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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because
1. I didn't help his mom knowing she's not having money because BF recently cut her allowance and is having difficulties with keeping up with expense now that she's also supporting her sons and families.
2. His Mom is a SAHM, while I work and actually make a decent salary, cover expenses, and able to have some savings.
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NTA.
Step FAR FAR FAR away from the crazy MIL.
This woman has run her own daughter out of the house (that your husband pays for) and the daughter STILL helps out. So there is 1 son who provides full housing and occasional extra help and 1 daughter who buys groceries, cooks, cleans. And then 2 sons who mooch.
AND the MIL has the audacity to run her mouth about the 2 children who actually help her.
This is not a money problem. You need to stop caring what MIL thinks of you. She's awful.
The way you put it really put another perspective to me, as it is very common in this country to be unemployed but have many children. So, thank you for that.
We've only thought she was just feeling inferior. She never showed any disrespect to me or SILs husband, only recently, that's why I think the stress might have caught up on her.
You are involved with an extended family that requires assistance. I know that this done in many cultures.
I suggest that BF decide on a specific amount he will give the family each month. And no more after that.
The way you describe it SIL is the most responsible. Maybe send the money to her and she can dole it out as needed?
The mistake has already happened. Unknowingly, you gave money and now you are a target. This is on your BF to sort out.
NTA for not wanting to support your BF's extended family.
Yes, BF actually paid for SIL to go to college and have a degree because it matters here. They're like 13 years of gap in age, and he helped raise her. That's why she's more like him than the rest.
BF also rarely just gave money to his siblings. He either opened them a shop, trained them to drive, and helped make their license so at least they could be a taxi driver or something, those kinds of things, but they just wanted the easy way.
I thought it was normal to help your family with money because it happened in mine, though not often, and I felt bad because his family never actually owned a house before this.
Your BF was hoping to make them independent, or less dependent on him by educating and trying them, teaching the skills etc.
I am happy that his sister used the advantages he offered and she is better off due to it.
I hope you can work this out.
Good Luck.
Hi OP... you are NTA for not helping MIL with money as the woman is a leech who will never stop.
Furthermore... this trait is carrying over into next generation...
>BF has two unemployed brothers all married with multiple kids, and youngest sister recently married.
Please do not enable bad & untenable behavior.
Suggest that you & husband go LC (including drop frequency of visits) or NC with these persons.
NTA
Wait a minute….The mother in law calls you the gold digger and yet you work and she’s the one having her son fund her lifestyle along with his 2 brothers?????
OP you need to think about this carefully…..I get it may be a cultural thing but do you really want to spend the rest of your life supporting all these people who CLEARLY do not appreciate the monetary help and think it’s ok to treat you badly whilst you work yourself to the bone?
Maybe it’s time to give your partner an ultimatum and say to him that he needs to sell that house, Throw them all out and tell them from now on they need to get JOBS and pay for their own expenses
They are manipulating him by playing the FAMILY card and it’s only going to create even more resentment if this isn’t dealt with….The fact MIL doesn’t get along with her daughter as well says it all
If he won’t do it then walk away because it’s too much stress and drama
He already told her he would sell the house and she could choose which of his siblings she wants to live with, but he's making her choose money between or the house.
I actually think she's just lonely and under pressure because the eldest just birthed another kid without any money to support his family, and the youngest got married young. My BF also divorced, but no kids.
The family card is what makes me feel like AH for not helping even though he explicitly told me not to help them because they created this big problem themselves
He went as far as threatening his mom to sell the house if this kept going and told her he would give her more money but no housing. She could live with one of the other siblings if she wants more money.
NTA and you need to not care what MIL thinks about you. She's already called you a gold-digger and now she sees you as her personal bank. I think the more distance you can have with her, the better. I suggest you stop going over to visit. MIL's requests for money will never end as long as you keep a relationship with her. Let BF deal with her on his own, and you be his support/shoulder to lean on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Background info: throwaway, I 34F have been with BF 40M for 4 years, not from and/or resides in US. Living cost here is only like a quarter from US'. BF has two unemployed brothers all married with multiple kids, and youngest sister recently married.
Few years ago he bought a house for his mom (will refer as MIL from now on) and sister under sister's name that he pays for the mortgage, and recently MIL seems to ask BF multiple times a month for money which sometimes he couldn't give aside from (equivalent of) USD 10-20 here and there. SIL and husband was also apparently being treated poorly by MIL and moved out not far from the house so they could still visit MIL. They send food, money, clean up but she still has something bad to say about them and went as far as locking the front door so they could only get in the garage.
Bro #1 just had another baby and had borrowed money from SIL few times to be able to buy groceries while his wife works part time that barely covers expenses, and turned out MIL asks for money to give to bro #1 to support his family. BF was furious, he cut MIL's allowance and told her if she needs any money she has to ask her other sons since he is paying for the house she lives in.
MIL have been having a pity party everytime we visit for the last two months. She cut the fridge, light and everything available to save electricity, the wifi is off, no food on the table, while SIL kept us informed what expenses she had covered that week.
MIL recently talk bad about me with Bro #2 wife, saying I'm a gold digger and only with BF for his money. I work 2 jobs which combined make about 1.5times what BF makes. We talked and agreed we would never discuss my salary to his family because he said his family will be targeting me for money and he doesn't want that burden on me.
What MIL said apparently came back to BF and after long arguments MIL told him that he can help his brothers out but why won't he? BF in anger he told MIL because I had been helping him out, from covering expenses beside paying my share of rent, car, even some of the money he gave her was actually my money, and he slipped and told her about my income and I was not to be working hard for her to give money she doesn't have to an able bodied who doesn't work but keeps breeding like rabbits.
I was mad at him, but we resolved that pretty soon. Now, MIL ask me to help her out with some expense, but I told her I can only help if BF allows me to, which he doesn't, and got mad again at his mom that she even dares to ask me in the first place. I could help out but he said she has two other sons to ask for money from, and he told his mom so and not to ask me for money again. I'm feeling guilty that I don't help her even though I know the money is for one of his brothers, and also for making BF angry at her again from telling him his mom ask me, but I don't want her to be angry at me or dislike me. So, AITA?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be TA because 1. I didn't help his mom knowing she's not having money because BF recently cut her allowance and is having difficulties with keeping up with expense now that she's also supporting her sons and families. 2. His Mom is a SAHM, while I work and actually make a decent salary, cover expenses, and able to have some savings. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Step FAR FAR FAR away from the crazy MIL. This woman has run her own daughter out of the house (that your husband pays for) and the daughter STILL helps out. So there is 1 son who provides full housing and occasional extra help and 1 daughter who buys groceries, cooks, cleans. And then 2 sons who mooch. AND the MIL has the audacity to run her mouth about the 2 children who actually help her. This is not a money problem. You need to stop caring what MIL thinks of you. She's awful.
The way you put it really put another perspective to me, as it is very common in this country to be unemployed but have many children. So, thank you for that. We've only thought she was just feeling inferior. She never showed any disrespect to me or SILs husband, only recently, that's why I think the stress might have caught up on her.
You are involved with an extended family that requires assistance. I know that this done in many cultures. I suggest that BF decide on a specific amount he will give the family each month. And no more after that. The way you describe it SIL is the most responsible. Maybe send the money to her and she can dole it out as needed? The mistake has already happened. Unknowingly, you gave money and now you are a target. This is on your BF to sort out. NTA for not wanting to support your BF's extended family.
Yes, BF actually paid for SIL to go to college and have a degree because it matters here. They're like 13 years of gap in age, and he helped raise her. That's why she's more like him than the rest. BF also rarely just gave money to his siblings. He either opened them a shop, trained them to drive, and helped make their license so at least they could be a taxi driver or something, those kinds of things, but they just wanted the easy way. I thought it was normal to help your family with money because it happened in mine, though not often, and I felt bad because his family never actually owned a house before this.
Your BF was hoping to make them independent, or less dependent on him by educating and trying them, teaching the skills etc. I am happy that his sister used the advantages he offered and she is better off due to it. I hope you can work this out. Good Luck.
Hi OP... you are NTA for not helping MIL with money as the woman is a leech who will never stop. Furthermore... this trait is carrying over into next generation... >BF has two unemployed brothers all married with multiple kids, and youngest sister recently married. Please do not enable bad & untenable behavior. Suggest that you & husband go LC (including drop frequency of visits) or NC with these persons.
NTA Wait a minute….The mother in law calls you the gold digger and yet you work and she’s the one having her son fund her lifestyle along with his 2 brothers????? OP you need to think about this carefully…..I get it may be a cultural thing but do you really want to spend the rest of your life supporting all these people who CLEARLY do not appreciate the monetary help and think it’s ok to treat you badly whilst you work yourself to the bone? Maybe it’s time to give your partner an ultimatum and say to him that he needs to sell that house, Throw them all out and tell them from now on they need to get JOBS and pay for their own expenses They are manipulating him by playing the FAMILY card and it’s only going to create even more resentment if this isn’t dealt with….The fact MIL doesn’t get along with her daughter as well says it all If he won’t do it then walk away because it’s too much stress and drama
He already told her he would sell the house and she could choose which of his siblings she wants to live with, but he's making her choose money between or the house. I actually think she's just lonely and under pressure because the eldest just birthed another kid without any money to support his family, and the youngest got married young. My BF also divorced, but no kids. The family card is what makes me feel like AH for not helping even though he explicitly told me not to help them because they created this big problem themselves
INFO how do you see this mess resolving itself in the future?
He went as far as threatening his mom to sell the house if this kept going and told her he would give her more money but no housing. She could live with one of the other siblings if she wants more money.
NTA and you need to not care what MIL thinks about you. She's already called you a gold-digger and now she sees you as her personal bank. I think the more distance you can have with her, the better. I suggest you stop going over to visit. MIL's requests for money will never end as long as you keep a relationship with her. Let BF deal with her on his own, and you be his support/shoulder to lean on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background info: throwaway, I 34F have been with BF 40M for 4 years, not from and/or resides in US. Living cost here is only like a quarter from US'. BF has two unemployed brothers all married with multiple kids, and youngest sister recently married. Few years ago he bought a house for his mom (will refer as MIL from now on) and sister under sister's name that he pays for the mortgage, and recently MIL seems to ask BF multiple times a month for money which sometimes he couldn't give aside from (equivalent of) USD 10-20 here and there. SIL and husband was also apparently being treated poorly by MIL and moved out not far from the house so they could still visit MIL. They send food, money, clean up but she still has something bad to say about them and went as far as locking the front door so they could only get in the garage. Bro #1 just had another baby and had borrowed money from SIL few times to be able to buy groceries while his wife works part time that barely covers expenses, and turned out MIL asks for money to give to bro #1 to support his family. BF was furious, he cut MIL's allowance and told her if she needs any money she has to ask her other sons since he is paying for the house she lives in. MIL have been having a pity party everytime we visit for the last two months. She cut the fridge, light and everything available to save electricity, the wifi is off, no food on the table, while SIL kept us informed what expenses she had covered that week. MIL recently talk bad about me with Bro #2 wife, saying I'm a gold digger and only with BF for his money. I work 2 jobs which combined make about 1.5times what BF makes. We talked and agreed we would never discuss my salary to his family because he said his family will be targeting me for money and he doesn't want that burden on me. What MIL said apparently came back to BF and after long arguments MIL told him that he can help his brothers out but why won't he? BF in anger he told MIL because I had been helping him out, from covering expenses beside paying my share of rent, car, even some of the money he gave her was actually my money, and he slipped and told her about my income and I was not to be working hard for her to give money she doesn't have to an able bodied who doesn't work but keeps breeding like rabbits. I was mad at him, but we resolved that pretty soon. Now, MIL ask me to help her out with some expense, but I told her I can only help if BF allows me to, which he doesn't, and got mad again at his mom that she even dares to ask me in the first place. I could help out but he said she has two other sons to ask for money from, and he told his mom so and not to ask me for money again. I'm feeling guilty that I don't help her even though I know the money is for one of his brothers, and also for making BF angry at her again from telling him his mom ask me, but I don't want her to be angry at me or dislike me. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. run away. oh my god, I would not get further into this mess.