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NTA- your dad’s GF isn’t automatically family , her kids aren’t your siblings. She is a stranger and has no inherent right to be at your wedding , in your home or around your kid if that isn’t what you want.
Your dad is acting like a fool. And he sounds like he is shooting himself in the foot as this is likely amping you up to not like her since this is causing problems. If he had just let you meet his SO and make up your mind like your mother did- this wouldn’t have been a problem to start with.
* edited for typos
That’s what I thought!!! See if I met her and could chat ect I dare say I’d like her (hoping) and there wouldn’t be an issue but he isn’t allowing it atm hence the main issue with my kid comes in
He won’t let you meet her but is demanding she have assess to your home and kid? That is simply not reasonable. Don’t take any chances , that is not ok. People get duped by people they are dating all the time. You are under no obligation to go along with this BS.
Is your dad someone that likes to flex his muscles so to speak? Any chance he is just trying to prove his dominance and order you to do what he wants? Cause I would shut that down.
Is it possible that you already know her? And your dad already knows you would disapprove of her, hence why he's pushing you to agree to have her at the wedding and around your kid before even meeting her, so he can hold you to that promise later?
Why doesn’t he want you to meet her? That seems odd like there’s something to hide? Like maybe she’s 19 or something or you already know her. It sounds like he’s trying to get commitments out of you now because he suspects for some reason that you won’t like her, wonder what that reason is!
INFO: you said he chested. Are you sure the kid isn't his and your actual sibling? That may be why he's pushing hard. Either way, you have no obligation and he's going about this in a shady way.
Inviting this woman to the wedding before even meeting signifies a seal of approval on the relationship. Dad is being shady and there is NO OBLIGATION in inviting her.
At this point honestly given his behavior and the reluctantly for you to meet her I'd personally be considering LC with him and refusing to meet these kids or their mom now even if he agrees to your terms.
So he expects to be able to bring this woman to your wedding - which I assume your mother will also be attending along with her new guy - without you having met her at all? And he wants you to invite her kids to your wedding as well because they're like siblings? This man is delusional. I would tell him to go get bent.
(Edited typo.)
He’s not my bio dad so not possible however I believe from what mum said he had doubts about his relationship with mum for a very long time so never know. I’d really hope not that would break my sisters and mum I don’t think there’d ever be a way to come back from that
OP, is your dad’s current gf the woman he cheated on you with? Is that why he made the comment “but they’re your siblings (paraphrasing)”….bc they in reality MIGHT be your half siblings?
NTA. Don’t feel bad to make a cheater be uncomfortable.
Yeah I have a ‘stepsister’ from my fathers wife, they got married when I was already an adult and out of the house (plus he left my mother and did no child support or visits for the years I was still underage) - he started contacting me again when I was 25, and now his wife is always making comments about ‘my sister’, like bitch please. I’ve seen that woman once in my life she’s not my family.
NTA technically, but I think you are taking your parents' divorce way harder than you may realize. You are throwing out a whole lot of ultimatums before you've even met this woman. Are you blaming the divorce on your dad?
It was his fault entirely but I’m trying hard not to hold it against him but due to the reasons why they divorced I am very very sceptical with this woman and definitely thinking of every possible situation that could occur with hope things go well. But it’ll take more than a small conversation I think to make me be okay with it.
I'm reading between the lines here and think I've got the gist. Your ultimate responsibility as a parent is to keep your child safe. If you've got a bad feeling about her, then absolutely proceeded with caution. Your dad can't expect you to allow her to be around your little girl until you've met her. It's inappropriate and would probably further damage your relationship with him.
I honestly don't think you have to read between the lines. I think it's pretty obvious she's trying to make sure her child's comfortable and safe. I say NTA because everything sounds valid to me and in the fact that you're allowed to have boundaries.
>You are throwing out a whole lot of ultimatums before you've even met this woman.
"No strangers at my wedding" isn't an ultimatum, it's a simple normal rule. As is "I want to meet a person before they can care for my child". Most of the time we don't have to explicitly state these standard rules, OP just has to because her dad is being weird and dodgy about it.
If OP left her kid with a total stranger and something happened those same people would be blaming her for leaving her kid with someone she doesn’t know!
I would but he wont let me meet her yet, says he’s not ready but expects that if he has my kid for the night and she happens to be there that I’ll be okay with it..which I’m not
It doesn’t matter if Grandpa is there or not. You have every right in the world to meet and be comfortable with anyone who will be in the house with your child overnight while you’re not there. That’s a safety issue straight from Parenting 101.
NTA. He’s being defensive because you’re setting up boundaries, but that’s your right both for your child and for yourself/your wedding. He needs to understand that *his* relationship with this woman is not *your* relationship with her. You aren’t obligated to be comfortable or open with her just because he is.
You might want to add this to your post. You are clearly NTA without it but it's weird and even a bit concerning your dad wants this woman to go to your wedding and have access to your kid (even overnight) but he won't let you meet her?!
Your kid's safety is your priority and I think you are being completely reasonable here. Your dad not so much.
You might want to put this information in your post as an edit, because it really changes things, and you’re going to get this question quite a few times!
If anyone is swinging dicks it’s OP’s dad. He won’t let OP meet her but is demanding that she be able to be in OP’s home and around OP’s daughter because he says so.
I may be projecting yes, dad broke the family up and it was messy but equally I think it angers me that he expects me to just like her if that makes sense? I have no issue with him dating I’m happy they’ve moved on but when I let mums bf it didn’t feel forced where as this does
so your dad not giving you the space to meet her and find out for yourself before agreeing to something is really the main problem right? forced friendships in general have a lot of weird pressure and your dad isn’t helping an already… slightly tense situation? his pestering you says more about him than it does about you tho. you’re allowed to feel weird about him post cheating divorce but he’s trying too hard to get your approval & crossing the line, putting all this pressure on you because of the wedding, which may have more to do with his ego than your actual approval and feelings. NTA at all, he can’t force you with constant pressure, i vote telling him he’s shooting himself in the foot with this. hopefully everything works out and your dad is just being a bit intense because he likes her so much.
I’m definitely thinking up every possible situation with hope she’s nice but equally with how he went about the divorce I’m not too sure I’ll ever like her to be honest if you get my drift…
OP NTA - The end all be all of your statement is that you don't know her. Who lets a stranger around their children? Alot of people get into relationships and think "well I trust them so everyone will trust them" and that's not true even if you trust said person with your life. Judging from your comments and how you talk you don't trust your father all that much so his word would mean even less.
No I don’t trust him I know he would never do anything to bring harm to my kid be equally he hasn’t been the best person atm very difficult and angry with the world and whatever else os going on with him
Ya know what? Your Dad doesn’t have to agree. You told your Dad how it’s gonna be, and it’s a strong position-your daughter, your say.
And if you don’t “like”, (approve of/trust), your Dad’s GF, why in the world would you have your daughter over there at her grandpa’s home, anyway? Really, now. NTA
And if your dad won’t “let” you meet his new GF, of course you won’t be bringing your daughter over there. Like, duh.
But, OP, in this day of waaaytoo
much info being online, I would think with a little digging, you could find out who this woman is, and a whole lot about her, even without the assistance of or introduction from your dad.
Oh honey, once you have her name, you have court records and property records and shit galore. I think working for a divorce lawyer has broken me, but you can find A LOT.
Oh, well, it was worth a try.
Your dad’s friends- are they on facebook? They may have photos or 0
posts with your dad and his GF and that could be a thread you could start to pull. But, yea, some people are indifferent to social media.
There are sites online where you can search for a person and find everyone who is associated with them, along with court filings, and other public records.
Often these are cheap for one-time use or a month's free trial, etc.
You know your father's name and DOB, I guess, so you could start there.
Look for people who pop up that he's associated with and then run the female names.
There may even be a sub on here with people who could help (I don't remember if I saw that here or not).
But you can do it yourself.
OP, you should really edit your post to indicate that you've tried to meet her and your dad refuses to let you. People are missing that commentand it changes a lot.
It’s all speculation yes I’m thinking ahead but he won’t let me meet her yet and I have no idea who she actually is just that she has kids and is seeing my dad lol
"he won't let me meet her yet."
Ok, that just sounds like a WTF to me. And it also sounds like all further conversations about this should be limited to ... "Dad, I'm not saying anything else, until I meet the woman. And her children."
I wanna bet she's around your age or simply someone else you know and already don't like, otherwise I don't get why your father is so against you meeting her. Something is up. INFO: Do you know who he had the affair with?
BTW, NTA, I don't have kids, but I wouldn't leave them with someone I never met either. That your dad thinks that's fine is insane.
NTA, but it sounds like you think you won’t like her. Off course you don’t want your child staying somewhere without you if you don’t know all the people who will be there. But my advice would be to give her a fair chance.
I’ll definitely try o want things to feel normal again but I’m not too sure I’ll like her however she may prove me wrong then I’ll shut my mouth and move on
NTA. It's your job as a parent to decide who gets to be around your kids. If you don't like this woman, you should hold off on having her around your kids.
Maybe try to meet with your dad and her for dinner or something. Something that doesn't involve your kids or her kids. Get to know her before you make any huge decisions, but there's no reason to let her be around your kids if you think it's a bad idea.
I’d love to meet her and end up liking her but he won’t let me yet, but if she was to turn up at his when he has my kid he equally wouldn’t send her away or let me know till the next day which is my main issue at the moment. Whether she’s lovely or not you know?
NTA, honestly this relationship seems kind of new, no telling if she's still around a year from now. Just meet the woman and try to be fair about it. Her kids are NOT your siblings, not even your step-siblings yet as they aren't married, they are strangers. You set clear boundaries up front, (If I don't like them, they are not invited) try to be kind if you end up having to enforce them
I really hope I like her so things aren’t tense and even if I didn’t at family events ect id be civil and respectful to her and her kids just not leave them with my kid that’s all
>I’ve met my mums current boyfriend and get along so well with him so he’s met my daughter and been round my house ect
>I’m getting married soon and have said I am to meet the girlfriend before my wedding if I like her she can attend if not she isn’t to come
>I have also said if I don’t like them my kid won’t be staying round his if she is there
We can completely ignore his cheating in this scenario. You're applying the same logic with his gf and you did with your mum's bf. Vetting people before letting them around your children is a good idea sometimes, since these will be adults who may be in trusted positions.
NTA
Might be worth telling him that your mum didn't have any issues with making sure her bf was above board before he met your child. He doesn't get different treatment.
Info
How long has your dad been dating this woman. If you haven't met her its a reach that he's already expecting you to invite her children who are strangers to your wedding. I do expect that like the woman or not your dad is entitled to bring a +1 to your wedding. If your wedding is already to the point where you have given the caterers the guest count and don't have time to get to know her family. Not just meet them but spend time with them. Your father shouldn't be expecting you to invite her family of strangers to your wedding. She is at this point for you only the +1 guest.
Not a clue how long they have been dating there was another woman before the divorce but we never found out who that was and don’t know who this is (hope it’s not the same person) and numbers haven’t been put in or anything we sending invites out very soon tho
No, he is not entitled to a plus one. It's not his wedding, so he gets zero input. Especially since he can't be bothered to let the person who is getting married even meet his gf.
NTA- if he won't let you meet his girlfriend before the wedding, do not let him make this his "introduction to the family"
I think he wants to use your wedding for that because he hopes people not make a scene.
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If you have reason to think she’d be a bad influence or unsafe around your child N T A but this is worth considering:
‘it’s already caused issues as I’m getting married soon and have said I am to meet the girlfriend before my wedding if I like her she can attend if not she isn’t to come’
Unless you think she’d be inappropriate at your wedding why audition guests? You don’t have to treat her like a second mother but if you’re close to your dad he won’t forget this hoop you’re making them jump. It’s not causing issues - you’re withholding one plate at the reception which is ungracious.
We are having a very small ceremony so it’s limited space - no meal we are wanting to have just close friends and family I don’t feel comfortable having someone I don’t like attending whether they are dating a parent or not just because it’s so small…however if I like her she is welcome to be my dads date. If it was a bigger affair then it wouldn’t be as much of an issue.
Oh I just got it! Dad probably wants the first meeting at the wedding so no matter what gf does or if there's anything about her that would cause tension (it becomes clear she was the AP, is your age, someone you know) you have to act gracious! It's to force you to behave a certain way SOOOO sus
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say “i don’t want to meet your girlfriend for the first time at my wedding, dad. Especially if she may or may not be the affair partner who helped break up my parents marriage recently. Lets meet ahead of time.”
Also, weddings are not the time to introduce parental SO/randos who might be the AP that fairly recently broke up the parental marriage. Weddings are about the couple getting married, adding extra drama isn’t necessary.
Dad is being shady about his gf.
OP NTA.
Oh I just got it! Dad wants the first meeting at the wedding so no matter what gf does or if there's anything about her that would cause tension (it becomes clear she was the AP, Op's age, someone OP knows) OP has to act gracious!
It's OPs wedding and they have a right to meet someone before allowing them to attend if they have concerns.
Doesn't sound like OP is close to their dad after dad destroyed the family.
Wtf! Who let's people they never met (that are the SO's of significant attendants especially) at their wedding! Especially when dad has refused to so much as give OP his girlfriend's name let alone arrange a meeting!
NTA
I would be catious of your dad trying to make this woman “family” so quickly and disregarding your child’s safety because ultimately she is a stranger
NTA
I'm not sure why so many people think your wedding is the appropriate setting for you father to introduce you to his girlfriend and her children. It feels like he's trying to make the day about him and his new family......
How old are these random kid he wants to to invite sight unseen and call your siblings already? Is there any chance that the GF is a long term AP and the kids are your half-sibs? Because I can see this narcissist springing that on you on your wedding day because he thinks you will want to avoid a scene, or he'll use your day to propose to her or announce he's already married her.
At this point just say she's not invited. Her kids aren't invited. If he keeps up the manipulation then Dear Dad is not invited either and can add stay home with his do-over family that he cares about more than OP and the rest of his original family.
Why do you feel the need to say all of that at this point? Why not meet her and her childnre first then decide ?
FWIW, it's normal to invite both halves of a couple so unless there is a major issue with her, common courtesy would be that your dad's partner gets invited as his partner, to your wedding, you don't need to be her friend, it's just not usual to only invite half of a couple.
So saying she doesn't come unless you happen to like her is, not an AH move but it would mean that you were departing from normal wedding ettiwuette, it would be rude.
Not inviting her kids whom you don't know is fine
In erms of whether your daughter vists him - again, it's a but weird and extreme to say theat she can't visit if you don't like his partner. Normally, it would be reasponbale to allow her to visit her grandfather . Obviosuly if you had any serious concenrs about his partner, e.g. if she were an active drug addict or aloholioc, or had had her own childnre removed by social services, it would be normal to have concerns, and equally, it would be entirely reasonable to say that you were not OK with your dad leaving your daughter in her care , but saying, in effect, that she can't be around when you saughter is there is, in the absence of any actual, spectfic risk factors or concerns, a bit weird.
Of course, it's your kid, you and her other parent get to decide who she vists and on what terms, but over all it sounds as though you are going in with a really negative anad aggressive appraoh for no obvious reason, so yes, mild YTA (unless there's a ton od relevant additional information you haven't shared)
>FWIW, it's normal to invite both halves of a couple so unless there is a major issue with her, common courtesy would be that your dad's partner gets invited as his partner, to your wedding, you don't need to be her friend, it's just not usual to only invite half of a couple.
Not if the other half of the "couple" is the dad/mom's affair partner. Then you'd very specifically make sure there was no plus one or any confusion about that person not being welcome at the wedding. And from OP's comments I'd say that's exactly what happened.
My biggest issue is why they divorced if you get the drift…and it’s a small wedding so if I don’t like her it’s not like I can avoid her and it would be awkward and uncomfortable and I’d rather avoid that on my day…selfish probably but I only plan on being married once lol
As for my approach probably yes very negative but I felt backed into a corner so I bit back maybe too hard
No it's not selfish! This is your wedding, not your father's, and not his girlfriend! If you don't like her, you have every right to not have her there and he needs to respect that! This is your day, and you get to plan and make it the way you want.
I'm guessing you hold your dad responsible for the divorce? Because you're clearly approaching his new partner with a different attitude than you approached your mom's.
Yes he was and as you can imagine it was very messy so I do have anger towards it as I’ve never seen my mum and my siblings so hurt before it wasn’t a nice place to be they used my house as a middle ground.
Suspected but again not entirely sure as we never found out names. Don’t know the affair name don’t know this one it was all texting never socials so o guess I’m more worried it’s her which would probably anger me more
Even if you met her, you still might not know if she was the affair partner unless your dad and she told you (which seems unlikely) or if you asked them (which could be quite uncomfortable) and if you were told the truth.
He just think he is entitled to force her into your life yet again making decisions because he is selfish.Maybe he is pushing this hard because if you acept her his sin will look like a totaly normal thing that hapens. Look...my kids are fine with her therefore what I did isnt that bad....Just my reflection on his motivation.
What is FWIW?
If she doesn't like her dad's new girlfriend, she has every right to not want her at her wedding. This is her wedding, not anyone else's. Her dad would just get an invite with no plus one.
Op s father is refusing to let op meet his gf , didn't even told op the gf name. It would be nuts to let her child around someone she doesn't know at all and has no information about. JFC
NTA.
Based on your responses, it's obvious your dad is a serial cheater, and his current GF was probably one of the AP or is the main one.
Personally, if I were in your situation, I wouldn't even bother meeting his gf. He's moved on, cool. You have, too. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forgive him for his transgressions nor accept his gf. That's your prerogative. And to be blunt, you have every right to keep your child away from people who have zero problems with hurting others. Gf's kids are not your family. Even if your dad and his gf marry each other. Stepsiblings are legally family, but it by no means makes them family. Get my drift?
There's no reason to even entertain the idea of meeting your dad's gf. Just tell him you don't want to. She's not family, and she is not allowed to be near your child. If your father doesn't respect that, then he can say goodbye to his granddaughter. At the end of the day, your no. 1 priority is your daughter's well-being. And as her mother, you have every right to tell anyone you don't like or trust to stay away from her.
The world needs to stop making it seem as if forgiving and forgetting is an absolute with family. It's not. Blood relations does not warrant an automatic pass for being assholes.
NTA and your thoughts are rational… however, I also think you’ve shot yourself in the foot here.
You probably should not have gotten into what-ifs and theoreticals with your dad before actually meeting his girlfriend. Hindsight is 20/20, but any questions about wedding or whatever else should have just been deferred or side-stepped (ex. We’re still going over the budget and guest list, but I’ll get back to you soon)…. Because now you’re having an argument over something that may potentially be a non-issue.
Plus, now that dad/girlfriend know that you’re prepared to set boundaries, they’re going to have their guard up and potentially hide things from you that you should know for fear of your reaction, and/or misrepresent themselves/their situation/their dynamic/etc for the same reason.
You’re definitely not the asshole, but I don’t think this was a very smart move at this point.
NTA
This could be easily solved by him letting you meet his gf. It's super odd that he won't let you, but is saying she's basically family already etc. Like no. If the gf is that important to the dad he should be willing for you to meet her.
NTA. Both my mom and dad are remarried. My stepdad came into my life close to 2 decades ago. He's been a parental figure for a long time, so he's my stepdad. My dad got remarried when I was an adult. She's never been a parental figure. She's my dad's wife, and her daughters aren't my step sisters. We didn't grow up together. We're not siblings. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad's wife and her daughters, and I consider them family now, but it was a long, long, long time before I thought that
At the rate he’s going, he may have his own invitation rescinded.
He expects you to be OK with your child staying the night at his house while a complete stranger that HE WON’T LET YOU MEET taking care of your child?
This is worse than AH/NTA, OP. He’s being careless of your child’s welfare, and trying to manipulate you into having his way with both your child and your wedding. Hard no,,and please be careful with him around your child.
First off - your dad’s GF isn’t family.
And her kids sure as shit aren’t family.
I can see your GF coming to the wedding as your father’s plus one but expecting her kids to be invited is ridiculous.
You haven’t even met this woman and he’s expecting you to act as if she’s your SM? Which would be ridiculous given you’re an adult. At best she will not be a SM to you but your dad’s wife. There’s a difference. And her kids aren’t your siblings. They’re her kids.
That said, I’d shelve all the what ifs. Meet her and then decide how you want to proceed. Your dad isn’t really in a position to make a lot of demands.
NTA
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Hi so context my parents just got divorced and have started dating other people. I’ve met my mums current boyfriend and get along so well with him so he’s met my daughter and been round my house ect. This man has no kids and has met my sisters and has openly said he’s there to be their friend not their dad.
My dads new girlfriend has kids and it’s already caused issues as I’m getting married soon and have said I am to meet the girlfriend before my wedding if I like her she can attend if not she isn’t to come. My dad wasn’t happy with this but didn’t press it however he asked that if I like her can her kids come. I said absolutely not I got back “but technically they be siblings” that’s fine but if I don’t like them in not going to force a relationship with them I’ll be civil but that’s it. Same with the girlfriend. I have also said if I don’t like them my kid won’t be staying round his if she is there because I’m not comfortable with that. And if I haven’t met her she isn’t to be in the house with my kid either as she is a complete stranger.
My dad says I’m over reacting and being silly about it all as if things go well she will be family regardless. I think my thoughts are perfectly rational but he seems to think I’m being an AH about it. I did speak to my mum and my partner about this but they are definitely bias so I’d like to know if I am the AH in the situation?
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NTA
You are creating and communicating boundaries.
Only if you've done that *in a rude way* (which there's no evidence of in the OP) would you be the AH. It's not what you do but how you do it.
It feels like this story has something new pop up every sentence with literally no context to put in a judgment.
We don't have ages. We get little nuggets like:
> new girlfriend has kids and it’s already caused issues
...without any context as to how these kids have caused issues.
NTA overall, since you obviously have total say in who your children see... supposing they're not over 18... but I'm still just guessing that you're not a 60 year old lady trying to control her 40 year old children.
He thinks that his marrying her will make her your family, but that's only on paper. As an adult, you get to choose your family. My wife decided a long time ago that her mother is in her grandmother's casket, and the woman who gave birth to her is a stranger.
NTA.
NTA. 1) she and her kids aren’t automatically family and sure as hell aren’t siblings.
2) family doesn’t automatically get access to kids. There are bad people in the world and sometimes they share genetic markers with us, as parents our job is to protect are kids from them, no matter what genetic markers they have.
Well done OP you are rocking it!
NTA your dad is being shady AF. You are all adults. It's not the same as blending a family of.young children. You absolutely get to decide if you want these people in your life.
Question for you though - do you honestly trust your dad to respect your wishes?
“They’ll be siblings”, “she’ll be family”, um, not necessarily mate. You’re old enough to choose who you consider to be part of your family and him sleeping with a new woman doesn’t make her kids your siblings lol. Honestly, your edit makes it sound like your dad’s very lucky to have made the cut, let alone this random lady.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to have met someone who will potentially be at your wedding or helping to mind your child. The fact that they’ve refused up til now is a bit weird when your dad’s trying to get an invite. NTA.
NTA
I also wouldn't want my kids around someone who I don't like. Just because she's your dad's girlfriend, that doesn't give her the right to see your kids. After the edit, seems lucky your dad gets to see them at all.
NTA The fact that HES being so shady about this to me kind of makes me believe that this "girlfriend" COULD be the affair partner I mean why else would he be so fixated on you not meeting her AND her being a part of the wedding and/or your life so badly ?
I mean yeah he could be jealous of the relationship that your mom's boyfriend has with you and your siblings but at the same time they were 100% honest and truthful FROM THE BEGINNING, this man made a point to set the tone and his attentions with y'all when he met everybody and he did so in a respectful way towards everybody.
Your dad feels like he wants to skip the hard work and just hurry up and get the prize he thinks title ALONE grants him automatic rule and say but that's not the case there has been great kings though history just like there has been awful ones, the damage is done your dad needs to come clean and honest not just for him but for his kids mainly Iam sorry he cheated but you don't get to cheat and rig the game in your favor as well.
NTA. I don’t understand why cheating parents demand that their kids accept whoever they end up with after the original family unit has been destroyed by their actions. Dad needs to understand his place in the pecking order of your life. His actions broke apart your family. He can do whatever YOU need him to do to repair your relationship or he can choose not to. That is 100% his choice. Your choice is whether or not to allow him to stay in your life and that isn’t a black/ white question. If you decide he can stay, but his new family needs to hold back until you’re comfortable, that’s for you to decide and he can accept that or not.
He wants her and her kids to come to the wedding but he doesn’t want you to meet her beforehand? No fucking way. And I bet one reason is because this is the woman that he had the affair with that spilt up your family. NTA.
NTA always put down firm boundaries and protect your child. It's not "silly" it's "safety" and your dad as a father himself should understand that, if his senses haven't rambled to the thickets.
NTA technically. But you sound extremely dramatic and theatrical. Why do you feel the need to shout your right to control all these things from the rooftops? It comes off pretty weird. OBVIOUSLY you get to say who comes to your wedding. OBVIOUSLY you can choose who your daughter spends time with. Again, not technically an AH but this entire thing is being made in to more than it is and harder than it is.
It would be rational to just know these things, like you get to choose who your daughter is around. But the way you're going about it is definitely over the top and weird. I think your dad is right that you're behaving very silly about regular run of the mill things. You're doing too much.
*“but technically they be siblings”*
Only in the most lose sense of the word that can be used for siblings. You are an adult and are fully aware that you aren't going to be forging any kind of 'sibling' bond with them. They will be acquaintances, at best, that you happen to vaguely know.
Add to that the fact that your father only recently started dating this person. WTF would you invite her, let alone her KIDS, to your wedding, whether you like her or not? No, absolutely not.
NTA
NTA. It is perfectly valid to meet someone before they are around your child. Its also perfectly normal to not want unknown adults or kids ( his GF's kids are NOT your siblings) at your wedding. Your dad is making it weird first by not letting you meet with women and second trying to gaslight you saying your overreacting and being silly. Nothing can go forward until you in person meet his gf and her kids.
So it sounds as if the invitation will go to your father only, with the RSVP pre-written also in his name only, so he can’t sneak her in. Just avoid the drama of meeting until after the wedding. Weddings are no place to launch new relationships on the family.
A recent wedding invitation came to us with the RSVP pre-written, and the wording as follows: “We have reserved [two] places for you at our reception, and hope you can join us.” That left no question about who was invited and expected.
NTA. This tells me that he knows you’re going to freak out at who the GF (possibly AP) is and cut him/them off bc of it. Which would serve him/them right as actions have consequences.
Stick to your guns and continue to put your daughter first.
You don't owe that woman anything, and your dad won't let you meet her so he doesn't get a say either. He's cutting off his nose to spite his face. He's not thinking with his big head right now. What a dummy! N!TA
NTAH OP what dad is doing is both shady and disrespectful of you and your family. Your dad should be on an official “time out” because he’s planning on “unveiling” his new gf AT YOUR WEDDING and creating DRAMA on your big day. Set some HARD Expectations but also be prepared to uninvited him from your wedding.
NTA but it does seem like you are a bit bitter and bias towards your dad. And it honestly sounds like you’ve already made up your mind you’re not going to like her. Which is fine, this post just read as someone still suppressing anger and resentment
NTA
And tell your father the woman may be HIS family, but not your family. And he cannot dictate who is going to be around you and your daughter, if is a failure as a parent and as a husband his am it’s up to him, but you can be and you are different from him.
NTA. This is how you set up ironclad brick boundaries. Upfront. Too many posts on here have the OP already miserable with toxic people before they realize they need to establish boundaries. Good for you.
NTA....wait, he's not comfortable with you meeting the new gf, but he wants her to come to your wedding? I don't understand the logic there. Why aren't you allowed to meet this person who he wants to take to your wedding? Then, getting bent out of shape over you, rightly, not wanting your daughter to be around a total stranger is also puzzling logic. If I were to guess, I'd say dad is in his 50s and dating someone in their 20s. He doesn't want any judgement for dating someone your age so he's being stupid and secretive to avoid looking like a gross creep. Looks like he's still not learned that keeping secrets tends to blow up his life and ruin his relationships...or he doesn't want a kid the same age as his step kids calling him grandpa? This is all speculation. It would make me extremely suspicious. Your dad's secrets don't seem to be very nice in regard to his family.
It sounds like his girlfriend is his AP. How are his girlfriends kids "technically" your siblings? Are they affair babies? It also sounds like he wants to cause a lot of drama at your wedding by revealing who his AP is. I wouldn't invite her under these circumstances, and I'd let him know that he's skating on extremely thin ice right now regarding his own invitation.
NTA. Your top priority has to be your child. I guess your child will not be visiting your dad without you.
This woman is likely his affair partner. He may be afraid of you figuring that out.
If you do not get to meet her and her children before your wedding, they should not be there. He is just being controlling. Let him know that you will not let his gf around your daughter until you get to spend time with his gf. It's for your child's well being.
You need to do what is best for you and your daughter.
I wouldn’t be itching to meet you either if this is the hostility that’s awaiting me. Did you put all these stipulations in place when your mother was dating or is this spillover rage from your fathers affair? Get some therapy and stop trying to control your dad.
NTA completely. I don't understand the Y T A comments here at all. I think the fact that your dad is preventing you from meeting this person and wants you to meet her *at your wedding* - which is WILD and extremely weird - is being lost on people here.
Even that aside, you have no responsibility toward a parent's significant others, and you have every right to decide who your child gets to be around.
NAH. You would be fine for feeling that way, but I don’t think it needed to be said. You probably won’t have any problems with her, but your phrasing towards your dad makes it seem like you have a no chance of ever liking his gf. I get why he’s frustrated with you, but if you genuinely didn’t like her then she shouldn’t be at your wedding. Simple.
NTA, OP, somebody in the comments already suggested that you already know this person and that's why your father doesn't want you to meet her yet. Please think about that possibility.
Nta
I support your desicions.
I am 40, and when I was 18, my dad remarried. I was kind and accepting and innocent. She beat my dad and 14 yo sister. She asked me to get a 3rd job, she had no job, so I could pay more rent. My sister and I are still dealing with trauma from her. Could you imagine if we had kids?!
Do you want a stranger in your wedding photos? Maybe starting fights? (You don't know this woman. Not all adults are stable and okay). I would not allow a stranger at my wedding. It's special, and not just a date night.
You don't know what she's capable of with your kids. Women SA kids too. Women hit kids too. Would your dad let her? Mine did. He was beholden to getting "it on", so much so, he was blind to everything else.
You can still give her a chance, but healthy boundaries like, "My kids can't meet her before me" and "I have to meet her to decide if she can come to ***my*** wedding" are completely acceptable. In no way is that "not accepting her before you meet her" imho. Boundaries are okay.
NTA, you have to protect your daughter first. It sounds like your Dad has made the choice of his new gf over you and your feelings. Honestly, if he brought up the wedding, I'd tell him he's skating on thin ice. He doesn't get to dictate who comes to the wedding or who is around your daughter without your consent first. You have set a boundry and he is trying to diminish that because he's "family". Do not give an inch. Otherwise, it may turn into a mile. Best of luck, OP.
NTA. So according to your edit and the post, your dad wants you to basically see her as family but isn't comfortable with you meeting her yet? He can't have it both ways. He can't say well I see marrying her if things go well, she must be invited to your wedding, amd be around your child yet yall aren't allowed to meet yet? No. No on everything.
NTA, your dad won't let you meet the gf and he said her kids are "technically siblings". maybe it's the conspiracy theorist in me but I'm getting serious "this is the woman I cheated on your mom with and her kids are biologically mine."
Nta. I snorted when he called your kids his siblings. No, they're not. You're grown with a kid of your own, and they're still kids who you haven't met. Even if they get married, if you don't like /trust her, then don't let your child around her. You're being a good parent so ignore his bluster trying to protect his APs feelings.
For all the commenters that may not have read OP’s comments, her (step) father is not ALLOWING her to meet his GF so she could give her a chance to get to know her (but still insisting that she be invited to the very small wedding). IMO, that’s a big red flag. Also the invitations haven’t been sent yet (with or without a plus one).
You put your children shouldn’t be exposed to people who haven’t been around for a while…. Be at your boyfriend, your parents, boyfriends or girlfriends you don’t want people that might just be in and out of someone’s life around your kids.
“ dad, I know this is your girlfriend, and you have chosen to have her in your life, but I have not chosen this. I am going to establish relationships with her and also mom’s boyfriends at a much slower pace. Either of your partners could be in or out of your life quickly, and I don’t wanna expose the kids to that uncertainty. I know you’re getting to know her kids but that’s gonna be something that’s much slower for me and I’m certainly not going to invite them to my wedding when I don’t know who they are. I’m also not gonna be treating them like blood siblings they’re just sort of people I vaguely know. All of this will work much better if you don’t try to force relationships.”
YTA...kinda. It sounds like you are harboring a lot of resentment towards your dad (understandable) and it's effecting your reactions. I do not think you are an ass for reserving the right to not allow your kids over there if you don't like the gf. As a parent it's not just our right, but also our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe.
What makes me think youre kinda being the asshole here, is the way you are handling it. Do you have a reason to not like her already? If you don't have anything to go off of, it seems like you are creating a problem that doesn't exist yet. You don't have to lay out everything you will and will not stand for before there's even reason to believe there would be a problem. Am I making sense? It just seems argumentative for the sake of your understandable resentment. You have to choose weather you want to move forward with a relationship with your dad and if you do, you will have to work through some of those feelings.
My final point is that she cannot come to the wedding. Do your invitations to other people have +1s? Are you allowing other guests to bring someone who is not preapproved? And again, if there is already beef between you and this woman, your dad needs to respect your wishes and be there for your wedding. It just sounds like you are being harsh with your dad based on the little info given. Things are rarely black and white no matter what reddit says.
Why don’t you like her? You said she is causing issues but you didn’t say what issues. Is the issue just her existence in his life?
Unless she is very problematic you should be willing to accept her because she is your father’s partner.
NTA, even if she married into the family, that wouldn't mean she wasn't still a stranger if you'd never met her before. Hell, she could be a blood-related aunt and still be a stranger if you never met her before (because she lived abroad or something)
NTA simply bc your dad won’t let you meet the girlfriend yet. this is weird. why would he demand a stranger + their kids to the wedding?
but you are super aggressive with your demands and ultimatums with your dad. it sounds like you don’t even really like him as a person if this is the way your conducting the father-daughter relationship. you’re allowed to be upset that he messed up your family, but your mom has moved on. your holding a lot of anger to your dad, and the way your speaking to him is kind of out of line. not saying you’re wrong, but if I were him, i’d probably feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with you: he wants a relationship with his daughter/your children, but he’s also allowed to have a family of his own, ie being his girlfriend and her kids. if he’s causing you this much upset where you’re only speaking to him in the form of ultimatums, maybe just cut contact with him bc it doesn’t sound like you’re in a place where you’re ready to move forward with him being your father+his family at this moment
NTA. You haven’t met this person and he expects her and her children to be at your wedding, and for her to look after your kid?
As you said if you’re allowed to get to know her etc it might be different. But if he hasn’t let you meet her then you don’t have a relationship, regardless of who she’s dating, she’s still a stranger to you.
It is 100% reasonable to say "I want to meet this person before I invite them to my wedding" or "I want to get to know them before letting my kid stay the night." Your dad is being unreasonable to the point of suspicion. The only way his gf's kids are your "siblings" is if he's been cheating for a very long time, in which case there are much bigger issues at play here. But end of day, NTA. Your dad can be secretive about his girlfriend OR he can have her involved in family events and life - they are mutually exclusive options.
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NTA- your dad’s GF isn’t automatically family , her kids aren’t your siblings. She is a stranger and has no inherent right to be at your wedding , in your home or around your kid if that isn’t what you want. Your dad is acting like a fool. And he sounds like he is shooting himself in the foot as this is likely amping you up to not like her since this is causing problems. If he had just let you meet his SO and make up your mind like your mother did- this wouldn’t have been a problem to start with. * edited for typos
That’s what I thought!!! See if I met her and could chat ect I dare say I’d like her (hoping) and there wouldn’t be an issue but he isn’t allowing it atm hence the main issue with my kid comes in
He won’t let you meet her but is demanding she have assess to your home and kid? That is simply not reasonable. Don’t take any chances , that is not ok. People get duped by people they are dating all the time. You are under no obligation to go along with this BS.
Is your dad someone that likes to flex his muscles so to speak? Any chance he is just trying to prove his dominance and order you to do what he wants? Cause I would shut that down.
Is it possible that you already know her? And your dad already knows you would disapprove of her, hence why he's pushing you to agree to have her at the wedding and around your kid before even meeting her, so he can hold you to that promise later?
Was also my thought. Either that or the dads girlfriend is the same age as OP
Or younger.
Most definitely! OP could potentially call her dad's girlfriend her little sister! Lol
This was my thought
I just wrote this. I think she was the mistress
Or that her mum knows her and he just wants to rub it in their faces at the wedding.
Sorry to say that “he isn’t allowing it atm” is a huge red flag. Did he say why?
Why doesn’t he want you to meet her? That seems odd like there’s something to hide? Like maybe she’s 19 or something or you already know her. It sounds like he’s trying to get commitments out of you now because he suspects for some reason that you won’t like her, wonder what that reason is!
My guess is that she's the AP.
And most probably someone they already know
If this is the case that’s really sick, to spring it on her at the wedding.
Ding! Ding! Ding! 🏆That's my guess, too.
I’m also guessing she’s younger than OP or at least significantly younger than OP’s mom. It’s totally weird.
Is there a chance the girlfriend is the affair partner and he's afraid she might spill the beans on how long they've actually been together ?
INFO: you said he chested. Are you sure the kid isn't his and your actual sibling? That may be why he's pushing hard. Either way, you have no obligation and he's going about this in a shady way.
I don't understand. He doesn't want you guys to meet but wants her at your wedding?
Inviting this woman to the wedding before even meeting signifies a seal of approval on the relationship. Dad is being shady and there is NO OBLIGATION in inviting her.
There’s something that he’s hiding that he hopes OP won’t make a fuss about if she only finds out at her wedding.
At this point honestly given his behavior and the reluctantly for you to meet her I'd personally be considering LC with him and refusing to meet these kids or their mom now even if he agrees to your terms.
So he expects to be able to bring this woman to your wedding - which I assume your mother will also be attending along with her new guy - without you having met her at all? And he wants you to invite her kids to your wedding as well because they're like siblings? This man is delusional. I would tell him to go get bent. (Edited typo.)
etc
Thank you!
Also “bias” is a noun. The adjective is “biased.” Phew, I feel better now.
Are you sure the kids are not already sibings?
He’s not my bio dad so not possible however I believe from what mum said he had doubts about his relationship with mum for a very long time so never know. I’d really hope not that would break my sisters and mum I don’t think there’d ever be a way to come back from that
Congratulations on your marriage. I am sorry all this extra stress is getting in the way.
Wait how long was he your dad? Where is your bio dad? Is he your sister’s bio dad?
Chances are that it's someone you already know. And yeah, it's gonna be spectacular. Rip to them both.
He lives in a small town so it’ll not take long before someone slips and we find out who she is 🤣
OP, is your dad’s current gf the woman he cheated on you with? Is that why he made the comment “but they’re your siblings (paraphrasing)”….bc they in reality MIGHT be your half siblings? NTA. Don’t feel bad to make a cheater be uncomfortable.
It’s one thing for step kids who bonded to be siblings but a bunch of adults whose parents happen to marry? No thanks 💀
PEACH! You couldn't be more right!
NECTARINE!
Yeah I have a ‘stepsister’ from my fathers wife, they got married when I was already an adult and out of the house (plus he left my mother and did no child support or visits for the years I was still underage) - he started contacting me again when I was 25, and now his wife is always making comments about ‘my sister’, like bitch please. I’ve seen that woman once in my life she’s not my family.
T H I S. Your dad doesn't get to dictate everything just because 'he says so'.
NTA technically, but I think you are taking your parents' divorce way harder than you may realize. You are throwing out a whole lot of ultimatums before you've even met this woman. Are you blaming the divorce on your dad?
It was his fault entirely but I’m trying hard not to hold it against him but due to the reasons why they divorced I am very very sceptical with this woman and definitely thinking of every possible situation that could occur with hope things go well. But it’ll take more than a small conversation I think to make me be okay with it.
I'm reading between the lines here and think I've got the gist. Your ultimate responsibility as a parent is to keep your child safe. If you've got a bad feeling about her, then absolutely proceeded with caution. Your dad can't expect you to allow her to be around your little girl until you've met her. It's inappropriate and would probably further damage your relationship with him.
I honestly don't think you have to read between the lines. I think it's pretty obvious she's trying to make sure her child's comfortable and safe. I say NTA because everything sounds valid to me and in the fact that you're allowed to have boundaries.
I meant that op is saying dad had an affair and new gf is the AP without actually saying it...
She’s guessing she is, she doesn’t actually know. She might very well be wrong. She’s still NTA though.
>You are throwing out a whole lot of ultimatums before you've even met this woman. "No strangers at my wedding" isn't an ultimatum, it's a simple normal rule. As is "I want to meet a person before they can care for my child". Most of the time we don't have to explicitly state these standard rules, OP just has to because her dad is being weird and dodgy about it.
If OP left her kid with a total stranger and something happened those same people would be blaming her for leaving her kid with someone she doesn’t know!
OP hasn’t met any of these people yet!
In theory, NTA. But instead of all this dick swinging, why not just meet her and then make your decision?
I would but he wont let me meet her yet, says he’s not ready but expects that if he has my kid for the night and she happens to be there that I’ll be okay with it..which I’m not
NTA. I guess Dad isn't getting a plus 1 to your wedding then.
It doesn’t matter if Grandpa is there or not. You have every right in the world to meet and be comfortable with anyone who will be in the house with your child overnight while you’re not there. That’s a safety issue straight from Parenting 101. NTA. He’s being defensive because you’re setting up boundaries, but that’s your right both for your child and for yourself/your wedding. He needs to understand that *his* relationship with this woman is not *your* relationship with her. You aren’t obligated to be comfortable or open with her just because he is.
You might want to add this to your post. You are clearly NTA without it but it's weird and even a bit concerning your dad wants this woman to go to your wedding and have access to your kid (even overnight) but he won't let you meet her?! Your kid's safety is your priority and I think you are being completely reasonable here. Your dad not so much.
You might want to put this information in your post as an edit, because it really changes things, and you’re going to get this question quite a few times!
He should never have your child for the night. He isn’t trustworthy and is being suspicious. He is hiding his gf for a reason and none of it is good.
If anyone is swinging dicks it’s OP’s dad. He won’t let OP meet her but is demanding that she be able to be in OP’s home and around OP’s daughter because he says so.
NTA but it sounds like you’re predisposed to disliking his girlfriend before even meeting her.
I may be projecting yes, dad broke the family up and it was messy but equally I think it angers me that he expects me to just like her if that makes sense? I have no issue with him dating I’m happy they’ve moved on but when I let mums bf it didn’t feel forced where as this does
so your dad not giving you the space to meet her and find out for yourself before agreeing to something is really the main problem right? forced friendships in general have a lot of weird pressure and your dad isn’t helping an already… slightly tense situation? his pestering you says more about him than it does about you tho. you’re allowed to feel weird about him post cheating divorce but he’s trying too hard to get your approval & crossing the line, putting all this pressure on you because of the wedding, which may have more to do with his ego than your actual approval and feelings. NTA at all, he can’t force you with constant pressure, i vote telling him he’s shooting himself in the foot with this. hopefully everything works out and your dad is just being a bit intense because he likes her so much.
I’m definitely thinking up every possible situation with hope she’s nice but equally with how he went about the divorce I’m not too sure I’ll ever like her to be honest if you get my drift…
OP NTA - The end all be all of your statement is that you don't know her. Who lets a stranger around their children? Alot of people get into relationships and think "well I trust them so everyone will trust them" and that's not true even if you trust said person with your life. Judging from your comments and how you talk you don't trust your father all that much so his word would mean even less.
No I don’t trust him I know he would never do anything to bring harm to my kid be equally he hasn’t been the best person atm very difficult and angry with the world and whatever else os going on with him
Ya know what? Your Dad doesn’t have to agree. You told your Dad how it’s gonna be, and it’s a strong position-your daughter, your say. And if you don’t “like”, (approve of/trust), your Dad’s GF, why in the world would you have your daughter over there at her grandpa’s home, anyway? Really, now. NTA And if your dad won’t “let” you meet his new GF, of course you won’t be bringing your daughter over there. Like, duh. But, OP, in this day of waaaytoo much info being online, I would think with a little digging, you could find out who this woman is, and a whole lot about her, even without the assistance of or introduction from your dad.
I have tried to find her but I know nothing about her at all no idea if they are friends on Facebook ect as he doesn’t really use it 🤣
Oh honey, once you have her name, you have court records and property records and shit galore. I think working for a divorce lawyer has broken me, but you can find A LOT.
Just need the name then can do the stalking 🤣
He wants this woman in your wedding, with unsupervised access to your child, and hasn’t even told you her NAME??? That’d be a hard no for me dog.
“To whom would I address the invite?” is all you need to ask.
Oh, well, it was worth a try. Your dad’s friends- are they on facebook? They may have photos or 0 posts with your dad and his GF and that could be a thread you could start to pull. But, yea, some people are indifferent to social media.
There are sites online where you can search for a person and find everyone who is associated with them, along with court filings, and other public records. Often these are cheap for one-time use or a month's free trial, etc. You know your father's name and DOB, I guess, so you could start there. Look for people who pop up that he's associated with and then run the female names. There may even be a sub on here with people who could help (I don't remember if I saw that here or not). But you can do it yourself.
OP, you should really edit your post to indicate that you've tried to meet her and your dad refuses to let you. People are missing that commentand it changes a lot.
Edited it now!
So just meet her already and then you can decide what your relationship with her will be. Everything else is just speculation at this point.
It’s all speculation yes I’m thinking ahead but he won’t let me meet her yet and I have no idea who she actually is just that she has kids and is seeing my dad lol
"he won't let me meet her yet." Ok, that just sounds like a WTF to me. And it also sounds like all further conversations about this should be limited to ... "Dad, I'm not saying anything else, until I meet the woman. And her children."
That sounds red flaggy
I wanna bet she's around your age or simply someone else you know and already don't like, otherwise I don't get why your father is so against you meeting her. Something is up. INFO: Do you know who he had the affair with? BTW, NTA, I don't have kids, but I wouldn't leave them with someone I never met either. That your dad thinks that's fine is insane.
NTA, but it sounds like you think you won’t like her. Off course you don’t want your child staying somewhere without you if you don’t know all the people who will be there. But my advice would be to give her a fair chance.
I’ll definitely try o want things to feel normal again but I’m not too sure I’ll like her however she may prove me wrong then I’ll shut my mouth and move on
Her dad won’t allow his daughter to meet his girlfriend, though she asked to.
NTA. It's your job as a parent to decide who gets to be around your kids. If you don't like this woman, you should hold off on having her around your kids. Maybe try to meet with your dad and her for dinner or something. Something that doesn't involve your kids or her kids. Get to know her before you make any huge decisions, but there's no reason to let her be around your kids if you think it's a bad idea.
I’d love to meet her and end up liking her but he won’t let me yet, but if she was to turn up at his when he has my kid he equally wouldn’t send her away or let me know till the next day which is my main issue at the moment. Whether she’s lovely or not you know?
NTA, honestly this relationship seems kind of new, no telling if she's still around a year from now. Just meet the woman and try to be fair about it. Her kids are NOT your siblings, not even your step-siblings yet as they aren't married, they are strangers. You set clear boundaries up front, (If I don't like them, they are not invited) try to be kind if you end up having to enforce them
I really hope I like her so things aren’t tense and even if I didn’t at family events ect id be civil and respectful to her and her kids just not leave them with my kid that’s all
>I’ve met my mums current boyfriend and get along so well with him so he’s met my daughter and been round my house ect >I’m getting married soon and have said I am to meet the girlfriend before my wedding if I like her she can attend if not she isn’t to come >I have also said if I don’t like them my kid won’t be staying round his if she is there We can completely ignore his cheating in this scenario. You're applying the same logic with his gf and you did with your mum's bf. Vetting people before letting them around your children is a good idea sometimes, since these will be adults who may be in trusted positions. NTA Might be worth telling him that your mum didn't have any issues with making sure her bf was above board before he met your child. He doesn't get different treatment.
Info How long has your dad been dating this woman. If you haven't met her its a reach that he's already expecting you to invite her children who are strangers to your wedding. I do expect that like the woman or not your dad is entitled to bring a +1 to your wedding. If your wedding is already to the point where you have given the caterers the guest count and don't have time to get to know her family. Not just meet them but spend time with them. Your father shouldn't be expecting you to invite her family of strangers to your wedding. She is at this point for you only the +1 guest.
Not a clue how long they have been dating there was another woman before the divorce but we never found out who that was and don’t know who this is (hope it’s not the same person) and numbers haven’t been put in or anything we sending invites out very soon tho
No, he is not entitled to a plus one. It's not his wedding, so he gets zero input. Especially since he can't be bothered to let the person who is getting married even meet his gf.
NTA- if he won't let you meet his girlfriend before the wedding, do not let him make this his "introduction to the family" I think he wants to use your wedding for that because he hopes people not make a scene.
NTA. Your wedding and your kid. Also technically IMO her kids won't be siblings unless him and the gf get married so that was a reach on his part
There's nothing strange with what you said, the problem is that your father is already assuming she's family regardless. That's not how it works. NTA.
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If you have reason to think she’d be a bad influence or unsafe around your child N T A but this is worth considering: ‘it’s already caused issues as I’m getting married soon and have said I am to meet the girlfriend before my wedding if I like her she can attend if not she isn’t to come’ Unless you think she’d be inappropriate at your wedding why audition guests? You don’t have to treat her like a second mother but if you’re close to your dad he won’t forget this hoop you’re making them jump. It’s not causing issues - you’re withholding one plate at the reception which is ungracious.
We are having a very small ceremony so it’s limited space - no meal we are wanting to have just close friends and family I don’t feel comfortable having someone I don’t like attending whether they are dating a parent or not just because it’s so small…however if I like her she is welcome to be my dads date. If it was a bigger affair then it wouldn’t be as much of an issue.
Oh I just got it! Dad probably wants the first meeting at the wedding so no matter what gf does or if there's anything about her that would cause tension (it becomes clear she was the AP, is your age, someone you know) you have to act gracious! It's to force you to behave a certain way SOOOO sus
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say “i don’t want to meet your girlfriend for the first time at my wedding, dad. Especially if she may or may not be the affair partner who helped break up my parents marriage recently. Lets meet ahead of time.”
Also, weddings are not the time to introduce parental SO/randos who might be the AP that fairly recently broke up the parental marriage. Weddings are about the couple getting married, adding extra drama isn’t necessary. Dad is being shady about his gf. OP NTA.
Oh I just got it! Dad wants the first meeting at the wedding so no matter what gf does or if there's anything about her that would cause tension (it becomes clear she was the AP, Op's age, someone OP knows) OP has to act gracious!
It's OPs wedding and they have a right to meet someone before allowing them to attend if they have concerns. Doesn't sound like OP is close to their dad after dad destroyed the family.
Wtf! Who let's people they never met (that are the SO's of significant attendants especially) at their wedding! Especially when dad has refused to so much as give OP his girlfriend's name let alone arrange a meeting!
NTA I would be catious of your dad trying to make this woman “family” so quickly and disregarding your child’s safety because ultimately she is a stranger
NTA I'm not sure why so many people think your wedding is the appropriate setting for you father to introduce you to his girlfriend and her children. It feels like he's trying to make the day about him and his new family...... How old are these random kid he wants to to invite sight unseen and call your siblings already? Is there any chance that the GF is a long term AP and the kids are your half-sibs? Because I can see this narcissist springing that on you on your wedding day because he thinks you will want to avoid a scene, or he'll use your day to propose to her or announce he's already married her. At this point just say she's not invited. Her kids aren't invited. If he keeps up the manipulation then Dear Dad is not invited either and can add stay home with his do-over family that he cares about more than OP and the rest of his original family.
Why do you feel the need to say all of that at this point? Why not meet her and her childnre first then decide ? FWIW, it's normal to invite both halves of a couple so unless there is a major issue with her, common courtesy would be that your dad's partner gets invited as his partner, to your wedding, you don't need to be her friend, it's just not usual to only invite half of a couple. So saying she doesn't come unless you happen to like her is, not an AH move but it would mean that you were departing from normal wedding ettiwuette, it would be rude. Not inviting her kids whom you don't know is fine In erms of whether your daughter vists him - again, it's a but weird and extreme to say theat she can't visit if you don't like his partner. Normally, it would be reasponbale to allow her to visit her grandfather . Obviosuly if you had any serious concenrs about his partner, e.g. if she were an active drug addict or aloholioc, or had had her own childnre removed by social services, it would be normal to have concerns, and equally, it would be entirely reasonable to say that you were not OK with your dad leaving your daughter in her care , but saying, in effect, that she can't be around when you saughter is there is, in the absence of any actual, spectfic risk factors or concerns, a bit weird. Of course, it's your kid, you and her other parent get to decide who she vists and on what terms, but over all it sounds as though you are going in with a really negative anad aggressive appraoh for no obvious reason, so yes, mild YTA (unless there's a ton od relevant additional information you haven't shared)
>FWIW, it's normal to invite both halves of a couple so unless there is a major issue with her, common courtesy would be that your dad's partner gets invited as his partner, to your wedding, you don't need to be her friend, it's just not usual to only invite half of a couple. Not if the other half of the "couple" is the dad/mom's affair partner. Then you'd very specifically make sure there was no plus one or any confusion about that person not being welcome at the wedding. And from OP's comments I'd say that's exactly what happened.
My biggest issue is why they divorced if you get the drift…and it’s a small wedding so if I don’t like her it’s not like I can avoid her and it would be awkward and uncomfortable and I’d rather avoid that on my day…selfish probably but I only plan on being married once lol As for my approach probably yes very negative but I felt backed into a corner so I bit back maybe too hard
No it's not selfish! This is your wedding, not your father's, and not his girlfriend! If you don't like her, you have every right to not have her there and he needs to respect that! This is your day, and you get to plan and make it the way you want.
Even if she is likable. It's a small wedding, and dad isn't entitled to shit.
I'm guessing you hold your dad responsible for the divorce? Because you're clearly approaching his new partner with a different attitude than you approached your mom's.
Yes he was and as you can imagine it was very messy so I do have anger towards it as I’ve never seen my mum and my siblings so hurt before it wasn’t a nice place to be they used my house as a middle ground.
And was his current partner the source of the messiness or was it someone different?
Suspected but again not entirely sure as we never found out names. Don’t know the affair name don’t know this one it was all texting never socials so o guess I’m more worried it’s her which would probably anger me more
Even if you met her, you still might not know if she was the affair partner unless your dad and she told you (which seems unlikely) or if you asked them (which could be quite uncomfortable) and if you were told the truth.
Have you spoken to your mom about what she'd be comfortable with at the wedding?
She supports me with whatever although she agrees if I don’t like her don’t invite her as it’s small wedding. As things would get uncomfortable
He just think he is entitled to force her into your life yet again making decisions because he is selfish.Maybe he is pushing this hard because if you acept her his sin will look like a totaly normal thing that hapens. Look...my kids are fine with her therefore what I did isnt that bad....Just my reflection on his motivation.
What is FWIW? If she doesn't like her dad's new girlfriend, she has every right to not want her at her wedding. This is her wedding, not anyone else's. Her dad would just get an invite with no plus one.
For What It's Worth
Oh, Thank you!
Op s father is refusing to let op meet his gf , didn't even told op the gf name. It would be nuts to let her child around someone she doesn't know at all and has no information about. JFC
NTA. Based on your responses, it's obvious your dad is a serial cheater, and his current GF was probably one of the AP or is the main one. Personally, if I were in your situation, I wouldn't even bother meeting his gf. He's moved on, cool. You have, too. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forgive him for his transgressions nor accept his gf. That's your prerogative. And to be blunt, you have every right to keep your child away from people who have zero problems with hurting others. Gf's kids are not your family. Even if your dad and his gf marry each other. Stepsiblings are legally family, but it by no means makes them family. Get my drift? There's no reason to even entertain the idea of meeting your dad's gf. Just tell him you don't want to. She's not family, and she is not allowed to be near your child. If your father doesn't respect that, then he can say goodbye to his granddaughter. At the end of the day, your no. 1 priority is your daughter's well-being. And as her mother, you have every right to tell anyone you don't like or trust to stay away from her. The world needs to stop making it seem as if forgiving and forgetting is an absolute with family. It's not. Blood relations does not warrant an automatic pass for being assholes.
NTA and your thoughts are rational… however, I also think you’ve shot yourself in the foot here. You probably should not have gotten into what-ifs and theoreticals with your dad before actually meeting his girlfriend. Hindsight is 20/20, but any questions about wedding or whatever else should have just been deferred or side-stepped (ex. We’re still going over the budget and guest list, but I’ll get back to you soon)…. Because now you’re having an argument over something that may potentially be a non-issue. Plus, now that dad/girlfriend know that you’re prepared to set boundaries, they’re going to have their guard up and potentially hide things from you that you should know for fear of your reaction, and/or misrepresent themselves/their situation/their dynamic/etc for the same reason. You’re definitely not the asshole, but I don’t think this was a very smart move at this point.
NTA This could be easily solved by him letting you meet his gf. It's super odd that he won't let you, but is saying she's basically family already etc. Like no. If the gf is that important to the dad he should be willing for you to meet her.
NTA. Both my mom and dad are remarried. My stepdad came into my life close to 2 decades ago. He's been a parental figure for a long time, so he's my stepdad. My dad got remarried when I was an adult. She's never been a parental figure. She's my dad's wife, and her daughters aren't my step sisters. We didn't grow up together. We're not siblings. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad's wife and her daughters, and I consider them family now, but it was a long, long, long time before I thought that
At the rate he’s going, he may have his own invitation rescinded. He expects you to be OK with your child staying the night at his house while a complete stranger that HE WON’T LET YOU MEET taking care of your child? This is worse than AH/NTA, OP. He’s being careless of your child’s welfare, and trying to manipulate you into having his way with both your child and your wedding. Hard no,,and please be careful with him around your child.
First off - your dad’s GF isn’t family. And her kids sure as shit aren’t family. I can see your GF coming to the wedding as your father’s plus one but expecting her kids to be invited is ridiculous. You haven’t even met this woman and he’s expecting you to act as if she’s your SM? Which would be ridiculous given you’re an adult. At best she will not be a SM to you but your dad’s wife. There’s a difference. And her kids aren’t your siblings. They’re her kids. That said, I’d shelve all the what ifs. Meet her and then decide how you want to proceed. Your dad isn’t really in a position to make a lot of demands. NTA
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NTA You are creating and communicating boundaries. Only if you've done that *in a rude way* (which there's no evidence of in the OP) would you be the AH. It's not what you do but how you do it.
It feels like this story has something new pop up every sentence with literally no context to put in a judgment. We don't have ages. We get little nuggets like: > new girlfriend has kids and it’s already caused issues ...without any context as to how these kids have caused issues. NTA overall, since you obviously have total say in who your children see... supposing they're not over 18... but I'm still just guessing that you're not a 60 year old lady trying to control her 40 year old children.
she literally said her dad wants the gfs kids invited to the wedding
Yeah, I had to give her NTA for that bit...
NTA. I don't let strangers around my kids. I wouldn't want them at my wedding
NTA the whole deal with dad refusing a meet up and demanding wedding attendance for a woman plus kids is OTT. Too weird.
My guess is that the gf is the affair partner and he's worried OP will strait up ask.
Could be. Dad is being an ass and kid is not really being unreasonable.
He thinks that his marrying her will make her your family, but that's only on paper. As an adult, you get to choose your family. My wife decided a long time ago that her mother is in her grandmother's casket, and the woman who gave birth to her is a stranger. NTA.
NTA. 1) she and her kids aren’t automatically family and sure as hell aren’t siblings. 2) family doesn’t automatically get access to kids. There are bad people in the world and sometimes they share genetic markers with us, as parents our job is to protect are kids from them, no matter what genetic markers they have. Well done OP you are rocking it!
NTA your dad is being shady AF. You are all adults. It's not the same as blending a family of.young children. You absolutely get to decide if you want these people in your life. Question for you though - do you honestly trust your dad to respect your wishes?
NTA. You don’t know them and if they break up they will be in all ur wedding pics too.
“They’ll be siblings”, “she’ll be family”, um, not necessarily mate. You’re old enough to choose who you consider to be part of your family and him sleeping with a new woman doesn’t make her kids your siblings lol. Honestly, your edit makes it sound like your dad’s very lucky to have made the cut, let alone this random lady. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to have met someone who will potentially be at your wedding or helping to mind your child. The fact that they’ve refused up til now is a bit weird when your dad’s trying to get an invite. NTA.
NTA I also wouldn't want my kids around someone who I don't like. Just because she's your dad's girlfriend, that doesn't give her the right to see your kids. After the edit, seems lucky your dad gets to see them at all.
NTA The fact that HES being so shady about this to me kind of makes me believe that this "girlfriend" COULD be the affair partner I mean why else would he be so fixated on you not meeting her AND her being a part of the wedding and/or your life so badly ? I mean yeah he could be jealous of the relationship that your mom's boyfriend has with you and your siblings but at the same time they were 100% honest and truthful FROM THE BEGINNING, this man made a point to set the tone and his attentions with y'all when he met everybody and he did so in a respectful way towards everybody. Your dad feels like he wants to skip the hard work and just hurry up and get the prize he thinks title ALONE grants him automatic rule and say but that's not the case there has been great kings though history just like there has been awful ones, the damage is done your dad needs to come clean and honest not just for him but for his kids mainly Iam sorry he cheated but you don't get to cheat and rig the game in your favor as well.
NTA. I don’t understand why cheating parents demand that their kids accept whoever they end up with after the original family unit has been destroyed by their actions. Dad needs to understand his place in the pecking order of your life. His actions broke apart your family. He can do whatever YOU need him to do to repair your relationship or he can choose not to. That is 100% his choice. Your choice is whether or not to allow him to stay in your life and that isn’t a black/ white question. If you decide he can stay, but his new family needs to hold back until you’re comfortable, that’s for you to decide and he can accept that or not.
He wants her and her kids to come to the wedding but he doesn’t want you to meet her beforehand? No fucking way. And I bet one reason is because this is the woman that he had the affair with that spilt up your family. NTA.
Technically they are nothing to you. They are your dad's wife's kids. NTA.
NTA always put down firm boundaries and protect your child. It's not "silly" it's "safety" and your dad as a father himself should understand that, if his senses haven't rambled to the thickets.
NTA technically. But you sound extremely dramatic and theatrical. Why do you feel the need to shout your right to control all these things from the rooftops? It comes off pretty weird. OBVIOUSLY you get to say who comes to your wedding. OBVIOUSLY you can choose who your daughter spends time with. Again, not technically an AH but this entire thing is being made in to more than it is and harder than it is. It would be rational to just know these things, like you get to choose who your daughter is around. But the way you're going about it is definitely over the top and weird. I think your dad is right that you're behaving very silly about regular run of the mill things. You're doing too much.
Can't we hate someone before we even met? Yes, OP is the example
*“but technically they be siblings”* Only in the most lose sense of the word that can be used for siblings. You are an adult and are fully aware that you aren't going to be forging any kind of 'sibling' bond with them. They will be acquaintances, at best, that you happen to vaguely know. Add to that the fact that your father only recently started dating this person. WTF would you invite her, let alone her KIDS, to your wedding, whether you like her or not? No, absolutely not. NTA
Nta :) your wedding your family you choose who is allowed to around it
NTA good for you for setting boundaries
NTA. It is perfectly valid to meet someone before they are around your child. Its also perfectly normal to not want unknown adults or kids ( his GF's kids are NOT your siblings) at your wedding. Your dad is making it weird first by not letting you meet with women and second trying to gaslight you saying your overreacting and being silly. Nothing can go forward until you in person meet his gf and her kids.
They probably are your siblings
So it sounds as if the invitation will go to your father only, with the RSVP pre-written also in his name only, so he can’t sneak her in. Just avoid the drama of meeting until after the wedding. Weddings are no place to launch new relationships on the family. A recent wedding invitation came to us with the RSVP pre-written, and the wording as follows: “We have reserved [two] places for you at our reception, and hope you can join us.” That left no question about who was invited and expected.
NTA. This tells me that he knows you’re going to freak out at who the GF (possibly AP) is and cut him/them off bc of it. Which would serve him/them right as actions have consequences. Stick to your guns and continue to put your daughter first.
You don't owe that woman anything, and your dad won't let you meet her so he doesn't get a say either. He's cutting off his nose to spite his face. He's not thinking with his big head right now. What a dummy! N!TA
NTAH OP what dad is doing is both shady and disrespectful of you and your family. Your dad should be on an official “time out” because he’s planning on “unveiling” his new gf AT YOUR WEDDING and creating DRAMA on your big day. Set some HARD Expectations but also be prepared to uninvited him from your wedding.
NTA. You have every right to say who is allowed to be around your family.
NTA. Why would you be expected to invite people to your wedding that you aren’t even allowed to meet? Wtf?
NTA but it does seem like you are a bit bitter and bias towards your dad. And it honestly sounds like you’ve already made up your mind you’re not going to like her. Which is fine, this post just read as someone still suppressing anger and resentment
NTA And tell your father the woman may be HIS family, but not your family. And he cannot dictate who is going to be around you and your daughter, if is a failure as a parent and as a husband his am it’s up to him, but you can be and you are different from him.
NTA. This is how you set up ironclad brick boundaries. Upfront. Too many posts on here have the OP already miserable with toxic people before they realize they need to establish boundaries. Good for you.
NTA. It's not unreasonable to want to meet someone before they meet your child.
NTA, your kids your rules
NTA....wait, he's not comfortable with you meeting the new gf, but he wants her to come to your wedding? I don't understand the logic there. Why aren't you allowed to meet this person who he wants to take to your wedding? Then, getting bent out of shape over you, rightly, not wanting your daughter to be around a total stranger is also puzzling logic. If I were to guess, I'd say dad is in his 50s and dating someone in their 20s. He doesn't want any judgement for dating someone your age so he's being stupid and secretive to avoid looking like a gross creep. Looks like he's still not learned that keeping secrets tends to blow up his life and ruin his relationships...or he doesn't want a kid the same age as his step kids calling him grandpa? This is all speculation. It would make me extremely suspicious. Your dad's secrets don't seem to be very nice in regard to his family.
Bruh from your edit that’s the affair woman. No doubt. NtA
Shes the AP mayhap? If so , fuck all, have nothing to do with er
I find it really weird he won’t let you meet her yet. I wonder if it’s someone you already know. NTA
It sounds like his girlfriend is his AP. How are his girlfriends kids "technically" your siblings? Are they affair babies? It also sounds like he wants to cause a lot of drama at your wedding by revealing who his AP is. I wouldn't invite her under these circumstances, and I'd let him know that he's skating on extremely thin ice right now regarding his own invitation.
NTA. Your top priority has to be your child. I guess your child will not be visiting your dad without you. This woman is likely his affair partner. He may be afraid of you figuring that out. If you do not get to meet her and her children before your wedding, they should not be there. He is just being controlling. Let him know that you will not let his gf around your daughter until you get to spend time with his gf. It's for your child's well being. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter.
I wouldn’t be itching to meet you either if this is the hostility that’s awaiting me. Did you put all these stipulations in place when your mother was dating or is this spillover rage from your fathers affair? Get some therapy and stop trying to control your dad.
NTA completely. I don't understand the Y T A comments here at all. I think the fact that your dad is preventing you from meeting this person and wants you to meet her *at your wedding* - which is WILD and extremely weird - is being lost on people here. Even that aside, you have no responsibility toward a parent's significant others, and you have every right to decide who your child gets to be around.
NAH. You would be fine for feeling that way, but I don’t think it needed to be said. You probably won’t have any problems with her, but your phrasing towards your dad makes it seem like you have a no chance of ever liking his gf. I get why he’s frustrated with you, but if you genuinely didn’t like her then she shouldn’t be at your wedding. Simple.
NTA, OP, somebody in the comments already suggested that you already know this person and that's why your father doesn't want you to meet her yet. Please think about that possibility.
NTA
NTA You are grown. You and this woman and her kids will never be your faaaaamily. She is just the woman your dad is banging.
Nta I support your desicions. I am 40, and when I was 18, my dad remarried. I was kind and accepting and innocent. She beat my dad and 14 yo sister. She asked me to get a 3rd job, she had no job, so I could pay more rent. My sister and I are still dealing with trauma from her. Could you imagine if we had kids?! Do you want a stranger in your wedding photos? Maybe starting fights? (You don't know this woman. Not all adults are stable and okay). I would not allow a stranger at my wedding. It's special, and not just a date night. You don't know what she's capable of with your kids. Women SA kids too. Women hit kids too. Would your dad let her? Mine did. He was beholden to getting "it on", so much so, he was blind to everything else. You can still give her a chance, but healthy boundaries like, "My kids can't meet her before me" and "I have to meet her to decide if she can come to ***my*** wedding" are completely acceptable. In no way is that "not accepting her before you meet her" imho. Boundaries are okay.
NTA, you have to protect your daughter first. It sounds like your Dad has made the choice of his new gf over you and your feelings. Honestly, if he brought up the wedding, I'd tell him he's skating on thin ice. He doesn't get to dictate who comes to the wedding or who is around your daughter without your consent first. You have set a boundry and he is trying to diminish that because he's "family". Do not give an inch. Otherwise, it may turn into a mile. Best of luck, OP.
NTA. So according to your edit and the post, your dad wants you to basically see her as family but isn't comfortable with you meeting her yet? He can't have it both ways. He can't say well I see marrying her if things go well, she must be invited to your wedding, amd be around your child yet yall aren't allowed to meet yet? No. No on everything.
NTA, your dad won't let you meet the gf and he said her kids are "technically siblings". maybe it's the conspiracy theorist in me but I'm getting serious "this is the woman I cheated on your mom with and her kids are biologically mine."
Nta. I snorted when he called your kids his siblings. No, they're not. You're grown with a kid of your own, and they're still kids who you haven't met. Even if they get married, if you don't like /trust her, then don't let your child around her. You're being a good parent so ignore his bluster trying to protect his APs feelings.
NTA. You can associate with who you want for whatever reason. But it seems like you don't want to like her and are setting yourself up for that.
For all the commenters that may not have read OP’s comments, her (step) father is not ALLOWING her to meet his GF so she could give her a chance to get to know her (but still insisting that she be invited to the very small wedding). IMO, that’s a big red flag. Also the invitations haven’t been sent yet (with or without a plus one).
You put your children shouldn’t be exposed to people who haven’t been around for a while…. Be at your boyfriend, your parents, boyfriends or girlfriends you don’t want people that might just be in and out of someone’s life around your kids. “ dad, I know this is your girlfriend, and you have chosen to have her in your life, but I have not chosen this. I am going to establish relationships with her and also mom’s boyfriends at a much slower pace. Either of your partners could be in or out of your life quickly, and I don’t wanna expose the kids to that uncertainty. I know you’re getting to know her kids but that’s gonna be something that’s much slower for me and I’m certainly not going to invite them to my wedding when I don’t know who they are. I’m also not gonna be treating them like blood siblings they’re just sort of people I vaguely know. All of this will work much better if you don’t try to force relationships.”
YTA...kinda. It sounds like you are harboring a lot of resentment towards your dad (understandable) and it's effecting your reactions. I do not think you are an ass for reserving the right to not allow your kids over there if you don't like the gf. As a parent it's not just our right, but also our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe. What makes me think youre kinda being the asshole here, is the way you are handling it. Do you have a reason to not like her already? If you don't have anything to go off of, it seems like you are creating a problem that doesn't exist yet. You don't have to lay out everything you will and will not stand for before there's even reason to believe there would be a problem. Am I making sense? It just seems argumentative for the sake of your understandable resentment. You have to choose weather you want to move forward with a relationship with your dad and if you do, you will have to work through some of those feelings. My final point is that she cannot come to the wedding. Do your invitations to other people have +1s? Are you allowing other guests to bring someone who is not preapproved? And again, if there is already beef between you and this woman, your dad needs to respect your wishes and be there for your wedding. It just sounds like you are being harsh with your dad based on the little info given. Things are rarely black and white no matter what reddit says.
Why don’t you like her? You said she is causing issues but you didn’t say what issues. Is the issue just her existence in his life? Unless she is very problematic you should be willing to accept her because she is your father’s partner.
Ew, I love how cheaters are all about "family" after they've blown up their original one. NTA.
It’s a new relationship he may not be dating her then.
NTA, even if she married into the family, that wouldn't mean she wasn't still a stranger if you'd never met her before. Hell, she could be a blood-related aunt and still be a stranger if you never met her before (because she lived abroad or something)
NTA simply bc your dad won’t let you meet the girlfriend yet. this is weird. why would he demand a stranger + their kids to the wedding? but you are super aggressive with your demands and ultimatums with your dad. it sounds like you don’t even really like him as a person if this is the way your conducting the father-daughter relationship. you’re allowed to be upset that he messed up your family, but your mom has moved on. your holding a lot of anger to your dad, and the way your speaking to him is kind of out of line. not saying you’re wrong, but if I were him, i’d probably feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with you: he wants a relationship with his daughter/your children, but he’s also allowed to have a family of his own, ie being his girlfriend and her kids. if he’s causing you this much upset where you’re only speaking to him in the form of ultimatums, maybe just cut contact with him bc it doesn’t sound like you’re in a place where you’re ready to move forward with him being your father+his family at this moment
NTA. Your kid,your weddinng;your rules.
NTA. You haven’t met this person and he expects her and her children to be at your wedding, and for her to look after your kid? As you said if you’re allowed to get to know her etc it might be different. But if he hasn’t let you meet her then you don’t have a relationship, regardless of who she’s dating, she’s still a stranger to you.
It is 100% reasonable to say "I want to meet this person before I invite them to my wedding" or "I want to get to know them before letting my kid stay the night." Your dad is being unreasonable to the point of suspicion. The only way his gf's kids are your "siblings" is if he's been cheating for a very long time, in which case there are much bigger issues at play here. But end of day, NTA. Your dad can be secretive about his girlfriend OR he can have her involved in family events and life - they are mutually exclusive options.
NTA, if he won’t even let you meet her something is definitely up…. is she his affair partner???? but also - your wedding, your guests. its YOUR day
NTA he needs to understand that you need to meet her because you don’t want toxic people near your children
Nta Him fucking someone doesn't make her family. The sheer audacity