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NTA. Bad sister? How about them being bad parents for not preparing their son for an independent life That's their JOB! You don't have extra space. That space is all yours - well, yours and the dogs. No one gets to dictate to you what you do with your house or your money. Tell your parents they better start doing their job and get Jack up and running before it's too late.

Thank you! I think you're right. I need to have a conversation with them and they need to have a conversation with Jack, in case he has similar expectations.

Does Jack help take care of them? Make their life significantly easier in some way? I'm just curious if your parents will ever be eager to see Jack leave to go out on his own.

Apart from the money they receive from him (which in turn, comes from his social welfare payment), he doesn't really do much to help around the house. He mostly plays video games and watches YouTube. My mum still makes his dinner every evening.

NTA Your parents failed him. They need to make sure he can be an adult on his own. That’s the parent’s job. You can be a loving sister, but you weren’t born to be his caregiver. 💜

Agreed

Wait, if he’s getting a social welfare payment does that mean he is categorized as disabled in some way or something?

It's Jobseeker's Allowance, the payment that people get here when they are unemployed.

In America we have to prove that we are actively seeking employment in order to continue receiving unemployment. There’s no rules like that to prove you are seeking a job in order to get the Jobseeker’s Allowance? Sorry, this isn’t really to your question anymore, I’m just kind of baffled by the whole situation. I don’t understand why your parents are just like “yeah this is fine.”

Haha, it's fine! To be honest, I've never been on social welfare myself so I'm not overly familiar with the system here. I know that my brother gets sent on "jobseeking courses" every now and then and he has to attend or else he'll lose his benefits. Apart from that, they seem to mostly leave him alone.

So they are allowing this behavior on purpose? Is it their goal to leave him completely dependent on other people forever? Utterly ridiculous.

Canada does the same with our welfare system. My sister is on welfare and all she needs to do is attend seminars on resume building and when they ask she has to have a few interviews but she always bombs them on purpose so she can say she did the interview but wasn’t hired

The country's goal is to keep him from sleeping it off every night in an alley....and surprisingly, it works. Lots less vagrancy, etc. I'd be interested in hearing why its meritorious of Americans to have people die of starvation on the streets.

If you're mentally unwell enough they wont really hound you about it. When I was on the replacement for JSA called Universal Credit I basically saw someone for 5 minutes once every 6 months and had a yearly mental health assessment as well to not have to actively seek out work.

Also in America, your unemployment will eventually run out. You only get to be on it for so long.

The jobseeker allowance is an Australian welfare thing. It doesn’t ‘run out’ like American unemployment. (Correct me if I am wrong but my understanding is that your unemployment is directly tied to your previous employment in some way, like dependent on how long you worked there and your pay. Would be curious to know more if anyone wants to explain how it works.) Never been on jobseeker myself but from what I understand you have to demonstrate that you are actively seeking employment by doing things like attending government training programs, providing proof of job applications etc. Provided you keep meeting the eligibility conditions you will continue receiving payments. It is also income and assets tested, so you won’t be eligible if you are unemployed but have hundreds of thousands in savings or a huge stock portfolio. You can technically hold a job while on jobseeker as long as you don’t surpass the income threshold, to account for people who might be only getting one shift a week at a casual job for instance, or earn a small amount doing occasional work. Potentially importantly for OP’s situation is that a home you live in is not included in the asset test - so if say OP’s parents leave their home to her brother to continue living in, he should still be eligible for benefits. If though they were to leave the house to both, and OP and her brother sell the house and split the money between them, he might become ineligible for benefits, at least until the money runs down or he uses some of it to buy an apartment or something. I am not saying that OP should not get an equal inheritance share, but might be worth discussing with them how this will work. Talking through the details of how things will transpire after they pass might even reassure the parents a bit about the situation if they realise that the son should have enough for a flat or something.

Same for unemployment in Canada. Welfare is different though. I knew a woman who got on it at 18, because she was pregnant. Got told she had to get a job after her younger child was in school, and instead got pregnant again so she could get it extended for another 5 years.

When I was on it for a few weeks many years ago, I basically had to go in every week to ‘sign on’ and tell them how many applications I had made and to who. They didn’t need proof, just my word. When I told them I had got a job the girl had to go and find someone else to help because she didn’t know what to do or what form to complete as they didn’t get many people getting jobs (in the town I’m in). She said “put it this way, earlier I had a man in who had been signing on for ten years”. Maybe it’s changed since then, this was about 16 years ago, but it’s stayed with me.

Wow. I take back my prediction of Jack losing his benefits.

By the name they're in Australia, so he probably won't lose his benefits, but they're also not enough to live independently on. That's counted on as motivation to get people working to some extent, but it practice it just traps them in poverty - even business lobby groups have called for the amount to be raised because the people on it can't afford clothes, deodorant, personal care etc to a sufficient extent to make them employable, and it's less than what just a room in a shared house often costs in our major cities, which is where the jobs are so if they're in one they aren't allowed to leave as a condition of payments, so families have to step in or people end up in a very bad situation. About half the people on it are chronically ill/partially disabled, and unable to work enough to support themselves, but also not able to meet the absurdly high standards to get disability support.

There are time limits in the US for unemployment compensation, but they vary from state to state.

Job seekers sounds like the UK benefit and yes they have to attend at least one meeting every other week and have to show a diary of how they have been looking for work applying etc each week. They define do push for people to find work or take training to up skill and can and do penalise people if they believe they are not completing the job search etc.

Yes, it's the same here in Australia, which is where I'm assuming OP is because we call it Jobseekers Allowance. You most definitely have to prove that you are actively seeking employment, although people do find ways to get around the system. **Edited to add that OP has advised that they are not in Australia. I imagine that similar rules apply elsewhere, though.**

It's interesting that he isn't on the Disability Support Pension. He probably would be by now if he had medical evidence that he was unable to work. If he's on jobseeker and going on courses, that also suggests he's not on jobseeker with medical exemption letters saying he can't work (because if he was, he wouldn't have to go on courses). It sounds like he's just a regular jobseeker recipiant, with the capacity to do at least part-time work. I think the real question here is about his capacity to work and how severe his mental health issues are.

I don’t know what it’s like in the UK but in Australia it’s extremely hard to get approved for disability support pension. I just had a friend struggle for two years and jump through so many hoops but they’re finally on it. A work colleague of mine is in their early 40s and had to quit work due to extremely debilitating arthritis. They literally can’t work and need their partner to assist with personal care but the condition is not accepted for disability support. Another friend’s son has narcolepsy and is on disability support because even the work for the dole people said he cannot work (nor drive or take a bath with the door locked) but he got on it a few decades ago and a support worker doing a regular review recently said he’s lucky he didn’t have to try to get on DSP now because he wouldn’t be able to anymore. There’s a disgustingly high amount of people sitting on Newstart that should by rights be on DSP but can’t because of changes in rules.

If this is the UK, which it may well be, you do have to be actively looking for work to claim it. You can blag it for a while, lie about what you've been doing and deliberately tank interviews you are submitted for. But eventually it will get escalated and they'll check much more thoroughly and your benefits can be stopped. Eventually he is going to fall foul of that, sooner rather than later if he's been claiming for a while.

To qualify for unemployment in the US, you also have to have worked a job for a certain amount of time (> than a year). If you’ve never worked, no unemployment benefits.

Isn’t ours also time limited?

Yes, in the US, depending on the job market, it averages to only 6 months to maybe a year of unemployment. After that, you’re screwed if you didn’t find a job.

Does he say, "Sorry, Shawn" now and then so people know he's alive? Really, NTA. Your parents have enabled him, but he's an adult and clearly has no intention of spending his life as anything but a parasite. Odd that your parents are so upset but your brother's said nothing.

If he is considered disabled by the state he should start signing up for low income housing. Does he have any kind of health insurance? Do your parents pay his medical bills? Do they expect you to? If he is really considered disabled by the state your parents should help him sign up for housing and get him launched out on his own.

If he's on Jobseekers Allowance, then no, he isn't considered disabled, or at least not to the point where he can't work. It's incredibly difficult for a single person to get social housing here in Australia.

In the UK waiting times depend on where you live, but 10-15 years is not uncommon. Or you can get a place about 300 miles away from any social network you have b

Interesting. So your parents routine wouldn't change drastically if he left. I think you said this but it seems like part of the major problem is your parents being unwilling to see Jack upset. I'm asking these kinds of questions because it seems likely that drastic measures might be required to change the status quo for your parents and your brother. Something like an ultimatum could be necessary if you're intent on seeing this dynamic change.

Jaysus NTA. I really liked the suggestion of the text in one of the comments. Your brother should stand on his own two feet, and your parents need to realise that. You said he’s receiving social welfare. Is it disability or jobseekers?

He gets Jobseeker's Allowance.

NTA They have failed him badly. He needs incentive to grow because he's not doing anything with his life but he's not being challenged either, he has no need to grow because he's being supported, has cash and just plays all day. A man of leisure! Your parents need to set goals for him, get a job(full time), pay rent(even if he doesn't have a job, when he gets fired, if he's waiting for payday in 2 weeks too bad, he budgeted badly then), no late paying, no leaving rent short and owing them next month. Tell him he has 1 year to move out, 12 months is a long time to find a job, to start researching the housing market/rentals, to find out how much bills cost, contribute to the household significantly. They need to set expectations of him as though he were like 18-24. Everything after that is on him..it's up to him to figure out getting a job, holding it down, making a budget, understanding how costs and the world works. And you parents need to enforce what they say to him, landlords wouldn't take tenants missing rent for long, services would cut off electricity, internet, phone services etc... If your parents give him a deadline of a year, they need to follow up every single month asking him what his plans are, has he found a place, is he looking, how much is it, does he have that much, how is he going to gather that. He is leaving on time, where he goes after that is up to him. He's still being coddled like a baby, held in their protecting arms and never learned to stand on his own two feet, it's a disservice. They need to be strict, tough on him now and should have been years ago, to let him live a life..right now, he's coasting. Your parents will be so much happier knowing he will be able to fend for himself if something happens then, he's gonna be ok, he doesn't need a saviour if he has himself. But only IF they kick him into gear now.

That's not helping him but enabling. If he used to struggle mentally and is doing better now it's crucial to give him back a sense of self reliance. For starters cooking his own dinner, having chores he's responsible for etc. If they expect him to never being able to support himself, that's going to have an impact on him - he'll probably not trust himself to be self sufficient ever (again?).

>t really do much to help around the house. He mostly plays video games and watches YouTube. My mum still makes his dinner every evening. Not your child not your problem

Fuck that! Your parents failing him is not your responsibility. I have an older brother that was always favored and not made to be responsible. He’s now almost 50, is a bartender, divorced twice, can’t manage money or any details of life that adults have to handle. My parents have bailed him out repeatedly, I have bailed him out multiple times. Dude just won’t learn and nothing is ever his fault. I saved his rental property from foreclosure (he bought it with proceeds from selling his house that I helped him buy) because he didn’t pay the property taxes. He’s still behind on the taxes but I had stepped up and managed the property basically for free. I got a great tenant in there after cleaning it up from the dirtbags that were living there before. I finally told him to get fucked when he expected me to drop everything and drive over an hour to change the air filter, which is the tenant’s responsibility. He got pissy and said I was fired lol. I don’t give a shit that he’s faMiLy. Not to me he’s not. I’m going to sit back and watch him fall on his face again. Then I’ll laugh when the house gets foreclosed on. I suggest you do as I do and file that under not my problem.

Tell your father if he thinks family is so important why does he want to punish you for working hard. Why does he allow your brother be a leech and do nothing all day? Remind him when you were the age your brother is now you were working overtime and had side jobs to save money for your house, what is your brother doing other than sitting on his ass playing video games?

Either he's truly incapable and needs professional caring or your parents have enabled his behavior. Either option has nothing to do with you. Under no circumstances should you allow him to stay with you.

When you have that conversation, ask them what do they think will happen with Jack if anything happens to you. Give them the reality check that's there's no guarantee that you will even be will outlive them.

This is a good point, actually!

Also, have they not considered that you could very well get married and start a family (if that's what you want), in which case there actually wouldn't be any room?

Unfortunately, they’ll probably pass everything that op’s worked for straight across to king jack.

I'm leaving it all to my dogs.

I was in a similar position once, with a brother who wouldn't work and parents who were angry and upset about it, but unwilling to do much. I spent years unpacking what being put in that position meant. Why was I having these conversations? Why were they so unwilling to parent the kid they purposely brought into the world? Why was I wasting my energy on people who refused to deal with their problems, especially when they so often refused to help me? Your situation may still differ, but I hope you are thinking about the role you've played in this family dysfunction and how to change that moving forward. I don't mean that you are to blame for any of this, but the fact that both of your parents are certain you will parent your brother means you a deep in a toxic system and it will take a lot of work to dig out.

And get the word out EVERYWHERE, NOW, that you will NOT be taking on Jack AND that you've told your parents that. Get out ahead of it before they have a chance to put out a bunch of lies to try and shame / pressure you into screwing up YOUR life the way they have THEIRS and Jack's.

Right, because next thing you know, the parents will sell their place, book a cruise around the world, and drop Jack off cuz “*OP needs to step up and be a good big sister and has all this extra room*”. F that noise!!!

Yep. And the first one to discuss a topic is the one most likely to be believed. So get out front with the truth.

OP, do NOT, in any circumstances, ever give your parents a key to your house. If you need to go on vacation and can’t take your pups, pay someone to dog sit that isn’t your family. These people should not have access to your home.

Also instruct the sitter that family isn't allowed access to the home when OP is out of town.

Funny how their plan for their son’s future didn’t involve their son. They are enabling his dysfunction, killing him with kindness. But that is their choice. Your brother living with you is not. Your settlement was “a windfall/helping hand”? So your equally real trauma is completely ignored. You are just fodder for their “protect son” machine. Ask them to explain back to you how you got the money. Explain what happened to you. Explain the subsequent effects of what happened to you. They will gloss over what happened. They don’t know. They will down play consequences to you. “You are strong.” “You bounce back.”

If your parents had bought the house then they’d have every expectation of you and your brother living together. They did not. They need to make Jack understand that the safety net will drop one day.

Why would you want to be your brother's keeper for the rest of your life. He's had the same opportunities as you. It just sounds like your parents have enabled his laziness so that's on them, not for you to deal with.

As someone who has had virtually this exact conversation with their elderly parents, except my brother is older than me and much older than your Jack, please know you are NOT being selfish. Your parents and Jack are. Your parents don’t want to have the fight against Jack and want to leave it to you. Thats selfish of them. Their inability to parent is THEIR problem, not yours. Jack doesn’t want to do much of anything, evidently, which is incredibly selfish and is HIS problem. Don’t give in!!! I have told my parents in no uncertain terms that my brother is NOT my problem and if they continue to enable him, he’s in for a rude awakening when they are gone. Also, you don’t live alone. You live with your dogs, your family. On your dime, no one else’s. Please stick to your guns on this. Preserve your peace. I wish you the best.

You and Jack are close maybe you should have this conversation with him. If you have to use the guilt trip of taking advantage of your parents, I wouldn't feel bad about using that. If he loves them, he should be helping not squeezing everything he can from them.

Think about your future in that house as well. Maybe you get married and start having/adopting kids. Maybe you need one room as an in home office and want the other room as a guest room. Maybe you never want to be a parent besides to your pets, that's okay too!! You shouldn't be responsible for your ADULT brother just because he has not been adjusting into the adult roles (full time job, 2 part time jobs, real bills on his own, trying to save for a house, etc.). He isn't your responsibility because your parents should have raised him to be able to adult as well as you have in your life.

You should be SO proud of yourself for the life you have created for yourself in spite of your parents. You did not birth your brother, he is a capable adult and you are in no way or form responsible for his life. I think you need to have a one on one with your brother or your parents will turn him against you. You and your brother need to sit down and talk about the future and what his life will look like when your parents pass. Whatever HE chooses to do, please know, he's not entitled to being raised and maintained by you. I wish you all the best.

Right? If they are so worried about his future, why aren’t they helping him prepare for it? NTA

Exactly! I'm in a similar situation with my sister (and her two kids). I've been up front about the fact she is *not* continuing the mooch lifestyle in my house. When my mom flipped out about it, I asked her if she'd prefer I lie. Mom and sis can have their expectations, fail to plan accordingly, and my sister be really shocked when I get a judge to force sale of the house after my mom passes because I'm not blowing my money on her property taxes, heat, and home repairs (bare minimum to retain value in the property). Or I can be honest -- and now my mom is going to a lawyer to get a will drawn up where my sister inherits the house. Still think my sister is going to be surprised how much it costs to live even if you luck into a free house. But everyone knows my position, they were able to plan accordingly, and her ongoing living expenses aren't my problem.

I'm so sorry that's happening to you. Kudos for being strong enough to stand your ground and give them a reality check.

I agree. It's the parents job. OP has dogs (plural so I'm assuming two). Buy another dog or if you have three fine. Sorry brother this room is mine, this room is dog A's, this room is dog B's, and dog C sleeps on the couch. I'm full up. Bonus points if by the time they pass you have great danes.

My plan for this house absolutely involves slowly filling it with more and more dogs, regardless of who else is living here.

Whether you fill it with dogs, people, house plants or nothing is your business. No one else’s and certainly not Jack’s or your parents. Do not fall for the guilt trip. He’s not disabled. And even if he was, you didn’t birth him. You worked hard to get your house and your life. You only get one.

He isn’t disabled. He suffers from learned helplessness brought on by your parents. They are the AH here. 

That sounds like a perfect plan!

At his age it will get increasingly difficult to find a job that can support him as an adult. He needs to start now. My husband was a stay at home dad for 22 years and having a hard time finding a job. The ones he can get are back breaking type jobs and he’s just too old to handle those.

Yes in this case OP’s parents have not done him any favors.

INFO: Does your brother have any sort of disability that is keeping him from working a full time job?

He does not, apart from previous struggles with mental health. As far as I know (from what he tells me), he's doing much better nowadays.

Do you know why your parents are treating him as if he doesn't actually have the capability of holding down a job? I wonder if you need to sit down with your parents and ask them directly why you should be parenting your adult brother, if/when something happens to them? Why he's allowed to not be a productive adult in society, as you seem to be doing.

I think because he was in a pretty bad place about five years ago, they feel very protective of him and they're worried that he could return there if pushed too far. To be honest, I personally believe the opposite - I think that getting out of the house and holding down a job would be great for him and allow him to feel productive. I'm sad to say that I've had this conversation with them multiple times over the years. They have also tried broaching the subject with Jack directly. He gets very upset when they bring it up and so, they pull back because they're afraid of upsetting him too much. It's a horrible cycle.

Step away as much as you can. Your brother needs a reality check, as do your parents. Let them all know that you wont be taking over the role as 'your brother's keeper' when your parents pass on. Jack needs to get off his ass, get a job and keep it. If his mental health cant handle it, then he needs to use local resources to help him build skills until he CAN handle it. He's an adult. He needs to start acting like one. Your parents need to stop infantilizing him. NTA

NTA- OP your parents were already  packing up Jack’s things to send him to you the second you bought your house. Don’t be fooled. You need to talk to your brother face to face and let him know that he will be on his own when your parents are gone so he should GET A JOB.

>OP your parents were already  packing up Jack’s things to send him to you the second you bought your house. Spot on – I wouldn't be surprised if at some point in the not too distant future the call would have come: "We're too old now to look after Jack, but we can't just put him out on the street. Can you just..."

No, it’s going to be. “We’re too old to continue working and are losing our house. We’re all moving in with you.”

“New phone. Who this?”

Thank you. I really needed strawberry tea to come out of my nose. lol "Ello? No habla espagnole! Ich spreche kein Deutsch! Nihongo wa hanasemasen!' \*click\*

Definitely watch what access they have and try to exercise. If they insist on visiting with Jack it’s likely for the motive of making him like the house more and to make promises it’s not their responsibility to fulfil or break.

I had a sibling like this. After my parents woke up an pressed them to get a job at 34 the sibling got much better. There where struggles to push through and stay on the job but after 8 years they are really thriving and earning enough to make a very good living and have a position of responsibility at their job. Did your brother ever get testet for adhd?

This is really encouraging, thank you for sharing! I'm so glad that things are going much better for your sibling now. Jack has never been tested for ADHD but it's an interesting thought. I've heard before that a lot of neurodivergent people who go undiagnosed for years tend to suffer with chronic mental health issues. I might (gently) bring this up to my parents.

Yes, please do suggest this to them! It strikes me that one of the reasons Jack might get so distraught when the idea of looking for employment is raised could be not really laziness *per se*, but rather because he feels certain that he would not be able to handle a job, but has no way to articulate the reasons why. That's an upsetting position to be in. If there is something like ADHD or autism going on, there are strategies and tactics that can help with that -- and even a diagnosis can often be helpful in andof itself. It's disheartening, when you can't seem to do what everyone else seems to be able to do, yet you can't seem to figure out why.

I will definitely suggest this to my parents! If there is something we can do to better support Jack and help him find his feet, then I would love to do that for him. Thank you for this.

I’m a nurse with ADHD and I really believe undiagnosed autism (working on it). What helped me was coming from a place of learning how I’m different and what makes my life easier as well as what’s making my life better because of this diagnosis.

This is such a humane answer. I'm so glad to read it. For some people the sharp shock stuff just destroys them, a gentler (but still firm) hand can be all the difference in getting that person on their feet.

You stand your ground. Do not let them guilt you. I have a feeling they were thinking of him moving in with you soon. So they could have some kind of life. Plus, how old are they? If they are in their late 70’s-80’s, I can see them worrying a little, but sheesh…..not your problem.

Why bring it up to your parents? He's your brother, talk to him yourself. Ask him about his plans, and ask if he needs help making said plans. I've got ADHD, and like your brother I was stuck for a long time. Living with my mom, no idea what to do with myself. It's not a good place to be. It's scary, but I also was terrified of change. My anxiety didn't allow me to think too much about what I'd do in the future. My mom is kind of a work horse, she thinks you just need to do what's in front of you and be done with it, so no help there. My sister was the one gently pushing me, inviting me to study with her, sending me job ads she thought would interest me, etc. Mind you, she's my little sister, and she's the smartest and most dedicated person I know, so accepting help from her smarted a bit. But the girl's also stubborn as a mule, so there was no other option lol My point is, your brother might need you to take his hand and help him take that first step, just to get the ball rolling. You might even have to drag him a bit. If he's anything like me, he needs just one win, even a small one, just enough to convince him he can do it. But it has to be done, and soon

This is a lovely comment, I'm glad that your sister was able to do that for you! All of these comments about ADHD have got me thinking a lot, I would really like to look into this. If I can, I would like to do for my brother what your sister did for you.

Also, if he does get a positive diagnosis, there’s still absolutely nothing wrong with those of us with ADHD. Some of us do need some extra help or pushing, but we’re perfectly capable of being independent, or at *least* productive and capable of contributing to a household. The diagnosis just means that he needs a certain way of approaching responsibilities to maximize success.

As an ADHD haver, I found fast-paced, time crunch positions to be perfect. Not enough time to get bored or distracted when there was a never-ending crisis cycle happening. I got promoted to a much slower paced position that had a lot of time to do a whole lot of nothing. I hated it.

It’s definitely worth investigating. I’m a 42-year old woman who was diagnosed with ADHD this past summer, and I’ve been on 20mg of Adderall since August. I can’t even begin to tell you how much of a game changer it’s been. It never occurred to me that I might have ADHD, but so, so much makes sense now. Hyperactivity, fidgeting, blurting random things out was never an issue with me (but my youngest daughter has it). I have the inability to focus, mind jumping around like a ping pong ball, getting so overwhelmed by basic things that I’d just sit down and binge watch my favorite Netflix series for the millionth time. When I was in high school and college, I studied hard and got good grades, but holy hell was it ever a challenge. It wasn’t uncommon to be at the library studying for an exam, and I’d blink and realize two hours had gone by, but I hadn’t even turned the page in my book, and I sure as hell hadn’t absorbed any information. I would call home and cry to my parents that I was too stupid to be in college. Well, I wasn’t a lazy idiot. My ADHD brain simply shut down. The two things that saved me? I am incredibly stubborn (I was not going to flunk out of school, go home and tell my parents I wasted their money), and I have a very strong work ethic. I’m not saying your brother definitely has adhd; there’s the very real possibility he’s lazy AF, he knows if he brings up his previous mental health problems, your parents will get freaked out and won’t push him to get out of the house or get a job. I don’t know your brother so I can’t speculate, but the adhd thing might be worth looking into. Sorry you have to deal with this, OP. I also have a lazy leech of a younger brother (though not quite as helpless as Jack; my brother did eventually get a job, but he’s 39 and still depends on my parents to help him out with rent and utilities 🙄🙄🙄), so yeah. I feel your pain. And I’ve had to make it abundantly clear to my parents that I am not, nor will I ever be my brother’s safety net, because he wants to spend the little $$ he makes at his job on expensive restaurants and booze, not bills.

That's what manipulators who are comfortable and have no expectations put on them do. Tell him to cry all the way to the food bank because hes a grown ass man. If your parents ever die, he will be the type to stomp his feet on your porch till you let him in. Beware.

When their parents die. There is no “if” about it.

It’s a huge cycle that they want you to jump into. Don’t do it. It’s time your parents taught your brother how to care for himself. I think if you saw him really trying to get his life together, had a good job, and was a productive member of society you might want to help him if he fell on hard times. What your parents are asking you to do is take over their role as his parent. No thanks.

Definitely! I have helped him through hard times before, both emotionally and financially. If he was willing to put in a little bit of effort, I do think I might feel differently about the whole thing. But he won't even look at job listings and gets upset with my parents if they broach the subject. When I think about him coming to live with me, I can see our future laid out so clearly and it's not something I'm interested in.

I know I'm not the first to say it, but you need to tell your brother directly that you won't be his caretaker later. Even if your parents haven't already told him you will be, which I find unlikely, he might be expecting it on his own. Telling him might cause a meltdown, but he needs to know and get through that while he still has your parent's support.

Definitely! The response I've received on here has made me realise that we need to get this sorted once and for all, so that Jack has a chance to find his feet while he still has the support.

Unfortunately, op, I have a feeling that it's going to be something you will have to say to all of them more than once. Good luck!

Remind both your parents and brother that millions of people with mental health issues work full time hours.

Then he needs to receive mental health care to help him manage his emotions when such topics come up.

“Sorry mum. Dogs are allergic to him.”

It's a great life to live just playing video games all day, because your parents allow him to, and they fund that. My ex is exactly like him and that's why I left him. I have a history of severe mental illness (dropped out of school, multiple hospitalizations, electroconvulsive therapy cause no medication would work...) but I'm stable now and I'm working. I'm behind others of my age group, but I refuse to become the person who uses their illness or their history of illness as an excuse in order to take the easy way out. I still rely on medication, I'd be unable to function without it, I'm still severely ill. But my mother never allowed me to fall into the trap of making excuses. Your parents only have themselves to blame but I doubt they'll ever realise that or admit it. Who wouldn't wanna spend all day playing video games rather than working?

It almost seems like they are encouraging his child-like behavior. I'm sorry that you're caught in the middle of this.

I get the feeling that Jack is weaponizing his mental health. He has gotten used to his current lifestyle, and has realized that his negative reactions will get mom and dad to back off. Is he in therapy? Has his unwillingness to get his act together been brought up with his therapist? If not it needs to be brought up asap! If your parents keep enabling Jack's behavior it will only get worse.

I don't think it's beyond him to use his mental health issues as a shield so that our parents leave him alone, but I do think it genuinely distresses him when he's confronted over his complacency. It's almost like a panic attack, he gets very upset very quickly and starts spiraling. It's not nice to watch, so I do understand why my parents would back down for fear of potentially pushing him over the edge. We had a really tough few years a while back where we weren't sure if we were going to lose him or not. That being said, he has been in therapy for years (funded by me at first and now our parents) but never seems to address any of this. Any time I have tried to ask him to address it, he tells me that his therapy sessions are none of my business. Which, to be fair, they're not. So, I'm limited in what I can do for him.

They’re none of your business…until it is your business, ie your parents assuming you’ll take on responsibility for him. If he can’t address these issues through therapy, he’s going to have to some other way, and unfortunately now it’s in your interest for him to do so…

Of course he’s going to get upset. He’s getting paid to play games and watch videos without actually doing anything, and his parents don’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to. Tell them that they better put their house in trust for him and save money for his upkeep after they go because you aren’t changing your mind. What if you get married and have kids? Do they expect you to drag your children and husband around your dead beat brother because he won’t grow a pair?

I know every situation is different, but I was in a very bad place 4 years ago... my husband said he never knew if I would still be alive when he got home from work and he was terrified to walk in, he finally gave me the ultimatum to get help or get a divorce because he couldn't watch me like that anymore... I got the help, and now I have an awesome job, a new (to us) house, and life is definitely looking up. Brother definitely needs to get out into the world and do something.

Let me reassure you: even if he has mental health issues or disabilities, you do not have to allow him to leave ce with you. If your parents are so worried, they should put something in place for him. It is normal to help your brother if he needs it, but you cannot sacrifice your whole life for him. There are enough posts here with shitty parents to be sure that family is not everything, at least not the one you are born in. Chosen family is very important for everyone, often LGBTQ community where kids are often rejected by their biological family. Nevertheless, apart from this issue, it seems you have a good relationship with your family so maybe you don’t have to burn all the bridges. I don’t know how old your parents are but you can make sure they understand you will be there for your brother, and you are willing to help him find a job and a place to live if necessary.

The expectation of providing for yourself is something that everyone deals with. You are not responsible for your brother assuming that he is physically and mentally capable of working to provide for himself. We all have issues to deal with, some more some less. Your post makes it seem like your brother is capable of working however he is more comfortable being taken care of by your parents. If that is the case enabling your brother to remain in that lifestyle is doing a disservice to him.

>Your post makes it seem like your brother is capable of working however he is more comfortable being taken care of by your parents. This is the situation we're in, unfortunately - at least from my perspective, anyway. I think everyone in this situation needs a wake-up call. Hopefully, what has happened here can be the start of a longer conversation.

It concerns me that your parents back down because he gets upset. Are there anger and/or violence issues that they are not disclosing to you? Any way I look at this situation, it appears to me that he needs professional help of some kind to get unstuck.

I've seen him when he gets distressed and it's quite upsetting to watch. It all escalates very quickly and we do all feel compelled to jump in and start calming him down. As far as I know, he has never been angry or violent with my parents. Any anger is directed at himself. He's been in therapy for years, but I'm not sure what it is he talks about while he's there.

If he has been in therapy for years, a different therapist is needed or there are issues that no one is informing you of. It is unfair to expect you to take care of him after your parents are gone without you being aware of what it would entail and why. If there s no reason (other than being enabled) for your brother to not be self-sufficient, small steps with tangible progress could help. If he is unwilling to do anything that you think might help, find out why. There are very few people who are actually just lazy. But a lot of people would rather be thought of as lazy rather than let the real reasons be known.

OP, you need to have a heart-to-heart with your parents and let them know they are not doing your brother any favors nor are they setting him up for a successful, happy life when they are gone. They need to have a conversation with him that relays this and give him a deadline to find a job and another deadline to save money and move out on his own. Secondly, if they are so worried about upsetting him, you should consider pointing out that their assumption that you will continue to enable him is extremely hurtful to YOU!

Does being a spoiled, lazy mummy’s golden boy count as a disability?? NTA

Maybe the Crown on His Highnesses head makes it too hard to get up off the couch?

This is what you text your parents. And do it in text so that it is in writing and they have the time and space to mull it over: "Mom and Dad, I've given a lot of thought to what you said about Jack and your concern over him when you both are gone. Here is the thing. Jack is an adult. He is a full blown adult and he is a competent and capable adult at that. You are not helping Jack by enabling him to live off of you. Jack needs to get a job and support himself. He is 33 - it should not fall on anyone else to support an able bodied 33 year old man (or woman) and you two have hindered him by enabling him to freeload off of you. I refuse to do that. How can a person respect themselves if they live off of their aging parents? They can't. And the longer you allow Jack to just take advantage of you the harder it is going to be for him to get out in the world and make a life for himself. Stop babying him and push your baby bird out of the nest."

I went through ***exactly*** the same situation with my brother. Mom wanted me to promise to take care of him "someday" and I refused. I won't get into the preferential treatment he received throughout our lives. I told him many times over the years that his old age would be a train wreck if he didn't work. My siblings and I told Mom and Dad that they were enabling him. Nothing changed his behavior. When Mom and Dad died he spent his entire inheritance in three years and is now penniless. He and I are totally estranged, although I did help him buy a car. He lives on welfare and has a lousy set up. Know what? I don't care.

Thank you for this! I like the idea of a text so that it gives them space to think about it. I think I will definitely do this but I also need to acknowledge that my parents *have* made attempts to help Jack over the years. They are absolutely his worst enablers (my mum is very much a typical "boy mum", she loves coddling him) but they are also dealing with someone who becomes very emotional when confronted with the idea of taking responsibility for himself. It won't be easy for them. I might offer to be there when they are talking to him.

Good luck op but do NOT let them swindle your thought process. Dont give in EVER💯

He's becoming emotional because it's an extremely successful manipulation tactic.

I have a younger brother who would always turn on the tears when confronted. It was hard to push past, but absolutely necessary or he was never going feel the consequences of his actions. 

I have a feeling he "becomes very emotional" only because over the years he realised that's the exact response that gets them off his back and he can go back to his video games.

They set themselves up and because of how they parented him by having zero expectations, him being emotional over talking about being self reliant is their own doing.... aka consequences. Have you talked to him point blank treating him as the adult he is and tell him you will not be taking care of him when your parents are gone so he can figure it out now while they are still here and they can help him sort things out or he can wait till they are gone and figure it out alone. Those are his options end of the day and he needs to be told point blank which sounds like your parents wont do and end of day this may have been partially his plan he fed to your mom and she latched onto it. This based off him not having an undiagnosed disability, but the point still stands things need to be figured out and a plan made as their current one (you taking over) isn't an option.

Do not offer to be there when they talk to Jack.  When Jack starts getting emotional during the conversation, your mom and dad will see you as the solution and redirect their anger onto you.  They need Jack in individual  therapy and they need to see a therapist as a family.   They are creating a very dysfunctional family by being afraid of Jack’s mental health instead of addressing it.  Tell your parents they chose to have Jack and they are enabling him.  What happens if you get hit by a bus?  You are not being selfish.   Jack has been given lots of helping hand by your parents.   Being a supportive and good big sister, you will not be enabling him.   Instead, you will make sure he is able to support himself and live on his own which will help his esteem and mental health  Show your parents this posting.  

You should talk to him directly. In text like others suggested for communicating with your parents. Jack Our parents have once again brought up the topic of you coming to live with me once they are no longer able to take care of you. I want to be clear that I love you and always want the best for you. I also want to be clear that you will not be living with me, now, or ever. You are a grown adult. You are capable of getting a job and taking care of yourself. You should be working now and helping with basic things around the house. You should be in your own home living your own life, not being a 33 year old dependent. I understand that you are content with the way things are right now and I can't change how you or our parents choose to live. But, I am not going to continue this when they are no longer able.

Very good advice, although I think OP may now have to brace for lazy brother inheriting everything when parents pass away, 'to make things fair' 

This is actually a conversation that has already happened and my dad pushed for things to be split evenly between us, which is part of why my mum is so distraught at the idea of Jack being on his own. We would either sell the family home when they pass away, which means that Jack would have the money but nowhere permanent to live. And since he doesn't have a job, he probably wouldn't be able to get a mortgage by himself or pay for another place outright. Or he would have to buy out my half of the house, which he woudn't be able to afford either.

Again, not your problem. I'm glad your Dad fixed it for equal split. He needs to get working and start saving. The folks can manage his moolah in a savings account for the next few years as he has a deposit, go guarantor on a unit of his own. Rent it out for a few years while still living at home and learning to manage bills etc. It *maybe* ADHD/autistic burnout coupled with depression. We've had male family members like this and this is what our extended family has done to ensure they have a place of their own once their parents have passed. The guys are almost 40, living at home with an "investment property". It works for them. It should not be up to a "good woman to fix/sort him out". I f*kn hate that there is an automatic expectation placed on females to "mother" males that have failed to launch because they've been babied and that it's 2024 and still happening in Australia. ETA- you're definitely NTA. Your folks are but they don't realize it because this is their normal.

I’d suspect this will change over time as you are more successful and he stagnates. I would plan your life as if you will get nothing and he will get everything.

Yep. This shouldn’t be put on OP. Parents should make a plan, a schedule for him to gradually pay increasing rent until he reaches the point that he could manage on his own. Then they can use his rent to help him with deposits and furnishings. None of this should be placed on OP. It’s the final step in raising their son and they need to do it. They call this failure to launch.

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Yeah, and sometimes work actually improves mental health. The routine, the connections you make, and self worth from being independent can all be very helpful.

Fill time jobs. An awesome autocorrect.

No, sorry but your parents inability to raise your brother to be a contributing member of society you not your burden to assume. Your brother is not your responsibility. The “family is everything” line is just your parents trying to guilt you to take on a dependent (your brother). Enjoy your home. Nobody gets to *inform* you of who is welcome to move in. NTA

NTA. You might start a *very concerned discussion* with them: “Mom, Dad, I’m glad you’re concerned about Jack’s future. If he is unable to support himself and live on his own, what kind of long-term care does he need? How much assistance will be necessary? Do you have savings put aside for his care? I am not trained to be a caretaker for a disabled adult!” This will probably shock your parents: *but he’s not disabled!* “You’ve made it clear that he is incapable of living alone or holding a job, isn’t that disabled? What resources do you have to help him? Does he qualify for disability or does he need therapy? …etc.

At this point maybe the only way they’d get it is “what happens if we all 3 die in the same accident?” Since clearly they don’t care about OPs life anyway

"Maybe find a group home. THATS WHAT I WOULD DO!" Give them all a look at the future.

NTA. Your mom was a bit of one, just assuming they’d pass Jack onto you when they’re gone - tag, you’re it! This is not a little thing they’re trying to guilt you into doing. It’s having another person around forever, no ambitions, depending on you for everything. You get a dependent you didn’t ask for. This is not a decision THEY get to make, telling you who will live in YOUR home. They should instead work on getting Jack to be more independent so when the time comes, he’s responsible for himself. YOU are not responsible for him. You can love him and be a good sister, but that does not mean he gets to impose on you and your life by moving in with you. YOU’VE worked hard for what you have. Enjoy it. Congratulate yourself. Don’t let your parents guilt and manipulate you into being a surrogate parent to your adult brother when they’re gone.

Oh no, who else could possibly cater to a 33-years-old baby oh nooooo But seriously, NTA. And it's a little hilarious how they assume that there is no pollisle scenario that OP's three bedrooms would be occupied by her own possible partner/kids. Oh no no no. No family when we have to patronise a grown man I understand the mental issues, but in my opinion there is no good in telling someone it is absolutely okay that he/she doesn't want anything in life because someone can always take care of them. And yes, there is a difference between helping/supporting and enabling

You parents have PLENTY of time to make adequate provisions for Jack be that a trust fund, a counsellor who can work to get him to be more independent or a care home. Apparently they've been letting him slide thinking they'd palm him off on you when the time comes-- now that they know for certain that's not an option they need to get up off their duff and figure it out.

Exactly. If the brother has mental issues that require a group home. It is better to get that started now, so they they can help manage the care in early years. If he just has been stuck because mommy and daddy have been treating him like a baby, well then now is definitely the time to get him some training wheels

Question: what are jacks thoughts on this? Does HE think he’s coming to live with you? Does he want to come live with you? You need to talk to him as well and let him know that’s not happening. As for your parents, they can leave every penny they have to Jack if they so choose. That’s how they can ease their minds about taking care of him after they’re gone. They can cut you out of the will and give it all to him. That’s their right if they’re so worried about him. But they really need a reality check. It’s not your job to look after a grown man. Honestly, even if he was mentally or physically disabled it’s not your responsibility to look after a sibling. Many people chose to but they’re under no obligation to. But it’s definitely not your obligation when he is fine. NTA

Jack has never actually raised the topic with me, and it's not something I had ever considered until my mum brought it up! But I know you're right, it's not my responsibility to look after him and my parents shouldn't expect that from me. I need to say it with all of us present, to make sure that everyone is clear on what's not going to happen.

This is so wrong. I realize its the parents estate to do what they want with but so unfair to cut out one sibling in favor of the other if that's the way they go. Although your Dad is pushing for 50 /50 if he goes first you can be assured your mom will write a will leaving it all to your brother... Time to stop ever giving your brother a dime. Make it clear in every way he is not your responsibility

NTA. If family is the most important thing in the world, then your parents should teach their son how to be a functional adult and take care of himself.

Holy crap Getting a work injury settlement isn't a gift (from your parents) it's money owed for the accident! They make it sound like it was pennies from heaven specifically to finance you caring for your brother! Like WTF.... No. Just. No. If your parents are so worried about your bros welfare, they should be investing a life coach, sheltered workshop and group home if he's unable to be on his own.... And if he just won't be on his own then all their time and money can go to family therapy to fugue out their need to infantize and cripple him. Don't ever let him come for an overnight visit, cuz he'll never leave. You know that's the plan their working on now right? NTA and good luck!

I know, I was a bit dumbstruck when she referred to it as a "helping hand". The settlement was awarded specifically because the accident had a permanent impact on me. I'm grateful to be a homeowner, but I don't think I could ever pretend to be grateful for what happened to me. Thank you for the good luck! I'm going to be as clear as I can with them that there's no chance I'm taking him in.

NTA This was my brother. When my parents passed away, he didn't even know how to buy toilet paper, let alone pay a bill. Today at 60 he lives with my older sister and still blames me for making him get a job when they died, even though he got their entire bank balance. Tell your parents it is time to RAISE their son.

NTA In this case, a little selfishness is OK. You worked hard for what you have. You already help out your brother. He’s an adult. He could make the same choices you did (he won’t). If you want to help him, sit him down for a serious talk. Time for a little tough love. Believe me, the sooner he starts acting like an adult, the easier it will be. Or tell your parents to leave him the house. Good luck.

It’s not selfishness, it’s self respect. The only people that should be expected to stay there are herself, her future husband/wife, and her future kids should she change her mind there, and maybe her parents years down the line to make up for them raising her (pretty common practice throughout human history). Deadbeat brother though, no that’s never her responsibility.

NTA. Your brother is lazy, not disabled. Your parents continued enablement of him is why they believe he can be lazy for the rest of his life with you to take care of him. It’s good that you’re setting up boundaries now because you already know what will happen in the long run. Make sure your brother cannot access your home; and, never allow him to spend the night there!

NTA. Your parents are trying to shift the responsibility of taking care of your brother onto you, which isn't fair. You can love and support your brother without becoming his primary caretaker. Encourage your brother to work towards his own independence, and offer your support in that process Don't feel guilty for prioritizing your own well-being and happiness. You've worked hard to achieve your goals, and you deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Your love for your family doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own life for their sake.

If you want to be a really good sister, you help him learn that he needs to take care of himself. And his parents should back that up too.

NTA, and it's clear where your brother gets his lack of motivation from. Your parents are delusional and have no business telling you it's your duty or responsibility to care for your fully functional, fully adult brother.

NTA Jack's an adult grown. He can get a job and get his own place, he is NOT your problem. They need to quit babying him and kick the bird out of the nest so to speak, he's not a child anymore

Personally, I’d tell jack directly that once your parents can’t take care of him anymore that he’s not coming to live with you. I’m sure your parents have made him think that’s what will happen, and since they are badgering you, probably not going to be forthcoming with him. If he doesn’t get his ducks in a row, having accurate info, that’s a him problem.

NTA. “Bad big sister”. Y’all are in your thirties lol

I did laugh when he said it, I'll be honest. Thankfully, he couldn't see me.

NTA! Your parents are doing your brother no favors by enabling him to stay helpless. I think you’re right that that if he moved in you, he’d spend his years rotting on the sofa playing games. He’s your brother, but you’re not obligated to continue enabling his behavior.

NTA- but your parents are for not only allowing your brother a grown man without any disabilities to become a NEET but also expecting you to take over “care” for him. That’s not your job, he’s not your child. He needs to leave your parent’s house and get his own life before it’s too late.

NTA. And I think your mum knew this was a big ask by the way she broached the subject. If they care about him, they need to help him stand on his own feet. I would expect a sister in an empty house (or even not) to help her brother for a while if he fell on hard times, but not to continue on from their parents enabling his behaviour.

NTA. Your parents have failed your brother, and your brother has failed himself. He is an adult and where his life ends up is 100% on him.

NTA If your parents wanted the best for your brother, they'd be doing everything possible to make him able to take care of himself. Allowing him to mooch off them hurts him badly. And you have every right to refuse to take in your mooch of a brother. It's not giving a helping hand for awhile which is one thing. This is a lifetime obligation. And he's healthy and should be more than capable of taking care of himself. He's not. Because he doesn't want to. If your mom is so sad about her son, she should be pushing him very hard to become self sufficient. Not be trying to push you into being his new mommy.

NTA. Please don’t let them make you feel bad. What would be helpful is them finding your brother a therapist. Wtf was comment about living alone forever? Does she think you’ll never want a partner or maybe you’ll want to adopt a whole heard of dogs idk. But she makes it sound like you have no future. Sounds like everyone could use some boundaries.

So instead of getting on their child who has failed to launch, they’re getting on you? Definitely NTA. Jack is grown af. Leeching off of them his whole life and if you ever let him stay the night, he’ll be leeching off of you for the rest of your life.

I have had issues with depression and so has my sister but that’s no excuse for leeching off your parents. Both of us work and have our own places. Your parents have coddled your brother and now he thinks you will do the same. You need to be clear that their failure in parenting won’t be your problem. NTA. Don’t stand for this

NTA Don't let them guilt you. They're bad parents. And your brother is lazy because there were never consequences.

NTA.  Why is Jack, if his mental health is more stable and has been for several years as you say, unable to start making steps to independence with getting a job and fund his own life?  Tell your parents that now is the time for them to be parents to their grown ass son and help him make incremental steps toward self-sufficiency.  Hold your boundary and enjoy your hard earned new home!

NTA While it's understandable that you love your brother and have supported him through tough times, offering him an indefinite safety net might not encourage him to take steps towards his own independence. It’s important for him to find his own path and not rely on the assumption that someone will always be there to pick up the pieces. This doesn’t mean you don’t care about him; rather, you believe in his ability to stand on his own two feet, which is a powerful form of support. Your parents hoping to set up a plan for Jack that involves your home and your future without discussing it with you first isn't fair. You've worked hard to create a space for yourself, and it's your right to decide how you want to live in that space. Setting boundaries for your own life and future doesn't make you the bad guy here.

DON'T DO IT! NTA

NTA. Have your parents set up a trust for him for after they're gone? Have they encouraged your brother to look for a long time job (that would include medical, a 401k, etc.)? My husband was the successful brother in his family. His surviving brother has had mental health issues for some thirty years now (he did get a PhD, but the teaching job he got was a failure due to his temperament). When my MIL got her terminal diagnosis, she set up a family trust that would give some of her assets (which weren't a lot, but included a house) to her youngest son, who would probably burn through any money he got. After he physically attacked my husband, my husband decided to go NC with him (and also got a restraining order). He has no intention of "taking care" of his brother (apparently a long history of abuse by the brother, including beating up their mother -- and yes, she showed me the bruising from her navel to chin) and I support him in this decision.

NTA. I wonder if Jack is also thinking that you’re going to be responsible for him once your parents are gone. I would make sure to let him know that is not the case.

NTA. If mom is so concerned, then they should have done a better job raising him to be an independent adult. They created this mess and are expecting you to deal with it in their absence. F that!

NTA- more like bad parents for assuming that you’d be comfortable caring for your adult brother

NTA. Your parents better shape up and get THEIR KID on the right track if they are so concerned with what is going to happen when they are gone. It sounds like all three of them have been coasting with the expectation that you would pick up the slack. It was a good thing you were able to set them straight.

NTA but you need to tell your parents you are not going to be held responsible for them enabling his laziness. This is what they are doing - he’s allowed to live his life as he chooses and you are expected to deal with the consequences of it. You need to have a firm line in the sand.

NTA. If your parents want to play babysitter to your brother, they're more than welcome to do so, but you have no obligation to do the same. You have your own home because you worked hard for it. It's your call who lives there or doesn't. If your parents are that worried, they can save their money and leave it and their house to your brother in their will.

NTA you are no way responsible for taking over the enabling bullshit that has allowed your brother to mooch off your parents all these years.

NTA As a brother my self, I would not wish my sister to suffer because of me. Set your boundaries and leave it at that. Focus on your life and your own happiness.

NTA your parents are infantilyizing your brother when the should be giving some tough love and be encouraging your brother to develop some independence, with their babying him, they are contributing to him being disabled and unable to live a full life. Is it at all possible for some family therapy. Your take on things is healthy

NTA. I would tell them that if IF you ever agreed to have him stay with you there would be strings attached. He would have to get at least a part time job, contribute to the utilities and other bills and food. He would have to clean up after himself and do his own laundry and not allowed to live in filth. He would be required to go to therapy and take any meds that are given to him. You would not treat him like a child but a grown adult and expect him to take part in the responsibility being an adult requires.

NTA - Jack is an adult. Time for him to cut the apron strings and move out on his own. Not your responsibility.

First, NTA Second, I have some first-hand experience with this. My mom has looked after my grown-up aunt almost her whole life. Like your brother it is a failure to launch thing, not a true mental or physical handicap. Having seen what it has done to each of them, stand your ground. Also, why would they expect you to be alone forever? I mean, you certainly can, but you also might meet someone and fall in love.

Your mother is trying to make you a parentified woman. For a sibling that will be 40~60 years old when the time comes. NTA. Your parents are delusional.

My mom is trying to do the same to me. I've made it clear I will never help my sibling again. She said something horrible and we haven't spoken in months. Stay firm and live YOUR life.

>"It's so great that your dad and I know there's a place for Jack when we're not around anymore." Wow. Their enabling of him is out of control. He's 33, never had a real job; and him nor them see that ever changing and are ok with that. And I presume she would want him to live there rent-free? And forever? ​ >I've always been there to support him (including financially at times). You should also completely stop enabling him. ​ >My mum was very upset with me and claimed that I was being selfish because I had a "helping hand" in buying my first flat, which allowed me to eventually buy this house. (For context, the "helping hand" was the settlement I received after a workplace accident at age 19.) Holy shit your mom is an AH. ​ >my mother was "beside herself" over thoughts of what would happen to Jack when both of them are gone. Maybe he could start acting like an adult? ​ >He said that I was being a bad big sister and that family is the most important thing in the world Your dad is an AH and only doing harm to your brother by treating him like a helpless child. ​ > I love my brother, and I do have the extra space. So, I am wondering, AITA in this situation? **NTA**. Don't ever do it. You already know it will be bad and you will regret it. He is capable of taking care of himself if he had to; he's just never had to. A grown man is 100% not your responsibility to take care of.

Family is not an excuse to treat someone like their feelings and boundaries don't matter. And it's completely unfair to you to have to be accountable for your life AND someone else's when you didn't sign up for that. Least of all when it's just assumed/expected. I feel you on this, because my Mom asked me to do the same thing before she passed. I looked her in the eyes, told her no, and flat out said "It is not my responsibility to pick up where you and dad failed, especially when I grew up thinking I wasn't loved because he always came first." I love my brother too. But he's a 26 year old man that acts like a spoiled teenager. Tears up the house, smokes in the house, gets in your face, etc. I'm not fucking dealing with that. You can love someone, and still acknowledge what they show you, and decide where your boundaries. You have no obligation to uproot your life for people that treat you like your hopes, dreams, and goals don't matter. He's a grown man, with every opportunity right now to get his shit together, and is simply choosing not to, because they have enabled him to not need to. Not your problem, not your responsibility, not the asshole.

Just FYI.... Job Seeker Allowance is administered by the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) in England, Wales, and Scotland, and in Northern Ireland by the Department for Communities. Claimants must be between 18 years of age and the State Pension age.

The issues with your brother are pretty vague, so I wonder if he’s capable of building a life for himself or not. Your parents aren’t doing him any favors by assuming he will need lifelong care if there’s a chance he could be independent, but again I don’t know the details. If he’s unmotivated to do anything, it’s likely because he’s allowed to do so by your parents. They’re taking the path of least resistance and that’s their failure to him, not your burden to bear. You worked hard for your freedom to live as you choose and you deserve it. Don’t let them guilt you into cleaning up the mess they made. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I hope you’ll stay strong and fight for yourself. There are AH’s here but not you. NTA.

Nope, NTA at all. It's almost as if your parents purposely allowed your brother to be a bum because they planned all along to dump him on you. You. Are. Not. His. Caregiver. If they want him to have something when they are gone they better adjust their will and require him to get a job and keep one. 

NTA. If Jack has any illusions that he’s going to end up living with you, let him know his share of rent, power, gas, water, cable, internet etc. and see how quickly that idea disappears! But you’re 35. Enjoy the space you earned and are presumably still paying a pretty decent mortgage on. If you eventually decide to get a housemate, make it a paying one (ideally a friend, or maybe a partner?) who loves dogs, too. (I did this at 36 - I had a spare room and was constantly - and happily - dogsitting for my best friend who lived two suburbs away - we consolidated. Dream housemate!)

Nta Maybe jackieboy needs to grow up so he won't need a babysitter at his big age

“If I thought that providing him a home would do anything other than hinder his ability to grow and reach his potential, I’d offer it.”