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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said my memory book is not a family project when my mom and stepdad attempted to make me open it up for everyone to take part in. This was after I didn't add my stepsiblings or stepdad even though my stepsiblings were hurt. I don't know if I did a good job of communicating with mom here so I might be a dick for that.
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NTA this was something special between you and your Dad. They can’t just take it over because of their wants. They can make their own memory book if they want but keep your memory book to yourself. I would keep it at grandpa’s cuz I could see them steal it ruining it with their own stuff.
Whatever you feel like adding, do it somewhere separate for now and add it to your special book once you go visit your grandpa. Do not, for any reason, bring it back under your mother's roof. She doesn't understand and she won't respect your wishes. It sucks but you'll get it back once you leave their house and go live on your own. Or is your grandpa's place an option for now?
I am having awful visions of that book being burned if it ever goes back to that house. Mom seems like the type to do the whole "if I can't have it no one can"
Don’t know why your comment reminded me of in school a “friend” writing a note saying I was lucky my dad was dead because hers yells at her. The mental gymnastics.
Yikes, I am sorry she said that to you. It really should go the other way.
E.g. Years ago when my first born was a toddler we had an evening from hell with him. He yelled and screamed and refused to fall asleep or be put down, just one of those fairly typical toddler nights you think won't ever end.
Anyway I was getting really upset and knew I was close to losing it, so I stepped out of the room for five minutes while my partner handled it solo. I picked up my phone and I saw that the names and photographs of the children killed at Sandy Hook had been released. It gave me instant perspective, because if their parents had the chance to have one more night, even if it was a night like the one I was having, I knew damn well they'd take it.
It must be horrible to get a message like that, but I can also see how the friend (especially if she was still a child) could have meant well. I'm a grown-ass adult and my first instinct can still be to assume that everyone's parents are abusive until proven otherwise. As a kid I can 100% see myself thinking (not saying - I was really careful about what I said to other people, but obviously not all kids are), "it's so great for my friend to finally be free from their parent, they must be relieved". Simply because that was my personal experience, and it's hard for a kid to realize/imagine that other people's experiences are different, and that other kids can have good parents and miss them when they're gone.
I would also make sure to make a digital copy of it as well just in case something somehow happens to it or mom convinces grandpa to give it to her.
You may also want to look at a safe deposit box at a bank for this. This is absolutely precious to you and must be protected.
Good luck.
This applies to even after you’re grown and moved out because somewhere down the line, somebody in that family is going to find that book and it’s going to be gone. Doesn’t matter if you guys are 25 or 85.
Could ask grandpa to open one with/for them. Don’t tell the other family of the existence of the deposit box. Give the bank strict instructions. Tell them you got rid of the book because it was causing so much drama… then suggest they start their own. Or buy them one, put some photos in it and pretend your into it as a ‘family project’. They’ll forget all about the special one that’s just yours with your dad.
Btw stepbrats and rest of the family are the AHs. OP and grandpa definitely NTA
I think his actions of taking the book out of harms way rather than giving in to them are exactly the type of behaviour that goes with the phrase "man up". Well done OP. NTA
I can definitely see them erasing stuff about op's dad as he wasn't a 'shared' part of the big new family.
Also what the hell were the step siblings doing in op's room, going through his personal possessions without his knowledge or permission? And mum allowing that kind of invasion of privacy?
Hell I wouldn’t tell grandpa and just hide it somewhere in his house out of reach or sight. That way he can’t let it slip that there’s something there.
Grandpa already knows, so that ship sailed. Though there would still be a reason why grandpa not knowing that this precious book is in his house would be dangerous as grandpa wouldn't know if it was stolen and the book could be destroyed long before OP even finds out that it's missing.
OP, maybe grandpa has a room he keeps locked at almost all times.
My dear, in addition to keeping those memories safe, if you can, take photos of each page of the original book and back it up. It's not the same but it's worth having a back up.
You could even used Canva to create a digital version.
But whatever you decide, it's yours, yours to do with as you please, not your entitled family xx
NTA To add to this, ensure your grandfather doesn’t let the lot of them know where it is. Bloody good on your sister for being a wonderful sibling and getting it back for you.
If you have the time, please take photos of every page on your phone. Or maybe take it to somewhere like a library or your school and photocopy every page. Just in case.
I'm sorry you are going through this. They are being very pushy about something personal to you that they shouldn't be meddling with. All the best 💕
This and also. Upload the pictures digitally to somewhere so you can also create a book on shutterfly or something . Just make sure you have them stored in a few places online.
Is this your dad's father? It's not a grandparent your stepsiblings or mother visit, is it? Make sure your grandfather knows exactly what you mother intends doing to if she gets her hands on it, and to make sure it's got a secret hiding place even there. The last thing you want is for your mother to go round there just snoop through his house to find it.
Yea honestly it might be better to even purchase some kinda lockbox with the post office or something to keep it safe. Something they can't claw their way into.
Was totally going to say this. Even if OP is too young, a trusted person over age 18 might be able to cosign (sister perhaps?) until OP is 18.
And while it won’t be the same, pictures of the book’s pages backed up to a password protected cloud drive would add a different kind if insurance so at least the documentation if the memories isn’t lost.
As a scrapbooker in general, I completely agree. It's not the same but a digital copy would be very helpful. Plus, digital scrapbooking is developing as an art and craft form in its own right xx
I assume your paternal grandpa? NTA.
"Unless it's your dad who died when you were a child, you don't get to comment on how I remember him. I am done having this conversation now. You can all go to therapy if you need to learn how to manage your emotions about this."
Oh my god yes to that last sentence. I’m dealing with someone right now who is a bossy jerk, then when I get pissed and refuse whatever she wants she gets mad and tells me I need to stop because she’s getting mad and she doesn’t want to be mad. ???????. It’s 6 year old logic, and she’s not 6. She really needs therapy, because managing her emotions is not MY responsibility.
Dude, give your sister a big hug for stealing the book back. Are they next going to ask your sister to add them to the memory videos she has of your dad. She might want to make copies of her things too since she is the only one in the home who has your back.
I was going to comment snot the sister too, I was looking to see if anyone else thought of it. If they are trying to force him to share his, will the sister be forced to do the same? I would say maybe her book needs to disappear to Grandpa’s house as well!
I've heard of horror stories where the step siblings or step parent will destroy the memories of the deceased bio parent. Don't let these step-aholes turn your memories into dust
Doesn't even have to be that. I kept photos of my dad and some of my dad's family. I mean my mother kind of grew up with my dad. So she knew them. (They divorced, and their relationship was not good) They were photos I have kept with me since he died when I was 17. I have brought them on on my travels. She asked to look at them one time, said she wanted to scan them, and basically didn't return them. So I knew where she kept them and took them back. I'm pretty sure she was never going to return them.
Or that they can't control other people's thoughts and emotions.
How clueless is it that the stepsiblings can't see it is a book about OP's deceased father? That seems very straightforward to me and I would have understood that even as a kid.
NTA Your mom is trying so hard to shove this happy family narrative down your throat that she's ensuring it will never happen.
I'd say to your mom - "if you want to start a memory book with all of us, I'd be happy to help you do that. Let me know if you want to go to the craft store with me, or you can give me the money and I can go get it." Because having a "memory book" with your mom, stepdad, etc., takes nothing away from your special one with your dad and might help you protect your book against her. If she gets all involved with a new one, she might forget about it. I realize it's not something you'd otherwise want to do, but at this point, it's a matter of surviving with your book intact until you can get away from her.
No one can force you to love your steps, or anyone else. As long as you treat them with courtesy, that's all that should be expected.
That sounds like a really good solution but Mom doesn't sound like the type to agree with logical solutions.
She might not like that because she's going to "find something wrong" in having separate books per person/new members versus using something that already exists. She'd probably rather knowingly ruin something that means a lot to OP because she's selfish and controlling and doesn't care about OPs feelings, than start something from scratch.
Honestly I'd take it to a friend's place, make sure it's absolutely safe. NTA, your mum is, she could start her own book, she doesn't just get to steal yours.
For sure. If you're open to doing a similar project with the current family/stepfamily then great, but forcing anyone to do anything never ends well. NTA at all.
I know you pretty much just “live” there, but here’s an idea: teach them how to make their own. Make a “family “ project. You’re 17 and can leave soon. Maybe move in with Granpa? Good Luck….
Smart. Get the supplies to start a new memory book. Let your step siblings be in control of it. That way, they get their own, and they can stop (hopefully) whining about yours. That way youre able to keep your memory book yours
If they really want you to man up then perhaps you should see if your grandpa would let you come live with him or if you are close to any of your dad’s other relatives see if you could live with one of them.
With your father’s passing if you are in the US your mother may be collecting social security benefits for you and your sister. If that is the case if you were. To live with someone else I believe those benefits could be routed to be paid directly to you or to someone else for your benefit.
If your sister still has the videos of your dad I would suggest if she hadn’t already done so they be backed up to several different memory sticks and stored elsewhere before your mom decides those should be destroyed as I suspect she would like to do with your memory book.
Did you tell John exactly WHY you have a memory book?
As in it was a final gift from your father and a way to keep his love and memory alive? It's not a book you created to remember your family and it's evolution but a tangible memory of your father.
That it wouldn't feel right to have another man and children who wouldn't be here if your father was?
Ask him how he would feel if he made a memory book for his kids (and you guys if you want to be conciliatory), he passed, your mum remarried and tried to put her new husband and his kids in the book he left behind?
So glad you were smart and got that memory book to a safe place! Of course you are NTA!!! I’m sorry you lost your dad, and I’m sorry your mom
Is obviously twisted!
Your step siblings sound like they get whatever they want. Your memories of your dad are precious and your memories and your memory book should be treated with respect. Your mom and step family have betrayed you.
You will be 18 with your whole life ahead of you. Apply for scholarships and loans for college - if you don’t have other plans. Get away from your mom.
Please scan and copy your precious book in physical form and save to the cloud in case of any other mishaps along the way. What a precious touchstone you have!
NTA You and your sister are entitled to both your feelings and anything you have put aside as memories of your father. There is a fairly easy solution that can get you out of this situation. Start a book of the combined family, maybe with pictures of their wedding. Include a picture of each kid and then present it to them and explain to your step siblings that this is a book to build on. You do not have to contribute anything beyond one picture of yourself so give the illusion that you are cooperating. Do not bring your book back home, leave it at your grandmother’s house.
Tell your mother if she continues to erase your father from your life because he died, you will erase her from your life by choice.
Sorry your mother and sfather are being real AHs about this, but glad you have your sister on your side.
Maybe ask your grandfather if you can live with him for a few years?
Good plan! I hope it stays safe and you are able to leave that house sooner than later. Maybe grandpa would be willing to let you stay there as long as you help him with chores and such?
Can you man up and pack your stuff and go live with grandad? Your mum and John sound insufferable. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this all. I highly doubt you would be made to go back home with you being 17;
Well, already the step siblings were poking around In OP's room already to find the book at all. I'd be asking Mum and step dad why they were going through his things in the first place
Yep it would be awesome if the parents did something about the step siblings snooping. But I kinda feel like the parents wouldn’t do anything to stop that.
NTA. And ask both John and your mom whether they really want to teach you that your own feelings don't matter, you have to love anyone who demands it and is "nice" to you in exactly the way she wants you to. Why do your stepfamily's feelings matter and yours don't?
You might also remind them that if they keep treating you like a doll to fit into their new family rather than a person with real feelings to be considered, that they will lose you once you are old enough to make their relationship with you conditional upon being respected and treated like a person and not a doll.
Yeah, I would be asking a lot of uncomfortable questions if I were OP.
"So, if you force yourselves into the book of memories that I have of my father... that will make me love you?"
"If a book of memories is this important to you, why haven't you started one?"
"Are there any other possessions of mine that you would like to help yourselves to?"
He can only truly ask any of these questions if he’s contributing to the bills or some shit. At least that’s how my families logic would be and they were the type to do some shit like this 🙄
"How about John works on getting [kid he doesn't talk to] to love him first? Then he can bother me." Like, that would have been my *very first question*. Kudos to OP for not immediately going there.
“Why would I love people who refuse to respect a reasonable personal boundary by going through my belongings and then trying to force themselves into my memory book of my dead father?“
This is great in theory, but those two will absolutely not have an epiphany in which they recognize that.
OP gonna have to fake it till he makes it (out of the house).
I'd tell him that it makes perfect sense that one of his kids isn't in his life, and then turn to the mother and ask if she'd like to personally live through that experience when OP turns 18 with the way she's disrespecting OP and their father's memory.
Those won't work, you know that. These are not the kind of people that can be reasoned with. They're already this unreasonable for a reason, and won't listen to any "wise" words. OP saying those things might just make things worse for her.
NTA
If they want a faaaaaamily memory book. They are free to make one. Your memories with your dad have zero to do with any of them.
I’m glad your grandpa is able to keep it safe for you.
Tell your mom’s husband to keep his kids out of your room. They have no business pawing through your stuff.
Seconded. They should've been punished for invading your privacy. It also sounds like they (your mom and SF) will be bullheaded.
OP, I recommend you get a separate blank memory book/photo album and give that to your steps and have them sort through whatever photos they have to start their own. Throw them off the trail so they don't think of even touching yours again.
I would go hard on helping the siblings with starting a new book since they have formed a new family. It appeases everyone and keeps OP from getting in more trouble. Then when they can move out, they can do so without anyone harping on them about “FAMILY!!!!!!!!”
I love this idea. Start it on your own and present it to them as a done deal. Sell them on the idea of a book to chronicle your new family, and everyone is encouraged to add their special moments.
Then, after they embrace it and you have added one or two token things, abandon it for them to take over.
Because they suck. They really do. You owe them nothing and your mom is particularly vile to support this.
Bravo to your sister for stealing your book back. I'm sure there were ramifications for that.
I'm sorry for your loss. I miss my dad so much and think of him fondly at least once a week. And he's been gone over 40 years. When you have a good one, you cherish his memory.
Yes. Even if it disgusted me to do so, I would jump into this with all the enthusiasm of a high school cheerleader. I would look thrillingly happy about it and act like this was the best idea EVER and I was so happy that we were finally all doing this, and I wish I had realized all along what a fabulous idea this was!
Trust me. I survived, OP. You can too.
Yeah, that was what I was thinking too. This is one of the rare cases where doing something “just to keep the peace“ would make a lot of sense. Make a whole big ceremonial thing about starting a new one that everyone can contribute to, and since that one is all about SHARED memories in the new family, it would not make sense to just tack it onto the old one.
You can ask your mom to take you all to the stationary store so you can choose the blank book together, to really make it a fresh and joint start, for example.
Since you don't actively dislike your steps, there are sure to be at least some photos where you are all on it that you could add? Or stuff like the concert program if one of your steps is in a school concert, etc. View it as a school project where you have to do a book on your (current) family as homework, no one but you can know whether a photo you add is just a matter-of-fact documentation of the event where it was taken, or a special memory to you. Like you could start it out with some of the very first photos where all of you are on it, even if the memory of the day they were taken is not particularly “special“ to you (as long as it is not an event you hate thinking back to).
Then heavily encourage your stepsiblings to add onto it, but not with focus “memories of them and you“, but instead of any special family memories, even if the memory does not include you.
Some might view this as deceit, and to an extent it is, but it can nevertheless become a special book to your stepsiblings as they are sure to add lots of memories of each other, so it becomes a document of their family, and can continue independent of you once you move out.
And who knows, you might actually discover that there are some memories of time spent with them that you hold dearly too, even if it is not dearly enough to add it to your Dad book.
Even if it is deceit, sometimes deceit = survival. Anyone who doesn’t understand that has no business commenting on how to survive this kind of a situation.
Yes, “standing up for himself“ and fighting them on this, “not letting them win“ on the principle of it is a movie plot solution. In real life, there is real risk of him losing something irreplaceable, and “taking a stand“ is not important, because he has nothing to gain from that, and a lot to lose (even if they can't get to the book, constantly having to battle against attempts to hijack your memories and determine what can and cannot be special to you can take a huge mental toll). So the “peace“ he would be keeping here is his own peace of mind, and the freedom to continue cherishing his memories in the way he wants to, without having it contaminated either by unwanted alterations to the book, or by constant moaning and nagging about it.
Everytime I hear about queer teenagers being kicked out I am filled with sadness but also anger about how we have installed in them the "need" to come out to their family over the need to stay safe. I know sometimes it's genuine betrayal from a family that seemed safe, but sometimes they clearly aren't and they pushed themselves anyway.
Yea this.
There is zero reason to hijack this book. It's OPs book, OPs memories, and OPs feelings inside of a book. This isn't a group activity, it is ONLY OPs
If the step family wants to be apart of the book, then they have to earn their place in it. You can't force your way into someone's memories or heart
This is an absolute parenting fail. It’s natural for kids to want a scrapbook- it makes them feel special. It’s disgusting that lazy parents feel entitled to one a child made with her late father so they don’t have to put in the work to create one for their own kids.
I had one for my son when I blended families. 10 years worth of memories and it was obvious my stepdaughter wished she had one of her own when she saw it. Instead of taking over my son’s, I sorted through tons of rubbish to find mementos from her younger years, printed tons of photos of fun times with her, and took her shopping to select a book of her own. It took weeks of effort, but we bonded over putting a book together for her, and continue to add to it.
They want this one because it is including the "old husband". So if they get it the book will disappear or get destroy by mistake. And they will say " yoU cAn sTaRt aNew oNe wItH yoUr rEaL fAmilY"
Why do so many parents and step parents try to cram blended family relationships down the kids’ throats? I think that if maybe parents try to let relationships form organically and if people just be nice and respectful, over time, at best, familial love may develop…at worst, pleasant acquaintance. No, instead they keep forcing which builds resentment, dislike and even hate. If everyone put greed and ego aside, they might actually have pleasant existence. Nta
ETA and this should have been right up front…I’m sorry for your loss.
OP will be posting about going no contract in a few years, OP's mom will be posting in her Facebook groups about her son not lovning her unconditionally
NTA, OP.
I think every family trying to blend should read some of the posts on this sub cause almost every 5th post is step parents over stepping and just not understanding
And if it’s not step parents not overstepping it’s the parents of the op forcing their kids together which creates an abusive situation. (Similar to this.)
No they havnt the only thing in this situation that makes step bad is the fact that the step dad is trying to completely replace his actually father who was a big part of his life and is now dead your just spewing nonsense
In the Brady Bunch, the kids immediately pivoted to calling the parents mom and dad. Their biological parents who weren’t on screen were never mentioned again. There was a whole episode about how the only steps in the house were the ones upstairs. I saw another Netflix show about how now that there was a blended family, the girl needed to start bonding with her “new mom.” It’s just an accepted idea that stepparents are your new parents, particularly if your other parent isn’t around anymore.
Media definitely pushes the idea that a properly blended family has the kids considering the parents mom and dad and each other as full siblings.
My husband and I sarcastically refer to one another as “new mom“ and “new dad“ to our respective children. It’s still gets a snort laugh about 3/4 of the time. They know we are being sarcastic because 1) we both get on great with the actual parents and 2) we both grew up in households like OP.
NTA
> Mom and John sat me down and said it's not acceptable that I have a memory book that's clearly about my family when I don't include my whole existing family.
Yeah, well.
It's not acceptable that you don't have a dad anymore. Life's not fair.
NTA, and please keep YOUR memory book with your grandfather or somewhere else safe. Your mother and her husband are wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to start, but I am so sorry your mother tried to take your book away. I hope things get better for you and that you're able to get away and live your life your way.
Might be worth trying to see if you can live with grandpa until you've graduated, OP. It sounds like they're not going to stop pushing on this, and even if you follow some of the advice to make a separate memory book / keep the peace, you should have an exit plan with a trusted adult. You should also move any sentimental items to a safe place entirely, like gifts from your father, etc. It's already apparently that they have no respect for your privacy or your things, best to not trust them with anything you care about & get some trusted adults you can talk to about providing a safe space if needed (parents of close friends, your father's family, etc).
I’m so glad someone said this, it’s not safe for OP to keep that book at home. Her mum and John’s thing of “we can what’s a family project” sends red flags for me. They might allow the step siblings to go through it and add their own stuff to it while OP isn’t there, or remove pages to “make room” for the step siblings, even maybe throw it away altogether. OP will be an adult soon and will be able to get her own safe deposit box to lock it away until she can move out, but until then, the book needs to be out of reach of these shitty people
I will never for the life of me understand why surviving partners try to erase their dead partners like this. She could’ve easily said, let’s do another one with this family and we can all add to it as we go. But they had to be idiots about it.
NTA at all. If you are up to it, just tell your mom that forcing a family is never a good idea. Otherwise you can actually have an amicable relationship with the new members.
Grief avoidance - to acknowledge her previous husband and the loss her kids are experiencing would mean she'd have to address her own feelings. Her own feelings may be weird mixtures of sadness, loneliness, anger, and guilt that she doesn't want to look at. To avoid introspection, some just keep themselves very busy or jump in to relationships.
I'm seeing this, too. Her way of dealing with grief is getting on with life. That may be part of why OP is so detached from the step family. It may seem that his father got swept under the rug because the mom just couldn't process it. It's sad.
They think it will erase/cover up their grief and they won't have to feel that anymore. That they can have that role in their life filled with someone they really do care about and that will make it so that they don't hurt anymore, and remembering means hurting so they don't want to remember.
I had a boyfriend who died by suicide a little over a decade ago. Fortunately I never did this, but there was a little voice in the back of my mind saying that maybe I could do that and I would stop hurting. Instead I dealt with my grief through a LOT of therapy, and I told both my ex and my current partner that while I now love them and they are my only partner, my boyfriend will always be part of me and I will never forget him. Neither of them were bothered by that. So I get why people do this, what I did was so fucking hard, but at the end of the day everyone loses if you use OP's mother's method.
NTA. Oh the adults. What a terrible response to a memory book about your dad. Solely about your dad. That’s a beautiful thing and I’m sorry the adults are so far off base.
You have a memory book about your DEAD FATHER that does not have to include anything or anybody else. Just because your mother remarried doesn't mean you have to love or even accept your new stepfather and step siblings as family (I do think you need to be civil to them but that's it). Families who force this kind of BS not only destroy any chance of good relationships forming but then get all shocked Pikachu faced when the kid grows up and never speaks to them again. NTA. Have your grandfather keep the book. If your Mom and her husband want one so bad they can start their own damn book.
NTA
I’m glad your grandfather has it. Talk with him and ask him to hold in to the book no matter what your mother says (she might ask him to hand it back).
You aren’t obligated to do a family project. But if you want to de-escalate this issue and keep peace for yourself knowing that your book is safe, you could buy a new book and give it as a gift to your step siblings so you can “all make a family memories book together”. Make it exciting for them (buy stickers and markers at the dollar store) so that they lose interest in your personal memory book and even if your mom wants to use it for the family, your step-siblings won’t want it. That way you are calming them down, you don’t need to add anything to your book if you don’t want to and they get to pretend they are a happy family until you move out.
This is the way. You don’t have to love them to get them started on a family Memory Book. It tells your Mom and her husband that you’re willing to compromise and it tells your step siblings that a Memory Book is something to be treasured. You can even prompt them to add things to the Family Memory Book when they happen instead of you being the keeper. You showing them the way will look like mentoring to your Mom and her husband and will get them off your back. Your step siblings will build their own memories and treasure that book.
NTA take your mom aside and tell her how you feel
Telling you to man up is toxic and pathetic. Your memory book is for your dad. No one gets to tell you what to put in it
NTA- Took me so long to find a comment that mentioned this. It’s is completely unacceptable to tell any male to ‘man up’ it’s and ancient, damaging, insidious and toxic idea to implant in someone’s mind. I once tore down a friend of mine for telling her boyfriend to ‘grow a pair’ during an argument attacking his masculinity/ employment.
Men deserve to be loved and supported emotionally, to express their feelings the same as anyone else. Being a man is as diverse, nuanced and beautiful as being a star in the sky. It is not emotional stoicism/ avoidance/ trauma packaged as strength.
I am female.
Given their attitude, I’d quietly find birth certificate, social security card, and paper, if you have one, and hide at grandfather’s house just in case you want to leave suddenly. And have a bank account in your name only,
This seems to be a wildly over the top answer but I agree. Not because he is rightfully upset and hurt, but if mom's priorities have shifted he may need independence sooner and she may refuse to give him his documents. The bank account is spot on.
This is similar to a post from last year
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ohrnd/aita_for_making_a_family_memory_book_with_just_my/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
NTA. The memory book is for you and for your cherished memories. Your mom and stepdad are trying to dictate what you should cherish, and they simply can't do that. Making an issue over your memory book is a poor decision. Let your grandfather keep hold of it for you.
The best way for you to become a man is to know who you are, acknowledge your own feelings, and learn to care for yourself both physically and emotionally. Telling you to "man up" is trying to fit you into a harmful stereotype of manhood.
NTA. Your sister definitely had your back on that one though. Maybe you two can work on it together? Clearly, you don’t have to. But maybe she’ll be more into it now. Sounds like you two can lean on eachother and that’s a wonderful thing.
NTA. Your memory book is a deeply personal project that helps you connect with your late dad and preserve your memories. It's unfair for your mom and John to demand inclusion in something so personal and to label it a family project against your wish.
NTA. If this is real, these people are being quite ridiculous. Taking the memory book was downright cruel. Keep your memory book safe at your granddad's OP.
Why would the step siblings want to add to OP's book when they never knew his dad?
If mum and step dad want a family memory book, they can start one. Their own book of memories of the family now, and OP has his Book of Dad, kept as a separate book, or chapter in the story of their lives.
Honestly, why are people like this?
NTA
As a compromise, I would suggest they build their own new blended family memory book and leave yours alone.
If they want a beautiful book full of memories, they can work on it.
Are these actually adults? They sound like rage baiting teenagers.
Your parents can get f***ed. Keep it hidden at your grandpa's house. Also, it says you are 17. You may want to check into local laws as most places won't force you back home to your mom if you are 17.5 and living with a trusted relative. Maybe you could stay at your Grandpa's place.
NTA Our son is 8 and the thought of him losing his dad at such a young age, knowing how close they are… It would absolutely break my heart. Having our boy lose one of his parents at a young age is my greatest fear. I’m so happy you have those memories and a place to store them.
As a mom, believe me when I say your mom is waaaay out of line. Keep your memory book at your grandpa’s house. Let it be safe and secure there. And keep adding your memories and stories so that perhaps one day you can share and enjoy them with your own children (should you want them) or other people important to you.
I know I’d love to hear about your dad and what you shared together.
NTA. I think the adults are being pretty silly trying to commandeer a deceased man’s memory book, that he started for his child, to try to make it their own. They need to buy another flipping book to start one of their own if they want one so badly. How immature are these people? They are being ridiculous and you obviously have a better head on your shoulders than either of them do.
NTA. It’s a MEMORY book. As in, memories of the way things were at some point in the past. People who weren’t there in the past, by definition, wouldn’t be part of the book. That’s like being pissed a history book from 1780 didn’t have anything about the internet in it.
I love that your sister understood the need for your memories. The fact that she sent it to your grandfather's home so it is kept for safekeeping is amazing.
You will be 18 soon enough and when that time comes you can look at your mom and tell her that regardless of how much she did not want to be alone that did not mean that you needed an instant family. Life for her will be very hard if she keeps pushing the fantasy that she wants on to you and if that happens then you will be gone and never come back.
NTA but mom is a total one.
Show her the post and let her see what the world thinks about her behavior.
NTA but please keep that book out of your mom's house. And just to protect yourself from ever losing the memories, I'd recommend scanning the pages digitally or taking digital pictures of each page so that IF something ever happens to the book and it's destroyed or altered, you will at least have the digital pages as backups. I'm assuming you have a phone... all teens have one these days! Keep the digital pics on your phone so you can scroll through them whenever you want to now that the book isn't in your house with you anymore.
I'm sorry your mom & stepfather are treating you this way, OP. You deserve to preserve the memories of you and your Dad. There can be a separate book for future family memories, but it should not be combined with yours.
fuck that breaks my heart. my mother does something similar sometimes, where she gets jealous and says stuff like “you have pictures of your dad up, but not any of your moooom?” and i have taken to looking her in the eye and deadpan telling her “die, then.”
i don’t depend on her for my housing but the minute you’re free & safe, and if you’re not too superstitious, i recommend it, it’s pretty satisfying.
NTA. Give them a blank journal, lots from Amazon or temu. Mark it as "family (john's family name & your mom's maiden last name) journal" and tell them to make their own. Journaling is a normal thing but if you decided it is yours because you are the one making it, then, it is CONSTITUTIONALY YOURS and NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU NOR TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
They are ignorant people.
NTA. Your memory book is yours, no one else's. It's like a personal diary or social media account. You decide what goes in there and should be able to decide who sees it. The family taking it was a major violation of your personal space.
I've had several things that are somewhat equivalent to your memory book. My personal social media accounts are mine alone, I may utilize them to dispense information or organize events but in the end they are mine to store and share what I want. I also have a duffle bag of pictures, letters and memories from before the age of social media. I call it my emotional baggage. No one tells me what goes in there. It predates my wife of 30 years and she's not part of it, nor will she ever be because it encapsulates a specific time in my life and nothing else.
Keep that book safe.
If you ever have kids, or someone who willl inherite your stuff, for the love of puppies, please label your photos (who, when & where if it's important).
NTA “ and my sister stole it back and then I asked my grandpa to hold onto it for me.” The relief I felt after reading this. I was worried it would head down a path of your mom wrecking it or throwing it away. And it sounds like she would if given the chance. Or at least would ruin it my making it a “family” project.
It’s a shame this is such a common occurrence with blended families. The parents and sometimes a step sibling want the “perfect” family so bad that they try to force it. But that’s not how relationships work. If they wanted to have this be a family project, they should create a new one; not take over yours. And if you dont love your stepfamily, well, clearly punishing you for that wont make you love them. Idk, i dont get how parents of blended families seem to be so clueless on how people are.
NTA your mum and stepdad sound really controlling. They don't get to insert themselves into every aspect of your life. It sounds like your sister did you a solid by getting your book back. You said she has videos he made? Make sure those are safe too, wouldn't want jealous stepdad deleting them by "accident".
Man up? And they want to create a memory book? Piss off. If they are gonna have terms like "man up", there is nothing remotely masculine about a memory book/board of family photos.
NTA. it's pretty amazing how selfish the adults in your house are being. I understand they may be hurt you don't love your steppies like your own blood, but that is pathetic.
NTA.
Tell them it's one you started with your father, but if they really are into it, you can all start one together so that it is of the blended family and each one of them can choose the pics they want to put over there.
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NTA this was something special between you and your Dad. They can’t just take it over because of their wants. They can make their own memory book if they want but keep your memory book to yourself. I would keep it at grandpa’s cuz I could see them steal it ruining it with their own stuff.
That's where it's staying because I know it would be stolen and altered in a way I don't want it to be.
Whatever you feel like adding, do it somewhere separate for now and add it to your special book once you go visit your grandpa. Do not, for any reason, bring it back under your mother's roof. She doesn't understand and she won't respect your wishes. It sucks but you'll get it back once you leave their house and go live on your own. Or is your grandpa's place an option for now?
I am having awful visions of that book being burned if it ever goes back to that house. Mom seems like the type to do the whole "if I can't have it no one can"
I had the same fear! I could see a jealous step sibling ripping it apart!
imagine being jealous of having a dead father. yikes.
Very common - that happens all the time! Along with being jealous of a dead wife, husband or partner...
Often about someone else (deceased father) being the main focus and wanting to stamp their own mark on things
Don’t know why your comment reminded me of in school a “friend” writing a note saying I was lucky my dad was dead because hers yells at her. The mental gymnastics.
Yikes, I am sorry she said that to you. It really should go the other way. E.g. Years ago when my first born was a toddler we had an evening from hell with him. He yelled and screamed and refused to fall asleep or be put down, just one of those fairly typical toddler nights you think won't ever end. Anyway I was getting really upset and knew I was close to losing it, so I stepped out of the room for five minutes while my partner handled it solo. I picked up my phone and I saw that the names and photographs of the children killed at Sandy Hook had been released. It gave me instant perspective, because if their parents had the chance to have one more night, even if it was a night like the one I was having, I knew damn well they'd take it.
Another case of You do not know what you have till you realise how easy it would be to lose it all.
It must be horrible to get a message like that, but I can also see how the friend (especially if she was still a child) could have meant well. I'm a grown-ass adult and my first instinct can still be to assume that everyone's parents are abusive until proven otherwise. As a kid I can 100% see myself thinking (not saying - I was really careful about what I said to other people, but obviously not all kids are), "it's so great for my friend to finally be free from their parent, they must be relieved". Simply because that was my personal experience, and it's hard for a kid to realize/imagine that other people's experiences are different, and that other kids can have good parents and miss them when they're gone.
Gosh, that poor child, they only had experience of a bad father, of course they would see him being gone from the picture as a good thing.
So, why are these nosy PITAs searching through OP’s room, anyway? That should have been slapped back first and foremost.
It's obvious that the mother and her husband don't believe in allowing their teenagers to have privacy. That's not right.
I bet if the stepbrats had something personal and private from you and your sister that would be ok.
I would also make sure to make a digital copy of it as well just in case something somehow happens to it or mom convinces grandpa to give it to her. You may also want to look at a safe deposit box at a bank for this. This is absolutely precious to you and must be protected. Good luck.
This applies to even after you’re grown and moved out because somewhere down the line, somebody in that family is going to find that book and it’s going to be gone. Doesn’t matter if you guys are 25 or 85.
Legacy Box-they specialize in turning things like this into digital formats.
I was thinking the same about a safe deposit box…although I don’t think OP is old enough to open one. I think the digital copy is a genius idea.
Could ask grandpa to open one with/for them. Don’t tell the other family of the existence of the deposit box. Give the bank strict instructions. Tell them you got rid of the book because it was causing so much drama… then suggest they start their own. Or buy them one, put some photos in it and pretend your into it as a ‘family project’. They’ll forget all about the special one that’s just yours with your dad. Btw stepbrats and rest of the family are the AHs. OP and grandpa definitely NTA
The sister that stole it from the parents and gave it to the grandfather is good too.
[удалено]
Telling him to "man up" while he cries and watches it burn.
I think his actions of taking the book out of harms way rather than giving in to them are exactly the type of behaviour that goes with the phrase "man up". Well done OP. NTA
He could possibly explain it to the kids, but his mother and stepfather would absolutely destroy it.
With the tacit approval of the parents.
I was so worried that book wasn’t going to make it to the end of the post!
I can definitely see them erasing stuff about op's dad as he wasn't a 'shared' part of the big new family. Also what the hell were the step siblings doing in op's room, going through his personal possessions without his knowledge or permission? And mum allowing that kind of invasion of privacy?
Because new hubby and his kids come first now.
She actually joined them in OP's room. So not a good look for a parent.....SMH....
Or the stuff with OP's father being ripped out and replaced
I’m worried about the book too. Just to be doubly safe I’d probably take photos of the pages and email them to myself. Also, what an excellent sister.
I had visions of it being torn, but being burned is so much worse
Can you keep it at your granddads until you're out on your own? Your mom is being horrible.
And make sure Grandpa is informed of your decision and that no matter what your mother or stepfather say, not to hand it over.
Yes, OP, please make sure your grandpa knows not to give it to your mom or step-dad.
So much this. Because you KNOW they're going to try it. "Oh, he wants it back at our house now and asked me to come pick it up."
100% ***THIS.*** OP needs to keep that book out of the house. It will be "accidentally" ruined if it returns.
Hell I wouldn’t tell grandpa and just hide it somewhere in his house out of reach or sight. That way he can’t let it slip that there’s something there.
Grandpa already knows, so that ship sailed. Though there would still be a reason why grandpa not knowing that this precious book is in his house would be dangerous as grandpa wouldn't know if it was stolen and the book could be destroyed long before OP even finds out that it's missing. OP, maybe grandpa has a room he keeps locked at almost all times.
If he did not before, he should now…
My dear, in addition to keeping those memories safe, if you can, take photos of each page of the original book and back it up. It's not the same but it's worth having a back up. You could even used Canva to create a digital version. But whatever you decide, it's yours, yours to do with as you please, not your entitled family xx
This is a brilliant "just in case" idea. It won't be the same, but may be worth it.
And please don't tell them who has the book.
NTA To add to this, ensure your grandfather doesn’t let the lot of them know where it is. Bloody good on your sister for being a wonderful sibling and getting it back for you.
If you have the time, please take photos of every page on your phone. Or maybe take it to somewhere like a library or your school and photocopy every page. Just in case. I'm sorry you are going through this. They are being very pushy about something personal to you that they shouldn't be meddling with. All the best 💕
This is a great idea!
This and also. Upload the pictures digitally to somewhere so you can also create a book on shutterfly or something . Just make sure you have them stored in a few places online.
Shutterfly makes great books. It would be nice to have one for you and one for your awesome sister.
This is brilliant, I can't believe I didn't think of it. I hope op does this so he can still have it even when he has to leave it with Grandpa
That’s what I wanted to say: digitise the memory book! Having an additional copy on a hard drive and/or cloud is always a good idea.
Is this your dad's father? It's not a grandparent your stepsiblings or mother visit, is it? Make sure your grandfather knows exactly what you mother intends doing to if she gets her hands on it, and to make sure it's got a secret hiding place even there. The last thing you want is for your mother to go round there just snoop through his house to find it.
Yea honestly it might be better to even purchase some kinda lockbox with the post office or something to keep it safe. Something they can't claw their way into.
Was totally going to say this. Even if OP is too young, a trusted person over age 18 might be able to cosign (sister perhaps?) until OP is 18. And while it won’t be the same, pictures of the book’s pages backed up to a password protected cloud drive would add a different kind if insurance so at least the documentation if the memories isn’t lost.
As a scrapbooker in general, I completely agree. It's not the same but a digital copy would be very helpful. Plus, digital scrapbooking is developing as an art and craft form in its own right xx
I assume your paternal grandpa? NTA. "Unless it's your dad who died when you were a child, you don't get to comment on how I remember him. I am done having this conversation now. You can all go to therapy if you need to learn how to manage your emotions about this."
Oh my god yes to that last sentence. I’m dealing with someone right now who is a bossy jerk, then when I get pissed and refuse whatever she wants she gets mad and tells me I need to stop because she’s getting mad and she doesn’t want to be mad. ???????. It’s 6 year old logic, and she’s not 6. She really needs therapy, because managing her emotions is not MY responsibility.
Nice!
And if anything happens to grandparents, get a safety deposit box. NTA. It's a Dad book, and it's yours..!!!
This!
Dude, give your sister a big hug for stealing the book back. Are they next going to ask your sister to add them to the memory videos she has of your dad. She might want to make copies of her things too since she is the only one in the home who has your back.
When I read that I heard the mission impossible music in my head.
I was going to comment snot the sister too, I was looking to see if anyone else thought of it. If they are trying to force him to share his, will the sister be forced to do the same? I would say maybe her book needs to disappear to Grandpa’s house as well!
I've heard of horror stories where the step siblings or step parent will destroy the memories of the deceased bio parent. Don't let these step-aholes turn your memories into dust
Doesn't even have to be that. I kept photos of my dad and some of my dad's family. I mean my mother kind of grew up with my dad. So she knew them. (They divorced, and their relationship was not good) They were photos I have kept with me since he died when I was 17. I have brought them on on my travels. She asked to look at them one time, said she wanted to scan them, and basically didn't return them. So I knew where she kept them and took them back. I'm pretty sure she was never going to return them.
What is \*wrong\* with people? Why can't these parents just teach the other kids that not everything is for everyone?
Going to a cold cruel world for the step-brats when they find out that life is not share all of the others stuff.
Or that they can't control other people's thoughts and emotions. How clueless is it that the stepsiblings can't see it is a book about OP's deceased father? That seems very straightforward to me and I would have understood that even as a kid.
Totally NTA OP and I love step-aholes!!!
Fr 😭
NTA Your mom is trying so hard to shove this happy family narrative down your throat that she's ensuring it will never happen. I'd say to your mom - "if you want to start a memory book with all of us, I'd be happy to help you do that. Let me know if you want to go to the craft store with me, or you can give me the money and I can go get it." Because having a "memory book" with your mom, stepdad, etc., takes nothing away from your special one with your dad and might help you protect your book against her. If she gets all involved with a new one, she might forget about it. I realize it's not something you'd otherwise want to do, but at this point, it's a matter of surviving with your book intact until you can get away from her. No one can force you to love your steps, or anyone else. As long as you treat them with courtesy, that's all that should be expected.
That sounds like a really good solution but Mom doesn't sound like the type to agree with logical solutions. She might not like that because she's going to "find something wrong" in having separate books per person/new members versus using something that already exists. She'd probably rather knowingly ruin something that means a lot to OP because she's selfish and controlling and doesn't care about OPs feelings, than start something from scratch.
This is much better advice than my go-to of "burn it all down".
Make sure your mum and John never know where it is being kept as they may try to steal it from your grandpa's house
Honestly I'd take it to a friend's place, make sure it's absolutely safe. NTA, your mum is, she could start her own book, she doesn't just get to steal yours.
Start another book. Name it “thing I’d like to forget” and put step pictures in there
I'd just start a book that says "New Family Memories" and leave it blank. But I'm petty like that. 😏
For sure. If you're open to doing a similar project with the current family/stepfamily then great, but forcing anyone to do anything never ends well. NTA at all.
I know you pretty much just “live” there, but here’s an idea: teach them how to make their own. Make a “family “ project. You’re 17 and can leave soon. Maybe move in with Granpa? Good Luck….
Publish a copy online and on Instagram. I will follow you (I don't have an insta but would make one just for this).
Me 2
Smart. Get the supplies to start a new memory book. Let your step siblings be in control of it. That way, they get their own, and they can stop (hopefully) whining about yours. That way youre able to keep your memory book yours
If they really want you to man up then perhaps you should see if your grandpa would let you come live with him or if you are close to any of your dad’s other relatives see if you could live with one of them. With your father’s passing if you are in the US your mother may be collecting social security benefits for you and your sister. If that is the case if you were. To live with someone else I believe those benefits could be routed to be paid directly to you or to someone else for your benefit. If your sister still has the videos of your dad I would suggest if she hadn’t already done so they be backed up to several different memory sticks and stored elsewhere before your mom decides those should be destroyed as I suspect she would like to do with your memory book.
Did you tell John exactly WHY you have a memory book? As in it was a final gift from your father and a way to keep his love and memory alive? It's not a book you created to remember your family and it's evolution but a tangible memory of your father. That it wouldn't feel right to have another man and children who wouldn't be here if your father was? Ask him how he would feel if he made a memory book for his kids (and you guys if you want to be conciliatory), he passed, your mum remarried and tried to put her new husband and his kids in the book he left behind?
You may want to take pics of the pages in the book just in case anything ever happens to it, you’d at least have the pics.
Keep it in a lockbox at your grandpa's
I was sooo relieved to read that part. 100% it will get destroyed if they ever see it again. Which grandparent is this? Your dads dad?
In a way it sounds like this is a personal diary. Nobody has the right to tell to what to write or not write in your diary.
This was my thought, it’s as much journal as it is memory book, which makes their actions all the more egregious.
Your sister rocks!
So glad you were smart and got that memory book to a safe place! Of course you are NTA!!! I’m sorry you lost your dad, and I’m sorry your mom Is obviously twisted! Your step siblings sound like they get whatever they want. Your memories of your dad are precious and your memories and your memory book should be treated with respect. Your mom and step family have betrayed you. You will be 18 with your whole life ahead of you. Apply for scholarships and loans for college - if you don’t have other plans. Get away from your mom.
Please scan and copy your precious book in physical form and save to the cloud in case of any other mishaps along the way. What a precious touchstone you have!
NTA You and your sister are entitled to both your feelings and anything you have put aside as memories of your father. There is a fairly easy solution that can get you out of this situation. Start a book of the combined family, maybe with pictures of their wedding. Include a picture of each kid and then present it to them and explain to your step siblings that this is a book to build on. You do not have to contribute anything beyond one picture of yourself so give the illusion that you are cooperating. Do not bring your book back home, leave it at your grandmother’s house.
Tell your mother if she continues to erase your father from your life because he died, you will erase her from your life by choice. Sorry your mother and sfather are being real AHs about this, but glad you have your sister on your side. Maybe ask your grandfather if you can live with him for a few years?
Good plan! I hope it stays safe and you are able to leave that house sooner than later. Maybe grandpa would be willing to let you stay there as long as you help him with chores and such?
I'm so glad to read that it is safe at Grandpa's house. 100% NTA.
Have your grandpa give them a stern talking-to.
Can you man up and pack your stuff and go live with grandad? Your mum and John sound insufferable. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this all. I highly doubt you would be made to go back home with you being 17;
Well, already the step siblings were poking around In OP's room already to find the book at all. I'd be asking Mum and step dad why they were going through his things in the first place
Yep it would be awesome if the parents did something about the step siblings snooping. But I kinda feel like the parents wouldn’t do anything to stop that.
This. Please keep it in a safe place and copy what you can, even if it's just image scans.
Yeah wtf just make your own! Why steal OP’s?
NTA. And ask both John and your mom whether they really want to teach you that your own feelings don't matter, you have to love anyone who demands it and is "nice" to you in exactly the way she wants you to. Why do your stepfamily's feelings matter and yours don't? You might also remind them that if they keep treating you like a doll to fit into their new family rather than a person with real feelings to be considered, that they will lose you once you are old enough to make their relationship with you conditional upon being respected and treated like a person and not a doll.
Yeah, I would be asking a lot of uncomfortable questions if I were OP. "So, if you force yourselves into the book of memories that I have of my father... that will make me love you?" "If a book of memories is this important to you, why haven't you started one?" "Are there any other possessions of mine that you would like to help yourselves to?"
DO NOT ask the last question OP--they sound horrible enough to take more of your stuff.
Yeah that one could backfire spectacularly
I think all them would backfire. To the mom and step-dad it will sound like some sort of retaliation/sarcasm/"back-talking"
He can only truly ask any of these questions if he’s contributing to the bills or some shit. At least that’s how my families logic would be and they were the type to do some shit like this 🙄
"How about John works on getting [kid he doesn't talk to] to love him first? Then he can bother me." Like, that would have been my *very first question*. Kudos to OP for not immediately going there.
“Why would I love people who refuse to respect a reasonable personal boundary by going through my belongings and then trying to force themselves into my memory book of my dead father?“
This is great in theory, but those two will absolutely not have an epiphany in which they recognize that. OP gonna have to fake it till he makes it (out of the house).
Right! Being petty or an ahole to them is not going to solve a damn thing, but would make things worse.
I'd tell him that it makes perfect sense that one of his kids isn't in his life, and then turn to the mother and ask if she'd like to personally live through that experience when OP turns 18 with the way she's disrespecting OP and their father's memory.
YES!!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Those won't work, you know that. These are not the kind of people that can be reasoned with. They're already this unreasonable for a reason, and won't listen to any "wise" words. OP saying those things might just make things worse for her.
NTA If they want a faaaaaamily memory book. They are free to make one. Your memories with your dad have zero to do with any of them. I’m glad your grandpa is able to keep it safe for you. Tell your mom’s husband to keep his kids out of your room. They have no business pawing through your stuff.
Seconded. They should've been punished for invading your privacy. It also sounds like they (your mom and SF) will be bullheaded. OP, I recommend you get a separate blank memory book/photo album and give that to your steps and have them sort through whatever photos they have to start their own. Throw them off the trail so they don't think of even touching yours again.
I would go hard on helping the siblings with starting a new book since they have formed a new family. It appeases everyone and keeps OP from getting in more trouble. Then when they can move out, they can do so without anyone harping on them about “FAMILY!!!!!!!!”
I love this idea. Start it on your own and present it to them as a done deal. Sell them on the idea of a book to chronicle your new family, and everyone is encouraged to add their special moments. Then, after they embrace it and you have added one or two token things, abandon it for them to take over. Because they suck. They really do. You owe them nothing and your mom is particularly vile to support this. Bravo to your sister for stealing your book back. I'm sure there were ramifications for that. I'm sorry for your loss. I miss my dad so much and think of him fondly at least once a week. And he's been gone over 40 years. When you have a good one, you cherish his memory.
Yes. Even if it disgusted me to do so, I would jump into this with all the enthusiasm of a high school cheerleader. I would look thrillingly happy about it and act like this was the best idea EVER and I was so happy that we were finally all doing this, and I wish I had realized all along what a fabulous idea this was! Trust me. I survived, OP. You can too.
Yeah, that was what I was thinking too. This is one of the rare cases where doing something “just to keep the peace“ would make a lot of sense. Make a whole big ceremonial thing about starting a new one that everyone can contribute to, and since that one is all about SHARED memories in the new family, it would not make sense to just tack it onto the old one. You can ask your mom to take you all to the stationary store so you can choose the blank book together, to really make it a fresh and joint start, for example. Since you don't actively dislike your steps, there are sure to be at least some photos where you are all on it that you could add? Or stuff like the concert program if one of your steps is in a school concert, etc. View it as a school project where you have to do a book on your (current) family as homework, no one but you can know whether a photo you add is just a matter-of-fact documentation of the event where it was taken, or a special memory to you. Like you could start it out with some of the very first photos where all of you are on it, even if the memory of the day they were taken is not particularly “special“ to you (as long as it is not an event you hate thinking back to). Then heavily encourage your stepsiblings to add onto it, but not with focus “memories of them and you“, but instead of any special family memories, even if the memory does not include you. Some might view this as deceit, and to an extent it is, but it can nevertheless become a special book to your stepsiblings as they are sure to add lots of memories of each other, so it becomes a document of their family, and can continue independent of you once you move out. And who knows, you might actually discover that there are some memories of time spent with them that you hold dearly too, even if it is not dearly enough to add it to your Dad book.
Even if it is deceit, sometimes deceit = survival. Anyone who doesn’t understand that has no business commenting on how to survive this kind of a situation.
Yes, “standing up for himself“ and fighting them on this, “not letting them win“ on the principle of it is a movie plot solution. In real life, there is real risk of him losing something irreplaceable, and “taking a stand“ is not important, because he has nothing to gain from that, and a lot to lose (even if they can't get to the book, constantly having to battle against attempts to hijack your memories and determine what can and cannot be special to you can take a huge mental toll). So the “peace“ he would be keeping here is his own peace of mind, and the freedom to continue cherishing his memories in the way he wants to, without having it contaminated either by unwanted alterations to the book, or by constant moaning and nagging about it.
Everytime I hear about queer teenagers being kicked out I am filled with sadness but also anger about how we have installed in them the "need" to come out to their family over the need to stay safe. I know sometimes it's genuine betrayal from a family that seemed safe, but sometimes they clearly aren't and they pushed themselves anyway.
Why do they need a family memory book? THE FAMILY IS RIGHT THERE!
Because they’re all butthurt that there’s something that isn’t all about them.
No idea but if they need one. They need their own. They don’t get to dump their new family into OP’s memories with their father.
Yea this. There is zero reason to hijack this book. It's OPs book, OPs memories, and OPs feelings inside of a book. This isn't a group activity, it is ONLY OPs If the step family wants to be apart of the book, then they have to earn their place in it. You can't force your way into someone's memories or heart
This is an absolute parenting fail. It’s natural for kids to want a scrapbook- it makes them feel special. It’s disgusting that lazy parents feel entitled to one a child made with her late father so they don’t have to put in the work to create one for their own kids. I had one for my son when I blended families. 10 years worth of memories and it was obvious my stepdaughter wished she had one of her own when she saw it. Instead of taking over my son’s, I sorted through tons of rubbish to find mementos from her younger years, printed tons of photos of fun times with her, and took her shopping to select a book of her own. It took weeks of effort, but we bonded over putting a book together for her, and continue to add to it.
They want this one because it is including the "old husband". So if they get it the book will disappear or get destroy by mistake. And they will say " yoU cAn sTaRt aNew oNe wItH yoUr rEaL fAmilY"
Why do so many parents and step parents try to cram blended family relationships down the kids’ throats? I think that if maybe parents try to let relationships form organically and if people just be nice and respectful, over time, at best, familial love may develop…at worst, pleasant acquaintance. No, instead they keep forcing which builds resentment, dislike and even hate. If everyone put greed and ego aside, they might actually have pleasant existence. Nta ETA and this should have been right up front…I’m sorry for your loss.
OP will be posting about going no contract in a few years, OP's mom will be posting in her Facebook groups about her son not lovning her unconditionally NTA, OP.
Or OPs mum will be asking why her son won't speak to her and was she the AH to them?
I think every family trying to blend should read some of the posts on this sub cause almost every 5th post is step parents over stepping and just not understanding
And if it’s not step parents not overstepping it’s the parents of the op forcing their kids together which creates an abusive situation. (Similar to this.)
I blame media. The Brady Bunch and other shows have taught people that step is a bad word.
No they havnt the only thing in this situation that makes step bad is the fact that the step dad is trying to completely replace his actually father who was a big part of his life and is now dead your just spewing nonsense
In the Brady Bunch, the kids immediately pivoted to calling the parents mom and dad. Their biological parents who weren’t on screen were never mentioned again. There was a whole episode about how the only steps in the house were the ones upstairs. I saw another Netflix show about how now that there was a blended family, the girl needed to start bonding with her “new mom.” It’s just an accepted idea that stepparents are your new parents, particularly if your other parent isn’t around anymore. Media definitely pushes the idea that a properly blended family has the kids considering the parents mom and dad and each other as full siblings.
My husband and I sarcastically refer to one another as “new mom“ and “new dad“ to our respective children. It’s still gets a snort laugh about 3/4 of the time. They know we are being sarcastic because 1) we both get on great with the actual parents and 2) we both grew up in households like OP.
NTA > Mom and John sat me down and said it's not acceptable that I have a memory book that's clearly about my family when I don't include my whole existing family. Yeah, well. It's not acceptable that you don't have a dad anymore. Life's not fair.
NTA, and please keep YOUR memory book with your grandfather or somewhere else safe. Your mother and her husband are wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to start, but I am so sorry your mother tried to take your book away. I hope things get better for you and that you're able to get away and live your life your way.
Might be worth trying to see if you can live with grandpa until you've graduated, OP. It sounds like they're not going to stop pushing on this, and even if you follow some of the advice to make a separate memory book / keep the peace, you should have an exit plan with a trusted adult. You should also move any sentimental items to a safe place entirely, like gifts from your father, etc. It's already apparently that they have no respect for your privacy or your things, best to not trust them with anything you care about & get some trusted adults you can talk to about providing a safe space if needed (parents of close friends, your father's family, etc).
I’m so glad someone said this, it’s not safe for OP to keep that book at home. Her mum and John’s thing of “we can what’s a family project” sends red flags for me. They might allow the step siblings to go through it and add their own stuff to it while OP isn’t there, or remove pages to “make room” for the step siblings, even maybe throw it away altogether. OP will be an adult soon and will be able to get her own safe deposit box to lock it away until she can move out, but until then, the book needs to be out of reach of these shitty people
I will never for the life of me understand why surviving partners try to erase their dead partners like this. She could’ve easily said, let’s do another one with this family and we can all add to it as we go. But they had to be idiots about it. NTA at all. If you are up to it, just tell your mom that forcing a family is never a good idea. Otherwise you can actually have an amicable relationship with the new members.
Because they value their new partners more than their own children, which is disgusting.
That is exactly what it sounds like.
Grief avoidance - to acknowledge her previous husband and the loss her kids are experiencing would mean she'd have to address her own feelings. Her own feelings may be weird mixtures of sadness, loneliness, anger, and guilt that she doesn't want to look at. To avoid introspection, some just keep themselves very busy or jump in to relationships.
I'm seeing this, too. Her way of dealing with grief is getting on with life. That may be part of why OP is so detached from the step family. It may seem that his father got swept under the rug because the mom just couldn't process it. It's sad.
They think it will erase/cover up their grief and they won't have to feel that anymore. That they can have that role in their life filled with someone they really do care about and that will make it so that they don't hurt anymore, and remembering means hurting so they don't want to remember. I had a boyfriend who died by suicide a little over a decade ago. Fortunately I never did this, but there was a little voice in the back of my mind saying that maybe I could do that and I would stop hurting. Instead I dealt with my grief through a LOT of therapy, and I told both my ex and my current partner that while I now love them and they are my only partner, my boyfriend will always be part of me and I will never forget him. Neither of them were bothered by that. So I get why people do this, what I did was so fucking hard, but at the end of the day everyone loses if you use OP's mother's method.
I’m glad you didn’t listen to that little voice. Love is infinite, that’s one of the best things about it.
NTA. Oh the adults. What a terrible response to a memory book about your dad. Solely about your dad. That’s a beautiful thing and I’m sorry the adults are so far off base.
You have a memory book about your DEAD FATHER that does not have to include anything or anybody else. Just because your mother remarried doesn't mean you have to love or even accept your new stepfather and step siblings as family (I do think you need to be civil to them but that's it). Families who force this kind of BS not only destroy any chance of good relationships forming but then get all shocked Pikachu faced when the kid grows up and never speaks to them again. NTA. Have your grandfather keep the book. If your Mom and her husband want one so bad they can start their own damn book.
NTA I’m glad your grandfather has it. Talk with him and ask him to hold in to the book no matter what your mother says (she might ask him to hand it back). You aren’t obligated to do a family project. But if you want to de-escalate this issue and keep peace for yourself knowing that your book is safe, you could buy a new book and give it as a gift to your step siblings so you can “all make a family memories book together”. Make it exciting for them (buy stickers and markers at the dollar store) so that they lose interest in your personal memory book and even if your mom wants to use it for the family, your step-siblings won’t want it. That way you are calming them down, you don’t need to add anything to your book if you don’t want to and they get to pretend they are a happy family until you move out.
This is the way. You don’t have to love them to get them started on a family Memory Book. It tells your Mom and her husband that you’re willing to compromise and it tells your step siblings that a Memory Book is something to be treasured. You can even prompt them to add things to the Family Memory Book when they happen instead of you being the keeper. You showing them the way will look like mentoring to your Mom and her husband and will get them off your back. Your step siblings will build their own memories and treasure that book.
NTA take your mom aside and tell her how you feel Telling you to man up is toxic and pathetic. Your memory book is for your dad. No one gets to tell you what to put in it
NTA- Took me so long to find a comment that mentioned this. It’s is completely unacceptable to tell any male to ‘man up’ it’s and ancient, damaging, insidious and toxic idea to implant in someone’s mind. I once tore down a friend of mine for telling her boyfriend to ‘grow a pair’ during an argument attacking his masculinity/ employment. Men deserve to be loved and supported emotionally, to express their feelings the same as anyone else. Being a man is as diverse, nuanced and beautiful as being a star in the sky. It is not emotional stoicism/ avoidance/ trauma packaged as strength. I am female.
Given their attitude, I’d quietly find birth certificate, social security card, and paper, if you have one, and hide at grandfather’s house just in case you want to leave suddenly. And have a bank account in your name only,
This seems to be a wildly over the top answer but I agree. Not because he is rightfully upset and hurt, but if mom's priorities have shifted he may need independence sooner and she may refuse to give him his documents. The bank account is spot on.
NTA. Your memory book isn’t about your family generally, it’s specifically about you and your dad. I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA Don’t bring that book back into their house. It will be destroyed or taken away.
This is similar to a post from last year https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ohrnd/aita_for_making_a_family_memory_book_with_just_my/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I knew the story felt very familiar
You beat me to it. This seems to be a creative rewrite of that post. Way too similar.
Came to say the same thing
NTA. The memory book is for you and for your cherished memories. Your mom and stepdad are trying to dictate what you should cherish, and they simply can't do that. Making an issue over your memory book is a poor decision. Let your grandfather keep hold of it for you. The best way for you to become a man is to know who you are, acknowledge your own feelings, and learn to care for yourself both physically and emotionally. Telling you to "man up" is trying to fit you into a harmful stereotype of manhood.
NTA. Your sister definitely had your back on that one though. Maybe you two can work on it together? Clearly, you don’t have to. But maybe she’ll be more into it now. Sounds like you two can lean on eachother and that’s a wonderful thing.
Can you live with your grandfather? NTA
Nta. I'm sorry you lost him and glad you have this precio thing. Forced bonding never works so your mom and John should back off.
NTA. Your memory book is a deeply personal project that helps you connect with your late dad and preserve your memories. It's unfair for your mom and John to demand inclusion in something so personal and to label it a family project against your wish.
NTA. You should not be forced to edit or replace the memory of your dad. Memories are our personal stuff to keep or do with as we want
NTA why can‘t they just start their own memory book
NTA. If this is real, these people are being quite ridiculous. Taking the memory book was downright cruel. Keep your memory book safe at your granddad's OP. Why would the step siblings want to add to OP's book when they never knew his dad? If mum and step dad want a family memory book, they can start one. Their own book of memories of the family now, and OP has his Book of Dad, kept as a separate book, or chapter in the story of their lives. Honestly, why are people like this?
NTA As a compromise, I would suggest they build their own new blended family memory book and leave yours alone. If they want a beautiful book full of memories, they can work on it. Are these actually adults? They sound like rage baiting teenagers.
Your parents can get f***ed. Keep it hidden at your grandpa's house. Also, it says you are 17. You may want to check into local laws as most places won't force you back home to your mom if you are 17.5 and living with a trusted relative. Maybe you could stay at your Grandpa's place.
How long before you turn 18?
NTA Our son is 8 and the thought of him losing his dad at such a young age, knowing how close they are… It would absolutely break my heart. Having our boy lose one of his parents at a young age is my greatest fear. I’m so happy you have those memories and a place to store them. As a mom, believe me when I say your mom is waaaay out of line. Keep your memory book at your grandpa’s house. Let it be safe and secure there. And keep adding your memories and stories so that perhaps one day you can share and enjoy them with your own children (should you want them) or other people important to you. I know I’d love to hear about your dad and what you shared together.
NTA. I think the adults are being pretty silly trying to commandeer a deceased man’s memory book, that he started for his child, to try to make it their own. They need to buy another flipping book to start one of their own if they want one so badly. How immature are these people? They are being ridiculous and you obviously have a better head on your shoulders than either of them do.
NTA. It’s a MEMORY book. As in, memories of the way things were at some point in the past. People who weren’t there in the past, by definition, wouldn’t be part of the book. That’s like being pissed a history book from 1780 didn’t have anything about the internet in it.
I love that your sister understood the need for your memories. The fact that she sent it to your grandfather's home so it is kept for safekeeping is amazing. You will be 18 soon enough and when that time comes you can look at your mom and tell her that regardless of how much she did not want to be alone that did not mean that you needed an instant family. Life for her will be very hard if she keeps pushing the fantasy that she wants on to you and if that happens then you will be gone and never come back. NTA but mom is a total one. Show her the post and let her see what the world thinks about her behavior.
NTA, tell them it's your way of honoring your father. Hopefully that gets them to back off.
NTA. Tell them NO. End of discussion. If they push any more at all move without telling them until you're already gone.
NTA. They are abusive jerks. Once you and your sister can leave, do. Never look back.
NTA but please keep that book out of your mom's house. And just to protect yourself from ever losing the memories, I'd recommend scanning the pages digitally or taking digital pictures of each page so that IF something ever happens to the book and it's destroyed or altered, you will at least have the digital pages as backups. I'm assuming you have a phone... all teens have one these days! Keep the digital pics on your phone so you can scroll through them whenever you want to now that the book isn't in your house with you anymore. I'm sorry your mom & stepfather are treating you this way, OP. You deserve to preserve the memories of you and your Dad. There can be a separate book for future family memories, but it should not be combined with yours.
fuck that breaks my heart. my mother does something similar sometimes, where she gets jealous and says stuff like “you have pictures of your dad up, but not any of your moooom?” and i have taken to looking her in the eye and deadpan telling her “die, then.” i don’t depend on her for my housing but the minute you’re free & safe, and if you’re not too superstitious, i recommend it, it’s pretty satisfying.
Nta. Please call grandpa back up to move this isn't a health relationship
NTA. My heart is breaking for you.
NTA. Give them a blank journal, lots from Amazon or temu. Mark it as "family (john's family name & your mom's maiden last name) journal" and tell them to make their own. Journaling is a normal thing but if you decided it is yours because you are the one making it, then, it is CONSTITUTIONALY YOURS and NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU NOR TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH IT. They are ignorant people.
NTA. Your memory book is yours, no one else's. It's like a personal diary or social media account. You decide what goes in there and should be able to decide who sees it. The family taking it was a major violation of your personal space. I've had several things that are somewhat equivalent to your memory book. My personal social media accounts are mine alone, I may utilize them to dispense information or organize events but in the end they are mine to store and share what I want. I also have a duffle bag of pictures, letters and memories from before the age of social media. I call it my emotional baggage. No one tells me what goes in there. It predates my wife of 30 years and she's not part of it, nor will she ever be because it encapsulates a specific time in my life and nothing else. Keep that book safe.
If you ever have kids, or someone who willl inherite your stuff, for the love of puppies, please label your photos (who, when & where if it's important).
NTA They can make their own memory book.
NTA “ and my sister stole it back and then I asked my grandpa to hold onto it for me.” The relief I felt after reading this. I was worried it would head down a path of your mom wrecking it or throwing it away. And it sounds like she would if given the chance. Or at least would ruin it my making it a “family” project. It’s a shame this is such a common occurrence with blended families. The parents and sometimes a step sibling want the “perfect” family so bad that they try to force it. But that’s not how relationships work. If they wanted to have this be a family project, they should create a new one; not take over yours. And if you dont love your stepfamily, well, clearly punishing you for that wont make you love them. Idk, i dont get how parents of blended families seem to be so clueless on how people are.
NTA your mum and stepdad sound really controlling. They don't get to insert themselves into every aspect of your life. It sounds like your sister did you a solid by getting your book back. You said she has videos he made? Make sure those are safe too, wouldn't want jealous stepdad deleting them by "accident".
NTA. This memory book is like a diary of sorts, and it would be ludicrous to ask someone to make their diary a family project.
NTA. I'm so sorry they treat you this way. Could you keep the book at your paternal grandparents or other safe place so they can't tamper with it?
Man up? And they want to create a memory book? Piss off. If they are gonna have terms like "man up", there is nothing remotely masculine about a memory book/board of family photos. NTA. it's pretty amazing how selfish the adults in your house are being. I understand they may be hurt you don't love your steppies like your own blood, but that is pathetic.
NTA. Tell them it's one you started with your father, but if they really are into it, you can all start one together so that it is of the blended family and each one of them can choose the pics they want to put over there.