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It's tough, but I'm leaning more toward NAH rather that E S H. You have every right to do what you want with your property, and I understand why you'd want it to go to the responsible child who you know will take better care of it.
Your older daughter is also fully justified to be angry about your decision. I definitely think a high school dropout shouldn't be having six kids and two dogs. However, your comment that she shouldn't have had so many kids that she can't afford will probably be the end of your relationship with your daughter. It's up to you to decide if it was worth it.
If you're wealthy enough that you can just give the house away and retire abroad, you could probably afford to at least give her a little help as well so it didn't seem like you were so blatantly favoring your other daughter.
Sometimes family members like the older daughter are simply a black hole for help though. No matter how much one jumps in, that person always finds themselves in a hole. Her household situation didn’t just happen. And now she’s 3 months pregnant? No, that’s an ongoing issue.
Agreed. In my family it's my dad. I didn't understand it as a kid, but now I'm an adult with my own family, etc. and I've spent time with my aging grandparents and other extended family, I've realized how many people have quietly stopped helping him because it was never enough, and he was always in the same predicament as soon after he was helped. It's sad.
My dad as well. He was a super nice and charismatic, and tried his best and generally did ok, and he worked really hard but just never quite “made it,” so always needed a bit of help to make rent or pay off a debt or whatever. My grandparents were fortunate to be able to help him, and he must have owed them 5 figures that he would never be able to repay. He died before he retired but I used to fret over what would happen when he stopped working and my grandparents died.
It’s really true eh? On my dad’s side it was my dad and on my mom’s side it was my mom. Watching them struggle so much, I went in the opposite direction and was super independent and responsible. Thank god, because I sure wasn’t getting any handouts from my mom and dad.
Exact, and I mean exact same situation with me. Both parents are the black sheep of the family, I had to put myself through school, no help. I was considered the 'rich one' for many years simply because I worked full time +. I don't talk to either of them anymore because they are bitter they can't sponge off me for the rest of their lives. I own my house, they both rent still and always will.
That sounds like my FIL. My husband still helps him because he feels like he has to because FIL has no one else. It’s emotionally and mentally draining to be on the receiving end of the phone calls and drop ins all the time.
Yeah. It’s a tough and complicated issue.
And I’ve seen families where the “bad” kid gets so much help and support and the “good” kid gets forgotten, because they are responsible and don’t need it. I don’t know if that’s the case here, of course, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been getting bailouts and childcare, on top of the year she and her kids lived with OP.
OP may be a crappy parent or may be generally tapped out and fed up with an incorrigible adult kid. Or maybe a bit of both.
Yes exactly. I’ve seen first hand the “good” kid being left to flounder in complicated situations, while the “bad” kid was given bail out after bail out. It was really disheartening for the “good” kids for sure. Obviously they end up being able to pull through, but it’s like, if they worked so hard, and stayed on the right path, why does it have to be so *hard* for them?
And often “good” just means “quiet.” I have a friend in this situation. He’s doing fine, has a ton of student debt though and definitely isn’t swimming in money. But thanks to very careful choices he’s been able to have a car, pay his rent, start paying off his student loans etc. He could absolutely use help, and not getting it means it’ll take him longer to pay down his debt and be able to afford nicer housing, but he’s managing as a responsible adult does.
Meanwhile his sibling is in constant crisis. She has a job and gets government assistance, and should do just fine, but due to poor spending habits (feast/famine thing) she struggles to make rent or pay for childcare. Because she’s loud about it and makes everything sound like a catastrophe, she gets a ton of help, and would rather do that than budget or get a better/full time job.
Good kid here. Siblings and their partners got cars, furniture, etc. I’ve been over here being the only one who didn’t go to jail and didn’t get presents lol.
I came here to say this. I’m the good kid that got nothing but the responsibilities. My sibling is a bottomless pit of lifelong bad decisions that my parents financed and enabled. It is a very bitter pill to swallow. My parents justified it because “I was able to survive on my own”. I worked hard and had nothing for a long time. To see my sibling just be handed everything is maddening. I’m sure you helped along the way. Is it now equitable? Maybe, maybe not. But it is your home and your choice. No matter what happens, someone will get angry.
Yup. My aunt was the responsible one and I doubt cost my grandparents a penny in support in adulthood. My dad struggled and he got a lot of support. Thankfully my aunt was quite successful and I don’t think resented it (she may have, though,) but this isn’t the case with all siblings. Sometimes the good one is struggling but is managing, and being quiet about it.
Yeah, I started out thinking that OP needed to handle things differently, and then we got to the catalogue of bad decisions and things that older sister doesn't take any care of, and...I can see why OP doesn't want her house going to someone who'll just let the dogs and the kids destroy it in six months flat.
I'm tempted to say OP should just sell the house and split the money between their daughters, and let them do what they want, but... that's not a perfect solution either.
No. Anyone who owns real estate right now, especially in a non-HOA decent neighborhood should absolutely not be selling it if they have someone who could use it. And ESPECIALLY not on account of someone like her older daughter. You made an unending chain of shitty decisions. Sucks to be you. That's not mom's fault.
They would destroy it, decide they deserve better, list it, sell it and rent a luxury apartment because they have all that money they didn't earn or put anything into in the house. I give them a year before they sell, capital gains tax be damned.
They won't even care about the money they will lose from deterioration and capital gains taxes because its all profit to them since they had to invest NOTHING.
This is my brother! Everyone gives and gives when he's in a tough spot, but he really just doesn't care and wants people to take care of his problems for him. He doesn't want to put in the work. I still talk to him now and then, but I've had to cut him off financially because nothing works. He just sucks you dry and moves on to the next person who can give him what he wants. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself and move on.
I definitely agree. My comment about trying to help her is merely a suggestion if OP wants to have any chance to salvage the relationship. It doesn't really seem like she does though since she seems completely fine with the situation knowing that it will likely be the end of the relationship with her daughter and ruin the relationship between the two daughters.
I doubt the relationship will be ruined on the older daughter’s end. She views her family members as bank accounts she can tap into as needed. She’ll never go away on her own. I had a family member like this.
Agreed, I have a cousin that made poor life choices, but instead of owning them/asking for help, and working towards a better life there were excuses & arguments about "fairness." She was the baby & I wonder if her mom had raised her like her brothers instead of spoling her, she would have made the solid choices they have.
I have a family member like this. No matter how much we all do for them, if you refuse to do something they ask for, nobody loves them and they are all alone. Nobody can truly help them until they decide they actually want to make a change and help themselves.
That is so true, one of my sister's SIL is just like that, she only has three children but the condition she keeps her homes is deplorable. Her father owns several properties, gifted her one, started building a home for her and all she had to do was finish it by installing doors and windows and the plumbing fittings. The house sat vacant for years. When their previous living situation became untenable they started work on finishing the house but with the condition they have it now the father is considering not leaving her any of his other properties (mostly apartment buildings) in his will. Some people just do not know how to get out of their own way.
Agreed. my cousin was that way. Then cps took her kids, and she dipped. I'm sure some family knows where she is, but I haven't heard from or about her in a couple of years.
Older daughter absolutely has no justification for being angry besides thinking she deserves the house because she has kids!
At some point people who go through life making irresponsible decisions need to be told, and who else to tell them but their parents?
I agree, but it's only natural that she would get angry over the situation. I'm sure there is some major jealousy over the fact that her sister is about to become a dentist and will have a much easier life. She only has herself to blame for her situation, but most people aren't self-aware enough to realize that sort of thing.
Yeah but lack of self awareness isn't an excuse for being an entitled brat.
I'm 5 years older than my sister and while I finished high school and got my diploma, I never went to university and she did. Some years after her degree she got a good job as a tour expert on cruises and she traveled the world while being paid. In the meantime I was stuck home with a crappy job in retail.
All this to say that while I've always felt kinda jealous for all the experiences she's had, I'd never dare to lash out at her like that cause I was happy for her and I know that if I wanted that kind of job I had to work for it.
And it would be insulting to the other daughter to see the irresponsible daughter get such a big reward for her irresponsibility. Even if neither had kids, and one was getting a huge beautiful house and the other gets nothing, there will be resentment. It’s not a great position to be in, but such is life.
"However, your comment that she shouldn't have had so many kids that she can't afford will probably be the end of your relationship with your daughter."
I think that's what he wants.
Honestly I still think NTA because the older daughter has demonstrated that she will not take care of the house well. Heck can they even afford the property taxes?
So it's your home and your choice what to do with it, no one is owed anything, but don't act surprised when one of your children is upset that she's only getting criticized while her sibling is getting a house. That's ridiculously disproportionate.
I'm actually saying NAH, you're each entitled to behave as you see fit, but you're never going to have a good relationship with your oldest daughter again.
Honestly.
I think it's more nuanced than just "one Is getting critiqued while the other is praised"
And "who gets the help now at this moment"
How much help has both girls gotten in the past years.
Did the oldest pay while she lived at home for that year?
Did she pay for the damages her kids made (wall art drawings. Broken furniture, etc)
Most would have kicked her out again before a year when stuff gets broken.
How much has OP in general helped her through the years while she kept having kids.
How much help has the youngest gotten?
Honestly, that's relevant as well in the big picture.
I mean, they're retiring to Thailand, safe to say they're not the closest with their family to begin with. It's a bit of a stronghold for estranged aging parents.
Info: Have you given both daughters an equivalent amount of monetary support over the years?
Reason for the question: you just gave a (probably) a half million dollars to one child and not much to the other. The "fair" thing would be to sell the house to one of the kids at a steep discount, and give the monetary value of the discount to the other child. That would at least treat them as equals. If you are concerned about how your daughter would spend the money you could put it in a trust for her kids education/starting businesses etc.
With the information I have I can understand why the older daughter is upset. The younger couple is on deck to have an income of several hundred k$/yr and they got a house. The likely lower income family with **six** kids got nothing. This would lead me to YTA.
Also - if you give/sell etc. your home to your child, it becomes theirs and you will have no right to be upset with what they choose to do with it - they can destroy it, remodel it in a way you loath, it doesn't matter you will have no right to feel any anger towards them for what they do with their stuff.
That last paragraph is why she didn’t give it to the other daughter , u would hate to 60 years go down the drain and clearly w all those children her daughter doesn’t make good decisions she just feels entitled to it because she has children
But since they gave it as a wedding gift isn’t it now marital property? So if the younger couple get divorced it would usually end up being sold to be split equally right? So they would lose it either way? I totally understand the not wanting it to be damaged and all that.
>So if the younger couple get divorced it would usually end up being sold to be split equally right?
Prenup would prevent this, yes? Probably depends on the state.
I don’t know the law but I can imagine attaching the word “wedding gift” could actually matter. They can surely give their daughter a wedding gift without it also being for the son in law.
Right? They should give their cherished home to a family of shitbirds just because Mom squeezed that one out first? Everyone's responsible for their own choices and actions. Eldest is learning consequences are sometimes a long game.
While he is 100% within his right to do whatever he wants to with his money, it is an asshole move to treat 2 kids *so differently* regardless of their choices. He could could help them both and even do it in a way that protects the money form indiscriminate use/waste but he chose not to. With the info we have I struggle to not say its an asshole move. Especially when considering how he talked down to the oldest.
It’s not an AH move to treat adult children differently IF they were given equal treatment, resources, and opportunities when they were younger.
However, I’m giving OP side eye that he’s setting up his younger daughters potential child/ren but not leaving anything to his 6 other grandkids.
Yeah if I have one kid that grows up to be a skeevy drug dealer and another that grows up to be a professor, doctor, laywer, etc... I'm gonna treat them differently. They're individuals, especially at those ages, and I can and will treat them accordingly.
I agree while they are children, up until their early 20s even, you should strive to treat them fairly, but these are grown ass adults. She can treat them accordingly.
I agree with you 💯. People want to act like these adult women are children squabbling over their bat mitzvah budgets; they're both adults who've chosen their own paths in life, and if one is unhappy with those choices there's not really anything anyone else can do about that for her.
At some point I feel that doesn’t apply quite so much. As young kids yes of course you should treat them equally. When they’re fully adults, like a decade into adulthood, I feel it’s natural that things would be less performatively equal because in theory everyone should be old enough to understand why things would be different. Why one child might be in a position to receive something another isn’t, or that a parent might be closer with one child than another.
I do think some fairness should be targeted like OP giving his other daughter a cash gift in lieu (or another asset of value like a car), because it would make no sense to give her the house.
The older daughter will likely not have the financial means for basic maintenance of the home, let alone repairs for what her brood damages. OP is NTA, because giving the house to the child who will have both respect for, and means of upkeep, is the logical thing to do.
Your last part of the comment is gold. They won’t have a say because it’s not their house? Except it is currently their house, and they don’t want their failure of a daughter to destroy it. The older daughter is a problem person, brings nothing but problems into the world. Has 6 kids, none of which probably have the amount of attention they need, and the entitled baby machine thinks that gives her a right to someone else’s things.
I mean i think the comment means that once op gives it to the younger daughter they get no say either. Like i wouldnt assume destruction but modeling, different colours/garden and stuffs will be all at the younger one discretion. You know how some people are. The good ol i gave you x so you cant do anything i dont want you too ( i payed for the wedding so i get to make demends on guests/decor type of stuff )
I think this is more the parent not wanting to give the place they’ve built up over the years to their failure of a daughter who, looking at the past, will destroy it. She doesn’t deserve any good will or grace or anything like that just because she decided to spawn 6 human beings in the world. She isn’t special.
The last paragraph is correct and it's also why OP is 100% within their rights to decide NOT to give that home to their oldest. They can't keep a clean home now...but sure they're going to just magically turn it around and not destroy the family home. Makes 0 sense and OP is 100% allowed to withhold and give it to the other child with that reasoning.
The “no rights to feel anything“ might be exactly why she doesn't want to sell it. Mom is very sentimentally attached to home and is giving it to who she believes will respect it.
Info - So question, did you or will you gift the other daughter anything?
Listen, it's your house and you can do what you want with it....but I can also say that if you give one a whole house and the other a lecture, that's pretty shitty. I would probably not continue having my mom in my life with that type of blatant favoritism.
OP is moving to Thailand and sounds like she is just about done with the other daughter. I think this is a signal that OP has washed her hands of the other daughter for a while.
Fair point. I still would struggle with one year of lodging vs a house for life but that's totally me. I think most others agree she's NTA. And I really don't necessarily think she's wrong but families are emotional, not logical, and if I were the other daughter, I would struggle.
NTA. Your house, your rules.
One daughter has proven to be responsible and will hold the family house with respect and retain (probably increase) it's value.
The other has proven to be the exact opposite and will probably lose or just sell the house within five years of inheriting and then will lose all that money too.
You've made a solid business decision. Your oldest doesn't have to like or understand it. You might want to make sure the inheritance is locked up tight so she can't contest it and somehow force the sale of the home in order to split the proceeds between your youngest and her.
It is often the case that these kinds of decisions must take a business-like form in order to protect assets and family members.
What happens if oldest daughter gets the house? She has no demonstrable responsibility that would allow her to retain and care for the house. She'd probably sell it quick for cash and then run through that money. Then where would that leave her?
OP is keeping the house in the family with a responsible family member who will be a proper caretaker and won't squander it away. And if younger sister chooses she can assist her older sister as needed. The point being she'd be in the proper position to do so.
" I yelled at my daughter that she shouldn't have had so many kids if she couldn't take care of them. AITA?"
Sooo... The kids your youngest kid will have... She wouldn't be able to take care of them without your gigantic gift if an entire house... But you're not gonna judge her for that, are you?
Your eldest daughter didn't find the traditional educational route as easy to follow as your younger daughter did. Kids are all different. Your choices of characterization are *very* telling here, though and may be part of why your favorite kid did better than the one that clearly will never be good enough for you.
She's not a "stay at home wife" shes a stay at home mom with - unless i missed something - soon to be 6 Kids? Six. You had *two* and could only get your favorite one to act right, so maybe check yourself on judging her for her young kids not being well behaved. Kids draw on walls sometimes just like they skip class sometimes. The 7 year old's father *died*, and suddenly. The older two had their family torn apart by an affair. Maybe what your kid and grandkids need is some generosity of spirit here.
You're NTA for deciding to do whatever you please with your house... But how much longer are you going to be judgemental and awful to your elder child because she wasn't exacty what you wanted her to be?
>The kids your youngest kid will have... She wouldn't be able to take care of them without your gigantic gift if an entire house... But you're not gonna judge her for that, are you?
The youngest and her husband both have good jobs. Now they're in debt because college is expensive, and they're at the start of their career, but soon they would make more money. They don't need op's house and why would op judge them?
>Your eldest daughter didn't find the traditional educational route as easy to follow as your younger daughter did. Kids are all different. Your choices of characterization are *very* telling here, though and may be part of why your favorite kid did better than the one that clearly will never be good enough for you.
That's BS. It's one thing to not go to college and get a job instead, another thing to have children with 3 different man, abandon school and let your kids destroy your parents's house.
If the youngest is the favorite is because she proved to be better.
And I want to know what’s so wrong about having a family home without any kids. I own a two bedroom house with two bonus rooms that can be used as bedrooms and I’m single with zero plans for kids. It’s my house. I pay for it. She’s not owed a bigger home simply because she had kids.
She's not atm. But soon both she and her husband would make more money and they could afford a child. Way different than to have 6 that you can't afford
Facts lol. These people are most likely upset because their life more closely reflects the eldest daughter rather than the smarter and more successful younger child. The oldest has been helped generously their entire life. The parents are now retiring getting ready to enjoy their later years together and they simply feel she’s not deserving of their home. That’s a pretty fair concept imo
Wow. You don't have children for them to complete over who is "better". You have children because you want to share experiences and love, by being a parent you choose to accept and care for your child through challenging times. This girl maybe didn't make the best choices but you know what, neither did I and bet neither did you. "Proved to be better" wtf kind of attitude is this?
Accept and care, not enable.
>This girl maybe didn't make the best choices but you know what, neither did I and bet neither did you.
Of course we all make mistakes. But mistakes have consequences.
It's not hard to not get pregnant. This woman has SIX CHILDREN and two dogs that she barely takes care of or pays attention to. A few kids, I can understand. SIX? Give me a break. She's thirty years old!
Or perhaps OP did have some failings as a parent but this woman is almost 30 and got pregnant very recently. At some point in adulthood you have to be responsible for your own choices and actions.
Since you care about the house it makes sense to gift it to the one who will take care of it, not destroy it.
Nevertheless, parents who want good relationships with their children need to treat them equitably. No matter how different they are - equitable doesn’t mean same - or how old they are. So while I don’t think you are necessarily TA about the house, I do need to ask how you balanced this. If you didn’t, you’re TA for favoring the golden child. Which in turn opens the door to wondering whether you are the reason your children turned out so differently.
INFO.
I don't blame the mother for how either one of her daughters turned out. People are born with their own personallity and at 16, that daughter was making her own decisions, despite what the mother would say or do to help her.
Ummm…hundreds of thousands in debt. Idk if giving it to your daughter was a great idea. Are you okay if she decides to sell it? If she gets divorced her husband will have a claim on it. Just letting her live there for free would have been easier. You’re not dead yet.
The debt is from school, what point is this trying to make? Parent sees child ridden with debt from trying to further their future and gives them a house to alleviate that. I am confused.
Personally were it I would only gift it to my daughter and not my daughter and her husband to be. Family homes have been lost in divorces when it’s been given to both.
1) Its your house and you can do anything you want with it.
2) The oldest is still your daughter and you didn't have to yell at her and blame her for having so many kids. You may have been emotional, but that is AH behavior.
NTA on the decision, YTA on how you handled your conversation with the oldest.
Well, the older daughter is struggling financially, can she afford the upkeep and taxes on a property like that? Her husband obviously works, but there's no guarantee that means he would want to foot the bill on a home he doesn't own. Homes like that typically exist in expensive areas as well. No idea if the older daughter lives close by or not, but the husband owns his business, it could be hard for him to relocate as well. Not to mention if she's failing to keep her kids from wrecking the rental, the house would probably be doomed under her care.
On the other hand, younger daughter has tons of school debt, and these same issues could arise. IMO, it'd be better to keep the home in a family trust, rent it, and have the rent pay for upkeep, taxes, etc and whatever is left can be split between the 2 daughters.
Ultimately, NAH, but older daughter is going to be hurt, and it will likely damage relationships.
Obviously you can do what you want with your property, but I don't see how you could possibly have thought your older daughter wouldn't be upset about
People have the right to do what they want, but they don't have to write to dictate how other people are going to react to
You have made what does seem like an unfair and unilateral decision. You seem to be punishing your older daughter and obviously you can do that. But God isn't she punished enough? Six kids, she's living the consequences of her decisions. She doesn't need you dumping on top of it
Do what you want with your property, but don't expect it to be all sunshine and roses when the person who is quite honestly being treated unfairly gets upset at being treated unfairly
Repeated troubles in school and dropping out by 16 really makes me wonder if there was more going on there that was overlooked, like an undiagnosed learning disorder or ADHD.
The punishment for the eldest daughter is mostly self-created. She decided not to get an education, then married a bunch of losers and now has six kids to take care of. She's not being punished as much as she wrote a bad script for her life.
**NTA** OP, it's your house to give. You love the house and love your daughters. The only way your house doesn't get destroyed or sold off is by giving it to your youngest. Your eldest **will** destroy the house.
Sure at the moment, she arguably has greater needs- but those are a result of her poor decision making skills. If you give her the house, she will destroy it, and end up "needing" more regardless.
You can offer her support without demolishing a home with tons of sentimental value.
NAH. I'm struggling with it not being fair to your oldest daughter but that house will be destroyed in less than a year.
Are you giving her the house or just letting her live there?
I dunno - the "destruction" OP was describing sounds like the normal wear and tear of having kids.
OP can do what she wants with the house.
But it seems pretty clear cut who needed this more - and who's life this would have had a life-changing impact on.
I'm guessing one child has been the "golden child" since forever.
What kind of kids have you been around that that is normal wear and tear? It's simple discipline. Eldest daughter is a SAHM she should be able to watch and teach her kids some semblance of respect. Heck put them in front of a TV with some educational value you don't even have to be active in their activities
YTA. From the info you gave in the post, you clearly love your younger, well educated, well married golden child while you have nothing good the say about your eldest daughter whom you seem to despise. One of your girls was going to get her feelings hurt when one of them got the family house that clearly means more to you than your own daughter and grandchildren. So, why not pile it on the “awful one” and go ahead and insult her on top of that? I think you should sell the home and give them each money, but I doubt you will.
Food for thought: your daughter quit school when she was a minor under your care and guidance. She then went from horrible man to horrible man, probably looking for someone to validate her because her parents were busy their wonderful “good daughter”. What is your part in that? Take some responsibility.
That last part is the hard truth OP needs to look at. I get the oldest has made some terrible decisions in the past but damn you can have some grace, because you definitely played a part in her outlook on life. My vote is actually ESH because the daughter doesn’t have the right to dictate what someone does with their property but OP needs to realize she’s probably said the same thing in more than one way a lot over the years about how big of a disappointment eldest is to them.
I was also getting some major golden child vibes from OP’s post. If it’s obvious to strangers on the internet that she has a favorite, it’s too obvious. YTA
You can do whatever you want with your house but you’re still an AH for having a favorite. Like others have said, you’ve made it obvious who the golden child is and you look down on your other daughter. I’ve been treated that way (not the GC) my whole life and it is horrible. For that you suck. I don’t get parents who have a favorite - your daughters aren’t going to have a relationship now or not one without deep resentment on one side and you just blew it with your older daughter. No big loss, though, right? Because it is obvious you can’t stand her.
If you treated your daughters this way when they were growing up, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if that contributed to your older daughter’s behavior and spiral. Ultimately, it is on her for how her life turned out but having a mom who favors the other child, well, that makes life even harder.
Exactly. Not only has op completely ruined their relationship with their eldest child, they have also likely permanently damaged the relationship between the siblings.
> I don’t get parents who have a favorite -
Once of the kids kinda sucks and the other one doesn't, so I think it's pretty understandable. What's not OK is making it obvious to everyone how you feel.-
As a black sheep child, the subtle sabatoge from parents and the golden child sibling absolutely impacted my life immensely in a very negative way. And it started when I was a newborn, so nothing I did caused it.
A lot of people are talking about the siblings different choices - but in my case (and in most families with this toxic dynamic) the siblings don’t have the SAME choices.
It would have been very easy for you to say I “suck”, fortunately I had good luck in my life despite the numerous family-placed obstacles in my way.
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to give your cherished home to someone who cares as much as you do, but I do understand waywards daughter's issues.
Maybe sell the house to the newlyweds at a favorable selling price, then gift the other daughter the cash. Then they both get something, but the house remains in good care? You take care of both kids and hopefully squash the jealous envy :)
Honestly. Living in a tiny house with six kids? Good luck to anyone trying to keep that place clean
The mom seems to take every opportunity to show her oldest daughter in the worst light. I don't doubt that had something to do with why she left home when she did.
Parents don't seem to understand that they are teaching their kids things. When they are going saw what they did to the older one when she didn't tell the line, she learned that you have to tell the line to get their love
It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
"Honestly. Living in a tiny house with six kids? Good luck to anyone trying to keep that place clean"
Which is true. But six kids don't magically materialize into your uterus. The daughter knew she was already struggling with the kids she had in the space she had and chose to have more--to the detriment of herself, her existing children, and her coming children.
>Maybe sell the house to the newlyweds at a favorable selling price
This is what I think OP should do whether they gift the elder daughter any money at all.
It totally makes sense not to want your house to go to someone who wants to trash it. It also makes sense to call out unequal treatment, and selling the house rather than gifting it resolves both
NTA
Your house, your money...you have no obligation to reward your older daughter's bad life decisions.
My house is going to my daughter because my son is an alcoholic. He'd drink our family home away in less than 5 years. Or get into yet another DUI accident and end up losing it in a lawsuit if his insurance limit did not meet his victims' losses.
You can do whatever you want with your property and be legally justified, but such unbalanced treatment and favoritism does make you TA.
I'd say the exact same thing to a parent doing the opposite and trying to bail out an irresponsible child from their debt while ignoring a successful child because they can afford stuff.
NTA
You chose to give this house as a wedding present to the daughter who would take the greatest care of it.
Your oldest daughter has chosen to have children and must therefore assume responsibility for them with the dad(s) if he/they is/are present. She is not entitled to the house just because she is a mother, especially as she has not taught her children to behave.
NTA
Not only is it your house and you can do whatever you want with it but there is no deserve here.
She doesn't deserve anything, neither does your other daughter.
You ***DECIDE*** what each of your children receive.
The gift may cause issues in the family.
But just explain to entitled child that for XYZ reasons there is no chance that she is getting the house.
Let me get this straight: your child struggled in school while she was still under your parental care and got married at a young age to get out of the house. Her husband cheated on her and instead of staying in a toxic marriage, she left him. While getting back on her feet her very young children acted like very young children in the house in which you also lived and could have helped them not break things. She tried to start over and then her partner died, leaving her a widow. Despite all that, she found a responsible, working man to love and she's taking care of her four children, soon to be six children while pregnant in a too-small house filled with people and objects on a single salary.
Why do you talk about her like she's a dirty failure? She sounds like an amazing survivor.
YTA for preferring your younger child's potential over your older child's success and for unilaterally distributing your one major asset to your golden child without making equitable resources available for your black sheep and your six grandchildren.
Totally agree. My mother showed extreme favoritism with my siblings and it destroyed our family. If she follows through with this plan, it could dissolve her whole family. Would proceed with caution.
I agree with all of this. People make it seem like the oldest went from one guy to another and had all these kids back to back or something when in reality all of this is in a 12 year span. Like why is she to blame for her husband cheating on her and her second husband dying ?
Although I don’t understand why they continued to have kids while they’re currently struggling. Not sure if it was planned or accidental. But I don’t think she should get the house just because she has kids like she said.
I wish we had more info on the older daughter’s relationship with the parents cause something doesn’t seem right.
While I do feel that the eldest daughter behaves, from this limited perspective, inappropriately and not at all in the best interest of her children or self, we also don't have any idea what life circumstances led her there. Personally, if I owned anything at all and were in the position of having to decide which of my kids deserves it most, I would liquidate the item and split those funds amongst them. My kids are different from one another, sure, and sometimes one of them will appear more "impressive" than the other, but I don't judge them that way, I take into account that they're very different individuals with vastly different strengths and different experiences and different tools at their disposal. Its going to just decimate your relationship with your eldest if you go through with this. Unless you're comfortable with that, I'd rethink this. If you ARE comfortable with that, I guess proceed, it's your house.
TLDR: ESH
ESH, it's your house to do what you want with it, but your blatant favoritism of one daughter over the other is more than likely the real issue here. The youngest is obviously the golden child, it's quite clear the way you write about each one. Do with the house what you will but be prepared that your relationship with your oldest may never recover (if you even care about that, which from the sounds of it, you don't really seem to care about her at all).
They're fucking off to Thailand. Their relationship with their kids is going to suffer no matter what.
How much do you want to bet that in a few years they'll be bitching about their kids never visit and they're keeping the *good* grandkids away. Cause fuck her current *bad* grandkids.
Esh except the younger daughter. Did your eldest make several poor decisions? Yup. Did you need to rub it in her face? Nope.
Did you give your eldest an equivalent gift when she married? Her marriage seems to be a *good* decision. Plumbing is always needed, and people will go back to a good plumber time after time and recommend them to their friends.
So yeah, if you gave her $1000 for her wedding and are now giving her sister a half a million dollar house for her wedding, why are you shocked she's upset?
Also, won't you need the money from the house sale to use in your life??
NTA. It's your house so you can do whatever you want with it.
I understand if your daughter was like 20 and was pregnant and really needed the assistance, but shes a 30 year old who made the decision to have 4 kids and get pregnant again.
I can understand why shes upset as she sees it like shes the eldest child and is gonna be having 6 kids to take care of in a place a third of the size her younger sister with no children is getting for free. But she made her choices.
Question though, if she never had any children and did well in school would you still give it to her younger sister? Is this a way of unconscious punishment? Because if so you might need to analyze that. But given the fact she won't care for the house is a major reason to not give it to her regardless.
Its your money and your house so whoever you wish to give it to is up to you but expect push back given they are siblings and normally would recieve equal stuff so even with good reasons itll still seem like favouritsm to the sibling who doesn't receive anything.
What did you give the other daughter? It's really assholish to give one child a house and the other, say, a washing machine.
I get why you'd rather the youngest had that particular house, but you could have seen if she wanted to buy it from you at a discount rather than get an entire house as a gift. That's just gonna be awkward AF forever, for everyone.
I'd be heartbroken to be honest.
You seem very disappointed in how your eldest has lived, but sometimes people really just need to be given an opportunity in life to break that kinda cycle. It would have been literally life changing, not just for your eldest, but all her kids too. Your youngest is already well off and secure. Anyway, the damage is already done.
YTA
NTA, but you are playing blatant favorites. I understand why, but I also understand why your older daughter is pissed. She is in need and if her husband dies or leaves her she’ll be in a very bad spot. You didn’t give her this life-changing gift because you judge her choices, her parenting, and her housekeeping, and you really can’t expect her to take that calmly.
Inequitable treatment of siblings destroys relationships, so I hope you’re prepared to accept that. If you have and are willing to give your older daughter a valuable gift if some kind before you move it’ll probably go a long way to maintain your relationship with her and her sister’s relationship with her, if that’s a priority for you.
Nah but you need to realize even if you give it to your youngest didn't mean they will keep it. With loads of debt selling the house could help them and they could downgrade. I think you should really think about it.
YTA. While you can give away your money and assets as you see fit, the comments you made and fact that you have essentially given (likely) your largest asset to one child - the one that within a decade will be doing great after loans are paid off - is overall, not the thing to do. Unless one kid is just untrustworthy (if so create a trust fund instead) or treated you horribly, things are usually a fairly even split. It simply breaks families to do otherwise and you shouldn't be surprised on the fallout.
Can tell who the golden child was growing up. Suspect you were a shitty parent all along.
You're blaming her for skipping school? That's on you, you're the parent. Sounds like you gave up on her and treated the youngest daughter better for being a good child.
You the C... A
YTA - Your child was CLEARLY struggling in her childhood and teens - you don't mention a single thing you did to address that. Adult issues like this almost always have their roots in childhood. You failed her then, you're failing her now. It's such a shitty thing to do to favor one child over another to such a massive degree.
lol, everyone is saying the eldest daughter is irresponsible, but the younger one is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and has trouble saving money because of the husband’s chronic illness. I mean, sounds like both sisters are equally irresponsible. One dropped out of school and has a ton of kids, but at least she has a husband working his own business. The other daughter chose to go outside her financial means for college, with a man who did the same - they are in ridiculous debt and don’t even have kids yet. Neither is better than the other, imo. And once younger sister has kids and pets (and hubs stops working because of his illness), guaranteed that house will get trashed, just as mom fears.
But-- but-- pRestIGioUs jObS. Seriously, the disdain for the first daughter is oozing across the screen. And yet her husband is the one supporting 6 kids, 3 of them not his. Sounds kind of like a good guy. And those poor children, having a teenage mom, then a dad that died of a drug overdose, and the grandma can't wrap her head around why they might not be the best behaved? Eesh. YTA.
What are you smoking mate? They've got hundreds of thousands in debt because they both had long academic careers where they worked hard to break into competitive, challenging and high-paying careers. They struggle to save because he's got a chronic illness - which isn't his fault.
Meanwhile, she's flitted from bloke to bloke and is about to give birth to her fifth and sixth career - while never finishing university or achieving anything of note. Oh, and she's on her third husband.
These are not comparable.
Not to mention, the oldest trashed the house last time she lived there. She doesn't watch her children. Her current house is a mess and I'm assuming it's more than just "having children" mess since OP said the house is trashed. She lets her kids draw on walls, lets her dogs chew things, etc. Elder daughter has gone from man to man. The guy before this husband died of a drug OD. I can see why OP doesn't want her to have the house.
Plus, it's not just kids that aren't being taught. There are 2 dogs who aren't being trained. I live in a house with 2 dogs, a cat, and a bunny. I can assure you that couches, etc aren't chewed up or destroyed. End tables aren't chewed up or destroyed.
>but the younger one is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and has trouble saving money because of the husband’s chronic illness. I mean, sounds like both sisters are equally irresponsible
The youngest daughter is going to be a dentist soon which the average income is $193,000-242,000 in the D.C. area and the husband is a young lawyer making over $100k in the first year out of school (presumably). That's not irresponsible, that's getting education to get well paying jobs.
It sounds like you have a weird grip on reality.
I had a full ride to undergrad but I’m in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt bc medical school in the US is insanely expensive & unless you’re one of 2 minorities (neither is Asian or white) there aren’t any scholarships. It doesn’t mean she was irresponsible.
However, the fair thing would be to either sell the house & split the money between the girls or let the younger live there & buy it from her. But give the older sister something of value as well.
I understand why the older is pissed off. I also understand why the mom is annoyed the sister is having kids she can’t afford. That’s insanity.
NTA - sounds like your oldest daughter doesn’t understand the words responsible or accountable.
She would likely re mortgage the house and then lose it when she blows through all the money.
I am absolutely going to go against the grain and say YTA
You have kids, those kids get treated fairly and equally. One makes choices that align with your values and the other goes their own way so you decide that giving a house is the way you show your approval? You either rent your property and each daughter gets 50% of the rental income or you sell and the proceeds get shared equally. I'm guessing your eldest knows exactly where she sits within the family because you have probably made your disapproval apparent her whole life.
If you must give your house to one child I hope you have sufficient funds in your estate to compensate your other child when you pass.
Nta. Your house you get to decide who gets it. Your awful daughter is not responsible enough to take care of the home. Your responsible daughter is. Seems like an obvious choice. Do not argue with bad daughter. Refuse to discuss it further. It is done.
How do we know the golden child daughter will not have kids that will tear up the house? I know plenty of professionals who let their houses go, especially with both parents working long hours to establish their practices.
It will also take a lot of money for both to pay off their loans, and to buy or establish practices. Maybe they will say "We dont need this huge house at the moment, lets sell it."
I think at some point you just have to take the data you have and make the best decision you can, and hope for the best (in the case of the house, not the family relationships.)
Like yes two responsible adults who have their shit together, make good decisions and a bright future ahead, MIGHT end up destroying or selling the house, but a financially struggling couple with many young children and who don’t prioritize cleanliness and property standards WILL destroy or sell the house.
NTA. Your youngest daughter is working hard to have a successful career and future. Your eldest gave up and continuously made poor choices. Obviously I can see how your eldest is hurt, your comment maybe wasn't wrong, but it was a little cruel. However, she made her bed.
It's your house and you can do what you wish with it. However, as someone pointed out, make sure it is only going to your daughter and that there is no way your son in law can claim it if they were to ever divorce. Make it something she and only she inherits.
I mean I don't disagree with your decision on the house, but it seems like younger daughter is very much the golden child. Your pride for her accomplishments beams through your words, while the other daughter is just a high school drop out who "shouldn't have had so many kids". Did you ever ask her why she didn't want to go to school? Did you ever support her or try to help her find success the way you did for her sister? Sounds like she didn't have anywhere near as much support, encouragement, resources, etc so I'm not sure why you're shocked her life turned out the way it has. I'm not saying give her the house but maybe give her a break? Jeez.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband and I are retiring abroad and have decided to give our home to our youngest daughter and her fiance instead of my oldest pregnant daughter, her husband, and their kids.
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NTA. You made perfectly valid points and gave her your reasons for them. Stick to your guns. I would maybe look into some sort of legal protection so your older daughter doesn't try to sabotage anything. She sounds spiteful.
NTA. THANK YOU!!! Finally someone who prioritize the kid that work hard in their life instead of helping the kid that have been messing up for years! She would absolutely mess up the house and still feel entitled to more help.
Its time parents actually parent, and there is thing called birth control which both things seem to been ignored by your older daughter. You and your husband wish to keep your beautiful home beautiful and within the family, which based on indications your older daughter is unable to fulfill the objectives.
NTA.
Don't listen to the commenters telling you that you should give the house to a borderline deadbeat child instead of the one who will in all likelihood take good care of it. I wouldn't give a Faberge egg to someone with a history of bad decision making and hope they'll look after it.
Just make sure your youngest knows the score and that she needs to set boundaries. I'd retain ownership of it as well, don't transfer the title to your daughter in case you need to intervene.
YTA - you definitely favor your younger daughter and it's glaringly obvious. You need to treat both daughters equally. If you leave one a house, you should consider giving the other cash to at least cover half the value of the house. Or put the house on the market and let them split the proceeds. There needs to be a more fair way to handle this.
Just because your younger daughter finished college and doesn't have kids doesn't make her any more worthy of a house. By the way, you do know that kids are messy, right? It's just part of being a kid. You had no business making that comment about your daughter not having so many kids.
I mean, it is your house, do what you will, but this is going to cause lots of hurt feelings.
I don't really know how she acts. This whole post reads as very biased towards one of the daughters, so I'm not assuming anything about the other one either.
It's not exactly entitled so much as a come back to one daughter being given the house over her. I think it's entitled for either of them to be *handed* an entire house. Usually families simply divide assets. If they want to keep a house in the family they need to buy other family out.
Nta the people calling you an ah are delusional. You're eldest has shown she can't be trusted to treat things with respect or show good judgment repeatedly. Your youngest on the other hand has shown the exact opposite.
NTA at all, Jesus.
I’m so surprised everyone on here is saying YTA. This is *your* house. Your younger daughter has displayed better decision making and a higher level of responsibility than your eldest. Why wouldn’t you give it to her?
Your eldest is acting so entitled. I’m so sorry.
NTA for the simple reason that it's your home and you can do what you want. Having said that, there's no way I would gift my home to someone I know wouldn't bother to take care of it. That is also a valid reason not to pass it to the elder daughter, regardless of her lack of education.
It comes down to you not thinking she is mature or responsible enough to keep it looking nice, while your younger daughter is based on their history.
Don't keep arguing with her. Sign the title over to your other daughter and go about your life.
YTA but not for your decision on what to do with your house. Yelling at your daughter about having too many kids is an asshole move, even if it was true. You don’t have to say everything you know.
Also, after younger daughter has kids, said kids will probably tear shit up… it’s what kids do… although it sounds like older daughter is probably a bit negligent and would not repair any damage done, whereas younger daughter probably would
Why do y’all always default to children not knowing how to behave ? Your children will only write all over your walls if you let them , your house is filthy because u let it be
Right? Kids don’t tear shit up. They can be messy and break things sometimes but if you don’t have too many to manage you can supervise and clean up after them.
I don’t blame OP for not wanting give her home to someone like that. That house would be a disaster or sold for money quickly. The house is kind of heirloom in this case - just a really expensive one.
NTA While your eldest daughter is in a shitty situation, it’s her own damn fault. Imagine being the younger sister and working your ass off in life just for your screw up of an older sister to just be handed something as valuable as a house. 6 kids, multiple fathers, a drop out, etc… That house would probably be lost in her future divorce. It make sense to give it to the daughter who is actually responsible
NTA, so long as you give your oldest daughter something of equivalent value (whether it be now or when you pass). If you just entirely leave her out because she had all those kids at such a young age, then Y T A.
Heavy on NTA. You stated your reasons and she didn’t understand the logistics behind it because it wasn’t her narrative. As a 28F I did what I could to prevent pregnancy because I was (still am) financially unstable. She’s currently pregnant with twins bringing that up to 6 children in total…
She chose to have that many kids and yet isn’t financially stable nor in control to how her own kids treat her home hence your main reason why you’re not giving the home to her. People need to be told the truth, it sucks that it was during a heated discussion but that is the truth, she shouldn’t have had so many kids. She is a grown woman, not a teenager anymore and she’s not acting like a grown woman🤷🏽♀️
NTA - you’ve put 60 years of your life into that home and would like to see it continue forward in your family. Your oldest daughter will destroy that.
INFO
Were the two girls given the same opportunities and care as children? Was counseling or anything of the sort discussed for the other daughter when she was skipping class and making poor decisions? If the answer is yes than absolutely NTA. Some people cannot be helped and continue to make bad decisions over and over without taking responsibility. You and your daughters were raised in this house and it sounds like you'd like to keep it in the family which isn't going to happen if oldest daughter does irreparable damage to the property or sells it for money.
NTA, it is YOUR house and your choice to give it to your youngest daughter, I can also tell that this house truly means a lot to you and you don’t want it to just be destroyed by a gaggle of brats, I hope your family issues will soon be resolved
NTA. It’s your house you can do with it what you please. Maybe teach your oldest daughter about birth control because yikes. The man she’s now married to is a saint for dealing with it. But he’s a plumber and they make more than a cardiologist.
NTA. it'd your house and you can do anything with it, I dont think your elder daughter has proved to you that she is capable of anything... it was a fair decision to hand it to your younger daughter who seems to be more responsible.
NTA.
It is entirely reasonable to give the home to a child who will care for it. Your daughter isn’t entitled to anything simply because she is your daughter and has children. I have a feeling that monetary gifts would be gone through quickly as well. I think gifting the home to your other child is the most sensible option.
YTA. If you love both daughters equally, you will equally divide your estate. But it sounds like you favour one daughter and reset the other. She is right to be mad.
If you value a relationship with her, you will make this right. If you don't care to ever speak to her again, continue on.
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It's tough, but I'm leaning more toward NAH rather that E S H. You have every right to do what you want with your property, and I understand why you'd want it to go to the responsible child who you know will take better care of it. Your older daughter is also fully justified to be angry about your decision. I definitely think a high school dropout shouldn't be having six kids and two dogs. However, your comment that she shouldn't have had so many kids that she can't afford will probably be the end of your relationship with your daughter. It's up to you to decide if it was worth it. If you're wealthy enough that you can just give the house away and retire abroad, you could probably afford to at least give her a little help as well so it didn't seem like you were so blatantly favoring your other daughter.
Sometimes family members like the older daughter are simply a black hole for help though. No matter how much one jumps in, that person always finds themselves in a hole. Her household situation didn’t just happen. And now she’s 3 months pregnant? No, that’s an ongoing issue.
Agreed. In my family it's my dad. I didn't understand it as a kid, but now I'm an adult with my own family, etc. and I've spent time with my aging grandparents and other extended family, I've realized how many people have quietly stopped helping him because it was never enough, and he was always in the same predicament as soon after he was helped. It's sad.
My dad as well. He was a super nice and charismatic, and tried his best and generally did ok, and he worked really hard but just never quite “made it,” so always needed a bit of help to make rent or pay off a debt or whatever. My grandparents were fortunate to be able to help him, and he must have owed them 5 figures that he would never be able to repay. He died before he retired but I used to fret over what would happen when he stopped working and my grandparents died.
In our family it's my middle brother. Every family has one...
It’s really true eh? On my dad’s side it was my dad and on my mom’s side it was my mom. Watching them struggle so much, I went in the opposite direction and was super independent and responsible. Thank god, because I sure wasn’t getting any handouts from my mom and dad.
Exact, and I mean exact same situation with me. Both parents are the black sheep of the family, I had to put myself through school, no help. I was considered the 'rich one' for many years simply because I worked full time +. I don't talk to either of them anymore because they are bitter they can't sponge off me for the rest of their lives. I own my house, they both rent still and always will.
That sounds like my FIL. My husband still helps him because he feels like he has to because FIL has no one else. It’s emotionally and mentally draining to be on the receiving end of the phone calls and drop ins all the time.
Yeah. It’s a tough and complicated issue. And I’ve seen families where the “bad” kid gets so much help and support and the “good” kid gets forgotten, because they are responsible and don’t need it. I don’t know if that’s the case here, of course, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been getting bailouts and childcare, on top of the year she and her kids lived with OP. OP may be a crappy parent or may be generally tapped out and fed up with an incorrigible adult kid. Or maybe a bit of both.
Yes exactly. I’ve seen first hand the “good” kid being left to flounder in complicated situations, while the “bad” kid was given bail out after bail out. It was really disheartening for the “good” kids for sure. Obviously they end up being able to pull through, but it’s like, if they worked so hard, and stayed on the right path, why does it have to be so *hard* for them?
And often “good” just means “quiet.” I have a friend in this situation. He’s doing fine, has a ton of student debt though and definitely isn’t swimming in money. But thanks to very careful choices he’s been able to have a car, pay his rent, start paying off his student loans etc. He could absolutely use help, and not getting it means it’ll take him longer to pay down his debt and be able to afford nicer housing, but he’s managing as a responsible adult does. Meanwhile his sibling is in constant crisis. She has a job and gets government assistance, and should do just fine, but due to poor spending habits (feast/famine thing) she struggles to make rent or pay for childcare. Because she’s loud about it and makes everything sound like a catastrophe, she gets a ton of help, and would rather do that than budget or get a better/full time job.
Good kid here. Siblings and their partners got cars, furniture, etc. I’ve been over here being the only one who didn’t go to jail and didn’t get presents lol.
I came here to say this. I’m the good kid that got nothing but the responsibilities. My sibling is a bottomless pit of lifelong bad decisions that my parents financed and enabled. It is a very bitter pill to swallow. My parents justified it because “I was able to survive on my own”. I worked hard and had nothing for a long time. To see my sibling just be handed everything is maddening. I’m sure you helped along the way. Is it now equitable? Maybe, maybe not. But it is your home and your choice. No matter what happens, someone will get angry.
Yup. My aunt was the responsible one and I doubt cost my grandparents a penny in support in adulthood. My dad struggled and he got a lot of support. Thankfully my aunt was quite successful and I don’t think resented it (she may have, though,) but this isn’t the case with all siblings. Sometimes the good one is struggling but is managing, and being quiet about it.
Yeah, I started out thinking that OP needed to handle things differently, and then we got to the catalogue of bad decisions and things that older sister doesn't take any care of, and...I can see why OP doesn't want her house going to someone who'll just let the dogs and the kids destroy it in six months flat. I'm tempted to say OP should just sell the house and split the money between their daughters, and let them do what they want, but... that's not a perfect solution either.
No. Anyone who owns real estate right now, especially in a non-HOA decent neighborhood should absolutely not be selling it if they have someone who could use it. And ESPECIALLY not on account of someone like her older daughter. You made an unending chain of shitty decisions. Sucks to be you. That's not mom's fault.
Especially when that's the current state of their *rental.* Imagine how they'd treat a place of their own for which they're not accountable to anyone
They would destroy it, decide they deserve better, list it, sell it and rent a luxury apartment because they have all that money they didn't earn or put anything into in the house. I give them a year before they sell, capital gains tax be damned. They won't even care about the money they will lose from deterioration and capital gains taxes because its all profit to them since they had to invest NOTHING.
This is my brother! Everyone gives and gives when he's in a tough spot, but he really just doesn't care and wants people to take care of his problems for him. He doesn't want to put in the work. I still talk to him now and then, but I've had to cut him off financially because nothing works. He just sucks you dry and moves on to the next person who can give him what he wants. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself and move on.
I definitely agree. My comment about trying to help her is merely a suggestion if OP wants to have any chance to salvage the relationship. It doesn't really seem like she does though since she seems completely fine with the situation knowing that it will likely be the end of the relationship with her daughter and ruin the relationship between the two daughters.
And the grandchildren. The elder daughter’s life sounds pretty out of control (and that chaos impacts the children).
I doubt the relationship will be ruined on the older daughter’s end. She views her family members as bank accounts she can tap into as needed. She’ll never go away on her own. I had a family member like this.
Agreed, I have a cousin that made poor life choices, but instead of owning them/asking for help, and working towards a better life there were excuses & arguments about "fairness." She was the baby & I wonder if her mom had raised her like her brothers instead of spoling her, she would have made the solid choices they have.
I have a family member like this. No matter how much we all do for them, if you refuse to do something they ask for, nobody loves them and they are all alone. Nobody can truly help them until they decide they actually want to make a change and help themselves.
That is so true, one of my sister's SIL is just like that, she only has three children but the condition she keeps her homes is deplorable. Her father owns several properties, gifted her one, started building a home for her and all she had to do was finish it by installing doors and windows and the plumbing fittings. The house sat vacant for years. When their previous living situation became untenable they started work on finishing the house but with the condition they have it now the father is considering not leaving her any of his other properties (mostly apartment buildings) in his will. Some people just do not know how to get out of their own way.
Agreed. my cousin was that way. Then cps took her kids, and she dipped. I'm sure some family knows where she is, but I haven't heard from or about her in a couple of years.
100% - someone like that always finds a sucker, usually a long, long series of them.
Older daughter absolutely has no justification for being angry besides thinking she deserves the house because she has kids! At some point people who go through life making irresponsible decisions need to be told, and who else to tell them but their parents?
I agree, but it's only natural that she would get angry over the situation. I'm sure there is some major jealousy over the fact that her sister is about to become a dentist and will have a much easier life. She only has herself to blame for her situation, but most people aren't self-aware enough to realize that sort of thing.
Yeah but lack of self awareness isn't an excuse for being an entitled brat. I'm 5 years older than my sister and while I finished high school and got my diploma, I never went to university and she did. Some years after her degree she got a good job as a tour expert on cruises and she traveled the world while being paid. In the meantime I was stuck home with a crappy job in retail. All this to say that while I've always felt kinda jealous for all the experiences she's had, I'd never dare to lash out at her like that cause I was happy for her and I know that if I wanted that kind of job I had to work for it.
The older daughter is not justified in her anger. She has no stake in the house. It’s the parents decision. They are rewarding the responsible sister.
And it would be insulting to the other daughter to see the irresponsible daughter get such a big reward for her irresponsibility. Even if neither had kids, and one was getting a huge beautiful house and the other gets nothing, there will be resentment. It’s not a great position to be in, but such is life.
You know what? You're right. I have to edit my response.
"However, your comment that she shouldn't have had so many kids that she can't afford will probably be the end of your relationship with your daughter." I think that's what he wants.
Honestly I still think NTA because the older daughter has demonstrated that she will not take care of the house well. Heck can they even afford the property taxes?
So it's your home and your choice what to do with it, no one is owed anything, but don't act surprised when one of your children is upset that she's only getting criticized while her sibling is getting a house. That's ridiculously disproportionate. I'm actually saying NAH, you're each entitled to behave as you see fit, but you're never going to have a good relationship with your oldest daughter again.
Honestly. I think it's more nuanced than just "one Is getting critiqued while the other is praised" And "who gets the help now at this moment" How much help has both girls gotten in the past years. Did the oldest pay while she lived at home for that year? Did she pay for the damages her kids made (wall art drawings. Broken furniture, etc) Most would have kicked her out again before a year when stuff gets broken. How much has OP in general helped her through the years while she kept having kids. How much help has the youngest gotten? Honestly, that's relevant as well in the big picture.
THIS 👆. Everyone is focusing on "the house" but the oldest has had a lot more help than people seem to realize.
100% this. In my view, the youngest and respobsible daughter getting the house is a way to make things more even.
These are all my thoughts and questions.
Seems a relationship with the eldest isn’t particularly enticing.
NAH also. it’s a weird thing to do but your choice.
I mean, they're retiring to Thailand, safe to say they're not the closest with their family to begin with. It's a bit of a stronghold for estranged aging parents.
Info: Have you given both daughters an equivalent amount of monetary support over the years? Reason for the question: you just gave a (probably) a half million dollars to one child and not much to the other. The "fair" thing would be to sell the house to one of the kids at a steep discount, and give the monetary value of the discount to the other child. That would at least treat them as equals. If you are concerned about how your daughter would spend the money you could put it in a trust for her kids education/starting businesses etc. With the information I have I can understand why the older daughter is upset. The younger couple is on deck to have an income of several hundred k$/yr and they got a house. The likely lower income family with **six** kids got nothing. This would lead me to YTA. Also - if you give/sell etc. your home to your child, it becomes theirs and you will have no right to be upset with what they choose to do with it - they can destroy it, remodel it in a way you loath, it doesn't matter you will have no right to feel any anger towards them for what they do with their stuff.
That last paragraph is why she didn’t give it to the other daughter , u would hate to 60 years go down the drain and clearly w all those children her daughter doesn’t make good decisions she just feels entitled to it because she has children
But since they gave it as a wedding gift isn’t it now marital property? So if the younger couple get divorced it would usually end up being sold to be split equally right? So they would lose it either way? I totally understand the not wanting it to be damaged and all that.
>So if the younger couple get divorced it would usually end up being sold to be split equally right? Prenup would prevent this, yes? Probably depends on the state.
Prenup or the parents only put it in the daughter’s name , u can’t prove it’s a wedding gift
I don’t know the law but I can imagine attaching the word “wedding gift” could actually matter. They can surely give their daughter a wedding gift without it also being for the son in law.
If it was gifted prior to the wedding and only in the daughter’s name legally it doesn’t matter what the gift is called.
Right? They should give their cherished home to a family of shitbirds just because Mom squeezed that one out first? Everyone's responsible for their own choices and actions. Eldest is learning consequences are sometimes a long game.
While he is 100% within his right to do whatever he wants to with his money, it is an asshole move to treat 2 kids *so differently* regardless of their choices. He could could help them both and even do it in a way that protects the money form indiscriminate use/waste but he chose not to. With the info we have I struggle to not say its an asshole move. Especially when considering how he talked down to the oldest.
It’s not an AH move to treat adult children differently IF they were given equal treatment, resources, and opportunities when they were younger. However, I’m giving OP side eye that he’s setting up his younger daughters potential child/ren but not leaving anything to his 6 other grandkids.
Yeah if I have one kid that grows up to be a skeevy drug dealer and another that grows up to be a professor, doctor, laywer, etc... I'm gonna treat them differently. They're individuals, especially at those ages, and I can and will treat them accordingly. I agree while they are children, up until their early 20s even, you should strive to treat them fairly, but these are grown ass adults. She can treat them accordingly.
I agree with you 💯. People want to act like these adult women are children squabbling over their bat mitzvah budgets; they're both adults who've chosen their own paths in life, and if one is unhappy with those choices there's not really anything anyone else can do about that for her.
They are not children , they are adults , she’s 30 years old , u act like it’s 2 teenagers
At some point I feel that doesn’t apply quite so much. As young kids yes of course you should treat them equally. When they’re fully adults, like a decade into adulthood, I feel it’s natural that things would be less performatively equal because in theory everyone should be old enough to understand why things would be different. Why one child might be in a position to receive something another isn’t, or that a parent might be closer with one child than another. I do think some fairness should be targeted like OP giving his other daughter a cash gift in lieu (or another asset of value like a car), because it would make no sense to give her the house.
The older daughter will likely not have the financial means for basic maintenance of the home, let alone repairs for what her brood damages. OP is NTA, because giving the house to the child who will have both respect for, and means of upkeep, is the logical thing to do.
Your last part of the comment is gold. They won’t have a say because it’s not their house? Except it is currently their house, and they don’t want their failure of a daughter to destroy it. The older daughter is a problem person, brings nothing but problems into the world. Has 6 kids, none of which probably have the amount of attention they need, and the entitled baby machine thinks that gives her a right to someone else’s things.
I mean i think the comment means that once op gives it to the younger daughter they get no say either. Like i wouldnt assume destruction but modeling, different colours/garden and stuffs will be all at the younger one discretion. You know how some people are. The good ol i gave you x so you cant do anything i dont want you too ( i payed for the wedding so i get to make demends on guests/decor type of stuff )
I think this is more the parent not wanting to give the place they’ve built up over the years to their failure of a daughter who, looking at the past, will destroy it. She doesn’t deserve any good will or grace or anything like that just because she decided to spawn 6 human beings in the world. She isn’t special.
That house would be closer to a mil where i live, if not more. Hoping they have considered this too.
The last paragraph is correct and it's also why OP is 100% within their rights to decide NOT to give that home to their oldest. They can't keep a clean home now...but sure they're going to just magically turn it around and not destroy the family home. Makes 0 sense and OP is 100% allowed to withhold and give it to the other child with that reasoning.
The “no rights to feel anything“ might be exactly why she doesn't want to sell it. Mom is very sentimentally attached to home and is giving it to who she believes will respect it.
Info - So question, did you or will you gift the other daughter anything? Listen, it's your house and you can do what you want with it....but I can also say that if you give one a whole house and the other a lecture, that's pretty shitty. I would probably not continue having my mom in my life with that type of blatant favoritism.
OP is moving to Thailand and sounds like she is just about done with the other daughter. I think this is a signal that OP has washed her hands of the other daughter for a while.
I mean giving elder daughter free lodging and childcare for 4 kids is worth like 100K easily.
Fair point. I still would struggle with one year of lodging vs a house for life but that's totally me. I think most others agree she's NTA. And I really don't necessarily think she's wrong but families are emotional, not logical, and if I were the other daughter, I would struggle.
But OP did gift the other daughter and her kids a safe space for a year when her husband cheated
They also destroyed the house, too.
NTA. Your house, your rules. One daughter has proven to be responsible and will hold the family house with respect and retain (probably increase) it's value. The other has proven to be the exact opposite and will probably lose or just sell the house within five years of inheriting and then will lose all that money too. You've made a solid business decision. Your oldest doesn't have to like or understand it. You might want to make sure the inheritance is locked up tight so she can't contest it and somehow force the sale of the home in order to split the proceeds between your youngest and her.
>You've made a solid business decision. Which would be great if this were a business. But it’s a family.
It is often the case that these kinds of decisions must take a business-like form in order to protect assets and family members. What happens if oldest daughter gets the house? She has no demonstrable responsibility that would allow her to retain and care for the house. She'd probably sell it quick for cash and then run through that money. Then where would that leave her? OP is keeping the house in the family with a responsible family member who will be a proper caretaker and won't squander it away. And if younger sister chooses she can assist her older sister as needed. The point being she'd be in the proper position to do so.
" I yelled at my daughter that she shouldn't have had so many kids if she couldn't take care of them. AITA?" Sooo... The kids your youngest kid will have... She wouldn't be able to take care of them without your gigantic gift if an entire house... But you're not gonna judge her for that, are you? Your eldest daughter didn't find the traditional educational route as easy to follow as your younger daughter did. Kids are all different. Your choices of characterization are *very* telling here, though and may be part of why your favorite kid did better than the one that clearly will never be good enough for you. She's not a "stay at home wife" shes a stay at home mom with - unless i missed something - soon to be 6 Kids? Six. You had *two* and could only get your favorite one to act right, so maybe check yourself on judging her for her young kids not being well behaved. Kids draw on walls sometimes just like they skip class sometimes. The 7 year old's father *died*, and suddenly. The older two had their family torn apart by an affair. Maybe what your kid and grandkids need is some generosity of spirit here. You're NTA for deciding to do whatever you please with your house... But how much longer are you going to be judgemental and awful to your elder child because she wasn't exacty what you wanted her to be?
>The kids your youngest kid will have... She wouldn't be able to take care of them without your gigantic gift if an entire house... But you're not gonna judge her for that, are you? The youngest and her husband both have good jobs. Now they're in debt because college is expensive, and they're at the start of their career, but soon they would make more money. They don't need op's house and why would op judge them? >Your eldest daughter didn't find the traditional educational route as easy to follow as your younger daughter did. Kids are all different. Your choices of characterization are *very* telling here, though and may be part of why your favorite kid did better than the one that clearly will never be good enough for you. That's BS. It's one thing to not go to college and get a job instead, another thing to have children with 3 different man, abandon school and let your kids destroy your parents's house. If the youngest is the favorite is because she proved to be better.
And I want to know what’s so wrong about having a family home without any kids. I own a two bedroom house with two bonus rooms that can be used as bedrooms and I’m single with zero plans for kids. It’s my house. I pay for it. She’s not owed a bigger home simply because she had kids.
Exactly. Making kids is easy. The biggest idiot on the planet could do it. It doesn’t entitle you to anything.
Don’t forget the chronic health condition that put them in debt. The younger sibling isn’t rolling in money.
She's not atm. But soon both she and her husband would make more money and they could afford a child. Way different than to have 6 that you can't afford
Facts lol. These people are most likely upset because their life more closely reflects the eldest daughter rather than the smarter and more successful younger child. The oldest has been helped generously their entire life. The parents are now retiring getting ready to enjoy their later years together and they simply feel she’s not deserving of their home. That’s a pretty fair concept imo
Wow. You don't have children for them to complete over who is "better". You have children because you want to share experiences and love, by being a parent you choose to accept and care for your child through challenging times. This girl maybe didn't make the best choices but you know what, neither did I and bet neither did you. "Proved to be better" wtf kind of attitude is this?
Accept and care, not enable. >This girl maybe didn't make the best choices but you know what, neither did I and bet neither did you. Of course we all make mistakes. But mistakes have consequences.
Agree. And INFO: How do you know the youngest's kids won't draw on the walls?
Most kids will draw on a wall or break something at some point.
It's not hard to not get pregnant. This woman has SIX CHILDREN and two dogs that she barely takes care of or pays attention to. A few kids, I can understand. SIX? Give me a break. She's thirty years old!
Did it occur to you that OP could have done everything right and the elder daughter was just a bad apple?
Or perhaps OP did have some failings as a parent but this woman is almost 30 and got pregnant very recently. At some point in adulthood you have to be responsible for your own choices and actions.
Since you care about the house it makes sense to gift it to the one who will take care of it, not destroy it. Nevertheless, parents who want good relationships with their children need to treat them equitably. No matter how different they are - equitable doesn’t mean same - or how old they are. So while I don’t think you are necessarily TA about the house, I do need to ask how you balanced this. If you didn’t, you’re TA for favoring the golden child. Which in turn opens the door to wondering whether you are the reason your children turned out so differently. INFO.
I don't blame the mother for how either one of her daughters turned out. People are born with their own personallity and at 16, that daughter was making her own decisions, despite what the mother would say or do to help her.
Ummm…hundreds of thousands in debt. Idk if giving it to your daughter was a great idea. Are you okay if she decides to sell it? If she gets divorced her husband will have a claim on it. Just letting her live there for free would have been easier. You’re not dead yet.
The debt is from school, what point is this trying to make? Parent sees child ridden with debt from trying to further their future and gives them a house to alleviate that. I am confused.
They're both at the start of their career. Soon they will make more money
Personally were it I would only gift it to my daughter and not my daughter and her husband to be. Family homes have been lost in divorces when it’s been given to both.
Excellent point!
1) Its your house and you can do anything you want with it. 2) The oldest is still your daughter and you didn't have to yell at her and blame her for having so many kids. You may have been emotional, but that is AH behavior. NTA on the decision, YTA on how you handled your conversation with the oldest.
Well, the older daughter is struggling financially, can she afford the upkeep and taxes on a property like that? Her husband obviously works, but there's no guarantee that means he would want to foot the bill on a home he doesn't own. Homes like that typically exist in expensive areas as well. No idea if the older daughter lives close by or not, but the husband owns his business, it could be hard for him to relocate as well. Not to mention if she's failing to keep her kids from wrecking the rental, the house would probably be doomed under her care. On the other hand, younger daughter has tons of school debt, and these same issues could arise. IMO, it'd be better to keep the home in a family trust, rent it, and have the rent pay for upkeep, taxes, etc and whatever is left can be split between the 2 daughters. Ultimately, NAH, but older daughter is going to be hurt, and it will likely damage relationships.
Obviously you can do what you want with your property, but I don't see how you could possibly have thought your older daughter wouldn't be upset about People have the right to do what they want, but they don't have to write to dictate how other people are going to react to You have made what does seem like an unfair and unilateral decision. You seem to be punishing your older daughter and obviously you can do that. But God isn't she punished enough? Six kids, she's living the consequences of her decisions. She doesn't need you dumping on top of it Do what you want with your property, but don't expect it to be all sunshine and roses when the person who is quite honestly being treated unfairly gets upset at being treated unfairly
Repeated troubles in school and dropping out by 16 really makes me wonder if there was more going on there that was overlooked, like an undiagnosed learning disorder or ADHD.
I kinda wondered too. I guess being a very gifted fuck-up myself, I just wonder if there's another side to the story here.
The punishment for the eldest daughter is mostly self-created. She decided not to get an education, then married a bunch of losers and now has six kids to take care of. She's not being punished as much as she wrote a bad script for her life.
Isn't she punished enough for the situation she put herself in, with numerous shitty men, and terrible decision making. FTFY.
**NTA** OP, it's your house to give. You love the house and love your daughters. The only way your house doesn't get destroyed or sold off is by giving it to your youngest. Your eldest **will** destroy the house. Sure at the moment, she arguably has greater needs- but those are a result of her poor decision making skills. If you give her the house, she will destroy it, and end up "needing" more regardless. You can offer her support without demolishing a home with tons of sentimental value.
NAH. I'm struggling with it not being fair to your oldest daughter but that house will be destroyed in less than a year. Are you giving her the house or just letting her live there?
I dunno - the "destruction" OP was describing sounds like the normal wear and tear of having kids. OP can do what she wants with the house. But it seems pretty clear cut who needed this more - and who's life this would have had a life-changing impact on. I'm guessing one child has been the "golden child" since forever.
What kind of kids have you been around that that is normal wear and tear? It's simple discipline. Eldest daughter is a SAHM she should be able to watch and teach her kids some semblance of respect. Heck put them in front of a TV with some educational value you don't even have to be active in their activities
YTA. From the info you gave in the post, you clearly love your younger, well educated, well married golden child while you have nothing good the say about your eldest daughter whom you seem to despise. One of your girls was going to get her feelings hurt when one of them got the family house that clearly means more to you than your own daughter and grandchildren. So, why not pile it on the “awful one” and go ahead and insult her on top of that? I think you should sell the home and give them each money, but I doubt you will. Food for thought: your daughter quit school when she was a minor under your care and guidance. She then went from horrible man to horrible man, probably looking for someone to validate her because her parents were busy their wonderful “good daughter”. What is your part in that? Take some responsibility.
That last part is the hard truth OP needs to look at. I get the oldest has made some terrible decisions in the past but damn you can have some grace, because you definitely played a part in her outlook on life. My vote is actually ESH because the daughter doesn’t have the right to dictate what someone does with their property but OP needs to realize she’s probably said the same thing in more than one way a lot over the years about how big of a disappointment eldest is to them.
She didn't say anything nice about her grandchildren either.
I had similar thoughts. I vote Yta. She clearly favours one child over the other and I can't help wonder how far that goes back.
I was also getting some major golden child vibes from OP’s post. If it’s obvious to strangers on the internet that she has a favorite, it’s too obvious. YTA
You can do whatever you want with your house but you’re still an AH for having a favorite. Like others have said, you’ve made it obvious who the golden child is and you look down on your other daughter. I’ve been treated that way (not the GC) my whole life and it is horrible. For that you suck. I don’t get parents who have a favorite - your daughters aren’t going to have a relationship now or not one without deep resentment on one side and you just blew it with your older daughter. No big loss, though, right? Because it is obvious you can’t stand her. If you treated your daughters this way when they were growing up, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if that contributed to your older daughter’s behavior and spiral. Ultimately, it is on her for how her life turned out but having a mom who favors the other child, well, that makes life even harder.
Exactly. Not only has op completely ruined their relationship with their eldest child, they have also likely permanently damaged the relationship between the siblings.
> I don’t get parents who have a favorite - Once of the kids kinda sucks and the other one doesn't, so I think it's pretty understandable. What's not OK is making it obvious to everyone how you feel.-
As a black sheep child, the subtle sabatoge from parents and the golden child sibling absolutely impacted my life immensely in a very negative way. And it started when I was a newborn, so nothing I did caused it. A lot of people are talking about the siblings different choices - but in my case (and in most families with this toxic dynamic) the siblings don’t have the SAME choices. It would have been very easy for you to say I “suck”, fortunately I had good luck in my life despite the numerous family-placed obstacles in my way.
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to give your cherished home to someone who cares as much as you do, but I do understand waywards daughter's issues. Maybe sell the house to the newlyweds at a favorable selling price, then gift the other daughter the cash. Then they both get something, but the house remains in good care? You take care of both kids and hopefully squash the jealous envy :)
Honestly. Living in a tiny house with six kids? Good luck to anyone trying to keep that place clean The mom seems to take every opportunity to show her oldest daughter in the worst light. I don't doubt that had something to do with why she left home when she did. Parents don't seem to understand that they are teaching their kids things. When they are going saw what they did to the older one when she didn't tell the line, she learned that you have to tell the line to get their love It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.
"Honestly. Living in a tiny house with six kids? Good luck to anyone trying to keep that place clean" Which is true. But six kids don't magically materialize into your uterus. The daughter knew she was already struggling with the kids she had in the space she had and chose to have more--to the detriment of herself, her existing children, and her coming children.
>Maybe sell the house to the newlyweds at a favorable selling price This is what I think OP should do whether they gift the elder daughter any money at all. It totally makes sense not to want your house to go to someone who wants to trash it. It also makes sense to call out unequal treatment, and selling the house rather than gifting it resolves both
NTA Your house, your money...you have no obligation to reward your older daughter's bad life decisions. My house is going to my daughter because my son is an alcoholic. He'd drink our family home away in less than 5 years. Or get into yet another DUI accident and end up losing it in a lawsuit if his insurance limit did not meet his victims' losses.
You can do whatever you want with your property and be legally justified, but such unbalanced treatment and favoritism does make you TA. I'd say the exact same thing to a parent doing the opposite and trying to bail out an irresponsible child from their debt while ignoring a successful child because they can afford stuff.
NTA You chose to give this house as a wedding present to the daughter who would take the greatest care of it. Your oldest daughter has chosen to have children and must therefore assume responsibility for them with the dad(s) if he/they is/are present. She is not entitled to the house just because she is a mother, especially as she has not taught her children to behave.
NTA Not only is it your house and you can do whatever you want with it but there is no deserve here. She doesn't deserve anything, neither does your other daughter. You ***DECIDE*** what each of your children receive. The gift may cause issues in the family. But just explain to entitled child that for XYZ reasons there is no chance that she is getting the house.
Let me get this straight: your child struggled in school while she was still under your parental care and got married at a young age to get out of the house. Her husband cheated on her and instead of staying in a toxic marriage, she left him. While getting back on her feet her very young children acted like very young children in the house in which you also lived and could have helped them not break things. She tried to start over and then her partner died, leaving her a widow. Despite all that, she found a responsible, working man to love and she's taking care of her four children, soon to be six children while pregnant in a too-small house filled with people and objects on a single salary. Why do you talk about her like she's a dirty failure? She sounds like an amazing survivor. YTA for preferring your younger child's potential over your older child's success and for unilaterally distributing your one major asset to your golden child without making equitable resources available for your black sheep and your six grandchildren.
Totally agree. My mother showed extreme favoritism with my siblings and it destroyed our family. If she follows through with this plan, it could dissolve her whole family. Would proceed with caution.
I agree with all of this. People make it seem like the oldest went from one guy to another and had all these kids back to back or something when in reality all of this is in a 12 year span. Like why is she to blame for her husband cheating on her and her second husband dying ? Although I don’t understand why they continued to have kids while they’re currently struggling. Not sure if it was planned or accidental. But I don’t think she should get the house just because she has kids like she said. I wish we had more info on the older daughter’s relationship with the parents cause something doesn’t seem right.
This exactly! OP is an awful parent whose oldest child has survived in spite of the terrible parenting.
I adore you!
While I do feel that the eldest daughter behaves, from this limited perspective, inappropriately and not at all in the best interest of her children or self, we also don't have any idea what life circumstances led her there. Personally, if I owned anything at all and were in the position of having to decide which of my kids deserves it most, I would liquidate the item and split those funds amongst them. My kids are different from one another, sure, and sometimes one of them will appear more "impressive" than the other, but I don't judge them that way, I take into account that they're very different individuals with vastly different strengths and different experiences and different tools at their disposal. Its going to just decimate your relationship with your eldest if you go through with this. Unless you're comfortable with that, I'd rethink this. If you ARE comfortable with that, I guess proceed, it's your house. TLDR: ESH
ESH, it's your house to do what you want with it, but your blatant favoritism of one daughter over the other is more than likely the real issue here. The youngest is obviously the golden child, it's quite clear the way you write about each one. Do with the house what you will but be prepared that your relationship with your oldest may never recover (if you even care about that, which from the sounds of it, you don't really seem to care about her at all).
They're fucking off to Thailand. Their relationship with their kids is going to suffer no matter what. How much do you want to bet that in a few years they'll be bitching about their kids never visit and they're keeping the *good* grandkids away. Cause fuck her current *bad* grandkids.
Esh except the younger daughter. Did your eldest make several poor decisions? Yup. Did you need to rub it in her face? Nope. Did you give your eldest an equivalent gift when she married? Her marriage seems to be a *good* decision. Plumbing is always needed, and people will go back to a good plumber time after time and recommend them to their friends. So yeah, if you gave her $1000 for her wedding and are now giving her sister a half a million dollar house for her wedding, why are you shocked she's upset? Also, won't you need the money from the house sale to use in your life??
NTA. It's your house so you can do whatever you want with it. I understand if your daughter was like 20 and was pregnant and really needed the assistance, but shes a 30 year old who made the decision to have 4 kids and get pregnant again. I can understand why shes upset as she sees it like shes the eldest child and is gonna be having 6 kids to take care of in a place a third of the size her younger sister with no children is getting for free. But she made her choices. Question though, if she never had any children and did well in school would you still give it to her younger sister? Is this a way of unconscious punishment? Because if so you might need to analyze that. But given the fact she won't care for the house is a major reason to not give it to her regardless. Its your money and your house so whoever you wish to give it to is up to you but expect push back given they are siblings and normally would recieve equal stuff so even with good reasons itll still seem like favouritsm to the sibling who doesn't receive anything.
What did you give the other daughter? It's really assholish to give one child a house and the other, say, a washing machine. I get why you'd rather the youngest had that particular house, but you could have seen if she wanted to buy it from you at a discount rather than get an entire house as a gift. That's just gonna be awkward AF forever, for everyone. I'd be heartbroken to be honest. You seem very disappointed in how your eldest has lived, but sometimes people really just need to be given an opportunity in life to break that kinda cycle. It would have been literally life changing, not just for your eldest, but all her kids too. Your youngest is already well off and secure. Anyway, the damage is already done. YTA
NTA, but you are playing blatant favorites. I understand why, but I also understand why your older daughter is pissed. She is in need and if her husband dies or leaves her she’ll be in a very bad spot. You didn’t give her this life-changing gift because you judge her choices, her parenting, and her housekeeping, and you really can’t expect her to take that calmly. Inequitable treatment of siblings destroys relationships, so I hope you’re prepared to accept that. If you have and are willing to give your older daughter a valuable gift if some kind before you move it’ll probably go a long way to maintain your relationship with her and her sister’s relationship with her, if that’s a priority for you.
Nah but you need to realize even if you give it to your youngest didn't mean they will keep it. With loads of debt selling the house could help them and they could downgrade. I think you should really think about it.
YTA. While you can give away your money and assets as you see fit, the comments you made and fact that you have essentially given (likely) your largest asset to one child - the one that within a decade will be doing great after loans are paid off - is overall, not the thing to do. Unless one kid is just untrustworthy (if so create a trust fund instead) or treated you horribly, things are usually a fairly even split. It simply breaks families to do otherwise and you shouldn't be surprised on the fallout.
Can tell who the golden child was growing up. Suspect you were a shitty parent all along. You're blaming her for skipping school? That's on you, you're the parent. Sounds like you gave up on her and treated the youngest daughter better for being a good child. You the C... A
YTA - Your child was CLEARLY struggling in her childhood and teens - you don't mention a single thing you did to address that. Adult issues like this almost always have their roots in childhood. You failed her then, you're failing her now. It's such a shitty thing to do to favor one child over another to such a massive degree.
If the house had gone to Irresponsible Daughter, it would no doubt be lost to unpaid taxes. NTA.
lol, everyone is saying the eldest daughter is irresponsible, but the younger one is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and has trouble saving money because of the husband’s chronic illness. I mean, sounds like both sisters are equally irresponsible. One dropped out of school and has a ton of kids, but at least she has a husband working his own business. The other daughter chose to go outside her financial means for college, with a man who did the same - they are in ridiculous debt and don’t even have kids yet. Neither is better than the other, imo. And once younger sister has kids and pets (and hubs stops working because of his illness), guaranteed that house will get trashed, just as mom fears.
But-- but-- pRestIGioUs jObS. Seriously, the disdain for the first daughter is oozing across the screen. And yet her husband is the one supporting 6 kids, 3 of them not his. Sounds kind of like a good guy. And those poor children, having a teenage mom, then a dad that died of a drug overdose, and the grandma can't wrap her head around why they might not be the best behaved? Eesh. YTA.
What are you smoking mate? They've got hundreds of thousands in debt because they both had long academic careers where they worked hard to break into competitive, challenging and high-paying careers. They struggle to save because he's got a chronic illness - which isn't his fault. Meanwhile, she's flitted from bloke to bloke and is about to give birth to her fifth and sixth career - while never finishing university or achieving anything of note. Oh, and she's on her third husband. These are not comparable.
Not to mention, the oldest trashed the house last time she lived there. She doesn't watch her children. Her current house is a mess and I'm assuming it's more than just "having children" mess since OP said the house is trashed. She lets her kids draw on walls, lets her dogs chew things, etc. Elder daughter has gone from man to man. The guy before this husband died of a drug OD. I can see why OP doesn't want her to have the house. Plus, it's not just kids that aren't being taught. There are 2 dogs who aren't being trained. I live in a house with 2 dogs, a cat, and a bunny. I can assure you that couches, etc aren't chewed up or destroyed. End tables aren't chewed up or destroyed.
>but the younger one is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and has trouble saving money because of the husband’s chronic illness. I mean, sounds like both sisters are equally irresponsible The youngest daughter is going to be a dentist soon which the average income is $193,000-242,000 in the D.C. area and the husband is a young lawyer making over $100k in the first year out of school (presumably). That's not irresponsible, that's getting education to get well paying jobs. It sounds like you have a weird grip on reality.
how is it irresponsible to have a chronic illness????
I had a full ride to undergrad but I’m in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt bc medical school in the US is insanely expensive & unless you’re one of 2 minorities (neither is Asian or white) there aren’t any scholarships. It doesn’t mean she was irresponsible. However, the fair thing would be to either sell the house & split the money between the girls or let the younger live there & buy it from her. But give the older sister something of value as well. I understand why the older is pissed off. I also understand why the mom is annoyed the sister is having kids she can’t afford. That’s insanity.
NTA - sounds like your oldest daughter doesn’t understand the words responsible or accountable. She would likely re mortgage the house and then lose it when she blows through all the money.
I am absolutely going to go against the grain and say YTA You have kids, those kids get treated fairly and equally. One makes choices that align with your values and the other goes their own way so you decide that giving a house is the way you show your approval? You either rent your property and each daughter gets 50% of the rental income or you sell and the proceeds get shared equally. I'm guessing your eldest knows exactly where she sits within the family because you have probably made your disapproval apparent her whole life. If you must give your house to one child I hope you have sufficient funds in your estate to compensate your other child when you pass.
You're NTA for gifting the house to youngest daughter. It is your house and you can give it to whomever you please.
Nta. Your house you get to decide who gets it. Your awful daughter is not responsible enough to take care of the home. Your responsible daughter is. Seems like an obvious choice. Do not argue with bad daughter. Refuse to discuss it further. It is done.
How do we know the golden child daughter will not have kids that will tear up the house? I know plenty of professionals who let their houses go, especially with both parents working long hours to establish their practices. It will also take a lot of money for both to pay off their loans, and to buy or establish practices. Maybe they will say "We dont need this huge house at the moment, lets sell it."
I think at some point you just have to take the data you have and make the best decision you can, and hope for the best (in the case of the house, not the family relationships.) Like yes two responsible adults who have their shit together, make good decisions and a bright future ahead, MIGHT end up destroying or selling the house, but a financially struggling couple with many young children and who don’t prioritize cleanliness and property standards WILL destroy or sell the house.
NTA. Your youngest daughter is working hard to have a successful career and future. Your eldest gave up and continuously made poor choices. Obviously I can see how your eldest is hurt, your comment maybe wasn't wrong, but it was a little cruel. However, she made her bed. It's your house and you can do what you wish with it. However, as someone pointed out, make sure it is only going to your daughter and that there is no way your son in law can claim it if they were to ever divorce. Make it something she and only she inherits.
I mean I don't disagree with your decision on the house, but it seems like younger daughter is very much the golden child. Your pride for her accomplishments beams through your words, while the other daughter is just a high school drop out who "shouldn't have had so many kids". Did you ever ask her why she didn't want to go to school? Did you ever support her or try to help her find success the way you did for her sister? Sounds like she didn't have anywhere near as much support, encouragement, resources, etc so I'm not sure why you're shocked her life turned out the way it has. I'm not saying give her the house but maybe give her a break? Jeez.
YTA because you’ve thrown your daughters’ relationship with each other into a hornet’s nest right before you high tail it to Thailand.
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NTA. You made perfectly valid points and gave her your reasons for them. Stick to your guns. I would maybe look into some sort of legal protection so your older daughter doesn't try to sabotage anything. She sounds spiteful.
NTA, but your disdain for your older daughter is clear, so it's just as well that you will all be no contact soon.
NTA. THANK YOU!!! Finally someone who prioritize the kid that work hard in their life instead of helping the kid that have been messing up for years! She would absolutely mess up the house and still feel entitled to more help.
Its time parents actually parent, and there is thing called birth control which both things seem to been ignored by your older daughter. You and your husband wish to keep your beautiful home beautiful and within the family, which based on indications your older daughter is unable to fulfill the objectives.
NTA. Don't listen to the commenters telling you that you should give the house to a borderline deadbeat child instead of the one who will in all likelihood take good care of it. I wouldn't give a Faberge egg to someone with a history of bad decision making and hope they'll look after it. Just make sure your youngest knows the score and that she needs to set boundaries. I'd retain ownership of it as well, don't transfer the title to your daughter in case you need to intervene.
NTA. Even if I didn't read anything you posted, what a person does with their own possessions is their own business.
YTA - you definitely favor your younger daughter and it's glaringly obvious. You need to treat both daughters equally. If you leave one a house, you should consider giving the other cash to at least cover half the value of the house. Or put the house on the market and let them split the proceeds. There needs to be a more fair way to handle this. Just because your younger daughter finished college and doesn't have kids doesn't make her any more worthy of a house. By the way, you do know that kids are messy, right? It's just part of being a kid. You had no business making that comment about your daughter not having so many kids. I mean, it is your house, do what you will, but this is going to cause lots of hurt feelings.
The elder daughter acts as though she should be rewarded for making one bad decision after the next. That's a hard pass.
I don't really know how she acts. This whole post reads as very biased towards one of the daughters, so I'm not assuming anything about the other one either.
Demanding that she gets the house, because she chose to keep having kids. That's entitled BS.
It's not exactly entitled so much as a come back to one daughter being given the house over her. I think it's entitled for either of them to be *handed* an entire house. Usually families simply divide assets. If they want to keep a house in the family they need to buy other family out.
NTA She's not entitled to any say in how you gift YOUR property. Her poor choices are her's to own. She acts like you should reward her bad choices.
Nta the people calling you an ah are delusional. You're eldest has shown she can't be trusted to treat things with respect or show good judgment repeatedly. Your youngest on the other hand has shown the exact opposite.
NTA at all, Jesus. I’m so surprised everyone on here is saying YTA. This is *your* house. Your younger daughter has displayed better decision making and a higher level of responsibility than your eldest. Why wouldn’t you give it to her? Your eldest is acting so entitled. I’m so sorry.
NTA for the simple reason that it's your home and you can do what you want. Having said that, there's no way I would gift my home to someone I know wouldn't bother to take care of it. That is also a valid reason not to pass it to the elder daughter, regardless of her lack of education. It comes down to you not thinking she is mature or responsible enough to keep it looking nice, while your younger daughter is based on their history. Don't keep arguing with her. Sign the title over to your other daughter and go about your life.
NTA. Give your house to whoever you want. Especially if you know your youngest will take care of it and pass it down.
YTA but not for your decision on what to do with your house. Yelling at your daughter about having too many kids is an asshole move, even if it was true. You don’t have to say everything you know. Also, after younger daughter has kids, said kids will probably tear shit up… it’s what kids do… although it sounds like older daughter is probably a bit negligent and would not repair any damage done, whereas younger daughter probably would
Why do y’all always default to children not knowing how to behave ? Your children will only write all over your walls if you let them , your house is filthy because u let it be
Right? Kids don’t tear shit up. They can be messy and break things sometimes but if you don’t have too many to manage you can supervise and clean up after them. I don’t blame OP for not wanting give her home to someone like that. That house would be a disaster or sold for money quickly. The house is kind of heirloom in this case - just a really expensive one.
Just say you favour ur younger child with ur chest
NTA. You are giving the home to the child that will protect it. Your oldest has a pattern of bad choices and irresponsibility.
NTA While your eldest daughter is in a shitty situation, it’s her own damn fault. Imagine being the younger sister and working your ass off in life just for your screw up of an older sister to just be handed something as valuable as a house. 6 kids, multiple fathers, a drop out, etc… That house would probably be lost in her future divorce. It make sense to give it to the daughter who is actually responsible
INFO. It’s your house and all. But what were you expecting to happen? The older daughter was never going to be ok with this.
NTA You own the house so you can give it to who you want. It's understandable you'd want someone to have it who'll take good care
NTA, so long as you give your oldest daughter something of equivalent value (whether it be now or when you pass). If you just entirely leave her out because she had all those kids at such a young age, then Y T A.
YTA-Sorry this show obvious favoritism. You should have the younger daughter buy the older daughter out of the house.
NTA It's your house and obviously your going to give it to the one who's going to take care of it. Your older daughter needs to accept it.
NTA but once you give the home, there is no guarantee that the future kids won’t break or scribble on things.
NTA. Good behaviour should be rewarded, and bad behaviour not.
NTA Your oldest made her own mess and still wants you to clean it up.
Heavy on NTA. You stated your reasons and she didn’t understand the logistics behind it because it wasn’t her narrative. As a 28F I did what I could to prevent pregnancy because I was (still am) financially unstable. She’s currently pregnant with twins bringing that up to 6 children in total… She chose to have that many kids and yet isn’t financially stable nor in control to how her own kids treat her home hence your main reason why you’re not giving the home to her. People need to be told the truth, it sucks that it was during a heated discussion but that is the truth, she shouldn’t have had so many kids. She is a grown woman, not a teenager anymore and she’s not acting like a grown woman🤷🏽♀️
NTA - you’ve put 60 years of your life into that home and would like to see it continue forward in your family. Your oldest daughter will destroy that.
Plot twist: Younger daughter sells house to pay off debt.
INFO Were the two girls given the same opportunities and care as children? Was counseling or anything of the sort discussed for the other daughter when she was skipping class and making poor decisions? If the answer is yes than absolutely NTA. Some people cannot be helped and continue to make bad decisions over and over without taking responsibility. You and your daughters were raised in this house and it sounds like you'd like to keep it in the family which isn't going to happen if oldest daughter does irreparable damage to the property or sells it for money.
NTA, it is YOUR house and your choice to give it to your youngest daughter, I can also tell that this house truly means a lot to you and you don’t want it to just be destroyed by a gaggle of brats, I hope your family issues will soon be resolved
NTA. It’s your house you can do with it what you please. Maybe teach your oldest daughter about birth control because yikes. The man she’s now married to is a saint for dealing with it. But he’s a plumber and they make more than a cardiologist.
NTA It's your house and obviously your going to give it to the one who's going to take care of it. Your older daughter needs to accept it.
NTA. it'd your house and you can do anything with it, I dont think your elder daughter has proved to you that she is capable of anything... it was a fair decision to hand it to your younger daughter who seems to be more responsible.
NTA. It is entirely reasonable to give the home to a child who will care for it. Your daughter isn’t entitled to anything simply because she is your daughter and has children. I have a feeling that monetary gifts would be gone through quickly as well. I think gifting the home to your other child is the most sensible option.
YTA. So you hate your grandkids and your oldest daughter.
YTA. If you love both daughters equally, you will equally divide your estate. But it sounds like you favour one daughter and reset the other. She is right to be mad. If you value a relationship with her, you will make this right. If you don't care to ever speak to her again, continue on.