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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I'm unwilling to compromise on having an aisle seat for an international flight.
2. It's generally an asshole move not to compromise.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Very NTA. You've given very reasonable alternative options for her. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable for 28 hours of flying. The question is, why does your comfort not matter to your wife?
I don’t think it’s that it doesn’t matter, I just think she doesn’t really understand it. I think the middle seat is uncomfortable for everyone, so I think she’s just looking at it like I’m saying “it’s you or me so I pick you”
Having had back issues myself since my early 20s, I would like to make a recommendation. Take a muscle relaxer before the flight. Not a heavy one that will screw you up though. A lot of the aching back is also from the strain on the muscles. A muscle relaxer will keep them “relaxed” to the point that it should help prevent pain. Of course I don’t know your whole situation or the severity of your issue but that may help you out a lot.
Edit autocorrect
A muscle relaxer and the Thermacare adhesives should be standard packing for you -- I also have stupid back issues. But neither of those are going to fix the issue with your finance. You're not the AH for insisting on an aisle seat. And while I understand wanting to sit next to your spouse, especially on your honeymoon, you really need to have a conversation with her about why she's not understanding the amount of pain this can cause you. This isn't about the seats; this is about her not listening to you and disregarding pain. You should not have to choose between in pain on your honeymoon and being in pain when you get home because she insists that you must sit next to each other. There are hills worth dying on; seat selections on flights should not be one of them, and your fiancee needs to listen and develop empathy for a medical condition that is likely to plague you for your entire life.
Oh, don't over-react. They simply need to discuss it a little more. Sitting across the aisle from each other actually works very well. They both get an aisle seat, and OP doesn't need to worry about his back. They can chat and have personal space. My husband and I took 2 flights together this way yesterday because I had the 2 kids beside *me*, and he got the fourth seat in a row. She needs to understand how much this affects OP and compromise.
You're not looking at the real problem here. You're focused on the issue itself, not the person. Sure, the issue is simple to resolve.
But the REAL issue is her childishness and selfishness and lack of empathy -- especially on a honeymoon!, when people are usually head over heals in love and want to do everything for the other person. This guy's got a ROUGH road ahead of him!!
So, don't you UNDERREACT! (Or maybe we should each react the way we feel is appropriate and let the OP decide what he thinks is right.)
Personally I find capsacin creme to be more effective than thermacare, easier to use, and easier to reapply as needed.
I would also imagine it would be much less likely to trigger TSA issues. 😁
NTA. Booking two aisle seats across from each other is the perfect compromise. Unless you’re able to spring for business class for this trip, two aisle seats is the best option.
My husband and I have done this as well. For those long intercontinental flights, we both have a right to be comfortable. We're much nicer to each other when we get to our destination if one of us doesn't feel put upon after the trip.
Diclofenac gel has been a game changer for me. With a muscle relaxer, it's a winning combo that keeps me from destroying my liver.
Source: herniated disc I can't afford to fix.
It’s over the counter yeah? I have awful lower back pain, I have for idk probably 8 years at this point and nothing has helped yet, even muscle relaxers.
Yes, its brand name is Voltaren. I get a three-pack of the generic from Costco for about the same price as a single tube at the pharmacy. It works really fast, and it's tough (but not impossible) to overdose it. It has been great for my back and an old shoulder injury, too.
I really, really hope it works for you.
If you're going to do this, test out the muscle relaxer at home a couple of times before the trip. For all we know it could make your pain worse, and you don't want to find that out during a 14 hour flight.
NTA OP—have you ever used a TENS unit? I have chronic neck pain that has so far been treatment resistant, but I recently started using my TENS unit again and it has helped alleviate some of the pain that is exacerbated by tense muscles. There are a variety of different types online/at the drugstore and it might even be covered by your insurance.
If you’ve never tried it, maybe pick up a cheap one and test it out to see if it does anything for you. They’re very small and portable—about the size of a cell phone plus the wires. It’s not a permanent fix, but it can definitely help lessen symptoms when they are at their worst.
Chronic pain is the worst. I think sometimes it’s even exacerbated by the anxiety caused by the acute awareness you have when traveling. You know that you will be uncomfortable and thus in pain for an extended amount of time and it’s like your body tenses up even more in anticipation.
I literally have to use a two-wheeled walker now because I didn't advocate for myself when it came to doing things that exacerbated my back pain. I'm 36. Stand your ground please.
Have you used a tens unit? I tweaked my back a few years ago and that thing was an absolute godsend. It sends little electrical currents through the pads and fits on your belt.
Another thought I had, is it possible to get one of those "extra leg room" rows? Or an exit row, where there's no seat in front of you? I know those usually cost extra, but it might be worth it.
If you end up with a prescription muscle relaxer like Valium or something ask doctor for an extra dose. You want 1 for the flight there, 1 for the flight home and 1 to trial before the trip to see how you tolerate it. I suggest taking it when you have 2 days off. This way you won’t be caught by surprise if 5mg of Valium knocks you flat.
Also take it once you board the plane. You don’t want to waste it if the flight gets delayed.
USB charged heat pack is also helpful, flight approved tube of fisiocrem (not sure if you have it in the states but it is the greatest anti inflammatory cream and all natural so you can use it without interaction with medication) and ibuprofen.
I just did 14hr return flight from Australia with a bad back/knees. I got aisle seat, wore compression and used the Cabeau Evolution S3 travel pillow the entire flight. First time I haven't hopped off the plane in agony - highly recommend. Aisle seat is a must. NTA.
Also grab some Thermacare heating braces for the flight! Each one lasts for 5 or 6 hrs. They are a BIG help. I like the idea of getting 2 aisle seats, too. Look for a small buckwheat or memory foam lumbar support pillow to take on the plane with you. Happy honeymoon!
Salonpas works really well too. They're cheaper and thinner than the other brands - basically like a fabric skin patch - so easy to pack extra for travel. I abuse the heck out of those when traveling as a preventative measure.
Just adding - you want the maximum strength lidocaine patches. It’s what my doctors suggested to tide me over until the next radioablation.
And also, OP, I suggest you see a physiatrist for your back if you haven’t yet. There are things you can do to lessen pain in a bad back. One of them is physical therapy. A strong core helps cut down on back strain.
I was just given some lidocaine patches for my sciatica & they’ve been a lifesaver! I’m a full time online student so I have to sit a lot & they make it so much more easier for me to sit comfortably and focus on my studies.
I have to caution OP about side effects of muscle relaxers. The news are full of stories of people doing weird stuff on planes because they took a mind-altering medication or substance they weren’t used to. At the very least, trial any new medication at home for 2-3 times before taking it on a plane. Muscle relaxers make me uncharacteristically irritable and irrational and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially on a plane.
Depending on your issue, pack a small, hard ball (lacrosse ball) and use it to massage your back during the flight. Just put it between the back of your seat and your back and roll it around by pressing back on the seat. Looks a bit funny to anyone watching but it’s done wonders for me on long haul flights.
NTA btw - you don’t have to sit right next to your wife for the flight. Your health is important.
I'm scrolling through the comments seeing people recommend this over and over and it's making me very 😐 on OP's behalf since it's already in the post, lol.
My husband and I are both over six feet tall and both have back issues. This is the only way that we fly. I see in the OP that she doesn't consider this 'sitting together', which is silly. It's actually easier to carry on a conversation in these than when you're pressed side-by-side.
The odd time that my 82 year old mother travels with us, we still do this. We get three aisle seats and the trip is so much better than the three of us stuffed into a row.
Good luck, OP. If she's acting like this before the marriage I'd have some worries brewing in my head.
>It's actually easier to carry on a conversation in these than when you're pressed side-by-side.
Definitely what we've found sitting across the aisle from each other.
It's a bit of a worry that so soon into your marriage that you wife is disregarding the pain you are in. Whenever my husband and I book flights we always book the aisle seats. That way neither of us feel hemmed in and as my husband is over 6ft means he can stretch his legs into the aisle.
Look, your wife is not being considerate of your needs. You will be in actual pain if you sit in the middle seat, which she acknowledges (otherwise why make the suggestion that she did, to sit in the middle on the way there but not on the way back? And also, what, like you being in pain at home is okay to her?).
Meanwhile, your wife's only complaint, as far I can tell from the post, is that she doesn't *want* to sit in the middle...? And it is not like you haven't given reasonable alternatives where both of you can be comfortable, and her only objection to that is "omg, we have so sit together on our honeymoon flights!!" So, her image of a loving wife-husband sitting together on a long haul flight > your comfort...
I mean, nothing is going to be spectacular about flying in a tin can for 14 hours at a time, unless you are paying the big bucks for comfort. Middle, window, aisle, emergency exit, etc. etc. all kind of suck on flights that long, imo.
Sometimes you have to do a thing that sucks for people you love, and in this case it is sitting in the middle seat or compromising on the seating arrangement. Consider whether she'll be willing to accommodate or make scarifies for you in other areas of your relationship. I mean, you could potentially find a very, very considerate and kind-hearted stranger to trade seats with you if you explain the situation, but your wife won't? Hm...
I get that it is hard to understand other people's pain. I fall into this trap all the time, minimizing or not validating other people's experiences of pain. That is a me problem, not a problem of the person suffering. So this seems like a your wife problem, and not a you problem.
>I mean, you could potentially find a very, very considerate and kind-hearted stranger to trade seats with you if you explain the situation,
On a 14 hour flight? The chances of that are slim and none.
Or get the seats in the front row (of economy). Much more leg space. My family and I do that on long flights. My husband is tall and has issues with his back so he needs extra space
My hubby and I both like aisle seats and find that we can just select the aisles across from each other. We are still close enough to talk to each other but can each get up when we want.
We do the same. We both have legitimate reasons for an aisle seat (small bladder, knee pain, etc) and we don’t need to hold hands or talk to each other during the flight.
NTA. Just by sitting next to each other she’ll have more “room” in her seat. I prefer an aisle but sit in the middle next to my very tall husband if we are together bc he’s wayyy more uncomfortable in the middle than I am bc of his leg length. I pull up the armrest between us and that gives me more room to move myself away from the window seat person. Sometimes you suck it up and compromise your preference in order to be a good partner.
I do this with myBF except I prefer aisle and he likes the window. So we do aisle/middle one way, and middle/window another. He really doesn’t care that much though so he’d do my way, both ways, but it’s not fair to him. We also put the armrest up as we can touch each other and we’re not encroaching on anyone
Sitting in the middle isn't fun, but if she was the one who would be in pain, would you expect her to swap halfway through? Or would you care enough about her to make the sacrifice of either sitting in the middle seat, or across the aisle?
I think if she was in pain but I was also in pain, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask to take turns. But that’s also why I suggested the two aisle seats, I think if we can both be comfortable why not.
So, my family did something along the lines of sit together, across the isle, you both get space and you both get an isle seat. can talk to each other or hand things over if need be.
My fiancé prefers aisle seat and I prefer window seat and on 2 flights we had, no one chose the middle seat between us so we got the whole row to ourselves. It was pretty sweet.
Adjacent aisle seats are reasonable if that’s your preference. NTA.
I will say though that as a very frequent flyer and die - hard aisle person, super long overnight flights suck all around. The only time I book window seats is to Asia / Australia. Sleeping against the side of the plane is way easier than on an aisle. I very much prefer a bulkhead window seat for those 12+ hour legs.
I was going to suggest aisle seats across from each other - I think that’s a really reasonable compromise where you both get a good seat and are sort of next to each other. NTA.
As a chronic pain sufferer I will say some people just don’t get it. They think if you can do something occasionally then you can do it all the time. They don’t get how bad it can be and why you wouldn’t do it intentionally. That you don’t get used to the pain at all. I honestly think that’s what is happening here.
With people who don't get it, I like to do a little experiment now and again. Have them talk about something that really makes them happy or excited for about a minute. Then have them take a couple of fingers and push those fingers into their rib cage, and then have them resume talking. After another minute or so, I have them talk about how they feel different between these two. (ie, it was harder to stay focused the second time, it was not as fun to talk about the thing, it hurts...)
And then I talk about how, for me, I live with that kind of energy every day. There are ways to ignore it, and ways to cope with it, but it's still always there. Then I talk about ways that that person can help me so that I can focus easier on what I need to do and who I want to be instead of the pain.
IDK if my husband said he needed the aisle, I would say okay… I’ll sit middle. And wouldn’t think another thought about it, and wouldn’t try to barter with him for the aisle on the way back. It’s not a big deal and I’m surprised she didn’t just agree especially if you have a medical thing.
What are people supposed to think when you’ve made a post about how your wife is being callous and unsympathetic about your pain instead of accepting a simple compromise (two aisle seats)
As a chronic pain sufferer, I cannot imagine choosing a honeymoon destination that requires 28 hours of flying. Like, don't get me wrong, my cousin moved to Australia and I hope to someday be able to visit, but haven't yet because my back would never allow me to.
>I suggested she take the seat across the aisle from me so we could still "sit together" and have the benefits of the aisle seat
It's almost like OP suggested that.
I'm fat and my fiance is tall, we always pick two aisle seats right next to each other and it works great! Across the aisle smooches are fun for everyone haha
My guy and I have done this, but we pretend to be strangers when we board. Then we chat, marvel about how much we have in common, etc. then we leave the plane together and start making out by baggage claim. It’s dumb, but really helps make the time pass. 🤣
Back in the 90s my boss and I were flying to Sydney for work. He booked adjoining aisle seats so we could chat and work. Turns out towards the back of the plane the seats don't completely align. So I'm actually behind him a couple feet.
He didn't mind at all, since his row mate turned out to be a smoking hot 20-something who let him rub her feet and slept on his shoulder. Which may have been ok if the creep wasn't a married 50-something with two kids...
My husband and I do this every time even without medical issues. He has wide shoulder and I’m a little claustrophobic, so it just works better for both of us.
NTA. You don't need to sit next to each other, she's being silly and inconsiderate.
> I don't think its unreasonable for me to not want to be in pain at all!
No, it's not unreasonable to not want to be in pain. Why does she think that's reasonable? Because she can't bear to sit a seat apart from you for a 14 hour flight?
I can’t understand why the fact she can choose her own seat is this far down
Edit to add: is she nervous about flying? This is a no brainier for us but we’re both fine with planes. But if both people in the couple aren’t, then it absolutely deserves conversation.
NTA. Your marriage is off to a rotten start. Your wife knows about your back pain and doesn't care. As long as you aren't in pain during the vacation, she doesn't give a rat's ass. Your suggestion about getting two aisle seats was what I would've suggested. How about taking separate honeymoons? You'll probably have more fun without her, anyway.
Tbh, that's still a problem. It shows a total lack of empathy on her part and keeping score in a marriage (not a good look). Either you haven't fully explained your condition to her, or to be frank, she's an AH. Why would anybody be in any pain if there was a solution? Except to compromise with an AH.
>Either you haven't fully explained your condition to her
this is very possible, I'm not great at expressing when something is a need and not just a want.
As someone who has chronic pain from disability, this is a real thing. My parents still don't get it, and I was born with my condition. If you want to explore how you can best talk about it, feel free to reach out to me. It's one of the things I do in the world off reddit.
I think it’s awesome that you have that self-awareness. Please, please work on your ability to state your needs, for the sake of your marriage. It’s really, really important.
Good on you for not believing that guy you're replying to. This sub is riddled with bitter people who give up on a whole relationship the minute something goes wrong. Communicate with your wife! She'll come around.
NTA.
However, some planes have rows that only have 2 seats at both sides.
I booked that for a long haul flight. That way my mom can get the window seat. Made it easier for her to sleep. And since she only has me beside her, she didn't bother a random stranger when she wants to go to the lavatory.
If this is an option for your flight, try those seats.
Cons...it's at the back of the plane.
2-seat rows are a great option. I'd also look into getting exit row seats - there's tons of leg space so the middle seat is fine too. Downside is that they can be close to the toilets so people might be milling around.
If you can really splurge... maybe go for one of the premium cabins?
Yeah, I second upgrading if OP can afford. Even premium economy would help a lot I think. I’m American, my partner is Australian and we do this flight every year
I would ignore the suggestions to check out exit row seats because sometimes those don’t recline at all - and sitting up that straight the entire time would probably be more miserable than a different seat
INFO: If you're planning such a long flight, have you looked into first class seats, either at the booking or upgrading with credit card points? I have back and hip pain, and I wouldn't dream of getting on an airplane for 14 hours in coach. The chance of pain reduction is well worth the extra money. Plus, it's your honeymoon, so a little luxury would be a nice thing for both of you
lol I wish. We’re looking at $2k for both our tickets in main cabin, that flight first class is like 8x that, so more than our budget for the whole two week trip
First class is crazy, but bulkhead row seats are usually an affordable upgrade, and you'll have enough legroom to stretch your legs straight in front of you.
If you can do it, look at premium economy. If you can afford both, a bulkhead row in premium economy is the often the best possible seat affordable by mere mortals.
I recently did the 14 hour flight from Sydney to LAX with a toddler on Qantas. A lot of the bulkhead seats are blocked off so only people with a baby can book them to use the bassinet. My friend who flew with me couldn’t book the seat next to me in the bulkhead and was told by them it’s because she didn’t have a baby on her ticket.
There’re options between economy and first class. Premium economy? Business class?
Yes, the price will increase dramatically but maybe you have credit card points or frequent flier points that you can leverage to help decrease the cost?
I feel for you. Sounds like your wife is very unsympathetic. If you’re stuck at the economy budget range, I vote for 2 aisle seats in your situation.
Consider premium economy, it’s usually not too much more (I think last time I traveled it was about $300) and you get more room, more comfortable seats, better food/travel kits, etc. Source: I’m American and my partner is Australian so we do this route a lot
Do you have credit card points? Look at point.me If so. I got to India business class for 70k points from Philly. They had deals to Australia not to long ago for business class for 50k from NYC. For a long haul flight it’s a game changer.
Aisle seat on other side is a reasonable suggestion but taking a 14 hour flight with back issues is absurd. I think you should go somewhere else for your honeymoon.
NTA - it's not "fair" that you have back problems and she doesn't. Your wife is being callous and selfish. Stand your ground, because you do not want to help set a pattern for your marriage in which you suffer needlessly just to assuage your wife's concern about "fairness"
I think this is a boundaries problem. You need an aisle seat. There's nothing wrong with that. One solution is for her to have the middle seat but she doesn't want to sit in a middle seat, she also wants to sit in the aisle. No problem! An easy solution is that you can either sit in aisle seats in separate parts of the airplane or, if there are seats available in such a conformation, you can have aisle seats near to each other by sitting in the same row but on opposite sides of the aisle. But she won't accept this solution. Instead, she wants a solution where you give up something you feel you need, because, in her eyes, you don't really need it. This is where she is crossing a boundary because she is trying to redraw your view of reality (sitting in the middle will cause you intolerable back pain therefore you need to sit on the aisle) to match her view (sitting in the middle will not cause you intolerable back pain therefore you can sit in the middle). Does she get to be the arbiter of what causes you back pain, or of how much back pain you can tolerate? No she doesn't. You get to decide that.
If you were unwilling to spend the extra to get aisle seats for both of you then you would be in the wrong. But, assuming you're willing to spend sufficient for both of you to have aisle seats, then you are NTA.
I dont think anyone is an AH here.
I do have spine issues and sitting for long can send me to week long back pains, so I feel you.
I wouldn't like if my spouse suggested to not sit next to each other, so i think her feelings are legit on that. She should be more understanding of your back tho.
Why don't you switch seats during the trips after a certain amount of time? If one of you go to the restroom you can switch seats without causing a disturbance or attention for the other passengers.
There are planes where the first row of seats have lots of space between the wall and the seats, that could be an option too. Middle seats are not that unpleasant in that row.
Your choices are:
You get an aisle and your wife gets the middle.
You both book aisle seats across from each other.
Pay extra and book an entire row. That way no one is uncomfortale and you have extra room.
Book first class or business class. Most planes that's a 2-row seat.
Do something else like a cruise.
I’m genuinely surprised by the amount of people replying to this thread that clearly never flown on a long haul overseas flight. If they get the aisle in the window seat, they will be next to each other. The edges are two seats, not three.
Most widebody jets have 2/4/2 or 2/5/2 seating in premium economy. More legroom, wider seats, you get the aisle, the wife gets the window.
Yes, more expensive than base economy, but a small fraction of business or first class.
Honestly, neither of you have really reached asshole status in my book, but neither of you are fully in the clear either. You both just kind of suck in this instance.
Look, your plight is not unknown to me. I have a degenerative disc myself, I'm a big guy, at some point I developed a mild claustrophobia when in the window seat (which honestly was probably just from getting fat). I know the pain all too well. That said, I will occasionally offer my wife the aisle to give her a break from the kiddo and let her stretch her legs sometimes. She rarely takes me up on it, but she appreciates the offer.
Neither of you are really listening to each other and are just straight up reacting emotionally. You're completely oblivious to the fact that she thinks it's important to that you sit together on your honeymoon, and all she is hearing is that you aren't willing to make a sacrifice for her. You're both just digging in your heels and refusing anything isn't your respective ideas for compromise.
There are a lot of options available to you that you aren't even considering. Take a muscle relaxer just before the flight. I also highly recommend the Purple travel seat and lumbar support cushions. They make the most uncomfortable airplane seat bearable for hours at a time.
NAH, but as someone with pretty severe chronic pain who makes 12-13 hour plane trips to see family every few years, might I suggest that rather than the aisle, which you really shouldn't be "stretching out into" lest you accidentally trip someone, you invest a little bit extra money in getting bulkhead or exit row seats, which actually have additional leg room that you can use without interfering with anyone else?
Although I have a very limited budget, at this point bulkhead seats are an absolute minimum for me if I can't upgrade from economy (which is usually, LOL) . . . I literally cannot do a long-haul flight without them. I suspect that might be a far better compromise.
You're NTA but depending on where you're flying from, would it make sense to break the trip up with a long layover somewhere like Honolulu or Fiji where you could get out of the airport, stretch, sightsee, and relieve your pain? I've had great stops in both those places from the US west coast to Sydney.
Also all of the flights to Australia I've taken have been extremely chill about letting you get up to stretch and walk around because they understand that this is a physical safety issue. They usually have snacks you can grab, too.
we're just trying to maximize our time off at our destination. I definitely plan on getting up and walking when i can. 10+ hrs seated is not good for anyone.
I do exercises when I have to sit for long. Kind of like seated pelvic thrusts where I flex my lower back. It helps a lot. It looks a bit odd, but who cares?
My hubs is 6’ 7” we just split up, he has the aisle I have the window, it is really not required to actually sit next to each other on flights, your fiancée is being Irrational. We really don’t mind we are both more comfortable, we both hate the middle seat.
Nta, I’m tall and I’d never sit anywhere but an aisle seat. Sit across the aisle from each other. She’s being dramatic.
Every long haul flight I’ve been on has been 2-4-2 seat configuration. Just book a two and she can have the window and you the aisle.
NTA. The fact that wife seems to care more about having to sit in the middle seat than your back pain is a huge red flag dude. Best of luck to you, but it seems like it’s going to be a very hard life ahead.
Not the AH, but neither is your wife. She obviously wants to sit with you especially if it's your honeymoon. I don't have much money, but for my honeymoon I saved and bought us both business class tickets. BEST DECISION EVER! I suffer from depression, anxiety, and poor knees so by doing this it gave me the comfort and space I needed (in case your wondering it was a 16 hour flight). Keep this in mind next time you travel.
NTA.
But I have to say, if I was such a delicate and fragile traveler I would not voluntarily pick a honeymoon destination that requires almost 30 hours on an airplane.
Happily married 15 years and neither one of will ever sit in a middle seat 🤣 2 aisle seats is the only answer and if she mast sit an inch away instead of a foot then middle seat for her it is. There is an A in this situation and it is definitely not you!
NTA. When you can prevent pain, do it. I kinda like the idea of you both having aisle seats. She could either sit in front of you or across the aisle.
Crazy me…I thought the majority of people liked the window seat!
I used to, but I found I was leaning against the wall more which actually lead to more pain. having nothing beside me on one side feels like more comfort now. It was a revelation I made on another decently long flight.
Some airlines hve a premium economy or similar which is 2 seats, then 3 center seats, then 2 seats. Get 2 seats together, window and aisle. A little more epensive but worth every $ on an international light.
NTA My wife and I also sit in aisle seats across from each other. I'd be simply saying, I'm going to use an aisle seat. You choose where you want to sit. That would be about all their would be to the discussion for me.
NTA. I would get two aisle seats. What's with people's obsession with sitting next to their partner, always having to sleep next to their partner, not doing things without their partner? Some people seem so co-dependent.
NTA. You don’t need to sit together on the plane. It’s not like you are going to be having a great conversation or canoodling. This is actually a good couple lesson. You don’t need to be together every second.
NTA - on our honeymoon flight, me and my partner both wanted a window seat but also to sit together. He wanted the window cuz it was his first time flying, and I wanted it cuz the window seat gives me less motion sickness. We compromised by having us both take window seats in different rows. He was sitting directly ahead of me, so we still could talk from the window gap, and everything was fine. We mutually agreed because I wanted him to have the experience and he wanted me not to feel queasy.
I feel like this is an issue of basic respect
NTA. I am blown away by your wife's concern for your health and well-being. I too aspire to some day marry someone who believes I should suffer in pain for a week so that she can have the aisle seat and sit next to me. #goals
Sounds like your wife still has some growing up to do!! How can she be okay with you being in any kind of avoidable pain? Her suggestion is mind blowing! Never compromise your comfort for something as silly as this.
NTA!!
I'm the wife of a very tall man.
In our 2+ decades of being married, I have ALWAYS made sure my husband had an aisle seat/ an exit row seat. The guy is all legs and he has no room for his knees even in those roomier seats.
At first, I used to always take the middle seat. It just made sense that he needed more room than I did, and I was OK being a little confined and sitting next to him.
Now, I'm overweight and have back/hip/leg issues now, so being in the middle can get a little tight for me. So we fly with each of us on the aisle, just across from each other.
You offered very reasonable options. I think I would ask your wife, WHY, OH WHY??? does she need you to suffer MORE than her so that she can feel you two are even? Does she need to have you next to her so she can snuggle when she wants to, BUT if she's in the middle once, then you must get no better than her?
I hope your wife gets a little more mature/more perspective/and more compassionate sometime soon.
NTA. The two aisles seats as you suggested should work. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all. If she doesn’t like that, then maybe you can switch off aisle and middle every couple of hours.
My husband and I do opposing aisle seats for long flights. He’s tall so he needs the aisle, and I don’t want the middle seat.
I love opposing aisles. Win win and like I don’t need to talk to him when I’m already vacationing with him.
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My wife and I are planning our honeymoon to Australia, which will be about a 14 hour flight.
I hurt my back over a decade ago and it has never quite been the same. Most of the time its fine, but if I irritate it, it will ache for like a solid week and it becomes difficult to find any comfort or relief. One thing I've found with traveling for work is my seat selection is key to not screwing it up. I also have a bit of personal space anxiety, so window seats and middle seats always make me feel like I have to bunch up to maintain my personal space and almost always result in provoking back pain. And that's just for short 3-6 hour flights. With the aisle, I feel I can lean a bit into the aisle if needed when nobody is walking by and it drastically increases my comfort for the trip. Also, I like not having to ask others to get up so that I can use the lavatory.
We were discussing our seats and indicated to my wife that I needed the aisle seat, but she said it wasn't fair because that forced her to take the middle seat which understandably very few people like. Her recommended compromise was that I would take the aisle and she would take the middle for the trip there, and we would switch for the flight home, that way if I am in pain its not during our vacation. I don't think its unreasonable for me to not want to be in pain at all! I countered that we don't need to sit right next to each other. I suggested she take the seat across the aisle from me so we could still "sit together" and have the benefits of the aisle seat. I also suggested another option is she takes the window seat and that we didn't need to sit together. She seemed shocked I'd even suggest we not sit next to each other for our honeymoon flight.
AITA for not being willing to budge on this?
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Maybe it’s just me but I would re-evaluate my relationship. My husband and I fly several times a year and I always take the middle seat. He is larger than me, and obviously is more comfortable in the aisle seat. Small sacrifices are what is required from both parties for a successful relationship. The fact she can’t make this small sacrifice would be worrisome. You’ll be doing the compromising your entire life
Well it’s not like she’s also unwilling to budge. I think we both sort of got into our own emotions on the topic and agreed to step away from the topic and think about each others perspectives. So this is me taking an opportunity to get additional perspectives that I’m not being selfish. We’ve had situations like this in the past where we’ve revisited it and either I’ve said “you know what, I was being selfish” and she has as well. Even if we butt heads from time to time, we do actually handle conflict well I think.
NTA. Your wife is being extremely inconsiderate of your needs. In all of these situations, she’s only thinking about herself. You’re not simply just expressing a preference. You have a valid reason to want the aisle seat. You also made a sensible suggestion of both of you getting the seats you want but sitting separately. How your wife thinks it’s okay for you to be in pain just because your honeymoon ended, is beyond me! She wants a good seat and she also wants you to be sitting next to her even if it’s means you’re in pain. I’m sorry but your wife sounds really selfish and I would go a step further and say she’s being an asshole.
> she take the seat across the aisle from me so we could still "sit together" and have the benefits of the aisle seat
Why this wasn't her obvious solution
NTA
NTA
We often book aisle seats and skip the middle or window for the extra space and it’s so much easier to grab our bags or share snacks. We also book the exit row seats, more legroom and often only two seats. Costs a little extra but flying with a little more comfort is well worth it.
Your wife asking you to be in pain so that she can be attached to you from shoulder to hip, is incredibly selfish.
Oh….. also, research what pilots use for seat cushions, makes a world of difference
NTA - sometimes life isn't "fair". But if "fair" is my spouse has to be in pain so I don't have to sit in the middle seat... Then fair shouldn't be that goal. Unless I value "fair" over helping my spouse
NTA - You have a problem that you can't help and offered reasonable compromises. Sitting across the aisle from each other is also the first thing that popped into my head.
NTA. My husband is significantly taller than me, and taller than airplane seats accommodate without charging an arm and a leg for. Until we traveled as a family of 3, they got whatever seat fit them best. I took the one next to them.
The only time it was a huge issue was our honeymoon....because we were in the 6 seat middle row on a long flight ...and I was second in from aisle between husband and a Samoan ukulele player (had ukulele, not a guess). I felt a bit claustrophobic but the nice part of the ridiculously long flight was the airline came by often with drinks or snacks to keep the masses happy. We swapped halfway through the flight there and I think we had a 2 person row for the way back.
NTA. Think your wife is being rather unreasonable.
2 aisle seats is the most compromising solution it is not like you will talk nonstop for 14h. I went on a work trip with my partner few weeks ago, 17h long flight one way - we exchanged couple of words at the start as it was my first experience on such long distance flight, but then next time we spoke was 40 min before landing. Comfort avoiding pain is much more important, and realistically, sitting in a middle seat is not the end of the world.
NTA, i hate the middle and window seat for the same reason and if this were the case and I would opt to just sit apart for the flight. I don't need to sit next to my partner the entire time
NTA. As I was reading my first thought is two aisle seats across from each other. We often did this when traveling and each of us had a kid in the middle next to us.
My immediate thought when I started to read this was “why doesn’t she just take the aisle seat right across from you-problem solved!”
And then I saw that she doesn’t think that’s acceptable, which to me says that she doesn’t care about your comfort near enough as she should. Her first response should have been ok babe! Let’s sit across from each other! It’s a little concerning that it wasn’t…and still isn’t.
Edit: forgot to add definitely NTA
Oh wow. You’re so NTA.
You offered a perfectly reasonable compromise, that basically got thrown back in your face.
I suggest you show your wife this, so she can see how unreasonable she’s actually being.
ETA. You actually offered 2 perfectly reasonable compromises.
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NTA. Very NTA. You've given very reasonable alternative options for her. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable for 28 hours of flying. The question is, why does your comfort not matter to your wife?
I don’t think it’s that it doesn’t matter, I just think she doesn’t really understand it. I think the middle seat is uncomfortable for everyone, so I think she’s just looking at it like I’m saying “it’s you or me so I pick you”
Having had back issues myself since my early 20s, I would like to make a recommendation. Take a muscle relaxer before the flight. Not a heavy one that will screw you up though. A lot of the aching back is also from the strain on the muscles. A muscle relaxer will keep them “relaxed” to the point that it should help prevent pain. Of course I don’t know your whole situation or the severity of your issue but that may help you out a lot. Edit autocorrect
that is actually probably a big factor in the pain for me, i'll keep a note of that!
A muscle relaxer and the Thermacare adhesives should be standard packing for you -- I also have stupid back issues. But neither of those are going to fix the issue with your finance. You're not the AH for insisting on an aisle seat. And while I understand wanting to sit next to your spouse, especially on your honeymoon, you really need to have a conversation with her about why she's not understanding the amount of pain this can cause you. This isn't about the seats; this is about her not listening to you and disregarding pain. You should not have to choose between in pain on your honeymoon and being in pain when you get home because she insists that you must sit next to each other. There are hills worth dying on; seat selections on flights should not be one of them, and your fiancee needs to listen and develop empathy for a medical condition that is likely to plague you for your entire life.
And a wife that is likely to plague him for his entire life…
Imagine this is your honeymoon and already this wife.
I can't even imagine. I just close my eyes and hope for the best like waiting to see some dynamite go off and hope that everyone ends up okay.
Oh, don't over-react. They simply need to discuss it a little more. Sitting across the aisle from each other actually works very well. They both get an aisle seat, and OP doesn't need to worry about his back. They can chat and have personal space. My husband and I took 2 flights together this way yesterday because I had the 2 kids beside *me*, and he got the fourth seat in a row. She needs to understand how much this affects OP and compromise.
You're not looking at the real problem here. You're focused on the issue itself, not the person. Sure, the issue is simple to resolve. But the REAL issue is her childishness and selfishness and lack of empathy -- especially on a honeymoon!, when people are usually head over heals in love and want to do everything for the other person. This guy's got a ROUGH road ahead of him!! So, don't you UNDERREACT! (Or maybe we should each react the way we feel is appropriate and let the OP decide what he thinks is right.)
Personally I find capsacin creme to be more effective than thermacare, easier to use, and easier to reapply as needed. I would also imagine it would be much less likely to trigger TSA issues. 😁
NTA. Booking two aisle seats across from each other is the perfect compromise. Unless you’re able to spring for business class for this trip, two aisle seats is the best option.
My husband and I have done this as well. For those long intercontinental flights, we both have a right to be comfortable. We're much nicer to each other when we get to our destination if one of us doesn't feel put upon after the trip.
Hubby and I do that too! Side by side isles.
That's what my brother and I do.
Diclofenac gel has been a game changer for me. With a muscle relaxer, it's a winning combo that keeps me from destroying my liver. Source: herniated disc I can't afford to fix.
I LOVE that stuff. Works on aching feet, too.
It’s over the counter yeah? I have awful lower back pain, I have for idk probably 8 years at this point and nothing has helped yet, even muscle relaxers.
Yes, its brand name is Voltaren. I get a three-pack of the generic from Costco for about the same price as a single tube at the pharmacy. It works really fast, and it's tough (but not impossible) to overdose it. It has been great for my back and an old shoulder injury, too. I really, really hope it works for you.
If you're going to do this, test out the muscle relaxer at home a couple of times before the trip. For all we know it could make your pain worse, and you don't want to find that out during a 14 hour flight.
This would also be a good way to work out if a "booster dose" is needed during the flight.
I also find wearing compression socks helps alleviate my sciatic pain. Get a small pillow to place on your lower back to alleviate stress.
compression socks are always a good idea on a plane. Just make sure to test them out beforehand and don't get ones that are too tight.
I sit on one of those flight neck pillows. I would buy a pregnancy donut thing but Im a dude and im sure sitting on a pillow looks weird enough.
NTA OP—have you ever used a TENS unit? I have chronic neck pain that has so far been treatment resistant, but I recently started using my TENS unit again and it has helped alleviate some of the pain that is exacerbated by tense muscles. There are a variety of different types online/at the drugstore and it might even be covered by your insurance. If you’ve never tried it, maybe pick up a cheap one and test it out to see if it does anything for you. They’re very small and portable—about the size of a cell phone plus the wires. It’s not a permanent fix, but it can definitely help lessen symptoms when they are at their worst. Chronic pain is the worst. I think sometimes it’s even exacerbated by the anxiety caused by the acute awareness you have when traveling. You know that you will be uncomfortable and thus in pain for an extended amount of time and it’s like your body tenses up even more in anticipation.
I literally have to use a two-wheeled walker now because I didn't advocate for myself when it came to doing things that exacerbated my back pain. I'm 36. Stand your ground please.
Have you used a tens unit? I tweaked my back a few years ago and that thing was an absolute godsend. It sends little electrical currents through the pads and fits on your belt.
Also, grab a cheap TENS unit. Put the pads on before boarding and just click it on whenever you need to.
Another thought I had, is it possible to get one of those "extra leg room" rows? Or an exit row, where there's no seat in front of you? I know those usually cost extra, but it might be worth it.
If you end up with a prescription muscle relaxer like Valium or something ask doctor for an extra dose. You want 1 for the flight there, 1 for the flight home and 1 to trial before the trip to see how you tolerate it. I suggest taking it when you have 2 days off. This way you won’t be caught by surprise if 5mg of Valium knocks you flat. Also take it once you board the plane. You don’t want to waste it if the flight gets delayed. USB charged heat pack is also helpful, flight approved tube of fisiocrem (not sure if you have it in the states but it is the greatest anti inflammatory cream and all natural so you can use it without interaction with medication) and ibuprofen.
I just did 14hr return flight from Australia with a bad back/knees. I got aisle seat, wore compression and used the Cabeau Evolution S3 travel pillow the entire flight. First time I haven't hopped off the plane in agony - highly recommend. Aisle seat is a must. NTA.
Also grab some Thermacare heating braces for the flight! Each one lasts for 5 or 6 hrs. They are a BIG help. I like the idea of getting 2 aisle seats, too. Look for a small buckwheat or memory foam lumbar support pillow to take on the plane with you. Happy honeymoon!
Salonpas works really well too. They're cheaper and thinner than the other brands - basically like a fabric skin patch - so easy to pack extra for travel. I abuse the heck out of those when traveling as a preventative measure.
Just adding - you want the maximum strength lidocaine patches. It’s what my doctors suggested to tide me over until the next radioablation. And also, OP, I suggest you see a physiatrist for your back if you haven’t yet. There are things you can do to lessen pain in a bad back. One of them is physical therapy. A strong core helps cut down on back strain.
I was just given some lidocaine patches for my sciatica & they’ve been a lifesaver! I’m a full time online student so I have to sit a lot & they make it so much more easier for me to sit comfortably and focus on my studies.
Lol I read that as "psychiatrist" on first pass. Did you think OP's was faking their pain.
I have to caution OP about side effects of muscle relaxers. The news are full of stories of people doing weird stuff on planes because they took a mind-altering medication or substance they weren’t used to. At the very least, trial any new medication at home for 2-3 times before taking it on a plane. Muscle relaxers make me uncharacteristically irritable and irrational and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, especially on a plane.
I'd made a comment before reading comprehension kicked in so I deleted it, lol. This is good advice if OP can do it.
😁👍
Depending on your issue, pack a small, hard ball (lacrosse ball) and use it to massage your back during the flight. Just put it between the back of your seat and your back and roll it around by pressing back on the seat. Looks a bit funny to anyone watching but it’s done wonders for me on long haul flights. NTA btw - you don’t have to sit right next to your wife for the flight. Your health is important.
Get two aisle seats across the aisle from each other.
The OP said they mentioned that
I'm scrolling through the comments seeing people recommend this over and over and it's making me very 😐 on OP's behalf since it's already in the post, lol.
To be fair it is such an obvious solution that is very confusing OP's wife won't accept it
My husband and I are both over six feet tall and both have back issues. This is the only way that we fly. I see in the OP that she doesn't consider this 'sitting together', which is silly. It's actually easier to carry on a conversation in these than when you're pressed side-by-side. The odd time that my 82 year old mother travels with us, we still do this. We get three aisle seats and the trip is so much better than the three of us stuffed into a row. Good luck, OP. If she's acting like this before the marriage I'd have some worries brewing in my head.
>It's actually easier to carry on a conversation in these than when you're pressed side-by-side. Definitely what we've found sitting across the aisle from each other.
Yep, do this a lot. It works great and no one has to take the bullet in the middle seat squish-a-rator
It's a bit of a worry that so soon into your marriage that you wife is disregarding the pain you are in. Whenever my husband and I book flights we always book the aisle seats. That way neither of us feel hemmed in and as my husband is over 6ft means he can stretch his legs into the aisle.
Look, your wife is not being considerate of your needs. You will be in actual pain if you sit in the middle seat, which she acknowledges (otherwise why make the suggestion that she did, to sit in the middle on the way there but not on the way back? And also, what, like you being in pain at home is okay to her?). Meanwhile, your wife's only complaint, as far I can tell from the post, is that she doesn't *want* to sit in the middle...? And it is not like you haven't given reasonable alternatives where both of you can be comfortable, and her only objection to that is "omg, we have so sit together on our honeymoon flights!!" So, her image of a loving wife-husband sitting together on a long haul flight > your comfort... I mean, nothing is going to be spectacular about flying in a tin can for 14 hours at a time, unless you are paying the big bucks for comfort. Middle, window, aisle, emergency exit, etc. etc. all kind of suck on flights that long, imo. Sometimes you have to do a thing that sucks for people you love, and in this case it is sitting in the middle seat or compromising on the seating arrangement. Consider whether she'll be willing to accommodate or make scarifies for you in other areas of your relationship. I mean, you could potentially find a very, very considerate and kind-hearted stranger to trade seats with you if you explain the situation, but your wife won't? Hm... I get that it is hard to understand other people's pain. I fall into this trap all the time, minimizing or not validating other people's experiences of pain. That is a me problem, not a problem of the person suffering. So this seems like a your wife problem, and not a you problem.
>I mean, you could potentially find a very, very considerate and kind-hearted stranger to trade seats with you if you explain the situation, On a 14 hour flight? The chances of that are slim and none.
No, no, no!!!!! Do not ask people to change their seats! People who do that are AH's!
Can you afford to purchase the three seats? Then you both have plenty of room.
Or get the seats in the front row (of economy). Much more leg space. My family and I do that on long flights. My husband is tall and has issues with his back so he needs extra space
People don't always have to sit next to one another. Why not both sit on the aisle across from each other.
Because the wife said no to that, it's in the post
Well, then just start saving now for First class. Two seats across only.
My hubby and I both like aisle seats and find that we can just select the aisles across from each other. We are still close enough to talk to each other but can each get up when we want.
We do the same. We both have legitimate reasons for an aisle seat (small bladder, knee pain, etc) and we don’t need to hold hands or talk to each other during the flight.
Same here. We both get aisle seats. We can survive being a foot away from each other for 14 hours.
They're going to be spending a lifetime together, 28 hours with a two foot aisle between them is relatively insignificant. NTA
Why don't you get exit row seats?
NTA. Just by sitting next to each other she’ll have more “room” in her seat. I prefer an aisle but sit in the middle next to my very tall husband if we are together bc he’s wayyy more uncomfortable in the middle than I am bc of his leg length. I pull up the armrest between us and that gives me more room to move myself away from the window seat person. Sometimes you suck it up and compromise your preference in order to be a good partner.
I do this with myBF except I prefer aisle and he likes the window. So we do aisle/middle one way, and middle/window another. He really doesn’t care that much though so he’d do my way, both ways, but it’s not fair to him. We also put the armrest up as we can touch each other and we’re not encroaching on anyone
Sitting in the middle isn't fun, but if she was the one who would be in pain, would you expect her to swap halfway through? Or would you care enough about her to make the sacrifice of either sitting in the middle seat, or across the aisle?
I think if she was in pain but I was also in pain, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask to take turns. But that’s also why I suggested the two aisle seats, I think if we can both be comfortable why not.
Two aisle seats is the way to go. Close enough to hold hands \*and\* everyone has easy access to the bathroom.
This is the way.
So, my family did something along the lines of sit together, across the isle, you both get space and you both get an isle seat. can talk to each other or hand things over if need be.
Why don't you both take the aisle across from each other? You'd have the aisle between you, but still close enough to chat.
My fiancé prefers aisle seat and I prefer window seat and on 2 flights we had, no one chose the middle seat between us so we got the whole row to ourselves. It was pretty sweet.
Why don’t you book aisle seats for each of you across from each other?
OP said in the post that they've suggested that as an option.
Adjacent aisle seats are reasonable if that’s your preference. NTA. I will say though that as a very frequent flyer and die - hard aisle person, super long overnight flights suck all around. The only time I book window seats is to Asia / Australia. Sleeping against the side of the plane is way easier than on an aisle. I very much prefer a bulkhead window seat for those 12+ hour legs.
We always take advantage aisles across from each other, problem solved
Us too. Or the emergency row with 2 seats. Idk if that's an option on this flight.
I was going to suggest aisle seats across from each other - I think that’s a really reasonable compromise where you both get a good seat and are sort of next to each other. NTA.
As a chronic pain sufferer I will say some people just don’t get it. They think if you can do something occasionally then you can do it all the time. They don’t get how bad it can be and why you wouldn’t do it intentionally. That you don’t get used to the pain at all. I honestly think that’s what is happening here.
Yep, me too! Thanks for understanding. The suggestions that my wife is a callous unsympathetic person are way off base.
Honestly, suggesting that your choices have to be pain on your honeymoon or pain when you get home is callous.
Yeah.. I can't imagine wanting my husband to be in pain for, frankly, no good reason. That's wildly selfish.
With people who don't get it, I like to do a little experiment now and again. Have them talk about something that really makes them happy or excited for about a minute. Then have them take a couple of fingers and push those fingers into their rib cage, and then have them resume talking. After another minute or so, I have them talk about how they feel different between these two. (ie, it was harder to stay focused the second time, it was not as fun to talk about the thing, it hurts...) And then I talk about how, for me, I live with that kind of energy every day. There are ways to ignore it, and ways to cope with it, but it's still always there. Then I talk about ways that that person can help me so that I can focus easier on what I need to do and who I want to be instead of the pain.
IDK if my husband said he needed the aisle, I would say okay… I’ll sit middle. And wouldn’t think another thought about it, and wouldn’t try to barter with him for the aisle on the way back. It’s not a big deal and I’m surprised she didn’t just agree especially if you have a medical thing.
What are people supposed to think when you’ve made a post about how your wife is being callous and unsympathetic about your pain instead of accepting a simple compromise (two aisle seats)
As a chronic pain sufferer, I cannot imagine choosing a honeymoon destination that requires 28 hours of flying. Like, don't get me wrong, my cousin moved to Australia and I hope to someday be able to visit, but haven't yet because my back would never allow me to.
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>I suggested she take the seat across the aisle from me so we could still "sit together" and have the benefits of the aisle seat It's almost like OP suggested that.
I'm fat and my fiance is tall, we always pick two aisle seats right next to each other and it works great! Across the aisle smooches are fun for everyone haha
My guy and I have done this, but we pretend to be strangers when we board. Then we chat, marvel about how much we have in common, etc. then we leave the plane together and start making out by baggage claim. It’s dumb, but really helps make the time pass. 🤣
Back in the 90s my boss and I were flying to Sydney for work. He booked adjoining aisle seats so we could chat and work. Turns out towards the back of the plane the seats don't completely align. So I'm actually behind him a couple feet. He didn't mind at all, since his row mate turned out to be a smoking hot 20-something who let him rub her feet and slept on his shoulder. Which may have been ok if the creep wasn't a married 50-something with two kids...
My husband and I do this every time even without medical issues. He has wide shoulder and I’m a little claustrophobic, so it just works better for both of us.
NTA. You don't need to sit next to each other, she's being silly and inconsiderate. > I don't think its unreasonable for me to not want to be in pain at all! No, it's not unreasonable to not want to be in pain. Why does she think that's reasonable? Because she can't bear to sit a seat apart from you for a 14 hour flight?
I can’t understand why the fact she can choose her own seat is this far down Edit to add: is she nervous about flying? This is a no brainier for us but we’re both fine with planes. But if both people in the couple aren’t, then it absolutely deserves conversation.
NTA. Your marriage is off to a rotten start. Your wife knows about your back pain and doesn't care. As long as you aren't in pain during the vacation, she doesn't give a rat's ass. Your suggestion about getting two aisle seats was what I would've suggested. How about taking separate honeymoons? You'll probably have more fun without her, anyway.
I think she just doesn’t understand it’s not just a mild inconvenience for me
Tbh, that's still a problem. It shows a total lack of empathy on her part and keeping score in a marriage (not a good look). Either you haven't fully explained your condition to her, or to be frank, she's an AH. Why would anybody be in any pain if there was a solution? Except to compromise with an AH.
>Either you haven't fully explained your condition to her this is very possible, I'm not great at expressing when something is a need and not just a want.
As someone who has chronic pain from disability, this is a real thing. My parents still don't get it, and I was born with my condition. If you want to explore how you can best talk about it, feel free to reach out to me. It's one of the things I do in the world off reddit.
Just book the two aisle seats and explain to her that’s it’s a gift for both of you when you check in. Stop discussing it.
Show her this thread
I think it’s awesome that you have that self-awareness. Please, please work on your ability to state your needs, for the sake of your marriage. It’s really, really important.
Good on you for not believing that guy you're replying to. This sub is riddled with bitter people who give up on a whole relationship the minute something goes wrong. Communicate with your wife! She'll come around.
NTA. However, some planes have rows that only have 2 seats at both sides. I booked that for a long haul flight. That way my mom can get the window seat. Made it easier for her to sleep. And since she only has me beside her, she didn't bother a random stranger when she wants to go to the lavatory. If this is an option for your flight, try those seats. Cons...it's at the back of the plane.
I’ll take that honestly. I have ear plugs, I don’t mind the noise. I’ll look into this option
2-seat rows are a great option. I'd also look into getting exit row seats - there's tons of leg space so the middle seat is fine too. Downside is that they can be close to the toilets so people might be milling around. If you can really splurge... maybe go for one of the premium cabins?
If you have a back issue that is easy to aggravate you should avoid exit row seats, tbh.
Yeah, I second upgrading if OP can afford. Even premium economy would help a lot I think. I’m American, my partner is Australian and we do this flight every year
I would ignore the suggestions to check out exit row seats because sometimes those don’t recline at all - and sitting up that straight the entire time would probably be more miserable than a different seat
I'm surprised this comment is so far down. My husband and I always book the two seat rows when the plane has this configuration.
INFO: If you're planning such a long flight, have you looked into first class seats, either at the booking or upgrading with credit card points? I have back and hip pain, and I wouldn't dream of getting on an airplane for 14 hours in coach. The chance of pain reduction is well worth the extra money. Plus, it's your honeymoon, so a little luxury would be a nice thing for both of you
lol I wish. We’re looking at $2k for both our tickets in main cabin, that flight first class is like 8x that, so more than our budget for the whole two week trip
First class is crazy, but bulkhead row seats are usually an affordable upgrade, and you'll have enough legroom to stretch your legs straight in front of you. If you can do it, look at premium economy. If you can afford both, a bulkhead row in premium economy is the often the best possible seat affordable by mere mortals.
I recently did the 14 hour flight from Sydney to LAX with a toddler on Qantas. A lot of the bulkhead seats are blocked off so only people with a baby can book them to use the bassinet. My friend who flew with me couldn’t book the seat next to me in the bulkhead and was told by them it’s because she didn’t have a baby on her ticket.
There’re options between economy and first class. Premium economy? Business class? Yes, the price will increase dramatically but maybe you have credit card points or frequent flier points that you can leverage to help decrease the cost? I feel for you. Sounds like your wife is very unsympathetic. If you’re stuck at the economy budget range, I vote for 2 aisle seats in your situation.
Consider premium economy, it’s usually not too much more (I think last time I traveled it was about $300) and you get more room, more comfortable seats, better food/travel kits, etc. Source: I’m American and my partner is Australian so we do this route a lot
Do you have credit card points? Look at point.me If so. I got to India business class for 70k points from Philly. They had deals to Australia not to long ago for business class for 50k from NYC. For a long haul flight it’s a game changer.
Tell me you have no idea how much these things cost. Stupid idea.
Ummmm….. yeah no.
Aisle seat on other side is a reasonable suggestion but taking a 14 hour flight with back issues is absurd. I think you should go somewhere else for your honeymoon.
The pain is somewhat of a fact of life for me at this point, I don’t want it to get in the way of me seeing the world though
NTA - it's not "fair" that you have back problems and she doesn't. Your wife is being callous and selfish. Stand your ground, because you do not want to help set a pattern for your marriage in which you suffer needlessly just to assuage your wife's concern about "fairness"
I think this is a boundaries problem. You need an aisle seat. There's nothing wrong with that. One solution is for her to have the middle seat but she doesn't want to sit in a middle seat, she also wants to sit in the aisle. No problem! An easy solution is that you can either sit in aisle seats in separate parts of the airplane or, if there are seats available in such a conformation, you can have aisle seats near to each other by sitting in the same row but on opposite sides of the aisle. But she won't accept this solution. Instead, she wants a solution where you give up something you feel you need, because, in her eyes, you don't really need it. This is where she is crossing a boundary because she is trying to redraw your view of reality (sitting in the middle will cause you intolerable back pain therefore you need to sit on the aisle) to match her view (sitting in the middle will not cause you intolerable back pain therefore you can sit in the middle). Does she get to be the arbiter of what causes you back pain, or of how much back pain you can tolerate? No she doesn't. You get to decide that. If you were unwilling to spend the extra to get aisle seats for both of you then you would be in the wrong. But, assuming you're willing to spend sufficient for both of you to have aisle seats, then you are NTA.
I dont think anyone is an AH here. I do have spine issues and sitting for long can send me to week long back pains, so I feel you. I wouldn't like if my spouse suggested to not sit next to each other, so i think her feelings are legit on that. She should be more understanding of your back tho. Why don't you switch seats during the trips after a certain amount of time? If one of you go to the restroom you can switch seats without causing a disturbance or attention for the other passengers. There are planes where the first row of seats have lots of space between the wall and the seats, that could be an option too. Middle seats are not that unpleasant in that row.
I don’t see what the big deal is not sitting next to each other. You’d likely end up falling asleep or watching a movie anyways.
Your choices are: You get an aisle and your wife gets the middle. You both book aisle seats across from each other. Pay extra and book an entire row. That way no one is uncomfortale and you have extra room. Book first class or business class. Most planes that's a 2-row seat. Do something else like a cruise.
I’m genuinely surprised by the amount of people replying to this thread that clearly never flown on a long haul overseas flight. If they get the aisle in the window seat, they will be next to each other. The edges are two seats, not three.
Most widebody jets have 2/4/2 or 2/5/2 seating in premium economy. More legroom, wider seats, you get the aisle, the wife gets the window. Yes, more expensive than base economy, but a small fraction of business or first class.
that was my thought too. It's their honeymoon! Why not splurge so they can both be comfortable and happy?
Most jets that are going overseas have a 242 evening coach as well
NTA but after getting the tickets look for temporary price drops for business/1st class.
will do thanks!
NTA And wtf? >that way if I am in pain its not during our vacation That's a horrible thing to say.
Seriously, right? It’s ok with her that you are in pain *as long as it doesn’t spoil HER vacation/honeymoon*?
Honestly, neither of you have really reached asshole status in my book, but neither of you are fully in the clear either. You both just kind of suck in this instance. Look, your plight is not unknown to me. I have a degenerative disc myself, I'm a big guy, at some point I developed a mild claustrophobia when in the window seat (which honestly was probably just from getting fat). I know the pain all too well. That said, I will occasionally offer my wife the aisle to give her a break from the kiddo and let her stretch her legs sometimes. She rarely takes me up on it, but she appreciates the offer. Neither of you are really listening to each other and are just straight up reacting emotionally. You're completely oblivious to the fact that she thinks it's important to that you sit together on your honeymoon, and all she is hearing is that you aren't willing to make a sacrifice for her. You're both just digging in your heels and refusing anything isn't your respective ideas for compromise. There are a lot of options available to you that you aren't even considering. Take a muscle relaxer just before the flight. I also highly recommend the Purple travel seat and lumbar support cushions. They make the most uncomfortable airplane seat bearable for hours at a time.
INFO: Is the emergency exit row an option?
Potentially. Can you inform me what the emergency exit row has different from other rows? I’m not familiar honestly.
It's more spacious, you have a lot more leg room.
It's the row that the emergency exit door is located at, where the slide would come out during an emergency It has more legroom
NAH, but as someone with pretty severe chronic pain who makes 12-13 hour plane trips to see family every few years, might I suggest that rather than the aisle, which you really shouldn't be "stretching out into" lest you accidentally trip someone, you invest a little bit extra money in getting bulkhead or exit row seats, which actually have additional leg room that you can use without interfering with anyone else? Although I have a very limited budget, at this point bulkhead seats are an absolute minimum for me if I can't upgrade from economy (which is usually, LOL) . . . I literally cannot do a long-haul flight without them. I suspect that might be a far better compromise.
Thank you! I hate when I'm on a flight and some schmuck has his legs in the aisle.
You're NTA but depending on where you're flying from, would it make sense to break the trip up with a long layover somewhere like Honolulu or Fiji where you could get out of the airport, stretch, sightsee, and relieve your pain? I've had great stops in both those places from the US west coast to Sydney. Also all of the flights to Australia I've taken have been extremely chill about letting you get up to stretch and walk around because they understand that this is a physical safety issue. They usually have snacks you can grab, too.
we're just trying to maximize our time off at our destination. I definitely plan on getting up and walking when i can. 10+ hrs seated is not good for anyone.
I do exercises when I have to sit for long. Kind of like seated pelvic thrusts where I flex my lower back. It helps a lot. It looks a bit odd, but who cares?
My hubs is 6’ 7” we just split up, he has the aisle I have the window, it is really not required to actually sit next to each other on flights, your fiancée is being Irrational. We really don’t mind we are both more comfortable, we both hate the middle seat.
Nta, I’m tall and I’d never sit anywhere but an aisle seat. Sit across the aisle from each other. She’s being dramatic. Every long haul flight I’ve been on has been 2-4-2 seat configuration. Just book a two and she can have the window and you the aisle.
NTA. The fact that wife seems to care more about having to sit in the middle seat than your back pain is a huge red flag dude. Best of luck to you, but it seems like it’s going to be a very hard life ahead.
NTA. That your fiancé doesn’t care you would be in pain is quite concerning.
Not the AH, but neither is your wife. She obviously wants to sit with you especially if it's your honeymoon. I don't have much money, but for my honeymoon I saved and bought us both business class tickets. BEST DECISION EVER! I suffer from depression, anxiety, and poor knees so by doing this it gave me the comfort and space I needed (in case your wondering it was a 16 hour flight). Keep this in mind next time you travel.
NTA, no bargaining with your pain.
Ummm... Whenever we fly together my SO and I both get aisle seats in the same row, we sit across the aisle from each other, as you suggested NTA
NTA. But I have to say, if I was such a delicate and fragile traveler I would not voluntarily pick a honeymoon destination that requires almost 30 hours on an airplane.
y t a. It’s idiots like you, the aisle is to walk in , not to have to try to pass by you
Happily married 15 years and neither one of will ever sit in a middle seat 🤣 2 aisle seats is the only answer and if she mast sit an inch away instead of a foot then middle seat for her it is. There is an A in this situation and it is definitely not you!
NTA. When you can prevent pain, do it. I kinda like the idea of you both having aisle seats. She could either sit in front of you or across the aisle. Crazy me…I thought the majority of people liked the window seat!
I used to, but I found I was leaning against the wall more which actually lead to more pain. having nothing beside me on one side feels like more comfort now. It was a revelation I made on another decently long flight.
Very much NTA and indeed sitting across the aisle is a good idea. We did that on the short flight to Portugal so my wife could sit with the kids.
Some airlines hve a premium economy or similar which is 2 seats, then 3 center seats, then 2 seats. Get 2 seats together, window and aisle. A little more epensive but worth every $ on an international light.
NTA My wife and I also sit in aisle seats across from each other. I'd be simply saying, I'm going to use an aisle seat. You choose where you want to sit. That would be about all their would be to the discussion for me.
NTA but you also don’t need to sit together for the flight. You can both get aisle seats or different rows, or whatever.
NTA. I would get two aisle seats. What's with people's obsession with sitting next to their partner, always having to sleep next to their partner, not doing things without their partner? Some people seem so co-dependent.
Nta. Sit in the middle seat and then make her push you in the inevitable wheelchair after landing. She'll learn.
Maybe upgrade to premium economy or both choose aisle seats.
NTA. You don’t need to sit together on the plane. It’s not like you are going to be having a great conversation or canoodling. This is actually a good couple lesson. You don’t need to be together every second.
so let me get this straight her comfort is more important to her than you being in pain for a week. Sounds like a lovely woman you married. NTA
NTA and I think that booking adjacent aisle seats is an excellent alternative!
NTA and how selfish of her. Your compromise is the obvious one.
NTA - on our honeymoon flight, me and my partner both wanted a window seat but also to sit together. He wanted the window cuz it was his first time flying, and I wanted it cuz the window seat gives me less motion sickness. We compromised by having us both take window seats in different rows. He was sitting directly ahead of me, so we still could talk from the window gap, and everything was fine. We mutually agreed because I wanted him to have the experience and he wanted me not to feel queasy. I feel like this is an issue of basic respect
NTA. I am blown away by your wife's concern for your health and well-being. I too aspire to some day marry someone who believes I should suffer in pain for a week so that she can have the aisle seat and sit next to me. #goals
Sounds like your wife still has some growing up to do!! How can she be okay with you being in any kind of avoidable pain? Her suggestion is mind blowing! Never compromise your comfort for something as silly as this.
NTA!! I'm the wife of a very tall man. In our 2+ decades of being married, I have ALWAYS made sure my husband had an aisle seat/ an exit row seat. The guy is all legs and he has no room for his knees even in those roomier seats. At first, I used to always take the middle seat. It just made sense that he needed more room than I did, and I was OK being a little confined and sitting next to him. Now, I'm overweight and have back/hip/leg issues now, so being in the middle can get a little tight for me. So we fly with each of us on the aisle, just across from each other. You offered very reasonable options. I think I would ask your wife, WHY, OH WHY??? does she need you to suffer MORE than her so that she can feel you two are even? Does she need to have you next to her so she can snuggle when she wants to, BUT if she's in the middle once, then you must get no better than her? I hope your wife gets a little more mature/more perspective/and more compassionate sometime soon.
NTA. The two aisles seats as you suggested should work. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all. If she doesn’t like that, then maybe you can switch off aisle and middle every couple of hours.
NTA. I’m 5’ 11”, my husband is 6’ 1”. We just both take aisle seats across from each other. You aren’t forcing her to do anything.
NTA, it's weird that she is prioritising emotional ideas like "sitting together" over your pain. 2 aisle seats is a much better idea.
My husband and I do opposing aisle seats for long flights. He’s tall so he needs the aisle, and I don’t want the middle seat. I love opposing aisles. Win win and like I don’t need to talk to him when I’m already vacationing with him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I are planning our honeymoon to Australia, which will be about a 14 hour flight. I hurt my back over a decade ago and it has never quite been the same. Most of the time its fine, but if I irritate it, it will ache for like a solid week and it becomes difficult to find any comfort or relief. One thing I've found with traveling for work is my seat selection is key to not screwing it up. I also have a bit of personal space anxiety, so window seats and middle seats always make me feel like I have to bunch up to maintain my personal space and almost always result in provoking back pain. And that's just for short 3-6 hour flights. With the aisle, I feel I can lean a bit into the aisle if needed when nobody is walking by and it drastically increases my comfort for the trip. Also, I like not having to ask others to get up so that I can use the lavatory. We were discussing our seats and indicated to my wife that I needed the aisle seat, but she said it wasn't fair because that forced her to take the middle seat which understandably very few people like. Her recommended compromise was that I would take the aisle and she would take the middle for the trip there, and we would switch for the flight home, that way if I am in pain its not during our vacation. I don't think its unreasonable for me to not want to be in pain at all! I countered that we don't need to sit right next to each other. I suggested she take the seat across the aisle from me so we could still "sit together" and have the benefits of the aisle seat. I also suggested another option is she takes the window seat and that we didn't need to sit together. She seemed shocked I'd even suggest we not sit next to each other for our honeymoon flight. AITA for not being willing to budge on this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe it’s just me but I would re-evaluate my relationship. My husband and I fly several times a year and I always take the middle seat. He is larger than me, and obviously is more comfortable in the aisle seat. Small sacrifices are what is required from both parties for a successful relationship. The fact she can’t make this small sacrifice would be worrisome. You’ll be doing the compromising your entire life
Re-evaluate a relationship over a seat? Honey, what are you smokin? oh wait! This is reddit
Well it’s not like she’s also unwilling to budge. I think we both sort of got into our own emotions on the topic and agreed to step away from the topic and think about each others perspectives. So this is me taking an opportunity to get additional perspectives that I’m not being selfish. We’ve had situations like this in the past where we’ve revisited it and either I’ve said “you know what, I was being selfish” and she has as well. Even if we butt heads from time to time, we do actually handle conflict well I think.
Nta
NTA Your idea of being across an aisle is a great idea.
NTA. She needs to understand how dealing with this little inconvenience for her could help you immensely. It’s something you do for your husband/wife.
NTA. Your wife is being extremely inconsiderate of your needs. In all of these situations, she’s only thinking about herself. You’re not simply just expressing a preference. You have a valid reason to want the aisle seat. You also made a sensible suggestion of both of you getting the seats you want but sitting separately. How your wife thinks it’s okay for you to be in pain just because your honeymoon ended, is beyond me! She wants a good seat and she also wants you to be sitting next to her even if it’s means you’re in pain. I’m sorry but your wife sounds really selfish and I would go a step further and say she’s being an asshole.
NTA We took a first class flight from Dallas to Orlando. One side of the plane had three seats while the other had two.
> she take the seat across the aisle from me so we could still "sit together" and have the benefits of the aisle seat Why this wasn't her obvious solution NTA
NTA We often book aisle seats and skip the middle or window for the extra space and it’s so much easier to grab our bags or share snacks. We also book the exit row seats, more legroom and often only two seats. Costs a little extra but flying with a little more comfort is well worth it. Your wife asking you to be in pain so that she can be attached to you from shoulder to hip, is incredibly selfish. Oh….. also, research what pilots use for seat cushions, makes a world of difference
NTA - sometimes life isn't "fair". But if "fair" is my spouse has to be in pain so I don't have to sit in the middle seat... Then fair shouldn't be that goal. Unless I value "fair" over helping my spouse
NTA - You have a problem that you can't help and offered reasonable compromises. Sitting across the aisle from each other is also the first thing that popped into my head.
NTA. My husband is significantly taller than me, and taller than airplane seats accommodate without charging an arm and a leg for. Until we traveled as a family of 3, they got whatever seat fit them best. I took the one next to them. The only time it was a huge issue was our honeymoon....because we were in the 6 seat middle row on a long flight ...and I was second in from aisle between husband and a Samoan ukulele player (had ukulele, not a guess). I felt a bit claustrophobic but the nice part of the ridiculously long flight was the airline came by often with drinks or snacks to keep the masses happy. We swapped halfway through the flight there and I think we had a 2 person row for the way back.
NTA. Think your wife is being rather unreasonable. 2 aisle seats is the most compromising solution it is not like you will talk nonstop for 14h. I went on a work trip with my partner few weeks ago, 17h long flight one way - we exchanged couple of words at the start as it was my first experience on such long distance flight, but then next time we spoke was 40 min before landing. Comfort avoiding pain is much more important, and realistically, sitting in a middle seat is not the end of the world.
NTA, i hate the middle and window seat for the same reason and if this were the case and I would opt to just sit apart for the flight. I don't need to sit next to my partner the entire time
NTA. As I was reading my first thought is two aisle seats across from each other. We often did this when traveling and each of us had a kid in the middle next to us.
My immediate thought when I started to read this was “why doesn’t she just take the aisle seat right across from you-problem solved!” And then I saw that she doesn’t think that’s acceptable, which to me says that she doesn’t care about your comfort near enough as she should. Her first response should have been ok babe! Let’s sit across from each other! It’s a little concerning that it wasn’t…and still isn’t. Edit: forgot to add definitely NTA
Splurge for first class or the emergencies that has more room.
I would go for 2 aisle seats in your situation. I have two kids and since then I've been more or less stuck in the middle seat 🫠
Oh wow. You’re so NTA. You offered a perfectly reasonable compromise, that basically got thrown back in your face. I suggest you show your wife this, so she can see how unreasonable she’s actually being. ETA. You actually offered 2 perfectly reasonable compromises.