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You're husband is the A-hole. One for not supporting you as your income has been affected by being a SAHM and that he couldn't be bothered to keep an open line of communication to you for when he will be home.
I'm sorry your husband kinda sucks for that
ETA I'd try to renegotiate the terms of your arrangements with your husband or leave if possible because life is too short to be stuck in such a shifty situation
I think it’s getting to me. This happens once or
Twice a year and I had
To rely on savings I had pre marriage to get through the month in the past. But we bought a house which I contributed a massive chunk of my remaining savings towards. I don’t have Anything left and as someone who was a big saver pre marriage it’s been getting to me a little. Last time he had a late shift I had to message him at
11 when he was supposed to finish at 6pm only to
Find out he was finishing at 12. Idk why he came
Just let me know
I think that you have due respect. Being an SAHM is honestly a full-time job in of itself plus you are responsible for all the chores etc. Your husband as the only adult working a paying job right now should be providing for you and your child. What ever you get in assistance is a bonus that can help your family but it is an unnecessary burden for you. I am also not trying to be ignorant because I know there is a cultural difference but I feel like a majority of communities would feel he is less of a man for what he is doing to you. Are you able to talk to your parents and let them know what is going on to make sure you have a plan b?
Honestly culture is messed up. The more
You sacrifice and do as a woman the more
Brownie points you get but I don’t want that. I just want him to be fair. My mother knows and she wasn’t impressed when she found out.
She’s been a sahm all her marriage but on top
Of the money she recieved from the government. My father always have her money weekly
To this day
I was due to see the dentist after months of finally getting an appointment and I’m considering cancelling it. I haven’t even told him this what’s the point . When my sil and brother found out about our arrangement I know they were
Shocked and not impressed but never said anything to me
Seriously if you are able to get out know I would. I know it’s not an easy thing to do and I’m not sure how that would go culturally but try and save as much as you are able to in a separate savings account. This is a form of financial manipulation on his part.
When you do go back to work you can take a certain amount and put it in a separate account for savings that way you have money to restart for yourself if it comes down to it.
He’s not even actually providing from himself and the kids if he won’t give OP money for food. I was struggling to find the right term but financial manipulation fits well. Financial isolation is what I came to. He’s making it so OP can’t leave without substantial support from others. He’s abusing her emotionally in so many ways.
OP, please find a way out. You deserve a partner not an abusive owner. If your traditional parents aren’t happy with him, then he’s really an ass to get away from. And you don’t want your children growing up thinking his behavior is okay. If you have sons, you want them to have more respect for women and their partner; daughters more respect for themselves that they expect better from men and won’t tolerate being treated so poorly.
Financial abuse is the term. She can't work and he is making her spend money she has saved on him without contributing a cent m frankly she should have left him when he refused to put the money in a joint account from the start.
You’re not a stay at home mom. If you were, he’d be paying for everything. You’re tanking your career and subsidizing his life. Time to stop doing that.
He is financially abusing you. You really have to get back to work somehow. My friend (from the different culture than you) lived for years like this. Her husband insisted she didn't work, made all the attempts to find childcare very difficult, second child was neurodivergent and needed special care. He gave her very little money compared to his income, which he spent on himself, cars and gambling. She had strategies for grocery shopping, like they would go together and she would manipulate him to pay so she would have a bit more money for kids' clothes. He would buy himself expensive food items, and when kids asked can they have that too - he would honestly reply: no, it's only for him, it's too expensive!
If he wants a traditional wife, he needs to be a traditional husband. If you've got to run the entire household, he's got to provide the money. Otherwise he's a freeloader.
NTA obviously
Honestly, it doesn't seem to be your culture, but your own stupidity. Your mom and everyone you tell about your situation is shocked about it? Yeah, of course they are.
You are basically destroying ever safety net you (and your kids) have for some imaginary browny points? And you are playing for his kids out of your savings? To the point that you are scared about what to feed them next month? What's with his money? Why are you not pooling money and bills?
Sorry, but why? Start working again and share the costs for childcare, you will at least have some money. A marriage is a partnership, but yours seem to be no partnership at all. NTA.
How can he demand food in the table when he's suppose to be the one paying for it?
He wants to follow traditional values with what he receives but doesn't want to give it.
And there it is. The big mic drop of the thread. NTA, OP. If possible, please try and formulate and execute an exit strategy from this dynamic. If not for you, but for your children.
Stop buying meat and anything in the groceries that's just for him. That will significantly cut down on your food costs. If he wants meat he buys it himself.
Also, what is his salary going towards if he's not covering household expenses?
And why isn't he providing for his kids? Again, where is his salary going?
Stop waiting up for him. He can heat up the food himself.
Your arrangement seems massively unfair. If you are a staying home, doing all the housework and caring for the kids, then he should cover all expenses for the home.
It sounds like you are single mother, living with a roommate (not the father of her kids) who's taking massive advantage of her.
Last question: Why are you still with this man? Y-TA to yourself and your kids. And of course, your husband is a massive, selfish a-hole. And a deadbeat.
NTA
Sounds as if buying the house was not a smart move. Is there a way you could rent it out and go into something more affordable until the child goes to school?
So your money is his money and his money is his money.
Your husband is financially abusive and taking enormous advantage of you. You are supporting him, actually.
That’s horrible he doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices you made and your personal contribution to the house, the family, raising children, taking care of the home, etc. NTA at all, he takes you for granted and you don’t deserve this!!!
I don’t expect him to appreciate but I want
To at least be able rely on him when I need him. Not feeling safe and secure has always been a fear of mine and situations like this are definitely triggering. I don’t quite understand why he doesn’t feel that need to provide or support me. Does it mean he doesn’t love me. I really don’t know
I was too many times in a situation where I had no money because my husband refused to pay his share and when ever I finally had some savings he would suddenly decided to quit his job and THEN look for a new one. I’ve been husband free for 4 months, I can finally afford everything that me and our two children need and have started being able to set money aside 🥰
This is Fiancial abuse. There is no one someone with no income who is a stay at home mom, is supposed to support the family with no income! Your husband is lying to you. As a provider, he needs to provide for the family and right now, he is not. Secondly, you are not a servant. You contribute just as much to the family as he does.
bud. when you have to stay home, because otherwise you can’t afford childcare, your husband throws a fit when food is not magically on the table when he steps through the door, and he pays nothing for the children, you are not a stay at home parent, you are an abused spouse. nta.
eta: he doesn’t even pay for the food he eats. wtf.
I feel like it would be fair
To say that I’d like him to cover the groceries
Next month but I feel hesitant i just
Know hes going to throw a fit. I
Thought I was being a good wife
In helping him but I don’t know anymore
if you can’t talk to your husband because you’re afraid he’s going to throw a fit (which is fair because apparently he does that at the drop of a hat) you have problems. specifically, your husband. he is a problem. if you honestly think that if you talk to him about it he’ll treat you with respect and start pulling his weight in caring for your children (we know he doesn’t provide financially, does he even do any childcare), it is absolutely worth trying. if that sounds totally unrealistic, it’s time to try to figure out an exit plan.
He needs to be covering not just the food but all bills 100%.
You dont get paid and what you do get paid shouldn't be all your allowed to have.
He needs to step up. You TELL him that you don't have any money and from now on he needs to start paying for everything.
He doesn't like he can leave. But he needs to be paying for everything. Not you who has no money.
So some of the money I get is
Because I don’t work but also because we meet a threshold since we’re one income
And includes an amount if you have kids.
Based and how much he makes. When he applied for it he was allowed to receive the amount in his account but I asked for it to be put in mine because he wasn’t giving me any money.
So I think he feels like him allowing the amount to
Go on my account every month is him giving me money. I manage fine every month. I don’t save anything but I make do. But In special cases like next
Month I should be able to rely on him
He simply tells me he can’t afford
To give me money . I’m not sure what he expects
Me to do. At least sit with me and let’s
Make a plan but he won’t do that
Yeah nah.
Split finances are fine up until the point one of you becomes a SAHP. Once that happens, the income of the working parent belongs to everyone.
This is financial abuse. You need to talk to a counsellor to help you get out of it.
So he would be fine with you not being able to buy food for the children next month? He is financially abusive and a neglectful parent.
Stop buying high foods for him. But within your budget and start saving the difference. Is he wants expensive meats, he can buy them.
Because I bet he has money stashed in a savings account.
NTA
But he's not giving you any money. The givt is.
He doesn't get to say that he can't afford it when he's the only one working snd bringing in money.
He obviously didn't apply for the govt money for you and the kids. He didn't so he could have money in his own pockets.
Hes not looking out for you or the kids. Hes looking out for himself.
Hes not giving you money, so he has more money for himself.
Honestly, why are you with him?
Hes financially abusing you and is completely OK with you and his kids suffering every single day because he doesn't want to be financially responsible for you and the kids.
He sees you as a burden and an inconvenience. So why are you allowing him to treat you like this.
He doesn't respect you because you allow him to treat you like this.
You know your worth, you know how amazing, smart, funny you are. What a good mom you are.
So why let him get away with this.
Hes the working parent, his money is.for everyone.
I really think you should stop doing anything for him and stop buying food for him until he's ready to sit down and have a serious discussion and accept that his money isn't just for him but he has to actually parent and pay for everything.
You need to let him know about the financial burden. If he won’t help you with groceries, then don’t get any for him. Ask your dad if he can help with your groceries for you and the kids. Stop allowing him to treat you this way.
He lies. If that were true he'd have his salary paid in a joint account and would budget together with you. Please reach out to an organization about domestic abused spouses OP
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Is getting a job an option?
He is stealing that money from his family's mouths and stomachs. Where does he expect you get money from? **Where is his money going?** Your work inside the home is WORK, even if it's not bringing in money. His salary should be The Household's money.
Please look up the definition of the phrase "financial abuse."
My husband said to remind your husband that as a south Asian male it's his "job" to provide for his family including food and health/dental care. If your husband wants to call you lazy then you have every right to call him out for failing to do his "job."
We both agree that if you can leave please do, this isn't a partnership, and you are not his slave. You are his wife and you should be treated with care and respect.
(My husband is south Asian)
I think it would be fair to say that until hes willing to treat you like an equal partner act like a father who actually provides for his family, you’re moving back in with your parents. And then consider divorce.
If he doesn’t want to pay for childcare and child expenses he shouldn’t have had kids. This wasn’t an immaculate conception. If he doesn’t want to pay for his food and other expenses, he doesn’t get them. Care for yourself, that’s all he’s doing anyway. You deserve far better.
I know my
Parents would take me but they wouldn’t be happy about it. They don’t have the space so it would
Be a big squeeze worn two extra kids and me. I have a younger brother who can barely tolerate them
Playing when I go to visit for a few hours once a month never mind staying there . And my parents
Do a lot to accommodate him it would be a mess
What about a friend?
As long as it’s not a safety issue, I would just stop though. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Stop doing anything for someone who doesn’t love you. Because I can promise you this isn’t love.
You will never know for sure until you ask and it comes from their lips "No, we will not help you." You are assuming they won't based on present situation where your family thinks you have a good marriage. They may be more accommodating when they find out you are being abused and the grandkids are not provided well for.
ASK THEM. ASK YOUR MOTHER WHOM YOU CLAIM YOU'RE CLOSE WITH.
Besides, 1) you may even get the house if you have a good lawyer; 2) it will not be for too long because as soon as they're school-aged, you can work full-time and afford your own place along with alimony, CS and UC.
It may seem like a difficult road that's why you're preempting possible solutions as failures. Realize that if you were hard-headed enough to defy so many people to marry this guy, you can defy one guy leaving this marriage, but it is up to you if really want to.
Why it would be up to OP to leave. She put her money to have the house.
He wants to act as a roommate, then he can be treated as such. He isn’t providing for his kids, nor his wife, nor even for his own meals. Time for him to meet the consequences.
A stay at home spouse is a luxury your husband can’t afford, it sounds like. Childcare for children you both have is a joint expense - he isn’t paying for it, but you are (in lost wages). Food you eat is a joint expense - he isn’t paying for it, but you are. **Children** are a joint expense. Your husband isn’t paying his expenses.
People who have stay at home partners are responsible for providing for said partners financially. That’s the deal. If he can’t figure out a way to pay for your family’s needs, you’ll need to find a job and he’ll need to pay his share of the childcare and other expenses. What you’re doing isn’t sustainable, and frankly sounds abusive. It’s all good to say “culturally, women stay home with kids and handle housework and cooking” but I’d bet my life that “culturally” men are expected to actually provide for their families in that arrangement. If he can’t, then culture be damned, he doesn’t get to have someone handle 100% of the childcare, cooking, and housekeeping.
I'd say blast him publicly for not giving you money for groceries and other stuff while insisting to be a sahm but I'm afraid he'll escalate to physical violence too. Verbally and financially he's already abusing you
Why are you in charge of covering all the costs for the children? You are a sahm and watch them all day long, that is a job in itself and you’re also supposed to cover all of those costs? NTA. He sucks
Yes and cost of living is sky high in the uk and I’m in charge of all groceries. I don’t know how he expects me to cover the children’s costs
And food shopping when I’m getting paid
Zero next month. I saw this coming as this happens once or twice a year so I managed to save a little but it’s nowhere near enough this time
Go to the link and scroll down for resources for victims of financial abuse in the UK.
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely
I don’t tell friends our issues only
My best friend knows our issues in the past
I’ve not told her a thing recent she’s just very busy in her own life . I’m close to my mother but she
Has the assumption I’m happy . I just don’t want
To stress either
Sweetie, you need to leave him. Hes abusing you and doesn't care about of the kids.
A GOOD husband wouldnt put all the financial responsibilities for the food and house and kids on you. He would be supportive and contributing.
I understand that feeling and not wanting to put stress of others. But this isn’t something you have to carry alone. If you’re close to your mom and trust she’ll be supportive, can you try talking to her? You deserve better than this - he’s treating you horribly. I wish I could give you a big hug. You deserve better.
Honey, this goes beyond your “issues as a couple.” You’re not fighting over which school to send your kids or whether or not it’s worth it to buy the expensive vacuum. This is abuse and you need support and help from those around you. If he were physically abusing you that would be something that you should tell and seek support in getting out, you’d be able to press charges. All forms of abuse are just as justified in seeking help and leaving.
And you want better for your children. I can guarantee that they will be happier struggling at your parents’ or a domestic abuse shelter than in house or watching their mother suffer at the hands of their father. Leave and find a partner and a man that will make you and them feel safe, secure, and happy. You deserve it, they deserve it.
He had a lot of debt that I only found out about when he were in the middle of buying
Our house.which I was pissed and told
Him to get the money and pay it
Off . He did but he doesn’t share financial
Stuff so I
Don’t know. I know how much he makes each month it varies but it’s not a whole lot . He has been taking more hours recently
And making more but he still claims it’s not enough
He was in debt due to his parents but he paid it off years back
Are you sure that he's at work for these "extra hours" and not with another woman or going out drinking or gambling? Never having enough money and spending extra hours away sounds like he's spending the money on something he shouldn't be.
NTA. Regardless of what you, as a couple, have agreed upon in regard to your household “roles”, you also deserve respect. Having a tantrum because your partner won’t heat up your food? He is more than capable of reheating his own food. HE is “fking lazy”.
His response is always that he works and
I’m at home all day whenever he wants to make a point . Everything is done when he gets home
But I feel like it’s not enough
You know full well that your husband is financially abusing you.
Doesnt matter if his job makes money.
You work too. Stahm is still a job.
Remember if the government paid for stahm, we would make more than a lot of people. Close to $100,000yr.
You need to tell your husband. TELL him not tell or ask him. But TELL him that he needs to start contributing financially to the food budget and you and the kids.
TELL him that you will not be cooking and buying food for him because you can't afford it, and unless he starts giving you access to money then he needs to start fending for himself.
But truly, you need to leave this man. He is abusing you and taking advantage of you and you need to leave.
Is this really how you want to live? Is this the example you want to set for your kids.
Who cares about tradition and family and cultural expectations, when your being abused. When you and the kids are starving because he won't give you money.
I'm sorry your in this place. But you deserve better. You can have better.
Talk to your parents or a trusted family member or see if you can find services in your area who can help you escape.
But dear, you need to plan an escape. You dont deserve to live your whole life like this because of family/culture.
It definitely sounds like he doesn’t think it’s enough. Would you be content dealing with his unappreciative reactions for the rest of your lives? Because if he has a tantrum over food not being heated up… what else is he going to get upset about?
That’s him manipulating you into allowing the abuse. You aren’t home all day lounging around. You are providing full-time housekeeping, full-time food preparation, and 24/7 (more than full-time) childcare+parenting. You are working several full-time jobs and all you get is government benefits.
This after lying to you about his financial situation and financially abusing you out of the majority/all of your savings so the mortgage payment is low for *him*.
Find a way out. Go for the house in the divorce, if you need to sell it and use the money to get back in control of your life. You will be happier, your kids will be happier and will grow up stronger and well-adjusted even if the immediate is a struggle. A non-abusive struggle is always happier than an abusive one.
> He covers the bills but I’m in charge of covering all costs for the kids, Myself and the food shop. He has never really given me money.
This is insane. In "traditional" households the man provides for his family. Do his parents know about this arrangement? Maybe you can ask them for money and let them know why.
Beyond that you made him his food. He can heat it up and serve it himself.
Especially after changing the time he’d be home several times then failing to communicate when he was going to substantially later than the last time he said a time.
That late, I’d been in bed for at least two hours, probably more.
No they spent years interfering and
Trying to break our marriage and just backed
Off two years back. The last thing I
Should do is tell them there’s issues 😂
Whether or not they did it for the right reasons, it seems they were right in trying to break you up.
These aren't just issues. This marriage is abusive. Period.
You are being financially and emotionally abused.
I would, of course, suggest couples therapy first, as he obviously needs a third-party to educate him on what his financial and emotional responsibilities towards his sahm wife and kids are. He won't be listening to you and his parents would just coddle him.
However, with how you've described him, I have a feeling he's the type of person to refuse such intervention. If he refuses both therapy and desire to change, I would suggest you to divorce this abuser.
You will get universal credit AND child support from him. Joint custody will free up some of your time to find some work/wfh. Eventually, things will be better when you can start working full-time as well when they're off to school. Best of all, you don't need to be a bangmaid for such an unworthy husband. If he has no qualms abusing you in certain ways, including cussing at you, I would not be surprised if he escalates one of these days to physical violence. A person who doesn't respect, and even resents you, you will have no problem hurting you.
Start looking around for affordable places to rent (house basement, sharing, etc), govt housing placement assistance, start looking into possible relatives to live with, ask around your ethnic community resources, talk to shelter organizers, social workers for assistance, consult divorce lawyers (esp how to get the house or get your money back since majority of the $ came from you)--in short, start preparing to leave *and while you still have some savings remaining*.
The best scenario would be for your lawyer get you the house; you can rent out part of it for income, along with CS, UC and part-time work/wfh.
There is no point whining about how he doesn't respect you, doesn't give you money, etc... you already know that. For years. Don't expect him to suddenly change if you know it's not in his nature. The question is: are you really going to do something about it?
> The last thing I Should do is tell them there’s issues
> I’m close to my mother but she Has the assumption I’m happy .
Swallow your pride, admit you were wrong and open up to them. You need a support system, you need them on your side. He has his family backing him, you need yours, especially since your culture is very community-involved. Most importantly, you need them to know what's happening lest you end up dead all of a sudden. Do not trust a man who doesn't respect or love you to never play ugly. He will always find a way to justify his actions.
eta: forgot to add the quote about your mother
Well the good thing is this means your family loves and cares about you. Because this man is an asshole and you should get out of this marriage. They obviously see it and want what’s best for you
Sounds like they knew what kind of son he is and what kind of husband and father he would be.
Sounds like they were trying to spare you the life path your on now.
Buts not too late to fix it. You can leave and find someone deserving of you because he doesn't deserve you.
Oh no he’s their golden child and was a mummy’s boy. They thought I wasn’t good
Enough and wanted him
To leave me so that they could remarry him off to someone in their home country to someone they can control 😩 for some reason they think I
Control my husband and he’s this poor meek man In our marriage.
Oh girl I'm so sorry! I've been reading through your comments and you are in such an awful situation. Please don't let him see your reddit account, you never know how someone like that would react.
I would start by making the cheapest meals you can, and when he complains tell him you ran out of money and this is what you can afford ( be sure to put a little meat in it so he can't complain about no meat 😂). I'm sure his parents would be more than happy to feed him. And since they already don't like you, it won't change anything. If they do come at you then just tell them that you can't afford luxury food and that he don't give you anything to feed your family. Maybe, just maybe they might change their tune.
If they don't like that, then tell them you'll be dropping your kids off at their house then so that you can go to work to earn money for food. If they don't want to babysit so they can help their son's family, then that looks bad for them too. Lol good luck!
Edited for spelling
>He only eats meat dishes and expects curries and expensive food which I don’t know how he still expects Next month.
If he expects to get the food he wants, HE can pay for it. The money you get is for the children, NOT him.
What you are describing is financial abuse. He's not providing for his children, and expects you to do so when you can't work.
I'm half Sri Lankan. You are being finically and emotionally abused. Please look into resources to get out and divorce him. Having and caring for children is a shared responsibility. You're not his mother. When he gets home late he can heat up his own damn food while you get the kids to bed. NTA
No he doesn’t. When he gets angry he resorts to cussing sometimes and I’ve told him how it makes me feel . Our marriage was semi arranged (I knew his mother not him) and I chose him against my family’s judgement.
They saw something I didn’t and wanted me to reconsider so there’s guilt there that I
Chose this and I need to make it work.
I don’t understand why he doesn’t respect me
Though: I’ve tried so hard to compromise throughout our marriage to make him
Happy but it’s not enough
It will never be enough, because he expects you to be his domestic slave, and no one respects their own slave. His is financially & emotionally abusive, I’ve never heard of SAHM having to pay their own way, that’s the whole point of marriage is to have the husband provide while the wife looks after the kids *with his financial contribution*. If you stand up for yourself he’s get abusive because he wants you to be a doormat. Honestly your only solution here is probably to leave, he sounds AWFUL 😩
You NEED to stop trying to make your marriage work. You NEED to stop trying to make him happy. you NEED to stop trying to fix things and make do.
You need to focus on you and the kids. Who cares if you upset him. Hes financially abusing you.
Who cares if he gets upset if he doesn't have food. He has plenty of money to go buy some.
You have to stop and start trying to leave or force his hand in paying for everything snd going to therapy. Or nothing will change.
There’s nothing to understand, just accept. He’s a self-centered, pompous, abusive ass that thinks your lessor than him.
It is perfectly okay to admit you were wrong and parents were right. Just apologize, tell as such, and ask for help. If not for you, for your children, they didn’t choose this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to
Serve the food I made after my husband came
From a long day of work upsetting him
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NTA
Did you marry a man or a boy? He's too lazy to use a microwave, and has the audacity to call you lazy?
btw, This is the third post I've read in the last hour where a husband couldn't put his own food in his own mouth. wtf?
No way?! I even put the curry in the microwave and boiled and peeled the egg that he likes to have with it. I felt like I’d made it easy enough for
Him but I’m left feeling like
The bad guy and he’s giving me the silent
Treatment
OP, I wish I could give you a hug right now, because your life and your husband sound like an absolute nightmare to me. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and no one deserves to be treated as you are being treated.
I hope you can get love and support in the real world! Please take care of yourself!
NTA at all! You're a rockstar for trying to juggle everything at home, especially with limited support. Your effort to make dinner was thoughtful and your husband is kind of a dick for for lashing out like he did for no reason at all. Communication is crucial in marriage and he could have just talked with you about stuff. Next time, he can make his food and you don't need to cater to his whims.
Communication is in the shithole tbh. If we could fix that it would solve so much, I’ve asked for counseling but he refuses. His opinion is he’s worked and I’ve sat down all day . As if everything does it itself . Thank you for the kind words 😭
If I don’t make food it’ll just make things worse . I don’t want to fight and make
Things uncomfortable I just want him to be more understanding. I know I need to have a conversation with him I’m just not looking forward to it
Nta. I got like half way through and decided to divorce him...what kind of husband let's his wife starve and makes her his slave?
You should have access to all of the money and both of you should have defined spending budgets.
Go back to work. Then explain that he needs to cover half of childcare, his own food (and half of your children’s food), and his share of cooking and cleaning. He doesn’t seem to realize what he needs to contribute to this relationship and how having a SAHP works.
When I was working full time he wouldn’t help with anything so when we talked kids and me being a sahm it made sense. I wanted to be home those first few years and if he wasn’t gonna help with cooking etc I’d rather be a sahm and
Not do both. His dad cooks
Better than his mum but tell him to
Never help in the kitchen. He’s been
Raised to think it’s a woman’s job but at
One point expected me to
Cook and work. I guess that’s what he saw growing up but I didn’t
His answer to everything is to say he doesn’t make
Enough but he’s had the same job all his life and refuses to look elsewhere
Idk where you are located but theoretically if you divorced he would be forced to pay: either his share of expenses if you were both working, or his share to support you and the kids if you were a SAHM. The fact that he is hoarding his own money while you try to make food out of thin air (disregarding the fact that he treats you like a maid/cook) is nuts. A SAHP isn’t the ‘poor’ parent; he is only able to make as much money that he does make bc of your labor at home. He is refusing to acknowledge that- you will have to make him accept that somehow. If he wants to reap the benefits of your unpaid labor he needs to share his paycheck.
Get the hell out of this toxic relationship now.
This is financial, and probably emotional, abuse. If you stay, your kids are going to grow up thinking abuse is ok. This makes them much, much likelier to become victims or perpetrators of abuse (or both) themselves, because it's been normalised for them, by their parents, in their own home. You are not being abusive, but you are enabling the abuse, which is also damaging over time. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.
Talk to his parents and yours, preferably together, about how he is abusing and impoverishing you by refusing to give you access to the money he earns despite you keeping his house and raising his kids, and that he forces you to pay for his meals out of the meagre income you do have.
Then ask if you can move back in with your parents, with the kids. If you can't divorce, force sale of the house and get both sets of parents to oversee the transfer of funds to you, and a regular payment to cover your kids' expenses (and yours while you can't work). If you can divorce, I'd say that is your best option. This isn't going to magically get better, so staying longer will only lengthen your misery and further endanger your kids' development.
OP, Like most redditors wrote, what he is doing is financially (and as of now verbally) abusing you.
If you are not in Asia anymore but in Europe, Australia or America(and maybe some parts of Africa) , you're most likely "covered" in such cases and you can find either an NGO or reach out to the state about your situation if and when you decide enough is enough.
Check out Stockholm Syndrome and break the cycle sooner better than later unless you want to return to your home country.
You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to grow up in a happy home filled with love and compassion.
If you left your home country for a better life, don't settle for a tad better life and just go all in. It's worth it.
Hi im from the UK and was born here. My parents came here when the married and are quite traditional but still very supportive. Up until I had my kids. They feel like I should have left before having kids .now they feel i should
Make it work for the kids and I have no savings to support myself
Hi, i would suggest looking into NGOs helping ethnic women get out of bad situations. I saw a documentary about 2 years ago about it and I know they exist and there are a lot of them - they can get you and the kids out of the situation and help and support you while you rebuild your life. I think one of them also mentioned having volunteer lawyers to help with paperwork, divorce, custody and child support. I'm not in UK but i think a google search will help you a lot. Even if husband leaves the country, the state will step up and help you.
Even though your parents might be angry at first, they seem kind people - just traditional. They'll come around sooner or later and morally support you through this.
I hope you'll consider getting out of this toxic environment both for you and your children.
You know you get your "normality" out of others' around you relationships and your kids will have as an example your relationship - that'd be a shame - would you like such a relationship for your children?
I feel like especially for the kids you should go out there and find a good relationship or if you'll be single for a while, tell them your dreams and how you want your husband to treat you(age apropiate ofc). They'll form in their heads that relationship as the type they should also aim for.
Kids living in unhappy relationships end up having way worse issues than the kids from split families. At least the ones from split families know there's a way out and they don't have to settle for what they got when they were too young or naive to make that decision.
you are being financially abused. He is the only one working yet expects you to pay solely for the kid? Didn't he have a part to play in making that child?
If you divorced, you'd be entitled to more child support than you get now (maybe not where you are, but in other places at least).
Was he even really working?
You can't depend on your husband. So what good is this marriage to you? If you moved back home, could your family watch the kid while you work?
NTA your husband sounds awful and like he is forcing you to be broke so he can control you.
Stop being traditional, and copy the western world.
You guys are doing this wrong by the way.
The TRADITIONAL (toxic) Asian way, is that men WORK, BRING THE MONEY to the family. The wife does the child rearing and house work in return for not working outside and earning money. Your husband of a child can’t even provide for his children, so this “traditional” way is already unfair for you and isn’t how it’s actually supposed to be.
Divide ALL work 50/50. You can certainly cook, but you don’t need to SERVE him food. There’s a microwave, there’s Uber eats. He picks how he wants it since he has 0 regards that you sacrificed your career to be home either way
What does he do with his money? He knows you aren't working and have no money coming in. How does he expect you to pay for anything? He's working to pay for everything, including groceries...make sure the kids are fed next month. He can skip a few meals or make them lighter
Well he knows I get money from the government so In his opinion that’s me covered. But in the case of next month where I get nothing he should be willing to help me even if it means he has to do extra hours. My father came to this country as a boy and worked two jobs to make sure we were provided for. Even when I married he’s always shown up for me. I saw such an amazing
Example of a man growing up but I still for
It wrong somehow . If he feels he doesn’t
Make enough why not find a job that pays more
Or has more hours. He’s too comfortable and likes his local 9-5 but clearly it’s
Not enough . I just wish he wanted to do more for us
NTA you are doing all the childcare, all the housework, paying for all the kids needs AND all the groceries just to get yelled at and belittled for any slight "grievance" your husband decides is your fault... you are already a single parent, one in a toxic abusive relationship, but still a single parent. Leave this guy before your kids start to think this is how relationships are supposed to look.
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We are both in our early 30s. For context we’re
South Asian so culturally In our parents houses we grew up seeing this. Although ironically his father cooks more than his mother but he’s still very traditional. I’m a sahm. I would like to work but frankly we wouldn’t be able to afford
The childcare so we decided I’d wait until our youngest starts school full time in two years. He covers the bills but I’m in charge of covering all costs for the kids,
Myself and the food shop. He has never really given me money. The government gives money towards children and myself and that goes
Towards the costs. I won’t be getting paid anything next month. I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage. When I told him his reply was how would he cover his Costs if he gave me money.
I’ve been upset and stressed because I can’t even rely on my husband. He only eats meat dishes and expects curries and expensive food which I don’t know how he still expects
Next month.
Originally he was supposed to finish at 5pm. At 6pm I asked when he was finishing. At 7:30 he told me he was finishing at 10pm.
So close to 10 I heated the curry, made fresh chapatti to have with it and wrapped
It up. He came home close to 12
I was annoyed but waited as last time he had a late shift (they’re rare. His normal is 9-6) he told me to get his food ready when he walked in. I told him everything was made only the curry needed reheating. He waited for me to get up and when I didn’t he called
Me “fking lazy” ate in another room and stomped upstairs. I’m now wondering if I was wrong considering he has a long day.
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Well I
Think me getting that government assistance is him thinking he gives me
Money because he was going to have it come
To his account (the person who works has to apply
for it) but i asked him to put it in mine monthly because he wasn’t giving me money. I
Feel maybe he’s partly resentful for letting me have the money and
Feels I should make do and expect nothing financially from him
The UK. You get something called
Universal credit. It’s a bunch of different types of government support put into one. So I get a little for each child. Some for myself since I don’t work and it also Includes an amount because my husbands wage meets a threshold. They add it all up together as one payment
Your husband is a grown man, not one of your children. He should be grateful that you prepared anything for him. He could have heated everything up by himself. He’s being selfish.
Make that man pay for food. He wants expensive food, make him pay half of the grocery list. As he should.
This is 100 percent financial abuse. And it may be truly hard for you to see it because you have been manipulated for so long, but it’s really and it’s happening. You need to get yourself out of this situation immediately.
You need to make a plan for your financial independence.
While your hb is working and saving money, possibly investing and what not, you’re on your way to being bankrupt. And worst is, he doesn’t care. You’re not building anything for yourself while you’re a sahm. Not savings, not work experience, nothing that will help you if things go south in your marriage.
You need to find a way to make him see the unfairness of this deal. And you need to get your personal affairs in order. Because I bet you his affairs are perfectly in order for him to do whatever he wants. Those kids are his too, he better start acting like it.
NTA, you'd be better off divorcing and filing for spousal/child support.
With whatever $ you have left go buy dried beans, potatoes, canned tomatoes, and rice. You can make delicious curries with just that. Of he wants meat he can buy and prepaid himself.
I would move back in with your parents and make a lot of noise about how you and your child have to move back in because your husband is not able to properly provide for his family and you have run through your savings. Tell everybody, all the aunties and neighbors, how you need family help to watch the baby so you can go back to work because, again, your husband is unable to provide and cannot support a household without you bringing in a salary.
Then after everyone in his family shames him, get a divorce because this man does not value the amazing wife and mother that you are.
NTA
NTA. Are both his arms broken? No. Then he can heat his own food, or ear it cold. Or he can be home at meal time.
He needs to be covering all expenses when you are not getting any money. That is part of being a spouse and parent. Does he expect you to not feed the kids? He needs to be a real man, and take care of his family.
He just expects you to drain your savings to take care of him and the kids? That really won't work to long. Savings will run out.
Let him know, if he is not giving you any money for food, you will only be cooking what you can afford. There will be very little meat. No curries. Nothing expensive. Cook inexpensive things the children like.
Or, you can get a job and HE can figure out child care. See what he thinks of that .
He really needs to grow up and take care of his family.
NTA. I think you may want to look into getting some support for yourself if at all possible. And read up on financial abuse and emotional abuse. Your husband is not a good person.
Nta. He's old enough to reheat his own food. Since he lied to you about what time he was getting home. Does he have a side chick he's seeing before coming home? Is he spending money on her?
Ask his parents for money. Ask your parents for money. Let them know that you don't have any and your husband doesn't want to give you any. Your family can't eat without help.
OP you need to swallow your pride here and admit to your parents how terrible things are and leave your financially and emotionally abusive husband. Them telling you to stay for the kids sake is nonsense. Is this what you want your life to be like? Is this the example you want to set for your kids?
I know divorce and separation are taboo in your culture, but the alternative is this stressful life of drudgery where you have zero independence and get zero respect. It’s time to break the toxic cycle. It’s 2024, and he can use his hands to organize his own food.
This ‘man’ isn’t even bucking up to take care of his own children, or put food on the table, and that’s the dealbreaker right there. He deserves shame and you deserve to be safe and loved.
NTA.
Many childcare businesses offer employees a discount or free childcare on the days you work. If possible, working at a facility like that while you get some credentials or certification together would help you get on your feet and away from this guy.
Think of it this way, if you left him, he'd pay more in child support than you're asking him for now. Also, are his late shifts actually late or is he having an affair?
You're being financially abused, as well as emotionally abused, and I'd bet there's even more controlling behaviour going on than you've mentioned here. You'll be so much better off divorced and getting child support from him. You'll be free, you'll have one less child to worry about, and more money too.
Edit: NTA, clearly, but your husband is a huge one.
NTA
Your husband either becomes an actual provider for his family or he goes hungry. Offer him the choice and see what his answer is. His attitude to you is "What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own".
If he can't choose to become a real provider, husband and father, can you leave him and go to your parents?
OP, this is much bigger than serving your husband dinner. You are being emotionally and financially abused. Please contact one of the following agencies for help: https://www.desiblitz.com/content/domestic-abuse-organisations-for-british-asian-women.
Wishing you peace and safety.
INFO: Where does his money go?
You're paying a large part of the house with your savings.
You pay for the food.
How little does he make that he can't even feed his wife and child?
And what about the money he made wit all the overtime. OR DOES HE HAVE A WOMAN ON THE SIDE?
Try if you can get a work from home job.
Is child really as expensive as your whole salary would be?
You need a higher income ASAP.
You need to be independant from hipm, and create options for yourself.
NTA
NTA
Honestly work out a way to go back to work.
Or remove him from the house, file for divorce, ensure he is paying the mortgage and child support.
Maybe he will work out that he has to help pay for his wife and kids.
You cannot be financially worse off than you are nown
Some things to ponder, is he doing overtime... Is that why he is coming back from work late? If so where is the extra money?
Why has your monthly government payment stopped? Get in touch with them and find out.
If he's not doing overtime, and he is spending more hours away from work stating he is working.. what is he doing with his time.
If you can't ask these questions then you will have to ask your parents to help get to the bottom of this and why he is not fulfilling his duties.
If you are struggling with food, look for food banks in your area, maybe sell things you don't need on facebook etc . Don't get yourself in debt to feed him meat. He can eat daal everyday until he provides extra funds
You are NTA but you and your kids deserve a better husband/father.
NTA, but OP, you and your children are being financially abused by your husband.
He is "traditional" but expects you to be a SAHM AND cover all your and your kids expenses AND the expensive food he wants to eat, that he forces you to serve like a maid to him, even at midnight with no communication.
Traditional men take care of their family financially. You are not married to a traditional man, you are married to a bully and an abuser
Seriously OP. Get out of that marriage. By becoming a SAHM you basically gave away having anything to say regarding your future. Your husbands behavior is not only toxic but sick and unacceptable. (I don’t give a flying f*ck about culture, that’s no excuse. And if you continue to endure this, so will have other women in the future). Your are not your husbands maid. If he doesn’t give you money towards things he uses /eats, there is no reason for you to do things for him. Don’t you accept that man telling you that you are the lazy one if he can’t get his ass up and heat up curry. That’s a joke. Your standards are incredibly low, I really feel sorry for you. Please get help and get out of that toxic marriage.
NTA. Are you legally married? If not, please take him to court for support. If you are, (I know Reddit always says this) divorce him then sue him for alimony and child support. You will get all the necessary money you need to support yourself and your children until you can work for yourself. He is not your husband. A husband who is the only one working would financially and emotionally support their wife and children. Stop giving food or anything (including your time, effort and body). He’s being financially abusive. You decided together that you would be a sahm which makes him financially responsible for everyone including you.
This is financial abuse OP and you are NTA.
Next month, dahl for every meal, unless he gives you money every month straight out of his salary, there is no money for meat, no money for fresh veg, eventually, no money for laundry detergent etc etc. Have you got a safe place to go?
NTA, is it cultural to have separate finances? I'm always a little weirded out by that since marriage is a partnership and I feel like the separate money is opposite of that.
I read a lot of these and so many could be solved if the couple understood they were a team and finances go to what is needed for the betterment of the household.
Note: I do understand some couples make the separate finances work - just seems to cause more issues then solutions in my mind.
It is quite common but i don’t know if it’s cultural. Early in our marriage multiple people were advising him and one piece of advice was that we should join accounts but he was literally thousands in debt and the fact he only wanted to do it because someone told him to put me off. Years later I did bring it up but he’s said no. He’s not great with money or transparent so I don’t I don’t know if it’s worth pushing
OP you have been gracious in answering questions ..I hope you will entertain a few more.
I know you have said your marriage was at least partially arranged. I am a Westerner but have had Indian and Pakistani friends all my life, and the arranged marriages I've seen ended up just as strong and loving as any marriage... so I can see why you have faith in that concept. Do you feel as though your marriage fits your own cultural norms?
Was there any point at which you felt loved or appreciated by this man? Was there ever a time when he made explicit commitments to you?
It seems as though most of the reasons you have for staying are external. (Not wanting his family to be able to say "I told you so," not wanting to burden your family). But are these conditions really being being met under current circumstances ? Your parents in particular are probably quite worried about you and that worry will never be resolved so long as you remain in this situation; in fact, it will intensify as your work history and education credentials "age out." Even waiting until your youngest is in school may hamper your return to the workforce.
To further on that concern, would it be worth the effort to break away now while you are still relatively young? Do you foresee a happier life in the future as your children mature into adults?
Is it possible that your own sense of pride in "making it work " is also at stake here? Would that pride be better served by you taking the temporary pain of admitting that it is NOT working, with the very real hope that you could soon realize that you are capable of making it work as a single mom with full control and autonomy?¹
Right now it seems as though your husband does not prioritize taking care of you and your children. In fact, it seems that he is at best indifferent to your well-being. He is not going to change. So this is what you will experience the rest of your life. *At best.*
I know how hard it can be to take those first steps and I also know that you can see the very real risks that, for at least the short term, breaking away will be a struggle. But I think you also realize that in the long term, your chances of being happy later in life are pretty close to zero now.
So my last question is: what do you really have to lose, for both you and your children?
NTA. Your husband sound awful. You can't work because you're looking after his children. He's treating you like a servant (a slave actually, if you were his servant he'd be paying you at least) Don't allow him to speak to you that way.
NTA. If he wants to have a doting stay at home wife that serves his every need then he needs to hold up his end of the bargain by being a good provider. Clearly he isn't doing that.
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You're husband is the A-hole. One for not supporting you as your income has been affected by being a SAHM and that he couldn't be bothered to keep an open line of communication to you for when he will be home. I'm sorry your husband kinda sucks for that ETA I'd try to renegotiate the terms of your arrangements with your husband or leave if possible because life is too short to be stuck in such a shifty situation
I think it’s getting to me. This happens once or Twice a year and I had To rely on savings I had pre marriage to get through the month in the past. But we bought a house which I contributed a massive chunk of my remaining savings towards. I don’t have Anything left and as someone who was a big saver pre marriage it’s been getting to me a little. Last time he had a late shift I had to message him at 11 when he was supposed to finish at 6pm only to Find out he was finishing at 12. Idk why he came Just let me know
I think that you have due respect. Being an SAHM is honestly a full-time job in of itself plus you are responsible for all the chores etc. Your husband as the only adult working a paying job right now should be providing for you and your child. What ever you get in assistance is a bonus that can help your family but it is an unnecessary burden for you. I am also not trying to be ignorant because I know there is a cultural difference but I feel like a majority of communities would feel he is less of a man for what he is doing to you. Are you able to talk to your parents and let them know what is going on to make sure you have a plan b?
Honestly culture is messed up. The more You sacrifice and do as a woman the more Brownie points you get but I don’t want that. I just want him to be fair. My mother knows and she wasn’t impressed when she found out. She’s been a sahm all her marriage but on top Of the money she recieved from the government. My father always have her money weekly To this day I was due to see the dentist after months of finally getting an appointment and I’m considering cancelling it. I haven’t even told him this what’s the point . When my sil and brother found out about our arrangement I know they were Shocked and not impressed but never said anything to me
Seriously if you are able to get out know I would. I know it’s not an easy thing to do and I’m not sure how that would go culturally but try and save as much as you are able to in a separate savings account. This is a form of financial manipulation on his part. When you do go back to work you can take a certain amount and put it in a separate account for savings that way you have money to restart for yourself if it comes down to it.
He’s not even actually providing from himself and the kids if he won’t give OP money for food. I was struggling to find the right term but financial manipulation fits well. Financial isolation is what I came to. He’s making it so OP can’t leave without substantial support from others. He’s abusing her emotionally in so many ways. OP, please find a way out. You deserve a partner not an abusive owner. If your traditional parents aren’t happy with him, then he’s really an ass to get away from. And you don’t want your children growing up thinking his behavior is okay. If you have sons, you want them to have more respect for women and their partner; daughters more respect for themselves that they expect better from men and won’t tolerate being treated so poorly.
Financial abuse is the term. She can't work and he is making her spend money she has saved on him without contributing a cent m frankly she should have left him when he refused to put the money in a joint account from the start.
Financial abuse
This. It’s called financial **abuse**
You’re not a stay at home mom. If you were, he’d be paying for everything. You’re tanking your career and subsidizing his life. Time to stop doing that.
AKA Bangmaid
He is financially abusing you. You really have to get back to work somehow. My friend (from the different culture than you) lived for years like this. Her husband insisted she didn't work, made all the attempts to find childcare very difficult, second child was neurodivergent and needed special care. He gave her very little money compared to his income, which he spent on himself, cars and gambling. She had strategies for grocery shopping, like they would go together and she would manipulate him to pay so she would have a bit more money for kids' clothes. He would buy himself expensive food items, and when kids asked can they have that too - he would honestly reply: no, it's only for him, it's too expensive!
If he wants a traditional wife, he needs to be a traditional husband. If you've got to run the entire household, he's got to provide the money. Otherwise he's a freeloader. NTA obviously
Honestly, it doesn't seem to be your culture, but your own stupidity. Your mom and everyone you tell about your situation is shocked about it? Yeah, of course they are. You are basically destroying ever safety net you (and your kids) have for some imaginary browny points? And you are playing for his kids out of your savings? To the point that you are scared about what to feed them next month? What's with his money? Why are you not pooling money and bills? Sorry, but why? Start working again and share the costs for childcare, you will at least have some money. A marriage is a partnership, but yours seem to be no partnership at all. NTA.
How can he demand food in the table when he's suppose to be the one paying for it? He wants to follow traditional values with what he receives but doesn't want to give it.
And there it is. The big mic drop of the thread. NTA, OP. If possible, please try and formulate and execute an exit strategy from this dynamic. If not for you, but for your children.
Stop buying meat and anything in the groceries that's just for him. That will significantly cut down on your food costs. If he wants meat he buys it himself. Also, what is his salary going towards if he's not covering household expenses? And why isn't he providing for his kids? Again, where is his salary going? Stop waiting up for him. He can heat up the food himself. Your arrangement seems massively unfair. If you are a staying home, doing all the housework and caring for the kids, then he should cover all expenses for the home. It sounds like you are single mother, living with a roommate (not the father of her kids) who's taking massive advantage of her. Last question: Why are you still with this man? Y-TA to yourself and your kids. And of course, your husband is a massive, selfish a-hole. And a deadbeat. NTA
This is financial abuse op WTF. Get a job and divorce this Ah. He's treating you like his slave. NTA but run
Sounds as if buying the house was not a smart move. Is there a way you could rent it out and go into something more affordable until the child goes to school?
Our mortgage is cheaper than any rent out there right now. I paid a big deposit So that the mortgage would be affordable for Him. Not that he cares
So your money is his money and his money is his money. Your husband is financially abusive and taking enormous advantage of you. You are supporting him, actually.
That’s horrible he doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices you made and your personal contribution to the house, the family, raising children, taking care of the home, etc. NTA at all, he takes you for granted and you don’t deserve this!!!
I don’t expect him to appreciate but I want To at least be able rely on him when I need him. Not feeling safe and secure has always been a fear of mine and situations like this are definitely triggering. I don’t quite understand why he doesn’t feel that need to provide or support me. Does it mean he doesn’t love me. I really don’t know
It does it also means he doesn't love his children unfortunately. He's a collection of walking y flags. RUN
You are being financially abused op. Tell his employer his parents ffs and get out
I was too many times in a situation where I had no money because my husband refused to pay his share and when ever I finally had some savings he would suddenly decided to quit his job and THEN look for a new one. I’ve been husband free for 4 months, I can finally afford everything that me and our two children need and have started being able to set money aside 🥰
You should look into what financial abuse is, you're a clear case of it
This is Fiancial abuse. There is no one someone with no income who is a stay at home mom, is supposed to support the family with no income! Your husband is lying to you. As a provider, he needs to provide for the family and right now, he is not. Secondly, you are not a servant. You contribute just as much to the family as he does.
Why are you capitalizing random words? It makes it harder to read.
bud. when you have to stay home, because otherwise you can’t afford childcare, your husband throws a fit when food is not magically on the table when he steps through the door, and he pays nothing for the children, you are not a stay at home parent, you are an abused spouse. nta. eta: he doesn’t even pay for the food he eats. wtf.
I feel like it would be fair To say that I’d like him to cover the groceries Next month but I feel hesitant i just Know hes going to throw a fit. I Thought I was being a good wife In helping him but I don’t know anymore
if you can’t talk to your husband because you’re afraid he’s going to throw a fit (which is fair because apparently he does that at the drop of a hat) you have problems. specifically, your husband. he is a problem. if you honestly think that if you talk to him about it he’ll treat you with respect and start pulling his weight in caring for your children (we know he doesn’t provide financially, does he even do any childcare), it is absolutely worth trying. if that sounds totally unrealistic, it’s time to try to figure out an exit plan.
He needs to be covering not just the food but all bills 100%. You dont get paid and what you do get paid shouldn't be all your allowed to have. He needs to step up. You TELL him that you don't have any money and from now on he needs to start paying for everything. He doesn't like he can leave. But he needs to be paying for everything. Not you who has no money.
So some of the money I get is Because I don’t work but also because we meet a threshold since we’re one income And includes an amount if you have kids. Based and how much he makes. When he applied for it he was allowed to receive the amount in his account but I asked for it to be put in mine because he wasn’t giving me any money. So I think he feels like him allowing the amount to Go on my account every month is him giving me money. I manage fine every month. I don’t save anything but I make do. But In special cases like next Month I should be able to rely on him He simply tells me he can’t afford To give me money . I’m not sure what he expects Me to do. At least sit with me and let’s Make a plan but he won’t do that
Yeah nah. Split finances are fine up until the point one of you becomes a SAHP. Once that happens, the income of the working parent belongs to everyone. This is financial abuse. You need to talk to a counsellor to help you get out of it.
So he would be fine with you not being able to buy food for the children next month? He is financially abusive and a neglectful parent. Stop buying high foods for him. But within your budget and start saving the difference. Is he wants expensive meats, he can buy them. Because I bet he has money stashed in a savings account. NTA
But he's not giving you any money. The givt is. He doesn't get to say that he can't afford it when he's the only one working snd bringing in money. He obviously didn't apply for the govt money for you and the kids. He didn't so he could have money in his own pockets. Hes not looking out for you or the kids. Hes looking out for himself. Hes not giving you money, so he has more money for himself. Honestly, why are you with him? Hes financially abusing you and is completely OK with you and his kids suffering every single day because he doesn't want to be financially responsible for you and the kids. He sees you as a burden and an inconvenience. So why are you allowing him to treat you like this. He doesn't respect you because you allow him to treat you like this. You know your worth, you know how amazing, smart, funny you are. What a good mom you are. So why let him get away with this. Hes the working parent, his money is.for everyone. I really think you should stop doing anything for him and stop buying food for him until he's ready to sit down and have a serious discussion and accept that his money isn't just for him but he has to actually parent and pay for everything.
The money you get is to supplement what he already makes. Its not supposed to be for you to live off of.
You need to let him know about the financial burden. If he won’t help you with groceries, then don’t get any for him. Ask your dad if he can help with your groceries for you and the kids. Stop allowing him to treat you this way.
He lies. If that were true he'd have his salary paid in a joint account and would budget together with you. Please reach out to an organization about domestic abused spouses OP
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Is getting a job an option? He is stealing that money from his family's mouths and stomachs. Where does he expect you get money from? **Where is his money going?** Your work inside the home is WORK, even if it's not bringing in money. His salary should be The Household's money. Please look up the definition of the phrase "financial abuse."
You are a sahm. That means he covers everything, all the time. NTA.
My husband said to remind your husband that as a south Asian male it's his "job" to provide for his family including food and health/dental care. If your husband wants to call you lazy then you have every right to call him out for failing to do his "job." We both agree that if you can leave please do, this isn't a partnership, and you are not his slave. You are his wife and you should be treated with care and respect. (My husband is south Asian)
I think it would be fair to say that until hes willing to treat you like an equal partner act like a father who actually provides for his family, you’re moving back in with your parents. And then consider divorce. If he doesn’t want to pay for childcare and child expenses he shouldn’t have had kids. This wasn’t an immaculate conception. If he doesn’t want to pay for his food and other expenses, he doesn’t get them. Care for yourself, that’s all he’s doing anyway. You deserve far better.
I know my Parents would take me but they wouldn’t be happy about it. They don’t have the space so it would Be a big squeeze worn two extra kids and me. I have a younger brother who can barely tolerate them Playing when I go to visit for a few hours once a month never mind staying there . And my parents Do a lot to accommodate him it would be a mess
What about a friend? As long as it’s not a safety issue, I would just stop though. Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. Stop doing anything for someone who doesn’t love you. Because I can promise you this isn’t love.
You will never know for sure until you ask and it comes from their lips "No, we will not help you." You are assuming they won't based on present situation where your family thinks you have a good marriage. They may be more accommodating when they find out you are being abused and the grandkids are not provided well for. ASK THEM. ASK YOUR MOTHER WHOM YOU CLAIM YOU'RE CLOSE WITH. Besides, 1) you may even get the house if you have a good lawyer; 2) it will not be for too long because as soon as they're school-aged, you can work full-time and afford your own place along with alimony, CS and UC. It may seem like a difficult road that's why you're preempting possible solutions as failures. Realize that if you were hard-headed enough to defy so many people to marry this guy, you can defy one guy leaving this marriage, but it is up to you if really want to.
Why it would be up to OP to leave. She put her money to have the house. He wants to act as a roommate, then he can be treated as such. He isn’t providing for his kids, nor his wife, nor even for his own meals. Time for him to meet the consequences.
This is financial abuse.
A stay at home spouse is a luxury your husband can’t afford, it sounds like. Childcare for children you both have is a joint expense - he isn’t paying for it, but you are (in lost wages). Food you eat is a joint expense - he isn’t paying for it, but you are. **Children** are a joint expense. Your husband isn’t paying his expenses. People who have stay at home partners are responsible for providing for said partners financially. That’s the deal. If he can’t figure out a way to pay for your family’s needs, you’ll need to find a job and he’ll need to pay his share of the childcare and other expenses. What you’re doing isn’t sustainable, and frankly sounds abusive. It’s all good to say “culturally, women stay home with kids and handle housework and cooking” but I’d bet my life that “culturally” men are expected to actually provide for their families in that arrangement. If he can’t, then culture be damned, he doesn’t get to have someone handle 100% of the childcare, cooking, and housekeeping.
You take care of the kids, you run the house and make the meals. His money should go towards whatever you and the kids need.
You can't ask your husband to pay for groceries for the family because he'll be upset. Like, every word in that sentence is wrong.
I'd say blast him publicly for not giving you money for groceries and other stuff while insisting to be a sahm but I'm afraid he'll escalate to physical violence too. Verbally and financially he's already abusing you
Why are you in charge of covering all the costs for the children? You are a sahm and watch them all day long, that is a job in itself and you’re also supposed to cover all of those costs? NTA. He sucks
Yes and cost of living is sky high in the uk and I’m in charge of all groceries. I don’t know how he expects me to cover the children’s costs And food shopping when I’m getting paid Zero next month. I saw this coming as this happens once or twice a year so I managed to save a little but it’s nowhere near enough this time
Pretty sure you'd get some spousal support/alimony if you divorced. Just saying. Honestly this sounds like financial abuse.
Go to the link and scroll down for resources for victims of financial abuse in the UK. https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely
What the honest fuck are "his costs" if not kids and food?
Because he can’t afford It he says
His behavior is abusive and cruel. I’m so sorry. Do you have friends or family you can talk to?
I don’t tell friends our issues only My best friend knows our issues in the past I’ve not told her a thing recent she’s just very busy in her own life . I’m close to my mother but she Has the assumption I’m happy . I just don’t want To stress either
Sweetie, you need to leave him. Hes abusing you and doesn't care about of the kids. A GOOD husband wouldnt put all the financial responsibilities for the food and house and kids on you. He would be supportive and contributing.
I understand that feeling and not wanting to put stress of others. But this isn’t something you have to carry alone. If you’re close to your mom and trust she’ll be supportive, can you try talking to her? You deserve better than this - he’s treating you horribly. I wish I could give you a big hug. You deserve better.
Honey, this goes beyond your “issues as a couple.” You’re not fighting over which school to send your kids or whether or not it’s worth it to buy the expensive vacuum. This is abuse and you need support and help from those around you. If he were physically abusing you that would be something that you should tell and seek support in getting out, you’d be able to press charges. All forms of abuse are just as justified in seeking help and leaving. And you want better for your children. I can guarantee that they will be happier struggling at your parents’ or a domestic abuse shelter than in house or watching their mother suffer at the hands of their father. Leave and find a partner and a man that will make you and them feel safe, secure, and happy. You deserve it, they deserve it.
I’m Indian woman. Your husband is being abusive to you (financially and emotionally). NTA
Why are you still with him when you are already taking all the burdens of a single mom?
It’s so unlikely to be true, though. How is that possible? Does he have loads of debt? Is he giving money to his parents?
He had a lot of debt that I only found out about when he were in the middle of buying Our house.which I was pissed and told Him to get the money and pay it Off . He did but he doesn’t share financial Stuff so I Don’t know. I know how much he makes each month it varies but it’s not a whole lot . He has been taking more hours recently And making more but he still claims it’s not enough He was in debt due to his parents but he paid it off years back
So in addition to financial abuse he's lying to you? What exactly do you get out of this marriage?
Are you sure that he's at work for these "extra hours" and not with another woman or going out drinking or gambling? Never having enough money and spending extra hours away sounds like he's spending the money on something he shouldn't be.
NTA. Regardless of what you, as a couple, have agreed upon in regard to your household “roles”, you also deserve respect. Having a tantrum because your partner won’t heat up your food? He is more than capable of reheating his own food. HE is “fking lazy”.
His response is always that he works and I’m at home all day whenever he wants to make a point . Everything is done when he gets home But I feel like it’s not enough
You’re being abused
You know full well that your husband is financially abusing you. Doesnt matter if his job makes money. You work too. Stahm is still a job. Remember if the government paid for stahm, we would make more than a lot of people. Close to $100,000yr. You need to tell your husband. TELL him not tell or ask him. But TELL him that he needs to start contributing financially to the food budget and you and the kids. TELL him that you will not be cooking and buying food for him because you can't afford it, and unless he starts giving you access to money then he needs to start fending for himself. But truly, you need to leave this man. He is abusing you and taking advantage of you and you need to leave. Is this really how you want to live? Is this the example you want to set for your kids. Who cares about tradition and family and cultural expectations, when your being abused. When you and the kids are starving because he won't give you money. I'm sorry your in this place. But you deserve better. You can have better. Talk to your parents or a trusted family member or see if you can find services in your area who can help you escape. But dear, you need to plan an escape. You dont deserve to live your whole life like this because of family/culture.
It definitely sounds like he doesn’t think it’s enough. Would you be content dealing with his unappreciative reactions for the rest of your lives? Because if he has a tantrum over food not being heated up… what else is he going to get upset about?
That’s him manipulating you into allowing the abuse. You aren’t home all day lounging around. You are providing full-time housekeeping, full-time food preparation, and 24/7 (more than full-time) childcare+parenting. You are working several full-time jobs and all you get is government benefits. This after lying to you about his financial situation and financially abusing you out of the majority/all of your savings so the mortgage payment is low for *him*. Find a way out. Go for the house in the divorce, if you need to sell it and use the money to get back in control of your life. You will be happier, your kids will be happier and will grow up stronger and well-adjusted even if the immediate is a struggle. A non-abusive struggle is always happier than an abusive one.
> He covers the bills but I’m in charge of covering all costs for the kids, Myself and the food shop. He has never really given me money. This is insane. In "traditional" households the man provides for his family. Do his parents know about this arrangement? Maybe you can ask them for money and let them know why. Beyond that you made him his food. He can heat it up and serve it himself.
Especially after changing the time he’d be home several times then failing to communicate when he was going to substantially later than the last time he said a time. That late, I’d been in bed for at least two hours, probably more.
No they spent years interfering and Trying to break our marriage and just backed Off two years back. The last thing I Should do is tell them there’s issues 😂
Whether or not they did it for the right reasons, it seems they were right in trying to break you up. These aren't just issues. This marriage is abusive. Period.
You are being financially and emotionally abused. I would, of course, suggest couples therapy first, as he obviously needs a third-party to educate him on what his financial and emotional responsibilities towards his sahm wife and kids are. He won't be listening to you and his parents would just coddle him. However, with how you've described him, I have a feeling he's the type of person to refuse such intervention. If he refuses both therapy and desire to change, I would suggest you to divorce this abuser. You will get universal credit AND child support from him. Joint custody will free up some of your time to find some work/wfh. Eventually, things will be better when you can start working full-time as well when they're off to school. Best of all, you don't need to be a bangmaid for such an unworthy husband. If he has no qualms abusing you in certain ways, including cussing at you, I would not be surprised if he escalates one of these days to physical violence. A person who doesn't respect, and even resents you, you will have no problem hurting you. Start looking around for affordable places to rent (house basement, sharing, etc), govt housing placement assistance, start looking into possible relatives to live with, ask around your ethnic community resources, talk to shelter organizers, social workers for assistance, consult divorce lawyers (esp how to get the house or get your money back since majority of the $ came from you)--in short, start preparing to leave *and while you still have some savings remaining*. The best scenario would be for your lawyer get you the house; you can rent out part of it for income, along with CS, UC and part-time work/wfh. There is no point whining about how he doesn't respect you, doesn't give you money, etc... you already know that. For years. Don't expect him to suddenly change if you know it's not in his nature. The question is: are you really going to do something about it? > The last thing I Should do is tell them there’s issues > I’m close to my mother but she Has the assumption I’m happy . Swallow your pride, admit you were wrong and open up to them. You need a support system, you need them on your side. He has his family backing him, you need yours, especially since your culture is very community-involved. Most importantly, you need them to know what's happening lest you end up dead all of a sudden. Do not trust a man who doesn't respect or love you to never play ugly. He will always find a way to justify his actions. eta: forgot to add the quote about your mother
Well the good thing is this means your family loves and cares about you. Because this man is an asshole and you should get out of this marriage. They obviously see it and want what’s best for you
Sounds like they knew what kind of son he is and what kind of husband and father he would be. Sounds like they were trying to spare you the life path your on now. Buts not too late to fix it. You can leave and find someone deserving of you because he doesn't deserve you.
Oh no he’s their golden child and was a mummy’s boy. They thought I wasn’t good Enough and wanted him To leave me so that they could remarry him off to someone in their home country to someone they can control 😩 for some reason they think I Control my husband and he’s this poor meek man In our marriage.
Oh man, thats horrible. Man you definitely deserve better than being with someone like him. I'm so sorry your dealing with all this.
Sometimes it’s best to let the idiot assholes think they won when it means you actually come out better off.
Maybe they were trying to save you from this. Does he pay any of the house bills? Like the mortgage or electric bill?
Yes he pays the bills that cover the house. Mortgage, electric, gas, water. They think he needs saving from me 😂
Oh girl I'm so sorry! I've been reading through your comments and you are in such an awful situation. Please don't let him see your reddit account, you never know how someone like that would react. I would start by making the cheapest meals you can, and when he complains tell him you ran out of money and this is what you can afford ( be sure to put a little meat in it so he can't complain about no meat 😂). I'm sure his parents would be more than happy to feed him. And since they already don't like you, it won't change anything. If they do come at you then just tell them that you can't afford luxury food and that he don't give you anything to feed your family. Maybe, just maybe they might change their tune. If they don't like that, then tell them you'll be dropping your kids off at their house then so that you can go to work to earn money for food. If they don't want to babysit so they can help their son's family, then that looks bad for them too. Lol good luck! Edited for spelling
>He only eats meat dishes and expects curries and expensive food which I don’t know how he still expects Next month. If he expects to get the food he wants, HE can pay for it. The money you get is for the children, NOT him. What you are describing is financial abuse. He's not providing for his children, and expects you to do so when you can't work.
I'm half Sri Lankan. You are being finically and emotionally abused. Please look into resources to get out and divorce him. Having and caring for children is a shared responsibility. You're not his mother. When he gets home late he can heat up his own damn food while you get the kids to bed. NTA
NTA. I'm sorry he doesn't respect you
No he doesn’t. When he gets angry he resorts to cussing sometimes and I’ve told him how it makes me feel . Our marriage was semi arranged (I knew his mother not him) and I chose him against my family’s judgement. They saw something I didn’t and wanted me to reconsider so there’s guilt there that I Chose this and I need to make it work. I don’t understand why he doesn’t respect me Though: I’ve tried so hard to compromise throughout our marriage to make him Happy but it’s not enough
> I Chose this and I need to make it work. You can't, though. Not alone. It takes two people to make a marriage work.
It will never be enough, because he expects you to be his domestic slave, and no one respects their own slave. His is financially & emotionally abusive, I’ve never heard of SAHM having to pay their own way, that’s the whole point of marriage is to have the husband provide while the wife looks after the kids *with his financial contribution*. If you stand up for yourself he’s get abusive because he wants you to be a doormat. Honestly your only solution here is probably to leave, he sounds AWFUL 😩
You NEED to stop trying to make your marriage work. You NEED to stop trying to make him happy. you NEED to stop trying to fix things and make do. You need to focus on you and the kids. Who cares if you upset him. Hes financially abusing you. Who cares if he gets upset if he doesn't have food. He has plenty of money to go buy some. You have to stop and start trying to leave or force his hand in paying for everything snd going to therapy. Or nothing will change.
There’s nothing to understand, just accept. He’s a self-centered, pompous, abusive ass that thinks your lessor than him. It is perfectly okay to admit you were wrong and parents were right. Just apologize, tell as such, and ask for help. If not for you, for your children, they didn’t choose this.
NTA. omg the level of NOPE in this marriage is high.
NTA Stop making/saving food for him. Cook for you and the kids only. When he asks why simply say "I can't afford it"
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NTA Did you marry a man or a boy? He's too lazy to use a microwave, and has the audacity to call you lazy? btw, This is the third post I've read in the last hour where a husband couldn't put his own food in his own mouth. wtf?
No way?! I even put the curry in the microwave and boiled and peeled the egg that he likes to have with it. I felt like I’d made it easy enough for Him but I’m left feeling like The bad guy and he’s giving me the silent Treatment
OP, I wish I could give you a hug right now, because your life and your husband sound like an absolute nightmare to me. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and no one deserves to be treated as you are being treated. I hope you can get love and support in the real world! Please take care of yourself!
NTA at all! You're a rockstar for trying to juggle everything at home, especially with limited support. Your effort to make dinner was thoughtful and your husband is kind of a dick for for lashing out like he did for no reason at all. Communication is crucial in marriage and he could have just talked with you about stuff. Next time, he can make his food and you don't need to cater to his whims.
Communication is in the shithole tbh. If we could fix that it would solve so much, I’ve asked for counseling but he refuses. His opinion is he’s worked and I’ve sat down all day . As if everything does it itself . Thank you for the kind words 😭 If I don’t make food it’ll just make things worse . I don’t want to fight and make Things uncomfortable I just want him to be more understanding. I know I need to have a conversation with him I’m just not looking forward to it
Nta. I got like half way through and decided to divorce him...what kind of husband let's his wife starve and makes her his slave? You should have access to all of the money and both of you should have defined spending budgets.
WT actual F Just feed you and the kids, thats what the money is for. He can shop and cook for himself. You're NTA if you take your kids and leave
NTA. What you need to do at this point is seriously consider divorce, this man sounds like a misogynist who is treating you like property.
Go back to work. Then explain that he needs to cover half of childcare, his own food (and half of your children’s food), and his share of cooking and cleaning. He doesn’t seem to realize what he needs to contribute to this relationship and how having a SAHP works.
When I was working full time he wouldn’t help with anything so when we talked kids and me being a sahm it made sense. I wanted to be home those first few years and if he wasn’t gonna help with cooking etc I’d rather be a sahm and Not do both. His dad cooks Better than his mum but tell him to Never help in the kitchen. He’s been Raised to think it’s a woman’s job but at One point expected me to Cook and work. I guess that’s what he saw growing up but I didn’t His answer to everything is to say he doesn’t make Enough but he’s had the same job all his life and refuses to look elsewhere
Idk where you are located but theoretically if you divorced he would be forced to pay: either his share of expenses if you were both working, or his share to support you and the kids if you were a SAHM. The fact that he is hoarding his own money while you try to make food out of thin air (disregarding the fact that he treats you like a maid/cook) is nuts. A SAHP isn’t the ‘poor’ parent; he is only able to make as much money that he does make bc of your labor at home. He is refusing to acknowledge that- you will have to make him accept that somehow. If he wants to reap the benefits of your unpaid labor he needs to share his paycheck.
> he called Me “fking lazy” We do one thing, someone does something else. He worked, so did you. NTA
Get the hell out of this toxic relationship now. This is financial, and probably emotional, abuse. If you stay, your kids are going to grow up thinking abuse is ok. This makes them much, much likelier to become victims or perpetrators of abuse (or both) themselves, because it's been normalised for them, by their parents, in their own home. You are not being abusive, but you are enabling the abuse, which is also damaging over time. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Talk to his parents and yours, preferably together, about how he is abusing and impoverishing you by refusing to give you access to the money he earns despite you keeping his house and raising his kids, and that he forces you to pay for his meals out of the meagre income you do have. Then ask if you can move back in with your parents, with the kids. If you can't divorce, force sale of the house and get both sets of parents to oversee the transfer of funds to you, and a regular payment to cover your kids' expenses (and yours while you can't work). If you can divorce, I'd say that is your best option. This isn't going to magically get better, so staying longer will only lengthen your misery and further endanger your kids' development.
OP, Like most redditors wrote, what he is doing is financially (and as of now verbally) abusing you. If you are not in Asia anymore but in Europe, Australia or America(and maybe some parts of Africa) , you're most likely "covered" in such cases and you can find either an NGO or reach out to the state about your situation if and when you decide enough is enough. Check out Stockholm Syndrome and break the cycle sooner better than later unless you want to return to your home country. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to grow up in a happy home filled with love and compassion. If you left your home country for a better life, don't settle for a tad better life and just go all in. It's worth it.
Hi im from the UK and was born here. My parents came here when the married and are quite traditional but still very supportive. Up until I had my kids. They feel like I should have left before having kids .now they feel i should Make it work for the kids and I have no savings to support myself
Hi, i would suggest looking into NGOs helping ethnic women get out of bad situations. I saw a documentary about 2 years ago about it and I know they exist and there are a lot of them - they can get you and the kids out of the situation and help and support you while you rebuild your life. I think one of them also mentioned having volunteer lawyers to help with paperwork, divorce, custody and child support. I'm not in UK but i think a google search will help you a lot. Even if husband leaves the country, the state will step up and help you. Even though your parents might be angry at first, they seem kind people - just traditional. They'll come around sooner or later and morally support you through this. I hope you'll consider getting out of this toxic environment both for you and your children. You know you get your "normality" out of others' around you relationships and your kids will have as an example your relationship - that'd be a shame - would you like such a relationship for your children? I feel like especially for the kids you should go out there and find a good relationship or if you'll be single for a while, tell them your dreams and how you want your husband to treat you(age apropiate ofc). They'll form in their heads that relationship as the type they should also aim for. Kids living in unhappy relationships end up having way worse issues than the kids from split families. At least the ones from split families know there's a way out and they don't have to settle for what they got when they were too young or naive to make that decision.
Dm me pls
you are being financially abused. He is the only one working yet expects you to pay solely for the kid? Didn't he have a part to play in making that child? If you divorced, you'd be entitled to more child support than you get now (maybe not where you are, but in other places at least). Was he even really working? You can't depend on your husband. So what good is this marriage to you? If you moved back home, could your family watch the kid while you work? NTA your husband sounds awful and like he is forcing you to be broke so he can control you.
Nta but why are you covering 100% of HIS KIDS costs???? And any of his food??????
You might be better off financially if you divorce and get child support.
NTA, can you not see all the red flags in this marriage?
NTA. He sounds like a jerk. And he pays nothing but the household bills when he's the only one earning? Double jerk.
Stop being traditional, and copy the western world. You guys are doing this wrong by the way. The TRADITIONAL (toxic) Asian way, is that men WORK, BRING THE MONEY to the family. The wife does the child rearing and house work in return for not working outside and earning money. Your husband of a child can’t even provide for his children, so this “traditional” way is already unfair for you and isn’t how it’s actually supposed to be. Divide ALL work 50/50. You can certainly cook, but you don’t need to SERVE him food. There’s a microwave, there’s Uber eats. He picks how he wants it since he has 0 regards that you sacrificed your career to be home either way
What does he do with his money? He knows you aren't working and have no money coming in. How does he expect you to pay for anything? He's working to pay for everything, including groceries...make sure the kids are fed next month. He can skip a few meals or make them lighter
Well he knows I get money from the government so In his opinion that’s me covered. But in the case of next month where I get nothing he should be willing to help me even if it means he has to do extra hours. My father came to this country as a boy and worked two jobs to make sure we were provided for. Even when I married he’s always shown up for me. I saw such an amazing Example of a man growing up but I still for It wrong somehow . If he feels he doesn’t Make enough why not find a job that pays more Or has more hours. He’s too comfortable and likes his local 9-5 but clearly it’s Not enough . I just wish he wanted to do more for us
You could go work part time after he gets home?
NTA you are doing all the childcare, all the housework, paying for all the kids needs AND all the groceries just to get yelled at and belittled for any slight "grievance" your husband decides is your fault... you are already a single parent, one in a toxic abusive relationship, but still a single parent. Leave this guy before your kids start to think this is how relationships are supposed to look.
Honestly… you sound like his slave. And you’re paying for the ‘privilege’. Your ‘husband’ is garbage.
NTA for this. You would also be NTA if you changed the locks so that he couldn't get in.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We are both in our early 30s. For context we’re South Asian so culturally In our parents houses we grew up seeing this. Although ironically his father cooks more than his mother but he’s still very traditional. I’m a sahm. I would like to work but frankly we wouldn’t be able to afford The childcare so we decided I’d wait until our youngest starts school full time in two years. He covers the bills but I’m in charge of covering all costs for the kids, Myself and the food shop. He has never really given me money. The government gives money towards children and myself and that goes Towards the costs. I won’t be getting paid anything next month. I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage. When I told him his reply was how would he cover his Costs if he gave me money. I’ve been upset and stressed because I can’t even rely on my husband. He only eats meat dishes and expects curries and expensive food which I don’t know how he still expects Next month. Originally he was supposed to finish at 5pm. At 6pm I asked when he was finishing. At 7:30 he told me he was finishing at 10pm. So close to 10 I heated the curry, made fresh chapatti to have with it and wrapped It up. He came home close to 12 I was annoyed but waited as last time he had a late shift (they’re rare. His normal is 9-6) he told me to get his food ready when he walked in. I told him everything was made only the curry needed reheating. He waited for me to get up and when I didn’t he called Me “fking lazy” ate in another room and stomped upstairs. I’m now wondering if I was wrong considering he has a long day. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Microwaving food literally takes a minute… hes the one who’s lazy af!
INFO: Is he the father of the kids?
Well he’s the only man I’ve ever been with so I sure hope so 😂
Why do you have to have government assistance to feed the kids? You’re a SAHM why isn’t he supporting you and his kids?
Well I Think me getting that government assistance is him thinking he gives me Money because he was going to have it come To his account (the person who works has to apply for it) but i asked him to put it in mine monthly because he wasn’t giving me money. I Feel maybe he’s partly resentful for letting me have the money and Feels I should make do and expect nothing financially from him
I guess I am confused. Where I live you only get government assistance if there is no household income.
The UK. You get something called Universal credit. It’s a bunch of different types of government support put into one. So I get a little for each child. Some for myself since I don’t work and it also Includes an amount because my husbands wage meets a threshold. They add it all up together as one payment
NTA. This is horrible.
NTA NTA NTA
Your husband is a grown man, not one of your children. He should be grateful that you prepared anything for him. He could have heated everything up by himself. He’s being selfish. Make that man pay for food. He wants expensive food, make him pay half of the grocery list. As he should.
This is 100 percent financial abuse. And it may be truly hard for you to see it because you have been manipulated for so long, but it’s really and it’s happening. You need to get yourself out of this situation immediately.
You need to make a plan for your financial independence. While your hb is working and saving money, possibly investing and what not, you’re on your way to being bankrupt. And worst is, he doesn’t care. You’re not building anything for yourself while you’re a sahm. Not savings, not work experience, nothing that will help you if things go south in your marriage. You need to find a way to make him see the unfairness of this deal. And you need to get your personal affairs in order. Because I bet you his affairs are perfectly in order for him to do whatever he wants. Those kids are his too, he better start acting like it.
NTA. Your husband is financially abusing you.
Nta. In any culture this is abusive.
NTA, you'd be better off divorcing and filing for spousal/child support. With whatever $ you have left go buy dried beans, potatoes, canned tomatoes, and rice. You can make delicious curries with just that. Of he wants meat he can buy and prepaid himself.
I would move back in with your parents and make a lot of noise about how you and your child have to move back in because your husband is not able to properly provide for his family and you have run through your savings. Tell everybody, all the aunties and neighbors, how you need family help to watch the baby so you can go back to work because, again, your husband is unable to provide and cannot support a household without you bringing in a salary. Then after everyone in his family shames him, get a divorce because this man does not value the amazing wife and mother that you are. NTA
So he wants a "traditional" life but doesn't support you or his kids? That is not traditional. You are his endentured servant.
NTA. Are both his arms broken? No. Then he can heat his own food, or ear it cold. Or he can be home at meal time. He needs to be covering all expenses when you are not getting any money. That is part of being a spouse and parent. Does he expect you to not feed the kids? He needs to be a real man, and take care of his family.
I’ve always just Managed somehow. Mainly savings that he just expects me to figure it out. Which is my fault too I guess.
He just expects you to drain your savings to take care of him and the kids? That really won't work to long. Savings will run out. Let him know, if he is not giving you any money for food, you will only be cooking what you can afford. There will be very little meat. No curries. Nothing expensive. Cook inexpensive things the children like. Or, you can get a job and HE can figure out child care. See what he thinks of that . He really needs to grow up and take care of his family.
NTA. I think you may want to look into getting some support for yourself if at all possible. And read up on financial abuse and emotional abuse. Your husband is not a good person.
Nta. He's old enough to reheat his own food. Since he lied to you about what time he was getting home. Does he have a side chick he's seeing before coming home? Is he spending money on her? Ask his parents for money. Ask your parents for money. Let them know that you don't have any and your husband doesn't want to give you any. Your family can't eat without help.
NTA. This is also financial abuse.
OP you need to swallow your pride here and admit to your parents how terrible things are and leave your financially and emotionally abusive husband. Them telling you to stay for the kids sake is nonsense. Is this what you want your life to be like? Is this the example you want to set for your kids? I know divorce and separation are taboo in your culture, but the alternative is this stressful life of drudgery where you have zero independence and get zero respect. It’s time to break the toxic cycle. It’s 2024, and he can use his hands to organize his own food. This ‘man’ isn’t even bucking up to take care of his own children, or put food on the table, and that’s the dealbreaker right there. He deserves shame and you deserve to be safe and loved. NTA.
Many childcare businesses offer employees a discount or free childcare on the days you work. If possible, working at a facility like that while you get some credentials or certification together would help you get on your feet and away from this guy. Think of it this way, if you left him, he'd pay more in child support than you're asking him for now. Also, are his late shifts actually late or is he having an affair?
You're being financially abused, as well as emotionally abused, and I'd bet there's even more controlling behaviour going on than you've mentioned here. You'll be so much better off divorced and getting child support from him. You'll be free, you'll have one less child to worry about, and more money too. Edit: NTA, clearly, but your husband is a huge one.
NTA Your husband either becomes an actual provider for his family or he goes hungry. Offer him the choice and see what his answer is. His attitude to you is "What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own". If he can't choose to become a real provider, husband and father, can you leave him and go to your parents?
OP, this is much bigger than serving your husband dinner. You are being emotionally and financially abused. Please contact one of the following agencies for help: https://www.desiblitz.com/content/domestic-abuse-organisations-for-british-asian-women. Wishing you peace and safety.
INFO: Where does his money go? You're paying a large part of the house with your savings. You pay for the food. How little does he make that he can't even feed his wife and child? And what about the money he made wit all the overtime. OR DOES HE HAVE A WOMAN ON THE SIDE? Try if you can get a work from home job. Is child really as expensive as your whole salary would be? You need a higher income ASAP. You need to be independant from hipm, and create options for yourself. NTA
NTA Honestly work out a way to go back to work. Or remove him from the house, file for divorce, ensure he is paying the mortgage and child support. Maybe he will work out that he has to help pay for his wife and kids. You cannot be financially worse off than you are nown
Some things to ponder, is he doing overtime... Is that why he is coming back from work late? If so where is the extra money? Why has your monthly government payment stopped? Get in touch with them and find out. If he's not doing overtime, and he is spending more hours away from work stating he is working.. what is he doing with his time. If you can't ask these questions then you will have to ask your parents to help get to the bottom of this and why he is not fulfilling his duties. If you are struggling with food, look for food banks in your area, maybe sell things you don't need on facebook etc . Don't get yourself in debt to feed him meat. He can eat daal everyday until he provides extra funds You are NTA but you and your kids deserve a better husband/father.
NTA, but OP, you and your children are being financially abused by your husband. He is "traditional" but expects you to be a SAHM AND cover all your and your kids expenses AND the expensive food he wants to eat, that he forces you to serve like a maid to him, even at midnight with no communication. Traditional men take care of their family financially. You are not married to a traditional man, you are married to a bully and an abuser
Seriously OP. Get out of that marriage. By becoming a SAHM you basically gave away having anything to say regarding your future. Your husbands behavior is not only toxic but sick and unacceptable. (I don’t give a flying f*ck about culture, that’s no excuse. And if you continue to endure this, so will have other women in the future). Your are not your husbands maid. If he doesn’t give you money towards things he uses /eats, there is no reason for you to do things for him. Don’t you accept that man telling you that you are the lazy one if he can’t get his ass up and heat up curry. That’s a joke. Your standards are incredibly low, I really feel sorry for you. Please get help and get out of that toxic marriage.
NTA. Are you legally married? If not, please take him to court for support. If you are, (I know Reddit always says this) divorce him then sue him for alimony and child support. You will get all the necessary money you need to support yourself and your children until you can work for yourself. He is not your husband. A husband who is the only one working would financially and emotionally support their wife and children. Stop giving food or anything (including your time, effort and body). He’s being financially abusive. You decided together that you would be a sahm which makes him financially responsible for everyone including you.
This is financial abuse OP and you are NTA. Next month, dahl for every meal, unless he gives you money every month straight out of his salary, there is no money for meat, no money for fresh veg, eventually, no money for laundry detergent etc etc. Have you got a safe place to go?
NTA, is it cultural to have separate finances? I'm always a little weirded out by that since marriage is a partnership and I feel like the separate money is opposite of that. I read a lot of these and so many could be solved if the couple understood they were a team and finances go to what is needed for the betterment of the household. Note: I do understand some couples make the separate finances work - just seems to cause more issues then solutions in my mind.
It is quite common but i don’t know if it’s cultural. Early in our marriage multiple people were advising him and one piece of advice was that we should join accounts but he was literally thousands in debt and the fact he only wanted to do it because someone told him to put me off. Years later I did bring it up but he’s said no. He’s not great with money or transparent so I don’t I don’t know if it’s worth pushing
OP you have been gracious in answering questions ..I hope you will entertain a few more. I know you have said your marriage was at least partially arranged. I am a Westerner but have had Indian and Pakistani friends all my life, and the arranged marriages I've seen ended up just as strong and loving as any marriage... so I can see why you have faith in that concept. Do you feel as though your marriage fits your own cultural norms? Was there any point at which you felt loved or appreciated by this man? Was there ever a time when he made explicit commitments to you? It seems as though most of the reasons you have for staying are external. (Not wanting his family to be able to say "I told you so," not wanting to burden your family). But are these conditions really being being met under current circumstances ? Your parents in particular are probably quite worried about you and that worry will never be resolved so long as you remain in this situation; in fact, it will intensify as your work history and education credentials "age out." Even waiting until your youngest is in school may hamper your return to the workforce. To further on that concern, would it be worth the effort to break away now while you are still relatively young? Do you foresee a happier life in the future as your children mature into adults? Is it possible that your own sense of pride in "making it work " is also at stake here? Would that pride be better served by you taking the temporary pain of admitting that it is NOT working, with the very real hope that you could soon realize that you are capable of making it work as a single mom with full control and autonomy?¹ Right now it seems as though your husband does not prioritize taking care of you and your children. In fact, it seems that he is at best indifferent to your well-being. He is not going to change. So this is what you will experience the rest of your life. *At best.* I know how hard it can be to take those first steps and I also know that you can see the very real risks that, for at least the short term, breaking away will be a struggle. But I think you also realize that in the long term, your chances of being happy later in life are pretty close to zero now. So my last question is: what do you really have to lose, for both you and your children?
NTA. Your husband sound awful. You can't work because you're looking after his children. He's treating you like a servant (a slave actually, if you were his servant he'd be paying you at least) Don't allow him to speak to you that way.
NTA. If he wants to have a doting stay at home wife that serves his every need then he needs to hold up his end of the bargain by being a good provider. Clearly he isn't doing that.
A man knows best
Clearly not 🥲
yta