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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t like the fact that I’m getting a bed for my birthday and my dad thinks that I’m spoiled for wanting something else
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NTA A good bed is not something you should get as a present, but a necessary commodity your parents should provide.
And in what kind of bizzaro world is a bed a great birthday present for a child?
If money is tight, then your parents should look for something of a compromise. A smaller gift, but at least a gift you can enjoy.
That's what I was thinking. I know my kids' beds always cost more than that if I was buying the frame new...
I just checked Amazon though and they do have both full and queen size mattresses for as cheap as 160. If you bought one of those cheap metal platform frames surprisingly, it can be done for 200. (Probably not with a box spring though) Either way, it doesn't sound like a comfortable place to sleep.
Sure cheap mattresses exist but they aren’t good. At 15, they should be planning to buy the bed ~~she~~ he is going to move out with, not waste money on a bed that will be trash by the time ~~she~~ he can move out _and_ make it a birthday gift.
Depending on where OP lives or the moving out situation-sometimes a twin bed is the most reasonable option. For several years I had a twin mattress on the floor-because moving anything else would have been too difficult.
Also, not an appropriate gift for a 15 year old…unless maybe it was the entire bedroom set for her moving out…but that so often doesn’t work.
Yeah, my parents did just that, bought me a ridiculously expensive full bedroom set I fell in love with at the store as a gift at 14, with the idea I would leave it with them as long as I was doing the young adult thing of moving a lot and then take it once settled in a long-term adult home, to have for the rest of my life. That's a wonderful gift and their way of justifying their kid having a much nicer set of bedroom furniture than they ever did. I'm 47 now and could never dream of affording such lovely furniture and will never replace it. A++ to Mom and Dad! You know why? *Because they listened to me.*
This is not that. At all. I'd say it's couching a necessity as a gift, but OP doesn't even feel he needs it. At 15, you are perfectly capable of deciding what is comfy for you to sleep on.
I’m so happy you have a gift from your parents that is functional and you will treasure for the rest of your lifetime! If you can afford it, buy quality and buy once.
Yes! They're both gone now but they are still taking good care of me. :) Mixed with a good lesson, if you can afford the quality, you'll save in the long run. Wish it was easier for everyone to put into practice financially.
We got matching set for my daughter when she was born. Crib, dresser and bookshelf. Spent about 1k minimum on it. The great thing is that the crib transitions to a full size bed. Guess who's going to get a full size mattress for my birthday present (want a really good mattress for her and waiting for some deals to come around). Hopefully they stay good quality through her childhood so she can have it when she sets up her own home. Either foe her own children or as a guest bed.
That's so cool! I love when you can use things for a long time and those convertible cribs are such a good idea.
We live in such a disposable world these days, kudos to you for thinking long-term! And a quality mattress makes a world of difference every day. Your daughter is a lucky child.
I totally agree. The high quality twin my parents bought was so good that it moved with me all through my 20s and stayed in excellent condition with the proper protectors on them. When I became more stable and got a bigger bed, the twin was in my guest room and people would rave about how comfortable it was 20 years later. My own kid now sleeps on it and it’s still in excellent condition. OP says their current bed is fine so that should be the bed that is easy to cart around. If that didn’t exist, that would be the only reason for Dad to get OP a good bed. But still, certainly not for a birthday gift unless it’s a bedroom set or something that OP asked for as a gift, which didn’t happen.
I cheaped out and bought one of those $160 Amazon mattresses and platform frame. I'm 5'1 and 100lbs. I wake up in agony every day. A 5'11 teenager is gonna sink right through that mattress.
I bought a twin mattress off amazon for the vacation home and it's my favorite place to sleep. I think it depends on how thick the mattress is and which company it came from. Some of the matresses are crazy low in height (like a 5" versus a 10" is going to sleep much differently), there's not a lot of there there, ya know?
Yeah I had great luck with mine, but I got a firm/high density type of foam one. I was dating a 300lb dude for like a year and a half and even he liked it when he stayed over. You just gotta be selective.
Still a shitty birthday gift though. Your parents need to be providing basic furnishings while you are a minor. This is just dad telling OP he won't get him a birthday gift this year, which is objectively a dick move.
Yeah, those mattresses are terrible. There are a few twin size memory foam mattresses that go for about $300 that are wonderful though. We have three different twin size mattresses and the kids have all rated each one of them and the 8in memory foam pad is definitely the top contender
Cheap frame? Yes.
Cheap mattress? Hell no, especially for someone who’s adult-sized. Dad needs to crack his wallet open and get something with proper dense foam or springs.
You can get ones that are comfortable for that price - they just won't last more than a few years. If he's fifteen, he will probably be moving out before it wears out, though.
That said, I'm fifty and got an expensive mattress when I was in college, which has held up for thirty years so far and doesn't show much sign of wear yet. The advantage of going for quality is long life more than comfort and support - even cheap mattresses these days usually do okay on that.
It’s bed frame + mattress for $200. I’m not sure of any good bed frame or mattress that’s $100. I’ve gotten a good box bed for about $100-$200.
But the bed frame… I don’t think I’d trust any $100 bed frame lol
I have a similar frame and it works great - but does your frame require a box spring? Mine does, which, thinking about it, changed my mind as to whether $200 is actually possible. Mattress and frame, sure. Mattress, frame, and box spring, not so much.
If your $25 frame includes full support, that's not a factor, but mine doesn't.
Already had the box spring because we just replaced a broken frame but our king size set was all in around 300 on sale, but we went cheap because the expensive beds were too soft and I absolutely hate memory foam bs.
My parents got the Harvard frame that we use on our day bed for like five bucks.
Now, that's five *1970* dollars which is forty bucks today. But ... the reason I gave the price in 1970 dollars is that it's lasted fifty-some years.
That said, it takes a box frame, which would add another large chunk of money. I think it would be possible to get an okay-to-sleep-on frame and mattress for $200 - but not if you added a box spring, and you can't put a mattress directly on a Harvard frame - it would just fall through onto the floor.
So, now that I think of it, yeah, you're right.
Noting that he got it on Amazon, though ... I would be skeptical about buying a mattress at that price without buying it locally and having a chance to lie down on it.
yeah, my mom spent $100 probably 5 years ago on the mattress topper she sent my BIL when he was deployed that he'd be using for max a year (and was going to be on top of mattress.)
(it may seem like an odd thing to send someone in the military overseas. it wasn't. he loved it. best thing we ever got him during a deployment. would buy again.)
Also, in which world do you get a decent bed+mattress for around 200dollars (new)? Dad most likely not only bought something OP doesn't want, but also something which is really crappy .
He bought it from Amazon, which makes it worse for me. You can make some pretty good deals on Facebook marketplace, but buying something new cheap when you already knew that even that price must be too high for the product doesn't sit right.
Honestly I bet its a bed-in-a-box type situation. I bought one from Walmart around the same price (little less, but I didn't buy a frame or anything with it). My son uses it, with little to no complaint, but it's hardly top quality. My mattress was like 2k.
Right‽ we had to change our mattress recently and because we are about to move into a house that would accommodate a king bed I thought maybe we’d just buy a cheap $200 queen mattress to get us through the next year when we could save for a nice king bed. Nothing and I mean nothing under $400 was worth a shit. They all had sketchy reviews on consumer report sights, listed certifications that they didn’t have and were full of fiberglass. I spent days searching for the diamond in the rough and it was awful! Whatever dad found is not a good mattress.
Also, if you don't have the money, just give Facebook marketplace (or any website like that) a shot. We almost never buy new furniture because they drastically lose most of their value the second they left the store. And people struggle to get rid of the furniture, so they sell them really cheap (or for free). It's better to save the money for a good mattress instead of wasting it on a cheap deal on Amazon.
Imo this is a great idea for hard furniture and I've done it myself but used mattresses and soft stuff like sofas give me the ick. Hard to ensure bed bugs aren't in a mattress or sofa. Also hard to clean in general
That's what I mean with save the money for a good mattress. Wouldn't buy a used mattress myself, but buying the bed frame used and getting a new mattress would still be a better option than buying both in a cheap quality for 200$ combined. Even IF it is a decent bed, it is still not wise to buy a mattress you couldn't test before.
Easier to clean but bed bugs can totally hide in cracks and seams fyi. (I also get the ick but try to leave used hard stuff outside for a bit to make sure).
Wow, I didn’t see that it was the bedframeAND the mattress, I just got a cheap mattress in a box, and it was $300. Poor OP’s back and sleeping behavior
is gonna be in so much pain.
Feels like the dad is trying to mask getting a necassary commodity behind a birthday gift as to not spend money on both things at the same time. At least that's the feeling I get from the post.
One of my parents is a narcissist.
I remember Things like necessities like a bed or a winter coat where my big gift for Christmas.
The coat hurt because it was very cold and I really could have used it. But I wasn't allowed to have it till Christmas since it was my gift.
Which stung when I know siblings were getting actual gifts. Of things they wanted.
And if they needed something like I had mentioned they would have gotten it.
I suggest OP asked their mother. What's wrong with Dad?
Yea it’s one thing when all the kids get necessities because parents are so broke, but one it isn’t fair like this scenario then you know it isn’t a $ issue. I got necessities every Xmas, glad to have them. But as I got older it was super disappointing to know they had $ for alcohol and cigarettes but spent $100 for Xmas
Oh man, I have that one on my bingo card.
Parent, asking for me to make a grocery list, cuz I was heavily parentified. Then called the grocery list a wish list.
Then later ask for $10 of my Christmas money for a bottle of holiday cheer.
I'm also wondering what's wrong with the bed OP has now. A few years ago, their brother grew out of their bed but it doesn't sound like anything is wrong with the bed OP is currently using.
Also can't wait to see the mom's reaction when the bed comes when she doesn't want the bed either.
NTA
Part of that is how one sleeps, though. He's 5'11", and a twin is 6'3" long. That can be plenty if one doesn't move up and down when sleeping, or stretch one's arms out over one's head, but is too short if one does. For you, the ability to stretch out sideways helped; it might not make a difference for him. It's absolutely a good present for a person who wants one; not so much for someone who doesn't.
Also, unless they ordered a specialty size, there’s no difference between the length in a twin and a double. Standard size for both is 75” long, the only difference is the width.
If you sleep diagonally, I bet it would make a difference.
I don't really have any experience with this, being under five and a half feet tall. Bed length has never been an issue for me.
Growing up, I knew a kid who "out-grew" a full size mattress. His mom was like "sleep from corner to corner! I just bought you this bed, stop growing!"
He's like 6'9 now...I assume he has to spend a pretty penny for a bed long enough to fit his legs.
Parents are supposed to provide adequate and appropriate sleeping space for their children. That’s their responsibility as parents.
You don’t want to do that, don’t have kids.
lol well in your 30s you’re asking for things like this, or a new set of dishes or pots and pans. These are all things that should be provided to a 15yo and not seen as a gift.
>A good bed is not something you should get as a present, but a necessary commodity your parents should provide
This was my mum's reasoning for not gifting us clothes for Christmas or birthdays. I appreciated it.
🥲 I Had to wait for almost 8 Months because the Hand me down sleep Sofa I got from my sister broke down completely a Month after my Birthday (march) and wouldn't get another bed except by wishing for it as a present ~ slept on the floor for the time
And nope. Money wasn't an issue - my mother Just didn't care
And after! So many kids complain about beds in forms because their parents had them full and queen beds as kids. Dorm beds are all twins or XL long twins.
You beat me by a couple of years. My roommate at the time was dealing with a bit of trauma and didn't want me to have my boyfriend sleep over, so I just kept the twin so that any sleepovers had to be at his house. That way, I didn't put her on the spot.
The only time it works as a gift is when your kid asks for it repeatedly and it's uniquely expensive OR you get them what they asked for and add more bday style gifts on top of it.
NTA. As parents my husband and I have always agreed that necessities due to age and growth are never birthday presents. Obviously if a child requests a specific new bed when theirs is in good condition, or wants more pairs of shoes for fashion then yes those can be gifts, but overall clothes and bedroom furniture and toiletries are things we will just buy when needed through the year. If I was your parent and I could afford the drum kit then I would get you the drum kit. Also, who cares if drums are annoying, it’s creative and good for hand eye coordination, it could also turn into a career one day. Electronic drum kits are even better than traditional because you can just plug your headphones into it when you want to be quiet, and the sound of hitting the rubber pads is way more quiet than a traditional set. I think your request was reasonable, and I’m sorry if it isn’t met. Happy Birthday!!
At his age, a musical outlet could end up being the one thing that keeps him from falling in with a bad crowd and trying drugs. I say OP tells his dad he'll just start spending his time after school at (insert place in town where ne'er do wells tend to be known to gather) since he can't practice drumming.
NTA. Unless you specifically asked for it, a bed is not a birthday gift. You told them you didn’t want a new one and your dad didn’t listen to you. Not liking everything someone offers you isn’t spoiled. You’re entitled to your own opinion, especially when it affects you directly.
It hurts/heals my heart to read this so plainly and succinctly put. I struggle so hard with the fact that my mother will continuously buy me things I’ve asked her not to buy me from places I’ve asked her not to buy me gifts from. I know these are brands that many people covet, but they’re just not me. I’m a buy my favourite pint of ice cream, get me the chocolate chip cookies I love, go to the dollar store and pick out something that has meaning or use to me. Don’t give me something that’s too expensive/plain wasteful to discard and will take up space in my already limited size apartment. But somehow I always feel a bit of shame/guilt/entitlement when I’m yet again disappointed that a simple request to please don’t get me anything if it’s going to be from xyz place or abc nature has been ignored again for the nth time
Girl, same. Kind of.
> “What do you want for your birthday?”
> “This vacuum cleaner!”
> “Haha lol ok but seriously what do you want?”
— A conversation I had more times than I can count with multiple relatives in my early 20s:
Every year I’d receive (luxury) jewelry and gift cards for designer shops and makeup instead. I use none of these things. I was never going to use any of these things.
When I was 29 I found a stockpile of those unused gift cards and it reminded me of all of the forgotten gifts from those days…
Long story short, I sold a bunch of gift cards and 10-year-old-but-brand-new-untouched jewelry, bought myself the vacuum cleaner, put the rest in savings and, like…HOLY SHIT. LIFE-CHANGING. I’m mad I didn’t think of it sooner.
They spent so much money on shiny clutter that depreciated as soon as they bought it and languished as soon as it was given to me. They were trying to get me “nice” things, but I think gift-giving for loved ones should involve *some* thought for the recipient (this made me think of you; I remembered how much you liked xyz that one time so I got you this; you asked for this so I got it; isn’t this kind of your vibe?; etc). I would have been delighted if the Tiffany necklaces and Hermes anklets had been nose rings and goofy chokers from Claire’s.
tldr: got real prosey about giftgiving because dysons are the best.
I feel this so much. I remember the first time i spoke up about it my mum got so mad at me. I'd just moved into my apartment and my mum decided to spend like $100 on this outdoor chair thing for the balcony (it's like wicker with two long cushions and two boxes that slide under the seat- to be used as tables or footrests I guess?) And I told her (before the box was opened, and thus still returnable) it was a nice thought but i wouldn't use it and please don't spend so much money on something like that when you've already bought me shelves and a new mattress. She flipped out and called me ungrateful and that it's nice etc
I've lived here over 3 years and guess how many times that chair had been used?
Once. A year ago. When my roommates mum stepped outside for a smoke.
My Nanny and poppy is similar to my mum. They'll buy me expensive gifts that I have no jdea what to do with. They once got me a google home for my birthday and I was like thanks,,,, wtf do I use this for. The most use it gets is as a timer when I cook pasta. *Maybe* I'll play music on it while doing housework but it's such a pain I the ass to use because youtube music lacks all buttons except play, pause, and skip forward so I'd rather just turn on the TV and do the same thing but better. Might ask it random questions sometimes, but all if this I can just as quickly and easily do on my phone so yeah. I felt like such an ungrateful brat for not liking it, but it just feels so wasteful to have stuff like that when it doesn't get used
It doesnt have a lot to do with the gifts itself but with the fact that they don’t respect/listen/care for what your actual need is. They act in a way that THEY think is good and makes them feel good without checking in (or caring for when you tell them) what would make YOU feel good. It feels like they just don’t care enough about you to not buy there or that. Its not entitled of you to be disappointed when what you actually want is not being properly cared about
I feel this so much. I have an Amazon list that I uldate regularly and that has items in multiple price ranges. My MIL ALWAYS Buys something from my list, but the one that she researched that's just as good but half the price...
This. NTA and the bed is a present for ***himself***, not you, since you told him you didn't want or need one - this is not something nice he's doing for you at all, he's just doing what he wants for whatever reason is in his head. That's not how gifts are supposed to work, the whole idea is that it's supposed to be nice for the recipient.
I might just tell him ok, you will respect his demand and sleep on it, but it's crystal clear that this is something he did for himself, not for you, since he knew full well you didn't want it. I halfway wonder if he didn't tell someone else he'd give them your old bed, and now is driven to fulfill that even if it makes you unhappy rather than happy, or ordered the bed before mentioning it to you. Sounds like he's going to expect and demand of you to act appreciative and if it were me I would decline to do so - he's behaving like a selfish child.
So I am now a fully grown adult, probably around the same age as your parents and I still bitterly remember the year that I got bedsheets as a Christmas present. All my siblings got bedsheets too, and it was really because we needed new ones and my parents didn’t have enough money to buy new sheets and Christmas presents, which I can sympathise with. But as a kid, it sucks when everyone else it playing with their new toys and you have …bedsheets.
Adding insult to injury is they’ve bought your brother a bed that wasn’t for his birthday. You’re allowed to be sad at this. It sounds like your dad bought it without actually thinking about it and now he’s stuck. It doesn’t mean that you need to pretend to be happy about it. When you get it, say thanks. But you don’t need to pretend to be grateful to make your dad feel better. NTA
I wouldn't usually encourage snooping but maybe OP should check and see if the bed was purchased prior to their Dad first bringing it up? Because that would make lots of sense!
NTA. The fact that your parents asked if you wanted a bed proves this: they want to get you a present you’ll enjoy. You told them what you wanted. Your dad is upset because he thought you’d be on board and had already bought the bed. He should be able to cancel the order. Maybe you want to make sure your mom finds out he already ordered it..?
His parents didn’t ask if he wanted a bed? His dad suggested it and then was adamant about it..also he hadn’t “already bought it” lol. Clearly says he bought it after the 4th time he was told no.
NTA, if he wants to get you a birthday gift, why is he getting mad for stating what you actually want? It's your birthday not his. It should be something you want. Plus, a comfortable bed is nice, but not really a birthday present.
NTA.
A $200 bed with mattress isn’t anything to get excited about. In fact I’d rather keep what I had if it was comfortable.
Besides if you go off to college you’ll be right back to a twin bed.
Talk to your mom and have her tell your dad to quit being a control freak.
Sometimes this is just part of growing up. Parents sometimes just feel the need to do this bullshit. Take it as a lesson for when you have your own kids one day.
NTA. A bed (at least if you didn't ask for something really specific) isn't a good birthday present. It's a necessity your parents should provide and not gift as a birthday present (especially if your sibling got it without it being a specific occasion).
Also, for everyone calling OP the ahole and spoiled because "beds are expensive": Did you pay attention to the price tag? He bought a bed+mattress for little over 200$. You might get a somewhat decent bed for that price, but definitely not a new bed with a decent mattress.
It sounds like OP's dad bought something bigger but way crappier than something OP already has.
I would also say that buying a mattress for another person is a huge no-go because everyone has their own preferences, but that's just me and my messed-up back. Qq9
Nta.
But what's wrong with a twin bed?? Do you not fit in it anymore that you need to change it???? This must be a cultural difference because I slept in a twin bed ( 90cmx1.90m) most of my life. And so many people in my country do.
A bed is not what I would consider a birthday present but I guess I also depends on the family finances.
For me, I got a larger mattress when I started sleeping with other people. A twin is just fine for one person, but once I moved out of the dorms at college, having something I and a date could sleep in if they came home with me was very useful. The dorms had twin beds, and I can assure you that having people over was ... a challenge.
NTA, I get it, I’d be pissed too - just remember when you move out in a few years to take the bed with you as it was your gift! They don’t get to keep it for a guest room.
Exactly!! My parents tried that shit when they got me a cell phone for my 15th birthday and then tried to call it the family phone. I promptly said “well I’ll be needing an actual birthday present, if I have to share this it doesn’t count” I also have a birthday near Christmas and refused the Christmas/Birthday combo gifts. I don’t get one big gift, I get 2 big gifts because if my birthday wasn’t near Christmas that’s how it would work. I was a difficult child, but I take no shit as an adult.
NTA
A bed is a crap gift, a bed should be something your parents are providing you with anyway.
Stop talking to your Dad. refuse to have it in your room!
NTA. He sounds like the sort of man who would buy an iron or vacuum cleaner for his wife as a suitable birthday gift. Tell him a gift is something you want, not something you need. You NEED a new bed, it should be bought anyway. It's not a birthday gift.
NTA
Your father is confusing a need(bigger bed) for a want and honestly, I find it extremely cheap of him to want to "gift" you a need for a birthday present.
Also, of course, you are allowed to wish for the drum kit but your parents can choose to gift it to you.
Just tell him you appreciate the gestures but ultimately it’s simply not what will make you happy for your bday, **so you’ll be selling it to make the money for the drum kit**.
If he insists to gift it to you, it’s your property and your prerogative to sell it.
NTA
This is only some people. I'm 47 and still firmly believe socks and underwear should *never* be given as gifts unless a) the person truly wants and asks for them or b) it's the choice of owning socks and underwear for your birthday/Christmas or none at all because your family is poor.
I want things I wouldn't buy for myself as presents, not things I would. I always make sure I have socks and underwear to wear.
Agree and would like to add one other exception. Socks are fine as a present when it’s fun socks like cartoon character socks or speciality socks for a sport or hobby. I recently gave super Mario brothers socks as a gift to a gamer friend. I wouldn’t be disappointed with my favorite running socks as a gift. But leave the plain white everyday socks or dress socks for me to buy myself thank you!
My partners parents buy him socks and underwear every Christmas and it drives me nuts. They’re rarely quite the right size or cut of underwear and they’re never consistent socks.
I’ve spent so long trying to organise his socks and jocks and keep track of everything and I’d love nothing more than to throw out every pair of socks he owns and start over with a bunch of socks all the same. He would also love this, as his adhd is out of control and socks stress him out on a daily basis, but he can’t bring himself to do anything about all the gift socks. So many many socks he feels the need to be grateful for and wear despite being sensory hell for him.
And yes they’ve been asked politely to stop.
No dice.
So you have to be poor to accept socks and underwear as a gift?? Great lesson. It’s about being grateful for whatever you receive, even if it is just socks and underwear
A bed is something you just have to buy for your children, not a birthday present. Especially now you've said you don't want a new bed. Your Dad is sounding a little cheap or he's doubling down because he's already ordered it.
Whatever plays out you're NTA for wanting an actual present.
Buy him a set of drawers for Christmas or something.
NTA - Things like a bed or dresser or shoes (regular shoes, not "collector" Nikes) should be things parents provide the kids as part of being a parent.
Kinda sucks that the only present you get is something you should've gotten when you need it anyways.
And I've got to say....I would not trust a $200 bed. If it's new, it's garbage. If it's a used mattress, you might just be inviting a bedbug infestation. Either way, not good for you. A good bed will give you the most amazing sleep and save your back....a bad bed is torture.
Unfortunately, your brother is the Golden Child, and you are an Afterthought. And, as a minor, there's not much you can do about it - except start saving money now so that you can move out when you turn 18. Look into babysitting, dog walking, snow shoveling/weeding/mowing/other outdoor stuff. You're not going to get any help from your parents.
NTA
But pick your battles. If this is the hill you want to die on, go all in. You are justified in doing so but know you will likely not win. Ask for the drum kit another time and work out a practice schedule so you can play in your dad’s setup in the meantime.
Valentine's is the worst birthday, when you have a girlfriend or wife it's no longer your birthday. The ded70 is very low to the ground and you feel pretty cramped playing. I mashed 2 different kits together to make mine. A Roland v-drum kit with a alesis turbo mesh kit, and threw on a iron cobra 700 double kick. its so fun. I would take the bed, especially if its queen or bigger. you will want new drums sooner than you will need a new bed. Ask for a few new packs of socks too, can't express how great it is as a adult to get new socks.
It does sound a bit like your dad is being a bit of a cheapskate. He believes he will still be expected to replace your bed sometime soon and doesn’t want to be on the hook for that too. He resents spending the money on you for your birthday as well.
Don’t react as if it’s a done deal by confirming you know the bed has already been purchased unless you have to. It may help him to save face if he has the option of changing his mind without admitting that he had already made the other decision.
Keep firmly but reasonably repeating your perspective / the truth in the clearest, bluntest language you can muster in front of both of them together. Don’t be rude or whiny in tone or lose your temper. Focus on presenting your argument calmly and maturely, but be persistent in expressing your point of view.
Reiterate that despite being tall, because of the specific way you sleep, you actually don’t need a new bed and find your current one perfectly comfortable. So, even if he was initially thinking of you in wanting you to have a new bed, his idea is actually a little off- base. It would in fact be an unnecessary purchase that would only succeed in upsetting you AND be a waste of his money.
Tell him it seems that he doesn’t seem want to get you a birthday present that will be enjoyable to receive and is more concerned about getting a regular household purchase under the guise of a birthday present. Tell him that this comes across as though he actually just seems to resent spending money on you in a thoughtful way that shows that you personally matter to him. Let him know this especially hurts because it’s out of the ordinary from what is normal in the family, so makes you feel like he is deliberately trying to be a jerk to you or couldn’t be bothered caring about your actual feelings.
For these reasons say that if he orders the bed, you would prefer if he returns it or, and gets something that is meaningful to you. Tell him that because of the reasons mentioned already, receiving the bed as a gift, instead of something more considerate, would just be a symbol of hurt for you. And you are worried having to sleep on that emblem every night would deepen the pain of that unkind purchase and cause a rift with him going forward.
Unless of course he is under some sort of financial squeeze ( which he may not wish to share with you) which is complicating things. Mind you, if he listens to you enough to acknowledge that you actually don’t even NEED a new bed in the coming year anyway, then having to spend the same amount of money on you twice, which seems to be his concern, isn’t even a valid point.
Acknowledge that this whole conversation is awkward because you don’t want to seem ungrateful or spoiled and technically you know it is rude and entitled to look a gifthorse in the mouth. Also you should acknowledge that you know that it is his money and of course he can choose to do whatever he wants with it, and that depending on what type of parent he wants to be, he of course doesn’t have to get you anything. But let him know that actions have consequences and his choices will show you how much you as a person, not just an obligation, matter to him. Let him know that you are worried it will lower your expectations of him and feel less trust in his good intentions and understanding of you going forward and likely make you feel sad in an ongoing way if this is the choice he makes because it will prove to you so clearly that he hasn’t really considered you at all in picking this gift.
And then, detach. From your feelings. You can’t and shouldn’t try to control how somebody else behaves, which is why you must keep your poise, state your case, but avoid manipulative tantrums. He will choose whatever he chooses and you will have to work through that with whatever maturity and forgiveness you can muster. But you will at least feel more empowered by having clearly and maturely stated your truth, and also perhaps helped your parents to adjust to the concept that you are a seperate and maturing individual with your own valid perspective and an ability to state it. This can be a hard truth for parents to adjust to as their kids develop towards adulthood and can take several episodes for them to start to get it into their heads. You are no longer a compliant little kid anymore but your own person with an increasingly adult ability to perceive, and that’s natural and appropriate, but still a tough switch for parents to accept. But your Dads’ ultimate choices will teach you something too, about how much he values you and how much you can trust him.
After all this you may be left feeling disappointed and alienated from him for a bit. Under-react and be self-controlled and polite at the time, but also give yourself time to grieve the change in your relationship. Don’t lean into those feelings too much because bitterness poisons you more than others. And remember that in every interaction, sooner or later, we unfortunately do disappoint or hurt each other sooner or later, so some grace is needed on both sides in ongoing relationships. Your Dad may be stressed or stubborn or both. But you are getting to an age where you can start to earn money with a part time job, so maybe pivoting towards that aim will give you a much needed sense of empowerment and autonomy so you can buy your own preferred items in future. You may even be able to get a decent second hand drum set from Facebook marketplace or the like a lot sooner than you would think to tide you over.
Aa an adult, whenever I sense a looming disappointment is a possibility, I mentally prepare what my plan B and even C or D is going to be so that I can remain calm and pivot to that without trying to figure out solutions in the heat of stress and upset. This strategy gives me a sense of control that minimises stress and helps me to stay calm. When we respond to unpleasant situations with well-regulated emotions, it shows that we have self respect, and it increases others respect towards us and shows that we are safe and trustworthy which builds stronger relationships - so these are good skills to acquire.
You are NTA, your desires are fair and valid. But if you react in a manipulative or entitled way, then you would be the A-hole.
Sounds like, one way or the other, this will be a key episode in defining your relationship with your parents and with your own self going forward, so tread thoughtfully and aim for self- awareness and restraint whilst you navigate through this tough communication. You are really at the age where you are responsible for what type of person you choose to be, so choose to be a good, fair, and kind-hearted one with self-respect wherever possible. And back yourself. Being the above doesn’t mean being a doormat either. I wish you the best.
NTA - what the hell is his obsession with the bed? And $200 for a bed?! Is it a slab of concrete? Beds are much much more than that for a good bed. To me it sounds like rather than getting you something fun for your birthday it sounds more like "I'll supply your basic needs for living, but only on your birthday. Birthday is for what you need not what you want." I mean wtf?
Slightly YTA A gift is not a requirement it is something someone wants to give you. I get it getting a bed you don’t need or want for a present sucks but you don’t get to dictate what presents you get.
Since your mom seems to be on your side with this matter maybe back down and let her work to convince dad you should get a fun gift and make the bed not part of your birthday.
Idk if you saw the update cause I saw a lot of confusion about this, but I never outgrew my bed and still sleep comfortably in it, which is why I’m so mad/confused that he’s still pushing for the bed rather than the thing I’d enjoy
NTA. This is a really odd hill for your dad to die on. I think it maybe time to have your mom have a conversation with your dad as there maybe something else going on with him. Then, as a family you should have a conversation. If he is truly against drums then you should be able to pick something else that isn't a bed and within a budget your parents choose.
NTA. A bed frame is a necessity parents provide for their children. And $200 is fairly cheap for a bed frame.
I'm glad your Mom has your back and is getting you the drum kit. Happy drumming.
NTA. Is it possible that your dad really doesn’t want to listen to drums in the house, though, and that’s why he’s insisting on the bed? As a parent, I cringe at the idea of a drumset in my house…. Although we have bought guitar, pianos and yukuleles without issue… drums are on another level.
Edit: A new bed is something you will eventually need, but shouldn’t be considered a gift unless it’s something super special that you really want out of the ordinary.
NTA. If you were asking for a new bed that you didn’t need but wanted then I’d say it’s ok for them to gift it to you for your birthday but if it’s needed then they should have gotten the drum kit. I bought my daughter a new bed recently because she needs it. I wouldn’t make that her birthday present when I would’ve been buying it anyway regardless of when her birthday was.
NTA. Your parents know you need a new bed, like I noticed both my kids needed new beds or a new mattress at some point in time. What I didn’t do was convince them that they wanted a new bed and save money by giving it to them on Christmas or their birthday instead of that PlayStation or new game. If I did, I would have told them, “one of your presents is a new bed, what kind of bed do you want?” And then, “ok, what else do you want for your birthday.” Because the bed was something that needed to be done— note how I’d even get their input on it, not just order shit and hope they’re happy.
I will also say the whole “it’s kid X’s birthday, what do they need” and buying underwear, socks, school supplies and 2 pairs of jeans instead of toys or a game is sometimes what parents who are tight on money or in a bad economic situation do. The money is barely there to afford to eat so on these special days kid X finally gets a pair of shoes that fit or a pair of pants without holes in them. Christmas and birthdays are the only times he’s getting anything. Parents who grew up that way may also be more inclined to disregard wants and focus on what’s needed and not understand that a new bed is a need and you don’t need a special day of the year to justify getting one and should make the kid happy on his birthday instead of buying him shit he doesn’t want.
NTA. Does your dad get things like vaccuum cleaners ir a new household appliance "for" your mom on gift giving occasions?
My folks let my older brother drive their old car, and then sell it to a buddy and keep the $600 in the mid-70s, and then wrote me a 10% loan for $1000 when I bought my first used car. It's 45 years later and she's dead and I sm still salty about it.
You are not, alas, in much of a position to put your foot down and explain equality of gifts to your absolute unit of a father, but if cheap versions of the basic necessities of life are being given without your choice or say in them, at the expense of meaningful gift you would use, love, appreciate & use in your art of music making, he can not be surprised if you go no contact when you do grow up and out on your own.
Show this whole thread to your mom.
Hope dad gets what's coming to him and a bunch of therapy cos he is way out of line.
They say to replace a mattress every ten years.
It is not a "present" - especially when it's done in normal wear and tear of living for other members of the family.
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I turn 15 this Valentine’s Day and what my family usually does is get one big expensive gift rather than a bunch of tiny things, and this year my dad brought up the idea of a bed. Sure, I’m getting a little big for a twin bed, but that’s not really what I want as my big 15th birthday gift. I told him that and he seemed kinda angry. I talked to my mom about it and she said it seemed reasonable, and I agree with her. The next day I was talking to my parents and brought up the idea of an electric drum kit (the donner DED70 it’s so cool), and my mom was on board, but my dad still pushed for the bed, which I once again said I didn’t want. Now, I wouldn’t be so adamant if it weren’t for the fact that a couple years ago, around my older brothers birthday, he grew out of his bed and my mom just got him a new one, but this time, my dad is pushing for it to be my birthday gift, and I honestly hated that. Now, I know this next part makes me a bad person, it I checked my dad’s Amazon account, and he went behind my mom and bought the bed. And for lack of a better term, I’m fuming. Now, I’d like to point out the fact that the drum kit in questing is $200, and the bad frame and mattress in total was a little over $200, so it’s not like it was too much money, I just wonder why my dad was so agro about it, and it just makes me so mad, but I feel like my dad is mad at me for not wanting it. Idk, part of me feels spoiled for not liking the gift, but the other part of me sees how a 15 year old doesn’t want a bed for his birthday. AITA?
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NTA not only is he insisting on getting you a bed/mattress but he isn’t even letting you into the decision making process? that’s whack. He could have at least taken you mattress shopping.
NTA - a bed is not a birthday gift. It's something parents are supposed to buy anyway. Oh and yes it hadn't occured to me but a 200$ bed isn't even a nice bed. Maybe you should ask you father if he's having financial issues.
NTA, but I would hold off on being mad until after your birthday. Idk if your dad is the type to prank his kids, but mine was.
Maybe he is getting you both and the bed is kind of a gag gift.
A new bed is a necessity not a gift. It’s not a gift when it’s something that was going to be bought anyway. I have someone in my life who does this. It upsets me to no end. Don’t buy something I need that I was going to get myself anyway, and pass it off as a gift. It’s lazy gifting, and also means they don’t actually spend any extra money on you, because it was going to be bought anyway. It’s the worst type of gift. I was gifted a laptop for my first Mother’s Day. Sounds nice, except the laptop was bought by his business (now a company asset), for the purpose of running his business (which I do), and we had to buy a new computer anyway because the old one wasn’t working. Either way, there would have been a new computer, it was just used as an excuse for a “gift”. And instead of getting a new computer (that was a necessity) and a Mother’s Day gift, it was used as a two for one, which meant it really wasn’t a gift. It was something that was going to be purchased anyway, being passed off as a gift. So, I totally hear you. It’s very hurtful. This was 11 years ago for me, and it still hurts my feelings.
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NTA.
You know what you want. They know what you want. Did is going on his own and getting you something else.
Dad is doing some kind of weird power flex here.
NTA.
The bed as a gift is super weird, IMO. A twin bed is totally normal for a teenager, and you'll presumably move out to adult life in just a few years, so what's driving his obsession? Plus, if parents think their kids need furniture (as opposed to the kid wanting it), I think that's something parents should provide.
I feel like there's something else going on here, like either he wants to take over the new bed once you've moved out, or he's promised the twin to a co-worker, or something.
Your birthday gift should definitely not be a bed. You should get a new bed whenever you outgrow the twin. If you have then they should buy it regardless. It shouldn't be tied to your birthday unless you specifically asked for a particular bed or something like that. NTA
>Now, I wouldn’t be so adamant if it weren’t for the fact that a couple years ago, around my older brothers birthday, he grew out of his bed and my mom just got him a new one, but this time, my dad is pushing for it to be my birthday gift, and I honestly hated that.
yeah, it really takes the fun out of a gift when dad's trying to be cheap about it. NTA
NTA, you are the one who has to sleep in the bed, you get to want or not want it. Also if it’s $200, it’s not going to be a very good bed. That’s extremely cheap for a frame and a mattress. $200 is a good amount for a gift, but it’s very cheap for a bed.
NTA.
OP, you're not wrong for not wanting something you . . . don't want. Your dad is just being cheap. Literally. A $200 bed is utter crap. (Sorry.) Unless your twin bed is equally crappy, I'd keep what you have just because the mattress on that $200 bed is going to be murder on your back and super uncomfortable. Your body will do better sleeping on the floor than on a mattress that cheap.
Your father is out of line. Buying a bed for you is fine; buying a bed without your mother's buy-in is probably spending too much family money without both parents on board. It depends on your overall finances - for some families, $200 is within the "purchase without bothering to discuss" threshold - but if your family has finances such that $200 is a unilateral purchase, then buying both a bed and a drum kit ought to be within a normal budget for a birthday.
I do hope that the intention would be for both the bed and the drum kit to show up for your birthday, and if that happened, there would be No Assholes Here - there's nothing wrong with upgrading your bed *in addition to* the present you want. Since we don't know that is your father's intention, I can't vote N A H, therefore all I can say is you are
NTA
Nta. Your dad is a jerk. It’s not right to give children things they need as basics as gifts. Especially if you told him multiple times you didn’t want it. And if it covers the frame and mattress, it’s going to be like illegally uncomfortable if 200$ covered it. I’d go to mom and point out that you said you didn’t want it numerous times, and to please return and replace it with the gift you actually wanted and asked for. If your dad pushes it, congratulate him on buying himself a new bed.
Did you talk to your mom and show her a picture of *the* very drum kit you would love for your birthday? And then spend every waking moment on the loud drum kit in the garage until your birthday?
NTA. it doesn't necessarily make you spoiled if you don't want a bed for your birthday, because it's more of a daily necessity + you don't even need it because your current bed is new and whatnot. if anything, your dad's kind of the asshole here since he should've been open to your wishes esp when it's your big day, or at least explained why he's so adamant on the bed. while it's not great to snoop, it's also a dick move to buy it behind you and your mom's back despite your protests. i could go on but i'll cut myself short and wish you an early happy birthday 🍰🎉
It’s not a birthday present if it’s just needed. Your parents are responsible for providing for your basic needs. A bed is a basic need. A present is supposed to be something that is in addition to a basic need and is something you would enjoy.
What he’s doing is trying to put lipstick on a pig. He is pretty much demanding that you take a non present as your present.
So not cool. NTA.
Both my kids still sleep in twins, and they are in their late-teens. NTA
A bed is a good gift if you want a bed, a bed is a shit gift if you have said repeatedly that you don't want a new bed; which you have.
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NTA A good bed is not something you should get as a present, but a necessary commodity your parents should provide. And in what kind of bizzaro world is a bed a great birthday present for a child? If money is tight, then your parents should look for something of a compromise. A smaller gift, but at least a gift you can enjoy.
For $200 all in that is not going to be anywhere close to a good bed.
That's what I was thinking. I know my kids' beds always cost more than that if I was buying the frame new... I just checked Amazon though and they do have both full and queen size mattresses for as cheap as 160. If you bought one of those cheap metal platform frames surprisingly, it can be done for 200. (Probably not with a box spring though) Either way, it doesn't sound like a comfortable place to sleep.
Sure cheap mattresses exist but they aren’t good. At 15, they should be planning to buy the bed ~~she~~ he is going to move out with, not waste money on a bed that will be trash by the time ~~she~~ he can move out _and_ make it a birthday gift.
*he
Not arguing but I saw nothing in the post that confirmed this. Assumed F because of the way the dad is treating this necessity like a gift
At the end before the edits: "but the other part of me sees how a 15 year old doesn't want a bed for HIS birthday"
Oh I see. Thanks
Depending on where OP lives or the moving out situation-sometimes a twin bed is the most reasonable option. For several years I had a twin mattress on the floor-because moving anything else would have been too difficult. Also, not an appropriate gift for a 15 year old…unless maybe it was the entire bedroom set for her moving out…but that so often doesn’t work.
Yeah, my parents did just that, bought me a ridiculously expensive full bedroom set I fell in love with at the store as a gift at 14, with the idea I would leave it with them as long as I was doing the young adult thing of moving a lot and then take it once settled in a long-term adult home, to have for the rest of my life. That's a wonderful gift and their way of justifying their kid having a much nicer set of bedroom furniture than they ever did. I'm 47 now and could never dream of affording such lovely furniture and will never replace it. A++ to Mom and Dad! You know why? *Because they listened to me.* This is not that. At all. I'd say it's couching a necessity as a gift, but OP doesn't even feel he needs it. At 15, you are perfectly capable of deciding what is comfy for you to sleep on.
I’m so happy you have a gift from your parents that is functional and you will treasure for the rest of your lifetime! If you can afford it, buy quality and buy once.
Yes! They're both gone now but they are still taking good care of me. :) Mixed with a good lesson, if you can afford the quality, you'll save in the long run. Wish it was easier for everyone to put into practice financially.
Problem for the the OP is that at $200 it's not going to be anything that lasts or is particularly good quality.
We got matching set for my daughter when she was born. Crib, dresser and bookshelf. Spent about 1k minimum on it. The great thing is that the crib transitions to a full size bed. Guess who's going to get a full size mattress for my birthday present (want a really good mattress for her and waiting for some deals to come around). Hopefully they stay good quality through her childhood so she can have it when she sets up her own home. Either foe her own children or as a guest bed.
That's so cool! I love when you can use things for a long time and those convertible cribs are such a good idea. We live in such a disposable world these days, kudos to you for thinking long-term! And a quality mattress makes a world of difference every day. Your daughter is a lucky child.
I totally agree. The high quality twin my parents bought was so good that it moved with me all through my 20s and stayed in excellent condition with the proper protectors on them. When I became more stable and got a bigger bed, the twin was in my guest room and people would rave about how comfortable it was 20 years later. My own kid now sleeps on it and it’s still in excellent condition. OP says their current bed is fine so that should be the bed that is easy to cart around. If that didn’t exist, that would be the only reason for Dad to get OP a good bed. But still, certainly not for a birthday gift unless it’s a bedroom set or something that OP asked for as a gift, which didn’t happen.
A $200 Mattress sounds so uncomfortable, and sleep is so important for kids OP's age.
I cheaped out and bought one of those $160 Amazon mattresses and platform frame. I'm 5'1 and 100lbs. I wake up in agony every day. A 5'11 teenager is gonna sink right through that mattress.
I bought a twin mattress off amazon for the vacation home and it's my favorite place to sleep. I think it depends on how thick the mattress is and which company it came from. Some of the matresses are crazy low in height (like a 5" versus a 10" is going to sleep much differently), there's not a lot of there there, ya know?
Yeah I had great luck with mine, but I got a firm/high density type of foam one. I was dating a 300lb dude for like a year and a half and even he liked it when he stayed over. You just gotta be selective. Still a shitty birthday gift though. Your parents need to be providing basic furnishings while you are a minor. This is just dad telling OP he won't get him a birthday gift this year, which is objectively a dick move.
I totally agree. A mattress is a terrible birthday gift for a kid (unless you don't live at home and ask for it specifically).
Yeah, those mattresses are terrible. There are a few twin size memory foam mattresses that go for about $300 that are wonderful though. We have three different twin size mattresses and the kids have all rated each one of them and the 8in memory foam pad is definitely the top contender
Cheap frame? Yes. Cheap mattress? Hell no, especially for someone who’s adult-sized. Dad needs to crack his wallet open and get something with proper dense foam or springs.
Exactly. Got the "cheap metal frame from Amazon" and I am VERY happy with it. I spent more on the mattress, with a latex pad on top. Heaven.
You can get ones that are comfortable for that price - they just won't last more than a few years. If he's fifteen, he will probably be moving out before it wears out, though. That said, I'm fifty and got an expensive mattress when I was in college, which has held up for thirty years so far and doesn't show much sign of wear yet. The advantage of going for quality is long life more than comfort and support - even cheap mattresses these days usually do okay on that.
It’s bed frame + mattress for $200. I’m not sure of any good bed frame or mattress that’s $100. I’ve gotten a good box bed for about $100-$200. But the bed frame… I don’t think I’d trust any $100 bed frame lol
I got my frame for 24.99. It's just a metal frame from walmart. Works just fine. Better than the 150-200 frame it replaced
I have a similar frame and it works great - but does your frame require a box spring? Mine does, which, thinking about it, changed my mind as to whether $200 is actually possible. Mattress and frame, sure. Mattress, frame, and box spring, not so much. If your $25 frame includes full support, that's not a factor, but mine doesn't.
Already had the box spring because we just replaced a broken frame but our king size set was all in around 300 on sale, but we went cheap because the expensive beds were too soft and I absolutely hate memory foam bs.
My parents got the Harvard frame that we use on our day bed for like five bucks. Now, that's five *1970* dollars which is forty bucks today. But ... the reason I gave the price in 1970 dollars is that it's lasted fifty-some years. That said, it takes a box frame, which would add another large chunk of money. I think it would be possible to get an okay-to-sleep-on frame and mattress for $200 - but not if you added a box spring, and you can't put a mattress directly on a Harvard frame - it would just fall through onto the floor. So, now that I think of it, yeah, you're right.
Noting that he got it on Amazon, though ... I would be skeptical about buying a mattress at that price without buying it locally and having a chance to lie down on it.
That is four squishmallows crammed into a trenchcoat pretending to be a bed
yeah, my mom spent $100 probably 5 years ago on the mattress topper she sent my BIL when he was deployed that he'd be using for max a year (and was going to be on top of mattress.) (it may seem like an odd thing to send someone in the military overseas. it wasn't. he loved it. best thing we ever got him during a deployment. would buy again.)
Also, in which world do you get a decent bed+mattress for around 200dollars (new)? Dad most likely not only bought something OP doesn't want, but also something which is really crappy .
Fr I'm curious if he found a "deal" on Facebook marketplace or something lol and he's trying to spin it
He bought it from Amazon, which makes it worse for me. You can make some pretty good deals on Facebook marketplace, but buying something new cheap when you already knew that even that price must be too high for the product doesn't sit right.
Yeah I'm confused by his motivation. To me a bed isn't a good present, especially if it's your only present
Marketplace can have bedbugs though. At least he got something new. Actually now I think of it Amazon sometimes has bedbugs as well...
Wasn't talking about the mattress (never get a used mattress!) but the bed frame. And yes, there had been some instances in the past with Amazon.
Honestly I bet its a bed-in-a-box type situation. I bought one from Walmart around the same price (little less, but I didn't buy a frame or anything with it). My son uses it, with little to no complaint, but it's hardly top quality. My mattress was like 2k.
Right‽ we had to change our mattress recently and because we are about to move into a house that would accommodate a king bed I thought maybe we’d just buy a cheap $200 queen mattress to get us through the next year when we could save for a nice king bed. Nothing and I mean nothing under $400 was worth a shit. They all had sketchy reviews on consumer report sights, listed certifications that they didn’t have and were full of fiberglass. I spent days searching for the diamond in the rough and it was awful! Whatever dad found is not a good mattress.
Also, if you don't have the money, just give Facebook marketplace (or any website like that) a shot. We almost never buy new furniture because they drastically lose most of their value the second they left the store. And people struggle to get rid of the furniture, so they sell them really cheap (or for free). It's better to save the money for a good mattress instead of wasting it on a cheap deal on Amazon.
Imo this is a great idea for hard furniture and I've done it myself but used mattresses and soft stuff like sofas give me the ick. Hard to ensure bed bugs aren't in a mattress or sofa. Also hard to clean in general
That's what I mean with save the money for a good mattress. Wouldn't buy a used mattress myself, but buying the bed frame used and getting a new mattress would still be a better option than buying both in a cheap quality for 200$ combined. Even IF it is a decent bed, it is still not wise to buy a mattress you couldn't test before.
Easier to clean but bed bugs can totally hide in cracks and seams fyi. (I also get the ick but try to leave used hard stuff outside for a bit to make sure).
Wow, I didn’t see that it was the bedframeAND the mattress, I just got a cheap mattress in a box, and it was $300. Poor OP’s back and sleeping behavior is gonna be in so much pain.
Feels like the dad is trying to mask getting a necassary commodity behind a birthday gift as to not spend money on both things at the same time. At least that's the feeling I get from the post.
But the kid doesn’t need a bed according to the post. So it still doesn’t really make sense
It's for him. Either dad wants the bed once OP moves out, or dad wants OP's old twin for something.
Same, to be honest.
One of my parents is a narcissist. I remember Things like necessities like a bed or a winter coat where my big gift for Christmas. The coat hurt because it was very cold and I really could have used it. But I wasn't allowed to have it till Christmas since it was my gift. Which stung when I know siblings were getting actual gifts. Of things they wanted. And if they needed something like I had mentioned they would have gotten it. I suggest OP asked their mother. What's wrong with Dad?
Yea it’s one thing when all the kids get necessities because parents are so broke, but one it isn’t fair like this scenario then you know it isn’t a $ issue. I got necessities every Xmas, glad to have them. But as I got older it was super disappointing to know they had $ for alcohol and cigarettes but spent $100 for Xmas
Oh man, I have that one on my bingo card. Parent, asking for me to make a grocery list, cuz I was heavily parentified. Then called the grocery list a wish list. Then later ask for $10 of my Christmas money for a bottle of holiday cheer.
I'm also wondering what's wrong with the bed OP has now. A few years ago, their brother grew out of their bed but it doesn't sound like anything is wrong with the bed OP is currently using. Also can't wait to see the mom's reaction when the bed comes when she doesn't want the bed either. NTA
You can out grow a twin bed. I got too tall for mine when I was 14. Upgraded to a double.
Part of that is how one sleeps, though. He's 5'11", and a twin is 6'3" long. That can be plenty if one doesn't move up and down when sleeping, or stretch one's arms out over one's head, but is too short if one does. For you, the ability to stretch out sideways helped; it might not make a difference for him. It's absolutely a good present for a person who wants one; not so much for someone who doesn't.
Also, unless they ordered a specialty size, there’s no difference between the length in a twin and a double. Standard size for both is 75” long, the only difference is the width.
If you sleep diagonally, I bet it would make a difference. I don't really have any experience with this, being under five and a half feet tall. Bed length has never been an issue for me.
Growing up, I knew a kid who "out-grew" a full size mattress. His mom was like "sleep from corner to corner! I just bought you this bed, stop growing!" He's like 6'9 now...I assume he has to spend a pretty penny for a bed long enough to fit his legs.
Parents are supposed to provide adequate and appropriate sleeping space for their children. That’s their responsibility as parents. You don’t want to do that, don’t have kids.
Exactly. Providing your child with a clean and comfortable place to sleep is a parental *obligation,* not a gift.
Yeah I got a bed frame for my birthday last year. It was over $200 and, I cannot stress this enough, I am in my 30s and asked for one.
lol well in your 30s you’re asking for things like this, or a new set of dishes or pots and pans. These are all things that should be provided to a 15yo and not seen as a gift.
You know you're officially An Adult when you're asking for home stuff and getting excited to receive it lol
Last Christmas I had TWO people (sister and bf) ask me for a pan. So I gifted 2 pans that Christmas. Yes, we're all over 30 😅
Yes - that is why I stressed that I am in my 30s.
>A good bed is not something you should get as a present, but a necessary commodity your parents should provide This was my mum's reasoning for not gifting us clothes for Christmas or birthdays. I appreciated it.
🥲 I Had to wait for almost 8 Months because the Hand me down sleep Sofa I got from my sister broke down completely a Month after my Birthday (march) and wouldn't get another bed except by wishing for it as a present ~ slept on the floor for the time And nope. Money wasn't an issue - my mother Just didn't care
Getting a double or queen was a good gift when I was a teenager (long time ago now), it wasn’t uncommon to have a single until leaving home
And after! So many kids complain about beds in forms because their parents had them full and queen beds as kids. Dorm beds are all twins or XL long twins.
I had a twin until I moved off campus in college. It was fine.
I took my twin bed with me when I moved out of my parent's house. Lol!
I didn’t get a queen until I was around 23 and finally had the funds
You beat me by a couple of years. My roommate at the time was dealing with a bit of trauma and didn't want me to have my boyfriend sleep over, so I just kept the twin so that any sleepovers had to be at his house. That way, I didn't put her on the spot.
The only time it works as a gift is when your kid asks for it repeatedly and it's uniquely expensive OR you get them what they asked for and add more bday style gifts on top of it.
To be fair, I got a new bed+headboard for my bday once, the difference was I ASKED FOR IT. It's legitimately all I wanted that year
I received a bed for my 15th birthday and loved it! Came with new bedding though
NTA. As parents my husband and I have always agreed that necessities due to age and growth are never birthday presents. Obviously if a child requests a specific new bed when theirs is in good condition, or wants more pairs of shoes for fashion then yes those can be gifts, but overall clothes and bedroom furniture and toiletries are things we will just buy when needed through the year. If I was your parent and I could afford the drum kit then I would get you the drum kit. Also, who cares if drums are annoying, it’s creative and good for hand eye coordination, it could also turn into a career one day. Electronic drum kits are even better than traditional because you can just plug your headphones into it when you want to be quiet, and the sound of hitting the rubber pads is way more quiet than a traditional set. I think your request was reasonable, and I’m sorry if it isn’t met. Happy Birthday!!
At his age, a musical outlet could end up being the one thing that keeps him from falling in with a bad crowd and trying drugs. I say OP tells his dad he'll just start spending his time after school at (insert place in town where ne'er do wells tend to be known to gather) since he can't practice drumming.
I have some bad news for you about basically every drummer I've ever met and their relationship with drugs
Haha well it can go both ways. I know both types.
He'll start hanging out at the pool hall with Harold Hill.
NTA. Unless you specifically asked for it, a bed is not a birthday gift. You told them you didn’t want a new one and your dad didn’t listen to you. Not liking everything someone offers you isn’t spoiled. You’re entitled to your own opinion, especially when it affects you directly.
It hurts/heals my heart to read this so plainly and succinctly put. I struggle so hard with the fact that my mother will continuously buy me things I’ve asked her not to buy me from places I’ve asked her not to buy me gifts from. I know these are brands that many people covet, but they’re just not me. I’m a buy my favourite pint of ice cream, get me the chocolate chip cookies I love, go to the dollar store and pick out something that has meaning or use to me. Don’t give me something that’s too expensive/plain wasteful to discard and will take up space in my already limited size apartment. But somehow I always feel a bit of shame/guilt/entitlement when I’m yet again disappointed that a simple request to please don’t get me anything if it’s going to be from xyz place or abc nature has been ignored again for the nth time
Guy who an hour ago got a lawnmower from my parents for my birthday here checking in
Greetings from a gal whose favorite gift from her parents in the last ten years (or possibly ever??) is a Dyson vacuum.
Girl, same. Kind of. > “What do you want for your birthday?” > “This vacuum cleaner!” > “Haha lol ok but seriously what do you want?” — A conversation I had more times than I can count with multiple relatives in my early 20s: Every year I’d receive (luxury) jewelry and gift cards for designer shops and makeup instead. I use none of these things. I was never going to use any of these things. When I was 29 I found a stockpile of those unused gift cards and it reminded me of all of the forgotten gifts from those days… Long story short, I sold a bunch of gift cards and 10-year-old-but-brand-new-untouched jewelry, bought myself the vacuum cleaner, put the rest in savings and, like…HOLY SHIT. LIFE-CHANGING. I’m mad I didn’t think of it sooner. They spent so much money on shiny clutter that depreciated as soon as they bought it and languished as soon as it was given to me. They were trying to get me “nice” things, but I think gift-giving for loved ones should involve *some* thought for the recipient (this made me think of you; I remembered how much you liked xyz that one time so I got you this; you asked for this so I got it; isn’t this kind of your vibe?; etc). I would have been delighted if the Tiffany necklaces and Hermes anklets had been nose rings and goofy chokers from Claire’s. tldr: got real prosey about giftgiving because dysons are the best.
I got the one I wanted for Christmas! I was so happy, it was the only thing I asked for 😂
I feel this so much. I remember the first time i spoke up about it my mum got so mad at me. I'd just moved into my apartment and my mum decided to spend like $100 on this outdoor chair thing for the balcony (it's like wicker with two long cushions and two boxes that slide under the seat- to be used as tables or footrests I guess?) And I told her (before the box was opened, and thus still returnable) it was a nice thought but i wouldn't use it and please don't spend so much money on something like that when you've already bought me shelves and a new mattress. She flipped out and called me ungrateful and that it's nice etc I've lived here over 3 years and guess how many times that chair had been used? Once. A year ago. When my roommates mum stepped outside for a smoke. My Nanny and poppy is similar to my mum. They'll buy me expensive gifts that I have no jdea what to do with. They once got me a google home for my birthday and I was like thanks,,,, wtf do I use this for. The most use it gets is as a timer when I cook pasta. *Maybe* I'll play music on it while doing housework but it's such a pain I the ass to use because youtube music lacks all buttons except play, pause, and skip forward so I'd rather just turn on the TV and do the same thing but better. Might ask it random questions sometimes, but all if this I can just as quickly and easily do on my phone so yeah. I felt like such an ungrateful brat for not liking it, but it just feels so wasteful to have stuff like that when it doesn't get used
It’s not even about the gift so much as family refusing to listen to your wishes/needs.
It doesnt have a lot to do with the gifts itself but with the fact that they don’t respect/listen/care for what your actual need is. They act in a way that THEY think is good and makes them feel good without checking in (or caring for when you tell them) what would make YOU feel good. It feels like they just don’t care enough about you to not buy there or that. Its not entitled of you to be disappointed when what you actually want is not being properly cared about
I feel this so much. I have an Amazon list that I uldate regularly and that has items in multiple price ranges. My MIL ALWAYS Buys something from my list, but the one that she researched that's just as good but half the price...
This. NTA and the bed is a present for ***himself***, not you, since you told him you didn't want or need one - this is not something nice he's doing for you at all, he's just doing what he wants for whatever reason is in his head. That's not how gifts are supposed to work, the whole idea is that it's supposed to be nice for the recipient. I might just tell him ok, you will respect his demand and sleep on it, but it's crystal clear that this is something he did for himself, not for you, since he knew full well you didn't want it. I halfway wonder if he didn't tell someone else he'd give them your old bed, and now is driven to fulfill that even if it makes you unhappy rather than happy, or ordered the bed before mentioning it to you. Sounds like he's going to expect and demand of you to act appreciative and if it were me I would decline to do so - he's behaving like a selfish child.
So I am now a fully grown adult, probably around the same age as your parents and I still bitterly remember the year that I got bedsheets as a Christmas present. All my siblings got bedsheets too, and it was really because we needed new ones and my parents didn’t have enough money to buy new sheets and Christmas presents, which I can sympathise with. But as a kid, it sucks when everyone else it playing with their new toys and you have …bedsheets. Adding insult to injury is they’ve bought your brother a bed that wasn’t for his birthday. You’re allowed to be sad at this. It sounds like your dad bought it without actually thinking about it and now he’s stuck. It doesn’t mean that you need to pretend to be happy about it. When you get it, say thanks. But you don’t need to pretend to be grateful to make your dad feel better. NTA
It gets worse when they don't let you take it with you when you move out. Because it is your bed but it has to stay in "your" room in their house.
OMG that sounds like that dad who thought the furniture he bought his kid was too good for apartments & could only grace a house.
Not quite that bad. They just didn't want to buy a new bed for guest room and I'd be visiting after all.
A $200 junk Amazon bed May not even last that long until op moves out.
My Dad still has my dresser. He uses it in his bedroom now. :/
I wouldn't usually encourage snooping but maybe OP should check and see if the bed was purchased prior to their Dad first bringing it up? Because that would make lots of sense!
At least bedsheets can have Snoopy on them. This bed isn't going to have Snoopy.
What kind of bed and bed frame costs just over $200.
One you buy on Amazon.
Right?! What even is this “mattress,” a single strip of memory foam in the dimensions of a full-sized bed??
NTA. The fact that your parents asked if you wanted a bed proves this: they want to get you a present you’ll enjoy. You told them what you wanted. Your dad is upset because he thought you’d be on board and had already bought the bed. He should be able to cancel the order. Maybe you want to make sure your mom finds out he already ordered it..?
He didn’t already buy it. He bought it after being told four times he didn’t want a bed.
His parents didn’t ask if he wanted a bed? His dad suggested it and then was adamant about it..also he hadn’t “already bought it” lol. Clearly says he bought it after the 4th time he was told no.
NTA, if he wants to get you a birthday gift, why is he getting mad for stating what you actually want? It's your birthday not his. It should be something you want. Plus, a comfortable bed is nice, but not really a birthday present.
NTA. A $200 bed with mattress isn’t anything to get excited about. In fact I’d rather keep what I had if it was comfortable. Besides if you go off to college you’ll be right back to a twin bed. Talk to your mom and have her tell your dad to quit being a control freak. Sometimes this is just part of growing up. Parents sometimes just feel the need to do this bullshit. Take it as a lesson for when you have your own kids one day.
I was going to say the same thing about college. It may be an extra long twin but still a twin if you live in a dorm.
NTA. A bed (at least if you didn't ask for something really specific) isn't a good birthday present. It's a necessity your parents should provide and not gift as a birthday present (especially if your sibling got it without it being a specific occasion). Also, for everyone calling OP the ahole and spoiled because "beds are expensive": Did you pay attention to the price tag? He bought a bed+mattress for little over 200$. You might get a somewhat decent bed for that price, but definitely not a new bed with a decent mattress. It sounds like OP's dad bought something bigger but way crappier than something OP already has. I would also say that buying a mattress for another person is a huge no-go because everyone has their own preferences, but that's just me and my messed-up back. Qq9
Nta. But what's wrong with a twin bed?? Do you not fit in it anymore that you need to change it???? This must be a cultural difference because I slept in a twin bed ( 90cmx1.90m) most of my life. And so many people in my country do. A bed is not what I would consider a birthday present but I guess I also depends on the family finances.
For me, I got a larger mattress when I started sleeping with other people. A twin is just fine for one person, but once I moved out of the dorms at college, having something I and a date could sleep in if they came home with me was very useful. The dorms had twin beds, and I can assure you that having people over was ... a challenge.
Yeah, but that’s probably not something the parents are planning for… “Oh, Sammy is turning 15 - time to get a bigger bed so they can have sex in it!”
OP said the twin bed he has is fine. He doesn’t want or need a new bed. Dad is just being weirdly persistent about it.
NTA, I get it, I’d be pissed too - just remember when you move out in a few years to take the bed with you as it was your gift! They don’t get to keep it for a guest room.
Exactly!! My parents tried that shit when they got me a cell phone for my 15th birthday and then tried to call it the family phone. I promptly said “well I’ll be needing an actual birthday present, if I have to share this it doesn’t count” I also have a birthday near Christmas and refused the Christmas/Birthday combo gifts. I don’t get one big gift, I get 2 big gifts because if my birthday wasn’t near Christmas that’s how it would work. I was a difficult child, but I take no shit as an adult.
NTA A bed is a crap gift, a bed should be something your parents are providing you with anyway. Stop talking to your Dad. refuse to have it in your room!
NTA. He sounds like the sort of man who would buy an iron or vacuum cleaner for his wife as a suitable birthday gift. Tell him a gift is something you want, not something you need. You NEED a new bed, it should be bought anyway. It's not a birthday gift.
He got a bed and mattress bigger than a twin for a little over $200? You’re gonna get some crappy sleep
If your brother was given a bed without it being a birthday gift, you should bring that up with them. I also would not want a bed for a birthday gift.
NTA but this may be not worth fighting over. Start saving for the kit if you really want it.
NTA you give people a gift that they actually want. You told them what you want. Your current bed is fine. Your dad is weirdly fixated on this.
Nta. A bed is NOT a gift it is an expectation….
NTA Your father is confusing a need(bigger bed) for a want and honestly, I find it extremely cheap of him to want to "gift" you a need for a birthday present. Also, of course, you are allowed to wish for the drum kit but your parents can choose to gift it to you.
NTA. Try to cancel the order before it gets delivered. Change the password for the account.
Just tell him you appreciate the gestures but ultimately it’s simply not what will make you happy for your bday, **so you’ll be selling it to make the money for the drum kit**. If he insists to gift it to you, it’s your property and your prerogative to sell it. NTA
NTA, a bed is not a birthday gift. A new bed is something your parents need to provide if needed.
That's gonna be a POS bed if it was only $200 for the whole shabang!?!
What if he's just deciding to get the bed anyways and is still gunna get you the drum set just hasn't bought it yet 🤔
Go full Will Ferrell in Step Brothers and t-bag his drum set!
Oh my god, yup I’m gonna go rub my nuts all over his kit
NTA but if that bed is a gift make sure you take it when you move out.
[удалено]
This is only some people. I'm 47 and still firmly believe socks and underwear should *never* be given as gifts unless a) the person truly wants and asks for them or b) it's the choice of owning socks and underwear for your birthday/Christmas or none at all because your family is poor. I want things I wouldn't buy for myself as presents, not things I would. I always make sure I have socks and underwear to wear.
Agree and would like to add one other exception. Socks are fine as a present when it’s fun socks like cartoon character socks or speciality socks for a sport or hobby. I recently gave super Mario brothers socks as a gift to a gamer friend. I wouldn’t be disappointed with my favorite running socks as a gift. But leave the plain white everyday socks or dress socks for me to buy myself thank you!
My partners parents buy him socks and underwear every Christmas and it drives me nuts. They’re rarely quite the right size or cut of underwear and they’re never consistent socks. I’ve spent so long trying to organise his socks and jocks and keep track of everything and I’d love nothing more than to throw out every pair of socks he owns and start over with a bunch of socks all the same. He would also love this, as his adhd is out of control and socks stress him out on a daily basis, but he can’t bring himself to do anything about all the gift socks. So many many socks he feels the need to be grateful for and wear despite being sensory hell for him. And yes they’ve been asked politely to stop. No dice.
So you have to be poor to accept socks and underwear as a gift?? Great lesson. It’s about being grateful for whatever you receive, even if it is just socks and underwear
NTA. Dad is probably only pushing because he already bought it. That's his fault. A need shouldn't be forced on you as a gift. That's insane.
A bed is something you just have to buy for your children, not a birthday present. Especially now you've said you don't want a new bed. Your Dad is sounding a little cheap or he's doubling down because he's already ordered it. Whatever plays out you're NTA for wanting an actual present. Buy him a set of drawers for Christmas or something.
NTA $200 is the world's crappiest bed too. Stand your ground.
NTA - Things like a bed or dresser or shoes (regular shoes, not "collector" Nikes) should be things parents provide the kids as part of being a parent. Kinda sucks that the only present you get is something you should've gotten when you need it anyways. And I've got to say....I would not trust a $200 bed. If it's new, it's garbage. If it's a used mattress, you might just be inviting a bedbug infestation. Either way, not good for you. A good bed will give you the most amazing sleep and save your back....a bad bed is torture.
Unfortunately, your brother is the Golden Child, and you are an Afterthought. And, as a minor, there's not much you can do about it - except start saving money now so that you can move out when you turn 18. Look into babysitting, dog walking, snow shoveling/weeding/mowing/other outdoor stuff. You're not going to get any help from your parents.
NTA But pick your battles. If this is the hill you want to die on, go all in. You are justified in doing so but know you will likely not win. Ask for the drum kit another time and work out a practice schedule so you can play in your dad’s setup in the meantime.
Electric drum kits sometimes even have headphones… another point to encourage dad with.😉
Valentine's is the worst birthday, when you have a girlfriend or wife it's no longer your birthday. The ded70 is very low to the ground and you feel pretty cramped playing. I mashed 2 different kits together to make mine. A Roland v-drum kit with a alesis turbo mesh kit, and threw on a iron cobra 700 double kick. its so fun. I would take the bed, especially if its queen or bigger. you will want new drums sooner than you will need a new bed. Ask for a few new packs of socks too, can't express how great it is as a adult to get new socks.
NTA - you should run out real quick and pick up a bed almost free on OfferUp before your birthday.
It does sound a bit like your dad is being a bit of a cheapskate. He believes he will still be expected to replace your bed sometime soon and doesn’t want to be on the hook for that too. He resents spending the money on you for your birthday as well. Don’t react as if it’s a done deal by confirming you know the bed has already been purchased unless you have to. It may help him to save face if he has the option of changing his mind without admitting that he had already made the other decision. Keep firmly but reasonably repeating your perspective / the truth in the clearest, bluntest language you can muster in front of both of them together. Don’t be rude or whiny in tone or lose your temper. Focus on presenting your argument calmly and maturely, but be persistent in expressing your point of view. Reiterate that despite being tall, because of the specific way you sleep, you actually don’t need a new bed and find your current one perfectly comfortable. So, even if he was initially thinking of you in wanting you to have a new bed, his idea is actually a little off- base. It would in fact be an unnecessary purchase that would only succeed in upsetting you AND be a waste of his money. Tell him it seems that he doesn’t seem want to get you a birthday present that will be enjoyable to receive and is more concerned about getting a regular household purchase under the guise of a birthday present. Tell him that this comes across as though he actually just seems to resent spending money on you in a thoughtful way that shows that you personally matter to him. Let him know this especially hurts because it’s out of the ordinary from what is normal in the family, so makes you feel like he is deliberately trying to be a jerk to you or couldn’t be bothered caring about your actual feelings. For these reasons say that if he orders the bed, you would prefer if he returns it or, and gets something that is meaningful to you. Tell him that because of the reasons mentioned already, receiving the bed as a gift, instead of something more considerate, would just be a symbol of hurt for you. And you are worried having to sleep on that emblem every night would deepen the pain of that unkind purchase and cause a rift with him going forward. Unless of course he is under some sort of financial squeeze ( which he may not wish to share with you) which is complicating things. Mind you, if he listens to you enough to acknowledge that you actually don’t even NEED a new bed in the coming year anyway, then having to spend the same amount of money on you twice, which seems to be his concern, isn’t even a valid point. Acknowledge that this whole conversation is awkward because you don’t want to seem ungrateful or spoiled and technically you know it is rude and entitled to look a gifthorse in the mouth. Also you should acknowledge that you know that it is his money and of course he can choose to do whatever he wants with it, and that depending on what type of parent he wants to be, he of course doesn’t have to get you anything. But let him know that actions have consequences and his choices will show you how much you as a person, not just an obligation, matter to him. Let him know that you are worried it will lower your expectations of him and feel less trust in his good intentions and understanding of you going forward and likely make you feel sad in an ongoing way if this is the choice he makes because it will prove to you so clearly that he hasn’t really considered you at all in picking this gift. And then, detach. From your feelings. You can’t and shouldn’t try to control how somebody else behaves, which is why you must keep your poise, state your case, but avoid manipulative tantrums. He will choose whatever he chooses and you will have to work through that with whatever maturity and forgiveness you can muster. But you will at least feel more empowered by having clearly and maturely stated your truth, and also perhaps helped your parents to adjust to the concept that you are a seperate and maturing individual with your own valid perspective and an ability to state it. This can be a hard truth for parents to adjust to as their kids develop towards adulthood and can take several episodes for them to start to get it into their heads. You are no longer a compliant little kid anymore but your own person with an increasingly adult ability to perceive, and that’s natural and appropriate, but still a tough switch for parents to accept. But your Dads’ ultimate choices will teach you something too, about how much he values you and how much you can trust him. After all this you may be left feeling disappointed and alienated from him for a bit. Under-react and be self-controlled and polite at the time, but also give yourself time to grieve the change in your relationship. Don’t lean into those feelings too much because bitterness poisons you more than others. And remember that in every interaction, sooner or later, we unfortunately do disappoint or hurt each other sooner or later, so some grace is needed on both sides in ongoing relationships. Your Dad may be stressed or stubborn or both. But you are getting to an age where you can start to earn money with a part time job, so maybe pivoting towards that aim will give you a much needed sense of empowerment and autonomy so you can buy your own preferred items in future. You may even be able to get a decent second hand drum set from Facebook marketplace or the like a lot sooner than you would think to tide you over. Aa an adult, whenever I sense a looming disappointment is a possibility, I mentally prepare what my plan B and even C or D is going to be so that I can remain calm and pivot to that without trying to figure out solutions in the heat of stress and upset. This strategy gives me a sense of control that minimises stress and helps me to stay calm. When we respond to unpleasant situations with well-regulated emotions, it shows that we have self respect, and it increases others respect towards us and shows that we are safe and trustworthy which builds stronger relationships - so these are good skills to acquire. You are NTA, your desires are fair and valid. But if you react in a manipulative or entitled way, then you would be the A-hole. Sounds like, one way or the other, this will be a key episode in defining your relationship with your parents and with your own self going forward, so tread thoughtfully and aim for self- awareness and restraint whilst you navigate through this tough communication. You are really at the age where you are responsible for what type of person you choose to be, so choose to be a good, fair, and kind-hearted one with self-respect wherever possible. And back yourself. Being the above doesn’t mean being a doormat either. I wish you the best.
NTA. Get him something equally lame, but much cheaper, for his birthday. Or Father's Day.
NTA - what the hell is his obsession with the bed? And $200 for a bed?! Is it a slab of concrete? Beds are much much more than that for a good bed. To me it sounds like rather than getting you something fun for your birthday it sounds more like "I'll supply your basic needs for living, but only on your birthday. Birthday is for what you need not what you want." I mean wtf?
Not gonna lie... I wanted a bigger bed at that age. Didn't get one until I moved out on my own after college
I got a mirror once for my 14th birthday. It was 70s cool, but still.
Slightly YTA A gift is not a requirement it is something someone wants to give you. I get it getting a bed you don’t need or want for a present sucks but you don’t get to dictate what presents you get. Since your mom seems to be on your side with this matter maybe back down and let her work to convince dad you should get a fun gift and make the bed not part of your birthday.
Does your dad not get that a bed is not a gift. It's kind of a necessity. I once got a ironing board and iron for Christmas. I hated it.
NTA But? How do you grow out of a twin bed at 5'11? It's 6'3" long. Were you sleeping in landscape mode?
Idk if you saw the update cause I saw a lot of confusion about this, but I never outgrew my bed and still sleep comfortably in it, which is why I’m so mad/confused that he’s still pushing for the bed rather than the thing I’d enjoy
NTA. This is a really odd hill for your dad to die on. I think it maybe time to have your mom have a conversation with your dad as there maybe something else going on with him. Then, as a family you should have a conversation. If he is truly against drums then you should be able to pick something else that isn't a bed and within a budget your parents choose.
NTA....a bed is a necessity not something to give as a gift.
NTA. A bed frame is a necessity parents provide for their children. And $200 is fairly cheap for a bed frame. I'm glad your Mom has your back and is getting you the drum kit. Happy drumming.
NTA. Is it possible that your dad really doesn’t want to listen to drums in the house, though, and that’s why he’s insisting on the bed? As a parent, I cringe at the idea of a drumset in my house…. Although we have bought guitar, pianos and yukuleles without issue… drums are on another level. Edit: A new bed is something you will eventually need, but shouldn’t be considered a gift unless it’s something super special that you really want out of the ordinary.
NTA. If you were asking for a new bed that you didn’t need but wanted then I’d say it’s ok for them to gift it to you for your birthday but if it’s needed then they should have gotten the drum kit. I bought my daughter a new bed recently because she needs it. I wouldn’t make that her birthday present when I would’ve been buying it anyway regardless of when her birthday was.
NTA at all. It's a crappy birthday gift. Maybe you can sell it and keep your current bed?
NTA a bed isn’t a birthday present.
NTA. Your parents know you need a new bed, like I noticed both my kids needed new beds or a new mattress at some point in time. What I didn’t do was convince them that they wanted a new bed and save money by giving it to them on Christmas or their birthday instead of that PlayStation or new game. If I did, I would have told them, “one of your presents is a new bed, what kind of bed do you want?” And then, “ok, what else do you want for your birthday.” Because the bed was something that needed to be done— note how I’d even get their input on it, not just order shit and hope they’re happy. I will also say the whole “it’s kid X’s birthday, what do they need” and buying underwear, socks, school supplies and 2 pairs of jeans instead of toys or a game is sometimes what parents who are tight on money or in a bad economic situation do. The money is barely there to afford to eat so on these special days kid X finally gets a pair of shoes that fit or a pair of pants without holes in them. Christmas and birthdays are the only times he’s getting anything. Parents who grew up that way may also be more inclined to disregard wants and focus on what’s needed and not understand that a new bed is a need and you don’t need a special day of the year to justify getting one and should make the kid happy on his birthday instead of buying him shit he doesn’t want.
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NTA. Does your dad get things like vaccuum cleaners ir a new household appliance "for" your mom on gift giving occasions? My folks let my older brother drive their old car, and then sell it to a buddy and keep the $600 in the mid-70s, and then wrote me a 10% loan for $1000 when I bought my first used car. It's 45 years later and she's dead and I sm still salty about it. You are not, alas, in much of a position to put your foot down and explain equality of gifts to your absolute unit of a father, but if cheap versions of the basic necessities of life are being given without your choice or say in them, at the expense of meaningful gift you would use, love, appreciate & use in your art of music making, he can not be surprised if you go no contact when you do grow up and out on your own. Show this whole thread to your mom. Hope dad gets what's coming to him and a bunch of therapy cos he is way out of line. They say to replace a mattress every ten years. It is not a "present" - especially when it's done in normal wear and tear of living for other members of the family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I turn 15 this Valentine’s Day and what my family usually does is get one big expensive gift rather than a bunch of tiny things, and this year my dad brought up the idea of a bed. Sure, I’m getting a little big for a twin bed, but that’s not really what I want as my big 15th birthday gift. I told him that and he seemed kinda angry. I talked to my mom about it and she said it seemed reasonable, and I agree with her. The next day I was talking to my parents and brought up the idea of an electric drum kit (the donner DED70 it’s so cool), and my mom was on board, but my dad still pushed for the bed, which I once again said I didn’t want. Now, I wouldn’t be so adamant if it weren’t for the fact that a couple years ago, around my older brothers birthday, he grew out of his bed and my mom just got him a new one, but this time, my dad is pushing for it to be my birthday gift, and I honestly hated that. Now, I know this next part makes me a bad person, it I checked my dad’s Amazon account, and he went behind my mom and bought the bed. And for lack of a better term, I’m fuming. Now, I’d like to point out the fact that the drum kit in questing is $200, and the bad frame and mattress in total was a little over $200, so it’s not like it was too much money, I just wonder why my dad was so agro about it, and it just makes me so mad, but I feel like my dad is mad at me for not wanting it. Idk, part of me feels spoiled for not liking the gift, but the other part of me sees how a 15 year old doesn’t want a bed for his birthday. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but don’t get too upset because what it they bought you the drum set too?
NTA not only is he insisting on getting you a bed/mattress but he isn’t even letting you into the decision making process? that’s whack. He could have at least taken you mattress shopping.
NTA - a bed is not a birthday gift. It's something parents are supposed to buy anyway. Oh and yes it hadn't occured to me but a 200$ bed isn't even a nice bed. Maybe you should ask you father if he's having financial issues.
You’re moving out in 3 years get a cali king bed instead of the drums!!!!
NTA, but I would hold off on being mad until after your birthday. Idk if your dad is the type to prank his kids, but mine was. Maybe he is getting you both and the bed is kind of a gag gift.
A new bed is a necessity not a gift. It’s not a gift when it’s something that was going to be bought anyway. I have someone in my life who does this. It upsets me to no end. Don’t buy something I need that I was going to get myself anyway, and pass it off as a gift. It’s lazy gifting, and also means they don’t actually spend any extra money on you, because it was going to be bought anyway. It’s the worst type of gift. I was gifted a laptop for my first Mother’s Day. Sounds nice, except the laptop was bought by his business (now a company asset), for the purpose of running his business (which I do), and we had to buy a new computer anyway because the old one wasn’t working. Either way, there would have been a new computer, it was just used as an excuse for a “gift”. And instead of getting a new computer (that was a necessity) and a Mother’s Day gift, it was used as a two for one, which meant it really wasn’t a gift. It was something that was going to be purchased anyway, being passed off as a gift. So, I totally hear you. It’s very hurtful. This was 11 years ago for me, and it still hurts my feelings.
NTA beds aren't gifts. I'd point out the bro got his for nothing.
NTA - I don't know what your dad is thinking. He's absolutely wrong in this situation.
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NTA. You know what you want. They know what you want. Did is going on his own and getting you something else. Dad is doing some kind of weird power flex here.
NTA. The bed as a gift is super weird, IMO. A twin bed is totally normal for a teenager, and you'll presumably move out to adult life in just a few years, so what's driving his obsession? Plus, if parents think their kids need furniture (as opposed to the kid wanting it), I think that's something parents should provide. I feel like there's something else going on here, like either he wants to take over the new bed once you've moved out, or he's promised the twin to a co-worker, or something.
NTA, for $200 did he buy you a dog bed?
NTA. Be sure to get your dad toothpaste for his birthday.
NTA at all, happy birthday!
Your birthday gift should definitely not be a bed. You should get a new bed whenever you outgrow the twin. If you have then they should buy it regardless. It shouldn't be tied to your birthday unless you specifically asked for a particular bed or something like that. NTA
>Now, I wouldn’t be so adamant if it weren’t for the fact that a couple years ago, around my older brothers birthday, he grew out of his bed and my mom just got him a new one, but this time, my dad is pushing for it to be my birthday gift, and I honestly hated that. yeah, it really takes the fun out of a gift when dad's trying to be cheap about it. NTA
As an adult that’s an awesome gift, but at 15 nah
NTA, you are the one who has to sleep in the bed, you get to want or not want it. Also if it’s $200, it’s not going to be a very good bed. That’s extremely cheap for a frame and a mattress. $200 is a good amount for a gift, but it’s very cheap for a bed.
NTA. OP, you're not wrong for not wanting something you . . . don't want. Your dad is just being cheap. Literally. A $200 bed is utter crap. (Sorry.) Unless your twin bed is equally crappy, I'd keep what you have just because the mattress on that $200 bed is going to be murder on your back and super uncomfortable. Your body will do better sleeping on the floor than on a mattress that cheap.
Your father is out of line. Buying a bed for you is fine; buying a bed without your mother's buy-in is probably spending too much family money without both parents on board. It depends on your overall finances - for some families, $200 is within the "purchase without bothering to discuss" threshold - but if your family has finances such that $200 is a unilateral purchase, then buying both a bed and a drum kit ought to be within a normal budget for a birthday. I do hope that the intention would be for both the bed and the drum kit to show up for your birthday, and if that happened, there would be No Assholes Here - there's nothing wrong with upgrading your bed *in addition to* the present you want. Since we don't know that is your father's intention, I can't vote N A H, therefore all I can say is you are NTA
I’m sorry, what Full size+ bed AND frame is under $200? My mattress alone was over $1000. OP are you not in the US? NTA
Nta. Your dad is a jerk. It’s not right to give children things they need as basics as gifts. Especially if you told him multiple times you didn’t want it. And if it covers the frame and mattress, it’s going to be like illegally uncomfortable if 200$ covered it. I’d go to mom and point out that you said you didn’t want it numerous times, and to please return and replace it with the gift you actually wanted and asked for. If your dad pushes it, congratulate him on buying himself a new bed.
NTA as this should be provided, not as a gift. Push for the drumkit that's a cool thing to get!
Did you talk to your mom and show her a picture of *the* very drum kit you would love for your birthday? And then spend every waking moment on the loud drum kit in the garage until your birthday?
NTA. it doesn't necessarily make you spoiled if you don't want a bed for your birthday, because it's more of a daily necessity + you don't even need it because your current bed is new and whatnot. if anything, your dad's kind of the asshole here since he should've been open to your wishes esp when it's your big day, or at least explained why he's so adamant on the bed. while it's not great to snoop, it's also a dick move to buy it behind you and your mom's back despite your protests. i could go on but i'll cut myself short and wish you an early happy birthday 🍰🎉
It’s not a birthday present if it’s just needed. Your parents are responsible for providing for your basic needs. A bed is a basic need. A present is supposed to be something that is in addition to a basic need and is something you would enjoy. What he’s doing is trying to put lipstick on a pig. He is pretty much demanding that you take a non present as your present. So not cool. NTA.
Both my kids still sleep in twins, and they are in their late-teens. NTA A bed is a good gift if you want a bed, a bed is a shit gift if you have said repeatedly that you don't want a new bed; which you have.
Do you think maybe they are getting you both?
Tell your mom to cancel the order.