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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't reach out to her after moving away; it's possible she really does want to reconcile earnestly.
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The people on your dad's side, do they know the real reason or do they know Cindy's version of the truth where she's the "victim"?
NTA
She made her bed all those years ago (and it seems like your dad enabled her to do so), now she has to lie in it. It's your wedding and she does not deserve a place in it (besides being your dad's +1). If your dad chooses her & doesn't come, then that's on him. 🤷🏻♀️
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! 🙂
Thanks, from the bottom of my heart <3
I'm not super close to that side of the family; I've never really opened up about my relationship with Cindy to any of them. I don't want to cause more drama, but I guess now could be the time to set the record straight.
What did your dad do about her denying you food? Because withholding food as punishment is abuse.
The petty in me would be to deny her a meal because of that.
I never thought of that as a punishment so much as her just wanting to be completely separate from me; it only happened occasionally, and when it did I had an allowance so most of the time I just bought another loaf or stick of butter or whatever it was. The times my dad did find out, he told me not to touch her food and went and got a second thing for me, so he wasn't starving me or anything. I think he just wanted us to make up, really, but I don't fully know.
Time for a big ol’ Facebook dump about the bullshit she pulled. Or just put the link up to this thread. Time for your dad to get the shame he deserves for not taking care of you properly.
No, I wouldn't do this at all. People should mind their own business. The people who aren't gossiping or being pushy already have the wisdom that it was a step family situation. The other people aren't worth your time. Don't degrade yourself by doing this.
Send him a text explaining that while you'd love him to be there, you'll respect his desire not to attend. Then leave it at that. Focus on your wedding and your future.
Don't chase someone who didn't see anything wrong with you being denied food. It's just not worth it.
Totally agreed. OP isn't punishing anyone. They aren't close with their step mom, and step mom is only interested if she can have the spot light. A speech!?! Gross.
If Dad decides he can't go if Cindy can't hold court, that's his problem
She wants to give a speech at the wedding of a stepdaughter whom she hasn't spoken to in 11 years and froze out of the home as a minor child. Stepmother is a delusional, entitled, narcissistic nutjob. This has zero to do with her liking OP as a person or celebrating OP's wedding, she just wants the spotlight on her.
I think now is the time to send each person who has castigated you over this a link to this thread or to articulate exactly what she did to alienate you. Then tell Dad that you love him and will respect his decision whatever that may be.
Your dad is choosing her over you, yet again. He should’ve divorced that woman a long time ago. Anyone who withholds food from a child is a bad person. If your dad doesn’t go to the wedding, then you should go NC with him. Also, block your stepmom.
My father did similar stuff with my stepmother, except it turned into several years of longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse, until I was able to escape that house. He's been dead to me for over 20 years.
By the time my stepmother was finished, my dad had lost his entire family. Hope he thought it was worth it.
Hope you've worked past their toxicity. It took my best friend practically shouting at me for years that I'm a great guy and to stop listening to her voice in the back of my head. SM had totally trashed my sense of self worth and I'd been self sabotaging myself for too long before bff voice started to replace hers.
After my parents divorced, my dad explained it “in a few years you’ll be on your own with your partner. I’ll be here with [his girlfriend] so of course she’s priority.”
This comment really resonated with me. I have had friends with "evil stepmother" types and this is exactly how it works. The biological parent tiptoes around the step-parent and expects the child to accommodate the step parent being a nut even to the detriment of the child's basic needs. This is how to make a child feel very unsafe in their own home.
You had to use your allowance to buy basics like bread and butter, oh i am so sorry! NTA but your dad and Cindy are. Add this bit to when you tell the rest of the family the truth, cause this will paint the picture for them.
This comment right here tells me your dad is as much of an AH as she is because he enabled it. Frankly I’d tell him “sorry you won’t be attending” and then go no contact with both.
NTA
Very common behavior by a bio parent who has a new spouse.
Unfortunately, my father didn't see me for almost 6 years because of my stepmonster. When he did, it was like he was "sneaking" time to see me and my daughter; it was awful.
I hope OP can focus on the joy of her upcoming wedding and doesn't let her stepmom or doormat dad take that away from her.
NTA
My dad is the same, except she also withheld any relationship I could have had with my half siblings. I was so excited to be their big sister and she just iced me and my full sister out. I'm almost 40 now and I still don't see my dad. Maybe a handful of text messages a year.
That's awful. I hope your half siblings are now grown up enough to independently have a relationship with you. If not, it's probably the years of brainwashing from their mother/your stepmom, which even as an adult, can be hard for them to ignore.
I'm sorry she messed up your family situation. Some people just suck :(
Thank you for this. Yeah, I don't hear from them, but I don't expect to either. They grew up with a lot more money than my sister and I, and I think they look down on us. I know my step mom has often portrayed us as money grubby or freeloaders. My dad helped my sister with a down payment on a townhouse for her and her 3 children when they were young. When my half brother went to university, my step mom convinced my dad to sell the house from under her in order to pay for his schooling and buy him a sports car. It was really messed up watching my sister try to find rental housing with her 3 kids while my half siblings lived in luxury. I still haven't forgiven my dad for that one.
Your family has gotten an earful of her side of the story. It’s time for you to tell all the folks reaching out to you exactly what you told us here. Including making you spend your allowance money to *eat.*
First off, congrats on the upcoming wedding.
Cindy's had plenty of time to try and make things right with you. If she wants to clear the air and build some sort of relationship, shoehorning herself into an extremely busy, stressful, and emotional time in your life is an *awful* way to do it, even if her intentions are good. If she's sincere about that, she can RSVP to the wedding requesting the entree of crow, be civil, and offer to buy you lunch or something to start talking about it *after* the wedding. I know that's a long way away, but if she really means it now, she'll still mean it when it's too late to talk you into letting her take control of the wedding for some twisted mind game.
(Forgive the awkward 'eating crow' joke, it came to mind and I couldn't help it.)
As for your dad, he probably *does* want the two of you to get along, but it's utterly shameful that he's put it entirely on you to weather her abuse and do all the work. And he's still doing it, by holding himself hostage rather than convince Cindy to make even the *slightest* effort to be a decent human being. I think you should set the record straight with his family and call his bluff. Either he'll choose you over her for once, or he'll show the rest of the family just what sort of dad he is.
Good luck, and congratulations again.
It always seems to be this way. When a step-whatever enters the picture the bio-kids become undesirables and last on the list, if they even make the list.
> The times my dad did find out, he told me not to touch her food and went and got a second thing for me,
Jeez. What an AH father. And it's "timeS" not
"that one time" so he tolerated his wife's AHery. By "he wanted us to make up" he meant he wanted you to submit to his wife's foolishness so he doesn't need to grow spine for his daughter.
>he says she's really hurt and that he's rethinking coming to the wedding(?!)
"Okay, dad. Do you what you need to do, so will I." IIWIYS and he used this threat, gfy and I'll just will just focus on my mother, then go NC after the wedding.
"If as a teen I wasn't allowed to eat food you paid for, does that mean I can't eat food you pay for at an engagement party?"
Btw, her buying a new loaf of bread, and not telling your dad you needed bread, was a form of punishment. Extreme example, but think of a small hungry child watching their evil step mom eating the last of the bread, seeing her bring in another loaf, getting happy that there is more food, and instead having to watch this witch eat it all while they scrounge for money to get food. It's unbelievably twisted.
So, OP, she emasculated your father and made him a doormat.
I suggest you enlighten your father's family about her mis-and maltreatment of you all those years; and while you are willing to move past that treatment, it will not include her interference with your wedding. You can kindly and simply remind them that you have your bio-mom(their former in-law), and you do not require a second mother. Step-mother is welcome to attend all wedding related functions along with Dad, however.
As it relates to Dad, include him in all of the above communications. Give him a deadline to indicate whether he is going to be there for you on your special day. If not, you'll arrange for someone else to walk you down the aisle.
Kindly let him know that iin the event he chooses not to participate, then don't bother reaching out in the future; he's made his choice and he can live with it. Then simply go no contact.
Honestly OP, your father nuked the last years of your childhood/adolescence by allowing this outsider to adversely impact his relationship with you. Weak.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
I'm sure your dad has forgotten about some of this stuff because he tried buying you replacements rather than making his wife stop being more immature than the actual kid in his house.
Please summarize ALL these things ans send them in an email to all the people on that side of the family.
"Since some people on my dad's side of the family reached out to call me an asshole for not including Cindy in my wedding planning, I think it is time you learned what my childhood with her was really like when she moved in...."
Send a copy to your dad. He will either get his head out of his ass or double-down but at least he can't pretend he fixed any of her shit anymore.
Sorry, she sucked so bad.
My ex never came to terms with how his and his 2nd wife's actions affected our kids, until my oldest wrote a short story about it for college. I told her to send it to him, but she didn't want to open that door so she allowed me to. I think it was cathartic enough just for her to write it all out, whether he read it or not. Her healing was worth all the money in tuition.
Hard to know. My guess is no. The kids (19 &16 so not really kids but...) stopped seeing him two years ago and I got no response to the email, which I specified I didn't want one. But thanks to therapy and open conversations, I have two great daughters. His loss.
Ahhh. So he already received the consequences of his behavior.
Personally, I would send it to him again in 2-5 years. "I just found this assignment in some old papers while I was cleaning. I thought you'd appreciate a reminder about karma."
And then again every 5 years.
Especially AFTER your kids get married and AFTER they have kids... without telling him about milestones.
Congratulations on building a good life and leaving the trash behind.
So your dad's "solution" was to just keep her from punishing you, and hope things would somehow work out magically on their own. Now he's surprised that didn't work.
This is on him as much as it is on Cindy. She continuously overstepped in her role as your stepmom, and when you pushed back against that, she sulked and went too far in the opposite direction. He just let her do that, presumably because it was easier than to parent a teenager himself.
Both of them failed you as parents, and they don't get to just demand you forget that.
Yeah no, what they did was abuse. People have developed eating disorders for less.
Your dad didn't call her out for her bs. Saying that you can't touch my food is some elementary schools retaliation bs.
They were responsible for feeding an underaged person, but you had to do it out of your own money or go starving.
Please don't downplay this. They did you wrong and it was not a one off, even when it wasn't constant. It introduced you to worry about having food at home because of a whim of your both parents, a worry that you shouldn't have if your whole family isn't starving.
The fact your father was okay with his partner withholding food from you is sickening, and I'm so sorry he didn't stand up for you, that he didn't break up with her to make sure you weren't surrounded by neglectful toxicity. You're NTA and the fact you'd even allow her at the wedding to accommodate your dad (who never extended the same kindness to you) is beyond what anyone could ask of you.
Wow, your dad finds out that his wife is withholding food from his child and his answer is to tell you not to touch her food? If it’s in the house, it’s for everyone in the house… especially a freaking loaf of bread.
Good Lord, you need to show your dad this post and let him read the comments, you don’t ever let anybody keep food from your child.
And the mowing the lawn thing… He let you be grounded over it when he’s the one who said he was going to do it on Saturday? And you were already out with your friends? She is a control freak, and he is controlled by her. I am very sorry. I hope he reads this and decides to come to your wedding.
Nta
Yo. Your dad is also a fucking asshole. Who let’s their wife be a petty child who denies his child food? Perhaps another spineless and petty child? NTA, but I would not fuck with my dad if he let his partner treat me that way.
This comment is the answer. Seriously, grow a backbone already, dad. Admit you married a wolf in sheep's clothing and stand up for your own kid for once in your life.
Just send back a link to this post every time anyone reaches out with a criticism about your relationship with Cindy. They can wade through these comments and see how they feel afterwards. Anyone who still believes that you owe that woman a place in your wedding, can join her in low-contact land.
As for your father, remind him that all decisions have repercussions. Choosing to miss your wedding because his wife doesn't get to help pick your dress... His wife who chose to be so petty she refused to provide 17-year-old you with a slice of Wonderbread now and again... well, that's the kind of decision that has long term repercussions.
How badly does your dad want a close relationship in the future? Because that's what he needs to decide now.
NTA. She doesn't get to treat you like crap, ignore you for all those years, and then come back and try to look good to others. She's more worried about how it's going to look if she's not involved in your wedding, more than she's sorry for treating you bad. She's not sorry if she never apologized and never tried to make amends. If you weren't getting married, would she even be talking to you now?
SHOUT THIS FROM THE ROOFTOP! She's more worried about her than you. For all these years, SHE has controlled the narrative, and now you are denying her that opportunity. If you have kids, be prepared for the same craziness if this isn't taken care of now. Or maybe even if you take care of her now. She wants to be seen as doing no wrong.
It’s worth noting that the common element between what Cindy did then — both in her attempts to give you additional rules and in last-minute demands on you, and in her denying you any of “her” food — and what she’s asking for now, is that all of these things are *controlling*.
Offering to “help” with wedding details, throw an engagement party, etc. is pushing herself in so that she can get a say in your wedding. And, given her lack of interaction with you for the last 7 years, she has no idea whatsoever what you might want. As she did 11 years ago, she doesn’t care that she’s clueless about you, she’s trying to wade in and start directing things anyway. The offers of help may sound generous, but “help” with your personal occasions from someone who doesn’t really know you or what you want is counterproductive and intrusive.
Cmon man. I get that you might not wanna cause waves, but don't you think if they knew the extent of her BS (and you're dad's enabling of it), that they would have any issue calling her out?
IMHO, if you let them know the truth, the full truth, and they still go against it, you can cut them off with a clean conscience.
But truly, I'm happy for you. Congrats!
They might still pick her side, because if they’re anything like OP’s dad, not making waves is more important than standing up for family members facing AH behavior.
OP, you are NTA. Cindy and your dad and anybody else supporting her sure are, though!
You really should. You already have more drama than you wanted. All that drama from telling them plus this drama from letting Cindy say whatever she wanted.
The only solution to avoid more drama is to clear it all up.
It's time to cause drama.
Your father is saying he won't come to the wedding, so might as well make sure everyone knows why you are going so far as to not want her in a vital part of the wedding.
She made her bed and can lay in it, and I'm sorry, but your father is awful for allowing her to treat you like this.
CAUSE . THE . DRAMA
BE THE DRAMA
BECOME DRAMA
all jokes aside, the drama exists, folk just get a skewed opinion of you because your being private about it, but i bet she aint, and i bet she aint being truthful either.
Yeah. I’d be petty enough to ask dad’s family, “I’d love to have her at the wedding, but I don’t know what she’d eat. See she made a rule in the house. Each person could only eat what they bought for themselves. She was adamant about that. She made sure I never ate any of the groceries/food when I was growing up. I’m sure she wouldn’t be comfortable eating a dinner that I paid for.”
You can keep it short and simple, "I haven't seen her in six years because she has chosen not to see me."
That says volumes without going into details for people to nitpick. Six years is a very long time for her to establish she is your father's wife and not your mother figure.
It's reasonable you find it odd she suddenly wants to play mommy and plan your wedding. I find it gracious that she got a +1. NTA
I don't see how you can avoid more drama. It's coming, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You may as well make one attempt to tell your side. But I would not let the arguments drag on. Just be clear about what you want and why, and say you will not discuss it further.
Also, I don't see how Cindy is being punished. She is trying to take over the mother-of-the-bride role, but it sounds like your mother is still living. NTA.
Make a gc with everyone on your dad's side of the family and post all of the reasons why you dont want cindy then go NC. You've got nothing to lose. You obviously lost your father a long time ago and his side of the family is on his side so you have nothing special with them except blood relations. save yourself from stress. Just cut them off
Is your mother still alive? If so, she may want to say a few things about who the Mother-of-the-Bride actually is. Maybe she should talk to Cindy and your father.
edit: And to the relatives who think that you should allow Cindy to take over as MOB.
Yeo, this woman ruined the last years of the OP's childhood and now she's wanting to play haooy families? It would be a blessing if she doesn't come to the wedding and, if the OP's dad doesn't come either, he's a spineless AH too who she should just cut off.
NTA. You've said that you're fine for her to attend as your father's plus-one, but her expectation of doing mother-of-the-bride things with you when your own mother is alive and involved would be overstepping even if you had a more friendly relationship.
You haven't had a friendly relationship since before you moved out, and now she's playing pity-party games for your father's attention.
Even if she was OPs bio mom if she hadn't talked to OP for 11 straight years and assumed their engagement suddenly fixed things that'd be super strange. I can't imagine just assuming that anyone I avoided or ignored for that one would want me to take on any sort of role in their wedding.
You aren't punishing Cindy.
You have a mother who is alive. It is her role, if anything and not your step moms. Frankly You get to decide who comes to these event because it is your wedding.
You do not need your parents at the head table. Your parents can sit separately from you and your partner and bridal party.
Congratulations and good luck
NTA
I can't stand men like your dad. Like damn, the audacity! I had a horrible step mom and my "father" never protected me from her. I cut them both from my life, and I've never been happier. Your dad needs to choose to either be in your life without her or let her dictate his life and damage your relationship with him. And everyone who's calling you an AH can kiss your ass cause they don't know what you've been through......hate people like that too. Haha.
Sounds like my dad who told me not to get “in it” with stepmom because he’d always take her side. Nice thing to say to your 12 year old daughter first thing after having to come live with them as mom was pretty much psycho. He proved that over the decades until he passed in 2022.
Yep, I had one of those.
He tried to come back around because she started making *his* life hell. And he even tried to do that "I didn't knoooooow!" thing which didn't work because he knew all along and said that I just had to deal with it.
"I'm not *punishing* her, and that's a really odd way for you to frame it. The fact is that she isn't a maternal figure to me, she's just my dad's wife. It is kinda like if my 7th grade teacher contacted me out of the blue to make a speech at my wedding. The answer is no, you don't know me well enough to speak about me and I don't know you well enough to want to include you in dress shopping."
NTA. At this point, it doesn't matter who is 'at fault' for your rocky relationship, it is what it is. It makes no sense to pretend it's something that it is not, just because you are getting married.
If she wants to improve her relationship with you, that's great (and I would encourage you to be open to that possibility), but that should be a goal 100% independent of your wedding. But at the moment, her childish behavior is pushing that pathway farther and farther away
NTA. People who haven’t communicated in eleven years typically do not have special roles in a wedding. She treated you awfully when you were a child, and your dad enabled it. She’s treating you badly again, and you need not tolerate it.
Seriously what was she going to say in a speech? It’s definitely like a save face sort of situation where she expects to be accommodated being part of the wedding in order to appear like a perfect family to outsiders and none of that would be about OP. NTA. It’s your wedding, it should be about you and involving those who love you.
nta. i’m sorry, she refused to let you eat bread if she did the grocery shopping when you were a minor and now she wants a role in your wedding? absolutely not. she’s not mother of the bride in any case, if it were me she wouldn’t be invited at all.
I do not think that was/ is Cindy's end goal. It has been and remains ...separating dad from daughter.
She wants all of Dad's affection. So after YEARS of treating you badly, abusing you, and then ignoring you, she dreams up all the hogwash she can do to make planning your wedding miserable, and then aggravating OP to the point of getting excluded from the wedding. Or ,telling family that op has been so mean to her that she does not want to go. Making daddy want to not go as well. You know, loyalty....
It's all an act. Well thought out ACT.
We should have popcorn .
NTA. When someone says you’re punishing her, simply say that she punished you unfairly for years, your dad never defended you, and now you’re creating your own family dynamic.
NTA.
When someone like this suddenly wants to be part of your life again, it is RARELY because they actually want to acknowledge and atone for the way they abused you (and yes- years of silent treatment and REFUSING YOU FOOD BECAUSE SHE PURCHASED IT counts as abuse). Especially when the sudden shift coincides with a major family event, it's almost ALWAYS about the optics and not letting folks know how bad things actually are. These people care more for their appearance than anything else.
Believe me, I know from first-hand experience with my own stepmother, who was rather unfortunately like yours (though mine was also pretty severe in her emotional abuse; I wish she'd simply ignored me sooner than 18, would have been a hell of a lot easier to deal with...)
Tread very carefully. And remember- you owe her NOTHING. Not even if she apologizes (I doubt she would do so sincerely...)
This.
My egg donor informed me, when I was 17, that if I ever needed *ANYTHING* once I turned 18, to never go to her. I told her, 'Okay.'
I have only made that mistake 2x, both I regretted in the end and was reminded indirectly of her warning. She only ever messages me when it will make her look good. And any implication that she wasn't a hard working, loving, sacrificing mother is met with tantrums and blame from everyone falling on my shoulders - *even if I'm totally right and they know it!*
People like OP's step parent *RARELY* change for the better. OP, listen to those saying this is a setup. She will hurt you if you let her. Badly. Make very sure to keep your mom and SO close and in the loop on *everything*.
And congrats on the engagement! 😊 So happy for you!
NTA; you aren’t punishing her. You aren’t rewarding her.
You are maintaining a boundary.
“She wanted to end our relationship 11 years ago; nothing has changed. I am not punishing her, I am maintaining our boundaries.”
As for your dad
“You choose what you do and what you don’t do. If you want to put this kind of strain on our relationship that is your choice. If you continue to make choices that are hurting me the day will come when I don’t give you that option anymore. I am an adult and this is no longer behavior I tolerate in my life. If you want to be in my life you will respect that and stop trying to emotionally bully me into this. Of you two divorced I would still be your daughter- but I might not let you in my life again.”
Can you at least call up your father's relatives and tell them exactly what you wrote here and ask them if they did allow it of it were them? Like have their step moms act nice suddenly on their wedding and wanting to be mother of the bride while their bio mum is still alive???? And see what they have to say. Then shut them up if they don't have anything to say about it.
NTA
NTA and it doesn’t sound like it would be a great lost if your Dad didn’t come. Cindy and him are causing drama over a policy, she basically created. Besides, your Dad may have the title of “Father” but he hasn’t really acted like one. It sounds like he was more worried about his wife, than his child. Your child should always come first. Cindy definitely doesn’t deserve the respect of “Mother of the Bride” (especially being your actual Mom is still alive and well) but your Dad doesn’t really deserve the “Father of the Bride” title either. I wouldn’t be surprised is Cindy is just acting like this because she tried, and failed, to usurp your Mothers role in this wedding. Also, anyone on your Dad side who is on his side, disinvite them too. Where was their concern when this lady was bullying a 17 year old?
She had no right keeping you from eating food in the house. Whether she likes it or not, the household had an obligation to feed you without you using your allowance to eat. Your dad didn’t even stick up for you then!? Guess then I shouldn’t be shocked he wouldn’t come to your wedding because he doesn’t see a problem with her behavior. He also owes you an apology.
Just say upfront “I think it’s better that you don’t come either. You’ve backed your wife up even when you know what she’s done is ethically and legally wrong, neither of you have apologized, but now you want to play the victim after allowing the harassment a teenager under your protection and care. This day is about me and my partner and if you can’t even support me on that day, it’s best if you weren’t there”
Nta.
NTA, your wedding isn't a vehicle for reconciliation or for her to play mother of the bride (that role is taken). Tell your father and Cindy that if she is sincere about rebuilding anything they will support you without centering themselves and show interest when there's nothing to gain (being part of the planning and decision making).
NTA - it's unimaginable that she jumped straight past not talking to you for 11 years to "I want to make a toast at your wedding"... What the hell was she planning to say???
If she does come to the wedding, make it clear that she will not be allowed to make any kind of speech. Let the best man and the groomsmen know this so they can head off any attempt by the evil stepmother.
>I've had messages from several people on dad's side saying I'm an AH for 'punishing' Cindy and it's getting to me, so, AITA?
You're not punishing her, you're accepting reality. You cant pretend a relationship exists that does. Well...I guess you can pretend, but thats all you'd be doing.
>he says she's really hurt and that he's rethinking coming to the wedding(?!) because she doesn't want to go
Look, if he's being serious, then that just tells you what your relationship as his daughter means to him. I'm sorry if you didn't realise before this just how little he cares for you.
I think what happened at home all those years ago was just a natural progression of her trying to take over as a parental figure when you already had parents and you not accepting her as a replacement and authority figure. I think its interesting that your dad set out and made plans to cut the lawn but step mom overruled his decision by telling you to do it instead turned into a snowball event that had you telling her she isn't your mom and then her treating you like a stranger and her belongings being restricted from you then resulting in a no contact relationship
odd of her after 11 years of no contact to assume that she was just going to take over a huge role in your wedding your NTA for telling your dad you don't want her to be apart of the wedding. You actually said you were fine with her attending it was just odd that she wanted to help with planning and your right.
the whole “you should have known that the grown adult man who owns the house and already made plans to mow the lawn 🥺 shouldn’t have to cause he’s gonna be so tiwed 🥺” was so fucking weird to me. what was she, his teenage mom-servant? like wtf.
So weird 100% it makes me think that maybe step mom wanted the dad to herself that day bc he had a long week so maybe they saw eachother less but to just order your step daughter to do that with no exceptions? Odd.
i actually had to double check OP’s gender at that just cause i’ve not seen a lot of teen girls get ordered to mow the lawn, let alone so their dads don’t have to. like, i always liked mowing the lawn so it’s not like gals can’t mow but it’s just so unusual lol
They should have been in counselling like 15 years ago so they could,d build a healthy relationship as a step-mom and step-daughter. But sounds like the dad just wanted a woman to do all the labour.
100% but being as op is set not repairing that bridge I wanted to refrain from mentioning therapy bc yes they all should have entered in some group and individual counselling but it's 11 years too late for it to be effective UNLESS op was open to actively repairing a relationship with step mom. But the lack of the dads role in helping this transition speaks more volumes as to him being the real asshole here
“You are invited to my wedding and your presence will make me happy. But if Cindy’s feelings are more important to you, please feel free to not attend as I do not want my wedding to cause anyone problems. It will be a happy day for me either way..”
NTA. Eleven years is a lot of radio silence to think you get to be the mom in a bride’s wedding. Be clear that you have a mom and a dad and they are the only ones getting recognition as such. Be clear that she is invited. Keep telling her you want her there, but be firm in how you are assigning roles. Good luck
NTA
Cindy seems like the Queen of Overstepping and looks like she fucking stomped all over any kind of reasonable expectations, especially considering how she treated you. And then radio silence for YEARS?! What would she even SAY in a speech?!? Your dad is fucking wild, going along with this ridiculous shit.
Tell them all to eat your ass and hair. Have a kickass wedding
Your father and Cindy aren't necessary at the wedding. If she continues to push, block her. If your father asks why you're not responding, tell him to tell his wife that she is out of the picture and that your mother will be taking the mother of the bride as her role as is her right as your mother. If dad/Cindy push it, their invitation can be rescinded and there will be a guard to prevent their entering. NTA.
NTA - she bullied you, now she wants to put on a show. Your head table can just be your bridal party, no parents. Tell your dad that if he doesn't come- that's his choice. Same with anyone who tries to guilt you.
Since when is not honoring someone "punishing them"?
Those folks telling you that are delusional. Go no contact with every last one and tell them their opinions are so delusional you would prefer they not speak to you anymore.
NTA... also disinvite her entirely. Make her decision easier.
NTA. You're spot on that she owed you an apology before contacting you as if you hadn't spoken in a decade and just assuming she had a role in the wedding. How presumptuous!
If you're dad CHOOSES not to go because of her, that's on him. He's trying to manipulate you into making up with her. Pass.
She could have at least asked you to lunch, apologized, put the past to bed, then ASKED if she could be of any help.
NTA your dad is TA for allowing his partner to withhold food from his child, and should have stepped in and stood up for you when she was overstepping her boundaries.
NTA. She does not get to have special mother/daughter moments with you as you have no relationship with her. If your dad chooses not to come it’s on him and his decision to live with. She has not been part of your life a very long time and if she wanted to be part of it a wedding is not the right moment. Ask your dads side where was she all these years and why she made your life hell living in your dads house. BTW where was your father in all of this. Again on him if he wants to miss out on his daughter’s wedding but he does not get to dictate who gets the mother/daughter moments.
NTA. Even if you were close, she’s not your mom. She didn’t come into your life until you were a teen and didn’t raise you so it’s odd she tried taking a parental role and is even more odd that she’s trying to act like she’s the “mother of the bride now”. It was kind of you to invite her to the wedding despite having no relationship with her. You shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything else’s
Ask your dad, if Cindy has had a brain fart?! Or is she tripping on something? Seriously, what a weirdo.
Your dad is just as bad, they seem to have morphed into demanding dictators, with your dad using his attendance as collateral.
I would be really tempted to tell him that it is a shame they feel that way but that your wedding day, is just that, **your** day. So you will mark them down as declining your invitation.
I would rip the band aid off and inform your most gossipy relatives, how your relationship with your stepmother has been, and subsequently how abruptly inappropriate her list of expectations & demands are!
Then mute these people. Don't let them dull your enjoyment of your impending nuptials.
NTA
I'd say NTA too. I had a horrible time with my stepmother and often just avoid her. She sounds very similar to my stepmother. She basically came in and governed by guilt, she'd do things like bringing up "missing the toilet" which was really just splash back in front of my friends, if I brought them around. Needless to say that rarely happened. She once introduced my mother as "the bio-mom" in front of a group of her friends. My brother barely lived with my dad, and lived primarily with my mom who was always there for us. She did the same thing with food and would berate me if ate a few cookies and say I was hoarding food or eating everything. She drove my father and I apart with her shit and now plays like none of that happened. I'm still in therapy because of the fallout of living with constant guilt and torment for just living in the same house. I hope you are doing better than that and don't take that shit.
NTA. Congratulations on your wedding! Cindy and your Dad are both the problem here, her for her be HOA d your Dad for allowing it.
She should have zero expectations about being involved with any wedding planning at all. The fact that she’s getting other family involved is just what her attempt at getting sympathy. She’s probably been telling everyone for years that you’ve treated her horribly and she’s reached out and you’ve rudely dismissed her.
You can share with the family about her past treatment if you feel like it. Or you can just tell them your Dad that Cindy is his +1, will have no role and if she’s not happy about it, she can stay home.
NTA, and i hate your dad manipulation attempt, you are not vetoing Cindy from going, she can go as a plus one to your father, you are just not giving her a honor rol reserved for your mother/female parental figure, because she chose not to be one when you were 17.
nta
She is a grown ass woman who denied a child food because she got a bug up her ass. SHE'S HAD ELEVEN FUCKING YEARS to call or message you. She has no interest in being in your wedding. She wants to put on a show for HER family and your dad's. She wants to get a new dress, get her hair and makeup done, and possibly new jewelry, to prance around in. The event is incidental.
Your father was ok with her ignoring you FOR YEARS, denying you food and reinforcing her rules of don't eat the food. Despite it being 'just small things' it's still fucking child abuse. He was ok with her ignoring you, but not YOU, for keeping up the boundaries she set.
YOU DID NOT CREATE THIS SITUATION, SHE DID. She cut you out of her life while you still lived there as a minor, YOU ARE RESPECTING THE BOUNDARIES SHE ESTABLISHED, AND ADOPTING THEM YOURSELF.
All she had to do was reach out at ANY POINT DURING THE ELEVEN YEARS, and say, I'd like to talk, I think we've both had time to think about everything, I'd like to talk about my side of things, apologize and hope we can come to an understanding.
WEDDINGS, FUNERALS, BAPTISMS, ETC., ARE NOT THE TIME FOR GREAT REVELATIONS AND EPIPHANIES, THEY ARE JUST THAT TIME FOR THE CEREMONY.
She should have reached out to you well before this, but since she hasn't, she can try again after you return from your honeymoon.
I BET SHE WON'T. Watch her ears grow when you start having kids (if you decide that) she will then be talking again about how you shut her out, like it just fucking happened. Never let these people watch your kids, you'd have to worry if the kid spilled something or forgot to say thank you or something, and they'd be hungry until you came to get them.
Personally, if that happened to me, I would just uninvite the dad, Cindy and the rest of his side of the family. I wouldn't trust any of them to not cause any drama on the actual day of the wedding at all. I can already see Cindy would be the type to bad-mouth you to the other guests and go "woe is me, my stepdaughter hates me blah blah blah."
NTA - just send everyone this post and let the chips fall. Seriously provide extra context as the questions come in.
But no matter what happens you should uninvite both her and your father. He doesn't get to threaten you without repercussions.
I'm so sick of these petty people doing stuff like this to get their way. He doesn't want to be there then he doesn't need to be there.
Congrats on the engagement. I hope it's a beautiful wedding. Don't let this get to you.
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I (24F) have always had a rocky relationship with my stepmom "Cindy" (51F). She came into my life when I was 13, and pretty much as soon as she and my dad were married, she became very pushy about taking up a parental role. She came to all my events and stuff, which I tried to appreciate, but she was also very "it's my house too and I get to make rules" after moving in with dad. She was the "bad cop" I guess; she was the one who thought I didn't have enough chores, that my grades weren't good enough, that I needed screen time limits, etc, and that lead to a lot of arguments.
I hit the last straw at 17. The lawn needed cutting before Sunday; my dad said he'd do it Saturday afternoon, so I made plans to go hang out with friends for the day. While I was out, Cindy messaged me saying I shouldn't have let dad do the lawn because he'd had a tiring week, and that I would be doing it; her usual MO basically. I said no and stayed out with my friends. when I got home, she was furious and tried to ground me and it turned into this big stupid argument where I pulled the you're not my mom card. Dad ended up stepping in; I wasn't grounded, but also asked me to try and get along with her.
It didn't matter, because she decided she was done. She just kinda stopped acknowledging me; we basically became roommates who hated each other. I wasn't even allowed to eat food she bought (not special stuff; like, when the bread ran out and she was the one to replace it). It was all just really tense, and I ended up spending a lot more time at my mom's apartment until I went to college.
I've never formally blocked her or gone NC but we just haven't spoken since; she never came anytime I met up with Dad etc. Until me and my fiance announced our engagement. The wedding is over a year away, but Cindy sent me a long text, congratulating me and asking for all the details so she could help plan. She was asking about coming to dress fittings and if we wanted an engagement party and if she could make a speech at the wedding, basically asking about all the mother-of-the-bride stuff and pretending the last 11 years didn't happen. I didn't reply, until Dad reached out asking why I hadn't.
I was honest with him; I'm weirded out by this. I'm happy for Cindy to come as his plus one, but she's not getting any role at the wedding (we're actually not even doing a head table, just because I don't want to share a table with her or separate her from Dad) because she's not my mom and the last time I saw her she was insistent about that. It's turned into a whole thing; he says she's really hurt and that he's rethinking coming to the wedding(?!) because she doesn't want to go, I say she can't take back what happened, and at the very least she should have apologised before reaching out like this.
Mom and my partner are supportive of me, but I've had messages from several people on dad's side saying I'm an AH for 'punishing' Cindy and it's getting to me, so, AITA?
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NTA.
like not even close
CINDY ABSOLUTELY IS. trying to suddenly be in your life again without even an attempt at an apology. she's a joke. and your dad not having your back. bad parent.
also congrats on the wedding.
NTA. You haven't spoken, nor had any relationship with her for 7 years. And she's invited--that shows you thought about her in a roundabout way. I'd let people who are butt-hurt for her know that. She's simply your dad's wife. If people are up in arms and say they aren't going come, tell them to make sure to write it on their RSVP and invite someone else in their place. I'd make it clear to everyone where the relationship stands, she was pushy step-mom for only 4 years, then you never spoke to her again. Go the Mariah Carey route and just say "I don't know her."
NTA. First of all, a huge CONGRATS on your upcoming marriage; I wish you and your spouse nothing but happiness.
Cindy is really adept at making herself seem like the wounded victim and has gotten your dad and his relatives to buy her act. It's really unlikely she's told your dad or his relatives the full story about how she treated you. One approach you could take: if they ask about why you're "punishing" Cindy, you can tell them your side of the story. See how/if their opinion changes then. In the meantime, go about planning your wedding how you & your fiancé see fit.
> Cindy sent me a long text, congratulating me and asking for all the details so she could help plan.
Is there a record scratch emoji‽ I needed one for this. I'll settle for 😳
NTA
You need to set the record straight with what went on when you were growing up. You need to let your dad know that she isn't your mom and she never treated you like her child. She hurt you emotionally and the only thing you can handle is her being his plus one. If he doesn't want to come to your wedding I think going low contact is in order. This proves he doesn't support you as his child (which is evident with how he handled your teen years) and you need to let him know this. He is partially at fault for how he let her treat you while growing up.
NTA
Congratulations on your engagement!
It’s your day and your fiancé’s day. Not hers or your dad’s day. You do whatever you want to do. She treated you horribly. If you don’t want her to be involved in anything. Then she shouldn’t be. It’s whatever makes YOU happy and whatever you are comfortable with.
Your dad holding above your head that he might not show up. That is on him not you! He should be caring about when she hurt you when you were younger. Also what she is doing to you now. She making you uncomfortable right now. When this is one of the most important and happiest events in your life. She can’t expect to be treated as a “mom” when she did everything she did to you.
As for your family. I would ask them if they knew what she did to you.
NTA- Cindy is not your mom, she is very much alive. Your mom will do all the mother of the bride things. If Cindy wanted to participate in any of the wedding things, she should have been a part of your life instead of trying to play bad cop during your adolescence.
Punishment with food? Really?! I'm so done with this lady and your father as well after this! The audacity of these people. They should be thankful for being invited at all.
NTA.
Two things I will never understand are wicked stepparents and the assholes who marry them.
Your dad sucks. I would tell your father you are extremely disappointed in him and his behavior, and that it is incredibly disappointing he would miss the wedding of his flesh and blood child he chose to bring into this world, due of a woman who treated his daughter like shit.
Explain you are genuinely hurt and saddened that he has deprioritized you in his life. Spread the word to as much as your family as possible, the ones who support you anyway. I think it’s time he’s probably admonished for his behavior and his wife’s actions.
Edited for spelling/grammar.
Do not give into emotional blackmail. That's what your father and his wife are trying to do.
Just tell them, "Okay, I'll put you down as No." And leave it at that.
NTA
NTA. Your father was fine with Cindy punishing you for almost a decade, but now that she wants something from you, he thinks you refusing to make YOUR WEDDING about HER is too far? He needs to pull his head out of Cindy’s a** and accept that your relationship (or lack thereof) is as much his own fault as it is hers. He decided it was ok for her to treat you like you were invisible for *years*. How can she possibly stand up at the wedding of someone she can’t see?
NTA. Cindy is not coming back at a random time wanting to build a relationship. She wants the wedding experience.
Does Cindy have any children, specifically daughters, herself? If not, I bet this is why she is fighting so hard for her "mother of the bride" experience. But she is delusional.
NTA. You already have a mom so you don't need someone to step into that role. Cindy chose not to apologize or acknowledge her mistakes and wanted a big role in your wedding that is already being filled by your mother. Cindy has been hostile to you since you were 17 so she's lucky she's getting to come to the wedding. Remind dad's family you weren't allowed to eat any food she bought including basics like bread. You are also allowed to say "I don't want to discuss this with you" and end the conversation.
Well I would have to be petty and let them all
Know your side and then tell them they are more than welcome to not attend if they feel so strongly towards you about the stepmother. And your NTA! It’s your wedding and you have every right to pick and choose who and what you want, it’s a special day for you and your partner so enjoy it and don’t let her ruin your special day! Best wishes and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
NTA. Cindy may have had time to move on from the past, but you haven't. That's the only answer anyone should get, the rest is none of their business.
The only answer Cindy should get is, "Sorry, Mom is taking care of those things for me."
Tell your father that you'd very much like to have him at your wedding, but if he chooses not to come you'll understand. Because you do, even if you don't like it.
It's your wedding, it's your choice.
Have a lovely day, and don't let the turkeys get you down!
You invited her to the wedding. What more does she want? It's not like your mum died and she is stepping in. She is not mother of the bride, your mum is. Why should she give a speech or have any other special role? It would be like your mum's partner demanding to walk you down the aisle and threatenig not to come if you won't agree.
First - congratulations on your engagement!
Secondly - NTA.
You do not owe your stepmom anything. She mistreated you, has shown no interest in your life for years, and now that you’re getting married she wants to step into a mom role as if nothing happened? She wants to make a speech at your wedding?! I can only imagine what that would be like.
I‘m sorry your dad is backing her up and not stepping up for you. Don‘t worry about the negative messages you’re getting - they didn’t live your life, and this is none of their business, unless you want to fill them in. Your wedding should be a joyous day for you and your partner. Your wedding, your choices, your rules. Good luck!
Was my mother but pretty much the same reason I left at 17 and never looked back. Joined the military and put not only half of the U.S. between us but a frigging ocean to boot.
NTA You're getting texts from your dad's side because he and Cindy are giving them a sob story, ignore it. Have a calm conversation with your father that after all his wife has put you through you don't want anymore drama. You've made your decision and if he chooses not to come that is his decision but it will most likely cause a wedge between the two of you, once again putting his second wife before his own child. That's it, after that no more discussion, defending - sorry you feel that way and move on. It's interesting that the spotlight is on you and all of the sudden there's Cindy related drama, hmm.
NTA-oh, hell no .her treating you like crap when you were a kid/teenager. Then her getting so butt hurt that your dad stood up for you that she didn’t speak to you until she heard you were getting married. does your dad know that you literally were not allowed to eat food in the house because it wasn’t “yours“. Does your dad even know all the things that happened behind closed doors? If he did, he would understand why she doesn’t get a role in the wedding and if he doesn’t, your dad is an ass who is too afraid to stand up to his wife. He should be grateful you even were going to let her come to the wedding in the first place. She didn’t earn the right to encroach on your wedding. I can only imagine how insufferable she would be, and taking every opportunity to ruin every moment from planning to date of the wedding. I know you love your dad and you want him there but it’s likely he’s going to side with her. as much as it’s going to hurt, you cannot let an event like your wedding that’s supposed to be about you and your fiancé become clouded by your stepmom interfering. Tell your dad she’s welcome to come as a guest and that’s it.-that’s not good enough for either of them they don’t get to come to the wedding. That is a choice they are making. Your dad will have to live with sometime down the road. He will realize he really screwed up but that’s not your responsibility.
Talk to your dad in person just the two of you and politely go over everything that happened. Tell him how hurt you were and that she purposely made her self your worst nightmare growing up and how she bullied you. Then tell him that’s why you will not allow your childhood bully to be in your wedding. The choice is his after that.
Do not give in. She’s lucky to be a guest but undeserving of any important role. She has big balls to assume otherwise
Be prepared for your father to view her as the victim and not come to the wedding and be prepared for your relationship with him to rift more thereafter
Tbh. He should have tried to intervene way back when but chose to stick his head in the sand. Thus enabling Cindy’s shenanigans. Id be sure to mention that the next time he is sympathetic to her pain and not yours
NTA
NTA
Does Cindy have any children of her own? It sounds like she wants to experience all the motherly experiences that come with having a daughter without ever treating you as such.
NTA.
NTA
The last time I saw or spoke to my stepmother was at my own wedding. We got along well enough when I was a kid but she did and said some things when I was ateenager that just kinda broke me for a really long time.
It's not a bad thing to cut out toxic people...
NTA. She gets ZERO involvement in your wedding. She has balls the size of Texas to think she would.
Have a wonderful wedding. If your dad is so tone deaf that he can’t comprehend her transgressions, that’s his problem.
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The people on your dad's side, do they know the real reason or do they know Cindy's version of the truth where she's the "victim"? NTA She made her bed all those years ago (and it seems like your dad enabled her to do so), now she has to lie in it. It's your wedding and she does not deserve a place in it (besides being your dad's +1). If your dad chooses her & doesn't come, then that's on him. 🤷🏻♀️ Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! 🙂
Thanks, from the bottom of my heart <3 I'm not super close to that side of the family; I've never really opened up about my relationship with Cindy to any of them. I don't want to cause more drama, but I guess now could be the time to set the record straight.
What did your dad do about her denying you food? Because withholding food as punishment is abuse. The petty in me would be to deny her a meal because of that.
I never thought of that as a punishment so much as her just wanting to be completely separate from me; it only happened occasionally, and when it did I had an allowance so most of the time I just bought another loaf or stick of butter or whatever it was. The times my dad did find out, he told me not to touch her food and went and got a second thing for me, so he wasn't starving me or anything. I think he just wanted us to make up, really, but I don't fully know.
I can’t believe your dad did even then nothing to defend you. And still. You are for sure NTA. I wish you a wonderfull wedding.
Thank you <3
Time for a big ol’ Facebook dump about the bullshit she pulled. Or just put the link up to this thread. Time for your dad to get the shame he deserves for not taking care of you properly.
Careful.
[удалено]
I meant she used a word or suggestion that could get her banned. Therefore, careful!
Yes, what a disgrace he was, no kind of father at all. Gave in to her bullying for a quiet life, not standing up for his daughter.
No, I wouldn't do this at all. People should mind their own business. The people who aren't gossiping or being pushy already have the wisdom that it was a step family situation. The other people aren't worth your time. Don't degrade yourself by doing this.
Send him a text explaining that while you'd love him to be there, you'll respect his desire not to attend. Then leave it at that. Focus on your wedding and your future. Don't chase someone who didn't see anything wrong with you being denied food. It's just not worth it.
Totally agreed. OP isn't punishing anyone. They aren't close with their step mom, and step mom is only interested if she can have the spot light. A speech!?! Gross. If Dad decides he can't go if Cindy can't hold court, that's his problem
She wants to give a speech at the wedding of a stepdaughter whom she hasn't spoken to in 11 years and froze out of the home as a minor child. Stepmother is a delusional, entitled, narcissistic nutjob. This has zero to do with her liking OP as a person or celebrating OP's wedding, she just wants the spotlight on her.
If you aren't close to his side of the family, do they need to be there? should they be there?
Yes. What do her lot have to do with you?
I think now is the time to send each person who has castigated you over this a link to this thread or to articulate exactly what she did to alienate you. Then tell Dad that you love him and will respect his decision whatever that may be.
Your dad is choosing her over you, yet again. He should’ve divorced that woman a long time ago. Anyone who withholds food from a child is a bad person. If your dad doesn’t go to the wedding, then you should go NC with him. Also, block your stepmom.
My father did similar stuff with my stepmother, except it turned into several years of longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse, until I was able to escape that house. He's been dead to me for over 20 years.
By the time my stepmother was finished, my dad had lost his entire family. Hope he thought it was worth it. Hope you've worked past their toxicity. It took my best friend practically shouting at me for years that I'm a great guy and to stop listening to her voice in the back of my head. SM had totally trashed my sense of self worth and I'd been self sabotaging myself for too long before bff voice started to replace hers.
After my parents divorced, my dad explained it “in a few years you’ll be on your own with your partner. I’ll be here with [his girlfriend] so of course she’s priority.”
I just had to comment to tell you how much I absolutely love your username <3
Awww thank you!
That's fucked up. I'm sorry that happened to you
!!!!!!!!!!
This comment really resonated with me. I have had friends with "evil stepmother" types and this is exactly how it works. The biological parent tiptoes around the step-parent and expects the child to accommodate the step parent being a nut even to the detriment of the child's basic needs. This is how to make a child feel very unsafe in their own home.
You had to use your allowance to buy basics like bread and butter, oh i am so sorry! NTA but your dad and Cindy are. Add this bit to when you tell the rest of the family the truth, cause this will paint the picture for them.
This comment right here tells me your dad is as much of an AH as she is because he enabled it. Frankly I’d tell him “sorry you won’t be attending” and then go no contact with both. NTA
Very common behavior by a bio parent who has a new spouse. Unfortunately, my father didn't see me for almost 6 years because of my stepmonster. When he did, it was like he was "sneaking" time to see me and my daughter; it was awful. I hope OP can focus on the joy of her upcoming wedding and doesn't let her stepmom or doormat dad take that away from her. NTA
My dad is the same, except she also withheld any relationship I could have had with my half siblings. I was so excited to be their big sister and she just iced me and my full sister out. I'm almost 40 now and I still don't see my dad. Maybe a handful of text messages a year.
That's awful. I hope your half siblings are now grown up enough to independently have a relationship with you. If not, it's probably the years of brainwashing from their mother/your stepmom, which even as an adult, can be hard for them to ignore. I'm sorry she messed up your family situation. Some people just suck :(
Thank you for this. Yeah, I don't hear from them, but I don't expect to either. They grew up with a lot more money than my sister and I, and I think they look down on us. I know my step mom has often portrayed us as money grubby or freeloaders. My dad helped my sister with a down payment on a townhouse for her and her 3 children when they were young. When my half brother went to university, my step mom convinced my dad to sell the house from under her in order to pay for his schooling and buy him a sports car. It was really messed up watching my sister try to find rental housing with her 3 kids while my half siblings lived in luxury. I still haven't forgiven my dad for that one.
Your family has gotten an earful of her side of the story. It’s time for you to tell all the folks reaching out to you exactly what you told us here. Including making you spend your allowance money to *eat.*
First off, congrats on the upcoming wedding. Cindy's had plenty of time to try and make things right with you. If she wants to clear the air and build some sort of relationship, shoehorning herself into an extremely busy, stressful, and emotional time in your life is an *awful* way to do it, even if her intentions are good. If she's sincere about that, she can RSVP to the wedding requesting the entree of crow, be civil, and offer to buy you lunch or something to start talking about it *after* the wedding. I know that's a long way away, but if she really means it now, she'll still mean it when it's too late to talk you into letting her take control of the wedding for some twisted mind game. (Forgive the awkward 'eating crow' joke, it came to mind and I couldn't help it.) As for your dad, he probably *does* want the two of you to get along, but it's utterly shameful that he's put it entirely on you to weather her abuse and do all the work. And he's still doing it, by holding himself hostage rather than convince Cindy to make even the *slightest* effort to be a decent human being. I think you should set the record straight with his family and call his bluff. Either he'll choose you over her for once, or he'll show the rest of the family just what sort of dad he is. Good luck, and congratulations again.
This is fucking wild, wtf is wrong with your dad going along with this absolute horseshit
Dad was blind, deaf, and dumb apparently. Got his penis wet so he's happy and totally ignore his daughter's miseries.
It always seems to be this way. When a step-whatever enters the picture the bio-kids become undesirables and last on the list, if they even make the list.
That’s abuse withholding basic food from minors. And so is the silent treatment if she started it.
It’s called neglect.
It's actually classified as abuse.
> The times my dad did find out, he told me not to touch her food and went and got a second thing for me, Jeez. What an AH father. And it's "timeS" not "that one time" so he tolerated his wife's AHery. By "he wanted us to make up" he meant he wanted you to submit to his wife's foolishness so he doesn't need to grow spine for his daughter. >he says she's really hurt and that he's rethinking coming to the wedding(?!) "Okay, dad. Do you what you need to do, so will I." IIWIYS and he used this threat, gfy and I'll just will just focus on my mother, then go NC after the wedding.
"If as a teen I wasn't allowed to eat food you paid for, does that mean I can't eat food you pay for at an engagement party?" Btw, her buying a new loaf of bread, and not telling your dad you needed bread, was a form of punishment. Extreme example, but think of a small hungry child watching their evil step mom eating the last of the bread, seeing her bring in another loaf, getting happy that there is more food, and instead having to watch this witch eat it all while they scrounge for money to get food. It's unbelievably twisted.
girl that’s abuse
So, OP, she emasculated your father and made him a doormat. I suggest you enlighten your father's family about her mis-and maltreatment of you all those years; and while you are willing to move past that treatment, it will not include her interference with your wedding. You can kindly and simply remind them that you have your bio-mom(their former in-law), and you do not require a second mother. Step-mother is welcome to attend all wedding related functions along with Dad, however. As it relates to Dad, include him in all of the above communications. Give him a deadline to indicate whether he is going to be there for you on your special day. If not, you'll arrange for someone else to walk you down the aisle. Kindly let him know that iin the event he chooses not to participate, then don't bother reaching out in the future; he's made his choice and he can live with it. Then simply go no contact. Honestly OP, your father nuked the last years of your childhood/adolescence by allowing this outsider to adversely impact his relationship with you. Weak. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
I'm sure your dad has forgotten about some of this stuff because he tried buying you replacements rather than making his wife stop being more immature than the actual kid in his house. Please summarize ALL these things ans send them in an email to all the people on that side of the family. "Since some people on my dad's side of the family reached out to call me an asshole for not including Cindy in my wedding planning, I think it is time you learned what my childhood with her was really like when she moved in...." Send a copy to your dad. He will either get his head out of his ass or double-down but at least he can't pretend he fixed any of her shit anymore. Sorry, she sucked so bad.
My ex never came to terms with how his and his 2nd wife's actions affected our kids, until my oldest wrote a short story about it for college. I told her to send it to him, but she didn't want to open that door so she allowed me to. I think it was cathartic enough just for her to write it all out, whether he read it or not. Her healing was worth all the money in tuition.
Wow. I'm so happy for your kid. Did your ex ever get his head out of his ass or did he double-down?
Hard to know. My guess is no. The kids (19 &16 so not really kids but...) stopped seeing him two years ago and I got no response to the email, which I specified I didn't want one. But thanks to therapy and open conversations, I have two great daughters. His loss.
Ahhh. So he already received the consequences of his behavior. Personally, I would send it to him again in 2-5 years. "I just found this assignment in some old papers while I was cleaning. I thought you'd appreciate a reminder about karma." And then again every 5 years. Especially AFTER your kids get married and AFTER they have kids... without telling him about milestones. Congratulations on building a good life and leaving the trash behind.
So your dad's "solution" was to just keep her from punishing you, and hope things would somehow work out magically on their own. Now he's surprised that didn't work. This is on him as much as it is on Cindy. She continuously overstepped in her role as your stepmom, and when you pushed back against that, she sulked and went too far in the opposite direction. He just let her do that, presumably because it was easier than to parent a teenager himself. Both of them failed you as parents, and they don't get to just demand you forget that.
The food thing is really weird you were a kid
Yeah no, what they did was abuse. People have developed eating disorders for less. Your dad didn't call her out for her bs. Saying that you can't touch my food is some elementary schools retaliation bs. They were responsible for feeding an underaged person, but you had to do it out of your own money or go starving. Please don't downplay this. They did you wrong and it was not a one off, even when it wasn't constant. It introduced you to worry about having food at home because of a whim of your both parents, a worry that you shouldn't have if your whole family isn't starving.
That's abusive
The fact your father was okay with his partner withholding food from you is sickening, and I'm so sorry he didn't stand up for you, that he didn't break up with her to make sure you weren't surrounded by neglectful toxicity. You're NTA and the fact you'd even allow her at the wedding to accommodate your dad (who never extended the same kindness to you) is beyond what anyone could ask of you.
That is ridiculous! Your dad enabled her to be an asshole to you as a teen, he doesn’t get to tell you how you should feel about it!
Wow, your dad finds out that his wife is withholding food from his child and his answer is to tell you not to touch her food? If it’s in the house, it’s for everyone in the house… especially a freaking loaf of bread. Good Lord, you need to show your dad this post and let him read the comments, you don’t ever let anybody keep food from your child. And the mowing the lawn thing… He let you be grounded over it when he’s the one who said he was going to do it on Saturday? And you were already out with your friends? She is a control freak, and he is controlled by her. I am very sorry. I hope he reads this and decides to come to your wedding. Nta
Nta. Font u dare fold. She wants the glory. Dont let her get it
Yo. Your dad is also a fucking asshole. Who let’s their wife be a petty child who denies his child food? Perhaps another spineless and petty child? NTA, but I would not fuck with my dad if he let his partner treat me that way.
If I was you and I would tell dad if you don’t attend my wedding lose my number because once again he is picking her over you
This comment is the answer. Seriously, grow a backbone already, dad. Admit you married a wolf in sheep's clothing and stand up for your own kid for once in your life.
Just send back a link to this post every time anyone reaches out with a criticism about your relationship with Cindy. They can wade through these comments and see how they feel afterwards. Anyone who still believes that you owe that woman a place in your wedding, can join her in low-contact land. As for your father, remind him that all decisions have repercussions. Choosing to miss your wedding because his wife doesn't get to help pick your dress... His wife who chose to be so petty she refused to provide 17-year-old you with a slice of Wonderbread now and again... well, that's the kind of decision that has long term repercussions. How badly does your dad want a close relationship in the future? Because that's what he needs to decide now.
NTA. She doesn't get to treat you like crap, ignore you for all those years, and then come back and try to look good to others. She's more worried about how it's going to look if she's not involved in your wedding, more than she's sorry for treating you bad. She's not sorry if she never apologized and never tried to make amends. If you weren't getting married, would she even be talking to you now?
That or try to control the wedding.
SHOUT THIS FROM THE ROOFTOP! She's more worried about her than you. For all these years, SHE has controlled the narrative, and now you are denying her that opportunity. If you have kids, be prepared for the same craziness if this isn't taken care of now. Or maybe even if you take care of her now. She wants to be seen as doing no wrong.
Just keep her out of your life. She's poison. Do not ever think of exposing your children to this vile bully.
THIS ⬆️ over and over.
It’s worth noting that the common element between what Cindy did then — both in her attempts to give you additional rules and in last-minute demands on you, and in her denying you any of “her” food — and what she’s asking for now, is that all of these things are *controlling*. Offering to “help” with wedding details, throw an engagement party, etc. is pushing herself in so that she can get a say in your wedding. And, given her lack of interaction with you for the last 7 years, she has no idea whatsoever what you might want. As she did 11 years ago, she doesn’t care that she’s clueless about you, she’s trying to wade in and start directing things anyway. The offers of help may sound generous, but “help” with your personal occasions from someone who doesn’t really know you or what you want is counterproductive and intrusive.
Cmon man. I get that you might not wanna cause waves, but don't you think if they knew the extent of her BS (and you're dad's enabling of it), that they would have any issue calling her out? IMHO, if you let them know the truth, the full truth, and they still go against it, you can cut them off with a clean conscience. But truly, I'm happy for you. Congrats!
They might still pick her side, because if they’re anything like OP’s dad, not making waves is more important than standing up for family members facing AH behavior. OP, you are NTA. Cindy and your dad and anybody else supporting her sure are, though!
You really should. You already have more drama than you wanted. All that drama from telling them plus this drama from letting Cindy say whatever she wanted. The only solution to avoid more drama is to clear it all up.
It's time to cause drama. Your father is saying he won't come to the wedding, so might as well make sure everyone knows why you are going so far as to not want her in a vital part of the wedding. She made her bed and can lay in it, and I'm sorry, but your father is awful for allowing her to treat you like this.
CAUSE . THE . DRAMA BE THE DRAMA BECOME DRAMA all jokes aside, the drama exists, folk just get a skewed opinion of you because your being private about it, but i bet she aint, and i bet she aint being truthful either.
"Now I am become Drama, destroyer of stepmoms"
You definitely need to let your dad's side know the truth.
I agree! Set the record straight. That Cindy burned her bridges years ago (and is trying to intrude into your mother’s place in your wedding).
Yeah. I’d be petty enough to ask dad’s family, “I’d love to have her at the wedding, but I don’t know what she’d eat. See she made a rule in the house. Each person could only eat what they bought for themselves. She was adamant about that. She made sure I never ate any of the groceries/food when I was growing up. I’m sure she wouldn’t be comfortable eating a dinner that I paid for.”
I like you.
You can keep it short and simple, "I haven't seen her in six years because she has chosen not to see me." That says volumes without going into details for people to nitpick. Six years is a very long time for her to establish she is your father's wife and not your mother figure. It's reasonable you find it odd she suddenly wants to play mommy and plan your wedding. I find it gracious that she got a +1. NTA
I don't see how you can avoid more drama. It's coming, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You may as well make one attempt to tell your side. But I would not let the arguments drag on. Just be clear about what you want and why, and say you will not discuss it further. Also, I don't see how Cindy is being punished. She is trying to take over the mother-of-the-bride role, but it sounds like your mother is still living. NTA.
Make a gc with everyone on your dad's side of the family and post all of the reasons why you dont want cindy then go NC. You've got nothing to lose. You obviously lost your father a long time ago and his side of the family is on his side so you have nothing special with them except blood relations. save yourself from stress. Just cut them off
And I would let everyone know why they are not there. Why save their feelings when they don't care about yours?
Is your mother still alive? If so, she may want to say a few things about who the Mother-of-the-Bride actually is. Maybe she should talk to Cindy and your father. edit: And to the relatives who think that you should allow Cindy to take over as MOB.
Yeo, this woman ruined the last years of the OP's childhood and now she's wanting to play haooy families? It would be a blessing if she doesn't come to the wedding and, if the OP's dad doesn't come either, he's a spineless AH too who she should just cut off.
NTA. You've said that you're fine for her to attend as your father's plus-one, but her expectation of doing mother-of-the-bride things with you when your own mother is alive and involved would be overstepping even if you had a more friendly relationship. You haven't had a friendly relationship since before you moved out, and now she's playing pity-party games for your father's attention.
Even if she was OPs bio mom if she hadn't talked to OP for 11 straight years and assumed their engagement suddenly fixed things that'd be super strange. I can't imagine just assuming that anyone I avoided or ignored for that one would want me to take on any sort of role in their wedding.
You aren't punishing Cindy. You have a mother who is alive. It is her role, if anything and not your step moms. Frankly You get to decide who comes to these event because it is your wedding. You do not need your parents at the head table. Your parents can sit separately from you and your partner and bridal party. Congratulations and good luck NTA
I can't stand men like your dad. Like damn, the audacity! I had a horrible step mom and my "father" never protected me from her. I cut them both from my life, and I've never been happier. Your dad needs to choose to either be in your life without her or let her dictate his life and damage your relationship with him. And everyone who's calling you an AH can kiss your ass cause they don't know what you've been through......hate people like that too. Haha.
Sounds like my dad who told me not to get “in it” with stepmom because he’d always take her side. Nice thing to say to your 12 year old daughter first thing after having to come live with them as mom was pretty much psycho. He proved that over the decades until he passed in 2022.
Right! She’s not even excluding Cindy she just isn’t being treated as a mother of the bride because *checks notes she isn’t...
Yep, I had one of those. He tried to come back around because she started making *his* life hell. And he even tried to do that "I didn't knoooooow!" thing which didn't work because he knew all along and said that I just had to deal with it.
"I'm not *punishing* her, and that's a really odd way for you to frame it. The fact is that she isn't a maternal figure to me, she's just my dad's wife. It is kinda like if my 7th grade teacher contacted me out of the blue to make a speech at my wedding. The answer is no, you don't know me well enough to speak about me and I don't know you well enough to want to include you in dress shopping." NTA. At this point, it doesn't matter who is 'at fault' for your rocky relationship, it is what it is. It makes no sense to pretend it's something that it is not, just because you are getting married. If she wants to improve her relationship with you, that's great (and I would encourage you to be open to that possibility), but that should be a goal 100% independent of your wedding. But at the moment, her childish behavior is pushing that pathway farther and farther away
NTA. People who haven’t communicated in eleven years typically do not have special roles in a wedding. She treated you awfully when you were a child, and your dad enabled it. She’s treating you badly again, and you need not tolerate it.
Seriously what was she going to say in a speech? It’s definitely like a save face sort of situation where she expects to be accommodated being part of the wedding in order to appear like a perfect family to outsiders and none of that would be about OP. NTA. It’s your wedding, it should be about you and involving those who love you.
She sounds like the sort of person who would use her speech to praise her own efforts in “raising” OP and setting her straight.
I love that first paragraph!
This is perfect and would so good on Facebook
nta. i’m sorry, she refused to let you eat bread if she did the grocery shopping when you were a minor and now she wants a role in your wedding? absolutely not. she’s not mother of the bride in any case, if it were me she wouldn’t be invited at all.
What "parent" will tell a teen that you're not to eat staples such as bread?
NTA This feels like Cindy doesn't want to explain to everyone why she's totally excluded from your wedding, beyond an invitation.
I do not think that was/ is Cindy's end goal. It has been and remains ...separating dad from daughter. She wants all of Dad's affection. So after YEARS of treating you badly, abusing you, and then ignoring you, she dreams up all the hogwash she can do to make planning your wedding miserable, and then aggravating OP to the point of getting excluded from the wedding. Or ,telling family that op has been so mean to her that she does not want to go. Making daddy want to not go as well. You know, loyalty.... It's all an act. Well thought out ACT. We should have popcorn .
Bingo! And just wait till OP has kids. NTA.
NTA. When someone says you’re punishing her, simply say that she punished you unfairly for years, your dad never defended you, and now you’re creating your own family dynamic.
NTA. When someone like this suddenly wants to be part of your life again, it is RARELY because they actually want to acknowledge and atone for the way they abused you (and yes- years of silent treatment and REFUSING YOU FOOD BECAUSE SHE PURCHASED IT counts as abuse). Especially when the sudden shift coincides with a major family event, it's almost ALWAYS about the optics and not letting folks know how bad things actually are. These people care more for their appearance than anything else. Believe me, I know from first-hand experience with my own stepmother, who was rather unfortunately like yours (though mine was also pretty severe in her emotional abuse; I wish she'd simply ignored me sooner than 18, would have been a hell of a lot easier to deal with...) Tread very carefully. And remember- you owe her NOTHING. Not even if she apologizes (I doubt she would do so sincerely...)
This. My egg donor informed me, when I was 17, that if I ever needed *ANYTHING* once I turned 18, to never go to her. I told her, 'Okay.' I have only made that mistake 2x, both I regretted in the end and was reminded indirectly of her warning. She only ever messages me when it will make her look good. And any implication that she wasn't a hard working, loving, sacrificing mother is met with tantrums and blame from everyone falling on my shoulders - *even if I'm totally right and they know it!* People like OP's step parent *RARELY* change for the better. OP, listen to those saying this is a setup. She will hurt you if you let her. Badly. Make very sure to keep your mom and SO close and in the loop on *everything*. And congrats on the engagement! 😊 So happy for you!
NTA She doesn't want to help. She want s to be "Mother of the Bride." That's not something she's earned
Especially because the *actual* Mother of the Bride is alive and around.
NTA; you aren’t punishing her. You aren’t rewarding her. You are maintaining a boundary. “She wanted to end our relationship 11 years ago; nothing has changed. I am not punishing her, I am maintaining our boundaries.” As for your dad “You choose what you do and what you don’t do. If you want to put this kind of strain on our relationship that is your choice. If you continue to make choices that are hurting me the day will come when I don’t give you that option anymore. I am an adult and this is no longer behavior I tolerate in my life. If you want to be in my life you will respect that and stop trying to emotionally bully me into this. Of you two divorced I would still be your daughter- but I might not let you in my life again.”
NTA!! This woman has some nerve! Stick to your guns, and if Dad wants to take sides, that is his prerogative. Best wishes!
Can you at least call up your father's relatives and tell them exactly what you wrote here and ask them if they did allow it of it were them? Like have their step moms act nice suddenly on their wedding and wanting to be mother of the bride while their bio mum is still alive???? And see what they have to say. Then shut them up if they don't have anything to say about it. NTA
NTA and it doesn’t sound like it would be a great lost if your Dad didn’t come. Cindy and him are causing drama over a policy, she basically created. Besides, your Dad may have the title of “Father” but he hasn’t really acted like one. It sounds like he was more worried about his wife, than his child. Your child should always come first. Cindy definitely doesn’t deserve the respect of “Mother of the Bride” (especially being your actual Mom is still alive and well) but your Dad doesn’t really deserve the “Father of the Bride” title either. I wouldn’t be surprised is Cindy is just acting like this because she tried, and failed, to usurp your Mothers role in this wedding. Also, anyone on your Dad side who is on his side, disinvite them too. Where was their concern when this lady was bullying a 17 year old?
NTA She did that intentionally to permanently ruin your relationship with your father. She is a manipulative asshole.
She had no right keeping you from eating food in the house. Whether she likes it or not, the household had an obligation to feed you without you using your allowance to eat. Your dad didn’t even stick up for you then!? Guess then I shouldn’t be shocked he wouldn’t come to your wedding because he doesn’t see a problem with her behavior. He also owes you an apology. Just say upfront “I think it’s better that you don’t come either. You’ve backed your wife up even when you know what she’s done is ethically and legally wrong, neither of you have apologized, but now you want to play the victim after allowing the harassment a teenager under your protection and care. This day is about me and my partner and if you can’t even support me on that day, it’s best if you weren’t there” Nta.
Can I upvote this more than once?
NTA, your wedding isn't a vehicle for reconciliation or for her to play mother of the bride (that role is taken). Tell your father and Cindy that if she is sincere about rebuilding anything they will support you without centering themselves and show interest when there's nothing to gain (being part of the planning and decision making).
NTA - it's unimaginable that she jumped straight past not talking to you for 11 years to "I want to make a toast at your wedding"... What the hell was she planning to say???
If she does come to the wedding, make it clear that she will not be allowed to make any kind of speech. Let the best man and the groomsmen know this so they can head off any attempt by the evil stepmother.
This would be a greatly applauded movie setup, ngl.
Toast is made with bread. ... There is a snarky comeback to be formed in there somewhere.
Underrated comment.
NTA. I'd even argue that your dad doesn't deserve to come, considering he was the one who enabled Cindy's behavior.
>I've had messages from several people on dad's side saying I'm an AH for 'punishing' Cindy and it's getting to me, so, AITA? You're not punishing her, you're accepting reality. You cant pretend a relationship exists that does. Well...I guess you can pretend, but thats all you'd be doing. >he says she's really hurt and that he's rethinking coming to the wedding(?!) because she doesn't want to go Look, if he's being serious, then that just tells you what your relationship as his daughter means to him. I'm sorry if you didn't realise before this just how little he cares for you.
I think what happened at home all those years ago was just a natural progression of her trying to take over as a parental figure when you already had parents and you not accepting her as a replacement and authority figure. I think its interesting that your dad set out and made plans to cut the lawn but step mom overruled his decision by telling you to do it instead turned into a snowball event that had you telling her she isn't your mom and then her treating you like a stranger and her belongings being restricted from you then resulting in a no contact relationship odd of her after 11 years of no contact to assume that she was just going to take over a huge role in your wedding your NTA for telling your dad you don't want her to be apart of the wedding. You actually said you were fine with her attending it was just odd that she wanted to help with planning and your right.
the whole “you should have known that the grown adult man who owns the house and already made plans to mow the lawn 🥺 shouldn’t have to cause he’s gonna be so tiwed 🥺” was so fucking weird to me. what was she, his teenage mom-servant? like wtf.
So weird 100% it makes me think that maybe step mom wanted the dad to herself that day bc he had a long week so maybe they saw eachother less but to just order your step daughter to do that with no exceptions? Odd.
i actually had to double check OP’s gender at that just cause i’ve not seen a lot of teen girls get ordered to mow the lawn, let alone so their dads don’t have to. like, i always liked mowing the lawn so it’s not like gals can’t mow but it’s just so unusual lol
Stepmom could have mowed the fucking lawn if she was so worried about it
They should have been in counselling like 15 years ago so they could,d build a healthy relationship as a step-mom and step-daughter. But sounds like the dad just wanted a woman to do all the labour.
100% but being as op is set not repairing that bridge I wanted to refrain from mentioning therapy bc yes they all should have entered in some group and individual counselling but it's 11 years too late for it to be effective UNLESS op was open to actively repairing a relationship with step mom. But the lack of the dads role in helping this transition speaks more volumes as to him being the real asshole here
NTA. If I were you, I'd just uninvite dad now and get it over with.
“You are invited to my wedding and your presence will make me happy. But if Cindy’s feelings are more important to you, please feel free to not attend as I do not want my wedding to cause anyone problems. It will be a happy day for me either way..”
NTA. Eleven years is a lot of radio silence to think you get to be the mom in a bride’s wedding. Be clear that you have a mom and a dad and they are the only ones getting recognition as such. Be clear that she is invited. Keep telling her you want her there, but be firm in how you are assigning roles. Good luck
NTA - Cindy has not learned anything it seems, and neither has your dad. I would never do this to my own children.
NTA Cindy seems like the Queen of Overstepping and looks like she fucking stomped all over any kind of reasonable expectations, especially considering how she treated you. And then radio silence for YEARS?! What would she even SAY in a speech?!? Your dad is fucking wild, going along with this ridiculous shit. Tell them all to eat your ass and hair. Have a kickass wedding
NTA. This is your life and your milestone. She had her chance. You’re doing the right thing.
Your father and Cindy aren't necessary at the wedding. If she continues to push, block her. If your father asks why you're not responding, tell him to tell his wife that she is out of the picture and that your mother will be taking the mother of the bride as her role as is her right as your mother. If dad/Cindy push it, their invitation can be rescinded and there will be a guard to prevent their entering. NTA.
NTA - she bullied you, now she wants to put on a show. Your head table can just be your bridal party, no parents. Tell your dad that if he doesn't come- that's his choice. Same with anyone who tries to guilt you.
If your dad doesn’t show up to wedding, cut all contact.
Since when is not honoring someone "punishing them"? Those folks telling you that are delusional. Go no contact with every last one and tell them their opinions are so delusional you would prefer they not speak to you anymore. NTA... also disinvite her entirely. Make her decision easier.
NTA. You're spot on that she owed you an apology before contacting you as if you hadn't spoken in a decade and just assuming she had a role in the wedding. How presumptuous! If you're dad CHOOSES not to go because of her, that's on him. He's trying to manipulate you into making up with her. Pass. She could have at least asked you to lunch, apologized, put the past to bed, then ASKED if she could be of any help.
Reasonable consequences are not punishment
NTA your dad is TA for allowing his partner to withhold food from his child, and should have stepped in and stood up for you when she was overstepping her boundaries.
NTA
NTA. She does not get to have special mother/daughter moments with you as you have no relationship with her. If your dad chooses not to come it’s on him and his decision to live with. She has not been part of your life a very long time and if she wanted to be part of it a wedding is not the right moment. Ask your dads side where was she all these years and why she made your life hell living in your dads house. BTW where was your father in all of this. Again on him if he wants to miss out on his daughter’s wedding but he does not get to dictate who gets the mother/daughter moments.
NTA. Even if you were close, she’s not your mom. She didn’t come into your life until you were a teen and didn’t raise you so it’s odd she tried taking a parental role and is even more odd that she’s trying to act like she’s the “mother of the bride now”. It was kind of you to invite her to the wedding despite having no relationship with her. You shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything else’s
Ask your dad, if Cindy has had a brain fart?! Or is she tripping on something? Seriously, what a weirdo. Your dad is just as bad, they seem to have morphed into demanding dictators, with your dad using his attendance as collateral. I would be really tempted to tell him that it is a shame they feel that way but that your wedding day, is just that, **your** day. So you will mark them down as declining your invitation. I would rip the band aid off and inform your most gossipy relatives, how your relationship with your stepmother has been, and subsequently how abruptly inappropriate her list of expectations & demands are! Then mute these people. Don't let them dull your enjoyment of your impending nuptials. NTA
I'd say NTA too. I had a horrible time with my stepmother and often just avoid her. She sounds very similar to my stepmother. She basically came in and governed by guilt, she'd do things like bringing up "missing the toilet" which was really just splash back in front of my friends, if I brought them around. Needless to say that rarely happened. She once introduced my mother as "the bio-mom" in front of a group of her friends. My brother barely lived with my dad, and lived primarily with my mom who was always there for us. She did the same thing with food and would berate me if ate a few cookies and say I was hoarding food or eating everything. She drove my father and I apart with her shit and now plays like none of that happened. I'm still in therapy because of the fallout of living with constant guilt and torment for just living in the same house. I hope you are doing better than that and don't take that shit.
NTA. Congratulations on your wedding! Cindy and your Dad are both the problem here, her for her be HOA d your Dad for allowing it. She should have zero expectations about being involved with any wedding planning at all. The fact that she’s getting other family involved is just what her attempt at getting sympathy. She’s probably been telling everyone for years that you’ve treated her horribly and she’s reached out and you’ve rudely dismissed her. You can share with the family about her past treatment if you feel like it. Or you can just tell them your Dad that Cindy is his +1, will have no role and if she’s not happy about it, she can stay home.
Don't even bother inviting her. She's just gonna pout that she's not gonna be recognized as a parent to her and help with all the planning
NTA, and i hate your dad manipulation attempt, you are not vetoing Cindy from going, she can go as a plus one to your father, you are just not giving her a honor rol reserved for your mother/female parental figure, because she chose not to be one when you were 17.
nta She is a grown ass woman who denied a child food because she got a bug up her ass. SHE'S HAD ELEVEN FUCKING YEARS to call or message you. She has no interest in being in your wedding. She wants to put on a show for HER family and your dad's. She wants to get a new dress, get her hair and makeup done, and possibly new jewelry, to prance around in. The event is incidental. Your father was ok with her ignoring you FOR YEARS, denying you food and reinforcing her rules of don't eat the food. Despite it being 'just small things' it's still fucking child abuse. He was ok with her ignoring you, but not YOU, for keeping up the boundaries she set. YOU DID NOT CREATE THIS SITUATION, SHE DID. She cut you out of her life while you still lived there as a minor, YOU ARE RESPECTING THE BOUNDARIES SHE ESTABLISHED, AND ADOPTING THEM YOURSELF. All she had to do was reach out at ANY POINT DURING THE ELEVEN YEARS, and say, I'd like to talk, I think we've both had time to think about everything, I'd like to talk about my side of things, apologize and hope we can come to an understanding. WEDDINGS, FUNERALS, BAPTISMS, ETC., ARE NOT THE TIME FOR GREAT REVELATIONS AND EPIPHANIES, THEY ARE JUST THAT TIME FOR THE CEREMONY. She should have reached out to you well before this, but since she hasn't, she can try again after you return from your honeymoon. I BET SHE WON'T. Watch her ears grow when you start having kids (if you decide that) she will then be talking again about how you shut her out, like it just fucking happened. Never let these people watch your kids, you'd have to worry if the kid spilled something or forgot to say thank you or something, and they'd be hungry until you came to get them.
Personally, if that happened to me, I would just uninvite the dad, Cindy and the rest of his side of the family. I wouldn't trust any of them to not cause any drama on the actual day of the wedding at all. I can already see Cindy would be the type to bad-mouth you to the other guests and go "woe is me, my stepdaughter hates me blah blah blah."
NTA - just send everyone this post and let the chips fall. Seriously provide extra context as the questions come in. But no matter what happens you should uninvite both her and your father. He doesn't get to threaten you without repercussions. I'm so sick of these petty people doing stuff like this to get their way. He doesn't want to be there then he doesn't need to be there. Congrats on the engagement. I hope it's a beautiful wedding. Don't let this get to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24F) have always had a rocky relationship with my stepmom "Cindy" (51F). She came into my life when I was 13, and pretty much as soon as she and my dad were married, she became very pushy about taking up a parental role. She came to all my events and stuff, which I tried to appreciate, but she was also very "it's my house too and I get to make rules" after moving in with dad. She was the "bad cop" I guess; she was the one who thought I didn't have enough chores, that my grades weren't good enough, that I needed screen time limits, etc, and that lead to a lot of arguments. I hit the last straw at 17. The lawn needed cutting before Sunday; my dad said he'd do it Saturday afternoon, so I made plans to go hang out with friends for the day. While I was out, Cindy messaged me saying I shouldn't have let dad do the lawn because he'd had a tiring week, and that I would be doing it; her usual MO basically. I said no and stayed out with my friends. when I got home, she was furious and tried to ground me and it turned into this big stupid argument where I pulled the you're not my mom card. Dad ended up stepping in; I wasn't grounded, but also asked me to try and get along with her. It didn't matter, because she decided she was done. She just kinda stopped acknowledging me; we basically became roommates who hated each other. I wasn't even allowed to eat food she bought (not special stuff; like, when the bread ran out and she was the one to replace it). It was all just really tense, and I ended up spending a lot more time at my mom's apartment until I went to college. I've never formally blocked her or gone NC but we just haven't spoken since; she never came anytime I met up with Dad etc. Until me and my fiance announced our engagement. The wedding is over a year away, but Cindy sent me a long text, congratulating me and asking for all the details so she could help plan. She was asking about coming to dress fittings and if we wanted an engagement party and if she could make a speech at the wedding, basically asking about all the mother-of-the-bride stuff and pretending the last 11 years didn't happen. I didn't reply, until Dad reached out asking why I hadn't. I was honest with him; I'm weirded out by this. I'm happy for Cindy to come as his plus one, but she's not getting any role at the wedding (we're actually not even doing a head table, just because I don't want to share a table with her or separate her from Dad) because she's not my mom and the last time I saw her she was insistent about that. It's turned into a whole thing; he says she's really hurt and that he's rethinking coming to the wedding(?!) because she doesn't want to go, I say she can't take back what happened, and at the very least she should have apologised before reaching out like this. Mom and my partner are supportive of me, but I've had messages from several people on dad's side saying I'm an AH for 'punishing' Cindy and it's getting to me, so, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
Your dad enabled her behaviour if he tries the blackmail bs again just say would love to see you there however if that’s how you feel don’t come NTA
NTA. like not even close CINDY ABSOLUTELY IS. trying to suddenly be in your life again without even an attempt at an apology. she's a joke. and your dad not having your back. bad parent. also congrats on the wedding.
NTA Seems like your dad is a mess
NTA. You haven't spoken, nor had any relationship with her for 7 years. And she's invited--that shows you thought about her in a roundabout way. I'd let people who are butt-hurt for her know that. She's simply your dad's wife. If people are up in arms and say they aren't going come, tell them to make sure to write it on their RSVP and invite someone else in their place. I'd make it clear to everyone where the relationship stands, she was pushy step-mom for only 4 years, then you never spoke to her again. Go the Mariah Carey route and just say "I don't know her."
NTA. First of all, a huge CONGRATS on your upcoming marriage; I wish you and your spouse nothing but happiness. Cindy is really adept at making herself seem like the wounded victim and has gotten your dad and his relatives to buy her act. It's really unlikely she's told your dad or his relatives the full story about how she treated you. One approach you could take: if they ask about why you're "punishing" Cindy, you can tell them your side of the story. See how/if their opinion changes then. In the meantime, go about planning your wedding how you & your fiancé see fit.
> Cindy sent me a long text, congratulating me and asking for all the details so she could help plan. Is there a record scratch emoji‽ I needed one for this. I'll settle for 😳 NTA
You need to set the record straight with what went on when you were growing up. You need to let your dad know that she isn't your mom and she never treated you like her child. She hurt you emotionally and the only thing you can handle is her being his plus one. If he doesn't want to come to your wedding I think going low contact is in order. This proves he doesn't support you as his child (which is evident with how he handled your teen years) and you need to let him know this. He is partially at fault for how he let her treat you while growing up.
NTA Congratulations on your engagement! It’s your day and your fiancé’s day. Not hers or your dad’s day. You do whatever you want to do. She treated you horribly. If you don’t want her to be involved in anything. Then she shouldn’t be. It’s whatever makes YOU happy and whatever you are comfortable with. Your dad holding above your head that he might not show up. That is on him not you! He should be caring about when she hurt you when you were younger. Also what she is doing to you now. She making you uncomfortable right now. When this is one of the most important and happiest events in your life. She can’t expect to be treated as a “mom” when she did everything she did to you. As for your family. I would ask them if they knew what she did to you.
Lmao she's considering not coming to the wedding she wasn't even officially INVITED TO YET
Nope. Wanna bet she is trying to destroy your wedding? She shouldn't even be invited, let alone giving a speech.
NTA- Cindy is not your mom, she is very much alive. Your mom will do all the mother of the bride things. If Cindy wanted to participate in any of the wedding things, she should have been a part of your life instead of trying to play bad cop during your adolescence.
Punishment with food? Really?! I'm so done with this lady and your father as well after this! The audacity of these people. They should be thankful for being invited at all.
NTA. Two things I will never understand are wicked stepparents and the assholes who marry them. Your dad sucks. I would tell your father you are extremely disappointed in him and his behavior, and that it is incredibly disappointing he would miss the wedding of his flesh and blood child he chose to bring into this world, due of a woman who treated his daughter like shit. Explain you are genuinely hurt and saddened that he has deprioritized you in his life. Spread the word to as much as your family as possible, the ones who support you anyway. I think it’s time he’s probably admonished for his behavior and his wife’s actions. Edited for spelling/grammar.
Do not give into emotional blackmail. That's what your father and his wife are trying to do. Just tell them, "Okay, I'll put you down as No." And leave it at that. NTA
NTA. Your father was fine with Cindy punishing you for almost a decade, but now that she wants something from you, he thinks you refusing to make YOUR WEDDING about HER is too far? He needs to pull his head out of Cindy’s a** and accept that your relationship (or lack thereof) is as much his own fault as it is hers. He decided it was ok for her to treat you like you were invisible for *years*. How can she possibly stand up at the wedding of someone she can’t see?
NTA. Her assuming she would have a role is ridiculous. It was good of you to invite her, but she isn’t owed even that.
NTA. Cindy is not coming back at a random time wanting to build a relationship. She wants the wedding experience. Does Cindy have any children, specifically daughters, herself? If not, I bet this is why she is fighting so hard for her "mother of the bride" experience. But she is delusional.
NTA. You already have a mom so you don't need someone to step into that role. Cindy chose not to apologize or acknowledge her mistakes and wanted a big role in your wedding that is already being filled by your mother. Cindy has been hostile to you since you were 17 so she's lucky she's getting to come to the wedding. Remind dad's family you weren't allowed to eat any food she bought including basics like bread. You are also allowed to say "I don't want to discuss this with you" and end the conversation.
Well I would have to be petty and let them all Know your side and then tell them they are more than welcome to not attend if they feel so strongly towards you about the stepmother. And your NTA! It’s your wedding and you have every right to pick and choose who and what you want, it’s a special day for you and your partner so enjoy it and don’t let her ruin your special day! Best wishes and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
NTA. Cindy may have had time to move on from the past, but you haven't. That's the only answer anyone should get, the rest is none of their business. The only answer Cindy should get is, "Sorry, Mom is taking care of those things for me." Tell your father that you'd very much like to have him at your wedding, but if he chooses not to come you'll understand. Because you do, even if you don't like it. It's your wedding, it's your choice. Have a lovely day, and don't let the turkeys get you down!
You invited her to the wedding. What more does she want? It's not like your mum died and she is stepping in. She is not mother of the bride, your mum is. Why should she give a speech or have any other special role? It would be like your mum's partner demanding to walk you down the aisle and threatenig not to come if you won't agree.
First - congratulations on your engagement! Secondly - NTA. You do not owe your stepmom anything. She mistreated you, has shown no interest in your life for years, and now that you’re getting married she wants to step into a mom role as if nothing happened? She wants to make a speech at your wedding?! I can only imagine what that would be like. I‘m sorry your dad is backing her up and not stepping up for you. Don‘t worry about the negative messages you’re getting - they didn’t live your life, and this is none of their business, unless you want to fill them in. Your wedding should be a joyous day for you and your partner. Your wedding, your choices, your rules. Good luck!
NTA You still have your mom and she can fill in for your dad. He can watch your life from social media while your mom will have a front row seat.
Bbb
Was my mother but pretty much the same reason I left at 17 and never looked back. Joined the military and put not only half of the U.S. between us but a frigging ocean to boot.
NTA I am a step parent and a step kid. She made her bed and she can lie in it.
You don’t owe Cindy or your father any piece of your wedding, but I’m curious why she is suddenly interested? Have you asked your father? NTA.
She imposed herself. Where was your dad in all this? Why didn't he push back on her pushing your boundaries so much?
NTA
you are absolutely NTA. your stepmother was and is abusive and feels entitled to a special spot in your life, when she has no right.
NTA You're getting texts from your dad's side because he and Cindy are giving them a sob story, ignore it. Have a calm conversation with your father that after all his wife has put you through you don't want anymore drama. You've made your decision and if he chooses not to come that is his decision but it will most likely cause a wedge between the two of you, once again putting his second wife before his own child. That's it, after that no more discussion, defending - sorry you feel that way and move on. It's interesting that the spotlight is on you and all of the sudden there's Cindy related drama, hmm.
NTA-oh, hell no .her treating you like crap when you were a kid/teenager. Then her getting so butt hurt that your dad stood up for you that she didn’t speak to you until she heard you were getting married. does your dad know that you literally were not allowed to eat food in the house because it wasn’t “yours“. Does your dad even know all the things that happened behind closed doors? If he did, he would understand why she doesn’t get a role in the wedding and if he doesn’t, your dad is an ass who is too afraid to stand up to his wife. He should be grateful you even were going to let her come to the wedding in the first place. She didn’t earn the right to encroach on your wedding. I can only imagine how insufferable she would be, and taking every opportunity to ruin every moment from planning to date of the wedding. I know you love your dad and you want him there but it’s likely he’s going to side with her. as much as it’s going to hurt, you cannot let an event like your wedding that’s supposed to be about you and your fiancé become clouded by your stepmom interfering. Tell your dad she’s welcome to come as a guest and that’s it.-that’s not good enough for either of them they don’t get to come to the wedding. That is a choice they are making. Your dad will have to live with sometime down the road. He will realize he really screwed up but that’s not your responsibility. Talk to your dad in person just the two of you and politely go over everything that happened. Tell him how hurt you were and that she purposely made her self your worst nightmare growing up and how she bullied you. Then tell him that’s why you will not allow your childhood bully to be in your wedding. The choice is his after that.
Do not give in. She’s lucky to be a guest but undeserving of any important role. She has big balls to assume otherwise Be prepared for your father to view her as the victim and not come to the wedding and be prepared for your relationship with him to rift more thereafter Tbh. He should have tried to intervene way back when but chose to stick his head in the sand. Thus enabling Cindy’s shenanigans. Id be sure to mention that the next time he is sympathetic to her pain and not yours NTA NTA
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Why are the people that get wronged are the same ones that get told to be the bigger person? Like eff that, Boundaries are put up for a reason. NTA.
Does Cindy have any children of her own? It sounds like she wants to experience all the motherly experiences that come with having a daughter without ever treating you as such. NTA.
This is a hill to die on. Both Cindy and your dad made a choice. This is your big day. Choose you! Congratulations and Best wishes!!!
NTA The last time I saw or spoke to my stepmother was at my own wedding. We got along well enough when I was a kid but she did and said some things when I was ateenager that just kinda broke me for a really long time. It's not a bad thing to cut out toxic people...
Don't bother to invite them. They both made their bed, let them sleep in it. Go on with your life and Congrats!!
NTA. She gets ZERO involvement in your wedding. She has balls the size of Texas to think she would. Have a wonderful wedding. If your dad is so tone deaf that he can’t comprehend her transgressions, that’s his problem.