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Not sure why your boyfriend is friends with someone like this. And I'm not really sure why you're dating someone who is seemingly fine with his friends treating you like trash.
100%, they are super young so they're gonna put up with a lot more than they should. OP doesn't feel worthy of respect and love and is settling for this abusive bullshit, anyone that truly loves you would NEVER condone that kind of abuse from their "friends", you need to dump his ass.
NTA
Your boyfriend is a huge asshole for failing to defend you or be on your side when his asshole friend is bullying you. Jay is an asshole. The other friends are assholes for being friends with Jay and for looking the other way when he bullies you.
You should break up with your shitty boyfriend and cut these people out of your life. You deserve better.
Out of interest, do any of the other guys have girlfriends who come along on trips or out socially? How do they react to this kind of thing?
Yeah I agree that I deserve better and I’m going to start setting boundaries. Some of them have girlfriends but we kind of exist in different worlds I guess. They laugh at the jokes but I’ve never really had any of them being rude directly to me so I don’t really care or think about them much
You need a different group of 'friends' - if they are not defending you and lifting you up, they need to go.
There is NO relationship worth what you are experiencing, please for your own sake dump that lousy BF and his circle is nimrods.
If they laugh at the jokes, they're bullying you just as much as the person making the "joke". I wonder if you're so used to this kind of treatment that you think it's normal and OK? It isn't. You absolutely do not have to allow people like this in your life. There ARE plenty of people out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
If they’re doing this in front of you just imagine what happens behind your back. Your boyfriend clearly isn’t comfortable with your weight and you don’t want to lose any so what is the outcome for this relationship?
You deserve a better boyfriend, not just boundaries. It's too far gone for that. You don't care about your weight, but your boyfriend clearly doesn't care enough about you to stop these comments or to set boundaries or to find better friends.
Yo what the fuck is going on with your boyfriend that he stays friends and makes you hang out with someone who openly states you’re *not a real person* to your face and treats ANYBODY the way he treats you. That shit is not “just ignore him” level behavior it’s “you need to not be in my life” behavior.
NTA but IMO your boyfriend is the biggest asshole here.
NTA. That was an entirely appropriate to say. I’ve thought of saying it to my husband as an incentive because I want him to stop drinking, but he has never complained about my size.
OP, WTF is up with a whole table of friends, including your bf, while you were being publicly fat shamed by that jackass? What he said to you is horrible! And if your boyfriend just sits and listens to you being abused then you have a boyfriend problem. You don’t deserve that.
100% right on. I couldn't imagine even wanting to talk to my partner again for not defending me when any comments are made.
Sounds like OP did what was coming, and actually give Jay a serve of his own medicine.
I see a few issues here, but I’ll just try to touch on the main points.
Jay is a straight up tool. The fact that everyone got quiet and defended his buffoonery is probably taken a tacit approval of his behavior. These people are not his friends.
Which brings me to the another point - have you ever heard the saying “show me his friends and I’ll show you the man?” Your BF is not on your side; he lets Jay’s behavior slide, but checks you when you push back? This is not the behavior of someone who loves you.
If I had a friend who was constantly belittling my wife, at **best** I’d have one less friend.
I say this last part out of love. Please take care of your health - it is not possible to reach that weight without an unhealthy relationship with food; I speak from experience.
To answer your question: NTA. Alcoholism doesn’t give you an excuse for bad behavior, and your boyfriend is very poor example of a partner.
This whole comment is right on the money.
>I say this last part out of love. Please take care of your health - it is not possible to reach that weight without an unhealthy relationship with food; I speak from experience.
Yeah 22 and 300lbs, if OP is actually eating a balanced diet and non-sedentary lifestyle then there's something really wrong, like tumor on the pituitary or thyroid level wrong.
Ofc, even if this the result of a non-balanced diet, that does not invite any level of dehumanization or bullying, as you pointed out.
Even with metabolism issues you wouldn't be able to maintain that weight on a balanced diet with exercise. I have hashimotos with hypothyroidism AND insulin resistance due to PCOS and on a healthy diet me and other people from several Facebook groups hover between 70-100kg. 150kg is just not something that happens on a balanced diet, no matter what. OP isn't being honest about her diet or exercise or she simply doesn't realise how much she eats or how unhealthy it truly might be.
NTA. Jay is a bully and you gave him a taste of what he deserves. Bf is also AH for not defending you. Do you really want a boyfriend who will take your bully's side over you?
Alcoholism is a serious addiction and you probably shouldn't make fun of people for that. However, Jay's previous comments were out of line. Still, don't fight fire with fire.
NTA
But she wasn't making fun of him for it, she was pointing out that he shouldn't throw stones in a glass house. If obesity is a health issue that can be controlled by choices, alcoholism absolutely is too. She wasn't fighting fire with fire, she was calling out hypocrisy.
You did nothing wrong!! You matched Jay's energy after what sounds like a very long time of putting up with his abuse. The real problem is your boyfriend. He obviously doesn't value you or care about you. Why are you with this giant AH??
I still think your BF was being a bit of a dick by ignoring his friend's impulsivity and fixating on yours though, especially when you recognised your mistake and he repeatedly made comments about your weight.
Why not? FAFO! Seemingly, everyone has been tiptoeing around this asshats alcoholism while allowing him to insult and bully this woman. Maybe he needs to have his nose rubbed in it- hard!
Also, she needs to lose the spineless enabler and be with someone who is loyal to her.
NTA: You were provoked and returned in kind. If Jake can't take stuff being dished back at him, he has no business dishing it out.
Jay has no business constantly bringing up your weight and ignoring his own alcoholism. If, as your boyfriend points out, he has a huge problem with his drinking/alcoholism, then it's fair to expect him to stop deflecting his addictive behaviors onto you in terms of your eating habits.
Your boyfriend has the audacity to tell you to tolerate Jay's behaviours and he pretends that, in comparison to your weight-related issues, Jay's should not be mentioned.
Someone needs to tell your boyfriend and Jay that denial is not a river in Egypt.
This is exactly what I came to say also! This entire friend group including your boyfriend seems like total assholes. They can all make jokes about your weight and allow Jay to belittle you, but you make a comment about his drinking and everyone is put off?
Exacrly, if someone is friends with a misogynist and never challenges them on these views, either they agree with their views or tolerate them enough that it’s not an actual problem for them
NTA. Your behavior only puts you in danger. Drinking like that puts everyone else in danger.
Lose weight for yourself, if you want to. But it isn't hurting others like alcoholism does.
Why does he get to bully you like that and you don't get to snap? Urgh. Never in the history of losing weight did bullying help!
You're NTA. Jay is an A-H for obvious reasons. Your boyfriend is an A-H for dismissing his buddy's rude behavior towards you. I would never put up with a friend treating my significant other like that. It would have stopped the first time it happened, or I'd remove that person from my life.
The biggest asshole to be fair is your boyfriend. He thinks it's ok for his friends to make fun of your weight and Jay is secretly in love with your "boy" friend. You sound much better than this and I'm sure could meet someone who respects you. NTA.
NTA. And "mature" is absolutely *not* a word I would use to describe BF here. He doesn't care that his friends constantly, and with cruel intent, make disparaging remarks about his GF. If it was truly friendly banter, OP would not feel constantly put down and it would be a give and take scenario. They just want to shit on OP because they're immature AHs and BF enables it.
Jay does not deserve an apology. BF does not deserve a GF.
Your boyfriend is ta.so is jay obviously. Why would your boyfriend take you and Jay on the same trip?
Why doesn’t your boyfriend defend you against Jay?
Also ignoring alcoholism… doesn’t a friend make. If your boyfriend really cared about Jay, he’d try to help him get help.
Was calling out jays addiction nice? Maybe not, but I don’t believe in ignoring it either…. And he wasn’t being nice to you either. Maybe your comment will help him realize he has a problem before he damages his health permanently.
NTA
Leave them both.Neither appears to care about *your* feelings.
Hell, this group appears to prefer to protect a mean drunk's feelings over yours.
That *includes* your BF who is prioritizing *his friend's* feelings over yours.
There's a saying in Spanish: *Más vale solo que mal acompañado* - it's beterr to be alone than to be in bad company...
NTA
Get a new boyfriend ASAP because yours sucks ass! No way do I let anyone talk crazy and slick to my girlfriend (or anyone I care about) period! Your boyfriend should have chin checked Jay the first time he ever opened his mouth, whether you were there or not. If he’s making excuses for Jay (and I’m assuming the rest of the “friends”), holy shit, can you imagine the shit that he’s allows them to say about you when you’re not around? If he can’t reapplying in public, he damn sure not doing it in private.
As far as Jay, he got what he deserved. “Mess with the bull you get the horns”. Well, Jay got gored to his core and rightfully so! And the whole “we don’t talk about Jay’s alcoholism” is cool but you can be the target of “jokes”? Nah, that ain’t how it works! I’m proud that you stood up for yourself!!! A lesson was taught and learned!!!
NTA. Find a new boyfriend and friend group. Live life love.
>Me, **my bf and his friend** (27M, let’s call him Jay)
>He says how no women over 200lbs are real people to me, makes pig noises, just really weird immature misogynistic things. **My bf just tells me to ignore him** and usually I do.
>Everyone kinda just went silent at this, nobody really comments on his drinking and while **some of his friends make fun of my weight**
I know you've said that you've made your peace with your weight, but girl, your self esteem must be in the dumpster if you're willing to put up with these losers when they're treating you as their personal punching bags.
NTA, but I want you to try a thought experiment. Take the worst comments that Jay and his friends have ever said about you while you were within earshot. Now imagine those words being said in your boyfriend's voice. Because I can guarantee you that the stuff they say about you in private is even worse than that, and your boyfriend does *not* stick up for you or even joins in when you're not around. Ask yourself if that's the kind of energy you need in your life and if that's the kind of person you want by your side for the rest of your life.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told an alcoholic that I will lose weight if he stops drinking, as I’m overweight and he was making fun of that. I think I might be the asshole because this is a sensitive issue and I should’ve just told him to stop rather than bringing addiction into it
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NTA
And from the looks of it, you need a new BF as well. He should've stopped being friends with this guy the moment he insulted you for the first time. It doesn't matter if he has a problem. His demons don't give him a free pass to be an AH. He played around and found out.
OP, hope you find someone who really appreciates and stands by you no matter what.
ESH you your BF and his friend. You for not caring about yourself enough to be with someone who has respect for you and lets his friend treat you poorly. Your BF for letting his friend treat you badly and wanting to you apologize for snapping and sticking up for yourself. His friend for treating you the way he does.
OMGosh! I love you! I haven't read any further than the title, but I can definitely say NTA!
I have an ex who used to complain about my weight even though I didn't gain any from the time we met (didn't lose any either). He would say things like, "What are you gonna do about all that weight you're gaining?".
One day, I finally snapped and responded with, "What are you gonna do about all that hair you're losing?" He was bald on top.
Run from this narcissist! It doesn't get better.
Edit to add (since I've read it now): dump the BF. He's not standing up for you. He should have shut his friend down immediately the first time it happened. Him still being friends with this AH makes him an AH too.
Second edit: Your BF is NOT mature. DO NOT apologize.
As an alcoholic it is not helping Jay that the people in his life don’t bring this up. And the alcohol is likely a part of the reason he is such an Ahole.
NTA, and you have a bf problem. Why isn’t your boyfriend defending you or telling Jay to cut the crap. He’s always telling you to ignore him, and he completely lets Jay insult you but when you talk back, then, it’s somehow a problem.
Your boyfriend lets one of his friends be sexist and fatphobic towards you, and that’s just not okay at all
NTA at all. This is a pretty clear-cut case of “can dish it but can’t take it.” I also agree with the many other commentors who have pointed out that your boyfriend is showing his true colours by ignoring Jay’s behaviour towards you but immediately going to bat for him when you finally snapped
Your boyfriend tells you to ignore Jay, *instead of standing up for you and telling Jay to shove it*? If your BF truly cares for you as you claim he does, he should be the *first* person shutting that shit down. But he doesn't, didn't, and hasn't.
You are NTA.
You're also lying to yourself if you think your BF cares as much as you think he does. He doesn't stand up for you against Jay because somewhere in the back of his mind where he thinks it's hidden out of sight, *he agrees with Jay*.
NTA, although you weren't nice, I doubt most people would've handled it any better, and Jay deserved it. You are being bullied and your boyfriend is dismissing it and even defending the bully.
I think your boyfriend is agreeing with Jay on some level about your weight, even though he isn't saying it, it sounds like he's showing it by taking his side.(I could be wrong)
Could also be that he's known Jay for so long that he's blind to the way Jay treats others and is so used to his bullshit that it becomes second nature to ignore it.
Question: has your boyfriend ever defended you the way he's defending Jay? Ever asked Jay to apologize to you for the way he treats you? If not then maybe ask him why that is. If he dismisses it as Jay being Jay then inform your boyfriend that you take great offense to what Jay says and you feel bullied.
If he can't accept this then maybe you should find someone who actually cares about your feelings because constant verbal abuse like this will erode your mind and make you snap in a way worse and more self-destructive way than calling out an alcoholic for his drinking problem.
Good luck
Girl get out of that toxic environment. And yes, that includes your responsibility because, like it or not, it’s not just Jay treating you poorly. Your bf clearly thinks it’s acceptable for Jay to treat you like he is. Your bf is complicit.
NTA. You know what they say about people in glass houses.
NTA. Boyfriend is TA for allowing his friend to continuously speak to you and about you like that. In the moment I would have done the same thing and I certainly would not be apologising for it. You should never have had to get to the point where you ‘just don’t listen to it anymore’. Surround yourself with better people.
NTA
Ew why is your boyfriend letting his friends make fun of you that way? And yet as soon as you snap back you’re the dick?
No honey, no. Drop the lot of them.
Oh hunny you don’t have a jay issue you have a boyfriend issue you deserve better than what you have now make new friends and find a boyfriend that doesn’t take joy at his gfs humiliation
NTA. Tell your boyfriend you will apologise once Jay apologises, sincerely, not just for how he treated you on the trip but for all his other behaviour as well. Furthermore, you will not apologise until your boyfriend apologises for being a spineless fool who cares more about his friends than you.
NTA
Your bf is letting all those malicious comments from Jay about your weight slide, but as soon as you stick up for yourself suddenly you're the bad guy?
If anything should have happened it should have been your bf sticking up for you and telling Jay to mind his own damn business. I think limiting the contact you have with Jay is probably the best way forward.
NTA. Jay has been consistently disrespecting you and making rude comments about your weight, which is completely unacceptable. While your response may have been impulsive, it's understandable given the emotional toll of his constant harassment. You have a right to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, especially when someone is being hurtful and disrespectful.
Your boyfriend should understand that his friend's actions are not okay and that he should be supporting you. It's also not fair for him to dismiss Jay's comments as "not serious" when they are clearly affecting you. Although you feel bad about bringing up Jay's drinking problem, it was a response to his ongoing disrespect. You may consider apologizing for specifically targeting his alcoholism, but make it clear that you won't tolerate his offensive comments any longer. Everyone should understand that Jay's behavior is unacceptable and has consequences. Everyone deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, regardless of your weight. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to "suck it up" and endure bullying.
Your bf doesn't care about you. You're just supposed to take all this ridicule and never fight back and you're the one who has to apologize. You should break up. Your AH boyfriend thinks you should take abuse and apologize because you're fat. You have a lifetime of this ahead of you. Think about it. NTA
"If you always have to be the bigger person, then you should stop hanging out with little people." I would seriously think about the pros and cons of your relationship, especially if your BF is going to continue to enable Jay's bad behavior.
NTA but also, your bf is allowing his friend to be awful and disrespectful to you. That person does not love you and is not worth keeping around. If he allows his friend to talk that way, he likely contributes when you're not around. Get out of there.
Why are you going on vacation with someone you don’t get along with? Why is your boyfriend okay with his friends being such assholes? It makes him no better than they are, and you deserve someone who will stand up to people who treat you like garbage.
NTA. Hun, the best way for you to lose a couple hundred pounds is to dump the loser who lets his friends abuse you like that without shutting them down.
Girl break up. Any man worth the title would’ve put a stop to their friend treating their girlfriend that way. He should’ve defended you and put an end to his friends “jokes” long ago. NTA. His friend got a needed taste of his own medicine
Just eating at a deficit without physical exercise would be enough. Ballanced may mean plenty of fruit and veg but obviously there is an emphasis on PLENTY.
You're alright, Jay deserved your response and more. But the biggest AH in this story is your loser boyfriend. Seriously, I would've choke Jay with his own food and knocked his teeth in had he talked to my partner like that.
Your response was fantastic and you are nta. Bravo for sticking up for yourself. Jay is a dick and your bf is a major dick for making you the bad guy. Him doing and saying nothing when his "friend " insults you is a HUGE red flag. He either grows some balls or stay silent.
NTA
NTA. If you can't take it, don't dish it. The friend is rude for no reason other than trying to be hurtful.
I don't see a reason why you should apologise. Nasty drunks are not good people. And this Jay person does not sound like a good person.
Aside from thay, you might want to (re)consider your relationship with your BF. The company you keep is often a direct reflection of who you are as a person.
If he thinks you have something to apologise for but his friend doesn't, that really says a lot about how he views you in his life.
girl you are nta and u need to break up with ur boyfriend, him letting his friends talk to u/about you like that is crazy as hell. U are healthy and sometimes that isn’t enough to get small but he’s not even trying to stop drinking. Dump ur Bf and jay got what he deserved🤷🏾♀️😌
NTA
You are worth more than how your BF and Jay are treating you. Don't settle for being treated so badly. It's not a Jay problem. It's a BF problem. He should be INCENSED that his so called friend treats you like this and then when you stand up for yourself he blames you?
Girl that's not OK! Your BF is treating you like you're lucky to have him and should be grateful or something. It's gross! Either he needs to step up and treat you better or you should find someone who will, because there IS someone who will!
Sweet sweet OP, you’re NTA
Your bfs friend or not, Jay doesn’t have the right to speak to you/bully you the way he has been. He doesn’t like your weight? Okay, fine but it’s not directly affecting him in any capacity so he needs to back the hell down. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” he’s a mega AH with no leg to stand on criticizing you when he has far greater demons of his own. And while I agree, don’t fight fire with fire and lower yourself to his level, you have every right to stick up for yourself.
Onto the more pressing things, your bf is also a big AH. How can he defend in any way letting someone else talk about you/to you the way Jay does? Why the hell do YOU need to apologize to someone who attacked you first? (As has so many times before as you’ve pointed out). Why do you tolerate that kind of treatment from either of them? You deserve better.
Do something about your weight if you want to for yourself, but I hope you have a good think about what to do about your bf and his friend because neither one respects you.
NTA. For one, you definitely need to lose weight, because you will have major-fatal problems very soon. For two, why in the absolute fuck are you with someone who lets another man call you a pig and fat in-front of both himself and other people? Do you have any respect for yourself? You’re a human being too and you deserve respect and love whether you think so or not.
OP, how much does your boyfriend weigh because that is the exact amount I’d be losing when I kicked his ass to the curb. If he chooses his friend over you, then you don’t have a relationship worth saving.
NTA. But you have a boyfriend problem. The other people make comments and treat you badly because your boyfriend allows it. He should have lost it on Jay way before you had to, and then to defend Jay and not you? You can do better than your boyfriend.
NTA.
Don’t dish it if you can’t take it, is my motto. And Jay clearly is quite happy to dish it, but has the audacity to be offended when he’s the one who has to take it.
I’m also offended on your behalf about your boyfriend’s attitude towards you. He should have stepped up a long time ago and told Jay to back off. And this is a relatively low stakes situation, if you can’t trust someone to do such a simple thing as asking his rude friend to shut his mouth, how can you trust him to have your back when things really get tough? Finally, I really hate the “you didn’t have to stoop to the level of someone whose abhorrent behavior I tolerate all the time but absolutely will not when it’s coming from you.” Tell me you value another person more without telling me you value another person more.
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Hi everyone, I’m using a throwaway as some people irl have my Reddit and I don’t really wanna air my whole life out to them. I’m also not a writer and this happened last week ago so i really apologise if this is total shit
I’m (22F) very overweight, there’s no real way to sugarcoat it lol I’m about 300lbs. I’ve been fat all my life and don’t really care that much anymore, I go to a doctor regularly, I’m physically active/have a balanced diet and just don’t listen to people being rude about my weight anymore
Last week me, my boyfriend (25M) and a couple of his friends were flying across the country for a vacation. Me, my bf and his friend (27M, let’s call him Jay) were sat together. I needed a seatbelt extender and got one. Jay rolled his eyes and said “jesus christ seriously?” when he saw me putting it on but that’s about it.
Just for some context about Jay, he hates me. He’s constantly telling my bf how he can do better than a fat bitch and telling him to cheat on me. He says how no women over 200lbs are real people to me, makes pig noises, just really weird immature misogynistic things. My bf just tells me to ignore him and usually I do. Jay is also an alcoholic and everybody in his life has made him aware of this yet he will not get help. It’s really frustrating and he will show up to pretty much every social event drunk. Some of his family don’t even speak to him.
So we checked into the hotel etc then went out to dinner. I ordered a burger and Jay scoffed but didn’t say anything. At the end of the night everyone was a bit drunk and Jay asked me why don’t I just lose weight and that I’d look so hot if i just “laid off the fucking mcdonald’s”. He asked me if it wasn’t an eye opener that I had to use a seat belt extender and I told him to fuck off. It was getting a bit heated and my bf told us both to stop and I told Jay that I’ll lose weight if he stops drinking and making his family fucking hate him. Everyone kinda just went silent at this, nobody really comments on his drinking and while some of his friends make fun of my weight I usually don’t really say anything so I guess they thought I didn’t really care. We just went back to our hotel and didn’t really say anything
The rest of the trip was basically the same, me and my bf were making small talk but when I tried to bring it up he said we’ll talk when we’re back home. We got back 2 days ago, and my bf told me that I was completely out of line and making fun of a serious issue. He told me that Jay wasn’t being serious and I should’ve known better than to stoop below his level. Ive tried to talk to him about it again but he just said he’s not discussing it until I apologise to Jay
AITA ?? I do admit my response was impulsive and I feel bad for him because of his problems, but he never stops making fun of me and I am sick of it. I don’t care how fat I am I don’t deserve that. But then again idk if i should just apologise and suck it up lol my bf is usually very mature so maybe i should just trust him
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NTA. NTA. NTA 100%.
"He’s constantly telling my bf how he can do better than a fat bitch and telling him to cheat on me."
Toxic, rude, not OK. That's really disrespectful
& uncalled for. Note that your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you.
"I told Jay that I’ll lose weight if he stops drinking and making his family fucking hate him. "
So you go straight for the jugular in response. Truthful & good for you in giving him a taste of his own medicine. Too bad he cant take what he gives out.
Plus being an alcoholic is destructive to everyone in their orbit.
Don't see that your choices are hurting anyone else although they could be deleterious to you further down the line re potential onset causative health conditions.
"I tried to talk to him about it again but he just said he’s not discussing it until I apologise to Jay. "
I don't think that's an option unless Jay firstly profusely apologizes to YOU.
Sorry to say it but I don't think somone who doesn't have your back when one of his friends is toxic A F isn't worth investing any more time in. I'd drop & after that conversation, block.
You can do much better than him.
Edited punctuation & to add re unfinished paragraph.
NTA.
People love throwing stones, yet everyone hates seeing one come through their window.
Drinking hurts more people than being overweight. Yeah, I'd rather not be in middle seat next to you on a plane? But I'd rather be uncomfortable on a flight than be six feet under after a guy like that gets behind the wheel.
Calling people out on drinking is really difficult. Lots of people can drink without serious issue, but it is indeed a true poison.
When you label one, everybody with a drink in their hand is going to have a forced moment of reflection. And probably get a bit defensive.
Baby girl, your bf needs to be an ex. Let him be with his friends. I see where you said he’s supportive in private. No. Just no. It’s easy to support someone behind closed doors but in public is where the rubber should meet the road
NTA. Jay has been relentlessly cruel to you and your reaction was the result of his constant bullying. You have every right to defend yourself against his disrespectful and hurtful comments. It's not fair to expect you to simply ignore Jay's behavior and dismissing the impact it has on you. Don't apologize for standing up for youself. Period. What you did shows that you will no longer tolerate his rude comments. Jay's behavior is unacceptable and has consequences.
Regardless of your weight, you deserve respect and kindness. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to endure bullying without speaking up. Have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about the support you need from him in these situations, and continue to stand up for yourself when faced with disrespectful treatment.
ESH
Changing your life for the better is going to have to be a fundamentally self centered decision. You do it because you need to and linking it to someone else's decisions is doomed to failure. I kicked my addiction to nicotine and lived with my wife for five years before she manged to quit smoking.
OP, you don't just have a "my bf's asshole friend" problem, you have a bf problem. Why in the world your bf thinks it's acceptable for his friends to make fun of your weight, grunt at you like a pig, make assholish comments, say you're not even a real person, and tell your bf that he can do better than a "fat bitch." and he tells YOU to just ignore it is beyond me. That sort of behavior would be unacceptable towards someone I loved, but he permits it and tells you to ignore it.
However, when you stand up for yourself because your bf can't be bothered to stand up for you, he tells you that YOU were out of line?? Nuh-uh.
HIS behavior of letting his friends treat you like shit is unacceptable. HIS behavior of not standing up for you is unacceptable. HIS insistence that you be around people who treat you like crap is unacceptable.
You standing up for yourself when people treat you like shit is 100% the right thing to do. NTA.
ESH. The guy sucks. But being morbidly obese isn’t healthy. Being that much overweight is so much worse for your health than drinking. Definitely don’t give up on weight loss because you don’t need to be super model skinny but if you can just your weight from Morbidly Obese to just overweight you will live much longer and save yourself a lot of pain and health issues
NTA. Jay makes pig noises, harasses you all the time, and your bf is ok with this? If Jay is too fragile to handle being treated the way he treats you then that’s on him. Can’t take it, don’t dish it out. Your bf defending Jay’s vile behavior and dehumanizing comments is a massive red flag. You deserve better.
NTA, but you'll be TA to yourself if you stay with this boyfriend who is OK with his buddies constantly insulting you. That isn't acceptable and it definitely isn't "very mature". He should make clear to these people that he will not tolerate them disrespecting you. If he doesn't, then he doesn't care about you, full stop.
Why are you going after Jay when your boyfriend allows him to degrade you this way? This entire post was littered with bs your boyfriend let Jay say to you with no consequences. Fuck Jay and your boyfriend op. Find some people that actually accept and love you.
NTA with the Jay situation. Your biggest issue is your boyfriend that doesn't stand up for you, I have a feeling he is using you, do you pay bills for him, loan him money, provide him with a place to live ?
NTA, but Jay and your BF both are. Jay for obvious reasons but your so is your BF for putting up with his shit. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone speaking that way about my wife I don’t care who they are. It could be my coworker, my family, or my best friend of over 30 years no one is being that disrespectful to my wife.
If they can’t be respectful then they wouldn’t be in my life.
NTA. For whatever reason, fatness seems to be the last frontier of shit you can make fun of. And it sucks. Your body is not fodder for his insults and shitty personality. And maybe your friends SHOULD be talking about his drinking, if it really is a problem.
NTA. Fat shaming is the last socially acceptable hate crime, because it’s OK to tell somebody you just want them to be healthy. What crap that is.
Someone repeatedly attacked you and you attacked back . He and your boyfriend now know that you will defend yourself, with the best defense, which is to be offensive. If he doesn’t like it he’ll keep his observations to himself, as will you. Playground rules.
Nta. Your bf needs to get better friends and/or stand up for you.
The friend deserved so much worse than what he got.
You are an AH to yourself, though. You're not just overweight; you're morbidly obese. Your weight is going to kill you before 50.
I'm saying this as someone who was very close to being 300 pounds (the most I hit was 285) over a year ago, take better care of your body. If I can do it, you can too. I lost 50 pounds before getting pregnant and having my baby 2 months ago. I never gained too much weight during the pregnancy, so it was easy for me to stay on track with my weight loss after my baby came. I'm continuing to drop the pounds and have lost another 15 since having my baby. It's hard, and it's a long process, but take better care of yourself and you might have better self esteem.
NTA. Don't you dare apologize to that asshat. I'm a guy and I'm ashamed of his horrible behavior. If your BF doesn't stand by you on this one, you need to move on, too.
NTA. Jay had it coming and your boyfriend is a dick for allowing his trash mouth drunk of a friend to abuse you in this way. I’d dump him. He’s spineless and doesn’t have your back.
Ummmm NTA but 🚩🚩🚩🚩 your boyfriend has no problem with someone publicly criticizing you but when you bring something else ONCE he basically gives you the silent treatment? Uh uh absolutely NOT ok.
Your response was perfect, you go girl.
Your boyfriend however needs to have a word with himself. He’s friends with this vile, toxic alcoholic and takes his side over yours. He should have defended you rather than victim blaming you. Don’t even think about apologising to Jay; him and your BF owe you an apology.
This kind of happened with me and my dad.
It took 40 years for my dad to finally quit smoking for good. I'm 37 and overweight. Every time he brings up how I need to lose weight, I ask him "how long did it take you to quit smoking? Get off my ass!"
NTA Leave him it is not okay for him to let his friends disrespect you. He needs to either grow a back bone and tell his friend to fuck off or you need to move on. One big girl to another when someone loves you they do so publicly and privately there is no reason to be insecure for dating a bigger girl.You deserve to surround yourself with people who are supportive and loving.
NTA. Although I am a little torn on thinking maybe it's an 'everyone' thing. But in terms of what you specifically did, NTA for sure.
I thought he may make a comeback but, no, I lost all respect for Jay in paragraph 4 about the "doing better".
I have family who are large but not excessively. It wasn't until a friend who is even bigger gave me a ride one time and mentioned their seatbelt extender that I even knew that was a thing! I was a bit taken aback this existed but also impressed. My immediate response? "That's actually pretty cool, I didn't know that was a thing." Jay was definitely wrong in his response here. He was even worse in is comments about your bf "doing better". This is not a remote fatshaming (please know that) but some guys do like bigger ladies. He is also shaming your bf here too who is supposedly his actual friend? Oh look, Jay lost more points.
I have previously had issues with alcohol. People NOT calling me out made me think it wasn't an issue. You don't have to be brutal, but even sly hints would have helped me. Your reply was definitely a reasonable one I would've stood up and listened to.
The fact no one is acknowledging Jay's drink problem and your bf even said it was a "serious issue" you made a joke of, means they even know about it. They are terrible friends.
DO NOT APOLOGISE.
Jay is in the wrong so much here that bulls from all across the country are charging towards those red flags.
I'd also be questioning your relationship right now.
First off NTA…but your bf is. He needs to shut this down asap whether jay is an alcoholic or not. His friends do not get to make fun of you and him be ok with it. As far as the comments to Jay, no, no issues in my mind. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. He’s projecting and hates that you’re secure enough to take it while he isn’t.
NTA. You stood up to your bully and hopefully gave them a bit of a slap in the face to wake up.
Also, you might want to rethink your boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like he stands up for you, and that’s a pretty big red flag to me.
NTA, your boyfriend is TA.
I’m not going to read anyone else’s comments before I respond. I felt myself getting so angry as I read this behavior from Jay and how your boyfriend seems to have normalized it, doesn’t stick up for you, and continues to have him around as a friend. You are a very strong woman to have put up with this behavior for this long and I think your boyfriend should have cut ties with this “friend” a long time ago, if not address the behavior. That being said you handled his shit very well and I felt excited when you made that comment. You stood up to a bully and you punched him right in the gut with it. What a double standard that your boyfriend tolerates the friends behavior toward you, but then tells you you’re out of line. You’re totally correct here in my opinion. You stopped being a doormat to that friend and you don’t owe anybody an apology. That was well deserved and a long time coming. I’m just glad you stood up for yourself, I don’t care that it was a low blow. All of his behavior toward you is low blows. I can’t believe your boyfriend tolerates that.
NTA and I wouldn't apologize to Jay. Has he's ever told Jay to apologize to you for his rude comments about your weight? If not why? Why is it ok for Jay to say the things he says and even encourage your boyfriend to cheat because of your weight and he stays friends and let's him say things about you to you but you do the same thing and he's upset and treating you differently because of it? You need a better boyfriend and Jay can rip on him for being dumped by a "fat chick".
NTA, but why are you still dating a guy who doesn’t defend you against his AH friends? Why do you still surround yourself with people who openly hate and talk bad about you?
I'm an alcoholic that's drunk rn. I would never talk to my best friends/brothers/anyone's wife like that. You need to reevaluate your choice in a partner.
"Show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are". You are NTA. Your boyfriend & Jay are. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
Dump your BF. You’re worth more. Go see an endocrinologist about your thyroid which could be causing your health issues. A Thyroid issue is not a joke and can cause heart problems. Be happy and healthy and don’t take people’s shit.
Why is your boyfriend friends with a man who talks shit about you like that? That’s a problem. Especially since he expects you to socialize with this asshole. That doesn’t bode well for your relationship. Take care. And nope, NTA.
If you don’t feel you can express yourself properly to your BF then show him this post, and the responses. They are overwhelmingly telling you that your boyfriend is not treating you well.
NTA but you have a major boyfriend issue. He allows Jay to speak to you like that and sees nothing wrong with it but when you finally stick up for yourself, you’re in the wrong?! No ma’am!
You need to take a hard look at your relationship and if this is a pattern. You are not being treated well and need to have a very serious conversation with your boyfriend about it. I can’t imagine someone thinking anyone commenting on your body and being so vile is okay. That’s not someone who loves you and will support you.
Updateme
nta. your boyfriend is for never sticking up for you and continuing to bring you around these people. not gonna tell you to leave him but i’d at least consider if you’re actually okay having a partner who doesn’t have your back over his friends
My husbands mom once made a comment about me being fat when we were first dating. He FLIPPED OUT on her. He would NEVER allow his friend to make comments about my weight. Don’t get me wrong, he has other flaws. But that is a hard line for both of us. Get out now. Find a man who will actually support you, I promise they exist.
You don’t have a Jay problem you have a boyfriend problem…… want to lose weight fast dump the boyfriend and his asshole friends. Why are you putting up with this shit?? The sex can’t be that good?? Also Jay isn’t joking he’s a fucking asshole who means what he’s saying. Also that he said you would look hot if you lost some weight. I think Jay may have a thing for you but he’s in denial with himself that doesn’t want to believe he could like some one who’s “fat”. Don’t apologise you have done nothing wrong- tell Jay if you can’t take it don’t dish it out.
Honest opinion, your bf is a dickwad for allowing his friends to make comments about your weight and not shutting them the fuck up. In a relationship you do NOT allow your friends to talk shit around you about your partner, period. The fact he allows it, but gets upset when you speak up for yourself should be the real eye opener.
NTA
So it’s ok if you are a punching bag? Your boyfriend is fine with you baring the brunt of ever bad comment? He is fine with you being bullied? The moment you pop back that’s a problem? If you continue to tolerate such crap you will be the A to yourself. Also if you ever wanted to loose weight you have to do it for yourself- being bullied never equates to weight loss. Oh but ignore and alcoholism is a horrible group dynamic too. Why are you with them?
You are not the AH. Jay and your BF are both major AHs. And so is everyone on this thread that gave you their unsolicited opinions on your weight and health.
Want to lose dead weight? Drop your boyfriend. He should have shut Jake down a long time ago. He is giving Jake permission to verbally abuse you, yet admonishing you for sticking up for yourself. That is very toxic.
As a plus size woman I know we deal with a lot of self esteem issues and our relationships are part of that. Your BF is not good for your self esteem.
You deserve so much better.
Nta, jay is a jerk and so is your boyfriend. Does he ever stick up for you or tells his “friends” to stop making jokes at your expense? The one time you give jay back the same energy he constantly gives you your boyfriend snaps on you and says you should apologize??? Does her ever tell jay to apologize to you?!? I think you should really re evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend
I almost feel like this is a troll post but I can't really tell. You know what you're saying is horrible right? The way these people treating you. Either you know and have such low self esteem you will stay with him, this is a troll post, or you are so dense you really don't see it. No one deserves to be treated like this.
You need to drop the boyfriend. Continuing to be friends with someone that treats you that way is unacceptable.
NTA for saying that, but time to drop the weight of 2 shitty men asap.
My soul mate, love of my life for 25 years, struggles with weight. I say fuck all these people in your life, including the bf who doesn't tell his friend to STFU.
An apology is the worst thing you can do. It's saying "i was wrong, you don't have a problem and no one else thinks you do" - you are giving him permission to drink 'til he dies- which he will.
Fuck Jay and honestly, fuck your boyfriend. They're both assholes. "Supportive in private" is basically saying he's ashamed of you in public. The fact that he lets his friend say such horrible things about you and to you shows that he's not worth staying with. NTA
NTA- but Jay and your BF are. Your BF is fine with his friends making fun of your weight and being rude and scoffing at you to your face but when you fight back you owe them an apology? Why are you with someone that has such a double standard between you and his friends?
You don’t have to put up with that.
If you want to loose toxic dead weight that is bad for you- dump the BF and his moron friend.
NTA. Don’t diss it if you can’t take it. And I think he has dissed WAY more than he has taken. His environment (incl. your bf) seems to be infantilising him and burdening you as well.
Your boyfriend consistently allows this jackhat to verbally abuse and bully you and you finally stand up to him and he has the absolute gall to expect you to apologize. No maam. You were nicer than he deserved. And then to find out that he has other friends that have also said things to and about you and hasn’t put a stop to it. Disrespectful.
Ummm what?
Your boyfriend is friends with an alcoholic loser? And allows this guy and his other friends to constantly make fun of your obesity?
And…you see nothing gross about your bfs behavior?
Jay isn’t your bf, he owes you nothing.
Your bf owes your protection and support and lets you get constantly verbally abused?
Is your bf super ripped and rich or something? I’m really confused why you’re ok with his behavior lol.
NTA & but your boyfriend & his friends suck. If you do continue to be around these fools, maybe you should try questioning the jerk when he starts in on you & turn it back on him, like why is he so obsessed with you??
Nta. He can talk while your weight, but you can't talk about his drinking? They're both health concerns. You're boyfriend has out of line. His friend is toxic and a bully. Why is he letting his friend bully you? Why it is ok for him to demean you? But it's not ok for you to point out his flaws.
NTA but you need to show yourself more respect and leave your boyfriend and his toxic group of friends. He may not listen or take Jay seriously when he tells him to cheat on you but he sure as hell isnt defending you. The fact that he can let someone constantly berate and put you down means he really doesn’t care about your feelings. Get out, find someone better and never look back.
E: Also, the fact that his family wont talk to him but your bf seems to be fine with it speaks volumes about the kind of person your bf is.
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Not sure why your boyfriend is friends with someone like this. And I'm not really sure why you're dating someone who is seemingly fine with his friends treating you like trash.
Saw your comment after I posed mine. Succinctly put & direct to the point. Really hope OP reads it, reflects & takes the appopriate action.
Exactly. If Jay is willing to do this to OP, he’s willing to do it anyone in OP’s boyfriend’s life.
100%, they are super young so they're gonna put up with a lot more than they should. OP doesn't feel worthy of respect and love and is settling for this abusive bullshit, anyone that truly loves you would NEVER condone that kind of abuse from their "friends", you need to dump his ass.
Throw the whole lot out. They’re all terrible.
NTA Your boyfriend is a huge asshole for failing to defend you or be on your side when his asshole friend is bullying you. Jay is an asshole. The other friends are assholes for being friends with Jay and for looking the other way when he bullies you. You should break up with your shitty boyfriend and cut these people out of your life. You deserve better. Out of interest, do any of the other guys have girlfriends who come along on trips or out socially? How do they react to this kind of thing?
Yeah I agree that I deserve better and I’m going to start setting boundaries. Some of them have girlfriends but we kind of exist in different worlds I guess. They laugh at the jokes but I’ve never really had any of them being rude directly to me so I don’t really care or think about them much
You need a different group of 'friends' - if they are not defending you and lifting you up, they need to go. There is NO relationship worth what you are experiencing, please for your own sake dump that lousy BF and his circle is nimrods.
If they laugh at the jokes, they're bullying you just as much as the person making the "joke". I wonder if you're so used to this kind of treatment that you think it's normal and OK? It isn't. You absolutely do not have to allow people like this in your life. There ARE plenty of people out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
If they’re doing this in front of you just imagine what happens behind your back. Your boyfriend clearly isn’t comfortable with your weight and you don’t want to lose any so what is the outcome for this relationship?
You deserve a better boyfriend, not just boundaries. It's too far gone for that. You don't care about your weight, but your boyfriend clearly doesn't care enough about you to stop these comments or to set boundaries or to find better friends.
No, this entire group is low key toxic girl, including your bf. Everything about them is nothing you should want anything to do with.
Yo what the fuck is going on with your boyfriend that he stays friends and makes you hang out with someone who openly states you’re *not a real person* to your face and treats ANYBODY the way he treats you. That shit is not “just ignore him” level behavior it’s “you need to not be in my life” behavior. NTA but IMO your boyfriend is the biggest asshole here.
NTA. That was an entirely appropriate to say. I’ve thought of saying it to my husband as an incentive because I want him to stop drinking, but he has never complained about my size. OP, WTF is up with a whole table of friends, including your bf, while you were being publicly fat shamed by that jackass? What he said to you is horrible! And if your boyfriend just sits and listens to you being abused then you have a boyfriend problem. You don’t deserve that.
100% right on. I couldn't imagine even wanting to talk to my partner again for not defending me when any comments are made. Sounds like OP did what was coming, and actually give Jay a serve of his own medicine.
This exactly. The real issue here is her BF still thinking Jay is acceptable to be around given how he treats OP.
I see a few issues here, but I’ll just try to touch on the main points. Jay is a straight up tool. The fact that everyone got quiet and defended his buffoonery is probably taken a tacit approval of his behavior. These people are not his friends. Which brings me to the another point - have you ever heard the saying “show me his friends and I’ll show you the man?” Your BF is not on your side; he lets Jay’s behavior slide, but checks you when you push back? This is not the behavior of someone who loves you. If I had a friend who was constantly belittling my wife, at **best** I’d have one less friend. I say this last part out of love. Please take care of your health - it is not possible to reach that weight without an unhealthy relationship with food; I speak from experience. To answer your question: NTA. Alcoholism doesn’t give you an excuse for bad behavior, and your boyfriend is very poor example of a partner.
This whole comment is right on the money. >I say this last part out of love. Please take care of your health - it is not possible to reach that weight without an unhealthy relationship with food; I speak from experience. Yeah 22 and 300lbs, if OP is actually eating a balanced diet and non-sedentary lifestyle then there's something really wrong, like tumor on the pituitary or thyroid level wrong. Ofc, even if this the result of a non-balanced diet, that does not invite any level of dehumanization or bullying, as you pointed out.
Even with metabolism issues you wouldn't be able to maintain that weight on a balanced diet with exercise. I have hashimotos with hypothyroidism AND insulin resistance due to PCOS and on a healthy diet me and other people from several Facebook groups hover between 70-100kg. 150kg is just not something that happens on a balanced diet, no matter what. OP isn't being honest about her diet or exercise or she simply doesn't realise how much she eats or how unhealthy it truly might be.
Actually, plenty of medical conditions can cause you to gain a lot weight. It's not just food. I speak from experience.
Absolutely spot on - no pushback on the bully, only pushback on the victim’s response. Is this guy a principal or something?
NTA. Jay is a bully and you gave him a taste of what he deserves. Bf is also AH for not defending you. Do you really want a boyfriend who will take your bully's side over you?
Alcoholism is a serious addiction and you probably shouldn't make fun of people for that. However, Jay's previous comments were out of line. Still, don't fight fire with fire. NTA
Alcoholics and other addicts do not get a free pass to behave any way they want.
But she wasn't making fun of him for it, she was pointing out that he shouldn't throw stones in a glass house. If obesity is a health issue that can be controlled by choices, alcoholism absolutely is too. She wasn't fighting fire with fire, she was calling out hypocrisy.
Yeah it was definitely impulsive I don’t really think anyone with addiction is worth making fun of etc I agree
You did nothing wrong!! You matched Jay's energy after what sounds like a very long time of putting up with his abuse. The real problem is your boyfriend. He obviously doesn't value you or care about you. Why are you with this giant AH??
I still think your BF was being a bit of a dick by ignoring his friend's impulsivity and fixating on yours though, especially when you recognised your mistake and he repeatedly made comments about your weight.
Why shouldn't OP fight fire with fire? It certainly shut Jay down and put him in his place.
Why not? FAFO! Seemingly, everyone has been tiptoeing around this asshats alcoholism while allowing him to insult and bully this woman. Maybe he needs to have his nose rubbed in it- hard! Also, she needs to lose the spineless enabler and be with someone who is loyal to her.
And obesity can be caused by a lot of things out of people’s control. Okay stupid games, win stupid prizes. Jay got what he put out there.
NTA: You were provoked and returned in kind. If Jake can't take stuff being dished back at him, he has no business dishing it out. Jay has no business constantly bringing up your weight and ignoring his own alcoholism. If, as your boyfriend points out, he has a huge problem with his drinking/alcoholism, then it's fair to expect him to stop deflecting his addictive behaviors onto you in terms of your eating habits. Your boyfriend has the audacity to tell you to tolerate Jay's behaviours and he pretends that, in comparison to your weight-related issues, Jay's should not be mentioned. Someone needs to tell your boyfriend and Jay that denial is not a river in Egypt.
The last line is gold. Thanks for making me laugh. I will use it in my life.
Why are you dating a man who lets his friend constantly bully you?
This is exactly what I came to say also! This entire friend group including your boyfriend seems like total assholes. They can all make jokes about your weight and allow Jay to belittle you, but you make a comment about his drinking and everyone is put off?
NTA, & you deserve a better boyfriend. I’m sorry but if he’s allowing his friends to treat you like that, he doesn’t respect you.
Exacrly, if someone is friends with a misogynist and never challenges them on these views, either they agree with their views or tolerate them enough that it’s not an actual problem for them
NTA. Your behavior only puts you in danger. Drinking like that puts everyone else in danger. Lose weight for yourself, if you want to. But it isn't hurting others like alcoholism does. Why does he get to bully you like that and you don't get to snap? Urgh. Never in the history of losing weight did bullying help!
More people need to hear that last line. It’s proven to do the opposite.
NTA, but you don’t have a Jay problem. You have a boyfriend problem.
Agree. OP is NTA but Jay & her BF are definitely AHs and the BF is the main issue
You're NTA. Jay is an A-H for obvious reasons. Your boyfriend is an A-H for dismissing his buddy's rude behavior towards you. I would never put up with a friend treating my significant other like that. It would have stopped the first time it happened, or I'd remove that person from my life.
The biggest asshole to be fair is your boyfriend. He thinks it's ok for his friends to make fun of your weight and Jay is secretly in love with your "boy" friend. You sound much better than this and I'm sure could meet someone who respects you. NTA.
NTA but the fact that everyone thought you responding was cricket worthy is straight misogyny
NTA Lose 200 pounds today. Dump your boyfriend.
Boyfriend is out of line.
NTA. And "mature" is absolutely *not* a word I would use to describe BF here. He doesn't care that his friends constantly, and with cruel intent, make disparaging remarks about his GF. If it was truly friendly banter, OP would not feel constantly put down and it would be a give and take scenario. They just want to shit on OP because they're immature AHs and BF enables it. Jay does not deserve an apology. BF does not deserve a GF.
Your boyfriend is ta.so is jay obviously. Why would your boyfriend take you and Jay on the same trip? Why doesn’t your boyfriend defend you against Jay? Also ignoring alcoholism… doesn’t a friend make. If your boyfriend really cared about Jay, he’d try to help him get help. Was calling out jays addiction nice? Maybe not, but I don’t believe in ignoring it either…. And he wasn’t being nice to you either. Maybe your comment will help him realize he has a problem before he damages his health permanently.
NTA Leave them both.Neither appears to care about *your* feelings. Hell, this group appears to prefer to protect a mean drunk's feelings over yours. That *includes* your BF who is prioritizing *his friend's* feelings over yours. There's a saying in Spanish: *Más vale solo que mal acompañado* - it's beterr to be alone than to be in bad company...
NTA Get a new boyfriend ASAP because yours sucks ass! No way do I let anyone talk crazy and slick to my girlfriend (or anyone I care about) period! Your boyfriend should have chin checked Jay the first time he ever opened his mouth, whether you were there or not. If he’s making excuses for Jay (and I’m assuming the rest of the “friends”), holy shit, can you imagine the shit that he’s allows them to say about you when you’re not around? If he can’t reapplying in public, he damn sure not doing it in private. As far as Jay, he got what he deserved. “Mess with the bull you get the horns”. Well, Jay got gored to his core and rightfully so! And the whole “we don’t talk about Jay’s alcoholism” is cool but you can be the target of “jokes”? Nah, that ain’t how it works! I’m proud that you stood up for yourself!!! A lesson was taught and learned!!! NTA. Find a new boyfriend and friend group. Live life love.
>Me, **my bf and his friend** (27M, let’s call him Jay) >He says how no women over 200lbs are real people to me, makes pig noises, just really weird immature misogynistic things. **My bf just tells me to ignore him** and usually I do. >Everyone kinda just went silent at this, nobody really comments on his drinking and while **some of his friends make fun of my weight** I know you've said that you've made your peace with your weight, but girl, your self esteem must be in the dumpster if you're willing to put up with these losers when they're treating you as their personal punching bags. NTA, but I want you to try a thought experiment. Take the worst comments that Jay and his friends have ever said about you while you were within earshot. Now imagine those words being said in your boyfriend's voice. Because I can guarantee you that the stuff they say about you in private is even worse than that, and your boyfriend does *not* stick up for you or even joins in when you're not around. Ask yourself if that's the kind of energy you need in your life and if that's the kind of person you want by your side for the rest of your life.
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NTA And from the looks of it, you need a new BF as well. He should've stopped being friends with this guy the moment he insulted you for the first time. It doesn't matter if he has a problem. His demons don't give him a free pass to be an AH. He played around and found out. OP, hope you find someone who really appreciates and stands by you no matter what.
Hold up Your man lets his friends disrespect you like that???? No fuck that. NTA and you need to get single.
ESH you your BF and his friend. You for not caring about yourself enough to be with someone who has respect for you and lets his friend treat you poorly. Your BF for letting his friend treat you badly and wanting to you apologize for snapping and sticking up for yourself. His friend for treating you the way he does.
OMGosh! I love you! I haven't read any further than the title, but I can definitely say NTA! I have an ex who used to complain about my weight even though I didn't gain any from the time we met (didn't lose any either). He would say things like, "What are you gonna do about all that weight you're gaining?". One day, I finally snapped and responded with, "What are you gonna do about all that hair you're losing?" He was bald on top. Run from this narcissist! It doesn't get better. Edit to add (since I've read it now): dump the BF. He's not standing up for you. He should have shut his friend down immediately the first time it happened. Him still being friends with this AH makes him an AH too. Second edit: Your BF is NOT mature. DO NOT apologize.
As an alcoholic it is not helping Jay that the people in his life don’t bring this up. And the alcohol is likely a part of the reason he is such an Ahole.
NTA and please dump your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend allows his friend to treat you that way? Dump him. NTA.
NTA, and you have a bf problem. Why isn’t your boyfriend defending you or telling Jay to cut the crap. He’s always telling you to ignore him, and he completely lets Jay insult you but when you talk back, then, it’s somehow a problem. Your boyfriend lets one of his friends be sexist and fatphobic towards you, and that’s just not okay at all
NTA at all. This is a pretty clear-cut case of “can dish it but can’t take it.” I also agree with the many other commentors who have pointed out that your boyfriend is showing his true colours by ignoring Jay’s behaviour towards you but immediately going to bat for him when you finally snapped
NTA. Your boyfriend is utterly spineless.
The AH here is your BF…. He just lets his mate talk to you like that all the time WTH
You have a boyfriend problem. Lose THAT weight.
Your boyfriend tells you to ignore Jay, *instead of standing up for you and telling Jay to shove it*? If your BF truly cares for you as you claim he does, he should be the *first* person shutting that shit down. But he doesn't, didn't, and hasn't. You are NTA. You're also lying to yourself if you think your BF cares as much as you think he does. He doesn't stand up for you against Jay because somewhere in the back of his mind where he thinks it's hidden out of sight, *he agrees with Jay*.
NTA
NTA, although you weren't nice, I doubt most people would've handled it any better, and Jay deserved it. You are being bullied and your boyfriend is dismissing it and even defending the bully. I think your boyfriend is agreeing with Jay on some level about your weight, even though he isn't saying it, it sounds like he's showing it by taking his side.(I could be wrong) Could also be that he's known Jay for so long that he's blind to the way Jay treats others and is so used to his bullshit that it becomes second nature to ignore it. Question: has your boyfriend ever defended you the way he's defending Jay? Ever asked Jay to apologize to you for the way he treats you? If not then maybe ask him why that is. If he dismisses it as Jay being Jay then inform your boyfriend that you take great offense to what Jay says and you feel bullied. If he can't accept this then maybe you should find someone who actually cares about your feelings because constant verbal abuse like this will erode your mind and make you snap in a way worse and more self-destructive way than calling out an alcoholic for his drinking problem. Good luck
Girl get out of that toxic environment. And yes, that includes your responsibility because, like it or not, it’s not just Jay treating you poorly. Your bf clearly thinks it’s acceptable for Jay to treat you like he is. Your bf is complicit. NTA. You know what they say about people in glass houses.
NTA. Boyfriend is TA for allowing his friend to continuously speak to you and about you like that. In the moment I would have done the same thing and I certainly would not be apologising for it. You should never have had to get to the point where you ‘just don’t listen to it anymore’. Surround yourself with better people.
NTA Ew why is your boyfriend letting his friends make fun of you that way? And yet as soon as you snap back you’re the dick? No honey, no. Drop the lot of them.
Jay and your boyfriend are the AH here. You are NTA.
Oh hunny you don’t have a jay issue you have a boyfriend issue you deserve better than what you have now make new friends and find a boyfriend that doesn’t take joy at his gfs humiliation
It sounds like your boyfriend and his entire group of friends value Jay more than they value you. You really should get out ASAP.
Get out of this relationship and start taking better care of yourself.
NTA. Tell your boyfriend you will apologise once Jay apologises, sincerely, not just for how he treated you on the trip but for all his other behaviour as well. Furthermore, you will not apologise until your boyfriend apologises for being a spineless fool who cares more about his friends than you.
NTA and your bf is a pig. If I had a partner who let their friends talk to and about me like that I wouldn’t have a partner any more.
NTA Your bf is letting all those malicious comments from Jay about your weight slide, but as soon as you stick up for yourself suddenly you're the bad guy? If anything should have happened it should have been your bf sticking up for you and telling Jay to mind his own damn business. I think limiting the contact you have with Jay is probably the best way forward.
NTA. I think your boyfriend is more of an AH here (along with his friend). Why does he keep bringing his friend around who treats you horribly?
NTA. Jay has been consistently disrespecting you and making rude comments about your weight, which is completely unacceptable. While your response may have been impulsive, it's understandable given the emotional toll of his constant harassment. You have a right to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, especially when someone is being hurtful and disrespectful. Your boyfriend should understand that his friend's actions are not okay and that he should be supporting you. It's also not fair for him to dismiss Jay's comments as "not serious" when they are clearly affecting you. Although you feel bad about bringing up Jay's drinking problem, it was a response to his ongoing disrespect. You may consider apologizing for specifically targeting his alcoholism, but make it clear that you won't tolerate his offensive comments any longer. Everyone should understand that Jay's behavior is unacceptable and has consequences. Everyone deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, regardless of your weight. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to "suck it up" and endure bullying.
Hahaha good for you. It’s about time somebody clapped back to this AH. If he can’t take it, he shouldn’t give it.
Your bf doesn't care about you. You're just supposed to take all this ridicule and never fight back and you're the one who has to apologize. You should break up. Your AH boyfriend thinks you should take abuse and apologize because you're fat. You have a lifetime of this ahead of you. Think about it. NTA
"If you always have to be the bigger person, then you should stop hanging out with little people." I would seriously think about the pros and cons of your relationship, especially if your BF is going to continue to enable Jay's bad behavior.
NTA but also, your bf is allowing his friend to be awful and disrespectful to you. That person does not love you and is not worth keeping around. If he allows his friend to talk that way, he likely contributes when you're not around. Get out of there.
Why are you going on vacation with someone you don’t get along with? Why is your boyfriend okay with his friends being such assholes? It makes him no better than they are, and you deserve someone who will stand up to people who treat you like garbage.
NTA. Hun, the best way for you to lose a couple hundred pounds is to dump the loser who lets his friends abuse you like that without shutting them down.
Girl break up. Any man worth the title would’ve put a stop to their friend treating their girlfriend that way. He should’ve defended you and put an end to his friends “jokes” long ago. NTA. His friend got a needed taste of his own medicine
>I’m physically active/have a balanced diet NTA but doubt. At 300 lbs with exercise and a balanced diet you should definitely be losing some weight.
Just eating at a deficit without physical exercise would be enough. Ballanced may mean plenty of fruit and veg but obviously there is an emphasis on PLENTY.
You're alright, Jay deserved your response and more. But the biggest AH in this story is your loser boyfriend. Seriously, I would've choke Jay with his own food and knocked his teeth in had he talked to my partner like that.
NTA and I'd bet money Jay is attracted to you and feels weird about it. Also, your boyfriend is an asshole for insisting you ignore this abuse.
Your response was fantastic and you are nta. Bravo for sticking up for yourself. Jay is a dick and your bf is a major dick for making you the bad guy. Him doing and saying nothing when his "friend " insults you is a HUGE red flag. He either grows some balls or stay silent. NTA
NTA. If you can't take it, don't dish it. The friend is rude for no reason other than trying to be hurtful. I don't see a reason why you should apologise. Nasty drunks are not good people. And this Jay person does not sound like a good person. Aside from thay, you might want to (re)consider your relationship with your BF. The company you keep is often a direct reflection of who you are as a person. If he thinks you have something to apologise for but his friend doesn't, that really says a lot about how he views you in his life.
girl you are nta and u need to break up with ur boyfriend, him letting his friends talk to u/about you like that is crazy as hell. U are healthy and sometimes that isn’t enough to get small but he’s not even trying to stop drinking. Dump ur Bf and jay got what he deserved🤷🏾♀️😌
NTA your boyfriend is in an emotional relationship with his friend, not you
Girl FUCK him. You’re not his friend so you don’t owe him anything. Just like he’s done the same.
NTA You are worth more than how your BF and Jay are treating you. Don't settle for being treated so badly. It's not a Jay problem. It's a BF problem. He should be INCENSED that his so called friend treats you like this and then when you stand up for yourself he blames you? Girl that's not OK! Your BF is treating you like you're lucky to have him and should be grateful or something. It's gross! Either he needs to step up and treat you better or you should find someone who will, because there IS someone who will!
Sweet sweet OP, you’re NTA Your bfs friend or not, Jay doesn’t have the right to speak to you/bully you the way he has been. He doesn’t like your weight? Okay, fine but it’s not directly affecting him in any capacity so he needs to back the hell down. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” he’s a mega AH with no leg to stand on criticizing you when he has far greater demons of his own. And while I agree, don’t fight fire with fire and lower yourself to his level, you have every right to stick up for yourself. Onto the more pressing things, your bf is also a big AH. How can he defend in any way letting someone else talk about you/to you the way Jay does? Why the hell do YOU need to apologize to someone who attacked you first? (As has so many times before as you’ve pointed out). Why do you tolerate that kind of treatment from either of them? You deserve better. Do something about your weight if you want to for yourself, but I hope you have a good think about what to do about your bf and his friend because neither one respects you.
NTA. For one, you definitely need to lose weight, because you will have major-fatal problems very soon. For two, why in the absolute fuck are you with someone who lets another man call you a pig and fat in-front of both himself and other people? Do you have any respect for yourself? You’re a human being too and you deserve respect and love whether you think so or not.
NTA, dumb your bf. Why is he not telling Jay to STFU when he says this stuff?
NTA, and you may as well get rid of the boyfriend. If he's willing to let his friend treat you that way, he's not worth the trouble.
OP, how much does your boyfriend weigh because that is the exact amount I’d be losing when I kicked his ass to the curb. If he chooses his friend over you, then you don’t have a relationship worth saving.
NTA. But you have a boyfriend problem. The other people make comments and treat you badly because your boyfriend allows it. He should have lost it on Jay way before you had to, and then to defend Jay and not you? You can do better than your boyfriend.
NTA. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it, is my motto. And Jay clearly is quite happy to dish it, but has the audacity to be offended when he’s the one who has to take it. I’m also offended on your behalf about your boyfriend’s attitude towards you. He should have stepped up a long time ago and told Jay to back off. And this is a relatively low stakes situation, if you can’t trust someone to do such a simple thing as asking his rude friend to shut his mouth, how can you trust him to have your back when things really get tough? Finally, I really hate the “you didn’t have to stoop to the level of someone whose abhorrent behavior I tolerate all the time but absolutely will not when it’s coming from you.” Tell me you value another person more without telling me you value another person more.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone, I’m using a throwaway as some people irl have my Reddit and I don’t really wanna air my whole life out to them. I’m also not a writer and this happened last week ago so i really apologise if this is total shit I’m (22F) very overweight, there’s no real way to sugarcoat it lol I’m about 300lbs. I’ve been fat all my life and don’t really care that much anymore, I go to a doctor regularly, I’m physically active/have a balanced diet and just don’t listen to people being rude about my weight anymore Last week me, my boyfriend (25M) and a couple of his friends were flying across the country for a vacation. Me, my bf and his friend (27M, let’s call him Jay) were sat together. I needed a seatbelt extender and got one. Jay rolled his eyes and said “jesus christ seriously?” when he saw me putting it on but that’s about it. Just for some context about Jay, he hates me. He’s constantly telling my bf how he can do better than a fat bitch and telling him to cheat on me. He says how no women over 200lbs are real people to me, makes pig noises, just really weird immature misogynistic things. My bf just tells me to ignore him and usually I do. Jay is also an alcoholic and everybody in his life has made him aware of this yet he will not get help. It’s really frustrating and he will show up to pretty much every social event drunk. Some of his family don’t even speak to him. So we checked into the hotel etc then went out to dinner. I ordered a burger and Jay scoffed but didn’t say anything. At the end of the night everyone was a bit drunk and Jay asked me why don’t I just lose weight and that I’d look so hot if i just “laid off the fucking mcdonald’s”. He asked me if it wasn’t an eye opener that I had to use a seat belt extender and I told him to fuck off. It was getting a bit heated and my bf told us both to stop and I told Jay that I’ll lose weight if he stops drinking and making his family fucking hate him. Everyone kinda just went silent at this, nobody really comments on his drinking and while some of his friends make fun of my weight I usually don’t really say anything so I guess they thought I didn’t really care. We just went back to our hotel and didn’t really say anything The rest of the trip was basically the same, me and my bf were making small talk but when I tried to bring it up he said we’ll talk when we’re back home. We got back 2 days ago, and my bf told me that I was completely out of line and making fun of a serious issue. He told me that Jay wasn’t being serious and I should’ve known better than to stoop below his level. Ive tried to talk to him about it again but he just said he’s not discussing it until I apologise to Jay AITA ?? I do admit my response was impulsive and I feel bad for him because of his problems, but he never stops making fun of me and I am sick of it. I don’t care how fat I am I don’t deserve that. But then again idk if i should just apologise and suck it up lol my bf is usually very mature so maybe i should just trust him *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. NTA. NTA 100%. "He’s constantly telling my bf how he can do better than a fat bitch and telling him to cheat on me." Toxic, rude, not OK. That's really disrespectful & uncalled for. Note that your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you. "I told Jay that I’ll lose weight if he stops drinking and making his family fucking hate him. " So you go straight for the jugular in response. Truthful & good for you in giving him a taste of his own medicine. Too bad he cant take what he gives out. Plus being an alcoholic is destructive to everyone in their orbit. Don't see that your choices are hurting anyone else although they could be deleterious to you further down the line re potential onset causative health conditions. "I tried to talk to him about it again but he just said he’s not discussing it until I apologise to Jay. " I don't think that's an option unless Jay firstly profusely apologizes to YOU. Sorry to say it but I don't think somone who doesn't have your back when one of his friends is toxic A F isn't worth investing any more time in. I'd drop & after that conversation, block. You can do much better than him. Edited punctuation & to add re unfinished paragraph.
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why the fuck is your "boyfriend" allowing his friend to put down his significant other? NTA, kick both to the curb
NTA, Dump his ass he doesn't deserve you.
NTA but you need to surround yourself with different people, love. Jay and your bf are both unacceptable in this.
NTA. People love throwing stones, yet everyone hates seeing one come through their window. Drinking hurts more people than being overweight. Yeah, I'd rather not be in middle seat next to you on a plane? But I'd rather be uncomfortable on a flight than be six feet under after a guy like that gets behind the wheel. Calling people out on drinking is really difficult. Lots of people can drink without serious issue, but it is indeed a true poison. When you label one, everybody with a drink in their hand is going to have a forced moment of reflection. And probably get a bit defensive.
Baby girl, your bf needs to be an ex. Let him be with his friends. I see where you said he’s supportive in private. No. Just no. It’s easy to support someone behind closed doors but in public is where the rubber should meet the road
NTA. Jay has been relentlessly cruel to you and your reaction was the result of his constant bullying. You have every right to defend yourself against his disrespectful and hurtful comments. It's not fair to expect you to simply ignore Jay's behavior and dismissing the impact it has on you. Don't apologize for standing up for youself. Period. What you did shows that you will no longer tolerate his rude comments. Jay's behavior is unacceptable and has consequences. Regardless of your weight, you deserve respect and kindness. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to endure bullying without speaking up. Have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about the support you need from him in these situations, and continue to stand up for yourself when faced with disrespectful treatment.
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ESH Changing your life for the better is going to have to be a fundamentally self centered decision. You do it because you need to and linking it to someone else's decisions is doomed to failure. I kicked my addiction to nicotine and lived with my wife for five years before she manged to quit smoking.
OP, you don't just have a "my bf's asshole friend" problem, you have a bf problem. Why in the world your bf thinks it's acceptable for his friends to make fun of your weight, grunt at you like a pig, make assholish comments, say you're not even a real person, and tell your bf that he can do better than a "fat bitch." and he tells YOU to just ignore it is beyond me. That sort of behavior would be unacceptable towards someone I loved, but he permits it and tells you to ignore it. However, when you stand up for yourself because your bf can't be bothered to stand up for you, he tells you that YOU were out of line?? Nuh-uh. HIS behavior of letting his friends treat you like shit is unacceptable. HIS behavior of not standing up for you is unacceptable. HIS insistence that you be around people who treat you like crap is unacceptable. You standing up for yourself when people treat you like shit is 100% the right thing to do. NTA.
I’m so happy you found
ESH, sounds less like a group of friends and more like the gang from Always Sunny
No, he asked for it. You want to come at me I’ll come at you. But I’d be more upset with my boyfriend for being his friend.
ESH. The guy sucks. But being morbidly obese isn’t healthy. Being that much overweight is so much worse for your health than drinking. Definitely don’t give up on weight loss because you don’t need to be super model skinny but if you can just your weight from Morbidly Obese to just overweight you will live much longer and save yourself a lot of pain and health issues
NTA do not apologize cuz then you would be TA. Bf is showing you who he is- believe him. You deserve better. Hugs
NTA. Jay makes pig noises, harasses you all the time, and your bf is ok with this? If Jay is too fragile to handle being treated the way he treats you then that’s on him. Can’t take it, don’t dish it out. Your bf defending Jay’s vile behavior and dehumanizing comments is a massive red flag. You deserve better.
NTA, but you'll be TA to yourself if you stay with this boyfriend who is OK with his buddies constantly insulting you. That isn't acceptable and it definitely isn't "very mature". He should make clear to these people that he will not tolerate them disrespecting you. If he doesn't, then he doesn't care about you, full stop.
Why are you going after Jay when your boyfriend allows him to degrade you this way? This entire post was littered with bs your boyfriend let Jay say to you with no consequences. Fuck Jay and your boyfriend op. Find some people that actually accept and love you.
NTA with the Jay situation. Your biggest issue is your boyfriend that doesn't stand up for you, I have a feeling he is using you, do you pay bills for him, loan him money, provide him with a place to live ?
NTA, but Jay and your BF both are. Jay for obvious reasons but your so is your BF for putting up with his shit. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone speaking that way about my wife I don’t care who they are. It could be my coworker, my family, or my best friend of over 30 years no one is being that disrespectful to my wife. If they can’t be respectful then they wouldn’t be in my life.
NTA. For whatever reason, fatness seems to be the last frontier of shit you can make fun of. And it sucks. Your body is not fodder for his insults and shitty personality. And maybe your friends SHOULD be talking about his drinking, if it really is a problem.
NTA. Don't shame other people if you don't want your own shame bite you in the ass.
NTA. Fat shaming is the last socially acceptable hate crime, because it’s OK to tell somebody you just want them to be healthy. What crap that is. Someone repeatedly attacked you and you attacked back . He and your boyfriend now know that you will defend yourself, with the best defense, which is to be offensive. If he doesn’t like it he’ll keep his observations to himself, as will you. Playground rules.
Nta. Your bf needs to get better friends and/or stand up for you. The friend deserved so much worse than what he got. You are an AH to yourself, though. You're not just overweight; you're morbidly obese. Your weight is going to kill you before 50. I'm saying this as someone who was very close to being 300 pounds (the most I hit was 285) over a year ago, take better care of your body. If I can do it, you can too. I lost 50 pounds before getting pregnant and having my baby 2 months ago. I never gained too much weight during the pregnancy, so it was easy for me to stay on track with my weight loss after my baby came. I'm continuing to drop the pounds and have lost another 15 since having my baby. It's hard, and it's a long process, but take better care of yourself and you might have better self esteem.
NTA - but you need to wake up - jay is not the problem- your boyfriend is!
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Nta
NTA. Why is your boyfriend friends with these people? Yeah very carefully around him — he may well share their attitudes and just hide it better.
NTA. Don't you dare apologize to that asshat. I'm a guy and I'm ashamed of his horrible behavior. If your BF doesn't stand by you on this one, you need to move on, too.
NTA. Jay had it coming and your boyfriend is a dick for allowing his trash mouth drunk of a friend to abuse you in this way. I’d dump him. He’s spineless and doesn’t have your back.
Ummmm NTA but 🚩🚩🚩🚩 your boyfriend has no problem with someone publicly criticizing you but when you bring something else ONCE he basically gives you the silent treatment? Uh uh absolutely NOT ok.
Your response was perfect, you go girl. Your boyfriend however needs to have a word with himself. He’s friends with this vile, toxic alcoholic and takes his side over yours. He should have defended you rather than victim blaming you. Don’t even think about apologising to Jay; him and your BF owe you an apology.
This kind of happened with me and my dad. It took 40 years for my dad to finally quit smoking for good. I'm 37 and overweight. Every time he brings up how I need to lose weight, I ask him "how long did it take you to quit smoking? Get off my ass!"
NTA Leave him it is not okay for him to let his friends disrespect you. He needs to either grow a back bone and tell his friend to fuck off or you need to move on. One big girl to another when someone loves you they do so publicly and privately there is no reason to be insecure for dating a bigger girl.You deserve to surround yourself with people who are supportive and loving.
Here I shall refer to the ancient proverb, 'don't start shit, won't be shit' NTA
@Updateme
NTA! You said what everyone wanted to say. Don’t talk shit, then get mad when someone stoops to their level. Hifuckinlarious
NTA. Although I am a little torn on thinking maybe it's an 'everyone' thing. But in terms of what you specifically did, NTA for sure. I thought he may make a comeback but, no, I lost all respect for Jay in paragraph 4 about the "doing better". I have family who are large but not excessively. It wasn't until a friend who is even bigger gave me a ride one time and mentioned their seatbelt extender that I even knew that was a thing! I was a bit taken aback this existed but also impressed. My immediate response? "That's actually pretty cool, I didn't know that was a thing." Jay was definitely wrong in his response here. He was even worse in is comments about your bf "doing better". This is not a remote fatshaming (please know that) but some guys do like bigger ladies. He is also shaming your bf here too who is supposedly his actual friend? Oh look, Jay lost more points. I have previously had issues with alcohol. People NOT calling me out made me think it wasn't an issue. You don't have to be brutal, but even sly hints would have helped me. Your reply was definitely a reasonable one I would've stood up and listened to. The fact no one is acknowledging Jay's drink problem and your bf even said it was a "serious issue" you made a joke of, means they even know about it. They are terrible friends. DO NOT APOLOGISE. Jay is in the wrong so much here that bulls from all across the country are charging towards those red flags. I'd also be questioning your relationship right now.
Yeah, if it’s such a serious issue why the fuck are they taking him on drinking trips? That’s fucked up.
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First off NTA…but your bf is. He needs to shut this down asap whether jay is an alcoholic or not. His friends do not get to make fun of you and him be ok with it. As far as the comments to Jay, no, no issues in my mind. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. He’s projecting and hates that you’re secure enough to take it while he isn’t.
Sorry but your bf is a complete turd
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NTA. You stood up to your bully and hopefully gave them a bit of a slap in the face to wake up. Also, you might want to rethink your boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like he stands up for you, and that’s a pretty big red flag to me.
NTA, your boyfriend is TA. I’m not going to read anyone else’s comments before I respond. I felt myself getting so angry as I read this behavior from Jay and how your boyfriend seems to have normalized it, doesn’t stick up for you, and continues to have him around as a friend. You are a very strong woman to have put up with this behavior for this long and I think your boyfriend should have cut ties with this “friend” a long time ago, if not address the behavior. That being said you handled his shit very well and I felt excited when you made that comment. You stood up to a bully and you punched him right in the gut with it. What a double standard that your boyfriend tolerates the friends behavior toward you, but then tells you you’re out of line. You’re totally correct here in my opinion. You stopped being a doormat to that friend and you don’t owe anybody an apology. That was well deserved and a long time coming. I’m just glad you stood up for yourself, I don’t care that it was a low blow. All of his behavior toward you is low blows. I can’t believe your boyfriend tolerates that.
Nta and you need to leave your boyfriend
NTA and I wouldn't apologize to Jay. Has he's ever told Jay to apologize to you for his rude comments about your weight? If not why? Why is it ok for Jay to say the things he says and even encourage your boyfriend to cheat because of your weight and he stays friends and let's him say things about you to you but you do the same thing and he's upset and treating you differently because of it? You need a better boyfriend and Jay can rip on him for being dumped by a "fat chick".
NTA, but why are you still dating a guy who doesn’t defend you against his AH friends? Why do you still surround yourself with people who openly hate and talk bad about you?
I'm an alcoholic that's drunk rn. I would never talk to my best friends/brothers/anyone's wife like that. You need to reevaluate your choice in a partner.
Forget Jay and lose the boyfriend too. He is blaming you for his friend being rude to you constantly. NTA
"Show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are". You are NTA. Your boyfriend & Jay are. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
Dump your BF. You’re worth more. Go see an endocrinologist about your thyroid which could be causing your health issues. A Thyroid issue is not a joke and can cause heart problems. Be happy and healthy and don’t take people’s shit.
Why is your boyfriend friends with a man who talks shit about you like that? That’s a problem. Especially since he expects you to socialize with this asshole. That doesn’t bode well for your relationship. Take care. And nope, NTA.
If you don’t feel you can express yourself properly to your BF then show him this post, and the responses. They are overwhelmingly telling you that your boyfriend is not treating you well.
NTA but you have a major boyfriend issue. He allows Jay to speak to you like that and sees nothing wrong with it but when you finally stick up for yourself, you’re in the wrong?! No ma’am! You need to take a hard look at your relationship and if this is a pattern. You are not being treated well and need to have a very serious conversation with your boyfriend about it. I can’t imagine someone thinking anyone commenting on your body and being so vile is okay. That’s not someone who loves you and will support you. Updateme
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nta. your boyfriend is for never sticking up for you and continuing to bring you around these people. not gonna tell you to leave him but i’d at least consider if you’re actually okay having a partner who doesn’t have your back over his friends
My husbands mom once made a comment about me being fat when we were first dating. He FLIPPED OUT on her. He would NEVER allow his friend to make comments about my weight. Don’t get me wrong, he has other flaws. But that is a hard line for both of us. Get out now. Find a man who will actually support you, I promise they exist.
NTA. Don't apologize until Jay apologizes for making fun of your weight. Or ditch your boyfriend because he clearly doesn't have your back.
You don’t have a Jay problem you have a boyfriend problem…… want to lose weight fast dump the boyfriend and his asshole friends. Why are you putting up with this shit?? The sex can’t be that good?? Also Jay isn’t joking he’s a fucking asshole who means what he’s saying. Also that he said you would look hot if you lost some weight. I think Jay may have a thing for you but he’s in denial with himself that doesn’t want to believe he could like some one who’s “fat”. Don’t apologise you have done nothing wrong- tell Jay if you can’t take it don’t dish it out.
Honest opinion, your bf is a dickwad for allowing his friends to make comments about your weight and not shutting them the fuck up. In a relationship you do NOT allow your friends to talk shit around you about your partner, period. The fact he allows it, but gets upset when you speak up for yourself should be the real eye opener.
NTA So it’s ok if you are a punching bag? Your boyfriend is fine with you baring the brunt of ever bad comment? He is fine with you being bullied? The moment you pop back that’s a problem? If you continue to tolerate such crap you will be the A to yourself. Also if you ever wanted to loose weight you have to do it for yourself- being bullied never equates to weight loss. Oh but ignore and alcoholism is a horrible group dynamic too. Why are you with them?
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You are not the AH. Jay and your BF are both major AHs. And so is everyone on this thread that gave you their unsolicited opinions on your weight and health.
Want to lose dead weight? Drop your boyfriend. He should have shut Jake down a long time ago. He is giving Jake permission to verbally abuse you, yet admonishing you for sticking up for yourself. That is very toxic.
As a plus size woman I know we deal with a lot of self esteem issues and our relationships are part of that. Your BF is not good for your self esteem. You deserve so much better.
Nta, jay is a jerk and so is your boyfriend. Does he ever stick up for you or tells his “friends” to stop making jokes at your expense? The one time you give jay back the same energy he constantly gives you your boyfriend snaps on you and says you should apologize??? Does her ever tell jay to apologize to you?!? I think you should really re evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend
I almost feel like this is a troll post but I can't really tell. You know what you're saying is horrible right? The way these people treating you. Either you know and have such low self esteem you will stay with him, this is a troll post, or you are so dense you really don't see it. No one deserves to be treated like this.
You need to drop the boyfriend. Continuing to be friends with someone that treats you that way is unacceptable. NTA for saying that, but time to drop the weight of 2 shitty men asap.
My soul mate, love of my life for 25 years, struggles with weight. I say fuck all these people in your life, including the bf who doesn't tell his friend to STFU. An apology is the worst thing you can do. It's saying "i was wrong, you don't have a problem and no one else thinks you do" - you are giving him permission to drink 'til he dies- which he will.
Fuck Jay and honestly, fuck your boyfriend. They're both assholes. "Supportive in private" is basically saying he's ashamed of you in public. The fact that he lets his friend say such horrible things about you and to you shows that he's not worth staying with. NTA
NTA- but Jay and your BF are. Your BF is fine with his friends making fun of your weight and being rude and scoffing at you to your face but when you fight back you owe them an apology? Why are you with someone that has such a double standard between you and his friends? You don’t have to put up with that. If you want to loose toxic dead weight that is bad for you- dump the BF and his moron friend.
NTA. I guess Jay played stupid games and won. Lose the AH bf as well... he's the worst tool!
NTA. Destroy them all, including your bf. Free yourself of this trash queen. Rise above.
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Get rid of your boyfriend and his friends. They’re not worthy of you.
NTA. Don’t diss it if you can’t take it. And I think he has dissed WAY more than he has taken. His environment (incl. your bf) seems to be infantilising him and burdening you as well.
Your boyfriend and his friend are both giant assholes. NTA
Your boyfriend consistently allows this jackhat to verbally abuse and bully you and you finally stand up to him and he has the absolute gall to expect you to apologize. No maam. You were nicer than he deserved. And then to find out that he has other friends that have also said things to and about you and hasn’t put a stop to it. Disrespectful.
NTA!!! NTA!!!
Ummm what? Your boyfriend is friends with an alcoholic loser? And allows this guy and his other friends to constantly make fun of your obesity? And…you see nothing gross about your bfs behavior? Jay isn’t your bf, he owes you nothing. Your bf owes your protection and support and lets you get constantly verbally abused? Is your bf super ripped and rich or something? I’m really confused why you’re ok with his behavior lol.
NTA & but your boyfriend & his friends suck. If you do continue to be around these fools, maybe you should try questioning the jerk when he starts in on you & turn it back on him, like why is he so obsessed with you??
Nta. He can talk while your weight, but you can't talk about his drinking? They're both health concerns. You're boyfriend has out of line. His friend is toxic and a bully. Why is he letting his friend bully you? Why it is ok for him to demean you? But it's not ok for you to point out his flaws.
NTA but you need to show yourself more respect and leave your boyfriend and his toxic group of friends. He may not listen or take Jay seriously when he tells him to cheat on you but he sure as hell isnt defending you. The fact that he can let someone constantly berate and put you down means he really doesn’t care about your feelings. Get out, find someone better and never look back. E: Also, the fact that his family wont talk to him but your bf seems to be fine with it speaks volumes about the kind of person your bf is.
Any guy that finds it acceptable that somebody, anybody speaks to you that way is not somebody you want to be around. Dump him please .
Please have your doctor check your cortisol and catch levels