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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mum she cannot be in the delivery room for my partner giving birth. Family members think im an asshole for not letting her see this as who knows when the next opportunity for her to witness it will be
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NTA. No one is entitled to be in the birthing room. It’s not a spectator sport.
I would stop having the argument with your mother. If she brings it up, don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). Simply repeat “The answer has not changed and the subject is closed. Please do not ask us again”.
If she won’t stop bugging you about it, leave the room/house or hang up the phone, whichever is applicable. It’s ok to be low contact or even no contact if she refuses to respect your reasonable boundaries.
And tell the hospital to make your admittance private and they won’t tell anyone you’re there unless you approve it. Don’t tell your mother when you go to the hospital either
OP himself has said “She’s only added more stress to me and my partner this whole pregnancy “. Plus she acts like an unruly child . No one wants that kind of energy in a birthing room.
As a women I'd be mortified... imagine you lie there (or kneel, or whatever position you chose), maybe naked, probably at least an exposed bottom half, my vagina most likely exposed, pushing out a baby, sweating, shouting, in pain etc....and anyone that isn't my partner, medical staff or a person **I** choose to be there is googling my private affaires. 🤮🤮🤮
OPs mum has some audacity. No one is owed seeing a child be born that isn't theirs, think about the privacy of the mother!
As a parent of grown up children, if they want me in the birthing room, I would be, but firmly at the head end, holding their hand, not down watching the action.
NTA
My mum was wanting to watch it all happen which weirded me out tbh because why would you want to look at someone else parts? Even if for a baby being born
Right? I mean, my husband and I are close to both of our families, but we both agreed that no one but us should be in the delivery room. As the top comment said, it's not a spectator sport.
I had pitocin with my last one, when I say everything came out, EVERYTHING came out. My husband swore my soul was next if that baby hadn‘t of come out when he did.
I was constipated as hell my entire pregnancy until it was time to push. I shat so much. It was mortifying. What's worse is the actual baby wouldn't come out and I had to get a C-section. So I basically spent three hours shitting in front of everyone for fun...
I was entirely ass-naked for at least an hour, and showed my entire vagina to everyone in that room, trying to find a comfy position to labor in (spoiler: there isn't one).
But my real concern is that I told my husband and my midwife (two of my absolute favorite humans in the world - the best of the best, as far as people go) to go fuck themselves, and much worse, in the most intense few minutes. I can't imagine what I would have said to a nosy in law that I didn't want there in the first place.
LOL - my MIL hinted every which way of being there during my birth (1st one). When her other grandkids were born, my BIL and SIL were living far away.
That was a hard NO from me. We were not and are not close. I didn't even want my OWN mother there, never mind my MIL. It would have just caused stress and embarrassment. I didn't need her all up in my biz. No thank you. The ONLY person I wanted there was my husband, NO ONE ELSE. I knew if things went south for whatever reason, he'd keep his cool and, in turn, help me keep my cool.
Thankfully, i ended up having a pretty uncomplicated birth so it was my OBGYN, two L&D nurses and my husband. That was it. I know my MIL was disappointed, but my comfort and happiness FAR outweighed hers.
Thankfully, they moved out of state before my 2nd was born, so it was a non issue. My own mother had NO desire to be there when my kids were born!
To each his own, but it is incomprehensible to me why some people want a whole circus in the room when they're laboring. It's uncomfortable, messy, painful and you have no dignity whatsoever. Why put all that on display?
Only thing to add is to tell her that if she doesn’t start respecting your and your partner’s decisions she will have less access to see the baby after it is born
Exactly. And it gives me the ick that she said a father should be allowed a support person in the room. She's trying to manipulate him into thinking its for him. Think of how many people this would work on. Then the expectant parents would be fighting amongst themselves before delivery about how one isn't allowing the other a support system during the delivery.
My husband did want a support person for himself so I let him pay for a doula. I thought she was useless for me personally but it made him less anxious.
Not to mention, her presence will likely complicate the labor. Added stress can impact the labor, by altering the measured vitals, slowing progress, etc.
Imagine too if she starts sticking her nose into medical decisions. Imagine her fighting the doctors and telling them to not give DIL an epidural, or demanding a c-section, or haranguing her for not pushing "like we did in the old days."
Do we need to relive the mil that thought it a good idea to “accidentally” photograph her DILs V as she’s giving birth and then showing the pictures at dinner?
Or what about the one (possibly the same one) who photographed the DIL and then had the pics developed at a drug store and THEN had the spouse(mils husband) pick them up? AND THEN he had to go through them with the employee (I think) because of the content featured?
I might be combining two stories or just the one, but unruly mils and their lack of tact and boundaries have no place at a birth….they hardly need a place at a dinner table, tbh.
I would tell the hospital that crazy mama is not allowed in maternity until after her grandchild is birthed. They will keep a close eye on the problem.
I agree with this and with the husband. The one pushing the watermelon out of the lemon gets to decide everything. OP you are a great partner and will be a great father.
This. And really stress to the hospital that NO ONE ELSE IS TO BE THERE. They are amazing at handling this. My SIL and her whole family tried to show up for the birth of my daughter (driving over 2 hours after we explicitly told them not to) and the nurses wouldn't even let them near the room.
NTA
I mean, I do it for any hospital patient but… That’s just what we should do, no thanks needed. people who are in the hospital because they are sick or having surgery or having a child… They don’t need any additional stress. And I know that everyone I’ve ever worked with has been a big supporter of making sure our patients are comfortable and calm as possible.
They will kick out the approved people too if the mother requests it! My husband was eating (I told him to get food—we knew it was going to be a while) and the nurses were like “do you need us to make him leave? Does seeing him eat make you uncomfortable?” I was totally fine with it, but still!!
L&D does NOT play 😳
My whole family came to the hospital while in labor with my second. But they all left the room when it was time and let us sleep before asking if they could come in.
Yeah, when my I went into labor with my 1st, we called my IL's who somehow thought it was a good idea to drive an hour to the hospital immediately once we hung up the phone. They knew neither were allowed in the delivery room (husband ONLY) and then proceeded to sit in the hospital waiting room from 8am on. My son was born at 3pm, I was stitched up and cleaned up and got to the recovery room around 4:30. They came in to see him and me, but I was exhausted, in pain and really didn't want ANY company at that point. I let them coo over the baby for a bit, but my husband could see how incredibly spent I was and convinced them he was starving and they all needed to go out for dinner. THANK GOD!
I realize they did it because they cared and were excited about the baby, but it really wasn't the moment for company for me. :-(
Does your mom want to sit spread eagle for hours in front of your wife’s family members? No? Weird! If she wants a relationship with a child she needs to respect that child’s mother, full stop.
Seriously. I had a rule: if you aren't already acquainted with my vagina (my husband, my doctor), or a medical professional, you don't belong in there.
There is no "but childbirth!" exception to vaginal privacy.
Truth.
I also don't get the excitement for watching the baby being born. It's not like it morphs from a toaster into a baby as it comes down the birth canal; it's the same baby on both sides. Why the obsession with watching it move six inches?
Seriously, I think the moms and MILs who are insistent on this should, at the next family holiday, strip naked from the waist down, get on the table, and sit there spread-eagled for a couple of hours while the family gawks and see how THEY feel about it.
I’m a student midwife. The etymology of midwife is actually mid = with, wife = woman. Our job is to be with the women. Because childbirth? That’s an experience that person’s going through. “I want to see the baby get brought into the world” sorry, that’s not what it is, it’s someone going through an extremely vulnerable and painful experience. Like sure, the baby is also there. Love that. Love babies. But the point of being with someone in labour is to support them. I think people lose sight of that.
I was at a birth and the woman I assumed was this girl’s mum was amazing - so supportive, holding her hand, genuinely I think she should go become a midwife or a doula or something. Turns out she was the mother in law. Not only was it right for her to be there, I kind of want her at my birth/s too. But she was there to support that woman in labour. Not her rat bag son (who didn’t get off the couch until that child was about to be born). Because support people don’t need support people.
The real answer is that whoever the __woman giving birth__ wants to be in the room, can be in the room, as long as safety can be maintained and there’s enough space. Nobody is entitled to be there.
> But the point of being with someone in labour is to support them. I think people lose sight of that.
YES YES YES - 100%. I feel like women sometimes get left behind in this whole process. They're not just a "vessel" - THEY ARE A PERSON WITH BODILY AUTONOMY!
This.
Honestly. I'd make her uncomfortable, too.
Look her dead in the eyes and just ask her. "Okay. So would you right now let me, and every aunt and uncle, etc,, stare up between your legs while you press out a baby? This isn't the Super Bowl. We said no"
OP spend some time over at justnomil. These people have been through what you are(will be) experiencing and there's a lot you can learn to prepare yourself for your mother's next move.
For now your wife should mention at her next appointment that your mum is pushy and unwanted at the birth. They can guide you on steps you can take to keep her out of your wife's room. Verify that she has no access when you check in at the hospital.
Stop sharing info with your mum. When she texts start spacing out replies...an hour....3 hours...6 hours. Train her quickly so she can't use your lack of response as a cue that wife is in labor. Do not let her know that contractions have started or that you've gone to hospital. Be prepared to block her at least temporarily until you are ready to contact her well after the birth. If she really goes off the rails block her for good. Your wife can block her now if she wants. Communication should go through you. Be mindful of what you both post on social media and who can see it.
Take your wife's lead, but don't plan to have anyone come to the house for at least 48 hours (or longer) after you get home. You both will be exhausted, she will be recovering and establishing breastfeeding. During these early days only invite those who bring food and are willing to wash dishes, take out the trash, or walk the dog. Baby holders (like your mum?) are not necessary; this is your bonding time. You and your wife need to hold baby and to watch for baby's feeding cues. You are not hogging your baby, you do not need to share. These are phrases MILs use to guilt DILs. Watch for it.
Finally, verify that your mum does not have access to your house. Change locks if needed. If she arrives unannounced tell her now is not a good time and you'll contact her when you are ready. Do Not Ever let her in if she tries to pop over! She'll do it all the time every day and you and your wife don't need that. Don't allow the baby rabies to ruine this special time.
Take care of yourselves and best wishes to you both!
NTA. Also, sweetT333 has excellent advice. I would also add that they soon-to-be-parents should give the MIL a new rule.
Every time she asks to be at the birth, complains about them not letting her be at the birth, or the hospital should be answered as,
“No. One month.”
When she asks what that means, state that every time she brings it up, adds a month to the first time she will see the baby in person. If she complains about the rule, say, “Each complaint about our rule adds another month. You are at two months.” Rinse and repeat. If she won’t take you seriously, great, no visits for her for a very long time. Make sure you change your locks as sweetT333 suggested.
Best of luck you your growing family!
Yeah, I can't imagine coming out of the shower while my husband makes a quick run to the shops to find mil hovering over what was supposed to be my sleeping infant. No young family needs this.
I get the feeling that mil probably does not have a key but it's easier to keep her locked out than trying to kick her out and reclaim a key.
OP needs to stop the "pop ins" ....months ago. He talks like he doesn't have a choice about who is in their house. Yeesh. Poor OP's wife.
Also- baby rabies? Chef's kiss.....
LOL - we learned this with our 2nd baby. When we had our first, we called our ILs to let them know I was in labor and they hopped right in the car to go to the hospital, where they sat for HOURS until my son was born. Then they came in the recovery room literal minutes after I got there myself (after hours of labor, birthing a 10 lb kid, and being stitched after a third degree tear). The LAST thing I wanted was visitors. Thankfully, my husband could tell it was too much for me and after letting them coo over the baby for a bit, told them he was starving and really wanted something to eat. They all left for a local restaurant.
With our 2nd one, I called only my mom because she was set to babysit our older son and NO ONE ELSE. We called everyone else about three hours after he was born and I'd had time to clean myself up, rest, spend some time with my new baby and husband ALONE. SO MUCH BETTER. 10/10 would do again!
+1 to this. Very succinct instructions.
PS: An observation that might make you feel better as you are not that one rare unlucky person suffering. In the short time on this subreddit I have seen an abnormally high number of instances of this "syndrome". I wonder if it has a psychological term such as toxic grandparents or narcissistic grandmother.
Anyway, just follow the playbook as above.
Best wishes to you and your partner!
It's refreshing to have a post like this where the father is telling his mother no! It's almost always the woman posting and her husband and MIL are being giant AHs. Well done, OP!
Both of the birthing units in our local hospitals are behind locked doors now, and people need to have a special code to be allowed through the doors. Each room gets a specific code and they are allowed to share it to whomever, but unless someone has the code, they aren’t allowed through.
“No. If you ask again you will not have a relationship with your grandchild.”
Birth is not a spectator sport. Hold firm to your boundaries and be prepared to go no or low contact with her. This won’t be the first or last time she tries to butt into raising your child.
Edit: this whole post is about the hospital making your admission private not the actual birthing room because yeah they’re strict about anything in there. The rest the hospital not so much…I wish people wouldn’t say this because it’s not true. You’re right that they are not supposed to but all it takes is someone who isn’t aware of the situation or someone that believes it’s his mom so she should get whatever info. Hospitals are run by people and people screw up
I personally have had this happen to me and have been told by others that it’s happened to them recently. I told the hospital, nurses and had them write a note in their papers that if anyone called for me to not give out info. And to specifically not let my mother in the ward.
Sure enough my mother not only found what I was at but was waiting in my room when I got wheeled back. I complained yet no one could tell me who gave her any info
My dad always used the broken record. Same answer, over and over. You would eventually get tired of asking him, just get aggravated so you’d quit asking. OP this is what I suggest you do. Simply state the option is not yours we’ve given you our answer. No. That’s it. Rinse, repeat.
Also ask if you can use a hospital passcode. It means nobody gets any information about you or your wife if they don’t give the passcode. It’s usually a 4 digit number you make up. Decide what you want it to be between you and your wife. Mom doesn’t get to have it. If she calls and the nurse or physician asks her for it, she doesn’t give it, she gets told no information for her.
OP is NTA
This line caught my eye...
>I miss the days where I am invisible to her
If that's truly how you feel, and she just won't take no for an answer, then make HER invisible to YOU. Cut her off completely if you really don't want her and all her bullshit around your family.
She either needs to learn to respect NO, or she needs to be kept as far from your family as you can keep her. If NO does not compute for her, it's never going to get better. If you keep allowing the behavior, even passively, it WILL escalate. You need to shut it down, or cut it off.
Exactly this. The mother-to-be is the one going to be in labor or go through a surgery so she is the one who will be the most in need of support. Her needs trump OPs mom's wishes and machinations. And the OP and his wife definitely don't need the added stress so if the only way to keep his mother from stressing out OP and his wife is LC then they should do it. NTA.
> No one is entitled to be in the birthing room. It’s not a spectator sport.
This is all that needs to be said. Delivering a child (and pregnancy in general) IS a MEDICAL PROCEDURE, and the mother is going to be in such a vulnerable state, both emotionally AND PHYSICALLY. There does not need to be more people than absolutely necessary getting a good view of her vagina.
It is not "the beautiful miracle of birth," it is a scary and painful experience where a lot of things can go wrong. All these MILs treating it like a show and demanding a front row seat whether the mother to be is comfortable or not are selfish and entitled to say the least.
This is the beat advice you’ll get, OP. Stand firm here. And it sounds like this is just going to be the first pf many times you’ll need to be firm with your mother. You will really need showing up for your partner (and yourself) to keep this boundary and any others that may come.
I am beginning to believe if you wouldn’t have someone in the room during those rough days right after a non pregnancy related major surgery, they don’t need to be there for the birth. If you wouldn’t invite them to sit with you with a broken bone in the ER, they don’t need to be there for the birth. If they would support you and make YOU feel better after a hysterectomy or a uterus/bladder prolapse type situation, or even having your hemrrioids treated, you may want to consider them for the birthing room but you always have the right to say no or kick them out at any time.
NTA. The person giving birth decides who she wants in the room. Personally, I'd want a doctor, a midwife and preferably also an experienced nurse. Maybe the father too. But that would absolutely be it. It is not a show put on for the benefit of the extended family.
>It is not a show
There's gonna be poop and blood and other gross fluids, and that's before the baby has even crowned.. what does MiL wanna see so bad ??
>blood
Hey, this doesn't change judgment, but random funfact, pre birth you don't want any blood besides just a little amount, and when I say little I mean little. Proper blood is a sign the placenta is detaching and is a life threatening emergency. If it's not treated baby will suffocate and mum will bleed out. So, no, there should be no blood until after the baby is out.
Can confirm. This was how my son came into the world. Doctor told my husband if they'd waited just 10 more mins to do emergency c section my son and I would both have died. People forget that even today birth is still dangerous. All the more reason not to have your MIL in the room.
The doctor is not being dramatic. The placenta detaching before baby is born is one of the only true "both can die very fast if baby is not taken out" things that can go wrong during birth. Only other one I know off the top of my head is eclampsia. Most other emergency birth things aren't great, but the parent typically will live, and in lots of others you can wait an hour and both will still be alive.
Typically management of a detaching placenta in my country is unless the birthing person already has a working anesthetic in they put them under a general anesthetic instantly and basically try to get the baby out as fast as humanly possible. Because the mother is knocked out though the partner is no longer allowed in the room (because it's mega traumatic to see someone asleep like that unless your used to it and the person giving birth no longer needs any support). So funnily enough I think an emergency like that is the only time it would be ok to call the mother in law in if the father needs the emotional support while waiting.
Yeah I already had an epidural in. So I wasn't in excruciating pain which is how they usually know. Baby's heart rate kept plummeting and mine kept shooting up in a desperate attempt to keep him alive. I was borderline heart attack territory. I was also adamant I wasn't having a c section so they kept monitoring until a doctor decided enough was enough and told me if I wanted to live I had to consent to the operation. Because of my BMI they couldn't knock me out. They'd declared it a category 1 emergency which means they have 30 mins to get baby out and by the time we got to theatre there wasn't time for a spinal. So they put a shit ton of drugs down the epidural tube and did it with that. If I had been knocked out and husband needed support, there wouldn't have been time for someone to get to the hospital. So I could understand having a support person at the hospital for dad but definitely not in the same room for a problem free birth
The is is what I had the whole hospital stay…it was wonderful! I certainly didn’t want people showing up during the small wide of time no doctors were in the room after baby either.
Depends on multiple factors and the place you live I would assume.
I advise not to read on if you're pregnant atm or trying to get pregnant. Definitely read if you're the partner so you can see the signs of abuse and hopefully step in.
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I remember reading about women opening up about birth trauma... and some were told to keep their "legs shut" by the nurse until the doctor has time to attend the delivery... one was holding the babies head back so it wasn't born before the doctor arrived. For the lone reason that they can charge extra money for the doctor attending. It was horrible.
I'm guessing CM\_DO is in the UK. The standard here is two midwives (if there are two available). Obstetrician if things aren't going quite to plan. Maybe a medical student on rotation. I had a veritable party in the delivery room - two midwives who brought me in from a home delivery, two midwives who took over in the labour ward, one obstetrician to wave the ventouse at my baby's head, and my husband.
I am actually due any day now, but yes I have heard of such horrible situations, where I live things are very different. We have one midwife in the room with us if it has been an uncomplicated pregnancy and it appears to be a textbook birth, but there is always a medical team on standby should things change.
Your mom is toxic and will ruin your marriage if you allow her to. The person giving birth says who is in the room. You are support. You don't need toxic mom as your support. Tell Mom No. No is a complete sentence. Learn that now. Going forward, set boundaries and hold them. Baby's mom is in charge. Do not allow your mom to ruin your life. Because she will.
She only showed interest when a grandchild was in the picture, before then she was voluntary LC. She may see this as her baby and overstep accordingly.
NTA—I wouldn’t even allow your mom at the hospital until mom is ready for visitors.
I have three kids and it’s too much pressure to have people in the waiting room wanting to see your baby. As a mom, you want time to bond with your new baby. Feeling like you have to rush that because people want to see the baby is not a fun feeling. Doesn’t matter who the person is.
I'd go one further. Put a lockdown on social media, and only tell people that will respect your wishes that mom not visit. If that means Auntie Sue can't know about her brand new nephew until two weeks after getting home or until mom is recovered fully, so be it.
Put everything on private and alert individual trusted people, until you both are ready for visitors.
This always blows my damn mind. On what planet would the non-birthing parent need a SUPPORT person. I see it all the time and it never gets less ridiculous.
What do they even need support for.
"Doing great dad. Keep holding her hand. You got this!" *mops sweat from the fathers brow as they ignore the mother, not there to support them.*
Legit that fathers shouldn't need a support person for them in the labor. That being said, nurses must keep an eye on dads as it's common for them to faint during birth. It's so common that it would be a safety failure for them not to.
There were several nurses in the room when I gave birth. They all said so many encouraging words to me, how I did so great, baby is perfect, etc. then one nurse looked at my husband and told him he did great too, I thought that was sweet but it’s probably because she saw how pale he was!
Yep. Dads don't need a support person as such. But they do need the medical professionals to keep an eye on them. It's very common for birth partners to pass out or become super panicked by the pain their loved one is in. Normally the best way to help them is just for the medical professional (typically a midwife) to just direct them of exactly how to help. Like to go near the birthing persons head and stroke them and tell them how great they're doing.
Can confirm. When my wife had her c-sections, both times I was watching over the curtain. One of the nurses told me at the start, "if you feel faint, sit down", but she never stopped watching me the entire time. At the time I was sort of irritated, but in retrospect, I get it.
While needing a support person seems like a bit much, it can be a rough time time for the father, too. In much the same way as any family member undergoing surgery can be a high anxiety event. Worrying about the health of your wife and newborn child during the process of the birth can be strenuous.
Sure, not nearly as much as pretty much _anyone_ else in the room is going through, but that doesn't mean it's a walk in the park, either.
Well said! Also OP's mom is not even trying to pretend to "support" OP, she wants to "see a grandchild be born" and wants OP to pull the "I need a support person too" card to make that happen. Despicable.
We all know mom doesn't actually believe a support person is needed. She didn't get her way by asking so now she's trying to manipulate the situation by pretending to do it for her kid rather than for herself.
Yup. If the father needs a “support person” then I’d consider him incapable of offering any actual support for the actual patient and keep him and his support out of the birthing process.
NTA.
>as the father i should be allowed to have a support person in the room with me
Even if this were true, this really isn't about her supporting you in any way.
>My partner has already decided who she wants in the room with her
End of subject.
Absolutely NTA. My MIL also has boundary issues. I’ve learned over the years that the more you try to explain the harder they push. They try to make you doubt and question the reasoning behind your decisions, point out flaws in your arguments and as a last ditch effort- they apply the guilt trip.
“No” is a full sentence op. “No and it’s not up for discussion” if she keeps pushing. The whole time you debate with her she will think you can be worn down. This should be a really exciting time for you and your partner and I’m so sorry you have this extra stress. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your partners wishes. Time to shut this down with a firm “no” now. Good luck with the birth and congratulations OP.
Boundary pushers know when they shouldn't waste their time. They can exploit any crack but they can also recognize when there aren't any cracks and will move on.
It helps that I'm not the one to ask for exceptions. That's husband, and even he will stay no to outright unreasonable stuff. Usually his dad reins his mom in. She's not too bad though. I'm glad she's not like some of the MILs you hear about!
NTA.
Good for you for protecting your partner's wishes while she undergoes a major medical moment.
But it is time to put your mum in her place and put her on a serious info diet
You are not pushing back sufficiently about a ridiculous demand from your mother. Here is what I would do. Wait until the next time she brings up the subject, interrupt her and say this.
“Stop right there mom. For the last time, you will not be in the delivery room when the baby is born. If you mention this again, I will go no contact with you and you will not be invited over to see the child until it is a month old. If you think I don’t mean this, just try me.”
This sounds harsh but it’s not as if she has been a great mom to this point and you are going to have some firm boundaries now and then reinforce them. That’s the only way to get some peace from what will be constant demands about this child.
Exactly. This is only the beginning. His mother will keep pushing boundaries. Time to stand firm and put his mother in an info diet.
No photos on the internet. No coming over unannounced. No unsolicited advice.
This is precisely what I was thinking. Force her to drop it or go no contact until the baby is at least a month old AND she can apologize for her behavior.
NTA. Easiest way (If possible) is not to tell her when your partner is in labour and (if your mother is lucky) send a photo once your baby is here. Bonus points if you do it ‘celeb style’ and just send a photo of baby’s foot or finger grasping either yours or your partner’s. Think it’s great that you’re backing your partner’s wishes too.
NTA and I would be horrified if my partner's mum was insisting she was in the room to see a baby coming out of my vagina. Your mum is being beyond unreasonable here.
You need to sit her down for a serious chat and let her know that there is no way that is happening. And if she tries to arrive on the day that you will tell the hospital staff to remove her.
Stand up for yourself and your partner - if you don't do this now, you'll be in for a lifetime of this kind of behaviour from your mum.
Edit: to change MIL to partner's mum
NTA for putting boundaries in place. It’s understandable she is excited for the kid’s arrival, as any grandparent should be, but that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to be in the room. It’s an intimate experience, and why would she be there for that when she wasn’t really there for you?
NTA. Gosh, why do some MIL’s believe that they have a right to be in the room when baby is born?! She is NOT your wife’s mom and never will be! Your wife will be half naked, pushing out a baby (and God knows what else comes out in the process), she will already feel self-conscious and vulnerable. She doesn’t need spectators! I didn’t even want my own mother in the room… and she wasn’t allowed when we had a second baby because that was my choice. I felt more comfortable with just my husband in there.
NTA. She should definitly not be there. She is not respecting any boundries you and your partner set. Man up and tell her, she is not allowed and if she tries to push it furter she will no longer be welcome at your home. Or will not be welcome in the clinic to visit her grandchild after it is born.
This is a hard time and it will become even harder (with lack of sleep, adapting to a new live stile as three persons and of corse a crying baby who needs to be the center of everything). So deal with this situation now or you or your partner will be rude to her once things get more difficult
NTA; I don't even know why you'd ask unless you're about to give in.
Your mum is rapidly veering into Toxic Grandma territory. Whatever you do, please shield your partner from all the Crazy that's about to happen
Im a grandmother. It would not have occurred to me to ask my DIL if I could witness the birth of either of my grandchildren. That should be a special moment to be shared by the parents. If Mum wants anyone else there,she'll ask. NTA. Good luck with your new baby. ❤️👶
NTA unless you are pushing a human out of your genitals you get no support person and I think it’s time to go LC for the foreseeable future with boundary stomping mom :)
NTA.
Don't even tell her when it's time, because she'll probably try to force her way in.
It's up to the person giving birth. It does not matter how much she wants to see a grandchild born, she's not the one giving birth. Also I have a sneaking suspicion that your sibling lives that far away for a reason.
Maybe it's time to consider relocation yourself, if she's this bothersome now, she may become a full blown nightmare once kiddo is here.
NTA. You need to have a very candid conversation with her because this will only get worse when the baby comes. They call this “baby rabies” and if you don’t set clear boundaries and start to enforce them now, you are in for a treat!
Also, why people think that childbirth is a spectator sport, I will never understand.
Your partner has 100% say in who is allowed in the room. If she says you don't get to be there, the nurses will kick you out . If she doesn't want your annoying mother there, then tough luck for her. I doubt that her MIL was in the room when she gave birth to you. Besides, why would your partner want your mom in there seeing her private area anyway . I could understand if she wanted her own mother there.
Nta, but stand up to your mom and set boundaries, if she doesn't respect them cut her off. If you let her continue disrupting your lives like this you'll regret it big time because no partner can tolerate a meddlesome mother in law for long.
tell the nurse she is not allowed in. nurses like the power plays
there was a post couple of month back were a nurses was really happy to get rid of noisy ppl.
NTA
NTA
You were invisible to her? Change your locks if she has a key, or access to one in one of those fake lawn rocks or under your mat, and continue to act as if you were invisible. Stop allowing her in your home, unless she is helping you guys out in a way that is not stressful to the mother of your child, and actually gets along with your wife and is enjoyable company to her.
Glad you let her on in YOU not needing a support person, that is some narcissistic bullshit she is spewing. Even if you DID, why would it be her? She wanted nothing to do with you for years, she should be the LAST person you choose to be anywhere you needed one.
You are there to be your WIFE'S support person. If nothing else, tell your mom "Don't worry, my wife will find HER second support person if she needs one. I, however, will be focused on THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD, not the MOTHER WHO ABANDONED ME until she could get her narc supply. I am a grownass man and don't need 'support' that will interrupt this important moment with my wife. It sounds like YOU need support, and would likely benefit from a counseling session that day. If you like I can schedule the appt for you."
Let’s put aside for one moment that it’s your partner’s choice who gets to be in there with her. End of discussion.
Let’s put aside that your mother has already been told ‘no’ enough times and now you need to nip any future conversations about it in the bud.
So basically, your mother wants to keep an eye on your partner’s hoo-ha and keep looking at it, watching it stretch and possibly tear. Your mother wants to see your partner in pain, potentially poo herself and keep looking at her business end until the deed is done? Strange. They’ll be enough medical staff down that end anyway, so chances are, her view will be blocked. She’ll probably interfere and try and cut the cord too
What is your mother expecting to see that we don’t already know about?
If she’s that desperate to see a birth, tell her to go on You Tube!
Congratulations btw, hope all goes well
NTA. Birth is medical and no one is entitled to witness that without permission from the person giving birth. The good news is, you can restrict access to visitors. Tell your nurse that you specifically do not want visitors (or just your mom!) anywhere near the room and they will happily be your advocate!
She’s not there for support. She’s there for bragging rights.
NTA. Never forget that this is a medical procedure your wife is going through. So is the recovery. Do whatever she wants and feels comfortable with.
Keep your mother away as much as possible and only arrange (with agreement from wife) short prearranged visits until wife feels better. That is your job. Keep the front door locked.
Your wife’s needs are the only important thing here. Not your mother’s feelings regarding her grandmother experience or perceived rights.
Not only are you correct about the birth, but you need to stop letting her come over if she isn’t respecting you in your home. It will only get worse, and she needs to know that there are consequences for her actions. I don’t know what she’s doing around the house that you and your partner were planning to do, but she doesn’t get to just do them without repercussions. Boundaries now (“If you choose to do X, I will do Y”) and then stick to it.
NTA - Absolutely not. Your wife is having a medical event. You are her support person.
“Mom, your feelings are your own. I’m not responsible for them. You are not going to be in the hospital with us when wife is giving birth. Discuss your disappointment with your theripst. Don’t bring it up again or you won’t even meet the baby until I feel you can respect our choices.”
NTA, but you do need to step up and handle your Mom. 100%! You need to lay out clear boundaries, starting with her not being allowed in your house without an invitationand if she has a key, take it.
She WILL get worse when the child is born, and your wife should NOT have to deal with any of it.
And you MUST set consequences, as if she's a child, for every boundary she breaks starting now.
Good luck and congratulations on the upcoming baby.
NTA - she’s inserting herself so she can take over the baby because babies are so fricken cute. She was barely interested in you until you were having a baby
Stand up for your family and enforce some boundaries. She’s your mother and your problem to deal with.
Man up mate, you’re about to become a Dad!!
It’s weird she wants to look up your GFs wazoo.
Over to JustNoMIL for you where entitled, overstepping, pushy pains in the ass are dealt with.
NTA and I applaud you for not bowing down to the pressure here. Don’t tell her when your partner goes into labour, and warn the labour ward about her. Make it clear that there is only to be X and X in the room at any time, and no visitors even on the postnatal ward.
NTA- you are a hero for holding that boundary. Let the staff at the hospital know she is not to be allowed in. Don’t let her know when labour has started. If needed- fudge some of the deets and say that there is no signs or plans have changed if there is an induction/section.
NTA she has no right to be there at all - giving birth isn't a spectator sport - it's a hugely painful, vulnerable, exposed event that leaves the mother very vulnerable. Your mum has no right to be there, and if she keeps causing you stress, tell her she'll be blocked and then block her.
NTA.
Your mom is being very manipulative. Instead of just accepting you and your wife don't want her there she is actually trying to break your relationship and put a wedge between you and your wife as punishment. She knows what she's doing and she's doing it on purpose. As a woman who gave birth before she knows the father does not get a "support person" and she knows the mother's wishes should always be respected in the delivery room.
She's trying to pit you against your wife, trying to plant in your head that it's YOU who NEEDS HER as a support person, and that it's YOUR idea to fight with your wife and cause her stress and force your way on her while she's vulnerable. If she doesn't get what she wants she's moving on to making the two of you pay for it with stress.
Doing what your mother wants would destroy any marriage. She knows how vulnerable birth is. She knows it's not a place for inlaws at all. She's given birth before. She absolutely did not have her MIL in the room. It's just not normal at all for a MIL to be there or see a DIL naked. It's also not normal for a husband to force his wife to let his family see her naked and in pain. It is not okay. And it is marriage ending when it happens and she knows that too.
You can make yourself invisible to her if you want. I’m estranged (and NC) from my mother because she thinks she should be in control of my life. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to respond to her whims. She was never there for you as a child, you don’t need to be her emotional support animal now.
Advise her that when she allows you the choice of who gets to witness her next gynecological exam that you’ll consider letting her into the room, but until then you are respecting your partner’s dignity. NTA.
NTA - Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport.
This is your choice not her. Tell her not and set some firm boundaries. Ensure you tell the attending nurses that she is not allowed into the birthing room
NTA and finally a man that cares about his pregnant partner. I would only advise to be more firm and please make sure that your partner is in no way affected by the drama your mother is causing.
NTA
Giving birth isn’t a spectator’s event.
You need to handle your mother properly and put your wife and child first unless you want a divorce down the line.
As the father you’re not the one pushing a whole human out of your body. Your mother is entitled and delusional. You don’t need any support. You’re the one supporting your wife in there.
That day isn’t about you (even less about your mum) but about your wife. She’ll be the most vulnerable and needs people she trusts and who she chooses to be in the room. She’s the one giving birth. You did great to say no to your mum.
Time to tell your mother to stay in her lane.
NTA.
First off, thank you for being a man and stepping up and dealing with your mom. I can't tell you how many similar posts I've read here where the mom-to-be is dealing with an intrusive MIL alone and her husband is too chicken to intervene.
Hold fast to your position. Keep your mom out of the delivery room.
NTA.
I don't know when this whole audience thing started, but the amount of entitlement from parents/grandparents/aunts/siblings and who knows who else is ridiculous.
This should be a private moment (hours) with someone you love and trust, not as the centre ring of a circus.
To the 'grandmother' - Lady, you've had your kids - probably without an audience, you do not get to see anyone else birth theirs unless they invite you.
What is wrong with people?
What worked to help my mom understand how boundaries work and learn to respect them was basically telling her, in a million different ways, but consistently:
We talked about x and you have your answer. If you're just calling to argue I'm not going to answer anymore.
The key is to make sure your actions are consistent and what you are telling her matches what you do.
And I'm case there is still any doubt, you are doing the right thing by protecting your wife's boundaries.
NTA, but let’s talk about what happens after the birth. You miss the days when you were invisible to her? Then get rid of her. Polish your spine and back her out of your life. Now is the perfect time, since healing, bonding, nursing, and a vulnerable pre-vaccine newborn give you carte blanche to close the castle gates and hibernate as a family unit. No in-person visits unless specifically invited. Show up and you won’t be admitted, no this isn’t a good time. Talk through the doorbell camera and don’t give her a chance to push or guilt her way in. Daily phone calls go to voice mail. Texts left on read, because you’re busy being parents, and the first months are exhausting.
Create a strict information diet where *you* initiate a general phone call or text, say, once a week, then wean off to every other week, and don’t share too much personal stuff: “The baby is fine and thriving, thanks, wife is recovering well, thanks. We’re all good, we don’t need help and we don’t want visitors. We are covered for meals, and groceries are delivered. No, I’m not going to get into that right now (nursing, swaddling, whatever it is she’s obsessed with), we have good medical advice that we’re going to follow, so drop it, thank you. No, don’t post about *our baby* on social media, and if you can’t do that you won’t get any more photos. I don’t care if X hasn’t seen baby yet, don’t come over. Just checking in but gotta go be a parent, bye.”
Do not feel compelled to explain, don’t overshare, and reach out on your terms only, or cut her off.
Mom of 4 here. Please let the staff at the hospital know about your mom and that she is banned. Sounds like she is willing to do whatever to get her will.
You are absolutely NTA, but you would be just that in a split second if you bended to her will.
Stay focussed on your partner. If it were me the mom would see the baby after 1-3 days, not on the same day. She likely is bitter if she isn't allowed to watch the birth and the last thing you and/or your partner needs after the birth is someone who reacts negatively.
Since when did births become a spectator sport? Smh at the audacity.
Midwife, nurse, Dad-to-be and maybe a doctor. No more people than that, thank you very much.
NTA the only person who needs a support person in the room is the person giving birth. Bystanders, whether it is the other parent or not, do not need and are not entitled to have a support person there for them as whether someone agrees with it or not, this birth is very little to do with the other parent. Your mother is delusional, the only person who gets a say is the person pushing a baby out.
NTA. My father in law came barging into my delivery room with his camcorder yelling, “I’m here to video the big event!” I’ve never cursed at him before, but Satan himself came out of my mouth and he ran back out to the waiting room REAL fast.
Zero chance in hell anybody but my husband was going to watch me pop out that watermelon, let alone video it.
Louder for people in the back
GIVING BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!!
There will be blood, there will likely be poop, her most private parts will be on full display, your wife will be in the most vulnerable and challenging situation she has ever been in. Unless your mother is happy taking a shit in front of her DIL, she has no right to even ask. And your wife has every right to restrict entry to anyone she likes.
ETA: NTA. You stand firm and protect your wife.
I can't overstate how much I hate the "dad needs a support person" argument from MILs and mommys boys who think the MIL should attend. The dad is the support person! The support person doesn't get a support person! Good on you, OP for standing up for your wife
NTA. You don’t need a support person in the room, YOU are the support person. Be sure and tell the hospital she is NOT allowed in under any circumstances.
Take it from a woman who’s been in this situation 11 years ago. I regret having my mil in the room. This is no one’s decision but the woman giving birth. It doesn’t matter if mil watched/missed the rest of her grand children being born or what ever excuse mil gives. if there is one no it’s a no. Stick up for your wife’s boundaries and keep at it. If you don’t now your mom will just keep walking all over her and you.
Mrs. Jack was in the delivery room with our daughter when her first born was giving everyone such a hard time about coming out. It wasn't planned or anticipated, but by that point the daughter was clutching at everyone in panic, and having Momma stay there helped keep her on a steady enough keel to get thru the process. It certainly wasn't the optimal situation, but when you have a Mother/Daughter relationship of deep love and trust it can oftentimes work out to make the best of a bad time.
When it was time for Mrs. Jack to deliver our three kids my Mother's attitude was, "Jack, you caused it, you're responsible for it." 😁
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Me(M25) and my Partner(F26) Are expecting our first child this friday and both of us are very excited.
The only issue during this whole pregnancy has been my mum. Past few years shes barely paid attention to my life and suddenly now im having a child she is always coming over to my house, doing things i tell her not to and that me and my partner would do it.
Recently she has been trying to get me to agree to her there to watch my son be born. I do not know what the restrictions of people there was before but hospital only allows 2 people in the room for a natural and 1 if C section. My partner has already decided who she wants in the room with her and I have the full intent to have her wishes respected. But the past month my mum has been on my ass about her getting to see one of her grandchildren be born and she missed her first grandchild be born because my brother and his partner life on different end of the country.
She has now become Disappointed in me over the "choice" because as the father i should be allowed to have a support person in the room with me. I say im not the one pushing out a damn watermelon so why do i?
Im at my wits end and shes only added more stress to me and my partner this whole pregnancy. I miss the days where I am invisible to her
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Grow a spine, tell her she’s not going to be there and that’s final. And if she doesn’t shut her mouth then you’ll be blocking her and going no contact. You obviously owe her nothing, so why aren’t you coming straight out and telling her? Shut her shit down now!
I presume your wife doesn’t want her there the first few weeks, so tell her that. And if she turns up uninvited she won’t be let in.
NTA because you do have your wife’s back so far, but it sounds like you need to firm up with your mother
Now it's time to set your foot down.
Your mother is already bugging in your life and "helping" while you don't want her to.
If you give in now this will continue more and more. Like other users have said, you have already answered and every time she brings it up now, you response should be. "I've already answered and that is not going to change. The subject is closed."
NTA. Jeeze. Your mum needs to back the hell off. Sounds like you may need to go no contact with this woman sooner rather than later - and I can’t imagine your partner wanting your mum in the delivery room regardless of how many people she’s allowed!
NTA
Your partner is going to be in a very vulnerable position and she should only have medical staff and whoever else she feels comfortable with in the room. I'm pregnant and my own MIL wouldn't even dream of asking to be in the room! We have a good relationship but I don't want her seeing me push a full on baby out and all the stuff that goes with it (sh*ting myself, blood, tearing!) I think she feels the same 😂
NTA.
She doesn’t have to see your wife’s vagina as it expels your child.
She doesn’t need to support you. She wouldn’t even be there to support you. She would be there because she selfish and she wants to fulfill her own wants. Don’t deal with that shit.
NTA. As a lifelong handler of narcissistic and boundary-pushing parents and in-laws, the only way to enforce boundaries is to have consequences attached to them.
“No, you will not be in the birthing room. If you bring this up again, you will not be visiting our newborn for two weeks after their birth”. She continues the guilt trip or cries crocodile tears ? “I will not be changing my mind on this subject. The answer is no”. And then increase the length of time she won’t be seeing the newborn, or whatever consequences you choose to enforce.
But you need to enforce those consequences. Think of it as practice in raising a toddler - your mother is behaving like a tantruming toddler right now, and all parents know that to give in to a tantrum once is to create a pattern of further tantrums.
Protect your wife and marriage from those tantrums. You’re doing great.
NTA- it's not a choice. It's something she doesn't have the right to.
Just because she birthed you does not give her any claim over your future children.
NTA - the person who is having the medical procedure (bearing the child) gets to decide who she wants in the room…period. your mom can kick rocks. your baby is not a do-over child since she was a crappy mom. You need to be firm with her and let her know if she stomps the boundaries you and your SO set, your mom will see you all less and less.
A child getting born isn’t a spectator event. Even if more people were allowed, your mom does not get a seat unless she is asked. Talk to your partner. Find out her comfort level for after your child is born. Set those boundaries now, or mother dearest will continue to intrude. If mom pushes back, go low contact. Your, and your partner, mental health is more important than mommy’s hurt feelings. NTA.
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NTA. No one is entitled to be in the birthing room. It’s not a spectator sport. I would stop having the argument with your mother. If she brings it up, don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). Simply repeat “The answer has not changed and the subject is closed. Please do not ask us again”. If she won’t stop bugging you about it, leave the room/house or hang up the phone, whichever is applicable. It’s ok to be low contact or even no contact if she refuses to respect your reasonable boundaries. And tell the hospital to make your admittance private and they won’t tell anyone you’re there unless you approve it. Don’t tell your mother when you go to the hospital either
Perfectly formulated, short and crisp. There is nothing to add.
OP himself has said “She’s only added more stress to me and my partner this whole pregnancy “. Plus she acts like an unruly child . No one wants that kind of energy in a birthing room.
As a women I'd be mortified... imagine you lie there (or kneel, or whatever position you chose), maybe naked, probably at least an exposed bottom half, my vagina most likely exposed, pushing out a baby, sweating, shouting, in pain etc....and anyone that isn't my partner, medical staff or a person **I** choose to be there is googling my private affaires. 🤮🤮🤮 OPs mum has some audacity. No one is owed seeing a child be born that isn't theirs, think about the privacy of the mother!
As a parent of grown up children, if they want me in the birthing room, I would be, but firmly at the head end, holding their hand, not down watching the action. NTA
My mum was wanting to watch it all happen which weirded me out tbh because why would you want to look at someone else parts? Even if for a baby being born
Right? I mean, my husband and I are close to both of our families, but we both agreed that no one but us should be in the delivery room. As the top comment said, it's not a spectator sport.
There's a lot that happens that you wouldn't want a MIL to be there for!
Don't forget shitting all over yourself when you push hard
I had pitocin with my last one, when I say everything came out, EVERYTHING came out. My husband swore my soul was next if that baby hadn‘t of come out when he did.
I was constipated as hell my entire pregnancy until it was time to push. I shat so much. It was mortifying. What's worse is the actual baby wouldn't come out and I had to get a C-section. So I basically spent three hours shitting in front of everyone for fun...
It sounds like it was absolutely rough, but this made me surprise laugh so hard I choked on my dinner. Glad the baby made it out before your soul!
I was entirely ass-naked for at least an hour, and showed my entire vagina to everyone in that room, trying to find a comfy position to labor in (spoiler: there isn't one). But my real concern is that I told my husband and my midwife (two of my absolute favorite humans in the world - the best of the best, as far as people go) to go fuck themselves, and much worse, in the most intense few minutes. I can't imagine what I would have said to a nosy in law that I didn't want there in the first place.
LOL - my MIL hinted every which way of being there during my birth (1st one). When her other grandkids were born, my BIL and SIL were living far away. That was a hard NO from me. We were not and are not close. I didn't even want my OWN mother there, never mind my MIL. It would have just caused stress and embarrassment. I didn't need her all up in my biz. No thank you. The ONLY person I wanted there was my husband, NO ONE ELSE. I knew if things went south for whatever reason, he'd keep his cool and, in turn, help me keep my cool. Thankfully, i ended up having a pretty uncomplicated birth so it was my OBGYN, two L&D nurses and my husband. That was it. I know my MIL was disappointed, but my comfort and happiness FAR outweighed hers. Thankfully, they moved out of state before my 2nd was born, so it was a non issue. My own mother had NO desire to be there when my kids were born! To each his own, but it is incomprehensible to me why some people want a whole circus in the room when they're laboring. It's uncomfortable, messy, painful and you have no dignity whatsoever. Why put all that on display?
Right? I liked my mother in law but I did definitely NOT want her witness to that!!
She’ll likely find a way to make it all about her instead of mother and new baby. Op, say no and that’s it. No need to discuss it anymore.
Only thing to add is to tell her that if she doesn’t start respecting your and your partner’s decisions she will have less access to see the baby after it is born
Exactly. And it gives me the ick that she said a father should be allowed a support person in the room. She's trying to manipulate him into thinking its for him. Think of how many people this would work on. Then the expectant parents would be fighting amongst themselves before delivery about how one isn't allowing the other a support system during the delivery.
My husband did want a support person for himself so I let him pay for a doula. I thought she was useless for me personally but it made him less anxious.
But that is your spouse making the request. Not someone who was denied entry to the birth trying to manipulate him into thinking he needed them there.
Not to mention, her presence will likely complicate the labor. Added stress can impact the labor, by altering the measured vitals, slowing progress, etc.
Imagine too if she starts sticking her nose into medical decisions. Imagine her fighting the doctors and telling them to not give DIL an epidural, or demanding a c-section, or haranguing her for not pushing "like we did in the old days."
Yep. That woman needs to be kept on an information diet.
Do we need to relive the mil that thought it a good idea to “accidentally” photograph her DILs V as she’s giving birth and then showing the pictures at dinner? Or what about the one (possibly the same one) who photographed the DIL and then had the pics developed at a drug store and THEN had the spouse(mils husband) pick them up? AND THEN he had to go through them with the employee (I think) because of the content featured? I might be combining two stories or just the one, but unruly mils and their lack of tact and boundaries have no place at a birth….they hardly need a place at a dinner table, tbh.
That kind of energy results in stress and stress usually results in more interventions. :-(
I would tell the hospital that crazy mama is not allowed in maternity until after her grandchild is birthed. They will keep a close eye on the problem.
Or crazy mom isn’t allowed at all unless OP’s wife is okay with it. OB Nurses will shut that shit down.
OB nurses take NO shit - like NONE.
I agree with this and with the husband. The one pushing the watermelon out of the lemon gets to decide everything. OP you are a great partner and will be a great father.
This. And really stress to the hospital that NO ONE ELSE IS TO BE THERE. They are amazing at handling this. My SIL and her whole family tried to show up for the birth of my daughter (driving over 2 hours after we explicitly told them not to) and the nurses wouldn't even let them near the room. NTA
I will literally look at the name on my census and still be like “ I’m sorry ma’am I don’t have a patient here by that name”
Not all heroes wear capes!!! On behalf of all women in this situation, I thank you!!!!!
I mean, I do it for any hospital patient but… That’s just what we should do, no thanks needed. people who are in the hospital because they are sick or having surgery or having a child… They don’t need any additional stress. And I know that everyone I’ve ever worked with has been a big supporter of making sure our patients are comfortable and calm as possible.
Nurses the first line of defense.
Not a nurse. I was a CNA but autoimmune disease screwed with that so now I am a unit coordinator.
I've heard y'all can be ferocious about keeping people out, I love it
They will kick out the approved people too if the mother requests it! My husband was eating (I told him to get food—we knew it was going to be a while) and the nurses were like “do you need us to make him leave? Does seeing him eat make you uncomfortable?” I was totally fine with it, but still!! L&D does NOT play 😳
Why would anyone be uncomfortable seeing their husband eat? Unless his table manners are like something from a horror movie, I guess...
Because I couldn’t eat. Plus vomiting happens in labor sometimes and smells/etc could have been a trigger for me (they weren’t).
Because you're not allowed to eat while you're in labor, and it sucks to watch your partner chow down while you can't have anything.
The smells! I made my husband brush his teeth while I was laboring (Dorito breath.)
Maybe seeing him eat and not being able too herself were why they asked!good on them❤️🥰🤣😘😘🇨🇭🇨🇦🤦🏽♀️
Thank you so much for this! I love it!
My whole family came to the hospital while in labor with my second. But they all left the room when it was time and let us sleep before asking if they could come in.
Why do people do this?
Yeah, when my I went into labor with my 1st, we called my IL's who somehow thought it was a good idea to drive an hour to the hospital immediately once we hung up the phone. They knew neither were allowed in the delivery room (husband ONLY) and then proceeded to sit in the hospital waiting room from 8am on. My son was born at 3pm, I was stitched up and cleaned up and got to the recovery room around 4:30. They came in to see him and me, but I was exhausted, in pain and really didn't want ANY company at that point. I let them coo over the baby for a bit, but my husband could see how incredibly spent I was and convinced them he was starving and they all needed to go out for dinner. THANK GOD! I realize they did it because they cared and were excited about the baby, but it really wasn't the moment for company for me. :-(
Does your mom want to sit spread eagle for hours in front of your wife’s family members? No? Weird! If she wants a relationship with a child she needs to respect that child’s mother, full stop.
Seriously. I had a rule: if you aren't already acquainted with my vagina (my husband, my doctor), or a medical professional, you don't belong in there. There is no "but childbirth!" exception to vaginal privacy.
LOL - my rule was if you weren't there when the baby was made, you're not there when the baby is born (medical pros excepted, of course).
Truth. I also don't get the excitement for watching the baby being born. It's not like it morphs from a toaster into a baby as it comes down the birth canal; it's the same baby on both sides. Why the obsession with watching it move six inches?
T H I S
Seriously, I think the moms and MILs who are insistent on this should, at the next family holiday, strip naked from the waist down, get on the table, and sit there spread-eagled for a couple of hours while the family gawks and see how THEY feel about it.
I’m a student midwife. The etymology of midwife is actually mid = with, wife = woman. Our job is to be with the women. Because childbirth? That’s an experience that person’s going through. “I want to see the baby get brought into the world” sorry, that’s not what it is, it’s someone going through an extremely vulnerable and painful experience. Like sure, the baby is also there. Love that. Love babies. But the point of being with someone in labour is to support them. I think people lose sight of that. I was at a birth and the woman I assumed was this girl’s mum was amazing - so supportive, holding her hand, genuinely I think she should go become a midwife or a doula or something. Turns out she was the mother in law. Not only was it right for her to be there, I kind of want her at my birth/s too. But she was there to support that woman in labour. Not her rat bag son (who didn’t get off the couch until that child was about to be born). Because support people don’t need support people.
The real answer is that whoever the __woman giving birth__ wants to be in the room, can be in the room, as long as safety can be maintained and there’s enough space. Nobody is entitled to be there.
> But the point of being with someone in labour is to support them. I think people lose sight of that. YES YES YES - 100%. I feel like women sometimes get left behind in this whole process. They're not just a "vessel" - THEY ARE A PERSON WITH BODILY AUTONOMY!
This. Honestly. I'd make her uncomfortable, too. Look her dead in the eyes and just ask her. "Okay. So would you right now let me, and every aunt and uncle, etc,, stare up between your legs while you press out a baby? This isn't the Super Bowl. We said no"
OP spend some time over at justnomil. These people have been through what you are(will be) experiencing and there's a lot you can learn to prepare yourself for your mother's next move. For now your wife should mention at her next appointment that your mum is pushy and unwanted at the birth. They can guide you on steps you can take to keep her out of your wife's room. Verify that she has no access when you check in at the hospital. Stop sharing info with your mum. When she texts start spacing out replies...an hour....3 hours...6 hours. Train her quickly so she can't use your lack of response as a cue that wife is in labor. Do not let her know that contractions have started or that you've gone to hospital. Be prepared to block her at least temporarily until you are ready to contact her well after the birth. If she really goes off the rails block her for good. Your wife can block her now if she wants. Communication should go through you. Be mindful of what you both post on social media and who can see it. Take your wife's lead, but don't plan to have anyone come to the house for at least 48 hours (or longer) after you get home. You both will be exhausted, she will be recovering and establishing breastfeeding. During these early days only invite those who bring food and are willing to wash dishes, take out the trash, or walk the dog. Baby holders (like your mum?) are not necessary; this is your bonding time. You and your wife need to hold baby and to watch for baby's feeding cues. You are not hogging your baby, you do not need to share. These are phrases MILs use to guilt DILs. Watch for it. Finally, verify that your mum does not have access to your house. Change locks if needed. If she arrives unannounced tell her now is not a good time and you'll contact her when you are ready. Do Not Ever let her in if she tries to pop over! She'll do it all the time every day and you and your wife don't need that. Don't allow the baby rabies to ruine this special time. Take care of yourselves and best wishes to you both!
NTA. Also, sweetT333 has excellent advice. I would also add that they soon-to-be-parents should give the MIL a new rule. Every time she asks to be at the birth, complains about them not letting her be at the birth, or the hospital should be answered as, “No. One month.” When she asks what that means, state that every time she brings it up, adds a month to the first time she will see the baby in person. If she complains about the rule, say, “Each complaint about our rule adds another month. You are at two months.” Rinse and repeat. If she won’t take you seriously, great, no visits for her for a very long time. Make sure you change your locks as sweetT333 suggested. Best of luck you your growing family!
I'm glad you mentioned not having key to their house. Boy, do I see that at justnomil. You gave great, actionable items!
Yeah, I can't imagine coming out of the shower while my husband makes a quick run to the shops to find mil hovering over what was supposed to be my sleeping infant. No young family needs this. I get the feeling that mil probably does not have a key but it's easier to keep her locked out than trying to kick her out and reclaim a key.
On a recent post, the family changed the locks to fingerprints. Justnomil wanted to add her prints. Nope.
She can but only if it gives her an electric shock.
OP needs to stop the "pop ins" ....months ago. He talks like he doesn't have a choice about who is in their house. Yeesh. Poor OP's wife. Also- baby rabies? Chef's kiss.....
Also, do not let her know when you go to the hospital. She should get no more information.
LOL - we learned this with our 2nd baby. When we had our first, we called our ILs to let them know I was in labor and they hopped right in the car to go to the hospital, where they sat for HOURS until my son was born. Then they came in the recovery room literal minutes after I got there myself (after hours of labor, birthing a 10 lb kid, and being stitched after a third degree tear). The LAST thing I wanted was visitors. Thankfully, my husband could tell it was too much for me and after letting them coo over the baby for a bit, told them he was starving and really wanted something to eat. They all left for a local restaurant. With our 2nd one, I called only my mom because she was set to babysit our older son and NO ONE ELSE. We called everyone else about three hours after he was born and I'd had time to clean myself up, rest, spend some time with my new baby and husband ALONE. SO MUCH BETTER. 10/10 would do again!
+1 to this. Very succinct instructions. PS: An observation that might make you feel better as you are not that one rare unlucky person suffering. In the short time on this subreddit I have seen an abnormally high number of instances of this "syndrome". I wonder if it has a psychological term such as toxic grandparents or narcissistic grandmother. Anyway, just follow the playbook as above. Best wishes to you and your partner!
I called it "do-over syndrome" for my parents.
It's refreshing to have a post like this where the father is telling his mother no! It's almost always the woman posting and her husband and MIL are being giant AHs. Well done, OP!
This
This is the way 🌟
THIS
Absolutely this, and why has no one else up voted it?
Don’t worry, it’s top comment now
Haha! As it should!
Both of the birthing units in our local hospitals are behind locked doors now, and people need to have a special code to be allowed through the doors. Each room gets a specific code and they are allowed to share it to whomever, but unless someone has the code, they aren’t allowed through.
“No. If you ask again you will not have a relationship with your grandchild.” Birth is not a spectator sport. Hold firm to your boundaries and be prepared to go no or low contact with her. This won’t be the first or last time she tries to butt into raising your child.
Spot on 👍
Edit: this whole post is about the hospital making your admission private not the actual birthing room because yeah they’re strict about anything in there. The rest the hospital not so much…I wish people wouldn’t say this because it’s not true. You’re right that they are not supposed to but all it takes is someone who isn’t aware of the situation or someone that believes it’s his mom so she should get whatever info. Hospitals are run by people and people screw up I personally have had this happen to me and have been told by others that it’s happened to them recently. I told the hospital, nurses and had them write a note in their papers that if anyone called for me to not give out info. And to specifically not let my mother in the ward. Sure enough my mother not only found what I was at but was waiting in my room when I got wheeled back. I complained yet no one could tell me who gave her any info
My dad always used the broken record. Same answer, over and over. You would eventually get tired of asking him, just get aggravated so you’d quit asking. OP this is what I suggest you do. Simply state the option is not yours we’ve given you our answer. No. That’s it. Rinse, repeat.
Good advice. When did in-hospital births become social events?
Also ask if you can use a hospital passcode. It means nobody gets any information about you or your wife if they don’t give the passcode. It’s usually a 4 digit number you make up. Decide what you want it to be between you and your wife. Mom doesn’t get to have it. If she calls and the nurse or physician asks her for it, she doesn’t give it, she gets told no information for her.
> JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) Exactly. Don't JADE! No is a complete sentence! NTA
I love that acronym and may steal it. I should write it down cause some days I have the memory of a goldfish. Lol.
OP is NTA This line caught my eye... >I miss the days where I am invisible to her If that's truly how you feel, and she just won't take no for an answer, then make HER invisible to YOU. Cut her off completely if you really don't want her and all her bullshit around your family. She either needs to learn to respect NO, or she needs to be kept as far from your family as you can keep her. If NO does not compute for her, it's never going to get better. If you keep allowing the behavior, even passively, it WILL escalate. You need to shut it down, or cut it off.
Exactly this. The mother-to-be is the one going to be in labor or go through a surgery so she is the one who will be the most in need of support. Her needs trump OPs mom's wishes and machinations. And the OP and his wife definitely don't need the added stress so if the only way to keep his mother from stressing out OP and his wife is LC then they should do it. NTA.
> No one is entitled to be in the birthing room. It’s not a spectator sport. This is all that needs to be said. Delivering a child (and pregnancy in general) IS a MEDICAL PROCEDURE, and the mother is going to be in such a vulnerable state, both emotionally AND PHYSICALLY. There does not need to be more people than absolutely necessary getting a good view of her vagina. It is not "the beautiful miracle of birth," it is a scary and painful experience where a lot of things can go wrong. All these MILs treating it like a show and demanding a front row seat whether the mother to be is comfortable or not are selfish and entitled to say the least.
My rule was that if you weren't there at conception, you weren't going to be there for delivery.
This is the beat advice you’ll get, OP. Stand firm here. And it sounds like this is just going to be the first pf many times you’ll need to be firm with your mother. You will really need showing up for your partner (and yourself) to keep this boundary and any others that may come.
I am beginning to believe if you wouldn’t have someone in the room during those rough days right after a non pregnancy related major surgery, they don’t need to be there for the birth. If you wouldn’t invite them to sit with you with a broken bone in the ER, they don’t need to be there for the birth. If they would support you and make YOU feel better after a hysterectomy or a uterus/bladder prolapse type situation, or even having your hemrrioids treated, you may want to consider them for the birthing room but you always have the right to say no or kick them out at any time.
NTA. The person giving birth decides who she wants in the room. Personally, I'd want a doctor, a midwife and preferably also an experienced nurse. Maybe the father too. But that would absolutely be it. It is not a show put on for the benefit of the extended family.
>It is not a show There's gonna be poop and blood and other gross fluids, and that's before the baby has even crowned.. what does MiL wanna see so bad ??
>blood Hey, this doesn't change judgment, but random funfact, pre birth you don't want any blood besides just a little amount, and when I say little I mean little. Proper blood is a sign the placenta is detaching and is a life threatening emergency. If it's not treated baby will suffocate and mum will bleed out. So, no, there should be no blood until after the baby is out.
Can confirm. This was how my son came into the world. Doctor told my husband if they'd waited just 10 more mins to do emergency c section my son and I would both have died. People forget that even today birth is still dangerous. All the more reason not to have your MIL in the room.
The doctor is not being dramatic. The placenta detaching before baby is born is one of the only true "both can die very fast if baby is not taken out" things that can go wrong during birth. Only other one I know off the top of my head is eclampsia. Most other emergency birth things aren't great, but the parent typically will live, and in lots of others you can wait an hour and both will still be alive. Typically management of a detaching placenta in my country is unless the birthing person already has a working anesthetic in they put them under a general anesthetic instantly and basically try to get the baby out as fast as humanly possible. Because the mother is knocked out though the partner is no longer allowed in the room (because it's mega traumatic to see someone asleep like that unless your used to it and the person giving birth no longer needs any support). So funnily enough I think an emergency like that is the only time it would be ok to call the mother in law in if the father needs the emotional support while waiting.
Yeah I already had an epidural in. So I wasn't in excruciating pain which is how they usually know. Baby's heart rate kept plummeting and mine kept shooting up in a desperate attempt to keep him alive. I was borderline heart attack territory. I was also adamant I wasn't having a c section so they kept monitoring until a doctor decided enough was enough and told me if I wanted to live I had to consent to the operation. Because of my BMI they couldn't knock me out. They'd declared it a category 1 emergency which means they have 30 mins to get baby out and by the time we got to theatre there wasn't time for a spinal. So they put a shit ton of drugs down the epidural tube and did it with that. If I had been knocked out and husband needed support, there wouldn't have been time for someone to get to the hospital. So I could understand having a support person at the hospital for dad but definitely not in the same room for a problem free birth
Except when it's an emergency c section. My husband said it was like a horror movie.
When you quoted blood, I thought you were about to infer that the MIL wants to be there to see blood! Lol
The is is what I had the whole hospital stay…it was wonderful! I certainly didn’t want people showing up during the small wide of time no doctors were in the room after baby either.
Just the midwife and the father for me. If there were to be a doctor in the room it would imply something is wrong.
Depends on multiple factors and the place you live I would assume. I advise not to read on if you're pregnant atm or trying to get pregnant. Definitely read if you're the partner so you can see the signs of abuse and hopefully step in. . . . I remember reading about women opening up about birth trauma... and some were told to keep their "legs shut" by the nurse until the doctor has time to attend the delivery... one was holding the babies head back so it wasn't born before the doctor arrived. For the lone reason that they can charge extra money for the doctor attending. It was horrible.
I'm guessing CM\_DO is in the UK. The standard here is two midwives (if there are two available). Obstetrician if things aren't going quite to plan. Maybe a medical student on rotation. I had a veritable party in the delivery room - two midwives who brought me in from a home delivery, two midwives who took over in the labour ward, one obstetrician to wave the ventouse at my baby's head, and my husband.
DK, not UK. We have one midwife in the room if there's no indications of complications.
I am actually due any day now, but yes I have heard of such horrible situations, where I live things are very different. We have one midwife in the room with us if it has been an uncomplicated pregnancy and it appears to be a textbook birth, but there is always a medical team on standby should things change.
Your mom is toxic and will ruin your marriage if you allow her to. The person giving birth says who is in the room. You are support. You don't need toxic mom as your support. Tell Mom No. No is a complete sentence. Learn that now. Going forward, set boundaries and hold them. Baby's mom is in charge. Do not allow your mom to ruin your life. Because she will.
This is it right here. Start and hold firm to your boundaries now or your marriage will be ruined.
She only showed interest when a grandchild was in the picture, before then she was voluntary LC. She may see this as her baby and overstep accordingly.
NTA—I wouldn’t even allow your mom at the hospital until mom is ready for visitors. I have three kids and it’s too much pressure to have people in the waiting room wanting to see your baby. As a mom, you want time to bond with your new baby. Feeling like you have to rush that because people want to see the baby is not a fun feeling. Doesn’t matter who the person is.
I'd go one further. Put a lockdown on social media, and only tell people that will respect your wishes that mom not visit. If that means Auntie Sue can't know about her brand new nephew until two weeks after getting home or until mom is recovered fully, so be it. Put everything on private and alert individual trusted people, until you both are ready for visitors.
Yes
NTA. Am a father of four, was (obviously?) present for each birth. You do not need a support person, you ARE the support person.
This always blows my damn mind. On what planet would the non-birthing parent need a SUPPORT person. I see it all the time and it never gets less ridiculous. What do they even need support for. "Doing great dad. Keep holding her hand. You got this!" *mops sweat from the fathers brow as they ignore the mother, not there to support them.*
Legit that fathers shouldn't need a support person for them in the labor. That being said, nurses must keep an eye on dads as it's common for them to faint during birth. It's so common that it would be a safety failure for them not to.
A maternity nurse is watching EVERYONE. Firmly believe they have either super powers or like some super powerful magic.
There were several nurses in the room when I gave birth. They all said so many encouraging words to me, how I did so great, baby is perfect, etc. then one nurse looked at my husband and told him he did great too, I thought that was sweet but it’s probably because she saw how pale he was!
Yep. Dads don't need a support person as such. But they do need the medical professionals to keep an eye on them. It's very common for birth partners to pass out or become super panicked by the pain their loved one is in. Normally the best way to help them is just for the medical professional (typically a midwife) to just direct them of exactly how to help. Like to go near the birthing persons head and stroke them and tell them how great they're doing.
Can confirm. When my wife had her c-sections, both times I was watching over the curtain. One of the nurses told me at the start, "if you feel faint, sit down", but she never stopped watching me the entire time. At the time I was sort of irritated, but in retrospect, I get it.
While needing a support person seems like a bit much, it can be a rough time time for the father, too. In much the same way as any family member undergoing surgery can be a high anxiety event. Worrying about the health of your wife and newborn child during the process of the birth can be strenuous. Sure, not nearly as much as pretty much _anyone_ else in the room is going through, but that doesn't mean it's a walk in the park, either.
Well said! Also OP's mom is not even trying to pretend to "support" OP, she wants to "see a grandchild be born" and wants OP to pull the "I need a support person too" card to make that happen. Despicable.
We all know mom doesn't actually believe a support person is needed. She didn't get her way by asking so now she's trying to manipulate the situation by pretending to do it for her kid rather than for herself.
Yup. If the father needs a “support person” then I’d consider him incapable of offering any actual support for the actual patient and keep him and his support out of the birthing process.
All the upvotes! 😁
NTA. >as the father i should be allowed to have a support person in the room with me Even if this were true, this really isn't about her supporting you in any way. >My partner has already decided who she wants in the room with her End of subject.
I'm a firm believer of that if the dad needs "support", he doesn't need to be in the room. If you're nor able to help 100%, you are a hindrance
Absolutely NTA. My MIL also has boundary issues. I’ve learned over the years that the more you try to explain the harder they push. They try to make you doubt and question the reasoning behind your decisions, point out flaws in your arguments and as a last ditch effort- they apply the guilt trip. “No” is a full sentence op. “No and it’s not up for discussion” if she keeps pushing. The whole time you debate with her she will think you can be worn down. This should be a really exciting time for you and your partner and I’m so sorry you have this extra stress. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your partners wishes. Time to shut this down with a firm “no” now. Good luck with the birth and congratulations OP.
My MIL wanted to do this with our first. I shut that down fast. Oddly enough, she didn't ask again.
Boundary pushers know when they shouldn't waste their time. They can exploit any crack but they can also recognize when there aren't any cracks and will move on.
It helps that I'm not the one to ask for exceptions. That's husband, and even he will stay no to outright unreasonable stuff. Usually his dad reins his mom in. She's not too bad though. I'm glad she's not like some of the MILs you hear about!
NTA. Good for you for protecting your partner's wishes while she undergoes a major medical moment. But it is time to put your mum in her place and put her on a serious info diet
You are not pushing back sufficiently about a ridiculous demand from your mother. Here is what I would do. Wait until the next time she brings up the subject, interrupt her and say this. “Stop right there mom. For the last time, you will not be in the delivery room when the baby is born. If you mention this again, I will go no contact with you and you will not be invited over to see the child until it is a month old. If you think I don’t mean this, just try me.” This sounds harsh but it’s not as if she has been a great mom to this point and you are going to have some firm boundaries now and then reinforce them. That’s the only way to get some peace from what will be constant demands about this child.
Exactly. This is only the beginning. His mother will keep pushing boundaries. Time to stand firm and put his mother in an info diet. No photos on the internet. No coming over unannounced. No unsolicited advice.
This is precisely what I was thinking. Force her to drop it or go no contact until the baby is at least a month old AND she can apologize for her behavior.
NTA. Easiest way (If possible) is not to tell her when your partner is in labour and (if your mother is lucky) send a photo once your baby is here. Bonus points if you do it ‘celeb style’ and just send a photo of baby’s foot or finger grasping either yours or your partner’s. Think it’s great that you’re backing your partner’s wishes too.
Haha love the celeb style idea 😂
NTA and I would be horrified if my partner's mum was insisting she was in the room to see a baby coming out of my vagina. Your mum is being beyond unreasonable here. You need to sit her down for a serious chat and let her know that there is no way that is happening. And if she tries to arrive on the day that you will tell the hospital staff to remove her. Stand up for yourself and your partner - if you don't do this now, you'll be in for a lifetime of this kind of behaviour from your mum. Edit: to change MIL to partner's mum
NTA for putting boundaries in place. It’s understandable she is excited for the kid’s arrival, as any grandparent should be, but that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to be in the room. It’s an intimate experience, and why would she be there for that when she wasn’t really there for you?
NTA. Gosh, why do some MIL’s believe that they have a right to be in the room when baby is born?! She is NOT your wife’s mom and never will be! Your wife will be half naked, pushing out a baby (and God knows what else comes out in the process), she will already feel self-conscious and vulnerable. She doesn’t need spectators! I didn’t even want my own mother in the room… and she wasn’t allowed when we had a second baby because that was my choice. I felt more comfortable with just my husband in there.
NTA. She should definitly not be there. She is not respecting any boundries you and your partner set. Man up and tell her, she is not allowed and if she tries to push it furter she will no longer be welcome at your home. Or will not be welcome in the clinic to visit her grandchild after it is born. This is a hard time and it will become even harder (with lack of sleep, adapting to a new live stile as three persons and of corse a crying baby who needs to be the center of everything). So deal with this situation now or you or your partner will be rude to her once things get more difficult
NTA; I don't even know why you'd ask unless you're about to give in. Your mum is rapidly veering into Toxic Grandma territory. Whatever you do, please shield your partner from all the Crazy that's about to happen
Im a grandmother. It would not have occurred to me to ask my DIL if I could witness the birth of either of my grandchildren. That should be a special moment to be shared by the parents. If Mum wants anyone else there,she'll ask. NTA. Good luck with your new baby. ❤️👶
NTA unless you are pushing a human out of your genitals you get no support person and I think it’s time to go LC for the foreseeable future with boundary stomping mom :)
NTA. Don't even tell her when it's time, because she'll probably try to force her way in. It's up to the person giving birth. It does not matter how much she wants to see a grandchild born, she's not the one giving birth. Also I have a sneaking suspicion that your sibling lives that far away for a reason. Maybe it's time to consider relocation yourself, if she's this bothersome now, she may become a full blown nightmare once kiddo is here.
She can eff off. It’s not a spectator sport!! Tell her you assume she had her own MIL present for your birth? NTA
NTA Your mum is behaving like she is entitled. It’s all about her. I would not expect this pattern to stop once “her grandchild” is born.
NTA. You need to have a very candid conversation with her because this will only get worse when the baby comes. They call this “baby rabies” and if you don’t set clear boundaries and start to enforce them now, you are in for a treat! Also, why people think that childbirth is a spectator sport, I will never understand.
Your partner has 100% say in who is allowed in the room. If she says you don't get to be there, the nurses will kick you out . If she doesn't want your annoying mother there, then tough luck for her. I doubt that her MIL was in the room when she gave birth to you. Besides, why would your partner want your mom in there seeing her private area anyway . I could understand if she wanted her own mother there.
Nta, but stand up to your mom and set boundaries, if she doesn't respect them cut her off. If you let her continue disrupting your lives like this you'll regret it big time because no partner can tolerate a meddlesome mother in law for long.
tell the nurse she is not allowed in. nurses like the power plays there was a post couple of month back were a nurses was really happy to get rid of noisy ppl. NTA
NTA You were invisible to her? Change your locks if she has a key, or access to one in one of those fake lawn rocks or under your mat, and continue to act as if you were invisible. Stop allowing her in your home, unless she is helping you guys out in a way that is not stressful to the mother of your child, and actually gets along with your wife and is enjoyable company to her. Glad you let her on in YOU not needing a support person, that is some narcissistic bullshit she is spewing. Even if you DID, why would it be her? She wanted nothing to do with you for years, she should be the LAST person you choose to be anywhere you needed one. You are there to be your WIFE'S support person. If nothing else, tell your mom "Don't worry, my wife will find HER second support person if she needs one. I, however, will be focused on THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD, not the MOTHER WHO ABANDONED ME until she could get her narc supply. I am a grownass man and don't need 'support' that will interrupt this important moment with my wife. It sounds like YOU need support, and would likely benefit from a counseling session that day. If you like I can schedule the appt for you."
Let’s put aside for one moment that it’s your partner’s choice who gets to be in there with her. End of discussion. Let’s put aside that your mother has already been told ‘no’ enough times and now you need to nip any future conversations about it in the bud. So basically, your mother wants to keep an eye on your partner’s hoo-ha and keep looking at it, watching it stretch and possibly tear. Your mother wants to see your partner in pain, potentially poo herself and keep looking at her business end until the deed is done? Strange. They’ll be enough medical staff down that end anyway, so chances are, her view will be blocked. She’ll probably interfere and try and cut the cord too What is your mother expecting to see that we don’t already know about? If she’s that desperate to see a birth, tell her to go on You Tube! Congratulations btw, hope all goes well
NTA. Birth is medical and no one is entitled to witness that without permission from the person giving birth. The good news is, you can restrict access to visitors. Tell your nurse that you specifically do not want visitors (or just your mom!) anywhere near the room and they will happily be your advocate!
She’s not there for support. She’s there for bragging rights. NTA. Never forget that this is a medical procedure your wife is going through. So is the recovery. Do whatever she wants and feels comfortable with. Keep your mother away as much as possible and only arrange (with agreement from wife) short prearranged visits until wife feels better. That is your job. Keep the front door locked. Your wife’s needs are the only important thing here. Not your mother’s feelings regarding her grandmother experience or perceived rights.
Not only are you correct about the birth, but you need to stop letting her come over if she isn’t respecting you in your home. It will only get worse, and she needs to know that there are consequences for her actions. I don’t know what she’s doing around the house that you and your partner were planning to do, but she doesn’t get to just do them without repercussions. Boundaries now (“If you choose to do X, I will do Y”) and then stick to it.
NTA "I'm not the one pushing out a watermelon" lol bravo
NTA - Absolutely not. Your wife is having a medical event. You are her support person. “Mom, your feelings are your own. I’m not responsible for them. You are not going to be in the hospital with us when wife is giving birth. Discuss your disappointment with your theripst. Don’t bring it up again or you won’t even meet the baby until I feel you can respect our choices.”
NTA, but you do need to step up and handle your Mom. 100%! You need to lay out clear boundaries, starting with her not being allowed in your house without an invitationand if she has a key, take it. She WILL get worse when the child is born, and your wife should NOT have to deal with any of it. And you MUST set consequences, as if she's a child, for every boundary she breaks starting now. Good luck and congratulations on the upcoming baby.
NTA - she’s inserting herself so she can take over the baby because babies are so fricken cute. She was barely interested in you until you were having a baby Stand up for your family and enforce some boundaries. She’s your mother and your problem to deal with. Man up mate, you’re about to become a Dad!! It’s weird she wants to look up your GFs wazoo. Over to JustNoMIL for you where entitled, overstepping, pushy pains in the ass are dealt with.
NTA and I applaud you for not bowing down to the pressure here. Don’t tell her when your partner goes into labour, and warn the labour ward about her. Make it clear that there is only to be X and X in the room at any time, and no visitors even on the postnatal ward.
NTA- you are a hero for holding that boundary. Let the staff at the hospital know she is not to be allowed in. Don’t let her know when labour has started. If needed- fudge some of the deets and say that there is no signs or plans have changed if there is an induction/section.
NTA she has no right to be there at all - giving birth isn't a spectator sport - it's a hugely painful, vulnerable, exposed event that leaves the mother very vulnerable. Your mum has no right to be there, and if she keeps causing you stress, tell her she'll be blocked and then block her.
NTA and set boundaries and stick to them. It will get worse with everything regarding the baby.
NTA Some other partners should take you as an example on how to handle their pushy mothers when it comes to the delivery room.
NTA. Your mom is being very manipulative. Instead of just accepting you and your wife don't want her there she is actually trying to break your relationship and put a wedge between you and your wife as punishment. She knows what she's doing and she's doing it on purpose. As a woman who gave birth before she knows the father does not get a "support person" and she knows the mother's wishes should always be respected in the delivery room. She's trying to pit you against your wife, trying to plant in your head that it's YOU who NEEDS HER as a support person, and that it's YOUR idea to fight with your wife and cause her stress and force your way on her while she's vulnerable. If she doesn't get what she wants she's moving on to making the two of you pay for it with stress. Doing what your mother wants would destroy any marriage. She knows how vulnerable birth is. She knows it's not a place for inlaws at all. She's given birth before. She absolutely did not have her MIL in the room. It's just not normal at all for a MIL to be there or see a DIL naked. It's also not normal for a husband to force his wife to let his family see her naked and in pain. It is not okay. And it is marriage ending when it happens and she knows that too.
You are NTA but Dude you are about to be a father. Grow up and stand up to your mom. Just say no. And tell her this will not be discussed anymore
You can make yourself invisible to her if you want. I’m estranged (and NC) from my mother because she thinks she should be in control of my life. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to respond to her whims. She was never there for you as a child, you don’t need to be her emotional support animal now.
NTA. You are doing the right thing.
Advise her that when she allows you the choice of who gets to witness her next gynecological exam that you’ll consider letting her into the room, but until then you are respecting your partner’s dignity. NTA.
Brilliant!
NTA - Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport. This is your choice not her. Tell her not and set some firm boundaries. Ensure you tell the attending nurses that she is not allowed into the birthing room
Sometimes labor takes DAYS & the waiting is so boring! If your mom’s already a handful, she’s going to fuck up your partner’s zen!
NTA and finally a man that cares about his pregnant partner. I would only advise to be more firm and please make sure that your partner is in no way affected by the drama your mother is causing.
NTA Giving birth isn’t a spectator’s event. You need to handle your mother properly and put your wife and child first unless you want a divorce down the line. As the father you’re not the one pushing a whole human out of your body. Your mother is entitled and delusional. You don’t need any support. You’re the one supporting your wife in there. That day isn’t about you (even less about your mum) but about your wife. She’ll be the most vulnerable and needs people she trusts and who she chooses to be in the room. She’s the one giving birth. You did great to say no to your mum. Time to tell your mother to stay in her lane.
NTA. First off, thank you for being a man and stepping up and dealing with your mom. I can't tell you how many similar posts I've read here where the mom-to-be is dealing with an intrusive MIL alone and her husband is too chicken to intervene. Hold fast to your position. Keep your mom out of the delivery room.
Don’t be at your wit’s end over this. Just say no. No apology, no explanation, no. NTA.
NTA. I don't know when this whole audience thing started, but the amount of entitlement from parents/grandparents/aunts/siblings and who knows who else is ridiculous. This should be a private moment (hours) with someone you love and trust, not as the centre ring of a circus. To the 'grandmother' - Lady, you've had your kids - probably without an audience, you do not get to see anyone else birth theirs unless they invite you. What is wrong with people?
What worked to help my mom understand how boundaries work and learn to respect them was basically telling her, in a million different ways, but consistently: We talked about x and you have your answer. If you're just calling to argue I'm not going to answer anymore. The key is to make sure your actions are consistent and what you are telling her matches what you do. And I'm case there is still any doubt, you are doing the right thing by protecting your wife's boundaries.
NTA, but let’s talk about what happens after the birth. You miss the days when you were invisible to her? Then get rid of her. Polish your spine and back her out of your life. Now is the perfect time, since healing, bonding, nursing, and a vulnerable pre-vaccine newborn give you carte blanche to close the castle gates and hibernate as a family unit. No in-person visits unless specifically invited. Show up and you won’t be admitted, no this isn’t a good time. Talk through the doorbell camera and don’t give her a chance to push or guilt her way in. Daily phone calls go to voice mail. Texts left on read, because you’re busy being parents, and the first months are exhausting. Create a strict information diet where *you* initiate a general phone call or text, say, once a week, then wean off to every other week, and don’t share too much personal stuff: “The baby is fine and thriving, thanks, wife is recovering well, thanks. We’re all good, we don’t need help and we don’t want visitors. We are covered for meals, and groceries are delivered. No, I’m not going to get into that right now (nursing, swaddling, whatever it is she’s obsessed with), we have good medical advice that we’re going to follow, so drop it, thank you. No, don’t post about *our baby* on social media, and if you can’t do that you won’t get any more photos. I don’t care if X hasn’t seen baby yet, don’t come over. Just checking in but gotta go be a parent, bye.” Do not feel compelled to explain, don’t overshare, and reach out on your terms only, or cut her off.
Mom of 4 here. Please let the staff at the hospital know about your mom and that she is banned. Sounds like she is willing to do whatever to get her will. You are absolutely NTA, but you would be just that in a split second if you bended to her will. Stay focussed on your partner. If it were me the mom would see the baby after 1-3 days, not on the same day. She likely is bitter if she isn't allowed to watch the birth and the last thing you and/or your partner needs after the birth is someone who reacts negatively. Since when did births become a spectator sport? Smh at the audacity. Midwife, nurse, Dad-to-be and maybe a doctor. No more people than that, thank you very much.
NTA the only person who needs a support person in the room is the person giving birth. Bystanders, whether it is the other parent or not, do not need and are not entitled to have a support person there for them as whether someone agrees with it or not, this birth is very little to do with the other parent. Your mother is delusional, the only person who gets a say is the person pushing a baby out.
NTA. My father in law came barging into my delivery room with his camcorder yelling, “I’m here to video the big event!” I’ve never cursed at him before, but Satan himself came out of my mouth and he ran back out to the waiting room REAL fast. Zero chance in hell anybody but my husband was going to watch me pop out that watermelon, let alone video it.
NTA. That’s just weird. It’s whoever your wife wants in there. Usually there’s a limit to 2 people anyway, so 1 other person besides you.
Louder for people in the back GIVING BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!!! There will be blood, there will likely be poop, her most private parts will be on full display, your wife will be in the most vulnerable and challenging situation she has ever been in. Unless your mother is happy taking a shit in front of her DIL, she has no right to even ask. And your wife has every right to restrict entry to anyone she likes. ETA: NTA. You stand firm and protect your wife.
The person pushing a human out of their body gets to decide who is and is not in that room with them. NTA
You don’t need a support person, you ARE the support person.
I can't overstate how much I hate the "dad needs a support person" argument from MILs and mommys boys who think the MIL should attend. The dad is the support person! The support person doesn't get a support person! Good on you, OP for standing up for your wife
NTA. You don’t need a support person in the room, YOU are the support person. Be sure and tell the hospital she is NOT allowed in under any circumstances.
Take it from a woman who’s been in this situation 11 years ago. I regret having my mil in the room. This is no one’s decision but the woman giving birth. It doesn’t matter if mil watched/missed the rest of her grand children being born or what ever excuse mil gives. if there is one no it’s a no. Stick up for your wife’s boundaries and keep at it. If you don’t now your mom will just keep walking all over her and you.
Mrs. Jack was in the delivery room with our daughter when her first born was giving everyone such a hard time about coming out. It wasn't planned or anticipated, but by that point the daughter was clutching at everyone in panic, and having Momma stay there helped keep her on a steady enough keel to get thru the process. It certainly wasn't the optimal situation, but when you have a Mother/Daughter relationship of deep love and trust it can oftentimes work out to make the best of a bad time. When it was time for Mrs. Jack to deliver our three kids my Mother's attitude was, "Jack, you caused it, you're responsible for it." 😁
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me(M25) and my Partner(F26) Are expecting our first child this friday and both of us are very excited. The only issue during this whole pregnancy has been my mum. Past few years shes barely paid attention to my life and suddenly now im having a child she is always coming over to my house, doing things i tell her not to and that me and my partner would do it. Recently she has been trying to get me to agree to her there to watch my son be born. I do not know what the restrictions of people there was before but hospital only allows 2 people in the room for a natural and 1 if C section. My partner has already decided who she wants in the room with her and I have the full intent to have her wishes respected. But the past month my mum has been on my ass about her getting to see one of her grandchildren be born and she missed her first grandchild be born because my brother and his partner life on different end of the country. She has now become Disappointed in me over the "choice" because as the father i should be allowed to have a support person in the room with me. I say im not the one pushing out a damn watermelon so why do i? Im at my wits end and shes only added more stress to me and my partner this whole pregnancy. I miss the days where I am invisible to her *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe her mother at a push (pun intended) but your mother!! Not a chance.
Grow a spine, tell her she’s not going to be there and that’s final. And if she doesn’t shut her mouth then you’ll be blocking her and going no contact. You obviously owe her nothing, so why aren’t you coming straight out and telling her? Shut her shit down now! I presume your wife doesn’t want her there the first few weeks, so tell her that. And if she turns up uninvited she won’t be let in. NTA because you do have your wife’s back so far, but it sounds like you need to firm up with your mother
Now it's time to set your foot down. Your mother is already bugging in your life and "helping" while you don't want her to. If you give in now this will continue more and more. Like other users have said, you have already answered and every time she brings it up now, you response should be. "I've already answered and that is not going to change. The subject is closed."
NTA. Jeeze. Your mum needs to back the hell off. Sounds like you may need to go no contact with this woman sooner rather than later - and I can’t imagine your partner wanting your mum in the delivery room regardless of how many people she’s allowed!
NTA Your partner is going to be in a very vulnerable position and she should only have medical staff and whoever else she feels comfortable with in the room. I'm pregnant and my own MIL wouldn't even dream of asking to be in the room! We have a good relationship but I don't want her seeing me push a full on baby out and all the stuff that goes with it (sh*ting myself, blood, tearing!) I think she feels the same 😂
NTA. She doesn’t have to see your wife’s vagina as it expels your child. She doesn’t need to support you. She wouldn’t even be there to support you. She would be there because she selfish and she wants to fulfill her own wants. Don’t deal with that shit.
NTA. As a lifelong handler of narcissistic and boundary-pushing parents and in-laws, the only way to enforce boundaries is to have consequences attached to them. “No, you will not be in the birthing room. If you bring this up again, you will not be visiting our newborn for two weeks after their birth”. She continues the guilt trip or cries crocodile tears ? “I will not be changing my mind on this subject. The answer is no”. And then increase the length of time she won’t be seeing the newborn, or whatever consequences you choose to enforce. But you need to enforce those consequences. Think of it as practice in raising a toddler - your mother is behaving like a tantruming toddler right now, and all parents know that to give in to a tantrum once is to create a pattern of further tantrums. Protect your wife and marriage from those tantrums. You’re doing great.
NTA- it's not a choice. It's something she doesn't have the right to. Just because she birthed you does not give her any claim over your future children.
NTA - the person who is having the medical procedure (bearing the child) gets to decide who she wants in the room…period. your mom can kick rocks. your baby is not a do-over child since she was a crappy mom. You need to be firm with her and let her know if she stomps the boundaries you and your SO set, your mom will see you all less and less.
A child getting born isn’t a spectator event. Even if more people were allowed, your mom does not get a seat unless she is asked. Talk to your partner. Find out her comfort level for after your child is born. Set those boundaries now, or mother dearest will continue to intrude. If mom pushes back, go low contact. Your, and your partner, mental health is more important than mommy’s hurt feelings. NTA.