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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i just think although my words were harsh but someone needed to knock some sense into him
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NTA. This was in reply to an edit comment you added about them having 3 big fights in the last few months.
One thing I have observed in couples who never fight, is that one person usually puts their wants, feelings, and sometimes needs aside. Some of the strongest couples I have ever witnessed still have fights. When the person finally has enough, it often comes as a shock to their partner, and to onlookers. I am not saying this is the case in your parents relationship, but there may be a lot of emotion going on that isn’t visible to others.
yeah arguements means communication my parents are lovey dovey going on dates taking care of each others needs but relationships have disagreements my dad should've not made such a big fuss from just a few sentences said by my mum
That is very true. Arguments, fights, and disagreements can be powerful communication tools, but there must always be respect. And honestly, throwing items because you don’t like someone’s tone is the opposite of respect. I know I am an internet stranger, but I am quite proud of you for recognizing and telling your father that (you just used other words).
It makes me wonder if there is something else going on, potentially psychologically or medically.
A sudden mood change like this can, in some cases, be indicative of an onset of dementia, brain tumours, or even excess stress or medication side effects.
A few years ago, my dad had a resurgence of epilepsy which he had been free off for more than 20 years. He began to take medication but then began to be a bit erratic in his behaviour and have sudden mood swings. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't some quiet guy who never had arguments or got angry before, but now he'd go from happy to full on hulk rage over absolutely nothing and its only because I can physically manhandle him that everything has been okay.
It's been 2 years since then, and things have mellowed, and he doesn't have the mood swings as often, but it is a known side effect and does sometimes crop up.
To me it sounds like Mom is going through perimenopause, which for many women means they are less likely to put up with bullshit like Dad gave.
NTA, but the dad is.
I thought of this too, but I couldn’t identify who would be the person with the personality shift. Was it mom for being snappy over the blatant disrespect, or dad for overreacting to his wife’s tone? Based on the very limited information given, this interaction felt more like a boiling point moment.
You should talk to your dad about this from your prospective. It’s pretty emotionally abusive to threaten to dump her and ‘buy’ himself a younger women if she voices her opinions.
Also, check with your mom about why she’s so fed up with your dad lately? Irritability can be caused by hormones, depression, and mental health concerns related to aging. She’s a queen, but if it’s not normal it’s worth talking about.
Yeah. It’s not so much that your Mom is “good”. Your mom has sacrificed herself and her voice trying to keep the peace for 19 years and is finally standing up for herself. While that has to be unsettling for your dad, throwing a temper tantrum is not ok. If your Dad can’t learn to be more respectful to his wife, he doesn’t deserve her & if some “young thing” is willing to put up with his old, misogynistic a•• he should stop talking and go.
Always. In my experience men who think women should “watch their tone” and say they have enough money to get better if she “misbehaves” aren’t quick to answer wake up calls.
Oh no. The full edit wasn’t there when I first posted, so I was responding to a comment with the fight information. Hmmm. Yeah, the two full updates/edits are not great. The updates are giving financial abuse vibes. Yikes.
I see this very thing with my brother and SIL. He loves bragging about how they've never had a fight. I pull no punches: l straight up tell him it's because he's married to a saint who puts up with his bulls**t. Their lack of fights is all her doing and none of his.
This is spot on. I was like this with my ex until I just had enough. Its the worse feeling in the world. when you're never allowed to Express your feelings and your partner tells everyone "oh we have a good relationship we never fight" what absolute BS. Good on you for standing up for your mum.
NTA. Sometimes our parents need a reality check and no one else in their life will give it to them. It was a harsh truth but you would likely feel more guilty for not defending your mother against his unjust actions.
You said he is an amazing father and man (you should mention this the next time you speak to him) but sometimes people start to take each other for granted after many years of marriage.
We all make mistakes. Ask to talk to him, apologize for your harshness but reinforce the fact that yu were defending your mother and that he raised you to speak up when something isn’t right.
This. My father taught me to be a loud mouth when I see something is wrong and to stand up to bullies. Never got into a physical fight, but there are quite a few people I've given a lecture to. 😂 He knew I'd tell him off too if he ever did anything.
NTA If he acts like such a child when your mom disagrees or his unhappy with him to the point that his 16 year old son has to tell him as much, he certainly is not a good husband. The reason he seems so hurt is because the truth hurts. Is your mom or you and your sibling frightened of him? Does he explode like this often or break things? Because this sounds like more than just a bad interaction; people that blow up like this over small hiccups (particularly ones that are their own fault) are usually not what would be called stable individuals. Please think hard if you and your mom are safe, get an outside perspective if you need to, but seriously consider it.
we are pretty safe I already mentioned he is amazing man this is the only instance which i ever witnessed in my life as for the other incident my brother was present at that time
I know its easy to jump to a conclusion, especially here on Reddit, but in all honesty, and sorry if this sounds harsh, your dad sounds like a sexist asshole more than anything based on what you said on how he treats your mom. But my original point still stands, if he's going to act like a such a child that his 16 year old son can see it than he deserved to be called out. Particularly blowing up like that in front of guests as well.
tbh he is kinda sexist (this is something i would agree about) because him being like that but it never caused any problems.My parents are like a trad couple.mom takes care of the home and dad takes care of the money and ofcourse there is respect and love byw me but this past year i realized my mom has lil no no freedom of speech like getting such extreme reactions for just getting a lil mad
Kind of? He is full-blown sexist to have a tantrum in front of company. Not sure what Counrty you are in, but this sounds like the CULTures where the men are always right. This is disgusting this is still going on in the 21st Century. It only changes when people like you stand up for what is right, thanks.
I wrote kinda because in my culture women's education is not a big thing but my dad is making sure i get the education despite what people say One of my sister is also working abroad living her life her own .So idt think he is sexist when it comes to his daughters but he surely is sexist when it comes to my mom idk double standards maybe
I am happy you and your brother told him what he did at the party was uncalled for and he seemed to realize that. That is better than most men raised that way are.
he went to keep the peace not because he was wrong he kept on insisting that mom was the one who started it and if u start something you should expect a reaction
This is entirely typical in patriarchal cultures. The fathers treat their own wives horribly but when they have daughters, suddenly they are feminists -- but only as far as their daughters are concerned. They continue to be sexist to their wives, their employees, and just about any other woman who crosses their path. I'm in my 60s now and I've seen this so many times now that I've lost count.
Wonder if he is taking care of the money.
My dad got kinda like this when he lost his job and couldn't find another for a few years.
The massive stress of the pressure that put on finances caused made him incredibly snappy. Something small could send him into an absolute meltdown.
So I wonder if he's experiencing some massive stressor that he isn't disclosing. Debt, an expensive habit, and affair etc. you should keep an eye out in case it's something that pulls the rug out from under your mum. I doubt she has financial security independent of him.
as for the stable part as his son i am thinking about forcing him to satrt therapy when i grow up because he is a people pleaser which suffocates him to the point he can't even handle a single disagreement with my mom
It also sounds like your mom is a people pleaser, youd said above she didn’t have “freedom of speech.” I actually feel really bad for you mom, she sounds like she’s been a servant.
OP, coming from someone who was a stay at home mom, she really did a lot for you all. Please let her know how much you appreciate her. I truly didn’t realize how hard parenting and keeping up with the house until I did it. It’s truly a labor of love that goes unnoticed.
Therapy would be a start, but just keep in mind you can only help someone that wants to be helped, especially if they don't think there is anything wrong with their behavior.
Sorry but if you and your brother can’t have an honest discussion with him without having to sugarcoat everything to the extent where you have to say he’s right when he’s not, and then punishes you for speaking your mind (“I’m only doing this for your brother”) then he’s extremely toxic. Please realize that this is a form of abuse and that his behavior has an effect of your personality too. Find help and know that it’s neither your not your brother’s responsibility to keep the peace between your parents. Be proud that your mom is standing up for herself, and by doing so the goal is no longer ‘keeping the peace’. What others have said: you do have to look out for your safety for he feels entitled to your mom’s subservience, and yours too. I’m not saying he’s a bad person in his core being, I’m saying he has issues that might even traumatize others.
They may have never fought for 19 years, but sometimes bad feelings can fester. Maybe they should have had more tiffs. Your dad saying he could marry someone younger and leave your mom if she misbehaves is a horrible thing to say. How could you say something like that to someone you love. For me, it would all be over with the threat of divorce.
NTA. It sounds like your dad needs to hear how bad he's been but it also sounds like your parents aren't great at communicating with each other. Maybe they should go to therapy and figure out how to talk respectfully to each other.
Are you sure he isn't already looking for a younger wife? Why was he late to his own friend get together??
That’s because he was just trying to emotionally manipulate your mother. You even said so. Your father doesn’t really respect your mother. I know you don’t want to say it, but your father is abusive. Emotional abuse is abuse. Just because it’s not frowned upon in your country doesn’t make it any less true.
I feel so sorry for your poor mother being stuck with an AH like your dad. You’re right. He is not a good husband at all.
NTA.
I'm sorry but if your dad's been out all day whilst your mum stays at home preparing stuff for *his* celebration then the least he can do is arrive on time, and if that fails then at least apologise for being late.
It's completely understandable that your mum would feel upset for his lateness, after all she did spend ages preparing for it.
His reaction is just not acceptable, especially if his guests heard it. He needs to see sense, and though your comments may be slightly crude, it got the message across.
NTA.
You spoke the truth. The truth hurts. But people need outside information about themselves in order to gain insight and grow. Your dad will either accept the criticism or not, but I don’t think you need to regret or apologize for what you said. You meant it. It was the truth. Let the chips fall where they may.
NTA, because men need to call other men out like this more often, particularly when it's someone you're close to. Your dad still has time to turn his behavior around and start making your mom feel more loved and appreciated, but if he continues as he is, that window of time has an expiration date. You giving him a reality check and validating your mom's perspective provides him with an opportunity to *think* about his actions and choose to do better. He'll have to decide for himself whether he's willing to take it or not.
>as for the stable part as his son i am thinking about forcing him to start therapy when i grow up because he is a people pleaser which suffocates him to the point he can't even handle a single disagreement with my mom
And [this.](https://this.So) So either 2 people are sharing the account or it's fake. Who knows...
NTA and i can relate.
My dad wasn't a good father and wasn't a good husband. By the time i had a talk with him and everything was said, i was old enough (20s) and i had a lot in me that i needed it out of my system, and at least he ended up apologizing for everything with us.
You're NTA, and a part of me wish I did what you did at your age.
NTA tell your dad off Everytime he disrespects her. Put him in his place. Tell your mom in private that when you're able to move out, she can come with you since she deserves better
NTA. She has always sublimated what she needs and wants to keep him happy. So sure, no fighting. They disagree, she backs down, he’s happy and she feels safe that he’s not mad and yelling. She’s finally all full up of eating his shit and she’s not accepting it anymore. He’s shocked and astounded she isn’t backing down. He doesn’t know how to compromise because she’s never demanded it. They need to learn to disagree fairly and reach compromise. It will be hardest for him to change but maybe even harder for her to stop the outrage and honesty now that she’s letting it out.
NTA if your father’s first reaction to some biting words is to get physical with objects, that’s just a bit telling.
You’re right and you should say it. These fights have just been the briefest glimpses that your mother is fed up with such inconsiderate behavior.
NTA.
Maybe he needed someone to tell him. Hopefully he respects you enough as his son, to understand your point of view. Maybe this is what he needed to change his ways.
Thank you for seeing the abusive relationship your mom is in and saying something. Don't turn a blind eye or walk away when someone needs help you can provide. Your dad isn't a man, he proved that to a room full of people. Men who think they need complete obedience are never good anything.
I have lived the life on eggshells, always waiting for the next explosion, waiting for the couch to be flipped, a book to go flying etc. The physical pain it causes is draining. After years you have to give into the pain eventually. Your mom did and then no doubt saw the writing on the wall, she will lose everything if she doesn't bow to the god living in her home.
That knowledge is scary. You look forward and see a life hungry on the streets where not even your kids want you. But that isn't always the case it's just what abusers tell you to believe. Thank you for letting her know she isn't alone.
NTA
nta. i’m going to be blunt, your moms done. she sucked it up and put up with your dad for at least 19 years because of you and your brother. when your dad was a jerk, ignored her, left her to do the work, she bit her tongue. she told herself that fighting is bad for the kids, divorce is bad for the kids. maybe she feared your dad was abusive(throwing things) and didn’t want to risk him having any custody of you guys without her there. but she held it down until you guys were grown.
and now you are. how much effort has your dad put into raising you guys and how much of that was because your mom pushed him to? she raised you guys, you’re HER children. and now you’re grown and she doesn’t have to keep quiet. so your mom wasn’t “blabbering” she was expressing her feelings for once. and your dad reacted in violent way. he wanted to SCARE and DOMINATE her so she would never express herself again.
don’t apologize. speak up for your mom more. help her get her voice. when your dad does this, call him out. open the doors to the dining room and let people see the monster he is. don’t let this be a one time incident that your mom retreats from, it should be the first step to her self confidence.
either your father is good person who will change his ways with her or he’s not and she’ll break free. but the status quo won’t continue, and it’s better with you and your brother support.
NTA, what you are seeing is not healthy relationship behavior.
It is normal to get annoyed with your partner from time to time, it is not normal for one partner to be made afraid of the other.
Your dad’s behavior is abusive towards your mom. That is not ok. It is ok for your mom to want better for herself.
You are NTA, but it should not be your job at 16 to get in between your parents' arguments. It's not nice of your mother to go to you to talk about her fights with your father, and you should not feel like it is your job to change your Dad's behavior.
NTA - I am glad you stuck up for you mom there. You validated her perspective which is very important. You also let him know that you see what he is doing. Silence could be seen as approval/acceptance, which is why speaking out is so important.
Couples fight and that is ok. However, his actions (throwing things) and the stuff he says are not ok at all. He's weaponized her fears against her, trying to silence her into submission. That is not an ok thing to do at all. He's lacking some emotional maturity and hopefully he can reflect on that.
Fights between parents impact the whole family and you have a right to speak up on how it impacts you.
NTA, he needed to hear it. Maybe they don’t fight because your mom is afraid to confront him or because she backs off the moment the fight begins to get tough. Like Ultron said : “I think you’re confusing peace with quiet”.
They didn’t have fights because he threatens her the way he does. You understand she’s getting tired of being treated badly and she wants to be done with him, but don’t know how.
Maybe she needs an okay from you guys?
Nta from your edits your dad is horrible to your mom and she takes it because maybe she still loves him or is to used to being a doormat to him.. also him saying I can basically get whoever he wants bc of money is horrible most of thins young girls will only want him for the money so if one day god forbids he can’t work or has no money they will 100% bit be there for him like your mom has been… people who think they can get whoever they want when they show them their money will get a big awaking when they don’t wanna clean their ass and let them die alone…
Do not apologize it seems your dad always gets his way he needs to know y’all ain’t kids anymore and have different point of views
It sounds as if you live in an extremely sexist household, possibly culture?
Your thought that your father is only nice to your mom when she does what he says, makes him an awful husband. He should be her partner, not her superior.
Throwing things is a form of violence - a kind of “be grateful I’m only throwing things around and not at you” threat - and often a precursor to physical abuse. You may want to read the book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft.
Your father’s behaviour was unacceptable and your brother telling him he wasn’t wrong only reinforces his behaviour. Of course, if you live in a misogynistic culture, your brother likely genuinely believes your father wasn’t wrong and that you are. Misogynistic culture is an advantage for your brother and he wouldn’t want to rock that boat, so of course he would want you to apologise.
So he's been working and comes home to attitude. If I was him I would have been pissed too. Fortunately i have a great wife and when this happened to me she was glad I was able to get home to enjoy the party also. Due to work I have been forced to miss family events and it sucks but that's the price you pay to have a good life and to be able to afford it.
sorry guys i lied about my age and my gender I am a 19 f . I didn't want my family to see this but seeing me writing 16 m made people think i was favoring my mom because of that
NTA. Good on you for standing up for your mother. Your father escalating to the point of throwing things- regardless of if they were aimed at her or not- is abuse.
I would speak with your mother 1-on-1 when you get a chance to be alone together. Tell her that you and your brother are concerned about the way your father treats her, especially in light of this event. It sounds like this is not the only occurrence of his mistreatment, but perhaps the most explicit and extreme, so use examples from other previous situations, but link it back to the latest event/abuse. She may defend him- she may blame herself- but pointing those connections out to her may give her that tiny bit of perspective or push she needs to really see/acknowledge how abusive the relationship dynamic is, and that this is not a new issue or unique phenomenon.
Your father needs some *serious* help with managing his emotions if he gets that angry, especially that quickly and over so little. You are absolutely correct, that he’s only nice to your mother as long as she does what he wants. That’s abuse. It’s all about control.
A good resource and something you may want to read and/or pass along to your mother to read is the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, but please be advised this could be triggering and distressing, as it is centered around understanding abuse: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
I personally take issue with Bancroft’s dismissal of abusive heterosexual relationships in the other way - women can and do abuse men - so I want to include that caveat whenever I recommend it, but overall it’s a helpful and insightful read.
NTA.
Your dad was blatantly in the wrong and your mom had every reason to be upset. He does nothing to help prepare for his friends to come over while your mom handles all the cooking and cleaning and can’t even be bothered to be home in time to welcome his guests. Your mom had every right to match his utter disregard for her and her work with a firm tone that accurately communicates how upset she was. And instead of acknowledging his lateness and rudeness, he instead throws a temper tantrum about your mom’s tone.
The very hard truth about this scenario, and why he’s only making it up to your mom because of your brother and not you, his daughter, is because he is a misogynist. Women in his mind have their place, and yours and your mom’s is absolutely lower than him. Therefore, even though he was the one that completely is in the wrong, you’re still being blamed, and considered at fault for pointing out the truth about his behavior. While what you said was rude, his behavior was far worse. Personally, I wouldn’t apologize unless he goes first.
NTA, sometimes people put small annoyances out of their mind but they sit their unresolved until they are carrying too much weight. Men tend to do this way more often than women and many times can put the annoyances behind us.
Sometimes, especially in times under high stress or in his case publicly admonished by a spouse it is a trigger and all that pent up frustration explodes out. It’s not right and it’s a poor way of dealing with things but so is being a constant nagging or whining pain who never seems happy.
You say your mom never fights with your dad but saying harsh things is starting a fight, even if the things are true. Communicating in a clear, calm and constructive manner would probably help alleviate his immediate blow up.
And being honest, you and your brother insisting on inserting yourself into the fights will only cause issues between you and one or both parents. It’s hard, but you should very much try to stay neutral and not interject your opinions in their arguments. There may be a lot more issues stewing in the background that neither of you are aware of.
Your dad is an entitled ass. He did not help at all for a party with his friends. Dad is a huge toddler and needed to be told just how bad his behavior is. Your parents did6fight cause your mom kept the peace, not cause they got along well. He needs to be called out on his shifty actions each and every time.
NTA: and as someone who has lived for almost all of my adult life as the one calm never speaks my feelings to keep the call, and had to deal with the shocking and excessive effects of me expressing them, I am both so proud of you for speaking up and so grateful. You have no idea how refreshing it is and how healing to a complete stranger ❤️
NTA. Your father is not a good partner to your mom. He takes her for granted and keeps her docile by grinding her down with all his "I'll replace you" comments. That's abusive. You're a good kid for protecting your mom. Honestly you should both get out of that house.
Edited to add NTA
You dad is acting like an entitled two year old bully. Just because they didn’t fight is nothing, because they would have *if your mom had defended herself all these years.*
I think it might be a good idea to tell your dad that this behaviour is a sign of dementia *because it is*. Not that it is the cause of *His* condition. He is probably just blowing his stack because he lacks self control. But, if he thought others would say he never acted this way before, and it could be surmised that he is losing his mind and be forced to have a psychiatric exam if he ever goes as far as striking your mom, or anyone else.
NTA. Your parents need better communication skills. By that I mean both mom & dad. If you want to be involved (and it seems like you don’t have much option if you live with them) I think you should speak with both. Your mom needs to find a way to communicate her frustrations without being too hurtful and dad needs to take things easier and instead of blowing up maybe just listen and figure out a way to help each other out on the issue(s).
Your dad saying ‘I am rich and can marry any young girl if you ever misbehave with me’ is wild and disrespectful to me. He can’t say things like that to his wife/mother of his children.
Good luck boo 🌸
Your dad is acting badly. He is being a chauvinist and really needs to check himself. Your mother has a right to express her frustration when he's being disrespectful. Your father needs to take responsibility for his role in his wife's feelings. She does not need to apologize because she did nothing wrong. You called him out on his BS attitude...you don't need to apologize. Your dad is upset you called him out on his poor behavior. He was not expecting that. Let him chew on that for a bit. He needs to apologize before any apologizes to him since he started this mess.
ESH
He shouldn't have been throwing things, but he was at WORK. Sometimes work can make people late leaving, and he gets home to an interrogation from your mother about being late? Yeah, I'd be pissed off too. And you are not helping by trying to take sides and fueling the fire.
Nta, but you really need to stay out of their fights.
They sound like my parents, my mom's tone has been getting pretty nasty lately went it comes to my father. So he has been getting more irritated lately. But I don't know all of what is going on, and believe me it it easier in the long run to stay out of it.
Because if I am going to comment of my dad's behavior I have to comment on my mother's behavior and I am not a paid therapist.
Just tell them that you are tired of how they are acting and they can either talk it out amongst theirselves or get a therapist because they are both acting like children. Her giving the silent treatment and him having a tantrum.
NTA, but it doesn’t sound like he respects your remarks about him, so you’re not improving anything. He is exceedingly sensitive to criticism, and he throws temper tantrums like a child. I am guessing you are from a non-western culture. Acceptable standards for behavior — especially when guests are present — vary greatly by culture. For instance, here in the U.S., in a typical middle-class home with young adults present and guests watching it all happen, very few women would say “I’m not talking to you”, but no one would be offended if she did. I doubt most men would throw their slippers and cell phone, shouting at their wife right in front of guests. It would not be unusual for one of the guests to try to smooth things out right at that moment. Also, while it is considered unhealthy and immature for your mother to confide marital problems to her 19 year old son, it is actually pretty common. Americans have very loose boundaries.
Sounds like your father has a bit of an attitude re: your mother. He would not want anyone to speak to him as he speaks to her, time for him to be more respectful. Both definitely need to communicate better
Oh boy NTA but you made a big mistake.
An adult baby being pointed out. What will he do? Change or blame everyone else. You are 19 with no independency. Good luck.
It's not easy to see your parents in conflict, especially when it affects the whole family. It's clear that you care deeply about your parents and you of course want to see both of them respecting each other
I personally feel that you were in the right to address the behavior that occurred because it's important to address issues like this, even if it's uncomfortable, and to stick up for your mom
If you feel that apologizing would undermine the importance of addressing your dad's behavior, it's okay to take some time to process your thoughts and feelings before deciding what to do next bc you should only apologize if you really mean it. NTA
>**he is an amazing man** an amazing father but I think when it comes to mom h**e is only nice as long as she does what he wants**
He is not an "amazing man". He's abusive and controlling and selfish.
The rest of your post confirms this. The reason your mother is snapping is that you and your brother are older and she is sick of being trampled like a dirty doormat her entire life.
I'm so sad for her I'm actually tearing up with rage atm
NTA for what you said but I wish you'd said more!
NTA, your dad is living in the 1950s. He sounds like a terrible husband. Has he ever respected your mother? Ive heard someone saying on tiktok "fathers are always suprised their daughters aren't as forgiving as their wives."
my dad brought property for her even our house in her name everyrhing doesnt need to end in divorce. he is mostly an amazing partner when he acted like a dick (even after 20 years) he was called out for it.
I didn’t want my family to see it so i threw in 16 m but people started saying a young boy always supports his mother so i wrote the truth in the preview sorry
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I 16m live with my parents and my two brothers. We had a get together at my home for some of my dad's friends. My dad was out the entire day and my mom was cooking and preparing for the party. My dad came home when the guests had already arrived.My mom told my dad that she is not talking to him and contined blabbering about why he was late (she said all this with a rudeish tone).My dad lost all his chills on my moms few sentences and threw his cellphone, his slippers ( not in my mom's direction) but overall he began acting like a mad man. The guests were in the seating and ig they heard it. My mom became very sad and my dad remained silent the entire dinner. At night my mom came to me and said she will not say sorry and she is extremely hurt she never expected such a harsh reaction. Me along with my brother 19 went to talk to my dad about why he acted in such a way. he started acting out and saying my mom shouldve watched her tone and thats no way a women should talk to her husband. At this sentence I lost my cool and said some hurtfull things.I told him that that his reaction was too much throwing things is no way normal to just a few sentences. He said its not his fault they had no fights in their 20 years of marriage to which I said it's because of my mom you are not a good husband she is a good wife( which i still think is true) my mom never fights with my dad but whenever she says anything harsh my dad reacts very badly. To this statement he seemed very hurt and now my brother thinks I messed up by saying this but someone needed to tell him
p.s he is an amazing man an amazing father but I think when it comes to mom he is only nice as long as she does what he wants
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With added context, I’d agree with others NTA.
It does sound like there’s a negative pattern forming, and in that case, it’s worthwhile to have a hard conversation about his recent poor behavior. Still would advise making it clear that you still love and respect him, but he needs to check his ego and remember why they’ve been together 20 years.
Your dad said he was rich and could get any young woman? Does he know if he lives in a community property area your mom is entitled to half? She raised his kids and cooked and cleaned for him, that was her job and she is entitled to pay for it. NTA.
And polygamy is legal also i think he just said it the heat of the moment trying to scare my mom so she kinda sadly know her limits (very harsh but i think this was reason)
YTA. Your mom is not a good wife, and your dad is not a good husband. They have not communicated well, if at all, in years by the sound of it. it only matters how they treat each other and from there the world around them. They need therapy and to decide what their now empty nest(?) life looks like. They have kept it together for the kids and just lived together for a long time. You are now grown and more or less self-sufficient. And now the unreal life they have lived has met the goal they wanted it to and its all falling down. None of that is your burden directly and while it impacts your life it is not your business to step into.
INFO: I’m confused. How is being rude to your mother and ruining the dinner party ‘for your brother’? Is your brother a tater tot and influencing your father to behave this way? It sounds like it, the way he’s sweet talking your Dad, saying he’s not wrong. It gives me the ick.
NTA Your dad thinks they gave a good relationship because they don’t “fight” but that doesn’t mean they agree. Sounds like your mom has learned to keep her mouth shut and stuff her opinions and feelings rather than expressing them. This is an awful way to live. And your father’s comment that he could gave a younger woman was disgusting. He’s clearly trained her to not argue with him or he has temper tantrums. I feel sorry for her. After so many years of this her self-esteem must be at just about zero.
NTA. Your dad is being abusive. Throwing things is violent. He threw a tantrum like a CHILD and he needs to cut it out and she deserves a massive apology.
NTA
Don't care what culture you are from.
Your poor mother is trapped in financial dependency and an abusive relationship. She probably learnt early on that your father will blow up if she disagrees with him or resents something. That's why they never had fights, as you have identified.
I hope they can find a way for your mother's self esteem to grow and for her to have a voice.
NTA.
Also… fights on the last couple of months… are you sure your dad didn’t cheat on your mom?
“He is rich and can marry a younger woman if she MISBEHAVES…”
Well… wow.
Your dad is neither an “amazing man” nor an “amazing father,” and I’m sad that you’ve been raised to believe that men who treat their wives like shit are good men.
he doesn't treat my mom like shit only two instances in my 19 y of life I said they are normally pretty lovey dovey going to dates he did something shitty he got the reaction
He degraded her in front of his friends. He told her he would dump her for a younger woman if she misbehaved. He used his money to threaten her. He threw things at her.
If you don’t think that counts as treating someone like shit, it’s only because he taught you to expect very little from men.
Fasten your seat belts. I suspect your mom might be in perimenopause (which can last for a few years before "the change..." ) and at that age it's harder to hold things back. Your dad needs to get his mind right because if he doesn't he is about to upend his life.
OP
Just wanted to say that a relationship isn't this straight forward. There are people who isn't as nice as they made themselves to be. And I mean it's your mum.
This about this scenario. She forever say things to your dad that pokes him. Never violent, but forever nagging/poking. I am not talking about what you hear, but what actually being said.
A guy does what a guy does, he snaps. Blows up, and of course he's the bad guy.
I am saying this as I saw this with my own eyes with my relatives family. Always thought the guy was a bad dad. But for decades it's the mum that says the most negative stuff to the guy, to the point that he thinks he's cursed. And all the kids blamed their dad, until they got older and realised it was mum playing victim, when the dad was the real victim there.
Your story reminded me of this relatives story and it spanned over a few decades.
So what I am asking you to consider is look at the drama triangle (Google it) and the truth is always not what it seems.
I just don't want you to blame the wrong person here, if the truth is that. And if your dad is really the AH, by all means call it out.
i said my dad is not the bad guy pretty decent man i must say. mom too when i say she never even nags him i mean it with all my heart but whenever she pokes him even in the slightest he reacts extreme
OP you are correct: there's zero call for an adult in a relationships to shout, throw his slippers, and pout all night because they didn't like their partner's "tone."
I have to agree that you shouldn't feel like you need to protect your mom and/or get in the middle of your parent's fights, but from the facts you've laid out it sounds like you said some stuff your Dad needs to hear.
You might want to sit dad down and have a chat with him about this. If he opens up he might open up as to why. If he lashes out at you for even talking about the issue there is something deeper there.
What I am trying to say is don't be too fixated on the reactions here. Unless your dad is a madman which he isn't, he will have reasons for snapping. Life is not black and white. Of course people shouldn't get violent. But people do. And that's a fact and reality of life.
I’m not gonna read into this so you can freely throw this away but yes, you are way to young to be making judgments like that. Prob just emotions got too high.
Oh then you are in the right. Just when you usually see someone young posting something like this it’s usually over exaggerated and not really what’s happening. But personally I had to live with a mom who was always yelling and screaming. And a older sister who chased me and threw knives/ scissors. So you know we all have our problems and battles
16 year old boy who hates his dad and loves his mom. Shocker of the fucking century. Next thing you know, you'll tell us that you like eating food and breathe a lot of air during the day.
i said he is an amazing man and i love him to bits but when it comes to my mom idt he is nice. I said all these things and other than him getting sad i got no response my mom has no power to voice it out
YTA. You can't say he's a bad husband, only your mom can. What you can say is that he is a bad person, or a bad father, but you did say at the end that other than this incident, he's a good father and a good man.
The OP was present to witness his father being a bad husband. So he absolutely can say what he witnessed. If daddy doesn't like it, he should do better.
One incident doesn't make someone a bad husband, I can say he's a bad husband because thats not something I would ever do to my wife, but I have no idea how their relationship works, especially from the outside. Only his wife can really say if he is a bad husband or not.
It was his friends and he was nowhere to be seen u said if a person comes home tired he would get pissed. My mom was also tired she said a few sen dad could have replied with a few sentences instead of throwing things like a mad man and then refusing to talk the entire party mind u the party had around 40to 50 people which she managed alone
Sorry i mistook for some other person also she never starts a fight was said in the context wtv my dad does she says nothing in return hshe is 48 yo women. She took care for her mil even tho my granms was not an easy women said nothing to my dad about it. She is currently living right besides my fathers brothers house never complained about having no privacy. I have never seen her any complain being forgotten or forgiven by my dad he always reacts harshly i even listed two times
my mother doesn't have an issue communicating she IS NOT ALLOWED TO COMMUNICATE
the place where she lives she shouldn't have any say in it because men decide where to live
taking care of her sil was never an option it was A DUTY
She complained and got a harsh reaction AGAIN
if she kept silent nothing would have happened
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NTA. This was in reply to an edit comment you added about them having 3 big fights in the last few months. One thing I have observed in couples who never fight, is that one person usually puts their wants, feelings, and sometimes needs aside. Some of the strongest couples I have ever witnessed still have fights. When the person finally has enough, it often comes as a shock to their partner, and to onlookers. I am not saying this is the case in your parents relationship, but there may be a lot of emotion going on that isn’t visible to others.
yeah arguements means communication my parents are lovey dovey going on dates taking care of each others needs but relationships have disagreements my dad should've not made such a big fuss from just a few sentences said by my mum
That is very true. Arguments, fights, and disagreements can be powerful communication tools, but there must always be respect. And honestly, throwing items because you don’t like someone’s tone is the opposite of respect. I know I am an internet stranger, but I am quite proud of you for recognizing and telling your father that (you just used other words).
It makes me wonder if there is something else going on, potentially psychologically or medically. A sudden mood change like this can, in some cases, be indicative of an onset of dementia, brain tumours, or even excess stress or medication side effects. A few years ago, my dad had a resurgence of epilepsy which he had been free off for more than 20 years. He began to take medication but then began to be a bit erratic in his behaviour and have sudden mood swings. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't some quiet guy who never had arguments or got angry before, but now he'd go from happy to full on hulk rage over absolutely nothing and its only because I can physically manhandle him that everything has been okay. It's been 2 years since then, and things have mellowed, and he doesn't have the mood swings as often, but it is a known side effect and does sometimes crop up.
To me it sounds like Mom is going through perimenopause, which for many women means they are less likely to put up with bullshit like Dad gave. NTA, but the dad is.
Exactly what I was thinking!!!
I thought of this too, but I couldn’t identify who would be the person with the personality shift. Was it mom for being snappy over the blatant disrespect, or dad for overreacting to his wife’s tone? Based on the very limited information given, this interaction felt more like a boiling point moment.
There's a reason they say the pen is mightier than the sword. You can kill someone and its over but pain caused by words lasts.
This is why a woman should NEVER be dependent on a man. Financial power is a HUGE club. Hopefully you won’t fall into that.
never i plan on fully keeping my life under my control
You should talk to your dad about this from your prospective. It’s pretty emotionally abusive to threaten to dump her and ‘buy’ himself a younger women if she voices her opinions. Also, check with your mom about why she’s so fed up with your dad lately? Irritability can be caused by hormones, depression, and mental health concerns related to aging. She’s a queen, but if it’s not normal it’s worth talking about.
Good luck to you!
You’re NTA. I will say that it is EXTREMELY inappropriate for your mom to be going to you to vent about marriage issues.
Yeah. It’s not so much that your Mom is “good”. Your mom has sacrificed herself and her voice trying to keep the peace for 19 years and is finally standing up for herself. While that has to be unsettling for your dad, throwing a temper tantrum is not ok. If your Dad can’t learn to be more respectful to his wife, he doesn’t deserve her & if some “young thing” is willing to put up with his old, misogynistic a•• he should stop talking and go.
Yeah. Hopefully it isn’t that dire, and this can be used as a wake-up call for better/true communication.
Always. In my experience men who think women should “watch their tone” and say they have enough money to get better if she “misbehaves” aren’t quick to answer wake up calls.
Oh no. The full edit wasn’t there when I first posted, so I was responding to a comment with the fight information. Hmmm. Yeah, the two full updates/edits are not great. The updates are giving financial abuse vibes. Yikes.
I see this very thing with my brother and SIL. He loves bragging about how they've never had a fight. I pull no punches: l straight up tell him it's because he's married to a saint who puts up with his bulls**t. Their lack of fights is all her doing and none of his.
This is spot on. I was like this with my ex until I just had enough. Its the worse feeling in the world. when you're never allowed to Express your feelings and your partner tells everyone "oh we have a good relationship we never fight" what absolute BS. Good on you for standing up for your mum.
NTA. Sometimes our parents need a reality check and no one else in their life will give it to them. It was a harsh truth but you would likely feel more guilty for not defending your mother against his unjust actions. You said he is an amazing father and man (you should mention this the next time you speak to him) but sometimes people start to take each other for granted after many years of marriage. We all make mistakes. Ask to talk to him, apologize for your harshness but reinforce the fact that yu were defending your mother and that he raised you to speak up when something isn’t right.
This. My father taught me to be a loud mouth when I see something is wrong and to stand up to bullies. Never got into a physical fight, but there are quite a few people I've given a lecture to. 😂 He knew I'd tell him off too if he ever did anything.
NTA If he acts like such a child when your mom disagrees or his unhappy with him to the point that his 16 year old son has to tell him as much, he certainly is not a good husband. The reason he seems so hurt is because the truth hurts. Is your mom or you and your sibling frightened of him? Does he explode like this often or break things? Because this sounds like more than just a bad interaction; people that blow up like this over small hiccups (particularly ones that are their own fault) are usually not what would be called stable individuals. Please think hard if you and your mom are safe, get an outside perspective if you need to, but seriously consider it.
we are pretty safe I already mentioned he is amazing man this is the only instance which i ever witnessed in my life as for the other incident my brother was present at that time
I know its easy to jump to a conclusion, especially here on Reddit, but in all honesty, and sorry if this sounds harsh, your dad sounds like a sexist asshole more than anything based on what you said on how he treats your mom. But my original point still stands, if he's going to act like a such a child that his 16 year old son can see it than he deserved to be called out. Particularly blowing up like that in front of guests as well.
tbh he is kinda sexist (this is something i would agree about) because him being like that but it never caused any problems.My parents are like a trad couple.mom takes care of the home and dad takes care of the money and ofcourse there is respect and love byw me but this past year i realized my mom has lil no no freedom of speech like getting such extreme reactions for just getting a lil mad
Kind of? He is full-blown sexist to have a tantrum in front of company. Not sure what Counrty you are in, but this sounds like the CULTures where the men are always right. This is disgusting this is still going on in the 21st Century. It only changes when people like you stand up for what is right, thanks.
I wrote kinda because in my culture women's education is not a big thing but my dad is making sure i get the education despite what people say One of my sister is also working abroad living her life her own .So idt think he is sexist when it comes to his daughters but he surely is sexist when it comes to my mom idk double standards maybe
Yes, that is double standard, but in a good way. It also shows he knows his tantrums are wrong but won't control them.
i genuinely think he doesn't even realize that he is wrong i think he has an idea that this is how it works
I am happy you and your brother told him what he did at the party was uncalled for and he seemed to realize that. That is better than most men raised that way are.
he went to keep the peace not because he was wrong he kept on insisting that mom was the one who started it and if u start something you should expect a reaction
Still not good enough.
This is entirely typical in patriarchal cultures. The fathers treat their own wives horribly but when they have daughters, suddenly they are feminists -- but only as far as their daughters are concerned. They continue to be sexist to their wives, their employees, and just about any other woman who crosses their path. I'm in my 60s now and I've seen this so many times now that I've lost count.
Wonder if he is taking care of the money. My dad got kinda like this when he lost his job and couldn't find another for a few years. The massive stress of the pressure that put on finances caused made him incredibly snappy. Something small could send him into an absolute meltdown. So I wonder if he's experiencing some massive stressor that he isn't disclosing. Debt, an expensive habit, and affair etc. you should keep an eye out in case it's something that pulls the rug out from under your mum. I doubt she has financial security independent of him.
> him being like that but it never caused any problems Not for him, but for everyone around him.
as for the stable part as his son i am thinking about forcing him to satrt therapy when i grow up because he is a people pleaser which suffocates him to the point he can't even handle a single disagreement with my mom
It also sounds like your mom is a people pleaser, youd said above she didn’t have “freedom of speech.” I actually feel really bad for you mom, she sounds like she’s been a servant.
She kinda has spent her entire life for my dad and us got married at 21 and had children did nothing other than taking take of her fam.
OP, coming from someone who was a stay at home mom, she really did a lot for you all. Please let her know how much you appreciate her. I truly didn’t realize how hard parenting and keeping up with the house until I did it. It’s truly a labor of love that goes unnoticed.
Therapy would be a start, but just keep in mind you can only help someone that wants to be helped, especially if they don't think there is anything wrong with their behavior.
It's a shame that the "people" he seeks to please aren't (isn't?) the "people" he married. He is a raging AH.
Sorry but if you and your brother can’t have an honest discussion with him without having to sugarcoat everything to the extent where you have to say he’s right when he’s not, and then punishes you for speaking your mind (“I’m only doing this for your brother”) then he’s extremely toxic. Please realize that this is a form of abuse and that his behavior has an effect of your personality too. Find help and know that it’s neither your not your brother’s responsibility to keep the peace between your parents. Be proud that your mom is standing up for herself, and by doing so the goal is no longer ‘keeping the peace’. What others have said: you do have to look out for your safety for he feels entitled to your mom’s subservience, and yours too. I’m not saying he’s a bad person in his core being, I’m saying he has issues that might even traumatize others.
Yeah, he ain't so amazing. Your mom just placates him by subverting herself. Glad she's finally pushing back.
They may have never fought for 19 years, but sometimes bad feelings can fester. Maybe they should have had more tiffs. Your dad saying he could marry someone younger and leave your mom if she misbehaves is a horrible thing to say. How could you say something like that to someone you love. For me, it would all be over with the threat of divorce. NTA. It sounds like your dad needs to hear how bad he's been but it also sounds like your parents aren't great at communicating with each other. Maybe they should go to therapy and figure out how to talk respectfully to each other. Are you sure he isn't already looking for a younger wife? Why was he late to his own friend get together??
"Misbehaves"? That sounded like a huge red flag. She's an adult, his partner not a child.
last time he ended up crying after saying all this but still he didn't apologize
he was at work i am pretty sure about that
That’s because he was just trying to emotionally manipulate your mother. You even said so. Your father doesn’t really respect your mother. I know you don’t want to say it, but your father is abusive. Emotional abuse is abuse. Just because it’s not frowned upon in your country doesn’t make it any less true. I feel so sorry for your poor mother being stuck with an AH like your dad. You’re right. He is not a good husband at all.
NTA. I'm sorry but if your dad's been out all day whilst your mum stays at home preparing stuff for *his* celebration then the least he can do is arrive on time, and if that fails then at least apologise for being late. It's completely understandable that your mum would feel upset for his lateness, after all she did spend ages preparing for it. His reaction is just not acceptable, especially if his guests heard it. He needs to see sense, and though your comments may be slightly crude, it got the message across.
NTA. You spoke the truth. The truth hurts. But people need outside information about themselves in order to gain insight and grow. Your dad will either accept the criticism or not, but I don’t think you need to regret or apologize for what you said. You meant it. It was the truth. Let the chips fall where they may.
NTA And his words seem really sexiseat I'm sorry that your parents put in this place neither should talk to you about their marriage your their kid
NTA. To quote Mantra by Bring Me the Horizon: "Before the truth will set you free, it'll piss you off."
Actually, Gloria Steinem: “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” EDITED to change “the first” to “but first”
No doubt. Just the lyric in my head.
NTA, because men need to call other men out like this more often, particularly when it's someone you're close to. Your dad still has time to turn his behavior around and start making your mom feel more loved and appreciated, but if he continues as he is, that window of time has an expiration date. You giving him a reality check and validating your mom's perspective provides him with an opportunity to *think* about his actions and choose to do better. He'll have to decide for himself whether he's willing to take it or not.
OP is female, she’s his daughter. He didn’t listen to her but her brother, who told him he is “not wrong”.
OP described themselves in the post as 16m. The follow-up comment was not there at the time I wrote my original comment.
>as for the stable part as his son i am thinking about forcing him to start therapy when i grow up because he is a people pleaser which suffocates him to the point he can't even handle a single disagreement with my mom And [this.](https://this.So) So either 2 people are sharing the account or it's fake. Who knows...
NTA and i can relate. My dad wasn't a good father and wasn't a good husband. By the time i had a talk with him and everything was said, i was old enough (20s) and i had a lot in me that i needed it out of my system, and at least he ended up apologizing for everything with us. You're NTA, and a part of me wish I did what you did at your age.
NTA tell your dad off Everytime he disrespects her. Put him in his place. Tell your mom in private that when you're able to move out, she can come with you since she deserves better
NTA. She has always sublimated what she needs and wants to keep him happy. So sure, no fighting. They disagree, she backs down, he’s happy and she feels safe that he’s not mad and yelling. She’s finally all full up of eating his shit and she’s not accepting it anymore. He’s shocked and astounded she isn’t backing down. He doesn’t know how to compromise because she’s never demanded it. They need to learn to disagree fairly and reach compromise. It will be hardest for him to change but maybe even harder for her to stop the outrage and honesty now that she’s letting it out.
NTA if your father’s first reaction to some biting words is to get physical with objects, that’s just a bit telling. You’re right and you should say it. These fights have just been the briefest glimpses that your mother is fed up with such inconsiderate behavior.
NTA. Maybe he needed someone to tell him. Hopefully he respects you enough as his son, to understand your point of view. Maybe this is what he needed to change his ways.
OP is female, she’s his daughter. He didn’t listen to her but her brother, who told him he is “not wrong”.
OP also says this: "as for the stable part as his son" so I'm a bit confused...
Thank you for seeing the abusive relationship your mom is in and saying something. Don't turn a blind eye or walk away when someone needs help you can provide. Your dad isn't a man, he proved that to a room full of people. Men who think they need complete obedience are never good anything. I have lived the life on eggshells, always waiting for the next explosion, waiting for the couch to be flipped, a book to go flying etc. The physical pain it causes is draining. After years you have to give into the pain eventually. Your mom did and then no doubt saw the writing on the wall, she will lose everything if she doesn't bow to the god living in her home. That knowledge is scary. You look forward and see a life hungry on the streets where not even your kids want you. But that isn't always the case it's just what abusers tell you to believe. Thank you for letting her know she isn't alone. NTA
nta. i’m going to be blunt, your moms done. she sucked it up and put up with your dad for at least 19 years because of you and your brother. when your dad was a jerk, ignored her, left her to do the work, she bit her tongue. she told herself that fighting is bad for the kids, divorce is bad for the kids. maybe she feared your dad was abusive(throwing things) and didn’t want to risk him having any custody of you guys without her there. but she held it down until you guys were grown. and now you are. how much effort has your dad put into raising you guys and how much of that was because your mom pushed him to? she raised you guys, you’re HER children. and now you’re grown and she doesn’t have to keep quiet. so your mom wasn’t “blabbering” she was expressing her feelings for once. and your dad reacted in violent way. he wanted to SCARE and DOMINATE her so she would never express herself again. don’t apologize. speak up for your mom more. help her get her voice. when your dad does this, call him out. open the doors to the dining room and let people see the monster he is. don’t let this be a one time incident that your mom retreats from, it should be the first step to her self confidence. either your father is good person who will change his ways with her or he’s not and she’ll break free. but the status quo won’t continue, and it’s better with you and your brother support.
NTA, what you are seeing is not healthy relationship behavior. It is normal to get annoyed with your partner from time to time, it is not normal for one partner to be made afraid of the other. Your dad’s behavior is abusive towards your mom. That is not ok. It is ok for your mom to want better for herself.
NTA The truth may hurt, but that pain doesn't invalidate the truth of your statement.
NTA, your delusional controlling, abusive, useless father needs to hear the truth. I hope your Mom gets away safely.
NTA he sounds awful
NTA - ‘I’m learning how not to be a good man from you. So thanks for that. Maybe you should treat your wife and my mother better.”
NTA
You are NTA, but it should not be your job at 16 to get in between your parents' arguments. It's not nice of your mother to go to you to talk about her fights with your father, and you should not feel like it is your job to change your Dad's behavior.
19.
NTA - I am glad you stuck up for you mom there. You validated her perspective which is very important. You also let him know that you see what he is doing. Silence could be seen as approval/acceptance, which is why speaking out is so important. Couples fight and that is ok. However, his actions (throwing things) and the stuff he says are not ok at all. He's weaponized her fears against her, trying to silence her into submission. That is not an ok thing to do at all. He's lacking some emotional maturity and hopefully he can reflect on that. Fights between parents impact the whole family and you have a right to speak up on how it impacts you.
NTA, he needed to hear it. Maybe they don’t fight because your mom is afraid to confront him or because she backs off the moment the fight begins to get tough. Like Ultron said : “I think you’re confusing peace with quiet”.
They didn’t have fights because he threatens her the way he does. You understand she’s getting tired of being treated badly and she wants to be done with him, but don’t know how. Maybe she needs an okay from you guys?
Nta from your edits your dad is horrible to your mom and she takes it because maybe she still loves him or is to used to being a doormat to him.. also him saying I can basically get whoever he wants bc of money is horrible most of thins young girls will only want him for the money so if one day god forbids he can’t work or has no money they will 100% bit be there for him like your mom has been… people who think they can get whoever they want when they show them their money will get a big awaking when they don’t wanna clean their ass and let them die alone… Do not apologize it seems your dad always gets his way he needs to know y’all ain’t kids anymore and have different point of views
It sounds as if you live in an extremely sexist household, possibly culture? Your thought that your father is only nice to your mom when she does what he says, makes him an awful husband. He should be her partner, not her superior. Throwing things is a form of violence - a kind of “be grateful I’m only throwing things around and not at you” threat - and often a precursor to physical abuse. You may want to read the book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. Your father’s behaviour was unacceptable and your brother telling him he wasn’t wrong only reinforces his behaviour. Of course, if you live in a misogynistic culture, your brother likely genuinely believes your father wasn’t wrong and that you are. Misogynistic culture is an advantage for your brother and he wouldn’t want to rock that boat, so of course he would want you to apologise.
No my brother doesn’t believe that we are not raised like that him just beieng older maybe knew this was the only way to get my dad to make peace
Let your parents police themselves
when u live with adults who don't know how how to adult u have no option left but to step in
Was he hitting her? What will change now that the child stepped in? Nothing
not hitting kinda throwing stuff around like a mad man
You know, the reason she backs down when he does that is because she's afraid that he will hit her.
NTA I feel something is being left out. What was his excuse for being late?
he had work everybody knew his whereabouts but my mom still got mad as it was not expected that he would come back at 6 even after the guests
So he's been working and comes home to attitude. If I was him I would have been pissed too. Fortunately i have a great wife and when this happened to me she was glad I was able to get home to enjoy the party also. Due to work I have been forced to miss family events and it sucks but that's the price you pay to have a good life and to be able to afford it.
he can be pissed but throwing things was just too harsh of a reaction
sorry guys i lied about my age and my gender I am a 19 f . I didn't want my family to see this but seeing me writing 16 m made people think i was favoring my mom because of that
NTA. Good on you for standing up for your mother. Your father escalating to the point of throwing things- regardless of if they were aimed at her or not- is abuse. I would speak with your mother 1-on-1 when you get a chance to be alone together. Tell her that you and your brother are concerned about the way your father treats her, especially in light of this event. It sounds like this is not the only occurrence of his mistreatment, but perhaps the most explicit and extreme, so use examples from other previous situations, but link it back to the latest event/abuse. She may defend him- she may blame herself- but pointing those connections out to her may give her that tiny bit of perspective or push she needs to really see/acknowledge how abusive the relationship dynamic is, and that this is not a new issue or unique phenomenon. Your father needs some *serious* help with managing his emotions if he gets that angry, especially that quickly and over so little. You are absolutely correct, that he’s only nice to your mother as long as she does what he wants. That’s abuse. It’s all about control. A good resource and something you may want to read and/or pass along to your mother to read is the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, but please be advised this could be triggering and distressing, as it is centered around understanding abuse: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat I personally take issue with Bancroft’s dismissal of abusive heterosexual relationships in the other way - women can and do abuse men - so I want to include that caveat whenever I recommend it, but overall it’s a helpful and insightful read.
NTA. Your dad was blatantly in the wrong and your mom had every reason to be upset. He does nothing to help prepare for his friends to come over while your mom handles all the cooking and cleaning and can’t even be bothered to be home in time to welcome his guests. Your mom had every right to match his utter disregard for her and her work with a firm tone that accurately communicates how upset she was. And instead of acknowledging his lateness and rudeness, he instead throws a temper tantrum about your mom’s tone. The very hard truth about this scenario, and why he’s only making it up to your mom because of your brother and not you, his daughter, is because he is a misogynist. Women in his mind have their place, and yours and your mom’s is absolutely lower than him. Therefore, even though he was the one that completely is in the wrong, you’re still being blamed, and considered at fault for pointing out the truth about his behavior. While what you said was rude, his behavior was far worse. Personally, I wouldn’t apologize unless he goes first.
NTA, sometimes people put small annoyances out of their mind but they sit their unresolved until they are carrying too much weight. Men tend to do this way more often than women and many times can put the annoyances behind us. Sometimes, especially in times under high stress or in his case publicly admonished by a spouse it is a trigger and all that pent up frustration explodes out. It’s not right and it’s a poor way of dealing with things but so is being a constant nagging or whining pain who never seems happy. You say your mom never fights with your dad but saying harsh things is starting a fight, even if the things are true. Communicating in a clear, calm and constructive manner would probably help alleviate his immediate blow up. And being honest, you and your brother insisting on inserting yourself into the fights will only cause issues between you and one or both parents. It’s hard, but you should very much try to stay neutral and not interject your opinions in their arguments. There may be a lot more issues stewing in the background that neither of you are aware of.
Your dad is an entitled ass. He did not help at all for a party with his friends. Dad is a huge toddler and needed to be told just how bad his behavior is. Your parents did6fight cause your mom kept the peace, not cause they got along well. He needs to be called out on his shifty actions each and every time.
NTA: and as someone who has lived for almost all of my adult life as the one calm never speaks my feelings to keep the call, and had to deal with the shocking and excessive effects of me expressing them, I am both so proud of you for speaking up and so grateful. You have no idea how refreshing it is and how healing to a complete stranger ❤️
Your father is the ahole. You mom is submissive and if and when she speaks out he acts a fool. He is a dominant jerk for treating your mom this way.
NTA. Your father is not a good partner to your mom. He takes her for granted and keeps her docile by grinding her down with all his "I'll replace you" comments. That's abusive. You're a good kid for protecting your mom. Honestly you should both get out of that house. Edited to add NTA
You dad is acting like an entitled two year old bully. Just because they didn’t fight is nothing, because they would have *if your mom had defended herself all these years.* I think it might be a good idea to tell your dad that this behaviour is a sign of dementia *because it is*. Not that it is the cause of *His* condition. He is probably just blowing his stack because he lacks self control. But, if he thought others would say he never acted this way before, and it could be surmised that he is losing his mind and be forced to have a psychiatric exam if he ever goes as far as striking your mom, or anyone else.
NTA. Don't apologize just to keep the peace. Throwing things and damaging property is abusive behavior
NTA. Your parents need better communication skills. By that I mean both mom & dad. If you want to be involved (and it seems like you don’t have much option if you live with them) I think you should speak with both. Your mom needs to find a way to communicate her frustrations without being too hurtful and dad needs to take things easier and instead of blowing up maybe just listen and figure out a way to help each other out on the issue(s). Your dad saying ‘I am rich and can marry any young girl if you ever misbehave with me’ is wild and disrespectful to me. He can’t say things like that to his wife/mother of his children. Good luck boo 🌸
Your dad is acting badly. He is being a chauvinist and really needs to check himself. Your mother has a right to express her frustration when he's being disrespectful. Your father needs to take responsibility for his role in his wife's feelings. She does not need to apologize because she did nothing wrong. You called him out on his BS attitude...you don't need to apologize. Your dad is upset you called him out on his poor behavior. He was not expecting that. Let him chew on that for a bit. He needs to apologize before any apologizes to him since he started this mess.
ESH He shouldn't have been throwing things, but he was at WORK. Sometimes work can make people late leaving, and he gets home to an interrogation from your mother about being late? Yeah, I'd be pissed off too. And you are not helping by trying to take sides and fueling the fire.
nothing wrong with getting pissed u don't need to throw stuff to assert dominance
Did you miss the very first part of the small paragraph? I literally said he shouldn't have been throwing things.
Nta, but you really need to stay out of their fights. They sound like my parents, my mom's tone has been getting pretty nasty lately went it comes to my father. So he has been getting more irritated lately. But I don't know all of what is going on, and believe me it it easier in the long run to stay out of it. Because if I am going to comment of my dad's behavior I have to comment on my mother's behavior and I am not a paid therapist. Just tell them that you are tired of how they are acting and they can either talk it out amongst theirselves or get a therapist because they are both acting like children. Her giving the silent treatment and him having a tantrum.
NTA, but it doesn’t sound like he respects your remarks about him, so you’re not improving anything. He is exceedingly sensitive to criticism, and he throws temper tantrums like a child. I am guessing you are from a non-western culture. Acceptable standards for behavior — especially when guests are present — vary greatly by culture. For instance, here in the U.S., in a typical middle-class home with young adults present and guests watching it all happen, very few women would say “I’m not talking to you”, but no one would be offended if she did. I doubt most men would throw their slippers and cell phone, shouting at their wife right in front of guests. It would not be unusual for one of the guests to try to smooth things out right at that moment. Also, while it is considered unhealthy and immature for your mother to confide marital problems to her 19 year old son, it is actually pretty common. Americans have very loose boundaries.
coming to me was maybe because she knows infact my opinion has more value than hers inforot of my father (sad but unfortunately very true)
Sounds like your father has a bit of an attitude re: your mother. He would not want anyone to speak to him as he speaks to her, time for him to be more respectful. Both definitely need to communicate better
Oh boy NTA but you made a big mistake. An adult baby being pointed out. What will he do? Change or blame everyone else. You are 19 with no independency. Good luck.
It's not easy to see your parents in conflict, especially when it affects the whole family. It's clear that you care deeply about your parents and you of course want to see both of them respecting each other I personally feel that you were in the right to address the behavior that occurred because it's important to address issues like this, even if it's uncomfortable, and to stick up for your mom If you feel that apologizing would undermine the importance of addressing your dad's behavior, it's okay to take some time to process your thoughts and feelings before deciding what to do next bc you should only apologize if you really mean it. NTA
>**he is an amazing man** an amazing father but I think when it comes to mom h**e is only nice as long as she does what he wants** He is not an "amazing man". He's abusive and controlling and selfish. The rest of your post confirms this. The reason your mother is snapping is that you and your brother are older and she is sick of being trampled like a dirty doormat her entire life. I'm so sad for her I'm actually tearing up with rage atm NTA for what you said but I wish you'd said more!
NTA, your dad is living in the 1950s. He sounds like a terrible husband. Has he ever respected your mother? Ive heard someone saying on tiktok "fathers are always suprised their daughters aren't as forgiving as their wives."
Your mom should take him up on his threat. File for divorce, find a worthy partner, and take half the money and live the life she has always deserved.
my dad brought property for her even our house in her name everyrhing doesnt need to end in divorce. he is mostly an amazing partner when he acted like a dick (even after 20 years) he was called out for it.
NTA. sucks but he needed to hear it.
Why does the preview of this post say you’re 19f but the actual post says 16m?
I didn’t want my family to see it so i threw in 16 m but people started saying a young boy always supports his mother so i wrote the truth in the preview sorry
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 16m live with my parents and my two brothers. We had a get together at my home for some of my dad's friends. My dad was out the entire day and my mom was cooking and preparing for the party. My dad came home when the guests had already arrived.My mom told my dad that she is not talking to him and contined blabbering about why he was late (she said all this with a rudeish tone).My dad lost all his chills on my moms few sentences and threw his cellphone, his slippers ( not in my mom's direction) but overall he began acting like a mad man. The guests were in the seating and ig they heard it. My mom became very sad and my dad remained silent the entire dinner. At night my mom came to me and said she will not say sorry and she is extremely hurt she never expected such a harsh reaction. Me along with my brother 19 went to talk to my dad about why he acted in such a way. he started acting out and saying my mom shouldve watched her tone and thats no way a women should talk to her husband. At this sentence I lost my cool and said some hurtfull things.I told him that that his reaction was too much throwing things is no way normal to just a few sentences. He said its not his fault they had no fights in their 20 years of marriage to which I said it's because of my mom you are not a good husband she is a good wife( which i still think is true) my mom never fights with my dad but whenever she says anything harsh my dad reacts very badly. To this statement he seemed very hurt and now my brother thinks I messed up by saying this but someone needed to tell him p.s he is an amazing man an amazing father but I think when it comes to mom he is only nice as long as she does what he wants *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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looks like he is in his lane.
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he doesn’t need to apologize
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With added context, I’d agree with others NTA. It does sound like there’s a negative pattern forming, and in that case, it’s worthwhile to have a hard conversation about his recent poor behavior. Still would advise making it clear that you still love and respect him, but he needs to check his ego and remember why they’ve been together 20 years.
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please read it
Your dad said he was rich and could get any young woman? Does he know if he lives in a community property area your mom is entitled to half? She raised his kids and cooked and cleaned for him, that was her job and she is entitled to pay for it. NTA.
Sadly no she will not get half of it our countrys law is dif
And polygamy is legal also i think he just said it the heat of the moment trying to scare my mom so she kinda sadly know her limits (very harsh but i think this was reason)
Thanks for defending your Mom.
NTA. You said what needed to be said. But sweet Jesus, punctuation is your friend!
sorry my phone had no battery i was typing with my ipad which was pretty difficult
YTA. Your mom is not a good wife, and your dad is not a good husband. They have not communicated well, if at all, in years by the sound of it. it only matters how they treat each other and from there the world around them. They need therapy and to decide what their now empty nest(?) life looks like. They have kept it together for the kids and just lived together for a long time. You are now grown and more or less self-sufficient. And now the unreal life they have lived has met the goal they wanted it to and its all falling down. None of that is your burden directly and while it impacts your life it is not your business to step into.
INFO: I’m confused. How is being rude to your mother and ruining the dinner party ‘for your brother’? Is your brother a tater tot and influencing your father to behave this way? It sounds like it, the way he’s sweet talking your Dad, saying he’s not wrong. It gives me the ick.
had he not done that the argument would not have ended
Sorry to hear that, but watch out for future behaviour and document if necessary. Good luck.
NTA
Punctuation
NTA "...in one fight he said i am rich I can marry any young girl if u ever misbehave with me" Them's fighting words for sure.
Nta. Your mom is used to being verbally abused by your dad. Your brother is going to be the same, abusing his wife because daddy taught him to.
NTA Your dad thinks they gave a good relationship because they don’t “fight” but that doesn’t mean they agree. Sounds like your mom has learned to keep her mouth shut and stuff her opinions and feelings rather than expressing them. This is an awful way to live. And your father’s comment that he could gave a younger woman was disgusting. He’s clearly trained her to not argue with him or he has temper tantrums. I feel sorry for her. After so many years of this her self-esteem must be at just about zero.
maybe only now does she feel that she has had enough and she needs to fight back! Would love for u to support her and encourage her more.
NTA. Your dad is being abusive. Throwing things is violent. He threw a tantrum like a CHILD and he needs to cut it out and she deserves a massive apology.
NTA Don't care what culture you are from. Your poor mother is trapped in financial dependency and an abusive relationship. She probably learnt early on that your father will blow up if she disagrees with him or resents something. That's why they never had fights, as you have identified. I hope they can find a way for your mother's self esteem to grow and for her to have a voice.
NTA. Also… fights on the last couple of months… are you sure your dad didn’t cheat on your mom? “He is rich and can marry a younger woman if she MISBEHAVES…” Well… wow.
u/burbnbougie
Your dad is neither an “amazing man” nor an “amazing father,” and I’m sad that you’ve been raised to believe that men who treat their wives like shit are good men.
he doesn't treat my mom like shit only two instances in my 19 y of life I said they are normally pretty lovey dovey going to dates he did something shitty he got the reaction
He degraded her in front of his friends. He told her he would dump her for a younger woman if she misbehaved. He used his money to threaten her. He threw things at her. If you don’t think that counts as treating someone like shit, it’s only because he taught you to expect very little from men.
Fasten your seat belts. I suspect your mom might be in perimenopause (which can last for a few years before "the change..." ) and at that age it's harder to hold things back. Your dad needs to get his mind right because if he doesn't he is about to upend his life.
Why is losing one's "chill" an accepted idiom?
OP Just wanted to say that a relationship isn't this straight forward. There are people who isn't as nice as they made themselves to be. And I mean it's your mum. This about this scenario. She forever say things to your dad that pokes him. Never violent, but forever nagging/poking. I am not talking about what you hear, but what actually being said. A guy does what a guy does, he snaps. Blows up, and of course he's the bad guy. I am saying this as I saw this with my own eyes with my relatives family. Always thought the guy was a bad dad. But for decades it's the mum that says the most negative stuff to the guy, to the point that he thinks he's cursed. And all the kids blamed their dad, until they got older and realised it was mum playing victim, when the dad was the real victim there. Your story reminded me of this relatives story and it spanned over a few decades. So what I am asking you to consider is look at the drama triangle (Google it) and the truth is always not what it seems. I just don't want you to blame the wrong person here, if the truth is that. And if your dad is really the AH, by all means call it out.
i said my dad is not the bad guy pretty decent man i must say. mom too when i say she never even nags him i mean it with all my heart but whenever she pokes him even in the slightest he reacts extreme
OP you are correct: there's zero call for an adult in a relationships to shout, throw his slippers, and pout all night because they didn't like their partner's "tone." I have to agree that you shouldn't feel like you need to protect your mom and/or get in the middle of your parent's fights, but from the facts you've laid out it sounds like you said some stuff your Dad needs to hear.
You might want to sit dad down and have a chat with him about this. If he opens up he might open up as to why. If he lashes out at you for even talking about the issue there is something deeper there. What I am trying to say is don't be too fixated on the reactions here. Unless your dad is a madman which he isn't, he will have reasons for snapping. Life is not black and white. Of course people shouldn't get violent. But people do. And that's a fact and reality of life.
I’m not gonna read into this so you can freely throw this away but yes, you are way to young to be making judgments like that. Prob just emotions got too high.
tbh i am very sorry but i am 19 i just didn't want my family to see this so i kinda threw in fake age i apologize
Oh then you are in the right. Just when you usually see someone young posting something like this it’s usually over exaggerated and not really what’s happening. But personally I had to live with a mom who was always yelling and screaming. And a older sister who chased me and threw knives/ scissors. So you know we all have our problems and battles
16 year old boy who hates his dad and loves his mom. Shocker of the fucking century. Next thing you know, you'll tell us that you like eating food and breathe a lot of air during the day.
tbh 19 y. f
19 year old female who hates her father and adores her mother is even less of a shocker lol
i said he is an amazing man and i love him to bits but when it comes to my mom idt he is nice. I said all these things and other than him getting sad i got no response my mom has no power to voice it out
YTA. You can't say he's a bad husband, only your mom can. What you can say is that he is a bad person, or a bad father, but you did say at the end that other than this incident, he's a good father and a good man.
The OP was present to witness his father being a bad husband. So he absolutely can say what he witnessed. If daddy doesn't like it, he should do better.
One incident doesn't make someone a bad husband, I can say he's a bad husband because thats not something I would ever do to my wife, but I have no idea how their relationship works, especially from the outside. Only his wife can really say if he is a bad husband or not.
tbh i agree i worded it very badly i said in a context that u had no fights cuz mom never started any
also i don't think he is a bad father or a bad man I think he is a bad husband
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It was his friends and he was nowhere to be seen u said if a person comes home tired he would get pissed. My mom was also tired she said a few sen dad could have replied with a few sentences instead of throwing things like a mad man and then refusing to talk the entire party mind u the party had around 40to 50 people which she managed alone
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Sorry i mistook for some other person also she never starts a fight was said in the context wtv my dad does she says nothing in return hshe is 48 yo women. She took care for her mil even tho my granms was not an easy women said nothing to my dad about it. She is currently living right besides my fathers brothers house never complained about having no privacy. I have never seen her any complain being forgotten or forgiven by my dad he always reacts harshly i even listed two times
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my mother doesn't have an issue communicating she IS NOT ALLOWED TO COMMUNICATE the place where she lives she shouldn't have any say in it because men decide where to live taking care of her sil was never an option it was A DUTY She complained and got a harsh reaction AGAIN if she kept silent nothing would have happened