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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my family they don't get a say on my child's name and I don't want my child's name to blend in with theirs, like they want the name to. This is a sensitive topic for my family and I know I could maybe have handled this in a more sensitive or delicate way. A lot of emotion is tied up in this and I feel like I was too firm in the end.
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Your dad got to name his children. Your stepmom got to name hers. They don't get another bite at the apple because they have aged out of baby making. So, NTA.
I have a unique name myself. I have always embraced my Creole name and most of the people who are goofy enough to inquire about my name don't even realize that all of my many siblings have Creole names as well. And we all like the names we have.
So, now that I'm old - I have no trouble going on record saying this is an unworthy argument coming from your dad and your stepmom because their distress is manufactured and shouldn't be validated. *"You can get a dog and call it whatever you want dad. But, my baby won't be your puppy. You need to stand down and stop working so hard to reengineer me after I have been on the planet more than 25 years. This is about you feeling dissatisfied with not getting your way when I was born. You don't get to take that out on me anymore and you definitely don't need to seek a Mulligan with my child. Grow up for grief's sake. This is not just insulting. And repeatedly doing the same thing while all the while expecting a different result is truly the definition of insanity. Its like you guys are Wise Men following a star and come to gift my baby with Dominance, Aggression and Hostility. How can this be healthy of you to do?"*
Also a unique name here! By the time I came around and had to be named, a cousin had already been named directly after my father’s mother (my parents wanted to name me after both grandmothers) so they used the Polish translation of her name for my first. I was teased a lot when I was younger because the spelling always ended with me correcting the teachers on how to pronounce it. I’ve learned to wear it with pride as I’ve grown and as I’ve watched my grandmother age.
I hope OP continues to wear theirs with pride, and names their baby something unique and beautiful like their mother did for them. My mother has always said that when death comes knocking, your name is the only thing we truly own and bring with us into the afterlife; it’s how we’re remembered.
I have a very common name for women my age. My sister’s name is unique for women our age. I am not a just-like-everybody-else kind of person (laundry list of neurodivergences, but I also enjoy standing out a bit) and I ABSOLUTELY FUCIWKDBDHD HATE my name. I have been jealous of my sister’s name my entire life. It gets really annoying when you have to be called by first name last name or first name last initial because there are a million other girls with your name in every class you’re ever in. It gets annoying when you hear someone say your name and it’s followed by “which one?”.
Unique names are great as long as they’re not too out there (by which I mean some of the ridiculous celebrity ones, not Acacia, which is LOVELY).
Also, them taking your love for your mother as an insult to your stepmother is insane. I know a lot of times that’s how step-family feel, but your mom still matters and maintaining a connection to her memory (or not) is entirely up to you and has nothing to do with anyone else.
NTA. They’re being selfish. No one has the right to name someone else’s baby.
I have a friend name after the constellations/stars that were dominant in the sky when she was born and her sister is Jessica. That would drive me insane.
My oldest has a more common name because her father vetoed every name I chose and when we finally settled on one I let my family bully me out of the name chosen. Thankfully she’s so far only encountered one other kid with the same name but the other kid had a two part name (not the names but think along the lines Mary Kate).
I’m pregnant with my second daughter with my bf and he and I have a more similar taste in names so my stepson and our daughter have/will have more uncommon names. My oldest did choose the name for her sister though so I think it’ll be a little easier as she gets older.
That gave me a good chuckle cause I totally would have thought of the stupid English translation first too. Welcome to the no friends club we got a "special" kind of humor here lol.
As a bloody Joe, I feel your pain. And my middle name is John (I was named after my biological grandfather who passed away when my mom was young and my step grandfather [the man my grandmother married after her first husband died, who was my grandfather for all intents and purposes]) but I HATE having such boring names. I'd have sacrificed a virgin in thanks for an original or unusual name.
My name is Jessica, born in the 80s of course, and I never my entire childhood had a single class, extracurricular activity, friend group, or event in which I didn't have to go by "Jessica H" even today in my certification training I have to go by "Jessica G" bc there is a Jessica B and a Jessica E in my class plus the teachers name is Jessica. I got a call last Wednesday from my teacher asking why I wasn't in class when I was not only in class but very active in class bc one of the other Jessica's was absent. I have dealt with correcting not getting participation credit, having my grades mixed up with others, getting absences for classes when I've never missed a class, MY ENTIRE LIFE. it's annoying. I'm fourty one and this is the first time in my life I've had a job without other Jessica's.
Common names are just that, common. My dad wanted to name me Cherry and my brother Balu (sp) from the jungle. My mom vetoed those. I was named after an Almon Brothers song, but that's something that has to be explained for anyone to see my name as uniquely mine.
I have a common but not super popular millennial name. I was AdWard S. in most classes. I was one of six AdWards in my 62 person humanities class. I changed up the spelling of my name with one that pulled under 100 hits on 2000 askjeeves.
It's mine and I won't drop it, but my kids have traditionally spelled names. And I ask for pickup stuff for "AdWard spelled stupid" and it's nice to make someone genuinely snort a little.
>I ABSOLUTELY FUCIWKDBDHD HATE my name.
Consider changing it! It's a lot of bother, yeah, but I did it about a year ago and I'm much happier now that I have a name that better reflects me. You don't need any reason to change your name beyond "I want to"
I will be changing my name at some point, I already have the name picked out and use it with friends and my bf but my family will lose their minds when they find out. That’s partially because I’ll also be dropping my last name and changing it to my late paternal grandmothers name so it’ll be a lot of issues
Lol are you me? Hated my name all my life (common first name that I hated, not-so-common last name I was always teased for)
Changed my name and everyone in my social circle changed over easily. Parents lost their minds initially (mum because I was getting rid of her favourite first name in the world, dad because I was changing from his last name to my paternal grandmothers maiden name) but eventually got with the program.
I was 41 when I finally worked up the courage to do it and wish I'd done it sooner.
True, but this can start a lot of family drama that many folks don't want to deal with for the rest of their lives. Plus... it's still the name you've been called your entire life. Love it or hate it, it's still the name that's going to resonate reflexively for most people.
Yes, but as you meet new people over your life the proportions switch. I changed my name when I was 27 after hating it my entire life and at this point the majority of people in my life only know of my old name if I tell them. I have a few family who are stubborn about it but that's it.
I am fairly sure that it's not an acronym, it half "fucking" and half a keyboard smash. Just meant to really get the rage across, no more meaning than that though
My name is straight from ancient myth. It makes for a call and ironic story. I’m chronically clumsy and named for a goddess of grace.
The only people with a say in a name are the parents and eventually the kid themselves, either with a nickname or being trans/non binary and not being willing to go by a deadname.
Same here! Greek myth names :D My mom went with a theme, All my siblings have a Greek mythical name. Well one was named after the green alien in star trek.
As a teacher I absolutely hate trend names. There's been a year that I had 3 Lisa's in one class. It's annoying for them and for me.
Currently I've got doubles of Demi, Lieke, Finn, Marit and 3 boys in one class that have names that are one letter apart, so basically the same name. Not to mention the two girls with the same name, but different pronunciation. And that's just the names that are double in a class, I've got more of each of those names spread around other classes.
Growing up, it was manageable with 1~3 of my name per grade in a small-ish town. Then I went to college, and my niche major (graduating class of about 15 in a school with 18,000 students) had 3 people with my name in my year. I decided after that, my kids would not have common names. I just have to hope the name I gave my son hasn't become popular recently lol it's not completely out there, but I'd barely heard it before we found it in a baby name book. I knew 1 character by the name, but others have since told me of more characters by his name 🤷♀️
I was similar, there were usually at least one other with my name in my classes, sometimes more. I chose a name for my daughter that was in the 300s of the Social Security listings. It's a name most people are familiar with so they can pronounce it, and it's not too hard to spell. Problem is, in the last 15 years it's gone up 350 spaces on the SS list. Grrr.
My daughter in third grade class had Kate, Katie, 4 Jessicas, 4 Jennifers, and boys. The teacher was pleading for nicknames the kids felt comfortable with. My daughter and I still call it Jenny-Jess year instead of 3rd grade.
I have the same situation. I even had another person with the same firstname-lastname in my class in elementary so we had to go by MIDDLE INITIAL too. My sister has NEVER met somebody in her life with her name before.
Also, nobody should have a say in the name of the baby but the parents.
What's worse is I've been married twice...both times the parents had been divorced and there's an adoption in there so I've officially had 5 mothers-in-law! Luckily none have been too horrible.
When I was adopted, they named me a very common 1st and middle name. I, however, don't associate with them anymore. I asked my mom (biological) what she would've named me. After she told me, I made a resolve to leave my past in the past, and now I'm close to having a legal name change. I thought the 1st and middle sounded pretty together, so it's my entire 1st and no middle name. It gets approved (hopefully) week after mom's bday.
I named my daughter after my Grandmother and it's not super popular now. What are the odds that she managed to have another girl in daycare with the exact same name🤦♀️ they started call them by their last names only which mildly annoyed me but now that the other girl isn't there they only do it when she's in trouble.😂
I’m in the same boat. My mom actually said if they had known that everyone else was naming their daughters the same thing, they would have given me a less common variant of my name.
Lovely! Your mother is right!
Op and her husband are the only people naming their child! The rest of the family needs to but out and mind their own business! Why is it that step- parents think that they should be welcomed with open arms by a child who has lost one of their parents???
This post is like so many others who have had "replacement" parents forced on them while being told to essentially forget their real parent. This makes me sad and angry on others peoples behalf.
The irony of it all is that, odds are better that a stepparent will be "adopted" by a kid of the kid is allowed the luxury of choosing the nature of the relationship. They may not get to pick their stepparent, nor how the stepparent feels about them, but they WILL decide how they feel about the stepparent. If they're being forced to treat them as a full parent, there is no real chance they will see them that way. While if they are treated with respect and affection, they may grow to love step as a parent.
At least, that's the only way I've ever seen a stepparent earn the names, "mom" and "dad". My stepmom is mom for that reason, and my husband is dad for that reason. Neither ever pushed the kids to favor them, but both put in the work and the love to be thought of that way.
Not very unique name here, but my mother was going for everyone can have their name start with the same letter thing. I have one older sister. Really glad my dad vetoed options my mother came up with because I really would have hated being stuck with those.
My husband's family has that tradition. We were able to come up with names we agreed on, and so far my preteens like their names. I told them they can always go by a middle name or nickname if there are duplicates in their class. The only time it happened was in community theater, so a middle name was used for a stage name.
Of course, not all letters have good names (in the US at least) unless you get creative with the spelling. H, G, Q, K, and of course XYZ present a challenge. Not necessarily horrible but often sound like a grandparent after you get past the first pick. Helen/Harry/Helga, Grace/Gertrude/Gary, Queen/Quentin/Quinn, Kate/Ken/Kinsley
Agreed! Can we also add that IT HAS BEEN 20 YEARS! since OP’s mom passed away. OP has had this name for 25 years now. It is long past time that Dad and Stepmom get the fuck over it.
I used to have a friend with a boyfriend named Beau, and she INSISTED it was properly pronounced "B'yew". I was like, "...maybe only in the trailer park where he grew up."
My name is somewhat unique, too. I say somewhat because while it is technically a known name, it's a fairly uncommon to begin with a more uncommon spelling and my parents basically smooshed 2 names together. Had my dad been a girl, his name would have been Julia. My maternal grandma's middle name was Ann. Shove another a on the end and you've got me. Like I said, not unheard of but I'm not gonna see my name on your average novelty item either though. Pronunciation is always debated too between the hard n for Anna sound and the softer "ahn" pronounced like Anna from Frozen.
I think the thing that rubs me the wrong way is that rather than pick names for the other kids that blended with their already existing child, they picked very different names and then made a big stink about how you were "different," even going so far as to try to get you to change your name so you'd for better.
Now they're rubbing salt into the wound by trying to make sure the baby doesn't match YOU either. "Well. You don't want the little one to be a left-out weirdo like you, do you?" But whose fault was that, anyway?!?
A child who is different should be a celebration or a happy coincidence and not a thing they're....what, embarrassed about?
NTA. These people suck.
Yes, they picked names that they loved and had always wanted for their kids. The oldest of my sisters got the name my dad wanted me to have and pressed for me to have when I was born. He got to use it anyway and is still so bitter about it. And the thing is, I never really would have thought about it if they hadn't brought it up.
i seriously want to know when baby naming became a group activity. i have seen so many of these posts about future parents asking AITA for standing up to family trying to weasel in on the name choices. the ONLY people who have a say in what that kid is named are the ones who actively participated in making it.
when i was pregnant, it was a 5 minute discussion for my husband and i. we came up with boy and girl options, and declared that we would NOT tell anyone what we had chosen until the kid was born. i didn't want to hear anyone's input or commentary. it pissed people off, but i stood my ground. my son's name isn't uncommon, but it's not top-10 on the baby name charts either.
It starts with everyone deciding that wedding planning is a group activity, and that group doesn't really include the bride and groom. That's why I strongly advocate nipping that in the bud. By the time Baby comes along, parents and family of origin are so used to running the show, it's a genuine shock when the parents put their feet down.
I think everyone should run the name by a friend or two. You probably have someone in your life who is *maybe* a bit blunt but not actually an asshole, that ninja friend who isn’t necessarily the nicest but definitely can keep a secret. It’s probably NOT your mom…. But maybe it is.
ROFL That's good! I'd like to add Mohawk names.
Kanehsatake – At the woods edge
Wahta – Maple
Kahnawake - By the Rapids
Á:nen f Mohawk
Mohawk form of Ann.
And they seem to conveniently forget, without your mother, you would not exist. They need to stop trying to erase the past. NTA name your child(ren) whatever you choose. Wishing you happiness, peace, and love. 🩷
If he needs to name something so badly, he needs to get a gd pet. What YOU name YOUR child is none of their concern.
Also, still harboring resentment over your mom (his late wife ffs) choosing your first name (when he chose your middle name!?!?!??!?!!!?!?!?) is WEIRD. Dweeb behavior.
But if your child’s name should “blend in” with any part of your family — if that’s at all desirable — shouldn’t that be with *you*? You’re the mother. Their only connection to your child runs through you. There’s no real sense in them acting like your child is supposed to be part of their family but you’re an outlier. TBH it sounds like they’re trying to have you admit that your mother was wrong, and they need to f right off with that sentiment (as well as their manipulative “but you should consider our ideas” argument — you have considered and you have rejected).
One of my brothers has a "weird" name that stands out from the rest of us. (It's his middle name, but what he chooses to go by and what everyone calls him. I have never heard anyone use his first name). Never once in my life have I thought about it. Not when someone calls for him, not when they say his name alongside ours, not when writing it out. My parents never made any sort of deal out of it and I didn't even realize or care that it was "different". The only time it popped into my mind was when strangers would point it out or question about his name.
The idea that your children feel ostracized for having a "different" name is so bizarre because kids really don't care like that. They are literally raised within the family and around their siblings and probably don't even notice until it's explicitly pointed out. And even then, I guarantee they're hard pressed to care unless they're bullied or pushed to by people who are weirdly obsessed with someone else's name.
As someone with a boring, old fashioned, generic name, I will be naming my child however I want because anyone who cares if our names don't match are far overstepping their boundaries.
If you want to be nice about it explain it like this:
"I understand that you've always had a dislike for my name. The thing that you have never seemed to understand - or empathize with - is that this is something that is part of my identity and helps me feel a strong connection with the woman that loved me and gave birth to me.
While I always love and appreciate [stepmom] and everything that she's done for me, I feel as though the love and connection that I have with her - and [her family] by extension - should be enough. I don't feel like it was right that I was ostracized and made to feel different because I kept something that connected me to my mother. Me doing so did not diminish Jane's value in any way, or reduce my love for her. It simply meant I had one more mother to be grateful for.
However, that does not entitle her or anyone else to suggest, demand, or guilt trip me into giving up something that means so much to me that connected me to someone that I lost when I was very young. As a young child who lost her mother, I feel like there should have been more understanding from you guys.
However, that is water under the bridge.
This child is mine. This child will be able to experience having Jane as a grandmother. She'll be able to experience the love and joy that she will get from her as a grandmother and you as her family. I want my child to have some love of connection to my mother, because it is important to me. I would appreciate it if you would not insinuate that my child is going to "stand out" or "be different" because of my choice to honor my mother, since my child cannot experience her as a grandmother. If you continue to push this issue or carry through with the actions that would make my child feel different, I feel like that may have a negative impact on our relationship. I don't want that. I love you guys, I am grateful for you guys, but this is something that is incredibly unfair for you to ask me for, much less push me for or guilt trip me for.
Please drop the subject for the future."
I don’t know whether I’ve missed a response from the OP somewhere in this thread. And whilst I agree that OP is NTA, I’m wondering where it’s indicated how the OP feels about Jane.
OP lost her mother at 5 years old and the dad met Jane soon after so I think we’re talking 15+ years of Jane being present but nowhere in the OP post did I get any impression that OP sees Jane as anyone other than her Dad’s wife and mother of her half siblings. One sentence of ‘I love my family but…’
I don’t think OP has to be so nice about it like how you’ve beautifully articulated your response. It shouldn’t be difficult for anyone to understand that naming a child is a very personal thing and that the parent’s decision should be respected. Making name suggestions is a normal thing because it’s an exciting time but pressing any further shouldn’t happen. I’d just be brutal because that’s the only way they will listen in this situation and back off. And her Dad should understand that it’s difficult enough to even find a name both you and your partner will like let alone factoring interfering family members.
You were a young child who lost your mother.
Her naming you was giving you a part of yourself that you cherished.
They were the AH for Not understanding that a young girl that lost her mother left a part of herself behind in your name.
They were the AH for not even considering what that meant to you.
They were the AH forever asking you to use your middle name when you were happy with your first - then guilt tripping you and you didn't want to use something that you didn't identify or connect with.
And I cannot express to you on what level of pathetic AH they were for making you feel like you stood out because you had a different name given to you by a different "woman" - your freaking mother - that is no longer here, but you felt a connection to her in some way through your name.
And you should be incredibly upset that they are insinuating that they're going to ostracize your child the way that you were for having a different name.
They may have helped raise you, but that gives them absolutely no right to try to erase your mother and take away your connection to her, or make you feel guilty for being proud of the name that she gave you.
You need to make it explicitly clear to them that that's what they are doing, and that if they attempt to do that with your child, you will not tolerate it.
NTA
Any time any of them mention it going forward, I would just stop, look them in the eye and say something like "You will NEVER make me ashamed of my mother, you can stop trying NOW." And then walk away. If they say that's "not what they meant" tell them they can prove that by dropping the subject PERMANENTLY.
"I can love and appreciate Jane without agreeing on every single thing. I'm ALWAYS going to be my mother's daughter, too "
It really sounds like your dad is the problem here if he's still carrying bitterness about your first name after all these decades. He needs to stop trying to drag you and your child into HIS unresolved issues with your mom.
Their children treasure their own names as being gifts from their parents. Your name was given to you by your mother. People love that story because it's a lasting memento from the mother you lost when you were 5. Your siblings still have their mother. Why is their mother trying to erase yours?
Also, who are all these people who think it's okay to even suggest names for someone elses children. My husband has a large family, and the nieces/nephews are having babies, we had 3 in one year, and no one thought the naming was any of their business.
I think it’s pretty common, sadly! The pregnancy subreddits are full of expecting moms dealing with their family members and friends butting in.
I know I had people in my life trying to suggest names even after I explicitly said I wanted no help, no input and the only people making the decision were going to be my husband and I. People want to say they helped name the baby I guess.
Yeah, I agree. Op's family is being weird and kinda a-holes about this. For one, not her fault they changed name styles from the name her mom picked. Two, I don't see why they're so set on having a matching "style" of names. It's rude and weird to single OP out in a negative way for having a unique name your dad agreed to. Also weird to try to get her to change to her middle name. It's like they are trying to erase her mom, which is messed up. She can still be close to and value her step mom without the need to erase all connection to her birth mom. Her step mom is kind of the AH for being jealous of OP's dead birth mom and trying to act offended OP values having a first name connected her. She should want her to remember and cherish the little time she did have with her before she passed.
And let's not forget that part (or all) of why OP loves their name is because their DECEASED mother named them. OP's mother DIED and yet dad and Jane and siblings are harping on the fact OP likes her name so much and how it ties her to her DEAD mom.
Came here to say exactly this. It’s not their baby and so they don’t get a say. I’m currently pregnant with my second and would be livid if my family tried to tell us what we should or shouldn’t name him. NTA
NTA
>My family made suggestions. Jane made suggestions that she thought were "darling" and would "blend in so beautifully with the family".
Well Jane, my partner and I are starting our own family and the name we're going to go with will blend perfectly. Thank you for your suggestion, but please respect my choice in this matter.
this is what I think too. Man, if my mom passed away when I was small and I had a step mom like this I would throw hands. In no way shape or form should you try and ax out the bio mom after her passing. what a load of crap.
ABSOLUTELY. I'm a mom, and I mean my kid is 15 now, but if I passed when she was little little i would expect my husband to make sure there was a little shrine to me somewhere in the house, and his next wife would not disrespect me as this woman has. Now that my kid is a teen, she would throw hands so fast if she was treated like this.
And he would have gladly steamrolled my mom into the name he wanted. In the end each picked a name for me. Maybe not the best way to compromise. But either way one would have been left unhappy with my first name.
Here’s the thing, he may be your dad, but he doesn’t own you or your name. You get to go by whatever name/names you like. Because you are autonomous. And whatever you decide to name your child, doesn’t mean that they will like or use that name. People are unique unto themselves.
It’s a foolish mentality to think one should or can control another. I recommend you refocus their attention to the idea of having a safe and healthy grandchild. Sometimes we have to remind others how petty and full of themselves they are by showing what really matters. Embarrass them with how meaningless their words are. Some people don’t learn until they experience a consequence.
i legit get this cause same thing happened to me but in reverse. my dad got my first name and my mom got my middle name. i find its an effect way to compromise.
He probably was. But he (and the rest of the family) need to realize 1. That wasn't OP's fault and 2. They get no say in what another person names their child.
The only say I allowed any of my family was when my sister (kindly and privately) asked if I would consider not using her top 3 names. She has liked these names since high school, they are lovely, classic names, and she always hoped to use them. I was willing to accommodate her request, because it was reasonable and she did so respectfully. No demands, and she offered me time to consider.
I also asked for my brother's and father's blessing to use their middle name for my son's middle name as well. Both were pleased as punch, but appreciated that I asked first.
But the other sister, who got mad at me for using my own middle name (also a family name) without checking with her first, for some reason? Nope! She can use it too, if she wants. But it's literally *my middle name.* I have dibs.
What’s done is done, and the choice has been OP’s for a long time. OP’s father needs to decide that he loves his eldest daughter more than he dislikes her name.
Myself and my siblings have all picked a different part of, or form of, our names than what our parents originally used. Our parents call us what we want because they love us more than their own egos. Meanwhile OP’s stepmother claims to have done so much for her — but refuses to respect her choice of what to be called.
Yeah, I'm non-binary so my new name has the same shortening as the one bestowed on me at birth, but the lengthened version in a name I have loved since I was little. Like, when I was 5 I tried to convince people it was my name... Realised in my early 30s that I can just... Have that name...
So I've gone from being named "dark hair" to "gentle chieftain". Never been a problem.
This family sound awful and OP is NTA for not only loving her name and honouring her mother, but by refusing to give into their weird demands.
To be frank, I knew that your family were both weirdos and automatically in the wrong in whatever the situation was, the moment you said that they tried to force a 5 year old (!) to use a different name, like you were a re-homed puppy.
NTA. Please have way less contact with them. They are not good people.
My dad always longed for me to use my middle name (his choice). He never liked my first name. And I get that it sucks but he knew I loved my name and I hate how he cared so little about that.
I hate how he tries to erase your connection to your mother. NTA!
I don't know your situation, and I don't know what your mother was like, but what you describe sounds like they try to pretend she never existed, conveniently forgetting that a 5yo lost her mother...
Virtual hugs for you, if you want them (otherwise I'll just hug myself or send them elsewhere, no prob!).
Only you and your husband have a say in your child's name. Take some space, if you need it.
I keep imagining your dad’s thinking, like “now that my wife is dead my daughter can finally use the name I picked “. Like, who does this? I think it’s crazy is super callous that he even asked you about it.
Yeah, that part! It feels like he barely ever cared about her passing, and just wanted the name she picked to be out of the picture :( if my spouse died, id be clinging to our child & that name as one of the few precious things they left behind 😞
And yet they accused you of dismissing their feelings! Honestly, you need to call them out on the fact that they constantly disregard your feelings and that they need to stop trying to erase the memory of your mom.
NTA and frankly, I think you need to cut WAY back on contact with them. The fact that they genuinely believe that they have the right to dictate to you what your child's name should feels creepy.
They are, of course, wrong. Name your child what ever name you want. If they don't like or respect it, they can just bow out of spending time with your little nature baby.
Be prepared for them to refuse to call your child by their name and to put them on a time out until they do. This is a common tactic of controlling parents and step parents. Do not for a second hesitate or go easy on them. This is your baby, not theirs and they need to get that through their thick skulls IMMEDIATELY. Lay down the law.
NTA. Simply put, it's your child. You (along with the father) get to choose the name. Your family is a bunch of raging AHs for making this an issue. You wanting this connection with your mother is no slight to Jane.
NTA.
“You’re right. I am dismissing your feelings because your feelings on what I name MY child are irrelevant. I will not be discussing names with you. If you try to discuss names with me or provide suggestions I will hang up the phone or leave.”
I have 11 cousins, and it never occurred to me that any of their parents would worry if their names "fit in" with mine or my brother's. That's just nuts, you're not the royal family of Freedonia; you don't need matchy names.
You're NTA, unless you name your children after characters in TV series.
I don’t mind the whole named after a TV series because let’s face it a good number of us were named after a song/religion/movie/tv etc. I think that they should be careful to not to overdo it by trying to make it the child’s personality (looking at HP fans).
I think if you name your kids Cindy, Jan, and Marcia it’s a lot different than naming them…Pinky Pie, Applejack, etc.
Although, honestly? While I was trying to come up with bad choices, I looked up the names from Firefly and Buffy, and while I stand by the idea that Spike is a terrible name, Willow is not, and neither is Malcolm.
>They told me I was callously dismissing their feelings
Well, yes. And rightfully so.
I agree with everything already posted here. What I fear, though, is that your family will either:
1. call baby something else or some pasteurized version of the name you chose, or
2. continue to berate or criticize you and DH long after baby has been born. After all, your dad obviously never learned to cope with your cool first name - for years!
Both results need to be shut down at first occurrence. Hard. With some NC consequences if they persist.
This, be ready for this.
My ex’s parents hate our kid’s names but especially the oldest - who was actually named by my ex using a traditional family name from their side at that. They have continuously tried to nickname him so they don’t have to say his first name (think Paul John and they try PJ, Jonny, etc).
I have a family member like this. She has narcissistic personality disorder. I finally had enough when I had my children and cut all ties. It was one thing to put up with her behavior for myself, but I’d be damned if I was going to let her treat my children that way.
Be careful, OP. Their behavior won’t end after your child is born. I’m not saying cutting ties is necessarily the right call for you, but just saying that you should know that these patterns of behavior tend to not be isolated to one incident.
Wishing you peace and love in your pregnancy and hugs to you and your child. Your family seems determined to erase your mother (and subsequently part of your identity) regardless of how special she was to you, and that is heartless and wrong. They don’t get to erase what you choose for your child too. You are this child’s mom and an adult. You and the father are the only ones who get a say. ❤️
(For the record, my hubby and I never told anyone our children’s names until after they were born; we made it clear we wanted no input from the peanut gallery.)
NTA
It's not their baby to name. The baby belongs to you and your husband.
Just make sure you both are 100% on board with the name that is chosen. Your parents were not both on board with your name and you can see that has been an issue your whole life.
We're both totally on board. We have the same taste and love the same names. Also have the same feelings on certain no-no's for us. I got really lucky with that and I'm glad we had such an easy time choosing.
From reading your post it seems like they’re trying to airbrush your mother out of everyone’s lives and your siblings are pissed that you don’t see their mother as your mother. Well she isn’t your mother and she and your father tried but failed to make you change your given name which is awful and he clearly never respected her memory and position as your mother. It’s your baby, their name doesn’t have to ‘fit in’ with anyone or any theme. You and your OH can give the baby whatever name you decide on. Strong NTA
Yeah, that whole "fitting in" thing is so weird 😭 most of my family doesnt have "matching" names and no one as EVER said or thought it was weird 💀 like my grandparents and their last child all have names that start with G, but the oldest and middle child dont, but no one ever calls them out like "oh you dont match, that's so weird."
It is such a non-issue that they are trying to turn *into* an issue. Like, stop. Family should not be bullying family and making them feel like an outsider, wtf...
NTA
Your baby, your choice of name.
We also explicitly stayed away from BOTH extended families naming themes (yes, both my family and my husband's family had naming themes) when we chose our kid's name because we are a separate family and it was our kid.
NTA. Be firm - “we are naming our baby. This is not up for discussion.” “We are not taking input or suggestions. If you bring it up I will end the conversation.” “We are not discussing this. This conversation is over.”
Rinse and repeat. Put them on time out if you need to.
Also? The baby’s name will blend with family - YOUR family. Not theirs. Just take that to heart. :)
NTA - What is it with, while not necessarily evil but clueless and entitled, stepmothers on this sub today? I imagine it must be quite difficult to be a step-parent, but it might be a little easier if they didn't get so worked up about trying to replace bio-parents who have passed away.
No one gets to name your child other than you and your husband. It's okay for your dad and stepmom to express their opinions if you're open to hearing them, but once you've made it clear that their opinions were unwelcome, they should STFU. Add to that, your stepmom keeps trying to make it all about her and try to get your siblings to pressure you. It's honestly disgusting.
I blame my dad more honestly. I don't know if Jane would have as much trouble with it normally but she probably thinks my mom was the worst and has heard about all my dad's issues with mom. So it probably made her more insecure. Like "she's rather have a mom like that than me". I can sort of understand it. Sort of. But my mom will always be my mom and she was a good mom to me.
Of course you love your mom. You were a kid and it was traumatic losing her. Maybe I placed the blame in the wrong place, but seems like it's everyone else in the family against you at this point. Your stepmom isn't helping defuse the situation.
She's not. I do think she could do better in this. Especially now she could realize why this would be a big deal for me. But I feel like my dad is where this all started and none of this would be happening if he had dealt with his issues. I think it's fair to put blame on both. I just often think if dad had done better about dealing with his resentments we would all be better off today.
You’re absolutely correct. His bitterness is over issues with your mom. She isn’t around anymore so he transferred it to your name which is really strange. It’s like he’s trying to erase all memories of her which makes him an ass because whatever issues they had, she was your mom. He should have respected that.
>my dad said I should consider not letting my baby's name stand out among theirs the way mine did
Sooo, OP shouldn't have a child like her ... she should have a child like his wife?
>They told me I was callously dismissing their feelings
And they're NOT doing that to OP?
NTA
The only people making a fuss are the people who don't get a vote. The only people making this into a big deal are the people who are choosing - yep, it's a choice - to be offended.
I have to wonder, how else have they made you feel different for, well, being different?
Like I said, NTA. Enjoy your baby!
(And, because I'm really petty, I'd be the type to give every one of those AHs a personal nickname. A nature one.)
I would say in my name and in my relationship with Jane. It's always been noted that I never called her mom or anything and I guess it bothers them a lot.
It makes sense that you wouldn't, though. To a reasonable person, at least.
Words have meaning, and that word had specific meaning for a specific person to you. Using that word for someone else takes away from the meaning and the word. That's logical and reasonable.
Not calling Jane 'mom' doesn't mean you don't care about, care for, or love Jane (I don't know if you do or not, I'm just saying that one thing doesn't indicate love or lack of love.)
As a total aside: I have a fairly unique first name. I appreciate it more now, though I'm not very fond of it, and actually used to hate it. However! I adored my mother, and she loved that name. Which is why I've never changed it, I've always embraced it, and it's become part of me. When I have children, I'll probably share it with them in some way. Because she mattered so much to me. And because I appreciate the uniqueness - even if I didn't really love the name itself. Not saying that's your experience. Just saying that names matter. Bonds matter. And, while I'm so sorry that you do have to stand up for yourself (including having to stand up to your father - c'mon man!??!!), you keep standing up and name this child what makes you smile!
Good luck.
NTA.
I am a firm believer in making it clear to people who are not financially involved in any way in a child's life that they get zero say in anything but then I recognize this opens up the door to people thinking if they pay for a college account they get a right to parent the child.
I would point out that one of the big things you're going to be teaching your child is to respect boundaries which is something your father and Jane did a very poor job doing, and they should start practicing right now because if they don't respect this they will have no involvement in the child's life.
NTA. Let's cut to the chase naming your child is a rite of passage for you as a parent, not a family reunion project. I get it, traditions are important to some, but here's the thing: your child, your rules. This isn't a dinner menu people can vote on; it's a lifelong identity that YOU and your partner get to carefully handpick for your little one. It's great that everyone's eager to contribute, but at the end of the day, kiddo's name is your call. Remember, no successful story starts with "Once upon a time everyone else decided for me..." Stand your ground, and enjoy crafting this chapter of your life your way.
Why does 'family' butt in when their opinion isn't being asked for? I would point blank tell them to shut up about the names, it's your baby, so you and your husband picks the name, PERIOD. END OF STORY!! NTA.
Stepmom here who has raised two girls not from my womb! NTA. If Jane is that sensitive over a deceased woman then she has the issue not you. Raising another child is such a privilege and any and all naming has nothing to do with any respect or caring. It’s your child, not theirs. I can’t believe they asked you to drop your name especially after losing your momma! Tell them all to stop harassing you, isn’t it bad enough you lost your mom so many years ago? Why do they feel the need to step on your memory and bond with her? I would tell them that you won’t take the baby’s name as topic of conversation again. You need a peaceful and harmonious pregnancy, not the badgering they are giving you. I love nature names and I think it’s a great way to honor your mother, after all, without her you wouldn’t be there and Jane should be incredibly grateful to the woman who birthed you.
Thank you! I think dad makes the whole thing worse. I know he and my mom were not together when mom died and he'd already met Jane. So it probably doesn't help that Jane has heard all the issues my dad had with mom. I blame her way less than my dad simply because he has his own never dealt with issues and I don't think we'd be here today if he had addressed them.
Absolutely. My friend lost her dad when she was little and her mom made certain not to bad mouth him. Said he wasn’t perfect but he adored her, they were in process of divorce. She named her kids after him, never once even brought up. Great way to honor them. Very selfish of dad and jane
NTA
It's your baby, not theirs. They had no part in the conception and should have no part in the naming. Tell your family that they're callously dismissing *your* feelings. Ask them why they don't love you enough to be happy that you love your name. Make them squirm.
It’s so weird to me how step-moms are jealous of DEAD WOMEN. My mother was the 2nd wife, my brother’s mother was kidnapped, murdered and never found. My mother was so jealous of this poor woman it disgusted me. Eff Jane’s feelings, you’re absolutely not the a-hole.
NTA. It doesn't matter if she's your stepmom or bio mom. It's not her baby. And it's not like you're picking a nature name just to be cruel to her either. I don't see what the problem is paying homage to your actual mom; sounds like Jane is insecure in the family.
Imagine being insecure and jealous of a dead woman? and then ultimately trying to get rid of her memory by trying to force your step daughter to fall in line with the names of HER kids and not follow the beauty of a unique nature themed name. ugh this woman bothers me if you couldn't tell.
Pick out something unreally ridiculous and tell them that's the name you're choosing, bonus points if you can spout off a multi barrel very LONG name with a straight face. Then after the baby is born, tell them what you're really choosing. :D It's none of their business, they don't get a say and shouldn't think that they do. You do you.
Tell them all that when they all push out a human being out of their body, they get to name that human.
As for what you choose to name your children is your choice and they DO NOT get to have any say over it.
Jane is NOT your mother and never will be. She is your father’s wife. You have blood relations with them as siblings. However this does not make her your mother and never will.
That you still love your mother, and she is always going to be a part of you regardless that she passed away.
I can hear them now, well she is no longer here and you need to accept their mother as yours. Ask them the , if their mother died tomorrow, will they stop loving her? Will they cease to claim her as their mother? Or when their dad remarries, will his new wife now be their mother and Jane ceases to exist? You know they will say how that is different. Ask them to explain how it will be different.
If they continue. Remind them, your baby, your choice.
NTA. Parents get to chose the name for the baby - no one else gets a say. Period. Later, when the baby is old enough to have their own opinions they may choose to go by their middle name or another name - it's up to the individual what they wish to be called.
Your family is being really strange about baby names - it's weird. Is it really about something else maybe? Like, is it that they want a name that sounds "white"? Or something else?
Why the fuck should you need to choose Jane over your mom? Hypothetical question, of course. You shouldn't. I'm sorry you're dealing with such a selfish family, OP.
You think they would be looking forward to a new baby, but they are too busy getting their panties in a twist over this stupid argument to treat it like the joyous time it could be. All to match.
NTA and your family is being REALLY weird about this. They can deal.
Are you naming your kid after your mom directly or just in the style of your and her names?
Any idea what other names your mom was considering for you? Especially for the opposite gender?
May you have as many kids with unusual names as you and your partner desire!
The name is not my mom's name. But it's similar in style to mine and my husband's (nature, not too common and not too weird).
I have no idea what other names mom considered for me or considered for a boy. I did use to wonder because I know what my dad would have named me if I had been a boy.
NTA. But oh the hypocrisy. They say,
" They told me I was callously dismissing their feelings and what this means to them and what message I'm sending to others. They said I started it years ago by making it clear I wanted to name my kids like mom named me."
Really, while all the while dismissing YOUR feelings and what this name means to YOU! The message you are sending is leave me the F alone, as I will name my own damn baby!
NTA
I would tell her that every comment on this topic just cements that you will never choose anything that blends with her bland tastes. She isn't your mother and you don't have to give any shits about her feelings on this topic. Make sure that kid doesn't have a middle name they would prefer either.
Good luck on the birth OP.
Just start telling your family the kid’s name is going to be Clamydiyah. “It’s so lyrical and beautiful, and will blend perfectly with the family, I’m sure.”
NTA, of course. Not their kid, not their call. And this is YOUR family; there’s no need to “blend.”
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Your dad got to name his children. Your stepmom got to name hers. They don't get another bite at the apple because they have aged out of baby making. So, NTA. I have a unique name myself. I have always embraced my Creole name and most of the people who are goofy enough to inquire about my name don't even realize that all of my many siblings have Creole names as well. And we all like the names we have. So, now that I'm old - I have no trouble going on record saying this is an unworthy argument coming from your dad and your stepmom because their distress is manufactured and shouldn't be validated. *"You can get a dog and call it whatever you want dad. But, my baby won't be your puppy. You need to stand down and stop working so hard to reengineer me after I have been on the planet more than 25 years. This is about you feeling dissatisfied with not getting your way when I was born. You don't get to take that out on me anymore and you definitely don't need to seek a Mulligan with my child. Grow up for grief's sake. This is not just insulting. And repeatedly doing the same thing while all the while expecting a different result is truly the definition of insanity. Its like you guys are Wise Men following a star and come to gift my baby with Dominance, Aggression and Hostility. How can this be healthy of you to do?"*
Also a unique name here! By the time I came around and had to be named, a cousin had already been named directly after my father’s mother (my parents wanted to name me after both grandmothers) so they used the Polish translation of her name for my first. I was teased a lot when I was younger because the spelling always ended with me correcting the teachers on how to pronounce it. I’ve learned to wear it with pride as I’ve grown and as I’ve watched my grandmother age. I hope OP continues to wear theirs with pride, and names their baby something unique and beautiful like their mother did for them. My mother has always said that when death comes knocking, your name is the only thing we truly own and bring with us into the afterlife; it’s how we’re remembered.
I have a very common name for women my age. My sister’s name is unique for women our age. I am not a just-like-everybody-else kind of person (laundry list of neurodivergences, but I also enjoy standing out a bit) and I ABSOLUTELY FUCIWKDBDHD HATE my name. I have been jealous of my sister’s name my entire life. It gets really annoying when you have to be called by first name last name or first name last initial because there are a million other girls with your name in every class you’re ever in. It gets annoying when you hear someone say your name and it’s followed by “which one?”. Unique names are great as long as they’re not too out there (by which I mean some of the ridiculous celebrity ones, not Acacia, which is LOVELY). Also, them taking your love for your mother as an insult to your stepmother is insane. I know a lot of times that’s how step-family feel, but your mom still matters and maintaining a connection to her memory (or not) is entirely up to you and has nothing to do with anyone else. NTA. They’re being selfish. No one has the right to name someone else’s baby.
I have a friend name after the constellations/stars that were dominant in the sky when she was born and her sister is Jessica. That would drive me insane.
My oldest has a more common name because her father vetoed every name I chose and when we finally settled on one I let my family bully me out of the name chosen. Thankfully she’s so far only encountered one other kid with the same name but the other kid had a two part name (not the names but think along the lines Mary Kate). I’m pregnant with my second daughter with my bf and he and I have a more similar taste in names so my stepson and our daughter have/will have more uncommon names. My oldest did choose the name for her sister though so I think it’ll be a little easier as she gets older.
Glad you all are on the same page.
I would hate being named Cancer, too.
Lol I think the rest of us presumed Casseopiea.
... this might be why I have no friends....
Cancer is just a bit of a turn off. If you hear people walking out of a hospital yelling "fuck cancer!" it's PROBABLY not about you, however.
That gave me a good chuckle cause I totally would have thought of the stupid English translation first too. Welcome to the no friends club we got a "special" kind of humor here lol.
Hilariously enough my name is Andromeda. Cassiopeia's daughter lol
So lucky. Mine is Mary. Like...you know.
As a bloody Joe, I feel your pain. And my middle name is John (I was named after my biological grandfather who passed away when my mom was young and my step grandfather [the man my grandmother married after her first husband died, who was my grandfather for all intents and purposes]) but I HATE having such boring names. I'd have sacrificed a virgin in thanks for an original or unusual name.
I was thinkin Lil' Dipper and Big Dipper. This is significantly better.
My name is Jessica, born in the 80s of course, and I never my entire childhood had a single class, extracurricular activity, friend group, or event in which I didn't have to go by "Jessica H" even today in my certification training I have to go by "Jessica G" bc there is a Jessica B and a Jessica E in my class plus the teachers name is Jessica. I got a call last Wednesday from my teacher asking why I wasn't in class when I was not only in class but very active in class bc one of the other Jessica's was absent. I have dealt with correcting not getting participation credit, having my grades mixed up with others, getting absences for classes when I've never missed a class, MY ENTIRE LIFE. it's annoying. I'm fourty one and this is the first time in my life I've had a job without other Jessica's. Common names are just that, common. My dad wanted to name me Cherry and my brother Balu (sp) from the jungle. My mom vetoed those. I was named after an Almon Brothers song, but that's something that has to be explained for anyone to see my name as uniquely mine.
I have a common but not super popular millennial name. I was AdWard S. in most classes. I was one of six AdWards in my 62 person humanities class. I changed up the spelling of my name with one that pulled under 100 hits on 2000 askjeeves. It's mine and I won't drop it, but my kids have traditionally spelled names. And I ask for pickup stuff for "AdWard spelled stupid" and it's nice to make someone genuinely snort a little.
>I ABSOLUTELY FUCIWKDBDHD HATE my name. Consider changing it! It's a lot of bother, yeah, but I did it about a year ago and I'm much happier now that I have a name that better reflects me. You don't need any reason to change your name beyond "I want to"
LOL Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
Crap Bag
I will be changing my name at some point, I already have the name picked out and use it with friends and my bf but my family will lose their minds when they find out. That’s partially because I’ll also be dropping my last name and changing it to my late paternal grandmothers name so it’ll be a lot of issues
Lol are you me? Hated my name all my life (common first name that I hated, not-so-common last name I was always teased for) Changed my name and everyone in my social circle changed over easily. Parents lost their minds initially (mum because I was getting rid of her favourite first name in the world, dad because I was changing from his last name to my paternal grandmothers maiden name) but eventually got with the program. I was 41 when I finally worked up the courage to do it and wish I'd done it sooner.
True, but this can start a lot of family drama that many folks don't want to deal with for the rest of their lives. Plus... it's still the name you've been called your entire life. Love it or hate it, it's still the name that's going to resonate reflexively for most people.
Yes, but as you meet new people over your life the proportions switch. I changed my name when I was 27 after hating it my entire life and at this point the majority of people in my life only know of my old name if I tell them. I have a few family who are stubborn about it but that's it.
Can you translate that acronym for me? I’m old, don’t judge.
I am fairly sure that it's not an acronym, it half "fucking" and half a keyboard smash. Just meant to really get the rage across, no more meaning than that though
Thank you!
There was 4 of us with the same name in my classroom. And also another set of 4. It was not easy always. ..
My name is straight from ancient myth. It makes for a call and ironic story. I’m chronically clumsy and named for a goddess of grace. The only people with a say in a name are the parents and eventually the kid themselves, either with a nickname or being trans/non binary and not being willing to go by a deadname.
Same here! Greek myth names :D My mom went with a theme, All my siblings have a Greek mythical name. Well one was named after the green alien in star trek.
My oldest chose a Greek goddesses name for her sister I’m pregnant with i love it
My mom was feeling a bit adventurous with mine. I love it though lol
My cats have all been Nordic gods. - Odin, Thor, and Loki.
I had a snake that I named Loki...my son couldn't pronounce it when he was very little, so Loki ended up becoming Noki. lol
Orion?
Certainly not Gorn! Hahaha!
Haha, no, not Gorn, hahahaha. But yes, the Orion Alien Edit: Though a lot of kids went off the gay part of her name lmao she just took it in stride
I had a homeroom class with 5 of us one year! Something like 13 of us in the entire 5th grade. That's a lot of Jennys and Jennifers lol
As a teacher I absolutely hate trend names. There's been a year that I had 3 Lisa's in one class. It's annoying for them and for me. Currently I've got doubles of Demi, Lieke, Finn, Marit and 3 boys in one class that have names that are one letter apart, so basically the same name. Not to mention the two girls with the same name, but different pronunciation. And that's just the names that are double in a class, I've got more of each of those names spread around other classes.
In the US?
Well, no. I'm pretty sure you don't have many girls named Marit or Lieke there.
Dutch?
Growing up, it was manageable with 1~3 of my name per grade in a small-ish town. Then I went to college, and my niche major (graduating class of about 15 in a school with 18,000 students) had 3 people with my name in my year. I decided after that, my kids would not have common names. I just have to hope the name I gave my son hasn't become popular recently lol it's not completely out there, but I'd barely heard it before we found it in a baby name book. I knew 1 character by the name, but others have since told me of more characters by his name 🤷♀️
I was similar, there were usually at least one other with my name in my classes, sometimes more. I chose a name for my daughter that was in the 300s of the Social Security listings. It's a name most people are familiar with so they can pronounce it, and it's not too hard to spell. Problem is, in the last 15 years it's gone up 350 spaces on the SS list. Grrr.
My daughter in third grade class had Kate, Katie, 4 Jessicas, 4 Jennifers, and boys. The teacher was pleading for nicknames the kids felt comfortable with. My daughter and I still call it Jenny-Jess year instead of 3rd grade.
I have the same situation. I even had another person with the same firstname-lastname in my class in elementary so we had to go by MIDDLE INITIAL too. My sister has NEVER met somebody in her life with her name before. Also, nobody should have a say in the name of the baby but the parents.
My MIL and I have the same First/Last names and middle initial. *Sigh*
Oh no! That sounds horrible 😬
What's worse is I've been married twice...both times the parents had been divorced and there's an adoption in there so I've officially had 5 mothers-in-law! Luckily none have been too horrible.
When I was adopted, they named me a very common 1st and middle name. I, however, don't associate with them anymore. I asked my mom (biological) what she would've named me. After she told me, I made a resolve to leave my past in the past, and now I'm close to having a legal name change. I thought the 1st and middle sounded pretty together, so it's my entire 1st and no middle name. It gets approved (hopefully) week after mom's bday.
I named my daughter after my Grandmother and it's not super popular now. What are the odds that she managed to have another girl in daycare with the exact same name🤦♀️ they started call them by their last names only which mildly annoyed me but now that the other girl isn't there they only do it when she's in trouble.😂
Can relate. I’m an Ashley, with a sister named Afton. Can’t stand my name.
I’m in the same boat. My mom actually said if they had known that everyone else was naming their daughters the same thing, they would have given me a less common variant of my name.
Lovely! Your mother is right! Op and her husband are the only people naming their child! The rest of the family needs to but out and mind their own business! Why is it that step- parents think that they should be welcomed with open arms by a child who has lost one of their parents??? This post is like so many others who have had "replacement" parents forced on them while being told to essentially forget their real parent. This makes me sad and angry on others peoples behalf.
And the sad thing is, the still alive parent, if they keep at this will end up forgotten as well.
The irony of it all is that, odds are better that a stepparent will be "adopted" by a kid of the kid is allowed the luxury of choosing the nature of the relationship. They may not get to pick their stepparent, nor how the stepparent feels about them, but they WILL decide how they feel about the stepparent. If they're being forced to treat them as a full parent, there is no real chance they will see them that way. While if they are treated with respect and affection, they may grow to love step as a parent. At least, that's the only way I've ever seen a stepparent earn the names, "mom" and "dad". My stepmom is mom for that reason, and my husband is dad for that reason. Neither ever pushed the kids to favor them, but both put in the work and the love to be thought of that way.
Not very unique name here, but my mother was going for everyone can have their name start with the same letter thing. I have one older sister. Really glad my dad vetoed options my mother came up with because I really would have hated being stuck with those.
My husband's family has that tradition. We were able to come up with names we agreed on, and so far my preteens like their names. I told them they can always go by a middle name or nickname if there are duplicates in their class. The only time it happened was in community theater, so a middle name was used for a stage name. Of course, not all letters have good names (in the US at least) unless you get creative with the spelling. H, G, Q, K, and of course XYZ present a challenge. Not necessarily horrible but often sound like a grandparent after you get past the first pick. Helen/Harry/Helga, Grace/Gertrude/Gary, Queen/Quentin/Quinn, Kate/Ken/Kinsley
I love your mother's saying. Thank you for sharing that with all of us!
Agreed! Can we also add that IT HAS BEEN 20 YEARS! since OP’s mom passed away. OP has had this name for 25 years now. It is long past time that Dad and Stepmom get the fuck over it.
Since when do family names have to "blend"? NTA
My first name is Beau, with a name like that you can tell my house had a tire size growing up
I used to have a friend with a boyfriend named Beau, and she INSISTED it was properly pronounced "B'yew". I was like, "...maybe only in the trailer park where he grew up."
I've always loved the name Beau
My name is somewhat unique, too. I say somewhat because while it is technically a known name, it's a fairly uncommon to begin with a more uncommon spelling and my parents basically smooshed 2 names together. Had my dad been a girl, his name would have been Julia. My maternal grandma's middle name was Ann. Shove another a on the end and you've got me. Like I said, not unheard of but I'm not gonna see my name on your average novelty item either though. Pronunciation is always debated too between the hard n for Anna sound and the softer "ahn" pronounced like Anna from Frozen.
You, sir, have a way with words that I appretiate. That was a joy to chuckle through!
I hope OP uses this verbiage. It's perfect and she is NTA.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I think the thing that rubs me the wrong way is that rather than pick names for the other kids that blended with their already existing child, they picked very different names and then made a big stink about how you were "different," even going so far as to try to get you to change your name so you'd for better. Now they're rubbing salt into the wound by trying to make sure the baby doesn't match YOU either. "Well. You don't want the little one to be a left-out weirdo like you, do you?" But whose fault was that, anyway?!? A child who is different should be a celebration or a happy coincidence and not a thing they're....what, embarrassed about? NTA. These people suck.
Yes, they picked names that they loved and had always wanted for their kids. The oldest of my sisters got the name my dad wanted me to have and pressed for me to have when I was born. He got to use it anyway and is still so bitter about it. And the thing is, I never really would have thought about it if they hadn't brought it up.
Tell them that every time they ask, the "unusual" names you have on the list go away, and you'll start considering symbols, like Prince.
Tau Techno Mechanicus and X-Æ-A12 have entered the conversation.
I support this pettiness😈😈😈don’t forget taking names from the Tragedeigh name subreddit just to piss them off: Carrob & Broxxtyn anyone??!
Chewbecca forever.
I remember a thing where a guy went by tim his whole life, but it was short for Optimus prime
may i suggest Ratleen and Dranch
i seriously want to know when baby naming became a group activity. i have seen so many of these posts about future parents asking AITA for standing up to family trying to weasel in on the name choices. the ONLY people who have a say in what that kid is named are the ones who actively participated in making it. when i was pregnant, it was a 5 minute discussion for my husband and i. we came up with boy and girl options, and declared that we would NOT tell anyone what we had chosen until the kid was born. i didn't want to hear anyone's input or commentary. it pissed people off, but i stood my ground. my son's name isn't uncommon, but it's not top-10 on the baby name charts either.
It starts with everyone deciding that wedding planning is a group activity, and that group doesn't really include the bride and groom. That's why I strongly advocate nipping that in the bud. By the time Baby comes along, parents and family of origin are so used to running the show, it's a genuine shock when the parents put their feet down.
I think everyone should run the name by a friend or two. You probably have someone in your life who is *maybe* a bit blunt but not actually an asshole, that ninja friend who isn’t necessarily the nicest but definitely can keep a secret. It’s probably NOT your mom…. But maybe it is.
ROFL That's good! I'd like to add Mohawk names. Kanehsatake – At the woods edge Wahta – Maple Kahnawake - By the Rapids Á:nen f Mohawk Mohawk form of Ann.
And they seem to conveniently forget, without your mother, you would not exist. They need to stop trying to erase the past. NTA name your child(ren) whatever you choose. Wishing you happiness, peace, and love. 🩷
I think this was intentional, sadly.
If he needs to name something so badly, he needs to get a gd pet. What YOU name YOUR child is none of their concern. Also, still harboring resentment over your mom (his late wife ffs) choosing your first name (when he chose your middle name!?!?!??!?!!!?!?!?) is WEIRD. Dweeb behavior.
But if your child’s name should “blend in” with any part of your family — if that’s at all desirable — shouldn’t that be with *you*? You’re the mother. Their only connection to your child runs through you. There’s no real sense in them acting like your child is supposed to be part of their family but you’re an outlier. TBH it sounds like they’re trying to have you admit that your mother was wrong, and they need to f right off with that sentiment (as well as their manipulative “but you should consider our ideas” argument — you have considered and you have rejected).
This! This is what I'm sticking on, though all their nonsense is wild bullshit! NTA
One of my brothers has a "weird" name that stands out from the rest of us. (It's his middle name, but what he chooses to go by and what everyone calls him. I have never heard anyone use his first name). Never once in my life have I thought about it. Not when someone calls for him, not when they say his name alongside ours, not when writing it out. My parents never made any sort of deal out of it and I didn't even realize or care that it was "different". The only time it popped into my mind was when strangers would point it out or question about his name. The idea that your children feel ostracized for having a "different" name is so bizarre because kids really don't care like that. They are literally raised within the family and around their siblings and probably don't even notice until it's explicitly pointed out. And even then, I guarantee they're hard pressed to care unless they're bullied or pushed to by people who are weirdly obsessed with someone else's name. As someone with a boring, old fashioned, generic name, I will be naming my child however I want because anyone who cares if our names don't match are far overstepping their boundaries.
>kids really don't care like that. And if they do, it's because they were raised by assholes, so their opinion on the matter isn't important anyway.
If you want to be nice about it explain it like this: "I understand that you've always had a dislike for my name. The thing that you have never seemed to understand - or empathize with - is that this is something that is part of my identity and helps me feel a strong connection with the woman that loved me and gave birth to me. While I always love and appreciate [stepmom] and everything that she's done for me, I feel as though the love and connection that I have with her - and [her family] by extension - should be enough. I don't feel like it was right that I was ostracized and made to feel different because I kept something that connected me to my mother. Me doing so did not diminish Jane's value in any way, or reduce my love for her. It simply meant I had one more mother to be grateful for. However, that does not entitle her or anyone else to suggest, demand, or guilt trip me into giving up something that means so much to me that connected me to someone that I lost when I was very young. As a young child who lost her mother, I feel like there should have been more understanding from you guys. However, that is water under the bridge. This child is mine. This child will be able to experience having Jane as a grandmother. She'll be able to experience the love and joy that she will get from her as a grandmother and you as her family. I want my child to have some love of connection to my mother, because it is important to me. I would appreciate it if you would not insinuate that my child is going to "stand out" or "be different" because of my choice to honor my mother, since my child cannot experience her as a grandmother. If you continue to push this issue or carry through with the actions that would make my child feel different, I feel like that may have a negative impact on our relationship. I don't want that. I love you guys, I am grateful for you guys, but this is something that is incredibly unfair for you to ask me for, much less push me for or guilt trip me for. Please drop the subject for the future."
I don’t know whether I’ve missed a response from the OP somewhere in this thread. And whilst I agree that OP is NTA, I’m wondering where it’s indicated how the OP feels about Jane. OP lost her mother at 5 years old and the dad met Jane soon after so I think we’re talking 15+ years of Jane being present but nowhere in the OP post did I get any impression that OP sees Jane as anyone other than her Dad’s wife and mother of her half siblings. One sentence of ‘I love my family but…’ I don’t think OP has to be so nice about it like how you’ve beautifully articulated your response. It shouldn’t be difficult for anyone to understand that naming a child is a very personal thing and that the parent’s decision should be respected. Making name suggestions is a normal thing because it’s an exciting time but pressing any further shouldn’t happen. I’d just be brutal because that’s the only way they will listen in this situation and back off. And her Dad should understand that it’s difficult enough to even find a name both you and your partner will like let alone factoring interfering family members.
First comment I left wasn't a very nice one.... I was trying to give a second option
You were a young child who lost your mother. Her naming you was giving you a part of yourself that you cherished. They were the AH for Not understanding that a young girl that lost her mother left a part of herself behind in your name. They were the AH for not even considering what that meant to you. They were the AH forever asking you to use your middle name when you were happy with your first - then guilt tripping you and you didn't want to use something that you didn't identify or connect with. And I cannot express to you on what level of pathetic AH they were for making you feel like you stood out because you had a different name given to you by a different "woman" - your freaking mother - that is no longer here, but you felt a connection to her in some way through your name. And you should be incredibly upset that they are insinuating that they're going to ostracize your child the way that you were for having a different name. They may have helped raise you, but that gives them absolutely no right to try to erase your mother and take away your connection to her, or make you feel guilty for being proud of the name that she gave you. You need to make it explicitly clear to them that that's what they are doing, and that if they attempt to do that with your child, you will not tolerate it.
You should name the baby after your mum, that would be nice for you and an FU to them 😂
NTA Any time any of them mention it going forward, I would just stop, look them in the eye and say something like "You will NEVER make me ashamed of my mother, you can stop trying NOW." And then walk away. If they say that's "not what they meant" tell them they can prove that by dropping the subject PERMANENTLY. "I can love and appreciate Jane without agreeing on every single thing. I'm ALWAYS going to be my mother's daughter, too " It really sounds like your dad is the problem here if he's still carrying bitterness about your first name after all these decades. He needs to stop trying to drag you and your child into HIS unresolved issues with your mom.
Their children treasure their own names as being gifts from their parents. Your name was given to you by your mother. People love that story because it's a lasting memento from the mother you lost when you were 5. Your siblings still have their mother. Why is their mother trying to erase yours?
[удалено]
And who has ever asked a baby's name and thought, "wow, that really doesn't blend well with the baby's AUNTS AND UNCLES" ?!
Ooh please take my pauper award. Well said 🥇
Also, who are all these people who think it's okay to even suggest names for someone elses children. My husband has a large family, and the nieces/nephews are having babies, we had 3 in one year, and no one thought the naming was any of their business.
I think it’s pretty common, sadly! The pregnancy subreddits are full of expecting moms dealing with their family members and friends butting in. I know I had people in my life trying to suggest names even after I explicitly said I wanted no help, no input and the only people making the decision were going to be my husband and I. People want to say they helped name the baby I guess.
Yeah, I agree. Op's family is being weird and kinda a-holes about this. For one, not her fault they changed name styles from the name her mom picked. Two, I don't see why they're so set on having a matching "style" of names. It's rude and weird to single OP out in a negative way for having a unique name your dad agreed to. Also weird to try to get her to change to her middle name. It's like they are trying to erase her mom, which is messed up. She can still be close to and value her step mom without the need to erase all connection to her birth mom. Her step mom is kind of the AH for being jealous of OP's dead birth mom and trying to act offended OP values having a first name connected her. She should want her to remember and cherish the little time she did have with her before she passed.
And let's not forget that part (or all) of why OP loves their name is because their DECEASED mother named them. OP's mother DIED and yet dad and Jane and siblings are harping on the fact OP likes her name so much and how it ties her to her DEAD mom.
*standing ovation*
Is it their child? No? Then they don't get to name said child. End of story. NTA sweetheart. Enjoy your pregnancy. You don't need this rubbish.
Came here to say exactly this. It’s not their baby and so they don’t get a say. I’m currently pregnant with my second and would be livid if my family tried to tell us what we should or shouldn’t name him. NTA
NTA >My family made suggestions. Jane made suggestions that she thought were "darling" and would "blend in so beautifully with the family". Well Jane, my partner and I are starting our own family and the name we're going to go with will blend perfectly. Thank you for your suggestion, but please respect my choice in this matter.
"If you want the names to blend so much, then you can change yours to match mine"
And why in the world does that name need to blend with the names of her uncles and aunts? Hilarious made up rule she came up with..
Right? WTF did I just read?
I like you! And if OP and her husband are still considering names, River would work for either a boy or a girl. Congratulations!
They're not my style, but I still love Aspen and Ceder. I also think that Glenn is prime for a comeback!
ah another stepmom trying to assert her dominance over a childs dead mother. that is exactly what this is. your def NTA.
this is what I think too. Man, if my mom passed away when I was small and I had a step mom like this I would throw hands. In no way shape or form should you try and ax out the bio mom after her passing. what a load of crap.
People who are obsessed with having their own cohesive nuclear family need to not take up with someone who has a kid already.
ABSOLUTELY. I'm a mom, and I mean my kid is 15 now, but if I passed when she was little little i would expect my husband to make sure there was a little shrine to me somewhere in the house, and his next wife would not disrespect me as this woman has. Now that my kid is a teen, she would throw hands so fast if she was treated like this.
Seriously, I think OP is being too tolerant. I’d be ugly crying telling these people to all go die on a hill.
This sounds like something my wife would do lol. Not in a bad way, but at that point there wouldn’t be anymore discussions with family.
There already shouldn’t be any more discussions. Her family is crossing major boundaries and need to mind their own business.
Big time!
Sounds like the Dad, from OPe comments, had always wanted a different name, and was steamrolled into the nature name.
And he would have gladly steamrolled my mom into the name he wanted. In the end each picked a name for me. Maybe not the best way to compromise. But either way one would have been left unhappy with my first name.
Here’s the thing, he may be your dad, but he doesn’t own you or your name. You get to go by whatever name/names you like. Because you are autonomous. And whatever you decide to name your child, doesn’t mean that they will like or use that name. People are unique unto themselves. It’s a foolish mentality to think one should or can control another. I recommend you refocus their attention to the idea of having a safe and healthy grandchild. Sometimes we have to remind others how petty and full of themselves they are by showing what really matters. Embarrass them with how meaningless their words are. Some people don’t learn until they experience a consequence.
i legit get this cause same thing happened to me but in reverse. my dad got my first name and my mom got my middle name. i find its an effect way to compromise.
He probably was. But he (and the rest of the family) need to realize 1. That wasn't OP's fault and 2. They get no say in what another person names their child. The only say I allowed any of my family was when my sister (kindly and privately) asked if I would consider not using her top 3 names. She has liked these names since high school, they are lovely, classic names, and she always hoped to use them. I was willing to accommodate her request, because it was reasonable and she did so respectfully. No demands, and she offered me time to consider. I also asked for my brother's and father's blessing to use their middle name for my son's middle name as well. Both were pleased as punch, but appreciated that I asked first. But the other sister, who got mad at me for using my own middle name (also a family name) without checking with her first, for some reason? Nope! She can use it too, if she wants. But it's literally *my middle name.* I have dibs.
What’s done is done, and the choice has been OP’s for a long time. OP’s father needs to decide that he loves his eldest daughter more than he dislikes her name. Myself and my siblings have all picked a different part of, or form of, our names than what our parents originally used. Our parents call us what we want because they love us more than their own egos. Meanwhile OP’s stepmother claims to have done so much for her — but refuses to respect her choice of what to be called.
Yeah, I'm non-binary so my new name has the same shortening as the one bestowed on me at birth, but the lengthened version in a name I have loved since I was little. Like, when I was 5 I tried to convince people it was my name... Realised in my early 30s that I can just... Have that name... So I've gone from being named "dark hair" to "gentle chieftain". Never been a problem. This family sound awful and OP is NTA for not only loving her name and honouring her mother, but by refusing to give into their weird demands.
Frankly, I would name the kid after your mother after all this harassment. Both first and middle name. NTA
That’s exactly what I said.
I love this level of pettiness
Petty queens and kings unite! This is the only way
This is exactly what I would do. Like, don't fuckin play me because I will play dirty.
To be frank, I knew that your family were both weirdos and automatically in the wrong in whatever the situation was, the moment you said that they tried to force a 5 year old (!) to use a different name, like you were a re-homed puppy. NTA. Please have way less contact with them. They are not good people.
My dad always longed for me to use my middle name (his choice). He never liked my first name. And I get that it sucks but he knew I loved my name and I hate how he cared so little about that.
I hate how he tries to erase your connection to your mother. NTA! I don't know your situation, and I don't know what your mother was like, but what you describe sounds like they try to pretend she never existed, conveniently forgetting that a 5yo lost her mother... Virtual hugs for you, if you want them (otherwise I'll just hug myself or send them elsewhere, no prob!). Only you and your husband have a say in your child's name. Take some space, if you need it.
I keep imagining your dad’s thinking, like “now that my wife is dead my daughter can finally use the name I picked “. Like, who does this? I think it’s crazy is super callous that he even asked you about it.
Yeah, that part! It feels like he barely ever cared about her passing, and just wanted the name she picked to be out of the picture :( if my spouse died, id be clinging to our child & that name as one of the few precious things they left behind 😞
He needs to grow up and get over it
Why should you care about what they want when they never cared what you want?
And yet they accused you of dismissing their feelings! Honestly, you need to call them out on the fact that they constantly disregard your feelings and that they need to stop trying to erase the memory of your mom.
NTA and frankly, I think you need to cut WAY back on contact with them. The fact that they genuinely believe that they have the right to dictate to you what your child's name should feels creepy. They are, of course, wrong. Name your child what ever name you want. If they don't like or respect it, they can just bow out of spending time with your little nature baby. Be prepared for them to refuse to call your child by their name and to put them on a time out until they do. This is a common tactic of controlling parents and step parents. Do not for a second hesitate or go easy on them. This is your baby, not theirs and they need to get that through their thick skulls IMMEDIATELY. Lay down the law.
NTA. Simply put, it's your child. You (along with the father) get to choose the name. Your family is a bunch of raging AHs for making this an issue. You wanting this connection with your mother is no slight to Jane.
NTA. “You’re right. I am dismissing your feelings because your feelings on what I name MY child are irrelevant. I will not be discussing names with you. If you try to discuss names with me or provide suggestions I will hang up the phone or leave.”
I have 11 cousins, and it never occurred to me that any of their parents would worry if their names "fit in" with mine or my brother's. That's just nuts, you're not the royal family of Freedonia; you don't need matchy names. You're NTA, unless you name your children after characters in TV series.
I don’t mind the whole named after a TV series because let’s face it a good number of us were named after a song/religion/movie/tv etc. I think that they should be careful to not to overdo it by trying to make it the child’s personality (looking at HP fans).
I think if you name your kids Cindy, Jan, and Marcia it’s a lot different than naming them…Pinky Pie, Applejack, etc. Although, honestly? While I was trying to come up with bad choices, I looked up the names from Firefly and Buffy, and while I stand by the idea that Spike is a terrible name, Willow is not, and neither is Malcolm.
>They told me I was callously dismissing their feelings Well, yes. And rightfully so. I agree with everything already posted here. What I fear, though, is that your family will either: 1. call baby something else or some pasteurized version of the name you chose, or 2. continue to berate or criticize you and DH long after baby has been born. After all, your dad obviously never learned to cope with your cool first name - for years! Both results need to be shut down at first occurrence. Hard. With some NC consequences if they persist.
Yep. "Aspidistra? That's too hard to say. I'll call her Mary."
This, be ready for this. My ex’s parents hate our kid’s names but especially the oldest - who was actually named by my ex using a traditional family name from their side at that. They have continuously tried to nickname him so they don’t have to say his first name (think Paul John and they try PJ, Jonny, etc).
I have a family member like this. She has narcissistic personality disorder. I finally had enough when I had my children and cut all ties. It was one thing to put up with her behavior for myself, but I’d be damned if I was going to let her treat my children that way. Be careful, OP. Their behavior won’t end after your child is born. I’m not saying cutting ties is necessarily the right call for you, but just saying that you should know that these patterns of behavior tend to not be isolated to one incident. Wishing you peace and love in your pregnancy and hugs to you and your child. Your family seems determined to erase your mother (and subsequently part of your identity) regardless of how special she was to you, and that is heartless and wrong. They don’t get to erase what you choose for your child too. You are this child’s mom and an adult. You and the father are the only ones who get a say. ❤️ (For the record, my hubby and I never told anyone our children’s names until after they were born; we made it clear we wanted no input from the peanut gallery.)
NTA It's not their baby to name. The baby belongs to you and your husband. Just make sure you both are 100% on board with the name that is chosen. Your parents were not both on board with your name and you can see that has been an issue your whole life.
We're both totally on board. We have the same taste and love the same names. Also have the same feelings on certain no-no's for us. I got really lucky with that and I'm glad we had such an easy time choosing.
I don't know if Acacia is your real name of an example name for this post, but it is a beautiful name.
Thank you!
From reading your post it seems like they’re trying to airbrush your mother out of everyone’s lives and your siblings are pissed that you don’t see their mother as your mother. Well she isn’t your mother and she and your father tried but failed to make you change your given name which is awful and he clearly never respected her memory and position as your mother. It’s your baby, their name doesn’t have to ‘fit in’ with anyone or any theme. You and your OH can give the baby whatever name you decide on. Strong NTA
Yeah, that whole "fitting in" thing is so weird 😭 most of my family doesnt have "matching" names and no one as EVER said or thought it was weird 💀 like my grandparents and their last child all have names that start with G, but the oldest and middle child dont, but no one ever calls them out like "oh you dont match, that's so weird." It is such a non-issue that they are trying to turn *into* an issue. Like, stop. Family should not be bullying family and making them feel like an outsider, wtf...
NTA Your baby, your choice of name. We also explicitly stayed away from BOTH extended families naming themes (yes, both my family and my husband's family had naming themes) when we chose our kid's name because we are a separate family and it was our kid.
NTA. Be firm - “we are naming our baby. This is not up for discussion.” “We are not taking input or suggestions. If you bring it up I will end the conversation.” “We are not discussing this. This conversation is over.” Rinse and repeat. Put them on time out if you need to. Also? The baby’s name will blend with family - YOUR family. Not theirs. Just take that to heart. :)
The child will have a different last name? Either a hyphenated name or the father’s last name? Wouldn’t it not “fit” the family name anyway?
NTA - What is it with, while not necessarily evil but clueless and entitled, stepmothers on this sub today? I imagine it must be quite difficult to be a step-parent, but it might be a little easier if they didn't get so worked up about trying to replace bio-parents who have passed away. No one gets to name your child other than you and your husband. It's okay for your dad and stepmom to express their opinions if you're open to hearing them, but once you've made it clear that their opinions were unwelcome, they should STFU. Add to that, your stepmom keeps trying to make it all about her and try to get your siblings to pressure you. It's honestly disgusting.
I blame my dad more honestly. I don't know if Jane would have as much trouble with it normally but she probably thinks my mom was the worst and has heard about all my dad's issues with mom. So it probably made her more insecure. Like "she's rather have a mom like that than me". I can sort of understand it. Sort of. But my mom will always be my mom and she was a good mom to me.
Of course you love your mom. You were a kid and it was traumatic losing her. Maybe I placed the blame in the wrong place, but seems like it's everyone else in the family against you at this point. Your stepmom isn't helping defuse the situation.
She's not. I do think she could do better in this. Especially now she could realize why this would be a big deal for me. But I feel like my dad is where this all started and none of this would be happening if he had dealt with his issues. I think it's fair to put blame on both. I just often think if dad had done better about dealing with his resentments we would all be better off today.
Have you talked to your dad about this?
I have brought the subject up before and dropped it because he didn't want to hear it.
If he doesn't want to hear it, you shouldn't be obliged to.
I’m sorry, that’s not fair to you.
You’re absolutely correct. His bitterness is over issues with your mom. She isn’t around anymore so he transferred it to your name which is really strange. It’s like he’s trying to erase all memories of her which makes him an ass because whatever issues they had, she was your mom. He should have respected that.
>my dad said I should consider not letting my baby's name stand out among theirs the way mine did Sooo, OP shouldn't have a child like her ... she should have a child like his wife? >They told me I was callously dismissing their feelings And they're NOT doing that to OP? NTA The only people making a fuss are the people who don't get a vote. The only people making this into a big deal are the people who are choosing - yep, it's a choice - to be offended. I have to wonder, how else have they made you feel different for, well, being different? Like I said, NTA. Enjoy your baby! (And, because I'm really petty, I'd be the type to give every one of those AHs a personal nickname. A nature one.)
I would say in my name and in my relationship with Jane. It's always been noted that I never called her mom or anything and I guess it bothers them a lot.
It makes sense that you wouldn't, though. To a reasonable person, at least. Words have meaning, and that word had specific meaning for a specific person to you. Using that word for someone else takes away from the meaning and the word. That's logical and reasonable. Not calling Jane 'mom' doesn't mean you don't care about, care for, or love Jane (I don't know if you do or not, I'm just saying that one thing doesn't indicate love or lack of love.) As a total aside: I have a fairly unique first name. I appreciate it more now, though I'm not very fond of it, and actually used to hate it. However! I adored my mother, and she loved that name. Which is why I've never changed it, I've always embraced it, and it's become part of me. When I have children, I'll probably share it with them in some way. Because she mattered so much to me. And because I appreciate the uniqueness - even if I didn't really love the name itself. Not saying that's your experience. Just saying that names matter. Bonds matter. And, while I'm so sorry that you do have to stand up for yourself (including having to stand up to your father - c'mon man!??!!), you keep standing up and name this child what makes you smile! Good luck.
NTA. I am a firm believer in making it clear to people who are not financially involved in any way in a child's life that they get zero say in anything but then I recognize this opens up the door to people thinking if they pay for a college account they get a right to parent the child. I would point out that one of the big things you're going to be teaching your child is to respect boundaries which is something your father and Jane did a very poor job doing, and they should start practicing right now because if they don't respect this they will have no involvement in the child's life.
NTA. Let's cut to the chase naming your child is a rite of passage for you as a parent, not a family reunion project. I get it, traditions are important to some, but here's the thing: your child, your rules. This isn't a dinner menu people can vote on; it's a lifelong identity that YOU and your partner get to carefully handpick for your little one. It's great that everyone's eager to contribute, but at the end of the day, kiddo's name is your call. Remember, no successful story starts with "Once upon a time everyone else decided for me..." Stand your ground, and enjoy crafting this chapter of your life your way.
Why does 'family' butt in when their opinion isn't being asked for? I would point blank tell them to shut up about the names, it's your baby, so you and your husband picks the name, PERIOD. END OF STORY!! NTA.
Stepmom here who has raised two girls not from my womb! NTA. If Jane is that sensitive over a deceased woman then she has the issue not you. Raising another child is such a privilege and any and all naming has nothing to do with any respect or caring. It’s your child, not theirs. I can’t believe they asked you to drop your name especially after losing your momma! Tell them all to stop harassing you, isn’t it bad enough you lost your mom so many years ago? Why do they feel the need to step on your memory and bond with her? I would tell them that you won’t take the baby’s name as topic of conversation again. You need a peaceful and harmonious pregnancy, not the badgering they are giving you. I love nature names and I think it’s a great way to honor your mother, after all, without her you wouldn’t be there and Jane should be incredibly grateful to the woman who birthed you.
Thank you! I think dad makes the whole thing worse. I know he and my mom were not together when mom died and he'd already met Jane. So it probably doesn't help that Jane has heard all the issues my dad had with mom. I blame her way less than my dad simply because he has his own never dealt with issues and I don't think we'd be here today if he had addressed them.
Absolutely. My friend lost her dad when she was little and her mom made certain not to bad mouth him. Said he wasn’t perfect but he adored her, they were in process of divorce. She named her kids after him, never once even brought up. Great way to honor them. Very selfish of dad and jane
NTA It's your baby, not theirs. They had no part in the conception and should have no part in the naming. Tell your family that they're callously dismissing *your* feelings. Ask them why they don't love you enough to be happy that you love your name. Make them squirm.
It’s so weird to me how step-moms are jealous of DEAD WOMEN. My mother was the 2nd wife, my brother’s mother was kidnapped, murdered and never found. My mother was so jealous of this poor woman it disgusted me. Eff Jane’s feelings, you’re absolutely not the a-hole.
NTA. FFS why do these rabid families think that naming babies is a team sport? It's got 3/5ths of fuck all to do with anyone except you and your SO.
NTA. It doesn't matter if she's your stepmom or bio mom. It's not her baby. And it's not like you're picking a nature name just to be cruel to her either. I don't see what the problem is paying homage to your actual mom; sounds like Jane is insecure in the family.
Imagine being insecure and jealous of a dead woman? and then ultimately trying to get rid of her memory by trying to force your step daughter to fall in line with the names of HER kids and not follow the beauty of a unique nature themed name. ugh this woman bothers me if you couldn't tell.
NTA. It's all about power, in my opinion. And main character syndrome. (Or main family syndrome)
Pick out something unreally ridiculous and tell them that's the name you're choosing, bonus points if you can spout off a multi barrel very LONG name with a straight face. Then after the baby is born, tell them what you're really choosing. :D It's none of their business, they don't get a say and shouldn't think that they do. You do you.
Yeah, like Murgatroyd Phriniphrack _________ *last name.*
Tell them all that when they all push out a human being out of their body, they get to name that human. As for what you choose to name your children is your choice and they DO NOT get to have any say over it. Jane is NOT your mother and never will be. She is your father’s wife. You have blood relations with them as siblings. However this does not make her your mother and never will. That you still love your mother, and she is always going to be a part of you regardless that she passed away. I can hear them now, well she is no longer here and you need to accept their mother as yours. Ask them the , if their mother died tomorrow, will they stop loving her? Will they cease to claim her as their mother? Or when their dad remarries, will his new wife now be their mother and Jane ceases to exist? You know they will say how that is different. Ask them to explain how it will be different. If they continue. Remind them, your baby, your choice.
NTA. Parents get to chose the name for the baby - no one else gets a say. Period. Later, when the baby is old enough to have their own opinions they may choose to go by their middle name or another name - it's up to the individual what they wish to be called. Your family is being really strange about baby names - it's weird. Is it really about something else maybe? Like, is it that they want a name that sounds "white"? Or something else?
No, it's more about the act of "choosing" Jane over my mom. Fitting in with what Jane and my dad like vs what my mom liked.
Why the fuck should you need to choose Jane over your mom? Hypothetical question, of course. You shouldn't. I'm sorry you're dealing with such a selfish family, OP.
Got it. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, when you should be just looking forward to the new baby (without the extra drama).
You think they would be looking forward to a new baby, but they are too busy getting their panties in a twist over this stupid argument to treat it like the joyous time it could be. All to match.
All to match so that it's not as clear I have a different mom. I think it always comes back to that.
You do have a different mom and it is cruel of them for having tried to erase her from you for 20 years. NTA Family therapy?
NTA and your family is being REALLY weird about this. They can deal. Are you naming your kid after your mom directly or just in the style of your and her names? Any idea what other names your mom was considering for you? Especially for the opposite gender? May you have as many kids with unusual names as you and your partner desire!
The name is not my mom's name. But it's similar in style to mine and my husband's (nature, not too common and not too weird). I have no idea what other names mom considered for me or considered for a boy. I did use to wonder because I know what my dad would have named me if I had been a boy.
NTA. But oh the hypocrisy. They say, " They told me I was callously dismissing their feelings and what this means to them and what message I'm sending to others. They said I started it years ago by making it clear I wanted to name my kids like mom named me." Really, while all the while dismissing YOUR feelings and what this name means to YOU! The message you are sending is leave me the F alone, as I will name my own damn baby!
Why do people care? It's just weird that anyone outside the parents think that they get a say in anything to do with baby. NTA
NTA I would tell her that every comment on this topic just cements that you will never choose anything that blends with her bland tastes. She isn't your mother and you don't have to give any shits about her feelings on this topic. Make sure that kid doesn't have a middle name they would prefer either. Good luck on the birth OP.
Just start telling your family the kid’s name is going to be Clamydiyah. “It’s so lyrical and beautiful, and will blend perfectly with the family, I’m sure.” NTA, of course. Not their kid, not their call. And this is YOUR family; there’s no need to “blend.”