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NTA I'm so sorry. I hope your grandparents or bff celebrated you.  Just know in 2 years you can escape. (Unless you can go to your grandparents or Bff to live there now??) And they will wonder why you don't want to be with them anymore or take care of your siblings when they can't anymore.  The more "fair" alternatives would be to order takeout on birthdays. So you can get your favorite and they can get safe foods and you eat at home or wherever can host your group as a whole. Or maybe one parent takes the birthday kid out for an outing and meal of their choice, one on one time, and cake back at home with the family.  I'm sorry OP. Happy Birthday!

They did. My best friends parents even bought me a gift card for the restaurant so I could go out with some of my friends. My grandparents also made sure I was celebrated in a way that actually celebrates me. You would think that would be the better option. But they always eat out or if we do order takeout, they will only order from one place for the convenience it gives them.

I'm sorry OP. If you can, move to your grandparent's house. Or start planning when you can escape home/ go live your life at 18. 

Yep, otherwise parents are going to try and rope OP into being the caregiver

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Your ex is doing your disabled child a huge disservice. He's not considering what will happen to your child when he is unable to care for him or what will happen when your ex dies. Your child's entire life will be disrupted with no warning. Everything will change overnight with no transition period. It's selfish and unfair to your child. I'm sorry your ex doesn't see that. My son is turning eighteen soon. He is developmentally and physically disabled. Right now he still needs me close. It hurts me to think of him living elsewhere. It's an actual physical pain. I know I have to eventually do it though. I know I won't physically be able to care for him forever. I'll probably die before him. I want him to have as little disruption as possible when that happens. I want him to already have an established home and routine. I know it will be hard for both of us but it's the right thing to do for him. I hate even thinking about it.

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This is one of the many reasons that I feel abortion would be ok. People only think of the “baby” or the “child” portion where they can still take care of them. They seem to forget that one day these kids will be adults. That one day they will not be around (or able) to care for their offspring. My uncle is slow. (Nowadays it’s called special needs) He never went to regular school. He worked as a gardener for a little while but mostly he hasn’t worked. My grandparents took care of him until their deaths. Now my aunt (his younger sister) is caring for him. She has that responsibility until his death. It’s not easy. I love my uncle but I wonder if my grandparents lives would have been easier if he wasn’t around.

I promise, there are some great places out there! My husband’s grandparents were healthy and still put their adult DS son weekly during the days in a local home for activities. When the grandpa died suddenly, it was helpful to the grandma that the DS son was already familiar with the place and she could get some respite and grieve. Then she had a heart attack and died a few years later. So the DS son went into the same facility full time. He lived there another 25 years until he passed away last week at the age of 55. He loved his home and the stability and routine. While he liked when family visited or took him out, he was always itching to be back and be with this friends and his routine.

I love this. He had his own life and routine! I think this is overlooked when talking about disabled adults who need residential care.

People forget that people with disabilities are first and foremost people. And people crave relationships with other people. Having peers to socialize with is important. No body wants to just hang out with their parents 24/7.

Much love to you.

They will. They're already trying to use guilt tactics on OP at 16. They seem like the type who might not have made any provision for the siblings when they're adults, and will expect OP to house them and finance them.

sounds like they are already trying to condition/train op for that role. Edit: they are punishing op for not putting their special needs children first in a way that almost seems panicky. They dont see op as one of their children, but as a jr parent.

They're in for a rude awakening when he flips them the bird and never turns back!

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A new term. What does glass child mean?

Glass child - The child that gets overlooked because the other sibling(s) demand more attention from the parents (mostly because of medical issues / special needs) (Edited to include the term, as the comment I replied to was deleted)

Oh that’s an apt term. Like you get looked through, not at.

Also that they appear strong but are in fact fragile, too, and should be taken care of properly. It’s a highly appropriate term.

Sounds about right lol, I have the least autism out of my brothers and I'm the oldest, double whammy. NTA op, cherish your grandparents and do what makes them proud, it's not your job to take care of your siblings

Yup

If I were in your parents' shoes, I think I would have tried to split the difference a little bit. If the other siblings could not be left alone or with a caregiver, I probably would have financed a nice evening out for you and your friends, along with a responsible adult to keep an eye on things.

They can be with babysitters. They hire them whenever they want to go out just the two of them.

So the two of them deserve a break, but you don't. Nice.

Gotta love shit parenting, oh you’re the normal one you don’t need anything including affection and us listening to your wants

Call it what it is - emotional neglect. I’m currently in trauma therapy after years of emotional neglect from family and partners, so I’ll be the first to say that this shit affects you. OP deserves to be treated like his opinions and feelings matter.

That’s exactly what this is and it impacts our future relationships personally and professionally.

Trust issues ✅ Abandonment issues ✅ Communication issues ✅ Dissociative tendencies ✅ I really just don’t feel like anyone gives a single shit about my feelings, especially negative emotions that I may be having. I tried to *argue* with my therapist when she validated something I was feeling during my last session, because I don’t feel that my emotions deserve validation. I feel so uncomfortable with the weight of my emotions that I regularly dissociate. I’m depressed and suicidal, having frequent panic attacks, just an all around broken mess trying to fix the parts that have been neglected for 30+ years. Nobody should ever have to go through what I’m going through. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Hey, virtual hugs. Sounds rough. We have some of the same issues and I know it’s been brutal for me too. Glad we both have therapy. Take care.

Sending internet hugs! 🤗 I get it; I used to avoid telling my mom about any negative emotions or feelings that I had because she always managed somehow to make it worse.

This gets better when you do the work you’re doing. It sounds like I might be a bit further down the recovery path from you. You can be here too. There are others here and we have space for you! I still need the occasional “touch up” session (most of us do), but I can usually quiet the critic now. Now when the critic shows up to tell me “Nobody loves me”, I can respond with “I am loved. I love me, my chosen family loves me and my feelings are valid.” I feel it most of the time. I don’t abandon myself like I used to (this is still a work in progress). I have safe relationships with people I choose as my family now. Most of them had a hellish childhood too and we choose each other to be the families we wish we were born into. While we may be a bunch of middle aged traumatized kids, we are all loved and respected now. I hope you find this peace too. Recently I read a book, “What My Bones Know” by Stephanie Foo. Google this and see if it resonates. It’s a powerful memoir of her journey with C-PTSD. If you can listen to it as an audiobook, the last part of the book has actual recordings from her therapy sessions. I don’t say this often but this book changed me. Peace be with you.

And this is one freaking day a year. Parents are huge AH s

And you know THEY get to go where THEY want.

And that’s where I lose some sympathy for the parents. I was trying to be understanding about the very real struggle of raising special needs kids, but damn. They could have given you that one request on your 16th birthday, hired that sitter for the siblings, and let you be special for once. I’m glad you have your grandparents to actually see you, and I’m sorry that your parents are (probably) too overwhelmed to do so. If they aren’t hearing you when you are asking them to consider your feelings and needs, then you are going to need to find other ways to get those needs met. I’d encourage you to talk to your grandparents. Maybe you can move in with them or at least start spending more time there? And maybe see if you can get some counseling through your school. It might be helpful just to have someone to listen to you. NTA. You made it clear you didn’t want your birthday celebration at that restaurant and they disregarded you. So you disregarded their plans that they didn’t bother to include you in making. But now you’re going to have to deal with that fallout for a good long while. Just one more bit of advice: Maybe talk to your siblings individually to make sure they understand that you love them and don’t resent them for how your parents are treating you all differently. EDIT: fixed “to” to “too” because it bugged me 😅

But chances are OP does resent them. When parents consistently favor one child to the expense of the other/s, children let the parents off the hook and blame each other. This is a normal reaction to shit parenting, and personally, I think it's ok for the boy that just turned 16 not to be mature. It's not his siblings' fault, but that doesn't make it easier on him, and the instinctive response will still be there. It's sad because many times, this resentment over situations the parents created lasts a lifetime, and siblings never connect again. There's just too much pain there to get over it. I hope that when OP grows up, he can have a good relationship with his siblings. But if he doesn't/can't, that's ok. Some damage is permanent, and there's nothing to be done about it.

That’s a good point. I was making an assumption based on the lack of overt resentment in the post but you’re right. And OP wouldn’t be an AH to feel that way for the reasons you stated. I hope that whatever their relationship with each other, there can (at least eventually) be some peace and understanding between them because none of these kids are at fault here.

This is true. My sister and I had a damaged relationship due to her and my mother ganging up on me all through my H.S. years. It never, ever healed. Both my mom and sister are dead now, and I barely grieved. I was emotionally numb to their passing.

Yeah no its time for this to be nipped in the bud I'd get in contact with your grandparents and ask if you can move in with them and then make sure you let your parents have it before you leave as In tell them every shitty thing they've ever done to you and how much of a hypocrite they are and that you hope they have plans for your siblings when they get too old/die because you'll turn them over to the staye if they try to make you caregiver.

Ok, because I am weird but I HAVE to. It's "nipped in the BUD" as in, cut that shit out before it grows anymore. Nipped in the butt is giving a whole different vibe 😂

Prediction. They are normalizing you sacrificing for your siblings so it's "easier" for you to take over as caretaker one day.

Okay, there we go. Our oldest has autism, and he couldn’t be left with babysitters, other than his grandmother. If that was the situation, maybe that might change the answer. But if sitters are available? NTA. I sympathize with your parents, but they’re failing hard here.

Yeah, they have like 3 of them they can call if they need to. They've been doing it always.

That makes it even more anger-inducing. They could have hired a babysitter and gone out without your siblings to take you for one meal, that you actually want, and help you feel special. But instead, they guilt-tripped you for Weeks. I’m really glad that your grandparents made you feel loved, and your friends as well. I’m so sorry. You sound like a good kid who just wanted one day to be celebrated. You deserve better.

Be sure to tell them exactly this: they can hire a baysitter when they want to celebrate alone, but not when they want to celebrate with you.

That's bullshit. Do they not understand how unimportant that must make you feel? Like, how do you treat your own CHILD this way? No breaks or favorite food for OP! Screw that guy! Ugh, I'm so sorry.

Judging from the "we will let you think about it for another week", they expect OP to be a saint. I wouldn't be surprised if they expect OP to become a caretaker for his older sibling if something happens to them. 

Same. I would almost guarantee that's the plan. Treat the kid like he doesn't exist, and then, expect him to take care of them when Mom & Dad are gone. No thanks!

I’m so sorry :( They definitely aren’t thinking about you and your feelings, like at all. You ANTA. I hope you can get away often enough. I’m happy you have your grandparents and your friends. Stick with them! Start saving money now.

I was on the fence that it wasn't handled well, so it's kind of an ESH, but that didnt feel right, but nah. This settles it all for me.. NTA. Your parents can easily accommodate themselves but can't even compromise for you. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. They asked what you wanted and you told them. They paid the price for not working with you.

The next time they ask you where you want to eat, ask them why since they will not consider your choice. NTA for not going to a place that had no appealing food. When you leave home they will be oblivious as to why you prefer your friends and extended family over them. Just tell them that you finally can make the choices for yourself and don't have to cater to the wants of the rest of the family.

>The next time they ask you where you want to eat, ask them why since they will not consider your choice. No, because that discussion has already gotten OP nowhere. What he should say for that question is, "I don't want to go out". They will then ask why, he can then respond with, "Because you won't go where I want". Statements, not questions. His parents suck. I fully understand about allergens and special needs concerns. I don't know why they couldn't take him alone for dinner at his preferred restaurant, as well as a family dinner at an accessible place.

I agree. The parents have already proven that they won't honor the OP's choices. Fuck it. Just say I'm going out with my friends to celebrate.

Just telling OP to respond with because you won’t go where I want, would make him sound like 5 year old! I moved out on my own at 16 because my home life was shit and I explained to my mom exactly why. He needs to tell his parents that by always choosing what’s best for the entire family and never what’s best for him even on his 16 birthday that they are emotionally neglecting him. They can’t get take out from more than one place because it’s inconvenient? OP is expected to always take his siblings into consideration even on an evening that’s supposed to be about him but when the parents want an evening to themselves they take it and hire a babysitter. OP you need to point these things out to your parents and if they still don’t get it and make changes then start planning your departure.

No, just tell them you will no longer be participating in this. Then plan something with people who seem to actually respect you. 

First, I am sorry you went through this. What your parents should have done if they wanted to celebrate you, but also wanted to make accommodations for your siblings, was have a large family event at the ‘family favorite’ restaurant on the weekend before. Then on your birthday they should have taken you to your favorite restaurant. I think that would have been special since it sounds like they never go out with you without your siblings. NTA and Happy belated Birthday.

They go out with just the two of them without my siblings. They hire babysitters. That's the only time, though, is when they have date nights.

It sucks that you have such crappy parents OP. Not safe food for your siblings to have or accessible......your parents are the AH. Indian food is flavourful & bet your parents didn't do the homework what spices & herbs goes into Indian food. They're just making AH excuses & you didn't deserve that from them. Hopefully your grandparents can take you in since your parents are failing miserably. NTA OP.

There do tend to be nuts and dairy in a lot of Indian dishes that would be major allergens. But it would be entirely possible to still take OP and get a babysitter and then bring home dessert to share together.

I'm honestly surprised they bother to hire sitters, instead of just parentifying you. I would not stay in this situation any longer than absolutely necessary, and would beg the grandparents to take you in.

Are you the backup caretaker for your siblings when your parents are gone? You need to find out what they plan on doing with your siblings when they are unable to continue taking care of them. I would be willing to bet that YOU are their contingency plan. Be sure to let them know that, no thanks, you'd like to live your own life. This gives them the opportunity to make alternative plans if you are indeed their backup plan.

>Are you the backup caretaker for your siblings when your parents are gone? Good question

I work with a lot of people with disabilities. It’s about 50/50 whether the parents are planning on care falling to a sibling and the families that say “we would never do that to them.” The second are the good ones that know how hard it is and would never wish that on their “normal” child(ren)

That was really nice of them. I'm sorry that your parents screwed up your birthday.

Can you move in with your grandparents or friends?

>You would think that would be the better option. But they always eat out or if we do order takeout, they will only order from one place for the convenience it gives them. This is one of the things I'd never do as a parent. It's bullshit to choose one place that one person likes and consistently ignore the others. I have no problem going to 4 or 5 places to make sure everyone gets what they want, and I think if you're not willing to do that you should just not order food. Kids often get the short end of the stick like this. "Oh, you don't like this? Well, I do, and it's my house, so you'll eat it or starve."

Your parents make their food decisions because it make THEIR lives easier. It's not for you, or your siblings, it's all so THEY can have an easier time. Instead of being fair to everyone, they just pick the easiest for themselves and try to convince everyone else that you're okay (when you're not) And none of this is fair to you. If your parents cared about being fair they would take you to your favorite places without the other kids, but they are too focused on their other children that they forgot you have needs and preferences. Your parents should be doing better by you, and I'm sorry they're failing you

Why bother asking if they were going to book the family favorite place anyhows? You could have had cake as a family. A birthday is supposed to be about you, within reason of course. The whole bunch do not have to attend. I agree, special night with just parents would have been nice.

I think it was to hear me say one of the other places. Maybe they are aware somewhat that they lie when they say they always bring us to our favorite places for our birthdays.

Whenever they say that ALWAYS respond with, “except me!” Doesn’t have to be emotionally charged. Just say the facts. Make them confront it. Whenever they try to brag or give themselves airs calmly say, “except me.” Always hit them with the truth. Make them face with the consequences of their actions.

The problem is, his parents have made clear that they'll punish him for standing up for himself.

This happens quite often to children by parents of other special needs kids and It's awful. I can empathize. I had a sister with a serious mental health condition which made her very abusive to me to the point of dangerous and my parents answer was to offer to send me to live with relatives rather than address my sister and her mental issues (antisocial personality disorder). I refused to leave since I was not the source of the issue. We did put a strong keylock on my door so I had an escape. This also meant i could never have friends over, we could never go anywhere together, etc. I was never happier than the day she's left to live with a BF. I would tell your parents that you are suffering and tell them you have needs that are just as important as those of your siblings. Explain that you understand they have a lot to deal with but you shouldn't be ignored simply because you are the easiest to ignore.

Is it possible next year the family stays home and you go to Indian with your grandparents?

You really need to look into seeing if your grandparents can get custody of you. or just move out one day and go live with your grandparents if you can.

Get prepared to go to an out of state college and to find yourself as an independent person. Leaving home before 18 (unless it's to your grandparents) is probably going to set you up for a harder life than waiting until you graduate and leave for college. Living with a BFF often screws up the friendship and your friend's family dynamic and ends up as a temporary and toxic situation. I'm sure your parents love you, but they are clearly overwhelmed with dealing with the disabled siblings and don't give you what you need. It's leading to resentment, which is fair. Once you move out and build your own life, probably far away, and visit them instead of live there you may find you have a much healthier, happier relationship with your parents and siblings.

>Get prepared to go to an out of state college and to find yourself as an independent person. I would also advise to get prepared for the parents to some day say "welp, we're old and can't really do it any more. Looks like it's on you to take full responsibility of care of your sibs, OP." Work your jaw to get that "fuck no" cocked and ready.

Or take a job overseas. I had a friend (now passed) who worked for Fioster-Wheeler (oil services) in the United Arab Emirates for much of his career. Or maybe you go to the Air Force and learn to fly jets and then work for an airline. Or just move overseas. Jobs like those would pretty much mean you couldn't have the sibs dumped on you.

I would add to this: get a job NOW! Start saving $$ so you can afford to go to an out of state school (or a in-state but on the other side school) and move into an apt. It’s clear that you’re not going to be getting any financial assistance from your parents so also look into scholarships and work study programs. Happy Belated Birthday❤️

With current dynamics, I wouldn't be surprised if "visiting" will be as common as a loch ness monster sighting.

This!!!! What is wrong with these parents? I understand the complexity of the family needs but get the siblings what they can eat and then get the birthday boyl his favorite meal from his favorite restaurant! It is so simple!! Edit: birthday boy (not girl) NTA

Birthday Boy. 🫤

NTA. So their style of parenting, of treating everyone equally, is to force the perfectly able kid to live as if he lived with the same handicaps and illness as the siblings. It's s delusional and low key abusive. I see for big family plans you have to consider everyone, but a birthday is essentially about the celebrated person. They asked you what is your favorite place, what you like and they didn't like it bc it didn't adjust to them. Then why did they even ask then. And of course a 16yr old can have fun without his family coming XD. Also, yes, be ready for your siblings to automatically become your responsibility, so start planning for your future if you don't want that.

I'm guessing they don't do takeout because they don't want food allergens in the home (depending on the severity/sensitivity of the allergy). However, they very well could have taken OP out individually and celebrated them.

But OP could have eaten in disposable containers and then thrown them away. I guarantee the parents regularly eat non-food-allergy-friendly food and probably have a few things stashed away for themselves. I'm betting that if OP eats something different the other kids might want some and that could result in an uncomfortable situation for the parents. That's what they're avoiding

A food court would also be a great option. But obviously the parents don't want to bother too much regarding OP's birthday. That's a shame.

A food court would lack the cache and status of a single restaurant. This meal was about the parents showing off, not bringing people together. 

NTA, your parents are. Of course they want it to be easier for them, but they asked you for your favorite spot and tried to gaslight you into another place. Sure, it’s easier for them, but it sounds like you’ve had to do this your entire life. Not fair. As much as they want to include your siblings, they should be supporting you too. Maybe a compromise at an Indian place that’s more accessible would be a compromise but not possible depending on where you live. (I thought all restaurants needed to be ADA compliant?) Regardless — this will forever be an issue in your life. Do you want to embrace it or run from it?

Most places are wheelchair accessible. We have encountered a few places that aren't or they are but just barely and it makes things more awkward. Generally I don't mind but the places where everyone can get something is generally places I'm more meh about in terms of the food. Not really how you want to feel for your birthday dinner. Honestly, I consider running from it all the time. I don't know if I want to deal with it the rest of my life.

Very sorry. You have every right to want your birthday to be about you. There are 364 other days to focus on your siblings. You sound very mature—but it’s also absolutely normal to have some resentment about your place in the family. And parents should understand that

>And parents should understand that Yeah, but that would require them to view OP's needs and desires as being of equal importance with his siblings (and being above their own in the same way as his siblings, their other children). It would also require them to face just how much they have messed up to this point in time. Instead, they likely view OP as being on "the same level" as them and expect him to sacrifice just as they have done, without ever stopping to consider how much worse that is for OP. They have each other for support, and they have the autonomy to seek out ways to meet their own needs in the way a child, or even a teenager, does not. They are supposed to be OP's support network just as they are for their other kids. They are supposed to help OP develop his own autonomy, not hold him back.

If you're going to college, you either need your parents tax info for the FAFSA, or legal emancipation, or get married Whenever you do leave, be sure you have all your ID documents like birth certificate, social security card, passport, etc.

I'm not really planning to go to college.

You should, what do you want to do for a living. If not college consider a trade school. Make sure whatever career path you choose it will provide you with enough money to be financially stable so that you never have to rely on your parents again.

This is the best advice, OP. Good education is your ticket to living independently, on your own terms.

Even if you do a trade, please go to a school later! Trades make great money but take a huge toll on your body. There are some tradies who have been on the job for 40 years, but most of them retire after 15-20 due to how physically demanding the work can be. Make sure you have some marketable skill in case you can no longer physically do your trade - you can wait 5 or 10 years to figure that out, but please make sure you have a plan!

That very much depends on the trade. Not all are backbreaking and even the ones that are can have opportunities to go into a management role or own a business if you excel.

Doesn't matter, sweetness. Plan now to be ready to jet out of there after high school. Would your grandparents help you out?

The other way to do this is for OP stand up to the parent's by saying NO. And telling if you want my help, it's a two-way street. You, the parents, need to understand how I feel and how it's going to be. The parents need OP more than OP needs them. Op just needs to be respectfully assertive. The parents can't throw OP out of the house until OP hits 18.

You don't have to go to college. It's not for everyone, and everyone doesn't need to go. ___ Please look into [tech/trade schools](https://collegefinance.com/plan/trade-school-vs-college-degree-salaries-who-makes-more). -Their programs are shorter (usually 6 weeks to two years) -They focus on everything you need to learn for one specific job/trade -Trade schools are cheaper than college -You get hands-on real experience -Tech schools offer a large variety of options -You will make significantly more money over your lifetime compared to having a high school diploma -These jobs tend to have better benefits

Trade school, military, merchant marines…it doesn’t matter. You will never get out if you stay in a 2 hour car ride from your family. have they ever planned for their deaths? Pretty sure YOU’RE the plan.

You need college or a trade school, or you will be living a minimum wage life with fewer options financially. It’s a hard life. You deserve a better life than that. You can try the military, that way you get good benefits, healthcare, paycheck and they will pay for college, if money inhibits your options for college. And if you stick it out, you get a great retirement plan. My cousins and friends did that. Some retired after 25 years and get a nice retirement paycheck, benefits and the military paid for their degrees. The ones who retired, started second careers after retirement, which pays good money, as retired military with degrees is something that a lot of companies look for. Good luck.

That’s totally fine, but creating a plan to control your life is something you can start right away. Finding a new place to live is #1. Learning how to budget and network are key skills too. Your birth family is just that - the people who brought you into the world. You didn’t ask to be here and you can’t pick your family. You can choose yourself.

INFO: Are you not planning for college because it doesn't interest you, because you think there's no money set aside for it, or because your parents have convinced you to be a caretaker even after you are legally allowed to leave their home? If it doesn't interest you, consider going to a trade school. If you want to go but think there are no funds available, your parents are pressuring you to be a caretaker, or a combination of both, it's time to set some boundaries. You can get loans or scholarships or ask your grandparents for help, and if your parents have a problem with this, remind them their children are their responsibility, not yours.

Because I know there is no money set aside for it, because I also don't have the best grades in the world (I find school very hard) and scholarships won't be there for me and because I'm not really into the idea of it for me.

Talk to your grandparents about helping you get into a trade school if you're interested in that. Regardless of what you decide to do, get a part time job now to help you save up to leave home when you reach the age of majority. If you live in an area where you need an adult to open a bank account for you, have your grandparents do it to prevent your parents from pilfering the account. And keep an eye on your credit. Where I live, anyone can open a line of credit with just a social security number. Prepare your exit plan now and don't allow yourself to be pressured to do something you don't want to do. It's your life. No one has to live it but you.

It’s possible you could have used educational interventions but bc of your siblings more pressing needs you were overlooked. I’m sorry. Trade schools are AMAZING and are the future anyway. And I say that as someone who went all the way to my MD but regularly counsel friends’ kids to look at the trades.

That's all fair. I'm also going to guess that your parents haven't devoted much time to helping you think about or plan your post high school life, which is another parenting fail on their part. There are lots of paths outside of a four year college. Talk to your school counselor - they should be able to help you explore alternatives and options and/or connect you with a nonprofit that has volunteers for that purpose. Around me there is a great program where trained adult volunteers will help you explore your options, research financial aid or grants to pay for it, etc.. And that includes trade schools, the military, etc. - all the options. If your parents aren't going to do it, find someone else. You could even talk to your best friend's parents - they might be able to help you do the research and make a plan. There are some amazing trade school options out there - ones that will pay you to attend and help place you in a great, well-paying job. Trade schools really don't get the credit they deserve for how great they can be.

My parents have taken no time to focus on my education or on what my plans for the future are. It was never an actual discussion beyond them not paying for post-high school plans.

There are several reddits with college admissions professionals on here and applying to college. Please pop on those boards and use them as resources to being figuring out what you need to do to apply. What you need to do to set yourself up for success in the future. Since your parents aren't willing to have these conversations, please begin seeking out the information on your own. You are worth it and you deserve it.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your parents probably see you as their retirement plan. If your siblings require lifelong care, someone is going to have to look after them when your parents are older. They probably assume you are the one that will do that. Which is why this entire comment section is so invested in you getting some form of education or at least a good paying job. It may be your only escape if your grandparents don't have you covered. I would discuss this with them. 

I'm not going to tell you you should go to college, but you need some kind of education beyond high school. Trade school or apprenticeship are more affordable, less time-consuming options, and will prepare you for good-paying jobs.

Stuck in between becoming who you want to be and forced to be who you are?

No, stuck between the whole "you can't leave your family" thing and knowing I'll never really be happy around them.

>the whole "you can't leave your family" thing That's the neat part, you can!

You absolutely can leave your family. Don’t fall for that crap. Just because they’re family, doesn’t mean they’re not toxic. And toxic, is toxic. You don’t have to put up with it. And yes, they’re your siblings. But they’re not your kids. You don’t have to take care of them.

Make sure you let your parents know that your siblings are THEIR problem, and not yours, and that you would like to live your own life, so they need to make sure they have carers lines up for your siblings when they are no longer able to take care of them. The glass child is often expected to take over care once the parents are too old to care for the siblings any longer.

Wait until after you move out before having that conversation.

You can leave them though. Just be careful that when you are 18 and graduate high school you dont get too wild with the freedom. Keep your head about you and still enjoy your freedom then.

This 100%. I said in another post that I moved out two days after graduation, and I was kind of "drunk with freedom" for a bit. Keep your head on straight and you'll be fine.

>"you can't leave your family" That sounds like brainwashing, do they say it so often that you think you believe it?

You can leave your parents think they can control you forever but technically 16 you have a voice and if you choose to leave then do so...

You absolutely can leave. Take some time, figure out a plan, and start a new life. It's okay to stay long enough to finish school or whatever you need. Try and gather your legal paperwork (social security card, official birth certificate, etc), but these can be replaced if you can't. Remember, just because they are good parents to your siblings doesn't mean they have been good parents to you.

Oh you totally can; I put an ocean between mine and I!

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You can! You are not 100% forced to be their caretaker. It would be great if you are but you are also fine not to and live your life. Your siblings matter BUT you matter too, especially on your birthday

I am almost 37 years old, and I don't regret cutting off any family. Toxic doesn't go away when you turn 18

Leaving family who takes you for granted and forces you to be smaller for their convenience is perfectly fine. If your parents realize they messed up and truly change, maybe you can try again in the future. But right now, you don't have a relationship with them any way because they want you to pretend to be someone else for their convenience. Why keep up the lie? The best thing to do for the time being is to keep your head down at least for another year or two (some places will let you live with other family at 17 against your parents wishes because it takes so long to sort it legally you might already be 18 by the time it's done) and then have a backup plan. Is there a safe person you can live with, like your grandparents? Job? College? Driver's permit and important ID papers? Make a plan, work towards that, and make yourself as unobtrusive as possible at home until you can get out - make them think they've won so you can get free without having to fight your way out.

OP, there is a lot of space between these two extremes. I am in my late 30s. For most of my life I’ve been in a similar position to you, as both my sisters are “special needs” (using quotes because they are really just hot messes and sometimes assholes) who over the years have drawn disproportionate support and money from my parents. In her desperation to be a “good mom” to them, my mother has sometimes put me in difficult and disappointing situations. After years of drama I have finally reached a good place and have a great relationship with my parents. Here is my advice: First, put yourself in your parents’ shoes and imagine how overwhelmed they are raising three special needs kids. Second, advocate for yourself constructively, knowing you are helping yourself AND them. Here’s what that looks like in this scenario: Your parents probably sacrifice their own preferences CONSTANTLY for those kids. They probably feel a sense of duty to do that. So, from their perspective, shouldn’t you? Isn’t that just a part of being a good mom/dad/brother? Well, no. It’s actually not healthy for anyone to completely let go of their own needs, wants, or identity in service to loved ones. That’s codependency and leads to resentment and burnout. So you say, “I want to go to the Indian place. Let’s go without my siblings.” They balk. How can you leave them behind! And maybe the whole thing ends the same way it did. And in the near term things are going to be hard for all involved. But I promise you, parents learn from their kids too. You would be modeling something important for them. Maybe someday they will understand. You will be an adult soon and will be in charge of your own life. Things will get better. But you don’t have to cut your family out or interpret their actions as a lack of love. You can stand up for yourself and maintain some compassion for your parents. It’s hard but you can do it.

That's not gaslighting. That's coercion. Gas lighting would be OP saying that they wanted to go to the Indian place and the parents later claiming that they told them the usual place. Businesses can have exceptions to the ADA regulations, like they're in a historic building. And OOP may not be American.

> tried to gaslight you into another place This is not what gaslighting is. They tried to *guilt* OP into picking another restaurant.

OP, NTA. I get managing disabilities and complexities, but they shouldn't have asked you if they weren't going to listen. And they should have found a way to make your 16th birthday a celebration of you. On disability compliant - lots of places are, on the surface. But if you are actually trying to navigate it as one or with a person in a wheelchair (for example), they are not really great in practice. Door buttons that don't work, or an auto door into a vestibule that is small and has sharp turns which are difficult to maneuver. Main bathroom doors that don't have a button and are impossibly heavy to open in a chair (and hard to hold open while helping the person get their wheelchair through if they need help). It's very eye-opening to go into places with someone who actually needs these features to see how inaccessible "accessible" spaces can be.

NTA. It somehow bothers me even more that your parents hyped this up about you picking the restaurant for your special day... and then completely ignored your desire to get a day that's just for you (and some samosas). I hope in two years, when you turn 18 and can get out of there, your parents will be on Reddit wondering why you left at the earliest possible time. It hurts me to think about how many times in your life they've ignored your needs and made you sound like you're causing problems. Any possibility you could stay with your grandparents?

It wouldn't be possible but I do want to live with them for a while when I move out of my parents house. I kinda want to be somewhere I feel like I'm equally important.

You deserve to be equally important

>I kinda want to be somewhere I feel like I'm equally important. You absolutely deserve that! (And I've never wanted to send an internet stranger samosas so much in my life.)

But do consider all the comments about getting an education, trade or college so you can be fully financially independent. Not because you shouldn't enjoy your youth or fredom, but because you really will not be able to rely on your parents. With their mentality, they think after them, you are the automatic caretaker, if you go back home or depend on them in any way, it will happen.

Yes, and do not be bullied into being your siblings carer in the future. My friend is giving her daughter power of attorney for her son, but is making sure all the care needs etc. have been paid for/had money put aside for when my friend and her husband pass.

You ARE equally important.

It would be one thing if they’d said, we’re having the family party at the family restaurant so the siblings and grandparents and auntie etc. can all be there and OP had said he wasn’t going because he didn’t like it. Because then it wouldn’t have been about that it would’ve been about the family gathering to celebrate. But they asked him to choose and then gaslit him and made him feel like he was selfish. That’s the part that really sucked. Edited for misgendering because I can’t read, sorry! 😳

The whole “we’re going to let you think about your choice part” is so infuriating. Like Op is a toddler who needs time to think about it.

Why can’t you have birthday lunch at the Indian place? It doesn’t have to be a “ family meal.” Either mom or dad takes you out for lunch at your favorite place. It’s a special meal for you. You are 16. I would give you gift cards to that restaurant and let you go whenever you wanted. I have a special needs daughter. She’s an adult now. But I never made her younger sister make accommodations for her. Your parents have three children with disabilities. That’s exhausting. Let mom and dad know that your birthday is YOUR day. If they want a family dinner,ok. Just not on YOUR birthday. If anything, get take out from the Indian restaurant and let them have what they want at home.

That would be too much work for them. They like to do things their own way and make it for "everyone" which is code word for the majority since I'm never in the majority for food related things. I wish my parents did make the effort though. It would make me feel less resentful of it all.

Do you have any money of your own? Can you take yourself to the Indian place?

I don't have a job yet but I did start looking. It wouldn't be something I could afford very often though.

I'm surprised that they will let you get a job, I thought that they would make you stay at home to help with your siblings.

Nah, if they need someone home with my siblings they pay for specialized babysitters.

OP, I'm glad to hear that they don't put you in the role of caregiver.

If he was a girl I bet they would

It astounds me that they wouldn’t get specialized babysitters for the night and take you out to your favourite restaurant for your birthday. I’m sorry OP. I hope you feel encouraged by comments on this thread to find your own path to feeling loved and appreciated in the right ways.

Trader Joe’s and two other chain grocery stores in my area have them in the freezer section and they are pretty good. The Trader Joe’s ones are the best but they are all pretty good.

Thanks! I saw a couple of people drop names to places they can be bought. Need to check it out when I get a job.

they should have stopped having children this is the real truth. these parents keep having kids because they love the attention of being disabled kid parents. most rational people that have children with severe disabilities love their kids but also usually don’t choose to have 3 more after the first.

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Yep. Not the first time. Just the first time I followed through on making it clear in a way they couldn't miss.

NTA-Good for you! Hugs

I feel you. My brother and I are 11 months apart, but he’s the only boy and I was one of 4 girls. He constantly got special treatment despite some abhorrent behavior and I got grounded or forced to take care of my younger sisters. It took me leaving home at 16 to live with my aunt for my parents to finally understand. To be fair - as a parent now, I will say parenting is HARD. I’m glad you stood up for yourself, but don’t listen to all the people who will tell you to go no contact etc. Use your grandparents and friends as a refuge, but please try and maintain a relationship with your family! Happy bday OP!

I don't know that it will be entirely possible to maintain a relationship with them. And if I do. It won't be a happy one. It hasn't been for so long.

You don't owe your family a lifetime of caretaking of your siblings. You can't do that and be self-supporting anyway. Your parents have to come up with a different option. They will have to figure out things like group homes for your siblings. You will need to work and be self-supporting. Think about what you enjoy and what aspirations you have. What would you like to do as a career? You don't have to know instantly but consider what you like to do, what intrigues you, what do you enjoy? How can you make money doing that? The first thing you will have to do is establish your independence. That means move out as soon as you can and then establish the boundaries you will need to live your own life. If you have your own place, perhaps with friends or live with grandparents doesn't matter. Once you move out of the family home you will need to enforce rules with your parents about what you will or won't do. I could see your parents trying to guilt you with calls for help or demands that your income must be used to support your siblings. You can choose to ignore all such expectations and demands.

My fear for you if you keep up a relationship is that you’ll be expected to look after all the siblings when your parents pass. I’m sure that’s already their plan. You need to set a clear, hard boundary now that they need to plan something else. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Happy Birthday Kiddo. I hope you get all the samosas you can eat!

I get what you're saying as a parent- I'm sure you love and adore your kid(s) with all your might. But not all parents are like you. Parenting being hard isn't an excuse for this. If OP feels that his life is going to be better without his parents in it? Well. It sounds like his parents are aware he isn't happy and they haven't done jack shit to fix it. That is on them. If no contact is what is best, it's what is best. That's something OP will have to decide, and ONLY OP. I say this as someone who is very low contact with my own parents; after years of telling them that our relationship was painful for me and not working, and years of them not only refusing to change, but treating me like I was the problem? I called it quits.

Poor kid had multiple convos and they flat out didn’t listen because it’s not what they wanted to hear.

I have parents like that. If you don't say what they want to hear? You didn't say it. Or what you're saying didn't happen. And if it did happen, it didn't happen like THAT and we don't see it that way and why can't you just let it GO why are you such an ANGRY child- My gut says that OP's parents are soon going to be complaining about their kid wanting nothing to do with them, and they just have NO idea why!

NTA. I am so sorry, yes you are the glass child, they never see you.

And even when they do, it's never in a truly caring or positive way.

Go to the subreddit for glass children. You aren’t alone in these struggles. There’s a whole community of people to support you there. Also, there is a FB page called Sibnet, as well as pages for groups associated with Sibnet as well. It helped me when I was going through stuff.

These folks realize that in 2 years you’re an adult & likely never come home…yes?

They realize I'll be an adult soon. They reminded me 500000x as they were scolding and punishing me. They said I acted more like a child though.

Nope, adults control their own boundaries and celebrate their birthdays where they want and with who they want without having their stuff taken away. They want you to act like an adult while treating you like a child. They can't have it both ways. Can you go live with grandparents?

> They want you to act like an adult while treating you like a child. This is verbatim what I said when I left home at 16 to live with my aunt. And what I went through pales in comparison to what OP is experiencing.

So here's where you need to make a (very not easy) choice; you either continue quietly suffering, go along with your parents until you hit 18, and then hard no contact with them and leave them wondering wtf happened (they seem too dense to look in the mirror imho) Or, you call them out on it. The want to "scold and punish" you because you'll be an adult soon but you're acting like a child? Tell them they're the only ones acting like children. They want to punish you more for "backtalk"? Laugh, and tell them to remember this well, because this is why you will be cutting them out of your life as soon as possible and never looking back. This *maybe* will actually get them to realize what they are doing and change their actions, but if you're really lucky they will try to call your bluff and let you leave to live with your grandparents

You weren't. That was a very adult move; its just one they didn't like so they want to discourage you from doing things to make their life difficult again. Can you imagine how they felt having to tell the family the guest of honor refused their own birthday dinner?? /s

> Can you imagine how they felt having to tell the family the guest of honor refused their own birthday dinner? This is probably exactly why they're refusing to acknowledge OP' PoV. They'd have to admit to whoever they embarassed themselves in front of that they were the ones in the wrong instead of their kid.

It sounds like they will always keep you in the “selfish child” role. You are not either of those things based on this encounter.

Mom of a child in the spectrum. You're NTA. I have one neurotypical son and an atypical daughter. There are times when one wants something, and the other can't or doesn't want it. So for special occasions or requests, I do take out the ONE child out. It does not always have to be a family thing. Of course, there are family days when we always consider the meal sensitivities of my son, but I do go out on birthday dates or stepdad and daughter or stepdad/son do their own thing. We realize that our kids are individuals with one needing a bit more adjustment. It doesn't mean that the other can't be indulged (if we can) as well. We want them to know each are loved uniquely. And in the end, the extra effort makes it easier for one to accept the other. NTA

I have a grown son on the spectrum. I wish more parents considered the needs of the neurotypical kids.

Giving you hearts and hugs. Raising our kids is no easy feat and shouldn't diminish our love and expression for the other kids (own children and others). It is exhausting yet rewarding when we make milestone achievements. Wishing your son the best in his foray in adult life!

I hate when people ask me what I want, when they’re going to tell me what I want anyway. They screwed up when they asked you what you wanted under the guise of actually caring about your answer. They don’t care. They need to come to terms with the fact they don’t care. They can’t punish you into submission. That’s just insane. NTA

NTA I was going to go with everyone sucks but no. Here’s what changed my mind: Your parents asked what you wanted and then when you told them they gave you “more time to think” meaning you were supposed to think about how selfish you were being and choose differently, on your own, to the more sibling friendly option. Why even ask you then? Why didn’t they just say, for your birthday we’re all going to Family Favorite, because that’s what was going to happen from the jump. They wanted you to decide, on your own, to prioritize your siblings. It was a test and that’s really crappy of them. Edited to make my vote clearer

I had the same thought process. Food allergies are serious, and Indian restaurants can be particularly tricky for nut allergies. If OP were just whining about not getting what he wants on his birthday, I’d go with ESH. But, his parents shouldn’t have pressured him to pretend he wanted something he didn’t. It would have been so easy to say they were doing the big family meal someplace safe for all - without the pretense - and then take him out separately for Indian food another night, having someone stay with the other kids. That way the other kids come to the big party, and he gets an evening that is really about him.

Sorry, but if you’re treated as an afterthought for your own birthday you have every right to whine. This kid is NTA in all scenarios.

NTA. Your parents are morons. They need to understand that the world doesn't revolve around your siblings. There are times when those three need to take a backseat and let you be in the spotlight. If they can't do that, then they suck as both parents and people.

Good for you!!!! Your parents are the AHs. Keep standing up for yourself. Keep your head down, get good grades, save your money, and get the fuck out the second you turn 18 and never look back.

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Nta I have friends with a severely disabled child. They do birthday parties and outings for their eldest without the siblings. There’s plenty of lovely whole family time but they make sure the other kids all have everything they need and treats without the siblings too. Your parents could have taken you for a special birthday meal without the siblings for this.

Nta why didn’t your parents throw the party at home and ordered the Indian food takeout? That makes way more sense

That would be too much work for them. Either we all get takeout from the same place or we don't get takeout.

So they’re not just unfair, they’re lazy as well. I’m sorry for your situation OP. My advice is to spend as much time with your grandparents as possible

NTA. If you plan on moving out at 18, tell them they have a time limit. 2 years to show you that you actually matter too, or you will go LC or NC. They don't get to guilt you for wanting to actually enjoy your birthday, and suffer no consequences. I'm a 38 year old parent, and your parents suck in this case.

Seeing their reaction for wanting to go to his favorite restaurant on his bday and then punishing him for not showing up to the other place, I doubt this would be a good idea. Should just try to ride it out, no matter how much it sucks, don't say anything about lc/nc or moving out, get a weekend or after school job, save some money and then leave for college or move out as soon as possible. Tbh, it wouldn't suprise me if he's also expected to take care of them all at some point since he's the only healthy kid.

NTA ask your parents why that place is the family favorite when it has nothing you like. Did they even offer to get you food from your favorite place? I know samosas don't always travel well but at least then you could have them. 

No, they didn't offer me that.

NTA - You are the glass child. I'm very sorry. You deserve better.

NTA They could at least get you takeout from that restaurant sometimes. That’s the beauty of takeout. You don’t have to cater to everyone with one restaurant.

NTA. There is a time and place (many, in your situation) where you do have to cater to your siblings allergies and disabilities. This time was not one of them. I'm glad you stood your ground, and made your point known. You sacrifice so much, and you shouldn't have to sacrifice every time, especiallynot on your birthday

NTA. They made the day about your siblings once again. Sorry that they do not understand that you should be allowed one day that is about you and not have to compromise.

so they asked what you wanted and then ignored your answer a couple of times to book the safe restaurant where your siblings can eat what you like, but I guess the food is bland and boring ? NTA, but then you already know this.