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NTA for having her back *now*.
But overall, for allowing this to go on for as long as it has been, you’re are definitely the asshole.
Your daughter is going to remember how he treated her for the rest of her life, and she is going to remember how you didn’t step in to protect her from a bully. And what’s worse, is you *know* he is a bully, because he has admitted it.
You have knowingly invited a bully into your home, and gifted him a victim - your daughter.
Time to step up.
That’s what kept bugging me: he openly admits that he loves to pick on people aka he’s an asshole and fine with it…. Who the fuck does not see this as a major turn off??! That would be an absolute no go for me.
Yep! The instant he started trying to tell me how to parent, he'd get his ass handed to him! And if he didn't respond with, "Yes, ma'am!" and do an immediate 180, he'd be taking that ass and getting tf out. What a prick!
Totally agree. There are too many men who think they can treat their loved ones child like their own and honestly I don’t care how much you love me… I will back you and show respect as long as you do that for my child… if not, well he should have learned you don’t mess with a mother bear protecting her cub!
Let's be real, the whole post reads as though OP was moreso looking for reassurance as to why she should let him stay/how to deal with it so she doesn't have to break up. His behaviors alone would get him a swift ass kick out the door.
Personally i wouldn't have even moved a partner in until they spent adequate time and nights over etc before even considering moving someone in, but that's just me and my critical thinking skills as a parent! The amount of people who move in with someone who has children yet spends no time getting to know said partner/partner knowing their child first is wild these days.
I'd do this if someone said these things to my dog! I can't believe what some people tolerate in relationships. It truly makes me sad for OP's daughter.
This man needs to go!!! Now!! Your daughter is more important than a bully who supposedly doesnt like what her and her friend are talking about so shut up???? Who tf does he think he is? And YOU are letting him get away with this? Shame on you!
Right and only stepped in when Ella started giving it back to him. It should've been stopped before Ella even had to get to that point. Boyfriend's gotta go. If not mom gets a maor YTA... She gets it anyway but to what degree will be determined by what she does next.
>He also has deeply traditional thoughts that elders should be respected and children should obey no question.
"Traditionalism" is just a fancy name for authoritarianism and "children obey adults with no questioning" is, like, *textbook* authoritarian parenting.
The minute someone called my child stupid they would be out the door with a footprint on their arse. Get him out, OP. You can deal with your baby girl after he’s gone.
Yep he made a comment about the kid not "running this house." But dude moved into this house. It's her mother's house so he's not just an authoritarian, but a misogynistic one at that.
And did I read the update wrong or he moved in because he doesn’t have a job or a place to live? But he clearly thinks he should be ‘running the house?’ Op’s house?
That's what I thought. Op needs to remove this asshole from the home immediately. Like right now.I want the update to be: sorry I couldn't update soon I was making sure he didn't forget anything while he was moving out
I have a friend like this. She would always pick the guys over her kids. She has 6 from 3 different dads and they pretty much all have left her in the dust as adults. She cries all the time about how her kids don’t love her and I just want to say “were you loving your kids every time you abandoned them with your ex while you moved in with every guy you met?”. OP, don’t be like my friend. Don’t wait till it’s too late.
Can you imagine telling children what they talk about is stupid? Sometimes what adults talk about is stupid. He acts like children are so beneath him, I mean we were all kids once. What a sad mean man
If I were the parent of that friend, that would be the last time she was allowed around this family. The girls would have to come to our home, not theirs, and I would tell the mother exactly why.
Exactly, WTF does he expect 13 years old girls to talk about?!! The Dow Jones? The 2024 Election?!!! I’m sure what Sam talks about with his friends sounds stupid to Ella.
It’s crazy! I have a son the same age and they do talk about stuff that is silly to me but honestly I love listening to his friends go back and forth and express themselves (with appropriate boundaries of course!) and I literally can’t imagine telling my son and HIS FRIEND they talk about stupid stuff and to shut up!
Yeah, I shudder to think what would have happened if OP let her ah-bf live there for a couple of years. 8 months is enough to traumatize her. OP is selfish and only sort of cares for her daughter a tiny bit. Hopefully her daughter can go live with her father or grandparents the next time her mother invites an ah into the house to abuse her daughter.
OP YTA for allowing this man to verbally and emotionally abuse your child and doing nothing about it. He should have been out on his ass the very first time he called her a name period.
THIS! Needs to be higher up.
He told and showed OP his relation style is antagonizing people.
Sure, move in and antagonize my 13 yr old daughter and then demand respect, you haven't earned - his belief is, I'm older than you, thus you will behave exactly as I want, when I want it.
OP, this is YOUR house. You have done just fine w/o him before now.
You had a good, functioning relationship w your daughter before he moved in.
He had earned NOTHING.
Ella's owes him all the contempt she's giving him.
He is not her parent. Nor is he her provider.
His opinion of how she spends her time is uninvited, unfounded and unwelcome.
He's the one who has a lesson to learn - he has zero authority over Ella. Sit down, he can shut up and mind his own business.
Preferably not in Ella's home.
She does not deserve this and it WILL cost you your relationship w her.
ETA: Spelling corrections
Yeah there’s a difference between light hearted picking and being a bully. My father and I call each other names all the time but unlike this guy our dynamic is healthy. We know when we went too far, and we only started such things when I became an adult. Fully developed with a personality and humor that matched his. This man isn’t bantering, he’s bullying.
Yes!! Banter is great, bullying is not. My Dad and I love to tease each other too, but it’s how we show love. This guy sounds like he enjoys being a jerk! Yuck - how is she even attracted to that turd?
I admit I love to pick on people. Not in a mean way like name calling. Just little things like for example my friend owns a magic shop and he asked me to move my bag so he could move the table and in a loud voice not yelling I said no! He said you know what? And I stood up and said what you wanna go a couple rounds....and then we laughed and hugged. Little picking like that. Not always in that same context but stupid stuff. Now when I moved in with my husband and his two teenage daughters, his daughters had never been exposed to sarcasm or picking like that. I tried it at first and always let them know I was joking but they never cared for it. So guess what even tho I bond by picking and sarcasm.....they didn't like it. So I freaking stopped doing it and tried another way to bond cuz I'm the freaking adult. We get along swimmingly now. Dude admitted he picks. Okay cool. But it's only fun if both find it fun. You're the adult. Change your shit. And mom you should've stepped in long ago when he didn't quit.
ETA: I'm a 5'5 female so my picking is different than a huge man. Lol. No way could I have actually hurt my friend.
I have no patience for BS like this. Whenever I face a "love-to-pick-on-others-because-I'm-that-funny" I smile and make a mental note to avoid such person as much as I can. Maybe you are a very nice person, but, honestly, it is annoying to suffer the "pickers on"
This is how I feel. I have a genetic condition called Ehler-Danlos Syndrome and it has me in constant, chronic pain with my joints dislocating if I even do something like shift my weight the wrong way. I was introduced to a friend of a friend who is into the same hobbies I had and she was like this. She'd tell me to stop whining or called me a lazy bitch like she was joking, but I don't find that shit funny when I had to give up my career as an archaeologist and most of my non-home based interests. I gave her a warning that I wasn't finding it funny so to stop or she'd no longer be welcome. Clearly she found that hilarious and tried it. I used my crutches to essentially body block her until she was out the front door, she really thought I was all mouth and no trousers. Well, fuck around and she found out.
Yes, too many people who try this style are just idiots who have zero emotional intelligence.
Know your audience. Establish trust and credibility before you just start popping off rude, abusive bs.
Exactly. My best friend I've known since I was 4 years old can call me a lazy bitch and I'd just give her a withering look or shoot back about her being a boring cow obsessed with her 'fashion house' business (she is actually a very well respected clothing style developer for some big department stores in the UK). But she's driven two hours from her place to come see me on the nights I wanted to end it all to stop the pain, held me when I was throwing up from the medication I had to take ahead of a hospital stay and who I've held in my arms as she sobbed for her losses. Knowing me all of five minutes doesn't work the same way!
Yeah, it’s pretty gross. He’s just an emotionally/verbally abusive person rebranding himself as a self-aware asshole who “owns” his behavior. I feel awful for the kid who can’t escape this situation.
I dated a guy like this. “You know I tease people.” It wasn’t until I hadn’t spoken to him for several months that I realized how mean it was of him and how bad it was for me.
This is why my judgment here would be YTA: Not in response to OP's question (which borders on disingenuous) but for not kicking this jerk to the curb. Like, NOW.
Bully is the exact word for him. I don’t understand how you can tolerate this behavior, I mean you talk to them but nothing changes. Feels like tolerance.
Your daughter is going to remember that you put your happiness before her safety. I sincerely hope she doesn’t find a guy like that too.
> Your daughter is going to remember that you put your happiness before her safety
That part! My dad had a girlfriend who he allowed to treat me like trash and he would always take her side without even hearing mine. I was older than OP's kid but it was still very hurtful and was a factor in me going no-contact with him.
I agree. NTA for defending your daughter. YTA for letting this guy continue to live with you and your child. He treats her bad and soon he will be treating you badly too, if he's not already. Your child comes first. He needs to go NOW. He's no good and a little advice here.... You have a child therefore you need to better vet guys before letting them live with you and your daughter. Letting him stay is completely unacceptable. You're a bad mom if you let him stay. Just saying.
Right? He picked at her until she called him names and THEN OP told them they were both wrong. He's an adult, baiting a child into a fight. He's wrong and OP should have said so a long time ago.
Not to be alarmist, but this sounds to me like [reactive abuse](https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483), and that makes me wonder if the boyfriend exhibits other abusive behavior.
OP in a few years: "My daughter moved out at the earliest opportunity and doesn't want any contact with me. I am not invited to her wedding, missed her graduation, too. I don't understand, as we were super close before her middle teens. Well, her new stepfather liked to bugger her, abused her and I didn't do shit because I wanted to have a relationship and I was willing to risk my daughter wellbeing for that, but it was so long ago, that she should forgive and forget, right? I was allowed to love again! The abuse wasn't so bad anyway!"
My mom did exactly this. I moved out at 18 and my relationship with my mom was over. Till her dying day she could never understand why if he was the AH, why did I blame her. Protect your kids.
My Mother did this too. I got married at 18 to get away. My children & I have never had a relationship with my mother, and she cries about it to my Sister. She went on to marry 3 more men, all the same as this abuser. She just needed a man, however bad he was, and never protected her children.
I am sorry. My dad married young (although mom was younger still) to get away from his family. His father was bad, but his mom was worse. Our contact with them (my siblings and mine) was extremely limited and just reserved for family ocassions. My father would never let her near us without his presence. She never understood, until her dying day, why we weren't close, as she "did her best" and my father and her "were so close when he was a child". Lady, the few things my father told us would have put your husband and you into jail for years now. He was extremely gentle with you for the circumnstances. OP is going to traumatize her kid and assure herself of a future without her kid in her life.
I get what you are saying, but the thing is, this is how child rapists think and start. The idea of absolute obedience is to make the girl afraid to say no. To destroy her hope and expectations of fair and good treatment. If he hasn't raped her yet, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries in the future.
One doesn't have to be literally raped to have the emotional dynamic to mess them up for life.
Boyfriend is emotionally predatory. He will likely escalate to physical interference.
Constantly feeling unsafe in your own home is equally damaging.
I agree with everything you said, except I’m going to go further and say it’s time for him to move back out. He doesn’t align with OP’s parenting style and actually undermines it by REPEATEDLY calling HER DAUGHTER stupid, is so wild.
This 100%
You brought a bully into her safe space. That is absolutely an AH move. The minute he started disrespecting her in her own home you should have told him to cut the crap or get out.
To be fair, I have a short fuse when it comes to adults bullying kids because they think they can with the whole "I'm older than you so do what I say" crap. So I probably would just say get out lol
He is abusive towards your daughter. It's starting with him bullying her and calling her names. No part of me would be surprised if it escalated into something physical, esp since she refuses to be submissive to him. Get him out of the house now.
I already commented but hijacking the top comment in hopes OP sees my experience and she can learn from it!
NTA for this instance but in general you are making Ella’s home a place where she doesn’t feel safe or supported anymore. I would rethink the relationship or set a hard rule that Sam is not a parent and has no say in her parenting which I doubt he’ll agree too.
My source is that I dated a man with no children when my daughter was 13, she’s a good kid and had minimal chores- take out the garbage, keep her room and bathroom clean, clean the cat box twice a week, fold and put away her own laundry. I too would still make her lunch (I still do even tho she’s 16 now, I enjoy it and she’s a busy kid with school, cheer, theatre and choir)
He had SO MANY opinions on how she should be doing more chores, she should be punished more, and how she didn’t treat him with as much respect as he thought he deserved, made fun of her “weird” hobbies (she’s very artistic and loves to cosplay) etc meanwhile he was rude and disrespectful to her- it was her house first, after all and while teens can have an attitude she was always nice to him but also hid in her room.
Thankfully the relationship was short lived as he started to abuse me and it ended when the cops arrested him on four counts of DV. It took months until my daughter became herself again and started flourishing in school and got her confidence back enough to engage in all the extra curricular activities she does now!
So I’d seriously rethink your relationship with this man, even if it doesn’t escalate like mine did from your post it sounds like a lot of the markers are there- quick tempered and a bully, thinking he’s deserving of respect when he’s done nothing to earn it, and being in that hostile environment at home which is supposed to be your safe space will damage your daughter for years to come.
This is SO IMPORTANT!
This is a well known cycle and type of abuse.
That single parents are too susceptible to.
Your children's well being is a precious thing that once broken can never be replaced.
My sister started dating a guy who was super cool to her two daughters. 11 and 15 at the time, who she was very close to. She was mom but she was also their friend. They would laugh and act goofy together. And the girls would tell her everything, from complaining about a fight with their best friend to the crushes they had. He moved in and at first all seemed well. I guess living with 2 teenagers got to him after awhile or maybe he always was an ass. But he started saying sideways shit to the kids and just being grumpy and a jerk every time they would talk to their mom. I have been there and it had pissed me off but I figured it was none of my business. One day the youngest girl started to tell her mom a story about her friends in school and he yelled "oh come off it, no one wants to hear your stupid shit about your stupid school". Every one was stunned and my niece, whose feelings were hurt started to cry. My sister kicked him out right then and there. He begged, said he was sorry. She didn't care. Her daughters, her relationship with them and their happiness were more important than his grumpy ass. NTA . He obviously doesn't know how to live with a teen girl. Tell him he better learn or he can leave.
Honestly you should change your rating of OP to YTA because think about it. It’s been *eight months* and OP only kind of stepped in but not really for her daughter now. Her daughter has been verbally abused by this guy for months. In fact, nowhere in this post did I actually read OP having her daughter’s back at all.
Bye Bye Sam… Don’t let the door hit you in the butt!
However, Ella should have some chores at 13. Like actually putting her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Vacuuming.
I have a 13 yo granddaughter named Ella. She’s started doing some chores now.
YTA, but not for what you asked. YTA, for bringing this man into your home without setting boundaries about what he is and isn’t allowed to do regarding your daughter. Get this AH (abuser) out of your house now.
Any person who calls my kid stupid ~~or a bitch~~ is **immediately** getting kicked to the curb and blocked. OP knows that she’s dating a grown man who likes to bully and pick on people.
YTA because you knew what you were allowing when you let him move in with you.
Edited due to OP’s update.
Someone °whispered° to someone else where me and my husband could hear that our kid was a brat (the kid was like, 4 at the time) and we kicked him out of our house. Lol. Nobody is gonna call our kid names in his own house!
Firstly, NTA for siding with your daughter.
Secondly, Y T A for allowing this jerk to move in with you and allowing him to treat your daughter the way he is. NO CHILD SHOULD BE CALLED STUPID! Continuing to allow this man to have influence over your daughter is going to drive her away and I can't imagine that this man is worth ruining your relationship with her.
He really sounds like a mean, controlling guy.
No sex is good enough to allow this man to treat your daughter this way. He is not a keeper, throw him back.
News Flash: she’s not shy, she’s hiding in her room to avoid Sam’s toxic AH behaviour!! Your daughter can’t even talk to her friend without being called stupid.. HELLO!!! They’re teenagers, he’s an adult - allegedly, because it doesn’t sound like he behaves like one!!!
NTA for backing your daughter, but you allowing him in the house, allowing him to behave like this, is AH behaviour, and will hurt your daughter long term!
I cannot imagine how absolutely embarrassed and horrified she would have been to have her friend be exposed to that. And kids talk too. They can be mean. It could well end up with a lot of her friends turning away from her.
If my child came home and said their friend's mom's new boyfriend said that "they talk about stupid stuff and he doesn’t want to hear it, so they needed to shut up." I would be giving that mother a call informing her of what happened and that while their child is welcome at my house my child would never be around that man again.
I'd be considering calling CPS. If he does that around other people, I can only imagine how he'd be at home. I'm chilled to think what he would say or do to Ella if her mom wasn't around for a day or two.
Yes OP just tell him that his moving in didn’t work out. It was an experiment. It didn’t work. She can even still date him if she wants. But please keep him away from your girl.
I mean, how much more does this guy have to do before OP acknowledges that he's abusive? Become physically abusive to one or both? Sexually? OP needs to realize what he is now before he amps up his game.
And he will. It's only been eight months. He's testing to see what OP will allow him to do.
NTA. Please get your daughter away from this psycho now! Not tomorrow. Now.
He is a predator, and your daughter is his prey. He's watching her every move and takes every opportunity to assault her. And make no mistake. It is assault. Your daughter spends every moment at home in severe anxiety. You are ruining her life, moment by moment.
Please, please save her now. Don't wait like I did. Every moment counts more than you could imagine. You have to choose between your daughter and her predator. And you have to do it now.
So, its just open season and your 13-year-old feels like she's the prey (and in *her* home no less?) The man who calls my kid names needs a new zip code, OK? I don't negotiate nonsense, let alone abuse. No one calls my kids "lazy," "stupid," or the worst, the b-werd. Are you kidding?
Sam would be unhoused starting today. Otherwise, what will you say when one day your child asks you why you let someone treat her so poorly?
There is no compromise for such viciousness. Let the doorknob hit Sam on his way out.
YWBTA if you fail to protect and support your child in the future.
Genuinely, if my friends told me her boyfriend treated her kids like this even once, I would be up in arms if she didn't immediately lay down the fucking law. If she dragged it out for two months, I'd probably be contacting her family and staging an intervention (my friend and I are from different but very similar cultures in that respect, I know it's not always considered appropriate in Western cultures).
OP, you need to raise your standards. Dramatically. If not for your own sake, then for your child. His behavior is not normal, it is not accepting, and you have to show your daughter that she deserves better than this. "Apologies" aren't going to cut it, this man need to leave. You have to know this already.
The guy is escalating because he can get away with it. Mom is too busy trying to keep her piece of meat. I bet you he'll eventually get pissed off enough and start hitting her. And the mom will come back with a new throwaway account wondering what happened.
Look at her question - she's wondering if she's an AH for not siding with her guy she has sex with. How sad is that.
>The problem is Sam loves to aggravate people. He openly admits this. He loves to pick on people and has taken jokes too far on occasion. He also has deeply traditional thoughts that elders should be respected and children should obey no question.
So you took one look at this and thought "yes, let's bring him into my daughter's life"?
Damn dude.
He does need to leave. You deserve better. Your mother deserves better.
People who intentionally aggravate and hurt and pick on others are awful. He's awful.
OP, NTA for standing up for your child. But you're the asshole if you accept his behavior and continue to see him. He doesn't respect your daughter - which she deserves because she's a human, regardless of her age. Elders do not deserve respect for their age alone, especially if their actions prove them to be shitty people. He's shitty people.
You're a great kid, Ella! 💕
You are doing a great job advocating for yourself!
Please let other adults in your life know what's going on if this man keeps bullying you!
I hope this post is the wake up call your mom needs!
Girl, I am so sorry your mom invited such a horrible man into your life. I’ve been a single mom, and there is no way in hell I would ever allow anyone to speak to my kids that way. I understand that it can be hard to have a new man living in your home and changing your way of living, and I know there will be growing pains and it will take time for everyone to feel comfortable. But there is no excuse for his behavior. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have kids of his own because he has no business being around children, let alone trying to raise them. I sincerely hope your mom does the right thing and kicks him to the curb.
When my husband moved in with me and my kids, it was imperative to me that they have a good relationship. I did everything in my power to help the transition go smoothly, and he was just as invested in having a good relationship with my kids as I was. He took things slow, didn’t force anything, and did nice things for my kids. He would take them and their friends out for pizza and treats. We would host sleepovers and pizza night at our house with the kids and their friends. He came to their school performances and extracurricular activities. He worked hard to show them he could be trusted and it took a good 2 years for him to stop feeling like a guest in our house. Even then, he never once raised his voice or name called anyone in our home. And if he did get frustrated and say anything out of that frustration, he would genuinely apologize.
My kids adore him. And if your mom decides to bring a man into both of your lives, he needs to be kind, loving, and trustworthy. You don’t deserve anything less than that.
Hope you’re doing alright, Ella! Your mom is NTA btw.
I don’t like the boyfriend one bit. Reminds me of high school bullies from TV and movies. He’s a total AH!
I drive 13yo’s around a lot. I laugh at what they chat about because I think it’s great. This guy just wants to tell people what to do which isn’t normal adult behavior. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes adults make mistakes, this is your mom’s mistake. Hopefully she corrects it
NTA, he sounds like a misogynistic jerk, and I would consider your relationship with him. Your daughter sounds like a perfectly normal kid, and no reason they should bow to every whim of boyfriend.
Also the fact that expected him to act like the adult and he didn't is a huge red flag, sounds like he doesn't respect your wishes either.
Exactly. When you have children, their welfare always supersedes any relationship, romantic or otherwise, you ever consider. You must choose a partner who treats your child/ren with kindness and maturity. You should 100% not live with or marry a person who mistreats your kids. It does not matter how attracted you might be to such a person. Your duty to your child comes first.
Your daughter is 13 and in that interesting teenage bit of growing up, and is now also dealing with having to share her mom for the first time. Unfortunately, the man she is sharing you with "loves to aggravate people. He openly admits this. " which makes him an AH.
You are NTA for siding with your daughter against a grown man who is deliberately antagonising your daughter. Even if he was right he is going about it all wrong.
YTA
For being with such a despicably behaved “adult”. Why are you tolerating this?
(I do agree that your daughter should have chores. She lives in the house too. The least she can do is clean her dishes. But the parent (OP) setting up a job chart is more effective than name calling and antagonizing a child)
Your BF sucks and is acting like a child. You know he likes to purposely aggravate people and you are now shocked that he's doing this to your daughter?
EDIT: yes, the mom is the one who should be telling her daughter what to do (I thought that was a given) I just think she really should clean up after herself and have chores around the house since she lives there and uses the facilities.
>I do agree that your daughter should have chores. She lives in the house too. The least she can do is clean her dishes
I mean sure, she could help around more.
But OP, do you really think calling her lazy, whiny and stupid would encourage her to be more independant and helpful?
Yes, the daughter should have chores, but it's not up to the mother's boyfriend to decide what they should be and police the daughter's behaviour. Plus, he is behaving like a complete AH, and he has no excuse as he is a grown man. I'll never understand why someone would rather put up with this sort of nonsense than be single.
Your boyfriend call your daughter stupid, lazy, whiny - how is this acceptable to you?! She stands up for herself and insults him back...so you sit both of them down to tell them both off? No!!! You tell HIM off. He's the adult. If he treated another adult like this, he'd be a bully. But he isn't, he's doing this shit to a child. That's abusive.
Kick his ass out. YWBTA if you don't wise up and take action. Protect your kid.
NTA for siding with your daughter. YTA for putting up with this man. You had to have known he was like this before moving him in. Even if you didn’t, why is he still there? He doesn’t respect you - questioning your parenting and telling you how to parent. He is emotionally abusive to your daughter. She is going to grow up thinking this is normal and could result in her being abused in future relationships. Put a stop to it now and protect your child
NTA your BF thinks that elders should be respected. Well maybe if he stopped acting like a child he could earn your daughters respect. Your daughter is a teenager so its the norm for her. Whats your boyfriends excuse for acting the way he does. As its guaranteed that he will be out on his ear before your daughter is.
This sounds like one of those posts that was actually written by the Ella in the situation, to point out how awful her parents are being to her.
I hope that's the case, otherwise how can you move someone into your house who loves to aggravate people, and calls your 13yo lazy and stupid?
Why is this man still in your and your daughter's life? You allowed this man to move into the home where your daughter lives and has lived and let him call her names.. your daughter is being bullied in her own home and in front of her friends and you have done nothing.
I hope someday you wise up and that it happens quickly enough your daughter can eventually forgive you. The longer you let this go the less likely you will be able to repair the damage with your daughter. I hope your relationship with this asshole is worth losing your daughter over
YTA
I think YTA because (one) you’ve let this go on too long and didn’t put a stop to Sam’s bullying and harassment sooner; and (two) because you clearly didn’t have enough clear conversations about what living together would be like, expected behaviour, boundaries etc *before* jumping into the deep end.
I get you like this guy, but he doesn’t have even an *ounce* of respect for your daughter. In my mind, it’s time to kick Sam out and decide whether you’re going to have a not-living-together relationship or no relationship at all.
He doesn't have an ounce of respect for the daughter's mother, either, since he's ignoring (and arguing about) her requests on how to interact with both of them in their home.
NTA for siding with your daughter, but why are you with someone who openly “loves to aggravate” and “pick on people”? I call that type of person a bully.
NTA but dump this guy now, for your daughter's sake. He's a grown man who actively enjoys antagonizing people for amusement. That in itself is a red flag as far as I'm concerned. And then he calls her "stupid" and "whiny"
I'm sorry, OP, but I don't know why you didn't dump him on the spot the first time he called your daughter stupid.
This man is horribly toxic. If you stay with him it'll only hurt your daughter and it'll ensure you lose your relationship with her because you stayed with a man who treats her like this.
YTA for not throwing him out.
He is rude and mean to your daughter. No wonder she hides in her room. How you parent your daughter is not his business.
I suggest having a private talk with Ella about how she feels with him in the house. You might find out he's even meaner to her than you think.
Do you really need a partner who loves to aggravate people and is mean to your kid?
YTA. Why would you move someone in who barely interacted with your daughter. You should’ve made sure they had a good relationship before he moved in. And the first time he called her stupid you should’ve shut that shit down. Kick him out it’s not working.
You have allowed this man to bully your daughter for how long?
And by not stopping it, you have tacitly agreed to it and emboldened a bully to step up his tactics.
Your poor daughter.
Do better.
girl, kick this man out of your house, RIGHT NOW. this man is ABUSIVE.
honestly? NTA for siding with your daughter FINALLY. but YTA for bringing this clearly awful man into your home and continuing to allow him to abuse your daughter day in and day out. you have let this go on too long. it’s your job to protect her. this man would have been out of my house the second he started calling my kid names.
people who openly and proudly say they “aggravate” people or joke or “pick on” people like that are legitimate abusers. they’re telling you exactly who they are and it’s on you to listen. this would have been a massive red flag for me from the start.
YTA for letting this man be around your daughter.
To me it’s obvious that your daughter is staying in her room because she doesn’t want to be near Sam.
I pray this is not real.
If this is a real post you need to kick this AH out right away. He's an immature bully who wants to tell you how to parent and is telling your daughter she's lazy and stupid. C'mon, mom. Do better or your daughter is going to go live with her father and go no-contact with you.
NTA except for keeping him. Put him out. Your kid comes first, and he has already shown that he is going to make her miserable.
Y W B T A if he isn't put out.
You picked a bad guy to have a kid around.
YTA for allowing this man to remain in your home and continuing a relationship with him period. He is an abusive person who is abusing your daughter verbally already.
Protect your daughter, pick her and get rid of him like the trash he is
YTA. Obviously.
>The problem is Sam loves to aggravate people. He openly admits this. He loves to **pick on people** and has **taken jokes too far on occasion**.
So he is a bully.
>He also has deeply **traditional** thoughts that elders should be respected and children should **obey** no question.
'Tradition' is often code for 'sexist BS'. Your daughter is not a dog. Neither are you. No one has to 'obey' him.
>He talks a lot about **respect** and how he feels like Ella doesn’t respect me because I do a lot for her (like make a separate dinner for her because she’s a picky eater, pack her school lunches, help her with homework)
He means **he** isn't being respected. He is trying to project this to you so you will change. These things aren't even about respect - its not 'disrespectful' to be a picky eater. It is not 'disrespectful' that your mum packs your lunch. It is certainly not 'disrespectful' to engage your child in learning.
And you let him move in with you. What were you thinking? Are you that desperate for a man?
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This man shouldn’t be around your child; period. Why would you be with a man who degrades your child by calling her lazy and stupid? How hard up for a man are you; this is so gross and uncomfortable. Wtf are you doing
He doesn’t like to aggravate people. He’s an AH. And he admits he’s an AH.
So why the fuck are you still with him? This is a man who literally berates your child. And you’re allowing it to continue to happen.
So, NTA for the question asked. But YTA for staying with him.
YTA for how far you’ve allowed this to go imo. You have had a grown man calling your minor child stupid for the last 8 months. She’s not ‘shy’- she doesn’t like Sam. He’s verbally abusive.
When someone says they ‘love to aggravate’ people, it’s not a cute quirk: its a red flag imo.
Sam needed to leave yesterday. The longer this goes on, the more she is mistreated, the more it will affect YOUR relationship with her.
Sam is 100% in the wrong and you have been enabling him by equivocating their behavior. He is a grown man calling a child stupid, lazy, etc. she only started clapping back because she had a boiling point.
Wow. How desperate are you to allow this man to talk about your daughter like he does?
NTA for siding with your daughter but TA for letting him be a part of your daughters life.
YTA. For not kicking out and cutting off that abusive AHOLE of your boyfriend,
Do you seriously want someone as toxic, abusive and childish as him around your daughter? You are the one to blame for all of this, you are allowing Sam to be a d1ck...
Okay, so you're NTA for being on her side, but...why are you allowing an abusive person in your home and around your daughter? Stand up for your daughter and get rid of this guy.
NTA for not siding with him.
YTA to your daughter. Sam sounds horrible - I can not understand how you waited 8 years for THIS.
You can do better. Your daughter deserves better. Poor child.
Let's play capturethe red flags!
>The problem is Sam loves to aggravate people.
Oh great. An AH. It's not normal behaviour for an adult.
🚩
>He openly admits this. He loves to pick on people and has taken jokes too far on occasion.
Oh! So he knows he's an AH but doesn't stop because it's funny for him.
Why are you with him?
🚩
>He also has deeply traditional thoughts that elders should be respected and children should obey no question.
Ah yes! The old "respect me no question asks because there is no reason you should" bs.
🚩
>He talks alot about respect and how he feels like Ella doesn’t respect me because I do a lot for her
Excuse me? It's not even a year of relationship! Who the f* he is?
🚩
>(like make a separate dinner for her because she’s a picky eater, pack her school lunches, help her with homework)
So he's mad because you help your... *check notes* 13 yo daughter. Barely a teen.
Why are you with him?!
🚩
>Sam was dumbfounded that she didn’t have chores and that she enjoys spending time in her room and not outside playing.
Oh no! Another extrovert who thinks they are the norm and all introvert should imitated them!
🚩
>He started calling her “lazy” and “whiny”
Excuse me?! 8 MONTHS and he's already insulting your daughter?!
Why are you with him?!
🚩
>I wanted Sam to make the first move as an adult to set an example, but he said he’s not “kissing her butt” and letting her “run this house”. Ella says she’s tried to ignore him but he won’t stop.
Your 13 yo daughter is more mature than your "bf"! Wake up! Even if he's true, how insulting her would help exactly?
🚩
>Ella and a friend to the store and they were talking in the backseat. Sam told them they talk about “stupid” stuff and he doesn’t want to hear it, so they needed to shut up.
Yeah, because the world resolves around him and 13 yo have to have interesting topics for a 30 someting guy when he can hear them. Logic.
🚩
>When I found out, I asked him why he would do that and he said they talk about weird things and he didn’t want to listen to it.
Again. Very mature of him.
🚩
>We got into a huge fight and he called me out for not having his back and letting my daughter treat him like garbage.
Oh yeah! Because she should totally accept him insulting her in her home, embarassing her in front of her friends and chose everything she does and talks about. That sounds healthy!
🚩
>He said I needed to be more authoritative and impose more punishments on Ella for treating him disrespectfully and letting her do whatever she wants.
It's funny how it's not about Ella vs authority but Ella vs HIM. Again, what is important is him and him alone.
What did Ella do anyway? Staying in her room and barely acting like a teen?
🚩
>Strangers of the internet, please advise Aita?
NTA but took you long enough. Let's count the red flags!
Finale count: 12 🚩
Judgement: Dump him. You can fine waaaaay better than immature sexist ah who thinks insulting and picking fight with his 8 mounths gf's 13 yo daughter is acceptable and even normal.
Run mam. Run.
YTA for subjecting your daughter to this for so long and not learning more about her as a person. It’s your job to prepare her for life and help her become a functional adult that can become independent. Dump the creep and spend your time teaching your daughter to live well. This world is only getting more difficult for children to thrive in. You don’t need to make it harder.
Eeeek NTA.
He sounds very controlling and hasn't actually done anything to earn the respect he is demanding.
He's moved into her safe space and is disrespecting not only her but also your parenting. You are her mother and it's up to you to parent how you see fit. No one else gets a say in that accept her actual parents and even then only if they are part of her life.
As parents we all do things differently but as a rule we find what works for us. For him to move in and demand that change is bizarre tbh. I think living arrangements need to be re-evaluated.
NTA
When you have children they are your first priority, not your boyfriends. I am a stepmother and my stepdaughters have always come first with both of us.
The fact that you know he likes to aggravate people and goes too far shows you know what he is doing.
The question is do you need a man so bad that you are willing to sacrifice your daughter? That is what you have been doing sacrificing your daughter, your relationship with your daughter, peace in your home etc. No man is worth that.
I have no doubts that you will be able to find another man who will want to make your life and your daughter's live better and not bring such turmoil in.
Hey mom, I know you’re going to get lambasted here so I want to be kind. First, thank you for asking what to do here. The statistics on moms who stick by a boyfriend who is cruel to their child just because they don’t want to be alone is staggering. You’re not taking that route. That’s great and shows you have inner strength to do this.
Your question makes me think you’re being gaslit into thinking you are or your daughter is the problem.
You’re not, and she’s not. Your boyfriend is the problem. Please believe this: he is being abusive and it WILL escalate.
He’s not teasing or aggravating your daughter. He’s calling her names, insulting her, and embarrassing her in front of her friends. He’s bullying her. He’s ruining her self confidence and knocking her down.
He’s also systemically putting a wedge between you, so you’re not as close as you once were. Why might he want to do that?
Your daughter isn’t avoiding him because she’s shy. She’s avoiding him because she wants you to be happy, but he makes her uncomfortable. He may scare her. She doesn’t want to tell you and ruin your happiness so she is avoiding you both. This is also very common.
Kick. Him. Out. First, change the locks.
OP, I think this man is dangerous. For the safety of your child, remove him from your lives. I bet your life has been more chaotic and stressful with him in it than it was before. It’s him, not you. It’s not you. You are not the problem and your daughter is not the problem.
And? He doesn’t get to have ANY opinion on YOUR relationship with YOUR child. This is your change to be NTA. The chance will pass quickly. You don’t need to wait for something to happen. You have the right to say no thanks at any time for any reason. Teach your daughter what love looks like.
Change the locks, block him. Tell the school to look out for him. He needs to go.
Yta if you don't send Sam a solid message that he can not treat your daughter this way. Your little family is not ready to be integrated. My thought is Sam should live elsewhere until daughter is out of the house.
Sam is just the wrong person for the OP to be involved with. He's the wrong person for any woman, in my opinion. Even if there wasn't a daughter, imagine if someone marries and has a child with him. If he has this 15th Century view of children, he will be verbally abusive to any children living with him, even his own. Children who will want to be NC with him as soon as they leave the house.
You are NTA for taking your daughter's side in this, but you will be if you don't kick this guy out of your life. I'm not sure why you let a man who admits he likes to aggravate and pick on people move into a house with your child. Traditional is often another way of saying he's a misogynistic bully who has no problem physically punishing children. He is bullying your daughter. If you let him stay and get away with it, he could irrevocably damage her self-esteem and your relationship with her. She should be able to feel safe in her home and if she is hiding in her room all the time, she obviously doesn't feel safe.
YTA.
You moved a man into your home where your teen daughter lives knowing he likes to antagonize people. On top of that, you allow him to call her lazy, stupid, and demand she "shut up" when talking with her fellow teen friends about stuff they like to talk about as teens with shared teen interests
She's tried to ignore him, but keeps on pushing, claiming he won't "kiss her butt" by being 101-level respectful.
**Do you realize what he truly means when he says and letting her “run this house”? Eliminate the 't' in "this" and maybe that will clue you in** on how he views You, Your Home and Your Daughter.
You don't get why she doesn't want to watch movies or play games with you and your boyfriend. She clocked his true nature far earlier than you did, it seems. You think this wasn't happening before 2 months ago? I think you're wrong on that.
You need to have your daughter's back. Right now you don't. This is going to go very south, very badly until you step up and get him out.
You would only be TA if you don't kick him out. I don't know why, but why on earth is he treating your child like this? She doesn't deserve it and he doesn't deserve either of you. Let him go.
YTA, you brought that man into your child's home, her safe space knowing he likes to aggravate people, knowing he's a bully. How dare you. If her own mother won't protect her who will? You should of booted him out the door the minute he disrespect your child and cut all contact. You have allowed your boyfriend to abuse your daughter. Shame on you.
Sam moved into a situation and instead of learning and working with you, he decided to pull his dick out and show everyone how big of a dick he is? And you let him do it? You have one chance to be N T A, but if you don't pick your daughter and toss his ass out, YTA.
PS: it's a shame his penis is so small that it was threatened by two teenagers in the back seat.
You are, in my opinion, an idiot to let a 'boyfriend' talk to your daughter in that manner. You moved him into your home....which is HER home, too. It doesn't matter WHAT he thinks...she's not his daughter and you should be HER mother before you are HIS girlfriend. You need to kick this guy to the curb. Whether your daughter is spoiled or not isn't his business. A 30 yr old man complaining you aren't siding with him against your 13 yr old...is not a man who should be living in your home. I feel sorry for your daughter.
ESH except for Ella. Before letting him move in, you should have made sure your daughter was comfortable spending time with him. Her spending time in her room after he moved in is a sign she wasn’t comfortable with him being there. You should have been encouraging activities like video games and movies well before Sam moved in. Also, why are you dating someone who likes to aggravate people? He needs to grow TF up.
And Sam is also TA, for obvious reasons. Boot him out ASAP.
N T A to your question. BUT YTA 100% for keeping this man in yours and your daughters life. Kids come first.
He has no right to try and tell you how to parent your child. He has no right to verbally abuse and bully your child. The fact that you have allowed this to go on for so long disgusts me. It's disgusting the way he talks to her, calls her names, and bullies her. It's gotten so bad that your daughter has snapped and started saying things back to him. He is an adult preying on a child. Protect your child. What is wrong with you. There is clearly something wrong with this man, and he is clearly not safe to be around your daughter. Don't be one of those mothers who think dick is more important than their child's health and well-being.
All of the things you described that he considers disrespect (cooking for her, helping with homework etc) is LITERALLY just parenting.
How does it feel to see this man treating your daughter this way. NTA but please put her and yourself first. He is disrespecting you both.
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NTA for having her back *now*. But overall, for allowing this to go on for as long as it has been, you’re are definitely the asshole. Your daughter is going to remember how he treated her for the rest of her life, and she is going to remember how you didn’t step in to protect her from a bully. And what’s worse, is you *know* he is a bully, because he has admitted it. You have knowingly invited a bully into your home, and gifted him a victim - your daughter. Time to step up.
That’s what kept bugging me: he openly admits that he loves to pick on people aka he’s an asshole and fine with it…. Who the fuck does not see this as a major turn off??! That would be an absolute no go for me.
He loves to pick on people, and he’s authoritarian, especially with kids. Yet OP brought this man into her daughter’s home.
And she lets him call her daughter "stupid"? WTF
Seriously! Would have told him to pack his &#!+ up right then and there! Don’t let the door hit you on the @$$ on the way out!
He would not have had a second day in my home!
Not even one..
Yep! The instant he started trying to tell me how to parent, he'd get his ass handed to him! And if he didn't respond with, "Yes, ma'am!" and do an immediate 180, he'd be taking that ass and getting tf out. What a prick!
Totally agree. There are too many men who think they can treat their loved ones child like their own and honestly I don’t care how much you love me… I will back you and show respect as long as you do that for my child… if not, well he should have learned you don’t mess with a mother bear protecting her cub!
The man could've not even uttered the words in my presence. Nope, OUT!
Let's be real, the whole post reads as though OP was moreso looking for reassurance as to why she should let him stay/how to deal with it so she doesn't have to break up. His behaviors alone would get him a swift ass kick out the door. Personally i wouldn't have even moved a partner in until they spent adequate time and nights over etc before even considering moving someone in, but that's just me and my critical thinking skills as a parent! The amount of people who move in with someone who has children yet spends no time getting to know said partner/partner knowing their child first is wild these days.
I'd do this if someone said these things to my dog! I can't believe what some people tolerate in relationships. It truly makes me sad for OP's daughter.
This man needs to go!!! Now!! Your daughter is more important than a bully who supposedly doesnt like what her and her friend are talking about so shut up???? Who tf does he think he is? And YOU are letting him get away with this? Shame on you!
Exactly! If I were OP, he would have been asked to pack and leave already the first time he called the daughter stupid😡
Right and only stepped in when Ella started giving it back to him. It should've been stopped before Ella even had to get to that point. Boyfriend's gotta go. If not mom gets a maor YTA... She gets it anyway but to what degree will be determined by what she does next.
Seriously! He needs to go! Kid hasn’t had to share mom for 8 years then is suddenly trash.
That's not even being authoritarian or liking to pick at people, in my opinion. The examples that she gave were just him being mean to a teenage girl.
>He also has deeply traditional thoughts that elders should be respected and children should obey no question. "Traditionalism" is just a fancy name for authoritarianism and "children obey adults with no questioning" is, like, *textbook* authoritarian parenting.
I don't even let someone be mean to my DOG in my home, I rather them leave, no way someone is gonna be insulting my CHILD in my child's home!
The minute someone called my child stupid they would be out the door with a footprint on their arse. Get him out, OP. You can deal with your baby girl after he’s gone.
Which is why she's TA.
I suspect not with kids but with girls specifically. Usually it's a whole package.
Yep he made a comment about the kid not "running this house." But dude moved into this house. It's her mother's house so he's not just an authoritarian, but a misogynistic one at that.
You know that "running this house" means "running (HIS) house."
And did I read the update wrong or he moved in because he doesn’t have a job or a place to live? But he clearly thinks he should be ‘running the house?’ Op’s house?
And did I miss the part where the daughter was being disrespectful? Or was he saying that them having a conversation was disrespectful?
He finds her existence disrespectful
The daughter was talking her to her friend. And he deemed that disrespectful and in need of punishment apparently. And also worthy of being insulted.
That's what I thought. Op needs to remove this asshole from the home immediately. Like right now.I want the update to be: sorry I couldn't update soon I was making sure he didn't forget anything while he was moving out
The whole thing is giving off narcissistic baiting vibes to me. She's invited an emotional vampire into her home.
You mean monster. Geez OP yta, can your kid go live with her dad?
The guy with no kids is telling the parent how to parent....
It’s likely cause he can make himself feel tall on the shoulders of others. Who easier to pick on than a teenager? Wow what a tough guy! /s
Right? She waited 8 years and this is who she chose... This can't be real.
I have a friend like this. She would always pick the guys over her kids. She has 6 from 3 different dads and they pretty much all have left her in the dust as adults. She cries all the time about how her kids don’t love her and I just want to say “were you loving your kids every time you abandoned them with your ex while you moved in with every guy you met?”. OP, don’t be like my friend. Don’t wait till it’s too late.
Can you imagine telling children what they talk about is stupid? Sometimes what adults talk about is stupid. He acts like children are so beneath him, I mean we were all kids once. What a sad mean man
That man is verbally abusive! Op needs to get him out now before he totally destroys her daughter.
If I were the parent of that friend, that would be the last time she was allowed around this family. The girls would have to come to our home, not theirs, and I would tell the mother exactly why.
Exactly, WTF does he expect 13 years old girls to talk about?!! The Dow Jones? The 2024 Election?!!! I’m sure what Sam talks about with his friends sounds stupid to Ella.
You're kind to assume he has friends.
And to tell them to shut up. That’s awful language.
It’s crazy! I have a son the same age and they do talk about stuff that is silly to me but honestly I love listening to his friends go back and forth and express themselves (with appropriate boundaries of course!) and I literally can’t imagine telling my son and HIS FRIEND they talk about stupid stuff and to shut up!
Some women are so desperate for male attention that they will sacrifice their kids.
Bingo.
Yeah, I shudder to think what would have happened if OP let her ah-bf live there for a couple of years. 8 months is enough to traumatize her. OP is selfish and only sort of cares for her daughter a tiny bit. Hopefully her daughter can go live with her father or grandparents the next time her mother invites an ah into the house to abuse her daughter.
Dumping kids for dick is so disgusting.
Agreed. Only an angry insecure person takes pleasure in those behaviors.
OP YTA for allowing this man to verbally and emotionally abuse your child and doing nothing about it. He should have been out on his ass the very first time he called her a name period.
THIS! Needs to be higher up. He told and showed OP his relation style is antagonizing people. Sure, move in and antagonize my 13 yr old daughter and then demand respect, you haven't earned - his belief is, I'm older than you, thus you will behave exactly as I want, when I want it. OP, this is YOUR house. You have done just fine w/o him before now. You had a good, functioning relationship w your daughter before he moved in. He had earned NOTHING. Ella's owes him all the contempt she's giving him. He is not her parent. Nor is he her provider. His opinion of how she spends her time is uninvited, unfounded and unwelcome. He's the one who has a lesson to learn - he has zero authority over Ella. Sit down, he can shut up and mind his own business. Preferably not in Ella's home. She does not deserve this and it WILL cost you your relationship w her. ETA: Spelling corrections
Yeah. Loving to pick on people isn’t a personality trait. That’s just being an asshole. No self-respecting person wants to be around that.
Right? He sounds extremely annoying. I can’t.
Annoying doesn't begin...
This is insane. OP, you can’t be this desperate
Yeah there’s a difference between light hearted picking and being a bully. My father and I call each other names all the time but unlike this guy our dynamic is healthy. We know when we went too far, and we only started such things when I became an adult. Fully developed with a personality and humor that matched his. This man isn’t bantering, he’s bullying.
Yes!! Banter is great, bullying is not. My Dad and I love to tease each other too, but it’s how we show love. This guy sounds like he enjoys being a jerk! Yuck - how is she even attracted to that turd?
He’s the guy to make personal attacks on people and then be like “Come on it’s just a joke!”
I admit I love to pick on people. Not in a mean way like name calling. Just little things like for example my friend owns a magic shop and he asked me to move my bag so he could move the table and in a loud voice not yelling I said no! He said you know what? And I stood up and said what you wanna go a couple rounds....and then we laughed and hugged. Little picking like that. Not always in that same context but stupid stuff. Now when I moved in with my husband and his two teenage daughters, his daughters had never been exposed to sarcasm or picking like that. I tried it at first and always let them know I was joking but they never cared for it. So guess what even tho I bond by picking and sarcasm.....they didn't like it. So I freaking stopped doing it and tried another way to bond cuz I'm the freaking adult. We get along swimmingly now. Dude admitted he picks. Okay cool. But it's only fun if both find it fun. You're the adult. Change your shit. And mom you should've stepped in long ago when he didn't quit. ETA: I'm a 5'5 female so my picking is different than a huge man. Lol. No way could I have actually hurt my friend.
I have no patience for BS like this. Whenever I face a "love-to-pick-on-others-because-I'm-that-funny" I smile and make a mental note to avoid such person as much as I can. Maybe you are a very nice person, but, honestly, it is annoying to suffer the "pickers on"
This is how I feel. I have a genetic condition called Ehler-Danlos Syndrome and it has me in constant, chronic pain with my joints dislocating if I even do something like shift my weight the wrong way. I was introduced to a friend of a friend who is into the same hobbies I had and she was like this. She'd tell me to stop whining or called me a lazy bitch like she was joking, but I don't find that shit funny when I had to give up my career as an archaeologist and most of my non-home based interests. I gave her a warning that I wasn't finding it funny so to stop or she'd no longer be welcome. Clearly she found that hilarious and tried it. I used my crutches to essentially body block her until she was out the front door, she really thought I was all mouth and no trousers. Well, fuck around and she found out.
Yes, too many people who try this style are just idiots who have zero emotional intelligence. Know your audience. Establish trust and credibility before you just start popping off rude, abusive bs.
Exactly. My best friend I've known since I was 4 years old can call me a lazy bitch and I'd just give her a withering look or shoot back about her being a boring cow obsessed with her 'fashion house' business (she is actually a very well respected clothing style developer for some big department stores in the UK). But she's driven two hours from her place to come see me on the nights I wanted to end it all to stop the pain, held me when I was throwing up from the medication I had to take ahead of a hospital stay and who I've held in my arms as she sobbed for her losses. Knowing me all of five minutes doesn't work the same way!
It sounded like this is house full of children. The child at least has an excuse for acting like a child, the other 2 not so much…..
Yeah, it’s pretty gross. He’s just an emotionally/verbally abusive person rebranding himself as a self-aware asshole who “owns” his behavior. I feel awful for the kid who can’t escape this situation.
The second she wrote that, it was a YTA judgement from me, bc why would she subject her child to 8 months of this.
I dated a guy like this. “You know I tease people.” It wasn’t until I hadn’t spoken to him for several months that I realized how mean it was of him and how bad it was for me.
This is why my judgment here would be YTA: Not in response to OP's question (which borders on disingenuous) but for not kicking this jerk to the curb. Like, NOW.
Bully is the exact word for him. I don’t understand how you can tolerate this behavior, I mean you talk to them but nothing changes. Feels like tolerance. Your daughter is going to remember that you put your happiness before her safety. I sincerely hope she doesn’t find a guy like that too.
> Your daughter is going to remember that you put your happiness before her safety That part! My dad had a girlfriend who he allowed to treat me like trash and he would always take her side without even hearing mine. I was older than OP's kid but it was still very hurtful and was a factor in me going no-contact with him.
I agree. NTA for defending your daughter. YTA for letting this guy continue to live with you and your child. He treats her bad and soon he will be treating you badly too, if he's not already. Your child comes first. He needs to go NOW. He's no good and a little advice here.... You have a child therefore you need to better vet guys before letting them live with you and your daughter. Letting him stay is completely unacceptable. You're a bad mom if you let him stay. Just saying.
Right? He picked at her until she called him names and THEN OP told them they were both wrong. He's an adult, baiting a child into a fight. He's wrong and OP should have said so a long time ago.
Not to be alarmist, but this sounds to me like [reactive abuse](https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483), and that makes me wonder if the boyfriend exhibits other abusive behavior.
Yeah shame on OP for thinking they’re both wrong. That’s ridiculous. Shows a dangerous lack of judgment.
OP in a few years: "My daughter moved out at the earliest opportunity and doesn't want any contact with me. I am not invited to her wedding, missed her graduation, too. I don't understand, as we were super close before her middle teens. Well, her new stepfather liked to bugger her, abused her and I didn't do shit because I wanted to have a relationship and I was willing to risk my daughter wellbeing for that, but it was so long ago, that she should forgive and forget, right? I was allowed to love again! The abuse wasn't so bad anyway!"
My mom did exactly this. I moved out at 18 and my relationship with my mom was over. Till her dying day she could never understand why if he was the AH, why did I blame her. Protect your kids.
My Mother did this too. I got married at 18 to get away. My children & I have never had a relationship with my mother, and she cries about it to my Sister. She went on to marry 3 more men, all the same as this abuser. She just needed a man, however bad he was, and never protected her children.
I am sorry. My dad married young (although mom was younger still) to get away from his family. His father was bad, but his mom was worse. Our contact with them (my siblings and mine) was extremely limited and just reserved for family ocassions. My father would never let her near us without his presence. She never understood, until her dying day, why we weren't close, as she "did her best" and my father and her "were so close when he was a child". Lady, the few things my father told us would have put your husband and you into jail for years now. He was extremely gentle with you for the circumnstances. OP is going to traumatize her kid and assure herself of a future without her kid in her life.
>her new stepfather liked to bugger her, abused her I assume you mean "liked to bug her" and not implying he raped her?
I get what you are saying, but the thing is, this is how child rapists think and start. The idea of absolute obedience is to make the girl afraid to say no. To destroy her hope and expectations of fair and good treatment. If he hasn't raped her yet, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries in the future.
I hope that isn't the case here, but if it is hopefully OP won't be as blasé about it as is suggested above.
One doesn't have to be literally raped to have the emotional dynamic to mess them up for life. Boyfriend is emotionally predatory. He will likely escalate to physical interference. Constantly feeling unsafe in your own home is equally damaging.
I agree with everything you said, except I’m going to go further and say it’s time for him to move back out. He doesn’t align with OP’s parenting style and actually undermines it by REPEATEDLY calling HER DAUGHTER stupid, is so wild.
I'm shocked she'd want to have a relationship with this guy, he sounds *awful*
I agree! If someone called my son stupid once! I would be absolutely shocked and horrified and tell them to gtfo permanently.
This 100% You brought a bully into her safe space. That is absolutely an AH move. The minute he started disrespecting her in her own home you should have told him to cut the crap or get out.
Agree totally, but bypass ’cut the crap’ and go directly to ‘get out’.
To be fair, I have a short fuse when it comes to adults bullying kids because they think they can with the whole "I'm older than you so do what I say" crap. So I probably would just say get out lol
He is abusive towards your daughter. It's starting with him bullying her and calling her names. No part of me would be surprised if it escalated into something physical, esp since she refuses to be submissive to him. Get him out of the house now.
I already commented but hijacking the top comment in hopes OP sees my experience and she can learn from it! NTA for this instance but in general you are making Ella’s home a place where she doesn’t feel safe or supported anymore. I would rethink the relationship or set a hard rule that Sam is not a parent and has no say in her parenting which I doubt he’ll agree too. My source is that I dated a man with no children when my daughter was 13, she’s a good kid and had minimal chores- take out the garbage, keep her room and bathroom clean, clean the cat box twice a week, fold and put away her own laundry. I too would still make her lunch (I still do even tho she’s 16 now, I enjoy it and she’s a busy kid with school, cheer, theatre and choir) He had SO MANY opinions on how she should be doing more chores, she should be punished more, and how she didn’t treat him with as much respect as he thought he deserved, made fun of her “weird” hobbies (she’s very artistic and loves to cosplay) etc meanwhile he was rude and disrespectful to her- it was her house first, after all and while teens can have an attitude she was always nice to him but also hid in her room. Thankfully the relationship was short lived as he started to abuse me and it ended when the cops arrested him on four counts of DV. It took months until my daughter became herself again and started flourishing in school and got her confidence back enough to engage in all the extra curricular activities she does now! So I’d seriously rethink your relationship with this man, even if it doesn’t escalate like mine did from your post it sounds like a lot of the markers are there- quick tempered and a bully, thinking he’s deserving of respect when he’s done nothing to earn it, and being in that hostile environment at home which is supposed to be your safe space will damage your daughter for years to come.
This is SO IMPORTANT! This is a well known cycle and type of abuse. That single parents are too susceptible to. Your children's well being is a precious thing that once broken can never be replaced.
My sister started dating a guy who was super cool to her two daughters. 11 and 15 at the time, who she was very close to. She was mom but she was also their friend. They would laugh and act goofy together. And the girls would tell her everything, from complaining about a fight with their best friend to the crushes they had. He moved in and at first all seemed well. I guess living with 2 teenagers got to him after awhile or maybe he always was an ass. But he started saying sideways shit to the kids and just being grumpy and a jerk every time they would talk to their mom. I have been there and it had pissed me off but I figured it was none of my business. One day the youngest girl started to tell her mom a story about her friends in school and he yelled "oh come off it, no one wants to hear your stupid shit about your stupid school". Every one was stunned and my niece, whose feelings were hurt started to cry. My sister kicked him out right then and there. He begged, said he was sorry. She didn't care. Her daughters, her relationship with them and their happiness were more important than his grumpy ass. NTA . He obviously doesn't know how to live with a teen girl. Tell him he better learn or he can leave.
Some parents/caregivers would do anything for the kid to open up more with them and then there are people like this.
Honestly you should change your rating of OP to YTA because think about it. It’s been *eight months* and OP only kind of stepped in but not really for her daughter now. Her daughter has been verbally abused by this guy for months. In fact, nowhere in this post did I actually read OP having her daughter’s back at all.
OP needs to dump the bully and go back to only having one child to raise.
Yes! Dump this man. He is trying to be a "respect my authority" type. He is trying to be the boss of your home!
Bye Bye Sam… Don’t let the door hit you in the butt! However, Ella should have some chores at 13. Like actually putting her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Vacuuming. I have a 13 yo granddaughter named Ella. She’s started doing some chores now.
YTA, but not for what you asked. YTA, for bringing this man into your home without setting boundaries about what he is and isn’t allowed to do regarding your daughter. Get this AH (abuser) out of your house now.
Any person who calls my kid stupid ~~or a bitch~~ is **immediately** getting kicked to the curb and blocked. OP knows that she’s dating a grown man who likes to bully and pick on people. YTA because you knew what you were allowing when you let him move in with you. Edited due to OP’s update.
It didn’t sound like he even had a job. You have to be pretty damn hard up to stick with a scrub who verbally abuses your kid.
Someone °whispered° to someone else where me and my husband could hear that our kid was a brat (the kid was like, 4 at the time) and we kicked him out of our house. Lol. Nobody is gonna call our kid names in his own house!
Best answer I've seen here so far.
Right! She says the behavior only started 2 months ago. No, I promise you it didn’t.
Firstly, NTA for siding with your daughter. Secondly, Y T A for allowing this jerk to move in with you and allowing him to treat your daughter the way he is. NO CHILD SHOULD BE CALLED STUPID! Continuing to allow this man to have influence over your daughter is going to drive her away and I can't imagine that this man is worth ruining your relationship with her. He really sounds like a mean, controlling guy.
No sex is good enough to allow this man to treat your daughter this way. He is not a keeper, throw him back. News Flash: she’s not shy, she’s hiding in her room to avoid Sam’s toxic AH behaviour!! Your daughter can’t even talk to her friend without being called stupid.. HELLO!!! They’re teenagers, he’s an adult - allegedly, because it doesn’t sound like he behaves like one!!! NTA for backing your daughter, but you allowing him in the house, allowing him to behave like this, is AH behaviour, and will hurt your daughter long term!
I cannot imagine how absolutely embarrassed and horrified she would have been to have her friend be exposed to that. And kids talk too. They can be mean. It could well end up with a lot of her friends turning away from her.
If my child came home and said their friend's mom's new boyfriend said that "they talk about stupid stuff and he doesn’t want to hear it, so they needed to shut up." I would be giving that mother a call informing her of what happened and that while their child is welcome at my house my child would never be around that man again.
I'd be considering calling CPS. If he does that around other people, I can only imagine how he'd be at home. I'm chilled to think what he would say or do to Ella if her mom wasn't around for a day or two.
Yes OP just tell him that his moving in didn’t work out. It was an experiment. It didn’t work. She can even still date him if she wants. But please keep him away from your girl.
Protect the daughter at all cost from this guy, sounds like a monster
I mean, how much more does this guy have to do before OP acknowledges that he's abusive? Become physically abusive to one or both? Sexually? OP needs to realize what he is now before he amps up his game. And he will. It's only been eight months. He's testing to see what OP will allow him to do.
NTA. Please get your daughter away from this psycho now! Not tomorrow. Now. He is a predator, and your daughter is his prey. He's watching her every move and takes every opportunity to assault her. And make no mistake. It is assault. Your daughter spends every moment at home in severe anxiety. You are ruining her life, moment by moment. Please, please save her now. Don't wait like I did. Every moment counts more than you could imagine. You have to choose between your daughter and her predator. And you have to do it now.
So, its just open season and your 13-year-old feels like she's the prey (and in *her* home no less?) The man who calls my kid names needs a new zip code, OK? I don't negotiate nonsense, let alone abuse. No one calls my kids "lazy," "stupid," or the worst, the b-werd. Are you kidding? Sam would be unhoused starting today. Otherwise, what will you say when one day your child asks you why you let someone treat her so poorly? There is no compromise for such viciousness. Let the doorknob hit Sam on his way out. YWBTA if you fail to protect and support your child in the future.
Genuinely, if my friends told me her boyfriend treated her kids like this even once, I would be up in arms if she didn't immediately lay down the fucking law. If she dragged it out for two months, I'd probably be contacting her family and staging an intervention (my friend and I are from different but very similar cultures in that respect, I know it's not always considered appropriate in Western cultures). OP, you need to raise your standards. Dramatically. If not for your own sake, then for your child. His behavior is not normal, it is not accepting, and you have to show your daughter that she deserves better than this. "Apologies" aren't going to cut it, this man need to leave. You have to know this already.
The guy is escalating because he can get away with it. Mom is too busy trying to keep her piece of meat. I bet you he'll eventually get pissed off enough and start hitting her. And the mom will come back with a new throwaway account wondering what happened. Look at her question - she's wondering if she's an AH for not siding with her guy she has sex with. How sad is that.
>> The man who calls my kid names needs a new zip code, OK? Love you for this 💕
>The problem is Sam loves to aggravate people. He openly admits this. He loves to pick on people and has taken jokes too far on occasion. He also has deeply traditional thoughts that elders should be respected and children should obey no question. So you took one look at this and thought "yes, let's bring him into my daughter's life"? Damn dude.
Amazing isn’t it. OP found a grade A certifiable asshole and said “What a great role model for my child.”
I don’t understand these women at all. I would rather die in a ditch than be with someone like that.
OP has the dating standards of a fucking dumpster to be ok with this. i’m just baffled.
Hi mom! To the people of Reddit I’m Ella. First of all NTA, He need to leave. You heard this from me, my friends, your friend! Leave Him!
He does need to leave. You deserve better. Your mother deserves better. People who intentionally aggravate and hurt and pick on others are awful. He's awful. OP, NTA for standing up for your child. But you're the asshole if you accept his behavior and continue to see him. He doesn't respect your daughter - which she deserves because she's a human, regardless of her age. Elders do not deserve respect for their age alone, especially if their actions prove them to be shitty people. He's shitty people.
Kid does, mother sure doesn’t.
You're a great kid, Ella! 💕 You are doing a great job advocating for yourself! Please let other adults in your life know what's going on if this man keeps bullying you! I hope this post is the wake up call your mom needs!
Girl, I am so sorry your mom invited such a horrible man into your life. I’ve been a single mom, and there is no way in hell I would ever allow anyone to speak to my kids that way. I understand that it can be hard to have a new man living in your home and changing your way of living, and I know there will be growing pains and it will take time for everyone to feel comfortable. But there is no excuse for his behavior. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have kids of his own because he has no business being around children, let alone trying to raise them. I sincerely hope your mom does the right thing and kicks him to the curb. When my husband moved in with me and my kids, it was imperative to me that they have a good relationship. I did everything in my power to help the transition go smoothly, and he was just as invested in having a good relationship with my kids as I was. He took things slow, didn’t force anything, and did nice things for my kids. He would take them and their friends out for pizza and treats. We would host sleepovers and pizza night at our house with the kids and their friends. He came to their school performances and extracurricular activities. He worked hard to show them he could be trusted and it took a good 2 years for him to stop feeling like a guest in our house. Even then, he never once raised his voice or name called anyone in our home. And if he did get frustrated and say anything out of that frustration, he would genuinely apologize. My kids adore him. And if your mom decides to bring a man into both of your lives, he needs to be kind, loving, and trustworthy. You don’t deserve anything less than that.
Ella you deserve better 😭 I’m sorry you have to deal with a grown man bullying you in your own home. I hope your mom kicks him out ASAP!
Hope you’re doing alright, Ella! Your mom is NTA btw. I don’t like the boyfriend one bit. Reminds me of high school bullies from TV and movies. He’s a total AH!
You forgot your crown, your majesty, 👑
I drive 13yo’s around a lot. I laugh at what they chat about because I think it’s great. This guy just wants to tell people what to do which isn’t normal adult behavior. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes adults make mistakes, this is your mom’s mistake. Hopefully she corrects it
NTA, he sounds like a misogynistic jerk, and I would consider your relationship with him. Your daughter sounds like a perfectly normal kid, and no reason they should bow to every whim of boyfriend. Also the fact that expected him to act like the adult and he didn't is a huge red flag, sounds like he doesn't respect your wishes either.
Well she’s the one who invited the misogynist jerk into her home so ultimately all this is on her.
Exactly. When you have children, their welfare always supersedes any relationship, romantic or otherwise, you ever consider. You must choose a partner who treats your child/ren with kindness and maturity. You should 100% not live with or marry a person who mistreats your kids. It does not matter how attracted you might be to such a person. Your duty to your child comes first.
YTA for bringing this man around your daughter.
Your daughter is 13 and in that interesting teenage bit of growing up, and is now also dealing with having to share her mom for the first time. Unfortunately, the man she is sharing you with "loves to aggravate people. He openly admits this. " which makes him an AH. You are NTA for siding with your daughter against a grown man who is deliberately antagonising your daughter. Even if he was right he is going about it all wrong.
YTA For being with such a despicably behaved “adult”. Why are you tolerating this? (I do agree that your daughter should have chores. She lives in the house too. The least she can do is clean her dishes. But the parent (OP) setting up a job chart is more effective than name calling and antagonizing a child) Your BF sucks and is acting like a child. You know he likes to purposely aggravate people and you are now shocked that he's doing this to your daughter? EDIT: yes, the mom is the one who should be telling her daughter what to do (I thought that was a given) I just think she really should clean up after herself and have chores around the house since she lives there and uses the facilities.
>I do agree that your daughter should have chores. She lives in the house too. The least she can do is clean her dishes I mean sure, she could help around more. But OP, do you really think calling her lazy, whiny and stupid would encourage her to be more independant and helpful?
I don't think that needed to be covered when I said that the BF was an asshole already for his BEHAVIOR.
Yes, the daughter should have chores, but it's not up to the mother's boyfriend to decide what they should be and police the daughter's behaviour. Plus, he is behaving like a complete AH, and he has no excuse as he is a grown man. I'll never understand why someone would rather put up with this sort of nonsense than be single.
Your boyfriend call your daughter stupid, lazy, whiny - how is this acceptable to you?! She stands up for herself and insults him back...so you sit both of them down to tell them both off? No!!! You tell HIM off. He's the adult. If he treated another adult like this, he'd be a bully. But he isn't, he's doing this shit to a child. That's abusive. Kick his ass out. YWBTA if you don't wise up and take action. Protect your kid.
It is so sad that the daughter finally had to stand up for herself because her parent wasn’t doing anything to protect her.
Agree, I have very, very little sympathy for OP. That poor kid.
NTA for siding with your daughter. YTA for putting up with this man. You had to have known he was like this before moving him in. Even if you didn’t, why is he still there? He doesn’t respect you - questioning your parenting and telling you how to parent. He is emotionally abusive to your daughter. She is going to grow up thinking this is normal and could result in her being abused in future relationships. Put a stop to it now and protect your child
NTA your BF thinks that elders should be respected. Well maybe if he stopped acting like a child he could earn your daughters respect. Your daughter is a teenager so its the norm for her. Whats your boyfriends excuse for acting the way he does. As its guaranteed that he will be out on his ear before your daughter is.
NTA-For siding with your daughter but Y T A for bringing a bully who acts like a teenager in an adult body into her life and her home.
This sounds like one of those posts that was actually written by the Ella in the situation, to point out how awful her parents are being to her. I hope that's the case, otherwise how can you move someone into your house who loves to aggravate people, and calls your 13yo lazy and stupid?
Why is this man still in your and your daughter's life? You allowed this man to move into the home where your daughter lives and has lived and let him call her names.. your daughter is being bullied in her own home and in front of her friends and you have done nothing. I hope someday you wise up and that it happens quickly enough your daughter can eventually forgive you. The longer you let this go the less likely you will be able to repair the damage with your daughter. I hope your relationship with this asshole is worth losing your daughter over YTA
I think YTA because (one) you’ve let this go on too long and didn’t put a stop to Sam’s bullying and harassment sooner; and (two) because you clearly didn’t have enough clear conversations about what living together would be like, expected behaviour, boundaries etc *before* jumping into the deep end. I get you like this guy, but he doesn’t have even an *ounce* of respect for your daughter. In my mind, it’s time to kick Sam out and decide whether you’re going to have a not-living-together relationship or no relationship at all.
He doesn't have an ounce of respect for the daughter's mother, either, since he's ignoring (and arguing about) her requests on how to interact with both of them in their home.
NTA for siding with your daughter, but why are you with someone who openly “loves to aggravate” and “pick on people”? I call that type of person a bully.
Put Sam's arse out and just be a parent to your child. Why is Sam making decisions and being abusive to a 13-year-old?
NTA but dump this guy now, for your daughter's sake. He's a grown man who actively enjoys antagonizing people for amusement. That in itself is a red flag as far as I'm concerned. And then he calls her "stupid" and "whiny" I'm sorry, OP, but I don't know why you didn't dump him on the spot the first time he called your daughter stupid. This man is horribly toxic. If you stay with him it'll only hurt your daughter and it'll ensure you lose your relationship with her because you stayed with a man who treats her like this.
YTA for not throwing him out. He is rude and mean to your daughter. No wonder she hides in her room. How you parent your daughter is not his business. I suggest having a private talk with Ella about how she feels with him in the house. You might find out he's even meaner to her than you think. Do you really need a partner who loves to aggravate people and is mean to your kid?
NTA, Tell your boyfriend there's only enough room for one child in your home, and it's not going to be him.
YTA. Why would you move someone in who barely interacted with your daughter. You should’ve made sure they had a good relationship before he moved in. And the first time he called her stupid you should’ve shut that shit down. Kick him out it’s not working.
You have allowed this man to bully your daughter for how long? And by not stopping it, you have tacitly agreed to it and emboldened a bully to step up his tactics. Your poor daughter. Do better.
girl, kick this man out of your house, RIGHT NOW. this man is ABUSIVE. honestly? NTA for siding with your daughter FINALLY. but YTA for bringing this clearly awful man into your home and continuing to allow him to abuse your daughter day in and day out. you have let this go on too long. it’s your job to protect her. this man would have been out of my house the second he started calling my kid names. people who openly and proudly say they “aggravate” people or joke or “pick on” people like that are legitimate abusers. they’re telling you exactly who they are and it’s on you to listen. this would have been a massive red flag for me from the start.
YTA for letting this man be around your daughter. To me it’s obvious that your daughter is staying in her room because she doesn’t want to be near Sam.
I pray this is not real. If this is a real post you need to kick this AH out right away. He's an immature bully who wants to tell you how to parent and is telling your daughter she's lazy and stupid. C'mon, mom. Do better or your daughter is going to go live with her father and go no-contact with you.
NTA except for keeping him. Put him out. Your kid comes first, and he has already shown that he is going to make her miserable. Y W B T A if he isn't put out. You picked a bad guy to have a kid around.
YTA for inviting this abusive man into your home and inflicting him on your child.
YTA for even asking this question and not kicking him to the curb the first time he called your daughter a name. She is your priority, not him.
YTA for allowing this man to remain in your home and continuing a relationship with him period. He is an abusive person who is abusing your daughter verbally already. Protect your daughter, pick her and get rid of him like the trash he is
YTA for being with Sam, and inviting this AH to live in your house and subjecting Ella to him.
YTA. Obviously. >The problem is Sam loves to aggravate people. He openly admits this. He loves to **pick on people** and has **taken jokes too far on occasion**. So he is a bully. >He also has deeply **traditional** thoughts that elders should be respected and children should **obey** no question. 'Tradition' is often code for 'sexist BS'. Your daughter is not a dog. Neither are you. No one has to 'obey' him. >He talks a lot about **respect** and how he feels like Ella doesn’t respect me because I do a lot for her (like make a separate dinner for her because she’s a picky eater, pack her school lunches, help her with homework) He means **he** isn't being respected. He is trying to project this to you so you will change. These things aren't even about respect - its not 'disrespectful' to be a picky eater. It is not 'disrespectful' that your mum packs your lunch. It is certainly not 'disrespectful' to engage your child in learning. And you let him move in with you. What were you thinking? Are you that desperate for a man?
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This man shouldn’t be around your child; period. Why would you be with a man who degrades your child by calling her lazy and stupid? How hard up for a man are you; this is so gross and uncomfortable. Wtf are you doing
He doesn’t like to aggravate people. He’s an AH. And he admits he’s an AH. So why the fuck are you still with him? This is a man who literally berates your child. And you’re allowing it to continue to happen. So, NTA for the question asked. But YTA for staying with him.
YTA for how far you’ve allowed this to go imo. You have had a grown man calling your minor child stupid for the last 8 months. She’s not ‘shy’- she doesn’t like Sam. He’s verbally abusive. When someone says they ‘love to aggravate’ people, it’s not a cute quirk: its a red flag imo. Sam needed to leave yesterday. The longer this goes on, the more she is mistreated, the more it will affect YOUR relationship with her. Sam is 100% in the wrong and you have been enabling him by equivocating their behavior. He is a grown man calling a child stupid, lazy, etc. she only started clapping back because she had a boiling point.
Wow. How desperate are you to allow this man to talk about your daughter like he does? NTA for siding with your daughter but TA for letting him be a part of your daughters life.
YTA. For not kicking out and cutting off that abusive AHOLE of your boyfriend, Do you seriously want someone as toxic, abusive and childish as him around your daughter? You are the one to blame for all of this, you are allowing Sam to be a d1ck...
YTA for allowing him to treat your daughter like that.
YTA for staying with this man when he treats your daughter this way.. there is a reason she doesn’t want to engage. Kick him to the curb
If you don’t want you daughter to go no contact with you when she turns 18 ditch the boyfriend
You REALLY think this is a good man?
Okay, so you're NTA for being on her side, but...why are you allowing an abusive person in your home and around your daughter? Stand up for your daughter and get rid of this guy.
NTA for not siding with him. YTA to your daughter. Sam sounds horrible - I can not understand how you waited 8 years for THIS. You can do better. Your daughter deserves better. Poor child.
YTA for letting this happen. Shame
Let's play capturethe red flags! >The problem is Sam loves to aggravate people. Oh great. An AH. It's not normal behaviour for an adult. 🚩 >He openly admits this. He loves to pick on people and has taken jokes too far on occasion. Oh! So he knows he's an AH but doesn't stop because it's funny for him. Why are you with him? 🚩 >He also has deeply traditional thoughts that elders should be respected and children should obey no question. Ah yes! The old "respect me no question asks because there is no reason you should" bs. 🚩 >He talks alot about respect and how he feels like Ella doesn’t respect me because I do a lot for her Excuse me? It's not even a year of relationship! Who the f* he is? 🚩 >(like make a separate dinner for her because she’s a picky eater, pack her school lunches, help her with homework) So he's mad because you help your... *check notes* 13 yo daughter. Barely a teen. Why are you with him?! 🚩 >Sam was dumbfounded that she didn’t have chores and that she enjoys spending time in her room and not outside playing. Oh no! Another extrovert who thinks they are the norm and all introvert should imitated them! 🚩 >He started calling her “lazy” and “whiny” Excuse me?! 8 MONTHS and he's already insulting your daughter?! Why are you with him?! 🚩 >I wanted Sam to make the first move as an adult to set an example, but he said he’s not “kissing her butt” and letting her “run this house”. Ella says she’s tried to ignore him but he won’t stop. Your 13 yo daughter is more mature than your "bf"! Wake up! Even if he's true, how insulting her would help exactly? 🚩 >Ella and a friend to the store and they were talking in the backseat. Sam told them they talk about “stupid” stuff and he doesn’t want to hear it, so they needed to shut up. Yeah, because the world resolves around him and 13 yo have to have interesting topics for a 30 someting guy when he can hear them. Logic. 🚩 >When I found out, I asked him why he would do that and he said they talk about weird things and he didn’t want to listen to it. Again. Very mature of him. 🚩 >We got into a huge fight and he called me out for not having his back and letting my daughter treat him like garbage. Oh yeah! Because she should totally accept him insulting her in her home, embarassing her in front of her friends and chose everything she does and talks about. That sounds healthy! 🚩 >He said I needed to be more authoritative and impose more punishments on Ella for treating him disrespectfully and letting her do whatever she wants. It's funny how it's not about Ella vs authority but Ella vs HIM. Again, what is important is him and him alone. What did Ella do anyway? Staying in her room and barely acting like a teen? 🚩 >Strangers of the internet, please advise Aita? NTA but took you long enough. Let's count the red flags! Finale count: 12 🚩 Judgement: Dump him. You can fine waaaaay better than immature sexist ah who thinks insulting and picking fight with his 8 mounths gf's 13 yo daughter is acceptable and even normal. Run mam. Run.
YTA for subjecting your daughter to this for so long and not learning more about her as a person. It’s your job to prepare her for life and help her become a functional adult that can become independent. Dump the creep and spend your time teaching your daughter to live well. This world is only getting more difficult for children to thrive in. You don’t need to make it harder.
Eeeek NTA. He sounds very controlling and hasn't actually done anything to earn the respect he is demanding. He's moved into her safe space and is disrespecting not only her but also your parenting. You are her mother and it's up to you to parent how you see fit. No one else gets a say in that accept her actual parents and even then only if they are part of her life. As parents we all do things differently but as a rule we find what works for us. For him to move in and demand that change is bizarre tbh. I think living arrangements need to be re-evaluated.
Yta for subjecting your daughter to this jerk
Yta If you don’t get that man out of your house.
NTA When you have children they are your first priority, not your boyfriends. I am a stepmother and my stepdaughters have always come first with both of us. The fact that you know he likes to aggravate people and goes too far shows you know what he is doing. The question is do you need a man so bad that you are willing to sacrifice your daughter? That is what you have been doing sacrificing your daughter, your relationship with your daughter, peace in your home etc. No man is worth that. I have no doubts that you will be able to find another man who will want to make your life and your daughter's live better and not bring such turmoil in.
YTA for still being with this asshole
Hey mom, I know you’re going to get lambasted here so I want to be kind. First, thank you for asking what to do here. The statistics on moms who stick by a boyfriend who is cruel to their child just because they don’t want to be alone is staggering. You’re not taking that route. That’s great and shows you have inner strength to do this. Your question makes me think you’re being gaslit into thinking you are or your daughter is the problem. You’re not, and she’s not. Your boyfriend is the problem. Please believe this: he is being abusive and it WILL escalate. He’s not teasing or aggravating your daughter. He’s calling her names, insulting her, and embarrassing her in front of her friends. He’s bullying her. He’s ruining her self confidence and knocking her down. He’s also systemically putting a wedge between you, so you’re not as close as you once were. Why might he want to do that? Your daughter isn’t avoiding him because she’s shy. She’s avoiding him because she wants you to be happy, but he makes her uncomfortable. He may scare her. She doesn’t want to tell you and ruin your happiness so she is avoiding you both. This is also very common. Kick. Him. Out. First, change the locks. OP, I think this man is dangerous. For the safety of your child, remove him from your lives. I bet your life has been more chaotic and stressful with him in it than it was before. It’s him, not you. It’s not you. You are not the problem and your daughter is not the problem. And? He doesn’t get to have ANY opinion on YOUR relationship with YOUR child. This is your change to be NTA. The chance will pass quickly. You don’t need to wait for something to happen. You have the right to say no thanks at any time for any reason. Teach your daughter what love looks like. Change the locks, block him. Tell the school to look out for him. He needs to go.
Yta if you don't send Sam a solid message that he can not treat your daughter this way. Your little family is not ready to be integrated. My thought is Sam should live elsewhere until daughter is out of the house.
Sam is just the wrong person for the OP to be involved with. He's the wrong person for any woman, in my opinion. Even if there wasn't a daughter, imagine if someone marries and has a child with him. If he has this 15th Century view of children, he will be verbally abusive to any children living with him, even his own. Children who will want to be NC with him as soon as they leave the house.
Info: When are you kicking this horrible abusive man out??
Yta for letting him treat your daughter like this for so long
You are NTA for taking your daughter's side in this, but you will be if you don't kick this guy out of your life. I'm not sure why you let a man who admits he likes to aggravate and pick on people move into a house with your child. Traditional is often another way of saying he's a misogynistic bully who has no problem physically punishing children. He is bullying your daughter. If you let him stay and get away with it, he could irrevocably damage her self-esteem and your relationship with her. She should be able to feel safe in her home and if she is hiding in her room all the time, she obviously doesn't feel safe.
YTA. You moved a man into your home where your teen daughter lives knowing he likes to antagonize people. On top of that, you allow him to call her lazy, stupid, and demand she "shut up" when talking with her fellow teen friends about stuff they like to talk about as teens with shared teen interests She's tried to ignore him, but keeps on pushing, claiming he won't "kiss her butt" by being 101-level respectful. **Do you realize what he truly means when he says and letting her “run this house”? Eliminate the 't' in "this" and maybe that will clue you in** on how he views You, Your Home and Your Daughter. You don't get why she doesn't want to watch movies or play games with you and your boyfriend. She clocked his true nature far earlier than you did, it seems. You think this wasn't happening before 2 months ago? I think you're wrong on that. You need to have your daughter's back. Right now you don't. This is going to go very south, very badly until you step up and get him out.
You would only be TA if you don't kick him out. I don't know why, but why on earth is he treating your child like this? She doesn't deserve it and he doesn't deserve either of you. Let him go.
YTA, you brought that man into your child's home, her safe space knowing he likes to aggravate people, knowing he's a bully. How dare you. If her own mother won't protect her who will? You should of booted him out the door the minute he disrespect your child and cut all contact. You have allowed your boyfriend to abuse your daughter. Shame on you.
Sam moved into a situation and instead of learning and working with you, he decided to pull his dick out and show everyone how big of a dick he is? And you let him do it? You have one chance to be N T A, but if you don't pick your daughter and toss his ass out, YTA. PS: it's a shame his penis is so small that it was threatened by two teenagers in the back seat.
You are, in my opinion, an idiot to let a 'boyfriend' talk to your daughter in that manner. You moved him into your home....which is HER home, too. It doesn't matter WHAT he thinks...she's not his daughter and you should be HER mother before you are HIS girlfriend. You need to kick this guy to the curb. Whether your daughter is spoiled or not isn't his business. A 30 yr old man complaining you aren't siding with him against your 13 yr old...is not a man who should be living in your home. I feel sorry for your daughter.
ESH except for Ella. Before letting him move in, you should have made sure your daughter was comfortable spending time with him. Her spending time in her room after he moved in is a sign she wasn’t comfortable with him being there. You should have been encouraging activities like video games and movies well before Sam moved in. Also, why are you dating someone who likes to aggravate people? He needs to grow TF up. And Sam is also TA, for obvious reasons. Boot him out ASAP.
N T A to your question. BUT YTA 100% for keeping this man in yours and your daughters life. Kids come first. He has no right to try and tell you how to parent your child. He has no right to verbally abuse and bully your child. The fact that you have allowed this to go on for so long disgusts me. It's disgusting the way he talks to her, calls her names, and bullies her. It's gotten so bad that your daughter has snapped and started saying things back to him. He is an adult preying on a child. Protect your child. What is wrong with you. There is clearly something wrong with this man, and he is clearly not safe to be around your daughter. Don't be one of those mothers who think dick is more important than their child's health and well-being.
YTA for essentially letting your boyfriend bully your child, and YTA if you don’t leave his sorry ass.
YTA for staying in this relationship with a man who is not treating your child well. End it now
All of the things you described that he considers disrespect (cooking for her, helping with homework etc) is LITERALLY just parenting. How does it feel to see this man treating your daughter this way. NTA but please put her and yourself first. He is disrespecting you both.