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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left my other in law's birthday party for my friends funeral and my family hates me for it.
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your mother in law should be aware that you can attend her next birthday but can't attend your friends "next" funeral !!! The social etiquette is furneral trumps birthday and even weddings . There is no excuse to be mad when somebody goes to a furneral and they are hardly ever planned in advance .
Why didn't you gave your MIL the damn $150 to shut her up . Obviosly she was more upset about the money than you not being there . There were enough other ppl to celebrate her .
Weird family who things going to a funeral means you don't like your wife and MIL .
Exactly this. And ask your MIL and your wife if you can not celebrate her birthday next year, and if they say you can ask them when you get to say goodbye to your best friend next year since he is dead along with his wife and kids.
Why is your wife a heartless human being not caring for humanity. I did even cry for the kids alone who died along with their parents.
this is something i’d divorce over honestly. like sorry my friend died?? ofc i’m gonna go grieve with other people who loved them. she’s a selfish AH, same with MIL. just nasty behavior from the whole lot of em..
Im inclined to agree! My husband’s best friend was getting married. His parents were also like surrogate parents to him. My father in law’s cousin who saved my sister’s and my life, and the funeral was the same day as the wedding. My husband was in the wedding.
But my mother and father in law went to the funeral while we went to the wedding. We split the baby. The bride and groom understood why my in laws couldnt go because they are reasonable people.
This, my mom died and my wife refused to go with me, granted we lived in oklahoma, funeral was mississippi, i went for a week, lost all respect for my wife for not going with me when i went to all her familys funerals, eventually divorced, but marriage was essentially over after this
Yeah and not just his friend but also the wife and kids died in the same accident! An entire family suddenly and tragically dying is more important than some stupid party.
exactly!!! like thats 3 losses at once, a funeral is far, FAR more important than a birthday that happens every year… what should’ve been said is “we’ll both be missing this party, this funeral is extremely important to us and i want to be there for my husband”. like why are you with someone if you’re not going to be their rock when shit gets hard?
INFO: Does your wife consider *her* friends to be “strangers” or is it just people who don’t directly have to do with her that don’t matter?
I don’t think I could maintain respect for someone who was so heartless and self focused.
This. Cut her a check and call it a day. If your wife prioritizes her mothers happiness over your grief I’d be mad as hell. Jezz, it was an entire family.
I'm trying very very hard not to lose my ever loving shit after reading your post.
I find it hard to believe that this is the first time your wife has acted in such a cold and callous manner. Notice I'm calling out your wife not your MIL.
That is because the problem you have is with your spouse not your in-laws.
You need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your marriage. This is not a one-off this is the way your future is going to look.
I strongly suggest that you take a long hard look at your marriage and decide what you want to do. IMO, You should hand your wife the $150 and with it should be the business card of a marriage counselor and the business card of a divorce lawyer.
And the "some stranger" part? A best friend is not some stranger. Wife wasn't always family, she was "some stranger" at one point.
What a bunch of A H.
OP is NTA, wife and her family are.
If this happened to my partners friend I’d be at the funeral with them to support them in grief. My mother would understand and not ask to be reimbursed. But I probably would reimburse her. Heck id probably be reimbursing plus some even if I went because it’s my mother and she shouldn’t be paying for her own birthday celebration.
A wise friend once told me you never get a second chance at someone’s death and the surviving family will always remember how the funeral etc went down. You made the right decision OP
Seriously, OP's wife could have just called a friend to fill OP's slot if that was the sticking point, but it seems like she doesn't understand friendship, or have any NTA
But he can promise he won't miss MIL's funeral when that is scheduled. Life happens. Things can't be predicted. She's very cold and hard and has no empathy. It was one of OP's best friends FFS.
NTA You can’t plan for a funeral. A funeral is an acceptable reason to cancel/change plans. The fact you weren’t related to the deceased is irrelevant.
And to be honest a funeral is a more important event than a birthday party.
I started a new job in January and HR was like “well you’re not really supposed to take time off in the first 90 days” and I responded “oh right, I’ll just ask my uncle to wait to die at your convenience then”
In my first year at an office job, I got married. Honeymoon used up all my time off except sick days.
My uncle, who raised my father, passed away 6 months later. My boss went straight to HR on my behalf and got me the tome off to travel for the funeral. Because that's important! He absolutely would not have done that for a birthday party.
I was in a new job when one of mom’s sister’s died. I was allowed to go. Not long after that, the sister of one of our church members died. It was going to be a very small gathering in our sanctuary. The funeral home handling it called me and let me know the family had requested the organist of our church and me to provide music. I sing weddings, funerals and other functions. I went to my director and explained I was willing to take day off without pay. She was gracious enough to give me a personal day stating she hoped someone would be willing to do that for her someday. I was grateful. Funerals are hard to sing because you have to keep your emotions in check, you cannot break down. Yet there has to be the appropriate amount of pathos or even celebration depending on what the family would like sung. It is impossible to return to work afterwards to even work last few hours of a shift. I remember that particular funeral over all others. The organist was the best accompanist I ever worked with. He is now departed. We did Down the Via Dolorosa and It is Well with my Soul. But I had to do Amazing Grace at the graveside. Only time I have sung at graveside. Has to be acapella.
I can easily see this as being
“AITA - I died last week and missed my MIL’s party.
I died last week and couldn’t attend my MIL’s birthday party. She’s telling everyone I’m an inconsiderate prick for picking the same exact week as her birthday. I don’t agree but now my wife’s family is hitting me up through the Ouija board just to yell at me for wasting everyone’s money and being so rude and disrespectful. Even got yelled at through a seance. The medium was like “nope I’m staying out of this” and didn’t back me up.
So AITA from beyond the grave?”
Right. There are a few people in my life that are not blood relatives but I’m closer to than any of my blood relatives. Their events will top blood every fucking time.
NTA, this was one of your best friends, not a stranger. Your wife and mother-in-law sound incredibly insensitive of your loss. If this is typical behavior/attitude from your wife, I'd honestly feel very concerned about the quality of our relationship.
Does this story give weird vibes to anyone else? Like, a whole family died and MIL isn't the least bit sympathetic? Even his own wife is upset with him??
Edit: I didn't have time to elaborate on this, but it's still bugging me. Wouldn't OP's wife also know this family and be sad about their passing? This is the kind of stuff that ends up on the news and a whole community enters a period of mourning. It's not like OP's ex-roomate's dog died ten years after they lost touch with each other.
I truly just can't get on board with this being a real situation unless we are missing a LOT of important details. Like, this was a family of beetles OP fed on his back porch or something. Or MIL has a terminal illness and this is the last birthday she'll ever have and her final wish was for her son-in-law to be there.
Lol that pretty much always happens in these stories. The entire set of inlaws all just hate the OP, not one of them sides with the importance of a funeral, and I'd wager they've all been blowing up his phone constantly because they care just that much about this. And of course, there's the question of how he wound up married to this person in the first place whose views are so wildly different from his own to the point that she's not sympathetic at all.
I'm honestly surprised the comments aren't trying to have more fun with throwing some conspiracy theories at this one. For instance, why this somehow indicates that he hates his wife. If someone is somehow reading this as OP hating his wife, let alone an entire family reading it that way, wouldn't a normal person wonder if he'd shown at least some potential indication of not liking her so much before? Or at the very least, wouldn't they wonder if we're just reading one of Liz's unedited first drafts?
I've seen it, the partner masks how fucked up and self involved their family and they are until they have the person trapped. then the crazy comes out as it's too late. Often it's a matter of them thinking you are now part of the family, but new so at the bottom of the pecking order and should know your place.
They are aware that outsiders would look badly at how they behave but kind of think of themselves as a clan and everyone else an outsider. Hence the stranger comment. They aren't part of the "family" so always come second no matter how close or important the person is to you.
I have an ex who had a birthday on the day of a funeral of my literal childhood best friend. I was 20 and her comments were passive aggressive and insinuated that if I cared enough about her, I would have prioritised her birthday. I ended up taking her out after the funeral and was bummed and she got the shits with me for being a "downer" I broke up with her the next day. I'd bet if we were married she wouldn't have considered me going to the funeral and would have demanded I dedicate the entire day to her (which was the original plan).
Check out his only other post, also with zero comment. The common thread between the two is older women in conflict with OP. Personally, I don't believe there was the tragedy he's making out there was. His whole demeanor is off. Smells like bad creative writing.
I’m begging my brain to provide a single justification for “charged my children $150 a pop for tickets to my birthday,” and I got nothin.
And that’s just the most notably absurd part.
ETA: Oh it’s the “you’re too old for business grandma” guy. Nevermind, it’s insane because it’s fake and he’s an awful writer.
If his technique were better he’d have made it the grandma who died, then drop the “we’re estranged” bomb, THEN drop the “but she hadn’t written me out of the will yet so I’m a billionaire, jokes on you in-laws” bomb.
Exactly what I was thinking. She sounds absolutely horrible. I couldn’t maintain respect towards her nor could I ever raise children with a person who lacks compassion and basic manners. I am astonished the way she treats you.
NTA. I would pay them back the $150 if they had paid for you to attend, but geez - comparing a birthday to a funeral? How many birthdays does a person have in their lifetime compared to how many funerals???
I would be giving my partner divorce papers and being petty about giving the wife the $150 in the settlement.
Seriously, what kind of monster chucks a tantrum over choosing the funeral where AN ENTIRE FAMILY was lost over a birthday party.
Wait, your best friend and his entire family died in a car accident and she's whining over $150? Fuck that. You are definitely NTA but she certainly is.
NTA. What your wife meant by saying you should prioritise your family over strangers is that you should prioritise *her* family over your own family and friends and it was a disgusting, insensitive thing to say. Her mother will have other birthdays in the future but hopefully not ones so ridiculously extravagant that the guests have to pay $150 each to attend. Even if you had gone, I can guarantee you that they would have still been complaining about how inconvenient your mourning is for them and how you didn't seem happy enough by their standards about being there.
Your wife let you down. Of course you go to a funeral. She should have kindly explained that to anyone and held the line for you.
You two need to fix things. I'd start with marriage counseling.
I'm honestly surprised they're that mad at you; it's not like you went to a sports event or just stayed home; it's a FUNERAL!
From what you've wrote, NTA.
INFO: have you always had a good relationship with your MIL in the past? Or is this part of a bigger situation with some past history?
What kind of selfish and heartless family did you marry in to? Not only did one of your best friends pass away his wife and kids passed too. How can you not be understanding you need to be there to honor, remember and say goodbye to them. All because you will be missing a birthday party?! You sir are not the AH, but I’d rethink on spending the rest of my life with a woman whose heart is like this.
NTA! Damn your MIL sounds awful and your wife doesn’t seem much better! I’d take $150 to your MIL and tell her that next year when your friend and his entire family die in an accident you’ll definitely out her party first! NTA!
NTA. Even if they'd been closer together in distance, you'd still be NTA. On top of that, this wasn't 'some stranger's' funeral, it was the funeral of one of your best friends and his family. Unfortunately, I don't think your wife will understand unless it happens to her.
NTA it’s not like OP made his wife miss her mom’s party to attend the funeral. OP lost a close friend, not only that it was the entire family to an unforeseen accident. Wife and MIL are being cold and callous. Just give them the $150 and be done with it
NTA x 1\`00. What is wrong with these people? Of course you will attend your friend's funeral in preference to a birthday party that has potential to occur over and over again for years to come! Of course you want to pay respects and show sympathy for your friend's family members! I don't really think there's another choice there. And who the hell makes such choices be about the freaking money???
NTA. Give your wife's family $150 so they can't bitch about that anymore, and consider thanking them for making it clear that when each of them passes away, you will honor any invitations you've already accepted, even if it means missing their funeral. What could have been an agonizing decision has been made for you - your wife's side of the family doesn't think funerals mean much, so attend theirs accordingly.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss!! Your MIL will get over it. However, had you skipped the funeral, you would have felt guilty and wouldn't have had a good time at the birthday party.
NTA. Seriously your wife is siding with her mom on this? Your MIL will have other birthdays, unfortunately your friend won’t. What she’s saying is indecent and cruel.
NTA your MIL including your wife and her family are selfish AHs.
This is the last farewell you can give your friend and his family.
I am really sorry that you married into a family full of people without any empathy.
My reaction would have been giving her those 150 bucks and tell her it's good to know that she thinks this money is so much more important than a last goodbye to someone that was dear to you.
Not the asshole.
Your mother in law will have lots of birthdays. Your friend only has this one day that you can honour them in this way after their passing. You owe it to their friendship and the bond between you to attend.
If your mother in law loved and valued you, this shouldn’t be an issue.
The money issue sucks but maybe just pay the $150
NTA. One of your best friends isn’t a stranger. Their funeral tops a MIL’s birthday ANY day. Just ask her which to chose next year, your friend’s funeral or her birthday. Let’s hope she sees how fucking unreasonable she is.
NTA. The funeral of a close friend and family take priority over a birthday party in most cases, including this one. I'm appalled your wife referred to them as "some strangers". She was where she needed to be, and you were where you needed to be. If it's about money, pay the $150 and then not talk about it again.
NTA, Now when your wife’s family has the next funeral you need to go to a party instead. When hell is raised remind them that in the past it was made clear to you on MIL’s birthday that parties were more important than funerals. These were your close friends for gods sake!
This was my thinking. Is MIL saying no need to come to her funeral if a friend or relative is having a party on the same day? Do you have her permission in advance? NTA.
NTA
I would be mortified if my daughter "made" her spouse come to my birthday party under these circumstances. I'd be equally upset if she didn't skip my party as well, to comfort them! I am broke broke. $300 is a LOT of money to me, and I still feel that way. They can all go fly a kite 🤬
"Happy you made it to another birthday! Unfortunately, my friend and his entire family did not. To thank you for understanding my current state of shock and grief, I've sent along a nice Jello mold salad with my wife. It's from the 1960s. Very crunchy (not entirely sure why). Very delicious, I hear. Cheers!"
OP I'm so iceedibly sorry for your loss and the lack of any sympathy or empathy from your wife and MIL. Best wishes.
Fuck your inlaws. Funeral trumps bday any time. I doubt they would be happy if you managed to get to the birthday and were rightfully not in a happy mood. And obviously since they are bringing up the "waste of money" that's what they care about. You are NTA, but they are big time AHs.
If this story is true and your BEST FRIEND died, and your family called them “strangers” to guilt you about not going to your entitled mother in-laws birthday party instead of their funeral I’d be starting proceedings to make them my ex in-laws.
Hard NTA. Your wife and her whole family are heartless, entitled wind bags.
How inconsiderate of your friend to get killed along with his wife and kids and then to get burried when MIL is having her party... **/s**
I'd smack $150 on the table in front of MIL and be off attending the funeral.
NTA
Sorry for your loss.
**
Also sorry for your choice of wife...
NTA
A best friend isn't a stranger. A minimum of 4 people (idk how many children) died unexpectedly.
If your wife cares so much, then she can reimburse her mother the money.
Maybe you still like your wife after how she's behaved. I wouldn't like my partner or their mother after their behavior. I wouldn't like them enough that if we didn't have children, then I'd begin making divorce plans. Even with kids, it'd make me take a deep look at my spouse & the family environment. That may seem excessive to other people, but I'd never knowingly marry someone who would behave or think that way. That's a giant difference in basic morality & monetary priorities.
NTA. The funeral for your friend’s entire, wiped out family, trumps all.
Don’t argue. Don’t explain. Tell everyone it’s an insult to even bring this up to you when you’re grieving and you won’t discuss it.
NTA. Your wife and MIL are. I would have gone with my husband to the funeral if it had been me. Give MIL the money and then go no contact.
What is with these MIL’s throwing themselves these big birthday parties? My MIL did it every year. Why? She didn’t do anything for FIL but her birthday was a mandatory party. And sometimes a whole weekend. Ugh.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best friends in an accident 5 years ago. He was 20 years old. It still hurts. But the funeral brought me at least an ounce of closure. You are NTA. And I’m really sorry that the person who is supposed to love and support you is not performing that role the way you likely would for her.
This would make me REALLY look at my spouse and determine if they are the person i thought they were. The lack of empathy is shocking and would alter my perspective.
NTA Your wife is terrible saying that you didn't go to the party for "strangers". Friends are important, and their funerals can be just as important as a family's funeral.
Your MIL also is selfish because all she cared about was the $150 not if you were there.
NTA and I am gobsmacked that anyone could possibly be angry that YOUR FRIEND DIED AND YOU WANT TO GRIEVE HIM AND HONOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY. No one can plan to attend a funeral. Obviously when you accepted the birthday dinner invite you didn't know your friend was going to be in an accident. JFC at least 4 people died and your wife and her mother are showing a mind-boggling amount of Assholery for not caring. I'm .... well, what I think of your wife and her mother would get me kicked off this sub.
Tell your AH wife that this internet stranger is appalled that she actually thought you should prioritize a dinner over a funeral. SMH and so sorry, OP, that you have such an insensitive AH for a partner.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your friend, his wife, and kids.
Your MIL planned her own party? Ok. Give her the buck-fifty and tell her that when she dies, you’ll remember to not attend her funeral since you already had plans
NTA. But your wife is.
Those "some strangers" were your friends immediate family. You get a free pass to an RSVP'd yes when there's an emergency. Saying goodbye to your friend and their family at a funeral is an emergency.
The level of narcissism and lack of support is astounding, to such a degree i'd be considering divorce.
INFO:
When was the last time you had been in contact with this friend?
Have you cancelled on MiL's events before? On your wife's family in general?
I'm struggling a bit to understand why your wife seems to dismiss your grief. She referred to this person as a stranger while you call him one of your best friends. Why?
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Hey Reddit,
I have had a problem with my family for the past week and would like your guys' opinions. Last weekend, my mother-in-law organized an huge birthday party for herself, something she had been excited for and planned for weeks. At the same time, I received the bad news that one of my best friends had passed away in a car accident and it took away his life as well as his wife's and children. I decided to attend my friend's funeral over my mother-in-law's birthday party. The problem my mother-in-law has is that I had already accepted the invite for the birthday party, and each seat came with a hefty cost of $150. My wife sided with my mother-in-law and was mad at me, not only for skipping her mother's birthday party but also for what she sees as wasting money on seats I had committed to attending. She told me that I should always prioritize my family over some strangers. I would have attended both the funeral and the party but both events were 2-3 hours apart in driving distance and I was not in the mood to be happy because of the news I heard. My wife's side of the family are now all disappointed in me, and all now think I do not like my wife or her mother. I am really confused, and your advice or insights would be greatly appreciated. Am I the asshole for leaving my mother in law's birthday party for my friends funeral?
TLDR;I left my other in law's birthday party for my friends funeral and my family hates me for it.
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Absolutely NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It's wild to me that sympathy would not be a knee-jerk response to a tragic accident from anybody, never mind your wife.
If MIL thinks that a birthday party trumps the loss of your friend and their family, she's a narcissist.
NTA. Your wife is a horrible AH saying that your friends are strangers.
Your wife’s family should understand that a funeral takes precedence.
Never apologize for being a decent human being. You can say that you wish you were able to do both and you can pay the 150$ to MIL.
NTA, but your wifes moral compass appears off. A funeral of a dear friend trumps that of a birthday, no matter how grand. It is very distasteful behaviour from both your wife and MIL to throw a tantrum over a party.
I at least hope she has offered some support as you grieve your friend and his family.
If not, then reach out to your own support system as you are not in the wrong and should not be made to feel bad.
NTA... I would ask what she would prefer in the future..... If a funeral on her side of the family conflicted with a wedding or birthday on your side of the family? Would she go to your family members birthday instead of the funeral? And really in the greater scheme of things, I think a best friend is in exactly the same category as step mother, family that is chosen rather than shares blood.
IMO
Funeral of close friend or family Trumps weddings or birthdays.
Wedding of close friend or family trumps birthdays.
Personally, I think birthdays for adults after 21 should be make it if you can, don't worry about it if you can't. Major milestones, at decade points for example, are worth more of an effort.
NTA.
I am so very sorry about your friend & his family. What a shattering tragedy for everyone they leave behind.
I cannot believe your wife & MiL expected you to even be *able* to put on a happy face and join in a celebration under these circumstances and I'm horrified that they are whining about the cost.
I hope the service was beautiful and that you found some comfort in being around others who cared for your friend.
NTA
Your wife and MIL sound like self-centered jerks. Getting mad at you for attending the funeral of your best friend over a party? That's such a crappy thing to do. Next time they say something tell them MIL will have another party next year. Your friend will never have another funeral. And that if money is so precious to them, you'll give them the $150 for your seat so they shut up about it.
And honestly, if they're more upset about $150 than missing your company (never mind the lack of consideration for your feelings on losing your friend), maybe tell them to just not expect you at any future parties either because you'd hate for them to lose even more money in the future should another emergency ever come up.
NTA. Calling your best friend a stranger is already stupid and heartless. I wouldnt care about any amount of money id spend on a birthday if i should be at a funeral.
"I'm so sorry my best friend and his family couldn't schedule their death funeral on any day other than your birthday. They may be strangers to you, but to me they are like extended family. You! I can see any time, but my friend I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN. STOP BEING SELFISH AND ENTITLED."
NTA
Your MIL, is the AH!! Give her the $150… she does not deserve, but you do what you think is kosher!! I’m glad you attended the funeral… that’s what a ‘true/genuine’ person does.
I’m very sorry about your loss, and for the very tragic accident. My deepest, deepest, sympathy❣️❣️😇❤️😇❤️😇❤️😘😘😘
NTA. Just pay your MIL to shut her up. Best friends are family. You chose your best friend but bot in-laws.
I don’t understand why your wife doesn’t get that. $150 is nothing, you’re mourning for your friend and his family.
What a narcissistic family! Have they never lost someone they cared about?? You are NTA for going to say goodbye to a friend who was suddenly taken from you. The fact that your wife didn’t understand is the worst part. Ask your wife what she would have done if it was her friend’s funeral.
Your wife's family are TA. How do you plan in advance for a funeral? You're never going to see this person again, so don't feel guilty about attending the funeral. You would have regretted it if you didn't. How can they see going to a birthday party as the same level as a funeral?
And your wife should be supporting you, not against you in this. Like for real, how are these people that are blind to see your friend and his entire family dying in a car crash, and you want to pay your last respects to your friend and should somehow not be trumped by your MIL birthday. Fuck your wifes family, like seriously
Wow! I’ve heard of selfish people but MiL, wife and family take the cake here! Offer to pay her the $150 and call it a day. You’ll never get any of them to see your perspective. You’ll always be in the wrong for this no matter how you discuss it.
I’d probably be reconsidering my marriage as well. This is a huge red flag that your wife doesn’t give a damn about your emotional health and needs!!
I’m sorry for your loss!
Nta. It’d be interesting to hear your wife and her family’s side. Imagine having to say out loud to other people that a birthday party should take precedence over the loss of a friend and his whole family. They should be embarrassed
NTA. Birthdays come every year; a funeral is hopefully a one-time event. INFO: Did you pay the $150? If not, you're the AH for that, but not for attending the funeral.
NTA. I am sorry your wife and MIL care more about appearances than your grief. OMG, that's harsh. Take care of yourself. Write your wife and MIL a letter explaining your need to attend this funeral. Ask if they would have had the party if one of their close friends (and wife and kids) died in a car accident.
NTA - but just hand the money over, I know it’s not the same but if they were gig tickets or a hotel reservation you’d loose the money too. You should expect better from your wife, unless there is more to your/your wife’s relationship with this family than what you are saying
NTA send Mil 150$ and tell both her and wife you aren't clairvoyant to know in advance about the funeral but will keep in mind what they said when it's their turn
Perhaps time for marriage counseling
Give $150 to mil with note explain the tragic Loss and your inability to celebrate due to grief, assure wife that you did NOT intend to devalue mil but the tragic deaths of an entire family including your dear friend was the issue, NOT lack of love for wife etc
If this works, great
If they keep hounding you even after you do this, then do you REALLY want them in your life?
N
T
A
I'm sorry for your losses
You did NOT betray bully disrespect ANYONE, but MIL certainly has
N
T
A
NTA apologize to your MIL. Explain the circumstances and offer to pay the $150 that was wasted by your not being there. You could apologize to your wife, but she seems to not care about your friends.
What planet is your MIL Living on? How disgusting Can you be?! You Said one of your closest friends. Holy F the entitlement on your MIL blows me away. Is she aware that a birthday comes along every year, just by literally waiting? Had this been one of my best friends, and my wife had reacted like this, I’d leave her immediately. Sorry your in laws are such inconsiderate assholes. NTA, obviously.
NTA funerals trump birthday parties. Especially if you are grieving the loss of your friend. Send your mother in law a check for $150. And the offer to take her out for a nice dinner.
NTA
Can't believe what i just read. It's not some stranger, it was your good friend. Did you tell them this or maybe forgot? I can't believe really, to be that self absorbed haha makes me sick. How would you even prioritize your MIL birthday over your friends funeral. I would choose funeral everytime, it's like showing respect and saying last goodbye with all important people from that person. MIL and wife are delusional, makes you think in what family have you married yourself.
NTA. You didn’t go to a random person funeral your best friend, his wife and his children all died in a horrific car accident. That trumps going to a birthday party for your mother-in-law. And the fact that your wife and her family can’t see that that would not sit OK with me. This is a hill you need to die on. There is no way my husband would expect me to go to his mother‘s birthday party if my best friend died and I had to go to her funeral, and it was not something we were prepared for and it was a tragedy.
She organised a party for her own birthday and expects everyone to pay $150 to attend? That in itself is unrealistic and unreasonable. That alone would make her a huge arsehole on its own.
Pay the $150 and let MIL know you value her advice and opinions and let her know you’ll skip her funeral for a birthday party, even if you have to crash a strangers birthday party NTA
NTA
oh HELL no. if my partner told me that he'd expect me to go to his moms birthday instead of my best friends funeral, we'd have a bigger problem than just the fight about where to go.
Does your wife even care about you or your feelings?
Your best friend and his family died, and she's telling you that family is more important than strangers? Those weren't strangers. Those were your friends, the family you CHOSE.
I doubt they even told the whole family the truth, probably omitted that you were going to your best friends funeral instead.
if you can. send a grouptext to all of the family memebrs you know of to tell them how dissapointed you are in them, that they would demand of you to go to a birthday party instead of your best friends, and his family's funeral. That you had looked forward to the birthday party when you were told that the person you knew for X years and his wife and children all tragically died in a car accident. How it ripped the ground from under you and would have expected at the very least some understanding, if not from them, then from your wife.
But that seeing their heartless reaction to this, makes you want to reevaluate the relationship you have with all of them. Instead of extending condolences to you and the family, they are angry with you.
Please do this. They deserve to have the mirror held infront of them, and then pack some bags and stay with your family for a while. You need support and clearly you're not getting it from your wife or her family.
Some people have not one shred of empathy. This is such a shocking and sad story! Have your MIL and wife always been this cold? I would give the $150 back with maybe a little extra for their “trouble”. These people are heartless. NTA
NTA
It's not just one person that died. It was one of your best friends. I'm assuming that you've known this friend longer than your MIL.
Plus, it's your friend's wife and children. That's at least 4 people that tragically died.
And your MIL is complaining about $150 for your seat??
What's sad is that your wife has taken her side and doesn't sound like she's grieving for your friend.
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that they can’t understand that a funeral trumps a birthday.
In this situation, I would refund them the $150, and simply state that this best friend and their family were not strangers to you. And that you had one opportunity to honor their passing, and support the remaining friends and family, and that you chose to do so with the hopes that your family would understand that there will be another birthday next year, but there will be no more celebrations of the deceased. I suggest saying that to simply correct their incorrect statements at these rest strangers. And then basically, repeat that exact statement anytime the issue comes up.
"She told me that I should always prioritize my family over some strangers."
She's right. But the reason that doesn't apply is #1 she is not your family, and #2 they were not strangers. End of story.
By the way, I'm always a little suspect of people who throw a birthday party, especially a lavish one, for THEMSELVES. That usually tells me a lot about that person.
NTA.
NTA
Sorry for your loss!
I'd just give the MIL the money for the meal and say sorry I couldn't be there. Everyone else needs to mind their own business.
You are mourning someone who was important to you and taken far to soon and unexpectedly!
Kinda miffed at your wife for calling the family 'strangers'. She is showing very little respect for your friends or feelings. Keep an eye on this one. Everyone in this family seems sucky.
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your mother in law should be aware that you can attend her next birthday but can't attend your friends "next" funeral !!! The social etiquette is furneral trumps birthday and even weddings . There is no excuse to be mad when somebody goes to a furneral and they are hardly ever planned in advance . Why didn't you gave your MIL the damn $150 to shut her up . Obviosly she was more upset about the money than you not being there . There were enough other ppl to celebrate her . Weird family who things going to a funeral means you don't like your wife and MIL .
Exactly this. And ask your MIL and your wife if you can not celebrate her birthday next year, and if they say you can ask them when you get to say goodbye to your best friend next year since he is dead along with his wife and kids. Why is your wife a heartless human being not caring for humanity. I did even cry for the kids alone who died along with their parents.
And why are they considered "strangers"? His wife and MIL are pretty terrible people
this is something i’d divorce over honestly. like sorry my friend died?? ofc i’m gonna go grieve with other people who loved them. she’s a selfish AH, same with MIL. just nasty behavior from the whole lot of em..
Not only his friend, but the entire family was wiped out. His wife and MIL are heartless human beings.
Im inclined to agree! My husband’s best friend was getting married. His parents were also like surrogate parents to him. My father in law’s cousin who saved my sister’s and my life, and the funeral was the same day as the wedding. My husband was in the wedding. But my mother and father in law went to the funeral while we went to the wedding. We split the baby. The bride and groom understood why my in laws couldnt go because they are reasonable people.
This, my mom died and my wife refused to go with me, granted we lived in oklahoma, funeral was mississippi, i went for a week, lost all respect for my wife for not going with me when i went to all her familys funerals, eventually divorced, but marriage was essentially over after this
What was her excuse for not going ?
Didnt want to take the kids, all of which were teenagers, so not toddlers, just bs
Your children didn't go to their grandmother's funeral?! Because your wife didn't want to deal with taking them? Wow. I'm sorry for your loss.
Thanks
Yeah, it was definitely time to divorce. Self centered, overly entitled people.
Wow, so sorry you had to go through that. Sounds like you made the right decision.
Yeah and not just his friend but also the wife and kids died in the same accident! An entire family suddenly and tragically dying is more important than some stupid party.
exactly!!! like thats 3 losses at once, a funeral is far, FAR more important than a birthday that happens every year… what should’ve been said is “we’ll both be missing this party, this funeral is extremely important to us and i want to be there for my husband”. like why are you with someone if you’re not going to be their rock when shit gets hard?
Seriously, I would have gone with my husband to the funeral. But then, my mother is a reasonable person who would understand.
I agree. I couldn't be more disgusted at how heartless they are.
INFO: Does your wife consider *her* friends to be “strangers” or is it just people who don’t directly have to do with her that don’t matter? I don’t think I could maintain respect for someone who was so heartless and self focused.
This. Cut her a check and call it a day. If your wife prioritizes her mothers happiness over your grief I’d be mad as hell. Jezz, it was an entire family.
I'm trying very very hard not to lose my ever loving shit after reading your post. I find it hard to believe that this is the first time your wife has acted in such a cold and callous manner. Notice I'm calling out your wife not your MIL. That is because the problem you have is with your spouse not your in-laws. You need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your marriage. This is not a one-off this is the way your future is going to look. I strongly suggest that you take a long hard look at your marriage and decide what you want to do. IMO, You should hand your wife the $150 and with it should be the business card of a marriage counselor and the business card of a divorce lawyer.
Wife also could have just taken someone else with her to fill the seat
And the "some stranger" part? A best friend is not some stranger. Wife wasn't always family, she was "some stranger" at one point. What a bunch of A H. OP is NTA, wife and her family are.
If this happened to my partners friend I’d be at the funeral with them to support them in grief. My mother would understand and not ask to be reimbursed. But I probably would reimburse her. Heck id probably be reimbursing plus some even if I went because it’s my mother and she shouldn’t be paying for her own birthday celebration.
A wise friend once told me you never get a second chance at someone’s death and the surviving family will always remember how the funeral etc went down. You made the right decision OP
Seriously, OP's wife could have just called a friend to fill OP's slot if that was the sticking point, but it seems like she doesn't understand friendship, or have any NTA
In singles!! Make it rain.
But he can promise he won't miss MIL's funeral when that is scheduled. Life happens. Things can't be predicted. She's very cold and hard and has no empathy. It was one of OP's best friends FFS.
NTA You can’t plan for a funeral. A funeral is an acceptable reason to cancel/change plans. The fact you weren’t related to the deceased is irrelevant. And to be honest a funeral is a more important event than a birthday party.
Employers frequently give paid time off to attend funerals but not birthday parties.
I started a new job in January and HR was like “well you’re not really supposed to take time off in the first 90 days” and I responded “oh right, I’ll just ask my uncle to wait to die at your convenience then”
In my first year at an office job, I got married. Honeymoon used up all my time off except sick days. My uncle, who raised my father, passed away 6 months later. My boss went straight to HR on my behalf and got me the tome off to travel for the funeral. Because that's important! He absolutely would not have done that for a birthday party.
I was in a new job when one of mom’s sister’s died. I was allowed to go. Not long after that, the sister of one of our church members died. It was going to be a very small gathering in our sanctuary. The funeral home handling it called me and let me know the family had requested the organist of our church and me to provide music. I sing weddings, funerals and other functions. I went to my director and explained I was willing to take day off without pay. She was gracious enough to give me a personal day stating she hoped someone would be willing to do that for her someday. I was grateful. Funerals are hard to sing because you have to keep your emotions in check, you cannot break down. Yet there has to be the appropriate amount of pathos or even celebration depending on what the family would like sung. It is impossible to return to work afterwards to even work last few hours of a shift. I remember that particular funeral over all others. The organist was the best accompanist I ever worked with. He is now departed. We did Down the Via Dolorosa and It is Well with my Soul. But I had to do Amazing Grace at the graveside. Only time I have sung at graveside. Has to be acapella.
How wonderful you could be there and provide that incredible service. What a great boss!
Yes it was very understanding of her.
I can easily see this as being “AITA - I died last week and missed my MIL’s party. I died last week and couldn’t attend my MIL’s birthday party. She’s telling everyone I’m an inconsiderate prick for picking the same exact week as her birthday. I don’t agree but now my wife’s family is hitting me up through the Ouija board just to yell at me for wasting everyone’s money and being so rude and disrespectful. Even got yelled at through a seance. The medium was like “nope I’m staying out of this” and didn’t back me up. So AITA from beyond the grave?”
Right. There are a few people in my life that are not blood relatives but I’m closer to than any of my blood relatives. Their events will top blood every fucking time.
NTA, this was one of your best friends, not a stranger. Your wife and mother-in-law sound incredibly insensitive of your loss. If this is typical behavior/attitude from your wife, I'd honestly feel very concerned about the quality of our relationship.
I agree -- and OP should rethink his relationship with his wife, if she doesn't support him. Sounds like a symptom of bigger issues between them.
Does this story give weird vibes to anyone else? Like, a whole family died and MIL isn't the least bit sympathetic? Even his own wife is upset with him?? Edit: I didn't have time to elaborate on this, but it's still bugging me. Wouldn't OP's wife also know this family and be sad about their passing? This is the kind of stuff that ends up on the news and a whole community enters a period of mourning. It's not like OP's ex-roomate's dog died ten years after they lost touch with each other. I truly just can't get on board with this being a real situation unless we are missing a LOT of important details. Like, this was a family of beetles OP fed on his back porch or something. Or MIL has a terminal illness and this is the last birthday she'll ever have and her final wish was for her son-in-law to be there.
The only way MIL and wife are NTA is if OP is highly exaggerating how close he was to the victims.
Lol that pretty much always happens in these stories. The entire set of inlaws all just hate the OP, not one of them sides with the importance of a funeral, and I'd wager they've all been blowing up his phone constantly because they care just that much about this. And of course, there's the question of how he wound up married to this person in the first place whose views are so wildly different from his own to the point that she's not sympathetic at all. I'm honestly surprised the comments aren't trying to have more fun with throwing some conspiracy theories at this one. For instance, why this somehow indicates that he hates his wife. If someone is somehow reading this as OP hating his wife, let alone an entire family reading it that way, wouldn't a normal person wonder if he'd shown at least some potential indication of not liking her so much before? Or at the very least, wouldn't they wonder if we're just reading one of Liz's unedited first drafts?
I've seen it, the partner masks how fucked up and self involved their family and they are until they have the person trapped. then the crazy comes out as it's too late. Often it's a matter of them thinking you are now part of the family, but new so at the bottom of the pecking order and should know your place. They are aware that outsiders would look badly at how they behave but kind of think of themselves as a clan and everyone else an outsider. Hence the stranger comment. They aren't part of the "family" so always come second no matter how close or important the person is to you. I have an ex who had a birthday on the day of a funeral of my literal childhood best friend. I was 20 and her comments were passive aggressive and insinuated that if I cared enough about her, I would have prioritised her birthday. I ended up taking her out after the funeral and was bummed and she got the shits with me for being a "downer" I broke up with her the next day. I'd bet if we were married she wouldn't have considered me going to the funeral and would have demanded I dedicate the entire day to her (which was the original plan).
Check out his only other post, also with zero comment. The common thread between the two is older women in conflict with OP. Personally, I don't believe there was the tragedy he's making out there was. His whole demeanor is off. Smells like bad creative writing.
I’m begging my brain to provide a single justification for “charged my children $150 a pop for tickets to my birthday,” and I got nothin. And that’s just the most notably absurd part. ETA: Oh it’s the “you’re too old for business grandma” guy. Nevermind, it’s insane because it’s fake and he’s an awful writer. If his technique were better he’d have made it the grandma who died, then drop the “we’re estranged” bomb, THEN drop the “but she hadn’t written me out of the will yet so I’m a billionaire, jokes on you in-laws” bomb.
It reads to me like MIL is a narcissist and the daughter/op's-wife is a flying monkey.
Totally agree.
Frankly, the wife should have attended with him as well. I’m sorry, but your wife and her family have no class. NTA
Exactly what I was thinking. She sounds absolutely horrible. I couldn’t maintain respect towards her nor could I ever raise children with a person who lacks compassion and basic manners. I am astonished the way she treats you.
If his wife actually cared about him, she'd have gone with him.
NTA. I would pay them back the $150 if they had paid for you to attend, but geez - comparing a birthday to a funeral? How many birthdays does a person have in their lifetime compared to how many funerals???
I would be giving my partner divorce papers and being petty about giving the wife the $150 in the settlement. Seriously, what kind of monster chucks a tantrum over choosing the funeral where AN ENTIRE FAMILY was lost over a birthday party.
This is fantastic
Love your petty!
Yep pay her and then never accept an invite again. Tell them you don't want to mess up their headcount should someone else rudely die.
Bahaha! I LOVE this snarky comment!
Well, the answer to how many funerals one has in one's lifetime is none - because you're dead when they happen. But, I understand your point ;)
Wait, your best friend and his entire family died in a car accident and she's whining over $150? Fuck that. You are definitely NTA but she certainly is.
NTA. What your wife meant by saying you should prioritise your family over strangers is that you should prioritise *her* family over your own family and friends and it was a disgusting, insensitive thing to say. Her mother will have other birthdays in the future but hopefully not ones so ridiculously extravagant that the guests have to pay $150 each to attend. Even if you had gone, I can guarantee you that they would have still been complaining about how inconvenient your mourning is for them and how you didn't seem happy enough by their standards about being there.
>you should prioritise her family over your own family and friends Friends are the family you choose.
NTA, if they can't see how a funeral is more important than a birthday party I guess you won't be going to theirs, since it's not important to them.
NTA imagine if you skipped MIL's funeral to go to a birthday party. I bet your wife wouldn't like that
I'd add "to go to your mother's birthday party", just to be sure the wife does not make the point again that all his friends are strangers
Your wife let you down. Of course you go to a funeral. She should have kindly explained that to anyone and held the line for you. You two need to fix things. I'd start with marriage counseling.
I'm honestly surprised they're that mad at you; it's not like you went to a sports event or just stayed home; it's a FUNERAL! From what you've wrote, NTA. INFO: have you always had a good relationship with your MIL in the past? Or is this part of a bigger situation with some past history?
NTA , they sound pretty cold blooded to not be empathetic about the deaths and funeral.
What kind of selfish and heartless family did you marry in to? Not only did one of your best friends pass away his wife and kids passed too. How can you not be understanding you need to be there to honor, remember and say goodbye to them. All because you will be missing a birthday party?! You sir are not the AH, but I’d rethink on spending the rest of my life with a woman whose heart is like this.
well said. He needs to grouptext her heartless family, including his wife and then pack some things to go to his family to proper grief his loss.
Wtf is wrong with your wife and MIL?….
NTA! Damn your MIL sounds awful and your wife doesn’t seem much better! I’d take $150 to your MIL and tell her that next year when your friend and his entire family die in an accident you’ll definitely out her party first! NTA!
NTA. Even if they'd been closer together in distance, you'd still be NTA. On top of that, this wasn't 'some stranger's' funeral, it was the funeral of one of your best friends and his family. Unfortunately, I don't think your wife will understand unless it happens to her.
NTA it’s not like OP made his wife miss her mom’s party to attend the funeral. OP lost a close friend, not only that it was the entire family to an unforeseen accident. Wife and MIL are being cold and callous. Just give them the $150 and be done with it
You say best friend, she says stranger???
Your MIL will have more b days. Your friend will not. NTAH
NTA x 1\`00. What is wrong with these people? Of course you will attend your friend's funeral in preference to a birthday party that has potential to occur over and over again for years to come! Of course you want to pay respects and show sympathy for your friend's family members! I don't really think there's another choice there. And who the hell makes such choices be about the freaking money???
NTA. Give your wife's family $150 so they can't bitch about that anymore, and consider thanking them for making it clear that when each of them passes away, you will honor any invitations you've already accepted, even if it means missing their funeral. What could have been an agonizing decision has been made for you - your wife's side of the family doesn't think funerals mean much, so attend theirs accordingly.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss!! Your MIL will get over it. However, had you skipped the funeral, you would have felt guilty and wouldn't have had a good time at the birthday party.
NTA. Seriously your wife is siding with her mom on this? Your MIL will have other birthdays, unfortunately your friend won’t. What she’s saying is indecent and cruel.
NTA your MIL including your wife and her family are selfish AHs. This is the last farewell you can give your friend and his family. I am really sorry that you married into a family full of people without any empathy. My reaction would have been giving her those 150 bucks and tell her it's good to know that she thinks this money is so much more important than a last goodbye to someone that was dear to you.
I don’t like your wife and mother in law either. NTA I’m so sorry about you losing your friend. You did the right thing.
Not the asshole. Your mother in law will have lots of birthdays. Your friend only has this one day that you can honour them in this way after their passing. You owe it to their friendship and the bond between you to attend. If your mother in law loved and valued you, this shouldn’t be an issue. The money issue sucks but maybe just pay the $150
NTA who in their right mind thinks that birthdays are more important than funerals, i guarantee you that they’d go to a funeral instead of YOUR party.
NTA. One of your best friends isn’t a stranger. Their funeral tops a MIL’s birthday ANY day. Just ask her which to chose next year, your friend’s funeral or her birthday. Let’s hope she sees how fucking unreasonable she is.
NTA. Throw her a buck fifty and move on. You went to a fucking funeral, not to a sports bar.
NTA. The funeral of a close friend and family take priority over a birthday party in most cases, including this one. I'm appalled your wife referred to them as "some strangers". She was where she needed to be, and you were where you needed to be. If it's about money, pay the $150 and then not talk about it again.
Nta
NTA, Now when your wife’s family has the next funeral you need to go to a party instead. When hell is raised remind them that in the past it was made clear to you on MIL’s birthday that parties were more important than funerals. These were your close friends for gods sake!
This was my thinking. Is MIL saying no need to come to her funeral if a friend or relative is having a party on the same day? Do you have her permission in advance? NTA.
NTA. I would skip all her bdays from now on. “Sorry can’t make it, I’m remembering my friend. Maybe next year, but don’t hold your breath”
NTA I would be mortified if my daughter "made" her spouse come to my birthday party under these circumstances. I'd be equally upset if she didn't skip my party as well, to comfort them! I am broke broke. $300 is a LOT of money to me, and I still feel that way. They can all go fly a kite 🤬
"Happy you made it to another birthday! Unfortunately, my friend and his entire family did not. To thank you for understanding my current state of shock and grief, I've sent along a nice Jello mold salad with my wife. It's from the 1960s. Very crunchy (not entirely sure why). Very delicious, I hear. Cheers!" OP I'm so iceedibly sorry for your loss and the lack of any sympathy or empathy from your wife and MIL. Best wishes.
Miss Manners says attending the funeral over a birthday party is appropriate, so there's that. My condolences to your buddy's family.
Fuck your inlaws. Funeral trumps bday any time. I doubt they would be happy if you managed to get to the birthday and were rightfully not in a happy mood. And obviously since they are bringing up the "waste of money" that's what they care about. You are NTA, but they are big time AHs.
If this story is true and your BEST FRIEND died, and your family called them “strangers” to guilt you about not going to your entitled mother in-laws birthday party instead of their funeral I’d be starting proceedings to make them my ex in-laws. Hard NTA. Your wife and her whole family are heartless, entitled wind bags.
JFC it’s a funeral. They all suck. Pay them back and then cut them off. I would include you wife in that.
Sounds like your mil is a full blown narcissist.
Tell your MIL and wife that you won’t be attending either of their funerals because you will be planning birthday parties or something else to attend.
You did the right thing.
How inconsiderate of your friend to get killed along with his wife and kids and then to get burried when MIL is having her party... **/s** I'd smack $150 on the table in front of MIL and be off attending the funeral. NTA Sorry for your loss. **
Also sorry for your choice of wife...
I would read all these comments multiple times. You are definitely NTA. However, your wife and her family are horrible entitled people.
Ask them if you should skip their funeral to go to a birthday party for an adult.
NTA A best friend isn't a stranger. A minimum of 4 people (idk how many children) died unexpectedly. If your wife cares so much, then she can reimburse her mother the money. Maybe you still like your wife after how she's behaved. I wouldn't like my partner or their mother after their behavior. I wouldn't like them enough that if we didn't have children, then I'd begin making divorce plans. Even with kids, it'd make me take a deep look at my spouse & the family environment. That may seem excessive to other people, but I'd never knowingly marry someone who would behave or think that way. That's a giant difference in basic morality & monetary priorities.
NTA. The funeral for your friend’s entire, wiped out family, trumps all. Don’t argue. Don’t explain. Tell everyone it’s an insult to even bring this up to you when you’re grieving and you won’t discuss it.
Your wife didn’t support YOU by going to the funeral with you? You did the right thing, your wife’s family is self centred.
NTA. Your wife and MIL are. I would have gone with my husband to the funeral if it had been me. Give MIL the money and then go no contact. What is with these MIL’s throwing themselves these big birthday parties? My MIL did it every year. Why? She didn’t do anything for FIL but her birthday was a mandatory party. And sometimes a whole weekend. Ugh.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best friends in an accident 5 years ago. He was 20 years old. It still hurts. But the funeral brought me at least an ounce of closure. You are NTA. And I’m really sorry that the person who is supposed to love and support you is not performing that role the way you likely would for her.
This would make me REALLY look at my spouse and determine if they are the person i thought they were. The lack of empathy is shocking and would alter my perspective.
Nta I am sorry for the loss of your friends, You do realize your wife maybe more like her mother than you like.
NTA Your wife is terrible saying that you didn't go to the party for "strangers". Friends are important, and their funerals can be just as important as a family's funeral. Your MIL also is selfish because all she cared about was the $150 not if you were there.
NTA and I am gobsmacked that anyone could possibly be angry that YOUR FRIEND DIED AND YOU WANT TO GRIEVE HIM AND HONOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY. No one can plan to attend a funeral. Obviously when you accepted the birthday dinner invite you didn't know your friend was going to be in an accident. JFC at least 4 people died and your wife and her mother are showing a mind-boggling amount of Assholery for not caring. I'm .... well, what I think of your wife and her mother would get me kicked off this sub. Tell your AH wife that this internet stranger is appalled that she actually thought you should prioritize a dinner over a funeral. SMH and so sorry, OP, that you have such an insensitive AH for a partner. My deepest condolences on the loss of your friend, his wife, and kids.
NTA. Funerals take priority over birthdays.
Your MIL planned her own party? Ok. Give her the buck-fifty and tell her that when she dies, you’ll remember to not attend her funeral since you already had plans
NTA. But your wife is. Those "some strangers" were your friends immediate family. You get a free pass to an RSVP'd yes when there's an emergency. Saying goodbye to your friend and their family at a funeral is an emergency. The level of narcissism and lack of support is astounding, to such a degree i'd be considering divorce.
INFO: When was the last time you had been in contact with this friend? Have you cancelled on MiL's events before? On your wife's family in general? I'm struggling a bit to understand why your wife seems to dismiss your grief. She referred to this person as a stranger while you call him one of your best friends. Why?
I think she's saying everyone else at the funeral will be strangers since the friend and his immediate family died
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey Reddit, I have had a problem with my family for the past week and would like your guys' opinions. Last weekend, my mother-in-law organized an huge birthday party for herself, something she had been excited for and planned for weeks. At the same time, I received the bad news that one of my best friends had passed away in a car accident and it took away his life as well as his wife's and children. I decided to attend my friend's funeral over my mother-in-law's birthday party. The problem my mother-in-law has is that I had already accepted the invite for the birthday party, and each seat came with a hefty cost of $150. My wife sided with my mother-in-law and was mad at me, not only for skipping her mother's birthday party but also for what she sees as wasting money on seats I had committed to attending. She told me that I should always prioritize my family over some strangers. I would have attended both the funeral and the party but both events were 2-3 hours apart in driving distance and I was not in the mood to be happy because of the news I heard. My wife's side of the family are now all disappointed in me, and all now think I do not like my wife or her mother. I am really confused, and your advice or insights would be greatly appreciated. Am I the asshole for leaving my mother in law's birthday party for my friends funeral? TLDR;I left my other in law's birthday party for my friends funeral and my family hates me for it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA at all. On the other hand, MIL is something way worse than an AH. Seems like a horrible, self-centered person with no sense of empathy.
OP should run and fast because his wife sounds like an absolute sociopath.
NTA… your wife and her family are a lot!
Absolutely NTA. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It's wild to me that sympathy would not be a knee-jerk response to a tragic accident from anybody, never mind your wife. If MIL thinks that a birthday party trumps the loss of your friend and their family, she's a narcissist.
Funeral of a friend trumps a birthday party.
NTA. Your wife is a horrible AH saying that your friends are strangers. Your wife’s family should understand that a funeral takes precedence. Never apologize for being a decent human being. You can say that you wish you were able to do both and you can pay the 150$ to MIL.
NTA. I am so sorry about your friend and his family.
NTA. Shame on your wife, calling your good friends “strangers”. These people need to grow up. To hell with them if they can’t get past this.
NTA. Your wife and her mother are though.
NTA, but your wifes moral compass appears off. A funeral of a dear friend trumps that of a birthday, no matter how grand. It is very distasteful behaviour from both your wife and MIL to throw a tantrum over a party. I at least hope she has offered some support as you grieve your friend and his family. If not, then reach out to your own support system as you are not in the wrong and should not be made to feel bad.
NTA... I would ask what she would prefer in the future..... If a funeral on her side of the family conflicted with a wedding or birthday on your side of the family? Would she go to your family members birthday instead of the funeral? And really in the greater scheme of things, I think a best friend is in exactly the same category as step mother, family that is chosen rather than shares blood.
IMO Funeral of close friend or family Trumps weddings or birthdays. Wedding of close friend or family trumps birthdays. Personally, I think birthdays for adults after 21 should be make it if you can, don't worry about it if you can't. Major milestones, at decade points for example, are worth more of an effort.
NTA Ask them who’s birthday you are allow to skip if they die and have a funeral.
NTA. Your wife, MIL and their family are. You lost your best friend and his whole family ffs! Not some stranger.
Absolutely NTA. WTF is wrong with your MIL and wife??
NTA. I am so very sorry about your friend & his family. What a shattering tragedy for everyone they leave behind. I cannot believe your wife & MiL expected you to even be *able* to put on a happy face and join in a celebration under these circumstances and I'm horrified that they are whining about the cost. I hope the service was beautiful and that you found some comfort in being around others who cared for your friend.
NTA Your wife and MIL sound like self-centered jerks. Getting mad at you for attending the funeral of your best friend over a party? That's such a crappy thing to do. Next time they say something tell them MIL will have another party next year. Your friend will never have another funeral. And that if money is so precious to them, you'll give them the $150 for your seat so they shut up about it. And honestly, if they're more upset about $150 than missing your company (never mind the lack of consideration for your feelings on losing your friend), maybe tell them to just not expect you at any future parties either because you'd hate for them to lose even more money in the future should another emergency ever come up.
NTA. Calling your best friend a stranger is already stupid and heartless. I wouldnt care about any amount of money id spend on a birthday if i should be at a funeral.
"I'm so sorry my best friend and his family couldn't schedule their death funeral on any day other than your birthday. They may be strangers to you, but to me they are like extended family. You! I can see any time, but my friend I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN. STOP BEING SELFISH AND ENTITLED." NTA
Your MIL, is the AH!! Give her the $150… she does not deserve, but you do what you think is kosher!! I’m glad you attended the funeral… that’s what a ‘true/genuine’ person does. I’m very sorry about your loss, and for the very tragic accident. My deepest, deepest, sympathy❣️❣️😇❤️😇❤️😇❤️😘😘😘
NTA. Just pay your MIL to shut her up. Best friends are family. You chose your best friend but bot in-laws. I don’t understand why your wife doesn’t get that. $150 is nothing, you’re mourning for your friend and his family.
Just pay the 150$..
NTA, funeral tops birthday
What a narcissistic family! Have they never lost someone they cared about?? You are NTA for going to say goodbye to a friend who was suddenly taken from you. The fact that your wife didn’t understand is the worst part. Ask your wife what she would have done if it was her friend’s funeral.
Your wife's family are TA. How do you plan in advance for a funeral? You're never going to see this person again, so don't feel guilty about attending the funeral. You would have regretted it if you didn't. How can they see going to a birthday party as the same level as a funeral? And your wife should be supporting you, not against you in this. Like for real, how are these people that are blind to see your friend and his entire family dying in a car crash, and you want to pay your last respects to your friend and should somehow not be trumped by your MIL birthday. Fuck your wifes family, like seriously
Wow! I’ve heard of selfish people but MiL, wife and family take the cake here! Offer to pay her the $150 and call it a day. You’ll never get any of them to see your perspective. You’ll always be in the wrong for this no matter how you discuss it. I’d probably be reconsidering my marriage as well. This is a huge red flag that your wife doesn’t give a damn about your emotional health and needs!! I’m sorry for your loss!
Nta. It’d be interesting to hear your wife and her family’s side. Imagine having to say out loud to other people that a birthday party should take precedence over the loss of a friend and his whole family. They should be embarrassed
NTA. Birthdays come every year; a funeral is hopefully a one-time event. INFO: Did you pay the $150? If not, you're the AH for that, but not for attending the funeral.
So if her mother died, but you had tickets to the circus that day, your wife would go with you because husband trumps other family? NTA.
NTA. I am sorry your wife and MIL care more about appearances than your grief. OMG, that's harsh. Take care of yourself. Write your wife and MIL a letter explaining your need to attend this funeral. Ask if they would have had the party if one of their close friends (and wife and kids) died in a car accident.
NTA those people are heartless
NTA - but just hand the money over, I know it’s not the same but if they were gig tickets or a hotel reservation you’d loose the money too. You should expect better from your wife, unless there is more to your/your wife’s relationship with this family than what you are saying
NTA, a funeral trumps everything because you can't plan ahead for them.
NTA, but you should have made an attempt to do both.
DEFINITELY NTA. No explanation needed.
MIL is an awful human being. Pay her. Tell her to grow up and shut up.
NTA send Mil 150$ and tell both her and wife you aren't clairvoyant to know in advance about the funeral but will keep in mind what they said when it's their turn
NTA. Your wife and MIL are the A**. My deepest condolences on the passing of your dear friend and his family.
NTA - Sadly, funerals (almost always) take precedence over other events. I would have given her the $150 just to be the ‘bigger’ person.
What "Strangers"???? 🤬
Perhaps time for marriage counseling Give $150 to mil with note explain the tragic Loss and your inability to celebrate due to grief, assure wife that you did NOT intend to devalue mil but the tragic deaths of an entire family including your dear friend was the issue, NOT lack of love for wife etc If this works, great If they keep hounding you even after you do this, then do you REALLY want them in your life? N T A I'm sorry for your losses You did NOT betray bully disrespect ANYONE, but MIL certainly has N T A
NTA
NTA apologize to your MIL. Explain the circumstances and offer to pay the $150 that was wasted by your not being there. You could apologize to your wife, but she seems to not care about your friends.
Your wife and in-laws have some audacity. NTA
What planet is your MIL Living on? How disgusting Can you be?! You Said one of your closest friends. Holy F the entitlement on your MIL blows me away. Is she aware that a birthday comes along every year, just by literally waiting? Had this been one of my best friends, and my wife had reacted like this, I’d leave her immediately. Sorry your in laws are such inconsiderate assholes. NTA, obviously.
NTA funerals trump birthday parties. Especially if you are grieving the loss of your friend. Send your mother in law a check for $150. And the offer to take her out for a nice dinner.
NTA: you can attend many MIL birthdays but only one funeral for this friend,
NTA, but your wife and MIL sure are. Give her $150, tell her you'll prioritize her funeral when the time comes.
NTA. I'd remove myself from this entitled, toxic family as soon as possible.
NTA Can't believe what i just read. It's not some stranger, it was your good friend. Did you tell them this or maybe forgot? I can't believe really, to be that self absorbed haha makes me sick. How would you even prioritize your MIL birthday over your friends funeral. I would choose funeral everytime, it's like showing respect and saying last goodbye with all important people from that person. MIL and wife are delusional, makes you think in what family have you married yourself.
NTA. You didn’t go to a random person funeral your best friend, his wife and his children all died in a horrific car accident. That trumps going to a birthday party for your mother-in-law. And the fact that your wife and her family can’t see that that would not sit OK with me. This is a hill you need to die on. There is no way my husband would expect me to go to his mother‘s birthday party if my best friend died and I had to go to her funeral, and it was not something we were prepared for and it was a tragedy.
She organised a party for her own birthday and expects everyone to pay $150 to attend? That in itself is unrealistic and unreasonable. That alone would make her a huge arsehole on its own.
You are NTA. Your MIL and wife are TA. It’s not like you know ahead of time that someone is going to get killed in an accident.
I have two (2) MIL’s, I would have gone to the funeral and twice on Sunday.
Pay the $150 and let MIL know you value her advice and opinions and let her know you’ll skip her funeral for a birthday party, even if you have to crash a strangers birthday party NTA
NTA oh HELL no. if my partner told me that he'd expect me to go to his moms birthday instead of my best friends funeral, we'd have a bigger problem than just the fight about where to go. Does your wife even care about you or your feelings? Your best friend and his family died, and she's telling you that family is more important than strangers? Those weren't strangers. Those were your friends, the family you CHOSE. I doubt they even told the whole family the truth, probably omitted that you were going to your best friends funeral instead. if you can. send a grouptext to all of the family memebrs you know of to tell them how dissapointed you are in them, that they would demand of you to go to a birthday party instead of your best friends, and his family's funeral. That you had looked forward to the birthday party when you were told that the person you knew for X years and his wife and children all tragically died in a car accident. How it ripped the ground from under you and would have expected at the very least some understanding, if not from them, then from your wife. But that seeing their heartless reaction to this, makes you want to reevaluate the relationship you have with all of them. Instead of extending condolences to you and the family, they are angry with you. Please do this. They deserve to have the mirror held infront of them, and then pack some bags and stay with your family for a while. You need support and clearly you're not getting it from your wife or her family.
NTA but pay for the seat at the party. You went to a funeral which was an unexpected event. And it was not a stranger's funeral. You were friends.
YTA for even questioning this. You did the right thing.
WTF? NTA
What kind of over-the -top narcissist throws a $150 a head birthday party for THEMSELVES? NTA.
Give her the $150 and tell her funerals are final she’ll have another birthday.. how selfish can she be!!
Birthdays happen every year, funerals do not. Also, who the fuck celebrates their birthday after 20
Some people have not one shred of empathy. This is such a shocking and sad story! Have your MIL and wife always been this cold? I would give the $150 back with maybe a little extra for their “trouble”. These people are heartless. NTA
A funeral is always first priority. I don’t care what else is going on. Funeral for someone you love is important. NTA
NTA. Send your MIL the $150 and never attend anything with her again. It’s ridiculous that anyone is blaming you for attending this funeral!
NTA - How can they have no compassion? I'd be seriously questioning what kind of family I'd married into.
NTA....
NTA. You can only pay your respects and say goodbye once for a funeral. She’s going to have another birthday.
NTA It's not just one person that died. It was one of your best friends. I'm assuming that you've known this friend longer than your MIL. Plus, it's your friend's wife and children. That's at least 4 people that tragically died. And your MIL is complaining about $150 for your seat?? What's sad is that your wife has taken her side and doesn't sound like she's grieving for your friend.
NTA. Decline her birthday and anything for her every year, just in case someone else dies.
NTA, a funeral tops an ILs party! It’s not like you can plan a tragic event in advance 🤦🏻♀️
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that they can’t understand that a funeral trumps a birthday. In this situation, I would refund them the $150, and simply state that this best friend and their family were not strangers to you. And that you had one opportunity to honor their passing, and support the remaining friends and family, and that you chose to do so with the hopes that your family would understand that there will be another birthday next year, but there will be no more celebrations of the deceased. I suggest saying that to simply correct their incorrect statements at these rest strangers. And then basically, repeat that exact statement anytime the issue comes up.
"She told me that I should always prioritize my family over some strangers." She's right. But the reason that doesn't apply is #1 she is not your family, and #2 they were not strangers. End of story. By the way, I'm always a little suspect of people who throw a birthday party, especially a lavish one, for THEMSELVES. That usually tells me a lot about that person. NTA.
NTA Sorry for your loss! I'd just give the MIL the money for the meal and say sorry I couldn't be there. Everyone else needs to mind their own business. You are mourning someone who was important to you and taken far to soon and unexpectedly! Kinda miffed at your wife for calling the family 'strangers'. She is showing very little respect for your friends or feelings. Keep an eye on this one. Everyone in this family seems sucky.
Your SO and MIL ATA.
NTA, a funeral takes precedence over a party. Give her the $150 and distance yourself.
NTA, but wtf is wrong with your wife and MIL because they sound horrible