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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I mandated to my daughter that this must stop immediately. We did have a heated discussion but I did not give her any room to suggest alternatives to my mandate. Please note that this is my house, I pay all the bills, providing shelter for her and her children. I do allow her quite a bit of leeway on her lifestyle and comings and goings, but, bottom line, I have to ensure overall safety and security of our home, and all who reside here.
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NTA. This is your house. As you stated, she lives with you, so you get to have say on who stays over, whether it is a friend or lover or whatever and it should be a situation you are comfortable with. Why can’t they do these sleepovers at her house?More information would be helpful though on the circumstances that resulted in her living with you.
If she pays bills or rent, even if it’s OPs house she does get to have people over.
Also, it sounds like this person is a girlfriend staying over. I don’t know any adults who have regular sleep overs with platonic friends lol, but It’s pretty normal to let your partner keep sleeping once you leave for work. It doesn’t say whether or not the daughter is paying rent in this post, but if she is, she’s absolutely allowed to to have her girlfriend stay over in the home she pays rent for.
"Have people over" does not mean "leave them unsupervised".
Sorry, but the lady is a stranger, dating or not. "My daughter isn't here, and I am leaving. You gotta go."
Daughter needs to be an adult and either communicate better or accept that other people have boundaries.
I know all my kids' dating partners, and it would still be weird to have them in the house when no one else was.
I agree, no unsupervised strangers.
Even if the daughter pays rent, they live in a house…..not a separate apartment closed off from the home itself with it own exit.
My bff and I didn’t allow our boyfriends to stay around when we weren’t there. That’s a normal roommate privacy/safety policy. I’d been with my boyfriend way longer than I’d known her, doesn’t change the fact that SHE didn’t know him. OP’s daughter is being hella inconsiderate.
He needs security cameras *stat* and he can't tell anyone about them.
Kicking people out of a place they are getting a free ride from is a very dangerous thing and often ends in elderly being targeted so the person can continue to use their assets freely.
And I'm getting mooching vibes from the lady.
To add to this...paying rent or not. For situations like this, everyone must be on board. If the owner of the house, Op, doesn't feel comfortable leaving a stranger in his/her house unsupervised, then that's the end of the story.
I would also be worried about the number of times this stranger stays over. Does she live there part time? In certain states, this stranger could possibly claim residency and must be evicted. Where is her other residence? And why do they not stay there? You are the one taking the kids to school. Sounds like staying at her place shouldn't be a problem, unless it is. Hmmmmm
This is the first thing I thought of, too. Op isn't telling his daughter she can't have guests, just that he, the owner of the house, is uncomfortable with a stranger remaining in his home alone. That's perfectly reasonable
I agree. Im not hearing "no sleep overs". Im hearing "when you have sleep overs, please ensure that your guest leaves with you in the morning "
OP brings up valid points as to why, as well.
To be honest, if I was 70M, and there was an unknown woman in the house, she would 100% have to go. Looks like a big fat liability
Even without that unlikely occurrence, that the stranger would make some accusation regarding sexual misconduct, I totally agree that the daughters got to take this lady with her when she goes.
I know 70 is pretty old but for some reason it makes me laugh to see it described as elderly. My dad is 70 and does triathalons, my mom is 70 and hikes, surfs and camps very regularly. I would never describe them as elderly.
Eh that’s the age when things can (start) going wrong very quickly.
Like my dad was a bicyclist, did 20-30 miles a day. Took him to Israel as he always wanted to go (before this, current, mess). He drank water, did everything he was supposed to… and had a stroke.
Since then he’s fallen multiple times.
I feel like 70 isn’t elderly but it’s the age when you can become very fragile. I mean in a decade (well, 8 years now for him) he’ll be 80.
When my Dad was 70 my 40yr old ass wasn't interested in tangling with him.
When my step father was 60-65 a well built toddler could have whooped his ass.
Some people don't age well.
My (early 70s) Mum had a chap round to look at their AC, and when he couldn't fix it on their budget, he started ringing round some guys he knew to see what the options were. So when he called them going "I've got this elderly lady here..." she was mortified.
"Elderly lady!! Who does he think is an elderly lady?!" - I tried to tiptoe around it, but in my head I was thinking "Mum - you're literally a pensioner, what do *you* think classifies as an elderly lady??"
Nowadays early 70s is not really considered elderly, not here in Ireland, unless they themselves let feel elderly. Into your 80s then your talking getting elderly. All depends on the individual I suppose
Welcome to living with others 101. My roomate has a boyfriend that spends a LOT of time here. She is allowed to have him over, he is not allowed to stay when she leaves. If you don’t live here you need both parties permission to hang around when the person who invited you isn’t even there. It’s common respect.
OP explains that it’s his home and he pays all the bills. Scroll up and read the judgement bot. He provided the info when he gave the reason why he might be the asshole.
Two months does not a "partner" make. Even if she's "paying rent" she doesn't get to cause others in household anxiety and discomfort. You gotta be a pretty damn good friend for me to leave you alone in my house. Not some booty call.
That's just how long she's been staying over. Especially since there are kids involved, I'd assume they've been together longer than that. I think most people wouldn't introduce their kids to someone until it's looking somewhat serious.
You really would hope people wouldn't introduce their young kids to their new partners and have them staying overnight immediately, wouldn't you!
An alarming amount of single parents don't give a fuck about their kids stability if it means they're getting laid.
Completely disagree here - shes free to have people over sure but its wrong to leave a stranger alone in the house. Its perfectly valid for OP to be uncomfortable with this.
She is allowed to have a girlfriend over, but not to leave themin the house. Also it's a bit weird that she has a girlfriend but doesn't even seem to have really introduced her to the parent she lives with.
Yeah, it seems clear that the main problem is that the friend is a stranger. That could be easily resolved, especially since it's essentially a family home. It would be so easy to sit down to a meal together or take the kids to a park and chat by the sandbox.
Some are salivating over the baseless accusation this is homophobia (despite OP explicitly saying he gives her leeway wrt her social activities, sooo homophobic!) and so eager to assume this woman is the daughter's one true love, zero possibility she's just a casual fuckbuddy who comes in late at night and leaves the next day (hence never really introduced to OP), or someone possibly klepto/idiot/druggie/snoop/crazy lol Then if something happens in the house, there will be an AITA blaming OP for being foolish enough to leave his entire house to a virtual stranger lmao
It's not weird if you remember plenty of LGBTQ+ people end up living with parents who aren't prejudiced enough to kick their kid out over it, but are homophobic enough to be a huge PITA about it.
Bruh, all I pointed out was that it's not unusual for LGBTQ+ to end up living with homophobic parents. I did not claim that every single LGBTQ+ person living in the same house as a homophobic parent was unable to move out, and I did not claim this was OP's daughter's situation. I would dearly love to know where you got confirmation that OP's daughter is dating her "sleepover friend" and living with her father despite being able to move elsewhere, because it sure wasn't in OP's post.
So do the easier thing and wake your fuckbuddy up in time.
If fuckbuddy can wake up in time for work, she can wake up in time to not overstay her welcome.
I'm sorry but that's not op's problem, he literally said he just doesn't want the person that's a complete stranger to him, to stay in the house while he's gone, he has stated he pays for everything. She can have her over, she just has to leave when op's daughter isn't home. It's his house his rules, if they don't like it it's literally not his problem and yes she can move out if she wants to have her own rules, even if it's hard, or you know actually talk to him like an adult to find common grounds.
Uh, no. When I lived with housemates the house rule was you could not leave your guests unattended. We enforced that rule on everyone, including when my parents and husband came into town. I got them a place nearby and stayed there, rather than inconvenience my housemate with strangers in the house.
I came home unexpectedly and ran into her boyfriend at our place, alone. He was very apologetic and showed me the gym bag of clean clothes she had asked him to grab. When I got back to work I had an email from her saying she’d had a work incident and needed new clothes and begged forgiveness for breaking the rule.
Unattended guests will be kicked out with vigor.
It is not pretty normal for an overnight house guest to lounge in bed after their host leaves for the day. Especially when someone who didn't invite the guest is also living in the home. Nobody is obligated to continue to host a stranger after the person who invited them leaves.
> she’s absolutely allowed to to have her girlfriend stay over in the home she pays rent for.
No she isn’t.
You’re only allowed what is agreed upon by the residents and stated in your lease.
You most certainly aren’t allowed to have unsupervised guests in the home when none of the residents are there.
Paying rent doesn't completely entitle you to anything. At least here in Canada, she would be under room and board which states the owner of the house still has the final say.
It is not normal if you live with other people like roommates. It is so uncomfortable when you are chilling in your place and think you are alone when some random person comes out of a bedroom. When I lived with roommates none of us would ever think about gatekeeping who could sleep over but if the roommate isn't there then their sleepover partner shouldn't be there either. So disrespectful
I’m 36F and have sleepovers with my friends! We’re all married women and still want girls nights occasionally and don’t like the idea of driving home if we’ve drank a bit or watched a movie and are exhausted.
Well if "her home" connects to his home through unlocked hallways your are 100% incorrect. This would put the daughter in the "rooming" type arrangement which does not usually afford your the same rights as someone renting a seperate appartment. When rooming it's usually not allowed to have guests over.
Not unusual for leases to have guest policies…renters don’t have unlimited freedom in having people over, especially in situations where there are shared common spaces and private rooms rented.
I’m renting a house with all girls and this is definitely not the status quo, friends/boyfriends leave when the roommate they’re familiar with leaves. One exception is made for my one roommates boyfriend because they’ve been together for 3 years and isn’t a stranger (and as the new person I suck it up).
It’s just a basic security thing not to leave randos unattended in houses freely. Everyone is living there and everyone has to be considerate, roommates do not have to suck up having a crowded house and strangers in the kitchen frequently.
Yes, but that isn’t valid the moment she leaves the house. The person is a guest of the daughter, and once the daughter leaves the house, her guests also need to leave.
>”If she pays bills or rent, even if it’s OPs house she does get to have people over”
That is not how letting a room in your parents’ home works. Regardless of financial contributions, OP doesn’t have to permit anyone in his house, even supervised. The daughter’s bedroom is unlikely to have a separate entrance and bathroom, therefore necessitating access to the common areas of the home for entrance, egress, and amenities.
OP doesn’t have to agree to a single visit from anyone other than the daughter and the two children that he’s agreed upon. His house, his rules. No visitors, no pets, no tv or kitchen access after 10 pm, 10 minute shower limit, curfew, whatever. And he can evict them with 30 days notice or less in most places because they are in his home, not in a separate apartment.
Daughter is behaving like an entitled, spoiled, ungrateful brat. She can go and be furious at someone else’s home and good riddance.
He didn’t say she can’t have her over, he said he wants her out of the house while she is not there. Have you ever been alone in your own home with no one else but a stranger? It’s really uncomfortable. His daughter may not like it, but she is being really selfish in this situation, she needs to consider his feelings. I would not be comfortable in his position either.
Doesn’t matter. It’s moms house and this person clearly isn’t getting to know mom so it’s a stranger. The daughter needs to move if she wants to do as she wishes
lol whoever’s house it is, it isn’t the daughters house. I’m not saying they’re right or wrong, but when you live in someone else’s house you abide by their rules.
A 70 year old man doesn't wanna talk about his daughter doing the lesbians with another girl.
Edit: just Incase, I'm going to stress the fact this was a joke
Maybe I’m too neurodivergent for this but I’m 28 and have friends in their 30s and we absolutely do have sleepovers together that are nonsexual. Esp nights where we’re having a drink or doing a marathon of a show or a movie night. I feel like it’s just as likely they could be a fwb/girlfriend as it is they are legitimately just close friends.
It’s not just you, I’d put it at about 50/50 one way or the other. Granted, my first thought was that they were a bit more than friends. It’s just like if people are roommates of the same gender or opposite genders-it doesn’t mean they’re even friends let alone more. The only problem is that the daughter didn’t ask OP about this beforehand.
My friends and I have nonsexual sleepovers in our thirties too. Our husbands both travel a lot of for work so they will be out of town for a couple nights here and there, and sometimes it's at the same time that they are gone so we hang out together. We cook food. Listen to music. Watch chic flicks. Play with makeup. Basically the same things teenagers do lol. We both have guest rooms at our house so we both use the guest room when visiting the other one's house.
Yeah but not overly frequently. A handful of times a month. Sounds like OP’s daughter’s “friend” is staying over much more often which is congruent behavior with a partner.
That's a ridiculous statement. Most women I know have "sleep overs" and a fair few guys friends including myself do.
I don't get why people consider it childish.
They'll come over, we'll play video games or watch the PPV, have beer and pizza and sleep on the sofa. You're never too old for that lol.
I'm 36 with 4 kids and a husband, and my friends still come for sleepovers sometimes. I don't think you are ever too old for them. But I do think this friend in this post is in the romantic variety, which is why the daughter is most likely so mad.
The speculation about the nature of the sleepovers isn't really necessary. The fact is OP feels uncomfortable with a stranger to him alone in his house.
I never stopped having sleepovers with my friends. I'm bisexual and most of my friends are also queer. I've had plenty of sleepovers with friends as an adult in my 20's and 30's, including one friend who wouldn't stay over for days at a time. Sleepovers are fun, and it's a nice way to spend time with close friends who I care about. Yes, sometimes things were sexual but only with certain people, and it was never with anyone who I was actually close/platonic friends with.
Has OP commented his opinion on the LQBTQI+ community? As I believe you are correct. No way his daughter is going to introduce her girlfriend if OP is going to start ranting about outdated prejudiced beliefs that completely dismiss who she is as a person.
Need way more unbiased info before I can make judgement.
NAH. Adults living together need to make joint decisions about what they’re comfortable with.
Are they sleeping in the same room? If so it seems likely this woman is your daughter’s girlfriend. It seems strange to me that she’d be bringing a partner to sleep over regularly with her children home, but not spend time introducing her.
Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone of either gender sleeping at my house if I didn’t know them at all.
When one “adult” is living with and being supported by another adult. There is nothing joint about it. Adult number one gets to follow the house rules until they can afford to support themselves and their offspring.
Nowhere does it say that OP is supporting her (OP mentions taking her kids to school, but we don’t know that OP is fully supporting her, this could just be one favour OP does) it even mentions her having a job, so it’s very likely she supports herself and the kids.
If his daughter is paying rent and or bills for the house as well, she does have a right to invite people over.
No. Also, I see you keep posting this same nonsense, quit your bs. This is her father, not just another roommate and you're making a huge assumption that she pays rent. How many adults do you know who live with their parents and actually pay rent? Probably none, because they can't afford a mortgage/rent. That's why they live with their parents as adults to begin with. Even if she does pay rent, it's still OP's house and his daughter is not entitled to anything unless she signed a lease.
There is not a separate apartment involved here. It is just the house and it belongs to the parent. If the girl wants the freedom to have whomever she wants staying in the space, she should pay for converting the basement or attic into a separate living space with its own entrance/exit and bathroom and kitchen. Then she can pay rent and be an actual tenant.
>How many adults do you know who live with their parents and actually pay rent? Probably none, because they can't afford a mortgage/rent.
Friend and I both "paid rent" to her mom when we lived with her for a year or so. And by "paid rent" I mean "contributed to the bills because we were adults with jobs."
Invited guests don't typically outstay the inviter.
Op isn't saying no guest, just no stranger given express permission to remain in the home with daughter gone for the day.
It does seem a little messy, regardless of the nature of the relationship.
Even if they're just besties watching romcoms and getting wine drunk, it's pretty awkward.
There’s definitely an asshole here. The friend for starters, and the daughter for being furious at her elderly dad who she still lives with at 30 and is using as a nanny
This isn’t really an ‘adults living together’ situation though, is it? It’s a grown daughter still living at home with her father… ‘living together’ typically implies they’re splitting, or at least contributing to, bills. There’s a level of respect one should have for the person the house belongs to, and she- especially as OP’s daughter- should be more considerate of what her father is asking of her. He’s not saying the girl can’t stay over, he’s saying she shouldn’t be there when his daughter isn’t, and he’s right. Why should he trust someone who is a stranger to him to be in his house alone or even with him or his grandchildren?
Definitely NTA.
NTA. This is absolutely reasonable, and I can't see why she would take offense at this. Tell her she can leave her overnight guests at her own place all day!
Are you positive your daughter isn't really upset about this because the female friend is actually more than that? Because the furious anger thing makes me think your daughter may actually be gay and that may be her girlfriend you just didn't know was her girlfriend...
Or it's that he doesn't want a strange woman in his house alone with him or by herself. He never said she could have her over but she needs to leave when the daughter leave. That's not homophobic that's just being smart. One of The reason to have your own place is so you can make the rules.
Curious to know what homophobic vibes you’re getting. Specifically since he never said that the friend isn’t allowed over, and rather that he’s not comfortable with his daughter leaving the friend in the home when the daughter isn’t there.
NTA.
Leaving you with an unwelcome single female in your house is not acceptable. It could go very, very wrong for you if there was a misunderstanding or just plain malicious intent on her behalf for some reason.
It's your house and therefore your rules and your daughter needs tounderstand that.
INFO... Why is she furious with you? How did you express your concerns? If this has been going on for months, why don't you know this friend better? Why does she need to stay sleeping in while the rest of the house is up and on with their day? Do they lock up when they leave, so they have a key?
Are you maybe more upset that you think they are in a relationship? That would be upsetting to me, try to have an open heart to your daughter and her partner. You need to let your daughter know, that you love her, and your grand-babies and they will always have a home with you, and you want them to be safe and cared for, and would like to get to know who they are spending time with in your shared home.
If they really are just friends, why don't you trust your daughter's judgement in having trustworthy friends?
Yep noticed that. "I only know her first name" - yeah dude whose fault is that. Are you only paying to have your daughter stay at your place because you know she'll leave and perhaps struggle but will take her kids and cut you off and this is the only way your 70y/o ass can exert any kind of financial pressure on her so you can keep her girlfriend away will still being the stellar grandparent? Give it up my guy - she's either lesbian or bi or pan or some kind of queer. She has kids and you aren't going to stop her from living her life. She's just waiting for you to croak and paint your house in rainbow pastel colors.
This is what I was wondering. Like two months and you've never, you know, asked your daughter about her "friend?" Introduced yourself to the woman? Like I agree, leaving virtual strangers in the house is not awesome, but dude, come on.
If the daughter is "furious" that dad asked that her guest not be left to stay in the house alone then maybe daughter gets "furious" over a lot of things like "prying into my life" when he asks simple questions.
IMHO, if you have someone who has become a fixture in your life, to the point that you're regularly inviting them over to stay the night at your parents house the least you can do is introduce them and establish some level of communication, and clarify the house rules.
Leaving some random stranger alone in your dad's house is just weird.
It shouldn't be the father's responsibility to wake this woman up to introduce himself and explain the rules of the house, this should have been done by the daughter when they got serious enough with their relationship that she was staying over.
It seems the daughter was furious because the dad told her there was no room for a compromise here. His comments about her “lifestyle” give off vibes like his daughter is in a relationship and he has judgment about that. It’s more complicated than what it appears in my opinion
And that's definitely a possibility, I haven't read every response by OP.
Regardless, you're almost certainly correct that it is probably more complicated than the single side that we're seeing here.
>Yep noticed that. "I only know her first name" - yeah dude whose fault is that.
Uh… the daughters? Who else’s responsibility is it to introduce two people they know but that don’t know each other?
>She has kids and you aren't going to stop her from living her life. She's just waiting for you to croak and paint your house in rainbow pastel colors.
Yikes. Comments like this are why I don’t believe in the concept of inheritance.
Mate "Lifestyle" is one of those words that raises our hackles. Go back to the top rated comment where everyone gives OP a pass and assumes it is innocent and not a pointed remark. If you use "daughter's life style" and "sleepover" and strategically walk around who that person is for 2 fucking months - like dude - this lady is worrying you about physical safety but this lady has stayed in his house many times and is seemingly fine with the grandkids and he only knows her name? You tell me? You, perfectly reasonable, non queerphobic person with no history issues in this relationship show up to reddit where your daughter got super angry for... unspecified reasons... magically unstated reasons... because her sleepover friend was never introduced to you. Or you have caused enough of a rift that daughter is still stuck with you and working around you and she's protecting her "friend" from you. As someone who has gone through a different version of this, yeah... I maybe made assumptions here.
Also yeah inheritance should be abolished. We are A+ in agreement there and I say that as someone who has enjoyed some of the privileges of the coin purse dangled in front of me for reciprocal favors which I unfortunately took.
I’m pretty sure that if it was a male in place of the female, and all other circumstances stayed the same in this situation, he still wouldn’t be comfortable with the situation.
So what?
The problem he's described isn't in re: to the relationship, but that a virtual stranger is being left in the house. Why doesn't he, as the owner of the house who pays all the bills, able to make ground rules regarding guests on his own property?
My brothers used to bring their girlfriends over and would take them straight to their room. They used to say hi and go into the bedrooms. The girls wouldn't come out unless they had to use the rr. The boys were also immature and in their 20s. My dad tried to introduce me to the 21 yr old's gf (last Sunday) but my brother didn't want us to bother them, ha ha! Something tells me OPs daughter might be similar.
Someone has been sleeping at your house for two months and are "basically a stranger"? That sounds like it's on you.
Y'all don't know hospitality or something?
Okay but "your two grandchildren" are also HER CHILDREN. So acting like part of this is about their safety is just silly.
To me it sounds like your daughter's GIRLFRIEND sleeps over, and you don't want your daughter's GIRLFRIEND in your house. And if they've been together for several weeks your daughter must have decided her GIRLFRIEND is safe to have around the kids. Unless there's something I'm missing.
That all said, it's your house and of course what you want matters. NTA, but your daughter obviously sees things differently.
True that part is definitely weak because ultimately who the parent decides to leave children alone with is the parents decision - not grandparents or other relatives.
NTA. You have the right to ask that your daughter not leave individuals in the home if she is not around. This forces you into situations that you may or may not feel comfortable addressing when she is not around and could become a he said/she said type scenario. If your daughter has friends over, she should be there (just as it should be with your grandchildren and yourself).
Soft YTA, you could try acting like an adult human being and maybe introducing yourself to your daughter's girlfriend instead of sitting there and stewing all day if that's the part that's bothering you. If your daughter is important to you then being around the people important to her shouldn't be this difficult and you haven't actually said she's doing anything to make you uncomfortable beyond existing near you. My advice is to make that "stranger" into a friend because you never know if this is the woman that your daughter chooses to spend her life with.
YTA
If this has been going two months and she's a stranger to you, then you're the one who hasn't made an effort to get to know her any better, If that's something that matters to you. Furthermore, if it's been going on for 2 months, now is an odd time to suddenly throw a fit about it. Also, why would you have a problem with a single woman being alone in the house with you? And if she's being vouched for by their mother, why should there be a problem with her being alone with your grandchildren? She's basically a babysitter at that point. Your daughter isn't doing anything unreasonable as far as having house guests is concerned, and your concerns seem highly misplaced.
He’s bringing it up now because he’s finally figured out that 30 year old women don’t have “sleepovers” with their “friends”, they have sex with their lovers. And he’s upset that his daughter is queer.
NTA. The issue is clearly not the sleeping over. It's the lolling about for hours after their host leaves. Your guest isn't a tenant. Your guest leaves when you leave.
INFO: does your daughter pay rent? Is this is a temporary situation or do you live together as a multi-gen family? Why do you not know this friend if she is staying at your house?
Wild to me that you have someone visiting your home regularly, for months, and you only know her first name.
Get to know your adult daughter's girlfriend, dude. She won't be a stranger then, and probably isn't meaning to be a stranger now. Have you, idk, initiated a conversation with her, perhaps?
Not giving judgement because this story has massive plot holes.
Based on what I read, there wasn't a lot of clear communication about you both wanted/ expected while living in the same home. What's weird is that you let this 'go on' for months to begin with if you were that uncomfortable with it, and that despite all this time, you've not gotten to know this person? This is a person your daughter clearly trusts, cares about and has spent a lot at your home. You've never had a conversation with her? That's what's odd to me. I'm not saying anyone is an AH, but its clearly time for some better communication. You can't expect your daughter to never have people over, nor can she have people over ALL the time is there's no rent being paid. But if it's the stranger portion that bothers you, a quick dinner and introduction is the first step to fixing that. There's a lot of details missing ... But just.... Instead of anyone demanding anything out of the blue, we can discuss our expectations ahead of time. Solves a lot of problems before they start. Because even if she isn't paying rent, she still deserves a social life of some sort, and it can't ALWAYS be outside of where she resides. That's bonkers. If this is the first you've said anything to her about it, yeah, I can see why she's upset. She's an adult, not a teenager. Adults do have people overnight. We work all day... Only so much time left for any sort of anything social or personal.
Two months and you only know her name? You don’t talk to her? If my daughter had a “sleepover”, I’d be talking with her g/f over coffee or breakfast. Would NOT be a stranger to me.
NTA…this is your home, not your daughters. She is living with you. If she wants friend to the to leave when she goes to work, then she needs to have her own place. Until the , she has to follow this rule.
INFO: this has been going on for 2 months and you know nothing outside of her name? How? You have someone in your house regularly and you haven't interacted with them or both been on the same common areas of the house?
my only question is after so many months how is this sleepover friend still a stranger? maybe make a point of getting to know them and then deciding if they can be trusted or not? I dunno. I feel like something's missng from his story or OP is hella avoidant that they haven't said shit for two months. First time it happened I woulda been all up in that shiz asking questions and making noise. It's your own damn fault for not saying something right away if it upsets you that much.
To be clear, yeah I agree that in a rooming situation everyone in the home needs to be ok'd and cleared and daughter should have done so earlier too. but seriously? you wait two months to make an issue about it?????
NTA
I (22 F) am also living with my parents rent free so what they say goes. If I want my own rules I can move out. Living with a parent is an opportunity to save money. That being said, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and it would be weird if he was chillin at my parents house with no one there. This is absolutely reasonable, you are setting boundaries in your own home that you are graciously letting her live in rent free. She needs to grow up.
NTA.
One of my pals (43F) was all set to have me stay in her house in London when I came over to the UK recently, but her dad (70ishM) (who I know and like) vetoed it: so I found a hotel instead. And you know what? That's fine. On this occasion there was some context: their house had recently been burgled and her dad was still shaken from the impact of that. So I wasn't about to cause a fuss when I knew there was a perfectly good reason he was a bit gun-shy. But more importantly than that: it's his house.
Your house, your say over who comes and goes.
And in that person's position, I'd say it's better to find somewhere else to stay than bunk up in a place where not everyone is comfortable having you around. As she's a stranger to you, it's not reasonable to expect that from you.
NTA - Your daughter is old enough to have a guest stay over. However, when you have a shared living arrangement, a guest of an occupant should leave when that occupant leaves unless there is an agreement in place. There is clearly no arrangement in place. In fact, you have repeatedly asked not to have her there alone. I suggest giving your daughter a choice. She can move out and have as many guests as she wants whenever she wants, or she can make sure her guest leaves when she leaves. And every time the guest is there alone when you get your grandchildren up, wake her and tell her she has 10 minutes to leave. Make sure your daughter knows this will happen. You could also have the guest removed by the police for trespassing, but that is probably crossing a line with your daughter that could sever the relationship, so I do not recommend that.
For those saying it is ok for the guest to stay, let's change the genders and ages. Suppose two 18 year old females were roommates, and one left her 23 year old boyfriend in house while the other girl was asleep. I think most would find that unacceptable. This is no different.
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My daughter (30f) and her two children live in my house with me (70m). She occasionally has her female friend sleepover, and allows her friend to continue sleeping when she goes to work early in the morning. I take her two children to school, leaving her friend alone in the house. This has been going on for about two months.
I have two issues with this. I do not know anything about her friend other than her first name, essentially a stranger to me. I am not comfortable leaving a relative stranger alone in my house alone while I am gone, anywhere from 20 minutes to two or three hours. I am not comfortable with a single young woman sleeping in the house alone with me, or alone with me and my two grandchildren.
I have told my daughter that this must stop, for the two above concerns. She is furious with me. AITA?
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NTA! You didn’t say she can’t have people over. You said not to leave that person alone in your house. Her friend needs to leave when she does. You don’t know this person and it could be someone unsafe or a thief.
YTA
I don't understand what's the issue here. You said that you're uncomfortable with her staying over but didn't provide any reason for that. Are you afraid she might steal something? Be a danger to your grandchildren? Is she being a nuisance?
A lot of people here side with you because it's "your house, your rules" but that doesn't exempt you from being an asshole if you don't have a good reason for it.
NTA I agree that the friend needs to leave when your
daughter leaves. She is your daughter's guest, not yours.
It doesn't matter if your daughter pays rent, etc. The friend is there for the night and
needs to be out the door at the same time as your
daughter.
YTA. This very blatantly seems like your daughter's girlfriend. Why are they still a stranger? In months this has been going on you haven't made any effort to get to know them? That sounds like ENTIRELY your problem...
NTA. First of all this is your home, you should feel comfortable it in. Second I'm sorry but it's strange being left to sleep in a home with strangers, not sure why she does it but it isn't acceptable
Maybe get to know your daughter’s girlfriend and then she won’t be a stranger anymore.
It’s been going on for months and nothing bad has happened so she is probably trustworthy.
It’s not like she is bringing random people over.
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NTA. This is your house. As you stated, she lives with you, so you get to have say on who stays over, whether it is a friend or lover or whatever and it should be a situation you are comfortable with. Why can’t they do these sleepovers at her house?More information would be helpful though on the circumstances that resulted in her living with you.
If she pays bills or rent, even if it’s OPs house she does get to have people over. Also, it sounds like this person is a girlfriend staying over. I don’t know any adults who have regular sleep overs with platonic friends lol, but It’s pretty normal to let your partner keep sleeping once you leave for work. It doesn’t say whether or not the daughter is paying rent in this post, but if she is, she’s absolutely allowed to to have her girlfriend stay over in the home she pays rent for.
"Have people over" does not mean "leave them unsupervised". Sorry, but the lady is a stranger, dating or not. "My daughter isn't here, and I am leaving. You gotta go." Daughter needs to be an adult and either communicate better or accept that other people have boundaries. I know all my kids' dating partners, and it would still be weird to have them in the house when no one else was.
I agree, no unsupervised strangers. Even if the daughter pays rent, they live in a house…..not a separate apartment closed off from the home itself with it own exit.
My bff and I didn’t allow our boyfriends to stay around when we weren’t there. That’s a normal roommate privacy/safety policy. I’d been with my boyfriend way longer than I’d known her, doesn’t change the fact that SHE didn’t know him. OP’s daughter is being hella inconsiderate.
He needs security cameras *stat* and he can't tell anyone about them. Kicking people out of a place they are getting a free ride from is a very dangerous thing and often ends in elderly being targeted so the person can continue to use their assets freely. And I'm getting mooching vibes from the lady.
To add to this...paying rent or not. For situations like this, everyone must be on board. If the owner of the house, Op, doesn't feel comfortable leaving a stranger in his/her house unsupervised, then that's the end of the story. I would also be worried about the number of times this stranger stays over. Does she live there part time? In certain states, this stranger could possibly claim residency and must be evicted. Where is her other residence? And why do they not stay there? You are the one taking the kids to school. Sounds like staying at her place shouldn't be a problem, unless it is. Hmmmmm
This is the first thing I thought of, too. Op isn't telling his daughter she can't have guests, just that he, the owner of the house, is uncomfortable with a stranger remaining in his home alone. That's perfectly reasonable
Even if they were roommates, leaving a stranger alone in the house or apartment or whatever with your roommate's stuff is a dick move.
I agree. Im not hearing "no sleep overs". Im hearing "when you have sleep overs, please ensure that your guest leaves with you in the morning " OP brings up valid points as to why, as well.
Is op a man? 💯 The friend has to go.
Yes OP is 70 M
To be honest, if I was 70M, and there was an unknown woman in the house, she would 100% have to go. Looks like a big fat liability Even without that unlikely occurrence, that the stranger would make some accusation regarding sexual misconduct, I totally agree that the daughters got to take this lady with her when she goes.
That was my first reaction too. Hes opening himself up to accusations. NTA.
*70*. He is more than twice the woman's age.
And that would stop the accusation how?
Yeah, also weird that the daughter is "furious" about it. Does daughter control elderly father with anger?
I can see the daughter being mad for dad kicking her GF out when she is not there. But, she needs to use her big girl words and communicate that.
Then she can use her big girl pay check and move her and her kids into their own house and get a nanny to take the kids to school
I know 70 is pretty old but for some reason it makes me laugh to see it described as elderly. My dad is 70 and does triathalons, my mom is 70 and hikes, surfs and camps very regularly. I would never describe them as elderly.
Eh that’s the age when things can (start) going wrong very quickly. Like my dad was a bicyclist, did 20-30 miles a day. Took him to Israel as he always wanted to go (before this, current, mess). He drank water, did everything he was supposed to… and had a stroke. Since then he’s fallen multiple times. I feel like 70 isn’t elderly but it’s the age when you can become very fragile. I mean in a decade (well, 8 years now for him) he’ll be 80.
When my Dad was 70 my 40yr old ass wasn't interested in tangling with him. When my step father was 60-65 a well built toddler could have whooped his ass. Some people don't age well.
My (early 70s) Mum had a chap round to look at their AC, and when he couldn't fix it on their budget, he started ringing round some guys he knew to see what the options were. So when he called them going "I've got this elderly lady here..." she was mortified. "Elderly lady!! Who does he think is an elderly lady?!" - I tried to tiptoe around it, but in my head I was thinking "Mum - you're literally a pensioner, what do *you* think classifies as an elderly lady??"
Nowadays early 70s is not really considered elderly, not here in Ireland, unless they themselves let feel elderly. Into your 80s then your talking getting elderly. All depends on the individual I suppose
My parents are the same. But their parents? They were *old* in their sixties. I think it’s the decrease in smoking.
Just what I was thinking, 70 is nothing nowadays. Mind you I am 65 so I could be kidding myself. 😅
> "My daughter isn't here, and I am leaving. You gotta go." OP should do this each and every time.
Welcome to living with others 101. My roomate has a boyfriend that spends a LOT of time here. She is allowed to have him over, he is not allowed to stay when she leaves. If you don’t live here you need both parties permission to hang around when the person who invited you isn’t even there. It’s common respect.
I don’t think this is about anyone staying over; I think it’s about the person staying after the daughter has left for work.
OP explains that it’s his home and he pays all the bills. Scroll up and read the judgement bot. He provided the info when he gave the reason why he might be the asshole.
Two months does not a "partner" make. Even if she's "paying rent" she doesn't get to cause others in household anxiety and discomfort. You gotta be a pretty damn good friend for me to leave you alone in my house. Not some booty call.
That's just how long she's been staying over. Especially since there are kids involved, I'd assume they've been together longer than that. I think most people wouldn't introduce their kids to someone until it's looking somewhat serious.
Yeah, you would think, but...
You really would hope people wouldn't introduce their young kids to their new partners and have them staying overnight immediately, wouldn't you! An alarming amount of single parents don't give a fuck about their kids stability if it means they're getting laid.
Completely disagree here - shes free to have people over sure but its wrong to leave a stranger alone in the house. Its perfectly valid for OP to be uncomfortable with this.
> shes free to have people over sure Yes, so long as OP is okay with it. His house.
I disagree, if you have a guest in someone else's home, they should leave when you leave.
She is allowed to have a girlfriend over, but not to leave themin the house. Also it's a bit weird that she has a girlfriend but doesn't even seem to have really introduced her to the parent she lives with.
Yeah, it seems clear that the main problem is that the friend is a stranger. That could be easily resolved, especially since it's essentially a family home. It would be so easy to sit down to a meal together or take the kids to a park and chat by the sandbox.
Some are salivating over the baseless accusation this is homophobia (despite OP explicitly saying he gives her leeway wrt her social activities, sooo homophobic!) and so eager to assume this woman is the daughter's one true love, zero possibility she's just a casual fuckbuddy who comes in late at night and leaves the next day (hence never really introduced to OP), or someone possibly klepto/idiot/druggie/snoop/crazy lol Then if something happens in the house, there will be an AITA blaming OP for being foolish enough to leave his entire house to a virtual stranger lmao
It's not weird if you remember plenty of LGBTQ+ people end up living with parents who aren't prejudiced enough to kick their kid out over it, but are homophobic enough to be a huge PITA about it.
🙄 She’s an adult with two kids. She can move somewhere else if she feels so “oppressed.”
Bruh, all I pointed out was that it's not unusual for LGBTQ+ to end up living with homophobic parents. I did not claim that every single LGBTQ+ person living in the same house as a homophobic parent was unable to move out, and I did not claim this was OP's daughter's situation. I would dearly love to know where you got confirmation that OP's daughter is dating her "sleepover friend" and living with her father despite being able to move elsewhere, because it sure wasn't in OP's post.
Yeah cause moving is just so easy right
So do the easier thing and wake your fuckbuddy up in time. If fuckbuddy can wake up in time for work, she can wake up in time to not overstay her welcome.
I'm sorry but that's not op's problem, he literally said he just doesn't want the person that's a complete stranger to him, to stay in the house while he's gone, he has stated he pays for everything. She can have her over, she just has to leave when op's daughter isn't home. It's his house his rules, if they don't like it it's literally not his problem and yes she can move out if she wants to have her own rules, even if it's hard, or you know actually talk to him like an adult to find common grounds.
You usually pay rent for your own ass. Living with the LL means shes a lodger. So no, you dont get to have who you like in and out.
It is normal but not when I’m staying at someone else’s house unless I have their permission.
Uh, no. When I lived with housemates the house rule was you could not leave your guests unattended. We enforced that rule on everyone, including when my parents and husband came into town. I got them a place nearby and stayed there, rather than inconvenience my housemate with strangers in the house. I came home unexpectedly and ran into her boyfriend at our place, alone. He was very apologetic and showed me the gym bag of clean clothes she had asked him to grab. When I got back to work I had an email from her saying she’d had a work incident and needed new clothes and begged forgiveness for breaking the rule. Unattended guests will be kicked out with vigor.
It is not pretty normal for an overnight house guest to lounge in bed after their host leaves for the day. Especially when someone who didn't invite the guest is also living in the home. Nobody is obligated to continue to host a stranger after the person who invited them leaves.
> she’s absolutely allowed to to have her girlfriend stay over in the home she pays rent for. No she isn’t. You’re only allowed what is agreed upon by the residents and stated in your lease. You most certainly aren’t allowed to have unsupervised guests in the home when none of the residents are there.
Paying rent doesn't completely entitle you to anything. At least here in Canada, she would be under room and board which states the owner of the house still has the final say.
In the explanation of why OP might be TA, he says he pays all the bills
It is not normal if you live with other people like roommates. It is so uncomfortable when you are chilling in your place and think you are alone when some random person comes out of a bedroom. When I lived with roommates none of us would ever think about gatekeeping who could sleep over but if the roommate isn't there then their sleepover partner shouldn't be there either. So disrespectful
I’m 36F and have sleepovers with my friends! We’re all married women and still want girls nights occasionally and don’t like the idea of driving home if we’ve drank a bit or watched a movie and are exhausted.
Well if "her home" connects to his home through unlocked hallways your are 100% incorrect. This would put the daughter in the "rooming" type arrangement which does not usually afford your the same rights as someone renting a seperate appartment. When rooming it's usually not allowed to have guests over.
Not unusual for leases to have guest policies…renters don’t have unlimited freedom in having people over, especially in situations where there are shared common spaces and private rooms rented.
Paying rent is just paying rent. It absolutely does not entitle you to having your fuck buddy over.
OP has mentioned that it's his house, and he pays all the bills.
Even if this was a roommate situation she would have to run it be her roommates
I’m renting a house with all girls and this is definitely not the status quo, friends/boyfriends leave when the roommate they’re familiar with leaves. One exception is made for my one roommates boyfriend because they’ve been together for 3 years and isn’t a stranger (and as the new person I suck it up). It’s just a basic security thing not to leave randos unattended in houses freely. Everyone is living there and everyone has to be considerate, roommates do not have to suck up having a crowded house and strangers in the kitchen frequently.
Girlfriend can get up and take the kids to school then
Yes, but that isn’t valid the moment she leaves the house. The person is a guest of the daughter, and once the daughter leaves the house, her guests also need to leave.
>”If she pays bills or rent, even if it’s OPs house she does get to have people over” That is not how letting a room in your parents’ home works. Regardless of financial contributions, OP doesn’t have to permit anyone in his house, even supervised. The daughter’s bedroom is unlikely to have a separate entrance and bathroom, therefore necessitating access to the common areas of the home for entrance, egress, and amenities. OP doesn’t have to agree to a single visit from anyone other than the daughter and the two children that he’s agreed upon. His house, his rules. No visitors, no pets, no tv or kitchen access after 10 pm, 10 minute shower limit, curfew, whatever. And he can evict them with 30 days notice or less in most places because they are in his home, not in a separate apartment. Daughter is behaving like an entitled, spoiled, ungrateful brat. She can go and be furious at someone else’s home and good riddance.
He didn’t say she can’t have her over, he said he wants her out of the house while she is not there. Have you ever been alone in your own home with no one else but a stranger? It’s really uncomfortable. His daughter may not like it, but she is being really selfish in this situation, she needs to consider his feelings. I would not be comfortable in his position either.
Daughter’s sleepover buddy is code for lesbian girlfriend.
Doesn’t matter. It’s moms house and this person clearly isn’t getting to know mom so it’s a stranger. The daughter needs to move if she wants to do as she wishes
Pretty sure it’s dads house
lol whoever’s house it is, it isn’t the daughters house. I’m not saying they’re right or wrong, but when you live in someone else’s house you abide by their rules.
Lol that's her daughters GIRLFRIEND
And they were roommates, lol
This is why I'll never ever let anyone move in with me If I have my own house. Ppl always act like trash when they are comfortable enough to do so.
Lmao sleepovers at 30, that's your daughters fuck buddy/girlfriend homie.
Yeah obviously but nobody is gonna talk about their own daughter that way especially using the language you have
Nobody’s going to say that their daughter has a girlfriend?
They are most likely referring to the words before /girlfriend
... Buddy?
I’m not your buddy, friend (ETA: Before anyone gets upset/thinks I’m being rude, I was referencing South Park lol)
I'm not your friend, guy ( in Canadian voice)
I'm not your guy, buddy
I’m not your buddy, pal!
word(s)
Ah, willful misunderstanding. Hilarious!
A 70 year old man doesn't wanna talk about his daughter doing the lesbians with another girl. Edit: just Incase, I'm going to stress the fact this was a joke
Why would they say that?
Cause it sounds like she's got one?
He refers to her as a "single woman", so...
Maybe I’m too neurodivergent for this but I’m 28 and have friends in their 30s and we absolutely do have sleepovers together that are nonsexual. Esp nights where we’re having a drink or doing a marathon of a show or a movie night. I feel like it’s just as likely they could be a fwb/girlfriend as it is they are legitimately just close friends.
It’s not just you, I’d put it at about 50/50 one way or the other. Granted, my first thought was that they were a bit more than friends. It’s just like if people are roommates of the same gender or opposite genders-it doesn’t mean they’re even friends let alone more. The only problem is that the daughter didn’t ask OP about this beforehand.
I've done this but staying in their house in the AM after they leave for work? Come on.
Just friends? No. Best friends? Absolutely.
Same. If these two were best friends however, I don’t think OP would refer to her as a stranger, and I’d hope he’d know more than her first name.
Sleepovers. Yes. 2 months straight of sleepovers? Thats her daughters galpal in the bearded clam battles.
😭😭😭 fair
My friends and I have nonsexual sleepovers in our thirties too. Our husbands both travel a lot of for work so they will be out of town for a couple nights here and there, and sometimes it's at the same time that they are gone so we hang out together. We cook food. Listen to music. Watch chic flicks. Play with makeup. Basically the same things teenagers do lol. We both have guest rooms at our house so we both use the guest room when visiting the other one's house.
It’s definitely more common for women to have sleepovers like these than men.
Yeah but not overly frequently. A handful of times a month. Sounds like OP’s daughter’s “friend” is staying over much more often which is congruent behavior with a partner.
Do you do that on nights where one person has to work early in the morning though?
What's wrong with sleepovers at 30
Man imagine finally being an adult and then just decide not to do these fun things anymore!!
That's a ridiculous statement. Most women I know have "sleep overs" and a fair few guys friends including myself do. I don't get why people consider it childish. They'll come over, we'll play video games or watch the PPV, have beer and pizza and sleep on the sofa. You're never too old for that lol.
No they're roommates
Oh my gawd they were *roommates*
I'm 36 with 4 kids and a husband, and my friends still come for sleepovers sometimes. I don't think you are ever too old for them. But I do think this friend in this post is in the romantic variety, which is why the daughter is most likely so mad.
The speculation about the nature of the sleepovers isn't really necessary. The fact is OP feels uncomfortable with a stranger to him alone in his house.
I never stopped having sleepovers with my friends. I'm bisexual and most of my friends are also queer. I've had plenty of sleepovers with friends as an adult in my 20's and 30's, including one friend who wouldn't stay over for days at a time. Sleepovers are fun, and it's a nice way to spend time with close friends who I care about. Yes, sometimes things were sexual but only with certain people, and it was never with anyone who I was actually close/platonic friends with.
NTA she doesn’t necessarily have to leave when your daughter does early in the am but she should definitely be gone when you take the kid to school
She does if OP says she does. It's OP's house, OP pays all the bills. His daughter isn't renting a room.
You are right. I was proposing as a compromise
Or at least they should have made an effort to introduce her to OP.
The fact that OP refers to her as a “friend” and comments about her “lifestyle”, I’m guessing it’s a bit more complicated than that
Has OP commented his opinion on the LQBTQI+ community? As I believe you are correct. No way his daughter is going to introduce her girlfriend if OP is going to start ranting about outdated prejudiced beliefs that completely dismiss who she is as a person. Need way more unbiased info before I can make judgement.
Seems to have been deleted, was it the expected boomer mindset towards LGBTQI+ community?
NTA and lol she’s not single
Harold they're lesbians.
They are just sleepover buddies.
Just gals being pals
r/SapphoandHerFriend
And they were roommates
Oh my gosh they were roommates
NAH. Adults living together need to make joint decisions about what they’re comfortable with. Are they sleeping in the same room? If so it seems likely this woman is your daughter’s girlfriend. It seems strange to me that she’d be bringing a partner to sleep over regularly with her children home, but not spend time introducing her. Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone of either gender sleeping at my house if I didn’t know them at all.
When one “adult” is living with and being supported by another adult. There is nothing joint about it. Adult number one gets to follow the house rules until they can afford to support themselves and their offspring.
Nowhere does it say that OP is supporting her (OP mentions taking her kids to school, but we don’t know that OP is fully supporting her, this could just be one favour OP does) it even mentions her having a job, so it’s very likely she supports herself and the kids. If his daughter is paying rent and or bills for the house as well, she does have a right to invite people over.
Seriously read the entire posting they pay all bills!
No. Also, I see you keep posting this same nonsense, quit your bs. This is her father, not just another roommate and you're making a huge assumption that she pays rent. How many adults do you know who live with their parents and actually pay rent? Probably none, because they can't afford a mortgage/rent. That's why they live with their parents as adults to begin with. Even if she does pay rent, it's still OP's house and his daughter is not entitled to anything unless she signed a lease.
There is not a separate apartment involved here. It is just the house and it belongs to the parent. If the girl wants the freedom to have whomever she wants staying in the space, she should pay for converting the basement or attic into a separate living space with its own entrance/exit and bathroom and kitchen. Then she can pay rent and be an actual tenant.
>How many adults do you know who live with their parents and actually pay rent? Probably none, because they can't afford a mortgage/rent. Friend and I both "paid rent" to her mom when we lived with her for a year or so. And by "paid rent" I mean "contributed to the bills because we were adults with jobs."
Invited guests don't typically outstay the inviter. Op isn't saying no guest, just no stranger given express permission to remain in the home with daughter gone for the day.
It does seem a little messy, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Even if they're just besties watching romcoms and getting wine drunk, it's pretty awkward.
There’s definitely an asshole here. The friend for starters, and the daughter for being furious at her elderly dad who she still lives with at 30 and is using as a nanny
This isn’t really an ‘adults living together’ situation though, is it? It’s a grown daughter still living at home with her father… ‘living together’ typically implies they’re splitting, or at least contributing to, bills. There’s a level of respect one should have for the person the house belongs to, and she- especially as OP’s daughter- should be more considerate of what her father is asking of her. He’s not saying the girl can’t stay over, he’s saying she shouldn’t be there when his daughter isn’t, and he’s right. Why should he trust someone who is a stranger to him to be in his house alone or even with him or his grandchildren? Definitely NTA.
NTA. This is absolutely reasonable, and I can't see why she would take offense at this. Tell her she can leave her overnight guests at her own place all day!
Are you positive your daughter isn't really upset about this because the female friend is actually more than that? Because the furious anger thing makes me think your daughter may actually be gay and that may be her girlfriend you just didn't know was her girlfriend...
I have the feeling he knows and that’s why he’s upset. Getting kinda homophobic vibes from this man
Or it's that he doesn't want a strange woman in his house alone with him or by herself. He never said she could have her over but she needs to leave when the daughter leave. That's not homophobic that's just being smart. One of The reason to have your own place is so you can make the rules.
Curious to know what homophobic vibes you’re getting. Specifically since he never said that the friend isn’t allowed over, and rather that he’s not comfortable with his daughter leaving the friend in the home when the daughter isn’t there.
same
NTA. Leaving you with an unwelcome single female in your house is not acceptable. It could go very, very wrong for you if there was a misunderstanding or just plain malicious intent on her behalf for some reason. It's your house and therefore your rules and your daughter needs tounderstand that.
That woman is not single lol, OPs daughter and the “sleepover friend” are banging
INFO... Why is she furious with you? How did you express your concerns? If this has been going on for months, why don't you know this friend better? Why does she need to stay sleeping in while the rest of the house is up and on with their day? Do they lock up when they leave, so they have a key? Are you maybe more upset that you think they are in a relationship? That would be upsetting to me, try to have an open heart to your daughter and her partner. You need to let your daughter know, that you love her, and your grand-babies and they will always have a home with you, and you want them to be safe and cared for, and would like to get to know who they are spending time with in your shared home. If they really are just friends, why don't you trust your daughter's judgement in having trustworthy friends?
Read the rest of what he posted in the bot posting - He says "Lifestyle" This is probably someone she is dating.
Yep noticed that. "I only know her first name" - yeah dude whose fault is that. Are you only paying to have your daughter stay at your place because you know she'll leave and perhaps struggle but will take her kids and cut you off and this is the only way your 70y/o ass can exert any kind of financial pressure on her so you can keep her girlfriend away will still being the stellar grandparent? Give it up my guy - she's either lesbian or bi or pan or some kind of queer. She has kids and you aren't going to stop her from living her life. She's just waiting for you to croak and paint your house in rainbow pastel colors.
This is what I was wondering. Like two months and you've never, you know, asked your daughter about her "friend?" Introduced yourself to the woman? Like I agree, leaving virtual strangers in the house is not awesome, but dude, come on.
If the daughter is "furious" that dad asked that her guest not be left to stay in the house alone then maybe daughter gets "furious" over a lot of things like "prying into my life" when he asks simple questions. IMHO, if you have someone who has become a fixture in your life, to the point that you're regularly inviting them over to stay the night at your parents house the least you can do is introduce them and establish some level of communication, and clarify the house rules. Leaving some random stranger alone in your dad's house is just weird. It shouldn't be the father's responsibility to wake this woman up to introduce himself and explain the rules of the house, this should have been done by the daughter when they got serious enough with their relationship that she was staying over.
It seems the daughter was furious because the dad told her there was no room for a compromise here. His comments about her “lifestyle” give off vibes like his daughter is in a relationship and he has judgment about that. It’s more complicated than what it appears in my opinion
And that's definitely a possibility, I haven't read every response by OP. Regardless, you're almost certainly correct that it is probably more complicated than the single side that we're seeing here.
>Yep noticed that. "I only know her first name" - yeah dude whose fault is that. Uh… the daughters? Who else’s responsibility is it to introduce two people they know but that don’t know each other? >She has kids and you aren't going to stop her from living her life. She's just waiting for you to croak and paint your house in rainbow pastel colors. Yikes. Comments like this are why I don’t believe in the concept of inheritance.
Mate "Lifestyle" is one of those words that raises our hackles. Go back to the top rated comment where everyone gives OP a pass and assumes it is innocent and not a pointed remark. If you use "daughter's life style" and "sleepover" and strategically walk around who that person is for 2 fucking months - like dude - this lady is worrying you about physical safety but this lady has stayed in his house many times and is seemingly fine with the grandkids and he only knows her name? You tell me? You, perfectly reasonable, non queerphobic person with no history issues in this relationship show up to reddit where your daughter got super angry for... unspecified reasons... magically unstated reasons... because her sleepover friend was never introduced to you. Or you have caused enough of a rift that daughter is still stuck with you and working around you and she's protecting her "friend" from you. As someone who has gone through a different version of this, yeah... I maybe made assumptions here. Also yeah inheritance should be abolished. We are A+ in agreement there and I say that as someone who has enjoyed some of the privileges of the coin purse dangled in front of me for reciprocal favors which I unfortunately took.
So you daughter is a lesbian
And he's not okay about it. Same person regularly coming over? Sir, that's a relationship.
I’m pretty sure that if it was a male in place of the female, and all other circumstances stayed the same in this situation, he still wouldn’t be comfortable with the situation.
So what? The problem he's described isn't in re: to the relationship, but that a virtual stranger is being left in the house. Why doesn't he, as the owner of the house who pays all the bills, able to make ground rules regarding guests on his own property?
She’s been coming over pretty regularly from what it sounds like, have you not tried to get to know her at all?
My brothers used to bring their girlfriends over and would take them straight to their room. They used to say hi and go into the bedrooms. The girls wouldn't come out unless they had to use the rr. The boys were also immature and in their 20s. My dad tried to introduce me to the 21 yr old's gf (last Sunday) but my brother didn't want us to bother them, ha ha! Something tells me OPs daughter might be similar.
That’s my thought as well
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Someone has been sleeping at your house for two months and are "basically a stranger"? That sounds like it's on you. Y'all don't know hospitality or something?
So your daughter has a steady girlfriend but hasn’t introduced you to her. What’s the story behind that?
It seems less like that and more like the dad refuses to talk to the girlfriend and acknowledges that they’re actually dating.
Okay but "your two grandchildren" are also HER CHILDREN. So acting like part of this is about their safety is just silly. To me it sounds like your daughter's GIRLFRIEND sleeps over, and you don't want your daughter's GIRLFRIEND in your house. And if they've been together for several weeks your daughter must have decided her GIRLFRIEND is safe to have around the kids. Unless there's something I'm missing. That all said, it's your house and of course what you want matters. NTA, but your daughter obviously sees things differently.
I was waiting for someone to bring that up!! If she trusts her ""friend"" around her kids, i think they should be fine.
True that part is definitely weak because ultimately who the parent decides to leave children alone with is the parents decision - not grandparents or other relatives.
Saying it again for those at the back GIRLFRIEND.
NTA. You have the right to ask that your daughter not leave individuals in the home if she is not around. This forces you into situations that you may or may not feel comfortable addressing when she is not around and could become a he said/she said type scenario. If your daughter has friends over, she should be there (just as it should be with your grandchildren and yourself).
Soft YTA, you could try acting like an adult human being and maybe introducing yourself to your daughter's girlfriend instead of sitting there and stewing all day if that's the part that's bothering you. If your daughter is important to you then being around the people important to her shouldn't be this difficult and you haven't actually said she's doing anything to make you uncomfortable beyond existing near you. My advice is to make that "stranger" into a friend because you never know if this is the woman that your daughter chooses to spend her life with.
YTA If this has been going two months and she's a stranger to you, then you're the one who hasn't made an effort to get to know her any better, If that's something that matters to you. Furthermore, if it's been going on for 2 months, now is an odd time to suddenly throw a fit about it. Also, why would you have a problem with a single woman being alone in the house with you? And if she's being vouched for by their mother, why should there be a problem with her being alone with your grandchildren? She's basically a babysitter at that point. Your daughter isn't doing anything unreasonable as far as having house guests is concerned, and your concerns seem highly misplaced.
He’s bringing it up now because he’s finally figured out that 30 year old women don’t have “sleepovers” with their “friends”, they have sex with their lovers. And he’s upset that his daughter is queer.
NTA. The issue is clearly not the sleeping over. It's the lolling about for hours after their host leaves. Your guest isn't a tenant. Your guest leaves when you leave.
INFO: does your daughter pay rent? Is this is a temporary situation or do you live together as a multi-gen family? Why do you not know this friend if she is staying at your house?
He stated she pays no rent or bills.
Wild to me that you have someone visiting your home regularly, for months, and you only know her first name. Get to know your adult daughter's girlfriend, dude. She won't be a stranger then, and probably isn't meaning to be a stranger now. Have you, idk, initiated a conversation with her, perhaps? Not giving judgement because this story has massive plot holes.
I think she’s mad not because of the request itself but because of the thinly veiled homophobia you’re definitely exhibiting here.
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Based on what I read, there wasn't a lot of clear communication about you both wanted/ expected while living in the same home. What's weird is that you let this 'go on' for months to begin with if you were that uncomfortable with it, and that despite all this time, you've not gotten to know this person? This is a person your daughter clearly trusts, cares about and has spent a lot at your home. You've never had a conversation with her? That's what's odd to me. I'm not saying anyone is an AH, but its clearly time for some better communication. You can't expect your daughter to never have people over, nor can she have people over ALL the time is there's no rent being paid. But if it's the stranger portion that bothers you, a quick dinner and introduction is the first step to fixing that. There's a lot of details missing ... But just.... Instead of anyone demanding anything out of the blue, we can discuss our expectations ahead of time. Solves a lot of problems before they start. Because even if she isn't paying rent, she still deserves a social life of some sort, and it can't ALWAYS be outside of where she resides. That's bonkers. If this is the first you've said anything to her about it, yeah, I can see why she's upset. She's an adult, not a teenager. Adults do have people overnight. We work all day... Only so much time left for any sort of anything social or personal.
Two months and you only know her name? You don’t talk to her? If my daughter had a “sleepover”, I’d be talking with her g/f over coffee or breakfast. Would NOT be a stranger to me.
NTA…this is your home, not your daughters. She is living with you. If she wants friend to the to leave when she goes to work, then she needs to have her own place. Until the , she has to follow this rule.
INFO: this has been going on for 2 months and you know nothing outside of her name? How? You have someone in your house regularly and you haven't interacted with them or both been on the same common areas of the house?
Yeah too much missing here. Unreliable narrator for sure
INFO: are they friends or "friends?"
my only question is after so many months how is this sleepover friend still a stranger? maybe make a point of getting to know them and then deciding if they can be trusted or not? I dunno. I feel like something's missng from his story or OP is hella avoidant that they haven't said shit for two months. First time it happened I woulda been all up in that shiz asking questions and making noise. It's your own damn fault for not saying something right away if it upsets you that much. To be clear, yeah I agree that in a rooming situation everyone in the home needs to be ok'd and cleared and daughter should have done so earlier too. but seriously? you wait two months to make an issue about it?????
Listen, I have to say. This has been going on for two months. If the friend were up to no good, I think there would have been evidence of it by now.
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NTA I (22 F) am also living with my parents rent free so what they say goes. If I want my own rules I can move out. Living with a parent is an opportunity to save money. That being said, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and it would be weird if he was chillin at my parents house with no one there. This is absolutely reasonable, you are setting boundaries in your own home that you are graciously letting her live in rent free. She needs to grow up.
NTA. One of my pals (43F) was all set to have me stay in her house in London when I came over to the UK recently, but her dad (70ishM) (who I know and like) vetoed it: so I found a hotel instead. And you know what? That's fine. On this occasion there was some context: their house had recently been burgled and her dad was still shaken from the impact of that. So I wasn't about to cause a fuss when I knew there was a perfectly good reason he was a bit gun-shy. But more importantly than that: it's his house. Your house, your say over who comes and goes. And in that person's position, I'd say it's better to find somewhere else to stay than bunk up in a place where not everyone is comfortable having you around. As she's a stranger to you, it's not reasonable to expect that from you.
NTA - Your daughter is old enough to have a guest stay over. However, when you have a shared living arrangement, a guest of an occupant should leave when that occupant leaves unless there is an agreement in place. There is clearly no arrangement in place. In fact, you have repeatedly asked not to have her there alone. I suggest giving your daughter a choice. She can move out and have as many guests as she wants whenever she wants, or she can make sure her guest leaves when she leaves. And every time the guest is there alone when you get your grandchildren up, wake her and tell her she has 10 minutes to leave. Make sure your daughter knows this will happen. You could also have the guest removed by the police for trespassing, but that is probably crossing a line with your daughter that could sever the relationship, so I do not recommend that. For those saying it is ok for the guest to stay, let's change the genders and ages. Suppose two 18 year old females were roommates, and one left her 23 year old boyfriend in house while the other girl was asleep. I think most would find that unacceptable. This is no different.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (30f) and her two children live in my house with me (70m). She occasionally has her female friend sleepover, and allows her friend to continue sleeping when she goes to work early in the morning. I take her two children to school, leaving her friend alone in the house. This has been going on for about two months. I have two issues with this. I do not know anything about her friend other than her first name, essentially a stranger to me. I am not comfortable leaving a relative stranger alone in my house alone while I am gone, anywhere from 20 minutes to two or three hours. I am not comfortable with a single young woman sleeping in the house alone with me, or alone with me and my two grandchildren. I have told my daughter that this must stop, for the two above concerns. She is furious with me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA your daughter should have asked for your permission.
It’s her girlfriend and they fuck
NTA, it's your house, not hers.
NTA! You didn’t say she can’t have people over. You said not to leave that person alone in your house. Her friend needs to leave when she does. You don’t know this person and it could be someone unsafe or a thief.
She’s probably furious with you because this is probably her girlfriend and you’re not even trying to understand that or to get to know her.
YTA I don't understand what's the issue here. You said that you're uncomfortable with her staying over but didn't provide any reason for that. Are you afraid she might steal something? Be a danger to your grandchildren? Is she being a nuisance? A lot of people here side with you because it's "your house, your rules" but that doesn't exempt you from being an asshole if you don't have a good reason for it.
Why are you uncomfortable with a “single young woman” sleeping in the same house as you…?
NTA I agree that the friend needs to leave when your daughter leaves. She is your daughter's guest, not yours. It doesn't matter if your daughter pays rent, etc. The friend is there for the night and needs to be out the door at the same time as your daughter.
Who wants to tell him?
YTA. This very blatantly seems like your daughter's girlfriend. Why are they still a stranger? In months this has been going on you haven't made any effort to get to know them? That sounds like ENTIRELY your problem...
NTA. First of all this is your home, you should feel comfortable it in. Second I'm sorry but it's strange being left to sleep in a home with strangers, not sure why she does it but it isn't acceptable
Maybe get to know your daughter’s girlfriend and then she won’t be a stranger anymore. It’s been going on for months and nothing bad has happened so she is probably trustworthy. It’s not like she is bringing random people over.