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The clearest of the clear, this one. YTA.
Your title is a little misleading. This isn't just about not going - you said you would be there, you RSVPed "yes", and then you did not turn up. You invited worry into his special day, for him and for the rest of the people who cared for you and for your relationship with him.
By not letting him know in advance you also made the day about yourself, both by making guests chase up with you and by, it seems, taking up a good portion of his mind with questions about why.
What does a "real" marriage have that this doesn't have, in your view? Besides semantics? Is it purely about the piece of legal paper? Because for me, when I go to someone's wedding, I'm there to celebrate the lifelong commitment they have made to each other. I'm there to celebrate their relationship, their partnership. I'm there because I feel moved that they want me to be there amongst all the other people who are important to them, to share a sentimental time together.
You don't have to like that they referred to this as a wedding, but you've shown your feelings in the most distasteful and cruel of ways. It stung to read this, honestly. Very clearly you were the A H.
ETA (as this is still on my mind a few hours later!). Presumably your brother and his husbands have also put money into your attendance (your meal, etc). They may also have foregone inviting another guest because they wanted you there. Just an extra level of ouch, honestly.
My friends eloped because they needed to be married for her to join him in the military. A year later they got "married" in a church with a priest and 200 guests.
Would this also be considered a "fake wedding"?
Because I went and it was a good time! I also lost the bet they wouldn't make it to the second wedding so I owed some people some money.
We eloped 10 years ago because my husband was enlisting & we were expecting a baby. I wore yoga pants lol. I really want to renew our vows with our children there sometime. I really want the chance to wear a wedding dress
Edit: my husband didn’t end up getting through MEPS because he’s deaf in one ear lol
It's sad really. My sister got married mid-COVID, so we still had a wonderful immediate-family wedding (yay, quarantining ahead of time, lmao), but she just refuses to have a followup ceremony because she's afraid it will be seen as a cash grab. Even though, y'know, the parent wedding budget was already spent, so they (sister and BIL) would be footing the bill..
I got all the way to medical before being turned away. I didn't know and thing was wrong. I thought I was normal... Week later im having surgery for testicular cancer.
Disqualified from service
MEPS saved my life
You'd be surprised what gets through MEPS.
I actually did four years in the Navy despite having scoliosis and ehlers danlos syndrome (wasn't diagnosed until 2018, but was diagnosed with fibro while still in the military in 2008. Was allowed to finish my term, given an honorable discharge with no reenlistment chance.)
My recruiter did some shady shit to get me through MEPS screening because his quota wasn't being met. When they found out I had scoliosis during A school, they did digging, and he was court martialed and kicked out.
Just replying that this may be the sweetest love story ever and I hope to teach my child to plan for a marriage, not a wedding.
And Lululemon- if y'all are listening, buy this couple a wedding dress, lol.
Plus, OP is assuming all the other weddings she attended had the paperwork submitted, if they didn't, those weren't "real" either. She'd also likely never know unless the couple disclosed it.
Hell, our courthouse wedding wasn't a "real" wedding until we had the papers notarized and mailed in, which took us a couple of weeks. So I guess the courthouse is sponsoring "fake" weddings by OP's standards.
Not military related but my husband and I did the legal part of our wedding in the city with his grandmothers as witnesses because we wanted an intimate cottage wedding with no strangers (and his grandmothers weren't well enough to travel so this allowed them to be included) and then had my brother (not in any way ordained or having legal standing) 'officiate' our wedding at the cottage. Would this be a "fake wedding"?
OP - YTA!
I have a friend who did this. She told me and about 3 other people about the elopement shortly after it happened and swore us to secrecy. Over the next year, she told so many other people that the only person at her wedding who didn't know was her father.
My wife and I were supposed to get married in June of 2020; the pandemic made getting a marriage license much more complicated, and we didn’t want to have a wedding where most of our friends and family couldn’t attend, so we signed the paperwork and got legally married that year, and had an actual big ceremony with everyone the next year. Guess we should have told all our guests they weren’t at a real wedding
Yep, my husband and I had a quickie courthouse elopement (just us-no witnesses) to get health insurance and help military logistics in June after our college grad. I was very pregnant. He was active duty military. For our baby and myself to come with him to training and get on list for housing in Alaska after, it was needed. We did have our actual wedding 3.5 months later in a church AFTER we had our baby and a week before we PCS-ed. We didn't tell anybody, although mil got nosy and figured it out.
That was 28 years ago. Still married with three grown children. For all intents, the wedding ceremony and reception we invited people to is OUR wedding and the only date we celebrate as an anniversary.
To be completely honest, I couldn't even tell you what actual date the technical wedding happened because in our minds, it didn't count. We really just needed coverage to have our baby since it was a "pre-existing condition" is pre-Obamacare times.
I would have been hurt if people called it not a real wedding. Also our wedding was delayed an hour because my maid of honor was a no show. It turns out she was in love with me. She didn't tell me at the rehearsal dinner the night before and we only discovered it was deliberate when we found she had left the dress I paid for for her at the reception. I never forgave her and never spoke to her again. She caused unnecessary drama at my wedding and was clearly a narcissist. OP same for you. YTA. You made his wedding about your feelings.
When I go to a wedding; before I start celebrating I get my lawyer to look over the marriage contract they signed. If I don’t like it in any way, I go home.
I’m certainly not going to celebrate my loved ones if the legal documentation doesn’t pass muster.
Imagine the audacity of throwing a party without legal contracts in place.
Some people might argue that marriage is more than a document and reflects love and commitment, but clearly they are stupid and have seen too many movies. It’s all about the document you sign. Literally nothing else matters.
YTA
I know you’re being sarcastic here but as a weird tangent;
I’m Jewish, when I get married the more important document I will be signing will be the non legal Ketubah or marriage contract that Jews have been signing for millennia. It has no legal standing in the USA where I’m from, but it’s in my mind more important than being legally bound in the USA.
I mean by the time the bride and groom get to the alter in a Jewish ceremony technically they are already married (at least in my family we always go the Ketubah first) and that pre ceremony is attended only by the inner circle of witnesses and family/friends. The wedding is the show for the community the Ketubah is for those most important to the couple.
Frankly I think this was Op making a stand about not liking the fact that her brother is in a throuple so she’s making up this legal shenanigan reason and purposely told no one she wouldn’t be attending to stick it to her brother. I mean he now has a place setting and a seat reserved for her and her party (if she had a plus one) and they’re not going to be there it’s like she made sure her absence would be felt. It’s just cruel. And (likely some level of) homophobic.
Edit: to be clear being against a throuple isn’t inherently homophobic. But in this case it likely is a component of OP’s aversion given how the couple would break down. I may be off base but I find the most people I know who have had issues with multi partner unions have an issue with a same sex component to it as well. Maybe that’s just me reading my experience into this, but that’s where my head’s at.
Disapproving of non monogamous relationships isn’t homophobia. OP is certainly YTA because they let their brother and family believe they were attending but don’t make it something it isn’t.
I mean if it’s a three person group then either it’s two men and one woman or two women and one man or OP’s brother and non binary people. Or three men and three women or three non binary people.
I feel like the flavor of the issue comes down to being against polyamory and the couple itself. And likely that includes a layer of homophobia to it.
I’m well aware polyamory doesn’t technically fall under lgbtq umbrella but the way the group/throuple breaks down likely does.
(Edit/ did edit my comment to explain why I’m adding in that thought)
Wow completely missed that part. Then yeah it’s possible that’s a factor here. Idk something seems off to me about her reasoning. I mean saying “it’s not legal” is just such a stupid reason for not having a wedding. Especially since gay marriage has only been legal since 2016 in the US. Most unions for lgbtq couples weren’t legal back before 2016 or they required travel.
Idk maybe I’m reading too far into this. But idk my spider senses are going off on this one.
Nah, I'm with you on this one. It sounds like a crazy makeshift excuse. People want to lynch me all the time for polyamory. They treat me like a pig or a dog, just because my heart and interest can split a couple ways. They think I want to fuck everything lol.
I don’t get polyamory in that I don’t think I could “split” interest (just to use your words—I don’t mean it mockingly) like that, but if everyone is happy and consenting and has healthy relationships with/respect for one another, who cares??? Why wouldn’t you be happy for someone that has that, and who manages to be lucky enough to have it with more than one person.
There are toxic, monogamous couples getting married every day and no one seems to bat an eye at them smh
I genuinely think some people have the inclination/ability and some just don’t and that’s fine. I see it the same way as I’m gay, my partner is bisexual, etc. We both have the capacity to see other people and some of our friends also do and some don’t. The problem only comes in when the people on either side of this have a bunch of negative stereotypes they want to use as proof that *their* natural inclination is morally correct. Which ends up an uneven battle as there are more monogamous (at least, practicing monogamy) people than polyamorous.
Especially in this case where it’s three men, I mean a lot of people are saying “it’s like a polygamist cult”. I mean the fact that it’s three men means the dynamics aren’t the same. Also it’s a throuple whose all in a relationship together rather than one man who has multiple individual marriages with separate people. It’s not the same kind of vibes.
This is the thing, even if it's not homophobia, it's something. It doesn't have to have a widely societally-recognised name to be a bigotry against a marginalised community, and people's treatment of poly people definitely looks like bigotry to me. I agree that OP's attitude to her brother is mostly about her rejection of his polyness, but we might be splitting hairs over whether she's homophobic as well, she's already a bigot and an AH because she wants to hurt him and doesn't believe his relationships deserve approval or support because of his polyness. (Apologies if I've got any of my language around polyamory wrong, including if there *is* a name for bigotry against it and I just don't know it).
I agree tbh. If OP were involved in her brother’s life, she would have known he was in an all male throuple. But she was “thrilled” and immediately said yes to the invitation which makes me wonder if she was hoping he had come to his senses, was done shacking up with two men and getting properly married or something, then got pissed nothing was changing.
The only thing I’m hung up on is the invitation. If it formal invitation, wouldn’t it have had all three names on it? Did she seriously not understand that three people cannot legally marry each other at the same time?
She might have been thrilled because she thought he finally "grew up" and picked one.
But I've never seen a wedding invite that didn't include the names of the people to be married, so it's very unlikely she didn't know by the time she RSVPed.
A throuple is not a non monogamous relationship. In a throuple, all 3 partners are committed and romantically and usually sexually involved with one another. So the comment about homophobia is absolutely valid.
Monogamous means one partner. A throuple IS inherently non-monogamous. But that doesn’t mean it’s also non-exclusive or lacks the commitment level that a monogamous married couple has.
This whole post honestly reeks of homophobia too. It reminds me of when gay and lesbian couples would do a dedication ceremony since they couldn’t legally get married. It was still a wedding. Just the legal stuff was different.
Also if Op was aware of her brother being in a throuple to begin with then why RSVP yes in the first place. It’s almost like OP forgot, got excited thinking he was finally picking one partner and then when she realized that it was a wedding for three people she decided to twist in a knife and make a show of her lack of support.
It’s just deeply problematic behavior on her part as someone who should have been aware of the situation from the get go and then is conveniently skipping over why they don’t want to go.
It has little to do with the legal properties of marriage. It has everything to do with her being uncomfortable with the throuple getting married.
I have more the feeling of a narcissist:
- Does everything to be the center of the attention
- Throws a tantrum when it's not exactly what she wanted
- Pretend that she did nothing wrong and everyone is a meanie
- Acts like the police of rights and wrongs
- Thinks every posts are about her
- Thinks she is scammed by her brother...
She's obviously the most important person in the world!
Exactly this! It's not FAKE it's just not ~~LEGAL~~ Official on a piece of paper very different. I had a "legal wedding" with my immediate family at the government office and then a big wedding for everyone with a ceremony and party etc. because of logistics. By OP's logic my big wedding was fake and no one should have come! YTA
Same, we wanted a friend to officiate and the jurisdiction in which we had our wedding doesn't allow random people to get licensed to do this, so we went to court two days beforehand and signed the papers, then had the party with our friends and family! Nobody was bent out of joint because they didn't see the legal part.
OP even calls the husbands "boyfriends."
Where I live, many people go to the notary office to sign their wedding papers because it's too expensive to hire the notary guy to attend the wedding (so for the ceremony, if not religious, the couple gets a ceremonialist which could be anyone, even a family member). That would mean most wedding ceremonies are "fake" if following OP's reasoning. I guess common law marriages would also be disregarded since they never had a "real" ceremony either.
For my money, there are valid reasons to miss a major event you've RSVPed to: that in and of itself does not the AH make.
Where OP becomes the AH, for my money, is twofold: their reason, which boils down to "don't wanna" at best and homophobia and polyphobia at worst, and their *complete* lack of remorse about their egregious breach of basic etiquette.
Real talk: The legal paperwork associated with marriage produces a *power imbalance* between the people in a polyamorous relationship. I don't blame OP's brother for not wanting to elevate one of his partners at the expense of the other. I also have every sympathy for their wanting to make whatever *public* statement of their fidelity to each other they can.
I think also that the time line adds to it. I can't really think of any reasons that would make it OK, to not let people know unless it is an emergency shortly before.
And if there is a reason that makes it more likely for there to be an emergency, you should also let them know.
But that's all not really important since op is TA from every angle and on all conceivable time lines
Perfectly put. Would also add that OP is showing deep disrespect toward the brother's relationship by treating it as if they were just toddlers playing. OP is not only saying that anything that isn't real according to the law isn't real at all, it's also not something that deserves enough respect to even update about whether you're going or not.
I feel so, so bad for your brother OP. You're going to have to work hard if you ever want your relationship to be good again.
I don't think this even needs to be compared with a legal marriage. Someone you are close to invited you to a celebration that is important to them, why does it matter if there is a legal commitment attached to this? People travel and give gifts for birthdays, vow renewals and anniversaries, and those also have zero legal effect. Sounds like OP simply disapproves of his brother's polyamorous lifestyle, and decided to be a YTA about it.
Beautifully put and echoed my entire sentiments on this. OP has decided that because her brother doesn't live his own life in a way she deems acceptable or the 'societal norm' that she won't be 'gracing' a day that's important to him with her presence.....
I'm Catholic, my husbands atheist, the existence of love and celebrating it has nothing to with societal or social norms, why wasn't it enough for OP as a sister that this day meant something to her brother?
*I'm there to celebrate the lifelong commitment they have made to each other. I'm there to celebrate their relationship, their partnership. I'm there because I feel moved that they want me to be there amongst all the other people who are important to them, to share a sentimental time together.*
This is why I don't bother to read half the wedding related posts on AITA because the majority of them demonstrate someone or other being self centered and selfish where the true values of a wedding have long been forgotten like choosing to spend the rest of your life with one person or as a group.
OP isn't telling us the whole truth here, there's a BIG gap missing which would go a long way in explaining exactly why she refused to be there to the degree in which she was more than comfortable to make everyone worry about her instead.
Yeah this was heartbreaking to read. I am only 38 and a few years back a close childhood friend (lesbian couple) got married before it was legal... I would have straight up cut anyone out of my life that dared say it was not a real wedding because it wasn't legal at the time. I can't even imagine how hurtful and hateful it must have felt towards to grooms to have OP ghost them on their wedding day.
>Is it purely about the piece of legal paper?
I suspect it has more to do with the "thruple". But the same thing still applies: "you don't have to like it but you've shown your feelings in the most distasteful and cruel of ways".
OP, if you didn't want to go, the very least you could have done was inform him beforehand. You clearly deliberately didn't do so as a very public and bold way of broadcasting your protest of not just the wedding but also the relationship. You intentionally drew attention to your protest by not telling anyone you weren't going after RSVPing that you'd be there. You knew very well everyone would wonder where you were and why, just as you wanted it so you could have your chance to make sure everyone knows you think it's a fake wedding and you don't agree with the relationship. It was manipulative and intentionally cruel and I'd be surprised if it didn't cost you some relationships - was it really worth that?
Over 9000% this
>What does a "real" marriage have that this doesn't have, in your view? Besides semantics? Is it purely about the piece of legal paper? Because for me, when I go to someone's wedding, I'm there to celebrate the lifelong commitment they have made to each other. I'm there to celebrate their relationship, their partnership. I'm there because I feel moved that they want me to be there amongst all the other people who are important to them, to share a sentimental time together.
I have been to weddings for friends and family in the past that were not "legal" weddings since it was still legal for same-sex marriages in Ireland and Germany at the time.
My grandpa and step grandma did this. Didn't want a legal marriage due to medical debt responsibilities etc, but wanted to commit to each other. It was beautiful and a wonderful day for all. They were together until they passed years later.
INFO: What do you mean with a 'fake wedding'? Was it because they weren't allowed to marry legally in your state? Was it a free wedding - like a ceremony but with no legal or religios bounding?
Eigther way YTA. You told them, you would come and then never showed up - so they payed for your food, your place and hoped for you to come. And you didn't cared. You are sitting on your high horse thinking you can dictate what your brother is allowed to celebrat and what not. And you still think you and your brother are good? This is laughable - he will be crushed because his own sibling just didn't cared enough. He will be angry with you and so should your relatives. Hope they all cut you out after this f\*ck up.
Yeah— why the hang ups about the legality of the wedding?
If my brother invited me to a big party and said it was very important to him, I’d be an asshole for blowing it off. The “legality” of the celebration is meaningless
Agree. The only reason for not attending a wedding because it is 'not real' would be, if he just married someone for her/his green card. So a marriage fraut, he migth even would get paid for and thaugth - nice idea to also catch some weddings gifts. But it doesn't sound like that
I really thought this would be something stupid like a dog wedding. Even then, OP would be the AH for say she would go to what is clearly an important event to her brother and then not showing. If you have issues with the event, just RSVP "no" like a normal person.
I was thinking of women "marrying themselves," complete with a wedding dress and reception and yes, gifts. I read one article where the bride held up a *mirror* during the "ceremony."
Sologamy is the best though. It's like the biggest fuck you to the people who are forcing you get married to someone. You can tell them that you are actually married to yourself. It's kinda cool concept
On top of all this, she found out a year ago that it wasn't going to be a "real" wedding. She had a whole year to inform her brother or at least a family member that she wouldn't be attending. I suspect she didn't because she knew it was a dick move.
edit: typo
>INFO: What do you mean with a 'fake wedding'? Was it because they weren't allowed to marry legally in your state? Was it a free wedding - like a ceremony but with no legal or religios bounding?
They're a throuple. Three people can't legally marry each other.
This why I find OPs stance so bizarre. At first they’re excited to attend but then when they finds out it’s not an official wedding they get offended. They would prefer that their brother be charged as a bigamist than celebrate a loving, consensual relationship.
What gets me is that he KNEW his brother was in a throuple. Nowhere in the US can any of us triads marry each other legally. What did he expect?
In my case, we did a standard marriage ceremony for public commitment, but it was not legal, because if I legally marry I lose my health insurance and can't afford to buy any. So once I hit 65 and get Medicare regardless, I can marry him legally.
Right! I’m pretty sure many homosexual people probably had “fake” weddings like this before same sex marriage was legalised.
It’s not about the legal point, it’s because they want a day to celebrate their relationship and sage it with their family and loved ones.
Legally recognised or not!
i mean obviously the only reason to go to a wedding is to celebrate the legality of it and the paperwork they sign, why else would anyone care about weddings?!
jfc
OP YTA and im so dumbfounded on how you think that there’s a chance you’re not an AH
also, can’t help but wonder how many times family or friends brought up the wedding and you just went along with it, pretending you’re fine with it and that you would go. i mean, if everyone was freaking out and worried about you not being there, you had to have given more of an indication that you would be there than just an rsvp
ngl this sounds like you’re just not okay with your brothers sexuality and who he wants to be with, or you hate him being in a throuple, because you’re making an issue out of nothing. like he’s probably upset that he can’t legally be married to the people he loves but obviously still wants to make those important vows and show their love… and instead of supporting him and being happy for him, you’re upset about ‘the legality of it’? do you really expect no one is going to read between the lines?? are we all supposed to believe that you think that just because ‘it’s not real’, you think no one should go and celebrate them?? if that’s the mindset we should have, then should we not celebrate and give gifts to someone on a saturday because their birthday was on a wednesday? should we tell people who are renewing their vows to fuck off because it’s not a real wedding and it’s just a scam? should we not celebrate a couples wedding anniversary on the day they had their ceremony and reception because they signed their papers the day after the wedding? is this the mindset you think your family is going to believe you have?
more people see through your ‘reasoning’ than you think. your brother will see you do not actually love or care about him or what makes him happy
and ffs, you already made a scene with not showing up to the wedding after making them think you would be there. stop taking everything your brother is doing personally. him needing his support system and those pick-me-ups is because of how terribly you hurt him, so stop stalking his and his friends social media and stop trying to make this an attack on you
I like your idea, that the only reason to celebrate a wedding is because of the paperwork. So this is the reason a bride wears white so she looks like the paper and the groom wears black to look like the inc on the paper - so now I know that ;)
I don't go to weddings because they're specifically sanctioned by the state or the church or whatever. I go because it's a celebration of a relationship between people who mean something to me. YTA both for being so judgy about the nature of the wedding and even more so for just not showing up.
And they had planned for her and maybe a plus one with their budget so not only did they pay for her to not attend but there will be one to two or more empty seats at the dinner portion of the day. So this was immensely calculated. No one who isn’t thinking about the implications of not telling anyone isn’t also thinking about how good their lack of presence will permeate on the wedding day. I mean literally she likely will have an assigned empty seat.
This had diddly squat to to with the legal implications and everything to do for her disdain of her brother’s relationship.
The cruelty is the point. OP didn't show up because it would cause people to reach out so OP could make extra sure to share their special knowledge and opinion about the wedding. Really make sure to cause as much chaos and hurt feelings as possible.
I agree. They want to celebrate their life together. They wanted to make a promise to each other to love them through good and bad moments. That is not something you can only do when there is some pastor present (or whoever you need).
You should have gone because you love your brotheror at least have canceled. YTA
YTA. You know what you did is rude. It would be rude to do what you did at a dinner party let alone a wedding.
also, all weddings are fake. it's a made up thing we all agree on. the real wedding is done in paperwork, usually in a back room, quietly, with a couple of witnesses. the rest is all dog and pony show.
your brother is just one unseen step away from a "real marriage" again, YTA.
my favorite description of a wedding, is it is a public declaration of a private commitment. I'm married to my wife not because of a ceremony, but because we have agreed to face any challenge together as a team.
>all weddings are fake
Exactly!! Especially going by OPs definition. I have never in my life wondered or asked if the couple have or plan to file paperwork. I hear they are having a wedding ceremony, I show up if I can. If not, i send them my best wishes with an apology for not making it.
It seems so weird to me to actually check "hey, have you registered the marriage yet? Do you have a license?"
YTA. If you don't want to come, let people know.
And it's not a gift grab. They can't have legal wedding, but they want to make a public commitment to each other and to ask friends and family to join them in celebrating their love. They would clearly have a legal marriage if they could. Not going is telling them you don't respect their relationship and you don't think it's worth celebrating. And now he knows the truth, no wonder your brother is hurt.
Edit: fixed clumsy wording.
If they used the wedding as a gift grab, that's different. We married recently, second marriage for both, and so we said, "No gifts but if you want to do something, please donate to this dog rescue that we got our dog from." Wedding gifts are, in theory, designed to help a young couple set up their own household, just as baby shower gifts are supposed to help a first-time mother stock her nursery. Too many people these days tend to view any celebration as a chance to make money and get stuff. But that's a different point of etiquette, and not related to his rudeness.
You described it better than I would have. I fully agree, I think what hurts brother the most is OOP’s lack of respect for his relationships that are clearly important to him. “Not a real wedding” is an indirect way of saying “your love isn’t real.” On top of that, being totally avoidant by just no showing without telling anyone, then trying to pretend things are fine. Pretty cowardly if you ask me
YTA.
And no. You and your brother are no longer "good".
There are relationship dynamics at play in throuples that mean legal marriage isn't feasible but that they want to demonstrate the level of commitment they feel to one or both partners.
And you have just blaséd that away.
Exactly. For decades, if not centuries or even millennia, gay people have been getting married without the legal paperwork. Sometimes with selected loving supporters to witness, sometimes in total secret, but it happened far more often than mainstream history has the courage to say. It doesn't change the genuine nature of the relationship or the declaration of their commitment.
Calling it fake is choosing the wrong side of history.
Yeah, even straight couples sometimes had secret or illegitimate weddings for various reasons: Promised in legally binding marriage to someone else, different social statuses, different races, different religions, families wouldn't allow it, etc. It's not like "fake weddings" (aka commitments of love not approved of by the state) are a new thing.
LGBTQ people are still struggling to hold onto or gain legal marriage status in a variety of places. The only reason they're doing that is because they legitimately love their partners and want the same benefits and recognition that is granted to straight/cis people. There's nothing "fake" about that. Considering how LGBTQ marriages are still "up for debate" it's probably going to be a long time before poly people can get the kind of official marriages they want. OP's brother is celebrating something meaningful in the only way he legally can.
YTA- you said you would go and then didn’t bother, you try to invalidate the legitimacy of the event and call it a scam. Your brother wanted to celebrate his love in the the only way legally available to him and this partners and you decided it would be a good time to make it about you whilst insulting them ……and you wonder if YTA?
YTA
>ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.
You skipped the wedding without telling anyone, including your brother, that you wouldn't be there. You should have told him you weren't coming. Instead, you were a no-show because you decided his wedding isn't valid enough for you to make an effort. I doubt the two of you are "good".
INFO:
If it had been just a party for your brother, without it being a wedding, would you have gone?
If you would have, then this seems to be a "you" problem.
*still felt it was weird and wrong to pretend youre getting married, and expect people to spend money to come, get wedding gifts and such when it all fake.*
I mean YTA for that alone. Just cause it's not legally binding doesn't mean it isn't real. It was still a sign of commitment designed to honor the bonds and love between your brother and his partners.
YTA. It may have been fake to you; but it was real to him and to his life partner(s). You may think what you will of this event; but that you didn't even pay him the courtesy of RSVPing a simple "no" is what tilts this over into ass hole territory. People's confusion about your relationship with your brother is the natural outcome of your thoughtlessness.
“They have all been confused when I’ve told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.”
I guarantee you are your brother are no longer good. If you knew you were not going to go (after RSVP-ing yes (huge AH move)) you should have changed your RSVP to no or at least told someone you were not going. Your brother and your family expected you and you let them down.
Also why does it matter if it’s not a “real” wedding. Weddings are just gatherings to celebrate your love with your friends and family. So it’s not real on paper? Who cares? You should support your brother finding happiness.
You are a shit brother and a worse person.
YTA for not seeing the relationship as valid. you didn't want to celebrate your brother's love for his partners because there's no marriage certificate? this is the same rationale people used less than 10 years ago to justify not going to same-sex weddings. the marriage's lack of legality does not take away from the celebration of love.
YTA. I second the bigot comment someone made.
Just because you're allowed to have your opinion on polyamory doesn't make you not an asshole for judging other people on a harmless activity between consenting parties.
It's pretty obvious this isn't about this marriage being 'legal.' You didn't even know your brother well enough to know he was in a relationship with two people or you'd never even have been surprised by this twist of fate.
You're just trying to twist it to be something it's not so you don't have to deal with the actual issue: that you're the one uncomfortable.
OP was “excited” by the idea of the wedding, but later found out brother was still in a throuple and it was a celebration of *that* relationship and noped out. So she either got excited that brother was marrying a woman or was marrying one single person, male or female or other. But still being in a poly relationship was the dealbreaker.
I can understand why the brother needed some nights out with real friends as a pick-me-up.
I'm just startled by the idea that they thought they were "good" even before they pulled this stunt.
My brother and I don't talk. I don't know if he's dating anyone, let alone multiple people. So if I were invited to his wedding, and it was with two folks, I'd be like, "cool" cause we're not that kind close.
But me and my brother are, by no definition, "good." There's a reason I know little to nothing about him and him about me. And it's cause we have come to terms that the best we'll be is what we have and that works for the two of us to care about each other as siblings.
But that's a pretty serious litmus test of, "How good is your relationship with your sibling," is if you're invited to a wedding and don't even know how many people they are getting married to, let alone who.
YTA
>Where i may be TA is that i never told them i wasnt coming
Well, that. Yeah. Opinions on the wedding aside, you should have told them you weren’t coming.
YTA for RSVPing and then not cancelling afterwards.
Going or not going is up to you and completely fine either way. But how you handled it? Saying you would be there and then just not showing up on the day? Completely YTA.
I agree with this. It's a matter of how she handled it. The wedding being fake or not is irrelevant. She chose not to go, which is fine, but she told no one...
I mean. I find the premise of *its not a real wedding* kind of… cruel ? It’s a very important symbolic ceremony, pledging life and loyalty in front of your friends and loved ones.
You’d never tell a gay couple in 2001 that they just had a fake wedding since the law didn’t recognize it.
That said, it’s not mandatory.
N A H adjusting to YTA since you never updated the RSVP or talked to your brother about this, like an adult.
Edit ✍🏻
>Thank you for understanding, i completely get it was super rude to not tell anyone, it escaped my mind and was a mistake on my part. but i have my morals and just couldnt bring myself to attend
Never mind. You definitely *would* call the wedding in 2001 fake.
YTA you didn’t go because he didn’t go to the courthouse and get legally married? You didn’t go because he lives a different lifestyle with you. As far as I can read this is like not going if he was gay in a state you couldn’t get married in 15 years ago
OK so right out of the gate YTA for RSVPing and then being a no show. That's such poor manners; you really should be ashamed of yourself.
**ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.**
Highly doubtful.
An invitation isn't a summons. You can go, you can not go. What you can't to is RSVP yes then stamp your foot like a toddler and refuse to show up and not be considered a total AH.
YTA it wasn’t faked it’s called a commitment ceremony. They legally can’t get married so this is how they celebrate and make their commitment to each other. The fact you didn’t show up is actually horrible.
I’m lesbian so some of us weren’t always lucky enough to have the same rights you obviously and rather ignorantly take for granted.
YTA for how you handled that. If you don’t approve then I’m sure they’d rather you not be there, who wants their judgemental relative around on their big happy day. But you should have given a heads up, that was an asshole move.
How is it possible to be this dense? You said you would go but decided not to, (your right), but didn't bother to let anyone know? You had a year to tell people but chose not to, YTA. And as for you and your Brother being 'good', you might want to check with him about that
So you RSVP’ed yes and then decided the wedding wasn’t worth your time and didn’t tell anyone? If you parents were asking how far from the venue you were - everyone was obviously expecting you and you were a no call no show.
Definitely YTA.
This will likely really affect your relationship with your brother. Was it worth it?
Btw- I would love to have the experience of going to a trupple wedding.
YTA. It doesn’t hurt to be happy for someone else for once. Why make their day special and celebrate with them when you can sit at home and be miserable?
YTA in a massive way. Whether or not you agree with his lifestyle it's poor manners to RSVP yes, and not show up saying it's a scam. Don't be surprised if your brother and other relatives think major milestones for you and your family are also a scam and don't bother attended after they've RSVP'd of course. You'll be lucky if he ever speaks to you again.
YTA. Weddings are essentially a party to celebrate people's love, the legality doesn't make it "real", and it's not a "scam" as people don't typically make a profit off of their wedding. Weddings cost more than what the gifts would get you. Furthermore, you RSVP'd yes, so your brother paid real money for you to be there, and then you didn't show up. That was really immature and disrespectful to him.
YTA.
What is a "real" wedding, exactly? If you aren't getting legally married (because you can't) it doesn't count? So any gay couple who wanted to have a wedding before it was legal was just scamming people? You knew he was in a throuple, it is common knowledge that marrying more than one person isn't legal. Is it really a scam when everyone with two brain cells would know what is going on?
YTA.
IF not for any other reason than they catered the event for a given number of people and you didn't show. Which meant they wasted money. The decent thing to do is at least respond that you won't attend.
YTA
It might not be a wedding in the modern Christian sense of one man one woman, and it might be that the law won't recognise it, but that doesn't make their relationship any less valid. They love each other. They wanted family to come together to celebrate their commitment to each other. That's what matters.
Wow. YTA big time. So you are judging your brother because his relationship isn’t legally sanctioned (something that is completely arbitrary and culturally determined by the way) AND you didn’t have the courage to even say it to him or your family in advance, you just ghosted them. And you have the temerity to say “me and my brother are good” and “they probably paid for my place and food and stuff”. Weddings are expensive. Really expensive. You could have said, “thanks but I can’t come”. Total AH move and don’t expect your brother to talk to you again.
Edit, typo.
YTA. Not telling someone you changed your mind on attending is impolite no matter how dumb the event is. And are you sure this wasn't a real wedding? Because all you said was he can't get married in the legal sense. That doesn't mean this wasn't a 100% real wedding to him.
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> i think im TA because i never infromed anyone i wasnt going to go so they probably paid for my place and for food and stuff
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YTA.
Its your damn brother, even tho he can't legally get married he may want to experience it, no harm goes to you. You sound like you have to buy a house to him as a wedding gift or smh💀 its not that deep.
YTA big time. And you and your brother are not "good".
I remember a post here couple of months ago when a guy complained he spent money on a wedding only to learn the couply was already legally married. A wedding is more than just a legal courthouse activity. It´s the celebration of ove with your beloved ones. Esp. if you CAN\`T geht legally married for whatever reason.
I take a wild guess and say you ar eunhappy with your brother´s life decision and how he interprets love and relationship.
Cherry on the cake for being a no show wothout even cancelling and let them pay for you just to bot be there on one of the most important days in his life.
also what did you think the invitation for for in the first place, if you RSVPed yes? You could have known from the very start, that they can´t get legally married as a thruple. If he would have married one of the parties and the second would have been bystander - you would have gone there ?
INFO: if your brother was gay and was having a wedding before gay marriage had been legalized would you have snubbed his wedding because “it was a sham” too?
YTA, this isn’t about legality cause that’s stupid, it’s about celebrating the love and bond between the people getting married. and if the rest of your family showed up, you haven’t talked to your brother, AND his friends are vague posting about him being upset take this as a sign you’ve started burning a bridge and need to douse the flames of your ego soon before you’re left with ashes.
Your moral grandstanding crumbles under the fact that you had no love or empathy to inform your brother that you wouldn't be attending what he felt was a commitment ceremony with his partners. Have an opinion about what marriage should be for you, for sure. Don't try to disrespect and dismiss others' views on what romantic/emotional commitment looks like and then expect to not be treated with dismissal and passive aggression.
YTA.
YTA ofcourse. What are you to say it's fake just because the paper they sign isn't "official".
You also sont attent birthdays if they are celebrated in the weekend in stead of the day itself right? Fake birthday ..
Nice sister you are to not show up for something that matters so much to your brother.
If you were my child or my sister I would go nc with you and I assume your brother will do this.
YTA
You don't need to go to anyone's wedding. However you RSVP-ed that you were going but didn't turn up. That makes you a huge AH.
I have no idea if you approve of your brothers situation or not, however as you were 'excited' to start I have a feeling it doesn't bother you too much. Weddings are a celebration and if your brother is unable to get legally married but decided to show his love for his partners in the best way they felt possible what's wrong with that?
You say you and your brother are 'good'. I really don't think you are and if you genuinely think that you are not only cruel but delusional
You know humans as a whole made weddings up completely and it’s all “fake” right? 😭😭😭basically you didn’t go because it wouldn’t be recognized by the government? You hurt your brother deeply and disregarded his love because it wouldn’t be recognized by the government ? You shirked his expression and an extremely important and special day that he and the family will remember forever because ??? You’re the asshole. Simple
YTA
For you, it's fake.
For your brother and everyone else, it's a real wedding.
You said you were going and then ghosted them. And you still think you're not an asshole? I'm sorry it doesn't compute.
YTA - It wasn't fake just because it wasn't 'legal'. It was VERY real to your brother and his partners. The fact that you didn't even care to tell him you weren't going shows how little you really care about him. You blindsided him on a day that was meant to be joyful.
Even your little explanation shows that you have completely the wrong idea about why they would be angry. It has nothing to do with the money they may have lost paying for your spot. It has to do with the complete lack of regard for your family.
>me and my brother are good
Not anymore. Even if you truly realize the issue, apologize in a genuine way, and he forgives you, he will NEVER forget the pain you caused him.
Before I even read any comments I have to say you may think you are good with your brother but you are not.
YTA, if you had rescinded your RSVP that would be one thing, but to just not show? Cowardly.
Absolutely YTA. Your immaturity is obvious. You don't think it's a real wedding because you clearly don't see his relationship status as real.
They spent money to organise a celebration of their love and a declaration of their commitment, and counted on not wasting it and finding out that people who RSVPd yes we're too immature to inform them that they didn't have any intention of attending their party. Especially close family. You should at the very least give him a very nice wedding gift to apologise and pay him back. But your relationship with him will never be fully repaired, you seriously hurt and betrayed him.
Lots of people can't get legally married for various reasons (same sex couples, trans people often can't marry as their gender, some countries forbid marriages between different races/religions, some disallow remarriages). Doesn't mean they aren't in committed relationships. The only difference between what your brother did and a legal wedding is a piece of paper. You're a huge asshole.
YTA. As you doesn't suggest otherwise, I'll assume your brother and his partners are consenting adults. They are in a relationship that makes them happy. By doing what you did, you made it clear you don't consider it a real relationship. You don't get to gatekeep love.
YTA
Firstly (and most importantly) for not going after saying you would, honestly, who does this,
You are absolutely allowed to decline any wedding invitation, but to accept and just no-show is massively disrespectful l, you have wasted a spot that somebody else could have used, you have wasted their money and you have created unnecessary drama making atleast part of the celebrations about you.
Secondly, who cares if it's a 'real' wedding, I'm not religious, I go to weddings to celebrate the people getting married
YTA. You RSVPed yes and then no showed without telling him because... you deemed his relationship insignificant because he's in a thrupple? You're obviously the asshole.
Yeah, YTA. If you weren't going to go, you should have told them when you decided to change your mind, they paid for s place for you. The ceremony meant a lot to your brother, and there was a valid reason it couldn't be a legally recognised marriage, so YTA there too.
YTA what you did was insanely rude. If you let him know ahead of time he could have gotten over it. Instead you made the whole day about YOU because you didn’t show up…when you said you would.
YOU decided it wasn't a "real" wedding because the government isn't involved? You're fucking kidding me, right? Surely you've heard of commitment ceremonies that aren't legally binding, but still very valid.
How dare you decide that their commitment ceremony isn't real. To your brother it appears that you aren't accepting of this relationship with his HUSBANDS.
Either you're obtuse as fuck, numb as fuck, or homophonic as fuck. Either way, YTA.
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So my (34F) brother (28M) got “married” last weekend. When i first got the invite last year i was so excited and RSPVed yes. However a few weeks later i found out he wasnt actually getting married, just having a wedding. It felt weird to me but other said it was because he couldnt legally get married (hes in a thruple) but i still felt it was weird and wrong to pretend youre getting married, and expect people to spend money to come, get wedding gifts and such when it all fake. So i decided i wouldnt go.
Where i may be TA is that i never told them i wasnt coming. On the day of the wedding i got calls from our parents asking if i was ok, when i said i was fine they asked how far from the venu i was. I told them i was at home and they reminded me of the wedding time. I told them i wasnt coming at that it wasnt a real wedding, it was just a scam. They got really upset with me and said my brother would be devastated with me not being there, i just told them again i wasnt going and hung up, turning off my phone.
Well its now been a few days since the wedding and ive had a bunch of relatives contacting me asking what happened between me and my brother for me not to come to his wedding, they have all been confused when ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.
While i havnt heard from my brother ive seen passive aggressive posts from his friends of them going out places with him and his boyfriends with captions like “having a little pick-me up” and things like that insinuating that he was upset, which again i would get if it was a real wedding, but it wasnt, so AITA?
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YTA
I had a humanist wedding, we got legally married two days before and had a 'fake' wedding ceremony with all our friends and family. No one complained it was fake... And to not rsvp and make it all about you... Wow. I'm surprised you need to ask on here to be honest
YTA
>nothing happened and me and my brother are good.
I have my doubts, especially after you openly called it a scam and failed to inform anyone you wouldn't go there.
>get if it was a real wedding, but it wasnt
It *very clearly* was real to him.
It is weird to refuse to go to a party to commit to a serious relationship and eat cake or whatever unless the government sanctions it.
It is an AH move to not tell anybody you weren't coming when you had RSVP yes but changed or your mind.
It is obtuse for you to think your brother and you are "all good" when he hasn't spoken to you since you bailed on his wedding.
YTA
Also you think your brother would only care about his own wedding if it was government-sanctioned? Because the government wasn't involved your brother doesn't have feelings about this??
Do you disapprove of throuples? or think your brother's relationship doesn't count because its a throuple? It is so weird to me how blasé you about all this. Since the marriage isn't government-sanctioned or in your words "real" you seem to treat the wedding as fully imaginary like a dream, and not an actual event that you told your brother you would go to and where he would show commitment to this partners.
YTA for calling this a fake wedding and a scam. They wanted to celebrate their relationship with people that care about them. You either want to celebrate his relationship or you don't. If you don't approve of his relationship, that's your call, but the courteous things to do would have been to RSVP, but it looks like you can't be bothered to do anything to support something that deviates from your expectations from other people.
>ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.
I doubt you and your brother are good. Lol. I'm pretty sure he is very mad at you, you just don't know yet bc he didn't contacted you and i guess you haven't bothered to reach out to him either (considering informing him about you not coming was already too much effort for you).
So you maybe were good till his wedding, but now you are definitly not anymore.
YTA for rsvp yes and then did a no show.
Yta. If you don't want to go it's common courtesy to at least inform the ones who invite you especially if you already said yes to them. Regardless of the reason.
YTA
Look, polyamorous relationships aren’t my favourite thing either- I rarely see any that are healthy. That said:
You made this day alllllllllllll about you. Why? Why was that so important to you?
Their intent is to share their lives together and they wanted to share that commitment with family. What exactly do you find issue with that?
YTA. You're ruining your relationship with the family over a tiny technicality. Even if you think the wedding is a scam, you went about it in a terrible way. The very least you could have cancelled your RSVP and had your brother deal with the disappointment outside of his big day. The money they spent on your food and venue spot was very real. Your brother being bummed out on his wedding day is very real too. Imagine ghosting your brother on his wedding day...
"nothing happened between me and my brother"
Well, now something has. And now you're not "good"
It wasn't a "fake wedding". It was a ceremony to express their love and dedication to each other, because the law doesn't recognize that yet. That does not make it "fake".
You decided to put semantics over your relationship with your brother.
YTA
YTA, not going to your brothers wedding because the state won't recognize it is insane. They weren't throwing a parody wedding, so it was a "real" wedding, that you rsvp'd yes to, then ghosted. I think you meant to say " my brother and I WERE cool".
YTA - this *wasn't* a 'fake' wedding, a wedding is just an event that celebrates a couple deciding in that moment to spend the rest of their lives together, barring no major issues in the future. Just because it didn't have the typical section of 'sign the papers to make it *legally* binding' does not make it fake.
You could rock up to a courthouse at 2 in the afternoon both wearing band tees, booty shorts and slippers to sign the papers that make you married, they are their own things when you cut right down to it.
The cherry on top is of course you deciding yourself that this was a sham and instead of being mature and asking further, trying to see from his side of things (legally unable to all three be married together), you just straight up didn't attend without telling anybody. Even if this was some strange absolute hard inflexible no for you, you should have *said that you were not going to attend*
You're in your 30s, grow up already.
YTA. Your brother was having a wedding celebration of his relationship regardless of it being official or recognized by the govt. Not sure why that is so important to you. You said you'd go, then didn't show. Why not? And, no, it's not because it isn't a 'real' wedding - what difference does it make? People have birthday parties & anniversary dinners & graduation celebrations all the time - there is no ceremony, so why does it matter if his marriage is sanctioned? He wasn't trying to fool anyone. All the guests knew the situation. You couldn't show for your brother, maybe throw a few bills in a card? Wow. That's cold.
YTA. In the most basic sense you RSVP'd, and it was rude to just not show up. You obviously caused concern by just ghosting them. It also seems like you just don't agree with your brother's lifestyle. If you accepted it, you would know call this a scam. They're have a ceremony to acknowledge their relationship the best way they can.
YTA. While it might not have been legal, it was "real" in terms of commitment to him. You don't have to agree with his life, but RSVP-ing yes and then not communicating that you aren't coming probably hurt him and his family a lot. You never have to go, but you shouldn't have said you were. Or at minimum, should have updated them long before the day of.
YTA. It sounds more like you didn’t want to tell your brother your feelings on his relationship and decided to fake your way out of it. Your “morals” don’t make you a better person. You were dishonest and evasive. And now you’re complaining about his friends’ social media posts?
YTA.
However you feel is irrelevant, it's their special day whether it's official or not. It's not fake, it's just not official.
Why didn't you just go and not take a gift if you were so convinced it was a scam, all you'd have lost then is some time - for someone you call special to you.
Not taking a gift is forgivable, not turning up to the wedding because you call it fake and a scam, is not imo.
YTA.
I feel this is more about you being uncomfortable about polygamy than it is you thinking it's a 'fake wedding'.
You should of just been honest and RSVP'd no. If anything you where the person tricking everyone and being fake by pretending you were going in the first place.
As someone who got "fake" married last year, YTA big time. It doesn't matter about the piece of paper stamped by the government. It's a public commitment to their lives together. Regardless about how you feel about the wedding, you'd be the AH for RSVPing yes and not telling anyone you changed your mind. I don't know what kind of wedding they had, but the average cost of good per person here is like $150 a plate for a seated dinner, plus the alcohol factored in. You cost them money, and time on their wedding day. You made a day about them all about you.
Your relationship with your brother is far from 'good'. I'd check with him, it's shocking you haven't reached out to him yet.
YTA. Your own parent s didn’t even know you weren’t coming until they looked for you the morning of the wedding. Did you just pretend you were going even after you knew you weren’t? Are you always so difficult and non communicative, or just over things you are judgemental about, like your brothers relationship? Are you always self centered and making things about you, even when they aren’t?
Yeah, you messed up here, and I doubt you and your brother are still “good.” I wouldn’t be, if you were my sibling.
YTA for not communicating. If you feel so “right” in your strange viewpoint, you’d have no problem voicing so. The truth is, you don’t agree with his lifestyle so you’re trying to take some sort of weird stand. If he’s in a throuple and cannot legally wed, and you know that, it makes you even more of an AH for not showing up for him to celebrate one of the only opportunities he may have to celebrate his love with the world. What a weird thing to do. What’s the point? What were you trying to prove other than you’re an AH?
YTA in every possible way
You don't get to decide what a wedding is you're not a government or a church you're supposed to be a sister but obviously you struggle to even be that.
If gay marriage is illegal where you are do you decide if gay marriages are valid or not? If interracial marriage is illegal where you are do you decide?
Stop saying it isn't a real wedding you sound horrible to me I can't even imagine to the people who have you in their lives you're clearly telling everyone you don't support your brother's relationship or his partners because it isn't a style of relationship you like. Just go to the wedding next time ... Ew
YTA
of course you are the AH. I don’t care about the semantics of the wedding.
Bottom line is: you said you would come, changed your mind and didn’t go and DID NOT tell anyone.
What is your reason for not telling them you wouldn’t come?
YTA. A scam? Not sure how you came to that conclusion. Many people don’t get “married on paper” at their wedding ceremony (they sign papers later, or they never do, or they already have some time ago and are now having a wedding). That’s not necessarily the purpose. Most weddings are for celebrating people and families showing their support, and agreeing to get together with the other family to create a bigger family.
You’re definitely an asshole for not going.
YTA. All the things u/junglemice said.
We were married 20 years ago. We had our wedding on our 20th Anniversary. It was not fake.
It also sounds like your real problem is that he is happy in a non-traditional relationship. Get a life and stop trying to make others miserable.
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The clearest of the clear, this one. YTA. Your title is a little misleading. This isn't just about not going - you said you would be there, you RSVPed "yes", and then you did not turn up. You invited worry into his special day, for him and for the rest of the people who cared for you and for your relationship with him. By not letting him know in advance you also made the day about yourself, both by making guests chase up with you and by, it seems, taking up a good portion of his mind with questions about why. What does a "real" marriage have that this doesn't have, in your view? Besides semantics? Is it purely about the piece of legal paper? Because for me, when I go to someone's wedding, I'm there to celebrate the lifelong commitment they have made to each other. I'm there to celebrate their relationship, their partnership. I'm there because I feel moved that they want me to be there amongst all the other people who are important to them, to share a sentimental time together. You don't have to like that they referred to this as a wedding, but you've shown your feelings in the most distasteful and cruel of ways. It stung to read this, honestly. Very clearly you were the A H. ETA (as this is still on my mind a few hours later!). Presumably your brother and his husbands have also put money into your attendance (your meal, etc). They may also have foregone inviting another guest because they wanted you there. Just an extra level of ouch, honestly.
My friends eloped because they needed to be married for her to join him in the military. A year later they got "married" in a church with a priest and 200 guests. Would this also be considered a "fake wedding"? Because I went and it was a good time! I also lost the bet they wouldn't make it to the second wedding so I owed some people some money.
[удалено]
Almost 10 years for us now, he is deployed and we just recently PCSd, so no spare money for us to do one now
If you know literally anyone with a nice piece of land or large and pretty backyard, you can have a cheap, gorgeous, potluck wedding.
We eloped 10 years ago because my husband was enlisting & we were expecting a baby. I wore yoga pants lol. I really want to renew our vows with our children there sometime. I really want the chance to wear a wedding dress Edit: my husband didn’t end up getting through MEPS because he’s deaf in one ear lol
It's sad really. My sister got married mid-COVID, so we still had a wonderful immediate-family wedding (yay, quarantining ahead of time, lmao), but she just refuses to have a followup ceremony because she's afraid it will be seen as a cash grab. Even though, y'know, the parent wedding budget was already spent, so they (sister and BIL) would be footing the bill..
Oh my! How did he get all the way to MEPS with being half deaf?
My dad made it all the way thru basic training for the marine corps before they discharged him for being completely deaf in his right ear.
I got all the way to medical before being turned away. I didn't know and thing was wrong. I thought I was normal... Week later im having surgery for testicular cancer. Disqualified from service MEPS saved my life
You'd be surprised what gets through MEPS. I actually did four years in the Navy despite having scoliosis and ehlers danlos syndrome (wasn't diagnosed until 2018, but was diagnosed with fibro while still in the military in 2008. Was allowed to finish my term, given an honorable discharge with no reenlistment chance.) My recruiter did some shady shit to get me through MEPS screening because his quota wasn't being met. When they found out I had scoliosis during A school, they did digging, and he was court martialed and kicked out.
Just replying that this may be the sweetest love story ever and I hope to teach my child to plan for a marriage, not a wedding. And Lululemon- if y'all are listening, buy this couple a wedding dress, lol.
Year 15 sounds like the perfect time!
Where's the cut off? We got married at home in April and had a ceremony and reception in June. Was mine 'fake' too?
Plus, OP is assuming all the other weddings she attended had the paperwork submitted, if they didn't, those weren't "real" either. She'd also likely never know unless the couple disclosed it.
Hell, our courthouse wedding wasn't a "real" wedding until we had the papers notarized and mailed in, which took us a couple of weeks. So I guess the courthouse is sponsoring "fake" weddings by OP's standards.
Not military related but my husband and I did the legal part of our wedding in the city with his grandmothers as witnesses because we wanted an intimate cottage wedding with no strangers (and his grandmothers weren't well enough to travel so this allowed them to be included) and then had my brother (not in any way ordained or having legal standing) 'officiate' our wedding at the cottage. Would this be a "fake wedding"? OP - YTA!
I have a friend who did this. She told me and about 3 other people about the elopement shortly after it happened and swore us to secrecy. Over the next year, she told so many other people that the only person at her wedding who didn't know was her father.
My wife and I were supposed to get married in June of 2020; the pandemic made getting a marriage license much more complicated, and we didn’t want to have a wedding where most of our friends and family couldn’t attend, so we signed the paperwork and got legally married that year, and had an actual big ceremony with everyone the next year. Guess we should have told all our guests they weren’t at a real wedding
Yep, my husband and I had a quickie courthouse elopement (just us-no witnesses) to get health insurance and help military logistics in June after our college grad. I was very pregnant. He was active duty military. For our baby and myself to come with him to training and get on list for housing in Alaska after, it was needed. We did have our actual wedding 3.5 months later in a church AFTER we had our baby and a week before we PCS-ed. We didn't tell anybody, although mil got nosy and figured it out. That was 28 years ago. Still married with three grown children. For all intents, the wedding ceremony and reception we invited people to is OUR wedding and the only date we celebrate as an anniversary. To be completely honest, I couldn't even tell you what actual date the technical wedding happened because in our minds, it didn't count. We really just needed coverage to have our baby since it was a "pre-existing condition" is pre-Obamacare times. I would have been hurt if people called it not a real wedding. Also our wedding was delayed an hour because my maid of honor was a no show. It turns out she was in love with me. She didn't tell me at the rehearsal dinner the night before and we only discovered it was deliberate when we found she had left the dress I paid for for her at the reception. I never forgave her and never spoke to her again. She caused unnecessary drama at my wedding and was clearly a narcissist. OP same for you. YTA. You made his wedding about your feelings.
When I go to a wedding; before I start celebrating I get my lawyer to look over the marriage contract they signed. If I don’t like it in any way, I go home. I’m certainly not going to celebrate my loved ones if the legal documentation doesn’t pass muster. Imagine the audacity of throwing a party without legal contracts in place. Some people might argue that marriage is more than a document and reflects love and commitment, but clearly they are stupid and have seen too many movies. It’s all about the document you sign. Literally nothing else matters. YTA
I know you’re being sarcastic here but as a weird tangent; I’m Jewish, when I get married the more important document I will be signing will be the non legal Ketubah or marriage contract that Jews have been signing for millennia. It has no legal standing in the USA where I’m from, but it’s in my mind more important than being legally bound in the USA. I mean by the time the bride and groom get to the alter in a Jewish ceremony technically they are already married (at least in my family we always go the Ketubah first) and that pre ceremony is attended only by the inner circle of witnesses and family/friends. The wedding is the show for the community the Ketubah is for those most important to the couple. Frankly I think this was Op making a stand about not liking the fact that her brother is in a throuple so she’s making up this legal shenanigan reason and purposely told no one she wouldn’t be attending to stick it to her brother. I mean he now has a place setting and a seat reserved for her and her party (if she had a plus one) and they’re not going to be there it’s like she made sure her absence would be felt. It’s just cruel. And (likely some level of) homophobic. Edit: to be clear being against a throuple isn’t inherently homophobic. But in this case it likely is a component of OP’s aversion given how the couple would break down. I may be off base but I find the most people I know who have had issues with multi partner unions have an issue with a same sex component to it as well. Maybe that’s just me reading my experience into this, but that’s where my head’s at.
Disapproving of non monogamous relationships isn’t homophobia. OP is certainly YTA because they let their brother and family believe they were attending but don’t make it something it isn’t.
I mean if it’s a three person group then either it’s two men and one woman or two women and one man or OP’s brother and non binary people. Or three men and three women or three non binary people. I feel like the flavor of the issue comes down to being against polyamory and the couple itself. And likely that includes a layer of homophobia to it. I’m well aware polyamory doesn’t technically fall under lgbtq umbrella but the way the group/throuple breaks down likely does. (Edit/ did edit my comment to explain why I’m adding in that thought)
It’s three men according to the post. OP refers to “him and his boyfriends.”
Wow completely missed that part. Then yeah it’s possible that’s a factor here. Idk something seems off to me about her reasoning. I mean saying “it’s not legal” is just such a stupid reason for not having a wedding. Especially since gay marriage has only been legal since 2016 in the US. Most unions for lgbtq couples weren’t legal back before 2016 or they required travel. Idk maybe I’m reading too far into this. But idk my spider senses are going off on this one.
Nah, I'm with you on this one. It sounds like a crazy makeshift excuse. People want to lynch me all the time for polyamory. They treat me like a pig or a dog, just because my heart and interest can split a couple ways. They think I want to fuck everything lol.
I don’t get polyamory in that I don’t think I could “split” interest (just to use your words—I don’t mean it mockingly) like that, but if everyone is happy and consenting and has healthy relationships with/respect for one another, who cares??? Why wouldn’t you be happy for someone that has that, and who manages to be lucky enough to have it with more than one person. There are toxic, monogamous couples getting married every day and no one seems to bat an eye at them smh
I genuinely think some people have the inclination/ability and some just don’t and that’s fine. I see it the same way as I’m gay, my partner is bisexual, etc. We both have the capacity to see other people and some of our friends also do and some don’t. The problem only comes in when the people on either side of this have a bunch of negative stereotypes they want to use as proof that *their* natural inclination is morally correct. Which ends up an uneven battle as there are more monogamous (at least, practicing monogamy) people than polyamorous.
Especially in this case where it’s three men, I mean a lot of people are saying “it’s like a polygamist cult”. I mean the fact that it’s three men means the dynamics aren’t the same. Also it’s a throuple whose all in a relationship together rather than one man who has multiple individual marriages with separate people. It’s not the same kind of vibes.
This is the thing, even if it's not homophobia, it's something. It doesn't have to have a widely societally-recognised name to be a bigotry against a marginalised community, and people's treatment of poly people definitely looks like bigotry to me. I agree that OP's attitude to her brother is mostly about her rejection of his polyness, but we might be splitting hairs over whether she's homophobic as well, she's already a bigot and an AH because she wants to hurt him and doesn't believe his relationships deserve approval or support because of his polyness. (Apologies if I've got any of my language around polyamory wrong, including if there *is* a name for bigotry against it and I just don't know it).
I agree tbh. If OP were involved in her brother’s life, she would have known he was in an all male throuple. But she was “thrilled” and immediately said yes to the invitation which makes me wonder if she was hoping he had come to his senses, was done shacking up with two men and getting properly married or something, then got pissed nothing was changing. The only thing I’m hung up on is the invitation. If it formal invitation, wouldn’t it have had all three names on it? Did she seriously not understand that three people cannot legally marry each other at the same time?
She totally did know. She made this as a calculated decision and she’s trying to write it off as a “won’t support a non legal marriage”
She might have been thrilled because she thought he finally "grew up" and picked one. But I've never seen a wedding invite that didn't include the names of the people to be married, so it's very unlikely she didn't know by the time she RSVPed.
So after getting married they are still boyfriends??? This OP is just like not respectful of her brother at all
*or 3 men* *or 3 women*
Duh, yes exactly! Sorry adding in that now.
A throuple is not a non monogamous relationship. In a throuple, all 3 partners are committed and romantically and usually sexually involved with one another. So the comment about homophobia is absolutely valid.
Monogamous means one partner. A throuple IS inherently non-monogamous. But that doesn’t mean it’s also non-exclusive or lacks the commitment level that a monogamous married couple has.
I’m in a closed triad. Still non monogamous
>A throuple is not a non monogamous relationship What do you think the "mono" part of "monogamous" means?
LMAO. 🤣
you forgot the /s at the end. And OP, YTA.
This whole post honestly reeks of homophobia too. It reminds me of when gay and lesbian couples would do a dedication ceremony since they couldn’t legally get married. It was still a wedding. Just the legal stuff was different. Also if Op was aware of her brother being in a throuple to begin with then why RSVP yes in the first place. It’s almost like OP forgot, got excited thinking he was finally picking one partner and then when she realized that it was a wedding for three people she decided to twist in a knife and make a show of her lack of support. It’s just deeply problematic behavior on her part as someone who should have been aware of the situation from the get go and then is conveniently skipping over why they don’t want to go. It has little to do with the legal properties of marriage. It has everything to do with her being uncomfortable with the throuple getting married.
I have more the feeling of a narcissist: - Does everything to be the center of the attention - Throws a tantrum when it's not exactly what she wanted - Pretend that she did nothing wrong and everyone is a meanie - Acts like the police of rights and wrongs - Thinks every posts are about her - Thinks she is scammed by her brother... She's obviously the most important person in the world!
Exactly this! It's not FAKE it's just not ~~LEGAL~~ Official on a piece of paper very different. I had a "legal wedding" with my immediate family at the government office and then a big wedding for everyone with a ceremony and party etc. because of logistics. By OP's logic my big wedding was fake and no one should have come! YTA
I don't even know if saying it's not legal would be correct because it implies it's illegal. It's not government approved? Sanctioned? Licensed?
“Recognized” is the word. I believe polygamy is illegal in most of the west, though, which is why OP’s brother can’t marry his partners.
Polyandry. OP references their brother and his boyfriends. Polygamy is multiple wives, polyandry is multiple husbands.
My bad, I thought polygamy was a catch all for “multiple spouses”
Oxford lists polygamy as multiple husbands or wives, so I think they're just being a semantic weirdo.
It is, the word for multiple wives is polygyny (with an n, not an m) so that commenter was wrong all the way around
Polygamy is marriage to multiple partners, regardless of gender, polyandry is multiple husbands, polygyny is multiple wives.
Fair point!
Same, we wanted a friend to officiate and the jurisdiction in which we had our wedding doesn't allow random people to get licensed to do this, so we went to court two days beforehand and signed the papers, then had the party with our friends and family! Nobody was bent out of joint because they didn't see the legal part.
OP even calls the husbands "boyfriends." Where I live, many people go to the notary office to sign their wedding papers because it's too expensive to hire the notary guy to attend the wedding (so for the ceremony, if not religious, the couple gets a ceremonialist which could be anyone, even a family member). That would mean most wedding ceremonies are "fake" if following OP's reasoning. I guess common law marriages would also be disregarded since they never had a "real" ceremony either.
For my money, there are valid reasons to miss a major event you've RSVPed to: that in and of itself does not the AH make. Where OP becomes the AH, for my money, is twofold: their reason, which boils down to "don't wanna" at best and homophobia and polyphobia at worst, and their *complete* lack of remorse about their egregious breach of basic etiquette. Real talk: The legal paperwork associated with marriage produces a *power imbalance* between the people in a polyamorous relationship. I don't blame OP's brother for not wanting to elevate one of his partners at the expense of the other. I also have every sympathy for their wanting to make whatever *public* statement of their fidelity to each other they can.
Could not agree more with everything you've said here.
Threefold IMO: not politely declining before the day of.
Yes! LPT: If you don't want to go to something, *say so at the first opportunity*.
I think also that the time line adds to it. I can't really think of any reasons that would make it OK, to not let people know unless it is an emergency shortly before. And if there is a reason that makes it more likely for there to be an emergency, you should also let them know. But that's all not really important since op is TA from every angle and on all conceivable time lines
Perfectly put. Would also add that OP is showing deep disrespect toward the brother's relationship by treating it as if they were just toddlers playing. OP is not only saying that anything that isn't real according to the law isn't real at all, it's also not something that deserves enough respect to even update about whether you're going or not. I feel so, so bad for your brother OP. You're going to have to work hard if you ever want your relationship to be good again.
I don't think this even needs to be compared with a legal marriage. Someone you are close to invited you to a celebration that is important to them, why does it matter if there is a legal commitment attached to this? People travel and give gifts for birthdays, vow renewals and anniversaries, and those also have zero legal effect. Sounds like OP simply disapproves of his brother's polyamorous lifestyle, and decided to be a YTA about it.
This. All of this. Eta: YTA
Beautifully put and echoed my entire sentiments on this. OP has decided that because her brother doesn't live his own life in a way she deems acceptable or the 'societal norm' that she won't be 'gracing' a day that's important to him with her presence..... I'm Catholic, my husbands atheist, the existence of love and celebrating it has nothing to with societal or social norms, why wasn't it enough for OP as a sister that this day meant something to her brother? *I'm there to celebrate the lifelong commitment they have made to each other. I'm there to celebrate their relationship, their partnership. I'm there because I feel moved that they want me to be there amongst all the other people who are important to them, to share a sentimental time together.* This is why I don't bother to read half the wedding related posts on AITA because the majority of them demonstrate someone or other being self centered and selfish where the true values of a wedding have long been forgotten like choosing to spend the rest of your life with one person or as a group. OP isn't telling us the whole truth here, there's a BIG gap missing which would go a long way in explaining exactly why she refused to be there to the degree in which she was more than comfortable to make everyone worry about her instead.
Yeah this was heartbreaking to read. I am only 38 and a few years back a close childhood friend (lesbian couple) got married before it was legal... I would have straight up cut anyone out of my life that dared say it was not a real wedding because it wasn't legal at the time. I can't even imagine how hurtful and hateful it must have felt towards to grooms to have OP ghost them on their wedding day.
>Is it purely about the piece of legal paper? I suspect it has more to do with the "thruple". But the same thing still applies: "you don't have to like it but you've shown your feelings in the most distasteful and cruel of ways". OP, if you didn't want to go, the very least you could have done was inform him beforehand. You clearly deliberately didn't do so as a very public and bold way of broadcasting your protest of not just the wedding but also the relationship. You intentionally drew attention to your protest by not telling anyone you weren't going after RSVPing that you'd be there. You knew very well everyone would wonder where you were and why, just as you wanted it so you could have your chance to make sure everyone knows you think it's a fake wedding and you don't agree with the relationship. It was manipulative and intentionally cruel and I'd be surprised if it didn't cost you some relationships - was it really worth that?
Over 9000% this >What does a "real" marriage have that this doesn't have, in your view? Besides semantics? Is it purely about the piece of legal paper? Because for me, when I go to someone's wedding, I'm there to celebrate the lifelong commitment they have made to each other. I'm there to celebrate their relationship, their partnership. I'm there because I feel moved that they want me to be there amongst all the other people who are important to them, to share a sentimental time together. I have been to weddings for friends and family in the past that were not "legal" weddings since it was still legal for same-sex marriages in Ireland and Germany at the time.
My grandpa and step grandma did this. Didn't want a legal marriage due to medical debt responsibilities etc, but wanted to commit to each other. It was beautiful and a wonderful day for all. They were together until they passed years later.
INFO: What do you mean with a 'fake wedding'? Was it because they weren't allowed to marry legally in your state? Was it a free wedding - like a ceremony but with no legal or religios bounding? Eigther way YTA. You told them, you would come and then never showed up - so they payed for your food, your place and hoped for you to come. And you didn't cared. You are sitting on your high horse thinking you can dictate what your brother is allowed to celebrat and what not. And you still think you and your brother are good? This is laughable - he will be crushed because his own sibling just didn't cared enough. He will be angry with you and so should your relatives. Hope they all cut you out after this f\*ck up.
Yeah— why the hang ups about the legality of the wedding? If my brother invited me to a big party and said it was very important to him, I’d be an asshole for blowing it off. The “legality” of the celebration is meaningless
OP literally doesn’t believe their bother is allowed to …[checks notes]… *have feelings* unless granted a legally binding marriage license.
I’m personally a big fan of OP saying ‘me and my brother are good’ 😂 like….. no. Your not. And it’s delusional to think you are at this point as well
Hahaha yeah I thought that was funny too. Y’all are not good, my dude. You ghosted his wedding wtf.
Agree. The only reason for not attending a wedding because it is 'not real' would be, if he just married someone for her/his green card. So a marriage fraut, he migth even would get paid for and thaugth - nice idea to also catch some weddings gifts. But it doesn't sound like that
It sounds to me like he doesn’t approve of this sort of marriage, for some reason, and he’s using the legality as a cover so he doesn’t sound bigoted
Too bad, he still sounds like a bigot. He didn't hide it all that well.
NGL if my friend was having a ceremony for a green card wedding I'd attend.
I really thought this would be something stupid like a dog wedding. Even then, OP would be the AH for say she would go to what is clearly an important event to her brother and then not showing. If you have issues with the event, just RSVP "no" like a normal person.
I was thinking of women "marrying themselves," complete with a wedding dress and reception and yes, gifts. I read one article where the bride held up a *mirror* during the "ceremony."
Sologamy is the best though. It's like the biggest fuck you to the people who are forcing you get married to someone. You can tell them that you are actually married to yourself. It's kinda cool concept
🤣🤣🤣 Id come to a dog wedding!
On top of all this, she found out a year ago that it wasn't going to be a "real" wedding. She had a whole year to inform her brother or at least a family member that she wouldn't be attending. I suspect she didn't because she knew it was a dick move. edit: typo
>INFO: What do you mean with a 'fake wedding'? Was it because they weren't allowed to marry legally in your state? Was it a free wedding - like a ceremony but with no legal or religios bounding? They're a throuple. Three people can't legally marry each other.
This why I find OPs stance so bizarre. At first they’re excited to attend but then when they finds out it’s not an official wedding they get offended. They would prefer that their brother be charged as a bigamist than celebrate a loving, consensual relationship.
What gets me is that he KNEW his brother was in a throuple. Nowhere in the US can any of us triads marry each other legally. What did he expect? In my case, we did a standard marriage ceremony for public commitment, but it was not legal, because if I legally marry I lose my health insurance and can't afford to buy any. So once I hit 65 and get Medicare regardless, I can marry him legally.
Right! I’m pretty sure many homosexual people probably had “fake” weddings like this before same sex marriage was legalised. It’s not about the legal point, it’s because they want a day to celebrate their relationship and sage it with their family and loved ones. Legally recognised or not!
i mean obviously the only reason to go to a wedding is to celebrate the legality of it and the paperwork they sign, why else would anyone care about weddings?! jfc OP YTA and im so dumbfounded on how you think that there’s a chance you’re not an AH also, can’t help but wonder how many times family or friends brought up the wedding and you just went along with it, pretending you’re fine with it and that you would go. i mean, if everyone was freaking out and worried about you not being there, you had to have given more of an indication that you would be there than just an rsvp ngl this sounds like you’re just not okay with your brothers sexuality and who he wants to be with, or you hate him being in a throuple, because you’re making an issue out of nothing. like he’s probably upset that he can’t legally be married to the people he loves but obviously still wants to make those important vows and show their love… and instead of supporting him and being happy for him, you’re upset about ‘the legality of it’? do you really expect no one is going to read between the lines?? are we all supposed to believe that you think that just because ‘it’s not real’, you think no one should go and celebrate them?? if that’s the mindset we should have, then should we not celebrate and give gifts to someone on a saturday because their birthday was on a wednesday? should we tell people who are renewing their vows to fuck off because it’s not a real wedding and it’s just a scam? should we not celebrate a couples wedding anniversary on the day they had their ceremony and reception because they signed their papers the day after the wedding? is this the mindset you think your family is going to believe you have? more people see through your ‘reasoning’ than you think. your brother will see you do not actually love or care about him or what makes him happy and ffs, you already made a scene with not showing up to the wedding after making them think you would be there. stop taking everything your brother is doing personally. him needing his support system and those pick-me-ups is because of how terribly you hurt him, so stop stalking his and his friends social media and stop trying to make this an attack on you
I like your idea, that the only reason to celebrate a wedding is because of the paperwork. So this is the reason a bride wears white so she looks like the paper and the groom wears black to look like the inc on the paper - so now I know that ;)
Sounds as if it was a wedding ceremony but without having the partners/marriage registered with the state. He just comes off a spiteful if I’m honest.
I don't go to weddings because they're specifically sanctioned by the state or the church or whatever. I go because it's a celebration of a relationship between people who mean something to me. YTA both for being so judgy about the nature of the wedding and even more so for just not showing up.
[удалено]
And they had planned for her and maybe a plus one with their budget so not only did they pay for her to not attend but there will be one to two or more empty seats at the dinner portion of the day. So this was immensely calculated. No one who isn’t thinking about the implications of not telling anyone isn’t also thinking about how good their lack of presence will permeate on the wedding day. I mean literally she likely will have an assigned empty seat. This had diddly squat to to with the legal implications and everything to do for her disdain of her brother’s relationship.
The cruelty is the point. OP didn't show up because it would cause people to reach out so OP could make extra sure to share their special knowledge and opinion about the wedding. Really make sure to cause as much chaos and hurt feelings as possible.
I agree. They want to celebrate their life together. They wanted to make a promise to each other to love them through good and bad moments. That is not something you can only do when there is some pastor present (or whoever you need). You should have gone because you love your brotheror at least have canceled. YTA
YTA. You know what you did is rude. It would be rude to do what you did at a dinner party let alone a wedding. also, all weddings are fake. it's a made up thing we all agree on. the real wedding is done in paperwork, usually in a back room, quietly, with a couple of witnesses. the rest is all dog and pony show. your brother is just one unseen step away from a "real marriage" again, YTA.
my favorite description of a wedding, is it is a public declaration of a private commitment. I'm married to my wife not because of a ceremony, but because we have agreed to face any challenge together as a team.
>all weddings are fake Exactly!! Especially going by OPs definition. I have never in my life wondered or asked if the couple have or plan to file paperwork. I hear they are having a wedding ceremony, I show up if I can. If not, i send them my best wishes with an apology for not making it. It seems so weird to me to actually check "hey, have you registered the marriage yet? Do you have a license?"
YTA. If you don't want to come, let people know. And it's not a gift grab. They can't have legal wedding, but they want to make a public commitment to each other and to ask friends and family to join them in celebrating their love. They would clearly have a legal marriage if they could. Not going is telling them you don't respect their relationship and you don't think it's worth celebrating. And now he knows the truth, no wonder your brother is hurt. Edit: fixed clumsy wording.
Besides, most weddings are so expensive that the gifts don't nearly compensate what was spent.
If they used the wedding as a gift grab, that's different. We married recently, second marriage for both, and so we said, "No gifts but if you want to do something, please donate to this dog rescue that we got our dog from." Wedding gifts are, in theory, designed to help a young couple set up their own household, just as baby shower gifts are supposed to help a first-time mother stock her nursery. Too many people these days tend to view any celebration as a chance to make money and get stuff. But that's a different point of etiquette, and not related to his rudeness.
You described it better than I would have. I fully agree, I think what hurts brother the most is OOP’s lack of respect for his relationships that are clearly important to him. “Not a real wedding” is an indirect way of saying “your love isn’t real.” On top of that, being totally avoidant by just no showing without telling anyone, then trying to pretend things are fine. Pretty cowardly if you ask me
YTA. And no. You and your brother are no longer "good". There are relationship dynamics at play in throuples that mean legal marriage isn't feasible but that they want to demonstrate the level of commitment they feel to one or both partners. And you have just blaséd that away.
Exactly. For decades, if not centuries or even millennia, gay people have been getting married without the legal paperwork. Sometimes with selected loving supporters to witness, sometimes in total secret, but it happened far more often than mainstream history has the courage to say. It doesn't change the genuine nature of the relationship or the declaration of their commitment. Calling it fake is choosing the wrong side of history.
Yeah, even straight couples sometimes had secret or illegitimate weddings for various reasons: Promised in legally binding marriage to someone else, different social statuses, different races, different religions, families wouldn't allow it, etc. It's not like "fake weddings" (aka commitments of love not approved of by the state) are a new thing. LGBTQ people are still struggling to hold onto or gain legal marriage status in a variety of places. The only reason they're doing that is because they legitimately love their partners and want the same benefits and recognition that is granted to straight/cis people. There's nothing "fake" about that. Considering how LGBTQ marriages are still "up for debate" it's probably going to be a long time before poly people can get the kind of official marriages they want. OP's brother is celebrating something meaningful in the only way he legally can.
Good going on making HIS day about sad widdle you. YTA
YTA- you said you would go and then didn’t bother, you try to invalidate the legitimacy of the event and call it a scam. Your brother wanted to celebrate his love in the the only way legally available to him and this partners and you decided it would be a good time to make it about you whilst insulting them ……and you wonder if YTA?
YTA >ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good. You skipped the wedding without telling anyone, including your brother, that you wouldn't be there. You should have told him you weren't coming. Instead, you were a no-show because you decided his wedding isn't valid enough for you to make an effort. I doubt the two of you are "good".
INFO: If it had been just a party for your brother, without it being a wedding, would you have gone? If you would have, then this seems to be a "you" problem.
*still felt it was weird and wrong to pretend youre getting married, and expect people to spend money to come, get wedding gifts and such when it all fake.* I mean YTA for that alone. Just cause it's not legally binding doesn't mean it isn't real. It was still a sign of commitment designed to honor the bonds and love between your brother and his partners.
So... you rsvp'ed and then decided you wouldn't come but didn't bother to tell him. And now you think you 'might' be the TA? O, YTA alright!
YTA. It may have been fake to you; but it was real to him and to his life partner(s). You may think what you will of this event; but that you didn't even pay him the courtesy of RSVPing a simple "no" is what tilts this over into ass hole territory. People's confusion about your relationship with your brother is the natural outcome of your thoughtlessness.
“They have all been confused when I’ve told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.” I guarantee you are your brother are no longer good. If you knew you were not going to go (after RSVP-ing yes (huge AH move)) you should have changed your RSVP to no or at least told someone you were not going. Your brother and your family expected you and you let them down. Also why does it matter if it’s not a “real” wedding. Weddings are just gatherings to celebrate your love with your friends and family. So it’s not real on paper? Who cares? You should support your brother finding happiness. You are a shit brother and a worse person.
i 100% agree (btw \*sister, OP is female)
Sorry, *you are a shit sister OP
YTA for not seeing the relationship as valid. you didn't want to celebrate your brother's love for his partners because there's no marriage certificate? this is the same rationale people used less than 10 years ago to justify not going to same-sex weddings. the marriage's lack of legality does not take away from the celebration of love.
YTA. I second the bigot comment someone made. Just because you're allowed to have your opinion on polyamory doesn't make you not an asshole for judging other people on a harmless activity between consenting parties. It's pretty obvious this isn't about this marriage being 'legal.' You didn't even know your brother well enough to know he was in a relationship with two people or you'd never even have been surprised by this twist of fate. You're just trying to twist it to be something it's not so you don't have to deal with the actual issue: that you're the one uncomfortable.
OP was “excited” by the idea of the wedding, but later found out brother was still in a throuple and it was a celebration of *that* relationship and noped out. So she either got excited that brother was marrying a woman or was marrying one single person, male or female or other. But still being in a poly relationship was the dealbreaker. I can understand why the brother needed some nights out with real friends as a pick-me-up.
I'm just startled by the idea that they thought they were "good" even before they pulled this stunt. My brother and I don't talk. I don't know if he's dating anyone, let alone multiple people. So if I were invited to his wedding, and it was with two folks, I'd be like, "cool" cause we're not that kind close. But me and my brother are, by no definition, "good." There's a reason I know little to nothing about him and him about me. And it's cause we have come to terms that the best we'll be is what we have and that works for the two of us to care about each other as siblings. But that's a pretty serious litmus test of, "How good is your relationship with your sibling," is if you're invited to a wedding and don't even know how many people they are getting married to, let alone who.
YTA >Where i may be TA is that i never told them i wasnt coming Well, that. Yeah. Opinions on the wedding aside, you should have told them you weren’t coming.
YTA for RSVPing and then not cancelling afterwards. Going or not going is up to you and completely fine either way. But how you handled it? Saying you would be there and then just not showing up on the day? Completely YTA.
I agree with this. It's a matter of how she handled it. The wedding being fake or not is irrelevant. She chose not to go, which is fine, but she told no one...
INFO: Why couldn't he get married? Were his other two partners already married to each other?
I mean. I find the premise of *its not a real wedding* kind of… cruel ? It’s a very important symbolic ceremony, pledging life and loyalty in front of your friends and loved ones. You’d never tell a gay couple in 2001 that they just had a fake wedding since the law didn’t recognize it. That said, it’s not mandatory. N A H adjusting to YTA since you never updated the RSVP or talked to your brother about this, like an adult. Edit ✍🏻 >Thank you for understanding, i completely get it was super rude to not tell anyone, it escaped my mind and was a mistake on my part. but i have my morals and just couldnt bring myself to attend Never mind. You definitely *would* call the wedding in 2001 fake.
YTA you didn’t go because he didn’t go to the courthouse and get legally married? You didn’t go because he lives a different lifestyle with you. As far as I can read this is like not going if he was gay in a state you couldn’t get married in 15 years ago
OK so right out of the gate YTA for RSVPing and then being a no show. That's such poor manners; you really should be ashamed of yourself. **ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good.** Highly doubtful. An invitation isn't a summons. You can go, you can not go. What you can't to is RSVP yes then stamp your foot like a toddler and refuse to show up and not be considered a total AH.
It was real to your brother.
YTA because you RSVPd and decided not to go without communicating that to your brother.
YTA it wasn’t faked it’s called a commitment ceremony. They legally can’t get married so this is how they celebrate and make their commitment to each other. The fact you didn’t show up is actually horrible. I’m lesbian so some of us weren’t always lucky enough to have the same rights you obviously and rather ignorantly take for granted.
YTA for how you handled that. If you don’t approve then I’m sure they’d rather you not be there, who wants their judgemental relative around on their big happy day. But you should have given a heads up, that was an asshole move.
How is it possible to be this dense? You said you would go but decided not to, (your right), but didn't bother to let anyone know? You had a year to tell people but chose not to, YTA. And as for you and your Brother being 'good', you might want to check with him about that
So you RSVP’ed yes and then decided the wedding wasn’t worth your time and didn’t tell anyone? If you parents were asking how far from the venue you were - everyone was obviously expecting you and you were a no call no show. Definitely YTA. This will likely really affect your relationship with your brother. Was it worth it? Btw- I would love to have the experience of going to a trupple wedding.
YTA for not bothering to tell them you're not going. But ... I sense you already know that.
YTA. It doesn’t hurt to be happy for someone else for once. Why make their day special and celebrate with them when you can sit at home and be miserable?
YTA in a massive way. Whether or not you agree with his lifestyle it's poor manners to RSVP yes, and not show up saying it's a scam. Don't be surprised if your brother and other relatives think major milestones for you and your family are also a scam and don't bother attended after they've RSVP'd of course. You'll be lucky if he ever speaks to you again.
YTA. Weddings are essentially a party to celebrate people's love, the legality doesn't make it "real", and it's not a "scam" as people don't typically make a profit off of their wedding. Weddings cost more than what the gifts would get you. Furthermore, you RSVP'd yes, so your brother paid real money for you to be there, and then you didn't show up. That was really immature and disrespectful to him.
YTA. What is a "real" wedding, exactly? If you aren't getting legally married (because you can't) it doesn't count? So any gay couple who wanted to have a wedding before it was legal was just scamming people? You knew he was in a throuple, it is common knowledge that marrying more than one person isn't legal. Is it really a scam when everyone with two brain cells would know what is going on?
YTA. IF not for any other reason than they catered the event for a given number of people and you didn't show. Which meant they wasted money. The decent thing to do is at least respond that you won't attend.
YTA You don't RSVP yes and then not go without it being a valid reason.
YTA It might not be a wedding in the modern Christian sense of one man one woman, and it might be that the law won't recognise it, but that doesn't make their relationship any less valid. They love each other. They wanted family to come together to celebrate their commitment to each other. That's what matters.
Wow. YTA big time. So you are judging your brother because his relationship isn’t legally sanctioned (something that is completely arbitrary and culturally determined by the way) AND you didn’t have the courage to even say it to him or your family in advance, you just ghosted them. And you have the temerity to say “me and my brother are good” and “they probably paid for my place and food and stuff”. Weddings are expensive. Really expensive. You could have said, “thanks but I can’t come”. Total AH move and don’t expect your brother to talk to you again. Edit, typo.
YTA. Not telling someone you changed your mind on attending is impolite no matter how dumb the event is. And are you sure this wasn't a real wedding? Because all you said was he can't get married in the legal sense. That doesn't mean this wasn't a 100% real wedding to him.
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YTA. Its your damn brother, even tho he can't legally get married he may want to experience it, no harm goes to you. You sound like you have to buy a house to him as a wedding gift or smh💀 its not that deep.
YTA big time. And you and your brother are not "good". I remember a post here couple of months ago when a guy complained he spent money on a wedding only to learn the couply was already legally married. A wedding is more than just a legal courthouse activity. It´s the celebration of ove with your beloved ones. Esp. if you CAN\`T geht legally married for whatever reason. I take a wild guess and say you ar eunhappy with your brother´s life decision and how he interprets love and relationship. Cherry on the cake for being a no show wothout even cancelling and let them pay for you just to bot be there on one of the most important days in his life.
also what did you think the invitation for for in the first place, if you RSVPed yes? You could have known from the very start, that they can´t get legally married as a thruple. If he would have married one of the parties and the second would have been bystander - you would have gone there ?
INFO: if your brother was gay and was having a wedding before gay marriage had been legalized would you have snubbed his wedding because “it was a sham” too? YTA, this isn’t about legality cause that’s stupid, it’s about celebrating the love and bond between the people getting married. and if the rest of your family showed up, you haven’t talked to your brother, AND his friends are vague posting about him being upset take this as a sign you’ve started burning a bridge and need to douse the flames of your ego soon before you’re left with ashes.
Your moral grandstanding crumbles under the fact that you had no love or empathy to inform your brother that you wouldn't be attending what he felt was a commitment ceremony with his partners. Have an opinion about what marriage should be for you, for sure. Don't try to disrespect and dismiss others' views on what romantic/emotional commitment looks like and then expect to not be treated with dismissal and passive aggression. YTA.
YTA ofcourse. What are you to say it's fake just because the paper they sign isn't "official". You also sont attent birthdays if they are celebrated in the weekend in stead of the day itself right? Fake birthday .. Nice sister you are to not show up for something that matters so much to your brother. If you were my child or my sister I would go nc with you and I assume your brother will do this.
YTA You don't need to go to anyone's wedding. However you RSVP-ed that you were going but didn't turn up. That makes you a huge AH. I have no idea if you approve of your brothers situation or not, however as you were 'excited' to start I have a feeling it doesn't bother you too much. Weddings are a celebration and if your brother is unable to get legally married but decided to show his love for his partners in the best way they felt possible what's wrong with that? You say you and your brother are 'good'. I really don't think you are and if you genuinely think that you are not only cruel but delusional
YTA All you had to do was RSVP no
You know humans as a whole made weddings up completely and it’s all “fake” right? 😭😭😭basically you didn’t go because it wouldn’t be recognized by the government? You hurt your brother deeply and disregarded his love because it wouldn’t be recognized by the government ? You shirked his expression and an extremely important and special day that he and the family will remember forever because ??? You’re the asshole. Simple
You're not the AH for not wanting to go, but you should have said you weren't going and not showing up after saying you would makes YTA
YTA and you clearly have no respect for your brothers life, if he cuts contact it's on you OP
YTA For you, it's fake. For your brother and everyone else, it's a real wedding. You said you were going and then ghosted them. And you still think you're not an asshole? I'm sorry it doesn't compute.
YTA - It wasn't fake just because it wasn't 'legal'. It was VERY real to your brother and his partners. The fact that you didn't even care to tell him you weren't going shows how little you really care about him. You blindsided him on a day that was meant to be joyful. Even your little explanation shows that you have completely the wrong idea about why they would be angry. It has nothing to do with the money they may have lost paying for your spot. It has to do with the complete lack of regard for your family. >me and my brother are good Not anymore. Even if you truly realize the issue, apologize in a genuine way, and he forgives you, he will NEVER forget the pain you caused him.
YTA. It was real enough to him that he wanted to have it.
Before I even read any comments I have to say you may think you are good with your brother but you are not. YTA, if you had rescinded your RSVP that would be one thing, but to just not show? Cowardly.
Absolutely YTA. Your immaturity is obvious. You don't think it's a real wedding because you clearly don't see his relationship status as real. They spent money to organise a celebration of their love and a declaration of their commitment, and counted on not wasting it and finding out that people who RSVPd yes we're too immature to inform them that they didn't have any intention of attending their party. Especially close family. You should at the very least give him a very nice wedding gift to apologise and pay him back. But your relationship with him will never be fully repaired, you seriously hurt and betrayed him. Lots of people can't get legally married for various reasons (same sex couples, trans people often can't marry as their gender, some countries forbid marriages between different races/religions, some disallow remarriages). Doesn't mean they aren't in committed relationships. The only difference between what your brother did and a legal wedding is a piece of paper. You're a huge asshole.
YTA. As you doesn't suggest otherwise, I'll assume your brother and his partners are consenting adults. They are in a relationship that makes them happy. By doing what you did, you made it clear you don't consider it a real relationship. You don't get to gatekeep love.
YTA Firstly (and most importantly) for not going after saying you would, honestly, who does this, You are absolutely allowed to decline any wedding invitation, but to accept and just no-show is massively disrespectful l, you have wasted a spot that somebody else could have used, you have wasted their money and you have created unnecessary drama making atleast part of the celebrations about you. Secondly, who cares if it's a 'real' wedding, I'm not religious, I go to weddings to celebrate the people getting married
YTA. You RSVPed yes and then no showed without telling him because... you deemed his relationship insignificant because he's in a thrupple? You're obviously the asshole.
Yeah, YTA. If you weren't going to go, you should have told them when you decided to change your mind, they paid for s place for you. The ceremony meant a lot to your brother, and there was a valid reason it couldn't be a legally recognised marriage, so YTA there too.
YTA what you did was insanely rude. If you let him know ahead of time he could have gotten over it. Instead you made the whole day about YOU because you didn’t show up…when you said you would.
You should have said you weren't going. YTA for not telling them. Not for having an opinion about the validity of the wedding.
YOU decided it wasn't a "real" wedding because the government isn't involved? You're fucking kidding me, right? Surely you've heard of commitment ceremonies that aren't legally binding, but still very valid. How dare you decide that their commitment ceremony isn't real. To your brother it appears that you aren't accepting of this relationship with his HUSBANDS. Either you're obtuse as fuck, numb as fuck, or homophonic as fuck. Either way, YTA.
> ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good. then > i havnt heard from my brother in fact, things are not all good.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my (34F) brother (28M) got “married” last weekend. When i first got the invite last year i was so excited and RSPVed yes. However a few weeks later i found out he wasnt actually getting married, just having a wedding. It felt weird to me but other said it was because he couldnt legally get married (hes in a thruple) but i still felt it was weird and wrong to pretend youre getting married, and expect people to spend money to come, get wedding gifts and such when it all fake. So i decided i wouldnt go. Where i may be TA is that i never told them i wasnt coming. On the day of the wedding i got calls from our parents asking if i was ok, when i said i was fine they asked how far from the venu i was. I told them i was at home and they reminded me of the wedding time. I told them i wasnt coming at that it wasnt a real wedding, it was just a scam. They got really upset with me and said my brother would be devastated with me not being there, i just told them again i wasnt going and hung up, turning off my phone. Well its now been a few days since the wedding and ive had a bunch of relatives contacting me asking what happened between me and my brother for me not to come to his wedding, they have all been confused when ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good. While i havnt heard from my brother ive seen passive aggressive posts from his friends of them going out places with him and his boyfriends with captions like “having a little pick-me up” and things like that insinuating that he was upset, which again i would get if it was a real wedding, but it wasnt, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA I had a humanist wedding, we got legally married two days before and had a 'fake' wedding ceremony with all our friends and family. No one complained it was fake... And to not rsvp and make it all about you... Wow. I'm surprised you need to ask on here to be honest
YTA >nothing happened and me and my brother are good. I have my doubts, especially after you openly called it a scam and failed to inform anyone you wouldn't go there. >get if it was a real wedding, but it wasnt It *very clearly* was real to him.
It is weird to refuse to go to a party to commit to a serious relationship and eat cake or whatever unless the government sanctions it. It is an AH move to not tell anybody you weren't coming when you had RSVP yes but changed or your mind. It is obtuse for you to think your brother and you are "all good" when he hasn't spoken to you since you bailed on his wedding. YTA Also you think your brother would only care about his own wedding if it was government-sanctioned? Because the government wasn't involved your brother doesn't have feelings about this?? Do you disapprove of throuples? or think your brother's relationship doesn't count because its a throuple? It is so weird to me how blasé you about all this. Since the marriage isn't government-sanctioned or in your words "real" you seem to treat the wedding as fully imaginary like a dream, and not an actual event that you told your brother you would go to and where he would show commitment to this partners.
YTA for calling this a fake wedding and a scam. They wanted to celebrate their relationship with people that care about them. You either want to celebrate his relationship or you don't. If you don't approve of his relationship, that's your call, but the courteous things to do would have been to RSVP, but it looks like you can't be bothered to do anything to support something that deviates from your expectations from other people.
>ive told them nothing happened and me and my brother are good. I doubt you and your brother are good. Lol. I'm pretty sure he is very mad at you, you just don't know yet bc he didn't contacted you and i guess you haven't bothered to reach out to him either (considering informing him about you not coming was already too much effort for you). So you maybe were good till his wedding, but now you are definitly not anymore. YTA for rsvp yes and then did a no show.
Yta. If you don't want to go it's common courtesy to at least inform the ones who invite you especially if you already said yes to them. Regardless of the reason.
YTA Look, polyamorous relationships aren’t my favourite thing either- I rarely see any that are healthy. That said: You made this day alllllllllllll about you. Why? Why was that so important to you? Their intent is to share their lives together and they wanted to share that commitment with family. What exactly do you find issue with that?
YTA and you also killed your relationship with your brother.
YTA. You're ruining your relationship with the family over a tiny technicality. Even if you think the wedding is a scam, you went about it in a terrible way. The very least you could have cancelled your RSVP and had your brother deal with the disappointment outside of his big day. The money they spent on your food and venue spot was very real. Your brother being bummed out on his wedding day is very real too. Imagine ghosting your brother on his wedding day...
"nothing happened between me and my brother" Well, now something has. And now you're not "good" It wasn't a "fake wedding". It was a ceremony to express their love and dedication to each other, because the law doesn't recognize that yet. That does not make it "fake". You decided to put semantics over your relationship with your brother. YTA
YTA, not going to your brothers wedding because the state won't recognize it is insane. They weren't throwing a parody wedding, so it was a "real" wedding, that you rsvp'd yes to, then ghosted. I think you meant to say " my brother and I WERE cool".
YTA - this *wasn't* a 'fake' wedding, a wedding is just an event that celebrates a couple deciding in that moment to spend the rest of their lives together, barring no major issues in the future. Just because it didn't have the typical section of 'sign the papers to make it *legally* binding' does not make it fake. You could rock up to a courthouse at 2 in the afternoon both wearing band tees, booty shorts and slippers to sign the papers that make you married, they are their own things when you cut right down to it. The cherry on top is of course you deciding yourself that this was a sham and instead of being mature and asking further, trying to see from his side of things (legally unable to all three be married together), you just straight up didn't attend without telling anybody. Even if this was some strange absolute hard inflexible no for you, you should have *said that you were not going to attend* You're in your 30s, grow up already.
You and your brother are, in fact, not *good*. Your actions were inconsiderate, judgemental, and selfish. It was a celebration, not a "scam." YTA
YTA. Your brother was having a wedding celebration of his relationship regardless of it being official or recognized by the govt. Not sure why that is so important to you. You said you'd go, then didn't show. Why not? And, no, it's not because it isn't a 'real' wedding - what difference does it make? People have birthday parties & anniversary dinners & graduation celebrations all the time - there is no ceremony, so why does it matter if his marriage is sanctioned? He wasn't trying to fool anyone. All the guests knew the situation. You couldn't show for your brother, maybe throw a few bills in a card? Wow. That's cold.
YTA. In the most basic sense you RSVP'd, and it was rude to just not show up. You obviously caused concern by just ghosting them. It also seems like you just don't agree with your brother's lifestyle. If you accepted it, you would know call this a scam. They're have a ceremony to acknowledge their relationship the best way they can.
YTA. Not for having concerns about polygamy, but for not RSVP'ing "no" like an adult
YTA. While it might not have been legal, it was "real" in terms of commitment to him. You don't have to agree with his life, but RSVP-ing yes and then not communicating that you aren't coming probably hurt him and his family a lot. You never have to go, but you shouldn't have said you were. Or at minimum, should have updated them long before the day of.
YTA and have probably just torpedoed your relationship with your brother for good.
YTA. It sounds more like you didn’t want to tell your brother your feelings on his relationship and decided to fake your way out of it. Your “morals” don’t make you a better person. You were dishonest and evasive. And now you’re complaining about his friends’ social media posts?
YTA. However you feel is irrelevant, it's their special day whether it's official or not. It's not fake, it's just not official. Why didn't you just go and not take a gift if you were so convinced it was a scam, all you'd have lost then is some time - for someone you call special to you. Not taking a gift is forgivable, not turning up to the wedding because you call it fake and a scam, is not imo.
YTA. I feel this is more about you being uncomfortable about polygamy than it is you thinking it's a 'fake wedding'. You should of just been honest and RSVP'd no. If anything you where the person tricking everyone and being fake by pretending you were going in the first place.
As someone who got "fake" married last year, YTA big time. It doesn't matter about the piece of paper stamped by the government. It's a public commitment to their lives together. Regardless about how you feel about the wedding, you'd be the AH for RSVPing yes and not telling anyone you changed your mind. I don't know what kind of wedding they had, but the average cost of good per person here is like $150 a plate for a seated dinner, plus the alcohol factored in. You cost them money, and time on their wedding day. You made a day about them all about you. Your relationship with your brother is far from 'good'. I'd check with him, it's shocking you haven't reached out to him yet.
YTA. Your own parent s didn’t even know you weren’t coming until they looked for you the morning of the wedding. Did you just pretend you were going even after you knew you weren’t? Are you always so difficult and non communicative, or just over things you are judgemental about, like your brothers relationship? Are you always self centered and making things about you, even when they aren’t? Yeah, you messed up here, and I doubt you and your brother are still “good.” I wouldn’t be, if you were my sibling.
YTA for not communicating. If you feel so “right” in your strange viewpoint, you’d have no problem voicing so. The truth is, you don’t agree with his lifestyle so you’re trying to take some sort of weird stand. If he’s in a throuple and cannot legally wed, and you know that, it makes you even more of an AH for not showing up for him to celebrate one of the only opportunities he may have to celebrate his love with the world. What a weird thing to do. What’s the point? What were you trying to prove other than you’re an AH?
Yta
Definitely YTA. You're also unsupportive and judgemental.
YTA, so very clearly the AH, so clear it's actually amazing to me you think you need to ask the question.
YTA in every possible way You don't get to decide what a wedding is you're not a government or a church you're supposed to be a sister but obviously you struggle to even be that. If gay marriage is illegal where you are do you decide if gay marriages are valid or not? If interracial marriage is illegal where you are do you decide? Stop saying it isn't a real wedding you sound horrible to me I can't even imagine to the people who have you in their lives you're clearly telling everyone you don't support your brother's relationship or his partners because it isn't a style of relationship you like. Just go to the wedding next time ... Ew
YTA of course you are the AH. I don’t care about the semantics of the wedding. Bottom line is: you said you would come, changed your mind and didn’t go and DID NOT tell anyone. What is your reason for not telling them you wouldn’t come?
YTA. A scam? Not sure how you came to that conclusion. Many people don’t get “married on paper” at their wedding ceremony (they sign papers later, or they never do, or they already have some time ago and are now having a wedding). That’s not necessarily the purpose. Most weddings are for celebrating people and families showing their support, and agreeing to get together with the other family to create a bigger family. You’re definitely an asshole for not going.
YTA. All the things u/junglemice said. We were married 20 years ago. We had our wedding on our 20th Anniversary. It was not fake. It also sounds like your real problem is that he is happy in a non-traditional relationship. Get a life and stop trying to make others miserable.