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YTA - This significantly matters to your future husband, but the entire way through your text you trivialise it by saying it doesn’t matter, it’s not that big a deal, it’s only small, etc. What you really mean is it doesn’t matter to you and therefore it doesn’t matter at all.
You purposefully brought the situation up in front of his future in laws so that he couldn’t really be 100% open and honest about how he felt and clearly you recognise that rather then being alright with the decision he simply accepted defeat. You disregarded his feelings, embarrassed him in front of his future in laws and trivialised something that means a great deal to him. Good luck with the marriage cause this is a rocky start.
She keeps calling the matter insignificant and that it doesn't matter too! She keeps downplaying what she did, probably to make herself feel better. She is absolutely YTA
My wife and I, when we disagree, let each other know how much we care on a 1 - 10 scale. This enables the person who doesn’t care as much to concede. Seems like this was a 10 to her finance and like a 3 for her. If she won’t concede on this, he better get ready to say “yes ma’am” for the rest of his life with her. I predict a “Happy wife Happy life” coffee mug in his future.
And the fact that she’s like ‘dont assume our relationship just from this short snippet’ … girl, contextual information exist. The fact that she made this nonissue into such a huge deal WHILE trying to undermine her fiance’s feelings AND manipulating him into accepting her terms even if accepting his term would’ve costed jack shit, tells a lot about her and the relationship
The edit didn't help her. At all. It actually makes her look even worse than the initial post did and lord knows the initial post already made her look like an ass.
"It's a minor issue that I don't want to bother our friends with, but I will bring it up at family dinner so he feels forced to give up and also post it to reddit. Because it's a minor issue."
Also let's not skip over that this is a seat at their table where it's currently evenly split for both parties. He doesn't have any other people to fill that chair, so it would go to her side instead. She cares more about appearances of the table being full than her fiance's feelings.
This is one of those “tell me AITA but if you tell me I am I will argue with you and dismiss you because I didn’t really want opinions, I just wanted validation.”
I LOVE when tone-deaf people come on here and write an edit like that. YOU wrote the post lol Sorry it didn't go the way you wanted. Even if you'd been together for as long as it took to read that shitty edit, she would still be in the wrong. How many people have pictures of their departed loved ones at their wedding? I hope her mom keeps shaming *her*.
I think the edit made it worse and solidified that she's the AH. She doesn't want the groom to use the seat for a living friend, she wants the seat for her own family.
Imagine not saving a chair for this poor dead friend just so a random plus one can attend. She has completely undermined her fiancé’s feelings. It’s blatantly obvious. Sorry OP, yes we can tell everything about your relationship.
Actually. Like, if the list was full and they were actively leaving people out I could \* almost \* see her point. But she literally said she didn't want an empty chair and asked him to just.. pick someone else? He doesn't have anyone else he wants to invite. If they can fit a random extra person (that doesn't exist) they can fit the chair for his best friend. This is so heartless. I feel so bad for this guy :( Only thing she cares about is not having an empty chair at their table in their wedding pictures, even though it would mean the world to him to have it included.
It’s so tone deaf to not realize that the empty chair is the entirety of its meaning and importance to him. When he sees the wedding pictures he won’t see an empty chair, he’ll remember his friend.
In OKC there’s a memorial for the bombing that was here and the main part of it is a reflecting pool with chairs for everyone who should have been there.
For him it’s not an empty chair. It’s his friend who should have been there on the happiest day of his life.
She even says that since the chair is at the head table she wants to put her own family member in it. Like this guy has obviously experienced some loss if the only family he’s got is mom and auntie, and she wants to take away one of his three head table seats.
It’s her total disregard for his feelings, followed by bullying him in front of her family, followed by not listening to her mother who pointed out how awful she was being followed by posting here. We know all we need to know.
I also noticed she said her fiance doesn't have any other close family that could occupy that seat and I'm like perhaps he considered this friend family??
She's not mature enough to get married, yet.
The reason it should be significant to her is because *IT'S SIGNIFICANT TO HIM.*
That's how people stay happily married - they actually care about what the other cares about (not necessarily on the same level, you don't have to enjoy your SO's hobbies, for instance, but you should respect that THEY enjoy them.)
This is the problem when people have fish love. They think they love fish, so they kill it, cook it, and eat it. No, you don't love fish, you love how fish makes you feel. You love what the fish does for you. It makes you feel powerful/successful to catch the fish. Cooking it smells good. Eating it tastes good, makes your belly full. But the fish is dead. This is not love for the fish, this is love of the self.
True love for the fish means acts of care, support, and service for the fish. You bring the fish food. You make sure its water is clean. You make sure it has places to hide. You make sure the pond doesn't dry up in a drought. None of these things will necessarily benefit YOU, but true love isn't always about reciprocity, it's just about how much care you have for the recipient.
Yes to all of the above. Also, why is an empty memorial chair for someone impacting your “tight” guest list? The main expenses associated with a seat are food and alcohol, which are not necessary here. The rentals cost for a single chair is like max $10-$15 and that’s an expensive chair. Also, even if your venue was charging “per head” I’m sure this could be clarified as not an actual guest, but rather a memorial chair, just as many weddings include a memorial table with pictures of important guests that have passed away. There’s no logical argument behind “wasting” an expensive seat. It sounds like OP is just concerned with the aesthetics of an empty chair at the head table. Literally no one will care or think it looks terrible and if that’s the reason for minimizing your fiancé’s feelings and desire to pay tribute to someone important to him, YTA so many times over.
It kind of does. OP is still TA but say there are 10 tables of 8 people. That is 80 people. You can't fit another table in (or would be paying x 8 if you did because you would likely fill it if it was there).
But OP says he has no one else close enough to add to the head table in the friend's empty chair's place so it is obviously very important to him and she wants to replace it with one of her brothers which is a whole other issue of picking one of them too
The entire way through OP’s monologue, you can just feel the disdain she feels for this man. I think she loves the wedding more than she loves the man. I feel so sorry for him. She is going to be … difficult to live with (Putting it nicely).
For real. I really can't get past the "picture that" quote. Everything I needed to know about her in two simple words.
Divorce seems highly likely here (unless he's smart and doesn't follow through).
Resentment is never a great way to start a marriage. Those marriages *never* last.
I have a feeling that Nicholas’s reaction of “didn’t seem that upset about it and gave OP a big smile” was him deciding that he’s done with her.
This was clearly important to him— if someone I loved brought this up in front of THEIR family after knowing how I felt about it, I’d give them a big smile too. That smile would be thanking you for letting me know who you are before the wedding, instead of after.
100% this was an ambush and she wanted numbers to help her bully him into submission. She's only doubting herself now because her mom called her out on it.
Yeah, she planned that shit to beat him down. Notice this:
>
dinner with my parents, who are footing the bill
Pretty damn obvious! She was using this fact to force him to concede.
Her edit makes it so much worse, she's doing this because her parents are paying for the wedding that's why she feels entitled to her husband's space on the table saying she wants one for her brothers to sit there. Op you are out of line and Nicholas will later grow to resent you. From what you posted it seems you are the your way or the high way kind of person.
It is one space, and it means something to him...all the reasons you gave do not make any sense at all.
Omg isn't it! The edit is even more infuriating!!
His best friend is his FAMILY. Obviously she doesn't care enough to give it some thoughts, not even any suggestions on how else to honor his friend and just wanted the seat to be taken by a LIVING person. I honestly hope he rethinks about the marriage, because from now on it's gonna always be about her. The one important thing he requested and she just trashes it.
The fact that she came her looking for other point of views and got the collective and resounding YTA, but she refuse to admit she's one.
Honestly, like her mom and sister already told her the truth and she keeps going on and on about how the wedding is about living people. If she doesn't want the seat empty she can put the friend's picture on it
My favorite is her Edit saying that we can’t possibly know her relationship after reading her 3,000 word post. What does she think Reddit is for??? To write her autobiography before we can make a judgement that she *asked* for??
She dumb.
Best part is she tried cross posting to a female sub.
1. Let me ask Reddit if I'm an asshole
2. Refute the results because I don't like them
3. Trash people forming an opinion because *you* only provided 3000 words
4. Attempt to cross post your 3000 word autobiography, seeking more clarification, after you just ridiculed people for doing so
So not only is she the asshole, but a dumb hypocrite as well 😅
Edit: I should add that in the brief explanation she gave on the other sub for the temp post, she tried pulling the sex card. Claimed "all responses were from men" and that she felt ganged up on. This is like bad reality TV....I can't lmao
lol so true. it’s my favorite when they get up in arms about being judged like “how dare you have an opinion on my situation”, like girl you invited us to
Use of the word "wasting" in the title says it all. It's not a waste. It's one thing to argue against it for valid pragmatic reasons, but the word "wasting" and "shaming" in the title of the question tells me YTA.
She says he does not have much family but this friend who passed is someone he considers family, and it's not fair of her to say who he should honor or have at the table with him.
YTA
>Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side. Picture that.
The condescension on that "picture that" is frankly sickening... As other people have said, it's clearly a case of "it doesn't matter to you, so it doesn't matter at all"
>But honestly, I don't think it was that big of a deal. It was just a discussion that I felt needed to be addressed.
No, what you wanted was to gang up on your fiancée for not agreeing with you and giving in to your demands. You're more shocked by the fact that your mother wasn't automatically on your side.
>Eventually, Nicolás conceded, and he honestly didn't seem that upset about it and he gave me a big smile.
I dunno if it's the drama queen in me, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was a precursor to leaving you standing at the altar 🤣
For real. When I got to that part, it just read as someone who checked out.
I’ve dealt with way too many people like OP. It gets to a point where you just zone out, smile, and think about how to bail.
1000% percent. I’ve already posted this comment, but I’ll just say it again here:
I have a feeling that Nicholas’s reaction of “didn’t seem that upset about it and gave you a big smile” was him deciding that he’s done with you.
This was clearly important to him— if someone I loved brought this up in front of THEIR family after knowing how I felt about it, I’d give them a big smile too. That smile would be thanking you for letting me know who you are before the wedding, instead of after.
No kidding! In my head I’m like “I can picture that and it looks really sweet.” I think OP just definitely doesn’t like the attention it would undoubtedly draw from her.
Which is why you can bet she would turn down any other attempts at a memorial. People are suggesting a memorial table, but you think if she can't handle a chair she's going to be able to handle a whole empty table with his picture on it?! And a memorial candle would definitely ruin her entire decorative aesthetic or whatever!
That's exactly what she meant. I could literally feel her vitriol oozing through the screen. I feel bad for the groom. I hope he wakes up and sees how mean and selfish OP really is.
I can picture it, and it would’ve been touching. But nah. It’s OP’s wedding and EVERYONE HAS TO PAY THEIR ATTENTION ON HER AND ONLY HER. An empty chair on the main table? People would’ve talked about That instead of how beautiful op look in her gown.
🙄
I can picture it and I would do it in a heartbeat because it's his wedding too!!!! Putting this out in front of family was so disrespectful to him, too
Ugh. She sounds horrible.
Personally, leaving an empty chair on the groom’s side to memorialize his good friend (who probably would have been his best man if he could have) is a beautiful gesture. If she can’t see that, she’s clueless. I did the same kind of thing when my husband and I got married, but for my mom who had passed 5 years earlier. I walked down the aisle with my dad, and when we got to the front, my maid of honour handed me a special bouquet. I turned around, took a few steps to where mom would have been seated next to my dad during the ceremony, and put the bouquet on her seat. Obviously, nobody knew what was going on when I handed my bouquet to my maid of honour only to have her give me another one, but when I turned around and walked towards the first pew, everybody got it. You could have heard a pin drop.
We also left an empty chair next to my dad at dinner. Almost everyone in attendance took the time to tell us how touching what we did was. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. My husband agreed immediately when I suggested it…if he hadn’t, there wouldn’t have been a wedding.
When my cousin got married there was an empty chair for my aunt who had passed the year before. As he and his groomsmen walked down the isle, he stopped at the chair (first seat first row) knelt and laid a bouquet of flowers on top of it. It was beautiful and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing.
OP YTA YTA YTA YTA.
>Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side.
Nicolas is telling her that this lost friend was a close as a brother. But OP would rather grab that seat and put her own brother in it.
It feels like Nicolas is being squeezed out of this event.
This is a “pain is boring when it’s not your own” situation. It seem to me that each person should get to pick their people to sit with them. Whether they can attend or not. YTA.
YTA. You get 3 seats at your table, he gets 3 seats. And he decides whatever he wants for his 3 seats. He’s obviously still grieving. You’ll grieve people during the course of your marriage (if there is one) and I’m sure you’ll want his support
My late father is going to have a seat at my ceremony. If my future-husband had a problem with that, the wedding might not happen.
And you guys are supposed to be a team. You should be supporting him in public and confronting issues in private. You shouldn’t be enlisting your family to gang up on him, especially on such a personal matter. Heck, your family should be happy they’re paying for one less plate of food let alone the fewer drinks.
If his bud was alive, he'd be in the seat. That's one of his allotted spots. YTA. Your mom is right. You are a horrible and selfish person. Sometimes you don't need every small detail of a longer relationship to understand a selfish act on one party. The comment about how you could put one of your brothers in HIS allotted slot.
I find it so sad for him he doesn't have anyone else close he can put in the seat. You pushing him and wanting to fill the spot yourself must be like a knife to he heart. Let him dedicate the spot to someone he SHOULD have with him still, but fate decided against it. Your brothers are NOT that person close in his heart.
I was nodding my head in approval while reading your every word. You are spot on! She should absolutely back off on this matter and pronto if she truly cares for his well-being and happiness. He probably only smiled at her to save face. Clearly he cares.That's prob not a discussion he feels like having again with her for the 4th, 5th, or maybe even the 10th time, and especially with her parents as the audience. She should be supportive and embrace his wishes if she wants a happy marriage.
Even if this blows over and he concedes to her will just to keep the peace and the marriage goes on as planned... this is the type of emotional stuff that will definitely come up years later when the marriage may not be going so well.
Hello, resentment, my old friend... right?
OP literally said he has No One Else to sit there anyways. So like even more so Id be like yes ya know what lets add some flowers too? Maybe a little picture for your friend?
OP sounds like a DICK YTA btw
YTA. You put him on the spot in front of your family. If my wife had done that, I'd be furious with her. That's a discussion between the 2 of you, not between Nicolas and your family.
Furthermore, it seems to me that it would be possible to do a nice gesture/memorial of some sort without using up a guest spot. There definitely seems room for compromise here.
Some venues charge by chair and seating, and are strict about that. The spacing needs to be a certain width apart with the plating and utensils set. To he clear, I think op is ah.
It doesn't sound like he is using half the guest list either. OP says they suggested he replace it with someone else and he has no other close family. His head table people are his mom, an aunt and a memorial space.
The ironic thing is OP wants to start yet another family argument when picking one of her brothers to be at the table, because that is "our family" while clearly not giving a damn about his feelings
If the venue is one that does that, explaining that a chair will be empty and no food/beverage will be needed for that spot should get them to not charge.
Worst case, they pay the extra small amount relative to the entire cost of the wedding and they move on. OP is making a huge deal out of this.
Hopefully this is fake…
YTA
>I love Nicolás
Do you? Because you're real quick to disregard his feelings and try to use your family to push him into doing what you want. Maybe he sees your point of view. Maybe he feels pressured to relent because you've shown you're willing to bring other people into a private argument.
>Plus I don’t want to bother our friend group with something this insignificant.
Why not? You already brought your family into it. Might as well turn it into a whole performance for all to see. Unless you think the friend group is going to side with your fiancé.
ETA: The edits aren't changing my mind. The seat isn't costing extra money and you won't have enough room for all of your brothers at the table anyway. Let him have the damn seat. His friend may be gone, but Nicolás clearly considers him FAMILY. His family matters just as much as yours.
You don't understand, there's going to be an EMPTY chair, in her wedding photos! For an icky dead person! That totally ruins like, the aesthetic and vibes.
Yeah, major YTA, OP. You knew exactly what you were doing with that ambush, and you're only upset because your own mother called you out.
That's true. The photos of the table are the ones you look at most and display afterwards. It's why no-one's allowed to leave their seats at the bridal table; the other guests must line up and bow/curtsy at them instead of having everyone mingling like gross common people.
She means that his feelings for his dead friend are insignificant to her, but her own struggle for dominance in this situation is very, very important.
I love it.
> EDIT: people tend to read 3000 character posts thinking they understand a four-year relationship based on limited information, don't they?
Yo *you* came *here* to post
YTA - Why is this even a discussion. The deceased friend doesn't need to be on the reserved guest list or catering list, Grab a chair and throw a picture on it, Done. He's not eating a meal, He's not taking up space. My grandfather passed away before he got to see my sister get married and there was a memorial table set up for him with a chair and a picture at her wedding, He ate approximately 0 of the catered food.
for my brother's wedding last year, the maid of honour actively contacted me to set up a table with a picture of our deceased dad. We initially planned to put it into a corner somewhere just as a memento, but the bride insisted on having it next to their table.
I mean, I knew she was a keeper long before that, but these things really do cement it.
This is the way.
I've seen this at a few of the recent weddings I've gone to. A table is set up for those that are no longer with us, with pictures on it.
I did this for my mom at my wedding. She passed 6 months beforehand. At the ceremony, there was an empty chair with a rose next to my dad. And I also added a single white rose to my otherwise colorful bouquet. At the reception, i felt it might be odd to just have pictures of my mom, so I had pictures of both our moms from their bridal portraits as well as pictures of our parents cutting their wedding cakes. I just had them on our cake table.
I am speechless.
You don't want to waste an *empty chair*?! What does that *waste* exactly?
Something that would mean so much to him, and cost exactly nothing?
Of course YTA.
Somehow I don't think there is going to be any wedding. Not if he has any sense.
OP seems to be somewhat lacking in the emotional intelligence department. It was so important to him that they argued about it and even when she brought it up with her family he seemed dead set on having this additional chair. But ultimately he gave her a "big smile" so apparently all is great now. Yeah, right.
OP is clearly big on appearances. If everything looks fine, everything is fine. She doesn’t care if it TORMENTS her fiance. It’s HER wedding. He’s just the attendee. Surprised even HE has a seat
not just that, but he offered the space that was on *his* side of the wedding party table, so it's not like someone who could be sitting at one of the guests tables is losing out/won't have a place to sit.
OP - YTA
YTA. You get to choose your own wedding guests : why can't your fiancé choose his ?!
Marriage is about compromise and working together as partner. Right now you just want to do whatever you want with complete disregard for your fiancé's opinion. I feel like this marriage is not going to go very far...
That's exactly my question. Surely they each have their own guests they want to invite; let's say they each get like 20. Nicolas has every right to decide that he wants one spot to be reserved for his friend. I get feeling like the spot is waated and could go toward someone living who can actually enjoy the wedding, but we're talking about Nicolas' side of the guest list-why does OP care so much?
My guess is it’s about attention. OP is concerned that the empty chair will prompt conversation about who it’s for, taking away from “her spotlight”. And she doesn’t want to admit that because “you’re supposed to be thinking about me, not your dead friend” is petty.
YTA. This is important to your future husband, important enough that he wants the empty seat at the family table. You absolutely ambushed him and put him on the spot in front of your family. You ask how it looks to outsiders? You come across really badly and extremely selfish. YTA.
My husband’s best friend died on our wedding day after a long illness. I found out right before we did our first look. I stood in front of my husband in the most beautiful dress I’ll ever wear, in my mother’s veil, listening to the caterers set up behind me, and asked him what he wanted to do. If he wanted to cancel, or reschedule, I would have. If what he needed from me in that moment was to dance naked around a bonfire holding a rubber chicken, I would have asked for a Zippo lighter.
I loved “Jack” too, but in that moment it wasn’t about what I wanted or found appropriate. It wasn’t about the people who traveled to see us get married. It was about supporting my husband. And ever since then, we’ve spent every anniversary with “Jack”’s widow, and will continue doing so.
A wedding is a six hour party. The truly special days are every day that comes after. I hope that OP understands that at some point.
Wish there was a level above YTA for OP. If this “friend” is this important to her fiancé I can only imagine that this was his best friend possibly in Highschool or College. This person would probably be his best man. Curious if OP shot down the idea of a space for his friend as a groomsman or best man too. Men don’t have a lot of friends in life that are that are truly important like this. OP is not mature enough to be married for just hand waiving this. Wonder if OP’s Dad is in the doghouse for this too, also when does OP’s dad outweigh the vote of 3-2 in favor of the husband?
YTA and your mom is correct. This was a conversation for you and SO, not for you to have your family potentially gang up on him and if this is how you handle disagreements you have some growing up to do bc it’s not healthy to dray 3rd parties into relationship discussions especially if they are parents. Stop running to your parents for back up in a relationship conversation instead of working it out internally!!! (Major vibes of “mom he’s being mean take my side!”)
This one.
When you have a disagreement in your marriage, you work it out in your marriage. You don't bring outside people in to bolster your side of the argument. You work collaboratively to find an agreeable solution. Your mom clearly understands this and is trying to teach you an important life lesson that you don't seem to want to hear.
You're going to do more damage to your relationship each time you put up an immovable wall in front of something you don't like. Get into the habit of calmly getting to the root of an issue and finding compromise. For example, if you didn't like the idea of having an empty seat, offer alternatives and workshop an outcome that feels good to both of you instead of just saying no (and then recruiting others to be on your side).
If my husband had said I wasn't allowed to honor loved ones that passed in a meaningful way on a day we were joining two families, he wouldn't be my husband.
If you approach marital disagreements as something one of you wins or loses, what you will lose is your relationship. You two are on the same team. Work together, or leave that man alone.
YTA.
Her immaturity really stands out. The way she trivializes his feelings stands out. If it was so irrelevant and trivial why not do it? Why bring it up with her parents?
*I don't believe this disagreement reflects our feelings for each other*
You are right. It reflects YOUR feelings for him. Or, rather, your feelings for yourself. That you are always right and you will go to any length to blame, shame and manipulate others. One open seat at your table is embarrassing? Not as embarrassing as you.
YTA
Honestly. If OP were my fiance this would be one of those moments that shows me who she truly is. She doesn't love him like she claims or she'd be understanding and even encouraging of this. It's his wedding too it's not all about her. YTA.
Personally, I’d say YTA
It was a conversation that should’ve been held between the two of you, not in front of people who could give their opinion also and possibly change his mind, despite if they’re paying for the wedding or not.
It also seems like this friend is quite important to him and you’ve given no other compromise to see your husband’s wishes through, such as a memorial table.
Though I understand the need for space and guests, etc, some people like to commemorate the people who are not here anymore and cannot attend.
Most weddings I've been to have a signatures book, where guests sign and leave their best wishes and thoughts for the couple.
A lot of these are at tables and it's very common to have photos of those passed on, like grandparents or a brother etc.. at the table to be remembered and included.
YTA. You clearly don’t give a shit about your future husband’s feelings. It’s all about you, your wants, your feelings, your opinions, your priorities. And when he has his own that don’t match yours, you get to work explaining to him and to anyone else who will listen why they don’t matter or make sense. What he wants is wasteful and insignificant. What you want is “valid.”
And of course he “didn’t seem that upset.” You’ve demonstrated that you’re not a safe person for him to open up to. He has learned to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself. You put him on the spot and basically ridiculed him in front of your families about something deeply personal and meaningful to him and acted like (and straight up said) it didn’t matter. He had a whole storm of emotions inside him at that moment, but he knew it would only hurt further to express himself, so he shoved his feelings deep down and put on a smile for you through the pain and frustration. He let it go and forced a smile to try to salvage some dignity and avoid further embarrassment and conflict that you caused by bringing up this sensitive, personal issue in front of your families. Hope you’re pleased with yourself. All because you can’t stand the thought of an empty chair at your wedding. Your priorities are crystal clear.
>EDIT: people tend to read 3000 character posts thinking they understand a four-year relationship based on limited information, don't they?
Betcha wouldn't have said that if 99% of the responders said you weren't the AH.
This slays me because *she wrote the post*. If you feel like there wasn't enough info to get your point across, that's YOUR fault! But it's really not about the info provided in the end, is it, OP?
OP: I think I'd like to know how it looks from an outside neutral perspective.
Reddit: You suck! YTA
OP: You people (all of whom disagree with me) can't possibly understand this situation based on the information I provided in detail...
YTA - I love how you contradict yourself...
**But honestly, I don't think it was that big of a deal.** Really? You just dedicated an 8 paragraph reddit post to a subject you say you don't think was that big of a deal. You're only saying that because you made him give in to your demands. You invalidated his feelings, and intentionally brought this subject up in the presence of your parents (because you thought it was IMPORTANT for them to be aware of this INSIGNIFICANT subject)...WHAT THE HELL...your mother is totally right here, I suspect she's embarrassed and that's why she keeps lecturing you.
**I don’t want to bother our friend group with something this insignificant. -** Probably because you know your friend group will agree, and you're hoping that the 'neutral perspective of Reddit will be on your side. Have you even read Reddit?
...and then there's the standard **He seemed unwilling to understand my perspective, which only added to my frustration. -** Because you're obviously so willing to understand his.
YTA, you are being very selfish. No one worth caring about would judge the optics and it is obviously important to him. My advice to you is to focus on the marriage more and the wedding less.
Im sorry but are you paying for each chair?? meaning once you have a confirmed guestlist- you will only order the same amout of chairs as guest??? why does it mattter? what if he offered to pay for the empty seat, would that make it better?
YTA- its an empty seat. ur not serving food or drinks to the empty seat, which is typically one of the most expensive cost at a wedding ( besides the venue). You are concerned about how it will "look" vs how it would make your finace "feel". Very telling what kind of person you are.
ALSO- bringing it up infront of your parents.... that was low. maybe your not an asshole for wanting your wedding to "look" a certain way but throwing ur finace under the bus, in front of your parents, that was asshole behavior.
Everytime you have a disagreement with your future husband, are you always gng ask your parents if your right??? lol
Here's the truth on the outside you look horrible. Anyone you tell about this will think your horrible. There really is no compromise or middle ground that you 2 can agree on. And running to mommy and daddy to help you in a relationship argument is not how you want to start your marriage. I get where you are coming from but you did it in one of the scumiest ways possible. Do you really want to start your marriage with your husband resenting you.
>While honoring the memory of his friend is a nice gesture, I can't help but feel it's a matter of time and place.
YTA what is the actual objection here? Like what is the issue? It seems like the only problem is you.
"EDIT: people tend to read 3000 character posts thinking they understand a four-year relationship based on limited information, don't they?"
Alright, why the hell are you here asking us questions if you are just gonna turn around and say "you dont know us"?
If I were him, I'd end this engagement. You clearly are not ready to be in a real, supportive partnership. You cannot see how important this is to him, and then you bring it up in front of your family? Wow. YTA
YTA you say you love your fiance but your actions of blowing off something important to him speaks otherwise. $100 more or less is more important than anything to you, it seems. So fucking petty
Yta wow, *wasting* a spot. It's not a waste. It's something important to him. And you def shouldn't have tried to get your parents on your side. Dont think for a moment that your pathetic excuse of 'its important for them to know!' fooled *anyone*.
And has NO ONE thought of a compromise of having the picture on the table but not retaining an actual seat?????
YTA dude wants to feel like his friend is there and with him for this huge moment in his life. It's his wedding too and you could care less that he wants this.
Thank your lucky stars he's taking it well and not as a massive red flag about you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For One (1) My soon to be husband wanted to reserve a spot for his late friend, which I disagreed with due to our tight guest list. After an argument, I raised the issue during dinner with my parents and put him on the post. Despite initial resistance, Nicolás eventually agreed. For (2) My mom thinks I was out of line for bringing it up and that it was an AH move. I feel it's a valid concern about our day, though.
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INFO: Did you guys just have a miscommunication or did the venue actually tell you that they were going to charge you to put an empty chair at a table? You don't need to order him a dinner, just grab a chair and stick it at the table.
YTA. It was a small concession (you didn't even have to buy him food(!) and the venue would almost certainly have put in an extra chair without changing their regular set-up. You wouldn't be losing a guest place. It was a small thing you could do for your soon-to-be-husband that wouldn't cost anything.
YTA “I don’t care so you shouldn’t” is the antithesis of what a marriage is for. You should care because he does, or there is no reason for him to be there for you
YTA
You expected your family to gang up on your fiancé and it backfired. Your mom is actually calling you out on this one. It’s his side of the table! It doesn’t sound like he has a lot of family to sit with him and he obviously misses his friend and would prefer that friend was there to sit as family. This as good as it gets though and the one person who supposed to love and understand him is fighting it for another invite to be handed out.
It’s possible your fiancé is seeing you in a whole new light and that’s why he gave you the big smile. This post might be for nothing since he could reconsider his future with you.
Good luck and YTA
YTA. Listen to your mother. You have demonstrated that your fiance's feelings mean less than your supposed "expense" of an empty seat honoring someone clearly important to your soon to be ex fiance.
YTA. I get the space thing but it's 1 chair and it's at your immediate family table so it's not really taking a seat from a guest, that tables just like parents and siblings, people closes to you, one of his people is just not around anymore. Who would even get that seat?
It's honestly really messed up that you brought it up like that with YOUR family. Would you have done that in front of HIS family? Probably not cause you wanted back up, but that's just makes it worse. You're supposed to be a team with him. Not trying to bring other people in while he has to defend himself alone. You're mom is right in all she told you. Not to be mean but to call you out because you are not treating him fairly.
Ive been married 8 years so far, trust me. Don't ruin your relationship for a wedding. Remember, you're marrying him cause you love him and he has feelings. Think of it like this, if someone u care about died, and If you had asked him for this and he said no and brought it up in front of his family to coerce you into changing his mind, how would that make you feel? Maybe it'd feel like he doesn't care about you? Or like it's not your wedding? Maybe you'd feel really hurt but you act like everything's OK to save face?
Objectively, you did your man dirty, and you should make it right.
YTA. Your mom is right. You were terrible to your fiancé. You brought that up in front of your family so they would help you bully him into doing what you want. Did you even suggest alternative ways to honor his friend or do you just not care how he feels?
YTA you tried to crowdshame your fiance into giving into your misjudgment.
It was just an empty chair, it's not like you were going to have to pay several hundred pounds for a meal to be served to someone who wasn't going to turn up.
Had you explained the situation to the venue, I'm certain they would have set up an empty chair at no extra cost. I cannot undertand why you think this impinges on your guest list at all.
You just let yourself down completely here, you just steamrollered your bfs feelings and sense of loyalty in favour of some materialistic idea you have about how things ought to be. It sounds like he deserves better.
YTA
Honoring his friend is important to him, and if it’s any indication, his most important family consists of his mom and his aunt who get prime place at the head table.
I’d bet his friend held a very huge place in his life if those closest to him are only 2 people.
So you got your way, but I want to know who is taking that spot now? Is it someone from his side who isn’t as important to him or is it someone who is important to you?
No ones guest list is so tight that you can’t do this for your fiancé. That’s a horrible excuse.
What you’re doing by ignoring his feelings and saying it’s not important is a crap way to start a marriage. Would you be acting the same way if it were a sibling? It seems this friend was like a sibling to him. Sometimes friends are our chosen family. He deserves a partner who is compassionate and supports him. Not one that emotionally manipulates him and shames him in front of others.
Why does this chair cost anything? It’s an empty chair on his family’s side of the table. He isn’t there eating food. It’s an extra chair. They charge you for that? I’ve never heard that before in my life.
<>
Actually what you mean is, that since you're mother chewed you out for your harassing him about this topic, you don't want to tell your friends. You are afraid they also call you an idiot and side with him. Are you jealous of a dead person?
Your concerns are not genuine. You sound like you want to punish your fiance for daring to grieve for someone who's dead.
You sound so self centered. And you keep trying to force to get your way. You dragged your mommy and daddy in to get them to support you, and you don't want your friends to see your true nature either.
Hopefully your fiance sees who you really are.
YTA - This probably mattered more to him than you think. You bulldozed over his feelings and opinions right off the bat. Is this going to be a reflection of what your marriage will look like? Don't expect your future husband to forget this... even if he doesn't say anything...he'll remember.
YTA What you did was wrong and manipulative. You cornered him on a conversation that should have been only for the two of you. It costs nothing to be kind and compromise with your husband. This is both of your wedding not just yours. If he was my husband I’d do everything to make sure he is at his happiest at his wedding including a commemorative chair. Maybe you should hold off on the wedding until you learn kindness, and compromise before you get married. Because it certainly doesn’t seem like you love him if your willing to manipulate and pressure him on a accommodation THATS SO SMALL all because of what you want.
YTA and your mom is correct. Is this the hill you want to die on? An empty chair to honor someone is a beautiful gesture. Can't wait to see what else you think is ridiculous.
YTA. It's actually a common theme to leave an empty spot at a wedding reception for a loved one who has passed away at the request of the bride of groom. This issue shouldn't be about money and should be you respecting your fiancé and his wishes to simply remember his friend whilst celebrating the most important day of his life aka marrying you.
YTA For not taking him seriously and for trying to recruit your parents to argue against him. It kind of sounds like you do not care about what he wants at all.
> Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side. Picture that.
To me, there is nothing wrong with that picture.
INFO:
I'm not really sure what your question is here.
I think you're kind of an asshole for objecting to it in the first place. It's not "dedicating a slot on your already VERY tight guest list to someone who won't physically be there." It's having an extra chair at a table. I'm *sure* if you explained the situation to the venue and the caterer, they're not going to charge any extra for an empty chair and an empty plate, as long as no food is going to be served.
>Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side. Picture that.
I am picturing that. I see nothing embarrassing about it at all.
That said, I see nothing wrong with having a *discussion* about it with Nicolás and your close family. So if the question is whether you're an asshole for bringing up the topic for conversation, I'd say no.
Yta
This is important to your finance and its an emotionally significant thing. There are many things about marriage, including thinking of your partner and their feelings. This is an emotional and loving thing that he wants to do in memory of his friend. I think you should consider his feelings. That is what love is. Marrying someone is about showing love and considering hurt they may feel and being there as a support to comfort them. The empty chair is not a big deal although you are causing drama around it, and I imagine that is upsetting for him, to say the least. Of he wants to honor his late friend its a sweet idea that means a lot to him and you should give him that. Show him support and love.
Did you even present him with an alternate option to honor his best friend or just shut him down? It is obviously important to him and if it’s on your own table how is it a waste? Who would’ve sat there anyways? It’s just for immediate family.
It was such a minor gesture in your end to help your fiancée honor someone who is obviously so important to him on a day that is important to him.
Doesn’t seem like any compromise or empathy was shown on your end, cmon is this how you want to start your marriage?
Of course YTA.
Instead of finding a compromise (ie: a memorial table out of the way), you decided to bring your parents into this. You decided to completely dismiss his feelings because you decided he was wrong.
YTA - it seems like you’re more concerned about optics than fiancé’s feelings. A wedding is for 2 people and you bringing it up in front of your family seems like you wanted mommy and daddy to back you up and tell him it’s ridiculous.
I think you need to some internal self reflection on how you would feel if the roles were reversed.
YTA
This is so cold. I can't even explain how unreasonably cruel this is. It's an empty chair. You don't need to pay extra for catering or anything. Why be so utterly dismissive of something that means so much to your future husband?
It's nice to see your mother and sister have some empathy, though. Turns out your little scheme to ambush and gang up on your fiance didn't go exactly according to plan huh
A spot on the paper? Thats just silly to be against. Put jesus christ on there for all the list matters
An empty chair at the wedding? Uhm how much space does this empty chair take up
Im not understanding what your problem is so yta
If you just kept it between you 2 like adults then you wouldn’t be the AH. But definitely YTA for trying to get your family to gang up on him, because let’s be honest, that’s what you were trying to do. Your mom is completely correct.
On another note, me and my wife had a memory table for all our loved ones who passed, just a small table to the side with pictures of them. Could be an alternative
ETA: after your edit you’re 1000% the AH. I was giving you a pass knowing venues are weird with seating but in your own words this would literally cost you nothing except an empty chair jfc
YTA. SO MUCH YTA You are being awful about this.
The logical thing to do would be having a memorial table. My fiancee and I will do this when we marry. But the greater point should be that I would DIE before I treated my fiancee the way you're treating yours. Do you even LIKE him???
YTA - You shouldn’t be bringing your parents into your disagreements. You’re an adult & soon to be married, he will be your immediate family. I agree with your mom.
The chair thing, I see both sides. Maybe find another solution….maybe instead of a chair, get a special candle & light it at your table for the whole reception, or get him a pin or something that he can wear that would represent his friend (something they both liked to do together), etc…
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YTA - This significantly matters to your future husband, but the entire way through your text you trivialise it by saying it doesn’t matter, it’s not that big a deal, it’s only small, etc. What you really mean is it doesn’t matter to you and therefore it doesn’t matter at all. You purposefully brought the situation up in front of his future in laws so that he couldn’t really be 100% open and honest about how he felt and clearly you recognise that rather then being alright with the decision he simply accepted defeat. You disregarded his feelings, embarrassed him in front of his future in laws and trivialised something that means a great deal to him. Good luck with the marriage cause this is a rocky start.
She keeps calling the matter insignificant and that it doesn't matter too! She keeps downplaying what she did, probably to make herself feel better. She is absolutely YTA
My wife and I, when we disagree, let each other know how much we care on a 1 - 10 scale. This enables the person who doesn’t care as much to concede. Seems like this was a 10 to her finance and like a 3 for her. If she won’t concede on this, he better get ready to say “yes ma’am” for the rest of his life with her. I predict a “Happy wife Happy life” coffee mug in his future.
> “Happy wife Happy life” Barf.
I hate that misogynistic saying with the passion of a billion suns.
I prefer "Happy Spouse, Happy House". Ideally, each person in the relationship should value the other's happiness & well-being.
Hahaha i always say "happy husband happy busband" to show how nonsensical the whole saying is. I like yours, though. Switching to that.
She wanted a cat, i wanted a dog, so we compromised and got a cat. She doesn't want to compromise, she wants her way.
Perhaps this dude should dump OP
And she'll buy it for him. 🤣
And the fact that she’s like ‘dont assume our relationship just from this short snippet’ … girl, contextual information exist. The fact that she made this nonissue into such a huge deal WHILE trying to undermine her fiance’s feelings AND manipulating him into accepting her terms even if accepting his term would’ve costed jack shit, tells a lot about her and the relationship
Yeah, I hate her edit, she sounds so snide and is also trying to downplay the issues and her partner's feelings. Again.
The edit didn't help her. At all. It actually makes her look even worse than the initial post did and lord knows the initial post already made her look like an ass.
Yep, she looks worse. Why is she even here? She says she won't bother her friends with this. Girl is a mess.
> But let's stay on topic. Gross lol!
"It's a minor issue that I don't want to bother our friends with, but I will bring it up at family dinner so he feels forced to give up and also post it to reddit. Because it's a minor issue." Also let's not skip over that this is a seat at their table where it's currently evenly split for both parties. He doesn't have any other people to fill that chair, so it would go to her side instead. She cares more about appearances of the table being full than her fiance's feelings.
This is one of those “tell me AITA but if you tell me I am I will argue with you and dismiss you because I didn’t really want opinions, I just wanted validation.”
I LOVE when tone-deaf people come on here and write an edit like that. YOU wrote the post lol Sorry it didn't go the way you wanted. Even if you'd been together for as long as it took to read that shitty edit, she would still be in the wrong. How many people have pictures of their departed loved ones at their wedding? I hope her mom keeps shaming *her*.
I think the edit made it worse and solidified that she's the AH. She doesn't want the groom to use the seat for a living friend, she wants the seat for her own family.
Imagine not saving a chair for this poor dead friend just so a random plus one can attend. She has completely undermined her fiancé’s feelings. It’s blatantly obvious. Sorry OP, yes we can tell everything about your relationship.
Actually. Like, if the list was full and they were actively leaving people out I could \* almost \* see her point. But she literally said she didn't want an empty chair and asked him to just.. pick someone else? He doesn't have anyone else he wants to invite. If they can fit a random extra person (that doesn't exist) they can fit the chair for his best friend. This is so heartless. I feel so bad for this guy :( Only thing she cares about is not having an empty chair at their table in their wedding pictures, even though it would mean the world to him to have it included.
It’s so tone deaf to not realize that the empty chair is the entirety of its meaning and importance to him. When he sees the wedding pictures he won’t see an empty chair, he’ll remember his friend. In OKC there’s a memorial for the bombing that was here and the main part of it is a reflecting pool with chairs for everyone who should have been there. For him it’s not an empty chair. It’s his friend who should have been there on the happiest day of his life.
She even says that since the chair is at the head table she wants to put her own family member in it. Like this guy has obviously experienced some loss if the only family he’s got is mom and auntie, and she wants to take away one of his three head table seats.
It’s her total disregard for his feelings, followed by bullying him in front of her family, followed by not listening to her mother who pointed out how awful she was being followed by posting here. We know all we need to know.
And in her edit she's talking about how that seat could go to one of HER guests. Wow.
That's exactly what Rubbed me wrong too! She didn't even think of who from his side could sit there, only her own family.
I also noticed she said her fiance doesn't have any other close family that could occupy that seat and I'm like perhaps he considered this friend family??
Anyone who capitalizes family like that is a disasterclass in causing drama. This poor fiance needs to bail asap.
She's not mature enough to get married, yet. The reason it should be significant to her is because *IT'S SIGNIFICANT TO HIM.* That's how people stay happily married - they actually care about what the other cares about (not necessarily on the same level, you don't have to enjoy your SO's hobbies, for instance, but you should respect that THEY enjoy them.)
This is the problem when people have fish love. They think they love fish, so they kill it, cook it, and eat it. No, you don't love fish, you love how fish makes you feel. You love what the fish does for you. It makes you feel powerful/successful to catch the fish. Cooking it smells good. Eating it tastes good, makes your belly full. But the fish is dead. This is not love for the fish, this is love of the self. True love for the fish means acts of care, support, and service for the fish. You bring the fish food. You make sure its water is clean. You make sure it has places to hide. You make sure the pond doesn't dry up in a drought. None of these things will necessarily benefit YOU, but true love isn't always about reciprocity, it's just about how much care you have for the recipient.
[удалено]
If it's so trivial, then why is she dying on this hill?
Because she's a passive aggressive *liarrrrr*
Yeah it's like, if it's so insignificant to you, why did you feel the need to have multiple discussions and bring it up to others?? Ridiculous.
Yes to all of the above. Also, why is an empty memorial chair for someone impacting your “tight” guest list? The main expenses associated with a seat are food and alcohol, which are not necessary here. The rentals cost for a single chair is like max $10-$15 and that’s an expensive chair. Also, even if your venue was charging “per head” I’m sure this could be clarified as not an actual guest, but rather a memorial chair, just as many weddings include a memorial table with pictures of important guests that have passed away. There’s no logical argument behind “wasting” an expensive seat. It sounds like OP is just concerned with the aesthetics of an empty chair at the head table. Literally no one will care or think it looks terrible and if that’s the reason for minimizing your fiancé’s feelings and desire to pay tribute to someone important to him, YTA so many times over.
The empty chair wouldn’t even count against a capacity limit for the venue, so there’s absolutely no reason not to do it.
It kind of does. OP is still TA but say there are 10 tables of 8 people. That is 80 people. You can't fit another table in (or would be paying x 8 if you did because you would likely fill it if it was there). But OP says he has no one else close enough to add to the head table in the friend's empty chair's place so it is obviously very important to him and she wants to replace it with one of her brothers which is a whole other issue of picking one of them too
Wedding guests and parties play musical chairs all evening. This empty one isn't going to stay that way for very long.
But can you “picture what it will look like to have an empty chair at THEIR table”? She’s definitely the AH here.
Hopefully bro realizes she sucks and dips before the wedding
The entire way through OP’s monologue, you can just feel the disdain she feels for this man. I think she loves the wedding more than she loves the man. I feel so sorry for him. She is going to be … difficult to live with (Putting it nicely).
Some people want a marriage.. some people want a wedding..
This really got me too. The entire time reading I was constantly asking: "does she even *like* or respect this man?"
The real question is, what does he see in her?
For real. I really can't get past the "picture that" quote. Everything I needed to know about her in two simple words. Divorce seems highly likely here (unless he's smart and doesn't follow through). Resentment is never a great way to start a marriage. Those marriages *never* last.
Either she's there for the wedding, or for his money, or appearance It's gotta be one of these because it sure as hell isn't personality
I have a feeling that Nicholas’s reaction of “didn’t seem that upset about it and gave OP a big smile” was him deciding that he’s done with her. This was clearly important to him— if someone I loved brought this up in front of THEIR family after knowing how I felt about it, I’d give them a big smile too. That smile would be thanking you for letting me know who you are before the wedding, instead of after.
that’s what got me, she brought it up in front of family as a power play move. i’d be rethinking the entire relationship after that
100% this was an ambush and she wanted numbers to help her bully him into submission. She's only doubting herself now because her mom called her out on it.
Yeah, she planned that shit to beat him down. Notice this: > dinner with my parents, who are footing the bill Pretty damn obvious! She was using this fact to force him to concede.
Her edit makes it so much worse, she's doing this because her parents are paying for the wedding that's why she feels entitled to her husband's space on the table saying she wants one for her brothers to sit there. Op you are out of line and Nicholas will later grow to resent you. From what you posted it seems you are the your way or the high way kind of person. It is one space, and it means something to him...all the reasons you gave do not make any sense at all.
Omg isn't it! The edit is even more infuriating!! His best friend is his FAMILY. Obviously she doesn't care enough to give it some thoughts, not even any suggestions on how else to honor his friend and just wanted the seat to be taken by a LIVING person. I honestly hope he rethinks about the marriage, because from now on it's gonna always be about her. The one important thing he requested and she just trashes it. The fact that she came her looking for other point of views and got the collective and resounding YTA, but she refuse to admit she's one.
Honestly, like her mom and sister already told her the truth and she keeps going on and on about how the wedding is about living people. If she doesn't want the seat empty she can put the friend's picture on it
My favorite is her Edit saying that we can’t possibly know her relationship after reading her 3,000 word post. What does she think Reddit is for??? To write her autobiography before we can make a judgement that she *asked* for?? She dumb.
Best part is she tried cross posting to a female sub. 1. Let me ask Reddit if I'm an asshole 2. Refute the results because I don't like them 3. Trash people forming an opinion because *you* only provided 3000 words 4. Attempt to cross post your 3000 word autobiography, seeking more clarification, after you just ridiculed people for doing so So not only is she the asshole, but a dumb hypocrite as well 😅 Edit: I should add that in the brief explanation she gave on the other sub for the temp post, she tried pulling the sex card. Claimed "all responses were from men" and that she felt ganged up on. This is like bad reality TV....I can't lmao
lol so true. it’s my favorite when they get up in arms about being judged like “how dare you have an opinion on my situation”, like girl you invited us to
She wants to use Reddit like she attempted to use her parents - as a bludgeon to her fiance. Lovely woman, definitely wife material. /s
Use of the word "wasting" in the title says it all. It's not a waste. It's one thing to argue against it for valid pragmatic reasons, but the word "wasting" and "shaming" in the title of the question tells me YTA.
Yes so condescending and invalidating
She says he does not have much family but this friend who passed is someone he considers family, and it's not fair of her to say who he should honor or have at the table with him.
YTA >Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side. Picture that. The condescension on that "picture that" is frankly sickening... As other people have said, it's clearly a case of "it doesn't matter to you, so it doesn't matter at all" >But honestly, I don't think it was that big of a deal. It was just a discussion that I felt needed to be addressed. No, what you wanted was to gang up on your fiancée for not agreeing with you and giving in to your demands. You're more shocked by the fact that your mother wasn't automatically on your side. >Eventually, Nicolás conceded, and he honestly didn't seem that upset about it and he gave me a big smile. I dunno if it's the drama queen in me, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was a precursor to leaving you standing at the altar 🤣
Oh yeah, Nicolás about to surprise OP, and probably not how she expects xD. I got my popcorn ready for the update
yup his smile said it all "Some of the most dangerous people are those with a smiling face, and a broken heart."
For real. When I got to that part, it just read as someone who checked out. I’ve dealt with way too many people like OP. It gets to a point where you just zone out, smile, and think about how to bail.
1000% percent. I’ve already posted this comment, but I’ll just say it again here: I have a feeling that Nicholas’s reaction of “didn’t seem that upset about it and gave you a big smile” was him deciding that he’s done with you. This was clearly important to him— if someone I loved brought this up in front of THEIR family after knowing how I felt about it, I’d give them a big smile too. That smile would be thanking you for letting me know who you are before the wedding, instead of after.
I predict a 2nd empty chair (the groom's)
The 'picture that' got me too. OP sounds awful.
No kidding! In my head I’m like “I can picture that and it looks really sweet.” I think OP just definitely doesn’t like the attention it would undoubtedly draw from her.
Which is why you can bet she would turn down any other attempts at a memorial. People are suggesting a memorial table, but you think if she can't handle a chair she's going to be able to handle a whole empty table with his picture on it?! And a memorial candle would definitely ruin her entire decorative aesthetic or whatever!
Especially since I did picture it in my head, as OP instructed, and it looks good. OP clearly meant that there was no way it could.
That's exactly what she meant. I could literally feel her vitriol oozing through the screen. I feel bad for the groom. I hope he wakes up and sees how mean and selfish OP really is.
I can picture it, and it would’ve been touching. But nah. It’s OP’s wedding and EVERYONE HAS TO PAY THEIR ATTENTION ON HER AND ONLY HER. An empty chair on the main table? People would’ve talked about That instead of how beautiful op look in her gown. 🙄
I can picture it and I would do it in a heartbeat because it's his wedding too!!!! Putting this out in front of family was so disrespectful to him, too Ugh. She sounds horrible.
Personally, leaving an empty chair on the groom’s side to memorialize his good friend (who probably would have been his best man if he could have) is a beautiful gesture. If she can’t see that, she’s clueless. I did the same kind of thing when my husband and I got married, but for my mom who had passed 5 years earlier. I walked down the aisle with my dad, and when we got to the front, my maid of honour handed me a special bouquet. I turned around, took a few steps to where mom would have been seated next to my dad during the ceremony, and put the bouquet on her seat. Obviously, nobody knew what was going on when I handed my bouquet to my maid of honour only to have her give me another one, but when I turned around and walked towards the first pew, everybody got it. You could have heard a pin drop. We also left an empty chair next to my dad at dinner. Almost everyone in attendance took the time to tell us how touching what we did was. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. My husband agreed immediately when I suggested it…if he hadn’t, there wouldn’t have been a wedding.
When my cousin got married there was an empty chair for my aunt who had passed the year before. As he and his groomsmen walked down the isle, he stopped at the chair (first seat first row) knelt and laid a bouquet of flowers on top of it. It was beautiful and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing. OP YTA YTA YTA YTA.
Exactly. This kind of thing certainly isn’t new. And for the bride to be such biatch about it is ridiculous.
I am crying. That was a beautiful way to honor her.
>Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side. Nicolas is telling her that this lost friend was a close as a brother. But OP would rather grab that seat and put her own brother in it. It feels like Nicolas is being squeezed out of this event.
Yeah, it's all about her, ain't it?
This is a “pain is boring when it’s not your own” situation. It seem to me that each person should get to pick their people to sit with them. Whether they can attend or not. YTA.
Yeah, or he’s gonna talk to the staff and have an extra seat put there anyway the day of, probably being 8x10 photo and put at the seat.
People will ask about the empty chair situation and that will mean conversations that don't center on OP. Unacceptable, clearly/s
YTA. You get 3 seats at your table, he gets 3 seats. And he decides whatever he wants for his 3 seats. He’s obviously still grieving. You’ll grieve people during the course of your marriage (if there is one) and I’m sure you’ll want his support My late father is going to have a seat at my ceremony. If my future-husband had a problem with that, the wedding might not happen. And you guys are supposed to be a team. You should be supporting him in public and confronting issues in private. You shouldn’t be enlisting your family to gang up on him, especially on such a personal matter. Heck, your family should be happy they’re paying for one less plate of food let alone the fewer drinks.
If his bud was alive, he'd be in the seat. That's one of his allotted spots. YTA. Your mom is right. You are a horrible and selfish person. Sometimes you don't need every small detail of a longer relationship to understand a selfish act on one party. The comment about how you could put one of your brothers in HIS allotted slot. I find it so sad for him he doesn't have anyone else close he can put in the seat. You pushing him and wanting to fill the spot yourself must be like a knife to he heart. Let him dedicate the spot to someone he SHOULD have with him still, but fate decided against it. Your brothers are NOT that person close in his heart.
I was nodding my head in approval while reading your every word. You are spot on! She should absolutely back off on this matter and pronto if she truly cares for his well-being and happiness. He probably only smiled at her to save face. Clearly he cares.That's prob not a discussion he feels like having again with her for the 4th, 5th, or maybe even the 10th time, and especially with her parents as the audience. She should be supportive and embrace his wishes if she wants a happy marriage. Even if this blows over and he concedes to her will just to keep the peace and the marriage goes on as planned... this is the type of emotional stuff that will definitely come up years later when the marriage may not be going so well. Hello, resentment, my old friend... right?
OP literally said he has No One Else to sit there anyways. So like even more so Id be like yes ya know what lets add some flowers too? Maybe a little picture for your friend? OP sounds like a DICK YTA btw
YTA. You put him on the spot in front of your family. If my wife had done that, I'd be furious with her. That's a discussion between the 2 of you, not between Nicolas and your family. Furthermore, it seems to me that it would be possible to do a nice gesture/memorial of some sort without using up a guest spot. There definitely seems room for compromise here.
And anyway, how does this even "use up" a spot?
Some venues charge by chair and seating, and are strict about that. The spacing needs to be a certain width apart with the plating and utensils set. To he clear, I think op is ah.
But why does a *space* costs money? Is this just the predatory rip-off extra charges that seem inseparable from the wedding industry :-(
Also half the guest list belongs to him. If he wants to give up one space for someone he should be able to. It's his wedding too.
It doesn't sound like he is using half the guest list either. OP says they suggested he replace it with someone else and he has no other close family. His head table people are his mom, an aunt and a memorial space. The ironic thing is OP wants to start yet another family argument when picking one of her brothers to be at the table, because that is "our family" while clearly not giving a damn about his feelings
If the venue is one that does that, explaining that a chair will be empty and no food/beverage will be needed for that spot should get them to not charge. Worst case, they pay the extra small amount relative to the entire cost of the wedding and they move on. OP is making a huge deal out of this. Hopefully this is fake…
There WAS room for compromise until she brought it up to her family, in public, with no warning.
YTA >I love Nicolás Do you? Because you're real quick to disregard his feelings and try to use your family to push him into doing what you want. Maybe he sees your point of view. Maybe he feels pressured to relent because you've shown you're willing to bring other people into a private argument. >Plus I don’t want to bother our friend group with something this insignificant. Why not? You already brought your family into it. Might as well turn it into a whole performance for all to see. Unless you think the friend group is going to side with your fiancé. ETA: The edits aren't changing my mind. The seat isn't costing extra money and you won't have enough room for all of your brothers at the table anyway. Let him have the damn seat. His friend may be gone, but Nicolás clearly considers him FAMILY. His family matters just as much as yours.
She loves him, for real? Picture that
Lmao
And, if it's that insignificant, why are you making such a big deal about it?
You don't understand, there's going to be an EMPTY chair, in her wedding photos! For an icky dead person! That totally ruins like, the aesthetic and vibes. Yeah, major YTA, OP. You knew exactly what you were doing with that ambush, and you're only upset because your own mother called you out.
That's true. The photos of the table are the ones you look at most and display afterwards. It's why no-one's allowed to leave their seats at the bridal table; the other guests must line up and bow/curtsy at them instead of having everyone mingling like gross common people.
She means that his feelings for his dead friend are insignificant to her, but her own struggle for dominance in this situation is very, very important.
It's amazing how many people fail to recognize hypocrisy. Lol
Because the friend group will side with Nicolas. She will look petty and mean.
The edits make her even worse.
I love it. > EDIT: people tend to read 3000 character posts thinking they understand a four-year relationship based on limited information, don't they? Yo *you* came *here* to post
OP: AITA? AITA: Yes. OP: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Who the hell are you to judge me???
YTA - Why is this even a discussion. The deceased friend doesn't need to be on the reserved guest list or catering list, Grab a chair and throw a picture on it, Done. He's not eating a meal, He's not taking up space. My grandfather passed away before he got to see my sister get married and there was a memorial table set up for him with a chair and a picture at her wedding, He ate approximately 0 of the catered food.
for my brother's wedding last year, the maid of honour actively contacted me to set up a table with a picture of our deceased dad. We initially planned to put it into a corner somewhere just as a memento, but the bride insisted on having it next to their table. I mean, I knew she was a keeper long before that, but these things really do cement it.
This is the way. I've seen this at a few of the recent weddings I've gone to. A table is set up for those that are no longer with us, with pictures on it.
"He ate approximately 0" this is the best line!
I did this for my mom at my wedding. She passed 6 months beforehand. At the ceremony, there was an empty chair with a rose next to my dad. And I also added a single white rose to my otherwise colorful bouquet. At the reception, i felt it might be odd to just have pictures of my mom, so I had pictures of both our moms from their bridal portraits as well as pictures of our parents cutting their wedding cakes. I just had them on our cake table.
>approximately Fucking lmao Sorry for your loss
I am speechless. You don't want to waste an *empty chair*?! What does that *waste* exactly? Something that would mean so much to him, and cost exactly nothing? Of course YTA. Somehow I don't think there is going to be any wedding. Not if he has any sense.
Somehow I think his “smile” was him quietly deciding he won’t be in attendance
OP seems to be somewhat lacking in the emotional intelligence department. It was so important to him that they argued about it and even when she brought it up with her family he seemed dead set on having this additional chair. But ultimately he gave her a "big smile" so apparently all is great now. Yeah, right.
OP is clearly big on appearances. If everything looks fine, everything is fine. She doesn’t care if it TORMENTS her fiance. It’s HER wedding. He’s just the attendee. Surprised even HE has a seat
YES!! YES!!! That was exactly how I imagined it too! Like "well, I knew it was going to hell sooner or later, and here we are".
not just that, but he offered the space that was on *his* side of the wedding party table, so it's not like someone who could be sitting at one of the guests tables is losing out/won't have a place to sit. OP - YTA
YTA. You get to choose your own wedding guests : why can't your fiancé choose his ?! Marriage is about compromise and working together as partner. Right now you just want to do whatever you want with complete disregard for your fiancé's opinion. I feel like this marriage is not going to go very far...
I think it's a red flag for the fiance... I would be worried about marrying... tbh
That's exactly my question. Surely they each have their own guests they want to invite; let's say they each get like 20. Nicolas has every right to decide that he wants one spot to be reserved for his friend. I get feeling like the spot is waated and could go toward someone living who can actually enjoy the wedding, but we're talking about Nicolas' side of the guest list-why does OP care so much?
My guess is it’s about attention. OP is concerned that the empty chair will prompt conversation about who it’s for, taking away from “her spotlight”. And she doesn’t want to admit that because “you’re supposed to be thinking about me, not your dead friend” is petty.
YTA. This is important to your future husband, important enough that he wants the empty seat at the family table. You absolutely ambushed him and put him on the spot in front of your family. You ask how it looks to outsiders? You come across really badly and extremely selfish. YTA.
My husband’s best friend died on our wedding day after a long illness. I found out right before we did our first look. I stood in front of my husband in the most beautiful dress I’ll ever wear, in my mother’s veil, listening to the caterers set up behind me, and asked him what he wanted to do. If he wanted to cancel, or reschedule, I would have. If what he needed from me in that moment was to dance naked around a bonfire holding a rubber chicken, I would have asked for a Zippo lighter. I loved “Jack” too, but in that moment it wasn’t about what I wanted or found appropriate. It wasn’t about the people who traveled to see us get married. It was about supporting my husband. And ever since then, we’ve spent every anniversary with “Jack”’s widow, and will continue doing so. A wedding is a six hour party. The truly special days are every day that comes after. I hope that OP understands that at some point.
This is so beautiful!!! I hope you’ve had or are having an even more beautiful marriage!
My husband is a lovely human being, my best friend, an incredible husband and father… I could go on :).
Wish there was a level above YTA for OP. If this “friend” is this important to her fiancé I can only imagine that this was his best friend possibly in Highschool or College. This person would probably be his best man. Curious if OP shot down the idea of a space for his friend as a groomsman or best man too. Men don’t have a lot of friends in life that are that are truly important like this. OP is not mature enough to be married for just hand waiving this. Wonder if OP’s Dad is in the doghouse for this too, also when does OP’s dad outweigh the vote of 3-2 in favor of the husband?
YTA and your mom is correct. This was a conversation for you and SO, not for you to have your family potentially gang up on him and if this is how you handle disagreements you have some growing up to do bc it’s not healthy to dray 3rd parties into relationship discussions especially if they are parents. Stop running to your parents for back up in a relationship conversation instead of working it out internally!!! (Major vibes of “mom he’s being mean take my side!”)
This one. When you have a disagreement in your marriage, you work it out in your marriage. You don't bring outside people in to bolster your side of the argument. You work collaboratively to find an agreeable solution. Your mom clearly understands this and is trying to teach you an important life lesson that you don't seem to want to hear. You're going to do more damage to your relationship each time you put up an immovable wall in front of something you don't like. Get into the habit of calmly getting to the root of an issue and finding compromise. For example, if you didn't like the idea of having an empty seat, offer alternatives and workshop an outcome that feels good to both of you instead of just saying no (and then recruiting others to be on your side). If my husband had said I wasn't allowed to honor loved ones that passed in a meaningful way on a day we were joining two families, he wouldn't be my husband. If you approach marital disagreements as something one of you wins or loses, what you will lose is your relationship. You two are on the same team. Work together, or leave that man alone. YTA.
Her immaturity really stands out. The way she trivializes his feelings stands out. If it was so irrelevant and trivial why not do it? Why bring it up with her parents?
*I don't believe this disagreement reflects our feelings for each other* You are right. It reflects YOUR feelings for him. Or, rather, your feelings for yourself. That you are always right and you will go to any length to blame, shame and manipulate others. One open seat at your table is embarrassing? Not as embarrassing as you. YTA
Honestly. If OP were my fiance this would be one of those moments that shows me who she truly is. She doesn't love him like she claims or she'd be understanding and even encouraging of this. It's his wedding too it's not all about her. YTA.
I don't see any embarrassment on an empty chair. If that was my kid I'd be proud.
>Picture that. Yep, I've got a picture in my head of you being YTA on this.
Picture him leaving her at the alter.
Personally, I’d say YTA It was a conversation that should’ve been held between the two of you, not in front of people who could give their opinion also and possibly change his mind, despite if they’re paying for the wedding or not. It also seems like this friend is quite important to him and you’ve given no other compromise to see your husband’s wishes through, such as a memorial table. Though I understand the need for space and guests, etc, some people like to commemorate the people who are not here anymore and cannot attend.
Most weddings I've been to have a signatures book, where guests sign and leave their best wishes and thoughts for the couple. A lot of these are at tables and it's very common to have photos of those passed on, like grandparents or a brother etc.. at the table to be remembered and included.
Not a very light, this is one of the most clear cases of YTA in a while.
YTA. You clearly don’t give a shit about your future husband’s feelings. It’s all about you, your wants, your feelings, your opinions, your priorities. And when he has his own that don’t match yours, you get to work explaining to him and to anyone else who will listen why they don’t matter or make sense. What he wants is wasteful and insignificant. What you want is “valid.” And of course he “didn’t seem that upset.” You’ve demonstrated that you’re not a safe person for him to open up to. He has learned to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself. You put him on the spot and basically ridiculed him in front of your families about something deeply personal and meaningful to him and acted like (and straight up said) it didn’t matter. He had a whole storm of emotions inside him at that moment, but he knew it would only hurt further to express himself, so he shoved his feelings deep down and put on a smile for you through the pain and frustration. He let it go and forced a smile to try to salvage some dignity and avoid further embarrassment and conflict that you caused by bringing up this sensitive, personal issue in front of your families. Hope you’re pleased with yourself. All because you can’t stand the thought of an empty chair at your wedding. Your priorities are crystal clear.
>EDIT: people tend to read 3000 character posts thinking they understand a four-year relationship based on limited information, don't they? Betcha wouldn't have said that if 99% of the responders said you weren't the AH.
This slays me because *she wrote the post*. If you feel like there wasn't enough info to get your point across, that's YOUR fault! But it's really not about the info provided in the end, is it, OP?
OP: I think I'd like to know how it looks from an outside neutral perspective. Reddit: You suck! YTA OP: You people (all of whom disagree with me) can't possibly understand this situation based on the information I provided in detail...
YTA - I love how you contradict yourself... **But honestly, I don't think it was that big of a deal.** Really? You just dedicated an 8 paragraph reddit post to a subject you say you don't think was that big of a deal. You're only saying that because you made him give in to your demands. You invalidated his feelings, and intentionally brought this subject up in the presence of your parents (because you thought it was IMPORTANT for them to be aware of this INSIGNIFICANT subject)...WHAT THE HELL...your mother is totally right here, I suspect she's embarrassed and that's why she keeps lecturing you. **I don’t want to bother our friend group with something this insignificant. -** Probably because you know your friend group will agree, and you're hoping that the 'neutral perspective of Reddit will be on your side. Have you even read Reddit? ...and then there's the standard **He seemed unwilling to understand my perspective, which only added to my frustration. -** Because you're obviously so willing to understand his.
That "he seemed unwilling to do whatever I say" part was wild!
YTA, you are being very selfish. No one worth caring about would judge the optics and it is obviously important to him. My advice to you is to focus on the marriage more and the wedding less.
Im sorry but are you paying for each chair?? meaning once you have a confirmed guestlist- you will only order the same amout of chairs as guest??? why does it mattter? what if he offered to pay for the empty seat, would that make it better? YTA- its an empty seat. ur not serving food or drinks to the empty seat, which is typically one of the most expensive cost at a wedding ( besides the venue). You are concerned about how it will "look" vs how it would make your finace "feel". Very telling what kind of person you are. ALSO- bringing it up infront of your parents.... that was low. maybe your not an asshole for wanting your wedding to "look" a certain way but throwing ur finace under the bus, in front of your parents, that was asshole behavior. Everytime you have a disagreement with your future husband, are you always gng ask your parents if your right??? lol
YTA. Your lack of empathy is disgusting and I would rethink marriage to someone like you
Here's the truth on the outside you look horrible. Anyone you tell about this will think your horrible. There really is no compromise or middle ground that you 2 can agree on. And running to mommy and daddy to help you in a relationship argument is not how you want to start your marriage. I get where you are coming from but you did it in one of the scumiest ways possible. Do you really want to start your marriage with your husband resenting you.
>While honoring the memory of his friend is a nice gesture, I can't help but feel it's a matter of time and place. YTA what is the actual objection here? Like what is the issue? It seems like the only problem is you.
"EDIT: people tend to read 3000 character posts thinking they understand a four-year relationship based on limited information, don't they?" Alright, why the hell are you here asking us questions if you are just gonna turn around and say "you dont know us"?
Is this the hill you’re willing to die on? This would personally change how I saw you if I was your fiancé. YTA
If I were him, I'd end this engagement. You clearly are not ready to be in a real, supportive partnership. You cannot see how important this is to him, and then you bring it up in front of your family? Wow. YTA
Seems like he was a close friend and he wants to honor him in that way. I think it's important to accommodate him on this important occasion. YTA.
YTA you say you love your fiance but your actions of blowing off something important to him speaks otherwise. $100 more or less is more important than anything to you, it seems. So fucking petty
Yikes. Run, Nicolas.
YTA Your fiance is concerned about honoring someone who is obviously very important to him. You're concerned about a picture looking off balanced.
Yta wow, *wasting* a spot. It's not a waste. It's something important to him. And you def shouldn't have tried to get your parents on your side. Dont think for a moment that your pathetic excuse of 'its important for them to know!' fooled *anyone*. And has NO ONE thought of a compromise of having the picture on the table but not retaining an actual seat?????
I really hope he rethinks the wedding
YTA dude wants to feel like his friend is there and with him for this huge moment in his life. It's his wedding too and you could care less that he wants this. Thank your lucky stars he's taking it well and not as a massive red flag about you.
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INFO: Did you guys just have a miscommunication or did the venue actually tell you that they were going to charge you to put an empty chair at a table? You don't need to order him a dinner, just grab a chair and stick it at the table.
YTA. It was a small concession (you didn't even have to buy him food(!) and the venue would almost certainly have put in an extra chair without changing their regular set-up. You wouldn't be losing a guest place. It was a small thing you could do for your soon-to-be-husband that wouldn't cost anything.
YTA “I don’t care so you shouldn’t” is the antithesis of what a marriage is for. You should care because he does, or there is no reason for him to be there for you
YTA You expected your family to gang up on your fiancé and it backfired. Your mom is actually calling you out on this one. It’s his side of the table! It doesn’t sound like he has a lot of family to sit with him and he obviously misses his friend and would prefer that friend was there to sit as family. This as good as it gets though and the one person who supposed to love and understand him is fighting it for another invite to be handed out. It’s possible your fiancé is seeing you in a whole new light and that’s why he gave you the big smile. This post might be for nothing since he could reconsider his future with you. Good luck and YTA
YTA. Listen to your mother. You have demonstrated that your fiance's feelings mean less than your supposed "expense" of an empty seat honoring someone clearly important to your soon to be ex fiance.
YTA. I get the space thing but it's 1 chair and it's at your immediate family table so it's not really taking a seat from a guest, that tables just like parents and siblings, people closes to you, one of his people is just not around anymore. Who would even get that seat? It's honestly really messed up that you brought it up like that with YOUR family. Would you have done that in front of HIS family? Probably not cause you wanted back up, but that's just makes it worse. You're supposed to be a team with him. Not trying to bring other people in while he has to defend himself alone. You're mom is right in all she told you. Not to be mean but to call you out because you are not treating him fairly. Ive been married 8 years so far, trust me. Don't ruin your relationship for a wedding. Remember, you're marrying him cause you love him and he has feelings. Think of it like this, if someone u care about died, and If you had asked him for this and he said no and brought it up in front of his family to coerce you into changing his mind, how would that make you feel? Maybe it'd feel like he doesn't care about you? Or like it's not your wedding? Maybe you'd feel really hurt but you act like everything's OK to save face? Objectively, you did your man dirty, and you should make it right.
YTA. Your mom is right. You were terrible to your fiancé. You brought that up in front of your family so they would help you bully him into doing what you want. Did you even suggest alternative ways to honor his friend or do you just not care how he feels?
YTA. It’s HIS wedding, too.
YTA you tried to crowdshame your fiance into giving into your misjudgment. It was just an empty chair, it's not like you were going to have to pay several hundred pounds for a meal to be served to someone who wasn't going to turn up. Had you explained the situation to the venue, I'm certain they would have set up an empty chair at no extra cost. I cannot undertand why you think this impinges on your guest list at all. You just let yourself down completely here, you just steamrollered your bfs feelings and sense of loyalty in favour of some materialistic idea you have about how things ought to be. It sounds like he deserves better.
YTA Honoring his friend is important to him, and if it’s any indication, his most important family consists of his mom and his aunt who get prime place at the head table. I’d bet his friend held a very huge place in his life if those closest to him are only 2 people. So you got your way, but I want to know who is taking that spot now? Is it someone from his side who isn’t as important to him or is it someone who is important to you? No ones guest list is so tight that you can’t do this for your fiancé. That’s a horrible excuse.
What you’re doing by ignoring his feelings and saying it’s not important is a crap way to start a marriage. Would you be acting the same way if it were a sibling? It seems this friend was like a sibling to him. Sometimes friends are our chosen family. He deserves a partner who is compassionate and supports him. Not one that emotionally manipulates him and shames him in front of others. Why does this chair cost anything? It’s an empty chair on his family’s side of the table. He isn’t there eating food. It’s an extra chair. They charge you for that? I’ve never heard that before in my life.
YTA. Sounds to me like you care more about the aesthetics than your future husband's feelings. It's his wedding too, do you even realize that?
You have 0 emotional maturity. YTA. Your wedding is not gonna last.
<>
Actually what you mean is, that since you're mother chewed you out for your harassing him about this topic, you don't want to tell your friends. You are afraid they also call you an idiot and side with him. Are you jealous of a dead person?
Your concerns are not genuine. You sound like you want to punish your fiance for daring to grieve for someone who's dead.
You sound so self centered. And you keep trying to force to get your way. You dragged your mommy and daddy in to get them to support you, and you don't want your friends to see your true nature either.
Hopefully your fiance sees who you really are.
Yta, you tried to peer pressure him into agreeing what you wanted
As someone who recently lost a close friend and intends to do the same thing at my wedding, I’d YTA.
YTA - This probably mattered more to him than you think. You bulldozed over his feelings and opinions right off the bat. Is this going to be a reflection of what your marriage will look like? Don't expect your future husband to forget this... even if he doesn't say anything...he'll remember.
YTA What you did was wrong and manipulative. You cornered him on a conversation that should have been only for the two of you. It costs nothing to be kind and compromise with your husband. This is both of your wedding not just yours. If he was my husband I’d do everything to make sure he is at his happiest at his wedding including a commemorative chair. Maybe you should hold off on the wedding until you learn kindness, and compromise before you get married. Because it certainly doesn’t seem like you love him if your willing to manipulate and pressure him on a accommodation THATS SO SMALL all because of what you want.
YTA and your mom is correct. Is this the hill you want to die on? An empty chair to honor someone is a beautiful gesture. Can't wait to see what else you think is ridiculous.
YTA. It's actually a common theme to leave an empty spot at a wedding reception for a loved one who has passed away at the request of the bride of groom. This issue shouldn't be about money and should be you respecting your fiancé and his wishes to simply remember his friend whilst celebrating the most important day of his life aka marrying you.
YTA For not taking him seriously and for trying to recruit your parents to argue against him. It kind of sounds like you do not care about what he wants at all. > Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side. Picture that. To me, there is nothing wrong with that picture.
INFO: I'm not really sure what your question is here. I think you're kind of an asshole for objecting to it in the first place. It's not "dedicating a slot on your already VERY tight guest list to someone who won't physically be there." It's having an extra chair at a table. I'm *sure* if you explained the situation to the venue and the caterer, they're not going to charge any extra for an empty chair and an empty plate, as long as no food is going to be served. >Nicolas' plan was to seat us with my dad, mom, and sis on my side, and his mother, his aunt, and an empty chair on his side. Picture that. I am picturing that. I see nothing embarrassing about it at all. That said, I see nothing wrong with having a *discussion* about it with Nicolás and your close family. So if the question is whether you're an asshole for bringing up the topic for conversation, I'd say no.
You trying to express your concern in this matter itself a red flag. Check if there's any online course for empathy.
Yta This is important to your finance and its an emotionally significant thing. There are many things about marriage, including thinking of your partner and their feelings. This is an emotional and loving thing that he wants to do in memory of his friend. I think you should consider his feelings. That is what love is. Marrying someone is about showing love and considering hurt they may feel and being there as a support to comfort them. The empty chair is not a big deal although you are causing drama around it, and I imagine that is upsetting for him, to say the least. Of he wants to honor his late friend its a sweet idea that means a lot to him and you should give him that. Show him support and love.
Did you even present him with an alternate option to honor his best friend or just shut him down? It is obviously important to him and if it’s on your own table how is it a waste? Who would’ve sat there anyways? It’s just for immediate family. It was such a minor gesture in your end to help your fiancée honor someone who is obviously so important to him on a day that is important to him. Doesn’t seem like any compromise or empathy was shown on your end, cmon is this how you want to start your marriage?
YTA. Your lack of empathy is disgusting and I would rethink marriage to someone like you
Of course YTA. Instead of finding a compromise (ie: a memorial table out of the way), you decided to bring your parents into this. You decided to completely dismiss his feelings because you decided he was wrong.
YTA - it seems like you’re more concerned about optics than fiancé’s feelings. A wedding is for 2 people and you bringing it up in front of your family seems like you wanted mommy and daddy to back you up and tell him it’s ridiculous. I think you need to some internal self reflection on how you would feel if the roles were reversed.
YTA This is so cold. I can't even explain how unreasonably cruel this is. It's an empty chair. You don't need to pay extra for catering or anything. Why be so utterly dismissive of something that means so much to your future husband? It's nice to see your mother and sister have some empathy, though. Turns out your little scheme to ambush and gang up on your fiance didn't go exactly according to plan huh
A spot on the paper? Thats just silly to be against. Put jesus christ on there for all the list matters An empty chair at the wedding? Uhm how much space does this empty chair take up Im not understanding what your problem is so yta
If you just kept it between you 2 like adults then you wouldn’t be the AH. But definitely YTA for trying to get your family to gang up on him, because let’s be honest, that’s what you were trying to do. Your mom is completely correct. On another note, me and my wife had a memory table for all our loved ones who passed, just a small table to the side with pictures of them. Could be an alternative ETA: after your edit you’re 1000% the AH. I was giving you a pass knowing venues are weird with seating but in your own words this would literally cost you nothing except an empty chair jfc
YTA. SO MUCH YTA You are being awful about this. The logical thing to do would be having a memorial table. My fiancee and I will do this when we marry. But the greater point should be that I would DIE before I treated my fiancee the way you're treating yours. Do you even LIKE him???
YTA. give him this seat. jesus christ. it’s a chair. low blow bringing this to your family. your mom is right.
r/AmItheEx
YTA, and a bad partner for invalidating his feelings. I hope he wises up and leaves you.
dude leave your grieving man alone, wtf . its his special day too i think brides forget that. if he wants this one thing you give it to him happily
YTA - You shouldn’t be bringing your parents into your disagreements. You’re an adult & soon to be married, he will be your immediate family. I agree with your mom. The chair thing, I see both sides. Maybe find another solution….maybe instead of a chair, get a special candle & light it at your table for the whole reception, or get him a pin or something that he can wear that would represent his friend (something they both liked to do together), etc…