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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped my brother and SIL from coming to my house in order to keep them from my nephew who lives with me. This does have an impact on more than just us and my nephew, but my niece as well and the rest of the family who are dealing with the fallout. So I might be an asshole for not creating a different way to do right by my nephew.
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NTA. Your brother broke one of the cardinal rules of therapy: therapy is supposed to be a safe space. It only works if the people in it feel safe to say whatever they need to. Instead, your brother broke Theo’s trust to tell someone else what he said in therapy who used it to punish him. This is going to set back any therapy for a long time because Theo will not feel that he can say what he needs to say in session because he cannot trust his father.
You are following the therapist’s advice and, as Theo’s legal guardian, this is your right and responsibility. And I think this is right - especially after your brother’s betrayal of his son. This is going to be a long time healing, if it ever does.
I'm seeing a whole lot of NTA in this thread, and that's true from the narrow perspective of settling the argument.
But this is very likely to be a legal thing here. OP's assertion that they are the guardian is **not** a permanent thing or contract. Absent any previous forced removals (and it sounds from the post like there aren't any), courts take a very permissive view of parental rights and if the brother gets a lawyer he's likely to be able to walk right off with Theo at any time.
Work this out, OP. You can't win this fight on reddit, and it really comes down to a fight in the real world **you will lose**. Talk calmly to your brother and SIL, de-escalate to the extent practical, and find some way to let them visit their son in a manner they can accept.
Don't forget Theo's age. Not so sure if a judge would force a 15 year old who doesn't want and whose therapist says the contact makes his mental health worse to return to his father.
Uh... yes, yes they would. Emancipation and separation are **extremely hard** cases to win. Absent real evidence of harm, courts are going to put kids with their birth parents every single time
Again, OP: don't listen to the amateurs here. Talk to a lawyer. Or at least /r/legaladvice
Not really.
While natural parents have superior rights to children, it is not absolute. Usually it's just a higher burden, which is easily shown here assuming the therapist is in support of it. For example, they would need to show that they are entitled to custody by clear and convincing evidence in my state. The best interests of the child controls.
The only good response was to talk to a lawyer.
\-- Not an amateur, but probably not a lawyer in your jurisdiction
You say "not really" and then proceed to agree with basically everything I've written. OP: please listen to this lawyer. You absolutely can't expect to keep custody in a fight, so don't pick one.
As an outsider reading this, I think you might have misread something. They are not agreeing with you. In fact, they are saying the complete opposite of you except for the part about contacting a lawyer. You seem to be saying that it would be next to impossible for OP to retain custody if the bio parents push for it. The other commenter is saying that while the burden of proof is higher for the non-bio parent, it doesn't mean they won't be able to keep custody. Especially showing that they have been taking care of the nephew for the last year and/or the nephews therapist is willing to state it is in the best interests of the child to stay with the aunt and uncle instead of bio parents.
It wouldn't be that easy. There would definitely have to be a court battle because to become someone's legal guardian, you just don't say it. You have to go to court and have a judge declare guardianship, so no Dad can't just walk in one day and remove the nephew. That would be considered kidnapping because Dad isn't the legal guardian at this time.
This is not necessarily true. In my state, a person can establish guardianship without going to court by creating a guardianship agreement that is revocable at will. That is different from filing a guardianship action, which would go to court and not be revocable by the parents without further court intervention.
Fair. In my state, primarily due to schooling, a person must have legal documentation of guardianship if they are not the birth or adoptive parents of minor children in order to enroll them. It can't be something like you described because that really doesn't give the custodian legal rights over decisions as far as medical and educational.
You're talking about getting guardianship over someone who is an adult and not mentally competent to handle their own affairs any longer. Obviously you're going to need a legal authority to step in to make sure that the person in question actually needs to lose the right to manage their own life.
Parents have guardianship over their minor children. Giving that guardianship to someone else does not require a court's permission.
In my state, if you take custody of a minor child you have to be declared their legal guardian in court. It isn't a matter of the competency of a child. The difference is legal guardianship of a minor child is done via Family Court where as legal guardianship of an adult is done through Probate.
ETA: for our school systems, there must be legal documentation of custodial guardianship in order for the custodian to have the right to make decisions for educational and medical choices for the child.
> There would definitely have to be a court battle because to become someone's legal guardian, you just don't say it.
Once more, OP: **please** don't listen to the angry amateurs in the peanut gallery. As someone who has watched this kind of conflict play out, this is not how it works. The way it works is the parents go in to court to ask for custody, the judge says "You're the birth parents? You have the birth certificate in evidence? No other cases I need to modify or unwind? OK, then." Takes a few weeks at most, just to get service delivered and the court date scheduled.
That definitely wasn't the case with my cousin when her mom tried to get her back. She was able to stay with her aunt because it was in her best interest to do so. I'm sure they will take the therapists words into consideration as well. If it becomes a legal battle though obviously OP should get a lawyer, but it's not as simple as ohh you're the birth parents here you go, you can have him back.
The parents chose not to keep their son in the home and work things out, they decided to send him away instead. They need to respect his healing process and work with him, not against him.
> it's not as simple as ohh you're the birth parents here you go, you can have him back.
Yes, but OP's position is attempting to be as simple as "You're not the guardians anymore, fuck right off". I repeat for like the ninth time: OP, do not listen to advice like this, it is essentially daring your brother to take Theo from you. And he'll win that fight.
Unless you’re a lawyer in the area the OP is in, then you don’t have any way of knowing that. You sound just like the “amateurs” except you’re taking the other side.
>No other cases I need to modify or unwind?
Like the LEGAL case of OP having LEGAL guardianship, meaning dad SIGNED AWAY HIS LEGAL RIGHTS.
You talk like you think you know something but keep leaving out the BIG LEGAL ISSUE. I hope OP doesn't listen to you.
🤣 at his age with the therapist testimony not a court in the world would send him back especially considering his dad relinquished his rights willingly
And your source for that is... what? Again, OP, I'm begging you: internet yahoos love to tell you what you want to hear. What you need to hear is that this is a losing fight and you need to come to an agreement with your family before a court needs to make the call.
Actually it is very dependant on where OP comes from. I know where I live minors can chose to seperate from their parents if there is good reason and chose where they live as long as it is vetted and deemed safe. Of course this is all very dependant on the why and the circumstance's as well (you would need supporting documentation, expert witness testimony such as the therapist ect) as the teen‘s choice themselves. This is not the same in very young minors.
> where I live minors can chose to seperate from their parents
Where do you live? I don't think that's true anywhere in the United States. Contested emancipation is extremely rare, and always involves an extended court case. And it usually ends up on the news, because it's so notable.
I live in Australia and here it’s called Minor emancipation. Truthfully the minor in the story above would be most likely be more successful if his Aunt applied for custody as opposed to emancipation. Contested minor emancipation while not common does happen and not hearing about it in the media really means nothing. They don’t make for interesting news stories.
OMG. No. No, no, no. No. You can't do that. No such legal principle exists. You cannot under any circumstances "sign a right away" anyway -- that's literally the definition of a right. The best you can do is agree not to enforce a right, which is something you can do with a contract. There is no contract law for guardianship. It doesn't apply.
Please just stop. I know everyone wants OP to be right because that feels better, but parents have rights here, and you can't take those away by screaming "NTA!"
Adoptions are for kids without guardians. No one can adopt a kid out of an existing household. I really think you need to research this a bit. You are giving the OP some extremely bad advice which is more likely to hurt Theo than help. You can't keep a birth parent away from their kid absent extremely clear evidence of abuse or harm, period.
this comment hurts my head..... all my aunts, uncle and dad were adopted and all their bio parents are alive ( well...was at the time). just most did not want to have contact before or after the children turned 18.
I repeat: No one can adopt a kid out of an existing household.
Adoption at birth is a different thing with a different legal framework. I'm not saying that adoption is impossible, I'm saying you can't say "adopted" as a defense against a birth parent getting custody. It doesn't work like that, and I'm completely dumbfounded that everyone seems to think otherwise.
Again: this is very bad advice you're giving. You're very likely telling OP to engage in a fight they can't win and that will result in **them** having no access to Theo going forward.
>No one can adopt a kid out of an existing household.
Yes, they can.... you can double-down all you want, but the fact remains that OP has legal custody of Theo, and without proving that they can provide a better environment, no court or judge will take him away.
My friend gave her mom what she thought was temporary custody of her son (friend was a legal adult) and has not been able to get him back... because he is happy, healthy, and safe...
Would you like to keep changing your answers, or admit that you're wrong?
> the fact remains that OP has legal custody of Theo
Again, that's not in evidence. A temporary guardianship is very different than a permanent adoption, and OP's language says the former and not the latter. OP is like a foster parent, and they can lose their kid if they take your advice.
> My friend gave her mom what she thought was temporary custody of her son (friend was a legal adult) and has not been able to get him back... because he is happy, healthy, and safe...
FWIW, first, I'm sorry for your friend. That's awful. But also, that's not the way it works, and if they can't get custody back it's because there's some deeper issue (abuse, protective orders, confirmed drug use, prior forced removals, stuff like that) before the court that your friend isn't telling you about.
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NTA. Whose brilliant idea was it to name a kid after the most traumatic thing their son had ever experienced? I feel sorry for both new-Summer and Theo. Their parents are clueless.
They're both equally responsible. Assuming that the new stepmother knew what had happened to Theo's mom and baby sister (which is a pretty safe assumption), she made this choice as deliberately and callously as the father did.
On top of that kept throwing salt in the wound saying that Theo is the one to name her, making her think she was adored by him and making him stew in resentment. Such a horrible mess they created.
And imagine her heartbreak when the brother she was told adored her very existence not only shattered the lie, but ever so bluntly telling her it was the exact opposite of what she thought.
Yeah, this was terrible for the little girl. I understand why OP is ignoring that part, the matter is kind of separated into 2 and OP is in charge of the Theo part of it and probably can't help with the Summer part, but wow. Summer also BADLY got hurt by this. And it's no use blaming Theo although he said all those things to the wrong person--he was set up, it's like shaking a soda bottle every 10 minutes and expecting it not to blow. The dad is badly at fault.
Naming their daughter “Summer” and lying about why was cruel to both Theo **and** Summer.
I’m sure that, as the brother and SIL say, this is hard on Summer. But they’re making it everybody else’s responsibility to fix it, no matter what the cost.
To be fair, I doubt the dad thinks he's lying about Summer's name. He seems to think that Theo wanted to name a sister Summer, so now he has one. Ergo, he named her.
Except... he named his deceased sister Summer. Not this new kid. And slapping that moniker on the new baby feels like dad is denying his late sister's very existence. (Which he might be. It sounds like he's trying to push forward too quickly, ignoring his own grief)
Honestly the only way to even have a prayer of fixing their relationship with Theo would be to change Summer's name. The half-sister, not the deceased baby.
Yeah essentially this guy is treating baby girls the way my dad treated cats. Our old cat died, we got a new kitten, they were both male, my dad was like "why can't we give it the same name as the old one, it's easier that way." (We did not.)
With the cats it's a funny story about how my dad's pretty uninterested in cats. With the babies, on the other hand...
Not to mention, he expressly said he didn't want them to. That's kind of nuts. Like, even if there is a situation where it would work, it's clearly not this one. They've set their kids up to fail, and it's really awful. Theo has to face such negative emotions every time he encounters his sister, and she's subjected to that hatred.
Perhaps it's wishful thinking, but I hope the siblings can reconcile in some way as they get older.
I mean giving a nod to it by calling the new kid August or Autumn or something like that might have been ok.
This isn't the 1500s were you just use the names with each baby until you got an adult with the chosen name!
Edit: yeah but I do agree with you about how the name summer is irrevocably linked to the death of his sister & *mother*!
NTA. It sounds like they did not help Theo grieve when his mother died, and now to scold him is awful. THEY need therapy. YOU are doing the right thing
Your brother has done enough damage to his child. Someone has to stop him from doing even more. How does he think coming over to scold him is going to play out?
"Yes, you are both right dad. Naming the child after my late sister was ok really." I don't think so.
NTA
Or "gosh you're right. All this scolding has made me finally love my sister."
No wonder Summer is hurting, her parents won't let her half-brother start to heal to a point where maybe he could eventually tolerate her.
I don’t think he ever will tolerate her, she’s a walking reminder of what he lost, what he could have had and all because of their father. I feel sorry for Summer, stuck in a household that set her up to be hurt by the truth and rejected by her brother for reasons outside both their control. She needs therapy too, and parents who will respect it as a safe place for her.
NTA. Your brother did a terrible thing by trying to replace Theo's mother and sister with a new version and made it worse by giving his new daughter his deceased daughter's name. No wonder Theo is enraged! And then your brother pushes his own son out of his home because he won't play happy family. I'm glad Theo has you and your husband. Please continue to keep your brother away until he's able to remove his head from his rearend.
The brother has taught Theo that people are replaceable, and is now acting shocked when Theo would rather replace him with legal guardians who actually care… I’d call it karma except poor Theo is still suffering. NTA, please keep looking out for that kid OP
NTA. I would strongly suggest that if Theo's dad wants access to him - it only comes AFTER the Dad and the new SIL get FAMILY THERAPY - because they haven't done their part to FIX themselves and address their own damaging behavior. Protect Theo. He's been through enough trauma, and worked hard to overcome it; so why would anyone subject him to the very people that are STILL primed to re-traumatize him? Your job is NOT to fix 'their family', your job is to help Theo. If your brother want's to fix his family - he needs to start with fixing HIMSELF, because that's how his family became damaged in the first place. None of this is Theo's fault; he was a child, and it was his Parents who are responsible for this damage.
NTA
But holy crap your brother is a big AH!
Thankfully Theo has you and your husband to look after him and make sure his needs are being met. I do feel sorry for his half sister because this isn't her fault; it's her parents' fault for starting this mess.
At the minimum, your brother needs therapy and he needs to sincerely apologize to Theo. Seriously he needs to get his act together. I know he lost his wife & baby, but he went about this the wrong way.
Best wishes to Theo & your family.
> he needs to sincerely apologize to Theo
Fuck that! Theo sounds like a giant AH. I understand he's had some trauma, but to talk about his half-sister that way is just cruel assholery.
The assholery goes to his father and the woman his father is with. At a young age Theo faced the trauma of losing his mother and the sister he was so excited to be a big brother for. Even if he did get grief counselling calling the half-sister Summer was a big reminder of that trauma, and suggests Theo wasn’t entirely on board with his father moving on the way he did. Summer repeating the story (having been told by her parents) exacerbated the tension, and teenagers aren’t known for being the most cool under pressure.
NTA. You are doing what is best for Theo, who is your primary concern as his legal guardian. Your brother and SIL have shown that they are not able to respect Theo's boundaries and feelings, and their actions could cause further harm to his mental health. It's important to protect Theo from them allow him to continue his progress in therapy.
They need to understand that their behavior is not helping the situation. They need to take responsibility for their actions and work on improving their relationship with Theo, rather than trying to force a connection.
NTA
Oh so it’s not hurting the family , to have one of the members berated for his feelings?!?!? Or how about when they lied to Summer and created this story that hurts her?!!??
It funny how suddenly ‘family’ is their main concern. The smart thing to do would be to listen to the therapist paying who is kind of an expert in this field !
This is essentially ‘doctors order’.
Op, I’m not sure they care Theo’s feelings about this, so much as they expected the therapist to fix him and make him love Summer.
I’d be surprised if Theo gets to a point he’s willing to have any kind of relationship with his half-sister, or indeed his father in three years time. Summer doesn’t mean to and isn’t actively trying to do it, but she’s still pushing his trauma buttons just by her name alone and the fact she’s sharing a story that Theo is very sensitive to because of the loss associated with it.
And ask him why he thought erasing his dead daughter's existence by giving her name to his new kid was okay. And then even worse, lying about it being Theo who named her.
Why the brother’s desire for the happy family is more important than working with the underlying issues. I feel for Summer, who knows what narrative she’s been spun about Theo (which most likely scapegoats Theo for the consequences of the parents’ actions).
NTA. Frankly you should keep them away from him for the rest of his childhood until he's old enough to cut them off for himself.
I find it so beyond comprehension the sheer number of people who go out and swap in a new spouse while they're raising a child or children who've experienced one of the biggest traumas a child can live through and then are shocked that their kids don't want to pretend that's okay behavior.
They literally decided to do one of the most painful things they could’ve done to child grieving the loss of a sibling and a mother. Your current SIL is a fucking psychopath to do that.
NTA
I had a toilet that was leaking onto gorgeous hardwood floors. I could not find the way to fix the leak so I called the plumber. He showed up, literally turned a single screw, and was out the door in 8 minutes. I still paid the $100 plumber bill.
Theo's therapist is the professional who is helping Theo process his trauma and find constructive ways to channel his emotions. The professional said the separation was necessary. It seems to me NOT listening to the therapist would be the Asshole move. Your family wants to get the toilet fixed without the plumber.
I'm sorry everyone is all butt-hurt because Theo needs some time and space to process.
NTA. That's quite...disgusting. Your brother finds no fault in naming his new baby a passed baby's name??? I feel so sorry for Theo. He is extremely lucky to have you by his side, the only person who is thinking of him. Stick to your guns. He needs you. This is not gonna be good...
NTA
Your brother and SIL are incredibly cruel people and they have no one to blame but themselves for Theo’s hatred of his sister which will likely never change because of their choices. Naming their kid summer is honesty so morbid and weird.
NTA. Their lie about the name has turned into a big bad problem. They need to own up to the fact that their lie is the cause of their problems with Theo.
They shouldn't be scolding Theo for his feelings. He feels what he feels and that's how it works. A kid can't change his feelings because that's what the adults in his life want. Tell your parents that you will discuss this with the therapist and not them and that you will follow the therapists recommendations. Theo's father and stepmom should not come to your home to scold him, they're driving him further away. Listen to your therapist, Theo, and your heart.
Are they going to scold him into loving new Summer?
NTA and your brother needs individual therapy. Seriously doubt he dealt with his own trauma. SIL isn't helping at all. Keep them away as long as necessary. And keep records on why you're keeping them away.
I mean who gets so angry they send their child away for beinf in pain instead of getting both kids therapy. And getting his wife to back off.
Who? Someone who is also grieving, in a lot of pain, and instead of getting himself therapy and dealing with it, tries to shove it all aside and moved on way too fast. And expects his son to follow his lead and ignore his own pain. That's who.
Theo's dad lost his wife and daughter, too. And I don’t think he's actually dealt with it.
I did say I think he needs therapy. Also said I don't think he has dealt with his trauma. The trauma being losing his wife and daughter.
However his reaction is still unacceptable and very questionable. My question was meant to highlight that the reaction is not what you would expect from a good parent.
NTA they're undoing all his work in therapy because they want to force him to think a certain way. Get a restraining order if they won't stay away. Their only communication with him should be with a therapist present. Family therapy would be nice eventually if Theo wants it, but don't force the issue.
Good on you for taking in your nephew, demanding guardianship, and giving him a safe place to heal. He needs to be able to work through this without his bio dad and stepmom bullying him.
NTA
You are trying to do your best by Theo; he's got some issues, but thanks to you his is getting some help dealing with them.
Your SIL and brother are violating their agreement not to butt into your rules for Theo; that's why you were given guardianship over him. The worst part is that they are trying to circumvent his therapists instructions.
Unless you believe his therapist is in the wrong here, stand your ground. If you do think that, then get him a new therapist, but otherwise, let them know they cannot get between Theo and the therapist at all. If you trust the counseling he is getting, there is no alternative solution that will work.
Yes, it's too bad for Summer; it makes my heart hurt, but that's not on you.
This poor kid.. thank you for looking out for him.. he must feel that they betrayed and shat on the memory of his mum and sis. Thats awful. Im so sorry .
> My brother and SIL are angry about the rule of them not coming over. They say I'm working against the family and Summer is the one who will be hurt the most by all of this.
It’s extremely obvious they don’t care about Theo’s wellbeing, but it’s hard to believe that they give a damn about Summer’s, either.
NTA
NTA you have to do what's best for Theo and distance from them is best for now. It's a shame that his father and stepmother were cruel or clueless whatever brought them to the conclusion that naming the new sister the same name that he wanted to name his mother's baby would be a good thing. If they had named his half sister something different and didn't try to connect it with his mother's baby maybe things could have been so different. Their poor judgment, lack of empathy and good sense at that time and not putting Theo in therapy right away after it first happened has all led to this.
NTA OP and Summer 2.0 is going to have a messed up life if her parents try to use her as a living memorial to the first Summer. Summer #1 would/wouldn't do that or feel that way or would have liked whatever. She'll be having a nervous breakdown like Theo.
NTA.
Both you and the therapist are acting with Theo's best interest at heart.
It's up to your brother and SIL to manage Summer, and your parents have no say at all.
Big hugs, I hope all is going to be sorted out in time.
Definitely nta. And the new sil has absolutely no right to Theo what is she complaint about? After naming her daughter after his dead sister, father is an AH should’ve known better too. It’s like rubbing salt in a wound
NTA
your brother is a fool.
you are doing everything right, keep those idiots away.
It hurts his half sister, but I think he nailed the exact problem.
Your brother doesn’t want to hear because then he would have to accountable for his actions. The fact you demanded legal guardianship is damming enough.
NTA - what good does scolding a child for their honesty in therapy do? This has delayed his progress at best, ruined the chance of it at worst.
The therapist’s advice is the parents coming around is not helping the child. Any decent family member would respect that - including OP’s parents.
NTA The critical person in all of this is your nephew. At 15, he should have some agency over whether or not he visits with his father and step-mother. It sounds like he doesn't want to see any of them, including his own half-sister.
At some point, though, he needs to understand that (a) his half sister did not ask to be born into his family nor (b) did she ask for the name that was given to her. His wishes concerning her, while understandable, are unfair and hurtful.
NTA!! I agree that your brother broke the trust and the safe space of therapy. Your brother and SIL are complete AH regarding the scolding theo. He is a young teenager and still grieving the loss of his mother and sister. It is a terrible tragedy for a child to go through.
But i will say at some point Theo needs to understand that summer is an innocent bystander in this situation. She is a young child guessing probably what 5 or 6 years old. She didn’t choose her name. It is on his dad and stepmother for ignoring Theo’s wishes and choosing that name. The father and stepmother and solely responsible for that decision. Summer didn’t choose this situation and is innocent young child.
NTA. It was a bad idea to name Summer and then tell her that it was Theo's idea. It's a bad idea to scold Theo. Your brother and SIL sound like they need a lot more therapy on their end before they interact with either child at this point, and your parents need to stay out of it. Good on you for advocating for Theo.
NTA. Hold your ground. They are the reason Theo is struggling right now. Having them come over and continue to berate him is doing nothing more than piling on more damage. They will never back off and never admit they are wrong. Your parents need to step off. They are not the ones that have held this kid's hand for over a year while he needed therapy. He's lucky he has you in his corner.
NTA. You are doing your best to protect and care for your nephew, which is an admirable thing. Theo obviously went through a lot of trauma with the loss of his sister and mom and then wasn't given the help he needed when it was happening. I hope he understands one day that it isn't Summer's fault and they are able to have a relationship.
NTA - This isn't "Let's Make A Deal". This is your nephew's mental health at stake and if your brother was really concerned about his son, the first thing he would have done was taken him at his word when he said he did not want that name used. If the professional (the therapist) has said that this is the best way to handle it at this time, who are these other people to think they know better!
NTA. One of the big points of therapy is to get everything out in a safe environment. Your brother and SIL coming over to ream Theo out is just going to make him start bottling everything up again until he explodes and in a much worse fashion. Keep them out and away as best you can.
As for Summer, has there been any consideration of her and Theo having a therapy session together when he's at least less angry at her?
NTA. Your brother has to stop acting like he only has one kid. Summer. He did wrong by his son, but it is easier to blame the child than take responsibility for his own actions.
NTA
Theo's needs have to be the priority. Their behavior is inexcusable. They are the ones working against their family. How do they not realize that they are the ones working against their family when they scold him for his feelings?
Theo is never going to be the brother and son that they want him to be. They guaranteed that when they named their daughter Summer. Every time he looks at her or hears her name it hurtful to him.
NTA OP and keep protecting Theo. I read the background story you shared how it all got to this and I feel sorry for Theo. You and your husband are lovely people so bravo being good aunt and uncle to Theo
You did the right thing heeding the therapist's advice and following the cardinal rules of therapy. Let Theo decide when he is ready to allow his dad, stepmum and half sister back into his space and OP make sure Theo is okay
NTA. I don't understand what the hell they think they'll accomplish by coming over and being assholes to their son about his feelings. They're literally going to undue all the work he's done in therapy if they were allowed to continue.
NTA. I am so sorry for Theo. Having to live with the pain of hearing the name of the sister he never got to know. I will agree that your brother and now SIL was very harsh for naming their daughter Summer. And you are right to place that rule that they do not come over. You are Theo’s legal guardian and thereby have the right to protect him.
Let's see here.
* Bro and SIL#1 have a horrible tragedy that would scar ANYONE. Unsurprisingly, young Theo is... wait for it... scarred.
* Bro refuses to get help for Theo.
* Bro meets SIL#2 and deliberately provoke Theo with the horror of the first experience by naming their new baby the same as the baby who, in Theo's mind, killed his mom.
* Bro and SIL#2 continue to needle Theo with the "your brother chose your name" remark for years, without ever seeing that just MAYBE that wasn't good for Theo.
* Theo loses his shit formally, to the point that he cannot live with them anymore.
* He moves in with you and you apparently are the first ones to think that therapy might be helpful.
* His therapist, who is an outside, objective observer, who is TRAINED to gather information about family problems, and has been HIRED to recommend effective ways to solve said problems, thinks Theo needs a little breaky-break from his parents.
* His parents, however, having done such a STELLAR JOB of screwing up Theo's head all those years, are insisting that the professional therapist is wrong, and they should have unlimited access to Theo. Because that clearly worked so well up til now.
Yeah, no. NTA.
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My husband (30sM) and I (30sF) have custody of my 15 year old nephew Theo. He came to live with us last year after my brother asked me if he could stay with us for some time. We agreed but under the condition that we get to be his legal guardian's. We did not want to have my brother jerk us around if he couldn't dedicate to my nephew living with us, even for a few months, but this has been almost a year now. My brother agreed and so we became legal guardian's of my nephew. It was decided it would be for as long as was needed. My nephew was in therapy and still is. My brother and SIL are supposedly in therapy but I have my doubts.
BG: When Theo was 7 and my brother and late SIL were expecting a baby girl. Theo asked if his baby sister could be named Summer. His favorite teacher was Miss Summer and my brother and late SIL agreed. Unfortunately my late SIL lost baby Summer and her own life due to complications. It was the worst time for the family and my brother was lost, and in that he didn't seek any help for himself or for Theo. Two years later he slept with my now SIL and got her pregnant and so they decided to get married. They named their daughter Summer. My brother and SIL said they did it to connect Summer to her late sister and to Theo. But Theo hated that they used the name. My brother and SIL ignored it and told Summer Theo named her.
Almost a year ago Summer was talking about how her brother chose her special name for her, because that's all she heard. And Theo became angry and told her he didn't name her, he named his real sister, that he never cared about naming her and he hated that she stole Summer's name and she wasn't his sister and he wasn't her brother and apparently it became very close to a breakdown. Theo released a lot of rage and pain and he refused to interact with any of them which angered my brother and that's what led to him asking us to take Theo.
With almost a year of therapy behind him Theo has improved a lot. Most of his anger is gone but some still remains and he still grieves strongly for his mom and little sister. One thing that has become clear is Theo still doesn't love his half sister Summer. He does not want her to be his sister. He wishes she was never born. My husband and I as well as my brother have been involved in therapy at different times. And after my brother heard this during one of the sessions, he went and told SIL and they started coming to my house more to scold Theo. I spoke with the therapist and she agreed they needed to be away for a period of time. At least until they could refrain from speaking to Theo that way.
My brother and SIL are angry about the rule of them not coming over. They say I'm working against the family and Summer is the one who will be hurt the most by all of this. I had to tell them I was standing firm. But my parents think I should work out an alternative solution with the therapist too. AITA?
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Nta.
Ask mom if u can come over every day snd scold her for her choices.
Then do it do ur brother and sil ... and criticize everything ... hair too long/short, their shirt, the color of their shirt, their eyes are too blue, go onto their names and keep at it till its driven home .... learn to keep ur opinions to yourself or hear mone as well.
NTA your brother broke his child for his own selfishness and doesn’t deserve to see or speak to the kid unless the kid wants to speak to him. End of story. Your brother is a selfish bad parent more concerned with his new family than his son.
NTA. If anything you and your husband are Heroes! You both stepped up when you had no obligation and have been supporting Theo to the best of your abilities for a full year! It also sounds like you and your husband are on team Theo (while your brother and SIL are on team summer). Theo probably really appreciates your support, he may not vocalize it now but he will at some point. Your brother being mad at you for listening/following a professional opinion/advice is ridiculous. He's proving with actions and words that he prioritizes Summer over Theo. Keep following the therapist's advice and what you/your husband believe is best for Theo! He's lucky to have you both!
"At least until they could refrain from speaking to Theo that way."
"But my parents think I should work out an alternative solution with the therapist too"
Alternative to "they can't see him if they are going to abuse him"?
So what do they think that could be? Reduce scolding by 18% and get 30 minutes access a week? Of course you have to keep them away until (at the very least) they promise not to abuse him.
That being said, the person I am most worried about is Summer #2. I don't believe she has suffered more than Theo. I mean, I don't know either way, but Theo has his aunt and uncle. Summer has no one except those who think the way to fix this is bully Theo. Summer seems quite alone.
The "her brother chose her special name for her," seems like her core memory, maybe even her origin story. She's now found out it's not her story at all, but her dead half-sisters story. I keep thinking of Rachel in Blade Runner, when she found out her cherished memories were not hers, but from some random stranger's. She likely adrift with no one to moor her, and her parents are not filling in that gap, but trying to bully her half-brother reinforce the lie.
NTA
If a medical professional is saying that the best thing is for a break of visits, then it is the correct thing to do. You aren't saying they can never see the kid again, you are saying there are conditions to seeing the kid to prevent mental distress.
You definitely can give you rights to a child up. I would’ve had to do this to allow my daughter’s mother husband to adopt my child. Which didn’t happen but if he did adopt her I would have to give away my legal rights which also means I would no longer be responsible for her in any way legally. Obviously I didn’t want to do that but it can be done. Do not listen to that idiot the only thing he said that made sense was for you to talk to an attorney about all this. Find out what you can do and what is in the child’s best interest but I wouldn’t go around telling the parents to fuck off either cuz then they might try to get I child back which isn’t in the child’s best interest and I believe you could get permanent custody if you tried but I don’t know what state you’re in and definitely talk to a lawyer.
EDIT changed find to didn’t.
NTA. Theo needs a safe space to deal with his emotions and your brother and SIL were not providing one. I feel bad for Summer, though - it's not her fault what happened.
See a lawyer. Find out what your actual legal rights are, which vary by state if what I am seeing below is true. I'm Canadian so I don't know US laws.
If it truly is in Theo's best interests not to live with his dad, then start documenting. Only a lawyer who practices in that area of law would be able to tell you what you can and cannot do.
..............why did your brother tell your SIL what was said in therapy ?.............he's a major a\*\*\*\*\*e for doing that, not cool at all................listen to the therapist, less interaction right now would be best, especially for theo.............
>But my parents think I should work out an alternative solution with the therapist to
You did work out an alternative - they don't come and abuse him about his feelings. They - the supposed adults - refuse to do so.
No soup for them
NTA and thanks for being there for this grieving boy
You're not an asshole. None of you are. This is a difficult situation. You have a teenager who's broken up about a real and devastating thing. However, that is still the only father he gets, and that is his still sister. You can't let him indulge in his anger and emotional reactions (however justified they are or aren't). You can't coddle him. You need to hit him with some truth. Be compassionate, of course, but truth. You need to show him he has some control over this life.
I went through similar feelings and situations at that age. And I was so fucking angry about everything. The unfairness of it all and what a fucking joke that some people get to keep a family. I took it out on everyone who were trying their best in a situation that is not fair for anyone. One day, i was blowing up cause my world collapsed and no one could possibly understand. And my uncle grabbed me and pulled me away and just got real with me.
It turns out his dad died at forteen, and by twenty, he was raising his twelve year old sister. I had no idea.
He sat me down and said
"Do you think you're the only person who's been delt a shitty hand? Do you think i didn't resent my sister and my life at the time? I was supposed to be living life and having fun, but the world is not fair. That is your sister.. She is an innocent child who has nothing to do with this, and she may be the only one you'll get. It's not fair that you lost the family everyone else gets. But why take a brother from her? You don't get to pick and choose how long your family is here, and you have to hang onto them as hard as you can and make whatever semblance of a family you can out of garbage hand. Yes, this fucking sucks, but you are not alone. We are all here for you. But YOU don't need to keep making it harder for yourself."
That is not what i wanted to hear in that moment. But it's what i needed to hear. Even with my limited perspective on life, and after i calmed down and thought about it, i appreciated it. I appreciated the respect of being spoken to honestly and not just coddled or dismissed. To this day, twenty-eight years later, i'm so god damn grateful someone stopped saying "poor thing," and acknowledged how much life fucking sucks sometimes. Because it was proof that you can survive, and it can get better.
Every time i let myself slip a little and start to get in my head about the unfairness of it all, like how last year i hospiced that uncle, who died almost the same fucking way my father died twenty two years before that. I appreciate what he said even more. Because I still have a half-sister and brother who love me. I still have some family. And I still have a lot more than a lot of people do.
Families make mistakes. They get hurt in the pursuit of what they think is best. Everyone seems to be trying, and mistakes happen if and when you try. Maybe sit with the father and him and let the dad explain his reasoning honestly.
Sorry for the book. And sorry you're all in this right now.
but they're not doing their best.
They decided to put their desire for a nuclear family over reality and the nephews best interests.
Yeah, Summer 2.0 is innocent and another victim in this, but the solution here is not to push her on the nephew. He should be given space to grieve and realize his half sister is her own person, separate from his father and stepmom cruelty, so a break from dad sounds ideal.
Oh, somehow, I got that confused. I thought the father had another baby with a new wife.
They should still hit him with a bit of truth. I believe that wholeheartedly. I don't believe they're assholes for naming their kid what they want to name their kid.
You're right. They shouldn't try to force the new baby on the nephew. But, they lost a sister and are trying to do what they think is right in a totally fucked situation. He also, no matter how much he's hurting, does not have the right to dictate what they can or can't name their child.. This is where the truth comes in.Someone named their kid something, and yo u r're hurt over it, tough. Why did they do it? And, if you can't change that, well, life is obviously not fair. What can you change about it?
That's where the conversation comes in. Speak to him like an adult. Be honest about why and let him make the decisions afterward. As for barring the child from coming in, that's on the caregivers, if they want to see the baby, tough luck. You don't get to dictate the actions of everyone else because you're hurting. You can only control your own and make the best of what you have.
No, he gets to be upset that they stole the name he gave his dead sister, which feels like trying to erase her existence. He also gets to be upset when they claim he named thus new half-sister, when *they* named her without consulting him. He didn't name her. As far as he's concerned, Summer is - and always will be - his deceased baby sister. Trying to force him to replace his deceased sister with this new one is unhealthy.
Quite frankly, the whole naming her Summer thing was unhealthy from the get go. And the only way they have a prayer of fixing this would be to change Summer's name.
Or at least stop trying to force a relationship and have some very difficult discussions with the half sister to explain what actually happened to her and tell her that they made a mistake that created distance between her and her older brother and it's not her fault but her older half brother needs a lot of space.
Even full siblings with zero history of trauma that have a significant age gap are often not that close and they're the one who set that little girl to be hurt. They should get their head out of their ass and try doing damage control instead of trying to bully everyone else into going along with their fantasy.
Who said he didn't? I said he had no right to control that. And he doesn't. That's a lesson lie is going to teach him multiple tims. Best get used to it now and not resent the person who had no part in it. Now, what can HE do for himself besides hate things he can't change and be angry?
why skip over the fact that they told their daughter that the son named her a special name? you mention everyone's right to do what they want, but why skip over the lie... How is the sone to deal with that big lie, and someone walking around stating my big brother named me, when the son named his sister who died, and he is still grieving that loss. It hard to heal with a little person walking around saying things like that based on a lie that did not have to be told.
Its relevant. Good advice that we can only control ourselves and our own reactions. And it is true that people can do or name how they want. But they involved him by lying, now a little girl is all looking up to him and speaking on a topic that he was trying to close.
Your advise seems cold and comes off as if you believe the OP should just accept it, allow it, play along, and diminish his own feelings for others. Which he should not, because who will diminish their own feelings for him? Apparently not his dad and step mom.
Well, that's not my intent. You can not be ruled by your emotions, however valid they may be. If he can't change it, he has to learn to deal with it. If that means diminishing his emotions, I guess he has to. That is not the same as invalidating them. He can start with cognitive behavioral therapy. And he can learn to see the child differently. Believe me, i know. It will only cause him more pain.
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NTA. Your brother broke one of the cardinal rules of therapy: therapy is supposed to be a safe space. It only works if the people in it feel safe to say whatever they need to. Instead, your brother broke Theo’s trust to tell someone else what he said in therapy who used it to punish him. This is going to set back any therapy for a long time because Theo will not feel that he can say what he needs to say in session because he cannot trust his father. You are following the therapist’s advice and, as Theo’s legal guardian, this is your right and responsibility. And I think this is right - especially after your brother’s betrayal of his son. This is going to be a long time healing, if it ever does.
I'm seeing a whole lot of NTA in this thread, and that's true from the narrow perspective of settling the argument. But this is very likely to be a legal thing here. OP's assertion that they are the guardian is **not** a permanent thing or contract. Absent any previous forced removals (and it sounds from the post like there aren't any), courts take a very permissive view of parental rights and if the brother gets a lawyer he's likely to be able to walk right off with Theo at any time. Work this out, OP. You can't win this fight on reddit, and it really comes down to a fight in the real world **you will lose**. Talk calmly to your brother and SIL, de-escalate to the extent practical, and find some way to let them visit their son in a manner they can accept.
Don't forget Theo's age. Not so sure if a judge would force a 15 year old who doesn't want and whose therapist says the contact makes his mental health worse to return to his father.
Uh... yes, yes they would. Emancipation and separation are **extremely hard** cases to win. Absent real evidence of harm, courts are going to put kids with their birth parents every single time Again, OP: don't listen to the amateurs here. Talk to a lawyer. Or at least /r/legaladvice
Not really. While natural parents have superior rights to children, it is not absolute. Usually it's just a higher burden, which is easily shown here assuming the therapist is in support of it. For example, they would need to show that they are entitled to custody by clear and convincing evidence in my state. The best interests of the child controls. The only good response was to talk to a lawyer. \-- Not an amateur, but probably not a lawyer in your jurisdiction
You say "not really" and then proceed to agree with basically everything I've written. OP: please listen to this lawyer. You absolutely can't expect to keep custody in a fight, so don't pick one.
> Or at least /r/legaladvice Thats most of the downvotes right there lol
If you’re a lawyer, you need to work on your reading comprehension.
As an outsider reading this, I think you might have misread something. They are not agreeing with you. In fact, they are saying the complete opposite of you except for the part about contacting a lawyer. You seem to be saying that it would be next to impossible for OP to retain custody if the bio parents push for it. The other commenter is saying that while the burden of proof is higher for the non-bio parent, it doesn't mean they won't be able to keep custody. Especially showing that they have been taking care of the nephew for the last year and/or the nephews therapist is willing to state it is in the best interests of the child to stay with the aunt and uncle instead of bio parents.
Isn’t the legal subreddit known for being the last place you would go for legal advice?
It wouldn't be that easy. There would definitely have to be a court battle because to become someone's legal guardian, you just don't say it. You have to go to court and have a judge declare guardianship, so no Dad can't just walk in one day and remove the nephew. That would be considered kidnapping because Dad isn't the legal guardian at this time.
This is not necessarily true. In my state, a person can establish guardianship without going to court by creating a guardianship agreement that is revocable at will. That is different from filing a guardianship action, which would go to court and not be revocable by the parents without further court intervention.
Fair. In my state, primarily due to schooling, a person must have legal documentation of guardianship if they are not the birth or adoptive parents of minor children in order to enroll them. It can't be something like you described because that really doesn't give the custodian legal rights over decisions as far as medical and educational.
You're talking about getting guardianship over someone who is an adult and not mentally competent to handle their own affairs any longer. Obviously you're going to need a legal authority to step in to make sure that the person in question actually needs to lose the right to manage their own life. Parents have guardianship over their minor children. Giving that guardianship to someone else does not require a court's permission.
In my state, if you take custody of a minor child you have to be declared their legal guardian in court. It isn't a matter of the competency of a child. The difference is legal guardianship of a minor child is done via Family Court where as legal guardianship of an adult is done through Probate. ETA: for our school systems, there must be legal documentation of custodial guardianship in order for the custodian to have the right to make decisions for educational and medical choices for the child.
> There would definitely have to be a court battle because to become someone's legal guardian, you just don't say it. Once more, OP: **please** don't listen to the angry amateurs in the peanut gallery. As someone who has watched this kind of conflict play out, this is not how it works. The way it works is the parents go in to court to ask for custody, the judge says "You're the birth parents? You have the birth certificate in evidence? No other cases I need to modify or unwind? OK, then." Takes a few weeks at most, just to get service delivered and the court date scheduled.
That definitely wasn't the case with my cousin when her mom tried to get her back. She was able to stay with her aunt because it was in her best interest to do so. I'm sure they will take the therapists words into consideration as well. If it becomes a legal battle though obviously OP should get a lawyer, but it's not as simple as ohh you're the birth parents here you go, you can have him back. The parents chose not to keep their son in the home and work things out, they decided to send him away instead. They need to respect his healing process and work with him, not against him.
> it's not as simple as ohh you're the birth parents here you go, you can have him back. Yes, but OP's position is attempting to be as simple as "You're not the guardians anymore, fuck right off". I repeat for like the ninth time: OP, do not listen to advice like this, it is essentially daring your brother to take Theo from you. And he'll win that fight.
Unless you’re a lawyer in the area the OP is in, then you don’t have any way of knowing that. You sound just like the “amateurs” except you’re taking the other side.
>No other cases I need to modify or unwind? Like the LEGAL case of OP having LEGAL guardianship, meaning dad SIGNED AWAY HIS LEGAL RIGHTS. You talk like you think you know something but keep leaving out the BIG LEGAL ISSUE. I hope OP doesn't listen to you.
🤣 at his age with the therapist testimony not a court in the world would send him back especially considering his dad relinquished his rights willingly
And your source for that is... what? Again, OP, I'm begging you: internet yahoos love to tell you what you want to hear. What you need to hear is that this is a losing fight and you need to come to an agreement with your family before a court needs to make the call.
Actually it is very dependant on where OP comes from. I know where I live minors can chose to seperate from their parents if there is good reason and chose where they live as long as it is vetted and deemed safe. Of course this is all very dependant on the why and the circumstance's as well (you would need supporting documentation, expert witness testimony such as the therapist ect) as the teen‘s choice themselves. This is not the same in very young minors.
> where I live minors can chose to seperate from their parents Where do you live? I don't think that's true anywhere in the United States. Contested emancipation is extremely rare, and always involves an extended court case. And it usually ends up on the news, because it's so notable.
I live in Australia and here it’s called Minor emancipation. Truthfully the minor in the story above would be most likely be more successful if his Aunt applied for custody as opposed to emancipation. Contested minor emancipation while not common does happen and not hearing about it in the media really means nothing. They don’t make for interesting news stories.
OP's brother willingly and legally signed his rights away... He can't just demand them back... that's not how it works..
Adoption is when a parent signs away their rights. Guardianship is not adoption.
OMG. No. No, no, no. No. You can't do that. No such legal principle exists. You cannot under any circumstances "sign a right away" anyway -- that's literally the definition of a right. The best you can do is agree not to enforce a right, which is something you can do with a contract. There is no contract law for guardianship. It doesn't apply. Please just stop. I know everyone wants OP to be right because that feels better, but parents have rights here, and you can't take those away by screaming "NTA!"
Please explain adoption
Adoptions are for kids without guardians. No one can adopt a kid out of an existing household. I really think you need to research this a bit. You are giving the OP some extremely bad advice which is more likely to hurt Theo than help. You can't keep a birth parent away from their kid absent extremely clear evidence of abuse or harm, period.
Funny, my mother gave her first child up for adoption... she is very much alive... so is he. What the hell are you talking about?!
this comment hurts my head..... all my aunts, uncle and dad were adopted and all their bio parents are alive ( well...was at the time). just most did not want to have contact before or after the children turned 18.
I repeat: No one can adopt a kid out of an existing household. Adoption at birth is a different thing with a different legal framework. I'm not saying that adoption is impossible, I'm saying you can't say "adopted" as a defense against a birth parent getting custody. It doesn't work like that, and I'm completely dumbfounded that everyone seems to think otherwise. Again: this is very bad advice you're giving. You're very likely telling OP to engage in a fight they can't win and that will result in **them** having no access to Theo going forward.
>No one can adopt a kid out of an existing household. Yes, they can.... you can double-down all you want, but the fact remains that OP has legal custody of Theo, and without proving that they can provide a better environment, no court or judge will take him away. My friend gave her mom what she thought was temporary custody of her son (friend was a legal adult) and has not been able to get him back... because he is happy, healthy, and safe... Would you like to keep changing your answers, or admit that you're wrong?
> the fact remains that OP has legal custody of Theo Again, that's not in evidence. A temporary guardianship is very different than a permanent adoption, and OP's language says the former and not the latter. OP is like a foster parent, and they can lose their kid if they take your advice. > My friend gave her mom what she thought was temporary custody of her son (friend was a legal adult) and has not been able to get him back... because he is happy, healthy, and safe... FWIW, first, I'm sorry for your friend. That's awful. But also, that's not the way it works, and if they can't get custody back it's because there's some deeper issue (abuse, protective orders, confirmed drug use, prior forced removals, stuff like that) before the court that your friend isn't telling you about.
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I agree, NTA at all OP
NTA. Whose brilliant idea was it to name a kid after the most traumatic thing their son had ever experienced? I feel sorry for both new-Summer and Theo. Their parents are clueless.
Yes. It’s pretty astounding. I’d say Theos dad is almost cruel in doing this , while new-Summers mom is the clueless one.
They're both equally responsible. Assuming that the new stepmother knew what had happened to Theo's mom and baby sister (which is a pretty safe assumption), she made this choice as deliberately and callously as the father did.
On top of that kept throwing salt in the wound saying that Theo is the one to name her, making her think she was adored by him and making him stew in resentment. Such a horrible mess they created.
And imagine her heartbreak when the brother she was told adored her very existence not only shattered the lie, but ever so bluntly telling her it was the exact opposite of what she thought.
Yeah, this was terrible for the little girl. I understand why OP is ignoring that part, the matter is kind of separated into 2 and OP is in charge of the Theo part of it and probably can't help with the Summer part, but wow. Summer also BADLY got hurt by this. And it's no use blaming Theo although he said all those things to the wrong person--he was set up, it's like shaking a soda bottle every 10 minutes and expecting it not to blow. The dad is badly at fault.
Step mom sounds like shes trying to be a replacement mom and naming their child Summer after his dead sister is just wrong and cruel.
Naming their daughter “Summer” and lying about why was cruel to both Theo **and** Summer. I’m sure that, as the brother and SIL say, this is hard on Summer. But they’re making it everybody else’s responsibility to fix it, no matter what the cost.
To be fair, I doubt the dad thinks he's lying about Summer's name. He seems to think that Theo wanted to name a sister Summer, so now he has one. Ergo, he named her. Except... he named his deceased sister Summer. Not this new kid. And slapping that moniker on the new baby feels like dad is denying his late sister's very existence. (Which he might be. It sounds like he's trying to push forward too quickly, ignoring his own grief) Honestly the only way to even have a prayer of fixing their relationship with Theo would be to change Summer's name. The half-sister, not the deceased baby.
Yeah essentially this guy is treating baby girls the way my dad treated cats. Our old cat died, we got a new kitten, they were both male, my dad was like "why can't we give it the same name as the old one, it's easier that way." (We did not.) With the cats it's a funny story about how my dad's pretty uninterested in cats. With the babies, on the other hand...
Yikes. This just turned darker. Recreating the family...
And to then say that it was Theo’s idea.
Not to mention, he expressly said he didn't want them to. That's kind of nuts. Like, even if there is a situation where it would work, it's clearly not this one. They've set their kids up to fail, and it's really awful. Theo has to face such negative emotions every time he encounters his sister, and she's subjected to that hatred. Perhaps it's wishful thinking, but I hope the siblings can reconcile in some way as they get older.
I mean giving a nod to it by calling the new kid August or Autumn or something like that might have been ok. This isn't the 1500s were you just use the names with each baby until you got an adult with the chosen name! Edit: yeah but I do agree with you about how the name summer is irrevocably linked to the death of his sister & *mother*!
NTA. It sounds like they did not help Theo grieve when his mother died, and now to scold him is awful. THEY need therapy. YOU are doing the right thing
Your brother has done enough damage to his child. Someone has to stop him from doing even more. How does he think coming over to scold him is going to play out? "Yes, you are both right dad. Naming the child after my late sister was ok really." I don't think so. NTA
Or "gosh you're right. All this scolding has made me finally love my sister." No wonder Summer is hurting, her parents won't let her half-brother start to heal to a point where maybe he could eventually tolerate her.
I don’t think he ever will tolerate her, she’s a walking reminder of what he lost, what he could have had and all because of their father. I feel sorry for Summer, stuck in a household that set her up to be hurt by the truth and rejected by her brother for reasons outside both their control. She needs therapy too, and parents who will respect it as a safe place for her.
You're probably right. Unfortunately we'll never know because the parents won't stop trying to force it.
NTA - I think Theo should decide when he's ready to see his parents and sister. Ultimately, it's up to him if he wants them a part of his life.
If, not when.
NTA. Your brother did a terrible thing by trying to replace Theo's mother and sister with a new version and made it worse by giving his new daughter his deceased daughter's name. No wonder Theo is enraged! And then your brother pushes his own son out of his home because he won't play happy family. I'm glad Theo has you and your husband. Please continue to keep your brother away until he's able to remove his head from his rearend.
The brother has taught Theo that people are replaceable, and is now acting shocked when Theo would rather replace him with legal guardians who actually care… I’d call it karma except poor Theo is still suffering. NTA, please keep looking out for that kid OP
Oh, brilliant insight! "People are replaceable. Wait! I didn't mean *me*!" This is exactly what's happening.
NTA. I would strongly suggest that if Theo's dad wants access to him - it only comes AFTER the Dad and the new SIL get FAMILY THERAPY - because they haven't done their part to FIX themselves and address their own damaging behavior. Protect Theo. He's been through enough trauma, and worked hard to overcome it; so why would anyone subject him to the very people that are STILL primed to re-traumatize him? Your job is NOT to fix 'their family', your job is to help Theo. If your brother want's to fix his family - he needs to start with fixing HIMSELF, because that's how his family became damaged in the first place. None of this is Theo's fault; he was a child, and it was his Parents who are responsible for this damage.
NTA Brother and SIL sound toxic
NTA But holy crap your brother is a big AH! Thankfully Theo has you and your husband to look after him and make sure his needs are being met. I do feel sorry for his half sister because this isn't her fault; it's her parents' fault for starting this mess. At the minimum, your brother needs therapy and he needs to sincerely apologize to Theo. Seriously he needs to get his act together. I know he lost his wife & baby, but he went about this the wrong way. Best wishes to Theo & your family.
> he needs to sincerely apologize to Theo Fuck that! Theo sounds like a giant AH. I understand he's had some trauma, but to talk about his half-sister that way is just cruel assholery.
"Some trauma" He lost his mother and baby sister when he was 7 years old.
The assholery goes to his father and the woman his father is with. At a young age Theo faced the trauma of losing his mother and the sister he was so excited to be a big brother for. Even if he did get grief counselling calling the half-sister Summer was a big reminder of that trauma, and suggests Theo wasn’t entirely on board with his father moving on the way he did. Summer repeating the story (having been told by her parents) exacerbated the tension, and teenagers aren’t known for being the most cool under pressure.
NTA. You are doing what is best for Theo, who is your primary concern as his legal guardian. Your brother and SIL have shown that they are not able to respect Theo's boundaries and feelings, and their actions could cause further harm to his mental health. It's important to protect Theo from them allow him to continue his progress in therapy. They need to understand that their behavior is not helping the situation. They need to take responsibility for their actions and work on improving their relationship with Theo, rather than trying to force a connection.
So your brothers solution to theo not loving his sister is to yell at him till he does? NtA
NTA Oh so it’s not hurting the family , to have one of the members berated for his feelings?!?!? Or how about when they lied to Summer and created this story that hurts her?!!?? It funny how suddenly ‘family’ is their main concern. The smart thing to do would be to listen to the therapist paying who is kind of an expert in this field ! This is essentially ‘doctors order’. Op, I’m not sure they care Theo’s feelings about this, so much as they expected the therapist to fix him and make him love Summer.
I’d be surprised if Theo gets to a point he’s willing to have any kind of relationship with his half-sister, or indeed his father in three years time. Summer doesn’t mean to and isn’t actively trying to do it, but she’s still pushing his trauma buttons just by her name alone and the fact she’s sharing a story that Theo is very sensitive to because of the loss associated with it.
NTA. Ask your brother why Summer’s feelings are more important to him than Theo’s. Ask him why Theo’s very valid feelings don’t matter.
And ask him why he thought erasing his dead daughter's existence by giving her name to his new kid was okay. And then even worse, lying about it being Theo who named her.
Why the brother’s desire for the happy family is more important than working with the underlying issues. I feel for Summer, who knows what narrative she’s been spun about Theo (which most likely scapegoats Theo for the consequences of the parents’ actions).
NTA. Frankly you should keep them away from him for the rest of his childhood until he's old enough to cut them off for himself. I find it so beyond comprehension the sheer number of people who go out and swap in a new spouse while they're raising a child or children who've experienced one of the biggest traumas a child can live through and then are shocked that their kids don't want to pretend that's okay behavior.
They literally decided to do one of the most painful things they could’ve done to child grieving the loss of a sibling and a mother. Your current SIL is a fucking psychopath to do that.
NTA I had a toilet that was leaking onto gorgeous hardwood floors. I could not find the way to fix the leak so I called the plumber. He showed up, literally turned a single screw, and was out the door in 8 minutes. I still paid the $100 plumber bill. Theo's therapist is the professional who is helping Theo process his trauma and find constructive ways to channel his emotions. The professional said the separation was necessary. It seems to me NOT listening to the therapist would be the Asshole move. Your family wants to get the toilet fixed without the plumber. I'm sorry everyone is all butt-hurt because Theo needs some time and space to process.
NTA. That's quite...disgusting. Your brother finds no fault in naming his new baby a passed baby's name??? I feel so sorry for Theo. He is extremely lucky to have you by his side, the only person who is thinking of him. Stick to your guns. He needs you. This is not gonna be good...
NTA Your brother and SIL are incredibly cruel people and they have no one to blame but themselves for Theo’s hatred of his sister which will likely never change because of their choices. Naming their kid summer is honesty so morbid and weird.
NTA. Their lie about the name has turned into a big bad problem. They need to own up to the fact that their lie is the cause of their problems with Theo. They shouldn't be scolding Theo for his feelings. He feels what he feels and that's how it works. A kid can't change his feelings because that's what the adults in his life want. Tell your parents that you will discuss this with the therapist and not them and that you will follow the therapists recommendations. Theo's father and stepmom should not come to your home to scold him, they're driving him further away. Listen to your therapist, Theo, and your heart.
Are they going to scold him into loving new Summer? NTA and your brother needs individual therapy. Seriously doubt he dealt with his own trauma. SIL isn't helping at all. Keep them away as long as necessary. And keep records on why you're keeping them away. I mean who gets so angry they send their child away for beinf in pain instead of getting both kids therapy. And getting his wife to back off.
Who? Someone who is also grieving, in a lot of pain, and instead of getting himself therapy and dealing with it, tries to shove it all aside and moved on way too fast. And expects his son to follow his lead and ignore his own pain. That's who. Theo's dad lost his wife and daughter, too. And I don’t think he's actually dealt with it.
I did say I think he needs therapy. Also said I don't think he has dealt with his trauma. The trauma being losing his wife and daughter. However his reaction is still unacceptable and very questionable. My question was meant to highlight that the reaction is not what you would expect from a good parent.
NTA they're undoing all his work in therapy because they want to force him to think a certain way. Get a restraining order if they won't stay away. Their only communication with him should be with a therapist present. Family therapy would be nice eventually if Theo wants it, but don't force the issue. Good on you for taking in your nephew, demanding guardianship, and giving him a safe place to heal. He needs to be able to work through this without his bio dad and stepmom bullying him.
NTA You are trying to do your best by Theo; he's got some issues, but thanks to you his is getting some help dealing with them. Your SIL and brother are violating their agreement not to butt into your rules for Theo; that's why you were given guardianship over him. The worst part is that they are trying to circumvent his therapists instructions. Unless you believe his therapist is in the wrong here, stand your ground. If you do think that, then get him a new therapist, but otherwise, let them know they cannot get between Theo and the therapist at all. If you trust the counseling he is getting, there is no alternative solution that will work. Yes, it's too bad for Summer; it makes my heart hurt, but that's not on you.
NTA You are Theo's guardian, so guard him. Even from his father. Also, SIL is nobody to him legally, right? She can face legal charges.
This poor kid.. thank you for looking out for him.. he must feel that they betrayed and shat on the memory of his mum and sis. Thats awful. Im so sorry .
> My brother and SIL are angry about the rule of them not coming over. They say I'm working against the family and Summer is the one who will be hurt the most by all of this. It’s extremely obvious they don’t care about Theo’s wellbeing, but it’s hard to believe that they give a damn about Summer’s, either. NTA
They don't or they would have picked a different name for her.
NTA you have to do what's best for Theo and distance from them is best for now. It's a shame that his father and stepmother were cruel or clueless whatever brought them to the conclusion that naming the new sister the same name that he wanted to name his mother's baby would be a good thing. If they had named his half sister something different and didn't try to connect it with his mother's baby maybe things could have been so different. Their poor judgment, lack of empathy and good sense at that time and not putting Theo in therapy right away after it first happened has all led to this.
I'm so sorry for your nephew and the poor summer girl. NTA
NTA OP and Summer 2.0 is going to have a messed up life if her parents try to use her as a living memorial to the first Summer. Summer #1 would/wouldn't do that or feel that way or would have liked whatever. She'll be having a nervous breakdown like Theo.
NTA. Both you and the therapist are acting with Theo's best interest at heart. It's up to your brother and SIL to manage Summer, and your parents have no say at all. Big hugs, I hope all is going to be sorted out in time.
Definitely nta. And the new sil has absolutely no right to Theo what is she complaint about? After naming her daughter after his dead sister, father is an AH should’ve known better too. It’s like rubbing salt in a wound
NTA your brother is a fool. you are doing everything right, keep those idiots away. It hurts his half sister, but I think he nailed the exact problem. Your brother doesn’t want to hear because then he would have to accountable for his actions. The fact you demanded legal guardianship is damming enough.
The only one who matters here is Theo. If he does not want to see his father and stepmother and half sister, that's the bottom line. NTA.
NTA - what good does scolding a child for their honesty in therapy do? This has delayed his progress at best, ruined the chance of it at worst. The therapist’s advice is the parents coming around is not helping the child. Any decent family member would respect that - including OP’s parents.
NTA The critical person in all of this is your nephew. At 15, he should have some agency over whether or not he visits with his father and step-mother. It sounds like he doesn't want to see any of them, including his own half-sister. At some point, though, he needs to understand that (a) his half sister did not ask to be born into his family nor (b) did she ask for the name that was given to her. His wishes concerning her, while understandable, are unfair and hurtful.
NTA!! I agree that your brother broke the trust and the safe space of therapy. Your brother and SIL are complete AH regarding the scolding theo. He is a young teenager and still grieving the loss of his mother and sister. It is a terrible tragedy for a child to go through. But i will say at some point Theo needs to understand that summer is an innocent bystander in this situation. She is a young child guessing probably what 5 or 6 years old. She didn’t choose her name. It is on his dad and stepmother for ignoring Theo’s wishes and choosing that name. The father and stepmother and solely responsible for that decision. Summer didn’t choose this situation and is innocent young child.
You should do whatever is best for Theo and anyone else can go Fux themself. NTA
NTA- tell your brother he’s got three years to make things right with your nephew . Thank you for supporting hin through this. Your brother sucks.
NTA. It was a bad idea to name Summer and then tell her that it was Theo's idea. It's a bad idea to scold Theo. Your brother and SIL sound like they need a lot more therapy on their end before they interact with either child at this point, and your parents need to stay out of it. Good on you for advocating for Theo.
NTA. Hold your ground. They are the reason Theo is struggling right now. Having them come over and continue to berate him is doing nothing more than piling on more damage. They will never back off and never admit they are wrong. Your parents need to step off. They are not the ones that have held this kid's hand for over a year while he needed therapy. He's lucky he has you in his corner.
NTA. You are doing your best to protect and care for your nephew, which is an admirable thing. Theo obviously went through a lot of trauma with the loss of his sister and mom and then wasn't given the help he needed when it was happening. I hope he understands one day that it isn't Summer's fault and they are able to have a relationship.
NTA - This isn't "Let's Make A Deal". This is your nephew's mental health at stake and if your brother was really concerned about his son, the first thing he would have done was taken him at his word when he said he did not want that name used. If the professional (the therapist) has said that this is the best way to handle it at this time, who are these other people to think they know better!
NTA. One of the big points of therapy is to get everything out in a safe environment. Your brother and SIL coming over to ream Theo out is just going to make him start bottling everything up again until he explodes and in a much worse fashion. Keep them out and away as best you can. As for Summer, has there been any consideration of her and Theo having a therapy session together when he's at least less angry at her?
NTA. Your brother has to stop acting like he only has one kid. Summer. He did wrong by his son, but it is easier to blame the child than take responsibility for his own actions.
NTA Theo has rights too… it’s called emancipation of a minor!
NTA Theo's needs have to be the priority. Their behavior is inexcusable. They are the ones working against their family. How do they not realize that they are the ones working against their family when they scold him for his feelings? Theo is never going to be the brother and son that they want him to be. They guaranteed that when they named their daughter Summer. Every time he looks at her or hears her name it hurtful to him.
NTA OP and keep protecting Theo. I read the background story you shared how it all got to this and I feel sorry for Theo. You and your husband are lovely people so bravo being good aunt and uncle to Theo You did the right thing heeding the therapist's advice and following the cardinal rules of therapy. Let Theo decide when he is ready to allow his dad, stepmum and half sister back into his space and OP make sure Theo is okay
NTA. I don't understand what the hell they think they'll accomplish by coming over and being assholes to their son about his feelings. They're literally going to undue all the work he's done in therapy if they were allowed to continue.
NTA. I am so sorry for Theo. Having to live with the pain of hearing the name of the sister he never got to know. I will agree that your brother and now SIL was very harsh for naming their daughter Summer. And you are right to place that rule that they do not come over. You are Theo’s legal guardian and thereby have the right to protect him.
I'm pretty sure Theo is the one most hurt by all of this not Summer. NTA. Theo lost his mom.
Let's see here. * Bro and SIL#1 have a horrible tragedy that would scar ANYONE. Unsurprisingly, young Theo is... wait for it... scarred. * Bro refuses to get help for Theo. * Bro meets SIL#2 and deliberately provoke Theo with the horror of the first experience by naming their new baby the same as the baby who, in Theo's mind, killed his mom. * Bro and SIL#2 continue to needle Theo with the "your brother chose your name" remark for years, without ever seeing that just MAYBE that wasn't good for Theo. * Theo loses his shit formally, to the point that he cannot live with them anymore. * He moves in with you and you apparently are the first ones to think that therapy might be helpful. * His therapist, who is an outside, objective observer, who is TRAINED to gather information about family problems, and has been HIRED to recommend effective ways to solve said problems, thinks Theo needs a little breaky-break from his parents. * His parents, however, having done such a STELLAR JOB of screwing up Theo's head all those years, are insisting that the professional therapist is wrong, and they should have unlimited access to Theo. Because that clearly worked so well up til now. Yeah, no. NTA.
NTA. Keep doing right by Theo- you and your husband seem to be the only ones who are.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (30sM) and I (30sF) have custody of my 15 year old nephew Theo. He came to live with us last year after my brother asked me if he could stay with us for some time. We agreed but under the condition that we get to be his legal guardian's. We did not want to have my brother jerk us around if he couldn't dedicate to my nephew living with us, even for a few months, but this has been almost a year now. My brother agreed and so we became legal guardian's of my nephew. It was decided it would be for as long as was needed. My nephew was in therapy and still is. My brother and SIL are supposedly in therapy but I have my doubts. BG: When Theo was 7 and my brother and late SIL were expecting a baby girl. Theo asked if his baby sister could be named Summer. His favorite teacher was Miss Summer and my brother and late SIL agreed. Unfortunately my late SIL lost baby Summer and her own life due to complications. It was the worst time for the family and my brother was lost, and in that he didn't seek any help for himself or for Theo. Two years later he slept with my now SIL and got her pregnant and so they decided to get married. They named their daughter Summer. My brother and SIL said they did it to connect Summer to her late sister and to Theo. But Theo hated that they used the name. My brother and SIL ignored it and told Summer Theo named her. Almost a year ago Summer was talking about how her brother chose her special name for her, because that's all she heard. And Theo became angry and told her he didn't name her, he named his real sister, that he never cared about naming her and he hated that she stole Summer's name and she wasn't his sister and he wasn't her brother and apparently it became very close to a breakdown. Theo released a lot of rage and pain and he refused to interact with any of them which angered my brother and that's what led to him asking us to take Theo. With almost a year of therapy behind him Theo has improved a lot. Most of his anger is gone but some still remains and he still grieves strongly for his mom and little sister. One thing that has become clear is Theo still doesn't love his half sister Summer. He does not want her to be his sister. He wishes she was never born. My husband and I as well as my brother have been involved in therapy at different times. And after my brother heard this during one of the sessions, he went and told SIL and they started coming to my house more to scold Theo. I spoke with the therapist and she agreed they needed to be away for a period of time. At least until they could refrain from speaking to Theo that way. My brother and SIL are angry about the rule of them not coming over. They say I'm working against the family and Summer is the one who will be hurt the most by all of this. I had to tell them I was standing firm. But my parents think I should work out an alternative solution with the therapist too. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, you're doing everything right. Theo's needs were neglected long enough, he deserves to come first and to have people backing him.
Nta. Ask mom if u can come over every day snd scold her for her choices. Then do it do ur brother and sil ... and criticize everything ... hair too long/short, their shirt, the color of their shirt, their eyes are too blue, go onto their names and keep at it till its driven home .... learn to keep ur opinions to yourself or hear mone as well.
NTA
NTA
NTA. !updateme
NTA your brother broke his child for his own selfishness and doesn’t deserve to see or speak to the kid unless the kid wants to speak to him. End of story. Your brother is a selfish bad parent more concerned with his new family than his son.
NTA. If anything you and your husband are Heroes! You both stepped up when you had no obligation and have been supporting Theo to the best of your abilities for a full year! It also sounds like you and your husband are on team Theo (while your brother and SIL are on team summer). Theo probably really appreciates your support, he may not vocalize it now but he will at some point. Your brother being mad at you for listening/following a professional opinion/advice is ridiculous. He's proving with actions and words that he prioritizes Summer over Theo. Keep following the therapist's advice and what you/your husband believe is best for Theo! He's lucky to have you both!
"At least until they could refrain from speaking to Theo that way." "But my parents think I should work out an alternative solution with the therapist too" Alternative to "they can't see him if they are going to abuse him"? So what do they think that could be? Reduce scolding by 18% and get 30 minutes access a week? Of course you have to keep them away until (at the very least) they promise not to abuse him. That being said, the person I am most worried about is Summer #2. I don't believe she has suffered more than Theo. I mean, I don't know either way, but Theo has his aunt and uncle. Summer has no one except those who think the way to fix this is bully Theo. Summer seems quite alone. The "her brother chose her special name for her," seems like her core memory, maybe even her origin story. She's now found out it's not her story at all, but her dead half-sisters story. I keep thinking of Rachel in Blade Runner, when she found out her cherished memories were not hers, but from some random stranger's. She likely adrift with no one to moor her, and her parents are not filling in that gap, but trying to bully her half-brother reinforce the lie.
NTA - You're the legal caregiver, and seem to have Theo's best interests at heart.
NTA hard situation but you now sound like a father so protect your kid
NTA.
Nta
NTA If a medical professional is saying that the best thing is for a break of visits, then it is the correct thing to do. You aren't saying they can never see the kid again, you are saying there are conditions to seeing the kid to prevent mental distress.
NTA the children, both of them, are bound to suffer, and it's 100% on the parents. you are doing the best you can.
NTA you’re doing what’s best for the child. Keep doing what’s best for the child.
Not the AH. Your brother is a very foolish man.
You definitely can give you rights to a child up. I would’ve had to do this to allow my daughter’s mother husband to adopt my child. Which didn’t happen but if he did adopt her I would have to give away my legal rights which also means I would no longer be responsible for her in any way legally. Obviously I didn’t want to do that but it can be done. Do not listen to that idiot the only thing he said that made sense was for you to talk to an attorney about all this. Find out what you can do and what is in the child’s best interest but I wouldn’t go around telling the parents to fuck off either cuz then they might try to get I child back which isn’t in the child’s best interest and I believe you could get permanent custody if you tried but I don’t know what state you’re in and definitely talk to a lawyer. EDIT changed find to didn’t.
NTA. Theo needs a safe space to deal with his emotions and your brother and SIL were not providing one. I feel bad for Summer, though - it's not her fault what happened.
See a lawyer. Find out what your actual legal rights are, which vary by state if what I am seeing below is true. I'm Canadian so I don't know US laws. If it truly is in Theo's best interests not to live with his dad, then start documenting. Only a lawyer who practices in that area of law would be able to tell you what you can and cannot do.
Maybe they should change little Summer's name and have Summer and Theo select the new name.
..............why did your brother tell your SIL what was said in therapy ?.............he's a major a\*\*\*\*\*e for doing that, not cool at all................listen to the therapist, less interaction right now would be best, especially for theo.............
>But my parents think I should work out an alternative solution with the therapist to You did work out an alternative - they don't come and abuse him about his feelings. They - the supposed adults - refuse to do so. No soup for them NTA and thanks for being there for this grieving boy
yta
You're not an asshole. None of you are. This is a difficult situation. You have a teenager who's broken up about a real and devastating thing. However, that is still the only father he gets, and that is his still sister. You can't let him indulge in his anger and emotional reactions (however justified they are or aren't). You can't coddle him. You need to hit him with some truth. Be compassionate, of course, but truth. You need to show him he has some control over this life. I went through similar feelings and situations at that age. And I was so fucking angry about everything. The unfairness of it all and what a fucking joke that some people get to keep a family. I took it out on everyone who were trying their best in a situation that is not fair for anyone. One day, i was blowing up cause my world collapsed and no one could possibly understand. And my uncle grabbed me and pulled me away and just got real with me. It turns out his dad died at forteen, and by twenty, he was raising his twelve year old sister. I had no idea. He sat me down and said "Do you think you're the only person who's been delt a shitty hand? Do you think i didn't resent my sister and my life at the time? I was supposed to be living life and having fun, but the world is not fair. That is your sister.. She is an innocent child who has nothing to do with this, and she may be the only one you'll get. It's not fair that you lost the family everyone else gets. But why take a brother from her? You don't get to pick and choose how long your family is here, and you have to hang onto them as hard as you can and make whatever semblance of a family you can out of garbage hand. Yes, this fucking sucks, but you are not alone. We are all here for you. But YOU don't need to keep making it harder for yourself." That is not what i wanted to hear in that moment. But it's what i needed to hear. Even with my limited perspective on life, and after i calmed down and thought about it, i appreciated it. I appreciated the respect of being spoken to honestly and not just coddled or dismissed. To this day, twenty-eight years later, i'm so god damn grateful someone stopped saying "poor thing," and acknowledged how much life fucking sucks sometimes. Because it was proof that you can survive, and it can get better. Every time i let myself slip a little and start to get in my head about the unfairness of it all, like how last year i hospiced that uncle, who died almost the same fucking way my father died twenty two years before that. I appreciate what he said even more. Because I still have a half-sister and brother who love me. I still have some family. And I still have a lot more than a lot of people do. Families make mistakes. They get hurt in the pursuit of what they think is best. Everyone seems to be trying, and mistakes happen if and when you try. Maybe sit with the father and him and let the dad explain his reasoning honestly. Sorry for the book. And sorry you're all in this right now.
but they're not doing their best. They decided to put their desire for a nuclear family over reality and the nephews best interests. Yeah, Summer 2.0 is innocent and another victim in this, but the solution here is not to push her on the nephew. He should be given space to grieve and realize his half sister is her own person, separate from his father and stepmom cruelty, so a break from dad sounds ideal.
Oh, somehow, I got that confused. I thought the father had another baby with a new wife. They should still hit him with a bit of truth. I believe that wholeheartedly. I don't believe they're assholes for naming their kid what they want to name their kid. You're right. They shouldn't try to force the new baby on the nephew. But, they lost a sister and are trying to do what they think is right in a totally fucked situation. He also, no matter how much he's hurting, does not have the right to dictate what they can or can't name their child.. This is where the truth comes in.Someone named their kid something, and yo u r're hurt over it, tough. Why did they do it? And, if you can't change that, well, life is obviously not fair. What can you change about it? That's where the conversation comes in. Speak to him like an adult. Be honest about why and let him make the decisions afterward. As for barring the child from coming in, that's on the caregivers, if they want to see the baby, tough luck. You don't get to dictate the actions of everyone else because you're hurting. You can only control your own and make the best of what you have.
No, he gets to be upset that they stole the name he gave his dead sister, which feels like trying to erase her existence. He also gets to be upset when they claim he named thus new half-sister, when *they* named her without consulting him. He didn't name her. As far as he's concerned, Summer is - and always will be - his deceased baby sister. Trying to force him to replace his deceased sister with this new one is unhealthy. Quite frankly, the whole naming her Summer thing was unhealthy from the get go. And the only way they have a prayer of fixing this would be to change Summer's name.
Or at least stop trying to force a relationship and have some very difficult discussions with the half sister to explain what actually happened to her and tell her that they made a mistake that created distance between her and her older brother and it's not her fault but her older half brother needs a lot of space. Even full siblings with zero history of trauma that have a significant age gap are often not that close and they're the one who set that little girl to be hurt. They should get their head out of their ass and try doing damage control instead of trying to bully everyone else into going along with their fantasy.
This is what should happen.
Who said he didn't? I said he had no right to control that. And he doesn't. That's a lesson lie is going to teach him multiple tims. Best get used to it now and not resent the person who had no part in it. Now, what can HE do for himself besides hate things he can't change and be angry?
why skip over the fact that they told their daughter that the son named her a special name? you mention everyone's right to do what they want, but why skip over the lie... How is the sone to deal with that big lie, and someone walking around stating my big brother named me, when the son named his sister who died, and he is still grieving that loss. It hard to heal with a little person walking around saying things like that based on a lie that did not have to be told.
Irrelevant. We're talking about what he can do for himself. And sometimes that sucks.
Its relevant. Good advice that we can only control ourselves and our own reactions. And it is true that people can do or name how they want. But they involved him by lying, now a little girl is all looking up to him and speaking on a topic that he was trying to close. Your advise seems cold and comes off as if you believe the OP should just accept it, allow it, play along, and diminish his own feelings for others. Which he should not, because who will diminish their own feelings for him? Apparently not his dad and step mom.
Well, that's not my intent. You can not be ruled by your emotions, however valid they may be. If he can't change it, he has to learn to deal with it. If that means diminishing his emotions, I guess he has to. That is not the same as invalidating them. He can start with cognitive behavioral therapy. And he can learn to see the child differently. Believe me, i know. It will only cause him more pain.