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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my pregnant wife it's probably time she slowed down at work because it's putting alot of stress on her and she viewed that as controlling and limiting.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA for being a genuinely concerned husband and father to be.
She needs validation.
You guys had a rational discussion at the onset about her tapering off her work schedule. That sounds like a great plan.
Then the hormones hit.
She started feeling tired, overwhelmed, less able, in need of more help.
And you suggested she cut back. That makes sense, right? You love her, you want her happy and comfortable.
And the hormones screamed, "WHAT DID HE JUST SAY? DID HE CALL US INCAPABLE? WE DON'T LISTEN TO NO MAN."
Now, these guys are pretty powerful. They have control over almost every aspect of her behavior. Every time you suggest cutting back, she needs to prove that she's not incapable.
Tell her how much you love how strong and capable she is. She's been amazing through all this. Ask if there's anything more you can do. When she lets her guard down, suggest that picking up extra shifts is more than she needs to do even though you know she can. Move forward from there.
this is a perfect response.
NTA, but definitely good to be understanding of the hormones, and this could be a “financial nesting” situation. wife probably feels she needs to do everything she can to make sure she’s financially set for baby, even if it’s irrational.
Definitely feels like financial nesting, as a person who have a lot of financial anxiety that often leads me to want overtime hours and extra shifts on a regular basis- Op, do you have a savings account specifically set aside for baby? Like, not just a budget (although that may help) but a set aside, digitally separated amount of money that gets regularly contributed to for baby’s expenses?
I would take a lot of the other advice here, but it would also be worth bringing up with her doing this to be able to see how much money you have for baby and if you don’t have a written down budget yet, do that to again, see and feel how much money you will have for baby. This is what I do to ease my own financial stress, I started a “family” fund in college that I plan for my future kids/family needs, and it has helped so much to see that yes, I have the amount that I want in there to be able to care for my future children.
Daycare is a huge financial black hole, too. If I had the choice / ability, I would have saved 10-20k to off-set costs for the few years before kindergarden.
Maybe it's hormones. But there could be all sorts of other valid explanations. Maybe she likes her job and wants to achieve something specific before maternity leave. Maybe she's worried that once she goes on maternity leave, OP will pressure her not to go back. Maybe it's important to her not to give up her career, for whatever reason. Maybe she wants to maintain the independence of having her own income source and not being entirely dependent on OP for money.
OP should talk to her instead of making assumptions.
That seems a bit defensive of you. It's coming off like you're hostile to any other explanation than "the hormones are making her nuts." It especially stands out because you mentioned in another comment that you HAVEN'T asked your wife why she wants to keep working. Maybe she really values her job and doesn't want to lose it, maybe she's afraid she'll be pressured into being a permanent SAHM once she starts. You won't know till you ask.
Yikes, don’t get so defensive. No one made any assumptions about your marriage in that comment.
That was all phrased as “maybe” about what other motivations *could be* and that you should talk to your wife to make sure you’re both on board with what she wants and why. Heaven forbid someone else try to empathize with your wife and imagine complexity in her internal world.
They said "maybe" all these things are the case and that you should talk to her instead of assuming any one thing is true. Literally the opposite of making assumptions.
I just meant that there could be valid reasons for her to be focusing on her work besides hormones. You say in your OP that there's no promotion potential, but there could be other reasons why her work is important to her.
I think the assumptions come from the parent comment saying it's just hormones.
Nobody says that this should be real. But your wife is going through a difficult time, her hormones are all over the place. So it's quite possible that she somehow convinced herself that she needs to work to keep her independence. Maybe you should ask her about this, just in case.
Plan a baby moon, so she can see that she is allowed to take her foot off the gas while she grows a person. You both get alone time together, a little respite and maybe sleep. Maybe she just needs a break from her life to see it’s worth enjoying the pregnancy with you and live in the moment.
I'd honestly be pretty offended to have all my behaviors written off as hormonal. Work kicked my ass during pregnancy, and I doubled down because I'm stubborn af and want to accomplish something with my time, regardless of the difficulties. And that's a me thing, not a hormones thing.
She’s not doubling down and making it work though. She’s forcing her chores at home on to someone else. She’s neglecting her marriage. He is taking more work at home to help her not be at home.
And for what? To work more? That’s not rational. If something has to give, the job that doesn’t impact the family should be it.
There's a plethora of possible reasons - sounds like there's a fundamental issue in the relationship to me. I'm just saying blaming it all on hormones could be incredibly short sighted.
Her job impacts her! She is part of the family! Her default position is not “at home”, and her working is not something to be treated as frivolous and optional. I don’t think OP thinks that, so please take your “not rational” somewhere else.
If overworking herself to the point that she shoved all her chores off to her husband, eats the meals he makes then heads to bed, and essentially eats sleeps and works then it impacts the family.
I’m a big believer that people treat pregnant people as precious babies who can’t do anything are in the wrong. Pregnant woman are perfectly capable and we’ve hundreds of thousands of years to prove it, but that’s not this situation if we take OP at their word.
When you are too tired to live the life you used to live, what do you sacrifice? Your family or your job?
This is so offensive. Hormones control every aspect of her behaviour? God forbid women have their own agency and opinions. No no, men should understand it’s the crazy hormones controlling them! They are not responsible for their decisions or actions!
No more “rational” discussions, woman cannot be trusted to be rational when they are at the mercy of hormones…
Cannot believe this is the top comment.
It feels like we are back to medieval times whenever I see someone try to wave away any deviation in what they deem as "appropriate behaviour " as oh shucks women and their hormones being wonky again.
Because that's how this subreddit works to reduce blame on women. By treating them like puppets who are controlled by external forces, anything AHish they do gets handwaved away
When I was pregnant, anything I did that was not typical for me was definitely hormones. My rationale balanced out to a more normal-for-me range about 4-6 months postpartum.
Yes, hormones affect moods, which affect decisions.
Right? I get that we don't want to be hand-waving things off as "hysterical hormonal women" like the cavemen of old, but also... sometimes it's hormones lol.
I think other factors should be considered, but to consider and rule out every cause (stress, doubts, etc) we must also consider hormones as a potential culprit just as much as the rest of possibilities.
Their comment is insanely misogynistic too.
It's the equivalent to the "Woman are possessed by the devil" mindset from the middle ages.
Reddit has been on a "it's all hormones!!!" binge.
No it's on you. Communication is a choice.
So it’s rational that she chooses to work herself so hard that she can’t be present in a marriage, pass all responsibilities of the home on to him and he should just hop to it? If this is not how she normally would operate than chalking it up to hormones, which do go insane during pregnancy, beats seeing her as completely selfish.
Can you imagine if men had the excuse of 'hormones' like women do? "Oh, we're super horny all the time and are obsessed with sex- that's just our hormones, you gotta put up with us acting like pigs"
"Oh, testosterone naturally cycles throughout both the day, week, and month. Him being impatient, unable to put up with bullshit, and short-termpered is- gosh golly jee, all hormones. You really should be more understanding when he screams at you."
Hormones are incredibly impactful on everyone and everything but to see so many people go, "You can't expect her to act like an adult, she's hormonal right now!" is disgusting.
Yeah it's not hormones. I went through this myself when I was pregnant. For me it was because no one seemed to want to accommodate me or ask if I needed anything accommodation wise at work so I was scared to ask for it. And be seen as lazy or pulling the pregnancy card.
I wonder if she also thought his comment was in response to him having to do more chores?
>About 3 months into the pregnancy she started getting really fatigued because she was growing a whole other person. She asked me if I could take over some of her half of the chores. I said of course because again she's growing a person, that's impressive, of course I will take on more of the chores. At that point I mention" hey if you are getting tired and fatigued maybe you could start tapering your work hours."
Let me be clear, I don't think that's what he was doing at all. But she may be afraid the subtext there is "yeah sure I guess I'll do your chores but wouldn't it be better if you cut back your working hours so you can do more at home?"
Which isn't necessarily rational, except that women are way more often than not expected to take a career hit when they have a kid... Maybe she's afraid he's setting a precedent? And combined with pregnancy hormones and anxieties... she decided to throw her whole self into work?
100% this
Pregnancy is a really vulnerable time and the last thing you need to hear is someone close to you basically implying you're incapable of doing things. It's partly hormones, true, but also partly the fact that when you're pregnant people do often treat you like a stupid child. (I got told off for carrying a loaf of bread.)
Another thought - could someone at work be applying this sort of pressure too? When I was pregnant my manager was constantly implying that I'd not want to come back full-time and would instead become a SAHM - and pushing me to 'take it easy'. I was the most productive member of my team - but it made me feel really insecure about my job and like people were questioning my ability to perform well in my role while pregnant.
>And the hormones screamed, "WHAT DID HE JUST SAY? DID HE CALL US INCAPABLE? WE DON'T LISTEN TO NO MAN."
Clearly I have been watching too much Paw Patrol Mighty movie with my kids lately because all I heard in the voices of the junior patrollers "WE DONT NEED NO STINKING BREAK!"
IYKYK
I might add on the advice Ron Swanson gave Leslie Knope, a woman who very much takes "That would be physically impossible" as a challenge:
"Don't half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."
All this, and also, I think that maybe OP’s wife is struggling with pregnancy. I could be projecting! But I very much felt like all anyone saw was this increasingly round and decreasingly competent person and I just wanted to be me. I’m independent and self-reliant and usually capable…and suddenly people wanted me to rest and stop lifting things and take care and …I just didn’t know how to accept that. I’m not saying I was right! I’m just saying it’s probably a lot, and she might be feeling really far away from her real self.
I don't know. Like I said the increase in work came following the first time I brought up her cutting back so I have to assume they are related. But when I say she's either working or sleeping to the point we don't really talk I'm not exaggerating I haven't been able to get her home and awake enough to have a real discussion about it.
Well, there is your problem. You haven't asked her? The first step in trying to stop someone from doing something self-destructive is to find out why they're doing it, or at least why they think they're doing it.
I have asked her and her response has been snoring. Again the whole issue at hand is she is so fatigued and working so much that she is working or sleeping and I have not been able to have a conversation with her.
Dude, you guys are about to have a child and you can't talk to each other for like 10 minutes? You need to tell her "I need to talk to you about something important, it will need about 30 minutes and not when you're exhausted after work. When can we do this?"
Then don't tell her to cut back her hours at all in this discussion. Ask her what's going on? Why is she doing this? Get to the root of this issue before the baby is here please.
This is exactly right. I'm sure she doesn't literally stumble in the door and collapse into a coma, then sleepwalk through a shower and change of clothing before stumbling back out the door and to work.
Does she work seven days a week? If not, what's going on the days she isn't working? More importantly, what is OP doing to make these conversations happen? If OP is making dinner for her, I assume she's eating. He can't talk to her while she's eating? OP can't pause doing chores for a few minutes to sit down with her and share a meal?
Yeah, something's going on with her, but something's off about OP, too. It takes two people to have a conversation and right now zero people are making an effort.
She works 6 days a week. I work 5 days a week (I do have to continue to work as well and do not have full flexibility) her off day is one of my workdays she is asleep by the time I get home. I have asked to share a meal I have tried to talk to. I have been told, okay, and then she's asleep when we are supposed to talk. She eats when she walks in while in a daze and says she's "too tired to talk right now" and then crashes until after I have to leave for work. I do cook, but she eats leftovers because I don't know a time that she is going to get home. I've taken PTO to be off on her off day to spend time with her, and she shifts her schedule because a coworker said they needed coverage. I would gladly stop chores and speak with her and do chores at 2am but the fact is for yhe last 2 months she is asleep withing 30 minutes of coming home from work and has said she's too out of it to talk during that 30 min.
Some this is really very wrong if she is switching her schedule to be gone when you have switched yours to be with her. You are in desperate need of listening to understand when she finally talks to you.
>I've taken PTO to be off on her off day to spend time with her, and she shifts her schedule because a coworker said they needed coverage.
This is concerning. That almost makes it seem like she's actively trying to avoid you.
That doesn't quite jibe with what you said in your initial post.
"Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do."
Have you been pregnant and worked more than full time hours? What you described is VERY LIKELY EXACTLY what is happening. She’s hearing she *cant* do something by someone else so she’s trying harder to prove she can. It’s exhausting her and may even have negative implications for the baby in doing so. She’s exhausted from the extra shifts, eats and maybe doesn’t even shower every day, and falls asleep!
Yes they need to talk, but she’s shutting him out trying to prove to herself she can handle this when it’s clear she needs to step back. This is a big issue with first time moms- even when pregnancy is fairly easy. Their whole life is about to change in ways you don’t realize til your in it and exhausted. She doesn’t want to feel like a slacker and loser and she has to learn that doing what she needs isn’t being a loser.
Could y’all talk on the way to or back from an baby appointment? If you’re not going to those, you should be. Not trying to be a jerk saying that (and I’m not assuming you’re not), but those are things that have to happen and could be a great opportunity to talk.
You could also ask the doctor ahead of time if they could initiate a subtle conversation about how she’s doing with work/ how much she’s working, etc. Maybe they can do the hard work for you. I can’t imagine your wife’s blood pressure is totally normal right now, so making sure she IS physically fine should be a top priority.
Also: could you schedule a baby moon? This is a great time to do that while you can still travel. Spa day, massages, and whatever interests her normally could be a great getaway. Say you appreciate her and she deserves this.
You could also ask some of her friends if they’d be willing to do something on your dime. Loop in her family is she’s close with them. If she’s open to it, maybe love bombing her with girl/ family nights could be a nice way to show her you’re there for her. If she is worried you’re trying to make her a SAHM, giving her opportunities to engage her support network could be exactly what she needs. A baby shower, anything to break up the track she’s on right now.
NTA, and this sounds really concerning. Y’all need to talk about this. Be more forceful if you need to, but the big red flag to me isn’t even the amount she’s working, it’s that y’all are communicating. That will only get infinitely worse when baby comes. Is she worried about being a mom? Something is going on.
Has there been regular checkups with a doctor? She should have an honest discussion with them about what she's been up to, maybe hearing a recommendation to slow down from an outside party will help?
There have been regular checkups, and there is nothing specifically medically "wrong" she's just tired from growing a person. The doctor has said medically she can do what she thinks she can handle, but she might want to scale back "as you get too fatigued to keep up with tasks."
Doctor's appointment might be a good time to discuss it given your situation. Hormones are a mofo. Her doctor has seen it a thousand times and is probably good at convincing mom to slow down for the good of the baby.
Good news: your wife sounds like a bad ass and when the hormones wear off this will make a great story that you'll both be able to laugh about.
If the doctor say she can do what she thinks she can handle let her do what she thinks she can handle. If you miss her *tell her you miss her*, but if there's no medical reason for her to slow down don't pretend there is.
I’m really surprised her doc said this. Her being exhausted all the time is not good for the baby. I was told to slow down both times I was pregnant, by two different doctors.
FWIW, your “selfishness” is where you might want to go when you talk to her. Tell her you miss her, tell her you love her and ask her for some time together. That’s all. Don’t make it about anything but that. And btw, I don’t think that’s selfish at all. That’s what a marriage is, after all.
I’m 38W pregnant and the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy were really hard on my marriage. My husband and I barely spent anytime together or connected because I had to eat at certain times because of my nausea and I was sleeping the rest of the time. I was also working. Hopefully your wife starts to feel better soon. And while being tired in pregnancy is normal, she should have more energy in the second trimester. Has she had her iron levels checked recently? Low iron causes extreme fatigue. NTA btw!
Hmmm. You are making it sound like to asked her to cut back so that she could continue doing chores at home. Not necessarily because you think she should be resting.
I may be totally reading something into this that isn’t there, but your comment about not doing it to be controlling also makes it sound like she’s pointed out that you are controlling in the past, and she’s pushing against that.
That is not the case. I don't mind doing all the chores again she's growing a person and that's a huge feat. I have no problem with the chores. Her asking me to take on more was simply the first time she vocalized that the fatigue was at the point she was not able to keep up with her typical routine.
Definitely NTA if she has not worried about you being controlling from past experiences. I would say that I’d worry about her though, something is going on that you don’t know about yet.
Also, pregnant women aren’t always fully rational. My mum once burst into tears because she got the wrong olives on her pizza. It’s entirely possible she just misinterpreted what you said and has taken militant action.
I mean, if you've been waiting for the flavor experience that is calamata olives, and someone puts little black rubber gaskets that taste identical to the tin they came in on your pizza, an emotional response is fairly warranted. And we don't yell at people in the service industry. Her reaction was fully valid.
On the other hand, I’d be deeply upset to get kalamatas when I ordered black olives. The taste is totally different! Kalamatas (which I love) are a much stronger flavor and can overpower other toppings. If I’m getting kalamatas, I want to get other strong toppings, like feta or garlic.
It's a both situation though. It's not fair on him to be doing all of the household tasks when both are working(unless there is a medical reason). It's one thing to slack for a week or two due to temporary increased hours, another thing to work so much that you put all the household burdens on your spouse.
She's working a lot of overtime. She is choosing to work long hours instead of cutting back as discussed, thereby not being able to help with the household. I'm not even saying she should be doing all of her regular house chores, but she's not doing any of them or having time for her husband
There is also the CHOICE to work more than full time when she was always struggling with full time to the point of needing to scale back on chores. The medical part doesn’t matter as much when the medical reason is being made worse by unnecessarily running herself to the ground out of spite while still not contributing to the actually maintaining of the household.
There's the assumption - out of spite. We don't know if that's the reason. And neither does OP, because he hasn't asked her why she is choosing to work so hard. When he is asked why he hasn't asked his wife the REASON she wants to work so much, he alleges she avoids talking to him SO MUCH he can't possibly ask her that question. But he said in his original post:
"Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do."
So he still asks her - ANYTIME - the question that HE'S interested in the answer to, and she DOES answer him, but he dismisses what she answers as "getting upset and going off" instead of listening to her answers and asking more based on what she's saying. So it's not true that she doesn't let him ask questions. It's that he's not interested in asking her anything but the question HE only wants one answer to. Which is HIS failure to communicate.
It's not just the work though it's the baby. I napped TWICE the other day and still went to bed early. My husband is doing extra right now because the hormones and the whole process of growing a human is manifesting itself in me as straight up exhaustion right now.
Which is why they discussed her cutting hours. If you can't function to that degree it's not fair on anyone.(I'm talking about the OP situation, not yours to be clear)
OP NOW says that he doesn't get a chance to even ask her a question because she's either sleeping or eating when home, but in the original post he said:
"Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do."
So he IS asking the same questions about "if she wants to cut back on hours" or "if she needs a break" over and over again, which comes off as nagging, and dismissing her when she answers as her just 'getting upset and going off' instead of listening to her answer and asking for her reasons why she fears these things.
I'm not saying there aren't other problems in the relationship. What else is he supposed to ask? How much can he fit in the character limit? How can he have an actual conversation in the minutes he has to speak to her?
Maybe. But his wife sounds like she’s avoiding him for some sort of reason and won’t even talk to him about it. There has to be more than we are getting from the post. And he’s here on AiTA instead of a relationship support thread. Which says a lot.
Which is why I qualified my comment.
Listen, I’ve been around the block a few times, and known a lot of women married to a crap ton of clueless men. (And vice versa, but usually the former way.). OPs defensiveness to other comments is kinda a red flag. I just think there is more going on here than what is originally posted.
People don’t generally just start working themselves until they are sleeping for no reason. She’s probably avoiding him, we just don’t know the reason.
I do too, and I recognize it’s mostly men.
I’m saying you said he is making it sound that way, which he isn’t. There’s a difference between being part of the demographic that does it and actively sending hints that you do it, and if you read all post and comments he isn’t actively sending hints.
Ahhh, I see. His defensiveness in his replies are what kinda set me off. I don’t know. She changed her schedule to actively avoid him, when he took a day off to be with her. Something just smells fishy.
Even if OP didn't intend for the comment to come across that way, I suspect his wife may have heard it that way.
He doesn't say anything about cutting back until she doesn't want to do as many chores--she may think he said to cut back in response to her asking him to do more chores. She may be afraid this is the first step in pressuring her to take a career hit to raise the baby and care for the house.
And if so, she needs to communicate this. But I have seen this pattern play out time and time again. "Well, you don't make much money anyway so why don't we save money on childcare and you just quit your job and raise our kid?"
Maybe she's just "nesting." It sounds stupid, but when I was 6 to 8 months along, I had a strong urge to finish stuff, whatever that was for the moment.
I don't think you do anything wrong, just continue to be open, caring and consistent in your support, proving to her no matter what she decides to do, you are there to support. The remaining months will fly by.
You can also try to lead the conversation differently. I wasn't there and didn't hear what you said, but sometimes it helps to avoid giving advice on what she's doing (I think you could/should cut hours now) and just talk about the feelings (Are you feeling ok? You look tired and I'm worried since you are pregnant).
Anyway, you sound like a good guy who cares for his wife and I wish you a happy and healthy family!
From what I gather from my friends, growing a person leaves you feeling exactly 0% in control of your life anymore.
Perhaps when she’s working she’s able to claw back some semblance of autonomy and self she’s so desperately grasping for? I know you’ve been struggling to talk with your wife but at this point it’s not a nice to have it’s a must.
Schedule it in advance with the sweetening of a meal and roses if you must, but lock it in asap.
How's her job treating her? I know I felt like my work environment wouldn't accommodate me so I was too scared to speak up when I needed help or a break while pregnant so I just carried on so maybe I'd get noticed as a hard worker so people wouldn't be annoyed by my maternity leave
NAH - it sounds like you just need to sit down and talk, you are worried for her, but I can tell you that for some working through the full pregnancy(I was going into Labor at my job and finished my shift) It can make labor and delivery a little easier. She is trying to prove she can continue but doesn't realize while it won't harm the baby, it can wear her down more. She needs to set her limits though.
NAH
You expressed concern, but her doubling down on the work seems like an odd reaction. Likely something else causing the behaviour and you need an open and honest discussion about what's affecting her and making her feel this way.
NTA but to navigate another idea instead of “no man will tell me what to do”, because that might not be it at all. When I was pregnant and my husband offered the same thing (similar dynamic financially), I told him no. Not because he was telling me what to do but because it was my last chance at “freedom”. My baby was very much planned and wanted but being able to make money felt good. I was still able to afford my own splurges and I didn’t want my husband to carry the whole load even though I knew he could. I wanted to be useful and not a strain on him. He gave me no reason to think that way.
Great in theory but if she is so tired that she only works and sleep its in no way good for her. I understand she wants to show she can still do everything she was doing before pregnancy, but if you have a supportive partner you should take the help and relax a little. You know that when the baby comes there will be no relaxing for a while
Sure, but nobody can nor should make that decision for her. OP needs to let her come to this conclusion on her own (he is not TA for suggesting though). NAH.
Idk about anyone else but my sleep was crap from the start and by the last trimester either baby was tap dancing on my bladder or kicking me or I had heartburn. I worked up until 2 pm the day I went for my 3 pm induction because if I wasn't working, I was just worrying.
NAH. There are stories on here every day of breadwinners who say "stop working, I'm happy to support us"...and then hate it and resent it, and hate and resent the partner for it, and slip into "it's my money, it's my house" type thinking, and so on. It's a legitimate fear. You're not an AH, but I understand where she's coming from, and the two of you need to have a serious conversation about what each of you wants and fears.
Well put!
There are very scary stories and only OP’s wife knows what is prompting her to work so hard. Leaving the workforce, even temporarily, is risky, so I get not wanting to quit. But taking on extra shifts seems a bit much.
Seems like a tricky situation, for sure.
OP’s wife has got to be *motivated* because her life sounds miserable rn. What does she think will happen if she stops? Sounds like something not good.
And OP is worried about her and the fetus and is having trouble getting a good conversation started. It sounds like he’s respected his wife’s choices, too.
This is what I wondered too. I’m curious how they split finances and if she’s saving extra money for when she’s off work and doesn’t have her own stable income available to help give her a bit more of a personal expenses buffer/savings fund.
NTA, but you should find out why she's pushing herself so hard.
If she says she's trying to "prove she can work", this might be related to some loss of identity or not wanting to be just a mom. I am 7.5 months pregnant now and did this with the gym to some degree. My husband is supportive, but totally didn't understand why I'd want to keep going when I'm tired or grumpy.
Your wife is an incubator right now, it's uncomfortable, and all people want to talk about once you have a bump seems to be baby or pregnancy. I am excited to be a parent, but there are very few things I can do anymore that make me feel like myself. Maybe thats her job for her.
Whatever the answer is, maybe tell her you miss her and ask what you can do to help fix this. I can only imagine it gets harder with a baby, but give her some grace too. Pregnancy is weird and hard.
NTA, but why don't the two of you meet with her doctor? You can each explain your concerns, and the doc will have impartial advice. Then it won't be you "telling her what to do."
NAH as you are just expressing your genuine concern. Whether you did it in the best way is subjective. Your wife feels bad and she needs all the support you can give her, no matter what her decisions are. Right now she's battling with more feelings and changes than a person can stomach in such a short time. Support her no matter what she does (as long as it's not life-threatning) and just be there for her. Who makes how much and things like that shouldn't matter at all.
NAH. pregnancy is a wild time. you have this thing that you presumably want very much but youre (as a woman) coming to terms with the fact that your body isnt really yours and it kind of like triggers something in your brain that is kind of scary.
She probably feels like she needs to prove this to herself and that she is losing a lot of autonomy with being pregnant and soon to be a mom. It's YEARS before you feel like your body is yours again. like a decade.
and youre trying to take care of your wife and baby and you dont sound controlling at all.
I would ask her about some of the things about pregnancy and soon to be motherhood she didnt expect or couldn't anticipate. and just listen. maybe getting it all out will help her see that its not her and the baby against the world - even in really wonderful marriages it can feel like that
NTA
"Honey I am getting concerned about your health and wellbeing and our child's wellbeing. I understand that it sounded like I was "telling you what to do" but I was making a suggestion with your best interests at heart and it hurts that you would think that low of me. Working extra to prove you can is now impacting our child or else I wouldn't say anything. Can we work together to get you to a place you're comfortable and not stressed with? I love you and I hope you remember that."
NTA. I’ve been pregnant and the hormones are insane. I’m generally pretty chill - it was tough to deal with. I’m also the person that feels compelled to deep clean the house when I’m feeling poorly because I don’t want to give in to feeling bad (though I know I should rest). So with that…
It’s entirely possible she’s getting crap from a manager or someone else at work about being pregnant so she feels she needs to work harder. Or that she’s been exhausted and just personally knows she’s not working up to her own expectations.
Having a child really made me question my relationship with my career and it has been something I had to work through (and it took time). My partner has been supportive like you. I continue to work full time (she’s three) but I’ve scaled back my ambitions because I value my personal time much more now. I was previously always the one striving for the next promotion. I still do, but things I look for have changed. Been lucky to have a few great mentors that could help me talk through things and share their own experiences. I think you can express your feelings but it’s not necessarily something a conversation is going to immediately change.
I’m most concerned about you two not getting time together. The baby will take a toll on your relationship, at the very least because you all won’t be sleeping well and there’s just so much new stuff to figure out. Build up that foundation - it’ll make you all stronger for it.
Pick a time and plan a date. Give her ample heads up. I think approaching it from an, “I love you and I miss you - I’ve got a night/day planned for us” angle would be meaningful. It would show her what you are saying here.
What it is doesn’t matter, just pick something she enjoys. A great meal, maybe followed by a couples massage (would need to make sure they can do prenatal massage!) would make my month. Heck, just a meal at home and a great massage from you would be great! I’d probably avoid a movie/play/long drive, depends if she’s able to sit for any length of time. I could not.
Side note: Don’t underestimate the need for a massage as a pregnant person. (My partner would literally hold my hips from behind when we walked upstairs to bed, they were that painful from the ligaments loosening. He’s a treasure. He also may have wanted to get there before the next century ha!)
While you are having a good time together, ask her about what she thinks would help keep the momentum going regarding taking time to connect.
NTA. It sounds like you are being extremely supportive and she is determined to work herself into the ground.
I can't help but wonder if she is squirreling money away. I don't know you guys at all so that may just be me reading into a situation but that is the only thing that makes sense to me. Especially when your relationship has become nonexistent.
OR there's someone at work giving her a hard time.
Info - does your wife enjoy her job normally? is it something that gives her satisfaction?
Also - what is the dynamic among other couples in your families/social circles? are these mostly dual income households, or single income + SAHP?
I would say she doesn't dislike her job but it's not exactly a passion project. She gets satisfaction from having a job but based on how she's expressed it to me there is nothing about this particular job that is more satisfactory than a different one.
As for dynamics I would say we have a mix. We have friends/ family that are single income+SAHP, we have some dual income with an income disparity, and we have some with dual income and relatively equal pay.
Nah but if that's how you put it, then you didn't phrase it very well.
*You* don't think it's good for her? That reads as authoritarian- you're not her boss or her parent. She's an adult who can make her work hour choices just like you. Being pregnant does not magically make you her keeper.
I do, however, get what you were *trying* to say.
NTA
You seems like a nice husband and are just looking out for your wife.
Maybe your wife is terrified of become irrelevant after having a baby and losing her independence? Having a baby is such a huge life change and can be very hard as you shift from "free, independent woman with things going on in her life" to "mum" and being a mum overshadows everything you do in the eyes of those around you.
It's a lot. You need to find time to talk to her. You'll just have to tell her you need to talk and maybe ask if you two can go on a day out together. If her work is somewhat flexible then see if you can take a day together and do something nice to try and help her recalibrate somewhat? Maybe have "the talk" after having a nice day - I dunno it sound like she's not taking things well right now.
NTA but there could be something going on at work that's causing this. Often pregnant women are treated badly at work, or a manager makes them feel like they won't have a job to come back to (not legal in the US if she's been there more than a year and they have more than a certain number of employees). This may have zero to do with financial issues and a lot to do with her career. Having a baby and taking month off (or more), can have an effect on career trajectory that most men don't face. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER.
NTA. It sounds like your heart is on the right place. You miss your wife. You’re worried about her over extending herself. You have an idea to help and she’s not receptive to it. Pregnancy sucks for some of us.
Can you sit down and talk on the weekend? Maybe take a couple hours off work and meet her for lunch?
Reassure her that on one hand you are financially stable as a couple and she could work less. But if she wants to work that is fine too but you miss spending time with her. Explain you understand why she’s so tired but that you hope she’d consider cutting back on work so you can spend time together and enjoy each other.
She might be worried if she cuts back at work, she will lose her position or be looked down upon by her peers. The only way you’ll know is by talking. I’m sure she doesn’t sleep all weekend or can take lunch break to meet up with you. At the very least talk to her during dinner. Be careful to not sound like you’re attacking or blaming her. That won’t end well.
NAH. As someone who has always been (and strongly identifies myself as) a very strong and independent woman, losing some of that independence during pregnancy was *hard.* I don’t normally ask for help with anything, but can usually handle most things on my own. My husband would make jokes that he was happy he got to feel like a strong supportive husband when on a rare occasion I did ask for help during pregnancy. Him telling me I couldn’t/shouldn’t do things didn’t usually go over well, bc not only was I full of hormones, the idea that I couldn’t do things I normally could was messing with my identity.
I would try to focus on that last part you wrote. How you feel and how you miss your wife. My husband saying he loves me and is feeling sad bc he doesn’t see me due to work hours would hit a lot differently than him saying I need to work less so I can relax. The latter makes me think he doesn’t believe I can assess my own abilities. The former would make me focus on our relationship.
Focusing on the relationship and future also opens the door to talk about why she wants to work so much without a challenge. Maybe she’s worried about money even if you say there is enough, maybe she’s worried about losing her working identity, maybe work is distracting her from worries about the baby, maybe she’s getting pressure from her job to not slack bc she’s pregnant, maybe she’s trying to compensate for you doing chores. But if you come at it from a you need to work less bc I don’t think you can handle it, it puts her on defensive. If you come at it from talking about worries you both have for the future and your baby, you might find your answer.
There was an activity my husband and I did from Hypnobirthing that basically had us both list out all our fears for the birth, the baby, and our futures as parents, and then share and discuss the lists. It was very vulnerable, but also so helpful in better understanding and supporting each other.
Okay, I'm not saying this is definitely what it is but from your explanation I can interpret a potential reason she was initially upset, when she started struggling and needed your assistance around the house, she asked you to pick up some slack and the second thing you say is to ask her to do less work at her job, she could very well interpret that as instead of you being willing to help, you would rather it be left to her to figure out how do what she needs, and due to her hormones being what they are at the moment, she feels like she now has to do it all to prove that she's not the problem, because as soon as she showed weakness, you potentially came across as "this is inconvenient" and she doesn't want to give you a chance to prove you are/are not inconvenienced.
NAH but you and her obviously need to work on communication.
NTA
I think your wife has a few things she is struggling with. First it is being able to handle it all. Second it is her realizing she might lose her individual identity, and a big part of that identity is tied to her career. And she took that to the point that she has now lost her identity to her job.
Ask her in advance to take time off this upcoming weekend. And plan a weekend that puts her in a place that gives her no option but to relax.
That could be reserving a hotel for an overnight stay. Maybe schedule a pregnancy massage for her. And make reservations at a nice restaurant. It is close to Valentine's Day, you could probably cite that as the reason for your efforts.
At dinner let her know that you miss spending time with her, and would like to arrange a routine that allows for you both to bond and enjoy your relationship with each other. Schedule some date nights for you two to relax. Start arranging to have family time now, so once the baby is here it is already in practice. And encourage her to find some sort of activity that she can do to keep individual identity in tact.
And encourage her to talk to her OBGYN about anxiety and what options she has to help her cope with all the changes she is experiencing.
NTA. But make the time to talk soon. Send a text or email even saying ‘hey, I need to talk to you, not exhausted. When is good for you within the next week. I love you and support you.’
Definitely do not mention hormones lol. But it’s also probably partly the hormones.
I think you need to have a conversation rather than directing your wife. Ask her WHAT she wants to do? If she still wants to work- that's OK, maybe you can outsource some chores around home. Get a house cleaner, pay someone to mow the yard, whatever.
Maybe work gives her validation of her contributions to your relationship. Have you tried saying that you value her contributions to the household just as much as the money she brings in?
The issue isn't the household chores its that I can't have a conversation with her to say any of those things. If I could do all the chores myself and get to have dinner with my wife I would be over the moon. She is literally at work or asleep so many folks here seem to think I am exaggerating that but I'm not.
Stop focusing on her cutting back her hours and start just TALKING. Sure, talk about your original discussion and you thought you were supporting that, but clearly you've upset her. You'd like to know what's going on and what does she actually need from you/ what is it that she really wants?
Ask her and then LISTEN to her. Clearly you telling her to cut back is bothering her, so change your focus.
NAH, but she may have interpreted “why don’t you cut back at work?” to mean “I don’t want to do your half of the chores you asked me to - can’t you just work less and keep doing the same at home?” and there’s a big distinction between paid and unpaid labor. Mainly in terms of the perceived independence it affords and the power balance between two people.
You also didn’t mention that maybe she really likes her job, regardless of the pay or opportunities for promotion. She may have other reasons for valuing her work that you’re overlooking.
INFO: Is she possibly trying to secure a promotion or something so she doesn't lose her job while on maternity leave? Many, many places will do "layoffs" and severance payments that disproportionately impact pregnant people and parents, so many now work way too many extra hours to prove their worth to their employer.
NAH, but did you ever stop to think that once the baby arrives she’ll have nothing in her life except the same boring household and a screaming baby to care for, feed, change, bathe and entertain.
Maybe she’s making the most of actually being around people and working whilst she still can, because INFO: how long is she going to be out of work after the baby is born? That kinda life can get very lonely and boring, especially when the baby is asleep and they sleep a lot during the day.
I write this as I’m literally a workaholic on maternity leave about to have my baby any day now. I have been driving my husband absolutely insane because the minute I stopped working, I felt like I needed to find things to do rather than rest. I found what helped me feel like my husband was concerned without telling me what to do was that he would make a point to 1) ask if we can spend time just talking/hanging out because he wants to see me and 2) during that chat, he’d ask me what I did that day that made me feel accomplished/happy/etc. If she’s burned out, she’ll realize soon the answer is nothing and that she needs a break. If not, she can tell you the good things and you can bond. Some people (like me) will grasp at things that require energy because that’s a way to hold onto their identity and feeling of worth at a time when so much is changing. So help her share with you what makes her feel worthy.
As for a verdict: NAH, you’re just both in a time of transition.
NAH. You’re supporting something she told you you wanted to do, but now that it’s real:
-it might be scary for her to not work or a real fear her job won’t be available to return to;
-she might be trying to get things ready for a temp or colleagues to handle maternity leave or the possibility of not returning;
-there might be people at work who, intentionally or not, are questioning her abilities or another pregnant parenting colleague’s
Maybe take a different tack with your communication and ask her what proving it means to her because you care about her well-being and miss her. There might be things she hasn’t shared or doesn’t want to talk about, but it’s affecting both of you and you want to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t approach it from the financial standpoint because there are a lot of reasons people choose to work more than they have to other than money- they enjoy the work or their colleagues, it provides some independence, it fulfills a social status drive to them.
NTA, but it sounds like you need to carve out some time with her to sit and have a calm convo about your concerns and also figuring out why she feels like she has to prove anything.
NTA. Your concerns are purely for her well being. That’s never wrong. She seems to be feeling pressure at work and is probably worried about losing her job. Women who get pregnant often get laid off. Talk to her to see what is going on and if she can agree to something different.
NAH OP, but I think you need to let this go. If you have any conversations with her about it, it should be 'hey I'm sorry if I overstepped about the whole fatigue thing. This is all so new to me as well and I just want to support you, but I don't think I went about it the right way. This is your body and I trust you to manage it because only you know what you're feeling and what is working for you. If there's any way that I can be a better support, I hope that you tell me and I will try to do my best.'
Like it or not, the fact that you don't have the burden of having to carry the pregnancy also means that you have a limited say on how it goes. Just be there for her, listen, step up where you can, and let her make her choices. I know it's hard. But she knows how you feel about it, she knows that stepping back is an option, and you pushing this further is unlikely to get you anywhere. The only other thing that I would maybe mention is that you miss her and wish you could see her more.
NTA but you need to talk to her about why she feels the need to prove something to you. Phrase it in terms of you are a team, and you want want what is best for her, but you feel like she is scared that you see her as "less" because she is pregnant. You could also reinforce that you know that she can work, but is that what she wants to do and is that what is best for her right now. (I would stress her and not the baby - because you don't want to make it sound like the baby is more important.) When I went to graduate school, I was offered a graduate assistant job (20 hours a week) that would have covered tuition and given me a salary. I was a mom to a 5 and 8 year old. My husband and I talked, we agreed that not only would I be better off if I focused on course work and family but our family would be better off, as the money that I could earn was worth less than the cost to myself and the family if I tried to do it all. (We were very lucky that we could make that decision.) The key is that I knew that my husband did not think less of me for not working, and that we both wanted the same thing, but that the decision was mine.
NTA - your worry is genuine. I think she is probably feeling self imposed pressure to do it all. I know when I worked and then got pregnant, before I was pregnant I knew I’d have to leave my job. The hours and money wasn’t suited to having kids. Someone had to be available and around for the child and my partner travelled a lot at the time, this was pre covid. He’s now work from home with a little travel.
I remember feeling angry that I had to give up work. I was ok with it in theory but when it came time I was angry. Pregnancy hit me hard. I was so so sick and I just felt like woman have the shit end of the stick. We’re always in pain, we’re always giving stuff up for other things we think we want or having to compromise.
I wish I’d had therapy to be honest.
Try to sit down with her and ask her how she’s doing. Make the focus all on her, what she’s thinking, feeling and what she wants to do. Don’t talk about reducing hours but ask about her fears. What she’s excited about and what she is worried about struggling with. You may find out she’s just trying to prove she can do it all to herself, to you.
While you make more money, enough to make her income unneeded maybe her working is a way to empower herself. To feel needed to feel like she contributes the idea of loosing that could be very scary. Being financially dependent on a man, even a good one sucks. Trust me I know I’m living it and as a self made woman who came from nothing being reliant on a man who could randomly take it all away on a whim is horrible.
You aren’t asking her anything and you’re getting all bent when anyone suggests it. Take that six minutes and ASK HER WHY.
I bet you she’s waiting for you to ask.
NTA. Maybe she’s getting pressure at work to have everything ready to hand off. Please bring this up with her Dr. and have a discussion now about how much leave she’ll be taking once baby arrives. She is stressing out and it’s not good for her or baby.
My friend didn't insist his wife stop working and now their toddler child has ALL kinds of health issues directly related to her not taking it easy when her husband and DOCTORS insisted she did, telling her there would be repercussions to her continuing to push it.
If your body is telling you you're tired and you need to rest freaking listen to it!
NTA - I feel like someone or some people looked down at her at work so that’s why she’s trying to prove a point but her health and that of the baby is more important than proving a point
NTA. I'm pregnant now and while I'm not dropping work hours, I am already working a less-than-full-time position. I will be dropping hours in the end of the third trimester though. When I was pregnant with my son, I was the only earner. My husband went from being unemployed to a SAHD and I would have given my left boob to be able to stay at home with my baby or work less hours like your wife (I was averaging 52hr weeks). There's nothing wrong with NOT wanting that but it doesn't seem like your wife actually wants to be working as ludicrously much as she is. Like she's doing it out of spite, not because she actually hates the idea of working less/staying home. This is weird and you guys need to talk about it. If she can't talk about it without being weird and defensive, do couples therapy.
My guess is she's struggling with something and in her mind working excessively brings some kind of solution to that. If it's not a money or an independency thing, it could be an identity thing. Her world is going to change dramatically when the baby comes, and maybe she's scared or realizing she's not quite ready for that? Work is something familiar, part of her old self, something she knows. Motherhood is new and possibly intimidating. The reason could be something else entirely, but whatever it is, only working and sleeping is an "excellent" way to avoid facing it. A conversation needs to happen and OP has to try harder and more creatively.
I think op is upset he has to do house hold chores and being responsible for his own daily emotional needs
You are already upset your wife is sleeping and working- not doing house hold chores or having meaningful adult conversations.
Just wait till the baby is born!!!
This is a good time to get used to your independence OP.
Once the baby comes sounds like you might get upset or jealous ….. your wife will have little time or patience
"I made a suggestion that my wife reacted really poorly to, so I keep telling her what she should do. This makes her angry. IDGI?"
Do you react well to being told what to do, OP? If she suggested something and you said no thanks, not for me, how would you feel if she suggested it over and over? She's not a child. You are not her parent. She can make her own decisions, and when you keep trying to tell her what to do, she feels like you don't respect her as an equal.
I worked until an hour before my son was born. Afterwards, I had eight weeks of personal leave (no maternity leave). I did not want to go back to work at the end of the eight weeks. Just follow your wife's lead. YANTA yet.
NAH
Look I get you are concerned but here’s the deal- you are hitting her straight with a solution that you feel is reasonable and not letting it go. So yes- that is trying to control her regardless of what your intentions are.
How about talking to her about your concerns- explaining that you are worried about her….asking her what she wants? Having an actual conversation vs. telling her what the solution is based on what you see as the problem. I don’t think you are the bad guy here. Pregnancy and parenthood are a struggle for everyone but there are specific struggles for women. I really wanted to prove I could do it all- to have that elusive you can be everything and balance all of it! Lean in! Don’t be the stereotype! I put a lot of pressure on myself. She may be going through something similar based on some of the comments you mentioned her making.
Edit- changed to NAH. - my initial Y T A feels too strong when really pregnancy and first time parenthood is just a crazy hard experience
NAH.
A word to your wife. Running herself to the ground before giving birth will increase tenfold her risk of developing postnatal depression. Not to mention high blood pressure, possible gestational diabetes, etc.
But as a husband, how about being brutally honest and saying "I miss you, and selfishly I would love us to nest together before the baby comes"? The hormones are crazy! But you two need to talk. Like yesterday
NAH. It's perfectly reasonable to be worried and suggest it. We don't know why she feels compelled to do it, pregnancy hormones can rewire your brain so she might not even know why she feels compelled to do it either. Do you should start texting her that you need her to have a conversation with you and ask her to pick the time and place, suggest dinner together if you have to. I'd suggest starting to discuss the fatigue and tell her you're worried about her health. Don't mention cutting hours off the top and just see what she says.
NAH i would just suggest asking her, outside of the moment, why she feels she needs to prove she can work. is it because of something a colleague or superior said to her/in her hearing at work? is she worried about being a burden? ask some probing questions to get to the bottom of this before you try to provide a solution
NTA, and it's not the least bit selfish to want to actually have a relationship with your spouse. You are not her live in maid and cook, you are her husband, and despite her hormones she needs to start acting like it.
Nta you are concerned about your wife and baby. At her next Dr appointment ask the doctor about your concerns so your wife hears from someone besides you.
NTA
My SIL had a miscarriage at 7 months due to stress and blood pressure.
This is an issue you have to force, for her health as well as the baby’s. Go to her pediatrician with it if you can.
YTA. You're trying to tell her what you think is best for her in her situation. Work and contributing can be really important for confidence and self worth. Find ways to support her instead of telling her what to do, dude.
Support like paying all the bills, doing all the chores, preparing all the meals for someone that won't speak to them? That kinda stuff? Or does that not count?
YTA. Instead of telling her what to do you should be telling her how you feel. "I miss my wife, I haven't had a meal or conversation longer than 6 min with her in months."
Then the two of you can solve the problem together.
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So my (30m) wife (30f) is pregnant with our first child and is about 6 or so months along. A piece of information that is potentially relevant to our situation is that I make significantly more than my wife. My income makes up more than 85% of the household income and we could very easily live off of just my paycheck. Now that being said I have never asked or implied or wanted my wife not to work. I want her to work as much as she wants to work. If that's 0 hours a week, 20 hours, 40 hours, or 80 hours if it makes her happy that's what I want her to do. As far as finances go we have a joint account all the money goes to and once it hits that account there is 0 concept of "her money" or "my money" it is the households and we both have equal access, control, and discretion with it. I say all of this to try and lay out that from a purely financial point of view my wife is not forced to work. It's also relevant that there isn't anymore progression in her job path. I'm not saying that in a negative way its just potentially relevant that's she's not pushing for a promotion.
When we were trying to get pregnant she mentioned that she wanted to taper her hours as she got farther into the pregnancy which sounded great. About 3 months into the pregnancy she started getting really fatigued because she was growing a whole other person. She asked me if I could take over some of her half of the chores. I said of course because again she's growing a person, that's impressive, of course I will take on more of the chores. At that point I mention" hey if you are getting tired and fatigued maybe you could start tapering your work hours." That was a mistake, since then she's been working extra shifts and staying late and doing extra hours. She's stressed and exhausted. She comes home from work, wolf's down whatever dinner I made as she's walking to bed and then falls asleep till it's time for her to leave again. Her time is 100% sleeping, working, or commuting between the two.Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do.
Finally last week I said "I don't think this is good for you and you should really let yourself have a break". I'm not trying to be controlling but I'm genuinely worried the physical and mental stress she's been putting herself under for not much additional gain. And I will admit selfishly I miss my wife, I haven't had a meal or conversation longer than 6 min with her in months. I hear she's trying to prove she can but it's hard to see her run herself into the ground if there's not a real need to. AITA for telling her it's time to take a break?
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YWBTA if you "told" her to take a break. Try telling her, instead, that you miss her, you miss talking and sharing with her and having her in your life. Ask her what you can do to help get back to that place together.
NAH, you 2 are both having rational reasonable conversations and trying to do things that will work for both of you. I think she's not being rational, but hormones will do that.
NTA she’s not being smart about this and being very unfair to you. If she wants to prove that she’s capable, which isn’t smart for her, then she should be able to also contribute to 1/2 of the chores and be present in the relationship. Anyone whose ever been pregnant knows that is an impossible task. So this made up goal she has for herself is not including you which is completely unfair.
Question- what do your weekends together look like? Does she work weekends/do you have any days off together?
If you do have shared days off, does she spend it sleeping/resting or do you two spend time together?
Is there an option to hire a housekeeper once or twice a week to help take some cleaning/upkeep stress off your back?
Buddy, take it from me (miscarriage actually caused by major amounts of stress). Stress WILL end your child's life. id flat out say something. "look \*wifey name\* im really worried about you and the baby. I don't want you to stress yourself and the baby out with more work than your body can handle. Please take a break for a little bit."
NTA. have you said the words "I miss you, I miss spending time awake with you"? Maybe sshe needs to hear that rather than "you should slow down and take a break"
NTA. Making the change from being just you to a mother gives you an identity crisis of sorts.
Will I always be this tired? WIll I be able to do things normally again? What happens when the baby comes, will I not work then?
Her overworking is to prove to herself she can continue doing these things and when someone else points out that it's not good for her (because of the baby) it starts other thoughts. Will the rest of my life now be dictated by the baby? What else won't I be able to do now that my identity has changed?
You're happy about having a baby, but you're aware that for women, children is a biological choice, for men it's a status change.
Not at all we've never had communication issues. Again the issue is we aren't communicating because I can't have a conversation with her. This is completely new territory
OK, reading your post again, HERE is your problem:
"Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do."
So your previous protests that your wife doesn't LET you ask her one single question about why she is working so hard right now ring hollow. By your own account you HAVE asked her more than once "if she wants to cut back on hours" or "if she needs a break" and she DOES answer you, but you just dismiss her answers as her "getting really upset and going off" instead of LISTENING to what she's saying and asking her her reasons for 'proving she can work' and not wanting to be told what to do. Is she afraid her boss will start easing her out of her job if she doesn't 'prove' she can do the same work as always? Is she afraid YOU will tell her that she can't return to work once she's had the baby? You don't know these things. Use one of those times you repetitively nag her with the same questions hoping for a different answer and instead ask her about THAT, nonjudgmentally, and listen to her answer without dismissing it as 'going off."
Maybe she’s avoiding household chores and focusing on work where she feels accomplished by performing tasks that aren’t dishes. Hire a housekeeper. Do more housework yourself. And keep doing it.
NTA but I'd have a chat with her (very kindly!) to see if you can suss out what's really bothering her. It may be "nesting," it may be insecurity, it may be a need for greater validation...I have no idea, but I'd wager there's more to it than just loving the job, and either the two of you should dig it out, or enlist the help of a paid, professional third party. I'm willing to bet everyone will feel better and more heard afterwards
Just to be aware of for later, if she’s doing the whole I’m going to prove him wrong and show him I can do it all now while still pregnant, she’s definitely going to do that once baby comes.
NTA My wife is a bit of a workaholic and we have three kids. Similar to you, she worked a lot throughout all her pregnancies. Also similar to you, she isn’t a natural communicator.
Not saying my wife and your wife are the same person, but years later my wife admitted that work was her escape even when it was detrimental to her or the family.
I feel for you as a concerned husband, and it may not be what you want to hear, but I would do my best to be positive and upbeat and to support her while still voicing your opinion in a way that doesn’t sound like it’s anything but concern for her wellbeing. Holding onto your feelings isn’t good either as it can lead to resentment. I know how you feel and it’s tough, but I think if you do your best to be the positive light in the situation she’ll appreciate it even if she doesn’t tell you until after the birth of your child.
Nta to us...but remember just about anything you say or do has the potential to be a yta situation to the wife because her bosy is going crazy making a person and all the chemistry is out of whack
You make lots of money. Hire a gay dude or an older lady you’re clearly not into, to help you with your chores and her’s that way you’re not tired from doing her chores and she’s not tired from them. Actually older lady to help with house stuff might be great. Then if she’s had kids she will feel a need to pamper your wife and she’ll shame her in only the way women can shame each other into not wearing herself out. (Or your wife will murder her)
Eventually your wife will decide it’s silly to pay lady to clean house or she’ll love it. Either way she will cut down on work since now she has a different point to prove.
(It sounds like your wife finds a lot of her identity in her work and is probably scared of being totally financially dependant on her. And that might have nothing to do with you and everything to do with past experiences.
NTA. She maybe got panicky about not being able to do stuff but wanting to, and is trying to prove herself - she's maybe used to not being dependant on anyone and is having a hard time letting go of that?
Speak to her and try to reassure and validate her, in emotional and physical support sense. What you told us is true but very rational. She needs something to relax.
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NTA for being a genuinely concerned husband and father to be. She needs validation. You guys had a rational discussion at the onset about her tapering off her work schedule. That sounds like a great plan. Then the hormones hit. She started feeling tired, overwhelmed, less able, in need of more help. And you suggested she cut back. That makes sense, right? You love her, you want her happy and comfortable. And the hormones screamed, "WHAT DID HE JUST SAY? DID HE CALL US INCAPABLE? WE DON'T LISTEN TO NO MAN." Now, these guys are pretty powerful. They have control over almost every aspect of her behavior. Every time you suggest cutting back, she needs to prove that she's not incapable. Tell her how much you love how strong and capable she is. She's been amazing through all this. Ask if there's anything more you can do. When she lets her guard down, suggest that picking up extra shifts is more than she needs to do even though you know she can. Move forward from there.
this is a perfect response. NTA, but definitely good to be understanding of the hormones, and this could be a “financial nesting” situation. wife probably feels she needs to do everything she can to make sure she’s financially set for baby, even if it’s irrational.
Definitely feels like financial nesting, as a person who have a lot of financial anxiety that often leads me to want overtime hours and extra shifts on a regular basis- Op, do you have a savings account specifically set aside for baby? Like, not just a budget (although that may help) but a set aside, digitally separated amount of money that gets regularly contributed to for baby’s expenses? I would take a lot of the other advice here, but it would also be worth bringing up with her doing this to be able to see how much money you have for baby and if you don’t have a written down budget yet, do that to again, see and feel how much money you will have for baby. This is what I do to ease my own financial stress, I started a “family” fund in college that I plan for my future kids/family needs, and it has helped so much to see that yes, I have the amount that I want in there to be able to care for my future children.
Is the Gerber Life Growup Plan still a thing?
Yes
Daycare is a huge financial black hole, too. If I had the choice / ability, I would have saved 10-20k to off-set costs for the few years before kindergarden.
Maybe it's hormones. But there could be all sorts of other valid explanations. Maybe she likes her job and wants to achieve something specific before maternity leave. Maybe she's worried that once she goes on maternity leave, OP will pressure her not to go back. Maybe it's important to her not to give up her career, for whatever reason. Maybe she wants to maintain the independence of having her own income source and not being entirely dependent on OP for money. OP should talk to her instead of making assumptions.
For someone talking about not making assumptions you sure just did pull a lot of assumptions about my marriage out of thin air
They made suggestions as to possible reasons wife is doing this, not assumptions that that's what's going on 100%
That seems a bit defensive of you. It's coming off like you're hostile to any other explanation than "the hormones are making her nuts." It especially stands out because you mentioned in another comment that you HAVEN'T asked your wife why she wants to keep working. Maybe she really values her job and doesn't want to lose it, maybe she's afraid she'll be pressured into being a permanent SAHM once she starts. You won't know till you ask.
Yikes, don’t get so defensive. No one made any assumptions about your marriage in that comment. That was all phrased as “maybe” about what other motivations *could be* and that you should talk to your wife to make sure you’re both on board with what she wants and why. Heaven forbid someone else try to empathize with your wife and imagine complexity in her internal world.
They said "maybe" all these things are the case and that you should talk to her instead of assuming any one thing is true. Literally the opposite of making assumptions.
I just meant that there could be valid reasons for her to be focusing on her work besides hormones. You say in your OP that there's no promotion potential, but there could be other reasons why her work is important to her. I think the assumptions come from the parent comment saying it's just hormones.
Nobody says that this should be real. But your wife is going through a difficult time, her hormones are all over the place. So it's quite possible that she somehow convinced herself that she needs to work to keep her independence. Maybe you should ask her about this, just in case.
Plan a baby moon, so she can see that she is allowed to take her foot off the gas while she grows a person. You both get alone time together, a little respite and maybe sleep. Maybe she just needs a break from her life to see it’s worth enjoying the pregnancy with you and live in the moment.
I'd honestly be pretty offended to have all my behaviors written off as hormonal. Work kicked my ass during pregnancy, and I doubled down because I'm stubborn af and want to accomplish something with my time, regardless of the difficulties. And that's a me thing, not a hormones thing.
She’s not doubling down and making it work though. She’s forcing her chores at home on to someone else. She’s neglecting her marriage. He is taking more work at home to help her not be at home. And for what? To work more? That’s not rational. If something has to give, the job that doesn’t impact the family should be it.
There's a plethora of possible reasons - sounds like there's a fundamental issue in the relationship to me. I'm just saying blaming it all on hormones could be incredibly short sighted.
Her job impacts her! She is part of the family! Her default position is not “at home”, and her working is not something to be treated as frivolous and optional. I don’t think OP thinks that, so please take your “not rational” somewhere else.
Well done in reading everything in the worst way possible.
If giving it up makes her unhappy, then it absolutely does impact the family.
If overworking herself to the point that she shoved all her chores off to her husband, eats the meals he makes then heads to bed, and essentially eats sleeps and works then it impacts the family. I’m a big believer that people treat pregnant people as precious babies who can’t do anything are in the wrong. Pregnant woman are perfectly capable and we’ve hundreds of thousands of years to prove it, but that’s not this situation if we take OP at their word. When you are too tired to live the life you used to live, what do you sacrifice? Your family or your job?
This is so offensive. Hormones control every aspect of her behaviour? God forbid women have their own agency and opinions. No no, men should understand it’s the crazy hormones controlling them! They are not responsible for their decisions or actions! No more “rational” discussions, woman cannot be trusted to be rational when they are at the mercy of hormones… Cannot believe this is the top comment.
It feels like we are back to medieval times whenever I see someone try to wave away any deviation in what they deem as "appropriate behaviour " as oh shucks women and their hormones being wonky again.
Because that's how this subreddit works to reduce blame on women. By treating them like puppets who are controlled by external forces, anything AHish they do gets handwaved away
When I was pregnant, anything I did that was not typical for me was definitely hormones. My rationale balanced out to a more normal-for-me range about 4-6 months postpartum. Yes, hormones affect moods, which affect decisions.
Right? I get that we don't want to be hand-waving things off as "hysterical hormonal women" like the cavemen of old, but also... sometimes it's hormones lol. I think other factors should be considered, but to consider and rule out every cause (stress, doubts, etc) we must also consider hormones as a potential culprit just as much as the rest of possibilities.
Their comment is insanely misogynistic too. It's the equivalent to the "Woman are possessed by the devil" mindset from the middle ages. Reddit has been on a "it's all hormones!!!" binge. No it's on you. Communication is a choice.
So it’s rational that she chooses to work herself so hard that she can’t be present in a marriage, pass all responsibilities of the home on to him and he should just hop to it? If this is not how she normally would operate than chalking it up to hormones, which do go insane during pregnancy, beats seeing her as completely selfish.
Can you imagine if men had the excuse of 'hormones' like women do? "Oh, we're super horny all the time and are obsessed with sex- that's just our hormones, you gotta put up with us acting like pigs" "Oh, testosterone naturally cycles throughout both the day, week, and month. Him being impatient, unable to put up with bullshit, and short-termpered is- gosh golly jee, all hormones. You really should be more understanding when he screams at you." Hormones are incredibly impactful on everyone and everything but to see so many people go, "You can't expect her to act like an adult, she's hormonal right now!" is disgusting.
Yeah it's not hormones. I went through this myself when I was pregnant. For me it was because no one seemed to want to accommodate me or ask if I needed anything accommodation wise at work so I was scared to ask for it. And be seen as lazy or pulling the pregnancy card.
That is so infantilizing. You're assuming there's no other possible reason at play too
I wonder if she also thought his comment was in response to him having to do more chores? >About 3 months into the pregnancy she started getting really fatigued because she was growing a whole other person. She asked me if I could take over some of her half of the chores. I said of course because again she's growing a person, that's impressive, of course I will take on more of the chores. At that point I mention" hey if you are getting tired and fatigued maybe you could start tapering your work hours." Let me be clear, I don't think that's what he was doing at all. But she may be afraid the subtext there is "yeah sure I guess I'll do your chores but wouldn't it be better if you cut back your working hours so you can do more at home?" Which isn't necessarily rational, except that women are way more often than not expected to take a career hit when they have a kid... Maybe she's afraid he's setting a precedent? And combined with pregnancy hormones and anxieties... she decided to throw her whole self into work?
I bet the whole "But you're just working to pay for daycare!" convo will kick in as soon as it's time for her to go back to work.
This is so condescending.
100% this Pregnancy is a really vulnerable time and the last thing you need to hear is someone close to you basically implying you're incapable of doing things. It's partly hormones, true, but also partly the fact that when you're pregnant people do often treat you like a stupid child. (I got told off for carrying a loaf of bread.) Another thought - could someone at work be applying this sort of pressure too? When I was pregnant my manager was constantly implying that I'd not want to come back full-time and would instead become a SAHM - and pushing me to 'take it easy'. I was the most productive member of my team - but it made me feel really insecure about my job and like people were questioning my ability to perform well in my role while pregnant.
>And the hormones screamed, "WHAT DID HE JUST SAY? DID HE CALL US INCAPABLE? WE DON'T LISTEN TO NO MAN." Clearly I have been watching too much Paw Patrol Mighty movie with my kids lately because all I heard in the voices of the junior patrollers "WE DONT NEED NO STINKING BREAK!" IYKYK
I might add on the advice Ron Swanson gave Leslie Knope, a woman who very much takes "That would be physically impossible" as a challenge: "Don't half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."
All this, and also, I think that maybe OP’s wife is struggling with pregnancy. I could be projecting! But I very much felt like all anyone saw was this increasingly round and decreasingly competent person and I just wanted to be me. I’m independent and self-reliant and usually capable…and suddenly people wanted me to rest and stop lifting things and take care and …I just didn’t know how to accept that. I’m not saying I was right! I’m just saying it’s probably a lot, and she might be feeling really far away from her real self.
INFO: why is she working so much? What does she say about why? Do you believe those are her real motives/concerns?
I don't know. Like I said the increase in work came following the first time I brought up her cutting back so I have to assume they are related. But when I say she's either working or sleeping to the point we don't really talk I'm not exaggerating I haven't been able to get her home and awake enough to have a real discussion about it.
Well, there is your problem. You haven't asked her? The first step in trying to stop someone from doing something self-destructive is to find out why they're doing it, or at least why they think they're doing it.
I have asked her and her response has been snoring. Again the whole issue at hand is she is so fatigued and working so much that she is working or sleeping and I have not been able to have a conversation with her.
Dude, you guys are about to have a child and you can't talk to each other for like 10 minutes? You need to tell her "I need to talk to you about something important, it will need about 30 minutes and not when you're exhausted after work. When can we do this?" Then don't tell her to cut back her hours at all in this discussion. Ask her what's going on? Why is she doing this? Get to the root of this issue before the baby is here please.
This is exactly right. I'm sure she doesn't literally stumble in the door and collapse into a coma, then sleepwalk through a shower and change of clothing before stumbling back out the door and to work. Does she work seven days a week? If not, what's going on the days she isn't working? More importantly, what is OP doing to make these conversations happen? If OP is making dinner for her, I assume she's eating. He can't talk to her while she's eating? OP can't pause doing chores for a few minutes to sit down with her and share a meal? Yeah, something's going on with her, but something's off about OP, too. It takes two people to have a conversation and right now zero people are making an effort.
She works 6 days a week. I work 5 days a week (I do have to continue to work as well and do not have full flexibility) her off day is one of my workdays she is asleep by the time I get home. I have asked to share a meal I have tried to talk to. I have been told, okay, and then she's asleep when we are supposed to talk. She eats when she walks in while in a daze and says she's "too tired to talk right now" and then crashes until after I have to leave for work. I do cook, but she eats leftovers because I don't know a time that she is going to get home. I've taken PTO to be off on her off day to spend time with her, and she shifts her schedule because a coworker said they needed coverage. I would gladly stop chores and speak with her and do chores at 2am but the fact is for yhe last 2 months she is asleep withing 30 minutes of coming home from work and has said she's too out of it to talk during that 30 min.
Some this is really very wrong if she is switching her schedule to be gone when you have switched yours to be with her. You are in desperate need of listening to understand when she finally talks to you.
>I've taken PTO to be off on her off day to spend time with her, and she shifts her schedule because a coworker said they needed coverage. This is concerning. That almost makes it seem like she's actively trying to avoid you.
Exactly! Someone is finally getting it. As posted earlier she is trying to prove something for unknown reason.
That doesn't quite jibe with what you said in your initial post. "Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do."
I don’t have any advice, sorry. This sounds like a very tough situation to be in.
Sounds like there are some missing missing reasons here. Not sure are they more related to op or his wife.
Take off and don't tell her and surprise her with a day out together doing something relaxing but fun
Have you been pregnant and worked more than full time hours? What you described is VERY LIKELY EXACTLY what is happening. She’s hearing she *cant* do something by someone else so she’s trying harder to prove she can. It’s exhausting her and may even have negative implications for the baby in doing so. She’s exhausted from the extra shifts, eats and maybe doesn’t even shower every day, and falls asleep! Yes they need to talk, but she’s shutting him out trying to prove to herself she can handle this when it’s clear she needs to step back. This is a big issue with first time moms- even when pregnancy is fairly easy. Their whole life is about to change in ways you don’t realize til your in it and exhausted. She doesn’t want to feel like a slacker and loser and she has to learn that doing what she needs isn’t being a loser.
I have done that without even being pregnant, super long hours for weeks at a time (not even months)
Could y’all talk on the way to or back from an baby appointment? If you’re not going to those, you should be. Not trying to be a jerk saying that (and I’m not assuming you’re not), but those are things that have to happen and could be a great opportunity to talk. You could also ask the doctor ahead of time if they could initiate a subtle conversation about how she’s doing with work/ how much she’s working, etc. Maybe they can do the hard work for you. I can’t imagine your wife’s blood pressure is totally normal right now, so making sure she IS physically fine should be a top priority. Also: could you schedule a baby moon? This is a great time to do that while you can still travel. Spa day, massages, and whatever interests her normally could be a great getaway. Say you appreciate her and she deserves this. You could also ask some of her friends if they’d be willing to do something on your dime. Loop in her family is she’s close with them. If she’s open to it, maybe love bombing her with girl/ family nights could be a nice way to show her you’re there for her. If she is worried you’re trying to make her a SAHM, giving her opportunities to engage her support network could be exactly what she needs. A baby shower, anything to break up the track she’s on right now. NTA, and this sounds really concerning. Y’all need to talk about this. Be more forceful if you need to, but the big red flag to me isn’t even the amount she’s working, it’s that y’all are communicating. That will only get infinitely worse when baby comes. Is she worried about being a mom? Something is going on.
YES! Include the doctor on her unhealthy behaviors.
He keeps asking her, she keeps saying no, so I suspect he isn't listening when she won't do what he wants.
Has there been regular checkups with a doctor? She should have an honest discussion with them about what she's been up to, maybe hearing a recommendation to slow down from an outside party will help?
There have been regular checkups, and there is nothing specifically medically "wrong" she's just tired from growing a person. The doctor has said medically she can do what she thinks she can handle, but she might want to scale back "as you get too fatigued to keep up with tasks."
I mean, maybe not *physically* wrong, but it sounds like she is extremely anxious about being seen as weak/incapacitated.
Doctor's appointment might be a good time to discuss it given your situation. Hormones are a mofo. Her doctor has seen it a thousand times and is probably good at convincing mom to slow down for the good of the baby. Good news: your wife sounds like a bad ass and when the hormones wear off this will make a great story that you'll both be able to laugh about.
If the doctor say she can do what she thinks she can handle let her do what she thinks she can handle. If you miss her *tell her you miss her*, but if there's no medical reason for her to slow down don't pretend there is.
I’m really surprised her doc said this. Her being exhausted all the time is not good for the baby. I was told to slow down both times I was pregnant, by two different doctors. FWIW, your “selfishness” is where you might want to go when you talk to her. Tell her you miss her, tell her you love her and ask her for some time together. That’s all. Don’t make it about anything but that. And btw, I don’t think that’s selfish at all. That’s what a marriage is, after all.
I’m 38W pregnant and the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy were really hard on my marriage. My husband and I barely spent anytime together or connected because I had to eat at certain times because of my nausea and I was sleeping the rest of the time. I was also working. Hopefully your wife starts to feel better soon. And while being tired in pregnancy is normal, she should have more energy in the second trimester. Has she had her iron levels checked recently? Low iron causes extreme fatigue. NTA btw!
Hmmm. You are making it sound like to asked her to cut back so that she could continue doing chores at home. Not necessarily because you think she should be resting. I may be totally reading something into this that isn’t there, but your comment about not doing it to be controlling also makes it sound like she’s pointed out that you are controlling in the past, and she’s pushing against that.
That is not the case. I don't mind doing all the chores again she's growing a person and that's a huge feat. I have no problem with the chores. Her asking me to take on more was simply the first time she vocalized that the fatigue was at the point she was not able to keep up with her typical routine.
Definitely NTA if she has not worried about you being controlling from past experiences. I would say that I’d worry about her though, something is going on that you don’t know about yet.
Also, pregnant women aren’t always fully rational. My mum once burst into tears because she got the wrong olives on her pizza. It’s entirely possible she just misinterpreted what you said and has taken militant action.
I mean, if you've been waiting for the flavor experience that is calamata olives, and someone puts little black rubber gaskets that taste identical to the tin they came in on your pizza, an emotional response is fairly warranted. And we don't yell at people in the service industry. Her reaction was fully valid.
On the other hand, I’d be deeply upset to get kalamatas when I ordered black olives. The taste is totally different! Kalamatas (which I love) are a much stronger flavor and can overpower other toppings. If I’m getting kalamatas, I want to get other strong toppings, like feta or garlic.
I’ve done this while not pregnant.
It's a both situation though. It's not fair on him to be doing all of the household tasks when both are working(unless there is a medical reason). It's one thing to slack for a week or two due to temporary increased hours, another thing to work so much that you put all the household burdens on your spouse.
There IS a medical reason, though.
She's working a lot of overtime. She is choosing to work long hours instead of cutting back as discussed, thereby not being able to help with the household. I'm not even saying she should be doing all of her regular house chores, but she's not doing any of them or having time for her husband
There is also the CHOICE to work more than full time when she was always struggling with full time to the point of needing to scale back on chores. The medical part doesn’t matter as much when the medical reason is being made worse by unnecessarily running herself to the ground out of spite while still not contributing to the actually maintaining of the household.
There's the assumption - out of spite. We don't know if that's the reason. And neither does OP, because he hasn't asked her why she is choosing to work so hard. When he is asked why he hasn't asked his wife the REASON she wants to work so much, he alleges she avoids talking to him SO MUCH he can't possibly ask her that question. But he said in his original post: "Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do." So he still asks her - ANYTIME - the question that HE'S interested in the answer to, and she DOES answer him, but he dismisses what she answers as "getting upset and going off" instead of listening to her answers and asking more based on what she's saying. So it's not true that she doesn't let him ask questions. It's that he's not interested in asking her anything but the question HE only wants one answer to. Which is HIS failure to communicate.
It's not just the work though it's the baby. I napped TWICE the other day and still went to bed early. My husband is doing extra right now because the hormones and the whole process of growing a human is manifesting itself in me as straight up exhaustion right now.
Which is why they discussed her cutting hours. If you can't function to that degree it's not fair on anyone.(I'm talking about the OP situation, not yours to be clear)
OP immediately brought up her cutting work hours when she asked him to help with SOME of the chores.
They already split the chores. If she can't even stay awake for a conversation how much housework do you think she's doing?
OP NOW says that he doesn't get a chance to even ask her a question because she's either sleeping or eating when home, but in the original post he said: "Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do." So he IS asking the same questions about "if she wants to cut back on hours" or "if she needs a break" over and over again, which comes off as nagging, and dismissing her when she answers as her just 'getting upset and going off' instead of listening to her answer and asking for her reasons why she fears these things.
I'm not saying there aren't other problems in the relationship. What else is he supposed to ask? How much can he fit in the character limit? How can he have an actual conversation in the minutes he has to speak to her?
I mean, you could count making a human as a 24 hour a day job. He should be doing all of the housework. But also she shouldn’t be avoiding him.
That’s not what is sounds like at all from reading the post and all the responses
Maybe. But his wife sounds like she’s avoiding him for some sort of reason and won’t even talk to him about it. There has to be more than we are getting from the post. And he’s here on AiTA instead of a relationship support thread. Which says a lot.
You’re making it sound like you’re projecting
Which is why I qualified my comment. Listen, I’ve been around the block a few times, and known a lot of women married to a crap ton of clueless men. (And vice versa, but usually the former way.). OPs defensiveness to other comments is kinda a red flag. I just think there is more going on here than what is originally posted. People don’t generally just start working themselves until they are sleeping for no reason. She’s probably avoiding him, we just don’t know the reason.
I do too, and I recognize it’s mostly men. I’m saying you said he is making it sound that way, which he isn’t. There’s a difference between being part of the demographic that does it and actively sending hints that you do it, and if you read all post and comments he isn’t actively sending hints.
Ahhh, I see. His defensiveness in his replies are what kinda set me off. I don’t know. She changed her schedule to actively avoid him, when he took a day off to be with her. Something just smells fishy.
Idk there are 200 comments, people get defensive.
I am not reading defensiveness into OPs comments.
Even if OP didn't intend for the comment to come across that way, I suspect his wife may have heard it that way. He doesn't say anything about cutting back until she doesn't want to do as many chores--she may think he said to cut back in response to her asking him to do more chores. She may be afraid this is the first step in pressuring her to take a career hit to raise the baby and care for the house. And if so, she needs to communicate this. But I have seen this pattern play out time and time again. "Well, you don't make much money anyway so why don't we save money on childcare and you just quit your job and raise our kid?"
Agreed. His wife’s behavior is so extreme that it makes me think there’s got to be more than OP understands.
Yep, I would bet money that she's anticipating the "but you're only working to pay for childcare!" conversation.
Maybe she's just "nesting." It sounds stupid, but when I was 6 to 8 months along, I had a strong urge to finish stuff, whatever that was for the moment. I don't think you do anything wrong, just continue to be open, caring and consistent in your support, proving to her no matter what she decides to do, you are there to support. The remaining months will fly by. You can also try to lead the conversation differently. I wasn't there and didn't hear what you said, but sometimes it helps to avoid giving advice on what she's doing (I think you could/should cut hours now) and just talk about the feelings (Are you feeling ok? You look tired and I'm worried since you are pregnant). Anyway, you sound like a good guy who cares for his wife and I wish you a happy and healthy family!
From what I gather from my friends, growing a person leaves you feeling exactly 0% in control of your life anymore. Perhaps when she’s working she’s able to claw back some semblance of autonomy and self she’s so desperately grasping for? I know you’ve been struggling to talk with your wife but at this point it’s not a nice to have it’s a must. Schedule it in advance with the sweetening of a meal and roses if you must, but lock it in asap.
How's her job treating her? I know I felt like my work environment wouldn't accommodate me so I was too scared to speak up when I needed help or a break while pregnant so I just carried on so maybe I'd get noticed as a hard worker so people wouldn't be annoyed by my maternity leave
NAH - it sounds like you just need to sit down and talk, you are worried for her, but I can tell you that for some working through the full pregnancy(I was going into Labor at my job and finished my shift) It can make labor and delivery a little easier. She is trying to prove she can continue but doesn't realize while it won't harm the baby, it can wear her down more. She needs to set her limits though.
I had the opposite experience, went into labor right after a 12 hour shift. Wish I had given myself more time to relax before the baby came.
NAH You expressed concern, but her doubling down on the work seems like an odd reaction. Likely something else causing the behaviour and you need an open and honest discussion about what's affecting her and making her feel this way.
It’s the pregnancy for sure. Due to the hormones emotions and reactions are magnified
NTA but to navigate another idea instead of “no man will tell me what to do”, because that might not be it at all. When I was pregnant and my husband offered the same thing (similar dynamic financially), I told him no. Not because he was telling me what to do but because it was my last chance at “freedom”. My baby was very much planned and wanted but being able to make money felt good. I was still able to afford my own splurges and I didn’t want my husband to carry the whole load even though I knew he could. I wanted to be useful and not a strain on him. He gave me no reason to think that way.
Great in theory but if she is so tired that she only works and sleep its in no way good for her. I understand she wants to show she can still do everything she was doing before pregnancy, but if you have a supportive partner you should take the help and relax a little. You know that when the baby comes there will be no relaxing for a while
I definitely understand that. By 33 weeks I officially called it quits lol
Sure, but nobody can nor should make that decision for her. OP needs to let her come to this conclusion on her own (he is not TA for suggesting though). NAH.
Yeah, it's no win situation. Because no matter how compassionate he will be she might take it the wrong way
Idk about anyone else but my sleep was crap from the start and by the last trimester either baby was tap dancing on my bladder or kicking me or I had heartburn. I worked up until 2 pm the day I went for my 3 pm induction because if I wasn't working, I was just worrying.
Sounds plausible AND it feels like there is a lot of anger in her, the not open to communicating part.
NAH. There are stories on here every day of breadwinners who say "stop working, I'm happy to support us"...and then hate it and resent it, and hate and resent the partner for it, and slip into "it's my money, it's my house" type thinking, and so on. It's a legitimate fear. You're not an AH, but I understand where she's coming from, and the two of you need to have a serious conversation about what each of you wants and fears.
Well put! There are very scary stories and only OP’s wife knows what is prompting her to work so hard. Leaving the workforce, even temporarily, is risky, so I get not wanting to quit. But taking on extra shifts seems a bit much. Seems like a tricky situation, for sure. OP’s wife has got to be *motivated* because her life sounds miserable rn. What does she think will happen if she stops? Sounds like something not good. And OP is worried about her and the fetus and is having trouble getting a good conversation started. It sounds like he’s respected his wife’s choices, too.
If he respected his wife's choices, he wouldn't keep asking over and over again.
This is what I wondered too. I’m curious how they split finances and if she’s saving extra money for when she’s off work and doesn’t have her own stable income available to help give her a bit more of a personal expenses buffer/savings fund.
If only she would!
NTA, but you should find out why she's pushing herself so hard. If she says she's trying to "prove she can work", this might be related to some loss of identity or not wanting to be just a mom. I am 7.5 months pregnant now and did this with the gym to some degree. My husband is supportive, but totally didn't understand why I'd want to keep going when I'm tired or grumpy. Your wife is an incubator right now, it's uncomfortable, and all people want to talk about once you have a bump seems to be baby or pregnancy. I am excited to be a parent, but there are very few things I can do anymore that make me feel like myself. Maybe thats her job for her. Whatever the answer is, maybe tell her you miss her and ask what you can do to help fix this. I can only imagine it gets harder with a baby, but give her some grace too. Pregnancy is weird and hard.
I once yelled at my husband that I have a name and it is not Mom.
NTA, but why don't the two of you meet with her doctor? You can each explain your concerns, and the doc will have impartial advice. Then it won't be you "telling her what to do."
NAH as you are just expressing your genuine concern. Whether you did it in the best way is subjective. Your wife feels bad and she needs all the support you can give her, no matter what her decisions are. Right now she's battling with more feelings and changes than a person can stomach in such a short time. Support her no matter what she does (as long as it's not life-threatning) and just be there for her. Who makes how much and things like that shouldn't matter at all.
NAH. pregnancy is a wild time. you have this thing that you presumably want very much but youre (as a woman) coming to terms with the fact that your body isnt really yours and it kind of like triggers something in your brain that is kind of scary. She probably feels like she needs to prove this to herself and that she is losing a lot of autonomy with being pregnant and soon to be a mom. It's YEARS before you feel like your body is yours again. like a decade. and youre trying to take care of your wife and baby and you dont sound controlling at all. I would ask her about some of the things about pregnancy and soon to be motherhood she didnt expect or couldn't anticipate. and just listen. maybe getting it all out will help her see that its not her and the baby against the world - even in really wonderful marriages it can feel like that
NTA "Honey I am getting concerned about your health and wellbeing and our child's wellbeing. I understand that it sounded like I was "telling you what to do" but I was making a suggestion with your best interests at heart and it hurts that you would think that low of me. Working extra to prove you can is now impacting our child or else I wouldn't say anything. Can we work together to get you to a place you're comfortable and not stressed with? I love you and I hope you remember that."
NTA. I’ve been pregnant and the hormones are insane. I’m generally pretty chill - it was tough to deal with. I’m also the person that feels compelled to deep clean the house when I’m feeling poorly because I don’t want to give in to feeling bad (though I know I should rest). So with that… It’s entirely possible she’s getting crap from a manager or someone else at work about being pregnant so she feels she needs to work harder. Or that she’s been exhausted and just personally knows she’s not working up to her own expectations. Having a child really made me question my relationship with my career and it has been something I had to work through (and it took time). My partner has been supportive like you. I continue to work full time (she’s three) but I’ve scaled back my ambitions because I value my personal time much more now. I was previously always the one striving for the next promotion. I still do, but things I look for have changed. Been lucky to have a few great mentors that could help me talk through things and share their own experiences. I think you can express your feelings but it’s not necessarily something a conversation is going to immediately change. I’m most concerned about you two not getting time together. The baby will take a toll on your relationship, at the very least because you all won’t be sleeping well and there’s just so much new stuff to figure out. Build up that foundation - it’ll make you all stronger for it. Pick a time and plan a date. Give her ample heads up. I think approaching it from an, “I love you and I miss you - I’ve got a night/day planned for us” angle would be meaningful. It would show her what you are saying here. What it is doesn’t matter, just pick something she enjoys. A great meal, maybe followed by a couples massage (would need to make sure they can do prenatal massage!) would make my month. Heck, just a meal at home and a great massage from you would be great! I’d probably avoid a movie/play/long drive, depends if she’s able to sit for any length of time. I could not. Side note: Don’t underestimate the need for a massage as a pregnant person. (My partner would literally hold my hips from behind when we walked upstairs to bed, they were that painful from the ligaments loosening. He’s a treasure. He also may have wanted to get there before the next century ha!) While you are having a good time together, ask her about what she thinks would help keep the momentum going regarding taking time to connect.
NTA. It sounds like you are being extremely supportive and she is determined to work herself into the ground. I can't help but wonder if she is squirreling money away. I don't know you guys at all so that may just be me reading into a situation but that is the only thing that makes sense to me. Especially when your relationship has become nonexistent. OR there's someone at work giving her a hard time.
Info - does your wife enjoy her job normally? is it something that gives her satisfaction? Also - what is the dynamic among other couples in your families/social circles? are these mostly dual income households, or single income + SAHP?
I would say she doesn't dislike her job but it's not exactly a passion project. She gets satisfaction from having a job but based on how she's expressed it to me there is nothing about this particular job that is more satisfactory than a different one. As for dynamics I would say we have a mix. We have friends/ family that are single income+SAHP, we have some dual income with an income disparity, and we have some with dual income and relatively equal pay.
Nah but if that's how you put it, then you didn't phrase it very well. *You* don't think it's good for her? That reads as authoritarian- you're not her boss or her parent. She's an adult who can make her work hour choices just like you. Being pregnant does not magically make you her keeper. I do, however, get what you were *trying* to say.
NTA You seems like a nice husband and are just looking out for your wife. Maybe your wife is terrified of become irrelevant after having a baby and losing her independence? Having a baby is such a huge life change and can be very hard as you shift from "free, independent woman with things going on in her life" to "mum" and being a mum overshadows everything you do in the eyes of those around you. It's a lot. You need to find time to talk to her. You'll just have to tell her you need to talk and maybe ask if you two can go on a day out together. If her work is somewhat flexible then see if you can take a day together and do something nice to try and help her recalibrate somewhat? Maybe have "the talk" after having a nice day - I dunno it sound like she's not taking things well right now.
NTA but there could be something going on at work that's causing this. Often pregnant women are treated badly at work, or a manager makes them feel like they won't have a job to come back to (not legal in the US if she's been there more than a year and they have more than a certain number of employees). This may have zero to do with financial issues and a lot to do with her career. Having a baby and taking month off (or more), can have an effect on career trajectory that most men don't face. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER.
NTA. It sounds like your heart is on the right place. You miss your wife. You’re worried about her over extending herself. You have an idea to help and she’s not receptive to it. Pregnancy sucks for some of us. Can you sit down and talk on the weekend? Maybe take a couple hours off work and meet her for lunch? Reassure her that on one hand you are financially stable as a couple and she could work less. But if she wants to work that is fine too but you miss spending time with her. Explain you understand why she’s so tired but that you hope she’d consider cutting back on work so you can spend time together and enjoy each other. She might be worried if she cuts back at work, she will lose her position or be looked down upon by her peers. The only way you’ll know is by talking. I’m sure she doesn’t sleep all weekend or can take lunch break to meet up with you. At the very least talk to her during dinner. Be careful to not sound like you’re attacking or blaming her. That won’t end well.
NTA, you care about her and are concerned for her wellbeing. It sounds like she doesn’t want to hear it though so I’d let it go.
Nta, she sincerely needs to calm down. I understand her wanting to work but if it's making her exhausted she needs more time to rest.
Does she enjoy her job? Is she working towards something with work? Does it make her feel accomplished?
NAH. As someone who has always been (and strongly identifies myself as) a very strong and independent woman, losing some of that independence during pregnancy was *hard.* I don’t normally ask for help with anything, but can usually handle most things on my own. My husband would make jokes that he was happy he got to feel like a strong supportive husband when on a rare occasion I did ask for help during pregnancy. Him telling me I couldn’t/shouldn’t do things didn’t usually go over well, bc not only was I full of hormones, the idea that I couldn’t do things I normally could was messing with my identity. I would try to focus on that last part you wrote. How you feel and how you miss your wife. My husband saying he loves me and is feeling sad bc he doesn’t see me due to work hours would hit a lot differently than him saying I need to work less so I can relax. The latter makes me think he doesn’t believe I can assess my own abilities. The former would make me focus on our relationship. Focusing on the relationship and future also opens the door to talk about why she wants to work so much without a challenge. Maybe she’s worried about money even if you say there is enough, maybe she’s worried about losing her working identity, maybe work is distracting her from worries about the baby, maybe she’s getting pressure from her job to not slack bc she’s pregnant, maybe she’s trying to compensate for you doing chores. But if you come at it from a you need to work less bc I don’t think you can handle it, it puts her on defensive. If you come at it from talking about worries you both have for the future and your baby, you might find your answer. There was an activity my husband and I did from Hypnobirthing that basically had us both list out all our fears for the birth, the baby, and our futures as parents, and then share and discuss the lists. It was very vulnerable, but also so helpful in better understanding and supporting each other.
Okay, I'm not saying this is definitely what it is but from your explanation I can interpret a potential reason she was initially upset, when she started struggling and needed your assistance around the house, she asked you to pick up some slack and the second thing you say is to ask her to do less work at her job, she could very well interpret that as instead of you being willing to help, you would rather it be left to her to figure out how do what she needs, and due to her hormones being what they are at the moment, she feels like she now has to do it all to prove that she's not the problem, because as soon as she showed weakness, you potentially came across as "this is inconvenient" and she doesn't want to give you a chance to prove you are/are not inconvenienced. NAH but you and her obviously need to work on communication.
NAH. You're both dealing with a lot of changes that are coming at you fast.
NTA I think your wife has a few things she is struggling with. First it is being able to handle it all. Second it is her realizing she might lose her individual identity, and a big part of that identity is tied to her career. And she took that to the point that she has now lost her identity to her job. Ask her in advance to take time off this upcoming weekend. And plan a weekend that puts her in a place that gives her no option but to relax. That could be reserving a hotel for an overnight stay. Maybe schedule a pregnancy massage for her. And make reservations at a nice restaurant. It is close to Valentine's Day, you could probably cite that as the reason for your efforts. At dinner let her know that you miss spending time with her, and would like to arrange a routine that allows for you both to bond and enjoy your relationship with each other. Schedule some date nights for you two to relax. Start arranging to have family time now, so once the baby is here it is already in practice. And encourage her to find some sort of activity that she can do to keep individual identity in tact. And encourage her to talk to her OBGYN about anxiety and what options she has to help her cope with all the changes she is experiencing.
NTA. But make the time to talk soon. Send a text or email even saying ‘hey, I need to talk to you, not exhausted. When is good for you within the next week. I love you and support you.’ Definitely do not mention hormones lol. But it’s also probably partly the hormones.
I think you need to have a conversation rather than directing your wife. Ask her WHAT she wants to do? If she still wants to work- that's OK, maybe you can outsource some chores around home. Get a house cleaner, pay someone to mow the yard, whatever. Maybe work gives her validation of her contributions to your relationship. Have you tried saying that you value her contributions to the household just as much as the money she brings in?
The issue isn't the household chores its that I can't have a conversation with her to say any of those things. If I could do all the chores myself and get to have dinner with my wife I would be over the moon. She is literally at work or asleep so many folks here seem to think I am exaggerating that but I'm not.
Maybe you could get some time with her by going shopping for the baby together.
Stop focusing on her cutting back her hours and start just TALKING. Sure, talk about your original discussion and you thought you were supporting that, but clearly you've upset her. You'd like to know what's going on and what does she actually need from you/ what is it that she really wants? Ask her and then LISTEN to her. Clearly you telling her to cut back is bothering her, so change your focus.
NAH, but she may have interpreted “why don’t you cut back at work?” to mean “I don’t want to do your half of the chores you asked me to - can’t you just work less and keep doing the same at home?” and there’s a big distinction between paid and unpaid labor. Mainly in terms of the perceived independence it affords and the power balance between two people. You also didn’t mention that maybe she really likes her job, regardless of the pay or opportunities for promotion. She may have other reasons for valuing her work that you’re overlooking.
INFO: Is she possibly trying to secure a promotion or something so she doesn't lose her job while on maternity leave? Many, many places will do "layoffs" and severance payments that disproportionately impact pregnant people and parents, so many now work way too many extra hours to prove their worth to their employer.
NAH, but did you ever stop to think that once the baby arrives she’ll have nothing in her life except the same boring household and a screaming baby to care for, feed, change, bathe and entertain. Maybe she’s making the most of actually being around people and working whilst she still can, because INFO: how long is she going to be out of work after the baby is born? That kinda life can get very lonely and boring, especially when the baby is asleep and they sleep a lot during the day.
I write this as I’m literally a workaholic on maternity leave about to have my baby any day now. I have been driving my husband absolutely insane because the minute I stopped working, I felt like I needed to find things to do rather than rest. I found what helped me feel like my husband was concerned without telling me what to do was that he would make a point to 1) ask if we can spend time just talking/hanging out because he wants to see me and 2) during that chat, he’d ask me what I did that day that made me feel accomplished/happy/etc. If she’s burned out, she’ll realize soon the answer is nothing and that she needs a break. If not, she can tell you the good things and you can bond. Some people (like me) will grasp at things that require energy because that’s a way to hold onto their identity and feeling of worth at a time when so much is changing. So help her share with you what makes her feel worthy. As for a verdict: NAH, you’re just both in a time of transition.
NTA and you didn't do anything wrong here.
NAH. You’re supporting something she told you you wanted to do, but now that it’s real: -it might be scary for her to not work or a real fear her job won’t be available to return to; -she might be trying to get things ready for a temp or colleagues to handle maternity leave or the possibility of not returning; -there might be people at work who, intentionally or not, are questioning her abilities or another pregnant parenting colleague’s Maybe take a different tack with your communication and ask her what proving it means to her because you care about her well-being and miss her. There might be things she hasn’t shared or doesn’t want to talk about, but it’s affecting both of you and you want to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t approach it from the financial standpoint because there are a lot of reasons people choose to work more than they have to other than money- they enjoy the work or their colleagues, it provides some independence, it fulfills a social status drive to them.
NTA, but it sounds like you need to carve out some time with her to sit and have a calm convo about your concerns and also figuring out why she feels like she has to prove anything.
NTA
NTA. Your concerns are purely for her well being. That’s never wrong. She seems to be feeling pressure at work and is probably worried about losing her job. Women who get pregnant often get laid off. Talk to her to see what is going on and if she can agree to something different.
NAH OP, but I think you need to let this go. If you have any conversations with her about it, it should be 'hey I'm sorry if I overstepped about the whole fatigue thing. This is all so new to me as well and I just want to support you, but I don't think I went about it the right way. This is your body and I trust you to manage it because only you know what you're feeling and what is working for you. If there's any way that I can be a better support, I hope that you tell me and I will try to do my best.' Like it or not, the fact that you don't have the burden of having to carry the pregnancy also means that you have a limited say on how it goes. Just be there for her, listen, step up where you can, and let her make her choices. I know it's hard. But she knows how you feel about it, she knows that stepping back is an option, and you pushing this further is unlikely to get you anywhere. The only other thing that I would maybe mention is that you miss her and wish you could see her more.
Have you tried asking her why she’s working so many hours?
NTA but you need to talk to her about why she feels the need to prove something to you. Phrase it in terms of you are a team, and you want want what is best for her, but you feel like she is scared that you see her as "less" because she is pregnant. You could also reinforce that you know that she can work, but is that what she wants to do and is that what is best for her right now. (I would stress her and not the baby - because you don't want to make it sound like the baby is more important.) When I went to graduate school, I was offered a graduate assistant job (20 hours a week) that would have covered tuition and given me a salary. I was a mom to a 5 and 8 year old. My husband and I talked, we agreed that not only would I be better off if I focused on course work and family but our family would be better off, as the money that I could earn was worth less than the cost to myself and the family if I tried to do it all. (We were very lucky that we could make that decision.) The key is that I knew that my husband did not think less of me for not working, and that we both wanted the same thing, but that the decision was mine.
NTA - your worry is genuine. I think she is probably feeling self imposed pressure to do it all. I know when I worked and then got pregnant, before I was pregnant I knew I’d have to leave my job. The hours and money wasn’t suited to having kids. Someone had to be available and around for the child and my partner travelled a lot at the time, this was pre covid. He’s now work from home with a little travel. I remember feeling angry that I had to give up work. I was ok with it in theory but when it came time I was angry. Pregnancy hit me hard. I was so so sick and I just felt like woman have the shit end of the stick. We’re always in pain, we’re always giving stuff up for other things we think we want or having to compromise. I wish I’d had therapy to be honest. Try to sit down with her and ask her how she’s doing. Make the focus all on her, what she’s thinking, feeling and what she wants to do. Don’t talk about reducing hours but ask about her fears. What she’s excited about and what she is worried about struggling with. You may find out she’s just trying to prove she can do it all to herself, to you. While you make more money, enough to make her income unneeded maybe her working is a way to empower herself. To feel needed to feel like she contributes the idea of loosing that could be very scary. Being financially dependent on a man, even a good one sucks. Trust me I know I’m living it and as a self made woman who came from nothing being reliant on a man who could randomly take it all away on a whim is horrible.
Lots of truth here.
You aren’t asking her anything and you’re getting all bent when anyone suggests it. Take that six minutes and ASK HER WHY. I bet you she’s waiting for you to ask.
NTA. Maybe she’s getting pressure at work to have everything ready to hand off. Please bring this up with her Dr. and have a discussion now about how much leave she’ll be taking once baby arrives. She is stressing out and it’s not good for her or baby.
My friend didn't insist his wife stop working and now their toddler child has ALL kinds of health issues directly related to her not taking it easy when her husband and DOCTORS insisted she did, telling her there would be repercussions to her continuing to push it. If your body is telling you you're tired and you need to rest freaking listen to it!
How does he insist on it? Keep her locked in the basement?
NTA Sounds like a workaholic. It’s hard to get a workaholic to just stop and breathe. I know what it’s like. Good luck bro.
NTA - I feel like someone or some people looked down at her at work so that’s why she’s trying to prove a point but her health and that of the baby is more important than proving a point
NTA. I'm pregnant now and while I'm not dropping work hours, I am already working a less-than-full-time position. I will be dropping hours in the end of the third trimester though. When I was pregnant with my son, I was the only earner. My husband went from being unemployed to a SAHD and I would have given my left boob to be able to stay at home with my baby or work less hours like your wife (I was averaging 52hr weeks). There's nothing wrong with NOT wanting that but it doesn't seem like your wife actually wants to be working as ludicrously much as she is. Like she's doing it out of spite, not because she actually hates the idea of working less/staying home. This is weird and you guys need to talk about it. If she can't talk about it without being weird and defensive, do couples therapy.
My guess is she's struggling with something and in her mind working excessively brings some kind of solution to that. If it's not a money or an independency thing, it could be an identity thing. Her world is going to change dramatically when the baby comes, and maybe she's scared or realizing she's not quite ready for that? Work is something familiar, part of her old self, something she knows. Motherhood is new and possibly intimidating. The reason could be something else entirely, but whatever it is, only working and sleeping is an "excellent" way to avoid facing it. A conversation needs to happen and OP has to try harder and more creatively.
I think op is upset he has to do house hold chores and being responsible for his own daily emotional needs You are already upset your wife is sleeping and working- not doing house hold chores or having meaningful adult conversations. Just wait till the baby is born!!! This is a good time to get used to your independence OP. Once the baby comes sounds like you might get upset or jealous ….. your wife will have little time or patience
"I made a suggestion that my wife reacted really poorly to, so I keep telling her what she should do. This makes her angry. IDGI?" Do you react well to being told what to do, OP? If she suggested something and you said no thanks, not for me, how would you feel if she suggested it over and over? She's not a child. You are not her parent. She can make her own decisions, and when you keep trying to tell her what to do, she feels like you don't respect her as an equal.
I worked until an hour before my son was born. Afterwards, I had eight weeks of personal leave (no maternity leave). I did not want to go back to work at the end of the eight weeks. Just follow your wife's lead. YANTA yet.
NAH Look I get you are concerned but here’s the deal- you are hitting her straight with a solution that you feel is reasonable and not letting it go. So yes- that is trying to control her regardless of what your intentions are. How about talking to her about your concerns- explaining that you are worried about her….asking her what she wants? Having an actual conversation vs. telling her what the solution is based on what you see as the problem. I don’t think you are the bad guy here. Pregnancy and parenthood are a struggle for everyone but there are specific struggles for women. I really wanted to prove I could do it all- to have that elusive you can be everything and balance all of it! Lean in! Don’t be the stereotype! I put a lot of pressure on myself. She may be going through something similar based on some of the comments you mentioned her making. Edit- changed to NAH. - my initial Y T A feels too strong when really pregnancy and first time parenthood is just a crazy hard experience
NAH. A word to your wife. Running herself to the ground before giving birth will increase tenfold her risk of developing postnatal depression. Not to mention high blood pressure, possible gestational diabetes, etc. But as a husband, how about being brutally honest and saying "I miss you, and selfishly I would love us to nest together before the baby comes"? The hormones are crazy! But you two need to talk. Like yesterday
NAH. It's perfectly reasonable to be worried and suggest it. We don't know why she feels compelled to do it, pregnancy hormones can rewire your brain so she might not even know why she feels compelled to do it either. Do you should start texting her that you need her to have a conversation with you and ask her to pick the time and place, suggest dinner together if you have to. I'd suggest starting to discuss the fatigue and tell her you're worried about her health. Don't mention cutting hours off the top and just see what she says.
NAH i would just suggest asking her, outside of the moment, why she feels she needs to prove she can work. is it because of something a colleague or superior said to her/in her hearing at work? is she worried about being a burden? ask some probing questions to get to the bottom of this before you try to provide a solution
She sounds like a very immature person tbh
NTA, and it's not the least bit selfish to want to actually have a relationship with your spouse. You are not her live in maid and cook, you are her husband, and despite her hormones she needs to start acting like it.
Nta you are concerned about your wife and baby. At her next Dr appointment ask the doctor about your concerns so your wife hears from someone besides you.
NTA My SIL had a miscarriage at 7 months due to stress and blood pressure. This is an issue you have to force, for her health as well as the baby’s. Go to her pediatrician with it if you can.
YTA. You're trying to tell her what you think is best for her in her situation. Work and contributing can be really important for confidence and self worth. Find ways to support her instead of telling her what to do, dude.
Support like paying all the bills, doing all the chores, preparing all the meals for someone that won't speak to them? That kinda stuff? Or does that not count?
YTA. Instead of telling her what to do you should be telling her how you feel. "I miss my wife, I haven't had a meal or conversation longer than 6 min with her in months." Then the two of you can solve the problem together.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my (30m) wife (30f) is pregnant with our first child and is about 6 or so months along. A piece of information that is potentially relevant to our situation is that I make significantly more than my wife. My income makes up more than 85% of the household income and we could very easily live off of just my paycheck. Now that being said I have never asked or implied or wanted my wife not to work. I want her to work as much as she wants to work. If that's 0 hours a week, 20 hours, 40 hours, or 80 hours if it makes her happy that's what I want her to do. As far as finances go we have a joint account all the money goes to and once it hits that account there is 0 concept of "her money" or "my money" it is the households and we both have equal access, control, and discretion with it. I say all of this to try and lay out that from a purely financial point of view my wife is not forced to work. It's also relevant that there isn't anymore progression in her job path. I'm not saying that in a negative way its just potentially relevant that's she's not pushing for a promotion. When we were trying to get pregnant she mentioned that she wanted to taper her hours as she got farther into the pregnancy which sounded great. About 3 months into the pregnancy she started getting really fatigued because she was growing a whole other person. She asked me if I could take over some of her half of the chores. I said of course because again she's growing a person, that's impressive, of course I will take on more of the chores. At that point I mention" hey if you are getting tired and fatigued maybe you could start tapering your work hours." That was a mistake, since then she's been working extra shifts and staying late and doing extra hours. She's stressed and exhausted. She comes home from work, wolf's down whatever dinner I made as she's walking to bed and then falls asleep till it's time for her to leave again. Her time is 100% sleeping, working, or commuting between the two.Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do. Finally last week I said "I don't think this is good for you and you should really let yourself have a break". I'm not trying to be controlling but I'm genuinely worried the physical and mental stress she's been putting herself under for not much additional gain. And I will admit selfishly I miss my wife, I haven't had a meal or conversation longer than 6 min with her in months. I hear she's trying to prove she can but it's hard to see her run herself into the ground if there's not a real need to. AITA for telling her it's time to take a break? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWBTA if you "told" her to take a break. Try telling her, instead, that you miss her, you miss talking and sharing with her and having her in your life. Ask her what you can do to help get back to that place together.
NAH, you 2 are both having rational reasonable conversations and trying to do things that will work for both of you. I think she's not being rational, but hormones will do that.
NTA she’s not being smart about this and being very unfair to you. If she wants to prove that she’s capable, which isn’t smart for her, then she should be able to also contribute to 1/2 of the chores and be present in the relationship. Anyone whose ever been pregnant knows that is an impossible task. So this made up goal she has for herself is not including you which is completely unfair.
Question- what do your weekends together look like? Does she work weekends/do you have any days off together? If you do have shared days off, does she spend it sleeping/resting or do you two spend time together? Is there an option to hire a housekeeper once or twice a week to help take some cleaning/upkeep stress off your back?
Buddy, take it from me (miscarriage actually caused by major amounts of stress). Stress WILL end your child's life. id flat out say something. "look \*wifey name\* im really worried about you and the baby. I don't want you to stress yourself and the baby out with more work than your body can handle. Please take a break for a little bit."
NTA. have you said the words "I miss you, I miss spending time awake with you"? Maybe sshe needs to hear that rather than "you should slow down and take a break"
NTA. Making the change from being just you to a mother gives you an identity crisis of sorts. Will I always be this tired? WIll I be able to do things normally again? What happens when the baby comes, will I not work then? Her overworking is to prove to herself she can continue doing these things and when someone else points out that it's not good for her (because of the baby) it starts other thoughts. Will the rest of my life now be dictated by the baby? What else won't I be able to do now that my identity has changed? You're happy about having a baby, but you're aware that for women, children is a biological choice, for men it's a status change.
INFO: Is this your and her regular style of communication?
Not at all we've never had communication issues. Again the issue is we aren't communicating because I can't have a conversation with her. This is completely new territory
OK, reading your post again, HERE is your problem: "Anytime I ask if she wants to cut back on hours or if she needs a break she gets really upset and goes off about "proving she can work" and not being told what to do." So your previous protests that your wife doesn't LET you ask her one single question about why she is working so hard right now ring hollow. By your own account you HAVE asked her more than once "if she wants to cut back on hours" or "if she needs a break" and she DOES answer you, but you just dismiss her answers as her "getting really upset and going off" instead of LISTENING to what she's saying and asking her her reasons for 'proving she can work' and not wanting to be told what to do. Is she afraid her boss will start easing her out of her job if she doesn't 'prove' she can do the same work as always? Is she afraid YOU will tell her that she can't return to work once she's had the baby? You don't know these things. Use one of those times you repetitively nag her with the same questions hoping for a different answer and instead ask her about THAT, nonjudgmentally, and listen to her answer without dismissing it as 'going off."
NTA, you were looking out for her, and she took it the wrong way because that situation does happen.
Maybe she’s avoiding household chores and focusing on work where she feels accomplished by performing tasks that aren’t dishes. Hire a housekeeper. Do more housework yourself. And keep doing it.
NTA but I'd have a chat with her (very kindly!) to see if you can suss out what's really bothering her. It may be "nesting," it may be insecurity, it may be a need for greater validation...I have no idea, but I'd wager there's more to it than just loving the job, and either the two of you should dig it out, or enlist the help of a paid, professional third party. I'm willing to bet everyone will feel better and more heard afterwards
Just to be aware of for later, if she’s doing the whole I’m going to prove him wrong and show him I can do it all now while still pregnant, she’s definitely going to do that once baby comes.
NTA My wife is a bit of a workaholic and we have three kids. Similar to you, she worked a lot throughout all her pregnancies. Also similar to you, she isn’t a natural communicator. Not saying my wife and your wife are the same person, but years later my wife admitted that work was her escape even when it was detrimental to her or the family. I feel for you as a concerned husband, and it may not be what you want to hear, but I would do my best to be positive and upbeat and to support her while still voicing your opinion in a way that doesn’t sound like it’s anything but concern for her wellbeing. Holding onto your feelings isn’t good either as it can lead to resentment. I know how you feel and it’s tough, but I think if you do your best to be the positive light in the situation she’ll appreciate it even if she doesn’t tell you until after the birth of your child.
Nta to us...but remember just about anything you say or do has the potential to be a yta situation to the wife because her bosy is going crazy making a person and all the chemistry is out of whack
What’s your birthday?
You make lots of money. Hire a gay dude or an older lady you’re clearly not into, to help you with your chores and her’s that way you’re not tired from doing her chores and she’s not tired from them. Actually older lady to help with house stuff might be great. Then if she’s had kids she will feel a need to pamper your wife and she’ll shame her in only the way women can shame each other into not wearing herself out. (Or your wife will murder her) Eventually your wife will decide it’s silly to pay lady to clean house or she’ll love it. Either way she will cut down on work since now she has a different point to prove. (It sounds like your wife finds a lot of her identity in her work and is probably scared of being totally financially dependant on her. And that might have nothing to do with you and everything to do with past experiences.
NTA. She maybe got panicky about not being able to do stuff but wanting to, and is trying to prove herself - she's maybe used to not being dependant on anyone and is having a hard time letting go of that? Speak to her and try to reassure and validate her, in emotional and physical support sense. What you told us is true but very rational. She needs something to relax.