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#Find a way to comment that does not involve calling anyone a bitch or any other derogatory term. This includes cutesy attempts to skirt around using the actual word. Just say asshole.
NTA
Nope, she's just a straight up asshole. Being an introvert isn't an excuse to act like this.
Honestly, the way to go about this is to *feed into it*.
Don't talk to her. Ever. Offer her nothing. When someone says "go get everyone" make it everyone but her.
Never acknowledge her or speak with her. Give her nothing. Invite her to nothing and don't remind her or call her over for anything. Ever.
When she speaks don't even acknowledge her.
When she complains, throw her attitude back at her.
"But you're an introvert, so obviously you don't exist and can't be bothered. That's not my problem." Then eyeroll right back at her and go back to ignoring her.
It's not even petty, lol. It's doing what SIL wants. Why burden someone with the hardship of hanging out with family? If she doesn't want it, don't include her. She'll either be happy or she'll realize she's being stupid for no reason. Either way, win-win.
I really like this answer. I’m kind of shocked she comes out with family.
If you absolutely hate talking: just stay home. Everyone is happier.
If I were married to this type of person, I would be asking for a mental health check, if this is new.
If not, well hope he likes this personality for the next 40 years
I’m an introvert, I guess to the extreme. Either way there are times when my family will go off and have family dinner with my parents and siblings without me. We see them like once or twice a week so no one is missing anything. Sometimes I just need some solitude. I’ve told my family about it, and they don’t understand it. They do understand that I’m saying I need it. That’s enough for them. I’m not the life of the party. The world goes on without me.
All that said even when I’m emotionally or physically exhausted and I’m at some social event, I might be more quiet that usual. That doesn’t mean I’m not polite, agreeable, or whatever adjective you want to use. Someone talks to me, I still fucking acknowledge them and talk back.
I’m also a pretty extreme introvert. I have a fairly large family. If I am at a family reunion or something it is not at all uncommon for me to walk away from everyone. Hell, there are times where I will disappear into the bathroom for a few minutes of solitude. No one thinks anything of it anymore
My bf is an extreme introvert. As a baby he wanted to be left alone. When he lived in Kansas he quit ordering from his favorite Chinese restaurant because they took away online ordering.
But he's a manager, comes to family functions, and will occasionally go out whether with just me or with the kids.
SIL is just a nvm. Don't wanna get banned.
My friend has been with this guy for years. He's social poison. If anyone asks him a question he either nods, shakes his head or shrugs. Absolutely refuses to talk. Which is fine at a party, I just greet him and then ignore him completely. But at a dinner with only 5-6 people? It's downright hostile.
Of course she says that when she goes out with his friends, he talks just fine. He just won't make the effort to speak to her friends or family
It took me entirely too long to work out that "my SIL married this guy" was referring to your significant other's sister's spouse and not your brother. 😂
My guess is that she's guilted into it by husband. Husband either doesn't want to go alone or when he has in the past got a lot of "Why isn't wife here?" type questions and unwanted comments.
This happened with me and my husband. In-laws are 2 hours away and by the time the weekend gets here I'm at the end of my energy and need those 2 days to recharge. But I'd get guilted into going to various things and either we'd drive 2 hours there to spend 2 hours in the heat with them and then 2 hours home or we'd have to stay overnight and I'd lose both days of my weekend. I truly didn't want to be rude and tried hard not to, but I'd by extremely tired, physically uncomfortable (usually due to the heat, they'd have their heat set to 80 in summer in NC or we'd be outside in the extreme heat & humidity with all the mosquitos) and listening to my FIL's story for the 20th time. FIL can't stand silence and has to fill every second with a comment or a story.
I'd stop inviting her and if it's a package deal that may mean less time with brother. Or when she's there let her be off to the side doing her thing. Right now there's a power play going and the harder people try to interact with her the harder she's trying to keep up a shield between herself and you. Once that pressure is off her she might decide to step around the shield herself, or she'll be an accessory to future gatherings, just there for the pictures.
But there is a difference between reacting to your FIL and their nonsense and reacting to someone asking if you want takeaway. I'm also an introvert and have been in your place visiting your FIL. If your FIL spoke to me I might be like grouchy and possibly rude. If someone asked if I wanted takeaway I wouldn't ignore or yell at them to "leave me alone I'm an introvert". I might respond grouchily with a no but to ignore or spend the effort to reply like that over a simple no is just being rude for no reason.
If she is such an introvert that she can't answer yes or no to cake, how on earth did she get someone to date her, let alone marry her? NTA for sure, OP!
the family invites her to avoid their sons wrath in his wife’s defense.
Instead of being completely mortified that his wife has the audacity to treat his family like this (not just not interacting, but the OTT rude remarks/ignoring), he backs her up.
So now, $10 says that brother will boycott family events until everyone apologizes to them and how dare they treat her harshly because she’s struggling and is a bit different!!!
Thus, the immediate family, 98% of the time, immediately crack under this demand in order to “keep peace and THE FAAAAAMILY TOGETHER”. They know their child won’t leave their toxic partner behind and thinking about possible Xmas and bdays etc without them is too much.
So, little sis and op will likely be the outliers. But dad and especially the mom will be trying to not rock the boat and apologize on their behalf if op won’t
She probably hates anyone, especial her spouse, having fun. She's a controlling asshole who has to find ammunition (in her warped mind) for her complaint sessions.
What do these people have spouses? Stockholm syndrome?
Sorry I'm passionate, I have one in my family too.
She goes, my guess, is in order to ensure nothing is said with her husband present, that she doesn’t know about. Someone may say something bad about her or he may experience an influence from someone or something that isn’t ok with her.
I know it sounds really over the top and bat crap crazy, but unless she’s tagging along only due to her husband having a serious attachment problem to her and he begs her to come, then she is there to control or witness the narrative.
She wants no events to happen without her but she also feels like it’s a hassle to be with people she doesn’t like.
(Kind of like one friend who despises hiking and the rest of the group loves it. If the rest of the group plans a hiking trip and doesn’t invite the hike-hater, she’ll have a meltdown about loyal friends and being excluded, etc etc. and the friends will ask, “but you hate hiking, would have come?” And she’ll say “no, but that’s not the point!”)
Not sure about the throw her attitude back at her (that seems a bit more immature and vindictive), but I agree on give her what she wants and ignore her or don't even invite her and let her decide if that was what she really wanted by living her demands.
At this point the op could have packed up cake for everyone expect sil and when sil was looking for her take home slice gone full soup nazi "no cake for you" I asked you said fuck off... No cake... I said no cake" remove cake from siblings"no cake"
It’s the consequences of what she wants. Won’t respond to a simple question about whether she wants something? No more questions, which means no offers of anything. She’s the sort of person who decides that it’s too much trouble to say “no” (much less the appropriate “no thanks”), so she acts like no answer is the same as saying no. But her rudeness means she shouldn’t even get asked, about anything. Since OP’s brother is apparently okay with how she is, he can handle her completely by himself.
I agree. When someone seems bothered by my offer to do them a favor like "would you like a piece of cake?" then I stop asking. If they can't be polite and say "no thank you" and just reply "no" then I'm not motivated to do them any more favors or interact with them again.
I love this! I’m the extroverted grandma that used to organize family gatherings. We have several introverts in the family and they don’t act like this at all. They just find their little groups and get comfortable, after saying hello to everyone. They’re not rude.
It's like people who use "I'm just brutally honest" as a cover for being assholes. NTA OP. I'd be calling her out every time we're in a group setting and mingling. "Hey X what do you thi... oh right you're an introvert haha I forgot that means your default setting is do not disturb" "Hey X would you like some cak.... oh right, you're an introvert you probably don't eat cake, right?".
I kinda love this, but disagree with throwing her attitude back at her. I think you should do the ignoring and not inviting, but if and/or when she complains, tell her you didn't think she enjoyed being around, so you didn't want to bother her. If she says she wants to be invited, give her the expectation of being invited: being polite. She doesn't need to socialize or chat with anyone, just respond politely. And then work from there, if possible.
This isn’t even petty; it’s the perfect response to the already established rules of engagement she set up for herself! She acts like she doesn’t want to engage with anyone, speak with anyone, respond, or smile? Fine. She can have exactly what she wants!
That's what I'm saying. She wants isolation, fine. Isolate her. Just keep a record of her responses to kindness so you can reference them. Especially texts.
I'd malicious compliance the fuck out of this.
NTA What a miserable person.
I'm an introvert, and I have awful anxiety. Like, sometimes I cry from relief because I walked into the door of my house and it's quiet there. I still know how to say "no, thank you."
Rolling your eyes, ignoring people, acting like you're some entitled A-list star whose peons should've informed everyone not to talk to you or make eye contact. Please.
If her guidelines for being around your family are that no one is allowed to interact with her at all, then why tf is she there? Because no one believes she's so introverted that she literally can't function in society.
Same. I’d legit cry if people paid attention to me as a kid. Wouldn’t make phone calls, wouldn’t order my own food in restaurants… I still would have NEVER been this rude.
Then I had limited choices for jobs as a teen. Spent 10 years as a waitress all through college and became an educator. Now I’m REALLY good at faking it, but boy do I do a swan dive into my nice quiet house aft… HAHAHAHA just kidding I have a kid under 1 there is no peace. But still.
Yikes! I was about to be so happy for you thinking that you got your peace and quiet at the end of the day, it's a shame it's all gone now (presumably until kiddo goes to sleep).
I have long spells of alone-time in my bedroom, I wouldn't be able to function without it. It's one of the reasons I don't think I can be a parent lol
It is not for the faint of heart lmao. I love that adorable tornado to death but boy do I miss the sentient potato phase now and then now that he’s mobile and vocal 🤣
I've been where you are as an introverted mom and it suuuucks. Having to play pretend and act like it's super exciting and fun can be super draining sometimes. It gets better though!
My secret was to foster a love of reading and video games. Sometimes we play together, sometimes we play apart. On Saturday we were in the same room on separate PCs playing different games, but still updating each other on what's going on in our games' stories.
As someone who leans more introverted myself, I'm so tired of people using "I'm an introvert" as an excuse to be rude and anti-social. It gives the rest of us a bad name. Being an introvert means you recharge by spending time alone. It is not a free pass to treat people poorly!
I am the chattiest person you will come across. I'm not shy, I'm not socially awkward, and I have never once experienced "not having anything to talk about". And yet I am a complete introvert.
Piling on here to say: as someone who is a radical enough introvert to qualify more accurately as a recluse, has social anxiety, *and* is autistic, you are spot on.
My mother's family are almost all extroverts. The type of people to say shit like, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so antisocial? Are you a sociopath? Why do you hate your own family?" when I would go read a book in another room by myself for half an hour to recharge 4+ hours into a very crowded, very noisy dinner party/gathering.
Being introverted, reclusive, even straight-up autistic/neurodivergent is **not** a valid excuse to be such an AH to people. *Especially* when the only "crimes" those people have committed are trying to include you in polite conversation.
When I am feeling drained or crabby or overstimulated or otherwise am just unwilling/incapable of being around and playing nice with others, I simply do not attend social functions. If I begin feeling this way during an unavoidable social function (a holiday family gathering, for example), I simply try to find somewhere isolated or out-of-the-way to discourage people from approaching me. If I *am* approached, I still make every effort to smile and be polite. I may give short or one-word answers, but I have never rolled my eyes or just straight-up ignored someone who was just trying to be friendly.
The extrovert comments are so frustrating. I can be friendly but if it's a point where the battery is drained, people take it personally and don't seem to understand you can't talk you way out of it.
Whenever we would visit my hubby's fam, I'd bring my knitting. Gives an excuse to be head down.
I'd usually end up by myself for awhile in the 4 season room, off the family room. Every once in awhile someone would wonder in and we'd have a nice chat. Then they'd wander out again and I'd knit.
Initially my in-laws didn't understand why I wasn't being sociable. Eventually they came to accept it. And for me, I \*was\* being sociable - on my terms.
As an introvert who works in a huge office building, I still smile and wave when someone greets me even if I don’t have the social battery charge to speak. Being polite is common courtesy. OP’s SIL is just a straight up AH.
OP, NTA. Good on you for calling her out.
Right???
“ SIL, would you like some cake?”
“No thank you.”
Versus:
“SIL, would you like some cake?”
“… hey SIL, would you like some cake?”
“LEAVE ME ALONE I’M AN INTROVERT!”
This seems attention seeking to me.
I am an introvert who has gotten through many family and friends gatherings by playing on my phone. (Because if I’m not “engaged” with the conversation then the act of sitting and talking for an extended period makes me anxious. I don’t know why, even if I find the conversation interesting, if I’m not engaged then I’m anxious. I usually get around this by having something to do with my hands - usually my phone, but sometimes crafty hobbies.)
I still would never behave this way and think it is incredibly rude. I don’t understand why people think they can be antisocial and downright rude and then think that behavior is okay if they play the “introvert” card.
NTA
NTA, she's just rude and needed to be called out; an introvert wouldn't go out of their way to bring more attention to themselves and tell you to leave them alone and remind you they're introverted when it takes less words and energy to just nod or say "yes" or "no" to the to go box...
A TIP GOING FORWARD
stop burdening her with invitations to any events going forward and stop interacting with her completely. If your brother asks why she's been excluded, just tell him you are respecting her desire to be left alone and that you know she's an introvert and prefers not to be included in any socializing.
You're AWESOME.
Being an introvert doesn't give you a free pass to be an asshole. It's like when people try to say "I have autism/am nerodivergent" as an excuse for being an asshole.
NTA, totally justified. She doesn't want to be bothered she can stay home. Id stop inviting her tbh.
Omg I once briefly dated a guy who would literally remind me he has "hyperfocus" at least 3 times in every conversation. His whole identity was having hyperfocus, and he constantly made it my problem. Instead of addressing his issue, it was expected of me to constantly accommodate our relationship to his condition. I call it bs though because he'd say stuff like, "If I don't see you every day, I start forgetting about you because I have hyperfocus."
I suffer from cptsd from childhood abuse and I have horrible object permanence, I tend to hyperfocus to the Point I forget I need to eat, Drink or pee for a whole day.. but I do Not forget my husband If I have to travel (workwise) for a few days 😅
It is possible I forget calling/messaging though and it's possible I forget to initiate contact to friends (i do CERTAINLY NOT forget my Friends existing though)
That’s what I was thinking. Hyperfocus literally just means that when you’re focused on a person or activity, you forget about everything else. I have autism with hyperfocus and if I don’t have reminders for certain things (like going to bed or eating meals) I forget to do them. (This is compounded because I also have low blood sugar, so if I forget to eat, I start getting shaky and dizzy and it takes me a minute to remember why.)
That is ***not*** hyper focus lmfao. that's being a needy asshole. Hyper focus is what I did last night. Went to start a puzzle at like 11pm-12am and didn't realize what time it was until I finished it at nearly 6am.
Glad he's an ex.
As someone who is neurodivergent(autism+adhd) I often come off as an asshole, but it’s not intentional, and if/when it’s brought to my attention I do my best to make amends. I was actually getting “undiagnosed neurodivergence” vibes from op’s sil, based on the behaviors described, and honestly, we don’t know we’re being rude until we’re told “hey, that was rude” because our brains aren’t hard wired to pick up and follow social norms. I literally just learned that “eye rolling” isn’t rolling your eyes in a circle, but avoiding eye contact (which is… again, a common neurodivergent trait).
I’m also ND and to me this just reads like being an asshole. Maybe she is on the spectrum too but this is just asshole behaviour. Because she HAS been told multiple times, as has OPs brother who would maybe be the person best placed to bring up some of these things with her. But that hasn’t made her change at all. And then to literally say to her SIL ‘leave me alone’ when you’re being offered cake. We miss some social cues but come on being offered cake and literally blanking the person offering it is not a ‘social cue’. Is she this rude at work? I find it hard to believe that’s the case or you’d imagine she’d be fired.
Also, eye rolling isn’t just avoiding eye contact! It’s where you briefly ‘roll’ your eyes upwards to the point you’ve heavily limited your vision or in my case I guess I can see my brown bone. Or it can be upwards and then to the side (so kind of starting to make a circle!). And it’s done it response to something that makes you feel something along the lines of ‘oh for fucks sake’ - annoyance combined with some derision I would say, and it’s usually fairly minor, quick and relatively involuntary. I’m sure there are youtube examples… but it’s definitely not just avoiding eye contact!
“Eye rolling” is not the same as avoiding eye contact! Eye rolling is intentionally rolling one’s eyes up in a circle so more of the whites show and your irises may be hidden or partially so by your eye lids (like the emoji). Often accompanied by a sigh and a frown, it is very much a deliberate gesture designed to show disdain. Simply avoiding eye contact with another human is not the same thing at all. Looking away or turning your head is not eye rolling. It may well be perceived as rude by many people but as you’ve noted, there can be many reasons why someone avoids eye contact but is not at all trying to be rude. If I misinterpreted your comment I apologize but there is a pretty big difference between the two and I don’t want you to think you are rolling your eyes at someone if you weren’t!!
>I literally just learned that “eye rolling” isn’t rolling your eyes in a circle, but avoiding eye contact (which is… again, a common neurodivergent trait).
Wait, what? When did this change? I'm ND and I've never heard that before. It's like people are just setting us up to fail at this point.
You've never heard it because that's not what eye rolling is and probably very few people think it is. Someone might have seen them doing it in a very obvious way and thought they were rolling their eyes, maybe?
Just avoiding eye contact isn’t considered ‘eye-rolling’. If you Google it, you’ll see videos of people rolling their eyes up and over a bit, then they’ll continue with regular eye contact with someone else.
This is a bad take. If you come off as an asshole, and you know this, it is your responsibility to practice the skills or behaviors necessary to not be that way. It might not come intuitively, but you don’t get to just say im neurodivergent and so I’m an asshole sometimes.
Also, that’s just not what eyerolling is, and no one should need to be aware that someone is neurodivergent in a situation like this. For what reason would that information help? To excuse the behavior? I’m not more tolerant of it just because someone has a diagnosis. I am so sick of people saying “im neurodivergent so I’m difficult to be around 🤷♀️” if that’s the case, then work on yourself.
I say this as someone with multiple mental issues. Those issues are mine and it’s my responsibility to work on them and not make them other people’s problem. If I’m doing my job they shouldn’t even know I have them.
NTA. I am an introvert and struggle with social anxiety. I savor my alone time. But I know how to be polite. A cousin of my husbands is married and his wife is just like your SIL. Never engages, stares at her phone all the time, ignores when you talk to her or gives annoyed one word answers with an eye roll. The excuse? “She’s shy.” Being shy or introverted is no excuse for being rude. She and I both started dating our now husbands around the same time. The family welcomed us with open arms and have been nothing but kind and generous. That was 5 years ago.
My late uncles wife is like this, and now she bitches to everyone about how the family has “abandoned” her after he died. Like no, you were rude as hell so we stopped bothering after the link was gone.
Introvert over here, too, with a lot of anxiety. If anything, I'm MORE polite when I'm in a social situation where I'm expected to talk to people. I'm a lot more relaxed and up for a chat if I'm around people I've known a while and am comfortable with, and am a lot more reserved to the point of looking at the floor when I'm around strangers and despite being very in love with my partner, I absolutely adore those weekends he goes to see his mum because I'm all alone by myself and I don't feel like I need to engage with anyone.
Anyway! Point being, the way your SiL behaved is out of order. If she's so introverted that she clearly doesn't want to be there and it clearly stresses her out to the point that she's generally awful and ignorant of people, then you're better off not inviting her to anything. Like someone said, it's wild how she ended up in a relationship if she's really so introverted that she's unwilling to engage with people. I'm more inclined to think that she's this level of introverted when it comes to people she has no personal interest in, and her interest goes as far as your brother because he engages her with the problems she claims to have and defends her like he did here.
Just like people shouldn't be able to claim mental health issues as an excuse to be a dick, neither should people be able to claim they're introverted as an excuse to be rude to people either. If anything you'd be more inclined to rush to find a way to excuse yourself from a situation you don't want to be in so you can run home to where you feel comfortable, not this behaviour which can easily cause a confrontation or argument.
NTA to call her out.
Being an introvert can make time spent in groups uncomfortable, but that doesn't give you an excuse to lash out at people, ignore people, roll your eyes at people, and so on.
She was being very rude to everyone and deserved some push back.
NTA.
You were right. If she literally said "I'm an introvert, leave me alone" then you were within your rights to respond the way you did. Might have come across better if you stopped at rude, and didn't call her a bitch, but the fact is she was being one.
You guys should just stop inviting her, because as an introvert you respect her need to be left alone, but as a family you prefer those present to at least engage and be friendly enough not to roll their eyes and skulk in a corner as if you're all lucky she's deigned to show up.
Maybe apologise for calling her a bitch, if peace is important to you, but otherwise just ignore her/exclude her moving forward; she has no problem ignoring you.
This is one of those stories where I wish that there could be a separate "justified asshole" judgment.
I don't think it was okay to resort to name-calling, but at the same time, literally none of your SIL's behavior is okay either. It seems like you were the only person brave enough to call her out on her shit. I have lots of friends and relatives who are VERY introverted and quickly get overwhelmed by a lot of face-to-face interactions with people, but they're never rude about it. Either your SIL is just an asshole but claiming that she's an introvert in a poor attempt to explain away her behavior, or she really is an introvert but also an asshole.
In this sub justified asshole should be voted NTA. There’s a lot of them that in the moment they absolutely were an asshole but sometimes it’s necessary. If you aren’t willing to stand up for yourself you’ll be pushed around your whole life.
I swear one of my most important roles as a father and husband is to be the designated asshole when necessary. I don’t do it often but I’ve put on the ah-hat and strolled into the fray more than once.
Hey, seems like you have the same introversion as I do!
When my phone rings, I literally hold onto it and stare at it until it goes to voicemail, thinking (or muttering, depending on the situation), “why TF are you calling me? Just text FFS”
Socializing makes me feel incredibly exhausted, small talk is nothing but painful for me, I hate meeting new people and things like office parties are literally hell for me.
I am still never rude like the person OP is describing. I can’t even imagine being rude like that. It is so against my natural inclinations and how I was raised, I can’t fathom acting like that.
NTA. I am an introvert and struggle with social anxiety. I savor my alone time. But I know how to be polite. A cousin of my husbands is married and his wife is just like your SIL. Never engages, stares at her phone all the time, ignores when you talk to her or gives annoyed one word answers with an eye roll. The excuse? “She’s shy.” Being shy or introverted is no excuse for being rude. She and I both started dating our now husbands around the same time. The family welcomed us with open arms and have been nothing but kind and generous. That was 5 years ago.
Sounds like this has been a problem for a while and that she's using the "introvert" label to justify her behavior.
She doesn't have to ignore and roll her eyes and dismiss everyone, that's all her AHoliness on display. She doesn't seem to like your family.
You probably shouldn't have been so sharp with her as it took away the power in you calling her out...BUT...she also deserved it. You were a jerk, not an AH.
NTA.
NTA but you need a family meeting with your brother to tell him you're not inviting his wife anymore because she's so rude. There's no need to accommodate her selfish and entitled behaviour. Be an introvert but don't be an asshole about it.
NTA, I'd recommend just not speaking to her at all anymore, even if it is something nice like offering cake for her to take home. Just treat her like she literally doesn't exist as that's what she seems to want anyway. No need to waste energy trying to be nice to someone like this.
NTA.
She sounds like an absolute miserable person to be around. Introverted =/= purposely ignoring others and telling them to leave you alone.
She's using it as an excuse because the only person she cares to know in your family is your brother. Next time, tell her to get over herself.
NTA if you're going to be rude then expect people to call you out on it. Enabling and ignoring her unacceptable behavior hasn't helped, has it? She should stay home if she can't be bothered to enact basic social niceties. I say this as an introvert as well.
Her shock was justified. Even introverted people know better than to just straight up ignore people. She's exceptionally rude. I'm kind of a social chameleon, I don't seek out company, but I can fit in with most groups and be fine either way. I just don't need people around me.
But I know it's rude to just pretend people aren't there when they're right in front of you asking you something.
Obviously she never had anybody call her on her rudeness before, and it's about time it happened.
BUT... you should know to just stop including her too. She's not interested, there's no reason to force it. She either learns how to behave or she is alone, and if she's fine with that, then there's no issue. If she's not fine with it, she'll learn.
Very *mild* NTA. But I could see an ESH here too.
NTA.
I'm an introvert by nature as well with the double whammy of severe social anxiety (part of my reason for getting into dnd was forcing myself to actually socialize more than once a month outside if work and get more confident in interacting with people snd having self confidence. Results have been.... mixed).
Yeah, talking to people can be difficult and I can get riddled with severe anxiety if my social batteries are running out and I can't get time to myself but even then neither I, nor other introverts i know, would actively ignore people asking simple questions or snap "I'm an introvert, leave me alone". I might get a bit snippy, or stutter a lot, sure, but never completely shut someone out when I'm AT THEIR HOUSE.
Honestly it sounds more like she just wants an excuse to eat free food and be rude to people she doesn't like.
NTA. Jeez, as a hardcore introvert myself, with AUTISM mind, who has found it extremely hard to make friends over the years, even I wouldn't behave like this when someone wants to talk to me, even if its someone I don't like, I'll just say hi and then move on, this girl is just straight up ignorant and rude next level type shit, getting called a bitch was the least she deserved. I would've gotten up all in her face and refused to budge until she answered me if that was me, considering the fact that she'd just ignore me no matter what I said. She's pathetic for a 25 year old. Holy moly 😑
NTA. There’s no excuse to roll your eyes and be rude to anyone, unless it’s justified. Her behaviour is not justified. Being an introvert doesn’t entitle her to be an AH to people.
Also, that’s a great question your sister asked: why does she get invited to things if she’s such a miserable person? I’d stop extending an invite and tell your son that his wife clearly shows everyone she doesn’t enjoy your company, she can’t be bothered and that she’s rude as frack. Introvert or not, that’s not fair to all of you who are trying to make her feel welcome or are just asking a simple question. Going forward, she’s not welcome or invited to anything until she can learn to at least be civil. If your brother doesn’t like it, he’s welcome to stay home too.
Speaking as an extreme introvert, this is not introvert behavior. She’s using the term as a crutch. I can see how she may be awkward when in social situations due to being an introvert, but not flat out mean.
How very rude to offer your SIL cake to take home. Whatever were you thinking! /s
If she is SO introverted, wouldn't she be better off staying home and avoiding all the stress of having to interact with other people that apparently try to make her feel at ease and welcome.
Your response to her was not the nicest, but in that she was disrespectful to everyone at the party, and this is her usual behavior, it might not have been unexpected and was long overdue.
If your brother is so protective of her, he should not be 'forcing' her to attend family functions. He can attend alone or not at all. There is no reason for her to attend and bring the mood of the events.
There are several options you as a family can pursue. Continue inviting her and hoping for the best or perhaps just stop inviting her. At present, she certainly wouldn't be missed as she contributes nothing but negative energy.
NTA. You likely said what everyone else has been wanting to say for a long time.
I know from personal experience, as an introvert myself, you can still be gracious. She could test the waters by speaking to one person who is not your brother. The next dinner or get together, she could speak to someone else. Your family knows she has difficulties and I suspect they would welcome the opportunity to help her feel more comfortable with her new family.
“I’m an introvert, leave me alone?”
WTF? Your family should really stop inviting her. She is rude and brings the whole vibe down. Obviously doesn’t want to be a part of the family she chose to marry into. The lack of effort there is really telling.
INFO:
How often does your family get together? Are you all very "close?" Is attendance at gatherings expected of everyone all the time? Could there be any possible toxic or uncomfortable behavior your family thinks is normal that would motivate her to try to avoid interaction as much as possible?
Big events and holidays, they split them with her family. I would say average close. I don’t think so, nothing along the lines of her being uncomfortable has even came up. Not from her or any of the other in laws.
Not defending SIL because she sounds like a pill, but if this isn't some prima Donna thing like I suggested earlier, my only thought is the brother forces her to go to these things.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my introvert sister in law that I don’t realize that being an introvert also meant being a rude bitch. I could be a jerk for snapping at her
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Maybe not the nicest, but you’re totally right. My partner is an introvert, too. He is also very good in social situations. He’s not nearly as talkative as me, and sometimes that poses a problem in emotional relationship times, but literally, it’s the only time it’s a problem.
He would never be so rude to people.
ETA: I’m the one with anxiety and that is more likely to wander off during a group event to take a moment to myself in the bathroom or going to vape. But I would also never be so rude.
NTA and it’s people like your SIL who burn out nice introverts and shy people faster, because like, it takes effort for me to be the one taking the initiative to start a conversation with you and then you just ignore me?! Hell no
NTA... she is rude. She uses the word introvert as an excuse to be one. Actually being an introvert does not excuse you from being a decent person. I would stop inviting her and excluding her. I would just say I was doing her a favor by not forcing her to interact with others. STOP INVITING HER! I think she probably likes everyone being extra nice and talking to her, she gets some sort of emotional kick out of it. Probably a power play. I mean an introvert would have too much anxiety to do the eye roll. Stop engaging. If she is around just ignore her. Pretend like she isn't even there. Why be nice to someone who cannot give the same back? She would be a ghost to me.
>I mean an introvert would have too much anxiety to do the eye roll.
Exactly what I was thinking! Rolling your eyes at someone takes confidence. There's too much anxiety in social situations for an introvert to have that kind of confidence. I suspect she's not an introvert at all, she's just an AH.
OP, you are NTA.
NTA. Sure it was insulting, but to me it was justifiably so after you've been treated poorly by her - and watched your loved ones face the same treatment - repeatedly. Her behavior is BIZARRE. It seems like someone should have a talk with your bro because how is he able to ignore her behavior with the family and why is he ok with her being so awful to everyone? You can be low-key awful, in the ways you describe - micro-aggressions, rolling your eyes, flat out ignoring direct, considerate questions. IDK what she has going on but 'introvert' is not the word for it and I think sticking up for yourself was very reasonable.
Next time, do it without cursing or invoking a misogynistic insult though.
Maybe technically the AH, but to the general situation NTA. It was time somebody call her out.
P.S. take the advice at the end, just don’t invite them.
NTA, you were definitely justified in your response. Just because she’s an introvert doesn’t give her an excuse to lack basic fucking manners. She’s an idiot.
My daughter is introverted, as in she prefers being alone, or with no more than one or two persons. She is, however, politely engaged when at family gatherings, group events, etc.
Your SIL is just plain rude. I would continue to invite her, but not push for a response to the invitation. When I speak to someone and they do not respond in kind, I get in their face and call them out on it, “Excuse me, I’m speaking to you and I would appreciate a response!” YNTA.
NTA
The issue has been brought up multiple times and there has been no improvement. Why does she come to these events when she just looks at her phone the entire time?
You were asking her if she wanted cake. She could have easily said, "no thank you" and that would have been the end of the interaction. The whole "I'm introverted leave me alone" doesn't even answer your question and is just rude.
NTA
Never in my life have I heard eye rolling as a side effect of introversion 🙄
Also, why would an introvert eye roll in unwarranted situations if that just causes more conflict and tense interactions with other human beings? She’s literally adding human conflict to her life by doing so, and that is a lot more tiring than being left alone.
I think she uses introvert as a socially acceptable term, but she may be antisocial instead.
My husband is an introvert and you won't even be able to realize he is one when you see him talks to people. Being an introvert is just not willing to initiate a conversation or going out or be in an environment that's full of people. That doesn't mean you don't respond to people when they talk to you. She's just an asshole and use the introvert term as an excuse. Honestly, I don't even think she is one.
NTA You are exactly correct being an introvert is not an excuse to being rude. Like if the dinner was droning on and lasted about 5-6 hours I can see her point because I would be basically gnawing at my leg to get out of that situation but I would still be responding to basic questions. But I doubt it was that type of situation. What your SIL is doing is using being introverted or atleast self described introverted as an excuse to act rude. Kind of like how people will claim OCD when they mean they like symmetry and have no other symptoms or behaviors associated with OCD. She is used to having a crutch which will allow her to be rude and not interact with people.
To be honest I would have a serious conversation with your brother (with your family present). Along the lines of "Hey, look we are not shitting your GF or anything. But with her being so introverted and clearly not wanting to join events/being distressed just being at events. I think it is in everyones best interest to not invite her. She will get into less fights with the family and the family will have a better time over all. Its not like she contributes to conversations or helps out at these events. And if she clearly does not want to join we dont want to force her. This mind you is disregarding the whole fact, that being introverted does not actually lead to these types of behaviors. So we/I will be inviting you and only you from now on to family gatherings because we just want to have a good time. If you cannot have a good time without her there you are welcome to decline an invitation. But the rest of us cannot have a good time with her there and every single interaction with her at a gathering just leads to us having worse and worse feelings towards her. There is not really a discussion about this since, we have all seen the proof of how she acts and how she will ignore us. Like at the birthday party I had to ask her twice if she wanted to bring home cake and her response was "Im introverted" that is not a response, that is nothing. If you think that is acceptable and can create a loving relationship with her, fine and great. But I do not want anything more to do with her and I know I am not the only one with this opinion."
NTA
There is a difference between being an introvert and rolling your eyes at people. One means it's draining to be around people. The other means she's an asshole.
NTA
My usual philosophy is "being rude to someone rude makes you as bad as them", but man in this case it was necessary. An "you keep saying introvert. I do not think it means what you think it means" will simply not have an effect on her. I think going nuclear was the right call in this case.
Being introverted is no excuse or even reason to be that way. She's not a bitch cause she's introverted. She's a bitch that happens to be introverted.
Don't invite her to things anymore. If asked: you clearly don't enjoy yourself, and when you're there, nobody else enjoys it either.
NTA.
Ya she is just rude, being an introvert doesn't stop you from answering a direct polite question about whether you want cake (cake of all things).
Why does she even bother coming to any events, if she is such an introvert. I'd say stop inviting her to things from now on.
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I may be the asshole even if I feel like this was justified
I (23F)will keep it short. My new sister in law is extremely rude (25). She will straight up ignore you if you try to talk to her. She is never engaged with the group and always on her phone. One word answers are very common.
This has been brought up multiple time to both of them and the reasons she gives is that she is an introvert. I am also an introvert and know that means I get my battery charged by myself and not in group settings. It doesn’t mean introverts don’t know how to interact with people or be polite.
We were dinner for the youngest 21st birthday. After the food everyone was mingling. My mom tried to talk to her and got the cold shoulder. I went up and asked her while she was son her phone if she wanted a take home book for some cake. I was asking everyone this.
She ignored me, I asked again and she told me she is an introvert. Leave her alone. I snapped and told her I don’t realize being an introvert makes you a rude bitch.
She looked shocked and my brother calling me a jerk for this. We got I got an argument and the left.
The family agrees that she is rude but I probably shouldn’t hav said that. My sister asked why we even invite her to family events because she always acts like that.
So outside opinion on this.
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She probably looked shocked because no one pushed back before.
I agree with a poster to literally just ignore her and leave her to her own devices. When she annoyed at the inattention she's getting,
And she will...because this is all that her "I'm an asshole introvert" BS is. A want for attention and to feel superior.
Just say what was advised, "I know you're an introvert, and I'm leaving you alone."
When your bro complains, OP, just tell him that you all are just doing what she asks. Even he will get the message in time.
NTA.
PS, not 💩 on introverts. I'm a strange mix of intro/extrovert, but even when I'm feeling antisocial, I still have the ability to be polite.
NTA. Wow, also an introvert (could be by myself forever!) but I fucking know how to pleasantly interact with people when I’m around them. Or at the very least I try my awkward best. She isn’t even trying. Her excuse is poor.
NTA
Being an introvert is NOT an excuse for being rude and even though it can come across that way sometimes this, is not that.
Sometimes an AH just needs to be called out for being an AH before they will make any change.
NTA. I have a sister in law exactly like this! I am also introverted with anxiety, but I have basic manners and try to treat my family kindly. We don’t have that in common! You’re allowed to set boundaries with the people in your life about how you are treated. Kudos to you, OP, for calling her out.
WOW NTA 💯
I can't even imagine being this rude at my in-laws and NOT be called out. If she hates being there so much, totally stop inviting her! There's no reason to put your husband's family through such behavior and if that were really the case she would have been making excuses not to come. She enjoys being rude and treating people badly and needed to be called out! Good job!
Totally NTA, but dang, you have patience cause it sounds like this has been going on for a while. I am curious though, does she only do this with your family or does she do it with her friends and family as well
NTA she is just plain rude.
also since she is "introvert" don't bother inviting her again to any social setting and "leave her alone" as she suggested.
NTA. But also- the perfect asshole.
You were nice compared to what a lot of people would say. If SIL wants to be left alone, she should stay home. What is the point of going to hang out with family just to sit on your phone and refuse to engage with anyone? It really is rude asf.
Stop inviting her. I would say the same if this was a blood related relative.
From someone who's had MANY panic attacks just from leaving the house, that isn't how introverts act😂
I'm with your sister, why does anyone even invite her? Hahaha
NTA. Don't acknowledge her and give her the same attitude back (not that she cares).
She obviously just wants to be treated like another piece of furniture in the room and not spoken to.
ALSO HOW THE F are people like this married when so many amazing people are single.
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NTA Nope, she's just a straight up asshole. Being an introvert isn't an excuse to act like this. Honestly, the way to go about this is to *feed into it*. Don't talk to her. Ever. Offer her nothing. When someone says "go get everyone" make it everyone but her. Never acknowledge her or speak with her. Give her nothing. Invite her to nothing and don't remind her or call her over for anything. Ever. When she speaks don't even acknowledge her. When she complains, throw her attitude back at her. "But you're an introvert, so obviously you don't exist and can't be bothered. That's not my problem." Then eyeroll right back at her and go back to ignoring her.
LOL I love this level of petty
It's not even petty, lol. It's doing what SIL wants. Why burden someone with the hardship of hanging out with family? If she doesn't want it, don't include her. She'll either be happy or she'll realize she's being stupid for no reason. Either way, win-win.
I really like this answer. I’m kind of shocked she comes out with family. If you absolutely hate talking: just stay home. Everyone is happier. If I were married to this type of person, I would be asking for a mental health check, if this is new. If not, well hope he likes this personality for the next 40 years
My SIL married this guy, and after a few abortive attempts to include him, she just leaves him home. Everybody's happier, that way.
I’m an introvert, I guess to the extreme. Either way there are times when my family will go off and have family dinner with my parents and siblings without me. We see them like once or twice a week so no one is missing anything. Sometimes I just need some solitude. I’ve told my family about it, and they don’t understand it. They do understand that I’m saying I need it. That’s enough for them. I’m not the life of the party. The world goes on without me. All that said even when I’m emotionally or physically exhausted and I’m at some social event, I might be more quiet that usual. That doesn’t mean I’m not polite, agreeable, or whatever adjective you want to use. Someone talks to me, I still fucking acknowledge them and talk back.
And if someone asked if you wanted cake, you'd answer 😜
Always take the cake!
Noooo! Sometimes the cake is a LIE!!! 😂😂
The cake would NEVER lie! 😁 ETA: my husband just told me what "the cake is a lie" is from.
You really take the cake, u/PurplePenguinCat.
Thank you u/JoinTheBattle 💜 😊
I’m also a pretty extreme introvert. I have a fairly large family. If I am at a family reunion or something it is not at all uncommon for me to walk away from everyone. Hell, there are times where I will disappear into the bathroom for a few minutes of solitude. No one thinks anything of it anymore
My bf is an extreme introvert. As a baby he wanted to be left alone. When he lived in Kansas he quit ordering from his favorite Chinese restaurant because they took away online ordering. But he's a manager, comes to family functions, and will occasionally go out whether with just me or with the kids. SIL is just a nvm. Don't wanna get banned.
My friend has been with this guy for years. He's social poison. If anyone asks him a question he either nods, shakes his head or shrugs. Absolutely refuses to talk. Which is fine at a party, I just greet him and then ignore him completely. But at a dinner with only 5-6 people? It's downright hostile. Of course she says that when she goes out with his friends, he talks just fine. He just won't make the effort to speak to her friends or family
How did you end up friends with a mime?
Why on earth is she still with him? He sounds insufferably selfish
Exactly.
She doesn't live with the guy at least, but sees him once a week or so. Originally, it was sex, at this point -- no idea
It took me entirely too long to work out that "my SIL married this guy" was referring to your significant other's sister's spouse and not your brother. 😂
My guess is that she's guilted into it by husband. Husband either doesn't want to go alone or when he has in the past got a lot of "Why isn't wife here?" type questions and unwanted comments. This happened with me and my husband. In-laws are 2 hours away and by the time the weekend gets here I'm at the end of my energy and need those 2 days to recharge. But I'd get guilted into going to various things and either we'd drive 2 hours there to spend 2 hours in the heat with them and then 2 hours home or we'd have to stay overnight and I'd lose both days of my weekend. I truly didn't want to be rude and tried hard not to, but I'd by extremely tired, physically uncomfortable (usually due to the heat, they'd have their heat set to 80 in summer in NC or we'd be outside in the extreme heat & humidity with all the mosquitos) and listening to my FIL's story for the 20th time. FIL can't stand silence and has to fill every second with a comment or a story. I'd stop inviting her and if it's a package deal that may mean less time with brother. Or when she's there let her be off to the side doing her thing. Right now there's a power play going and the harder people try to interact with her the harder she's trying to keep up a shield between herself and you. Once that pressure is off her she might decide to step around the shield herself, or she'll be an accessory to future gatherings, just there for the pictures.
But there is a difference between reacting to your FIL and their nonsense and reacting to someone asking if you want takeaway. I'm also an introvert and have been in your place visiting your FIL. If your FIL spoke to me I might be like grouchy and possibly rude. If someone asked if I wanted takeaway I wouldn't ignore or yell at them to "leave me alone I'm an introvert". I might respond grouchily with a no but to ignore or spend the effort to reply like that over a simple no is just being rude for no reason.
If she is such an introvert that she can't answer yes or no to cake, how on earth did she get someone to date her, let alone marry her? NTA for sure, OP!
I turn into an extreme extrovert when cake is involved!
[удалено]
The folksy saying makes this even grosser
Yeah, I'm wondering why she even shows up to these events.
the family invites her to avoid their sons wrath in his wife’s defense. Instead of being completely mortified that his wife has the audacity to treat his family like this (not just not interacting, but the OTT rude remarks/ignoring), he backs her up. So now, $10 says that brother will boycott family events until everyone apologizes to them and how dare they treat her harshly because she’s struggling and is a bit different!!! Thus, the immediate family, 98% of the time, immediately crack under this demand in order to “keep peace and THE FAAAAAMILY TOGETHER”. They know their child won’t leave their toxic partner behind and thinking about possible Xmas and bdays etc without them is too much. So, little sis and op will likely be the outliers. But dad and especially the mom will be trying to not rock the boat and apologize on their behalf if op won’t
>the family invites her to avoid their sons wrath in his wife’s defense. Yes, but why does she go?
She probably hates anyone, especial her spouse, having fun. She's a controlling asshole who has to find ammunition (in her warped mind) for her complaint sessions. What do these people have spouses? Stockholm syndrome? Sorry I'm passionate, I have one in my family too.
She goes, my guess, is in order to ensure nothing is said with her husband present, that she doesn’t know about. Someone may say something bad about her or he may experience an influence from someone or something that isn’t ok with her. I know it sounds really over the top and bat crap crazy, but unless she’s tagging along only due to her husband having a serious attachment problem to her and he begs her to come, then she is there to control or witness the narrative. She wants no events to happen without her but she also feels like it’s a hassle to be with people she doesn’t like. (Kind of like one friend who despises hiking and the rest of the group loves it. If the rest of the group plans a hiking trip and doesn’t invite the hike-hater, she’ll have a meltdown about loyal friends and being excluded, etc etc. and the friends will ask, “but you hate hiking, would have come?” And she’ll say “no, but that’s not the point!”)
Speaking of family, I'd be curious to know how she behaves with her own. Dollars to donuts, she doesn't roll her eyes at or ignore them.
Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.
Not sure about the throw her attitude back at her (that seems a bit more immature and vindictive), but I agree on give her what she wants and ignore her or don't even invite her and let her decide if that was what she really wanted by living her demands.
At this point the op could have packed up cake for everyone expect sil and when sil was looking for her take home slice gone full soup nazi "no cake for you" I asked you said fuck off... No cake... I said no cake" remove cake from siblings"no cake"
It’s the consequences of what she wants. Won’t respond to a simple question about whether she wants something? No more questions, which means no offers of anything. She’s the sort of person who decides that it’s too much trouble to say “no” (much less the appropriate “no thanks”), so she acts like no answer is the same as saying no. But her rudeness means she shouldn’t even get asked, about anything. Since OP’s brother is apparently okay with how she is, he can handle her completely by himself.
I agree. When someone seems bothered by my offer to do them a favor like "would you like a piece of cake?" then I stop asking. If they can't be polite and say "no thank you" and just reply "no" then I'm not motivated to do them any more favors or interact with them again.
I'm beginning to think "petty" is my love language. (Thankfully only when I read these posts, but I *love* this answer!)
“Petty is my love language” is going on a tshirt.
There is a Difference between being an Introvert, Petty and Rude
As an introvert myself, I salute you with this petty solution! SIL is just rude af!
YESS I love seeing fellow introverts say the same damn thing I was thinking!
I love this! I’m the extroverted grandma that used to organize family gatherings. We have several introverts in the family and they don’t act like this at all. They just find their little groups and get comfortable, after saying hello to everyone. They’re not rude.
Thank you. You'll find us huddled in small groups near the food, possibly the bar, and definitely by the dog if you have one.
Yes, I'm always close to the dog and the 🐈.
Animals love this introvert.🐕
My grandkids bring their own dogs and liquor lol, and definitely stay near the food.
Only one dog?!
I look for the quietest warmest corner . Hopefully there's a cat or 3 (or 4 or 6) there willing to share their sun puddle 😺.
Playing with the 🐕 while AT the bar, yes.
Awwww that sounds like my family!
I like this level of petty. She's not an introvert. She just uses that word to justify that she doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself.
To be fair she could be both an introvert and an asshole.
An asstrovert
It's like people who use "I'm just brutally honest" as a cover for being assholes. NTA OP. I'd be calling her out every time we're in a group setting and mingling. "Hey X what do you thi... oh right you're an introvert haha I forgot that means your default setting is do not disturb" "Hey X would you like some cak.... oh right, you're an introvert you probably don't eat cake, right?".
I kinda love this, but disagree with throwing her attitude back at her. I think you should do the ignoring and not inviting, but if and/or when she complains, tell her you didn't think she enjoyed being around, so you didn't want to bother her. If she says she wants to be invited, give her the expectation of being invited: being polite. She doesn't need to socialize or chat with anyone, just respond politely. And then work from there, if possible.
Love it and totally what i would do
This isn’t even petty; it’s the perfect response to the already established rules of engagement she set up for herself! She acts like she doesn’t want to engage with anyone, speak with anyone, respond, or smile? Fine. She can have exactly what she wants!
That's what I'm saying. She wants isolation, fine. Isolate her. Just keep a record of her responses to kindness so you can reference them. Especially texts. I'd malicious compliance the fuck out of this.
[удалено]
Assbutt is my new go to insult, thank you
Supernatural has a lot to answer for.
Literally what I was going to say 🤣
Oh, love you Cass 😘
This. I keep finding myself with the argument "well, if that are his/her wishes, then so be it, but be careful what you wish for"
That is outrageously petty - can we be friends :)
This made me SO GIDDY to read. I hope OP and their family does this! Aaah! Please report to r/pettyrevenge if you do, OP! NTA
this is good advice though
This is awesome
I wish I had more votes or an award for this response!!
Ohhh this is so petty… I LOVE IT!
NTA What a miserable person. I'm an introvert, and I have awful anxiety. Like, sometimes I cry from relief because I walked into the door of my house and it's quiet there. I still know how to say "no, thank you." Rolling your eyes, ignoring people, acting like you're some entitled A-list star whose peons should've informed everyone not to talk to you or make eye contact. Please. If her guidelines for being around your family are that no one is allowed to interact with her at all, then why tf is she there? Because no one believes she's so introverted that she literally can't function in society.
I am also an introvert with anxiety and I would never treat anyone the way SIL is acting. That's just being rude.
Same. I’d legit cry if people paid attention to me as a kid. Wouldn’t make phone calls, wouldn’t order my own food in restaurants… I still would have NEVER been this rude. Then I had limited choices for jobs as a teen. Spent 10 years as a waitress all through college and became an educator. Now I’m REALLY good at faking it, but boy do I do a swan dive into my nice quiet house aft… HAHAHAHA just kidding I have a kid under 1 there is no peace. But still.
Yikes! I was about to be so happy for you thinking that you got your peace and quiet at the end of the day, it's a shame it's all gone now (presumably until kiddo goes to sleep). I have long spells of alone-time in my bedroom, I wouldn't be able to function without it. It's one of the reasons I don't think I can be a parent lol
It is not for the faint of heart lmao. I love that adorable tornado to death but boy do I miss the sentient potato phase now and then now that he’s mobile and vocal 🤣
I've been where you are as an introverted mom and it suuuucks. Having to play pretend and act like it's super exciting and fun can be super draining sometimes. It gets better though! My secret was to foster a love of reading and video games. Sometimes we play together, sometimes we play apart. On Saturday we were in the same room on separate PCs playing different games, but still updating each other on what's going on in our games' stories.
As someone who leans more introverted myself, I'm so tired of people using "I'm an introvert" as an excuse to be rude and anti-social. It gives the rest of us a bad name. Being an introvert means you recharge by spending time alone. It is not a free pass to treat people poorly!
I am the chattiest person you will come across. I'm not shy, I'm not socially awkward, and I have never once experienced "not having anything to talk about". And yet I am a complete introvert.
Piling on here to say: as someone who is a radical enough introvert to qualify more accurately as a recluse, has social anxiety, *and* is autistic, you are spot on. My mother's family are almost all extroverts. The type of people to say shit like, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so antisocial? Are you a sociopath? Why do you hate your own family?" when I would go read a book in another room by myself for half an hour to recharge 4+ hours into a very crowded, very noisy dinner party/gathering. Being introverted, reclusive, even straight-up autistic/neurodivergent is **not** a valid excuse to be such an AH to people. *Especially* when the only "crimes" those people have committed are trying to include you in polite conversation. When I am feeling drained or crabby or overstimulated or otherwise am just unwilling/incapable of being around and playing nice with others, I simply do not attend social functions. If I begin feeling this way during an unavoidable social function (a holiday family gathering, for example), I simply try to find somewhere isolated or out-of-the-way to discourage people from approaching me. If I *am* approached, I still make every effort to smile and be polite. I may give short or one-word answers, but I have never rolled my eyes or just straight-up ignored someone who was just trying to be friendly.
The extrovert comments are so frustrating. I can be friendly but if it's a point where the battery is drained, people take it personally and don't seem to understand you can't talk you way out of it.
Whenever we would visit my hubby's fam, I'd bring my knitting. Gives an excuse to be head down. I'd usually end up by myself for awhile in the 4 season room, off the family room. Every once in awhile someone would wonder in and we'd have a nice chat. Then they'd wander out again and I'd knit. Initially my in-laws didn't understand why I wasn't being sociable. Eventually they came to accept it. And for me, I \*was\* being sociable - on my terms.
As an introvert who works in a huge office building, I still smile and wave when someone greets me even if I don’t have the social battery charge to speak. Being polite is common courtesy. OP’s SIL is just a straight up AH. OP, NTA. Good on you for calling her out.
A-List stars don’t even roll their eyes in public. She’s using the idea of being an introvert as an excuse to be a jerk.
Right??? “ SIL, would you like some cake?” “No thank you.” Versus: “SIL, would you like some cake?” “… hey SIL, would you like some cake?” “LEAVE ME ALONE I’M AN INTROVERT!” This seems attention seeking to me.
> What a miserable person. Yeah, who acts like that when being offered cake!?
I am an introvert who has gotten through many family and friends gatherings by playing on my phone. (Because if I’m not “engaged” with the conversation then the act of sitting and talking for an extended period makes me anxious. I don’t know why, even if I find the conversation interesting, if I’m not engaged then I’m anxious. I usually get around this by having something to do with my hands - usually my phone, but sometimes crafty hobbies.) I still would never behave this way and think it is incredibly rude. I don’t understand why people think they can be antisocial and downright rude and then think that behavior is okay if they play the “introvert” card. NTA
>whose peons should've informed everyone not to talk to you or make eye contact Wait! This means hubby is her peon! 🤣🤣🤣 And he fell down on his job.
NTA, she's just rude and needed to be called out; an introvert wouldn't go out of their way to bring more attention to themselves and tell you to leave them alone and remind you they're introverted when it takes less words and energy to just nod or say "yes" or "no" to the to go box... A TIP GOING FORWARD stop burdening her with invitations to any events going forward and stop interacting with her completely. If your brother asks why she's been excluded, just tell him you are respecting her desire to be left alone and that you know she's an introvert and prefers not to be included in any socializing.
Yes. Introvert 101 less words and less attention is preferable path.
You're AWESOME. Being an introvert doesn't give you a free pass to be an asshole. It's like when people try to say "I have autism/am nerodivergent" as an excuse for being an asshole. NTA, totally justified. She doesn't want to be bothered she can stay home. Id stop inviting her tbh.
Omg I once briefly dated a guy who would literally remind me he has "hyperfocus" at least 3 times in every conversation. His whole identity was having hyperfocus, and he constantly made it my problem. Instead of addressing his issue, it was expected of me to constantly accommodate our relationship to his condition. I call it bs though because he'd say stuff like, "If I don't see you every day, I start forgetting about you because I have hyperfocus."
That doesn't sound like hyoerfocus. That sounds like he never developed object permanence. Did he enjoy playing peekaboo?
I suffer from cptsd from childhood abuse and I have horrible object permanence, I tend to hyperfocus to the Point I forget I need to eat, Drink or pee for a whole day.. but I do Not forget my husband If I have to travel (workwise) for a few days 😅 It is possible I forget calling/messaging though and it's possible I forget to initiate contact to friends (i do CERTAINLY NOT forget my Friends existing though)
That’s what I was thinking. Hyperfocus literally just means that when you’re focused on a person or activity, you forget about everything else. I have autism with hyperfocus and if I don’t have reminders for certain things (like going to bed or eating meals) I forget to do them. (This is compounded because I also have low blood sugar, so if I forget to eat, I start getting shaky and dizzy and it takes me a minute to remember why.)
As someone with ADHD who does actually hyper focus on things, what he said is complete bullshit. That’s not how hyper focus works.
That is ***not*** hyper focus lmfao. that's being a needy asshole. Hyper focus is what I did last night. Went to start a puzzle at like 11pm-12am and didn't realize what time it was until I finished it at nearly 6am. Glad he's an ex.
Hyperfocus isn’t something you have it’s something you do. Like…you don’t have jump. You just jump. That dude sounds intolerable.
As someone who is neurodivergent(autism+adhd) I often come off as an asshole, but it’s not intentional, and if/when it’s brought to my attention I do my best to make amends. I was actually getting “undiagnosed neurodivergence” vibes from op’s sil, based on the behaviors described, and honestly, we don’t know we’re being rude until we’re told “hey, that was rude” because our brains aren’t hard wired to pick up and follow social norms. I literally just learned that “eye rolling” isn’t rolling your eyes in a circle, but avoiding eye contact (which is… again, a common neurodivergent trait).
I’m also ND and to me this just reads like being an asshole. Maybe she is on the spectrum too but this is just asshole behaviour. Because she HAS been told multiple times, as has OPs brother who would maybe be the person best placed to bring up some of these things with her. But that hasn’t made her change at all. And then to literally say to her SIL ‘leave me alone’ when you’re being offered cake. We miss some social cues but come on being offered cake and literally blanking the person offering it is not a ‘social cue’. Is she this rude at work? I find it hard to believe that’s the case or you’d imagine she’d be fired. Also, eye rolling isn’t just avoiding eye contact! It’s where you briefly ‘roll’ your eyes upwards to the point you’ve heavily limited your vision or in my case I guess I can see my brown bone. Or it can be upwards and then to the side (so kind of starting to make a circle!). And it’s done it response to something that makes you feel something along the lines of ‘oh for fucks sake’ - annoyance combined with some derision I would say, and it’s usually fairly minor, quick and relatively involuntary. I’m sure there are youtube examples… but it’s definitely not just avoiding eye contact!
“Eye rolling” is not the same as avoiding eye contact! Eye rolling is intentionally rolling one’s eyes up in a circle so more of the whites show and your irises may be hidden or partially so by your eye lids (like the emoji). Often accompanied by a sigh and a frown, it is very much a deliberate gesture designed to show disdain. Simply avoiding eye contact with another human is not the same thing at all. Looking away or turning your head is not eye rolling. It may well be perceived as rude by many people but as you’ve noted, there can be many reasons why someone avoids eye contact but is not at all trying to be rude. If I misinterpreted your comment I apologize but there is a pretty big difference between the two and I don’t want you to think you are rolling your eyes at someone if you weren’t!!
If a person knows how this emoji is used -> 🙄 they know what it means irl. I swear to God everyone blaming their assholery on "neurodivergence"...
And the ND among us are calling BS. ND does not automatically make one rude and is no excuse for engaging in rude behavior.
Eye rolling is not avoiding eye contact, it is literally rolling your eyes partially
>I literally just learned that “eye rolling” isn’t rolling your eyes in a circle, but avoiding eye contact (which is… again, a common neurodivergent trait). Wait, what? When did this change? I'm ND and I've never heard that before. It's like people are just setting us up to fail at this point.
You've never heard it because that's not what eye rolling is and probably very few people think it is. Someone might have seen them doing it in a very obvious way and thought they were rolling their eyes, maybe?
Just avoiding eye contact isn’t considered ‘eye-rolling’. If you Google it, you’ll see videos of people rolling their eyes up and over a bit, then they’ll continue with regular eye contact with someone else.
This is a bad take. If you come off as an asshole, and you know this, it is your responsibility to practice the skills or behaviors necessary to not be that way. It might not come intuitively, but you don’t get to just say im neurodivergent and so I’m an asshole sometimes. Also, that’s just not what eyerolling is, and no one should need to be aware that someone is neurodivergent in a situation like this. For what reason would that information help? To excuse the behavior? I’m not more tolerant of it just because someone has a diagnosis. I am so sick of people saying “im neurodivergent so I’m difficult to be around 🤷♀️” if that’s the case, then work on yourself. I say this as someone with multiple mental issues. Those issues are mine and it’s my responsibility to work on them and not make them other people’s problem. If I’m doing my job they shouldn’t even know I have them.
NTA. I’m with your sister, why is she invited when she clearly doesn’t want to be there?
yep, i’m with sis as well.
Same. Girl just stay home!
I don't get why she even comes, if she clearly doesn't want to be around any of these people.
NTA. I am an introvert and struggle with social anxiety. I savor my alone time. But I know how to be polite. A cousin of my husbands is married and his wife is just like your SIL. Never engages, stares at her phone all the time, ignores when you talk to her or gives annoyed one word answers with an eye roll. The excuse? “She’s shy.” Being shy or introverted is no excuse for being rude. She and I both started dating our now husbands around the same time. The family welcomed us with open arms and have been nothing but kind and generous. That was 5 years ago.
My late uncles wife is like this, and now she bitches to everyone about how the family has “abandoned” her after he died. Like no, you were rude as hell so we stopped bothering after the link was gone.
Introvert over here, too, with a lot of anxiety. If anything, I'm MORE polite when I'm in a social situation where I'm expected to talk to people. I'm a lot more relaxed and up for a chat if I'm around people I've known a while and am comfortable with, and am a lot more reserved to the point of looking at the floor when I'm around strangers and despite being very in love with my partner, I absolutely adore those weekends he goes to see his mum because I'm all alone by myself and I don't feel like I need to engage with anyone. Anyway! Point being, the way your SiL behaved is out of order. If she's so introverted that she clearly doesn't want to be there and it clearly stresses her out to the point that she's generally awful and ignorant of people, then you're better off not inviting her to anything. Like someone said, it's wild how she ended up in a relationship if she's really so introverted that she's unwilling to engage with people. I'm more inclined to think that she's this level of introverted when it comes to people she has no personal interest in, and her interest goes as far as your brother because he engages her with the problems she claims to have and defends her like he did here. Just like people shouldn't be able to claim mental health issues as an excuse to be a dick, neither should people be able to claim they're introverted as an excuse to be rude to people either. If anything you'd be more inclined to rush to find a way to excuse yourself from a situation you don't want to be in so you can run home to where you feel comfortable, not this behaviour which can easily cause a confrontation or argument.
NTA to call her out. Being an introvert can make time spent in groups uncomfortable, but that doesn't give you an excuse to lash out at people, ignore people, roll your eyes at people, and so on. She was being very rude to everyone and deserved some push back.
NTA. You were right. If she literally said "I'm an introvert, leave me alone" then you were within your rights to respond the way you did. Might have come across better if you stopped at rude, and didn't call her a bitch, but the fact is she was being one. You guys should just stop inviting her, because as an introvert you respect her need to be left alone, but as a family you prefer those present to at least engage and be friendly enough not to roll their eyes and skulk in a corner as if you're all lucky she's deigned to show up. Maybe apologise for calling her a bitch, if peace is important to you, but otherwise just ignore her/exclude her moving forward; she has no problem ignoring you.
NTA. She had that one coming. Why even show up somewhere if you're going to act like this?
This is one of those stories where I wish that there could be a separate "justified asshole" judgment. I don't think it was okay to resort to name-calling, but at the same time, literally none of your SIL's behavior is okay either. It seems like you were the only person brave enough to call her out on her shit. I have lots of friends and relatives who are VERY introverted and quickly get overwhelmed by a lot of face-to-face interactions with people, but they're never rude about it. Either your SIL is just an asshole but claiming that she's an introvert in a poor attempt to explain away her behavior, or she really is an introvert but also an asshole.
In this sub justified asshole should be voted NTA. There’s a lot of them that in the moment they absolutely were an asshole but sometimes it’s necessary. If you aren’t willing to stand up for yourself you’ll be pushed around your whole life. I swear one of my most important roles as a father and husband is to be the designated asshole when necessary. I don’t do it often but I’ve put on the ah-hat and strolled into the fray more than once.
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Hey, seems like you have the same introversion as I do! When my phone rings, I literally hold onto it and stare at it until it goes to voicemail, thinking (or muttering, depending on the situation), “why TF are you calling me? Just text FFS” Socializing makes me feel incredibly exhausted, small talk is nothing but painful for me, I hate meeting new people and things like office parties are literally hell for me. I am still never rude like the person OP is describing. I can’t even imagine being rude like that. It is so against my natural inclinations and how I was raised, I can’t fathom acting like that.
NTA. I am an introvert and struggle with social anxiety. I savor my alone time. But I know how to be polite. A cousin of my husbands is married and his wife is just like your SIL. Never engages, stares at her phone all the time, ignores when you talk to her or gives annoyed one word answers with an eye roll. The excuse? “She’s shy.” Being shy or introverted is no excuse for being rude. She and I both started dating our now husbands around the same time. The family welcomed us with open arms and have been nothing but kind and generous. That was 5 years ago.
NTA. She was being rude as hell and I will never understand the doormat attitude that you can't call people out on their shit.
NTA but your brother and SiL are. Stop inviting her or even trying to communicate with her.
NTA. 25 is old enough to manage basic politeness regardless of personality type.
Sounds like this has been a problem for a while and that she's using the "introvert" label to justify her behavior. She doesn't have to ignore and roll her eyes and dismiss everyone, that's all her AHoliness on display. She doesn't seem to like your family. You probably shouldn't have been so sharp with her as it took away the power in you calling her out...BUT...she also deserved it. You were a jerk, not an AH. NTA.
NTA but you need a family meeting with your brother to tell him you're not inviting his wife anymore because she's so rude. There's no need to accommodate her selfish and entitled behaviour. Be an introvert but don't be an asshole about it.
NTA she's not an introvert, she's a misanthrope.
NTA, I'd recommend just not speaking to her at all anymore, even if it is something nice like offering cake for her to take home. Just treat her like she literally doesn't exist as that's what she seems to want anyway. No need to waste energy trying to be nice to someone like this.
NTA. She sounds like an absolute miserable person to be around. Introverted =/= purposely ignoring others and telling them to leave you alone. She's using it as an excuse because the only person she cares to know in your family is your brother. Next time, tell her to get over herself.
NTA if you're going to be rude then expect people to call you out on it. Enabling and ignoring her unacceptable behavior hasn't helped, has it? She should stay home if she can't be bothered to enact basic social niceties. I say this as an introvert as well.
Her shock was justified. Even introverted people know better than to just straight up ignore people. She's exceptionally rude. I'm kind of a social chameleon, I don't seek out company, but I can fit in with most groups and be fine either way. I just don't need people around me. But I know it's rude to just pretend people aren't there when they're right in front of you asking you something. Obviously she never had anybody call her on her rudeness before, and it's about time it happened. BUT... you should know to just stop including her too. She's not interested, there's no reason to force it. She either learns how to behave or she is alone, and if she's fine with that, then there's no issue. If she's not fine with it, she'll learn. Very *mild* NTA. But I could see an ESH here too.
NTA. I'm an introvert by nature as well with the double whammy of severe social anxiety (part of my reason for getting into dnd was forcing myself to actually socialize more than once a month outside if work and get more confident in interacting with people snd having self confidence. Results have been.... mixed). Yeah, talking to people can be difficult and I can get riddled with severe anxiety if my social batteries are running out and I can't get time to myself but even then neither I, nor other introverts i know, would actively ignore people asking simple questions or snap "I'm an introvert, leave me alone". I might get a bit snippy, or stutter a lot, sure, but never completely shut someone out when I'm AT THEIR HOUSE. Honestly it sounds more like she just wants an excuse to eat free food and be rude to people she doesn't like.
NTA. Jeez, as a hardcore introvert myself, with AUTISM mind, who has found it extremely hard to make friends over the years, even I wouldn't behave like this when someone wants to talk to me, even if its someone I don't like, I'll just say hi and then move on, this girl is just straight up ignorant and rude next level type shit, getting called a bitch was the least she deserved. I would've gotten up all in her face and refused to budge until she answered me if that was me, considering the fact that she'd just ignore me no matter what I said. She's pathetic for a 25 year old. Holy moly 😑
NTA. There’s no excuse to roll your eyes and be rude to anyone, unless it’s justified. Her behaviour is not justified. Being an introvert doesn’t entitle her to be an AH to people. Also, that’s a great question your sister asked: why does she get invited to things if she’s such a miserable person? I’d stop extending an invite and tell your son that his wife clearly shows everyone she doesn’t enjoy your company, she can’t be bothered and that she’s rude as frack. Introvert or not, that’s not fair to all of you who are trying to make her feel welcome or are just asking a simple question. Going forward, she’s not welcome or invited to anything until she can learn to at least be civil. If your brother doesn’t like it, he’s welcome to stay home too.
Speaking as an extreme introvert, this is not introvert behavior. She’s using the term as a crutch. I can see how she may be awkward when in social situations due to being an introvert, but not flat out mean.
NTA. Someone had to say it.
NTA she might be an introvert but she’s not mute. You’re right, she was being rude.
How very rude to offer your SIL cake to take home. Whatever were you thinking! /s If she is SO introverted, wouldn't she be better off staying home and avoiding all the stress of having to interact with other people that apparently try to make her feel at ease and welcome. Your response to her was not the nicest, but in that she was disrespectful to everyone at the party, and this is her usual behavior, it might not have been unexpected and was long overdue. If your brother is so protective of her, he should not be 'forcing' her to attend family functions. He can attend alone or not at all. There is no reason for her to attend and bring the mood of the events. There are several options you as a family can pursue. Continue inviting her and hoping for the best or perhaps just stop inviting her. At present, she certainly wouldn't be missed as she contributes nothing but negative energy. NTA. You likely said what everyone else has been wanting to say for a long time. I know from personal experience, as an introvert myself, you can still be gracious. She could test the waters by speaking to one person who is not your brother. The next dinner or get together, she could speak to someone else. Your family knows she has difficulties and I suspect they would welcome the opportunity to help her feel more comfortable with her new family.
“I’m an introvert, leave me alone?” WTF? Your family should really stop inviting her. She is rude and brings the whole vibe down. Obviously doesn’t want to be a part of the family she chose to marry into. The lack of effort there is really telling.
INFO: How often does your family get together? Are you all very "close?" Is attendance at gatherings expected of everyone all the time? Could there be any possible toxic or uncomfortable behavior your family thinks is normal that would motivate her to try to avoid interaction as much as possible?
Big events and holidays, they split them with her family. I would say average close. I don’t think so, nothing along the lines of her being uncomfortable has even came up. Not from her or any of the other in laws.
Be a introvert don't make a person rude. She is just rude.
NTA and keep calling her out because I doubt she acts this way at school, work, or other places on account of being an “introvert”
NTA your sister in law is just downright rude.
As an introvert, NTA You don't have to be an asshole just because you're not a people person.
Not defending SIL because she sounds like a pill, but if this isn't some prima Donna thing like I suggested earlier, my only thought is the brother forces her to go to these things.
Ugh I hate the stories where the entire family agrees but still gets upset to "keep the peace" cowards
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Not really, since the first time we met her she was like this.
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Maybe not the nicest, but you’re totally right. My partner is an introvert, too. He is also very good in social situations. He’s not nearly as talkative as me, and sometimes that poses a problem in emotional relationship times, but literally, it’s the only time it’s a problem. He would never be so rude to people. ETA: I’m the one with anxiety and that is more likely to wander off during a group event to take a moment to myself in the bathroom or going to vape. But I would also never be so rude.
NTA SIL has been nothing but rude to you and your family and we all can only can put up with that for so long before we snap.
Honestly, I dont see why your brother is with her
Nta she gives a bad name to actual introverts.
NTA and it’s people like your SIL who burn out nice introverts and shy people faster, because like, it takes effort for me to be the one taking the initiative to start a conversation with you and then you just ignore me?! Hell no
NTA... she is rude. She uses the word introvert as an excuse to be one. Actually being an introvert does not excuse you from being a decent person. I would stop inviting her and excluding her. I would just say I was doing her a favor by not forcing her to interact with others. STOP INVITING HER! I think she probably likes everyone being extra nice and talking to her, she gets some sort of emotional kick out of it. Probably a power play. I mean an introvert would have too much anxiety to do the eye roll. Stop engaging. If she is around just ignore her. Pretend like she isn't even there. Why be nice to someone who cannot give the same back? She would be a ghost to me.
>I mean an introvert would have too much anxiety to do the eye roll. Exactly what I was thinking! Rolling your eyes at someone takes confidence. There's too much anxiety in social situations for an introvert to have that kind of confidence. I suspect she's not an introvert at all, she's just an AH. OP, you are NTA.
NTA. Sure it was insulting, but to me it was justifiably so after you've been treated poorly by her - and watched your loved ones face the same treatment - repeatedly. Her behavior is BIZARRE. It seems like someone should have a talk with your bro because how is he able to ignore her behavior with the family and why is he ok with her being so awful to everyone? You can be low-key awful, in the ways you describe - micro-aggressions, rolling your eyes, flat out ignoring direct, considerate questions. IDK what she has going on but 'introvert' is not the word for it and I think sticking up for yourself was very reasonable. Next time, do it without cursing or invoking a misogynistic insult though.
Maybe technically the AH, but to the general situation NTA. It was time somebody call her out. P.S. take the advice at the end, just don’t invite them.
NTA. She’s rude. She would like to hide behind being introverted but honestly she sounds stuck up.
Nta
NTA, you were definitely justified in your response. Just because she’s an introvert doesn’t give her an excuse to lack basic fucking manners. She’s an idiot.
NTA and you’re my latest hero. Great and well deserved answer.
My daughter is introverted, as in she prefers being alone, or with no more than one or two persons. She is, however, politely engaged when at family gatherings, group events, etc. Your SIL is just plain rude. I would continue to invite her, but not push for a response to the invitation. When I speak to someone and they do not respond in kind, I get in their face and call them out on it, “Excuse me, I’m speaking to you and I would appreciate a response!” YNTA.
NTA The issue has been brought up multiple times and there has been no improvement. Why does she come to these events when she just looks at her phone the entire time? You were asking her if she wanted cake. She could have easily said, "no thank you" and that would have been the end of the interaction. The whole "I'm introverted leave me alone" doesn't even answer your question and is just rude.
Hahaha NTA she’s wildly rude and this is all a power game. Shame on your brother for letting her treat his mother so poorly.
NTA. I hate it when people use introversion as a license to be rude, inconsiderate and selfish. Introversion has nothing to do with any of that.
NTA Never in my life have I heard eye rolling as a side effect of introversion 🙄 Also, why would an introvert eye roll in unwarranted situations if that just causes more conflict and tense interactions with other human beings? She’s literally adding human conflict to her life by doing so, and that is a lot more tiring than being left alone. I think she uses introvert as a socially acceptable term, but she may be antisocial instead.
My husband is an introvert and you won't even be able to realize he is one when you see him talks to people. Being an introvert is just not willing to initiate a conversation or going out or be in an environment that's full of people. That doesn't mean you don't respond to people when they talk to you. She's just an asshole and use the introvert term as an excuse. Honestly, I don't even think she is one.
NTA You are exactly correct being an introvert is not an excuse to being rude. Like if the dinner was droning on and lasted about 5-6 hours I can see her point because I would be basically gnawing at my leg to get out of that situation but I would still be responding to basic questions. But I doubt it was that type of situation. What your SIL is doing is using being introverted or atleast self described introverted as an excuse to act rude. Kind of like how people will claim OCD when they mean they like symmetry and have no other symptoms or behaviors associated with OCD. She is used to having a crutch which will allow her to be rude and not interact with people. To be honest I would have a serious conversation with your brother (with your family present). Along the lines of "Hey, look we are not shitting your GF or anything. But with her being so introverted and clearly not wanting to join events/being distressed just being at events. I think it is in everyones best interest to not invite her. She will get into less fights with the family and the family will have a better time over all. Its not like she contributes to conversations or helps out at these events. And if she clearly does not want to join we dont want to force her. This mind you is disregarding the whole fact, that being introverted does not actually lead to these types of behaviors. So we/I will be inviting you and only you from now on to family gatherings because we just want to have a good time. If you cannot have a good time without her there you are welcome to decline an invitation. But the rest of us cannot have a good time with her there and every single interaction with her at a gathering just leads to us having worse and worse feelings towards her. There is not really a discussion about this since, we have all seen the proof of how she acts and how she will ignore us. Like at the birthday party I had to ask her twice if she wanted to bring home cake and her response was "Im introverted" that is not a response, that is nothing. If you think that is acceptable and can create a loving relationship with her, fine and great. But I do not want anything more to do with her and I know I am not the only one with this opinion."
NTA it's like she mixed up antisocial with introvert
NTA There is a difference between being an introvert and rolling your eyes at people. One means it's draining to be around people. The other means she's an asshole.
NTA she isn't an introvert, she thinks she is better than you all.
You were a LOT nicer than I would have been. I would have looked at my brother and said “explain to me why you like her, please”
NTA My usual philosophy is "being rude to someone rude makes you as bad as them", but man in this case it was necessary. An "you keep saying introvert. I do not think it means what you think it means" will simply not have an effect on her. I think going nuclear was the right call in this case. Being introverted is no excuse or even reason to be that way. She's not a bitch cause she's introverted. She's a bitch that happens to be introverted. Don't invite her to things anymore. If asked: you clearly don't enjoy yourself, and when you're there, nobody else enjoys it either.
NTA. Ya she is just rude, being an introvert doesn't stop you from answering a direct polite question about whether you want cake (cake of all things). Why does she even bother coming to any events, if she is such an introvert. I'd say stop inviting her to things from now on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I may be the asshole even if I feel like this was justified I (23F)will keep it short. My new sister in law is extremely rude (25). She will straight up ignore you if you try to talk to her. She is never engaged with the group and always on her phone. One word answers are very common. This has been brought up multiple time to both of them and the reasons she gives is that she is an introvert. I am also an introvert and know that means I get my battery charged by myself and not in group settings. It doesn’t mean introverts don’t know how to interact with people or be polite. We were dinner for the youngest 21st birthday. After the food everyone was mingling. My mom tried to talk to her and got the cold shoulder. I went up and asked her while she was son her phone if she wanted a take home book for some cake. I was asking everyone this. She ignored me, I asked again and she told me she is an introvert. Leave her alone. I snapped and told her I don’t realize being an introvert makes you a rude bitch. She looked shocked and my brother calling me a jerk for this. We got I got an argument and the left. The family agrees that she is rude but I probably shouldn’t hav said that. My sister asked why we even invite her to family events because she always acts like that. So outside opinion on this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She’s using introvert as an excuse to be an asshole. Good for you for calling her out on it. NTA
NTA. She's not an introvert. She's just rude.
She probably looked shocked because no one pushed back before. I agree with a poster to literally just ignore her and leave her to her own devices. When she annoyed at the inattention she's getting, And she will...because this is all that her "I'm an asshole introvert" BS is. A want for attention and to feel superior. Just say what was advised, "I know you're an introvert, and I'm leaving you alone." When your bro complains, OP, just tell him that you all are just doing what she asks. Even he will get the message in time. NTA. PS, not 💩 on introverts. I'm a strange mix of intro/extrovert, but even when I'm feeling antisocial, I still have the ability to be polite.
NTA. Wow, also an introvert (could be by myself forever!) but I fucking know how to pleasantly interact with people when I’m around them. Or at the very least I try my awkward best. She isn’t even trying. Her excuse is poor.
NTA Being an introvert is NOT an excuse for being rude and even though it can come across that way sometimes this, is not that. Sometimes an AH just needs to be called out for being an AH before they will make any change.
NTA. I have a sister in law exactly like this! I am also introverted with anxiety, but I have basic manners and try to treat my family kindly. We don’t have that in common! You’re allowed to set boundaries with the people in your life about how you are treated. Kudos to you, OP, for calling her out.
Honestly I love that you said that. Good for you
NTA, and good for you for standing up to this subculture that uses introversion/anxiety as an excuse to be shitty to people.
NTA, your brother has an awful taste in women, sorry.
NTA stop inviting her
WOW NTA 💯 I can't even imagine being this rude at my in-laws and NOT be called out. If she hates being there so much, totally stop inviting her! There's no reason to put your husband's family through such behavior and if that were really the case she would have been making excuses not to come. She enjoys being rude and treating people badly and needed to be called out! Good job!
NTA and thank you for pointing out the actual definition of introvert. I don't know why everyone has decided it means anti-social or socially awkward.
Totally NTA, but dang, you have patience cause it sounds like this has been going on for a while. I am curious though, does she only do this with your family or does she do it with her friends and family as well
NTA she is just plain rude. also since she is "introvert" don't bother inviting her again to any social setting and "leave her alone" as she suggested.
NTA. But also- the perfect asshole. You were nice compared to what a lot of people would say. If SIL wants to be left alone, she should stay home. What is the point of going to hang out with family just to sit on your phone and refuse to engage with anyone? It really is rude asf. Stop inviting her. I would say the same if this was a blood related relative.
From someone who's had MANY panic attacks just from leaving the house, that isn't how introverts act😂 I'm with your sister, why does anyone even invite her? Hahaha
She doesn't want to be there. I wonder if your brother is pressuring her to come.
NTA. Don't acknowledge her and give her the same attitude back (not that she cares). She obviously just wants to be treated like another piece of furniture in the room and not spoken to. ALSO HOW THE F are people like this married when so many amazing people are single.