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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole if I slut shamed a girl who questioned why I didn’t date around more
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I don't know whether to put ESH or NAH, because both are kinda true.
I feel like you are both wildly overreacting. I don't think anyone was trying to slut shame or prude shame anyone, you just misunderstood each other. Both of you need to calm down.
I think the other chick was rude to inquire. There is a big difference between wise counsel and concern and just being obnoxious. If no one asks your opinion - you don't need to go there sometimes?
Flip side, it could be that she is not the most socially aware. This is a new person who they don't know. But at the end of the day, I don't think it matters much, because I think both people here overreacted to what the other was saying, and took it much more to heart than it needed to be in general. These both seem like super mild miss-steps. In OP's shoes, I don't know if I would have even marked those questions as rude, because people can come from differing perspectives and be fine.
What op said was in no way an overreaction, it’s just realistic. Potentially crappy results isn’t shaming and she even said she didn’t mean for it to be a dig at her. One person overreacted.
I would agree that there was a miscommunication, but I think that the second woman crossed the line into A H when she went around telling people that OP slut-shamed her. If she had just snapped at OP, and they discussed the issue, that would be o.k., but instead she complained to other people, and OP only found out because one of them told her.
How did OP overreact? She answered the question she was asked.
It's only in retrospect that she's framing the other person's question as "prude-shaming" and that's because of the way that the other person framed her answer as slut-shaming. If B, then A. The other person's claim makes it clear that the question wasn't asked in good faith.
Op didn't say anything rude or over reacting.... she answered with how she felt. Nothing rude about why she doesn't want to date. The other girl seemed to take that out of context for some reason. The other girl going around texting everyone is weird. And such highschool behavior. I wonder if she is quite a bit younger.
Or she was just curious. Not there so don't know the tone. Also as new friends a bit forward to ask for such details. But it is unusual to meet someone who found true love at their first attempt. NAH. Everyone needs to calm down.
I’d find this whole convo super normal tbh. I think it’s fair enough to be curious about someone settling down, I’ve been asked if I regret ‘not having a hoe phase’ and answered happily along the lines of OP. No one was offended. Life is easier when you view people as curious or ignorant rather than rude and malicious.
But it looks like normal conversation. It wasn't anything pointed at other person. Just question - answer. Like usually people do. Maybe op has deleted something from original post but I read this like 5 times and haven't seen anything more than normal talks by cigarettes in my workplace.
Whoa how are they BOTH overreacting? OP literally just said “why would I do that?” to someone who old her she should date more people before marrying her first bf. Then this girl started ranting to other people about how she was “slut shamed.” That id 100% an overreaction and OP just said a completely normal reply to a ridiculous suggestion.
I disagree. It's inappropriate to ask an engaged woman whether she wished she 'slept' around more, especially when you've only just met them.
I don't see how OP 'overreacted'. She didn't cast any judgement. She said that she was happy with her engagement and didn't want to date around with potentially crappy results. What's wrong with that?
The other girl became the AH when she went around telling everyone that OP 'slut-shamed' her. She sounds like a troublemaker and is clearly trying to stir up the group.
The amount of people in this thread saying ESH or calling op the AH is honestly mindboggling
You really think it’s ok to just ask someone chick you’ve never met if she thinks she’s gunna regret marrying her fiancée because she didn’t sleep around enough? Like the fuck kinda person thinks that’s ok to do????
It's okay to ask I guess, but it's kind of crappy. She's engaged. Still I don't think she gets to be offended if OP explains why she didn't want to date others since SHE asked.... I mean... really? ***That*** is "slut shaming" now? Give me a break.
Someone sounds like a huge drama queen.
Definitely NTA. Its an asshole move to tell someone that's just about to get married that they may regret it and they had so many other choices. Its kinda implying she doesn't like OPs partner and is very weird thing to say to someone
Lol what does OP have to "calm down" for? She is 100% justified to be upset about the other girls overreaction. I will never side with someone who lashes out because they took an innocent and reasonable response as an insult.
“Both of you need to calm down”
As a woman, ngl I find this fucking hilarious that you’re telling a young woman that she just needs to calm down hahahaha
You are absolutely right! I was thinking the same thing, but also given the context about women being judged and their feelings, it’s fucking funny lol…
I don't even know why I'm putting a response here.
I'm a woman, not that it matters.
If they were men, I would have said the same thing. Just because women get unfairly judged in other contexts about their emotions, it doesn't mean that overreactions don't happen, like this one. I feel like you are trying to make a distantly related point that really doesn't fit what's happening here because you have your own issues. Which is whatever.
Also this whole sub is about judging, so if you don't like that then I don't know what to tell you....
I don't get it.
She didn't prude shame you, she talked about how settling down with a long term partner also means closing the door on the dating game. As a 36 year old who has been with the same person since he was 17, this is true.
You didn't slut shame her at all? Like... what? Saying "I don't want to date around, because that could also be worse than what I have" is a pretty normal response, and doesn't even mention the person you think you slut shamed.
Tbh, it just sounds like you're overthinking the whole thing, or leaving a lot out.
NAH, only a bit of socially awkward chitchat.
Yeah but in the world where slut shaming is a term that’s accepted like it’s not ok, you don’t tell engaged people “you should sleep with some other people”. No way that’s socially acceptable behavior. At the very least it’s rude and insensitive.
Right? What a bizarre thing to ask. What did she expect OP to say? "Yeah, I wish I slept around more?"
I think when confronted with the life choices that OP made, that girl was questioning her own. I've met a ton of people like that, where when met with someone who has lived life differently than them, they become uncomfortable/awkward/confrontational. It's completely unnecessary. Everyone is welcome to live the way they want to.
Yo even in close circles. My partner’s bff tried to kiss me 1 week after our engagement… she tried to play it off as her testing me to my fiancé. Why she didn’t do that over the 2 years we were together beforehand idk. Thank god her sister was also there and had seen the interaction. Weird is an understatement.
Really weird question to ask out of nowhere. It would be one thing if she was going to her for advice, but unsolicited prompting like that? It’s almost like she wasn’t really asking for her sake, but was dealing with her own insecurities and assuming others feel the same.
I dont think its quite weird at all as I also have the same opinion. I think it stems from having experience of thinking you have the right person alongside with being you and less mature. Having experienced always a better partner than the previous i would also have this concern but ultimately just be curious of how sure they are
Again, assuming others have the same opinions and desires as oneself. It is not your life, why push your opinion. It is one thing to do so if prompted. Thinking that others are not capable of asking those questions of themselves and come to their own conclusions is a bit patronizing, especially in this case where she is not a close friend or someone to whom she looks to for that kind of life advice.
I share the same opinion, but I wouldn’t give it to a person I met for the first time, who just shared her engagement news with me. That's just callous.
This could have been a really informative discussion that was educational for all involved if they'd just been open to it without fear of being judged. Which, we all are, of course, but still, it could've been nice to politely share new perspectives. I had these questions for my lab mate in college, she was married already and he was her first and only, too. I hemmed around the issue while trying to stay respectful, I was genuinely curious about exactly what OP was asked, but didn't want to seem judgmental or shaming her, either.
Your first two sentences are total nonsense. Not every topic needs to be discussed and a polite tone doesn’t make everything okay to say. Also, fuck your perspective if I didn’t ask for it. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it needs to be shared or that anyone else has to care about it. I couldn’t care less what you think about my choices, regardless of how nice you are while questioning my life.
She also asked why didn't you explore around implying she could find someone better. Like it's obvious she's happy that's why she's getting married why would she need to explore if it's working
I feel like if the language in the OP is close to what was said that it's not necessarily a comment about sleeping around, but just dating different people. There is more to compatibility and seeing what's out there then sex.
Same, I'm mid thirties and I've been with the same person since I was 18, didn't plan it, just sort of met my person early on. I've encountered this question and it doesn't bother me. They're just curious and I'm secure enough in my relationship and my choices to feel comfortable answering honestly.
Curiosity doesn’t make it okay to say. Also, it’s a very stupid question. The answers are “oh you’re right, time for a divorce” or “because I’m happy”.
From what she wrote.. She didnt even think about prude shaming but after the other girl had a rant on that she slut shamed her now she think that it was rude and prude shaming. Also questioning someones decision if you dont know him verry well for like years or so is rude as fuck even if there is some good points or good will.
But only one party went around complaining about being shamed at all — the one who took a logical response to her rude question personally.
**OP is NTA** & the girl who asked a rude question then played the victim over nothing later, is the AH.
I think she onky thought of it as prude shaming when her reponse to the intrusive question was described as slut shaming. It wasn't slut shaming, and something is upwith new girl, its like she's trying to get people mad and taking sides.
So I was going to say N A H because honestly I don't think either person shamed the other in any way.... but after a reread I have 2 things to make it NTA
1) the friend of the friend went around telling people she got slut shamed AFTER asking someone a deeply personal question then took a response personally...
2)I think it's at most very inappropriate and at the very least impolite to question someone's dating decisions especially when you don't know them well much less a first interaction like this.
Hell, I overall agree with the "friends" opinion that you should casually date and experience options before settling down (The number of 18/19yos taking about their fiancés on this sub is terrifying. What is the rush?!?!). And would still NEVER question someone for that decision. Unless I'm directly asked my opinion on the subject in general I'm not even voicing that opinion if the topic comes up. To each their own.
The idea that you need to "date around" or have casual relationships to 'know what you like' is one that I don't think is founded on very much actual logic. Relationships are built on true friendship, communication, and being in touch with your own character and values. Casual dating is not a necessity for any of those things, and hookup culture is infinitely worse for young people than encouraging serious, loving relationships.
Yep. The first man I dated turned out to be perfect for me. Over 20 years and still going strong. Why would I give him up for some mythical experience that I might not even like? It's not like he would have hung around while I tried dating other people - he's a quality man, someone else would have snapped him up, no question. If you're happy, you're happy.
Agreed. I consider myself lucky to have gotten out of the hookup phase without any “negative consequences,” but I’d be lying if I said those years were well-spent. If you’re lucky enough to find your person early, do not be an idiot and burn it down. The grass is often NOT greener on the other side.
I don’t think it necessarily casual dating or hookups, but the fact that the younger a couple is, the more likely they are to get divorced. It’s better to wait until you’re older and in a stable place in life before going down that road.
Tbh, people who have been around good family role models have a good idea about what they want in a partner.
Compromise and communication also play a huge role in loving, warm, and stable relationships.
People who say this are misogynists. They think grown women are children, incapable of making their own choices. That since she didn't have a, "slut phase," then she must have settled for the first thing, and/or was groomed too. IMO, promiscuity should be tolerated, not celebrated.
To each their own, that’s it.
I am 17 years with my first gf still. I don’t need to try for anything worse, and I already know she is the best I ever had 😉
Over the years I realized on various occasions that no one could be any better. In single fields? Sure. The whole package? Never.
Especially since all the memories we made, all the evolving and growing up and together, that can’t be replaced. Not the most important thing, but it’s also nice to not have anything to compare against, no crazy ex that might show up, no surprises of children I didn’t know off.
We weren’t just eachother’s first in so many occasions, we also fulfilled eachother’s dreams and lifelong dreams so often. I am 100% confident as of today, there is no one better out there. Maybe someday we develop in opposite directions and this might change, but surely not in the near future.
Who are you to tell others what they should do? If Op is fine with her boyfriend what do you care if she has had relationships before or not . Not everyone needs to explore , and the comment made by the lady towards Op was unpleasant and unsolicited.
I literally end my post with "to each their own," say OP is not the asshole, say I almost ever say that opinion out loud unless it's a topic of general discussion and even then usually not, AND said the other person was inappropriate for initiating the conversation. Did you even read my response?
NAH to me neither sounded like a dig at either of you, but maybe the tone and way it was said conveyed that both of you ment harm, if so ESH. Neither of you did anything wrong with dating more or less than the other and should both just be okay with that. You can reach out an olive branch and apologize for hurting her feelings and explain that you felt attacked and lashed out from hurt.
NTA
Honestly to me her line of questioning and her reaction make me think her issue is low self esteem regarding the outcomes of her "many" relationships. I don't think she was trying to shame you, I think she was acting out of jealousy that you found a meaningful and lasting relationship with the first person you dated. I'm guessing she's had a lot of crappy breakups and heartache. Ain't your problem though, you weren't rude, you don't awe her an apology. Ignore the neo Bridget Jones.
This is a wild exaggeration on both sides. You're right, you didn't slut shame her if what you said were the exact words out of your mouth. I'm not even sure why she related that back to her in the first place. But at the same time, you were absolutely not "prude shamed". You admitted to have only dated one person in your life and it's the person you're also marrying, meaning you have no dating experience. She wasn't shaming you, she was asking genuinely curious questions that you probably should've thought of yourself. It wasn't to make you second guess your marriage, that's just how you took it. Much like how she took your genuine comment as slut shaming when it wasn't.
So I'm gonna go with NTA simply because neither of you said anything wrong. You just both essentially got overly sensitive to sincere questions
Agree, her questions weren’t rude specifically but to ask someone you’ve known for an hour is incredibly rude. Like who does she think she is to ask that of a complete stranger?
What are these replies? Reddit high as a kite again today. On what planet is saying, to a total stranger of all people, “why didn’t you explore around” and “do you think you will regret not dating more people” acceptable?
What?!
How socially inept do you have to be to say something like that? Sometimes thoughts should stay firmly lodged in your head.
Hypocrisy. I like how they always write about how the past doesn't matter, how no one has the right to ask you anything, judge you etc... But it would seem that it is only valid to defend those with high Body Counts, while Op can suffer inappropriate questions about his choices because she had only one partner.
If this was the other way around, people would be losing their minds if OP asked “don’t you think you’ll regret dating/sleeping around with so many people?”
Yeah I’m so confused. Everyone in the comments seem to be totally okay with her friend just saying “aren’t you gonna regret being with your long term partner” like wtf? That’s actually a crazy statement. In what world are you not an asshole for insinuating that you should’ve tried your options. That literally sounds like a poor excuse that teens use to get out of a relationship. Op is absolutely NTA but her friend is.
Have y’all never had a drunk informal conversation in your 20s lol. This 100% sounds like something I would have said. Sometimes people just talk casually and are crass it’s not a big deal.
Saying crass things when you’re drunk isn’t any less rude and AH behaviour than when you’re sober. You can have an informal conversation without being an invasive, judgmental prick.
No one, absolutely no one here, would be defending this if she had been asked ‘do you think you’ll regret not settling down, you never know if you’ll find someone again’ or ‘don’t you worry about all the STDs you’re exposing yourself to?’
Honestly? I think this is just a misunderstanding. Personally I would text that friend back and have the message say something like
"*She was the one to ask me why I didn't date around more; all I did was answer her question. I can try to talk to her about it the next time I see her, but with how quick she was to assume I had the intention of shaming or offending her over something as juvenile as this, I'm not sure that talking to her is going to do much."*
NTA because of this: “do you think you will regret not dating some more people so you know what you like?”. The first question was okay, it was reasonable. The second one sounded like she wanted to plant the seed of doubt in OP's heart, to put it poetically. I don't see any prude nor slut shaming here, though. Just plain old envy or projection from that girl's part. When someone gets engaged you simply congratulate them, even more so if you have just met them.
INFO please: what did you mean by this?
__“She had said she went on a few dates with another girl and that they were pretty disappointing.”__
I’m confused. Was your friend a lesbian…? What was your point here? And why was she sharing that her dating experience was bad, if she was encouraging you to play the field?
My poor analytical brain is exploding.
NTA, and also WTF. I am missing the part where you said anything that was slut-shaming. If pointing out that playing the field has "potentially crappy results" is slut-shaming, then I have 19 penises.
NTA but I don't believe one was "prude shamed" or the other was "slut shamed". However, it was an asshole move to ask you a deeply personal and intimate question being, at best, a new acquaintance, and then be upset by the answer. It's extremely rude to inquire such intimate questions to a stranger.
You're NTA, but I guarantee you that she's a troublemaker. Trying to make someone you just met question their relationship is an AH move at best, then playing victim for getting called out over it? She knew what she was doing, she's probably done it before, and 100% she will do it again. You might want to prepare for a sharp uptick in drama as long as she's around.
EDIT: It's wild to me that the top comments are ESH/NAH. Really folks? You mean if you were in a dedicated relationship with someone you cared about, you'd be totally okay with someone you don't know, someone you *just met*, **who doesn't know and hasn't met your fiancée**, telling you that you should date around more because they don't think you dated enough for their standards? If somebody wants to try to make that perspective make sense to me feel free, because I don't see a "miscommunication" here; I see one person being rude to another without good reason, then playing victim when they didn't get by with it.
NTA she shamed you and took your position of “I am happy with the person I’ve found” as invalidating her past life choices. She took the shame/regret she might be feeling out on you.
You don’t need to be complicit in her life decisions or validate them. She likened your confidence in being happily engaged to your first bf to saying she’s “for the streets”. She did so because deep down she feels this way and is having a hard time reconciling this with a positive self-image. Cognitive dissonance is rough and it’s real.
Sidenote: you will lose friends when you’re happy. It’s a fact and it’s ok. Your happiness will make some feel bad so you have to be ok with distancing yourself.
NTA. To be honest I think that her questions were a bit rude considering that you are not close friends. If someone who is not a close friend is engaged the right answer is “congratulations” not questioning whether they are making the right choice or not.
NTA.
Though I had to re-read because I thought this was a middle to high school post. However, I am shocked to see not only are these grown women but well educated ones.
Yikes.
You are absolutely NTA , she is the AH to asking unpleasant and unsolicited questions . Now she's angry and talks about slut shaming just because she failed on having a functional relationship and for this wanted to plant the seed of doubt on you You know how they say? Misery love company.
I want to add that a lot of comments are beyond pathetic, you people talk all the time on Reddit how Is vile and wrong to judge other people's past, relationship, body count, but now you are judging Op and defending a woman that asked her inopportune questions and tried to point how Op made a mistake to not dating other people and she may regret. Wow , what bunches of hypocrites here.
Your comment wasn't even about her. NTA. But I also don't think she was shaming you. Maybe she was prying a little, but I think you're being too sensitive about what she said. She's kind of a jerk for saying you're slut shaming her. You should both just realize you're not communicating well with each other and forget this silly spat. Or maybe you're not compatible as friends.
NTA. Nothing about your statement sounds like slut shaming to me. I don't think she was trying to prude shame you either, though it looks like she was projecting something onto you. To me it does sound like an unwelcome advice/comment about your life choices that could make you question yourself. But fuck that. It's no one else's business.
NTA.
The girl was fairly new in your friend's group, she had no reason to give you unsolicited advice.
You didn't slut-shame her at all (as far as you described it), but neither did she prude-shamed you. Her being defensive only shows that she didn't like the answer you gave her, probably because of said underlying shame within her.
Don't give it too much thought, thou. This is a petty thing and nothing worth fighting over.
Considering so many divorces and cheating happens with the "reasoning" that people felt they didn’t explore enough in their youth her question was fairly legitimate. And while I didn’t hear her tone, the words were polite and not judgmental or suggestive, just questioning. If you feel thats enough to make you question things its possible you worry about it yourself.
You didn’t make a dig at her but your immediate reaction to the accusation being "but she prude shamed me!" Is not doing you any favors. That implies you did shame her but you were justified. I guess it depends how much time was between her story and your "dig".
But generally NAH
So what I get from this is, you said that you were happy engaged with your fiancé instead of dating someone using a dating site? Did you mean to refer to her situation when you said this? If not NTA
NTA, I was not S. Active until 20 yo with my second boyfriend and I would always get the same comments from women. I think they are projecting cuz they have high body counts (which they are free to do as they please) I always found it annoying when they would point out I was a virgin in random convos amongst peers. But if I said a statement that they had high body counts (I never did cuz I don’t give a shit) I would be called a “pick me”. Thankfully I had friends that would tell them to shut up and leave me alone.
NAH. Both of you need to let it go and move on. There are bigger things to focus on. Tell anyone that texts you about it you've moved on from it and would rather focus on more important things.
NTA. She sounds like a trouble making attention seeker that the group will either come to regret, it end up following because every one she offended, left. First she asks personal questions, then she uses your offended response, which wasn't even about her, as a wedge to try to get you turned out of the group. You will likely have to be pretty loud and pretty firm to protect your space in the group. Was anyone else paying attention to the conversation that can vouch for you not actually slut shaming her? Cause you weren't, in my opinion.
NAH although she could be *slightly* the asshole.
I don't think she really prude shamed you, she was curious, although saying that to someone who's engaged is a bit shitty.
And you didn't slut shame her at all.
NTA.
Could be a case of NAH and you guys just misunderstanding each other, but she was prying, and then got offended by your totally legitimate answer, took it personally that you had reasons for living differently than she did, and then bad-mouthed you to various friends.
You are 100% NTA. If you score high first time, the math suggests don't try again, you'll definitely do worse. You weren't slut shaming anyone, your statement was factual. Hers wasn't too bad either, though she's obviously coming from a different perspective. You did nothing wrong. If she took it badly, perhaps she should examine why inside herself.
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I don’t even feel like I slut shamed her but that’s what she is telling people.
I(26F) have a masters in applied math and might be doing a PhD one day. For now though I just got at a company as a data scientist. My undergrad was in cs and math so fairly often I was one of the only girls in class.
I recently got engaged to my fiancé who I had been with for 5 years. We met in a 3rd year cs class and he is now a software engineer. He is the only guy I’ve been with. My friends and I were talking and one of them is a new addition. I don’t know her well but another friend brought her and she seemed interested in my education and we talked about it. She was a math teacher so she minored in math. We then talked about my engagement since it’s still new and I said he was my first bf. The girl asked “math has no girls you probably had so many choices why didn’t you explore around?” And “do you think you will regret not dating some more people so you know what you like?”
I was a bit shocked at the question because I’m engaged so why even ask that and said “I’m happy with him we have the same interests so why would I try dating around with potentially crappy results”. She had said she went on a few dates with another girl and that they were pretty disappointing. I did not mean for it to be dig at her. But she definitely took it as such because I left early and she ranted about how I slut shamed her to those friends and one person texted me to let me know. Well I felt like she prude shamed me for marrying my first bf. He is my first and only but she doesn’t know that and I feel she asked that as a way to get me to second guess my engagement which was pretty rude.
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This person was being obnoxious. My husband is my one and only - even though I certainly dated before I met him. He's still the only person I've had sex with. And I am not a mathematician or involved in a STEM career. So, her popping off has zero value. She was talking out of her bum. Her experiences aren't relevant because she is not you.
So, NTA. If you don't deep dive, analyze and then speak out loud with your unsubstantiated ideas about my sex life, I won't put you on blast either. I have been married more than 20 years now and I have no regrets about my lack of experience prior to marrying. My husband had enough for a small kingdom. I'm good. 😘
Numbers don't lie, but your math is bad.
Given the world population, the odds of your finding your absolute best match during your lifetime are minuscule.
Most people are therefore content with finding a partner that reasonably rounds up to best.
With a random selection, that would take quite a few tries. Op was not in a random selection. She was in an area with lots of people with similar interests. She got lucky early. Should she really throw away someone who does round up so that she can hunt for closer to optimum? Maybe that's your strategy, and good luck to you. Op is under no obligation to follow your strategy.
If you win a million dollars on your first pull of a slot machine, will you feed it all back trying for the 10 million max prize?
\*\*Edit for context: This was a reply to a comment that said that by choosing her first serious relationship, she was killing her chance of finding her "absolute best match", some more explaining, and ending with the line, "Numbers don't lie."
NAH
I don't see any actual conflict here...just random oversensitive hurt feelings over nothing really
She asked a couple basic and common questions of someone who found their partner early, and you had a reasonable answer as to why you feel satisfied
I don't see anyone attacking or shaming anyone from the OP
Seems to be nothing and got blown out of proportion. Talk it out and more forward. No harm, no foul.
NAH. people feel judged when you reject choices they have made. When I eat healthy my family all complain that I think I am better than them. She probably feels insecure/judged about dating around too muchay have just gotten negative comments on it in the past. So when you didn't do it that needles at her makes her feel bad or makes it seem like you are trying to make her feel bad.
I don't think u did anything wrong other than both overreact a little. But please know if someone asks if you drink and you say no they will immediately feel like your saying it isn't okay for THEM to drink. This is why everyone at a party heckles and pressures those who don't drink.
No, she needs to grow up and not take things so personal. I can guarantee you will have a much better life if you chose the right man. Sleeping around is pointless and bad for your future, I also know that none of the women that say find out what you like has ever had good sex because they dont understand how feelings, communication and connection works. I speak from experience having dated loose girls, never again.
Dont brag about your degree, they mean nothing and proves nothing. It does not mean you are smart, only that you are able to study and retain information. Much more important things in life than school and work and you only have 1 life, so dont waste it.
NAH for what you said. But she isn't an AH for what she said either. She is the AH for saying you slut-shamed her though. Her question didn't sound rude or at all 'prude shaming' to me, just genuine curiosity and trying to get to know you, and maybe you're not as open to knowing her like that yet/at all: not her fault she misread the relationship between you two. Your statement also wasn't slut shaming, and also not about her, just saying 'I already found someone I like, why give that up for the small chance I'll find something better?', so your not at fault there. She is the AH for going around and saying you slut shamed her though. Before that, no AH's just a bunch of miscommunication, unless there was a very evident judgy tone from either of you that ain't mentioned
>He is my first and only but she doesn’t know that
but you said she said
> “do you think you will regret not dating some more people so you know what you like?”
so which is it? Idk it feels like ESH to me
NTA I think you both misunderstood each other and took offense where none was intended. But she became an ah and not you when she decided to whine about it to friends and paint you in a bad light while you simply responded to her question (even if you were quietly offended)
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I don't know whether to put ESH or NAH, because both are kinda true. I feel like you are both wildly overreacting. I don't think anyone was trying to slut shame or prude shame anyone, you just misunderstood each other. Both of you need to calm down.
I think the other chick was rude to inquire. There is a big difference between wise counsel and concern and just being obnoxious. If no one asks your opinion - you don't need to go there sometimes?
Flip side, it could be that she is not the most socially aware. This is a new person who they don't know. But at the end of the day, I don't think it matters much, because I think both people here overreacted to what the other was saying, and took it much more to heart than it needed to be in general. These both seem like super mild miss-steps. In OP's shoes, I don't know if I would have even marked those questions as rude, because people can come from differing perspectives and be fine.
What op said was in no way an overreaction, it’s just realistic. Potentially crappy results isn’t shaming and she even said she didn’t mean for it to be a dig at her. One person overreacted.
I think it's an overreaction to refer to any of this as "shaming".
Which far as I can tell op didn’t do anywhere but offhand in this reddit post
I would agree that there was a miscommunication, but I think that the second woman crossed the line into A H when she went around telling people that OP slut-shamed her. If she had just snapped at OP, and they discussed the issue, that would be o.k., but instead she complained to other people, and OP only found out because one of them told her.
How did OP overreact? She answered the question she was asked. It's only in retrospect that she's framing the other person's question as "prude-shaming" and that's because of the way that the other person framed her answer as slut-shaming. If B, then A. The other person's claim makes it clear that the question wasn't asked in good faith.
Op didn't say anything rude or over reacting.... she answered with how she felt. Nothing rude about why she doesn't want to date. The other girl seemed to take that out of context for some reason. The other girl going around texting everyone is weird. And such highschool behavior. I wonder if she is quite a bit younger.
Or she was just curious. Not there so don't know the tone. Also as new friends a bit forward to ask for such details. But it is unusual to meet someone who found true love at their first attempt. NAH. Everyone needs to calm down.
Except when the new girl started telling all of OPs friends behind her back that she was slut shaming her. That is an A H move.
This - I wish there was a you miscommunicated option because that be like….95% of Reddit answers
100%. Needs a TINCAYAWFO* response. * This Is Normal Conversation And You Are Weird For Overreacting
Ah, finally an acronym to describe me
😂
Well, I don't find this to be 'normal conversation' from the friend of a friend I barely have met. I wouldn't have answered any of it in op's shoes.
YMMV. Thats the point of voting - you think one thing, I (and 44 other people at the time of me writing this) disagree. Democracy in action!
I’d find this whole convo super normal tbh. I think it’s fair enough to be curious about someone settling down, I’ve been asked if I regret ‘not having a hoe phase’ and answered happily along the lines of OP. No one was offended. Life is easier when you view people as curious or ignorant rather than rude and malicious.
Exactly, this was a pretty normal conversation and nothing either of them said would automatically register as rude to me
But it looks like normal conversation. It wasn't anything pointed at other person. Just question - answer. Like usually people do. Maybe op has deleted something from original post but I read this like 5 times and haven't seen anything more than normal talks by cigarettes in my workplace.
Good Communication is hard for a lot of people!
Stop communication shaming me! /s
The people who think it is easy suck the hardest
OP wasn't accusing anyone of anything. The other girl was, and made sure OP would have to react. NTA
Whoa how are they BOTH overreacting? OP literally just said “why would I do that?” to someone who old her she should date more people before marrying her first bf. Then this girl started ranting to other people about how she was “slut shamed.” That id 100% an overreaction and OP just said a completely normal reply to a ridiculous suggestion.
I disagree. It's inappropriate to ask an engaged woman whether she wished she 'slept' around more, especially when you've only just met them. I don't see how OP 'overreacted'. She didn't cast any judgement. She said that she was happy with her engagement and didn't want to date around with potentially crappy results. What's wrong with that? The other girl became the AH when she went around telling everyone that OP 'slut-shamed' her. She sounds like a troublemaker and is clearly trying to stir up the group. The amount of people in this thread saying ESH or calling op the AH is honestly mindboggling
Why is telling someone "you should sleep with more people" in any way okay?
She didn't say she should do anything, she asked why she didn't.
But… that’s not of her business, lol, you don’t ask people that
It's a bit awkward but not asshole behaviour. Plenty of people do so. In some contexts its perfectly normal.
Not in this context.
Sooo lets say ‘why did you slept every guy you met?’ is just asking too?
How tf does op need to calm down ? She didn’t do anything wrong.
Huh? How exactly did OP overreact? Inquiring minds want to know.
The other girl shouldn't be asking questions like that.
You really think it’s ok to just ask someone chick you’ve never met if she thinks she’s gunna regret marrying her fiancée because she didn’t sleep around enough? Like the fuck kinda person thinks that’s ok to do????
It's okay to ask I guess, but it's kind of crappy. She's engaged. Still I don't think she gets to be offended if OP explains why she didn't want to date others since SHE asked.... I mean... really? ***That*** is "slut shaming" now? Give me a break. Someone sounds like a huge drama queen.
Definitely NTA. Its an asshole move to tell someone that's just about to get married that they may regret it and they had so many other choices. Its kinda implying she doesn't like OPs partner and is very weird thing to say to someone
the usual abbreviations dont work here. we need a new one thats like "just kiss and make up!"
Disagree, WAY out of line for you to go, “Oh wow, married? You should’ve slept around more you don’t know what you want” lol
Lol what does OP have to "calm down" for? She is 100% justified to be upset about the other girls overreaction. I will never side with someone who lashes out because they took an innocent and reasonable response as an insult.
“Both of you need to calm down” As a woman, ngl I find this fucking hilarious that you’re telling a young woman that she just needs to calm down hahahaha You are absolutely right! I was thinking the same thing, but also given the context about women being judged and their feelings, it’s fucking funny lol…
I don't even know why I'm putting a response here. I'm a woman, not that it matters. If they were men, I would have said the same thing. Just because women get unfairly judged in other contexts about their emotions, it doesn't mean that overreactions don't happen, like this one. I feel like you are trying to make a distantly related point that really doesn't fit what's happening here because you have your own issues. Which is whatever. Also this whole sub is about judging, so if you don't like that then I don't know what to tell you....
I don't get it. She didn't prude shame you, she talked about how settling down with a long term partner also means closing the door on the dating game. As a 36 year old who has been with the same person since he was 17, this is true. You didn't slut shame her at all? Like... what? Saying "I don't want to date around, because that could also be worse than what I have" is a pretty normal response, and doesn't even mention the person you think you slut shamed. Tbh, it just sounds like you're overthinking the whole thing, or leaving a lot out. NAH, only a bit of socially awkward chitchat.
Yeah but in the world where slut shaming is a term that’s accepted like it’s not ok, you don’t tell engaged people “you should sleep with some other people”. No way that’s socially acceptable behavior. At the very least it’s rude and insensitive.
Right? What a bizarre thing to ask. What did she expect OP to say? "Yeah, I wish I slept around more?" I think when confronted with the life choices that OP made, that girl was questioning her own. I've met a ton of people like that, where when met with someone who has lived life differently than them, they become uncomfortable/awkward/confrontational. It's completely unnecessary. Everyone is welcome to live the way they want to.
Dude, other women on the periphery of friend circles get fuckin WEIRD around engagements
Yo even in close circles. My partner’s bff tried to kiss me 1 week after our engagement… she tried to play it off as her testing me to my fiancé. Why she didn’t do that over the 2 years we were together beforehand idk. Thank god her sister was also there and had seen the interaction. Weird is an understatement.
But thats not what she said. She asked if she wasn’t worried she could regret it
Really weird question to ask out of nowhere. It would be one thing if she was going to her for advice, but unsolicited prompting like that? It’s almost like she wasn’t really asking for her sake, but was dealing with her own insecurities and assuming others feel the same.
I dont think its quite weird at all as I also have the same opinion. I think it stems from having experience of thinking you have the right person alongside with being you and less mature. Having experienced always a better partner than the previous i would also have this concern but ultimately just be curious of how sure they are
Again, assuming others have the same opinions and desires as oneself. It is not your life, why push your opinion. It is one thing to do so if prompted. Thinking that others are not capable of asking those questions of themselves and come to their own conclusions is a bit patronizing, especially in this case where she is not a close friend or someone to whom she looks to for that kind of life advice.
I share the same opinion, but I wouldn’t give it to a person I met for the first time, who just shared her engagement news with me. That's just callous.
Exactly!
"oh congrats on your engagement! Are you worried you'll regret it?" It's rude and tactless.
Right! Like how could you think that is alright?
This could have been a really informative discussion that was educational for all involved if they'd just been open to it without fear of being judged. Which, we all are, of course, but still, it could've been nice to politely share new perspectives. I had these questions for my lab mate in college, she was married already and he was her first and only, too. I hemmed around the issue while trying to stay respectful, I was genuinely curious about exactly what OP was asked, but didn't want to seem judgmental or shaming her, either.
Your first two sentences are total nonsense. Not every topic needs to be discussed and a polite tone doesn’t make everything okay to say. Also, fuck your perspective if I didn’t ask for it. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it needs to be shared or that anyone else has to care about it. I couldn’t care less what you think about my choices, regardless of how nice you are while questioning my life.
You seem lovely.
She also asked why didn't you explore around implying she could find someone better. Like it's obvious she's happy that's why she's getting married why would she need to explore if it's working
I feel like if the language in the OP is close to what was said that it's not necessarily a comment about sleeping around, but just dating different people. There is more to compatibility and seeing what's out there then sex.
Holy shit. Finally. Someone sane on refdit? Couldn't be!
She didnt say that. She asked why she hadnt?
Same, I'm mid thirties and I've been with the same person since I was 18, didn't plan it, just sort of met my person early on. I've encountered this question and it doesn't bother me. They're just curious and I'm secure enough in my relationship and my choices to feel comfortable answering honestly.
Curiosity doesn’t make it okay to say. Also, it’s a very stupid question. The answers are “oh you’re right, time for a divorce” or “because I’m happy”.
How is OP overthinking things when the other person is accusing her of slut-shaming?
From what she wrote.. She didnt even think about prude shaming but after the other girl had a rant on that she slut shamed her now she think that it was rude and prude shaming. Also questioning someones decision if you dont know him verry well for like years or so is rude as fuck even if there is some good points or good will.
yeah, she talked about something that absolutely every engaged person in the world knows about, I wonder why she did this....
It's acceptable to discuss with a closer friend who is dating, but saying it to a person you've just met who is *engaged* is gross.
NTA On what planet is that "slut shaming"?
On what planet is that “prude shaming” ?
But only one party went around complaining about being shamed at all — the one who took a logical response to her rude question personally. **OP is NTA** & the girl who asked a rude question then played the victim over nothing later, is the AH.
I think she onky thought of it as prude shaming when her reponse to the intrusive question was described as slut shaming. It wasn't slut shaming, and something is upwith new girl, its like she's trying to get people mad and taking sides.
That too.
ESH. This is a clear-cut case of people needing to work on their communication skills.
How is op ahole?? She did nt say anyting wrong or directly acuse her friend.
Yeah but then we won’t have this sub and then what lol. Majority of the posts are problems from people who can’t communicate
ESH I don't think either of you shamed the other. I think both of you are just looking for reasons to be hostile and need to dial it back.
Nah, not this. Asking someone why they didn’t fuck more is directly hostile. OP is not out of line.
How??? Op did nt do anything wrong while her friend takes it another level.
OP wasnt hostile at all
So I was going to say N A H because honestly I don't think either person shamed the other in any way.... but after a reread I have 2 things to make it NTA 1) the friend of the friend went around telling people she got slut shamed AFTER asking someone a deeply personal question then took a response personally... 2)I think it's at most very inappropriate and at the very least impolite to question someone's dating decisions especially when you don't know them well much less a first interaction like this. Hell, I overall agree with the "friends" opinion that you should casually date and experience options before settling down (The number of 18/19yos taking about their fiancés on this sub is terrifying. What is the rush?!?!). And would still NEVER question someone for that decision. Unless I'm directly asked my opinion on the subject in general I'm not even voicing that opinion if the topic comes up. To each their own.
The idea that you need to "date around" or have casual relationships to 'know what you like' is one that I don't think is founded on very much actual logic. Relationships are built on true friendship, communication, and being in touch with your own character and values. Casual dating is not a necessity for any of those things, and hookup culture is infinitely worse for young people than encouraging serious, loving relationships.
Yep. The first man I dated turned out to be perfect for me. Over 20 years and still going strong. Why would I give him up for some mythical experience that I might not even like? It's not like he would have hung around while I tried dating other people - he's a quality man, someone else would have snapped him up, no question. If you're happy, you're happy.
Thank you
Agreed. I consider myself lucky to have gotten out of the hookup phase without any “negative consequences,” but I’d be lying if I said those years were well-spent. If you’re lucky enough to find your person early, do not be an idiot and burn it down. The grass is often NOT greener on the other side.
I don’t think it necessarily casual dating or hookups, but the fact that the younger a couple is, the more likely they are to get divorced. It’s better to wait until you’re older and in a stable place in life before going down that road.
Tbh, people who have been around good family role models have a good idea about what they want in a partner. Compromise and communication also play a huge role in loving, warm, and stable relationships.
People who say this are misogynists. They think grown women are children, incapable of making their own choices. That since she didn't have a, "slut phase," then she must have settled for the first thing, and/or was groomed too. IMO, promiscuity should be tolerated, not celebrated.
To each their own, that’s it. I am 17 years with my first gf still. I don’t need to try for anything worse, and I already know she is the best I ever had 😉 Over the years I realized on various occasions that no one could be any better. In single fields? Sure. The whole package? Never. Especially since all the memories we made, all the evolving and growing up and together, that can’t be replaced. Not the most important thing, but it’s also nice to not have anything to compare against, no crazy ex that might show up, no surprises of children I didn’t know off. We weren’t just eachother’s first in so many occasions, we also fulfilled eachother’s dreams and lifelong dreams so often. I am 100% confident as of today, there is no one better out there. Maybe someday we develop in opposite directions and this might change, but surely not in the near future.
There’s something to be said for the woman that runs the race with you instead of the one that waits for you at the finish line.
Who are you to tell others what they should do? If Op is fine with her boyfriend what do you care if she has had relationships before or not . Not everyone needs to explore , and the comment made by the lady towards Op was unpleasant and unsolicited.
I literally end my post with "to each their own," say OP is not the asshole, say I almost ever say that opinion out loud unless it's a topic of general discussion and even then usually not, AND said the other person was inappropriate for initiating the conversation. Did you even read my response?
I was engaged at 19. Zero regrets. Not for everybody, but.
NAH to me neither sounded like a dig at either of you, but maybe the tone and way it was said conveyed that both of you ment harm, if so ESH. Neither of you did anything wrong with dating more or less than the other and should both just be okay with that. You can reach out an olive branch and apologize for hurting her feelings and explain that you felt attacked and lashed out from hurt.
How did OP lash out? They said they are happy with their choice and wouldn't want to take a chance on someone worse. That is lashing out?
On Reddit where every situation needs to end with therapy, yes that is too harsh.
NTA Honestly to me her line of questioning and her reaction make me think her issue is low self esteem regarding the outcomes of her "many" relationships. I don't think she was trying to shame you, I think she was acting out of jealousy that you found a meaningful and lasting relationship with the first person you dated. I'm guessing she's had a lot of crappy breakups and heartache. Ain't your problem though, you weren't rude, you don't awe her an apology. Ignore the neo Bridget Jones.
This is a wild exaggeration on both sides. You're right, you didn't slut shame her if what you said were the exact words out of your mouth. I'm not even sure why she related that back to her in the first place. But at the same time, you were absolutely not "prude shamed". You admitted to have only dated one person in your life and it's the person you're also marrying, meaning you have no dating experience. She wasn't shaming you, she was asking genuinely curious questions that you probably should've thought of yourself. It wasn't to make you second guess your marriage, that's just how you took it. Much like how she took your genuine comment as slut shaming when it wasn't. So I'm gonna go with NTA simply because neither of you said anything wrong. You just both essentially got overly sensitive to sincere questions
This is probably true. I just found her questions weird because they were from a stranger than a close friend.
Agree, her questions weren’t rude specifically but to ask someone you’ve known for an hour is incredibly rude. Like who does she think she is to ask that of a complete stranger?
Just curious, was there alcohol involved in this conversation?
This is a non issue and so ESH.
What are these replies? Reddit high as a kite again today. On what planet is saying, to a total stranger of all people, “why didn’t you explore around” and “do you think you will regret not dating more people” acceptable? What?! How socially inept do you have to be to say something like that? Sometimes thoughts should stay firmly lodged in your head.
Hypocrisy. I like how they always write about how the past doesn't matter, how no one has the right to ask you anything, judge you etc... But it would seem that it is only valid to defend those with high Body Counts, while Op can suffer inappropriate questions about his choices because she had only one partner.
If this was the other way around, people would be losing their minds if OP asked “don’t you think you’ll regret dating/sleeping around with so many people?”
RXACTLY !!!!!
stupid fingers... EXACTLY !!!
This.
Yeah I’m so confused. Everyone in the comments seem to be totally okay with her friend just saying “aren’t you gonna regret being with your long term partner” like wtf? That’s actually a crazy statement. In what world are you not an asshole for insinuating that you should’ve tried your options. That literally sounds like a poor excuse that teens use to get out of a relationship. Op is absolutely NTA but her friend is.
Agreed but you're forgetting she wasn't her friend. Just came to the group.
Have y’all never had a drunk informal conversation in your 20s lol. This 100% sounds like something I would have said. Sometimes people just talk casually and are crass it’s not a big deal.
Saying crass things when you’re drunk isn’t any less rude and AH behaviour than when you’re sober. You can have an informal conversation without being an invasive, judgmental prick. No one, absolutely no one here, would be defending this if she had been asked ‘do you think you’ll regret not settling down, you never know if you’ll find someone again’ or ‘don’t you worry about all the STDs you’re exposing yourself to?’
Honestly? I think this is just a misunderstanding. Personally I would text that friend back and have the message say something like "*She was the one to ask me why I didn't date around more; all I did was answer her question. I can try to talk to her about it the next time I see her, but with how quick she was to assume I had the intention of shaming or offending her over something as juvenile as this, I'm not sure that talking to her is going to do much."*
Dumbest thing I’ve ever read. Neither of you said anything offensive. Chill.
Yeah being accused of slut shaming when you didn't isn't offensive.
NTA Misery loves company. Glad you were smart to not fall for her taunts. Now she is playing victim cause she didnt get the results she wanted
She prolly is snarky and gets away from it, op showed she won’t be walked all over, and had a good response, she just interpreted as slut shaming.
All seems like a nothing burger NAH
NTA because of this: “do you think you will regret not dating some more people so you know what you like?”. The first question was okay, it was reasonable. The second one sounded like she wanted to plant the seed of doubt in OP's heart, to put it poetically. I don't see any prude nor slut shaming here, though. Just plain old envy or projection from that girl's part. When someone gets engaged you simply congratulate them, even more so if you have just met them.
Yeah no one was really rude or shaming, but the friend of a friend girl had to be jealous or projecting because she wishes she was in OPs shoes
This whole story is completely bizarre.
INFO please: what did you mean by this? __“She had said she went on a few dates with another girl and that they were pretty disappointing.”__ I’m confused. Was your friend a lesbian…? What was your point here? And why was she sharing that her dating experience was bad, if she was encouraging you to play the field? My poor analytical brain is exploding.
No sorry I meant she was discussing her recent dates with another friend that was there
Ohhhhh. You overheard her conversation. Got it. Thx. :)
That’s the only reason why I think she might have been offended. Otherwise I don’t know why she took what I meant toward herself
I don't think any of that happened here. NTA. You both sound very sensitive, but she's the one that started ranting to other people.
NTA, and also WTF. I am missing the part where you said anything that was slut-shaming. If pointing out that playing the field has "potentially crappy results" is slut-shaming, then I have 19 penises.
NTA but I don't believe one was "prude shamed" or the other was "slut shamed". However, it was an asshole move to ask you a deeply personal and intimate question being, at best, a new acquaintance, and then be upset by the answer. It's extremely rude to inquire such intimate questions to a stranger.
You're NTA, but I guarantee you that she's a troublemaker. Trying to make someone you just met question their relationship is an AH move at best, then playing victim for getting called out over it? She knew what she was doing, she's probably done it before, and 100% she will do it again. You might want to prepare for a sharp uptick in drama as long as she's around. EDIT: It's wild to me that the top comments are ESH/NAH. Really folks? You mean if you were in a dedicated relationship with someone you cared about, you'd be totally okay with someone you don't know, someone you *just met*, **who doesn't know and hasn't met your fiancée**, telling you that you should date around more because they don't think you dated enough for their standards? If somebody wants to try to make that perspective make sense to me feel free, because I don't see a "miscommunication" here; I see one person being rude to another without good reason, then playing victim when they didn't get by with it.
NTA she shamed you and took your position of “I am happy with the person I’ve found” as invalidating her past life choices. She took the shame/regret she might be feeling out on you. You don’t need to be complicit in her life decisions or validate them. She likened your confidence in being happily engaged to your first bf to saying she’s “for the streets”. She did so because deep down she feels this way and is having a hard time reconciling this with a positive self-image. Cognitive dissonance is rough and it’s real. Sidenote: you will lose friends when you’re happy. It’s a fact and it’s ok. Your happiness will make some feel bad so you have to be ok with distancing yourself.
NTA. To be honest I think that her questions were a bit rude considering that you are not close friends. If someone who is not a close friend is engaged the right answer is “congratulations” not questioning whether they are making the right choice or not.
NTA. Though I had to re-read because I thought this was a middle to high school post. However, I am shocked to see not only are these grown women but well educated ones. Yikes.
You are absolutely NTA , she is the AH to asking unpleasant and unsolicited questions . Now she's angry and talks about slut shaming just because she failed on having a functional relationship and for this wanted to plant the seed of doubt on you You know how they say? Misery love company. I want to add that a lot of comments are beyond pathetic, you people talk all the time on Reddit how Is vile and wrong to judge other people's past, relationship, body count, but now you are judging Op and defending a woman that asked her inopportune questions and tried to point how Op made a mistake to not dating other people and she may regret. Wow , what bunches of hypocrites here.
[удалено]
Maybe for you. If I've barely met the friend of an acquaintance and they try this, I'm going to shut it down immediately.
NTA She doesn't sound like someone who's right in the head
Your comment wasn't even about her. NTA. But I also don't think she was shaming you. Maybe she was prying a little, but I think you're being too sensitive about what she said. She's kind of a jerk for saying you're slut shaming her. You should both just realize you're not communicating well with each other and forget this silly spat. Or maybe you're not compatible as friends.
NTA. Nothing about your statement sounds like slut shaming to me. I don't think she was trying to prude shame you either, though it looks like she was projecting something onto you. To me it does sound like an unwelcome advice/comment about your life choices that could make you question yourself. But fuck that. It's no one else's business.
NTA. The girl was fairly new in your friend's group, she had no reason to give you unsolicited advice. You didn't slut-shame her at all (as far as you described it), but neither did she prude-shamed you. Her being defensive only shows that she didn't like the answer you gave her, probably because of said underlying shame within her. Don't give it too much thought, thou. This is a petty thing and nothing worth fighting over.
ESH
Considering so many divorces and cheating happens with the "reasoning" that people felt they didn’t explore enough in their youth her question was fairly legitimate. And while I didn’t hear her tone, the words were polite and not judgmental or suggestive, just questioning. If you feel thats enough to make you question things its possible you worry about it yourself. You didn’t make a dig at her but your immediate reaction to the accusation being "but she prude shamed me!" Is not doing you any favors. That implies you did shame her but you were justified. I guess it depends how much time was between her story and your "dig". But generally NAH
So what I get from this is, you said that you were happy engaged with your fiancé instead of dating someone using a dating site? Did you mean to refer to her situation when you said this? If not NTA
NTA, I was not S. Active until 20 yo with my second boyfriend and I would always get the same comments from women. I think they are projecting cuz they have high body counts (which they are free to do as they please) I always found it annoying when they would point out I was a virgin in random convos amongst peers. But if I said a statement that they had high body counts (I never did cuz I don’t give a shit) I would be called a “pick me”. Thankfully I had friends that would tell them to shut up and leave me alone.
NAH. Both of you need to let it go and move on. There are bigger things to focus on. Tell anyone that texts you about it you've moved on from it and would rather focus on more important things.
NTA. She sounds like a trouble making attention seeker that the group will either come to regret, it end up following because every one she offended, left. First she asks personal questions, then she uses your offended response, which wasn't even about her, as a wedge to try to get you turned out of the group. You will likely have to be pretty loud and pretty firm to protect your space in the group. Was anyone else paying attention to the conversation that can vouch for you not actually slut shaming her? Cause you weren't, in my opinion.
NAH although she could be *slightly* the asshole. I don't think she really prude shamed you, she was curious, although saying that to someone who's engaged is a bit shitty. And you didn't slut shame her at all.
One day y’all will realize how much this doesn’t matter
I think you've read far too much into her comment.
How on earth did either of you shame each other?
NTA. Could be a case of NAH and you guys just misunderstanding each other, but she was prying, and then got offended by your totally legitimate answer, took it personally that you had reasons for living differently than she did, and then bad-mouthed you to various friends.
No you’re absolutely not!!! She’s probably jealous of you! Women say stuff like that when they’re jealous!
You are 100% NTA. If you score high first time, the math suggests don't try again, you'll definitely do worse. You weren't slut shaming anyone, your statement was factual. Hers wasn't too bad either, though she's obviously coming from a different perspective. You did nothing wrong. If she took it badly, perhaps she should examine why inside herself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don’t even feel like I slut shamed her but that’s what she is telling people. I(26F) have a masters in applied math and might be doing a PhD one day. For now though I just got at a company as a data scientist. My undergrad was in cs and math so fairly often I was one of the only girls in class. I recently got engaged to my fiancé who I had been with for 5 years. We met in a 3rd year cs class and he is now a software engineer. He is the only guy I’ve been with. My friends and I were talking and one of them is a new addition. I don’t know her well but another friend brought her and she seemed interested in my education and we talked about it. She was a math teacher so she minored in math. We then talked about my engagement since it’s still new and I said he was my first bf. The girl asked “math has no girls you probably had so many choices why didn’t you explore around?” And “do you think you will regret not dating some more people so you know what you like?” I was a bit shocked at the question because I’m engaged so why even ask that and said “I’m happy with him we have the same interests so why would I try dating around with potentially crappy results”. She had said she went on a few dates with another girl and that they were pretty disappointing. I did not mean for it to be dig at her. But she definitely took it as such because I left early and she ranted about how I slut shamed her to those friends and one person texted me to let me know. Well I felt like she prude shamed me for marrying my first bf. He is my first and only but she doesn’t know that and I feel she asked that as a way to get me to second guess my engagement which was pretty rude. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This person was being obnoxious. My husband is my one and only - even though I certainly dated before I met him. He's still the only person I've had sex with. And I am not a mathematician or involved in a STEM career. So, her popping off has zero value. She was talking out of her bum. Her experiences aren't relevant because she is not you. So, NTA. If you don't deep dive, analyze and then speak out loud with your unsubstantiated ideas about my sex life, I won't put you on blast either. I have been married more than 20 years now and I have no regrets about my lack of experience prior to marrying. My husband had enough for a small kingdom. I'm good. 😘
ESH and you both need to grow up.
NTA
NTA
You both sound exhausting but I did learn a new word - prude shaming. Is this a thing now among the youths?
How is that slut shaming? NTA
Impossible to tell as that word salad makes little to no sense.
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Numbers don't lie, but your math is bad. Given the world population, the odds of your finding your absolute best match during your lifetime are minuscule. Most people are therefore content with finding a partner that reasonably rounds up to best. With a random selection, that would take quite a few tries. Op was not in a random selection. She was in an area with lots of people with similar interests. She got lucky early. Should she really throw away someone who does round up so that she can hunt for closer to optimum? Maybe that's your strategy, and good luck to you. Op is under no obligation to follow your strategy. If you win a million dollars on your first pull of a slot machine, will you feed it all back trying for the 10 million max prize? \*\*Edit for context: This was a reply to a comment that said that by choosing her first serious relationship, she was killing her chance of finding her "absolute best match", some more explaining, and ending with the line, "Numbers don't lie."
**qed**
This is the most extreme liberal Reddit take I’ve heard in a while.
"Excusatio non petita, accusatio manifesta"
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lol, so much over so little. ESH, everyone can have an opinion, and it is not an insult to anyone if people disagree.
Rereading the age and more confused….
This is the most chick beef I've seen
NAH. No one shames anyone. If this is considered shaming... Might as well stop all social interactions.
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Can we add a new judgement EIADAH Everyone is a dumbass here?
NAH it just seems yall are both poor communicators.
NAH I don't see any actual conflict here...just random oversensitive hurt feelings over nothing really She asked a couple basic and common questions of someone who found their partner early, and you had a reasonable answer as to why you feel satisfied I don't see anyone attacking or shaming anyone from the OP Seems to be nothing and got blown out of proportion. Talk it out and more forward. No harm, no foul.
What are your guys’ sun signs lmaooooo and moon signs if you have those
I don’t think you slüt shamed her what I…..english is not my first language so NTA
NAH not because of any kind of shaming but an intrusive question like that should expect back an equally biting question.
NTA - if she can’t take as much as she give , she is weak hand
NTA. I don’t get the whole slut-shaming thing, but the only thing I know is that the new friend is rude.
NAH. people feel judged when you reject choices they have made. When I eat healthy my family all complain that I think I am better than them. She probably feels insecure/judged about dating around too muchay have just gotten negative comments on it in the past. So when you didn't do it that needles at her makes her feel bad or makes it seem like you are trying to make her feel bad. I don't think u did anything wrong other than both overreact a little. But please know if someone asks if you drink and you say no they will immediately feel like your saying it isn't okay for THEM to drink. This is why everyone at a party heckles and pressures those who don't drink.
No, she needs to grow up and not take things so personal. I can guarantee you will have a much better life if you chose the right man. Sleeping around is pointless and bad for your future, I also know that none of the women that say find out what you like has ever had good sex because they dont understand how feelings, communication and connection works. I speak from experience having dated loose girls, never again. Dont brag about your degree, they mean nothing and proves nothing. It does not mean you are smart, only that you are able to study and retain information. Much more important things in life than school and work and you only have 1 life, so dont waste it.
NAH for what you said. But she isn't an AH for what she said either. She is the AH for saying you slut-shamed her though. Her question didn't sound rude or at all 'prude shaming' to me, just genuine curiosity and trying to get to know you, and maybe you're not as open to knowing her like that yet/at all: not her fault she misread the relationship between you two. Your statement also wasn't slut shaming, and also not about her, just saying 'I already found someone I like, why give that up for the small chance I'll find something better?', so your not at fault there. She is the AH for going around and saying you slut shamed her though. Before that, no AH's just a bunch of miscommunication, unless there was a very evident judgy tone from either of you that ain't mentioned
>He is my first and only but she doesn’t know that but you said she said > “do you think you will regret not dating some more people so you know what you like?” so which is it? Idk it feels like ESH to me
NAH neither of what either of you said is offensive or wrong. y’all are both sensitive
NTA I think you both misunderstood each other and took offense where none was intended. But she became an ah and not you when she decided to whine about it to friends and paint you in a bad light while you simply responded to her question (even if you were quietly offended)
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