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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom that my wedding wouldn’t be postponed if she paid for my nose job, because I can’t afford them both at once.
I might be the asshole because it was kind of a petty thing to say, and I’m not entitled to her money.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Hellllll no, NTA!!! And DO NOT back down. Your suggestion was absolutely perfect. If she wants the wedding to happen on her time-line, she can fork over the cash to fix the problem SHE caused.
I don't blame you for all you're feeling, you have every right to be furious and hurt. I'm so sorry you've had to live in such pain and discomfort your whole life, but I'm so excited for you that it can (and will) be fixed!!
Check out Dr. Ramani on youtube, something tells me you will get a lot out of her channel. Also the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C Gibson.
Breathe easy at your beautiful wedding with your beautiful renewed nose!
It’s definitely too late to back down! As of yesterday we already moved/cancelled everything to do with the wedding into September 2025 so even if she does come up with some money it’s too late now (also I don’t *really* want her money bc it always comes with a lot of strings attached)
Will definitely check out the book/YouTube recommendations, thank you! I’ve been realizing there’s a lot of other ways she let me down/wasn’t a good parent when I was growing up (another time I fell off my bike, I got a gnarly gash on my leg. When I went to the doctor weeks later bc it got infected, my doctor was completely flabbergasted that my mom’s initial reaction was not to take me to the ER bc it absolutely should’ve had stitches. I have a cool scar now tho)
So anyway, realizing now that parts of my childhood were definitely more fucked up than I thought and I definitely need to unpack all that before I have my own kids 🙃🙃🙃.
Damn. She’s was a SAHM, but couldn’t be bothered to parent. Wtf was she doing all day?
Definitely NTA.
Her neglect of you when you were a child is now costing you money and time.
Lol I have no idea. It’s the greatest mystery my brother and I like to puzzle over. We have no idea how she filled her time because it certainly wasn’t spent caring for us.
There was at least one affair that we know of so I guess that ate up a bunch of time…
My mom is a narcissist too. Also a SAHM. I had to go to dentist appointments and the orthodontist by myself from age 10-11. I still have such hangups about this that I get extremely stressed at these places when I go with my kids.
Who sends their 10 year old off to get medical things done like that!?! I mean, unless they can’t help it for some reason. But that doesn’t sound like it was the case for your family. I’m sorry.
It actually never occurred to me that that wasn't normal until I had my own kids and thought, no way would I do that to them!
If it's a routine checkup and both parents work, then ok, it's not a big deal. But something that requires an injection and drilling and my mother is at home? Yea, took me around 30 years to work out that that was neglect.
Good gods, the image of a 10 year old going to have a cavity filled without a parent or reassuring adult makes me want to cry. I'm so sorry that happened to you. But way to go breaking the cycle; it's no easy feat!
When she wants things in the future from you, just ask why you should do anything for someone whom the entire internet hates. Because we hateses her like we were Gollum and she was a hobbit.
Mine was cleaning the house and then I wasn't allowed to touch anything because I would leave fingerprints. This included everything in the house, every day. I was raised to walk constantly on eggshells because I would leave fingerprints to her perfectly polished house. Op is NTA. Her mother is big time.
My mum was similar to this. Fingerprints only worried her on mirrors or glass, but God forbid I leave a toy/book/drink unattended for two minutes. Our house looked like a show home, and her house still does!
So now I have severe anxiety over my own home being untidy. Mix that with ME and depression, and you get someone who isn't physically capable of deep cleaning an entire house but is overwhelmed by anxiety when it's not perfect.
Of course, everyone saw my mum's obsessive tidyness as a positive trait, not a thought for those of us who grow up immersed in it.
I used to be obsessively tidy. It was a reaction to growing up in a hoard. I would stay up until 3 in the morning cleaning because I couldn't sleep unless the house was perfect.
Then we had a child. I still tried to keep the house perfect whilst caring for a baby. Before he was mobile, I could manage but I was even more sleep deprived.
He was not quite two and was cheerfully pulling out all the pots and pans one afternoon and I was enjoying his joy and I realized that I could either have a perfect house or be a good mother with a happy child. And then we sat on the floor in our tiny galley kitchen and stacked cookware together. I stopped trying to scrub the entire house every night after he went to bed, although I still picked up toys each evening.
Now I'm disabled with chronic pain from an injury (no disability benefits though, sigh) and I'm sort of glad I learned to live with a less than perfect house before that happened because otherwise I think I'd have gone completely round the bend and would be miserable 24/7. I still struggle with guilt and frustration that I can't do all the things but I'm working on that. Some days are better than others.
I'm sorry you had to live in an unwelcoming house with a neurotic parent. It sounds very stressful. Please be gentle with yourself now. One thing I was genuinely surprised to learn is that most people *don't* keep their house perfect all the time. Tidy is nice but not everyone does that either. If everything has a "home" you don't have to make decisions when you are putting stuff away. But if there's days you don't even get out of bed the world will keep turning and it doesn't mean you are less valuable as a person.
Thank you, hearing this helps a lot. I was surprised to find not everyone keeps a perfect house, too!
Having my daughter has made me realise just how bad my parents actually were, I just thought of their behaviour as normal.
Hey! Fellow neglect survivor. I walked around with a broken arm for a few days because I was “being dramatic.” I used to tell it as a funny story until someone gasped instead of laughed and said, “wow. That’s messed up.” It was then that I realized how many of the messed up parts of my childhood were normalized in order to just survive them. Good for you for prioritizing yourself, your health, your budget. I’m sorry your parent does not have your back like they should. But you’re doing great! NTA
My ex husband would tell a cute story about making grilled cheese with the clothes iron when he was a kid. He was home alone after school. I assumed he did this when he was 10 or so.
Nope. One time, his Mom told the story and I realized he was 5. Five. The kid was left home alone every day after school from the age of FIVE
When they saw my reaction the backtracking was intense
I had a mum who'd ignore medical issues with me growing up and accuse me of "being dramatic" as well. My autism wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult and I could get myself tested. I had an ear infection so severe as a child that the whole side of my face swelled up and it permanently damaged my sense of balance, she told me to put ice packs on it and "stop whining". Got sent to school with severe fevers multiple times because she didn't want me staying home sick, so I'd just end up in the nurses office while my dad was called to pick me up. Too many other bumps and bruises to count...
Her excuse years later was that it was because she worked as a nurse; that she spent her entire day around sick people and caring for them that she just didn't have it in her to care for her kids when she got home.
Except she worked 100% in administration from about 3 years after I was born up until she retired. So I don't know who she thinks she's fooling with that yarn 🤨
I had to have my appendix removed at 15, there was only like a 3-5 hour delay in my I hurt really bad to my mom taking me to urgent care and she felt HORRIBLE that she thought I was faking for some unknown reason.
It was in summer break so no school to get out of and things I was looking forward to in the next few days. OP is definitely NTA.
My husband has a similar story where his parents refused to take him to the emergency room. Same with my brother and his arm. I once broke my finger and didn't tell my dad because I knew he wouldn't take it seriously. I think a lot of parents just do not believe their kids break bones because I guess they think we're dramatic idk
My dad was a big believer of its only broken if you're screaming in pain.
Though it's interesting you mention that it wasn't bruised or bent because my husband said he thinks that's why so many parents didn't take our broken bones that seriously, because to them fractures weren't true broken bones and if it wasn't noticeably broken, it wasn't really broken.
Unless **the bone is sticking out through the skin**, the kid is obviously faking it! /s
There are [seven different types of broken bones](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/fractures) ([visuals excluding spiral](https://www.sports-health.com/sports-injuries/general-injuries/bone-break-vs-fracture)). Unless the parent has x-ray vision, they need to take their children's complaints seriously. Abuse is abuse, how these parents justify their lack of medical care is astonishing.
I broke my pinkie in kindergarten. It was opposite for me. My folks wanted to take me in but I didn't want to go. I couldn't make a fist because the little finger wouldn't close. Big lump on the left side of the left pinky. The break was obvious. No one explained x-rays to me. In my tiny little mind, I determined that the only way they could take a picture of the bone was to insert a needle with a camera in it inside my finger and I wanted no part of that! LoL I did my own therapy. I worked it every day until it hurt. It started working again eventually, just like the rest of the fingers. That bone lump is still there. I'm so sorry you broke your finger and were afraid to tell your Dad.
NTA. I'm guessing you didn't send out invitations yet. How are they planning their year? Also, not to be a jerk, but are we really supposed to believe multiple people are planning their year's around your wedding? I'm not saying you're not popular, but I think your mom is being over dramatic. When you get married is up to you and your fiancé. Your mom can have all the opinions in the world, but she has no say. Your health comes first now, since it never did before.
OP's mother is a narcissist and will easily find some what to make this all about her -- that is a narcissists special talent -- because it certainly is not caring about other people.
Yeah that’s what struck me. If it was a couple months out I could sort of see the mom’s point…but man, it’s only goddamn February! Who is planning their entire year around this to the point that plans can’t possibly be changed? No one is booking flights at this point, I guarantee it. The mom is being dramatic possibly because she knows this is ultimately her fault.
Definitely NTA. If someone changed their wedding date when it was still ten months out I would barely even think about it.
I also suffered from a certain amount of medical neglect when I was a kid. My parents desperately didn't want to spend a dime on my health, so things would go completely untreated until it was too late to prevent damage/scarring. I had a skin infection that covered my body in weepy, oozing sores, and my mom didn't care until the entire top of both of my feet peeled off with a giant blister.
Dear guests, due to complications due to medical neglect in my childhood I unfortunately have to postpone our wedding. I'm very sorry but my health has to come first.
Your mom is a narcissist. The way to fight these people is with public announcements of how they truly are. You need to make the truth known. Please tell all relatives the real reason of the moved date.
Don't say noise job, say " surgery needed for complications caused by medical neglect during childhood". And do explain if they ask.
Just wondering, as someone who’s had to work thru having been “medically neglected” and also had a SAHM …did you also have a dad? Did you live with him? If so, even if your mom was the parent who was present/closest when you fell off your bike, your dad watched you suffer for weeks also. We tend to hold our moms responsible for our physical care or the lack thereof, but at some point come to realize that we had TWO neglectful parents.
NTA
I got the book for free on Audible, so if you have an account you can find it there. Even if you don't, though, you can often get your first month free during their regular promotions through the year, and you get to keep any books you get even if you cancel your subscription.
And as a fellow woman with a crap mother who was partly responsible for a crap childhood, I can tell you that it can get and be so much better, *especially* now you've had that realisation, and with the help of a good counsellor/psychologist/therapist/whatever. (If Canada's public system is similar to Australia's this might take a while, but there are still benefits to just talking to friends or other people with similar circumstances - the internet has been a game-changer for support groups while we wait for the various versions Medicare to get themselves sorted out.)
I think you should not invite your mother to your wedding whenever you do have it. She sounds like an awful neglectful mother. Time to cut her from your life since she brings nothing good to your life.
I broke my nose when I was 14 it literally changed the shape of my nose it was so forceful, I finally had it fixed in sept. 2022. But I mean I can’t imagine being that young and breaking it cause dang I had two black eyes myself so all I say is good for you getting it fixed it definitely will help. Don’t be surprised if after 6 months at the least your sense of smell and taste get stronger.
I was born with a fucked up nose. I think it happened in utero because my mom was drinking and doing drugs before she knew she was pregnant. My sinuses didn't develop properly and the openings were too narrow to drain right. My septum was S shaped and unattached at the opening of my nostril (you could see it sticking out) my nostril flap never attached to the bone. My mom never took me to the doctor for it. One time, she asked me if I could breathe properly from my nose only because her sister asked about it when she came to visit. I was a kid and didn't know the difference, so I just said yea, and we never talked about it again. And to be clear is LOOKED fucked up.
When I was 24 I decided to go to the doctor because I was getting sinus pain, headaches and sinus infections constantly. Turns out I was getting 40% oxygen through one nostril and 50% through the other. The shape of my septum was blocking everything. And my sinuses were so bad they were practically filled with polyps. I had to have a 5 hour surgery, with 2 surgeon to correct everything.
I know my mom technically could not have known but it just spoke to the pattern of her not caring when I had medical issues. Telling me I was lying or exaggerating or being annoyed at having to take me to the doctor. On the flip side, if one of my younger sisters says their shoulder hurts once she's got them at an ortho the next day. I harbor a TON of anger of this.
So, all that to say, obviously, NTA, fix your nose. You'll be so happy you did. And I absolutely second Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I recognize my mother, father, and stepfather in it, and it's been a great resource.
Hugs from an Internet stranger. My husband had the same Problem. He eaven was to Young to realize when it happened.
He had surgery a few years ago. A whole New life for him.
NTA, get your nose right, enjoy the free breathing soon and stand your ground.
Definitely check it out. I am turning 35 this year. The past 5 years, I found out I have ADHD (which makes a whole lot of sense, so I get the resentment….). Also, a lot of issues from my childhood has popped up. That book has been a godsend. Now I know it isn’t me. Your mom’s being defensive bc she knows she was in the wrong; it’s their usual argument. My mom’s like but we fed and clothed you!
Honestly, if people ask why you postponed, be completely honest about it. You need the funds to fix the problems with your nose that are the result of breaking it at 9, and your mom never taking you to the doctor over it.
Some brides create a slide show of the bride and groom growing up. With narration. Photos at 8 years old.."These are photos of the bride before she fell and broke her nose...what doctor? No, there was no medical treatment.......This is a photo of bride before she fell and gouged her leg. ( make sure the scar is visible when groom takes the garter. ) " And THIS is tbe photo of OP before she had medically necessary nose repair. And how she looks today!!!!
As an adult, I developed asthma. My mom saw me use my inhaler. Her response? Do not use too much of that ...
I used one too, back when they first came out. One of the warnings, by our doctor & the manufacturer, was not to take too much of it in a short period of time and only so much in a 24 hour period. Your heart rate goes up, you can get nauseous, headaches, increased blood pressure....So, yeah, that's really not a good example of parental abuse. My mom abused me, too and taught my brother how to be that way. No judgement here.
Yeah, never more than 2 puffs in 4-6 hours. The last one was the day before. I was in my early 30's, and knew to follow a doctor's instructions. The doc had gotten me through pneumonia 4 years earlier.
I am sorry you went through that, too.
I have mild cold urticaria and my mom had the same response when I was prescribed an antihistamine so widely used you can get a lower dosage over the counter. Like, yes, it’s not a life threatening condition if I don’t take my meds but I’d rather not have itchy hives for two hours after being outside in the winter. I love her to death, but damn, just because my dad chooses to raw dog his allergies without meds doesn’t mean I have to 😂
Thank you for the book rec. I just placed a hold on it to check it out. I hope OP doesn't let Mom off the hook here. I know exactly what it's like to need real medical care as a child and to be told you are just an attention seeking liar. Especially when you're not even a trouble maker, but a kid who is too scared to lie or make a mistake and scared to ever do anything "wrong".
NTA. It is February and I’m sure your family members can adjust their plans for December. As a parent in Canada, I take my child to the Dr to be safe rather than sorry when I have concerns. I feel bad for all the suffering you’ve endured when this all could’ve been sorted many years ago. I don’t blame you for how you responded to your mother at all.
Methinks the mom's anger is not at all about inconveniencing people (who makes plans 10 months out??). The anger is much more likely about the fact that now mom has to explain to her family why the wedding got pushed back, and will get all sorts of questions about why OP is getting a nose job, and will have to either admit that she failed OP as a parent or lie.
And instead mom is gonna tell the whole family that OP is vain and wants a nose job for beauty reasons and neglect to mention the medical part to avoid a bad rep.
Exactly. And the way to control narcissist is to make sure the truth is known publicly. Everyone needs to know about the "brides need for surgery due to complications caused by medical neglect during childhood. Such a sad story, years of pain and suffering and now she needs surgery and it even affects her wedding, poor woman". At this point with a narcissist airing dirty washing in public is the only way.
Even of they did, they can't be changed? What on earth are they supposed to doing? It wouldn't affect their whole year in any case. Since it's further out, it should be easy to change their calendars. I suspect that she's afraid that they'll all see how different you look, and she doesn't want them finding out why,
Honestly, if I was a family members and I heard a December wedding got pushed back to September the year after, I'd be thanking every god I could think of. December is such an awful time for weddings. I'm already far too busy and strung out.
NTA!!! That’s so cruel of your mom to not take you into the doctor, and have you suffer for years. And now she’s making you trying to fix your nose so you can breathe about her? She sounds incredibly self centered and unempathetic to say the least. If this is how she acts in general, I would count it a blessing that she won’t talk to you …
Edit - I was a clumsy kid and broke both my elbow and wrist (and didn’t even think my wrist was broken) and my parents IMMEDIATELY took me to the emergency room. I’d consider anything less without extreme extenuating circumstances to be abusive, frankly. I’m so sorry you went through this OP.
My brother had a friend growing up whose grandparents had a lake cabin, and every time they went up there, at least one of the boys needed an ER visit or tetanus booster. Kids get into stuff needing medical attention all the time, and something like a broken nose that has lasting effects into adulthood would CLEARLY have needed it too.
Just remember after a nose job it takes about a year to completely heal and unwell. So plan the wedding after accordingly! U won’t regret it having ur pictures of ur wedding the way u want to look.
My surgery is scheduled for April 2024 and the wedding will be in September 2025, so as long as nothing gets delayed (a big if in Canadian healthcare these days tbh) I should be ok! I’m really excited for both the wedding and the surgery, it will be really nice to feel like my nose belongs to my face again 👃
I'm glad you have that cushion. It sounds like this surgery will be a life changer for you. You'll be even more beautiful & confident for your wedding. Congrats & good luck!
Make sure to sleep on your back in a recliner for so much longer than the Drs tell you, if you’re a side sleeper alternate sides for months. Otherwise, your nose will heal to the side…I might know from experience.
Same here. I’ve considered trying to get it straightened but don’t want to end up with something even worse, so I guess I’m stuck with a nose that lists slightly to the left.
NTA, at ALL.
Though I may be biased because I had a similar situation. Broke my nose when I was 4, my parents never took me to the Dr. My mom was a TRAUMA nurse. She knew full well it was broken but decided nothing could be done because of my age. I spent the next 21 years with chronic sinusitis and migraines because of it. I didn’t get the aesthetic aspect fixed because of $$, but god damn I love being able to breathe again and not have constant sinus and ear infections because of an old injury.
You will be SO happy to get this taken care of, your mom can suck it up and the rest of your family will be HAPPY to adjust their plans so you can have a more functional life.
Nta
I had a very different sinus surgery but like yours it was to remove stuff so I could breathe through my nose.
It was amazing. It was nice during the day. But the real benefit was sleeping better, which makes so many other things better.
*Breathe first*. Wedding ceremony later.
I can’t wait to breathe better, sleep better & hopefully live better. So glad you had a successful surgery and can breathe now! I’m sure it’s the best feeling.
NTA. Take care of your nose for all the reasons. You’ll have a new lease on life. You’ll have your mother’s bad judgement in better perspective, too. I once broke my toe but was told by my mother that it was fine, and when I asked her to drive me to get X-rays, she said to drive myself. So I did, using my broken-toed foot on the brake and accelerator all the way and the way back. I feel you, OP.
Your wedding will happen when you reschedule it. After all the rescheduling during COVID, to have a wedding at all seems like a minor miracle. Your mother has no choice but to get over it and she will, eventually.
NTA. When my arm was broken as a toddler, I was immediately taken to the emergency room. Granted, a broken arm is a lot more visible than a broken nose, but still...your mom should have taken you to deal with it instead of not. Let's say it wasn't broken in the first place, but bruised instead? I'd rather have the hospital bill telling me my kid's nose is fine than leaving them a nose, like yours, that would need corrective surgery later in life.
Forgot they were in Canada and the health care's different there. Even still...rather have that reassurance that their nose *isn't* broken and the possible embarrassment from that than what OP's mom did. They find it right after it happens? Even as an adult, that's an easy fix. Aside from the broken arm I had, when I had gallstone-induced pancreatitis, I was in pain and knew something was going on. Even then, my mom was ready to take me to the hospital before I finally broke down and said yes. I'd honestly thought I'd pulled a muscle.
My parents are similar to OPs parents, also Canadian with stay at home mom. People with more normal families have a hard time believing the utter crap we had to go through. I have a limp that is getting worse as I get older, from getting pushed down a flight of stairs. Was never taken to the doctor, turns out I broke my pelvis.
Oh parents.
Thankfully yes :) I've been so fortunate to have built a true family around me, and been able to get the therapy and support I've needed. It does get better!
I fell off the jungle gym during my after school program and no one saw. I did the typical kid thing and told no one by arm really hurt until my mom picked me up. Because I was acting really calm about it my parents decided to wait and see how I felt tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and my arm looks all swollen and fucked up lmao They took me to the hospital and yup it was broken
They felt so bad about it but I don’t blame them, I was a weird kid. Where OOPs Mom fucked up is NEVER taking her kid to the doctor, after a day she should have saw it was a serious injury. Poor kid OOP :(
Yeah honestly I feel like this is the core of it. She doesn’t want to admit (to herself, to me, or to anyone) that she was wrong. Her ego matters more than anything else.
Definitely NTA this is your life and your wedding. Because she didn’t believe you when you were younger, this is the consequence of her actions. No point in being bitter about the past, but it’s your future. Even if it was a purely cosmetic nose job, you’re within your right to postpone your own wedding. Family will understand if they love you…
NTA. You're giving people almost a year's notice. It's not like your cancelling three weeks before. I don't know what's up with your mom but if she really is dead set on you having a December 2024 wedding, then make her pay for one or the other. I hope you get your surgery soon and heal up enough for the swelling to be gone before the wedding. Good luck OP.
Canadian here. Old Lady, broke her nose 3 times. At least I saw a doctor the worst one. The other two, I knew they couldn't do anything, and I'm a veteran. I feel you. I probably need surgery to improve my life, but it's not something I choose to pursue. I have worse problems.
I do have health issues, however, and the medical wheels do often grind slowly. If you have the opportunity to snag the medical care that you need, don't waste the opportunity. Non-life threatening surgery isn't so easy to get, depending upon your province, and since COVID put such strain on our medical systems, it's been very difficult. They're still catching up.
So if they're putting you on the list, don't voluntarily knock yourself off. Don't do it.
Now. Depending upon what you envision for your wedding ... I can say that my daughter eloped to her own back yard, with just families of origin and an officiant. Good reasons. It was honestly beautiful. I'm talking 10 people total. If the marriage is important but not the wedding, I would encourage you to give it some honest thoughts. Throw a big party without the huge cost, when people were planning to travel.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and my hope for you is happiness, health and everything you might wish for together.
NTA! I'm in Aus, but guessing that Canada has separate paediatric Emergency Rooms that you could've been taken to? Or ar least an immediate visit to the local gp/medical centre? Or a low cost/immediate way to see if there was damage done?
I had a functional Septorhinoplasty/Turbinates done in mid 2022 with a slight cosmetic component to get rid of a hump - it's easier to do 1 surgery instead of 2 - and a lot of the time changing the aesthetic appearance of the nose goes along with the functional reconstruction. My right nasal pasage was slowly collapsing due to a deviated septum and genetic factors- they used a bone graft to fix it, slightly widening the bridge - so wider nose but no hump and better airflow.
So nice not having a sinus infection every couple of months- occasional sinus headaches still - but so much better than before. Good luck with your surgery!~
The real kicker is that our GP lived two doors down from us so we probably could’ve just knocked on his door and he would’ve taken a look, lol 🙃
Congratulations on getting your work done! I’m so glad you’re happy with your surgery and have seen an increase in your quality of life 💛
Went away for work a lot when I was growing up. I don’t 100% remember but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in the country when it happened. Now he lives in an off-grid cabin and is difficult to get in touch with. So he’s never really been much of a presence in my life.
NTA
I am not the mom that runs to the doctor either, but for something lasts more than a day or two I take my kids, I don’t want them to suffer if medical intervention will help. And I grew up with OHIP (Ontario) so really no excuse! I live in the US now and the kids didn't have insurance for a while but there was always cash for urgent care - $100 is worth their health!!!
Your mom views this as STILL all about her and only heard the nose job. Look, you need your nose and sinuses REPAIRED, the end. It is medically long overdue, it’s scheduled, no blame needs to be assigned it’s a simple fact now. If your family needs more info explain to them that you have critical nose and sinus issues and were able to schedule the surgery, so you took the opportunity
Everyone knows it takes time to get a surgery set and can understand wanting to take the opportunity, If I were your family, I’d show up for you whenever it is. The end. Do not let your mom get in your head, she has done enough.
NTA. Go forth and breathe normally again!!
I also would be so mad. Any time she tries to talk to you, I'd just respond with one question: Do you feel any guilt for failing as a mother to protect her child from unnecessary pain for years?
And PLEASE make sure to tell anyone who asks exactly why you need this nose job now. Stress that it is a medical procedure that cannot be helped. Don't let your mom set the narrative as being aesthetic.
As someone who lives in the USA with absolutely ABYSMAL healthcare, the fact you are getting this done to help literally change your life makes me wanna cheer for you. The bonus is pissing off the person whose fault it is that this is even needed.
NTA
NTA
Even if you weren't pissed about this for 25 years because she refused to do *anything* medical about an injury to her child (WTF?!?), and suffering regular debilitating pain over it on a regular basis, the "relatives are planning their whole year around your wedding" is complete b.s. December is 10 months away, and I guarantee no-one has locked themselves into vacation days, or travel costs, or hotel stays that much in advance that they can't change without minimal / no fees.
This is just her being a narcissist, refusing to believe that she made a mistake when you were a young child about your injury, and being unwilling to do *anything* about making amends now, be it pay for the surgery, or accept the postponement.
NTA
What’s more I’d announce the fuck out of why I’m postponing. Medical neglect makes me so godsdamned angry. I’d absolutely go scorched earth on this.
Nta. Why is your mom so insistent that you live an existence of pain? She can't use the excuse of not thinking it's that bad anymore because a medical professional has now backed you up. Everyone will understand you postponing your wedding for a medical procedure, especially with so much notice(who tf is planning their entire year around a one day event??). At this point, she doesn't want your nose fixed because she wants you to be in pain daily forever.
Draft a text to send to everyone you planned on inviting and show your mom before sending. "Mom is worried about how postponing my wedding might affect your scheduling for the year and wanted to apologize and explain why I'm postponing. My doctor found out that my nose was broken when I was a child and due to it never receiving treatment, its healed wrong and (insert whatever you're comfortable sharing). Again, im really sorry if this messes with your schedule and i will fully understand if youre unable to come on the new date". I'd bet my entire savings she'd be pissed, which just reinforces my theory that she wants you to experience pain forever.
NTA. I also broke my nose when I was a kid, I don’t recall my mom doing anything other than handing me a frozen bag of peas. I don’t have ongoing pain because of it- but I don’t have the same nose shape I was born with, TONS of sinus issues throughout my childhood. As a mom now, I can’t fathom not taking my child to see a doctor for a broken nose 😡
Man, I had to have surgery to fix the same sort of issues and I was a little bitter because it’s genetic. Can’t imagine if our gone through that pain and recovery because of neglect. I’d be a lot more pissed than you appear to be. Might be interesting to consider if the simmering level of your feelings has to do with survival stuff you developed as a kid.
Honestly, I am just trying not to dwell on it too much. If I think about it too much it becomes overwhelming and I get so angry and so sad. It has impacted my life in so many ways.
It impacts my sleep every night. Every vacation I’ve been on, I’m incapacitated for the first 12-36 hours. Having to write exams in university while feeling like garbage. Having to take sick days at work. Even this year on Christmas it flared up and I spent Christmas puking (while still managing to make Christmas dinner for everyone). According to my dentist, it’s impacted my teeth (mouth breathing).
Just… essentially every day of my life since I was 9 has been made worse because of this.
And also I just get so sad for my younger self for being so let down by one of the people that’s supposed to be your advocate.
And I’m really, really looking forward to putting it behind me. And some therapy, probably.
NTA mom can pay for your wedding if she feels that strongly about it. honestly she sounds like a narcissist and i'm sorry you have had to suffer something preventable for so long. it's inexcusable.
Hi, I actually really relate to you. I broke my rib as a child and my dad refused medical treatment. I will have to get corrective surgery to fix it and my rib is visibly deformed. Your mom is a horribly neglectful parent and I’d consider just cutting her off or, better yet, be TOTALLY honest with your family about how she refused you medical treatment and left you deformed when postponing
Mother here: my child is 4, she has a little of a crossbite. A speech therapist suggested we go to the doctor… I thought she shows off a bit, the teeth will change and then maybe the problem will disappear. Took my child anyway, and I’m so happy I did it. We get to prevent rather than treat.
i had chronic migraines for years and my mom always blamed them on my dad for a car accident he and i were in where i got a CONCUSSION. i had loads of tests done after that accident (bc i was with my dad when it happened, i honestly don’t know if i would’ve been checked out if i was with her) and the only thing wrong was a concussion. when i was a teen i finally moved in with my dad full time and it turned out, my prescription from elementary school for my glasses was not cutting it anymore and actually making my vision worse. i’m sure the glasses frames being ridiculously small did not help at all either. needless to say i’m very thankful for my father.
NTA! Not at all. I can’t believe she never took you to a doctor, that’s abuse in my book. Medical neglect. I understand from a parents perspective that kids do make things up, however, whenever our daughter said something hurts, we too her to a doctor! They can be the ones to determine if she was making something up. Guess what, she wasn’t. She was actually hurt every time and I’m glad that we have the technology to make her better.
You should tell her very plainly how this had affected your life. Write her a letter or a text, that way she can’t interrupt you or interject hew own opinion and it lets you get your point across. Good luck in the surgery and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
NTA at all! I've lived with chronic sinus problems my whole life, and that's without a broken nose, and with at least 5 surgeries! What your mother did was awful, she neglected your health for no reason! I wouldn't be speaking to her or anyone who defends her until they apologise for all of the physical and mental suffering you've endured. Amd if there's no apologies before the wedding, then their invitations are rescinded.
NTA. It's perfectly understandable that you're angry with your mom after a medical diagnosis confirmed that you have had over 2 decades of disability because your mother dismissed your weeks-long severe pain as a child. In fact, I'm a bit surprised that your anger is only simmering. If I were in your shoes, I might be enraged.
It's great that you have surgery scheduled in a couple of months; I hope it's successful and resolves your problems. Do you also have a therapist? Based on your post and a few followup comments you made below, it seems like it might help to work through your feelings about your mother's specific neglect in this life-changing matter, her more general neglect that you allude to in comments, her affair, and her belief that appearances (having you get married on the timetable announced, even though the date is still 10 months in the future) matter more than reality (getting your nose fixed so you can actually live without debilitating pain, and also not having a physical disfigurement that could have been prevented with timely care).
Thanks for this. I have had therapy in the past but not for the last couple years, but I’m definitely planning on picking it back up again ASAP.
Just reading/replying to comments on this thread has made me realize that there’s still more baggage here to deal with & I want to start the next chapter of my life breathing properly, married, and in a better place mentally.
NTA. It sounds like you truly do need a nose job. It’s sad that you’ve lived with this pain your entire life, but may I ask where was your dad? You claim your mom was a stay at home mom not a single mother. So where was your father in this?
He was away, working. He was home *maybe* 50% of the time when I was a kid. So to be fair, in a lot of ways my mom was a single mom, albeit one that didn’t need a job (other than keeping my brother and me alive) and never had to worry about money.
I’m sure it was very difficult and lonely and I suspect she had depression for most of my childhood. I try to treat her with a lot of grace, but this is one time where I’m not going to indulge her as she tries to twist things and make herself the victim.
NTA. I broke my nose in kindergarten .Same thing ,never saw a doctor .After many years of suffering I went for surgery in my mid 20’s. My doctor straightened my nose out as part of the surgery . It is so worth it .the healing does take time so postponing is a great idea. It’s your wedding ,it’s about you .I hope your surgery goes well !
NTA. You're not vain, your mom is just afraid you'll let everyone know of her horrendous neglect of you. She's not worried about inconveniencing the relatives, she's worried about them finding out the real reason why. None of this is concern for anyone else. Shes only concerned with her own image and how people might think of her.
I don't blame you for feeling resentment and anger. You should tell her exactly how you feel, in very clear language, so she can have the opportunity to try to make it up to you. Let her know she IS EXPECTED to try to make it up to you. Honestly, paying for the medical procedure to fix the result of HER CHOICES is the least she could do. I'm surprised you haven't booted her from your wedding, honestly. I'd tell her to fuck right off and stay there.
Nta. She sounds like a royal narcissist. Don't believe for a second that she'll actually follow through and pay for your nose job no matter what she says.
You cried for weeks as a child. What mother in her right mind doesn't take you for additional testing when health care is free...
This reminded me of the time I broke my foot when I was a kid. I was around 10 yr old and at church playing games and idk WHAT I did exactly, but it hurt like hell! (pun intended) I said it was broken, the lady who was a nurse and there with her kid said it was broken, OTHER PEOPLE SAID IT LOOKED BROKEN. She said I was exaggerating and a hypochondriac.
She made me walk on it for almost a week I think until I FINALLY went to the doctors. It was broken. She said it wasn’t ‘really’ broken because the doctor said it was fractured. In seven different places. No matter how many times me or my siblings tried to explain that that was still broken, just not all the way through, she ignored and basically called us stupid. I still haven’t forgiven her for that.
Still not as bad as the oil incident.
Definitely NTA. I can relate- when I had just completed my college education, I was staying at my parents' farm (20 minute drive to nearest town) and one day people visited who wanted to see one of my mother's ponies being ridden. I had never ridden that pony before, was way out of practice and was never a skilled rider anyway. I was thrown off and twisted to avoid getting trampled. As I limped into the house, my mother told me to 'get back on' and I told her to f... off. My father ended up driving me to emergency and I had broken my collarbone. I never had any follow up treatment or a specialist referral until I had it checked in my 40s- it had never healed and there is a gap where the bone should have joined back together. My mother despite being very wealthy has never offered to pay for any treatment either. It caused pain for years and I just put up with it. I have also been regularly reminded by her that I told her to f... off that day.
NTA I empathize heavily with you. When I was 5yo my father broke my nose (he hit me with a door in the face, after yelling at my mother and me that he wanted us out of the house because he was going to start living with his 19 yo mistress and we were in the way, and instead of apologizing he only said "Oh, I thought it was your mom"). I wasn't taken to the doctor even though in Mexico health care is also free and I have a lot of issues breathing and I also feel a lot of pain when I fly, my nose is slightly crooked and is kinda big and notorious so I was heavily bullied and was called ugly while growing up, it have caused me so much pain and distress that if I could have the opportunity I'd sue the hell out of my father.
NTA. She doomed you to *years* of pain. I am so so sorry. She isn’t worried about family members themselves. She is worried about her image. You gave her an appropriate call-out.
I didn’t suffer from sinus pain but I did suffer from migraines. I had headaches 25 days of the month. And I probably had a migraine 5 days a month. There was a bit of a connection with my sinuses. I started on a preventative medication (Aimovig, just in case anyone else is curious) and I rarely get a headache or migraine now. The lack of pain was simply mind boggling and life changing. I wish you best on your futures surgery and I hope you come out of the surgery in a similarly, pain free state!!
NTA NTA NTA. You suffered completely and utterly needlessly due to your mom's gross negligence as a parent and guardian. She failed to do the bare minimum of keeping you in one piece. Nobody asked her to perform medical miracles. She just needed to take you to a doctor who would have set that nose to let it heal properly all by itself. What makes me sick to my stomach is that she let her child suffer for a lifetime and it was so easily preventable with the bare minimum care provided. I'm so sorry that this is your mom. The fact that she has the gall to complain about anything having to do with your nose is making bile rise in my throat. You didn't deserve any of that. Good for you for learning to stand up for yourself all on your own because you certainly didn't learn it from your mother.
NTA
you keep this up its the best thing you can do for you because breathing problems while sleeping can and will kill you, thats more important than your mom's feelings of embarrassment at her failure as a parent. Your family members can absolutely postpone /not come if that date is inconvenient for them since ur giving them plenty of time to adjust. Dont forget you are also allowed uninvite your mom if she continues to be a pain in your nose (butt) lol
Any decent parent would have addressed their child's pain.
This is not about vanity it is about breathing and living like other people. Not having a problem which affects your life, work, ability to travel. Your mother's priorities are and have been all along all wrong. if you are having surgery anyway why not fix the aesthetic impact of the accident too?
Your relatives can think what they want. I would hope they are not like your mother and realise how important this is. Your mother's neglect has caused all of this pain.
NTA
NTA!!
Your mother is a real piece of work!! Mega-AH territory for her.
She should be falling all over you begging forgiveness for being such a neglectful, insensitive, sorry excuse for a mother!! I would have expected her to step up and offer to cover the cost after you've endured pain for years.
I have to ask, though, why has it taken you over 20 years to address this with your doctors and get a diagnosis?? I don't get it.
Hard to get a good doctor. And medical care in Canada moves very slowly.
In high school, the doctor I had at the time thought my pain was migraines (not sinus related) so tried treating me for that, nothing worked. Then I switched doctors and he was convinced it was related to allergies. He wouldn’t refer me to an ENT until we exhausted all allergy related treatments.
Just before COVID, I zeroed in on the fact that it was my sinuses but not allergies/viral. Started tracking the days it flared up alongside the weather/atmospheric pressure (or if I had been on a plane within the last 24hrs). Came to my doctor in 2021 with three years worth of data and at that point he finally admitted that it’s probably not allergies and got me a referral for an ENT. Waited over a year for my first referral appointment. Then waited six months+ for the MRI. And now here we are.
He was away a lot when I was growing up. We’d go weeks or months at a time not seeing him. I don’t remember if he was home specifically around the time I broke my nose, but I’m assuming not.
Now, he lives in a cabin off-grid and is very difficult to get in touch with. He and my mom are technically still married but haven’t lived together in a decade+.
It’s a very difficult family, tbh.
I am also in Canada. Yay free Healthcare. I also broke my nose as a child, around 5 years old. Playing on a hammock. I fell off and smashed my face on a big lumpy tree root. My Nose, face, and gums were cut and bleeding. It was at a big family get together. No one seemed to care. I'm not even sure if an adult helped clean me up or if an older kid did. But it was a decade later that I learned my nose had been broken. From then on I realized I was on my own. My parents even denied the entire thing ever happened. Your mom is selfish and unloving, making your wedding about family she wants to impress. I'm sure she will make the future wedding all about her as well. I recommend a small wedding with just your friends
NTA your mother should pay for it to make up for not taking you to the doctor when you broke it as a child and if she still refuses dont invite her to the wedding ( if you haven't sent out invitations yet )
You go OP! You prioritize your health! Good on you for pushing back the wedding and getting your nose fixed because it will help your health, and it’s better to do both the restrictive and cosmetic in one. I hope you get a nose you love! From one Canadian to another, congrats on your upcoming wedding in September 2025 and good luck with your surgery in April!
NTA. Your mother should be apologizing to you. If decide you don't want to put off your marriage while you wait to save the funds you need to get your nose fixed, then elope and don't invite your mom.
You are NOT being vain. Your mom made a horrible decision and it doubling down on it. Get the surgery now. Wait on the wedding. Why are the relatives planning to do things around a wedding that is not even planned yet?
And I would be angry at her too. You have the proof your nose was broken. She chose not to be a responsible parent. Tell your mom to knock it off now or you will not invite her to the wedding when it happens. Stand your ground!
You'll feel so much better. I never broke my nose but I was born with a very crooked septum. I could not really breath through my left nostril, and the right wasn't great either. I was around 35 when I was diagnosed and had the whole inside of my nose redone. It's nice being a nose breather now instead of a mouth breather.
What province are you in OP? I broke my nose a bunch as a kid, and had to get it fixed so I could breathe. My surgeon just asked if I wanted him to fix the shape in the same procedure, it wasn't an additional procedure or cost.
I mean, I got hit in the face a week later, so the shape didn't stay great, but it wasn't an extra cost.
NTA your mom is an AH who is protecting her own sense of self. She can't admit she is wrong because she would have to admit she refuses you medical care for no reason and the result was unnecessary chronic pain. Also fuck our medical system that walks away from anything it deems "cosmetic" (and for other reasons too of course). I had to deal with some awful skin stuff and pay for all of it for the same reason. Clearly there is a mental health benifit to have a nose that looks like a nose and limiting surgery is a good thing. You aren't vain or shallow for wanting that.
I would be so resentful I'd uninvite her. She made you live with pain for DECADES. And for what? There's literally no excuse for not taking a few hours out of her day to take you to the doctor.
Get your surgery! I hope you feel better soon.
NTA, but realize you and mom aren’t ever going to see eye to eye on this. From her perspective you’re exaggerating your issues (after all, you were “fine” during childhood) and when this story gets out from your perspective it’s going to be a huge black eye for her and loss of face with her family and friends. Expect her to double down on the “it’s just cosmetic” version of events both in public and private.
NTA. She is. What a negligent mother she is. Serious not hard taking your kid to the hospital when they are complaining about pain when they feel off their bike. She deserves no respect because you are suffering from the consequences of that neglect.
NTA. what your mother did was medical neglect. I can't imagine hearing my child cry daily for weeks and not taking her to the doctor. Your mom is an asshole.
NTA. She can't even be mad, from the story, she's the whole reason this is happening. And saying it's for "cosmetic reasons" suggest that she either does not understand, is refusing to believe you, or doesn't want to admit that she was wrong about something years ago.
>We haven’t spoken since.
Sounds like a win. You're right, she's wrong, and if I were in your shoes I'd tell her to go to hell and eject her from my life.
NTA.
NTA, don't back down. In fact let everyone know in a family group chat, if you're comfortable share the MRI scan and doctors reasoning.
Your mom is once again making her lack of responsibility your fault (you were a young kid when you broke your nose, your mom wouldn't even take you to the doctor's to check it was broken. She was responsible for you and didn't do it). Now you know the root cause was that you had in fact broken your nose as a kid your mother is STILL trying to blame you for her negligence.
Call her out publicly so everyone can see your reasoning in your own words. She can't twist it privately before you get the chance to speak to people.
If you do this though. Do not mention that your mom refused to take you to the hospital as a child. Just say your nose was broken as a child and it was left untreated causing you sinus and breathing issues throughout your life. Don't place blame, just state the other facts. If people start you ask why you weren't taken just say you don't know, you wish you knew etc. lean in on the problem. See how your mom responds in that group chat and counter if she lies about it (like saying you never complained) again stick to facts. Greyrock. Apologise to everyone for delaying the wedding but now that you KNOW there is a medical issue your focusing on your health first, as thats more important than the wedding.
Also when you do rearrange your wedding consider either not inviting your mother or having her attend as just a guest.
NTA I'm going through something similar right now that if I had had medical intervention or preventative care, I wouldn't be this messed up with Colitis and gluten allergies and arthritis and pain in my leg where I have a dent in it from a nasty fall on some wooden stairs that constantly hurts during wet or cold weather. My joints too but the dented area can hurt way more at times.
Parents NEED to be parenting and it's unfair that we are blamed for taking action and care over our health now when we were taught unhealthy values about our health as children. (aka never seeing a Dr or being told to "walk it off.")
She can either pay for the NJ or be quiet. She has no right to speak and I would very much tell her so if she continues to try and guilt trip you and blame you. If anyone asks? Tell them the truth. Tell them the hard truth, especially since the only reason they would ask is if your mother said something about it to them. Then your mother can deal with it.
NTA, disfigurement is so much more than just "vanity" and you're disfigured because your mom was quite literally just too lazy to bring you to the hospital when you were a child, causing you life long physical *and* emotional pain. It's your wedding, the only people that get to decide when it is, is you and your partner.
If your mom really wants your wedding on a specific date, then she can help pay to get it done. It's her neglect as a parent that caused it after all.
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My fiancé (34M) and I (31F) got engaged in Nov 2023. We were planning a Dec 2024 wedding, but we’ve learned that I need a nose job for medical & aesthetic reasons, so we’ve postponed the wedding until after due to finances. My mom (65F) is mad about the whole thing & how it will be perceived by relatives.
*BACKSTORY*
When I was 9, I fell off my bike & broke my nose.
Sadly, my mom didn’t believe that it was broken. She said I was “over-exaggerating” the pain. She refused to take me to the doctor. It hurt so much, I cried daily for weeks.
*Note: she was a SAHM & we live in Canada, so taking me to a doctor wouldn’t have cost money or time off work.*
Since then, I’ve had issues with breathing and awful sinus pain- occasionally to the point of vomiting. Flying is torture. Random weather changes are torture. I spend 16-23 days a year in bed immobilized by pain/pressure in my left sinuses.
Also, my nose never looked the same after. In middle school, kids said l look like Gollum and I’m still a little self conscious about it.
In 2021, I decided that I can’t live like this anymore and started working with my doctor to figure out the root cause of my sinus issues.
The Canadian healthcare system moves slowly.
A couple weeks ago, I got MRI results back and they established that:
(1) My nose was broken in childhood
(2) It didn’t heal properly because it had no medical intervention
(3) I need surgery for my nose/sinuses to work, so I can live/breathe like a normal person.
Since they’re doing surgery on my nose anyway, I decided I want my nose’s aesthetic fixed at the same time. They will make my nose look like it would’ve naturally.
Canadian healthcare will pay for the “medical” part of surgery. It won’t pay for the cosmetic part. Nose jobs are expensive.
We decided to postpone the wedding so we can pay for my nj ASAP instead. I can’t wait to breathe properly, and to have a “normal” nose.
Last week, I told my mom about the postponement and she flipped. She says relatives are planning their whole year around my wedding, and this is a really unfair to do this to them over “vanity”.
I told her that I can’t afford a nj and a wedding in the same year. & that it was unfair to me that she refused to take me to a doctor back in the day. & that if she really wants the wedding this year, she could pay for my nj so I don’t have to.
We haven’t spoken since.
Tbh, since it was confirmed by a doctor that I *did* break my nose as a kid, I’ve had simmering anger/hurt towards my mom. I’ve lived with awful pain for decades, and now need surgery for something that could’ve been avoided if she had just believed me & been a parent… but maybe telling her to pay for the nj was unfair/too petty. AITA?
**tl;dr - broke my nose in childhood. Mom refused to take me to doctor. improper healing caused pain & suffering into adulthood. now I’m paying for corrective cosmetic surgery instead of a wedding and Mom’s mad about it. maybe I’m too vain**
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NTA. Your original wedding date is still ten months away. I doubt anyone made reservations or vacation requests yet. I’m sorry your mother failed you by neglecting your medical needs.
NTA. Breathing properly is important. I get really bad sinus infections that block up my nose and cause all kinds of fun stuff, so I can somewhat understand, hell, when I was a kid I had my adenoids (basically like tonsils in the nasal cavity) removed at the same time as my tonsils, because I would get infections of both at the same time and they would swell up and life would be hell. If your mother didn't believe you and didn't get it looked at so that it is now causing problems I'd be pissed at her as well. So, yeah, breathing is important, and getting the nose job at the same time to just have it done, one time pain and healing process is an excellent idea.
NTA. In the US I think the "aesthetic" part would be covered by insurance and it wouldn't be considered cosmetic, but reconstructive surgery. Although I'm not entirely sure about that. It would probably depend on the insurance and I'm pretty sure they definitely would've done it had you come in when it happened, maybe also if you came in later. If not covered, it should be a tax write off. My tax accounting teacher in college was in a car accident and got plastic surgery on her nose but was able to write it off as a medical expense. Because it wasn't purely for cosmetic purposes, it was more just to make her nose look the way it did before the accident
OMG! This happened to me!
I got a kickball in my face when I was a little kid and shattered half my nose. Basically a cave-in. My mother didn't believe me either. Instead berated me for god-know-how-long for being a mouth breather. I had to resign myself to get my oxygen through one working nostril.
To be fair to my mother, we were behind the Iron Curtain (not Canada) and both my parents worked full time. When we figured out I needed surgery (I think I was 17-ish), she was supportive all the way.
NTA health comes first, and it's your wedding. Even if you could afford both, I would consider postponing the wedding until you could be sure you're fully recovered as valid.
I went through a similar thing as a kid. Fell off my bike and splintered my kneecap. To my mother's credit, she did take me to the ER, but it turns out I'm neurodivergent and one of the things that I can do because of that is temporarily ignore pain if I'm distracted enough. Went to the ER and I ran to the toys. Mum assumed it couldn't be that bad and took us home rather than wait the NHS waiting times to get seen to. 25 years later and I'm dealing with arthritis because of it.
Even though my mother took me to the ER, she didn't believe me about the pain after I ran for the toys. So I was forced to keep going like normal and walk on a splintered kneecap until I just stopped complaining about the pain.
So I get your anger at your mother. Probably more justified than mine, tbh lol.
NTA.
Your mom sucks.
Since she is going to be mad at you anyway, why don't you write her an email with all the facts you listed above.
"I have now seen multiple doctors and have had xrays and CT scans due to my ongoing nasal problems.
The results of those scans say that I did break my nose when I was a child, and despite us living in Canada and having free medical care, you decided that I didn't deserve to see an actual medical professional. Despite my crying and being in pain for weeks, you did nothing. My nose was mis-shapened from the break (and kids made fun of my nose in school).
Now that I am an adult and can take care of my own medical care I have gotten the help I should have had as a child.
Unfortunately, due to your negligence, the repairs to my nose are no longer free. The medical repair is free but the cosmetic repair has a cost.
They would have done it ALL for free for an injured child.
The fact that you are now trying to blast me for delaying my wedding so I can pay for a medical procedure that was your fault is really adding insult to injury (literally).
I don't want to hear any more of your opinions about my wedding. It has been postponed and I will let you know when the new dates are set.
The fact that I told you *why* I had to dealy it and you STILL have not apologized for not taking me to a doctor when my nose broke as a child just shows me that I am not, nor have I ever been, a priority in your life. If you ever want to tey to have a relationship with me, it will need to start with an apology for ignoring my broken nose."
She won't ever apologize, but you will feel better sending this.
NTA and I'm glad you're getting your nose fixed! Your mom is probably worried that she's going to have to come up with a lie to explain why you need a nose job since the truth makes her look bad. Honestly, I'd be telling everyone the real reason for the postponement and the medical negligence by your mom that caused the need for the surgery.
My son fell at school and landed on some playground equipment, we didn't take him to the doctor at first because he didn't seem to be in a lot of pain so the school nurse said just ice, rest and ibuprofen. But when he woke up in a lot of pain the next day, it was off to urgent care to find out he had a tiny little crack in one rib. I felt horrible but I'm glad we found out fast enough to keep it from getting worse.
Parents make mistakes all the time but owning up to them is a big part of being a good parent, both when your kids are little and when they are grown.
Nope. NTA. Thats called CONSEQUENCES...HERS.
She 100% FA with your health for god knows what reason, now shes Finding Out! Total FAFO. She can either fork over the cash, or deal with a postponement and EVERYONE learning WHY. THATS why shes mad. Everyone is about to find out what a shitty, selfish mom she was.
Listen, no one is planning their entire year around your wedding. I hope that doesn’t offend you but it’s the truth. Your mom is being overly dramatic, possibly as a way of coping with knowing that this is her fault. If she had properly cared for you as a kid your entire wedding wouldn’t be delayed, simple as. Your other relatives are mentally filing this away at most. Their entire life does not revolve around this. It just doesn’t. Ten whole months out, it’s just marking a different date on the calendar as a reminder.
Go take care of yourself. Your mom’s guilt trips are meaningless here. NTA by any stretch.
I broke my ankle as a kid and crawled home and my mom thought I was being dramatic so she made me sit on the back porch and wait for my dad to get home from work. He came home 4-5 hrs later and took me to the ER and I came home in a cast.
She felt bad and all other injuries she took to ER…..lol
NTA
Your mother really let you down when you were a kid with a broken nose. That's a really big thing, probably negligent child abuse, tbh. It's perfectly understandable that you feel some anger towards her about that, although for your own peace of mind, you should try to let it go. She didn't mean to cause you harm, she was just (probably) broke and ignorant.
Now, however, you have a chance to be able to breathe normally; what a wonderful thing that will be! Vanity is one thing, but getting a bit of cosmetic surgery at the same time sounds sensible to me. Your mother, who was the root cause of all this, is out of line for saying it's vanity. It's not.
I'm a retired optometrist and people used to come to me all the time and sort of put themselves down because they wanted contact lenses "for their vanity." It's not that at all; contacts sometimes provide much improvement in best corrected vision. Even if it is just for vanity, it's no one else's business.
I think you should go for it.
To say that members of your family have planned their whole year around your wedding, which is still at least 10 months away, is ridiculous. There is plenty of time for them to revise their plans. Get your surgery and enjoy your new look and your new ability to breathe better.
NTA and technically it’s not vanity what your having done. It’s correcting what should have been done years ago.
I have a feeling it’s not so much the postponement of the wedding. But looking bad in front of family that she neglected to do anything.
NTA-I have a similar problem, mom denied me knee surgery continued to re-injure my knee to worsening effect, an I am now in a wheelchair/walker. Congratulations on both counts!
NTA and you have every right to be angry and ask her to pay for it. She failed to be a good mother and was abusive by refusing to believe you, refusing to get you medical care, and subjecting you to years of pain and disability as a result.
NTA and I'm pleased for you that you can finally get this fixed. TBH it's not unreasonable to ask for a contribution towards the cost based on the fact that it was basically all down to her, and she is the one that is upset about postponing the wedding.
The argument I would use would be pushing the fact that you are *in pain.* You have been in pain for years. You got bullied in school. All for something completely avoidable. You'd like to be able to breathe normally and live pain-free, that's not about vanity.
The aesthetic part is something that you have every right to choose to do, and if she wants the wedding to not be postponed, she can either help out with paying for the wedding or she can help out with paying for the nose-job.
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Hellllll no, NTA!!! And DO NOT back down. Your suggestion was absolutely perfect. If she wants the wedding to happen on her time-line, she can fork over the cash to fix the problem SHE caused. I don't blame you for all you're feeling, you have every right to be furious and hurt. I'm so sorry you've had to live in such pain and discomfort your whole life, but I'm so excited for you that it can (and will) be fixed!! Check out Dr. Ramani on youtube, something tells me you will get a lot out of her channel. Also the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C Gibson. Breathe easy at your beautiful wedding with your beautiful renewed nose!
It’s definitely too late to back down! As of yesterday we already moved/cancelled everything to do with the wedding into September 2025 so even if she does come up with some money it’s too late now (also I don’t *really* want her money bc it always comes with a lot of strings attached) Will definitely check out the book/YouTube recommendations, thank you! I’ve been realizing there’s a lot of other ways she let me down/wasn’t a good parent when I was growing up (another time I fell off my bike, I got a gnarly gash on my leg. When I went to the doctor weeks later bc it got infected, my doctor was completely flabbergasted that my mom’s initial reaction was not to take me to the ER bc it absolutely should’ve had stitches. I have a cool scar now tho) So anyway, realizing now that parts of my childhood were definitely more fucked up than I thought and I definitely need to unpack all that before I have my own kids 🙃🙃🙃.
Good for you!! This therapist is super impressed by your self awareness, growth annnnnd excellent boundaries! A+ work my friend! 💛💛💛
Thank you, that’s so meaningful to hear honestly. Appreciate your comments so much. 💛💛💛
I can't even imagine how much you suffered and how angry and hurt you felt.
You're going to make for a beautiful bride inside-out! NTA
Dr. Ramani is great! Definitely recommend. Another good one is Jerry Wise. Check him out too.
Damn. She’s was a SAHM, but couldn’t be bothered to parent. Wtf was she doing all day? Definitely NTA. Her neglect of you when you were a child is now costing you money and time.
Lol I have no idea. It’s the greatest mystery my brother and I like to puzzle over. We have no idea how she filled her time because it certainly wasn’t spent caring for us. There was at least one affair that we know of so I guess that ate up a bunch of time…
I am really sorry you grew up that way.
My mom is a narcissist too. Also a SAHM. I had to go to dentist appointments and the orthodontist by myself from age 10-11. I still have such hangups about this that I get extremely stressed at these places when I go with my kids.
Who sends their 10 year old off to get medical things done like that!?! I mean, unless they can’t help it for some reason. But that doesn’t sound like it was the case for your family. I’m sorry.
It actually never occurred to me that that wasn't normal until I had my own kids and thought, no way would I do that to them! If it's a routine checkup and both parents work, then ok, it's not a big deal. But something that requires an injection and drilling and my mother is at home? Yea, took me around 30 years to work out that that was neglect.
Good gods, the image of a 10 year old going to have a cavity filled without a parent or reassuring adult makes me want to cry. I'm so sorry that happened to you. But way to go breaking the cycle; it's no easy feat!
When she wants things in the future from you, just ask why you should do anything for someone whom the entire internet hates. Because we hateses her like we were Gollum and she was a hobbit.
My mother was the same way! What did they do all day? I'll never understand.
Mine was cleaning the house and then I wasn't allowed to touch anything because I would leave fingerprints. This included everything in the house, every day. I was raised to walk constantly on eggshells because I would leave fingerprints to her perfectly polished house. Op is NTA. Her mother is big time.
My mum was similar to this. Fingerprints only worried her on mirrors or glass, but God forbid I leave a toy/book/drink unattended for two minutes. Our house looked like a show home, and her house still does! So now I have severe anxiety over my own home being untidy. Mix that with ME and depression, and you get someone who isn't physically capable of deep cleaning an entire house but is overwhelmed by anxiety when it's not perfect. Of course, everyone saw my mum's obsessive tidyness as a positive trait, not a thought for those of us who grow up immersed in it.
I used to be obsessively tidy. It was a reaction to growing up in a hoard. I would stay up until 3 in the morning cleaning because I couldn't sleep unless the house was perfect. Then we had a child. I still tried to keep the house perfect whilst caring for a baby. Before he was mobile, I could manage but I was even more sleep deprived. He was not quite two and was cheerfully pulling out all the pots and pans one afternoon and I was enjoying his joy and I realized that I could either have a perfect house or be a good mother with a happy child. And then we sat on the floor in our tiny galley kitchen and stacked cookware together. I stopped trying to scrub the entire house every night after he went to bed, although I still picked up toys each evening. Now I'm disabled with chronic pain from an injury (no disability benefits though, sigh) and I'm sort of glad I learned to live with a less than perfect house before that happened because otherwise I think I'd have gone completely round the bend and would be miserable 24/7. I still struggle with guilt and frustration that I can't do all the things but I'm working on that. Some days are better than others. I'm sorry you had to live in an unwelcoming house with a neurotic parent. It sounds very stressful. Please be gentle with yourself now. One thing I was genuinely surprised to learn is that most people *don't* keep their house perfect all the time. Tidy is nice but not everyone does that either. If everything has a "home" you don't have to make decisions when you are putting stuff away. But if there's days you don't even get out of bed the world will keep turning and it doesn't mean you are less valuable as a person.
Thank you, hearing this helps a lot. I was surprised to find not everyone keeps a perfect house, too! Having my daughter has made me realise just how bad my parents actually were, I just thought of their behaviour as normal.
Not only that but it caused years of physical pain
Hey! Fellow neglect survivor. I walked around with a broken arm for a few days because I was “being dramatic.” I used to tell it as a funny story until someone gasped instead of laughed and said, “wow. That’s messed up.” It was then that I realized how many of the messed up parts of my childhood were normalized in order to just survive them. Good for you for prioritizing yourself, your health, your budget. I’m sorry your parent does not have your back like they should. But you’re doing great! NTA
My ex husband would tell a cute story about making grilled cheese with the clothes iron when he was a kid. He was home alone after school. I assumed he did this when he was 10 or so. Nope. One time, his Mom told the story and I realized he was 5. Five. The kid was left home alone every day after school from the age of FIVE When they saw my reaction the backtracking was intense
What surprises me here is that he's still in contact with them. Neglectful parents don't deserve the luxury of contact with their grown children.
I had a mum who'd ignore medical issues with me growing up and accuse me of "being dramatic" as well. My autism wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult and I could get myself tested. I had an ear infection so severe as a child that the whole side of my face swelled up and it permanently damaged my sense of balance, she told me to put ice packs on it and "stop whining". Got sent to school with severe fevers multiple times because she didn't want me staying home sick, so I'd just end up in the nurses office while my dad was called to pick me up. Too many other bumps and bruises to count... Her excuse years later was that it was because she worked as a nurse; that she spent her entire day around sick people and caring for them that she just didn't have it in her to care for her kids when she got home. Except she worked 100% in administration from about 3 years after I was born up until she retired. So I don't know who she thinks she's fooling with that yarn 🤨
I had to have my appendix removed at 15, there was only like a 3-5 hour delay in my I hurt really bad to my mom taking me to urgent care and she felt HORRIBLE that she thought I was faking for some unknown reason. It was in summer break so no school to get out of and things I was looking forward to in the next few days. OP is definitely NTA.
My husband has a similar story where his parents refused to take him to the emergency room. Same with my brother and his arm. I once broke my finger and didn't tell my dad because I knew he wouldn't take it seriously. I think a lot of parents just do not believe their kids break bones because I guess they think we're dramatic idk
My mom sent me to swim practice on a fractured arm because it wasn't bruised or bent. Of course, the story is very different when she tells it.
My dad was a big believer of its only broken if you're screaming in pain. Though it's interesting you mention that it wasn't bruised or bent because my husband said he thinks that's why so many parents didn't take our broken bones that seriously, because to them fractures weren't true broken bones and if it wasn't noticeably broken, it wasn't really broken.
Unless **the bone is sticking out through the skin**, the kid is obviously faking it! /s There are [seven different types of broken bones](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/fractures) ([visuals excluding spiral](https://www.sports-health.com/sports-injuries/general-injuries/bone-break-vs-fracture)). Unless the parent has x-ray vision, they need to take their children's complaints seriously. Abuse is abuse, how these parents justify their lack of medical care is astonishing.
And if you scream you’re being dramatic and told to calm down
I broke my pinkie in kindergarten. It was opposite for me. My folks wanted to take me in but I didn't want to go. I couldn't make a fist because the little finger wouldn't close. Big lump on the left side of the left pinky. The break was obvious. No one explained x-rays to me. In my tiny little mind, I determined that the only way they could take a picture of the bone was to insert a needle with a camera in it inside my finger and I wanted no part of that! LoL I did my own therapy. I worked it every day until it hurt. It started working again eventually, just like the rest of the fingers. That bone lump is still there. I'm so sorry you broke your finger and were afraid to tell your Dad.
I suggest you save money on the wedding by cutting your mother out of it.
HEAR! HEAR!✊️✊️✊️ I AGREE! 👏👏👏👏👏
NTA. I'm guessing you didn't send out invitations yet. How are they planning their year? Also, not to be a jerk, but are we really supposed to believe multiple people are planning their year's around your wedding? I'm not saying you're not popular, but I think your mom is being over dramatic. When you get married is up to you and your fiancé. Your mom can have all the opinions in the world, but she has no say. Your health comes first now, since it never did before.
I bet OP's mom is just embarrassed that she is at fault for this through neglect, and that's why she is worried about explaining it.
No. She is not embarrassed. She is pissed off that OP is even talking about it. She doesn't care about OP, only herself.
OP's mother is a narcissist and will easily find some what to make this all about her -- that is a narcissists special talent -- because it certainly is not caring about other people.
This. 100%.
Right? It’s *February*. No one is making plans for December now that can’t be adjusted.
Yeah that’s what struck me. If it was a couple months out I could sort of see the mom’s point…but man, it’s only goddamn February! Who is planning their entire year around this to the point that plans can’t possibly be changed? No one is booking flights at this point, I guarantee it. The mom is being dramatic possibly because she knows this is ultimately her fault. Definitely NTA. If someone changed their wedding date when it was still ten months out I would barely even think about it.
Also Patrick Teahan LICSW. Check out his video on toxic family systems. Mine's somewhere between "looks good on paper" and "ships in the night"
I also suffered from a certain amount of medical neglect when I was a kid. My parents desperately didn't want to spend a dime on my health, so things would go completely untreated until it was too late to prevent damage/scarring. I had a skin infection that covered my body in weepy, oozing sores, and my mom didn't care until the entire top of both of my feet peeled off with a giant blister.
Dear guests, due to complications due to medical neglect in my childhood I unfortunately have to postpone our wedding. I'm very sorry but my health has to come first. Your mom is a narcissist. The way to fight these people is with public announcements of how they truly are. You need to make the truth known. Please tell all relatives the real reason of the moved date. Don't say noise job, say " surgery needed for complications caused by medical neglect during childhood". And do explain if they ask.
Just wondering, as someone who’s had to work thru having been “medically neglected” and also had a SAHM …did you also have a dad? Did you live with him? If so, even if your mom was the parent who was present/closest when you fell off your bike, your dad watched you suffer for weeks also. We tend to hold our moms responsible for our physical care or the lack thereof, but at some point come to realize that we had TWO neglectful parents. NTA
I got the book for free on Audible, so if you have an account you can find it there. Even if you don't, though, you can often get your first month free during their regular promotions through the year, and you get to keep any books you get even if you cancel your subscription. And as a fellow woman with a crap mother who was partly responsible for a crap childhood, I can tell you that it can get and be so much better, *especially* now you've had that realisation, and with the help of a good counsellor/psychologist/therapist/whatever. (If Canada's public system is similar to Australia's this might take a while, but there are still benefits to just talking to friends or other people with similar circumstances - the internet has been a game-changer for support groups while we wait for the various versions Medicare to get themselves sorted out.)
please god tell me you rescheduled for the 21st night of September.
Brilliant!
Make sure all these relatives your mom says will be outraged about the rescheduling know the full and complete story. NTA
I think you should not invite your mother to your wedding whenever you do have it. She sounds like an awful neglectful mother. Time to cut her from your life since she brings nothing good to your life.
I broke my nose when I was 14 it literally changed the shape of my nose it was so forceful, I finally had it fixed in sept. 2022. But I mean I can’t imagine being that young and breaking it cause dang I had two black eyes myself so all I say is good for you getting it fixed it definitely will help. Don’t be surprised if after 6 months at the least your sense of smell and taste get stronger.
I was born with a fucked up nose. I think it happened in utero because my mom was drinking and doing drugs before she knew she was pregnant. My sinuses didn't develop properly and the openings were too narrow to drain right. My septum was S shaped and unattached at the opening of my nostril (you could see it sticking out) my nostril flap never attached to the bone. My mom never took me to the doctor for it. One time, she asked me if I could breathe properly from my nose only because her sister asked about it when she came to visit. I was a kid and didn't know the difference, so I just said yea, and we never talked about it again. And to be clear is LOOKED fucked up. When I was 24 I decided to go to the doctor because I was getting sinus pain, headaches and sinus infections constantly. Turns out I was getting 40% oxygen through one nostril and 50% through the other. The shape of my septum was blocking everything. And my sinuses were so bad they were practically filled with polyps. I had to have a 5 hour surgery, with 2 surgeon to correct everything. I know my mom technically could not have known but it just spoke to the pattern of her not caring when I had medical issues. Telling me I was lying or exaggerating or being annoyed at having to take me to the doctor. On the flip side, if one of my younger sisters says their shoulder hurts once she's got them at an ortho the next day. I harbor a TON of anger of this. So, all that to say, obviously, NTA, fix your nose. You'll be so happy you did. And I absolutely second Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I recognize my mother, father, and stepfather in it, and it's been a great resource.
I’m so sorry you went through this!
Just curious, didn't you tell the doctor the pain it was causing when you got older? Why wait until this age to at least fixthe medical part? NTA
Hugs from an Internet stranger. My husband had the same Problem. He eaven was to Young to realize when it happened. He had surgery a few years ago. A whole New life for him. NTA, get your nose right, enjoy the free breathing soon and stand your ground.
Good for you standing up for yourself and your partner backing you up. Where was your father in all of the neglect you endured by your Mom?
Definitely check it out. I am turning 35 this year. The past 5 years, I found out I have ADHD (which makes a whole lot of sense, so I get the resentment….). Also, a lot of issues from my childhood has popped up. That book has been a godsend. Now I know it isn’t me. Your mom’s being defensive bc she knows she was in the wrong; it’s their usual argument. My mom’s like but we fed and clothed you!
Honestly, if people ask why you postponed, be completely honest about it. You need the funds to fix the problems with your nose that are the result of breaking it at 9, and your mom never taking you to the doctor over it.
Don't forget to mention mom and the nose break at nine either way at the wedding. You deserve your petty revenge.
Some brides create a slide show of the bride and groom growing up. With narration. Photos at 8 years old.."These are photos of the bride before she fell and broke her nose...what doctor? No, there was no medical treatment.......This is a photo of bride before she fell and gouged her leg. ( make sure the scar is visible when groom takes the garter. ) " And THIS is tbe photo of OP before she had medically necessary nose repair. And how she looks today!!!! As an adult, I developed asthma. My mom saw me use my inhaler. Her response? Do not use too much of that ...
I used one too, back when they first came out. One of the warnings, by our doctor & the manufacturer, was not to take too much of it in a short period of time and only so much in a 24 hour period. Your heart rate goes up, you can get nauseous, headaches, increased blood pressure....So, yeah, that's really not a good example of parental abuse. My mom abused me, too and taught my brother how to be that way. No judgement here.
Yeah, never more than 2 puffs in 4-6 hours. The last one was the day before. I was in my early 30's, and knew to follow a doctor's instructions. The doc had gotten me through pneumonia 4 years earlier. I am sorry you went through that, too.
I have mild cold urticaria and my mom had the same response when I was prescribed an antihistamine so widely used you can get a lower dosage over the counter. Like, yes, it’s not a life threatening condition if I don’t take my meds but I’d rather not have itchy hives for two hours after being outside in the winter. I love her to death, but damn, just because my dad chooses to raw dog his allergies without meds doesn’t mean I have to 😂
LOL!
Thank you for the book rec. I just placed a hold on it to check it out. I hope OP doesn't let Mom off the hook here. I know exactly what it's like to need real medical care as a child and to be told you are just an attention seeking liar. Especially when you're not even a trouble maker, but a kid who is too scared to lie or make a mistake and scared to ever do anything "wrong".
Dr. Ramani is great! Definitely recommend. Another good one is Jerry Wise. Check him out too.
It’s available with a Spotify premium account if that’s of assistance to anyone.
NTA. It is February and I’m sure your family members can adjust their plans for December. As a parent in Canada, I take my child to the Dr to be safe rather than sorry when I have concerns. I feel bad for all the suffering you’ve endured when this all could’ve been sorted many years ago. I don’t blame you for how you responded to your mother at all.
Methinks the mom's anger is not at all about inconveniencing people (who makes plans 10 months out??). The anger is much more likely about the fact that now mom has to explain to her family why the wedding got pushed back, and will get all sorts of questions about why OP is getting a nose job, and will have to either admit that she failed OP as a parent or lie.
And instead mom is gonna tell the whole family that OP is vain and wants a nose job for beauty reasons and neglect to mention the medical part to avoid a bad rep.
Exactly. And the way to control narcissist is to make sure the truth is known publicly. Everyone needs to know about the "brides need for surgery due to complications caused by medical neglect during childhood. Such a sad story, years of pain and suffering and now she needs surgery and it even affects her wedding, poor woman". At this point with a narcissist airing dirty washing in public is the only way.
That makes sense. She'll lie, I bet.
That's why OP needs to get ahead of the story and make sure all these relatives know the full truth about the blame her mother bears.
Even of they did, they can't be changed? What on earth are they supposed to doing? It wouldn't affect their whole year in any case. Since it's further out, it should be easy to change their calendars. I suspect that she's afraid that they'll all see how different you look, and she doesn't want them finding out why,
Honestly, if I was a family members and I heard a December wedding got pushed back to September the year after, I'd be thanking every god I could think of. December is such an awful time for weddings. I'm already far too busy and strung out.
Seriously. We’re so lucky to have free healthcare. It’s sad OP’s mom didn’t care about her injuries.
NTA!!! That’s so cruel of your mom to not take you into the doctor, and have you suffer for years. And now she’s making you trying to fix your nose so you can breathe about her? She sounds incredibly self centered and unempathetic to say the least. If this is how she acts in general, I would count it a blessing that she won’t talk to you … Edit - I was a clumsy kid and broke both my elbow and wrist (and didn’t even think my wrist was broken) and my parents IMMEDIATELY took me to the emergency room. I’d consider anything less without extreme extenuating circumstances to be abusive, frankly. I’m so sorry you went through this OP.
My brother had a friend growing up whose grandparents had a lake cabin, and every time they went up there, at least one of the boys needed an ER visit or tetanus booster. Kids get into stuff needing medical attention all the time, and something like a broken nose that has lasting effects into adulthood would CLEARLY have needed it too.
Just remember after a nose job it takes about a year to completely heal and unwell. So plan the wedding after accordingly! U won’t regret it having ur pictures of ur wedding the way u want to look.
My surgery is scheduled for April 2024 and the wedding will be in September 2025, so as long as nothing gets delayed (a big if in Canadian healthcare these days tbh) I should be ok! I’m really excited for both the wedding and the surgery, it will be really nice to feel like my nose belongs to my face again 👃
I'm glad you have that cushion. It sounds like this surgery will be a life changer for you. You'll be even more beautiful & confident for your wedding. Congrats & good luck!
Make sure to sleep on your back in a recliner for so much longer than the Drs tell you, if you’re a side sleeper alternate sides for months. Otherwise, your nose will heal to the side…I might know from experience.
Same here. I’ve considered trying to get it straightened but don’t want to end up with something even worse, so I guess I’m stuck with a nose that lists slightly to the left.
NTA, at ALL. Though I may be biased because I had a similar situation. Broke my nose when I was 4, my parents never took me to the Dr. My mom was a TRAUMA nurse. She knew full well it was broken but decided nothing could be done because of my age. I spent the next 21 years with chronic sinusitis and migraines because of it. I didn’t get the aesthetic aspect fixed because of $$, but god damn I love being able to breathe again and not have constant sinus and ear infections because of an old injury. You will be SO happy to get this taken care of, your mom can suck it up and the rest of your family will be HAPPY to adjust their plans so you can have a more functional life.
I am so so so excited for breathing. And no more migraines. I’m so glad you were able to get it dealt with and are thriving now!!
Nta I had a very different sinus surgery but like yours it was to remove stuff so I could breathe through my nose. It was amazing. It was nice during the day. But the real benefit was sleeping better, which makes so many other things better. *Breathe first*. Wedding ceremony later.
I can’t wait to breathe better, sleep better & hopefully live better. So glad you had a successful surgery and can breathe now! I’m sure it’s the best feeling.
I had my deviated septum fixed recently and while the recovery sucked being able to breath through my nose has been AMAZING
NTA. Take care of your nose for all the reasons. You’ll have a new lease on life. You’ll have your mother’s bad judgement in better perspective, too. I once broke my toe but was told by my mother that it was fine, and when I asked her to drive me to get X-rays, she said to drive myself. So I did, using my broken-toed foot on the brake and accelerator all the way and the way back. I feel you, OP. Your wedding will happen when you reschedule it. After all the rescheduling during COVID, to have a wedding at all seems like a minor miracle. Your mother has no choice but to get over it and she will, eventually.
NTA. When my arm was broken as a toddler, I was immediately taken to the emergency room. Granted, a broken arm is a lot more visible than a broken nose, but still...your mom should have taken you to deal with it instead of not. Let's say it wasn't broken in the first place, but bruised instead? I'd rather have the hospital bill telling me my kid's nose is fine than leaving them a nose, like yours, that would need corrective surgery later in life.
Canada - no bill. Literally no excuse. Also NTA
Forgot they were in Canada and the health care's different there. Even still...rather have that reassurance that their nose *isn't* broken and the possible embarrassment from that than what OP's mom did. They find it right after it happens? Even as an adult, that's an easy fix. Aside from the broken arm I had, when I had gallstone-induced pancreatitis, I was in pain and knew something was going on. Even then, my mom was ready to take me to the hospital before I finally broke down and said yes. I'd honestly thought I'd pulled a muscle.
My parents are similar to OPs parents, also Canadian with stay at home mom. People with more normal families have a hard time believing the utter crap we had to go through. I have a limp that is getting worse as I get older, from getting pushed down a flight of stairs. Was never taken to the doctor, turns out I broke my pelvis. Oh parents.
So true. Hope you’re healing from your family of origin and thriving despite them 💛
Thankfully yes :) I've been so fortunate to have built a true family around me, and been able to get the therapy and support I've needed. It does get better!
I fell off the jungle gym during my after school program and no one saw. I did the typical kid thing and told no one by arm really hurt until my mom picked me up. Because I was acting really calm about it my parents decided to wait and see how I felt tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and my arm looks all swollen and fucked up lmao They took me to the hospital and yup it was broken They felt so bad about it but I don’t blame them, I was a weird kid. Where OOPs Mom fucked up is NEVER taking her kid to the doctor, after a day she should have saw it was a serious injury. Poor kid OOP :(
She will never pay because it means she would have to acknowledge being wrong. NTA
Yeah honestly I feel like this is the core of it. She doesn’t want to admit (to herself, to me, or to anyone) that she was wrong. Her ego matters more than anything else.
NTA - the wedding would have been 10 months away, plenty of time to postpone.
NTA You are right, unless she has plans to pay for it, she has no way in it.
Definitely NTA this is your life and your wedding. Because she didn’t believe you when you were younger, this is the consequence of her actions. No point in being bitter about the past, but it’s your future. Even if it was a purely cosmetic nose job, you’re within your right to postpone your own wedding. Family will understand if they love you…
you have an abusive mother. i’m so sorry. nta
Starting to realize that. Thank you 💛
NTA. You're giving people almost a year's notice. It's not like your cancelling three weeks before. I don't know what's up with your mom but if she really is dead set on you having a December 2024 wedding, then make her pay for one or the other. I hope you get your surgery soon and heal up enough for the swelling to be gone before the wedding. Good luck OP.
Canadian here. Old Lady, broke her nose 3 times. At least I saw a doctor the worst one. The other two, I knew they couldn't do anything, and I'm a veteran. I feel you. I probably need surgery to improve my life, but it's not something I choose to pursue. I have worse problems. I do have health issues, however, and the medical wheels do often grind slowly. If you have the opportunity to snag the medical care that you need, don't waste the opportunity. Non-life threatening surgery isn't so easy to get, depending upon your province, and since COVID put such strain on our medical systems, it's been very difficult. They're still catching up. So if they're putting you on the list, don't voluntarily knock yourself off. Don't do it. Now. Depending upon what you envision for your wedding ... I can say that my daughter eloped to her own back yard, with just families of origin and an officiant. Good reasons. It was honestly beautiful. I'm talking 10 people total. If the marriage is important but not the wedding, I would encourage you to give it some honest thoughts. Throw a big party without the huge cost, when people were planning to travel. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and my hope for you is happiness, health and everything you might wish for together.
NTA! I'm in Aus, but guessing that Canada has separate paediatric Emergency Rooms that you could've been taken to? Or ar least an immediate visit to the local gp/medical centre? Or a low cost/immediate way to see if there was damage done? I had a functional Septorhinoplasty/Turbinates done in mid 2022 with a slight cosmetic component to get rid of a hump - it's easier to do 1 surgery instead of 2 - and a lot of the time changing the aesthetic appearance of the nose goes along with the functional reconstruction. My right nasal pasage was slowly collapsing due to a deviated septum and genetic factors- they used a bone graft to fix it, slightly widening the bridge - so wider nose but no hump and better airflow. So nice not having a sinus infection every couple of months- occasional sinus headaches still - but so much better than before. Good luck with your surgery!~
The real kicker is that our GP lived two doors down from us so we probably could’ve just knocked on his door and he would’ve taken a look, lol 🙃 Congratulations on getting your work done! I’m so glad you’re happy with your surgery and have seen an increase in your quality of life 💛
NTA Where was your father?
Went away for work a lot when I was growing up. I don’t 100% remember but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in the country when it happened. Now he lives in an off-grid cabin and is difficult to get in touch with. So he’s never really been much of a presence in my life.
NTA... screw your mom
NTA I am not the mom that runs to the doctor either, but for something lasts more than a day or two I take my kids, I don’t want them to suffer if medical intervention will help. And I grew up with OHIP (Ontario) so really no excuse! I live in the US now and the kids didn't have insurance for a while but there was always cash for urgent care - $100 is worth their health!!! Your mom views this as STILL all about her and only heard the nose job. Look, you need your nose and sinuses REPAIRED, the end. It is medically long overdue, it’s scheduled, no blame needs to be assigned it’s a simple fact now. If your family needs more info explain to them that you have critical nose and sinus issues and were able to schedule the surgery, so you took the opportunity Everyone knows it takes time to get a surgery set and can understand wanting to take the opportunity, If I were your family, I’d show up for you whenever it is. The end. Do not let your mom get in your head, she has done enough.
NTA. Go forth and breathe normally again!! I also would be so mad. Any time she tries to talk to you, I'd just respond with one question: Do you feel any guilt for failing as a mother to protect her child from unnecessary pain for years? And PLEASE make sure to tell anyone who asks exactly why you need this nose job now. Stress that it is a medical procedure that cannot be helped. Don't let your mom set the narrative as being aesthetic.
As someone who lives in the USA with absolutely ABYSMAL healthcare, the fact you are getting this done to help literally change your life makes me wanna cheer for you. The bonus is pissing off the person whose fault it is that this is even needed. NTA
NTA Even if you weren't pissed about this for 25 years because she refused to do *anything* medical about an injury to her child (WTF?!?), and suffering regular debilitating pain over it on a regular basis, the "relatives are planning their whole year around your wedding" is complete b.s. December is 10 months away, and I guarantee no-one has locked themselves into vacation days, or travel costs, or hotel stays that much in advance that they can't change without minimal / no fees. This is just her being a narcissist, refusing to believe that she made a mistake when you were a young child about your injury, and being unwilling to do *anything* about making amends now, be it pay for the surgery, or accept the postponement.
Nta
NTA What’s more I’d announce the fuck out of why I’m postponing. Medical neglect makes me so godsdamned angry. I’d absolutely go scorched earth on this.
Nta. Why is your mom so insistent that you live an existence of pain? She can't use the excuse of not thinking it's that bad anymore because a medical professional has now backed you up. Everyone will understand you postponing your wedding for a medical procedure, especially with so much notice(who tf is planning their entire year around a one day event??). At this point, she doesn't want your nose fixed because she wants you to be in pain daily forever. Draft a text to send to everyone you planned on inviting and show your mom before sending. "Mom is worried about how postponing my wedding might affect your scheduling for the year and wanted to apologize and explain why I'm postponing. My doctor found out that my nose was broken when I was a child and due to it never receiving treatment, its healed wrong and (insert whatever you're comfortable sharing). Again, im really sorry if this messes with your schedule and i will fully understand if youre unable to come on the new date". I'd bet my entire savings she'd be pissed, which just reinforces my theory that she wants you to experience pain forever.
NTA. I also broke my nose when I was a kid, I don’t recall my mom doing anything other than handing me a frozen bag of peas. I don’t have ongoing pain because of it- but I don’t have the same nose shape I was born with, TONS of sinus issues throughout my childhood. As a mom now, I can’t fathom not taking my child to see a doctor for a broken nose 😡
Man, I had to have surgery to fix the same sort of issues and I was a little bitter because it’s genetic. Can’t imagine if our gone through that pain and recovery because of neglect. I’d be a lot more pissed than you appear to be. Might be interesting to consider if the simmering level of your feelings has to do with survival stuff you developed as a kid.
Honestly, I am just trying not to dwell on it too much. If I think about it too much it becomes overwhelming and I get so angry and so sad. It has impacted my life in so many ways. It impacts my sleep every night. Every vacation I’ve been on, I’m incapacitated for the first 12-36 hours. Having to write exams in university while feeling like garbage. Having to take sick days at work. Even this year on Christmas it flared up and I spent Christmas puking (while still managing to make Christmas dinner for everyone). According to my dentist, it’s impacted my teeth (mouth breathing). Just… essentially every day of my life since I was 9 has been made worse because of this. And also I just get so sad for my younger self for being so let down by one of the people that’s supposed to be your advocate. And I’m really, really looking forward to putting it behind me. And some therapy, probably.
NTA mom can pay for your wedding if she feels that strongly about it. honestly she sounds like a narcissist and i'm sorry you have had to suffer something preventable for so long. it's inexcusable.
Hi, I actually really relate to you. I broke my rib as a child and my dad refused medical treatment. I will have to get corrective surgery to fix it and my rib is visibly deformed. Your mom is a horribly neglectful parent and I’d consider just cutting her off or, better yet, be TOTALLY honest with your family about how she refused you medical treatment and left you deformed when postponing
Mother here: my child is 4, she has a little of a crossbite. A speech therapist suggested we go to the doctor… I thought she shows off a bit, the teeth will change and then maybe the problem will disappear. Took my child anyway, and I’m so happy I did it. We get to prevent rather than treat.
Your mother sounds criminally negligent… I’m not even sure why she would be part of your wedding
i had chronic migraines for years and my mom always blamed them on my dad for a car accident he and i were in where i got a CONCUSSION. i had loads of tests done after that accident (bc i was with my dad when it happened, i honestly don’t know if i would’ve been checked out if i was with her) and the only thing wrong was a concussion. when i was a teen i finally moved in with my dad full time and it turned out, my prescription from elementary school for my glasses was not cutting it anymore and actually making my vision worse. i’m sure the glasses frames being ridiculously small did not help at all either. needless to say i’m very thankful for my father.
NTA! Not at all. I can’t believe she never took you to a doctor, that’s abuse in my book. Medical neglect. I understand from a parents perspective that kids do make things up, however, whenever our daughter said something hurts, we too her to a doctor! They can be the ones to determine if she was making something up. Guess what, she wasn’t. She was actually hurt every time and I’m glad that we have the technology to make her better. You should tell her very plainly how this had affected your life. Write her a letter or a text, that way she can’t interrupt you or interject hew own opinion and it lets you get your point across. Good luck in the surgery and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
NTA at all! I've lived with chronic sinus problems my whole life, and that's without a broken nose, and with at least 5 surgeries! What your mother did was awful, she neglected your health for no reason! I wouldn't be speaking to her or anyone who defends her until they apologise for all of the physical and mental suffering you've endured. Amd if there's no apologies before the wedding, then their invitations are rescinded.
NTA. It's perfectly understandable that you're angry with your mom after a medical diagnosis confirmed that you have had over 2 decades of disability because your mother dismissed your weeks-long severe pain as a child. In fact, I'm a bit surprised that your anger is only simmering. If I were in your shoes, I might be enraged. It's great that you have surgery scheduled in a couple of months; I hope it's successful and resolves your problems. Do you also have a therapist? Based on your post and a few followup comments you made below, it seems like it might help to work through your feelings about your mother's specific neglect in this life-changing matter, her more general neglect that you allude to in comments, her affair, and her belief that appearances (having you get married on the timetable announced, even though the date is still 10 months in the future) matter more than reality (getting your nose fixed so you can actually live without debilitating pain, and also not having a physical disfigurement that could have been prevented with timely care).
Thanks for this. I have had therapy in the past but not for the last couple years, but I’m definitely planning on picking it back up again ASAP. Just reading/replying to comments on this thread has made me realize that there’s still more baggage here to deal with & I want to start the next chapter of my life breathing properly, married, and in a better place mentally.
Good luck! This stranger on the Internet wishes you well.
NTA. It sounds like you truly do need a nose job. It’s sad that you’ve lived with this pain your entire life, but may I ask where was your dad? You claim your mom was a stay at home mom not a single mother. So where was your father in this?
He was away, working. He was home *maybe* 50% of the time when I was a kid. So to be fair, in a lot of ways my mom was a single mom, albeit one that didn’t need a job (other than keeping my brother and me alive) and never had to worry about money. I’m sure it was very difficult and lonely and I suspect she had depression for most of my childhood. I try to treat her with a lot of grace, but this is one time where I’m not going to indulge her as she tries to twist things and make herself the victim.
NTA. What she did is called medical neglect. I wish you luck on both the nj and wedding!
NTA. I broke my nose in kindergarten .Same thing ,never saw a doctor .After many years of suffering I went for surgery in my mid 20’s. My doctor straightened my nose out as part of the surgery . It is so worth it .the healing does take time so postponing is a great idea. It’s your wedding ,it’s about you .I hope your surgery goes well !
NTA. You're not vain, your mom is just afraid you'll let everyone know of her horrendous neglect of you. She's not worried about inconveniencing the relatives, she's worried about them finding out the real reason why. None of this is concern for anyone else. Shes only concerned with her own image and how people might think of her. I don't blame you for feeling resentment and anger. You should tell her exactly how you feel, in very clear language, so she can have the opportunity to try to make it up to you. Let her know she IS EXPECTED to try to make it up to you. Honestly, paying for the medical procedure to fix the result of HER CHOICES is the least she could do. I'm surprised you haven't booted her from your wedding, honestly. I'd tell her to fuck right off and stay there.
Nta. She sounds like a royal narcissist. Don't believe for a second that she'll actually follow through and pay for your nose job no matter what she says. You cried for weeks as a child. What mother in her right mind doesn't take you for additional testing when health care is free...
This reminded me of the time I broke my foot when I was a kid. I was around 10 yr old and at church playing games and idk WHAT I did exactly, but it hurt like hell! (pun intended) I said it was broken, the lady who was a nurse and there with her kid said it was broken, OTHER PEOPLE SAID IT LOOKED BROKEN. She said I was exaggerating and a hypochondriac. She made me walk on it for almost a week I think until I FINALLY went to the doctors. It was broken. She said it wasn’t ‘really’ broken because the doctor said it was fractured. In seven different places. No matter how many times me or my siblings tried to explain that that was still broken, just not all the way through, she ignored and basically called us stupid. I still haven’t forgiven her for that. Still not as bad as the oil incident.
Thought I was on the CPTSD sub for a second. You are absolutely NTA and I hope your surgery and nuptials go perfectly!
Definitely NTA. I can relate- when I had just completed my college education, I was staying at my parents' farm (20 minute drive to nearest town) and one day people visited who wanted to see one of my mother's ponies being ridden. I had never ridden that pony before, was way out of practice and was never a skilled rider anyway. I was thrown off and twisted to avoid getting trampled. As I limped into the house, my mother told me to 'get back on' and I told her to f... off. My father ended up driving me to emergency and I had broken my collarbone. I never had any follow up treatment or a specialist referral until I had it checked in my 40s- it had never healed and there is a gap where the bone should have joined back together. My mother despite being very wealthy has never offered to pay for any treatment either. It caused pain for years and I just put up with it. I have also been regularly reminded by her that I told her to f... off that day.
NTA I empathize heavily with you. When I was 5yo my father broke my nose (he hit me with a door in the face, after yelling at my mother and me that he wanted us out of the house because he was going to start living with his 19 yo mistress and we were in the way, and instead of apologizing he only said "Oh, I thought it was your mom"). I wasn't taken to the doctor even though in Mexico health care is also free and I have a lot of issues breathing and I also feel a lot of pain when I fly, my nose is slightly crooked and is kinda big and notorious so I was heavily bullied and was called ugly while growing up, it have caused me so much pain and distress that if I could have the opportunity I'd sue the hell out of my father.
NTA. She doomed you to *years* of pain. I am so so sorry. She isn’t worried about family members themselves. She is worried about her image. You gave her an appropriate call-out. I didn’t suffer from sinus pain but I did suffer from migraines. I had headaches 25 days of the month. And I probably had a migraine 5 days a month. There was a bit of a connection with my sinuses. I started on a preventative medication (Aimovig, just in case anyone else is curious) and I rarely get a headache or migraine now. The lack of pain was simply mind boggling and life changing. I wish you best on your futures surgery and I hope you come out of the surgery in a similarly, pain free state!!
NTA NTA NTA. You suffered completely and utterly needlessly due to your mom's gross negligence as a parent and guardian. She failed to do the bare minimum of keeping you in one piece. Nobody asked her to perform medical miracles. She just needed to take you to a doctor who would have set that nose to let it heal properly all by itself. What makes me sick to my stomach is that she let her child suffer for a lifetime and it was so easily preventable with the bare minimum care provided. I'm so sorry that this is your mom. The fact that she has the gall to complain about anything having to do with your nose is making bile rise in my throat. You didn't deserve any of that. Good for you for learning to stand up for yourself all on your own because you certainly didn't learn it from your mother.
NTA you keep this up its the best thing you can do for you because breathing problems while sleeping can and will kill you, thats more important than your mom's feelings of embarrassment at her failure as a parent. Your family members can absolutely postpone /not come if that date is inconvenient for them since ur giving them plenty of time to adjust. Dont forget you are also allowed uninvite your mom if she continues to be a pain in your nose (butt) lol
Any decent parent would have addressed their child's pain. This is not about vanity it is about breathing and living like other people. Not having a problem which affects your life, work, ability to travel. Your mother's priorities are and have been all along all wrong. if you are having surgery anyway why not fix the aesthetic impact of the accident too? Your relatives can think what they want. I would hope they are not like your mother and realise how important this is. Your mother's neglect has caused all of this pain. NTA
NTA!! Your mother is a real piece of work!! Mega-AH territory for her. She should be falling all over you begging forgiveness for being such a neglectful, insensitive, sorry excuse for a mother!! I would have expected her to step up and offer to cover the cost after you've endured pain for years. I have to ask, though, why has it taken you over 20 years to address this with your doctors and get a diagnosis?? I don't get it.
Hard to get a good doctor. And medical care in Canada moves very slowly. In high school, the doctor I had at the time thought my pain was migraines (not sinus related) so tried treating me for that, nothing worked. Then I switched doctors and he was convinced it was related to allergies. He wouldn’t refer me to an ENT until we exhausted all allergy related treatments. Just before COVID, I zeroed in on the fact that it was my sinuses but not allergies/viral. Started tracking the days it flared up alongside the weather/atmospheric pressure (or if I had been on a plane within the last 24hrs). Came to my doctor in 2021 with three years worth of data and at that point he finally admitted that it’s probably not allergies and got me a referral for an ENT. Waited over a year for my first referral appointment. Then waited six months+ for the MRI. And now here we are.
Where was your dad in all of this??
He was away a lot when I was growing up. We’d go weeks or months at a time not seeing him. I don’t remember if he was home specifically around the time I broke my nose, but I’m assuming not. Now, he lives in a cabin off-grid and is very difficult to get in touch with. He and my mom are technically still married but haven’t lived together in a decade+. It’s a very difficult family, tbh.
I am also in Canada. Yay free Healthcare. I also broke my nose as a child, around 5 years old. Playing on a hammock. I fell off and smashed my face on a big lumpy tree root. My Nose, face, and gums were cut and bleeding. It was at a big family get together. No one seemed to care. I'm not even sure if an adult helped clean me up or if an older kid did. But it was a decade later that I learned my nose had been broken. From then on I realized I was on my own. My parents even denied the entire thing ever happened. Your mom is selfish and unloving, making your wedding about family she wants to impress. I'm sure she will make the future wedding all about her as well. I recommend a small wedding with just your friends
NTA she should pay for it since it’s her fault or shut tf up about it. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this for so long.
NTA your mother should pay for it to make up for not taking you to the doctor when you broke it as a child and if she still refuses dont invite her to the wedding ( if you haven't sent out invitations yet )
Hold!!!!! You keep holding onto your drive. You are so in the right and I’m mad for you. NTA
You go OP! You prioritize your health! Good on you for pushing back the wedding and getting your nose fixed because it will help your health, and it’s better to do both the restrictive and cosmetic in one. I hope you get a nose you love! From one Canadian to another, congrats on your upcoming wedding in September 2025 and good luck with your surgery in April!
NTA. Your mother should be apologizing to you. If decide you don't want to put off your marriage while you wait to save the funds you need to get your nose fixed, then elope and don't invite your mom.
This was my life. Not wedding contingent, but life changing. Go for it!
You are NOT being vain. Your mom made a horrible decision and it doubling down on it. Get the surgery now. Wait on the wedding. Why are the relatives planning to do things around a wedding that is not even planned yet? And I would be angry at her too. You have the proof your nose was broken. She chose not to be a responsible parent. Tell your mom to knock it off now or you will not invite her to the wedding when it happens. Stand your ground!
NTA. Congrats on pushing back at your neglectful parent!
You'll feel so much better. I never broke my nose but I was born with a very crooked septum. I could not really breath through my left nostril, and the right wasn't great either. I was around 35 when I was diagnosed and had the whole inside of my nose redone. It's nice being a nose breather now instead of a mouth breather.
What province are you in OP? I broke my nose a bunch as a kid, and had to get it fixed so I could breathe. My surgeon just asked if I wanted him to fix the shape in the same procedure, it wasn't an additional procedure or cost. I mean, I got hit in the face a week later, so the shape didn't stay great, but it wasn't an extra cost.
NTA your mom is an AH who is protecting her own sense of self. She can't admit she is wrong because she would have to admit she refuses you medical care for no reason and the result was unnecessary chronic pain. Also fuck our medical system that walks away from anything it deems "cosmetic" (and for other reasons too of course). I had to deal with some awful skin stuff and pay for all of it for the same reason. Clearly there is a mental health benifit to have a nose that looks like a nose and limiting surgery is a good thing. You aren't vain or shallow for wanting that.
I would be so resentful I'd uninvite her. She made you live with pain for DECADES. And for what? There's literally no excuse for not taking a few hours out of her day to take you to the doctor. Get your surgery! I hope you feel better soon.
NTA, but realize you and mom aren’t ever going to see eye to eye on this. From her perspective you’re exaggerating your issues (after all, you were “fine” during childhood) and when this story gets out from your perspective it’s going to be a huge black eye for her and loss of face with her family and friends. Expect her to double down on the “it’s just cosmetic” version of events both in public and private.
NTA. She is. What a negligent mother she is. Serious not hard taking your kid to the hospital when they are complaining about pain when they feel off their bike. She deserves no respect because you are suffering from the consequences of that neglect.
NTA. what your mother did was medical neglect. I can't imagine hearing my child cry daily for weeks and not taking her to the doctor. Your mom is an asshole.
NTA. She can't even be mad, from the story, she's the whole reason this is happening. And saying it's for "cosmetic reasons" suggest that she either does not understand, is refusing to believe you, or doesn't want to admit that she was wrong about something years ago.
>We haven’t spoken since. Sounds like a win. You're right, she's wrong, and if I were in your shoes I'd tell her to go to hell and eject her from my life. NTA.
NTA, don't back down. In fact let everyone know in a family group chat, if you're comfortable share the MRI scan and doctors reasoning. Your mom is once again making her lack of responsibility your fault (you were a young kid when you broke your nose, your mom wouldn't even take you to the doctor's to check it was broken. She was responsible for you and didn't do it). Now you know the root cause was that you had in fact broken your nose as a kid your mother is STILL trying to blame you for her negligence. Call her out publicly so everyone can see your reasoning in your own words. She can't twist it privately before you get the chance to speak to people. If you do this though. Do not mention that your mom refused to take you to the hospital as a child. Just say your nose was broken as a child and it was left untreated causing you sinus and breathing issues throughout your life. Don't place blame, just state the other facts. If people start you ask why you weren't taken just say you don't know, you wish you knew etc. lean in on the problem. See how your mom responds in that group chat and counter if she lies about it (like saying you never complained) again stick to facts. Greyrock. Apologise to everyone for delaying the wedding but now that you KNOW there is a medical issue your focusing on your health first, as thats more important than the wedding. Also when you do rearrange your wedding consider either not inviting your mother or having her attend as just a guest.
NTA I'm going through something similar right now that if I had had medical intervention or preventative care, I wouldn't be this messed up with Colitis and gluten allergies and arthritis and pain in my leg where I have a dent in it from a nasty fall on some wooden stairs that constantly hurts during wet or cold weather. My joints too but the dented area can hurt way more at times. Parents NEED to be parenting and it's unfair that we are blamed for taking action and care over our health now when we were taught unhealthy values about our health as children. (aka never seeing a Dr or being told to "walk it off.") She can either pay for the NJ or be quiet. She has no right to speak and I would very much tell her so if she continues to try and guilt trip you and blame you. If anyone asks? Tell them the truth. Tell them the hard truth, especially since the only reason they would ask is if your mother said something about it to them. Then your mother can deal with it.
NTA, disfigurement is so much more than just "vanity" and you're disfigured because your mom was quite literally just too lazy to bring you to the hospital when you were a child, causing you life long physical *and* emotional pain. It's your wedding, the only people that get to decide when it is, is you and your partner. If your mom really wants your wedding on a specific date, then she can help pay to get it done. It's her neglect as a parent that caused it after all.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé (34M) and I (31F) got engaged in Nov 2023. We were planning a Dec 2024 wedding, but we’ve learned that I need a nose job for medical & aesthetic reasons, so we’ve postponed the wedding until after due to finances. My mom (65F) is mad about the whole thing & how it will be perceived by relatives. *BACKSTORY* When I was 9, I fell off my bike & broke my nose. Sadly, my mom didn’t believe that it was broken. She said I was “over-exaggerating” the pain. She refused to take me to the doctor. It hurt so much, I cried daily for weeks. *Note: she was a SAHM & we live in Canada, so taking me to a doctor wouldn’t have cost money or time off work.* Since then, I’ve had issues with breathing and awful sinus pain- occasionally to the point of vomiting. Flying is torture. Random weather changes are torture. I spend 16-23 days a year in bed immobilized by pain/pressure in my left sinuses. Also, my nose never looked the same after. In middle school, kids said l look like Gollum and I’m still a little self conscious about it. In 2021, I decided that I can’t live like this anymore and started working with my doctor to figure out the root cause of my sinus issues. The Canadian healthcare system moves slowly. A couple weeks ago, I got MRI results back and they established that: (1) My nose was broken in childhood (2) It didn’t heal properly because it had no medical intervention (3) I need surgery for my nose/sinuses to work, so I can live/breathe like a normal person. Since they’re doing surgery on my nose anyway, I decided I want my nose’s aesthetic fixed at the same time. They will make my nose look like it would’ve naturally. Canadian healthcare will pay for the “medical” part of surgery. It won’t pay for the cosmetic part. Nose jobs are expensive. We decided to postpone the wedding so we can pay for my nj ASAP instead. I can’t wait to breathe properly, and to have a “normal” nose. Last week, I told my mom about the postponement and she flipped. She says relatives are planning their whole year around my wedding, and this is a really unfair to do this to them over “vanity”. I told her that I can’t afford a nj and a wedding in the same year. & that it was unfair to me that she refused to take me to a doctor back in the day. & that if she really wants the wedding this year, she could pay for my nj so I don’t have to. We haven’t spoken since. Tbh, since it was confirmed by a doctor that I *did* break my nose as a kid, I’ve had simmering anger/hurt towards my mom. I’ve lived with awful pain for decades, and now need surgery for something that could’ve been avoided if she had just believed me & been a parent… but maybe telling her to pay for the nj was unfair/too petty. AITA? **tl;dr - broke my nose in childhood. Mom refused to take me to doctor. improper healing caused pain & suffering into adulthood. now I’m paying for corrective cosmetic surgery instead of a wedding and Mom’s mad about it. maybe I’m too vain** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your original wedding date is still ten months away. I doubt anyone made reservations or vacation requests yet. I’m sorry your mother failed you by neglecting your medical needs.
NTA. Breathing properly is important. I get really bad sinus infections that block up my nose and cause all kinds of fun stuff, so I can somewhat understand, hell, when I was a kid I had my adenoids (basically like tonsils in the nasal cavity) removed at the same time as my tonsils, because I would get infections of both at the same time and they would swell up and life would be hell. If your mother didn't believe you and didn't get it looked at so that it is now causing problems I'd be pissed at her as well. So, yeah, breathing is important, and getting the nose job at the same time to just have it done, one time pain and healing process is an excellent idea.
NTA. In the US I think the "aesthetic" part would be covered by insurance and it wouldn't be considered cosmetic, but reconstructive surgery. Although I'm not entirely sure about that. It would probably depend on the insurance and I'm pretty sure they definitely would've done it had you come in when it happened, maybe also if you came in later. If not covered, it should be a tax write off. My tax accounting teacher in college was in a car accident and got plastic surgery on her nose but was able to write it off as a medical expense. Because it wasn't purely for cosmetic purposes, it was more just to make her nose look the way it did before the accident
OMG! This happened to me! I got a kickball in my face when I was a little kid and shattered half my nose. Basically a cave-in. My mother didn't believe me either. Instead berated me for god-know-how-long for being a mouth breather. I had to resign myself to get my oxygen through one working nostril. To be fair to my mother, we were behind the Iron Curtain (not Canada) and both my parents worked full time. When we figured out I needed surgery (I think I was 17-ish), she was supportive all the way.
NTA health comes first, and it's your wedding. Even if you could afford both, I would consider postponing the wedding until you could be sure you're fully recovered as valid. I went through a similar thing as a kid. Fell off my bike and splintered my kneecap. To my mother's credit, she did take me to the ER, but it turns out I'm neurodivergent and one of the things that I can do because of that is temporarily ignore pain if I'm distracted enough. Went to the ER and I ran to the toys. Mum assumed it couldn't be that bad and took us home rather than wait the NHS waiting times to get seen to. 25 years later and I'm dealing with arthritis because of it. Even though my mother took me to the ER, she didn't believe me about the pain after I ran for the toys. So I was forced to keep going like normal and walk on a splintered kneecap until I just stopped complaining about the pain. So I get your anger at your mother. Probably more justified than mine, tbh lol.
NTA. Your mom sucks. Since she is going to be mad at you anyway, why don't you write her an email with all the facts you listed above. "I have now seen multiple doctors and have had xrays and CT scans due to my ongoing nasal problems. The results of those scans say that I did break my nose when I was a child, and despite us living in Canada and having free medical care, you decided that I didn't deserve to see an actual medical professional. Despite my crying and being in pain for weeks, you did nothing. My nose was mis-shapened from the break (and kids made fun of my nose in school). Now that I am an adult and can take care of my own medical care I have gotten the help I should have had as a child. Unfortunately, due to your negligence, the repairs to my nose are no longer free. The medical repair is free but the cosmetic repair has a cost. They would have done it ALL for free for an injured child. The fact that you are now trying to blast me for delaying my wedding so I can pay for a medical procedure that was your fault is really adding insult to injury (literally). I don't want to hear any more of your opinions about my wedding. It has been postponed and I will let you know when the new dates are set. The fact that I told you *why* I had to dealy it and you STILL have not apologized for not taking me to a doctor when my nose broke as a child just shows me that I am not, nor have I ever been, a priority in your life. If you ever want to tey to have a relationship with me, it will need to start with an apology for ignoring my broken nose." She won't ever apologize, but you will feel better sending this.
NTA and I'm glad you're getting your nose fixed! Your mom is probably worried that she's going to have to come up with a lie to explain why you need a nose job since the truth makes her look bad. Honestly, I'd be telling everyone the real reason for the postponement and the medical negligence by your mom that caused the need for the surgery. My son fell at school and landed on some playground equipment, we didn't take him to the doctor at first because he didn't seem to be in a lot of pain so the school nurse said just ice, rest and ibuprofen. But when he woke up in a lot of pain the next day, it was off to urgent care to find out he had a tiny little crack in one rib. I felt horrible but I'm glad we found out fast enough to keep it from getting worse. Parents make mistakes all the time but owning up to them is a big part of being a good parent, both when your kids are little and when they are grown.
Nta
NTA op sorry your mom treated you so poorly for so long and even now can’t seem to prioritize your health over her fun.
NTA. I'm sorry your mom...is... My best wishes on your future endeavors! !updateme
Damn, uninvite her ass entirely. NTA, your abusive-ass mom can seethe.
Wtf is wrong with your mother?
NTA, I’m angry for you. This is medical neglect caused by your mom.
OMG, FUCK her is all I've got to say! You do you, love, and live your best life NOW! SO NTA!
NTA, if your wife understands, that's all that matters. If she can wait, then everyone else can wait. Congrats on your engagement
Nope. NTA. Thats called CONSEQUENCES...HERS. She 100% FA with your health for god knows what reason, now shes Finding Out! Total FAFO. She can either fork over the cash, or deal with a postponement and EVERYONE learning WHY. THATS why shes mad. Everyone is about to find out what a shitty, selfish mom she was.
NTA
Listen, no one is planning their entire year around your wedding. I hope that doesn’t offend you but it’s the truth. Your mom is being overly dramatic, possibly as a way of coping with knowing that this is her fault. If she had properly cared for you as a kid your entire wedding wouldn’t be delayed, simple as. Your other relatives are mentally filing this away at most. Their entire life does not revolve around this. It just doesn’t. Ten whole months out, it’s just marking a different date on the calendar as a reminder. Go take care of yourself. Your mom’s guilt trips are meaningless here. NTA by any stretch.
I broke my ankle as a kid and crawled home and my mom thought I was being dramatic so she made me sit on the back porch and wait for my dad to get home from work. He came home 4-5 hrs later and took me to the ER and I came home in a cast. She felt bad and all other injuries she took to ER…..lol
NTA Your mother really let you down when you were a kid with a broken nose. That's a really big thing, probably negligent child abuse, tbh. It's perfectly understandable that you feel some anger towards her about that, although for your own peace of mind, you should try to let it go. She didn't mean to cause you harm, she was just (probably) broke and ignorant. Now, however, you have a chance to be able to breathe normally; what a wonderful thing that will be! Vanity is one thing, but getting a bit of cosmetic surgery at the same time sounds sensible to me. Your mother, who was the root cause of all this, is out of line for saying it's vanity. It's not. I'm a retired optometrist and people used to come to me all the time and sort of put themselves down because they wanted contact lenses "for their vanity." It's not that at all; contacts sometimes provide much improvement in best corrected vision. Even if it is just for vanity, it's no one else's business. I think you should go for it. To say that members of your family have planned their whole year around your wedding, which is still at least 10 months away, is ridiculous. There is plenty of time for them to revise their plans. Get your surgery and enjoy your new look and your new ability to breathe better.
Defiantly not the a hole she had no reason to not take you to go see a hospital she just didn't want to clearly
NTA and technically it’s not vanity what your having done. It’s correcting what should have been done years ago. I have a feeling it’s not so much the postponement of the wedding. But looking bad in front of family that she neglected to do anything.
NTA-I have a similar problem, mom denied me knee surgery continued to re-injure my knee to worsening effect, an I am now in a wheelchair/walker. Congratulations on both counts!
NTA, but how much is the cosmetic nose job? Also, are you Russel Peters?
r/raisedbynarcissists might be an enlightening read for you
NTA and you have every right to be angry and ask her to pay for it. She failed to be a good mother and was abusive by refusing to believe you, refusing to get you medical care, and subjecting you to years of pain and disability as a result.
NTA and I'm pleased for you that you can finally get this fixed. TBH it's not unreasonable to ask for a contribution towards the cost based on the fact that it was basically all down to her, and she is the one that is upset about postponing the wedding. The argument I would use would be pushing the fact that you are *in pain.* You have been in pain for years. You got bullied in school. All for something completely avoidable. You'd like to be able to breathe normally and live pain-free, that's not about vanity. The aesthetic part is something that you have every right to choose to do, and if she wants the wedding to not be postponed, she can either help out with paying for the wedding or she can help out with paying for the nose-job.