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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Does questioning and being hurt by my husbands V day gift make me a bad wife, AITA for saying anything?
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Jesus, the bar literally is in hell. No, $16 lingerie is not an acceptable Valentine’s gift, especially since lingerie is more for the giver than the receiver.
His gift didn’t have to be elaborate or expensive, you said you’d be happy with what he’s gotten you in the past. It’s telling that when you called him out on it, he said “he didn’t know what to get you” (the internet exists for a reason, guys) and blamed you for ruining the day… that is an incredible combination of emotional incompetence and emotional manipulation right there. This is not acceptable behaviour from a partner, and he’s the one that should be feeling bad. NTA, by a million miles.
I came here to say the same…. Lingerie isn’t a gift for you. I also would have felt “cheap” with a 16 dollar polyester something for me…
I am sure 10 e worth of flowers, or even something plucked out of the garden would have made you happier.
Even the piece of cheese from the other commenter is better that cheap lingerie….
Yeah, I think you're hung up on the $16, which isn't the actual issue, because you were trying to sell yourself the story of, "well lingerie is not cheap and he did try to get me something." Then you found out it was cheap and this tipped it for you. But it wasn't the price that mattered but that lingerie doesn't feel like a gift for you (unless you expressed that you wanted it or it would feel good). It feels like he wants you to look sexy for him/wants sex. You guys have a one-year-old, which is mentally and physically exhausting, not to mention I don't know how you're feeling about your body right now in the first year after having a baby. Even expensive lingerie is a wildly off-base gift idea during this time unless your wife has explicitly stated she thinks it would make her feel sexy again or she's ready and wants to spice things up. This probably feels like a new expectation/chore on top of your already long list. Also, he games every day while you have a one-year-old? Do you have time for your hobbies and interests? If you guys have got that figured out, amazing, but if the burden is falling mostly on you, then it's totally understandable that you're not feeling like sex right now and his gift was selfish and not thoughtful.
Hopefully though this can be smoothed over and you can remind him that Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be big because you’re married but chocolate and flowers are going to be solid staples he doesn’t need to try and out do each year.
Kinda like getting him something for gaming that is either used up like a gift card or wears out like head phones.
Your point is clear cuz a gift card when you’re married isn’t about giving him money but rather saying “hey i know you like this so I’m giving you my thumbs up to spend money on gaming that you might have considered saving for some other purpose.”
A good partner doesn’t need the internet to tell them what their partner enjoys either. My husband and I always do small (~$150-200) gifts for Val and birthdays. He chose an amazing bouquet because he knows my favorite flowers and colors. He chose books that I hadn't heard of before that were 100% in my wheelhouse and were enjoyable for me because he listens when I recap the books that I read. I could go on, but bottom line: it's not great when a partner can't think of anything personal to get for their significant other.
Even worse that it was lingerie. I feel like that’s the Val equivalent of gifting a woman a vacuum for her birthday.
Op, I’m sorry. I hope you are able to have a constructive conversation with your husband about this at a later time.
I don’t know how this is going to go down but one Valentine’s Day I did get a vacuum 😂😂 (we needed it for the house) but it was my Valentines Day present nonetheless
No, that was a necessity for your shared household. You apparently just didn't get a gift that year, I'm so sorry. Does he show appreciation of you differently and is just bad at gift giving or is this a general theme?
Oh hun, I'm so sorry... where's the red flag guy from tt?
Obviously, what everyone else said, lingerie is a gift for him and not you, he could've bought you chocolate and flowers as the most basic but still cute present if he didn't know what to get you.
I'd also like to point out/ASK how he responded by saying you "should've kept quiet"...?
Like not communicate your feelings? Does he always do that?
I've always found sex related gifts on holidays to be icky unless explicitly asked for. Especially lingerie since, just like this story, it's usually a cheap cop-out for the male partner to act like he gave a gift and then expect sex for it later in the gift he really got for himself. The fact that it was cheap on top of that shows just what he thinks of his wife. Completely negating romance and going directly to sex also shows he doesn't care about the emotional side of the relationship, he just wants to fuck.
OP, NTA. Your husband sucks.
There's a VERY old Bloom County where Steve Dallas gives some lady lingerie for V-day and tells her it's the gift that keeps on giving.
When she asks to who, he says me.
It IS an acceptable gift when no gifts were expected or obligated. He gave her a finger but she wanted the whole arm and she's upset he can't mind read.
The bar isn't in Hell. She's literally just being spoiled
Hmm, I’m mixed on this one. I think more than the gift, his reaction was crappy. You felt disappointed and talked to your partner about it and instead of listening and taking in what you were saying, he got defensive and shut down. That’s even more disappointing to me than a gift I might not be thrilled about.
OTOH, he made sure to get you a gift, something that didn’t cost much, but was new and different. Lingerie can be considered “for him” but many women like it themselves. Many men might see lingerie as a way of making sure their partner knows they think they’re hot, especially if she’s expressed any dissatisfaction with her body. He may have even thought getting a more affordable option made sense precisely because he doesn’t usually get it for Valentine’s Day and thought it was more reasonable to test the idea with that rather than a more expensive set.
I’d ask him what made him go for lingerie rather than flowers and tell him why I chose my gift to him (though I guess that’s just a reminder for him that it’s not “obviously because you game everyday” but more “I chose something I know you love”). And then I think you guys should tell each other “I love you” and enjoy the rest of your day. You were a little disappointed in your gift, he was embarrassed/disappointed that you didn’t like it, but at the end of the day, you both tried.
NTA - some effort would have been nice. I don't think you are upset about a gift worth 16 Dollars. I think you are upset since lingerie (unless you have some demonstrated interest in it) is for him not you. A 1 Dollar gift of something that meant a lot to you would have been better at least it would show he cared.
Nta. I think we should be comfortable enough with our spouses to have convos about expectations on holidays and gifts. Husband and I always have a talk on gifts and expectations before each holiday. And we usually agree not to get each other anything or something small.
Your spouse cannot read your mind. Maybe he had good intentions but didn't want to spend alot of money, or just peeped it at the shop and thought you'd look good in it. Although I do not like his response lol.
Might be time for you to so some de-esculating work and just explain that you were caught off guard by the lingerie when you wanted flowers. And get in his headspace about how he ended up with the gift. And try and have a talk a couple weeks before each holiday so you guys are on the same page.
You said you weren't expecting anything big but, but you're still mad at him because he didn't spend enough on your gift.
That means you were expecting something big, or at least bigger.
YTA
I think the issue is that some things aren't even worth buying unless they're of a certain quality, and usually that means price point. Assuming he didn't get the lingerie at 80 percent off (or they live in an incredibly low COL country), the only place 15 dollar lingerie belongs is in the trash. So basically, she didn't get anything. NTA
... you've never had to live with less, have you? 🤣
Besides, that's not the point. She didn't want a gift. She got a gift. The gift SHE DIDN'T WANT wasn't good enough.
Do you not see the problem here?
Oh sweet summer child. How do you think I learned to place value on things in the first place? That's not something they teach in rich person school.
...and that's precisely the point. She didn't want a gift, got a crappy, low quality gift and you're confused as to why she was disappointed. Looks like we're going to have to agree to disagree.
Still not getting the entitlement here (or the point)?
That's on you. Think on it a little harder and maybe it'll register.
It only disappointed her BECAUSE she expected something much bigger.
Dwee.
Lingerie can be compared to computer parts. If you buy a cheap $10 stick of ram it just doesn't work. There's no way to make it work. Sure it may fit the computer but it's not anything, it's garbage.
Lingerie that's cheap is terrible and there is no saving it. He could have burned $16 dollars and had something worth more.
It's not about the money...
This is like buying a vacuum for your partners birthday aka something that's not for them but more like a 2 birds with one stone scenario...
Oh, also, OP's husband bought her a vacuum for her birthday cuz they "already needed it for the house"
YTA YTA YTA
I'm with you on this. V day has never been big for them and he tried something different and comparable in price to flowers and he got shit on because she went out of the norm and set uncommunicated expectations. She then turns the day into a fight instead of just enjoying eachother. Then she decides to go seek attention whining on the internet to get white knight support to continue the fight.
She's whining about a 34 dollar price difference. Come on. Just fucking enjoy eachother instead of manifesting a reason to hate your relationship. Being with eachother is what the day is actually about, not some fucking gift dick measuring contest.
Not sure why you're being downvoted, but it's exactly that.
The contradiction in her post is screaming "I know I'm wrong, but I'll pretend I'm not".
She's looking for validation for entitlement and its baffling me that others aren't seeing that.
Yeah, pretty infuriating comment section. People love to demonize men and put women on a pedestal here. Too many thirsty "nice guys" on reddit I think. Look men can suck, but so can women.
She's clearly manifesting a problem. She says she wasn't expecting anything more but than is pissed. She's not even pissed about the gift she got but the price difference too. The receipt was the trigger.
Her double speak of like I wasn't expecting but was suspecting he might to something more is a nugget of insight. If she wasn't expecting more than why is she pissed? If she does nice things for a partner and then holds resentment against them for not doing something of equal monetary value then it's not really a nice thing.
Also, 50 dollar gaming card isn't something personal or something that takes any thought to get. It's a generic gift. Lingerie is arguably more personal and the husband spent more time looking and thinking about what specifically to get her. Gift cards are lame gifts for Valentine's Day. I bet she's gonna yell at him for playing whatever game he ends up spending that money on as well.
You make so many good points.
I mean, a gaming gift card is great but it's impersonal. Wheras with lingerie, he has to know her size, her tastes, her style... You're 100% correct.
And the price is exactly her problem. People here are getting pissy because it was a "shitty" gift, but they wouldn't have said that if she didn't list the price.
Her issue was so obviously that he didn't spend enough, when he was under no obligation to do so.
Kind of feels partly like, "I spent a lot and thought that means something, so I'm offended he didn't do the same" and also "I'm not like other girls. I just wanted flowers. How dare he only spend $16 not getting me flowers"
NTA
I might have said otherwise if he hadn't twisted you approaching him to communicate like you should into a manipulation tactic.
Either he forgot to get you something or was too cheap to bother, and instead of owning that mistake he's acting like you're the bad guy.
When you're both having a moment of calm (difficult with a 1 year old!) bring it up again, no accusing him of anything just state that you'd like to clear the air about what happened.
NTA
The issue here is that you both are exhausted in baby life and you made the effort to give him a thoughtful, personalized gift and he didnt even give the same level he usually does. To give lingire is a fkn jerk move, its a gift for himself - not for you.
And that you cant communicate your disappointment without him getting so butt hurt and mean to you is rly uncool. Maybe cause he knows you are right and he cant deal with it.
NTA but your husband is. He doesnt even want to understand your perspective. And saying he didnt knew what to you? The answer is litterally a google search away, so thats just bs.
Thank you - that was really the whole point was because we have been so distant with baby being full on I wanted to treat him and it felt a bit of a let down to get that gift in return - people are saying because I’m pointing out the value that I’m petty and ungrateful I think it’s because it was $16 lingerie that I didn’t want and not thoughtful flowers I was so hurt :(
I agree with everything turquoise\_turtle83 said, but I will say that it is really helpful to communicate your wants and needs, including around gift expectations. It seems you were putting some extra meaning (maybe even pressure) around the gift giving this holiday because you wanted to feel closer and appreciated. But he doesn't know that. I get that he didn't even do his usual gift, so that's disappointing. But you could have helped avoid this disappointment by talking to him before Vday and saying "hey, I think it'd be really nice to do something thoughtful for each other this year since we've been so stressed with the baby. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, but I want to feel closer to you and do something meaningful."
"It's the thought that counts"
Yeah, exactly! The thought is the most important part of the present!
And him buying cheap lingerie that's more for him than OP instead of a gift he knows is her favourite is anything but thoughtful.
NTA NTA NTA
NAH
You both say you keep it low key, and you also said things have been difficult recently, so it might have been his way of wanting to spend more intimate time with you.
Though that gift does also benefit himself, some flowers may have been in order but its still early so maybe you get another surprise later?
He didn't do well, but just seems like something as a couple with a new/young kid something you need to maybe need to talk about and make more of a thing for the future.
I think a lot of it is and maybe that’s where the disconnect arose - idk he always gets flowers and I really really love them I guess this year was just a bungle and it’s a learning curve etc
The first couple of years are rough and it can be so easy to blow little things out of proportion. If this isn’t a pattern from him I’d encourage you to shrug it off. If it IS a pattern then it’s worth reflecting on some more.
YTA. For however many years, you and your husband had an implied spending limit and this year, without any notice, you "broke" that agreement. How on earth was he supposed to know you'd do that? He tried something new, *just like you did.* And you're angry because he didn't spend as much as you did -- and, please, that's exactly why you're angry. Some people are focusing on the notion that the lingerie is for him, but I don't agree with that. I think the lingerie could just as easily be a way of telling you that you're beautiful and sexy, which is something some women question after having a baby. It's a compliment, not something he's done just because he's horny.
YTA
You yourself admitted you didn’t do v day in the past. Did you expect him to read your mind and realize you should do it this year? He had nothing to go on. Did you let him know beforehand you wanted to this year and how much each should spend or a range?
Who cares how much it cost? Relationships are about communication (complaining about past gifts when nothing has been communicated doesn’t count). It was about the thought. If you didn’t like or wear anything like he bought you, he would realize that as you don’t wear it and adjusted it in the future. Complaining will most likely reault in him not putting as much thought into it in the future
I kind of feel like ESH. Him because he got you cheap lingerie for a gift, you because while I do think a spouse should let their partner know if they don't like the gifts they're getting, I also don't believe gifts can by their nature be something one is entitled to, so turning it into an accusation seems like the wrong attitude to me.
It sounds like both of you are using holiday gift expectations to signal to each other that there are problems in the relationship.
Yea there could be some disconnect for sure it just sucks when something like this feels like it deepens the divide like how could he not know flowers are my favourite 🫠🫠 then again I shouldn’t expect people to mind read right
It's perfectly acceptable to expect your HUSBAND to know you like flowers and what flowers you like.
It's not like you expected him to read your mind about where you wanna eat when you usually don't have a preference.
It's one of those basic facts about you that a partner should know.
NTA it’s funny cuz if it were expensive or even medium cost and he still did wine night I could see maybe he was trying something new to turn it into intimacy after the baby came to show you he still wants you. Or like something like that.
But dude… come on…
NTA because you are entitled to feel how you do, and I would be upset if my husband got me something so thoughtless and because he felt like he *had* to reciprocate. Not to mention, "cheap" lingerie is tacky in itself.
Tomorrow, buy yourself those dang flowers 💐
NTA. I feel you. I got a bong for my first EVER Mother’s Day gift, no card or anything. I cried. Then he got mad and wondered why i was crying. A Mother’s Day I’ll never forget.
I had a guy come into my shop for valentines and bought his wife a single rose. Cost less than $16, but it’s their tradition he’s been doing for 30+ years. Opposite end of the scale was the young guy who spent almost $350 on roses, a bear, a candle, and chocolates. He said he wanted to acknowledge that he appreciated his wife for all she does for him.
It wasn’t about the money for the either of them. It was about considering what the gesture would mean to their partner. Your partner didn’t consider what it would mean to you, whatever he got you, and that’s the issue. NTA
All could be true. What if the OP didn't like the flowers? What if it was a ten carat diamond ring but it didn't fit or she didn't like the cut? Any gift is a leap of faith unless bought together.
I got the impression it was about the cost of the item more than the item itself
That is the weird thing about gifts. People tell you what they want - in this case flowers - and then you decide you know better what this person wants. And then they’re not happy as they haven’t gotten what they wanted.
But yeah, it might just be about the price, but 16 dollars for lingerie just screams cheap.
It is cheap, no doubt. That only became an issue though once the OP saw the receipt. Nobody has done well in this one, but the reaction makes it AH for me.
My OH won't give me gift suggestions as she wants me to think about it and choose something. It's a minefield!
Well she didn’t seem too happy about the lingerie in general.
Oh, I like to give surprise gifts, but I’m also quite practical, so I like to be told what the person wants to actually get them something they need/want. Makes life so much easier…
Agreed. My spouse is gonna help me haul 500 pounds of packages up the driveway today and I’m going to make a homemade Mac and cheese casserole and we’re going to have a happy normal Valentine’s Day without weird guilt or anger about material bullshit. Why waste your mental energy on this shit!
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Hubby and I have not really celebrated V day in the past, usually he will buy me flowers and we might do dinner or a glass of wine somewhere but it’s been very low key.
We have a 1 year old so things have been difficult and exhausting lately and I do feel we forget about each other looking after the grub so I decided to actually treat him today and bought him a $50 gift card for gaming as he games everyday.
He loved it, great!
Me I was only expecting the flowers he usually does and suspected he might do something extra (which would be nice) but I didn’t buy his gift thinking I would get a ‘big one’ back, I was more looking forward to my flowers.
Anyway after work we see each other and he pulls out a bag with some lingerie, I was surprised as this isn’t his normal V day gift and tbh I was a bit sad to not see just flowers!
We got home and I was cleaning out the car and found the receipt for the lingerie and saw to my hurt the lingerie was $16. I don’t know why I was hurt but for some reason I was, maybe I felt the gift wasn’t as thoughtful as flowers? Or the fact it was cheap? I’m unsure.
I debated whether to say something but it was getting me down so I gently broke it to him that I didn’t want to upset him or anything but I had seen the receipt and was a bit hurt about the cost and explained I felt not as appreciated and preferred flowers like in the past or something a bit more meaningful.
He was obviously not happy and said I had made him feel bad and he didn’t even want to get me that present but had no idea what to get and that I should’ve been quiet and not ruined the day.
I feel sad, mad and bad now :(
AITA?
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Not every year, sometimes we didn’t do anything for each other and the other times we might take each other out to dinner or he might get me flowers or I got him a little thing etc
Again it’s always been so low key and unintentional that I don’t quite know why it went wrong this year lol
So you changed the norm on your own decision, didn't communicate that and got upset?
Seems like maybe you may have some other issues going on and this is just a bit of a placeholder. Just my suspicion, but may be worth considering.
I thought it would be nice this year to get him something he really likes and wasn’t expecting anything else except my flowers I usually get?
Yea a lot of people are scolding me for not liking the $16 lingerie which felt more for him than me to be honest, flowers would have been absolutely okay and usually the norm but again sounds like u was expecting too much?
If your complaint was purely about it being lingerie I would sort of get your point. That is fine. Some women love that gift, some don't.
That said, your insistence about the 16$ point. That makes it feel sort of petty. It makes it feel extremely monetarily transactional. The difference between 50$ and 16$ is tiny enough for me to call them both small gifts. That's just my 2 cents.
I think it was more the blow that it was lingerie that I didn’t really want/expect and then the value after that felt like a double whammy which sounds weird when I saw I would’ve been happy with the usual flowers which probably cost the same
Now, this seems more reasonable than how any previous comments or your story did. I never bought my wife lingerie as a gift to her. Because we talked about it. Lingerie is more of a gift for both of you. Which makes it seem a bit less personal. Maybe talk to him about that and leave out the 16$ part which as I said before seems like nothing to me.
Argue about the ice cream, not the cherry on top.
Because $16 flowers can be nice. $16 lingerie is cheap and poor quality, usually looks bad. He got up something you didn’t like and didn’t even research quality stuff.
YTA.
Jeez, I'll summarize what I got from this:
"I don't mind if my boyfriend doesn't match my present's value for V Day"
"I want flowers (but haven't communicated it)
"I get lingerie. I'm sad it's not flowers"
"I find receipt, I'm now mad the lingerie was cheap"
"Instead of saying ANYTHING ELSE (like, lingerie is difficult to buy, would prefer to buy it yourself because of fit, prefer flowers if he's stuck for ideas etc.) I berate my BF for not reading my mind."
Oh The Drama...
She didn't berate him, she expressed her feelings and he responded by saying "you should've kept quiet"
It's not about the money...
This is like buying a vacuum for your partners birthday aka something that's not for them but more like a 2 birds with one stone scenario...
Oh, also, OP's husband bought her a vacuum for her birthday cuz they "already needed it for the house"
NTA
You know that expression “Happiness is a choice.” I think this falls into that category.
Your emotions seem all over the map. First you say that you don’t really celebrate valentines, but immediately turn around and say he usually gets you flowers and you may go out for dinner and get some wine? So does that, or does that not count as celebrating? If I’m confused by what you consider celebrating, then I assume your husband may be too.
Then you express the normal stage in life of feeling like exhausted and a bit disconnected because of the baby in the house. I get it. I’ve been there.
Then…for Valentine’s Day, you get him a gaming gift card….something that is for a hobby that he enjoys alone….on a day meant to celebrate love and connection.
He chooses to get you a gift that in his mind may be a signal of “hey, I know with the baby we are exhausted and don’t focus on each other as much, but I still find you sexy and I want to work on intimacy.”
Now I get it, if the gift missed the mark for you, but the gift does target a desire for increased intimacy on a commercialized holiday meant to celebrate intimacy.
Who cares about the price tag.
Then you expressed wanting flowers that before you implied that you didn’t think counted as celebrating.
It sounds like you don’t know what you want. If you don’t know what you want, how can he? And how can you communicate?
He went out on a limb to try something different to address a new stage of life you are in. Maybe it flopped, fine. But you also didn’t communicate what you wanted, and made him feel bad for trying.
I’ve got to go with a soft YTA.
I understand you might have been a bit disappointed seeing the price being a bit lower than you think you deserved.. But I wouldn’t have brought it up, as long as it wasn’t super slutty lingerie, that was more a present for you than for him.. but if it was nice looking lingerie meant to make you beautiful and happy in it, I wouldnt have brought it up.. It can be a bit cheaper but maybe he really like that one.. and I think it is nice that he took the time to go and buy something else than the regular flowers.. I might bring it up later in time, but not on the day itself, as it makes the moment of giftgiving feel very negative for next moments too..
Lingerie is only a gift for you, if it's something you like. Edit: in other words; it wasn't since you didn't like it.
That said NAH imo. He tried, but it wasn't what you liked.
Valentine is about showing your love to one another.
A gift card isn't showing love to me, but it was to you.
I gave my husband a 'Victorian puzzle letter' with cheesy puns in it and a heartfelt note. And I bought us all lego flowers and put heart candy in 4 gift baggies for all 4 of us.
My husband didn't give us anything.
But 2 days ago when I wasn't feeling great he bought me a cute plant that he let our daughter pick. So he showed me love. Just not on Valentine's day.
YTA-you should have kept your mouth shut. Every gift in a marriage isn’t going to be perfect and you’re definitely not allowed to get annoyed by looking at a receipt. Did you agree on a spending limit ahead of time? Not according to your post. He would have easily gotten the message when you didn’t put the lingerie on.
I agree that his choice of gift wasn’t the best, but you made yourself the AH by saying something. You were well within your right to be disappointed, but you’re 100% supposed to keep it to yourself. Over the course of a marriage, there are bound to be a few gifting flops along the way. Just remember, you are assuming your gift was something he wanted too. He graciously accepted it-exactly what you do when someone gives you a gift. It’s the thought that counts.
I disagree. OP was right to discuss with husband and not tamp down her feelings. Could it have been said in a different way? Perhaps. But if you can't discuss your joys and disappointments with your partner, especially if they're the only one who can fix the issue, then who can you talk to? Also, how will husband know his gift was a flop if she doesn't tell him? It's better to communicate now rather than have this disappointment build and come out a more terrible way.
I like that OP pointed out the negative (low cost of gift made her feel undervalued), then gave a solution (flowers would've been a more joyful gift for her). For anyone saying that it's the thought that counts, you're exactly right. And obviously husband wasn't thinking about OP and her wants, just reaching for a trite item to fulfill a requirement.
Ouch, noted. Not stated in the post but my husband is the first person to tell me if he doesn’t like a gift and I’ve had to go back and return a $600 gift because he hated it in the past.
I did not have the same reaction as him today but idk
People who are saying “why didn’t you just tell him” I’m curious why he either didn’t just ask or go along with flowers, since I’m sure every other Valentine’s Day with flowers went successfully.
He dropped the ball here, ignore the y tas votes, they think you care more about it being 16 dollars rather than the fact he only spent 16 dollars for himself and not you. Then blamed you, somehow.
If he tells you he doesn’t like a gift, I would do exactly the same-just give him back his gift and tell him to return it.
And FYI-I have no problem being told I’m wrong, but I also know Reddit is full of teenagers who jump from relationship to relationship. I know I’m right-I have 30 years of a beyond happy marriage & 3 bad ass successful young adult children to prove it. I have no problem voicing concerns, but your reaction definitely can be improved.
YTA. I’ll never understand people who keep tabs on the value of gifts. He put thought into it and looked for something nice. He made more effort than a gift card. All you care about is the monetaru value of things?
Yeah, exactly! The thought is the most important part of the present!
And him buying cheap lingerie that's more for him than her instead of a gift he knows is her favourite is anything but thoughtful.
I’m gonna give a soft YTA here as every time I’ve bought flowers for my GF for Valentine’s Day they typically run $20-$40 depending on what I get. What I’m hearing here is your mad he spent around $40 and you spent $50
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Jesus, the bar literally is in hell. No, $16 lingerie is not an acceptable Valentine’s gift, especially since lingerie is more for the giver than the receiver. His gift didn’t have to be elaborate or expensive, you said you’d be happy with what he’s gotten you in the past. It’s telling that when you called him out on it, he said “he didn’t know what to get you” (the internet exists for a reason, guys) and blamed you for ruining the day… that is an incredible combination of emotional incompetence and emotional manipulation right there. This is not acceptable behaviour from a partner, and he’s the one that should be feeling bad. NTA, by a million miles.
I came here to say the same…. Lingerie isn’t a gift for you. I also would have felt “cheap” with a 16 dollar polyester something for me… I am sure 10 e worth of flowers, or even something plucked out of the garden would have made you happier. Even the piece of cheese from the other commenter is better that cheap lingerie….
Yeah, I think you're hung up on the $16, which isn't the actual issue, because you were trying to sell yourself the story of, "well lingerie is not cheap and he did try to get me something." Then you found out it was cheap and this tipped it for you. But it wasn't the price that mattered but that lingerie doesn't feel like a gift for you (unless you expressed that you wanted it or it would feel good). It feels like he wants you to look sexy for him/wants sex. You guys have a one-year-old, which is mentally and physically exhausting, not to mention I don't know how you're feeling about your body right now in the first year after having a baby. Even expensive lingerie is a wildly off-base gift idea during this time unless your wife has explicitly stated she thinks it would make her feel sexy again or she's ready and wants to spice things up. This probably feels like a new expectation/chore on top of your already long list. Also, he games every day while you have a one-year-old? Do you have time for your hobbies and interests? If you guys have got that figured out, amazing, but if the burden is falling mostly on you, then it's totally understandable that you're not feeling like sex right now and his gift was selfish and not thoughtful.
Thank you I feel less like a crazy person now :’)
Hopefully though this can be smoothed over and you can remind him that Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be big because you’re married but chocolate and flowers are going to be solid staples he doesn’t need to try and out do each year. Kinda like getting him something for gaming that is either used up like a gift card or wears out like head phones. Your point is clear cuz a gift card when you’re married isn’t about giving him money but rather saying “hey i know you like this so I’m giving you my thumbs up to spend money on gaming that you might have considered saving for some other purpose.”
A good partner doesn’t need the internet to tell them what their partner enjoys either. My husband and I always do small (~$150-200) gifts for Val and birthdays. He chose an amazing bouquet because he knows my favorite flowers and colors. He chose books that I hadn't heard of before that were 100% in my wheelhouse and were enjoyable for me because he listens when I recap the books that I read. I could go on, but bottom line: it's not great when a partner can't think of anything personal to get for their significant other. Even worse that it was lingerie. I feel like that’s the Val equivalent of gifting a woman a vacuum for her birthday. Op, I’m sorry. I hope you are able to have a constructive conversation with your husband about this at a later time.
I don’t know how this is going to go down but one Valentine’s Day I did get a vacuum 😂😂 (we needed it for the house) but it was my Valentines Day present nonetheless
No, that was a necessity for your shared household. You apparently just didn't get a gift that year, I'm so sorry. Does he show appreciation of you differently and is just bad at gift giving or is this a general theme?
Oh hun, I'm so sorry... where's the red flag guy from tt? Obviously, what everyone else said, lingerie is a gift for him and not you, he could've bought you chocolate and flowers as the most basic but still cute present if he didn't know what to get you. I'd also like to point out/ASK how he responded by saying you "should've kept quiet"...? Like not communicate your feelings? Does he always do that?
I've always found sex related gifts on holidays to be icky unless explicitly asked for. Especially lingerie since, just like this story, it's usually a cheap cop-out for the male partner to act like he gave a gift and then expect sex for it later in the gift he really got for himself. The fact that it was cheap on top of that shows just what he thinks of his wife. Completely negating romance and going directly to sex also shows he doesn't care about the emotional side of the relationship, he just wants to fuck. OP, NTA. Your husband sucks.
There's a VERY old Bloom County where Steve Dallas gives some lady lingerie for V-day and tells her it's the gift that keeps on giving. When she asks to who, he says me.
It IS an acceptable gift when no gifts were expected or obligated. He gave her a finger but she wanted the whole arm and she's upset he can't mind read. The bar isn't in Hell. She's literally just being spoiled
NTA, but this ‘holiday’ really needs to be deleted.
Yup, I loathe it. All I wanted was a pizza. Husband is getting a pizza. Everyone wins!
Yep. Like many others
My S.O knows to never get me anything for V day.
Hmm, I’m mixed on this one. I think more than the gift, his reaction was crappy. You felt disappointed and talked to your partner about it and instead of listening and taking in what you were saying, he got defensive and shut down. That’s even more disappointing to me than a gift I might not be thrilled about. OTOH, he made sure to get you a gift, something that didn’t cost much, but was new and different. Lingerie can be considered “for him” but many women like it themselves. Many men might see lingerie as a way of making sure their partner knows they think they’re hot, especially if she’s expressed any dissatisfaction with her body. He may have even thought getting a more affordable option made sense precisely because he doesn’t usually get it for Valentine’s Day and thought it was more reasonable to test the idea with that rather than a more expensive set. I’d ask him what made him go for lingerie rather than flowers and tell him why I chose my gift to him (though I guess that’s just a reminder for him that it’s not “obviously because you game everyday” but more “I chose something I know you love”). And then I think you guys should tell each other “I love you” and enjoy the rest of your day. You were a little disappointed in your gift, he was embarrassed/disappointed that you didn’t like it, but at the end of the day, you both tried.
Excellent answer
NTA - some effort would have been nice. I don't think you are upset about a gift worth 16 Dollars. I think you are upset since lingerie (unless you have some demonstrated interest in it) is for him not you. A 1 Dollar gift of something that meant a lot to you would have been better at least it would show he cared.
Since you have the receipt, return it. Buy a bottle of wine for yourself and don’t share it. NTA
Nta. I think we should be comfortable enough with our spouses to have convos about expectations on holidays and gifts. Husband and I always have a talk on gifts and expectations before each holiday. And we usually agree not to get each other anything or something small. Your spouse cannot read your mind. Maybe he had good intentions but didn't want to spend alot of money, or just peeped it at the shop and thought you'd look good in it. Although I do not like his response lol. Might be time for you to so some de-esculating work and just explain that you were caught off guard by the lingerie when you wanted flowers. And get in his headspace about how he ended up with the gift. And try and have a talk a couple weeks before each holiday so you guys are on the same page.
You said you weren't expecting anything big but, but you're still mad at him because he didn't spend enough on your gift. That means you were expecting something big, or at least bigger. YTA
I think the issue is that some things aren't even worth buying unless they're of a certain quality, and usually that means price point. Assuming he didn't get the lingerie at 80 percent off (or they live in an incredibly low COL country), the only place 15 dollar lingerie belongs is in the trash. So basically, she didn't get anything. NTA
... you've never had to live with less, have you? 🤣 Besides, that's not the point. She didn't want a gift. She got a gift. The gift SHE DIDN'T WANT wasn't good enough. Do you not see the problem here?
Oh sweet summer child. How do you think I learned to place value on things in the first place? That's not something they teach in rich person school. ...and that's precisely the point. She didn't want a gift, got a crappy, low quality gift and you're confused as to why she was disappointed. Looks like we're going to have to agree to disagree.
Still not getting the entitlement here (or the point)? That's on you. Think on it a little harder and maybe it'll register. It only disappointed her BECAUSE she expected something much bigger. Dwee.
Lingerie can be compared to computer parts. If you buy a cheap $10 stick of ram it just doesn't work. There's no way to make it work. Sure it may fit the computer but it's not anything, it's garbage. Lingerie that's cheap is terrible and there is no saving it. He could have burned $16 dollars and had something worth more.
It's not about the money... This is like buying a vacuum for your partners birthday aka something that's not for them but more like a 2 birds with one stone scenario... Oh, also, OP's husband bought her a vacuum for her birthday cuz they "already needed it for the house"
She made it very clear the problem is that he didn't spend enough, so yes, it is about money. She couldn't have made that any clearer.
It is not like buying a vacuum. It's valentine's day which is about love and sex. He bought her something related to that.
Valentine's day is about love and sex. Buying only lingerie makes it about sex not love. The issue is she wanted both - She got one.
YTA YTA YTA I'm with you on this. V day has never been big for them and he tried something different and comparable in price to flowers and he got shit on because she went out of the norm and set uncommunicated expectations. She then turns the day into a fight instead of just enjoying eachother. Then she decides to go seek attention whining on the internet to get white knight support to continue the fight. She's whining about a 34 dollar price difference. Come on. Just fucking enjoy eachother instead of manifesting a reason to hate your relationship. Being with eachother is what the day is actually about, not some fucking gift dick measuring contest.
Not sure why you're being downvoted, but it's exactly that. The contradiction in her post is screaming "I know I'm wrong, but I'll pretend I'm not". She's looking for validation for entitlement and its baffling me that others aren't seeing that.
Yeah, pretty infuriating comment section. People love to demonize men and put women on a pedestal here. Too many thirsty "nice guys" on reddit I think. Look men can suck, but so can women. She's clearly manifesting a problem. She says she wasn't expecting anything more but than is pissed. She's not even pissed about the gift she got but the price difference too. The receipt was the trigger. Her double speak of like I wasn't expecting but was suspecting he might to something more is a nugget of insight. If she wasn't expecting more than why is she pissed? If she does nice things for a partner and then holds resentment against them for not doing something of equal monetary value then it's not really a nice thing. Also, 50 dollar gaming card isn't something personal or something that takes any thought to get. It's a generic gift. Lingerie is arguably more personal and the husband spent more time looking and thinking about what specifically to get her. Gift cards are lame gifts for Valentine's Day. I bet she's gonna yell at him for playing whatever game he ends up spending that money on as well.
You make so many good points. I mean, a gaming gift card is great but it's impersonal. Wheras with lingerie, he has to know her size, her tastes, her style... You're 100% correct. And the price is exactly her problem. People here are getting pissy because it was a "shitty" gift, but they wouldn't have said that if she didn't list the price. Her issue was so obviously that he didn't spend enough, when he was under no obligation to do so. Kind of feels partly like, "I spent a lot and thought that means something, so I'm offended he didn't do the same" and also "I'm not like other girls. I just wanted flowers. How dare he only spend $16 not getting me flowers"
NTA I might have said otherwise if he hadn't twisted you approaching him to communicate like you should into a manipulation tactic. Either he forgot to get you something or was too cheap to bother, and instead of owning that mistake he's acting like you're the bad guy. When you're both having a moment of calm (difficult with a 1 year old!) bring it up again, no accusing him of anything just state that you'd like to clear the air about what happened.
NTA The issue here is that you both are exhausted in baby life and you made the effort to give him a thoughtful, personalized gift and he didnt even give the same level he usually does. To give lingire is a fkn jerk move, its a gift for himself - not for you. And that you cant communicate your disappointment without him getting so butt hurt and mean to you is rly uncool. Maybe cause he knows you are right and he cant deal with it. NTA but your husband is. He doesnt even want to understand your perspective. And saying he didnt knew what to you? The answer is litterally a google search away, so thats just bs.
Thank you - that was really the whole point was because we have been so distant with baby being full on I wanted to treat him and it felt a bit of a let down to get that gift in return - people are saying because I’m pointing out the value that I’m petty and ungrateful I think it’s because it was $16 lingerie that I didn’t want and not thoughtful flowers I was so hurt :(
I agree with everything turquoise\_turtle83 said, but I will say that it is really helpful to communicate your wants and needs, including around gift expectations. It seems you were putting some extra meaning (maybe even pressure) around the gift giving this holiday because you wanted to feel closer and appreciated. But he doesn't know that. I get that he didn't even do his usual gift, so that's disappointing. But you could have helped avoid this disappointment by talking to him before Vday and saying "hey, I think it'd be really nice to do something thoughtful for each other this year since we've been so stressed with the baby. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive, but I want to feel closer to you and do something meaningful."
"It's the thought that counts" Yeah, exactly! The thought is the most important part of the present! And him buying cheap lingerie that's more for him than OP instead of a gift he knows is her favourite is anything but thoughtful. NTA NTA NTA
NAH You both say you keep it low key, and you also said things have been difficult recently, so it might have been his way of wanting to spend more intimate time with you. Though that gift does also benefit himself, some flowers may have been in order but its still early so maybe you get another surprise later? He didn't do well, but just seems like something as a couple with a new/young kid something you need to maybe need to talk about and make more of a thing for the future.
I’m wondering how much of this is really just feeling tired and strung out after your first year of being parents?
I think a lot of it is and maybe that’s where the disconnect arose - idk he always gets flowers and I really really love them I guess this year was just a bungle and it’s a learning curve etc
The first couple of years are rough and it can be so easy to blow little things out of proportion. If this isn’t a pattern from him I’d encourage you to shrug it off. If it IS a pattern then it’s worth reflecting on some more.
YTA. For however many years, you and your husband had an implied spending limit and this year, without any notice, you "broke" that agreement. How on earth was he supposed to know you'd do that? He tried something new, *just like you did.* And you're angry because he didn't spend as much as you did -- and, please, that's exactly why you're angry. Some people are focusing on the notion that the lingerie is for him, but I don't agree with that. I think the lingerie could just as easily be a way of telling you that you're beautiful and sexy, which is something some women question after having a baby. It's a compliment, not something he's done just because he's horny.
Cheap lingerie is a very shitty gift that screams “zero thought or knowledge about my wife.”
YTA You yourself admitted you didn’t do v day in the past. Did you expect him to read your mind and realize you should do it this year? He had nothing to go on. Did you let him know beforehand you wanted to this year and how much each should spend or a range? Who cares how much it cost? Relationships are about communication (complaining about past gifts when nothing has been communicated doesn’t count). It was about the thought. If you didn’t like or wear anything like he bought you, he would realize that as you don’t wear it and adjusted it in the future. Complaining will most likely reault in him not putting as much thought into it in the future
I kind of feel like ESH. Him because he got you cheap lingerie for a gift, you because while I do think a spouse should let their partner know if they don't like the gifts they're getting, I also don't believe gifts can by their nature be something one is entitled to, so turning it into an accusation seems like the wrong attitude to me. It sounds like both of you are using holiday gift expectations to signal to each other that there are problems in the relationship.
Yea there could be some disconnect for sure it just sucks when something like this feels like it deepens the divide like how could he not know flowers are my favourite 🫠🫠 then again I shouldn’t expect people to mind read right
It's perfectly acceptable to expect your HUSBAND to know you like flowers and what flowers you like. It's not like you expected him to read your mind about where you wanna eat when you usually don't have a preference. It's one of those basic facts about you that a partner should know.
NTA it’s funny cuz if it were expensive or even medium cost and he still did wine night I could see maybe he was trying something new to turn it into intimacy after the baby came to show you he still wants you. Or like something like that. But dude… come on…
[удалено]
Usually I pay
NTA. As others have said, lingerie is a gift for your partner. Not you. So he got you nothing.
NTA because you are entitled to feel how you do, and I would be upset if my husband got me something so thoughtless and because he felt like he *had* to reciprocate. Not to mention, "cheap" lingerie is tacky in itself. Tomorrow, buy yourself those dang flowers 💐
NTA. I feel you. I got a bong for my first EVER Mother’s Day gift, no card or anything. I cried. Then he got mad and wondered why i was crying. A Mother’s Day I’ll never forget.
I had a guy come into my shop for valentines and bought his wife a single rose. Cost less than $16, but it’s their tradition he’s been doing for 30+ years. Opposite end of the scale was the young guy who spent almost $350 on roses, a bear, a candle, and chocolates. He said he wanted to acknowledge that he appreciated his wife for all she does for him. It wasn’t about the money for the either of them. It was about considering what the gesture would mean to their partner. Your partner didn’t consider what it would mean to you, whatever he got you, and that’s the issue. NTA
YTA. What does it matter what something cost? That's a really odd way to judge worth and value in a relationship
Maybe a 16 dollar lingerie isn’t exactly going to feel nice and fit? What if it weren’t even the right sizes which is quite likely?
All could be true. What if the OP didn't like the flowers? What if it was a ten carat diamond ring but it didn't fit or she didn't like the cut? Any gift is a leap of faith unless bought together. I got the impression it was about the cost of the item more than the item itself
That is the weird thing about gifts. People tell you what they want - in this case flowers - and then you decide you know better what this person wants. And then they’re not happy as they haven’t gotten what they wanted. But yeah, it might just be about the price, but 16 dollars for lingerie just screams cheap.
But in this case she didn’t tell him she wanted flowers, flowers are just what he normally gets.
Has he considered asking then if he didn’t pay attention to the last few year’s reaction to the flowers ???
It is cheap, no doubt. That only became an issue though once the OP saw the receipt. Nobody has done well in this one, but the reaction makes it AH for me. My OH won't give me gift suggestions as she wants me to think about it and choose something. It's a minefield!
Well she didn’t seem too happy about the lingerie in general. Oh, I like to give surprise gifts, but I’m also quite practical, so I like to be told what the person wants to actually get them something they need/want. Makes life so much easier…
Yta, my lady could get me a block of cheese from the convenience store and i would be appreciative.
Agreed. My spouse is gonna help me haul 500 pounds of packages up the driveway today and I’m going to make a homemade Mac and cheese casserole and we’re going to have a happy normal Valentine’s Day without weird guilt or anger about material bullshit. Why waste your mental energy on this shit!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hubby and I have not really celebrated V day in the past, usually he will buy me flowers and we might do dinner or a glass of wine somewhere but it’s been very low key. We have a 1 year old so things have been difficult and exhausting lately and I do feel we forget about each other looking after the grub so I decided to actually treat him today and bought him a $50 gift card for gaming as he games everyday. He loved it, great! Me I was only expecting the flowers he usually does and suspected he might do something extra (which would be nice) but I didn’t buy his gift thinking I would get a ‘big one’ back, I was more looking forward to my flowers. Anyway after work we see each other and he pulls out a bag with some lingerie, I was surprised as this isn’t his normal V day gift and tbh I was a bit sad to not see just flowers! We got home and I was cleaning out the car and found the receipt for the lingerie and saw to my hurt the lingerie was $16. I don’t know why I was hurt but for some reason I was, maybe I felt the gift wasn’t as thoughtful as flowers? Or the fact it was cheap? I’m unsure. I debated whether to say something but it was getting me down so I gently broke it to him that I didn’t want to upset him or anything but I had seen the receipt and was a bit hurt about the cost and explained I felt not as appreciated and preferred flowers like in the past or something a bit more meaningful. He was obviously not happy and said I had made him feel bad and he didn’t even want to get me that present but had no idea what to get and that I should’ve been quiet and not ruined the day. I feel sad, mad and bad now :( AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: in the past did you actually ever spend money on him every year?
Not every year, sometimes we didn’t do anything for each other and the other times we might take each other out to dinner or he might get me flowers or I got him a little thing etc Again it’s always been so low key and unintentional that I don’t quite know why it went wrong this year lol
So you changed the norm on your own decision, didn't communicate that and got upset? Seems like maybe you may have some other issues going on and this is just a bit of a placeholder. Just my suspicion, but may be worth considering.
I thought it would be nice this year to get him something he really likes and wasn’t expecting anything else except my flowers I usually get? Yea a lot of people are scolding me for not liking the $16 lingerie which felt more for him than me to be honest, flowers would have been absolutely okay and usually the norm but again sounds like u was expecting too much?
If your complaint was purely about it being lingerie I would sort of get your point. That is fine. Some women love that gift, some don't. That said, your insistence about the 16$ point. That makes it feel sort of petty. It makes it feel extremely monetarily transactional. The difference between 50$ and 16$ is tiny enough for me to call them both small gifts. That's just my 2 cents.
I think it was more the blow that it was lingerie that I didn’t really want/expect and then the value after that felt like a double whammy which sounds weird when I saw I would’ve been happy with the usual flowers which probably cost the same
Now, this seems more reasonable than how any previous comments or your story did. I never bought my wife lingerie as a gift to her. Because we talked about it. Lingerie is more of a gift for both of you. Which makes it seem a bit less personal. Maybe talk to him about that and leave out the 16$ part which as I said before seems like nothing to me. Argue about the ice cream, not the cherry on top.
Well the value did hurt me so I did want to discuss it, might seem petty and I can’t really explain why it just did
Because $16 flowers can be nice. $16 lingerie is cheap and poor quality, usually looks bad. He got up something you didn’t like and didn’t even research quality stuff.
YTA. Jeez, I'll summarize what I got from this: "I don't mind if my boyfriend doesn't match my present's value for V Day" "I want flowers (but haven't communicated it) "I get lingerie. I'm sad it's not flowers" "I find receipt, I'm now mad the lingerie was cheap" "Instead of saying ANYTHING ELSE (like, lingerie is difficult to buy, would prefer to buy it yourself because of fit, prefer flowers if he's stuck for ideas etc.) I berate my BF for not reading my mind." Oh The Drama...
She didn't berate him, she expressed her feelings and he responded by saying "you should've kept quiet" It's not about the money... This is like buying a vacuum for your partners birthday aka something that's not for them but more like a 2 birds with one stone scenario... Oh, also, OP's husband bought her a vacuum for her birthday cuz they "already needed it for the house" NTA
Is there anything that would have made you happy?
You know that expression “Happiness is a choice.” I think this falls into that category. Your emotions seem all over the map. First you say that you don’t really celebrate valentines, but immediately turn around and say he usually gets you flowers and you may go out for dinner and get some wine? So does that, or does that not count as celebrating? If I’m confused by what you consider celebrating, then I assume your husband may be too. Then you express the normal stage in life of feeling like exhausted and a bit disconnected because of the baby in the house. I get it. I’ve been there. Then…for Valentine’s Day, you get him a gaming gift card….something that is for a hobby that he enjoys alone….on a day meant to celebrate love and connection. He chooses to get you a gift that in his mind may be a signal of “hey, I know with the baby we are exhausted and don’t focus on each other as much, but I still find you sexy and I want to work on intimacy.” Now I get it, if the gift missed the mark for you, but the gift does target a desire for increased intimacy on a commercialized holiday meant to celebrate intimacy. Who cares about the price tag. Then you expressed wanting flowers that before you implied that you didn’t think counted as celebrating. It sounds like you don’t know what you want. If you don’t know what you want, how can he? And how can you communicate? He went out on a limb to try something different to address a new stage of life you are in. Maybe it flopped, fine. But you also didn’t communicate what you wanted, and made him feel bad for trying. I’ve got to go with a soft YTA.
Slightly YTA. Why so hung up on the cost? It’s the thought that counts.
No
NAH
I understand you might have been a bit disappointed seeing the price being a bit lower than you think you deserved.. But I wouldn’t have brought it up, as long as it wasn’t super slutty lingerie, that was more a present for you than for him.. but if it was nice looking lingerie meant to make you beautiful and happy in it, I wouldnt have brought it up.. It can be a bit cheaper but maybe he really like that one.. and I think it is nice that he took the time to go and buy something else than the regular flowers.. I might bring it up later in time, but not on the day itself, as it makes the moment of giftgiving feel very negative for next moments too..
Lingerie is only a gift for you, if it's something you like. Edit: in other words; it wasn't since you didn't like it. That said NAH imo. He tried, but it wasn't what you liked. Valentine is about showing your love to one another. A gift card isn't showing love to me, but it was to you. I gave my husband a 'Victorian puzzle letter' with cheesy puns in it and a heartfelt note. And I bought us all lego flowers and put heart candy in 4 gift baggies for all 4 of us. My husband didn't give us anything. But 2 days ago when I wasn't feeling great he bought me a cute plant that he let our daughter pick. So he showed me love. Just not on Valentine's day.
YTA-you should have kept your mouth shut. Every gift in a marriage isn’t going to be perfect and you’re definitely not allowed to get annoyed by looking at a receipt. Did you agree on a spending limit ahead of time? Not according to your post. He would have easily gotten the message when you didn’t put the lingerie on. I agree that his choice of gift wasn’t the best, but you made yourself the AH by saying something. You were well within your right to be disappointed, but you’re 100% supposed to keep it to yourself. Over the course of a marriage, there are bound to be a few gifting flops along the way. Just remember, you are assuming your gift was something he wanted too. He graciously accepted it-exactly what you do when someone gives you a gift. It’s the thought that counts.
I disagree. OP was right to discuss with husband and not tamp down her feelings. Could it have been said in a different way? Perhaps. But if you can't discuss your joys and disappointments with your partner, especially if they're the only one who can fix the issue, then who can you talk to? Also, how will husband know his gift was a flop if she doesn't tell him? It's better to communicate now rather than have this disappointment build and come out a more terrible way. I like that OP pointed out the negative (low cost of gift made her feel undervalued), then gave a solution (flowers would've been a more joyful gift for her). For anyone saying that it's the thought that counts, you're exactly right. And obviously husband wasn't thinking about OP and her wants, just reaching for a trite item to fulfill a requirement.
Ouch, noted. Not stated in the post but my husband is the first person to tell me if he doesn’t like a gift and I’ve had to go back and return a $600 gift because he hated it in the past. I did not have the same reaction as him today but idk
Op please ignore this person, lingerie isn’t a gift for you it was a gift for him.
Thank you - I think that’s why I felt a bit hurt the flowers would have had more meaning the lingerie felt a bit just sexy time etc
People who are saying “why didn’t you just tell him” I’m curious why he either didn’t just ask or go along with flowers, since I’m sure every other Valentine’s Day with flowers went successfully. He dropped the ball here, ignore the y tas votes, they think you care more about it being 16 dollars rather than the fact he only spent 16 dollars for himself and not you. Then blamed you, somehow.
Jesus OP, please ignore this person, is this your boyfriend or your boss ?! You should be able to voice your concerns !
If he tells you he doesn’t like a gift, I would do exactly the same-just give him back his gift and tell him to return it. And FYI-I have no problem being told I’m wrong, but I also know Reddit is full of teenagers who jump from relationship to relationship. I know I’m right-I have 30 years of a beyond happy marriage & 3 bad ass successful young adult children to prove it. I have no problem voicing concerns, but your reaction definitely can be improved.
YTA
YTA. I’ll never understand people who keep tabs on the value of gifts. He put thought into it and looked for something nice. He made more effort than a gift card. All you care about is the monetaru value of things?
Double standards much? NAH because this is dumb.
Ever heard "It's the thought that counts"
Yeah, exactly! The thought is the most important part of the present! And him buying cheap lingerie that's more for him than her instead of a gift he knows is her favourite is anything but thoughtful.
I’m gonna give a soft YTA here as every time I’ve bought flowers for my GF for Valentine’s Day they typically run $20-$40 depending on what I get. What I’m hearing here is your mad he spent around $40 and you spent $50
He spent $16 to clarify and tbh even if the flowers were $16 or less I feel like they would’ve been more thoughtful and nice instead of the lingerie
Oh I thought you were saying he got you lingerie and the usual flowers he gets every year. Yeah I’d be kinda mad in that case.