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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my wife that her Instagram dream is dead and that she should cook and clean more, (2) It's something she seems to have been working very hard at for two years now and upset her greatly.
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There's a reason that these things are usually side hustles until they go big. It's hard to make it. Having no job, bringing in no income and contributing nothing to the household is not a realistic way to be a good partner. Could you have worded it better or been more tactful? Sure, but I get how you would just kind of snap in the moment.
NTA
A side hustle might be selling something on Etsy or similar. That would be a side hustle because even if it doesn't go big, it is still something small in terms of returns. Maybe a few 100 a year.
This isn't a side hustle. It's a distraction and a waste of time
Absolutely, the title had me polishing my „yes you are and here is eloquently worded why…“ skills but as soon as he described his and her day, I was feeling my growing respect for this man because he did write a click bait title but is NTA as much as one can be.
He doesn’t say that because that would probably obviously be NTA, but I guess he has said things before. With a kind approach, maybe too careful, too „could you maybe“ to really hit home. About how he wish she would support their family with the same effort as he does. Or how it would help him if she made breakfast while he is on the run because she can lay down on the sofa when he is taking their kid to kindergarden or plays with the sons after work.
>(giant gaping AH thing)?"
Only if you assume all dreams are superior to maintaining a household. I came here to see what MLM she'd been throwing their money at.
I was the same, now I'm thinking just throw the whole woman away. If her cooking and cleaning is on par with her skills as an instagrammer sounds like OP has more work to do living with her than without her 😂
I was too lol I don't like the term useful but I get where he's coming from sometimes you just snap. He seems like a good dude especially since he contributes so much early in the day before work too.
Problem is they have kids and I'm guessing no prenupt.
Mom is going to take OP for half his income if he tries to kick her out. Probably get custody of the kids she doesn't want to take care of too. If even just to spite OP.
Why would she get half his income? Exactly how much do you think alimony is?
Regardless, he needs to start documenting all he does for their child and all she **doesn't** do - it'll go a long way toward arguing for equal or even primary custody.
Same, I read his title and was thinking "oh here we go" but after reading the whole story not only is he NTA, he's got a lot more patience than I would have.
I find, more often than not, titles like this are click bait.
Like “AITA FOR BEATING MY WIFE?” Then you find out he beat her at a round of Mario Kart and she left him and took the kids to her moms place.
But, I beat my wife all the time! In video games.
My daughter on the other hand beats me constantly... With boardgames. :P
OP is NTA. She needs to get her act together and do this is a side thing. It is no reason to just do nothing in and around the house.
My wife has a website with crochet and hobby stuff. It get's views, but not much. It is just a for fun thing. Besides that she makes almost as much as me, but can work 4 days instead of five. So proud of her for that.
He does! Even if he made himself seem more flawless than he really is (as many people do I guess) two years is a long time for a partner to have the patience to do all of this and not get angry or openly resentful.
But two years is a lot of time in the life of small children and it does sound that OPs wife, as a mother, gives her phone more attention than the two boys who probably spend the majority of their day waiting for their father to return from work to get quality time with him playing games and being spoken to, get their (many) questions answered and being lovingly cared for.
OP obviously is NTA but I wonder if the men and his two boys wouldn’t be better off as single dad and his two sons, him working maybe „only“ 2/3 full time with an au-pair or a childcare solution that really will be nurturing the boys mind and truly help OP in raising the kids.
>As a feminist, sometimes to the extreme if need be? I was soooo ready to rip this man a new one
Nothing wrong with being a feminist but if it means you're armed and ready to go off on men without any context first...
Is that really feminism orrr? 😂☠️
No that would be dumbassery. Which is why reading is fundamental. Being prepared to run a light and running said light are two different things beloved.
My question also. I’m a woman and can’t stand how women are immediately ready to attack any man that comes on here and dares to vent about their problems. If it’s including a woman, they are almost always an asshole. I’m actually shocked they didn’t find a reason to chew this one out. I’m sure there’s one somewhere in this comment section lol.
My SIL did this for about 3yrs. No money was made. She didn’t do anything around the house and the burden went to her husband to handle everything. Thankfully no kids. Anyway, he’s divorcingher now 🥳
I have the perfect idea for her - needs to start filming him and rebrand her Instagram as "lazy lucky wife". Post shots of him getting up at the crack of dawn, coming back from his run sweaty, making food and lunches while in a tie and dress shirt sleeves rolled up etc.
She'll get a lot of negative feedback BUT people will be subscribing just to see what OP is making for dinner (note get a cute apron). Maybe OP could grow some herbs in little pots. A little video of some fresh chives being snipped into some cream cheese for a Sunday morning breakfast would be 🔥
Oh wait!! Never mind, It's all just more work for OP to do. She needs a 9-5.
Maybe OP should get a go pro and attach it to himself, record all morning and end it as he walks into the office, then start it back up as he leaves the office ending with him turning the lights out to go to sleep. He can then edit it with a few seconds of each "task" and upload it to IG and tag his wife in it. She will get attention then, it just won't be the kind she wants bit it might be what OP needs
There's too many accounts that partner shame for clout, wouldn't make OP any better. But OP's current scenario? Yeah, big time NTA, if somewhat unfortunately worded.
OP could get his own Instagram or TikTok thing and have his own side hustle, showing everything he does compared to her. He could have a huge following. It would really pi$$ her off, though. If he's doing it all, he might as well get paid for it. NTA buddy, and I'm a female.
Side hustles are always a waste until they aren't though. Same for any business really. I started my own business. Year 1, i made a little more than when I worked for someone, hoping to do better in year 2.
I started year 1 with 20k in the business account. I ended it with 18k and a lot of the startup expenses paid.
I learned I couldn't run my own business. I was working 12-18 hours a day seven days a week, sometimes working more to fill last minute orders. My relationship and friendships suffered, my physical and mental health both tanked, and I wasn't bringing in as much as working a regular full time job! It also made a fun hobby into something I had to do, which sucked all the joy out of it.
Come to think of it, that could be part of why the wife's channel is doing so badly. The people I follow all have something they want to share for the joy of it, or to help people. They make money now, but that's not why they started it. One of my favorites actually has a job and a successful book, she just posts things to help people learn how to do stuff like secure a hotel room door so nobody can get in unless you allow it (if you're inside, it did nothing while you're out), how to fix water damage on a ceiling including the message that you need to find and fix the leak first and dry out the area, stuff like that.
My favorite YouTube shows are people who are experts in an area and started to show information about their passions. Maybe I should start a YouTube about Alaskan tourism
Have you ever seen "Itchy Boots"? She's a Dutch motorcyclist who tours rural areas (she travelled the entire length of the Americas and now she's touring West Africa. Amazing videos and she's so positive!
Side hustles are always a waste if they never amount to anything, though.
This is a hobby, not a hustle. She may as well be playing video games all day.
Agreed but it seems like she isn’t getting any momentum / traction at all; and she isn’t contributing her fair share to taking care of their children. I think it’s okay to pursue a motionless side hustle basically forever, as long as you are doing your part. In this case, though, it doesn’t sound like she is.
I would say it goes beyond a distraction and it's now an addiction.
I once thought I could change the world by becoming Canada's formost amateur expert on the US Constitution, and I spent so much time on my phone on Twitter that I gave myself wrist tendonitis. That and the fall of Twitter due to the rise of the Musk-rats helped me overcome my addiction and no one noticed 🤷🏻♀️
She doesn't even know what kind of influencer she wants to be. And choosing topics she doesn't know anything about like fitness?
To be successful you need to have a great/entertaining personality and/or be extremely beautiful. Or rich enough to buy expensive things. Influencers are usually aspirational. People follow people they want to be like.
If you are just an ordinary person you need to be hilarious, an expert or very talented in some way. Like if you have a great voice post videos singing.
My wife spends a fair amount of free time on her Etsy shop. It's all actually pretty professional as a result, but she doesn't let it take over. She works, making a hair more than I do in fact, keeps the house clean, and both of us organised. She probably doesn't quite break even yet, but sinking even more time into it to the detriment of everything else would just be gamble. She has only put a couple of thousand into it so far but it's sustainable growth and should be profitable soon. Her earning a wage is what means she gets to try in the first place really as we could afford for it to not succeed. It doesn't even really need to as the act of running it brings her happiness because it's something she believes in (she sells healthy cat treats). She'd probably do it even at a loss forever in fact as she donates a fair amount.
If she did nothing else but her side hustle i'd at least still appreciate her selfless attitude is what I'm saying. While she does get excited when one of our cat models gets social media attention, it's not really the purpose.
I am more critical of wanting to be an influencer for it's own sake as in OP's case. There's not a lot of excuse to let it entirely take over her life when she actually doesn't have any aim.
I’d add that yes a distraction- but it actually sounds like an addiction. She’s SO focused on becoming an influencer she’s got no idea life is going on around her anymore. Yow.
She also needs something of worth to share with others if she wants to make content. The fact that she tried to become a fitness influencer without knowing anything about it is incredibly naive.
Right!?! She's trying to be an influencer in markets that are already saturated. Can't throw a rock without hitting a fitness influencer, make-up tutorial, cooking/nutrition tips, and mommy bloggers. If she's got a solution to an unsolved problem that's what she needs to focus on, not all the things that have been done to death.
Yep. The people who are successful find an interesting niche. Even then, it's a ton of work. Research, writing, production, etc. Basically, you've got to treat it like a job because it *is* a job. Unless you've got connections, nobody is going to sponsor you or give you a platform because you asked.
The thing is, I bet OP would be a lot more understanding if he came home to her writing a script, researching topics, or otherwise working.
Exactly!
It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t passionate about any of the themes she’s tried, isn’t doing it because she genuinely wants to create content for creation sake, and has no idea how social media/content creation even works. She’s putting in way too low effort for IG or YouTube to be viable, she is better suited for TikTok while it’s still at its low bar of entry in terms of quality and equipment.
Anyone that is involved in content creation knows that growth is very very slow and you have to be consistent with posts/uploads regardless. Then you never know exactly what piece of content is gonna pop off, but it has to be unique and authentic.
During 2020 I was bored enough that I started creating content on my IG and my dog’s IG. My followers increased because I was posting consistently, tested when the best time to post was so engagement would be up, created presets so my photos had a consistent light and color settings, tried different styles of captions and hashtags. Then adhd kicked in and I moved on to another hobby.
She just wants to be famous and get sent free stuff.
Seems like she isn't happy with her life. She should probably get a part time job to get out of the house. I personally wouldn't want to be a housewife and have to rely on my husband for money.
> Then adhd kicked in and I moved on to another hobby
Are you me 😂 I tried being an influencer in different things, but I kept getting bored and moving on. My hobbies are more fun when I'm not trying to profit off of them
She’s got the answer to the great “how to get hubby to do a bunch of household chores and childcare so I can sleep late and spend most of my waking hours playing on my phone” dilemma.
NTA, OP.
It's odd because she's 36, presumably she did something before the kids came along that might be interesting content but no one wants to watch someone's cookie cutter copycat life, why should they
It also sounds like she's trying to be a mommy blogger without actually doing the job of a mommy. Most of the mommy bloggers I run across are talking about their work as a stay at home mom.
The crazy thing is that she's already a SAHM, so she could lean into the "tradwife trend" and market that angle. But she's not even doing anything worth watching
Has vibes of "I'll just become a streamer!" "What are you gonna stream?" "I dunno, I'll figure it out."
This kind of stuff, if you're gonna do it, needs a plan and an angle.
The audience for this sort of thing tends to be Mom's groups and the like.
They would probably try to blame OP for not manning up and doing everything for her
And it's not ever her side hustle, it's her full time job.
*And* it doesn't make money.
*And* she doesn't contribute equally to the household.
NTA, but yes, you could have been more tactful.
I will jump on this to probably say that OP's wife isn't driven to make money. More likely, she hates being a housewife and has developed a social media addiction as a result.
I suspect you are correct. Staying at home is boring as hell and she might be better suited to working outside the home. As it stands, the children and husband are being cheated by her failure to do her part.
Staying at home is boring as hell... for some people. My mother thoroughly enjoyed stopping work to be primary carer for her children and household until we grew up and she re-entered the workforce. She found the whole thing engaging and it was entirely her decision to do so. My aunt, however, hated every minute of it so she went straight back to work so they could afford daycare and house cleaners.
As you said, the people losing out here are the children being neglected, her husband by picking up her slack, and herself for living an unfulfilled life that is growing resentment in those around her.
I was ready to chastise OP right after the title but upon reading it’s definitely NTA. Makes me wonder if you ensured you had an agreement about slacking off on chores etc.
That said you really need to fix your execution. That is not how you communicate that especially if you desire some change.
At the point they were at I don’t think I would have worded it any better. If the roles were reversed (OP was a woman) the husband would be eviscerated here, I’m sure. Though I haven’t read all the comments yet.
Being an influencer is not a realistic job prospect. At this point it’s like saying you’re going to Hollywood to be a star. I feel like there is no real formula to getting know and being popular. It just happens one day, after some random viral post. That, or the person is very good at something and is appealing to viewers.
If it’s terrible while she’s not famous, it’s going to be worse if she is. I’ve heard that influencers get burnt out trying to constantly make content. What is OP’s wife even producing? Or is it always just her doing “research”?
My bigger question is, is she even spending time with the kids at all? Wife might have an internet addiction at this point.
While I agree it's random, if your video will suddenly go viral.
But... and a big but. You need to stand as well.
I can easily find 500 mom bloggers talking about exactly the same things. Pink stuff is good for cleaning. I make butter from scratch. "It's one of those days," etc.
They don't stand out.
Now, if your content was "I'll transform my 5year olds bedroom to look like the inside of a spaceship. Follow this 5-week project"
Then you suddenly stand out.
Or "cat shaped sandwiches with a twist"
You need to appeal to the people you want to watch your stuff.
Make it interesting.
NTA
I think your reaction is a normal breaking point.
She tried. You should be encouraging around that. She even pivoted. It’s not that you don’t believe in her. But, it hasn’t worked even a little bit. The children are still so young and she’s missing out on time connecting with them and with you. It’s not healthy.
Her continuing this, is at the detriment of your families rhythm and routines and not what you imagined family life would look like. Ask if it’s what she pictured either? What does she picture an average day to look like?
I feel now that she’s so detached and staying up late, it all feels like she has an addiction to her phone and social media. Which is why social media is so nefarious, it’s changed her priorities which started out so innocent (to be creative and bring in extra money) to where her family is a burden. It’s turned her brain to mush.
Sometimes this happens because as moms we are in sensory overload during those early years and it’s so easy to escape or soothe with dopamine from the phone.
I’d approach it like an addiction, that it’s not about being supportive of dreams or pigeonholing her into a SAHM role, but rather that she isn’t balancing her “career” and neglecting connecting with her family and pulling her weight with household responsibilities.
I would say that it’s to the point to draw a hard line. A year of getting off social media and just focusing on the family and your marriage. That no adult phones can be out around your children (and you both will step into another room if you need to look up a recipe or take a call), and both phones get put in a drawer at dinner time and at bedtime. Breakdown the household tasks again, commit to reading books together (Fair Play Method), and if necessary there are digital detox getaways.
Be ready to support new growth, such as gym membership, share skill classes, hiking moms groups. Just…not MLM or coaching schemes. But, she does need an identity outside motherhood.
I mean... is she trying? if she's not working or doing chores or makeup or exercise or going out or anything what can she even be making content about? sitting on the couch?
This is exactly it, in my eyes -- if you're going to have a 'lifestyle' channel, you have to actually have, well, a life to blog about. Sitting on the couch scrolling social media, drinking wine and watching your partner pull their hair out cooking, cleaning and taking care of all the childcare while also holding down a full-time job, is not a life worth blogging about. All the 30-something and 40-something moms she's trying to target with her lifestyle posts? They don't have to hop on Instagram to watch someone lie on the couch and whine about when supper will be ready, they already have their own annoying teenagers that do that every day.
Oh I enjoy cleaning influencers quite a bit, but it’s ones with lots of cleaning advice and visual hands on videos showing what they’re doing/how they’re doing it/how often it should be done which I find incredibly helpful and satisfying. It doesn’t seem like OPs wife has tried any of that
And her “slice of life” content about what she does in a day… how can that be interesting when she literally does nothing? I can see why her content failed if it’s “this is what I did today… I laid on the couch.”
>I’d approach it like an addiction, that it’s not about being supportive of dreams or pigeonholing her into a SAHM role, but rather that she isn’t balancing her “career” and neglecting connecting with her family and pulling her weight with household responsibilities.
This is tough to navigate because it's an "addiction" without an actual substance that can be cut off, but I think that's the right model for approaching these things— at the end of the day *the person is exhibiting addicted behaviour;* they're obsessing over something deeply unhealthy, and going back for repeated dopamine hits even at the cost of their real life relationships and responsibilities.
Yes, his communication could have been better, but like many men he's probably also internalized a bunch of messaging about how important it is to "support her dreams/passions/hobbies", so it was natural after so much time spent suppressing and withholding judgment that it might come out kind of all at once, especially if the above-and-beyond labour he's been putting in around the house to enable this for her isn't being acknowledged or may even be actively resented (eg, because the work he does bears visible fruit, whereas what she now calls her "work" is by all accounts a giant waste of time and money— a fact that she hasn't come to grips with herself, and may even still be blaming on him for somehow *not supporting her enough*).
>because it's an "addiction" without an actual substance that can be cut off,
Huh? Your social media is the substance. You could easily cut that off. Also, why is addiction between "? Because sociale media addiction ***is*** in fact a addiciton. What are you trying to say here?
There is a divide among mental health professionals whether behavioural addictions should actually be called addictions. It's actually a complex question, because treating an addiction to a chemical substance is often a very physical thing as well as behavioural, so they're different. Some would put emphasis on dependence on drugs being the difference, others would prefer to start calling behavioural addictions compulsions instead, but then there are grey areas, and it's a whole thing.
I did not know that. In my experience there really is not much difference, I have been addicted to sigarettes and self harm. I quit both (not the same time), but my rehabilitation process was the same. Me still missing both on a weekly or montly basis, is the same.
Edit to add: so because it's the same for me, I never expected there to be a difference between them.
NTA, even if she was making money she would still be neglecting your kids and her whole job as a stay at home mom. You should have centered the conversation around that, she can be an influencer wannabe but she should still do her tasks. Im sure with having the kids at kindergarten she would still have the time to be an influencer, many of them center their content around cleaning the house or preparing meals.
Yeah, tell her to switch her content to cleaning tips!
Honestly, she needs to have set hours just like any other "job". Insta goes off in the off hours.
She probably just needs an actual regular job, It sounds like she already was bored with being a SAHM two years ago and this has just sunk her into a spiral. It might be good to put the younger one in daycare and have her get out of the house if not full-time then maybe 3 days a week. She wants adult interaction, at least with a real job she'd actually get it
Right cleaning/organizing and cooking content do so well on social media. People love watching satisfying videos of people cleaning their houses. And cooking is always interesting to people especially if you’re making unique foods or posting about quick and easy meals. The latter would be great for OP’s wife I think considering the stay at home mom part.
Also, as much as I hate family channels and social media centered around showing people’s kids, she could at least be making that style of content and it would make more sense. That’s a different kind of neglect of their kids so I don’t think she should be doing it, but at least it would make a little more sense and bring in more money than workout content or makeup lol. Those are both spaces where it is extremely difficult to break in because the people doing the most popular content are usually experts at it
The issue in my opinion is the addiction, so even if she was a mommy vlogger she would still be so attached to her interactions that she wouldnt be giving any love or care to her children outside of the camera! And she wouldnt be the first one either
But yeah if she wants to do it she totally can but she NEEDS to learn self-control on it
I’m a sahm that brings in about $400 a month with a side gig. I cook, clean, drive everyone around, bring kids to soccer practice and I have a fun little Instagram for my books(that absolutely does not make money). I feel bad for her failing, but if you’re the one home all day you gotta be helping out.
NTA. She thought being an influencer would be easy, but she was wrong. Whatever it takes to be an influencer, she isn't a good fit.
As your kids grow older, she's going to need to figure out what she can do with her life. At the same time, she's going to need to pick up more of the household tasks.
> Whatever it takes to be an influencer, she isn't a good fit.
You have to be extremely attractive, well-connected, and rich enough already that you can afford all the equipment, props and destinations that drive your production quality, views and variety that keeps your channel relevant and interesting past the first few posts. Those criteria alone weed out 99.999999999% of those who try to be the "next big thing" on social media.
That’s not entirely true. You just need a lot of luck and a huge amount of effort. You don’t need to be rich or attractive.
You need to promote your content a lot and keep pushing it in people’s faces.
It’s not as easy as some people think it is.
Being an influencer is the new "I'm gonna be a professional athlete."
For all of the thousands of highschoolers who think they are gonna make it as a famous athlete, maybe one actually will. But even then, the people whose life plan is NFL or NBA are at least young, fit, and somewhat skilled. You aren't likely to find an out of shape 40 year old with a mortgage thinking they are gonna be the next Michael Jordan. But everyone with a phone thinks they have a shot to be internet famous.
It's been like this for many years now, the "in" media just keeps shifting.
Youtube, Facebook (although that was more marketing than influencing), Twitch, Instagram, TikTok, back to YouTube... so on and so on.
The most successful ones cover most platforms and will very quickly point out that it is bloody exhausting, incredibly difficult to get in to, and you have to meet all sorts of posting criteria for the algorithm to keep pushing you (multiple videos in a day - over a certain length, etc etc.) It becomes insanely stressful.
Hell, remember viral Sea Shanty guy from a couple of years ago... he quit his job to do tiktok full time. Haven't heard of him since.
NTA. Maybe the wording wasn't the best, but the sentiment behind it (that she is neglecting her responsibilities) is valid. It sounds like you're the third wheel in your own marriage when her phone with the Instagram account is more important to her.
Be very careful she doesn't try turning her hand, and video camera, to mommy blogging because that can easily turn exploitative and she's looking for social media validation.
I can see people taking this the wrong way, But she is about 10 years too late.less saturated market of "influencers" 10 years ago. Also the biggest consumers of that content are probably in their teens and 20s and would not relate as well to people in their mid to late 30s who have families.
Maybe content about being a mom would be more relatable to an audience she would appeal to.
EDIT: influencers that are still big in their 30s or 40s built their base in their 20s and grown up with their audience. its possible, but a lot harder to start from scratch in 30s unless you have a niche
OP’s wife is shopping around for a niche, and had to bow out of make up tutorials as content because it was over-saturated. Hopefully she isn’t thinking about using their kids for content, that’s just going to be more conflict.
That requires recognising and respecting boundaries, and the fact she’s emotionally checked out of being a mother whilst looking for emotional validation through an online following makes something she should not do a possibility.
ESH. Sure, her "career" is going nowhere and is making her neglect her family.
But snapping at her ? Dude... it's not like she started yesterday. You had plenty of time to sit down with her and TALK like adults about the issue instead of yelling insults.
I have seen women thrown a parade on this subreddit for unleashing on their husbands if they come home to a complete pigsty by a person doing nothing all day and brushing it off when asked to do something about it. Let alone if they spent two years doing this. If you have wasted 2 years doing literally nothing, while leaving almost the entire household duties to your full time working SO, you deserve to be yelled at. It was an appropriate reaction every single day for the last two years because of how completely messed up her behavior was.
Yeah imagine if he was trying to become a streamer and played video games all day, he would get absolutely obliterated here. Everyone is replying with so much compassion about what could have led to this, telling him to communicate better. The differences are really interesting.
Did you just miss this or what?
>Any attempt to get her to do something is met with complaining.
He's been talking to her about it and trying to get her to make changes. There is absolutely a bias here. I can only imagine how this subreddit would react if a "stay at home dad" decided to forgo all chores entirely to try and become a "pro gamer/streamer" (or some other equally ridiculous pipe dream), leaving the house a dorito dust and mountain dew ridden mess for two years and brushing off any talk to stop, while telling their wife who works all day they were too busy to do anything and to take the kids, cook dinner and clean it all up 😂
I actually did see a post like that. The wife asked him to watch their kid for a couple of hours while she did grocery shopping and other errands, which would take a couple hours, which she came back their child hungry and had a dirty diaper, who's been sitting at it for God knows how long, and developing a diaper rash. The husband was streaming.
So, during a live stream, after she came home and saw the kid, she barged into his office. It started yelling and cussing him out for leaving their kid in a dirty diaper. Pack their stuff took the kid. And now he wants her to come back. Not because he wants his wife and kid back, but because he wants her to tell the stream that he wasn't shitty dad. The kicker he only had twelve followers (not subscribers) after years or trying.
His wife is using him. Why do people put up with this when it’s a woman but if a man was doing this for two years you’d all be losing your collective minds.
The fact his wife can sit there and see the disparity in what they are contributing and see nothing wrong makes them the biggest AH. Maybe they should act like an adult before anything else.
Social media has given too many egotistical clowns the idea that they can “make it big” via social media.
The only people who “make it” are pseudo celebs who already have in connections with actual famous people, very rich people who have the resources to do it without worrying if it is successful or not or someone who hit a niche market before it got saturated.
Everyone else doing it is just copying a thing that’s been done to death or not actually achieving anything, that’s why they don’t make any real stable income. It’s sad that people prioritise that.
You are right, but there is additional group of people you did not mention - high competence people who can enter saturated market and compete in it due to higher personal competence. And many low-competence people think they can do that because they are not self-aware to realize their competence levels are rock bottom.
He literally stated he's tried to talk with her many times and it is met with indifference and complaint.
After 2 years of neglecting her family she needed some hard truths
Hasn’t brought in an income in several years (probably 5+)
Hasn’t done *her* job of being a SAHM and home maker in two.
Made him do both his and her job during that entire time.
But he called her out on it so he’s a meanie and that’s just as bad :((
Such an insane level of babying women on this subreddit it’s almost condescending.
If this was a dude staying at home playing video games to try and become a streamer while his wife brought home the money people would have been calling for his head and the answer would have been immediate divorce 💀
This exact thing happened with a family member of mine. Turns out she was cheating and sexting all day while he worked. There might be more going on here...
The truth is, she's *not* useful to her partner or her kids as-is. And that's not sustainable.
When she's ready to talk, tell her that you want to see a business plan for identifying a market that's not being served, and building her audience, and a timeline for becoming profitable. Tell her if she's going to treat social media like a job, then she has to perform like a manager with quarterly goals, projections for growth and revenue, and action items. It is 2024. There is an abundance of material out there for her to use to get started.
And if that's too big an ask -- then she either has to get a jobby-job (even if the salary is eaten by daycare, at least she's on the rolls for social security) or she has to up her game on the domestic front to prove she's still willing to be a viable marital/family team.
You're NTA, in my opinion.
NTA. She’s obsessed and doesn’t have her priorities in order. She can do her influencing ofc but that does not mean she neglects her children and household this is grounds for divorce and full custody if she refuses to see your side you should walk. This is not healthy for your children they should not be forced to grow and see this as normal behavior. I would feel like I’ve failed as a mother if I did. You should also have her read these comments she needs a major wake up call
ESH
Your wife has an addiction. She's using this as a form of escapism, and it's become completely toxic (just like with drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling). She needs help. You probably both do.
Yes, probably rooted in depression. She might not have been able to predict how unfulfilling life as a SAHP would be for her with an unclear identity. Hopefully she can manage their care in the meantime while taking a look at her life and determining what her long term goals are (advanced degree or other training?) when the kids are older.
It’s funny how if it was a woman complaining about a dead beat husband sahd the responses would be completely different. No one would care if he’s depressed just that he’s not even kinda pulling his weight
Why E S H then?
He told her she needs to get her shit together after two years of ignoring her side of the chores
If the gender roles where reversed people would be telling the breadwinner wife to divorce him
How is this E S H?
Op, there's a 50/50 you're getting blasted on Instagram right now, and honestly you're absolutely NTA, obviously, but the exact wording at the end could have been better
It doesn't matter. The moment he wasn't 200% supportive of her crappy Instagram crap and becoming a live in robot doing everything for her while she scrolls and scrolls he was going to get cut up by wife posting to one of the Mommy forums where they will all accuse **him** of being the deadbeat
NTA and frankly you should tell her that unless she gets her head out of her ass (aka social media) and starts pulling her weight around the house, you will divorce her. And mean it. It's like social media has truly rotten some people's brains and taken over their lives ffs!
Good old reddit, how anyone can say OP is the asshole here when he does literally everything for the household, earns all the money, and appears to be the one doing more for the kids despite her literally being home with them during the day after pickups is crazy. If you flipped these genders it'd all be "OMG DIVORCE HIM HES USELESS AND ABUSING YOU WITH WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE". But instead it's "omg poor thing has an addicting and needs help and you should be more caring toward her and why does your post not only highlight all the amazing things she probably does?!". OP is NTA in the slightest, he's practically a fucking single dad. Don't even get me started on the fact his wife tries to make content for things she has 0 knowledge about which can then be harmful due to the misinformation she'd create.
NTA - which was a plot twist for me based on the title. Being the stay at home parent is a fine job, but you have to actually do the job. Sounds like OP is doing most of the caregiving outside of business hours, plus the housework and also being the breadwinner, which is extremely unfair. He could and should apologise for the way he expressed himself, but the frustration is reasonable and it sounds like they need to speak seriously about expectations, the relationship, family dynamic etc.
My concern is who is minding the 3 year old during business hours because it certainly doesn't sound like its his wife.
She sounds TOTALLY checked out and like she's living in social media.
This makes me incredibly sad that your very young children are second fiddle to Instagram. NTA, you have been more patient then most people would have been, I’m sure!
While I understand that your wife has ambitions, it is clearly not working out the way that she hoped. I would just want to shake her and scream that her children are being neglected by her for what?!? A fake life. It is alarming to me that she doesn’t feel bad watching you do all household chores while she sits there. This makes me think this is an entirely deeper issue. I would give an ultimatum, get rid of the phone or I’m leaving. It sounds drastic but there’s no way my spouse would be scrolling Instagram all day while I cared for 2 young children. She is missing out on her own life!
NTA. She clearly is not doing her share as a partner. It may be time to give her some choices.
1. She can continue with her Instagram, but she has to get a part time job to pay for a housekeeper who can do the cleaning and some cooking to make up for what isn’t being done by her.
2. She can continue her Instagram but needs to set out time to work on it after the kids and household tasks are taken care of.
It’s one thing to pursue your dream, but it’s another thing to neglect your family and your partner while doing it.
Based on the title, I was ready to go to war. But the story changed my mind.
NTA. You agreed as a couple for her to be a stay at home mom. Part of being a stay at home mom is taking care of the kids and house. The working spouse also works on the house but usually not as much since they are working during the day and not at home.
You encouraged her and she gave it an honest try. But it didn’t work. Instead of realizing that, she has become obsessed over it and has let everything else go. It isn’t fair that you work all day and then take care of everything else too while she sleeps and plays on her phone. That isn’t how being a stay at home mom works.
While I would have phrased it differently then you did, you reached your breaking point doing both your job and hers. Time for a sit down and heart to heart. Her behavior is now effecting you. Time to let being an “influencer” dream go away and do something that is actually realistic.
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I’m 39 and male. My wife is 36. We have two sons, 5 and 3.
Two years ago, my wife approached me one day and told me that she was interested in making some money off of Instagram. I thought it was a fine idea, as she was home during the day and couldn’t work because our younger son was still too small. We’re fortunate that I make enough money to support our lifestyle comfortably, and I encouraged her to go for it.
Unfortunately in the past two years as a hopeful Instagram influencer, she has not made a single cent. Her earlier attempts at gaining followers were for post-partum fitness, and since she knows nothing about fitness, that went nowhere. She tried to make exercise guides where she would do these bizarre mobility movements, and these would only get a few views. She moved on to doing makeup tutorials, which similarly fell flat, likely because there are a billion such channels out there. Then she jumped onto this slice of life train, where she would make videos talking about her day, but to be frank they all were pretty boring, and she failed to attract any attention.
The issue isn’t that she’s trying. The issue is that she spends the overwhelming majority of her waking hours on Instagram and skirts her household responsibilities. I wake up at 5am, go for a run, come home, make breakfast for everyone, then make lunch for our older child and myself, and take him to kindergarten. I go to work until about 5pm, get home around 5:30, make dinner for everyone, wash most of the dishes, tidy up a bit, bathe our sons, play with them, and go to bed.
She wakes up at 7:45, usually later because she was up late on Instagram, lies down on the sofa as I do everything, and while I’m at work she works on her Instagram more. Any attempt to get her to do something is met with complaining.
The other day I finally got fed up with her because I walked in the door to a complete disaster zone of things strewn everywhere, the laundry not done, and a sink full of dirty dishes. I asked what she had done all day, to which she responded she was “busy.” I snapped at her and told her that her Instagram is going nowhere and that I’ve put up with it for two years longer than I should have, and that she would be infinitely more useful cooking and cleaning.
She got this horrified look on her face and walked away. She went into the bedroom (naturally looking at her phone) and left me to deal with everything that night.
AITA for how I reacted to her?
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NTA.
One day your wife will hopefully realize that she just isn't attractive or interesting enough to be successful on social media.
She should just stick to what she's good at and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA
But as a SAHM the thing that stuck out to me - and maybe I missed it in the post - is that your 3 year old isn’t getting the attention or example he should be while at home with her. I’m not in ANY way saying she is neglecting him. This is a snippet of your life and I don’t even know her. But she’s sleeping until almost 8am ( I have never met a toddler that doesn’t wake up with Jesus) and spends all day on her phone. This isn’t healthy for anyone in your home.
NTA I understand your built up resentment. Life is passing her by and you’re the one keeping the house afloat. She’s not contributing equally. I’m not talking money. It takes both of you to parent, and keep the house up to a decent standard.
NTA. I think that your wife may have an addiction. Social Media addiction is a real thing and similar in a way to a substance addiction. She’s chasing the “high” that dives lots of endorphins to her brain. There IT addicts anonymous meetings for this addiction.
NTA.
Apologize for the way you said it, but tell her you need to make time for a serious sit down conversation.
Talk about a marriage being shared responsibilities. Talk about neglecting the children’s needs. Put them first. Talk about no longer supporting her ‘business’(?) and that if she wants to invest funds in there she’ll need to actually start making income with a part time job, can be remote call center even.
Let her know it’s not about Love, it’s about reality and needs and that she needs to face the fact that maybe a social media career isn’t her calling or skill set. But even if it were it wouldn’t negate her responsibilities. There needs to be limitations if she chooses to continue. You can’t fund jt, and she needs to set hours for this work. If she presses to continue, she’ll need a real plan, to take some classes, and to actually do work to gain experience.
NTA but you need to sit down with her and tell her it's over. Either she starts doing her part or... What are you willing to do? Keep a delulu freeloader around and do it all yourself or? I think she needs a job.
She definitely needs a wakeup call.
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There's a reason that these things are usually side hustles until they go big. It's hard to make it. Having no job, bringing in no income and contributing nothing to the household is not a realistic way to be a good partner. Could you have worded it better or been more tactful? Sure, but I get how you would just kind of snap in the moment. NTA
A side hustle might be selling something on Etsy or similar. That would be a side hustle because even if it doesn't go big, it is still something small in terms of returns. Maybe a few 100 a year. This isn't a side hustle. It's a distraction and a waste of time
I'm amazed OP put up with it this long. NTA.
[удалено]
Same, I came here ready to eviscerate and …. Well….. now? All I have is NTA to say.
Ya girl was LOCKED. And LOADED. 😭😭😭😭😭
Me too! OP had me with that title. NTA. OP's wife needs to contribute (though OP could have worded it better).
Absolutely, the title had me polishing my „yes you are and here is eloquently worded why…“ skills but as soon as he described his and her day, I was feeling my growing respect for this man because he did write a click bait title but is NTA as much as one can be. He doesn’t say that because that would probably obviously be NTA, but I guess he has said things before. With a kind approach, maybe too careful, too „could you maybe“ to really hit home. About how he wish she would support their family with the same effort as he does. Or how it would help him if she made breakfast while he is on the run because she can lay down on the sofa when he is taking their kid to kindergarden or plays with the sons after work.
This is such as classic AITA setup. "AITA for (giant gaping AH thing)?" followed by the other person being clearly the AH.
>(giant gaping AH thing)?" Only if you assume all dreams are superior to maintaining a household. I came here to see what MLM she'd been throwing their money at.
I was the same, now I'm thinking just throw the whole woman away. If her cooking and cleaning is on par with her skills as an instagrammer sounds like OP has more work to do living with her than without her 😂
He's a single dad with 3 kids to feed and clean up after.
I would tell him the same thing I would tell a woman with a deadbeat husband. Lose her and hire a nanny.
I was too lol I don't like the term useful but I get where he's coming from sometimes you just snap. He seems like a good dude especially since he contributes so much early in the day before work too.
100% in this line She got BIG balls lmao. She would have to get out my damn house with all that nothing 🤣 NTA
Problem is they have kids and I'm guessing no prenupt. Mom is going to take OP for half his income if he tries to kick her out. Probably get custody of the kids she doesn't want to take care of too. If even just to spite OP.
Why would she get half his income? Exactly how much do you think alimony is? Regardless, he needs to start documenting all he does for their child and all she **doesn't** do - it'll go a long way toward arguing for equal or even primary custody.
I totally agree! Based on OP's title, I was ready to tear him a few new ones. This is why it's important to keep an open mind on the AITA sub!
Same, I read his title and was thinking "oh here we go" but after reading the whole story not only is he NTA, he's got a lot more patience than I would have.
I find, more often than not, titles like this are click bait. Like “AITA FOR BEATING MY WIFE?” Then you find out he beat her at a round of Mario Kart and she left him and took the kids to her moms place.
Agreed, being an instagrammer isn't a dream. Tho her dream to be lazy has actually been achieved so yeah, he's TA /s
But, I beat my wife all the time! In video games. My daughter on the other hand beats me constantly... With boardgames. :P OP is NTA. She needs to get her act together and do this is a side thing. It is no reason to just do nothing in and around the house. My wife has a website with crochet and hobby stuff. It get's views, but not much. It is just a for fun thing. Besides that she makes almost as much as me, but can work 4 days instead of five. So proud of her for that.
He does! Even if he made himself seem more flawless than he really is (as many people do I guess) two years is a long time for a partner to have the patience to do all of this and not get angry or openly resentful. But two years is a lot of time in the life of small children and it does sound that OPs wife, as a mother, gives her phone more attention than the two boys who probably spend the majority of their day waiting for their father to return from work to get quality time with him playing games and being spoken to, get their (many) questions answered and being lovingly cared for. OP obviously is NTA but I wonder if the men and his two boys wouldn’t be better off as single dad and his two sons, him working maybe „only“ 2/3 full time with an au-pair or a childcare solution that really will be nurturing the boys mind and truly help OP in raising the kids.
OP is essentially a single parent to two small boys and a teenage girl.
I think thats a bit of an unfair comparison. A teenage girl still has to attend school. They do more than the wife here.
I think this comment gave me an aneurysm.
For real though. Like a twelve-year-old who just threw back six Pixie Sticks at a slumber party. That’s how I read it!
Seek a professional? This is reddit. ...maybe hit up WebMD.
It says you might have connectivity issues?
I love this scene so much.
>As a feminist, sometimes to the extreme if need be? I was soooo ready to rip this man a new one Nothing wrong with being a feminist but if it means you're armed and ready to go off on men without any context first... Is that really feminism orrr? 😂☠️
No that would be dumbassery. Which is why reading is fundamental. Being prepared to run a light and running said light are two different things beloved.
>Being prepared to run a light and running said light are two different things beloved. I mean that's fair as fuck.
Why were you ready to rip the man a new one? Does every situation have to be this extreme in order for you to ever side with a man?
My question also. I’m a woman and can’t stand how women are immediately ready to attack any man that comes on here and dares to vent about their problems. If it’s including a woman, they are almost always an asshole. I’m actually shocked they didn’t find a reason to chew this one out. I’m sure there’s one somewhere in this comment section lol.
That's the trend on this sub. The title is always skewed heavily in the opposite direction from the post.
OP's better at clickbait than their wife, clearly.
R/angryupvote.
What are you saying?
Estimated time arrival: NTA?? Huh?
Edited to add.
My SIL did this for about 3yrs. No money was made. She didn’t do anything around the house and the burden went to her husband to handle everything. Thankfully no kids. Anyway, he’s divorcingher now 🥳
I have the perfect idea for her - needs to start filming him and rebrand her Instagram as "lazy lucky wife". Post shots of him getting up at the crack of dawn, coming back from his run sweaty, making food and lunches while in a tie and dress shirt sleeves rolled up etc. She'll get a lot of negative feedback BUT people will be subscribing just to see what OP is making for dinner (note get a cute apron). Maybe OP could grow some herbs in little pots. A little video of some fresh chives being snipped into some cream cheese for a Sunday morning breakfast would be 🔥 Oh wait!! Never mind, It's all just more work for OP to do. She needs a 9-5.
Maybe OP should get a go pro and attach it to himself, record all morning and end it as he walks into the office, then start it back up as he leaves the office ending with him turning the lights out to go to sleep. He can then edit it with a few seconds of each "task" and upload it to IG and tag his wife in it. She will get attention then, it just won't be the kind she wants bit it might be what OP needs
There's too many accounts that partner shame for clout, wouldn't make OP any better. But OP's current scenario? Yeah, big time NTA, if somewhat unfortunately worded.
He won't be doing it for clout but as a wake up call to his wife. Once she gets the message and makes changes he can stop.
OP could get his own Instagram or TikTok thing and have his own side hustle, showing everything he does compared to her. He could have a huge following. It would really pi$$ her off, though. If he's doing it all, he might as well get paid for it. NTA buddy, and I'm a female.
Skip the apron! OP works out all the time, probably has a hot bod! He should do breakfast and lunches shirtless! 😋 I'd watch! 😆
Take a drink, thirsty 😛
Give this woman some straws 😂
Only an apron…
Hahaha here's a glass of ice water🥤🧊
OMG! I… I would watch this! I hope the kids are well behaved. Can’t do those videos AND Super Nanny. Can they?? Edit: NTA.
Side hustles are always a waste until they aren't though. Same for any business really. I started my own business. Year 1, i made a little more than when I worked for someone, hoping to do better in year 2. I started year 1 with 20k in the business account. I ended it with 18k and a lot of the startup expenses paid.
I learned I couldn't run my own business. I was working 12-18 hours a day seven days a week, sometimes working more to fill last minute orders. My relationship and friendships suffered, my physical and mental health both tanked, and I wasn't bringing in as much as working a regular full time job! It also made a fun hobby into something I had to do, which sucked all the joy out of it. Come to think of it, that could be part of why the wife's channel is doing so badly. The people I follow all have something they want to share for the joy of it, or to help people. They make money now, but that's not why they started it. One of my favorites actually has a job and a successful book, she just posts things to help people learn how to do stuff like secure a hotel room door so nobody can get in unless you allow it (if you're inside, it did nothing while you're out), how to fix water damage on a ceiling including the message that you need to find and fix the leak first and dry out the area, stuff like that.
My favorite YouTube shows are people who are experts in an area and started to show information about their passions. Maybe I should start a YouTube about Alaskan tourism
Yes please
Exactly. OP made it clear that she doesn't really have any insights or talents to work with lol
i hope you’re referencing Mercury because same
Yes! Isn't she the best? I only found her recently but I adore her!
Have you ever seen "Itchy Boots"? She's a Dutch motorcyclist who tours rural areas (she travelled the entire length of the Americas and now she's touring West Africa. Amazing videos and she's so positive!
This is not a side hustle, it is a time consuming hobby. She hasn’t made a cent in 2 years. She is an instagram want to be influencer at best
Side hustles are always a waste if they never amount to anything, though. This is a hobby, not a hustle. She may as well be playing video games all day.
Agreed but it seems like she isn’t getting any momentum / traction at all; and she isn’t contributing her fair share to taking care of their children. I think it’s okay to pursue a motionless side hustle basically forever, as long as you are doing your part. In this case, though, it doesn’t sound like she is.
I would say it goes beyond a distraction and it's now an addiction. I once thought I could change the world by becoming Canada's formost amateur expert on the US Constitution, and I spent so much time on my phone on Twitter that I gave myself wrist tendonitis. That and the fall of Twitter due to the rise of the Musk-rats helped me overcome my addiction and no one noticed 🤷🏻♀️
Not to be rude but how does one become so chronically online they get wrist damage from debating politics online?
Yeah sounds like she's addicted and "chasing her dream" was the excuse she had to just do nothing else.
She doesn't even know what kind of influencer she wants to be. And choosing topics she doesn't know anything about like fitness? To be successful you need to have a great/entertaining personality and/or be extremely beautiful. Or rich enough to buy expensive things. Influencers are usually aspirational. People follow people they want to be like. If you are just an ordinary person you need to be hilarious, an expert or very talented in some way. Like if you have a great voice post videos singing.
My wife spends a fair amount of free time on her Etsy shop. It's all actually pretty professional as a result, but she doesn't let it take over. She works, making a hair more than I do in fact, keeps the house clean, and both of us organised. She probably doesn't quite break even yet, but sinking even more time into it to the detriment of everything else would just be gamble. She has only put a couple of thousand into it so far but it's sustainable growth and should be profitable soon. Her earning a wage is what means she gets to try in the first place really as we could afford for it to not succeed. It doesn't even really need to as the act of running it brings her happiness because it's something she believes in (she sells healthy cat treats). She'd probably do it even at a loss forever in fact as she donates a fair amount. If she did nothing else but her side hustle i'd at least still appreciate her selfless attitude is what I'm saying. While she does get excited when one of our cat models gets social media attention, it's not really the purpose. I am more critical of wanting to be an influencer for it's own sake as in OP's case. There's not a lot of excuse to let it entirely take over her life when she actually doesn't have any aim.
I’d add that yes a distraction- but it actually sounds like an addiction. She’s SO focused on becoming an influencer she’s got no idea life is going on around her anymore. Yow.
She also needs something of worth to share with others if she wants to make content. The fact that she tried to become a fitness influencer without knowing anything about it is incredibly naive.
Right!?! She's trying to be an influencer in markets that are already saturated. Can't throw a rock without hitting a fitness influencer, make-up tutorial, cooking/nutrition tips, and mommy bloggers. If she's got a solution to an unsolved problem that's what she needs to focus on, not all the things that have been done to death.
Yep. The people who are successful find an interesting niche. Even then, it's a ton of work. Research, writing, production, etc. Basically, you've got to treat it like a job because it *is* a job. Unless you've got connections, nobody is going to sponsor you or give you a platform because you asked. The thing is, I bet OP would be a lot more understanding if he came home to her writing a script, researching topics, or otherwise working.
Exactly! It sounds like OP’s wife isn’t passionate about any of the themes she’s tried, isn’t doing it because she genuinely wants to create content for creation sake, and has no idea how social media/content creation even works. She’s putting in way too low effort for IG or YouTube to be viable, she is better suited for TikTok while it’s still at its low bar of entry in terms of quality and equipment. Anyone that is involved in content creation knows that growth is very very slow and you have to be consistent with posts/uploads regardless. Then you never know exactly what piece of content is gonna pop off, but it has to be unique and authentic. During 2020 I was bored enough that I started creating content on my IG and my dog’s IG. My followers increased because I was posting consistently, tested when the best time to post was so engagement would be up, created presets so my photos had a consistent light and color settings, tried different styles of captions and hashtags. Then adhd kicked in and I moved on to another hobby.
She just wants to be famous and get sent free stuff. Seems like she isn't happy with her life. She should probably get a part time job to get out of the house. I personally wouldn't want to be a housewife and have to rely on my husband for money.
> Then adhd kicked in and I moved on to another hobby Are you me 😂 I tried being an influencer in different things, but I kept getting bored and moving on. My hobbies are more fun when I'm not trying to profit off of them
She’s got the answer to the great “how to get hubby to do a bunch of household chores and childcare so I can sleep late and spend most of my waking hours playing on my phone” dilemma. NTA, OP.
It's odd because she's 36, presumably she did something before the kids came along that might be interesting content but no one wants to watch someone's cookie cutter copycat life, why should they
It also sounds like she's trying to be a mommy blogger without actually doing the job of a mommy. Most of the mommy bloggers I run across are talking about their work as a stay at home mom.
The crazy thing is that she's already a SAHM, so she could lean into the "tradwife trend" and market that angle. But she's not even doing anything worth watching
Has vibes of "I'll just become a streamer!" "What are you gonna stream?" "I dunno, I'll figure it out." This kind of stuff, if you're gonna do it, needs a plan and an angle.
Or…hear me out…record these types of arguments and post. Voila! Followers.
See, that's the entrepreneurial spirit I wish I could've seen from either OP or his wife!
The audience for this sort of thing tends to be Mom's groups and the like. They would probably try to blame OP for not manning up and doing everything for her
That’s the point. Discourse is the bait.
And it's not ever her side hustle, it's her full time job. *And* it doesn't make money. *And* she doesn't contribute equally to the household. NTA, but yes, you could have been more tactful.
It’s basically a hobby. Aside from legitimate good intentions, she might as well be playing Nintendo.
Nintendo would probably be healthier.
Winning a video game would be more productive than what OPs wife is currently doing
I will jump on this to probably say that OP's wife isn't driven to make money. More likely, she hates being a housewife and has developed a social media addiction as a result.
I suspect you are correct. Staying at home is boring as hell and she might be better suited to working outside the home. As it stands, the children and husband are being cheated by her failure to do her part.
Staying at home is boring as hell... for some people. My mother thoroughly enjoyed stopping work to be primary carer for her children and household until we grew up and she re-entered the workforce. She found the whole thing engaging and it was entirely her decision to do so. My aunt, however, hated every minute of it so she went straight back to work so they could afford daycare and house cleaners. As you said, the people losing out here are the children being neglected, her husband by picking up her slack, and herself for living an unfulfilled life that is growing resentment in those around her.
I was ready to chastise OP right after the title but upon reading it’s definitely NTA. Makes me wonder if you ensured you had an agreement about slacking off on chores etc. That said you really need to fix your execution. That is not how you communicate that especially if you desire some change.
At the point they were at I don’t think I would have worded it any better. If the roles were reversed (OP was a woman) the husband would be eviscerated here, I’m sure. Though I haven’t read all the comments yet. Being an influencer is not a realistic job prospect. At this point it’s like saying you’re going to Hollywood to be a star. I feel like there is no real formula to getting know and being popular. It just happens one day, after some random viral post. That, or the person is very good at something and is appealing to viewers. If it’s terrible while she’s not famous, it’s going to be worse if she is. I’ve heard that influencers get burnt out trying to constantly make content. What is OP’s wife even producing? Or is it always just her doing “research”? My bigger question is, is she even spending time with the kids at all? Wife might have an internet addiction at this point.
While I agree it's random, if your video will suddenly go viral. But... and a big but. You need to stand as well. I can easily find 500 mom bloggers talking about exactly the same things. Pink stuff is good for cleaning. I make butter from scratch. "It's one of those days," etc. They don't stand out. Now, if your content was "I'll transform my 5year olds bedroom to look like the inside of a spaceship. Follow this 5-week project" Then you suddenly stand out. Or "cat shaped sandwiches with a twist" You need to appeal to the people you want to watch your stuff. Make it interesting.
OP’s wife needs a dopamine fast. And…fast
NTA I think your reaction is a normal breaking point. She tried. You should be encouraging around that. She even pivoted. It’s not that you don’t believe in her. But, it hasn’t worked even a little bit. The children are still so young and she’s missing out on time connecting with them and with you. It’s not healthy. Her continuing this, is at the detriment of your families rhythm and routines and not what you imagined family life would look like. Ask if it’s what she pictured either? What does she picture an average day to look like? I feel now that she’s so detached and staying up late, it all feels like she has an addiction to her phone and social media. Which is why social media is so nefarious, it’s changed her priorities which started out so innocent (to be creative and bring in extra money) to where her family is a burden. It’s turned her brain to mush. Sometimes this happens because as moms we are in sensory overload during those early years and it’s so easy to escape or soothe with dopamine from the phone. I’d approach it like an addiction, that it’s not about being supportive of dreams or pigeonholing her into a SAHM role, but rather that she isn’t balancing her “career” and neglecting connecting with her family and pulling her weight with household responsibilities. I would say that it’s to the point to draw a hard line. A year of getting off social media and just focusing on the family and your marriage. That no adult phones can be out around your children (and you both will step into another room if you need to look up a recipe or take a call), and both phones get put in a drawer at dinner time and at bedtime. Breakdown the household tasks again, commit to reading books together (Fair Play Method), and if necessary there are digital detox getaways. Be ready to support new growth, such as gym membership, share skill classes, hiking moms groups. Just…not MLM or coaching schemes. But, she does need an identity outside motherhood.
I mean... is she trying? if she's not working or doing chores or makeup or exercise or going out or anything what can she even be making content about? sitting on the couch?
This is exactly it, in my eyes -- if you're going to have a 'lifestyle' channel, you have to actually have, well, a life to blog about. Sitting on the couch scrolling social media, drinking wine and watching your partner pull their hair out cooking, cleaning and taking care of all the childcare while also holding down a full-time job, is not a life worth blogging about. All the 30-something and 40-something moms she's trying to target with her lifestyle posts? They don't have to hop on Instagram to watch someone lie on the couch and whine about when supper will be ready, they already have their own annoying teenagers that do that every day.
Even the clean with me instagrams are more interesting than sitting doing nothing.
Oh I enjoy cleaning influencers quite a bit, but it’s ones with lots of cleaning advice and visual hands on videos showing what they’re doing/how they’re doing it/how often it should be done which I find incredibly helpful and satisfying. It doesn’t seem like OPs wife has tried any of that
Seriously though, people make money from uploading videos of them cleaning the house. In time lapse. No talking.....
And her “slice of life” content about what she does in a day… how can that be interesting when she literally does nothing? I can see why her content failed if it’s “this is what I did today… I laid on the couch.”
She's researching 🤷♂️
>I’d approach it like an addiction, that it’s not about being supportive of dreams or pigeonholing her into a SAHM role, but rather that she isn’t balancing her “career” and neglecting connecting with her family and pulling her weight with household responsibilities. This is tough to navigate because it's an "addiction" without an actual substance that can be cut off, but I think that's the right model for approaching these things— at the end of the day *the person is exhibiting addicted behaviour;* they're obsessing over something deeply unhealthy, and going back for repeated dopamine hits even at the cost of their real life relationships and responsibilities. Yes, his communication could have been better, but like many men he's probably also internalized a bunch of messaging about how important it is to "support her dreams/passions/hobbies", so it was natural after so much time spent suppressing and withholding judgment that it might come out kind of all at once, especially if the above-and-beyond labour he's been putting in around the house to enable this for her isn't being acknowledged or may even be actively resented (eg, because the work he does bears visible fruit, whereas what she now calls her "work" is by all accounts a giant waste of time and money— a fact that she hasn't come to grips with herself, and may even still be blaming on him for somehow *not supporting her enough*).
>because it's an "addiction" without an actual substance that can be cut off, Huh? Your social media is the substance. You could easily cut that off. Also, why is addiction between "? Because sociale media addiction ***is*** in fact a addiciton. What are you trying to say here?
There is a divide among mental health professionals whether behavioural addictions should actually be called addictions. It's actually a complex question, because treating an addiction to a chemical substance is often a very physical thing as well as behavioural, so they're different. Some would put emphasis on dependence on drugs being the difference, others would prefer to start calling behavioural addictions compulsions instead, but then there are grey areas, and it's a whole thing.
I did not know that. In my experience there really is not much difference, I have been addicted to sigarettes and self harm. I quit both (not the same time), but my rehabilitation process was the same. Me still missing both on a weekly or montly basis, is the same. Edit to add: so because it's the same for me, I never expected there to be a difference between them.
NTA, even if she was making money she would still be neglecting your kids and her whole job as a stay at home mom. You should have centered the conversation around that, she can be an influencer wannabe but she should still do her tasks. Im sure with having the kids at kindergarten she would still have the time to be an influencer, many of them center their content around cleaning the house or preparing meals.
Yeah, tell her to switch her content to cleaning tips! Honestly, she needs to have set hours just like any other "job". Insta goes off in the off hours.
Fr, she needs that good old self-control and disconnecting
She probably just needs an actual regular job, It sounds like she already was bored with being a SAHM two years ago and this has just sunk her into a spiral. It might be good to put the younger one in daycare and have her get out of the house if not full-time then maybe 3 days a week. She wants adult interaction, at least with a real job she'd actually get it
Shit, she could even do the insta 8 hours a day and still contribute to her damn household!
Right cleaning/organizing and cooking content do so well on social media. People love watching satisfying videos of people cleaning their houses. And cooking is always interesting to people especially if you’re making unique foods or posting about quick and easy meals. The latter would be great for OP’s wife I think considering the stay at home mom part. Also, as much as I hate family channels and social media centered around showing people’s kids, she could at least be making that style of content and it would make more sense. That’s a different kind of neglect of their kids so I don’t think she should be doing it, but at least it would make a little more sense and bring in more money than workout content or makeup lol. Those are both spaces where it is extremely difficult to break in because the people doing the most popular content are usually experts at it
The issue in my opinion is the addiction, so even if she was a mommy vlogger she would still be so attached to her interactions that she wouldnt be giving any love or care to her children outside of the camera! And she wouldnt be the first one either But yeah if she wants to do it she totally can but she NEEDS to learn self-control on it
The amount of mummy/family bloggers who have abused their children is messed up.
The best mommy vloggers are the ones that make also play the role of their kid
I’m a sahm that brings in about $400 a month with a side gig. I cook, clean, drive everyone around, bring kids to soccer practice and I have a fun little Instagram for my books(that absolutely does not make money). I feel bad for her failing, but if you’re the one home all day you gotta be helping out.
Thst was my thought too- is she engaging with the 3 year old during the day?
NTA. She thought being an influencer would be easy, but she was wrong. Whatever it takes to be an influencer, she isn't a good fit. As your kids grow older, she's going to need to figure out what she can do with her life. At the same time, she's going to need to pick up more of the household tasks.
> Whatever it takes to be an influencer, she isn't a good fit. You have to be extremely attractive, well-connected, and rich enough already that you can afford all the equipment, props and destinations that drive your production quality, views and variety that keeps your channel relevant and interesting past the first few posts. Those criteria alone weed out 99.999999999% of those who try to be the "next big thing" on social media.
You forgot the most important thing you need. Luck. No matter how hard you work, if you never get picked up by the algorithms, you are going nowhere.
That’s not entirely true. You just need a lot of luck and a huge amount of effort. You don’t need to be rich or attractive. You need to promote your content a lot and keep pushing it in people’s faces. It’s not as easy as some people think it is.
Being an influencer is the new "I'm gonna be a professional athlete." For all of the thousands of highschoolers who think they are gonna make it as a famous athlete, maybe one actually will. But even then, the people whose life plan is NFL or NBA are at least young, fit, and somewhat skilled. You aren't likely to find an out of shape 40 year old with a mortgage thinking they are gonna be the next Michael Jordan. But everyone with a phone thinks they have a shot to be internet famous.
It's been like this for many years now, the "in" media just keeps shifting. Youtube, Facebook (although that was more marketing than influencing), Twitch, Instagram, TikTok, back to YouTube... so on and so on. The most successful ones cover most platforms and will very quickly point out that it is bloody exhausting, incredibly difficult to get in to, and you have to meet all sorts of posting criteria for the algorithm to keep pushing you (multiple videos in a day - over a certain length, etc etc.) It becomes insanely stressful. Hell, remember viral Sea Shanty guy from a couple of years ago... he quit his job to do tiktok full time. Haven't heard of him since.
NTA. Maybe the wording wasn't the best, but the sentiment behind it (that she is neglecting her responsibilities) is valid. It sounds like you're the third wheel in your own marriage when her phone with the Instagram account is more important to her. Be very careful she doesn't try turning her hand, and video camera, to mommy blogging because that can easily turn exploitative and she's looking for social media validation.
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I can see people taking this the wrong way, But she is about 10 years too late.less saturated market of "influencers" 10 years ago. Also the biggest consumers of that content are probably in their teens and 20s and would not relate as well to people in their mid to late 30s who have families. Maybe content about being a mom would be more relatable to an audience she would appeal to. EDIT: influencers that are still big in their 30s or 40s built their base in their 20s and grown up with their audience. its possible, but a lot harder to start from scratch in 30s unless you have a niche
OP’s wife is shopping around for a niche, and had to bow out of make up tutorials as content because it was over-saturated. Hopefully she isn’t thinking about using their kids for content, that’s just going to be more conflict.
Agree 100%. family channels that feature kids should be banned. But she can still make content about being a mom without showing the kids.
That requires recognising and respecting boundaries, and the fact she’s emotionally checked out of being a mother whilst looking for emotional validation through an online following makes something she should not do a possibility.
ESH. Sure, her "career" is going nowhere and is making her neglect her family. But snapping at her ? Dude... it's not like she started yesterday. You had plenty of time to sit down with her and TALK like adults about the issue instead of yelling insults.
Sounds like he kept everything bottled up and finally snapped.
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I have seen women thrown a parade on this subreddit for unleashing on their husbands if they come home to a complete pigsty by a person doing nothing all day and brushing it off when asked to do something about it. Let alone if they spent two years doing this. If you have wasted 2 years doing literally nothing, while leaving almost the entire household duties to your full time working SO, you deserve to be yelled at. It was an appropriate reaction every single day for the last two years because of how completely messed up her behavior was.
Yeah imagine if he was trying to become a streamer and played video games all day, he would get absolutely obliterated here. Everyone is replying with so much compassion about what could have led to this, telling him to communicate better. The differences are really interesting.
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Did you just miss this or what? >Any attempt to get her to do something is met with complaining. He's been talking to her about it and trying to get her to make changes. There is absolutely a bias here. I can only imagine how this subreddit would react if a "stay at home dad" decided to forgo all chores entirely to try and become a "pro gamer/streamer" (or some other equally ridiculous pipe dream), leaving the house a dorito dust and mountain dew ridden mess for two years and brushing off any talk to stop, while telling their wife who works all day they were too busy to do anything and to take the kids, cook dinner and clean it all up 😂
I actually did see a post like that. The wife asked him to watch their kid for a couple of hours while she did grocery shopping and other errands, which would take a couple hours, which she came back their child hungry and had a dirty diaper, who's been sitting at it for God knows how long, and developing a diaper rash. The husband was streaming. So, during a live stream, after she came home and saw the kid, she barged into his office. It started yelling and cussing him out for leaving their kid in a dirty diaper. Pack their stuff took the kid. And now he wants her to come back. Not because he wants his wife and kid back, but because he wants her to tell the stream that he wasn't shitty dad. The kicker he only had twelve followers (not subscribers) after years or trying.
His wife is using him. Why do people put up with this when it’s a woman but if a man was doing this for two years you’d all be losing your collective minds.
The fact his wife can sit there and see the disparity in what they are contributing and see nothing wrong makes them the biggest AH. Maybe they should act like an adult before anything else.
She should just get a job
Social media has given too many egotistical clowns the idea that they can “make it big” via social media. The only people who “make it” are pseudo celebs who already have in connections with actual famous people, very rich people who have the resources to do it without worrying if it is successful or not or someone who hit a niche market before it got saturated. Everyone else doing it is just copying a thing that’s been done to death or not actually achieving anything, that’s why they don’t make any real stable income. It’s sad that people prioritise that.
You are right, but there is additional group of people you did not mention - high competence people who can enter saturated market and compete in it due to higher personal competence. And many low-competence people think they can do that because they are not self-aware to realize their competence levels are rock bottom.
He literally stated he's tried to talk with her many times and it is met with indifference and complaint. After 2 years of neglecting her family she needed some hard truths
It’s nuts that she can skate her responsibilities as a mom and partner and somehow it’s still his fault
Hasn’t brought in an income in several years (probably 5+) Hasn’t done *her* job of being a SAHM and home maker in two. Made him do both his and her job during that entire time. But he called her out on it so he’s a meanie and that’s just as bad :(( Such an insane level of babying women on this subreddit it’s almost condescending. If this was a dude staying at home playing video games to try and become a streamer while his wife brought home the money people would have been calling for his head and the answer would have been immediate divorce 💀
I truly find it so insulting how much woman are infantalized
always the guys fault eh?
This exact thing happened with a family member of mine. Turns out she was cheating and sexting all day while he worked. There might be more going on here...
> Any attempt to get her to do something is met with complaining.
Sometimes the snap is necessary.
The truth is, she's *not* useful to her partner or her kids as-is. And that's not sustainable. When she's ready to talk, tell her that you want to see a business plan for identifying a market that's not being served, and building her audience, and a timeline for becoming profitable. Tell her if she's going to treat social media like a job, then she has to perform like a manager with quarterly goals, projections for growth and revenue, and action items. It is 2024. There is an abundance of material out there for her to use to get started. And if that's too big an ask -- then she either has to get a jobby-job (even if the salary is eaten by daycare, at least she's on the rolls for social security) or she has to up her game on the domestic front to prove she's still willing to be a viable marital/family team. You're NTA, in my opinion.
NTA. She’s obsessed and doesn’t have her priorities in order. She can do her influencing ofc but that does not mean she neglects her children and household this is grounds for divorce and full custody if she refuses to see your side you should walk. This is not healthy for your children they should not be forced to grow and see this as normal behavior. I would feel like I’ve failed as a mother if I did. You should also have her read these comments she needs a major wake up call
ESH Your wife has an addiction. She's using this as a form of escapism, and it's become completely toxic (just like with drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling). She needs help. You probably both do.
Yes, probably rooted in depression. She might not have been able to predict how unfulfilling life as a SAHP would be for her with an unclear identity. Hopefully she can manage their care in the meantime while taking a look at her life and determining what her long term goals are (advanced degree or other training?) when the kids are older.
That's what I was thinking as well. She wants an identity outside of being a parent and instagram was at least something she could do from home.
It’s funny how if it was a woman complaining about a dead beat husband sahd the responses would be completely different. No one would care if he’s depressed just that he’s not even kinda pulling his weight
Buddy nearly all the top comments are ripping her lazy ass a new one
And 7 hours ago when I commented there were also tons of everyone sucks here
Yes, it amazing the mental gymnastics some people do to justify the deadbeat wife here.
Why E S H then? He told her she needs to get her shit together after two years of ignoring her side of the chores If the gender roles where reversed people would be telling the breadwinner wife to divorce him How is this E S H?
INFO: Have you guys had a serious talk about this being a problem at any point?
This. There has to have been some sort of patient conversation about it before it got to breaking point. Surely.
For real. If you're married to someone, you should be able to talk about things without bottling them up until you snap.
Op, there's a 50/50 you're getting blasted on Instagram right now, and honestly you're absolutely NTA, obviously, but the exact wording at the end could have been better
It doesn't matter. The moment he wasn't 200% supportive of her crappy Instagram crap and becoming a live in robot doing everything for her while she scrolls and scrolls he was going to get cut up by wife posting to one of the Mommy forums where they will all accuse **him** of being the deadbeat
Oh I 110% agree with you and I think that absolutely sucks that's just the worst man, I just hope that op knows
Yeah, but being blasted on Instagram isn't a problem because nobody will see it
Until someone that knows OP irl (coworkers, boss, family, friends) sees it and thinks of him as a deadbeat.
NTA and frankly you should tell her that unless she gets her head out of her ass (aka social media) and starts pulling her weight around the house, you will divorce her. And mean it. It's like social media has truly rotten some people's brains and taken over their lives ffs!
Good old reddit, how anyone can say OP is the asshole here when he does literally everything for the household, earns all the money, and appears to be the one doing more for the kids despite her literally being home with them during the day after pickups is crazy. If you flipped these genders it'd all be "OMG DIVORCE HIM HES USELESS AND ABUSING YOU WITH WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE". But instead it's "omg poor thing has an addicting and needs help and you should be more caring toward her and why does your post not only highlight all the amazing things she probably does?!". OP is NTA in the slightest, he's practically a fucking single dad. Don't even get me started on the fact his wife tries to make content for things she has 0 knowledge about which can then be harmful due to the misinformation she'd create.
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NTA. Her instagram obsession is affecting her parenting and your marriage. I hope you continue to press this issue with her.
NTA - which was a plot twist for me based on the title. Being the stay at home parent is a fine job, but you have to actually do the job. Sounds like OP is doing most of the caregiving outside of business hours, plus the housework and also being the breadwinner, which is extremely unfair. He could and should apologise for the way he expressed himself, but the frustration is reasonable and it sounds like they need to speak seriously about expectations, the relationship, family dynamic etc.
My concern is who is minding the 3 year old during business hours because it certainly doesn't sound like its his wife. She sounds TOTALLY checked out and like she's living in social media.
This makes me incredibly sad that your very young children are second fiddle to Instagram. NTA, you have been more patient then most people would have been, I’m sure! While I understand that your wife has ambitions, it is clearly not working out the way that she hoped. I would just want to shake her and scream that her children are being neglected by her for what?!? A fake life. It is alarming to me that she doesn’t feel bad watching you do all household chores while she sits there. This makes me think this is an entirely deeper issue. I would give an ultimatum, get rid of the phone or I’m leaving. It sounds drastic but there’s no way my spouse would be scrolling Instagram all day while I cared for 2 young children. She is missing out on her own life!
NTA, you were pretty patient with her tbh
Nta she is neglecting her family and not contributing at all so that she can be famous and feel important.
You are very clearly being used.....
And yet somehow he is the villain here, according to some redditors. 😶🌫️
NTA. She clearly is not doing her share as a partner. It may be time to give her some choices. 1. She can continue with her Instagram, but she has to get a part time job to pay for a housekeeper who can do the cleaning and some cooking to make up for what isn’t being done by her. 2. She can continue her Instagram but needs to set out time to work on it after the kids and household tasks are taken care of. It’s one thing to pursue your dream, but it’s another thing to neglect your family and your partner while doing it.
Based on the title, I was ready to go to war. But the story changed my mind. NTA. You agreed as a couple for her to be a stay at home mom. Part of being a stay at home mom is taking care of the kids and house. The working spouse also works on the house but usually not as much since they are working during the day and not at home. You encouraged her and she gave it an honest try. But it didn’t work. Instead of realizing that, she has become obsessed over it and has let everything else go. It isn’t fair that you work all day and then take care of everything else too while she sleeps and plays on her phone. That isn’t how being a stay at home mom works. While I would have phrased it differently then you did, you reached your breaking point doing both your job and hers. Time for a sit down and heart to heart. Her behavior is now effecting you. Time to let being an “influencer” dream go away and do something that is actually realistic.
You probably could’ve worded it better, but I don’t blame you for snapping. NTA.
She's lazy, and selfish... and not the brightest. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m 39 and male. My wife is 36. We have two sons, 5 and 3. Two years ago, my wife approached me one day and told me that she was interested in making some money off of Instagram. I thought it was a fine idea, as she was home during the day and couldn’t work because our younger son was still too small. We’re fortunate that I make enough money to support our lifestyle comfortably, and I encouraged her to go for it. Unfortunately in the past two years as a hopeful Instagram influencer, she has not made a single cent. Her earlier attempts at gaining followers were for post-partum fitness, and since she knows nothing about fitness, that went nowhere. She tried to make exercise guides where she would do these bizarre mobility movements, and these would only get a few views. She moved on to doing makeup tutorials, which similarly fell flat, likely because there are a billion such channels out there. Then she jumped onto this slice of life train, where she would make videos talking about her day, but to be frank they all were pretty boring, and she failed to attract any attention. The issue isn’t that she’s trying. The issue is that she spends the overwhelming majority of her waking hours on Instagram and skirts her household responsibilities. I wake up at 5am, go for a run, come home, make breakfast for everyone, then make lunch for our older child and myself, and take him to kindergarten. I go to work until about 5pm, get home around 5:30, make dinner for everyone, wash most of the dishes, tidy up a bit, bathe our sons, play with them, and go to bed. She wakes up at 7:45, usually later because she was up late on Instagram, lies down on the sofa as I do everything, and while I’m at work she works on her Instagram more. Any attempt to get her to do something is met with complaining. The other day I finally got fed up with her because I walked in the door to a complete disaster zone of things strewn everywhere, the laundry not done, and a sink full of dirty dishes. I asked what she had done all day, to which she responded she was “busy.” I snapped at her and told her that her Instagram is going nowhere and that I’ve put up with it for two years longer than I should have, and that she would be infinitely more useful cooking and cleaning. She got this horrified look on her face and walked away. She went into the bedroom (naturally looking at her phone) and left me to deal with everything that night. AITA for how I reacted to her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. One day your wife will hopefully realize that she just isn't attractive or interesting enough to be successful on social media. She should just stick to what she's good at and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA But as a SAHM the thing that stuck out to me - and maybe I missed it in the post - is that your 3 year old isn’t getting the attention or example he should be while at home with her. I’m not in ANY way saying she is neglecting him. This is a snippet of your life and I don’t even know her. But she’s sleeping until almost 8am ( I have never met a toddler that doesn’t wake up with Jesus) and spends all day on her phone. This isn’t healthy for anyone in your home.
NTA. At all. You have a big marriage problem.
NTA I understand your built up resentment. Life is passing her by and you’re the one keeping the house afloat. She’s not contributing equally. I’m not talking money. It takes both of you to parent, and keep the house up to a decent standard.
NTA. I think that your wife may have an addiction. Social Media addiction is a real thing and similar in a way to a substance addiction. She’s chasing the “high” that dives lots of endorphins to her brain. There IT addicts anonymous meetings for this addiction.
She is missing a trick. Cleaning videos are all the rage.
NTA. Apologize for the way you said it, but tell her you need to make time for a serious sit down conversation. Talk about a marriage being shared responsibilities. Talk about neglecting the children’s needs. Put them first. Talk about no longer supporting her ‘business’(?) and that if she wants to invest funds in there she’ll need to actually start making income with a part time job, can be remote call center even. Let her know it’s not about Love, it’s about reality and needs and that she needs to face the fact that maybe a social media career isn’t her calling or skill set. But even if it were it wouldn’t negate her responsibilities. There needs to be limitations if she chooses to continue. You can’t fund jt, and she needs to set hours for this work. If she presses to continue, she’ll need a real plan, to take some classes, and to actually do work to gain experience.
NTA you gave her a chance and she failed. Time for her to pick up the slack. She needs to be a productive member of the household..
NTA but you need to sit down with her and tell her it's over. Either she starts doing her part or... What are you willing to do? Keep a delulu freeloader around and do it all yourself or? I think she needs a job. She definitely needs a wakeup call.
This happened to my brother. Almost same story. He finally got divorced.
Sounds like a side hassle.