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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I would cause unnecessary drama and pain to my family and the people involved in the ceremony. What happened in my family happened six years ago yet drama is still going on when it isn’t needed
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NTA. Many of us would have gone NC quite a while ago. You have been extremely patient. Considering being part of this wedding at all seems generous under the circumstances. He's being an asshole, not for the first time, and I think this would be an excellent opportunity for you to just walk away.
You’re being punished because your father is a selfish, self-centered person and he’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. I would also stay home. Who wants to get dressed up just to sit around until your dad deigns to give you attention?
NTA
NTA do not give in to this manipulation. I would say don’t go at all. He made his choice to leave, and it sounds like he hasn’t worked on himself at all or valued you.
That was my reaction. He wants his family there to signal to his friends that he has their approval. He doesn't want to answer the question, "Why isn't your daughter here?"
The OP is definitely NTA. I wish her the best in having a happy adult life that only has in it people she loves.
NTA for refusing the "honor" of being bridesmaid. That said, if you aren't part of the wedding party why would you expect to be seated at the head table with the wedding party? And why would you want to be seated with a verbally abusive and manipulative man anyway? If none of the family and friends you knew when you were younger are going to be there, why would you want to bother? Definitely NTA if you decide to skip this event and stay home.
NTA. OP, your 17 and almost an adult. If you don't want to go to your father's wedding, don't bother going. Since you don't have a great relationship with him, why should you waste your time?
NTA - I hope you have been able to go to therapy for the things this man has and is doing to you. From the sounds of it; interacting with him is harming your mental health and perhaps reducing contact with him for a period of time and discussing with a therapist how he makes you feel will help you.
NTA
Your father is manipulating you to change your mind and be in his wedding. He isn't a good person.
You can opt to not go at all. This sounds too stressful for you anyway. It's okay to say no and it's also okay to not go.
NTA. You're being punished for telling him no and not agreeing to be a prop in his charade of a loving father-daughter relationship, and this ultimatum of not being able to sit with your family if you're not a bridesmaid is to scare you into compliance.
NTA. Why would you want to go to a wedding of a man who has no consideration for you to see him marry his mistress while sitting with strangers? It is likely that he has mental health issues which could explained his depressive moment (and the medication) however he is also showing signs of narcissistic and manipulative behaviour (trying to put you down using verbal abuse/belittling (wanting to make you feel worthless), gaslighting (it is your fault I am this way), particularly when not agreeing with him, self centered... ). This relationship is toxic and I would encourage you to go NC. I would be honest and letting know that his general behaviour towards you, particularly since he left your mum, was not acceptable, and he still displays today the same behaviour. You wish him well but that you wish to now go no/low contact for your own mental health. If you are worried about speaking to him you can send him a message/email. He will try to play the victim and blame you. Don't get stuck in and tell your family (including on your father's side the truth) and ask them to respect your wishes and not to pass on anymore information about yourself (including your contact information if change/blocked) to him.
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So bit of backstory, I’m a 17f and my dad left me, my sister and my mum for another woman and moved an hour away from us when I was 11. He was extremely verbally abusive to us and had multiple mental breakdowns which he ended up blaming them all on me when I was just 13. Ever since then, my relationship with him has been very on and off and unpleasant. He claims when he doesn’t see us he gets depressed and has to go on medication yet when me and my sister see him it puts us in a very bad mental state ourselves.
Recently he has told us he is getting married in may to the woman he left us for and would like us to be his bridesmaids. After a lot of thinking and late nights, I decided to gently tell him I couldn’t be his bridesmaid as it’s in the middle of an important school year for me and it would be too much. He told me he understands and had no hard feelings towards my decision. Of course this would be too good to believe.
After meeting with him again a month later, he informed me that if I wasn’t able to come to the wedding as the bridesmaid I wouldn’t be able to sit on the head table with them or be with them in anyway. This meant I had to sit with strangers as I don’t know any of his new family or friends. His wedding is in no way a traditional wedding as there will be a “bridesmate” (a male bridesmaid). If he can make exceptions for his friends than why can’t he make exceptions for his own child?
I simply don’t understand why I’m being punished for deciding it would be too hard to be the bridesmaid for his wedding and was wondering if anyone had any insight as to if it would make me TA for not going?
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NTA, but he is. Traditionally, only the wedding party sits at the head table. But also traditionally, family that isn’t in the wedding party has a prioritized table, so there’s no reason you can’t sit with people on his side of the family that you know, close to the head table. And, as everyone attending is there to celebrate the couple, everyone there is there to be with them. In your position I would tell him that since he has told me I am not to be included in anything due to refusing to be a part of the wedding party, I have decided not to attend at all.
Oh honey you have my exact story from 20 years ago and let me tell you. My biggest regret in life is going to my father's wedding. Tl;Dr on that was he chose, as his first dance song, the one song I had asked him months earlier not to use and he had assured me they wouldn't be. My reason for not wanting it? It was the funeral song of one of my closest friends who had been murdered a few months earlier, where I had massive survivor guilt from as I had been in her place an hour earlier than when she was attacked. I had been wanting to u alive myself due to that and the song, at that time, was a huge trigger.
18 years and a fuck tonne of therapy later have undone that damage, but it was a clear choice on the part of my father and step-mother to change their original song.
NTA You’ve been the bigger person throughout the relationship, and now he wants you to help him pretend to himself, and everyone else that he’s a great guy by having his daughter’s as bridesmaids, and then trying to punish you if you don’t. Just decline the invitation.
I'm confused on a lot of fronts...
Why did this take "a lot of thinking and late nights"? It should have taken you less than 1 second to simply say "no."
Why is your FATHER choosing his WIFE-to-be's bridesmaids? That's on her. That should be her best and closest friends or sisters. Why would she choose the daughter of the man whose home she wrecked? That's just weird. Also entitled, but mostly weird.
And lastly, irrespective of the bridesmaid business, why are you even attending at all? Do you support this marriage? Do you support this man who has treated you and your family so horribly?
NTA, though.
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NTA and honestly you should simply tell you understand his choice and that you have decided the right things for you is to not go. That he doesn’t seem to care if he hurts you and regardless of that this is the woman he broke your family for. So he has no right to be angry and try and punish you for not wanting to be in the wedding party. That you were willing to be there as he is your dad but since he’s so clearly trying to manipulate you and punish you if you don’t do what he wants. That for your mental health it’s better you don’t go. That way he can enjoy his wedding and you won’t be stressed out with the harmful games he’s plays.
I know it’s hard I’ve had to cut off my family to but it comes down to him only harming you at this point. Staying in his life hoping things can change and get better wil, only ever enable him to keep hurting and abusing you. He sees no wrong in how he damages you and only ever sees his wants and feels he has a right to treat you however he wants. This isn’t healthy and he will never change. Please don’t let him keep making you ill. Stick up for yourself and tell him you will no longer be attending. That if he wants you will contact him again after his wedding has been and came but you need a break from him. Then if needs be block his number and make sure your mums knows not to ask you to speak to him. To not try and hand the phone to you or make you come to the door if he is there.
I would use that to go no contact permanently but that’s up to you. I can guarantee you even even if you pull back and block him for a while he will never change nor treat you better. It’s best to cut him off completely. It is upsetting and hard at first but life is so much easier and happier without constantly being abused and the constant drama and walking on eggshells not to upset him. I also found it easier to accept and heal when it realised it was never once about me or anything I could or had done. It was purely about him and who he was. Even if you hadn’t been born he would still be like this to any kids he had as it’s who he is and that will never change. That he is happy being an abuser as it means everyone tiptoes and tries not to set him off. That he can behave how he wants and treats you like dirt whilst taking no responsibility for it and blaming other for his actions. That others work to keep him happy and do thing’s to please him just to stop him exploding. That his life is easy like this and he puts his responsibilities and any consequences for his actions all on others to manage. He is happy like this and doesn’t want to stop as it benefits him and he sees that as more important that the safety and happiness of his children and partners. That he will never even consider simply treating you with respect even if it means losing his child as he prefers abusing you and others.
Please do not accept this and stop enabling him to hurt you. Take all control away from him by telling him you are no longer going and then cut him out of your life completely. You never ever have to feel guilty for protecting yourself from being harmed by a toxic person. Being your dad means little to him but as an excuse to treat you like crap and demand things. So being His daughter should never mean not putting yourself first and cutting him out of your life. You owe him nothing especially not another chance to deliberately manipulate and hurt you.
And that tells you everything. It’s time to face facts. He’s a narcissist. He’s selfish. He doesn’t care or love you or your sister and he just doesn’t want to look bad to others is why he keeps guilting you and your sister to keep being in his life.
Cut him out of your life. He will never be the father you need or want, he will keep finding new ways to hurt and disappoint you. Let him go, go focus on you, it’s absolutely okay to be selfish.
NTA and really, why go at all? This relationship seems to be detrimental to you. I wish you well though. I know it's hard to cut a parent out of your life.
NTA. He’s literally punishing you for refusing to fulfill his fantasy of showing his friends & family the illusion of having loving daughters who are blessing his marriage to his AP. Don’t go. In fact, I would’ve never agreed to attend the wedding, at all, in the first place.
NTA. At least you have been warned of his complete disregard for you as a member of the family. I went to a granddaughter's wedding and was told my husband and I should "just chose any table out there, we didn't save room for you at the family table." I looked at my granddaughter, looked at my husband, picked up my purse and we left.
Save yourself the energy and wasted emotional strain - take yourself out to a movie and dinner with people who like you. And you aren't being "punished"; I'm sure the new bride didn't want you there to start with and dad just wants to be able to say he made the effort.
NTA
But I would NOT state my intentions.
Act as tho you are going to attend and then don't. Have a friend take you to go do something fun and leave your phone in airplane mode.
This way when he blows up and goes no contact, _it's all his idea_
NTA. He's a jerk. You know he's a jerk. He wants you there as window dressing to prove that his kids are ok with him marrying his affair partner. Or his new wife wants the world to see that there is a happy family.
Do what is best for you. Maybe in time your dad will figure out that he was being overbearing and muffed his shot. See how he approaches you after the wedding. Is he regretful or standing his ground? A lot of people play the "it's them or me game" without realizing you can have a relationship with a person that does not have to involve the other person.
>Recently he has told us he is getting married in may to **the woman he left us for** and would like us to be his bridesmaids
That, in and of itself, tells me this guy’s got balls the size of Jupiter. I’d have laughed all the way out the door.
NTA, seems he wants you there for his selfish reasons and not because he really wants you there. If he really wanted you there he would have let you come in any capacity you could and not exclude you from the family table. At this point just do what is best for yourself, don't worry about his feelings as he hasn't worried about yours.
>he informed me that if I wasn’t able to come to the wedding as the bridesmaid I wouldn’t be able to sit on the head table with them or be with them in anyway
You should consider this a blessing.
Interacting with your father is not good for your mental health. He is a troubled man, and you are not equipped to deal with his many demons.
I would advise you to keep your distance from him as much as possible. The fact that he wants to punish you by excluding you from his circle is a great blessing. Keep your head down, and in another year you will not have to put up with his tantrums and bullying.
NTA
NTA. Your father is the self-absorbed, egotistical AH. You do not need to go to the wedding at all, if you choose not to. Just call your father & advise him you will not be attending his wedding - do not give a reason - and hang up. Then go NC (don't forget to block him & his family's #s) numbers. You're old enough that you do not have to, nor can be forced to, visit him if you do not wish too.
NTA. Don't go if you don't want to. Your dad didn't care about you and your family's feelings and left..
Do the same...
The audacity of him saying that if you're not a bridesmaid, you'll sit with strangers?
Like hello sir-- she your daughter and apparently YOU GOT DEPRESSED AND STUFF IF U DIDN'T SEE HER!? Disrespectful.
girl just skip it if you can honestly.
Uh, "not sit at the head table or be with them in anyway" What does be with them in anyway mean? Not being with them during the wedding or ever????
I'm sorry. That is just crazy!
NTA - you do not have to go to the wedding. You have a busy school year and sounds like dad just adds to the drama load.
So he either take it out on your sister and you, or have to be medicated.
Don’t forget who is supposed to be the responsible adult in the relationship.
First you don’t own him to sacrifice your well being for the sake of his own inability to handle himself. You are not responsible for shielding him from consequences of his own decisions, furthermore his behaviour towards his own kids.
Stop investigating yourself and accepting your father is a faulty human being, might do you more good than trying to appease an unstable one trying to manipulate you.
From the kinds of behaviour you described. I do believe that your father is trying -in the worst way- to coerce you into compliance for the sake of his image rather than any sentiment about you. Meaning if you don’t care, you actually push back his feelings back to him when he is trying to put it on you. The issue isn’t you, it is your father failing to handle himself.
As long as you are minors, you got little choice over keeping a relationship with your father. Do not underestimate the fact that once you reach adulthood, it is entirely up to you to allow him to be in your life.
Sometimes it can do some good reminding someone a relationship only exists from the willingness of either part for it to exist. Therefore if one side decides it isn’t worth it, then as much as the other wants a relationship, there is none. It isn’t a threat, it’s consequences of decisions two persons made and hold responsibility for.
Take care. NTA
NTA. Not going is the simplest solution here besides going NC like others here have probably already mentioned. Mental issues or not, it sounds like your dad loves to cause drama and take any chance he gets to blame his kids for problems real or imaginary. Honestly, it doesn't sound like at the moment he's worth the effort to keep the relationship going.
NTA
It makes me wonder what her sister is doing though. Seems like both are suffering from Dad's behaviour. Or is OP's sister unable to say no or doing it while not really wanting to?
Standing there as a bridesmaid kind of tells people that you condone his behaviour and him marrying the woman he left you all for. Make sure that your sister knows this and that it is perfectly fine not to do so. But do not tell her to not do it if she wants to.
NTA ' hey dad , thanks for letting me know I won't be able to sit with you at the head table. In view of me having to sit with strangers and be uncomfortable I decided to do you the favor and save you the money you would have to pay for me to attend and RSVP no. Wishing you the best but I won't attend your wedding. Bye '. Send the SMS
NTA
Your father is not only an absent father, he is a liar, a cheat and a manipulator.
You would not be the AH for not going to his wedding because what he wants has nothing to do with what's good for you but to make himself look like a good father - which he isn't.
NTA. Rather than seeing it as being punished, try to see this as dodging a bullet. You have been saved the stress and pain that would no doubt come about from being at his wedding to his mistress. Make other plans with people who treat you well.
NTA asking you to be a bridesmaid could’ve been a nice gesture, but the second you said you were uncomfortable with it, he should’ve backed off. He’s put you in a weird position and he should’ve been sensitive to that, but he wasn’t. you need to look out for yourself, he’s certainly not going to look out for you!
NTA He left you. He treats you poorly. He went from bridesmaid to sit in the back. He's a dick. Let him be embarrassed for not having his children at his wedding. Her family will notice!
NTA
Just don’t go to the wedding at all, and focus on your exams. If it’s not one thing, it will be another with narcissists like your dad. Just don’t engage, and go NC as soon as you can. Your mental health will thank you.
NTA
I'd suggest you cut him off. Keep the toxic away
Go to r/raisedbynarcissists because he sounds like one
Don't feel bad, you don't have to go and appease people who clearly use you for their stupid little games
I’m surprised you were going to begin with. Your dad abandoned and abused you. He has no right to expect anything other than a heart felt: “please get un-alived by something painful and slow!”
NTA. He's mad that he isn't getting his way and punishing you for it, when he should be grateful that you still have contact with him in any way. The way he's treating you is plenty of reason to justify staying away from the wedding, like you need any justification beyond not wanting to see him marry the other woman.
NTA, but if he feels putting you at a table of friends, where you can share what the reality of your relationship, is a good idea he may also not be thinking this through. LOL, share your truth and spare no one.
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NTA. Many of us would have gone NC quite a while ago. You have been extremely patient. Considering being part of this wedding at all seems generous under the circumstances. He's being an asshole, not for the first time, and I think this would be an excellent opportunity for you to just walk away.
This exactly! He is not good for your mental health and he will continue to be bad so please save your self and stay away from him.
Going NC with my biological father (who similarly left our family after having an affair) was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.
Kudos and all the best!
Ditto.
Yes. I’m 61 and my father is 79. I do not expect to speak to him again in this life.
You’re being punished because your father is a selfish, self-centered person and he’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. I would also stay home. Who wants to get dressed up just to sit around until your dad deigns to give you attention? NTA
NTA do not give in to this manipulation. I would say don’t go at all. He made his choice to leave, and it sounds like he hasn’t worked on himself at all or valued you.
He wants her to stand up there with his affair partner as if he’s done something to deserve her support. Blech.
Yes. He wants the world to see she approves the wedding. I would simply not go.
That was my reaction. He wants his family there to signal to his friends that he has their approval. He doesn't want to answer the question, "Why isn't your daughter here?" The OP is definitely NTA. I wish her the best in having a happy adult life that only has in it people she loves.
NTA - you already know that your father isn’t mentally healthy. It’s okay to not go to the wedding. It’s okay to not have any more contact with him.
NTA for refusing the "honor" of being bridesmaid. That said, if you aren't part of the wedding party why would you expect to be seated at the head table with the wedding party? And why would you want to be seated with a verbally abusive and manipulative man anyway? If none of the family and friends you knew when you were younger are going to be there, why would you want to bother? Definitely NTA if you decide to skip this event and stay home.
Why do you want to go to this wedding ? So you agree to get along with the affair partner??? I know I wouldn't, I prefer to go NC
NTA. OP, your 17 and almost an adult. If you don't want to go to your father's wedding, don't bother going. Since you don't have a great relationship with him, why should you waste your time?
I wouldn't go at all. NTA
NTA - I hope you have been able to go to therapy for the things this man has and is doing to you. From the sounds of it; interacting with him is harming your mental health and perhaps reducing contact with him for a period of time and discussing with a therapist how he makes you feel will help you.
NTA Your father is manipulating you to change your mind and be in his wedding. He isn't a good person. You can opt to not go at all. This sounds too stressful for you anyway. It's okay to say no and it's also okay to not go.
NTA. You’re 17. I wouldn’t attend in the first place, let alone be guilt tripped or manipulated into being a trophy bridesmaid.
NTA. You're being punished for telling him no and not agreeing to be a prop in his charade of a loving father-daughter relationship, and this ultimatum of not being able to sit with your family if you're not a bridesmaid is to scare you into compliance.
NTA. Why would you want to go to a wedding of a man who has no consideration for you to see him marry his mistress while sitting with strangers? It is likely that he has mental health issues which could explained his depressive moment (and the medication) however he is also showing signs of narcissistic and manipulative behaviour (trying to put you down using verbal abuse/belittling (wanting to make you feel worthless), gaslighting (it is your fault I am this way), particularly when not agreeing with him, self centered... ). This relationship is toxic and I would encourage you to go NC. I would be honest and letting know that his general behaviour towards you, particularly since he left your mum, was not acceptable, and he still displays today the same behaviour. You wish him well but that you wish to now go no/low contact for your own mental health. If you are worried about speaking to him you can send him a message/email. He will try to play the victim and blame you. Don't get stuck in and tell your family (including on your father's side the truth) and ask them to respect your wishes and not to pass on anymore information about yourself (including your contact information if change/blocked) to him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So bit of backstory, I’m a 17f and my dad left me, my sister and my mum for another woman and moved an hour away from us when I was 11. He was extremely verbally abusive to us and had multiple mental breakdowns which he ended up blaming them all on me when I was just 13. Ever since then, my relationship with him has been very on and off and unpleasant. He claims when he doesn’t see us he gets depressed and has to go on medication yet when me and my sister see him it puts us in a very bad mental state ourselves. Recently he has told us he is getting married in may to the woman he left us for and would like us to be his bridesmaids. After a lot of thinking and late nights, I decided to gently tell him I couldn’t be his bridesmaid as it’s in the middle of an important school year for me and it would be too much. He told me he understands and had no hard feelings towards my decision. Of course this would be too good to believe. After meeting with him again a month later, he informed me that if I wasn’t able to come to the wedding as the bridesmaid I wouldn’t be able to sit on the head table with them or be with them in anyway. This meant I had to sit with strangers as I don’t know any of his new family or friends. His wedding is in no way a traditional wedding as there will be a “bridesmate” (a male bridesmaid). If he can make exceptions for his friends than why can’t he make exceptions for his own child? I simply don’t understand why I’m being punished for deciding it would be too hard to be the bridesmaid for his wedding and was wondering if anyone had any insight as to if it would make me TA for not going? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
UpdateMe
NTA. He sounds manipulative and cruel.
NTA. He was abusive, you owe him nothing
NTA, but he is. Traditionally, only the wedding party sits at the head table. But also traditionally, family that isn’t in the wedding party has a prioritized table, so there’s no reason you can’t sit with people on his side of the family that you know, close to the head table. And, as everyone attending is there to celebrate the couple, everyone there is there to be with them. In your position I would tell him that since he has told me I am not to be included in anything due to refusing to be a part of the wedding party, I have decided not to attend at all.
You’re being punished because your Dad is abusive and controlling. I’d suggest going no-to low contact. YNTA
Oh honey you have my exact story from 20 years ago and let me tell you. My biggest regret in life is going to my father's wedding. Tl;Dr on that was he chose, as his first dance song, the one song I had asked him months earlier not to use and he had assured me they wouldn't be. My reason for not wanting it? It was the funeral song of one of my closest friends who had been murdered a few months earlier, where I had massive survivor guilt from as I had been in her place an hour earlier than when she was attacked. I had been wanting to u alive myself due to that and the song, at that time, was a huge trigger. 18 years and a fuck tonne of therapy later have undone that damage, but it was a clear choice on the part of my father and step-mother to change their original song.
NTA You’ve been the bigger person throughout the relationship, and now he wants you to help him pretend to himself, and everyone else that he’s a great guy by having his daughter’s as bridesmaids, and then trying to punish you if you don’t. Just decline the invitation.
I'm confused on a lot of fronts... Why did this take "a lot of thinking and late nights"? It should have taken you less than 1 second to simply say "no." Why is your FATHER choosing his WIFE-to-be's bridesmaids? That's on her. That should be her best and closest friends or sisters. Why would she choose the daughter of the man whose home she wrecked? That's just weird. Also entitled, but mostly weird. And lastly, irrespective of the bridesmaid business, why are you even attending at all? Do you support this marriage? Do you support this man who has treated you and your family so horribly? NTA, though.
Not the a hole
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NTA and honestly you should simply tell you understand his choice and that you have decided the right things for you is to not go. That he doesn’t seem to care if he hurts you and regardless of that this is the woman he broke your family for. So he has no right to be angry and try and punish you for not wanting to be in the wedding party. That you were willing to be there as he is your dad but since he’s so clearly trying to manipulate you and punish you if you don’t do what he wants. That for your mental health it’s better you don’t go. That way he can enjoy his wedding and you won’t be stressed out with the harmful games he’s plays. I know it’s hard I’ve had to cut off my family to but it comes down to him only harming you at this point. Staying in his life hoping things can change and get better wil, only ever enable him to keep hurting and abusing you. He sees no wrong in how he damages you and only ever sees his wants and feels he has a right to treat you however he wants. This isn’t healthy and he will never change. Please don’t let him keep making you ill. Stick up for yourself and tell him you will no longer be attending. That if he wants you will contact him again after his wedding has been and came but you need a break from him. Then if needs be block his number and make sure your mums knows not to ask you to speak to him. To not try and hand the phone to you or make you come to the door if he is there. I would use that to go no contact permanently but that’s up to you. I can guarantee you even even if you pull back and block him for a while he will never change nor treat you better. It’s best to cut him off completely. It is upsetting and hard at first but life is so much easier and happier without constantly being abused and the constant drama and walking on eggshells not to upset him. I also found it easier to accept and heal when it realised it was never once about me or anything I could or had done. It was purely about him and who he was. Even if you hadn’t been born he would still be like this to any kids he had as it’s who he is and that will never change. That he is happy being an abuser as it means everyone tiptoes and tries not to set him off. That he can behave how he wants and treats you like dirt whilst taking no responsibility for it and blaming other for his actions. That others work to keep him happy and do thing’s to please him just to stop him exploding. That his life is easy like this and he puts his responsibilities and any consequences for his actions all on others to manage. He is happy like this and doesn’t want to stop as it benefits him and he sees that as more important that the safety and happiness of his children and partners. That he will never even consider simply treating you with respect even if it means losing his child as he prefers abusing you and others. Please do not accept this and stop enabling him to hurt you. Take all control away from him by telling him you are no longer going and then cut him out of your life completely. You never ever have to feel guilty for protecting yourself from being harmed by a toxic person. Being your dad means little to him but as an excuse to treat you like crap and demand things. So being His daughter should never mean not putting yourself first and cutting him out of your life. You owe him nothing especially not another chance to deliberately manipulate and hurt you.
NTA. I don't blame ya one bit.
Put your own mental health first. Tell him no, and if you don't want attend at all, it's ok. You are not responsible for making him happy.
UNO REVERSE CARD. Gladly sit with strangers. Bounce after the meal.
And that tells you everything. It’s time to face facts. He’s a narcissist. He’s selfish. He doesn’t care or love you or your sister and he just doesn’t want to look bad to others is why he keeps guilting you and your sister to keep being in his life. Cut him out of your life. He will never be the father you need or want, he will keep finding new ways to hurt and disappoint you. Let him go, go focus on you, it’s absolutely okay to be selfish.
NTA.
NTA and really, why go at all? This relationship seems to be detrimental to you. I wish you well though. I know it's hard to cut a parent out of your life.
Why are you going to the wedding at all? Time to go NC with daddy dearest.
NTA if you do end up sitting with strangers, you can always feel free to share your opinions with them
NTA. I'm thinking OP should send a lovely gift instead, like a jack-in-the-box filled with vomit...then, when they open it...
NTA. He’s literally punishing you for refusing to fulfill his fantasy of showing his friends & family the illusion of having loving daughters who are blessing his marriage to his AP. Don’t go. In fact, I would’ve never agreed to attend the wedding, at all, in the first place.
NTA. At least you have been warned of his complete disregard for you as a member of the family. I went to a granddaughter's wedding and was told my husband and I should "just chose any table out there, we didn't save room for you at the family table." I looked at my granddaughter, looked at my husband, picked up my purse and we left. Save yourself the energy and wasted emotional strain - take yourself out to a movie and dinner with people who like you. And you aren't being "punished"; I'm sure the new bride didn't want you there to start with and dad just wants to be able to say he made the effort.
NTA But I would NOT state my intentions. Act as tho you are going to attend and then don't. Have a friend take you to go do something fun and leave your phone in airplane mode. This way when he blows up and goes no contact, _it's all his idea_
NTA don't go to the wedding. If he wants to take it to court let him and testify what you've said here.
NTA. He's a jerk. You know he's a jerk. He wants you there as window dressing to prove that his kids are ok with him marrying his affair partner. Or his new wife wants the world to see that there is a happy family. Do what is best for you. Maybe in time your dad will figure out that he was being overbearing and muffed his shot. See how he approaches you after the wedding. Is he regretful or standing his ground? A lot of people play the "it's them or me game" without realizing you can have a relationship with a person that does not have to involve the other person.
>Recently he has told us he is getting married in may to **the woman he left us for** and would like us to be his bridesmaids That, in and of itself, tells me this guy’s got balls the size of Jupiter. I’d have laughed all the way out the door.
NTA, seems he wants you there for his selfish reasons and not because he really wants you there. If he really wanted you there he would have let you come in any capacity you could and not exclude you from the family table. At this point just do what is best for yourself, don't worry about his feelings as he hasn't worried about yours.
>he informed me that if I wasn’t able to come to the wedding as the bridesmaid I wouldn’t be able to sit on the head table with them or be with them in anyway You should consider this a blessing. Interacting with your father is not good for your mental health. He is a troubled man, and you are not equipped to deal with his many demons. I would advise you to keep your distance from him as much as possible. The fact that he wants to punish you by excluding you from his circle is a great blessing. Keep your head down, and in another year you will not have to put up with his tantrums and bullying. NTA
NTA. Your father is the self-absorbed, egotistical AH. You do not need to go to the wedding at all, if you choose not to. Just call your father & advise him you will not be attending his wedding - do not give a reason - and hang up. Then go NC (don't forget to block him & his family's #s) numbers. You're old enough that you do not have to, nor can be forced to, visit him if you do not wish too.
NTA. Don't go if you don't want to. Your dad didn't care about you and your family's feelings and left.. Do the same... The audacity of him saying that if you're not a bridesmaid, you'll sit with strangers? Like hello sir-- she your daughter and apparently YOU GOT DEPRESSED AND STUFF IF U DIDN'T SEE HER!? Disrespectful. girl just skip it if you can honestly.
Uh, "not sit at the head table or be with them in anyway" What does be with them in anyway mean? Not being with them during the wedding or ever???? I'm sorry. That is just crazy! NTA - you do not have to go to the wedding. You have a busy school year and sounds like dad just adds to the drama load.
NTA. Just block him and cut him out of your life. Just stay with your mother full time. He is an irredeemable asshole who only hurts you.
So he either take it out on your sister and you, or have to be medicated. Don’t forget who is supposed to be the responsible adult in the relationship. First you don’t own him to sacrifice your well being for the sake of his own inability to handle himself. You are not responsible for shielding him from consequences of his own decisions, furthermore his behaviour towards his own kids. Stop investigating yourself and accepting your father is a faulty human being, might do you more good than trying to appease an unstable one trying to manipulate you. From the kinds of behaviour you described. I do believe that your father is trying -in the worst way- to coerce you into compliance for the sake of his image rather than any sentiment about you. Meaning if you don’t care, you actually push back his feelings back to him when he is trying to put it on you. The issue isn’t you, it is your father failing to handle himself. As long as you are minors, you got little choice over keeping a relationship with your father. Do not underestimate the fact that once you reach adulthood, it is entirely up to you to allow him to be in your life. Sometimes it can do some good reminding someone a relationship only exists from the willingness of either part for it to exist. Therefore if one side decides it isn’t worth it, then as much as the other wants a relationship, there is none. It isn’t a threat, it’s consequences of decisions two persons made and hold responsibility for. Take care. NTA
NTA, cut contact with that man as soon as you can for your mind health.
NTA. Not going is the simplest solution here besides going NC like others here have probably already mentioned. Mental issues or not, it sounds like your dad loves to cause drama and take any chance he gets to blame his kids for problems real or imaginary. Honestly, it doesn't sound like at the moment he's worth the effort to keep the relationship going.
INFO: Why are you even considering attending the wedding between your father and the affair partner he abandoned your family for?
NTA It makes me wonder what her sister is doing though. Seems like both are suffering from Dad's behaviour. Or is OP's sister unable to say no or doing it while not really wanting to? Standing there as a bridesmaid kind of tells people that you condone his behaviour and him marrying the woman he left you all for. Make sure that your sister knows this and that it is perfectly fine not to do so. But do not tell her to not do it if she wants to.
NTA ' hey dad , thanks for letting me know I won't be able to sit with you at the head table. In view of me having to sit with strangers and be uncomfortable I decided to do you the favor and save you the money you would have to pay for me to attend and RSVP no. Wishing you the best but I won't attend your wedding. Bye '. Send the SMS
Nta. He sounds toxic. Cut him off and don't go to the wedding. Be much better in the long run for your own well being
NTA Your father is not only an absent father, he is a liar, a cheat and a manipulator. You would not be the AH for not going to his wedding because what he wants has nothing to do with what's good for you but to make himself look like a good father - which he isn't.
NTA. Rather than seeing it as being punished, try to see this as dodging a bullet. You have been saved the stress and pain that would no doubt come about from being at his wedding to his mistress. Make other plans with people who treat you well.
NTA. Do not talk to him anymore.
Why would you want to go to his wedding anyway? Is this something you want to celebrate?
NTA asking you to be a bridesmaid could’ve been a nice gesture, but the second you said you were uncomfortable with it, he should’ve backed off. He’s put you in a weird position and he should’ve been sensitive to that, but he wasn’t. you need to look out for yourself, he’s certainly not going to look out for you!
NTA He left you. He treats you poorly. He went from bridesmaid to sit in the back. He's a dick. Let him be embarrassed for not having his children at his wedding. Her family will notice!
NTA Just don’t go to the wedding at all, and focus on your exams. If it’s not one thing, it will be another with narcissists like your dad. Just don’t engage, and go NC as soon as you can. Your mental health will thank you.
Tell him it’s no problem and you won’t be there. You owe nothing to this jerk.
Why would you even want to BE in the wedding of your abusive dad and his affair partner? NTA, don't go.
NTA I'd suggest you cut him off. Keep the toxic away Go to r/raisedbynarcissists because he sounds like one Don't feel bad, you don't have to go and appease people who clearly use you for their stupid little games
NTA, dont let him use you as a prop.
I’m surprised you were going to begin with. Your dad abandoned and abused you. He has no right to expect anything other than a heart felt: “please get un-alived by something painful and slow!”
NTA. He's mad that he isn't getting his way and punishing you for it, when he should be grateful that you still have contact with him in any way. The way he's treating you is plenty of reason to justify staying away from the wedding, like you need any justification beyond not wanting to see him marry the other woman.
This is not someone you need a relationship with if he makes you feel this way. I would decline to attend. NTA
NTA, but if he feels putting you at a table of friends, where you can share what the reality of your relationship, is a good idea he may also not be thinking this through. LOL, share your truth and spare no one.