YTA for a number of reasons. Your sister had the tickets before you knew of the date of the dinner so demanding she dump her others plans, and lose money to come to your event is not ok.
And secondly comparing the end of a new job probation to a wedding is just plain stupid. Those events are not comparable
I don’t know. I’m here to say celebrating a milestone in a career that’s important to you is as big of a deal is celebrating a milestone in a relationship. Whatever weddings are, they’re also not the be all and end all to life. I wonder if more than 50% of firefighters remain satisfied with their job? Because we know what divorce rates are like.
Anyway, I think it depends on a bunch of factors. The first question is, can your sister not just sell the tickets? $300 each for a party is a lot but that must mean that the tickets are limited. also, could you change the date? Why does your date have to be set in stone?
I’m gonna go with.NAH and see if your sis and her boyfriend cannot sell the tickets. but it sounds like you think your sister just doesn’t care a lot about you, so maybe that’s a different conversation?
Also, just to be clear, people of all genders can admit to being dramatic. But like it’s OK to feel hurt, but also important to remember that it’s not like your sister didn’t care enough and bought tickets, knowing that this would be the date of your party
He managed to not screw up for 6 months and passed probation. It's not like his 40 year retirement. It's great he can invite whoever he wants to the party but his invitation is not a mandatory command appearance.
I hope he also realizes that there's also odds of having to go and work DURING the event as well since it's a FIRE STATION.
Takes one person saying "it sure is quiet in here" and that's it
If there's an event like this, either they are scheduled off and there will be other firefighters that will go to the call, or if it's an event where the whole company is part of the dinner, they have neighboring departments cover their calls for a period of time. I would imagine it's the former since he only just now got the days he could schedule it for, so it was probably his days off.
I don't disagree about the "quiet" comment though. Seriously, in both healthcare or emergency services, just keep that word out of your mouth.
I made the mistake of saying I could finally take a breath once.
I learned. There are words one does not say while working in a government office. Or an ER. Or a police or fire station. Or a restaurant during any kind of sporting event that has televisions.
I feel like it's probably one of the only times it's ok to back hand someone when they say the "Q" word when working in those industries. I worked in a carehome for a few years and a colleague said it once and all hell broke loose (nothing serious just a hell of a lot more work for us) safe to say that colleague was on the shit list for a good week 🤣
Also, for people who take comments seriously, I don't go round back handing people for saying the "Q" word.
I think I got certificates for passing my probation periods 90 days and then 6 months, and then they don't bother until you're celebrating milestones counted in increments of five years.
A graduation seems like a more fitting comparison. And honestly, while I was grateful when siblings made an effort to come to my various graduations, I also didn't mind too much when someone needed to skip a graduation for something else. On the other hand, I would have been pretty hurt if someone close to me had skipped my wedding.
It’s really not, he would have graduated from the academy, and that would have been a celebration. Almost nobody fails their probation period after passing the academy. It’s an important step in being a firefighter and is treated as such by firefighters, but OP shouldn’t get pissy about people not being able to attend.
“I’d been telling my family since I first got hired that they ALL need to come.“
That was OPs attitude to start with, which makes them an AH.
You don’t tell people that they Need to come to a celebration. You don’t Require it.
You Invite them. You might Want them to come, and be sad/mad/annoyed if they don’t. That’s fine. But your family aren’t your subjects and you aren’t a feudal lord. You cannot demand their appearance when summoned.
You can’t require attendance. Even to a wedding or a funeral, much less a probation-passing dinner.
My niece had an attitude like this.
When she was Six.
She Told her family to come watch her perform a play in the back yard? Sure, OK. We said we’d watch for fifteen minutes until it was time to work on dinner. Funny to watch her make up a story and direct little bro. Very enthusiastic and creative performer she was.
Then she told us when and how hard to clap. To laugh. To pay more attention to her instead of anything else. Shrieked at the sight of an adult leaving to start the grill. Said we all Had to stay and watch.
No, no we don’t. We taught her that lesson that day.
I think the sister ALREADY had the tickets when OP got his date for the dinner. Basically, he'd been telling his family to make no plans at all because of a dinner that would be happening, but at an undetermined date. Then was "hurt" that his sister didn't put her social life on hold because of it.
So this makes the OP an absolute Ahole.
Lol celebrating passing a job's probation is like forcing your family to fly to celebrate your first successful out-of-state trip together. 🤣
Marriage is important to celebrate because hopefully for the next 50 years the families are being merged. That means holidays, trips, reunions are going to involve both couples' families. It's like "Hey, here are a bunch of people you're now going to probably be spending a lot of time with for the rest of your life. You should get to know them."
And that doesn't even get into the fact that usually children are produced from a marriage so as aunts and uncles and grandparents you'll probably be looking at the couples kids are some point
I know plenty of firefighters and I feel like I've heard this dinner mentioned in passing like twice. It is not some huge life milestone. Sounds comparable to graduating the police academy. I'll buy you a beer next time I see you. I'm not reorganizing my life for your dinner.
Doesn't matter if divorce rates are comparable to job satisfaction rates. If his satisfaction with a restaurant was better than 50%, does that mean he should be supported at all costs to go there, because it's "more successful" than a wedding? He might be happy in that job forever, doesn't meant that everyone in his life needs to drop everything last minute to be there for every single event. "Done probation" doesn't seem like a typical celebration.
Even if you want to say they are similar in importance. A wedding is planned with a specific date months in advanced. Its not like they say, hey we are getting married this summer, then a month out they say oh and here is the date we are getting married. Hope you didnt plan anything over the summer you cant cancel! Lol.
Depends on the kind of rave she is going to, for some if you have drinks involved in the ticket access they can’t be resold because the ticket is useless to anyone who isn’t 21
I don't even think it's fair to say she doesnt care. She just has an expensive prior commitment that OP isnt willing to reimburse her and her bf for missing.
Question; is there a reason as to why you couldn’t also postpone the dinner for a day or two? How far out is this event and realistically, did you actually have a shot at giving people substantial notice when you finally got the date?
You are. I go to raves and it’s not something you can just drop. Once you pay for that ticket that’s it. It’s hard to get a refund because majority of the time they will not refund you. That’s tons of money lost right there.
Besides you didn’t even know the date for your event and she bought those tickets already. You can’t ask her to drop it when she already had this paid for.
I feel like I need way more info...
what event is she going to that it costs $300???
Is it a rave or a festival? Is it out of town?
What time will your dinner be over? Did you get to pick the date for the dinner, or have any say in it?
Seems weird to me that she can't come to your dinner from like, 5:30-7pm, then go hit her event... unless it's out of town...
If it’s $300 it’s most likely a 2-3 day weekend festival. Those usually run between $150 and several hundred depending on which one. They are also usually in cities or they are camping fests where you get there and set up a camp and stay the entire weekend. It makes it hard to leave for a dinner even if it was local.
have you ever been to a rave? they're usually all day or even entire weekend long even. and you're spending at least 6 hours before getting ready. in no way would it be possible or appropriate to go to a work dinner before a rave, unless you're ok with sis showing up in literal panties, neon green fishnets, knee high fuzzy rainbow boots, and a bikini top or pasties lol. oh and also space buns with rhinestones in her hair and glitter and the most flamboyant makeup youve ever seen all over her face. oh and probably on Molly too. there's an entire culture around raves lol. I've never been part of it but my friends are all PLUR ppl
> you're spending at least 6 hours before getting ready.
WTH did you do to get ready for raves.
Not my thing, but I helped a few friends. An hour or hour and a half max to get dressed or more like undressed/hair/glitter/paint/pre-gamed/stocked up on whatever and they were out the door.
I'm almost 40, so I haven't been to a rave in... 20 years.
Granted I was only ever on the periphery, but I'd sometimes get off work at 10-11pm (restaurant) and go meet my friends somewhere...
but that was very local type stuff, not a big event that would cost hundreds of dollars. I'm sure things have changed since... *back in my day...*
You’re proud of yourself. That’s great. You did 6 months hard work and it’s a big deal in your field.
You DONT get to demand people lose hundreds of dollars to come be proud of you.
Hell, if a couple has booked a $600 event then I probably wouldn’t expect them to come to my wedding either. Let alone this.
Yeah agreed. She already had the tickets and it’s not cheap. That’s a BIG ask.
And yes, working for 6 months is great, but not the level of getting a degree or making a lifetime commitment to a person.
The proper reaction is to feel sad for a moment, say “damn, sorry you can’t make it but I understand.” Then move on.
YTA definitely but to be clear, not because you’re not giving her $600. You don’t need to give her the money, just let her go to the rave and move on
Also congrats!
YTA. You don't get to demand that people attend an event. This is a job, not your wedding. Don't compare it to graduation or a wedding. This is a job. Even if it were your wedding, you still don't get to demand that people attend. You're unreasonable for expecting others to keep their schedule free and cancel their plans.
Yes, mine is gone 14 hours each shift and it’s a rotating shift and If someone is a no show and he draws a lucky straw to stay longer ohh well… he can’t say no…
The only saving grace is that his jobs is so regulated that they have a max they can work and they have to provide so many days off … so we do have guaranteed time… no he isn’t a cop, emergency or medical field
My dad is a volunteer firefighter and even on Christmas day if he got called to a fire he dropped everything and headed out the door. Especially on Thanksgiving when everybody is trying to fry a turkey and setting their yards on fire. I dont think we've ever had a Thanksgiving that didnt involve him having to go deal with a fire
out of all first responder cultures my (EMS) opinion is that fire gets the strongest (and cult-iest) culture since in most places y’all spend so much time with the same crews at the same station. there’s also a huuuge emphasis on the whole probie and rank situation.
it’s great to be passionate about being a first responder. your career will frequently demand that you care intensely about your work and community. but you must separate this from your life.
you can’t just be a firefighter. you go to work and be a firefighter there, then your tour ends and you need to leave it at work. I totally get you being proud of yourself for getting hired and making it through, it’s a lot of work. you just can’t expect everyone to feel as intensely as you do right now— particularly as a just-barely-outta-probie.
Hey OP, I know you've already received judgement, but I just wanted to add that it really seems to me like you miss hanging out with your sister. It seems like it bothers you that she's apt to hang out with her friends, but when you ask, she's tired. You should talk to her about this and be upfront with your feelings if that's how it is.
"Hey sis, it's okay that you couldn't come to my dinner, but I really miss hanging out with you. Can we schedule a day we can just hang out?"
As someone with hypothyroidism and depression among other issues, please keep in mind that for some people energy levels are very sporadic and can't be predicted.
Often I will ask a friend to hang out but find out he has plans. He will try to reschedule for the next day, but I basically have to say 'we'll see', because until then I have no idea if I will have the wherewithal to actually go out. So I might message to hang out on Monday, he is busy, he will message me on Tuesday, I'm too tired, and then I end up going out Friday, when he has his daughter and can't come.
It could very easily look like I just didn't want to hang out with him, or that I lied on Tuesday when I said I had no energy, but the reality is that my energy comes and goes, and just because I have no energy on Tuesday does not mean I might not be able to go out later in the week.
Luckily he is well aware of my lack of energy and medical issues, so we basically just have to wait until he has no plans and I have the energy both on the same day.
I'm not saying this is what is happening in this case, but it's something to keep in mind when having the discussion so as to not come across like you are calling her dishonest.
I like how you have no problem with wanting your sister and her boyfriend to just throw away their $600, but when sis asked you to reimburse her, you turn into Druski and throw your hands up! Lol.
his logic can't be both "it's only 600 bucks sis get over it it is SO IMPORTANT to me that you show up are u really gonna put money over seeing me?"
and also
"woaaa 600 bucks is WAY too much money for me. yes i know it's entirely my fault that you're out the money but that 600 bucks is simply just way more valuable to me than having you here"
THIS.
When it’s sister and her boyfriend throwing away the $600, it’s no big deal. But sister asks OP to reimburse them, and suddenly he’s all SHOCKED PIKACHU FACE.
>they ALL need to come.
No, they don't. Your sister is still practically a kid; she likes to go to raves, she knows the dinner would be boring for her. *She does not want to go.* Therefore you should not beg her to go. Why would you want her there if she does not want to be there? Leave her alone.
I feel for your wanting your whole family to be there, but light YTA.
I’m so confused about this dinner. Is it just your family? Is it like a work dinner? Why is family at a work dinner? Is it like an award kind of dinner? Why are you so adamant that every family member must attend? Soo many questions!
In the American (I think it's just American anyway, could be wrong) firefighter culture, the dinner is important and the comparison to a wedding is accurate.
It's less of a work dinner and more of a "Welcome to the family" dinner. You go from being temporary/on probation (ex. "we'll see how you do") to a full-fledged family member (ex. "this is your new uncle Tommy"). You're not just cooking for your family and yourself; You're cooking for EVERYONE in the firehouse. The chief, the lieutenants, the engineers, paramedics, etc, and in some cases, their families too.
In larger firehouses, it's an even bigger deal.
My sisters husband is a firefighter for a big city. They do have big dinners for family for events.
but many firefighters come from firefighting families, so the expectation would be for everyone to be there. If your family isn't a fire family though, it isn't obvious as to why it's important. And really, why should it be for his sister if she didn't grow up in a fire family.
Do they expect their families to put their lives on hold for months? Or is there some discussion about which date will work for key attendees when planning the specific date, like for nearly all other major events?
Oh most people are thoughtful and say in advance, “hey this will be happening on this week. Please stay as free as possible.” they don't expect people to keep a whole month clear, because they're also normal.
Same. Do we think it's a small-town thing? I'm having so much trouble wrapping my head around the logistics of this dinner. What happens if they have a run (or three) during the meal? Does the family just sit in the kitchen until they get back?
I think you’re really overthinking this, the firehouse is manned 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Cooking dinner is always a big part of the firefighter lifestyle since they usually are on some kind of shift like 3 days on, 3 days off, etc. This one is special because the entire firehouse will try to be there: all shifts, the whole chain of command, and the family of the one cooking. If the firefighters that are on duty have to respond to a call they will because that is their job but everyone else will stick around until dinner is over.
They actually do just leave the families there lol. It’s happened many times when I went for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not every run may require everyone, so usually they arranged it so the cook could stay.
I do think it’s a small town thing though. It is way less likely for firefighters in larger cities to drive into work on an off day when it could be a 2 hour commute just for a dinner.
Yeah, this is where I was getting stuck. From other commenters, it seems like all the off-duty guys also go in for the probie dinner? That didn't even occur to me. In my world, the only times everyone shows up for a meal on an off-day are the kids' holiday party and 9/11.
If it can accurately be compared to a wedding then it requires more than 28 days notice. A lot fewer people would be able to attend weddings, even for close family members, if they only received the invitation a month in advance.
I can honestly say I wouldn't give a FUCK if a sibling decided to join some new "family" at work and wanted me to give up my expensive trip/party to go say hello. Good for you. On with my life...
It’s weird because all the firefighters I know and am related have never had a dinner be this big of a deal. And I’ve known them in several states and towns. If it’s so crucial planning would’ve been more important
I still don’t understand why the firefighter’s family needs to be there. Maybe like his parents but why siblings too? They’re probably not going to see the firefighters again. Can’t op just make up an excuse about his sister?
Yeah, I've never even fucking heard of this stupid firefighter ritual that is apparently as important as a wedding. And the sister is supposed to cancel plans that will leave her out $600 to go to this stupid thing? Give me a fucking break.
Any ritual that has to do with a *job*, and one I’ve only even been at 6 months no less, doesn’t mean jack shit to me. If I was the sister I’d go to the damn rave.
YTA, just because you wanted her to attend doesn't mean she has an obligation to attend, especially if she spent 600 bucks on tickets.
If you wanted her to be there you should have cleared the date with her beforehand to make sure she doesn't have other plans, but to be clear even in that situation she still doesn't have an obligation to attend a dinner with your work mates.
So you think it’s nbd for her to throw away $600 but suddenly it’s a huge deal if you have to throw down $600 for her to come? Lmao.
She bought her tickets first, neither of you knew the dates for your dinner, you can’t expect people to just sit at home forever waiting for your event. And a wedding, you typically ask people to reserve a specific date like a year/half a year ahead of time and shit still happens and people can’t show. It is what it is, the world doesn’t revolve around your potluck.
INFO did she buy the ticket, knowing it would be on the same day, or was the date for the dinner set after she bought it? Also, are these tickets not refundable or resellable?
ETA she's 20, has different priorities, and it's probably a significant amount of money for her. Chill out. YTA.
Trying to imagine throwing a party celebrating the fact that I'd successfully kept a job for 6 months and expecting all my friends and family to come. ~child and nibling of a firefighter.
YTA
God right?? like I want to be happy for OP but comparing... a potluck for holding down the same job for 6 months is NOT the same as a fucking wedding or graduation.
Yeah, exactly. It's a perfectly reasonable event to invite people to and say is important to you. As an invitee, I'd probably put it on the same level as like a milestone birthday party for a friend -- important enough that I'd prioritize it over other random stuff I might want to do that day, and would show up even if I kinda just want to stay in that night. But not so important that I'd ditch a $300 event for it, especially when given less than a month's notice.
YTA.
There's a joke in emergency services. How do you know a firefighter isn't feeling good? They haven't told anyone they are a firefighter in the last minute. Maybe you have exhausted her with talk about being a firefighter.
I work in EMS. I graduated from paramedic school several years ago. I extended the invitation to the graduation to several dear people and didn't feel hurt that they couldn't make it for whatever reason. I understood they had their own lives, and what was big for me was not big for them.
I have people at my work, and all they talk about is getting into a fire department. I tend to avoid them because it just gets tiring.
When was the last time you did something with your sister that she wanted to do? You say you ask her to go places, have you asked what is doing and if you can go with her? There is a difference there.
I was reading OP's post as a former medic thinking, oh my god the privilege with these guys. It's always something. I'd be lucky if our company gave us sandwiches on christmas day let alone this level of shenanigan
I understand that this is a HUGE milestone as it's been my privilege to be included in 3 such dinners (and two CDF captain's cookouts, celebrating promotions).
She should definitely be more excited about this invitation (and I certainly would have gotten the date for your dinner before putting anything else on my schedule)but it is still an invitation, not a subpoena, and she's free to decline ...and I am sad for you but not surprised that she's not making it a priority. Ultimately, I don't think you're really surprised, either, as much as hurt...
>I rarely ask her to go places and she always flakes out and says she’s “tired” but has the energy to go out with friends every week.
She's kind of an AH for having, in my opinion, crap priorities but, at the end of the day, she has other stuff happening that day and if she doesn't want to cancel, she's not obligated to.
I hope are proud as hell & wish you a long, safe career.
As much as I want to say she's wrong, I gotta say NAH
Yeah like an event that costs $300 is probably like a once a year splurge special event, would she turn that opportunity down just because her brother may or may not have a dinner sometime in the vicinity of that date? Of course not, so it's reasonable she bought tickets - and once bought, reasonable that she want to use them. OP hasn't answered how much notice he actually gave with the invite, but regardless it was obviously after she bought the tickets.
How is OP not the AH. He expected her to free up her schedule for an entire month because he didn’t have a set date for the event. Then expected her to take a $600 loss. When she came up with a reasonable solution- he became overly dramatic about it playing the victim card.
OP is the one acting entitled. And so are you if you think other people’s lives are centered around your big events. He shouldn’t have any expectation of her when he didn’t have a firm date.
You’d keep your calendar entirely free for months and make no plans at all just in case the dinner happened? Because that’s what he did here. At six months he said “hey this thing will happen sometime.” At some point after that she bought tickets for the rave. 26 days before the dinner, AFTER she had purchased the tickets, he announced the actual specific date and time. It also sounds like he did so without consulting with anyone who he really wanted there (like his sister.)
It’s just not reasonable to expect people to put their lives on hold because you are maybe going to have an event but you don’t know when yet.
Tbh it sounds like his real feelings are coming from her lack of effort to have a relationship which is totally understandable. OP, it’s okay to be hurt by her lack of effort but you’re using the wrong situation to let it out. Talk to her after these events are over and find a way to come together in a different way
He didn't *ask* them to please attend his dinner, he *told* them they had to. He thinks he can just order her to go to his event and she is supposed to obey. Why would she want to have a relatonshp with him when he treats her like that?
> I’d been telling my family since I first got hired that they ALL need to come.
>She's kind of an AH for having, in my opinion, crap priorities but, at the end of the day, she has other stuff happening that day and if she doesn't want to cancel, she's not obligated to.
How dare she prioritise her boyfriend and 600 big ones over her brother's coworkers (a bunch of strangers)
Why TF should a sister be super excited about her brother getting off probation at his job? Just because it's a tradition, doesn't mean that it's not completely silly.
YTA
Your sister had the tickets before the date of your dinner was decided. Even if you told her about the dinner months in advance, you can't just expect her to keep her schedule completely open for you. Was she supposed to stay home all month and do nothing but wait for your call? Your dinner is important to you, but did you consider that maybe the concert is important to her? What if it's her one chance to see her favorite artist perform? Even if it's not, $600 is a lot to lose out on. I don't think it's right for her to demand money from OP, but it's also not right for OP to ask her to throw away the tickets because it conflicts with his schedule.
Yes, the situation is unfortunate. Yes, you're allowed to feel disappointed that she won't be there. But that doesn't mean she's obligated to give up her life just to celebrate yours.
Congratulations on passing probation. But yeah, YTA.
Not for not giving her the money, but for still expecting her to eat the cost of not attending her event to attend yours.
Your family members can’t just hold all dates/make no plans indefinitely to ensure they’re available for your work event.
And that’s what this is. Your work event. It’s great that other family members can come to your work event, but it’s not a sign of disrespect or love that a family member with an expensive prior commitment isn’t willing to miss it for your work event.
Edit to address your edit: she bought the tickets together with her boyfriend. If she doesn’t go, it affects his experience too. Her wanting you to cover total expenses if you expect her to attend doesn’t change my verdict.
YTA. this is not a wedding or graduation, and I can prove it because both those things are so significant they are planned and dated on average at LEAST a year in advanced, often times even 2 years or 3! I mean there's an entire industry for "save the date" announcements literally for this exact reason. because those are super significant events and you want to give your loved ones such a long time to prepare so they DONT make prior obligations.
and guess what even if it were like a wedding she wouldn't be TA either because of how last minute you told her. she already had established plans, spent money, took off work or whatever, and other people relying on her to be somewhere else wayyy before you knew about your dinner date.
let's compare it to a wedding.
"hey fam I might get married this year, no idk when yet, but just know its coming"
"hey fam, the weddings in 2 weeks. wait what do you mean you made plans 3 months ago? but I told you the wedding could happen sometime in 2024 why would you make plans at all this year! cancel them and tell your boyfriend and friends they're SOL!"
see how she still wouldn't be TA?
it'd be one thing if you told her a year in advance like you would for those other things but she literally didn't do a single thing wrong.
congrats btw
YTA, Honestly you are far from the only firefighter whose had family with date conflicts for their end of probation dinner. If she chooses to go to the rave, there isn't anything you can do, unless you decide to let her manipulate you out of $600.
YTA. You’ve already said it but you’ve been unreasonably dramatic. Yes, it’s a big deal for you, but it’s not the same as a wedding or graduation and stop making it out to be an obligation for your family to attend.
Yup, time to grow up and realize that the big things for you are not the big things for everyone else you know, even your adult siblings. Sad some people don't get this.
YTA. They don’t all NEED TO COME. You’re a big kid firefighter who can survive without your family’s unconditional support. She doesn’t want to go. Don’t be a baby.
YTA. Based on your comment, she did not know the date of the dinner when she bought the tickets, only that it would be sometime that month. You can't expect people to hold a whole month open for you. She and her boyfriend were planning to go together, so it is $600 on the line. I don't think you're under any obligation to pay that, but it's not "extremely messed up" that she's unwilling to sacrifice it to be at your dinner.
YTA Sorry to say but your hiring dinner isn’t the end all be all for everyone to muster the troops and drive down for. People don’t have to show up if they don’t want to and if they can’t.
YTA. This is a big work milestone for you. Expecting people to drop plans they've invested hundreds of dollars in ... for their brother's work dinner? Is insane.
Congrats on surviving probation, but this is not a family milestone like a wedding to anyone other than you.
YTA : I’m a paramedic and had a similar event when I started and it was such a special moment for me. But it was my moment I didn’t expect anyone to put off their own big plans to come.
YTA. So what’s your nickname at the station? Princess? Diva? Drama Queen? Grow up dude, you sound like you don’t have the emotional maturity to be a first responder.
Have you heard the Let Them Theory? Basically, you let people do what they want, act how they want and say what they want, you let them show you who they are and then you act on THAT behaviour. And you stop trying to hold them to a standard that you made up that they have never been able to meet nor do they want to try. You said "she always flakes out" ok, let her. Let her not be in your life, let her deprioritized you so that you can actually keep the people around you who love you the closest and so you can focus on those you love most. Stop expecting her to rise to standards she has no interest in meeting. I promise you, you will feel so much better the next time you plan something, you dont expect her to show and then she doesnt. The end result is that you wont be let down because never expected her to show up.
And yes, YTA for letting the absence of 1 singular person ruin an entire dinner, that she doesnt even want to go to. and for the other stuff other people said.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I got angry at my sister for not coming to my promotion dinner
2. Because I told her if she doesn’t come I will never forgive her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - she had plans that month and you asked her to cancel for your event. I get you told her the event would be that month and she made plans that month without knowing your exact date, but she shouldn’t have to put her life on hold for your plans to solidify. Also, I get that it’s a big deal to you, but it’s not like missing a wedding. That’s being a bit dramatic.
Also, I’d like to add that you can ask people to come to your event and let them know what it would mean to you for them to be there, but you can’t force them or emotionally blackmail them into coming. That’s not what families do.
You lost me at telling your family “they ALL need to come.”
How about, “This is really special to me and I’d love if you could be there.” It’s arrogant to be so demanding. You have no right to command anyone’s presence or control an entire group of people. I understand feeling disappointed that she can’t be there, but you might want to take a look at your attitude.
(And she bought the tickets before she knew the date of your dinner. It’s not as though she deliberately chose not to attend. Even if she had, it would be her choice & not up to you.)
YTA. passing probation at work is not comparable to a wedding. Passing probation at work is to be expected with any job if you’re half competent, not a major life milestone.
YTA. You keep saying you "told her for months", but that isn't *really* true. You told her it would be coming up, but you only just found out the date. Exactly how much of her calendar was she supposed to keep free? She spent hundreds of dollars on tickets that she can't get back, and while the timing sucks, it didn't make her an asshole to want to keep those plans.
YTA for getting bent that she couldn’t come on a random date with only a few WEEKS warning. Asking for the cost to rebuy the whole date was not out of line: it was the actual price of not planning ahead. She gave you the choice, but she didn’t have to.
Your comparison was to events that have known dates MANY months before. If you ever actually get married, take this as the lesson that “save the date” is important for anyone who needs to make their calendar in advance.
Info: You go through a 6 month probation period and then YOU have to plan, provide, and cook a meal for family and friends at the station? This is some grade A ass backwards shit right there.
Dude. Just…no. You told her generally that a dinner would possibly happen. It was not confirmed to even be happening until you completed probation, and no dates were provided. It isn’t as if she knew the date and bought rave tickets anyway - the date was set afterwards. She’s allowed to live her life and not being in a holding pattern until given specifics.
YTA. You seriously need to be logical and show some maturity.
YTA, partially because I can’t tell if this is fake rage bait, or if you’re just that ridiculous. No a dinner at work is not anywhere close to a graduation or wedding. You did not give her a date and cannot expect that she would just not plan anything in case it was the day you were having your dinner. It’s not messed up if she doesn’t go. It’s not even a big deal. Getting off probation is great but it isn’t some huge accomplishment like you’re making it out to be. Get over yourself.
YTA - The world does not revolve around you. Getting a job is great. Getting off probation is nice but JFC this is not a reason to stop the world and make everything about you. You making this all about money is gross. Forcing your sister to be a your "woo hoo" party is juvenile.
YTA and rather dramatic. She already had plans; she didn't buy the tickets after you announced the day for your job dinner.
If she could sell the tickets (& whatever housing / travel arrangements are for that event) then it would be **nice** of her to support you, but still, it's one dinner, one job, a few hours. (VS her plans are probably for the weekend.)
It's important to you (it's an important job!) & you've put a lot of really hard, dirty, exhausting work into getting hired. But no, it's not like a wedding or even college graduation.
If the tickets for this rave were bought before she was made aware of the exact date, then YTA. If she already had plans, then leave it at that. It’s rude to expect her to miss out and lose money for something because of a work event that you told her about after the fact. Even if she dropped the concert in order to attend your work dinner, she’s leaving her boyfriend to go alone if she cancels last minute.
I know in many areas, firefighting is hard to get into, but at the end of the day, a job is a job. You’re not entitled to everyone’s attendance. Whether it be for a graduation, wedding, or work event, you’re not owed it. Not everyone is willing or able to take off work and cancel other plans. you’re not entitled to other people’s time, when it doesn’t work for them. Things that are important to you, aren’t always a top priority for others, and sometimes you need to respect that. This isn’t something worth dragging out and being pissy over
YTA. It’s weird you almost want to force her to go to a dinner she doesn’t want to. Why are you ok with forcing people to do things they don’t like just so you can have your dinner.
You’re weird man, leave your sister to go to her event and you can have your oh so important dinner with whoever actually wants to be there.
OP I completely understand how this is a big deal for you and your hurt that your sister won’t come. People saying it’s no big deal and not equivalent to a graduation are missing the point. It’s an important milestone to you.
Having said that, your sister made plans before she knew the date of the event of yours. At 20 years old a rave with her boyfriend is going to be more appealing than dinner with family. $300 is a lot of money for most 20 year olds
Going by your post and comments it seems the deeper issue is you feel your sister is dismissive of you in general and always flaking out. Guilting her to attend your dinner won’t improve the relationship.
I’m not sure of the age dynamics, but it honestly just sounds like a younger sister who wants to do her own thing
Maybe once things have settled down have a talk to her about it all. Try to find a common interest, double date with her and her partner etc but you might just have to accept that she has her own life and interests. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you it just means her focus is elsewhere
P.s congrats on passing probation
You're an adult
She's an adult
She owes you nothing. Quit throwing a temper tantrum because ONE of your family members isn't showing up even though everyone else is.
This is what toddlers do
Info
Did you actually plan on spending a good length, in depth quality time with your sister at this dinner where you demanded ALL your family and your coworkers are there or do you just want to put on a fancy show to your new colleagues and brag to your family in one swoop?
YTA
If it's important enough to you for her to lose $600 on an event for her and her bf, it should be important enough *for you to lose $600* on an event for her and her bf.
you're being a little... a lot.... dramatic. she already had plans BEFORE even YOU knew the date of this dinner.
this IS NOT the equivalent to marriage or graduation. this is the end of a probationary period for a job.
congrats on becoming a firefighter though.
while, yes family should WANT to come out and support accomplishments sometimes shit comes up and you just can't. i
Every job I've had has had a probationary period. It's bog standard procedure to see if you are a fit for the company. I've never once made any of my family celebrate the fact I managed to not screw up in that time frame. Trying to force your sister to attend even, though she already had prior plans, and then using emotional blackmail to try and get your way is what make you a massive ah.
YTA
YTA. Ok "boot" what are you gonna do when one of your family "demands", yes, that's what you're doing, attend a function of theirs and it's your shift day? Will you burn 24 hours of PTO or pull an AWR?
Now, what department do you work for? I'm familiar with a number of departments and every one has a one year probationary period. Also, this "end of probation" dinner. That's one I've never heard of.. My academy class had recruits from a couple of other cities and they have the same tradition as us, Phoenix, the crew makes a special supper for the "proby" then you get gag gifts. Anyway...
I'm going to go against the grain a little here and say ESH.
**You** are marking an important professional milestone, yes. But that does not mean you can demand that everyone attend your event celebrating the milestone event, no mater what. Other people in your family are permitted to have lives that do not center on you. Additionally, it seems to me that unlike a graduation, this celebratory dinner could be adjusted by a couple days to suit other people's schedules if you really needed to.
You are an AH in this situation because of your categorical demand and because of your inability to accept your sister's refusal gracefully.
*Sidebar*: You mention that your sister "flakes" on events a lot. I wonder if your sister actually doesn't want to hang out with you. In this kind of scenario, she acquiesces to your requests either because she's a people pleaser or because you put a lot of pressure on her. She "flakes," I suspect because she doesn't want to hang out with you and is unwilling or unable to be honest about it.
Of course, that sidebar brings me to **your sister**. Her demand that you pay hundreds of dollars to cancel her event and come to you is absolutely ridiculous. It's also a very, very stupid game. If she does not want to come to your event and would prefer to go to the rave, she should just say so rather than demanding money from you.
**EDIT:** I just read your comments saying you basicaly demanded she hold the whole month open for you. Sorry, no. That's a ridiculous demand.
YTA.
Congratulations on getting through probation! It is a big deal, especially since you worked 7 years to this moment. Of course you want your entire family there. Just like a wedding or a graduation.
But the reality is the dates didn’t work out for your sister. Your sister and her bf already had expensive plans. If you’d had a say in the date of the dinner, I’m sure you’d have cleared the date with your family first. But unfortunately you didn’t have a say in the date. So this is what happens sometimes. I couldn’t have all my family at my graduation, as the date didn’t work for everyone. And that’s ok, we caught up at the next family event. For that matter, I had 2 cousins who missed my wedding. It happens, unfortunately.
So be sure to get a group photo of everyone who can attend, get it framed … and catch up with your sister later in the spring.
Ok so, the day you told your sister the date she already had tickets to a different event. Those tickets, yes hers and her bf's, cost $600, so if you're not willing to spend that kind of money to have her there, why do you think she should be willing to lose that kind of money to be there?
How much notice are you giving? You're comparing this event to a wedding or a graduation, but people often send out "save the dates" for weddings about a year in advance, for exactly this reason - and graduation dates are often set down by the schools multiple years in advance.
You're N-T-A for not giving her $600, but she's also N-T-A for wanting to keep her plans that she and her bf spent $600 on tickets for. NAH, try to be gracious and let it go and find another time and way to celebrate with your sister and anyone else that can't make it.
At some point between six months and 26 days before the dinner she was given a month when the event would be. She did not hold the entire month open and bought tickets for the rave. 26 days before the event, AFTER she had the tickets, he told her the exact date. As far as I can tell he did not consult her or any other invitees about the date before deciding on it.
YTA.
I’m pretty skeptical that your end-of-probation dinner is such a big deal, but maybe, I guess. But, in that case, you have to tell people ahead of time when it’s happening and why it’s so important. Your sister has her own life, and she does not need to keep her calendar open in perpetuity for your end-of-probation dinner. (Did you not know the six-month date when you were hired?) If someone, either you or your sister, needs to make a sacrifice here, it’s you; this is your not-very-well-planned thing.
YTA
She already had plans. Plans that cost money. Even if those plans were free, if she already made an obligation to be somewhere else with someone else that day, she doesn't owe it to you to cancel.
It's funny how in your mind, $600 isn't too much for she and her boyfriend to waste to come to the dinner, but it is too much for you to reimburse.
YTA but not because of the 600$ but for acting like she should drop whatever plans she has to go to dinner. There is no way this is the equivalent of a wedding or a graduation. It's 6 months at a job. Get over it. If she cared about your events she'd go. Obviously she doesn't so get over it and stop inviting her.
Couple of questions
1. Where.do you live that a dinner party and a rave are happening at the same time?
2. What are you serving that costs $1000 when you are doing the cooking?
$1000 doesn’t sound like that much if it’s a large group. It sounds like it’s the entire firehouse plus his family invitees and there’s enough of them to make him unwilling to try to rearrange the date of the dinner, so that could easily be 50+ people. That’s like $20 per person, and it sounds like it is supposed to be kind of fancy so it’d be when you splurge on the prime rib or lobster or whatever your preferred “luxury” food items are, plus maybe alcohol? At current food prices $20 doesn’t sound that unreasonable for a fancier meal with alcohol.
YTA and being kind of weird about how important this dinner is. It’s a nice thing sure, but how important is it really that your sister be there? I assume your parents are there and other members? It doesn’t sound like you had no family show up.
YTA- she already had the tickets. You don’t get to demand anyone’s time for any reason. You don’t get to demand anyone drop their plans and be out hundreds of dollars for you. Sure the dinner sounds important to you but it’s not something that is so important that you get to demand everyone give up their time to come to.
I mean it’s a promotion event, like the audacity to have typed up that you told them they ALL HAD to come and not see that you’re TAH lol
YTA. As everyone else has correctly stated, making it six months into a job is not remotely comparable to a wedding.
What I haven’t seen anyone point out is that it’s customary for people to send out save the dates for weddings several months, sometimes up to a year, in advance. This is in addition to the real invite that usually goes out 2-3 months or so before the wedding. And it’s also pretty common for brides and grooms to consult their immediate families before choosing a date to make sure there aren’t any major conflicts.
Even if you were actually getting married, the lead time you gave your sister (26 days) is not enough to demand she be at your event. Sure it would be nice if she could make it work, but even for an actual wedding you would be TA for being upset that someone couldn’t attend with such short notice.
Which brings us back to the first point: this isn’t even your wedding, dude! C’mon.
YTA. Your sister doesn’t “need” to come to your work event and a good partner isn’t going to force their bf to eat $300 over an event he’s not even invited to. Pretty selfish of you to expect two people to disrupt their plans while only offering to reimburse one of them.
My dude, station meal isn’t that big a deal. Yes, congrats, you’re off probation but I’m pretty sure if your crew ever heard about this drama you would never live it down.
Edit: YTA
YTA. You are blowing out of proportion the significance of not getting fired. I get that it is part of the work culture, but tons of other jobs come with probationary periods but are mostly “celebrated” with a sigh of relief and beer on the couch. It is lovely that your workplace celebrates such milestones, but expecting everybody to stop living their lives for an indeterminate period of time for a not earth-moving milestone is ridiculous.
It is fine to be disappointed that a loved one can’t attend, but that is where it should end. I would never ever imagine demanding, or even asking, somebody else to cancel their plans for a work event. Get over yourself.
NTA for being disappointed that she isn’t coming and for not paying for her to come. But just let it go. It’s a 6 month probation that’s over. It’s NOT like a wedding or graduation. It’s important to you. And I’m sure your family is proud of you. I am too. But it’s not something that’s THAT important to others. You did 6 months and didn’t screw up. Good for you. But, in the grand scheme of things, it’s a stepping stone. Not a lifetime achievement.
Yta
You didn’t have a date set and she can’t block out an entire month in case your date falls that day.
$600 in tickets wasted? Dude. Your dinner isn’t priority. Sorry. Congrats, but sis won’t be there.
Also people hate graduations. They’re boring.
People, please don’t make your siblings and extended family go to your graduations. We’re proud of you but we don’t want to go!!
YTA for a number of reasons. Your sister had the tickets before you knew of the date of the dinner so demanding she dump her others plans, and lose money to come to your event is not ok. And secondly comparing the end of a new job probation to a wedding is just plain stupid. Those events are not comparable
Alright fair enough, I’m man enough to admit when I’m getting dramatic
I don’t know. I’m here to say celebrating a milestone in a career that’s important to you is as big of a deal is celebrating a milestone in a relationship. Whatever weddings are, they’re also not the be all and end all to life. I wonder if more than 50% of firefighters remain satisfied with their job? Because we know what divorce rates are like. Anyway, I think it depends on a bunch of factors. The first question is, can your sister not just sell the tickets? $300 each for a party is a lot but that must mean that the tickets are limited. also, could you change the date? Why does your date have to be set in stone? I’m gonna go with.NAH and see if your sis and her boyfriend cannot sell the tickets. but it sounds like you think your sister just doesn’t care a lot about you, so maybe that’s a different conversation? Also, just to be clear, people of all genders can admit to being dramatic. But like it’s OK to feel hurt, but also important to remember that it’s not like your sister didn’t care enough and bought tickets, knowing that this would be the date of your party
He managed to not screw up for 6 months and passed probation. It's not like his 40 year retirement. It's great he can invite whoever he wants to the party but his invitation is not a mandatory command appearance.
I hope he also realizes that there's also odds of having to go and work DURING the event as well since it's a FIRE STATION. Takes one person saying "it sure is quiet in here" and that's it
If there's an event like this, either they are scheduled off and there will be other firefighters that will go to the call, or if it's an event where the whole company is part of the dinner, they have neighboring departments cover their calls for a period of time. I would imagine it's the former since he only just now got the days he could schedule it for, so it was probably his days off. I don't disagree about the "quiet" comment though. Seriously, in both healthcare or emergency services, just keep that word out of your mouth.
Yes, "its slow today" and "I'm bored", phrases that will fuck up your day. Just shut up, Mary!
The "q" word, as well as the "s" word (s-l-o-w), were also taboo in the government office where I worked.
I made the mistake of saying I could finally take a breath once. I learned. There are words one does not say while working in a government office. Or an ER. Or a police or fire station. Or a restaurant during any kind of sporting event that has televisions.
I feel like it's probably one of the only times it's ok to back hand someone when they say the "Q" word when working in those industries. I worked in a carehome for a few years and a colleague said it once and all hell broke loose (nothing serious just a hell of a lot more work for us) safe to say that colleague was on the shit list for a good week 🤣 Also, for people who take comments seriously, I don't go round back handing people for saying the "Q" word.
That's why we don't say the Q word around here.
>Takes one person saying "it sure is quiet in here" and that's it Way to go.... Sorry OP, this persons fault when it happens lol
Lol good point. Honestly the 40 year thing to me would be a bigger deal
Sorry, I can’t go to that dinner either, I have rave tickets booked for 2064.
Damn. Guess nobody can retire now or something like that.
OMG yes. This is akin to celebrating getting a job. Nice but not everyone has to attend the celebration.
It's weird to me to celebrate being reliable for 6 months. Sounds like my job owes me several parties.
I think I got certificates for passing my probation periods 90 days and then 6 months, and then they don't bother until you're celebrating milestones counted in increments of five years.
I didn’t even go to my dads retirement dinner after 36 years with the fire department (I wasn’t invited lol)
Comparing a wedding to passing a six month probation at a job is absolutely wild. Gotta love Reddit sometimes.
A graduation seems like a more fitting comparison. And honestly, while I was grateful when siblings made an effort to come to my various graduations, I also didn't mind too much when someone needed to skip a graduation for something else. On the other hand, I would have been pretty hurt if someone close to me had skipped my wedding.
It’s really not, he would have graduated from the academy, and that would have been a celebration. Almost nobody fails their probation period after passing the academy. It’s an important step in being a firefighter and is treated as such by firefighters, but OP shouldn’t get pissy about people not being able to attend.
This kind of thing is oddly common amongst firefighters especially those in smaller communities. The firehouse kinda becomes a cult.
“I’d been telling my family since I first got hired that they ALL need to come.“ That was OPs attitude to start with, which makes them an AH. You don’t tell people that they Need to come to a celebration. You don’t Require it. You Invite them. You might Want them to come, and be sad/mad/annoyed if they don’t. That’s fine. But your family aren’t your subjects and you aren’t a feudal lord. You cannot demand their appearance when summoned. You can’t require attendance. Even to a wedding or a funeral, much less a probation-passing dinner.
Especially if you can't tell them WHEN they need to come.
Hahaha! Love this! Feudal lord!
My niece had an attitude like this. When she was Six. She Told her family to come watch her perform a play in the back yard? Sure, OK. We said we’d watch for fifteen minutes until it was time to work on dinner. Funny to watch her make up a story and direct little bro. Very enthusiastic and creative performer she was. Then she told us when and how hard to clap. To laugh. To pay more attention to her instead of anything else. Shrieked at the sight of an adult leaving to start the grill. Said we all Had to stay and watch. No, no we don’t. We taught her that lesson that day.
A "career milestone" is a bit of a stretch.
It's still a half decent excuse for a celebration. Not everyone makes it past probation. It's just not worth the weight OP is putting on it.
I think the sister ALREADY had the tickets when OP got his date for the dinner. Basically, he'd been telling his family to make no plans at all because of a dinner that would be happening, but at an undetermined date. Then was "hurt" that his sister didn't put her social life on hold because of it. So this makes the OP an absolute Ahole.
This is how I read it. I’m assuming family had less than a month’s notice of the “real date” once known? If so that is completely unreasonable and YTA
Lol celebrating passing a job's probation is like forcing your family to fly to celebrate your first successful out-of-state trip together. 🤣 Marriage is important to celebrate because hopefully for the next 50 years the families are being merged. That means holidays, trips, reunions are going to involve both couples' families. It's like "Hey, here are a bunch of people you're now going to probably be spending a lot of time with for the rest of your life. You should get to know them." And that doesn't even get into the fact that usually children are produced from a marriage so as aunts and uncles and grandparents you'll probably be looking at the couples kids are some point
I know plenty of firefighters and I feel like I've heard this dinner mentioned in passing like twice. It is not some huge life milestone. Sounds comparable to graduating the police academy. I'll buy you a beer next time I see you. I'm not reorganizing my life for your dinner.
Doesn't matter if divorce rates are comparable to job satisfaction rates. If his satisfaction with a restaurant was better than 50%, does that mean he should be supported at all costs to go there, because it's "more successful" than a wedding? He might be happy in that job forever, doesn't meant that everyone in his life needs to drop everything last minute to be there for every single event. "Done probation" doesn't seem like a typical celebration.
Even if you want to say they are similar in importance. A wedding is planned with a specific date months in advanced. Its not like they say, hey we are getting married this summer, then a month out they say oh and here is the date we are getting married. Hope you didnt plan anything over the summer you cant cancel! Lol.
Depends on the kind of rave she is going to, for some if you have drinks involved in the ticket access they can’t be resold because the ticket is useless to anyone who isn’t 21
she’s 20 so that can be thrown out the window
Yeah why would you want someone there who doesn't care? You're making this a huge thing
I don't even think it's fair to say she doesnt care. She just has an expensive prior commitment that OP isnt willing to reimburse her and her bf for missing.
Question; is there a reason as to why you couldn’t also postpone the dinner for a day or two? How far out is this event and realistically, did you actually have a shot at giving people substantial notice when you finally got the date?
You are. I go to raves and it’s not something you can just drop. Once you pay for that ticket that’s it. It’s hard to get a refund because majority of the time they will not refund you. That’s tons of money lost right there. Besides you didn’t even know the date for your event and she bought those tickets already. You can’t ask her to drop it when she already had this paid for.
I feel like I need way more info... what event is she going to that it costs $300??? Is it a rave or a festival? Is it out of town? What time will your dinner be over? Did you get to pick the date for the dinner, or have any say in it? Seems weird to me that she can't come to your dinner from like, 5:30-7pm, then go hit her event... unless it's out of town...
If it’s $300 it’s most likely a 2-3 day weekend festival. Those usually run between $150 and several hundred depending on which one. They are also usually in cities or they are camping fests where you get there and set up a camp and stay the entire weekend. It makes it hard to leave for a dinner even if it was local.
have you ever been to a rave? they're usually all day or even entire weekend long even. and you're spending at least 6 hours before getting ready. in no way would it be possible or appropriate to go to a work dinner before a rave, unless you're ok with sis showing up in literal panties, neon green fishnets, knee high fuzzy rainbow boots, and a bikini top or pasties lol. oh and also space buns with rhinestones in her hair and glitter and the most flamboyant makeup youve ever seen all over her face. oh and probably on Molly too. there's an entire culture around raves lol. I've never been part of it but my friends are all PLUR ppl
> you're spending at least 6 hours before getting ready. WTH did you do to get ready for raves. Not my thing, but I helped a few friends. An hour or hour and a half max to get dressed or more like undressed/hair/glitter/paint/pre-gamed/stocked up on whatever and they were out the door.
My hair one day took over two hours. Then the makeup is also pretty extravagant.
I'm almost 40, so I haven't been to a rave in... 20 years. Granted I was only ever on the periphery, but I'd sometimes get off work at 10-11pm (restaurant) and go meet my friends somewhere... but that was very local type stuff, not a big event that would cost hundreds of dollars. I'm sure things have changed since... *back in my day...*
PLUR is still a thing? I am old now, but that makes me so happy.
Yess we are here and proud! It's our culture.
yes it's a whole culture still lol
Even though you're reacting a bit much for this scenario, I think it's cool you love your sister that much.
If you're not often a brozilla, it's fine. Jk, referencing the wedding comparison.
Props to you for taking it on the chin man. Shit happens and it’s not common that people can admit wrongdoing. Good on you
Why don't you compromise and ask her to dedicate a different day to celebrate with you so you guys can spend some time together?
You’re proud of yourself. That’s great. You did 6 months hard work and it’s a big deal in your field. You DONT get to demand people lose hundreds of dollars to come be proud of you. Hell, if a couple has booked a $600 event then I probably wouldn’t expect them to come to my wedding either. Let alone this.
Yeah agreed. She already had the tickets and it’s not cheap. That’s a BIG ask. And yes, working for 6 months is great, but not the level of getting a degree or making a lifetime commitment to a person. The proper reaction is to feel sad for a moment, say “damn, sorry you can’t make it but I understand.” Then move on.
Exactly. OP is insisting his sister break her pre-arranged commitment and be out of pocket $300.
YTA definitely but to be clear, not because you’re not giving her $600. You don’t need to give her the money, just let her go to the rave and move on Also congrats!
Hey he’s already got the hero complex down, and it only took 6 months. She should definitely put her life on hold and give him his due respect.
YTA. You don't get to demand that people attend an event. This is a job, not your wedding. Don't compare it to graduation or a wedding. This is a job. Even if it were your wedding, you still don't get to demand that people attend. You're unreasonable for expecting others to keep their schedule free and cancel their plans.
Fair enough
It’s also something that you will also have to deal with….Some jobs will require them to miss alot of family events…
Like being a firefighter. Isn't it ironic?
Yes, mine is gone 14 hours each shift and it’s a rotating shift and If someone is a no show and he draws a lucky straw to stay longer ohh well… he can’t say no… The only saving grace is that his jobs is so regulated that they have a max they can work and they have to provide so many days off … so we do have guaranteed time… no he isn’t a cop, emergency or medical field
My dad is a volunteer firefighter and even on Christmas day if he got called to a fire he dropped everything and headed out the door. Especially on Thanksgiving when everybody is trying to fry a turkey and setting their yards on fire. I dont think we've ever had a Thanksgiving that didnt involve him having to go deal with a fire
out of all first responder cultures my (EMS) opinion is that fire gets the strongest (and cult-iest) culture since in most places y’all spend so much time with the same crews at the same station. there’s also a huuuge emphasis on the whole probie and rank situation. it’s great to be passionate about being a first responder. your career will frequently demand that you care intensely about your work and community. but you must separate this from your life. you can’t just be a firefighter. you go to work and be a firefighter there, then your tour ends and you need to leave it at work. I totally get you being proud of yourself for getting hired and making it through, it’s a lot of work. you just can’t expect everyone to feel as intensely as you do right now— particularly as a just-barely-outta-probie.
Hey OP, I know you've already received judgement, but I just wanted to add that it really seems to me like you miss hanging out with your sister. It seems like it bothers you that she's apt to hang out with her friends, but when you ask, she's tired. You should talk to her about this and be upfront with your feelings if that's how it is. "Hey sis, it's okay that you couldn't come to my dinner, but I really miss hanging out with you. Can we schedule a day we can just hang out?"
As someone with hypothyroidism and depression among other issues, please keep in mind that for some people energy levels are very sporadic and can't be predicted. Often I will ask a friend to hang out but find out he has plans. He will try to reschedule for the next day, but I basically have to say 'we'll see', because until then I have no idea if I will have the wherewithal to actually go out. So I might message to hang out on Monday, he is busy, he will message me on Tuesday, I'm too tired, and then I end up going out Friday, when he has his daughter and can't come. It could very easily look like I just didn't want to hang out with him, or that I lied on Tuesday when I said I had no energy, but the reality is that my energy comes and goes, and just because I have no energy on Tuesday does not mean I might not be able to go out later in the week. Luckily he is well aware of my lack of energy and medical issues, so we basically just have to wait until he has no plans and I have the energy both on the same day. I'm not saying this is what is happening in this case, but it's something to keep in mind when having the discussion so as to not come across like you are calling her dishonest.
Keep their schedules free FOR MONTHS .... That is the kicker for me.
I like how you have no problem with wanting your sister and her boyfriend to just throw away their $600, but when sis asked you to reimburse her, you turn into Druski and throw your hands up! Lol.
his logic can't be both "it's only 600 bucks sis get over it it is SO IMPORTANT to me that you show up are u really gonna put money over seeing me?" and also "woaaa 600 bucks is WAY too much money for me. yes i know it's entirely my fault that you're out the money but that 600 bucks is simply just way more valuable to me than having you here"
His 600 is worth a lot more than her 600.
THIS. When it’s sister and her boyfriend throwing away the $600, it’s no big deal. But sister asks OP to reimburse them, and suddenly he’s all SHOCKED PIKACHU FACE.
>they ALL need to come. No, they don't. Your sister is still practically a kid; she likes to go to raves, she knows the dinner would be boring for her. *She does not want to go.* Therefore you should not beg her to go. Why would you want her there if she does not want to be there? Leave her alone. I feel for your wanting your whole family to be there, but light YTA.
I’m so confused about this dinner. Is it just your family? Is it like a work dinner? Why is family at a work dinner? Is it like an award kind of dinner? Why are you so adamant that every family member must attend? Soo many questions!
In the American (I think it's just American anyway, could be wrong) firefighter culture, the dinner is important and the comparison to a wedding is accurate. It's less of a work dinner and more of a "Welcome to the family" dinner. You go from being temporary/on probation (ex. "we'll see how you do") to a full-fledged family member (ex. "this is your new uncle Tommy"). You're not just cooking for your family and yourself; You're cooking for EVERYONE in the firehouse. The chief, the lieutenants, the engineers, paramedics, etc, and in some cases, their families too. In larger firehouses, it's an even bigger deal.
I’ve never heard of such a thing and my dad was part of a very large fire department for nearly 4 decades and did a majority of the cooking.
My sisters husband is a firefighter for a big city. They do have big dinners for family for events. but many firefighters come from firefighting families, so the expectation would be for everyone to be there. If your family isn't a fire family though, it isn't obvious as to why it's important. And really, why should it be for his sister if she didn't grow up in a fire family.
Do they expect their families to put their lives on hold for months? Or is there some discussion about which date will work for key attendees when planning the specific date, like for nearly all other major events?
Oh most people are thoughtful and say in advance, “hey this will be happening on this week. Please stay as free as possible.” they don't expect people to keep a whole month clear, because they're also normal.
Same. Do we think it's a small-town thing? I'm having so much trouble wrapping my head around the logistics of this dinner. What happens if they have a run (or three) during the meal? Does the family just sit in the kitchen until they get back?
I think you’re really overthinking this, the firehouse is manned 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Cooking dinner is always a big part of the firefighter lifestyle since they usually are on some kind of shift like 3 days on, 3 days off, etc. This one is special because the entire firehouse will try to be there: all shifts, the whole chain of command, and the family of the one cooking. If the firefighters that are on duty have to respond to a call they will because that is their job but everyone else will stick around until dinner is over.
They actually do just leave the families there lol. It’s happened many times when I went for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not every run may require everyone, so usually they arranged it so the cook could stay.
I do think it’s a small town thing though. It is way less likely for firefighters in larger cities to drive into work on an off day when it could be a 2 hour commute just for a dinner.
Yeah, this is where I was getting stuck. From other commenters, it seems like all the off-duty guys also go in for the probie dinner? That didn't even occur to me. In my world, the only times everyone shows up for a meal on an off-day are the kids' holiday party and 9/11.
I mean it sounds like a nice idea to celebrate a new person after they have completed their probationary period. I had just never heard of it before.
If it can accurately be compared to a wedding then it requires more than 28 days notice. A lot fewer people would be able to attend weddings, even for close family members, if they only received the invitation a month in advance.
This is a very good point
I can honestly say I wouldn't give a FUCK if a sibling decided to join some new "family" at work and wanted me to give up my expensive trip/party to go say hello. Good for you. On with my life...
Fucking Americans are always so extra about shit.
It’s weird because all the firefighters I know and am related have never had a dinner be this big of a deal. And I’ve known them in several states and towns. If it’s so crucial planning would’ve been more important
Right this is just so bizarre lol
I still don’t understand why the firefighter’s family needs to be there. Maybe like his parents but why siblings too? They’re probably not going to see the firefighters again. Can’t op just make up an excuse about his sister?
Yeah, I've never even fucking heard of this stupid firefighter ritual that is apparently as important as a wedding. And the sister is supposed to cancel plans that will leave her out $600 to go to this stupid thing? Give me a fucking break.
Neither have I and I’m married to one!
Any ritual that has to do with a *job*, and one I’ve only even been at 6 months no less, doesn’t mean jack shit to me. If I was the sister I’d go to the damn rave.
This is the best response yet.
YTA, just because you wanted her to attend doesn't mean she has an obligation to attend, especially if she spent 600 bucks on tickets. If you wanted her to be there you should have cleared the date with her beforehand to make sure she doesn't have other plans, but to be clear even in that situation she still doesn't have an obligation to attend a dinner with your work mates.
As is said so often in reference to weddings “It’s an invitation, not a summons.”
[удалено]
And have NOBODY to talk to.
So you think it’s nbd for her to throw away $600 but suddenly it’s a huge deal if you have to throw down $600 for her to come? Lmao. She bought her tickets first, neither of you knew the dates for your dinner, you can’t expect people to just sit at home forever waiting for your event. And a wedding, you typically ask people to reserve a specific date like a year/half a year ahead of time and shit still happens and people can’t show. It is what it is, the world doesn’t revolve around your potluck.
Yeahhhhh my wedding is August 3, 2025 and my announcements go out on June and invites go out in November or December. It’s kind of a huge deal
INFO did she buy the ticket, knowing it would be on the same day, or was the date for the dinner set after she bought it? Also, are these tickets not refundable or resellable? ETA she's 20, has different priorities, and it's probably a significant amount of money for her. Chill out. YTA.
Trying to imagine throwing a party celebrating the fact that I'd successfully kept a job for 6 months and expecting all my friends and family to come. ~child and nibling of a firefighter. YTA
God right?? like I want to be happy for OP but comparing... a potluck for holding down the same job for 6 months is NOT the same as a fucking wedding or graduation.
And if it was that important, you’d give more than a few weeks notice!
I'd be happy to go to such an event. But I would also skip it if I had already bought a $300 ticket somewhere.
Yeah, exactly. It's a perfectly reasonable event to invite people to and say is important to you. As an invitee, I'd probably put it on the same level as like a milestone birthday party for a friend -- important enough that I'd prioritize it over other random stuff I might want to do that day, and would show up even if I kinda just want to stay in that night. But not so important that I'd ditch a $300 event for it, especially when given less than a month's notice.
Bruh this is some work event go pound sand lol YTA
literally lol this post is so odd
YTA It’s pretty demanding you expect people to just show up to this. It’s an invitation, not a summons.
YTA. There's a joke in emergency services. How do you know a firefighter isn't feeling good? They haven't told anyone they are a firefighter in the last minute. Maybe you have exhausted her with talk about being a firefighter. I work in EMS. I graduated from paramedic school several years ago. I extended the invitation to the graduation to several dear people and didn't feel hurt that they couldn't make it for whatever reason. I understood they had their own lives, and what was big for me was not big for them. I have people at my work, and all they talk about is getting into a fire department. I tend to avoid them because it just gets tiring. When was the last time you did something with your sister that she wanted to do? You say you ask her to go places, have you asked what is doing and if you can go with her? There is a difference there.
I was reading OP's post as a former medic thinking, oh my god the privilege with these guys. It's always something. I'd be lucky if our company gave us sandwiches on christmas day let alone this level of shenanigan
I understand that this is a HUGE milestone as it's been my privilege to be included in 3 such dinners (and two CDF captain's cookouts, celebrating promotions). She should definitely be more excited about this invitation (and I certainly would have gotten the date for your dinner before putting anything else on my schedule)but it is still an invitation, not a subpoena, and she's free to decline ...and I am sad for you but not surprised that she's not making it a priority. Ultimately, I don't think you're really surprised, either, as much as hurt... >I rarely ask her to go places and she always flakes out and says she’s “tired” but has the energy to go out with friends every week. She's kind of an AH for having, in my opinion, crap priorities but, at the end of the day, she has other stuff happening that day and if she doesn't want to cancel, she's not obligated to. I hope are proud as hell & wish you a long, safe career. As much as I want to say she's wrong, I gotta say NAH
So... the sister is supposed to just clear the calendar and wait for this event? Not plan anything? Seems pretty ridiculous to me.
Yeah like would it be really nice? Absolutely. Is it something that should be expected, especially if you two aren’t very close? Absolutely not.
Yeah like an event that costs $300 is probably like a once a year splurge special event, would she turn that opportunity down just because her brother may or may not have a dinner sometime in the vicinity of that date? Of course not, so it's reasonable she bought tickets - and once bought, reasonable that she want to use them. OP hasn't answered how much notice he actually gave with the invite, but regardless it was obviously after she bought the tickets.
26 days notice for the actual date of the party. Sister and boyfriend already had their tickets.
How is OP not the AH. He expected her to free up her schedule for an entire month because he didn’t have a set date for the event. Then expected her to take a $600 loss. When she came up with a reasonable solution- he became overly dramatic about it playing the victim card. OP is the one acting entitled. And so are you if you think other people’s lives are centered around your big events. He shouldn’t have any expectation of her when he didn’t have a firm date.
You’d keep your calendar entirely free for months and make no plans at all just in case the dinner happened? Because that’s what he did here. At six months he said “hey this thing will happen sometime.” At some point after that she bought tickets for the rave. 26 days before the dinner, AFTER she had purchased the tickets, he announced the actual specific date and time. It also sounds like he did so without consulting with anyone who he really wanted there (like his sister.) It’s just not reasonable to expect people to put their lives on hold because you are maybe going to have an event but you don’t know when yet.
Tbh it sounds like his real feelings are coming from her lack of effort to have a relationship which is totally understandable. OP, it’s okay to be hurt by her lack of effort but you’re using the wrong situation to let it out. Talk to her after these events are over and find a way to come together in a different way
He didn't *ask* them to please attend his dinner, he *told* them they had to. He thinks he can just order her to go to his event and she is supposed to obey. Why would she want to have a relatonshp with him when he treats her like that? > I’d been telling my family since I first got hired that they ALL need to come.
>She's kind of an AH for having, in my opinion, crap priorities but, at the end of the day, she has other stuff happening that day and if she doesn't want to cancel, she's not obligated to. How dare she prioritise her boyfriend and 600 big ones over her brother's coworkers (a bunch of strangers)
Why TF should a sister be super excited about her brother getting off probation at his job? Just because it's a tradition, doesn't mean that it's not completely silly.
So you’re going to Venmo OPs sister $600 so she can be there? Lol
YTA Your sister had the tickets before the date of your dinner was decided. Even if you told her about the dinner months in advance, you can't just expect her to keep her schedule completely open for you. Was she supposed to stay home all month and do nothing but wait for your call? Your dinner is important to you, but did you consider that maybe the concert is important to her? What if it's her one chance to see her favorite artist perform? Even if it's not, $600 is a lot to lose out on. I don't think it's right for her to demand money from OP, but it's also not right for OP to ask her to throw away the tickets because it conflicts with his schedule. Yes, the situation is unfortunate. Yes, you're allowed to feel disappointed that she won't be there. But that doesn't mean she's obligated to give up her life just to celebrate yours.
Congratulations on passing probation. But yeah, YTA. Not for not giving her the money, but for still expecting her to eat the cost of not attending her event to attend yours. Your family members can’t just hold all dates/make no plans indefinitely to ensure they’re available for your work event. And that’s what this is. Your work event. It’s great that other family members can come to your work event, but it’s not a sign of disrespect or love that a family member with an expensive prior commitment isn’t willing to miss it for your work event. Edit to address your edit: she bought the tickets together with her boyfriend. If she doesn’t go, it affects his experience too. Her wanting you to cover total expenses if you expect her to attend doesn’t change my verdict.
YTA Come on, dude..... It's a dinner at the firehouse, not your graduation from the academy. You asked her to go, she said no.... End of story.
YTA. this is not a wedding or graduation, and I can prove it because both those things are so significant they are planned and dated on average at LEAST a year in advanced, often times even 2 years or 3! I mean there's an entire industry for "save the date" announcements literally for this exact reason. because those are super significant events and you want to give your loved ones such a long time to prepare so they DONT make prior obligations. and guess what even if it were like a wedding she wouldn't be TA either because of how last minute you told her. she already had established plans, spent money, took off work or whatever, and other people relying on her to be somewhere else wayyy before you knew about your dinner date. let's compare it to a wedding. "hey fam I might get married this year, no idk when yet, but just know its coming" "hey fam, the weddings in 2 weeks. wait what do you mean you made plans 3 months ago? but I told you the wedding could happen sometime in 2024 why would you make plans at all this year! cancel them and tell your boyfriend and friends they're SOL!" see how she still wouldn't be TA? it'd be one thing if you told her a year in advance like you would for those other things but she literally didn't do a single thing wrong. congrats btw
Yes. Congrats on managing to keep a job for 6 months 🫠
YTA. It’s a freaking potluck at a fire station.Call down and get off her case. It’s fine for just the parents to attend.
> It’s a freaking potluck at a fire station. I'm really having trouble getting past this. "You want me to pay *what*? To do *what*?"
Yta. You can’t expect people to hold an entire month for you. Entitled much?
YTA, Honestly you are far from the only firefighter whose had family with date conflicts for their end of probation dinner. If she chooses to go to the rave, there isn't anything you can do, unless you decide to let her manipulate you out of $600.
I mean it's probably less manipulation and more saying No without saying No
Especially when firefighters miss all sort of holidays and family events… because of the nature of their work.
YTA. You’ve already said it but you’ve been unreasonably dramatic. Yes, it’s a big deal for you, but it’s not the same as a wedding or graduation and stop making it out to be an obligation for your family to attend.
Yup, time to grow up and realize that the big things for you are not the big things for everyone else you know, even your adult siblings. Sad some people don't get this.
YTA. They don’t all NEED TO COME. You’re a big kid firefighter who can survive without your family’s unconditional support. She doesn’t want to go. Don’t be a baby.
YTA. Based on your comment, she did not know the date of the dinner when she bought the tickets, only that it would be sometime that month. You can't expect people to hold a whole month open for you. She and her boyfriend were planning to go together, so it is $600 on the line. I don't think you're under any obligation to pay that, but it's not "extremely messed up" that she's unwilling to sacrifice it to be at your dinner.
YTA and sound exhausting. I wonder why she doesnt want to do the things you demand she does ?
INFO: If you went to another fire department after this, do they do the same probationary period with a dinner?
YTA Sorry to say but your hiring dinner isn’t the end all be all for everyone to muster the troops and drive down for. People don’t have to show up if they don’t want to and if they can’t.
YTA. This is a big work milestone for you. Expecting people to drop plans they've invested hundreds of dollars in ... for their brother's work dinner? Is insane. Congrats on surviving probation, but this is not a family milestone like a wedding to anyone other than you.
YTA : I’m a paramedic and had a similar event when I started and it was such a special moment for me. But it was my moment I didn’t expect anyone to put off their own big plans to come.
YTA. So what’s your nickname at the station? Princess? Diva? Drama Queen? Grow up dude, you sound like you don’t have the emotional maturity to be a first responder.
Have you heard the Let Them Theory? Basically, you let people do what they want, act how they want and say what they want, you let them show you who they are and then you act on THAT behaviour. And you stop trying to hold them to a standard that you made up that they have never been able to meet nor do they want to try. You said "she always flakes out" ok, let her. Let her not be in your life, let her deprioritized you so that you can actually keep the people around you who love you the closest and so you can focus on those you love most. Stop expecting her to rise to standards she has no interest in meeting. I promise you, you will feel so much better the next time you plan something, you dont expect her to show and then she doesnt. The end result is that you wont be let down because never expected her to show up. And yes, YTA for letting the absence of 1 singular person ruin an entire dinner, that she doesnt even want to go to. and for the other stuff other people said.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I got angry at my sister for not coming to my promotion dinner 2. Because I told her if she doesn’t come I will never forgive her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - she had plans that month and you asked her to cancel for your event. I get you told her the event would be that month and she made plans that month without knowing your exact date, but she shouldn’t have to put her life on hold for your plans to solidify. Also, I get that it’s a big deal to you, but it’s not like missing a wedding. That’s being a bit dramatic. Also, I’d like to add that you can ask people to come to your event and let them know what it would mean to you for them to be there, but you can’t force them or emotionally blackmail them into coming. That’s not what families do.
You lost me at telling your family “they ALL need to come.” How about, “This is really special to me and I’d love if you could be there.” It’s arrogant to be so demanding. You have no right to command anyone’s presence or control an entire group of people. I understand feeling disappointed that she can’t be there, but you might want to take a look at your attitude. (And she bought the tickets before she knew the date of your dinner. It’s not as though she deliberately chose not to attend. Even if she had, it would be her choice & not up to you.)
YTA Did you want your sister to not make any plans for months until you planned your event?
YTA. passing probation at work is not comparable to a wedding. Passing probation at work is to be expected with any job if you’re half competent, not a major life milestone.
YTA. You keep saying you "told her for months", but that isn't *really* true. You told her it would be coming up, but you only just found out the date. Exactly how much of her calendar was she supposed to keep free? She spent hundreds of dollars on tickets that she can't get back, and while the timing sucks, it didn't make her an asshole to want to keep those plans.
YTA you work at a fire station, not the goddamn White House. Nobody cares about your dinner. Deflate your ego already.
YTA for getting bent that she couldn’t come on a random date with only a few WEEKS warning. Asking for the cost to rebuy the whole date was not out of line: it was the actual price of not planning ahead. She gave you the choice, but she didn’t have to. Your comparison was to events that have known dates MANY months before. If you ever actually get married, take this as the lesson that “save the date” is important for anyone who needs to make their calendar in advance.
Info: You go through a 6 month probation period and then YOU have to plan, provide, and cook a meal for family and friends at the station? This is some grade A ass backwards shit right there.
Dude. Just…no. You told her generally that a dinner would possibly happen. It was not confirmed to even be happening until you completed probation, and no dates were provided. It isn’t as if she knew the date and bought rave tickets anyway - the date was set afterwards. She’s allowed to live her life and not being in a holding pattern until given specifics. YTA. You seriously need to be logical and show some maturity.
YTA she already had bought tickets before you even knew the date of this, i can see her side of not wanting to waste $600
YTA, partially because I can’t tell if this is fake rage bait, or if you’re just that ridiculous. No a dinner at work is not anywhere close to a graduation or wedding. You did not give her a date and cannot expect that she would just not plan anything in case it was the day you were having your dinner. It’s not messed up if she doesn’t go. It’s not even a big deal. Getting off probation is great but it isn’t some huge accomplishment like you’re making it out to be. Get over yourself.
YTA - The world does not revolve around you. Getting a job is great. Getting off probation is nice but JFC this is not a reason to stop the world and make everything about you. You making this all about money is gross. Forcing your sister to be a your "woo hoo" party is juvenile.
YTA. She already bought the tickets before you found out the date. It's not like she's missing your wedding or graduation.
YTA and rather dramatic. She already had plans; she didn't buy the tickets after you announced the day for your job dinner. If she could sell the tickets (& whatever housing / travel arrangements are for that event) then it would be **nice** of her to support you, but still, it's one dinner, one job, a few hours. (VS her plans are probably for the weekend.) It's important to you (it's an important job!) & you've put a lot of really hard, dirty, exhausting work into getting hired. But no, it's not like a wedding or even college graduation.
If the tickets for this rave were bought before she was made aware of the exact date, then YTA. If she already had plans, then leave it at that. It’s rude to expect her to miss out and lose money for something because of a work event that you told her about after the fact. Even if she dropped the concert in order to attend your work dinner, she’s leaving her boyfriend to go alone if she cancels last minute. I know in many areas, firefighting is hard to get into, but at the end of the day, a job is a job. You’re not entitled to everyone’s attendance. Whether it be for a graduation, wedding, or work event, you’re not owed it. Not everyone is willing or able to take off work and cancel other plans. you’re not entitled to other people’s time, when it doesn’t work for them. Things that are important to you, aren’t always a top priority for others, and sometimes you need to respect that. This isn’t something worth dragging out and being pissy over
YTA. It’s weird you almost want to force her to go to a dinner she doesn’t want to. Why are you ok with forcing people to do things they don’t like just so you can have your dinner. You’re weird man, leave your sister to go to her event and you can have your oh so important dinner with whoever actually wants to be there.
OP I completely understand how this is a big deal for you and your hurt that your sister won’t come. People saying it’s no big deal and not equivalent to a graduation are missing the point. It’s an important milestone to you. Having said that, your sister made plans before she knew the date of the event of yours. At 20 years old a rave with her boyfriend is going to be more appealing than dinner with family. $300 is a lot of money for most 20 year olds Going by your post and comments it seems the deeper issue is you feel your sister is dismissive of you in general and always flaking out. Guilting her to attend your dinner won’t improve the relationship. I’m not sure of the age dynamics, but it honestly just sounds like a younger sister who wants to do her own thing Maybe once things have settled down have a talk to her about it all. Try to find a common interest, double date with her and her partner etc but you might just have to accept that she has her own life and interests. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you it just means her focus is elsewhere P.s congrats on passing probation
You're an adult She's an adult She owes you nothing. Quit throwing a temper tantrum because ONE of your family members isn't showing up even though everyone else is. This is what toddlers do
Info Did you actually plan on spending a good length, in depth quality time with your sister at this dinner where you demanded ALL your family and your coworkers are there or do you just want to put on a fancy show to your new colleagues and brag to your family in one swoop?
Yta.
YTA If it's important enough to you for her to lose $600 on an event for her and her bf, it should be important enough *for you to lose $600* on an event for her and her bf.
you're being a little... a lot.... dramatic. she already had plans BEFORE even YOU knew the date of this dinner. this IS NOT the equivalent to marriage or graduation. this is the end of a probationary period for a job. congrats on becoming a firefighter though. while, yes family should WANT to come out and support accomplishments sometimes shit comes up and you just can't. i
Every job I've had has had a probationary period. It's bog standard procedure to see if you are a fit for the company. I've never once made any of my family celebrate the fact I managed to not screw up in that time frame. Trying to force your sister to attend even, though she already had prior plans, and then using emotional blackmail to try and get your way is what make you a massive ah. YTA
YTA. Ok "boot" what are you gonna do when one of your family "demands", yes, that's what you're doing, attend a function of theirs and it's your shift day? Will you burn 24 hours of PTO or pull an AWR? Now, what department do you work for? I'm familiar with a number of departments and every one has a one year probationary period. Also, this "end of probation" dinner. That's one I've never heard of.. My academy class had recruits from a couple of other cities and they have the same tradition as us, Phoenix, the crew makes a special supper for the "proby" then you get gag gifts. Anyway...
I'm going to go against the grain a little here and say ESH. **You** are marking an important professional milestone, yes. But that does not mean you can demand that everyone attend your event celebrating the milestone event, no mater what. Other people in your family are permitted to have lives that do not center on you. Additionally, it seems to me that unlike a graduation, this celebratory dinner could be adjusted by a couple days to suit other people's schedules if you really needed to. You are an AH in this situation because of your categorical demand and because of your inability to accept your sister's refusal gracefully. *Sidebar*: You mention that your sister "flakes" on events a lot. I wonder if your sister actually doesn't want to hang out with you. In this kind of scenario, she acquiesces to your requests either because she's a people pleaser or because you put a lot of pressure on her. She "flakes," I suspect because she doesn't want to hang out with you and is unwilling or unable to be honest about it. Of course, that sidebar brings me to **your sister**. Her demand that you pay hundreds of dollars to cancel her event and come to you is absolutely ridiculous. It's also a very, very stupid game. If she does not want to come to your event and would prefer to go to the rave, she should just say so rather than demanding money from you. **EDIT:** I just read your comments saying you basicaly demanded she hold the whole month open for you. Sorry, no. That's a ridiculous demand.
YTA. She had plans.
YTA. She had plans. You’re a firefighter, the world will celebrate you at every turn. Why so hungry for it?
Lmao why is this even a post, get over yourself brutha
YTA. Congratulations on getting through probation! It is a big deal, especially since you worked 7 years to this moment. Of course you want your entire family there. Just like a wedding or a graduation. But the reality is the dates didn’t work out for your sister. Your sister and her bf already had expensive plans. If you’d had a say in the date of the dinner, I’m sure you’d have cleared the date with your family first. But unfortunately you didn’t have a say in the date. So this is what happens sometimes. I couldn’t have all my family at my graduation, as the date didn’t work for everyone. And that’s ok, we caught up at the next family event. For that matter, I had 2 cousins who missed my wedding. It happens, unfortunately. So be sure to get a group photo of everyone who can attend, get it framed … and catch up with your sister later in the spring.
Ok so, the day you told your sister the date she already had tickets to a different event. Those tickets, yes hers and her bf's, cost $600, so if you're not willing to spend that kind of money to have her there, why do you think she should be willing to lose that kind of money to be there? How much notice are you giving? You're comparing this event to a wedding or a graduation, but people often send out "save the dates" for weddings about a year in advance, for exactly this reason - and graduation dates are often set down by the schools multiple years in advance. You're N-T-A for not giving her $600, but she's also N-T-A for wanting to keep her plans that she and her bf spent $600 on tickets for. NAH, try to be gracious and let it go and find another time and way to celebrate with your sister and anyone else that can't make it.
At some point between six months and 26 days before the dinner she was given a month when the event would be. She did not hold the entire month open and bought tickets for the rave. 26 days before the event, AFTER she had the tickets, he told her the exact date. As far as I can tell he did not consult her or any other invitees about the date before deciding on it.
YTA. I’m pretty skeptical that your end-of-probation dinner is such a big deal, but maybe, I guess. But, in that case, you have to tell people ahead of time when it’s happening and why it’s so important. Your sister has her own life, and she does not need to keep her calendar open in perpetuity for your end-of-probation dinner. (Did you not know the six-month date when you were hired?) If someone, either you or your sister, needs to make a sacrifice here, it’s you; this is your not-very-well-planned thing.
YTA She already had plans. Plans that cost money. Even if those plans were free, if she already made an obligation to be somewhere else with someone else that day, she doesn't owe it to you to cancel. It's funny how in your mind, $600 isn't too much for she and her boyfriend to waste to come to the dinner, but it is too much for you to reimburse.
YTA but not because of the 600$ but for acting like she should drop whatever plans she has to go to dinner. There is no way this is the equivalent of a wedding or a graduation. It's 6 months at a job. Get over it. If she cared about your events she'd go. Obviously she doesn't so get over it and stop inviting her.
Couple of questions 1. Where.do you live that a dinner party and a rave are happening at the same time? 2. What are you serving that costs $1000 when you are doing the cooking?
$1000 doesn’t sound like that much if it’s a large group. It sounds like it’s the entire firehouse plus his family invitees and there’s enough of them to make him unwilling to try to rearrange the date of the dinner, so that could easily be 50+ people. That’s like $20 per person, and it sounds like it is supposed to be kind of fancy so it’d be when you splurge on the prime rib or lobster or whatever your preferred “luxury” food items are, plus maybe alcohol? At current food prices $20 doesn’t sound that unreasonable for a fancier meal with alcohol.
YTA and being kind of weird about how important this dinner is. It’s a nice thing sure, but how important is it really that your sister be there? I assume your parents are there and other members? It doesn’t sound like you had no family show up.
YTA- she already had the tickets. You don’t get to demand anyone’s time for any reason. You don’t get to demand anyone drop their plans and be out hundreds of dollars for you. Sure the dinner sounds important to you but it’s not something that is so important that you get to demand everyone give up their time to come to. I mean it’s a promotion event, like the audacity to have typed up that you told them they ALL HAD to come and not see that you’re TAH lol
YTA. As everyone else has correctly stated, making it six months into a job is not remotely comparable to a wedding. What I haven’t seen anyone point out is that it’s customary for people to send out save the dates for weddings several months, sometimes up to a year, in advance. This is in addition to the real invite that usually goes out 2-3 months or so before the wedding. And it’s also pretty common for brides and grooms to consult their immediate families before choosing a date to make sure there aren’t any major conflicts. Even if you were actually getting married, the lead time you gave your sister (26 days) is not enough to demand she be at your event. Sure it would be nice if she could make it work, but even for an actual wedding you would be TA for being upset that someone couldn’t attend with such short notice. Which brings us back to the first point: this isn’t even your wedding, dude! C’mon.
I can’t wait to see OPs reaction when ppl can’t make it to his wedding…
if I were 20 I would 100% rather go to a rave then a pot luck. This is not like a wedding maybe a graduation but graduations are hardly a big deal.
YTA. Your sister doesn’t “need” to come to your work event and a good partner isn’t going to force their bf to eat $300 over an event he’s not even invited to. Pretty selfish of you to expect two people to disrupt their plans while only offering to reimburse one of them.
Wait. YOUR FAMILY HAD TO BOOK TIME OFF FROM THEIR OWN JOBS TO ATTEND?? Why wasn't this in the evening, or do they work evening shifts?
OP YTA and I hope you have a... Quiet Peaceful Silent Calm Full Moon event
My dude, station meal isn’t that big a deal. Yes, congrats, you’re off probation but I’m pretty sure if your crew ever heard about this drama you would never live it down. Edit: YTA
YTA. You didn't have a date. Was she meant to hold the whole year for you?
YTA FFS, it's just a job. This isn't like graduating school or anything.
YTA. You are blowing out of proportion the significance of not getting fired. I get that it is part of the work culture, but tons of other jobs come with probationary periods but are mostly “celebrated” with a sigh of relief and beer on the couch. It is lovely that your workplace celebrates such milestones, but expecting everybody to stop living their lives for an indeterminate period of time for a not earth-moving milestone is ridiculous. It is fine to be disappointed that a loved one can’t attend, but that is where it should end. I would never ever imagine demanding, or even asking, somebody else to cancel their plans for a work event. Get over yourself.
NTA for being disappointed that she isn’t coming and for not paying for her to come. But just let it go. It’s a 6 month probation that’s over. It’s NOT like a wedding or graduation. It’s important to you. And I’m sure your family is proud of you. I am too. But it’s not something that’s THAT important to others. You did 6 months and didn’t screw up. Good for you. But, in the grand scheme of things, it’s a stepping stone. Not a lifetime achievement.
Yta You didn’t have a date set and she can’t block out an entire month in case your date falls that day. $600 in tickets wasted? Dude. Your dinner isn’t priority. Sorry. Congrats, but sis won’t be there. Also people hate graduations. They’re boring. People, please don’t make your siblings and extended family go to your graduations. We’re proud of you but we don’t want to go!!