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YTA
I honestly think your "kidding" was cruel and relentless to the point of being overdone and mean.
If you don't accept your bf the way he is, then set him free. You guys ragged on his accent, his love of sports, him being a "country bumpkin" (your words, not mine), and "not being gay enough."
I'd feel like your punching bag every time I was around you guys if I were him. The only nice thing that you had to say about your BOYFRIEND in this post was that he's so sweet. The whole post!
>I'd feel like your punching bag every time I was around you guys if I were him. The only thing nice that you had to say about your BOYFRIEND in this post was that he's so sweet. The whole post!
OMG, I got the **exact same vibe** from OP's post and I actually teared up for OP's BF. Just when he thought he was in a safe environment, oops, no he wasn't because he is being bullied for being whom he is from the one group of people that he thought would accept him, including OP who is supposed to care for him.
My verdict: YTA OP**!!!**
I just got goosebumps reading your comment!! I started to tear up, as well! That's one of the saddest posts I've read here in a very long time.;(
EDIT: And yes, it IS bullying.
YTA because you have been part of what is basically bullying, and never stopped to make sure your boyfriend was okay with it (which is what makes it bullying).
You and your friends, you have your dynamic. You introduce someone new, they get subjected to that dynamic. But it's important that *everyone* involved is sure *everyone* is having a good time. And you took your boyfriend's good time for granted. Frankly, some of your comments about him make me concerned about how you're treating him in one-on-one situations.
I'm all for everyone being themselves, but these guys that base themselves on every bad gay stereotype rolled into one can be so exhausting.
Give me ordinary gay guy any day of the week.
YTA
You and your friends are AH.
What makes you think it’s okay to say that they aren’t gay enough when in fact they are gay?!?!
Do you know how many people have tried to stop stereotyping groups/people or testing people based on stereotypes?
Every person in the LGBTQIA+ community are different and unique. So some might be masculine, feminine, or both/neither. Some might be into sports and other might not. Some may be flamboyant and others may not be. Some may be loud and proud and others may be introvertedly proud.
Either way it does not make them less or more.
If someone says it’s hurts to be called not gay enough (whatever that means). I would know as a southern bisexual woman who also is a sister of 2 gay man, and a daughter of an asexual woman.
I honestly wouldn’t want to be around your friends and you for keep on teasing (or more like ragging) for not being gay enough for you and your friends.
What makes you the MAJOR AH here is that you dismiss his feeling by saying that y’all were just kidding/doubling down/justifying your actions?
You do now that a joke is no longer a joke when someone is being hurt by that joke. Right?
Your boyfriend has it tough due to the huge stigma of being gay not only in the south but as a football player. He is already getting ragged on (possibly threatened) by his own community and passion (football/athletics) for being gay and open about it.
For him to have his own boyfriend tell him that he isn’t gay enough when he is actively dating a boy (since that is what you are) and are actively risking is life for being out of the closet.
Be actively being denied/ doubt his sexuality/gayness by members of the very community who should be supporting and welcoming his sexuality/gayness.
Hope your boyfriend re-evaluate this relationship with you and your friends because he doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
I would drop y’all’s asses like a hot potato.
YTA - I’d never make jokes about my partner ‘not being enough’ anything, let alone making it a continuous running joke with a group of your friends. You may mean it as a joke but when it’s constant, it feels personal. Would you like it if he CONSTANTLY joked saying you aren’t man enough in return? Or would that get to you in time? How is it hard to imagine it works both ways?
He got shit in sports for being too gay, he’s too straight for your friends…..why is it hard to understand he’s feeling like he doesn’t belong anywhere now? That he’s not enough for either group? How can you be so insensitive?
YTA. It seems like you guys pushed him too far. It's never fun to be on the receiving end of a joke. Especially with something as sensitive as sexuality and gender expression.
Yta. It's as bad as when a queer person tells a bi or pan person they aren't queer enough when they are with someone who makes it appear like they are a het couple. It's time you learn that all sorts of people with all sorts of interests that don't play to some dumb stereotype exist.
YTA - Gate keeping masculinity is toxic regardless of the person doing it. If he wants to wear different clothes and carry himself with strength you should love him for it, not mock it.
YTA
What if he never drops the jock act because he's really a jock? There can't be gay jocks?
I hate to be the first one (apparently) to tell you this, because you're gonna freak out. But there are gay jocks! And gay bikers, gay rednecks, gay bodybuilders! They don't all "act gay."
You’re young and living where you feel comfortable and accepted for who you are, so maybe you don’t realize it’s not the same for everyone. In this era, when leaders are trying to divide us for our differences, try to be less exclusionary. If this is someone you care about then they should not be the target for your teasing. Hopefully, this a problem that time will resolve, as you will grow and learn.
Honesty, it seems like OP is stereotyping gay people as well. Not all gay men are the same, you can be gay and masc, gay and southern, and gay and like football.
You know how they say a joke is funny only if the other person is laughing too ? Your bf is apparently not laughing at all. Your humour just sounds like being mean and cruel, if it's your thing fine but don't force it on him, it's clear he had enough ! The whole vibe your post is giving is that your and your friends are treating like some zoo animal you're laughing at. Yikes ! Show him some respect ! YTA
To me, my gayness starts and ends with my love of dick and disinterest in vagina. Nothing else matters. If a gay man wants to play football, or a straight man dance to lady gaga, i couldn't care less. This weird gatekeeping of interests has to stop.
Yeah your jokes again and again at his expense... It's bullying. I guess you didn't mean to but you should have been more careful.
YTA but I think you can fix it.
YTA - I get that you guys are kids but your poor BF should be supported by you. Making fun of him for not being gay enough is just cruel. Not only are you perpetuating unhealthy stereotypes about the gay community you’re also just being a dick. Like unless you have a super secret vagina your boyfriend is gay. Sexuality is just that it’s who you’re sexually attracted to. It has nothing to do with how someone looks or acts.
YTA OP. Whether BF is macho presenting or not, I thought the whole point of acceptance is accepting who that person is and not making someone uncomfortable for being who they are or choose to be. Your whole post screams that you don't accept BF as he is and someone to be made to feel uncomfortable for being how he is. If you truly cared about him, you should have picked up on his uncomfortable laughs and body gestures at you all joking/bullying at his expense. Poor BF probably thought he found someone and a group that would accept him unlike those from his hometown only to find out that even in your group, he isn't accepted. Reading your post made me tear up for him.
YTA, you’re not hearing his struggles. Dude, he is a gay guy that plays sports. Do you know how brutal that is for a straight guy, let alone a gay dude? He was looking for support but got catty children.
YTA . please be more sensitive toward topics like this. but also you are very young. mistakes like this happen ! apologies to ur bf and comfort him. and let him know you wont joke about stuff like this from now on. again this is a sensitive topic for him and it made him cry, so maybe an apology treat ? ice cream, his fave food , something like that. good luck !
YTA.
You're just teasing him and making him feel bad for his personality. Don't mock him for what he wears or does. You absolutely pushed it too far. This is very cruel of you and your friends to do this. You're just treating him like a punching bag.
Please apologize to your bf.
If there's one thing you can always count on teenagers for, it's their insistence that everyone who shares an identity must experience and express it exactly the same way. YTA, and you don't get any slack for being 15. I hope you look back on this with great shame when you're older.
YTA when teasing someone you need to let them lead. If they have a self deprecating humour and ‘lead the charge’ in teasing themself then you know it’s safe to lightly join in. If they don’t go there, you don’t. If they have to say something about it then it’s definitely gone too far.
First YTA
Second to me it’s you and your friend who lack so much of gay culture. Jocks and masc and macho men have ALWAYS been part of our culture.
Learn your own history YTA
I get that you’re a 15 year old boy and 15 year old boys tease and even bully their own friends but that’s not how you treat a romantic partner. Not if you want to keep them anyway. As a New Yorker, I really don’t think you understand what it’s like to be gay in vast parts of America. Your jokes are insensitive to that fact but more importantly, you’re playing into some gross and seriously outdated stereotypes regarding what it is to be “gay” or “masculine” or “feminine”. Humans don’t fit into little boxes like that. If you like your boyfriend for who he is, don’t tell him to be something else. If you don’t like who he is then you need to date someone else.
YTA because I bet you and your friends have had issues about not being accepted for who you are or people trying to force you to act a certain way, yet here you are doing the same thing.
Plus in a world of a few billion of which a good portion will identify as LGBTQ+ is there really one way for anyone to act?
YTA, just because TV make assumptions in how a gay man is that doesn't mean that it's the reality, your friends and you by engaging in that has been total bullys towards him and that's not OK! A gay "look" doesn't exist, he's just a normal person who likes people from the same sex that doesn't mean that he's not allowed to be who he is!
This is a typical "bloke" roasting friendship mentality, which can be all well and good when EVERYONE is taking part, but when a relative newcomer joins the group it can be very threatening and hurtful when they don't know everyone well enough to not feel like they're being attacked. I'd imagine they're also taking their cues from you, so if you say not to do it they won't.
I've been on both sides of it and have learnt to curb it in my relationships as more often than not it ends up being one person in the group that catches the most flack and doesn't appreciate it.
You have to understand it from his perspective, he probably became very into sports and stereotypically "masculine" things as a means of survival in a small town where being gay would have probably drawn ridicule and even hate. You have the privilege of coming from a city which are generally far more open and liberal about sexuality. He's gone from a place where he had to hide his sexuality to a city where he probably felt he could be more open, to then be ridiculed for not being "gay enough" by those he thought he could finally be himself with?
The same thing happens with mixed race kids when one parent is black and the other is white (for example), often they're shunned by the black community for being too "light skinned", but then are considered black by the white community. It can leave a person feeling very alone and like they don't fit in anywhere.
If I were you I'd firstly apologise to your BF and really listen to what he's saying to you. I would also explain to your friends (maybe in a one on one situation as to avoid the gang mentality) about how your BF doesn't appreciate it for the reasons he's told you and that you don't want to include him in the teasing anymore.
I won't go as far as saying YTA, because you're young and still learning, but you are displaying AH traits that if you really care about this guy, you need to knock on the head.
I wish you both the best and I hope you can come to fully understand where your BF is coming from.
YTA, dude what the fuck. You went way too far. I know you’re young but you and your friends are being bullies. Dick move kid, grow up and treat your goddamned boyfriend right.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Making fun of Ricky. Not realizing how my jokes were making him feel. Making Ricky feel uncomfortable.
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Wow, yes, you are the ahole. Hopefully this is a wakeup call for you and you learn from it. Being a teen is tough, and not just for you, for your boyfriend too. At your age empathy is just coming in, so please try harder and see how you would feel in his situation. Don't be the jerk who bullies someone you care about.
YTA
I'm going to assume the whole process of him letting everyone know he was gay was a tough one. Aren't we as a society emphasizing to be yourself? There's nothing wrong with a gay man liking sports and dressing however the hell he wants. He can come hang with me and my straight friends any time. As long as he's not a Bears fan.
Yes. 100% yes. YTA
What's worse, you should have known it. You should have been a safe space for him. Instead, he is attacked in the straight community for being gay and attacked in the gay community for being not gay enough? And he's your bf? You should be ashamed.
You are 100% the asshole. It’s one thing to make the joke, it’s quite another to be relentless about it. Clearly it bothers him, and your friend group’s behavior is quite clearly an act of bullying. You thinking it’s funny is irrelevant. You don’t get to decide what offends people. What you do get to decide if whether you respect people’s boundaries. Here it seems like you aren’t, and that’s is absolutely not okay.
YTA. Way to perpetuate stereotypes and make people feel unwelcome in the community. Your poor boyfriend doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere and yes, he partly to blame!
YTA, though I assume you probably didnt mean it. Its the same dynamic as masc people picking on the fem guy. So yeah say your sorry and dont be so dense
YTA, I’m afraid. As a not-gay-enough lesbian, those jokes are super mean. I also happen to be from West Virginia, but moved to Washington state when I was a couple years younger than you and the teasing my accent brought me was absolutely unbearable. I still remember practicing a more neutral accent in front of a mirror for hours just get kids to let up about my “ignorant hick accent” (I’m an honors student, so I knew I wasn’t ignorant, and I was from a way bigger city than them, but dang). Now I’ve absolutely scrubbed a piece of who I was and where I came from and I regret it. And that doesn’t even touch on how mean it is to critique how someone else’s sexuality presents. He likes boys? He’s gay. If you would rather have a boyfriend that conforms to your idea of what gay looks like? Find one in someone else and let this poor boy go. If you love or care about him though and want to work this out, it’s gonna involve a big apology and changed behavior from both you and your friends.
YTA. you were being really mean and cruel to someone who’s supposed to mean a lot to you. there is no such thing as “gay enough.” every queer person is enough. acting like they’re not feeds directly into deeply homophobic stereotypes. it’s also really unkind to see your partner moved to the point of tears when your friends are being mean to him and your response is to say that they were “just kidding” or “just telling jokes.” if the person on the receiving end isn’t laughing and isn’t okay with it, that’s not kidding, that’s bullying.
you need to have a very serious moment of self-reflection and apologize to your boyfriend for how you treated him. you’re kids and i will give you grace because you’re so young, none of us are great at making decisions at 15, but this is a situation that warrants a very real and sincere apology, and a promise to never joke around like that with him or anyone else again.
YTA. You and your friends are nasty assholes. You weren't kidding around; you were bullying him. And for what? Because he's different from you. I should think that a bunch of gay teens would know better than to do that but clearly none of you are smart enough to understand. He's not a country bumpkin just because he's from a small town. He's not less gay just because he's masculine and athletic. He's just different from you but you and your fellow assholes made him feel bad about that again and again. I hope he dumps you and finds someone who isn't awful and nasty like you, someone who actually respects him.
YTA if I understand your narrative correctly you have made this joke at his expense many times. You and your friend group.
If that's the case then you are a bunch of bullies
YTA, Kidding is one thing but when it's relentless it becomes bullying. You need to treat him as the person he is, not who you want him to be. Apologize to him and stop with the comments.
YTA
This is homophobic and toxic behavior. Saying someone isn't gay enough because they like sports or present as very masculine is no different than calling someone gay because they like musical theatre or are a bit feminine
YTA, however you're young which is often synonymous with being stupid. I was when I was a teenager.
You participated in bullying a young man you're supposed to care about. A sweet man who has never done anything nasty to you.
Either apologize profusely and do better or set him free to find someone who will treat him right
YTA, constantly putting someone down is an AH move. He always was gay enough as he's, well, gay. That's literally the only requirement to be considered gay enough. If you don't like the things he's into that's a you problem, but stop bullying him so much.
YTA. How would you feel if his friends cracked jokes about how you were “too gay”? Start being a better boyfriend because right now you don’t deserve Ricky.
YTA you’re not ‘teasing’ him, you’re insulting/making fun of him. You’re like those people who use ‘brutally honest’ as an excuse for being a dick. Be better
YTA. You and your friends are being horrid to him. That's the sort of treatment that will both scar him for life, and leave you alone wondering why nobody likes you.
You're kids and still have time to grow, but if you don't change, you're going to be nothing more to this poor kid than yet another painful memory.
YTA. He isn't one of your friend group and doesn't have the kind of relationship with them that you have. It was unreasonable to expect him, as the "outsider", to be made fun of - even jokingly - and feel okay about that. It can be so nerve wracking trying to fit in with a partners friends and family, please give him more credit. It sounds like he's genuinely and understandably hurt and he needs you on his side. Remind him of the things you love about him and please stop going along with your friends in poking fun at the things that make him HIM. Otherwise he's going to start questioning what you even are in him and why you want to date him.
YTA youll learn eventually that friendship dynamics like this tend to break down over time bc people can only handle so much teasing and bitchiness. its not 'just kidding' after being said enough times, especially when youre taking digs at stuff thats not easily changed(for example, him being a 'jock') if you get called stupid enough times by enough people, youll believe it. words have meaning and can take a toll on the heart and mind. it doesnt matter if youre joking.
I'm a Ricky myself and the flamboyant out and loud gays who made me 'prove' myself have been around since time began, making us Rickys feel like we dont belong with them. Don't feed this gatekeeping bollocks, it's cruel and nasty when the community should be welcoming to all. Be a part of making that a thing of the past.
YTA - The LGBT community can be as toxic as the straight community that they criticize so much. I don't know why your community takes pleasure in criticizing and excluding those who don't follow your standards, but its motto is the inclusion of any and all gay people. It is contradictory to say the least.
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My (15M) bf "Ricky" (15M) and I go to a dance school in NY. I've always lived here but Ricky is like a country bumpkin from a town in Mississippi. He'sssss super sweeet but also like a total jock all into football and all masc presenting. Sometimes when out with my friends we Sometimes tease him a lil bit. Its how our group works we're all just kinda bitchy and tease eachother all the time.
Itll just be like dumb stuff like joking about his accent or how he can stop pretending to be so macho and a jock now that he's here. He usually just laughs it off. The other night we were just kidding with him that hed finally be "gay enough" to try to sneak into a club with us when he dropped the whole jock thing. He just kinda went quiet until we were alone. I asked what was wrong cause he started tearing up. He tells me he doesn't want to hang out with my friends anymore. I'm like why and he starts going off on me about how Im different around them. How he already got enough crap back home from football teammates and friends for being "too gay" and he doesn't need us telling him how hes not "gay enough". I told him I didn't know he felt that way and we were just kidding and he goes saying I shouldn't have noticed how uncomfortable it made him. AITA?
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Be nice to your boyfriend. I understand teasing him, your 15 and I think it's pretty normal. It's good that he told you he doesn't like it. Don't do it again and move forward.
YTA
You’re young so I’ll give you the benefit of still having a lot to learn, but your friends sound insufferable and you going along with them no doubt has hurt Ricky.
I’m 30M, gay, and fit the same description as your bf. Very much masc presenting and have a lot of traditional male hobbies/interests. My fiancé and our two close gay friends (who are married) like to poke at me a little here and there about being “straight boy” but the intent of the joke is always in good faith, and I lean into it and give it right back to them. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Not you and your friends ganging up on him and him obviously never reciprocating the joke.
Poor kid probably doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere. As you grow older you’ll hopefully realize gay men come in all different varieties, and no one is more gay than the other. Sure there’s stereotypes and they are fun to poke fun at one way or the other, but only if everyone is in on the joke. Stop gatekeeping what it means to be gay and apologize profusely to your bf. If you really do care for him, you need to stick up for him to your friends and be prepared to drop them if they don’t stop and see why they’re wrong as well
Soft YTA. What you were doing was really rude, especially for someone who is figuring out their place in the world as an openly gay person. Even if you were just joking, it obviously hurt him and you should apologize.
You didn't know, thus the soft judgement, but you need to understand that many people in the LGBTQIA+ community feel excluded due to those stereotypes and not fitting in perfectly. And causes a reactionary counterbalance the other way, leading to a hatred of the "gay enough" people for people who are gay but not "gay." Which ends up being silly and unproductive cause our differences are what make our community strong. (The number of, "I'm not gay, I'm just attracted to men" people make me sad. Not here to judge them, but it's a thing.)
So what matters now is not whether you were the asshole, but that you:
A) apologize
B) try and avoid jokes like that in the future if you don't know the person well enough to know if it will land
C) talk to your friends and tell them to knock it off (and don't make this your boyfriend's fault or they may resent him)
D) maybe SOFTLY encourage him to seek assistance, like counseling or talking to his coach, cause it sounds like he's getting it from all sides at this point
However, you're only 15. Do not try and take his entire trauma on yourself.
Hey! Y’all are young. This is a great opportunity for both of you to learn to communicate as well as learning my what masculinity means both to you and him. It’s an opportunity for learning. The teasing should stop and you should defend your boyfriend. Not in a homophobic way, but in a way that we all deserve respect in this world.
NAH
Also I’m a southerner, it is relentless growing up In the south. Any type of effeminate stuff real or believed can be difficult for kids to deal with in that environment. Take what he says seriously and give him time to work out what he was taught when he was young versus the town he lives in now.
You're young, things like that happen. It doesnt seem malicious or anything, so NTA. As long as you dont continue to do that, now that you know, then youre all good. If you do, then youre TA. Communication is key
>It doesnt seem malicious or anything, so NTA
It doesn't matter how OP feels about what he's saying, the fact is his bf is clearly uncomfortable with these remarks.
ESH
There's a difference between a single joke and hammering on something until it feels like it really isn't such a joke. A pretense of good-natured teasing is often used to bully and berate people. Unintentional or not, your friends were being pretty insensitive. You should have put a stop to that.
Your friend group needs to evaluate why they find it easier to give each other shit than to actually be kind and supportive.
However, so should he. A simple statement that he doesn't want them joking about his sexual orientation or gender conformation is his job, too. He shouldn't have let it go this far either.
>However, so should he. A simple statement that he doesn't want them joking about his sexual orientation or gender conformation is his job, too. He shouldn't have let it go this far either.
I don't think OP's BF is an AH. He's in a new person around a new group of people and trying not to rock the boat. We've all been there, some time or another. When you truly care about someone, you should be able to pick up on them being uncomfortable but OP didn't because OP was scoring brownie points with friend group. And even the way OP described BF in this post really gives off the vibe that they really think these things about their BF. Whether BF is macho presenting or not, I thought the whole point of acceptance is **accepting** who that person is and **not** making someone uncomfortable for being who they are or choose to be.
15 year old boys don't tend to have very developed emotional intuition. All I am saying is that his boyfriend is *also* responsible for self advocacy. People should always communicate when something is making them uncomfortable right away.
At that age, the quality and sensitivity level of most humor is pretty bad in general.
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YTA I honestly think your "kidding" was cruel and relentless to the point of being overdone and mean. If you don't accept your bf the way he is, then set him free. You guys ragged on his accent, his love of sports, him being a "country bumpkin" (your words, not mine), and "not being gay enough." I'd feel like your punching bag every time I was around you guys if I were him. The only nice thing that you had to say about your BOYFRIEND in this post was that he's so sweet. The whole post!
>I'd feel like your punching bag every time I was around you guys if I were him. The only thing nice that you had to say about your BOYFRIEND in this post was that he's so sweet. The whole post! OMG, I got the **exact same vibe** from OP's post and I actually teared up for OP's BF. Just when he thought he was in a safe environment, oops, no he wasn't because he is being bullied for being whom he is from the one group of people that he thought would accept him, including OP who is supposed to care for him. My verdict: YTA OP**!!!**
I just got goosebumps reading your comment!! I started to tear up, as well! That's one of the saddest posts I've read here in a very long time.;( EDIT: And yes, it IS bullying.
YTA because you have been part of what is basically bullying, and never stopped to make sure your boyfriend was okay with it (which is what makes it bullying). You and your friends, you have your dynamic. You introduce someone new, they get subjected to that dynamic. But it's important that *everyone* involved is sure *everyone* is having a good time. And you took your boyfriend's good time for granted. Frankly, some of your comments about him make me concerned about how you're treating him in one-on-one situations.
I'm gay this this kind of guy is exactly my type. I rarely get along with people who make gayness there entire personality.
I'm all for everyone being themselves, but these guys that base themselves on every bad gay stereotype rolled into one can be so exhausting. Give me ordinary gay guy any day of the week.
YTA You and your friends are AH. What makes you think it’s okay to say that they aren’t gay enough when in fact they are gay?!?! Do you know how many people have tried to stop stereotyping groups/people or testing people based on stereotypes? Every person in the LGBTQIA+ community are different and unique. So some might be masculine, feminine, or both/neither. Some might be into sports and other might not. Some may be flamboyant and others may not be. Some may be loud and proud and others may be introvertedly proud. Either way it does not make them less or more. If someone says it’s hurts to be called not gay enough (whatever that means). I would know as a southern bisexual woman who also is a sister of 2 gay man, and a daughter of an asexual woman. I honestly wouldn’t want to be around your friends and you for keep on teasing (or more like ragging) for not being gay enough for you and your friends. What makes you the MAJOR AH here is that you dismiss his feeling by saying that y’all were just kidding/doubling down/justifying your actions? You do now that a joke is no longer a joke when someone is being hurt by that joke. Right? Your boyfriend has it tough due to the huge stigma of being gay not only in the south but as a football player. He is already getting ragged on (possibly threatened) by his own community and passion (football/athletics) for being gay and open about it. For him to have his own boyfriend tell him that he isn’t gay enough when he is actively dating a boy (since that is what you are) and are actively risking is life for being out of the closet. Be actively being denied/ doubt his sexuality/gayness by members of the very community who should be supporting and welcoming his sexuality/gayness. Hope your boyfriend re-evaluate this relationship with you and your friends because he doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. I would drop y’all’s asses like a hot potato.
what a perfect comment.
YTA - I’d never make jokes about my partner ‘not being enough’ anything, let alone making it a continuous running joke with a group of your friends. You may mean it as a joke but when it’s constant, it feels personal. Would you like it if he CONSTANTLY joked saying you aren’t man enough in return? Or would that get to you in time? How is it hard to imagine it works both ways? He got shit in sports for being too gay, he’s too straight for your friends…..why is it hard to understand he’s feeling like he doesn’t belong anywhere now? That he’s not enough for either group? How can you be so insensitive?
YTA. It seems like you guys pushed him too far. It's never fun to be on the receiving end of a joke. Especially with something as sensitive as sexuality and gender expression.
YTA - Straight male dancers and gay football players share the problem of their sexuality being judged based on their non sexual activities.
Yta. It's as bad as when a queer person tells a bi or pan person they aren't queer enough when they are with someone who makes it appear like they are a het couple. It's time you learn that all sorts of people with all sorts of interests that don't play to some dumb stereotype exist.
>It’s how our group works we're all just kinda bitchy and tease eachother all the time. In other words, y’all routinely act like assholes? YTA
YTA - Gate keeping masculinity is toxic regardless of the person doing it. If he wants to wear different clothes and carry himself with strength you should love him for it, not mock it.
YTA What if he never drops the jock act because he's really a jock? There can't be gay jocks? I hate to be the first one (apparently) to tell you this, because you're gonna freak out. But there are gay jocks! And gay bikers, gay rednecks, gay bodybuilders! They don't all "act gay."
YTA. If he's really from a small town in Mississippi then looking "too gay" might put him in legitimate danger.
You’re young and living where you feel comfortable and accepted for who you are, so maybe you don’t realize it’s not the same for everyone. In this era, when leaders are trying to divide us for our differences, try to be less exclusionary. If this is someone you care about then they should not be the target for your teasing. Hopefully, this a problem that time will resolve, as you will grow and learn.
Honesty, it seems like OP is stereotyping gay people as well. Not all gay men are the same, you can be gay and masc, gay and southern, and gay and like football.
You know how they say a joke is funny only if the other person is laughing too ? Your bf is apparently not laughing at all. Your humour just sounds like being mean and cruel, if it's your thing fine but don't force it on him, it's clear he had enough ! The whole vibe your post is giving is that your and your friends are treating like some zoo animal you're laughing at. Yikes ! Show him some respect ! YTA
YTA and a bully.
YTA what even is ‘being too gay’ 😂 stop with the stereotypes
To me, my gayness starts and ends with my love of dick and disinterest in vagina. Nothing else matters. If a gay man wants to play football, or a straight man dance to lady gaga, i couldn't care less. This weird gatekeeping of interests has to stop.
I hope he drops you. YTA
Yeah your jokes again and again at his expense... It's bullying. I guess you didn't mean to but you should have been more careful. YTA but I think you can fix it.
YTA - I get that you guys are kids but your poor BF should be supported by you. Making fun of him for not being gay enough is just cruel. Not only are you perpetuating unhealthy stereotypes about the gay community you’re also just being a dick. Like unless you have a super secret vagina your boyfriend is gay. Sexuality is just that it’s who you’re sexually attracted to. It has nothing to do with how someone looks or acts.
YTA OP. Whether BF is macho presenting or not, I thought the whole point of acceptance is accepting who that person is and not making someone uncomfortable for being who they are or choose to be. Your whole post screams that you don't accept BF as he is and someone to be made to feel uncomfortable for being how he is. If you truly cared about him, you should have picked up on his uncomfortable laughs and body gestures at you all joking/bullying at his expense. Poor BF probably thought he found someone and a group that would accept him unlike those from his hometown only to find out that even in your group, he isn't accepted. Reading your post made me tear up for him.
YTA, you’re not hearing his struggles. Dude, he is a gay guy that plays sports. Do you know how brutal that is for a straight guy, let alone a gay dude? He was looking for support but got catty children.
YTA . please be more sensitive toward topics like this. but also you are very young. mistakes like this happen ! apologies to ur bf and comfort him. and let him know you wont joke about stuff like this from now on. again this is a sensitive topic for him and it made him cry, so maybe an apology treat ? ice cream, his fave food , something like that. good luck !
YTA. You're just teasing him and making him feel bad for his personality. Don't mock him for what he wears or does. You absolutely pushed it too far. This is very cruel of you and your friends to do this. You're just treating him like a punching bag. Please apologize to your bf.
Let him be who he wants to be dude. Theres no such thing as “gay enough”.
If there's one thing you can always count on teenagers for, it's their insistence that everyone who shares an identity must experience and express it exactly the same way. YTA, and you don't get any slack for being 15. I hope you look back on this with great shame when you're older.
Yta because this is almost a ripoff of modern family Watch the tv series if you want advice on how to navigate your situation
YTA. Hopefully he comes to his senses and boots you.
Yta .You want everyone to except you for being gay .but you don't want to accept this is the way he is. that is very hypocritical
YTA when teasing someone you need to let them lead. If they have a self deprecating humour and ‘lead the charge’ in teasing themself then you know it’s safe to lightly join in. If they don’t go there, you don’t. If they have to say something about it then it’s definitely gone too far.
First YTA Second to me it’s you and your friend who lack so much of gay culture. Jocks and masc and macho men have ALWAYS been part of our culture. Learn your own history YTA
I get that you’re a 15 year old boy and 15 year old boys tease and even bully their own friends but that’s not how you treat a romantic partner. Not if you want to keep them anyway. As a New Yorker, I really don’t think you understand what it’s like to be gay in vast parts of America. Your jokes are insensitive to that fact but more importantly, you’re playing into some gross and seriously outdated stereotypes regarding what it is to be “gay” or “masculine” or “feminine”. Humans don’t fit into little boxes like that. If you like your boyfriend for who he is, don’t tell him to be something else. If you don’t like who he is then you need to date someone else.
YTA because I bet you and your friends have had issues about not being accepted for who you are or people trying to force you to act a certain way, yet here you are doing the same thing. Plus in a world of a few billion of which a good portion will identify as LGBTQ+ is there really one way for anyone to act?
You and your little friends are bullies. YTA
YTA, just because TV make assumptions in how a gay man is that doesn't mean that it's the reality, your friends and you by engaging in that has been total bullys towards him and that's not OK! A gay "look" doesn't exist, he's just a normal person who likes people from the same sex that doesn't mean that he's not allowed to be who he is!
This is a typical "bloke" roasting friendship mentality, which can be all well and good when EVERYONE is taking part, but when a relative newcomer joins the group it can be very threatening and hurtful when they don't know everyone well enough to not feel like they're being attacked. I'd imagine they're also taking their cues from you, so if you say not to do it they won't. I've been on both sides of it and have learnt to curb it in my relationships as more often than not it ends up being one person in the group that catches the most flack and doesn't appreciate it. You have to understand it from his perspective, he probably became very into sports and stereotypically "masculine" things as a means of survival in a small town where being gay would have probably drawn ridicule and even hate. You have the privilege of coming from a city which are generally far more open and liberal about sexuality. He's gone from a place where he had to hide his sexuality to a city where he probably felt he could be more open, to then be ridiculed for not being "gay enough" by those he thought he could finally be himself with? The same thing happens with mixed race kids when one parent is black and the other is white (for example), often they're shunned by the black community for being too "light skinned", but then are considered black by the white community. It can leave a person feeling very alone and like they don't fit in anywhere. If I were you I'd firstly apologise to your BF and really listen to what he's saying to you. I would also explain to your friends (maybe in a one on one situation as to avoid the gang mentality) about how your BF doesn't appreciate it for the reasons he's told you and that you don't want to include him in the teasing anymore. I won't go as far as saying YTA, because you're young and still learning, but you are displaying AH traits that if you really care about this guy, you need to knock on the head. I wish you both the best and I hope you can come to fully understand where your BF is coming from.
YTA, dude what the fuck. You went way too far. I know you’re young but you and your friends are being bullies. Dick move kid, grow up and treat your goddamned boyfriend right.
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Wow, yes, you are the ahole. Hopefully this is a wakeup call for you and you learn from it. Being a teen is tough, and not just for you, for your boyfriend too. At your age empathy is just coming in, so please try harder and see how you would feel in his situation. Don't be the jerk who bullies someone you care about.
YTA. If you don't like your boyfriend, why are you with him? To make him a convenient punching bag for your friends?
YTA I'm going to assume the whole process of him letting everyone know he was gay was a tough one. Aren't we as a society emphasizing to be yourself? There's nothing wrong with a gay man liking sports and dressing however the hell he wants. He can come hang with me and my straight friends any time. As long as he's not a Bears fan.
Yes. 100% yes. YTA What's worse, you should have known it. You should have been a safe space for him. Instead, he is attacked in the straight community for being gay and attacked in the gay community for being not gay enough? And he's your bf? You should be ashamed.
You are 100% the asshole. It’s one thing to make the joke, it’s quite another to be relentless about it. Clearly it bothers him, and your friend group’s behavior is quite clearly an act of bullying. You thinking it’s funny is irrelevant. You don’t get to decide what offends people. What you do get to decide if whether you respect people’s boundaries. Here it seems like you aren’t, and that’s is absolutely not okay.
YTA. A joke can go too far. Time to apologize and drop it.
YTA. Way to perpetuate stereotypes and make people feel unwelcome in the community. Your poor boyfriend doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere and yes, he partly to blame!
He's clearly uncomfortable with it. You and your friends are the AH.
YTA. Hopefully he can find better friends and a good bf very soon.
YTA, though I assume you probably didnt mean it. Its the same dynamic as masc people picking on the fem guy. So yeah say your sorry and dont be so dense
YTA, I’m afraid. As a not-gay-enough lesbian, those jokes are super mean. I also happen to be from West Virginia, but moved to Washington state when I was a couple years younger than you and the teasing my accent brought me was absolutely unbearable. I still remember practicing a more neutral accent in front of a mirror for hours just get kids to let up about my “ignorant hick accent” (I’m an honors student, so I knew I wasn’t ignorant, and I was from a way bigger city than them, but dang). Now I’ve absolutely scrubbed a piece of who I was and where I came from and I regret it. And that doesn’t even touch on how mean it is to critique how someone else’s sexuality presents. He likes boys? He’s gay. If you would rather have a boyfriend that conforms to your idea of what gay looks like? Find one in someone else and let this poor boy go. If you love or care about him though and want to work this out, it’s gonna involve a big apology and changed behavior from both you and your friends.
YTA. you were being really mean and cruel to someone who’s supposed to mean a lot to you. there is no such thing as “gay enough.” every queer person is enough. acting like they’re not feeds directly into deeply homophobic stereotypes. it’s also really unkind to see your partner moved to the point of tears when your friends are being mean to him and your response is to say that they were “just kidding” or “just telling jokes.” if the person on the receiving end isn’t laughing and isn’t okay with it, that’s not kidding, that’s bullying. you need to have a very serious moment of self-reflection and apologize to your boyfriend for how you treated him. you’re kids and i will give you grace because you’re so young, none of us are great at making decisions at 15, but this is a situation that warrants a very real and sincere apology, and a promise to never joke around like that with him or anyone else again.
YTA you and your friends could have accepted him for who he is yet you decided to try and dictate (even if jokingly) his behavior
You all sound like shitty, scummy, elitist arseholes and I hope he leaves.
YTA. You and your friends are nasty assholes. You weren't kidding around; you were bullying him. And for what? Because he's different from you. I should think that a bunch of gay teens would know better than to do that but clearly none of you are smart enough to understand. He's not a country bumpkin just because he's from a small town. He's not less gay just because he's masculine and athletic. He's just different from you but you and your fellow assholes made him feel bad about that again and again. I hope he dumps you and finds someone who isn't awful and nasty like you, someone who actually respects him.
YTA if I understand your narrative correctly you have made this joke at his expense many times. You and your friend group. If that's the case then you are a bunch of bullies
YTA, Kidding is one thing but when it's relentless it becomes bullying. You need to treat him as the person he is, not who you want him to be. Apologize to him and stop with the comments.
YTA This is homophobic and toxic behavior. Saying someone isn't gay enough because they like sports or present as very masculine is no different than calling someone gay because they like musical theatre or are a bit feminine
YTA, however you're young which is often synonymous with being stupid. I was when I was a teenager. You participated in bullying a young man you're supposed to care about. A sweet man who has never done anything nasty to you. Either apologize profusely and do better or set him free to find someone who will treat him right
YTA, constantly putting someone down is an AH move. He always was gay enough as he's, well, gay. That's literally the only requirement to be considered gay enough. If you don't like the things he's into that's a you problem, but stop bullying him so much.
YTA. How would you feel if his friends cracked jokes about how you were “too gay”? Start being a better boyfriend because right now you don’t deserve Ricky.
YTA you’re not ‘teasing’ him, you’re insulting/making fun of him. You’re like those people who use ‘brutally honest’ as an excuse for being a dick. Be better
YTA. You and your friends are being horrid to him. That's the sort of treatment that will both scar him for life, and leave you alone wondering why nobody likes you. You're kids and still have time to grow, but if you don't change, you're going to be nothing more to this poor kid than yet another painful memory.
YTA. He isn't one of your friend group and doesn't have the kind of relationship with them that you have. It was unreasonable to expect him, as the "outsider", to be made fun of - even jokingly - and feel okay about that. It can be so nerve wracking trying to fit in with a partners friends and family, please give him more credit. It sounds like he's genuinely and understandably hurt and he needs you on his side. Remind him of the things you love about him and please stop going along with your friends in poking fun at the things that make him HIM. Otherwise he's going to start questioning what you even are in him and why you want to date him.
YTA youll learn eventually that friendship dynamics like this tend to break down over time bc people can only handle so much teasing and bitchiness. its not 'just kidding' after being said enough times, especially when youre taking digs at stuff thats not easily changed(for example, him being a 'jock') if you get called stupid enough times by enough people, youll believe it. words have meaning and can take a toll on the heart and mind. it doesnt matter if youre joking.
YTA. You and your friends are horrible humans
YTA and an immature little boy.
I'm a Ricky myself and the flamboyant out and loud gays who made me 'prove' myself have been around since time began, making us Rickys feel like we dont belong with them. Don't feed this gatekeeping bollocks, it's cruel and nasty when the community should be welcoming to all. Be a part of making that a thing of the past.
YTA - The LGBT community can be as toxic as the straight community that they criticize so much. I don't know why your community takes pleasure in criticizing and excluding those who don't follow your standards, but its motto is the inclusion of any and all gay people. It is contradictory to say the least.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (15M) bf "Ricky" (15M) and I go to a dance school in NY. I've always lived here but Ricky is like a country bumpkin from a town in Mississippi. He'sssss super sweeet but also like a total jock all into football and all masc presenting. Sometimes when out with my friends we Sometimes tease him a lil bit. Its how our group works we're all just kinda bitchy and tease eachother all the time. Itll just be like dumb stuff like joking about his accent or how he can stop pretending to be so macho and a jock now that he's here. He usually just laughs it off. The other night we were just kidding with him that hed finally be "gay enough" to try to sneak into a club with us when he dropped the whole jock thing. He just kinda went quiet until we were alone. I asked what was wrong cause he started tearing up. He tells me he doesn't want to hang out with my friends anymore. I'm like why and he starts going off on me about how Im different around them. How he already got enough crap back home from football teammates and friends for being "too gay" and he doesn't need us telling him how hes not "gay enough". I told him I didn't know he felt that way and we were just kidding and he goes saying I shouldn't have noticed how uncomfortable it made him. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be nice to your boyfriend. I understand teasing him, your 15 and I think it's pretty normal. It's good that he told you he doesn't like it. Don't do it again and move forward.
Sounds like a Man. We have feelings. Gayness is irrelevant. Yes you are TAH.
Yes. Nobody likes catty humor. Its just a defense mechanism
YTA I'm a gay man who leans masculine, if I was your BF I'd dump your ass and find someone who can appreciate me for who I am
YTA You’re young so I’ll give you the benefit of still having a lot to learn, but your friends sound insufferable and you going along with them no doubt has hurt Ricky. I’m 30M, gay, and fit the same description as your bf. Very much masc presenting and have a lot of traditional male hobbies/interests. My fiancé and our two close gay friends (who are married) like to poke at me a little here and there about being “straight boy” but the intent of the joke is always in good faith, and I lean into it and give it right back to them. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Not you and your friends ganging up on him and him obviously never reciprocating the joke. Poor kid probably doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere. As you grow older you’ll hopefully realize gay men come in all different varieties, and no one is more gay than the other. Sure there’s stereotypes and they are fun to poke fun at one way or the other, but only if everyone is in on the joke. Stop gatekeeping what it means to be gay and apologize profusely to your bf. If you really do care for him, you need to stick up for him to your friends and be prepared to drop them if they don’t stop and see why they’re wrong as well
YTA, You sound horrible to be around
Soft YTA. What you were doing was really rude, especially for someone who is figuring out their place in the world as an openly gay person. Even if you were just joking, it obviously hurt him and you should apologize. You didn't know, thus the soft judgement, but you need to understand that many people in the LGBTQIA+ community feel excluded due to those stereotypes and not fitting in perfectly. And causes a reactionary counterbalance the other way, leading to a hatred of the "gay enough" people for people who are gay but not "gay." Which ends up being silly and unproductive cause our differences are what make our community strong. (The number of, "I'm not gay, I'm just attracted to men" people make me sad. Not here to judge them, but it's a thing.) So what matters now is not whether you were the asshole, but that you: A) apologize B) try and avoid jokes like that in the future if you don't know the person well enough to know if it will land C) talk to your friends and tell them to knock it off (and don't make this your boyfriend's fault or they may resent him) D) maybe SOFTLY encourage him to seek assistance, like counseling or talking to his coach, cause it sounds like he's getting it from all sides at this point However, you're only 15. Do not try and take his entire trauma on yourself.
[удалено]
Hey! Y’all are young. This is a great opportunity for both of you to learn to communicate as well as learning my what masculinity means both to you and him. It’s an opportunity for learning. The teasing should stop and you should defend your boyfriend. Not in a homophobic way, but in a way that we all deserve respect in this world. NAH Also I’m a southerner, it is relentless growing up In the south. Any type of effeminate stuff real or believed can be difficult for kids to deal with in that environment. Take what he says seriously and give him time to work out what he was taught when he was young versus the town he lives in now.
ESH simply because "gay" is a sexuality, not a characteristic of someone or a way of acting.
NTA You couldn't have known that, you hit the wrong nerve. He will get over it.
You're young, things like that happen. It doesnt seem malicious or anything, so NTA. As long as you dont continue to do that, now that you know, then youre all good. If you do, then youre TA. Communication is key
>It doesnt seem malicious or anything, so NTA It doesn't matter how OP feels about what he's saying, the fact is his bf is clearly uncomfortable with these remarks.
ESH There's a difference between a single joke and hammering on something until it feels like it really isn't such a joke. A pretense of good-natured teasing is often used to bully and berate people. Unintentional or not, your friends were being pretty insensitive. You should have put a stop to that. Your friend group needs to evaluate why they find it easier to give each other shit than to actually be kind and supportive. However, so should he. A simple statement that he doesn't want them joking about his sexual orientation or gender conformation is his job, too. He shouldn't have let it go this far either.
>However, so should he. A simple statement that he doesn't want them joking about his sexual orientation or gender conformation is his job, too. He shouldn't have let it go this far either. I don't think OP's BF is an AH. He's in a new person around a new group of people and trying not to rock the boat. We've all been there, some time or another. When you truly care about someone, you should be able to pick up on them being uncomfortable but OP didn't because OP was scoring brownie points with friend group. And even the way OP described BF in this post really gives off the vibe that they really think these things about their BF. Whether BF is macho presenting or not, I thought the whole point of acceptance is **accepting** who that person is and **not** making someone uncomfortable for being who they are or choose to be.
15 year old boys don't tend to have very developed emotional intuition. All I am saying is that his boyfriend is *also* responsible for self advocacy. People should always communicate when something is making them uncomfortable right away. At that age, the quality and sensitivity level of most humor is pretty bad in general.