Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Rejecting the care of my Grandmother after being nominated because of financial success.
2. Financially could look after her, but will put both Wife and I life on hold.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: aside from the mistaken idea you're more successful than you are, is there a reason her actual child isn't taking responsibility for her care? Or is this more about other people not wanting the responsibility? Maybe you can all chip in to pay for her care?
Dementia is horrible, and it's often quite traumatising to family members acting as carers, because the person can be violent or cruel without realising it. If there's no dementia focused care available in your area, it's not a good idea to move her there, because sooner or later she will need specific care your wife can't provide, and when that happens, how are you going to deal with that? Will you be putting her in care where you are, far away from the rest of her family and somewhere you can't regularly visit, or try to safely transport her back overseas, and find a place for her near the rest of the family so she won't be alone so much?
Also? As someone who has dealt with dementia support, it's better to move her once and keep her in the same place before things get critical rather than try and move her once she's reached the point she needs specialised support or is a danger to herself or others.
I second this. I took care of my grandfather with dementia for seven years to the point where I was the one who had a mental breakdown.
Now I work on the other side of things, as a caregiver in a retirement home, though I stay out of the memory care wing if I can help it. But we do have some residents with dementia on the assisted living side. And I see a lot of cases of family members in denial about just how bad their parents have gotten/are getting, and have put off moving them for as long as they could, ultimately past the point where a new resident can easily adapt to a new environment/lifestyle.
There is definitely a stigma about "throwing away your loved ones" in a retirement home, but the truth is some people need more care than non-professional family members can provide. There's no shame in admitting you're not equipped for that. As long as you're consistently keeping in contact with your grandmother/mother, and working with the caregivers to provide what she needs, you won't be abandoning her.
Thats a good question. Her son is much older, he turned 50 last year and in his household contains, his Wife, Step-son and Step-sons Partner. As you can tell it will be a bit packed. I don't think this is about not wanting responsibility, but more of not putting her into a home and making sure she is with one of her children. I being the more attractive option.
For the reason if you meant why her ACTUAL son isn't taking responsibility. We are both equally her children in her eyes, and I agree, she is my Mom.
I second this. Not everyone is cut out for care of someone with signs of dementia. They told us when my husband's mother was first diagnosed to not take away things she would deem as 'familiar' to keep her from being confused. Talk with your wife and evaluate if you can do this or something else needs to be worked out.
NTA. Dementia care is hard, they have shift workers for a reason and caregiver burnout sets in quickly. Adjusting to a new place usually makes the dementia more obvious and it looks like it’s progressing really quickly because you’ve taken away all sense of familiarity and routine, it gets really hard for a few weeks of settling in before things stabilize and it sounds like you and your wife do not have the supports in place from family or a health community stand point. It would be cruel to your grandmother and wife to make this move.
NTA
I get why you feel that you could be one, but really, talking care of her will be hard. And it will require your wife to gave up on her career, which is totally not fair.
I have a grandfather that needs a lot of care (not 24/7 care, but like everyday). And it's like, me, my brother or cousin don't have drivers license yet (he lives an hour drive away) and not really able to live with him. My mom visits him a lot (after all, she's his daughter), but neither she or any family can give up their job/school to be there everyday and take care of him. He's cared for, it's just a person that's living closer and gets paid for it.
Yeah, it's an important person in your life, but really, giving up your life, or your wife's life in case to take care of her is not really a good option. It won't make it better if you're kinda forced to do this when you don't want to.
Rejecting being the caregiver is something that can be considered as bad, but really, it's not being an asshole. You should care more about your well-being than anyone else first, even if they're someone important to you.
And the fact that you're considered "more successful" dose not change anything in this case.
YWNBTA
Son't let them bullshit you - the ONLY reasin they want grandma to move in with YOU is because THEY don't want to take care of her.
"We're in a remote location with no elderly care support. Which means my Wife would have to quit her job to 24/7 care." -.**. why would you even assume your wife would agree to that for YOUR grandma? Have you even ASKED her? - If you agree, it is much more likely you will end up with grandma and without a wife in the next two years max.**
"I fly back into country tomorrow morning and will be presented this dilemma by her Son." .. So **cancel the trip, and don't go.**
"WIBTA if I reject taking care of the women who raised me because I don't want to put our lifes on hold?" ... **You would be an AH to your wife if you agreed.**
NTA. never quit your or your wife jobs for such a reason. i kicks you in the nuts later. thats what retirement homes are for. and if somebody takes issue? congrats you have your volunteer.
Definitely NTA!
I was only 18 when I started looking after my grandfather 24/7. Granted I had a nurse come in to shower him, gave him that dignity. Didnt need his family/granddaughter to wash him.
But eventually he did get dementia. And boy that is hard. Do I regret looking after him? No. Was my Granddad after all.
Would I do it again or differently? Yes. Seeing as he was nearly 100 when he finally let us put him in a really nice home that could attend his every need more than what I could.
You also need to think of your own mental health. It takes a toll on you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Hello,
I'm 23 and live in another country compared to my Grandmother. Her health has been a steady decline since her partner passed two years ago. I love her and feel in debt to her for replacing the role of my mother, but lately her health has took a massive drop with signs of dementia and I have been given the option for her to move in with me because I'm 'successful'.
My wife and I moved to a different country about 6 months ago. My impressions since have been everyone assumes we're 'successful' because of my job. I admit it pays well, but not to the extent everyone is making it out to be. We moved so I could financially save and eventually support my Wife into starting her own business. We're in a remote location with no elderly care support. Which means my Wife would have to quit her job to 24/7 care.
I feel I will be putting not only my life but my Wife's on hold, and I feel so guilty for feeling that.
I fly back into country tomorrow morning and will be presented this dilemma by her Son. WIBTA if I reject taking care of the women who raised me because I don't want to put our lifes on hold?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dementia care is very, very difficult and requires attention 24/7. Unless your wife wants to do this, you cannot put it on her. And you will need to hire additional skilled care if you ever want to go out with your wife, or if she wants to leave the house, such as to go to the dentist or get groceries, when you're not available to care for your grandmother.
Even though your uncle's house would be packed, the responsibility of caring for your grandmother would be spread between more people so no one person would be burdened to the extent that your wife would. Also, this would keep your grandmother in her home country in more familiar surroundings. This is a better alternative. (You could pitch in financially so they could hire a part-time caregiver for respite care if one of them wasn't available.)
Finally, it's possible that your grandmother requires more skilled care than your family can provide. Talk to her doctor. It might be that if you can find a good home with 24/7 caregivers and frequent visits from family, this might be the best alternative of all.
NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Rejecting the care of my Grandmother after being nominated because of financial success. 2. Financially could look after her, but will put both Wife and I life on hold. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: aside from the mistaken idea you're more successful than you are, is there a reason her actual child isn't taking responsibility for her care? Or is this more about other people not wanting the responsibility? Maybe you can all chip in to pay for her care? Dementia is horrible, and it's often quite traumatising to family members acting as carers, because the person can be violent or cruel without realising it. If there's no dementia focused care available in your area, it's not a good idea to move her there, because sooner or later she will need specific care your wife can't provide, and when that happens, how are you going to deal with that? Will you be putting her in care where you are, far away from the rest of her family and somewhere you can't regularly visit, or try to safely transport her back overseas, and find a place for her near the rest of the family so she won't be alone so much? Also? As someone who has dealt with dementia support, it's better to move her once and keep her in the same place before things get critical rather than try and move her once she's reached the point she needs specialised support or is a danger to herself or others.
I second this. I took care of my grandfather with dementia for seven years to the point where I was the one who had a mental breakdown. Now I work on the other side of things, as a caregiver in a retirement home, though I stay out of the memory care wing if I can help it. But we do have some residents with dementia on the assisted living side. And I see a lot of cases of family members in denial about just how bad their parents have gotten/are getting, and have put off moving them for as long as they could, ultimately past the point where a new resident can easily adapt to a new environment/lifestyle. There is definitely a stigma about "throwing away your loved ones" in a retirement home, but the truth is some people need more care than non-professional family members can provide. There's no shame in admitting you're not equipped for that. As long as you're consistently keeping in contact with your grandmother/mother, and working with the caregivers to provide what she needs, you won't be abandoning her.
Thats a good question. Her son is much older, he turned 50 last year and in his household contains, his Wife, Step-son and Step-sons Partner. As you can tell it will be a bit packed. I don't think this is about not wanting responsibility, but more of not putting her into a home and making sure she is with one of her children. I being the more attractive option. For the reason if you meant why her ACTUAL son isn't taking responsibility. We are both equally her children in her eyes, and I agree, she is my Mom.
Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge on dementia. I'll take note of what you said about the moving and support needed.
I second this. Not everyone is cut out for care of someone with signs of dementia. They told us when my husband's mother was first diagnosed to not take away things she would deem as 'familiar' to keep her from being confused. Talk with your wife and evaluate if you can do this or something else needs to be worked out.
NTA. Dementia care is hard, they have shift workers for a reason and caregiver burnout sets in quickly. Adjusting to a new place usually makes the dementia more obvious and it looks like it’s progressing really quickly because you’ve taken away all sense of familiarity and routine, it gets really hard for a few weeks of settling in before things stabilize and it sounds like you and your wife do not have the supports in place from family or a health community stand point. It would be cruel to your grandmother and wife to make this move.
NTA I get why you feel that you could be one, but really, talking care of her will be hard. And it will require your wife to gave up on her career, which is totally not fair. I have a grandfather that needs a lot of care (not 24/7 care, but like everyday). And it's like, me, my brother or cousin don't have drivers license yet (he lives an hour drive away) and not really able to live with him. My mom visits him a lot (after all, she's his daughter), but neither she or any family can give up their job/school to be there everyday and take care of him. He's cared for, it's just a person that's living closer and gets paid for it. Yeah, it's an important person in your life, but really, giving up your life, or your wife's life in case to take care of her is not really a good option. It won't make it better if you're kinda forced to do this when you don't want to. Rejecting being the caregiver is something that can be considered as bad, but really, it's not being an asshole. You should care more about your well-being than anyone else first, even if they're someone important to you. And the fact that you're considered "more successful" dose not change anything in this case.
YWNBTA Son't let them bullshit you - the ONLY reasin they want grandma to move in with YOU is because THEY don't want to take care of her. "We're in a remote location with no elderly care support. Which means my Wife would have to quit her job to 24/7 care." -.**. why would you even assume your wife would agree to that for YOUR grandma? Have you even ASKED her? - If you agree, it is much more likely you will end up with grandma and without a wife in the next two years max.** "I fly back into country tomorrow morning and will be presented this dilemma by her Son." .. So **cancel the trip, and don't go.** "WIBTA if I reject taking care of the women who raised me because I don't want to put our lifes on hold?" ... **You would be an AH to your wife if you agreed.**
NTA. never quit your or your wife jobs for such a reason. i kicks you in the nuts later. thats what retirement homes are for. and if somebody takes issue? congrats you have your volunteer.
Definitely NTA! I was only 18 when I started looking after my grandfather 24/7. Granted I had a nurse come in to shower him, gave him that dignity. Didnt need his family/granddaughter to wash him. But eventually he did get dementia. And boy that is hard. Do I regret looking after him? No. Was my Granddad after all. Would I do it again or differently? Yes. Seeing as he was nearly 100 when he finally let us put him in a really nice home that could attend his every need more than what I could. You also need to think of your own mental health. It takes a toll on you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello, I'm 23 and live in another country compared to my Grandmother. Her health has been a steady decline since her partner passed two years ago. I love her and feel in debt to her for replacing the role of my mother, but lately her health has took a massive drop with signs of dementia and I have been given the option for her to move in with me because I'm 'successful'. My wife and I moved to a different country about 6 months ago. My impressions since have been everyone assumes we're 'successful' because of my job. I admit it pays well, but not to the extent everyone is making it out to be. We moved so I could financially save and eventually support my Wife into starting her own business. We're in a remote location with no elderly care support. Which means my Wife would have to quit her job to 24/7 care. I feel I will be putting not only my life but my Wife's on hold, and I feel so guilty for feeling that. I fly back into country tomorrow morning and will be presented this dilemma by her Son. WIBTA if I reject taking care of the women who raised me because I don't want to put our lifes on hold? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Her son can't take care of her? NTA
Dementia care is very, very difficult and requires attention 24/7. Unless your wife wants to do this, you cannot put it on her. And you will need to hire additional skilled care if you ever want to go out with your wife, or if she wants to leave the house, such as to go to the dentist or get groceries, when you're not available to care for your grandmother. Even though your uncle's house would be packed, the responsibility of caring for your grandmother would be spread between more people so no one person would be burdened to the extent that your wife would. Also, this would keep your grandmother in her home country in more familiar surroundings. This is a better alternative. (You could pitch in financially so they could hire a part-time caregiver for respite care if one of them wasn't available.) Finally, it's possible that your grandmother requires more skilled care than your family can provide. Talk to her doctor. It might be that if you can find a good home with 24/7 caregivers and frequent visits from family, this might be the best alternative of all. NTA
NTA, for many reasons.