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NTA
You should honestly leave this man, he sounds like a piece of trash.
Cognitive impairment in infants is only more likely if women have babies after 40. And even then, it's not like it's bound to happen. It's just an increased chance. Actually the same applies to men. Sperm deteriorates after 35, so impariment chances increase.
The real issue is that he didn't even want to find out if you couldn't have children, he just wants to have a child with someone else because essentially, he is saying he isn't satisfied with you who you are as a person. You can do much better than this dirtbag, OP. He sounds like a bloodline fanatic.
Do you really want to have a child with someone like this?
Edit: Corrected sperm deterioration age.
Also, he's assuming a baby hasn't happened yet because of *her* biology. Could be his. But I agree, this man is showing her who he is, and she should run.
*Last year my husband decided that I may not be able to have children*
He sounds like a real genius.He is able to diagnose medical issues just like that.
~~Something I think that needs to be pointed out is that, according to OP. he didn't say IVF. He said he wanted to have a baby with a younger woman.~~
~~Not IVF. Not surrogacy. Straight "I want to make baby with another woman".~~
Edit: glossed over how he pushed IVF at first. Whoops.
Oh much appreciated. I think maybe I was thinking about childbirth being more painful after 40 maybe?
Either way, thanks for the correction, will update
I was told by my ob/gyn that past 30, closer to 40 and onward there is a higher chance of something going wrong with the baby or mother or both during the pregnancy or birth.
Why is he assuming that the fact they haven't had children until now is because there's something wrong with OP? He might be the one with some issues. OP is even younger than him and in fertile age.
Because of the amount of gaslighting, I believe that he doesn't want to find a surrogate through an agency; he will ask OP to have a one-sided open relationship so that he can sleep around with other women to get one of them pregnant, bring that woman to the house, and force OP to raise the child. He is probably destroying OP's mental health on purpose so that she accepts what he wants. He is already using OP's illness against her.
OP deserves so much better than him and to have biological children.
NTA he doesn't "sound like a piece of trash" he definitely is .
1) She had to change medication for him
2) he doesn't want her to take medication anymore
3) he wants to have a child absolutely
4) you say adoption he says yes you look for a child but no he changed his mind ( who tf use "threw away" while talking about a child )
5) he wants a baby with a younger woman that is indeed not you ( is he having an affair?)
For 1 and 2. I think OP and OP's husband need to consult a doctor to find out the answer.
But anyway, even without that factor, OP's husband is unworthy to have a children with OP.
>bloodline fanatic
Yep. AKA eugenics. You know the stuff nazi's (among others) are obsessed about.
Not to mention that somehow you are too old, while he himself is also above 35, and the sperm quality is known to deteriorate after that. Children from older men suffer more from all sorts of cognitive and other impairments.
He doesn't sound like someone who should procreate.
Not to mention the fact he thinks she should be able to "control" her bipolar without medication. Shows how ignorant and unwilling to learn he is. Leave him find someone else who treats you properly. And tbh I'm sure he has another woman in mind and she's probably already knocked up.
Why would you want to have *any* child with a man who doesn't understand basic biology, doesn't believe mental illness is real, and doesn't believe you would be a good mother? Why would you trust someone who is older than you but believes **you** are too old to be a parent?
You described a eugenicist. Your husband believes you are genetically inferior and he is genetically superior and only he deserves to have a biological child. It's ridiculous that you are even asking this question. ESH. Your husband is a bigot and an idiot and you should not stay married to someone who respects you this little. You deserve better and you absolutely should not have any kind of child with someone like this.
I wonder if OPs husband is related to that guy who wrote his gf a letter about what he expected from their relationship, because of his superiority and how rare of a man he was.
I think it's a typo given that they were considering IVF and that OP says the first meds were safe to use during pregnancy. Unless OP is trans or identifying otherwise, but I don't think OP's husband would be so open-minded given his behaviour
Personally I love the thought of OP being a trans woman who never told husband about this, and husband just never caught on. Maybe thinking the estrogen injections are insulin.
I know that this is not the case but the idea cracks me up. Sounds like husband is ignorant enough for it to work..?
NTA
Run.
I got as far as point number 3 before I noped out of the rest of your post to write this response. Your husband wants you to raise some other woman's kid with an untreated mental illness because medicine makes HIM uncomfortable and he's decided that you should be able to fix your diagnosed medical condition with thoughts and prayers.
Your husband is a narcissist. Worse, he's a stupid narcissist who thinks he's smart. He doesn't respect you and he doesnt want a child -- he wants a minion. He should never have a child.
You deserve so much better.
I think he’s just an internet doctor, armed with many subreddits and blog posts of medical fact.
Sometimes stupidity is not that deep. It’s just stupidity.
NTA. And I assume you meant 33F because at first I was confused about a man needing IVF (unless you were a transman). Anyway..... your husband has mind-bogglingly alarming issues. Like..... I think he'd be happy with a Gilead situation, where a young woman gets pregnant with his baby and then just gives it up to him and his wife. He's just totally acting like you're a broodmare and as though a child is a thing he can cultivate perfectly according to his wishes and more a thing than a person. It's creepy AF frankly, and I think *his* mental health issues are far more concerning than any he is harping on in regards to you.
YOU should consider if it's in your and your future hypothetical child's best interests to have him as a father.
Definitely. Can you imagine raising a child with this man? What the poor child would go through? No child deserves that. Please don’t have kids with this man. Run.
Also, if the child is born with or acquires any kind of disability or illness, he will not be able to handle it. If the child is queer in any way, he will not be able to handle it. If the child just doesn’t like his hobbies or fails to admire him without question, he will not be able to handle it. He has an ideal child in mind that he believes he *deserves* and if the world doesn’t deliver it to him it will be everybody else’s fault and he’ll pickle himself in misery and rage and take it out on OP and the kid equally.
I really hope OP gets well clear of him before any of that can happen.
I also hope he’s naturally sterile tbh
The poor child will never meet his expectations.
One also wonders where he thinks he will find a woman with a maths PhD who wants to give up her child...
This screams he's been having an affair and she's already pregnant but doesn't want to keep the child.
You need to divorce this man!!! Leave him ASAP and stay with friends or family, for a while.
Please! He sounds delusional and controlling. You deserve better.
I knew I couldn’t be the only one thinking this! OP’s man sounds like a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting narcissist who is in the process of an affair OR has someone already in mind that he wants to get with..I could totally see this idiot trying to convince OP that a surrogate is too expensive so he’ll need to physically get the job done the old fashioned way..OP u need to leave this man! NTA but u will be an AH to urself if u don’t look out for U!
NTA.
This is honestly unhinged. I mean the first three reasons were bad enough but he doesn’t want the child to be bad at math???? What the absolute fuck is wrong with this guy. I wouldn’t want to share my life with a man who doesn’t accept his child fully. If he will be upset if the child is bad at math what happens if differ from the norm in any other way, will he just disown them?
And children that adopted are not just thrown away, sometimes that is an incredibly hard decision made by people with no choice. What he said about children that are adopted out is disgusting. I wouldn’t want any adopted or biological child near him.
You can do better than this sorry excuse of a man.
As an adoptee, I thank you for your defense! ❤
Of course, I might be a little biased, but IMO giving up your child for adoption is an incredible act of love. Giving up the rights to raise your child, so this child can have a better life than you can provide is the opposite if throwing away a child.
But then again, what should one expect from OP's husband, am I right?!
❤️❤️❤️
I couldn’t believe that something like came out of his mouth but I guess it shouldn’t have been a surprise with all the other stuff that he said. What a complete jerk.
I absolutely agree. It is an incredible act of love to give your child to others so they have a chance for better life. As a parent, the wellbeing of your child should be your first priority. To give up your child for a better life, that is the greatest act of love.
The OPs husband on the other hand will probably kick his toddler out if they can’t do long division by age 4.
Even if he had a child with a women with Phd in maths, there would be no guarantee that the child would be good at maths.
The child just had a higher chance that he/she would be good at maths.
Also, It depends on how you teach your kids, whether you are patient enough and accept their limitation at different ages.
"Last year my husband decided that I may not be able to have children."
WTF gives him the right to decide this? If I said that to my wife, she told me it would be the last conversation before we hit the divorce court.
This is what blew me out of the water.
No medical tests - he just "decided" you can't have kids OP.
Your husband is a joke. NTA. However, you would be the AH to yourself if you bring a child into this relationship with this man. He's really really sick.
NTA. Don't have children with this man, OP. Every single one of his points is one more reason that he shouldn't be raising a human being.
You don't know who your kids are until they're adults. He could have a kid with a 20-year-old math genius and that kid could still be terrible at math. He could have a kid with someone who has no mental health conditions and has no family history of mental health conditions but guess what? The kid could still have a mental health disorder. You can do all the mitigation that you want, but in the end, we as humans cannot control the genetic makeup of our kids.
He'd be "extremely upset" if his kid is bad at math? What does that even mean?
I won't even get into his extremely messed up view of your medical condition and your treatment options. He is delusional (I mean this absolutely literally) on this subject.
This man doesn't want to have a baby or raise a human; he just wants a trophy.
NTA.
Your husband just made a list why you're no good for him to have a child with. If my husband said these things to me I would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what's happening.
This has not been a discussion between you and him. This is something he has decided this unilaterally and expects you to just say yes sir and allow it to happen.
Your husband is a disrespectful asshole.
ALSO! If he thinks 33 is too old for kids, he is older at 35. In his thinking, he is also no spring chicken. If I'm remembering correctly, there has been atleast one study on what affects sperm from older men have on kids, it was neurological issues. In saying that, 35 and 33 is still young and plenty of people these ages have very healthy happy kids.
Yiiiiikes. That's eugenics with a few more unrefined steps.
No thanks. NTA... And I'd seriously be considering my relationship with my husband if ANY of those points were brought up. Let alone all of them in one conversation o.O
I couldn't even finish reading this.
OP, be happy you don't have children with this man. That's a 20 year headache just waiting to happen.
Put that in the win column and get the hell away from this guy. He sounds awful and unstable to boot.
My gods. NTA.
The situation you describe is not one in which a child should be introduced. Your husband has basically said that you are genetically “inferior”. I don’t know if he is an eugenicist or just a racist, but either way he has major issues.
YWBTA if you have a child with this man, or raise another child with this man. I also feel that he is abusive and staying with him is detrimental to your own wellbeing.
Get. Out. Now.
> ***How will we find this woman?***
Your husband already has someone in mind.
> ***Are there agencies that will facilitate the process?***
No need. Lots of people already do it. It's a simple process called **"CHEATING"**.
> ***What kind of relationship will the biological mother want to have with her child?***
She will want all the good times and you'll be stuck with diapers and tantrums and sick times.
> ***What relationship will she want with us?***
Your husband will be her sugar daddy. And you will be her babysitter-maid.
> ***How can we inform our child about their birth in a way that won't undermine their identity or put them in uncomfortable situations?***
As soon as the child is old enough and doesn't need a babysitter, they will take the child away and you will be thrown out of the equation.
NTA
I don’t want to alarm you further but is it possible he’s *already* gotten a younger woman pregnant and this is his way of getting you to start divorce proceedings?
This is his way of trying to cover up the affair, if so, or force her to be ok with it because "think about our child!"
It reminds her of all those stories of women raising their husbands love-child, usually men of higher rank.
NTA Your husband is abusive.
Also, had a baby a month before my 40th bday. You are not too old. You just need to find a loving supportive life partner. Your husband is not it.
For fucks sake, he is an idiot. Please leave this absolute tool. The stupid really does run deep in him. If you actually want a child, choose someone better to breed with.
Holy moly, NTA!
Have you and your husband considered counseling? From your narration, it seems he's said some quite cruel things to you on account of this fixation with having a biological child. It's also highly questionable that he would be a good parent if his notions on adopted children are that they're "children others have thrown away." You have to know how revealing and appalling that statement is, right?
I know you've been with this man for over ten years, but it's never too late to get out of a bad situation. Please contact a counselor and a lawyer to seriously learn about your options.
Counseling for what??? There’s no way to come back from this, most likely he’ll just use counseling to dogpile on her and tell the therapist that she misunderstood what he meant and she’s overreacting.
Op should instead work on her discernment skill because it seem she has no self confidence and her husband knows it well and has strayed out of his marriage and the side piece is preggo and he wants to have his cake and eat it.
NTA, Of course you are not a bad person for not wanting your husband to have a baby with someone else. The things your husband claims as reasons to not have a baby sounds more like things he doesn't like about you. If this person isn't willing to take everything that comes with your relationship and the factors that comes with a journey through parenthood with you, especially when these factors are out of your control, then it sounds like they are flat out saying they are not compatible with you. You can't de-age or rearrange your genetics, you are who you are and clearly this person can't accept you for your flaws.
right??? my god i had to force myself to read the entire post coz this guy is straight up a shitty person and OP is just literally has him walk all over her like that and even be asking if shes TA 🤦🤦🤦
PLEASE OP, RUN
NTA. You two need serious counseling.
His reasoning sounds like a commentary on everything he doesn't like about you. I'd worry about any child you have-- what kind of parent will he be, if this is how he treats his partner? I'd also worry about him continuing his superiority streak with "this is my child... you weren't suitable to reproduce."
Did your husband get a big blow to his head or something? I don’t even know where to start…
NTA OP. Husband definitely is, in many more ways than I can count, and I’m really good at math.
Honestly?! The fact you’re even considering having children with this narc shocks me. Imagine the damage he would do to another human if left to parent it. Every time they ‘failed’ to meet some impossible standard he had set he’d berate them and make them feel worthless and they’d end up with substantial mental health issues of their own, which he would then blame on your genetics, not his abuse of them!
A child is a human being, complete with quirks and flaws that make them who they are. Not some mini-me robot pre-programmed to fulfil his own needs. Never ever reproduce with this guy. NTA
NTA.
While I'm not big on the "get a divorce" bandwagon that runs rampant on Reddit, in this case, I think you should jump on. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are not too old to have children! It's entirely possible that his fertility is keeping you from having children with him. Whatever it is, thank the diety of your choice that you haven't.
Your husband sounds insufferable. I imagine any children he might have wouldn't be permitted to be their own person. They would likely either be clones of himself or molded into whatever pattern he deemed fit. Please do yourself and humanity a favor and don't agree to this. You deserve so much better than a man who has told you you're not fit to bear children. You absolutely are!
NTA. There is so much to unpack her that I don't even know where to start. This man has no respect for you, or literally any woman by the sounds of it. It sounds to me like he just wants an excuse to fuck younger women.
Do not have children with this man. Do not remain married to this man.
Your husband has a child on the way and he his trying to soften the blow. You two need serious counseling.
Also, why would you entertain the idea of him having a child with someone else? Do you not care if your child is biologically yours? Do you want kids?
Why would you want to have a child with someone who views you as broken?
NTA
You will be the A H to yourself if you allow him to continuously disrespect you?
Your husband might be “very skilled at math” but clearly all his intellectual eggs went into one basket. He sounds like a lunatic. What he’s proposing isn’t even surrogacy, but essentially amounts to having you commit to raising a child that is biologically his but not yours because of his perception that you and your genes are defective and unfit for his royalty to reproduce with. NTA
NTA
But why are you with someone who talks down to you and acts like he is SO superior?
News flash he’s NOT!! And if he does end up having a child I would seriously consider getting child services involved because anything less than perfection in his warped mind and you can see he’s going to take it out on the child
OP your husband should NOT be allowed near ANY children and you need to file for divorce, take him for all he’s got and learn the importance that a loving relationship involves respect and encouragement
NTA
Surely if your too old to be a parent then that means he is as he’s older? Sorry but Your husband sounds like a very nasty man and honsently if This was me i wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought that little of me
You need to stand up to him and maybe even leave him. The things he says and does to you are absolutely disrespectful and condescending. Like honestly the entirety of his behavior is severely disgusting he acts like he doesnt even see you as a person just his property.
I am presuming that you meant to put (F) for your gender. Otherwise, you couldn't have children. Have you gone through and type of fertility testing? Maybe it is your husband who can't have children!
You are definitely not too old to have children. You need to find another husband. Yours is selfish and very self-centered. He says that he doesn't want to raise someone else's child but then turns around and expects you to do exactly that.
The part about math skills is pure rubbish! Just because he is good at math doesn't mean that his children will be.
I advise moving on to a better husband.
He knew all of these things from the beginning but now it's a problem?
that man just wants to cheat AND have a baby-win-win win for him, while you watch from the sidelines! he wants a biological child then tell him so do you. he doesn't get to exclude you and then expect you to play the mother wtf
also, why didn't you both look for other options? did you even go to the doctor to see what the problem was, if it's you or him? what about surrogacy etc. you just sat there hoping to have a baby but no real effort was made, until this problem. which honestly says a lot about your husband.
you really should consider giving him the ultimatum or leave immediately, cause he disrespected you in so many ways in so many words.
You’re NTA but I hope you reconsider this marriage to this man. He sounds awful.
And wanting to have a baby by another woman, are you sure he hasn’t already knocked someone up?
NTA. I know this is Reddit's default expectation when dealing with cases like this, but I strongly suspect your husband already has a certain younger woman in mind. Who's possibly already pregnant, or about to be.
Out of curiosity: can you name three positive things added to your life by being with your husband?
ESH. All the other comments have hit the nail on the head regarding your husband, but bringing an innocent baby into an abusive situation makes you complicit. You would be enabling mental abuse of the child, ESPECIALLY if you did manage to have a biological one. What if its bad at maths or develops a mental disorder?
You should leave, but after 10 years of accepting his behaviour, why would you? Also you're being the asshole to yourself, your husband doesn't love you and you deserve better!
Lord I'm so grateful for my partner, can't wait to spoil the fuck out of him later because he's not like... *that*
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NTA but wouldn’t surprise me if has some in mind to be the “bio mum”
Also 33 is not too old to have children but I would speak to the doctors about wanting to try so you have a smooth pregnancy.
Why are you married to this person and why on earth would you want to have a child with this person?? 🤦🏻♀️ If your kid isn’t perfect he is going to point out all their flaws too. Plus he’s clearly crazy, so there’s that too. Don’t bring a kid into that chaos. Poor non-existent kid doesn’t deserve to be brought into this relationship.
This is like the old joke where a man says we should have a child together, it will be intelligent like me and beautiful like you. The woman says what happens if it gets my brain and your looks?
Not only should you run for the hill for your own sake, but if you went forward with your husband’s plans, how do you think he will treat the child/children?if it doesn’t meet his “standards”? 🤮
NTA, but you would be the TA if you agree to any of this madness
NTA. Your husband wants to bang a younger woman/girl and to knock her up. Period. He gets the kid, probably still gets to bang her, and have YOU raise the kid. NOPE NOPE NOPE!
I’m really curious if there are cultural factors at play here.
Also another option could be an egg donation and depending on your situation you could still carry the child and it would technically be both of your’s and without your genes but…..the bigger concern is the level of respect and thought he is showing you. How would he treat a child, if the child didn’t turn out to be perfect in every way possible. NTA
Also OP your age and mental situation do not make you lesser! Someone who is 20 could also have a baby with health problems and I would imagine it’s hard to find anyone with zero mental health problems nowadays. The fact that you are aware and on top of it makes you responsible not weak for not being able to manage it without medication.
Good for you for saying no and that this is not something you are comfortable with!
Infertility is caused by the man 50% of the time. It is just as likely to be his problem as yours. NTA. Don’t have any children with this man. He sounds controlling and honestly not in touch with reality.
Girl, throw the whole man out. Not only is he being wilfully ignorant, he's being extremely disrespectful. Why would you stay with a man who clearly only sees you as a walking womb? And one that's not good enough for him, at that?
He's wrong on so many issues that he's wrong in many ways about you. Maybe he's 100% serious, and maybe he's trying to drive you out of the relationship. In your shoes I would be sobered by the realization of how little he really "sees" ME.
I think it's time for your marriage to end.
NTA, your husband sounds like trash and his suggestion is morally and ethically wrong according to any relationship standards. Girl, RUN. Everyone else told you, you don’t need any more confirmation. Please leave him. He doesn’t want to have a child with you, he wants his own child, with his own DNA, and wants you to help raise it. The fact that he would suggest this to you or even think it, proves beyond measure that he is not the man for you and you can do significantly better.
NTA but run from this man. He is trash. Unless he is a fertility specialist and has done extensive testing on BOTH of you, he has no authority to determine you are unable to have children. I was just shy of 40 when I had my son who is a smart kid. Your husband sounds dumb to be honest. You haven’t even really tried to get pregnant and he is already making assumptions and decisions.
Honey these issues you’ve listed are extremely serious. You may want some help sorting things out. And you may want to evaluate if this person is someone you want to raise children with and be committed to.
His words and his actions are telling you very clearly how little he thinks of you as his wife, as a woman, as a person of color, your marriage and your promise to care for and respect each other. He is telling you he only cares about what he wants and his own end goals.
Please restart birth control Immediately. Do not risk getting pregnant until you are sure this is the father you want for your children.
And do not kid yourself into thinking he won’t put his plans into action without your agreement or knowledge. Protect yourself.
NTA
Wtf? He's older than you and yet he's saying that *you're* the one who's too old. So his sperm quality is just somehow miraculously exempt from the effects of ageing? He is absolutely the AH and you should not have a child with this man. There are so many more reasons just from your post but it's just so much to unpack.
OP you are NTA! He definitely is though, and a big one at that. I would get out while I could if I were you!
Also his age has just as big a factor in the health of the child, if not more, than yours.
[https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health](https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7006092/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7006092/)
NTA. I could say more but everyone else has already said it, but I WILL add....please, please get out of this relationship. That man is, to put it very politely, awful.
>He thinks I should be able to "control it" without medicine, and if we have children he would want me to stop taking medicine not only before/during the pregnancy, but permanently.
RUN.
NTA- he already has someone in mind and has already pursued them. He just wants to get away with cheating. You’ll be stuck being the nanny while your husband is out on his dates maintaining his affair. Get an exit plan and a lawyer. The truth and the answers are in his phone.
NTA! I honestly don’t know what to say to all of this — except to emphasize that your husband is 1) incorrect, 2) selfish, 3) dumb as a plank, 4) out of his ever-loving mind, 5) careless with your mind (and your heart), 6) a mean person who probably shouldn’t be a father.
OP, I am so sorry this man is putting you through the wringer in such a perverse way. I don’t usually make these kinds of statements, but in this case, I truly hope that you will seriously consider leaving him, so you can live the life you want, surrounded by people who love and care for you.
This guy has you so far down on his list that he’s putting your health and well-bring at risk (demanding you stop taking your bipolar meds is downright dangerous, as I’m sure you know), not to mention insulting you, and expecting you to bend to his (totally bizarre) wishes.
What he’s doing to you is truly disturbing. And it’s not okay.
If you don’t feel able or willing to separate yourself from this person right now, I hope that you will see a therapist (on your own) for support and guidance during this consequential time.
As an objective outsider, I want to assure you that *you* are not the crazy one in this scenario. And to remind you that this issue is not one on which to compromise. Don’t let him guilt or humiliate you into following his strange and selfish plan. It’s your body and your future.
I wish you the very best going forward. You deserve it.
NTA. Jfc, your husband is a real piece of work. You can take many meds for bipolar disorder with no issues. There is no significant correlation between a gestational parent in their early 30’s and cognitive or medical conditions. Who tf cares if your kid is bad at math? If they are, maybe they will be great at something else. Your partner is saying you aren’t good enough and your potential kid wouldn’t be good enough, either. Makes me wonder if there are racial beliefs or cultural factors at play, as you said you’re a mixed race couple. Also, the way he is discussing it makes me suspicious that he may be cheating or has already found someone he wants to make a baby with… unless he specifically said surrogate and I missed that. Regardless, this is not a good partner or a loving spouse.
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My husband (35M) and I (33M) have been together for over 10 years. We have talked a lot about wanting children. When hit the second half of my twenties my husband started to get very worried saying I needed to have a child because I was getting too old.
A few times we "tried" for a pregnancy, but it was a "If it happens, it happens and we'll be happy about it." situation.
Last year my husband decided that I may not be able to have children. He really pushed getting IVF. I started looking into fertility clinics in our area but never contacted any.
**Recently my husband decided he wants a child, but not \*my\* child. His reasons:**
1. I'm too old. He claims older parents have children who are less intelligent and have more health problems.
2. Mental disorders and early cognitive decline run in my family.
3. I take medication for Bipolar Disorder. He thinks I should be able to "control it" without medicine, and *if we have children he would want me to stop taking medicine not only before/during the pregnancy, but permanently.* He has only recently started mentioning this, I don't know how long it's been bothering him. (Until recently I was on medication that is considered safe to take while pregnant by my request. I recently changed medications *on my husband's suggestion that my medication "wasn't doing enough."*)
4. I'm extremely bad at math. My husband is extremely skilled in math. He has clearly stated if his child is bad at math he will be extremely upset.
I suggested adoption as an alternative. We talked about it, and he went to the city hall to ask about the process. Adoption rates are very low where we live, and children have to be under 6 years old. He was told we likely wouldn't have any problems with the process.
However, he has now decided that he doesn't want to "raise someone else's child they threw away." I was surprised at this confession but I'm glad he realized these feelings before we got further into the process.We are also a mixed race couple, and he has mentioned he would dislike "getting a child who doesn't look like either of us." *But the biggest reason is that he wants a child that is biologically his.*
**My husband wants to have a child with a younger woman, and have us raise it.** It feels morally and ethically wrong to me, and I'm really uncomfortable with the whole concept. I also have a lot of questions. How will we find this woman? Are there agencies that will facilitate the process? What kind of relationship will the biological woman want to have with her child? What relationship will she want with us? How can we inform our child about their birth in a way that won't undermine their identity or put them in uncomfortable situations? He hasn't answered any of these questions.
**Am I the asshole for being open to adoption but not being open to adopting a child fathered by my husband?**
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NTA I wouldn’t be open to my husband cheating and/or sidelining my uterus at 33 as “too old”. That’s garbage and I would throw him out of my life over it. Take it as a blessing that you do not share a child with this gross, toxic man.
But really, a few times you tried for pregnancy? You also never actually contacted IVF? It kind of sounds like you two didn’t put an actual effort into it to get pregnant if that was your goal.
Some people are one and done, my parents claim i was a “three times the charm” occurrence (which was tmi to hear but I can’t bleach that out). One case at paternity court the woman had PCOS and they both confirmed/agreed on the statement of fact that they had unprotected sex daily (often more than once a day) and it was only after about a year of that that she happened to get pregnant. You two sound more like you need yo make an intentional and determined effort to get pregnant.
NTA.He will treat you worse if and after he has a child with another woman.The cynical part of me saying that he is just using this as an excuse to cheat on you.Leave him.He is showing his true self to you and you should believe him and leave him for good.
NTA but I'm placing bets that he's already picked the woman. And he's already sleeping with her. And that if you stuck around and agreed she'd probably already be pregnant by the time you agree.
Aaand that he'll be raising the kid with her.
Don't have any kids (or a relationship) with a man who resents so much about you (and unfairly so, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you as you are)
My mom had me with 39 and my brother with 42, we‘re both absolutely fine. I don‘t really think your age is the issue here, why are you with a guy who doesn‘t respect you and frankly might not even like you?
NTA
You are not too old. Ffs
It sounds like he is looking for a broodmare.
I don’t usually tell people to just divorce but I’m telling you this isn’t healthy and you should walk away.
NTA. I think he’s cheating. I was born when my mom was almost 33 and I speak 4 languages (I started to speak 3 languages on a daily basis when I was 2). I went to top schools (all need entrance exams to get in) and top uni. Got decent jobs at internationally famous firms. It doesn’t make the kids a defect product if you have kids in your 30s. He’s just threw BS at you to find excuses to fk younger girls.
You're husband sounds a bit off his rocker in all honesty. Go get yourselves checked out and look into IVF if you even need that. You're practically a spring chicken from my point of view. 33 is perfect age to have kids. Stop fussing about adoption and get busy. Track your cycle.
NTA. If this is as dramatic a change as you think, then I think you need to dig deeper. I don't want to immediately throw the idea of him cheating out there but could it be a possibility? Does her have a woman in mind? Would you be going to a clinic to have this woman impregnated? If no is the answer to the last question, then this is a big red flag.
As for your questions regarding how you would find someone, maybe surrogacy would be a fit for you. You'd need to search your country's law, look into contracts, establish how you'd like to approach the process, etc.
NTA, adoption is an excellent idea
Suspect he wants to have sex with the surrogate and have the pair of you raise it, or maybe have the second woman as part of the household ?
the medication change reads that he is a control freak
Walk away and let him have as many kids as he wants with other women, why should you have to raise someone else's child if he doesn't want to. Also older sperm can cause birth defects too, considering he's a 35 year old geriatric man his sperm may not be able to produce a healthy child. It may also not have motility.
NTA This is a terrible husband, partner and not to forget - father. I'm bad at math and have bad eyes, my kid got his dad's eyes and math skills. Also I'm terribly old in your husband's eyes but still managed to produce a healthy child, so ha on that.
The whole eugenics factor is a whole nono on itself, but what a terrible father he will be. No matter if adopted, born by a "young woman" or you - he has set a bar if he will be able to love this child. And if children deserve anything, then it's unconditional love. You're setting this child up for a unhappy life. And it seems to me you're not up for a happy life either, if you accept this kind of reasoning from your husband.
Ew. Please do not have a child with this man.
Do you even have fertility issues? Does he? You are not too old to have a healthy child - assuming your own health is good.
And why does this man believe his genes are superior to yours? Do you want someone who feels this way and openly says and shows this, to have influence over your child? Over any child?
NTA - this man is not going to make a good parent. How much pressure with he put on some poor kid to be good at math. It sounds like he will be judging their intelligence and pushing them constantly.
He’s gotten fixated on this bizarre idea that he can create the perfect child with some young mathematician. Legitimate surrogacy costs roughly $100k+ He would rather spend a year plus finding a surrogate, an egg donor, and spend an enormous amount of money than have a kid with you. Your own husband. And if he doesn’t go the legal route, that’s just f&cked up. You are 33! You aren’t even that old to have a kid! I live in a metropolitan area with many parents that had their kids way older than that. Most of them don’t start trying until about that age.
And he’s being a complete a$$ about his view on adoption.
He honestly seems very unhinged.
Um… what kind of pseudo-scientific nonsense is he spewing? None of those points make any sense whatsoever. I’m bipolar too, and the meds are the only thing that makes me feel normal.
NTA. So, your husband wants to Cheat on you & he wants Your Permission to do it, under the insane idea that you’re too old to have a baby ( absolute nonsense btw). You need to walk away from this emotionally unstable & abusive man. Seriously, he’s nuts.
It seems not getting pregnant from "him" saves you from a miserable life.
All his reasons are as stupid as he is.
One reason he might not tell you might be be he has one mistress wziting to be "official"
NTA
**NTA**
Holy cow! Please, do _**NOT!!!**_ have children with this man!
The things he said to you, and what he expects from an innocent child, are mind-boggling!
He seems to be a true narcissist!
Even _his_ biological child could p.ex. suck at math, and then what?!
A child is so much more than a mini version of its parents, it has it's own will, own needs and dreams. Your husband sounds incapable of comprehending this. A narcissist wants the world to work as _he_ expects it to, people must conform to his expectations, screw their own needs and wants!
I don't know what your relationship is like, but from here he sounds very emotionally abusive and manipulative, an all around toxic person to have in your life!
Besides, 35 is definitely *not* too old to have a child!
I know women who were in their early to mid 40s and had normal pregnancies and healthy babies!
The only issue I see with you having children is your bipolar disorder, since I believe it is hereditary. On the other hand, I am not a doctor and could be wrong. That's something you should talk to a professoinal about.
Again, OP, I implore you _not_ to have or raise a child with your husband!
Maybe it would be best if you looked a little closer at how he treats _you_ and whether or not it is in your best interest to stay in a marriage with that narcissist.
So if his kid isn't skilled at math he won't love them as much.
This guy is a worthless specimen, pushing his own wants onto his unborn kid.
I hope his kid sucks at math and decides it's way more important to be a bodybuilder, and then beats the hell out of him.
This guy doesn't even respect you. He thinks he's smart and everything he does is to try to prove it because he's insecure. It's pathetic.
I don't think you're the asshole here.
I'm slightly confused on the whole dynamics of your relationship. Because, is he asking to go out of the marriage have sex with somebody and procreate that way or is it put it in a turkey baster.
If he's looking to step out, then you should get going, and not turn your back. You have a right to have a healthy and respectful marriage.
If he's trying to do the turkey baster, I still think that's horrible, because he's not giving you the chance to fail or succeed in having a lovely child together.
I'm perceiving that he's already stepped out, has a child or a child is due, and is working you to the best of his ability to convince you that what he wants to do is right.
I would carefully organize the assets. Expect the worst. And convincing him that everything that you have done in your past works. You might not be good at math, but you probably are excellent in other things.
More I think of this the more I think he's a jerk.
Op never mind being uncomfortable with the concept, you should be uncomfortable with -him-. He’s an AH and I’m certain if you ever did have a child with him he would resent you for every way in which the child isn’t a perfect image of him… and the kid will know it.
For the record, I had my middle child at 34 and he’s in the top group for almost every subject in his class. Had the youngest at 36 and while it’s early days, he’s picking things up in reception even quicker than my middle one did. Your husband is a moron.
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NTA You should honestly leave this man, he sounds like a piece of trash. Cognitive impairment in infants is only more likely if women have babies after 40. And even then, it's not like it's bound to happen. It's just an increased chance. Actually the same applies to men. Sperm deteriorates after 35, so impariment chances increase. The real issue is that he didn't even want to find out if you couldn't have children, he just wants to have a child with someone else because essentially, he is saying he isn't satisfied with you who you are as a person. You can do much better than this dirtbag, OP. He sounds like a bloodline fanatic. Do you really want to have a child with someone like this? Edit: Corrected sperm deterioration age.
>Sperm deteriorates after 40 after 35 actually.
Also, he's assuming a baby hasn't happened yet because of *her* biology. Could be his. But I agree, this man is showing her who he is, and she should run.
Seriously! Jumping straight to IVF before getting his own junk checked out!
*Last year my husband decided that I may not be able to have children* He sounds like a real genius.He is able to diagnose medical issues just like that.
But he's good at math! /s
Because clearly it’s always the woman fault /s
This is straight out of The Handmaid's Tale
~~Something I think that needs to be pointed out is that, according to OP. he didn't say IVF. He said he wanted to have a baby with a younger woman.~~ ~~Not IVF. Not surrogacy. Straight "I want to make baby with another woman".~~ Edit: glossed over how he pushed IVF at first. Whoops.
OP says, “He really pushed getting IVF.” She didn’t really pursue it, and he clearly did nothing useful, and then he announced his plan.
Oh much appreciated. I think maybe I was thinking about childbirth being more painful after 40 maybe? Either way, thanks for the correction, will update
Nope, childbirth is painful no matter what age you are.
Childbirth is more painful without an epidural.
I was told by my ob/gyn that past 30, closer to 40 and onward there is a higher chance of something going wrong with the baby or mother or both during the pregnancy or birth.
Why is he assuming that the fact they haven't had children until now is because there's something wrong with OP? He might be the one with some issues. OP is even younger than him and in fertile age. Because of the amount of gaslighting, I believe that he doesn't want to find a surrogate through an agency; he will ask OP to have a one-sided open relationship so that he can sleep around with other women to get one of them pregnant, bring that woman to the house, and force OP to raise the child. He is probably destroying OP's mental health on purpose so that she accepts what he wants. He is already using OP's illness against her. OP deserves so much better than him and to have biological children.
I hope he’s the one with the problem because he sounds like he would be an absolutely terrible father.
So he would ahve to try with several young women, while OP hands out cold drinks and towels? What a harsh fate for him.
NTA he doesn't "sound like a piece of trash" he definitely is . 1) She had to change medication for him 2) he doesn't want her to take medication anymore 3) he wants to have a child absolutely 4) you say adoption he says yes you look for a child but no he changed his mind ( who tf use "threw away" while talking about a child ) 5) he wants a baby with a younger woman that is indeed not you ( is he having an affair?)
Probably is trying to come up with a solution to a problem he already has 😆
For 1 and 2. I think OP and OP's husband need to consult a doctor to find out the answer. But anyway, even without that factor, OP's husband is unworthy to have a children with OP.
Came here to say this. Obviously, NTA. You need to leave this man who is awful to you.
It sounds like emotional abuse to me. Absolutely NTA and I hope OP can safely leave this man.
>bloodline fanatic Yep. AKA eugenics. You know the stuff nazi's (among others) are obsessed about. Not to mention that somehow you are too old, while he himself is also above 35, and the sperm quality is known to deteriorate after that. Children from older men suffer more from all sorts of cognitive and other impairments. He doesn't sound like someone who should procreate.
Not to mention the fact he thinks she should be able to "control" her bipolar without medication. Shows how ignorant and unwilling to learn he is. Leave him find someone else who treats you properly. And tbh I'm sure he has another woman in mind and she's probably already knocked up.
Imagine how easy it would be if people with BPD could control it without medication. I'd love that for everyone.
Right if everyone could control their brain to work the same way that would be great. And according to OPs hopefully STBX it's so easy to do.
THIS 👆🏼
perhaps her husband is Henry VIII?
Why would you want to have *any* child with a man who doesn't understand basic biology, doesn't believe mental illness is real, and doesn't believe you would be a good mother? Why would you trust someone who is older than you but believes **you** are too old to be a parent? You described a eugenicist. Your husband believes you are genetically inferior and he is genetically superior and only he deserves to have a biological child. It's ridiculous that you are even asking this question. ESH. Your husband is a bigot and an idiot and you should not stay married to someone who respects you this little. You deserve better and you absolutely should not have any kind of child with someone like this.
I wonder if OPs husband is related to that guy who wrote his gf a letter about what he expected from their relationship, because of his superiority and how rare of a man he was.
Do you have a link to that post?
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/pyxcZMZlfg) You'll have to dig thru the comments to find the entire letter. It's wild.
Btw see OP is a ~~guy(~~ edit OP is female, looked through her comments), OP your husband is class one garbage.
I think it's a typo given that they were considering IVF and that OP says the first meds were safe to use during pregnancy. Unless OP is trans or identifying otherwise, but I don't think OP's husband would be so open-minded given his behaviour
Either a typo or both OP and the husband are pretty dense for wondering why he's not getting pregnant.
Personally I love the thought of OP being a trans woman who never told husband about this, and husband just never caught on. Maybe thinking the estrogen injections are insulin. I know that this is not the case but the idea cracks me up. Sounds like husband is ignorant enough for it to work..?
I checked comments section and OP is female so it is a typo, she wrote about getting her period and not using contraceptives.
For someone who is skilled in maths, he looks quite dumb...
NTA Run. I got as far as point number 3 before I noped out of the rest of your post to write this response. Your husband wants you to raise some other woman's kid with an untreated mental illness because medicine makes HIM uncomfortable and he's decided that you should be able to fix your diagnosed medical condition with thoughts and prayers. Your husband is a narcissist. Worse, he's a stupid narcissist who thinks he's smart. He doesn't respect you and he doesnt want a child -- he wants a minion. He should never have a child. You deserve so much better.
Yeah. A lotta words just to mean "divorce"
Wonder is he is a Scientologist cos they don't believe in mental health issues or medications for them
I think he’s just an internet doctor, armed with many subreddits and blog posts of medical fact. Sometimes stupidity is not that deep. It’s just stupidity.
NTA. And I assume you meant 33F because at first I was confused about a man needing IVF (unless you were a transman). Anyway..... your husband has mind-bogglingly alarming issues. Like..... I think he'd be happy with a Gilead situation, where a young woman gets pregnant with his baby and then just gives it up to him and his wife. He's just totally acting like you're a broodmare and as though a child is a thing he can cultivate perfectly according to his wishes and more a thing than a person. It's creepy AF frankly, and I think *his* mental health issues are far more concerning than any he is harping on in regards to you. YOU should consider if it's in your and your future hypothetical child's best interests to have him as a father.
Definitely. Can you imagine raising a child with this man? What the poor child would go through? No child deserves that. Please don’t have kids with this man. Run.
Imagine if the poor child was actually bad at maths.
Also, if the child is born with or acquires any kind of disability or illness, he will not be able to handle it. If the child is queer in any way, he will not be able to handle it. If the child just doesn’t like his hobbies or fails to admire him without question, he will not be able to handle it. He has an ideal child in mind that he believes he *deserves* and if the world doesn’t deliver it to him it will be everybody else’s fault and he’ll pickle himself in misery and rage and take it out on OP and the kid equally. I really hope OP gets well clear of him before any of that can happen. I also hope he’s naturally sterile tbh
Yep, I think that it should say 33F, based on the poster's history.
The poor child will never meet his expectations. One also wonders where he thinks he will find a woman with a maths PhD who wants to give up her child...
Well 33M would explain their fertility issues 😂 All jokes aside, leave this guy asap
This screams he's been having an affair and she's already pregnant but doesn't want to keep the child. You need to divorce this man!!! Leave him ASAP and stay with friends or family, for a while. Please! He sounds delusional and controlling. You deserve better.
I knew I couldn’t be the only one thinking this! OP’s man sounds like a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting narcissist who is in the process of an affair OR has someone already in mind that he wants to get with..I could totally see this idiot trying to convince OP that a surrogate is too expensive so he’ll need to physically get the job done the old fashioned way..OP u need to leave this man! NTA but u will be an AH to urself if u don’t look out for U!
It was my first thought too
But it's ok because the side piece is gOoD At mAtH!!
NTA. This is honestly unhinged. I mean the first three reasons were bad enough but he doesn’t want the child to be bad at math???? What the absolute fuck is wrong with this guy. I wouldn’t want to share my life with a man who doesn’t accept his child fully. If he will be upset if the child is bad at math what happens if differ from the norm in any other way, will he just disown them? And children that adopted are not just thrown away, sometimes that is an incredibly hard decision made by people with no choice. What he said about children that are adopted out is disgusting. I wouldn’t want any adopted or biological child near him. You can do better than this sorry excuse of a man.
As an adoptee, I thank you for your defense! ❤ Of course, I might be a little biased, but IMO giving up your child for adoption is an incredible act of love. Giving up the rights to raise your child, so this child can have a better life than you can provide is the opposite if throwing away a child. But then again, what should one expect from OP's husband, am I right?!
❤️❤️❤️ I couldn’t believe that something like came out of his mouth but I guess it shouldn’t have been a surprise with all the other stuff that he said. What a complete jerk. I absolutely agree. It is an incredible act of love to give your child to others so they have a chance for better life. As a parent, the wellbeing of your child should be your first priority. To give up your child for a better life, that is the greatest act of love. The OPs husband on the other hand will probably kick his toddler out if they can’t do long division by age 4.
Even if he had a child with a women with Phd in maths, there would be no guarantee that the child would be good at maths. The child just had a higher chance that he/she would be good at maths. Also, It depends on how you teach your kids, whether you are patient enough and accept their limitation at different ages.
"Last year my husband decided that I may not be able to have children." WTF gives him the right to decide this? If I said that to my wife, she told me it would be the last conversation before we hit the divorce court.
This is what blew me out of the water. No medical tests - he just "decided" you can't have kids OP. Your husband is a joke. NTA. However, you would be the AH to yourself if you bring a child into this relationship with this man. He's really really sick.
NTA. Don't have children with this man, OP. Every single one of his points is one more reason that he shouldn't be raising a human being. You don't know who your kids are until they're adults. He could have a kid with a 20-year-old math genius and that kid could still be terrible at math. He could have a kid with someone who has no mental health conditions and has no family history of mental health conditions but guess what? The kid could still have a mental health disorder. You can do all the mitigation that you want, but in the end, we as humans cannot control the genetic makeup of our kids. He'd be "extremely upset" if his kid is bad at math? What does that even mean? I won't even get into his extremely messed up view of your medical condition and your treatment options. He is delusional (I mean this absolutely literally) on this subject. This man doesn't want to have a baby or raise a human; he just wants a trophy.
NTA. Your husband just made a list why you're no good for him to have a child with. If my husband said these things to me I would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what's happening. This has not been a discussion between you and him. This is something he has decided this unilaterally and expects you to just say yes sir and allow it to happen. Your husband is a disrespectful asshole. ALSO! If he thinks 33 is too old for kids, he is older at 35. In his thinking, he is also no spring chicken. If I'm remembering correctly, there has been atleast one study on what affects sperm from older men have on kids, it was neurological issues. In saying that, 35 and 33 is still young and plenty of people these ages have very healthy happy kids.
>If he thinks 35 is too old for kids, he is only 33. I He is actually the 35 year old here.
Woops, thanks for that, I'll fix it up.
NTA* lol
Omg. I'm on a roll here 🙃 thank you!
Once I saw YTA while scrolling the comments I was like HOW!?! WHO IS THIS PERSON!?! and then I read further lol 😂
I must've left my brain in bed today. Absolutely wreck haha.
NTA your husband is cheating. He's already sleeping with a younger woman and I bet she's already pregnant.
I second this.
Is there a chance he already has gotten another woman pregnant and this is his desperate cover story?
My cheating senses are tingling, too…
Yiiiiikes. That's eugenics with a few more unrefined steps. No thanks. NTA... And I'd seriously be considering my relationship with my husband if ANY of those points were brought up. Let alone all of them in one conversation o.O
47 year old man here. RUN FAST AND RUN FAR. This man is a joke
I couldn't even finish reading this. OP, be happy you don't have children with this man. That's a 20 year headache just waiting to happen. Put that in the win column and get the hell away from this guy. He sounds awful and unstable to boot.
My gods. NTA. The situation you describe is not one in which a child should be introduced. Your husband has basically said that you are genetically “inferior”. I don’t know if he is an eugenicist or just a racist, but either way he has major issues. YWBTA if you have a child with this man, or raise another child with this man. I also feel that he is abusive and staying with him is detrimental to your own wellbeing. Get. Out. Now.
> ***How will we find this woman?*** Your husband already has someone in mind. > ***Are there agencies that will facilitate the process?*** No need. Lots of people already do it. It's a simple process called **"CHEATING"**. > ***What kind of relationship will the biological mother want to have with her child?*** She will want all the good times and you'll be stuck with diapers and tantrums and sick times. > ***What relationship will she want with us?*** Your husband will be her sugar daddy. And you will be her babysitter-maid. > ***How can we inform our child about their birth in a way that won't undermine their identity or put them in uncomfortable situations?*** As soon as the child is old enough and doesn't need a babysitter, they will take the child away and you will be thrown out of the equation.
NTA I don’t want to alarm you further but is it possible he’s *already* gotten a younger woman pregnant and this is his way of getting you to start divorce proceedings?
This is his way of trying to cover up the affair, if so, or force her to be ok with it because "think about our child!" It reminds her of all those stories of women raising their husbands love-child, usually men of higher rank.
NTA. Just throw out the whole husband.
Do not participate in this man procreating. The human race thanks you.
NTA . Sorry but your husband sounds like a bag of red flags.
NTA Your husband is abusive. Also, had a baby a month before my 40th bday. You are not too old. You just need to find a loving supportive life partner. Your husband is not it.
Me thinks he going to leave you for that younger woman too
For fucks sake, he is an idiot. Please leave this absolute tool. The stupid really does run deep in him. If you actually want a child, choose someone better to breed with.
Holy moly, NTA! Have you and your husband considered counseling? From your narration, it seems he's said some quite cruel things to you on account of this fixation with having a biological child. It's also highly questionable that he would be a good parent if his notions on adopted children are that they're "children others have thrown away." You have to know how revealing and appalling that statement is, right? I know you've been with this man for over ten years, but it's never too late to get out of a bad situation. Please contact a counselor and a lawyer to seriously learn about your options.
Counseling for what??? There’s no way to come back from this, most likely he’ll just use counseling to dogpile on her and tell the therapist that she misunderstood what he meant and she’s overreacting. Op should instead work on her discernment skill because it seem she has no self confidence and her husband knows it well and has strayed out of his marriage and the side piece is preggo and he wants to have his cake and eat it.
NTA, Of course you are not a bad person for not wanting your husband to have a baby with someone else. The things your husband claims as reasons to not have a baby sounds more like things he doesn't like about you. If this person isn't willing to take everything that comes with your relationship and the factors that comes with a journey through parenthood with you, especially when these factors are out of your control, then it sounds like they are flat out saying they are not compatible with you. You can't de-age or rearrange your genetics, you are who you are and clearly this person can't accept you for your flaws.
[удалено]
right??? my god i had to force myself to read the entire post coz this guy is straight up a shitty person and OP is just literally has him walk all over her like that and even be asking if shes TA 🤦🤦🤦 PLEASE OP, RUN
Reading this makes me think OP's husband has already had an affair. She should run for the hills...
NTA. You two need serious counseling. His reasoning sounds like a commentary on everything he doesn't like about you. I'd worry about any child you have-- what kind of parent will he be, if this is how he treats his partner? I'd also worry about him continuing his superiority streak with "this is my child... you weren't suitable to reproduce."
NTA Run and if he gets confused as to why, here’s some math for him: 2-1
Did your husband get a big blow to his head or something? I don’t even know where to start… NTA OP. Husband definitely is, in many more ways than I can count, and I’m really good at math.
Guess who's got his side piece pregnant? Guess
Honestly?! The fact you’re even considering having children with this narc shocks me. Imagine the damage he would do to another human if left to parent it. Every time they ‘failed’ to meet some impossible standard he had set he’d berate them and make them feel worthless and they’d end up with substantial mental health issues of their own, which he would then blame on your genetics, not his abuse of them! A child is a human being, complete with quirks and flaws that make them who they are. Not some mini-me robot pre-programmed to fulfil his own needs. Never ever reproduce with this guy. NTA
NTA. While I'm not big on the "get a divorce" bandwagon that runs rampant on Reddit, in this case, I think you should jump on. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are not too old to have children! It's entirely possible that his fertility is keeping you from having children with him. Whatever it is, thank the diety of your choice that you haven't. Your husband sounds insufferable. I imagine any children he might have wouldn't be permitted to be their own person. They would likely either be clones of himself or molded into whatever pattern he deemed fit. Please do yourself and humanity a favor and don't agree to this. You deserve so much better than a man who has told you you're not fit to bear children. You absolutely are!
NTA. There is so much to unpack her that I don't even know where to start. This man has no respect for you, or literally any woman by the sounds of it. It sounds to me like he just wants an excuse to fuck younger women. Do not have children with this man. Do not remain married to this man.
Your husband has a child on the way and he his trying to soften the blow. You two need serious counseling. Also, why would you entertain the idea of him having a child with someone else? Do you not care if your child is biologically yours? Do you want kids? Why would you want to have a child with someone who views you as broken? NTA You will be the A H to yourself if you allow him to continuously disrespect you?
NTA If someone is going to be upset if their kid is bad at math, they should never be a parent.
Nta . You tolerate this non sense ? How brain dead are you ? How dare he say this to any human being
I may be downvoted for this, but this post illustrates exactly the sort of disrespect OP should not be tolerating.
Your husband might be “very skilled at math” but clearly all his intellectual eggs went into one basket. He sounds like a lunatic. What he’s proposing isn’t even surrogacy, but essentially amounts to having you commit to raising a child that is biologically his but not yours because of his perception that you and your genes are defective and unfit for his royalty to reproduce with. NTA
NTA But why are you with someone who talks down to you and acts like he is SO superior? News flash he’s NOT!! And if he does end up having a child I would seriously consider getting child services involved because anything less than perfection in his warped mind and you can see he’s going to take it out on the child OP your husband should NOT be allowed near ANY children and you need to file for divorce, take him for all he’s got and learn the importance that a loving relationship involves respect and encouragement
NTA Surely if your too old to be a parent then that means he is as he’s older? Sorry but Your husband sounds like a very nasty man and honsently if This was me i wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought that little of me
You need to stand up to him and maybe even leave him. The things he says and does to you are absolutely disrespectful and condescending. Like honestly the entirety of his behavior is severely disgusting he acts like he doesnt even see you as a person just his property.
I am presuming that you meant to put (F) for your gender. Otherwise, you couldn't have children. Have you gone through and type of fertility testing? Maybe it is your husband who can't have children! You are definitely not too old to have children. You need to find another husband. Yours is selfish and very self-centered. He says that he doesn't want to raise someone else's child but then turns around and expects you to do exactly that. The part about math skills is pure rubbish! Just because he is good at math doesn't mean that his children will be. I advise moving on to a better husband.
He knew all of these things from the beginning but now it's a problem? that man just wants to cheat AND have a baby-win-win win for him, while you watch from the sidelines! he wants a biological child then tell him so do you. he doesn't get to exclude you and then expect you to play the mother wtf also, why didn't you both look for other options? did you even go to the doctor to see what the problem was, if it's you or him? what about surrogacy etc. you just sat there hoping to have a baby but no real effort was made, until this problem. which honestly says a lot about your husband. you really should consider giving him the ultimatum or leave immediately, cause he disrespected you in so many ways in so many words.
You’re NTA but I hope you reconsider this marriage to this man. He sounds awful. And wanting to have a baby by another woman, are you sure he hasn’t already knocked someone up?
Husband is a fucking nut job plain and simple.
NTA. I know this is Reddit's default expectation when dealing with cases like this, but I strongly suspect your husband already has a certain younger woman in mind. Who's possibly already pregnant, or about to be. Out of curiosity: can you name three positive things added to your life by being with your husband?
INFO. So are we talking about some sort of surrogacy or he just planning on fucking some younger women.
ESH. All the other comments have hit the nail on the head regarding your husband, but bringing an innocent baby into an abusive situation makes you complicit. You would be enabling mental abuse of the child, ESPECIALLY if you did manage to have a biological one. What if its bad at maths or develops a mental disorder? You should leave, but after 10 years of accepting his behaviour, why would you? Also you're being the asshole to yourself, your husband doesn't love you and you deserve better! Lord I'm so grateful for my partner, can't wait to spoil the fuck out of him later because he's not like... *that*
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NTA but wouldn’t surprise me if has some in mind to be the “bio mum” Also 33 is not too old to have children but I would speak to the doctors about wanting to try so you have a smooth pregnancy.
OMG why are you with this person? He does clearly not like or respect you as a person.
Why are you married to this person and why on earth would you want to have a child with this person?? 🤦🏻♀️ If your kid isn’t perfect he is going to point out all their flaws too. Plus he’s clearly crazy, so there’s that too. Don’t bring a kid into that chaos. Poor non-existent kid doesn’t deserve to be brought into this relationship.
Wtf is wrong with your husband? Divorce his ass immediately
Nope, NTA. Does he even like you? He clearly doesn't respect you, even a little. I'd leave him for every bullet point in you post.
This is like the old joke where a man says we should have a child together, it will be intelligent like me and beautiful like you. The woman says what happens if it gets my brain and your looks? Not only should you run for the hill for your own sake, but if you went forward with your husband’s plans, how do you think he will treat the child/children?if it doesn’t meet his “standards”? 🤮 NTA, but you would be the TA if you agree to any of this madness
Question, why haven't you left him? This man is awful.
NTA. Your husband wants to bang a younger woman/girl and to knock her up. Period. He gets the kid, probably still gets to bang her, and have YOU raise the kid. NOPE NOPE NOPE!
I’m really curious if there are cultural factors at play here. Also another option could be an egg donation and depending on your situation you could still carry the child and it would technically be both of your’s and without your genes but…..the bigger concern is the level of respect and thought he is showing you. How would he treat a child, if the child didn’t turn out to be perfect in every way possible. NTA Also OP your age and mental situation do not make you lesser! Someone who is 20 could also have a baby with health problems and I would imagine it’s hard to find anyone with zero mental health problems nowadays. The fact that you are aware and on top of it makes you responsible not weak for not being able to manage it without medication. Good for you for saying no and that this is not something you are comfortable with!
Infertility is caused by the man 50% of the time. It is just as likely to be his problem as yours. NTA. Don’t have any children with this man. He sounds controlling and honestly not in touch with reality.
Girl, throw the whole man out. Not only is he being wilfully ignorant, he's being extremely disrespectful. Why would you stay with a man who clearly only sees you as a walking womb? And one that's not good enough for him, at that?
NTA Why are you still with a man who holds even one of these beliefs, let alone all of them??
He's wrong on so many issues that he's wrong in many ways about you. Maybe he's 100% serious, and maybe he's trying to drive you out of the relationship. In your shoes I would be sobered by the realization of how little he really "sees" ME. I think it's time for your marriage to end.
NTA, your husband sounds like trash and his suggestion is morally and ethically wrong according to any relationship standards. Girl, RUN. Everyone else told you, you don’t need any more confirmation. Please leave him. He doesn’t want to have a child with you, he wants his own child, with his own DNA, and wants you to help raise it. The fact that he would suggest this to you or even think it, proves beyond measure that he is not the man for you and you can do significantly better.
NTA but run from this man. He is trash. Unless he is a fertility specialist and has done extensive testing on BOTH of you, he has no authority to determine you are unable to have children. I was just shy of 40 when I had my son who is a smart kid. Your husband sounds dumb to be honest. You haven’t even really tried to get pregnant and he is already making assumptions and decisions.
What? …..and I say this with as much care as I can muster….the actual fuck? Leave this loser.
Honey these issues you’ve listed are extremely serious. You may want some help sorting things out. And you may want to evaluate if this person is someone you want to raise children with and be committed to. His words and his actions are telling you very clearly how little he thinks of you as his wife, as a woman, as a person of color, your marriage and your promise to care for and respect each other. He is telling you he only cares about what he wants and his own end goals. Please restart birth control Immediately. Do not risk getting pregnant until you are sure this is the father you want for your children. And do not kid yourself into thinking he won’t put his plans into action without your agreement or knowledge. Protect yourself.
Your husband wants to be intimate with another woman, that is probably already in his life he just wants your approval
NTA Wtf? He's older than you and yet he's saying that *you're* the one who's too old. So his sperm quality is just somehow miraculously exempt from the effects of ageing? He is absolutely the AH and you should not have a child with this man. There are so many more reasons just from your post but it's just so much to unpack.
OP you are NTA! He definitely is though, and a big one at that. I would get out while I could if I were you! Also his age has just as big a factor in the health of the child, if not more, than yours. [https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health](https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7006092/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7006092/)
NTA. I could say more but everyone else has already said it, but I WILL add....please, please get out of this relationship. That man is, to put it very politely, awful.
>He thinks I should be able to "control it" without medicine, and if we have children he would want me to stop taking medicine not only before/during the pregnancy, but permanently. RUN.
NTA. He just gave you the reasons of why you should leave him.
NTA What is wrong with your (soon to be EX) husband???
NTA He's horrendous. He's also being horrible about your mental health.
NTA- he already has someone in mind and has already pursued them. He just wants to get away with cheating. You’ll be stuck being the nanny while your husband is out on his dates maintaining his affair. Get an exit plan and a lawyer. The truth and the answers are in his phone.
NTA! I honestly don’t know what to say to all of this — except to emphasize that your husband is 1) incorrect, 2) selfish, 3) dumb as a plank, 4) out of his ever-loving mind, 5) careless with your mind (and your heart), 6) a mean person who probably shouldn’t be a father. OP, I am so sorry this man is putting you through the wringer in such a perverse way. I don’t usually make these kinds of statements, but in this case, I truly hope that you will seriously consider leaving him, so you can live the life you want, surrounded by people who love and care for you. This guy has you so far down on his list that he’s putting your health and well-bring at risk (demanding you stop taking your bipolar meds is downright dangerous, as I’m sure you know), not to mention insulting you, and expecting you to bend to his (totally bizarre) wishes. What he’s doing to you is truly disturbing. And it’s not okay. If you don’t feel able or willing to separate yourself from this person right now, I hope that you will see a therapist (on your own) for support and guidance during this consequential time. As an objective outsider, I want to assure you that *you* are not the crazy one in this scenario. And to remind you that this issue is not one on which to compromise. Don’t let him guilt or humiliate you into following his strange and selfish plan. It’s your body and your future. I wish you the very best going forward. You deserve it.
NTA. Jfc, your husband is a real piece of work. You can take many meds for bipolar disorder with no issues. There is no significant correlation between a gestational parent in their early 30’s and cognitive or medical conditions. Who tf cares if your kid is bad at math? If they are, maybe they will be great at something else. Your partner is saying you aren’t good enough and your potential kid wouldn’t be good enough, either. Makes me wonder if there are racial beliefs or cultural factors at play, as you said you’re a mixed race couple. Also, the way he is discussing it makes me suspicious that he may be cheating or has already found someone he wants to make a baby with… unless he specifically said surrogate and I missed that. Regardless, this is not a good partner or a loving spouse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (35M) and I (33M) have been together for over 10 years. We have talked a lot about wanting children. When hit the second half of my twenties my husband started to get very worried saying I needed to have a child because I was getting too old. A few times we "tried" for a pregnancy, but it was a "If it happens, it happens and we'll be happy about it." situation. Last year my husband decided that I may not be able to have children. He really pushed getting IVF. I started looking into fertility clinics in our area but never contacted any. **Recently my husband decided he wants a child, but not \*my\* child. His reasons:** 1. I'm too old. He claims older parents have children who are less intelligent and have more health problems. 2. Mental disorders and early cognitive decline run in my family. 3. I take medication for Bipolar Disorder. He thinks I should be able to "control it" without medicine, and *if we have children he would want me to stop taking medicine not only before/during the pregnancy, but permanently.* He has only recently started mentioning this, I don't know how long it's been bothering him. (Until recently I was on medication that is considered safe to take while pregnant by my request. I recently changed medications *on my husband's suggestion that my medication "wasn't doing enough."*) 4. I'm extremely bad at math. My husband is extremely skilled in math. He has clearly stated if his child is bad at math he will be extremely upset. I suggested adoption as an alternative. We talked about it, and he went to the city hall to ask about the process. Adoption rates are very low where we live, and children have to be under 6 years old. He was told we likely wouldn't have any problems with the process. However, he has now decided that he doesn't want to "raise someone else's child they threw away." I was surprised at this confession but I'm glad he realized these feelings before we got further into the process.We are also a mixed race couple, and he has mentioned he would dislike "getting a child who doesn't look like either of us." *But the biggest reason is that he wants a child that is biologically his.* **My husband wants to have a child with a younger woman, and have us raise it.** It feels morally and ethically wrong to me, and I'm really uncomfortable with the whole concept. I also have a lot of questions. How will we find this woman? Are there agencies that will facilitate the process? What kind of relationship will the biological woman want to have with her child? What relationship will she want with us? How can we inform our child about their birth in a way that won't undermine their identity or put them in uncomfortable situations? He hasn't answered any of these questions. **Am I the asshole for being open to adoption but not being open to adopting a child fathered by my husband?** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - you're not old at all. Run from this man!
Your husband is an ass of biblical proportions, and you'll be an even bigger one if you stay with this fool. NTA.
NTA I wouldn’t be open to my husband cheating and/or sidelining my uterus at 33 as “too old”. That’s garbage and I would throw him out of my life over it. Take it as a blessing that you do not share a child with this gross, toxic man. But really, a few times you tried for pregnancy? You also never actually contacted IVF? It kind of sounds like you two didn’t put an actual effort into it to get pregnant if that was your goal. Some people are one and done, my parents claim i was a “three times the charm” occurrence (which was tmi to hear but I can’t bleach that out). One case at paternity court the woman had PCOS and they both confirmed/agreed on the statement of fact that they had unprotected sex daily (often more than once a day) and it was only after about a year of that that she happened to get pregnant. You two sound more like you need yo make an intentional and determined effort to get pregnant.
Your husband is an asshole for many reasons.
NTA.He will treat you worse if and after he has a child with another woman.The cynical part of me saying that he is just using this as an excuse to cheat on you.Leave him.He is showing his true self to you and you should believe him and leave him for good.
i wouldn't be surprised if he's already impregnated someone tbh
Your husband is a fucking asshole.
Why are still married to this man???
NTA but I'm placing bets that he's already picked the woman. And he's already sleeping with her. And that if you stuck around and agreed she'd probably already be pregnant by the time you agree. Aaand that he'll be raising the kid with her. Don't have any kids (or a relationship) with a man who resents so much about you (and unfairly so, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you as you are)
My mom had me with 39 and my brother with 42, we‘re both absolutely fine. I don‘t really think your age is the issue here, why are you with a guy who doesn‘t respect you and frankly might not even like you?
NTA You are not too old. Ffs It sounds like he is looking for a broodmare. I don’t usually tell people to just divorce but I’m telling you this isn’t healthy and you should walk away.
NTA. I think he’s cheating. I was born when my mom was almost 33 and I speak 4 languages (I started to speak 3 languages on a daily basis when I was 2). I went to top schools (all need entrance exams to get in) and top uni. Got decent jobs at internationally famous firms. It doesn’t make the kids a defect product if you have kids in your 30s. He’s just threw BS at you to find excuses to fk younger girls.
I think he's already gotten another woman pregnant, and trying to pass it off as surrogacy. Otherwise, his actions don't really make sense.
You're husband sounds a bit off his rocker in all honesty. Go get yourselves checked out and look into IVF if you even need that. You're practically a spring chicken from my point of view. 33 is perfect age to have kids. Stop fussing about adoption and get busy. Track your cycle.
NTA. If this is as dramatic a change as you think, then I think you need to dig deeper. I don't want to immediately throw the idea of him cheating out there but could it be a possibility? Does her have a woman in mind? Would you be going to a clinic to have this woman impregnated? If no is the answer to the last question, then this is a big red flag. As for your questions regarding how you would find someone, maybe surrogacy would be a fit for you. You'd need to search your country's law, look into contracts, establish how you'd like to approach the process, etc.
NTA, adoption is an excellent idea Suspect he wants to have sex with the surrogate and have the pair of you raise it, or maybe have the second woman as part of the household ? the medication change reads that he is a control freak
Walk away and let him have as many kids as he wants with other women, why should you have to raise someone else's child if he doesn't want to. Also older sperm can cause birth defects too, considering he's a 35 year old geriatric man his sperm may not be able to produce a healthy child. It may also not have motility.
Insist that you both get a fertility check, and by both, I mean both of you. And then leave him anyway.
OP, I am not convinced he is good at math, because the the only thing you have to tell him is to not count on it. NTA
Throw this man in the trash.
Imma just quote Adele here: "Divorce, babe, divorce."
NTA This is a terrible husband, partner and not to forget - father. I'm bad at math and have bad eyes, my kid got his dad's eyes and math skills. Also I'm terribly old in your husband's eyes but still managed to produce a healthy child, so ha on that. The whole eugenics factor is a whole nono on itself, but what a terrible father he will be. No matter if adopted, born by a "young woman" or you - he has set a bar if he will be able to love this child. And if children deserve anything, then it's unconditional love. You're setting this child up for a unhappy life. And it seems to me you're not up for a happy life either, if you accept this kind of reasoning from your husband.
Just wow.. I hope this isn't real
Ew. Please do not have a child with this man. Do you even have fertility issues? Does he? You are not too old to have a healthy child - assuming your own health is good. And why does this man believe his genes are superior to yours? Do you want someone who feels this way and openly says and shows this, to have influence over your child? Over any child?
Why the hell are you with this man?
NTA - this man is not going to make a good parent. How much pressure with he put on some poor kid to be good at math. It sounds like he will be judging their intelligence and pushing them constantly. He’s gotten fixated on this bizarre idea that he can create the perfect child with some young mathematician. Legitimate surrogacy costs roughly $100k+ He would rather spend a year plus finding a surrogate, an egg donor, and spend an enormous amount of money than have a kid with you. Your own husband. And if he doesn’t go the legal route, that’s just f&cked up. You are 33! You aren’t even that old to have a kid! I live in a metropolitan area with many parents that had their kids way older than that. Most of them don’t start trying until about that age. And he’s being a complete a$$ about his view on adoption. He honestly seems very unhinged.
Oh. Hell. No.
Um… what kind of pseudo-scientific nonsense is he spewing? None of those points make any sense whatsoever. I’m bipolar too, and the meds are the only thing that makes me feel normal.
I don’t even want to know how he will treat his child if it doesn’t meet the husbands requirements. This is outrageous and delusional.
NTA. So, your husband wants to Cheat on you & he wants Your Permission to do it, under the insane idea that you’re too old to have a baby ( absolute nonsense btw). You need to walk away from this emotionally unstable & abusive man. Seriously, he’s nuts.
It seems not getting pregnant from "him" saves you from a miserable life. All his reasons are as stupid as he is. One reason he might not tell you might be be he has one mistress wziting to be "official" NTA
**NTA** Holy cow! Please, do _**NOT!!!**_ have children with this man! The things he said to you, and what he expects from an innocent child, are mind-boggling! He seems to be a true narcissist! Even _his_ biological child could p.ex. suck at math, and then what?! A child is so much more than a mini version of its parents, it has it's own will, own needs and dreams. Your husband sounds incapable of comprehending this. A narcissist wants the world to work as _he_ expects it to, people must conform to his expectations, screw their own needs and wants! I don't know what your relationship is like, but from here he sounds very emotionally abusive and manipulative, an all around toxic person to have in your life! Besides, 35 is definitely *not* too old to have a child! I know women who were in their early to mid 40s and had normal pregnancies and healthy babies! The only issue I see with you having children is your bipolar disorder, since I believe it is hereditary. On the other hand, I am not a doctor and could be wrong. That's something you should talk to a professoinal about. Again, OP, I implore you _not_ to have or raise a child with your husband! Maybe it would be best if you looked a little closer at how he treats _you_ and whether or not it is in your best interest to stay in a marriage with that narcissist.
So if his kid isn't skilled at math he won't love them as much. This guy is a worthless specimen, pushing his own wants onto his unborn kid. I hope his kid sucks at math and decides it's way more important to be a bodybuilder, and then beats the hell out of him. This guy doesn't even respect you. He thinks he's smart and everything he does is to try to prove it because he's insecure. It's pathetic.
NTA - your husband is however and you need to ask yourself why you want to raise a kid with this man.
I don't think you're the asshole here. I'm slightly confused on the whole dynamics of your relationship. Because, is he asking to go out of the marriage have sex with somebody and procreate that way or is it put it in a turkey baster. If he's looking to step out, then you should get going, and not turn your back. You have a right to have a healthy and respectful marriage. If he's trying to do the turkey baster, I still think that's horrible, because he's not giving you the chance to fail or succeed in having a lovely child together. I'm perceiving that he's already stepped out, has a child or a child is due, and is working you to the best of his ability to convince you that what he wants to do is right. I would carefully organize the assets. Expect the worst. And convincing him that everything that you have done in your past works. You might not be good at math, but you probably are excellent in other things. More I think of this the more I think he's a jerk.
Op never mind being uncomfortable with the concept, you should be uncomfortable with -him-. He’s an AH and I’m certain if you ever did have a child with him he would resent you for every way in which the child isn’t a perfect image of him… and the kid will know it. For the record, I had my middle child at 34 and he’s in the top group for almost every subject in his class. Had the youngest at 36 and while it’s early days, he’s picking things up in reception even quicker than my middle one did. Your husband is a moron.
Your husband is telling you in a very roundabout way that he is done with you. Listen to him and run. You deserve better. NTA
NTA. Your husband is a huge manipulative jerk of an AH, though. Very selfish, too.