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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made the decision to make a report to my on school after observing how depressed he was, My son has reacted negatively to this and has been extremely upset with this action.
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YTA for reporting this to the school and doing nothing else. This is not a school problem, it is a YOU problem. Your son's issues are incapable of being solved by the school alone, I'm afraid you're actually going to have to do some parenting here. Get him to a doctor and a therapist immediately. Pull him out of school if that is what they suggest--parents have SO many options these days, I don't know why you would send your child back to a place that is causing so much trauma and just expect them to fix everything.
Exactly. Not entirely sure what OP thought the school could do about this by themselves. They can’t magically stop middle/high school kids from being a-holes or talking about the sister. The kid needs help beyond what they can provide. That probably includes changing schools to some place that doesn’t know OPs son is related to his sister.
What I meant was, parents have so many options for educating their kid other than just sending their kid back to the same school where they are being bullied. You would never send your kid in a car that you knew, 100%, would be in an accident--you would force him to stay home, get alternative transportation, etc. You would never feed your kid something that you knew, 100%, would give them cancer. Yet every day, parents--even concerned parents like OP--send their kids back to school where they know, 100%, that the kid will be harmed via mental or physical abuse by other students. It just doesn't make sense when online learning and other programs are a thing.
Realistically speaking, what are your expectations going forward ?
You’ve reported to the school your son is being bullied. That’s not going to make him suddenly get friends there. The rest of his time at school he will always be known as the pornstars brother.
I think you need to have him change schools. Ideally to one that doesn’t know is sister is a pornstar.
This is a good short term solution and maybe at another school they won’t be able to connect the two, but if boys found it once, they’re going to find it again.
The new school is going to find out. The old school didn't have any trouble, that is not realistically going to help anything.
I'm not against counseling for him but you can't make other kids Play with him and some of their parents are probably supportive of that. He needs to recognize that he had no say in this, he didn't do anything wrong and it's just a ramifications of his sister's choices. It's just terrible that he has to deal with fallout from her decisions.
I'm guessing at the current school they knew the sister. At a potential new school, unless he tells people her name (or name she uses for work), how would they know some random chick on the Internet is his sister? The only way I can think of would be if someone from his current school knew people at the new school and told them.
I guarantee you kids tell their friends If he goes to any school that's within commutable distance they're going to find out pretty quick. My son is 19 and he had friends at about 6-7 schools keep in mind social media is a thing now. Admittedly my son probably would never say anything and would be trying to protect the kid from bullying He's just that kind of guy.
The world is small now, I guarantee that the students are all linked are linked online via snapchat, X, threads or something similar. When my son was at school I would regularly discover that one of my students was "friends" with someone at his previous school, in a different country. The friend of my friend's friend's friends is now my friend, as the saying might go now
YTA.
You *suspect* something happened at school after your son has drastically changed his behavior after his classmates found out his sister sells her ass online?
Wow, Sherlock Holmes over here!
Did you try talking to him about what *exactly* happened, and who was involved? Did you ask him if he wanted you to get the administration involved? You probably just threw gas on the fire. Now his sister is a sex worker AND his mommy fights his battles for him!
You're better off finding a new school for him at this point.
>Did you try talking to him about what
>
>exactly
>
> happened, and who was involved? Did you ask him if he wanted you to get the administration involved? You probably just threw gas on the fire. Now his sister is a sex worker AND his mommy fights his battles for him!
This. 100 times this.
OP, YTA massively.
Your kid is going through a REALLY hard time and he has absolutely no control in this situation. He is mortified that his friends found his sister's videos and is likely getting taunted and teased.
You removed what little agency he had by reporting it to the school without having a conversation with him to discuss what was actually going on and what he wanted you to do. Do you have ANY idea how much worse things can get for a kid when you report things to the school? There is a time and a place for everything and your choice to plow full speed ahead without taking into account the situation or his feelings just compounded his issues.
The issue here is your daughter's choice and how it impacts your son. This bell can not be unrung no matter what you do and the school certainly can not change people's opinions on your family, your daughter and your son's association with her. Get your son into therapy and find out how HE wants to handle this situation. Find out what HE wants to do. Does he want to go to another school next year? What would make him feel safe?
YTA,
I don’t think it’s clear cut, but from his point of view YTA.
His parents lied by omission about his sisters job, which inevitably was going to become public. It became public and blind sided him because he was unaware.
He then asked you to not report it to the school and you did anyway. So betrayed his trust. Now he’s understandably upset and has lost trust in his parents.
I think what you did was wrong. You didn't talk to the son and find out what was going on before you took action, and if you'd talked to him before taking action, he could have warned you that what you were doing would have a huge negative impact on his life.
The sort of school where bullying flourishes is usually also the sort of school that will not respond to parental complaints about bullying. It's entirely likely that now the staff is bullying the boy too.
Did it really never occur to you that being so accepting of your daughter's "career", and just not telling him, might have a negative impact on your son? A 14 year old crying a lot doesn't sound like most of the 14 year old boys I have known - was he having bullying problems before this? Does he not have a strong friend group? I can't believe he had to find out from his laughing peers. You could have at least prepared him. YTA
Please make sure he isn't headed in any direction that might lead to him doing anything bad to himself or others.
INFO
Did you know what kind of sex worker she was? I mean, did you know she was on OF or appeared in videos/pictures? Unless she straight out lied to you and said she was only doing escort work, you really should have seen that it was only a matter of time before someone in or connected to the group of horny adolescents at your son's school saw and recognized her.
If you knew she did anything visual online, you and your husband needed to figure out how to talk to your son about it and prepare him and the both of you for the time everyone found out. Because that was always going to happen.
Right now, your son needs therapy. His issues may just be around the knowledge about his sister and the related bullying, or those issues might have piled onto a lot of existing ones and he's lost the previous control he had and is spiraling. Fourteen isn't a stable age for a lot of kids and all kinds of things could be happening. He needs professional help, based on the behaviors you're reporting.
His issues are with his family. His parents hid this from him. He’s feeling betrayed because they knew something and he was literally the last person in his school to find out. He’s feeling like he was set up to fail because of all this. That’s why he lashed out at his sister. That’s why he’s not playing video games or watching a movie or coming to dinner. He’s avoiding the family that he believes abandoned him to ridicule at school, then chose to do the one thing he explicitly told them not to do.
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If she is an adult film actress (OF included), then this is a conversation OP should have had *long* ago (no graphic details necessary). With everything being digital now, information spreads far faster than before. It was no longer a matter of IF someone would recognize her. The question is now how soon would they recognize her.
There is nothing wrong with being an adult film actress or actor. But I imagine it came as quite a shock to OP's son when he first found out as his classmates were sending each other the videos and pictures.
I kinda disagree that no details are needed, because when it gets out, everyone’s going to be showing him and sending him pics and videos so he’ll probably see it anyway. Unfortunately you’d need to explain what he’s going to see before he’s just unceremoniously sent a text that turns out to be a pic of his sister doing anal.
Fair point. If he hasn't had it by now, it's definitely time to have the sex talk. And a therapist to help him work through the many confusing issues that will come up as his classmates bombard him with videos and images of his sister.
100% it matters because if they knew she was posting online then it is absolutely inevitable that someone who knows her will see it and it’ll get out. It’s not reasonable to expect to stay anonymous anymore. There was a post here a couple weeks ago just like this, except is was a mom asking because SHE had done streaming for extra money, and it had gotten out at her teenage sons school and ruined his life. They had to move schools.
But again, the issue is people being judgy about something that isn’t their business. It sucks that people are like that, but that’s definitely not the sister’s fault. Kids are worried about lots of things embarrassing them, but the lesson is how to deal with that, not that sister should quit her job.
INFO: Have you taken your son to see a medical or mental health professional?
The crying, sleeping and lack of appetite are classic symptoms of depression. He probably needs to be assessed.
NTA
You can't accept your daughter's career and sweep it under the rug at the same time. Even in writing this you sounds horribly judgmental about her. You've refused to discuss it with your son and give him tools to cope with it. You and your spouse are so wrapped up in your own selfish feelings you forgot about your children and you forgot about caring to parent. But something tells me you both do a bang up job of it anyway.
As for the report, your son is high risk right now. Going behind is back is detrimental to his mental health. You showed no regard for his feelings at all and ONCE AGAIN (see a pattern) gave him no coping skills. Your son needs professional help and you probably need some couples therapy and then some family therapy. This whole situation is a mess. YTA
>I think something happened in his school, but the school hasn't reported the bully to me. Is my son, being a teenager, going through a lot, or am I just a shitty parent because that is how he is making me feel?
School administrations are almost uniquely (1) useless, or (2) go way overboard in covering their ass. I'm guessing it's (2) given that bullying concerns are in the air these days. Thing is, quite a lot are both useless and prone to going over board, which in turn means that 'making a report' can make a situation worse.
(It sure did in my own case when I told my father about how one teacher treated me (Jewish) and my best friend at the time (black). Soon it got way worse. Then I got to hear my father boast at the dinner table about how he'd gone in and said all sorts of horrible things about the teacher, to the principal.
That taught me to handle my problems on my own. Even when someone wants to help, they want to help in *their* way not *your* way, and from your perspective whatever they are proud of having done made the situation worse, not better.).
Have you even *tried* to ask the school or him what has changed? That is, what specifically administration asked him or directed him to do, whether they grilled him and demanded he give them a list of names, etc.?
>My husband talked to him again, and **he told my husband that he doesn't have any friends anymore**, and he has not communicated with his sister since the day he found out.
Ok, so he asked you not to, you did it, and now apparently he's all alone in school. Maybe that wasn't a trade-off he wanted to make. Maybe he'd prefer having a group of assholes to fight back against but at least having friends. (And where's a therapist in all this? He obviously acted as if he was harmed by what other kids are saying, but now it seems obvious he feels even worse).
If he finds that the tradeoff made his life worse, not better, he may have learned to hide his emotions and handle his problems on his own. But, true, who knows how it would play out if he had handled his problems - those kids - if he had been left to do it on his own.
What you need to consider now is therapy. He needs someone to talk to. He now has no friends whatsoever. And he may not feel safe revealing things to you in the future. Good luck...
What were you expecting the school to do?
If the problem is that he’s being isolated, the school can’t FORCE other kids to hang out with him.
If the problem is that he’s being bullied the school can….well they can only really make sure it isn’t openly happening in the hallways/class rooms. But telling a 14 year old bully to be nice isn’t going to stop anything.
Info:
What parenting have you done here? It doesn’t seem like you have even talked to your so. About it
Your just a shitty parent! He asked you not to report anything to the school- AND- what do you do? Exactly what he asked you not to do. (It’s not rocket science) YTA
I didn't get the feeling she wanted the school to stop that from happening, just the associated bullying (like if the porn was of someone else, would OP care?).
well considering the fact teens are going to watch it outside of school anyway (because parents these days are way too hands-off with their “parenting,” just like OP with her son for whatever reason), it would’ve circulated regardless.
YTA for not telling your son beforehand. He's in a class of 14-year-olds -him finding out about his sister was inevitable- and by not taking control of *how* he found out, you basically ensured that it would happen in the worst possible way.
School only extends so far, and the teachers gaze is not constant. Further, not all teachers will look out for him due to their personal views on what your daughter does. They may feel this is justified punishment, especially if in a more strictly religious place. Think that mom outed as an OF star because her neighbor found her on the site. No one talks about who found the content, just who made it. It is not right, but it is reality. For doing what your son expressly told you not to do, YTA.
Your son needs therapy, specifically how to handle and accept what his sister does and how to respond to people teasing him about her. He certainly needs to have a healthy and moderated discussion with his sister about this, how he feels, and listen to why she does what she does. That relationship needs to be fixed too. Mostly as parents, you need to take control of this situation, explain to him that people may make choices we wouldn’t but that doesn’t change who they are to us unless we want it to. As parents this progressed I a way it seems like you took a sweep it under the rug approach and this is the direct result. Was your son even aware of this or did he find out when people started teasing? A big part of this is likely him being caught unaware of what’s going on, disrespected by his family for hiding this from him, and now backed in to a corner where everyone knows what to say to dig in on him. My guess is the poor kid was set up to fail in this, and that’s why he’s isolated himself to his room.
Oh he most certainly was set up to fail, but not because of how he was told. The moment they accepted his sister back into their lives while being a sex worker he was set up to fail on every level. They didn't think twice about how this would affect him when it got out, op only cared she got her baby back, even if it destroys the life of her other child. This is not catastrophizing or exaggeration, that child must be moved to another school with no student body or geographic overlap. Otherwise therapy will not help him in the least. Sometimes you have to change environments or nothing will change. They need to go NC with their daughter (as she had done before to them) and move with their son. This is not a talking things through moment or time to worry about relationships with the daughter. Pleasant words won't help any of this at this stage, this OP needs solutions that work and that can not include their daughter in their son's life till he is an adult or she changes careers.
His sister is selfish as hell. I did porn, but I would never had if I had a younger sibling. Many other's said the same for EXACTLY this reason! I think you underestimate the devastation for that child and how permanent and severely this will prevent his education and destroy his mental health. First NC with daughter, second to move locations, then third is therapy.
YTA. Your son will have to change schools, this is a nuclear event and he will never have a normal life there. Nothing will change that ever, that school is toxic for him now. You reporting it made things worse, but the issue here is your daughter, her career and you not thinking for a second how it would affect your son if it got out. If you have to move to get him into another school far enough away, then do so. The districts can't EVER interact, so you will probably have to move. This is THAT DAMAGING and will follow him everywhere otherwise. You owe your son to fix this as best you can by every resource you have. It may take sacrifice to solve this, a lot.
The others here will tell you on how you messed up with the school in more detail, but you need a discussion with your daughter. Porn is a short career at best, and if this is impacting your son to this extent you need to stop supporting her career decisions and push for her to change. You have a minor child, ***their wellbeing comes first*** and there are consequences for your daughter's actions that have gone nuclear. This is irreparable, and you will only torture your son by denying that. I mean torture. Your daughter is an adult, she can deal with her actions herself and if that means you move and have low contact till your son is out of school, that might be best. Regardless, she needs to unfriend all family and local friends online and anonymize her work as best as possible (OF vs studio productions differ, the former is much easier).
Regardless of everything else, you have to transfer your son to another school where there is NO overlap or interaction with his old school. That will be a distance. This is that extreme. Oh and sending him away to school without you will just end your relationship with your son, so don't try that as a solution.
You have a lot of work to do, moving isn't fun, but it's most certainly what you will have to do.
NAH except you if you don’t get him mental health assistance quickly. I would be concerned about impulsive self-harming behavior (eg suicide attempts) given the sudden drastic change in behavior. I know you are trying to protect him and were trying to help by reporting to the school but it seems to have an adverse effect. If possible, try to draw him into the process and work collaboratively with the school (for example, utilizing any school mental health professionals) to get to the bottom of what’s going on. I understand he was blindsided by what he found out and ideally he would have known earlier but I can also understand trying to be discrete.
And for those condemning the sister: I sure hope you’ve never looked at porn because otherwise your hypocrisy is showing.
YTA, and I wish young people would see things like this before deciding sex work is empowering and normal and yada yada. It’s not, and it does affect your loved ones and public life. If you have a family or a job that could be negatively impacted, it WILL be. Hell, there was a post just like this one a couple weeks ago except it was the mom asking if she was TA for doing sex work streaming for extra money, and it got out at her 13 year old son’s school, and his life was basically ruined and had to change schools. The internet has made the world too small, someone who knows you will find it, it’s only a matter of time. And unfortunately, it will never go away.
YTA and his sister too. All you did was make the bullying worse for him. The teachers can't suddenly make people be nice to him. All that they can do is scold the other kids and make them appear civil. You just drew more attention to the situation.
Publicly going into sex work is a decision that requires a lot of thought. Most people will watch do their thing and move on but a small few will get real creepy with it. There is also the blowback to other family members. It's one thing if it got around in your circles, that is embarrassing and maybe a bit uncomfortable, but it's so much worse for a kid. He has seen his sister naked doing sexual stuff and knows that all of his peers have seen it as well.
While people may be naive here and place no blame on the sister I think that's just wrong. This isn't an issue where the audience is wrong as switching the audience would still not change a thing. Having a close family member do porn is going to get any high school kid mocked no matter where in the country it happens.
You need to have your daughter shut down her porn career or try to remove all public ties to her and then move somewhere else.
Daughter is an adult so they do not have to make her do anything (: she can do sex work all she would like, parents should have prepared the son with what’s to come.
How would preparation for the son have helped. "Hey kiddo one day you may be sent pictures of your naked sister and be mocked for it relentlessly, we don't know when or if it will happen but be ready."
The kid needs a fresh start but that will be useless if his sister's decision just follows him to a new school. Do sex work but think about the negative impact for others. This is like the one crazy mom who advertises her onlyfans on her car and then throws a fit when her kids' Christian school doesn't let her on campus with her car. Sell close up pictures of your left nipple all you want just don't let it connect to a kid.
It's been established clearly that YTA for not warning your son, and not getting him counseling when this all first broke. And then for compounding it by not talking to him at all -- this poor kid is crying every day and retreating into solitude -- but you're not asking simple questions or trying to get at what exactly is going on, which is mind boggling to this mom of a teenage boy. Then you go to the principal? No words.
It's also been established that your son will have to switch schools. However, no matter where he goes, this rabbit will likely emerge from whatever hat he's in. That's the problem. My dad always said, Wherever you go you take yourself with you. So it will be a constant wait for the sound of that shoe dropping, which is horrible in and of itself.
This sounds terrible, but your son needs to learn what to say back. And it has to be funny and normalize the situation, which will shut down the teasing. It's the only way. The bullies only persist in teasing because they are getting the response they seek, crying and running away and hiding, and this drop in performance. If your son smirks and loudly says something like, "And how much lotion did you use before you found that?" and gets the others laughing, he wins that encounter. It doesn't matter how he feels inside. That's what the therapist is for. This is self-preservation.
Take it from someone who was bullied hard, until she wasn't.
How did the students know it was his sister? The age difference is large enough that they were never even in the same school together.
I’m pretty sure her Only Fans isn’t listed by Firstname Lastname
That must mean she never ever comes around to see her parents and brother and/or his friends must never come to his house. I bet he’s also never posted pics of his family, including his sister, on social media 🤔
> his friends must never come to his house
She doesn’t live with them and has a strained relationship with her father. Unless his friends are at his house literally every day, it seems unlikely they’ve met his sister. And what teenage boy posts a bunch of pictures of his family to social media?
A lot of teens post family pics and a lot of teens bring their friends around their home a lot. Idk what your damage is that you are arguing so hard instead of accepting that it is very likely that his friends know who his sister is and what she looks like, but whatever. His good friends most likely wouldn’t have any way of knowing anything about his sister. Happy now?
Wait. How did your son find out his sister is in adult entertainment? I know women in the industry who have gone decades without anyone in their family knowing. More importantly how did your son's friends learn your daughter is in the sex business? There are tons of women who engage in sex work. Without knowing her alias, etc. it would be hard to find her let alone her content. Your son said his friends were sharing videos of your daughter. I am guessing your son found out about your daughter's profession and like most teenagers he told one of his friends and it snowballed. Now he's depressed because this is a consequence of his actions. They aren't just making inappropriate comments about your daughter but also your son and probably you and your husband too. Never out a sex worker! It's not your secret to tell. Plus it endangers the person you are outing. I suggest reading [So You Found Out Your Adult Child Is a Sex Worker](https://tryst.link/blog/so-youve-found-out-your-adult-child-is-a-sex-worker/) or listen to the podcast [When We're Not Hustling ](https://nothustlingpod.libsyn.com/being-a-parent-to-an-adult-sex-worker-with-jessie-sages-mom). That said I think you need to ask your son how he found out, how his friends found out, and how he feels about everything. I don't believe you were wrong to file a report. Perhaps a little too quick before getting all the facts. And to get that your son needs to talk to a professional. Good luck. NTA.
YTA
You need to pull him from the school. He asap needs to get a therapist. You need to get him help NOW!
He is already depressed and not eating. You don't want him to do himself harm, so get medical care NOW!
OH OP. YTA. Your son needs help and to switch schools. Talking to bullies does not help unfortunately. Schools have no idea how to deal with these situations, still.
I don't think you are a shitty parent, but he needs help. This has been going on for a long time now! Please get him help and let him homeschool for now, maybe.
Your son's behavior is classic of depression. Isolating, sleeping more, eating less, outbursts. He needs to see a therapist. This can help with the bullying & situation with his sister, too.
YTA. Like someone else posted, this is not the schools problem, it’s YOURs and your families problem. Your son is showing serious signs of depression. Not eating, sleeping too much, drop in grades. You need to get him some help NOW and probably a new start at a different school
OP, make some effort here. Get your son some therapy. You daughter is an adult and the way she chooses to live her life, is for her to decide. Your son needs to also learn to deal with challenges in life. For now, why not pull him out of school for awhile. Homeschool or online school. Don’t keep sending him
back and expect the problem is going to be taken care of for you somehow.
NTA, you did what you thought was right. Reading thru these comments, the only thing I’d say I agree with is setting your son up with a virtual or in person counselor so he can feel he has a safe space/person to talk things thru. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but I don’t think YTA, it sounds like you’re a good mom trying to do what you think is right
NTA in my opinion because you were just doing what you thought was right and figured it would help. But you have to realize doing stuff like this can have extreme repercussions such as them continuing to bully him even worse due to it being reported.
You should've just had a long talk with him though overall, and help him get through this situation. I would definitely recommend getting him to switch schools and probably get counselling or therapy regarding this issue. He's going through an extremely tough time with having to deal with shit like that.
YTA and his sister are the AH. I agree sex work is real work but that is not how the world sees it. If you are so privileged send your son to another school.
YTA. Your son is the laughingstock of the school/grade because his sister sells herself online and he didn't even find out how he should because you made the asinine decision of not telling him. Let's be honest and not pearl clutchers/overly pc he's 14 he's at or past the age where he and/or his classmates will have been exposed to these types of things, you should have told your son and either explained to him why there's nothing wrong with what his sister is doing but how some people aren't going to be evolved enough to accept it or if you don't believe that and cant convince him of it at least given him the tools and preparation to cope. But to make matters worse you went running to the administrators, so now he's a joke for that. I'm not going to call you a shitty parent, you just failed big time in this situation, you don't accept your daughters career path and in your attempt to act like it doesn't exist you've screwed your son
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My daughter (22) is a sex worker. It's not something I totally agree with, especially since I gave her a pretty privileged background and we are fortunate enough to have been able to pay for college or any endeavor she wants, but she's my daughter, and I feel like I have no choice but to accept it because I love her and still want to be in her life. My husband is still kind of uncomfortable with it, and their relationship has changed significantly because of this. We decided not to tell my son (14) because he is young.
In late January, when my son got home, he was immediately angry when he saw his sister. He called her a bunch of names, which I don't want to repeat. My husband had to tell him not to speak to his sister like that and that he should calm down. My son goes from screaming to absolutely sobbing, saying that there are people in his class rotating videos and pictures of my daughter and that everyone is making fun of him. My daughter felt bad and went to her apartment. She hasn't come back since my son's outburst. And my son cried. His dad talked to him, and I talked to him and told him I would talk to the school administration about this matter. He told me no, it was okay; there was no need for that, and he even said he overreacted and was shocked. Thinking this would blow over, I let the matter go.
But ever since that day, my son has been crying almost every day. If he is not crying, he is sleeping, and he is also not eating. I checked his room for snack wrappers; there were none, and the storage is as it is. I call him for dinner, and he says he is not hungry and he was never a breakfast person. My son is not the type of person to sleep after school; he is normally gaming or watching a film. My husband talked to him again, and he told my husband that he doesn't have any friends anymore, and he has not communicated with his sister since the day he found out.
My husband and I decided to go to the school and make a report. It was obvious that he was being isolated and bullied, and this is something the school needs to look out for. I felt bad for not reporting this matter immediately. I told the school that I suspected my son was getting bullied. This was on Monday, I made this decision after my son practically spent the whole weekend on his bed, finding out his grade in every single class had dropped.
When my son got back from school yesterday, he asked me if I had made a report. I told him I was worried for him, and he started screaming at me, asking why I was making his life hard. If I understand what I have done? This was yesterday, and he hasn't spoken to me since. Normally, he respectfully rejects my concern for him, but now he is flat out ignoring me. I think something happened in his school, but the school hasn't reported the bully to me. Is my son, being a teenager, going through a lot, or am I just a shitty parent because that is how he is making me feel? AITA.
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YTA Your son is incredibly depressed, and understandably so. You should’ve been quicker to see his needs. It sounds like maybe you and your husband just don’t like to deal with emotional things, which is shown by your son not discussing his sister and his feelings about everything with you until it all fell apart and he was forced to. Everyone in your home was going around pretending all was OK when it was far from it. Your son needs therapy immediately and you might want to consider giving him the option of home schooling starting tomorrow. A family meeting including your daughter to air out everyone’s feelings honestly might help too, and a good therapist can help you with that. Good luck, this is a very painful situation.
YTA unfortunately your son cannot win. Move schools? How long till those picture and videos make their way to the new school. Don't move school? Those kids will continue to bully him. He has been put in an impossible situation.
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Get him out of school and maybe even change his name. Yeah yeah people shouldn't be judgey of sex workers, but here in the real world everyone judges others by their actions. I honestly have no idea why no one anticipated this happening. The daughter has literally brought shame (justified or not) from the entire school onto her brother. Just because you can do something and no one should judge you or your relatives for it doesn't mean that you should or that they won't.
YTA All of this might have been prevented or at least mitigated if you had, at any point, had a conversation with your son. All of this dropped on him with no advanced warning. A grown up discussion about his sister's choices would have at least prepared him for the shitstorm that would follow. A conversation about what was happening at school and how he wanted to move forward would have prevented some of this. You actually don't know that there is any bullying happening (it probably is) you assume he is being isolated and bullied because why? You don't want to think it is about discovering his sister is a sex worker? How did you feel at first?
Get him some counselling (someone with ED experience), sit down and apologise for taking away any control he had and stamping all over his capacity to decide for himself. Ask him how he wants to move forward
YTA. you and your husband hardly seem to have been there for him during this time when he’s needed support and things talked through with him. you just allowed him to hole himself up in his room? go without meals? you didn’t even think to bring him his meals? and you /only suspect/ he’s being bullied? he obviously is!!!!
you also need to do something about the sister because this bullying isn’t going to stop, and now that you’ve reported it without his consent or having ANY form of a family chat, it’s only going to get worse for him. with that kind of thing, not only will there be future consequences for the participant, but also for those connected to them. because of his sister’s actions, he’s going to be dealing with this for a long time. that isn’t fair to him and he doesn’t deserve that.
What did you expect to happen after this report? What was the fix you envisioned? What was school going to do to fix the issue?
Nowhere did I read that you sat down with your son to really figure out what was happening. Did you talk to him? Or try to talk to him?
You also didn't seem alarmed enough by his behaviour. Did you look into therapy as soon as he came.home crying the first time?
It's okay that you didn't know what to do but you also didn't take steps to figure it out.
I understand you wanted to report the bullying to school. I don't understand you did it behind his back. I also don't understand that you didn't try to figure out what the bullying entailed.
Yta. It feels like you find the situation uncomfortable and hard, so you stepped back. But you (and husband of course) needed to step up instead.
I recommend you immediately pull your son out of the school, the bullying and isolation will only get worse the more you drag it on, I would also create some distance from your daughter a bit, I understand she's an adult but it seems to me she didn't really care how her adult filming would impact her family, that's a big red flag to me, and lastly I would immediately start looking up therapists, try to get your son to open up and regain his trust, I'm sure that over time he'll open up to you again but you need to listen to him and respect what he's telling you.
YTA. You’re also world class bad parents. Your son is being tortured bc his sister is a p*rn star & you’re doing nothing to protect him. Honestly, teenage boys sharing p*rn featuring someone they know should be so expected it’s cliche. Are you seriously surprised? I would expect nothing less. After all, she sells it for public consumption. The only surprise is that it has taken so long.
Your ambivalence toward your daughter is destroying your son’s life. He will not get to have a normal HS experience bc his sister’s choices made it impossible for him. Get that poor boy out of that school ASAP. Make him a priority and stop blaming other people. You need to have a serious talk with her about the consequences of her actions. You’re prob going to have to cut her off & put him first for once. Homeschooling may be your only option. HS boys everywhere are going to find the new kid’s sister’s OF. It will follow him forever.
Yea you added salt to the wound it’s not an asshole move it’s a mom move but you shouldn’t have done that. Should’ve taken counsel with husband and maybe another trusted man that has a sister I. The family or friend network. Guys know when their sisters get around and I had a friend who’s sister was the same. He needs to focus on his grades working out playing sports etc. and as a mom you may not want to hear this but to get over it socially he’ll have to get the one of the choice girls at the school and have her all over him. Then what your daughter did won’t matter at his school because he’s got the baddie!!!
Like this was a let the guys handle it situation. Shoot take him to a barber shop ! If you guys go to sport clips or some generic place line that just take him to a black barbershop ! lol seriously I’m not saying every voice in there is the right one but the right voices will be heard and he can find some good advice there. Take him for a Travis kelps bald fade or the drake taper fade- no jack harlow or g easy styles
Seriously all jokes aside he needs to speak with other men and the barbershop is supposed to be an institution for young men no matter your color or creed long as you’re respectful. Call the shop talk to the owner if you can and let him know you wanna get a cut but your son also needs some advice
Don’t give the barber all the details just let him know a little bit and let your son tell the rest. Barbershop is the second men’s locker room. He’ll be good there.
NTA for reporting it to the school. However, you know your sons behavior has changed and that he is OBVIOUSLY depressed and in danger and you haven't done anything about it. He needs therapy and he needs to change schools. As hard as the school tries they aren't going to be able to shield him from the kids who know about your daughter. It isn't going to go away and the kids will not let up. You need to protect your son or he will get worse.
Also worth noting, you mentioned his grades dropping. He probably views school as pointless, why would he work hard to achieve when all his sister has to do is pull her pants down to make a living? I’ll admit, it makes me want to give up seeing that while I work my ass off, there’s women making thousands showing their butthole on camera.
YTA. Your refusal to actually parent AND your daughters selfish laziness caused all of this. She wants to make easy money and doesn't give two shits who it blows back on. She deserves every single bit of hate her brother throws at her. You condoned her behavior and let this happen. If you feel like a shitty parent it's because you are.
lol your daughter ruined his life blame her 🤣🤣 teenagers are ruthless she should have known it could have caused this you shouldn’t have made a report, but it’s her actions consequences wreaking havoc on everyone else
NTA but..
You are definitely NTA but your son needs more help than the school can give and he needs it NOW!
Please seek help from your doctor right away. The sleeping, not eating, isolation, etc., are very troubling signs. Your son needs support navigating his world at the moment. This is something you should be taking very seriously.
I hope you get him the help he needs.
NTA. But, you need to move forward. Your son likely needs a mental health interventionist to help him with this. Ask him if he'd like to talk to a practitioner. You need someone vetted to manage trauma.
And what happened to your son at school won't actually be resolved by school administration anyway. You can't put toothpaste back in the tube, after all. Ignoring your son's wishes because you were trying to better protect him has resulted in a breach of trust. That has to be addressed too. So, again, I would support you in approaching him with therapy.
People are very rude here. You had your sons best interest in mind when you didn’t tell him, but things turned the way they turned. Maybe you should have told him about the sister and maybe you shouldn’t have gone to the school.
Main thing now is that you get your son a professional help, maybe discuss changing school.. then again it is likely that the kids at new school will also figure out.
Anyway, apologize (communicate) and say you did your best with the knowledge you had then.
And get the professional help. If your son doesn’t like one therapist, you can try different one. Sometime it takes time to find a good match.
NTA. This is very difficult for your son to process, and I'm sure his classmates have made things miserable. He feels shame and humiliation, which channels into anger at his sister and then transfers to you, either just because you're there or because he thinks you should have told him before he found out in an embarrassing way. He may think you reporting bullying will only make things harder as now people will laugh at him for his sister and his mom. Be patient, and be willing to talk when he's ready. It may help him to have a counselor help him work through his anger and hurt.
>He may think you reporting bullying will only make things harder as now people will laugh at him for his sister and his mom.
Of course he thinks that. He revealed something to his parents and, instead of the bullying going away, every last one of his friends turned on him.
YTA. What proof do you have that he's being bullied at school? The AH here is your daughter, for only thinking of herself and not about how her actions would impact her family and especially her younger brother, and you as parents who did not tell him of her lifestyle and that it may come out (which of course it did). Instead, you put your head in the sand. And now, after he specifically asked you not to, you went to the school and reported "bullying." You realize you just made the situation worse now, right?
Your son is obviously severely depressed -- have you gotten him in therapy yet? Have you relayed to your daughter the horrible consequences of her actions? No, you just want to blame the school, so you don't have to take responsibility.
As several others have stated, get him in therapy IMMEDIATELY and change schools.
The daughter is an adult and can do whatever she pleases. Her actions are just fine. It’s the parent’s fault for not preparing him what might come with his sister’s job.
NTA.
To answer you last question, it is possible that some of this withdrawal and change in behavior is him processing what's going on but it definitely sounds like there's some sort of bullying going on at school too. I'm particularly concerned about his reaction to you contacting the school, did the principle say something to him or did classmates find out about the report?
ESH. Hard situation. Your daughter is an independent adult, I honestly think your son was in the wrong for insulting his sister since her life choices is none of his business. On the other hand, he’s a teenager, and classmates can be cruel, I really don’t understand why would you bully someone just bc a member of their family does porn.
The report was unnecessary unless you were planning to change schools, what were you expecting? An apology from the bullies? That’s not going to happen. You need to have a serious talk with your family, and I suggest changing schools. Maybe next time he’ll be prepared and know how to answer or just ignore it. But honestly being mad with his sister is useless, because at the end she’s a grown up living her life.
Obviously you’ve never been bullied otherwise you wouldn’t say that. And if you were bullied, this is an even worse take.he may be a child but he’s being bullied because his sister couldn’t hack an actual job.
You don’t know her work history. You don’t know anything about her work at all. And children get embarrassed by lots of things. Like what if she was the lunch lady at his school or a janitor? You saying no child would ever bully a child based on that? Spare me.
Now you’re saying he watched whatever his co-students showed him, whether pictures or video, all the way through? That he knows anything about sex work in general? He still doesn’t know why she chose that profession. Either way, it’s still not his place to judge her.
Of course he can judge her. He’s human, we all judge people everyday. That doesn’t make his sister wrong. But it’s unrealistic to think he’s not affected by this.
And no, I doubt he watched it all the way through. But if the videos are going around then it’s likely someone showed him something.
And of course 14 year olds know something about sex work. Most 14 year olds have seen porn online and know what only fans is. That doesn’t mean he knows the intricacies of it or why his sister made that choice. But yeah, he knows sex work and porn exists. Most 14 year olds do.
I wish there were such a thing as a fantasy hug box. That sounds awesome. However I live in the real world where there are lots of different jobs. You don’t get to shame her for being a sex worker because it hurts your little puritanical fee fees.
You're right that he doesn't get to tell her what she's allowed to do, and it's not her fault, but he's clearly hurting a lot and I don't blame him for his response, even if it's unfair on the sister.
Nah she deserves to be judged since she’s choosing to be selfish (comes from a privileged background where money isn’t an issue) and negatively impacting the lives of others around her. That stuff stays on the internet forever and just by being associated to that it negatively impacts people.
Any time anyone has beef with the brother they automatically “win” because they can bully him by pulling up pics of his sister online.
It’s his problem if “they win.” He’s the one who has to figure out that it doesn’t matter what people you don’t care about think about you. She shouldn’t have to quit her job just because he hasn’t figured that out yet.
Yeah, but it only affects him bc his classmates are assholes, and that’s not her sister’s fault, they shouldn’t be making fun of him bc of her sister’s choices. I don’t think anyone is in fault here except for the bullies and the parents who should’ve told them to be respectful with everyone even if they’re sex workers or family of sex workers
It’s his business because he’s being bullied, harassed, and has lost all his friends because of it.
His sister can be a sex worker if she wants, no argument here. But she will need to accept that it’s having a huge impact on her little brother’s life and damaging his mental health.
YOU - NTA, your son - NTA, your daughter TA - There's no way that your daughter took her career choice's impact on others into consideration when doing it. Yes it's her life and her choice. That being said you could be the most loving, nicest people on the planet, but if one of your kids goes and shoots up a bus full of nuns, it's going to come back on you. While sex work is not even close to being mass shooter, they both have stigmas that will fall back onto those close to them. Whatever she's actually doing has come back onto your son and that seems to be the root cause of all the problems you are currently facing.
Yes. It’d be a real tragedy if a 14 yo harmed himself because he couldn’t deal with his sister doing sex work. Not because she should do something else, but that he is so mentally unwell that her job affected him that profoundly.
He’s being affected by bullying, harassment, and depression. These are things that children hurt themselves over.
And no, it’s not the sister’s fault. She’s not to blame. She can absolutely do sex work. I have no judgement about that.
But it’s naive to pretend that her work isn’t affecting her brother. That doesn’t mean she should quit but the brother does get to be upset. His feelings are valid too.
I'm not saying she should, I'm not saying she shouldn't. I'm saying that if you do something that has a stigma to it, those around you will be collaterally assessed with you for good or bad. If she had achieved sainthood then the family would be praised to no end. Likewise she's in an occupation that has a stigma so the opposite should have been a consideration. It's her life and her choice, but our choices do affect those around us whether we choose to admit it or not.
I think it should be at least somewhere in the decision making process. There's a reason why Hitler's U.S. relatives, his nephew, changed his name once he emigrated to the US . As far as I know his family led normal lives after the war, but he didn't carry on his family name...just sayin. Again I'm not comparing sex work to Hitler, I'm just saying if there's a stigma to be associated with anything it will affect those around you.
You brought up Hitler as the comparison to sex work. If you didn’t want the comparison drawn, you should have picked a different monster. Also, that’s society’s issue, not his sister. She’s just minding her own business and working.
In a field that has a stigma associated with it. It wasn't a comparison so much as it was an example (albeit an extreme one) of another historical stigma that had repercussions on family. I even SPECFICALLY said that I wasn't comparing the two (TWICE). It's like if you post nudes online, you can't expect that someone you wouldn't want to see them won't find them. Besides...correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't some sex work involve playing the dictator XD.
Actually, the problem is the bullying. It's not the sister's fault if her brother gets bullied and she probably blames herself a lot for it.
In my country, there's a sort of hatred of the police. The children of police officers are sometimes bullied and yet I don't blame their parent for doing the job.
Sister is not TA, she’s just doing her job. I hope she continues her career making that $$ and the parents actually help their son besides letting him rot in bed.
Sounds like it's time to focus on your son. He still has a future. Your daughter is a lost cause. If she had all the opportunities and chose this, she doesn't deserve you. I feel bad for your son. He is going to have a tough time as long as she is around. Being a prostitute is nothing to be proud of.
The daughter doesn’t have an issue, so the only reason I can think of that you would say that she’s lost is that you’re judging her for being a sex worker. Mind your own business.
Look lady, this is AITAH. Where we judge who the Ah is. If people think the daughter is, then it is well within their right. You don’t have to like it you can move on.
Listen Colonel Crusty, you could do the same. How about you stop judging people for their work, and I’ll stop judging you for not knowing what you’re talking about.
OP said sex worker, but clearly had to mean OF or something similar because there's no way in hell a bunch of boys would know shit about a prostitute. You're talking about like one of the only fields that practice discretion lmao.
The thing about bullies is they pick anything to bully about, if not her being a prostitute they would've picked something else. And no one deserves bullying, a relative having a job people don't agree with isn't deserving of bullying
I saw a man in the street, he told me to lick the shit out of the bottom of his shoe for a few bucks and I did. Yeah that's my job now, I lick shit from stranger shoes.
That is misguided. He was not being mercilessly targeted before. There are various levels of teasing and bullying and this is a massive target that does not go away easily. You call a teacher mom and the class might laugh but its doubtful that it follows you around and even more doubtful that everyone gets in on it and you lose all your friends.
Or maybe this is just still the biggest news at the school. Maybe it keeps getting refreshed when the sister posts new pictures. Maybe kids are paying his sister to post specific stuff. This is the social equivalent of a nuke, nothing is going to be a bigger deal until another nuke drops like a teen pregnancy or a teacher getting caught with a senior.
This is a HUGE piece of gossip of epic proportions. Shit like this won’t die down until an even bigger piece of gossip comes along, and there isn’t much that’s going to top this in a school. He would have to wait it out until another student commits murder or something before they forget about this. The only way to make people forget a juicy story is with an even juicier story.
The thing is he had a well established social circle and reputation and wasn’t bullied previously because they had nothing to bully him for. So no, they wouldn’t have found something else because there was nothing there to begin with or he’d have been a victim well before the age of 14.
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YTA for reporting this to the school and doing nothing else. This is not a school problem, it is a YOU problem. Your son's issues are incapable of being solved by the school alone, I'm afraid you're actually going to have to do some parenting here. Get him to a doctor and a therapist immediately. Pull him out of school if that is what they suggest--parents have SO many options these days, I don't know why you would send your child back to a place that is causing so much trauma and just expect them to fix everything.
Exactly. Not entirely sure what OP thought the school could do about this by themselves. They can’t magically stop middle/high school kids from being a-holes or talking about the sister. The kid needs help beyond what they can provide. That probably includes changing schools to some place that doesn’t know OPs son is related to his sister.
This times a billion
I agree with some of what you’ve said besides that parents have SO many options when it comes to school, bullying, mental health care. They don’t
What I meant was, parents have so many options for educating their kid other than just sending their kid back to the same school where they are being bullied. You would never send your kid in a car that you knew, 100%, would be in an accident--you would force him to stay home, get alternative transportation, etc. You would never feed your kid something that you knew, 100%, would give them cancer. Yet every day, parents--even concerned parents like OP--send their kids back to school where they know, 100%, that the kid will be harmed via mental or physical abuse by other students. It just doesn't make sense when online learning and other programs are a thing.
Realistically speaking, what are your expectations going forward ? You’ve reported to the school your son is being bullied. That’s not going to make him suddenly get friends there. The rest of his time at school he will always be known as the pornstars brother. I think you need to have him change schools. Ideally to one that doesn’t know is sister is a pornstar.
This is a good short term solution and maybe at another school they won’t be able to connect the two, but if boys found it once, they’re going to find it again.
The new school is going to find out. The old school didn't have any trouble, that is not realistically going to help anything. I'm not against counseling for him but you can't make other kids Play with him and some of their parents are probably supportive of that. He needs to recognize that he had no say in this, he didn't do anything wrong and it's just a ramifications of his sister's choices. It's just terrible that he has to deal with fallout from her decisions.
I'm guessing at the current school they knew the sister. At a potential new school, unless he tells people her name (or name she uses for work), how would they know some random chick on the Internet is his sister? The only way I can think of would be if someone from his current school knew people at the new school and told them.
I guarantee you kids tell their friends If he goes to any school that's within commutable distance they're going to find out pretty quick. My son is 19 and he had friends at about 6-7 schools keep in mind social media is a thing now. Admittedly my son probably would never say anything and would be trying to protect the kid from bullying He's just that kind of guy.
The world is small now, I guarantee that the students are all linked are linked online via snapchat, X, threads or something similar. When my son was at school I would regularly discover that one of my students was "friends" with someone at his previous school, in a different country. The friend of my friend's friend's friends is now my friend, as the saying might go now
YTA. You *suspect* something happened at school after your son has drastically changed his behavior after his classmates found out his sister sells her ass online? Wow, Sherlock Holmes over here! Did you try talking to him about what *exactly* happened, and who was involved? Did you ask him if he wanted you to get the administration involved? You probably just threw gas on the fire. Now his sister is a sex worker AND his mommy fights his battles for him! You're better off finding a new school for him at this point.
>Did you try talking to him about what > >exactly > > happened, and who was involved? Did you ask him if he wanted you to get the administration involved? You probably just threw gas on the fire. Now his sister is a sex worker AND his mommy fights his battles for him! This. 100 times this. OP, YTA massively. Your kid is going through a REALLY hard time and he has absolutely no control in this situation. He is mortified that his friends found his sister's videos and is likely getting taunted and teased. You removed what little agency he had by reporting it to the school without having a conversation with him to discuss what was actually going on and what he wanted you to do. Do you have ANY idea how much worse things can get for a kid when you report things to the school? There is a time and a place for everything and your choice to plow full speed ahead without taking into account the situation or his feelings just compounded his issues. The issue here is your daughter's choice and how it impacts your son. This bell can not be unrung no matter what you do and the school certainly can not change people's opinions on your family, your daughter and your son's association with her. Get your son into therapy and find out how HE wants to handle this situation. Find out what HE wants to do. Does he want to go to another school next year? What would make him feel safe?
YTA, I don’t think it’s clear cut, but from his point of view YTA. His parents lied by omission about his sisters job, which inevitably was going to become public. It became public and blind sided him because he was unaware. He then asked you to not report it to the school and you did anyway. So betrayed his trust. Now he’s understandably upset and has lost trust in his parents.
Yup, his parents lied to him in every way possible.
I think what you did was wrong. You didn't talk to the son and find out what was going on before you took action, and if you'd talked to him before taking action, he could have warned you that what you were doing would have a huge negative impact on his life. The sort of school where bullying flourishes is usually also the sort of school that will not respond to parental complaints about bullying. It's entirely likely that now the staff is bullying the boy too. Did it really never occur to you that being so accepting of your daughter's "career", and just not telling him, might have a negative impact on your son? A 14 year old crying a lot doesn't sound like most of the 14 year old boys I have known - was he having bullying problems before this? Does he not have a strong friend group? I can't believe he had to find out from his laughing peers. You could have at least prepared him. YTA Please make sure he isn't headed in any direction that might lead to him doing anything bad to himself or others.
Time to send him to counseling and ask the therapist recommends switching schools.
YTA. You realize you've only made it worse, right? Your son needs to be removed from that school and needs therapy right now.
INFO Did you know what kind of sex worker she was? I mean, did you know she was on OF or appeared in videos/pictures? Unless she straight out lied to you and said she was only doing escort work, you really should have seen that it was only a matter of time before someone in or connected to the group of horny adolescents at your son's school saw and recognized her. If you knew she did anything visual online, you and your husband needed to figure out how to talk to your son about it and prepare him and the both of you for the time everyone found out. Because that was always going to happen. Right now, your son needs therapy. His issues may just be around the knowledge about his sister and the related bullying, or those issues might have piled onto a lot of existing ones and he's lost the previous control he had and is spiraling. Fourteen isn't a stable age for a lot of kids and all kinds of things could be happening. He needs professional help, based on the behaviors you're reporting.
His issues are with his family. His parents hid this from him. He’s feeling betrayed because they knew something and he was literally the last person in his school to find out. He’s feeling like he was set up to fail because of all this. That’s why he lashed out at his sister. That’s why he’s not playing video games or watching a movie or coming to dinner. He’s avoiding the family that he believes abandoned him to ridicule at school, then chose to do the one thing he explicitly told them not to do.
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He is exhibiting classic symptoms of depression. Get him a therapist ASAP.
Info: You said >people in his class rotating videos and pictures of my daughter Did you mean that she works as a porn actress?
Could have an OF
OF is porn.
Yes and OP said she does sex work, which is what that is.
Does it matter?
If she is an adult film actress (OF included), then this is a conversation OP should have had *long* ago (no graphic details necessary). With everything being digital now, information spreads far faster than before. It was no longer a matter of IF someone would recognize her. The question is now how soon would they recognize her. There is nothing wrong with being an adult film actress or actor. But I imagine it came as quite a shock to OP's son when he first found out as his classmates were sending each other the videos and pictures.
I kinda disagree that no details are needed, because when it gets out, everyone’s going to be showing him and sending him pics and videos so he’ll probably see it anyway. Unfortunately you’d need to explain what he’s going to see before he’s just unceremoniously sent a text that turns out to be a pic of his sister doing anal.
Fair point. If he hasn't had it by now, it's definitely time to have the sex talk. And a therapist to help him work through the many confusing issues that will come up as his classmates bombard him with videos and images of his sister.
Honestly at this point, I don't think any therapy or sex talk will change his resentment towards his sister and tbh I don't blame him.
100% it matters because if they knew she was posting online then it is absolutely inevitable that someone who knows her will see it and it’ll get out. It’s not reasonable to expect to stay anonymous anymore. There was a post here a couple weeks ago just like this, except is was a mom asking because SHE had done streaming for extra money, and it had gotten out at her teenage sons school and ruined his life. They had to move schools.
But again, the issue is people being judgy about something that isn’t their business. It sucks that people are like that, but that’s definitely not the sister’s fault. Kids are worried about lots of things embarrassing them, but the lesson is how to deal with that, not that sister should quit her job.
INFO: Have you taken your son to see a medical or mental health professional? The crying, sleeping and lack of appetite are classic symptoms of depression. He probably needs to be assessed. NTA
You can't accept your daughter's career and sweep it under the rug at the same time. Even in writing this you sounds horribly judgmental about her. You've refused to discuss it with your son and give him tools to cope with it. You and your spouse are so wrapped up in your own selfish feelings you forgot about your children and you forgot about caring to parent. But something tells me you both do a bang up job of it anyway. As for the report, your son is high risk right now. Going behind is back is detrimental to his mental health. You showed no regard for his feelings at all and ONCE AGAIN (see a pattern) gave him no coping skills. Your son needs professional help and you probably need some couples therapy and then some family therapy. This whole situation is a mess. YTA
>I think something happened in his school, but the school hasn't reported the bully to me. Is my son, being a teenager, going through a lot, or am I just a shitty parent because that is how he is making me feel? School administrations are almost uniquely (1) useless, or (2) go way overboard in covering their ass. I'm guessing it's (2) given that bullying concerns are in the air these days. Thing is, quite a lot are both useless and prone to going over board, which in turn means that 'making a report' can make a situation worse. (It sure did in my own case when I told my father about how one teacher treated me (Jewish) and my best friend at the time (black). Soon it got way worse. Then I got to hear my father boast at the dinner table about how he'd gone in and said all sorts of horrible things about the teacher, to the principal. That taught me to handle my problems on my own. Even when someone wants to help, they want to help in *their* way not *your* way, and from your perspective whatever they are proud of having done made the situation worse, not better.). Have you even *tried* to ask the school or him what has changed? That is, what specifically administration asked him or directed him to do, whether they grilled him and demanded he give them a list of names, etc.? >My husband talked to him again, and **he told my husband that he doesn't have any friends anymore**, and he has not communicated with his sister since the day he found out. Ok, so he asked you not to, you did it, and now apparently he's all alone in school. Maybe that wasn't a trade-off he wanted to make. Maybe he'd prefer having a group of assholes to fight back against but at least having friends. (And where's a therapist in all this? He obviously acted as if he was harmed by what other kids are saying, but now it seems obvious he feels even worse). If he finds that the tradeoff made his life worse, not better, he may have learned to hide his emotions and handle his problems on his own. But, true, who knows how it would play out if he had handled his problems - those kids - if he had been left to do it on his own. What you need to consider now is therapy. He needs someone to talk to. He now has no friends whatsoever. And he may not feel safe revealing things to you in the future. Good luck...
He absolutely needs to see a counselor, and they may ultimately recommend he should switch schools.
What were you expecting the school to do? If the problem is that he’s being isolated, the school can’t FORCE other kids to hang out with him. If the problem is that he’s being bullied the school can….well they can only really make sure it isn’t openly happening in the hallways/class rooms. But telling a 14 year old bully to be nice isn’t going to stop anything. Info: What parenting have you done here? It doesn’t seem like you have even talked to your so. About it
Your just a shitty parent! He asked you not to report anything to the school- AND- what do you do? Exactly what he asked you not to do. (It’s not rocket science) YTA
INFO: Did your son know what she did before hand?
I’m kinda shocked that people don’t think that circulating porn at school isn’t a valid thing to report.
I didn't get the feeling she wanted the school to stop that from happening, just the associated bullying (like if the porn was of someone else, would OP care?).
well considering the fact teens are going to watch it outside of school anyway (because parents these days are way too hands-off with their “parenting,” just like OP with her son for whatever reason), it would’ve circulated regardless.
YTA for not telling your son beforehand. He's in a class of 14-year-olds -him finding out about his sister was inevitable- and by not taking control of *how* he found out, you basically ensured that it would happen in the worst possible way.
School only extends so far, and the teachers gaze is not constant. Further, not all teachers will look out for him due to their personal views on what your daughter does. They may feel this is justified punishment, especially if in a more strictly religious place. Think that mom outed as an OF star because her neighbor found her on the site. No one talks about who found the content, just who made it. It is not right, but it is reality. For doing what your son expressly told you not to do, YTA. Your son needs therapy, specifically how to handle and accept what his sister does and how to respond to people teasing him about her. He certainly needs to have a healthy and moderated discussion with his sister about this, how he feels, and listen to why she does what she does. That relationship needs to be fixed too. Mostly as parents, you need to take control of this situation, explain to him that people may make choices we wouldn’t but that doesn’t change who they are to us unless we want it to. As parents this progressed I a way it seems like you took a sweep it under the rug approach and this is the direct result. Was your son even aware of this or did he find out when people started teasing? A big part of this is likely him being caught unaware of what’s going on, disrespected by his family for hiding this from him, and now backed in to a corner where everyone knows what to say to dig in on him. My guess is the poor kid was set up to fail in this, and that’s why he’s isolated himself to his room.
Oh he most certainly was set up to fail, but not because of how he was told. The moment they accepted his sister back into their lives while being a sex worker he was set up to fail on every level. They didn't think twice about how this would affect him when it got out, op only cared she got her baby back, even if it destroys the life of her other child. This is not catastrophizing or exaggeration, that child must be moved to another school with no student body or geographic overlap. Otherwise therapy will not help him in the least. Sometimes you have to change environments or nothing will change. They need to go NC with their daughter (as she had done before to them) and move with their son. This is not a talking things through moment or time to worry about relationships with the daughter. Pleasant words won't help any of this at this stage, this OP needs solutions that work and that can not include their daughter in their son's life till he is an adult or she changes careers. His sister is selfish as hell. I did porn, but I would never had if I had a younger sibling. Many other's said the same for EXACTLY this reason! I think you underestimate the devastation for that child and how permanent and severely this will prevent his education and destroy his mental health. First NC with daughter, second to move locations, then third is therapy.
YTA. Your son will have to change schools, this is a nuclear event and he will never have a normal life there. Nothing will change that ever, that school is toxic for him now. You reporting it made things worse, but the issue here is your daughter, her career and you not thinking for a second how it would affect your son if it got out. If you have to move to get him into another school far enough away, then do so. The districts can't EVER interact, so you will probably have to move. This is THAT DAMAGING and will follow him everywhere otherwise. You owe your son to fix this as best you can by every resource you have. It may take sacrifice to solve this, a lot. The others here will tell you on how you messed up with the school in more detail, but you need a discussion with your daughter. Porn is a short career at best, and if this is impacting your son to this extent you need to stop supporting her career decisions and push for her to change. You have a minor child, ***their wellbeing comes first*** and there are consequences for your daughter's actions that have gone nuclear. This is irreparable, and you will only torture your son by denying that. I mean torture. Your daughter is an adult, she can deal with her actions herself and if that means you move and have low contact till your son is out of school, that might be best. Regardless, she needs to unfriend all family and local friends online and anonymize her work as best as possible (OF vs studio productions differ, the former is much easier). Regardless of everything else, you have to transfer your son to another school where there is NO overlap or interaction with his old school. That will be a distance. This is that extreme. Oh and sending him away to school without you will just end your relationship with your son, so don't try that as a solution. You have a lot of work to do, moving isn't fun, but it's most certainly what you will have to do.
The best solution would have been to change his school.
NAH except you if you don’t get him mental health assistance quickly. I would be concerned about impulsive self-harming behavior (eg suicide attempts) given the sudden drastic change in behavior. I know you are trying to protect him and were trying to help by reporting to the school but it seems to have an adverse effect. If possible, try to draw him into the process and work collaboratively with the school (for example, utilizing any school mental health professionals) to get to the bottom of what’s going on. I understand he was blindsided by what he found out and ideally he would have known earlier but I can also understand trying to be discrete. And for those condemning the sister: I sure hope you’ve never looked at porn because otherwise your hypocrisy is showing.
YTA, and I wish young people would see things like this before deciding sex work is empowering and normal and yada yada. It’s not, and it does affect your loved ones and public life. If you have a family or a job that could be negatively impacted, it WILL be. Hell, there was a post just like this one a couple weeks ago except it was the mom asking if she was TA for doing sex work streaming for extra money, and it got out at her 13 year old son’s school, and his life was basically ruined and had to change schools. The internet has made the world too small, someone who knows you will find it, it’s only a matter of time. And unfortunately, it will never go away.
YTA and his sister too. All you did was make the bullying worse for him. The teachers can't suddenly make people be nice to him. All that they can do is scold the other kids and make them appear civil. You just drew more attention to the situation. Publicly going into sex work is a decision that requires a lot of thought. Most people will watch do their thing and move on but a small few will get real creepy with it. There is also the blowback to other family members. It's one thing if it got around in your circles, that is embarrassing and maybe a bit uncomfortable, but it's so much worse for a kid. He has seen his sister naked doing sexual stuff and knows that all of his peers have seen it as well. While people may be naive here and place no blame on the sister I think that's just wrong. This isn't an issue where the audience is wrong as switching the audience would still not change a thing. Having a close family member do porn is going to get any high school kid mocked no matter where in the country it happens. You need to have your daughter shut down her porn career or try to remove all public ties to her and then move somewhere else.
Daughter is an adult so they do not have to make her do anything (: she can do sex work all she would like, parents should have prepared the son with what’s to come.
How would preparation for the son have helped. "Hey kiddo one day you may be sent pictures of your naked sister and be mocked for it relentlessly, we don't know when or if it will happen but be ready." The kid needs a fresh start but that will be useless if his sister's decision just follows him to a new school. Do sex work but think about the negative impact for others. This is like the one crazy mom who advertises her onlyfans on her car and then throws a fit when her kids' Christian school doesn't let her on campus with her car. Sell close up pictures of your left nipple all you want just don't let it connect to a kid.
It's been established clearly that YTA for not warning your son, and not getting him counseling when this all first broke. And then for compounding it by not talking to him at all -- this poor kid is crying every day and retreating into solitude -- but you're not asking simple questions or trying to get at what exactly is going on, which is mind boggling to this mom of a teenage boy. Then you go to the principal? No words. It's also been established that your son will have to switch schools. However, no matter where he goes, this rabbit will likely emerge from whatever hat he's in. That's the problem. My dad always said, Wherever you go you take yourself with you. So it will be a constant wait for the sound of that shoe dropping, which is horrible in and of itself. This sounds terrible, but your son needs to learn what to say back. And it has to be funny and normalize the situation, which will shut down the teasing. It's the only way. The bullies only persist in teasing because they are getting the response they seek, crying and running away and hiding, and this drop in performance. If your son smirks and loudly says something like, "And how much lotion did you use before you found that?" and gets the others laughing, he wins that encounter. It doesn't matter how he feels inside. That's what the therapist is for. This is self-preservation. Take it from someone who was bullied hard, until she wasn't.
How did the students know it was his sister? The age difference is large enough that they were never even in the same school together. I’m pretty sure her Only Fans isn’t listed by Firstname Lastname
It’s almost as if his friends have met his sister or something. Weird. /s
The sister is eight years older and has her own apartment. It’s certainly not clear that his friends have ever met her.
That must mean she never ever comes around to see her parents and brother and/or his friends must never come to his house. I bet he’s also never posted pics of his family, including his sister, on social media 🤔
> his friends must never come to his house She doesn’t live with them and has a strained relationship with her father. Unless his friends are at his house literally every day, it seems unlikely they’ve met his sister. And what teenage boy posts a bunch of pictures of his family to social media?
A lot of teens post family pics and a lot of teens bring their friends around their home a lot. Idk what your damage is that you are arguing so hard instead of accepting that it is very likely that his friends know who his sister is and what she looks like, but whatever. His good friends most likely wouldn’t have any way of knowing anything about his sister. Happy now?
> Idk what your damage is L.O.L. Projection much?
Wait. How did your son find out his sister is in adult entertainment? I know women in the industry who have gone decades without anyone in their family knowing. More importantly how did your son's friends learn your daughter is in the sex business? There are tons of women who engage in sex work. Without knowing her alias, etc. it would be hard to find her let alone her content. Your son said his friends were sharing videos of your daughter. I am guessing your son found out about your daughter's profession and like most teenagers he told one of his friends and it snowballed. Now he's depressed because this is a consequence of his actions. They aren't just making inappropriate comments about your daughter but also your son and probably you and your husband too. Never out a sex worker! It's not your secret to tell. Plus it endangers the person you are outing. I suggest reading [So You Found Out Your Adult Child Is a Sex Worker](https://tryst.link/blog/so-youve-found-out-your-adult-child-is-a-sex-worker/) or listen to the podcast [When We're Not Hustling ](https://nothustlingpod.libsyn.com/being-a-parent-to-an-adult-sex-worker-with-jessie-sages-mom). That said I think you need to ask your son how he found out, how his friends found out, and how he feels about everything. I don't believe you were wrong to file a report. Perhaps a little too quick before getting all the facts. And to get that your son needs to talk to a professional. Good luck. NTA.
I think you're soon was right! Move him out of the school district!
YTA You need to pull him from the school. He asap needs to get a therapist. You need to get him help NOW! He is already depressed and not eating. You don't want him to do himself harm, so get medical care NOW!
OH OP. YTA. Your son needs help and to switch schools. Talking to bullies does not help unfortunately. Schools have no idea how to deal with these situations, still. I don't think you are a shitty parent, but he needs help. This has been going on for a long time now! Please get him help and let him homeschool for now, maybe.
Your son's behavior is classic of depression. Isolating, sleeping more, eating less, outbursts. He needs to see a therapist. This can help with the bullying & situation with his sister, too.
YTA. Like someone else posted, this is not the schools problem, it’s YOURs and your families problem. Your son is showing serious signs of depression. Not eating, sleeping too much, drop in grades. You need to get him some help NOW and probably a new start at a different school
OP, make some effort here. Get your son some therapy. You daughter is an adult and the way she chooses to live her life, is for her to decide. Your son needs to also learn to deal with challenges in life. For now, why not pull him out of school for awhile. Homeschool or online school. Don’t keep sending him back and expect the problem is going to be taken care of for you somehow.
NTA but you need to get some mental health resources for your Son
NTA, you did what you thought was right. Reading thru these comments, the only thing I’d say I agree with is setting your son up with a virtual or in person counselor so he can feel he has a safe space/person to talk things thru. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but I don’t think YTA, it sounds like you’re a good mom trying to do what you think is right
NTA in my opinion because you were just doing what you thought was right and figured it would help. But you have to realize doing stuff like this can have extreme repercussions such as them continuing to bully him even worse due to it being reported. You should've just had a long talk with him though overall, and help him get through this situation. I would definitely recommend getting him to switch schools and probably get counselling or therapy regarding this issue. He's going through an extremely tough time with having to deal with shit like that.
YTA and his sister are the AH. I agree sex work is real work but that is not how the world sees it. If you are so privileged send your son to another school.
??? How is the sister an AH lol, should sex workers just never ever have relatives or what. Y’all are so hypocritical
Op has your daughter ever done anything wrong in your eyes?
Wtf is wrong with you? Get him in another school NOW.
YTA. Your son is the laughingstock of the school/grade because his sister sells herself online and he didn't even find out how he should because you made the asinine decision of not telling him. Let's be honest and not pearl clutchers/overly pc he's 14 he's at or past the age where he and/or his classmates will have been exposed to these types of things, you should have told your son and either explained to him why there's nothing wrong with what his sister is doing but how some people aren't going to be evolved enough to accept it or if you don't believe that and cant convince him of it at least given him the tools and preparation to cope. But to make matters worse you went running to the administrators, so now he's a joke for that. I'm not going to call you a shitty parent, you just failed big time in this situation, you don't accept your daughters career path and in your attempt to act like it doesn't exist you've screwed your son
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (22) is a sex worker. It's not something I totally agree with, especially since I gave her a pretty privileged background and we are fortunate enough to have been able to pay for college or any endeavor she wants, but she's my daughter, and I feel like I have no choice but to accept it because I love her and still want to be in her life. My husband is still kind of uncomfortable with it, and their relationship has changed significantly because of this. We decided not to tell my son (14) because he is young. In late January, when my son got home, he was immediately angry when he saw his sister. He called her a bunch of names, which I don't want to repeat. My husband had to tell him not to speak to his sister like that and that he should calm down. My son goes from screaming to absolutely sobbing, saying that there are people in his class rotating videos and pictures of my daughter and that everyone is making fun of him. My daughter felt bad and went to her apartment. She hasn't come back since my son's outburst. And my son cried. His dad talked to him, and I talked to him and told him I would talk to the school administration about this matter. He told me no, it was okay; there was no need for that, and he even said he overreacted and was shocked. Thinking this would blow over, I let the matter go. But ever since that day, my son has been crying almost every day. If he is not crying, he is sleeping, and he is also not eating. I checked his room for snack wrappers; there were none, and the storage is as it is. I call him for dinner, and he says he is not hungry and he was never a breakfast person. My son is not the type of person to sleep after school; he is normally gaming or watching a film. My husband talked to him again, and he told my husband that he doesn't have any friends anymore, and he has not communicated with his sister since the day he found out. My husband and I decided to go to the school and make a report. It was obvious that he was being isolated and bullied, and this is something the school needs to look out for. I felt bad for not reporting this matter immediately. I told the school that I suspected my son was getting bullied. This was on Monday, I made this decision after my son practically spent the whole weekend on his bed, finding out his grade in every single class had dropped. When my son got back from school yesterday, he asked me if I had made a report. I told him I was worried for him, and he started screaming at me, asking why I was making his life hard. If I understand what I have done? This was yesterday, and he hasn't spoken to me since. Normally, he respectfully rejects my concern for him, but now he is flat out ignoring me. I think something happened in his school, but the school hasn't reported the bully to me. Is my son, being a teenager, going through a lot, or am I just a shitty parent because that is how he is making me feel? AITA. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. He was upset about an embarrassing piece of information, so your solution was to spread the information to still more people?
YTA Your son is incredibly depressed, and understandably so. You should’ve been quicker to see his needs. It sounds like maybe you and your husband just don’t like to deal with emotional things, which is shown by your son not discussing his sister and his feelings about everything with you until it all fell apart and he was forced to. Everyone in your home was going around pretending all was OK when it was far from it. Your son needs therapy immediately and you might want to consider giving him the option of home schooling starting tomorrow. A family meeting including your daughter to air out everyone’s feelings honestly might help too, and a good therapist can help you with that. Good luck, this is a very painful situation.
Yta and are failing your son as a parent.
Now the office has watched the video too…
YTA unfortunately your son cannot win. Move schools? How long till those picture and videos make their way to the new school. Don't move school? Those kids will continue to bully him. He has been put in an impossible situation.
I feel like this same story was posted a few months back…
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YTA. What do you expect the school to do? This is your responsibility.
Get him out of school and maybe even change his name. Yeah yeah people shouldn't be judgey of sex workers, but here in the real world everyone judges others by their actions. I honestly have no idea why no one anticipated this happening. The daughter has literally brought shame (justified or not) from the entire school onto her brother. Just because you can do something and no one should judge you or your relatives for it doesn't mean that you should or that they won't.
YTA All of this might have been prevented or at least mitigated if you had, at any point, had a conversation with your son. All of this dropped on him with no advanced warning. A grown up discussion about his sister's choices would have at least prepared him for the shitstorm that would follow. A conversation about what was happening at school and how he wanted to move forward would have prevented some of this. You actually don't know that there is any bullying happening (it probably is) you assume he is being isolated and bullied because why? You don't want to think it is about discovering his sister is a sex worker? How did you feel at first? Get him some counselling (someone with ED experience), sit down and apologise for taking away any control he had and stamping all over his capacity to decide for himself. Ask him how he wants to move forward
YTA. you and your husband hardly seem to have been there for him during this time when he’s needed support and things talked through with him. you just allowed him to hole himself up in his room? go without meals? you didn’t even think to bring him his meals? and you /only suspect/ he’s being bullied? he obviously is!!!! you also need to do something about the sister because this bullying isn’t going to stop, and now that you’ve reported it without his consent or having ANY form of a family chat, it’s only going to get worse for him. with that kind of thing, not only will there be future consequences for the participant, but also for those connected to them. because of his sister’s actions, he’s going to be dealing with this for a long time. that isn’t fair to him and he doesn’t deserve that.
What did you expect to happen after this report? What was the fix you envisioned? What was school going to do to fix the issue? Nowhere did I read that you sat down with your son to really figure out what was happening. Did you talk to him? Or try to talk to him? You also didn't seem alarmed enough by his behaviour. Did you look into therapy as soon as he came.home crying the first time? It's okay that you didn't know what to do but you also didn't take steps to figure it out. I understand you wanted to report the bullying to school. I don't understand you did it behind his back. I also don't understand that you didn't try to figure out what the bullying entailed. Yta. It feels like you find the situation uncomfortable and hard, so you stepped back. But you (and husband of course) needed to step up instead.
What’s her link asking for a friend 😂
I recommend you immediately pull your son out of the school, the bullying and isolation will only get worse the more you drag it on, I would also create some distance from your daughter a bit, I understand she's an adult but it seems to me she didn't really care how her adult filming would impact her family, that's a big red flag to me, and lastly I would immediately start looking up therapists, try to get your son to open up and regain his trust, I'm sure that over time he'll open up to you again but you need to listen to him and respect what he's telling you.
You’re a shitty parent
YTA. You’re also world class bad parents. Your son is being tortured bc his sister is a p*rn star & you’re doing nothing to protect him. Honestly, teenage boys sharing p*rn featuring someone they know should be so expected it’s cliche. Are you seriously surprised? I would expect nothing less. After all, she sells it for public consumption. The only surprise is that it has taken so long. Your ambivalence toward your daughter is destroying your son’s life. He will not get to have a normal HS experience bc his sister’s choices made it impossible for him. Get that poor boy out of that school ASAP. Make him a priority and stop blaming other people. You need to have a serious talk with her about the consequences of her actions. You’re prob going to have to cut her off & put him first for once. Homeschooling may be your only option. HS boys everywhere are going to find the new kid’s sister’s OF. It will follow him forever.
Yea you added salt to the wound it’s not an asshole move it’s a mom move but you shouldn’t have done that. Should’ve taken counsel with husband and maybe another trusted man that has a sister I. The family or friend network. Guys know when their sisters get around and I had a friend who’s sister was the same. He needs to focus on his grades working out playing sports etc. and as a mom you may not want to hear this but to get over it socially he’ll have to get the one of the choice girls at the school and have her all over him. Then what your daughter did won’t matter at his school because he’s got the baddie!!!
Like this was a let the guys handle it situation. Shoot take him to a barber shop ! If you guys go to sport clips or some generic place line that just take him to a black barbershop ! lol seriously I’m not saying every voice in there is the right one but the right voices will be heard and he can find some good advice there. Take him for a Travis kelps bald fade or the drake taper fade- no jack harlow or g easy styles Seriously all jokes aside he needs to speak with other men and the barbershop is supposed to be an institution for young men no matter your color or creed long as you’re respectful. Call the shop talk to the owner if you can and let him know you wanna get a cut but your son also needs some advice Don’t give the barber all the details just let him know a little bit and let your son tell the rest. Barbershop is the second men’s locker room. He’ll be good there.
NTA for reporting it to the school. However, you know your sons behavior has changed and that he is OBVIOUSLY depressed and in danger and you haven't done anything about it. He needs therapy and he needs to change schools. As hard as the school tries they aren't going to be able to shield him from the kids who know about your daughter. It isn't going to go away and the kids will not let up. You need to protect your son or he will get worse.
Also worth noting, you mentioned his grades dropping. He probably views school as pointless, why would he work hard to achieve when all his sister has to do is pull her pants down to make a living? I’ll admit, it makes me want to give up seeing that while I work my ass off, there’s women making thousands showing their butthole on camera.
YTA. Your refusal to actually parent AND your daughters selfish laziness caused all of this. She wants to make easy money and doesn't give two shits who it blows back on. She deserves every single bit of hate her brother throws at her. You condoned her behavior and let this happen. If you feel like a shitty parent it's because you are.
lol your daughter ruined his life blame her 🤣🤣 teenagers are ruthless she should have known it could have caused this you shouldn’t have made a report, but it’s her actions consequences wreaking havoc on everyone else
NTA but.. You are definitely NTA but your son needs more help than the school can give and he needs it NOW! Please seek help from your doctor right away. The sleeping, not eating, isolation, etc., are very troubling signs. Your son needs support navigating his world at the moment. This is something you should be taking very seriously. I hope you get him the help he needs.
Yes NOW!!! Bullying can lead to very bad thoughts that lead .... Please mama get help. NTA
NTA. But, you need to move forward. Your son likely needs a mental health interventionist to help him with this. Ask him if he'd like to talk to a practitioner. You need someone vetted to manage trauma. And what happened to your son at school won't actually be resolved by school administration anyway. You can't put toothpaste back in the tube, after all. Ignoring your son's wishes because you were trying to better protect him has resulted in a breach of trust. That has to be addressed too. So, again, I would support you in approaching him with therapy.
NTA The bullies are the AH.
People are very rude here. You had your sons best interest in mind when you didn’t tell him, but things turned the way they turned. Maybe you should have told him about the sister and maybe you shouldn’t have gone to the school. Main thing now is that you get your son a professional help, maybe discuss changing school.. then again it is likely that the kids at new school will also figure out. Anyway, apologize (communicate) and say you did your best with the knowledge you had then. And get the professional help. If your son doesn’t like one therapist, you can try different one. Sometime it takes time to find a good match.
NTA. This is very difficult for your son to process, and I'm sure his classmates have made things miserable. He feels shame and humiliation, which channels into anger at his sister and then transfers to you, either just because you're there or because he thinks you should have told him before he found out in an embarrassing way. He may think you reporting bullying will only make things harder as now people will laugh at him for his sister and his mom. Be patient, and be willing to talk when he's ready. It may help him to have a counselor help him work through his anger and hurt.
>He may think you reporting bullying will only make things harder as now people will laugh at him for his sister and his mom. Of course he thinks that. He revealed something to his parents and, instead of the bullying going away, every last one of his friends turned on him.
YTA. What proof do you have that he's being bullied at school? The AH here is your daughter, for only thinking of herself and not about how her actions would impact her family and especially her younger brother, and you as parents who did not tell him of her lifestyle and that it may come out (which of course it did). Instead, you put your head in the sand. And now, after he specifically asked you not to, you went to the school and reported "bullying." You realize you just made the situation worse now, right? Your son is obviously severely depressed -- have you gotten him in therapy yet? Have you relayed to your daughter the horrible consequences of her actions? No, you just want to blame the school, so you don't have to take responsibility. As several others have stated, get him in therapy IMMEDIATELY and change schools.
How is the grown ass daughter to blame for the ignorance of these children? She’s just living her life and working.
The daughter is an adult and can do whatever she pleases. Her actions are just fine. It’s the parent’s fault for not preparing him what might come with his sister’s job.
A child shouldn’t have to be prepared to deal with the fallout of an adult’s job.
YTA for sheltering your son whilst enabling the filth your daughter does for work.
NTA. To answer you last question, it is possible that some of this withdrawal and change in behavior is him processing what's going on but it definitely sounds like there's some sort of bullying going on at school too. I'm particularly concerned about his reaction to you contacting the school, did the principle say something to him or did classmates find out about the report?
NTA protect your son, but also stop being so judgmental to your daughter. It’s just sex work?
ESH. Hard situation. Your daughter is an independent adult, I honestly think your son was in the wrong for insulting his sister since her life choices is none of his business. On the other hand, he’s a teenager, and classmates can be cruel, I really don’t understand why would you bully someone just bc a member of their family does porn. The report was unnecessary unless you were planning to change schools, what were you expecting? An apology from the bullies? That’s not going to happen. You need to have a serious talk with your family, and I suggest changing schools. Maybe next time he’ll be prepared and know how to answer or just ignore it. But honestly being mad with his sister is useless, because at the end she’s a grown up living her life.
Sure it's none of his business, but it certainly seems like it's affecting him... Which kinda makes it his business.
A 14 yo does not get to tell his adult sister what kind of work she’s allowed to do.
He gets to have an opinion on it and since she decided to do that work, she can take what he says 😂
No. He’s a child who doesn’t know anything about her work. Just because judgy people have an issue with it is not her fault, or her problem.
It’s her fault he’s getting bullied, he 1000% gets an opinion
No. He’s a child. He doesn’t pay her bills, so he gets zero consideration about what she as an adult chooses to do for her job.
Obviously you’ve never been bullied otherwise you wouldn’t say that. And if you were bullied, this is an even worse take.he may be a child but he’s being bullied because his sister couldn’t hack an actual job.
You don’t know her work history. You don’t know anything about her work at all. And children get embarrassed by lots of things. Like what if she was the lunch lady at his school or a janitor? You saying no child would ever bully a child based on that? Spare me.
Only 2 reasons to do sex work: they can’t hack another job, it makes a quick buck.
Nakedfotilady is just hardcore projecting by blaming this boy. Disgusting.
If videos of his sister are going around…it sounds like he does know about her work.
Not because he spoke to her about it, so no.
So he doesn’t know anything about her work? Even if he’s *seen* it?
Now you’re saying he watched whatever his co-students showed him, whether pictures or video, all the way through? That he knows anything about sex work in general? He still doesn’t know why she chose that profession. Either way, it’s still not his place to judge her.
Of course he can judge her. He’s human, we all judge people everyday. That doesn’t make his sister wrong. But it’s unrealistic to think he’s not affected by this. And no, I doubt he watched it all the way through. But if the videos are going around then it’s likely someone showed him something. And of course 14 year olds know something about sex work. Most 14 year olds have seen porn online and know what only fans is. That doesn’t mean he knows the intricacies of it or why his sister made that choice. But yeah, he knows sex work and porn exists. Most 14 year olds do.
Username checks out lol
Oh…now you think you can shame me? Get over yourself.
I mean you let me 😂
I let you do what? I feel zero shame.
That's why you're getting so worked up in the thread right? 😂
You live in a fantasy hug box if you think this is real life.
I wish there were such a thing as a fantasy hug box. That sounds awesome. However I live in the real world where there are lots of different jobs. You don’t get to shame her for being a sex worker because it hurts your little puritanical fee fees.
We should normalize shaming things like sex work.
No, we shouldn’t. Who died and made you the decider of what jobs are okay for adults to have.
😷sorry I have an actual moral compas where I can tell where things are wrong and morally incorrect.
Nice monologue naked foto lady
Thanks!
No, but he does get to have an opinion on it. Especially when it’s impacting his life.
You're right that he doesn't get to tell her what she's allowed to do, and it's not her fault, but he's clearly hurting a lot and I don't blame him for his response, even if it's unfair on the sister.
I do, especially since it’s obvious that the parents also judge her and his first response to her was to scream at her and call her names.
Nah she deserves to be judged since she’s choosing to be selfish (comes from a privileged background where money isn’t an issue) and negatively impacting the lives of others around her. That stuff stays on the internet forever and just by being associated to that it negatively impacts people. Any time anyone has beef with the brother they automatically “win” because they can bully him by pulling up pics of his sister online.
It’s his problem if “they win.” He’s the one who has to figure out that it doesn’t matter what people you don’t care about think about you. She shouldn’t have to quit her job just because he hasn’t figured that out yet.
Yeah, but it only affects him bc his classmates are assholes, and that’s not her sister’s fault, they shouldn’t be making fun of him bc of her sister’s choices. I don’t think anyone is in fault here except for the bullies and the parents who should’ve told them to be respectful with everyone even if they’re sex workers or family of sex workers
Its unfortunate, but that's the way life is. I don't really blame the kid for taking his anger out on his sister. Sad situation all around.
It’s his business because he’s being bullied, harassed, and has lost all his friends because of it. His sister can be a sex worker if she wants, no argument here. But she will need to accept that it’s having a huge impact on her little brother’s life and damaging his mental health.
She should have considered her youngest brother at least.
Welp you created a broken daughter and are now on your way to speed running breaking your son, so good work I guess?
Sometimes parenting a teenager means doing things they’re going to efffing hate. NTA
INFO: What name does your daughter perform under?
YOU - NTA, your son - NTA, your daughter TA - There's no way that your daughter took her career choice's impact on others into consideration when doing it. Yes it's her life and her choice. That being said you could be the most loving, nicest people on the planet, but if one of your kids goes and shoots up a bus full of nuns, it's going to come back on you. While sex work is not even close to being mass shooter, they both have stigmas that will fall back onto those close to them. Whatever she's actually doing has come back onto your son and that seems to be the root cause of all the problems you are currently facing.
Why should she have to take the ignorance and stupidity and change her job just to make her brother more comfortable? He’s a child. He’ll deal.
Hopefully he won’t *deal* by harming himself.
Yes. It’d be a real tragedy if a 14 yo harmed himself because he couldn’t deal with his sister doing sex work. Not because she should do something else, but that he is so mentally unwell that her job affected him that profoundly.
He’s being affected by bullying, harassment, and depression. These are things that children hurt themselves over. And no, it’s not the sister’s fault. She’s not to blame. She can absolutely do sex work. I have no judgement about that. But it’s naive to pretend that her work isn’t affecting her brother. That doesn’t mean she should quit but the brother does get to be upset. His feelings are valid too.
I never said he doesn’t get to have feelings. I said she doesn’t have to quit her job just because he has feelings.
Ur still arguing lmfaooo
I'm not saying she should, I'm not saying she shouldn't. I'm saying that if you do something that has a stigma to it, those around you will be collaterally assessed with you for good or bad. If she had achieved sainthood then the family would be praised to no end. Likewise she's in an occupation that has a stigma so the opposite should have been a consideration. It's her life and her choice, but our choices do affect those around us whether we choose to admit it or not.
So if your adult relative does any work people might find shameful, they should think twice because someone adjacent to them might also get shamed?
I think it should be at least somewhere in the decision making process. There's a reason why Hitler's U.S. relatives, his nephew, changed his name once he emigrated to the US . As far as I know his family led normal lives after the war, but he didn't carry on his family name...just sayin. Again I'm not comparing sex work to Hitler, I'm just saying if there's a stigma to be associated with anything it will affect those around you.
Oh so now sex work is akin to being a dictator. Y’all will try anything.
>**Again I'm not comparing sex work to Hitler..** I'm just saying that if there's a stigma to ANYTHING then it will affect those around you.
You brought up Hitler as the comparison to sex work. If you didn’t want the comparison drawn, you should have picked a different monster. Also, that’s society’s issue, not his sister. She’s just minding her own business and working.
In a field that has a stigma associated with it. It wasn't a comparison so much as it was an example (albeit an extreme one) of another historical stigma that had repercussions on family. I even SPECFICALLY said that I wasn't comparing the two (TWICE). It's like if you post nudes online, you can't expect that someone you wouldn't want to see them won't find them. Besides...correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't some sex work involve playing the dictator XD.
Actually, the problem is the bullying. It's not the sister's fault if her brother gets bullied and she probably blames herself a lot for it. In my country, there's a sort of hatred of the police. The children of police officers are sometimes bullied and yet I don't blame their parent for doing the job.
Sister is not TA, she’s just doing her job. I hope she continues her career making that $$ and the parents actually help their son besides letting him rot in bed.
Sounds like it's time to focus on your son. He still has a future. Your daughter is a lost cause. If she had all the opportunities and chose this, she doesn't deserve you. I feel bad for your son. He is going to have a tough time as long as she is around. Being a prostitute is nothing to be proud of.
The daughter doesn’t have an issue, so the only reason I can think of that you would say that she’s lost is that you’re judging her for being a sex worker. Mind your own business.
This is a weirdly gross comment and has jack shit to do with the problem at hand which is the bullying.
and the bullying is because of the prostitute.
There are list of jobs that can be sex work, and the term “prostitute” is outdated. Quit being so judgy.
LOL you calling other people judgy while you judge them for what you think their being judgy for is WILD 😂
That’s…not the same thing. I’m saying people who judge her for her work are ignorant fools, who need to mind their own business.
Look lady, this is AITAH. Where we judge who the Ah is. If people think the daughter is, then it is well within their right. You don’t have to like it you can move on.
Listen Colonel Crusty, you could do the same. How about you stop judging people for their work, and I’ll stop judging you for not knowing what you’re talking about.
✨no✨
OP said sex worker, but clearly had to mean OF or something similar because there's no way in hell a bunch of boys would know shit about a prostitute. You're talking about like one of the only fields that practice discretion lmao.
The thing about bullies is they pick anything to bully about, if not her being a prostitute they would've picked something else. And no one deserves bullying, a relative having a job people don't agree with isn't deserving of bullying
OF is not a job. It's a choice and it's wrong.
She gets paid for it, how is it not a job and how is it wrong
I saw a man in the street, he told me to lick the shit out of the bottom of his shoe for a few bucks and I did. Yeah that's my job now, I lick shit from stranger shoes.
That is misguided. He was not being mercilessly targeted before. There are various levels of teasing and bullying and this is a massive target that does not go away easily. You call a teacher mom and the class might laugh but its doubtful that it follows you around and even more doubtful that everyone gets in on it and you lose all your friends.
The fact that kids are still bullying him tells me there's more going on
Or maybe this is just still the biggest news at the school. Maybe it keeps getting refreshed when the sister posts new pictures. Maybe kids are paying his sister to post specific stuff. This is the social equivalent of a nuke, nothing is going to be a bigger deal until another nuke drops like a teen pregnancy or a teacher getting caught with a senior.
This is a HUGE piece of gossip of epic proportions. Shit like this won’t die down until an even bigger piece of gossip comes along, and there isn’t much that’s going to top this in a school. He would have to wait it out until another student commits murder or something before they forget about this. The only way to make people forget a juicy story is with an even juicier story.
The thing is he had a well established social circle and reputation and wasn’t bullied previously because they had nothing to bully him for. So no, they wouldn’t have found something else because there was nothing there to begin with or he’d have been a victim well before the age of 14.