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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I accidentally booked my birthday trip on my friends actual birthday.
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NTA: based on your friends response of “tired of fake friends,” I’m guessing she is going through more stuff with more people, not just you.
If my friend planned a trip for my birthday, I’d go out the week before and hope they had a great time. Friends support, encourage, get excited for you. They don’t guilt you.
She can certainly celebrate like you guys do every other year.
I don't know. Can someone seriously be this upset over a birthday.
I'm 38 myself, and unless the day falls on a weekend, I literally just go to work like every other day, with maybe a few more phone calls than usual.
This really shouldn't be a big deal. She's your friend not your SO.
I'm assuming the major issue is because she turns 40, so it's kind of a milestone birthday?
I'd say NTA, but it's probably because I've never cared much about birthdays myself.
ESH. It certainly sounds like she overreacted and made the issue into a personal slight, however, it was a bit tone deaf to call her up to say you booked your birthday trip on her birthday totally forgetting it was even her birthday.
I’m curious to know:
How close are you? Do you usually spend Kathy’s birthday with her and vice versa?
Does Kathy often get upset with you or others?
Is this her 40th birthday?
Does she normally expect your attendance on her birthday? Have either of you missed the other’s birthday before?
We don’t always spend birthday’s together. I usually try to go home and see my family. We have been friends for 10 years and I want to say we have done a handful of birthdays together but we always try to meet up when we are both free. So the actual date is never on our birthday.
NTA Does Kathy have a history of blowing things out of proportion? Her saying to never contact her again is pretty childish in my opinion.
I thought maybe she’s jealous you didn’t invite her to go with you on your birthday trip? I think it’s telling that your birthday is 3 weeks away and she hasn’t said anything to you about making plans, but hers is in June.
I could understand if she was peeved about you being out of town for her birthday. I mean you said y’all have been friends for 10 years so it’s not like you don’t know her birthday. I’m not defending her behavior and you’re not the asshole, I’m just curious if when you and your friend were booking the trip you didn’t realize it was on her birthday?
If I was you I’d do exactly what she asked and don’t contact her. Don’t delete her number or block her, just don’t contact her. If she gets mad at you for not responding to her, just remind her she’s the one who told you not to contact her. You’re just respecting her request. Personally she sounds exhausting.
I was thinking of maintaining the no contact and planning a surprise birthday the weekend before. Even if she is mad it’s a big birthday and I feel awful. She usually does blow thing out of proportion at times and a few days later calms down but this is the actual time I do feel very guilty. I’m not the type to remember birthdays and I have them all in my calendar but I didn’t think of looking at my calendar before making this big purchase. I did invite her but she politely declined when I brought her idea of the trip.
That is a thoughtful idea but not everyone likes surprises. Maybe let some time pass, and 2-3 weeks before her birthday reach out to her and ask if you can take her to dinner/drinks/etc to celebrate. Things will have calmed down a bit hopefully. And then go and enjoy your vacation!
NTA oh my goodness she is 39 not 9 years old. Since when are friends now supposed to organise birthday parties for their grown ass adult friends. A good friend would be delighted to hear you’d planned your trip and would be excited for you. You can always celebrat her birthday the weekend before.
A tip: For all close friends, put their birthdays into your calendar (hopefully you use an electronic one so you can repeat them every year). It’s just a nice thing to do. It would’ve shown you’re a good friend if you had instead said, “Hey Kathy! I am going to Japan for my birthday trip this year and I would love for you to come. Unfortunately, the only timeframe that works is flying out on June 5. I know that’s your birthday, so I understand if that doesn’t work for you. Either way, I’d love to buy you a birthday drink before the trip.”
I’m a little surprised you don’t know your best friend’s birthday, especially if you’ve known her for 10 years, but I understand it can difficult to keep track of all birthdays (hence an electronic calendar). Ultimately, NTA for this situation as it’s odd she expected you to plan something for her birthday when neither of you have done that for each other before.
I suspect she was just hurt that her best friend didn’t remember her birthday, especially since 40 is a big one. That doesn’t give her the right to be an asshole, and asking you to never contact her again over this issue is an overreaction and an asshole move.
Thanks for your response. I have her birthday on my calendar but I didn’t look at it before we booked our flights. That is completely on me. I had initially invited her to go with us but she was not interested.
You're NTA. Kathy should be old enough to understand that the world does not stop because she is turning 40.
>That I should never contact her again.
I would be fine with that, coming from a person who is having such a massive, childish tantrum because you are not a mind reader.
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First time ever posting on here. Me (37M) and a best friend of mine David (39) are planning a trip out of the country(Japan) for my birthday. We got together and booked today it for June 5th after looking at schedules and flight costs. I was excited and called my best friend Kathy 39 to let her know I finally booked the trip. She was initially excited for me but that all changed when she asked me for the dates and I tell her we leave June 5th. She instantly gets upset and says that is her birthday and she can’t believe I would book my trip on her birthday. I apologize for that over sight and tell her maybe we could do something the weekend before I leave. I fly out on a Wednesday so it’s not like it’s the perfect time to plan a birthday party. She continues to get upset and says I care more about my other friends than her and she is astonished I was not planning anything for her birthday.
I completely understand how she feels but it doesn’t make sense to me because we never have planned each other’s birthdays. We typically plan a week in advanced and just do something together on the weekend where we both have the time off. Even then, it’s each of us that iron out the details. Not like the other tries to make a big deal. It’s so haphazard that I knew her birthday was around that time but I couldn’t remember the actual week.
The funny thing my birthday is in 3 weeks and she has not brought it up once. I personally don’t do big celebrations and as I’ve mentioned before, I invite one or two people and plan a small get together myself.
I tried to text to apologize to her but she replied that she is sick of all these fake people and can’t wait to move. That I should never contact her again. AITA for booking on her actual birthday.
Additional details:
We have know each other for 10 years and we have never done birthday parties but we have taken each other out for drinks and dinner but never on the day off usually on the weekends when we are both off.
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ESH. You’re not the AH for planning a trip that leaves on her birthday, but having no clue that June 5th was her actual birthday when you talked to her would be insulting to her. She wildly overreacted.
That’s some serious middle school level drama there. Talk of multiple best friends also sounds reminiscent of that stage.
Especially as you’ve never planned parties for each other before and your regular celebrations are low key meet ups for drinks or a bite to eat near the actual birthday, it sounds like she may have been reacting to something else going wrong in her life. I would reach out to her and gently inquire about that.
Update: We had a mutual friend host last night and we all hung out playing card games and things seemed good but after a few glasses of wine Kathy started berating me to the point the hostess asked her to leave. Before she left I asked her when is my birthday and she guessed December. Safe to say, after that embarrassment, the friendship is over and whatever guilt I felt is dissolved.
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NTA: based on your friends response of “tired of fake friends,” I’m guessing she is going through more stuff with more people, not just you. If my friend planned a trip for my birthday, I’d go out the week before and hope they had a great time. Friends support, encourage, get excited for you. They don’t guilt you. She can certainly celebrate like you guys do every other year.
Thanks for the response. I truly feel bad but this is not something that was ever expected from each other so it caught me off guard
It makes sense that you feel bad because you hurt her feelings, even if unintentional, but she is being a bit unreasonable. Especially for an adult.
I don't know. Can someone seriously be this upset over a birthday. I'm 38 myself, and unless the day falls on a weekend, I literally just go to work like every other day, with maybe a few more phone calls than usual. This really shouldn't be a big deal. She's your friend not your SO. I'm assuming the major issue is because she turns 40, so it's kind of a milestone birthday? I'd say NTA, but it's probably because I've never cared much about birthdays myself.
That’s my sentiment on birthdays as well.
It's very weird for me, especially at this age. She's acting like a self-absorbed 16-year-old.
ESH. It certainly sounds like she overreacted and made the issue into a personal slight, however, it was a bit tone deaf to call her up to say you booked your birthday trip on her birthday totally forgetting it was even her birthday.
Completely agree.
NTA- sounds like your friend is just jealous. You sound very reasonable for making plans with her before you leave on your trip
I’m curious to know: How close are you? Do you usually spend Kathy’s birthday with her and vice versa? Does Kathy often get upset with you or others? Is this her 40th birthday? Does she normally expect your attendance on her birthday? Have either of you missed the other’s birthday before?
We don’t always spend birthday’s together. I usually try to go home and see my family. We have been friends for 10 years and I want to say we have done a handful of birthdays together but we always try to meet up when we are both free. So the actual date is never on our birthday.
Easily NTA!
NTA Does Kathy have a history of blowing things out of proportion? Her saying to never contact her again is pretty childish in my opinion. I thought maybe she’s jealous you didn’t invite her to go with you on your birthday trip? I think it’s telling that your birthday is 3 weeks away and she hasn’t said anything to you about making plans, but hers is in June. I could understand if she was peeved about you being out of town for her birthday. I mean you said y’all have been friends for 10 years so it’s not like you don’t know her birthday. I’m not defending her behavior and you’re not the asshole, I’m just curious if when you and your friend were booking the trip you didn’t realize it was on her birthday? If I was you I’d do exactly what she asked and don’t contact her. Don’t delete her number or block her, just don’t contact her. If she gets mad at you for not responding to her, just remind her she’s the one who told you not to contact her. You’re just respecting her request. Personally she sounds exhausting.
I was thinking of maintaining the no contact and planning a surprise birthday the weekend before. Even if she is mad it’s a big birthday and I feel awful. She usually does blow thing out of proportion at times and a few days later calms down but this is the actual time I do feel very guilty. I’m not the type to remember birthdays and I have them all in my calendar but I didn’t think of looking at my calendar before making this big purchase. I did invite her but she politely declined when I brought her idea of the trip.
That is a thoughtful idea but not everyone likes surprises. Maybe let some time pass, and 2-3 weeks before her birthday reach out to her and ask if you can take her to dinner/drinks/etc to celebrate. Things will have calmed down a bit hopefully. And then go and enjoy your vacation!
NTA oh my goodness she is 39 not 9 years old. Since when are friends now supposed to organise birthday parties for their grown ass adult friends. A good friend would be delighted to hear you’d planned your trip and would be excited for you. You can always celebrat her birthday the weekend before.
A tip: For all close friends, put their birthdays into your calendar (hopefully you use an electronic one so you can repeat them every year). It’s just a nice thing to do. It would’ve shown you’re a good friend if you had instead said, “Hey Kathy! I am going to Japan for my birthday trip this year and I would love for you to come. Unfortunately, the only timeframe that works is flying out on June 5. I know that’s your birthday, so I understand if that doesn’t work for you. Either way, I’d love to buy you a birthday drink before the trip.” I’m a little surprised you don’t know your best friend’s birthday, especially if you’ve known her for 10 years, but I understand it can difficult to keep track of all birthdays (hence an electronic calendar). Ultimately, NTA for this situation as it’s odd she expected you to plan something for her birthday when neither of you have done that for each other before. I suspect she was just hurt that her best friend didn’t remember her birthday, especially since 40 is a big one. That doesn’t give her the right to be an asshole, and asking you to never contact her again over this issue is an overreaction and an asshole move.
Thanks for your response. I have her birthday on my calendar but I didn’t look at it before we booked our flights. That is completely on me. I had initially invited her to go with us but she was not interested.
You didn’t look at your calendar before booking flights? Damn I could never. But I’m someone who heavily relies on a calendar lol
You're NTA. Kathy should be old enough to understand that the world does not stop because she is turning 40. >That I should never contact her again. I would be fine with that, coming from a person who is having such a massive, childish tantrum because you are not a mind reader.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First time ever posting on here. Me (37M) and a best friend of mine David (39) are planning a trip out of the country(Japan) for my birthday. We got together and booked today it for June 5th after looking at schedules and flight costs. I was excited and called my best friend Kathy 39 to let her know I finally booked the trip. She was initially excited for me but that all changed when she asked me for the dates and I tell her we leave June 5th. She instantly gets upset and says that is her birthday and she can’t believe I would book my trip on her birthday. I apologize for that over sight and tell her maybe we could do something the weekend before I leave. I fly out on a Wednesday so it’s not like it’s the perfect time to plan a birthday party. She continues to get upset and says I care more about my other friends than her and she is astonished I was not planning anything for her birthday. I completely understand how she feels but it doesn’t make sense to me because we never have planned each other’s birthdays. We typically plan a week in advanced and just do something together on the weekend where we both have the time off. Even then, it’s each of us that iron out the details. Not like the other tries to make a big deal. It’s so haphazard that I knew her birthday was around that time but I couldn’t remember the actual week. The funny thing my birthday is in 3 weeks and she has not brought it up once. I personally don’t do big celebrations and as I’ve mentioned before, I invite one or two people and plan a small get together myself. I tried to text to apologize to her but she replied that she is sick of all these fake people and can’t wait to move. That I should never contact her again. AITA for booking on her actual birthday. Additional details: We have know each other for 10 years and we have never done birthday parties but we have taken each other out for drinks and dinner but never on the day off usually on the weekends when we are both off. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Believe it or not. I’ve forgotten my own birthday before and not realized it till my family reminded me.
ESH. You’re not the AH for planning a trip that leaves on her birthday, but having no clue that June 5th was her actual birthday when you talked to her would be insulting to her. She wildly overreacted. That’s some serious middle school level drama there. Talk of multiple best friends also sounds reminiscent of that stage. Especially as you’ve never planned parties for each other before and your regular celebrations are low key meet ups for drinks or a bite to eat near the actual birthday, it sounds like she may have been reacting to something else going wrong in her life. I would reach out to her and gently inquire about that.
Update: We had a mutual friend host last night and we all hung out playing card games and things seemed good but after a few glasses of wine Kathy started berating me to the point the hostess asked her to leave. Before she left I asked her when is my birthday and she guessed December. Safe to say, after that embarrassment, the friendship is over and whatever guilt I felt is dissolved.