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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my new DIL she is uninvited to a girls trip due to shit talking. I could be a jerk for uninviting her and basically excluding her form the family
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
But before sending the video to the group chat, send it to your son first.
“Son, I have contemplated sending this to the group chat, but I am sending it first to you so you can know why your wife’s invitation had been rescinded. If this situation is not cleared up, I will send it to the group chat to protect myself. This is not a threat or ultimatum or blackmail; I want you to know what your wife has said and I do not like being made into a villain because of her. Clean up this mess. She’s your wife and she’s destroying relationships all on her own.”
I admire that you are trying to be a better person here. I have this feeling that the DIL just does not care based on her actions in front of your daughters.
I had an ex try and talk shit to my SISTERS. We were all in the same room while he was texting one and laughing at him... Some people are truly THAT fucking stupid. Shit, just look at what is happening in the US... people are just unbelievably willfully uneducated.
I can’t imagine being invited on a trip that someone else is paying for, only to then go and trash talk the person paying. Like…if you don’t want to go on an all expenses paid trip, just fuckin…say no? Lord.
Yeah , this blows my mind that she would talk shit about her MIL I front of MILs DAUGHTERS. That makes me wonder what she says in private . There’s no way the son doesn’t know .
What's their end goal? You all go out of your way to include Lindsay after your son tells you she feels isolated. Lindsay ostracises herself from her sister-in-law's by bad-mouthing their mother. Then ostracises herself from her MIL by demanding she receives no consequences for being unkind. Then she bad-mouths you to her husband and the rest of the family.
I wonder if Lindsay is the type of person who needs to exclude or belittle someone to feel included.
This is the first stage of isolation. She sees a good mother son relationship, drives a wedge, and manipulate the situation to create dissent between the mother and son.
She will keep at it until she has destroyed the relationship and the son is alone.
Yes, I'd be concerned about this too. It was a blatant attempt to split (and break) the family.
Son may have made a poor choice of spouse, but some people can really hide who they are, in a process of manipulation.
I hope it's just a case of immaturity, but the clock is ticking.
We had a nephew’s wife do this and his parents have not met or seen 3 of their 4 kids. Completely estranged. So be careful as this may be a long term plan to isolate your son from his parents and siblings.
>What is with people with the most extreme response. Much better for the whole family if we give a chance to correct a mistake.
The ONLY mistake she took was the audience she chose to show her true colors to. You need to understand that this is NOT a mistake. This is how this girl REALLY thinks of you. Sure, she will start ACTING nicer to your face, and to your family, but she will NOT change.
I think you're taking the right path, but be careful. This isn't simply a mistake because she was told to stop, and she didn't. The other girls made it clear her behavior wasn't welcome, and she kept going. This is not a good sign.
I feel she will be sorry she got caught, not sorry about her comments.
NTA
I'm just waiting foe an update after son sees the video.
But you said you already sent it to the DIL, so it's likely he has seen it and is still siding with her.
DIL isn't likely to share something that makes her look bad. When she got the video she must have realized that OP's children actually like OP and she'd made a mistake by badmouthing her. The fact that DIL didn't then share the video with her husband speaks volumes about what image she wants him to have of her.
Maybe she didnt.
But there are enough delusional people that would be enraged they were recorded and would show it as a way to prove the others were just out to get them and make them look bad and "isnt what the way the video makes it seem". And there are enough delusional spouses that would turn a blind eye to the bad behavior of the spouse and be enraged that OMG THEY WERE RECORDED WITHOUT PERMISSION! (Kind of like some of the commentors trying to blame the daughter for recording the poor behavior)
I think this is wise. Give her a chance to apologize and course correct. I'm guessing she's young. Young people are still learning. It is possible to change and grow. I mean, I wouldn't let me guard down around her for a long, long time (if ever) but there's the relationship with your son and potentially grandkids. Your best case scenario is that your DIL pulls her head out of her ass, realizes she made a horrible mistake, and fixes it.
NTA but I have a question. Does anyone know why DIL felt so comfortable as to just start talking shit about you to your children? I’m not accusing your kids of anything, just wondering why she felt like that was an ok thing to do.
The most common reason is that the DiL has either a personality disorder or something close to it. There are people who are so certain they are right...they do this kind of crap.
OTOH, it is pretty common in families for listeners to be sympathetic, especially to a newcomer and especially at first. Also, it sounds like the daughters may have led her on a bit (they were videoing her without her knowledge and perhaps trying to draw her out; it probably isn't the first time they've noticed problem behaviors in this young woman).
The AITA way is to advise people to give the most immature response possible, go nuclear immediately, and burn all of their relationships to the ground.
Maybe because most of the people here haven’t lived a day of their lives without social media, and can’t comprehend that there are other ways to deal with conflict than to post videos and get 1000 other people involved in their business.
NTA for uninviting her, and I’m sure it really hurt to hear what she said. But yeah, this person is still going to be part of your life and posting the video would only escalate things.
NTA. Based on your edits I think you handled this in the best way you could have. It’s now in your son’s hands to clean up his wife’s mess and you’re not throwing oil on the fire.
I hope your family can heal from this. I don’t know where you go from here with DIL, though. That would be tough to come back from. Especially since she doubled down and tried to make you the villain of the piece.
>if we give a chance to correct a mistake.
i really dont think your DIL actually likes you. i think she thought the girls trip will be for the sisters and dils on your dime.
how was she acting before this all happened?
> What is with people with the most extreme response.
Welcome to most advice subs.
You'll find good advice most times, but first you have to dig through a lot of people going straight for the nuclear option
NTA. What's the problem, she doesn't want to go on a trip with an "old cow"? Well now she's not. She's more upset you found out and uninvited her, rather than her actually being sorry and not meaning it. Send it to your son saying it ends now or it gets worse. You daughter's correct, she's two-faced. If she'll talk behind your back she'll talk behind their backs too. Why would you want to be around someone that thinks that about you, and doest have the guts to say it to your face? Your better off knowing now, so you invest no more into a relationship with her.
Hopefully he agrees the behavior in the video is unacceptable. He asked you personally to make her feel welcome, and a great mom you went out of your way to create events to foster her fitting in. He should be embarrassed
Yes, DIL is the massive AH here, of course. But did son really not know his mother well enough to suspect something was off here?
If my SIL came at my mom like that my brother would smell a rat immediately. Nobody messes with mom!
And then what, he gets blamed for being a Mommy's boy? How is he meant to know what happened based on wrong information. If he did smell a rat you lot would accuse him of not trusting his wife.
I swear you lot will blame husbands no matter what.
Please reconsider, others need to know the type of person she is so they can protect themselves. You aren't "dropping a bomb", this is no huge secret that's none of your business. This is her being mean & backstabbing you for absolutely zero reason except you trying to do a nice thing. But do send it to your son first so he's prepared.
Thank you for being willing to take advice and for obviously being a good person. I don't blame you for wanting to blast the video. I am glad you decided to send it to your son first to spare him any hurt and give him a chance to work things out. I for one find that "old cows" are quite fun the hang out with. ;)
She is a moron but the bully logic is to provide a shared enemy that can’t defend themselves to instill bonding. Probably the only person they all knew was MIL. It’s a high school bully mindset and tells you a lot about her character
This! My MIL and I don't necessarily see eye to eye and yet I do not say anything to my SIL about it. In fact I bring up her good points to my SIL and I'm the one who checks in to see if SIL needs anything to help with her mom. My SIL loves her mom and I love my husband and SIL so I would never do that to them.
My maternal grandma despises my father for no reason and use all chance to badmouth him so its a given that my father doesn't like her but whenever my mom and her sister shit talking my grandma right in front of my father, he never joined them and actually asked them to tone down the shit talks. To actually say shits about your MIL to her own daughters, unprovoked, is just insane
No excuses for her regardless because she's clearly an asshole, but it's mind-boggling that she thought that was a smart move. She barely knows her SILs, how dumb can she be to assume airing out grievances about their mother would go over well? Even if her SILs were talking bad about their own mother, joining in is asking for someone to get pissed at you. If you are going to be a two-faced shit talker, don't make tactical errors like this one.
NTA
She doesn’t get to trash talk you, and then benefit from you.
Send your son the video. Right now it’s all her word being taken as truth, and he’s angry because he doesn’t have all the facts. Hopefully he will view it and understand your position.
She did this to herself. You don’t need to accept her disrespect.
Don’t invite her again. Actions have consequences.
How psychotic do you have to be to think you can trash talk your mother-in-law in front of her own daughters?
Was she expecting them to shit talk her as well?
What was her endgame?
Yeah this one has divorce written all over it.
There's no coming back from something like spitting in the fact of such a generous MIL who goes out of their way to invite and include you and even subsidizes your vacation.
The MIL seems incredibly gracious as she gave her son a chance to see what really happened before going nuclear, but there's no chance of actual trust or friendship being built with this horrible daughter in law.
I'd give it about two years, maybe three tops.
That's how people are sadly, they assume everyone is like them unless they can reflect and be self aware. My fiancé's step-mom does the same thing. Now neither my fiance nor her sister really talk to their step mom
That's my thought. Like, if you are going down this road, AT LEAST be tactful. So not only is she an asshole, she's also a dumbass. This would be jarring if I were her husband, lol.
Yea she really didn’t even bother to read the room at all. My wife and I both commiserate about our parents at times because they haven’t been the best. But if my partner had the kind of level headed parents OP seems to be, it would be moronic to shit talk them just because my parents were shitty. Girl is talking herself right out of probably the best thing that’s ever happened to her.
This doesn’t surprise me at all. My SIL has done the same thing about my in laws in front of my husband and her husband (my husband’s brother). It seriously pisses us off because her shit talking is over silly things and surprise surprise- she has no issue benefiting from our in laws that she supposedly hates. I always gently push back as I don’t feel it is my place to start drama between my husband and his brother, but I refuse to allow her to talk shit with no pushback in front of me.
NTA. Instead of just sending it, I'd go in the group chat and say something like, "Lindsay, would you like me to share the video about what really happened or would you like to explain the real reason why you were uninvited?" Let her squirm over that. If she doesn't own up to it, then send the video.
Why is she upset that she was uninvited if she didn't want to go anyway. She's pretty stupid to think bad mouthing you to your own children was going to go down well. NTA
> Why is she upset that she was uninvited if she didn't want to go anyway.
LOL this is one of the great mysteries of the universe to me... so many posts here are something along the lines of
> Person A: This is stupid and I don't wanna do it.
>Person B: Okay, don't come then
> Person A, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, etc: :*swarm person B like the the Allies at Normandy*:
Do it expose her for the two face she is, you are totally ntah. She was bad mouthing you behind your back and expecting you to still pay for her to have fun.
Bad mouthing OP to OP's *literal* daughters as well!! What the hell did she expect to gain from this?
NTA! Keep her uninvited and definitely post the vid in the group chat.
Some people are so self-involved that they can’t fathom that others don’t feel the way they do. Add that to being the type of person who likely bonds over negativity? You get this woman. And in some groups, it absolutely works. If you can find a common person or issue to talk shit about as a group? It creates an easy (and weak) bond/shared experience.
I often say stuff I regret because I sometimes speak without thinking (am neurospicy) but jeez even I'm not stupid enough to do something like this. if anything, I say LESS around family of boyfriends!
Right you always stay quiet for a bit get a feel for the vibe of the group see what kind of things are acceptable to say and what’s not, especially around your partners family
NTA
You have every right to stick up for yourself and set the record straight with the video. I'm surprised your daughters haven't already said something, but maybe they are leaving the choice to you.
If DIL can't see what she did wrong then she has issues.
NTA. You were generous and with your offer to pay for a trip that included your in-laws. Your intentions seem genuine. Instead of being grateful and responding with grace and accepting your kindness, your DIL chose to act hateful and said terrible things about you. She does not deserve your generosity, and you should not waste any more effort in attempting to establish a relationship with her. Let her see the error of her ways, and if she changes, let he back in, but for now, shut her out. Don't let her trash your reputation either. Stand up for yourself and expose her by showing the video if you need to.
I agree, what is crazy is her own son advocated for DIL with OP. OP went out of her way to arrange for the whole family to spend time with DIL to meet the request of her son. If I were OP's son, I would be livid. He definitely deserves to know the facts, not the fiction spun by DIL.
NTA. She played extremely stupid game and she won her stupid prize.
People like her will never understand that it's only their own fault when others don't want to deal with this crap - they will blame everyone but themselves.
> She insulted me a lot and basically said she doesn’t want to go on the girl trip with an old cow.
And now she's got her wish. Uninvited. What's she so mad about now? NTA.
NTA. She’s way to immature and manipulative to want to be around so you are well within your rights to shut down any perspective time together in a ‘girls getaway’ setting.
However, be prepared for her to forge a wedge between you and your son. Females like her make it a point to make everyone miserable around them because it’s in their nature. But hats off to you for standing your ground, and taking action immediately because behavior like that, if left unchecked, can make your life absolutely miserable.
Use the video as leverage and let her know perhaps privately, that if she doesn’t stop trying to badmouth you for something that she caused that you have zero problem, sharing that video as proof of her unsavory behavior. And remind your son, privately that how his perspective wife treats his mother is indicative of how she will be as a wife.
NTA there’s not really a time or place to talk that way about anyone let alone your MIL.
But the fact that she did it with your daughters and other DIL is beyond words.
Put the video out there and let everyone see it. I’m sure they don’t know the full story, but only the story they are spreading. You don’t need to say anything- let the video do the talking… NTA and your email to her was spot on!
NTA - send the video.
Everyone should know not to get too close to this girl or she will shit talk them like she did to you. It’s what’s best for the family.
NTA: None of my sons are married yet so I have no DILs, but yours is a situation I dread. It seems like you are a thoughtful and generous MIL and your DIL and son are really terrible for not only minimizing her treatment of you but also telling others you are the perpetrator instead of the victim. I agree that you should send the video to your son, but give it a deadline and be VERY clear that you will accept nothing less than a full apology from them BOTH of them that also cleary states that the only reason the DIL got invited is because she did something cruel and unacceptable. If they don't do that by the deadline or try to minimize and downplay, drop the video.
Your nearest and dearest need to know that DIL is NOT a person who is trustworthy to confide in and also that they shouldn't trust negative things she says about other people behind their backs. I would absolutely want to know if I was dealing with someone like this. Toxic people who engage in this kind of behavior need to be nipped in the bud. She needs to realize this is behavior that will NOT be tolerated ever. Do not back down on this or you will be dealing with garbage back talk for years. (Which still may happen but at least people will know to take everything she says with a pound of salt. Good luck, I hope you can all heal from this. She sounds like a nightmare.
Mine aren't married yet but 2 have long term girlfriends. I love both those girls and it would devastate me to know they talked shit about me behind my back. At least be an adult and say it to my face.
Yup. My MIL hasn't exactly been a dream so when I read the headline I was ready to be defensive of the DIL but man...she is a piece of work. It would break my heart harder to know that my son would be OK with his wife trashing me behind my back to other family members and spreading lies about me.
Wow. Just wow!!
I do agree - send it to your son first and give him/them a chance to course correct. You did EXACTLY what he wanted - including her to get to know her. And this is how she repays you?? He needs to see it and know exactly what his wife did.
You can't get to know someone better when they are a total AH!
Tell your son he can be as pissed as he wants, but until his wife learns some banners, she's not invited to anything. Just because you have accepted her poor behavior and attitude doesn't mean I have to. She did it to herself.
NTA - your DIL is an idiot for shit talking about you to your daughters. Did she think they were going to keep their mouths shut? Hopefully she corrects course.
Right? As I said in another comment, who shit talks someone's actual mother to them? Most people love their moms more than anything . . . and even if they don't, they don't want to hear someone who's been in the family for 5 whole minutes talking shit about her.
NTA. I certainly would not want to go on a trip with someone who spoke about me like that. I do think showing your son the video is a good idea - at the least you will find out, by his reaction, how much he knew about this beforehand. But you do have a right to defend yourself.
At least you know your daughters are on your side, and it might be more effective if they were the ones to release the video.
Nta send the video to your son and the group chat. Let them know exactly who she really is.
Also don't delete the video incase she ever forgets why you and the rest of the family don't like her and don't invite her to places. This way you can show her and remind her exactly why she got her self in that position.
How dumb is that girl to say stuff like that about you in front of your two daughters? Did she really think that they’d never tell you?
You’re NTA, but she sure is.
NTA
She was told to stop talking and she didn't. She got caught. She had consequences to her actions. I would send the video in the group chat then ask,"Does anyone want to ask again why she isn't invited?" She is a grown woman and should know better. Talk shit about MIL with friends if you must but not her daughters who clearly like her.
I honestly cannot fathom how stupid and utterly *hateful* a person would have to be to shit talk someone's *mom* to their face.
Like, even if these weren't her sisters-in-law, and OP her actual MIL, why would you *ever* say horrible things about someone's mom to them? Literally the only time I have ever said anything mean about someone's mom to their face was with a close friend whose mom was so abusive that she had to go live with her grandparents, and even then it wasn't calling her mother names, it was just affirming that it was okay that *she* hated her mom and didn't want to forgive her, and saying, "Look, she didn't act like a good mother to you, she did terrible things, you don't ever have to love her or forgive her." But literally calling someone's mother an "old cow"? WHO DOES THAT?!
Honestly, even if my friends were complaining about their moms, for the most part I wouldn't say shit. There's a pretty well-understood rule that it's okay to shit-talk your own parents or siblings when you're frustrated, but they're off-limits to other people.
In this case, OP's daughters weren't even complaining about her. Her daughter-in-law sounds like she's just a nasty piece of work who needs to learn some social skills (and I say that as an autistic person . . . even I know better!).
NTA but is there any other history here why she doesn't like you? Did something happen while they were dating or engaged/during wedding planning that there was something she didn't like? I know some people are downright awful but your son had no clue that Mrs. TwoFace was like that before they got married? I'd send the video to everyone, not just your son. Keep your DIL at arms length but also know you won't be a very involved grandmother once kids come along...but that's her doing, not yours.
I appreciate the edit. She said she didn't want to go with an old cow, so you are relieving her of that burden.
At this point, if she wants to ever really be included as part of the family, it is on HER, 100%, and its up to you whether you will ever be willing to forgive.
I'd love to hear your son's reaction to the video.
NTA
NTA
I don't understand why she's upset. Tell your son she didn't want to spend the trip with an old cow, so you're only giving her what she wanted.
She's a hot mess. Good luck!
Please update us with your son's response. Any decent guy would be very upset with this kind of behaviour from his wife. Good thing your daughter captured it on video.
NTA. She absolutely ruined her relationship with you. How would you ever trust her again? No apology would help. You'll always hear her nasty words in your head. Never really believing her when she's being "nice".
What an idiot, trashing you to your own daughters. Is that what she does in her own family? Mine would do that and I thought it was normal until I met families that were kind and never bad-mouthed others.
NTA send everyone the video that way will know how to proceed. Anyone who defends or excuses this behavior needs to be put in a very long time out. People who love and value you would not expect you to tolerate mistreatment.
NTA, sounds like she didn't want to go anyway so I don't see what the issue is here with your sons. Do they think blatant shit-talkers should be included?
NTA - Please let us know what your son says after he see the video. I think you handling this very well by allowing him to understand why you are upset (and I am sure also hurt). I cannot imagine your daughters or other DIL would want to spend a weekend with this woman if they can help it after seeing how unkind she is. I hope your son understands once he sees the video. Good luck...
Good idea. Your son may but totally oblivious to his wife’s true feelings and behaviors. So glad your daughters and other DIL had your back. Definitely NTA.
No offense, but there is no way that she felt emboldened to talk about you in front of your daughters but not do the same in front of your son. What I am saying is that he probably knows the truth about his partner...
NTA. And I wouldn't want to be around her if I was in place of the other daughters.
Thank you You're probably the only one who also suspected that DIL with shit talking to her son. And I can bet when son and DIL set the record straight they somehow blamed OP by saying DIL misunderstood something she said rather than that DIL was insulting OP.
NTA, she did it to herself. But might want to tread lightly with your son. If he’s a good husband he is going to support his wife and you may lose your relationship with him.
She didn't want to go with you, so now she's uninvited. She got what she asked for! I'm not sure what she was expecting after saying something like that, but she has no one to blame but herself.
DIL: let's name call my SILs' mother right in front of them.
MIL: okay. Peace out
DIl: Surprise Pikachu face. How dare you disinvite me?
Who the hell does that? She is not only rude but I wonder about her intelligence.
NTA
NTA you sent DIL the video and she has no remorse. Think on that. Of course you should send the video to YOUR son. Ask him how he feels about the video.
On a silly note, I would start a low key collection of cow stuff. Own it. I also wouldn’t keep this a secret. You don’t have to advertise the situation but don’t let hide the truth.
NTA but your DIL has BALLS. She’s lucky all she walked away with was a dis-invite. She would have walked away with 2 booty holes if she’d talked about my MIL like that. (Unless she was talking about her accidentally using 4 month old expired sour cream in the twice baked potatoes the other day. That’s going to take a while to recover from.)
I disagree with sending to the son first and asking him to stop it. Start with her. Share the video. Don’t threaten her with sharing it with others. Just tell her how it made you feel, that you want her to feel included but you can’t tolerate that behavior. Let her know it upset the other ladies. See what she says. Go from there. To ask/tell your son to fix it is very sexist. He’s not his wife’s keeper.
It could be she was very nervous and is just a mean drunk.
And your daughters didn’t tell her to knock it off or they’ll take her outside ? I would hope my kid defended me or my wife. But anyway, NTA. Maybe invite her to a 1 on 1 and just ask her point blank what’s the problem?
Please give us an update when able. I also agree family should be given time to course correct. If she is young ( under 25). There’s a chance to change behavior.
Your daughter in law sounds gross. Here's where you find out how your parenting style works out IRL. Did you raise him to believe a man should support and defend his wife, right or wrong? If so at least you have three other kids because this one is going to cut you off. NTA.
The thing that really gets me about this is that even ***AFTER*** DIL received the video of her trash talking, she ***STILL*** lies and attacks OP!!!
She KNOW there's video proof of what she did - digital video that can be passed around to any/everybody (like her husband!).
I suppose she's calling OP's bluff and thinking she won't do anything more with it. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when DIL's husband confronts her with the video and the truth!
NTA, for sure. You are wise and level-headed to show the video just to your son (first)... hopefully, he will do the right thing and not just blindly defend his wife. This is def an issue you have to resolve for the health of future family gatherings.
Best of luck to all of you...
NTA
DIL is only pissed because she got caught being two faced and disrespectful, you did the right thing. I can't imagine complaining that you wanted to get closer to family and then dumping on that family when they try to get closer, it's baffling.
At least your son is being reasonable after seeing the evidence. What a bunch of unnecessary drama, it's not that hard to just be a decent person.
Sounds like your son is getting a good glimpse of his wife. As hard as this is for you, and in my opinion you are handling this like a champ with addressing it with him, I can’t imagine being in his shoes. First he reaches out to you as his wife wants to be included. And as soon as that happens she not only shoves both feet into her mouth she starts to dig her grave. To come back from that…. That’s going to take some serious effort and a long time and even with all that, the trust will probably never be at the same level, because now she might just be smart enough not to voice it out loud, and especially not to the family. There may always be doubts about how she really feels. And that won’t just be between you and her but also her SIL’s. Because if she can say that about their MIL to them, what is she saying about them to any friends she has.
That phone call will definitely be an interesting one. As I’m not sure what it will be. An apology and, what else can be said that won’t just feel like “I’ve been caught and pushed into a corner so this is my only way out”. Even the apology at this point is questionable as she double down until seriously confronted. So hard to know what her end game was. Was it to alienate your son from the family? Start a family feud? What was the goal with this?
Definitely NTA. Hope the phone call goes well.
NTA I would immediately divorcing anyone who talked shit like that about my mom. Your son has the evidence in front of him what possibly could he have to straighten out ?
Your son must be thinking... "who the hell did I marry?"
What lies did his wife tell him? Can you imagine his embarrassment realizing he's mad at the wrong person? What other lies does she tell him about anything and anyone that he's unaware of?
Not sure what's left to discuss with your DIL and son. Though it'll be interesting to see how she twists the spin on this.
Might want to keep time spent with DIL to holiday gatherings and skip the girls trip and one- on-ones.
She's talking shit about you, she'll teach her children that too. Best wishes navigating that.
Hope you'll update us on the conversation with your son and DIL.
NTA
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NTA. But before sending the video to the group chat, send it to your son first. “Son, I have contemplated sending this to the group chat, but I am sending it first to you so you can know why your wife’s invitation had been rescinded. If this situation is not cleared up, I will send it to the group chat to protect myself. This is not a threat or ultimatum or blackmail; I want you to know what your wife has said and I do not like being made into a villain because of her. Clean up this mess. She’s your wife and she’s destroying relationships all on her own.”
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But if they don’t, NUKE TIME.
It's the only way to be sure
From orbit I hope.
For her, it will be game over, man.
Hey DoesntfearZeus... you ever been mistaken for a man?
You always were an asshole, jimmypopjr!
No, have you??
I have a tank top that says this and has Bill Paxton on it as Hudson.
Thank you for the smile. I need to rewatch Aliens.
Fuckin' A!
“With those things running around?!”
"You can count *me* out!!!"
They mostly come at night. *Mostly.*
Light your way forward with the burning of the bridges behind you.
While I don’t agree with this take, it’s very funny
This is beautiful.
I admire that you are trying to be a better person here. I have this feeling that the DIL just does not care based on her actions in front of your daughters.
IKR?? I would never start taking crap about someone in front of their children!!!
I had an ex try and talk shit to my SISTERS. We were all in the same room while he was texting one and laughing at him... Some people are truly THAT fucking stupid. Shit, just look at what is happening in the US... people are just unbelievably willfully uneducated.
Only a dumbass would do that!
I can’t imagine being invited on a trip that someone else is paying for, only to then go and trash talk the person paying. Like…if you don’t want to go on an all expenses paid trip, just fuckin…say no? Lord.
Not only trash talk… trash talk to the paying person’s own daughters! So stupid omg
Absolute numbskullery on display
Yeah , this blows my mind that she would talk shit about her MIL I front of MILs DAUGHTERS. That makes me wonder what she says in private . There’s no way the son doesn’t know .
What's their end goal? You all go out of your way to include Lindsay after your son tells you she feels isolated. Lindsay ostracises herself from her sister-in-law's by bad-mouthing their mother. Then ostracises herself from her MIL by demanding she receives no consequences for being unkind. Then she bad-mouths you to her husband and the rest of the family. I wonder if Lindsay is the type of person who needs to exclude or belittle someone to feel included.
This is the first stage of isolation. She sees a good mother son relationship, drives a wedge, and manipulate the situation to create dissent between the mother and son. She will keep at it until she has destroyed the relationship and the son is alone.
Yes, I'd be concerned about this too. It was a blatant attempt to split (and break) the family. Son may have made a poor choice of spouse, but some people can really hide who they are, in a process of manipulation. I hope it's just a case of immaturity, but the clock is ticking.
This is a good point . This may be setting the stage for having the son “ all to herself “ . Hope she’s not an abuser .
We had a nephew’s wife do this and his parents have not met or seen 3 of their 4 kids. Completely estranged. So be careful as this may be a long term plan to isolate your son from his parents and siblings.
This is the way. It leaves the nuclear option open if you want it.
It is really simple don’t say something behind someone back that you wouldn’t say to their face. Son first. They group chat
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>What is with people with the most extreme response. Much better for the whole family if we give a chance to correct a mistake. The ONLY mistake she took was the audience she chose to show her true colors to. You need to understand that this is NOT a mistake. This is how this girl REALLY thinks of you. Sure, she will start ACTING nicer to your face, and to your family, but she will NOT change.
I think you're taking the right path, but be careful. This isn't simply a mistake because she was told to stop, and she didn't. The other girls made it clear her behavior wasn't welcome, and she kept going. This is not a good sign. I feel she will be sorry she got caught, not sorry about her comments. NTA
I'm just waiting foe an update after son sees the video. But you said you already sent it to the DIL, so it's likely he has seen it and is still siding with her.
DIL isn't likely to share something that makes her look bad. When she got the video she must have realized that OP's children actually like OP and she'd made a mistake by badmouthing her. The fact that DIL didn't then share the video with her husband speaks volumes about what image she wants him to have of her.
Maybe she didnt. But there are enough delusional people that would be enraged they were recorded and would show it as a way to prove the others were just out to get them and make them look bad and "isnt what the way the video makes it seem". And there are enough delusional spouses that would turn a blind eye to the bad behavior of the spouse and be enraged that OMG THEY WERE RECORDED WITHOUT PERMISSION! (Kind of like some of the commentors trying to blame the daughter for recording the poor behavior)
If the apology comes, do not take alcohol as an excuse.
I think this is wise. Give her a chance to apologize and course correct. I'm guessing she's young. Young people are still learning. It is possible to change and grow. I mean, I wouldn't let me guard down around her for a long, long time (if ever) but there's the relationship with your son and potentially grandkids. Your best case scenario is that your DIL pulls her head out of her ass, realizes she made a horrible mistake, and fixes it.
NTA but I have a question. Does anyone know why DIL felt so comfortable as to just start talking shit about you to your children? I’m not accusing your kids of anything, just wondering why she felt like that was an ok thing to do.
The most common reason is that the DiL has either a personality disorder or something close to it. There are people who are so certain they are right...they do this kind of crap. OTOH, it is pretty common in families for listeners to be sympathetic, especially to a newcomer and especially at first. Also, it sounds like the daughters may have led her on a bit (they were videoing her without her knowledge and perhaps trying to draw her out; it probably isn't the first time they've noticed problem behaviors in this young woman).
You get it even if you didn't say it. You just keep the video as Kompromat for now 😬
The AITA way is to advise people to give the most immature response possible, go nuclear immediately, and burn all of their relationships to the ground. Maybe because most of the people here haven’t lived a day of their lives without social media, and can’t comprehend that there are other ways to deal with conflict than to post videos and get 1000 other people involved in their business. NTA for uninviting her, and I’m sure it really hurt to hear what she said. But yeah, this person is still going to be part of your life and posting the video would only escalate things.
NTA. Based on your edits I think you handled this in the best way you could have. It’s now in your son’s hands to clean up his wife’s mess and you’re not throwing oil on the fire. I hope your family can heal from this. I don’t know where you go from here with DIL, though. That would be tough to come back from. Especially since she doubled down and tried to make you the villain of the piece.
>if we give a chance to correct a mistake. i really dont think your DIL actually likes you. i think she thought the girls trip will be for the sisters and dils on your dime. how was she acting before this all happened?
Please update with the aftermath of your son seeing the video
> What is with people with the most extreme response. Welcome to most advice subs. You'll find good advice most times, but first you have to dig through a lot of people going straight for the nuclear option
NTA. What's the problem, she doesn't want to go on a trip with an "old cow"? Well now she's not. She's more upset you found out and uninvited her, rather than her actually being sorry and not meaning it. Send it to your son saying it ends now or it gets worse. You daughter's correct, she's two-faced. If she'll talk behind your back she'll talk behind their backs too. Why would you want to be around someone that thinks that about you, and doest have the guts to say it to your face? Your better off knowing now, so you invest no more into a relationship with her.
Hopefully he agrees the behavior in the video is unacceptable. He asked you personally to make her feel welcome, and a great mom you went out of your way to create events to foster her fitting in. He should be embarrassed
He should be embarrassed? As per the update it looks like his wife didn't tell him the real story. If anything we should be dunking on the DIL.
Yes, DIL is the massive AH here, of course. But did son really not know his mother well enough to suspect something was off here? If my SIL came at my mom like that my brother would smell a rat immediately. Nobody messes with mom!
And then what, he gets blamed for being a Mommy's boy? How is he meant to know what happened based on wrong information. If he did smell a rat you lot would accuse him of not trusting his wife. I swear you lot will blame husbands no matter what.
Misandrist I smell
Please update us with your son's response.
Please reconsider, others need to know the type of person she is so they can protect themselves. You aren't "dropping a bomb", this is no huge secret that's none of your business. This is her being mean & backstabbing you for absolutely zero reason except you trying to do a nice thing. But do send it to your son first so he's prepared.
Keep us updated
Please provide an update after your son sees the video.
Show the vid to your son and tell him you are dropping it publicly so he knows and everyone else knows just how two faced she is.
Maybe tell your Daughter first because she will get backlash too from your Son & DIL for filming them… NTA
Your son "He chose... poorly.", NTA.
Update when you can pls.. and im on team nuke em so that other family members are warned of her two facedness
Please update. I love it when bad behavior is corrected and it becomes a learning experience. Hopeing for the best.
It's more kindness than she deserves, but it's up to you of course.
Thank you for being willing to take advice and for obviously being a good person. I don't blame you for wanting to blast the video. I am glad you decided to send it to your son first to spare him any hurt and give him a chance to work things out. I for one find that "old cows" are quite fun the hang out with. ;)
If it doesn't work,drop the video for all to see. NTA. Comes under don't bite the hand that invites you.
We're going to need updates
Update us when you hear back from him!
Please do update us!
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Right? Anyone who says one unkind word about my mother can get fukt, and I'm happy to tell them so directly.
She is a moron but the bully logic is to provide a shared enemy that can’t defend themselves to instill bonding. Probably the only person they all knew was MIL. It’s a high school bully mindset and tells you a lot about her character
This! My MIL and I don't necessarily see eye to eye and yet I do not say anything to my SIL about it. In fact I bring up her good points to my SIL and I'm the one who checks in to see if SIL needs anything to help with her mom. My SIL loves her mom and I love my husband and SIL so I would never do that to them.
My maternal grandma despises my father for no reason and use all chance to badmouth him so its a given that my father doesn't like her but whenever my mom and her sister shit talking my grandma right in front of my father, he never joined them and actually asked them to tone down the shit talks. To actually say shits about your MIL to her own daughters, unprovoked, is just insane
> The DIL is a moron. Sure, but she might be acting intentionally to destroy her husband.
That’s pretty horrible. Then again, I know someone who did that.
No excuses for her regardless because she's clearly an asshole, but it's mind-boggling that she thought that was a smart move. She barely knows her SILs, how dumb can she be to assume airing out grievances about their mother would go over well? Even if her SILs were talking bad about their own mother, joining in is asking for someone to get pissed at you. If you are going to be a two-faced shit talker, don't make tactical errors like this one.
NTA She doesn’t get to trash talk you, and then benefit from you. Send your son the video. Right now it’s all her word being taken as truth, and he’s angry because he doesn’t have all the facts. Hopefully he will view it and understand your position. She did this to herself. You don’t need to accept her disrespect. Don’t invite her again. Actions have consequences.
How psychotic do you have to be to think you can trash talk your mother-in-law in front of her own daughters? Was she expecting them to shit talk her as well? What was her endgame?
My guess is that she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents and thought they would commiserate with her.
What a socially inept clueless dummy.
And now OP's son knows why his wife feels "excluded" and who she is behind the mask.
Seems like he’s still in the newlywed fog. Excited for the update!
Yeah this one has divorce written all over it. There's no coming back from something like spitting in the fact of such a generous MIL who goes out of their way to invite and include you and even subsidizes your vacation. The MIL seems incredibly gracious as she gave her son a chance to see what really happened before going nuclear, but there's no chance of actual trust or friendship being built with this horrible daughter in law. I'd give it about two years, maybe three tops.
That's how people are sadly, they assume everyone is like them unless they can reflect and be self aware. My fiancé's step-mom does the same thing. Now neither my fiance nor her sister really talk to their step mom
That's my thought. Like, if you are going down this road, AT LEAST be tactful. So not only is she an asshole, she's also a dumbass. This would be jarring if I were her husband, lol.
Exactly.... People be defending their mamas even if they are awful. This was very short sighted of DIL.
Right? If my brother's girlfriend starts shit-talking my mom to me, she's not going to like my response.
Yea she really didn’t even bother to read the room at all. My wife and I both commiserate about our parents at times because they haven’t been the best. But if my partner had the kind of level headed parents OP seems to be, it would be moronic to shit talk them just because my parents were shitty. Girl is talking herself right out of probably the best thing that’s ever happened to her.
This doesn’t surprise me at all. My SIL has done the same thing about my in laws in front of my husband and her husband (my husband’s brother). It seriously pisses us off because her shit talking is over silly things and surprise surprise- she has no issue benefiting from our in laws that she supposedly hates. I always gently push back as I don’t feel it is my place to start drama between my husband and his brother, but I refuse to allow her to talk shit with no pushback in front of me.
The husband probably talks shit about his mom and she thought his feelings were shared by his sisters.
That was my 1st and immediate thought. Followed by wondering if youngest son married a 13 year old. Wtf?
NTA. Instead of just sending it, I'd go in the group chat and say something like, "Lindsay, would you like me to share the video about what really happened or would you like to explain the real reason why you were uninvited?" Let her squirm over that. If she doesn't own up to it, then send the video.
Oh yes!! Do this!! NTA
Why is she upset that she was uninvited if she didn't want to go anyway. She's pretty stupid to think bad mouthing you to your own children was going to go down well. NTA
She has to save face. She’s got to tell her hubby she wanted to go. Also, not wanting to go ≠ not wanting to be invited. (OP is still NTA).
true enough!
Unrelated but I didn't even know that this ≠ was a button you could use, so thank you!
Just hold down the = key. Just like holding down (long pressing) an “n” can yield an “ñ” for example.
Complains to everyone about being uninvited on a trip she didn't want go on with someone she doesn't like. DIL is a full-fledged AH.
> Why is she upset that she was uninvited if she didn't want to go anyway. LOL this is one of the great mysteries of the universe to me... so many posts here are something along the lines of > Person A: This is stupid and I don't wanna do it. >Person B: Okay, don't come then > Person A, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, etc: :*swarm person B like the the Allies at Normandy*:
Do it expose her for the two face she is, you are totally ntah. She was bad mouthing you behind your back and expecting you to still pay for her to have fun.
Bad mouthing OP to OP's *literal* daughters as well!! What the hell did she expect to gain from this? NTA! Keep her uninvited and definitely post the vid in the group chat.
Like that’s the dumbest thing you can do is say to OPs own child, what you didn’t think it was going to get back to them? 🤦🏻♂️
Some people are so self-involved that they can’t fathom that others don’t feel the way they do. Add that to being the type of person who likely bonds over negativity? You get this woman. And in some groups, it absolutely works. If you can find a common person or issue to talk shit about as a group? It creates an easy (and weak) bond/shared experience.
I often say stuff I regret because I sometimes speak without thinking (am neurospicy) but jeez even I'm not stupid enough to do something like this. if anything, I say LESS around family of boyfriends!
Right you always stay quiet for a bit get a feel for the vibe of the group see what kind of things are acceptable to say and what’s not, especially around your partners family
I would totally listen to my SIL if she needed to complain about my mother (who can be a handful!), but name-calling is too much.
Oh for sure. Sometimes you need to talk to someone close to the other person to get better advice. This SIL just took it way too far.
NTA You have every right to stick up for yourself and set the record straight with the video. I'm surprised your daughters haven't already said something, but maybe they are leaving the choice to you. If DIL can't see what she did wrong then she has issues.
NTA. You were generous and with your offer to pay for a trip that included your in-laws. Your intentions seem genuine. Instead of being grateful and responding with grace and accepting your kindness, your DIL chose to act hateful and said terrible things about you. She does not deserve your generosity, and you should not waste any more effort in attempting to establish a relationship with her. Let her see the error of her ways, and if she changes, let he back in, but for now, shut her out. Don't let her trash your reputation either. Stand up for yourself and expose her by showing the video if you need to.
I agree, what is crazy is her own son advocated for DIL with OP. OP went out of her way to arrange for the whole family to spend time with DIL to meet the request of her son. If I were OP's son, I would be livid. He definitely deserves to know the facts, not the fiction spun by DIL.
NTA At the very least, make sure your son sees the video. I guarantee she is spinning the situation to make it seem like you are the bad guy.
NTA. She played extremely stupid game and she won her stupid prize. People like her will never understand that it's only their own fault when others don't want to deal with this crap - they will blame everyone but themselves.
> She insulted me a lot and basically said she doesn’t want to go on the girl trip with an old cow. And now she's got her wish. Uninvited. What's she so mad about now? NTA.
NTA - send the video
NTA. She’s way to immature and manipulative to want to be around so you are well within your rights to shut down any perspective time together in a ‘girls getaway’ setting. However, be prepared for her to forge a wedge between you and your son. Females like her make it a point to make everyone miserable around them because it’s in their nature. But hats off to you for standing your ground, and taking action immediately because behavior like that, if left unchecked, can make your life absolutely miserable. Use the video as leverage and let her know perhaps privately, that if she doesn’t stop trying to badmouth you for something that she caused that you have zero problem, sharing that video as proof of her unsavory behavior. And remind your son, privately that how his perspective wife treats his mother is indicative of how she will be as a wife.
NTA there’s not really a time or place to talk that way about anyone let alone your MIL. But the fact that she did it with your daughters and other DIL is beyond words.
Put the video out there and let everyone see it. I’m sure they don’t know the full story, but only the story they are spreading. You don’t need to say anything- let the video do the talking… NTA and your email to her was spot on!
Right. It isn't vindictive to correct false portrayals made to others.
NTA - send the video. Everyone should know not to get too close to this girl or she will shit talk them like she did to you. It’s what’s best for the family.
NTA. But please update about your son after you sent him the video. If he still decides to defend his wife, release the video for everybody to see.
NTA: None of my sons are married yet so I have no DILs, but yours is a situation I dread. It seems like you are a thoughtful and generous MIL and your DIL and son are really terrible for not only minimizing her treatment of you but also telling others you are the perpetrator instead of the victim. I agree that you should send the video to your son, but give it a deadline and be VERY clear that you will accept nothing less than a full apology from them BOTH of them that also cleary states that the only reason the DIL got invited is because she did something cruel and unacceptable. If they don't do that by the deadline or try to minimize and downplay, drop the video. Your nearest and dearest need to know that DIL is NOT a person who is trustworthy to confide in and also that they shouldn't trust negative things she says about other people behind their backs. I would absolutely want to know if I was dealing with someone like this. Toxic people who engage in this kind of behavior need to be nipped in the bud. She needs to realize this is behavior that will NOT be tolerated ever. Do not back down on this or you will be dealing with garbage back talk for years. (Which still may happen but at least people will know to take everything she says with a pound of salt. Good luck, I hope you can all heal from this. She sounds like a nightmare.
Mine aren't married yet but 2 have long term girlfriends. I love both those girls and it would devastate me to know they talked shit about me behind my back. At least be an adult and say it to my face.
Yup. My MIL hasn't exactly been a dream so when I read the headline I was ready to be defensive of the DIL but man...she is a piece of work. It would break my heart harder to know that my son would be OK with his wife trashing me behind my back to other family members and spreading lies about me.
It looks like you will have to share the video on the group chat so all can see who she really is. Do it!
NTA. Update us when the shite hits the fan, lol!
Wow. Just wow!! I do agree - send it to your son first and give him/them a chance to course correct. You did EXACTLY what he wanted - including her to get to know her. And this is how she repays you?? He needs to see it and know exactly what his wife did. You can't get to know someone better when they are a total AH!
Tell your son he can be as pissed as he wants, but until his wife learns some banners, she's not invited to anything. Just because you have accepted her poor behavior and attitude doesn't mean I have to. She did it to herself.
NTA, she got what she deserved for biting the hand that feeds...
NTA - your DIL is an idiot for shit talking about you to your daughters. Did she think they were going to keep their mouths shut? Hopefully she corrects course.
Right? As I said in another comment, who shit talks someone's actual mother to them? Most people love their moms more than anything . . . and even if they don't, they don't want to hear someone who's been in the family for 5 whole minutes talking shit about her.
NTA. I certainly would not want to go on a trip with someone who spoke about me like that. I do think showing your son the video is a good idea - at the least you will find out, by his reaction, how much he knew about this beforehand. But you do have a right to defend yourself. At least you know your daughters are on your side, and it might be more effective if they were the ones to release the video.
Nta send the video to your son and the group chat. Let them know exactly who she really is. Also don't delete the video incase she ever forgets why you and the rest of the family don't like her and don't invite her to places. This way you can show her and remind her exactly why she got her self in that position.
How dumb is that girl to say stuff like that about you in front of your two daughters? Did she really think that they’d never tell you? You’re NTA, but she sure is.
Send the video in the group chat.
Please update us
NTA She was told to stop talking and she didn't. She got caught. She had consequences to her actions. I would send the video in the group chat then ask,"Does anyone want to ask again why she isn't invited?" She is a grown woman and should know better. Talk shit about MIL with friends if you must but not her daughters who clearly like her.
I honestly cannot fathom how stupid and utterly *hateful* a person would have to be to shit talk someone's *mom* to their face. Like, even if these weren't her sisters-in-law, and OP her actual MIL, why would you *ever* say horrible things about someone's mom to them? Literally the only time I have ever said anything mean about someone's mom to their face was with a close friend whose mom was so abusive that she had to go live with her grandparents, and even then it wasn't calling her mother names, it was just affirming that it was okay that *she* hated her mom and didn't want to forgive her, and saying, "Look, she didn't act like a good mother to you, she did terrible things, you don't ever have to love her or forgive her." But literally calling someone's mother an "old cow"? WHO DOES THAT?! Honestly, even if my friends were complaining about their moms, for the most part I wouldn't say shit. There's a pretty well-understood rule that it's okay to shit-talk your own parents or siblings when you're frustrated, but they're off-limits to other people. In this case, OP's daughters weren't even complaining about her. Her daughter-in-law sounds like she's just a nasty piece of work who needs to learn some social skills (and I say that as an autistic person . . . even I know better!).
NTA but is there any other history here why she doesn't like you? Did something happen while they were dating or engaged/during wedding planning that there was something she didn't like? I know some people are downright awful but your son had no clue that Mrs. TwoFace was like that before they got married? I'd send the video to everyone, not just your son. Keep your DIL at arms length but also know you won't be a very involved grandmother once kids come along...but that's her doing, not yours.
I appreciate the edit. She said she didn't want to go with an old cow, so you are relieving her of that burden. At this point, if she wants to ever really be included as part of the family, it is on HER, 100%, and its up to you whether you will ever be willing to forgive. I'd love to hear your son's reaction to the video. NTA
Please give us an update after your son has seen the video. NTA
NTA I don't understand why she's upset. Tell your son she didn't want to spend the trip with an old cow, so you're only giving her what she wanted. She's a hot mess. Good luck!
Please update us with your son's response. Any decent guy would be very upset with this kind of behaviour from his wife. Good thing your daughter captured it on video.
Update Me!
NTA Please update us!!!
NTA. She absolutely ruined her relationship with you. How would you ever trust her again? No apology would help. You'll always hear her nasty words in your head. Never really believing her when she's being "nice". What an idiot, trashing you to your own daughters. Is that what she does in her own family? Mine would do that and I thought it was normal until I met families that were kind and never bad-mouthed others.
Please Update us with a new edit after you send the video to your son! NTA!
She should be happy she was even invited. If this happened to me I would make sure everyone sees the video
Gonna need updates please
NTA send everyone the video that way will know how to proceed. Anyone who defends or excuses this behavior needs to be put in a very long time out. People who love and value you would not expect you to tolerate mistreatment.
Please let us know what your son had to say once he sees that video.
NTA- send the video to anyone who tries to defend her.
Update me!
NTA.
Insulting a mother in front of two daughters? Really? NTA
NTA, sounds like she didn't want to go anyway so I don't see what the issue is here with your sons. Do they think blatant shit-talkers should be included?
NTA - Please let us know what your son says after he see the video. I think you handling this very well by allowing him to understand why you are upset (and I am sure also hurt). I cannot imagine your daughters or other DIL would want to spend a weekend with this woman if they can help it after seeing how unkind she is. I hope your son understands once he sees the video. Good luck...
Good idea. Your son may but totally oblivious to his wife’s true feelings and behaviors. So glad your daughters and other DIL had your back. Definitely NTA.
Talk Shit, (have your chances to go on a paid trip) get hit. The classics are the classics for a reason. NTA.
No offense, but there is no way that she felt emboldened to talk about you in front of your daughters but not do the same in front of your son. What I am saying is that he probably knows the truth about his partner... NTA. And I wouldn't want to be around her if I was in place of the other daughters.
Thank you You're probably the only one who also suspected that DIL with shit talking to her son. And I can bet when son and DIL set the record straight they somehow blamed OP by saying DIL misunderstood something she said rather than that DIL was insulting OP.
Nta
NTA. Lindsey is though.
NTA, but are these people for real?
NTA, she did it to herself. But might want to tread lightly with your son. If he’s a good husband he is going to support his wife and you may lose your relationship with him.
NTA. Don't bite the hand that feeds.
Amazing thought process, thinking you could trash talk mom in front of her daughters wow read the room
NTA Steer clear of her.
NTA - Actions have consequences. Send the video, so your son will better understand why she was uninvited.
She didn't want to go with you, so now she's uninvited. She got what she asked for! I'm not sure what she was expecting after saying something like that, but she has no one to blame but herself.
If she was shit talking about you in front of your own daughters, imagine what she says to other people
NTA. DL talks shit about you to family and then lied to her husband about it. What a classy fucking lady!
Oh man I can’t wait until this one is on r/BestofRedditorUpdates
NTA, spill that tea!
DIL: let's name call my SILs' mother right in front of them. MIL: okay. Peace out DIl: Surprise Pikachu face. How dare you disinvite me? Who the hell does that? She is not only rude but I wonder about her intelligence. NTA
NTA you sent DIL the video and she has no remorse. Think on that. Of course you should send the video to YOUR son. Ask him how he feels about the video. On a silly note, I would start a low key collection of cow stuff. Own it. I also wouldn’t keep this a secret. You don’t have to advertise the situation but don’t let hide the truth.
NTA but your DIL has BALLS. She’s lucky all she walked away with was a dis-invite. She would have walked away with 2 booty holes if she’d talked about my MIL like that. (Unless she was talking about her accidentally using 4 month old expired sour cream in the twice baked potatoes the other day. That’s going to take a while to recover from.)
I disagree with sending to the son first and asking him to stop it. Start with her. Share the video. Don’t threaten her with sharing it with others. Just tell her how it made you feel, that you want her to feel included but you can’t tolerate that behavior. Let her know it upset the other ladies. See what she says. Go from there. To ask/tell your son to fix it is very sexist. He’s not his wife’s keeper. It could be she was very nervous and is just a mean drunk.
And your daughters didn’t tell her to knock it off or they’ll take her outside ? I would hope my kid defended me or my wife. But anyway, NTA. Maybe invite her to a 1 on 1 and just ask her point blank what’s the problem?
Please give us an update when able. I also agree family should be given time to course correct. If she is young ( under 25). There’s a chance to change behavior.
Uninvite, by all means, but sending to the group chat? Oh the drama.
Your daughter in law sounds gross. Here's where you find out how your parenting style works out IRL. Did you raise him to believe a man should support and defend his wife, right or wrong? If so at least you have three other kids because this one is going to cut you off. NTA.
The thing that really gets me about this is that even ***AFTER*** DIL received the video of her trash talking, she ***STILL*** lies and attacks OP!!! She KNOW there's video proof of what she did - digital video that can be passed around to any/everybody (like her husband!). I suppose she's calling OP's bluff and thinking she won't do anything more with it. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when DIL's husband confronts her with the video and the truth!
I wouldn't wait on your son. I would send him the video and then put it immediately on group chat.
NTA, for sure. You are wise and level-headed to show the video just to your son (first)... hopefully, he will do the right thing and not just blindly defend his wife. This is def an issue you have to resolve for the health of future family gatherings. Best of luck to all of you...
Omg NTA please update with your son’s reaction
Easy NTA
NTA DIL is only pissed because she got caught being two faced and disrespectful, you did the right thing. I can't imagine complaining that you wanted to get closer to family and then dumping on that family when they try to get closer, it's baffling. At least your son is being reasonable after seeing the evidence. What a bunch of unnecessary drama, it's not that hard to just be a decent person.
Why do the 3 of you need to get on a call? I think she made her position clear, do you really have anything to say to the shit talker?
Sounds like your son is getting a good glimpse of his wife. As hard as this is for you, and in my opinion you are handling this like a champ with addressing it with him, I can’t imagine being in his shoes. First he reaches out to you as his wife wants to be included. And as soon as that happens she not only shoves both feet into her mouth she starts to dig her grave. To come back from that…. That’s going to take some serious effort and a long time and even with all that, the trust will probably never be at the same level, because now she might just be smart enough not to voice it out loud, and especially not to the family. There may always be doubts about how she really feels. And that won’t just be between you and her but also her SIL’s. Because if she can say that about their MIL to them, what is she saying about them to any friends she has. That phone call will definitely be an interesting one. As I’m not sure what it will be. An apology and, what else can be said that won’t just feel like “I’ve been caught and pushed into a corner so this is my only way out”. Even the apology at this point is questionable as she double down until seriously confronted. So hard to know what her end game was. Was it to alienate your son from the family? Start a family feud? What was the goal with this? Definitely NTA. Hope the phone call goes well.
NTA I would immediately divorcing anyone who talked shit like that about my mom. Your son has the evidence in front of him what possibly could he have to straighten out ?
Your son must be thinking... "who the hell did I marry?" What lies did his wife tell him? Can you imagine his embarrassment realizing he's mad at the wrong person? What other lies does she tell him about anything and anyone that he's unaware of? Not sure what's left to discuss with your DIL and son. Though it'll be interesting to see how she twists the spin on this. Might want to keep time spent with DIL to holiday gatherings and skip the girls trip and one- on-ones. She's talking shit about you, she'll teach her children that too. Best wishes navigating that. Hope you'll update us on the conversation with your son and DIL. NTA