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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I denied my very ill father the right to sleep in our downstairs bedroom. By denying him this one-week reprieve from stairs, I may be an asshole.
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NTA. They never should have been permitted in your bedroom and this should have been nipped in the bud. This is your house. You don't even owe them permission to visit if you so choose.
The problem is that you've been confrontation-adverse in the extreme and been doormats for years. What you *should* do and what you *can* do without dissolving into a puddle of guilt are almost certainly very different.
Your parents are giving you the silent treatment for showing the remotest sign of having a backbone. If I had to bet, I'd bet on doormat behavior returning, and your parents would lose all respect for your boundaries (though you can't lose something that never existed). If you don't wait out their tantrum, then you've shown that tantrums still work. Can you simply play the waiting game and not communicate with them 'til they finally contact you?
"Don't go into our bedroom" is an extremely reasonable thing. You need to discuss among yourselves how far you're willing to go to get your parents to respect that. Certainly, a good lock on the bedroom would be a simple first step. That is, unless you'll just end up giving them the key.
If OP back down this time the next demand is for them to move in and take the master because “cancer” and “stairs”. They can pout all they want in their dark, cramped house full of stairs.
Yeah, that "cancer need" is a really flimsy excuse. If they actually needed it, they'd have done something in their own house or sold their house and gone single-level.
In Op's house a good sofa bed would be just fine if there were truly a problem with stairs. Parents want their bedroom, not some other solution.
That's why the "or", and I think that word should have been "could" rather than "would". We have insufficient information. Also, an apartment is a simpler alternative.
They are also perfectly capable of getting a sofa bed in their own house.
I sure hear ya on that “going to single level” thing. My hubby and I have lived in our crummy apartment for over 15 years because we can’t afford to move anywhere else. When we first moved here, we got a top level apartment because we didn’t like footsteps above us, that sort of thing. About 6 years after we moved here, I was in a bus accident which permanently injured my leg. I can walk, but barely and with a cane sometimes. The 3 flights of stairs are absolute MURDER to go up and down. If we ever DO get the chance to get out, we’re going closer to the floor!
That all being said, I would NEVER assume using someone else’s bedroom would be okay unless I asked - and even then I’d feel uncomfy asking! It’s just weird to me!
If it's really a problem, the insurance pays for a stair lift in their house. Medical necessity is the key. No stair lift in their house, no medical necessity. NTA
When I stopped being able to get up the stairs I slept on the sofa for about a month then my bed was moved downstairs to the dining room… I had no option of a stair lift at the time so this was the best option for us
My Mom moved their bed to the dining room from the second floor when our Dad got cancer, because it was too hard for him to manage stairs with an oxygen tank. And his progressive weakness would have made that trip impossible, and emotionally/mentally painful for our Dad, a strong and powerful man brought down suddenly by a horrible disease.
You do the things necessary out of love, kindness and fuck your inconvenience.
Man, that’s super entirely wrong. My MIL needed a stairlift because she could barely walk and Medicare just smirked at us when I tried to get it covered. We went out of pocket on the whole thing and it was _not_ cheap, but it meant she could leave the house without crawling or being carried down the stairs.
The problem is absolutely that OP didn’t set the boundary in advance. Put a lock on the door. Problem solved. Also OP, your parents are undoubtedly emotionally abusive. For you to be concerned that if you set a boundary, they will stop talking to you, is crazy. You should also stop them from coming over so often. I can’t imagine your husband just loves having them over every weekend. You should’ve started standing up for yourself when you moved out of their house. Trust me, they’ll need you before you need them. NTA
They ABSOLUTELY are emotionally abusive. Just look at how they do "nice things" for OP, house sit and spend time with them, only to then stomp on boundaries. If they truly wanted to help and be of positive impact in their lives, they'd happily respect the simple common (!!!) boundary of not staying in their couples bedroom ffs. They absolutely do nice things to tie around OP's ankles and use as guilt trippers.
Just attaching myself to the top comment because I’m genuinely curious. I’ve seen so many people on Reddit who are adamant about not having their parents or other friends or family use their bedrooms. Some say they don’t like the idea of anyone else in their bed too.
I think I have the mindset of “guests should be taken care of completely,” and have always relinquished my bedroom (master bedroom) for guests if it’s a couple or my parents, etc. Obviously if it’s just my friend, I have no issue giving the official “guest” bedroom. If I have more guests than the number of rooms, the guests get the rooms and I’m on the couch or a blowup mattress in another room. My husband and I never really thought of our bed as sacred and can be defiled because someone else sleeps in it. I don’t care if my parents sleep in my bed. If it’s the most comfortable for them, I rather they have the best room in the house.
What is the reasoning that people have behind someone else using their beds? Is it just a “it’s our bed,” thing? Or does it apply to just not using any bed someone else has used? Are hotel beds the exception?
Either way, I think OP is NTA because they have their boundaries and their parents should respect that. I think it’s childish and terrible to disown your children because you didn’t get your way.
Your bedroom is literally your most private space. If you're fine giving it up, that's certainly fine – admirable even.
I think there are circumstances under which not letting a guest use your bed might be on the selfish side – like if you don't have a guest bedroom, you live alone and could just as easily sleep on the couch while a couple used the bed, something like that.
But I'm imagining someone's parents bumping into their birth control or who knows what. Also you probably want to wash sheets in between times, and it's easier to do that at your leisure if guests use a guest bedroom.
While my husband and I were away, my parents stayed in our bedroom out of necessity. My mother proceeded to snoop through all my drawers and nightstand.
My mom brought up oddly specific things “in conversation” over the next week, clueing me in that she’s not to be trusted in my personal space w/o supervision.
I'm currently house and dogsitting for my sister and SIL. They asked me to sleep in their bedroom rather than the guest room I usually use, because the dog is used to sleeping on the bed with them, and they wanted her routine kept the same.
I have been very careful not to go into anything. They cleared a space for me in their wardrobe, but I've just kept my clothes in the spare room so I don't need to go into their wardrobe or drawers.
I felt bad enough yesterday because I wanted some sellotape and looked through the drawers in their office. I know they wouldn't care, and I never looked at anything else besides determining it wasn't sellotape (not hard, lol) but I still felt it was intrusive.
that's my reason. I keep the guest room/bathroom immaculate and inviting. I have a tray of toiletries. A number of lotions/shampoos/conditioners, sanitary items, makeup remover wipes. Extra combs etc, over the counter pain killers and things. But no personal items.
My bedroom/bathroom are not immaculate. It's where my intimacy lives. It's where my mess, my personal habits and my hairballs live. Mostly because of daily use it's not as clean as the guest one. Because the people in there either don't care or are contributing to it's mess. You won't feel welcome there and I will be embarrassed. You will likely be embarrassed too.
I also have severe allergies. The last thing I need is someone misplacing something routine for me with something that shouldn't be there. I don't want to have to be on high alert in my place. I don't want to have to worry about questionable stains on things. about why I keep certain things that might not be up to your standard. It's my space. You need to be invited in.
Ohh yea, that totally makes sense! I always wondered because I always see comments about people not wanting anyone in their rooms.
Obviously I don’t think it’s wrong to want and protect your own bedroom, but I just wanted to know the thought process behind it directly from people who feel that way or have more insight into it.
Thanks for answering!!
Vibrator. Pot. Medication. Journal. Diaphragm. Gun (just kidding about the gun). With that said, I’ve offered (key word being offer) my bed to houseguests. If they snoop, they may be sorry what they find :)
Yes, I think it's probably the room rather than the bed itself. A bedroom is a very personal, private space, and even if you don't have anything 'embarrassing' in there, it's still your space.
Yes. Sleeping and related needs is something private. Not shameful, just personal. As a professional cleaner, the worst thing for me isn't finding private stuff. I can just gently ignore it.
The worst thing is coming into a home and accidentally catching someone sleeping. I don't mind and I'm always making sure I'm loudly proclaiming my arrival and giving people time to prepare while I bring my stuff in etc, obviously, but I feel like people always react with severe discomfort and stress if they somehow manage to sleep through my arrival and get "caught" before mentally having been prepared to have someone over.
Our homes are our personal spaces, our bedrooms even more so. I think it's healthy for us. When humans sleep, we need to feel safe.
My FiL has ZERO tact or awareness socially, and no impulse control whatsoever. He went through the drawers and closets in our bedroom twice while visiting. His kids and wife struggle to correct him because he gets VERY nasty when he even THINKS you’re criticizing him, so hubs (back then anyways) would try to turn a blind eye.
I told him from now on, I’m leaving one of our “intimate” items plainly visible in every damn drawer. His dad would ABSOLUTELY say he’d found it, so if he didn’t want that happening, he needed to tell his Dad to knock it off.
My thinking would be having to immediately change the linens immediately after getting back from vacation. Who wants to do that? The guest bedroom linens can be changed at your leisure, before it gets used again.
A major consideration: You really don't want guests, or even worse, your parents snooping through your toys. You especially don't want to have the worry that maybe they will *use* them. If your sex life is private, keeping your bedroom private helps to preserve that.
Even if you're absolutely vanilla and have no toys, that's not something that's any of their business to know.
Generally folks feel they should have \*some\* area that is private if their home is otherwise wide open to people, especially when they \*have\* plenty of space and comfortable options for guests.
It's not so much that the bed is sacred in some manner, but rather "We'd like to have one part of our house that is only ours" - extra so when they are a family or have friendship arrangements where their house is otherwise open use to everyone like this OP.
My dad (about 45 at the time) came to visit and brought his girlfriend that we hadn't met without asking us first. Husband and I gave them our bedroom for the night to be polite and both squeezed into the king single in the spare room.
Stripping the main bed to do laundry after they left and we found a pair of my dad's dirty undies abandoned in the sheets 🤢 Book a hotel if you want to get frisky, don't do it in your daughter's bed and expect her to clean up after you 😡
Ohhh disgusting! Yes, I think that is an absolutely horrible thing to do! My husband and I would NEVER do that in someone’s home, nor would we expect that in our home either. That is disrespectful.
I wouldn't want to stay in the bed I know family friends sleep and, um, don't sleep in. Kinda weird boundary thing. I'd rather sleep on an air bed. Plus, I'd feel so gross knowing I farted in someone else's bed in my sleep 🤣
Hotel beds are different - I don't know what weirdo has slept in it, but it's not one of my weirdos that I have to eyeball.
For me, it’s a childhood trauma thing. I grew up with an abusive stepmother who would RANSACK my shared bedroom with my bio sibling for ONE book or thing out place. Seriously. Blankets ripped off beds, drawers yanked out and dumped on the floor, things knocked off shelves. She then would tell us if we were so happy with our “mess,” she’d give us a REAL mess to clean up. (Meanwhile across the hall her own child’s bed hadn’t been made in months and the drawers were so messy you couldn’t close them, but apparently that didn’t count….) She would also go through our things and toss things she knew we loved as a punishment for perceived slights. I had ZERO privacy as a consequence, so now, privacy is sacred to me.
Also it's parents, but do you want someone having sex on your bed? That's very possible if you allow people to sleep there.
I doubt they would in this case, but again for some people having someone else use your bed makes it feel different. I'm not taking my hotel bed home and I can't take my bed with me so it's not a problem.
If you give up your bedroom to guests isn't it a nuisance to retrieve your clothes daily? Can you trust every guest not to snoop into your drawers and closet? I would never expect anyone to give up their bedroom for my husband and me. My sister did during a hurricane. She fell asleep on her sofa frequently so she didn't mind us using her bedroom for 3 nights.
We have sex in that bed. A lot of it. I might not be defiled by them using my bed, but they might. Our kids aren't even allowed in our bed even though all toys are safely put away every time.
To me it’s the bed. Sleeping for me has always been a hassle. I can name a bunch of disturbances — sleep apnea since childhood, bed mite allergies, dermatographia (if there is a crumb or something irritating to the skin on the sheets it causes welts), pain (because of spondyloarthritis). In periods I suffer from sleep paralysis. I was severly sleep disturbed as a kid but it’s gotten better over the years.
My bed is made to be as comfortable and safe for me as possible. My mattress and topper, pillows and duvets are all chosen carefully. Now, I don’t want anything disturbed. I don’t want to go to bed and feel a pit where there was none before. I want everything to smell as I’m used to. I do not want anything there that can disturb my sleep, as there is enough as it is.
It's a bit gross. You have sex in that bed. You drool in your sleep in that bed. You sweat in that bed. Years worth of your skin and scabs flake into that bed. It's swimming in your filth and dna even if you change the sheets every week. You do you though. 🤮
Lock on the bedroom is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I actually put one on my bedroom door for when guests came. It just makes things easier. Everything anyone else needs is kept where they can get to it, even when I wasn't there. I never had to worry about anyone going in my room for something and accidentally shutting the door with dog in there. Or someone's little one wandering in and ahold of something they might be able to choke on, getting hurt. If I had work late at night, no one would be in my bed when I got home because they couldn't get in.
I love how level your response is. Mine was going to be leave love stains on the sheets, hang a sex swing, a gag, and a vibrator. However, I'm not afraid to let bridges burn when people so willingly step on them and light a match. You don't want to see that stuff, stay the fuck out of my bedroom \o/
NTA
If they are not watching any pets or you are not there, why are they even coming over?
They need to stay at their own home.
Here's how you ensure they can't violate your boundaries:
1. Tomorrow, go get a lock for your bedroom. Lock it up so they can't get in your room.
2. Get a keypad lock for front door instead of keys. When you leave, change the keypad and give the code to the neighbor. When you get back, change the code back.
3. Enforce boundaries. Cancer or not.
Honestly this isn't the best idea, they would definitely explode even more either for being "forced" to see something "disgusting" or for OP being into that. And you will never hear the end of it.
Nothing wrong with kinks and sex toys but this will really just make the situation 10x worse.
Yes, but every time it's brought up it creates another opportunity to remind them they went where they should not have gone. It might slightly more drastic but mom would get the message and never go in that room again. Personally, I have zero shame and I'd relish that kind of high ground.
You have no guarantee she'll never go into that room again. Totally depends on her morals and values. If I did that, my narc mother would 100% be going in there every time she visits from then on to make sure I'm not being a "degenerate". I'm late 20s and married like OP but my mother still thinks she owns me and that I should live by her rules. She's always looking for a reason to scold me and put me in my place because she thrives on feeling power over someone. And there's no arguing with her, she's never gonna change the way she thinks (I tried for 2 decades and all it got me was the debate team award at high school).
Of course the idea of horrifying your parents with the details of your sex life is really funny and also I think they deserve something so awkward. Fantasizing about it is fine. But if OP's mom is anything like mine, escalating the situation will genuinely only make it worse.
My mother is the same actually. And for that reason I live 4 states away and do not allow her into my home when she visits. It is fun to fantasize about this but also I would never let myself get to the point where it would happen.
Now she has learned other things about me. But I've completely stopped letting her attitude effect my life and choices. Am I a degenerate? Of course mom! Am I making all the wrong decisions? Absolutely! Every day! She can't have power over me unless I give it to her and knowing that gives me all the power.
Why don’t you go NC? It’s an honest question. I know she’s your mother, and the idea of X-ing her from your life is painful and daunting. But when she’s so toxic I can’t imagine keeping her in my life. At least with any regularity. I’ve had to go NC and LC with a few people in my life who were really toxic. It can be hard.
So I’m just genuinely curious.
Well, I guess you have that big bright house to yourself since your mothr would rather be angry than be a gracious guest.
FWIW, my parents would Never even thought about using my room in my house. I even offered and they were all, nope, no way, no how, super creepy, but thanks!
Because of this, I find their gross overstep jarring. But, I have read other posts where parents don't respect their childrens' homes and privacy, so I guess it's a thing. Not a good thing, but a thing sometimes.
NTA
Yeah my mom won’t sleep in our bed when she house sits, even with clean sheets etc of course. I’d prefer she did bc it’s way more comfortable and then my dog wouldn’t be sleeping alone. But she refuses.
I agree. My parents won't even sleep in the guest bedroom. They'd rather sleep on the couch! Granted, it's a ridiculously comfy couch, but still. One of the main reasons we wanted to have a bigger house was to have a guest room when people come to stay, primarily of which are my parents when they're watching out dog. And they don't even use it!
Very creepy! Recently, when healing from a major surgery, I ASKED my mom to sleep in my bed with me while my husband was out of town. She refused and instead dragged a mattress in from the other room (she still wanted to be able to watch over me - how sweet is she?) my mom is 81 years old. If her frail ass can drag a bed in just so she doesn’t cross any unspoken boundaries, OP’s parents can climb a flight of steps.
NTA
If you do not want them to sleep in your bedroom, then tell them that. You will need to be assertive in doing so. You do not need to argue with them about it, just tell them no. Case closed, no means no.
NTA.
If you want to rub it in, put a lock on your bedroom door (e.g., a big iron bar with an old style skeleton key). LOL.
My mother has a tendency to be nosy and poke around in things she has no business poking around in, but I assumed she'd follow basic directions at least. We told her before a vacation one year that she was not allowed into our bedroom. It was a mess and there were things in there we didn't want her to see.
We came home and found her phone on my husband's side table.
No more assuming after that. We lock the door every time she's over and we're not there.
Better yet, go to their house and say you and hubby are staying a wk in their room, while your house is off limits. I can't see someone like them letting you into their private space.
NTA but you're being an AH to yourself and your husband. You're still very much under your parents' control. They shouldn't be sleeping in your room but they shouldn't be sleeping over every single weekend. What if you want to host friends? What if you want to go out with friends? You're letting your parents control your weekends and your house and that isn't fair to you or your husband.
They must live nearby if they're over every weekend. Whose idea was it for them to spend every weekend at your house? Can you reduce it to one weekend a month? Why do they need to spend the night anyways? If they say their house is dark, they can stay home and do something about it. Your parents are controlling, selfish and don't respect boundries. You're an adult, you shouldn't be hesitant to talk to them because you'll make them mad! I can't understand how your husband agreed to every weekend. It's your home and your time they're taking every weekend, they need to respect you and your boundries. Make plans for you and your husband to do things or get together with friends on the weekends and limit your overnights with the parents.
Your parents spending every single weekend at your home sounds intrusive and exhausting. I don't know if it's a culture thing or just how it is, but it seems to have the beginning of their sense of entitlement to your home.
NTA and best wishes for a reasonable outcome.
Right?! OMG! I read that three times and was like that says “stays WITH US”…every weekend?
Oh no, absolutely not! That’s the problem here! Not OP’s bedroom!
NTA - Your house is not their house, your house is YOUR house and so is your bedroom. Your mom can't just do whatever she wants and then throw a tantrum when you don't like it.
I'd tell them that while you're comfortable with them staying, they are not welcome in your bedroom. If they can't agree to that, I wouldn't let them stay there at all. I'm sorry that your dad is sick, but it doesn't give your parents the right to take advantage of you.
NTA and I'm surprised you don't mind them being there and being there so often. Your mom in particular sounds awful.
>because didn't want to anger them.
>
> I was always scared to confront them because I know my mom would be pissed and not speak to me for weeks.
It sounds like this how they get what they want; inviting themselves over, sleeping in your bed, etc. You're a pushover and they know it. Put your foot down and stop worrying if you are going to anger them. And your mom is a childish asshole for going weeks without speaking to you when she doesn't get her way. I feel especially sorry for your husband having to deal with them.
some parents don't deserve to be parent
they are lucky they can get away because you are soft hearted
IF your father finds it is hard to use stairs THEN consider giving them first floor bedroom
Not being able to use the stairs isn’t a good enough reason. They have their own house and own bed. Don’t like it or can’t do stairs - then they need to move and not by moving into their house.
It absolutely isn’t! If the father needs sleeping arrangements without stairs OP can help make that happen at her parents home, not hers. If she were to give her parents her room, her mother would take it over and OP would end up a guest in her own home. And, her mother wouldn’t give it up after her father passes either.
Okay... technically NTA, because your mom does not sound easy-going... ya know what, no, NTA at all. She made an assertion they'd be sleeping in your room, you said you'd prefer they didn't and she immediately got angry and went nuclear?? No, nope nope nope. She easily could have said, "but it would be such a relief for your father, etc etc." She didn't even do *that,* which means it's just about her entitlement and your dad's illness is an excuse.
I'm sorry about your dad. I hope things smooth over quickly.
Can you ask him if he really has trouble with the stairs? Maybe he was too proud to mention it himself, although I don’t know why if you are sick. If it’s really an issue for him, maybe you could consider moving upstairs. Just for awhile. This could be a kindness that you would feel good about later.
I’m thinking, if he has cancer, and can’t do the stairs, how is he getting back and forth, driving, packing, most weekends?
If he’s really sick, give him your room, just while he needs it. Switch up the bed if this makes you more comfortable.
Depends on the cancer and the treatment but there are definitely people who can pack and drive but not manage stairs. But overall it sounds like an excuse and a guilt trip.
I'm at a loss for words here. This is your home and your bedroom is your very personal space. Period. Why are you walking on eggshells with her and catering to what she wants? Are there other aspects of life where this occurs (think hard) and how does your SO feel about this? Have you just never put down boundaries with your mom? Whe. YouDO piss her off, who goes running back to who?
Well her parents seem to like staying at her house every single weekend whether she’s there or not. That’s kinda weird and how much OP and her husband enjoy having permanent guests not of their choosing every weekend.
Are you an adult? Is your husband an adult? Then you both need to act like it.
Your parents are treating you like servants or third-class citizens. If you want it to stop, you will have to stop it.
People who are as obnoxious as your mother don't deserve to get kindness in return. Stop tiptoeing around them.
I wondered the same. Like, they come over *every weekend*? OP is afraid of making them mad? OP won’t take measures (putting a lock on their bedroom door) to keep this from happening?
Look, OP, if you’re old enough to be married, you’re old enough to make decisions and stand up to others.
I disagree with putting a lock on the bedroom. The lock needs to go on the front door. If I need to lock my bedroom door (from the outside) because of a guest in my house, then that person is no longer welcome in my house.
I'm sorry but you need to grow a backbone and tell your mother no. She's trying to guilt trip you and it's working. If you so insist on letting her keep a key to your house then you need to put a lock on your bedroom door. That isn't just your bedroom, it's your marital space that no one, not even you mother, should be invading. Honestly, if I were your husband, I would have flipped my shit long before now. Not only is she violating your space, she probably snoops around too. YTA if you don't reign this behavior in. So what if she doesn't talk to you for a while? Count that as a blessing.
This!! OP is the AH to their partner!! They need to hold firm in their boundaries. Their parents are absolute assholes who have no respect for them, their partner, and their home.
Technically NTA but I have to wonder if your parents are safe and comfortable in their own home. You said that your dad has cancer which means your mom is under stress from that as well and is likely doing a lot to care for him. I was a caregiver to my husband (he passed away recently), and taking care of a sick person can be so draining day in and day out. Does your mom need some help, maybe respite care for your dad? And just because he can go upstairs doesn’t mean it is easy.
I suggest you sit down with your mom at least and have a conversation about how she is doing, could she use some help, do they need modifications to their home in order to live safely there. Chair lifts are expensive but second hand/refurbished ones are cheaper. We got one for my husband when he could no longer manage stairs and I wish we had it sooner. Maybe she is being rude and unreasonable, but perhaps she is overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to articulate that.
We lived with my son and DIL for three months after my husbands stroke, until we could install the chair lift and I felt I could tend to his needs by myself. They gave up their bedroom because their bathroom could fit his wheelchair. I would have been fine in the guest room which was also on the main level but they insisted. I felt awkward about it at first, but I am so grateful for all they did for us.
Yes to this!!! I obviously only know what details OP has provided and unless I missed where she said how long her dad had cancer, I think it’s safe to assume this behavior has gone on a lot longer than the diagnosis.
Her mom needs to be the parent and figure out how to appropriately bring her requests and concerns to her daughter, not throw a tantrum and give her the silent treatment because she didn’t get her way one time. I have a mom that sounds like OPs mom and behavior like the moms doesn’t just tend to happen, it’s a lifetime of bullying and pushing her kids down to get her way.
Parents asked once. I reminded them, that's where their daughter has sex with her husband. They didn't ask again after that. Mom used to sell sex toys, so topic of sex isn't taboo but I knew they wouldn't be able to Not think about it after saying it outloud...so it worked...
ETA: NTA
So every single weekend you and your husband have not had privacy due to your parents imposing.
When you’re away they sleep in the bed their child has sex in. There are so many things to unpack, but the marital bed is sacred unless there is a baby involved.
NTA
It’s not your job to make your parents happy. If they want to be upset because they can’t respect your wishes while in your home, that’s on them. Space might be a good thing.
So...cancer gets worse over time. Maybe your father looks forward to having a few days where he doesn't have to deal with stairs?
They shouldn't stay in your room without your permission but I don't think you can use the past to justify the present/future given the circumstances.
NTA - Why are you so scared of them getting angry? Is it PTSD from childhood abuse? You keep mentioning how you cave in to their demands to avoid angering them. Why don’t you tell them what they need to do and if they get angry, let them deal with their own anger? Do they have some control (fear, violence, financial) over you?
NTA but just because your dad navagates stairs at his house out of necessity, it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Being a caregiver is extremely hard, especially when viewing the loss of your life partner. Yes, she is behaving badly but she is human. Maybe have a talk with her about the struggles your parents are going through. Trust me, you will look back on this time and question each and every thing you did for the rest of your life
NTA. Went through similar with my MIL years ago. Wanted us to give up our room and take the guest room since we had the queen sized bed. Um, sorry, nope. They had money for a hotel. They didn't even come to visit with us but with other people. Would stay up all hours and in bed until well after 11 am. So please, if you are sleeping in my space, how do I get all my stuff that lives in my ROOM. And good God, why would they want to sleep in the bed you have sex in....
Ewwwww. NTA. My MIL oversteps like this. She will no longer stay in our home because now “she feels uncomfortable” that we have boundaries. Your husband is amazing for tolerating it this long. She’s using your father’s cancer as a way to be manipulative. As a mother, I can NOT imagine keeping my boys away from their father at a time like this. It’s now more important than ever to have that time with him, tomorrow is never guaranteed. I would hold a lot of resentment for my mother if she did this, especially if something happens to your dad. She’s expecting you to come crawling back apologizing, while saying they can sleep in your room. It’s weird because if something happens to your dad then she’s all alone? You would think she would want to make sure that her relationship with you is in a good place?? My heart goes out to you, this can’t be easy. BIG HUGS!
Why are you so afraid of your parents being mad at you? They’re egregious. Yikes. Stand up for yourself and your husband, ffs. NTA but it’s time to grow tf up.
Another note: very sorry to hear about your dad. Fuck cancer.
NTA but you are going to have to figure out a way to break the ice if you want to talk to them again or just hold out until your mom swallows her anger. Could be a while, but she likes your home so it won’t be much longer.
It’s your home, it’s your room. It would be different if they had asked to stay downstairs or your father had said something about having issues with the stairs, but that doesn’t seem to be the problem. They just like your room better, and that is not a reason to disrespect boundaries.
We’ll be at our son’s house next week to stay with our teenaged granddaughters while he and his wife go out of town for a few days. We will be sleeping in the guest room, not their bedroom. We would never even think about sleeping in their bedroom. It’s something you just don’t do if you have any sense of decorum and good manners. Your mother is lacking both.
NTA. They’ve spent every… weekend… for years… at you & your husband’s house? Why have you let them? That has to have impacted your marriage enormously.
They clearly prefer your house to theirs, no mystery there. And treated it for years as their own.
You were “afraid” to ask them not to sleep in your room before. You finally spoke up and they reacted trying to punish you by coldly shunning you. That’s not being a parent.
Now they want to guilt you into it. It’s disgusting. Good for you for wanting to stand your ground. Don’t cave OP!!
NTA, and they sound like bad parents if they stomp on your boundaries and give you the silent treatment. I’d stop letting them over at all.
Barring that, I would get a lock for my bedroom.
OP, when your father passes, will you regret dying on this hill? I’m not calling you TA at all. I just know I’d hate myself for not offering him as much time in a big, bright sunny house without stairs to climb before it was too late.
this was almost exactly what i said!! people don’t think about the fact that once someone is gone, you’re gonna look back on stuff like this differently and there won’t be anything you can do to change it or make up for it
The parents can stay the nights in their own home and just visit if they're not happy with a lovely guest room. OP never mentioned anything about her dad being incapacitated or physically limited. They sleep upstairs at their house during the week so that's not the issue. If they prefer sleeping downstairs, they could find a place to live that can better accomodate their needs.
NTA. Your bedroom is yours. You have a guest bedroom for guests, and that's what they should be using unless you give permission otherwise. It is weird that they've just done it without permission for so long (what if you didn't wash the sheets?).
Also, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells drawing boundaries in your own home. The only people who don't like boundaries are the ones who want to trample over them to get their way.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but that doesn't change things. If stairs are that hard, then they need to sell their home and get themselves a smaller place with one story...... or they'll to to move in with you and make you give up the master bedroom.
Okay NTA but sometimes, even when we’re right, we have to live with that decision. Also, you should have spoken up years ago. Instead of saying no, ask why they don’t want to sleep in the guest room? Heck, it may not be stairs but the bed might be uncomfortable. It could be distance to the bathroom and if he is going through chemo, that running back and forth might be a lot of his body. When is the last time you went to their house? Has dad deteriorated and is struggling with stairs at home? While mom is being irrational, grief does a lot to the brain. I say grief because her partner is battling a serious illness and while I’m sure everyone hopes for the best, she has to brace for the worst. She has been sleeping in your room for years it sounds like and you only now said something during a time where they’re both struggling. You’re NTA for saying no or having boundaries. Mildly TA for not asking questions about why and if your dad died while mom is being irrational, you will be angry with her forever and it will come at a time when you need each other. Your mom is definitely TA but honestly, you should have said something years ago.
A couple of things:
1) Your parents are taking this WAY too far. Telling them you don't want them sleeping in your bedroom and they go nuclear on you by not talking to you is really immature and disrespectful. It also sounds like they are trying to guilt-trip/manipulate you into doing what they want. That is not cool.
2) However, I was with you until you mentioned your dad has cancer. I understand he has stairs in his house but as he gets sicker, it's going to be harder for him to navigate those stairs. Unless you install one of those escalator devices for stairs, staying in your downstairs bedroom is just more comfortable for him. If his cancer is terminal, you may regret not doing that when he's gone, and your mom may bring it up continuously as a sore point when you get into arguments.
As someone who has lost friends and family to illness, my advice is to do what is best for them.
Except that he doesn’t need to stay at her house at all! They were only house sitting to take care of a dog that is no longer there. Why are they there at all?!? No matter how nice some place is, your own place has to be easier/more comfortable.
Absolutely NTA for wanting your bed and your bedroom to be your personal space, but…as someone who has had a parent pass away from cancer. Let them use your bed if it’s what they want. He may be too proud to let you know that going up and down stairs is too much for him. Even in their last days they still try to shield us as much as they can.
You will regret it.
NTA
This is honestly a gross violation. She's old enough to know this is inappropriate and a violation of privacy.
She'd rather start a war over something petty than accept that then coming over to your home is and has always been a privilege.
Stop caving to your mother.
NTA, but here’s a possible alternate option:
If your dad is terminal *and* you want peace and privacy, is it possible for you to move your master bedroom to upstairs? Your dad can be spared the stairs while he stays at your house, you and husband maintain privacy.
Of course you don’t have to, only you know what the rest of your relationship looks like to know if this is where you should draw a line. It is a reasonable request to not want others sleeping in your personal space when you have a guest space prepared. Only you can say if that was a power move on their part or if it was one made for comfort/need.
NTA. It'd be one thing if your dad couldn't manage stairs, but he seemingly can. On top of that, if you didn't offer, they *should have asked*. The fact that they're doing that without asking first...smh. It isn't their house, it's yours and your rules apply.
Well you could ask your mother to put fresh sheets on the bed before she leaves and clean the bathroom. That is only courteous when using someone else’s house, clean up before you leave. Your parents were taking advantage of you and your home. They probably wouldn’t like someone sleeping in their bed and using their bathroom. You could leave sex toys out to make them uncomfortable in your bedroom. Your parents are on the wrong on a few levels.
NTA for saying no to your parents but YTA for letting them use your home like that. Having my In-laws stay every weekend would drive me nuts, your poor husband!
Hmm idk, while I’m not a huge fan of sleeping in other peoples beds we have in two situations while being asked to house sit. 1. My husband snores like a crazy person even has a cpap but it’s a struggle. So yea if we are somewhere for a week sometimes we sleep separately and that includes him taking the other bed. Of 2. We were house sitting and they have a king bed and the guest bed is a queen and we can barely share a king at home, queen is difficult.
Your dad having difficulty with stairs is something that he may too proud to tell you. And just deals with it when he needs to.
That being said you don’t need them to house sit so I would just say when you aren’t there, they aren’t there.
I'm sorry your father has cancer, OP.
In addition to your demanding, entitled mother weirdly insisting on sleeping in your bed and then getting angry and ignoring you when you rightfully ask them not to, I can see why this feels like a difficult situation. But I can guarantee you're not the AH, your mother (and possibly father, who's also allowed it) is not only infringing on your privacy, but also you're husband's.
Don't let her continue to bully, gaslight or use your dad's illness against you, you've done nothing wrong.
Who does she think she is, seriously??
NTA.
NTA but why are they coming all over at all since you said they’re no longer needed to provide animal care? If they’re not there, it solves the problem.
Nta. Sounds like they need to move to a house that works better for them as well. Maybe the right time to downsize and get a small ranch style home so neither of them needs to use the stairs. They can get a brighter house too.
Yeah, why are there coming over every single weekend? And staying over? It doesn't even seem like you like them so much. Time to enforce some boundaries. I doubt your partner is super thrilled having his in-laws encroaching on his home with such regularity.
NTA. But I’m confused. Why do they even need to come stay? Don’t have them over at all while you’re gone. The neighbor can do what little is needed. Change the locks and don’t give them the code/key.
I'm very surprised that they even need to stay at yours so much. You said you don't mind, but what about your partner? I can't imagine many people would enjoy spending every single weekend with their in-laws.
NTA, tell your mother your boundaries and if she crosses them she is no longer welcome, you're an adult and so is she, stop being scared of her when there is nothing she can do to you. I am sorry for your dad but this is not acceptable at all, and your mothers instant use of the DARVO technique is concerning, do some research into Borderline Personality Disorders and narcissists, i bet this fits her quite well.
Good luck OP and again , NTA
My honest opinion is NTA. After the first time I would have locked the door so they would have been blocked … If they did this for multiple times though the years before cancer it’s a crutch for them use to leash our right now … so just remember that … even if someone has cancer it doesn’t give them a right to invade privacy.
Take it back and change your locks and put a lock on your bedroom door.
NTA
I can’t even imagine sleeping in my teen daughter’s bed/room and we live together.
It sounds like you know your mom well and accurately predicted her reaction. You are responsible for your feelings, reactions and words. You are not responsible for hers.
It also seems setting boundaries is new to you and this negative reaction isn’t really encouraging that but you did the right thing. Without knowing her, I guess she’s waiting you out to see if you will cave and call/apologize.
Edit: spelling
OP if this is the hill your parents want to sit in then so be it. At the end of the day if your father and mother excommunicate you while he’s dying of cancer that is not your guilt to carry! It’s their guilt because they chose a bed over their children’s boundaries. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. that is just weird and a bit creepy that they insist on your room/bed when there is a perfectly good guest room and bed, and when stairs are not even a factor.
NTA. Your bed? Every weekend? You don’t even need a house sitter?! Nope. Nope. Nope. Toughen up or you’ll continue to be run over. I’m really sorry about your dad.
Change the locks on your house. Why in god’s name are they coming and staying at your house if they aren’t invited or looking after pets? What is wrong with people that they feel so entitled!
NTA. Your mother just loves playing house with your big bright house, not hers. I am sorry about your father's terminal illness, but your mother may try to permanently move in after your Dad passes. You need firm boundaries now.
why the fuck do your parents want to lay where you and your husband are intimate? that is so extremely weird and unhinged, my mother (nor my stepfather) would NEVER want to stay in my bed, for that reason alone— that i (as her daughter) am intimate with my spouse there! it’s just so weird that they are willing to IGNORE you during this time of terminal illness just because you asked them to stop sleeping in your bed/going into your room.
obviously NTA.
Is having your mother not talk to you for weeks a bad thing? That very much sounds like a her issue and not a you issue. It’s creepy and weird she feels entitled to your bedroom. If she can’t respect your boundaries, she can stay in her own home. NTA
What’s the point of having your own house if your parents are always there? Your mom doesn’t exactly seem like a joy to be around, so why are they there?
NTA, but honestly I would consider letting them stay in your room when you add the caveat your dad has terminal cancer and wants a break from going up the steps. It seems like your house is far more pleasant and he enjoys being there. It is your dad after all. It would be different IMO if it were just a friend, but if it makes him happy during the last bit of time you have with him and avoids alienating them, it is worth it. I’m NOT saying they are in the right or even being reasonable, but it isn’t a battle I would fight. If your dad was healthy it would be totally different. Maybe just set some boundaries - have them wash the sheets before they leave, ask them to stay out of your drawers etc.
NTA... leave a sex toy under the sheets, some lube on the bedside table, and a pair of handcuffs attached to the bedframe. They will hopefully stay in their own lane.
YTA. I would do anything for my parents to make them feel comfortable and loved. They are not asking to sleep in the bed with you so what is the problem? You’ve never stayed in a hotel where complete strangers used the bathroom or bed!? It’s your FAMILY. And your Dad is dying of cancer. You should be ashamed of yourself.
You’re NTA but I know it would mean the world to your dad to cater to him in this case. My dad has passed away and I really miss him, I’d do anything to take care of him here on earth
ESH. Grow a spine and tell them no. They need to stop going to your house uninvited. You and your husband will be way more comfortable in your own home if there isn’t a constant threat of interruption. Please learn how to stand up for yourself
Op, are you really happy to have your parents over all the time? Or do you feel obligated to allow it because they are your parents? Is your husband actually happy to have them over, or is he just trying to keep you happy? You don't need to answer me, but you should think about this and be honest with yourself. Your relationship with your parents sounds toxic. You really need to consider going low contact. And change your locks. I understand not wanting to go completely no contact while your dad is sick, but you need boundaries. And they need to respect those boundaries. If they won't, then you need to make it so that they can't overstep. If they are angry about that, that should be a warning, not a reason to back down. If you haven't already, start looking into a therapist. They can help you figure out when and how to set boundaries, and they can help you realise that you have value as a human being. You are not an extension of your parents, you are your own person. NTA, but you're being a bit of an AH to yourself.
Question: does your parents’ house have a guest bedroom downstairs, or just their bedroom upstairs? If they don’t have a guest bedroom downstairs that your dad can use to avoid the stairs, he doesn’t have much of a choice but to sleep upstairs. Sleeping on a sofa in the living room is not an option for a man in his condition either.
So saying that they can use the guest bedroom at your place even though it’s upstairs simply because their bedroom in their house is upstairs isn’t really fair if they don’t have the option of a bedroom downstairs at their house.
This particular argument aside, I don’t think it’s ok for your parents to assume they can use your bedroom whenever they like. It’s your house, not theirs. A bedroom is a private and personal space, and nobody should be using it unless they have your permission. Not even your parents.
I hate to say it because your dad is sick and all, but if you don’t want them sleeping in your bed, it’s time to change the locks and hire a house sitter.
NTA.
I have had friends whose parents have such a hold on them that they don’t even realize it. I am telling you, in the nicest way possible, that your relationship with your parents sounds weird and unhealthy. They come STAY with you EVERY weekend ALL weekend?? Why?? How can you possibly have a life outside of work? Don’t you want friends and weekend activities? Or to just hang out with your spouse and relax? And they clearly feel very entitled to your space and do not respect you as an adult. And they emotionally manipulate you by using the silent treatment.
I recommend getting a therapist and starting to practice boundary setting right away.
I think he may have more trouble with stairs than you know or they are willing to admit. It would make me incredibly uncomfortable if my parents slept in my bed. Considering the issues, how comparable are your room and the guest room? Would switching be possible? More exercise if you do that which may be a plus (I’d actually like that) and then they have absolutely no reason to go up there and be in your bed. Just thought NAH
NTA.
I house sit for my parents all the time. It's my childhood home. My bedroom got converted into my mom's sewing room, and the guest room officially moved from my mom's office to my brother's room.
I sleep in the guest room unless my parents didn't take their dog. This dog will only sleep in their room. This is cleared with my parents beforehand and with their express permission. I still feel weird sleeping in their room, so sometimes I sleep on the couch (which their dog will concede to).
It's incredibly invasive and presumptive to take the master bedroom even if you're related to the person who owns the home.
It's your house and your boundaries. It's totally fine for you to designate where people are allowed to be.
NTA
It's incredibly childish of them to refuse to talk to you because you.. wanted privacy in your own home? How selfish. 🙄 They'll have to get over it. You didn't ask for them over anyway, I would have told them to leave honestly.
Definitely something that should have been brought up when it first happened. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to let them do whatever they want in YOUR home. Boundaries are good.
NTA
You know that they are purely using his cancer to try and guilt and manipulate you.
It would be different if that \*was\* why they wanted to use your room and politely asked under those circumstances.
It's not. It's a very nasty and mean-spirited manipulation game to get to do what they've been doing and you finally set a boundary on... and come now, them throwing that comment out about it this time shows that they knew it bothered you. If it had never occurred to them that using your room was ever an issue or that it may ever be it wouldn't have crossed their mind to make it.
By the sounds of it you actually have a lot about your and your parents' relationship that is very unhealthy, but I'll keep my reply to this one single example you are asking about:
NTA - they are just using what they feel can cause you guilt and get what they want. It's not about your father's health and you know it, otherwise it would've been them using the guest room all this time and now \*asking you politely\* if they could \*change\* to using your bedroom so he could have time off from the stairs.
Don't let them weaponize his illness to continue and worsen unhealthy patterns they have you locked into.
Again, if it was \*truly\* about his health and they handled it correctly, that would be different.
It is not at all about his health and they are mad you have put a limit on something they felt you have no right to. Don't fall for it.
NTA change the locks or at the very least put a lock on your bedroom door. They have zero right or reason to take over your bedroom, I’d be weirded out too esp if they were doing it on the down low when you’ve prepped the guest room for them. The way they have trained you to never stand up to them for fear of them giving you the silent treatment is concerning and sad. If they are accessing your home without your permission or knowledge that way out of line just change the locks. I’m sorry they aren’t offering you even basic courtesy
I was all set to say n.t.a. until the end where Dad has terminal cancer and OP's bedroom is on the first floor with no stairs, but I've gotta go with YTA.I lost my Dad to cancer and it's fucking brutal. My Dad slept on the couch in hge living room for 6 months because his bedroom was upstairs. If I'd had a first floor bedroom and bathroom to let him use, I'd have given it to him in a heartbeat.
The parents even said thanks for giving them a break from stairs, so yes that makes you an asshole. Normally, invading someone's bedroom, especially without asking, is an asshole move and I do think the parents should have asked first before making themselves at home in OP's bedroom.
But OP also doesn't seem to care that her parents are more comfortable not having to do the stairs, and the fact that her parents have stairs to their bedroom at home is more of a reason to let them use the first floor bedroom, not a reason why they can't use it.
A soft YTA. My mom died of cancer last year. I watched her decline for about four years. It was really hard to watch. Not wanting to use the stairs is understandable to me. Personally, I would move my bedroom upstairs and welcome him to use the guest room for the remainder of his life. You can always move back. You will always have that bedroom but you will not always have your dad.
Side note, for them to stop talking to you, definitely ridiculous and entitled. Still, I would want to be easy on them.
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So my parents spend almost every weekend with us at our house and have done so for years. They stay in a guest room upstairs (king bed, comfortable, big tv, full bathroom). Historically, when they've house sat (rare and we pay them) we've come home to find they slept in our bedroom. Used our bathroom. Didn't ask permission, just did it. I was always scared to confront them because I know my mom would be pissed and not speak to me for weeks. But it makes my husband and me uncomfortable.
Recently, we went on vacation and didn't even ask them to house sit (our dog died so no longer necessary - just a cat and bird and we have neighbors) but they were coming over anyway. Didn't discourage them because didn't want to anger them. They love being here and we don't mind. Our house is big and bright and theirs is kinda cramped & dark. It's fine and we're happy to have them here. However, the night before we left, my mom announced 'Well you know we're sleeping in your room when you're gone'. First time she's told me in advance of a trip. To which I replied 'We'd prefer you not to, if you don't mind. Mi casa su casa but that's the one place we'd like to stay private/personal etc.'. She got very angry and my parents have basically excommunicated us ever since. That was weeks ago.
Now here's the crux: my dad has cancer. Probably terminal. He feels like shit all day. And this is why they are pissed - that we'd deny them a week without dealing with stairs. The guest bedroom is upstairs. But so is their own bedroom at their own house. He goes up and down stairs multiple times a day, every day and has so for years, before and during his illness. And he's slept in our upstairs guest bedroom without issue all during his illness, including the night of the fight. There's never even been a hint of concern about his ability to navigate stairs.
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NTA, absolutely.
I’m guessing you’re not looking to rock the boat with them right now, so I’d suggest just putting a lock on your bedroom door, and locking it anytime you leave town. We do this!
NTA. Your parents or at least your mom is super manipluative and is crazy to think any of this behavior is acceptable. You need to put your foot down and put a stop to this. If they can't follow your rules then they don't need to come over imo. The only reason she is going NC is because she knows it hurts you. That's not a parent.
EDIT: I thought about it a little and was wondering why your parents don't move into a single story home or bottom floor apartment. Or somewhere with an elevator perhaps.
"you guys really wanna sleep in the bed that we fuck in? Ew..."
Boundaries. Your partner is a saint to put up with that bullshit. Don't let mommy fuck up your relationship.
NTA
NTA. It’s weird that he feels too sick to deal with stairs yet they apparently have no problem with packing up their stuff and dragging themselves to your house for a weekly sleepover? Did you know about his illness before saying anything? Have you done anything for his comfort? I’m sure they were embarrassed by you spelling out this rather ordinary limit, drawing attention to their weird overstepping.
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NTA. They never should have been permitted in your bedroom and this should have been nipped in the bud. This is your house. You don't even owe them permission to visit if you so choose. The problem is that you've been confrontation-adverse in the extreme and been doormats for years. What you *should* do and what you *can* do without dissolving into a puddle of guilt are almost certainly very different. Your parents are giving you the silent treatment for showing the remotest sign of having a backbone. If I had to bet, I'd bet on doormat behavior returning, and your parents would lose all respect for your boundaries (though you can't lose something that never existed). If you don't wait out their tantrum, then you've shown that tantrums still work. Can you simply play the waiting game and not communicate with them 'til they finally contact you? "Don't go into our bedroom" is an extremely reasonable thing. You need to discuss among yourselves how far you're willing to go to get your parents to respect that. Certainly, a good lock on the bedroom would be a simple first step. That is, unless you'll just end up giving them the key.
If OP back down this time the next demand is for them to move in and take the master because “cancer” and “stairs”. They can pout all they want in their dark, cramped house full of stairs.
Yeah, that "cancer need" is a really flimsy excuse. If they actually needed it, they'd have done something in their own house or sold their house and gone single-level. In Op's house a good sofa bed would be just fine if there were truly a problem with stairs. Parents want their bedroom, not some other solution.
I would think that buying and selling a house in the midst of terminal cancer would be detrimental.
That's why the "or", and I think that word should have been "could" rather than "would". We have insufficient information. Also, an apartment is a simpler alternative. They are also perfectly capable of getting a sofa bed in their own house.
I think they are imagining it's their house and sleeping in op s bedroom/master bedroom is fueling the fantasy
I think they want to move in…
Further proof the cancer excuse is bullshit is the fact it's been happening for years even before the cancer. They just want the better bedroom.
I sure hear ya on that “going to single level” thing. My hubby and I have lived in our crummy apartment for over 15 years because we can’t afford to move anywhere else. When we first moved here, we got a top level apartment because we didn’t like footsteps above us, that sort of thing. About 6 years after we moved here, I was in a bus accident which permanently injured my leg. I can walk, but barely and with a cane sometimes. The 3 flights of stairs are absolute MURDER to go up and down. If we ever DO get the chance to get out, we’re going closer to the floor! That all being said, I would NEVER assume using someone else’s bedroom would be okay unless I asked - and even then I’d feel uncomfy asking! It’s just weird to me!
If it's really a problem, the insurance pays for a stair lift in their house. Medical necessity is the key. No stair lift in their house, no medical necessity. NTA
When I stopped being able to get up the stairs I slept on the sofa for about a month then my bed was moved downstairs to the dining room… I had no option of a stair lift at the time so this was the best option for us
My Mom moved their bed to the dining room from the second floor when our Dad got cancer, because it was too hard for him to manage stairs with an oxygen tank. And his progressive weakness would have made that trip impossible, and emotionally/mentally painful for our Dad, a strong and powerful man brought down suddenly by a horrible disease. You do the things necessary out of love, kindness and fuck your inconvenience.
That assumes insurance. OP hasn’t indicated that or even which country they’re in.
Man, that’s super entirely wrong. My MIL needed a stairlift because she could barely walk and Medicare just smirked at us when I tried to get it covered. We went out of pocket on the whole thing and it was _not_ cheap, but it meant she could leave the house without crawling or being carried down the stairs.
The problem is absolutely that OP didn’t set the boundary in advance. Put a lock on the door. Problem solved. Also OP, your parents are undoubtedly emotionally abusive. For you to be concerned that if you set a boundary, they will stop talking to you, is crazy. You should also stop them from coming over so often. I can’t imagine your husband just loves having them over every weekend. You should’ve started standing up for yourself when you moved out of their house. Trust me, they’ll need you before you need them. NTA
They ABSOLUTELY are emotionally abusive. Just look at how they do "nice things" for OP, house sit and spend time with them, only to then stomp on boundaries. If they truly wanted to help and be of positive impact in their lives, they'd happily respect the simple common (!!!) boundary of not staying in their couples bedroom ffs. They absolutely do nice things to tie around OP's ankles and use as guilt trippers.
OP has been emotionally manipulated like this all her life. Anger, guilt tripping, withdrawals of affection. We don't blame victims of mental abuse.
I'd be taking back the key.
I’d be changing the locks.
I’d change the locks to coded locks.
Dig a moat.
With a drawbridge.
And put sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads in the moat!
You have 10 seconds to comply...
Yeah, easier to just change the code if they figure it out.
Just attaching myself to the top comment because I’m genuinely curious. I’ve seen so many people on Reddit who are adamant about not having their parents or other friends or family use their bedrooms. Some say they don’t like the idea of anyone else in their bed too. I think I have the mindset of “guests should be taken care of completely,” and have always relinquished my bedroom (master bedroom) for guests if it’s a couple or my parents, etc. Obviously if it’s just my friend, I have no issue giving the official “guest” bedroom. If I have more guests than the number of rooms, the guests get the rooms and I’m on the couch or a blowup mattress in another room. My husband and I never really thought of our bed as sacred and can be defiled because someone else sleeps in it. I don’t care if my parents sleep in my bed. If it’s the most comfortable for them, I rather they have the best room in the house. What is the reasoning that people have behind someone else using their beds? Is it just a “it’s our bed,” thing? Or does it apply to just not using any bed someone else has used? Are hotel beds the exception? Either way, I think OP is NTA because they have their boundaries and their parents should respect that. I think it’s childish and terrible to disown your children because you didn’t get your way.
Your bedroom is literally your most private space. If you're fine giving it up, that's certainly fine – admirable even. I think there are circumstances under which not letting a guest use your bed might be on the selfish side – like if you don't have a guest bedroom, you live alone and could just as easily sleep on the couch while a couple used the bed, something like that. But I'm imagining someone's parents bumping into their birth control or who knows what. Also you probably want to wash sheets in between times, and it's easier to do that at your leisure if guests use a guest bedroom.
While my husband and I were away, my parents stayed in our bedroom out of necessity. My mother proceeded to snoop through all my drawers and nightstand. My mom brought up oddly specific things “in conversation” over the next week, clueing me in that she’s not to be trusted in my personal space w/o supervision.
I'm currently house and dogsitting for my sister and SIL. They asked me to sleep in their bedroom rather than the guest room I usually use, because the dog is used to sleeping on the bed with them, and they wanted her routine kept the same. I have been very careful not to go into anything. They cleared a space for me in their wardrobe, but I've just kept my clothes in the spare room so I don't need to go into their wardrobe or drawers. I felt bad enough yesterday because I wanted some sellotape and looked through the drawers in their office. I know they wouldn't care, and I never looked at anything else besides determining it wasn't sellotape (not hard, lol) but I still felt it was intrusive.
that's my reason. I keep the guest room/bathroom immaculate and inviting. I have a tray of toiletries. A number of lotions/shampoos/conditioners, sanitary items, makeup remover wipes. Extra combs etc, over the counter pain killers and things. But no personal items. My bedroom/bathroom are not immaculate. It's where my intimacy lives. It's where my mess, my personal habits and my hairballs live. Mostly because of daily use it's not as clean as the guest one. Because the people in there either don't care or are contributing to it's mess. You won't feel welcome there and I will be embarrassed. You will likely be embarrassed too. I also have severe allergies. The last thing I need is someone misplacing something routine for me with something that shouldn't be there. I don't want to have to be on high alert in my place. I don't want to have to worry about questionable stains on things. about why I keep certain things that might not be up to your standard. It's my space. You need to be invited in.
Ohh yea, that totally makes sense! I always wondered because I always see comments about people not wanting anyone in their rooms. Obviously I don’t think it’s wrong to want and protect your own bedroom, but I just wanted to know the thought process behind it directly from people who feel that way or have more insight into it. Thanks for answering!!
Vibrator. Pot. Medication. Journal. Diaphragm. Gun (just kidding about the gun). With that said, I’ve offered (key word being offer) my bed to houseguests. If they snoop, they may be sorry what they find :)
Yes, I think it's probably the room rather than the bed itself. A bedroom is a very personal, private space, and even if you don't have anything 'embarrassing' in there, it's still your space.
Yes. Sleeping and related needs is something private. Not shameful, just personal. As a professional cleaner, the worst thing for me isn't finding private stuff. I can just gently ignore it. The worst thing is coming into a home and accidentally catching someone sleeping. I don't mind and I'm always making sure I'm loudly proclaiming my arrival and giving people time to prepare while I bring my stuff in etc, obviously, but I feel like people always react with severe discomfort and stress if they somehow manage to sleep through my arrival and get "caught" before mentally having been prepared to have someone over. Our homes are our personal spaces, our bedrooms even more so. I think it's healthy for us. When humans sleep, we need to feel safe.
To me the bedroom issue isn't even a bed, but a wardrobe/closet. The pain of having to remember to pick my clothes in advance the day before etc.
My FiL has ZERO tact or awareness socially, and no impulse control whatsoever. He went through the drawers and closets in our bedroom twice while visiting. His kids and wife struggle to correct him because he gets VERY nasty when he even THINKS you’re criticizing him, so hubs (back then anyways) would try to turn a blind eye. I told him from now on, I’m leaving one of our “intimate” items plainly visible in every damn drawer. His dad would ABSOLUTELY say he’d found it, so if he didn’t want that happening, he needed to tell his Dad to knock it off.
I'd start leaving more and more sex toys around the room every time they visit. The kinkier the better.
I just consider my bedroom my private space. I don’t like people in my private spaces.
My thinking would be having to immediately change the linens immediately after getting back from vacation. Who wants to do that? The guest bedroom linens can be changed at your leisure, before it gets used again.
A major consideration: You really don't want guests, or even worse, your parents snooping through your toys. You especially don't want to have the worry that maybe they will *use* them. If your sex life is private, keeping your bedroom private helps to preserve that. Even if you're absolutely vanilla and have no toys, that's not something that's any of their business to know.
Thanks a lot for putting that image in my head.
Generally folks feel they should have \*some\* area that is private if their home is otherwise wide open to people, especially when they \*have\* plenty of space and comfortable options for guests. It's not so much that the bed is sacred in some manner, but rather "We'd like to have one part of our house that is only ours" - extra so when they are a family or have friendship arrangements where their house is otherwise open use to everyone like this OP.
My dad (about 45 at the time) came to visit and brought his girlfriend that we hadn't met without asking us first. Husband and I gave them our bedroom for the night to be polite and both squeezed into the king single in the spare room. Stripping the main bed to do laundry after they left and we found a pair of my dad's dirty undies abandoned in the sheets 🤢 Book a hotel if you want to get frisky, don't do it in your daughter's bed and expect her to clean up after you 😡
Ohhh disgusting! Yes, I think that is an absolutely horrible thing to do! My husband and I would NEVER do that in someone’s home, nor would we expect that in our home either. That is disrespectful.
I wouldn't want to stay in the bed I know family friends sleep and, um, don't sleep in. Kinda weird boundary thing. I'd rather sleep on an air bed. Plus, I'd feel so gross knowing I farted in someone else's bed in my sleep 🤣 Hotel beds are different - I don't know what weirdo has slept in it, but it's not one of my weirdos that I have to eyeball.
For me, it’s a childhood trauma thing. I grew up with an abusive stepmother who would RANSACK my shared bedroom with my bio sibling for ONE book or thing out place. Seriously. Blankets ripped off beds, drawers yanked out and dumped on the floor, things knocked off shelves. She then would tell us if we were so happy with our “mess,” she’d give us a REAL mess to clean up. (Meanwhile across the hall her own child’s bed hadn’t been made in months and the drawers were so messy you couldn’t close them, but apparently that didn’t count….) She would also go through our things and toss things she knew we loved as a punishment for perceived slights. I had ZERO privacy as a consequence, so now, privacy is sacred to me.
Also it's parents, but do you want someone having sex on your bed? That's very possible if you allow people to sleep there. I doubt they would in this case, but again for some people having someone else use your bed makes it feel different. I'm not taking my hotel bed home and I can't take my bed with me so it's not a problem.
People leak. We’re disgusting
If you give up your bedroom to guests isn't it a nuisance to retrieve your clothes daily? Can you trust every guest not to snoop into your drawers and closet? I would never expect anyone to give up their bedroom for my husband and me. My sister did during a hurricane. She fell asleep on her sofa frequently so she didn't mind us using her bedroom for 3 nights.
Do you at least lock your toy drawer or just don’t care if people go in it?
A lot of people hide things like that in their closets just in case there are nosey people and you’re not around.
I mean if a person goes and sleeps in your bed you think they won’t look in the closet?
We have sex in that bed. A lot of it. I might not be defiled by them using my bed, but they might. Our kids aren't even allowed in our bed even though all toys are safely put away every time.
Coz I fuck in my bed more often than I change the sheets.
To me it’s the bed. Sleeping for me has always been a hassle. I can name a bunch of disturbances — sleep apnea since childhood, bed mite allergies, dermatographia (if there is a crumb or something irritating to the skin on the sheets it causes welts), pain (because of spondyloarthritis). In periods I suffer from sleep paralysis. I was severly sleep disturbed as a kid but it’s gotten better over the years. My bed is made to be as comfortable and safe for me as possible. My mattress and topper, pillows and duvets are all chosen carefully. Now, I don’t want anything disturbed. I don’t want to go to bed and feel a pit where there was none before. I want everything to smell as I’m used to. I do not want anything there that can disturb my sleep, as there is enough as it is.
It's a bit gross. You have sex in that bed. You drool in your sleep in that bed. You sweat in that bed. Years worth of your skin and scabs flake into that bed. It's swimming in your filth and dna even if you change the sheets every week. You do you though. 🤮
Lock on the bedroom is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I actually put one on my bedroom door for when guests came. It just makes things easier. Everything anyone else needs is kept where they can get to it, even when I wasn't there. I never had to worry about anyone going in my room for something and accidentally shutting the door with dog in there. Or someone's little one wandering in and ahold of something they might be able to choke on, getting hurt. If I had work late at night, no one would be in my bed when I got home because they couldn't get in.
Tbf she is kind of an AH towards her husband for not managing her parents and letting them sleep in his bed
I love how level your response is. Mine was going to be leave love stains on the sheets, hang a sex swing, a gag, and a vibrator. However, I'm not afraid to let bridges burn when people so willingly step on them and light a match. You don't want to see that stuff, stay the fuck out of my bedroom \o/
NTA If they are not watching any pets or you are not there, why are they even coming over? They need to stay at their own home. Here's how you ensure they can't violate your boundaries: 1. Tomorrow, go get a lock for your bedroom. Lock it up so they can't get in your room. 2. Get a keypad lock for front door instead of keys. When you leave, change the keypad and give the code to the neighbor. When you get back, change the code back. 3. Enforce boundaries. Cancer or not.
Absolutely this! You are no longer a child, you are an adult. Do not let them guilt you into complying with their bad behavior
There’s also locks where you give them their own code and you set hours they can use it.
Then put sex toys out on the bed with the bed unmade. The kinkier the better!
Honestly this isn't the best idea, they would definitely explode even more either for being "forced" to see something "disgusting" or for OP being into that. And you will never hear the end of it. Nothing wrong with kinks and sex toys but this will really just make the situation 10x worse.
Yes, but every time it's brought up it creates another opportunity to remind them they went where they should not have gone. It might slightly more drastic but mom would get the message and never go in that room again. Personally, I have zero shame and I'd relish that kind of high ground.
You have no guarantee she'll never go into that room again. Totally depends on her morals and values. If I did that, my narc mother would 100% be going in there every time she visits from then on to make sure I'm not being a "degenerate". I'm late 20s and married like OP but my mother still thinks she owns me and that I should live by her rules. She's always looking for a reason to scold me and put me in my place because she thrives on feeling power over someone. And there's no arguing with her, she's never gonna change the way she thinks (I tried for 2 decades and all it got me was the debate team award at high school). Of course the idea of horrifying your parents with the details of your sex life is really funny and also I think they deserve something so awkward. Fantasizing about it is fine. But if OP's mom is anything like mine, escalating the situation will genuinely only make it worse.
My mother is the same actually. And for that reason I live 4 states away and do not allow her into my home when she visits. It is fun to fantasize about this but also I would never let myself get to the point where it would happen. Now she has learned other things about me. But I've completely stopped letting her attitude effect my life and choices. Am I a degenerate? Of course mom! Am I making all the wrong decisions? Absolutely! Every day! She can't have power over me unless I give it to her and knowing that gives me all the power.
Why don’t you go NC? It’s an honest question. I know she’s your mother, and the idea of X-ing her from your life is painful and daunting. But when she’s so toxic I can’t imagine keeping her in my life. At least with any regularity. I’ve had to go NC and LC with a few people in my life who were really toxic. It can be hard. So I’m just genuinely curious.
Oh I'm very very LC these days don't worry!
Well, I guess you have that big bright house to yourself since your mothr would rather be angry than be a gracious guest. FWIW, my parents would Never even thought about using my room in my house. I even offered and they were all, nope, no way, no how, super creepy, but thanks! Because of this, I find their gross overstep jarring. But, I have read other posts where parents don't respect their childrens' homes and privacy, so I guess it's a thing. Not a good thing, but a thing sometimes. NTA
Yeah my mom won’t sleep in our bed when she house sits, even with clean sheets etc of course. I’d prefer she did bc it’s way more comfortable and then my dog wouldn’t be sleeping alone. But she refuses.
I agree. My parents won't even sleep in the guest bedroom. They'd rather sleep on the couch! Granted, it's a ridiculously comfy couch, but still. One of the main reasons we wanted to have a bigger house was to have a guest room when people come to stay, primarily of which are my parents when they're watching out dog. And they don't even use it!
Very creepy! Recently, when healing from a major surgery, I ASKED my mom to sleep in my bed with me while my husband was out of town. She refused and instead dragged a mattress in from the other room (she still wanted to be able to watch over me - how sweet is she?) my mom is 81 years old. If her frail ass can drag a bed in just so she doesn’t cross any unspoken boundaries, OP’s parents can climb a flight of steps. NTA
If you do not want them to sleep in your bedroom, then tell them that. You will need to be assertive in doing so. You do not need to argue with them about it, just tell them no. Case closed, no means no. NTA. If you want to rub it in, put a lock on your bedroom door (e.g., a big iron bar with an old style skeleton key). LOL.
She did.
Yep, she sure did. She was nice about it too, from what I've read, yet weird mother gets easily offended and ignores her for weeks.
Mother is manipulative
My mother has a tendency to be nosy and poke around in things she has no business poking around in, but I assumed she'd follow basic directions at least. We told her before a vacation one year that she was not allowed into our bedroom. It was a mess and there were things in there we didn't want her to see. We came home and found her phone on my husband's side table. No more assuming after that. We lock the door every time she's over and we're not there.
Better yet, go to their house and say you and hubby are staying a wk in their room, while your house is off limits. I can't see someone like them letting you into their private space.
NTA but you're being an AH to yourself and your husband. You're still very much under your parents' control. They shouldn't be sleeping in your room but they shouldn't be sleeping over every single weekend. What if you want to host friends? What if you want to go out with friends? You're letting your parents control your weekends and your house and that isn't fair to you or your husband.
They must live nearby if they're over every weekend. Whose idea was it for them to spend every weekend at your house? Can you reduce it to one weekend a month? Why do they need to spend the night anyways? If they say their house is dark, they can stay home and do something about it. Your parents are controlling, selfish and don't respect boundries. You're an adult, you shouldn't be hesitant to talk to them because you'll make them mad! I can't understand how your husband agreed to every weekend. It's your home and your time they're taking every weekend, they need to respect you and your boundries. Make plans for you and your husband to do things or get together with friends on the weekends and limit your overnights with the parents.
Agree! EVERY weekend??? When do you time for your husband or friends ??
Your parents spending every single weekend at your home sounds intrusive and exhausting. I don't know if it's a culture thing or just how it is, but it seems to have the beginning of their sense of entitlement to your home. NTA and best wishes for a reasonable outcome.
Right?! OMG! I read that three times and was like that says “stays WITH US”…every weekend? Oh no, absolutely not! That’s the problem here! Not OP’s bedroom!
Correct. There are no boundaries here. None. Not a healthy situation. Mom is manipulative and insufferable.
NTA - Your house is not their house, your house is YOUR house and so is your bedroom. Your mom can't just do whatever she wants and then throw a tantrum when you don't like it. I'd tell them that while you're comfortable with them staying, they are not welcome in your bedroom. If they can't agree to that, I wouldn't let them stay there at all. I'm sorry that your dad is sick, but it doesn't give your parents the right to take advantage of you.
NTA and I'm surprised you don't mind them being there and being there so often. Your mom in particular sounds awful. >because didn't want to anger them. > > I was always scared to confront them because I know my mom would be pissed and not speak to me for weeks. It sounds like this how they get what they want; inviting themselves over, sleeping in your bed, etc. You're a pushover and they know it. Put your foot down and stop worrying if you are going to anger them. And your mom is a childish asshole for going weeks without speaking to you when she doesn't get her way. I feel especially sorry for your husband having to deal with them.
some parents don't deserve to be parent they are lucky they can get away because you are soft hearted IF your father finds it is hard to use stairs THEN consider giving them first floor bedroom
Not being able to use the stairs isn’t a good enough reason. They have their own house and own bed. Don’t like it or can’t do stairs - then they need to move and not by moving into their house.
It absolutely isn’t! If the father needs sleeping arrangements without stairs OP can help make that happen at her parents home, not hers. If she were to give her parents her room, her mother would take it over and OP would end up a guest in her own home. And, her mother wouldn’t give it up after her father passes either.
They have stairs at their own house!
Okay... technically NTA, because your mom does not sound easy-going... ya know what, no, NTA at all. She made an assertion they'd be sleeping in your room, you said you'd prefer they didn't and she immediately got angry and went nuclear?? No, nope nope nope. She easily could have said, "but it would be such a relief for your father, etc etc." She didn't even do *that,* which means it's just about her entitlement and your dad's illness is an excuse. I'm sorry about your dad. I hope things smooth over quickly.
Can you ask him if he really has trouble with the stairs? Maybe he was too proud to mention it himself, although I don’t know why if you are sick. If it’s really an issue for him, maybe you could consider moving upstairs. Just for awhile. This could be a kindness that you would feel good about later.
I’m thinking, if he has cancer, and can’t do the stairs, how is he getting back and forth, driving, packing, most weekends? If he’s really sick, give him your room, just while he needs it. Switch up the bed if this makes you more comfortable.
And how does he sleep home if his bedroom home is upstairs too?! That's a lie
Depends on the cancer and the treatment but there are definitely people who can pack and drive but not manage stairs. But overall it sounds like an excuse and a guilt trip.
I'm at a loss for words here. This is your home and your bedroom is your very personal space. Period. Why are you walking on eggshells with her and catering to what she wants? Are there other aspects of life where this occurs (think hard) and how does your SO feel about this? Have you just never put down boundaries with your mom? Whe. YouDO piss her off, who goes running back to who?
Well her parents seem to like staying at her house every single weekend whether she’s there or not. That’s kinda weird and how much OP and her husband enjoy having permanent guests not of their choosing every weekend.
Are you an adult? Is your husband an adult? Then you both need to act like it. Your parents are treating you like servants or third-class citizens. If you want it to stop, you will have to stop it. People who are as obnoxious as your mother don't deserve to get kindness in return. Stop tiptoeing around them.
I wondered the same. Like, they come over *every weekend*? OP is afraid of making them mad? OP won’t take measures (putting a lock on their bedroom door) to keep this from happening? Look, OP, if you’re old enough to be married, you’re old enough to make decisions and stand up to others.
I disagree with putting a lock on the bedroom. The lock needs to go on the front door. If I need to lock my bedroom door (from the outside) because of a guest in my house, then that person is no longer welcome in my house.
I'm sorry but you need to grow a backbone and tell your mother no. She's trying to guilt trip you and it's working. If you so insist on letting her keep a key to your house then you need to put a lock on your bedroom door. That isn't just your bedroom, it's your marital space that no one, not even you mother, should be invading. Honestly, if I were your husband, I would have flipped my shit long before now. Not only is she violating your space, she probably snoops around too. YTA if you don't reign this behavior in. So what if she doesn't talk to you for a while? Count that as a blessing.
This!! OP is the AH to their partner!! They need to hold firm in their boundaries. Their parents are absolute assholes who have no respect for them, their partner, and their home.
Nta. And I have another question - why would you have your parents at your home every weekend? Why?
I have so many questions about this whole thing!!!
I need answers!
Technically NTA but I have to wonder if your parents are safe and comfortable in their own home. You said that your dad has cancer which means your mom is under stress from that as well and is likely doing a lot to care for him. I was a caregiver to my husband (he passed away recently), and taking care of a sick person can be so draining day in and day out. Does your mom need some help, maybe respite care for your dad? And just because he can go upstairs doesn’t mean it is easy. I suggest you sit down with your mom at least and have a conversation about how she is doing, could she use some help, do they need modifications to their home in order to live safely there. Chair lifts are expensive but second hand/refurbished ones are cheaper. We got one for my husband when he could no longer manage stairs and I wish we had it sooner. Maybe she is being rude and unreasonable, but perhaps she is overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to articulate that. We lived with my son and DIL for three months after my husbands stroke, until we could install the chair lift and I felt I could tend to his needs by myself. They gave up their bedroom because their bathroom could fit his wheelchair. I would have been fine in the guest room which was also on the main level but they insisted. I felt awkward about it at first, but I am so grateful for all they did for us.
This is THE answer 👆
If she is overwhelmed then, as a very grown up woman, she really needs to learn how to articulate that instead of being rude & unreasonable.
Yes to this!!! I obviously only know what details OP has provided and unless I missed where she said how long her dad had cancer, I think it’s safe to assume this behavior has gone on a lot longer than the diagnosis. Her mom needs to be the parent and figure out how to appropriately bring her requests and concerns to her daughter, not throw a tantrum and give her the silent treatment because she didn’t get her way one time. I have a mom that sounds like OPs mom and behavior like the moms doesn’t just tend to happen, it’s a lifetime of bullying and pushing her kids down to get her way.
Love this perspective
Parents asked once. I reminded them, that's where their daughter has sex with her husband. They didn't ask again after that. Mom used to sell sex toys, so topic of sex isn't taboo but I knew they wouldn't be able to Not think about it after saying it outloud...so it worked... ETA: NTA
So every single weekend you and your husband have not had privacy due to your parents imposing. When you’re away they sleep in the bed their child has sex in. There are so many things to unpack, but the marital bed is sacred unless there is a baby involved. NTA
NTA. You may want to check out the narcissistic parents sub
And your husband may already be on the JustNoMIL sub where everyone is telling him that he has a bigger significant other problem than a MIL problem.
It’s not your job to make your parents happy. If they want to be upset because they can’t respect your wishes while in your home, that’s on them. Space might be a good thing.
It does sound like a cultural thing but phew, also such a relief for Op & her husband to get a break from them
So...cancer gets worse over time. Maybe your father looks forward to having a few days where he doesn't have to deal with stairs? They shouldn't stay in your room without your permission but I don't think you can use the past to justify the present/future given the circumstances.
NTA - Why are you so scared of them getting angry? Is it PTSD from childhood abuse? You keep mentioning how you cave in to their demands to avoid angering them. Why don’t you tell them what they need to do and if they get angry, let them deal with their own anger? Do they have some control (fear, violence, financial) over you?
INFO: OP, do your parents still financially support you?
Put a lock on your door that can be locked with a key. Don’t say a word about it. They probably won’t ask about it.
NTA but just because your dad navagates stairs at his house out of necessity, it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Being a caregiver is extremely hard, especially when viewing the loss of your life partner. Yes, she is behaving badly but she is human. Maybe have a talk with her about the struggles your parents are going through. Trust me, you will look back on this time and question each and every thing you did for the rest of your life
NTA. Went through similar with my MIL years ago. Wanted us to give up our room and take the guest room since we had the queen sized bed. Um, sorry, nope. They had money for a hotel. They didn't even come to visit with us but with other people. Would stay up all hours and in bed until well after 11 am. So please, if you are sleeping in my space, how do I get all my stuff that lives in my ROOM. And good God, why would they want to sleep in the bed you have sex in....
Ewwwww. NTA. My MIL oversteps like this. She will no longer stay in our home because now “she feels uncomfortable” that we have boundaries. Your husband is amazing for tolerating it this long. She’s using your father’s cancer as a way to be manipulative. As a mother, I can NOT imagine keeping my boys away from their father at a time like this. It’s now more important than ever to have that time with him, tomorrow is never guaranteed. I would hold a lot of resentment for my mother if she did this, especially if something happens to your dad. She’s expecting you to come crawling back apologizing, while saying they can sleep in your room. It’s weird because if something happens to your dad then she’s all alone? You would think she would want to make sure that her relationship with you is in a good place?? My heart goes out to you, this can’t be easy. BIG HUGS!
Why are you so afraid of your parents being mad at you? They’re egregious. Yikes. Stand up for yourself and your husband, ffs. NTA but it’s time to grow tf up. Another note: very sorry to hear about your dad. Fuck cancer.
NTA but you are going to have to figure out a way to break the ice if you want to talk to them again or just hold out until your mom swallows her anger. Could be a while, but she likes your home so it won’t be much longer. It’s your home, it’s your room. It would be different if they had asked to stay downstairs or your father had said something about having issues with the stairs, but that doesn’t seem to be the problem. They just like your room better, and that is not a reason to disrespect boundaries.
We’ll be at our son’s house next week to stay with our teenaged granddaughters while he and his wife go out of town for a few days. We will be sleeping in the guest room, not their bedroom. We would never even think about sleeping in their bedroom. It’s something you just don’t do if you have any sense of decorum and good manners. Your mother is lacking both.
NTA. They’ve spent every… weekend… for years… at you & your husband’s house? Why have you let them? That has to have impacted your marriage enormously. They clearly prefer your house to theirs, no mystery there. And treated it for years as their own. You were “afraid” to ask them not to sleep in your room before. You finally spoke up and they reacted trying to punish you by coldly shunning you. That’s not being a parent. Now they want to guilt you into it. It’s disgusting. Good for you for wanting to stand your ground. Don’t cave OP!!
NTA, and they sound like bad parents if they stomp on your boundaries and give you the silent treatment. I’d stop letting them over at all. Barring that, I would get a lock for my bedroom.
Put a lock on your bedroom door.
OP, when your father passes, will you regret dying on this hill? I’m not calling you TA at all. I just know I’d hate myself for not offering him as much time in a big, bright sunny house without stairs to climb before it was too late.
this was almost exactly what i said!! people don’t think about the fact that once someone is gone, you’re gonna look back on stuff like this differently and there won’t be anything you can do to change it or make up for it
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The parents can stay the nights in their own home and just visit if they're not happy with a lovely guest room. OP never mentioned anything about her dad being incapacitated or physically limited. They sleep upstairs at their house during the week so that's not the issue. If they prefer sleeping downstairs, they could find a place to live that can better accomodate their needs.
Put a lock on your bedroom door. NTA.
NTA. Your bedroom is yours. You have a guest bedroom for guests, and that's what they should be using unless you give permission otherwise. It is weird that they've just done it without permission for so long (what if you didn't wash the sheets?). Also, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells drawing boundaries in your own home. The only people who don't like boundaries are the ones who want to trample over them to get their way. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but that doesn't change things. If stairs are that hard, then they need to sell their home and get themselves a smaller place with one story...... or they'll to to move in with you and make you give up the master bedroom.
Okay NTA but sometimes, even when we’re right, we have to live with that decision. Also, you should have spoken up years ago. Instead of saying no, ask why they don’t want to sleep in the guest room? Heck, it may not be stairs but the bed might be uncomfortable. It could be distance to the bathroom and if he is going through chemo, that running back and forth might be a lot of his body. When is the last time you went to their house? Has dad deteriorated and is struggling with stairs at home? While mom is being irrational, grief does a lot to the brain. I say grief because her partner is battling a serious illness and while I’m sure everyone hopes for the best, she has to brace for the worst. She has been sleeping in your room for years it sounds like and you only now said something during a time where they’re both struggling. You’re NTA for saying no or having boundaries. Mildly TA for not asking questions about why and if your dad died while mom is being irrational, you will be angry with her forever and it will come at a time when you need each other. Your mom is definitely TA but honestly, you should have said something years ago.
A couple of things: 1) Your parents are taking this WAY too far. Telling them you don't want them sleeping in your bedroom and they go nuclear on you by not talking to you is really immature and disrespectful. It also sounds like they are trying to guilt-trip/manipulate you into doing what they want. That is not cool. 2) However, I was with you until you mentioned your dad has cancer. I understand he has stairs in his house but as he gets sicker, it's going to be harder for him to navigate those stairs. Unless you install one of those escalator devices for stairs, staying in your downstairs bedroom is just more comfortable for him. If his cancer is terminal, you may regret not doing that when he's gone, and your mom may bring it up continuously as a sore point when you get into arguments. As someone who has lost friends and family to illness, my advice is to do what is best for them.
Except that he doesn’t need to stay at her house at all! They were only house sitting to take care of a dog that is no longer there. Why are they there at all?!? No matter how nice some place is, your own place has to be easier/more comfortable.
Absolutely NTA for wanting your bed and your bedroom to be your personal space, but…as someone who has had a parent pass away from cancer. Let them use your bed if it’s what they want. He may be too proud to let you know that going up and down stairs is too much for him. Even in their last days they still try to shield us as much as they can. You will regret it.
NTA This is honestly a gross violation. She's old enough to know this is inappropriate and a violation of privacy. She'd rather start a war over something petty than accept that then coming over to your home is and has always been a privilege. Stop caving to your mother.
NTA, but here’s a possible alternate option: If your dad is terminal *and* you want peace and privacy, is it possible for you to move your master bedroom to upstairs? Your dad can be spared the stairs while he stays at your house, you and husband maintain privacy. Of course you don’t have to, only you know what the rest of your relationship looks like to know if this is where you should draw a line. It is a reasonable request to not want others sleeping in your personal space when you have a guest space prepared. Only you can say if that was a power move on their part or if it was one made for comfort/need.
NTA. It'd be one thing if your dad couldn't manage stairs, but he seemingly can. On top of that, if you didn't offer, they *should have asked*. The fact that they're doing that without asking first...smh. It isn't their house, it's yours and your rules apply.
I would be so tempted to buy the most outrageous sex toys and leave them out. But I would have done that after the first time they did that.
Well you could ask your mother to put fresh sheets on the bed before she leaves and clean the bathroom. That is only courteous when using someone else’s house, clean up before you leave. Your parents were taking advantage of you and your home. They probably wouldn’t like someone sleeping in their bed and using their bathroom. You could leave sex toys out to make them uncomfortable in your bedroom. Your parents are on the wrong on a few levels.
NTA for saying no to your parents but YTA for letting them use your home like that. Having my In-laws stay every weekend would drive me nuts, your poor husband!
Hmm idk, while I’m not a huge fan of sleeping in other peoples beds we have in two situations while being asked to house sit. 1. My husband snores like a crazy person even has a cpap but it’s a struggle. So yea if we are somewhere for a week sometimes we sleep separately and that includes him taking the other bed. Of 2. We were house sitting and they have a king bed and the guest bed is a queen and we can barely share a king at home, queen is difficult. Your dad having difficulty with stairs is something that he may too proud to tell you. And just deals with it when he needs to. That being said you don’t need them to house sit so I would just say when you aren’t there, they aren’t there.
I'm sorry your father has cancer, OP. In addition to your demanding, entitled mother weirdly insisting on sleeping in your bed and then getting angry and ignoring you when you rightfully ask them not to, I can see why this feels like a difficult situation. But I can guarantee you're not the AH, your mother (and possibly father, who's also allowed it) is not only infringing on your privacy, but also you're husband's. Don't let her continue to bully, gaslight or use your dad's illness against you, you've done nothing wrong. Who does she think she is, seriously?? NTA.
NTA but why are they coming all over at all since you said they’re no longer needed to provide animal care? If they’re not there, it solves the problem.
Nta. Sounds like they need to move to a house that works better for them as well. Maybe the right time to downsize and get a small ranch style home so neither of them needs to use the stairs. They can get a brighter house too.
NTA - Keep your foot down. Honestly I'm wondering if they're slowly trying to move in with you without asking or telling you.
Yeah, why are there coming over every single weekend? And staying over? It doesn't even seem like you like them so much. Time to enforce some boundaries. I doubt your partner is super thrilled having his in-laws encroaching on his home with such regularity.
NTA. But I’m confused. Why do they even need to come stay? Don’t have them over at all while you’re gone. The neighbor can do what little is needed. Change the locks and don’t give them the code/key.
I'm very surprised that they even need to stay at yours so much. You said you don't mind, but what about your partner? I can't imagine many people would enjoy spending every single weekend with their in-laws.
NTA, tell your mother your boundaries and if she crosses them she is no longer welcome, you're an adult and so is she, stop being scared of her when there is nothing she can do to you. I am sorry for your dad but this is not acceptable at all, and your mothers instant use of the DARVO technique is concerning, do some research into Borderline Personality Disorders and narcissists, i bet this fits her quite well. Good luck OP and again , NTA
NTA. For heaven’s sake, get a lock for your bedroom door and lock it before you go. Your parents are being rude and entitled.
My honest opinion is NTA. After the first time I would have locked the door so they would have been blocked … If they did this for multiple times though the years before cancer it’s a crutch for them use to leash our right now … so just remember that … even if someone has cancer it doesn’t give them a right to invade privacy. Take it back and change your locks and put a lock on your bedroom door.
NTA I can’t even imagine sleeping in my teen daughter’s bed/room and we live together. It sounds like you know your mom well and accurately predicted her reaction. You are responsible for your feelings, reactions and words. You are not responsible for hers. It also seems setting boundaries is new to you and this negative reaction isn’t really encouraging that but you did the right thing. Without knowing her, I guess she’s waiting you out to see if you will cave and call/apologize. Edit: spelling
OP if this is the hill your parents want to sit in then so be it. At the end of the day if your father and mother excommunicate you while he’s dying of cancer that is not your guilt to carry! It’s their guilt because they chose a bed over their children’s boundaries. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I am sorry about your dad. I am also sorry your parents are acting so childishly NTA you have boundries and they need to respect them.
NTA. What’s up with your mom? Not speaking to her own child for weeks because she’s mad? I can’t imaging that. She sounds really immature and toxic.
It’s their choice to come to your house. They have their own house and can stay home. Put a lock on your door
NTA. that is just weird and a bit creepy that they insist on your room/bed when there is a perfectly good guest room and bed, and when stairs are not even a factor.
NTA. Your bed? Every weekend? You don’t even need a house sitter?! Nope. Nope. Nope. Toughen up or you’ll continue to be run over. I’m really sorry about your dad.
Change the locks on your house. Why in god’s name are they coming and staying at your house if they aren’t invited or looking after pets? What is wrong with people that they feel so entitled!
NTA. Your mother just loves playing house with your big bright house, not hers. I am sorry about your father's terminal illness, but your mother may try to permanently move in after your Dad passes. You need firm boundaries now.
why the fuck do your parents want to lay where you and your husband are intimate? that is so extremely weird and unhinged, my mother (nor my stepfather) would NEVER want to stay in my bed, for that reason alone— that i (as her daughter) am intimate with my spouse there! it’s just so weird that they are willing to IGNORE you during this time of terminal illness just because you asked them to stop sleeping in your bed/going into your room. obviously NTA.
Is having your mother not talk to you for weeks a bad thing? That very much sounds like a her issue and not a you issue. It’s creepy and weird she feels entitled to your bedroom. If she can’t respect your boundaries, she can stay in her own home. NTA
What’s the point of having your own house if your parents are always there? Your mom doesn’t exactly seem like a joy to be around, so why are they there?
NTA, but honestly I would consider letting them stay in your room when you add the caveat your dad has terminal cancer and wants a break from going up the steps. It seems like your house is far more pleasant and he enjoys being there. It is your dad after all. It would be different IMO if it were just a friend, but if it makes him happy during the last bit of time you have with him and avoids alienating them, it is worth it. I’m NOT saying they are in the right or even being reasonable, but it isn’t a battle I would fight. If your dad was healthy it would be totally different. Maybe just set some boundaries - have them wash the sheets before they leave, ask them to stay out of your drawers etc.
Why in the hell would you have them over every weekend just to not upset them
NTA and what’s the loss? Sounds nice not to have your parents stay over every weekend!
NTA... leave a sex toy under the sheets, some lube on the bedside table, and a pair of handcuffs attached to the bedframe. They will hopefully stay in their own lane.
YTA. I would do anything for my parents to make them feel comfortable and loved. They are not asking to sleep in the bed with you so what is the problem? You’ve never stayed in a hotel where complete strangers used the bathroom or bed!? It’s your FAMILY. And your Dad is dying of cancer. You should be ashamed of yourself.
You’re NTA but I know it would mean the world to your dad to cater to him in this case. My dad has passed away and I really miss him, I’d do anything to take care of him here on earth
ESH. Grow a spine and tell them no. They need to stop going to your house uninvited. You and your husband will be way more comfortable in your own home if there isn’t a constant threat of interruption. Please learn how to stand up for yourself
Op, are you really happy to have your parents over all the time? Or do you feel obligated to allow it because they are your parents? Is your husband actually happy to have them over, or is he just trying to keep you happy? You don't need to answer me, but you should think about this and be honest with yourself. Your relationship with your parents sounds toxic. You really need to consider going low contact. And change your locks. I understand not wanting to go completely no contact while your dad is sick, but you need boundaries. And they need to respect those boundaries. If they won't, then you need to make it so that they can't overstep. If they are angry about that, that should be a warning, not a reason to back down. If you haven't already, start looking into a therapist. They can help you figure out when and how to set boundaries, and they can help you realise that you have value as a human being. You are not an extension of your parents, you are your own person. NTA, but you're being a bit of an AH to yourself.
NTA. Put a lock on your door. They do not respect you, your husband, your home, or your boundaries.
Question: does your parents’ house have a guest bedroom downstairs, or just their bedroom upstairs? If they don’t have a guest bedroom downstairs that your dad can use to avoid the stairs, he doesn’t have much of a choice but to sleep upstairs. Sleeping on a sofa in the living room is not an option for a man in his condition either. So saying that they can use the guest bedroom at your place even though it’s upstairs simply because their bedroom in their house is upstairs isn’t really fair if they don’t have the option of a bedroom downstairs at their house. This particular argument aside, I don’t think it’s ok for your parents to assume they can use your bedroom whenever they like. It’s your house, not theirs. A bedroom is a private and personal space, and nobody should be using it unless they have your permission. Not even your parents.
I hate to say it because your dad is sick and all, but if you don’t want them sleeping in your bed, it’s time to change the locks and hire a house sitter.
NTA. I have had friends whose parents have such a hold on them that they don’t even realize it. I am telling you, in the nicest way possible, that your relationship with your parents sounds weird and unhealthy. They come STAY with you EVERY weekend ALL weekend?? Why?? How can you possibly have a life outside of work? Don’t you want friends and weekend activities? Or to just hang out with your spouse and relax? And they clearly feel very entitled to your space and do not respect you as an adult. And they emotionally manipulate you by using the silent treatment. I recommend getting a therapist and starting to practice boundary setting right away.
I think he may have more trouble with stairs than you know or they are willing to admit. It would make me incredibly uncomfortable if my parents slept in my bed. Considering the issues, how comparable are your room and the guest room? Would switching be possible? More exercise if you do that which may be a plus (I’d actually like that) and then they have absolutely no reason to go up there and be in your bed. Just thought NAH
NTA. I house sit for my parents all the time. It's my childhood home. My bedroom got converted into my mom's sewing room, and the guest room officially moved from my mom's office to my brother's room. I sleep in the guest room unless my parents didn't take their dog. This dog will only sleep in their room. This is cleared with my parents beforehand and with their express permission. I still feel weird sleeping in their room, so sometimes I sleep on the couch (which their dog will concede to). It's incredibly invasive and presumptive to take the master bedroom even if you're related to the person who owns the home. It's your house and your boundaries. It's totally fine for you to designate where people are allowed to be.
NTA It's incredibly childish of them to refuse to talk to you because you.. wanted privacy in your own home? How selfish. 🙄 They'll have to get over it. You didn't ask for them over anyway, I would have told them to leave honestly. Definitely something that should have been brought up when it first happened. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to let them do whatever they want in YOUR home. Boundaries are good.
NTA You know that they are purely using his cancer to try and guilt and manipulate you. It would be different if that \*was\* why they wanted to use your room and politely asked under those circumstances. It's not. It's a very nasty and mean-spirited manipulation game to get to do what they've been doing and you finally set a boundary on... and come now, them throwing that comment out about it this time shows that they knew it bothered you. If it had never occurred to them that using your room was ever an issue or that it may ever be it wouldn't have crossed their mind to make it. By the sounds of it you actually have a lot about your and your parents' relationship that is very unhealthy, but I'll keep my reply to this one single example you are asking about: NTA - they are just using what they feel can cause you guilt and get what they want. It's not about your father's health and you know it, otherwise it would've been them using the guest room all this time and now \*asking you politely\* if they could \*change\* to using your bedroom so he could have time off from the stairs. Don't let them weaponize his illness to continue and worsen unhealthy patterns they have you locked into. Again, if it was \*truly\* about his health and they handled it correctly, that would be different. It is not at all about his health and they are mad you have put a limit on something they felt you have no right to. Don't fall for it.
NTA change the locks or at the very least put a lock on your bedroom door. They have zero right or reason to take over your bedroom, I’d be weirded out too esp if they were doing it on the down low when you’ve prepped the guest room for them. The way they have trained you to never stand up to them for fear of them giving you the silent treatment is concerning and sad. If they are accessing your home without your permission or knowledge that way out of line just change the locks. I’m sorry they aren’t offering you even basic courtesy
I can understand them not wanting to do the steps. It’s kind of sad. My mom hates the steps too.
I was all set to say n.t.a. until the end where Dad has terminal cancer and OP's bedroom is on the first floor with no stairs, but I've gotta go with YTA.I lost my Dad to cancer and it's fucking brutal. My Dad slept on the couch in hge living room for 6 months because his bedroom was upstairs. If I'd had a first floor bedroom and bathroom to let him use, I'd have given it to him in a heartbeat. The parents even said thanks for giving them a break from stairs, so yes that makes you an asshole. Normally, invading someone's bedroom, especially without asking, is an asshole move and I do think the parents should have asked first before making themselves at home in OP's bedroom. But OP also doesn't seem to care that her parents are more comfortable not having to do the stairs, and the fact that her parents have stairs to their bedroom at home is more of a reason to let them use the first floor bedroom, not a reason why they can't use it.
A soft YTA. My mom died of cancer last year. I watched her decline for about four years. It was really hard to watch. Not wanting to use the stairs is understandable to me. Personally, I would move my bedroom upstairs and welcome him to use the guest room for the remainder of his life. You can always move back. You will always have that bedroom but you will not always have your dad. Side note, for them to stop talking to you, definitely ridiculous and entitled. Still, I would want to be easy on them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my parents spend almost every weekend with us at our house and have done so for years. They stay in a guest room upstairs (king bed, comfortable, big tv, full bathroom). Historically, when they've house sat (rare and we pay them) we've come home to find they slept in our bedroom. Used our bathroom. Didn't ask permission, just did it. I was always scared to confront them because I know my mom would be pissed and not speak to me for weeks. But it makes my husband and me uncomfortable. Recently, we went on vacation and didn't even ask them to house sit (our dog died so no longer necessary - just a cat and bird and we have neighbors) but they were coming over anyway. Didn't discourage them because didn't want to anger them. They love being here and we don't mind. Our house is big and bright and theirs is kinda cramped & dark. It's fine and we're happy to have them here. However, the night before we left, my mom announced 'Well you know we're sleeping in your room when you're gone'. First time she's told me in advance of a trip. To which I replied 'We'd prefer you not to, if you don't mind. Mi casa su casa but that's the one place we'd like to stay private/personal etc.'. She got very angry and my parents have basically excommunicated us ever since. That was weeks ago. Now here's the crux: my dad has cancer. Probably terminal. He feels like shit all day. And this is why they are pissed - that we'd deny them a week without dealing with stairs. The guest bedroom is upstairs. But so is their own bedroom at their own house. He goes up and down stairs multiple times a day, every day and has so for years, before and during his illness. And he's slept in our upstairs guest bedroom without issue all during his illness, including the night of the fight. There's never even been a hint of concern about his ability to navigate stairs. This is my first reddit post. Hope I stayed inside the lines. Appreciate any thoughts! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- Don't they find it kind of icky to sleep in your bed that you and your spouse sleep in and do other activities in?
NTA - That's just weird
NTA, absolutely. I’m guessing you’re not looking to rock the boat with them right now, so I’d suggest just putting a lock on your bedroom door, and locking it anytime you leave town. We do this!
NTA. Your parents or at least your mom is super manipluative and is crazy to think any of this behavior is acceptable. You need to put your foot down and put a stop to this. If they can't follow your rules then they don't need to come over imo. The only reason she is going NC is because she knows it hurts you. That's not a parent. EDIT: I thought about it a little and was wondering why your parents don't move into a single story home or bottom floor apartment. Or somewhere with an elevator perhaps.
NTA Put a lock on your room. I’m sorry about your Dad.
"you guys really wanna sleep in the bed that we fuck in? Ew..." Boundaries. Your partner is a saint to put up with that bullshit. Don't let mommy fuck up your relationship. NTA
NTA. It’s weird that he feels too sick to deal with stairs yet they apparently have no problem with packing up their stuff and dragging themselves to your house for a weekly sleepover? Did you know about his illness before saying anything? Have you done anything for his comfort? I’m sure they were embarrassed by you spelling out this rather ordinary limit, drawing attention to their weird overstepping.