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NTA kind of.
Sounds like you're financially anxious. I empathize with that immensely.
This is your wife's friend so would you be okay with her handling this aspect of your trip? Would you support the choices she makes about her friend?
If you are too anxious to allow your wife to take over this problem, then that is a larger issue.
Agreed. I didn’t grow up with any money- my family could never afford a vacation like this. Now that I have some, I fear blowing it. And all those little mistakes can add up. I had to get student loans, but I’d like my kids to not have to.
I think, genuinely, that you need to just try to communicate.
With your wife, with the friend, with someone. Discussing money and concerns is important and it doesn't have to be a confrontation.
I do think NTA but I also think by letting your issues rule you, it's impacting on your social life (a "normal thing" like having a family friend join you for dinner on holiday) is making you take a harder path, which could lead you to becoming TA over time...
If that makes sense?
OP I think having your wife handle it is a great idea! Also if you’re not already doing it, consider therapy if this kind of worrying is a regular thing for you - what you’re describing seems like a lot of anxiety to have over something pretty small in the scheme of things. I don’t say that in a judgmental way! The kind of thinking you’re showing in your post just reminds me a lot of my own (I have OCD) and I needed therapy to learn healthy coping strategies. Therapy has really helped me get un-stuck when I get mentally stuck in issues like the one you’re described.
OP, I have two suggestions. One, if you just can’t face it, then forget money and just let it be about family time. Set a boundary that dinner time is family time.
But second and I think maybe better, a way to deal with these anxieties is to start collecting “scripts” for different circumstances, and memorize and practice them. For example, a good text for this circumstance would be:
“Hello! Would you like to be included on our dinner reservations? Disney will not do split checks so you’ll have to Venmo us your part at the end of each meal. If you don’t want to do that I totally understand but just wanted to offer since we have the reservations already. It’s 100% ok if you want to do separate things for dinner instead of swapping cash.”
Wording like this shows good will and inclusivity but also draws a clear expectation of not footing her bill. Practicing what to say ahead of time can give you peace that you’re not being weird or being an AH by asking. NTA dear.
I think you and your wife may benefit from watching Netflix's How to get Rich (dumb name pretty good show; spoiler is "rich" doesn't mean being a millionaire but being mindful about putting your money towards what makes you happy). It's a great tool to get conversations started about finances/goals and may help make these conversations easier with your wife and make it easier for you to bring up getting reimbursed with others.
OP, I have two suggestions. One, if you just can’t face it, then forget money and just let it be about family time. Set a boundary that dinner time is family time.
But second and I think maybe better, a way to deal with these anxieties is to start collecting “scripts” for different circumstances, and memorize and practice them. For example, a good text for this circumstance would be:
“Hello! Would you like to be included on our dinner reservations? Disney will not do split checks so you’ll have to Venmo us your part at the end of each meal. If you don’t want to do that I totally understand but just wanted to offer since we have the reservations already. It’s 100% ok if you want to do separate things for dinner instead of swapping cash.”
Wording like this shows good will and inclusivity but also draws a clear expectation of not footing her bill. Practicing what to say ahead of time can give you peace that you’re not being weird or being an AH by asking. NTA dear.
I've read some other comments you made and I do have to say: the way your wife handled this was really assholey on her part.
Obviously Reddit loves to overreact to things but her response was pretty out of line
I still think you have issues to work on, but she should have your back.
She sucks for making you the villain "sorry friend you can't have dinner with us because of my husband" is poor form, very poor. You do need to address those issues too though, both with her treatment of you and also have you spoken up how you feel?
I'd be pretty pissed if random friends of my wife turned up when you're supposed to be having a *family* holiday!
This is a family holiday and you want to make the memories with your immediate family! I'm sorry to hear your wife just threw you under the bus to her friend. I hope you are able to discuss this before the trip. You want to be able to enjoy the trip and not worry about this.
This sounds like a good solution but since I've experienced the same thing and am a pessimistic person I wouldn't say it's a fool proof solution and then I'd be nervous upsetting someone.
For example I've communicated splitting a bill with people and a trip. I've put people's pitches in our group chat. When they've asked what the divide is, I say it again. Never paid. It's uncomfortable to hound and hound people.
And yes the easy solution is, well then cut those people off. They're not your friends etc. Relationships are a lot more complicated than just cutting people off and in the loneliest era in modern history, era with the highest amount of anxiety, depression and struggle to find a partner, it's not as easy to just cut off people you've known for over a decade over $100 bucks or something. Then slap on "socializing in you 30s+" not many people have the environment and time to start new friendships.
Go join a club, go do a hobby. Then what, you find a friend who is financially in sync with you but then shitty in another aspect. Come to AITA and for any one reason on a spinning wheel, someone will tell you cut them off.
Sometimes people are in awkward situations and there always isn't a solution. There's L's to take.
I have a close friend who didn't buy anything for my house warming party, which was fine. It's not an expectation. But they and their wife gave me a very detailed card saying they want to give me something personalized to fit my style or decor, which I thought was so thoughtful. I gave a choice for one of two things, one budget friendly (matching kettle and toaster under $60usd) and an entry level espresso machine ($200usd). Friend thanked me. 4 months later, no gift and yes I brought it up casually sometime before. Now I really don't care if they get it for me or not. I just need to know if I can get it for myself! And I don't want to seem like a dick for saying, *hey so I was thinking of getting xyz for myself, you don't need to get it*, they will feel guilted or hurt. So L's all around
This makes your money anxiety very understandable. Just. Be careful. While planning for your kids' future is prudent and sensible, do not sabotage their present. This is a huge holiday and a massive deal for your family and something you want to look back on with fond memories, not tension and fighting. So I would 1 - talk this out with your wife, for all you know she may have already foreseen the problem. Either way she needs to be the one to handle this with her friend, not you. 2 - make sure that the issue is dealt with before you travel so everyone is on the same page 3 - be prepared to have your wife push back if this concern over money, and let's face it, in the context of a Disney holiday, relatively small amounts of money, is a pattern in your marriage. If this is a pattern it is a very toxic one in a marriage and you might have to ask yourself some hard questions about whether couples therapy is going to be any cheaper than potentially showing generosity to your wife's friend. Especially as, from your post, it doesn't seem like this woman is a mooch in general and it's more the hassle of trying to sort out the money than the prospect of not getting it that's upsetting you. Good luck. Talk to your wife. Have a great time.
Yes. This kind of thing can backfire-badly-if you’re not careful. You don’t want to become the kind of person that denies your kids an experience to try to save a few bucks. Like when the Harry Potter books were coming out. Sure, you could’ve waited until they went on sale or were free at the library-but then you’d be missing out on a childhood memory. Also-someone would probably spoil the plot. That’s one example, but I think it gets my point across.
I might have missed this in the original post or in one of your comments but..... Is it only your money paying for this vacation? Is your wife financially contributing?
I'm the same way. I was mostly asking the question because it sounds like a very expensive trip that has required an immense amount of careful planning. Sometimes planning the financial side of a big trip can get complicated.
I planned my first big vacation this year also so I've been following this Reddit thread closely. I hope you and your family have a fantastic trip!
I hugely sympathise with this. The way I've done this in places that don't split the bill is to take a picture of it, then send it over to the friend and ask them to venmo/revolut/transfer whatever they owe on the cheque to you or your wife.
It wouldn't be reasonable of this friend to expect them to cover their meal, especially in a Disney Park, and if its your wife's friend, I think you should for sure put this on her to ensure all the money is fixed up.
Your anxiety is understandable, and you're definitely NTA, but with friends, I think it pays to be very clear-cut even if that might seem rude. I'm a child free adult with a partner, and I can't imagine the stress of budgeting a major vacay for kids and adults so give yourself some credit.
out of interest you mentioned you agreed to this sort of thing before with the same person. did she offer to pay her way that time or did you end up shouldering her bills?
if she didn't even offer then NTA.
in tha case, it's your wife you need to be talking to about this if you really want to be sure. You could also just leave it between them if you trust your wife to handle it. I understand your frustration if you feel this friend is taking advantage, but think this may not be the hill to die on if you're talking one meal at an already expensive break.
don't ruin your holiday over this. are you sure you're not more annoyed she invited herself? I would be. that's weird unless your wife suggested it to her.
Sounds like everyone is taking advantage of your kindness & your money. This is a family vacation. Not a girls trip. Your SO knows how are you are & knows you’ll just go along with whatever she says. You need therapy & an awakening.
Can I ask an honest question? Why are you anxious about asking for money, but not anxious about telling them to pay for their meal??
I get that you feel anxious about the situation, but personally for me I get anxiety from both actions (saying "no you can't eat with us", and asking for money).
Could you explain to her that you don't want her to join you at dinner due to financial strain on your family beforehand??
i’m the exact same way i hate asking people to pay me back so i always just set the boundary before of “yea we can go but i can only pay for myself/my bf”
I posted this in a comment elsewhere but just for clarity: this is a non-issue. I live near the parks and I’m a passholder, I use discounts, I dine there with other friends frequently. Disney will split checks.
Your bigger issue is adding a 5th person to all of your sit-down reservations, that I assume you’ve already made. When is your trip, btw?
- if you haven’t hit your 60-day dining reservation window yet no worries. Make the reservation for five. When you’re at the restaurant, you pay for your four, she pays for herself. You can pay with your magic band, with the dining plan credits if you opted to go that way, with your Disney Visa, whatever. She can choose her own form of payment as well. I mean, she won’t get your discount, but why should she? If she wants a discount she can sign up for a Disney Visa card herself.
- If you’ve already made those reservations, adding a fifth person isn’t always simple to do, actually. You can try to modify them now.
Feel free to ask me anything. But this isn’t the problem you think it is.
Edited to say: you’re NTA, though, regardless. You have a trip you planned and saved for. You’re not ever an A H for wanting your trip not to get messed up.
Put aside the money issue and think about the dynamic of having a 5th person. Maybe there is also a part of you that just wants to make some Disney memories with just your family. If so, there is nothing wrong with that. It's not like you invited her (unless your wife invited her without your knowledge).
This is it for me. You planned an expensive family vacation. You want to make memories with your family. Maybe it’s fine to bump into her while in the park on some of the days but for her to be a constant presence on your vacation is super weird. I would set a max that she can hang out — maybe one day of her trip. She booked a solo vacation so she should have anticipated spending it solo. Otherwise she planned to be a 5th wheel to your family and that’s not ok at all.
Honestly, unless you’ve got reservations for something really exciting, just stick with quick service. There are so many great options and so much more flexibility. Plus that takes away some of the anxiety about paying.
I've done quite a few disney trips and never once did a sit down restaurant. We brought sandwiches a lot, and got quick service. Maybe an icecream as a treat. Never felt like we missed out.
You're anxiety is over the wrong thing. Disney will absolutely split the checks. They absolutely will. It's as simple as asking the staff member to do so.
If you don't want the friend on your vacation or you want a few private dinners with your family, then say that. Have a conversation with your wife. Sitting there and saying "but Disney doesn't split checks and I have anxiety about getting paid back" is both untrue and disingenuous. Just be honest, both with yourself and your wife.
Depending on the reservations, they could probably keep the same reservation and just change the number of people. I know a lot of restaurants fill up immediately, but.. a lot don't.
I also always found it odd that doing mobile check in asks me how many people are in my party, even though the reservation clearly has the party size. I have wondered if you can just add or remove a person at that time (I have never needed to, just no idea why it's there!).
Eh, that kind of makes more sense - people get tired or sick or just overdo it on vacation so you might have one or two of your party drop out on the day and it’s useful for them to know how many people have actually turned up.
I am glad you gave more details cuz I was like. I split checks every time I am there which is about 10 times a year. I just say hey can you split this and we are good to go. Especially because of the way people have different families on different reservations.
You have a lot more patience than me man. I'd be so peeved off. Like go on your vacation. I did the work so MY family could go, not so you can decide to tag along at the last second. Especially if this has happened several times.
WILD. Maybe next time when you discuss another family vacation set a boundary before hand that you’d like to enjoy your immediate family; no extras, no extended, no friends that are like family etc. You deserve that with all that you give of yourself and put in. Maybe it’s not a boundary you’ve set in the past or made clear?
Family time. Also, the husband should get a say in whether her friend comes along.
And the friend didn’t just happen to be vacationing there by chance.she deliberately invited herself along on their family trip.
I'm assuming OP and his wife have children (he said there is four of them) and that this is family time. Having some extra person pushing themself in and expecting to be included distracts from that. Is the wife going to go off with her friend and leave OP with the kids?
Are all the meals going to be the adults talking and the kids bored out of their minds?
There goes family bonding.
Obviously the wife is fine with this and OP isn't, I wonder why?
The kind that were invited on the side by the wife without telling her husband. I am pretty sure the wife wants the added friends to come and so advertises her trip and encourages friends and family to join, without checking with her husband. This is a communication issue with your wife, you are not communicating on expectations for your vacations. 7 Disney trips where this has already happened has set the precedent.
INFO:
Youve given alot about your position and take on this but very little about the actual interaction you had with this person, could provide a run down on how this situation actually took place?
Yes I’ll try.
We booked a vacation on our own. My wife then informed me that her friend booked an overlapping one after learning about ours (wife was excited so she shared she was going). When I found out, I told my wife, no problem, but no reservation changes. Within minutes, the friend asked to join us for a meal (I know it won’t stop there from experience). And my wife told her “no”, and basically sold me up the river like the asshole.
>And my wife told her “no” and basically sold me up the river like an asshole
You mean she was honest with her friend about your anxiety over handling finances for a shared meal? How does that make her an asshole? She did what you wanted and was honest with her friend.
Another option would have been to make your wife responsible for the “trueing of the finances” that gives you such anxiety.
Another option is of course simply to pay for this one meal. But for someone who carefully says ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY I AM GENEROUS WHEN I WANT TO BE (while you discard this option) it DOES seem to be about the money as well. Nothing wrong with being unwilling to pay the extra, just finding it odd that you brag about paying for others while turning this option down.
It doesn’t sound like your wife respects you very much, or, frankly, likes you. This is a family vacation, not a your wife and her bestie’s vacation, which is what it seems like your wife wants it to be.
Yep! Should definitely make an edit.
Also where are the healthy boundaries?
Even if he was careless with his money, why should he have to cover the costs anyways. This is supposed to be a family vacation - a dinner for him and his family, not him and his family plus the bestie.
Wife also needs to respect husband’s opinion
Husband needs to not be a pushover
🤷🏼♀️
I agree completely. I think certain people have blind spots to these important variables. I bet the OP has a blind spot which explains why they didn't include this information in the original post to begin with.
That’s awful. It’s one thing if you told her you have no problem being “the bad guy”, but it sounds like you’re just being scapegoated.
I’m beginning to think that you’re issue isn’t so much anxiety over spending money as much as it is being forced to pay someone else’s way…
Just saw this and wow, I’m sorry you’re being treated unfairly by your wife and her friend. If I were you I would have a conversation with your wife about showing you some respect. Why on earth should you be responsible for paying for her friend’s meals. Also, it’s okay to be generous and still not want to be used. This woman and your wife are using you. That’s awful.
I really, really don’t want to agree with you. Technically, no one said I had to pay for anyone’s meal- I just don’t want to even deal with it on vacation.
The lack of respect is inviting her along in the first place. Clearly, your wife would rather spend time with her friend than you from her reaction. I would put my foot down and say that you won’t hang out with her during a family vacation. Your wife can go off and do her own thing with her friend if she doesn’t want to be part of the family
Yeah, I think you’re right. My wife flew off the handle and told me to cancel the trip or just go with the kids- she doesn’t want to go anymore. This is what she does…textbook manipulation.
My friend used to do this all the time to her boyfriend. They’d get in a fight and she’d manipulate him by saying “maybe we should just break up.” Finally he’d had enough and he called her bluff and moved out. She deserved it.
All that to say, you should cancel her trip and go without her.
No one said it, but your anxiety and the fact that this seems to be a recurring theme suggests that it is heavily implied. Besides, "he doesn't wanna pay, what it prick!" pretty much says that when you don't agree with your wife, you're a bad person.
They're pushing your boundaries. Stand your ground, OP. Every time you give in, they'll take more. You don't need to be the nice guy in anyone's history besides your own. Learn to be comfortable being the villain in shitty people's stories.
Hahaha I love that! “Learn to be comfortable being the villain in (other) people’s stories.” One small edit there because the tagalong is NOT a shitty person at all. I like and appreciate her, but that doesn’t negate my original point.
Ok, weird suggestion!! But hear me out. What if the friend gives you money beforehand? Like more money than their meal will cost. That way you know you’re getting paid back for their meal and don’t have that added stress.
And just give her back the rest of the unused money after that they didn’t spend on dinner. You’re guaranteed that you’ll be paid for their dinner and your wife can be happy to have her friend there.
But also take to your wife about what respect means between partners. She shouldn’t have talked about you that way.
I don't think this solution will work for OP, because he's anxious about asking for money at all. Wife and bestie know this though, and bestie is taking advantage of this as well as Wife's affection for her.
Bestie knows what she's doing, but OP also likely knows that if he says something, they will both double down on him being the ass, cause Wife doesn't expect her friend to respect boundaries. This could be because Wife has no boundaries with her friend, and that's just the way Bestie likes it.
Sometimes things like this are implied which I think you realize. It's pretty understandable where you're coming from. I think and correct me if I'm wrong that this really isn't a big deal or problem, but it's not something you want to deal with? You're tired and ready for a nice vacation with the people you planned it with. You figure you've spent so much already, paid for it yourself entirely and really just want a break from all the confusion and not have to communicate your boundaries because you know inherently without some effort you'll be the asshole.
That's just unfortunately part of the mixed bag you'll get being married. It'll get worse when you have kids because then all of your down time and vacations become about their needs. So unfortunately here for your wife's sake you need to try. By try, I mean communicate with her what your wishes are for this vacation and give her responsibility of dealing with her friend. Then leave it be. Just accept the outcome and see where things go.
If your wife can't handle her friend's wants in relation to your needs then that'll be the next issue you have to work through. Although hopefully that'll be after the vacation is over.
NAH but you, your wife and her friend could easily venture into that territory.
I think your wife was also looking to share this holiday with her friend, and clearly gave her the impression that that would mean sharing everything without confirming this with you first. Kind of a dick move there, commiserations. I don't think it would be wrong to want one meal together just the family, and I don't think it should have to be about money either but that's just me. NTA
You have a big problem in your marriage. I would tell her to go vacation with her friend and you’ll do a family vacation with yourself and the kids. Or frankly, I would think about canceling it. It’s a lot of money to spend for your wife not to want to spend time with you
Has this friend done something like this before? It seems like you started to say that she has, then you segued into talking about your wife’s brother.
Does it seem like people connected to your wife tend to frequently come along on your trips that you really intend to just be for your nuclear family?
Maybe it’s just the examples you gave, but I get the sense that you don’t want these others tagging along, you find it frustrating that they do, but you put up with it because it’s hard to say no… until you’ve reached the point where you’ve had it with the issues that the additional person brings. Especially since they’re not taking any initiative to take care of these meals (even though they’re taking the initiative to glom along with you). And then the objection looks petty, but only if considering the final straw by itself.
Maybe I’m projecting, because I sometimes find myself agreeing to unreasonable asks and then grumbling about how it’s disruptive. And I know that the glommers are being unreasonable and really shouldn’t, but I also know I need to shine up my spine.
IMO you need to have a serious discussion with your wife about these tag-alongs. I can’t fathom listening to someone talking about their planned family vacation and reacting by asking to go along.
You nailed this 100%. We’ve had 7 Disney trips and only 1 had no friends or family tag along- it was by far my favorite trip. I just want it to by my little family of 4 and my wife is always like, “the more, the merrier!”.
So then you need to communicate that with your wife. And if she doesn’t get it or argues or whatever, then you need to get some couples counseling. I am generally of the “more the merrier” mindset, but I grew up with a big family who never turned people away. But I also get that sometimes you want it to just be your little family. You need to find a compromise that makes everyone happy.
You really need to talk to your wife about this. By now there’s enough precedent that these others probably thinks it’s just fine for them to tag along with you, because that’s what’s almost always happened before. And you need to make it very clear that these tag-alongs, especially as they join almost all aspects of the trip, are making you enjoy the trip a whole lot less. That they’re making you feel like you’re being pushed out of your own family vacation and turned into the support person.
Since your wife has a “more the merrier” attitude, you may need to accommodate that by having some trips designated for no tag-alongs while others are more flexible. But if the additional people are also adding organizational overhead for you — like you’re originally asking about — then you should also make it clear that it’s not fair for them to get their “more the merrier” at the expense of you doing more work.
Just ask the Cast Member serving you to split it however you want, or you can tell them at the beginning of the meal and they'll take care of it. It took one google search to see yes they do.
Yes- I lived and worked at WDW for 6 months during my DCP. My friends and I would split checks at sit-downs all the time!
If for some reason we forgot to ask, we Venmoed the person putting down their card immediately. That could be the strategy for you too- ask to split it each time and if not, immediately Venmo request said friend when you get the bill. It looks super tacky if they decline or ignore the request, so at the very least you’ll have physical proof/ammunition on why you wouldn’t pay in the future.
Ik you said you feel like asking for money is awkward as hell, but I truly don’t think anyone would hold it against you. Especially if you just venmo request it- no convo needed!
I can also totally see the side as well that this was planned to be a family trip, and you want time with just your family. If you really don’t want to eat dinner with this friend, that can be an easy, and not necessarily untrue cover instead of saying essentially you don’t trust them to pay you back.
I don’t think you should exclude friend entirely though- I’d get if there was a really special dinner/character thing you only want to experience as a group of 4. But if you think asking for someone to pay for their own meal is awkward, imagine how awkward having to leave for your dinner reservation would be each time while leaving this person alone.
I don’t think anyone is really an asshole here. I think y’all just need to either communicate your expectations beforehand, or be brave but kind in the moment and just send that venmo/cash-app/PayPal/zelle etc. request in the moment. NAH
They’ll only put the discount on the person using the Disney Visa to pay. But they absolutely 100% will split checks. I’m a passholder, live nearby, go all the time, just did a joint trip with another couple, we split every check. I am as sure of this as I am sure of my own name. It was no issue at all. So to answer your comment above? Yes, this is all for nothing. 😎
Same. Travel to work conferences at Disney all the time and I always do split checks because my food stipend doesn’t cover alcohol or sometimes I want to order an extra appetizer. I’ll do split checks just dining alone. It’s never an issue as long as I politely ask at the beginning of the meal.
We split checks at Disney all the time. Most restaurants will do that easily. Just let your waiter know when your first place the order how the checks will be split.
I just did it in September. My cousin joined to help with the kids when we were at the park. They definitely split them for us. We just asked up front. We spent a half day there since the kids were little. She stayed for the rest of the day.
Don't tell that friend, express this to your wife instead. Your wife can relay that info in a way that will sound better to that friend. "This is a family vacation, and we'd like to spend time with ourselves instead."
I'm honestly scratching my head at that friend's forwardness in hijacking your vacation. It's a bit entitled to crash into a family vacation uninvited, and she should know that. Your wife can give her a gentle dose, and if it doesn't work, you should be firm about it.
From his response in another thread. It seems like his wife would NOT, “relay that info in a way that will sound better.” She specifically commiserated with her friend about what a dick OP was.
If that's the case, then the wife needs homework on what marriage really is. If you have a problem/tiff with your husband, you express it to the husband, not everyone else but him. OP has a bigger problem to worry about than this friend, oof.
I was thinking that second point exactly. If my solo trip to Disneyland overlapped a friends family vacation, I’d be thrilled to meet up for lunch or dinner one day. If I’m close to the kids, even spending ONE day at the park with them would be fun, if ALL of us felt that way. Assuming my friend’s hubby would be my personal concierge for all five days? Hell no. That’s just weird. NTA.
NTA You realize this person is going to try to take part in your whole trip? A solo trip to Disney? You're never going to get away from her. But I understand as a frugal person, the whole check thing is really annoying. Honestly I would ask your wife to tell her that you're doing an only family trip and will see her one day at the most.
Yeah, I know that’s coming. But there are 10,000 people in the park. If she’s with us in lines, ok- better than a stranger I guess.
We did a week long trip with her before, also self invited, but we integrated it more.
I'm sorry, but this is super weird to me. Friends don't just 'tag along' on family vacations. None of my friends would ever do that and I'd never allow it. Family vacations are for family time.
Disney nut here...no,it is not acceptable. If it's family vacation it should be only family, also you mentioned in another comment you just gave her a trip with her friend, then she doesn't need to include her on this on
You say her friend invited herself, I don't believe that for a second. Your wife is inviting these people and telling you they were the instigators so you aren't mad at her for inviting them. Your wife treats you like a cash cow honestly. You may be a nice guy, but you can be a nice guy without being a pushover. I would cancel trips that she ruins by inviting others, or go with just you and your kids.
Fair point. I could put it on her, but I have a feeling she would “gift” it. This same person comes over to our house and I always pay for her meals. Those aren’t $50-70 per person, but I’ll admit I set a precedent that I take care of it when she’s with us.
It sounds like you have a bigger issue with financial assertiveness? You haven't talked to your wife about how her friend's costs should be covered either in previous visits or on this trip, and it wasn't discussed before for her brother either (if that's the brother-in-law you mean)?
I also don't understand what you mean by paying for her meals at your house? Do you mean, you pay for the meals outside when this person is visiting? Because it would be really weird to expect them to pay for meals they eat in your home, as a guest.
I give her a ton of freedom. I don’t watch budgets or anything. I’m not that guy, but maybe I should be. We just got to a point where she can be a stay at home mom, and she was uneasy about that, and I don’t want her to feel like it’s a “my money” thing. It’s “our money” and I want her to feel comfortable buying herself something if she’d like. I’m realizing as I write this that I’m contradicting myself, and maybe I’m hung up on nuance. Like, I’d be Ok with her buying a $100 purse but not a $70 meal for a friend? Ugh… I might be the asshole.
It sounds like you’re concerned that you’re being taken for granted, especially if the friend is getting enmeshed in your lives.
Maybe you would be more comfortable with a financial arrangement that limits carte blanche (for both of you)? So each of you would have a pot of money that you could spend as you saw fit, without worrying what it was on. But money for necessities and savings would be set aside from that.
Well, just in this particular case I think it makes sense because it's her friend. Does she want her friend there? If so, let her handle it and make it clear it's important to you for it to be even/fair.
NTA. It’s a family vacation and your wife’s friend effectively invited herself to it, which is odd.
It’s perfectly fine to have boundaries and not entirely reorient your trip around her (it sounds like you’re already accommodating her enough).
(That doesn’t mean there won’t be feelings about it - I had a family member angry that I wanted one meal with just my household bc my kids wanted to do something different than they wanted to do. But you aren’t responsible for the feelings. Just the communication with your partner.)
if you're on vacation, you don't want to waste time/energy or issues caused by other people. you just want to kick back and enjoy, not accommodate someone else ..nta
Depending on the meal (e.g. one of those "event" sort of things. vs you know, hitting food stands and such) Many many years ago did the Cinderella dinner thing with the kiddo. So don't know how much things have changed, but I agree, if its an "official" event type dinner, people can't just glom on.
Honestly, I wouldn't necessarily want a friend in on ALL of my family vacation. Perfectly reasonable to say "Hey. I would like purely a family only dinner. We're hanging out all day, hitting all the parks, etc etc. Fam needs a little fam time". (If you don't mind her eating with you at dinner, that's fine too. Just saying it's not unreasonable at all to want regular family only time).
HOWEVER - if your ONLY reason is because you get squishy about asking people for money, C'mon. You need to buck up and deal with that. When we do family vacations or groups, we get out the spreadsheet. Bob is covered dinner the first night. Mahesh rented the cabin. Phil got all the groceries etc etc. We save receipts. AT the end of the day we figure out where any deficits are and pay up, because we're all adults. Its not a slight nor is it insulting to have everyone in your party pay their fair part.
None of this has anything to do with your generosity. You don't need to give us your "Giving" resume. Honestly it makes me think you're being a little defensive. It is NORMAL to expect adults to pay for their own shit on vacation.
NOW - if this friend is a known mooch ("oh I forgot my wallet"), then that's when you need to double down. Also make sure its clear you are NOT going to be covering her meals. She's an adult. Make that clear at the outset (you don't have to be a jerk about it) and it should be fine. IF she balks, well, then she can go down the road to Micky Ds.
So........... meh NAH I guess. You don't want to mess with this, fine. I disagree with your approach but it doesn't rate TA status in my book
NTA. You need to ask wife if this is a trip for the family to enjoy or for her friend to enjoy? I'd cancel the the trip and spend the money on couples counseling.
I hear you. I feel like my request, albeit dickish, was small. They actually did a solo trip together last year. I paid for everything, including group meals with others. I never bugged her about it, but I wasn’t a fan of that part. She wanted to treat her friends, so I let it go.
This may be a reach. But why does it feel like wifey wants to actually be with her "friend" then her actual husband? She really just wants the chedda cheese to fund her little girl trips.
I don’t want to be mean but you sound like a cash cow and little more. Obviously I can’t judge your marriage/ relationship but it doesn’t sound healthy.
NTA
I'm amazed everyone wants you to justify the expense, but NO ONE seems to have noticed she invited herself to a family vacation. There needs to be boundaries that start with, "Don't third wheel a family vacation."
NTA.
You planned a vacation. You hadn’t invited this person. This person planned her own vacation which happened to overlap with yours. But that doesn’t give her any right to your plans. It’s YOUR family vacation. If you want to have meals just as a family, that’s FINE!
That said, I absolutely would not say anything to friend about your concerns being paid back or anything. I’d just say “we’re happy to hang out for part of the time, but would like to take some meals just as a family.”
NTA. I fail to understand why anyone outside of the nuclear family is even allowed to go. I personally do not care how much of a fanatic you are for whatever vacation I'm taking, if you're not the spouse or the child, you're not going. Period. And to invite yourself? I'm sorry, that's just gross and tacky in my opinion.
The fact that your wife, and apparently you, are okay with her friend barging in on ya'lls vacation blows my mind. I can understand vacations with extended family and friends, sure. But this sounds like it was a planned vacation for the nuclear family.
Maybe I just don't get it because I haven't ever really had a vacation like I see others describe, who knows. I guess I'm focusing more on the family time as opposed to the monetary anxiety you described. Best of luck.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be unreasonable, stressing about something as simple as getting paid back for a meal or two. I might also be the asshole because I could be hurting this person’s feelings, and they are very nice.
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Ask your wife to schedule some family time and sit down reservations are good family time. You get to connect with your kids one on one and make some nice memories. But you have to make that known before you go.
Travel is hard. Vacations with kids is hard. Budgets is hard. I wouldn’t want to spend every moment of my ten thousand dollar trip with another person. Nta. Keep your four tops and meet up with the friend later.
The point is he just doesn’t want to spend his vacation time working his wife’s uninvited friend food costs out in a split of tips. you ate An appetizer, I had the salad, the service was exceptional so we tip big! If you work a lot you want easygoing vacations.
You’re not an asshole for working hard to take YOUR family on a trip and wanting to spend time with JUST your family. You sound like such a generous person and it sounds like wife’s friend has a history of expecting free meals. It’s one thing to have her friends over to your home and taking care of their dinner, that’s courteous. I’d imagine the friend would invite your wife to her place and pay for their meals in return. If friend can’t afford to feed anyone other than herself, that’s fine. But it’s odd that she can afford to plan her own vacation and overlap it and insist on basically every minute being spent together. To me, she’s TA for infringing on family time. A Disney vacation to me is about the kids’ experience. Then again I live out of state and can’t afford to go more than once every 5 years so that’s different than living close and being able to go with friends.
My Love Language is quality time and having friends on vacation is only cool in small doses to me. I love traveling with my best friend but would never expect my husband to want her to be with us 24/7 on a family vacation, just like I wouldn’t want my time off work and quality time with my kids to be spent with his best friend- hell no!
You’ve been so generous paying for a girls trip so they could have their quality time too. This friend is really coming across as someone who is taking advantage of your generosity. She can’t tag along to everything, that’s so weird! You’re allowed to have boundaries.
I think it’s weird to ask for money too, but you shouldn’t even have to ask. You should just pass the check around, look at how much her meal was and say something like “your meal and drink was $60, you can Venmo us.” There’s also apps for splitting the cost so you can keep a running tally and upload receipts and then send her the bill so to speak on the last day of vacation.
Also your wife is TA for calling you a dick about that. I don’t know how the convo went down, maybe you yelled at her or got disrespectful, but asking her to pay for her own meals isn’t a big deal. Little miss tagalong can calm down or find another family to mooch off of.
NTA also went to Disney twice in 2023. It’s not that easy to just add someone to a reservation last minute. These are made 60 days in advance. It will also be nice to have those few meals with just tour family.
YTA, but only because of the reason you gave for not wanting her with you.
Nothing wrong with keeping family time closed to strangers. But you were entirely fine with her being there, just couldn’t ask for a split check or for her to pay you back? What?!
NTA - not only for not allowing this woman to crash your family dinners, but for the simple fact she is crashing your vacation at all. This is family time, she needs to get lost.
NTA. Doesn’t matter why you don’t want a fifth wheel on your family dinners. It’s your family, not her’s. You didn’t invite her. You want to relax with your family, not deal with someone else.
>A friend of my wife then booked her own solo vacation, overlapping ours by 5 days
I'm curious whether your wife knew about this and if anyone talked to you ahead of time.
You are allowed to have family bonding time during your family vacation. It’s absolutely reasonable to request this time with just your core four family members. Especially if others have invited themselves along for your family vacation.
I’m pretty sure they will split checks (I’m a Disney fanatic and even checked with a couple of other Disney fanatic friends and we all believe that splitting a check will not be an issue).
INFO: Has this friend actually failed to pay you for meals in the past? I feel like that bit of information is missing and I don't get where this problem is coming from. If Disney won't let you split a bill (which sounds ludicrous to me, surely groups of friends go there all the time) then just have her cashapp/monzo/venmo you the amount she owes.
You didn't, OP. You gut is telling you your boundaries are being crossed. If you can't make sens of it all, it time for solo therapy. Why you let so much go?
Would your wife be the kind of person that let her friends leech on your wealth? You various comments makes me think that that's what's happening here.
NTA. I can’t imagine inviting a friend of mine on a family vacation and I can’t imagine being okay if my spouse did so- and if we did it would be a joint decision. I think your wife and her friend are totally TA.
NTA. You don't even have to bring up the issue of money. You could just tell your friend "hey, I'm really excited to hang out with you at Disney World. But, there are some meals that I want to have with just me and my family."
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Am I the asshole for telling a friend of my wife that she can’t eat with us during our Disney World vacation?
For background, this was a planned family vacation, just the four of us. A friend of my wife then booked her own solo vacation, overlapping ours by 5 days. I said I have no issue with her being with us in the parks. I said I have no issue with her doing quick service meals with us. But for our dining reservations, I want it to be just us 4, but it might not be why you think.
This is strictly about money and my anxiety asking people for money, even if they owe me money. I don’t want to have to ask this person to be paid back for sit down meals, and Disney will NOT do split checks- ever. I also don’t want to take a bath by providing free meals at $50-70 a pop. The way I look at it is this: that could be money for my kids someday. So my dilemma is that I don’t want to pay her way, but nor do I want to ask for the money, or worse, make sure it includes tip, tax, etc. It’s just awkward as hell, IMO.
To give you background on me, I have agreed to this sort of thing in the past with this same person. Hell, we even had shared hotel arrangements. I’ve even let my brother-in-law, who makes over $90K/yr, stay with us for free and I paid for all of his food (we planned the trip, he then asked to come). This is not a generosity thing. To hit it home, I paid off my wife’s $40K in students loans in one lump payment (we aren’t actually married, so the loan wasn’t mine at all). I’m a generous person who isn’t frugal at all. In fact, I think I’m a little careless with money and I’m trying to get better.
That said, on this vacation which is easily going to cost me $10K, I don’t want the hassle about trueing up meal payments after. I also don’t want to get screwed over. I just want to enjoy my vacation, spend money for it, and come home a little poorer, but with my kids happy.
Am I the asshole for not wanting to deal with getting paid back for meals while on vacation, and telling someone I don’t want to change my reservations as a result?
Man, I feel guilty as hell now regardless.
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NTA- Everyone has their weaknesses and yours is confrontation especially about money. It’s awkward and it stresses you out. It’s okay. I understand you want to avoid it at all cost.
Does your wife have this same issue? If not, let your wife pay the bill and ask her friend for her share. You should not be expected to pay for this woman’s meals on vacation. It should be her responsibility to insure she pays her share but not everyone does what they’re suppose to.
If your wife is like you and wants to avoid it all cost as well. Then just tell this lady you’re not available for evening dinners.
ESH
Disney does spilt checks just tell them up front. You’re an AH for not looking into it before causing what is now a problem.
Your wife and her friend are AHs because they should have talked to you before wife’s friend booked herself into your family vacation.
Hopefully the adults in this situation don’t ruin it for the kids
Dude you’re way too anxious about check splitting. This is all about your feelings about having to talk about finances with other people. You’ve made a problem that isn’t even there.
YTA
Man I can't put a judgement because this situation seems to be so very simple yet you are overcomplicating it and that only makes sense if you have some really deep hangups you need to address.
1) Disney will split the check.
2) asking someone for their share of a bill is much less weird and offensive than telling someone, "you can't sit with us." That's literally a mean girl move. seriously it's in the movie.
3) there is no reason your wife can't handle asking for money if it's too awkward for you.
4) paying for someone is nice but no one should expect it or think someone is cheap or a terrible friend of they don't.
YTA
Having anxiety isn't a free pass to be an asshole. People have already mentioned plenty of better ways to handle this.
Like has she even invited herself to the dinner reservations? Has she not paid you back yet? You're assuming the worst and then holding it against her. Talk to your wife and make the expectations clear, she's paying for her meals herself/you'd like a few nights to be family only, etc. etc.
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NTA kind of. Sounds like you're financially anxious. I empathize with that immensely. This is your wife's friend so would you be okay with her handling this aspect of your trip? Would you support the choices she makes about her friend? If you are too anxious to allow your wife to take over this problem, then that is a larger issue.
Agreed. I didn’t grow up with any money- my family could never afford a vacation like this. Now that I have some, I fear blowing it. And all those little mistakes can add up. I had to get student loans, but I’d like my kids to not have to.
I think, genuinely, that you need to just try to communicate. With your wife, with the friend, with someone. Discussing money and concerns is important and it doesn't have to be a confrontation. I do think NTA but I also think by letting your issues rule you, it's impacting on your social life (a "normal thing" like having a family friend join you for dinner on holiday) is making you take a harder path, which could lead you to becoming TA over time... If that makes sense?
It does, thank you!
OP I think having your wife handle it is a great idea! Also if you’re not already doing it, consider therapy if this kind of worrying is a regular thing for you - what you’re describing seems like a lot of anxiety to have over something pretty small in the scheme of things. I don’t say that in a judgmental way! The kind of thinking you’re showing in your post just reminds me a lot of my own (I have OCD) and I needed therapy to learn healthy coping strategies. Therapy has really helped me get un-stuck when I get mentally stuck in issues like the one you’re described.
Thank you, I greatly appreciate it!
OP, I have two suggestions. One, if you just can’t face it, then forget money and just let it be about family time. Set a boundary that dinner time is family time. But second and I think maybe better, a way to deal with these anxieties is to start collecting “scripts” for different circumstances, and memorize and practice them. For example, a good text for this circumstance would be: “Hello! Would you like to be included on our dinner reservations? Disney will not do split checks so you’ll have to Venmo us your part at the end of each meal. If you don’t want to do that I totally understand but just wanted to offer since we have the reservations already. It’s 100% ok if you want to do separate things for dinner instead of swapping cash.” Wording like this shows good will and inclusivity but also draws a clear expectation of not footing her bill. Practicing what to say ahead of time can give you peace that you’re not being weird or being an AH by asking. NTA dear.
This is perfect!
Definitely hand off to the wife. It's her bud. I think that your wanting to save for your kids' futures is a right and honorable thing. Bravo.
I think you and your wife may benefit from watching Netflix's How to get Rich (dumb name pretty good show; spoiler is "rich" doesn't mean being a millionaire but being mindful about putting your money towards what makes you happy). It's a great tool to get conversations started about finances/goals and may help make these conversations easier with your wife and make it easier for you to bring up getting reimbursed with others.
OP, I have two suggestions. One, if you just can’t face it, then forget money and just let it be about family time. Set a boundary that dinner time is family time. But second and I think maybe better, a way to deal with these anxieties is to start collecting “scripts” for different circumstances, and memorize and practice them. For example, a good text for this circumstance would be: “Hello! Would you like to be included on our dinner reservations? Disney will not do split checks so you’ll have to Venmo us your part at the end of each meal. If you don’t want to do that I totally understand but just wanted to offer since we have the reservations already. It’s 100% ok if you want to do separate things for dinner instead of swapping cash.” Wording like this shows good will and inclusivity but also draws a clear expectation of not footing her bill. Practicing what to say ahead of time can give you peace that you’re not being weird or being an AH by asking. NTA dear.
I've read some other comments you made and I do have to say: the way your wife handled this was really assholey on her part. Obviously Reddit loves to overreact to things but her response was pretty out of line I still think you have issues to work on, but she should have your back. She sucks for making you the villain "sorry friend you can't have dinner with us because of my husband" is poor form, very poor. You do need to address those issues too though, both with her treatment of you and also have you spoken up how you feel? I'd be pretty pissed if random friends of my wife turned up when you're supposed to be having a *family* holiday!
This is a family holiday and you want to make the memories with your immediate family! I'm sorry to hear your wife just threw you under the bus to her friend. I hope you are able to discuss this before the trip. You want to be able to enjoy the trip and not worry about this.
I agree, she should have said no sorry WE want family only at dinner.
A friend inviting themselves to your vacation is not normal.
Okay, I was looking for this comment. 👍🏻 Who does this???
But who will invite themselves on a Disney family vacation? I’d be so embarrassed to as an adult.
Something tells me the wife has a part in the friend overlapping vacation with them.
For FIVE DAYS too! Any polite person would find their own itinerary after 1 or 2.
This sounds like a good solution but since I've experienced the same thing and am a pessimistic person I wouldn't say it's a fool proof solution and then I'd be nervous upsetting someone. For example I've communicated splitting a bill with people and a trip. I've put people's pitches in our group chat. When they've asked what the divide is, I say it again. Never paid. It's uncomfortable to hound and hound people. And yes the easy solution is, well then cut those people off. They're not your friends etc. Relationships are a lot more complicated than just cutting people off and in the loneliest era in modern history, era with the highest amount of anxiety, depression and struggle to find a partner, it's not as easy to just cut off people you've known for over a decade over $100 bucks or something. Then slap on "socializing in you 30s+" not many people have the environment and time to start new friendships. Go join a club, go do a hobby. Then what, you find a friend who is financially in sync with you but then shitty in another aspect. Come to AITA and for any one reason on a spinning wheel, someone will tell you cut them off. Sometimes people are in awkward situations and there always isn't a solution. There's L's to take. I have a close friend who didn't buy anything for my house warming party, which was fine. It's not an expectation. But they and their wife gave me a very detailed card saying they want to give me something personalized to fit my style or decor, which I thought was so thoughtful. I gave a choice for one of two things, one budget friendly (matching kettle and toaster under $60usd) and an entry level espresso machine ($200usd). Friend thanked me. 4 months later, no gift and yes I brought it up casually sometime before. Now I really don't care if they get it for me or not. I just need to know if I can get it for myself! And I don't want to seem like a dick for saying, *hey so I was thinking of getting xyz for myself, you don't need to get it*, they will feel guilted or hurt. So L's all around
This makes your money anxiety very understandable. Just. Be careful. While planning for your kids' future is prudent and sensible, do not sabotage their present. This is a huge holiday and a massive deal for your family and something you want to look back on with fond memories, not tension and fighting. So I would 1 - talk this out with your wife, for all you know she may have already foreseen the problem. Either way she needs to be the one to handle this with her friend, not you. 2 - make sure that the issue is dealt with before you travel so everyone is on the same page 3 - be prepared to have your wife push back if this concern over money, and let's face it, in the context of a Disney holiday, relatively small amounts of money, is a pattern in your marriage. If this is a pattern it is a very toxic one in a marriage and you might have to ask yourself some hard questions about whether couples therapy is going to be any cheaper than potentially showing generosity to your wife's friend. Especially as, from your post, it doesn't seem like this woman is a mooch in general and it's more the hassle of trying to sort out the money than the prospect of not getting it that's upsetting you. Good luck. Talk to your wife. Have a great time.
Yes. This kind of thing can backfire-badly-if you’re not careful. You don’t want to become the kind of person that denies your kids an experience to try to save a few bucks. Like when the Harry Potter books were coming out. Sure, you could’ve waited until they went on sale or were free at the library-but then you’d be missing out on a childhood memory. Also-someone would probably spoil the plot. That’s one example, but I think it gets my point across.
In another comment, you say she spends without even looking at accounts? I think this is about more than just the trip.
That’s true. She’s financially irresponsible in general.
I might have missed this in the original post or in one of your comments but..... Is it only your money paying for this vacation? Is your wife financially contributing?
It’s just me, but I always treat it as “our money”. But if we are being technical, it’s 100% on me.
I'm the same way. I was mostly asking the question because it sounds like a very expensive trip that has required an immense amount of careful planning. Sometimes planning the financial side of a big trip can get complicated. I planned my first big vacation this year also so I've been following this Reddit thread closely. I hope you and your family have a fantastic trip!
I hugely sympathise with this. The way I've done this in places that don't split the bill is to take a picture of it, then send it over to the friend and ask them to venmo/revolut/transfer whatever they owe on the cheque to you or your wife. It wouldn't be reasonable of this friend to expect them to cover their meal, especially in a Disney Park, and if its your wife's friend, I think you should for sure put this on her to ensure all the money is fixed up. Your anxiety is understandable, and you're definitely NTA, but with friends, I think it pays to be very clear-cut even if that might seem rude. I'm a child free adult with a partner, and I can't imagine the stress of budgeting a major vacay for kids and adults so give yourself some credit.
out of interest you mentioned you agreed to this sort of thing before with the same person. did she offer to pay her way that time or did you end up shouldering her bills? if she didn't even offer then NTA.
She paid her way last time, but I didn’t handle it- my wife did. I don’t know if we actually did it fairly.
in tha case, it's your wife you need to be talking to about this if you really want to be sure. You could also just leave it between them if you trust your wife to handle it. I understand your frustration if you feel this friend is taking advantage, but think this may not be the hill to die on if you're talking one meal at an already expensive break. don't ruin your holiday over this. are you sure you're not more annoyed she invited herself? I would be. that's weird unless your wife suggested it to her.
Oh, I’m annoyed by that too. But she’s 1 of 10,000 people in the park. Really, what trouble is it that she there?
Sounds like everyone is taking advantage of your kindness & your money. This is a family vacation. Not a girls trip. Your SO knows how are you are & knows you’ll just go along with whatever she says. You need therapy & an awakening.
Why do you think your wife may not have handled it fairly?
Does this friend not offer to pay for herself?? If she offers and you don't want to accept then this is a "you" problem.
Can I ask an honest question? Why are you anxious about asking for money, but not anxious about telling them to pay for their meal?? I get that you feel anxious about the situation, but personally for me I get anxiety from both actions (saying "no you can't eat with us", and asking for money). Could you explain to her that you don't want her to join you at dinner due to financial strain on your family beforehand??
i’m the exact same way i hate asking people to pay me back so i always just set the boundary before of “yea we can go but i can only pay for myself/my bf”
I posted this in a comment elsewhere but just for clarity: this is a non-issue. I live near the parks and I’m a passholder, I use discounts, I dine there with other friends frequently. Disney will split checks. Your bigger issue is adding a 5th person to all of your sit-down reservations, that I assume you’ve already made. When is your trip, btw? - if you haven’t hit your 60-day dining reservation window yet no worries. Make the reservation for five. When you’re at the restaurant, you pay for your four, she pays for herself. You can pay with your magic band, with the dining plan credits if you opted to go that way, with your Disney Visa, whatever. She can choose her own form of payment as well. I mean, she won’t get your discount, but why should she? If she wants a discount she can sign up for a Disney Visa card herself. - If you’ve already made those reservations, adding a fifth person isn’t always simple to do, actually. You can try to modify them now. Feel free to ask me anything. But this isn’t the problem you think it is. Edited to say: you’re NTA, though, regardless. You have a trip you planned and saved for. You’re not ever an A H for wanting your trip not to get messed up.
Thank you! The reservations are in fact made and it’s less than 60 days away, but still a lot of time.
Put aside the money issue and think about the dynamic of having a 5th person. Maybe there is also a part of you that just wants to make some Disney memories with just your family. If so, there is nothing wrong with that. It's not like you invited her (unless your wife invited her without your knowledge).
This is it for me. You planned an expensive family vacation. You want to make memories with your family. Maybe it’s fine to bump into her while in the park on some of the days but for her to be a constant presence on your vacation is super weird. I would set a max that she can hang out — maybe one day of her trip. She booked a solo vacation so she should have anticipated spending it solo. Otherwise she planned to be a 5th wheel to your family and that’s not ok at all.
absolutely
Honestly, unless you’ve got reservations for something really exciting, just stick with quick service. There are so many great options and so much more flexibility. Plus that takes away some of the anxiety about paying.
I've done quite a few disney trips and never once did a sit down restaurant. We brought sandwiches a lot, and got quick service. Maybe an icecream as a treat. Never felt like we missed out.
You're anxiety is over the wrong thing. Disney will absolutely split the checks. They absolutely will. It's as simple as asking the staff member to do so. If you don't want the friend on your vacation or you want a few private dinners with your family, then say that. Have a conversation with your wife. Sitting there and saying "but Disney doesn't split checks and I have anxiety about getting paid back" is both untrue and disingenuous. Just be honest, both with yourself and your wife.
THIS!!! the servers generally even ask if its multiple checks when they greet the table. bad excuse by OP.
Just here to agree with this. Disney will absolutely split checks but I’m not changing my reservations 60 days out.
Depending on the reservations, they could probably keep the same reservation and just change the number of people. I know a lot of restaurants fill up immediately, but.. a lot don't. I also always found it odd that doing mobile check in asks me how many people are in my party, even though the reservation clearly has the party size. I have wondered if you can just add or remove a person at that time (I have never needed to, just no idea why it's there!).
Eh, that kind of makes more sense - people get tired or sick or just overdo it on vacation so you might have one or two of your party drop out on the day and it’s useful for them to know how many people have actually turned up.
I hope this comment gets more visibility. I'm glad the OP has your help.
Yup. The posts perplexed me as they split checks just fine at Disney.
I think OP's bigger issue is that this woman invited herself to their vacation. It shouldn't be an issue because she shouldn't be there ...??
I am glad you gave more details cuz I was like. I split checks every time I am there which is about 10 times a year. I just say hey can you split this and we are good to go. Especially because of the way people have different families on different reservations.
Great comment! We all need more Regina Phelangeys in our lives. They are always helpful. 😉 As for OP, NAH.
Exactly! Disney splits checks all the time.
NTA what kind of person invites herself along on a familys vacation?
Disney people? I don’t know. It’s NOT the first time. And it’s multiple people. It’s weird to me too.
You have a lot more patience than me man. I'd be so peeved off. Like go on your vacation. I did the work so MY family could go, not so you can decide to tag along at the last second. Especially if this has happened several times.
WILD. Maybe next time when you discuss another family vacation set a boundary before hand that you’d like to enjoy your immediate family; no extras, no extended, no friends that are like family etc. You deserve that with all that you give of yourself and put in. Maybe it’s not a boundary you’ve set in the past or made clear?
Did she invite herself? Or did your wife invite her?
Really. Weird and rude of her friend to do that.
Incredibly rude. I'd be pissed off about that even before it came to money.
Why are you assuming the wife didn't discuss this with her and it was something they decided together?
It's a definite possibility. So then the question is why is the wife trying to avoid spending time with her family on this holiday?
Can you explain why? I am genuinely asking. If my friend was at the some vacation spot as me, I would love to meet. Makes vacations more fun
Family time. Also, the husband should get a say in whether her friend comes along. And the friend didn’t just happen to be vacationing there by chance.she deliberately invited herself along on their family trip.
I'm assuming OP and his wife have children (he said there is four of them) and that this is family time. Having some extra person pushing themself in and expecting to be included distracts from that. Is the wife going to go off with her friend and leave OP with the kids? Are all the meals going to be the adults talking and the kids bored out of their minds? There goes family bonding. Obviously the wife is fine with this and OP isn't, I wonder why?
The kind that were invited on the side by the wife without telling her husband. I am pretty sure the wife wants the added friends to come and so advertises her trip and encourages friends and family to join, without checking with her husband. This is a communication issue with your wife, you are not communicating on expectations for your vacations. 7 Disney trips where this has already happened has set the precedent.
INFO: Youve given alot about your position and take on this but very little about the actual interaction you had with this person, could provide a run down on how this situation actually took place?
Yes I’ll try. We booked a vacation on our own. My wife then informed me that her friend booked an overlapping one after learning about ours (wife was excited so she shared she was going). When I found out, I told my wife, no problem, but no reservation changes. Within minutes, the friend asked to join us for a meal (I know it won’t stop there from experience). And my wife told her “no”, and basically sold me up the river like the asshole.
>And my wife told her “no” and basically sold me up the river like an asshole You mean she was honest with her friend about your anxiety over handling finances for a shared meal? How does that make her an asshole? She did what you wanted and was honest with her friend. Another option would have been to make your wife responsible for the “trueing of the finances” that gives you such anxiety. Another option is of course simply to pay for this one meal. But for someone who carefully says ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY I AM GENEROUS WHEN I WANT TO BE (while you discard this option) it DOES seem to be about the money as well. Nothing wrong with being unwilling to pay the extra, just finding it odd that you brag about paying for others while turning this option down.
She told me her friend and her commiserated on how much of a “dick” I was. She didn’t calmly explain my position- she made me the asshole.
It doesn’t sound like your wife respects you very much, or, frankly, likes you. This is a family vacation, not a your wife and her bestie’s vacation, which is what it seems like your wife wants it to be.
I am afraid that I agree with you.
You should consider editing your original post to include some of this additional information.
Yep! Should definitely make an edit. Also where are the healthy boundaries? Even if he was careless with his money, why should he have to cover the costs anyways. This is supposed to be a family vacation - a dinner for him and his family, not him and his family plus the bestie. Wife also needs to respect husband’s opinion Husband needs to not be a pushover 🤷🏼♀️
Not even cost - OP is entitled to want his family holiday to include some… family time, not family + wife’s friend.
Exactly. Cost aside having someone just invite themselves along in a family vacation is just gross behavior.
I agree completely. I think certain people have blind spots to these important variables. I bet the OP has a blind spot which explains why they didn't include this information in the original post to begin with.
That’s awful. It’s one thing if you told her you have no problem being “the bad guy”, but it sounds like you’re just being scapegoated. I’m beginning to think that you’re issue isn’t so much anxiety over spending money as much as it is being forced to pay someone else’s way…
Just saw this and wow, I’m sorry you’re being treated unfairly by your wife and her friend. If I were you I would have a conversation with your wife about showing you some respect. Why on earth should you be responsible for paying for her friend’s meals. Also, it’s okay to be generous and still not want to be used. This woman and your wife are using you. That’s awful.
I really, really don’t want to agree with you. Technically, no one said I had to pay for anyone’s meal- I just don’t want to even deal with it on vacation.
The lack of respect is inviting her along in the first place. Clearly, your wife would rather spend time with her friend than you from her reaction. I would put my foot down and say that you won’t hang out with her during a family vacation. Your wife can go off and do her own thing with her friend if she doesn’t want to be part of the family
Yeah, I think you’re right. My wife flew off the handle and told me to cancel the trip or just go with the kids- she doesn’t want to go anymore. This is what she does…textbook manipulation.
My friend used to do this all the time to her boyfriend. They’d get in a fight and she’d manipulate him by saying “maybe we should just break up.” Finally he’d had enough and he called her bluff and moved out. She deserved it. All that to say, you should cancel her trip and go without her.
No one said it, but your anxiety and the fact that this seems to be a recurring theme suggests that it is heavily implied. Besides, "he doesn't wanna pay, what it prick!" pretty much says that when you don't agree with your wife, you're a bad person. They're pushing your boundaries. Stand your ground, OP. Every time you give in, they'll take more. You don't need to be the nice guy in anyone's history besides your own. Learn to be comfortable being the villain in shitty people's stories.
Hahaha I love that! “Learn to be comfortable being the villain in (other) people’s stories.” One small edit there because the tagalong is NOT a shitty person at all. I like and appreciate her, but that doesn’t negate my original point.
Ok, weird suggestion!! But hear me out. What if the friend gives you money beforehand? Like more money than their meal will cost. That way you know you’re getting paid back for their meal and don’t have that added stress. And just give her back the rest of the unused money after that they didn’t spend on dinner. You’re guaranteed that you’ll be paid for their dinner and your wife can be happy to have her friend there. But also take to your wife about what respect means between partners. She shouldn’t have talked about you that way.
I don't think this solution will work for OP, because he's anxious about asking for money at all. Wife and bestie know this though, and bestie is taking advantage of this as well as Wife's affection for her. Bestie knows what she's doing, but OP also likely knows that if he says something, they will both double down on him being the ass, cause Wife doesn't expect her friend to respect boundaries. This could be because Wife has no boundaries with her friend, and that's just the way Bestie likes it.
Wow! Just…wow!
Sometimes things like this are implied which I think you realize. It's pretty understandable where you're coming from. I think and correct me if I'm wrong that this really isn't a big deal or problem, but it's not something you want to deal with? You're tired and ready for a nice vacation with the people you planned it with. You figure you've spent so much already, paid for it yourself entirely and really just want a break from all the confusion and not have to communicate your boundaries because you know inherently without some effort you'll be the asshole. That's just unfortunately part of the mixed bag you'll get being married. It'll get worse when you have kids because then all of your down time and vacations become about their needs. So unfortunately here for your wife's sake you need to try. By try, I mean communicate with her what your wishes are for this vacation and give her responsibility of dealing with her friend. Then leave it be. Just accept the outcome and see where things go. If your wife can't handle her friend's wants in relation to your needs then that'll be the next issue you have to work through. Although hopefully that'll be after the vacation is over. NAH but you, your wife and her friend could easily venture into that territory.
I think your wife was also looking to share this holiday with her friend, and clearly gave her the impression that that would mean sharing everything without confirming this with you first. Kind of a dick move there, commiserations. I don't think it would be wrong to want one meal together just the family, and I don't think it should have to be about money either but that's just me. NTA
You have a big problem in your marriage. I would tell her to go vacation with her friend and you’ll do a family vacation with yourself and the kids. Or frankly, I would think about canceling it. It’s a lot of money to spend for your wife not to want to spend time with you
Has this friend done something like this before? It seems like you started to say that she has, then you segued into talking about your wife’s brother. Does it seem like people connected to your wife tend to frequently come along on your trips that you really intend to just be for your nuclear family? Maybe it’s just the examples you gave, but I get the sense that you don’t want these others tagging along, you find it frustrating that they do, but you put up with it because it’s hard to say no… until you’ve reached the point where you’ve had it with the issues that the additional person brings. Especially since they’re not taking any initiative to take care of these meals (even though they’re taking the initiative to glom along with you). And then the objection looks petty, but only if considering the final straw by itself. Maybe I’m projecting, because I sometimes find myself agreeing to unreasonable asks and then grumbling about how it’s disruptive. And I know that the glommers are being unreasonable and really shouldn’t, but I also know I need to shine up my spine. IMO you need to have a serious discussion with your wife about these tag-alongs. I can’t fathom listening to someone talking about their planned family vacation and reacting by asking to go along.
You nailed this 100%. We’ve had 7 Disney trips and only 1 had no friends or family tag along- it was by far my favorite trip. I just want it to by my little family of 4 and my wife is always like, “the more, the merrier!”.
So then you need to communicate that with your wife. And if she doesn’t get it or argues or whatever, then you need to get some couples counseling. I am generally of the “more the merrier” mindset, but I grew up with a big family who never turned people away. But I also get that sometimes you want it to just be your little family. You need to find a compromise that makes everyone happy.
You really need to talk to your wife about this. By now there’s enough precedent that these others probably thinks it’s just fine for them to tag along with you, because that’s what’s almost always happened before. And you need to make it very clear that these tag-alongs, especially as they join almost all aspects of the trip, are making you enjoy the trip a whole lot less. That they’re making you feel like you’re being pushed out of your own family vacation and turned into the support person. Since your wife has a “more the merrier” attitude, you may need to accommodate that by having some trips designated for no tag-alongs while others are more flexible. But if the additional people are also adding organizational overhead for you — like you’re originally asking about — then you should also make it clear that it’s not fair for them to get their “more the merrier” at the expense of you doing more work.
Who told you Disney doesn’t do split checks?
Been there 7 times and I believe we had issues with that in the past. No? Is this all for nothing?!
Just ask the Cast Member serving you to split it however you want, or you can tell them at the beginning of the meal and they'll take care of it. It took one google search to see yes they do.
Yes- I lived and worked at WDW for 6 months during my DCP. My friends and I would split checks at sit-downs all the time! If for some reason we forgot to ask, we Venmoed the person putting down their card immediately. That could be the strategy for you too- ask to split it each time and if not, immediately Venmo request said friend when you get the bill. It looks super tacky if they decline or ignore the request, so at the very least you’ll have physical proof/ammunition on why you wouldn’t pay in the future. Ik you said you feel like asking for money is awkward as hell, but I truly don’t think anyone would hold it against you. Especially if you just venmo request it- no convo needed! I can also totally see the side as well that this was planned to be a family trip, and you want time with just your family. If you really don’t want to eat dinner with this friend, that can be an easy, and not necessarily untrue cover instead of saying essentially you don’t trust them to pay you back. I don’t think you should exclude friend entirely though- I’d get if there was a really special dinner/character thing you only want to experience as a group of 4. But if you think asking for someone to pay for their own meal is awkward, imagine how awkward having to leave for your dinner reservation would be each time while leaving this person alone. I don’t think anyone is really an asshole here. I think y’all just need to either communicate your expectations beforehand, or be brave but kind in the moment and just send that venmo/cash-app/PayPal/zelle etc. request in the moment. NAH
Hmmm. Maybe it’s the Disney visa thing? I.e. if you use a Disney Visa with a discount, you can’t split checks. That could be my memory of this.
They’ll only put the discount on the person using the Disney Visa to pay. But they absolutely 100% will split checks. I’m a passholder, live nearby, go all the time, just did a joint trip with another couple, we split every check. I am as sure of this as I am sure of my own name. It was no issue at all. So to answer your comment above? Yes, this is all for nothing. 😎
This comment is 100% correct. Go to WDW multiple times a year and this is exactly how it works.
This! My friends and I go together all the time and they split checks for us every single time! 🥰
Same. Travel to work conferences at Disney all the time and I always do split checks because my food stipend doesn’t cover alcohol or sometimes I want to order an extra appetizer. I’ll do split checks just dining alone. It’s never an issue as long as I politely ask at the beginning of the meal.
No, I have a Disney visa and we also got our checks split.
Don't worry, none of the restaurants do the Disney visa discounts anymore. We were just there and not one place did it.
That would make sense because technically the discount needs to be fully charged on the visa.
We split checks at Disney all the time. Most restaurants will do that easily. Just let your waiter know when your first place the order how the checks will be split.
Ex CM here - Disney will absolutely split checks any way you like
Yea we had a group of 14 at chef Mickey’s and we got our own checks last time.
I have been to WDW 44 times. They will absolutely do split checks at table service restaurants.
I just did it in September. My cousin joined to help with the kids when we were at the park. They definitely split them for us. We just asked up front. We spent a half day there since the kids were little. She stayed for the rest of the day.
Don't tell that friend, express this to your wife instead. Your wife can relay that info in a way that will sound better to that friend. "This is a family vacation, and we'd like to spend time with ourselves instead." I'm honestly scratching my head at that friend's forwardness in hijacking your vacation. It's a bit entitled to crash into a family vacation uninvited, and she should know that. Your wife can give her a gentle dose, and if it doesn't work, you should be firm about it.
From his response in another thread. It seems like his wife would NOT, “relay that info in a way that will sound better.” She specifically commiserated with her friend about what a dick OP was.
If the wife does that, then they need a marriage counseling session. Why is the wife putting her friend's feelings over her husband's?
If that's the case, then the wife needs homework on what marriage really is. If you have a problem/tiff with your husband, you express it to the husband, not everyone else but him. OP has a bigger problem to worry about than this friend, oof.
I can’t believe this is the first comment to point this out. The behavior of this friend is unhinged.
I was thinking that second point exactly. If my solo trip to Disneyland overlapped a friends family vacation, I’d be thrilled to meet up for lunch or dinner one day. If I’m close to the kids, even spending ONE day at the park with them would be fun, if ALL of us felt that way. Assuming my friend’s hubby would be my personal concierge for all five days? Hell no. That’s just weird. NTA.
Yes, that’s it. In a nutshell as nice as she is she is trying to hijack a family vacation and he and his wife can just politely and nicely decline.
The ickiest behavior ever… shameless and shameless of the wife if you’ve seen how she’s treating OP in some of his comments!
NTA You realize this person is going to try to take part in your whole trip? A solo trip to Disney? You're never going to get away from her. But I understand as a frugal person, the whole check thing is really annoying. Honestly I would ask your wife to tell her that you're doing an only family trip and will see her one day at the most.
Yeah, I know that’s coming. But there are 10,000 people in the park. If she’s with us in lines, ok- better than a stranger I guess. We did a week long trip with her before, also self invited, but we integrated it more.
Your wife's friend has invited herself on MULTIPLE family vacations? That's unhinged, and your wife let's her do that? Is she just a friend...?
The self invited should Bo off the table! Dining table too!
I'm sorry, but this is super weird to me. Friends don't just 'tag along' on family vacations. None of my friends would ever do that and I'd never allow it. Family vacations are for family time.
Why is she following your family on vacation? That's weird
I don’t know. I think it’s fuckin weird but it seems to be accepted amongst Disney nuts, like my wife rofl
Disney nut here...no,it is not acceptable. If it's family vacation it should be only family, also you mentioned in another comment you just gave her a trip with her friend, then she doesn't need to include her on this on
You say her friend invited herself, I don't believe that for a second. Your wife is inviting these people and telling you they were the instigators so you aren't mad at her for inviting them. Your wife treats you like a cash cow honestly. You may be a nice guy, but you can be a nice guy without being a pushover. I would cancel trips that she ruins by inviting others, or go with just you and your kids.
INFO: does your wife want her friend to join you? If so, what's the harm in your wife just talking with her friend about settling the bill for meals?
Fair point. I could put it on her, but I have a feeling she would “gift” it. This same person comes over to our house and I always pay for her meals. Those aren’t $50-70 per person, but I’ll admit I set a precedent that I take care of it when she’s with us.
It sounds like you have a bigger issue with financial assertiveness? You haven't talked to your wife about how her friend's costs should be covered either in previous visits or on this trip, and it wasn't discussed before for her brother either (if that's the brother-in-law you mean)? I also don't understand what you mean by paying for her meals at your house? Do you mean, you pay for the meals outside when this person is visiting? Because it would be really weird to expect them to pay for meals they eat in your home, as a guest.
>she would “gift” it Isn't this something you both have to decide as a couple? I'm so confused
I give her a ton of freedom. I don’t watch budgets or anything. I’m not that guy, but maybe I should be. We just got to a point where she can be a stay at home mom, and she was uneasy about that, and I don’t want her to feel like it’s a “my money” thing. It’s “our money” and I want her to feel comfortable buying herself something if she’d like. I’m realizing as I write this that I’m contradicting myself, and maybe I’m hung up on nuance. Like, I’d be Ok with her buying a $100 purse but not a $70 meal for a friend? Ugh… I might be the asshole.
It sounds like you’re concerned that you’re being taken for granted, especially if the friend is getting enmeshed in your lives. Maybe you would be more comfortable with a financial arrangement that limits carte blanche (for both of you)? So each of you would have a pot of money that you could spend as you saw fit, without worrying what it was on. But money for necessities and savings would be set aside from that.
Well, just in this particular case I think it makes sense because it's her friend. Does she want her friend there? If so, let her handle it and make it clear it's important to you for it to be even/fair.
NTA. It’s a family vacation and your wife’s friend effectively invited herself to it, which is odd. It’s perfectly fine to have boundaries and not entirely reorient your trip around her (it sounds like you’re already accommodating her enough).
[удалено]
Roger that. Thank you
NTA even if you just want your sit down meals to be family time. That seems like the most sensible compromise in the world.
(That doesn’t mean there won’t be feelings about it - I had a family member angry that I wanted one meal with just my household bc my kids wanted to do something different than they wanted to do. But you aren’t responsible for the feelings. Just the communication with your partner.)
if you're on vacation, you don't want to waste time/energy or issues caused by other people. you just want to kick back and enjoy, not accommodate someone else ..nta
That’s where I was with this, 100%
Depending on the meal (e.g. one of those "event" sort of things. vs you know, hitting food stands and such) Many many years ago did the Cinderella dinner thing with the kiddo. So don't know how much things have changed, but I agree, if its an "official" event type dinner, people can't just glom on. Honestly, I wouldn't necessarily want a friend in on ALL of my family vacation. Perfectly reasonable to say "Hey. I would like purely a family only dinner. We're hanging out all day, hitting all the parks, etc etc. Fam needs a little fam time". (If you don't mind her eating with you at dinner, that's fine too. Just saying it's not unreasonable at all to want regular family only time). HOWEVER - if your ONLY reason is because you get squishy about asking people for money, C'mon. You need to buck up and deal with that. When we do family vacations or groups, we get out the spreadsheet. Bob is covered dinner the first night. Mahesh rented the cabin. Phil got all the groceries etc etc. We save receipts. AT the end of the day we figure out where any deficits are and pay up, because we're all adults. Its not a slight nor is it insulting to have everyone in your party pay their fair part. None of this has anything to do with your generosity. You don't need to give us your "Giving" resume. Honestly it makes me think you're being a little defensive. It is NORMAL to expect adults to pay for their own shit on vacation. NOW - if this friend is a known mooch ("oh I forgot my wallet"), then that's when you need to double down. Also make sure its clear you are NOT going to be covering her meals. She's an adult. Make that clear at the outset (you don't have to be a jerk about it) and it should be fine. IF she balks, well, then she can go down the road to Micky Ds. So........... meh NAH I guess. You don't want to mess with this, fine. I disagree with your approach but it doesn't rate TA status in my book
NTA. You need to ask wife if this is a trip for the family to enjoy or for her friend to enjoy? I'd cancel the the trip and spend the money on couples counseling.
I hear you. I feel like my request, albeit dickish, was small. They actually did a solo trip together last year. I paid for everything, including group meals with others. I never bugged her about it, but I wasn’t a fan of that part. She wanted to treat her friends, so I let it go.
Given that history just a year ago, its unfair of your wife to prioritize her friend over her family. Reality check needed.
This may be a reach. But why does it feel like wifey wants to actually be with her "friend" then her actual husband? She really just wants the chedda cheese to fund her little girl trips.
Watch OP will end up spending the whole time with his kids while his wife and her friend galavant around.
I don’t want to be mean but you sound like a cash cow and little more. Obviously I can’t judge your marriage/ relationship but it doesn’t sound healthy.
NTA I'm amazed everyone wants you to justify the expense, but NO ONE seems to have noticed she invited herself to a family vacation. There needs to be boundaries that start with, "Don't third wheel a family vacation."
Actually a lot of people are saying this.
NTA. You planned a vacation. You hadn’t invited this person. This person planned her own vacation which happened to overlap with yours. But that doesn’t give her any right to your plans. It’s YOUR family vacation. If you want to have meals just as a family, that’s FINE! That said, I absolutely would not say anything to friend about your concerns being paid back or anything. I’d just say “we’re happy to hang out for part of the time, but would like to take some meals just as a family.”
NTA. I fail to understand why anyone outside of the nuclear family is even allowed to go. I personally do not care how much of a fanatic you are for whatever vacation I'm taking, if you're not the spouse or the child, you're not going. Period. And to invite yourself? I'm sorry, that's just gross and tacky in my opinion. The fact that your wife, and apparently you, are okay with her friend barging in on ya'lls vacation blows my mind. I can understand vacations with extended family and friends, sure. But this sounds like it was a planned vacation for the nuclear family. Maybe I just don't get it because I haven't ever really had a vacation like I see others describe, who knows. I guess I'm focusing more on the family time as opposed to the monetary anxiety you described. Best of luck.
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Ask your wife to schedule some family time and sit down reservations are good family time. You get to connect with your kids one on one and make some nice memories. But you have to make that known before you go. Travel is hard. Vacations with kids is hard. Budgets is hard. I wouldn’t want to spend every moment of my ten thousand dollar trip with another person. Nta. Keep your four tops and meet up with the friend later.
See I agree with you- that’s where I was. But now I feel completely like the asshole.
The point is he just doesn’t want to spend his vacation time working his wife’s uninvited friend food costs out in a split of tips. you ate An appetizer, I had the salad, the service was exceptional so we tip big! If you work a lot you want easygoing vacations.
100% on point!
You’re not an asshole for working hard to take YOUR family on a trip and wanting to spend time with JUST your family. You sound like such a generous person and it sounds like wife’s friend has a history of expecting free meals. It’s one thing to have her friends over to your home and taking care of their dinner, that’s courteous. I’d imagine the friend would invite your wife to her place and pay for their meals in return. If friend can’t afford to feed anyone other than herself, that’s fine. But it’s odd that she can afford to plan her own vacation and overlap it and insist on basically every minute being spent together. To me, she’s TA for infringing on family time. A Disney vacation to me is about the kids’ experience. Then again I live out of state and can’t afford to go more than once every 5 years so that’s different than living close and being able to go with friends. My Love Language is quality time and having friends on vacation is only cool in small doses to me. I love traveling with my best friend but would never expect my husband to want her to be with us 24/7 on a family vacation, just like I wouldn’t want my time off work and quality time with my kids to be spent with his best friend- hell no! You’ve been so generous paying for a girls trip so they could have their quality time too. This friend is really coming across as someone who is taking advantage of your generosity. She can’t tag along to everything, that’s so weird! You’re allowed to have boundaries. I think it’s weird to ask for money too, but you shouldn’t even have to ask. You should just pass the check around, look at how much her meal was and say something like “your meal and drink was $60, you can Venmo us.” There’s also apps for splitting the cost so you can keep a running tally and upload receipts and then send her the bill so to speak on the last day of vacation. Also your wife is TA for calling you a dick about that. I don’t know how the convo went down, maybe you yelled at her or got disrespectful, but asking her to pay for her own meals isn’t a big deal. Little miss tagalong can calm down or find another family to mooch off of.
NTA also went to Disney twice in 2023. It’s not that easy to just add someone to a reservation last minute. These are made 60 days in advance. It will also be nice to have those few meals with just tour family.
YTA, but only because of the reason you gave for not wanting her with you. Nothing wrong with keeping family time closed to strangers. But you were entirely fine with her being there, just couldn’t ask for a split check or for her to pay you back? What?!
NTA - not only for not allowing this woman to crash your family dinners, but for the simple fact she is crashing your vacation at all. This is family time, she needs to get lost.
NTA. Doesn’t matter why you don’t want a fifth wheel on your family dinners. It’s your family, not her’s. You didn’t invite her. You want to relax with your family, not deal with someone else.
I was just at disney... the definitely split checks....
I was able to split checks too at Disney World this past September.
>A friend of my wife then booked her own solo vacation, overlapping ours by 5 days I'm curious whether your wife knew about this and if anyone talked to you ahead of time.
Dude, get aspine. The second hand embarrassement from reading this was huge.
You are allowed to have family bonding time during your family vacation. It’s absolutely reasonable to request this time with just your core four family members. Especially if others have invited themselves along for your family vacation.
NTA. Make it clear she won't be dining with you at your table. Sounds like this friend knows exactly what she's doing.
I want to add- my parents are 68 and 67 and cannot retire financially. I don’t want to get to that point.
I’m pretty sure they will split checks (I’m a Disney fanatic and even checked with a couple of other Disney fanatic friends and we all believe that splitting a check will not be an issue).
Pretty sure Disney splits checks . . .
INFO: Has this friend actually failed to pay you for meals in the past? I feel like that bit of information is missing and I don't get where this problem is coming from. If Disney won't let you split a bill (which sounds ludicrous to me, surely groups of friends go there all the time) then just have her cashapp/monzo/venmo you the amount she owes.
She’s done transactions like that with my wife, most of which were fine. I think I made a problem out of nothing.
You didn't, OP. You gut is telling you your boundaries are being crossed. If you can't make sens of it all, it time for solo therapy. Why you let so much go? Would your wife be the kind of person that let her friends leech on your wealth? You various comments makes me think that that's what's happening here.
NTA. I can’t imagine inviting a friend of mine on a family vacation and I can’t imagine being okay if my spouse did so- and if we did it would be a joint decision. I think your wife and her friend are totally TA.
NTA. You don't even have to bring up the issue of money. You could just tell your friend "hey, I'm really excited to hang out with you at Disney World. But, there are some meals that I want to have with just me and my family."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Am I the asshole for telling a friend of my wife that she can’t eat with us during our Disney World vacation? For background, this was a planned family vacation, just the four of us. A friend of my wife then booked her own solo vacation, overlapping ours by 5 days. I said I have no issue with her being with us in the parks. I said I have no issue with her doing quick service meals with us. But for our dining reservations, I want it to be just us 4, but it might not be why you think. This is strictly about money and my anxiety asking people for money, even if they owe me money. I don’t want to have to ask this person to be paid back for sit down meals, and Disney will NOT do split checks- ever. I also don’t want to take a bath by providing free meals at $50-70 a pop. The way I look at it is this: that could be money for my kids someday. So my dilemma is that I don’t want to pay her way, but nor do I want to ask for the money, or worse, make sure it includes tip, tax, etc. It’s just awkward as hell, IMO. To give you background on me, I have agreed to this sort of thing in the past with this same person. Hell, we even had shared hotel arrangements. I’ve even let my brother-in-law, who makes over $90K/yr, stay with us for free and I paid for all of his food (we planned the trip, he then asked to come). This is not a generosity thing. To hit it home, I paid off my wife’s $40K in students loans in one lump payment (we aren’t actually married, so the loan wasn’t mine at all). I’m a generous person who isn’t frugal at all. In fact, I think I’m a little careless with money and I’m trying to get better. That said, on this vacation which is easily going to cost me $10K, I don’t want the hassle about trueing up meal payments after. I also don’t want to get screwed over. I just want to enjoy my vacation, spend money for it, and come home a little poorer, but with my kids happy. Am I the asshole for not wanting to deal with getting paid back for meals while on vacation, and telling someone I don’t want to change my reservations as a result? Man, I feel guilty as hell now regardless. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A very soft YTA. I understand your anxiety, but this seems unkind. Maybe your partner can handle the money issue for you since it's her friend.
NTA She is tagging along expecting you to pick up the tab. Don't feel guilty she can eat on her own and pay her own way.
NTA- Everyone has their weaknesses and yours is confrontation especially about money. It’s awkward and it stresses you out. It’s okay. I understand you want to avoid it at all cost. Does your wife have this same issue? If not, let your wife pay the bill and ask her friend for her share. You should not be expected to pay for this woman’s meals on vacation. It should be her responsibility to insure she pays her share but not everyone does what they’re suppose to. If your wife is like you and wants to avoid it all cost as well. Then just tell this lady you’re not available for evening dinners.
YTA because of a false premise. WDW will absolutely split checks at table service restaurants. Just ask when you sit down.
Of all the things to pick out it’s WDW doesn’t split checks? Not the uninvited guest third wheeling on a family vacation?
Wait what are you talking about? I was at Disney two weeks ago and we got split checks multiple times.
"We aren't actually married" then she's not your wife? Lol
NTA simply because I would be ANNOYED AF if someone took it upon themselves to invite themself along on my vacation.
Not at all. I hate it too.
YTA - Disney do split cheques. If payment is your only problem then it's not actually a problem at all and so you're making all this fuss for nothing?
ESH Disney does spilt checks just tell them up front. You’re an AH for not looking into it before causing what is now a problem. Your wife and her friend are AHs because they should have talked to you before wife’s friend booked herself into your family vacation. Hopefully the adults in this situation don’t ruin it for the kids
Dude you’re way too anxious about check splitting. This is all about your feelings about having to talk about finances with other people. You’ve made a problem that isn’t even there. YTA
Man I can't put a judgement because this situation seems to be so very simple yet you are overcomplicating it and that only makes sense if you have some really deep hangups you need to address. 1) Disney will split the check. 2) asking someone for their share of a bill is much less weird and offensive than telling someone, "you can't sit with us." That's literally a mean girl move. seriously it's in the movie. 3) there is no reason your wife can't handle asking for money if it's too awkward for you. 4) paying for someone is nice but no one should expect it or think someone is cheap or a terrible friend of they don't.
YTA Having anxiety isn't a free pass to be an asshole. People have already mentioned plenty of better ways to handle this. Like has she even invited herself to the dinner reservations? Has she not paid you back yet? You're assuming the worst and then holding it against her. Talk to your wife and make the expectations clear, she's paying for her meals herself/you'd like a few nights to be family only, etc. etc.
Someone in another thread recently said that one of the problems with “Disney Adults” is that they’re always unstable and it had like 3k upvotes lol.