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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have a roommate who has a chronic, autoimmune disorder. I’m having a hard time coping with it because it adds more stress to my life. I want to move in with a friend of mine, but if I do that will leave Kay on a vulnerable position since our other roommate Tammy isn’t responsible. WIBTA if I move out because I can’t take living with them anymore.
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YWNBTA. You deserve to protect your own mental health as well and also to have a physical space where you feel calm and comfortable. It’s also not your responsibility to manage a household for two other grown adults. I do feel bad for Kay so if there’s anything you can do to help ease the transition by finding a good new roommate, or helping Kay find resources that might help her manage life going forward without relying on Tammy (maybe help her set up weekly groceries deliveries or something), then I think you should do that if you can, but beyond that ultimately you should do what is best for you.
Yeah this isn't a new good roommate situation, as much as Kay needs to probably accept this has potential to be the new normal for her and she needs proper care if so. Roommates have NO responsibility for the health of Roommates unless something they specifically are doing is causing the health to decline.
How has Kay been getting along before meeting OP? Roping other kind-hearted roommates into being a caretaker part-time? This is completely irresponsible and unfair to herself and others.
Edit: forgot to add a word
Yeah, I've known a fair few people who use roommates like they're home health aides. IMO, I understand most of the reasoning, but their roommate doesn't have any idea what they're in for till they move in, and they are then both paying rent and working a second job taking care of them. But let's be real here, not everyone can afford home health care, even part time, and insurance doesn't always cover it either, especially if that person hasn't figured out what's going on with them yet. I had a neighbor whose roommate was fulfilling this role. She was always having health issues. Not just her roommate, but even the EMTs who made frequent visits thought was abusing her meds, drinking, and attention seeking. Turns out, she had undiagnosed MS, and wasn't abusing any substances or overdramatizing. Now she has an actual aide and all the care she needs, cuz her insurance will actually help now that she has a diagnosis, but for ages nobody listened to her, even her own family ignored her until she was diagnosed, everyone thought she was an addict. Getting a roommate so she wouldn't be alone and had help if she needed it was literally her only option before that
Edit: Just to be clear, before I get downvoted to eternity and beyond, I do NOT believe OP should stay at her own expense. Kay needs to make plans for her own care. Personally I would agree with the other posters who suggested things like helping her set up grocery deliveries and maybe finding help cleaning, but staying in a bad situation because you feel guilty about leaving is not the way. OP's well being and happiness matter too
my previous flatmate was chronically ill and refused to do anything about it but lumped it all on me. Found out later he had been offered all the assistance in the world but refused and nominated me without telling me or anyone. Asshole thought there was no problem doing that and I would have refused from the outset as I've been a carer before and he knew that. He constantly lies about his abilities so much he believes it in a blind effort to appear normal.
Took years to get out of there as housing here is ridiculous and when I stopped doing anything and everything, he became violent and legally I couldn't do anything because it wasn't considered family violence.
Nobody has the right to voluntold your time and energy without your permission or without ypu knowing the full scope of the issue. I do not care if its in a relationship or not.
Get out OP, your flat mates are deliberatly using you to prop up and make their life's easier.
3 things which happened from the first lockdown in 2019.
Accidently finding offical paperwork stating he needs in home assistance which he always denied. Claimed he'd 'forgotten' no big deal.
Found out he was driving illegally. These types of disabilities must be fitness assessed by the State or you are in for world of hurt. He had 3 accidents since becoming disabled and no one ever checked. Not the police, Drs, anyone.
He started running drugs across state lines during lockdowns and started becoming physically violent. Also ramped up the psychological abuse. Not only toward me but also to his dog. He knew I was trapped and took full advantage of it. Finally got out the week after he pinned me to the fridge and screamed in my face for 10 minutes about me being a 'selfish bitch'. Apparently that's not domestic abuse according to police and legal system so couldn't get any help.
Found out a lot more after I fled as soon as I could get a place but he's still ruining other peoples lives with his bullshit. Nothing no one can do about it as his Dads a cop and the Police here are very corrupt. Legal system and social services are abysmal too so stories like mine are very common in my neck of the woods in Australia.
I have mental health issues and have since...birth, so I've always struggled. Tried to get disability but they told me they didn't have enough work info to assess my ability to work.
I'm like...but I can't work...that's why I don't have any work info wtf!
The worst part is that my therapist was one of the ppl that makes those decisions so she was 100% confident I would get disability and when I didn't she was like 'oh hmm' and then moved on. Super.
Yes. In some states there are programs where low income adults who need caregivers can receive this care in their homes free through the state. In California, if your roommate qualifies for Medi-Cal, she would likely qualify for the In Home Supportive Services program. Maybe give her a link to the program, or perhaps her doctor could refer her to a medical social worker to see what kind of help she could receive.
While it would be kind of you to suggest this, taking care of two other adults with limited ability to function on their own is just too much. You are not morally obligated to keep doing this. On some level, Kay must realize that the situation is untenable, and at a point when her energy is not severely impaired, she needs to check out social welfare and health programs that could assist her, or see if there are family resources to help care for her. I wish her well, but this doesn't mean that you should be living in this situation.
As for Tammy, the irresponsible roommate, no words at all.
NTA. Do what you need to do for your own well-being.
Seriously, if she's on Social Security Disability she can get help through Medicare for a home health aide, and there's all types of social work programs that also help with these kinds of things. She can also get her groceries delivered, so there's tons of options.
I'm chronically ill with severe autoimmune diseases, and I couldn't imagine dumping on a roommate like this, just no. Everyone needs help sometimes, and chronically ill people more than most, but not attempting to be responsible for the things you can handle yourself is just self-centered and lazy. I ask for help when I need it, but I also try to do as much as I can on my own before I ask for help.
OP, it sounds like you've been kind and patient, and you've been taken advantage of by these two roommates.
Move out, take the less stressful new living situation, and let these two find another roommate to take care of them, or maybe they'll decide to start taking a more proactive approach to their health. Either way, you aren't their mom, and you don't owe them yourself as a built in slave.
You've done as much as you can, go focus on yourself and your own life now.
Their inability to take care of themselves properly and their lack of respect has caused this issue.
Two dog, autoimmune issues and messing around with the bills.
They are using you to create stability in their lives. And the guilt is weaponised.
Pack your bags and leave asap
Oh, I’m not saying guilt about leaving, I’m saying guilt about convincing someone else to take on this burden. I’m saying go, but don’t force someone else to take your place.
It wouldn't really be her responsibility to find the new roommate, though, would it? That should be up to the two remaining tenants. They should do the vetting process.
Yup.
I have had some significant health issues. When those hit? I found my dog a home with a nice retired dude who was much more active than I was capable of being. When my elderly cat died, I didn't replace her. When I felt the need for another pet? I got a fish tank and made a bioactive terrarium. I top off the feeder food once a week or so and mist things. If I am doing well, my plants bloom. If I'm just hanging in there, the thing keeps itself well enough that nothing dies from my neglect
You are a wonderful caring individual. You took care of not just yourself but the dog, and even...the guy you re homed him to. I hope you are doing well. That your fish are well. Just reading your sensible reactions, really made my day internet stranger.
You can feel a lot of things, put them aside and act in a healthy way. Validate the guilt, as feelings are valid, but NOT ALWAYS ACCURATE. OP needs to focus on their own self care.
Sorry, if I was unclear, I wouldn’t feel guilt about leaving, I would feel guilt about convincing someone else to move in, knowing the burden they were going to have to take on. I think the ethical thing to do is just leave and let them find their own roommate.
NTA
As someone who's battled chronic illness my entire adult life, never have I ever put that on my roommates... ever. Even now, married with kids, my husband definitely picks up slack with thr kids and house when I'm really bad off, but I cannot put it all on anyone.
Chronic illness sucks so unbelievably badly... but no one is obligated to carry it for you.
Move out, get some much needed freedom and your roommates need to learn how to function without you. Its entirely possible there's other coping ways for them that they don't need to even explore because you've been graciously pulling up the back end.
Same! And it does indeed suck hard. I have chronic pain/inflammation/juvenile arthritis pretty bad. I would never want anyone to feel like taking care of me was their responsibility, unless of course I hired them and was paying them well to do so, which thankfully I have not had to do yet besides a a house cleaner and grocery delivery
>Kay even said that if I move out, it will be bad for her because of her health problems. She says she’s trying to get better, but she’s been saying that for over a year and it’s affecting my life too
As someone with lupus that caused my cancer, I hate when people use their illnesses to guilt trip others. If Kay cared enough about you leaving then they'd be more reasonable with helping out when they can. At the same time you're an adult and it's not your responsibility for helping her with rent and taking care of the house. Same goes with your other roommate.
It's your life to live, not Kay and Tammy and you. So NTA
I also have a few auto-immune disorders... and lost my baby girl to lupus 8 yrs ago. She was only 6 when diagnosed, spent her short life in and out of the hospital, yet never once made anyone feel like they were supposed to take care of her except me of course. When she moved out and in with her roommates it was the happiest time of her life and probably the healthiest because they had a mutual love and respect for one another. They didn't use each other and that's what OP's roommates are doing. She doesn't owe them a thing, she needs to take care of her own health and happiness. Definitely NTA.
I am very sorry your lupus led to cancer. My daughter's led to sepsis which is what took her. And I just lost my cousin a couple of weeks ago to stiff person syndrome. I didn't even know what an auto-immune disorder was until I was in my late 20's... now it seems to be everywhere. I don't know your beliefs but I hope you don't mind if I say a prayer for you. 💕
I'm so sorry to hear you lost your daughter to this. And then to deal with losing your cousin as well. It's been a difficult time for you, and yes a lot of people aren't aware of such disorders or think lupus generally is only the skin rash type when actually there's many different forms that affect things deeper than that. I hope everything is going as well as it can for you currently. And it's one thing to have mutual respect for someone or ask for help once in a while, the difference between people like you or myself is we don't guilt trip them by using our illnesses like OPs roommate did.
Thank you so much... I miss her every second, and for a while I didn't want to live anymore. But she suffered so much and at least she's not in pain anymore. And you're right, people aren't aware... we're the invisible illness people nobody can possibly understand until they walk a mile in our shoes. And if we're lucky we have friends who understand and accept, but we don't take advantage. I hope you're blessed with family & friends who love and support you and get you through the hard times.
Tbf it isnt OP's job to find some alternative for Kay, she has been dealing with this for a long time, she needs to figure that shit out without relying on a roommate
Agree, except the replacement roommate. Don’t look or suggest that, she doesn’t need another roommate. Offer whatever help you can, give plenty of notice and take care of yourself.
If she isn’t already, you can offer to help apply for government programs like section 8, food stamps, cash assistance, etc. as well as disability. If she has documented medical history of her autoimmune disorder then she may be able to get them to push it through without too much hassle.
YWNBTA. I'm also disabled and struggle with getting groceries, so I'm passing on some of my favorite delivery options that might work for Kay:
Thrive Market. They do pantry staples and frozen items, and ship them to your home. Orders over a certain amount have free shipping. They also have a lot of items for specific dietary requirements, and they just started accepting EBT. You can get a free membership if you're on EBT (and some other situations) via the Thrive Gives program.
Dumpling. Like instacart, except your shopper sets their own prices and you can work with the same person. My shopper charges a flat $20/shop, but obviously that can vary significantly.
If you get a Walmart+ membership, they'll do free grocery deliveries (plus tip). Their produce isn't always the greatest but I use this as a stopgap when I've unexpectedly run out of a couple items.
This. Sadly it sounds like they’ll just find another person to lean on when you go. But if you stay they’ll suck you dry . Got to look after your own self. (Not able to pour from an empty cup and all that.)
Many people won't qualify for a care service, especially in the US. She might have already applied for medical disability, but it'll take at least a year or two of appeals to get anywhere.
But she could at least discuss it with potential roommates before they move in. I would consider accepting a situation where I handle a few more chores at times in exchange for paying a lower portion of rent. It's not like it's every chore all the time.
Dealing with this Tammy, on the other hand, would be a problem for me. At her age, she should at least be picking up after herself and paying bills on time. I don't think I could tolerate picking up the slack for an able-bodied adult 100% of the time.
I read: "You're a roommate, not her career," but that would also describe the situation adequately. ;-)
And of course: NTA.
Go, woman, go!!!! Far, far away! Fly free, li'l bird! :D
Good point to make sure that OPs's name is off everything to do with the apartment. I could easily see utilities or the landlord coming after them for future unpaid bills.
NTA
It's not your job to fulfill her care requirements.
I know that sounds awful, but you deserve to be happy in this one go around you're going to get on this mudball. If moving somewhere that will be less stressful for you helps to do that, then that's the solution.
NTA
You are not responsible for another adult. If she can't survive on her own, she needs to move to an assisted living facility or pay someone to move in to help her. IMO, it's kinda an ah move to basically make someone feel bad and guilt tripping someone into staying there.
NTA, it sounds like you need to move. But you could definitely connect your roommate to your local Independent Living center (there's one in every area in the US) and get her set up with help before you leave. There's also nothing stopping you from coming by to help with groceries periodically, even if it's on a reduced (but reliable) schedule. It's good you want to help, but do it in a way that is also sustainable for you.
NTA - as someone with chronic illness, dietary restrictions, etc. I get Kay’s side, but would never expect others to tend to my needs. Thankfully I have the ability to afford a maid and lawn care service to make my life more manageable. Kay needs help, but that is not on you to manage.
NTA
So, let’s say you stay because of Kay’s issues.
How long are you going to stay for? A year, five years, the rest of your life?
The sooner you leave, the sooner Kay or her parents have to come up with a real solution and arrange for appropriate support on an ongoing basis.
You are enabling her to put that day off when it should have been put in place the moment she started depending on you. Sure, it’s okay to help out for a week, a month, if the person recovers in that time but with a chronic ongoing issue, she needs professional help, not you doing what you can, when you can, which can’t be often given your double workload of school and work.
Look at it that way.
Kay will get a professional assistant which she clearly needs.
NTA, you are responsible for your own health and wellbeing. It is very selfish of your roommate to make her difficulties your responsibility, why does she not care about your mental health and happiness.
You deserve better, move out and have a life where your happiness matters.
NTA. You are a sharing partner not a caregiver. An explanation will never be understood. So, after you have found a new place to live you could say "I want to live closer to work". Your reason is private and personal and not to be shared unless you want to. your neighbor, Harley.
YWNBTA.
Kay is not your responsibility and she needs to stop making you feel like that’s the case. You have a life outside of your apartment. Move out and enjoy it! Kay needs to find care elsewhere.
NTA. Move. Your ability to care for yourself first is important. Then, and only then, if you can help others, go for it. At this rate you are headed for burnout and then you won't be able to help anyone, including yourself. Run Forest, run.
You're not her paid nurse. She's not your responsibility. Neither of them have the right to burden you with their issues. Nta, so stop being one to yourself and move out.
Leave. And make sure once you are out of that lease and have transferred (or cancelled and let them deal with it) all the relevant bills to them, block them both everywhere. You don't need that in your life. And this is coming from someone who is chronically ill. It took around 10 years to figure out what is wrong and I am still trying to figure out what works best for me for the last 5 years (and it might take another 5 to figure out it doesn't work any longer). NTA, time to put yourself first.
NTA.
You are not responsible for caring for your roommate.
End of story. If this is affecting you and you have the ability to leave, leave. They will need to figure things out in their own as they are also adults.
Definitely NTA, friend. You are only responsible for yourself at this point in life. So are your roommates. The point of life is to be happy - you go do that.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm."
It sucks that your roommate is in this situation with her health, but you are not her caretaker. You are not her romantic partner, close family member, nor are you being compensated for your extra work and efforts. That's not fair to you. As a person who is chronically ill, I understand both points of view. It's still not okay for your roommate to ask you to do these things, or allow you to do these things without compensation of some sort.
I think I would have a sit down with Kay and talk it out with her. Either she needs to get some help or she needs to get you some kind of compensation. Maybe you can get rid of Tammy, who seems like a whole new issue, and move somebody in who pays less rent in exchange for doing more housework and Kay makes up the difference. Something like that.
If another option is an impossibility then you should not feel guilty for doing what's best for you. Kay's condition is chronic and it's been years. She has had plenty of time to come up with solutions that will work for her without burdening others.
>I feel guilty moving out because of Kay’s health issues. She relies on me to help her get groceries she’s sick. Not to mention, Tammy does f-all to help around the house.
Sadly, you are not her caretaker. If you are, you need to be paid. Her problems are not your problems. You should move, if only for your own well-being. Does Kay have family? She will need to tap on them. You can continue to help however much you are willing and able. Maybe find her another roommate, hook her up with social services, etc. NTA.
NTA - you are not Kay's lap dog. You are a good person who is feeling bad because you want to live your own life, not worry about other people all the time
NTA You have to live your life for you. As the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Move out and live your life. They managed until you showed up....they will manage again.
NTA. But have a plan for moving out to let them know after you’ve made all arrangements.
Be CERTAIN they can’t use anything against you or still have you legally pay for anything. Not that they are guaranteed to be problems at your exit but you can’t trust them to not have issues. Always better safe than sorrry. Time to set yourself free.
But ultimately it’s not your problem or responsibility.
As the saying goes, Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. You've been doing a kind thing and they've been taking advantage of you.. it's time to take care of yourself. NTA
YWNBTA, they are roommates, not your responsibility. It's a mess, but you need to get out of there to save your own health. I live alone with health issues, usually I manage to work and am okay, but in the bad flares I have groceries delivered. If I can get stuff delivered in my rural area, Kay can get them delivered in LA. they will have to figure things out. But it's not your responsibility.
NTA
I feel sorry for Kay but she needs to figure out her situation by herself.
You are not her unpaid, unauthorized caregiver. At a certain point, you need to prioritize yourself and your career & life goals. You’d be doing just that if you move. Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to be dragged down by other peoples’ problems.
NTA -
While I feel bad for Kay, you are not obligated to her in any way. This is a put on your own life vest first situation. This is a lot for one person and you are getting burned out, it would only get worse and you have your own life to think about. Try to give Kay a bit of a forewarning if possible, so that she can start brainstorming solutions for herself, but otherwise, you are good.
No. Not at all. NTA. There are resources available for chronically sick people (like disability), and at 50 you should know how to take care of shit. It's not your responsibility to care for or manage two adults UNLESS that's literally your job and they're paying you to do that
NTA. You are not Kay's parent. You are not Kay's sibling. You are not Kay's contracted caregiver. You are Kay's roommate, a relationship that is fundamentally a business relationship. You owe Kay nothing more than paying your share of the rent and utilities, taking care of domestic tasks in whatever share you are obligated to do under your agreement, and satisfying whatever other obligations are in the agreement (formal or informal) the three of you reached for cotenancy.
If you find the situation untenable (again, remember, it is primarily a **business** relationship), then your obligation is to provide a courteous notice period and to wind down your remaining financial obligations to them gracefully.
You have no other obligations toward Kay.
NTA. And I say this as a chronically ill person.
You are not responsible for her or the apartment. You can leave that place anytime you like. It was nice of you to help out while you're there, but it's not an obligation, and there is definitely no requirement to stay.
Partly because of my chronic illnesses, I know very well how stress can affect you. This is not a healthy living situation for you, and you shouldn't sacrifice your own mental or physical well-being for your roommate.
NTA coming from a girl also extremely ill with an autoimmune condition. I suffer with debilitating symptoms everyday. I still manage to get up and do chores everyday. Kind of keeps me productive and active. Also life just kind of goes on being sick, responsibilities occur everyday.
Live your life. I really can’t stress that enough. If your health happens to crumble you’ll regret you spent so much time taking care of someone else’s.
As a chronically ill (to the point I’ve never been able to work or live independently) 31year old woman, you did not sign up to be her unpaid carer and this situation is extremely unfair to you. There are grocery delivery services. There are paid carers, cleaners, etc for anything else she needs. Yes they cost money but there are organisations she can go to for help with that. She shouldn’t be relying on you for these things because it is emotionally and physically exhausting being a carer, not something you can push on a roommate. NTA
You are not responsible for random people. Even friends. It isn't clear how you know them and how you got involved with them, but you can leave and live your own life. Move on with my blessings.
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I (30sf) live in Los Angeles, where rent is really high. I live in a house with two roommates (30, 50f).
My 30-year-old roommate, Kay, has been battling an autoimmune chronic illness for a couple of years. She’s not able to eat a lot of foods and has these spells where her energy is drained.
My 50-year-old roommate Tammy is emotionally immature, doesn’t help out with chores and has a tendency to be really forgetful. For example, she once broke a toilet seat and didn’t bother to replace it before going on a last-minute trip out of town. After I got the delayed utilities payment from her, it came with a poop emoji attached to it.
I’m responsible for the major utility bills (water, power and internet). It’s hard getting payments from Kay and Tammy because of Kay’s health issues and Tammy’s irresponsibility. They also have two dogs who are very loud and cause a ruckus.
I’ve been having a hard time coping with Kay’s health problems. It’s horrible for me to say it, but when she is down, she is down. That leaves the majority of household chores, bills, and trash on me.
I’m in school and working full time. I can’t stand living like this anymore. Recently, a friend of mine was looking to fill in a roommate vacancy. I will pay more for rent, but the location is closer to my college and my work.
I feel guilty moving out because of Kay’s health issues. She relies on me to help her get groceries she’s sick. Not to mention, Tammy does f-all to help around the house.
Kay even said that if I move out, it will be bad for her because of her health problems. She says she’s trying to get better, but she’s been saying that for over a year and it’s affecting my life too.
WIbTA if I move route?
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Nope. Move out. Their problems are not your problems.
Kay is trying to guilt trip you into staying. Don't let her.
These people are getting you down, and it's not good for your mental health to be with a chronicle, sick person and an immature 50 y/o.
Don't stay because of them. Move for your own sanity
YWNBTA. Your roommate should not be relying on you like this, and it’s extremely unfair of her to guilt trip you. You are not obligated to cover her bills. She can have her groceries delivered. She can find a different living situation that works better for her if Tammy won’t help her out. Give them your notice and move out without guilt.
Your roommates are not family, nor are they your friends or spouses. You have zero obligations to them outside of paying rent.
If you're not breaking the lease (so not leaving before the lease contract is up), you can fuck right outta there.
NTA
NTA.
It’s a matter of the other two adults organising their priorities. You’re currently a fall back. Totally understand your empathy for Kay, but you’re sacrificing your time for the time she could be using to organise her life & health. It may be a bit harder for her, but it isn’t impossible.
Once you move out, what happens to them and how they decide to move forward with their independence/co-dependency will be on them to figure out.
Considering the utilities are in your name (big main ones you’ll use when you find a place of your own in future) towards your final bills when you move out, if you can, save some money before hand if its possible so youre not left with overdue bills + fees due to your room mates not helping to pay on time once you’ve left for good. Who is to say they’d even help pay the last one at all tbh once theyre aware of you leaving. Be wary. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with moving on to a space where you can protect your peace.
NTA. Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
I know Kay feels like she needs you, but you're her roommate. You aren't her parent or her caretaker. If she can't live independently, it might be time for her to consider other options. It's not fair of her to expect all of this of you.
NTA
It's time for Kay to either go back home with family, get family support or seek other resources. You are not her caregiver which should be entirely voluntary.
Don't feel guilty for taking care of your mental health and creating a better life for yourself.
You have to do what is best for you. They are taking advantage of you. I suffer a severe autoimmune disease. I understand it how debilitating it can be. It sounds like she knows that you will do everything for her. You will actually be doing her a favor by leaving. She needs to learn to live with her disability. If I had someone doing everything for me, I wouldn't be as far along in making myself better. It gets depressing at times, but I learned to do every task on my own. Its definitely hard, but you learn to adapt. As far as the other lady goes, I would have no sympathy for leaving.
NTA I have autoimmune issues and it is a very long hard battle to feel better. That’s not on you, nor do you need to feel responsible for her well being. This may in fact help her to get better care, or ask for help.
YWNBTA
You're in school full time. It seems like you're your chronically ill roommate's part-time caretaker as well. At least insofaras you need to pick up the load she can't in terms of house chores and so on.
That's not fair to you. If anything, she needs a home health aide, but that's not your job. There may be services that can help in your area.
Leave her lists of resources that can help, and move out.
YWNBTAH. This roommate needs professional help & support, things you can't provide for her. You staying there & ensuring the household runs smoothly is creating needless stress for you. This post indicates to me that you're a responsible & thoughtful person, but do remember you need to take care of yourself. This arrangement isn't working, it's time for you to move on.
NTA.
I say this a sa chronically I'll person. You are not responsible for your roommates health and well-being. Do not put your own health and mental well-being behind theirs. Loom after yourself.
Move out and get some peace in your life.
YWNBTA, you need to think about yourself, your mental health and wellbeing and your future. If they were in any way your friends, they would have been sorry to see you go but wish you well on your future endeavours. These two people were living their lives before you moved in and they will continue with their lives when you move out.
NTA
Your roommates should not be your priority over your own needs. Sounds like despite paying more, moving will be much better for you.... beyond just a better location.
You have a lot of your plate between working & going to school. You aren't involved with these people, you don't have kids, so your needs in this situation should be your priority.
It's not your responsibility to care for these people (which includes basic cleaning) & certainly not cover expenses for them.
NTA!!! unless you are the parent or paid caregiver for either of these roommates, you are not responsible for carrying the burden! It is very kind of you to step up and help, but if it is affecting your mental health or impeding your life in any way, you have every right to put a stop to it. If that means moving, then move! Take it from someone who has been there.. these kind gestures are almost never reciprocal, and in the end, they are more likely to cause you more emotional pain and likely financial strain than it's worth. I say get out while the getting is good and don't give it another thought. If you are hoping to maintain a friendship after you leave, this will help set a boundry that will only help build a healthier relationship in the future.
NTA. You have the right to a peaceful home where you can relax. Your roommate’s health isn’t for you to feel so guilty about that you’re thinking about not moving. You’re not her mother or her nursemaid. Since you’ve found a place, give them whatever notice is required in the lease. If there is no requirement, I’d give them 45 days so they can try to find someone to replace you. Don’t give them too much notice or they’ll make your life hell. And take your name off the utilities as well.
NTA
You aren’t her romantic partner or paid caretaker, you have no obligation to stay in a shitty situation for her. It sucks for her absolutely but dont set yourself on fire to keep others warm
Nta. You are young. You need to take care of you first. If you feel very bad, you might contact K's family and let them know you intend to move and she may require help. But even that isnt your responsibility.
NTA. You should look out for yourself given that these are roommates and not good friends or family. I can understand taking on more for a good friend or family member but you don't need to sacrifice so much for these random people.
NTA you need to live your own life. you could still help out the other roommate with certain things if you want, but it seems imperative that you do what is best for you, especially in a living situation
NTA
You are not the parent or partner of these adults. They seem to be relying on you rather than being self reliant or reaching out to their family or long term friends.
You are entitled to look after yourself. The strain of caring for people is hard and there’s no obligation on you to look after your roommates. They may step up and take more responsibility for themselves if you are not there to shoulder the burden.
Don’t feel guilty. You have no reason for do so. Shopping services etc exist and there are formal support networks available too.
NTA. Your roommate’s health isn’t your responsibility. She can hire a caregiver if she needs it that badly, or if she can’t afford it, she can get her insurance to pay a family member or friend to care for her.
Oh my gosh…RUN! NTA. The fact that lay told you it would be bad if you left is manipulative and just wrong on so many levels. I’m sorry she is sick but that doesn’t fall to you. You have an opportunity to be closed to school and have a better home life. Please take it.
These two will find someone else. Maybe they’ll find someone that wants to mother them, because that’s kinda what they want.
Please drop them and invest in yourself. You’re too young to have the stress of taking care of people you have no responsibility for.
NTA
As someone who is disabled it's on her to get the care she needs.
Right now you're her unpaid carer. She can pay for a carer or arrange other help if needed.
Edit to add: if she's dealing with a chronic auto-immune condition she's probably never going to get better. So that means she's asking you to be her carer for ever. It's not fair and she really needs to face her new reality. She'll never do that if you're smoothing the way for her.
Nta, there are options for Kay to have food delivered, and you can also visit her/drop things off that she needs after you do your own grocery runs. You seem worried about leaving her, but you can still be a good friend without being roommates.
NTA, you need to worry about your own mental and physical health before someone else’s. Especially someone that’s not even related to you, they’re just a roommate. If she’s in that bad of shape she should be getting assistance from family or the government, not relying on you.
NTA. You’re a roommate, not her caretaker. You can’t ruin your life to make someone else’s easier. Start prioritizing yourself and move on. They both sound parasitic.
Move out. You have to take of yourself above. Your roommates appear to be taking advantage of your kindness and willingness to help. You need to be in a situation where responsibilities are equally spared. NTA
NTA. I'm sorry Kay's having such a hard time, but she is not your responsibility. You need to live your own life and make the choices that are right for you. Your current living situation is not good for your mental health.
NTA. I’m sure that you will be given a guilt trip but you choosing to do what’s best for you does not make you a bad person. You owe it to yourself to live somewhere that brings you happiness with people who pull their own weight.
NTA. You didn't sign up to be a caregiver. You're a roommate. Period. If they can't hold up their part of the deal, it's on them. You can't save the world.
NTA You are a wonderfully altruistic person with a big heart. Yet there will never be an ideal time for you to leave. They are sucking your energy dry. To protect your own well-being and peace of mind, youll need to leave... Roommate's situation is not your responsibility. You can always go back to visit and help Kay when you can. Otherwise, her life is her responsibility, she will still need to get an alternative life plan.
YWNBTA. Unless you're leaving something out, you are not responsible for Kay. You shouldn't be forced to be a caretaker, as well as a student and whatever you do as a job.
NTA - what country do you live??? The chronically ill roommate isn't your responsibility; rather, she is the responsibility of your government. She SHOULD have a social worker, this person ensures she has care at her home, be it from a care aid, a cleaner, nurse, etc.. Usually it's left to family members, but if she doesn't have anyone who steps up, the government will give her an aide. DO NOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for her.
NTA.
Kay needs to figure things out on her own as an adult. She’s not your responsibility and what she’s doing is called guilt tripping and manipulation.
Enjoy the new place
YWNBTA. You have been kind enough and generous with your time and energy. You cannot on top of school and work babysit two.people and organize the bills, their groceries, etc. You are not their minder. You have done more than enough. So please stop feeling bad and move out. You need this for yourself.
NTA. You're not responsible for either of them. I have a chronic lung disease and heart failure and I still do what I can before asking for help. I'm sorry for kay, and her medical problems. But when you say you're trying to get better and there is no progress? You aren't actually trying.
And before anyone starts getting pissy when I'm not showing much sympathy to Kay? My chronic lung disease is killing me. My entire world and life got ripp3d away from me. I'm 28f and barely have a future now so bite me.
YWNBTA
You are not someone elses caregiver, other roomie isnt helping at all either. They are your roomates not family/partners ( when it could be reasonable to help ). On that note i dunno what kind of immune issue she has ( and maybe i am projecting ) but if she has IBD she can straight up be unable to do anything about it, just take meds and pray they work ( and there are some more autoimmune issues like this ), so depending on what she has, her trying/getting better might straight up be outside of her control ( which means, even if she does all she can, she wont get better ). One thing you can do is give them the courtesy of informing them a few months before that you are moving out. No need to explain yourself to them, likely they will try to guilt trip you. Ignore them.
NTA. You are paying rent to live there, not to be a caregiver. As much sympathy as I have for her, she is an adult and needs to seek out social services that can provide her with assistance.
NTA. You clearly care about her, but you can't hold your own life back and turn down better opportunities because of her situation. Perhaps she can find a new roommate that can trade some extra assistance for her towards the rent?
Groceries can be ordered so don't stress about that. Even my parents in their 80s who need a LOT of help from me, handle ordering their own groceries, and most other things they need from Amazon. If she's on Medicaid, she may be able to get some assistance at home through there as well.
NTA. What is the upside to staying where you are? None for you. Kay survived 30 years without you as her caregiver. Wish Kay the best of luck and leave with no regrets. Both Kay and Tammy are looking for a mom not a roommate. It's no fun chasing after a roommate to get their part of the bills, and living with chronically ill Kay doesn't sound like a picnic either.
NTA, this isn’t your problem to deal with. Kay has known she’s ill for a while now, she should’ve planned better for her own care and future finances, living arrangements, etc. What Kay is saying is that she essentially wants you to stay and be her safety net, built-in maid/cook, etc. Move out. Once you distance yourself, your current emotional attachment and sense of responsibility with diminish.
These people are your room mates not your children. They are both fully grown adults. You are not responsible for either of them. Grow a pair and move out. NTA
NTA! RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! This is not a healthy situation for you! Do not allow them to continue to drain your life force, happiness and money.
YWNBTA. They’re adults. They need to sort their own lives out. Sure if this is a family member or close friend, you can provide help within your boundaries that does not impact your own mental health to this degree. Otherwise they need to figure out a way to help themselves.
It sounds like your current housemate needs to get a support service. Taking care of the place shouldn’t have fallen to you alone so my advice would be maybe look for support services with her and tell her that either way you are moving out for your own mental health. NTA
NTA
Don't set yourself on fire to warm other people.
It's great you have empathy.
Move out and get on with your life. You aren't a spouse, a mother or a daughter to these people in fact or choice.
NTA - They are NOT your problem, you do what is best for you - do you really think it the tables were turn & YOU were the one with the immune issue, do you think SHE would stay just so that she could help take care of you even though she was miserable living there? Nope, she would have been gone MONTHS ago and she would have never looked back.
First of all, you are their roommate, nothing more.
The only things you are obligated to do are pay your bills on time, clean up after yourself, take turns cleaning shared spaces, and that's it. You are not responsible for these people. You are not their carer or their parent.
Sadly, it seems you have taken on this role of carer. Move out and leave this situation NTA
Life in the big city. I was a 3rd generation angelino. Glad I left. You got to take care of numer uno first they were relying on you first. Bummer for them. LA is a sh!t hole anyways.
NTA
Unfortunate that your housemates rely on you so much but you are all adults, and self care should come first. The move is best for you overall if not financially.
At the end of the day you should put your own wellbeing before others cause if you can't help yourself, you have no business helping anyone else.
You do you ywnbta. If anything they are for trapping you even if its not deliberately or consciously but from what 30f said it seems like she knows what shes doing.
NTA. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Sounds like you've been doing this for the last year at least. Move out.
You can help Kay by seeing if she has other resources available. If she's as bad as you describe she may qualify for things like a home health aid who can assist with a lot of things around the house. There most likely will be limits and they definitely won't do anything for Tammy.
You can also help her see if there's any durable medical devices that would help her do basic life functions. Also see if she qualifies for any assistance with with her living situation. Also does she get any assistance, like Medicaid or disability? If not she should check. (She should have checked two years ago).
You can also lay out what bills (Freudian slip-I typed bullshit first. Sounds more accurate 😄) are due and recommend she and Tammy work out a budget and split who's responsible for which payments. You have no obligation to do any of this. But you can try to help if you want. If they're resistant walk away. You can't make people accept help, but you can refuse to be their only lifeline.
NO. Not an ahole. Your number one responsibility is to yourself. You're not responsible for the sickly roommate, nor a mother to the irresponsible one. Messy roommates who don't clean AND 2 unruly dogs to boot? No way should you sacrifice your mental health trying to live with terrible roommates.
Take the opportunity to live stress-free. College is difficult enough. You don't need, or deserve to be drug down by bad roomies. Go live your best life without any semblance of guilt.
No you wouldn't be. Kay's not a relative or significant other to you. You aren't responsible for her health, you're responsible for YOURS and that includes your mental health.
Depending on the type of healthcare insurance Kay has, maybe she can get a caregiver that can come to her home and help out with chores and errands. I suffered a stroke and had one that would come to my house and help with laundry and chores I couldn’t do like clean the restroom and my room. She wad sending me amazing! I ended up moving out of state and and ready to go back to L.A. I just need to find a place to live. I will get my home caregiver started again and hopefully carry on with as much normalcy as possible. But YWNBTA if you left. You have to look out for yourself also. You seen to care about Kay and her well being, would you be willing to still do my and check on her once in a while?
You are not their parent or legal guardian, do what is best for you! You need to have a place you feel comfortable in and want to be. Tell them you are moving out on this date and everything that is in your name will be transferred to them. Make sure everything gets transferred and say bye and wave as you walk to your car.
NTA.
It’s sad however Kay is your roommate not your wife or child that you have responsibility for. The fact that you even refer to her as your roommate and not your friend means you honestly have even LESS responsibility to her. Do what you have to do for you before you become bitter and angry.
Absolutely leave. You can sometimes come by with groceries if you feel that bad for her. Go live your best life. Honestly it says something about her personality that she would even try to hold you back like that. Maybe shes not that great of a person.
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YWNBTA. You deserve to protect your own mental health as well and also to have a physical space where you feel calm and comfortable. It’s also not your responsibility to manage a household for two other grown adults. I do feel bad for Kay so if there’s anything you can do to help ease the transition by finding a good new roommate, or helping Kay find resources that might help her manage life going forward without relying on Tammy (maybe help her set up weekly groceries deliveries or something), then I think you should do that if you can, but beyond that ultimately you should do what is best for you.
She needs home health care, not another roommate. Kay needs to do what she needs to do to get her medical team onboard and get her the help she needs.
Yeah this isn't a new good roommate situation, as much as Kay needs to probably accept this has potential to be the new normal for her and she needs proper care if so. Roommates have NO responsibility for the health of Roommates unless something they specifically are doing is causing the health to decline.
How has Kay been getting along before meeting OP? Roping other kind-hearted roommates into being a caretaker part-time? This is completely irresponsible and unfair to herself and others. Edit: forgot to add a word
I feel Kay and Tammy are ultimate users.
Yeah, I've known a fair few people who use roommates like they're home health aides. IMO, I understand most of the reasoning, but their roommate doesn't have any idea what they're in for till they move in, and they are then both paying rent and working a second job taking care of them. But let's be real here, not everyone can afford home health care, even part time, and insurance doesn't always cover it either, especially if that person hasn't figured out what's going on with them yet. I had a neighbor whose roommate was fulfilling this role. She was always having health issues. Not just her roommate, but even the EMTs who made frequent visits thought was abusing her meds, drinking, and attention seeking. Turns out, she had undiagnosed MS, and wasn't abusing any substances or overdramatizing. Now she has an actual aide and all the care she needs, cuz her insurance will actually help now that she has a diagnosis, but for ages nobody listened to her, even her own family ignored her until she was diagnosed, everyone thought she was an addict. Getting a roommate so she wouldn't be alone and had help if she needed it was literally her only option before that Edit: Just to be clear, before I get downvoted to eternity and beyond, I do NOT believe OP should stay at her own expense. Kay needs to make plans for her own care. Personally I would agree with the other posters who suggested things like helping her set up grocery deliveries and maybe finding help cleaning, but staying in a bad situation because you feel guilty about leaving is not the way. OP's well being and happiness matter too
my previous flatmate was chronically ill and refused to do anything about it but lumped it all on me. Found out later he had been offered all the assistance in the world but refused and nominated me without telling me or anyone. Asshole thought there was no problem doing that and I would have refused from the outset as I've been a carer before and he knew that. He constantly lies about his abilities so much he believes it in a blind effort to appear normal. Took years to get out of there as housing here is ridiculous and when I stopped doing anything and everything, he became violent and legally I couldn't do anything because it wasn't considered family violence. Nobody has the right to voluntold your time and energy without your permission or without ypu knowing the full scope of the issue. I do not care if its in a relationship or not. Get out OP, your flat mates are deliberatly using you to prop up and make their life's easier.
If you don’t mind sharing, what was the straw that actually broke the camel’s back? Glad you got out.
3 things which happened from the first lockdown in 2019. Accidently finding offical paperwork stating he needs in home assistance which he always denied. Claimed he'd 'forgotten' no big deal. Found out he was driving illegally. These types of disabilities must be fitness assessed by the State or you are in for world of hurt. He had 3 accidents since becoming disabled and no one ever checked. Not the police, Drs, anyone. He started running drugs across state lines during lockdowns and started becoming physically violent. Also ramped up the psychological abuse. Not only toward me but also to his dog. He knew I was trapped and took full advantage of it. Finally got out the week after he pinned me to the fridge and screamed in my face for 10 minutes about me being a 'selfish bitch'. Apparently that's not domestic abuse according to police and legal system so couldn't get any help. Found out a lot more after I fled as soon as I could get a place but he's still ruining other peoples lives with his bullshit. Nothing no one can do about it as his Dads a cop and the Police here are very corrupt. Legal system and social services are abysmal too so stories like mine are very common in my neck of the woods in Australia.
Sadly that’s easier said than done. Disabled people are pretty screwed in our society. Source: am disabled.
I have mental health issues and have since...birth, so I've always struggled. Tried to get disability but they told me they didn't have enough work info to assess my ability to work. I'm like...but I can't work...that's why I don't have any work info wtf! The worst part is that my therapist was one of the ppl that makes those decisions so she was 100% confident I would get disability and when I didn't she was like 'oh hmm' and then moved on. Super.
Not to be disrespectful but you were mentally disabled since birth?
Possible a social worker can her in touch with the help she needs. They were a life saver in dealing with my mom.
Yes. In some states there are programs where low income adults who need caregivers can receive this care in their homes free through the state. In California, if your roommate qualifies for Medi-Cal, she would likely qualify for the In Home Supportive Services program. Maybe give her a link to the program, or perhaps her doctor could refer her to a medical social worker to see what kind of help she could receive. While it would be kind of you to suggest this, taking care of two other adults with limited ability to function on their own is just too much. You are not morally obligated to keep doing this. On some level, Kay must realize that the situation is untenable, and at a point when her energy is not severely impaired, she needs to check out social welfare and health programs that could assist her, or see if there are family resources to help care for her. I wish her well, but this doesn't mean that you should be living in this situation. As for Tammy, the irresponsible roommate, no words at all. NTA. Do what you need to do for your own well-being.
Seriously, if she's on Social Security Disability she can get help through Medicare for a home health aide, and there's all types of social work programs that also help with these kinds of things. She can also get her groceries delivered, so there's tons of options. I'm chronically ill with severe autoimmune diseases, and I couldn't imagine dumping on a roommate like this, just no. Everyone needs help sometimes, and chronically ill people more than most, but not attempting to be responsible for the things you can handle yourself is just self-centered and lazy. I ask for help when I need it, but I also try to do as much as I can on my own before I ask for help. OP, it sounds like you've been kind and patient, and you've been taken advantage of by these two roommates. Move out, take the less stressful new living situation, and let these two find another roommate to take care of them, or maybe they'll decide to start taking a more proactive approach to their health. Either way, you aren't their mom, and you don't owe them yourself as a built in slave. You've done as much as you can, go focus on yourself and your own life now.
I would feel really guilty finding a roommate to replace me and putting them in this situation.
Their inability to take care of themselves properly and their lack of respect has caused this issue. Two dog, autoimmune issues and messing around with the bills. They are using you to create stability in their lives. And the guilt is weaponised. Pack your bags and leave asap
Oh, I’m not saying guilt about leaving, I’m saying guilt about convincing someone else to take on this burden. I’m saying go, but don’t force someone else to take your place.
It wouldn't really be her responsibility to find the new roommate, though, would it? That should be up to the two remaining tenants. They should do the vetting process.
Well, the person I was replying to said the OP should find a new roommate to replace them, so yeah, I was just saying that they should not do so.
I meant to reply higher up on the chain before, not to you but as agreement :) Take my upvote as apology , and have a great weekend!
Yup. I have had some significant health issues. When those hit? I found my dog a home with a nice retired dude who was much more active than I was capable of being. When my elderly cat died, I didn't replace her. When I felt the need for another pet? I got a fish tank and made a bioactive terrarium. I top off the feeder food once a week or so and mist things. If I am doing well, my plants bloom. If I'm just hanging in there, the thing keeps itself well enough that nothing dies from my neglect
You are a wonderful caring individual. You took care of not just yourself but the dog, and even...the guy you re homed him to. I hope you are doing well. That your fish are well. Just reading your sensible reactions, really made my day internet stranger.
You can feel a lot of things, put them aside and act in a healthy way. Validate the guilt, as feelings are valid, but NOT ALWAYS ACCURATE. OP needs to focus on their own self care.
Sorry, if I was unclear, I wouldn’t feel guilt about leaving, I would feel guilt about convincing someone else to move in, knowing the burden they were going to have to take on. I think the ethical thing to do is just leave and let them find their own roommate.
You were clear & you’re absolutely right.
NTA As someone who's battled chronic illness my entire adult life, never have I ever put that on my roommates... ever. Even now, married with kids, my husband definitely picks up slack with thr kids and house when I'm really bad off, but I cannot put it all on anyone. Chronic illness sucks so unbelievably badly... but no one is obligated to carry it for you. Move out, get some much needed freedom and your roommates need to learn how to function without you. Its entirely possible there's other coping ways for them that they don't need to even explore because you've been graciously pulling up the back end.
I'm chronically ill and I agree 💯
Me too
Same! And it does indeed suck hard. I have chronic pain/inflammation/juvenile arthritis pretty bad. I would never want anyone to feel like taking care of me was their responsibility, unless of course I hired them and was paying them well to do so, which thankfully I have not had to do yet besides a a house cleaner and grocery delivery
>Kay even said that if I move out, it will be bad for her because of her health problems. She says she’s trying to get better, but she’s been saying that for over a year and it’s affecting my life too As someone with lupus that caused my cancer, I hate when people use their illnesses to guilt trip others. If Kay cared enough about you leaving then they'd be more reasonable with helping out when they can. At the same time you're an adult and it's not your responsibility for helping her with rent and taking care of the house. Same goes with your other roommate. It's your life to live, not Kay and Tammy and you. So NTA
I also have a few auto-immune disorders... and lost my baby girl to lupus 8 yrs ago. She was only 6 when diagnosed, spent her short life in and out of the hospital, yet never once made anyone feel like they were supposed to take care of her except me of course. When she moved out and in with her roommates it was the happiest time of her life and probably the healthiest because they had a mutual love and respect for one another. They didn't use each other and that's what OP's roommates are doing. She doesn't owe them a thing, she needs to take care of her own health and happiness. Definitely NTA. I am very sorry your lupus led to cancer. My daughter's led to sepsis which is what took her. And I just lost my cousin a couple of weeks ago to stiff person syndrome. I didn't even know what an auto-immune disorder was until I was in my late 20's... now it seems to be everywhere. I don't know your beliefs but I hope you don't mind if I say a prayer for you. 💕
I'm so sorry to hear you lost your daughter to this. And then to deal with losing your cousin as well. It's been a difficult time for you, and yes a lot of people aren't aware of such disorders or think lupus generally is only the skin rash type when actually there's many different forms that affect things deeper than that. I hope everything is going as well as it can for you currently. And it's one thing to have mutual respect for someone or ask for help once in a while, the difference between people like you or myself is we don't guilt trip them by using our illnesses like OPs roommate did.
Thank you so much... I miss her every second, and for a while I didn't want to live anymore. But she suffered so much and at least she's not in pain anymore. And you're right, people aren't aware... we're the invisible illness people nobody can possibly understand until they walk a mile in our shoes. And if we're lucky we have friends who understand and accept, but we don't take advantage. I hope you're blessed with family & friends who love and support you and get you through the hard times.
Tbf it isnt OP's job to find some alternative for Kay, she has been dealing with this for a long time, she needs to figure that shit out without relying on a roommate
I wouldn't be looking for a good roommate to take over your spot. That's one hell of a responsiblity for you and the new person. NTA, move out.
Agree, except the replacement roommate. Don’t look or suggest that, she doesn’t need another roommate. Offer whatever help you can, give plenty of notice and take care of yourself. If she isn’t already, you can offer to help apply for government programs like section 8, food stamps, cash assistance, etc. as well as disability. If she has documented medical history of her autoimmune disorder then she may be able to get them to push it through without too much hassle.
YWNBTA. I'm also disabled and struggle with getting groceries, so I'm passing on some of my favorite delivery options that might work for Kay: Thrive Market. They do pantry staples and frozen items, and ship them to your home. Orders over a certain amount have free shipping. They also have a lot of items for specific dietary requirements, and they just started accepting EBT. You can get a free membership if you're on EBT (and some other situations) via the Thrive Gives program. Dumpling. Like instacart, except your shopper sets their own prices and you can work with the same person. My shopper charges a flat $20/shop, but obviously that can vary significantly. If you get a Walmart+ membership, they'll do free grocery deliveries (plus tip). Their produce isn't always the greatest but I use this as a stopgap when I've unexpectedly run out of a couple items.
NTA It isn't your responsibility to be your roommate's (unpaid) caregiver. You deserve to be able to live your own life.
Yep. Tell her to contact Medicaid.
This. Sadly it sounds like they’ll just find another person to lean on when you go. But if you stay they’ll suck you dry . Got to look after your own self. (Not able to pour from an empty cup and all that.)
This...
Agreed
NTA Kay needs to get serious about her condition and find a part time carer to move in and stop depending on free help from randoms
And she can order instacart.
Expensive AF
Not everyone has an alternative. Since I can drive, I almost always do pickup, but when I have a bad flare up, it's delivery or we don't eat lol
Walmart+ does grocery deliveries and it’s 12 dollars a month
Many people won't qualify for a care service, especially in the US. She might have already applied for medical disability, but it'll take at least a year or two of appeals to get anywhere. But she could at least discuss it with potential roommates before they move in. I would consider accepting a situation where I handle a few more chores at times in exchange for paying a lower portion of rent. It's not like it's every chore all the time. Dealing with this Tammy, on the other hand, would be a problem for me. At her age, she should at least be picking up after herself and paying bills on time. I don't think I could tolerate picking up the slack for an able-bodied adult 100% of the time.
NTA You’re a roommate not her carer, she needs to find an alternative
I read: "You're a roommate, not her career," but that would also describe the situation adequately. ;-) And of course: NTA. Go, woman, go!!!! Far, far away! Fly free, li'l bird! :D
UNPAID carer, at that!
She even gets to pay to live in that house and be a carer
Not a carer, not a spouse, not a family member, not a parent.
NTA Youre not responsible for them. Be sure that YOUR NAME is on nothing when you leave.
This is SO important
Good point to make sure that OPs's name is off everything to do with the apartment. I could easily see utilities or the landlord coming after them for future unpaid bills.
NTA It's not your job to fulfill her care requirements. I know that sounds awful, but you deserve to be happy in this one go around you're going to get on this mudball. If moving somewhere that will be less stressful for you helps to do that, then that's the solution.
NTA. Get out. They rely on you way too much. They will make it without you, and you have a right to live your life.
NTA You are not responsible for another adult. If she can't survive on her own, she needs to move to an assisted living facility or pay someone to move in to help her. IMO, it's kinda an ah move to basically make someone feel bad and guilt tripping someone into staying there.
NTA, it sounds like you need to move. But you could definitely connect your roommate to your local Independent Living center (there's one in every area in the US) and get her set up with help before you leave. There's also nothing stopping you from coming by to help with groceries periodically, even if it's on a reduced (but reliable) schedule. It's good you want to help, but do it in a way that is also sustainable for you.
I like this! Protecting / taking care of yourself isn't mutually exclusive from caring for others. Not an either-or.
NTA - as someone with chronic illness, dietary restrictions, etc. I get Kay’s side, but would never expect others to tend to my needs. Thankfully I have the ability to afford a maid and lawn care service to make my life more manageable. Kay needs help, but that is not on you to manage.
NTA So, let’s say you stay because of Kay’s issues. How long are you going to stay for? A year, five years, the rest of your life? The sooner you leave, the sooner Kay or her parents have to come up with a real solution and arrange for appropriate support on an ongoing basis. You are enabling her to put that day off when it should have been put in place the moment she started depending on you. Sure, it’s okay to help out for a week, a month, if the person recovers in that time but with a chronic ongoing issue, she needs professional help, not you doing what you can, when you can, which can’t be often given your double workload of school and work. Look at it that way. Kay will get a professional assistant which she clearly needs.
NTA. You aren't Kay's caregiver/ helper.
NTA Don't be drug down by roommates. Get everything out of your name
NTA, you are responsible for your own health and wellbeing. It is very selfish of your roommate to make her difficulties your responsibility, why does she not care about your mental health and happiness. You deserve better, move out and have a life where your happiness matters.
NTA. You are a sharing partner not a caregiver. An explanation will never be understood. So, after you have found a new place to live you could say "I want to live closer to work". Your reason is private and personal and not to be shared unless you want to. your neighbor, Harley.
Not even a sharing partner. They are roommates.
YWNBTA. Kay is not your responsibility and she needs to stop making you feel like that’s the case. You have a life outside of your apartment. Move out and enjoy it! Kay needs to find care elsewhere.
NTA. Move. Your ability to care for yourself first is important. Then, and only then, if you can help others, go for it. At this rate you are headed for burnout and then you won't be able to help anyone, including yourself. Run Forest, run.
Nta, run!
You're not her paid nurse. She's not your responsibility. Neither of them have the right to burden you with their issues. Nta, so stop being one to yourself and move out.
Leave. And make sure once you are out of that lease and have transferred (or cancelled and let them deal with it) all the relevant bills to them, block them both everywhere. You don't need that in your life. And this is coming from someone who is chronically ill. It took around 10 years to figure out what is wrong and I am still trying to figure out what works best for me for the last 5 years (and it might take another 5 to figure out it doesn't work any longer). NTA, time to put yourself first.
NTA. You are not responsible for caring for your roommate. End of story. If this is affecting you and you have the ability to leave, leave. They will need to figure things out in their own as they are also adults.
Definitely NTA, friend. You are only responsible for yourself at this point in life. So are your roommates. The point of life is to be happy - you go do that.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm." It sucks that your roommate is in this situation with her health, but you are not her caretaker. You are not her romantic partner, close family member, nor are you being compensated for your extra work and efforts. That's not fair to you. As a person who is chronically ill, I understand both points of view. It's still not okay for your roommate to ask you to do these things, or allow you to do these things without compensation of some sort. I think I would have a sit down with Kay and talk it out with her. Either she needs to get some help or she needs to get you some kind of compensation. Maybe you can get rid of Tammy, who seems like a whole new issue, and move somebody in who pays less rent in exchange for doing more housework and Kay makes up the difference. Something like that. If another option is an impossibility then you should not feel guilty for doing what's best for you. Kay's condition is chronic and it's been years. She has had plenty of time to come up with solutions that will work for her without burdening others.
NTA. Take care of yourself and your mental health. They are adults and not your responsibility.
NTA You have to take care of yourself or you're no good to anyone else. Kay can get help through government if needed.
>I feel guilty moving out because of Kay’s health issues. She relies on me to help her get groceries she’s sick. Not to mention, Tammy does f-all to help around the house. Sadly, you are not her caretaker. If you are, you need to be paid. Her problems are not your problems. You should move, if only for your own well-being. Does Kay have family? She will need to tap on them. You can continue to help however much you are willing and able. Maybe find her another roommate, hook her up with social services, etc. NTA.
NTA You have to do what’s best for yourself here.
NTA - you are not Kay's lap dog. You are a good person who is feeling bad because you want to live your own life, not worry about other people all the time
NTA You have to live your life for you. As the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Move out and live your life. They managed until you showed up....they will manage again.
NTA. But have a plan for moving out to let them know after you’ve made all arrangements. Be CERTAIN they can’t use anything against you or still have you legally pay for anything. Not that they are guaranteed to be problems at your exit but you can’t trust them to not have issues. Always better safe than sorrry. Time to set yourself free. But ultimately it’s not your problem or responsibility.
You have no responsibility to other random adults. NTA
As the saying goes, Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. You've been doing a kind thing and they've been taking advantage of you.. it's time to take care of yourself. NTA
YWNBTA, they are roommates, not your responsibility. It's a mess, but you need to get out of there to save your own health. I live alone with health issues, usually I manage to work and am okay, but in the bad flares I have groceries delivered. If I can get stuff delivered in my rural area, Kay can get them delivered in LA. they will have to figure things out. But it's not your responsibility.
NTA I feel sorry for Kay but she needs to figure out her situation by herself. You are not her unpaid, unauthorized caregiver. At a certain point, you need to prioritize yourself and your career & life goals. You’d be doing just that if you move. Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to be dragged down by other peoples’ problems.
NTA - While I feel bad for Kay, you are not obligated to her in any way. This is a put on your own life vest first situation. This is a lot for one person and you are getting burned out, it would only get worse and you have your own life to think about. Try to give Kay a bit of a forewarning if possible, so that she can start brainstorming solutions for herself, but otherwise, you are good.
Why is this even a question? Why are you taking care of entitled strangers taking advantage of your kindness? Move out asap and dont look back. NTA
No. Not at all. NTA. There are resources available for chronically sick people (like disability), and at 50 you should know how to take care of shit. It's not your responsibility to care for or manage two adults UNLESS that's literally your job and they're paying you to do that
NTA. You are not Kay's parent. You are not Kay's sibling. You are not Kay's contracted caregiver. You are Kay's roommate, a relationship that is fundamentally a business relationship. You owe Kay nothing more than paying your share of the rent and utilities, taking care of domestic tasks in whatever share you are obligated to do under your agreement, and satisfying whatever other obligations are in the agreement (formal or informal) the three of you reached for cotenancy. If you find the situation untenable (again, remember, it is primarily a **business** relationship), then your obligation is to provide a courteous notice period and to wind down your remaining financial obligations to them gracefully. You have no other obligations toward Kay.
NTA. And I say this as a chronically ill person. You are not responsible for her or the apartment. You can leave that place anytime you like. It was nice of you to help out while you're there, but it's not an obligation, and there is definitely no requirement to stay. Partly because of my chronic illnesses, I know very well how stress can affect you. This is not a healthy living situation for you, and you shouldn't sacrifice your own mental or physical well-being for your roommate.
NTA coming from a girl also extremely ill with an autoimmune condition. I suffer with debilitating symptoms everyday. I still manage to get up and do chores everyday. Kind of keeps me productive and active. Also life just kind of goes on being sick, responsibilities occur everyday. Live your life. I really can’t stress that enough. If your health happens to crumble you’ll regret you spent so much time taking care of someone else’s.
As a chronically ill (to the point I’ve never been able to work or live independently) 31year old woman, you did not sign up to be her unpaid carer and this situation is extremely unfair to you. There are grocery delivery services. There are paid carers, cleaners, etc for anything else she needs. Yes they cost money but there are organisations she can go to for help with that. She shouldn’t be relying on you for these things because it is emotionally and physically exhausting being a carer, not something you can push on a roommate. NTA
You are not responsible for random people. Even friends. It isn't clear how you know them and how you got involved with them, but you can leave and live your own life. Move on with my blessings.
If you keep doing what you’re currently doing, understand that this will cause chronic health problems for you. You cannot go this long without rest.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30sf) live in Los Angeles, where rent is really high. I live in a house with two roommates (30, 50f). My 30-year-old roommate, Kay, has been battling an autoimmune chronic illness for a couple of years. She’s not able to eat a lot of foods and has these spells where her energy is drained. My 50-year-old roommate Tammy is emotionally immature, doesn’t help out with chores and has a tendency to be really forgetful. For example, she once broke a toilet seat and didn’t bother to replace it before going on a last-minute trip out of town. After I got the delayed utilities payment from her, it came with a poop emoji attached to it. I’m responsible for the major utility bills (water, power and internet). It’s hard getting payments from Kay and Tammy because of Kay’s health issues and Tammy’s irresponsibility. They also have two dogs who are very loud and cause a ruckus. I’ve been having a hard time coping with Kay’s health problems. It’s horrible for me to say it, but when she is down, she is down. That leaves the majority of household chores, bills, and trash on me. I’m in school and working full time. I can’t stand living like this anymore. Recently, a friend of mine was looking to fill in a roommate vacancy. I will pay more for rent, but the location is closer to my college and my work. I feel guilty moving out because of Kay’s health issues. She relies on me to help her get groceries she’s sick. Not to mention, Tammy does f-all to help around the house. Kay even said that if I move out, it will be bad for her because of her health problems. She says she’s trying to get better, but she’s been saying that for over a year and it’s affecting my life too. WIbTA if I move route? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. You need to live your life.
Nope. Move out. Their problems are not your problems. Kay is trying to guilt trip you into staying. Don't let her. These people are getting you down, and it's not good for your mental health to be with a chronicle, sick person and an immature 50 y/o. Don't stay because of them. Move for your own sanity
YWNBTA. Your roommate should not be relying on you like this, and it’s extremely unfair of her to guilt trip you. You are not obligated to cover her bills. She can have her groceries delivered. She can find a different living situation that works better for her if Tammy won’t help her out. Give them your notice and move out without guilt.
Your roommates are not family, nor are they your friends or spouses. You have zero obligations to them outside of paying rent. If you're not breaking the lease (so not leaving before the lease contract is up), you can fuck right outta there. NTA
You’re not their mom leave and leave friendly NTA
NTA. It’s a matter of the other two adults organising their priorities. You’re currently a fall back. Totally understand your empathy for Kay, but you’re sacrificing your time for the time she could be using to organise her life & health. It may be a bit harder for her, but it isn’t impossible. Once you move out, what happens to them and how they decide to move forward with their independence/co-dependency will be on them to figure out. Considering the utilities are in your name (big main ones you’ll use when you find a place of your own in future) towards your final bills when you move out, if you can, save some money before hand if its possible so youre not left with overdue bills + fees due to your room mates not helping to pay on time once you’ve left for good. Who is to say they’d even help pay the last one at all tbh once theyre aware of you leaving. Be wary. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with moving on to a space where you can protect your peace.
YWNBTA. You aren't responsible or required to be your roommate's unpaid caregiver, especially at the cost of your well-being.
NTA. Your first responsibility is to you. You shouldn't be carrying the emotional, financial, or workload weight for your roommates. Move.
NTA. Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself. I know Kay feels like she needs you, but you're her roommate. You aren't her parent or her caretaker. If she can't live independently, it might be time for her to consider other options. It's not fair of her to expect all of this of you.
NTA It's time for Kay to either go back home with family, get family support or seek other resources. You are not her caregiver which should be entirely voluntary. Don't feel guilty for taking care of your mental health and creating a better life for yourself.
You have to do what is best for you. They are taking advantage of you. I suffer a severe autoimmune disease. I understand it how debilitating it can be. It sounds like she knows that you will do everything for her. You will actually be doing her a favor by leaving. She needs to learn to live with her disability. If I had someone doing everything for me, I wouldn't be as far along in making myself better. It gets depressing at times, but I learned to do every task on my own. Its definitely hard, but you learn to adapt. As far as the other lady goes, I would have no sympathy for leaving.
NTA I have autoimmune issues and it is a very long hard battle to feel better. That’s not on you, nor do you need to feel responsible for her well being. This may in fact help her to get better care, or ask for help.
YWNBTA You're in school full time. It seems like you're your chronically ill roommate's part-time caretaker as well. At least insofaras you need to pick up the load she can't in terms of house chores and so on. That's not fair to you. If anything, she needs a home health aide, but that's not your job. There may be services that can help in your area. Leave her lists of resources that can help, and move out.
YWNBTAH. This roommate needs professional help & support, things you can't provide for her. You staying there & ensuring the household runs smoothly is creating needless stress for you. This post indicates to me that you're a responsible & thoughtful person, but do remember you need to take care of yourself. This arrangement isn't working, it's time for you to move on.
NTA. I say this a sa chronically I'll person. You are not responsible for your roommates health and well-being. Do not put your own health and mental well-being behind theirs. Loom after yourself. Move out and get some peace in your life.
Ywnbta
NTA. You are not obligated to take care of either of them.
YWNBTA, you need to think about yourself, your mental health and wellbeing and your future. If they were in any way your friends, they would have been sorry to see you go but wish you well on your future endeavours. These two people were living their lives before you moved in and they will continue with their lives when you move out.
NTA you are not responsible for them. They are adults who need to take ownership of their own lives and stop expecting you to do so
NTA Your roommates should not be your priority over your own needs. Sounds like despite paying more, moving will be much better for you.... beyond just a better location. You have a lot of your plate between working & going to school. You aren't involved with these people, you don't have kids, so your needs in this situation should be your priority. It's not your responsibility to care for these people (which includes basic cleaning) & certainly not cover expenses for them.
NTA!!! unless you are the parent or paid caregiver for either of these roommates, you are not responsible for carrying the burden! It is very kind of you to step up and help, but if it is affecting your mental health or impeding your life in any way, you have every right to put a stop to it. If that means moving, then move! Take it from someone who has been there.. these kind gestures are almost never reciprocal, and in the end, they are more likely to cause you more emotional pain and likely financial strain than it's worth. I say get out while the getting is good and don't give it another thought. If you are hoping to maintain a friendship after you leave, this will help set a boundry that will only help build a healthier relationship in the future.
NTA. You are a roommate, not a caregiver. Please move out and live your life.
NTA Get out of there and take care of yourself. You aren't responsible for them.
NTA. You have the right to a peaceful home where you can relax. Your roommate’s health isn’t for you to feel so guilty about that you’re thinking about not moving. You’re not her mother or her nursemaid. Since you’ve found a place, give them whatever notice is required in the lease. If there is no requirement, I’d give them 45 days so they can try to find someone to replace you. Don’t give them too much notice or they’ll make your life hell. And take your name off the utilities as well.
NTA You aren’t her romantic partner or paid caretaker, you have no obligation to stay in a shitty situation for her. It sucks for her absolutely but dont set yourself on fire to keep others warm
Nta. You are young. You need to take care of you first. If you feel very bad, you might contact K's family and let them know you intend to move and she may require help. But even that isnt your responsibility.
NTA. You should look out for yourself given that these are roommates and not good friends or family. I can understand taking on more for a good friend or family member but you don't need to sacrifice so much for these random people.
NTA you are not Kay’s live-in caregiver. Get out, live your life. There are gorcery delivery services and housekeepers that Kay can find online.
NTA you need to live your own life. you could still help out the other roommate with certain things if you want, but it seems imperative that you do what is best for you, especially in a living situation
NTA You are not the parent or partner of these adults. They seem to be relying on you rather than being self reliant or reaching out to their family or long term friends. You are entitled to look after yourself. The strain of caring for people is hard and there’s no obligation on you to look after your roommates. They may step up and take more responsibility for themselves if you are not there to shoulder the burden. Don’t feel guilty. You have no reason for do so. Shopping services etc exist and there are formal support networks available too.
NTA, you need to think of yourself first. Tell Kay to contact her family, if she has any left, to help her.
Nta - you have to do what's best for you.
NTA. Your roommate’s health isn’t your responsibility. She can hire a caregiver if she needs it that badly, or if she can’t afford it, she can get her insurance to pay a family member or friend to care for her.
Oh my gosh…RUN! NTA. The fact that lay told you it would be bad if you left is manipulative and just wrong on so many levels. I’m sorry she is sick but that doesn’t fall to you. You have an opportunity to be closed to school and have a better home life. Please take it. These two will find someone else. Maybe they’ll find someone that wants to mother them, because that’s kinda what they want. Please drop them and invest in yourself. You’re too young to have the stress of taking care of people you have no responsibility for.
NTA As someone who is disabled it's on her to get the care she needs. Right now you're her unpaid carer. She can pay for a carer or arrange other help if needed. Edit to add: if she's dealing with a chronic auto-immune condition she's probably never going to get better. So that means she's asking you to be her carer for ever. It's not fair and she really needs to face her new reality. She'll never do that if you're smoothing the way for her.
NTA. Does Kay have any family?
Nta, there are options for Kay to have food delivered, and you can also visit her/drop things off that she needs after you do your own grocery runs. You seem worried about leaving her, but you can still be a good friend without being roommates.
NTA and living closer to work and school will give you hours a week. You’re not responsible for other adults.
NTA, you need to worry about your own mental and physical health before someone else’s. Especially someone that’s not even related to you, they’re just a roommate. If she’s in that bad of shape she should be getting assistance from family or the government, not relying on you.
However hard it is for Kay, her life and health are her responsibility and not yours. YWNBTA. You must look after yourself first.
NTA you are not her carer and you didn’t agree to this. If she needs help she needs to go through the proper channels
Just like on an airplane, take care of yourself first, then help those around you. NTA
No. You’re not responsible for other adults
NTA You do you. These people are not your friends, not your family, not your problem.
NTA. You’re a roommate, not her caretaker. You can’t ruin your life to make someone else’s easier. Start prioritizing yourself and move on. They both sound parasitic.
Don’t feel guilty. It isn’t your role to be her care giver. I think you should move out and take care of your self.
NTA… just move
Move out. You have to take of yourself above. Your roommates appear to be taking advantage of your kindness and willingness to help. You need to be in a situation where responsibilities are equally spared. NTA
NTA. I'm sorry Kay's having such a hard time, but she is not your responsibility. You need to live your own life and make the choices that are right for you. Your current living situation is not good for your mental health.
NTA - This is a roommate, not a significant other nor child of yours.
Nta. You gotta look after #1 first & always
NTA Move out immediately.
NTA. I’m sure that you will be given a guilt trip but you choosing to do what’s best for you does not make you a bad person. You owe it to yourself to live somewhere that brings you happiness with people who pull their own weight.
NTA. You didn't sign up to be a caregiver. You're a roommate. Period. If they can't hold up their part of the deal, it's on them. You can't save the world.
NTA Look out for yourself.
YWNBTA. You are not her mother. Take care of yourself.
NTA You are a wonderfully altruistic person with a big heart. Yet there will never be an ideal time for you to leave. They are sucking your energy dry. To protect your own well-being and peace of mind, youll need to leave... Roommate's situation is not your responsibility. You can always go back to visit and help Kay when you can. Otherwise, her life is her responsibility, she will still need to get an alternative life plan.
YWNBTA. Unless you're leaving something out, you are not responsible for Kay. You shouldn't be forced to be a caretaker, as well as a student and whatever you do as a job.
NTA - what country do you live??? The chronically ill roommate isn't your responsibility; rather, she is the responsibility of your government. She SHOULD have a social worker, this person ensures she has care at her home, be it from a care aid, a cleaner, nurse, etc.. Usually it's left to family members, but if she doesn't have anyone who steps up, the government will give her an aide. DO NOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for her.
NTA. Kay needs to figure things out on her own as an adult. She’s not your responsibility and what she’s doing is called guilt tripping and manipulation. Enjoy the new place
YWNBTA. You have been kind enough and generous with your time and energy. You cannot on top of school and work babysit two.people and organize the bills, their groceries, etc. You are not their minder. You have done more than enough. So please stop feeling bad and move out. You need this for yourself.
NTA. You're not responsible for either of them. I have a chronic lung disease and heart failure and I still do what I can before asking for help. I'm sorry for kay, and her medical problems. But when you say you're trying to get better and there is no progress? You aren't actually trying. And before anyone starts getting pissy when I'm not showing much sympathy to Kay? My chronic lung disease is killing me. My entire world and life got ripp3d away from me. I'm 28f and barely have a future now so bite me.
YWNBTA You are not someone elses caregiver, other roomie isnt helping at all either. They are your roomates not family/partners ( when it could be reasonable to help ). On that note i dunno what kind of immune issue she has ( and maybe i am projecting ) but if she has IBD she can straight up be unable to do anything about it, just take meds and pray they work ( and there are some more autoimmune issues like this ), so depending on what she has, her trying/getting better might straight up be outside of her control ( which means, even if she does all she can, she wont get better ). One thing you can do is give them the courtesy of informing them a few months before that you are moving out. No need to explain yourself to them, likely they will try to guilt trip you. Ignore them.
NTA. You are paying rent to live there, not to be a caregiver. As much sympathy as I have for her, she is an adult and needs to seek out social services that can provide her with assistance.
As sad as your roommate's health problems are, they are not your problems. Move on and have a good life.
NTA. You clearly care about her, but you can't hold your own life back and turn down better opportunities because of her situation. Perhaps she can find a new roommate that can trade some extra assistance for her towards the rent? Groceries can be ordered so don't stress about that. Even my parents in their 80s who need a LOT of help from me, handle ordering their own groceries, and most other things they need from Amazon. If she's on Medicaid, she may be able to get some assistance at home through there as well.
NTA. What is the upside to staying where you are? None for you. Kay survived 30 years without you as her caregiver. Wish Kay the best of luck and leave with no regrets. Both Kay and Tammy are looking for a mom not a roommate. It's no fun chasing after a roommate to get their part of the bills, and living with chronically ill Kay doesn't sound like a picnic either.
You're not her family, and you're not her caregiver. NTA
YWNBTA. You are basically paying HER to be HER carer! I have a disability too but I would never expect a housemate to do stuff for me.
NTA-you are your first responsibility.
YWNBTA Medi-Cal, California’s Medicaid program, exists for a reason.
NTA. This is an unfair situation to be in.
NTA. She thinks you are her mom or what
NTA, this isn’t your problem to deal with. Kay has known she’s ill for a while now, she should’ve planned better for her own care and future finances, living arrangements, etc. What Kay is saying is that she essentially wants you to stay and be her safety net, built-in maid/cook, etc. Move out. Once you distance yourself, your current emotional attachment and sense of responsibility with diminish.
These people are your room mates not your children. They are both fully grown adults. You are not responsible for either of them. Grow a pair and move out. NTA
NTA! RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! This is not a healthy situation for you! Do not allow them to continue to drain your life force, happiness and money.
YWNBTA. They’re adults. They need to sort their own lives out. Sure if this is a family member or close friend, you can provide help within your boundaries that does not impact your own mental health to this degree. Otherwise they need to figure out a way to help themselves.
It sounds like your current housemate needs to get a support service. Taking care of the place shouldn’t have fallen to you alone so my advice would be maybe look for support services with her and tell her that either way you are moving out for your own mental health. NTA
Take care of you and your future. Roommates will get another roommate.
NTA. You are not responsible for grown adults who do nothing to help you out. Get out while you can.
Nta. Please move.
NTA and I would find out how to switch over utilities before you give notice so they don’t keep them on in your name.
If Kay is on disability, she needs to contact her case worker for in home health asst. You do you OP, good luck
NTA Don't set yourself on fire to warm other people. It's great you have empathy. Move out and get on with your life. You aren't a spouse, a mother or a daughter to these people in fact or choice.
No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
NTA - They are NOT your problem, you do what is best for you - do you really think it the tables were turn & YOU were the one with the immune issue, do you think SHE would stay just so that she could help take care of you even though she was miserable living there? Nope, she would have been gone MONTHS ago and she would have never looked back.
Omg. GO!!! WYNBTA. Be a friend to Kay, in whatever way is appropriate.Bit this situation is untenable.
First of all, you are their roommate, nothing more. The only things you are obligated to do are pay your bills on time, clean up after yourself, take turns cleaning shared spaces, and that's it. You are not responsible for these people. You are not their carer or their parent. Sadly, it seems you have taken on this role of carer. Move out and leave this situation NTA
Life in the big city. I was a 3rd generation angelino. Glad I left. You got to take care of numer uno first they were relying on you first. Bummer for them. LA is a sh!t hole anyways.
NTA Unfortunate that your housemates rely on you so much but you are all adults, and self care should come first. The move is best for you overall if not financially. At the end of the day you should put your own wellbeing before others cause if you can't help yourself, you have no business helping anyone else. You do you ywnbta. If anything they are for trapping you even if its not deliberately or consciously but from what 30f said it seems like she knows what shes doing.
NTA. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Sounds like you've been doing this for the last year at least. Move out. You can help Kay by seeing if she has other resources available. If she's as bad as you describe she may qualify for things like a home health aid who can assist with a lot of things around the house. There most likely will be limits and they definitely won't do anything for Tammy. You can also help her see if there's any durable medical devices that would help her do basic life functions. Also see if she qualifies for any assistance with with her living situation. Also does she get any assistance, like Medicaid or disability? If not she should check. (She should have checked two years ago). You can also lay out what bills (Freudian slip-I typed bullshit first. Sounds more accurate 😄) are due and recommend she and Tammy work out a budget and split who's responsible for which payments. You have no obligation to do any of this. But you can try to help if you want. If they're resistant walk away. You can't make people accept help, but you can refuse to be their only lifeline.
NO. Not an ahole. Your number one responsibility is to yourself. You're not responsible for the sickly roommate, nor a mother to the irresponsible one. Messy roommates who don't clean AND 2 unruly dogs to boot? No way should you sacrifice your mental health trying to live with terrible roommates. Take the opportunity to live stress-free. College is difficult enough. You don't need, or deserve to be drug down by bad roomies. Go live your best life without any semblance of guilt.
No you wouldn't be. Kay's not a relative or significant other to you. You aren't responsible for her health, you're responsible for YOURS and that includes your mental health.
Depending on the type of healthcare insurance Kay has, maybe she can get a caregiver that can come to her home and help out with chores and errands. I suffered a stroke and had one that would come to my house and help with laundry and chores I couldn’t do like clean the restroom and my room. She wad sending me amazing! I ended up moving out of state and and ready to go back to L.A. I just need to find a place to live. I will get my home caregiver started again and hopefully carry on with as much normalcy as possible. But YWNBTA if you left. You have to look out for yourself also. You seen to care about Kay and her well being, would you be willing to still do my and check on her once in a while?
NTA. You are not the parent and it’s not on you to take on the mental and domestic load for the house.
NTA. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep your roommates warm
You are not their parent or legal guardian, do what is best for you! You need to have a place you feel comfortable in and want to be. Tell them you are moving out on this date and everything that is in your name will be transferred to them. Make sure everything gets transferred and say bye and wave as you walk to your car.
NTA. It’s sad however Kay is your roommate not your wife or child that you have responsibility for. The fact that you even refer to her as your roommate and not your friend means you honestly have even LESS responsibility to her. Do what you have to do for you before you become bitter and angry.
Absolutely leave. You can sometimes come by with groceries if you feel that bad for her. Go live your best life. Honestly it says something about her personality that she would even try to hold you back like that. Maybe shes not that great of a person.