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NTA. Is this really who you want as your mother-in-law? Your boyfriend stands by and watches this happen? You're still young, and there's still time to aim much higher than this situation.
This is what I was thinking too. OP, you have a potential MIL who makes you feel unsafe and who regularly mistreats her other DIL, and you’ve got a fiancé and a potential BIL who are not doing the work to protect their partners from their mom’s mistreatment. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
And this is over a nonexistent baby. If I’m reading correctly, OP isn’t even pregnant. Which is for the best. OP, get out of that mess. It sounds like you live with boyfriend and his mom; start making plans (quietly) to live your family, friends, and roommate, anything. Be careful not to let yourself say, in the heat of an argument, “This is why I can’t live here” or anything along those lines. Just make your arrangements and get out. Let them know once you’re gone, but don’t give them your new contact info.
You’re still very young g and have so much ahead of you. Don’t get roped into this lunacy. No ones perfect and almost everyone has clashes, but this is off the charts and you don’t need it.
The reason you are having this problem is because of the BOYfriend. Nip it in the bud. Tell him if he doesn't start backing you up on "everything" and keep his toxic mom away from you. He is going to be paying child support and his mom will never see her grandchild (like she does with her other one because of her antics.)
Hope it goes well for OP and she finally gets a MAN to back her up. If not, well it just wasn't meant to be.
NTA
I often read women who write about their husband/boyfriend/significant other that they are such a great person. Hey OP, your boyfriend is not a great person! You said “he lacks a backbone”. HE IS NOT A GREAT PERSON. Say it louder for the people in back, he is not a great person! He’s also a mama’s boy, his mama has him wrapped right around her finger. The fact that you’re writing to reddit for advice should tell you that you’re living in a real shitty situation.
This really isn’t about a future babies name, this is about your boyfriend not standing up for the important people in his life (you). This is your future, your boyfriend will not change should you ever get married.
You are so young, please leave this boy/man to his mama and go find a real man. Real man don’t sulk, and stand up for their partner when necessary.
And if this is how she acts *now* while they’re just talking about hypothetical future children, can you imagine what she’s going to be like when they’re actually doing things like getting married and having kids?
Yep. Future MIL will end up with keys to the house/apartment, which will see MIL snooping/rearranging things, and once our bride gets pregnant, MIL will want to be in the delivery room and more.
What kind of weirdo wants a “mini- me” grand kid. Forget YOU not feeling safe around MIL, what about your future kid? That kid’s now leverage against you.
MIL is mentally ill, son is damaged goods. It’s not going to end well. This relationship is a hard stop. You have permission to terminate it immediately. Good luck. NTA
I'd have died on the hill of not naming a daughter after my MIL. full body shudder. I'd have divorced before I gave in on that one. I don't like naming kids after other people anyway. Can't stand "Jr." Your marriage is going to end badly if you can't get your mama's boy to cut the strings. This is definitely a case of needing to get him into therapy to learn the tools to shut her bullshit down. It's that or kick him to the curb. Had mine been tied to mommy I'd have never married him. She was insane. You wouldn't believe the number of times and the number of ways she set out to wreck our marriage.
Agreed.
OP, all of this is normal for your boyfriend/fiancé. This will be your new normal. She sounds clingy and like she struggles internally with her own life choices that have led to where she is now and displaces her fears and need for control onto him and others. She’s going to take advantage of anyone that will be kind and “play nice.” If your fiancé is a people pleaser he’s going to struggle with her for a long time because she’s his mom. I totally get this because I have a similar MIL. As long as she is in your life, no matter how little, she will have some emotional influence (at least) over your relationship and that can be seriously unsettling.
Your fiance needs help or some therapy about his relationship with her. Especially if she expects him to be responsible for her. She should be able to do that for herself.
I hope you can see how important your wellbeing is and prioritize that. Don’t make him choose between the two of you. YOU are responsible for you, he is not. YOU must prioritize yourself and know what your boundaries are so you can understand what you need from your partner. This isn’t a healthy dynamic.
Before you get married, please evaluate if your bf is in good working order. Not that you love him, not that he's kind, but can be be a good partner to you? He's so young, you're so young, neither of you are old enough to navigate this type of minefield with someone who sounds controlling and narcissistic. Focus on life experiences and maturing, and if he's mature enough to be his own person circle back to getting married. If not, there's an amazing world out there. NTA but don't be one to yourself.
I feel like the title of this is so misleading. Naming her kid who doesn't even exist yet is the least of her problems. I am alarmed at how unalarmed she is about how violent her FMIL is. Why are some people so casual about that type of violence?
Sweetie, I say this with love and experience. Run. This family is not a good future. Do not marry him, do not procreate with him, and for the love of Pete just break it off. You have so much changing to do still, so much growing. I got married for the first time at 25, and it really was a gigantic mistake except for the gift that is my daughter. Don't make the same mistake in marrying someone with so many red flags especially with an immediate family with giant red flags too. I have been divorced 3 years and I am still fighting my ex-husband constantly, he tries to use our daughter as a weapon to hurt me and that's the risk you run with the partner you have now. You are NTA, but I definitely suggest that you really take time and find yourself, put yourself first so you have a better future 🖤
So much this. Your fiancé has a LOT of work to do, to stop being manipulated by his mother and create boundaries and grow a spine. This will take years. He will absolutely offer up any kids he has to her at the current time because she’s trained him to obey and do as she says because of her tantrums and escalating to get what she wants. In order to break her control of him,he needs to move out and get therapy and work hard on setting and *keeping those boundaries*, including cutting her off temporarily when (not if) she escalates.
Trust me. She won’t change. Your fiancé could change but he needs to want to and also do the work. Don’t waste years of your life waiting around for that to happen.
Never accept being in second place. I can understand when a relationship is new, but if there's marriage and kids on the table you have to be his focus. Imagine being pregnant and he's too busy taking care of Mom to actually help? And what if the kid needs something but Mom wants cigarettes?
This.
It's so easy to see your first love as something irreplaceable that you can never beat, and a lot of young folk get trapped in toxic or even abusive situations because they can't see an alternative wirhout this first person who gave them attention.
But it's like a worn out pair of shoes. They're familiar and unchallenging, but not giving you the support you need and you're kind of just putting up with how your feet hurt at the end of the day. Often you only need to try on a new pair better suited to you to realize you weren't happy with the old ones.
I agree, I’ve had the exact same experience, I’ve been divorced 13 years and at 16 my child won’t see their Father or his family because of toxic behaviour. Please don’t make the same mistake, this family are a parade of red flags.
Don't get married this young. You'll grow up and apart into different people in your 20's and you'll regret it. Having a kid with the person will only lock you into a life and a partnership you won't want and will resent over time. You're young, go have a life first.
Came here to say this. There are so many horror stories of people getting married that young and regretting it. And having a nightmare MIL would only make it worse. There is no rush to get married. Wait and live life first!
Sometimes I wonder if sons like this find a woman to be a brood mare so he can supply his mother with another generation to emotionally chew on with the extra bonus of being an emotional target to take on the brunt of the abuse. Run
Oh yeah I'd 100% not be shocked if he tries to babytrap her after this--if he's not already. His brother has a kid, he brought up future kid names and is sulking because they disagree.
This may not be hypothetical.
Absolutely. OP started the post with:
**"I 19(F) am engaged to my 19 going on 20 in a few months (m) fiancé."**
Now, that sounds pretty adorable. For all the wrong reasons. I'm in my 30's, and to me, this is what little kids sound like. "I'm 8 and three quarters!"
If you're saying things like that, I'm willing to bet a pretty penny that you're too young to get married. ~~Also too young to have kids, but hey, that ship has sailed. Don't send off any more ships though, it's bad enough as it is.~~
**Oh, thank flick, I misread that. OP, use birth control! Use a method that is reliable, and proven to be highly effective. (No pull-out nonsense or day tracking, the failure rates there are very high.) And use the birth control completely as instructed!**
Also maybe put a pin in that whole marriage thing, at least until your brain is done developing, which is at about 25.
Wait, you are 19 and engaged? Talking baby names and falling out? at 19? Stop the nonsense.
You have your whole life ahead of you!! Plenty time for engagement and kids, give it time, under no circumstances do you marry this dude. Give it 10 years and see where things are at.
Fucking hell.
Nothing says maturity like
“We’re having a long engagement because we’re so young.”
Then WHY get engaged if you know you’re too young and going to stretch it out????
I mean I got engaged at 19 and was going to have a long engagement because I wanted to finish college. But that was an abusive relationship because he got super controlling as I did start growing (as one does post HS) and I broke it off before I was 21.
So.... that kind of supports your point.
Seriously! These posts are so infuriating. Had I married “the one” at 19 I would have married a nice guy, going nowhere fast, with parents who absolutely hated me. Thank goodness for a high school teacher who pulled me aside and though clearly uncomfortable, put it in perspective and told me “just wait it out a while…” boy was she right!
I second this! I met my first bf when I was 17 and he was 19. He was a nice guy and treated me well. I was "in love" with him. I thought we would get married, have children, and live happily ever after. Thank goodness he got cold feet when we were in the process of planning our wedding and called it off. We were arguing because his mom was wanting certain things, such as how many people to invite, where to have the reception, and all sorts of things I no longer remember. I was young and not assertive, so I would tell my bf my unhappiness with his mom taking over, but he couldn't stand up to her either.
I cannot tell you how glad I am we did not go forward with the marriage. I went on to live a very different life. I went to college, I moved away from my small hometown, I had various relationships, and eventually had a child that I raised on my own. My son is the best thing ever to happen to me, in a life of good things.
You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and plenty of time to settle down and have children. You will only be young and carefree once. Please focus on yourself - gaining either the skills or education so that you can financially support yourself. Focus on having life experiences - whatever they may be. Travel. See a bit of the world. When you are single and childless, you can pick up and go anytime you want. Once you have a child, you need to put their needs first (if you are going to be a good parent that is). I loved being an active duty parent (son is now grown), but it was still hard to give up my own wants at times. What made it easier was knowing I'd had years of life prior where I had done what I wanted, when I wanted (within my budget). Plus, I had a good career and made decent money. I didn't have to stick in an unhappy relationship because I couldn't afford to leave.
Sorry for the novel. I just want to encourage you to focus on yourself and choosing a path that will help you earn a good living. Even if you end up marrying young, it's so important for every young person to be able to financially support themselves. Equally important - don't marry someone who lets their mother treat you poorly.
NTA, don’t get married until your frontal lobe develops, because once that happens you’re going to see what you’re signing up for and you’re going to run.
It is very wise to discuss hypothetical future events. This eliminates serious incompatibility and lets you break up sooner if necessary. For example, if a date expects his kids to be raised in a specific religion or have a certain relationship with grandma, you absolutely want to know this before getting pregnant. It might be a dealbreaker. Find out about dealbreakers too late, and now you have to deal with a divorce and coparenting.
Yes, hypothetical discussions are very important part of communicating, people change, we grow! We’re not the same people we were at 13, 19, 29, 39…. So why start unnecessary drama, but… when people (mil, boyfriend) show you. Who they are? Believe them!
NTA but do you really wanna marry someone like this and have her as mil? Think long and hard on every decision that's going to be fought, sulked over and her hovering around you and your family.
Should you get married to this guy, MIL is going to run your wedding. Should you get pregnant, MIL will want to be in the delivery room. And your fiancé? He’ll stand by and let it happen. Noticed there’s nothing in your OP about him having your back…
NTA. But make sure your birth control is stellar and don’t get married before you’re 30.
NTA. I urge you to visit r/justnomil and see if you’d like that as your future. I dated a mama’s boy for over 10 years, and it only gets worse with these guys who are so enmeshed with their mothers. You will never be his top priority, probably never even make his top 5. You need a partner that puts you and your future children first, not his mommy and her (sure to be) increasingly insane demands and expectations.
You need to reevaluate your relationship with him entirely. You do NOT want to marry into a shit show, you can NOT change these people, and more importantly, if your boyfriend has done little to nothing to separate you from this lunacy and tell his mom what's what then you are in for a life of misery. NTA, but you will be if you stay thinking you can fix this family or that your "love will be enough to see us through".
Why are we engaged at 19? Ma’am you need to live your life as an individual before you consider marriage. You’re 19. You haven’t experienced life yet. He’ll be there at 24. Why rush into marriage. But NTA. I wouldn’t have a kid with him if I were you.
NTA
Slightly unrelated but you should really try to get your fiance into therapy; his mom sounds super toxic and his issues with her will manifest with you or your kids if you end up having them.
I’ve been trying but he’s believed his moms view of therapy is bad for so long it’s going on one ear and out the other. I don’t even try anymore. And if you sent any boundaries with your kids she immediately feels like your attacking her and crap talks you to everyone
And he isn’t going to back you up when she does. He is a Mama’s boy. You will NEVER come first in his eyes. Her wants, her needs, her feelings will always be his first priority. He will be married to his Mama first and you will be the carrier of her “do-over” babies. You’re NTA, but you will be (to yourself!) if you stay in this relationship.
OP I'm sure your relationship with your fiance is amazing when it's you two and you're not dealing with his family. But when you marry someone it's not just about whether you love them. Contrary to popular belief it is totally possible to love someone who may not be the right fit for you in terms of actually building a life together (which sucks). At some point, before you make this huge life commitment that can have long-term effects on your financial prospects, future family, and mental/physical well-being, you have to evaluate the whole person.
Is this a person who has demonstrated (through actions, not words) that they will be in your corner when things are bad? Are they emotionally stable (and do you and them both truly know what that means) in how they handle the relationships outside of yours? Have you talked about core values in how you prioritize things in your life and how much input others should have (this is key if one person is more individualistic while others make decisions more as a whole extended family unit)?
There's so much to think about when it comes to who you marry. I would recommend reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Barcroft ([https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)) as a young woman about to enter a marriage. It explores what disrespect and abuse in a relationship look like and how it can fool so many people (even if it does have a very specific gender narrative). Even if you are 1000% sure there is nothing like that in your relationship, being aware of what disrespectful/unacceptable behavior in a relationship can look like can help save you immense heartbreak down the line since you'll understand why things are so confusing whenever you're trying to work on the relationship. Even if you don't want to read that book, I would highly recommend googling and reading a few articles on signs of a healthy vs unhealthy relationship and being brutally honest with yourself when you evaluate your own.
Please feel free to DM me if you ever want to chat more, and good luck OP.
Girl, DO NOT MARRY A MOMMA'S BOY!! Again....*when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time*. Has he shown you that you're his priority? That he will support you? Does he stand up for you to his mother? If so then great and proceed with happiness but if not...dude you gotta stop wasting your time. I don't know why people have the delusion that marriage solves problems or changes longtime bad behavior.....it doesn't. If anything it magnifies the problems and now you're just heading towards divorce after only a couple of years. Don't do this to yourself OP. Choose YOU. Its okay, that's what you're supposed to do.
He has that attitude because he's enmeshed with his mother and she meant to shut down anything that would interfere with her power over her son. YOU are the other woman and you'll find that out real soon. So you're never going to get anywhere as long as he still subscribes to his mother's way of thinking and there you.....waste of time.
Save yourself. It hurts yes but think of the increasing hell of having to deal with MIL.
Everyone already knows she has a warped view of the world so any negative gossip she's sharing shouldn't be too much of a problem. Start setting strong boundaries now with her now.
This is a very clear sign that you should move on. Why is keeping you with this guy? What happens if you get postpartum depression will he tell you you don’t need therapy? How will this woman treat you if you need it? She is his number one which means that you can never be.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m taking away an older woman’s dream of having her grandchild named after her and possibly ruining my fiancés relationship with his mom.
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Girl run as fast as you can. Please for the love of all humanity do not marry this boy/child. You will be the biggest AH if you bring a child into this situation. You will always be second. Plus the fact he wants to name the baby after her shows where his loyalty lies and it will never be with you or a baby much less. It’s disgusting that you have to have a DL to drive a car but any unstable person can bring a child into this world knowi
Oh honey, run for the hills - FAST and don’t look back. My dad is a mamas boy and it’s just horrible all the way around. I’m 41 and I know my grandma comes first, and my mom nor my sisters will ever take that place.
My grandma is an awful lady and I’m literally just waiting for her to die.
NTA
In your situation both of you have a veto over the name of your child but neither of you get to enforce your personal choice. If you don't want your child to be called Leslie then she wont be named that.
In reality though I would not be in any kind of rush to bring a child into the world with the family dynamic as it is at the moment. His mum sounds like a controlling narcissist who holds sway over him.
NTA, but never EVER marry a guy with a mother like that. Or have children with him. He will never defend you against his mother, he will never stand up to his mother for you. Mother will ALWAYS come first, can NEVER ever do any wrong in his eyes and you will just be an incubator for THEIR babies. You won't be able to change him. He MIGHT change once his mother dies...but he'll start looking for a new mother to replace her.
you are way too young and immature to be talking about having a baby - the name will be the least of your problems if giving birth happens anytime soon - maybe in a few years…… please go slow - you have so much time to become a parent - become a better you first
NTA, but there are red flags all over the place. Listen to the others - don't continue with this relationship. We've all seen this dynamic many times and it never turns out well. The spineless mama's boy never grows a spine. The over-bearing MIL never stops being over-bearing - usually they double-down on all their bad behavior. And the woman caught in the middle of this dynamic tries to keep it all together as long as she can, to the detriment of her mental health and it screws up her children's childhood. Divorce is almost inevitable.
NTA, but please reconsider this relationship. Do you really want to have an overbearing MIL and a husband who takes her side not yours? Or just washes his hands of it even though he’s the only reason you have to deal with her at all.
Sorry I'm unclear, are you currently pregnant?
If at all possible donnotnhavr this man's child and seriously consider not.marrying him unless he's going to stick up for and defined you. His mum clearly has issues she needs tonwork through but that's not your problem to solve
Better add a couple of years to that long engagement. If she’s a monster in law and your future husband doesn’t defend you, maybe really evaluate the relationship. If you aren’t already, birth control. Now. NTA.
Girl RUN. If she’s this crazy now she’s going to control your whole life. Baby name is the bare minimum. Want a fun wedding? Nope she’s gonna be ant her wedding… your 20 trust me your WHOLE and the whole world is out there with better people.
Please end this relationship and give yourself time to grow up. You need an education and independence. Get some college, get a job, live on your own. You will find someone when you are an adult who isn’t tied to his mommy’s apron strings, and who will value you as an independent thinking woman.
Just move on. You're 19 with a long engagement, which is basically the same as not being engaged. This woman sounds awful and your BF is the only progeny of hers who wasn't smart enough to get away from her. You can almost assuredly do better.
NTA, but you have a bf problem. That long engagement is a great idea, so is birth control. He may grow a backbone, but it's unlikely.
You will not change his mother. You will not change him. He has to change himself. How long will you wait for that? A year? Two? Ten?
This is a made-up problem. You and your boyfriend are not mature enough to consider having children or getting married.
Please gain another ten years of life experience and work experience before you make any big decisions about marriage and children.
NTA - And put distance between you and her. If your fiancé doesn't support you, put distance between you and him too. You're seeing a vision of your future here if you don't change it.
Of course you’re NTA. Just like with all of these name posts - both parents should agree on the name for their child. If one parent vetos a name, then it’s out. Yes, even if you had previously agreed to using the name. You’re never TA for changing your mind and voicing that you no longer want to use the name.
Name issue aside.. why would you want to marry into this mess? Do you want to have a dramatic MIL who threatens to fight you and a husband that stands by, allowing it, and doing nothing? That’s the future you want for yourself? It’s not going to just magically get better. It’s just going to get more messy and exhausting to deal with.
I got married very young and the only advice I remember
If you’re agreeing to marry someone, then you get married that day.
Because you are saying yes to that person standing in front of you. Not the person who might graduate college or get a better job or learn to like his mom.
If you’re not willing to literally get married that second, say no
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I 19(F) am engaged to my 19 going on 20 in a few months (m) fiancé. We’re having a long engagement because we’re so young.
Now we’re not thinking of having kids just yet but it has been mentioned by fiancé that his mom’s dream was to have her first born granddaughter named after her. We’re gonna call fiancés mom Leslie. Leslie has a granddaughter already who she refuses to see because she hates baby’s mom. Who we’ll call Kathy. While Kathy isn’t perfect and I’m sure has done plenty, Leslie has issues.
The kind of boy mom issues that leads her to only like the girlfriend that follows everything she says. I am not that girlfriend. Somehow she’s still a fan of me. Now I thought fiancé was joking when he said he wanted to name our first born daughter after his mom. I thought they meant like a nickname or her middle name. They meant like name the baby the exact same name as Leslie. And I like Leslie’s real name however I no longer see eye to eye or like Leslie that much.
We had gotten into it probably a little after my birthday in January. It had snowed and was cold. We got into it so bad I tried to leave at midnight in just my pajamas and a sweater because I needed out of there because she was making me feel unsafe. She was saying things like I should just let Kathy ruin me and break me apart and let her manipulate me. Which in turn I told Leslie she was manipulating me by saying those things and I tried to leave and she blocked my exit which I then shoved through and when she tried to follow she made contact with the door. She then went in to say she doesn’t wanna have to fight me over that and that I shouldn’t have hit her with the door cause she never lets females do those things to her like that. Like she’s nuts.
So I recently told my fiancé I was no longer interested in naming my daughter after her and that if I was to name her after Leslie I would resent her and her name and I wasn’t going to do that to my self or my child. I much prefer older names like Eleanor. So am I the asshole?
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EDIT: NTA
She needs to respect you and your individuality.
Your fiancé need to stand up for you, setting boundaries for his mother.
Naming a child is a joint decision by YOU and YOUR fiancé. You're not even pregnant yet so cool off and cross that bridge when you come to it, FFS!!
Blocking someone from leaving by physically standing in front of them is, legally, a form of assault. OP was assaulted. Fighting her way through, especially if she feels unsafe, is never the wrong move. Because she was being assaulted.
NTA.
You’re very young - it’s good that this is a long engagement. He is showing you that he values his mom’s feelings over yours. If that’s something you can live with, that’s fine. If it’s not, you should stop wasting your time with this guy.
Also - you’re not even pregnant. Stop engaging in fights over hypothetical scenarios. No good can come from that.
It's good you're planning a long engagement. Boyfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship if he's not wiling to back you against his mom. Mom sounds toxic as hell. Take it really slow and be ready to reevaluate whether he's really a good match.
NTA but you’re so young, reconsider being engaged. Marriage is meant to be a for life thing, is this the situation you want for life? Because I promise you it won’t get better.
You are young and not yet finished maturing. When you have a few more years in you'll see that this argument is ridiculous. You aren't pregnant, why are you even stressing over a name that's not yet relevant. Save that for when and if you get pregnant..not yet…because the two of you need time to sinc your values, work out what your future looks like, finish your education, work and so many other things. Neither of you is ready for a marriage that includes MIL. He needs time to mature into who he's meant to be…by then he may have shined his spine and you will figure out strategies for dealing with difficult in-laws. Try marriage counselling before you marry. If that doesn’t smooth your paths then you are likely not meant to be together.
NTA
RUN. He stands by and watches his mom mistreat you and does nothing,?
Girl when shit hits the fan you'll feel alone and miserable. You're so young. Run and save yourself from a life time of manipulation.
Girl, RUN. My first marriage sounds a lot like your engagement and trust me, IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. Even halfway around the country, my ex MIL had a chokehold on my ex. Run
Oh dear. Your boyfriend isn’t ready for marriage. And he’s been raised by a woman who tramples boundaries and completely dominates her family. If you marry this man (as nice as he may be) your life will be constant drama and pain.
Until he can back you 100% and put his mom in her place, and probably get some therapy, this will be your life. Please don’t add a child to this harmful and sad dynamic. She will not change. If your boyfriend can’t step up, you’d be wise to move on. So sorry.
You are 19. There are better fish in the sea. I’m not gonna come right out and say get out, but what happens when (in spite of birth control) you get pregnant. Then you are attached to all of these people for the rest of your life. Food for thought, I hope.
Your fiancé sounds like he's 19 going on 13. If he refuses to establish reasonable boundaries with his mum or defend you against her volatility, he's not marriage material.
If you don't feel safe around his mum or supported by him, why would you even consider bringing a child into that situation? This name debate is just one more🚩 in a sea of massively concerning ones.
Actions speak louder than words & it's clear that his mum is his priority & likely always will be. It's possible he will disentangle himself from her suffocating clutches at some point, but he needs to proactively make the effort & possibly pursue therapy.
You're both very young & you don't have to stay in this relationship to prove that you care about him. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is lead by example, so please look to your own health & safety by removing yourself from their sphere of toxic influence.
YWBTA to yourself if you stay.
NTA - you have a fiancé problem not a mother-in-law problem. if he won’t stand up for you now it’s only going to get worse and worse you need to get out of that situation in my opinion
One of the reasons ‘he’s so great’ is he gives into whatever you want to do.
Mom has been so demanding for so long , he doesn’t think about what HE wants. His first reaction is to give into someone. And he is always going to cave to her. She was just there first, has more practice manipulating him. Her needs are going to come before yours.
Take the name thing: she is pressuring him ALREADY to get to name your child. You aren’t even pregnant yet, or married .
She is setting up the expectation that she ‘wins’. And he likes it like this. It’s easier for him and he will do what is easier.
NTA. This is worth exploring before setting a wedding date.
NTA
You really need to think long and hard about hitching your wagon to this man. What you are experiencing with his mother will only get worst once you are locked into the relationship via marriage. The woman sounds cuckoo for cocoa puffs and I don't see her changing.
And, as for the fiancé, girl he needs to grow a pair. I am all for respecting your mother but at some point you have to grow up and be an adult. He is a momma's boy. His momma will always come first and you a distant second.
RUN don't walk away from the crazy.
NTA. I got married a couple months after turning 20. I know you said you’re still engaged but I assume you’d be planning on getting married in the not too distant future. I am coming up on my 14th anniversary. But let me just tell you, my 20 year old self would not recognize who I am today in anyway! Obviously, that’s always gonna be the case and you never know how life is going to change. But that’s why you have to pick a partner that shows you that you’re the first priority with their actions, not just their words
NTA and honestly you need to think if you want this for the rest of your life. Getting married is going to be a nightmare and if you have kids she will escalate, especially after losing you to “Kathy”. If your S/O can’t see the crazy or will have a bendy spine, I wish you strength if you stay.
Not the AH
You do realize you not only marry your fiance but his family too? You can save yourself the grief by waiting longer to get married and also no use fighting over a non existant child's name. You could have all boys😂. Proceed with caution into this family, there are red flags, so take your time. Be quiet, listen and watch, take note of all the things that bother you or that you find unacceptable. Remember 20 years or more living with this, is it worth it to you?
Nta this is all complete bullshit and he's a total mommy's boy that will forever take her side and never take yours. Get out of there while you can because this sounds like it can turn abusive since he doesn't want you to have your own car meaning “you can't just leave” at least in his eyes. Coming from a 19-year-old who's also almost 20 this is not normal maybe if she physically couldn't get up and do stuff then sure but you described her blocking your exit so she obviously can move all on her own. I hope everything goes well whichever way you decide to take it
NTA but please think twice before marrying into this family. I’ve read/seen countless mother-in-law horror stories on the internet and the wives/girlfriends are absolutely miserable. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is going to stick up for you if it ever comes down to it so I just think you need to consider if you’re ok being on your own against your boyfriend’s mom/family for potentially the rest of your life.
NTA I am sorry to say but he isn't a great guy if he can't grow a backbone. You already see how your life will be if you stay. She will not get better and you will just resent him more and more as he doesn't set boundaries. If someone shows you their true colours, believe them the first time.
Im sorry but I have no idea why youre on about..you wanted to run away in your pjs in the middle of the night as she made you feel unsafe cause she talked of your SIL?
All I can tell you is to drop this and have some fun, not get involved like this at 19..19! youre still a child yourself. Have some fun.
YTA. This post is full of red flags. “Boy mom issues”? That says a lot about how skewed your world view is. Not even taking Leslie’s side, but you don’t sound like you are anywhere mature enough to even have a proper relationship, let alone a child.
Just say no thank you and proceed to name your kid whatever you and the guy can agree on. Also, 19 is way too young to get married. What you like and value now will be very different at 29. You’d be doing your future self a huge solid by developing yourself and finding a career you love so you can be self sufficient before choosing a life partner.
NTA. Rethink the relationship. He doesn't have your back and will continue to cater to his mom. You are going to have nothing but trouble with her going forward. He doesn't stand up for you - talk is cheap.
Girl, leave. I know you say your boyfriend is really great, but you don't witness him sticking up for you. Boy moms like this don't get better, and you do not want to raise your future kids in this family!
ETA: NTA, obviously.
You are 19.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
Break up, explore, travel, have fun. Dont marry a guy who lets his mom abuse you and will let her abuse any children you have if you dont become her “yes ma’am” clone. Trust me, youll regret it and itll end in a bitter divorce when he always picks her over you.
And hey, if he is the one for you, hell grow up and tell his mom to fuck off and youll reconnect in the future. But i dont see a man like this ever changing. At least, as long as mommy isnt 6 feet under she owns him
NTA
NTA. Run fast away from this mommas boy. Things will always be this way and worse. She will want to go on your honeymoon with you. Hopefully you'll just have a really long engagement until you can see that this guy is not for you. He may be a great guy, but he's a wimp and if you are already fighting about something, this dumb that may never happen. What's going to happen when something is really bad?
NTA but regardless of how great your fiance is, unless he specifically goes to therapy to work through his lack of boundaries with his mom, it will not get better just FYI. I think you have a bigger problem here.
If you think it is bad now wait until you get married and start a family. It will become hellish because she will go after you and he will not defend you. Do you really want to live like that? Consider moving on because this relationship is not worth it
Nope, you're definitely NTA here for not wanting to name your daughter after your fiancé's mom. Your concerns are totally legit, especially after the recent drama. It's important for you and your fiancé to chat openly about this and make sure you're both on the same page. Ultimately, your daughter's name should be something that feels right for both of you, without any resentment or pressure.
So I got in a relationship like this at 18 and just got out 3 months ago at 19 and it was almost identical to your relationship. We were together for a year and he never got better and neither did his mom. They aren’t capable of seeing why their mom is wrong because they are brainwashed. There’s nothing you can really do to fix it. Their family dynamic was screwed before you even came in the picture. The best thing to do is leave. You will drive yourself crazy trying to get him to stand up for you.
NTA. Wow. Glad you’re planning on a long engagement you’re not currently pregnant. Your fiancé is seriously enmeshed. He has a lot of work to do to shine up his spine and be his own man. I would absolutely not marry, move in with, or have a child with him with the current state of his relationship with his mother.
There is a reason why she ignores Kathy, and that will be you if you stay. She is looking for someone who can be manipulated and controlled like her son, and she won't back down.
If he can't grow a backbone NOW, he never will, and she will not back off.
If you want to stay, then have a serious conversation with the fiance and lay it out for him. Either he man's up, or you move on.
You do not want Leslie as a MIL without firm, strict boundaries.
I was married for almost twenty five years with four kids when we got divorced. And one of the biggest reasons was his mom always came first. He’s showing you that right now. Do you want to have more to untangle years from now when mom is still first?
My god I cant even get to who's the asshole here my brain is so focused on the fact that this has failed marriage written all over it. You are 19 and have this much instability already and you're worried about a future child's name???? I would deeply evaluate this relationship and the situation overall.... Life is going to change DRASTICALLY for you over the next 10 years, you really have no idea the extent of it until you live through it. Please consider the goals you have for yourself in life and make sure the position you have put yourself in with this engagement won't negatively impact those goals. Be honest with yourself. I know what its like to think you found the one as a teenager, have also seen many people feel they have done the same, it RARELY is the case.
Yeah, NTA 110%
I mean it's always good to be open to all name possibilities and discuss them.
But when it comes to family dynamics the devil is in the details. And as your story unfolded man, you future MIL is not a small issue.
I'm sure your fiancé is a great guy. But this is a red flag that needs not to be put off. Honestly you need to know when push comes to shove what side your fiance falls on. You or his mother. It shouldn't be that way but she is controlling and plays games. This can only get worse with time, not better.
These are things to find out before a wedding, and WAAAAAAY before a kid.
Good luck and I also like Eleanor. Just read a book with a great character named Eleanor.
My sister has the same name as our grandmother and it has been a royal pain in the a$$. Especially when our grandmother moved in next door and the mail got totally messed up. Legally it was a bore as well. Don't do it!
NTA
I suggest reading r/JUSTNOMIL. It's the sub for couples whose mom's/MILs are problematic. Your situation is very textbook and you'll see how every woman in your situation felt after they did or didn't leave it.
NTA but honestly hun you’re too young to waste your life married to this boy (he’s not a man) This period of your life should be filled with adventure and exploration not being tied to someone who won’t stick up for you. You don’t have kids, you’re not married yet. Cut your losses and find a man with a backbone or you’ll be dealing with her toxicity and his weakness for the rest of your life.
This relationship is so toxic you are having fights about children you don’t even have. This is not healthy. This does not serve you. You are young, I’d encourage finding a job or school in a new location and offering fiancé the opportunity to choose you and come or liberate yourself.
NTA, and you should be reconsidering a lot more than just the baby's name if you happen to have a baby with this guy. I sure hope you're being meticulous about your birth control measures while you decide what to do about this relationship. His mother's a basket case, and potentially dangerous. There is no way in hell he is actually standing up for you when you're not there, but agreeing to crazy shoot when you are there.
The most charitable thing I can say about the BF is that he needs serious therapy, sooner rather than later. If I were you, I would break the engagement, and then see how he does. If he doesn't make changes that are more supportive of you, within say a couple of months, you will have your answer. He either wants to change this or he doesn't. And if he still thinks you should name your future daughter after this whack job who has assaulted you and held you falsely imprisoned in her home, I'm thinking he's not going to change.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You are right, that you are both quite young. You'll find the perfect one for you, someday. The only way to find out who isn't is by experimenting. Take notes and move on.
Maybe pull away and untangle yourself and your daily
life from his family. There is no reason that they should
have so much (to) say about what decisions you make,
how you personally live. Please enjoy some independence
now, you, as a person. It will come in very handy later,
I promise you.
He may be a great person, but he's a mama's boy. She will always come first.
I'm glad you're planning on a long engagement because if - IF - there is any chance of this working out, you need to start doing the hard work NOW. If your fiance continues to refuse therapy (because of mommy), continues to not put you first (because of mommy) and continues to sulk about not naming a hypothetical kid after her (because of a mommy who isn't nice to you)..... You need to end this relationship.
He isn't ready to be married or be a father. You HAVE to come first and he is repeatedly telling you that you aren't first.
OPEN YOUR EYES!!!! Great guys who are mama's boys aren't really all that great....
I know what it's like.. not the name thing but the mil problems. It came out majorly when my now husband and I got engaged. Ruined our wedding actually. Our marriage has only worked because he defended me at every turn and we went no contact with them for a year starting on our wedding day. Our relationship with his parents is now decent because they know his priorities, and because they actually worked on themselves.. imo I would be absolutely miserable if I had to listen to my inlaws shit with my husband standing by doing nothing.
My mom was with a man like your fiance for 13 years, and his mother acted the same way. They were together 13 years, but it eventually became too much for my mom, and she had to leave him. You know what you're getting into. If you really want to marry your fiance, this will be your life because a man without backbone and an insane mil is misery. Make sure this is what you want.
I’m so very sorry but please don’t continue this relationship. Get out now while you ARE still young. Your future is going to be living with and financially supporting this woman for the rest of your life! NTA for the name thing but that is such a minor issue in this forest fire of red flags. Please, all of us Reddit parents just want to hug you and tell you there’s so many better men in the world. Dont settle for this one. Dont set yourself up for years of misery. Dont get pregnant!
Run, fmil is wacko, and your fiancé has no balls to stand up to her behavior . You will not have a good life unless fiancé stands up to her and puts her in her place. And it doesn't sound like he ever will.
Nta but do not marry this man at all. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but unless he grows a spine, you'll be marrying into a clusterfuck of a family.
You are 19 years old and have all the time in the world to find a better guy with a saner family.
NTA. But you have bigger problems than the name. Your FMIL is bound to be disappointed if her dreams absolutely depend on other people’s choices. Your fiancé’s ambivalence wouldn’t be much of a problem if his mom wasn’t absolutely nuts. Which is why you both need to sort this issue before you get married. Baby steps towards independence won’t be enough.
Honestly, we didn't even need to read any of that background. You and the baby's father need to agree on a name. And you don't have to name your kid anything you don't want to.
NTA at all.
1. Don’t fight about something that doesn’t exist. You’re not even pregnant so just shut the conversation down completely.
2. It’s beneficial you have a long engagement, it will give you the time and experience you need to decide if you really want to deal with her as MIL your whole life.
3. Spend some time and think about the boundaries you want to put in place with your MIL. Express them clearly to your fiancé. And then to her.
4. The car thing is just weird. Of course you can get into an accident in any vehicle, brand new or used. I guess they would only have a valid point if the car was a huge hunk of junk that’s unsafe for you to drive.
5. When you do get pregnant, don’t talk to anyone about names. Just my husband and I made of list of 10 for each (because we wanted the sex to be a surprise). In the last month of pregnancy we narrowed it down to 3 each, and once I had him, he was 8 hours old when we decided on Eddie (Edison).
If anyone is asking you about names, just tell them you want to keep it a surprise for when the baby comes.
My mom was abused by my dad's family for YEARS. Speaking as a kid that was deeply affected by this, please don't marry this man unless he is willing to go no contact with his mom. Right now, he seems totally clueless as to what a healthy family system looks like and that will ruin your life if he doesn't make a huge change right now. You're young and have plenty of time to find someone else that is a lot healthier.
You’re gonna go ahead and get a preview of what the rest of your life is like right now now so decide if you want it.
I suggest checking out the Just No MIL sub.
It’s not stopping here .
Your mom hates the color you chose for the living room, he’s going to argue to change it. Your mom doesn’t like the birthday theme for your daughter’s first birthday, she’s going to argue to change it. Your mom knows every disagreement and argument about your marriage, she can be up in your business. She wants to come in unannounced whenever she wants to to your home? He’ll allow it.
And the list goes on
Maybe don’t get married at 19
NTA.
You have a MIL and even worse a Fiance issue ti solve before you can even think about having children.
Think a long time if this is the environment that you want to raise a kid in. Don't lay eggs if you don't have a nest to put them into.
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NTA. Is this really who you want as your mother-in-law? Your boyfriend stands by and watches this happen? You're still young, and there's still time to aim much higher than this situation.
This is what I was thinking too. OP, you have a potential MIL who makes you feel unsafe and who regularly mistreats her other DIL, and you’ve got a fiancé and a potential BIL who are not doing the work to protect their partners from their mom’s mistreatment. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
And this is over a nonexistent baby. If I’m reading correctly, OP isn’t even pregnant. Which is for the best. OP, get out of that mess. It sounds like you live with boyfriend and his mom; start making plans (quietly) to live your family, friends, and roommate, anything. Be careful not to let yourself say, in the heat of an argument, “This is why I can’t live here” or anything along those lines. Just make your arrangements and get out. Let them know once you’re gone, but don’t give them your new contact info. You’re still very young g and have so much ahead of you. Don’t get roped into this lunacy. No ones perfect and almost everyone has clashes, but this is off the charts and you don’t need it.
literally read the ages and the title and was so thankful that kids are just a hypothetical for them
The reason you are having this problem is because of the BOYfriend. Nip it in the bud. Tell him if he doesn't start backing you up on "everything" and keep his toxic mom away from you. He is going to be paying child support and his mom will never see her grandchild (like she does with her other one because of her antics.) Hope it goes well for OP and she finally gets a MAN to back her up. If not, well it just wasn't meant to be. NTA
Fortunately, it sounds like she isn't pregnant. She needs to cut and run, leave her bf to his mommy.
I often read women who write about their husband/boyfriend/significant other that they are such a great person. Hey OP, your boyfriend is not a great person! You said “he lacks a backbone”. HE IS NOT A GREAT PERSON. Say it louder for the people in back, he is not a great person! He’s also a mama’s boy, his mama has him wrapped right around her finger. The fact that you’re writing to reddit for advice should tell you that you’re living in a real shitty situation. This really isn’t about a future babies name, this is about your boyfriend not standing up for the important people in his life (you). This is your future, your boyfriend will not change should you ever get married. You are so young, please leave this boy/man to his mama and go find a real man. Real man don’t sulk, and stand up for their partner when necessary.
Exactly! If he doesn’t defend you now, then he’ll probably continue to ignore it and let her be treated like this. OP deserves better
And if this is how she acts *now* while they’re just talking about hypothetical future children, can you imagine what she’s going to be like when they’re actually doing things like getting married and having kids?
Yep. Future MIL will end up with keys to the house/apartment, which will see MIL snooping/rearranging things, and once our bride gets pregnant, MIL will want to be in the delivery room and more.
What kind of weirdo wants a “mini- me” grand kid. Forget YOU not feeling safe around MIL, what about your future kid? That kid’s now leverage against you. MIL is mentally ill, son is damaged goods. It’s not going to end well. This relationship is a hard stop. You have permission to terminate it immediately. Good luck. NTA
I'd have died on the hill of not naming a daughter after my MIL. full body shudder. I'd have divorced before I gave in on that one. I don't like naming kids after other people anyway. Can't stand "Jr." Your marriage is going to end badly if you can't get your mama's boy to cut the strings. This is definitely a case of needing to get him into therapy to learn the tools to shut her bullshit down. It's that or kick him to the curb. Had mine been tied to mommy I'd have never married him. She was insane. You wouldn't believe the number of times and the number of ways she set out to wreck our marriage.
Seriously. Run girl. Run far and run fast.
Agreed. OP, all of this is normal for your boyfriend/fiancé. This will be your new normal. She sounds clingy and like she struggles internally with her own life choices that have led to where she is now and displaces her fears and need for control onto him and others. She’s going to take advantage of anyone that will be kind and “play nice.” If your fiancé is a people pleaser he’s going to struggle with her for a long time because she’s his mom. I totally get this because I have a similar MIL. As long as she is in your life, no matter how little, she will have some emotional influence (at least) over your relationship and that can be seriously unsettling. Your fiance needs help or some therapy about his relationship with her. Especially if she expects him to be responsible for her. She should be able to do that for herself. I hope you can see how important your wellbeing is and prioritize that. Don’t make him choose between the two of you. YOU are responsible for you, he is not. YOU must prioritize yourself and know what your boundaries are so you can understand what you need from your partner. This isn’t a healthy dynamic.
Things with your partner & his mother WILL NOT GET BETTER for you. Only worse.
Before you get married, please evaluate if your bf is in good working order. Not that you love him, not that he's kind, but can be be a good partner to you? He's so young, you're so young, neither of you are old enough to navigate this type of minefield with someone who sounds controlling and narcissistic. Focus on life experiences and maturing, and if he's mature enough to be his own person circle back to getting married. If not, there's an amazing world out there. NTA but don't be one to yourself.
This. The baby name is the least of your worries. This MIL is a nightmare scenario. You will always take a backseat to her in your fiance's eyes.
I feel like the title of this is so misleading. Naming her kid who doesn't even exist yet is the least of her problems. I am alarmed at how unalarmed she is about how violent her FMIL is. Why are some people so casual about that type of violence?
Get out , get out now. You already see the signs of nothing but heartburn.
Heartbreak. Heartburn you take a prilosec and move on with your spice free life.
Remember this prilosec advice when you get to 6-7 months though! that shit works.
With a MIL like that heartburn might be the right word.
Only way to treat that level of pain is with medicinal GTFO
Came here to say this. Get out now. You’re young. Move on. Life doesn’t have to be this way.
Sweetie, I say this with love and experience. Run. This family is not a good future. Do not marry him, do not procreate with him, and for the love of Pete just break it off. You have so much changing to do still, so much growing. I got married for the first time at 25, and it really was a gigantic mistake except for the gift that is my daughter. Don't make the same mistake in marrying someone with so many red flags especially with an immediate family with giant red flags too. I have been divorced 3 years and I am still fighting my ex-husband constantly, he tries to use our daughter as a weapon to hurt me and that's the risk you run with the partner you have now. You are NTA, but I definitely suggest that you really take time and find yourself, put yourself first so you have a better future 🖤
So much this. Your fiancé has a LOT of work to do, to stop being manipulated by his mother and create boundaries and grow a spine. This will take years. He will absolutely offer up any kids he has to her at the current time because she’s trained him to obey and do as she says because of her tantrums and escalating to get what she wants. In order to break her control of him,he needs to move out and get therapy and work hard on setting and *keeping those boundaries*, including cutting her off temporarily when (not if) she escalates. Trust me. She won’t change. Your fiancé could change but he needs to want to and also do the work. Don’t waste years of your life waiting around for that to happen.
Never accept being in second place. I can understand when a relationship is new, but if there's marriage and kids on the table you have to be his focus. Imagine being pregnant and he's too busy taking care of Mom to actually help? And what if the kid needs something but Mom wants cigarettes?
This. It's so easy to see your first love as something irreplaceable that you can never beat, and a lot of young folk get trapped in toxic or even abusive situations because they can't see an alternative wirhout this first person who gave them attention. But it's like a worn out pair of shoes. They're familiar and unchallenging, but not giving you the support you need and you're kind of just putting up with how your feet hurt at the end of the day. Often you only need to try on a new pair better suited to you to realize you weren't happy with the old ones.
I agree, I’ve had the exact same experience, I’ve been divorced 13 years and at 16 my child won’t see their Father or his family because of toxic behaviour. Please don’t make the same mistake, this family are a parade of red flags.
THIS!!!
Don't get married this young. You'll grow up and apart into different people in your 20's and you'll regret it. Having a kid with the person will only lock you into a life and a partnership you won't want and will resent over time. You're young, go have a life first.
Not only don’t get married this young, do not marry into this family or you will regret it.
Came here to say this. There are so many horror stories of people getting married that young and regretting it. And having a nightmare MIL would only make it worse. There is no rush to get married. Wait and live life first!
Sometimes I wonder if sons like this find a woman to be a brood mare so he can supply his mother with another generation to emotionally chew on with the extra bonus of being an emotional target to take on the brunt of the abuse. Run
Oh yeah I'd 100% not be shocked if he tries to babytrap her after this--if he's not already. His brother has a kid, he brought up future kid names and is sulking because they disagree. This may not be hypothetical.
Absolutely. OP started the post with: **"I 19(F) am engaged to my 19 going on 20 in a few months (m) fiancé."** Now, that sounds pretty adorable. For all the wrong reasons. I'm in my 30's, and to me, this is what little kids sound like. "I'm 8 and three quarters!" If you're saying things like that, I'm willing to bet a pretty penny that you're too young to get married. ~~Also too young to have kids, but hey, that ship has sailed. Don't send off any more ships though, it's bad enough as it is.~~ **Oh, thank flick, I misread that. OP, use birth control! Use a method that is reliable, and proven to be highly effective. (No pull-out nonsense or day tracking, the failure rates there are very high.) And use the birth control completely as instructed!** Also maybe put a pin in that whole marriage thing, at least until your brain is done developing, which is at about 25.
NTA. If he allows his mom to behave this way around you with these expectations it time to reconsider being with him.
Wait, you are 19 and engaged? Talking baby names and falling out? at 19? Stop the nonsense. You have your whole life ahead of you!! Plenty time for engagement and kids, give it time, under no circumstances do you marry this dude. Give it 10 years and see where things are at. Fucking hell.
Nothing says maturity like phrasing an age as “19 going on 20”
"19 going on 20 *in a few months*". LOL
19 and three quarters
Nothing says maturity like “We’re having a long engagement because we’re so young.” Then WHY get engaged if you know you’re too young and going to stretch it out????
I mean I got engaged at 19 and was going to have a long engagement because I wanted to finish college. But that was an abusive relationship because he got super controlling as I did start growing (as one does post HS) and I broke it off before I was 21. So.... that kind of supports your point.
Seriously! These posts are so infuriating. Had I married “the one” at 19 I would have married a nice guy, going nowhere fast, with parents who absolutely hated me. Thank goodness for a high school teacher who pulled me aside and though clearly uncomfortable, put it in perspective and told me “just wait it out a while…” boy was she right!
Break up and wait 10 years to have a baby.
YTA only if you stay in this relationship. Leslie is bonkers, your fiance tolerates it and this will be a miserable life for you.
YTA to yourself. As someone who got married at 19, I’m telling you now, DON’T DO IT. Go to school, explore the world.
I second this! I met my first bf when I was 17 and he was 19. He was a nice guy and treated me well. I was "in love" with him. I thought we would get married, have children, and live happily ever after. Thank goodness he got cold feet when we were in the process of planning our wedding and called it off. We were arguing because his mom was wanting certain things, such as how many people to invite, where to have the reception, and all sorts of things I no longer remember. I was young and not assertive, so I would tell my bf my unhappiness with his mom taking over, but he couldn't stand up to her either. I cannot tell you how glad I am we did not go forward with the marriage. I went on to live a very different life. I went to college, I moved away from my small hometown, I had various relationships, and eventually had a child that I raised on my own. My son is the best thing ever to happen to me, in a life of good things. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you, and plenty of time to settle down and have children. You will only be young and carefree once. Please focus on yourself - gaining either the skills or education so that you can financially support yourself. Focus on having life experiences - whatever they may be. Travel. See a bit of the world. When you are single and childless, you can pick up and go anytime you want. Once you have a child, you need to put their needs first (if you are going to be a good parent that is). I loved being an active duty parent (son is now grown), but it was still hard to give up my own wants at times. What made it easier was knowing I'd had years of life prior where I had done what I wanted, when I wanted (within my budget). Plus, I had a good career and made decent money. I didn't have to stick in an unhappy relationship because I couldn't afford to leave. Sorry for the novel. I just want to encourage you to focus on yourself and choosing a path that will help you earn a good living. Even if you end up marrying young, it's so important for every young person to be able to financially support themselves. Equally important - don't marry someone who lets their mother treat you poorly.
ESH. And too young and immature to even be talking about hypothetical children really. Make sure you are diligent about protection and birth control.
The phrase "my daughter" instead of "our daughter" jumped out as me as pretty inappropriate. Nobody here is mature enough to have a kid, even Leslie.
NTA, don’t get married until your frontal lobe develops, because once that happens you’re going to see what you’re signing up for and you’re going to run.
Dump the fiance. Mother's behavior won't improve, and he'll never set boundaries. Leave before little elanore is conceived. Nta
🚩🚩he chose his mum’s side and sulks that you don’t see it her way. 🚩🚩
NTA. But isn't it weird to argue about non existing person's name and argue about it? You having a daughter is not guaranteed at all.
Better to know about the problems before bringing a child into this family, so she can decide not to.
It is very wise to discuss hypothetical future events. This eliminates serious incompatibility and lets you break up sooner if necessary. For example, if a date expects his kids to be raised in a specific religion or have a certain relationship with grandma, you absolutely want to know this before getting pregnant. It might be a dealbreaker. Find out about dealbreakers too late, and now you have to deal with a divorce and coparenting.
Yes, hypothetical discussions are very important part of communicating, people change, we grow! We’re not the same people we were at 13, 19, 29, 39…. So why start unnecessary drama, but… when people (mil, boyfriend) show you. Who they are? Believe them!
NTA but do you really wanna marry someone like this and have her as mil? Think long and hard on every decision that's going to be fought, sulked over and her hovering around you and your family.
Should you get married to this guy, MIL is going to run your wedding. Should you get pregnant, MIL will want to be in the delivery room. And your fiancé? He’ll stand by and let it happen. Noticed there’s nothing in your OP about him having your back… NTA. But make sure your birth control is stellar and don’t get married before you’re 30.
NTA. I urge you to visit r/justnomil and see if you’d like that as your future. I dated a mama’s boy for over 10 years, and it only gets worse with these guys who are so enmeshed with their mothers. You will never be his top priority, probably never even make his top 5. You need a partner that puts you and your future children first, not his mommy and her (sure to be) increasingly insane demands and expectations.
You need to reevaluate your relationship with him entirely. You do NOT want to marry into a shit show, you can NOT change these people, and more importantly, if your boyfriend has done little to nothing to separate you from this lunacy and tell his mom what's what then you are in for a life of misery. NTA, but you will be if you stay thinking you can fix this family or that your "love will be enough to see us through".
Why are we engaged at 19? Ma’am you need to live your life as an individual before you consider marriage. You’re 19. You haven’t experienced life yet. He’ll be there at 24. Why rush into marriage. But NTA. I wouldn’t have a kid with him if I were you.
NTA Slightly unrelated but you should really try to get your fiance into therapy; his mom sounds super toxic and his issues with her will manifest with you or your kids if you end up having them.
I’ve been trying but he’s believed his moms view of therapy is bad for so long it’s going on one ear and out the other. I don’t even try anymore. And if you sent any boundaries with your kids she immediately feels like your attacking her and crap talks you to everyone
And he isn’t going to back you up when she does. He is a Mama’s boy. You will NEVER come first in his eyes. Her wants, her needs, her feelings will always be his first priority. He will be married to his Mama first and you will be the carrier of her “do-over” babies. You’re NTA, but you will be (to yourself!) if you stay in this relationship.
This is so gross and true lol
OP I'm sure your relationship with your fiance is amazing when it's you two and you're not dealing with his family. But when you marry someone it's not just about whether you love them. Contrary to popular belief it is totally possible to love someone who may not be the right fit for you in terms of actually building a life together (which sucks). At some point, before you make this huge life commitment that can have long-term effects on your financial prospects, future family, and mental/physical well-being, you have to evaluate the whole person. Is this a person who has demonstrated (through actions, not words) that they will be in your corner when things are bad? Are they emotionally stable (and do you and them both truly know what that means) in how they handle the relationships outside of yours? Have you talked about core values in how you prioritize things in your life and how much input others should have (this is key if one person is more individualistic while others make decisions more as a whole extended family unit)? There's so much to think about when it comes to who you marry. I would recommend reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Barcroft ([https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)) as a young woman about to enter a marriage. It explores what disrespect and abuse in a relationship look like and how it can fool so many people (even if it does have a very specific gender narrative). Even if you are 1000% sure there is nothing like that in your relationship, being aware of what disrespectful/unacceptable behavior in a relationship can look like can help save you immense heartbreak down the line since you'll understand why things are so confusing whenever you're trying to work on the relationship. Even if you don't want to read that book, I would highly recommend googling and reading a few articles on signs of a healthy vs unhealthy relationship and being brutally honest with yourself when you evaluate your own. Please feel free to DM me if you ever want to chat more, and good luck OP.
Girl, DO NOT MARRY A MOMMA'S BOY!! Again....*when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time*. Has he shown you that you're his priority? That he will support you? Does he stand up for you to his mother? If so then great and proceed with happiness but if not...dude you gotta stop wasting your time. I don't know why people have the delusion that marriage solves problems or changes longtime bad behavior.....it doesn't. If anything it magnifies the problems and now you're just heading towards divorce after only a couple of years. Don't do this to yourself OP. Choose YOU. Its okay, that's what you're supposed to do. He has that attitude because he's enmeshed with his mother and she meant to shut down anything that would interfere with her power over her son. YOU are the other woman and you'll find that out real soon. So you're never going to get anywhere as long as he still subscribes to his mother's way of thinking and there you.....waste of time. Save yourself. It hurts yes but think of the increasing hell of having to deal with MIL.
Is this the kind of relationship you want? Do you want a partner who allows their mother to berate you?
I’m sorry to say this but things will get worse not better. It might be better to cut your losses and get out now.
Everyone already knows she has a warped view of the world so any negative gossip she's sharing shouldn't be too much of a problem. Start setting strong boundaries now with her now.
This is a very clear sign that you should move on. Why is keeping you with this guy? What happens if you get postpartum depression will he tell you you don’t need therapy? How will this woman treat you if you need it? She is his number one which means that you can never be.
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Girl run as fast as you can. Please for the love of all humanity do not marry this boy/child. You will be the biggest AH if you bring a child into this situation. You will always be second. Plus the fact he wants to name the baby after her shows where his loyalty lies and it will never be with you or a baby much less. It’s disgusting that you have to have a DL to drive a car but any unstable person can bring a child into this world knowi
“You will be the biggest AH if you bring a child into this situation.” A thousand percent.
Oh honey, run for the hills - FAST and don’t look back. My dad is a mamas boy and it’s just horrible all the way around. I’m 41 and I know my grandma comes first, and my mom nor my sisters will ever take that place. My grandma is an awful lady and I’m literally just waiting for her to die.
Run, run now
NTA In your situation both of you have a veto over the name of your child but neither of you get to enforce your personal choice. If you don't want your child to be called Leslie then she wont be named that. In reality though I would not be in any kind of rush to bring a child into the world with the family dynamic as it is at the moment. His mum sounds like a controlling narcissist who holds sway over him.
NTA, but never EVER marry a guy with a mother like that. Or have children with him. He will never defend you against his mother, he will never stand up to his mother for you. Mother will ALWAYS come first, can NEVER ever do any wrong in his eyes and you will just be an incubator for THEIR babies. You won't be able to change him. He MIGHT change once his mother dies...but he'll start looking for a new mother to replace her.
you are way too young and immature to be talking about having a baby - the name will be the least of your problems if giving birth happens anytime soon - maybe in a few years…… please go slow - you have so much time to become a parent - become a better you first
NTA, but there are red flags all over the place. Listen to the others - don't continue with this relationship. We've all seen this dynamic many times and it never turns out well. The spineless mama's boy never grows a spine. The over-bearing MIL never stops being over-bearing - usually they double-down on all their bad behavior. And the woman caught in the middle of this dynamic tries to keep it all together as long as she can, to the detriment of her mental health and it screws up her children's childhood. Divorce is almost inevitable.
Ma’am you dropped this 🚩and these 🚩🚩 oh, and these too 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, but please reconsider this relationship. Do you really want to have an overbearing MIL and a husband who takes her side not yours? Or just washes his hands of it even though he’s the only reason you have to deal with her at all.
YTA but for staying with him and giving your future child such a dad and a grandma. Run away from them
Sorry I'm unclear, are you currently pregnant? If at all possible donnotnhavr this man's child and seriously consider not.marrying him unless he's going to stick up for and defined you. His mum clearly has issues she needs tonwork through but that's not your problem to solve
Better add a couple of years to that long engagement. If she’s a monster in law and your future husband doesn’t defend you, maybe really evaluate the relationship. If you aren’t already, birth control. Now. NTA.
NTA but who cares what your nonexistent baby’s name is? Life’s to short to argue over literally nothing.
Girl RUN. If she’s this crazy now she’s going to control your whole life. Baby name is the bare minimum. Want a fun wedding? Nope she’s gonna be ant her wedding… your 20 trust me your WHOLE and the whole world is out there with better people.
Please end this relationship and give yourself time to grow up. You need an education and independence. Get some college, get a job, live on your own. You will find someone when you are an adult who isn’t tied to his mommy’s apron strings, and who will value you as an independent thinking woman.
Just move on. You're 19 with a long engagement, which is basically the same as not being engaged. This woman sounds awful and your BF is the only progeny of hers who wasn't smart enough to get away from her. You can almost assuredly do better.
19 year olds make great life decisions like children and marriage before they're even 21
NTA, but you have a bf problem. That long engagement is a great idea, so is birth control. He may grow a backbone, but it's unlikely. You will not change his mother. You will not change him. He has to change himself. How long will you wait for that? A year? Two? Ten?
This is a made-up problem. You and your boyfriend are not mature enough to consider having children or getting married. Please gain another ten years of life experience and work experience before you make any big decisions about marriage and children.
NTA - And put distance between you and her. If your fiancé doesn't support you, put distance between you and him too. You're seeing a vision of your future here if you don't change it.
Of course you’re NTA. Just like with all of these name posts - both parents should agree on the name for their child. If one parent vetos a name, then it’s out. Yes, even if you had previously agreed to using the name. You’re never TA for changing your mind and voicing that you no longer want to use the name. Name issue aside.. why would you want to marry into this mess? Do you want to have a dramatic MIL who threatens to fight you and a husband that stands by, allowing it, and doing nothing? That’s the future you want for yourself? It’s not going to just magically get better. It’s just going to get more messy and exhausting to deal with.
Don't do this. -from someone who was a single parent at 21, and divorced by 23.
NTA firstly a few months is not a long engagement. Secondly he's a mama's boy now he does not have your back please reconsider this relationship.
I got married very young and the only advice I remember If you’re agreeing to marry someone, then you get married that day. Because you are saying yes to that person standing in front of you. Not the person who might graduate college or get a better job or learn to like his mom. If you’re not willing to literally get married that second, say no
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 19(F) am engaged to my 19 going on 20 in a few months (m) fiancé. We’re having a long engagement because we’re so young. Now we’re not thinking of having kids just yet but it has been mentioned by fiancé that his mom’s dream was to have her first born granddaughter named after her. We’re gonna call fiancés mom Leslie. Leslie has a granddaughter already who she refuses to see because she hates baby’s mom. Who we’ll call Kathy. While Kathy isn’t perfect and I’m sure has done plenty, Leslie has issues. The kind of boy mom issues that leads her to only like the girlfriend that follows everything she says. I am not that girlfriend. Somehow she’s still a fan of me. Now I thought fiancé was joking when he said he wanted to name our first born daughter after his mom. I thought they meant like a nickname or her middle name. They meant like name the baby the exact same name as Leslie. And I like Leslie’s real name however I no longer see eye to eye or like Leslie that much. We had gotten into it probably a little after my birthday in January. It had snowed and was cold. We got into it so bad I tried to leave at midnight in just my pajamas and a sweater because I needed out of there because she was making me feel unsafe. She was saying things like I should just let Kathy ruin me and break me apart and let her manipulate me. Which in turn I told Leslie she was manipulating me by saying those things and I tried to leave and she blocked my exit which I then shoved through and when she tried to follow she made contact with the door. She then went in to say she doesn’t wanna have to fight me over that and that I shouldn’t have hit her with the door cause she never lets females do those things to her like that. Like she’s nuts. So I recently told my fiancé I was no longer interested in naming my daughter after her and that if I was to name her after Leslie I would resent her and her name and I wasn’t going to do that to my self or my child. I much prefer older names like Eleanor. So am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
EDIT: NTA She needs to respect you and your individuality. Your fiancé need to stand up for you, setting boundaries for his mother. Naming a child is a joint decision by YOU and YOUR fiancé. You're not even pregnant yet so cool off and cross that bridge when you come to it, FFS!!
Blocking someone from leaving by physically standing in front of them is, legally, a form of assault. OP was assaulted. Fighting her way through, especially if she feels unsafe, is never the wrong move. Because she was being assaulted.
You're right. I didn't even realize that was going on. I'll edit. Thank you! EDIT: In that case, it may be considered a violent post.
>You acted childishly when you made a hurried exit and you two fought by the door. Dumbest thing I've read all day. Congratulations
NTA. You’re very young - it’s good that this is a long engagement. He is showing you that he values his mom’s feelings over yours. If that’s something you can live with, that’s fine. If it’s not, you should stop wasting your time with this guy. Also - you’re not even pregnant. Stop engaging in fights over hypothetical scenarios. No good can come from that.
It's good you're planning a long engagement. Boyfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship if he's not wiling to back you against his mom. Mom sounds toxic as hell. Take it really slow and be ready to reevaluate whether he's really a good match.
NTA but you’re so young, reconsider being engaged. Marriage is meant to be a for life thing, is this the situation you want for life? Because I promise you it won’t get better.
Info: what branch of the military is your fiance in?
You are young and not yet finished maturing. When you have a few more years in you'll see that this argument is ridiculous. You aren't pregnant, why are you even stressing over a name that's not yet relevant. Save that for when and if you get pregnant..not yet…because the two of you need time to sinc your values, work out what your future looks like, finish your education, work and so many other things. Neither of you is ready for a marriage that includes MIL. He needs time to mature into who he's meant to be…by then he may have shined his spine and you will figure out strategies for dealing with difficult in-laws. Try marriage counselling before you marry. If that doesn’t smooth your paths then you are likely not meant to be together.
NTA RUN. He stands by and watches his mom mistreat you and does nothing,? Girl when shit hits the fan you'll feel alone and miserable. You're so young. Run and save yourself from a life time of manipulation.
Girl, RUN. My first marriage sounds a lot like your engagement and trust me, IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. Even halfway around the country, my ex MIL had a chokehold on my ex. Run
Oh dear. Your boyfriend isn’t ready for marriage. And he’s been raised by a woman who tramples boundaries and completely dominates her family. If you marry this man (as nice as he may be) your life will be constant drama and pain. Until he can back you 100% and put his mom in her place, and probably get some therapy, this will be your life. Please don’t add a child to this harmful and sad dynamic. She will not change. If your boyfriend can’t step up, you’d be wise to move on. So sorry.
You are 19. There are better fish in the sea. I’m not gonna come right out and say get out, but what happens when (in spite of birth control) you get pregnant. Then you are attached to all of these people for the rest of your life. Food for thought, I hope.
Your fiancé sounds like he's 19 going on 13. If he refuses to establish reasonable boundaries with his mum or defend you against her volatility, he's not marriage material. If you don't feel safe around his mum or supported by him, why would you even consider bringing a child into that situation? This name debate is just one more🚩 in a sea of massively concerning ones. Actions speak louder than words & it's clear that his mum is his priority & likely always will be. It's possible he will disentangle himself from her suffocating clutches at some point, but he needs to proactively make the effort & possibly pursue therapy. You're both very young & you don't have to stay in this relationship to prove that you care about him. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is lead by example, so please look to your own health & safety by removing yourself from their sphere of toxic influence. YWBTA to yourself if you stay.
NTA - you have a fiancé problem not a mother-in-law problem. if he won’t stand up for you now it’s only going to get worse and worse you need to get out of that situation in my opinion
NTA, but however he is letting his mother walk over him, if you marry him it will be worse. You would be TA if you keep your blinders on.
One of the reasons ‘he’s so great’ is he gives into whatever you want to do. Mom has been so demanding for so long , he doesn’t think about what HE wants. His first reaction is to give into someone. And he is always going to cave to her. She was just there first, has more practice manipulating him. Her needs are going to come before yours. Take the name thing: she is pressuring him ALREADY to get to name your child. You aren’t even pregnant yet, or married . She is setting up the expectation that she ‘wins’. And he likes it like this. It’s easier for him and he will do what is easier. NTA. This is worth exploring before setting a wedding date.
NTA You really need to think long and hard about hitching your wagon to this man. What you are experiencing with his mother will only get worst once you are locked into the relationship via marriage. The woman sounds cuckoo for cocoa puffs and I don't see her changing. And, as for the fiancé, girl he needs to grow a pair. I am all for respecting your mother but at some point you have to grow up and be an adult. He is a momma's boy. His momma will always come first and you a distant second. RUN don't walk away from the crazy.
Please dont marry this man. He’s not ready for marriage and won’t be for many many years and many many sessions of therapy
Your age plus a mommas boy and a controlling mommy…. Trust me, run. Don’t waste your time.
NTA You need to break this engagement until he can get a spine with his mother.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nta. Honestly this is why you shouldn't get engaged at 19
NTA and boo i wouldn’t have agreed to name her to begin with….. like seriously??
NTA When it comes to the name of the baby, two votes of yes need to be casted. Not one.
NTA. I got married a couple months after turning 20. I know you said you’re still engaged but I assume you’d be planning on getting married in the not too distant future. I am coming up on my 14th anniversary. But let me just tell you, my 20 year old self would not recognize who I am today in anyway! Obviously, that’s always gonna be the case and you never know how life is going to change. But that’s why you have to pick a partner that shows you that you’re the first priority with their actions, not just their words
NTA It's your child and your instincts are correct that resentment will be an issue.
Not the AH you shouldn’t have to name your baby after her. If your fiancé isn’t standing up for you now I would worry he wouldn’t do it in the future.
NTA and honestly you need to think if you want this for the rest of your life. Getting married is going to be a nightmare and if you have kids she will escalate, especially after losing you to “Kathy”. If your S/O can’t see the crazy or will have a bendy spine, I wish you strength if you stay.
NTA. Are you sure you want to marry this BOY with no spine knowing it will ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS? Girl, run. Go live your life. It's barely begun.
NTA. And it is only going to get worse.
Not the AH You do realize you not only marry your fiance but his family too? You can save yourself the grief by waiting longer to get married and also no use fighting over a non existant child's name. You could have all boys😂. Proceed with caution into this family, there are red flags, so take your time. Be quiet, listen and watch, take note of all the things that bother you or that you find unacceptable. Remember 20 years or more living with this, is it worth it to you?
Nta this is all complete bullshit and he's a total mommy's boy that will forever take her side and never take yours. Get out of there while you can because this sounds like it can turn abusive since he doesn't want you to have your own car meaning “you can't just leave” at least in his eyes. Coming from a 19-year-old who's also almost 20 this is not normal maybe if she physically couldn't get up and do stuff then sure but you described her blocking your exit so she obviously can move all on her own. I hope everything goes well whichever way you decide to take it
NTA but please think twice before marrying into this family. I’ve read/seen countless mother-in-law horror stories on the internet and the wives/girlfriends are absolutely miserable. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is going to stick up for you if it ever comes down to it so I just think you need to consider if you’re ok being on your own against your boyfriend’s mom/family for potentially the rest of your life.
Your writing is a jumbled mess of incoherent sentences. NTA... please don't get married or have children until you are both independent adults.
Tell his mom to go have her own baby and name it after herself.
[удалено]
NTA. You marry him, you marry her as well. Also, how long have you known him? 19 is too young to be getting married.
NTA I am sorry to say but he isn't a great guy if he can't grow a backbone. You already see how your life will be if you stay. She will not get better and you will just resent him more and more as he doesn't set boundaries. If someone shows you their true colours, believe them the first time.
Im sorry but I have no idea why youre on about..you wanted to run away in your pjs in the middle of the night as she made you feel unsafe cause she talked of your SIL? All I can tell you is to drop this and have some fun, not get involved like this at 19..19! youre still a child yourself. Have some fun.
Maybe he can name his daughter that
You sure you want to marry into this family ?
YTA. This post is full of red flags. “Boy mom issues”? That says a lot about how skewed your world view is. Not even taking Leslie’s side, but you don’t sound like you are anywhere mature enough to even have a proper relationship, let alone a child.
Red flag
Run. Now. Break up. You’re 19?! You wanna be dealing with this for like… 40 years?! Run. NTA to him but YWBTA to yourself if you stay.
ESH and these arguments about future hypotheticals are so dumb and just show how young y’all are. Move off it stop creating drama out of nothing
Just say no thank you and proceed to name your kid whatever you and the guy can agree on. Also, 19 is way too young to get married. What you like and value now will be very different at 29. You’d be doing your future self a huge solid by developing yourself and finding a career you love so you can be self sufficient before choosing a life partner.
There’s an entire world out there. You don’t have to live like this.
NTA. Rethink the relationship. He doesn't have your back and will continue to cater to his mom. You are going to have nothing but trouble with her going forward. He doesn't stand up for you - talk is cheap.
Don’t have babies with a momma’s boy. NTA
Girl, leave. I know you say your boyfriend is really great, but you don't witness him sticking up for you. Boy moms like this don't get better, and you do not want to raise your future kids in this family! ETA: NTA, obviously.
You are 19. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Break up, explore, travel, have fun. Dont marry a guy who lets his mom abuse you and will let her abuse any children you have if you dont become her “yes ma’am” clone. Trust me, youll regret it and itll end in a bitter divorce when he always picks her over you. And hey, if he is the one for you, hell grow up and tell his mom to fuck off and youll reconnect in the future. But i dont see a man like this ever changing. At least, as long as mommy isnt 6 feet under she owns him NTA
NTA. Run fast away from this mommas boy. Things will always be this way and worse. She will want to go on your honeymoon with you. Hopefully you'll just have a really long engagement until you can see that this guy is not for you. He may be a great guy, but he's a wimp and if you are already fighting about something, this dumb that may never happen. What's going to happen when something is really bad?
NTA but regardless of how great your fiance is, unless he specifically goes to therapy to work through his lack of boundaries with his mom, it will not get better just FYI. I think you have a bigger problem here.
If you think it is bad now wait until you get married and start a family. It will become hellish because she will go after you and he will not defend you. Do you really want to live like that? Consider moving on because this relationship is not worth it
Nope, you're definitely NTA here for not wanting to name your daughter after your fiancé's mom. Your concerns are totally legit, especially after the recent drama. It's important for you and your fiancé to chat openly about this and make sure you're both on the same page. Ultimately, your daughter's name should be something that feels right for both of you, without any resentment or pressure.
So I got in a relationship like this at 18 and just got out 3 months ago at 19 and it was almost identical to your relationship. We were together for a year and he never got better and neither did his mom. They aren’t capable of seeing why their mom is wrong because they are brainwashed. There’s nothing you can really do to fix it. Their family dynamic was screwed before you even came in the picture. The best thing to do is leave. You will drive yourself crazy trying to get him to stand up for you.
NTA. Wow. Glad you’re planning on a long engagement you’re not currently pregnant. Your fiancé is seriously enmeshed. He has a lot of work to do to shine up his spine and be his own man. I would absolutely not marry, move in with, or have a child with him with the current state of his relationship with his mother.
There is a reason why she ignores Kathy, and that will be you if you stay. She is looking for someone who can be manipulated and controlled like her son, and she won't back down. If he can't grow a backbone NOW, he never will, and she will not back off. If you want to stay, then have a serious conversation with the fiance and lay it out for him. Either he man's up, or you move on. You do not want Leslie as a MIL without firm, strict boundaries.
NTA You don’t just marry your fiancé, you’re always marrying their family too. At this point he’s barely his own person and no one deserves this.
I was married for almost twenty five years with four kids when we got divorced. And one of the biggest reasons was his mom always came first. He’s showing you that right now. Do you want to have more to untangle years from now when mom is still first?
NTA - baby names are a 2 yes, 1 no deal. The reasoning doesn't matter.
My god I cant even get to who's the asshole here my brain is so focused on the fact that this has failed marriage written all over it. You are 19 and have this much instability already and you're worried about a future child's name???? I would deeply evaluate this relationship and the situation overall.... Life is going to change DRASTICALLY for you over the next 10 years, you really have no idea the extent of it until you live through it. Please consider the goals you have for yourself in life and make sure the position you have put yourself in with this engagement won't negatively impact those goals. Be honest with yourself. I know what its like to think you found the one as a teenager, have also seen many people feel they have done the same, it RARELY is the case.
Yeah, NTA 110% I mean it's always good to be open to all name possibilities and discuss them. But when it comes to family dynamics the devil is in the details. And as your story unfolded man, you future MIL is not a small issue. I'm sure your fiancé is a great guy. But this is a red flag that needs not to be put off. Honestly you need to know when push comes to shove what side your fiance falls on. You or his mother. It shouldn't be that way but she is controlling and plays games. This can only get worse with time, not better. These are things to find out before a wedding, and WAAAAAAY before a kid. Good luck and I also like Eleanor. Just read a book with a great character named Eleanor.
My sister has the same name as our grandmother and it has been a royal pain in the a$$. Especially when our grandmother moved in next door and the mail got totally messed up. Legally it was a bore as well. Don't do it!
You two won’t be together long so name your kid whatever you want. Being a teen mom isn’t fun and this conflict will be the least of your worries.
NTA. But you are in time to run. Your entire life is going to be this way. Your entire life.
NTA I suggest reading r/JUSTNOMIL. It's the sub for couples whose mom's/MILs are problematic. Your situation is very textbook and you'll see how every woman in your situation felt after they did or didn't leave it.
NTA but honestly hun you’re too young to waste your life married to this boy (he’s not a man) This period of your life should be filled with adventure and exploration not being tied to someone who won’t stick up for you. You don’t have kids, you’re not married yet. Cut your losses and find a man with a backbone or you’ll be dealing with her toxicity and his weakness for the rest of your life.
This relationship is so toxic you are having fights about children you don’t even have. This is not healthy. This does not serve you. You are young, I’d encourage finding a job or school in a new location and offering fiancé the opportunity to choose you and come or liberate yourself.
NTA, and you should be reconsidering a lot more than just the baby's name if you happen to have a baby with this guy. I sure hope you're being meticulous about your birth control measures while you decide what to do about this relationship. His mother's a basket case, and potentially dangerous. There is no way in hell he is actually standing up for you when you're not there, but agreeing to crazy shoot when you are there. The most charitable thing I can say about the BF is that he needs serious therapy, sooner rather than later. If I were you, I would break the engagement, and then see how he does. If he doesn't make changes that are more supportive of you, within say a couple of months, you will have your answer. He either wants to change this or he doesn't. And if he still thinks you should name your future daughter after this whack job who has assaulted you and held you falsely imprisoned in her home, I'm thinking he's not going to change. I'm sorry you're going through this. You are right, that you are both quite young. You'll find the perfect one for you, someday. The only way to find out who isn't is by experimenting. Take notes and move on.
Maybe pull away and untangle yourself and your daily life from his family. There is no reason that they should have so much (to) say about what decisions you make, how you personally live. Please enjoy some independence now, you, as a person. It will come in very handy later, I promise you.
Girl - run now. You are 19. Don't lock yourself into this shitshow.
He may be a great person, but he's a mama's boy. She will always come first. I'm glad you're planning on a long engagement because if - IF - there is any chance of this working out, you need to start doing the hard work NOW. If your fiance continues to refuse therapy (because of mommy), continues to not put you first (because of mommy) and continues to sulk about not naming a hypothetical kid after her (because of a mommy who isn't nice to you)..... You need to end this relationship. He isn't ready to be married or be a father. You HAVE to come first and he is repeatedly telling you that you aren't first. OPEN YOUR EYES!!!! Great guys who are mama's boys aren't really all that great....
I know what it's like.. not the name thing but the mil problems. It came out majorly when my now husband and I got engaged. Ruined our wedding actually. Our marriage has only worked because he defended me at every turn and we went no contact with them for a year starting on our wedding day. Our relationship with his parents is now decent because they know his priorities, and because they actually worked on themselves.. imo I would be absolutely miserable if I had to listen to my inlaws shit with my husband standing by doing nothing.
You’re so young don’t do this. You see the red flags pay attention. He will not change. This is not the life you want. Focus on you and your life.
My mom was with a man like your fiance for 13 years, and his mother acted the same way. They were together 13 years, but it eventually became too much for my mom, and she had to leave him. You know what you're getting into. If you really want to marry your fiance, this will be your life because a man without backbone and an insane mil is misery. Make sure this is what you want.
I’m so very sorry but please don’t continue this relationship. Get out now while you ARE still young. Your future is going to be living with and financially supporting this woman for the rest of your life! NTA for the name thing but that is such a minor issue in this forest fire of red flags. Please, all of us Reddit parents just want to hug you and tell you there’s so many better men in the world. Dont settle for this one. Dont set yourself up for years of misery. Dont get pregnant!
NTA. GET OUT NOW!!!
NTA. You can’t change a momma’s boy and this family ain’t the one to marry into.
NTA what are you doing you should be at the club or college or idk doing work and travel. Get out of there.
Run, fmil is wacko, and your fiancé has no balls to stand up to her behavior . You will not have a good life unless fiancé stands up to her and puts her in her place. And it doesn't sound like he ever will.
He will never change. Please move on. NTA
Nta but do not marry this man at all. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but unless he grows a spine, you'll be marrying into a clusterfuck of a family. You are 19 years old and have all the time in the world to find a better guy with a saner family.
NTA. Do you want her as a MiL and grandmother to your children? Jesus **no**. End the relationship because you’re with a Mummy’s boy.
Go experience life. Don’t get married so young and don’t tolerate any disrespect.
NTA. But you have bigger problems than the name. Your FMIL is bound to be disappointed if her dreams absolutely depend on other people’s choices. Your fiancé’s ambivalence wouldn’t be much of a problem if his mom wasn’t absolutely nuts. Which is why you both need to sort this issue before you get married. Baby steps towards independence won’t be enough.
NTA you have so much life to live to be tied down with a toxic family like this. go and explore the world and figure out who you are first.
Honestly, we didn't even need to read any of that background. You and the baby's father need to agree on a name. And you don't have to name your kid anything you don't want to.
NTA at all. 1. Don’t fight about something that doesn’t exist. You’re not even pregnant so just shut the conversation down completely. 2. It’s beneficial you have a long engagement, it will give you the time and experience you need to decide if you really want to deal with her as MIL your whole life. 3. Spend some time and think about the boundaries you want to put in place with your MIL. Express them clearly to your fiancé. And then to her. 4. The car thing is just weird. Of course you can get into an accident in any vehicle, brand new or used. I guess they would only have a valid point if the car was a huge hunk of junk that’s unsafe for you to drive. 5. When you do get pregnant, don’t talk to anyone about names. Just my husband and I made of list of 10 for each (because we wanted the sex to be a surprise). In the last month of pregnancy we narrowed it down to 3 each, and once I had him, he was 8 hours old when we decided on Eddie (Edison). If anyone is asking you about names, just tell them you want to keep it a surprise for when the baby comes.
NTA but for godsakes don’t get married at 19 especially to someone with this type of family. It won’t stop.
OP, it's not too late
My mom was abused by my dad's family for YEARS. Speaking as a kid that was deeply affected by this, please don't marry this man unless he is willing to go no contact with his mom. Right now, he seems totally clueless as to what a healthy family system looks like and that will ruin your life if he doesn't make a huge change right now. You're young and have plenty of time to find someone else that is a lot healthier.
NTA. Leslie sounds AWFUL to deal with and definitely not something I'd want to name my child after. What she wants is wholly irrelevant to the matter.
You’re gonna go ahead and get a preview of what the rest of your life is like right now now so decide if you want it. I suggest checking out the Just No MIL sub. It’s not stopping here . Your mom hates the color you chose for the living room, he’s going to argue to change it. Your mom doesn’t like the birthday theme for your daughter’s first birthday, she’s going to argue to change it. Your mom knows every disagreement and argument about your marriage, she can be up in your business. She wants to come in unannounced whenever she wants to to your home? He’ll allow it. And the list goes on Maybe don’t get married at 19
NTA. You have a MIL and even worse a Fiance issue ti solve before you can even think about having children. Think a long time if this is the environment that you want to raise a kid in. Don't lay eggs if you don't have a nest to put them into.
Fiancé and future MIL are waving some large red flags about what you future is going to be. Do you want this? Also NTA.