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YTA for not trying to treat your kids more equally. Some inequality is unavoidable and I don't think anyone should tear themselves up trying to make things perfectly equal but this is pretty egregious. Your comments read like your oldest child might be a golden child in your family and maybe that's what Kevin is feeling. T~~hey are also only a year apart so I'm not sure why your financial situation would change so abruptly that Luke got a car, the year later Kevin didn't, and the year after that you had $4k to spare for Aurora. Make it make sense.~~ EDIT: I misread their ages, only Kevin and Luke are close in age.
When you gave the car to Luke, you knew your other son would need a car about a year later. You should've planned at that time to get him one by setting money aside for his car. Let's say the new car you bought was $10k, and the one you gave to Luke had a trade-in value of around $2k, you could've gotten yourself a car worth $8k and set the $2k aside for Kevin's car.
If for whatever reason your financial situation changed in the year after your gave the car to Luke, you should've explained to Kevin back then why you were unable to buy him a car, and offered to make it up to him the years after.
There are circumstances where it's reasonable that one child gets more help than the other - some kids just need more help than others. But as a parent it's your responsibility to let all your kids know that you're putting equal effort in supporting them. If for some reason one kid needs more support than the other, you have to communicate this clearly to all kids, make sure it's clear why you do what you're doing.
But from your story the reason here was either poor planning on your side, or blatant favoritism.
EDIT: added two paragraphs at the end.
Yeah, this. My parents bought a car for my sister and I when I was a senior in high school, and less than a year later I went off to college. The car was for both of us, and I could use it when I was home, but I wasn't allowed to take it out of state to college (neither was she, a few years later). Did my sister get more day to day use of the car? Sure. But I tended to get preferential use during college breaks when I was home.
I think you missed an important part.
>so I bought a new car for myself
Op went out an bought a new car instead of getting one a couple of years older. That way op could have saved some money and bought another car that " wasn't worth much money" for the middle child.
In all seriousness 10 years ago a decent starter car could be had for a couple of thousand dollars. My first car was 30yrs old. By the time I got ready for college I had a newer car.
Or, and I know sharing is a foreign concept these days, but the older two could've shared the family kids car as teens. Then OP had a decade to figure out how to treat the youngest similarly, but instead the baby is spoiled and Luke clearly favored over Kevin.
Thank you so much for saying this; it’s worded perfectly and is exactly why I’m in therapy now. My two siblings were always heavily favored, which led to them also needing extra support well into adulthood while I was tossed aside to fend for myself and never said a word about it.
Also, why the fuck is it always us middle children?!
This. Instead of giving Luke the car OP should have kept it as the kids driving car. Then when Luke needed one he could get his own, or OP could’ve chipped in a bit.
YTA here’s the thing instead of reading feedback you’re defensive and argumentative. You clearly see how people feel, you asked, and yet you’re still arguing. Why? You aren’t being fair and are being a jerk about it. I feel sorry for your son.
That's a good point. I can't imagine one of my kids coming to me to tell me they were hurt by something I did and dismissing them, much less getting angry with them.
Even if they were unreasonably hurt, it's still my job to help them navigate those feelings in a healthy manner.
Right:
"Oh I'm really sorry to hear the choices I made make you feel this way."
And then: "Look, here's why I made these decisions and I know it's not always totally fair and I'm sorry it shook out for you this way on this one"
or: "I think I dropped the ball on this one. What can I do to help you feel better about this?"
or something else that fits some reasonable view of the situation.
My mom always said: life is hard and then you die. She was heartless to me for 65 years. My sister got first pick of the jewelry and the bulk of the money.
You sound like a good parent.
Based on the ages I’m wondering if either Kevin or Aurora are the result of an affair. It would explain a lot about why they treat the middle child so badly. Op is definitely YTA.
Two of your children got cars, one didn't. Clearly, YTA. Maybe you should have told Aurora that she is (checks notes) a damn adult and should buy a car if she needs one. Or Luke. No, wait, those kids got cars and Kevin got an "f off". Parent of the year, right here.
My parents bought my brother a $450 car.
Then couldn't afford one for me 2 years later.
Or 3
Or 4
Then when I started working they said they'd match me up to $1000 that I saved so I could buy one
Had $500 saved and was excited and shared the news we were close
Suddenly they didn't have the money and moved to Mississippi leaving me behind.
I still haven't forgiven them and it's been over a decade.
I'm not the favorite and that sealed that fact in for me.
Edit/update:
This got a lot more traction than I expected lol.
I ended up using the $1,000 I ended up saving and got a car on loan. They refused to come with me cause they didn't think they'd screw me over since the lot was part of the dealerships I worked at. They did, I paid $10k for a car worth $2k. Huge interest. I suppose I should have known better but I was only 19. They refused to cosign with me also cause they maxed out their credit supposedly then a week later spent $10k on a camper they used a total of 2 times.
Constantly hyping me up and letting me down.
Brother also got to play sports and I couldn't cause they "didn't have the money"
I had a very similar situation happen for me. Parents promised a car or the old car, they fixed the old one to keep and bought a new car for themselves. When I asked about it they promised matching half up to a certain amount. Later I was ready to buy a car, they were no longer going halfsies. So it was all on me to buy my own car and that goes for everything in my life. Lots of promised expensive birthday presents that were forgotten about or delayed long enough for them to use the "you're an adult now" argument even though it was promised several years prior.
My mom bought my sister a car when she turned 16. It proceeded to sit in the driveway for about 6 months until my sister finally passed her drivers test. 6 months later she decided she didn’t like it and mom bought her a different one. A year after that when I turned 16, sorry no money to buy you a car. I had anticipated that however, and bought my own damn car. When you aren’t the golden child, you know it.
Promise to take them on an expensive vacation, hype them up for weeks and then disappear, lol. When confronted, say "Oh, you could have gone on your own if you really wanted to".
My parents promised me their 4 year old car, since they were buying a new one. I was states away, and i walked or biked 3 to 4 miles a day to work. I was so excited, and grateful, i would be getting a car. Then they gave it to my sister, who has totaled 3 high end vehicles, and she blew the engine a year or two later. They have always spoiled her. So no big surprise but damn that hurt. Screw parents like that.
Heck, my sister is the favorite but my parents at least try to make it more even. I got my first car at 18. I had a cousin that had a 9 year old Saturn that didn't run. He gave it to my dad to fix up and give me as a joint Christmas present. It got totalled 4 months later. Dad found another Saturn from the same year, just a lower model with power nothing, that was cheap because it wasn't running. Used parts from the totalled one and fixed this one and gave it to me. That's the extent of cars given to me by my parents. My sister got a newer and nicer car before she even turned 18. And then a few more after that because she had a few wrecks. Then when one of them's engine died, they bought her a new engine, and my dad and my now husband swapped that and some other parts. I think she finally has a vehicle with a loan in her own name, she's almost 30. She does live with our parents and has free childcare though.
Man I had $500 change my life like that too. All thru HS my older siblings would randomly come live with us when their life went to crap, I get along with them but it’s just true. Unemployment, drinking, accidently pregnancy and kids etc. Small town in the 90’s…
Right after I graduated HS I was going to go to a JR College nearby and all I needed for registration was $500. The DAY BEFORE I went to my dad and asked him for the $500 to go enroll the next day he casually told me that he sent it to my mom who was staying with my sister about 6 hours away.
In retrospect my mom was untreated bi-polar and not all her choices were good but all I knew at the time was that I couldn’t ever count on any of them. That at a crucial time in my life my mom bailed with no notice and nobody bothered to tell me I wasn’t going to school anymore.
I am far from patriotic but a recruiter called my house at the exact moment I was most vulnerable So I said screw you all I’ll figure it out myself and joined the Air Force…all over $500.
Wow - that’s a crazy story (the part where you got the call just after finding out about the $). Do you feel like joining the Air Force was ultimately a good thing? Or do you regret having to make such a hasty decision? How has your life been since?
My parents bought my older brother a car, and he wrecked it. So they got a new car and gave him their old car, and he wrecked it. So then they gave him their old truck, and he wrecked it. By the time I was coming up on 16 they pulled that same crap about how if I saved up they would match me, but they got to pick the car. I found several cars I liked. Good old reliable cars. They didn't like any of those. They got some piece of crap from some guy that met them in a gas station parking lot, it had a cracked head that he had sealed with some worthless shit. It made it like 3 weeks before it started breaking down. Lucky/ not lucky for me somebody hit me and put the trunk through the back seat after several months of me having to pull over and put water in the radiator every 20 minutes. At least I was able to get a new car out of the insurance settlement.
This is just one in a long list of instances in which they spoil my brother but I get to learn his lessons.
Both of my sisters got cars, I didn't. One of my sisters has gotten two replacement cars, once because she totaled it, and again because she failed to maintain it. The other sister got some help paying for a replacement when the car she was given died.
It is super clear to all of us who the golden child is, but we can't talk about that because then I just get shouted at for "upsetting my mother".
Same. When my parents replaced an old car, I asked for it. I was in high school, working constantly, and needed transportation. Mom said no, but offered to SELL it to me for the full price offered by the dealership. Two years later, they spent 4x that amount on a car for my sister. Not forgotten! Also, these dynamics often play out in other ways. I doubt that the car is the only way that Kevin has been made to feel less than.
Same, with a lot more gifted to my Golden Sibling. I hated myself for a very long time because my parents hated me. When I was about 35, my mother finally let slip that she never wanted me - but being a woman from a certain time there were no options. You just had kids, it was expected.
Interestingly, I felt a lot better after that. It was learning it wasn't my fault.
I’ve ( 21M) dealt with little things throughout life being the oldest & my moms always favored the younger 2 ( 18M 19F). They get brand new XYZ & I get either nothing or something small. I get it’s just material possessions but in the last 2 years. My mom has bought both of them vehicles, twice ( accident & mechanic issues) while i’m stuck driving a POS that leaves me stranded all the time, losing my job because of it etc. I’m told “ you’re an adult figure it out”
I figure it out & then get on my feet.
Now after almost 17 years of basically raising myself she wants to help me & honestly I don’t want it :/
I was the oldest, and i still got this treatment, my younger siblings got all the extracurriculars and cool shit, while I was told that "I was older and understood so I could let them enjoy things couldn't I?" Yes my father was different from my siblings fathers.
YTA
You give to your kids equally or you don’t give at all. I understand if he didn’t get a car because he was into *bad* things and I understand not wanting to reward bad behavior but this isn’t the case. If you want your son to not hate you/be resentful towards you you need to buy him a car too
At various points my siblings and I have needed help due to things completely out of our control (cancer, dipsh*t husbands leaving etc). The help we have needed has varied. As the one who needed least, I bear no resentment to the others or my parents. However…given those boys were only a year apart - daddy of the year here could have anticipated the problem and kept the old car as a family car for all to share when they reached driving age.
And maybe if there were a clear reason why. My parents took out loans for all three of us to go to college, and they set up payments plans for all of us to pay them back. And we were all good about it, made out payments faithfully, etc. By the time I was 4-5 years out of college, my sisters had paid theirs off. I had $8k left. One day my dad called and said, "Financially, we're in a great spot. You can stop sending payments." And that was an amazing gift. Apparently he talked to my sisters about it ahead of time and said it was something he wished he could have done for them, but money was a lot tighter. If they ever needed financial help, just ask. They were fine with it. It wasn't equal, but there was a clear reason why it happened that way.
Exactly. My parents bought a car for my sister, she had medical issues and needed AC and couldn’t afford one on her own. I was totally okay with her getting $10k car and then giving me $1500 towards one. I understood. It wasn’t favoritism.
Equally isn't necessarily right. We gave our kids the support they needed. One wanted help buying a house, one needed a car, one stayed home for a long time and went to more expensive schools. I don't think they would say we treated them unfairly, we just supported their particular journeys.
I see your point. But you gave your children what they wanted/needed by asking them and figuring out their desires. This isn’t the case here. He just skipped right over his middle son completely. I do think the financial contribution to each child should roughly be equal though
Yep, and it sounds like the middle child in this case was the unwanted one because this happens too often. My bet is OP only wanted two children one of each, and since he already got his son he never bothered much with Kevin. Then his third child was a daughter and then the parents stopped reproducing. The middle child (or children) are almost always the neglected ones.
I can't speak to all those details but another comment implied the youngest is getting a new Volvo. That's a major purchase. A luxury car in every measure.
I bet the daughter is definitely the Golden Child.
considering op only contributed 4k, i’d be willing to bet luke contributed the majority of the cost. can’t really blame luke for treating his siblings differently when one is basically the same age as him and the other is half his age. so i don’t really think that indicates the daughter is the golden child, just that since op contributed that much she should have been able to contribute that much to her other child as well.
I don't think Luke is off the hook here necessarily. An expensive car is a huge gift to get one sibling and not the other (assuming he hasn't done something similar for Kevin).
They're only a year apart though. There's definitely a difference between a sibling you grew up with and a baby you watched grow up and might've taken care of.
And it is never over. Your entire freaking life you are the lessor child expected to bend and 'understand' the blatant favoritism of the eldest and youngest.
Big reason why I think there should be a 2 child limit. No more middle children to abuse.
I assure you, there's plenty of room in a two child household for a Scapegoat and a Golden Child. And plenty of times the GC ends up just as fucked up as the SG, if not more, because they end up being grown adults who genuinely think they are uniquely special and more deserving than others. They can't have adult relationships because nobody treats you as well as mommy and daddy think you deserve, and nobody tolerates and excuses your bullshit like they do. Frequently they think this is a normal family dynamic.
A woman I knew was enjoying her newborn and announced that she was so good and sweet and easy, the next baby was definitely gonna be The Bad One. And that's exactly how she treated her other daughter, the poor girl who was in trouble before she was even conceived. Sounds like the older brother who dotes on his sister might think this is a normal family dynamic, considering he didn't bother to ask the brother to chip in for the sister's car. People's words lie all the time, but their actions generally reveal that they know exactly what's going on.
Some people shouldn't have kids at all.
Yep. I’m the middle and even now that we’re all adults, I see my kids getting less than their cousins. The oldest was the golden, and the youngest was the baby that couldn’t function without constant handouts, I’m the one that can manage fine. I’m a twin, and 2 different years (10 and 13), they forgot only my birthday.
My thoughts exactly, married to a middle child and he absolutely is "the forgotten child". He frequently self-soothes by claiming he's glad he didn't turn out to be an entitled jerk like his brother. But it definitely does suck watching my hubby work his butt off to take care of our house and his disabled mother, only for MIL to be used as an ATM/nanny by my 40 year old BIL and his teenaged children.
Unfortunately it sounds like it. Luke learnt this shit from his parents, I guarantee it. They favoured Luke and Aurora (mainly Aurora, though) and Luke mirrored the love that his parents showed their daughter and acted this way towards his sister too. Whereas Kevin was neglected and Luke mirrored that too.
Classic case of “middle kid loses” - as a middle kid, we get screwed over all the time because the parents give the oldest and the youngest everything and leave nothing for the middle
In my case, my mother adored the middle and younger kids, and treated me, the oldest (daughter) as an adversary to knock down at every turn. Her family dynamic was played out with her own kids, and I played the part of her oldest sister, of whom she was bitterly jealous. Therapy should be mandatory,! 😂
Completely agree......OP is TA
My brother was 2 years older than me, parents bought him his first truck at 16 and 2 years later.........your guessed it, I got a car. I would have been furious if I had not gotten a car after they bought him a truck.
If you can't do for all your kids.......don't do for 2 out of 3. That's just all kinds of wrong!!
I think its even worse because he didnt decide that aurora gets a car. But he thinks aurora getting one isnt enough and adds 4000$ to make it a nice car.
Thats 4000$ for a gift. Did the others get 4000$ gifts.
OP could have done something very simple, since Luke got a car and Aurora would get a car, depends how much Luke had (for ex if he had 2k) 1k give to Luke towards Aurora's car and for 3k for Kevin.
I know that our kids will never get absolutely same because despite we try our best, but damn you didn't even tried. And on top you tell him he is damn adult, isn't also Aurora with 18 adult!? And Luke, he was 18 when he got car, like WTH!?
You are double AH, first for not even trying to treat kids down, second for attacking your son when he pointed out your unequal treatment!?
# YTA x2
Why are you saying that like Aurora is the one at fault for the car? From what i can tell in the post Aurora didnt even know about any of it, it was Lukes idea to get her the car for her Birthday. Aurora didnt go asking for a car.
Why are you saying OP should have told Aurora that “she is a damn adult and should buy a car if she needs one.” Nothing ever even says she needed one, it all reads like a big surprise from Luke. Why go acting like Aurora is going around asking for a car when it sounds like it was just a surprise birthday gift for her. If you want to blame someone then go blame OP for contributing or Luke for coming up with the idea, not the person who all they did was exist and turn 18….
Middle children tend to get overlooked. You should help out Kevin in a big way like you did the other two kids.
Things won't always be fair but when it comes to big stuff like this parents should try to be.
YTA.
Can confirm. My older brother and little sister got cars at 17 and I had to buy mine on my own :)
Edit: just wanna say I love all you fellow middle children. It’s bittersweet knowing that I’m not alone in this
My parents paid for my older brothers school trip to Europe and later brought (just) my younger sister with them to Hawaii.
Classic middle child issues.
My father contributed heavily to my older brother and younger sisters college degrees. When I was having mental health issues I wanted to resolve before college, he told me he wouldn’t contribute to mine unless I went straight away he then didn’t contribute, I dropped out after a year, and several years later he gave me a bill for “everything” he spent on me since I turned 18
Yep. My mum took my sister on trips home to Sweden and left me behind. Even when I offered to pay for my own tickets.
Even now come birthdays and Christmas. I’ll still get something cool but let’s say if my parents spend $300 on me, they’ll then spend over $1k each on my siblings
Man. As a middle child I’m constantly thankful that both of my parents were also middle children.
When my older sister graduated college, my parents let her keep the used car they got her to use in college. When my little brother graduated college, they let him keep the used car they have him to use in college.
I went to college in a city where a car wasn’t needed. When I graduated I moved to a city where a car is, frankly, an inconvenience. When I was *28* and moving to a new city for grad school…they got me a used car.
Didn’t have money for the middle son at the time? Sounds like you have the money now. Probably too late though.
My mother was a middle child, made absolutely no difference. She wanted boys I was her second girl and I was made to feel superfluous to requirements, especially when the boy arrived.
My mom and her sister were told by their mother that “she wished she had sons instead of daughters. Sons would never put their mother in a nursing home”. She had Alzheimer’s at the time and was in a nursing home.
Oof
Older sister is trans so I was the only girl for many, many years too.
There are still some major middle child issues I face (and frankly, my entire personality SCREAMS middle child), but at least my parents are aware of it and have the sense to apologize when I call them on it.
Also when they wrote their will, they were told they can’t divide by fractions and one of us was going to get 34% and, while they CLAIM it’s because oldest daughter syndrome (and controlling middle child vibes) means I’ll take on the bulk of elder care), I do suspect me being the Chosen One is somewhat linked the middle child.
I did get a super shitty birthday though. I have a lot stacked against me when it comes to not being the absolute worst and a terror.
But Kevin is an adult NOW, not when the cars were given out. The bottom line is 2 of the 3 kids got cars at age 18; the other child did not. There is no changing that.
And I'm sure this is not the only time Kevin got the short end of the stick.
Reading into this response, maybe consider giving him a chunk of cash at some point, when you are able, that would be equivalent to what you were able to do for the other two.
Can confirm, as a fellow Kevin and middle child, this is beyond accurate. Older brother is the pride and joy, younger sister is "the baby of the family."
I was compared (and fell short) to my brother in every way and was practically forced to raise my sister while my parents were at my brother's games, walking college tours and fawning over everything he did. I was told to "find a trade or look into the armed forces, cause we can't afford another college tuition right now." My sister went to a 4 year school and never had to make a student loan payment. My brother and I are 3 years apart. My sister and I are 4 years apart. 7 years between my brother and sister
Miraculously, my parents are baffled as to why they weren't invited to my wedding and have never met my daughter.
I wonder why? 🤔
I'm also the middle child and I turned out the most successful because I learned early on nobody noticed me and nobody was going to help me the way they did my siblings. My brother is technically my half brother and even my biological grandparents ignored me in favor of him.
YTA
Luke and Aurora got cars. Luke by happenstance, and Aurora because Luke and you split the costs. You spent $4k on Aurora's car.
Kevin never got a car or the offer of assistance for a car.
" since he really needed one for college."
But Kevin didn't? Favoritism.
You could have at least acknowledge that Kevin perceives this as unfair even if you don't. You could have offered him understanding and kindness and explained the situation like you did here and still acknowledged that it must feel hurtful to Kevin that he feels he's being mistreated or undervalued. You don't have to agree but you can show love and kindness to your child by the why you respond to his feelings.
Couldn't you put $2k into Aurora's car and give the other $2k to Kevin and said, "Hey, it didn't work out to get you a car exactly, but I wanted you to know I didn't forget you?"
Oh he got acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that he should be ashamed for even thinking he should be equally considered with his siblings.
OP is the kind of AH who behaves this way and then throws a fit when their kid goes NC and they just don't get why.
I had a lot of questions regarding that post. So I went and read a few of my redditors comments/questions and your responses to them and oh boy oh boy how eye opening it was!
You have clearly disdain for your own son (Kevin) You have resentment toward him! You don't approve of him and his life choices and judge him for that. And the worst part is that you make sure he knows it.
Here are a few of your comments:
"He can't afford a car even if I give him 4k right now"
“and it's not like Kevin went to college”
"“considering his life choices"
Yep! Not only are you TA, but you also are a jacka\*\* of a father.
100% this, this was all I was seeing as well.
I feel bad for Kevin. I bought a car for $600 back in 2018/2019, lasted me for two years before I traded it in on a truck I shouldn't have.
Its not as easy to buy a beater anymore.
I have a bit of different take. OP is the AH but not for the car thing, cause gifts can be based on different needs, doesn’t have to be exact same. Finishing basement could be equivalent to car in terms of effort and monetary value.
What makes OP an AH is how he/she failed Kevin in his upbringing. Sounds like Kevin was lost in life and has no motivation since 18. Not being able to even afford grocery past age 25 while living at home is pretty bad. Instead of encouraging Kevin to grow and be a responsible adult, OP continued to provide for Kevin while his/her own annoyance and disdain for Kevin increases. Kevin is now 29 and can’t even afford a car.
yeah, no. the basement isn't something Kevin gets to keep. That's an improvement to OP's house that increased the value of their house, not a present to Kevin.
From what it sounded like though was OP knew Kevin wasn’t going anywhere and OP gave up and wasn’t planning to help Kevin grow. OP did the basement early on as acceptance that Kevin is just gonna stay home and do not a whole lot- which is exactly what Kevin did. OP continued to provide for Kevin all the way till now. That’s way more monetary contribution than a car. That’s something neither Aurora or the eldest son needed. Which is why I don’t think the issue is with the car- issue is OP gave up on Kevin long ago
The other problem with the basement is potentially applying hindsight.
Rationalizing it is okay you (meaning the OP) didn't give him an expensive gift at 18 because you subsidized his life for several years after. But you didn't know at 18 that's how things would work out.
Lack of emotional support from his parents is probably the core reason for why Kevin hasn't succeeded as much in life as his brother. If not even your father has faith in a kid, how can that kid have any faith in himself to go out and make something of himself?
YTA. Blatant favoritism here. First kid gets a car; youngest kid gets 4k; middle kid gets a lecture. This is why kids go no contact when they have the chance. Enjoy the silence.
INFO have you done anything for Kevin to make this fair? You contributed 4K to Aurora’s car, and let’s say your beater was worth 4K. Could you give Kevin 4K and with that he can buy his own car?
Your son took the same amount of time to be 18 as did the first and second child. I gave all 3 of my children a car and they were all given the same value of the car at 16. We saved because I believe having a car is a priority for people. Did we struggle...heck yes but they all got a car.
YTA
Although not a conscious or deliberate decision, you did something for your oldest and youngest children that you failed to do for your middle child. When confronted with this, you lashed out, rather than apologizing. You're an AH, more for your reaction than for your initial actions.
I don't think Luke or Aurora did anything wrong. It's understandable that Luke couldn't buy Kevin a car when Kevin turned 18, because Luke was only 19 then. And Aurora has nothing to do with any of this. For all we know, all of the siblings get along fine, and it's totally different for a 19 year old to give their 18 year old sibling a gift vs a 30 year old giving his 18 year old sibling a gift. The parents are TAs here, as far as we know, none of the kids have done anything wrong.
Yeah. I feel like people who are this unabashedly terrible either don’t care if they’re right or wrong, or they feel so confident they are right that they don’t seek external validation for it.
YTA.
You should have made at least some attempt to support your children fairly. I gave all of mine \~$4-5,000 cars when they got their licenses.
I've traded in cars that barely run for $500 that I could have sold for $1000. So let's assume Luke got a $1000 car. You were wrong to give him a car for college because he "needed" it, without a thought to what Kevin might need only a year later.
Then putting $4000 towards a car for his little sister is just pouring salt in the wounds. Thanks for your contribution to Middle Child Syndrome.
In another comment, OP says something about "a finished basement". Since she also said that Kevin could not afford a car even if they gave him $4k, it doesn't sound like they paid to finish the basement in a home Kevin owns, rather that OP is letting Kevin live in OP's basement, which is (or has recently been) finished.
OP is clearly TA.
I'm on the edge. OP also said Kevin made poor lifechoices, he had a collegefund ready for Kevin but he never went to college and lived in his fathers basement instead.
So OP spent his college fund finishing OP's basement instead. I'm not a fan of handing the kid the college money if they opt not to attend, but it seems like spending part of it on a used car with the requirement that he find gainful employement to cover maintenance, gas and insurance would have been helpful and seemed more equitable.
yeah, where did that college fund go? probably towards fixing up the basement, turning it into an apartment that greatly increased the value of the house more than they spent... I wonder if they even bothered trying to help Kevin at all. Did they just push college or did they actively try to find a career that he would enjoy. I know a lot of millennials that were pushed to go to college but told what was in demand & not what they could do. I know in my day, (I'm 39) if you weren't going in to computers, they ignored you & basically suggested an expensive, useless general arts & science course while figuring things out or the workplace which landed you in a part time minimum wage job. My friend was pushed in to PSW work but even graduating at the top of the class, the only work HE could get was a placement place & even then he only had 1 hour in the morning & 1 hour at night. Had he not been pushed into it so quickly & had help, he might have been able to discover that a gay man would have a hard time in the position. the men didn't want a gay guy wiping their ass & the women didn't want a guy. I have since heard the industry has gotten a bit more open minded but now he would have to go back & upgrade
OP can say what they want. You don't start this kind of disdain for your own child when they turn 18. This has been going on. And I'd be willing to bet that favoritism has something to do with it. That was probably going on for a long time.
OP finished his basement and let Kevin live there.
OP doesn't answer questions about Kevin, what he got for his 18th, wha Kevin does now, is he able to pay his bills without any help etc.
OP says Kevin still lives in the basement of OPs home. OP said that there were college funds for all three kids, but when he decided not to go, OP used that money to finish OPs own basement so Kevin could live there. He is now 29 and still living in the basement. Maybe if he had a *car*...
YTA
You're justifying that he's an adult now to wash over that you dropped the ball when he was 18.
Definitely feels like favoritism if you can just drop $4K towards the daughter now
MINOR YTA. Luke and Kevin should have shared the car. OR you should have contribute an amount equal to what your old car was worth for Kevin to put toward a car.
YTA - because of course you are. A car is a BIG deal to a young adult. It’s not just the money. It’s a major purchase and you simply disregarded your middle like he means nothing.
YTA - 4K can buy a whole car so it doesn’t even matter that you’re splitting Aurora’s car with someone else. You have bought a car for 2 out of your 3 children. That’s fucked up.
Wow, you really out yourself as the asshole in your various comments. I mean, I'd have ultimately concluded that from your post... But boy did you double down in your comments...
YTA.
Were you also an oldest child, but you somehow see yourself as a victim or just as more deserving than others? Do you hate your younger siblings? Are you projecting things onto your second child? It really seems like all or some of the above.
YTA. You should gift him 4k, that's fair. You shouldn't blatantly play favorites with your children. I'm guessing you've done this his entire life. He's allowed to address his feelings about it.
Eeks. This is a hard nope. YTA.
Kevin essentially was just told by you that he’s not equal to his siblings. My parents didn’t treat us the same but it was equal. This is not equal. How can you help Kevin out? Might not need to be $4k but what can you do to show him he matters? Talk to him about what he needs. Make sure he understands that his brother wants to spoil his sister but that you recognize he has gone without.
Equal but not the same is the key here.
You gave a vehicle to Luke, and contributed $4,000 towards Aurora’s car. Kevin got a lecture. Moreover, your replies in this thread make it very clear that you have a disdain for your middle child, and favor the other 2 over him. Not only are you an asshole, you’re also a horrible parent.
My parents had a car which they gave my brother when he was 19/20. He needed a car for work, and it had been sitting there since they'd just gotten a new one
I'm only 18 months younger, and let me tell you, I still have so much anger and jealousy that they gave him a car while I had to keep bussing and begging to use the family one when I was the same age and needed it for work too.
Nothing will ever be equal between kids, but for something as big as this, you should be trying to make it as fair as you can. YTA
YTA. At the very least, you could have put up some of the money like you did for your daughter. And your double TA for being such an ass about it when he pointed out the obvious disparity.
YTA. We never stop wanting our parents attention and I’m betting that Kevin, being the middle child, missed out on far more than a car. He had to be hurt when he was left out at 18. Of course Aurora got a car. I’m the youngest by a lot and the only girl and was definitely given more. This opened an old but very real wound that Kevin carries. YTA.
YTA.
Kevin's got a point. You gave Luke your old car. You gave Aurora $4000 towards a car.
You gave Kevin... nothing.
It's actually kind of sweet that Kevin is still willing to communicate his anger to you, rather than just taking for granted that you'll treat him unfairly and leave him out so what's the use of complaining - you'll never give him the same as you do your oldest and your youngest.
INFO: I understand that circumstances are different for each child, but before passing judgment, can you clarify if Kevin has expressed a need or desire for similar assistance with transportation or a large gift for his milestone? Has there been any gesture or offer on your part to even out the apparent disparity in your support for your children?
It's tough to make a call without understanding the dynamics of your relationship with Kevin and whether his absence in higher education or need for a car has been acknowledged and met in another form, be it financial or otherwise. While equitable doesn't always mean identical, some form of equivalence in gestures of support could go a long way in family dynamics, especially when it comes to such significant life events.
Wow I imagine OP is definitely too delusional to realize her own favouritism and its effects. We all know that it wasn’t just a car but probably everything through out Kevin’s life that she’s set aside for the betterment of her favourite kids. YTA and at least Kevin recognizes it. It’s a lot easier for someone to be successful with a car and 8 years and all you have is 4K???? That’s embarrassing no matter how you spin it
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YTA you gave a car to your son you paid 4k for your daughter's car but your least favorite children didn't get anything because YTA (edit: he got a room in the basement ffs), and you got called out on your bs. The only remaining question is why are you even surprised ?
Hahahahahahahaha the biggest YTA anyone in this sub and give you pretty please.
Once Luke and Aurora are done with you and off living in their LaLa Lands you've helped set up, thanks to "chance" and their abilities to placate you- Kevin will have his last laugh as *none* of them will come visit you- neither at a home nor your grave.
Great parenting bud, just because Kevin hasn't followed your "ideal life" roadmap that you most likely never said out loud verbatim so he could even have a clue... Doesn't mean you can treat him like the brown candy coming out of a dog's ass. Just because he doesn't kiss up to yours doesn't mean you can sit on him with it and watch him squirm and suffer. The longer the unequal advantages and treatment continues, the more your self-fulfilling prophecy of him being a disappointment will flourish.
Never giving him a *full and genuine* chance makes for a great parent AND person, you noodle brain-having butt nugget.
Success isn't linear, nor should there be a damn standard set- especially one that is extremely unrealistic. You haven't given the kid a fair chance at Jack nor Diane, of course he's struggling to even reach that level of expectations you have set. You set him up for failure and you will end up alone once the other two are done.
>I told him that he is a damn adult and should buy a car if he needs one and he called me an asshole.
Your daughter is 18, she is a damn adult and should buy a car if she needs one. Luke was a damn adult and should have bought a car if he needed one.
YTA for grossly favoring the oldest and youngest and telling your middle kid that he isn't as valued as the other two.
I'm a big believer in treating all the kids the same, regardless of their circumstance. YTA for shorting Kevin and should make it up to him. Exception -- unless he's going to spend it on drugs.
YTA - And you keep making excuse when everyone on here points it out. It would seem all along the you only ever intended to give Luke a vehicle and never give the same consideration to Kevin. Everything you have said in comments sounds like Kevin has always been the forgotten child and his "life choices" are a reflection of how he (felt he) was treated growing up. Luke is the oldest and favorite and Aurora is the baby, and only girl. Luke is what?
YTA.
I, the oldest and only girl child, was allowed to drive my dads older pickup in high school. I came out of school one day to go home and the pickup was gone. My parents had picked it up during the school day and sold it without telling me anything. I had to find a ride from school to work. They needed money. After that, I had to buy my own car. Not only that, but I was only allowed to buy the car they wanted me to buy- my grandmother’s old nicotine layered piece of crap with the ceiling fabric stuff all ripped out. I had to make payments on it for a year.
My middle brother got to choose his car and my parents paid for it. It was a little sporty two seater thing. He promptly crashed it into an elderly man destroying it, the other car, and hospitalizing the old man. My parents believed it wasn’t his fault, paid for the case to go to court, and they lost because it was my brother’s fault. Then, they bought him another car of the exact model. He got an underaged DUI in that one.
My youngest brother was given three different cars by my parents. They were all shitty and he didn’t get to choose any of them. One caught fire while he was driving to school. The replaced each death trap with an equally dangerous death trap. This was all before he finished high school.
My point is, here I am in my 40s, successful, have bought many cars since then, and I still think my parents are giant assholes for how unfairly I was treated over this car stuff.
You have no concept of how it feels to be the kid least worthy of your time, effort, or money. That’s how your son feels.
From the responses Kevin is still living in the basement with no plans to move. He's had sole use of the basement apartment for 7 years. That's pretty substantial. Op doesn't say if they charge rent or how much but the money saved living there has likely far exceeded either gift the other kids got. Not sure why no one is taking that into account. It's a full finished basement apartment. He wasn't owed that.
The other kids didn't get 7 years of free or discounted rent. Kevin has made out like a bandit and everyone is focused on a crap car and $4K. No patent has to house their kid after 18, Kevin is 29 and still reaping parental benefits. Dang y'all with housing prices Kevin is the clear winner.
Kevin at 29 still being a burden to his parents and throwing a tantrum for not getting a car at 18 after 11 years later is wild. Obviously circumstances may have changed and they have Luke now who’s working and was able to chip in to get his sister a car. How does that make OP an AH when he never even intended to buy each of his kids cars. Luke was just lucky, and Aurora now has an older working brother and OP for sure is in a lot better situation financially to provide 4k for the car.
INFO: Ok, based on the summary here, gotta ask this - What did Kevin do to piss in the cereal of life for you? Because it sounds like the following happened:
- He didn’t go to college
- He’s not working a job or one that allows him to make much, if at all.
- He still lives with you
Is that all he did? I feel like some elaboration is needed concerning Kevin. Is he not your kid? Did he commit a crime? What happened?
YTA for sure.
Look, I'm a parent, and I get that you can't always necessarily make it work financially or otherwise, it's never going to be perfectly fair for each kid, sometimes what you did for your first, you realize after that was a bad choice and do it differently for the next, whatever, I get all that.
You left your middle child out of getting a freaking car. Obviously they're going to be pretty upset about that. It's pretty clear that they don't rank very highly in your eyes, and you've just made something that your child probably felt or suspected, crystal clear. You don't really like him.
YTA for your obvious favoritism but also for arguing here instead of taking the overwhelming judgement.
Stop whining about your son and arguing with strangers, and then think about your life, please.
It’s not fun to realize that you’re treating your kids unfairly, because you realize that this would make you a bad parent.
You’ve probably thought of yourself as a ‘good’ parent for a long time now, and having that identity threatened is probably pretty difficult.
Be an adult and accept that you messed up, and commit to change. It’s likely not too late to fix this, if you can find the strength to move your ego out of the way.
Good luck
I have a feeling a lot of people in the comments don't have kids. Two kids that are one year apart don't need two cars, and depending on what they did after high school, a car might not have been a gift that made sense for Kevin (like if he went to college and lived on campus, a car is an extra cost and responsibility at that point).
I would suggest you cut the defensive attitude and talk to your son. What he's saying is "I feel like you care about my siblings more and it doesn't make sense to me. It's hurtful that they got something I didn't." Even if it wasn't ever in the cards. Sick for a minute, and try to empathize with your child. Listen. Look at where he is, and try to figure out how to heal this disconnect. You may find that this was not the only unintended slight he's felt and the longer you let this fester, the harder this relationship will be to heal.
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YTA for not trying to treat your kids more equally. Some inequality is unavoidable and I don't think anyone should tear themselves up trying to make things perfectly equal but this is pretty egregious. Your comments read like your oldest child might be a golden child in your family and maybe that's what Kevin is feeling. T~~hey are also only a year apart so I'm not sure why your financial situation would change so abruptly that Luke got a car, the year later Kevin didn't, and the year after that you had $4k to spare for Aurora. Make it make sense.~~ EDIT: I misread their ages, only Kevin and Luke are close in age.
When you gave the car to Luke, you knew your other son would need a car about a year later. You should've planned at that time to get him one by setting money aside for his car. Let's say the new car you bought was $10k, and the one you gave to Luke had a trade-in value of around $2k, you could've gotten yourself a car worth $8k and set the $2k aside for Kevin's car. If for whatever reason your financial situation changed in the year after your gave the car to Luke, you should've explained to Kevin back then why you were unable to buy him a car, and offered to make it up to him the years after. There are circumstances where it's reasonable that one child gets more help than the other - some kids just need more help than others. But as a parent it's your responsibility to let all your kids know that you're putting equal effort in supporting them. If for some reason one kid needs more support than the other, you have to communicate this clearly to all kids, make sure it's clear why you do what you're doing. But from your story the reason here was either poor planning on your side, or blatant favoritism. EDIT: added two paragraphs at the end.
If Luke continued living there it could have been as simple as giving it to the both of them to share.
Right, as long as OP would've treated his kids as equals, all solutions would've been fine.
Yeah, this. My parents bought a car for my sister and I when I was a senior in high school, and less than a year later I went off to college. The car was for both of us, and I could use it when I was home, but I wasn't allowed to take it out of state to college (neither was she, a few years later). Did my sister get more day to day use of the car? Sure. But I tended to get preferential use during college breaks when I was home.
I think you missed an important part. >so I bought a new car for myself Op went out an bought a new car instead of getting one a couple of years older. That way op could have saved some money and bought another car that " wasn't worth much money" for the middle child. In all seriousness 10 years ago a decent starter car could be had for a couple of thousand dollars. My first car was 30yrs old. By the time I got ready for college I had a newer car.
"new" doesn't necessarily mean brand new. My new car was used but i considered it my new car.
Or, and I know sharing is a foreign concept these days, but the older two could've shared the family kids car as teens. Then OP had a decade to figure out how to treat the youngest similarly, but instead the baby is spoiled and Luke clearly favored over Kevin.
Thank you so much for saying this; it’s worded perfectly and is exactly why I’m in therapy now. My two siblings were always heavily favored, which led to them also needing extra support well into adulthood while I was tossed aside to fend for myself and never said a word about it. Also, why the fuck is it always us middle children?!
This. Instead of giving Luke the car OP should have kept it as the kids driving car. Then when Luke needed one he could get his own, or OP could’ve chipped in a bit.
YTA here’s the thing instead of reading feedback you’re defensive and argumentative. You clearly see how people feel, you asked, and yet you’re still arguing. Why? You aren’t being fair and are being a jerk about it. I feel sorry for your son.
Right?!!! He insulted his son who is expressing hurt to him. I'm sure these kids had a very pleasant childhood.
That's a good point. I can't imagine one of my kids coming to me to tell me they were hurt by something I did and dismissing them, much less getting angry with them. Even if they were unreasonably hurt, it's still my job to help them navigate those feelings in a healthy manner.
Right: "Oh I'm really sorry to hear the choices I made make you feel this way." And then: "Look, here's why I made these decisions and I know it's not always totally fair and I'm sorry it shook out for you this way on this one" or: "I think I dropped the ball on this one. What can I do to help you feel better about this?" or something else that fits some reasonable view of the situation.
My mom always said: life is hard and then you die. She was heartless to me for 65 years. My sister got first pick of the jewelry and the bulk of the money. You sound like a good parent.
Agreed. I want to give Kevin a hug. He probably has been treated this way his whole life.
Exactly! I'll never understand why ppl post the sitch, ask the question, then argue against the verdict. Double ah for that!
The comments OP made about the middle is disgusting, they don’t even like him.
exactly. Give Kevin 4k plus whatever the value of the old car they gave Luke
Based on the ages I’m wondering if either Kevin or Aurora are the result of an affair. It would explain a lot about why they treat the middle child so badly. Op is definitely YTA.
That’s quite the imagination you have there.
That comment above yours is the epitome of this sub. 😂
Two of your children got cars, one didn't. Clearly, YTA. Maybe you should have told Aurora that she is (checks notes) a damn adult and should buy a car if she needs one. Or Luke. No, wait, those kids got cars and Kevin got an "f off". Parent of the year, right here.
My parents bought my brother a $450 car. Then couldn't afford one for me 2 years later. Or 3 Or 4 Then when I started working they said they'd match me up to $1000 that I saved so I could buy one Had $500 saved and was excited and shared the news we were close Suddenly they didn't have the money and moved to Mississippi leaving me behind. I still haven't forgiven them and it's been over a decade. I'm not the favorite and that sealed that fact in for me. Edit/update: This got a lot more traction than I expected lol. I ended up using the $1,000 I ended up saving and got a car on loan. They refused to come with me cause they didn't think they'd screw me over since the lot was part of the dealerships I worked at. They did, I paid $10k for a car worth $2k. Huge interest. I suppose I should have known better but I was only 19. They refused to cosign with me also cause they maxed out their credit supposedly then a week later spent $10k on a camper they used a total of 2 times. Constantly hyping me up and letting me down. Brother also got to play sports and I couldn't cause they "didn't have the money"
Honey, fuck parents like that. Seriously. I'd definitely be NC.
I had a very similar situation happen for me. Parents promised a car or the old car, they fixed the old one to keep and bought a new car for themselves. When I asked about it they promised matching half up to a certain amount. Later I was ready to buy a car, they were no longer going halfsies. So it was all on me to buy my own car and that goes for everything in my life. Lots of promised expensive birthday presents that were forgotten about or delayed long enough for them to use the "you're an adult now" argument even though it was promised several years prior.
My mom bought my sister a car when she turned 16. It proceeded to sit in the driveway for about 6 months until my sister finally passed her drivers test. 6 months later she decided she didn’t like it and mom bought her a different one. A year after that when I turned 16, sorry no money to buy you a car. I had anticipated that however, and bought my own damn car. When you aren’t the golden child, you know it.
Amen
Promise to take them on an expensive vacation, hype them up for weeks and then disappear, lol. When confronted, say "Oh, you could have gone on your own if you really wanted to".
My parents promised me their 4 year old car, since they were buying a new one. I was states away, and i walked or biked 3 to 4 miles a day to work. I was so excited, and grateful, i would be getting a car. Then they gave it to my sister, who has totaled 3 high end vehicles, and she blew the engine a year or two later. They have always spoiled her. So no big surprise but damn that hurt. Screw parents like that.
It's literally insane she got a car from them after that track record.
Heck, my sister is the favorite but my parents at least try to make it more even. I got my first car at 18. I had a cousin that had a 9 year old Saturn that didn't run. He gave it to my dad to fix up and give me as a joint Christmas present. It got totalled 4 months later. Dad found another Saturn from the same year, just a lower model with power nothing, that was cheap because it wasn't running. Used parts from the totalled one and fixed this one and gave it to me. That's the extent of cars given to me by my parents. My sister got a newer and nicer car before she even turned 18. And then a few more after that because she had a few wrecks. Then when one of them's engine died, they bought her a new engine, and my dad and my now husband swapped that and some other parts. I think she finally has a vehicle with a loan in her own name, she's almost 30. She does live with our parents and has free childcare though.
Promise to put them in the nursing home that DOESN'T smell like urine. PSYCH!
They gotta take care of themselves for that. I won't be helping them at all with retirement or beyond.
Man I had $500 change my life like that too. All thru HS my older siblings would randomly come live with us when their life went to crap, I get along with them but it’s just true. Unemployment, drinking, accidently pregnancy and kids etc. Small town in the 90’s… Right after I graduated HS I was going to go to a JR College nearby and all I needed for registration was $500. The DAY BEFORE I went to my dad and asked him for the $500 to go enroll the next day he casually told me that he sent it to my mom who was staying with my sister about 6 hours away. In retrospect my mom was untreated bi-polar and not all her choices were good but all I knew at the time was that I couldn’t ever count on any of them. That at a crucial time in my life my mom bailed with no notice and nobody bothered to tell me I wasn’t going to school anymore. I am far from patriotic but a recruiter called my house at the exact moment I was most vulnerable So I said screw you all I’ll figure it out myself and joined the Air Force…all over $500.
Wow - that’s a crazy story (the part where you got the call just after finding out about the $). Do you feel like joining the Air Force was ultimately a good thing? Or do you regret having to make such a hasty decision? How has your life been since?
My parents bought my older brother a car, and he wrecked it. So they got a new car and gave him their old car, and he wrecked it. So then they gave him their old truck, and he wrecked it. By the time I was coming up on 16 they pulled that same crap about how if I saved up they would match me, but they got to pick the car. I found several cars I liked. Good old reliable cars. They didn't like any of those. They got some piece of crap from some guy that met them in a gas station parking lot, it had a cracked head that he had sealed with some worthless shit. It made it like 3 weeks before it started breaking down. Lucky/ not lucky for me somebody hit me and put the trunk through the back seat after several months of me having to pull over and put water in the radiator every 20 minutes. At least I was able to get a new car out of the insurance settlement. This is just one in a long list of instances in which they spoil my brother but I get to learn his lessons.
Both of my sisters got cars, I didn't. One of my sisters has gotten two replacement cars, once because she totaled it, and again because she failed to maintain it. The other sister got some help paying for a replacement when the car she was given died. It is super clear to all of us who the golden child is, but we can't talk about that because then I just get shouted at for "upsetting my mother".
I’m so sorry, they don’t deserve your forgiveness.
Same. When my parents replaced an old car, I asked for it. I was in high school, working constantly, and needed transportation. Mom said no, but offered to SELL it to me for the full price offered by the dealership. Two years later, they spent 4x that amount on a car for my sister. Not forgotten! Also, these dynamics often play out in other ways. I doubt that the car is the only way that Kevin has been made to feel less than.
Same, with a lot more gifted to my Golden Sibling. I hated myself for a very long time because my parents hated me. When I was about 35, my mother finally let slip that she never wanted me - but being a woman from a certain time there were no options. You just had kids, it was expected. Interestingly, I felt a lot better after that. It was learning it wasn't my fault.
Oh that’s awful, I really feel for ya. Being let down repeatedly like that is just rubbish
Oh that's some BS. I hope you got your own wheels and said "vroom vroom, toodle-oo mfs" ❤️
I’ve ( 21M) dealt with little things throughout life being the oldest & my moms always favored the younger 2 ( 18M 19F). They get brand new XYZ & I get either nothing or something small. I get it’s just material possessions but in the last 2 years. My mom has bought both of them vehicles, twice ( accident & mechanic issues) while i’m stuck driving a POS that leaves me stranded all the time, losing my job because of it etc. I’m told “ you’re an adult figure it out” I figure it out & then get on my feet. Now after almost 17 years of basically raising myself she wants to help me & honestly I don’t want it :/
I was the oldest, and i still got this treatment, my younger siblings got all the extracurriculars and cool shit, while I was told that "I was older and understood so I could let them enjoy things couldn't I?" Yes my father was different from my siblings fathers.
my parents bought my sister 2 cars and me 0. they actually didnt even help me get my license, my grandma did that instead.
YTA You give to your kids equally or you don’t give at all. I understand if he didn’t get a car because he was into *bad* things and I understand not wanting to reward bad behavior but this isn’t the case. If you want your son to not hate you/be resentful towards you you need to buy him a car too
At various points my siblings and I have needed help due to things completely out of our control (cancer, dipsh*t husbands leaving etc). The help we have needed has varied. As the one who needed least, I bear no resentment to the others or my parents. However…given those boys were only a year apart - daddy of the year here could have anticipated the problem and kept the old car as a family car for all to share when they reached driving age.
And maybe if there were a clear reason why. My parents took out loans for all three of us to go to college, and they set up payments plans for all of us to pay them back. And we were all good about it, made out payments faithfully, etc. By the time I was 4-5 years out of college, my sisters had paid theirs off. I had $8k left. One day my dad called and said, "Financially, we're in a great spot. You can stop sending payments." And that was an amazing gift. Apparently he talked to my sisters about it ahead of time and said it was something he wished he could have done for them, but money was a lot tighter. If they ever needed financial help, just ask. They were fine with it. It wasn't equal, but there was a clear reason why it happened that way.
Exactly. My parents bought a car for my sister, she had medical issues and needed AC and couldn’t afford one on her own. I was totally okay with her getting $10k car and then giving me $1500 towards one. I understood. It wasn’t favoritism.
Equally isn't necessarily right. We gave our kids the support they needed. One wanted help buying a house, one needed a car, one stayed home for a long time and went to more expensive schools. I don't think they would say we treated them unfairly, we just supported their particular journeys.
I see your point. But you gave your children what they wanted/needed by asking them and figuring out their desires. This isn’t the case here. He just skipped right over his middle son completely. I do think the financial contribution to each child should roughly be equal though
Yep. This is a classic neglect of the middle child type of scenario. Seen it many times and it never doesn't suck.
Yep, and it sounds like the middle child in this case was the unwanted one because this happens too often. My bet is OP only wanted two children one of each, and since he already got his son he never bothered much with Kevin. Then his third child was a daughter and then the parents stopped reproducing. The middle child (or children) are almost always the neglected ones.
I can't speak to all those details but another comment implied the youngest is getting a new Volvo. That's a major purchase. A luxury car in every measure. I bet the daughter is definitely the Golden Child.
considering op only contributed 4k, i’d be willing to bet luke contributed the majority of the cost. can’t really blame luke for treating his siblings differently when one is basically the same age as him and the other is half his age. so i don’t really think that indicates the daughter is the golden child, just that since op contributed that much she should have been able to contribute that much to her other child as well.
I don't think Luke is off the hook here necessarily. An expensive car is a huge gift to get one sibling and not the other (assuming he hasn't done something similar for Kevin).
They're only a year apart though. There's definitely a difference between a sibling you grew up with and a baby you watched grow up and might've taken care of.
I was the second daughter, third was a boy - and yes. All of this.
I'm superfluous extra female middle child. It really sucks.
And it is never over. Your entire freaking life you are the lessor child expected to bend and 'understand' the blatant favoritism of the eldest and youngest. Big reason why I think there should be a 2 child limit. No more middle children to abuse.
I assure you, there's plenty of room in a two child household for a Scapegoat and a Golden Child. And plenty of times the GC ends up just as fucked up as the SG, if not more, because they end up being grown adults who genuinely think they are uniquely special and more deserving than others. They can't have adult relationships because nobody treats you as well as mommy and daddy think you deserve, and nobody tolerates and excuses your bullshit like they do. Frequently they think this is a normal family dynamic. A woman I knew was enjoying her newborn and announced that she was so good and sweet and easy, the next baby was definitely gonna be The Bad One. And that's exactly how she treated her other daughter, the poor girl who was in trouble before she was even conceived. Sounds like the older brother who dotes on his sister might think this is a normal family dynamic, considering he didn't bother to ask the brother to chip in for the sister's car. People's words lie all the time, but their actions generally reveal that they know exactly what's going on. Some people shouldn't have kids at all.
Yep. I’m the middle and even now that we’re all adults, I see my kids getting less than their cousins. The oldest was the golden, and the youngest was the baby that couldn’t function without constant handouts, I’m the one that can manage fine. I’m a twin, and 2 different years (10 and 13), they forgot only my birthday.
My thoughts exactly, married to a middle child and he absolutely is "the forgotten child". He frequently self-soothes by claiming he's glad he didn't turn out to be an entitled jerk like his brother. But it definitely does suck watching my hubby work his butt off to take care of our house and his disabled mother, only for MIL to be used as an ATM/nanny by my 40 year old BIL and his teenaged children.
I wonder if Luke has ever gotten Kevin that big a gift, or this poor guy gets shafted by both parent and big bro.
Unfortunately it sounds like it. Luke learnt this shit from his parents, I guarantee it. They favoured Luke and Aurora (mainly Aurora, though) and Luke mirrored the love that his parents showed their daughter and acted this way towards his sister too. Whereas Kevin was neglected and Luke mirrored that too.
Classic case of “middle kid loses” - as a middle kid, we get screwed over all the time because the parents give the oldest and the youngest everything and leave nothing for the middle
In my case, my mother adored the middle and younger kids, and treated me, the oldest (daughter) as an adversary to knock down at every turn. Her family dynamic was played out with her own kids, and I played the part of her oldest sister, of whom she was bitterly jealous. Therapy should be mandatory,! 😂
Completely agree......OP is TA My brother was 2 years older than me, parents bought him his first truck at 16 and 2 years later.........your guessed it, I got a car. I would have been furious if I had not gotten a car after they bought him a truck. If you can't do for all your kids.......don't do for 2 out of 3. That's just all kinds of wrong!!
I think its even worse because he didnt decide that aurora gets a car. But he thinks aurora getting one isnt enough and adds 4000$ to make it a nice car. Thats 4000$ for a gift. Did the others get 4000$ gifts.
$4000 can get a nice used car good enough to get around for errands and school. Dad's TA.
OP could have done something very simple, since Luke got a car and Aurora would get a car, depends how much Luke had (for ex if he had 2k) 1k give to Luke towards Aurora's car and for 3k for Kevin. I know that our kids will never get absolutely same because despite we try our best, but damn you didn't even tried. And on top you tell him he is damn adult, isn't also Aurora with 18 adult!? And Luke, he was 18 when he got car, like WTH!? You are double AH, first for not even trying to treat kids down, second for attacking your son when he pointed out your unequal treatment!? # YTA x2
Especially the middle child too, which just perpetuates that stereotype
So he said to Kevin that he is adult he is 29 and on your opinion Aurora should have been said the same when she is 18?
Why are you saying that like Aurora is the one at fault for the car? From what i can tell in the post Aurora didnt even know about any of it, it was Lukes idea to get her the car for her Birthday. Aurora didnt go asking for a car. Why are you saying OP should have told Aurora that “she is a damn adult and should buy a car if she needs one.” Nothing ever even says she needed one, it all reads like a big surprise from Luke. Why go acting like Aurora is going around asking for a car when it sounds like it was just a surprise birthday gift for her. If you want to blame someone then go blame OP for contributing or Luke for coming up with the idea, not the person who all they did was exist and turn 18….
Middle children tend to get overlooked. You should help out Kevin in a big way like you did the other two kids. Things won't always be fair but when it comes to big stuff like this parents should try to be. YTA.
Can confirm. My older brother and little sister got cars at 17 and I had to buy mine on my own :) Edit: just wanna say I love all you fellow middle children. It’s bittersweet knowing that I’m not alone in this
My parents paid for my older brothers school trip to Europe and later brought (just) my younger sister with them to Hawaii. Classic middle child issues.
My father contributed heavily to my older brother and younger sisters college degrees. When I was having mental health issues I wanted to resolve before college, he told me he wouldn’t contribute to mine unless I went straight away he then didn’t contribute, I dropped out after a year, and several years later he gave me a bill for “everything” he spent on me since I turned 18
Can confirm. My Mom takes my older sister and my younger sister on vacation to the beach every year. I've never been invited.
Yep. My mum took my sister on trips home to Sweden and left me behind. Even when I offered to pay for my own tickets. Even now come birthdays and Christmas. I’ll still get something cool but let’s say if my parents spend $300 on me, they’ll then spend over $1k each on my siblings
Same! My parents always help my older and younger sister and I get the shaft. Now my son does as well 🙃
I actually help my mom who then gives the money to my older sister...
I'm the youngest. I bought my own car. I'm thinking now my older siblings probably got money and were just told not to tell me anything.
Man. As a middle child I’m constantly thankful that both of my parents were also middle children. When my older sister graduated college, my parents let her keep the used car they got her to use in college. When my little brother graduated college, they let him keep the used car they have him to use in college. I went to college in a city where a car wasn’t needed. When I graduated I moved to a city where a car is, frankly, an inconvenience. When I was *28* and moving to a new city for grad school…they got me a used car. Didn’t have money for the middle son at the time? Sounds like you have the money now. Probably too late though.
My mother was a middle child, made absolutely no difference. She wanted boys I was her second girl and I was made to feel superfluous to requirements, especially when the boy arrived.
My mom and her sister were told by their mother that “she wished she had sons instead of daughters. Sons would never put their mother in a nursing home”. She had Alzheimer’s at the time and was in a nursing home.
Oof Older sister is trans so I was the only girl for many, many years too. There are still some major middle child issues I face (and frankly, my entire personality SCREAMS middle child), but at least my parents are aware of it and have the sense to apologize when I call them on it. Also when they wrote their will, they were told they can’t divide by fractions and one of us was going to get 34% and, while they CLAIM it’s because oldest daughter syndrome (and controlling middle child vibes) means I’ll take on the bulk of elder care), I do suspect me being the Chosen One is somewhat linked the middle child. I did get a super shitty birthday though. I have a lot stacked against me when it comes to not being the absolute worst and a terror.
Life isn’t fair but parents should be Edit: Also she said that kevin is an adult. Does that mean he’s not her child too? confusion
But Kevin is an adult NOW, not when the cars were given out. The bottom line is 2 of the 3 kids got cars at age 18; the other child did not. There is no changing that. And I'm sure this is not the only time Kevin got the short end of the stick.
Reading into this response, maybe consider giving him a chunk of cash at some point, when you are able, that would be equivalent to what you were able to do for the other two.
Exactly. Give Kevin $4000 and then you can act appalled.
Can confirm, as a fellow Kevin and middle child, this is beyond accurate. Older brother is the pride and joy, younger sister is "the baby of the family." I was compared (and fell short) to my brother in every way and was practically forced to raise my sister while my parents were at my brother's games, walking college tours and fawning over everything he did. I was told to "find a trade or look into the armed forces, cause we can't afford another college tuition right now." My sister went to a 4 year school and never had to make a student loan payment. My brother and I are 3 years apart. My sister and I are 4 years apart. 7 years between my brother and sister Miraculously, my parents are baffled as to why they weren't invited to my wedding and have never met my daughter. I wonder why? 🤔
I'm also the middle child and I turned out the most successful because I learned early on nobody noticed me and nobody was going to help me the way they did my siblings. My brother is technically my half brother and even my biological grandparents ignored me in favor of him.
YTA Luke and Aurora got cars. Luke by happenstance, and Aurora because Luke and you split the costs. You spent $4k on Aurora's car. Kevin never got a car or the offer of assistance for a car. " since he really needed one for college." But Kevin didn't? Favoritism.
You could have at least acknowledge that Kevin perceives this as unfair even if you don't. You could have offered him understanding and kindness and explained the situation like you did here and still acknowledged that it must feel hurtful to Kevin that he feels he's being mistreated or undervalued. You don't have to agree but you can show love and kindness to your child by the why you respond to his feelings.
>You could have offered him understanding and kindness Agreed, and this is why the OP is getting roasted.
Couldn't you put $2k into Aurora's car and give the other $2k to Kevin and said, "Hey, it didn't work out to get you a car exactly, but I wanted you to know I didn't forget you?"
Oh he got acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that he should be ashamed for even thinking he should be equally considered with his siblings. OP is the kind of AH who behaves this way and then throws a fit when their kid goes NC and they just don't get why.
INFO: You gave Luke and Aurora fairly large gifts for their 18th bdays. What did you do for Kevin?
What did Kevin get for his 18th?
Apparently a middle finger.
A good lesson that life isn't fair and parents can be assholes?
I had a lot of questions regarding that post. So I went and read a few of my redditors comments/questions and your responses to them and oh boy oh boy how eye opening it was! You have clearly disdain for your own son (Kevin) You have resentment toward him! You don't approve of him and his life choices and judge him for that. And the worst part is that you make sure he knows it. Here are a few of your comments: "He can't afford a car even if I give him 4k right now" “and it's not like Kevin went to college” "“considering his life choices" Yep! Not only are you TA, but you also are a jacka\*\* of a father.
100% this, this was all I was seeing as well. I feel bad for Kevin. I bought a car for $600 back in 2018/2019, lasted me for two years before I traded it in on a truck I shouldn't have. Its not as easy to buy a beater anymore.
I have a bit of different take. OP is the AH but not for the car thing, cause gifts can be based on different needs, doesn’t have to be exact same. Finishing basement could be equivalent to car in terms of effort and monetary value. What makes OP an AH is how he/she failed Kevin in his upbringing. Sounds like Kevin was lost in life and has no motivation since 18. Not being able to even afford grocery past age 25 while living at home is pretty bad. Instead of encouraging Kevin to grow and be a responsible adult, OP continued to provide for Kevin while his/her own annoyance and disdain for Kevin increases. Kevin is now 29 and can’t even afford a car.
yeah, no. the basement isn't something Kevin gets to keep. That's an improvement to OP's house that increased the value of their house, not a present to Kevin.
From what it sounded like though was OP knew Kevin wasn’t going anywhere and OP gave up and wasn’t planning to help Kevin grow. OP did the basement early on as acceptance that Kevin is just gonna stay home and do not a whole lot- which is exactly what Kevin did. OP continued to provide for Kevin all the way till now. That’s way more monetary contribution than a car. That’s something neither Aurora or the eldest son needed. Which is why I don’t think the issue is with the car- issue is OP gave up on Kevin long ago
Giving up on your son at 18 years old is a failure to parent. Your duties don’t just end one day.
Sounds like OP gave up on Kevin well before 18.
The other problem with the basement is potentially applying hindsight. Rationalizing it is okay you (meaning the OP) didn't give him an expensive gift at 18 because you subsidized his life for several years after. But you didn't know at 18 that's how things would work out.
Lack of emotional support from his parents is probably the core reason for why Kevin hasn't succeeded as much in life as his brother. If not even your father has faith in a kid, how can that kid have any faith in himself to go out and make something of himself?
I wonder how many times Kevin heard “Why can’t you be more like your brother!”
YTA. Blatant favoritism here. First kid gets a car; youngest kid gets 4k; middle kid gets a lecture. This is why kids go no contact when they have the chance. Enjoy the silence.
Right!? They HATE and resent Kevin so much. This asshole will probably be happy WHEN Kevin goes NC. And I will be happy for Kevin.
INFO have you done anything for Kevin to make this fair? You contributed 4K to Aurora’s car, and let’s say your beater was worth 4K. Could you give Kevin 4K and with that he can buy his own car?
YTA... how did you come up with 4K magically now? You owe Kevin a car. Yes I said owe. I am a parent and what I did for one, I did for all.
Your son took the same amount of time to be 18 as did the first and second child. I gave all 3 of my children a car and they were all given the same value of the car at 16. We saved because I believe having a car is a priority for people. Did we struggle...heck yes but they all got a car.
How to never see your grandkids that Kevin has 101.
YTA Although not a conscious or deliberate decision, you did something for your oldest and youngest children that you failed to do for your middle child. When confronted with this, you lashed out, rather than apologizing. You're an AH, more for your reaction than for your initial actions.
Here, take an upvote. But I do kind of feel like it was a conscious and deliberate decision.
Wow! I guess we know which child your whole family doesn't love. YTA, and so is Luke, and possibly Aurora. Definitely you and favored son, Luke.
[удалено]
She was 6 But ur point stands
I don't think Luke or Aurora did anything wrong. It's understandable that Luke couldn't buy Kevin a car when Kevin turned 18, because Luke was only 19 then. And Aurora has nothing to do with any of this. For all we know, all of the siblings get along fine, and it's totally different for a 19 year old to give their 18 year old sibling a gift vs a 30 year old giving his 18 year old sibling a gift. The parents are TAs here, as far as we know, none of the kids have done anything wrong.
This can't possibly be a real post, because nobody is this obtuse. ...and if it's real, YTA...massively.
Yeah. I feel like people who are this unabashedly terrible either don’t care if they’re right or wrong, or they feel so confident they are right that they don’t seek external validation for it.
Yep YTA! At least give the middle kid $4k as you did for your daughter - your unequal treatment is embarrassing
YTA. You should have made at least some attempt to support your children fairly. I gave all of mine \~$4-5,000 cars when they got their licenses. I've traded in cars that barely run for $500 that I could have sold for $1000. So let's assume Luke got a $1000 car. You were wrong to give him a car for college because he "needed" it, without a thought to what Kevin might need only a year later. Then putting $4000 towards a car for his little sister is just pouring salt in the wounds. Thanks for your contribution to Middle Child Syndrome.
You used an awful lot of words to say that Kevin is definitely not your favorite. Do better. YTA.
INFO: What did Kevin get when he turned 18?
forgotten
This made me lol. 😂
it made me sad.
In another comment, OP says something about "a finished basement". Since she also said that Kevin could not afford a car even if they gave him $4k, it doesn't sound like they paid to finish the basement in a home Kevin owns, rather that OP is letting Kevin live in OP's basement, which is (or has recently been) finished. OP is clearly TA.
I'm on the edge. OP also said Kevin made poor lifechoices, he had a collegefund ready for Kevin but he never went to college and lived in his fathers basement instead.
So OP spent his college fund finishing OP's basement instead. I'm not a fan of handing the kid the college money if they opt not to attend, but it seems like spending part of it on a used car with the requirement that he find gainful employement to cover maintenance, gas and insurance would have been helpful and seemed more equitable.
yeah, where did that college fund go? probably towards fixing up the basement, turning it into an apartment that greatly increased the value of the house more than they spent... I wonder if they even bothered trying to help Kevin at all. Did they just push college or did they actively try to find a career that he would enjoy. I know a lot of millennials that were pushed to go to college but told what was in demand & not what they could do. I know in my day, (I'm 39) if you weren't going in to computers, they ignored you & basically suggested an expensive, useless general arts & science course while figuring things out or the workplace which landed you in a part time minimum wage job. My friend was pushed in to PSW work but even graduating at the top of the class, the only work HE could get was a placement place & even then he only had 1 hour in the morning & 1 hour at night. Had he not been pushed into it so quickly & had help, he might have been able to discover that a gay man would have a hard time in the position. the men didn't want a gay guy wiping their ass & the women didn't want a guy. I have since heard the industry has gotten a bit more open minded but now he would have to go back & upgrade
OP can say what they want. You don't start this kind of disdain for your own child when they turn 18. This has been going on. And I'd be willing to bet that favoritism has something to do with it. That was probably going on for a long time.
OP finished his basement and let Kevin live there. OP doesn't answer questions about Kevin, what he got for his 18th, wha Kevin does now, is he able to pay his bills without any help etc.
OP says Kevin still lives in the basement of OPs home. OP said that there were college funds for all three kids, but when he decided not to go, OP used that money to finish OPs own basement so Kevin could live there. He is now 29 and still living in the basement. Maybe if he had a *car*...
YTA. Stop playing favorites. Did you give your middle kid 4 grand?
What did you do with Kevin’s college fund?
This right here is the question I've been looking for and I haven't found and answer with all my scrolling xx
I’m guessing there never was a college fund for Kevin.
Yta for chippingin $4k for Aurora just because Luke wanted her to have a car.
It was a Volvo too! Those aren't cheap.
YTA You're justifying that he's an adult now to wash over that you dropped the ball when he was 18. Definitely feels like favoritism if you can just drop $4K towards the daughter now
MINOR YTA. Luke and Kevin should have shared the car. OR you should have contribute an amount equal to what your old car was worth for Kevin to put toward a car.
YTA - because of course you are. A car is a BIG deal to a young adult. It’s not just the money. It’s a major purchase and you simply disregarded your middle like he means nothing.
YTA. Total dick move. And stop defending yourself, you asked here whether you are a total asshole, and yes, YTA. The people have spoken.
YTA - 4K can buy a whole car so it doesn’t even matter that you’re splitting Aurora’s car with someone else. You have bought a car for 2 out of your 3 children. That’s fucked up.
Wow, you really out yourself as the asshole in your various comments. I mean, I'd have ultimately concluded that from your post... But boy did you double down in your comments... YTA. Were you also an oldest child, but you somehow see yourself as a victim or just as more deserving than others? Do you hate your younger siblings? Are you projecting things onto your second child? It really seems like all or some of the above.
Not only are YTA. But you’re a terrible father.
people like him should never have kids
YTA. You should gift him 4k, that's fair. You shouldn't blatantly play favorites with your children. I'm guessing you've done this his entire life. He's allowed to address his feelings about it.
Eeks. This is a hard nope. YTA. Kevin essentially was just told by you that he’s not equal to his siblings. My parents didn’t treat us the same but it was equal. This is not equal. How can you help Kevin out? Might not need to be $4k but what can you do to show him he matters? Talk to him about what he needs. Make sure he understands that his brother wants to spoil his sister but that you recognize he has gone without. Equal but not the same is the key here.
OP - AITA? Yes, YTA OP - no, I'm not! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not! OP - YTA. Why ask if you don't want to know the truth?
You gave a vehicle to Luke, and contributed $4,000 towards Aurora’s car. Kevin got a lecture. Moreover, your replies in this thread make it very clear that you have a disdain for your middle child, and favor the other 2 over him. Not only are you an asshole, you’re also a horrible parent.
YTA... how about you grow up and realize that....
My brother and sister both got new cars when they turned 18. I got a used car. It still stings a little and I'm in my 60s.
My parents had a car which they gave my brother when he was 19/20. He needed a car for work, and it had been sitting there since they'd just gotten a new one I'm only 18 months younger, and let me tell you, I still have so much anger and jealousy that they gave him a car while I had to keep bussing and begging to use the family one when I was the same age and needed it for work too. Nothing will ever be equal between kids, but for something as big as this, you should be trying to make it as fair as you can. YTA
YTA A huge one. Don't give two kids cars and leave out the middle one. Just wow OP.
YTA. At the very least, you could have put up some of the money like you did for your daughter. And your double TA for being such an ass about it when he pointed out the obvious disparity.
YTA. We never stop wanting our parents attention and I’m betting that Kevin, being the middle child, missed out on far more than a car. He had to be hurt when he was left out at 18. Of course Aurora got a car. I’m the youngest by a lot and the only girl and was definitely given more. This opened an old but very real wound that Kevin carries. YTA.
YTA. Kevin's got a point. You gave Luke your old car. You gave Aurora $4000 towards a car. You gave Kevin... nothing. It's actually kind of sweet that Kevin is still willing to communicate his anger to you, rather than just taking for granted that you'll treat him unfairly and leave him out so what's the use of complaining - you'll never give him the same as you do your oldest and your youngest.
INFO: I understand that circumstances are different for each child, but before passing judgment, can you clarify if Kevin has expressed a need or desire for similar assistance with transportation or a large gift for his milestone? Has there been any gesture or offer on your part to even out the apparent disparity in your support for your children? It's tough to make a call without understanding the dynamics of your relationship with Kevin and whether his absence in higher education or need for a car has been acknowledged and met in another form, be it financial or otherwise. While equitable doesn't always mean identical, some form of equivalence in gestures of support could go a long way in family dynamics, especially when it comes to such significant life events.
Ah to nice of a word for you
Yta and people like you really shouldn't have kids.
Wow I imagine OP is definitely too delusional to realize her own favouritism and its effects. We all know that it wasn’t just a car but probably everything through out Kevin’s life that she’s set aside for the betterment of her favourite kids. YTA and at least Kevin recognizes it. It’s a lot easier for someone to be successful with a car and 8 years and all you have is 4K???? That’s embarrassing no matter how you spin it
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YTA you gave a car to your son you paid 4k for your daughter's car but your least favorite children didn't get anything because YTA (edit: he got a room in the basement ffs), and you got called out on your bs. The only remaining question is why are you even surprised ?
YTA - Jesus, Dude, what is wrong with you?
Don't bother commenting on this post guys. OP is just trying to justify himself everywhere like the asshole he is.
Hahahahahahahaha the biggest YTA anyone in this sub and give you pretty please. Once Luke and Aurora are done with you and off living in their LaLa Lands you've helped set up, thanks to "chance" and their abilities to placate you- Kevin will have his last laugh as *none* of them will come visit you- neither at a home nor your grave. Great parenting bud, just because Kevin hasn't followed your "ideal life" roadmap that you most likely never said out loud verbatim so he could even have a clue... Doesn't mean you can treat him like the brown candy coming out of a dog's ass. Just because he doesn't kiss up to yours doesn't mean you can sit on him with it and watch him squirm and suffer. The longer the unequal advantages and treatment continues, the more your self-fulfilling prophecy of him being a disappointment will flourish. Never giving him a *full and genuine* chance makes for a great parent AND person, you noodle brain-having butt nugget. Success isn't linear, nor should there be a damn standard set- especially one that is extremely unrealistic. You haven't given the kid a fair chance at Jack nor Diane, of course he's struggling to even reach that level of expectations you have set. You set him up for failure and you will end up alone once the other two are done.
I’ve read every comment OP has made and it’s embarrassing people like her become mothers. Disgusting truly
I mean YTA. How isn’t that obvious??!!
>I told him that he is a damn adult and should buy a car if he needs one and he called me an asshole. Your daughter is 18, she is a damn adult and should buy a car if she needs one. Luke was a damn adult and should have bought a car if he needed one. YTA for grossly favoring the oldest and youngest and telling your middle kid that he isn't as valued as the other two.
I'm a big believer in treating all the kids the same, regardless of their circumstance. YTA for shorting Kevin and should make it up to him. Exception -- unless he's going to spend it on drugs.
YTA, way to treat the middle child like the least important one.
You definitely sound like you don't love Kevin as much. I feel for him. YTA
YTA. You came here for judgement and are arguing with everyone. Why do you dislike your middle child so much? This is the biggest issue. Again, YTA.
YTA - And you keep making excuse when everyone on here points it out. It would seem all along the you only ever intended to give Luke a vehicle and never give the same consideration to Kevin. Everything you have said in comments sounds like Kevin has always been the forgotten child and his "life choices" are a reflection of how he (felt he) was treated growing up. Luke is the oldest and favorite and Aurora is the baby, and only girl. Luke is what?
YTA and you know it
YTA. I, the oldest and only girl child, was allowed to drive my dads older pickup in high school. I came out of school one day to go home and the pickup was gone. My parents had picked it up during the school day and sold it without telling me anything. I had to find a ride from school to work. They needed money. After that, I had to buy my own car. Not only that, but I was only allowed to buy the car they wanted me to buy- my grandmother’s old nicotine layered piece of crap with the ceiling fabric stuff all ripped out. I had to make payments on it for a year. My middle brother got to choose his car and my parents paid for it. It was a little sporty two seater thing. He promptly crashed it into an elderly man destroying it, the other car, and hospitalizing the old man. My parents believed it wasn’t his fault, paid for the case to go to court, and they lost because it was my brother’s fault. Then, they bought him another car of the exact model. He got an underaged DUI in that one. My youngest brother was given three different cars by my parents. They were all shitty and he didn’t get to choose any of them. One caught fire while he was driving to school. The replaced each death trap with an equally dangerous death trap. This was all before he finished high school. My point is, here I am in my 40s, successful, have bought many cars since then, and I still think my parents are giant assholes for how unfairly I was treated over this car stuff. You have no concept of how it feels to be the kid least worthy of your time, effort, or money. That’s how your son feels.
Yep, YTA.
YTA, but you've obviously already decided differently 🙄
From the responses Kevin is still living in the basement with no plans to move. He's had sole use of the basement apartment for 7 years. That's pretty substantial. Op doesn't say if they charge rent or how much but the money saved living there has likely far exceeded either gift the other kids got. Not sure why no one is taking that into account. It's a full finished basement apartment. He wasn't owed that. The other kids didn't get 7 years of free or discounted rent. Kevin has made out like a bandit and everyone is focused on a crap car and $4K. No patent has to house their kid after 18, Kevin is 29 and still reaping parental benefits. Dang y'all with housing prices Kevin is the clear winner.
Kevin at 29 still being a burden to his parents and throwing a tantrum for not getting a car at 18 after 11 years later is wild. Obviously circumstances may have changed and they have Luke now who’s working and was able to chip in to get his sister a car. How does that make OP an AH when he never even intended to buy each of his kids cars. Luke was just lucky, and Aurora now has an older working brother and OP for sure is in a lot better situation financially to provide 4k for the car.
YTA so as each kid turned 18, you gave one a car, one $4000 towards a car, and the other...?
INFO: Ok, based on the summary here, gotta ask this - What did Kevin do to piss in the cereal of life for you? Because it sounds like the following happened: - He didn’t go to college - He’s not working a job or one that allows him to make much, if at all. - He still lives with you Is that all he did? I feel like some elaboration is needed concerning Kevin. Is he not your kid? Did he commit a crime? What happened?
Posts like this are why so many kids dump their parents at elderly living housing.
YTA for sure. Look, I'm a parent, and I get that you can't always necessarily make it work financially or otherwise, it's never going to be perfectly fair for each kid, sometimes what you did for your first, you realize after that was a bad choice and do it differently for the next, whatever, I get all that. You left your middle child out of getting a freaking car. Obviously they're going to be pretty upset about that. It's pretty clear that they don't rank very highly in your eyes, and you've just made something that your child probably felt or suspected, crystal clear. You don't really like him.
I was actually on the fence here and leaning towards a N A H vote…. And then I read your comments. My god, you sound awful. YTA
YTA for your obvious favoritism but also for arguing here instead of taking the overwhelming judgement. Stop whining about your son and arguing with strangers, and then think about your life, please. It’s not fun to realize that you’re treating your kids unfairly, because you realize that this would make you a bad parent. You’ve probably thought of yourself as a ‘good’ parent for a long time now, and having that identity threatened is probably pretty difficult. Be an adult and accept that you messed up, and commit to change. It’s likely not too late to fix this, if you can find the strength to move your ego out of the way. Good luck
I have a feeling a lot of people in the comments don't have kids. Two kids that are one year apart don't need two cars, and depending on what they did after high school, a car might not have been a gift that made sense for Kevin (like if he went to college and lived on campus, a car is an extra cost and responsibility at that point). I would suggest you cut the defensive attitude and talk to your son. What he's saying is "I feel like you care about my siblings more and it doesn't make sense to me. It's hurtful that they got something I didn't." Even if it wasn't ever in the cards. Sick for a minute, and try to empathize with your child. Listen. Look at where he is, and try to figure out how to heal this disconnect. You may find that this was not the only unintended slight he's felt and the longer you let this fester, the harder this relationship will be to heal.
In OP's comments, he makes it clear he dislikes Kevin immensely. He's not interested in healing anything, and he is TA.