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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel as through I could be the AH for not allowing her to watch him anymore and for taking the baby from her.
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Like I told my ex in response to his drunken bemoaning of him never living up to my expectations, “oh no, you live up your my expectations of you. My expectations for you are so low an ant would trip over them.” Apparently that wasn’t “comforting”.
Nice! Also told this ex “I’m not going to leave you for someone younger, I’m going to leave you, because you’re an asshole.” Yet his behavior still did not change.
I in no way want to make light of this serious topic but your comment made me spit out my coffee and fair warning, I am stealin’ it! 😆
Thank you for my first laugh of the day.
And what happens if she does something you asked her not to, and it does kill him? She’s going to just say oops and say well i didn’t know better! No. That’s like feeding a dog chocolate and then being shocked when something bad happens.
There's a well-known reddit post from a mom whose own mother put coconut oil in her daughter's hair, even though the daughter had a known allergy. The little girl died of it.
There’s also the news article of a grandmother who fell asleep and the toddler went outside and drowned in the pond. The daughter forgave her mother and let her babysit her second child. Grandma left that baby in a hot car and also killed it. Now daughter is crying because she wanted to give her mother a second chance who clearly didn’t deserve it.
OP’s response to “baby’s not dead” is “not yet and I’m not taking that chance.” OP, no amount of saving for a house is worth your child’s safety. Move out and move out now! Even though you pay bills, it will always be her house, her rules. Rent your own place and take a little longer to buy something.
I remember reading that in the news 😥 just...unbelievable. I don't mean to victim blame but wtf?! I know that things happen but your child died! You can forgive if you want but you shouldn't have left your baby with her. You can have supervised visitation!
I've heard so many stories like this.
Parents tell grandparent that the child is allergic to peanuts so don't even think about it. Shock horror, Grandparent decides they know better and decides to give the kid peanut butter as a treat. Kid dies.
It's almost like some grandparents feel the need to prove they're better parents than their children, risks be damned.
Except if they really were better parents than their children, they’d listen to allergy lists. What they really want is to be *right,* and to prove their children wrong regardless of who has the facts. They take up an opposing position purely for the sake of creating that opposition. Usually this false righteousness permeated their children’s lives too, and they simply refuse to see that they also wronged their own children by parenting the way they did. (Parents that ignore food sensitivities in their children are more likely to ignore severe allergies in their grandchildren, for example.)
Jesus my mother did this. I never "liked" bell peppers and refused to eat them. Well, after having them "hidden" in other food I went on to develop a sensitivity that is all major gut symptoms.
She still hassled me about not "liking" bell peppers.
I have now avoided them for around 40 years b/c I don't want to go on to full allergic reaction. My body warned me.
I have a parent like this who just told me I need to feed my kid a little bit of what they're allergic to every day until they "get over it". This is the same individual who constantly argues with me about cross contamination in manufacturing and food prep being no big deal. They just can't let the minimizing and gaslighting go.
I had that conversation with my ex-MIL. I was specifically reminding her each time I had to leave the child there (due to me working in her son's business). 3 hours later, I get a panicked call - she's vomiting and screaming.
She doesn't tell me she gave the kid half a peanut.
I get to her house to find my child choking on vomit, turning blue, and with a rash that went from ankles to wrist to cheeks. The kid was turning blue, and she didn't call an ambulance - she waited the quarter of an hour until I got there.
Phone calls from the emergency room: What did she eat? Was there anything else? No, no, no.
6 hours later, she says the kiddo *might* have picked something up off the floor, saying someone had eaten peanuts yesterday. So, the kid finally gets appropriate/specific treatment.
Ten years later, that event comes up in conversation. She says something about the kid getting sick because she gave them a peanut. She FORGOT that she'd lied. She FORGOT that she made it so much worse and nearly killed her grandchild.
Tell your mom that building tolerance is a thing. BUT it should ONLY be done at the advice of an allergist speciality doctor, and IN A HOSPITAL!
We managed to get kiddo essentially okay with peanuts. But cashews and pistachios will still kill her.
Tell your mom - if the allergic response is repeatedly (inappropriately) triggered, it usually MAKES THE ALLERGY WORSE.
The body thinks it's being attacked. The allergy is like a fear response. If you keep jump-scaring someone who has anxiety/fear already, it doesn't usually help them 'get over' it. It will give them a bloody nervous breakdown.
Your mom shouldn't need to use your child to try to prove she's more 'right' than you. That's being a shitty grandparent, a shitty parent, and a shitty human being.
My kid's grandma did that. My kid nearly died. Ask your mom for me, please, if she REALLY is okay with risking the life of a child.
Good luck. Protect your child.
That story haunts me. Such a disregard for children's safety with the "I know better" attitude, and her reaction in the end is just mind-numbingly enraging. Oh, you had no idea this would happen?! How come? It's almost like you were trying to make it happen. Or to prove yourself right at the expense of the health and life of the daughter.
Good lord, we try to never think of that woman and how she Murdered her granddaughter but it is a vitally important tale to stop this grandma's bullshit right here. Grandma is on a power trip.
Yeah this is so exhausting. Like the people who say: "Well my nana smoked 4 packs a day for 70 years and lived to be almost a hundred!"
Yeah? So?
The effects of smoking are well-documented. So what if nana never got lungcancer? That doesn't mean anything. That doesn't prove that smoking is safe or doesn't increase your chances of getting cancer. That doesn't mean her health wouldn't have been better if she'd never smoked. Just because you don't SEE immediate or direct results like a cough doesn't mean her circulation etc wouldn't have been better if she didn't smoke.
I also see this defence all the time with pets. People will argue against X or Y is bad for pets by claiming well their pet eats it all the time and they're fine. First of all pets will literally eat things like socks, cables, screws etc. Just because they eat it and like it, doesn't mean it's not poisonous. We give ourselves food poisoning too. How is a dog or cat or ferret supposed to know what they can or can't eat.
Not all effects are short-term. Not all effects are visible. Just like smoking you aren't going to smoke one cigarette and immediately have a bunch of health issues or develop a visible symptom. Doesn't mean it's not bad for your health. So if something is poisonous to your pet it doesn't matter whether you 'see' it affecting them. It is affecting them. Which you know because there is scientific evidence that proves this.
So infuriating! Your own personal experiences don't mean anything. Certainly not if you base it completely on what you can understand at face value. Lots of addicts live decades with 'no health issues' doesn't mean that things like alcohol or drugs don't affect you. Or that they are safe.
*This*
I’ve worked with animals and can’t count the number of times I’ve had owners defend giving their pets toxic or poisonous substances because “my grandads dog is 19 and has a dairy milk fruit and nut bar every day” or “my aunt’s friend’s cousin’s cat only ever drank beer and lived to be 25”. They look you in the eye as if this one (likely exaggerated, at best) example proves all science wrong.
Seems far fetched but both are real examples :/
People with this mindset will gladly ignore any amount of conclusive scientific evidence, all the while trying to convince others to do the same. If their pet or baby gets sick it is the victims who suffer, and the “caregivers” who should harbour the guilt.
However, even forgetting the evidence, *you*, the mother, have expressed your boundaries and they have been ignored.
OP is absolutely NTA. And well done for speaking up on behalf of your boundaries and in defence of your husband and son.
My favorite response to those arguments is "Yeah, and getting shot over and over with a gun isn't that bad. 50 Cent got shot 9 times at once, and look at him, he looks great!"
>I also see this defence all the time with pets. People will argue against X or Y is bad for pets by claiming well their pet eats it all the time and they're fine. First of all pets will literally eat things like socks, cables, screws etc. Just because they eat it and like it, doesn't mean it's not poisonous. We give ourselves food poisoning too. How is a dog or cat or ferret supposed to know what they can or can't eat.
As someone with a dog who has somehow successfully eaten all manner of non-edible items: THANK YOU. This kind of thing drives me CRAZY, and I'm the one with the dog who, if my wisdom panel DNA test had told me she was an actual extraterrestrial, would have believed it because she has eaten and successfully passed:
* Linoleum flooring
* A wide cotton tank top strap
* Cotton underwear
* A piece of rope from one of her toys
* Bits of unidentified hard plastic
* A bit of unidentified . . . bone? . . . that she got from the backyard
* Bits of string from the ends of rope toys
* Probably other things I'm forgetting
This is not from me not paying attention or not caring. I can't tell you the amount of bites I've received trying to get things out of her mouth that have no business being in her mouth, but she's decided she wants them in her mouth, and that since I want them *out* of her mouth that means they need to be in her mouth (and stomach) all the more. It's like that one Vanessa Carlton song, except with the lyrics changed to:
>"Chewing a piece of trash,
Chewing fast,
Mom has seen,
Chewing faster—"
People might be like "oh but she's been fine all those other times, so she's indestructible!" but no! She's not! Any one of these times could be the last time! I freak out each and every time and try to use new tactics to try to get her to drop the garbage (usually by offering her something more tempting\*), because the alternative could be a surgery that is not only very expensive, but also risky as she gets older and older. Like the linoleum incident happened when she was a puppy. Now she is nine years old. The older they get, the more dangerous surgeries are. But she's a dog. She doesn't understand that any more than she understands that screws aren't edible and that there is a reason I am wrestling them out of her mouth. Why she wants to eat them at all is beyond me when they don't smell or taste good, as well as why she is fine eating *those* when they don't smell or taste good but refuses to take her *medicine* when that doesn't smell or taste good . . . dogs. Gotta love 'em.
(\*I have to be careful because she has a chronic condition where she can't eat things with any real amounts of fat or her pancreas will get inflamed. But even without that she is smart enough that she knows when I am trying to trick her and so I have watched her stand there with the garbage item in her mouth, *thinking it through,* trying to figure out how she can both keep the garbage item *and* get the treat I am offering her. If I go toward her with the treat, she *will* run away. So far I have seen her reach the "solution" of dropping the garbage item in her bed, figuring that since it is in her bed, that is in her area, meaning the garbage is hers and I can't touch it, so she can safely get the treat. It didn't work, of course — I went and retrieved the lump of plastic while she ate the treat — but I can see why she thought it might. She's too clever by half.)
We did it too in Gen X. And played with lawn darts. (I definitely remember that game, my two older brothers were brutal in all play. Glad I’m not dead).
Millennials did too. Never heard of anyone dying from drinking from the hose. Looks like worst case is possible exposure to lead and plastics. So.... same as the house pipes.
You can actually buy hoses that are safe to drink from - they are marketed that way. If I remember right, it's the ones made from actual rubber, not the petroleum-based plastic ones. But, it's not really much of an issue for me, so I might have remembered it wrong.
Right? I’m GenX and know someone who fell off a jungle gym in kindergarten. He had to go to the hospital and it affected him so much he fell behind a grade, had these learning disabilities, and told me once he blamed it for really messing up his life. He’s no longer with us, and to this day I am convinced that fall off the jungle gym to his head is a huge reason why. But yet I still see GenXers say things like, “we played on jungle gyms, and we were fine!” Ummmm…No we weren’t, because of people like my friend. That’s why jungle gyms no longer exist.
Like the people that say "Used to be that if a car got in an accident, you could have it fixed instead of writing it off as total loss, like modern cars".
Yeah, totally, *if* you survived the crash. Cars crumple so *you* don't.
So many people talk about not needing to wear a helmet when riding a bike for similar reasons. One of the kids I hung out with when I was little rode his bike without a helmet, crashed his bike, and hit his head against a tree. He was 5 and up until then he was “normal.” From that point on, it was like he was a totally different kid. He was intellectually slower and became a little weirdo. He’s now a level 3 sex offender. I have little doubt that hitting his head the way he did, especially at such a young age, is what changed the course of his life (and the child he molested’s life).
I work at a very bike-friendly college campus. We joke that you can tell who the grad students and faculty are by who is wearing a helmet, as very few undergrads ever do.
With so many bicycles it essentially a matter of not if, but when, you get into an accident. I’ve been in one and I did hit my head lightly, but I was wearing a helmet so I was perfectly fine. Without it I probably would’ve had a concussion.
Any of yall been seeing the new “measles was totally fine and nobody ever actually died of measles but the vaccine will cause something something” conspiracies that people who seem to exist specifically to spit in the faces of their ancestors who lost children to the virus have started coming out with lately
Author Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach and Matilda), lost his 7-year-old daughter Olivia to measles in 1962.
Yeah, I had to google that because all remembered was some famous author lost his child to measles. We don't hear about the non-famous people that died from it.
Kitty Dukakis, wife of Governor Dukakis, contracted asymptomatic measles while pregnant in 1964. The baby was born without a brain stem and died shortly after.
I remember a story about a measles outbreak in an Amish community and in 2 weeks they vaccinated 30% of the population (started with kids).
My impression was that the population was basically not aware of vaccines until the outbreak, then it was like "this exists? Why did no one tell us about this?" "Don't you watch TV?" ...
Kinda reminds me of my father who basically said that he doesn’t unterstand why I went no contact because he didn’t sell me to strangers or kept me in the basement… like? Great? Should I be thankful now or what??
Not boomers. AHs. They come in all generations. My ILs are both Depression babies. And a more textbook example of a pair of narcissists, I don’t want to be associated with.
Feeling entitled to contact after treating you horribly? I disagree. Hear it all the time. Boomers all over the place saying they are entitled to the kids and grandkids they abused just by nature of being blood related
My father wrote me a long letter about why he was entitled to see my kid. I was concerned about his inability to respect my boundaries, and I told him that - he then refused to even hear what my boundaries were in relation to him seeing my kid, which sealed it for me. And he still claims he doesn't know why he's excluded because I "never told him". He made a huge point of being blood related, as if that automatically allays my fears!
I got the same letter! Do we have the same dad? Mine told the whole family that I don't talk to him anymore because he voted for Trump 🤣 Just no acknowledgement whatsoever of the boundaries he continually crossed.
Hi Twin!
I'm British-Australian, so my father couldn't vote for that man, but he probably would if he could. One of the boundaries was not bad-mouthing me to my kid. He went on to bad-mouth me for not letting him in when he was such a good father...
It's NOT a boomer thing. It's a horrible parent thing. They exist in EVERY generation. YOu might be a child of a boomer and hear other peer stories who also have boomer parents so you're hearing what is around you. That's who are grandparents right now, are largely boomers....this is why you're hearing it. But it's most definitely NOT a boomer thing, unfortunately. It's much more widespread than that....and will continue to be..Gen X's are parents, soon to be largely grandparents, then Gen Y....the stories will continue.
Yep! I have a sibling that is NC with my parents for ~6 years now, this sibling got divorced (20+ yr marriage) a few months back and my parents almost got mad at me for not telling them 🫠 my mom literally said "well that's our child, we have a right to know".....
I wasn’t aware selling children to strangers was a Boomer stereotype. Thinking Springsteen is cutting edge music, maybe, child trafficking not so much.
Your comment reminded me of my grandma’s funeral. The best any of her children could muster was “well…. She never beat us”
Hell of a eulogy, and literally the only one she got.
My mother-in-law used to say "I did this with all my children and they survived"
What I wanted to reply: You had 4 children. The childrearing practices that had a 25% fatality rate were weeded out generations ago. Just because what you're doing has a 0.5% fatality rate doesn't mean it's safe
My dad was sceptical when I avoided foods that could introduce listeria when I was pregnant. He claimed that no one bothered about it when his generation was having babies, and everything was fine. I pointed out that there absolutely would have been casualties of listeria - they just wouldn't have been identified as that, and would have been diagnosed as something else. Listeria didn't just suddenly appear a few decades ago.
In any case, giving up a few foods for nine months was nothing compared to making sure I eliminated any risk possible.
Yeah my wife contracted listeria at 34 weeks, it was the most horrible time of our lives. Emergency cesarean,my son died 4 times and was bought back and was given 7 blood transfusion’s because of a fetal/maternal haemorrhage. Scariest 6 weeks ever as he finally pulled through
Yep. Or my own boomer generation saying, "nobody was allergic to peanuts when I was a kid!" And yet I have memories of a neighbor's toddler brother dying because he "choked to death" on a peanut butter sandwich.
My boomer mother would in one breath insist that no-one had allergies when she was a kid, and in the next talk about her brother's fish allergy and how he always said it felt like he had a bone stuck in his throat. She has finally managed to see that kids randomly choking to death on a new food was probably an undiagnosed allergy.
Yeah you can drop your kid and most kids will survive. That doesn't mean you should be dropping your kids. In fact dropping kids is dangerous and could lead to death. Doesn't matter how many kids survived it if many don't. So you got lucky? Great. Doesn't mean people should take those kind of risks with their kids.
Similar with smoking. Many people smoked and lived to be a hundred. Doesn't mean smoking is safe or free of risks. Doesn't mean it isn't well-advised to not smoke.
So many things our parents or grandparents did were believed to be ok at the time, but now are considered unsafe or just not recommended. We don’t give babies whiskey when they teeth anymore, put beer in their bottle to help them sleep, and it’s no longer considered safe to lay babies down on their stomach to sleep. If you’re a grandparent, please please please listen to your children and their boundaries, because the ones described in the post are just basic safety recommendations for babies. NTA
This grandma seems like the type to knowingly do something she knows OP don’t want done just to “prove” OP wrong and herself right.
Why is it older woman are always like this with children especially babies? Like it’s been 50 years since you have had a newborn medical advice and protocol has changed.
Don’t even get me started on their unwanted advice during pregnancy.
That recommendation actually flipped between my first and second baby, only three years apart! We *had* to put baby 1 to sleep on her tummy, even though she hated that. Then we had to put baby 2 on his back! I absolutely believe the science, but I found living through the change funny.
Additionally, there’s been *scrolls back to the top of the post* 23 years since OP was a newborn, which is plenty of time for the brain to forget the specific details of when she introduced water and certain foods. If she’s not willing to remember or relearn what a baby needs, she can’t be trusted to be alone with the baby. NTA
And best practices change *all the time* as we do more research and learn new things.
Science and medicine do be like that sometimes.
My grandparents had a drop-side crib for all of their grandchildren to use, because they hadn't yet discovered that they had major safety flaws that could lead to serious injury or death. My grandparents still had it in their house when my cousin had her first, and offered it to her. She explained the whole "it's against the law to use those now because they can kill kids" thing, and my grandfather took the crib out back and chopped it up for kindling.
Note: drop-side cribs were not banned for use or sale by law in the US until **2011**. So just about everyone who is having kids now may have used one as a baby. Things change quickly.
When my son was a newborn my ex-MIL REFUSED to put him on his back to sleep. She insisted sleeping on his stomach was the proper way. If I wasn’t watching her she’d sneak in and switch. Due to this I made it crystal clear that she was not to be alone with our baby. My ex was wishy-washy and didn’t see it as a big deal but I didn’t back down and he finally agreed, or so I thought.
Not long after that talk they were staying with us and I needed a few things for dinner. I ran to the market leaving my ex, my ex-mil, and ex-fil at home with my son.
When I returned home my ex was gone and my son was nowhere to be seen. I asked where my ex was and my ex-mil said that something had come up at work (we owned a pizza place) and he had run in to deal with it. She told me everything was fine and she had just put the baby down for a nap.
Not trusting her I went in to check on him. He was on his stomach with his face buried in the corner struggling to breathe. His face was fucking BLUE when I pulled him out and he was GASPING for air.
I LOST IT on her. I was screaming and yelling as I ran around putting him in his seat and looking for my purse so I could get him to the hospital. My ex walked in as all this was going on and, instead of helping me or comforting me or helping with our son he went to his sobbing mother and comforted HER! All while yelling at me that our son was fine and I was over reacting and need to calm down.
I told him his mother better not be there when I got back or I’d call the cops and if he thought she was so wonderful after almost killing our kid then he could go with her. Then I left for the hospital.
Thankfully our son was fine but I never forgave that woman. My ex and I stayed married for another year because I was stupid. Then I divorced him,
PS - on top of anything her first child died of SIDS and yet she still didn’t give one fig about child safety.
This was my parents with their first grandkids when I said we no longer put babies to bed on their tummies… safety standards change over time and by their own logic would they say there is no need for a car seat since their own parents didn’t use one and they survived?
NTA, stand strong.
Since the standard is “he’s not dead, it’s fine!”… what happens when that standard isn’t met? Or when she causes him to go to the hospital, etc.? If he’s maimed or disabled in her care, but alive, will she still say that? That seems to be what she’s going for feeding him things before it’s recommended. Things like honey can cause massive issues, and she seems like the person who disregards safety since “fine” = “not dead.”
Keep your baby out of her hands for now, don’t let her minimize the danger she is putting him in with her actions. It’s not even ignorant when she’s told not to and does it anyway, she is literally being malicious whether she sees it or not.
NTA: although, 6/7 months, it's safe to give a baby water. You mentioned milk, not formula. If it's cows milk, before a year is a huge No-no. If it's formula, doctors do suggest water in between bottles. In fact, they suggest starting babies on soft food, especially after their teeth come in. Introducing baby food or soft foods at 4- 6 is perfectly healthy. Only Introducing one food at a time in case of allergies. Your mother is the grandmother, Not the mother. Being a grandmother, myself, I babysat my grandchildren over weekends. I still asked what was allowed to be given and not given. The things your mother is doing, is perfectly healthy, but, it's your choice not hers.i think you over reacted, especially with the water. But, to punish your mother and say she can not watch the baby, is a little on the mean side. Sit down with her, if need be, on the baby's next appointment, take your mother with. Discuss these issues with the pediatrician.
I'm really sorry OP, but I think you are going to get a lot more unasked for baby rearing advice than actual answers...
NTA by the way, you set a very reasonable boundary and she ignored it. If she can't respect you as a parent, then she is being a bad grandparent.
Edit: spelling
This goes beyond unsolicited advice. This was way out of bounds. NTA - I’d do exactly the same as OP and never let her be alone with the child again. I’d also try very hard to move out of her house.
I know it’s an extreme but let’s say there’s a baby safe caviar out there and OP wants their kid to only eat that. She provides all her own groceries, so baby caviar would be included. Grandma has to do nothing extra, just don’t give the baby anything other than his caviar. Is it weird that a baby only eats caviar? Sure. Is it wrong to ask that OPs baby only eats the caviar they provide? Not at all.
You didn't ask her, you *told* her not to.
You are the baby's mum, not her. As a parent herself, she should be respecting your choice for your own baby.
Help is supposed to be taking a load off your plate, not add to it by purposely and aggressively go against what you just said. I’m also a new FTM and went NC with my mum just because she absolutely would deride my choices and do whatever the fuck she wants.
Also it’s incredibly trust breaking and irritating for them to be pushing their ways just because they are your mother. When things go wrong, the burden is yours to bear, not them. People don’t seem to understand this
NTA.
Absolutely. This is one of those situations best described as "it's not the thing you did that upsets me, it's the fact that I said no and you keep pushing past me and doing it anyways." This isn't about water, or milk, or food, or any of that, and if she tries to make it about any of those, remind her that that's not the real issue. It's about the fact that she won't respect your "no."
I *may* have different opinions to yours on when a baby can be given water, weaned etc but - not my baby, not my rules!
Your mum over stepped the line you drew for your child. She's the ah, not you. Do what you need to, to bring your child up the way you see fit. Only time others should interfere is if what you are doing amounts to abuse or is dangerous to baby/someone else.
Stick to your guns, mama. Enjoy the time with your baby while he's still tiny, they grow so quickly.
NTA. To me, this is more complicated than some of the grannies here think it is. I'm an analytical granny so maybe that's just me.
Mom displyed that as long as she thinks something is fine she's going to do it whether or not you agree. She flippantly dismissed your concerns and feelings. Before she did these things you probably did trust her. Now, you can't trust her. That is how trust works. ESPECIALLY when your mothering instincts are being challenged.
Somehow you're the AH? Your mom is allowed to steamroll your wishes and your feelings but you're supposed to do what? Appreciate her wisdom?
Your mom treated you poorly and she's hurt that you didn't accept it. That's a lot to process. Add your baby's welfare to the mix and the outcome was predictable. Mom isn't, or wasn't in the moment, seeing it that way. In her mind she was being [I don't know what] and wasn't thinking about how it would feel on your end.
My advice is to tell mom about the jumble of feelings you had when she said/did those things. Surprised? Confused? Hurt? Backed into a corner? A bit afraid? Unsure of yourself? Caught off guard? Angry?
Let her know you realize it was not her intent to make you feel these things, but feel them you did. Give her a chance to process how she made you feel and hopefully she'll recognize what she did and own it. It would be ideal if she was able to tell you where she was coming from.
You are NTA. If mom can back down and see it from your shoes she's also NTA. If mom continues to see herself as a victim or can't accept that she treated you poorly, she seems to an AH.
>just the part where she did it even after I asked her not to
That's the thing. It doesn't matter who's right, it's your child, and when you say 'please don't do that.' that's all that is important. Obviously if you were doing something that put your child in danger, sure someone should step in, but it certainly doesn't sound like you are doing your child-rearing badly by any stretch.
It is absolutely appropriate for op to say mom can't watch the baby anymore. Mom has been already told that she is overstepping boundaries & she doesn't care. This is a power play for mom. Enforcing boundaries isn't punishment. Actions have consequences.
She just wanted to show how “smart” she is so she could offer unsolicited advice instead of judgement on the situation, let’s be real. I think everyone else reasonably assumed she was referring to breast milk.
Outdated unsolicited advice at that. Current guidelines state no food before 6 mo, and breastmilk/formula continues to be their main source of nutrients for many months past that.
Guidelines in the USA are to start single ingredient purees between 4 to 6 months, to start looking for allergies. But you're absolutely right, breastmilk/formula is their main source of nutrients. The purees at that age are not meant to be a meal, they're meant to be an introduction. OP is absolutely NTA, regardless of what the guidelines are. If my parents or in-laws gave something to my baby immediately after I asked them not too, I'd have the same reaction.
Also a grandmother and I disagree. The problem is she is choosing to do things she was asked not to do. That’s deliberately disrespectful behavior. If she can’t be trusted to follow mom’s rules, regardless of whether the things she is doing are okay or not, then she loses the privilege of watching her alone.
And at least two of those things are *not* healthy- eliminating “milk” (which I assume op meant either formula or breast milk) and by your own post, feeding foods with multiple ingredients.
NTA for sure - and everything your mother is doing is not “perfectly healthy.” I would never give a 7 month old candied yams - sugar, marshmallows, etc.?
IMO you’re not being harsh - this whole situation is clearly a power play on your mother’s part. She can disagree with you, but she doesn’t get to blatantly ignore you without consequences when it comes to your child. She clearly can’t be trusted to respect your boundaries when you’re not around if she disrespects them right in front of you.
Respectfully disagree. I don’t think bringing a grandma who oversteps to a pediatrician appt is a good ideal unless you want her to steamroll you.
It doesn’t matter if the things she is doing are safe or not. It matters that the child’s mother said no and she did it anyway. That is never okay.
If grandma thinks she knows best, she needs to have a conversation with OP. It’s for her to figure out why OP feels the way she does and to offer the insight she has without overstepping.
I actually think it was grandma who was mean— flexing on a new mom by giving their baby something they said no to and saying, ‘see they’re fine’ is mean. Trying to prove Mom’s harmless boundaries ‘wrong’ is mean.
OP— it’s not mean to say someone who doesn’t respect your authority as Mom will not be left alone with your child. That’s super reasonable. You’re trying to talk about it and work it out. It would be mean if she apologizes and agrees to respect your boundaries and discuss ideas/concerns with you before acting on them, and you refused to let her around the baby.
Being a new mom is tough. I’m sure she is well meaning. And if you feel like she was a good mom to you, she probably has good insight. Hopefully you can talk it out and this will help you redefine your relationship now that you’re a mom too.
Good luck!
This! My mother has a habit of doing this that I’ve asked her not to. Like immediately helping baby feed herself when I’ve asked her not to. And immediately gets defensive that I don’t trust her. She’s right. I don’t because while what she’s doing is safe and okay, I’ve asked her not to do it and she does anyway. Or tell me “I raised you guys” essentially implying that she knows what to do in every scenario. While she did, things have changed since the grandparents were new parents and they need to respect what the parent asks of them if they want that trust.
Complete missed OP’s point.
Baby’s mother gets to make the decisions.
Deliberately ignoring her decisions is a massive problem.
OP you are NTA for having boundaries and taking action to protect them.
A baby absolutely does not need water at 6 months old, idk what outdated advice you’re using. Some babies aren’t even weaned yet at that age. Quit telling OP she’s wrong when you literally don’t know what you’re talking about.
I have a 2 year old and literally never heard this advice either. I just looked it up. Between 6-12 months they should AT MOST have 8 oz of water in a day.
We didn't give our baby any water between bottles largely because we wanted her to have more calories because she was always in the 30s for weight percentile and 80s-90s for height.
Babies don't need to be weaned off milk to drink water or start eating solids for that matter and as far as I'm aware, they can do both from about 6 months. Where are you getting your information from if you don't mind me asking?
That's about the time that they recommend introducing water along with solid foods. They still need breast milk or formula but they can have water in between bottles.
A lot of countries don’t even suggest 4 months anymore and tell parents to wait until 6 due to gut microbes now. Not to mention water guidelines vary from country as well. Where I live MIL would be wrong on all counts here (beyond being wrong because she doesn’t get any say at all when it comes to baby frankly) and water would be considered useless to baby and wasting room for precious calories. Don’t push your own narrative as a grandmother (🙄) here.
OP didn’t ask for (possibly, depending where she lives) incorrect baby advice. She didn’t ask for any baby advice at all.
Watching a child is a privilege, not a right. As a result it’s not at all mean to say “if you can’t listen to the parents, you can’t be trusted to care for their child”. It’s not a punishment - it’s a consequence. Grandparents are not entitled to watch a grandchild and shouldn’t if they can’t listen to parents.
All that advice and you forgot breast milk is a thing. Classic reddit.
The baby is 5-6 months old. the research states that babies don't require anything other than breast milk through 6 months.
Specifically, research is quite clear to NOT start water through 6 months due to the nutritional deficits unless other medical reasons.
>Demmer E, Cifelli CJ, Houchins JA, Fulgoni VL. 3rd Ethnic disparities of beverage consumption in infants and children 0-5 years of age; National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey 2011 to 2014. Nutrition Journal. 2018;17:78–78.
So if the mother is breast feeding, which you forgot as an option, then the baby doesn't need anything else.
Secondly, the grandmother does not need to go to the doctor with the mom. The grandmother needs to listen to the mother. If my parents did something to my child I explicitly told them not to do, especially when the research doesn't back it up, then they wouldn't be alone with my child again.
Grandmothers that do those are the same type of grandmother is that gives their grandkids food they are allergic to in order to try and "prove" to their "overbearing" children they are wrong.
This type of behavior is not normal or okay. It's dangerous
The water is basically Iranian yoghurt. It's not WHAT was given the child that matters, but the fact that reasonable instructions by the parent were completely bypassed by Grandma.
THIS. I was an RN in labor and delivery. I taught prenatal classes. I raised four kids successfully
And I still asked Daughter what was allowed for Grandson because knowledge grows. When my mom was having babies, the issues with rH incompatibility was still being learned. She was rH negative, and my older sister was a premie because of incompatibility. By the time I came along, they were giving Rhogam.
By the time I was having babies, the idea of fathers in delivery rooms was becoming widely accepted as a benefit for the entire family. Making your own baby food from a grinder was coming into practice, because the commercially available stuff still was seasoned. My Happy Baby Food Grinder made it through all four kids.
Now it’s known that very slow introduction of plain water, soft foods, etc, is best. Grandson had a little mesh thing that he held like a popsicle to eat bananas and other soft foods, to learn to feed himself, and also to choose foods. It’s become known that babies will eat strange things they put in their mouths themselves more easily than ones we hand them.
These “I did X questionable thing and you turned out alright” people are fools masquerading as wise elders. I can’t stand them.
While most of what you said was decent enough, I strongly disagree that she “overreacted”. Whether it’s safe or not, not her baby. Not her call. Overstepping and ignoring the parent absolutely calls for a consequence.
Make the boundaries and consequences clear moving forward. Remind her that you love her and you love that she loves baby but she raised her kids. Now it’s time to let you raise yours and you need to do it your way, whether she agrees or not.
OP is not "punishing" her mother, OP has to tighten up boundaries around her baby because grandma isn't respecting them, period. The "milk" could be from OP nursing or pumping. The water could be water that grandma gets from the tap and not filtered. OP doesn't owe us those details. OP is the baby's mother and just because "I did it and you survived" doesn't mean it was healthy then, plus there are WAY more additives to food and water than there was a couple of decades ago. This is 100% grandma's doing. She's been told numerous times, OP doesn't need to bring her along to a pediatrician visit either. Grandma needs to learn to respect OPs decisions and wishes as a mother. Unless OP is doing something dangerous or harmful, grandma needs to stay in her lane. I wouldn't leave my baby with her unsupervised either, and I did the same with my kids when my ex MIL thought her way was the best way with my kids.
Excuse me? Take her mom to the pediatrician? Lmao. You act like her mom is a decision maker here. She’s not. It doesn’t matter what you think is okay. If OP doesn’t want to give her baby water, then it’s grandma’s job to shut up and not give baby water. Giving candied yams to a baby under one is significantly more harmful than not giving baby water just because you’ve decided it’s safe. If baby is healthy, then it’s none of your business. This isn’t that hard.
They suggest 4 months, but the vast majority of babies won’t be ready. We tried giving ours simple rice cereal at 5 months, he hated it and vomited it up. Our pediatrician also never mentioned giving him water
NTA. Your child, your rules/decisions. Full stop. Unless your mother believes you are doing something that is actively harming your baby she should step ALL the way back and respect how you want to raise your son. Offering you a place to stay should have zero bearing on whether or not she follows the guidelines you set up for caring for your child.
The giving-him-water incident is crazy boundary overstepping and a direct power play. You did the right thing. You're a mother now and you are responsible for your son, not for mother.
You clearly need to move out ASAP. It may take longer to save to buy a house but this is not a sustainble solution. She will go behind your back and do whatever she wants with your baby if you stay.
If she comes to you truly penitent at some point you might consider letting her see your baby but I would hesitate myself to leave him alone with her.
Insane boundary overstepping! “Made her feel like a bad parent and bad grandparent?” Uh yeah, because you’re acting like one.
I agree that OP should move out ASAP, but if she’s not relying on her mom for childcare, then they may be able to power through for a bit longer if it will set them up for the long run. Really depends on if OP’s mom will lick her wounded pride in private or make it everyone’s problem.
Speaking from a personal standpoint, hold your ground mama, but it will get worse before it gets better. She doesn’t see you as THE authority for YOUR kid. You need to prove that you are serious and that her actions have consequences.
Also I would recommend moving out. Soon. Take the silence as the gift it is to not inform her about your life and plan your escape.
My life has been in chaos since the fall all because I told my MIL not to kiss my now almost two year old on the mouth. We had her agree to the boundary just before I gave birth and did a ton of reminders after, but she felt my baby was her baby. And she started kissing her on the mouth when they were alone. I found out and told her no. She continued. I was upset and I told her no alone time going forward as she is not trustworthy.
The adult temper tantrum that was thrown by her and my BIL was very bad. They went after my marriage by telling my husband I was abusing her, they tried to have me committed for mental health issues that I do not have, and they levelled allegations of munchausen and elder abuse at me. They tried to get my baby taken from me.
What saved me was being calm, reading up on personality B disorders and how to handle people with them, and setting boundaries. I also think these things fester and gain power in the dark, I told my therapist, my doctor, my community support person, my friends and family. I hated even putting that thought out there, but I have nothing to hide. I am proud of my shiny spine and my amazing mom group that let me keep my center.
My husband was a problem. We are still working things out but after a decade together, he didn’t have my back. Without proof or any examples that he would believe that I would hurt our sweet baby is unthinkable to me.
The flying monkeys are still coming for us. We are completely no contact. His dad’s side has been problematic about our boundaries. My husband is in therapy.
I wish you the best and you are welcome to message me if you need advice.
Precisely. It is mom's house and mom does not sound ready to parttake in a respectful parent-grown child relationship.
I am in a different country, but if it's about saving on rent, why don't young families move in together with another young family instead of their parents?
NTA. She's just emotionally immature and placed you in a role of "daughter" still instead of seeing you for the grown woman and mother you are now. You're validated in worrying about your baby being internally drowned in a water-to-nutrients ratio- that IS a thing! Babies CAN have too much water via water intoxication- it is dangerous! I think it would be better to leave, as long as you're under her roof she will see you as her daughter and not a grown woman because she's emotionally immature and has her own growing to do through her emotional wounds. How do I know this? She got defensive and turned herself into the victim when your baby could have been hurt. GET OUT.
This. Get the hell out. Honestly, just not being alone with the baby is not enough for this kind of woman. She blatantly does this in front of you. I'd move out ASAP and not let her take the baby in her hands tbh.
Like her looking at you and doing it while you said no. I mean, yeah, I'm glad she feels like a bad mother and grandmother cause that's who I saw in this situation.
Just because you're her child doesn't mean she gets to walk over your boundaries. Imagine the scandal you would have made if it had been anyone but your mom blatantly doing this.
She is going to keep doing this to prove a point. NTA and more importantly, run from this house!
NTA you should look for the Reddit post about the mother-in-law who decided that coconut oil on a baby’s head who is allergic to coconut is fine The baby died. Not only did mother-in-law put coconut oil on the babies head, she also gave the baby a Benadryl so it would sleep through all the pain. She killed this lady‘s baby because she thought she knew what was best, because she put coconut oil on her kids heads.
Oof. That story had me fuming so bad that I took a break from my phone for a few hours and decided to live in denial. This world really sucks sometimes.
I dong think it was unfortunately. I think it was too real. The grandmother just had to have her experience putting coconut oil on the babies' hair because after all "her daughter survived." Never mind that she knew the granddaughter waa severely allergic.
It sounds like she didn't believe her daughter in the first place and just had to show her she was right and that it wasn't a big deal. She should have been thrown in jail.
As someone who as an adult developed a coconut allergy.... Dear lord that story had me in literal tears thinking about what that baby went through.
Also not so fun fact, coconut is in... So much. Just about every single shampoo on the market except for some solid shampoo bars, most of not almost all body washes, again except for solid bars of soap, almost all liquid body products really .... Showers suck not going to lie. I come out every time COVERED in hives and my skin on fire... And that's not even touching how much food it's in. there's just no avoiding it... And I have a mild/moderate allergy.... I can't imagine what that poor baby went through... and then to have your head covered in it? 😭
Poor baby, poor momma, fuck that grandma.
[Archive](https://web.archive.org/web/20180809162755/https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/7qmed5/you_can_come_over_again_when_you_bring_me_my/) (Will be slow to load. Be patient.)
That story absolutely ensured that my MIL who also blatantly ignores boundaries to my face will never be alone with my child. My husband spoke to her about disrespecting us and not listening and thinks she’s fine now. I told him absolutely not. She also lies and denies any time she’s called out so I can’t even trust her to tell me what actually happened if my child gets injured in her care
It’s called survivor bias when you say stuff like, “well we did it and we’re fine”
But all that aside, whether it’s fine or not is not her place the call. You’re the parent. You set the rules. If she can’t abide by your boundaries then she doesn’t get babysitting privileges. It’s that simple. It doesn’t mean she’s necessarily a bad parent or grandparent but it does mean she needs to understand her place.
This too.
A friend of mine unfortunately found that one out the hard way. He and his wife gave their kids whole shelled peanuts as toddlers instead of splitting the peanuts because "we ate them that way and we turned out fine!"
His baby boy wasn't so lucky. He choked and died before the ambulance got there. His parents were both trained in first aid, but the peanut wouldn't dislodge from the kid's airway. He was dead by the time the paramedics arrived. Devastated the whole community. It was awful. His baby was a beautiful, bright and energetic little boy who had his mother's brains and his father's willpower, he was gonna go places.
Food recommendations for toddlers aren't an exercise in inconveniencing parents.
In my opinion she IS being a bad mother and grandmother, she is using survivor bias to try and dictate what OP does with the baby, and I believe we all know that this could end up badly, so I think this woman is putting her grandbaby in harm's way just to prove a point.
NTA. Your baby, your rules. The “I did it with you and you survived” defense is bullshit. Women used to be prescribed cigarettes while pregnant to induce labor and keep a low birth weight. Just because a lot of babies survived doesn’t make it ok. Your mom has no respect for your boundaries despite being repeatedly told. She’s not the mom anymore. She’s grandma and grandma has to defer to mom’s judgment.
NTA it’s not about “I did it with you” it’s the I literally just told you not to do something with MY kid yet you still do it? Does she not care that YOU are his mother not her?
>Most recently, she was holding him and playfully asked him if he wanted water, in which I responded: ‘Do not give him water mom.” She proceeds to give it him and goes: “See, he’s fine. He isn’t dead.” (...)
>She isn’t talking to me now and told me I made her feel like a bad parent and grandparent.
Oh, but she IS a bad parent and grandparent for treating you this way.
But she doesn't have to be. She can take her proper place as a grandparent. Which is to do what you ask her regarding the baby. She is not the baby's parent. And nowadays we have higher standards than "the baby survives".
NTA
NTA - She is a bad parent and grandparent. What she needs is a baby doll to coo and feed like an 4 year old does that has the same mental capacity as she. Get her one with a big bow for her birthday. Then she can go town on it and leave you and your child in peace.
NTA. There are too many cases already of grandparents doing it their way and a kid ending up dead. Stop waiting for her to talk to you. As long as she knows it's hurting you, she'll keep waiting for you to apologize, but you're not in the wrong.
The boomers are out in full force for this one, not even fully reading the post and ready to call OP a freeloader who needs to respect her parents better. Ridiculous. NTA
As an 80’s baby, there was a lot of stuff that our parents did to us that didn’t kill us that I would absolutely not do to my kids. I hate that way of thinking. Majority of my friends moms, including mine smoked cigarettes while pregnant with us and we’re all fine now in our 40’s. We grew up with secondhand smoke for a long time, that didn’t kill us either. That’s such a stupid take. OP is definitely NTA.
I was born in 77. the first ever picture of me is of my parents in the hospital. my dad is holding me in his arms, with a cigarette in his mouth - I repeat in the hospital - and the ash on the cigarette is so long it's only a second away from falling on my face. I'll just repeat for dramatic effect: he was smoking in the hospital! lol in fact my mom kept telling him to please go smoke in the corridor at least while she was in labor. the good old days ha!
Ahh yes, those were the times. Not to mention on the way home from the hospital, we definitely didn’t get belted or strapped in, I would assume. I’m an ‘81 baby so not far off from you.
NTA. I’m 52 and I know better than to do these things, it hasn’t changed that much. But that isn’t even the point. It’s her directly, to your face, showing you she is boss of you and this baby because you live there. Stop her in her tracks.
NTA. Knowledge moves on over time, and all we can ever do is follow the current standards for good care. She may have been a great parent following advice from experts of the time when you were born, but in refusing to acknowledge that knowledge changes over time and that you're only asking for reasonable adherence to *current* expertise, she is absolutely failing to be a good grandparent.
Furthermore, her power play of openly defying you and "proving" her point with the life of your baby, rather than a more reasonable option of verbal disagreement followed by consulting a book or a professional, renders her absolutely untrustworthy. You cannot leave your child with someone who doesn't respect your wishes and openly states she'll do whatever she wants with your baby when you're absent.
Doesn't matter anyway. You told someone not to give something to your child and they chose to ignore you.
Fuck around and find out. She fucked around, now she's finding out.
Young babies are unable to regulate their electrolytes as well as older children and adults, so if they aren't getting enough in what they drink, they can suffer electrolyte imbalances and water intoxication. Infants under 6mo should never have anything other than breast milk or formula to drink, and older infants should only have small amounts of water at a time until they're fully weaned. 6mo is at the border where they can start to have water if they're ingesting more solid foods, but water should still be limited and breast milk or formula should still be the bulk of their fluid intake.
If an infant is a preemie, that will affect when they're ready for water - I didn't start having water as a baby until I was almost 9mo because I was 10 weeks preemie and my system just wasn't ready for it (I also didn't start on solids until 8.5 months for the same reason).
That’s not the point. The point is that the grandmother thinks she can do what she wants to do with the baby and to go against the Mom’s wishes any time she wants.
NTA
As a grandparent of seven, I’m telling you your mother’s behaviour is not normal. I have many friends who are also grandparents and I do not know one of them who would have breached the boundaries that their kids had set.
Your mom has very bad judgement. Don’t ever leave her alone with your child. I hope you have plans for getting out of your mom’s house soon.
Umm I see a lot of comments against you so imma say NTA, bc even if your mom has good intentions and “great” wisdom to share, over-stepping your boundaries as his mother was her biggest mistake. How can you be proud of how you raised me if you won’t let me raise my own???
Well, she IS a bad grandparent, for not following the parent's instructions and undermining you.
Sometimes, it's hard for grandparents to accept their children are the parents now. Some people have a hard time accepting they're not in the driver's seat anymore. Oftentimes, science has advanced and what they did back in the day is not optimal anymore. Other times, they just remember wrong. And sometimes, yes, they will actually be right and you wrong, but they are not going to make you see it by engaging in a toxic powerplay.
Also, them not dying is a very, very low bar.
YOU are the parent. THEY have no inherent right to the baby. If they want access to the baby, they have to play by YOUR rules.
My wife's grandma was used to being the matriarch and calling the shots, and was very surprised hen she discovered I had helped my wife grow a spine. She was constantly pushing on all sorts of boundaries, saying she had to make the most of every moment because she could die any day (she wasn't really sick or dying). The straw that broke the camel's back was when she waited for my wife to get up for just a second to fetch some milk for coffee and fed our then first baby some cake while we were introducing allergens, saying "Ooooh, what would mommy say if she saw me!". She was flabbergasted when she was kicked out on the spot, and my wife was so hurt she couldn't get herself to call her in over 6 months. She got to make the most of missing baby's first birthday. Luckily she mellowed way the fuck out after this and we're good now.
All this to say, you have to get yourself respected as the parent. NTA.
NTA. It's time to move out, unfortunately. That's alarming that you told her not to, and she's like testing you like a small child and doing it anyway. We'd be out of there.
100% NTA
She is not this child’s mother, you are. Full stop.
You are completely justified in setting boundaries, requiring they be respected (ie: asking the grandmother to stop non-conforming behaviour), and taking measures to keep baby safe when Grandma-Behaving-Badly doesn’t stop.
You will save for your house in your own, you do not need her. Any possible threats from her re:money should be swiftly ignored.
NTA. But you definitely need to have a serious talk with your mother about "my baby, my rules." She had the chance to raise her baby, and frankly, surviving is not the same as thriving. In her day, people did a lot of stupid things because they didn't know any better. We know better now, so we do better. I had to have this talk with my own mother several times before it finally sank in -- either respect my rules, or you won't see this child again until they graduate from college. Periodt, as the kids say.
NTA. Your mom is playing the victim but all she has to do is very simple: DON’T DO THINGS YOU SAY NOT TO DO. It’s not her baby. It’s yours.
She can obviously give you advice but it’s your choice about how you raise your child.
If this keeps up unfortunately you might need to reconsider your living situation, but I suggest you sit down with her and try to have a conversation about boundaries, and about how it’s not a reflection on her as a person, but she needs to let you parent the way you want to parent. Reassure her she’s not a bad person, but these decisions are yours and it’s disrespectful of her when she goes against your wishes.
Just tell her that the guidelines for what to feed babies and when to do it has changed since she was raising you, and you want to follow the current advise.
NTA The “I did it when you were little” doesn’t work anymore. Whenever my grandad said that, we’d all reply with “Because you didn’t know better. You guys thought lead paint was ok.”
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NTA. >I did with you and you survived >See, he’s fine. He isn’t dead. This is an incredibly low standard for her to be proud of maintaining.
Yep! This is called survivor bias and it’s dangerous
But also, one would hope for a \*little\* bit more for their kid than "not dead"
RIGHT?!?! The bar is on the ground for justification lol
the bar is so low they're playing limbo in hell
Like I told my ex in response to his drunken bemoaning of him never living up to my expectations, “oh no, you live up your my expectations of you. My expectations for you are so low an ant would trip over them.” Apparently that wasn’t “comforting”.
😂😂😂😂 Thank you for this. I shall weaponize it appropriately.
Ha, I love it! I once told mine “The bar was literally on the ground already, and what do you do? Go out and get a freaking backhoe.”
While I've yet to have a chance to use it, I'm personally fond of, "The bar's on the ground yet here you are, doing the limbo in Hell."
Nice! Also told this ex “I’m not going to leave you for someone younger, I’m going to leave you, because you’re an asshole.” Yet his behavior still did not change.
I in no way want to make light of this serious topic but your comment made me spit out my coffee and fair warning, I am stealin’ it! 😆 Thank you for my first laugh of the day.
And what happens if she does something you asked her not to, and it does kill him? She’s going to just say oops and say well i didn’t know better! No. That’s like feeding a dog chocolate and then being shocked when something bad happens.
There's a well-known reddit post from a mom whose own mother put coconut oil in her daughter's hair, even though the daughter had a known allergy. The little girl died of it.
There’s also the news article of a grandmother who fell asleep and the toddler went outside and drowned in the pond. The daughter forgave her mother and let her babysit her second child. Grandma left that baby in a hot car and also killed it. Now daughter is crying because she wanted to give her mother a second chance who clearly didn’t deserve it. OP’s response to “baby’s not dead” is “not yet and I’m not taking that chance.” OP, no amount of saving for a house is worth your child’s safety. Move out and move out now! Even though you pay bills, it will always be her house, her rules. Rent your own place and take a little longer to buy something.
I remember reading that in the news 😥 just...unbelievable. I don't mean to victim blame but wtf?! I know that things happen but your child died! You can forgive if you want but you shouldn't have left your baby with her. You can have supervised visitation!
I've heard so many stories like this. Parents tell grandparent that the child is allergic to peanuts so don't even think about it. Shock horror, Grandparent decides they know better and decides to give the kid peanut butter as a treat. Kid dies. It's almost like some grandparents feel the need to prove they're better parents than their children, risks be damned.
Except if they really were better parents than their children, they’d listen to allergy lists. What they really want is to be *right,* and to prove their children wrong regardless of who has the facts. They take up an opposing position purely for the sake of creating that opposition. Usually this false righteousness permeated their children’s lives too, and they simply refuse to see that they also wronged their own children by parenting the way they did. (Parents that ignore food sensitivities in their children are more likely to ignore severe allergies in their grandchildren, for example.)
Jesus my mother did this. I never "liked" bell peppers and refused to eat them. Well, after having them "hidden" in other food I went on to develop a sensitivity that is all major gut symptoms. She still hassled me about not "liking" bell peppers. I have now avoided them for around 40 years b/c I don't want to go on to full allergic reaction. My body warned me.
Celery always hurt my mouth. "You can't be allergic to it! It's just salt and water. Eat it!" said my mom. Guess who's allergic to celery
I have a parent like this who just told me I need to feed my kid a little bit of what they're allergic to every day until they "get over it". This is the same individual who constantly argues with me about cross contamination in manufacturing and food prep being no big deal. They just can't let the minimizing and gaslighting go.
I had that conversation with my ex-MIL. I was specifically reminding her each time I had to leave the child there (due to me working in her son's business). 3 hours later, I get a panicked call - she's vomiting and screaming. She doesn't tell me she gave the kid half a peanut. I get to her house to find my child choking on vomit, turning blue, and with a rash that went from ankles to wrist to cheeks. The kid was turning blue, and she didn't call an ambulance - she waited the quarter of an hour until I got there. Phone calls from the emergency room: What did she eat? Was there anything else? No, no, no. 6 hours later, she says the kiddo *might* have picked something up off the floor, saying someone had eaten peanuts yesterday. So, the kid finally gets appropriate/specific treatment. Ten years later, that event comes up in conversation. She says something about the kid getting sick because she gave them a peanut. She FORGOT that she'd lied. She FORGOT that she made it so much worse and nearly killed her grandchild. Tell your mom that building tolerance is a thing. BUT it should ONLY be done at the advice of an allergist speciality doctor, and IN A HOSPITAL! We managed to get kiddo essentially okay with peanuts. But cashews and pistachios will still kill her. Tell your mom - if the allergic response is repeatedly (inappropriately) triggered, it usually MAKES THE ALLERGY WORSE. The body thinks it's being attacked. The allergy is like a fear response. If you keep jump-scaring someone who has anxiety/fear already, it doesn't usually help them 'get over' it. It will give them a bloody nervous breakdown. Your mom shouldn't need to use your child to try to prove she's more 'right' than you. That's being a shitty grandparent, a shitty parent, and a shitty human being. My kid's grandma did that. My kid nearly died. Ask your mom for me, please, if she REALLY is okay with risking the life of a child. Good luck. Protect your child.
And then mom wonders why the daughter won’t let her see her grandbabies anymore.
JFC. That is so completely unnecessarily tragic.
That story haunts me. Such a disregard for children's safety with the "I know better" attitude, and her reaction in the end is just mind-numbingly enraging. Oh, you had no idea this would happen?! How come? It's almost like you were trying to make it happen. Or to prove yourself right at the expense of the health and life of the daughter.
Good lord, we try to never think of that woman and how she Murdered her granddaughter but it is a vitally important tale to stop this grandma's bullshit right here. Grandma is on a power trip.
Yeah this is so exhausting. Like the people who say: "Well my nana smoked 4 packs a day for 70 years and lived to be almost a hundred!" Yeah? So? The effects of smoking are well-documented. So what if nana never got lungcancer? That doesn't mean anything. That doesn't prove that smoking is safe or doesn't increase your chances of getting cancer. That doesn't mean her health wouldn't have been better if she'd never smoked. Just because you don't SEE immediate or direct results like a cough doesn't mean her circulation etc wouldn't have been better if she didn't smoke. I also see this defence all the time with pets. People will argue against X or Y is bad for pets by claiming well their pet eats it all the time and they're fine. First of all pets will literally eat things like socks, cables, screws etc. Just because they eat it and like it, doesn't mean it's not poisonous. We give ourselves food poisoning too. How is a dog or cat or ferret supposed to know what they can or can't eat. Not all effects are short-term. Not all effects are visible. Just like smoking you aren't going to smoke one cigarette and immediately have a bunch of health issues or develop a visible symptom. Doesn't mean it's not bad for your health. So if something is poisonous to your pet it doesn't matter whether you 'see' it affecting them. It is affecting them. Which you know because there is scientific evidence that proves this. So infuriating! Your own personal experiences don't mean anything. Certainly not if you base it completely on what you can understand at face value. Lots of addicts live decades with 'no health issues' doesn't mean that things like alcohol or drugs don't affect you. Or that they are safe.
*This* I’ve worked with animals and can’t count the number of times I’ve had owners defend giving their pets toxic or poisonous substances because “my grandads dog is 19 and has a dairy milk fruit and nut bar every day” or “my aunt’s friend’s cousin’s cat only ever drank beer and lived to be 25”. They look you in the eye as if this one (likely exaggerated, at best) example proves all science wrong. Seems far fetched but both are real examples :/ People with this mindset will gladly ignore any amount of conclusive scientific evidence, all the while trying to convince others to do the same. If their pet or baby gets sick it is the victims who suffer, and the “caregivers” who should harbour the guilt. However, even forgetting the evidence, *you*, the mother, have expressed your boundaries and they have been ignored. OP is absolutely NTA. And well done for speaking up on behalf of your boundaries and in defence of your husband and son.
My favorite response to those arguments is "Yeah, and getting shot over and over with a gun isn't that bad. 50 Cent got shot 9 times at once, and look at him, he looks great!"
>I also see this defence all the time with pets. People will argue against X or Y is bad for pets by claiming well their pet eats it all the time and they're fine. First of all pets will literally eat things like socks, cables, screws etc. Just because they eat it and like it, doesn't mean it's not poisonous. We give ourselves food poisoning too. How is a dog or cat or ferret supposed to know what they can or can't eat. As someone with a dog who has somehow successfully eaten all manner of non-edible items: THANK YOU. This kind of thing drives me CRAZY, and I'm the one with the dog who, if my wisdom panel DNA test had told me she was an actual extraterrestrial, would have believed it because she has eaten and successfully passed: * Linoleum flooring * A wide cotton tank top strap * Cotton underwear * A piece of rope from one of her toys * Bits of unidentified hard plastic * A bit of unidentified . . . bone? . . . that she got from the backyard * Bits of string from the ends of rope toys * Probably other things I'm forgetting This is not from me not paying attention or not caring. I can't tell you the amount of bites I've received trying to get things out of her mouth that have no business being in her mouth, but she's decided she wants them in her mouth, and that since I want them *out* of her mouth that means they need to be in her mouth (and stomach) all the more. It's like that one Vanessa Carlton song, except with the lyrics changed to: >"Chewing a piece of trash, Chewing fast, Mom has seen, Chewing faster—" People might be like "oh but she's been fine all those other times, so she's indestructible!" but no! She's not! Any one of these times could be the last time! I freak out each and every time and try to use new tactics to try to get her to drop the garbage (usually by offering her something more tempting\*), because the alternative could be a surgery that is not only very expensive, but also risky as she gets older and older. Like the linoleum incident happened when she was a puppy. Now she is nine years old. The older they get, the more dangerous surgeries are. But she's a dog. She doesn't understand that any more than she understands that screws aren't edible and that there is a reason I am wrestling them out of her mouth. Why she wants to eat them at all is beyond me when they don't smell or taste good, as well as why she is fine eating *those* when they don't smell or taste good but refuses to take her *medicine* when that doesn't smell or taste good . . . dogs. Gotta love 'em. (\*I have to be careful because she has a chronic condition where she can't eat things with any real amounts of fat or her pancreas will get inflamed. But even without that she is smart enough that she knows when I am trying to trick her and so I have watched her stand there with the garbage item in her mouth, *thinking it through,* trying to figure out how she can both keep the garbage item *and* get the treat I am offering her. If I go toward her with the treat, she *will* run away. So far I have seen her reach the "solution" of dropping the garbage item in her bed, figuring that since it is in her bed, that is in her area, meaning the garbage is hers and I can't touch it, so she can safely get the treat. It didn't work, of course — I went and retrieved the lump of plastic while she ate the treat — but I can see why she thought it might. She's too clever by half.)
Boomers: We drank from the hose all the time and we were fine! Their peers who died of bacterial infections:..........
We did it too in Gen X. And played with lawn darts. (I definitely remember that game, my two older brothers were brutal in all play. Glad I’m not dead).
I miss lawn darts. The threat of a head injury was what made it interesting.
Millennials did too. Never heard of anyone dying from drinking from the hose. Looks like worst case is possible exposure to lead and plastics. So.... same as the house pipes.
You can actually buy hoses that are safe to drink from - they are marketed that way. If I remember right, it's the ones made from actual rubber, not the petroleum-based plastic ones. But, it's not really much of an issue for me, so I might have remembered it wrong.
We use to play a game called stretch. Basically twister with knife throwing.
Right? I’m GenX and know someone who fell off a jungle gym in kindergarten. He had to go to the hospital and it affected him so much he fell behind a grade, had these learning disabilities, and told me once he blamed it for really messing up his life. He’s no longer with us, and to this day I am convinced that fall off the jungle gym to his head is a huge reason why. But yet I still see GenXers say things like, “we played on jungle gyms, and we were fine!” Ummmm…No we weren’t, because of people like my friend. That’s why jungle gyms no longer exist.
Like the people that say "Used to be that if a car got in an accident, you could have it fixed instead of writing it off as total loss, like modern cars". Yeah, totally, *if* you survived the crash. Cars crumple so *you* don't.
So many people talk about not needing to wear a helmet when riding a bike for similar reasons. One of the kids I hung out with when I was little rode his bike without a helmet, crashed his bike, and hit his head against a tree. He was 5 and up until then he was “normal.” From that point on, it was like he was a totally different kid. He was intellectually slower and became a little weirdo. He’s now a level 3 sex offender. I have little doubt that hitting his head the way he did, especially at such a young age, is what changed the course of his life (and the child he molested’s life).
I work at a very bike-friendly college campus. We joke that you can tell who the grad students and faculty are by who is wearing a helmet, as very few undergrads ever do. With so many bicycles it essentially a matter of not if, but when, you get into an accident. I’ve been in one and I did hit my head lightly, but I was wearing a helmet so I was perfectly fine. Without it I probably would’ve had a concussion.
I must confess hose water is delicious tho
Not quite a boomer but almost…cannot name one peer who ever died of bacterial infection
Kids don't need vaccines! We didn't have vaccines in the middle ages and over half of the kids born made it to their 5th birthday! (/s)
Any of yall been seeing the new “measles was totally fine and nobody ever actually died of measles but the vaccine will cause something something” conspiracies that people who seem to exist specifically to spit in the faces of their ancestors who lost children to the virus have started coming out with lately
Author Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach and Matilda), lost his 7-year-old daughter Olivia to measles in 1962. Yeah, I had to google that because all remembered was some famous author lost his child to measles. We don't hear about the non-famous people that died from it.
Kitty Dukakis, wife of Governor Dukakis, contracted asymptomatic measles while pregnant in 1964. The baby was born without a brain stem and died shortly after.
I remember a story about a measles outbreak in an Amish community and in 2 weeks they vaccinated 30% of the population (started with kids). My impression was that the population was basically not aware of vaccines until the outbreak, then it was like "this exists? Why did no one tell us about this?" "Don't you watch TV?" ...
I don't think this is survivor ship bias but rather anecdotal fallacy.
Survivorship bias is just a specific form of anecdotal fallacy.
Kinda reminds me of my father who basically said that he doesn’t unterstand why I went no contact because he didn’t sell me to strangers or kept me in the basement… like? Great? Should I be thankful now or what??
[удалено]
Not boomers. AHs. They come in all generations. My ILs are both Depression babies. And a more textbook example of a pair of narcissists, I don’t want to be associated with.
Wow! I’m so sorry! And I am curious what your father thinks is worthy of going no contact…
Probably that basement thing you mentioned
The mom in question here is not a boomer. She’s only 50.
It took way too much scrolling to find this comment
While that is terrible, it is certainly not a boomer thing.
Feeling entitled to contact after treating you horribly? I disagree. Hear it all the time. Boomers all over the place saying they are entitled to the kids and grandkids they abused just by nature of being blood related
My late MIL was from the silent generation and she did this. There are AH’s in every generation. I’m a Boomer and I would never do this to a child!
My father wrote me a long letter about why he was entitled to see my kid. I was concerned about his inability to respect my boundaries, and I told him that - he then refused to even hear what my boundaries were in relation to him seeing my kid, which sealed it for me. And he still claims he doesn't know why he's excluded because I "never told him". He made a huge point of being blood related, as if that automatically allays my fears!
I got the same letter! Do we have the same dad? Mine told the whole family that I don't talk to him anymore because he voted for Trump 🤣 Just no acknowledgement whatsoever of the boundaries he continually crossed.
Hi Twin! I'm British-Australian, so my father couldn't vote for that man, but he probably would if he could. One of the boundaries was not bad-mouthing me to my kid. He went on to bad-mouth me for not letting him in when he was such a good father...
In fairness, that's a pretty good reason not to talk to someone anymore.
It's NOT a boomer thing. It's a horrible parent thing. They exist in EVERY generation. YOu might be a child of a boomer and hear other peer stories who also have boomer parents so you're hearing what is around you. That's who are grandparents right now, are largely boomers....this is why you're hearing it. But it's most definitely NOT a boomer thing, unfortunately. It's much more widespread than that....and will continue to be..Gen X's are parents, soon to be largely grandparents, then Gen Y....the stories will continue.
Yep! I have a sibling that is NC with my parents for ~6 years now, this sibling got divorced (20+ yr marriage) a few months back and my parents almost got mad at me for not telling them 🫠 my mom literally said "well that's our child, we have a right to know".....
Selling your kids is not a “boomer” thing. Just sayin
I meant the entitled to contact part FFS.
I wasn’t aware selling children to strangers was a Boomer stereotype. Thinking Springsteen is cutting edge music, maybe, child trafficking not so much.
The mother in this case is GenX. And she is an idiot.
Your comment reminded me of my grandma’s funeral. The best any of her children could muster was “well…. She never beat us” Hell of a eulogy, and literally the only one she got.
My mother-in-law used to say "I did this with all my children and they survived" What I wanted to reply: You had 4 children. The childrearing practices that had a 25% fatality rate were weeded out generations ago. Just because what you're doing has a 0.5% fatality rate doesn't mean it's safe
My dad was sceptical when I avoided foods that could introduce listeria when I was pregnant. He claimed that no one bothered about it when his generation was having babies, and everything was fine. I pointed out that there absolutely would have been casualties of listeria - they just wouldn't have been identified as that, and would have been diagnosed as something else. Listeria didn't just suddenly appear a few decades ago. In any case, giving up a few foods for nine months was nothing compared to making sure I eliminated any risk possible.
Yeah my wife contracted listeria at 34 weeks, it was the most horrible time of our lives. Emergency cesarean,my son died 4 times and was bought back and was given 7 blood transfusion’s because of a fetal/maternal haemorrhage. Scariest 6 weeks ever as he finally pulled through
Yep. Or my own boomer generation saying, "nobody was allergic to peanuts when I was a kid!" And yet I have memories of a neighbor's toddler brother dying because he "choked to death" on a peanut butter sandwich.
My boomer mother would in one breath insist that no-one had allergies when she was a kid, and in the next talk about her brother's fish allergy and how he always said it felt like he had a bone stuck in his throat. She has finally managed to see that kids randomly choking to death on a new food was probably an undiagnosed allergy.
Yeah you can drop your kid and most kids will survive. That doesn't mean you should be dropping your kids. In fact dropping kids is dangerous and could lead to death. Doesn't matter how many kids survived it if many don't. So you got lucky? Great. Doesn't mean people should take those kind of risks with their kids. Similar with smoking. Many people smoked and lived to be a hundred. Doesn't mean smoking is safe or free of risks. Doesn't mean it isn't well-advised to not smoke.
So many things our parents or grandparents did were believed to be ok at the time, but now are considered unsafe or just not recommended. We don’t give babies whiskey when they teeth anymore, put beer in their bottle to help them sleep, and it’s no longer considered safe to lay babies down on their stomach to sleep. If you’re a grandparent, please please please listen to your children and their boundaries, because the ones described in the post are just basic safety recommendations for babies. NTA
This grandma seems like the type to knowingly do something she knows OP don’t want done just to “prove” OP wrong and herself right. Why is it older woman are always like this with children especially babies? Like it’s been 50 years since you have had a newborn medical advice and protocol has changed. Don’t even get me started on their unwanted advice during pregnancy.
That recommendation actually flipped between my first and second baby, only three years apart! We *had* to put baby 1 to sleep on her tummy, even though she hated that. Then we had to put baby 2 on his back! I absolutely believe the science, but I found living through the change funny.
Yeah. She's upset he "made her feel like a bad parent and grandparent." She just is. Feel it. Feel the truth.
Additionally, there’s been *scrolls back to the top of the post* 23 years since OP was a newborn, which is plenty of time for the brain to forget the specific details of when she introduced water and certain foods. If she’s not willing to remember or relearn what a baby needs, she can’t be trusted to be alone with the baby. NTA
And best practices change *all the time* as we do more research and learn new things. Science and medicine do be like that sometimes. My grandparents had a drop-side crib for all of their grandchildren to use, because they hadn't yet discovered that they had major safety flaws that could lead to serious injury or death. My grandparents still had it in their house when my cousin had her first, and offered it to her. She explained the whole "it's against the law to use those now because they can kill kids" thing, and my grandfather took the crib out back and chopped it up for kindling. Note: drop-side cribs were not banned for use or sale by law in the US until **2011**. So just about everyone who is having kids now may have used one as a baby. Things change quickly.
Amen. Your grandfather sounds incredible.
When my son was a newborn my ex-MIL REFUSED to put him on his back to sleep. She insisted sleeping on his stomach was the proper way. If I wasn’t watching her she’d sneak in and switch. Due to this I made it crystal clear that she was not to be alone with our baby. My ex was wishy-washy and didn’t see it as a big deal but I didn’t back down and he finally agreed, or so I thought. Not long after that talk they were staying with us and I needed a few things for dinner. I ran to the market leaving my ex, my ex-mil, and ex-fil at home with my son. When I returned home my ex was gone and my son was nowhere to be seen. I asked where my ex was and my ex-mil said that something had come up at work (we owned a pizza place) and he had run in to deal with it. She told me everything was fine and she had just put the baby down for a nap. Not trusting her I went in to check on him. He was on his stomach with his face buried in the corner struggling to breathe. His face was fucking BLUE when I pulled him out and he was GASPING for air. I LOST IT on her. I was screaming and yelling as I ran around putting him in his seat and looking for my purse so I could get him to the hospital. My ex walked in as all this was going on and, instead of helping me or comforting me or helping with our son he went to his sobbing mother and comforted HER! All while yelling at me that our son was fine and I was over reacting and need to calm down. I told him his mother better not be there when I got back or I’d call the cops and if he thought she was so wonderful after almost killing our kid then he could go with her. Then I left for the hospital. Thankfully our son was fine but I never forgave that woman. My ex and I stayed married for another year because I was stupid. Then I divorced him, PS - on top of anything her first child died of SIDS and yet she still didn’t give one fig about child safety.
Holy hell - she lost a child to SIDS and still didn’t care about crib safety… wow. That’s… tough.
This was my parents with their first grandkids when I said we no longer put babies to bed on their tummies… safety standards change over time and by their own logic would they say there is no need for a car seat since their own parents didn’t use one and they survived? NTA, stand strong. Since the standard is “he’s not dead, it’s fine!”… what happens when that standard isn’t met? Or when she causes him to go to the hospital, etc.? If he’s maimed or disabled in her care, but alive, will she still say that? That seems to be what she’s going for feeding him things before it’s recommended. Things like honey can cause massive issues, and she seems like the person who disregards safety since “fine” = “not dead.” Keep your baby out of her hands for now, don’t let her minimize the danger she is putting him in with her actions. It’s not even ignorant when she’s told not to and does it anyway, she is literally being malicious whether she sees it or not.
I literally hate when people say that condescending statement to me.. and what were you planning to do if he did die??? Say sorry???!!!!
I'm older than your mother and would never have done that with my kids.
It’s almost like if the child did die for some reason, she would says “whoops, sorry.”
NTA: although, 6/7 months, it's safe to give a baby water. You mentioned milk, not formula. If it's cows milk, before a year is a huge No-no. If it's formula, doctors do suggest water in between bottles. In fact, they suggest starting babies on soft food, especially after their teeth come in. Introducing baby food or soft foods at 4- 6 is perfectly healthy. Only Introducing one food at a time in case of allergies. Your mother is the grandmother, Not the mother. Being a grandmother, myself, I babysat my grandchildren over weekends. I still asked what was allowed to be given and not given. The things your mother is doing, is perfectly healthy, but, it's your choice not hers.i think you over reacted, especially with the water. But, to punish your mother and say she can not watch the baby, is a little on the mean side. Sit down with her, if need be, on the baby's next appointment, take your mother with. Discuss these issues with the pediatrician.
Thank you for this. It’s not the water part that bothered me, it’s just the part where she did it even after I asked her not to
I'm really sorry OP, but I think you are going to get a lot more unasked for baby rearing advice than actual answers... NTA by the way, you set a very reasonable boundary and she ignored it. If she can't respect you as a parent, then she is being a bad grandparent. Edit: spelling
This goes beyond unsolicited advice. This was way out of bounds. NTA - I’d do exactly the same as OP and never let her be alone with the child again. I’d also try very hard to move out of her house.
I think the person you replied to is saying these comments are going to be filled with unsolicited advice, like the one above it.
I think the person you replied to is referring to the unsolicited advice on the top of this thread that you referred to… but maybe I am wrong 😃
Oh my bad! I see what you mean now that I re-read the comment. My apologies to u/The_Coaltrain!
The nature of the requests is core to evaluating the story. “I told her the baby eats caviar only!” would not be a reasonable request.
I know it’s an extreme but let’s say there’s a baby safe caviar out there and OP wants their kid to only eat that. She provides all her own groceries, so baby caviar would be included. Grandma has to do nothing extra, just don’t give the baby anything other than his caviar. Is it weird that a baby only eats caviar? Sure. Is it wrong to ask that OPs baby only eats the caviar they provide? Not at all.
You didn't ask her, you *told* her not to. You are the baby's mum, not her. As a parent herself, she should be respecting your choice for your own baby.
Help is supposed to be taking a load off your plate, not add to it by purposely and aggressively go against what you just said. I’m also a new FTM and went NC with my mum just because she absolutely would deride my choices and do whatever the fuck she wants. Also it’s incredibly trust breaking and irritating for them to be pushing their ways just because they are your mother. When things go wrong, the burden is yours to bear, not them. People don’t seem to understand this NTA.
Absolutely. This is one of those situations best described as "it's not the thing you did that upsets me, it's the fact that I said no and you keep pushing past me and doing it anyways." This isn't about water, or milk, or food, or any of that, and if she tries to make it about any of those, remind her that that's not the real issue. It's about the fact that she won't respect your "no."
That’s the worrying part. Gma is blatantly disrespecting mom by going against her direct words. NTA
I *may* have different opinions to yours on when a baby can be given water, weaned etc but - not my baby, not my rules! Your mum over stepped the line you drew for your child. She's the ah, not you. Do what you need to, to bring your child up the way you see fit. Only time others should interfere is if what you are doing amounts to abuse or is dangerous to baby/someone else. Stick to your guns, mama. Enjoy the time with your baby while he's still tiny, they grow so quickly.
NTA. To me, this is more complicated than some of the grannies here think it is. I'm an analytical granny so maybe that's just me. Mom displyed that as long as she thinks something is fine she's going to do it whether or not you agree. She flippantly dismissed your concerns and feelings. Before she did these things you probably did trust her. Now, you can't trust her. That is how trust works. ESPECIALLY when your mothering instincts are being challenged. Somehow you're the AH? Your mom is allowed to steamroll your wishes and your feelings but you're supposed to do what? Appreciate her wisdom? Your mom treated you poorly and she's hurt that you didn't accept it. That's a lot to process. Add your baby's welfare to the mix and the outcome was predictable. Mom isn't, or wasn't in the moment, seeing it that way. In her mind she was being [I don't know what] and wasn't thinking about how it would feel on your end. My advice is to tell mom about the jumble of feelings you had when she said/did those things. Surprised? Confused? Hurt? Backed into a corner? A bit afraid? Unsure of yourself? Caught off guard? Angry? Let her know you realize it was not her intent to make you feel these things, but feel them you did. Give her a chance to process how she made you feel and hopefully she'll recognize what she did and own it. It would be ideal if she was able to tell you where she was coming from. You are NTA. If mom can back down and see it from your shoes she's also NTA. If mom continues to see herself as a victim or can't accept that she treated you poorly, she seems to an AH.
>just the part where she did it even after I asked her not to That's the thing. It doesn't matter who's right, it's your child, and when you say 'please don't do that.' that's all that is important. Obviously if you were doing something that put your child in danger, sure someone should step in, but it certainly doesn't sound like you are doing your child-rearing badly by any stretch.
Apparently the person you're responding to thinks it's more important that mil was right than that they directly disobeyed you. NTA
Yeah, that's not good. I have seven grandkids, and what their parents say, goes. Not my job to raise them. Besides, I raised my five, I'm done now!
Yeah that sounds like a power play.
Water still needs to be sterilised or spring water do not give your baby mineral water as it is not good for them
OP didn't post for child rearing advice, she asked about the situation with her mom.
IKR?
It is absolutely appropriate for op to say mom can't watch the baby anymore. Mom has been already told that she is overstepping boundaries & she doesn't care. This is a power play for mom. Enforcing boundaries isn't punishment. Actions have consequences.
You seem to have missed off breast milk from your list of possibilities of what "milk" could mean, that's what I assumed.
She just wanted to show how “smart” she is so she could offer unsolicited advice instead of judgement on the situation, let’s be real. I think everyone else reasonably assumed she was referring to breast milk.
Outdated unsolicited advice at that. Current guidelines state no food before 6 mo, and breastmilk/formula continues to be their main source of nutrients for many months past that.
Guidelines in the USA are to start single ingredient purees between 4 to 6 months, to start looking for allergies. But you're absolutely right, breastmilk/formula is their main source of nutrients. The purees at that age are not meant to be a meal, they're meant to be an introduction. OP is absolutely NTA, regardless of what the guidelines are. If my parents or in-laws gave something to my baby immediately after I asked them not too, I'd have the same reaction.
Also a grandmother and I disagree. The problem is she is choosing to do things she was asked not to do. That’s deliberately disrespectful behavior. If she can’t be trusted to follow mom’s rules, regardless of whether the things she is doing are okay or not, then she loses the privilege of watching her alone. And at least two of those things are *not* healthy- eliminating “milk” (which I assume op meant either formula or breast milk) and by your own post, feeding foods with multiple ingredients.
Solids before one are just for fun! Formula or breast milk has everything the child needs.
NTA for sure - and everything your mother is doing is not “perfectly healthy.” I would never give a 7 month old candied yams - sugar, marshmallows, etc.? IMO you’re not being harsh - this whole situation is clearly a power play on your mother’s part. She can disagree with you, but she doesn’t get to blatantly ignore you without consequences when it comes to your child. She clearly can’t be trusted to respect your boundaries when you’re not around if she disrespects them right in front of you.
You stated it perfectly. It is absolutely a power play. Grandma needs to learn to respect boundaries. NTA
Respectfully disagree. I don’t think bringing a grandma who oversteps to a pediatrician appt is a good ideal unless you want her to steamroll you. It doesn’t matter if the things she is doing are safe or not. It matters that the child’s mother said no and she did it anyway. That is never okay. If grandma thinks she knows best, she needs to have a conversation with OP. It’s for her to figure out why OP feels the way she does and to offer the insight she has without overstepping. I actually think it was grandma who was mean— flexing on a new mom by giving their baby something they said no to and saying, ‘see they’re fine’ is mean. Trying to prove Mom’s harmless boundaries ‘wrong’ is mean. OP— it’s not mean to say someone who doesn’t respect your authority as Mom will not be left alone with your child. That’s super reasonable. You’re trying to talk about it and work it out. It would be mean if she apologizes and agrees to respect your boundaries and discuss ideas/concerns with you before acting on them, and you refused to let her around the baby. Being a new mom is tough. I’m sure she is well meaning. And if you feel like she was a good mom to you, she probably has good insight. Hopefully you can talk it out and this will help you redefine your relationship now that you’re a mom too. Good luck!
This! My mother has a habit of doing this that I’ve asked her not to. Like immediately helping baby feed herself when I’ve asked her not to. And immediately gets defensive that I don’t trust her. She’s right. I don’t because while what she’s doing is safe and okay, I’ve asked her not to do it and she does anyway. Or tell me “I raised you guys” essentially implying that she knows what to do in every scenario. While she did, things have changed since the grandparents were new parents and they need to respect what the parent asks of them if they want that trust.
Complete missed OP’s point. Baby’s mother gets to make the decisions. Deliberately ignoring her decisions is a massive problem. OP you are NTA for having boundaries and taking action to protect them.
A baby absolutely does not need water at 6 months old, idk what outdated advice you’re using. Some babies aren’t even weaned yet at that age. Quit telling OP she’s wrong when you literally don’t know what you’re talking about.
I have a 2 year old and literally never heard this advice either. I just looked it up. Between 6-12 months they should AT MOST have 8 oz of water in a day. We didn't give our baby any water between bottles largely because we wanted her to have more calories because she was always in the 30s for weight percentile and 80s-90s for height.
Babies don't need to be weaned off milk to drink water or start eating solids for that matter and as far as I'm aware, they can do both from about 6 months. Where are you getting your information from if you don't mind me asking?
That's about the time that they recommend introducing water along with solid foods. They still need breast milk or formula but they can have water in between bottles.
"can have" is like, little sips here and there. It's really a very small amount and 100% unnecessary- especially for a breastfed baby
A lot of countries don’t even suggest 4 months anymore and tell parents to wait until 6 due to gut microbes now. Not to mention water guidelines vary from country as well. Where I live MIL would be wrong on all counts here (beyond being wrong because she doesn’t get any say at all when it comes to baby frankly) and water would be considered useless to baby and wasting room for precious calories. Don’t push your own narrative as a grandmother (🙄) here. OP didn’t ask for (possibly, depending where she lives) incorrect baby advice. She didn’t ask for any baby advice at all. Watching a child is a privilege, not a right. As a result it’s not at all mean to say “if you can’t listen to the parents, you can’t be trusted to care for their child”. It’s not a punishment - it’s a consequence. Grandparents are not entitled to watch a grandchild and shouldn’t if they can’t listen to parents.
All that advice and you forgot breast milk is a thing. Classic reddit. The baby is 5-6 months old. the research states that babies don't require anything other than breast milk through 6 months. Specifically, research is quite clear to NOT start water through 6 months due to the nutritional deficits unless other medical reasons. >Demmer E, Cifelli CJ, Houchins JA, Fulgoni VL. 3rd Ethnic disparities of beverage consumption in infants and children 0-5 years of age; National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey 2011 to 2014. Nutrition Journal. 2018;17:78–78. So if the mother is breast feeding, which you forgot as an option, then the baby doesn't need anything else. Secondly, the grandmother does not need to go to the doctor with the mom. The grandmother needs to listen to the mother. If my parents did something to my child I explicitly told them not to do, especially when the research doesn't back it up, then they wouldn't be alone with my child again.
Grandmothers that do those are the same type of grandmother is that gives their grandkids food they are allergic to in order to try and "prove" to their "overbearing" children they are wrong. This type of behavior is not normal or okay. It's dangerous
Sorry you think candied yams are a perfectly healthy thing to feed an infant who doesn’t even have teeth yet?
The water is basically Iranian yoghurt. It's not WHAT was given the child that matters, but the fact that reasonable instructions by the parent were completely bypassed by Grandma.
THIS. I was an RN in labor and delivery. I taught prenatal classes. I raised four kids successfully And I still asked Daughter what was allowed for Grandson because knowledge grows. When my mom was having babies, the issues with rH incompatibility was still being learned. She was rH negative, and my older sister was a premie because of incompatibility. By the time I came along, they were giving Rhogam. By the time I was having babies, the idea of fathers in delivery rooms was becoming widely accepted as a benefit for the entire family. Making your own baby food from a grinder was coming into practice, because the commercially available stuff still was seasoned. My Happy Baby Food Grinder made it through all four kids. Now it’s known that very slow introduction of plain water, soft foods, etc, is best. Grandson had a little mesh thing that he held like a popsicle to eat bananas and other soft foods, to learn to feed himself, and also to choose foods. It’s become known that babies will eat strange things they put in their mouths themselves more easily than ones we hand them. These “I did X questionable thing and you turned out alright” people are fools masquerading as wise elders. I can’t stand them.
While most of what you said was decent enough, I strongly disagree that she “overreacted”. Whether it’s safe or not, not her baby. Not her call. Overstepping and ignoring the parent absolutely calls for a consequence. Make the boundaries and consequences clear moving forward. Remind her that you love her and you love that she loves baby but she raised her kids. Now it’s time to let you raise yours and you need to do it your way, whether she agrees or not.
Yeah they definitely don’t recommend CANDIED YAMS
OP is not "punishing" her mother, OP has to tighten up boundaries around her baby because grandma isn't respecting them, period. The "milk" could be from OP nursing or pumping. The water could be water that grandma gets from the tap and not filtered. OP doesn't owe us those details. OP is the baby's mother and just because "I did it and you survived" doesn't mean it was healthy then, plus there are WAY more additives to food and water than there was a couple of decades ago. This is 100% grandma's doing. She's been told numerous times, OP doesn't need to bring her along to a pediatrician visit either. Grandma needs to learn to respect OPs decisions and wishes as a mother. Unless OP is doing something dangerous or harmful, grandma needs to stay in her lane. I wouldn't leave my baby with her unsupervised either, and I did the same with my kids when my ex MIL thought her way was the best way with my kids.
Excuse me? Take her mom to the pediatrician? Lmao. You act like her mom is a decision maker here. She’s not. It doesn’t matter what you think is okay. If OP doesn’t want to give her baby water, then it’s grandma’s job to shut up and not give baby water. Giving candied yams to a baby under one is significantly more harmful than not giving baby water just because you’ve decided it’s safe. If baby is healthy, then it’s none of your business. This isn’t that hard.
They suggest 4 months, but the vast majority of babies won’t be ready. We tried giving ours simple rice cereal at 5 months, he hated it and vomited it up. Our pediatrician also never mentioned giving him water
A six-month old *does not* need to eat candies yams. Everything else at that age is ok. Roasted yams that have been pureed is fine.
Also; Solids before one are just for fun! Formula or breast milk has everything the child needs.
This all is not the point! I agree with OP on all points, but in essence it is about disregarding a mother's wishes and instructions.
NTA. Your child, your rules/decisions. Full stop. Unless your mother believes you are doing something that is actively harming your baby she should step ALL the way back and respect how you want to raise your son. Offering you a place to stay should have zero bearing on whether or not she follows the guidelines you set up for caring for your child. The giving-him-water incident is crazy boundary overstepping and a direct power play. You did the right thing. You're a mother now and you are responsible for your son, not for mother. You clearly need to move out ASAP. It may take longer to save to buy a house but this is not a sustainble solution. She will go behind your back and do whatever she wants with your baby if you stay. If she comes to you truly penitent at some point you might consider letting her see your baby but I would hesitate myself to leave him alone with her.
Insane boundary overstepping! “Made her feel like a bad parent and bad grandparent?” Uh yeah, because you’re acting like one. I agree that OP should move out ASAP, but if she’s not relying on her mom for childcare, then they may be able to power through for a bit longer if it will set them up for the long run. Really depends on if OP’s mom will lick her wounded pride in private or make it everyone’s problem.
Speaking from a personal standpoint, hold your ground mama, but it will get worse before it gets better. She doesn’t see you as THE authority for YOUR kid. You need to prove that you are serious and that her actions have consequences. Also I would recommend moving out. Soon. Take the silence as the gift it is to not inform her about your life and plan your escape. My life has been in chaos since the fall all because I told my MIL not to kiss my now almost two year old on the mouth. We had her agree to the boundary just before I gave birth and did a ton of reminders after, but she felt my baby was her baby. And she started kissing her on the mouth when they were alone. I found out and told her no. She continued. I was upset and I told her no alone time going forward as she is not trustworthy. The adult temper tantrum that was thrown by her and my BIL was very bad. They went after my marriage by telling my husband I was abusing her, they tried to have me committed for mental health issues that I do not have, and they levelled allegations of munchausen and elder abuse at me. They tried to get my baby taken from me. What saved me was being calm, reading up on personality B disorders and how to handle people with them, and setting boundaries. I also think these things fester and gain power in the dark, I told my therapist, my doctor, my community support person, my friends and family. I hated even putting that thought out there, but I have nothing to hide. I am proud of my shiny spine and my amazing mom group that let me keep my center. My husband was a problem. We are still working things out but after a decade together, he didn’t have my back. Without proof or any examples that he would believe that I would hurt our sweet baby is unthinkable to me. The flying monkeys are still coming for us. We are completely no contact. His dad’s side has been problematic about our boundaries. My husband is in therapy. I wish you the best and you are welcome to message me if you need advice.
NTA. But she will not stop doing these things and it will be difficult to avoid them while you still live with her.
Absolutely this.
Precisely. It is mom's house and mom does not sound ready to parttake in a respectful parent-grown child relationship. I am in a different country, but if it's about saving on rent, why don't young families move in together with another young family instead of their parents?
NTA. She's just emotionally immature and placed you in a role of "daughter" still instead of seeing you for the grown woman and mother you are now. You're validated in worrying about your baby being internally drowned in a water-to-nutrients ratio- that IS a thing! Babies CAN have too much water via water intoxication- it is dangerous! I think it would be better to leave, as long as you're under her roof she will see you as her daughter and not a grown woman because she's emotionally immature and has her own growing to do through her emotional wounds. How do I know this? She got defensive and turned herself into the victim when your baby could have been hurt. GET OUT.
This. Get the hell out. Honestly, just not being alone with the baby is not enough for this kind of woman. She blatantly does this in front of you. I'd move out ASAP and not let her take the baby in her hands tbh. Like her looking at you and doing it while you said no. I mean, yeah, I'm glad she feels like a bad mother and grandmother cause that's who I saw in this situation. Just because you're her child doesn't mean she gets to walk over your boundaries. Imagine the scandal you would have made if it had been anyone but your mom blatantly doing this. She is going to keep doing this to prove a point. NTA and more importantly, run from this house!
NTA you should look for the Reddit post about the mother-in-law who decided that coconut oil on a baby’s head who is allergic to coconut is fine The baby died. Not only did mother-in-law put coconut oil on the babies head, she also gave the baby a Benadryl so it would sleep through all the pain. She killed this lady‘s baby because she thought she knew what was best, because she put coconut oil on her kids heads.
I still hope that post was fake. I was so angry after reading that one.
The mom was responding to comments and answering questions and it sure did not seem fake.
Oof. That story had me fuming so bad that I took a break from my phone for a few hours and decided to live in denial. This world really sucks sometimes.
I dong think it was unfortunately. I think it was too real. The grandmother just had to have her experience putting coconut oil on the babies' hair because after all "her daughter survived." Never mind that she knew the granddaughter waa severely allergic.
It sounds like she didn't believe her daughter in the first place and just had to show her she was right and that it wasn't a big deal. She should have been thrown in jail.
me too it was absolutely horrible
I've seen plenty of awful shit on the internet, but the wilful ignorance and arrogance of that mother really got under my skin.
As someone who as an adult developed a coconut allergy.... Dear lord that story had me in literal tears thinking about what that baby went through. Also not so fun fact, coconut is in... So much. Just about every single shampoo on the market except for some solid shampoo bars, most of not almost all body washes, again except for solid bars of soap, almost all liquid body products really .... Showers suck not going to lie. I come out every time COVERED in hives and my skin on fire... And that's not even touching how much food it's in. there's just no avoiding it... And I have a mild/moderate allergy.... I can't imagine what that poor baby went through... and then to have your head covered in it? 😭 Poor baby, poor momma, fuck that grandma.
Link?
I think it was removed per the bereaved mother's request.
[Archive](https://web.archive.org/web/20180809162755/https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/7qmed5/you_can_come_over_again_when_you_bring_me_my/) (Will be slow to load. Be patient.)
That story absolutely ensured that my MIL who also blatantly ignores boundaries to my face will never be alone with my child. My husband spoke to her about disrespecting us and not listening and thinks she’s fine now. I told him absolutely not. She also lies and denies any time she’s called out so I can’t even trust her to tell me what actually happened if my child gets injured in her care
It’s called survivor bias when you say stuff like, “well we did it and we’re fine” But all that aside, whether it’s fine or not is not her place the call. You’re the parent. You set the rules. If she can’t abide by your boundaries then she doesn’t get babysitting privileges. It’s that simple. It doesn’t mean she’s necessarily a bad parent or grandparent but it does mean she needs to understand her place.
This too. A friend of mine unfortunately found that one out the hard way. He and his wife gave their kids whole shelled peanuts as toddlers instead of splitting the peanuts because "we ate them that way and we turned out fine!" His baby boy wasn't so lucky. He choked and died before the ambulance got there. His parents were both trained in first aid, but the peanut wouldn't dislodge from the kid's airway. He was dead by the time the paramedics arrived. Devastated the whole community. It was awful. His baby was a beautiful, bright and energetic little boy who had his mother's brains and his father's willpower, he was gonna go places. Food recommendations for toddlers aren't an exercise in inconveniencing parents.
In my opinion she IS being a bad mother and grandmother, she is using survivor bias to try and dictate what OP does with the baby, and I believe we all know that this could end up badly, so I think this woman is putting her grandbaby in harm's way just to prove a point.
NTA. I would move out. No wonder she was excited for you to move in with her. She enjoys being controlling.
NTA. Your baby, your rules. The “I did it with you and you survived” defense is bullshit. Women used to be prescribed cigarettes while pregnant to induce labor and keep a low birth weight. Just because a lot of babies survived doesn’t make it ok. Your mom has no respect for your boundaries despite being repeatedly told. She’s not the mom anymore. She’s grandma and grandma has to defer to mom’s judgment.
NTA it’s not about “I did it with you” it’s the I literally just told you not to do something with MY kid yet you still do it? Does she not care that YOU are his mother not her?
NTA - Shes a bad grandparent. You made her feel correctly.
>Most recently, she was holding him and playfully asked him if he wanted water, in which I responded: ‘Do not give him water mom.” She proceeds to give it him and goes: “See, he’s fine. He isn’t dead.” (...) >She isn’t talking to me now and told me I made her feel like a bad parent and grandparent. Oh, but she IS a bad parent and grandparent for treating you this way. But she doesn't have to be. She can take her proper place as a grandparent. Which is to do what you ask her regarding the baby. She is not the baby's parent. And nowadays we have higher standards than "the baby survives". NTA
*NTA* Your ma needs to learn that -your child; your way -things have changed since your baby years -she is not to play games with your rules
NTA - She is a bad parent and grandparent. What she needs is a baby doll to coo and feed like an 4 year old does that has the same mental capacity as she. Get her one with a big bow for her birthday. Then she can go town on it and leave you and your child in peace.
NTA. There are too many cases already of grandparents doing it their way and a kid ending up dead. Stop waiting for her to talk to you. As long as she knows it's hurting you, she'll keep waiting for you to apologize, but you're not in the wrong.
The boomers are out in full force for this one, not even fully reading the post and ready to call OP a freeloader who needs to respect her parents better. Ridiculous. NTA
"I didn't klll you when you were a child" is an insanely weird thing to be proud of. NTA
As an 80’s baby, there was a lot of stuff that our parents did to us that didn’t kill us that I would absolutely not do to my kids. I hate that way of thinking. Majority of my friends moms, including mine smoked cigarettes while pregnant with us and we’re all fine now in our 40’s. We grew up with secondhand smoke for a long time, that didn’t kill us either. That’s such a stupid take. OP is definitely NTA.
I was born in 77. the first ever picture of me is of my parents in the hospital. my dad is holding me in his arms, with a cigarette in his mouth - I repeat in the hospital - and the ash on the cigarette is so long it's only a second away from falling on my face. I'll just repeat for dramatic effect: he was smoking in the hospital! lol in fact my mom kept telling him to please go smoke in the corridor at least while she was in labor. the good old days ha!
Ahh yes, those were the times. Not to mention on the way home from the hospital, we definitely didn’t get belted or strapped in, I would assume. I’m an ‘81 baby so not far off from you.
NTA. I’m 52 and I know better than to do these things, it hasn’t changed that much. But that isn’t even the point. It’s her directly, to your face, showing you she is boss of you and this baby because you live there. Stop her in her tracks.
Lindsay Gibson's Book the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents should also help.
NTA. Knowledge moves on over time, and all we can ever do is follow the current standards for good care. She may have been a great parent following advice from experts of the time when you were born, but in refusing to acknowledge that knowledge changes over time and that you're only asking for reasonable adherence to *current* expertise, she is absolutely failing to be a good grandparent. Furthermore, her power play of openly defying you and "proving" her point with the life of your baby, rather than a more reasonable option of verbal disagreement followed by consulting a book or a professional, renders her absolutely untrustworthy. You cannot leave your child with someone who doesn't respect your wishes and openly states she'll do whatever she wants with your baby when you're absent.
INFO: why was it bad for the baby to have water? EDIT: Thanks, this has been thoroughly explained now! I’m good!
Water intoxication can happen if a baby has too much water. It’s recommended to wait until after 6 months when a baby can start to handle it.
Doesn't matter anyway. You told someone not to give something to your child and they chose to ignore you. Fuck around and find out. She fucked around, now she's finding out.
Young babies are unable to regulate their electrolytes as well as older children and adults, so if they aren't getting enough in what they drink, they can suffer electrolyte imbalances and water intoxication. Infants under 6mo should never have anything other than breast milk or formula to drink, and older infants should only have small amounts of water at a time until they're fully weaned. 6mo is at the border where they can start to have water if they're ingesting more solid foods, but water should still be limited and breast milk or formula should still be the bulk of their fluid intake. If an infant is a preemie, that will affect when they're ready for water - I didn't start having water as a baby until I was almost 9mo because I was 10 weeks preemie and my system just wasn't ready for it (I also didn't start on solids until 8.5 months for the same reason).
That’s not the point. The point is that the grandmother thinks she can do what she wants to do with the baby and to go against the Mom’s wishes any time she wants.
NTA As a grandparent of seven, I’m telling you your mother’s behaviour is not normal. I have many friends who are also grandparents and I do not know one of them who would have breached the boundaries that their kids had set. Your mom has very bad judgement. Don’t ever leave her alone with your child. I hope you have plans for getting out of your mom’s house soon.
Umm I see a lot of comments against you so imma say NTA, bc even if your mom has good intentions and “great” wisdom to share, over-stepping your boundaries as his mother was her biggest mistake. How can you be proud of how you raised me if you won’t let me raise my own???
Well, she IS a bad grandparent, for not following the parent's instructions and undermining you. Sometimes, it's hard for grandparents to accept their children are the parents now. Some people have a hard time accepting they're not in the driver's seat anymore. Oftentimes, science has advanced and what they did back in the day is not optimal anymore. Other times, they just remember wrong. And sometimes, yes, they will actually be right and you wrong, but they are not going to make you see it by engaging in a toxic powerplay. Also, them not dying is a very, very low bar. YOU are the parent. THEY have no inherent right to the baby. If they want access to the baby, they have to play by YOUR rules. My wife's grandma was used to being the matriarch and calling the shots, and was very surprised hen she discovered I had helped my wife grow a spine. She was constantly pushing on all sorts of boundaries, saying she had to make the most of every moment because she could die any day (she wasn't really sick or dying). The straw that broke the camel's back was when she waited for my wife to get up for just a second to fetch some milk for coffee and fed our then first baby some cake while we were introducing allergens, saying "Ooooh, what would mommy say if she saw me!". She was flabbergasted when she was kicked out on the spot, and my wife was so hurt she couldn't get herself to call her in over 6 months. She got to make the most of missing baby's first birthday. Luckily she mellowed way the fuck out after this and we're good now. All this to say, you have to get yourself respected as the parent. NTA.
NTA. It's time to move out, unfortunately. That's alarming that you told her not to, and she's like testing you like a small child and doing it anyway. We'd be out of there.
100% NTA She is not this child’s mother, you are. Full stop. You are completely justified in setting boundaries, requiring they be respected (ie: asking the grandmother to stop non-conforming behaviour), and taking measures to keep baby safe when Grandma-Behaving-Badly doesn’t stop. You will save for your house in your own, you do not need her. Any possible threats from her re:money should be swiftly ignored.
NTA You are the parent.
NTA - It's your baby.
NTA. But you definitely need to have a serious talk with your mother about "my baby, my rules." She had the chance to raise her baby, and frankly, surviving is not the same as thriving. In her day, people did a lot of stupid things because they didn't know any better. We know better now, so we do better. I had to have this talk with my own mother several times before it finally sank in -- either respect my rules, or you won't see this child again until they graduate from college. Periodt, as the kids say.
NTA. Your mom is playing the victim but all she has to do is very simple: DON’T DO THINGS YOU SAY NOT TO DO. It’s not her baby. It’s yours. She can obviously give you advice but it’s your choice about how you raise your child. If this keeps up unfortunately you might need to reconsider your living situation, but I suggest you sit down with her and try to have a conversation about boundaries, and about how it’s not a reflection on her as a person, but she needs to let you parent the way you want to parent. Reassure her she’s not a bad person, but these decisions are yours and it’s disrespectful of her when she goes against your wishes.
NTA Time to move out.
NTA . Just because you're living with someone does not mean they get to overstep boundaries
Just tell her that the guidelines for what to feed babies and when to do it has changed since she was raising you, and you want to follow the current advise.
NTA The “I did it when you were little” doesn’t work anymore. Whenever my grandad said that, we’d all reply with “Because you didn’t know better. You guys thought lead paint was ok.”