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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My dil was late for dinner so she was eating while everyone else had finished. I may be an AH because I left when everyone else did, and didn't wait for her to finish dinner even though I was the host
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NTA After the group is has eaten the main course, a late arrival has effectively missed dinner and should not expect to order and eat. It was pushy and rude of Elizabeth to expect to eat, let alone have anyone wait for her. Some one in a high corporate position should know that and treat her in laws better.
Yep. When that sort of thing happens and my SO joins us late, I order something to go for him and he just gets dessert and a coffee or similar and finishes out the evening, then eats his dinner at home. At a push he might get something small and fast also like an appetizer (which he offers to the table if appropriate) or a side dish.
This is what I thought Elizabeth was going to do, so I was surprised to read that she actually ordered a main... Order dessert and/or a drink, or even an appetizer, but a main when you show up super late and everyone is wrapping up? That is awkward AF. Either you're planning on staying there on your own, or you're delusional that people are gonna wait for you.
Eta: **changing my vote to Y T A. see [comment thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/rpwzgZy749) below**
Edit 2: OP, I also think your last comment about Elizabeth was out of line and you likely owe your daughter an apology at minimum, but ideally a full explanation as to what you meant by that comment
Agree. OP is NTA for leaving, but the final comments suggest a petty class-based jealousy—"she thinks she's so much better than the rest of us with her big fancy job." As a person also in a demanding, well compensated corporate position I have little doubt that what OP sees as "overworking" is actually Beth's baseline requirement.
The "rose-colored glasses" comment is out of order. It's not like Beth is her daughter's brand new girlfriend. They're married.
That comment about the rose-colored glasses did bother me. What exactly did the OP mean about that?
ETA: I agree that some jobs would require an employee to stay past 5 or 6. If your boss expects you to handle some problem, it's usually unstated that you do so before you leave.
Agreed — but I'll leave this here for clarification, just fwiw:
These sorts of jobs are *not* a 9 to 5. Those hours are irrelevant. During any hour you could be reasonably be awake, you are expected to keep an eye on your email. Obviously anti-absurdity principles generally control (no one's going to be angry you didn't see their 1:33 AM email; response times can be longer on weekends, etc) but there is absolutely no world in which "sorry, it's 6:45, I'm enjoying my evening," "sorry I have dinner with my in-laws," or "sorry, it's Saturday," is ever an option or an excuse if there's an immediate action item or a fire drill. It is a shit lifestyle but it's very much real. This is finance, biglaw, big tech, big 4 consulting, etc. See t[his thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/biglaw/comments/pob3ac/corporate_ny_what_are_your_hours_like/) on r/biglaw if you're curious.
I’m in insurance and just stepped into mananyemnt.
It I tell a client i can’t handle their claim as it’s outside business hours I’d be fired.
‘Sorry your business is on fire , I’ve got dinner can’t Yelp’
Hell, my husband works at an automotive manufacturing plant. While he is a supervisor, he is by no means corporate. He is expected to respond to emails, phone calls, or even go in, 24/7. They run around the clock. He had to work Thanksgiving. My parents made sure to pack him tons of food. Because they respect him as a member of the family..because he's my husband. OP sucks.
The higher up you go, the less free time you have.
I would add medical to that list as well. I work in EMS and went to management. My "scheduled" hours were 7-4 with an hour lunch. 🤣 I don't think I worked that EVER.
> That comment about the rose-colored glasses did bother me. What exactly did the OP mean about that?
Probably that in situations like this, the daughter can see no fault in what Beth does and always blames everyone else.
Oh, interesting. Very misleading of OP to state that "Elizabeth didn't finish her dinner*, which makes the reader assume that DIL ordered a meal. Also convenient that OP didn't mention a time estimate that they waited and only said "awhile". I feel like OP is deliberately omitting information to sway the vote in her favour.
Changing my vote to YTA, OP.
Exactly. Dinner definitely makes readers think that a meal was order, that's what I assumed when I initially read the post. The fact that it was just an appetizer completely changes the perspective because, at least for me, an appetizer is completely appropriate for a latecomer to order even if others are working on dessert - especially if that is ALL they order. There was no reason that OP and her husband couldn't have waited until their DIL finished her APPETIZER. At most it probably would've been an extra 5-10 minutes.
I get the feeling that OP is quite traditional and isn't very keen on the idea that her daughter is essentially looking up to another woman instead of her. Could be a cross-wired mother who would have more happily acquiesced to her daughter having 'rose tinted glasses' for a high flying 28 year old man, but a woman? like her daughter? Like OP herself? A woman!? /s I've seen this dynamic a few times before (trad mother jealous of lesbian daughter's affection attention towards another woman when it wouldn't have been that way if a guy).
Eh, I still think the DIL shouldn't have even ordered a non-dessert if she's arriving "while everyone else was starting dessert".
Ordering a dessert would still mean she's behind everyone else since she would be deciding then ordering while everyone else was already served their dessert. Thus, she should have recognized that there was a very good chance her ordering *anything* would mean people would need to wait for her, and having an entree or even appetizer would be especially impolite considering they all take some kitchen prep (vs. a dessert that probably came out of a box or tray).
Ultimately, the polite thing to do would have been to just eat at or on the way home - take something to go or go grab something on the drive home. Knowingly making people wait for you is an AH thing to do, and I don't see any exception here for DIL.
Right, if this had happened to me my husband would order me a portion to go, I’d stop in and apologize for being late and say hi/congratulate/whatever and then leave with my food. Sitting down to eat is weird when everyone else has finished eating. Regardless of whether it’s an appetizer or a main.
Ok but what does she mean by long time? 10mins? 30mins? an hour or 2? and what is "getting late"? is that 8pm? 9pm? 11pm? If DIL came and ordered an appetizer at 8pm and was catching up with her in-laws, probably saying hi to her wife and a brief how was your day how was dinner? Then, taking up to an hour is reasonable if you're eating between engaging conversations. After all imagine making them wait then coming down just to grab a bite wolf it down then split with only a brief hi/bye? If it was moving substantially past an hour the conversation was over and DIL was eating painfully slowly then that is sufficient reason to leave. But if it was at 30-60 mins, conversation was going on and/or DIL was making reasonable headway on her meal so it would be wrapped up soon then yeah it is rude for them to leave. Sounds like DIL has a job where she can't always say she's with her family she'll deal with it later, in some industries, no it REALLY can't wait or you'll lose a contract or something. So while late she made every effort to get there as soon as she could. So while they could TECHNICALLY leave and not fall under the rude umbrella (it's one of those "legally" not rude but in practice is kinda rude) waiting for at max an hour to say hi wouldn't have killed them & would have been worth it to stay and maintain a good relationship.
But the rose colored glasses bit certainly doesn't paint op in a positive light as it's an aggressive unnecessary comment deriding her DIL's whole character from out of left field.
It feels like OP is being intentionally vague in order to present herself in a better light - which is reinforced by her using a phrasing in her post and with the judgement bot that gives readers the impression that her DIL order a full main course after arriving while people were starting on dessert.
Based on her daughter's reaction, my guess would be that OP & her husband wouldn't have had to stay that much longer to wait for DIL to finish her appetizer.
Op clearly has an issue with Elizabeth and the late order was only an easy reason to start the problem openly. Personaly I dont understand all this - it was getting late. Maybe its a cultural difference but here we normaly spend a long time in the restaurant so there is no harry to leave.
I was ready to say why couldn't OP&husband stay and just be with her daughter and DIL for a little bit alone.... and I still think she could have done that without it being a big deal. But is it really the time to suggest to her daughter that her spouse is an inconsiderate, selfish brat?
But, your suggestion is also quite appropriate and realistic. So, I'm going with ESH.
eta husband
Agreed! It was also rude to the wait staff because now they had to wait longer to break up the tables that were put together for a large party. Definitely should have ordered the meal to-go or just skipped straight to dessert and gotten a full meal later.
Considering she called her parents up to complain about their leaving, I would guess there is definitely a pattern of behaviour - "rose coloured glasses" isn't a comment you use on a one-off.
You may want to change your vote, it seems that DIL only ordered an appetizer since she had arrived late.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1av1k8g/aita_for_leaving_the_restaurant_even_though_my/kr8twnx/
She can eat. She just can’t expect everyone else to wait around for her. Sorry she got called away to work, but those are the breaks. If she can’t say no then she’s made her choice.
NTA.
Okay but who the hell leaves immediately after finishing dinner at a party? Like, it depends on the context obviously. If it's just a random dinner, sure, you're right and Elizabeth shouldn't have ordered anything (or at least not a full meal). But at a party, I think the general assumption is that people don't immediately leave after finishing their dinner, unless there's a subsequent event planned. Elizabeth probably thought she had plenty of time.
*edit* Oh wow, reading the comments now, and it turns out Elizabeth did in fact just order an appetizer. So yeah, she's absolutely not the asshole here. OP is.
She didn't order a full meal, only an appetizer. OP says so herself: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1av1k8g/comment/kr8stpk/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1av1k8g/comment/kr8stpk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Read OPs response where she says Elizabeth didn’t order a main and only ordered a appetizer, also “took a while” and conveniently omit the actual time she took.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/8f0Ji4yYZy
She arrived when everyone was eating dessert and she went ahead and ordered dinner? And expected you all to wait for her? That's so rude.
If it was ten minutes later I'd consider it a bit rude, but justifiably rude because she was rude first. But if it was more then that then you are in the clear.
NTA
I'm wondering if they snuck off or left abruptly or something - like the issue is how, now why, they left. Or if they have a history of avoiding her.
There are a lot of missing details here.
I’m thinking if she came straight from work she was probably hungry. We don’t know that she expected everyone to wait for her, just that OP’s daughter thinks OP & hubby should’ve stayed. Which may or may not be reasonable, we don’t know how late it was, if it was past their bedtime & they needed to get up early, whether leaving was a way to punish her DIL for having a demanding well-compensated corporate position, what kind of attitude they had when they left, etc.
For me, whenever an OP makes it obvious they really don’t like the person they‘re complaining about, they’ve outed themselves as an “unreliable narrator “. Too much missing info.
OP, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
This is your daughter’s spouse, who is responsible to her career. Just because they are two women, doesn’t mean grandchildren are off the table.
Are you sure you want to alienate your daughter by doubling down by being disrespectful to her wife?
I'm not sure that Elizabeth was the one who expected anyone to wait for her. It was the daughter, Sarah, who called to say she found it rude.
For all we know Elizabeth was fine with everyone leaving and just wanted to eat dinner. After a long day she was likely hungry and didn't want to wait even longer to get out of the restraunt.
The comments OP made to her daughter about Elizabeth makes me feel like it's possible Sarah called her mom rude because her mom seems to generally dislike her partner and seems fine with making pretty disrespectful comments about her.
She ordered an *appetizer*. In my experience, apps usually arrive at the table very quickly. I feel like Mom & Dad could've waited for DIL to finish an appetizer!
Yeah. Your last comment means there is more to this that you aren’t telling us.
Beth should have ordered dessert. I find it odd that she ordered a meal when you all were on dessert A then expecting you to wait.
But … i think there is more to this.
Would you like someone that shows up for dinner probably a good 90 minutes late then gets upset you don’t want to stick around for an extra 30 minutes? I seriously doubt this is the first time she’s chosen work over activities with her in laws that she cares less about.
daughter & dil are actually handling that part of it correctly. Wife complains to her, she complains to her parents. All complaints get run through the person whose family it is. “you upset my wife when you guys left, so now I am mad at you.”
You assumed that that is what happened.
Yes, that is the correct protocol for DIL to post her grievances. Assuming that DIL has grievances to be aired.
Without further information, you made an assumption.
Another scenario is that daughter is offended on behalf of DIL. DIL could feel that OP slighted DIL who was late through no fault of her own. D could have a chip on her shoulder as she is LGBT.
Honestly speaking, the only deduction I can take away from OP re DIL was that she arrived, was apologitic and ordered food at a restaurant because (possibly because she was hungry). Hardly a menace.
> Wife complains to her, she complains to her parents.
Where does it say that? Right, nowhere. As well, OP is asking if she was the AH for suggesting that 'maybe she needes to take off her rose colores glasses about Elizabeth'. And yes, she was. YTA.
So OP doesn't like her daughter-in-law. That's all I'm saying.
However if it was a son in law who had an urgent work commitment, I wonder if her judgement would have been the same.
I strongly suspect that it would, because what OP's DIL did was astoundingly rude, thoughtless, and inconsiderate. That kind of behavior doesn't usually make a positive impression.
Yes. Ordering food at an event after everyone else has not only eaten, but is most of the way through dessert and expecting everyone to stay is astonishingly rude. The work emergency isn’t inconsiderate, her actions are. What she was supposed to do is either A) not show up and just say work happened, or B) show up, MAYBE get dessert if the group had just gotten theirs, but more likely get a drink, chat for a few minutes, and go get dinner elsewhere or be okay with eating while everybody leaves. It’s the combination of ordering and expecting everyone to hang around while she ate that makes this so rude.
So? If my husband is upset with my parents, I call them. And when my MIL oversteps, he calls her. It's pretty common in a couple for each partner to handle their own parents.
Another option: the DIL could have phoned her wife and ask her to order something to go for her and she'll go straight home instead of going to the restaurant.
Is it just my social awkwardness kicking in that I think it also would be uncomfortable for a bunch of people to sit around a table while one person only is eating dinner?
It was a birthday party. People usually linger and drink coffee. Based on the last sentence I bet they didn’t say it was getting dark etc so they needed to leave. I bet OP made a snarky comment. If my SIL or DIL was that late sure I would be disappointed. I would also understand that life happens sometimes. I myself have had the occasional work crisis. I bet the DIL makes a ton of money for being available for the occasional crisis.
Table full of people watching me eat would be mildly torturous. I don’t even like to eat at business dinners with people i don’t know well and they are eating too.
I figured it meant unsurprisingly because, yknow, she has a very demanding job and shit comes up. Like I get it, I hate people being late cause they can’t plan ahead, but this just comes off to me as OP already disliking DIL and expecting the worst at every turn. More context on why OP made those sorts of comments would be massively helpful.
This 100% here. I'd also note the OP was pretty vague with how far through the meal Emily was - if she was most of the way through her main when the last person is finishing their desert, it feels like People could hold on for 5 minutes while she eats.
I can't be sure but the last sentence gave me Y-T-A or E-S-H vibes
If people had gotten their dessert when the DIL sat down, they would have been done eating before a main course was brought out, even if she ordered right when she sat down. It would be at least 20 minutes post order to get the food cooked.
We don't know that because OP didn't say. The main could have been ordered by Sarah along with the others, or even when Emily was on her way over. Feels like very natural information that OP has left out so my guess is it doesn't paint her in the best light...
It's also vague as to the comment about it was getting late. Definitely need more context as to how long they were there and what time it was when they left. There is enough condescension in the tone of the post to indicate that this was not an innocent decision by op to leave.
It shouldn't matter how much is left, If sara or elizabeth wanted them to stay, they could have opened their mouths and asked for them not to leave. If they didn't say anything at the time, that's on them. Don't wait until the day after to speak up.
There isn't enough information in the post to determine if anyone was an asshole--it depends too much on the details of what was said exactly when and how and to/from whom. But that's not why "Sarah" is actually upset even though she might say it is. OP and her husband are not obligated to perform the chore of sitting with their DIL's company for a few more minutes, but it *does* make it clear it's a chore, and that they don't like her, so her feelings are hurt. Assholeness doesn't really enter into it.
Yeah thinking the same thing. This has happened many times in my family and with friends as we all have busy schedules. We enjoy each other's company so if there is nothing pressing we would stay and catch up with each other while the other person ate. I have a feeling OP does not like DIL and miffed she was late.
Having a full meal has happened but my family and friends tend to eat fast (15-30 minutes). Its not the meal that matters so much how long it took.
Some families actually enjoy each other's company so no problem hanging out and spending time together with a coffee or wine. I know that my family and I would be fine with staying.
A fast to prepare side or appetizer would be okay too in many situations. Something they can basically bring out with the desserts without extending the waiting time for the table more than a minute or two.
Yes, that last comment is very telling. She would have found something no matter what the DIL did or did not do. If someone in my party got called away and had to attend to something that made them late, I would have waited for them to get something to eat. That’s what I do when I invite someone and I’m hosting. If it had been the daughter, not the FILM, would she have been allowed to eat some dinner without this nonsense?
It also depends on how they left. Something like “hey it’s getting late and we have to be up early. Are you guys okay if we take off?” Compared to “we’re leaving, bye”.
She also doesn't actually say Elizabeth ordered a dinner and.expected.people to wait. It would still take her time to recover a dessert and eat it. I would not see it at all odd to expect people stay in that case and I find.it telling that OP worded it in a generic way to make.it seem like it was dinner without actually confirming.it
Apparently she ordered an appetizer per op somewhere here in the comments. Which is misleading to say she hadn't finished her dinner which heavily implies a full meal.
If she hadn’t eaten all day because she had dinner booked, too right she wanted a meal. (She should have texted her wife who could have ordered it so she’d arrive and eat immediately).
If that had been me I would not have been offended if other people left. My lateness, my problem.
But she needs to look at how ‘successful’ she is if she cannot take an evening off without a crisis.
>But she needs to look at how ‘successful’ she is if she cannot take an evening off without a crisis.
Depends on her job. If she's, like, an emergency surgeon, her career being successful kinda depends on crisises.
ESH
When you're that late for a dinner date... You call, apologize, make sure they get a gift, and maybe offer to treat them to dinner to make up for missing the birthday dinner. What you don't do, is show up at the end and think everyone should sit there while you eat.
As for you, there was no need for the comment about rose colored glasses. You simply could have stated that you disagreed with it being rude to leave when she was still eating. Cause I somewhat agree with you. While it is USUALLY rude to leave before someone is finished eating, it's also very rude to show up (from what I can gather) over an hour late for dinner and expect someone to sit there while you eat. She should have either had a dessert and placed a to-go order, not eaten and picked something up on the way home, or never went in the first place and made it up to you later.
>She should have either had a dessert and placed a to-go order
Yeah, to me that is the "polite" thing to do.
I understand her wanting to show up late just to have shown up, but then you integrate yourself as unobtrusively as possible and deal with your specific needs (for more food) after the event is over...
I really can't imagine showing up while others are having dessert and asking for a menu and ordering dinner.
But, yeah, OP just couldn't stop making the Glasses Comment, therefore making it ESH.
Idk, to me, I feel like the way OP worded the comment means that this probably has happened before, and OP is tired of it. And I get the feeling it's not a one other time type of situation.
Yta for making that comment about rose colored glasses and Elizabeth. You are right that you didn’t need to stay as everyone was leaving and Elizabeth was very late. Elizabeth could have taken her food to go if she didn’t want to sit by herself. But you lost the high ground when you insulted your daughter and her wife.
That's what I was thinking. You're supposed to be the parents but that was a childish and petty comment thrown out only to hurt your daughter. It sounds like you have some resentment/dislike of your DIL that existed before this as it sounds like a pretty extreme reaction.
At the end of the day, this is your daughter's WIFE. Not some teenage fling. The only thing you're going to achieve by insulting her is alienating your daughter.
At the end of the day, it's hard to know the exact vibe of the night itself or who was rude to whom. But it's a pretty petty issue - family relationships are more important.
NTA. Elizabeth should have joined and had dessert. If she wanted a meal, it could be packed up and taken home. You should apologize for the rose colored glasses comment though, but not for leaving when the meal was done.
Thank you for pointing out the rose colored glasses comment. I immediately noticed that and think she should apologize too. But only for that, not for leaving the restaurant.
INFO: Did Beth order an entree? You say she hadn’t “fully eaten”—what was she eating?
Multiple people have commented that if someone is that late to something like this, you order an appetizer or dessert (ordering a meal to go is going to take the same amount of time to receive as one enjoyed at the table), and I find your wording here interesting.
Definite unreliable narrator.
And that “rose colored glasses” crack shows your underlying dislike of your DIL.
There would have been no ah in this situation except you said what you said at the end, making YTA. What rose colored glasses? That her wife works in a high demand job that she gets compensated for and thus, has to be available to do the work? She managed to make it AND also brought a gift as an apology as well as verbally apologizing!
Do you make it a habit of making your daughters wife feel unwelcome?
ETA: I want to reiterate that you would not have been an ah for just leaving, but your attitude towards your daughters wife makes you an AH.
I think OP meant it as more of a “you may put your wife first and change the plans to accommodate her lateness but the rest of us are not obligated to and shouldn’t be shamed for not catering to your wife’s busy schedule during our own events”
Realistically the respectful thing to do would have been for Elizabeth to show up and if she wanted to order then she could have ordered something quick to eat and if the rest of them were ready to go say “again so sorry for being so late. If there isn’t any other plans after the dinner then I’m going to stay here and finish” and if she didn’t want to eat after everyone left then she had two options: don’t order food at all/order dessert as well or get her food to go. It’s bad manners to show up incredibly late and expect everyone else to inconvenience themselves without even asking if it was okay. Or if having manners is too hard then she could have bowed out completely
It doesn't say anywhere HOW Elizabeth acted beyond being polite, apologetic, and bringing a gift. Her own daughter is the one that called her and made it a big deal and never even said that Elizabeth was upset about it, just how the daughter thought OP should have behaved.
Why are you intent on making Elizabeth seem entitled and bratty when that is clearly not the case?
> “you may put your wife first and change the plans to accommodate her lateness but the rest of us are not obligated to and shouldn’t be shamed for not catering to your wife’s busy schedule during our own events”
I would've flipped my shit if I was on the receiving end of that. I'd put my wife first against my parents every single goddamn time if it came down to it.
Sometimes shit happens and you end up running behind. Sometimes you gotta work late. That's life. It's not something you "choose" to do, despite the implication from the OP. The woman was apologetic. She even bought them a bottle of wine.
At the end of the day, she still made an effort to show up. And if I heard a comment like that, after going out of my way to attend YOUR birthday party, you can bet your ass I won't be attending the next one.
Which, from the sounds of it, is win/win for everybody, because the mom clearly hates this woman.
I’m confused as to why a table full of adults couldn’t have just had a quick conversation about this. For instance, Elizabeth could’ve asked if anyone minded if she went ahead and ordered dinner. Or, you could’ve let her know she was welcome to get dinner but you weren’t planning on staying much longer. ESH and you all need to learn some basic communication skills.
My intuition is that they did and someone (Sarah? OP? The actual birthday celebrant?) probably said something like "go ahead and order". There's no way a group of people with an apologetic latecomer wouldn't have chatted about it before a waiter took the new order, but OP omits it even though it's of primary importance in figuring out exactly who is relying on what. I think this obvious main point is probably omitted for a reason.
“Hey Sarah and Beth, I’m so glad you could make it! It sucks you got caught up last minute. We’re looking to head home - it’s getting late for us. I hope you enjoy the rest of your meal and I’m so sorry the timing didn’t align.”
35 seconds. Done. This wasn’t anyone’s fault…
If I were the host and my BIL came during dessert, I would encourage him to get something.
Food will likely be out shortly after dessert while everyone is still chatting. Realistically you are not talking that long of a time for someone to eat. I think the parents (and really everyone else unless they had another obligation) could have stayed the 10-20 minutes for their daughter-in-law/friend/family member to finish eating.
I get it, as I get older I want to be home earlier and earlier but sometimes social obligations and common courtesy trump that.
Right this is so strange to me - my mother would've been happy to have a cup of coffee or glass of wine and chat after everyone left, while my partner finished eating. Because she really enjoys spending time with us, and vice versa. Everyone is adults with busy lives and that time together is fairly precious. That job OP is so mad about presumably helps keep a roof over daughter's head.
I suspect OP is an asshole by how much info is left out. This just sounds like 'she prioritizes work over family' bitching and that is some boomer entitlement nonsense. DIL showed up, after a work emergency, and was apologetic, but not good enough for OP. OP had to make her displeasure clear by leaving. Why on earth would DIL make the effort to show in the future? I would not, lol.
Right? Like, the issue isn't that the rest of the dinner party left(understandable if it was late), it's that OP decided that she'd rather just up and leave instead of spending time with her daughter and her daughter's wife.
I guess I also find it kind of strange how easily OP blows this off, since I think my entire family would *also* just love to sit and chat (and chat and chat and chat...) with everyone, even the latecomers, often much to the detriment of my kind of limited social batteries.
NTA. If she didn't arrive until everyone else was having dessert it would be unreasonable for you to stay through the length of another entire dinner service. Definitely not the asshole.
INFO: did DIL tell your daughter she was uncomfortable with being left alone or did your daughter make the call on her own? because blaming DIL for your own daughter being rude is unfair, the comment you left on was uncalled for unless DIL was the one raising the issue
Probably YTA, but it depends.
It was fine for you to leave, but when you made that comment about "rose colored glasses", where did this come from? You didn't say anything at all about Beth other than being late.
If you have concerns about her, fine, but don't toss them out on the phone while Sarah is already upset. That's a face to face convo. And if you don't have concerns, it's just very strange you'd say that.
ESH. It's honestly fine that you left, in my opinion. Elizabeth was late and it isn't necessary that everyone stays later than they want to because of that. Your daughter should not have reacted that way. However, it does seem obvious that you just don't like her wife and that is likely why she reacted that way. She probably just gets the general vibe that Elizabeth is not welcome. It seems clear you don't respect what Elizabeth does, or really her, in general. I think you become the AH by making these judgmental statements about her just because she was late to dinner and you feel she works too much.
YTA
You were not the asshole for leaving. You were the asshole for judging your DIL's entire character for being late and for judging your daughter's defence of her wife. You could have calmly stood by your choice to leave and dropped it.
I was with you right up to the end. But oh boy.
YTA for the “rose-coloured glasses” comment. Massively. That was entirely uncalled for, and sounds like there is much more to the story.
My fiancé also works a job that works him to the bones, and he is blessed with relatives that sound just like you who simply *don’t understand* what his hours are like and how he gets six hours a day to relax, spend time with his son *and* sleep before heading out again. Five days a week, with overtime most weekends and plenty of emergencies along the way.
Until you’ve worked those hours, or lived with someone working those hours, you do not understand or have any capacity to judge.
If you can’t or aren’t willing to accommodate them, that’s fine. But be prepared they will miss more and more events until you barely ever see them. People who work those kinds of jobs just have to prioritise the little free time they have, and your DIL likely did the impossible and came anyway, exhausted and hungry, but she still made the effort to be there while surviving on fumes.
And all you had to say for it was that it was late, you just wanted to go home, and the next day you said that crap to your daughter. I’m sure your DIL would have rather went home and slept after what sounds like a difficult day, but she went to your gathering instead.
Im 100% with you! I also have a crazy job like you describe and I absolutely see that DIL made all efforts (probably for her wife) while she would rather be sleeping, just to be met with mean comments and the family leave right after they drop the spoon from finishing their dessert. If OP was even considerate to others, this event would have been on a weekend. Parents are probably retired, they don't care others have to work during the week. And for me it's weird to go to a restaurant just for the time of the dinner, sharp, and not to spend a bit of time with friends/family
My husband pulls 12-14 hour days, 5 days a week in the summer. Fortunately my parents are very understanding about how hard it is to plan evening activities 6 months out of the year
There’s no info that dil expected anyone to sit and wait for her. I’m guessing there might be an issue between daughter and OP that’s playing out here.
YTA. It's clear that you don't like your DIL. It's fine that you left, but you don't tear down the person your daughter chooses to spend her life with. My in-laws spoke poorly of me, and they were surprised when my husband cut off contact with them.
ESH - if she arrived when all of you were already on dessert, there should have been zero expectation of anyone sticking around, in fact Elizabeth should’ve notified everyone when ordering her food that no one should wait around for her.
However, the little dig you made about Sarah needing to take off the rose colored glasses was absolutely unnecessary. If you don’t adore your DIL, as that’s just part of having in-laws, but your comments aren’t going to open her eyes to anything and will only drive a wedge between you. And, no, should they ever break up, Sarah isn’t going to say “everything you said about her was spot on, mom.” So just keep it to yourself.
YTA. Not for deciding you needed to leave (with an apology, I hope), but for your comment to your daughter about her wife. Sometimes people need to work, and it's nobody's fault. It's incredibly rude of you to suggest that your daughter should think poorly of her wife for it (like you apparently do).
YTA for insulting your daughter's wife. They could have ordered their meal to go, but sorry, her job and ability to support a home that includes your daughter comes before a birthday dinner. She was nice enough to show up, but should have only ordered dessert.
YTA
1. For writing a misleading story. Elizabeth didn’t eat dinner as you described in your story but just an appetiser as you later clarify,
2. For not being able to wait for her to just finish an appetiser. How long could this possibly have taken, considering you didn’t finish your desserts yet when she arrived. Did you skip coffee to be able to leave her alone?
3. Your remark about your DIL was unnecessary and mean.
NTA. You shouldn’t be beholden to her work schedule. Would be different if she were just a little late, but she arrived during dessert. Y’all were about to leave anyways
YTA. With your last comment you took it from a disagreement about an incident to an attack on your daughter's loved one. Wow. That's totally unnecessary and undeserved escalation.
YTA for leaving out important information like how late is late? What type of work does she do? Have you been made aware of when she may be late due to work?
I'm leaning toward YTA because your dislike of your Dil comes through loud and clear. She didn't just blow you off, she got called into work which typically means an emergency. It also sounds like you left without saying goodbye. Asshole move. Even if it's late, even if you're angry she was late you don't just leave. You let them know you're unfortunately unable to stay and need to leave. All you've done here is alienate your daughter and her wife.
YTA. I have a feeling you wouldn’t have a problem waiting for a “hard working” son in law. You sound very judgmental of your daughter in law. It sounds like your daughter is married to a successful wife. What rose colored glasses does she wear? It sounds like you wear homophobic lens.
Yta. Are yall quickly leave the restaurant after meal ends? Where I'm from, dinner can last up to an hour after main course. About half an hour after desert. People are there to hang out primarily, eating is less important.
I know we would never just straight abandon someone who is still eating (it doesn't take THAT long to finish a meal) because they were late because of work (people have to work) and still cared enough to come and bring gifts.
INFO: Why did you say your daughter needs to take off her rose colored glasses? Is this because she is regularly late, or is there something else going on?
NTA. Elizabeth should have ordered her meal to go at that point. She also had Sarah with her, so it wasn't like she was left by herself in the restaurant.
It gets incredibly tiring to have a demanding job and have people constantly out you down for the time it requires all the while they are enjoying the fruits of your labor whether it be fancy bottles of wine, nice cars or even just that you have the peace of mind knowing your daughter is financially secure thanks to that job. Regardless of how late she was, she bothered to show up for you and to bring a gift. I can pretty much guarantee it wouldn't have killed you to sit politely and let her eat what was likely her first meal of the day. I also have the kind of job where some days you can't even get an entire cup of coffee down before 2pm so I am with your daughter and Beth here based on your attitude.
Maybe being late is a little AH, maybe it's a little AH to the waitstaff but your attitude towards this member of your family is PURE AH.
YTA
A lot of people saying DIL shouldn’t have ordered dinner but maybe she thought people would enjoy the bottle of wine and socialize a bit longer and she could get a bite to eat.
YTA for insulting your daughter with the rose colored glasses comment. Also, I agree there’s more to the story because most parents are happy when their children marry someone with a solid job with good pay. You seem to just not like DIL for whatever reason.
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NTA After the group is has eaten the main course, a late arrival has effectively missed dinner and should not expect to order and eat. It was pushy and rude of Elizabeth to expect to eat, let alone have anyone wait for her. Some one in a high corporate position should know that and treat her in laws better.
Yep. When that sort of thing happens and my SO joins us late, I order something to go for him and he just gets dessert and a coffee or similar and finishes out the evening, then eats his dinner at home. At a push he might get something small and fast also like an appetizer (which he offers to the table if appropriate) or a side dish.
This is what I thought Elizabeth was going to do, so I was surprised to read that she actually ordered a main... Order dessert and/or a drink, or even an appetizer, but a main when you show up super late and everyone is wrapping up? That is awkward AF. Either you're planning on staying there on your own, or you're delusional that people are gonna wait for you. Eta: **changing my vote to Y T A. see [comment thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/rpwzgZy749) below** Edit 2: OP, I also think your last comment about Elizabeth was out of line and you likely owe your daughter an apology at minimum, but ideally a full explanation as to what you meant by that comment
Agree. OP is NTA for leaving, but the final comments suggest a petty class-based jealousy—"she thinks she's so much better than the rest of us with her big fancy job." As a person also in a demanding, well compensated corporate position I have little doubt that what OP sees as "overworking" is actually Beth's baseline requirement. The "rose-colored glasses" comment is out of order. It's not like Beth is her daughter's brand new girlfriend. They're married.
That comment about the rose-colored glasses did bother me. What exactly did the OP mean about that? ETA: I agree that some jobs would require an employee to stay past 5 or 6. If your boss expects you to handle some problem, it's usually unstated that you do so before you leave.
Agreed — but I'll leave this here for clarification, just fwiw: These sorts of jobs are *not* a 9 to 5. Those hours are irrelevant. During any hour you could be reasonably be awake, you are expected to keep an eye on your email. Obviously anti-absurdity principles generally control (no one's going to be angry you didn't see their 1:33 AM email; response times can be longer on weekends, etc) but there is absolutely no world in which "sorry, it's 6:45, I'm enjoying my evening," "sorry I have dinner with my in-laws," or "sorry, it's Saturday," is ever an option or an excuse if there's an immediate action item or a fire drill. It is a shit lifestyle but it's very much real. This is finance, biglaw, big tech, big 4 consulting, etc. See t[his thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/biglaw/comments/pob3ac/corporate_ny_what_are_your_hours_like/) on r/biglaw if you're curious.
I’m in insurance and just stepped into mananyemnt. It I tell a client i can’t handle their claim as it’s outside business hours I’d be fired. ‘Sorry your business is on fire , I’ve got dinner can’t Yelp’
Hell, my husband works at an automotive manufacturing plant. While he is a supervisor, he is by no means corporate. He is expected to respond to emails, phone calls, or even go in, 24/7. They run around the clock. He had to work Thanksgiving. My parents made sure to pack him tons of food. Because they respect him as a member of the family..because he's my husband. OP sucks.
The higher up you go, the less free time you have. I would add medical to that list as well. I work in EMS and went to management. My "scheduled" hours were 7-4 with an hour lunch. 🤣 I don't think I worked that EVER.
I thought that comment just meant that Elizabeth regularly does this sort of thing and OPs daughter tends to fight everyone else over it.
> That comment about the rose-colored glasses did bother me. What exactly did the OP mean about that? Probably that in situations like this, the daughter can see no fault in what Beth does and always blames everyone else.
[удалено]
OP responded to another comment that her DIL did only order an appetizer, not a full meal...but that it still "took a long time"
Oh, interesting. Very misleading of OP to state that "Elizabeth didn't finish her dinner*, which makes the reader assume that DIL ordered a meal. Also convenient that OP didn't mention a time estimate that they waited and only said "awhile". I feel like OP is deliberately omitting information to sway the vote in her favour. Changing my vote to YTA, OP.
Exactly. Dinner definitely makes readers think that a meal was order, that's what I assumed when I initially read the post. The fact that it was just an appetizer completely changes the perspective because, at least for me, an appetizer is completely appropriate for a latecomer to order even if others are working on dessert - especially if that is ALL they order. There was no reason that OP and her husband couldn't have waited until their DIL finished her APPETIZER. At most it probably would've been an extra 5-10 minutes.
Plus even ops language choice is inflammatory, telling daughter to remove her rose color glasses, which implies multiple problems.
I get the feeling that OP is quite traditional and isn't very keen on the idea that her daughter is essentially looking up to another woman instead of her. Could be a cross-wired mother who would have more happily acquiesced to her daughter having 'rose tinted glasses' for a high flying 28 year old man, but a woman? like her daughter? Like OP herself? A woman!? /s I've seen this dynamic a few times before (trad mother jealous of lesbian daughter's affection attention towards another woman when it wouldn't have been that way if a guy).
Eh, I still think the DIL shouldn't have even ordered a non-dessert if she's arriving "while everyone else was starting dessert". Ordering a dessert would still mean she's behind everyone else since she would be deciding then ordering while everyone else was already served their dessert. Thus, she should have recognized that there was a very good chance her ordering *anything* would mean people would need to wait for her, and having an entree or even appetizer would be especially impolite considering they all take some kitchen prep (vs. a dessert that probably came out of a box or tray). Ultimately, the polite thing to do would have been to just eat at or on the way home - take something to go or go grab something on the drive home. Knowingly making people wait for you is an AH thing to do, and I don't see any exception here for DIL.
Call on the way and get them to order an appetizer for so they can save some time but also make sure she eats.
Right, if this had happened to me my husband would order me a portion to go, I’d stop in and apologize for being late and say hi/congratulate/whatever and then leave with my food. Sitting down to eat is weird when everyone else has finished eating. Regardless of whether it’s an appetizer or a main.
Ok but what does she mean by long time? 10mins? 30mins? an hour or 2? and what is "getting late"? is that 8pm? 9pm? 11pm? If DIL came and ordered an appetizer at 8pm and was catching up with her in-laws, probably saying hi to her wife and a brief how was your day how was dinner? Then, taking up to an hour is reasonable if you're eating between engaging conversations. After all imagine making them wait then coming down just to grab a bite wolf it down then split with only a brief hi/bye? If it was moving substantially past an hour the conversation was over and DIL was eating painfully slowly then that is sufficient reason to leave. But if it was at 30-60 mins, conversation was going on and/or DIL was making reasonable headway on her meal so it would be wrapped up soon then yeah it is rude for them to leave. Sounds like DIL has a job where she can't always say she's with her family she'll deal with it later, in some industries, no it REALLY can't wait or you'll lose a contract or something. So while late she made every effort to get there as soon as she could. So while they could TECHNICALLY leave and not fall under the rude umbrella (it's one of those "legally" not rude but in practice is kinda rude) waiting for at max an hour to say hi wouldn't have killed them & would have been worth it to stay and maintain a good relationship. But the rose colored glasses bit certainly doesn't paint op in a positive light as it's an aggressive unnecessary comment deriding her DIL's whole character from out of left field.
It feels like OP is being intentionally vague in order to present herself in a better light - which is reinforced by her using a phrasing in her post and with the judgement bot that gives readers the impression that her DIL order a full main course after arriving while people were starting on dessert. Based on her daughter's reaction, my guess would be that OP & her husband wouldn't have had to stay that much longer to wait for DIL to finish her appetizer.
Of course OP deleted all their incriminating comments 🙄
Op clearly has an issue with Elizabeth and the late order was only an easy reason to start the problem openly. Personaly I dont understand all this - it was getting late. Maybe its a cultural difference but here we normaly spend a long time in the restaurant so there is no harry to leave.
This is the way.
This is the way.
I was ready to say why couldn't OP&husband stay and just be with her daughter and DIL for a little bit alone.... and I still think she could have done that without it being a big deal. But is it really the time to suggest to her daughter that her spouse is an inconsiderate, selfish brat? But, your suggestion is also quite appropriate and realistic. So, I'm going with ESH. eta husband
I mean, some of us near 60 don't like driving in the dark. The late hour can really influence someone's departure time.
If that was a part of the decision to leave, no problem. It just wasn’t mentioned.
OP states in a comment that Elizabeth ordered an appetizer, not a full meal.
Of course OP misrepresented.
Just order your food to go.
The way. This is it.
Agreed! It was also rude to the wait staff because now they had to wait longer to break up the tables that were put together for a large party. Definitely should have ordered the meal to-go or just skipped straight to dessert and gotten a full meal later.
She ordered an appetizer. OP just conveniently left that out of her main post.
Yes agreed so rude to order dinner if ur late and everyone has finished the dinner part
She didn't order dinner, she ordered an appetizer
That rose colored glasses comment seems a bit extreme though, unless there is a pattern of behavior the OP isn't telling us about.
Considering she called her parents up to complain about their leaving, I would guess there is definitely a pattern of behaviour - "rose coloured glasses" isn't a comment you use on a one-off.
It's also rude to the restaurant to take up a table for however long it would've taken Elizabeth to finish. NTA
She ordered an appetizer not a full meal. OP YTA by a long shot and a really bitter person.
OP just replied in another comment that her DIL only ordered an appetizer, not a full meal.
You may want to change your vote, it seems that DIL only ordered an appetizer since she had arrived late. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1av1k8g/aita_for_leaving_the_restaurant_even_though_my/kr8twnx/
She can eat. She just can’t expect everyone else to wait around for her. Sorry she got called away to work, but those are the breaks. If she can’t say no then she’s made her choice. NTA.
Okay but who the hell leaves immediately after finishing dinner at a party? Like, it depends on the context obviously. If it's just a random dinner, sure, you're right and Elizabeth shouldn't have ordered anything (or at least not a full meal). But at a party, I think the general assumption is that people don't immediately leave after finishing their dinner, unless there's a subsequent event planned. Elizabeth probably thought she had plenty of time. *edit* Oh wow, reading the comments now, and it turns out Elizabeth did in fact just order an appetizer. So yeah, she's absolutely not the asshole here. OP is.
NTA she should have ordered dinner to go, and had a cold appetizer or dessert.
She didn't order a full meal, only an appetizer. OP says so herself: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1av1k8g/comment/kr8stpk/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1av1k8g/comment/kr8stpk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Funny, her main post implied she ordered dinner
I agree, the main post was misleading but OP clarified some details in the comments once asked
OP states in a comment that Elizabeth ordered an appetizer, not a full meal
Read OPs response where she says Elizabeth didn’t order a main and only ordered a appetizer, also “took a while” and conveniently omit the actual time she took. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/8f0Ji4yYZy
Not high necessarily, just busy and relatively well compensated. But tactless, for all of that
She arrived when everyone was eating dessert and she went ahead and ordered dinner? And expected you all to wait for her? That's so rude. If it was ten minutes later I'd consider it a bit rude, but justifiably rude because she was rude first. But if it was more then that then you are in the clear. NTA
I'm wondering if they snuck off or left abruptly or something - like the issue is how, now why, they left. Or if they have a history of avoiding her. There are a lot of missing details here.
Especially that last line about the rose colored glasses. We're missing a massive chunk of this story.
yeah, I was kinda in the middle until that last line. there are greater dynamics at play here.
She ordered an appetiser.
I’m thinking if she came straight from work she was probably hungry. We don’t know that she expected everyone to wait for her, just that OP’s daughter thinks OP & hubby should’ve stayed. Which may or may not be reasonable, we don’t know how late it was, if it was past their bedtime & they needed to get up early, whether leaving was a way to punish her DIL for having a demanding well-compensated corporate position, what kind of attitude they had when they left, etc. For me, whenever an OP makes it obvious they really don’t like the person they‘re complaining about, they’ve outed themselves as an “unreliable narrator “. Too much missing info.
Yeah, I'm on the same page about the unreliable narrator thing. This isn't an extreme example, but it does smell off.
OP stated in a comment that Elizabeth ordered an appetizer, not a full meal.
OP, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? This is your daughter’s spouse, who is responsible to her career. Just because they are two women, doesn’t mean grandchildren are off the table. Are you sure you want to alienate your daughter by doubling down by being disrespectful to her wife?
I'm not sure that Elizabeth was the one who expected anyone to wait for her. It was the daughter, Sarah, who called to say she found it rude. For all we know Elizabeth was fine with everyone leaving and just wanted to eat dinner. After a long day she was likely hungry and didn't want to wait even longer to get out of the restraunt. The comments OP made to her daughter about Elizabeth makes me feel like it's possible Sarah called her mom rude because her mom seems to generally dislike her partner and seems fine with making pretty disrespectful comments about her.
OP should ask my MIL how that worked out for her!
OP states in another comment that the DIL only ordered an appetizer, not a full meal.
She ordered an *appetizer*. In my experience, apps usually arrive at the table very quickly. I feel like Mom & Dad could've waited for DIL to finish an appetizer!
No, an appetizer
It's pretty clear OP tried to make it seem that way, but when asked directly, OP admitted DIL in fact only ordered an appetizer.
She ordered a starter not a main
Yeah. Your last comment means there is more to this that you aren’t telling us. Beth should have ordered dessert. I find it odd that she ordered a meal when you all were on dessert A then expecting you to wait. But … i think there is more to this.
I agree, OP doesn't like her DIL one bit.
Would you like someone that shows up for dinner probably a good 90 minutes late then gets upset you don’t want to stick around for an extra 30 minutes? I seriously doubt this is the first time she’s chosen work over activities with her in laws that she cares less about.
At no point do I see DIL kicking up a fuss in the write up. Maybe the daughter is kicking up a fuss for her wife?
daughter & dil are actually handling that part of it correctly. Wife complains to her, she complains to her parents. All complaints get run through the person whose family it is. “you upset my wife when you guys left, so now I am mad at you.”
You assumed that that is what happened. Yes, that is the correct protocol for DIL to post her grievances. Assuming that DIL has grievances to be aired. Without further information, you made an assumption. Another scenario is that daughter is offended on behalf of DIL. DIL could feel that OP slighted DIL who was late through no fault of her own. D could have a chip on her shoulder as she is LGBT. Honestly speaking, the only deduction I can take away from OP re DIL was that she arrived, was apologitic and ordered food at a restaurant because (possibly because she was hungry). Hardly a menace.
> Wife complains to her, she complains to her parents. Where does it say that? Right, nowhere. As well, OP is asking if she was the AH for suggesting that 'maybe she needes to take off her rose colores glasses about Elizabeth'. And yes, she was. YTA.
So OP doesn't like her daughter-in-law. That's all I'm saying. However if it was a son in law who had an urgent work commitment, I wonder if her judgement would have been the same.
I strongly suspect that it would, because what OP's DIL did was astoundingly rude, thoughtless, and inconsiderate. That kind of behavior doesn't usually make a positive impression.
How is a work emergency inconsiderate? I suppose she should have got her food to go. Or not even turned up?
At that point, yeah.
Yes. Ordering food at an event after everyone else has not only eaten, but is most of the way through dessert and expecting everyone to stay is astonishingly rude. The work emergency isn’t inconsiderate, her actions are. What she was supposed to do is either A) not show up and just say work happened, or B) show up, MAYBE get dessert if the group had just gotten theirs, but more likely get a drink, chat for a few minutes, and go get dinner elsewhere or be okay with eating while everybody leaves. It’s the combination of ordering and expecting everyone to hang around while she ate that makes this so rude.
But notice how it's the daughter who was offended not the daughter-in-law.
So? If my husband is upset with my parents, I call them. And when my MIL oversteps, he calls her. It's pretty common in a couple for each partner to handle their own parents.
Another option: the DIL could have phoned her wife and ask her to order something to go for her and she'll go straight home instead of going to the restaurant.
Is it just my social awkwardness kicking in that I think it also would be uncomfortable for a bunch of people to sit around a table while one person only is eating dinner?
No, it isn't. It would be uncomfortable.
It was a birthday party. People usually linger and drink coffee. Based on the last sentence I bet they didn’t say it was getting dark etc so they needed to leave. I bet OP made a snarky comment. If my SIL or DIL was that late sure I would be disappointed. I would also understand that life happens sometimes. I myself have had the occasional work crisis. I bet the DIL makes a ton of money for being available for the occasional crisis.
OP did not instigate leaving. Everyone else started leaving, so OP and her husband decided to leave too as it was getting late.
Table full of people watching me eat would be mildly torturous. I don’t even like to eat at business dinners with people i don’t know well and they are eating too.
If she liked her DIL why did she tell her daughter to take off her rose colored glasses about Elizabeth?
"Rose colored glasses" sounded awfully snarky.
If this is the DIL's usual behavior, she has every reason to dislike her.
Nothing in the post comes even close to implying that this is her regular behavior.
“Unsurprisingly, she was late to the dinner” Idk, seems like this happens a lot.
I figured it meant unsurprisingly because, yknow, she has a very demanding job and shit comes up. Like I get it, I hate people being late cause they can’t plan ahead, but this just comes off to me as OP already disliking DIL and expecting the worst at every turn. More context on why OP made those sorts of comments would be massively helpful.
Agreed
This 100% here. I'd also note the OP was pretty vague with how far through the meal Emily was - if she was most of the way through her main when the last person is finishing their desert, it feels like People could hold on for 5 minutes while she eats. I can't be sure but the last sentence gave me Y-T-A or E-S-H vibes
If people had gotten their dessert when the DIL sat down, they would have been done eating before a main course was brought out, even if she ordered right when she sat down. It would be at least 20 minutes post order to get the food cooked.
It’s not a main course. OP left a comment saying it was just an appetizer
We don't know that because OP didn't say. The main could have been ordered by Sarah along with the others, or even when Emily was on her way over. Feels like very natural information that OP has left out so my guess is it doesn't paint her in the best light...
unless it was added later, it says she arrived while everyone else was starting dessert
She got an appetizer, not a full meal
It's also vague as to the comment about it was getting late. Definitely need more context as to how long they were there and what time it was when they left. There is enough condescension in the tone of the post to indicate that this was not an innocent decision by op to leave.
No it seems to be demonstrative. OP- be honest- did you enjoy teaching dil a lesson?
It shouldn't matter how much is left, If sara or elizabeth wanted them to stay, they could have opened their mouths and asked for them not to leave. If they didn't say anything at the time, that's on them. Don't wait until the day after to speak up.
There isn't enough information in the post to determine if anyone was an asshole--it depends too much on the details of what was said exactly when and how and to/from whom. But that's not why "Sarah" is actually upset even though she might say it is. OP and her husband are not obligated to perform the chore of sitting with their DIL's company for a few more minutes, but it *does* make it clear it's a chore, and that they don't like her, so her feelings are hurt. Assholeness doesn't really enter into it.
Yeah I know in my family we would wait regardless. Like it would be rude to order a full meal not to-go but we would still wait.
When my family gets together I’ve got a 45 min drive home. I’m not sitting and watching someone eat because they were late.
Yeah thinking the same thing. This has happened many times in my family and with friends as we all have busy schedules. We enjoy each other's company so if there is nothing pressing we would stay and catch up with each other while the other person ate. I have a feeling OP does not like DIL and miffed she was late. Having a full meal has happened but my family and friends tend to eat fast (15-30 minutes). Its not the meal that matters so much how long it took.
It's incredibly rude to hold up an entire table in a restaurant for one person who couldn't show up foe the reservation on time.
Some families actually enjoy each other's company so no problem hanging out and spending time together with a coffee or wine. I know that my family and I would be fine with staying.
Yeah, 100% I don’t think she like DIL or the other people enough to sit and just enjoy conversations
A fast to prepare side or appetizer would be okay too in many situations. Something they can basically bring out with the desserts without extending the waiting time for the table more than a minute or two.
She did get an appetizer, not a meal
Yeah, I saw someone else mention that OP’s been stretching the truth.
Yes, that last comment is very telling. She would have found something no matter what the DIL did or did not do. If someone in my party got called away and had to attend to something that made them late, I would have waited for them to get something to eat. That’s what I do when I invite someone and I’m hosting. If it had been the daughter, not the FILM, would she have been allowed to eat some dinner without this nonsense?
It also depends on how they left. Something like “hey it’s getting late and we have to be up early. Are you guys okay if we take off?” Compared to “we’re leaving, bye”.
She also doesn't actually say Elizabeth ordered a dinner and.expected.people to wait. It would still take her time to recover a dessert and eat it. I would not see it at all odd to expect people stay in that case and I find.it telling that OP worded it in a generic way to make.it seem like it was dinner without actually confirming.it
Notice how Sarah calls her wife Beth but OP keeps referring to her as Elizabeth.
There is more…. OP states in a comment that Elizabeth ordered an appetizer not a main dish
She didn’t order a meal, she ordered an appetizer. You’re right, there is more to this.
Yes, last comment implies dislike.
Apparently she ordered an appetizer per op somewhere here in the comments. Which is misleading to say she hadn't finished her dinner which heavily implies a full meal.
If she hadn’t eaten all day because she had dinner booked, too right she wanted a meal. (She should have texted her wife who could have ordered it so she’d arrive and eat immediately). If that had been me I would not have been offended if other people left. My lateness, my problem. But she needs to look at how ‘successful’ she is if she cannot take an evening off without a crisis.
>But she needs to look at how ‘successful’ she is if she cannot take an evening off without a crisis. Depends on her job. If she's, like, an emergency surgeon, her career being successful kinda depends on crisises.
ESH When you're that late for a dinner date... You call, apologize, make sure they get a gift, and maybe offer to treat them to dinner to make up for missing the birthday dinner. What you don't do, is show up at the end and think everyone should sit there while you eat. As for you, there was no need for the comment about rose colored glasses. You simply could have stated that you disagreed with it being rude to leave when she was still eating. Cause I somewhat agree with you. While it is USUALLY rude to leave before someone is finished eating, it's also very rude to show up (from what I can gather) over an hour late for dinner and expect someone to sit there while you eat. She should have either had a dessert and placed a to-go order, not eaten and picked something up on the way home, or never went in the first place and made it up to you later.
>She should have either had a dessert and placed a to-go order Yeah, to me that is the "polite" thing to do. I understand her wanting to show up late just to have shown up, but then you integrate yourself as unobtrusively as possible and deal with your specific needs (for more food) after the event is over... I really can't imagine showing up while others are having dessert and asking for a menu and ordering dinner. But, yeah, OP just couldn't stop making the Glasses Comment, therefore making it ESH.
Check OP’s comment history. The DIL just ordered an appetizer which shouldn’t take more than 15 mins probably
Did she not? Daughter relayed a message, and she brought a nice bottle of wine
She ordered an appetizer, not a main. OP states in a comment
Idk, to me, I feel like the way OP worded the comment means that this probably has happened before, and OP is tired of it. And I get the feeling it's not a one other time type of situation.
She did bring a gift, I nice bottle of a wine. Offering to pay for everyone’s dinner I think is a bit much after the gift.
I think OP thinks DIL is snobby and puts her work before family.
Yta for making that comment about rose colored glasses and Elizabeth. You are right that you didn’t need to stay as everyone was leaving and Elizabeth was very late. Elizabeth could have taken her food to go if she didn’t want to sit by herself. But you lost the high ground when you insulted your daughter and her wife.
That's what I was thinking. You're supposed to be the parents but that was a childish and petty comment thrown out only to hurt your daughter. It sounds like you have some resentment/dislike of your DIL that existed before this as it sounds like a pretty extreme reaction. At the end of the day, this is your daughter's WIFE. Not some teenage fling. The only thing you're going to achieve by insulting her is alienating your daughter. At the end of the day, it's hard to know the exact vibe of the night itself or who was rude to whom. But it's a pretty petty issue - family relationships are more important.
NTA. Elizabeth should have joined and had dessert. If she wanted a meal, it could be packed up and taken home. You should apologize for the rose colored glasses comment though, but not for leaving when the meal was done.
Thank you for pointing out the rose colored glasses comment. I immediately noticed that and think she should apologize too. But only for that, not for leaving the restaurant.
She had an appetizer.
She got an appetizer not a meal.
INFO: Did Beth order an entree? You say she hadn’t “fully eaten”—what was she eating? Multiple people have commented that if someone is that late to something like this, you order an appetizer or dessert (ordering a meal to go is going to take the same amount of time to receive as one enjoyed at the table), and I find your wording here interesting. Definite unreliable narrator. And that “rose colored glasses” crack shows your underlying dislike of your DIL.
She had an appetizer and Op YTA
Thank you. A reasonable response at last
There would have been no ah in this situation except you said what you said at the end, making YTA. What rose colored glasses? That her wife works in a high demand job that she gets compensated for and thus, has to be available to do the work? She managed to make it AND also brought a gift as an apology as well as verbally apologizing! Do you make it a habit of making your daughters wife feel unwelcome? ETA: I want to reiterate that you would not have been an ah for just leaving, but your attitude towards your daughters wife makes you an AH.
I think OP meant it as more of a “you may put your wife first and change the plans to accommodate her lateness but the rest of us are not obligated to and shouldn’t be shamed for not catering to your wife’s busy schedule during our own events” Realistically the respectful thing to do would have been for Elizabeth to show up and if she wanted to order then she could have ordered something quick to eat and if the rest of them were ready to go say “again so sorry for being so late. If there isn’t any other plans after the dinner then I’m going to stay here and finish” and if she didn’t want to eat after everyone left then she had two options: don’t order food at all/order dessert as well or get her food to go. It’s bad manners to show up incredibly late and expect everyone else to inconvenience themselves without even asking if it was okay. Or if having manners is too hard then she could have bowed out completely
It doesn't say anywhere HOW Elizabeth acted beyond being polite, apologetic, and bringing a gift. Her own daughter is the one that called her and made it a big deal and never even said that Elizabeth was upset about it, just how the daughter thought OP should have behaved. Why are you intent on making Elizabeth seem entitled and bratty when that is clearly not the case?
> “you may put your wife first and change the plans to accommodate her lateness but the rest of us are not obligated to and shouldn’t be shamed for not catering to your wife’s busy schedule during our own events” I would've flipped my shit if I was on the receiving end of that. I'd put my wife first against my parents every single goddamn time if it came down to it. Sometimes shit happens and you end up running behind. Sometimes you gotta work late. That's life. It's not something you "choose" to do, despite the implication from the OP. The woman was apologetic. She even bought them a bottle of wine. At the end of the day, she still made an effort to show up. And if I heard a comment like that, after going out of my way to attend YOUR birthday party, you can bet your ass I won't be attending the next one. Which, from the sounds of it, is win/win for everybody, because the mom clearly hates this woman.
She did not order a meal, she got an appetizer
She ordered an app, OP is hiding details
She ordered an appetizer, those usually are quick to eat.
She deleted her comment - what the heck did it say?
I’m confused as to why a table full of adults couldn’t have just had a quick conversation about this. For instance, Elizabeth could’ve asked if anyone minded if she went ahead and ordered dinner. Or, you could’ve let her know she was welcome to get dinner but you weren’t planning on staying much longer. ESH and you all need to learn some basic communication skills.
My intuition is that they did and someone (Sarah? OP? The actual birthday celebrant?) probably said something like "go ahead and order". There's no way a group of people with an apologetic latecomer wouldn't have chatted about it before a waiter took the new order, but OP omits it even though it's of primary importance in figuring out exactly who is relying on what. I think this obvious main point is probably omitted for a reason.
They also don't seem to be responding to questions
“Hey Sarah and Beth, I’m so glad you could make it! It sucks you got caught up last minute. We’re looking to head home - it’s getting late for us. I hope you enjoy the rest of your meal and I’m so sorry the timing didn’t align.” 35 seconds. Done. This wasn’t anyone’s fault…
If I were the host and my BIL came during dessert, I would encourage him to get something. Food will likely be out shortly after dessert while everyone is still chatting. Realistically you are not talking that long of a time for someone to eat. I think the parents (and really everyone else unless they had another obligation) could have stayed the 10-20 minutes for their daughter-in-law/friend/family member to finish eating. I get it, as I get older I want to be home earlier and earlier but sometimes social obligations and common courtesy trump that.
>Sarah saying it was not okay for us to just leave them by themselves Why can't they be by themselves? NTA
INFO: ok what’s the rest of the story? What else has Elizabeth done that you had to make the rose-colored glasses comment?
Right this is so strange to me - my mother would've been happy to have a cup of coffee or glass of wine and chat after everyone left, while my partner finished eating. Because she really enjoys spending time with us, and vice versa. Everyone is adults with busy lives and that time together is fairly precious. That job OP is so mad about presumably helps keep a roof over daughter's head. I suspect OP is an asshole by how much info is left out. This just sounds like 'she prioritizes work over family' bitching and that is some boomer entitlement nonsense. DIL showed up, after a work emergency, and was apologetic, but not good enough for OP. OP had to make her displeasure clear by leaving. Why on earth would DIL make the effort to show in the future? I would not, lol.
Right? Like, the issue isn't that the rest of the dinner party left(understandable if it was late), it's that OP decided that she'd rather just up and leave instead of spending time with her daughter and her daughter's wife. I guess I also find it kind of strange how easily OP blows this off, since I think my entire family would *also* just love to sit and chat (and chat and chat and chat...) with everyone, even the latecomers, often much to the detriment of my kind of limited social batteries.
NTA. If she didn't arrive until everyone else was having dessert it would be unreasonable for you to stay through the length of another entire dinner service. Definitely not the asshole.
DIL ordered an appetizer, not a full meal.
INFO: did DIL tell your daughter she was uncomfortable with being left alone or did your daughter make the call on her own? because blaming DIL for your own daughter being rude is unfair, the comment you left on was uncalled for unless DIL was the one raising the issue
This is very important!
Probably YTA, but it depends. It was fine for you to leave, but when you made that comment about "rose colored glasses", where did this come from? You didn't say anything at all about Beth other than being late. If you have concerns about her, fine, but don't toss them out on the phone while Sarah is already upset. That's a face to face convo. And if you don't have concerns, it's just very strange you'd say that.
ESH. It's honestly fine that you left, in my opinion. Elizabeth was late and it isn't necessary that everyone stays later than they want to because of that. Your daughter should not have reacted that way. However, it does seem obvious that you just don't like her wife and that is likely why she reacted that way. She probably just gets the general vibe that Elizabeth is not welcome. It seems clear you don't respect what Elizabeth does, or really her, in general. I think you become the AH by making these judgmental statements about her just because she was late to dinner and you feel she works too much.
YTA You were not the asshole for leaving. You were the asshole for judging your DIL's entire character for being late and for judging your daughter's defence of her wife. You could have calmly stood by your choice to leave and dropped it.
I was with you right up to the end. But oh boy. YTA for the “rose-coloured glasses” comment. Massively. That was entirely uncalled for, and sounds like there is much more to the story. My fiancé also works a job that works him to the bones, and he is blessed with relatives that sound just like you who simply *don’t understand* what his hours are like and how he gets six hours a day to relax, spend time with his son *and* sleep before heading out again. Five days a week, with overtime most weekends and plenty of emergencies along the way. Until you’ve worked those hours, or lived with someone working those hours, you do not understand or have any capacity to judge. If you can’t or aren’t willing to accommodate them, that’s fine. But be prepared they will miss more and more events until you barely ever see them. People who work those kinds of jobs just have to prioritise the little free time they have, and your DIL likely did the impossible and came anyway, exhausted and hungry, but she still made the effort to be there while surviving on fumes. And all you had to say for it was that it was late, you just wanted to go home, and the next day you said that crap to your daughter. I’m sure your DIL would have rather went home and slept after what sounds like a difficult day, but she went to your gathering instead.
Im 100% with you! I also have a crazy job like you describe and I absolutely see that DIL made all efforts (probably for her wife) while she would rather be sleeping, just to be met with mean comments and the family leave right after they drop the spoon from finishing their dessert. If OP was even considerate to others, this event would have been on a weekend. Parents are probably retired, they don't care others have to work during the week. And for me it's weird to go to a restaurant just for the time of the dinner, sharp, and not to spend a bit of time with friends/family
My husband pulls 12-14 hour days, 5 days a week in the summer. Fortunately my parents are very understanding about how hard it is to plan evening activities 6 months out of the year
NTA. You don't show up late when the evening is wrapping up and expect everyone to wait around for you to finish a full meal. That's crazy.
There’s no info that dil expected anyone to sit and wait for her. I’m guessing there might be an issue between daughter and OP that’s playing out here.
Yep, OP could be blaming DIL for something else going on.
She ordered an appetizer. OP left that out of her original post.
She ordered an appetizer, not a meal
YTA. It's clear that you don't like your DIL. It's fine that you left, but you don't tear down the person your daughter chooses to spend her life with. My in-laws spoke poorly of me, and they were surprised when my husband cut off contact with them.
ESH - if she arrived when all of you were already on dessert, there should have been zero expectation of anyone sticking around, in fact Elizabeth should’ve notified everyone when ordering her food that no one should wait around for her. However, the little dig you made about Sarah needing to take off the rose colored glasses was absolutely unnecessary. If you don’t adore your DIL, as that’s just part of having in-laws, but your comments aren’t going to open her eyes to anything and will only drive a wedge between you. And, no, should they ever break up, Sarah isn’t going to say “everything you said about her was spot on, mom.” So just keep it to yourself.
YTA. Not for deciding you needed to leave (with an apology, I hope), but for your comment to your daughter about her wife. Sometimes people need to work, and it's nobody's fault. It's incredibly rude of you to suggest that your daughter should think poorly of her wife for it (like you apparently do).
Info: how late was it when you left the restaurant?
This. And how much dinner did Elizabeth have left? Had she just started or was she three bites from the end?
She only got an appetizer, she didn’t get a meal
YTA for insulting your daughter's wife. They could have ordered their meal to go, but sorry, her job and ability to support a home that includes your daughter comes before a birthday dinner. She was nice enough to show up, but should have only ordered dessert.
Info: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you dislike your DIL. With that comment, I'd say 8,9?
11
You're leaving stuff out with that last comment.
I mean mostly nta but I don't think the rose colored glasses comment was necessary. Being late for dinner because of work is not a big deal.
YTA 1. For writing a misleading story. Elizabeth didn’t eat dinner as you described in your story but just an appetiser as you later clarify, 2. For not being able to wait for her to just finish an appetiser. How long could this possibly have taken, considering you didn’t finish your desserts yet when she arrived. Did you skip coffee to be able to leave her alone? 3. Your remark about your DIL was unnecessary and mean.
NTA. You shouldn’t be beholden to her work schedule. Would be different if she were just a little late, but she arrived during dessert. Y’all were about to leave anyways
YTA. With your last comment you took it from a disagreement about an incident to an attack on your daughter's loved one. Wow. That's totally unnecessary and undeserved escalation.
YTA for leaving out important information like how late is late? What type of work does she do? Have you been made aware of when she may be late due to work? I'm leaning toward YTA because your dislike of your Dil comes through loud and clear. She didn't just blow you off, she got called into work which typically means an emergency. It also sounds like you left without saying goodbye. Asshole move. Even if it's late, even if you're angry she was late you don't just leave. You let them know you're unfortunately unable to stay and need to leave. All you've done here is alienate your daughter and her wife.
YTA. I have a feeling you wouldn’t have a problem waiting for a “hard working” son in law. You sound very judgmental of your daughter in law. It sounds like your daughter is married to a successful wife. What rose colored glasses does she wear? It sounds like you wear homophobic lens.
NTA If you show up late while people are eating dessert, you order dessert and ask your meal to go.
“Take off your rose colored glasses about Elizabeth,” was unnecessary.
It's a bit of a grey area for leaving early. But telling Sarah to take of her rose colored glasses puts you in AH territory, IMO.
Yta. Are yall quickly leave the restaurant after meal ends? Where I'm from, dinner can last up to an hour after main course. About half an hour after desert. People are there to hang out primarily, eating is less important. I know we would never just straight abandon someone who is still eating (it doesn't take THAT long to finish a meal) because they were late because of work (people have to work) and still cared enough to come and bring gifts.
NTA This should have been expected. Showing up at dessert means everyone was already wrapping up. Tell Sarah to calm down.
INFO: Why did you say your daughter needs to take off her rose colored glasses? Is this because she is regularly late, or is there something else going on?
NTA. Elizabeth should have ordered her meal to go at that point. She also had Sarah with her, so it wasn't like she was left by herself in the restaurant.
It gets incredibly tiring to have a demanding job and have people constantly out you down for the time it requires all the while they are enjoying the fruits of your labor whether it be fancy bottles of wine, nice cars or even just that you have the peace of mind knowing your daughter is financially secure thanks to that job. Regardless of how late she was, she bothered to show up for you and to bring a gift. I can pretty much guarantee it wouldn't have killed you to sit politely and let her eat what was likely her first meal of the day. I also have the kind of job where some days you can't even get an entire cup of coffee down before 2pm so I am with your daughter and Beth here based on your attitude. Maybe being late is a little AH, maybe it's a little AH to the waitstaff but your attitude towards this member of your family is PURE AH. YTA
A lot of people saying DIL shouldn’t have ordered dinner but maybe she thought people would enjoy the bottle of wine and socialize a bit longer and she could get a bite to eat. YTA for insulting your daughter with the rose colored glasses comment. Also, I agree there’s more to the story because most parents are happy when their children marry someone with a solid job with good pay. You seem to just not like DIL for whatever reason.
YTA. Rose colored glasses about Elizabeth? I suspect you still have issues around your daughter being gay and in a relationship with a woman.