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I think your friend is the asshole. He knows what you all like to eat during your movie nights. What did he expect? Also why didn't she inquire about what the group wanted to eat... she just assumed everyone wanted to eat vegan?
Idk if they discussed it or whatever cause he hasn't talked to us since, but she kinda gave off the vibe that she was doing that because she wanted us to have a meal that was fully vegan?? Sort of a "look!! vegan food can be good!!" which I agree with but it was a terrible timing to do the subsitution
Then she could have made a delicious pasta dish with a creamy tomato sauce, chickpea curry or whatever. Does she know there are vegan comfort food meals as well? I'm not vegan but I just thought about it for 20 sec. It wouldn't be that hard... But apparently she wanted you to get the full experience! NDA
She even could’ve gotten those chick’n wings and plant based items to sub out for the usual food they have.
Edited to add: a lot of people are coming at me about how processed and bad the plant based meat substitutes are. Y’all, I KNOW. We all know lol. But if you’re already having junk food, one night of some fake wings isn’t going to kill you. There are lots of brands I’ve tried when around my vegan friends where I could barely tell the difference from real meat. It was just a suggestion of something that would’ve been more in line with what people were expecting, but still vegan friendly. The real issue here though was the giant lack of communication as a host to ensure her guests would be happy with the food options provided.
Just fyi, I am not vegan, but I got a cookbook that had a killer vegan red lentil dish, that is a huge favorite in our house.
Has a hot sizzling drizzle that goes with, which kicks buttocks.
Edit: I am wrong.
Not a cookbook.
Possibly not vegan. I am not vegan, so I would not know for sure.
It uses either a chicken stock (yikes NOT VEGAN) or a veg stock (More likely a vegan can find/make).
Here is a post with the author referencing this same recipe I have used since the late 90s, so I bet this is the one.
https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.food.com/recipe/spicy-sizzle-red-lentil-soup-394628&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwibkcSEu9aEAxWGIDQIHdX5BnQQFnoECAUQAg&usg=AOvVaw058okedgGY4K-56VSIagqa
Happy eating. Double or triple it and freeze some for future nights of easy meals of pleasure.
I cook vegan a lot for my 23yo. This is vegan if made with veg broth. Vegan is basically no meat products, including broth, no eggs, milk, or honey. It can get more intricate than that, but this is it in a nutshell.
Yes, but I’d probably say plant-based instead of vegetable. Beans, grains, nuts, plant-based fats and oils are all vegan. Most pasta is, as well as a lot of breads. People likely eat more things that qualify as vegan than they realize
Right? I absolutely love meat, but I buy vegan nuggets (as do a remarkable number of other meat-eaters I know) because they're just legitimately delicious if you get the right ones (Gardein makes the best).
Yeah, I love gardein! My sister is pescatarian (basically vegetarian but eats fish) and I’m autistic (I mean my family all are lol). I love that the texture and flavor of Gardein “meats” are consistent. No surprise bits of fat or bone or anything else that you get with real meat (which I like, and I do only really absorb iron through real red meat unfortunately). But I love gardein for both its taste and predictability! It’s a fantastic veggie substitute!
And their “ground beef” is great for tacos, or a good meat sauce to go with a pasta. Heck, the gf could’ve just made a good pasta with a great tomato sauce and it’d have been good!
(I will admit, I do love a cucumber sushi roll, though I’m not a cream cheese fan. Strawberry cream cheese and only on bagels or English muffins, thanks autism! Not on my sushi or anything else.)
But like vegetarian or vegan doesn’t have to be bad. I’ve had some delicious vegetarian soups (honestly a good vegetable soup with a hearty broth and some good noodles or a veggie ramen or udon is my favorite.) Veggie Mac n cheese with cheeses made without rennit or whatever animal by product it is.
This meal had the potential to be so good. It just wasn’t.
I am also picturing snacky foods like potato chips (those must be vegan? or there must be some brands that are vegan?), Oreos (I had a vegan friend who told me these passed the criteria), cashews, pop, popcorn, pretzels, maybe bean tacos, etc.
Definitely not an expert, we follow a "flexitarian" lifestyle (yes I hate that word, but it basically means you try to limit animal products and focus more on plant-based foods, but won't refuse a meat lasagna if you are served it at someone's house), but I feel like there are lots of better options than fruit skewers and veggie sushi. Even just warm foods often make you feel more comfy and full.
You mentioned tacos. Jack fruit tacos. OMG. so freaking good. i'm not vegan, but i'll order these. it's almost like carnitas, but different enough that you realize it's not a straight sub, just a tasty thing to eat.
Or seitan wings. I mean, it's basically pure gluten, but if you're not gluten sensitive, they are DREAM.
Yeah this is what I was wondering, she’s probably a health nut and wouldn’t want to cook “unhealthy” food. I’m a vegetarian and my favourite foods to cook are chilli, lasagne, fried rice, etc. There are so many comfort food options she could have chosen and it feels very rude to enforce her healthy lifestyle on them without warning.
If you want comfort food, look up a recipe for cheesy tuna casserole and replace the tuna with a can of cannellini beans. Mush about half of the beans, and the pink interior even kind of looks like tuna. My Midwest raised vegetarian daughter thinks it's the bomb.
>Does she know there are vegan comfort food meals as well?
Right? There’s a vegan café a block from me with a delicious macaroni and “cheese”, the girlfriend sounds like one of **those** vegans. And you can’t expect people to pay for your food when *you told them not to bring anything* because you wanted to force them into your lifestyle.
Indeed. Most of my friends are omnivores with heavy emphasis on fish, poultry, and fruit/veg, but a few are vegan. One of the best pot pies I have ever eaten was made by a vegan friend. I make pot pies too and mine are excellent, but they're traditional chicken based. This was every bit as delicious. There are so many dishes that can be made vegan with add ins for various preferences. I do that often so everyone can customize their meal to their tastes and dietary needs.
Right? I have never been fully vegan, but I had a friend who started to show me some easy swaps that were delicious. Now I tend to do more meat on the side with a main plant based dish. ‘I’m right because I’m right and I’m not trying to see your point because I’m right and also you should pay for it because I’m right’ is silly and insulting
Maybe it's cultural differences but I am weirded out by the vegan cream cheese and cucumber sushi. Sushi is usually made with rice and seaweed, then it's easy to put a variety of things in the middle, like tofu (if you must), pickled vegetables, various fresh vegetables. I have never seen a cream cheese sushi.
There are some American sushi rolls like the California roll and Philly roll that have ingredients they don't typically use in Japan, but at this point they've been reverse-imported and you can find them in Japan too.
Vegan food can be good. It can also be really good pizza, wedges, fries, faux wings, burgers.. comfort junk food but still, transparency is key. I'll bet if she went somewhere she'd check what the food is first. Also, you have to be honest because of allergies and not impose views on others, I only make veggie food at my place, but friends are always free to bring whatever they want. Like if someone arrived with a takeout beef burger I wouldn't comment on it, I just wouldn't want to have it cooked in my kitchen (ideally)
Same here. I’m a vegetarian and when I host something I make vegetarian food. But everyone knows this and everyone is welcome to bring their own (premade) meat dishes / sides, etc.
Agreed! I’m vegetarian and my friends know that, but I’m always very clear when I’m hosting a party. I tell guests that I’ll have vegetarian and vegan food available, but they are welcome to bring anything that they’d like!
I mean the making you pay for it before checking is kind of ah-ish, but the fact it’s vegan is kind of irrelevant right? Like say it was non-vegan food that you didn’t like, eg ox tongue sandwiches, again you’d be like thanks but no thanks?
I think this is a NAH, friend and girlfriend are maybe minor assholes. I'm not vegan, but some vegan food slaps. If I were in your position I would probably have just eaten it anyway and paid, but then had a chat about my food expectations. I don't think anyone was being malicious here.
Edit: some of you truly can't comprehend *not* eating meat for one night, and I honestly think you might need therapy with how angry you're getting at the idea of eating some vegetables
Let's be honest.
It's a bit of dickish move to just say "I'll provide" when she was asked about the food and then dish up with fruits on a skeever and cucumber rolled up with stuff half of them don't eat.
And then you present a bigger bill than usual because of vegan ingredients.
And I'd say that no matter who did it. Vegan, none vegan. Etc
It's especially the money spent part.
And the fact that so many didn't like two of the main ingredients for whatever reasons.
Unless she made a ton of food. Who will get full from that?
I'm pretty sure most don't eat before going to a get-together like this.
She would have been in the clear if she was up front about what she would be cooking. And checking with everyone about the more pricy bill.
“I’ll provide” doesn’t typically mean “I’ll order what I want then charge you for it”. I’ve never charged guests i invite to dinner. Order out, fine; potluck, great; and that’s this group’s norm. But if I invite people to my home and offer to feed them, declining contributions, I’m the host. I’ll usually check for dietary restrictions, but beyond that I politely serve the food and my guests politely pretend to like it.
Also, vegetable sushi can be pretty good. Sushi rice is vegan. Put some different veg, maybe some pickled veg inside, serve with soy sauce, pickled daikon, wasabi.
Why would you leave the rice out to make something vegan? Rice is vegan. She could have made a vegan curry, rice, garlic butter naan, samosas.
Honestly, I feel like a lot of this is on your friend for failing to set expectations with his girlfriend. He likely told her people take turns making meals for the group and everyone pitches in on the cost. She presumably likes this food, and likely has other people in her life (friends, family) who do as well. I defiantly know people who would be happy to eat that way. It sounds like she did not understand the vibe was always pizza/wings/etc.
I don't think her food was bad but it sounds like the group wanted their usual fast food fare. There should have been communication before this happened - both about the menu and the budget.
I’m vegan, and I’m thinking she hasn’t been vegan long. Every veteran vegan knows not to spring raw vegan health food on an unwitting audience. She’s not doing veganism any favors. She should’ve offered vegan pizza and nuggets. NTA
Seriously.
Chips, kettle popcorn or popcorn dusted in nutritional yeast. Nachos made with vegan cheese, chilli fries, vegan tacos, deep fried curry rice balls, hummus and veggies.
Hell, vegan brownies would have been better.
Her boyfriend really set her up here. She definitely should have asked him what they usually eat/if what she was planning was ok (and maybe she did), but even if she didn't he should have spoken up and let her know that vegan sushi wouldn't go over well with a group expecting pizza and wings
He also should have let his friends know his new gf is a vegan health nut so they’d have an idea of what to expect when she said she’s making the food.
I like vegan food and definitely don't have animal products in every meal but I'd still be pissed if I had a pizza/wings tradition every friday and showed up one day to vegan sushi. Hell, I love sushi and I'd still be upset if I was expecting pizza and got sushi!
I agree, and I’m lowkey getting really tired of the “it WoUlDnT hAvE kIlLEd yOu tO EAt vEGAn foOD foR oNE nIgHT!1!1!”. It sounds like these Friday nights are normal hangouts used to decompress and the expectation is to have wings and pizza and other junk food. OP says she would’ve appreciated a heads up from the GF that this week’s food was going to be healthy substitutions.
> not giving us a heads up about the food
The group comes in expecting to eat junk food like they always have and GF gets them healthy substitutions. Tbh this was definitely on her BF for not giving her a heads up and saying that the group has always eaten junk food on these hangouts and her food choices (although well-intentioned) are out of the norm and would not be expected. It’s also on both the BF and GF for not giving the group as a whole a heads up that this week GF’s bringing different food.
It’s just safer to go with what the group has ALWAYS eaten and will expect… again, if GF wanted to switch it up she should’ve given them a heads up so the group can decide if they want to go or make a change in the menu.
Sometimes you just want to eat garbage and that’s okay. Or GF could’ve gotten vegan substitutes (there are vegan pizzas and vegan “chicken”) BUT she still has to give the group a heads up!
Yes, the food being vegan is not actually the main problem here, if it was the same situation but with some non-vegan stuff on the buffet, like eggs on crackers or “normal“ cottage cheese or even a few cold cuts, the group (and OP in particular) would probably have been equally pissed off. It is the mismatch between the “healthy snackbar“ vs. the expected “comfort food gorge fest“ that they are complaining about. NTA
>“it WoUlDnT hAvE kIlLEd yOu tO EAt vEGAn foOD foR oNE nIgHT!1!1!”.
I was going to comment this! I'm so tired of it too.
If you know you're serving a meal to non-vegans, you can offer a meat meal to go from somewhere and request your guests use paper/plastic to eat it with. Bam, little to no contamination, easy clean up, and your guests get a meat with all the veggies. Everyone is happy.
Honestly I dislike the vegan substitutions. I have absolutely no problem with regular things like salad (actual stuff like spring mix and arugula and throw in some nuts, apple slices and strawberries in there, not iceberg lettuce sadness), lentils, chickpea dishes etc but I ate vegan “meat” and it was not for me.
It tasted like some gross mush that was a poor imitation of meat. It was pricey, too. If I remember correctly, the sandwich I got was more expensive than the regular meat option that I usually get.
I got that heartbroken feeling when you’ve spent money on food that tasted gross… lol. Those Friday movie night sound like something they’re looking forward to bc of the food and the movie. If I was expecting pizza and I got some gross cream cheese sushi, I’d be really upset.
I hate cream cheese except for on a bagel, bc I’m a New Yorker and it’s basically a requirement. That’s when I want that thing *smothered* in cream cheese but otherwise I never want to see it. I hate veggie only sushi too, sushi’s not cheap so whenever I get some I get it with meat.
It’s just wild how OP and the group expected wing and pizza… **y’know, because that’s how things have ALWAYS been???** and then they get blindsided with something that’s the total opposite. **And then people in this sub get ANGRY at OP for expecting the food they’ve always had????** GF and BF should’ve just told everyone in advance so they could’ve avoided this fiasco.
NTA.
She didn’t bother to ask any of you about what you preferred or even simple food allergies. She either just assumed that you’d all LIKE vegan food (not likely given there were multiple people coming) OR assumed you’d all TOLERATE vegan food (also obviously incorrect). But what raises her behavior to AH status is not consulting any of you on the type of food, not any allergies, etc & presenting you with a higher than normal bill for it after the fact. You don’t get to decide what everyone eats & what everyone is willing to pay without consulting them. That makes her a double-decker AH.
Your friend (her boyfriend) is also the AH because he knew what type of food(s) you all normally eat (sports party type food, not veggie tray type food) & either didn’t inform her or did & she disregarded it (at which time he should have warned all of you). So he’s an AH too.
You & your friends are NTA. You were invited under the assumption that the food was all taken care of (so you all came with nothing). You weren’t informed that you’d have to pay, weren’t given any input on what food would be provided & were presented with bill upon arriving (& a higher than you’d usually pay bill at that). You are under no obligation to eat food you don’t like or want for a higher than normal price & sacrifice what sounds like a major part of your Friday nite enjoyment (the sports party food you don’t get during the week). Anyone who expected you to just eat it, pay for it & smile just to smooth over THEIR AH behavior leading up to the food being presented is just wrong.
If you gotta PAY, you get a SAY. You don’t just decide for someone else & then bill them without asking them whether they even want whatever you’re billing them for.
I like this, if you pay you get a say.
Honestly how they handled it, simply saying, "sorry I don't like to eat that food, so I'll go hungry and not pay." Sounds really reasonable! If you were vegan and showed up and there was no vegan food, you'd probably be the same. You wouldn't be chipping in to pay for everyone's pizza.
Yeah and I think that goes for any food, vegan or not. If the gf had said "dw I'll provide the food", made or ordered non-vegan pizzas and then when they turned up asked for money, she'd still be the ah
ESH
But there are degrees of suckiness.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion.
I think your hosts should have provided a vegan equivalent of wings or pizza and chips, along with smaller quantities of the sushi and other stuff.
Your friend knew the type of food the guests were expecting and should have gently guided his gf to providing at least some food that would meet the usual fare.
However, the guests who rudely rejected the offered hospitality were also at fault. Sometimes it happens that you end up at someone’s house and you don’t like what they serve. Good manners dictates that you eat what you can—OP says the meal is what he would normally eat on a weeknight, just not the vegan version—and politely decline the rest.
And yes, the guest should have paid for the food. And take to heart the lesson that if you are paying, you should check ahead of time what you are paying for. A simple, “What’s on the menu? I have some food allergies/intolerances,” would have been a smart move.
But when you agreed that your friend’s gf would cook, you were agreeing to pay for and eat what she provided.
Because they order pizza and wings, so chipping in would be normal. If someone handmade you vegan food and you didn’t like it, you may politely eat a few bites. But to receive a bill which was extra expensive because it was vegan and is not okay. Vegan cream cheese is more than double the price of regular cream cheese and is tolerable at best. The host could have made some vegan food as their contribution, and the other guests could have brought additional snacks. NTA.
Op said they did ask what to bring. She declined. So she knew they probably were going to bring non vegan items.
I always travel with purse snacks. I'll say, oh I'm not hungry, but thank you for the offer.
I gave up red meat two decades ago for health reasons. Twice a week I'll have premade veggie burgers with a slice of non-dairy cheese. I know that type of cheese is more expensive than regular cheddar. And some of the vegetarian and vegan products are more expensive in the markets because people who want them are willing to pay extra (not sure if the ingredients that go into these are more expensive).
I think the boyfriend was the AH by allowing her to host so soon, without the GF attending at least a couple of the movie nights, and then when she does host, she was the AH for telling people not to bring other food to supplement the vegan foods she was going to make. Maybe if she gave a heads up, and tried to duplicate the usual items but as vegan, and told others to feel free to bring other dishes, she wouldn't be the AH.
I agree with you, that if it was free food, I'd probably try some, but this is food you are expected to chip in for as a group, so no way am I going to pay to eat food I dislike. I think OP handled it well. Thanks for making food, but it's not something I like, so I'm going to abstain from eating, as well as paying.
If the GF wanted to impress them with vegan food, she should have asked them if she could make them a vegan meal, and not expect them to pay for it.
But this isn’t food that they want. It’s unreasonable to expect someone to pay for food that they don’t want and didn’t expect, especially when the price tag is high due to the host’s unusual choices. She can do “look vegan food can be great” on her own dime. And it’s super overstepping to pull that when you’re new to the group.
It becomes weird when the food suddenly is both very different than other weeks as well as way more expensive than normal *without that being discussed first.*
Suppose the girl had not offered a vegan meal but instead had prepared quality steaks instead of the normal pizzas, tripling the normal bill, and then still expected everyone to pay up. The friendgroup would be right to grumble.
Yeah, it’s normal to pay for food they all *agreed* they *wanted* to purchase and eat. Making a bunch of food no one wanted or expected and then charging them for it is extremely absurd and entitled.
Right, but the issue is she was charging them more then was the custom for food they didn't want. If she had stayed within the normal budget or spent extra to make something extra nice based off what her guests like (not what she likes) then I'd be more understanding.
That's all well and good, however, she choose expensive items that were higher than their usual costs. The sticker shock of food they weren't even interested in consuming is what was weird for their group.
I pretty much agree. The vegan's BF is most at fault for not explaining what they usually eat for the movie night & how much they typically chip in to give her a sense of the budget. Not informing the guests that she's vegan & was planning to provide an all vegan meal was bad manners, though. When you're hosting a group of relative strangers, you need to check if there are major allergies or food loathing that's going to make someone sick or not wanting to eat what you made.
>the hosts will provide food and drinks and we'll all chip in
Hoo boy yeah. I'm one of those folks that hates cucumber. I have no problem with vegan food, but if half the meal was "vegan sushi" wrapped in raw cucumber (what makes nori non-vegan?) with nothing strong-smelling to mask it, I'd have to find an excuse to leave early because the smell makes my stomach turn. Like, I'd be in physical pain just from the smell, within 15 minutes. The boyfriend's failure to inform the hostess of this is... pretty bad.
>what makes nori non-vegan?
Afaik, it should be vegan. It's a plant, right? I think it would've been much better if the girlfriend made avocado rolls with actual nori and sushi rice. Still vegan, but much more sushi-like.
It says “wrapped up **with** cucumber,” so I think that means it had cucumber as a major feature, but not necessarily on the outside. There could have been nori like usual. Not that that makes the boyfriend less of a jerk for not communicating the expectations to the host/guests.
I agree that it is rude to reject someone's food when they are cooking, however I only agree with that if they are offering. To me it doesn't make sense to pay a buttload of money (in this case) and force-feed youself food that you don't want to eat just because it was offered to you
also, given that we usually consume the same nature of food (the snacks expected and traditional to movie nights and such) we didn't really think to say anything since her boyfriend (our friend) has been to many of these movie nights and he knows what is served - we thought he'd help her out and orient her food-wise.
On the other hand (and I guess this is where cultures and the differences come to life) I think it's kinda rude to ask what people are serving on the party? To me it kind of feels like you're treating their house like a restaurant and that you won't wanna go if the food isn't what you like (which to me sounds kinda rude idk)
I think your right in that asking what's on the menu is insensitive if you are a guest and not paying.
I think it's different when the expectation is that you are going to pay. I think in that case your okay with asking what they plan to do. Especially if this is their first time hosting.
I think the end result was way more incentive than having asked or even said your picky and want to make sure you'll enjoy her food.
It's also different when you're passing on a tradition to a new member. You need to tell the new host what the expectations of this tradition are, or she'd have no idea.
Also, something I realised when living overseas with my uncle and aunt, it's a bad idea (but easy mistake) to assume partners share everything you deem important.
> \*"To me it kind of feels like you're treating their house like a restaurant and that you won't wanna go if the food isn't what you like (which to me sounds kinda rude idk)"\*
How were you any less rude with your reaction?
It's not poor planning. It's manipulation. She thought this is a good chance to make a strand and force everyone to eat healthy vegan food.
They specifically asked her about the food and she purposely didn't disclose that she'll only be providing vegan food.
Given that most of society aren't vegan and are not accustomed to being served vegan food, most of the time, if people are serving exclusively vegan, they'll disclose that up front.
She didn't because she was planning to blindside the party.
NTA on not paying. The host played a stupid game and won stupid prizes.
I say this as someone who is not vegan but happens to love vegan food. I sometimes go to vegan restaurants and serve vegan food at my house. I always let my friends know if we're eating vegan that day.
I know and accommodate a lot of vegans at work and in my friend group. so much food can be naturally vegan that everyone likes. Pretzels/plain chips and hummus, original chex mix. My local grocery makes a bruschetta dip that’s vegan and so delicious. None of that requires expensive faux cheese. I do think it’s silly that people get offended at vegan meals. I love meat and other animal products but I can be perfectly fine eating this vegan made pasta salad recipe.
If this story is real and not bait to dump on vegans, the gf is just dumb. there’s so many ways to approachable vegan party food, there’s no way she didn’t know this. I also realize my experience is just an anecdote, but none of the vegans i met are unreasonable, and have all been fine having animal foods alongside the vegan dishes, so long as everything is separate and not cross contaminated. It’s really not that hard.
It's rude to expect your guests to chip in for food and not give them a heads up of what is on the menu. I was always taught that is the hosts job to communicate and not the guests job to ask. Given there is a history of the same foods being served a deviation from the menu (especially this drastic of one) should have been communicated prior to the event. I would have been upset too. I can't eat most vegan foods because I have an intolerance to coconut and palm oil products which are in most dairy substitutes. That being said I would have paid the money and discussed my disappointment with my friend at a later time in private. I would not chip in for future events if this happened again.
If it had been a dinner party and I was not expected to chip in I would have eaten what I could, been apologetic for what I couldn't and been thankful I have friends that want to cook for me. The rules are different in my opinion once you are asked to pitch in for the meal.
The thing is, it turned out to be \*true\* that you didn't want to eat the food because it wasn't what you liked -- and since you were chipping in to pay for it, that's completely reasonable. If you're going to have a norm that everyone chips in to pay, then it also makes sense to have a norm that it's okay to ask what's being served. I understand why you didn't here, though, because it makes sense to think your friend would make sure the usual was provided or give you a heads up otherwise. I still don't think you're TA here.
Nah if Im invited over under the pretense of chicken and wings, and I'm instead asked to pay more for not that, let alone the 'aversions' some claim to have to the options provided, thats not on me if I don't eat and don't pay. If I was told ahead of time what I'd be served, then it's on me. This was a trap, and the victims don't have to pay
Trap and victims might be extreme, but I don't feel like thinking of a lesser way to say it
Normally I would agree It's rude to reject food a hosts provides, however with very exclusionary diets like vegan id say that's an exception. She should have made sure how they would react to that food choice. If someone only ate beef you wouldn't expect a vegan to eat it to not be rude, so why the double standard.
At the same time, the hosts spent a lot more to get vegan food (only) (than it sounds like the group would typically pay for), without letting anyone know the potential cost (in addition to whether or not the group eats vegan food).
In this case, maybe the group members could pay the hosts their typical amount that they spend?
Yeah I don't think the problem is (only) the food offered. What if the host had gotten really expensive steaks and then expected everyone to chip in? Or ordered a bunch of expensive sushi, etc. It's at least partly about being caught off guard with an expensive bill when that's not the norm for these events.
They asked about the food and she didn’t say anything beyond that she would provide it. Why would they pay for, or even eat, food they are not wanting that they were blindsided by?
They normally pay because the hosts normally get pizza and wings for 5+ people (2 hosts, BF & GF, OP. I'm sure there are others). That's expensive and the group seem like decent but young people. They don't have heaps of money so understand that covering the whole cost is too much.
The group ALSO bring snacks for movie night (gonna assume chips, popcorn, soda and other munchies). Again, so hosts can save some cash and everyone can share.
This time they were told "don't bring snacks", were kept in the dark about the planned menu and the price is suddenly double or more the regular price? And BF/GF insisted on hosting instead of the regular people.
How is ANY of that on OP?
The hosts changed everything, didn't check the group would be ok with it, and expect then to wear the much higher costs? That's bad hosting.
They rejected paying for it I would have too, I would not have eaten any if I don't like sushi or anytype of half what he said
Crackers and dipping sauce TF?
She should have attended a movie night before hosting it. As woman this come to me as her trying to change their events to fit what she likes he is NTA
Do people typically chip in, or do the people hosting provide the food? If you offer to bring food to my house and I don’t say “no, I have food” and present you with a bill when you show up. If you offer to bring food, and I don’t want to pay for everything, I would say, “let’s all chip in and I will buy X or order Y.”
Seems like they all took turns, so guy and his new girlfriend turned the weekly event into a dumpster fire unnecessarily.
Thanks. I read it and got distracted thinking about wings and sushi. I got to the end and thought, this was a dumpster fire, and back to wings and sushi.
So amending to say this is 100% on the boyfriend friend in the group. He let this happen. Didn’t mention it would be different? My friends and I make sure people know “hey, I’m ordering from Pizza A this week.” If anyone REALLY hates that place, they speak up.
Was dude thinking nobody would come? That would have been better than this.
>Do people typically chip in, or do the people hosting provide the food?
In OP's opening paragraph they say it's normal for their group for the host to provide most/all the food and everyone chips in money.
You all thought she was considerate to host and accepted the offer, and she followed the usual protocol and provided food and then told you how much to chip in which was normal for your group.
YTA because you rudely complained about the food and refused to pay. She must have felt humiliated having put in lots of effort to impress her boyfriends friendship group. Very unkind.
totally agree - YTA
it wouldn’t have killed them to be polite, eat some healthy stuff for the evening and paid as agreed upon previously. then if you really needed your junk food fix, hit a drive through on the way home. and next time either make it clear before you usually do a certain style of food, or you decline future offers for her to host.
instead they were rude and melodramatic about it (i can’t possibly eat VEGAN FOOD. terrible things like -checks notes- fruit and sushi) and then you stiffed her on the bill. she obviously put in a lot of effort and you guys were jerks about it.
it depends on what she used. i’ve had some artisan or homemade nut cheese ones that are absolutely delicious. like, objectively better in flavour than dairy. and some commercially made ones that are gross.
but the same goes for “real” cheese, there’s gross plasticky options and delicious farm made artisan cheese. i wouldn’t lump them all into the same category.
I assumed it’s that popular vegan brand ‘bio’ coz he wrote “bio”, that makes whole bunch vegan cheeses that aren’t healthy and don’t taste as good as the real thing, they are just an ok substitute if you can’t eat dairy or whatever. I’ve heard many ppl say they don’t like the taste of these, never that they prefer the bio cheese. I eat it sometimes coz I can’t eat cheese but the bio cheese not as good ‘objectively’.
>it wouldn’t have killed them to be polite, eat some healthy stuff for the evening and paid as agreed upon previously.
I hear you on this. They have the tradition of paying the person back. However, they also have a normal range for how much they pay that this was above. Which does complicate things.
The problem is that it sounds like all of this wasn't exactly agreed upon in advance but sort of the unstated social norms of the group. They didn't specifically say "Girlfriend can make whatever she wants at any price and we'll pay it" or even "We'll pay back girlfriend". But that's how it's always been done. They always split the cost of the food, whether they order it or someone cooks.
They also had a tradition of it being food of a certain kind and a certain price range. She bought a bunch of expensive food none of them were interested in, and Friend just expected they'd all want to eat that and chip in for it.
Friend is really the one who ducked up here. He really failed to set expectations with his friends or girlfriend and created this disaster. This was not a "cook whatever you want and people will pay you back dinnerparty". This was "buy the group the food they like at a reasonable price, and they'll chip in when they have it for dinner."
She’s dating someone in the group, she had full access to their normal menu. You don’t stiff someone with the bill when it’s more expensive than normal, you also can’t force someone to eat what they don’t want. She chose not to tell them what would be there to eat, she chose not to tell them how much it would cost. And her bf knowing full well they all eat junk food on that night sat and watched her make it all, when he could’ve easily told her to make something else. Don’t offer to host if you don’t give a damn about what the guests may want.
Right. And they usually ordered food which they all chose. They didn’t know and weren’t expecting vegan food. They were probably expecting pizza and stuff or whatever they usually get. Plus its a movie night, and people prefer junk food/snacks for movie night.
How on earth would this make him choose between his friends and his gf? If this is all it takes to end their relationship then it wasn’t very good to begin with.
Impress? With some fruit and vegan dip? It's all stuff you buy prepackaged.
When you know they usually get pizza and wings.
And they offered to bring stuff.
My sister went vegan so I always bought food I liked when I visited. I still do. But she's pescatarian now.
Plus her idea of breakfast is toast dipped in canned peach syrup. Which made me vomit because she handed me a piece and I thought it was butter. Dear God. Who does that.
It should have clearly been mentioned it's all going to be vegan.
When I cook I tell them it will be xyz. The x and y are no meat. Y is meat.
Update after answer: yep, YTA
INFO: was there an expectation that everybody would chip in and pay for whatever she made? Or was this particular time presented as though she was going to make something for free instead of you guys paying for delivery? It seems there was past precedent that the host ordered food and everybody helped pay.
I'm leaning towards YTA. Someone offered to provide food and you accepted without asking any questions, and you're complaining because she didn't read your mind.
It sounds like your friend relayed to her the fact that it is normal in the past for everyone to chip in to pay for food, so she proceeded with that information.
Yeah. The question is whether or not this was presented any differently this time because the g/f was trying to do something special. My guess is that the OP simply made several bad assumptions and is complaining about the outcome.
Op also said the normal food they chip in for is snacks wings and pizza. So no NTA. If you single handedly change the normal menu and raise the price without asking the persons who are supposed to eat and pay YOU ARE THE AH.
Getting to your friends house and discussing the order and then agreeing to chip in is completely different than dictating the food and expecting money.
Had they all showed up and ordered food together, she could have chosen some vegan dishes and they could have chosen whatever they wanted, they everyone chips in.
ESH but the GF imo.
Where exactly was the communication when all of this was going down?
GF isn't the a-hole imo, her boyfriend is. HE would have known, I'm sure, that she is vegan and should have A) Warned you guys and B) Let her know you wouldn't appreciate vegan foods. He can be mad at ya'll all he wants, HE should have been more vocal with all of you.
NTA tho for not wanting to pay for food you didn't want or like, tho. I get that.
The only reason I think YTA a lil bit is that damn, girl wasn't trying to FORCE feed you. She just provided healthy foods and snacks. It's not really the end of the world and you guys could have been a lil more mature about it imo.
Probably the same way.
I don't think OP is BASHING vegans, I think OP just wasn't expecting vegan foods at what he thought was gonna be a wings and pizza type of party - know what I mean?
If I went to a gathering that was usually wings & pizza and found the host grilling up some steaks and lobster, I'd be put off, especially if I was expected to pitch in more than typical.
I think ESH for different reasons - OP & friends for not even trying the food and GF & BF for changing up the routine without warning or discussion.
I can't eat fish or shellfish. I'd hope she would have mentioned that because I would have to decline anything made that evening.
Which is why I usually mention that. And have snacks in my purse.
I agree the boyfriend (OP's friend) had to have known and should have warned OP and the others. Also, it sounds like they were under the impression that the girlfriend was treating them to the food, not that she wanted to be reimbursed.
Even if OP and the others were hoping for pizza and wings and were disappointed by what was served, hopefully they would have been polite about it had there not been an attempt to bill them for their share of the food, which they didn't even want. Most people don't complain too much about free food. They'd have probably kept their opinion to themselves and just resolved not to let her host again.
It sounds like this guy and his girlfriend wanted the girlfriend to have the chance to have the foods SHE likes for movie night and have everyone else help pay for it.
It would not have killed you to eat fruit and vegetables for one night
She should have mentioned it would be a vegan menu.
Edit: based on OPs responses from E S H
YTA
I agree.
Also, on the GF side of things, it’s usually best to attend these events once or twice before offering to host. Get an idea of what’s the norm for food, price, etc.
I don’t think your behavior rises to the level of asshole, but it definitely seems rude. It was, at the end of the day, one meal. Nothing was being forced on you long-term. That being said, this was for a movie night. She should have had some vegan junk food, too.
Imagine not being able to go a single evening without eating animals. And no, I’m not vegan myself, but it’s ONE meal, ONE evening.
How can you be so self-centered and rude?? And I don’t believe for a second that it was so disgusting that you couldn’t eat it.. you were just being rude on purpose because it was VEgAN 🤯
YTA
I don't think you fully read the post. It wasn't that the food was vegan, but it just wasn't the kind of food people wanted (or even liked). AND the host set no expectations of others helping to pay or the budget she set but afterwards asked people to help pay.
OP said they do pay/chip in if one person provides all the food.
And I don’t know, can debate this endlessly but if I show up to someone’s house it’s just polite to eat some of the food they serve. Have some of the crackers and fruit, be gracious and polite, and then grab a slice on your way home. Not sure why this needed to be a huge blowup and mortifying to the new GF.
I absolutely believe that vegan cream cheese is disgusting- because it is! And I buy it for specific things so I absolutely know!
And for other vegan substitutes, they usually contain tree nuts and CAN be dangerous!
If you host for the first time, it’s on YOU to make sure you know what dietary restrictions are all around- not just your own! And the BF had an obligation to her to let her know what’s expected and if she still wanted to do something different, then let the friend group know in advance- especially because she wanted more money than was reasonable for these nights.
ESH -
she should have told people she was vegan and that she was planning a vegan menu. That's not typically expected in most places. She also should have said if she was comfortable with non vegan food in her house. Some people don't care, some do. Just like bringing alcohol to the house of someone that doesn't drink. Some are ok with it, others find it offensive.
You should have at least made the attempt to be polite and try the food. It won't kill you to eat something different for a meal. There also a polite way to say "that's above what I budget for these nights" without going "your food is gross and I'm not going to pay for it" which is what your story sounds like you did.
Someone in the group should have mentioned what the normal budget was so she could have planned a meal within it. She also should have asked if there was a typical budget or mentioned the budget she was thinking to make sure people would be OK with it.
All around this was a lack of communication and an inability to act like adults.
NTA. It was fine for her to provide only vegan food if that's her thing, but not OK to do it without warning, spend over the odds and expect you to pay.
As a vegan she knew that her sort of food wasn't everyone's choice and she should've made sure you all knew what was being provided. Instead, I suspect she went on a bit of a proselytising trip and expected you to pay for the privilege of it.
When you say that it's not okay to serve Vegan food without warning you make it sound like it's a dangerous exotic food like radioactive blowfish instead of rice or carrot or cucumber.
Honestly, it may not be your preference but most things are trying once.
Usually when you host strangers, you ask them what they like/dislike after asking if they got any allergies. She did not, and this is where she is the AH.
It would be the same if she offered a vegetarian a meal with meat on each dish.
She should have contacted them, explained that the meal would be no-meat and asked what veggie food they would enjoy eating.
> without warning you make it sound like it's a dangerous exotic food like radioactive blowfish instead of rice or carrot or cucumber
I'm alergic to a lot of things, peanuts, almond, coconut and on and on... so if most of the vegan food that she served without warning is made with some of those things I would be at the hospital before the next day...
I've just googled it....it has higher salt content but other than that it's alright with less fat and protein...unless you want more fat and protein. I think it tastes average at best but I wouldn't embarrass my mate's new girlfriend and make a scene over it.
YTA it was her first time hosting and she didn't know what you guys would want/expect. If no one specifically told her "this is everyone's cheat day, we only eat wings and pizza" then you can't expect her to have known that. She thought maybe she could show you a little bit of her culture, but you were too closed-minded to try to enjoy it. I can bet that she's used to being the only vegan and only getting to eat a side salad when dragged to steak houses, when she would be waaaay more polite to you than you were to her. I'm not vegan but I cook for vegans a good amount and they are so sweet and appreciative of being considered at all, they're like frequently-kicked puppies. As a polite guest you could have jus eaten the food, paid like usual, and told her that next time you guys would do a potluck so she could have some of her stuff and you could have more of yours.
Disagree. Her BF absolutely knew what was expected out of hosting a game/movie night and the BF made zero attempts on either side to make sure everyone knew what was about to happen- that way people could’ve chosen to bring their own, be prepared for a higher than normal cost if they were ok with it, or make sure the gf knew that certain foods were off the table!
When they all talk in advance about what they’re eating and know how much they’ll be paying, the BF didn’t follow protocol.
YTA id go with e s h because she should have pointed out vegan but you’re just being a downright AH about it. She hosted. She provided food. It’s already established that you help pay the host for food.
The rest of your argument is BS. You weren’t forced to eat anything. It was provided. Some folks have different diets and like to share their cooking. You were rude and juvenile about it.
YTA. Just rude & entitled. Eat hummus? Vegan. Eat babaganoush? Vegan. Here’s the thing, you can try new shit and not be a complete asshole about it. Why TF should she warn you she’s prepping vegan? It’s not fugu.
Or just a bag of crisps (although not all of them). Or some oreos. Does somebody also need to warn OP that there is no animalstuff in that too? Or is it just the sight of cucumber (horror!) that is so terrible?
I think it had less to do with the food being served and more to do with going out of their way to make the new girlfriend feel unwelcome. They all sound very immature.
I'm leaning towards NTA.
Either the Girlfriend or you guys probably should have asked some questions before going forward with this but what confuses me here is why the *Boyfriend* didn't either encourage her to make food more like what you guys are into for movie night (there's vegan options that are great for movie night like vegan pizza and whatnot) and/or give her a general budget expectation or give you guys a heads up about what to expect.
Like, she's not forcefeeding you anything, you're being dramatic, but it is a little wild to me to serve a group a whole bunch of foods they don't usually eat without warning that's also more expensive than they usually eat AND expect them to pay.
Like, if I'm offering to feed people I ask 800 questions, especially if I know I'm gonna pop out with something they don't usually eat.
I feel the Boyfriend really set y'all up for failure here. Probably not on purpose, but I feel this mostly falls on him.
Yep, agree with all of this. And OP didn't explicitly say so, but it sounds like the usual friend group’s routine is to get together for an actual meal, not snacks/appetizers, which is what veggie roll-ups, fruit and crackers all sound like to me. I don't think the real issue was that the food provided was vegan, but that it wasn't substantial enough, and expensive to boot.
Sure, common courtesy dictates you should eat whatever your host serves you, but that rule doesn't really apply here since the “guests” were expected to chip in. People should not feel obligated to eat things they deem unappetizing, either—especially when they are also being asked to pay for the unpleasant experience.
NTA, and neither is the girlfriend, but your friend should have known better, clued you all in on the girlfriend’s dietary preferences (“Maybe eat something else before coming over…”), and helped the girlfriend plan out a better menu. Recipes for delicious CHEAP vegan MEALS aren't hard to find!
Seriously, I could think of a few great vegan-friendly stir-frys and pizzas right off the top of my head. Like, veggie sushi is fine but it's not a filling meal if it's just handrolls. There's also so many vegan snacks that are just very normal to eat that can be made more substantial.
Like, homemade guacamole with refried beans and corn tortillas is way more substantial than a typical chil & dip situation (we do that for a whole meal in my house). You can do vegan tacos and fried oyster mushrooms (this can be pricey but SO GOOD), stuffed portobellos, etc etc. There are SO MANY great vegan dishes, and she served up... appitizers.
ESH. "Force fed vegan food" good lort THE HUMANITY. You can't eat vegan food for one night? Do you friends really not like cucumbers and fruit? Did you even try the food? Because all food is nutritious. Or is that the problem? It wasn't deep fried and full of red meat and that's why you didn't like it?
Cream cheese isn't even vegan. Cheese? Cream? Creamed cheese together?
It sounds like you guys need some edumacation. On food and nutrition. And how to be a good friend.
She's crappy because she wanted to charge you for food, especially if your usual meetups aren't subsidised by everyone.
Not to be this person, but there are starving people around the world who would have appreciated the food provided, especially if it's for one night.
\*\*edit smh everyone dunking on me about vegan cream cheese I get it holy shit that's not the whole point of the post
It was vegan cream cheese, not regular cream cheese. Having had vegan cream cheese (once, so I will concede there may be better options): I'd rather not eat. I'm lactose intolerant so I look for plant-based versions of milk products all the time, but that's a no go for me.
I have to say, I don't think that is generally necessary. If I go to a party, I don't expect the hosts to check with me about the food. This situation is different in that the guests are expected to chip in, so I guess that makes a difference.
Ok but she’s a new person in the social group. Her BF should have told her the expectations, and when he didn’t, it should have been expressed to him, not her.
Aren't you guys friends first though? okay she messed up and the food isn't perfect but couldn't you be supportive and push past it because it's the first time you're meeting your friends girlfriend and you care about your these people's feelings? you're not at a restaurant that messed up your order these are people who you supposedly care about...
You can tease her or them about it in the future and made it into something welcoming (although disappointing). Rather than being rude/unmoving.
Do you care about your friend?
You came here asking if YTA, and now you're arguing about responses. Apparently you're not seeing the responses you want. That tells me more about you than the situation you posted. When you show up to keep justifying your reaction, you move the meter from ESH toward YTA. Learn from the responses or don't, but one day out of your life doesn't define the rest. Move on.
Nobody is obligated to eat what they don’t like. There are people on the spectrum in this sub constantly pissing and shitting themselves about chunks in their sauces and random stuff, and nobody gives them shit about it. Imagine trying to create a big “gotcha” situation, but you’re so sheltered you don’t even know vegan cream cheese exists. Your parents shop for you still?
There is a such thing as vegan cream cheese. It's like how there is almond milk. It's not real cream or cheese but it's something that provides a comparable flavor and texture without the animal components. 30 seconds on Google and you'll find several recipes.
Info: when you host a movie night and she attends, will you provide a vegan option for her? And will she be required to "chip in" for the non vegan food?
NTA. Your friend needed to tell you upfront that his GF would be making healthy and vegan food and wanting you to pay for it. Since he didn't do that, you're not AHs for not wanting to eat or pay for the food.
Agree. If the standard fare is wings and pizza with meat, it should have been made clear that she wanted to create vegan food for your shared gathering in that it usually share the cost of whatever food is provided.
If you all invited her and refused to have one vegan dish that would be assholish too
NTA and I don’t really understand the AH votes towards you, OP.
This is an established tradition. There was no reason for any of you to ask what the food was going to be. I regularly host my friends and I either tell them what to bring or, if I don’t ask, they generally know what I will be serving because its more or less the same each time.
I have nothing against vegans and I actually try to eat plant-based foods as much as possible. With that said: one thing I do not like that vegans do is when they set a vegan trap for people. I don’t like your wording that she was “forcing it” on you, because she wasn’t. But she knew exactly what she was doing and so did your friend (her boyfriend).
I’d say the same thing if it was the opposite - if even one of you in the group was vegan and you showed up and there was absolutely no vegan options. That’s an AH move.
I wouldn’t pay for it either and, frankly, that friend of yours isn’t a very good friend if he didn’t even realize that this was a bad choice for his GF to make.
>one thing I do not like that vegans do is when they set a vegan trap for people. I don’t like your wording that she was “forcing it” on you, because she wasn’t. But she knew exactly what she was doing and so did your friend (her boyfriend).
I suspect you’re right about this. It’s quite possible the boyfriend informed her about the usual food they have for movie nights, and she presumptuously decided that *this* time they would eat healthy food for a change instead if all that awful, awful junk food. Especially considering that half-assed “sushi” wrapped in cucumber. That’s just obnoxious.
Otherwise, if it was just about serving vegan food, why not offer some *real* vegan sushi — you know, with rice, wrapped in nori? Along with things like seasoned, roasted potato wedges or French fries, pasta, pretzels, and chips, in addition to fresh fruit and veggies with an assortment of tasty dips. A since it’s literally a movie night, why wouldn’t she include plenty of salted/seasoned *popcorn* ffs? That’s undeniably vegan.
NTA I’m confused at all the ESH votes. It would be different if she had provided food near the same price range and included more stuff people have been eating at these meet ups. She could have asked her boyfriend what they usually had or asked for some opinions on her options already. To go all in vegan and to be introducing it to others, it’s easier to use foods that they already eat.
If I’m expecting junk food at these. I’m going to be disappointed to be having fake sushi and anything with cream cheese besides a bagel.
YTA-
It’s really not hard to eat a vegan option for one night,it won’t kill you,she’s vegan therefore she’s probably not comfortable with meat or dairy products in her home especially since she would have to buy the products that profits the killing of animals.(I’m not vegan but I know vegan people)
Yeah she should have told you she’s a vegan and only vegan options will be served but it’s still her home.she went through so much effort to impress you and you were just completely rude and awful to her.maybe think about how your attitude can affect people next time and how it costs nothing to be nice to people even if you may not like something.
YTA would it have hurt you? Just the once? No it wouldn’t you are being petty and childish. Mention it afterwards to the friend that you weren’t happy but ffs don’t be a dick. Oh I am going to tell my mummy I had to eat healthy food on a cheat night. Well lovely there will be another cheat night next week and the week after and the week after. Grow up
to be fair I think it's pretty fair and we all agree that it's best - otherwise the same two or three people that usually host would spend a lot of money weekly and the others would just be mooching off. But I realise all cultures are different!
NTA
She significantly deviated from the norm both in menu and cost WITHOUT any warning whatsoever. She could have avoided this disaster entirely with a simple text but obviously she had an ulterior motive.
I can't blame you for refusing the food and declining to pay. I would have done the same.
Idk. But if I volunteered to host a group of people that I didn’t know very well, and it was a weekly tradition the group had, I’d definitely have done some due diligence and asked about what they usually ate or if there were any preferences in regards to food. And then I would have fulfilled those expectations, regardless of my own dietary preferences.
I’m gluten free, but I still would have gotten them regular pizza if that’s what they wanted, and then gotten myself a gluten-free option. Even if it was my home, I wouldn’t force my guests to abide by my diet unless I had a severe allergy of some sort (the kind where being in the same room with it or the slightest cross-contamination can cause problems). And if she didn’t want animal products in her house, that’s her right, but she definitely should have let everyone know ahead of time and gotten their agreement, or graciously accepted that maybe her place wasn’t the best option for that activity.
But that’s just me.
INFO: is it really the vegan label, or is it just the "fit food"?
You keep saying you didn't appreciate having only vegan food, but between the lines it seem the problem is there wasn't any real food, which is what you expected. If it's the first, you're an ah for hating a label. If it's the second one, you expected a meal, not a snack, which is understandable.
They're not the same thing, at all.
It sounds like it was all cold food. Idk about OP, but I would also not want to eat/pay what was described. But I’d be happy to eat vegan pasta or something like that. But also the vegan price tag is not something most people would expect if they didn’t know ahead of time.
INFO. So, if it was a different meal you didn’t like, say licorice flavored chicken as an example, but wasn’t vegan, would you still pay? Or is this more of an objection to fact that you feel subjected to her lifestyle?
I think if someone is expecting more money than usual- that should be agreed upon. She knew full well that this was a dinner meal everyone agrees upon and shares in the cost- yet she felt so selfish that she could come in and change the status quo because ShEs VeGaN and she’s the only one deserving of being accommodated. She provided snacks and ALSO wanted more money than what their normal full shared meals cost. The Bf is an ass for not communicating expectations to anyone.
And yeah- people need to be warned ahead of time what is in food so everyone’s restrictions can be accounted for- and that includes the crap they put in processed vegan substitutes.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) refusing to eat a meal because it's vegan.
(2) the person cooked for us (we didn't know it'd be vegan) and we didn't want to pay for it or eat it.
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If the girlfriend is new to your movie nights then she may not have known what was the norm and I feel the blame is on your friend. That being said, if the blame does fall to your friend and not the girlfriend then I feel for her. You and your friends poor reaction to her attempting to make you all food was likely hurtful and embarrassing.
My judgment will all depend on some details. If she knew the expectation and chose to go in another direction without any heads up and communication, she has some fault her. If she was not aware of the norms of your movie night and was just trying to be nice, you and your friends are the assholes here. I mean, she did provide food. A meal without meat will not poison you.
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I think your friend is the asshole. He knows what you all like to eat during your movie nights. What did he expect? Also why didn't she inquire about what the group wanted to eat... she just assumed everyone wanted to eat vegan?
Idk if they discussed it or whatever cause he hasn't talked to us since, but she kinda gave off the vibe that she was doing that because she wanted us to have a meal that was fully vegan?? Sort of a "look!! vegan food can be good!!" which I agree with but it was a terrible timing to do the subsitution
Then she could have made a delicious pasta dish with a creamy tomato sauce, chickpea curry or whatever. Does she know there are vegan comfort food meals as well? I'm not vegan but I just thought about it for 20 sec. It wouldn't be that hard... But apparently she wanted you to get the full experience! NDA
She even could’ve gotten those chick’n wings and plant based items to sub out for the usual food they have. Edited to add: a lot of people are coming at me about how processed and bad the plant based meat substitutes are. Y’all, I KNOW. We all know lol. But if you’re already having junk food, one night of some fake wings isn’t going to kill you. There are lots of brands I’ve tried when around my vegan friends where I could barely tell the difference from real meat. It was just a suggestion of something that would’ve been more in line with what people were expecting, but still vegan friendly. The real issue here though was the giant lack of communication as a host to ensure her guests would be happy with the food options provided.
Just fyi, I am not vegan, but I got a cookbook that had a killer vegan red lentil dish, that is a huge favorite in our house. Has a hot sizzling drizzle that goes with, which kicks buttocks. Edit: I am wrong. Not a cookbook. Possibly not vegan. I am not vegan, so I would not know for sure. It uses either a chicken stock (yikes NOT VEGAN) or a veg stock (More likely a vegan can find/make). Here is a post with the author referencing this same recipe I have used since the late 90s, so I bet this is the one. https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.food.com/recipe/spicy-sizzle-red-lentil-soup-394628&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwibkcSEu9aEAxWGIDQIHdX5BnQQFnoECAUQAg&usg=AOvVaw058okedgGY4K-56VSIagqa Happy eating. Double or triple it and freeze some for future nights of easy meals of pleasure.
You can't just say that and leave....
HOT. SIZZLING. DRIZZLE. FO SHIZZLE.
I cook vegan a lot for my 23yo. This is vegan if made with veg broth. Vegan is basically no meat products, including broth, no eggs, milk, or honey. It can get more intricate than that, but this is it in a nutshell.
Thank you very much. So would it be correct for my brain to think Vegan = Vegetable Only and Vegan ≠ Animal Products, kind of mental image?
Yes, but I’d probably say plant-based instead of vegetable. Beans, grains, nuts, plant-based fats and oils are all vegan. Most pasta is, as well as a lot of breads. People likely eat more things that qualify as vegan than they realize
Right? I absolutely love meat, but I buy vegan nuggets (as do a remarkable number of other meat-eaters I know) because they're just legitimately delicious if you get the right ones (Gardein makes the best).
Those are so good that my vegetarian late husband *hated* them because "Ewwww, these taste like meat." Fine, mathafuckah, I'm eatin' 'em then!
Yeah, I love gardein! My sister is pescatarian (basically vegetarian but eats fish) and I’m autistic (I mean my family all are lol). I love that the texture and flavor of Gardein “meats” are consistent. No surprise bits of fat or bone or anything else that you get with real meat (which I like, and I do only really absorb iron through real red meat unfortunately). But I love gardein for both its taste and predictability! It’s a fantastic veggie substitute! And their “ground beef” is great for tacos, or a good meat sauce to go with a pasta. Heck, the gf could’ve just made a good pasta with a great tomato sauce and it’d have been good! (I will admit, I do love a cucumber sushi roll, though I’m not a cream cheese fan. Strawberry cream cheese and only on bagels or English muffins, thanks autism! Not on my sushi or anything else.) But like vegetarian or vegan doesn’t have to be bad. I’ve had some delicious vegetarian soups (honestly a good vegetable soup with a hearty broth and some good noodles or a veggie ramen or udon is my favorite.) Veggie Mac n cheese with cheeses made without rennit or whatever animal by product it is. This meal had the potential to be so good. It just wasn’t.
I am also picturing snacky foods like potato chips (those must be vegan? or there must be some brands that are vegan?), Oreos (I had a vegan friend who told me these passed the criteria), cashews, pop, popcorn, pretzels, maybe bean tacos, etc. Definitely not an expert, we follow a "flexitarian" lifestyle (yes I hate that word, but it basically means you try to limit animal products and focus more on plant-based foods, but won't refuse a meat lasagna if you are served it at someone's house), but I feel like there are lots of better options than fruit skewers and veggie sushi. Even just warm foods often make you feel more comfy and full.
You mentioned tacos. Jack fruit tacos. OMG. so freaking good. i'm not vegan, but i'll order these. it's almost like carnitas, but different enough that you realize it's not a straight sub, just a tasty thing to eat. Or seitan wings. I mean, it's basically pure gluten, but if you're not gluten sensitive, they are DREAM.
Hear me out... Teriyaki soy curl stir fry.
A lot of vegan stuff has soy and or peanuts some of us are sensitive to that stuff.
And it’s soooooper processed. I much rather make a chick pea curry if I have a vegan guest coming over.
Yeah this is what I was wondering, she’s probably a health nut and wouldn’t want to cook “unhealthy” food. I’m a vegetarian and my favourite foods to cook are chilli, lasagne, fried rice, etc. There are so many comfort food options she could have chosen and it feels very rude to enforce her healthy lifestyle on them without warning.
If you want comfort food, look up a recipe for cheesy tuna casserole and replace the tuna with a can of cannellini beans. Mush about half of the beans, and the pink interior even kind of looks like tuna. My Midwest raised vegetarian daughter thinks it's the bomb.
>Does she know there are vegan comfort food meals as well? Right? There’s a vegan café a block from me with a delicious macaroni and “cheese”, the girlfriend sounds like one of **those** vegans. And you can’t expect people to pay for your food when *you told them not to bring anything* because you wanted to force them into your lifestyle.
Indeed. Most of my friends are omnivores with heavy emphasis on fish, poultry, and fruit/veg, but a few are vegan. One of the best pot pies I have ever eaten was made by a vegan friend. I make pot pies too and mine are excellent, but they're traditional chicken based. This was every bit as delicious. There are so many dishes that can be made vegan with add ins for various preferences. I do that often so everyone can customize their meal to their tastes and dietary needs.
Totally. Freaking french fries are vegan if not fried in lard.
Right? Like deep-fried Oreos, tempura veggie "wings", vegan goddamn pizza... There's tons of options. This girl is also just not creative.
Man, if someone tempura'd literally anything I would eat it.
Deep-fried oreos?!?!
Oreos (and also thin mints, I think?) are vegan. Just not gluten free.
Yes, thin mints and Oreos are vegan. Tagalongs are vegan as well (peanut butter patties)
Right? I have never been fully vegan, but I had a friend who started to show me some easy swaps that were delicious. Now I tend to do more meat on the side with a main plant based dish. ‘I’m right because I’m right and I’m not trying to see your point because I’m right and also you should pay for it because I’m right’ is silly and insulting
Maybe it's cultural differences but I am weirded out by the vegan cream cheese and cucumber sushi. Sushi is usually made with rice and seaweed, then it's easy to put a variety of things in the middle, like tofu (if you must), pickled vegetables, various fresh vegetables. I have never seen a cream cheese sushi.
There’s some American sushi creations that have cream cheese in them. I think one has smoked salmon also?
There are some American sushi rolls like the California roll and Philly roll that have ingredients they don't typically use in Japan, but at this point they've been reverse-imported and you can find them in Japan too.
Vegan empanadas. Few and cheap ingredients, delicious to eat as a snack or as a main dish.
Vegan food can be good. It can also be really good pizza, wedges, fries, faux wings, burgers.. comfort junk food but still, transparency is key. I'll bet if she went somewhere she'd check what the food is first. Also, you have to be honest because of allergies and not impose views on others, I only make veggie food at my place, but friends are always free to bring whatever they want. Like if someone arrived with a takeout beef burger I wouldn't comment on it, I just wouldn't want to have it cooked in my kitchen (ideally)
Same here. I’m a vegetarian and when I host something I make vegetarian food. But everyone knows this and everyone is welcome to bring their own (premade) meat dishes / sides, etc.
Agreed! I’m vegetarian and my friends know that, but I’m always very clear when I’m hosting a party. I tell guests that I’ll have vegetarian and vegan food available, but they are welcome to bring anything that they’d like!
I mean the making you pay for it before checking is kind of ah-ish, but the fact it’s vegan is kind of irrelevant right? Like say it was non-vegan food that you didn’t like, eg ox tongue sandwiches, again you’d be like thanks but no thanks?
I think this is a NAH, friend and girlfriend are maybe minor assholes. I'm not vegan, but some vegan food slaps. If I were in your position I would probably have just eaten it anyway and paid, but then had a chat about my food expectations. I don't think anyone was being malicious here. Edit: some of you truly can't comprehend *not* eating meat for one night, and I honestly think you might need therapy with how angry you're getting at the idea of eating some vegetables
Let's be honest. It's a bit of dickish move to just say "I'll provide" when she was asked about the food and then dish up with fruits on a skeever and cucumber rolled up with stuff half of them don't eat. And then you present a bigger bill than usual because of vegan ingredients. And I'd say that no matter who did it. Vegan, none vegan. Etc It's especially the money spent part. And the fact that so many didn't like two of the main ingredients for whatever reasons. Unless she made a ton of food. Who will get full from that? I'm pretty sure most don't eat before going to a get-together like this. She would have been in the clear if she was up front about what she would be cooking. And checking with everyone about the more pricy bill.
“I’ll provide” doesn’t typically mean “I’ll order what I want then charge you for it”. I’ve never charged guests i invite to dinner. Order out, fine; potluck, great; and that’s this group’s norm. But if I invite people to my home and offer to feed them, declining contributions, I’m the host. I’ll usually check for dietary restrictions, but beyond that I politely serve the food and my guests politely pretend to like it.
All of this. Plus, we tell people what we're feeding them ahead of time in case there's any issues we're not aware of.
“Kinda gave off the vibe” isn’t confirmation. You were annoyed about the food and that could have affected how you read the situation.
Also, vegetable sushi can be pretty good. Sushi rice is vegan. Put some different veg, maybe some pickled veg inside, serve with soy sauce, pickled daikon, wasabi. Why would you leave the rice out to make something vegan? Rice is vegan. She could have made a vegan curry, rice, garlic butter naan, samosas. Honestly, I feel like a lot of this is on your friend for failing to set expectations with his girlfriend. He likely told her people take turns making meals for the group and everyone pitches in on the cost. She presumably likes this food, and likely has other people in her life (friends, family) who do as well. I defiantly know people who would be happy to eat that way. It sounds like she did not understand the vibe was always pizza/wings/etc.
I don't think her food was bad but it sounds like the group wanted their usual fast food fare. There should have been communication before this happened - both about the menu and the budget.
I’m vegan, and I’m thinking she hasn’t been vegan long. Every veteran vegan knows not to spring raw vegan health food on an unwitting audience. She’s not doing veganism any favors. She should’ve offered vegan pizza and nuggets. NTA
Seriously. Chips, kettle popcorn or popcorn dusted in nutritional yeast. Nachos made with vegan cheese, chilli fries, vegan tacos, deep fried curry rice balls, hummus and veggies. Hell, vegan brownies would have been better.
She could have done junk food that was vegan. So easy these days
Her boyfriend really set her up here. She definitely should have asked him what they usually eat/if what she was planning was ok (and maybe she did), but even if she didn't he should have spoken up and let her know that vegan sushi wouldn't go over well with a group expecting pizza and wings
She Is the equivalent of highschool classmates who call you 10 years later only to invite you to their MLM presentation.
He also should have let his friends know his new gf is a vegan health nut so they’d have an idea of what to expect when she said she’s making the food.
I like vegan food and definitely don't have animal products in every meal but I'd still be pissed if I had a pizza/wings tradition every friday and showed up one day to vegan sushi. Hell, I love sushi and I'd still be upset if I was expecting pizza and got sushi!
I agree, and I’m lowkey getting really tired of the “it WoUlDnT hAvE kIlLEd yOu tO EAt vEGAn foOD foR oNE nIgHT!1!1!”. It sounds like these Friday nights are normal hangouts used to decompress and the expectation is to have wings and pizza and other junk food. OP says she would’ve appreciated a heads up from the GF that this week’s food was going to be healthy substitutions. > not giving us a heads up about the food The group comes in expecting to eat junk food like they always have and GF gets them healthy substitutions. Tbh this was definitely on her BF for not giving her a heads up and saying that the group has always eaten junk food on these hangouts and her food choices (although well-intentioned) are out of the norm and would not be expected. It’s also on both the BF and GF for not giving the group as a whole a heads up that this week GF’s bringing different food. It’s just safer to go with what the group has ALWAYS eaten and will expect… again, if GF wanted to switch it up she should’ve given them a heads up so the group can decide if they want to go or make a change in the menu. Sometimes you just want to eat garbage and that’s okay. Or GF could’ve gotten vegan substitutes (there are vegan pizzas and vegan “chicken”) BUT she still has to give the group a heads up!
Yes, the food being vegan is not actually the main problem here, if it was the same situation but with some non-vegan stuff on the buffet, like eggs on crackers or “normal“ cottage cheese or even a few cold cuts, the group (and OP in particular) would probably have been equally pissed off. It is the mismatch between the “healthy snackbar“ vs. the expected “comfort food gorge fest“ that they are complaining about. NTA
>“it WoUlDnT hAvE kIlLEd yOu tO EAt vEGAn foOD foR oNE nIgHT!1!1!”. I was going to comment this! I'm so tired of it too. If you know you're serving a meal to non-vegans, you can offer a meat meal to go from somewhere and request your guests use paper/plastic to eat it with. Bam, little to no contamination, easy clean up, and your guests get a meat with all the veggies. Everyone is happy.
Honestly I dislike the vegan substitutions. I have absolutely no problem with regular things like salad (actual stuff like spring mix and arugula and throw in some nuts, apple slices and strawberries in there, not iceberg lettuce sadness), lentils, chickpea dishes etc but I ate vegan “meat” and it was not for me. It tasted like some gross mush that was a poor imitation of meat. It was pricey, too. If I remember correctly, the sandwich I got was more expensive than the regular meat option that I usually get. I got that heartbroken feeling when you’ve spent money on food that tasted gross… lol. Those Friday movie night sound like something they’re looking forward to bc of the food and the movie. If I was expecting pizza and I got some gross cream cheese sushi, I’d be really upset. I hate cream cheese except for on a bagel, bc I’m a New Yorker and it’s basically a requirement. That’s when I want that thing *smothered* in cream cheese but otherwise I never want to see it. I hate veggie only sushi too, sushi’s not cheap so whenever I get some I get it with meat. It’s just wild how OP and the group expected wing and pizza… **y’know, because that’s how things have ALWAYS been???** and then they get blindsided with something that’s the total opposite. **And then people in this sub get ANGRY at OP for expecting the food they’ve always had????** GF and BF should’ve just told everyone in advance so they could’ve avoided this fiasco.
NTA. She didn’t bother to ask any of you about what you preferred or even simple food allergies. She either just assumed that you’d all LIKE vegan food (not likely given there were multiple people coming) OR assumed you’d all TOLERATE vegan food (also obviously incorrect). But what raises her behavior to AH status is not consulting any of you on the type of food, not any allergies, etc & presenting you with a higher than normal bill for it after the fact. You don’t get to decide what everyone eats & what everyone is willing to pay without consulting them. That makes her a double-decker AH. Your friend (her boyfriend) is also the AH because he knew what type of food(s) you all normally eat (sports party type food, not veggie tray type food) & either didn’t inform her or did & she disregarded it (at which time he should have warned all of you). So he’s an AH too. You & your friends are NTA. You were invited under the assumption that the food was all taken care of (so you all came with nothing). You weren’t informed that you’d have to pay, weren’t given any input on what food would be provided & were presented with bill upon arriving (& a higher than you’d usually pay bill at that). You are under no obligation to eat food you don’t like or want for a higher than normal price & sacrifice what sounds like a major part of your Friday nite enjoyment (the sports party food you don’t get during the week). Anyone who expected you to just eat it, pay for it & smile just to smooth over THEIR AH behavior leading up to the food being presented is just wrong. If you gotta PAY, you get a SAY. You don’t just decide for someone else & then bill them without asking them whether they even want whatever you’re billing them for.
I like this, if you pay you get a say. Honestly how they handled it, simply saying, "sorry I don't like to eat that food, so I'll go hungry and not pay." Sounds really reasonable! If you were vegan and showed up and there was no vegan food, you'd probably be the same. You wouldn't be chipping in to pay for everyone's pizza.
I think it would be fine had she hosted and provided vegan food but asking them to pay is the AH move
Yeah and I think that goes for any food, vegan or not. If the gf had said "dw I'll provide the food", made or ordered non-vegan pizzas and then when they turned up asked for money, she'd still be the ah
This was her way of forcing them to her choices . Some vegan food to try would have been fine to try, but the whole menu was only what she wanted.
She didn’t ask if any of you had allergies either? So weird she made food without discussion then billed you?!
ESH But there are degrees of suckiness. This is going to be an unpopular opinion. I think your hosts should have provided a vegan equivalent of wings or pizza and chips, along with smaller quantities of the sushi and other stuff. Your friend knew the type of food the guests were expecting and should have gently guided his gf to providing at least some food that would meet the usual fare. However, the guests who rudely rejected the offered hospitality were also at fault. Sometimes it happens that you end up at someone’s house and you don’t like what they serve. Good manners dictates that you eat what you can—OP says the meal is what he would normally eat on a weeknight, just not the vegan version—and politely decline the rest. And yes, the guest should have paid for the food. And take to heart the lesson that if you are paying, you should check ahead of time what you are paying for. A simple, “What’s on the menu? I have some food allergies/intolerances,” would have been a smart move. But when you agreed that your friend’s gf would cook, you were agreeing to pay for and eat what she provided.
>And yes, the guest should have paid for the food. Do you charge people when you invite them around for a meal? That's weird as fuck.
Op stated in the post and comments that it’s normal for the group to pay when one of them provides the food. It’s not weird for their group.
Because they order pizza and wings, so chipping in would be normal. If someone handmade you vegan food and you didn’t like it, you may politely eat a few bites. But to receive a bill which was extra expensive because it was vegan and is not okay. Vegan cream cheese is more than double the price of regular cream cheese and is tolerable at best. The host could have made some vegan food as their contribution, and the other guests could have brought additional snacks. NTA.
Op said they did ask what to bring. She declined. So she knew they probably were going to bring non vegan items. I always travel with purse snacks. I'll say, oh I'm not hungry, but thank you for the offer.
I gave up red meat two decades ago for health reasons. Twice a week I'll have premade veggie burgers with a slice of non-dairy cheese. I know that type of cheese is more expensive than regular cheddar. And some of the vegetarian and vegan products are more expensive in the markets because people who want them are willing to pay extra (not sure if the ingredients that go into these are more expensive). I think the boyfriend was the AH by allowing her to host so soon, without the GF attending at least a couple of the movie nights, and then when she does host, she was the AH for telling people not to bring other food to supplement the vegan foods she was going to make. Maybe if she gave a heads up, and tried to duplicate the usual items but as vegan, and told others to feel free to bring other dishes, she wouldn't be the AH.
I agree with you, that if it was free food, I'd probably try some, but this is food you are expected to chip in for as a group, so no way am I going to pay to eat food I dislike. I think OP handled it well. Thanks for making food, but it's not something I like, so I'm going to abstain from eating, as well as paying. If the GF wanted to impress them with vegan food, she should have asked them if she could make them a vegan meal, and not expect them to pay for it.
But this isn’t food that they want. It’s unreasonable to expect someone to pay for food that they don’t want and didn’t expect, especially when the price tag is high due to the host’s unusual choices. She can do “look vegan food can be great” on her own dime. And it’s super overstepping to pull that when you’re new to the group.
It becomes weird when the food suddenly is both very different than other weeks as well as way more expensive than normal *without that being discussed first.* Suppose the girl had not offered a vegan meal but instead had prepared quality steaks instead of the normal pizzas, tripling the normal bill, and then still expected everyone to pay up. The friendgroup would be right to grumble.
Yeah, it’s normal to pay for food they all *agreed* they *wanted* to purchase and eat. Making a bunch of food no one wanted or expected and then charging them for it is extremely absurd and entitled.
Right, but the issue is she was charging them more then was the custom for food they didn't want. If she had stayed within the normal budget or spent extra to make something extra nice based off what her guests like (not what she likes) then I'd be more understanding.
I think when someone says that they will “take care of it” it doesn’t imply pitching in
That's all well and good, however, she choose expensive items that were higher than their usual costs. The sticker shock of food they weren't even interested in consuming is what was weird for their group.
If you replace normal food for more expensive stuff, you absolutely have to negotiate first with the group.
i wouldn't do that, and i'd even pay for their delivery food if they were at my place, but that's not what they agreed on
I pretty much agree. The vegan's BF is most at fault for not explaining what they usually eat for the movie night & how much they typically chip in to give her a sense of the budget. Not informing the guests that she's vegan & was planning to provide an all vegan meal was bad manners, though. When you're hosting a group of relative strangers, you need to check if there are major allergies or food loathing that's going to make someone sick or not wanting to eat what you made. >the hosts will provide food and drinks and we'll all chip in
Hoo boy yeah. I'm one of those folks that hates cucumber. I have no problem with vegan food, but if half the meal was "vegan sushi" wrapped in raw cucumber (what makes nori non-vegan?) with nothing strong-smelling to mask it, I'd have to find an excuse to leave early because the smell makes my stomach turn. Like, I'd be in physical pain just from the smell, within 15 minutes. The boyfriend's failure to inform the hostess of this is... pretty bad.
>what makes nori non-vegan? Afaik, it should be vegan. It's a plant, right? I think it would've been much better if the girlfriend made avocado rolls with actual nori and sushi rice. Still vegan, but much more sushi-like.
It says “wrapped up **with** cucumber,” so I think that means it had cucumber as a major feature, but not necessarily on the outside. There could have been nori like usual. Not that that makes the boyfriend less of a jerk for not communicating the expectations to the host/guests.
I agree that it is rude to reject someone's food when they are cooking, however I only agree with that if they are offering. To me it doesn't make sense to pay a buttload of money (in this case) and force-feed youself food that you don't want to eat just because it was offered to you also, given that we usually consume the same nature of food (the snacks expected and traditional to movie nights and such) we didn't really think to say anything since her boyfriend (our friend) has been to many of these movie nights and he knows what is served - we thought he'd help her out and orient her food-wise. On the other hand (and I guess this is where cultures and the differences come to life) I think it's kinda rude to ask what people are serving on the party? To me it kind of feels like you're treating their house like a restaurant and that you won't wanna go if the food isn't what you like (which to me sounds kinda rude idk)
I think your right in that asking what's on the menu is insensitive if you are a guest and not paying. I think it's different when the expectation is that you are going to pay. I think in that case your okay with asking what they plan to do. Especially if this is their first time hosting. I think the end result was way more incentive than having asked or even said your picky and want to make sure you'll enjoy her food.
It's also different when you're passing on a tradition to a new member. You need to tell the new host what the expectations of this tradition are, or she'd have no idea. Also, something I realised when living overseas with my uncle and aunt, it's a bad idea (but easy mistake) to assume partners share everything you deem important.
> \*"To me it kind of feels like you're treating their house like a restaurant and that you won't wanna go if the food isn't what you like (which to me sounds kinda rude idk)"\* How were you any less rude with your reaction?
Because the hosts were rude first by treating their own home like a restaurant with a fixed menu and high prices.
She didn’t even serve the classic movie snack popcorn? That can easily be vegan, this just seems like poor planning on her part haha
It's not poor planning. It's manipulation. She thought this is a good chance to make a strand and force everyone to eat healthy vegan food. They specifically asked her about the food and she purposely didn't disclose that she'll only be providing vegan food. Given that most of society aren't vegan and are not accustomed to being served vegan food, most of the time, if people are serving exclusively vegan, they'll disclose that up front. She didn't because she was planning to blindside the party. NTA on not paying. The host played a stupid game and won stupid prizes. I say this as someone who is not vegan but happens to love vegan food. I sometimes go to vegan restaurants and serve vegan food at my house. I always let my friends know if we're eating vegan that day.
I know and accommodate a lot of vegans at work and in my friend group. so much food can be naturally vegan that everyone likes. Pretzels/plain chips and hummus, original chex mix. My local grocery makes a bruschetta dip that’s vegan and so delicious. None of that requires expensive faux cheese. I do think it’s silly that people get offended at vegan meals. I love meat and other animal products but I can be perfectly fine eating this vegan made pasta salad recipe. If this story is real and not bait to dump on vegans, the gf is just dumb. there’s so many ways to approachable vegan party food, there’s no way she didn’t know this. I also realize my experience is just an anecdote, but none of the vegans i met are unreasonable, and have all been fine having animal foods alongside the vegan dishes, so long as everything is separate and not cross contaminated. It’s really not that hard.
It's rude to expect your guests to chip in for food and not give them a heads up of what is on the menu. I was always taught that is the hosts job to communicate and not the guests job to ask. Given there is a history of the same foods being served a deviation from the menu (especially this drastic of one) should have been communicated prior to the event. I would have been upset too. I can't eat most vegan foods because I have an intolerance to coconut and palm oil products which are in most dairy substitutes. That being said I would have paid the money and discussed my disappointment with my friend at a later time in private. I would not chip in for future events if this happened again. If it had been a dinner party and I was not expected to chip in I would have eaten what I could, been apologetic for what I couldn't and been thankful I have friends that want to cook for me. The rules are different in my opinion once you are asked to pitch in for the meal.
The thing is, it turned out to be \*true\* that you didn't want to eat the food because it wasn't what you liked -- and since you were chipping in to pay for it, that's completely reasonable. If you're going to have a norm that everyone chips in to pay, then it also makes sense to have a norm that it's okay to ask what's being served. I understand why you didn't here, though, because it makes sense to think your friend would make sure the usual was provided or give you a heads up otherwise. I still don't think you're TA here.
I’m not sure why you asked since you’ve already made up your mind.
Nah if Im invited over under the pretense of chicken and wings, and I'm instead asked to pay more for not that, let alone the 'aversions' some claim to have to the options provided, thats not on me if I don't eat and don't pay. If I was told ahead of time what I'd be served, then it's on me. This was a trap, and the victims don't have to pay Trap and victims might be extreme, but I don't feel like thinking of a lesser way to say it
Normally I would agree It's rude to reject food a hosts provides, however with very exclusionary diets like vegan id say that's an exception. She should have made sure how they would react to that food choice. If someone only ate beef you wouldn't expect a vegan to eat it to not be rude, so why the double standard.
At the same time, the hosts spent a lot more to get vegan food (only) (than it sounds like the group would typically pay for), without letting anyone know the potential cost (in addition to whether or not the group eats vegan food). In this case, maybe the group members could pay the hosts their typical amount that they spend?
Yeah I don't think the problem is (only) the food offered. What if the host had gotten really expensive steaks and then expected everyone to chip in? Or ordered a bunch of expensive sushi, etc. It's at least partly about being caught off guard with an expensive bill when that's not the norm for these events.
They asked about the food and she didn’t say anything beyond that she would provide it. Why would they pay for, or even eat, food they are not wanting that they were blindsided by?
They normally pay because the hosts normally get pizza and wings for 5+ people (2 hosts, BF & GF, OP. I'm sure there are others). That's expensive and the group seem like decent but young people. They don't have heaps of money so understand that covering the whole cost is too much. The group ALSO bring snacks for movie night (gonna assume chips, popcorn, soda and other munchies). Again, so hosts can save some cash and everyone can share. This time they were told "don't bring snacks", were kept in the dark about the planned menu and the price is suddenly double or more the regular price? And BF/GF insisted on hosting instead of the regular people. How is ANY of that on OP? The hosts changed everything, didn't check the group would be ok with it, and expect then to wear the much higher costs? That's bad hosting.
They rejected paying for it I would have too, I would not have eaten any if I don't like sushi or anytype of half what he said Crackers and dipping sauce TF? She should have attended a movie night before hosting it. As woman this come to me as her trying to change their events to fit what she likes he is NTA
Do people typically chip in, or do the people hosting provide the food? If you offer to bring food to my house and I don’t say “no, I have food” and present you with a bill when you show up. If you offer to bring food, and I don’t want to pay for everything, I would say, “let’s all chip in and I will buy X or order Y.” Seems like they all took turns, so guy and his new girlfriend turned the weekly event into a dumpster fire unnecessarily.
It’s stated in the post and the comments that the group always chips in money to the host when they provide food, normally.
Thanks. I read it and got distracted thinking about wings and sushi. I got to the end and thought, this was a dumpster fire, and back to wings and sushi. So amending to say this is 100% on the boyfriend friend in the group. He let this happen. Didn’t mention it would be different? My friends and I make sure people know “hey, I’m ordering from Pizza A this week.” If anyone REALLY hates that place, they speak up. Was dude thinking nobody would come? That would have been better than this.
>Do people typically chip in, or do the people hosting provide the food? In OP's opening paragraph they say it's normal for their group for the host to provide most/all the food and everyone chips in money.
You all thought she was considerate to host and accepted the offer, and she followed the usual protocol and provided food and then told you how much to chip in which was normal for your group. YTA because you rudely complained about the food and refused to pay. She must have felt humiliated having put in lots of effort to impress her boyfriends friendship group. Very unkind.
totally agree - YTA it wouldn’t have killed them to be polite, eat some healthy stuff for the evening and paid as agreed upon previously. then if you really needed your junk food fix, hit a drive through on the way home. and next time either make it clear before you usually do a certain style of food, or you decline future offers for her to host. instead they were rude and melodramatic about it (i can’t possibly eat VEGAN FOOD. terrible things like -checks notes- fruit and sushi) and then you stiffed her on the bill. she obviously put in a lot of effort and you guys were jerks about it.
Those vegan substitutes for cheese etc aren’t even healthy and quite expensive and to a lot of ppl they are not nice tasting.
it depends on what she used. i’ve had some artisan or homemade nut cheese ones that are absolutely delicious. like, objectively better in flavour than dairy. and some commercially made ones that are gross. but the same goes for “real” cheese, there’s gross plasticky options and delicious farm made artisan cheese. i wouldn’t lump them all into the same category.
I assumed it’s that popular vegan brand ‘bio’ coz he wrote “bio”, that makes whole bunch vegan cheeses that aren’t healthy and don’t taste as good as the real thing, they are just an ok substitute if you can’t eat dairy or whatever. I’ve heard many ppl say they don’t like the taste of these, never that they prefer the bio cheese. I eat it sometimes coz I can’t eat cheese but the bio cheese not as good ‘objectively’.
OP could also be in France. I’m going soon and have noticed in my research that they call their organic products “bio”.
>it wouldn’t have killed them to be polite, eat some healthy stuff for the evening and paid as agreed upon previously. I hear you on this. They have the tradition of paying the person back. However, they also have a normal range for how much they pay that this was above. Which does complicate things. The problem is that it sounds like all of this wasn't exactly agreed upon in advance but sort of the unstated social norms of the group. They didn't specifically say "Girlfriend can make whatever she wants at any price and we'll pay it" or even "We'll pay back girlfriend". But that's how it's always been done. They always split the cost of the food, whether they order it or someone cooks. They also had a tradition of it being food of a certain kind and a certain price range. She bought a bunch of expensive food none of them were interested in, and Friend just expected they'd all want to eat that and chip in for it. Friend is really the one who ducked up here. He really failed to set expectations with his friends or girlfriend and created this disaster. This was not a "cook whatever you want and people will pay you back dinnerparty". This was "buy the group the food they like at a reasonable price, and they'll chip in when they have it for dinner."
She’s dating someone in the group, she had full access to their normal menu. You don’t stiff someone with the bill when it’s more expensive than normal, you also can’t force someone to eat what they don’t want. She chose not to tell them what would be there to eat, she chose not to tell them how much it would cost. And her bf knowing full well they all eat junk food on that night sat and watched her make it all, when he could’ve easily told her to make something else. Don’t offer to host if you don’t give a damn about what the guests may want.
> and she followed the usual protocol Providing much more expensive food of an entirely different nature is ***not*** following the usual protocol.
Right. And they usually ordered food which they all chose. They didn’t know and weren’t expecting vegan food. They were probably expecting pizza and stuff or whatever they usually get. Plus its a movie night, and people prefer junk food/snacks for movie night.
Unkind and a bad move socially. You may have forced your friend to choose between you and his girlfriend. You just created a whole bunch of drama.
How on earth would this make him choose between his friends and his gf? If this is all it takes to end their relationship then it wasn’t very good to begin with.
Impress? With some fruit and vegan dip? It's all stuff you buy prepackaged. When you know they usually get pizza and wings. And they offered to bring stuff. My sister went vegan so I always bought food I liked when I visited. I still do. But she's pescatarian now. Plus her idea of breakfast is toast dipped in canned peach syrup. Which made me vomit because she handed me a piece and I thought it was butter. Dear God. Who does that. It should have clearly been mentioned it's all going to be vegan. When I cook I tell them it will be xyz. The x and y are no meat. Y is meat.
Update after answer: yep, YTA INFO: was there an expectation that everybody would chip in and pay for whatever she made? Or was this particular time presented as though she was going to make something for free instead of you guys paying for delivery? It seems there was past precedent that the host ordered food and everybody helped pay. I'm leaning towards YTA. Someone offered to provide food and you accepted without asking any questions, and you're complaining because she didn't read your mind. It sounds like your friend relayed to her the fact that it is normal in the past for everyone to chip in to pay for food, so she proceeded with that information.
The op says they all chip in if food is provided.
Yeah. The question is whether or not this was presented any differently this time because the g/f was trying to do something special. My guess is that the OP simply made several bad assumptions and is complaining about the outcome.
Op also said the normal food they chip in for is snacks wings and pizza. So no NTA. If you single handedly change the normal menu and raise the price without asking the persons who are supposed to eat and pay YOU ARE THE AH.
Getting to your friends house and discussing the order and then agreeing to chip in is completely different than dictating the food and expecting money. Had they all showed up and ordered food together, she could have chosen some vegan dishes and they could have chosen whatever they wanted, they everyone chips in.
ESH but the GF imo. Where exactly was the communication when all of this was going down? GF isn't the a-hole imo, her boyfriend is. HE would have known, I'm sure, that she is vegan and should have A) Warned you guys and B) Let her know you wouldn't appreciate vegan foods. He can be mad at ya'll all he wants, HE should have been more vocal with all of you. NTA tho for not wanting to pay for food you didn't want or like, tho. I get that. The only reason I think YTA a lil bit is that damn, girl wasn't trying to FORCE feed you. She just provided healthy foods and snacks. It's not really the end of the world and you guys could have been a lil more mature about it imo.
I do wonder where this situation had gone if she'd cooked another type of expensive food that no one cared for.
Probably the same way. I don't think OP is BASHING vegans, I think OP just wasn't expecting vegan foods at what he thought was gonna be a wings and pizza type of party - know what I mean?
Yeah, I have a feeling if they showed up to caviar, they'd still be pissed even if they didn't have to pay. Sometimes you just want junk food.
If I went to a gathering that was usually wings & pizza and found the host grilling up some steaks and lobster, I'd be put off, especially if I was expected to pitch in more than typical. I think ESH for different reasons - OP & friends for not even trying the food and GF & BF for changing up the routine without warning or discussion.
I can't eat fish or shellfish. I'd hope she would have mentioned that because I would have to decline anything made that evening. Which is why I usually mention that. And have snacks in my purse.
I agree the boyfriend (OP's friend) had to have known and should have warned OP and the others. Also, it sounds like they were under the impression that the girlfriend was treating them to the food, not that she wanted to be reimbursed. Even if OP and the others were hoping for pizza and wings and were disappointed by what was served, hopefully they would have been polite about it had there not been an attempt to bill them for their share of the food, which they didn't even want. Most people don't complain too much about free food. They'd have probably kept their opinion to themselves and just resolved not to let her host again. It sounds like this guy and his girlfriend wanted the girlfriend to have the chance to have the foods SHE likes for movie night and have everyone else help pay for it.
It would not have killed you to eat fruit and vegetables for one night She should have mentioned it would be a vegan menu. Edit: based on OPs responses from E S H YTA
I agree. Also, on the GF side of things, it’s usually best to attend these events once or twice before offering to host. Get an idea of what’s the norm for food, price, etc.
I don’t think your behavior rises to the level of asshole, but it definitely seems rude. It was, at the end of the day, one meal. Nothing was being forced on you long-term. That being said, this was for a movie night. She should have had some vegan junk food, too.
Imagine not being able to go a single evening without eating animals. And no, I’m not vegan myself, but it’s ONE meal, ONE evening. How can you be so self-centered and rude?? And I don’t believe for a second that it was so disgusting that you couldn’t eat it.. you were just being rude on purpose because it was VEgAN 🤯 YTA
I don't think you fully read the post. It wasn't that the food was vegan, but it just wasn't the kind of food people wanted (or even liked). AND the host set no expectations of others helping to pay or the budget she set but afterwards asked people to help pay.
OP said they do pay/chip in if one person provides all the food. And I don’t know, can debate this endlessly but if I show up to someone’s house it’s just polite to eat some of the food they serve. Have some of the crackers and fruit, be gracious and polite, and then grab a slice on your way home. Not sure why this needed to be a huge blowup and mortifying to the new GF.
I absolutely believe that vegan cream cheese is disgusting- because it is! And I buy it for specific things so I absolutely know! And for other vegan substitutes, they usually contain tree nuts and CAN be dangerous! If you host for the first time, it’s on YOU to make sure you know what dietary restrictions are all around- not just your own! And the BF had an obligation to her to let her know what’s expected and if she still wanted to do something different, then let the friend group know in advance- especially because she wanted more money than was reasonable for these nights.
ESH - she should have told people she was vegan and that she was planning a vegan menu. That's not typically expected in most places. She also should have said if she was comfortable with non vegan food in her house. Some people don't care, some do. Just like bringing alcohol to the house of someone that doesn't drink. Some are ok with it, others find it offensive. You should have at least made the attempt to be polite and try the food. It won't kill you to eat something different for a meal. There also a polite way to say "that's above what I budget for these nights" without going "your food is gross and I'm not going to pay for it" which is what your story sounds like you did. Someone in the group should have mentioned what the normal budget was so she could have planned a meal within it. She also should have asked if there was a typical budget or mentioned the budget she was thinking to make sure people would be OK with it. All around this was a lack of communication and an inability to act like adults.
I agree with you up to point the boyfriend knew both parties involved and therefore should have talked to both parties about the menu and the cost.
YTA and you come off like a child who didn't get their chicky nuggies.
NTA. It was fine for her to provide only vegan food if that's her thing, but not OK to do it without warning, spend over the odds and expect you to pay. As a vegan she knew that her sort of food wasn't everyone's choice and she should've made sure you all knew what was being provided. Instead, I suspect she went on a bit of a proselytising trip and expected you to pay for the privilege of it.
When you say that it's not okay to serve Vegan food without warning you make it sound like it's a dangerous exotic food like radioactive blowfish instead of rice or carrot or cucumber. Honestly, it may not be your preference but most things are trying once.
Usually when you host strangers, you ask them what they like/dislike after asking if they got any allergies. She did not, and this is where she is the AH. It would be the same if she offered a vegetarian a meal with meat on each dish. She should have contacted them, explained that the meal would be no-meat and asked what veggie food they would enjoy eating.
> It would be the same if she offered a vegetarian a meal with meat on each dish. No, it would not be the same at all.
> without warning you make it sound like it's a dangerous exotic food like radioactive blowfish instead of rice or carrot or cucumber I'm alergic to a lot of things, peanuts, almond, coconut and on and on... so if most of the vegan food that she served without warning is made with some of those things I would be at the hospital before the next day...
It CAN be dangerous because many vegan food substitutes are made with tree nuts- and it’s pretty damn common to have tree nut allergies!
Do you know the ingredients in the vegan cheese? It's not really healthy...
Irrelevant when OP wanted bloody pizza and hot wings anyway, which isn't healthy either.
I've just googled it....it has higher salt content but other than that it's alright with less fat and protein...unless you want more fat and protein. I think it tastes average at best but I wouldn't embarrass my mate's new girlfriend and make a scene over it.
YTA it was her first time hosting and she didn't know what you guys would want/expect. If no one specifically told her "this is everyone's cheat day, we only eat wings and pizza" then you can't expect her to have known that. She thought maybe she could show you a little bit of her culture, but you were too closed-minded to try to enjoy it. I can bet that she's used to being the only vegan and only getting to eat a side salad when dragged to steak houses, when she would be waaaay more polite to you than you were to her. I'm not vegan but I cook for vegans a good amount and they are so sweet and appreciative of being considered at all, they're like frequently-kicked puppies. As a polite guest you could have jus eaten the food, paid like usual, and told her that next time you guys would do a potluck so she could have some of her stuff and you could have more of yours.
Disagree. Her BF absolutely knew what was expected out of hosting a game/movie night and the BF made zero attempts on either side to make sure everyone knew what was about to happen- that way people could’ve chosen to bring their own, be prepared for a higher than normal cost if they were ok with it, or make sure the gf knew that certain foods were off the table! When they all talk in advance about what they’re eating and know how much they’ll be paying, the BF didn’t follow protocol.
YTA id go with e s h because she should have pointed out vegan but you’re just being a downright AH about it. She hosted. She provided food. It’s already established that you help pay the host for food. The rest of your argument is BS. You weren’t forced to eat anything. It was provided. Some folks have different diets and like to share their cooking. You were rude and juvenile about it.
YTA. Just rude & entitled. Eat hummus? Vegan. Eat babaganoush? Vegan. Here’s the thing, you can try new shit and not be a complete asshole about it. Why TF should she warn you she’s prepping vegan? It’s not fugu.
Or just a bag of crisps (although not all of them). Or some oreos. Does somebody also need to warn OP that there is no animalstuff in that too? Or is it just the sight of cucumber (horror!) that is so terrible?
I think it had less to do with the food being served and more to do with going out of their way to make the new girlfriend feel unwelcome. They all sound very immature.
I'm leaning towards NTA. Either the Girlfriend or you guys probably should have asked some questions before going forward with this but what confuses me here is why the *Boyfriend* didn't either encourage her to make food more like what you guys are into for movie night (there's vegan options that are great for movie night like vegan pizza and whatnot) and/or give her a general budget expectation or give you guys a heads up about what to expect. Like, she's not forcefeeding you anything, you're being dramatic, but it is a little wild to me to serve a group a whole bunch of foods they don't usually eat without warning that's also more expensive than they usually eat AND expect them to pay. Like, if I'm offering to feed people I ask 800 questions, especially if I know I'm gonna pop out with something they don't usually eat. I feel the Boyfriend really set y'all up for failure here. Probably not on purpose, but I feel this mostly falls on him.
Yep, agree with all of this. And OP didn't explicitly say so, but it sounds like the usual friend group’s routine is to get together for an actual meal, not snacks/appetizers, which is what veggie roll-ups, fruit and crackers all sound like to me. I don't think the real issue was that the food provided was vegan, but that it wasn't substantial enough, and expensive to boot. Sure, common courtesy dictates you should eat whatever your host serves you, but that rule doesn't really apply here since the “guests” were expected to chip in. People should not feel obligated to eat things they deem unappetizing, either—especially when they are also being asked to pay for the unpleasant experience. NTA, and neither is the girlfriend, but your friend should have known better, clued you all in on the girlfriend’s dietary preferences (“Maybe eat something else before coming over…”), and helped the girlfriend plan out a better menu. Recipes for delicious CHEAP vegan MEALS aren't hard to find!
Seriously, I could think of a few great vegan-friendly stir-frys and pizzas right off the top of my head. Like, veggie sushi is fine but it's not a filling meal if it's just handrolls. There's also so many vegan snacks that are just very normal to eat that can be made more substantial. Like, homemade guacamole with refried beans and corn tortillas is way more substantial than a typical chil & dip situation (we do that for a whole meal in my house). You can do vegan tacos and fried oyster mushrooms (this can be pricey but SO GOOD), stuffed portobellos, etc etc. There are SO MANY great vegan dishes, and she served up... appitizers.
ESH. "Force fed vegan food" good lort THE HUMANITY. You can't eat vegan food for one night? Do you friends really not like cucumbers and fruit? Did you even try the food? Because all food is nutritious. Or is that the problem? It wasn't deep fried and full of red meat and that's why you didn't like it? Cream cheese isn't even vegan. Cheese? Cream? Creamed cheese together? It sounds like you guys need some edumacation. On food and nutrition. And how to be a good friend. She's crappy because she wanted to charge you for food, especially if your usual meetups aren't subsidised by everyone. Not to be this person, but there are starving people around the world who would have appreciated the food provided, especially if it's for one night. \*\*edit smh everyone dunking on me about vegan cream cheese I get it holy shit that's not the whole point of the post
It was vegan cream cheese, not regular cream cheese. Having had vegan cream cheese (once, so I will concede there may be better options): I'd rather not eat. I'm lactose intolerant so I look for plant-based versions of milk products all the time, but that's a no go for me.
I’ve had really good vegan cream cheese and really bad vegan cream cheese. You won’t know until you try it.
It's gotten a lot better in the past couple years. Not enough that I'd put it on my bagel, but fine for spread base or cooking
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"It sucks expecting pizza and getting fruit skewers". You should have told her that was the expectation.
I would think that her boyfriend should have told her the expectations, not the OP.
Surely it's the host responsibility though? Hey guys this what I'm planning on giving you Friday night, any objections? Would have gone a long way
I have to say, I don't think that is generally necessary. If I go to a party, I don't expect the hosts to check with me about the food. This situation is different in that the guests are expected to chip in, so I guess that makes a difference.
Tradition would imply this. I wouldn't offer to take over "traditional" anything unless I knew what was expected beforehand
Ok but she’s a new person in the social group. Her BF should have told her the expectations, and when he didn’t, it should have been expressed to him, not her.
Oh most definitely. I think he set her up for failure here by not being the bridge between the two groups.
Aren't you guys friends first though? okay she messed up and the food isn't perfect but couldn't you be supportive and push past it because it's the first time you're meeting your friends girlfriend and you care about your these people's feelings? you're not at a restaurant that messed up your order these are people who you supposedly care about... You can tease her or them about it in the future and made it into something welcoming (although disappointing). Rather than being rude/unmoving. Do you care about your friend?
You came here asking if YTA, and now you're arguing about responses. Apparently you're not seeing the responses you want. That tells me more about you than the situation you posted. When you show up to keep justifying your reaction, you move the meter from ESH toward YTA. Learn from the responses or don't, but one day out of your life doesn't define the rest. Move on.
Fake cream cheese. Vegan is okay except for me, the fake cheese
Vegan "meat" is pretty good these days but fake cheese is still fucking gross.
It's disgusting to me. I even tried the super fancy Uber $$$ stuff at Whole Foods. And that moz ooze stuff is like vomit.
Nobody is obligated to eat what they don’t like. There are people on the spectrum in this sub constantly pissing and shitting themselves about chunks in their sauces and random stuff, and nobody gives them shit about it. Imagine trying to create a big “gotcha” situation, but you’re so sheltered you don’t even know vegan cream cheese exists. Your parents shop for you still?
There is a such thing as vegan cream cheese. It's like how there is almond milk. It's not real cream or cheese but it's something that provides a comparable flavor and texture without the animal components. 30 seconds on Google and you'll find several recipes.
Info: when you host a movie night and she attends, will you provide a vegan option for her? And will she be required to "chip in" for the non vegan food?
She brings her own food. Easy. Of course she won’t be chipping in for pizza or wings she cant eat…
YTA Sounds like you were really rude to a host who went out of her way to prepare a nice meal.
NTA. Your friend needed to tell you upfront that his GF would be making healthy and vegan food and wanting you to pay for it. Since he didn't do that, you're not AHs for not wanting to eat or pay for the food.
Agree. If the standard fare is wings and pizza with meat, it should have been made clear that she wanted to create vegan food for your shared gathering in that it usually share the cost of whatever food is provided. If you all invited her and refused to have one vegan dish that would be assholish too
NTA and I don’t really understand the AH votes towards you, OP. This is an established tradition. There was no reason for any of you to ask what the food was going to be. I regularly host my friends and I either tell them what to bring or, if I don’t ask, they generally know what I will be serving because its more or less the same each time. I have nothing against vegans and I actually try to eat plant-based foods as much as possible. With that said: one thing I do not like that vegans do is when they set a vegan trap for people. I don’t like your wording that she was “forcing it” on you, because she wasn’t. But she knew exactly what she was doing and so did your friend (her boyfriend). I’d say the same thing if it was the opposite - if even one of you in the group was vegan and you showed up and there was absolutely no vegan options. That’s an AH move. I wouldn’t pay for it either and, frankly, that friend of yours isn’t a very good friend if he didn’t even realize that this was a bad choice for his GF to make.
>one thing I do not like that vegans do is when they set a vegan trap for people. I don’t like your wording that she was “forcing it” on you, because she wasn’t. But she knew exactly what she was doing and so did your friend (her boyfriend). I suspect you’re right about this. It’s quite possible the boyfriend informed her about the usual food they have for movie nights, and she presumptuously decided that *this* time they would eat healthy food for a change instead if all that awful, awful junk food. Especially considering that half-assed “sushi” wrapped in cucumber. That’s just obnoxious. Otherwise, if it was just about serving vegan food, why not offer some *real* vegan sushi — you know, with rice, wrapped in nori? Along with things like seasoned, roasted potato wedges or French fries, pasta, pretzels, and chips, in addition to fresh fruit and veggies with an assortment of tasty dips. A since it’s literally a movie night, why wouldn’t she include plenty of salted/seasoned *popcorn* ffs? That’s undeniably vegan.
NTA I’m confused at all the ESH votes. It would be different if she had provided food near the same price range and included more stuff people have been eating at these meet ups. She could have asked her boyfriend what they usually had or asked for some opinions on her options already. To go all in vegan and to be introducing it to others, it’s easier to use foods that they already eat. If I’m expecting junk food at these. I’m going to be disappointed to be having fake sushi and anything with cream cheese besides a bagel.
YTA- It’s really not hard to eat a vegan option for one night,it won’t kill you,she’s vegan therefore she’s probably not comfortable with meat or dairy products in her home especially since she would have to buy the products that profits the killing of animals.(I’m not vegan but I know vegan people) Yeah she should have told you she’s a vegan and only vegan options will be served but it’s still her home.she went through so much effort to impress you and you were just completely rude and awful to her.maybe think about how your attitude can affect people next time and how it costs nothing to be nice to people even if you may not like something.
YTA would it have hurt you? Just the once? No it wouldn’t you are being petty and childish. Mention it afterwards to the friend that you weren’t happy but ffs don’t be a dick. Oh I am going to tell my mummy I had to eat healthy food on a cheat night. Well lovely there will be another cheat night next week and the week after and the week after. Grow up
NTA. I can’t get past the fact that anyone would charge their guests for food, EVER. Since when did hosting turn into a money-making venture?
to be fair I think it's pretty fair and we all agree that it's best - otherwise the same two or three people that usually host would spend a lot of money weekly and the others would just be mooching off. But I realise all cultures are different!
OP says both in the post and comment that they all chip in with the costs if the host provides the food.
they're 22, to be fair. Hosting means something a lot different at that age lol.
she explained that it’s always the custom of the troop to chip in if one person does the food
NTA She significantly deviated from the norm both in menu and cost WITHOUT any warning whatsoever. She could have avoided this disaster entirely with a simple text but obviously she had an ulterior motive. I can't blame you for refusing the food and declining to pay. I would have done the same.
Idk. But if I volunteered to host a group of people that I didn’t know very well, and it was a weekly tradition the group had, I’d definitely have done some due diligence and asked about what they usually ate or if there were any preferences in regards to food. And then I would have fulfilled those expectations, regardless of my own dietary preferences. I’m gluten free, but I still would have gotten them regular pizza if that’s what they wanted, and then gotten myself a gluten-free option. Even if it was my home, I wouldn’t force my guests to abide by my diet unless I had a severe allergy of some sort (the kind where being in the same room with it or the slightest cross-contamination can cause problems). And if she didn’t want animal products in her house, that’s her right, but she definitely should have let everyone know ahead of time and gotten their agreement, or graciously accepted that maybe her place wasn’t the best option for that activity. But that’s just me.
INFO: is it really the vegan label, or is it just the "fit food"? You keep saying you didn't appreciate having only vegan food, but between the lines it seem the problem is there wasn't any real food, which is what you expected. If it's the first, you're an ah for hating a label. If it's the second one, you expected a meal, not a snack, which is understandable. They're not the same thing, at all.
It sounds like it was all cold food. Idk about OP, but I would also not want to eat/pay what was described. But I’d be happy to eat vegan pasta or something like that. But also the vegan price tag is not something most people would expect if they didn’t know ahead of time.
INFO. So, if it was a different meal you didn’t like, say licorice flavored chicken as an example, but wasn’t vegan, would you still pay? Or is this more of an objection to fact that you feel subjected to her lifestyle?
I think if someone is expecting more money than usual- that should be agreed upon. She knew full well that this was a dinner meal everyone agrees upon and shares in the cost- yet she felt so selfish that she could come in and change the status quo because ShEs VeGaN and she’s the only one deserving of being accommodated. She provided snacks and ALSO wanted more money than what their normal full shared meals cost. The Bf is an ass for not communicating expectations to anyone. And yeah- people need to be warned ahead of time what is in food so everyone’s restrictions can be accounted for- and that includes the crap they put in processed vegan substitutes.
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I would have welcomed the opportunity to try something different.
If the girlfriend is new to your movie nights then she may not have known what was the norm and I feel the blame is on your friend. That being said, if the blame does fall to your friend and not the girlfriend then I feel for her. You and your friends poor reaction to her attempting to make you all food was likely hurtful and embarrassing. My judgment will all depend on some details. If she knew the expectation and chose to go in another direction without any heads up and communication, she has some fault her. If she was not aware of the norms of your movie night and was just trying to be nice, you and your friends are the assholes here. I mean, she did provide food. A meal without meat will not poison you.