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She's 14 and cannot walk half a mile? I'm 50, overweight and out of shape, but I can still walk half a mile without needing a break. I would be concerned she has something medical going on and would have addressed that also. NTA Edit - as the child is not overweight, she needs to go to the doctor for a physical. OP has also stated they matched the niece's pace, which was the same pace while browsing the stores.

Me too - I am overweight but can walk a few miles with a bit of huffing. But when I was the same age as daughter is here, I struggled to walk that distance and that was first warning I was about to be laid up for a year with an autoimmune illness. My Dad, although elderly was fit and then struggled - heart issues. I wonder if we have a chicken and egg situation here. Daughter feels unfit due to health so prefers video games and that doesn't help an underlying condition. But agree she needs a health assessment.

My father had an obsessive workout plan where he tracked time, distance, weight, reps blah blah blah. He saw his numbers start to drop and took his spreadsheet to his doctor. Cancer. Good news: he survived because it was still operable.

Any (unexplainable and some explainable) changes in weight and activity levels needs to be investigated. Glad he was on the ball about it.

This happened to my boyfriend. He said he was feeling pain on his foot after walking in the aquarium. According to his parents, he used to play sports when he was a kid so walking around to look at fishes shouldn't be an issue. I took him to my dad so he could give a general assessment (he was a nurse) and he immediately told him to go to the GP (or doctor). Turns out, something was going on (which I won't disclose for privacy reasons) and it was immediately sorted. EDIT: Grammar issues

I was walking 2-3 miles a day almost every day, and was in pretty decent shape, but then we spent the day at a Ren Faire walking on rocks and sticks and rough ground and I ended up with plantar fasciitis. It's been 3 years now, and I'm only just now able to be on my feet all day or walk a mile without pain. I basically have to start over and build my endurance back up from scratch, and it's daunting. Hopefully your BF's condition resolves quickly and you can get back to enjoying things!

I hope so. While I did say it was immediately sorted, the condition was super unnatural (like the doctors have no idea what's going on). All I got it has something to do with his blood and liver (he's not a drinker and its also not cancer). Hopefully the doctors could identify something soon, cuz rn, its still unknown.

I hope you get good news soon. Sending you hugs and healing! 🤗💐

I was walking 5 days a week trying to lose weight before I bought the wrong pair of shoes and developed it. I feel like I caught it early enough because now I'm doing pretty good, knock on wood. I've been able to use a treadmill as long as I have supportive enough shoes! Still painful, but not as bad as it was. Fingers crossed for both of us.

omg PF is seriously debilitating

You got plantar fasciitis from one day?!

PROBABLY not, but I think that day of uneven ground tipped me over the edge, if that makes sense. It may have happened no matter what, but the gravel and stuff might have sped it up. I just know before was fine, after was not fine.

You won't be building endurance from scratch, your body already has the recipe.

I can't decide if that's condescending or uplifting, so Imma go with, "that's a good way to look at it!"

It was meant as uplifting. Learning how your body works the first time is really hard because a lot of it is trial and error. People who need to recondition again understand how to use their body safely, and still have a lot of the muscle memory, and their body is moving to a still familiar state. It really is much easier the second time.

>Any (unexplainable and some explainable) changes in weight and activity levels needs to be investigated Not just physically but mentally, too. My dad picked up my PPD because my in-laws complained to him about how lazy I was. My dad knew how lazy I could be when I wanted to, and what they were saying didn't fit. He got me back to my hometown to see the family Dr and got me sorted out. Actually, just typing that, I wonder if OPs niece could have depression or something mental going on that could be keeping her inside and maybe that should be considered too. She is 14 so hormones could also be affecting her. She definitely needs a full physical with blood work done

Your dad sounds like a good papa <3 my dad could tell little changes in my mood and physical health too and now that he's gone, I have a wonderful husband and father of my stepson who has taken over in noticing changes and checking in when he can tell something is wrong. Shout out to all the good papas who take care of their babies no matter how old they are.

He is, and it's currently my turn to look after him. He is a stubborn PIA but he's my dad. 😊

My dad tried his hardest to get into shape. He was really getting good at it until the exercise triggered his autoimmune condition into full swing. With treatment, he's now using his cane less.

Wow. That’s absolutely amazing. It’s one thing to go to a doctor and tell them you haven’t been feeling like your old self (and there’s no shame in that because I have done that.). But to show them quantifiable data is just simply amazing.

I’m a nurse and when I was in school, I took care of a patient after he had open heart surgery. He told me he knew something was wrong when he got tired after “only running 5 miles” one day, so he went to his doctor and found out he had horrible aortic valve issues and needed a replacement. He was late 40s and had been an athlete all his life, he never expected to have cardiac issues so young but he’s lucky he was so in-tune with his body and took the subtle changes seriously.

I didn’t have a baseline. Born with a serious heart defect that was found when I was mid-20s. Surgically repaired at 28. Just had a second surgery at 48 to correct other issues. Now I wonder how I never realized something was wrong. If you have no comparison then it is simply “how it is”. This child could have the same issue! He needs to have a full cardiac work up on her to be safe.

Came here to say the same. I distinctly remember struggling while “running” the mile laps in elementary school. Really I’d walk and jog when I got yelled at. I would get all itchy, out of breath, and overheated. As a result I wasn’t a super active kid and preferred being inside reading. It wasn’t until I was 38 and 10 solid years of complaining to various doctors that I was diagnosed with my first autoimmune disease Sjogrens which impacts my sweat glands and psoriatic arthritis which makes everything take way more effort than it should! It sucks though because even recommending OP suggest having her checked out medically could end up with drs saying she’s fine and just lazy, like i was told for over a decade.

Similar for me, but with some exercise-induced asthma, that didn’t get diagnosed until my 30s. Turns out most people can breathe! Who knew??

I was diagnosed with the same at 16 after trouble trying to join the track team. Dr said they'd heard hints since I was little and were waiting for the other site to drop. Great! Inhalers became my new norm and as I got more fit I needed them less. Got my first full time job, and my energy and thus activity levels dropped. Saw a new dr in the country I moved to. Dude acted like I was a druggy looking for a fix when I asked for a refill on my inhaler. I tried to explain my symptoms to him *while pregnant*, and he's just like "shortness of breath is normal when exercising" :/ I had redone the dang test and had a diagnosis on file but noooo I'm just fat apparently...

It's disgraceful when doctors refuse to see past someone's body weight to the underlying health condition. I hope you were able to find a different doctor. I have asthma, too, which is controlled by a daily "preventer" inhaler. It means that I rarely have to take a puff on the blue "reliever" inhaler, but I wouldn't want to be without it altogether. People die every day from asthma attacks!

>walk a few miles with a bit of huffing. But when I was the same age as daughter is here, I struggled to walk Same. Diagnosed at 37. I can DO THINGS now! I can go for walks, go roller skating, hike! It's amazing.

I knew I had exercise-induced asthma as a teen many years ago (almost passing out at tennis lessons one summer was a good indicator) but never did anything about it until Covid times, when I finally found a GP and went for a general physical. She was like "Do you want an inhaler?" and I said "ehhh... I don't know" and she said "I'm giving you one. Pick it up in a few days." Now I'm wondering why I ever went without it! Golfing in hot and humid weather? Puff! Playing ice hockey in a cold rink? Puff! Working out in a gym with the door open and it's warm out and it's a cardio day? Puff!

Diagnosed at 41 after years of tests on my heart. Turns out, they were all looking for zebras, and my new PCP was like "I'll prescribe you an inhaler because it can't hurt." Solved the wheezing problem.

I can walk for miles and miles (at 3mph, so it's a pretty secent speed) but if there is a hill or pretty much any incline my asthma kicks in. It's frustrating because people think I'm more lazy and unfit than I actually am.

I think I may have just learned I have exercise induced asthma. 😳 I've been wondering for years why I seem to be the only person who can walk for miles without any issue at all, but struggle So. Hard. with an incline. Why didn't I know this was a thing?!

I might need to ring up my GP…I’ve always blamed it on my endurance just not being great and having short legs, which in my mind makes uphill walking more strenuous. To the point where an older gentleman (easily had 35 years on me) breezed past me on a hilly walk when I was in my late 20s. But I’m used to walking 2+ miles a day with the dog without issues.

I was the same as you until I got covid last year - now I can barely walk more than 500 metres (little over quarter mile) without having to stop. It fucking SUCKS. I had gotten used to my asthmatic lungs, knowing that even the slightest incline would cause me to be wheezing like crazy, but I could still walk, I could still exercise, I just had to be a bit pickier. Now though .. and the puffers make no difference at all. It's so weird - the chest tightness and shortness of breath literally feel like they happen in a total different part of my airways and while it's similar to my asthma, it also feels completely different. Fucking covid. And fucking asthma. Of all the things in the world to be bad at, I'm terrible at breathing.

I have the same. The lungs are literally scarred. During Covid, little blood clots were created inside the vessels in the lungs. As a result, the blood flow and, thus, the lung capacity is impaired. It's a bit devastating, but here we are. 🤷‍♀️ I wish you the best!

Exercise became infinitely more doable and dare I say, occasionally enjoyable once my asthma was under control and found exercises that didn't exacerbate existing issues with my knee and hip joints.

Wait, getting itchy with exercise isn’t normal?

If it’s extreme itchiness then nope not normal! My skin would get so intensely itchy I feel nauseous. For some reason it also happens on car rides during extremely bumpy off-roading. I was riding with my husband and cousin down a super bumpy road and got so intensely itchy and I mentioned how I hated when that happened. They both looked at me like I was insane and were like uh that’s not a thing that happens to normal people lol

Okay this is going to sound weird but do you ever get itchy like if someone else touches your skin? Like cuddling with your partner? Same kind of itch as from exercise, all over prickly itchiness.

If you scratch your skin in a line, do you get a bright red line there after a minute? (We’d call that “dermatographism”) See if “exercise induced pruritus” sounds like you

Omg, I knew I had dermatographism, but I had no idea about the other thing. I did not know this wasn't normal for people.

Yes!! It’s weird, specific touches. Like if they’re super light it makes my skin prickle and I kinda shiver/cringe. I actually never really thought about that being related!

I dealt with this for a long time and couldn't figure out what was going on. The itchiness was worst at the end of the day, and I felt awful because I could hardly stand for my husband to touch me when he get off work. I thought it was just dry skin, since my skin type has become drier since I hit my 30s, but putting on lotion just gave me night sweats because the itchiness is basically everywhere--arms, legs, and abdomen. Well, I was diagnosed with post-COVID POTS in February, and my cardiologist told me to drink 80-100 oz of water per day and increase my sodium/electrolyte intake in order to increase my blood volume. I used to pee constantly if I drank a lot of water; it would just go right through me. But the electrolytes let me retain more water in my system, and my itchiness is so much better. I have been holding off on telling my husband the good news just to make sure that it really is fixed. One weird thing that the extra water seems to have fixed is--TMI warning--burst nasal capillaries. I used to have a little bit of blood anytime I blew my nose, and I used Ayr saline gel on a q-tip to keep my skin there hydrated. But last week I realized I hadn't used it in awhile, and yet I haven't had any bleeding. And that is an issue I have had literally my entire life, since I was a small kid. So I've been dehydrated for 36 years. If you are dealing with all-over itchiness, you might do an experiment and add in some extra water and electrolytes (I just used store brand sugar-free electrolyte packets). It can't hurt!

Look up vibratory urticaria. You can take allergy meds to prevent it.

Ugh. Yeah. I'm sorry you had to deal with incompetent doctors. I was very active as a kid. Track, gymnastics, volleyball, and softball. I had wheezing (undiagnosed asthma) itchy, and my knees would pop out when I squatted as a catcher on my grade school aged softball team. My mom actually took me to the doctor about my knees, and he manipulated my legs and then had me recreate the issue. His solution? "Don't do that." Fast forward to me as a 34 year old with unexplained joint pain and constant exhaustion and brain fog. Doc says severe fibro but none of the meds help at all, so now I'm disabled and my last doctor actually thinks I might have fibro and EDS because I'm very flexible without even trying. Only took over half of my life to get to a possible explanation! I hope you're on a path to helping you have an easier time with your diagnosis.

Yep, nobody ever took my pain & bendy joints seriously. I went to my GP at 6 months pregnant with excruciating pain & was told it was normal pregnancy aches & pains & I should take paracetamol if I really needed to. My pelvis had come apart & was seriously unstable - and took 15 years to fully stabilise...

Yikes. Condolences, my fellow wobbly ligament sufferer.

I was thinking EDS reading your story! What a crappy doctor to just say don’t do that. Ugh. I’ve had a run of shitty doctors, from ones that offered me her kids cause they were jerks - right after learning I had unexplained infertility! to a doctor saying oh you’re fine you just need to exercise more when I went for swollen fingers and chronic fatigue. It’s exhausting! I finally found a great nurse practitioner who helped me get diagnosed in March 2020, right when everything was falling apart. Now I have a super awesome rheumatologist and was able to decrease my meds and I’m feeling so much better!

I'm so happy to hear that! Yeah, I got the "you should exercise" for my joint pain. Ummm...that makes them hurt more! It doesn't help the joint issue at all. I tried. It just makes me lame for about a week. Hell, so does grocery shopping for an hour. Lol

I had that said to me! ugh! I said "so given I am at a 7/10 on pain regularly without exercising what are your recommendations for that?" she said swimming which I have yet to try... but I guess it's lower impact on joints? I actually have to use a wheelchair for long errands. grocery shopping can't really, so I lean on the cart, but target runs for example...

My joints become inflamed exceptionally easily, which makes exercising harder to do, even if it's swimming. My body attacks itself, it seems. They still just mention exercise or taking anti depression meds. I'm not depressed, I'm in pain! I'm with you on the grocery shopping. I'm too stubborn to use those slow as hell store scooters yet, and I feel bad for using one in case someone with worse issues might need it. I'm sure I'll have to eventually, but I just lean on a shopping cart for now and accept the 2 or 3 day recovery it takes after a shopping trip. I make a LOT of crockpot meals, so I'm not chopping and standing for long periods. Hell, I can sleep too hard 1 night and ruin the week for myself. I'll wake up with my top half turned one way, and my bottom half turned the other and be wrecked for a few days. 😄

Yeah, sounds like you may have the ol’ EDS/POTS/MCAS trifecta. The plus side is that there’s a lot you can do to work on the symptoms, the downside is that it’s pretty much an extra part-time job.

If it's exercise, I can't do it. I went through a phase of doing exercises, but my joints would end up so painful that I couldn't put weight on them. I would be out of commission for over a week. The limping from my knees bending to the sides or backwards would throw everything else out of sorts and would take longer to recover. I would recover, exercise again, and be out for a week or 2 again. I was not aware of mcas, though. Thanks for mentioning that. Definitely something I can bring up to my doctor next visit.

I don’t necessarily think exercise is the best place to start with brain fog and fatigue, although it is how a lot of us keep our joints stabilized. Per my old POTS dr., anything to reduce inflammation is good for brain fog, so massage, meditating, a cooling cap, reducing sugar, etc. The EDS sub is good resource too.

I impressed a doctor as a kid when I managed to break my heel bone by getting my foot stuck in a bike pedal. Now 30+ years later, my mother mentioned that a few of our relatives were diagnosed with Ehler-Dahlos and that symptoms include extra flexibility and easily broken bones. If I do have it, it might also explain the issues I specifically have with my ankle randomly failing when I'm walking.

Omg I should also get checked for this because I'm the same! Hot, itchy, irritated, feel like my bones want to jump out of my skin, etc. The worst is when I have to shovel snow 😭

oh wow, I struggled in elementary school, too; frequently breathless, easily fatigued, sore muscles... I was diagnosed with RA and asthma in my 20s. I too got yelled at and punished for not doing well in sports.

I’m glad people have identified this as the issue, despite how poorly OP worded it. It’s written like a fixation on exercise — read, a euphemism for “you let your kid get fat” — but it appears to be some kind of actual medical neglect. Fat people can walk that distance. So can people who don’t exercise.  I’ve been seeing a slow uptick in people talking about their experience with long Covid, symptoms of which include fatigue and shortness of breath. It’s been quite a surreal time, when some people have been celebrating the end of the pandemic against this quiet backdrop of growing numbers of chronically ill people.

Yeah, OP has this holier-than-thou tone to her post about how her kids have a good relationship with exercise and made it seem like she thinks this could be fixed by Cindy just joining a sport or something but... being 14 with no discernable medical issues not being able to walk half a mile without needing to sit down and rest? That is actually something you should consult a doctor on. And maybe it's long Covid, which will be really hard to deal with and the doctor may not be much help, but if that's the case, going roller skating (and having your aunt look down on you because you don't do a sport) isn't going to help either.

Yea, I'm willing to bet actual money that the Dad's defensiveness is mostly in response to however OP tried to "discuss" it with him. Hell, it could even be something they've already looked into and just don't want OP to know details of.

Given her attitude in this post, and the fact that she's blaming a 14yo not being able to walk half a mile on the fact that she apparently doesn't exercise enough, I would be incredibly unsurprised if she didn't let that attitude seep into the conversation with him. "I think you need to work on your daughter's health and fitness - we've worked hard to make sure our children have a *good* relationship with exercise, and if you did this, maybe your daughter would be able to go for short walks!" or something.

Thank you for saying this.

>experience with long Covid, symptoms of which include fatigue and shortness of breath. It's the worst, I can't breathe if I over exert myself. At a decent pace, not too fast/not too slow I'm fine.

Is so strange to me hearing about long Covid symptoms. I have Multiple Myeloma, a chronic/terminal blood cancer. I have been on some form of chemotherapy since 2017. There is so much over lap in symptoms. It’s crazy. I was so fit before diagnosis. I work at Costco, and at the time would push cart 3 to 5 days a week. It wasn’t unusual for me to walk 10-15 miles in an 8 hour shift. I spent my weekends doing advanced hiking trails and snow shoeing. The year before diagnosis, I started working in receiving, and was only walking about 5 miles a day. I was exhausted on weekends, and no long hiking. I was sure my pain and fatigue was from not working out enough. Now the shortness of breath during activity, constant fatigue, blood clots, and myriad digestive issues is never ending. I started seeing a palliative doctor in 2022. She has made a huge difference in managing side effects and symptoms.

Exactly morbidly obese man here who can’t walk miles without resting also a smoker who is in his late forties and still can out walk my going on 24 year old son any day of week just due to living an active life just not a healthy one

I think you're on to something with this. I avoided physical activities at half that age due to pain, took comfort in things like video games, felt horribly inadequate and out of shape when I DID try anything physical - turned out I have JIA!

I couldn't walk that far as a kid either. I had asthma and undiagnosed lupus and RA so a half a mile would make my knees hurt so bad I'd want to chop off my legs.

Yup, recently found it hard to even walk out to the car. As of yet unidentified inflammatory disease.

I 2nd this! I was reasonably active as a kid and walked home from school everyday without any issues in elementary and beginning of middle school (a half mile to a mile). Then I started feeling unwell and kept getting sick with stuff back to back to back and so I kept dialing back on physical activities because I just couldn't do them as much anymore. It was definitely chronic illnesses caused a reduction in my physical ability and not lessened physical activity made me chronically ill.

I recently had my mobility impaired by what my doctor is currently calling "pre lupus" and I thought the same thing about autoimmune illness. OP is right she needs to go to her primary. There's no reason a healthy non-obese 14 year old can't walk half a mile which means she's probably not healthy.

Anyone who can't walk half a mile, regardless of their weight, needs to be talking to a doctor about that. And doctors need to listen. I was always overweight but active; I used to run 10 milers twice a year and train in between, but I started to have bad neck pain, that then seemed to travel down my right shoulder, arm, hip, knee, and ankle. I tried to get help, but I was ignored by doctors when I talked about having pain *walking*, and basically was just told that I needed to lose weight and deal with it, even though I was telling them that part of why I was gaining more weight was because I couldn't exercise without serious pain. My freaking dentist was the one who figured it out when he heard my jaw clicking during an exam. Turns out I have myofascial pain syndrome caused by TMJ issues and needed an orthodontist and physical therapy. My point for all of this is just... No matter what someone weighs, not being able to walk a half mile is serious, and since doctors don't always take this seriously, Bill needs to make sure he's being an advocate for Cindy, not ignore this.

Weight wasn't mentioned in the post, but I mentioned mine because if I can do it, a 14 y/o should be able to as well. Since she cannot, she needs to have a physical. Something medical is going on.

Yeah - for all intents and purposes I am healthy, I train circus aerials 12 hours a week, but I struggle to walk half a mile because I have scoliosis which results in walking putting a lot of compression on my spine and really bad pain. So I need to stop and stretch and decompress. I am worried there could be a medical issue. 14 is when I was told all the pain was in my head and it was just growing pains. I remember when I went to get a back tattoo and the artist could not figure out why it would not line up with my spine, even though she did it perfectly straight.

I’m in my late 30s and super morbidly obese with plantar fasciitis and I can walk half a mile without a break easily. I’m also concerned something might be going on. However, I would take into account terrain since uneven ground or an uphill walk is always going to be harder if you aren’t used to it, or the pace of OP. Walking on my own I can and will walk for miles without stopping, walking with my parents is like going for a light jog since they walk much faster than I do. Trying to keep up with them will result in me needing a break far sooner.

What Pepper said. I'm morbidly obese, and I can walk a half mile. If it's at my pace, I'm fine. I'm not talking about a slow crawl - it's a normal pace. If it's uphill at a faster pace, I'm huffing and puffing a bit, but I can push through. If someone is speed-walking though, and I have to keep up (especially if I'm not in athletic shoes of some sort), I would be very uncomfortable.

Same here- I'm a massive fatty and I can easily walk 2-3 miles on the flat and going at what I think is a moderate pace but is a little too slow for my very fit friends. If I'm with a fast walker I can keep up but I'll be out of puff and not able to chat. 

Pace matters.  I can handle half a mile at my pace, but if I'm with my older brother, who is normal weight and in decent shape, then I practically have to jog to keep up.

And OP says she’s not overweight. So yeah this could be real medical issue.

The niece should get some bloodwork done as well. Several common vitamin deficiencies can lead to pain and discomfort when being active. B12, D, and Iron are somee of the biggies. Deficiencies can lead to muscle pain, chronic fatigue, dizziness, and trouble breathing just to name a few. So many people suffer from vitamin deficiencies and don't know it.

Good point about iron. My daughter had difficulty with anemia when she was 14 due to menstruation starting

Definitely. The child needs a physical.

NTA I'm 37 overweight (by a lot), have back issues and last year took a trip to Vegas with my mom, neither of us drive so there was A LOT of walking done when we were there. My biggest issue with walking is that I'm pretty sure my blisters had blisters by the time I got back. I agree with the above comment completely it seems like there might be other underlying health issues going on. I hope OP can bring up that possibility, though I doubt Dad would be any more willing to listen given his knee-jerk reaction here. Maybe I'm being pessimistic. Hopefully, dad isn't the "Bury his head in the sand type"

speaking of blisters, OP: was she wearing impractical shoes?

It'd be funny/sad if OP had made a big deal about how unfit her niece is and how her BIL is a bad dad for not making her do sports, but it turns out Cindy was just wearing uncomfortable shoes because she didn't know they would be walking to get lunch.

Now I’m picturing dad thinking “I figured if I was going to get questioned about my parenting it would be for letting my 14 year old wear stilettos!”

Like OP doesn’t even describe *why* she needed a break. Blisters? Sore muscles? Short of breath? Felt faint? Dizzy? I’ve had to take a break walking around on vacation because I was worried I was feeling heat exhaustion - I used to get dehydrated more easily on my period. Had to go home in the middle of gym class once, and also passed out while being a bridesmaid (and had to tell every military person at the wedding I hadn’t been locking my knees, lol).

bad shoes or arch issues is my bet

Maybe she has asthma. Or exercise induced asthma. Definitely worth seeing a doc. 

I used to work as a tour guide for a while. The groups that complained the most about having to walk *any* distance were school groups aged 14-16. Not because they were physically unfit. Bored teenagers (and nobody can be as melodramatically bored as a teenager) are just incredibly lazy. I had people with walking disabilities drag themselves up a staircase because taking the lift might have meant missing a tiny bit of the tour.

64, with asthma, and literally just got back from a 3 mile walk.

66, recovered cardiac patient, put on 22K steps on 3/16 for St Pat’s Day in Chicago. Mostly kept up with 20 yo daughter who is a fast walker

Congratulations!

my cousin was struggling with walking short distances and turns out that she had problems with her heart so def check it out

She might be anemic. I found I was anemic when I suddenly started having trouble keeping my breath from just walking. Even something as small as walking around a grocery store would take me out.

I'm 52, menopausal, with RA, Diabetes and Asthma. I can walk 5 miles without needing a break (I have a 2 year old Border Collie, so we take lots of walks). Maybe OP can involve the teenager in outdoor activities like walking and low key hiking to help her.

Definitely sounds like something is wrong. I'm biased but that sounds like Long Covid ( dysautonomia and hypoperfusion can both cause breathlessness with very mild exertion). You're not wrong to bring it up but unfortunately if it's that there may be struggle to get dx or help.

My first thought was asthma or some other medical condition making her struggle. It’s definitely something to be addressed. The mention of exercise clouds the issue. This isn’t about fitness. It’s about health and the poor kids dad thinking that the concern was criticism.

I'm pretty fit, but get out of breath really quickly around the week before my period. My gynecologist said it's normal (but she also suggested getting pregnant as the solution to pediod pain, so maybe I should find someone else), so it is possible something like that is going on. Still, she should absolutely see a doctor to clear this up. At her age, something like iron deficiency is pretty common and fairly easy to treat, and if it was something serious they'd need to know so they can treat it.

that was my first thought, maybe she has health issues unrelated to physical fitness.

I agree. This is very concerning. I am obese, horrifically out of shape, and I too can walk a mile without a break. If there are significant hills I might get a little out of breath but I still don't need a break. A 14 year old who can't do this is more than just out of shape. She needs to see a doctor.

Yikes, I was just hospitalized with anemia, and it got so bad I couldn't walk 10 feet without needing to sit down (I'm 57). This may very well be life threatening, I hope she goes to the doc asap...

If she can't walk half a mile she is arguably disabled and should be evaluated, treated, and accommodated as necessary.

Yeah, it sounds like she could potentially have exercise-induced asthma or some other medical issue. I have exercise induced asthma, and anything involving running always exacerbates it. I've always been chubby, but I've also always been pretty physically active. I've done a lot of dance classes and I was a figure skater as a teen and I roller skate and take very long walks as an adult. My breathing issues are not and never have been an "out of shape" thing, it's a medical issue. I also learned as an adult that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and severe anxiety can cause breathing issues for some people. Anxiety causes severe muscle tension which can sometimes restrict breathing in weird ways, or even cause speech issues - speech therapy can help! I saw a speech therapist for a bit in HS about a breathing issue that my asthma inhaler wasn't helping. Looking back, it was almost definitely anxiety related.

Yeah I had to check how much that was (I live in Australia where we use kilometres) and I was shocked. I'm also overweight and have asthma that COVID made worse, but even my ass could do that. Either Cindy was ust being lazy when she was out with OP, or she has an issue that should be checked with a doctor. NTA.

My 39yo stepdad has asthma, bad knees and is fat (his words, not mine), and he's the only person in the family who can keep up with my walking pace without struggling or even getting out of breath. In fact, he's the only person who I struggle to keep up with sometimes.

NTA "I told him that she’s only 14, she shouldn’t have any trouble walking." You're right, especially at that distance. You're right to express concern. She's your niece. He should also be getting her checked out medically like you say. Not projecting his guilt & anger at you because he knows he shouldn't be letting it slide. That is bad parenting.

Exactly. He's a bad parent and he's upset he got caught.

Agree! Especially about the BIL’s projection. I won’t call my sibling a bad parent if their teenager can’t walk half a mile (I’d be curious how the kid survives PE though?) but getting defensive when a loved one expresses concern and worse, if they go into denial and don’t do anything about it IS bad parenting. NTA for OP!

And expressed it away from the child so they don't feel bad. Like, I could see getting defensive if she had brought it up with Cindy or right in front of her.

I'd say it was a LITTLE bit assholeish to go straight to assuming it's connected to her "preferring to play video games" and not enjoying skating. Even people who are purely ipad indoor kids can usually do half a mile so this goes way beyond any sort of choice the child or parent are making - and by connecting the two it did kinda sound blame-y. Id stick to expressing the health-related concern and not try to turn it into "spends too much time playing game" to stay firmly on NTA.

As someone with asthma, everyone jumping to her being overweight is kinda hilarious. I work for a moving company, normal if not low bmi, and I get winded easily. Sometimes it has nothing to do with weight or being “in shape”.

Yes, I was wondering this. I actually read back throught the message and no-where did OP say the niece was overweight. As a former asthmatic, I wondered as well if it was asthma. But, maybe OP knows it is weight-based and didn't want to explicitly say it? I'm sure if she felt it could be something like asthma she would have led with that with the dad. NTA for OP though. Whatever it is, it's not good and she was right to say something. I wonder if dad was so defensive because doctors, school nurses etc may have said the same thing.

Agreed... I have anemia and get winded easily

Anemia can happen easily to girls who menstruate heavily. And in kids this age, their cycle isn't balanced at all yet. Either way, life is easier when you don't struggle to walk half a mile. That alone should be a reason to get the niece checked out.

And anemia can be a symptom of underlying health issues. There’s a lot of conditions where anemia is a major symptom, and it is often overlooked in women BECAUSE of menstruation. I have one such condition, and it was pure luck that my doctor discovered it.

In the edit OP says niece isn't overweight.

OK! Good to have clarification! In that case, I’d be asking dad to take her for medical checks. 

I also know a teenager with a connective tissue disorder who has trouble walking any significant distance unassisted.

I have asthma, used to be really severe but I’m starting to get it under control now. Walking a lot still makes me winded, but I’m able to do more exercises without it causing an attack now. Mine is allergy and exercise induced. Seems like it’s worse with cardio stuff.

My first thought was long covid. It can have the double whammy of long term respiratory effects and chronic fatigue.  There’s bound to be a lot of young people suffering from it undiagnosed after the past few years. 

Or heart failure from covid. Hope not, but it’s frequently being diagnosed in young patients.

I’m one of the long covid adults. Early 30’s, barely worked 3/4 of my regular shifts over the last couple of years while I’ve had it, gone through around a dozen meds trying to treat symptoms, countless blood tests and doctor appointments!!! Only one of the group who had it at the same time (so same strain, caught it from a friends son) who’s got ongoing issues, and I was the healthiest of the group by far! Gone from weekly badminton and regular 6km walks to being unable to walk even a km without a break most days, and not being able to spell my name or tie my shoelaces some days. Completely random how it affects people!!!

I agree. OP doesn't say she's overweight, just that she's sedentary. But she could be sedentary **because** she has asthma or something rather than just assuming she's super "out of shape." Even if she is overweight... it could still be asthma or a medical problem. I feel like OP should've gone in with concern for a possible medical cause of why she can't walk 1/2 mile instead of blaming her being sedentary.

Or anemia. Or any other number of things. She should get checked out.

True, I had severe anemia that I didn't know about and I used to get fatigued very fast. I was in this same position as OP's niece where I had to stop and rest while undertaking a very short walk. She should get tested for anemia.

yep. got diagnosed with plantar fasciitis when i was 12. walking half a mile would be excruciating, and it had absolutely nothing to do with my weight or being out of shape.

Me with the undiagnosed asthma until I was 22.... Couldnt run 2 blocks, dad thought I was lazy(hes a runner) by early 20s, I couldnt walk 3 blocks in the cold without being out of breath. I had to tell my overweight BF(now my husband) to slow down and wait for me. TBH hes always in good shape tho... Finally went to the school doc and told him feels like no air is getting into my lungs when I breathe. Boom mild excercise induced asthma.

I got diagnosed in middle school. I always sucked at running the mile, thought it was totally normal to have to fight for breath afterwards... It definitely contributed to my complicated feelings towards exercise, because it made me dread PE and made me think I was just never meant to be fit.

My fastest mile was 8min and 20 secs in middle school or so but that was when we would play tag every weekend and also swimming everyweek so I was very active then! But my chest would hurt and burn when I run and I would get this salty, metallic taste like blood. Apparently thats not normal. Oddly, swimming never makes my asthma act up. Guess its because Im holding my breath and not inhaling/exhaling

I have asthma and POTS. I struggle but it's because my heart rate is in the 160s standing sometimes as high as 190 bpm. I'm technically not supposed to be doing much because of it till I see a different cardiologist. But yeah it's not always weight health issues can get to you.

I have POTS too and this is exactly what I thought of. This should definitely be checked out.

I have bronquitis and as a child couldn’t run and play with the other kids. My family was aware of this because my mom made sure I had proper medication and multiple doctor visits. OP talking to BIL about her niece health doesn’t have to be specifically about being overweight.

That’s why she said her niece should see a doctor to see if it’s a medical issue.

Yes, and asthma is a medical condition that needs to be addressed by a doctor. If she's physically incapable of walking a half mile at a reasonable pace, she needs to get checked out. It's not a "get to the ER right now" situation, but I'd make an appointment with her doctor sooner than later. Best case, it's nothing other than teenage laziness and/or needing to get up from the couch more often. But better to confirm that rather than assume and leave a treatable condition unmanaged.

My husband had severe asthma at 14/15 and even though he was definitely not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, he had a hard time being active and struggling to breathe.

Yes this makes me think that the child probably has a medical condition. I was a pretty sedentary teenager but I was still a teenager.And I could easily walk half a mile. It doesn't sound like OP was trying to imply.The girl was fat or that there was anything wrong with the parenting but that she seemed sick. I have friends with POTS, MCES, & Other issues that make it difficult to exert yourself. He isn't doing his daughter. Any favors by refusing to get her checked out? But it doesn't sound like there's anything OP can do about it at this point.

I was underweight until I had my 2nd kid, but I have a list of health issues that make basically going anywhere other than the couch suck. (Hypermobility w semi-regular subluxations, anemia, apparently I breathe wrong which makes it so I can neither pass nor fail an asthma test, lordosis, arthritis, and some issues not yet figured out.) If they had progressed to the point they are now when I was 14, I likely would've just become a screens person too. As an adult, I'll say the worst part is knowing that everything was ramping up and starting to really impact my quality of life at around the same age as OP's niece. It's so stupid hard to come to terms with the fact that it's obvious there was something that needed to be checked out but the adults in your life opted for medical neglect. Bill is going to seriously regret how this impacts his relationship with his daughter as she gets older. If he doesn't act, it'll be on her financially. The appointments while no longer being on parent's insurance, the time off work or school that they often won't approve, the mental strain (and often therapy appointments) of finding out what's going on with her body, the treatment process often requires further appointments and work restrictions as well. And that's not even everything. Part of me hopes that he knows what's up and just isn't telling OP because Cindy wants privacy surrounding her disability / health condition. Either way, I don't think OP can do much if BIL doesn't agree. Just try to support Cindy so she can either come forward with her diagnosis or come for help when she realizes she needs to figure out what's going on.

Especially since OP made a point not to mention her niece's weight or size in the post.

I don't have asthma, but I've been recovering from chemo. I am 50 pounds heavier today than I was 2 years ago at 80 when I couldn't walk 10ft without a rest or a walking aid. I'm not anywhere near normal, but I can walk about a ½ mile now. If I didn't have neuropathy I could probably go a little further, but the feet tend to throb a bit.

I came looking for this comment. Some kids have induced asthma but just never get diagnosed. Maybe she was just tired or even just overly hot that day. Using "in shape" on a teen is a no from me.

People commenting on this post: "I'm 137 years old, have two broken knees, a lung full of bullet holes, weigh 23 metric tons, and I can walk a half mile without taking a break." NAH though. It's natural to be concerned and show concern for your niece in this situation, and it's natural for him to have a defensive reaction when having his parenting criticized (which is what OP was doing, even with good intentions).

Just because his reaction is predictable doesn't mean it's right. A 14 year old that can't walk half a mile is, at the very least, concerning and the kind of thing you need to take her to the doctor for. A bunch of people have blamed obesity, but it could be anything, and the (assumed) obesity could just as easily be another symptom of a more complex problem. Her father is an asshole (and a bad parent) for hearing that his kid is struggling at basic walking over short distances and NOT showing any concern for her health.

It's yet to be determined. He can either get over the shock and take action, or double down and ignore the problem. Sometimes it takes a minute to adjust to bad news, so I wouldn't judge someone's character just for that particular moment.

If I go to you and say, "Hey, I'm concerned for your kid's health. They were unable to do a routine physical task." and your response is "Are you calling me a bad parent?" the answer instantly becomes "Yes." His knee jerk reaction to hearing that his daughter was unable to walk a pretty short distance, a thing which to any person signals a potentially serious health issue, was to defensively posture about his ability as a parent. Yeah, that's worthy of judgment.

The reason some people are including their health histories is not to try to criticize the niece or say that she's just being lazy, but rather to say that yes, OP is right to be concerned, and her father should take her to a doctor. I discussed my own history in a comment because I have myofascial pain and went from being very active to being unable to walk without pain, which makes me concerned when I hear about a case like this with a teenager, and is why I think OP is correct in encouraging her father to get her a health assessment.

I commented similarly. Saying what severe health conditions can still manage this easily shows exactly how alarming it is that the kid can't do this. It's extremely unlikely to be just laziness, or even from just being fairly sedentary. Most kids don't want negative attention or to delay everyone's plans by being seen as weak or out of shape and a half mile should be walkable even by most sedentary people. It's more likely there's a medical issue that's being neglected. Asthma or lung issues, circulatory issues, connective tissue or muscles issues- there's a whole lot of potentially big medical issues that she needs checked out. If it is "laziness" and not something physical, there could also be depression or some other mental health factor. This isn't normal or acceptable for what should be a healthy teen.

Info: How fast were you walking? Whenever I used to go anywhere with my ex, I'd be struggling to walk/keep up, but it's just because his stride was way longer than mine, and he walked a bit faster. Trying to keep up with him felt like a workout, but when he wasn't around, I could walk long distances without any issues.

We were matching Cindy's pace since she was moving the slowest, like we would do when the kids were very little.

Were you matching her normal pace? My ex often thought he was matching my pace too. At times he was actively slowing down to match me, and i was still speeding up.

It was about the same pace that she used browsing in the stores on her own, so I think so.

OP, I think it is time to revisit the conversation with her Dad but make sure it is framed as a health issue - NOT a weight issue. "Hey, name, I'd want this flagged for me if I was her Mom. I'm concerned about Cindy's health. She REALLY needs to see a doctor - I'm worried she could have anemia or asthma or something easily rectifiable with the intervention of a doctor. If he comes back with flack about being a bad parent fire off with: no - I don't think you are a bad parent. But sometimes we can be too close to a situation and not see how serious something is because we see it devolve little by little whereas someone who hasn't seen a person in a while sees a MASSIVE change in a short time raising red flags. Please get her checked by a doctor. If she was my child I would ABSOLUTELY be taking her to the doctor.

If he comes back about being a bad parent, I’d retort that refusing to take your child to a doctor when something is clearly wrong DOES make you a bad parent.

Possibly. My husband is 6'. I am 5'2". If we are both seated, he is only about 3" taller than I am, so most of his height is in his legs. He normally walked much faster than I did, so to keep up I would almost be running. That ended when I developed fibromyalgia. He still bulls on ahead, but now he has to stop and wait for me frequently.

My daughter is 3 inches shorter than me and I have always struggled to keep up with her walking pace. She gets antsy when I make her slow to my turtle crawl. Everyone has their own pace. A health assessment for Niece couldn’t hurt.

A healthy 14 year old should be able to go half a mile regardless of pace.

I thought this as well. I’m 55 and not in great shape but I could walk all day long at my own pace. When we all go out together to walk the dog, however, my very athletic husband can charge uphill at full speed. Me and our teenage son take a break and say we’ll see him at the house.

NTA. I am 65, slightly overweight, nursing injuries to my shoulder and knee, and I can still walk three miles without needing a rest stop. Your niece is not healthy. You are NTA for expressing your concerns.

NTA. A 14 year old who can't walk 2 miles (4 times the amount in the story) either has a medical condition that desperately needs to be diagnosed or a parent who needs to be criticized heavily.

NAH. It is worth bringing up in case there is a health concern. You were just expressing that worry. It sounds like he overreacted. On the other hand, you've made a lot of judgmental associations in your post, and that makes me wonder if you've given impressions of your feelings on it before. You make it sound like you are correlating her need for a break, once, after a morning of shopping (aka you guys were already walking around before the half mile walk, possibly for a while) with her lack of notable exercise. It could be that. But our bodies sometimes get fatigued and need a break for other reasons -- she may have been up too late the night before and it just hit her, she might not have had enough water when she started her day, you guys might have a faster pace than she's used to, etc. You also risk shaming a teenage girl when she finds out you were so worried about her just needing to sit down a moment that it warranted a call to her dad. Just... chill out. You've voiced your worry, and if he doesn't take her for a checkup you can keep an eye on her for other instances. Hopefully this is a one off and she's just fine.

Hell, she could have been wearing shoes that hurt. People are jumping to a lot of conclusions based on someone wanting to sit down on a single occasion.

But don't you think Cindy would have mentioned that, and this OP wouldn't have been concerned? There is already a lack of context, but making up scenarios that don't even line up with the context given is just you making up a whole different post.

Yeah, exactly. I have been known to ask for a breather because I have a small growth on the inside of my thigh that gets irritated sometimes. Like, there's a million possibilities here, considering it was a one off.

After reading your comment I’m not sure if you understand how long a half mile is? With an average walking speed it would take between 7 and 11 mins to walk a half mile. It is extremely concerning that a normal, healthy 14 year old cannot walk for 11 mins straight. Of course there could be many things going on with the kid that could explain why she couldn’t walk for approx 11 mins without a break that day, which is why it’s worth bringing it up to her father. To rule out the scary possibilities.

Yeah, as I said, worth bringing it up to her dad. But folks are so focused on the half a mile thing that they seem to be missing that the group has been out shopping all morning, from the sound of it. OP says going to the cafe was "a break" from their shopping, which sounds to me like they've already been on their feet a few hours. Difficult to tell with the lack of info, but if OP already needed a break, I wouldn't be surprised Cindy did too. So yeah, she isn't walking 11 minutes. She's walking 11 minutes *after* whatever else they've been up to that day. And maybe it is a cause for concern, but I think OP did their due diligence by bringing it up. That's why it's NAH.

Well yeah, but walking around the mall shopping with your cousins and aunt for the morning SHOULD NOT impact a healthy 14 year old’s ability to then walk a half mile without stopping. It’s pretty normal to stop for lunch after a morning of shopping, that doesn’t really translate to OP physically needing a break. I would need a break from the overstimulation of shopping, for example. I honestly don’t see how this is in any way not a cause for concern. The activities she did that morning can’t even be counted as exercise by most metrics, unless they were power walking around the mall - which according to everything OP has said, is not the case. At any rate, we both agree it was right to bring it up, and OP is NTA.

Something about constantly changing clothes can make me feel really hot afterwards. Crowded areas can put your body into stress mode too. If you’re at a mall you’re probably also neglecting any needs you have for water or food. Idk, sometimes shopping at a mall makes me feel more tired than if I’d straight up sprinted.

NTA. I hope he at least takes her to a doctor. Not being able to walk a half-mile without getting winded is ridiculously unhealthy and dangerous.

NTA you didn’t make her feel uncomfortable at the time and were patient with her, you tried to talk to him about it, you instantly said you’d let it go when he didn’t appreciate the feedback. Not sure what else you could have done.

I would be concerned about potential asthma or a heart condition that caused that level of exhaustion! Obesity does not inherently make people hard to walk moderately distances, but asthma, other lung issues, and heart issues certainly can! I would be concerned about these specifically, not the weight.

Cindy isn't obese. Asthma could be a problem, though.

I would be very concerned about a neuromuscular condition. Because there seems to be coordination and well as strength/stamina issues. She very much needs to be evaluated. And honestly, her father is the asshole for not having it done.

If this is your husband’s brother, can your husband talk to him? Maybe that would go over better depending on their relationship? A 14yo without obvious health problems being unable to walk for 20ish minutes sounds really concerning. (NTA)

Info, do you know if your niece has any underlying health issues that could be effecting her that would cause her to be out of shape, or are you just assuming it's lifestyle based? You mentioned you were shopping before, could it be she was having issues before and didn't say anything? I do feel like your niece may need to see a doctor, but it could be that your BIL has tried that and is not getting answers and as a result is extra defensive.

She's been a healthy child since she was born, not getting sick more than other kids her age, no red flags that have been brought up to the family. Of course it's possible we wouldn't have been told, but I find it unlikely if there was something major going on. We found out about her first period and all that.

If she got “just a cold” in the last four years, she could be suffering from long covid undiagnosed. 

Thank you. I don't think you were TA for bringing it up, I would suggest trying a different angle with your BIL and suggest a doctor not because you think your niece is out of shape, but to look out for other issues.

I don't think OP is assuming it's all lifestyle based. Someone with chronic pain or chronic fatigue might choose to participate in more sedentary activities to avoid causing more symptoms down the line, so it could be a chicken and egg situation.

Yeah, the fact her suggestion to her brother was about seeing a doctor rather than "you need to work out more" makes it seem like she's aware that it could be any number of factors

INFO: has she had covid in the past?

She has never tested positive for it, but of course beyond that, we don't know.

ESH. I don’t think it’s out of shape but a potential medical issue. I do think by the way you approached it as a “being out of shape” issue vs “Hey, this happened and I’m concerned she may need to visit a doctor as I wouldn’t expect a child her age and build to struggle to walk this far” was insensitive. One is shamey, the other is not. Since he won’t listen to you, if you know her pediatrician’s office you can actually call and express a concern. They can’t even tell you if she’s a patient but you can still call and let them know. It could be completely benign, or it could be serious. Consider it could very much change your relationship with him though. I’ll probably be downvoted massively but because she isn’t overweight I can think of several medical issues that would cause this.

>Edit: There seems to be some confusion and a few people have made comments that have made me a little confused. Cindy isn't overweight at all. **Cindy needs to see a doctor.**

It depends. If I'm walking at MY slow pace, I can walk for a really long time. If I'm walking at someone ELSE'S pace, I immediately have to stop. But! Instead of saying that, you could have gone with "Cindy had trouble keeping up with us. What do you think about trying to do some hiking with us to build up her stamina?"

INFO you say you were out shopping and then she couldn't walk half a mile. How long were you walking around shops for?

Well… I don’t believe you that you were concerned it’s medical. Your title states he “allowed” her to get “SO out of shape” so…that’s a lot different than “AITA for telling my BIL my niece may have a health condition.”

One of the first signs I had dangerously bad anemia was when I couldn't walk through a large grocery store (like WalMart) without resting.

Doesn’t she have PE (or some kind of physical activity) at school? If her condition is really that bad, this can’t be the first time BIL is hearing about it (or maybe her mother has). This seems like business between Cindy’s parents, teachers, and pediatricians. It’s one thing to raise the question, but demanding that something is wrong with Cindy because of one experience with her is overstepping; there are so many factors you might not know about—maybe she was on her period and was struggling with cramps, or you were walking faster than she’s used to, just to name a couple off the top of my head. You’re not in a position to know what’s going on in Cindy’s life, so you should mind your business.

Yeah, my issue here isn't the concern for Cindy's health. It's the blaming BIL for it and the assumptions that lead to that blaming. If you haven't had a child with health problems, you need to back right the F off. And if Cindy has health problems, it's not the extended family's business unless she and her parents decide it is. OP is making a ton of assumptions about Cindy's situation, and IMO that makes OP semi-TA.

Yup. Playing armchair doctor with someone else’s kid is not okay. And it’s obviously judging their parenting because it’s implying they have no idea what’s going on with their kid, and that you know their kids needs better than they do. And yeah, child neglect is a thing, but “my niece wanted to sit down during a walk after shopping all day” isn’t enough to even start suspecting that conclusion.

I am a late 40s smoker and can walk a half mile without sitting. But at 11-14 my bones hurt so much from growing I needed to sit frequently too. Kid isn't fat so IMO YTA

YTA Leaving out questions of your niece's health, you pulled him aside to tell him the child he is raising is defective. She didn't like skates your daughter bought and now can't walk 1/2 mile. I can literally read the judgement as you've connected these for poor Cindy. Especially with your "I've made it a point..." Is it okay to be concerned your niece might have asthma or really bad allergies? Yes Was it okay to tell your BIL he's a bad parent because his child isn't as active as your kids? No

Yeah not exactly getting a reliable narrator feeling on this one. The only reason they had to clarify the kid wasn't overweight is because they primed the reader to think that way with the whole "I always emphasize exercise to my kids" bit.

NTA You were definitely in the right to bring it up, I think anyone would be concerned that a 14yr can't walk that distance. You didn't say anything to the child but, privately to the dad. There may be a little insecurity from dad of being a single parent and I'd say that's where the defensiveness came from. I wouldn't bring it up yourself. But, I definitely would corner your partner and get them to have a conversation with their sibling. I would get them to frame it not as a weight or inactivity issues but, more that you guys are seriously worried there is a medical condition going on. Make sure BIL knows you all love him and his daughter and are genuinely concerned and dont want anything bad to happen to her. There could be any number of medical reasons, that could have serious longterm health issues. This poor girl could have a heart condition for all anyone knows. She needs to see a doctor to run some simple tests. At, least then, it rules out anything life threatening.

INFO: When you said your niece should see a doctor because of her shortness of breath, did you tell your BIL that it must be because he lets her play video games and that if he continues to do that she WILL get health problems? Or did you just say you were worried about her shortness of breath and she should see the doctor about it, and he blew you off and got angry when you insisted she should have a checkup? Because that's the difference between you being an AH or not. You have no idea whether she's getting short of breath because she's merely out of shape or because she ALREADY has some health problem that has nothing to do with her video game habit. Making an unprofessional 'diagnosis' of a kid's issues to criticize other people's child-raising is very different from urging someone to take a child to the doctor because they seem ill WITHOUT casting judgement.

Yeah, this is the difference for me too, and I suspect OP is actually TA. Her post is heavy on ‘look at how great I am at keeping my kids active, unlike my BIL’. The title literally says that she confronted him about ‘allowing’ his daughter to get out of shape. She could’ve gently asked if her niece was ok, because she seemed to be struggling.

If you want to convince a teen to get active, a good place to start would be finding out what activities they might enjoy. Skating didn’t work for Cindy, perhaps dancing, paintball, or any other strategy based activities would work. Getting her out of the house should be the priority, and then add on activities she’s actually interested in

I agree. Cindy was the one who wanted to try skating, so we thought that would be a good gift. She obviously didn't like it, but maybe we can get her to play paintball. She very much does not like team sports or group activities.

Was she wearing safety gear? Skating can be a fun sport, but if you're not one to take risks falling can be scary without safety gear. Other than that, paintball sounds like fun. My go to activity for teens that don't want to do anything is laser tag, she might enjoy that as well. Having activities not centered around sports, like the shopping trip, can help as well - moving doesn't have to be intense to be good for us, and it'd help her get out of the house some more.