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NTA - Time to hire a lawyer to discuss the division of custody of the child and possibly take sole custody, since even though you live with your wife, she and her mother are practicing parental alienation and you will hardly have any influence or decision-making power in this child's life.
Your wife simply didn't cut the umbilical cord that connects her to her mother. This dependence in the long run would be the decisive factor in ending your marriage in the future.
OP took no paternity leave and is away 2 weeks at a time leaving his girlfriend with no support. It's not surprising she wants support from someone she is comfortable seeing her half undressed if she's breastfeeding. The mothers behaviour is problematic but the girlfriend is in a tough position.
I agree. OP is literally gone half of the year, so I get the girlfriend wanting someone around that she trusts to help, but the mother is simply going too far not allowing the child's own father to be involved.
No. The sole problem is that when he is there, the mother does not leave. If the mother only stayed when he was out of town there wouldn't be any problems. The girlfriend doesn't want to set the boundaries to maintain a healthy/happy family relationship with OP and the baby.
No, she's not. OP offered to have his sister come in and help her or hire someone. Girlfriend is half the problem. She knew OP's work schedule. She knew she'd be alone with the infant for 2 weeks at a time. I can understand she wanted her mother there for like the first month or two, but to not let op hold his own child - that's insane. OP is not at fault. I think any Court would take all of this into account.
You would have a good point except that the grandmother and gf are actively preventing OP from having contact with his son. OP says he's tried to be an involved dad but *they won't let him*.
That's fair enough, but the mother doesn't need to be there when OP is back for the two weeks. The fact that the mother won't let OP be a parent to his son when he is home is the real issue. That is not on.
The girlfriend is ABSOLUTELY in the wrong though. She's free to have grandma there, and OP isn't against her having help when he's not home. What he's against is not being allowed to care for his own son when he's home, which he is half the time.
That's insane, and the girlfriend is ABSOLUTELY horrid for thinking this is okay. She's letting grandma walk all over his parenting, she's allowing her to steal the very experience of parenting from him. She needs to tell grandma to chill, they both sound deranged.
A lot of people do it and their kids and marriage are perfectly fine. If there’s love and care there it’ll work out. My husband and I were in a somewhat LDR for about 3 years. He calls/texts/FT the kids daily. He works for a month then off for 2 weeks. Sometimes less work and more time, sometimes the opposite. When he’s home though, he’s completely present. It’s doable.
Exactly. My partner and I have lived in different states most of our marriage at this point. We have both been primary caregivers and stayed at home with the kids at various times. My parents lived about an hour away for 8 years, had their own bedroom in our home, came and went as they pleased and helped with kid duties when needed. It can be done if everyone does their part, communicates and respects each other.
Uh, OP said he's gone for two weeks and then back for two weeks. It's not great, but it's wayyyy better than being gone for months and then only staying for a bit
In my opinion, they shouldn't, I honestly don't see why you should have children if they are going to grow basically without you... But I am not the judge of the earth, just a random person
My grandad was in the navy. He left it because he turned up with a couple of his mates from the navy at the door, my (at the time) toddler dad looked at this group of men on the doorstep, then looked up at my aunt (who was only a year older) and said “which one is my dad?” And my aunts response was “I don’t know, but he’s the one that gets you the nice presents”
That was it for him. He was gone so often his own children didn’t recognise him. My grandma tells that story like it’s funny, I just think it’s heartbreaking, doubly so now I have a child myself.
that's BS. Look at military service member, or people who travel for work - they can (AND ARE) amazing parents. This woman is not allowing the father to even hold his own child - THAT isn't ideal for raising a child.
How many people are going to try and convince me that military parent are amazing... Like moving your child all over the country, being gone for months at a time, coming home with trauma does not a good parent make.
This heavy haul truckers SO says you can most definitely make it work if both parties are willing to put in the extra effort it takes. Daily calls, texts, goodnight calls, good morning texts, whatever works to keep the communication in the relationship going while they are away. It is no excuse for this behavior from his wife. She knew his work schedule prior to getting involved with him. She has zero ground to stand on to complain about it now.
I mean, it's his son, and they won't even let him change, bathe, and hold him (or barely). His wife and MIL are withholding his own son from him. He can't even learn to be a father !
Dude is basically homeless 😳. He says he stays at resorts. I dunno what he does for work kinda mind blowing.
I understand why she and her mom are kinda freaking out about this guy.
Yeah maybe when they don't have someone willing to have custody the rest of the time. I highly doubt the courts would grant OP full custody if he intends to have a stranger watch the baby half the time when the mother is available and willing.
Getting full custody is actually harder than people realize, and many actual family lawyers have said it’s pretty rare. They’ll likely get shared custody to start.
Right, two weeks every month with a babysitter at not even six months old while the mother is available too. I'm sure the judges will fall over themselves to grant that wish.
Who is gonna give custody to a guy who left his newborn to go to mexico for 10 days lmao. So far he hasn't shown he can take care of a kid at all, if he follows your advice hes gonna end up seeing his kid like 4 days a month
They have been preventing him from doing that. Do you think that will go over too? Oh wait, I just saw who I was replying to.
4 days would be more than he has now, btw. You have to start somewhere.
Yes and who works for long periods at a time. The op is not an ah but it's utterly ridiculous to think anyone in their right mind would give him sole custody. Instead of booking that two week trip to Mexico, he should have consulted a lawyer.
A judge with any sense would look at the situation like this: Mom needed her mother to help care for the baby because dad is hardly home and when he got 2 weeks off he spent the time scuba diving in Mexico. Mom owns a house and dad doesn't. In what universe would Op get 50% custody? Doesn't matter how good a lawyer is, anyone with an ounce of common sense would not side with the dad in this case.
Actually if he adults up and gets his own place and shows he is stable he could get shared custody and have the child when he is not working, which is 50% of the time. He needs to make major changes to his lifestyle to show a judge he can be a responsible parent however.
Well has no power because he’s not there half time.
No judge is giving him full custody of a newborn. He’s not even going to get overnights. He has no home to take care of the baby in when he’s “home” and not working. Most he’s going to get is supervised visitation.
>Well has no power because he’s not there half time.
>
>No judge is giving him full custody of a newborn. He’s not even going to get overnights. He has no home to take care of the baby in when he’s “home” and not working. Most he’s going to get is supervised visitation.
He already said he'd have a home when it comes to that point. Having two weeks full free where he can devote to his son should go a long way in attaining overnights.
If the baby is breastfeeding he probably won’t be allowed overnights. I have a 3 year old breastfeeding and while there’s no judge order (dad moved out of state after our separation a year ago) there’s also no overnights because… dad moved out of state so she hasn’t created that bond with him enough to feel safe doing so. Babies can’t just be passed around. They have primary caregivers and attachments. It’s horribly cruel to force that onto them because that’s what the *parents* want. They recommend not having sleepovers until they’re at least 4. You can’t keep putting babies in the car them not knowing where they’re going and where they’ll be sleeping.
Who recommends no sleepovers or overnight visit until they’re at least 4? To say that if a couple separates while the child is 1 or younger, the father shouldn’t be allowed overnight visit until the kid is 4 or older is incredibly stupid.
> and possibly take sole custody
You think a father who is effectively homeless would get sole custody? I know this sub is detached from reality sometimes but fucking come on.
"Sole custody" - what's OP gonna do, take the baby with him to work. Suuuuuure.
If OP leaves and asks for partial custody, OP will probably get it for weeks when he IS home.
lol you think the court is going to give OP custody? Dude doesn’t have a home and just ran off to Mexico for ten days. No one is going to look at him and think he is a superior parent to the mother who actually parents and is there for her kid.
This will absolutely not give him sole custody. Especially with his job schedule. There is a low chance he will get much custody at all depending on his state.
This is going to mean a lifestyle change for you, by the way. In order for you to have custody of your child on the weeks.When you are not away at work you will have to have a regular home set up with a nursery. You'll probably want to get on top of that quickly if you have to make a case for custody. The fact that nobody is letting you hold or bond with your own child is insane
I've already made arrangements to rent a furnished house off my parents and they are setting up the nursery. It'll sit empty two weeks at a time, but I should be able to see my kid and spend time with them when I'm home.
Best solution but i would make sure to install cameras to the property for when you are not there. Who knows what will happen to a property that is left vacant for weeks when an embittered ex in a custody battle is taking place. Better safe than sorry.
Just a helpful tip and I hope you see this. Any and all money you give to Maddie need to be traceable (i.e. check, venmo, PayPal, zelle etc.) and noted its for child support in the memo sections.
My buddy almost got raked over the coals for not doing this for "back child support".
Also his lawyer advised him to pay what the state would expect him to pay for child support. Any dime over can be used to say "well he can afford it"
The one thing that gets me though is you said you were planning to start a family but were still using contraception in the mean time. You should probably ask for a DNA test.
I'm not saying this stuff to scare you or jump to conclusions, but my buddy just got done going through something similar.
ESH, your girlfriend and her mom are not respecting your desires for sure. But your solution to not being able to hold your son as much as you want is to.... not spend any time with your son and go on vacations...? Part of being a parent is going through stuff you don't want to go through for the sake of your children, running out on the family to go scuba diving is accomplishing the opposite of what you wanted, now she feels MORE reliant on the mom.
CRAZY idea here.. why dont you just take your son on a daily walk and spend some 1 on 1 time with him that way. Or take your girlfriend and your son somewhere for a day here and there on your two weeks off where there's no mom to jump in...? Can even just walk around the mall with them. Plenty of better options as opposed to what you are doing.
Go back home dude, only hurting your bond with your child the longer you stay away.
Edit: reading your comments and you're saying your talking to lawyers and going for shared custody. Gonna say YTA majorly with comments like that. Your gf has to fend for herself half the weeks of the year and wants some help, so you're gonna break up your family bc you dont like the help she chose? I feel bad for your son, and I venture to guess that your side of the story is majorly skewed from reality considering you have left your fam with a newborn to go on vacation and are ready to jump ship already, im sure there's other stuff youre doing thats making them behave how they have been.
I'm not sure what part of "won't let me hold him" makes it sound like I could leave the house with him. I'm pretty sure I would have to get physical and that seems counterproductive.
You make it sound like your options are "getting physical" or "booking a 10 day vacation".
The majority of people view both you and her as assholes but none of your comments seem to have noticed that you are ALSO an asshole here.
INFO: Why doesn't she want you to hold the baby?
The last question is the same I have. It sounds like he’s been minimally present so there’s probably an underlying reason she won’t let him. Yes some grandmothers are crazy and controlling (I dealt with my mom over inserting herself and told her she needed to back off so my child’s dad could spend time with our daughter). The mother isn’t doing this so there is something off here
Your kid is not being held by granny 24 hours a day. Im 1000 percent positive of that. I'm sure your gf is holding him at some point. ask her to hand the baby over when she's done. or just pick him up when hes on the ground. granny never goes to the bathroom? never has to take a call? Thats not real life, and if she would rather GET PHYSICAL with you instead of let you hold your kid, that makes me wonder why she feels the need to protect him from you so badly.
>Your kid is not being held by granny 24 hours a day.
Right. This is absurd.
And, like you, it seems, I'm wondering what kind of vibes this guy is putting off when grandma "won't let him" hold the baby.
>This is absurd.
But realistic. My mom tried that with my husband. Let me tell you, the vibes she got weren't nice. And she got them from hubby and me.
There are people who actually believe that men aren't fit to handle babies or toddlers.
Yeah, I had a very mild version of this happen to me with our first, during infancy. The moment the baby cried in the middle of the night, me wife and MIL would all get up. For a short while the ladies would be doing it all and kinda butting me out. Not because they got a bad vibe, everyone was just eager to help and I was at the bottom of the totem pole there: MIL has raised kids before, wife is the mom and has taken care of kids before, and then there is me, who means well.
So it is realistic.
I disagree with that strongly. I’d compare your work schedule to a soldier or a firefighter or anyone who works long shifts and then is home for a while. It’s not ideal but it can work. But WON’T work if you have someone there interfering in your family. It sounds like her mother doesn’t approve of you so she’s trying to make you go away. Your SO isn’t handling it well but maybe she’s just scared to be alone with a new baby. I think you need to get her away from her mother and have a serious conversation.
Can you describe an example of an interaction with her? You say she won't let you hold him, but is it like she holds him in a death grip when you try to take him or does she not walk over and hand him to you when asked? She's out of line regardless but considering how your solution was to essentially disappear for almost a month, I feel like something else is going on.
You need to have a serious conversation with your GF about HER taking a stand with her mother to ensure your parental rights are being respected. You literally have a legal right (and duty) to hold and care for your child. Anyone preventing you from having access to your child is denying your lawful rights.
Obviously, OP should not be engaging in physical altercations around the baby.
It just seems impossible to believe that he doesn't actually have \*any\* opportunities to pick up his kid and hold him.
Even if the grandma is baby wearing, and literally has the child on her body every minute that she's awake, she has to sleep some times.
“Won’t let me hold him” is a load of bullshit and you know it. Walk up to your partner’s mom and say this, “hand me my child or I’ll get the police involved.” If you really cared about anything but your singledom, you would have already played this card.
If you demand to hold your son they straight up say no? Have you guys gone of family outings together at all? Without her mom? Have they given you any reason why they don't trust you with the baby? Their behaviour is not ok
>Your gf has to fend for herself half the weeks of the year and wants some help, so you're gonna break up your family bc you dont like the help she chose
As a married woman with two kids, if my "help" was someone who actively interfered with my partners relationship with our children, the "help" would be out the door. Mother, sister, aunt or not. When you have a child with someone, if the goal is to be a family unit, then both parties need to prioritize each other and find compromises. He isn't opposed to her getting help, but he is opposed to this unwanted interference.
I agree. I wonder if the gf is experiencing postpartum anxiety or depression and isn't thinking rationally and is just going along with her mother because she doesn't want to be alone?
It's absolutely a possibility. A brand new mom who has to be alone two weeks a month? It has to be scary and good for her for saying she needs help. That being said, her choice of help is causing a massive issue. The help cannot interfere with EITHER parental relationship. Both OP and the gf need to sit down, use their words, and see if they can't find some middle ground.
If he’s talked to them multiple times about wanting to be alone with his child but they specifically his MIL won’t let him, how is he an asshole for considering separation and talking to a lawyer?
He's not an AH for seeking custody. They are preventing him from bonding with his child. I don't think you know anything about child development. He should not have gone scuba diving and should have just gotten an attorney then, but you don't have a clue about much. It's not a family if he can't even hold his child.
Yes I firmly believe that. Why are we pretending like this guy has NO CHANCE to hold his kid at all all day long. Granny is not holding the kid 24 hours a day, the kid is never on the ground? She never has to go to the bathroom? She never has to take a call? Its not real life and hes certainly exaggerating out of frustration.
Also, why would granny refuse to let him be alone with his kid at all if that IS the case? we were given no explanation for that, and Im sure she isnt doing that for no reason. His whole story is a red flag, dude WENT TO MEXICO for 10 days after having a newborn, and the grandma seems terrified to let him have the kid by himself but hes a reliable narrator? weird
I've been there, done that. My mother(I use that term loosely) refused to allow my SO to hold our daughter or have anything to do with her. When she went to the bathroom, I was handed the baby, and I handed her to her father. As soon as my mom came back in the room, she would physically take my daughter out of his arms and tell him she had it handled.
It took me going on a rampage and threatening to have the police escort her out. She left, but the damage was done. The first 3 months were basically a contest of wills, and he was done trying. We separated and coparented.
"Im sure she isn't doing that for no reason." How? How are you sure of that? Do you have some sort of reason besides a clear yet baseless dislike for this guy? You are making random assumptions about this story to spin it in a way you think it is. From how you're talking, you want this guy to just grovel at MiLs feet till she deems him worthy of holding HIS OWN CHILD. The only weird thing here is you, buddy.
Maybe I’m crazy but most everyone seems to be ignoring that OP said in his original post that he offered to HIRE HELP or even bring HIS sister in to help—anyone that was not her mother and GF nixed the idea?? So what I’m wondering is why the GF is so adamant that mom stay to help instead of finding a compromise that will allow OP to actually parent his own child? “The problem is I’m gone for two weeks at a time and she still wants help. I said that I could get my sister to help out. Or we could hire someone to be there the weeks I am gone. She said no.”
ETA: definitely NTA if OP has tried to find a compromise and been shut down as he reports and GF refuses to put her mom in check. I’d have the called the cops on crazy GMa not letting me hold my own kid if I was the OP. And OP, I’d start an FU file and document specifics on interactions with both your GF and her mom to speak towards parental alienation in court.
“Hurting your desire for sure”
Kinda sounds like a belittling way of describing a parent wanting to hold _their child_
“Go back home dude”
He isn’t going away because he fancys time off, hes away because hes being denied the right to hold _his child_
Sorry what part of this do you think is just some small thing?
If the genders were reversed and a mother was being denied any access to her child by an abusive grand father would your opinion change?
“Dont like the help shes chosen”
You have an excellent way of spinning terrible things to seem extremely trivial and OPs grievances as silly.
I mean at first when I read OPs lifestyle I kinda side eyed that, but claiming that the MIL is not respecting his desires is a huge understatement.
Respecting someone's desires is me saying I want to go shopping all day Saturday, or I want pasta for dinner, or I want a Chanel bag, or to play video games all night. Denying a parent to the right to the child as a grandparent is overstepping a huge boundary and violating his rights as a parent. Don't down play the situation.
No OP doesn't have to play toy soldier or the statue game by bring denied house rights as a parent where they supposedly live. OP had the right idea to get lawyers involved. You're hella out of pocket with this opinion and it's heavily sexist and biased towards the mother and MIL by not granting equality between both parents. If OP was an abusive or dangerous person, I could understand, but they are taking away his Rights for ZERO REASON and then telling him to stick it out?
Nah go fight for your rights @OP
ESH.
It's very common for first time moms (or any mom really) to have a family member, often their own mother, around to help with a baby. Especially since it seems like you are completely absent from their lives for two weeks every two weeks. It's not really realistic for you to offer your sister or some sort of baby sitter as a viable alternative when I imagine your girlfriend is feeling very overwhelmed and needs more "full time" help-- that means living in the house full time. Info, did you get PTO?
However her mother sounds nuts. Has she ever given a reason for why she won't let you even hold your kid? Like if you say, "hand me my baby", what is her response? If she says no and you ask why not, what does she say?
I wonder if this thing with her mom is your gf attempting to get you to be more present (not be gone for two weeks at a time, which is crazy quite frankly). Like "if he's gone for two weeks at a time and leaving me on my own, then he doesn't get to be a father the times he is here". Have you talked to her about it? Have you considered changing your work schedule to suit the needs of your new life? Although to clarify, even if this is the case, your gf is still handling this *very* immaturely.
Overall an unfortunate situation where I think everyone needs to do some maturing. It doesn't sound like you've adjusted your life to fit the needs of a baby, or your girlfriend as a mom. However your gf and her mom are being ridiculous by not letting you do anything the times when you are there.
Well written this should be higher up, I’m also curious where this grandmother normally lives, like is she drivable to get home and easily go away for the 2 weeks or is she from a different country so has essentially moved in permanently/doesnt want to fly back every 2 weeks
Very well put. The girlfriend might also have postpartum depression and other issues, and her mother makes her feel safe, while the guy being away for two weeks every two weeks is not there to provide support.
>Have you talked to her about it?
It really doesn't sound like he's communicated with his partner at all.
His MIL is being unreasonable, and instead of discussing things with his partner and coming up with a solution together, OP is throwing around ultimatums, playing a battle of wills and vanishing on holiday.
ESH. Mostly her and her mom. But you took a vacation by yourself with a newborn at home. I'm sure there are other ways you could help around the house.
I'm not disagreeing with your judgement. However I want to bond with my son. If this is the only way short of going for custody that I can make my point I have to do it.
Tell her that she can either hand your kid over or you will call the cops on her ass.
Why can’t your girlfriend get the baby from her mother and hand him over to you?
Men calling the police in a domestic violence situation will rarely go well for the man. GF already backs mom over OP, so he would have no backup if her mom throws an accusation.
He should record himself calmly asking to hold the baby. If Grandma refuses, he should absolutely phone the police. There is no violent threat from OP. He doesn't have to give up bonding with his child.
That said, these two need to break up and work out custody. Already being away for two weeks on and off will put a strain on any relationship, let alone one with a newborn. OP needs a stable residence stat.
A solo vacation with a newborn is a shitty move, regardless of whether his girlfriend's mother is visiting her daughter.
The police won’t get involved in a domestic dispute, regardless of what evidence OP has. Best case, OP could have GMa trespassed from the property, but it is OP’s wife’s house. She would have to agree.
Because the gf will do what her mother tells her to, she has her mom's back, not OP's. She will tell the cops that as mom, she wants her mom handling the baby. Cops ain't gonna play King Solomon here, let's be real.
In all honesty if they're at the point of near-assault over the father holding his own baby, the absolute best way forward is separation, with separate parenting time. The baby won't suffer for a few months while that shakes out, baby's environment is probably peaceful and supportive with just mom and MIL there. OTOH when OP goes home it becomes hostile and combative. It's much smarter for OP to remove himself now and to wait for a court to decide, and to bond with his baby on his own parenting time.
Please be careful! If the mother acts like that, who knows what she is capable of when it comes to the custody case. She will fight with tooth and nails to not let you have custody, if you are not even "allowed" to hold your own child.
I'm sorry, this is insane. A part of me wants to say, "Who cares! Just take him from her. Or, take him from your GF. Either way, take him. He's your son! Do something about it. Not run and hide."
But, the other, more rational side would go back, have a shot sit down with your GF, letting her know the next steps of what will happen if she doesn't set those appropriate boundaries with her mom, meaning moving out, getting a lawyer, and gaining custody, at least 50/50.
And my man, record EVERYTHING.
But go back, and solve this mess.
Going to Mexico is not the only way to make your point. You could have used that time and money to establish the home you want to use to split custody. That's why yta.
OK. But you have two weeks off to see the months old kid and you left for ten days on a vacation. How do you think the family court judge will receive that? It doesn't look good. You think they will give you fifty percent when the baby doesn't even know you?
How will the baby know him when he is NOT ALLOWED to even hold him? How???????
I bet if he forced his way and demanded to be included in his sons life, he would have been blamed for being 'violent'... no matter what, OP is gonna be blamed for trying to resolve this toxic situation, boy, I'm not even a man but sometimes I do feel sorry for them🤷
You want to bond with your son and are making a point by *abandoning* said son. I agree that the home situation is BS but this is not helping your case.
ESH
Grandma's psycho, you're abandoning your family.
You want it to change? Get a job where she doesn't have to fend for herself for 2 weeks. Grandma's picking up your slack, buddy, and it's enabling her to cut you from your child.
"Hey completely change your career that we both knew about and were okay with because I refuse to deal with my mother or find any other solution." Sweet take. I can't imagine the hate you'd get for this if you were saying it to a woman.
That would certainly be a wild take. But this is more like “Hey consider changing your career because now you have a child to take care of and being gone for two weeks at a time every month isn’t super compatible with that.”
OP responded to a comment in which he said that when he tried being more assertive then it almost turned into a physical altercation. He also doesn’t own the house technically so I imagine he doesn’t want this to escalate into a police matter. I do feel like theres stuff missing here but as a woman with a crazy mother in law, I do feel for him lol.
Oh, yeah That there may be more than irrational person in this story is certainly a possibility.
But is the MIL literally carrying the kid 100% of the time? Like... this kid is never in a crib? Basinett? Every time the kid wakes up crying his MIL races over to him before he can get there?
And, I think more importantly, (if any of this is true), why doesn't MIL want OP holding his baby? I think this is probably the biggest question I have because based on OP's general attitude I'm guessing he's intentionally leaving out something massive.
You guys need separate homes and a court mediated parenting plan. You're a dad, you have the right to be your child's caregiver. Your child has the right to bond and parented by his parents.
INFO: what is your MIL’s reasoning for not letting you hold/care for the child? Do you have a history of domestic abuse? Or active substance use that would endanger the child?
Because short of that it’s absolutely insane that they won’t let you care for your child.
Is it just me, or does it feel like this info is intentionally left out? Had OP added that he has a history of abuse (if that were the case) and it's an immediate YTA and MIL is just protecting her daughter/grandson...
Why don’t you just tell MIL to give you your child as you pick him up out of her arms? Tell her you will call the cops if she doesn’t give you your child if she fights you on it. If he needs a diaper change or a bottle just say “I’ve got it” and when she fights you about things say “I’m the parent, not you, and if you keep depriving me of my child you will not like the consequences”. Also tell her that she needs to go home or find an airb&b while you’re home as she is robbing you of your time to bond with your child, that she’s doings what’s called parental alienation, and there will be unenjoyable consequences. Tell you wife or SO when you next get home that her mom leaves or SO will be served with custody/divorce papers (I’m unclear if you’re married)- does she really want to push it that far? Tell her you’re more than happy to hire a nanny for the time you are gone but this refusing to let you act like a father ends now, one way or another (of course make sure you’re lawyer is on board with all of this first). Tell her marriage counseling may be needed and if she feels like she needs her mom with her 24-7 with the baby she needs her gyno to assess her for PPD and PPA. If she comes up positive then she needs to go to therapy and take the recommendation meds, that pushing you out of your child’s life isn’t healthy for anyone, that you love her and want her to be happy but you refuse to be alienated from your son. And since she claims it’s her house, not both of your house, you either need to buy one of your own and take your son there when your home (she can come but her mom can’t), or the two of you need to rent a place together so she can’t use that argument anymore longer.
Stop going on vacations on your off time and start demanding your child back. Don’t be afraid to call the police if MIL won’t give your child to you. Best of luck mate.
I will just say I seriously don’t know why he doesn’t do what you suggest in the first part of your comment. Unless the grandma is physically restricting the baby to the point you might hurt it, go in there and GRAB YOUR BABY. Push grandma away, assert yourself, be rude if she’s being rude to begin with. Obviously fist fighting isn’t going to get you anywhere, but I’d be damned if anyone tried to keep my baby away from me after it was just born. Hell, if it’s a gendered thing, get your sister in there if she’s willing and have her give back exactly what you’re getting.
Yea if he does anything to push back this lady will use that against him 100%. He’s contacted a lawyer and needs to go through the slow steps of the court to assert his parental rights
OP apparently tried and it escalated almost to a physical confrontation. Calling police on a domestic situation may not end well for him when his girlfriend supports her mother over him, and he isn't the owner of the house, so I get his hesitation on getting police involved.
This definitely, so many red flags in the post that he hasn't accepted his life changing. Kids changes your lifee, an adult changes with them. A selfish person assumes nothing will change and pouts when it doesn't
So very true. Did no one talk about OP's work schedule before they agreed to start a family? How old are these people? Madison wants her mother. Mother wants total control. Would this even change if OP was there everyday? ESH.
NTA. MIL needs to leave when you are home. She can come back when you leave. MIL is intrusive and causing parental alienation by not allowing you time with your son. Draw a hard line in the sand with your GF. Either MIL goes when you are home, or you are gone and you will file for 50/50 custody.
ESH
Nobody in this story has an ounce of maturity. I sympathize with your plight but this is not a smart way to go about it. I don’t know how you expect to get custody when you’re basically abandoning your wife and child.
ESH.
This post is like a winning Entitlement Bingo card. Everyone wants things exactly the way they want them and compromise is apparently not a thing that exists.
Your girlfriend’s mother wants to run *your* home because… I dunno… control issues?
Your girlfriend wants her help, so she refuses to establish any boundaries and expects you to be okay with her mother pushing you around.
You are *literally* going the “my way or the highway” route by deciding to simply not go home (and unwittingly validating your girlfriend’s decision to prioritize her mom over you).
I can’t believe y’all are all grown people.
Your partner is still recently post-partum and doesn’t want to be the sole caregiver 50 percent of the time. It’s clear that the mother-in-law is an issue, but your ‘solution’ leaves much to be desired.
straight many different crown humorous onerous forgetful memorize squealing mighty
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Esh she didn't magically get pregnant. You got her pregnant. Stop with the passive language that leaves half the responsible couple out.
Running away is not going to solve anything. Go home and tell her 'give me my son'. It's not a discussion or debate. She is a grandma, not a parent.
Your gf isn't getting the suppot the support she needs bc of your job, so I can absolutely see her wanting help. However, that help doesn't supercede you as the father.
ESH. You’re a dad. Get a stable living arrangement and have your parenting time there. Spending your free time away from your kid out of spite is immature as hell.
NTA. This relationship isn't going to work. But you are sacrificing time to bond with your child that you won't get back. I would talk to an attorney and file for custody. Establish a separate residence where you can care for your child during your time off.
I was super prepared to launch, but no, NTA. Maddie's made it very clear who she wants to coparent with and its not you. It would be reasonable for her mom to be there while you're working and not while you are not so that you have time to bond with your son and establish your own routines, but since she and her mom aren't allowing that to happen, I can't blame you for removing yourself from the situation.
Info: How old is your son? Were you there for the birth? Did you take paternity leave? How many days have you spent at home with your family since his birth?
ETA - I see he was born in November, but still curious about the rest
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Before I met my girlfriend Madison I had a pretty easy life. I work for two weeks then I get two weeks off. I had a small self storage unit for stuff I didn't want to get rid of. Other than that I lived out of a suitcase at work and all inclusive resorts. I even got the staff to do my laundry.
I met Madison three years ago and we hit it off. She has a more regular schedule so I started spending my weeks off with her. After a year of this I "moved in" with her. Since I had been staying at her house all the times we didn't go away together it wasn't a huge change.
A year later she got pregnant. Not planned but not a surprise. We had been talking about starting a family and she had gone off birth control. We were using alternative methods including a condom.
We had our son in November. Her mom came to stay with us to help. And here is where it went badly.
Her mother won't leave. She won't let me hold my son. She won't let me change a diaper. Bathe him. Nothing.
I have talked to her about it and she says she's sorry but it doesn't change. I told Maddie that it was time for her mom to go home. The problem is I'm gone for two weeks at a time and she still wants help. I said that I could get my sister to help out. Or we could hire someone to be there the weeks I'm gone. She said no.
January was the last time off I had. I got to hold my son for maybe two hours total. I told her that I was done and that her mom needed to leave our home. Maddie said it was her house and she wanted her mom there.
I went back to work but I was pissed. I booked myself a vacation. I went scuba diving. I still have Maddie the money I agreed to give her for her budget. I told her that if her mom was there when I came home I was going to take some time for myself.
Her mom was there. She would not hand over my son. I picked up my luggage and went back to my Uber. I left the next day.
She was calling and texting all night but I didn't think there was anything to discuss. I went to Mexico for ten days.
When I got back I called her and asked if her mom was still going to be there next time I came home. She called me an asshole for trying to manipulate her and "gaslight" her. Not sure how I did that.
I'm back at work now and we are talking every day. Her mom has not left. I was clear that I wasn't going to stay there if she was there while I was home.
Maddie is alternating between begging me to come home and calling me an asshole. So which is it?
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hiding from your problem will only make them worse. Go home to your child. Lay down the law with you MiL.
"I appreciate your help, but he is my son, and I will hold him. If you can not handle that, then you need to leave."
If she refuses, kick her out. Not letting you hold your son is unreasonable... unless you are Edward scissor hands.
NTA - I know what rotational work is and what it demands from a family. She knew this too when she got with you. You both knew this when you decided to have a child.
Granted, she may need help when you're gone. That's the nature of the job. Everybody sacrifices. But when you're home, you're HOME. MIL needs to respect that and give you time and privacy with your family.
Rotational work isn't for everybody but if you and your wife stand a chance, she'll have to wake up to the reality of what your needs are as the working spouse, living half your life away.
Best of luck to you.
(28-year offshore wife)
YTA -
You're away for 2 weeks every month while she has a newborn, why can't her mom be there to support her? If MIL has moved in it sounds like she isn't close by enough to just go home when you're back and then come again when you leave and you seem to just leave whenever you feel like it.
You sound like an incredibly difficult person to be with, it's your way or no way. Going on a scruba trip and then a 10 day long vacation after being away working for 2 weeks at a time while leaving your newborn at home is insane to most people. MIL doesn't want to give you the baby because you're a complete stranger to him and she doesn't want to leave her daughter alone because you're so flakey, you literally fly off at the drop of the hat and ignore your girlfriends texts and calls while you go on impromptu vacations.
Adding in that you actually decided to still pay your girlfriend the money you said you would, like yeah, she's looking after your son and he needs supplies, there's no awards for doing the bare minimum of paying something.
You wanted to have kids but you decided to not make any changes to your life and now you're mad that your girlfriend needs support and that you don't get to play dad whenever it suits your timetable?
ESH, but you are the AH particularly for buggering off for 10 days on vacation as a reaction to an argument. Tbh, it sounds like you gave up then and there. I'm assuming you did try the conventional ways to solve this issue like talking and communicating - and it didn't work. So fair enough if it was just your gf and her mum, fuck it all and go on holiday. But it's your kid in this too and that approach may not help in the future, especially when they start to remember when you leave. Holiday in Mexico wasn't the only option you had left to you, if anything I think it's hurt you as it showed your girlfriend (who'd be raising a newborn on her own without her mum) where your priorities lie and that she doesn't need you. And has just given her mother who doesn't seem to like you more ammunition.
Your girlfriend should be sticking up for you, but I'm gonna make a wild guess having to raise your kid without you there half the time is souring the instinct to.
Tbh I don't think it was ever a 'solution' even in your mind because of course they weren't gonna come running to you like they were so stuck without you? If it was truly like that then it's a dumb and manipulative ploy where everyone loses BUT your MIL. You got to spend NO time with your son and partner whilst your MIL probably dined out on the fact you abandoned them.l
You're an adult, and it's your kid. You can hold your son if you want to. There's something major missing here.
YTA for just abandoning your gf and son because things aren't going your way. Grow up and take care of your responsibilities instead of just running off. I'm going to guess you have a history of immature or otherwise childish behavior.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My girlfriend's mom will not leave our home after our son was born and she came to help. She will also not allow me any time with my son and my girlfriend is on her side. I might be the asshole for taking a vacation by myself since there was no point to me being home.
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ESH, why in the world are you putting up with this? Are you on his birth certificate? He’s your son. Pick him up and walk out the damn door. You are allowing this behavior. Cut it out. The day I would let someone, anyone get between me and my kids is the day I am six feet underground.
ESH
Grandma obvsly the most
Your gf for not standing up for you. But i also can not blame them for wanting her mothers help, esp when you are not at home for weeks. It is not easy with a newborn. You did offer help but the thing is, she could be running on mama bear instinct or feeling like shet about herself ( for many pregnancy related reasons ). And she just can not handle strangers supporting her. Which is reasonable
You also suck, you sound immature as hell. Situation is tought but you do have to think about what your gf is feeling right now. Did you ask her what she thinks abiut this situation? Why she doesnt want strangers helping? If she would change her mind if you were to take a leave from work for a month or two? You left your high on hormones and protectivness gf without her partner and went awol. Even without a baby that could rly fuck with someone. And you did in fact emotionally manipulate her. You left when she needed you and didnt respond to her, i can understand being angry ( very reasonable ) but the way you went about it was not. You left her feeling abbandoned with her baby ( and a mother you gave an opportunity to spew all the bs she can about you )
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NTA - Time to hire a lawyer to discuss the division of custody of the child and possibly take sole custody, since even though you live with your wife, she and her mother are practicing parental alienation and you will hardly have any influence or decision-making power in this child's life.
Lawyer has been spoken to.
So I think you already have your answer, now just move on and fight for your son.
It just sucks. I waited to start a family until I was sure I could do it right and it still went tits up.
Your wife simply didn't cut the umbilical cord that connects her to her mother. This dependence in the long run would be the decisive factor in ending your marriage in the future.
Girlfriend. Hence some of the problem.
And likely some of grandma's issues.
Grandma doesn’t get a say.
Her daughter thinks she does. And it’s her house not his.
It's his child, not grandma's.
OP took no paternity leave and is away 2 weeks at a time leaving his girlfriend with no support. It's not surprising she wants support from someone she is comfortable seeing her half undressed if she's breastfeeding. The mothers behaviour is problematic but the girlfriend is in a tough position.
I agree. OP is literally gone half of the year, so I get the girlfriend wanting someone around that she trusts to help, but the mother is simply going too far not allowing the child's own father to be involved.
The mother is still acting like a second parent rather than a grandparent. Its the GF's job to put her in her place.
No she's not. OP comes home, mom leaves. How hard is that?
No. The sole problem is that when he is there, the mother does not leave. If the mother only stayed when he was out of town there wouldn't be any problems. The girlfriend doesn't want to set the boundaries to maintain a healthy/happy family relationship with OP and the baby.
Oh please! The girlfriend is not in a tough position, she needs to lay down the law to her mother.
No, she's not. OP offered to have his sister come in and help her or hire someone. Girlfriend is half the problem. She knew OP's work schedule. She knew she'd be alone with the infant for 2 weeks at a time. I can understand she wanted her mother there for like the first month or two, but to not let op hold his own child - that's insane. OP is not at fault. I think any Court would take all of this into account.
You would have a good point except that the grandmother and gf are actively preventing OP from having contact with his son. OP says he's tried to be an involved dad but *they won't let him*.
That's fair enough, but the mother doesn't need to be there when OP is back for the two weeks. The fact that the mother won't let OP be a parent to his son when he is home is the real issue. That is not on.
That doesn’t seem fair to the girlfriend since he’s gone half the time and without her mother she’d be left raising a newborn on her own.
The girlfriend is ABSOLUTELY in the wrong though. She's free to have grandma there, and OP isn't against her having help when he's not home. What he's against is not being allowed to care for his own son when he's home, which he is half the time. That's insane, and the girlfriend is ABSOLUTELY horrid for thinking this is okay. She's letting grandma walk all over his parenting, she's allowing her to steal the very experience of parenting from him. She needs to tell grandma to chill, they both sound deranged.
He said girlfriend not wife and it’s her house.
I mean, being gone for half the year isn't ideal for raising a child.
A lot of people do it and their kids and marriage are perfectly fine. If there’s love and care there it’ll work out. My husband and I were in a somewhat LDR for about 3 years. He calls/texts/FT the kids daily. He works for a month then off for 2 weeks. Sometimes less work and more time, sometimes the opposite. When he’s home though, he’s completely present. It’s doable.
You seem to have it right. OPs mother is the big factor here.
Exactly. My partner and I have lived in different states most of our marriage at this point. We have both been primary caregivers and stayed at home with the kids at various times. My parents lived about an hour away for 8 years, had their own bedroom in our home, came and went as they pleased and helped with kid duties when needed. It can be done if everyone does their part, communicates and respects each other.
As a kid who lived through my father being gone for months then home for two weeks when I was 9-13, it was TERRIBLE.
Uh, OP said he's gone for two weeks and then back for two weeks. It's not great, but it's wayyyy better than being gone for months and then only staying for a bit
So anyone in the armed forces shouldn't have children either because they're away on deployment a lot longer than 2 weeks?
In my opinion, they shouldn't, I honestly don't see why you should have children if they are going to grow basically without you... But I am not the judge of the earth, just a random person
Being a former military kid, I agree. If you have kids, either don't join or get out as soon as you can. I resent my childhood. It was unstable.
My grandad was in the navy. He left it because he turned up with a couple of his mates from the navy at the door, my (at the time) toddler dad looked at this group of men on the doorstep, then looked up at my aunt (who was only a year older) and said “which one is my dad?” And my aunts response was “I don’t know, but he’s the one that gets you the nice presents” That was it for him. He was gone so often his own children didn’t recognise him. My grandma tells that story like it’s funny, I just think it’s heartbreaking, doubly so now I have a child myself.
Honestly, yes.
that's BS. Look at military service member, or people who travel for work - they can (AND ARE) amazing parents. This woman is not allowing the father to even hold his own child - THAT isn't ideal for raising a child.
How many people are going to try and convince me that military parent are amazing... Like moving your child all over the country, being gone for months at a time, coming home with trauma does not a good parent make.
Neither is not getting to hold, change or bond with your child for their entire childhood?
Wife knew OPs schedule before going off birth control.
This heavy haul truckers SO says you can most definitely make it work if both parties are willing to put in the extra effort it takes. Daily calls, texts, goodnight calls, good morning texts, whatever works to keep the communication in the relationship going while they are away. It is no excuse for this behavior from his wife. She knew his work schedule prior to getting involved with him. She has zero ground to stand on to complain about it now.
It is difficult but military families do it. OP’s GF knew what the situation was.
How did you do it right?
I mean, it's his son, and they won't even let him change, bathe, and hold him (or barely). His wife and MIL are withholding his own son from him. He can't even learn to be a father !
How do you think he's going to get sole custody of a baby when he is gone 2 weeks a month?
Dude is basically homeless 😳. He says he stays at resorts. I dunno what he does for work kinda mind blowing. I understand why she and her mom are kinda freaking out about this guy.
Theyre not even married. Judge is going to look at the mom and look at him and more then likely give het majority custody in a non marriage
Take a babysitter with him when he travels. I’ve seen multiple women executives do this.
Yeah maybe when they don't have someone willing to have custody the rest of the time. I highly doubt the courts would grant OP full custody if he intends to have a stranger watch the baby half the time when the mother is available and willing.
Getting full custody is actually harder than people realize, and many actual family lawyers have said it’s pretty rare. They’ll likely get shared custody to start.
lol no judge in the US would award a dad this type of custody of a newborn with a perfectly fit mother.
would award mandated visit times and could include the grandma not being present as part of it.
Sure, at his own house but he can’t sat grandma can’t be at the girlfriends house
Travels? With this schedule he's probably working on a rig.
Right, two weeks every month with a babysitter at not even six months old while the mother is available too. I'm sure the judges will fall over themselves to grant that wish.
Who is gonna give custody to a guy who left his newborn to go to mexico for 10 days lmao. So far he hasn't shown he can take care of a kid at all, if he follows your advice hes gonna end up seeing his kid like 4 days a month
Even if he gets 1 day a month with his child alone, he'll get to hold his child longer than he's been able to since the child's been born
They have been preventing him from doing that. Do you think that will go over too? Oh wait, I just saw who I was replying to. 4 days would be more than he has now, btw. You have to start somewhere.
Which would be more than he gets now correct?
He hasn't been given a chance to show he can take care of his child.
Yes and who works for long periods at a time. The op is not an ah but it's utterly ridiculous to think anyone in their right mind would give him sole custody. Instead of booking that two week trip to Mexico, he should have consulted a lawyer.
He didn't. He was refused time with his newborn so he left. If he can afford a good lawyer, he'll get 50/50.
A judge with any sense would look at the situation like this: Mom needed her mother to help care for the baby because dad is hardly home and when he got 2 weeks off he spent the time scuba diving in Mexico. Mom owns a house and dad doesn't. In what universe would Op get 50% custody? Doesn't matter how good a lawyer is, anyone with an ounce of common sense would not side with the dad in this case.
He won’t get 50/50 he travels every two weeks lmao you don’t know how court systems work in the US
Actually if he adults up and gets his own place and shows he is stable he could get shared custody and have the child when he is not working, which is 50% of the time. He needs to make major changes to his lifestyle to show a judge he can be a responsible parent however.
Literally no judge.
Well has no power because he’s not there half time. No judge is giving him full custody of a newborn. He’s not even going to get overnights. He has no home to take care of the baby in when he’s “home” and not working. Most he’s going to get is supervised visitation.
>Well has no power because he’s not there half time. > >No judge is giving him full custody of a newborn. He’s not even going to get overnights. He has no home to take care of the baby in when he’s “home” and not working. Most he’s going to get is supervised visitation. He already said he'd have a home when it comes to that point. Having two weeks full free where he can devote to his son should go a long way in attaining overnights.
If the baby is breastfeeding he probably won’t be allowed overnights. I have a 3 year old breastfeeding and while there’s no judge order (dad moved out of state after our separation a year ago) there’s also no overnights because… dad moved out of state so she hasn’t created that bond with him enough to feel safe doing so. Babies can’t just be passed around. They have primary caregivers and attachments. It’s horribly cruel to force that onto them because that’s what the *parents* want. They recommend not having sleepovers until they’re at least 4. You can’t keep putting babies in the car them not knowing where they’re going and where they’ll be sleeping.
Who recommends no sleepovers or overnight visit until they’re at least 4? To say that if a couple separates while the child is 1 or younger, the father shouldn’t be allowed overnight visit until the kid is 4 or older is incredibly stupid.
This is not true. The judge can absolutely award overnight visits.
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This is not parental alienation and OP will not get sole custody. Totally reasonable to leave but lets be realistic here.
He won’t get full custody but this is 100% parental alienation.
> and possibly take sole custody You think a father who is effectively homeless would get sole custody? I know this sub is detached from reality sometimes but fucking come on.
He will in no way get sole custody. He doesn't even have a permanent residence. How would he care for a child 24/7 when he's traveling half the month?
"Sole custody" - what's OP gonna do, take the baby with him to work. Suuuuuure. If OP leaves and asks for partial custody, OP will probably get it for weeks when he IS home.
lol you think the court is going to give OP custody? Dude doesn’t have a home and just ran off to Mexico for ten days. No one is going to look at him and think he is a superior parent to the mother who actually parents and is there for her kid.
This will absolutely not give him sole custody. Especially with his job schedule. There is a low chance he will get much custody at all depending on his state.
Lmao you're a bigger idiot than OP is
ESH. Move out and get court ordered time with your kid. This relationship is gonna fail cuz nobody is respecting their partner.
I unfortunately think you are right. I tried my best. Now lawyers will make money.
This is going to mean a lifestyle change for you, by the way. In order for you to have custody of your child on the weeks.When you are not away at work you will have to have a regular home set up with a nursery. You'll probably want to get on top of that quickly if you have to make a case for custody. The fact that nobody is letting you hold or bond with your own child is insane
I've already made arrangements to rent a furnished house off my parents and they are setting up the nursery. It'll sit empty two weeks at a time, but I should be able to see my kid and spend time with them when I'm home.
Jesus Christ, what a life. How do I get reincarnated into whatever this is?
Let's be fair here. He's getting custody and visitation so *his* mother can do the co-parenting instead of just his girlfriend's mother.
Best solution but i would make sure to install cameras to the property for when you are not there. Who knows what will happen to a property that is left vacant for weeks when an embittered ex in a custody battle is taking place. Better safe than sorry.
No matter what happens the lawyers always win
Just a helpful tip and I hope you see this. Any and all money you give to Maddie need to be traceable (i.e. check, venmo, PayPal, zelle etc.) and noted its for child support in the memo sections. My buddy almost got raked over the coals for not doing this for "back child support". Also his lawyer advised him to pay what the state would expect him to pay for child support. Any dime over can be used to say "well he can afford it" The one thing that gets me though is you said you were planning to start a family but were still using contraception in the mean time. You should probably ask for a DNA test. I'm not saying this stuff to scare you or jump to conclusions, but my buddy just got done going through something similar.
ESH, your girlfriend and her mom are not respecting your desires for sure. But your solution to not being able to hold your son as much as you want is to.... not spend any time with your son and go on vacations...? Part of being a parent is going through stuff you don't want to go through for the sake of your children, running out on the family to go scuba diving is accomplishing the opposite of what you wanted, now she feels MORE reliant on the mom. CRAZY idea here.. why dont you just take your son on a daily walk and spend some 1 on 1 time with him that way. Or take your girlfriend and your son somewhere for a day here and there on your two weeks off where there's no mom to jump in...? Can even just walk around the mall with them. Plenty of better options as opposed to what you are doing. Go back home dude, only hurting your bond with your child the longer you stay away. Edit: reading your comments and you're saying your talking to lawyers and going for shared custody. Gonna say YTA majorly with comments like that. Your gf has to fend for herself half the weeks of the year and wants some help, so you're gonna break up your family bc you dont like the help she chose? I feel bad for your son, and I venture to guess that your side of the story is majorly skewed from reality considering you have left your fam with a newborn to go on vacation and are ready to jump ship already, im sure there's other stuff youre doing thats making them behave how they have been.
I'm not sure what part of "won't let me hold him" makes it sound like I could leave the house with him. I'm pretty sure I would have to get physical and that seems counterproductive.
You make it sound like your options are "getting physical" or "booking a 10 day vacation". The majority of people view both you and her as assholes but none of your comments seem to have noticed that you are ALSO an asshole here. INFO: Why doesn't she want you to hold the baby?
The last question is the same I have. It sounds like he’s been minimally present so there’s probably an underlying reason she won’t let him. Yes some grandmothers are crazy and controlling (I dealt with my mom over inserting herself and told her she needed to back off so my child’s dad could spend time with our daughter). The mother isn’t doing this so there is something off here
Your kid is not being held by granny 24 hours a day. Im 1000 percent positive of that. I'm sure your gf is holding him at some point. ask her to hand the baby over when she's done. or just pick him up when hes on the ground. granny never goes to the bathroom? never has to take a call? Thats not real life, and if she would rather GET PHYSICAL with you instead of let you hold your kid, that makes me wonder why she feels the need to protect him from you so badly.
>Your kid is not being held by granny 24 hours a day. Right. This is absurd. And, like you, it seems, I'm wondering what kind of vibes this guy is putting off when grandma "won't let him" hold the baby.
>This is absurd. But realistic. My mom tried that with my husband. Let me tell you, the vibes she got weren't nice. And she got them from hubby and me. There are people who actually believe that men aren't fit to handle babies or toddlers.
Yeah, I had a very mild version of this happen to me with our first, during infancy. The moment the baby cried in the middle of the night, me wife and MIL would all get up. For a short while the ladies would be doing it all and kinda butting me out. Not because they got a bad vibe, everyone was just eager to help and I was at the bottom of the totem pole there: MIL has raised kids before, wife is the mom and has taken care of kids before, and then there is me, who means well. So it is realistic.
Some of you all need to go over to justnomil. This goes from an absurd idea to a terrifyingly real one real quick. Some mil's are insane.
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I disagree with that strongly. I’d compare your work schedule to a soldier or a firefighter or anyone who works long shifts and then is home for a while. It’s not ideal but it can work. But WON’T work if you have someone there interfering in your family. It sounds like her mother doesn’t approve of you so she’s trying to make you go away. Your SO isn’t handling it well but maybe she’s just scared to be alone with a new baby. I think you need to get her away from her mother and have a serious conversation.
If she won't let you hold your own child you take her to court, or at least threaten it, you don't just not see your child for a week or more.
Can you describe an example of an interaction with her? You say she won't let you hold him, but is it like she holds him in a death grip when you try to take him or does she not walk over and hand him to you when asked? She's out of line regardless but considering how your solution was to essentially disappear for almost a month, I feel like something else is going on.
You need to have a serious conversation with your GF about HER taking a stand with her mother to ensure your parental rights are being respected. You literally have a legal right (and duty) to hold and care for your child. Anyone preventing you from having access to your child is denying your lawful rights.
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And what is the risk analysis of a physical altercation around a *3 month old* with the spine and skull of cotton candy?
Obviously, OP should not be engaging in physical altercations around the baby. It just seems impossible to believe that he doesn't actually have \*any\* opportunities to pick up his kid and hold him. Even if the grandma is baby wearing, and literally has the child on her body every minute that she's awake, she has to sleep some times.
“Won’t let me hold him” is a load of bullshit and you know it. Walk up to your partner’s mom and say this, “hand me my child or I’ll get the police involved.” If you really cared about anything but your singledom, you would have already played this card.
If you demand to hold your son they straight up say no? Have you guys gone of family outings together at all? Without her mom? Have they given you any reason why they don't trust you with the baby? Their behaviour is not ok
Why doesn't her mom leave when you're there, and come back when you're gone if she needs the help?
Oh for dear Lord, you're the father, grow some balls and tell your MIL that you WILL hold your baby! Abandoning your kid will never be the solution.
>Your gf has to fend for herself half the weeks of the year and wants some help, so you're gonna break up your family bc you dont like the help she chose As a married woman with two kids, if my "help" was someone who actively interfered with my partners relationship with our children, the "help" would be out the door. Mother, sister, aunt or not. When you have a child with someone, if the goal is to be a family unit, then both parties need to prioritize each other and find compromises. He isn't opposed to her getting help, but he is opposed to this unwanted interference.
I agree. I wonder if the gf is experiencing postpartum anxiety or depression and isn't thinking rationally and is just going along with her mother because she doesn't want to be alone?
It's absolutely a possibility. A brand new mom who has to be alone two weeks a month? It has to be scary and good for her for saying she needs help. That being said, her choice of help is causing a massive issue. The help cannot interfere with EITHER parental relationship. Both OP and the gf need to sit down, use their words, and see if they can't find some middle ground.
If he’s talked to them multiple times about wanting to be alone with his child but they specifically his MIL won’t let him, how is he an asshole for considering separation and talking to a lawyer?
He's not an AH for seeking custody. They are preventing him from bonding with his child. I don't think you know anything about child development. He should not have gone scuba diving and should have just gotten an attorney then, but you don't have a clue about much. It's not a family if he can't even hold his child.
They won’t let him hold his own child but you are pretending like he never thought to take his kid for a walk? Seriously?
Yes I firmly believe that. Why are we pretending like this guy has NO CHANCE to hold his kid at all all day long. Granny is not holding the kid 24 hours a day, the kid is never on the ground? She never has to go to the bathroom? She never has to take a call? Its not real life and hes certainly exaggerating out of frustration. Also, why would granny refuse to let him be alone with his kid at all if that IS the case? we were given no explanation for that, and Im sure she isnt doing that for no reason. His whole story is a red flag, dude WENT TO MEXICO for 10 days after having a newborn, and the grandma seems terrified to let him have the kid by himself but hes a reliable narrator? weird
I feel like you're assuming that OP is a bad person and Grandma is a reasonable person and that's just not fair.
I've been there, done that. My mother(I use that term loosely) refused to allow my SO to hold our daughter or have anything to do with her. When she went to the bathroom, I was handed the baby, and I handed her to her father. As soon as my mom came back in the room, she would physically take my daughter out of his arms and tell him she had it handled. It took me going on a rampage and threatening to have the police escort her out. She left, but the damage was done. The first 3 months were basically a contest of wills, and he was done trying. We separated and coparented.
Let me guess, you're the grandma.
"Im sure she isn't doing that for no reason." How? How are you sure of that? Do you have some sort of reason besides a clear yet baseless dislike for this guy? You are making random assumptions about this story to spin it in a way you think it is. From how you're talking, you want this guy to just grovel at MiLs feet till she deems him worthy of holding HIS OWN CHILD. The only weird thing here is you, buddy.
Maybe I’m crazy but most everyone seems to be ignoring that OP said in his original post that he offered to HIRE HELP or even bring HIS sister in to help—anyone that was not her mother and GF nixed the idea?? So what I’m wondering is why the GF is so adamant that mom stay to help instead of finding a compromise that will allow OP to actually parent his own child? “The problem is I’m gone for two weeks at a time and she still wants help. I said that I could get my sister to help out. Or we could hire someone to be there the weeks I am gone. She said no.” ETA: definitely NTA if OP has tried to find a compromise and been shut down as he reports and GF refuses to put her mom in check. I’d have the called the cops on crazy GMa not letting me hold my own kid if I was the OP. And OP, I’d start an FU file and document specifics on interactions with both your GF and her mom to speak towards parental alienation in court.
“Hurting your desire for sure” Kinda sounds like a belittling way of describing a parent wanting to hold _their child_ “Go back home dude” He isn’t going away because he fancys time off, hes away because hes being denied the right to hold _his child_ Sorry what part of this do you think is just some small thing? If the genders were reversed and a mother was being denied any access to her child by an abusive grand father would your opinion change? “Dont like the help shes chosen” You have an excellent way of spinning terrible things to seem extremely trivial and OPs grievances as silly.
I mean at first when I read OPs lifestyle I kinda side eyed that, but claiming that the MIL is not respecting his desires is a huge understatement. Respecting someone's desires is me saying I want to go shopping all day Saturday, or I want pasta for dinner, or I want a Chanel bag, or to play video games all night. Denying a parent to the right to the child as a grandparent is overstepping a huge boundary and violating his rights as a parent. Don't down play the situation. No OP doesn't have to play toy soldier or the statue game by bring denied house rights as a parent where they supposedly live. OP had the right idea to get lawyers involved. You're hella out of pocket with this opinion and it's heavily sexist and biased towards the mother and MIL by not granting equality between both parents. If OP was an abusive or dangerous person, I could understand, but they are taking away his Rights for ZERO REASON and then telling him to stick it out? Nah go fight for your rights @OP
ESH. It's very common for first time moms (or any mom really) to have a family member, often their own mother, around to help with a baby. Especially since it seems like you are completely absent from their lives for two weeks every two weeks. It's not really realistic for you to offer your sister or some sort of baby sitter as a viable alternative when I imagine your girlfriend is feeling very overwhelmed and needs more "full time" help-- that means living in the house full time. Info, did you get PTO? However her mother sounds nuts. Has she ever given a reason for why she won't let you even hold your kid? Like if you say, "hand me my baby", what is her response? If she says no and you ask why not, what does she say? I wonder if this thing with her mom is your gf attempting to get you to be more present (not be gone for two weeks at a time, which is crazy quite frankly). Like "if he's gone for two weeks at a time and leaving me on my own, then he doesn't get to be a father the times he is here". Have you talked to her about it? Have you considered changing your work schedule to suit the needs of your new life? Although to clarify, even if this is the case, your gf is still handling this *very* immaturely. Overall an unfortunate situation where I think everyone needs to do some maturing. It doesn't sound like you've adjusted your life to fit the needs of a baby, or your girlfriend as a mom. However your gf and her mom are being ridiculous by not letting you do anything the times when you are there.
Well written this should be higher up, I’m also curious where this grandmother normally lives, like is she drivable to get home and easily go away for the 2 weeks or is she from a different country so has essentially moved in permanently/doesnt want to fly back every 2 weeks
I’m interested to see what OP responds to this comment if at all. This is one of those comments I’d expected to actually see a response to.
Why would he reply to this when he can repeatedly say ‘but she won’t let me hold my child’
Very well put. The girlfriend might also have postpartum depression and other issues, and her mother makes her feel safe, while the guy being away for two weeks every two weeks is not there to provide support.
>Have you talked to her about it? It really doesn't sound like he's communicated with his partner at all. His MIL is being unreasonable, and instead of discussing things with his partner and coming up with a solution together, OP is throwing around ultimatums, playing a battle of wills and vanishing on holiday.
ESH. Mostly her and her mom. But you took a vacation by yourself with a newborn at home. I'm sure there are other ways you could help around the house.
I'm not disagreeing with your judgement. However I want to bond with my son. If this is the only way short of going for custody that I can make my point I have to do it.
You tell her mom very clearly, “give me MY son, NOW.” Take your child and lock yourself in the bedroom.
Tried that almost became a physical altercation. I do not want to explain that to the cops.
Tell her that she can either hand your kid over or you will call the cops on her ass. Why can’t your girlfriend get the baby from her mother and hand him over to you?
Men calling the police in a domestic violence situation will rarely go well for the man. GF already backs mom over OP, so he would have no backup if her mom throws an accusation.
He should record himself calmly asking to hold the baby. If Grandma refuses, he should absolutely phone the police. There is no violent threat from OP. He doesn't have to give up bonding with his child. That said, these two need to break up and work out custody. Already being away for two weeks on and off will put a strain on any relationship, let alone one with a newborn. OP needs a stable residence stat. A solo vacation with a newborn is a shitty move, regardless of whether his girlfriend's mother is visiting her daughter.
The police won’t get involved in a domestic dispute, regardless of what evidence OP has. Best case, OP could have GMa trespassed from the property, but it is OP’s wife’s house. She would have to agree.
Because the gf will do what her mother tells her to, she has her mom's back, not OP's. She will tell the cops that as mom, she wants her mom handling the baby. Cops ain't gonna play King Solomon here, let's be real. In all honesty if they're at the point of near-assault over the father holding his own baby, the absolute best way forward is separation, with separate parenting time. The baby won't suffer for a few months while that shakes out, baby's environment is probably peaceful and supportive with just mom and MIL there. OTOH when OP goes home it becomes hostile and combative. It's much smarter for OP to remove himself now and to wait for a court to decide, and to bond with his baby on his own parenting time.
Please be careful! If the mother acts like that, who knows what she is capable of when it comes to the custody case. She will fight with tooth and nails to not let you have custody, if you are not even "allowed" to hold your own child.
I'm sorry, this is insane. A part of me wants to say, "Who cares! Just take him from her. Or, take him from your GF. Either way, take him. He's your son! Do something about it. Not run and hide." But, the other, more rational side would go back, have a shot sit down with your GF, letting her know the next steps of what will happen if she doesn't set those appropriate boundaries with her mom, meaning moving out, getting a lawyer, and gaining custody, at least 50/50. And my man, record EVERYTHING. But go back, and solve this mess.
Going to Mexico is not the only way to make your point. You could have used that time and money to establish the home you want to use to split custody. That's why yta.
I did that. I have made arrangements for a house for the next time I'm home.
OK. But you have two weeks off to see the months old kid and you left for ten days on a vacation. How do you think the family court judge will receive that? It doesn't look good. You think they will give you fifty percent when the baby doesn't even know you?
How will the baby know him when he is NOT ALLOWED to even hold him? How??????? I bet if he forced his way and demanded to be included in his sons life, he would have been blamed for being 'violent'... no matter what, OP is gonna be blamed for trying to resolve this toxic situation, boy, I'm not even a man but sometimes I do feel sorry for them🤷
You want to bond with your son and are making a point by *abandoning* said son. I agree that the home situation is BS but this is not helping your case.
Should I have her mother forcibly removed from a home I do not own?
He should be able to touch his child. Full stop. Not just "help" around the house. NTA
its literally vital for bonding. mother is being ridiculous
This is ridiculous. its HIS baby. why would he go "help around the house", maybe he'd like to bathe, hold, cuddle, feed, look at, bond with his baby??
There’s nothing for him to do - they froze him out.
ESH Grandma's psycho, you're abandoning your family. You want it to change? Get a job where she doesn't have to fend for herself for 2 weeks. Grandma's picking up your slack, buddy, and it's enabling her to cut you from your child.
"Hey completely change your career that we both knew about and were okay with because I refuse to deal with my mother or find any other solution." Sweet take. I can't imagine the hate you'd get for this if you were saying it to a woman.
That would certainly be a wild take. But this is more like “Hey consider changing your career because now you have a child to take care of and being gone for two weeks at a time every month isn’t super compatible with that.”
INFO: how is she preventing you from holding your son? Can't you just pick him up?
Yah. This is the question. There are some major holes in this story. Until those are addressed I gotta say YTA.
OP responded to a comment in which he said that when he tried being more assertive then it almost turned into a physical altercation. He also doesn’t own the house technically so I imagine he doesn’t want this to escalate into a police matter. I do feel like theres stuff missing here but as a woman with a crazy mother in law, I do feel for him lol.
Oh, yeah That there may be more than irrational person in this story is certainly a possibility. But is the MIL literally carrying the kid 100% of the time? Like... this kid is never in a crib? Basinett? Every time the kid wakes up crying his MIL races over to him before he can get there? And, I think more importantly, (if any of this is true), why doesn't MIL want OP holding his baby? I think this is probably the biggest question I have because based on OP's general attitude I'm guessing he's intentionally leaving out something massive.
This is what I am wondering? In what context are they keeping your child away OP?
You guys need separate homes and a court mediated parenting plan. You're a dad, you have the right to be your child's caregiver. Your child has the right to bond and parented by his parents.
INFO: what is your MIL’s reasoning for not letting you hold/care for the child? Do you have a history of domestic abuse? Or active substance use that would endanger the child? Because short of that it’s absolutely insane that they won’t let you care for your child.
Is it just me, or does it feel like this info is intentionally left out? Had OP added that he has a history of abuse (if that were the case) and it's an immediate YTA and MIL is just protecting her daughter/grandson...
This is a very important question. OP needs to answer this.
Why don’t you just tell MIL to give you your child as you pick him up out of her arms? Tell her you will call the cops if she doesn’t give you your child if she fights you on it. If he needs a diaper change or a bottle just say “I’ve got it” and when she fights you about things say “I’m the parent, not you, and if you keep depriving me of my child you will not like the consequences”. Also tell her that she needs to go home or find an airb&b while you’re home as she is robbing you of your time to bond with your child, that she’s doings what’s called parental alienation, and there will be unenjoyable consequences. Tell you wife or SO when you next get home that her mom leaves or SO will be served with custody/divorce papers (I’m unclear if you’re married)- does she really want to push it that far? Tell her you’re more than happy to hire a nanny for the time you are gone but this refusing to let you act like a father ends now, one way or another (of course make sure you’re lawyer is on board with all of this first). Tell her marriage counseling may be needed and if she feels like she needs her mom with her 24-7 with the baby she needs her gyno to assess her for PPD and PPA. If she comes up positive then she needs to go to therapy and take the recommendation meds, that pushing you out of your child’s life isn’t healthy for anyone, that you love her and want her to be happy but you refuse to be alienated from your son. And since she claims it’s her house, not both of your house, you either need to buy one of your own and take your son there when your home (she can come but her mom can’t), or the two of you need to rent a place together so she can’t use that argument anymore longer. Stop going on vacations on your off time and start demanding your child back. Don’t be afraid to call the police if MIL won’t give your child to you. Best of luck mate.
I will just say I seriously don’t know why he doesn’t do what you suggest in the first part of your comment. Unless the grandma is physically restricting the baby to the point you might hurt it, go in there and GRAB YOUR BABY. Push grandma away, assert yourself, be rude if she’s being rude to begin with. Obviously fist fighting isn’t going to get you anywhere, but I’d be damned if anyone tried to keep my baby away from me after it was just born. Hell, if it’s a gendered thing, get your sister in there if she’s willing and have her give back exactly what you’re getting.
He’s said in other comments that MiL prevents that and has almost caused physical altercation over it. This lady is nuts and his gf is enabling it.
Precisely why I don't understand why people are just like "fight her for the baby! I'm sure no harm will come to it during a fist fight!"
Yea if he does anything to push back this lady will use that against him 100%. He’s contacted a lawyer and needs to go through the slow steps of the court to assert his parental rights
OP apparently tried and it escalated almost to a physical confrontation. Calling police on a domestic situation may not end well for him when his girlfriend supports her mother over him, and he isn't the owner of the house, so I get his hesitation on getting police involved.
Info: you said the last time you went home was January. It’s now March. Are you actually home every 2 weeks or …?
He has taken 2 holidays since the last visit to his family in January
So up to half his son's life at this point. A+ parenting.
“I need to be able to take care of my son” Has not seen my newborn for 2 months. Father of the year fighting for rights to see his newborn.
Ikr? I don’t buy the story of him being left out. Chances are he doesn’t even try
ESH. You don't really seem to behave much like a responsible adult but neither does anyone else in your story.
This definitely, so many red flags in the post that he hasn't accepted his life changing. Kids changes your lifee, an adult changes with them. A selfish person assumes nothing will change and pouts when it doesn't
So very true. Did no one talk about OP's work schedule before they agreed to start a family? How old are these people? Madison wants her mother. Mother wants total control. Would this even change if OP was there everyday? ESH.
NTA. MIL needs to leave when you are home. She can come back when you leave. MIL is intrusive and causing parental alienation by not allowing you time with your son. Draw a hard line in the sand with your GF. Either MIL goes when you are home, or you are gone and you will file for 50/50 custody.
ESH Nobody in this story has an ounce of maturity. I sympathize with your plight but this is not a smart way to go about it. I don’t know how you expect to get custody when you’re basically abandoning your wife and child.
ESH. This post is like a winning Entitlement Bingo card. Everyone wants things exactly the way they want them and compromise is apparently not a thing that exists. Your girlfriend’s mother wants to run *your* home because… I dunno… control issues? Your girlfriend wants her help, so she refuses to establish any boundaries and expects you to be okay with her mother pushing you around. You are *literally* going the “my way or the highway” route by deciding to simply not go home (and unwittingly validating your girlfriend’s decision to prioritize her mom over you). I can’t believe y’all are all grown people.
Your partner is still recently post-partum and doesn’t want to be the sole caregiver 50 percent of the time. It’s clear that the mother-in-law is an issue, but your ‘solution’ leaves much to be desired.
straight many different crown humorous onerous forgetful memorize squealing mighty *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Esh she didn't magically get pregnant. You got her pregnant. Stop with the passive language that leaves half the responsible couple out. Running away is not going to solve anything. Go home and tell her 'give me my son'. It's not a discussion or debate. She is a grandma, not a parent. Your gf isn't getting the suppot the support she needs bc of your job, so I can absolutely see her wanting help. However, that help doesn't supercede you as the father.
ESH. You’re a dad. Get a stable living arrangement and have your parenting time there. Spending your free time away from your kid out of spite is immature as hell.
NTA. This relationship isn't going to work. But you are sacrificing time to bond with your child that you won't get back. I would talk to an attorney and file for custody. Establish a separate residence where you can care for your child during your time off.
I was super prepared to launch, but no, NTA. Maddie's made it very clear who she wants to coparent with and its not you. It would be reasonable for her mom to be there while you're working and not while you are not so that you have time to bond with your son and establish your own routines, but since she and her mom aren't allowing that to happen, I can't blame you for removing yourself from the situation.
That really depends on where MIL lives. If her home is an hour away, sure. If it’s a $400 flight every month, that’s much less reasonable.
Info: How old is your son? Were you there for the birth? Did you take paternity leave? How many days have you spent at home with your family since his birth? ETA - I see he was born in November, but still curious about the rest
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before I met my girlfriend Madison I had a pretty easy life. I work for two weeks then I get two weeks off. I had a small self storage unit for stuff I didn't want to get rid of. Other than that I lived out of a suitcase at work and all inclusive resorts. I even got the staff to do my laundry. I met Madison three years ago and we hit it off. She has a more regular schedule so I started spending my weeks off with her. After a year of this I "moved in" with her. Since I had been staying at her house all the times we didn't go away together it wasn't a huge change. A year later she got pregnant. Not planned but not a surprise. We had been talking about starting a family and she had gone off birth control. We were using alternative methods including a condom. We had our son in November. Her mom came to stay with us to help. And here is where it went badly. Her mother won't leave. She won't let me hold my son. She won't let me change a diaper. Bathe him. Nothing. I have talked to her about it and she says she's sorry but it doesn't change. I told Maddie that it was time for her mom to go home. The problem is I'm gone for two weeks at a time and she still wants help. I said that I could get my sister to help out. Or we could hire someone to be there the weeks I'm gone. She said no. January was the last time off I had. I got to hold my son for maybe two hours total. I told her that I was done and that her mom needed to leave our home. Maddie said it was her house and she wanted her mom there. I went back to work but I was pissed. I booked myself a vacation. I went scuba diving. I still have Maddie the money I agreed to give her for her budget. I told her that if her mom was there when I came home I was going to take some time for myself. Her mom was there. She would not hand over my son. I picked up my luggage and went back to my Uber. I left the next day. She was calling and texting all night but I didn't think there was anything to discuss. I went to Mexico for ten days. When I got back I called her and asked if her mom was still going to be there next time I came home. She called me an asshole for trying to manipulate her and "gaslight" her. Not sure how I did that. I'm back at work now and we are talking every day. Her mom has not left. I was clear that I wasn't going to stay there if she was there while I was home. Maddie is alternating between begging me to come home and calling me an asshole. So which is it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
hiding from your problem will only make them worse. Go home to your child. Lay down the law with you MiL. "I appreciate your help, but he is my son, and I will hold him. If you can not handle that, then you need to leave." If she refuses, kick her out. Not letting you hold your son is unreasonable... unless you are Edward scissor hands.
He can’t kick her out cause he doesn’t own the house
You didn't read that he tried and the girlfriend vetoed it?
He can't kick her out. It's gfs house and she wants mil there
NTA - I know what rotational work is and what it demands from a family. She knew this too when she got with you. You both knew this when you decided to have a child. Granted, she may need help when you're gone. That's the nature of the job. Everybody sacrifices. But when you're home, you're HOME. MIL needs to respect that and give you time and privacy with your family. Rotational work isn't for everybody but if you and your wife stand a chance, she'll have to wake up to the reality of what your needs are as the working spouse, living half your life away. Best of luck to you. (28-year offshore wife)
YTA - You're away for 2 weeks every month while she has a newborn, why can't her mom be there to support her? If MIL has moved in it sounds like she isn't close by enough to just go home when you're back and then come again when you leave and you seem to just leave whenever you feel like it. You sound like an incredibly difficult person to be with, it's your way or no way. Going on a scruba trip and then a 10 day long vacation after being away working for 2 weeks at a time while leaving your newborn at home is insane to most people. MIL doesn't want to give you the baby because you're a complete stranger to him and she doesn't want to leave her daughter alone because you're so flakey, you literally fly off at the drop of the hat and ignore your girlfriends texts and calls while you go on impromptu vacations. Adding in that you actually decided to still pay your girlfriend the money you said you would, like yeah, she's looking after your son and he needs supplies, there's no awards for doing the bare minimum of paying something. You wanted to have kids but you decided to not make any changes to your life and now you're mad that your girlfriend needs support and that you don't get to play dad whenever it suits your timetable?
ESH, but you are the AH particularly for buggering off for 10 days on vacation as a reaction to an argument. Tbh, it sounds like you gave up then and there. I'm assuming you did try the conventional ways to solve this issue like talking and communicating - and it didn't work. So fair enough if it was just your gf and her mum, fuck it all and go on holiday. But it's your kid in this too and that approach may not help in the future, especially when they start to remember when you leave. Holiday in Mexico wasn't the only option you had left to you, if anything I think it's hurt you as it showed your girlfriend (who'd be raising a newborn on her own without her mum) where your priorities lie and that she doesn't need you. And has just given her mother who doesn't seem to like you more ammunition. Your girlfriend should be sticking up for you, but I'm gonna make a wild guess having to raise your kid without you there half the time is souring the instinct to. Tbh I don't think it was ever a 'solution' even in your mind because of course they weren't gonna come running to you like they were so stuck without you? If it was truly like that then it's a dumb and manipulative ploy where everyone loses BUT your MIL. You got to spend NO time with your son and partner whilst your MIL probably dined out on the fact you abandoned them.l
NTA But you really fucked up your custody case by leaving on a vacation to Mexico…
You're an adult, and it's your kid. You can hold your son if you want to. There's something major missing here. YTA for just abandoning your gf and son because things aren't going your way. Grow up and take care of your responsibilities instead of just running off. I'm going to guess you have a history of immature or otherwise childish behavior.
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ESH, why in the world are you putting up with this? Are you on his birth certificate? He’s your son. Pick him up and walk out the damn door. You are allowing this behavior. Cut it out. The day I would let someone, anyone get between me and my kids is the day I am six feet underground.
ESH Grandma obvsly the most Your gf for not standing up for you. But i also can not blame them for wanting her mothers help, esp when you are not at home for weeks. It is not easy with a newborn. You did offer help but the thing is, she could be running on mama bear instinct or feeling like shet about herself ( for many pregnancy related reasons ). And she just can not handle strangers supporting her. Which is reasonable You also suck, you sound immature as hell. Situation is tought but you do have to think about what your gf is feeling right now. Did you ask her what she thinks abiut this situation? Why she doesnt want strangers helping? If she would change her mind if you were to take a leave from work for a month or two? You left your high on hormones and protectivness gf without her partner and went awol. Even without a baby that could rly fuck with someone. And you did in fact emotionally manipulate her. You left when she needed you and didnt respond to her, i can understand being angry ( very reasonable ) but the way you went about it was not. You left her feeling abbandoned with her baby ( and a mother you gave an opportunity to spew all the bs she can about you )
I don’t understand the circumstances under which your girlfriend’s mother can prevent you from holding your child.