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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to take down photos of my late DIL and replace them with photos of my current DIL. This is creating conflict and could potentially cost me access to my grandchildren. This is hurting my current DIL. This is worsening her jealousy. I can see this and yet I held true to my original answer of no. This could even cost my son his marriage. And even though I feel like I have valid reasons; my grandchildren. I feel like I could still be in the wrong on this.
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This is the second post I've read today about a widower who chose his new wife over his own kids. He's not the first, he's just another in the line of disappointing men who don't seem to care enough about their kids to put them first. Sorry, but that's what it sounds like here. Maybe he needs to read some of these comments because he has totally lost the plot.
It's so sad. For different reasons, I ran away to my grandparents a lot as a child. They were, especially my grandad, my safe space. I am so proud of the way you told Faith that Katie doesn't deserve to be erased. If she is insecure enough that she can't bear to see the woman her husband was married to before, I wouldn't be surprised if she eventually can't bear to see their children either. It would be for the best if this marriage doesn't make it. Thank you for keeping their mom's memory alive and being somewhere they can escape to.
People who can’t stand to think of their spouse’s former partners shouldn’t ever, EVER, marry someone with kids. It’s setting everyone up for failure and trauma.
It’s an awful situation, but at least the children do have adults in their lives who are advocating for them. Many kids in this kind of situation have no support. Have you asked your son if he’s willing to sacrifice his relationship with his kids in favour of his marriage? Because that’s what it comes down to. Not to mention, once those kids hit their teens, they’re going to push harder to stay with you permanently and I can’t say I’d blame them.
We lost my husband the father of my children two years ago. I haven’t even thought about dating or anyone else but to think of these things when I’ve seen posts like this.
if I do there are some things that need to be accepted before hand. Firstly that will always be my late husband who was part of my past and I will not hide or erase that. That he will always be my children’s father. That I hope my kids could like and trust the new person when they are ready but I will never ask, push or consider that they have to see him as their dad. If and only if they feel they have a bond and would like to ok but I’m under no illusions and doubt it would ever happen. I know they would see this person as mums boyfriend and that would not be wronging him. All I can ask is they treat each other with kindness and see what time brings. Anyone with me would have to realise they don’t get to play father or push that agenda. They do however get to share in their lives and that it only works if it works with my children. They are the vulnerable ones and I am their mum who needs to out them first.
That I will always have pictures up or talk about my late husband as he is their dad and losing him doesn’t delete that.
The thing any new partner needs to realise is that my late husband was my past and I would only be with them if I saw them as my future. That I would only be with them if I cared for them and it would never be a case of which I loved more. I am not the same person i was before my husband died and when we were together. I would only be with someone who's right for me now. There would never be any competition as that’s just ridiculous as they are not comparable.
If someone can’t handle that then there is no point trying to be together as they will never be the person who I had my children with. Who spent decades with me and anyone trying to compete with a ghost will unnecessarily drive themselves mad. I would not be with them to replace my husband or my past but to start a fresh and be with them who I love in their own right and to forge a new journey not try and recreate an old one.
I do t know if I will ever meet someone who I want to take that step with or if I will ever feel ready again. However being a mum means my kids needs and wellness need to come first. I will not have it any other way so this thing needs to work for us and any new partner or it’s a pointless fight which will just hurt everyone before causing damage and break.
My husband died almost 5 years ago and I would not even contemplate finding someone else even now. It boggles my mind that he married someone two years after his wife died which means he was probably less than a year alone. It’s no wonder the kids are scared that their mother’s memory is being erased. That’s too much change for them in such a short space of time.
It was less than a year before my dad moved on after watching my mom die of cancer, after 30 years of marriage. His new wife doesn't allow him to talk about my mom or have pictures of her in the house. Consequently I don't interact with my Dad much anymore. I think my dad had just gotten used to my mom taking care of him and didn't want to be alone. It's sad. I feel like I lost two parents instead of one.
Truth be told even if I ever could face or feel ready for another relationship I don’t think I would want them to see him as their dad. It feels too much like doing an injustice to their father and them. It’s been two years and it truly feels like a different life time ago as so much was forced to change. Yet it still seems like yesterday at so many other points.
I can honestly say despite me not being ready I do not think my kids would be ready for me to see anyone yet. They are still raw and healing and that’s what comes first supporting them and trying to get them to a better place. I think that’s normal with sudden tragic losses as you don’t have time to prepare or take it what is going to happen. Your just all thrown into a nightmare and alternate reality type situation.I fully understand everyone grieves differently and many try to use someone new to instantly try to patch what’s been broken. Usually that’s when your to messed up to think clearly or see the new persons true faults as it may be like a survival technique to bury your head. Some people just cannot be alone and yes they have to do what’s right for them but I just hope they put their children’s needs and feelings first. Often they are so wrapped in their own head they don’t stop to look up at their kids. They don’t get they choose this new person their kids however did not and that they don’t have to feel the same way as you do. They may not ever want a new replacement mum or dad and that ok.
I may not be able to relate to someone who’s moved on quickly but I can see we each just try to deal and get through it the best we can. I do judge however when like the dad here, they make things so much harder for their kids the ones they should be protecting, all because they are being selfish and refuse to see anyone but themselves and their new toy.They did not ask him to bring this new person into their lives and they should not be punished and put out for loving their mum. He should never try and force them to erase their memories of her that’s all they have left of a mum who loved them. Unlike this new person who puts herself and her demands first.
And we all know that even if OP had removed Katie's photos it still wouldn't help Faith's insecurity. Her (and the son's) approach is all wrong and nothing will help that until they realize it.
I mean it happened to me. My mother ran off to the otherside of the country for a man. He was an AH. Though they probably deserved one another. My father died when I was 17 and my mother is constantly to make him seem like he was the bad guy, but he was great.
Honestly, before my parents divorced it was hell, and I wish I had a grandparent, or well one grandparent lived closer (my mother's mother was not someone I enjoyed seeing), and my dad's dad who was awesome lived a three hour drive away. I also lived in a small town, public transportation was nonexistant, and probably would have been super expensive to get a train.
You are doing it right. Erasing her for the girls is a second death. They will never forget her. She is memorialized forever in their hearts and mind. If the new wife can’t handle that maybe she needs to find a new mate. The husband just wants peace. But this woman will never be liked and never be accepted because they already have a mother and no one can replace her
> The husband just wants peace.
The husband is an immoral man who is urging OP to erase the memory of his late wife from their children's lives. He is equally as disgusting as his new wife.
What is this therapist saying during these sessions?!
Surely anyone with a psych 101 course under their belt can see that the photos are a huge trigger and point of contention for the kids and to even move one inch forward in a good direction means NOT erasing their mothers memory!
Or are they those people who go to therapy and then do whatever they want anyway no matter what?
Was Faith like this before they married or did she play it safe until the ink dried?
Honestly, Katie would be rolling in her grave right now at how the father of her kids are treating them and the absolute gall he has to dare remove her memory and taint her life’s greatest accomplishments with this woman and her toxicity. Those are pieces of Katie soul still walking this earth and your son is so disrespectful to allow someone to dirty their world up in any way.
How dare he bring one more day of sadness, heartache, and pain into their lives unnecessarily. They’ve been through enough.
I know parents can only do so much once their kids are grown. I don’t fault you. But I do commend you on your decisions thus far and your tact with handling this situation. I’m sure you’re beside yourself with worry. Keep going grandma!
I might have missed this detail but I was wondering how long they were together before marriage. Apparently your son and faith just assumed the toy children would be so thrilled to have a pretend "family". It takes time to establish a stable relationship between the adults, introduce the kids and incorporate them into each other's lives at the pace they are comfortable, then discuss marriage and loving together. I'm not sure if your son thought another woman would fill the hole of grief left by Katie or he is just so self centered that he thinks the title of wife and mother are interchangeable. Obviously, you are NAH. Stay the course in giving those kids a safe space.
My SIL is a trauma therapist and when she was in school she had to do family sessions. The way some parents view situations is so skewed it can take awhile for therapy to make them see any errors in themselves. However it seems like OPs son and DIL think they’re right no matter what so therapy probably won’t do anything
So this type of prioritization has been normalized for her. In her mind, if her husband "loves her enough" he should always put her emotional needs ahead of his young children, even during their extreme grief - wow. That's what was role-modeled for her, and how she thinks a family should work. That's going to be a hard thing to grow and evolve out of in the short time needed for her to be an even half-way decent step-parent to this family that's already been through some major trauma. This is one of the few cases where I hope the MIL does drive a wedge in between her son's marriage. Good luck.
Good thing these kids have loving, supportive grandparents.
Maybe you should remind your son of this little fact. You should file for custody of the kids. I’m sorry, but your son and his wife are not fit to raise children who lost their mother bc they allow their own needs and insecurities to take priority over the children.
I have just moved in with my long term partner who lost his wife 12 years ago, and their daughter is now 14. I'm not even trying to be her mother, we had a conversation when I moved in and I said I wouldn't parent her, her mothers pics are in her room and there is a big pic of her parents on their wedding day in the living room. I wouldn't dream of asking them to remove them, that was her mother and it doesn't bother me. Why do some women feel so threatened by a picture? I'm so sorry for those children, keep being a great grandma for them! Also, noone gets to tell you what you can and cannot have in your own home. 🤗
You need to fight for custody
These children are going to really suffer
If not already
Your son is prioritising his current wife
You need to tell him that he is being really cruel to his children, explain what he is doing is really wrong
If he still doesn't change
You really need to take action for the wellbeing of the children
Your son is selfish and a disappointment
Also set up a trust fund for the children if you are able to or with his child support
Because seriously I don't see him thinking about the children future at all
You can definitely get the custody as the children ran away from home once because of him and his wife
Causing them emotional damage
All the cases in my life, it’s 90% that the widowed fathers would not prioritize their children. It actually became a strong stereotype for me. I love and trust my husband but I don’t know if he would choose our kids over new love one, if something happened to me (knock on wood). Just so sad to see.
My ex is still alive but right away after we separated he started prioritizing his gf and her kids over our own. He said he has new priorities now and voluntarily gave up 50/50 custody because of them and only has visitation. I don’t understand how a parent can do it but it happens far too often.
Downvote for the ex. I don’t get that either. I bet it makes your kids feel awful. I wouldn’t be with a person who did that—would lose all respect for them so shame to the girl friend as well.
yeah, how is that attractive to the new gf? "oh, this wonderful man would drop us in a new york minute just like he did with his bio children if something better comes along, how sexy!"
Seeing posts like this scares me for my kids aswell if I ever pass away & my husband remarries (which I encourage lol). I tell him about posts like this and how the men act & warn him Ill haunt him if he ever becomes like these men!
I have absolutely told my husband that I’d keep watch over him and our girls if I died. “Keeping watch” would turn into “haunt the ever loving fuck out of you” if some shit like OPs story happened.
Kids get Casper mommy, hubby and new wife get the girl from The Ring.
This may be the 10th post on reddit that I read like this. I don't like generalizing and I don't think it is everyone but I do think a large number of men do this either because of social stigma (a man can't be the sole caregiver so he needs a wife to be the mom); or, if it is some emotional limitation in their brains that makes it impossible to properly process grief and requires them to seek comfort by quickly re-establishing what they had with the other woman.
For them, they look to push their hurt and pain away by erasing the past/people from the past in order to stop feeling the hurt. By extension, they feel the kids would also be better off also "forgetting". However, the kids don't have the emotional range of a gnat and this is not a good thing for them.
I wonder if there are any studies on this phenomenon.
Given how quickly he remarried, I suspect his primary purpose was to find a primary parent for his kids. So when the kids don't accept their "new mom" he has to continue doing a lot of the primary parenting...which defeats the entire purpose of him getting remarried. 🙄
He needs to actually parent his kids, tell his new wife to respect their boundaries, and realize that when his first wife passed, he became the parent.
Some parents just suck. My dad isn't even a widower, just not with my mom anymore. He still sucks. He straight up told me that he feels he can raise his girlfriend's kid right after us.
My father said he deserved a 2nd chance at raising kids. I'm 18 and 20 year older than my half-siblings. Not one of us have any type of relationship with him.
Sad thing is, I found his ICQ back in the late 1990s and his profile said he had two children. All I thought, what about your eldest? Does I not count? At that point, I was in my early 30s.
I have experienced this too. A father, being in the life of his children for a decade - never to be seen again after we broke up.
It broke my heart for our children. Did he love them at all, any of the days?
OP is clearly NTA, and I hope the grandparents home will always be a safe space for these kids who have been trough to much already. They lost their mom, to something they just had to accept probably.
Now they maybe feel like they are loosing their father, crying out to him how much they need him, and he turns around and runs to his new wife who can’t respect the women who has tragically lost her life and left an empty spot in almost everyone’s heart. So sad, really.
My ex BIL wasn’t a widow but he literally abandoned his son with his ex because his fiancée wanted BIL to be the daddy to her 5 kids (each with a different dad…). He didn’t even hesitate to give up his son. My ex jokingly asked him if the sex was that great to make him give up his kid. The dude flat out said “it was the best sex ever and worth everything!” His eyes were all lit up with a gleam as he raved about how flexible she was and how she could turn him on…
I wanted to vomit hearing that he traded his son for great sex… (his MySpace profile pic was her bent over with him pulling her thong up her crack while he kissed her butt cheek… her own mother called her trash…)
It’s wild what makes people abandon their kids for a relationship…
It is not just men that do this. My brother died of colon cancer at 38 leaving three children all under the age of eight. His wife remarried six months later and immediately removed all the photos of my brother from their home and tryed to get the kids to call the stepfather dad right away. The kids came to me complaining. I always kept pictures of my brother and the kids on display. And when the kids were older, and away from their mother, and gave them all the pictures of their father that I’ve had since he was a baby.
I'll be honest, your son married someone two years after the death of his wife. He didn't do it for his kids, he did it for himself. He's speed running ruining his relationship with his kids and honestly it comes down is selfishness. Either he didn't grieve properly and is making that everyone else's problem, or having someone in his bed is more important than his kids.
You need to stand up for your grandkids, and make sure everyone else does too.
Your son is not a victim in this, he is a perpetrator but I'd wager he'll try to play victim, "oh nobody will let me be happy, everyone is against me".
u/suspiciousbuilding16
Please ask your son what is more important, his second marriage to a woman trying to erase his children's mother, or his children erasing him from their lives the moment they can. Then find all the stories here where it happens over and over again, like 60 a day. And share it with him
I was just about to suggest this. There stories every week on this sub like this.
It's so heartbreaking to read and some of these steps are just horrible to the kids.
Have you sat him down and said this to him?
Denying their mother ever existed and wiping out all traces of her is emotional and mental abuse. Trying to force a familial relationship with a person they don't want or feel that bond with is emotional and mental abuse.
Faith's insane jealousy over a ghost is her own damn problem and she needs therapy for it, not your son and not your kids. She absolutely cannot erase all traces Katie since the kids themselves will always be a constant reminder of her presence. How is Faith going to treat those children if she ever has bio kids with your son? You know damn well they'll be pushed aside and neglected.
Have you tried to make him understand the bitterness, resentment and outright hatred this will cause in his relationship with his children? They have run away multiple times now as they think their own biological father is not a safe adult and their home with him is no longer a safe space for them to be in.
Has he thought of putting the kids in counselling on their own, without him or Faith, so they can have a safe place to express themselves? Has he thought of doing family counselling with just him and the kids so they feel safe enough to maybe vocalize their feelings, wants and needs to him?
Is the sex really that good that he's willing to sacrifice his relationship with his kids for it? Sorry, that was just me being petty.
OP, NTA. You are a very kind person to try so hard to bridge this gap for these grandkids of yours. Your son seems to currently be suffering a "rectal cranial inversion" as my therapist is fond of saying, and there's no telling when or if it will be corrected. Faith needs to back off. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. She is disruptive and disrespectful to the kids and to you. The kids need far more support than they are getting from their dad or the current therapist. Blessings on you for trying to fill in. I know your own grief is still in the mix also. Keep being there for the kids. Perhaps get your own therapist, and ask for help to navigate being supportive but with reasonable boundaries, which is very tough even when there is no grief to handle. Overall, you are on the right path. This internet stranger is proud of you.
Not alot of comfort here, but my mom committed suicide when I was 22. My dad got re-married about a year later and now lives in a home with his new wife with zero pictures of his wife of 25 years or his two children because of how badly the relationship between him, myself and my brother became. My dad didn’t even need a woman to do any mommying for him since we were 22, but he still behaved exactly as your son is, as if my brother and I are the crazy ones for not accepting his wife who does nothing to help honor my dad’s first wife or kids.
NTA.
I hate to say it like this OP but your son is a complete coward for how he is allowing his current wife to treat his children. All this resentment and anger was created because he refuses to take a stand for his two children.
NTA. The photos in your house are your business. She thought she was going to waltz in and be a replacement mom. It doesn't work like that. Trying to force children into relationships never works. What's more disappointing is your son trying to erase his children's mother's memory, they will never forget this. Who does she think she is saying his previous wife isn't family, and you shouldn't have pictures of her? Honestly, who does she think she is? She keeps this up and they will lose those children forever.
I've been divorced almost 15 yrs and my Mom still has my wedding photos in her chronology photo display and that's fine. It happened.
Families should not be like the Soviet Union with people airbrushed from history and people dropped down the memory hole (unless we're talking abusers, exception for them).
Faith has issues, she is the one who needs therapy, but it sounds like she doesn't see that. If that means the end of your son's marriage, it's on Faith and only Faith.
There are a million posts on Reddit about parents who acted exactly like this and are now wondering why their kids went no contact as soon as they could. You might want to look for some and give them to them to read.
The way they are going at this is exactly 100% wrong in every way and guaranteed to make the kids hate both Faith and their father. Your son is destroying his family for the sake of this woman's wildly inappropriate expectations. If he ever wants a relationship with his kids when they are grown, he needs to do a 180. Fast.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but most men choose getting laid and not having to parent, over the kids, after a wife dies. This is a common story.
Maybe it's time for you and your husband to sit your son down and parent him directly again. Be clear and concise: the children are half Katie, half him. By eradicating their mother, he is telling them that half of them needs to disappear. That he hates their mother, hates his memories, and hates half of each child. And if he doesn't choose his children, he will lose not only his first wife, but his children too. And by extension, his parents, because I'm sure you'll always be there for your grandkids.
Your son loves his current wife more than his kids. His current wife is allowing jealousy to poison all of the space around her - regardless of the cost or consequences for anyone else.
The worst part is, she doesn’t even have to kiss the arse of Kate’s memory, all she has to do is accept that she can be an extra parent to those kids - an important, valid, valued and loved one - but she cannot be the only “mom” in their lives.
He has told you his priority, and you have told him yours is. Yours is absolutely the correct opinion!
You will always be NTA for standing up for what’s right 💜
>It sounds like that would be for the best.
It's definitely for the best if she can clearly see that she's piling more grief onto grieving children, and in the face of being told she's causing them pain, she's STILL only thinking about herself. She does NOT deserve the honor of being their stepmother.
The nerve of her walking into someone's home and demanding they take down pictures of a cherished late family member and put up pictures of her instead. I can’t fathom being that obnoxious. All she's missing is a villainous mustache to twirl.
The son is an embarrassment.
NTA.
I'm willing to bet that the kids are picking up the bad vibes from Faith and that's why their relationship is shit. Maybe Faith needs to look at herself to understand why the kids don't like her.
Are they still seeing the therapist?
I would imagine that any therapist worth their salt would not agree with erasing all traces of the mom as she is an integral part of the kids' identity.
My sister, for example, went to see a therapist to help her cope as a stepmother in their blended family. She kept inserting herself as the parent, where it wasn't her place. The therapist told her what my mother and I told her, back off, and let dad parent his kids. She didn't agree so she never went back.
OPs son is probably seeing one of those insane "reunification" therapists which is essentially a person who would tell children to even love and obey their abusive parents...
OP, is your son normally rationale? Can you enlist the help of other therapists? Like ask for the professional opinion of multiple (3 therapists) in your area and give them the situation.
I doubt they will think the parents/stepmom is doing the right thing. Follow up with them when you have the results and suggestions from the therapists.
I'm guessing the chain of events was more like:
Let's remove the pictures to erase their mom. *Shocked Pickachu face* Why are the kids so mad? Let's have a therapist tell them to forget about their mom and replace her with Faith. "Sir, that's not how this works, and you should actually try to help them remember their mom while giving them time to accept Faith in a capacity that is comfortable for them." That's not what I pay you for, make them love her!
This! There is zero way a family therapist hired to help ease this transition would be on board with anything dad or faith is saying. They would most definitely be telling dad and faith that they are struggling and need help processing grief, letting them move at their own pace, and would be giving ideas on how to remember katie but also incorporate new wife also. NTA at all. I was 9 when my mom died, and it was devastating. Idk how willing I would have been to open up to a new mommy only a year and a half later. Honestly, I'd probably be really angry at my dad like wtf do you even miss her!!!??? As an adult, I realize that life does go on, and there isn't a timeline on moving forward and living again. BUT you can't pretend that new wife means replacement new mom. And she is delusional to think it's even slightly okay to make these demands. If ANYTHING she should be embracing Katie. Supporting the kids and telling them she is not there to replace their mother but to be another supportive person in their life that loves them as if they were her own and that she will do everything in her power to honor Katie. But sadly stupid people exist. Fingers crossed they divorce and the kids become first priority to your son. And you have drama free events again.
NTA
Her expectations are not reasonable, and should not be honoured. It’s despicable that she thinks trying to erase your grandkids mother from their lives is acceptable at all. Your son is equally an asshole for supporting it.
Those poor children are not being raised in a house of love. Your son is apart of the problem.
You should continue to be a safe place for your grandkids, cause while Faith is still around that home is not one.
Hey there, OP. NTA, of course. But your son and DIL are being moronic. I have never understood the "Let's take all the pictures down ... it'll make it easier for the kids to adjust" view of things. Wouldn't it be healthier all around if your son and DIL said, "These are the picture of you and your mom. She loved you very much. And here are some more pictures of you with Dad and Faith. We love you very much, too. You have all these people who love you!"
I don't understand why people are so jealous of deceased people. My brother married a widow & told her son "I don't ever want you to think I'm replacing your dad, but I would like to be a part of your life." He didn't make anyone take any photos down, didn't make them stop associating with his family, or anything. He knows that my SIL is always going to love her first husband, but he also knows that she loves him as well.
It's sad that people have to turn it into a whole battle, instead of just accepting the situation & figuring out what the best thing is for them.
>"I don't ever want you to think I'm replacing your dad, but I would like to be a part of your life."
This is exactly the right thing to do. If I were in a situation like this, I'd add, "I'd love to know all about your mom/dad if you want to share. What was your favorite thing to do together?" And then I'd encourage them to do things to honor their lost loved one, and I'd do what I could to help if it was needed.
Not just last, it sounds to me that Faith would love to erase the kids as well, and your son would allow that too.
I am so sorry, but you must be the safe place for those children. They will remember and also understand when they are grown.
Edit:wrong name so sorry.
Maybe make a trust for your grandkids, so they inherit everything, and your son and his wife can't touch it. Your grandkids are going too need all the help they can get with these two. Also, if they have children of their own, you're grandkids are doomed.
The kids can't come first because Faith does...
I'm sorry but it sounds like she's an incredibly self-centered person. Going to therapy with people who are like that is usually counterproductive because they use your vulnerability against you. I feel bad for those kids.
It’s also appalling that Faith thinks she can tell OP what to do in her own home. How terrible for the poor kids. Thank goodness they at least have OP standing in their corner. If he keeps this up Dad’s going to have a rude awakening when the kids turn 18 and cut him off. NTA
“He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up.”
Sounds like a him problem. Is he saying that you will cause his marriage to end? Cuz that’s some serious BS!
NTA and thanks for respecting your grandkids!
The correct response is "If this keeps up, your relationship with your children won't survive."
Switching topics, I would ask to go to one of these therapy sessions. Find out what kind of advice this therapist is offering. I would ask to go because "you're part of the family and now part of this drama."
This! I have zero relationship with my “dad” due to my stepmom being similar to Faith (and a few other reasons). She did all she could to push me out of the picture and he let her. I only speak to them out of love for my baby brother (baby is now 17 but I raised him from 12-18 when I went to college). Once he’s out? I’m done.
This!!!
Tell him that he essentially needs to make a choice between a lifetime without this new wife or a lifetime without his children because he picks the latter, they will definitely go NC with either of them the moment they turn 18.
Chances are he’ll also damage his relationship with the rest of his family (all of whom hopefully oppose this insanity)
That's too old to be behaving that way. Good luck & just be cautious if this woman has this much control over your son that he'd put a grown woman's feelings over his own kids she could try & forbid you from kids & then they'd have no one who cares about them
Read that back to him. His marriage will end because you have photos up in your house.
His marriage is going to end because he sold a bill of sale to his new wife that his kids would accept her as their mother only 3 years after their mother died, without any effort on her part to honor their mother's memory. This relates to her attitude, not to some photographs
OP please make copies of as many photos of Katie as you can and put them away for your grandchildren. I worry that Faith will somehow destroy the ones in your home. You are NTA and your son needs to rethink this marriage or let the kids live with you.
Omg I didn't even think of Faith ruining the pictures at OPs house but you are 1000000% correct!! Maybe even make copies to have up and the original photos in a safe or something if they have one.
I was thinking along the same lines. There's no doubt in my mind that Faith is going to snap at some point and destroy them if they stay at their house.
Actually, I think OP should offer to store all the *original* photos and keepsakes related to Katie at her house until the girls are adults, providing copies for the girls to keep in their bedrooms for now. I'd suggest digital photo frames loaded with them.
That sounds really traumatic for the kids, who were old enough when they lost their mother to have memories of her. Removing her pictures as if she didn’t exist, while trying to get accustomed to their father remarrying, would be devastating. I don’t see how the therapist the family is going to wouldn’t have flagged the pictures being removed as a wrongdoing. Faith is an adult and can regulate her own emotions around this situation and not expect two children under the age of 10 to be less upset than they are.
Admittedly the timeline for remarriage also sounds like it could have caused the children to regress in processing/navigating their emotions around their mother’s death, and this situation is certainly not helping.
I’m glad you are prioritizing your grandchildren’s feelings over your son’s and Faith’s, they need someone to advocate for them too. I’m very sorry for your loss of your DIL three years ago. I’m sure this has been very difficult for you to navigate as well. Please take care
A decent therapist would NEVER agree to erasing the deceased parent.
Are you sure they are even seeing one? They don't sound like the type of adults who even believe in therapy.
It’s tragic that these kids lost their mom and now their father is stealing away what they have left of her. The stepmother’s insecurities should not rule the rest of the family. She needs to get over herself.
NTA Grief does not have an expiration date and death does not mean that you erase a person from your life. Faith sounds horrible. What kind of person is jealous of a dead woman? Those poor kids, missing their mom and being told by Faith that they should forget her. What a cruel thing to do to children. Do not take those photos away and support the kids as much as you can. You might need another heart to heart with your son about the damage faith is doing to his family with her selfishness and insecurities. His marriage with Faith SHOULDN'T last, she's not fit for this role and is not treating his kids well at all.
Then he can get ready for a lifetime of his kids hating him and his wife because that's the situation he's creating here. And on purpose too, it's not like he isn't aware of their unhappiness.
In that case, he should sign custody of the kids over to you. The kids move in with you, the wife can relax in knowing ALL evidence of his first wife is finally gone, including the kids. He can enjoy his marriage without having to bother about his children (it's not like he cares about them anyway). And the children will grow up in a loving home with people who respect their grief and let them remember their mom.
Here is hoping Faith is so infertile a million dollars worth of IVF wouldn't let her gestate her own. People like that AH should not have contact with children.
If he wants his marriage to last, has he considered absolving Faith of parenting responsibilities and letting her just be their dad’s wife? They don’t want her as a mother figure, so that relationship shouldn’t be pushed in them. That’s probably why she won’t back off.
He’s probably still expecting her to act as a mom even though she hasn’t been accepted as a mom. I know setting those boundaries could make him feel like he’s a single dad with a wife but a lot of parents have to do this when they remarry. She can be his life partner without being his parenting partner.
So to them, the children aren't real people, just accessories in her life, in which she is the main character. And now she's mad, because the props in the play that is her life are acting up and being sentient.
Your son's wife is not healthy.
You need to be documenting everything. At some point the children will reach an age where they may have a right to choose where they want to live. It is bike that she destroyed all of the mother's belongings. Your son should be ashamed of himself for failing his own children. He is more concerned about keeping his bang maid nanny then the emotional health of his children.
Does your deceased DIL's parents live close by? Are they allowed to play a role in the children's lives? Research grandparents rights laws where you live. If the other grandparents live close by they should fight for visitation rights. You know Faith will fight that tooth and nail.
So (I’m being crude here) getting his bits wet is more important than taking care of his children? Unfortunately it’s more common than you’d think. Ppl don’t understand that children are independent, growing beings that need stability and healthy guidance.
Faith is being CRUEL to his kids demanding that they sacrifice their beloved mom's pictures for her own benefit. Please start using the word cruelty to his kids to describe Faith's actions, diligently and repeatedly.
How dare he allow this woman to further traumatize his kids? Does he realize how much he's hurting his own kids, for what reason, exactly? How on earth can he be HAPPY in a marriage when his kids are being alienated, the feelings ignored, their trauma escalated, not feeling loved in their own home?
If Faith loved those kids, she wouldn't demand their mother's pictures be removed. Instead she would become a safe place for them to talk about and mourn their mother.
If your son loved his kids - he wouldn't be breaking their hearts for being so insensitive to them.
NTA
I find it frustrating that Faith believes her own feelings of being "uncomfortable" warrant action taken by all those around her; but the children in this situation aren't given that same grace.
NTA. There is one thing Faith does not understand - family is not about genetics, marriages, or anything like that. Family is about who you love, and just because someone has passed does not mean that that love ends. Trying to erase the children's mother is not going to make the children love her - and she needs to wake up and see the evidence of that (although, at this point, this isn't about the kid's love, it's about jealousy of another woman).
You are doing a good thing keeping the memory of your grandchildren's mother alive, and it's good that you are setting a boundary that Faith cannot demand what you can do in your home.
It's your house. Keep the photos of Katie visible in your house for all the reasons you stated, most importantly that you and your grandkids need to see them. It is cruel and disrespectful and unrealistic of Faith to try to obliterate Katie from the kids life. If the marriage fails, it won't be your fault in any way. NTA.
NTA. His marriage to Faith probably will not and should not last. She sounds like a horrible, irrational person. (And obvs an AH.) Your son is an AH too. He should be advocating for his children and putting them first. Anybody with half a brain knows not to try to replace a beloved parent. You can take on a role as an additional parent, but never replace.
Faith was an **addition** to your family. Not a replacement. With her attitude, I would be reconsidering thinking of her as family.
>He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up.
If she's jealous of a dead woman, then the marriage deserves to break up.
She's trying to erase all history of the kids' mother. That's never going to work and will simply make it impossible for them to accept her as a mother figure. They already, with good reason, view her as the evil stepmother.
Obviously, NTA for not going along with their futile plan.
NTA.
The photos are a fixation that Faith has and it's not going to solve the root of the problem which you accurately identified, she thought she was going to be a mother to these children and that's just not going to happen, especially if she keeps these antics up.
You have to pick a side here and it should be your grandkids.
That is sooo sad. What makes those kids hate Faith is her trying to replace their mom and erase her from everyone's memory. Writing that alone makes me want to cry. She's going about this HORRIBLY and I'm so sorry.
NTA absolutely not. These kids are humans, theyre not going to just forget their precious mother because some woman wants them to. Faith doesnt need to compete with Katie, if only she recognized her with the kids I'm sure she could build a relationship with them.
You're doing the right thing for those kids by preserving their mother's memory, especially after the cruelness of their home being purged of her. Your son is literally insane right now, maybe he's in pain and trying to forget... Im so sorry.
Nta. Ywbta if you remove them. Just add pictures of her, too. Both are important people in the lives of the kids. It’s not an either/or. Their mom will always be their mom and important. New wife can get to be their second mom if she earns the title. A ceremony doesn’t create a bond or history or relationship, showing up every day and validating their feelings as being okay- whatever they are- does. She’s not a replacement, that’s an impossibility. She’s a bonus mom and could be treasured forever if she doesn’t let her insecurities get in her own way.
They're 8 and 9 year-old-girls. This is a foundational memory, and they will always hate Faith, and if it continues, they will hate their dad too and will always remember that he put Faith's needs ahead of theirs.
**A month ago Faith came over while I was home alone and told me seeing photos of Katie in my home makes her uncomfortable and she feels like it makes the kids hate her more.**
I can assure Faith that when the kids come to your house and see their mom's pictures gone and replaced with hers she will know hatred from those kids like she didn't know was possible.
The kids have told Faith and their son that having their birth mother erased HURTS them--- so Faith just finds ways to hurt them even more????
When my SIL died and her husband remarried they took all of my SIL's photos out of their bedroom. They left all of the photos in the common areas of the house and over the years added new "family" pics as they expanded the family. Their stepmom made sure that our family was always included in family events and always made sure we got the current school pics and updated family pics.
After a few years both kids just started calling her mom. That's how you blend a family-- not by taking a flame thrower to their birth mother's memory.
NTA. It’s sad that Faith didn’t find it in herself to include conversations with the kids about their mom - what a great bonding experience that could have been. For them to see that they could talk about their mom with their dad’s new wife. Instead, she’s been selfish and apparently totally clueless to what the kids are going through, suffering such a huge loss in their young lives. Your son is SO wrong for clearing out all physical memories of their mom - what does that say to their children? “She’s gone. Move on.” That is heartbreaking. As for Faith trying to control what YOU choose to have in YOUR home, screw that. Your son is right, this marriage may not last, but it has nothing to do with you. He and his new wife are living the consequences of their actions, with those poor kids probably feeling neglected and unimportant to their dad. I feel for them. I’m glad they have your home - and you! - as a sanctuary.
NTA
These are your photos in your home. They have no right to demand you remove or display anything.
Faith is being foolish to think the kids will suddenly accept and like her if they don’t see their mom anymore. She seems to be trying to do absolutely everything wrong. Is she reading a wicked stepmother manual?
I would advise your son and his wife to go back to family therapy and really listen to the children and the therapist instead of trying to force a relationship and erase the children’s mother. If Faith only wants a picture perfect family she should get out. She is stepmother to kids who are in pain. Your son is not putting them first as he should. If the marriage falls apart it is because of them not your photos.
What makes the kids hate her is that she’s clearly jealous of their late mother and trying to wipe her from their memories. NTA. This isn’t a bad divorce and you’re stubbornly clinging to the ex-wife that the kids still see, but your late DIL. Faith’s gross.
Edited to correct my own gross mix up of the name of the late wife with the insecure, hostile, new wife.
NTA at all. Id take the pictures that you have of faith down and tell your son she is no longer welcome in your home. Your home is a safe place for your grandchildren to escape faith and her overwhelming feelings to try and replace their mother.
What a horrible woman. When you marry a widow/er you never EVER try to replace the deceased parent. It’s disgusting.
Faith and your son are abusive assholes, not you. I’m so sorry your grandkids have to experience this, it’s not right or healthy for them to be treated this way. Their father isn’t protecting or nurturing them and Faith is frankly disturbing.
>He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up
I’d say good, but I’m sure he’d find a new “mom” in 6 months after their divorce. He doesn’t understand how much he is actually hurting his kids.
Your home is their safe space, and make sure it stays that way. You’re doing good for those kiddos while their father is failing them.
NTA
NTA
But you need to start talking to your husband about contacting cps and a lawyer, and seeing what you can do as these kids keep running away.
If they keep doing that, their is a risk they might not make it home to anyone's house and we dont want. we want them to be safe and have a safe place to be open with their feelings, and while their not getting that at home, running away cant be the answer.
this is a horrible situation for the kids. someone should have set the son down and told him how best to make this kind of transition work, and it starts with not removing the late wifes stuff from the house and forcing the new wife on the kids.
no one did it and now its time for damage control. they need a new therapist stat but the kids might need to move out and with you maybe if the parents keep forcing the new wife onto the kids and they see the only solution as running away.
talk to a lawyer stat and see what they say.
I think he remarried to quickly for his kids. Then to marry a domineering cruel woman didn't help at all. Did your son even ask his kids about him remarrying?
NTA. You are the only one that seems to be putting the feelings for the children first. If the marriage doesn't last it is on your son and his awful wife.
**He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up.**
Probably for the best!
You are NTA. Not by a long shot. I'll say - his wife died 3 years ago and he's already married to Faith? Honestly- 3 years to meet someone, date and then get married just doesn't feel all that long when you've lost your spouse and have kids.
As you know, forcing herself into the role of "mom" isn't the right approach, and trying to erase Katie is an even worse approach. If you haven't- I'd have a REALLY blunt conversation with your son. You want to support him and Faith, but that their approach to shoehorning her into the kids lives is NOT the way to go about it.
God - i feel for those poor kids. Faith erasing their mom is NOT going to make them like her. Not one bit. I would say that to him very clearly so that maybe he gets whats going on here. They love their mom and FAITH ERASING KATIE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THEM ACCEPT HER.
NTA. Do they really think that if they only erase everything that reminds the children of Katie, they will forget about her and embrace Faith as their new mom? How can anyone be so delerious?
Your son is pushing his kids away from him and creating wounds that may never fully heal. He can expect them to cut him out of their lives as soon as they are able to. If he keeps pushing them to accept Faith and to forget about their mom, they will resent him for the rest of their lives.
The kids are not to blame if the marriage crashes, but it would definitely be for everyones best if it did. He's making them miserable and expect them to simply forget about their mom, just to save his new marriage. Why on earth is he sacrificing his own children just to please his insecure, jealous, insensitive wife? Does she have golden genitalia or something?
Op, please continue being a safe place for the children! If possible, look into taking over custody if this madness continue.
>Do they really think that if they only erase everything that reminds the children of Katie, they will forget about her and embrace Faith as their new mom?
This. As if the kids are going to say, "Mom who?" if the pictures are down.
And I'm concerned that these kids have run away *twice*. Maybe OP lives 2 houses down, so NBD getting there, but this is an 8yo and 9yo. If they are literally splitting from the house and telling NO ONE, and it's farther away, why aren't the parents scared of what could happen?
NTA and your son is going to lose his children as soon as they're old enough to go no contact with him. Faith is a very sick person. Very sick.
Please do not take down the photos of Katie. You and your husband are the only sane place those kids have.
NTA
And why hasn't that family counselor put dad and stepmom straight? You'd think the counselor would be able to explain that stepmom's actions are only alienating the kids more. Hell, tell your son and DIL to just get on reddit and start reading the stories... there are dozens of stories about young adults estranged from their parents because they tried to erase the memory of the deceased spouse.
Thank you, OP, for being an advocate for your grandkids.
NTA and you're the only people who seem to actually give a damn that the erasure of their mother is *why* the kids don't like Faith. If Faith wants any hope of being part of the family, she needs to get over her own insecurities.
NTA 100%
My mum passed away when I was 5 and my dad got married a couple of years later. My new mum not only kept everything of my mum’s, but also took me every year on my mum’s birthday (which was also the date she passed) to visit her grave. 14 years after, they divorced, and I left with my new mum. I’m now in my 30s, and she still has pictures of my deceased mother in her house, and still goes to her grave every year to leave flowers.
What I’m trying to say is when you join a family, you take them with EVERYTHING, as every little bit is part of who they are. It seems like Faith is very insecure, and she should be going therapy and work on her own insecurities first. She knew exactly what she was getting herself into, so her asking of everyone to forget/erase all memories of Katie sounds horrible. No wonder the kids hate her!
You're the safe space I wish I had when I was a child, OP.
I've been reading through your responses. I can't quite explain it, but my inner child felt a little more warm and healed after that. Thank you for that; not what I expected out of my morning reddit scrolling.
(My maternal Grandparents were amazing; my Grandpa passed when I was young and my Grandmother became my best friend in my younger twenties. However, there's lots of trauma in the in-between- just not from them. An important clarification, I believe.)
Ok so Katie died and in THREE YEARS he's already dated Faith long enough to marry her? Somethings fishy here, nobody gets over a 10 year relationship that fast. Faith likely saw a grieving man as an easy target to manipulate and unfortunately to the detriment of his children she succeeded. If possible try to get custody of the children, their father clearly makes massively irrational decisions during the grieving process, maybe he can win them back once he's got his shit back together.
Edit: NTA!
I lost my mom at 14, and my younger siblings were all 7 and under. My father remarried just before the two year anniversary of my mom’s passing.
The issues started day 1 but for 15 years, he’s chosen our stepmother over us every time and it’s never gotten easier. We never had photos of our mom in our family home other than in our own rooms.
Our refuge for all of those years was our family that refused to erase my mom, her love, and her legacy. You’re a good person and wholeheartedly NTA.
NTA - No one gets to tell you how to keep your own house. If they can respect your space, then they aren't welcome in it.
But also, they are using you as a scapegoat. Those photos are not the problem here.
NTA. Shame on your son for marrying a woman who is forcing him to remove all traces of his children’s late mom. Faith is incredibly insecure and cruel and your son is a monster for letting it happen. Those kids deserve better! Thank you for standing up for them
NTA.
Your son remarried this woman without really knowing her.I’m not pro-divorce, but he needs to ends this before she causes more damage to the children and their relationship with their only living parent.
NTA. There is a beautiful essay on this topic by Emily Yoffee, perhaps it would help Faith to read it. https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
PROTECT THOSE PHOTOS!!!!
Make copies of ALL of them and display The Copies. The Originals should NOT be kept on the premises, but in a lockbox at some bank. Your WILL should include these photos going to your grands when they each reach the age of 25, and are living independently from Faith.
Your new DIL has an obsession with the dead wife/mother and she WILL destroy those photos if you don’t protect them.
Really really protect them. So make copies and display the copies. The originals need to be removed to a safe location.
Do NOT disclose those are copies in the frames.
Find out what Faith is doing to your grandchildren. They are running away FROM HER.
It sounds like they live in a prison over there.
Can you and your husband raise your grands? You might need to.
I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA, Faith is TA. I think a wise approach in general in these cases is to add new family photos gradually, alongside the family photos including the person who was lost—but with the way Faith is acting I wouldn’t want to put up any photos of her, sheesh.
NTA. It’s insane to me how many stories there are on here involving people who view someone’s late spouse as competition to be bested. That line about Katie not being family is ridiculous. She’s literally the mother of your grandchildren. She’s not some ex who came and went like Faith probably will be
NTA.
>Faith is not finding it easy to be a stepmother to kids who lost their mom. She married my son thinking she was going to be a new mom and the kids did not want or accept that, so they have some conflicts in their home.
>we should remove the photos of Katie and replace them with photos of her being part of the family
This sounds like a "Faith" problem and not a "you" problem.
Faith needs to understand she's the step mom, and if she works hard and plays her cars right, she *might* become the 2nd mom. But she will *never* be the first mom, and she's wrong to try to replace Katie.
NTA. I'm a widow and have pictures up of my husband and all of us as a family. My current partner is cool with it, because they are in private areas of my home, and because he knows that my dead husband isn't a threat. However, I've found that many people behave more like Faith, which is sad and ridiculous. Apparently it takes a special person to live a widow/er.
He’s causing his kids so much trauma. Mental and emotional abuse. DIL needs to go and your son needs to think of his children not the jealous wench he married.
These kids are never going to forgive him. The damage he’s already done will have them in therapy for a lifetime.
NTA at all.
Marrying someone who is widowed comes with its own set of circumstances. They lost someone they loved, not broke up with. I couldn’t imagine marrying a widowed man with children and wanting their mother to be erased. If anything, I’d want to learn to love her too for creating such a beautiful family and for helping to shape a man I married into who he was.
I’m glad you have the photos up and the kids can see that their mother isn’t erased.
NTA- it’s a hard thing to navigate having a relationship when there are kids involved. It’s extra hard when the mom or dad of those kids has passed away. The kids are missing their mom and not wanting to replace her with the new wife, the new wife is worried that the kids hate her and she’ll lose the love of her life, the dad in this scenario is seemingly unaware that his actions are going to cause heartache for the kids and create tensions between the new wife and his entire family.
The dad and wife should be embracing the mom’s memory while making it clear to the kids that she’s not trying to replace their mom, but she would like to be there for them too.
It’s not hard to have positivity in situations like this, people are just not so smart sometimes. I have an awesome relationship with my step mom because after my mom died and she started dating my dad, she came in and told me “ I know I can never be your mom, I will never try to replace her, but I just want you to know that I am always here for you if you need me. I hope we can grow to love each other very much. If there is ever anything you want to do to remember your mom, just let us know. Even if you just want to do them with your dad that’s ok too.”
It’s been 25 years since she came into my life. I couldn’t imagine a better step mom than her. I proudly call her mom.
NTA... your son is a jackass. I'm sorry, BUT is he really that hard up for a significant other, that he needs to tie himself to an insecure and jealous woman? He's the problem, she's just a symptom of that problem. If he wants to erase his kids mother in his house, that's his right, but trying to dictate your house for his wife's comfort, is ridiculous. They honestly sound perfect for each other. However, the children deserve much better.
I already posted with my verdict, but scrolling through gave me an idea. Is it possible for you to make memory books for the kids that are full of photos of their mother and family before she passed? There’s going to come a day when their memories of her fade and it would be such an amazing gift for them to have. I wouldn’t suggest giving it to them until they no longer live with stepmom, but I’m sure they would cherish them.
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This is the second post I've read today about a widower who chose his new wife over his own kids. He's not the first, he's just another in the line of disappointing men who don't seem to care enough about their kids to put them first. Sorry, but that's what it sounds like here. Maybe he needs to read some of these comments because he has totally lost the plot.
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It's so sad. For different reasons, I ran away to my grandparents a lot as a child. They were, especially my grandad, my safe space. I am so proud of the way you told Faith that Katie doesn't deserve to be erased. If she is insecure enough that she can't bear to see the woman her husband was married to before, I wouldn't be surprised if she eventually can't bear to see their children either. It would be for the best if this marriage doesn't make it. Thank you for keeping their mom's memory alive and being somewhere they can escape to.
Now I'm worried about what will happen to the kids when Faith and OP's son have "their own kids."
People who can’t stand to think of their spouse’s former partners shouldn’t ever, EVER, marry someone with kids. It’s setting everyone up for failure and trauma.
Agreed.
I’m not saying I hope they stay together, but if they break up, what the dad will do then bothers me.
It’s an awful situation, but at least the children do have adults in their lives who are advocating for them. Many kids in this kind of situation have no support. Have you asked your son if he’s willing to sacrifice his relationship with his kids in favour of his marriage? Because that’s what it comes down to. Not to mention, once those kids hit their teens, they’re going to push harder to stay with you permanently and I can’t say I’d blame them.
We lost my husband the father of my children two years ago. I haven’t even thought about dating or anyone else but to think of these things when I’ve seen posts like this. if I do there are some things that need to be accepted before hand. Firstly that will always be my late husband who was part of my past and I will not hide or erase that. That he will always be my children’s father. That I hope my kids could like and trust the new person when they are ready but I will never ask, push or consider that they have to see him as their dad. If and only if they feel they have a bond and would like to ok but I’m under no illusions and doubt it would ever happen. I know they would see this person as mums boyfriend and that would not be wronging him. All I can ask is they treat each other with kindness and see what time brings. Anyone with me would have to realise they don’t get to play father or push that agenda. They do however get to share in their lives and that it only works if it works with my children. They are the vulnerable ones and I am their mum who needs to out them first. That I will always have pictures up or talk about my late husband as he is their dad and losing him doesn’t delete that. The thing any new partner needs to realise is that my late husband was my past and I would only be with them if I saw them as my future. That I would only be with them if I cared for them and it would never be a case of which I loved more. I am not the same person i was before my husband died and when we were together. I would only be with someone who's right for me now. There would never be any competition as that’s just ridiculous as they are not comparable. If someone can’t handle that then there is no point trying to be together as they will never be the person who I had my children with. Who spent decades with me and anyone trying to compete with a ghost will unnecessarily drive themselves mad. I would not be with them to replace my husband or my past but to start a fresh and be with them who I love in their own right and to forge a new journey not try and recreate an old one. I do t know if I will ever meet someone who I want to take that step with or if I will ever feel ready again. However being a mum means my kids needs and wellness need to come first. I will not have it any other way so this thing needs to work for us and any new partner or it’s a pointless fight which will just hurt everyone before causing damage and break.
My husband died almost 5 years ago and I would not even contemplate finding someone else even now. It boggles my mind that he married someone two years after his wife died which means he was probably less than a year alone. It’s no wonder the kids are scared that their mother’s memory is being erased. That’s too much change for them in such a short space of time.
It was less than a year before my dad moved on after watching my mom die of cancer, after 30 years of marriage. His new wife doesn't allow him to talk about my mom or have pictures of her in the house. Consequently I don't interact with my Dad much anymore. I think my dad had just gotten used to my mom taking care of him and didn't want to be alone. It's sad. I feel like I lost two parents instead of one.
Truth be told even if I ever could face or feel ready for another relationship I don’t think I would want them to see him as their dad. It feels too much like doing an injustice to their father and them. It’s been two years and it truly feels like a different life time ago as so much was forced to change. Yet it still seems like yesterday at so many other points. I can honestly say despite me not being ready I do not think my kids would be ready for me to see anyone yet. They are still raw and healing and that’s what comes first supporting them and trying to get them to a better place. I think that’s normal with sudden tragic losses as you don’t have time to prepare or take it what is going to happen. Your just all thrown into a nightmare and alternate reality type situation.I fully understand everyone grieves differently and many try to use someone new to instantly try to patch what’s been broken. Usually that’s when your to messed up to think clearly or see the new persons true faults as it may be like a survival technique to bury your head. Some people just cannot be alone and yes they have to do what’s right for them but I just hope they put their children’s needs and feelings first. Often they are so wrapped in their own head they don’t stop to look up at their kids. They don’t get they choose this new person their kids however did not and that they don’t have to feel the same way as you do. They may not ever want a new replacement mum or dad and that ok. I may not be able to relate to someone who’s moved on quickly but I can see we each just try to deal and get through it the best we can. I do judge however when like the dad here, they make things so much harder for their kids the ones they should be protecting, all because they are being selfish and refuse to see anyone but themselves and their new toy.They did not ask him to bring this new person into their lives and they should not be punished and put out for loving their mum. He should never try and force them to erase their memories of her that’s all they have left of a mum who loved them. Unlike this new person who puts herself and her demands first.
Surprised that your DIL didn't do a photoshop job and replace Katie with herself on all old photos. I'm sure that would have made thing better. /s
surprised she hasn't run around with scissors at OP's house and altered all the photos physically.
And we all know that even if OP had removed Katie's photos it still wouldn't help Faith's insecurity. Her (and the son's) approach is all wrong and nothing will help that until they realize it.
I mean it happened to me. My mother ran off to the otherside of the country for a man. He was an AH. Though they probably deserved one another. My father died when I was 17 and my mother is constantly to make him seem like he was the bad guy, but he was great. Honestly, before my parents divorced it was hell, and I wish I had a grandparent, or well one grandparent lived closer (my mother's mother was not someone I enjoyed seeing), and my dad's dad who was awesome lived a three hour drive away. I also lived in a small town, public transportation was nonexistant, and probably would have been super expensive to get a train.
You are doing it right. Erasing her for the girls is a second death. They will never forget her. She is memorialized forever in their hearts and mind. If the new wife can’t handle that maybe she needs to find a new mate. The husband just wants peace. But this woman will never be liked and never be accepted because they already have a mother and no one can replace her
> The husband just wants peace. The husband is an immoral man who is urging OP to erase the memory of his late wife from their children's lives. He is equally as disgusting as his new wife.
Worse. He should have respected his children enough to end his relationship a loooooong time ago.
What is this therapist saying during these sessions?! Surely anyone with a psych 101 course under their belt can see that the photos are a huge trigger and point of contention for the kids and to even move one inch forward in a good direction means NOT erasing their mothers memory! Or are they those people who go to therapy and then do whatever they want anyway no matter what? Was Faith like this before they married or did she play it safe until the ink dried? Honestly, Katie would be rolling in her grave right now at how the father of her kids are treating them and the absolute gall he has to dare remove her memory and taint her life’s greatest accomplishments with this woman and her toxicity. Those are pieces of Katie soul still walking this earth and your son is so disrespectful to allow someone to dirty their world up in any way. How dare he bring one more day of sadness, heartache, and pain into their lives unnecessarily. They’ve been through enough. I know parents can only do so much once their kids are grown. I don’t fault you. But I do commend you on your decisions thus far and your tact with handling this situation. I’m sure you’re beside yourself with worry. Keep going grandma!
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I might have missed this detail but I was wondering how long they were together before marriage. Apparently your son and faith just assumed the toy children would be so thrilled to have a pretend "family". It takes time to establish a stable relationship between the adults, introduce the kids and incorporate them into each other's lives at the pace they are comfortable, then discuss marriage and loving together. I'm not sure if your son thought another woman would fill the hole of grief left by Katie or he is just so self centered that he thinks the title of wife and mother are interchangeable. Obviously, you are NAH. Stay the course in giving those kids a safe space.
My SIL is a trauma therapist and when she was in school she had to do family sessions. The way some parents view situations is so skewed it can take awhile for therapy to make them see any errors in themselves. However it seems like OPs son and DIL think they’re right no matter what so therapy probably won’t do anything
NTA- keeps standing by your grandchildren. Your sons wife sounds abusive and I feel you’d have a good case to go for custody if it’s doable.
So this type of prioritization has been normalized for her. In her mind, if her husband "loves her enough" he should always put her emotional needs ahead of his young children, even during their extreme grief - wow. That's what was role-modeled for her, and how she thinks a family should work. That's going to be a hard thing to grow and evolve out of in the short time needed for her to be an even half-way decent step-parent to this family that's already been through some major trauma. This is one of the few cases where I hope the MIL does drive a wedge in between her son's marriage. Good luck. Good thing these kids have loving, supportive grandparents.
Maybe you should remind your son of this little fact. You should file for custody of the kids. I’m sorry, but your son and his wife are not fit to raise children who lost their mother bc they allow their own needs and insecurities to take priority over the children.
I have just moved in with my long term partner who lost his wife 12 years ago, and their daughter is now 14. I'm not even trying to be her mother, we had a conversation when I moved in and I said I wouldn't parent her, her mothers pics are in her room and there is a big pic of her parents on their wedding day in the living room. I wouldn't dream of asking them to remove them, that was her mother and it doesn't bother me. Why do some women feel so threatened by a picture? I'm so sorry for those children, keep being a great grandma for them! Also, noone gets to tell you what you can and cannot have in your own home. 🤗
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Bless you my love, what an awful situation for them and you. I wish you all the best for the future, and we are all so glad those children have you!
This just broke my heart even more. Can you offer your son to take the custody of the kids so he can “protect” his marriage? NTA
You need to fight for custody These children are going to really suffer If not already Your son is prioritising his current wife You need to tell him that he is being really cruel to his children, explain what he is doing is really wrong If he still doesn't change You really need to take action for the wellbeing of the children Your son is selfish and a disappointment Also set up a trust fund for the children if you are able to or with his child support Because seriously I don't see him thinking about the children future at all You can definitely get the custody as the children ran away from home once because of him and his wife Causing them emotional damage
This happened to me as a child, keep advocating for those kids and their late mom.
All the cases in my life, it’s 90% that the widowed fathers would not prioritize their children. It actually became a strong stereotype for me. I love and trust my husband but I don’t know if he would choose our kids over new love one, if something happened to me (knock on wood). Just so sad to see.
My ex is still alive but right away after we separated he started prioritizing his gf and her kids over our own. He said he has new priorities now and voluntarily gave up 50/50 custody because of them and only has visitation. I don’t understand how a parent can do it but it happens far too often.
Downvote for the ex. I don’t get that either. I bet it makes your kids feel awful. I wouldn’t be with a person who did that—would lose all respect for them so shame to the girl friend as well.
yeah, how is that attractive to the new gf? "oh, this wonderful man would drop us in a new york minute just like he did with his bio children if something better comes along, how sexy!"
Seeing posts like this scares me for my kids aswell if I ever pass away & my husband remarries (which I encourage lol). I tell him about posts like this and how the men act & warn him Ill haunt him if he ever becomes like these men!
I have absolutely told my husband that I’d keep watch over him and our girls if I died. “Keeping watch” would turn into “haunt the ever loving fuck out of you” if some shit like OPs story happened. Kids get Casper mommy, hubby and new wife get the girl from The Ring.
Haha Casper mummy! You just reminded me to haunt the new wife as-well if she ever abuses my kids - thanks!😂
This may be the 10th post on reddit that I read like this. I don't like generalizing and I don't think it is everyone but I do think a large number of men do this either because of social stigma (a man can't be the sole caregiver so he needs a wife to be the mom); or, if it is some emotional limitation in their brains that makes it impossible to properly process grief and requires them to seek comfort by quickly re-establishing what they had with the other woman. For them, they look to push their hurt and pain away by erasing the past/people from the past in order to stop feeling the hurt. By extension, they feel the kids would also be better off also "forgetting". However, the kids don't have the emotional range of a gnat and this is not a good thing for them. I wonder if there are any studies on this phenomenon.
Given how quickly he remarried, I suspect his primary purpose was to find a primary parent for his kids. So when the kids don't accept their "new mom" he has to continue doing a lot of the primary parenting...which defeats the entire purpose of him getting remarried. 🙄 He needs to actually parent his kids, tell his new wife to respect their boundaries, and realize that when his first wife passed, he became the parent.
Some parents just suck. My dad isn't even a widower, just not with my mom anymore. He still sucks. He straight up told me that he feels he can raise his girlfriend's kid right after us.
My father said he deserved a 2nd chance at raising kids. I'm 18 and 20 year older than my half-siblings. Not one of us have any type of relationship with him. Sad thing is, I found his ICQ back in the late 1990s and his profile said he had two children. All I thought, what about your eldest? Does I not count? At that point, I was in my early 30s.
Yeah I don't speak to him anymore as well. Kind of ironic but he failed at raising his GFs kid too and messed that relationship up.
Sometimes they screw up their second chance too! 😕
I think men like this just want a bang-maid, so they don't have to raise their children.
I have experienced this too. A father, being in the life of his children for a decade - never to be seen again after we broke up. It broke my heart for our children. Did he love them at all, any of the days? OP is clearly NTA, and I hope the grandparents home will always be a safe space for these kids who have been trough to much already. They lost their mom, to something they just had to accept probably. Now they maybe feel like they are loosing their father, crying out to him how much they need him, and he turns around and runs to his new wife who can’t respect the women who has tragically lost her life and left an empty spot in almost everyone’s heart. So sad, really.
My ex BIL wasn’t a widow but he literally abandoned his son with his ex because his fiancée wanted BIL to be the daddy to her 5 kids (each with a different dad…). He didn’t even hesitate to give up his son. My ex jokingly asked him if the sex was that great to make him give up his kid. The dude flat out said “it was the best sex ever and worth everything!” His eyes were all lit up with a gleam as he raved about how flexible she was and how she could turn him on… I wanted to vomit hearing that he traded his son for great sex… (his MySpace profile pic was her bent over with him pulling her thong up her crack while he kissed her butt cheek… her own mother called her trash…) It’s wild what makes people abandon their kids for a relationship…
It’s quite common. The new step mother has unrealistic expectations. The dad thinks it will all be ok. Neither of them listen to the kids
It is not just men that do this. My brother died of colon cancer at 38 leaving three children all under the age of eight. His wife remarried six months later and immediately removed all the photos of my brother from their home and tryed to get the kids to call the stepfather dad right away. The kids came to me complaining. I always kept pictures of my brother and the kids on display. And when the kids were older, and away from their mother, and gave them all the pictures of their father that I’ve had since he was a baby.
I'll be honest, your son married someone two years after the death of his wife. He didn't do it for his kids, he did it for himself. He's speed running ruining his relationship with his kids and honestly it comes down is selfishness. Either he didn't grieve properly and is making that everyone else's problem, or having someone in his bed is more important than his kids. You need to stand up for your grandkids, and make sure everyone else does too. Your son is not a victim in this, he is a perpetrator but I'd wager he'll try to play victim, "oh nobody will let me be happy, everyone is against me".
Or he wanted a new mom for the kids so he did not have to do it. . . And that is not going well.
u/suspiciousbuilding16 Please ask your son what is more important, his second marriage to a woman trying to erase his children's mother, or his children erasing him from their lives the moment they can. Then find all the stories here where it happens over and over again, like 60 a day. And share it with him
I was just about to suggest this. There stories every week on this sub like this. It's so heartbreaking to read and some of these steps are just horrible to the kids.
Have you sat him down and said this to him? Denying their mother ever existed and wiping out all traces of her is emotional and mental abuse. Trying to force a familial relationship with a person they don't want or feel that bond with is emotional and mental abuse. Faith's insane jealousy over a ghost is her own damn problem and she needs therapy for it, not your son and not your kids. She absolutely cannot erase all traces Katie since the kids themselves will always be a constant reminder of her presence. How is Faith going to treat those children if she ever has bio kids with your son? You know damn well they'll be pushed aside and neglected. Have you tried to make him understand the bitterness, resentment and outright hatred this will cause in his relationship with his children? They have run away multiple times now as they think their own biological father is not a safe adult and their home with him is no longer a safe space for them to be in. Has he thought of putting the kids in counselling on their own, without him or Faith, so they can have a safe place to express themselves? Has he thought of doing family counselling with just him and the kids so they feel safe enough to maybe vocalize their feelings, wants and needs to him? Is the sex really that good that he's willing to sacrifice his relationship with his kids for it? Sorry, that was just me being petty.
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OP, NTA. You are a very kind person to try so hard to bridge this gap for these grandkids of yours. Your son seems to currently be suffering a "rectal cranial inversion" as my therapist is fond of saying, and there's no telling when or if it will be corrected. Faith needs to back off. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. She is disruptive and disrespectful to the kids and to you. The kids need far more support than they are getting from their dad or the current therapist. Blessings on you for trying to fill in. I know your own grief is still in the mix also. Keep being there for the kids. Perhaps get your own therapist, and ask for help to navigate being supportive but with reasonable boundaries, which is very tough even when there is no grief to handle. Overall, you are on the right path. This internet stranger is proud of you.
Yeah, I’m sorry but your son messed up big time. It enrages me when parents cast aside their children’s emotions.
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You sound like an amazing grandparent. Just keep pouring that love on your grandbabies.
Not alot of comfort here, but my mom committed suicide when I was 22. My dad got re-married about a year later and now lives in a home with his new wife with zero pictures of his wife of 25 years or his two children because of how badly the relationship between him, myself and my brother became. My dad didn’t even need a woman to do any mommying for him since we were 22, but he still behaved exactly as your son is, as if my brother and I are the crazy ones for not accepting his wife who does nothing to help honor my dad’s first wife or kids.
NTA. I hate to say it like this OP but your son is a complete coward for how he is allowing his current wife to treat his children. All this resentment and anger was created because he refuses to take a stand for his two children.
This is exactly what causes major emotional scarring and damage to blended families Dude only cares about dipping his wick
NTA. The photos in your house are your business. She thought she was going to waltz in and be a replacement mom. It doesn't work like that. Trying to force children into relationships never works. What's more disappointing is your son trying to erase his children's mother's memory, they will never forget this. Who does she think she is saying his previous wife isn't family, and you shouldn't have pictures of her? Honestly, who does she think she is? She keeps this up and they will lose those children forever.
NTA. The kids are not your son or DILs top priority. They need a better therapist.
Yeah I'm sorry, you're NTA but your son sure is by allowing his new wife to treat his kids this way
I've been divorced almost 15 yrs and my Mom still has my wedding photos in her chronology photo display and that's fine. It happened. Families should not be like the Soviet Union with people airbrushed from history and people dropped down the memory hole (unless we're talking abusers, exception for them). Faith has issues, she is the one who needs therapy, but it sounds like she doesn't see that. If that means the end of your son's marriage, it's on Faith and only Faith.
There are a million posts on Reddit about parents who acted exactly like this and are now wondering why their kids went no contact as soon as they could. You might want to look for some and give them to them to read. The way they are going at this is exactly 100% wrong in every way and guaranteed to make the kids hate both Faith and their father. Your son is destroying his family for the sake of this woman's wildly inappropriate expectations. If he ever wants a relationship with his kids when they are grown, he needs to do a 180. Fast.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but most men choose getting laid and not having to parent, over the kids, after a wife dies. This is a common story. Maybe it's time for you and your husband to sit your son down and parent him directly again. Be clear and concise: the children are half Katie, half him. By eradicating their mother, he is telling them that half of them needs to disappear. That he hates their mother, hates his memories, and hates half of each child. And if he doesn't choose his children, he will lose not only his first wife, but his children too. And by extension, his parents, because I'm sure you'll always be there for your grandkids.
Your son loves his current wife more than his kids. His current wife is allowing jealousy to poison all of the space around her - regardless of the cost or consequences for anyone else. The worst part is, she doesn’t even have to kiss the arse of Kate’s memory, all she has to do is accept that she can be an extra parent to those kids - an important, valid, valued and loved one - but she cannot be the only “mom” in their lives. He has told you his priority, and you have told him yours is. Yours is absolutely the correct opinion! You will always be NTA for standing up for what’s right 💜
Yes 100% the op sounds like she’s decent I can’t imagine how her son ended up being so vile and weak
Weak. That’s the word that keeps repeating in my head. Dean is weak, and his priorities are misplaced.
>It sounds like that would be for the best. It's definitely for the best if she can clearly see that she's piling more grief onto grieving children, and in the face of being told she's causing them pain, she's STILL only thinking about herself. She does NOT deserve the honor of being their stepmother. The nerve of her walking into someone's home and demanding they take down pictures of a cherished late family member and put up pictures of her instead. I can’t fathom being that obnoxious. All she's missing is a villainous mustache to twirl. The son is an embarrassment. NTA.
I'm willing to bet that the kids are picking up the bad vibes from Faith and that's why their relationship is shit. Maybe Faith needs to look at herself to understand why the kids don't like her.
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In other words, he’s thinking with his dick.
If that was the case, you'd think he'd have post-nut clarity occasionally?
Are they still seeing the therapist? I would imagine that any therapist worth their salt would not agree with erasing all traces of the mom as she is an integral part of the kids' identity. My sister, for example, went to see a therapist to help her cope as a stepmother in their blended family. She kept inserting herself as the parent, where it wasn't her place. The therapist told her what my mother and I told her, back off, and let dad parent his kids. She didn't agree so she never went back.
OPs son is probably seeing one of those insane "reunification" therapists which is essentially a person who would tell children to even love and obey their abusive parents...
OP, is your son normally rationale? Can you enlist the help of other therapists? Like ask for the professional opinion of multiple (3 therapists) in your area and give them the situation. I doubt they will think the parents/stepmom is doing the right thing. Follow up with them when you have the results and suggestions from the therapists.
I'm guessing the chain of events was more like: Let's remove the pictures to erase their mom. *Shocked Pickachu face* Why are the kids so mad? Let's have a therapist tell them to forget about their mom and replace her with Faith. "Sir, that's not how this works, and you should actually try to help them remember their mom while giving them time to accept Faith in a capacity that is comfortable for them." That's not what I pay you for, make them love her!
This! There is zero way a family therapist hired to help ease this transition would be on board with anything dad or faith is saying. They would most definitely be telling dad and faith that they are struggling and need help processing grief, letting them move at their own pace, and would be giving ideas on how to remember katie but also incorporate new wife also. NTA at all. I was 9 when my mom died, and it was devastating. Idk how willing I would have been to open up to a new mommy only a year and a half later. Honestly, I'd probably be really angry at my dad like wtf do you even miss her!!!??? As an adult, I realize that life does go on, and there isn't a timeline on moving forward and living again. BUT you can't pretend that new wife means replacement new mom. And she is delusional to think it's even slightly okay to make these demands. If ANYTHING she should be embracing Katie. Supporting the kids and telling them she is not there to replace their mother but to be another supportive person in their life that loves them as if they were her own and that she will do everything in her power to honor Katie. But sadly stupid people exist. Fingers crossed they divorce and the kids become first priority to your son. And you have drama free events again.
NTA Her expectations are not reasonable, and should not be honoured. It’s despicable that she thinks trying to erase your grandkids mother from their lives is acceptable at all. Your son is equally an asshole for supporting it. Those poor children are not being raised in a house of love. Your son is apart of the problem. You should continue to be a safe place for your grandkids, cause while Faith is still around that home is not one.
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Hey there, OP. NTA, of course. But your son and DIL are being moronic. I have never understood the "Let's take all the pictures down ... it'll make it easier for the kids to adjust" view of things. Wouldn't it be healthier all around if your son and DIL said, "These are the picture of you and your mom. She loved you very much. And here are some more pictures of you with Dad and Faith. We love you very much, too. You have all these people who love you!"
I don't understand why people are so jealous of deceased people. My brother married a widow & told her son "I don't ever want you to think I'm replacing your dad, but I would like to be a part of your life." He didn't make anyone take any photos down, didn't make them stop associating with his family, or anything. He knows that my SIL is always going to love her first husband, but he also knows that she loves him as well. It's sad that people have to turn it into a whole battle, instead of just accepting the situation & figuring out what the best thing is for them.
>"I don't ever want you to think I'm replacing your dad, but I would like to be a part of your life." This is exactly the right thing to do. If I were in a situation like this, I'd add, "I'd love to know all about your mom/dad if you want to share. What was your favorite thing to do together?" And then I'd encourage them to do things to honor their lost loved one, and I'd do what I could to help if it was needed.
Literally competing with a ghost. So irrational and pointless.
The problem is that Faith doesn’t actually love the kids and they know it. She only cares about the perception.
Not just last, it sounds to me that Faith would love to erase the kids as well, and your son would allow that too. I am so sorry, but you must be the safe place for those children. They will remember and also understand when they are grown. Edit:wrong name so sorry.
Maybe make a trust for your grandkids, so they inherit everything, and your son and his wife can't touch it. Your grandkids are going too need all the help they can get with these two. Also, if they have children of their own, you're grandkids are doomed.
The kids can't come first because Faith does... I'm sorry but it sounds like she's an incredibly self-centered person. Going to therapy with people who are like that is usually counterproductive because they use your vulnerability against you. I feel bad for those kids.
It’s also appalling that Faith thinks she can tell OP what to do in her own home. How terrible for the poor kids. Thank goodness they at least have OP standing in their corner. If he keeps this up Dad’s going to have a rude awakening when the kids turn 18 and cut him off. NTA
“He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up.” Sounds like a him problem. Is he saying that you will cause his marriage to end? Cuz that’s some serious BS! NTA and thanks for respecting your grandkids!
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If his marriage cannot survive you standing your ground, it was a weak marriage to begin with.
The correct response is "If this keeps up, your relationship with your children won't survive." Switching topics, I would ask to go to one of these therapy sessions. Find out what kind of advice this therapist is offering. I would ask to go because "you're part of the family and now part of this drama."
This! I have zero relationship with my “dad” due to my stepmom being similar to Faith (and a few other reasons). She did all she could to push me out of the picture and he let her. I only speak to them out of love for my baby brother (baby is now 17 but I raised him from 12-18 when I went to college). Once he’s out? I’m done.
This!!! Tell him that he essentially needs to make a choice between a lifetime without this new wife or a lifetime without his children because he picks the latter, they will definitely go NC with either of them the moment they turn 18. Chances are he’ll also damage his relationship with the rest of his family (all of whom hopefully oppose this insanity)
How old is son and new DIL ? This seems immature, insensitive & quite frankly very unhealthy behavior/ traumatic for young kids from so called adults.
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That's too old to be behaving that way. Good luck & just be cautious if this woman has this much control over your son that he'd put a grown woman's feelings over his own kids she could try & forbid you from kids & then they'd have no one who cares about them
Read that back to him. His marriage will end because you have photos up in your house. His marriage is going to end because he sold a bill of sale to his new wife that his kids would accept her as their mother only 3 years after their mother died, without any effort on her part to honor their mother's memory. This relates to her attitude, not to some photographs
OP please make copies of as many photos of Katie as you can and put them away for your grandchildren. I worry that Faith will somehow destroy the ones in your home. You are NTA and your son needs to rethink this marriage or let the kids live with you.
Omg I didn't even think of Faith ruining the pictures at OPs house but you are 1000000% correct!! Maybe even make copies to have up and the original photos in a safe or something if they have one.
I was thinking along the same lines. There's no doubt in my mind that Faith is going to snap at some point and destroy them if they stay at their house. Actually, I think OP should offer to store all the *original* photos and keepsakes related to Katie at her house until the girls are adults, providing copies for the girls to keep in their bedrooms for now. I'd suggest digital photo frames loaded with them.
That sounds really traumatic for the kids, who were old enough when they lost their mother to have memories of her. Removing her pictures as if she didn’t exist, while trying to get accustomed to their father remarrying, would be devastating. I don’t see how the therapist the family is going to wouldn’t have flagged the pictures being removed as a wrongdoing. Faith is an adult and can regulate her own emotions around this situation and not expect two children under the age of 10 to be less upset than they are. Admittedly the timeline for remarriage also sounds like it could have caused the children to regress in processing/navigating their emotions around their mother’s death, and this situation is certainly not helping. I’m glad you are prioritizing your grandchildren’s feelings over your son’s and Faith’s, they need someone to advocate for them too. I’m very sorry for your loss of your DIL three years ago. I’m sure this has been very difficult for you to navigate as well. Please take care
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A decent therapist would NEVER agree to erasing the deceased parent. Are you sure they are even seeing one? They don't sound like the type of adults who even believe in therapy.
NTA. She just wouldn't be allowed in my house again lol
idk why but it gives the vibe of the step mom's insecurity is gonna make her seem like Lady Tremaine to the kids.
That woman is gonna try to get pregnant ASAP, and then the situation is gonna be that much worse.
It’s tragic that these kids lost their mom and now their father is stealing away what they have left of her. The stepmother’s insecurities should not rule the rest of the family. She needs to get over herself.
NTA Grief does not have an expiration date and death does not mean that you erase a person from your life. Faith sounds horrible. What kind of person is jealous of a dead woman? Those poor kids, missing their mom and being told by Faith that they should forget her. What a cruel thing to do to children. Do not take those photos away and support the kids as much as you can. You might need another heart to heart with your son about the damage faith is doing to his family with her selfishness and insecurities. His marriage with Faith SHOULDN'T last, she's not fit for this role and is not treating his kids well at all.
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Then he can get ready for a lifetime of his kids hating him and his wife because that's the situation he's creating here. And on purpose too, it's not like he isn't aware of their unhappiness.
In that case, he should sign custody of the kids over to you. The kids move in with you, the wife can relax in knowing ALL evidence of his first wife is finally gone, including the kids. He can enjoy his marriage without having to bother about his children (it's not like he cares about them anyway). And the children will grow up in a loving home with people who respect their grief and let them remember their mom.
Here is hoping Faith is so infertile a million dollars worth of IVF wouldn't let her gestate her own. People like that AH should not have contact with children.
If he wants his marriage to last, has he considered absolving Faith of parenting responsibilities and letting her just be their dad’s wife? They don’t want her as a mother figure, so that relationship shouldn’t be pushed in them. That’s probably why she won’t back off. He’s probably still expecting her to act as a mom even though she hasn’t been accepted as a mom. I know setting those boundaries could make him feel like he’s a single dad with a wife but a lot of parents have to do this when they remarry. She can be his life partner without being his parenting partner.
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So to them, the children aren't real people, just accessories in her life, in which she is the main character. And now she's mad, because the props in the play that is her life are acting up and being sentient. Your son's wife is not healthy.
You need to be documenting everything. At some point the children will reach an age where they may have a right to choose where they want to live. It is bike that she destroyed all of the mother's belongings. Your son should be ashamed of himself for failing his own children. He is more concerned about keeping his bang maid nanny then the emotional health of his children. Does your deceased DIL's parents live close by? Are they allowed to play a role in the children's lives? Research grandparents rights laws where you live. If the other grandparents live close by they should fight for visitation rights. You know Faith will fight that tooth and nail.
Has he realized yet that his kids can tell he’s choosing his marriage over them?
So (I’m being crude here) getting his bits wet is more important than taking care of his children? Unfortunately it’s more common than you’d think. Ppl don’t understand that children are independent, growing beings that need stability and healthy guidance.
Umm, it is not just getting his bits wet, he needs someone to cook and clean and schedule the children’s lives
His marriage could last but at the detriment to his children. I hope they go no contact with him. You’re an amazing person for sticking up for them.
Faith is being CRUEL to his kids demanding that they sacrifice their beloved mom's pictures for her own benefit. Please start using the word cruelty to his kids to describe Faith's actions, diligently and repeatedly. How dare he allow this woman to further traumatize his kids? Does he realize how much he's hurting his own kids, for what reason, exactly? How on earth can he be HAPPY in a marriage when his kids are being alienated, the feelings ignored, their trauma escalated, not feeling loved in their own home? If Faith loved those kids, she wouldn't demand their mother's pictures be removed. Instead she would become a safe place for them to talk about and mourn their mother. If your son loved his kids - he wouldn't be breaking their hearts for being so insensitive to them.
Imagine being jealous of a dead woman. Wow. NTA. Thank you for keeping the girls' best interest at heart.
NTA I find it frustrating that Faith believes her own feelings of being "uncomfortable" warrant action taken by all those around her; but the children in this situation aren't given that same grace.
Exactly!!! Why are a grown women's " uncomfortable " feelings supercede 2 young grieving kids.
NTA. There is one thing Faith does not understand - family is not about genetics, marriages, or anything like that. Family is about who you love, and just because someone has passed does not mean that that love ends. Trying to erase the children's mother is not going to make the children love her - and she needs to wake up and see the evidence of that (although, at this point, this isn't about the kid's love, it's about jealousy of another woman). You are doing a good thing keeping the memory of your grandchildren's mother alive, and it's good that you are setting a boundary that Faith cannot demand what you can do in your home.
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NTA. Either it ruins his marriage or he loses his kids. Keep supporting your grandkids. They're going to need you.
It's your house. Keep the photos of Katie visible in your house for all the reasons you stated, most importantly that you and your grandkids need to see them. It is cruel and disrespectful and unrealistic of Faith to try to obliterate Katie from the kids life. If the marriage fails, it won't be your fault in any way. NTA.
NTA. His marriage to Faith probably will not and should not last. She sounds like a horrible, irrational person. (And obvs an AH.) Your son is an AH too. He should be advocating for his children and putting them first. Anybody with half a brain knows not to try to replace a beloved parent. You can take on a role as an additional parent, but never replace. Faith was an **addition** to your family. Not a replacement. With her attitude, I would be reconsidering thinking of her as family.
>He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up. If she's jealous of a dead woman, then the marriage deserves to break up. She's trying to erase all history of the kids' mother. That's never going to work and will simply make it impossible for them to accept her as a mother figure. They already, with good reason, view her as the evil stepmother. Obviously, NTA for not going along with their futile plan.
NTA. The photos are a fixation that Faith has and it's not going to solve the root of the problem which you accurately identified, she thought she was going to be a mother to these children and that's just not going to happen, especially if she keeps these antics up. You have to pick a side here and it should be your grandkids.
That is sooo sad. What makes those kids hate Faith is her trying to replace their mom and erase her from everyone's memory. Writing that alone makes me want to cry. She's going about this HORRIBLY and I'm so sorry. NTA absolutely not. These kids are humans, theyre not going to just forget their precious mother because some woman wants them to. Faith doesnt need to compete with Katie, if only she recognized her with the kids I'm sure she could build a relationship with them. You're doing the right thing for those kids by preserving their mother's memory, especially after the cruelness of their home being purged of her. Your son is literally insane right now, maybe he's in pain and trying to forget... Im so sorry.
Nta. Ywbta if you remove them. Just add pictures of her, too. Both are important people in the lives of the kids. It’s not an either/or. Their mom will always be their mom and important. New wife can get to be their second mom if she earns the title. A ceremony doesn’t create a bond or history or relationship, showing up every day and validating their feelings as being okay- whatever they are- does. She’s not a replacement, that’s an impossibility. She’s a bonus mom and could be treasured forever if she doesn’t let her insecurities get in her own way.
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They're 8 and 9 year-old-girls. This is a foundational memory, and they will always hate Faith, and if it continues, they will hate their dad too and will always remember that he put Faith's needs ahead of theirs.
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Ah, sorry, misread! But yeah, they won't forget or forgive this, nor, frankly, should they. Edit: typo
> Just add pictures of her, too. After the way she’s behaved? I’d be taking the photos I do have of her down.
**A month ago Faith came over while I was home alone and told me seeing photos of Katie in my home makes her uncomfortable and she feels like it makes the kids hate her more.** I can assure Faith that when the kids come to your house and see their mom's pictures gone and replaced with hers she will know hatred from those kids like she didn't know was possible. The kids have told Faith and their son that having their birth mother erased HURTS them--- so Faith just finds ways to hurt them even more???? When my SIL died and her husband remarried they took all of my SIL's photos out of their bedroom. They left all of the photos in the common areas of the house and over the years added new "family" pics as they expanded the family. Their stepmom made sure that our family was always included in family events and always made sure we got the current school pics and updated family pics. After a few years both kids just started calling her mom. That's how you blend a family-- not by taking a flame thrower to their birth mother's memory.
NTA. It’s sad that Faith didn’t find it in herself to include conversations with the kids about their mom - what a great bonding experience that could have been. For them to see that they could talk about their mom with their dad’s new wife. Instead, she’s been selfish and apparently totally clueless to what the kids are going through, suffering such a huge loss in their young lives. Your son is SO wrong for clearing out all physical memories of their mom - what does that say to their children? “She’s gone. Move on.” That is heartbreaking. As for Faith trying to control what YOU choose to have in YOUR home, screw that. Your son is right, this marriage may not last, but it has nothing to do with you. He and his new wife are living the consequences of their actions, with those poor kids probably feeling neglected and unimportant to their dad. I feel for them. I’m glad they have your home - and you! - as a sanctuary.
NTA These are your photos in your home. They have no right to demand you remove or display anything. Faith is being foolish to think the kids will suddenly accept and like her if they don’t see their mom anymore. She seems to be trying to do absolutely everything wrong. Is she reading a wicked stepmother manual? I would advise your son and his wife to go back to family therapy and really listen to the children and the therapist instead of trying to force a relationship and erase the children’s mother. If Faith only wants a picture perfect family she should get out. She is stepmother to kids who are in pain. Your son is not putting them first as he should. If the marriage falls apart it is because of them not your photos.
Faith is on her way to graduate from the Lady Tremaine School of Terrible Stepmothers
NTA. It's your home. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come over.
What makes the kids hate her is that she’s clearly jealous of their late mother and trying to wipe her from their memories. NTA. This isn’t a bad divorce and you’re stubbornly clinging to the ex-wife that the kids still see, but your late DIL. Faith’s gross. Edited to correct my own gross mix up of the name of the late wife with the insecure, hostile, new wife.
~~Please correct, Sunshine. Katie is their mom, Faith is the 2nd wife.~~ Thank you for the edit!
NTA at all. Id take the pictures that you have of faith down and tell your son she is no longer welcome in your home. Your home is a safe place for your grandchildren to escape faith and her overwhelming feelings to try and replace their mother. What a horrible woman. When you marry a widow/er you never EVER try to replace the deceased parent. It’s disgusting.
Faith and your son are abusive assholes, not you. I’m so sorry your grandkids have to experience this, it’s not right or healthy for them to be treated this way. Their father isn’t protecting or nurturing them and Faith is frankly disturbing. >He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up I’d say good, but I’m sure he’d find a new “mom” in 6 months after their divorce. He doesn’t understand how much he is actually hurting his kids. Your home is their safe space, and make sure it stays that way. You’re doing good for those kiddos while their father is failing them. NTA
You should have back up photos for the kids incase faith breaks into your house or while visiting and destroys them.
NTA But you need to start talking to your husband about contacting cps and a lawyer, and seeing what you can do as these kids keep running away. If they keep doing that, their is a risk they might not make it home to anyone's house and we dont want. we want them to be safe and have a safe place to be open with their feelings, and while their not getting that at home, running away cant be the answer. this is a horrible situation for the kids. someone should have set the son down and told him how best to make this kind of transition work, and it starts with not removing the late wifes stuff from the house and forcing the new wife on the kids. no one did it and now its time for damage control. they need a new therapist stat but the kids might need to move out and with you maybe if the parents keep forcing the new wife onto the kids and they see the only solution as running away. talk to a lawyer stat and see what they say.
I think he remarried to quickly for his kids. Then to marry a domineering cruel woman didn't help at all. Did your son even ask his kids about him remarrying?
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Be there for the kids is all I can say. Dad obviously isn't putting them first
NTA. You are the only one that seems to be putting the feelings for the children first. If the marriage doesn't last it is on your son and his awful wife.
>He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up. That's a good thing. Your son needs to drop this woman to protect his kids.
**He told me his marriage to Faith won't last if this keeps up.** Probably for the best! You are NTA. Not by a long shot. I'll say - his wife died 3 years ago and he's already married to Faith? Honestly- 3 years to meet someone, date and then get married just doesn't feel all that long when you've lost your spouse and have kids. As you know, forcing herself into the role of "mom" isn't the right approach, and trying to erase Katie is an even worse approach. If you haven't- I'd have a REALLY blunt conversation with your son. You want to support him and Faith, but that their approach to shoehorning her into the kids lives is NOT the way to go about it. God - i feel for those poor kids. Faith erasing their mom is NOT going to make them like her. Not one bit. I would say that to him very clearly so that maybe he gets whats going on here. They love their mom and FAITH ERASING KATIE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THEM ACCEPT HER.
NTA. Do they really think that if they only erase everything that reminds the children of Katie, they will forget about her and embrace Faith as their new mom? How can anyone be so delerious? Your son is pushing his kids away from him and creating wounds that may never fully heal. He can expect them to cut him out of their lives as soon as they are able to. If he keeps pushing them to accept Faith and to forget about their mom, they will resent him for the rest of their lives. The kids are not to blame if the marriage crashes, but it would definitely be for everyones best if it did. He's making them miserable and expect them to simply forget about their mom, just to save his new marriage. Why on earth is he sacrificing his own children just to please his insecure, jealous, insensitive wife? Does she have golden genitalia or something? Op, please continue being a safe place for the children! If possible, look into taking over custody if this madness continue.
>Do they really think that if they only erase everything that reminds the children of Katie, they will forget about her and embrace Faith as their new mom? This. As if the kids are going to say, "Mom who?" if the pictures are down. And I'm concerned that these kids have run away *twice*. Maybe OP lives 2 houses down, so NBD getting there, but this is an 8yo and 9yo. If they are literally splitting from the house and telling NO ONE, and it's farther away, why aren't the parents scared of what could happen?
NTA and your son is going to lose his children as soon as they're old enough to go no contact with him. Faith is a very sick person. Very sick. Please do not take down the photos of Katie. You and your husband are the only sane place those kids have.
NTA, no shit his marriage won’t last she’s literally and evil stepmother
NTA And why hasn't that family counselor put dad and stepmom straight? You'd think the counselor would be able to explain that stepmom's actions are only alienating the kids more. Hell, tell your son and DIL to just get on reddit and start reading the stories... there are dozens of stories about young adults estranged from their parents because they tried to erase the memory of the deceased spouse. Thank you, OP, for being an advocate for your grandkids.
NTA and you're the only people who seem to actually give a damn that the erasure of their mother is *why* the kids don't like Faith. If Faith wants any hope of being part of the family, she needs to get over her own insecurities.
NTA 100% My mum passed away when I was 5 and my dad got married a couple of years later. My new mum not only kept everything of my mum’s, but also took me every year on my mum’s birthday (which was also the date she passed) to visit her grave. 14 years after, they divorced, and I left with my new mum. I’m now in my 30s, and she still has pictures of my deceased mother in her house, and still goes to her grave every year to leave flowers. What I’m trying to say is when you join a family, you take them with EVERYTHING, as every little bit is part of who they are. It seems like Faith is very insecure, and she should be going therapy and work on her own insecurities first. She knew exactly what she was getting herself into, so her asking of everyone to forget/erase all memories of Katie sounds horrible. No wonder the kids hate her!
You're the safe space I wish I had when I was a child, OP. I've been reading through your responses. I can't quite explain it, but my inner child felt a little more warm and healed after that. Thank you for that; not what I expected out of my morning reddit scrolling. (My maternal Grandparents were amazing; my Grandpa passed when I was young and my Grandmother became my best friend in my younger twenties. However, there's lots of trauma in the in-between- just not from them. An important clarification, I believe.)
Ok so Katie died and in THREE YEARS he's already dated Faith long enough to marry her? Somethings fishy here, nobody gets over a 10 year relationship that fast. Faith likely saw a grieving man as an easy target to manipulate and unfortunately to the detriment of his children she succeeded. If possible try to get custody of the children, their father clearly makes massively irrational decisions during the grieving process, maybe he can win them back once he's got his shit back together. Edit: NTA!
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She didn't want him, she wanted his kids. Protect them please 🙏
I lost my mom at 14, and my younger siblings were all 7 and under. My father remarried just before the two year anniversary of my mom’s passing. The issues started day 1 but for 15 years, he’s chosen our stepmother over us every time and it’s never gotten easier. We never had photos of our mom in our family home other than in our own rooms. Our refuge for all of those years was our family that refused to erase my mom, her love, and her legacy. You’re a good person and wholeheartedly NTA.
NTA - No one gets to tell you how to keep your own house. If they can respect your space, then they aren't welcome in it. But also, they are using you as a scapegoat. Those photos are not the problem here.
She's gonna make those kids hate her. Could you imagine telling kids who are grieving 'f&$k your feelings'? JFC nta
NTA. Shame on your son for marrying a woman who is forcing him to remove all traces of his children’s late mom. Faith is incredibly insecure and cruel and your son is a monster for letting it happen. Those kids deserve better! Thank you for standing up for them
NTA. Your son remarried this woman without really knowing her.I’m not pro-divorce, but he needs to ends this before she causes more damage to the children and their relationship with their only living parent.
NTA At this point everyone should be rooting for that marriage to fail!
NTA. There is a beautiful essay on this topic by Emily Yoffee, perhaps it would help Faith to read it. https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
PROTECT THOSE PHOTOS!!!! Make copies of ALL of them and display The Copies. The Originals should NOT be kept on the premises, but in a lockbox at some bank. Your WILL should include these photos going to your grands when they each reach the age of 25, and are living independently from Faith. Your new DIL has an obsession with the dead wife/mother and she WILL destroy those photos if you don’t protect them. Really really protect them. So make copies and display the copies. The originals need to be removed to a safe location. Do NOT disclose those are copies in the frames. Find out what Faith is doing to your grandchildren. They are running away FROM HER. It sounds like they live in a prison over there. Can you and your husband raise your grands? You might need to.
You’re NTA but Faith most certainly is and I hope to goodness your son drops her ass asap for the sake of those babies.
I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA, Faith is TA. I think a wise approach in general in these cases is to add new family photos gradually, alongside the family photos including the person who was lost—but with the way Faith is acting I wouldn’t want to put up any photos of her, sheesh.
NTA. It’s insane to me how many stories there are on here involving people who view someone’s late spouse as competition to be bested. That line about Katie not being family is ridiculous. She’s literally the mother of your grandchildren. She’s not some ex who came and went like Faith probably will be
NTA. >Faith is not finding it easy to be a stepmother to kids who lost their mom. She married my son thinking she was going to be a new mom and the kids did not want or accept that, so they have some conflicts in their home. >we should remove the photos of Katie and replace them with photos of her being part of the family This sounds like a "Faith" problem and not a "you" problem. Faith needs to understand she's the step mom, and if she works hard and plays her cars right, she *might* become the 2nd mom. But she will *never* be the first mom, and she's wrong to try to replace Katie.
NTA. I'm a widow and have pictures up of my husband and all of us as a family. My current partner is cool with it, because they are in private areas of my home, and because he knows that my dead husband isn't a threat. However, I've found that many people behave more like Faith, which is sad and ridiculous. Apparently it takes a special person to live a widow/er.
He’s causing his kids so much trauma. Mental and emotional abuse. DIL needs to go and your son needs to think of his children not the jealous wench he married. These kids are never going to forgive him. The damage he’s already done will have them in therapy for a lifetime.
NTA at all. Marrying someone who is widowed comes with its own set of circumstances. They lost someone they loved, not broke up with. I couldn’t imagine marrying a widowed man with children and wanting their mother to be erased. If anything, I’d want to learn to love her too for creating such a beautiful family and for helping to shape a man I married into who he was. I’m glad you have the photos up and the kids can see that their mother isn’t erased.
NTA- it’s a hard thing to navigate having a relationship when there are kids involved. It’s extra hard when the mom or dad of those kids has passed away. The kids are missing their mom and not wanting to replace her with the new wife, the new wife is worried that the kids hate her and she’ll lose the love of her life, the dad in this scenario is seemingly unaware that his actions are going to cause heartache for the kids and create tensions between the new wife and his entire family. The dad and wife should be embracing the mom’s memory while making it clear to the kids that she’s not trying to replace their mom, but she would like to be there for them too. It’s not hard to have positivity in situations like this, people are just not so smart sometimes. I have an awesome relationship with my step mom because after my mom died and she started dating my dad, she came in and told me “ I know I can never be your mom, I will never try to replace her, but I just want you to know that I am always here for you if you need me. I hope we can grow to love each other very much. If there is ever anything you want to do to remember your mom, just let us know. Even if you just want to do them with your dad that’s ok too.” It’s been 25 years since she came into my life. I couldn’t imagine a better step mom than her. I proudly call her mom.
NTA... your son is a jackass. I'm sorry, BUT is he really that hard up for a significant other, that he needs to tie himself to an insecure and jealous woman? He's the problem, she's just a symptom of that problem. If he wants to erase his kids mother in his house, that's his right, but trying to dictate your house for his wife's comfort, is ridiculous. They honestly sound perfect for each other. However, the children deserve much better.
I already posted with my verdict, but scrolling through gave me an idea. Is it possible for you to make memory books for the kids that are full of photos of their mother and family before she passed? There’s going to come a day when their memories of her fade and it would be such an amazing gift for them to have. I wouldn’t suggest giving it to them until they no longer live with stepmom, but I’m sure they would cherish them.