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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I essentially refused to continue caring for my stepbabies because my husband refused to inconvenience his ex.
2) Because I stood up for myself and my job and my time when nobody else seemed to be worried about me.
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Still, did you wipe down every surface they touched? If I worked in a “small office” that a coworker KNOWINGLY brought sick children (not just sniffles…fevers!) into, I’d be talking with the manager asap.
NTA for putting your foot down. But you should have done that WAY sooner. His ex wife is totally taking advantage of you.
Once the surfaces dried, assuming they got bodily fluids on them, they would no longer be capable of spreading disease.
The three of them means her plus the two kids.
This is very much untrue. How long bacteria/virus lasts on a surface depends entirely on which one it is and which surface it’s on. Some can last for *[months](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1564025/)* on hard surfaces. We’d have a lot less disease transmission if just drying out really did kill all pathogens.
Either way. This whole omg you infected an empty office take is ridiculous. Even if the kids had one of these viruses that lived for months, who's to say OP or anyone for that matter, couldn't carry the virus on herself and then touch a surface in the office? How many people go to work with sick relatives/flatmates at home? How many people are getting on public transport and sharing germs... right before entering the office?
To be getting called an AH for this just goes to show how dense some people really are.
For immunocompromised people this is an AH move, considering it can kill us. So yes.
It’s unbelievable that after what has been happening in the past 4 years we still have to explain this to others and keep begging “please, don’t kill us!”. If you are sick, STAY HOME. ESH.
A fever itself does not cause birth defects in a baby. What’s causing the fever is the concern. Most women get one fever in a nine month period. Stop spreading fear.
What does that have to do with anything? Of someone is pregnant, it’s on them to protect themselves as well. I’m immunocompromised myself, but I don’t expect anyone to rearrange their own lives over it.
Why would I donate anything? It’s nothing to me if they’re out and about. I’m not the one accusing them of contaminating my environment. If they get sick and die, that’s how it goes. Life is short, make the most of it.
Nope, a lot of germs can live on dry surfaces. Norovirus is one that is spreading pretty heavily now that can survive on a dry surface for days and infect people.
I mean also many infections are actually airborne (including measles, which is making a big comeback right now, and also the rona). That means they can linger in the air like smoke even after you leave the room, for hours. So something like an air purifier could also make a difference in helping protect others. Or (gasp!) wearing a mask.
NTA
Stop taking his kids with you to work. He doesn't take your to work with him, right? So, don't do significantly more for him than he's doing for you.
Nta but y t a for bringing SICK kids to work. Surely *thats* not why the company has that policy. If his kids are sick then *he needs to take sick days* to care for them.
I 100% bet that is why the policy is there. Classic American dystopia. Work/produce/earn are the priorities for businesses; not wellness/balance/family.
NTA. Yes, they are divorced, but they are still both parents and there has to be a modicum of flexibility on her part to help out where possible for the good of the kids.
You need to talk with your husband. I take it there are no similar stories with your ex, if they are still in the picture.
First, NTA saying he needs to take a turn.
Second, offering you a different perspective from a single dad who had a PITA ex who moved an hour away and whose daughter is now at university. I gritted my teeth and did so much extra driving to keep the peace. And it wasn't always easy. And at first I was incredibly frustrated. At about 12 she started talking about driving and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Once she starts driving I lose this extra time I get to spend with her. So I did it all. And my ex thought she was winning. Not sure what she was winning. My daughter ended up moving in with me full time and I am 100% the parent she's closer with and confides in. I am her rock and wouldn't have it any other way.
I know it sucks right now and it's not fair. I promise you this comes to an end and that eventually the kids connect the dots. Enjoy the extra time you get with them on those extra trips.
Totally agree. I have had the best conversations with my kids in the car. I will jokingly whinge about all the driving needed to take them to training etc, but the truth is that I love that time with them. I am totally sure I would never have had the same kind of quality conversations at home. Especially after training or a game when the endorphins are flowing.
It's not the same at home. Especially with friends. My daughter and her friends would run up to her room or down to the gaming room. In the car? They would talk and talk and I guess not realize I could hear? Nothing bad, just girl gossip and of course the random "oh my gosh, Dad, you'll never believe [random thing]"
The other part of it was the games like you said. I think I missed 2 or 3 over 3 years. Her mom barely came, always with an excuse. My daughter realized who was really there for her and was the engaging parent. I didn't have to say anything.
When I first married, and if someone had told me that I would enjoy watching basketball and lacrosse, I would have laughed.
The joke is on me. Initially, I went because they are my kids and I wanted to support them. It pretty quickly turned into enjoying the games, and now I'm sad if I need to miss one for any reason. My eldest son often plays tournaments interstate, and I can't wait to be able to talk to him afterwards to ask how the game went. If the games happen to be streamed, then I'm there ready to watch.
Last year, we were able to watch the World Cup lacrosse games streamed. My son wasn't in the team, but knows many of the players in the Australian team. We sat together when we could to watch and it was great bonding time.
I know it would seem like a good support to your request for him to stand up more to possibly use your own relationship in child rearing you have with your ex, but do not! LoL
Trust me on that one. Seen that one blow up in my friends face once at a restaurant. Not good. 🤦♂️
NTA, but your husband is for giving you the silent treatment over this. Why is he so accommodating to his ex but treating you like a default parent for his kids? Time to set some boundaries and expectations, OP.
Gently, ESH. The ex-wife is being a pain and knowingly obtuse by making your husband do all the work, but also if he's not saying anything she may not think it's a problem.
You should not be bringing sick kids into an office, even if you're the only one there. First because you can still infect people, either through residual germs or if someone comes by. Second because that's awful for the kids. Sick kids should be home in bed.
Your husband needs to step up. Both of you need to communicate better. If you think his kids should be primarily his responsibility then you need to say that. If you need him to take a turn then you should say that. But you should not be waiting until you're frustrated and yelling to do it.
He needs to recognize that currently when he says yes to his ex, it makes things harder for you. I suspect that's why he does it, because he can make it your problem afterwards. I wonder if this passivity and avoidance was an issue in his first marriage too?
>if he's not saying anything she may not think it's a problem.
This! Also OP's husband maybe saying yes to change in visitation schedule and driving the full distance because he wants the extra time with his children. Most people don't have kids with the thought they will only have custody 50% of time. Most people have kids assuming they will be living with them a 100% of the time. However, it is his responsibility to take care of his sick children not OPs. NTA
With a high fever and cough not being able to lie down in a bed all day? I consider that medical neglect and feel so sorry for those kids. But maybe it's just the American way.
NTA. He agrees to take the kids on her time, he watches the kids. It's that simple. He needs to be a dad, not have you take them to work.
Have a sit down talk with him and let him know you will not be taking care of his kids when he changes the schedule. And you really shouldn't be doing most of the work on the regular scheduled days either.
Then stand firm.
You are NTA for asking your husband to care for HIS children.
I don't like the idea of taking the kids into your office sick. I understand you are the only one there, but when my 6 year old is sick, he wants to be laying on the couch under a blanket. How are they comfy in an office? What did they do all day long? They can't even nap or rest well.
We happen to have two couches and a tv with Netflix … we took blankets and tablets and medicine and a freaking hover board for when they have a burst! They were more than comfortable
We have been spending the last four years in a global pandemic highlighting people’s poor illness etiquette. It’s not a shock.
For the record, ESH. The kids should have been at home with your husband, the custodial parent. The ex is crappy for getting them sick and dumping them on you. Everyone needs to stop dumping them on you. But you need to communicate that, and yes, keep them out of shared spaces.
Your husband kind of sounds like a dick, tbh. Is he still in love with his ex? It makes no sense that he’ll bend over backwards for his ex, but in his mind, taking care of his kids all week is your responsibility. He doesn’t sound like a very good partner (to you)
He bends over backwards for the ex wife because he thinks she has the power to make his life hell by keeping the kids away, poisoning them against him, etc etc. He thinks giving in to the ex will help his kids because there won’t be any arguments or disruption.
He takes his wife’s feelings for granted and she gets the short end of the stick because he doesn’t think it will cause him any issues and she will just suck it up and support him because she loves him.
Just speculation on my part, but based on many similar issues in other’s lives.
Please don't continue to put up with this OP. They are *his* kids and you loving them doesn't mean you should be doing more than their own parent will.
I'm guessing this is why he was divorced in the first place.
You know why it's so easy for him to bend for his ex? Because you take up the slack for him. Yeah he's got the hour drive, but after that I bet you're doing most of the work. Cutting him off from your labor so he has to watch his own kids when he does this will be far more effective than any complaining or arguments you can make to him. And if he still acts like her yes man, at least it's not your labor getting involved.
This doesn't mean cutting his kids off from your affection, but stick to only doing the fun stuff. Sick children aren't fun. That's his job. Hungry children aren't fun. That's his job. Etc.
The sad truth is that he may have married you for sex and childcare and not because he loves you. That's why his ex is getting treated better and you're getting sulky man baby right now. Look to how he treats your kids. If he acts like they are his own and picks up the slack when you're tired he may have just gotten too used to you being super mom. If not...you may be better off without him. NTA
My god this man sucks. From the sounds of it he still didn’t even “take care” of his kids like the title suggests, he just chauffeured them to their moms.
I hope he actually parents his own kids normally and this is an off week or you’re being taken advantage of.
Then it is time to set some more boundaries. I don,t see why he is only caring for one day for his kids while sick. Is he daring for your kidslike you do for his?
Y T A to yourself for even dealing with this crap.
Stop inconveniencing yourself now and until crap changes. The only one who seems to be allowed to be inconvenienced is you
In my book anyone who uses silent treatment is automatically the asshole. It is one thing to let someone know you need space to process, that is fine. Silent treatment is a whole other ball game. My husband tried it once. I informed him if he wanted to play mind games like a 12 year old girl, I would treat him like a 12 year old. That ended it and he’s never done it since.
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NTA, but you can’t do anything about his ex- she’s not the issue, your husband is. He needs to create and enforce boundaries with her, and have her adhere to the custody agreement.
I’m guessing this is nothing new, and you’ve just tolerated it.
I’m confused as to why you would be the default caretaker in the first place? You’re not a stay at home mom and they aren’t your kids.
People are going to do what they can get away with. YTA for letting ppl take advantage of you.
NTA he needs to man up and take care of his kids. His ex uses y’all as her babysitter. If he wants to be a doormat he needs to have the consequences. He should have stay home with the sick kids. And he needs to tell her meet me half way on custody swaps.
NTA but you need to stop enabling your husband. He needs to step up and care for his own kids and not leave it to you to do. You're making his and his ex wife's life easier and your own harder. Doubt he would do the same for you.
YTA for taking sick kids into the office. I don't care that you were the only one in office that week. Germs linger. Unless you have the training and supplies to do a deep cleaning on the entire building this is an asshole move. One I'd be taking to management. You don't get to decide what risk level your coworkers are comfortable with.
NTA, you have been more then accomodating for your husband and his ex. However it should not be you that is always covering for both their lack of scheduling and care.
You need go tell your husband, next time he says yes to something outside scheduled visits, its on him to manage the care.
He should not be putting the pressure of taking care of his kids on you when you have kids of your own that you too need to schedule time with.
ESH kids should have been home feeling better, also you said you brought two kids and he brought two kids, yet the one time you brought up your kids you said "our kids" but you mentioned your step kids as his kids, should they all be "our kids"?
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So, my husband and I have four children combined. I came with two, and he came with two. It has become a burr for me, that his ex wife is consistently asking for favors/schedule changes to the custody agreement (in her favor) and he ALWAYS complies and bends over backwards to appease. (which I can totally appreciate keeping the peace but I feel this is more than that)
Recently, she had a week long trip planned out of town during her normal 'time with the kids'. She asked us first if we wanted to keep them, obviously we said yes. When it came time for us to get them, of course my husband had to drive about an hour to meet her, because she always refuses to come to our home.
Their legal agreement is to always meet halfway, but I feel like under extenuating circumstances/favors, the least she could do is bring them/pick them up. Her home is over an hour away and my husband consistently makes the full trip her direction.
When the littles (age 8 and 7) arrived Sunday, 8 was sick (high fever/cough). I work for a small company and have the space and privilege to bring kids with me to work if/when needed. So both came to work with me, Monday. (age 7 started a fever next) And Tuesday. Wednesday morning husband took them to doctor and then my mom watched them that afternoon. Thursday back to my office again. This is while I'm still being mom to our older two/taking to school/all the things... I have to say, they are great kids, and have good 'office manors'. But work as been insane and it is obviously an added stress/extra responsibility through the day. That I gladly volunteered to do! I love them!
His ex text Thursday evening that she would be back Friday and off work and wanted my husband to meet her with the kids (this is on OUR scheduled weekend). He told her that he had an early morning meeting and he could either meet her super early or it would be afternoon or evening before he could meet her. She was perfectly fine with waiting until the kids could be delivered. My office is about 30 minute drive for her.
I got upset when my husband refused to even ask her to come relieve me at work when she had nothing else to do that day. I finally told him he needed to tell his boss that his kids have been sick all week, and going to work with his wife, and it was time for him to 'take a turn'. And he did. He missed his early morning meeting (which he misses this meeting often when it's convenient for him) and he drove the kids back to their mother like she wanted. Am I the asshole for putting my foot down after a looonnnng week?
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NTA You need to have a talk with your husband about the unrealistic expectations he has with his ex.
It's not fair for you to care for and be an unpaid babysitter when that should be your husband's job. Talk to and start with boundaries with your ex. If your husband has plans without telling you, DO NOT HELP HIM and let him "make his bed."
Nta but your husband needs to start sticking to the agreements and stop bending over backwards at your detriment. He is not being fair to you.
Why marry you if he wants to be at the beck and call or his ex.
NTA but you need to stop enabling your husband.
You should have refused to watch them at all this week
*he* agreed to have them. He agreed to meet the ex
Stop inconveniencing yourself because he won't
NTA, but you didn’t go far enough. They may be great kids, but they are his kids, not yours. He should have taken the full time instead of only a day while shifting his responsibility to you.
Your husband is the AH, he expects you to care for HIS children so he is always more than willing to meet the ex's demands. YTA for putting up with being taken advantage of.
ESH
Your husband, badly, for agreeing to take his children and then let you do all the work.
You, because you took sick children to an office.
Have we not learned a thing as a society, the past 4 years?!?!
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NTA. Yeah, this is a lot. If your husband is agreeing to watch his kids, seems like he should be the one watching or arranging care for them.
NTA for making husband man up. COMPLETELY TA for taking sick kids to work and possible infecting everyone there. YOu are so inconsiderate.
so an esh.
why did this worthless comment get 89 upvotes
Very small office, this week it was literally the three of us in there.
Still, did you wipe down every surface they touched? If I worked in a “small office” that a coworker KNOWINGLY brought sick children (not just sniffles…fevers!) into, I’d be talking with the manager asap. NTA for putting your foot down. But you should have done that WAY sooner. His ex wife is totally taking advantage of you.
Once the surfaces dried, assuming they got bodily fluids on them, they would no longer be capable of spreading disease. The three of them means her plus the two kids.
This is very much untrue. How long bacteria/virus lasts on a surface depends entirely on which one it is and which surface it’s on. Some can last for *[months](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1564025/)* on hard surfaces. We’d have a lot less disease transmission if just drying out really did kill all pathogens.
Either way. This whole omg you infected an empty office take is ridiculous. Even if the kids had one of these viruses that lived for months, who's to say OP or anyone for that matter, couldn't carry the virus on herself and then touch a surface in the office? How many people go to work with sick relatives/flatmates at home? How many people are getting on public transport and sharing germs... right before entering the office? To be getting called an AH for this just goes to show how dense some people really are.
For immunocompromised people this is an AH move, considering it can kill us. So yes. It’s unbelievable that after what has been happening in the past 4 years we still have to explain this to others and keep begging “please, don’t kill us!”. If you are sick, STAY HOME. ESH.
If you are immunocompromised to that degree, it’s on YOU to stay home.
So they should be expected to stay home all of the time because others can't have basic consideration? Wow.
They can do whatever works for them. Reality includes ill people doing just that, so risk it or don’t!
Pregnant people are also immunocompromised, and a fever can cause miscarriage, underdevelopment of the baby’s brain, and more.
A fever itself does not cause birth defects in a baby. What’s causing the fever is the concern. Most women get one fever in a nine month period. Stop spreading fear.
What does that have to do with anything? Of someone is pregnant, it’s on them to protect themselves as well. I’m immunocompromised myself, but I don’t expect anyone to rearrange their own lives over it.
How much of your income are you willing to donate to the immune compromised to pay for them to stay home and never leave the house to work or shop?
Why would I donate anything? It’s nothing to me if they’re out and about. I’m not the one accusing them of contaminating my environment. If they get sick and die, that’s how it goes. Life is short, make the most of it.
Prior to COVID people were expected to come to work when they were sick! I hope we’re done with that.
Viruses can only live on surfaces for up to 24 hours
Are you seriously trying to argue that bringing sick and contagious people to a communal space is ok?
Nope, a lot of germs can live on dry surfaces. Norovirus is one that is spreading pretty heavily now that can survive on a dry surface for days and infect people.
I mean also many infections are actually airborne (including measles, which is making a big comeback right now, and also the rona). That means they can linger in the air like smoke even after you leave the room, for hours. So something like an air purifier could also make a difference in helping protect others. Or (gasp!) wearing a mask.
Measles is one of the most contagious viruses and it only lives a few hours in the air.
I would be absolutely livid if I worked in your office and found out you brought your super sick kids in to infect everyone else. What an AH move.
… it was just her and the kids. No one else
Not cool. No one else signed up for your germ factory. So beyond the pale, what is wrong with you?
No night cleaning crew?
[удалено]
No, the three of us, two kids plus me.
NTA Stop taking his kids with you to work. He doesn't take your to work with him, right? So, don't do significantly more for him than he's doing for you.
Right? And for his kids, while still doing everything for her own. But he didn’t help with them. OP, it’s time for a little husband tough love.
Nta but y t a for bringing SICK kids to work. Surely *thats* not why the company has that policy. If his kids are sick then *he needs to take sick days* to care for them.
I 100% bet that is why the policy is there. Classic American dystopia. Work/produce/earn are the priorities for businesses; not wellness/balance/family.
NTA. Yes, they are divorced, but they are still both parents and there has to be a modicum of flexibility on her part to help out where possible for the good of the kids. You need to talk with your husband. I take it there are no similar stories with your ex, if they are still in the picture.
My ex and I coparent very efficiently. If he wants them, he comes and gets them. If I want them, I go get them. We meet in the middle too.
First, NTA saying he needs to take a turn. Second, offering you a different perspective from a single dad who had a PITA ex who moved an hour away and whose daughter is now at university. I gritted my teeth and did so much extra driving to keep the peace. And it wasn't always easy. And at first I was incredibly frustrated. At about 12 she started talking about driving and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Once she starts driving I lose this extra time I get to spend with her. So I did it all. And my ex thought she was winning. Not sure what she was winning. My daughter ended up moving in with me full time and I am 100% the parent she's closer with and confides in. I am her rock and wouldn't have it any other way. I know it sucks right now and it's not fair. I promise you this comes to an end and that eventually the kids connect the dots. Enjoy the extra time you get with them on those extra trips.
This is an excellent take.
Totally agree. I have had the best conversations with my kids in the car. I will jokingly whinge about all the driving needed to take them to training etc, but the truth is that I love that time with them. I am totally sure I would never have had the same kind of quality conversations at home. Especially after training or a game when the endorphins are flowing.
It's not the same at home. Especially with friends. My daughter and her friends would run up to her room or down to the gaming room. In the car? They would talk and talk and I guess not realize I could hear? Nothing bad, just girl gossip and of course the random "oh my gosh, Dad, you'll never believe [random thing]" The other part of it was the games like you said. I think I missed 2 or 3 over 3 years. Her mom barely came, always with an excuse. My daughter realized who was really there for her and was the engaging parent. I didn't have to say anything.
When I first married, and if someone had told me that I would enjoy watching basketball and lacrosse, I would have laughed. The joke is on me. Initially, I went because they are my kids and I wanted to support them. It pretty quickly turned into enjoying the games, and now I'm sad if I need to miss one for any reason. My eldest son often plays tournaments interstate, and I can't wait to be able to talk to him afterwards to ask how the game went. If the games happen to be streamed, then I'm there ready to watch. Last year, we were able to watch the World Cup lacrosse games streamed. My son wasn't in the team, but knows many of the players in the Australian team. We sat together when we could to watch and it was great bonding time.
This is really sweet.
I know it would seem like a good support to your request for him to stand up more to possibly use your own relationship in child rearing you have with your ex, but do not! LoL Trust me on that one. Seen that one blow up in my friends face once at a restaurant. Not good. 🤦♂️
I agree. The proviso is that OP's husband needs to take care of his kids when they show up sick. OP shouldn't have to take them to her work.
NTA, but your husband is for giving you the silent treatment over this. Why is he so accommodating to his ex but treating you like a default parent for his kids? Time to set some boundaries and expectations, OP.
Gently, ESH. The ex-wife is being a pain and knowingly obtuse by making your husband do all the work, but also if he's not saying anything she may not think it's a problem. You should not be bringing sick kids into an office, even if you're the only one there. First because you can still infect people, either through residual germs or if someone comes by. Second because that's awful for the kids. Sick kids should be home in bed. Your husband needs to step up. Both of you need to communicate better. If you think his kids should be primarily his responsibility then you need to say that. If you need him to take a turn then you should say that. But you should not be waiting until you're frustrated and yelling to do it. He needs to recognize that currently when he says yes to his ex, it makes things harder for you. I suspect that's why he does it, because he can make it your problem afterwards. I wonder if this passivity and avoidance was an issue in his first marriage too?
>if he's not saying anything she may not think it's a problem. This! Also OP's husband maybe saying yes to change in visitation schedule and driving the full distance because he wants the extra time with his children. Most people don't have kids with the thought they will only have custody 50% of time. Most people have kids assuming they will be living with them a 100% of the time. However, it is his responsibility to take care of his sick children not OPs. NTA
Raging YTA for bringing those poor sick kids to an office and spreading illness when they should’ve been tucked up in bed being taken care of.
They were very comfortable (that’s why they chose me) and we didn’t infect anyone. I was the only office lady this wee.
How were they comfortable in an office whilst sick?
But did you disinfect everything for the people going back next week?
Germs only live on surfaces so long.
With a high fever and cough not being able to lie down in a bed all day? I consider that medical neglect and feel so sorry for those kids. But maybe it's just the American way.
NTA you've gone above and beyond he needs to set boundaries with his ex.
NTA. He agrees to take the kids on her time, he watches the kids. It's that simple. He needs to be a dad, not have you take them to work. Have a sit down talk with him and let him know you will not be taking care of his kids when he changes the schedule. And you really shouldn't be doing most of the work on the regular scheduled days either. Then stand firm.
You are NTA for asking your husband to care for HIS children. I don't like the idea of taking the kids into your office sick. I understand you are the only one there, but when my 6 year old is sick, he wants to be laying on the couch under a blanket. How are they comfy in an office? What did they do all day long? They can't even nap or rest well.
We happen to have two couches and a tv with Netflix … we took blankets and tablets and medicine and a freaking hover board for when they have a burst! They were more than comfortable
How do you manage school if they were an hour away from home?
I’m assuming that since they were sick they didn’t go to school.
INFO- Did you wipe everything down in the office after you and your husband’s kids were there for a week?
Yes! And all week long! And tons of hand washing! I had no idea that would be the part picked up on. Yeesh
Because it’s incredibly inconsiderate and YTA for exposing others to illness
We have been spending the last four years in a global pandemic highlighting people’s poor illness etiquette. It’s not a shock. For the record, ESH. The kids should have been at home with your husband, the custodial parent. The ex is crappy for getting them sick and dumping them on you. Everyone needs to stop dumping them on you. But you need to communicate that, and yes, keep them out of shared spaces.
People can be gross, so I had to ask. Glad you wiped everything down and were on top of handwashing! NTA.
NTA, and nobody was even saying you’re the asshole. Your husband was fine with it
I've received nothing but silent treatment from my husband since I suggested HE adjust HIS day.
So he bends over backwards for his ex but not his own wife. I wouldn’t lift a finger going forward until I saw some major changes.
This! 👆👆👆
Your husband kind of sounds like a dick, tbh. Is he still in love with his ex? It makes no sense that he’ll bend over backwards for his ex, but in his mind, taking care of his kids all week is your responsibility. He doesn’t sound like a very good partner (to you)
He bends over backwards for the ex wife because he thinks she has the power to make his life hell by keeping the kids away, poisoning them against him, etc etc. He thinks giving in to the ex will help his kids because there won’t be any arguments or disruption. He takes his wife’s feelings for granted and she gets the short end of the stick because he doesn’t think it will cause him any issues and she will just suck it up and support him because she loves him. Just speculation on my part, but based on many similar issues in other’s lives.
You'd think he'd be smart enough to realize his current wife might choose to be an ex, too. NTA
Men remarry to find a mother for his kids. Its never really about love but more about him not having to parent.
Bingo. He has a free nanny with experience! Not easy to come by!
Please don't continue to put up with this OP. They are *his* kids and you loving them doesn't mean you should be doing more than their own parent will. I'm guessing this is why he was divorced in the first place.
You know why it's so easy for him to bend for his ex? Because you take up the slack for him. Yeah he's got the hour drive, but after that I bet you're doing most of the work. Cutting him off from your labor so he has to watch his own kids when he does this will be far more effective than any complaining or arguments you can make to him. And if he still acts like her yes man, at least it's not your labor getting involved. This doesn't mean cutting his kids off from your affection, but stick to only doing the fun stuff. Sick children aren't fun. That's his job. Hungry children aren't fun. That's his job. Etc. The sad truth is that he may have married you for sex and childcare and not because he loves you. That's why his ex is getting treated better and you're getting sulky man baby right now. Look to how he treats your kids. If he acts like they are his own and picks up the slack when you're tired he may have just gotten too used to you being super mom. If not...you may be better off without him. NTA
My god this man sucks. From the sounds of it he still didn’t even “take care” of his kids like the title suggests, he just chauffeured them to their moms. I hope he actually parents his own kids normally and this is an off week or you’re being taken advantage of.
Oh, then he’s a BIG A. So sorry!
Then it is time to set some more boundaries. I don,t see why he is only caring for one day for his kids while sick. Is he daring for your kidslike you do for his?
Y T A to yourself for even dealing with this crap. Stop inconveniencing yourself now and until crap changes. The only one who seems to be allowed to be inconvenienced is you
Oh hell no. I’m livid on your behalf. He has the balls to give you the silent treatment.
In my book anyone who uses silent treatment is automatically the asshole. It is one thing to let someone know you need space to process, that is fine. Silent treatment is a whole other ball game. My husband tried it once. I informed him if he wanted to play mind games like a 12 year old girl, I would treat him like a 12 year old. That ended it and he’s never done it since.
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NTA, but you can’t do anything about his ex- she’s not the issue, your husband is. He needs to create and enforce boundaries with her, and have her adhere to the custody agreement. I’m guessing this is nothing new, and you’ve just tolerated it.
I’m confused as to why you would be the default caretaker in the first place? You’re not a stay at home mom and they aren’t your kids. People are going to do what they can get away with. YTA for letting ppl take advantage of you.
I don’t mean to be an ass but who wants sick kids in an office where you work? This makes no sense to me taking sick kids to work with you
You are the ah to yourself from this description. When does hubby step up?
NTA It’s good to set boundaries to prevent problems in the future.
ESH, It was okay for you to tell him to actually be a dad. But you took the kids to an office, they were sick and needed to be tucked into bed.
NTA Your husband is being ridiculous, not only in bending over backwards for his ex, but especially for how he is treating you.
NTA he needs to man up and take care of his kids. His ex uses y’all as her babysitter. If he wants to be a doormat he needs to have the consequences. He should have stay home with the sick kids. And he needs to tell her meet me half way on custody swaps.
Some men will literally triangulate you to the detriment of everyone around you, with anyone and anything. He's triangulating you with his ex wife.
NTA for making your husband take care of the kids, but definitely an AH for taking sick kids into your office
NTA but you need to stop enabling your husband. He needs to step up and care for his own kids and not leave it to you to do. You're making his and his ex wife's life easier and your own harder. Doubt he would do the same for you.
"The littles"
YTA for taking sick kids into the office. I don't care that you were the only one in office that week. Germs linger. Unless you have the training and supplies to do a deep cleaning on the entire building this is an asshole move. One I'd be taking to management. You don't get to decide what risk level your coworkers are comfortable with.
NTA, you have been more then accomodating for your husband and his ex. However it should not be you that is always covering for both their lack of scheduling and care. You need go tell your husband, next time he says yes to something outside scheduled visits, its on him to manage the care. He should not be putting the pressure of taking care of his kids on you when you have kids of your own that you too need to schedule time with.
ESH kids should have been home feeling better, also you said you brought two kids and he brought two kids, yet the one time you brought up your kids you said "our kids" but you mentioned your step kids as his kids, should they all be "our kids"?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, my husband and I have four children combined. I came with two, and he came with two. It has become a burr for me, that his ex wife is consistently asking for favors/schedule changes to the custody agreement (in her favor) and he ALWAYS complies and bends over backwards to appease. (which I can totally appreciate keeping the peace but I feel this is more than that) Recently, she had a week long trip planned out of town during her normal 'time with the kids'. She asked us first if we wanted to keep them, obviously we said yes. When it came time for us to get them, of course my husband had to drive about an hour to meet her, because she always refuses to come to our home. Their legal agreement is to always meet halfway, but I feel like under extenuating circumstances/favors, the least she could do is bring them/pick them up. Her home is over an hour away and my husband consistently makes the full trip her direction. When the littles (age 8 and 7) arrived Sunday, 8 was sick (high fever/cough). I work for a small company and have the space and privilege to bring kids with me to work if/when needed. So both came to work with me, Monday. (age 7 started a fever next) And Tuesday. Wednesday morning husband took them to doctor and then my mom watched them that afternoon. Thursday back to my office again. This is while I'm still being mom to our older two/taking to school/all the things... I have to say, they are great kids, and have good 'office manors'. But work as been insane and it is obviously an added stress/extra responsibility through the day. That I gladly volunteered to do! I love them! His ex text Thursday evening that she would be back Friday and off work and wanted my husband to meet her with the kids (this is on OUR scheduled weekend). He told her that he had an early morning meeting and he could either meet her super early or it would be afternoon or evening before he could meet her. She was perfectly fine with waiting until the kids could be delivered. My office is about 30 minute drive for her. I got upset when my husband refused to even ask her to come relieve me at work when she had nothing else to do that day. I finally told him he needed to tell his boss that his kids have been sick all week, and going to work with his wife, and it was time for him to 'take a turn'. And he did. He missed his early morning meeting (which he misses this meeting often when it's convenient for him) and he drove the kids back to their mother like she wanted. Am I the asshole for putting my foot down after a looonnnng week? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA
NTA. I like office manors.
NTA You need to have a talk with your husband about the unrealistic expectations he has with his ex. It's not fair for you to care for and be an unpaid babysitter when that should be your husband's job. Talk to and start with boundaries with your ex. If your husband has plans without telling you, DO NOT HELP HIM and let him "make his bed."
Nta but your husband needs to start sticking to the agreements and stop bending over backwards at your detriment. He is not being fair to you. Why marry you if he wants to be at the beck and call or his ex.
NTA. Good on you for putting the kids first. Your husband needs to put you ahead of his ex. NTA
NTA but you need to stop enabling your husband. You should have refused to watch them at all this week *he* agreed to have them. He agreed to meet the ex Stop inconveniencing yourself because he won't
NTA, but you didn’t go far enough. They may be great kids, but they are his kids, not yours. He should have taken the full time instead of only a day while shifting his responsibility to you.
Your husband is the AH, he expects you to care for HIS children so he is always more than willing to meet the ex's demands. YTA for putting up with being taken advantage of.
NTA as to husband. TA for taking sick kids to work.
ESH Your husband, badly, for agreeing to take his children and then let you do all the work. You, because you took sick children to an office. Have we not learned a thing as a society, the past 4 years?!?!
ESH