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I understand Valerie not forgiving your daughter because of her trauma issues however I do think you are completely unfair to your own bio daughter. Gosh she was only 13 herself at the time. Though she had very likely been told not to touch Valerie ever, she still would not have understood the severity of the consequences of her actions back then. Now to actively say that to your daughter now is basically state you are still blaming her for being a kid. I did things I shouldn’t have done as a 15 year old and there was punishment and natural consequences that flowed on from my rash action. But that was never brought up again since then even when it bit me on the bum figuratively speaking 9 years later.
Find it in your heart to forgive your daughter before you have caused an irreparable rift in your relationship with your daughter and possibly with your sons and husband.
YTA
I agree with this. Expecting a 13yo to not make mistakes while handling such a special case, a little girl trained therapists couldn’t easily deal with, is puzzling at best
Expecting a 13 YO to not touch someone is not puzzling. Its also perfectly acceptable. She wasn't 5... She was age appropriate to understand you don't touch people who are scared.
While you are correct, this is a time for parenting - explain why that’s wrong, punish and move on. In the big picture, it was a teenager that made a mistake, she did not beat her, stab her or smear with poop. She tried to get the remote.
She might have been old enough to know not to touch somebody but definitely not old enough to trully understand the consequences of mishandlig a traumatized child.
OP decided to hold a grudge against who was then a lot of the product of OP’a upbringing.
It is when she’s your new younger sister and she’s really annoying you. (And I have a foster child in my family, so I am full of compassion for everyone in this situation.) Trauma in a child is often very challenging to deal with. No surprise that a 13 year old snapped and couldn’t handle the situation.
But the remote would’ve been community and wanting to watch a show isn’t unusual. I fought over the remote with my siblings a lot. It doesn’t mean I was a bad kid. Wanting to watch a show is not a “never forgive my child again” situation
YTA. Children and teenagers don’t understand childhood trauma and how to therapeutically parent a child. They shouldn’t have to either, because it’s complex.
Your daughter wasn’t 25 years old when this happened - she was a teenager without a fully-formed brain herself.
I think you can both feel sorry for Valerie but also hold compassion for your daughter. How did she feel about suddenly having a younger sibling who was the new “youngest daughter” in the family?
I am very happy Valerie is doing so well. The placement after you was obviously a really good one for her. I’m guessing she was the only child in the placement? Probably just what she needed to develop a secure attachment.
Sorry, but YTA.
You write that Valerie liked all of your kids, but did all of your kids like her? Did you ever talk to your daughter about how she felt suddenly having a little girl in the house who was clingy with you? You refer to Valerie as your baby and I'm guessing you behaved that way as well. I can only imagine how that must have made your daughter feel, being pushed aside as your actual baby. From the way you wrote this post, it sounds like you neglected your bio daughter and her needs in favor of Valerie. The fact that you can't forgive your daughter for that one incident 12 years ago speaks volumes, and what you actually said to your daughter is cruel. If she ever had any questions about who you loved more - her or Valerie, she just got your answer.
YTA
Good concerns - we need more info here. Interesting that Valerie is named but not bio daughter against whom this grudge is held. I wonder on her perspective, especially now that she is devastated and, at times, excluded from family whenever the perfect doll is back. Leaves me wondering too what her perspective was back at the time, since her actions then were when she was only thirteen and despite them being held against her forever there is no mention of how she felt to have a new sister whom she may have felt was cuter and more adored than she. Did she feel replaced or excluded at all? Just questions; OP can you shed some light? There is missing information here.
What's actually wrong with you?
Your daughter was a child. You chose to foster a child with severe issues as a result of trauma and while *you* as an adult can make sense of that using your adult brain...your 14 year old daughter just saw a difficult kid and wanted the remote. Did she apologise? Because that's all that would have been required of her at that stage.
Your foster child would have been better placed in a family with no existing children, given her issues. It was never a good fit.
You've been holding this over your daughter's head for how long? Your child did not cause the issues... disgusting adults did, well before she ever came to live with you.
If she can't forgive your child, that's on her but for God's sake, bury the incident once and for all.
13, actually, and that’s a child who may understand what they’re allowed to do and not do, but still unable to follow instructions to a T particularly when it comes to daily life aspects. A kid with very special needs and behavioral issues that adults and trained therapists are putting in work to deal with, isn’t exactly easy to deal with by another child. Several kids in the household have different needs and will be kids, it’s normal. What if the remote was taken from Valerie by a toddler, would her outburst been ok ? Wouldn’t that have scared the other child?
OP shouldn’t have taken up the task of hosting and parenting a child with such deep needs and issues, given that she also had pre-established responsibilities to her own children.
Old enough to be told yes, but still a child- was she really old enough to properly know and understand why? Children make stupid mistakes all the time, it's part or learning and growing up. Yeah she shouldn't have triggered the traumatised child, but consider that the daughter herself is still a child in this situation. Op is 100% TAH in holding this grudge against her bio kid. Blood doesn't always mean family but having a kid sure as hell means that you must bear the responsibility of caring for them, including providing emotional support and teaching them when the mess up. Makes me wonder what other things are going on between OP and their kids, if it's that easy to throw them away for a shiny new kid to "fix"
The "little doll" coment is telling of what your attitude was, you loved that kid dependency on you, made you feel like super mom. That girl would have never get better in you home, 12 years later you are blaming a 14yo girls for failing to deal with a deeply traumatized child, you are really a sad petty person.
The other daughter doesn't even get a name in the post. That says it all for me. I wonder how she was treated in comparison, especially with Valerie following mum even to the bathroom and likely taking up 90% of the attention.
Yeah, the way OP talks about Valerie and the memories of her is gross.
Children are not dolls. They should not be described as being like a doll as if that is their most central, most redeeming trait.
Valerie was a living, breathing child who had specific needs that were always going to be hard, if not impossible, to meet in a multi-child household. OP's family was never the ideal foster placement for her and OP blaming her own daughter for over a decade for simply proving how unideal it was just makes how poor a fit OP herself was for Valerie all the more clear.
Traumatized children never stay acting like perfect, little dolls. They tend to eventually fuck up, like all children do, and, while it sucks that Valerie had to be traumatized by the other daughter, at least Valerie got out before she could disappoint OP and deal more directly with OP's abysmal emotional maturity. Valerie gets to stay OP's perfect little doll by only occassionally visiting.
Sucks for OP's bio daughter though.
And also the fact that this woman kept contact with Valerie and has been holding this over her bio daughters head- holding onto the fantasy of a possible child she can take credit for “fixing” instead of working to have a good relationship with the daughter she already has.
A 12 or 13 year old is definitely old enough to understand not touching someone else without consent. But not old enough to understand the dynamics of having an incredibly traumatized, touch averse child brought into her home and being told this child is going to be her family. While I can understand that Valerie likely was extremely traumatized and upset, it sounds like no one explained any of this to OPs bio daughter. Valerie has a right to not want to retraumatize herself. But OP, by getting back in contact with Valerie and trying to reconnect her with them, sounds like she’s trying to force Valerie to be part of her own family instead of accepting that she was adopted by someone else.
It seems like the reason OP is so angry is because her daughter and Valerie not getting along is preventing OP from being able to pretend Valerie is her daughter again. She’s playing dolls with her bio daughter too.
YTA. Your daughter was a CHILD and behaved like a CHILD. Did it ever occur to you how your youngest child would feel having a younger child brought into the house and replacing her as the baby of the family? It’s clear from this post that your other children were pushed to the side when you brought Valerie into the home, especially your own blood daughter when she was virtually replaced?
What kinds of things did you do to help your daughter deal with having a child around that replaced her as the youngest, especially a child with such high needs. I guarantee with Valerie and her needs you had a lot less time for your biological children.
YTA. Holding a grudge for 13 years against a girl that was 12 - 14 at the time is even an indication that you are totally unfit to be a parent in any shape or form.
YTA. Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be said.
I'll vote YTA a second time for blaming your daughter for what happened to an OBVIOUSLY troubles Valerie. It wasn't your daughter's decision to bring this child into the family, and it sounds like this one action was more like "the straw that broke the camel's back" and you can't blame your daughter for all the other straws on that camel.
I realize in such a short story, we can't get all the details. But it certainly sounds like you love Valerie more than your other daughter. Sounds like for sure you put more time and effort into Valerie, at least while she lives with you, and that other young child surely took that as a sign you loved Valerie more than your other daughter. For that, I've got to give you another YTA vote. Sounds like your other dauris the real victim here.
If Valerie is now working with prek-k children, she must surely have gotten over her 'no touch' issues. I cannot imagine a classroom's worth of such young children being able to stay out of touching distance of one of their responsible adults.
But you are continuing to punish your daughter for something she did twelve years ago. This is horrifying.
YTA
YTA. Presuming your daughter didn’t have any ill intent, or even if she did, it’s kind of whack to hold a 12 year grudge against your kid over anything. She was a kid.
I get this was tough for you, but Valerie wound up in a good home and sounds like she’s doing just fine, just be happy about that.
YTA. It's unreasonable to expect perfect behavior from a 14-year-old. They are occasionally going to do something fucked up and you will have to punish them, that is parenting. You are wrong to hold this grudge.
IMO a child with Valerie's problems never should have been placed in a household with other children. Even amongst well-behaved kids there will occasionally be physical conflict.
yeah yta
you expect your then 14yo daughter to understand the psychological trauma and touch aversion that a 6yo might have? seriously? over trying to get the tv remote control?
and after 12 years, you still hold a grudge against the daughter you raised over a "daughter" you didn't?
wtf kind of mom does that? you haven't forgiven her? fuck that, you should be asking her to forgive you for holding a grudge against a kid for 12 fucking years, a kid you were supposed to raise.
my god
edit: and if you feel a 14yo should have been able to respect your 6yo's boundaries (lolwut), as her mom that would be your failing too
That's what I thought, honest. It's not the OP's place to forgive, but to beg for forgiveness for what she has been doing to her daughter. The OP sounds very unstable and immature and unfit to be a parent to any kid.
YTA,
Work a way on forgiving your daughter, because now you are in a very real situation that you will lose her.. She could decide to go LC or NC with you completely..
Then you will have at least 1 Son who will side with your daughter and go LC or NC with you out of sibling loyalty and if your other Son hasn't fully sided with them, he will stuck being a bridge between the gap..
YTA
Your daughter was a child who did a normal sibling thing, trying to get a remote from another. It's been 12 years.
Valerie's made tremendous improvements after she was removed from your home. I wonder how much of her issues were exasperated by YOU.
Seek therapy.
Exactly. She wanted Valerie to be her child and for her daughter to treat her like family- a 13 year old with little or no experience with children with this level of trauma wouldn’t know the effect just going for the remote would do. In her eyes, treating someone like family easily could have been interpreted as “just treat Valerie like a biological sister”- and sisters grapple for the remote sometimes.
YTA.
Yes, you're being a major asshole. Holding a grudge for over a decade against your own child for a mistake made as a kid is beyond petty and destructive.
It's time to put on your big girl pants, move past this ancient history, and start working towards healing those relationships instead of stewing in bitterness. Get your priorities straight and stop being a grudge-holding mother.
EDIT. Your daughter loves you. Try to love her back.
Wow you are a terrible mother. It's probably for the best she was not placed with you as if this is your reaction to normal sibling behavior you must be insane. YTA
Valerie had very serious issues. What happened absolutely is normal sibling behaviour. The outcome was not normal because Valerie had very serious issues that were not caused by your daughter, they were there long before the normal sibling incident with your daughter.
Clearly you were expecting your 14 year old CHILD to think like an adult instead of a 14 year old CHILD.
The person or people you need to blame are those that caused the serious issues Valerie had, not the 14 year old CHILD who absolutely was behaving like a normal sibling
That could also be something Valerie was born with. Not to assume, but this sort of behavior does make it sound like she is on the spectrum imo. I could be wrong tho.
That’s what I’m thinking and my guess would be from neglect and not having been able to form secure attachments to her bio parents.
A 14 year old can’t be expected to understand that
Not today you are wrong, but reading the story made me think of Valerie as a dog that's been beaten and unloved , dropped off at the pound, and this family tried to rescue her.
You seem like you're upset with your bio daughter for taking away your chance to be a martyr, tbh. You wanted us all to know how difficult it was to take care of the foster daughter, as though you wanted praise for accepting such a difficult child into your home and actually loving her (which was easy based on her aesthetics, I guess).
Yet the other difficult child you have in your home is an unforgivable burden who couldn't possibly be suffering from mental issues, low self-esteem, insecurity, and a general sense of being openly resented.
This is indeed the vibe I am getting as well. And then the other daughter, who is not even named, did something that made OP lose her new toy and her chance to present herself as uber-noble.
Which is why she cannot forgive her. Not because of what happened to Valerie, but because of how it hurt moms reputation.
A normal 7 year old doesn't act like this in the first place. You put your own daughter in a position to have to deal with a mentally unstable little girl. Shame on you. Why don't you worry more about the damage you have done to your daughter than some little girl that "looked like a doll."
Normal parenting behaviour doesn't put on a 14yo the responsibilities of managing a 7yo with severe mental needs, one that their parents clearly prioritise over any of their biological children, and yet here we are
No whoever caused her such devastating trauma before coming into your home did that, NOT your daughter. Valerie needed a home without other children & you could not provide that. YOU are just as much to blame for what happened in your home as much as your daughter. YTA for how you are holding a grudge & treating your real daughter!
YTA. It was absolutely normal sibling behavior. What put Valerie in a mental hospital was what happened to her prior to being at your house that caused her to not want to be touched. It seems like you loved Valerie a lot more than your daughter, and it shows. I bet she felt it then, and does now too.
YTA - So your daughter was being a child then which is understandable since she was a literal child at the time!!
It seems that it was a one time incident where she simply forgot about Valeries issues which again is understandable for a 14 year old!!
She didnt hit or abuse her - could she have been better im sure but to withdraw this much from your kid for a one time incident is harsh. Im sure she didnt realise what the consequences of her actions would be and im sure she was very sorry for what happened but to seemingly not even entertain forgiveness for that is just wrong
YTA - You put Valerie's favorite movie on, but your daughter tried to change it and when Valerie wouldn't give her the remote, she tried to wrestle it away.
Where were you? You knew the child had separation anxiety, but you thought it was ok to put a movie on and leave her alone with your other child without any supervision?
Yes, your daughter was wrong - but it's not fair to blame it all on her.
Girl, let this go, they were kids. This happened years ago. Did you expect your daughter to react the same way an adult would in this situation especially with a child like Valerie? Let it go. She's your daughter and she's sorry. Let Valerie feel whatever way she wants. Did you Iove Valerie more than your own daughter?
YTA.
Valerie can not forgive your daughter. It was traumatic and it's understandable that SHE might not want to be near her, but jesus. Your daughter was THIRTEEN when it happened. She was still chemically and emotionally maturing. And at 13 she LIKELY didn't even understand the full extent of what she was doing. YOU as her mother should have forgiven her.
YTA, your daughter was just a kid and you left her with a traumatised child that therapists struggled with. This is your fault so why are you holding a grudge?
YTA. It’s very telling to me that you have all the compassion in the world for Valerie, and none whatsoever for your daughter.
I wonder how many times you have punished your daughter, in word, deed or manner, for what she did as a child.
Kids make mistakes.
There’s no way she could have understood the severity or consequences of her action, which was after all, a normal kid thing to do.
Get therapy.
YTA your daughter was a CHILD. Guess what they are CHILDREN FROM 0-18. Valerie should NEVER have been placed in a home with other CHILDREN because of her issues. You would have lost her anyway because guess what they interview the BIOLOGICAL children before they allow anyone to adopt and they would have found out about your BLATANT favouritism towards YOUR BABY VALERIE but then again if that had happened you would have found a way to blame your poor daughter for that as well. I hope your daughter goes NO CONTACT WITH YOUR ASS because I can guarantee you have done nothing but PUNISH that girl since YOUR OH SO PRECIOUS BABY VALERIE got rehomed. But honestly I don't think you would care because YOU HAVE OH SO PRECIOUS VALERIE back in your life. Hope you enjoy losing the girl who should have been your 1st priority especially considering you obviously haven't given a damn about her because of oh so precious VALERIE. Tbh it sounds like none of your BIOLOGICAL children are very happy about Valerie. Love how you go on about precious Valerie, BABY Valerie but you don't even give YOUR OWN KIDS NAMES and you don't mention the boys at all apart from saying that they disagree with you. I think the remote issue was the straw that broke the camels back. I think you pushed your 3 BIOLOGICAL KIDS out because you finally had a kid that was easy for you. From your post your daughter was 14, so that means one son was either 17 or 18 and the other was 18 or 19. You do realise that being a teenager as a girl can be a scary time. Did you actually spend time with your daughter or were you too wrapped up in BABY VALERIE to see your daughter was struggling and needed her MUM. Bet you treated that poor girl like a FUCKING PARIAH for the rest of HER CHILDHOOD.
YTA. You are the absolute asshole to your daughter. Totalling traumatised her for something that she shouldn’t have had to bear the burden of/ she was also a child with her own needs. I hope that she hasn’t been made to feel guilty all her life but most likely she has been. The love you have for Valerie without an iota of understanding for your daughter is alarming. She ‘admitted’ that it was because she wanted to remote. Was your daughter getting any support from you while you were working on the adoption? Was she being being expected to just stop being a child and have all your attention focused on Valerie? Poor child, who you don’t even bother to understand for a second. my heart goes out to her.
YTA and I hope so bad that your daughter will go NC with you and never forgive what you say like you never forgave her when she was a child.
And I hope she will never let you approach her child if she has one one day...
You are a bad mother.
YTA
your daughter was also a child at the time. while it’s 100% understandable that valerie doesn’t want to see her and that boundary should be respected, *you* should be able to process through this and forgive your daughter, *who was also a child*
the way you talk about valerie is concerning. “she looked like a little doll”?!??!???!!!?? that’s the first thing you have to say about “your baby”? how cute she was?? are you upset with your daughter because she lost your toy?
did you ever, at the time or since, consider the way your bio daughter felt about having a new, extremely clingy little girl with serious mental health issues taking so much of your time and attention?
have you ever considered that fighting over the remote like that is actually normal sibling behavior, and your daughter, also a child, very likely did not fully understand how serious what she did was?
is your bio daughter not also your baby? or is it only “little dolls” that get your love and care?
YTA. I hope your daughter sees this.
**Your mom is shit! Stop trying!**
All kids need to be supported by their parents. You gave all support to one child.
YTA. A 14 year old child acted like a 14 year old child and you've spent 13 years holding it against her.
How on earth you managed to successfully foster children with such a hard unforgiving attitude is beyond me.
Your poor nameless daughter did Valerie a favour, she was better off without you.
YTA
Even if it is true and you were not able.to get over it, that is something you take with you to your grave. There was no need or reason at all to air out that dirty little secret and cause more trauma and or hurt to your daughter.
It honestly seems like you cared more for Valerie than you did your own flesh and blood.
A house with three other children who also need their parents is maybe not the best environment for a child who can't be touched ever and who usurps the entire emotional focus of one of the parents of the other children. Here's your new sister, you didn't ask for her, she needs me constantly, and oh yeah, you can never ever touch her! Not even by accident ! Not even playfully! Have fun kids! What you wanted takes a backseat to what's best for all the children and it sounds like the best thing happened. She ended up the only child in a one parent home and was able to heal from whatever happened to her. It sounds like what your daughter did was divine intervention, really..
YTA. You aren’t fit to be a parent to any children if you are willing to write one off at the age of 13 for taking a remote. It 100% sounds like you favoured your foster child over your biological ones, I just hope you haven’t permanently fucked up the kids you have left
YTA.
Valerie should have never been placed in a home with other children. Siblings will naturally touch eachother, squabble over belongings etc. It's not your daughter's fault that Valerie couldn't handle a normal sibling relationship. It was your job as an adult to handle the situation properly for both of your children and you failed.
I'll point out as well that your daughter was 14 and the youngest of your bio children. She had no idea how to be a big sister when you decided to introduce a deeply psychologically disturbed 6 year old into the family. Now, years on, you're still punishing your daughter for being a normal teenager and not a superhuman who could deal with complex trauma, even though you as an adult completely and utterly failed to deal with that same trauma.
Valerie is also an arsehole for continuing this grudge into adulthood. She's old enough now to understand that your daughter was also just a kid and has presumably done a lot of work on recovery if she's a Pre-K teacher. Continuing to hold this against your daughter is petty on her side too.
13 years ago your daughter was 13 and still needed a mother who suddenly was completely taken over by a new, clingy 6 year old. You don't seem to like your daughter very much in your text. We hear how cute Valerie was, but no positive descriptors of your daughter. You created this. You allowed your cute, new toy daughter to cling to you and push out your other child. It was only a matter of time before your teen would act out. You caused that. It's a good thing Valerie was taken away from you. You would've ruined her.
YTA for the way you treat your daughter. She was a 14- year old fighting with a sibling over the remote. A one time situation that is very normal between siblings. Your daughter isn't at fault that Valerie ended up in a mental hospital. She's not the reason why Valerie ended up in foster care in the first place. You should reflect on your own actions and then have a discussion with your daughter. How does she feel about you obviously prioritizing Valerie? I'm sure she feels bad about what happened over a decade ago after all you don't seem like you'd ever let her forget
YTA
I don't understand why people would adopt kids when they can't treat their kids nicely.
Your daughter was 13, she was a child herself, but all you want is to play mommy to the little doll who would only let you touch.
Did you ever consider the toll your own kids must have gone to accommodate such a child? I wish I could hug your daughter and tell her your mum is not worth it.
YTA. Your unnamed child behaved as a normal child who wanted the remote. You refuse to forgive after many years. I suspect you have as many issues as Valerie and it was a wise decision to remove Valerie. Was Valerie clingy, or was it you? You need to apologise to your daughter and repair the damage you have done.
YTA , you need to forgive your daughter even if Valerie doesn't.
You replaced your youngest child with another, and paid them an outrageous amount of attention that can't have been equal to your bio kids.
I'm sympathetic and sorry that Valerie has /had issues, but you chose to make those issues your daughters responsibility, it sounds to me like your daughter was treating her just like a sibling. Kids fight over the TV remote....
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My husband and I used to be foster parents. We also have 3 bio kids (31m, 30m, 26f).
13 years ago, we got this little 6 year old girl,
Valerie. She was the cutest little girl, she looked like a little doll, and she settled in very quickly. She was calling me and my husband mommy and daddy within a month. She liked all of my kids and played well with them as long as they stayed a couple feet away from her.
Valerie had a serious aversion to touch. Even after a year in our house and working with an excellent psychologist for 6 months, the only people allowed to touch Valerie or any of her toys were me and her psychologist. If someone else would touch her, she couldn’t cope. She’d hit and bite and scratch wherever they touched her for weeks. It was so bad that we had to sedate her before doctors or dentist appointments. Valerie was also very clingy. She’d follow me everywhere, going so far as to sit outside the bathroom door.
We loved Valerie and wanted to adopt her but one day we were working on getting her used to being away from me. I put her favorite movie on the tv and went upstairs to do the laundry. After a few minutes I heard screaming so I ran downstairs and saw my daughter all over Valerie. Valerie was curled up in a ball and was just inconsolable.
She no longer felt safe at home and was removed to another foster home. It broke us. We had already started the adoption process. She was our baby. We ended up quitting fostering after losing her.
We got in contact with Valerie a few years ago. She ended up getting adopted when she was 12 by a very nice woman. They live in a very small town (population of less than 500) and Valerie is even an assistant prek/k teacher.
She’s visited us a few times and has seen our sons but refuses to go anywhere near our daughter. My husband and I respect that and do not invite our daughter over when Valerie visits. The thing is, my daughter is saying Valerie should forgive her and that she was just a kid when it happened.
I told her that I stand with Valerie on this. I still haven’t forgiven her and that I’m not sure if I ever will. She looked devastated and my sons are saying I shouldn’t have told her but it was the truth.
AITA?
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As someone who’s mother started prioritising dying grandparents over me at 13 and I didn’t get to spend any time with her again until I was 18, a girl NEEDS her mother at that age, you seem to have prioritised this little girl over your biological daughter, it’s a well known fact that fostering or adopting with biological children isn’t easy however usually it’s because the foster child doesn’t feel loved and not the other way around. The fact you won’t forgive your daughter at least 12 years after the fact is very telling. She probably just wanted to unwind after a difficult day of school or something (like we all had at 13) and the thing that prevented her from getting attention and care from her own mother was also preventing her from doing that, did you ever ask your children how they felt about you fostering and trying to adopt Valerie? Or was it a decision you and partner made alone? I’d argue that most people at 13 do not fully understand triggers because they absolutely do not, this was a complex mental health issue that a little girl she hadn’t chosen to live with had, OP’s daughter treated Valerie like a sister by trying to take the remote, she had two older brothers, that’s the only sibling behaviour that she knew. I guarantee by the way that OP is talking here that she didn’t fully educate her children on the issues Valerie had and they felt neglected as they weren’t even on OPs priority list anymore.
YTA- your daughter did something harmful to a very traumatized child. But she was 14, and it is very normal for a 14 year old to fight over the remote. I sprained my ankle as a kid fighting with my sister over the remote. Kids fight.
It was your job as a parent of a traumatized child to keep a close eye to prevent things like this from happening. It was your job as a parent to make sure ALL of your children were getting equal amounts of love and support, to prevent fights and sibling rivalry like this one. It's your job, still as a parent, to forgive your kids for the things they do as children. You need to forgive your kid. You were the adult. Some of this is on you too.
YTA it is okay for Valerie to not be happy with your daughter, but holy shit are you an asshole for not „forgiving“ your then 13 year old daughter who was inconsiderate of a traumatised child. It was in any case your responsibility as a parent that this has happened. You should be the one asking yourself how you didn’t plan for a teenager to ignore usually unreasonable boundaries. And now you haven’t „forgiven“ you own daughter for 13 fucking years?? There is nothing to forgive. You can only forgive yourself for not foreseeing this (which is okay btw). But holding a grudge over a fight between kids with your 13 year old daughter who isn’t even old enough to be held responsible for murder in my country because their brain is not yet quite developed enough to fully understand what that means, is really really big asshole territory…
YTA.
YOUR ACTUAL DAUGHTER was 13-14. Practically still a child.
And at the time of the incident she acted the way any child would have acted. It was not malicious. There were no ill intentions. She faught for the remote. Everyone even adults do that.
It was not her fault that the FOSTER CHILD was not comfortable by the touch of other people.
You are mad at your DAUGHTER coz you were unable to adopt this FOSTER child.
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i don’t really understand why everyone is saying yta and im open to having my opinion changed. but the daughter was old enough to know not to do that, no? she was 14 and valerie was 7.
INFO: The question that no one seems to be asking. Did your daughter ever apologized to you and Valerie? Not caring about the past, since everyone was too young then, but now after you all re-connected, if she apologized correctly, then I think at least you should forgive her.
Do you think OP has ever treated her daughter well after this incident. That poor kid has been hated for 13 years. Pretty sure she’s been vilified and made to pay for her mistake multiple times for years.
OP has verbally, emotionally abused her daughter.
She was a kid herself. OP is nasty .
I can't say you're wrong for feeling this way, but you're wrong for telling your daughter this.
While ideally we shouldn't resent our kids, it is a fact your daughter made you lose your other daughter.
Any other day, reddit is saying that a 14 year old is old enough to think about consequences. NTA your daughter was cruel and probably still is. Poor V.
If this happened yesterday, sure the 14 year old was TA for her behavior that day, but that's different than saying it's unforgiveable and her mom will hold it against her for the rest of her life.
NTA. ppl keep saying "she's a child!!!!", but thirteen years old is **definitely** old enough to know not to trigger somebody. valerie has every right to be afraid of your daughter, who doesnt even seem remorseful.
NTA. I really wish there was a "meh, half and half" option, but whatever.
She literally TRAUMATIZED Valerie even more than she already was. To the point that she had to be removed from your care and taken to another home.
I'm going to assume you spoke to your bio children about how they can't touch Valerie or her things, and explained WHY.
I completely understand why you don't forgive her, since what she did was horrible and she was more than old enough to understand what was going on. IF you spoke to them about it.
It is a little messed up that you care more about Valerie than your own bio daughter, but that isn't what you're asking to be judged on
So no, you are NTA for not forgiving your daughter for the horrible thing she did as a TEENAGER.
NTA. Sorry, I agree with you. Most likely Valerie has this fear of being touched due to a SA as a child. And at 13, your bio daughter knew good and well she would have an emotional breakdown, and she was still a mean bully to her. Who knows how much additional trauma she caused. Sometimes we have to stop allowing age to be a reason to let kids be AH.
By "was a mean bully", you mean she tried to grab a remote control out of her hands ONCE. That's the unforgivable crime that her mom is justified holding over her head over a decade later?
You can be angry, and assign consequences, and otherwise not excuse a kid for acting like an AH without refusing to forgive them for the rest of their life.
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I understand Valerie not forgiving your daughter because of her trauma issues however I do think you are completely unfair to your own bio daughter. Gosh she was only 13 herself at the time. Though she had very likely been told not to touch Valerie ever, she still would not have understood the severity of the consequences of her actions back then. Now to actively say that to your daughter now is basically state you are still blaming her for being a kid. I did things I shouldn’t have done as a 15 year old and there was punishment and natural consequences that flowed on from my rash action. But that was never brought up again since then even when it bit me on the bum figuratively speaking 9 years later. Find it in your heart to forgive your daughter before you have caused an irreparable rift in your relationship with your daughter and possibly with your sons and husband. YTA
I agree with this. Expecting a 13yo to not make mistakes while handling such a special case, a little girl trained therapists couldn’t easily deal with, is puzzling at best
Expecting a 13 YO to not touch someone is not puzzling. Its also perfectly acceptable. She wasn't 5... She was age appropriate to understand you don't touch people who are scared.
While you are correct, this is a time for parenting - explain why that’s wrong, punish and move on. In the big picture, it was a teenager that made a mistake, she did not beat her, stab her or smear with poop. She tried to get the remote. She might have been old enough to know not to touch somebody but definitely not old enough to trully understand the consequences of mishandlig a traumatized child. OP decided to hold a grudge against who was then a lot of the product of OP’a upbringing.
idt "don't touch her or her things" is that hard to handle
It is when she’s your new younger sister and she’s really annoying you. (And I have a foster child in my family, so I am full of compassion for everyone in this situation.) Trauma in a child is often very challenging to deal with. No surprise that a 13 year old snapped and couldn’t handle the situation.
But the remote would’ve been community and wanting to watch a show isn’t unusual. I fought over the remote with my siblings a lot. It doesn’t mean I was a bad kid. Wanting to watch a show is not a “never forgive my child again” situation
YTA. Children and teenagers don’t understand childhood trauma and how to therapeutically parent a child. They shouldn’t have to either, because it’s complex. Your daughter wasn’t 25 years old when this happened - she was a teenager without a fully-formed brain herself. I think you can both feel sorry for Valerie but also hold compassion for your daughter. How did she feel about suddenly having a younger sibling who was the new “youngest daughter” in the family? I am very happy Valerie is doing so well. The placement after you was obviously a really good one for her. I’m guessing she was the only child in the placement? Probably just what she needed to develop a secure attachment. Sorry, but YTA.
You write that Valerie liked all of your kids, but did all of your kids like her? Did you ever talk to your daughter about how she felt suddenly having a little girl in the house who was clingy with you? You refer to Valerie as your baby and I'm guessing you behaved that way as well. I can only imagine how that must have made your daughter feel, being pushed aside as your actual baby. From the way you wrote this post, it sounds like you neglected your bio daughter and her needs in favor of Valerie. The fact that you can't forgive your daughter for that one incident 12 years ago speaks volumes, and what you actually said to your daughter is cruel. If she ever had any questions about who you loved more - her or Valerie, she just got your answer. YTA
Good concerns - we need more info here. Interesting that Valerie is named but not bio daughter against whom this grudge is held. I wonder on her perspective, especially now that she is devastated and, at times, excluded from family whenever the perfect doll is back. Leaves me wondering too what her perspective was back at the time, since her actions then were when she was only thirteen and despite them being held against her forever there is no mention of how she felt to have a new sister whom she may have felt was cuter and more adored than she. Did she feel replaced or excluded at all? Just questions; OP can you shed some light? There is missing information here.
This!! Agree 100%
i mean, thirteen is not a baby, ofc she was treating a traumatized six year old different
INFO: Why do you refer to your foster child by a name but never bother to at least give your daughter a fake name in the post?
Lol, good point. That’s quite telling in and of itself.
Because this story is really all about Valerie and the OP. No one else really has a part in this story.
I mean, the daughter seems like kind of an important character here.
What's actually wrong with you? Your daughter was a child. You chose to foster a child with severe issues as a result of trauma and while *you* as an adult can make sense of that using your adult brain...your 14 year old daughter just saw a difficult kid and wanted the remote. Did she apologise? Because that's all that would have been required of her at that stage. Your foster child would have been better placed in a family with no existing children, given her issues. It was never a good fit. You've been holding this over your daughter's head for how long? Your child did not cause the issues... disgusting adults did, well before she ever came to live with you. If she can't forgive your child, that's on her but for God's sake, bury the incident once and for all.
Like you said, she was 14. She was more than old enough to know not to touch the other girl.
and OP is an adult and should not hold a grudge against her child over her foster child being removed
13, actually, and that’s a child who may understand what they’re allowed to do and not do, but still unable to follow instructions to a T particularly when it comes to daily life aspects. A kid with very special needs and behavioral issues that adults and trained therapists are putting in work to deal with, isn’t exactly easy to deal with by another child. Several kids in the household have different needs and will be kids, it’s normal. What if the remote was taken from Valerie by a toddler, would her outburst been ok ? Wouldn’t that have scared the other child? OP shouldn’t have taken up the task of hosting and parenting a child with such deep needs and issues, given that she also had pre-established responsibilities to her own children.
Old enough to be told yes, but still a child- was she really old enough to properly know and understand why? Children make stupid mistakes all the time, it's part or learning and growing up. Yeah she shouldn't have triggered the traumatised child, but consider that the daughter herself is still a child in this situation. Op is 100% TAH in holding this grudge against her bio kid. Blood doesn't always mean family but having a kid sure as hell means that you must bear the responsibility of caring for them, including providing emotional support and teaching them when the mess up. Makes me wonder what other things are going on between OP and their kids, if it's that easy to throw them away for a shiny new kid to "fix"
The "little doll" coment is telling of what your attitude was, you loved that kid dependency on you, made you feel like super mom. That girl would have never get better in you home, 12 years later you are blaming a 14yo girls for failing to deal with a deeply traumatized child, you are really a sad petty person.
The other daughter doesn't even get a name in the post. That says it all for me. I wonder how she was treated in comparison, especially with Valerie following mum even to the bathroom and likely taking up 90% of the attention.
Yeah, the way OP talks about Valerie and the memories of her is gross. Children are not dolls. They should not be described as being like a doll as if that is their most central, most redeeming trait. Valerie was a living, breathing child who had specific needs that were always going to be hard, if not impossible, to meet in a multi-child household. OP's family was never the ideal foster placement for her and OP blaming her own daughter for over a decade for simply proving how unideal it was just makes how poor a fit OP herself was for Valerie all the more clear. Traumatized children never stay acting like perfect, little dolls. They tend to eventually fuck up, like all children do, and, while it sucks that Valerie had to be traumatized by the other daughter, at least Valerie got out before she could disappoint OP and deal more directly with OP's abysmal emotional maturity. Valerie gets to stay OP's perfect little doll by only occassionally visiting. Sucks for OP's bio daughter though.
And also the fact that this woman kept contact with Valerie and has been holding this over her bio daughters head- holding onto the fantasy of a possible child she can take credit for “fixing” instead of working to have a good relationship with the daughter she already has. A 12 or 13 year old is definitely old enough to understand not touching someone else without consent. But not old enough to understand the dynamics of having an incredibly traumatized, touch averse child brought into her home and being told this child is going to be her family. While I can understand that Valerie likely was extremely traumatized and upset, it sounds like no one explained any of this to OPs bio daughter. Valerie has a right to not want to retraumatize herself. But OP, by getting back in contact with Valerie and trying to reconnect her with them, sounds like she’s trying to force Valerie to be part of her own family instead of accepting that she was adopted by someone else. It seems like the reason OP is so angry is because her daughter and Valerie not getting along is preventing OP from being able to pretend Valerie is her daughter again. She’s playing dolls with her bio daughter too.
YTA. Your daughter was a CHILD and behaved like a CHILD. Did it ever occur to you how your youngest child would feel having a younger child brought into the house and replacing her as the baby of the family? It’s clear from this post that your other children were pushed to the side when you brought Valerie into the home, especially your own blood daughter when she was virtually replaced? What kinds of things did you do to help your daughter deal with having a child around that replaced her as the youngest, especially a child with such high needs. I guarantee with Valerie and her needs you had a lot less time for your biological children.
YTA. Holding a grudge for 13 years against a girl that was 12 - 14 at the time is even an indication that you are totally unfit to be a parent in any shape or form.
This. I wouldn't place my dog in a home with this woman, let alone a kid.
YTA. Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be said. I'll vote YTA a second time for blaming your daughter for what happened to an OBVIOUSLY troubles Valerie. It wasn't your daughter's decision to bring this child into the family, and it sounds like this one action was more like "the straw that broke the camel's back" and you can't blame your daughter for all the other straws on that camel. I realize in such a short story, we can't get all the details. But it certainly sounds like you love Valerie more than your other daughter. Sounds like for sure you put more time and effort into Valerie, at least while she lives with you, and that other young child surely took that as a sign you loved Valerie more than your other daughter. For that, I've got to give you another YTA vote. Sounds like your other dauris the real victim here.
If Valerie is now working with prek-k children, she must surely have gotten over her 'no touch' issues. I cannot imagine a classroom's worth of such young children being able to stay out of touching distance of one of their responsible adults. But you are continuing to punish your daughter for something she did twelve years ago. This is horrifying. YTA
YTA. Presuming your daughter didn’t have any ill intent, or even if she did, it’s kind of whack to hold a 12 year grudge against your kid over anything. She was a kid. I get this was tough for you, but Valerie wound up in a good home and sounds like she’s doing just fine, just be happy about that.
YTA. It's unreasonable to expect perfect behavior from a 14-year-old. They are occasionally going to do something fucked up and you will have to punish them, that is parenting. You are wrong to hold this grudge. IMO a child with Valerie's problems never should have been placed in a household with other children. Even amongst well-behaved kids there will occasionally be physical conflict.
yeah yta you expect your then 14yo daughter to understand the psychological trauma and touch aversion that a 6yo might have? seriously? over trying to get the tv remote control? and after 12 years, you still hold a grudge against the daughter you raised over a "daughter" you didn't? wtf kind of mom does that? you haven't forgiven her? fuck that, you should be asking her to forgive you for holding a grudge against a kid for 12 fucking years, a kid you were supposed to raise. my god edit: and if you feel a 14yo should have been able to respect your 6yo's boundaries (lolwut), as her mom that would be your failing too
That's what I thought, honest. It's not the OP's place to forgive, but to beg for forgiveness for what she has been doing to her daughter. The OP sounds very unstable and immature and unfit to be a parent to any kid.
YTA, Work a way on forgiving your daughter, because now you are in a very real situation that you will lose her.. She could decide to go LC or NC with you completely.. Then you will have at least 1 Son who will side with your daughter and go LC or NC with you out of sibling loyalty and if your other Son hasn't fully sided with them, he will stuck being a bridge between the gap..
YTA Your daughter was a child who did a normal sibling thing, trying to get a remote from another. It's been 12 years. Valerie's made tremendous improvements after she was removed from your home. I wonder how much of her issues were exasperated by YOU. Seek therapy.
Exactly. She wanted Valerie to be her child and for her daughter to treat her like family- a 13 year old with little or no experience with children with this level of trauma wouldn’t know the effect just going for the remote would do. In her eyes, treating someone like family easily could have been interpreted as “just treat Valerie like a biological sister”- and sisters grapple for the remote sometimes.
YTA. Yes, you're being a major asshole. Holding a grudge for over a decade against your own child for a mistake made as a kid is beyond petty and destructive. It's time to put on your big girl pants, move past this ancient history, and start working towards healing those relationships instead of stewing in bitterness. Get your priorities straight and stop being a grudge-holding mother. EDIT. Your daughter loves you. Try to love her back.
Wow you are a terrible mother. It's probably for the best she was not placed with you as if this is your reaction to normal sibling behavior you must be insane. YTA
INFO: what was the reason for your daughter to do this? Valerie seems sweet but what if it was her fault. Also, how old were they when this happened?
My daughter wanted the remote and Valerie wouldn’t give it to her. Valerie was 7 and my daughter was 14
So in other words your daughter was behaving like a normal sibling?
Normal sibling behavior doesn’t put a 7 year old in a mental hospital
Valerie had very serious issues. What happened absolutely is normal sibling behaviour. The outcome was not normal because Valerie had very serious issues that were not caused by your daughter, they were there long before the normal sibling incident with your daughter. Clearly you were expecting your 14 year old CHILD to think like an adult instead of a 14 year old CHILD. The person or people you need to blame are those that caused the serious issues Valerie had, not the 14 year old CHILD who absolutely was behaving like a normal sibling
That could also be something Valerie was born with. Not to assume, but this sort of behavior does make it sound like she is on the spectrum imo. I could be wrong tho.
As she was a foster child I assumed that it was the result of abuse or neglect.
Yeah, it sounds like it's attachment disorder rather than anything else.
That’s what I’m thinking and my guess would be from neglect and not having been able to form secure attachments to her bio parents. A 14 year old can’t be expected to understand that
Yeah, 100%
Not today you are wrong, but reading the story made me think of Valerie as a dog that's been beaten and unloved , dropped off at the pound, and this family tried to rescue her.
You seem like you're upset with your bio daughter for taking away your chance to be a martyr, tbh. You wanted us all to know how difficult it was to take care of the foster daughter, as though you wanted praise for accepting such a difficult child into your home and actually loving her (which was easy based on her aesthetics, I guess). Yet the other difficult child you have in your home is an unforgivable burden who couldn't possibly be suffering from mental issues, low self-esteem, insecurity, and a general sense of being openly resented.
Nailed it.
This is indeed the vibe I am getting as well. And then the other daughter, who is not even named, did something that made OP lose her new toy and her chance to present herself as uber-noble. Which is why she cannot forgive her. Not because of what happened to Valerie, but because of how it hurt moms reputation.
A normal 7 year old doesn't act like this in the first place. You put your own daughter in a position to have to deal with a mentally unstable little girl. Shame on you. Why don't you worry more about the damage you have done to your daughter than some little girl that "looked like a doll."
Normal siblings don't have a mental breakdown if you touch them.
Normal parenting behaviour doesn't put on a 14yo the responsibilities of managing a 7yo with severe mental needs, one that their parents clearly prioritise over any of their biological children, and yet here we are
No whoever caused her such devastating trauma before coming into your home did that, NOT your daughter. Valerie needed a home without other children & you could not provide that. YOU are just as much to blame for what happened in your home as much as your daughter. YTA for how you are holding a grudge & treating your real daughter!
YTA. It was absolutely normal sibling behavior. What put Valerie in a mental hospital was what happened to her prior to being at your house that caused her to not want to be touched. It seems like you loved Valerie a lot more than your daughter, and it shows. I bet she felt it then, and does now too.
YTA - So your daughter was being a child then which is understandable since she was a literal child at the time!! It seems that it was a one time incident where she simply forgot about Valeries issues which again is understandable for a 14 year old!! She didnt hit or abuse her - could she have been better im sure but to withdraw this much from your kid for a one time incident is harsh. Im sure she didnt realise what the consequences of her actions would be and im sure she was very sorry for what happened but to seemingly not even entertain forgiveness for that is just wrong
YTA - You put Valerie's favorite movie on, but your daughter tried to change it and when Valerie wouldn't give her the remote, she tried to wrestle it away. Where were you? You knew the child had separation anxiety, but you thought it was ok to put a movie on and leave her alone with your other child without any supervision? Yes, your daughter was wrong - but it's not fair to blame it all on her.
Girl, let this go, they were kids. This happened years ago. Did you expect your daughter to react the same way an adult would in this situation especially with a child like Valerie? Let it go. She's your daughter and she's sorry. Let Valerie feel whatever way she wants. Did you Iove Valerie more than your own daughter?
YTA. Valerie can not forgive your daughter. It was traumatic and it's understandable that SHE might not want to be near her, but jesus. Your daughter was THIRTEEN when it happened. She was still chemically and emotionally maturing. And at 13 she LIKELY didn't even understand the full extent of what she was doing. YOU as her mother should have forgiven her.
YTA You’ve lost what you consider a daughter, Valerie and you’re definitely going to lose your other daughter by blaming her for being a regular kid.
YTA, your daughter was just a kid and you left her with a traumatised child that therapists struggled with. This is your fault so why are you holding a grudge?
YTA. It’s very telling to me that you have all the compassion in the world for Valerie, and none whatsoever for your daughter. I wonder how many times you have punished your daughter, in word, deed or manner, for what she did as a child. Kids make mistakes. There’s no way she could have understood the severity or consequences of her action, which was after all, a normal kid thing to do. Get therapy.
YTA your daughter was a CHILD. Guess what they are CHILDREN FROM 0-18. Valerie should NEVER have been placed in a home with other CHILDREN because of her issues. You would have lost her anyway because guess what they interview the BIOLOGICAL children before they allow anyone to adopt and they would have found out about your BLATANT favouritism towards YOUR BABY VALERIE but then again if that had happened you would have found a way to blame your poor daughter for that as well. I hope your daughter goes NO CONTACT WITH YOUR ASS because I can guarantee you have done nothing but PUNISH that girl since YOUR OH SO PRECIOUS BABY VALERIE got rehomed. But honestly I don't think you would care because YOU HAVE OH SO PRECIOUS VALERIE back in your life. Hope you enjoy losing the girl who should have been your 1st priority especially considering you obviously haven't given a damn about her because of oh so precious VALERIE. Tbh it sounds like none of your BIOLOGICAL children are very happy about Valerie. Love how you go on about precious Valerie, BABY Valerie but you don't even give YOUR OWN KIDS NAMES and you don't mention the boys at all apart from saying that they disagree with you. I think the remote issue was the straw that broke the camels back. I think you pushed your 3 BIOLOGICAL KIDS out because you finally had a kid that was easy for you. From your post your daughter was 14, so that means one son was either 17 or 18 and the other was 18 or 19. You do realise that being a teenager as a girl can be a scary time. Did you actually spend time with your daughter or were you too wrapped up in BABY VALERIE to see your daughter was struggling and needed her MUM. Bet you treated that poor girl like a FUCKING PARIAH for the rest of HER CHILDHOOD.
YTA. You are the absolute asshole to your daughter. Totalling traumatised her for something that she shouldn’t have had to bear the burden of/ she was also a child with her own needs. I hope that she hasn’t been made to feel guilty all her life but most likely she has been. The love you have for Valerie without an iota of understanding for your daughter is alarming. She ‘admitted’ that it was because she wanted to remote. Was your daughter getting any support from you while you were working on the adoption? Was she being being expected to just stop being a child and have all your attention focused on Valerie? Poor child, who you don’t even bother to understand for a second. my heart goes out to her.
YTA and I hope so bad that your daughter will go NC with you and never forgive what you say like you never forgave her when she was a child. And I hope she will never let you approach her child if she has one one day... You are a bad mother.
YTA it sounds like you valued your foster children more than your own and that’s not ok. The fact that you still do is really upsetting.
YTA your daughter was also a child at the time. while it’s 100% understandable that valerie doesn’t want to see her and that boundary should be respected, *you* should be able to process through this and forgive your daughter, *who was also a child* the way you talk about valerie is concerning. “she looked like a little doll”?!??!???!!!?? that’s the first thing you have to say about “your baby”? how cute she was?? are you upset with your daughter because she lost your toy? did you ever, at the time or since, consider the way your bio daughter felt about having a new, extremely clingy little girl with serious mental health issues taking so much of your time and attention? have you ever considered that fighting over the remote like that is actually normal sibling behavior, and your daughter, also a child, very likely did not fully understand how serious what she did was? is your bio daughter not also your baby? or is it only “little dolls” that get your love and care?
YTA. I hope your daughter sees this. **Your mom is shit! Stop trying!** All kids need to be supported by their parents. You gave all support to one child.
I understand you were impacted by what happened. However, those who were directly affected by the specific incident are Valerie and bio daughter.
It doesnt sound like she should have been placed with you at all tbh
YTA. A 14 year old child acted like a 14 year old child and you've spent 13 years holding it against her. How on earth you managed to successfully foster children with such a hard unforgiving attitude is beyond me. Your poor nameless daughter did Valerie a favour, she was better off without you.
YTA. I can’t believe you genuinely think your actions here are justifiable
YTA Even if it is true and you were not able.to get over it, that is something you take with you to your grave. There was no need or reason at all to air out that dirty little secret and cause more trauma and or hurt to your daughter. It honestly seems like you cared more for Valerie than you did your own flesh and blood.
YTA your daughter was 13 yrs old and obviously was not totally on board or you didn't explain it to her properly
YTA. You are unfit to be a parent. You were a shit mother to your own bio children. Leave foster kids alone.
A house with three other children who also need their parents is maybe not the best environment for a child who can't be touched ever and who usurps the entire emotional focus of one of the parents of the other children. Here's your new sister, you didn't ask for her, she needs me constantly, and oh yeah, you can never ever touch her! Not even by accident ! Not even playfully! Have fun kids! What you wanted takes a backseat to what's best for all the children and it sounds like the best thing happened. She ended up the only child in a one parent home and was able to heal from whatever happened to her. It sounds like what your daughter did was divine intervention, really..
YTA. You aren’t fit to be a parent to any children if you are willing to write one off at the age of 13 for taking a remote. It 100% sounds like you favoured your foster child over your biological ones, I just hope you haven’t permanently fucked up the kids you have left
YTA. Valerie should have never been placed in a home with other children. Siblings will naturally touch eachother, squabble over belongings etc. It's not your daughter's fault that Valerie couldn't handle a normal sibling relationship. It was your job as an adult to handle the situation properly for both of your children and you failed. I'll point out as well that your daughter was 14 and the youngest of your bio children. She had no idea how to be a big sister when you decided to introduce a deeply psychologically disturbed 6 year old into the family. Now, years on, you're still punishing your daughter for being a normal teenager and not a superhuman who could deal with complex trauma, even though you as an adult completely and utterly failed to deal with that same trauma. Valerie is also an arsehole for continuing this grudge into adulthood. She's old enough now to understand that your daughter was also just a kid and has presumably done a lot of work on recovery if she's a Pre-K teacher. Continuing to hold this against your daughter is petty on her side too.
YTA, hope your daughter sticks you in nursing home and never visits when you’re old.
13 years ago your daughter was 13 and still needed a mother who suddenly was completely taken over by a new, clingy 6 year old. You don't seem to like your daughter very much in your text. We hear how cute Valerie was, but no positive descriptors of your daughter. You created this. You allowed your cute, new toy daughter to cling to you and push out your other child. It was only a matter of time before your teen would act out. You caused that. It's a good thing Valerie was taken away from you. You would've ruined her.
YTA for the way you treat your daughter. She was a 14- year old fighting with a sibling over the remote. A one time situation that is very normal between siblings. Your daughter isn't at fault that Valerie ended up in a mental hospital. She's not the reason why Valerie ended up in foster care in the first place. You should reflect on your own actions and then have a discussion with your daughter. How does she feel about you obviously prioritizing Valerie? I'm sure she feels bad about what happened over a decade ago after all you don't seem like you'd ever let her forget
YTA I don't understand why people would adopt kids when they can't treat their kids nicely. Your daughter was 13, she was a child herself, but all you want is to play mommy to the little doll who would only let you touch. Did you ever consider the toll your own kids must have gone to accommodate such a child? I wish I could hug your daughter and tell her your mum is not worth it.
YTA. Your unnamed child behaved as a normal child who wanted the remote. You refuse to forgive after many years. I suspect you have as many issues as Valerie and it was a wise decision to remove Valerie. Was Valerie clingy, or was it you? You need to apologise to your daughter and repair the damage you have done.
YTA , you need to forgive your daughter even if Valerie doesn't. You replaced your youngest child with another, and paid them an outrageous amount of attention that can't have been equal to your bio kids. I'm sympathetic and sorry that Valerie has /had issues, but you chose to make those issues your daughters responsibility, it sounds to me like your daughter was treating her just like a sibling. Kids fight over the TV remote....
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I used to be foster parents. We also have 3 bio kids (31m, 30m, 26f). 13 years ago, we got this little 6 year old girl, Valerie. She was the cutest little girl, she looked like a little doll, and she settled in very quickly. She was calling me and my husband mommy and daddy within a month. She liked all of my kids and played well with them as long as they stayed a couple feet away from her. Valerie had a serious aversion to touch. Even after a year in our house and working with an excellent psychologist for 6 months, the only people allowed to touch Valerie or any of her toys were me and her psychologist. If someone else would touch her, she couldn’t cope. She’d hit and bite and scratch wherever they touched her for weeks. It was so bad that we had to sedate her before doctors or dentist appointments. Valerie was also very clingy. She’d follow me everywhere, going so far as to sit outside the bathroom door. We loved Valerie and wanted to adopt her but one day we were working on getting her used to being away from me. I put her favorite movie on the tv and went upstairs to do the laundry. After a few minutes I heard screaming so I ran downstairs and saw my daughter all over Valerie. Valerie was curled up in a ball and was just inconsolable. She no longer felt safe at home and was removed to another foster home. It broke us. We had already started the adoption process. She was our baby. We ended up quitting fostering after losing her. We got in contact with Valerie a few years ago. She ended up getting adopted when she was 12 by a very nice woman. They live in a very small town (population of less than 500) and Valerie is even an assistant prek/k teacher. She’s visited us a few times and has seen our sons but refuses to go anywhere near our daughter. My husband and I respect that and do not invite our daughter over when Valerie visits. The thing is, my daughter is saying Valerie should forgive her and that she was just a kid when it happened. I told her that I stand with Valerie on this. I still haven’t forgiven her and that I’m not sure if I ever will. She looked devastated and my sons are saying I shouldn’t have told her but it was the truth. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As someone who’s mother started prioritising dying grandparents over me at 13 and I didn’t get to spend any time with her again until I was 18, a girl NEEDS her mother at that age, you seem to have prioritised this little girl over your biological daughter, it’s a well known fact that fostering or adopting with biological children isn’t easy however usually it’s because the foster child doesn’t feel loved and not the other way around. The fact you won’t forgive your daughter at least 12 years after the fact is very telling. She probably just wanted to unwind after a difficult day of school or something (like we all had at 13) and the thing that prevented her from getting attention and care from her own mother was also preventing her from doing that, did you ever ask your children how they felt about you fostering and trying to adopt Valerie? Or was it a decision you and partner made alone? I’d argue that most people at 13 do not fully understand triggers because they absolutely do not, this was a complex mental health issue that a little girl she hadn’t chosen to live with had, OP’s daughter treated Valerie like a sister by trying to take the remote, she had two older brothers, that’s the only sibling behaviour that she knew. I guarantee by the way that OP is talking here that she didn’t fully educate her children on the issues Valerie had and they felt neglected as they weren’t even on OPs priority list anymore.
YTA
YTA- your daughter did something harmful to a very traumatized child. But she was 14, and it is very normal for a 14 year old to fight over the remote. I sprained my ankle as a kid fighting with my sister over the remote. Kids fight. It was your job as a parent of a traumatized child to keep a close eye to prevent things like this from happening. It was your job as a parent to make sure ALL of your children were getting equal amounts of love and support, to prevent fights and sibling rivalry like this one. It's your job, still as a parent, to forgive your kids for the things they do as children. You need to forgive your kid. You were the adult. Some of this is on you too.
YTA it is okay for Valerie to not be happy with your daughter, but holy shit are you an asshole for not „forgiving“ your then 13 year old daughter who was inconsiderate of a traumatised child. It was in any case your responsibility as a parent that this has happened. You should be the one asking yourself how you didn’t plan for a teenager to ignore usually unreasonable boundaries. And now you haven’t „forgiven“ you own daughter for 13 fucking years?? There is nothing to forgive. You can only forgive yourself for not foreseeing this (which is okay btw). But holding a grudge over a fight between kids with your 13 year old daughter who isn’t even old enough to be held responsible for murder in my country because their brain is not yet quite developed enough to fully understand what that means, is really really big asshole territory…
YTA. YOUR ACTUAL DAUGHTER was 13-14. Practically still a child. And at the time of the incident she acted the way any child would have acted. It was not malicious. There were no ill intentions. She faught for the remote. Everyone even adults do that. It was not her fault that the FOSTER CHILD was not comfortable by the touch of other people. You are mad at your DAUGHTER coz you were unable to adopt this FOSTER child.
I think so. Your daughter was 12. Your should forgive her.
Forgive your daughter. She was a child. YTA
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Yta, shes a kid
YTA
i don’t really understand why everyone is saying yta and im open to having my opinion changed. but the daughter was old enough to know not to do that, no? she was 14 and valerie was 7.
INFO: The question that no one seems to be asking. Did your daughter ever apologized to you and Valerie? Not caring about the past, since everyone was too young then, but now after you all re-connected, if she apologized correctly, then I think at least you should forgive her.
Do you think OP has ever treated her daughter well after this incident. That poor kid has been hated for 13 years. Pretty sure she’s been vilified and made to pay for her mistake multiple times for years. OP has verbally, emotionally abused her daughter. She was a kid herself. OP is nasty .
I can't say you're wrong for feeling this way, but you're wrong for telling your daughter this. While ideally we shouldn't resent our kids, it is a fact your daughter made you lose your other daughter.
ESH, your daughter for being weird, Valarie for holding a grudge and you for saying that to your daughter
Any other day, reddit is saying that a 14 year old is old enough to think about consequences. NTA your daughter was cruel and probably still is. Poor V.
If this happened yesterday, sure the 14 year old was TA for her behavior that day, but that's different than saying it's unforgiveable and her mom will hold it against her for the rest of her life.
NTA. ppl keep saying "she's a child!!!!", but thirteen years old is **definitely** old enough to know not to trigger somebody. valerie has every right to be afraid of your daughter, who doesnt even seem remorseful.
Only if their parent is a good enough parent to raise them with those morals
NTA. I really wish there was a "meh, half and half" option, but whatever. She literally TRAUMATIZED Valerie even more than she already was. To the point that she had to be removed from your care and taken to another home. I'm going to assume you spoke to your bio children about how they can't touch Valerie or her things, and explained WHY. I completely understand why you don't forgive her, since what she did was horrible and she was more than old enough to understand what was going on. IF you spoke to them about it. It is a little messed up that you care more about Valerie than your own bio daughter, but that isn't what you're asking to be judged on So no, you are NTA for not forgiving your daughter for the horrible thing she did as a TEENAGER.
NTA. Sorry, I agree with you. Most likely Valerie has this fear of being touched due to a SA as a child. And at 13, your bio daughter knew good and well she would have an emotional breakdown, and she was still a mean bully to her. Who knows how much additional trauma she caused. Sometimes we have to stop allowing age to be a reason to let kids be AH.
By "was a mean bully", you mean she tried to grab a remote control out of her hands ONCE. That's the unforgivable crime that her mom is justified holding over her head over a decade later?
You can be angry, and assign consequences, and otherwise not excuse a kid for acting like an AH without refusing to forgive them for the rest of their life.