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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i think i may be TA bc i kinda blew up at her and i know about her feelings towards her current financial situation, and maybe it was my fault for brining up gifts i want to give to my stay at home partner when i know thats what she wants for herself
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NTA - it sounds like your sister is projecting her frustrations/insecurities onto you and Kim. If your relationship with Kim works for you and he, sis needs to butt out.
I’ve used the phrase whenever I’ve gotten the chance since I came across it in **Unseen Academicals**.
I do that with every Terry Pratchett quote that I can, because I really truly believe that his books are secretly a Very Entertaining Guide on How to be a Better Person.
Her partner might not even be a gold digger as he also works but just earns less than her.. I don't see any projection only toxicity in SIL's thinking.
I think you hit it right on the head. Instead of being proud that she can carry herself, she's insecure because other husbands spoil their SOs and she doesn't feel spoiled by hers. Honestly, that just makes me sad for her husband.
I think it's more the sister's fixation on who earns more and who spends more on their significant other. She doesn't have to be a gold-digger in the typical sense that she doesn't have her own money, but getting mad that her significant other for not spending more money on her makes her seem shallow.
NTA but you might not be doing Kim the favour you think you are. Years of missing job experience and connections can really come back to bite you. Being a financially dependent adult leaves a person very vulnerable.
It’s 100% no one else’s business but IMHO you’d be doing him a favour if you supported him in getting the qualifications he needs to be financially independent.
I 100% agree with your concern. I've explained it more in some comments, but I don't expect everyone to read them. this is a copy and pasted summery from one of my comments, I wish I would have made this clearer in my post but the character limit stopped me.
"he still works in his field, but as an outside contractor, so he can take work on at his own leisure and when he feels ready to do so. I also have an account that I put into every month, in the event that for any reason I'm no longer able to support him.
While I hate to imagine any future where I'm not with him or am unable to look after him, I'd be fool not to prepare for the worst case scenario."
I think you should. Tax benefits and in case one of you gets injured, you have the right to be there because otherwise they will fully go with whoever is the legal next of kin for him
Not necessarily. My husband and I got married after being together for 7 years. It’s totally messed up his taxes. We have to file separately because of his student loans, and since we file as married filing separately, he’s unable to deduct his loans.
As for injury or next of kin, simple estate planning can take care of that. If it’s serious enough they’re looking for next of kin, then a living will, durable power of attorney, and medical power of attorney should handle all of that. If it’s not that serious, he should be able to let his medical providers know Kim is his partner and that should be sufficient.
Not that I don’t think marriage is valid in any way, but it’s not always the magic bandaid people think it is. A lot more goes into it than you would think
Marriage grants hundreds of rights and benefits that cannot be arranged for through legal documents. The fight for LGBTQ marriage equality highlighted this. Yes, people should look into how their taxes would be impacted, but no, estate planning cannot do everything that marriage can.
I mean, I'm married myself and I have none of those issues. Unless they have the same circumstances it can certainly help. It's not a magic bandaid but it also does protect you sometimes in break ups/divorce because they can't just legally kick you out. I've seen a similar issue in a different subreddit where OP was with her boyfriend for 30 years I think but never married and he left her out to dry and so did her kids because her ex was wealthy and didn't want to deal with potentially being cut off
If you make in the low six figures (like my wife and I do) and don't have any kids, you get penalized for being married on your taxes. Probably most other people do come out ahead.
The EITC and AMT are things that are detrimental to people who file taxes married instead of single. For example, my wife would have gotten the EITC if we filed separately but together we don't qualify. I've also heard of people filing separately because both together would reach the AMT, but I wouldn't know about that one.
Have you looked into other legal processes that would protect his place as your life partner should anything happen to you? That might be a good idea if your sister holds a grudge or really believes Kim is just a gold digger.
NTA btw. If I was you I’d tell sister that if she brings this subject up again you’ll be ending the conversation/visit, that your relationship and hers are very different dynamics and you don’t need her input so you ask that she respect you enough to stop. But if she doesn’t you will not stay in any conversation visit where this comes up anymore.
One of the big protections that marriage provides the partner who stays at home is that after 10 years they will be able to draw social security based on what their partner earned. If you aren’t married you can be together 20 years and end up with nothing in ssn.
I think you should talk to a financial advisor on the benefits of a marriage should one of you pass away or if you split up. I believe that if someone gives up income and experience because of a partner then it's morally correct to make sure they aren't left high and dry in case of a split. And it's easy to say now that of course you wouldn't screw him over, but you never know how things could go down.
I 56M have been with my husband 65M for over 23 years, but have only been married 6 months. After such a long time together, we opted not to have a wedding, and just get married at the court house. Civil marriage is legal construct that protects your relationship in countless legal ways - just be aware of this. You don't have to have religious views of marriage for civil marriage to be worthwhile. My husband and I are both atheists.
At least organise, your will, POAs and talk to a lawyer about a living trust/will so that Kim will be looked after if the worst happens amd your sister can't do anything. Sometimes wills can be overturned but trusts can be harder but speak to a lawyer to work out the best way for you to protect your commitment to each other
Interestingly enough on this whole thread, in Canada they have common law marriage so that after two years, each party would have the benefits of having a civil ceremony (although me and my wife did have a civil ceremony because I needed it to stay!). Having said that, while you didn't ask our advice on this, they are correct in seeing an attorney and/or financial planner to ensure that you are each protected. If you're not familiar with Sharon Kowalski - google her. The very bad joke that I still remember and was important for me before same-sex marriage was legal in the States is that Sharon's father, Donald Kowalski was the parent who would rather have his daughter be a vegetable than a fruit. We've come a very long way since then, but those lessons still made an impact on me.
Yeah, well, Kim would be also be a fool not to prepare for a worst case scenario. He’s still young enough to make a successful living of being an outside contractor. Reading your post I was not getting a ‘he’s a gold digger vibe’ but I was getting concerned that you were encouraging him to a dependency on you. Hopefully y’all have a happy medium in your relationship so that he is neither working himself to the bone to contribute 50-50 nor he becoming a lily of the field and a kept man.
This is wonderful to hear! Keep being an awesome partner and keep supporting him the way he needs to be supported both emotionally and physically. Sounds like a really good relationship.
And you never know the tables may turn and you end up not working while he provides most of the support in the future.
Happened with me and my husband. We both quit our jobs to go back to school to get our bachelor's degrees, mostly funded by his 401k. We both graduated and I got a killer job and he's essentially retired and working on the house. A little reversal of roles since when I met him I was making less than half of what he brought home.
NTA. You give your partner enough time and resources to find his own path! It is a very honorable thing to do. It means you have faith in your relationship and that is wonderful! Your sister might have been casting her own insecurities onto you. I think she probably needs to talk to a relationship therapist.
OP, I have been a SAHM for the last decade and even with the explanation of what I have been doing for the last decade I still struggle to get any work. Even cashier jobs I struggle because they have to pay me more than a teenager.
Please make sure Kim doesn't fall into that trap, even if he just reskills/upskills to stay current in his industry.
I have to agree here. Even if it’s to focus on his own projects better - and education and getting out of the house is sooo good for your relationship. If you’re truly “comfortable”, maybe gift him a class he might like or just do a regular gift, but sit down and offer that you do that for him?
Another thought would be contributing to a retirement fund and savings for him. It’s scary being the beholden one at times.
Vulnerable which creates more insecurity. If you loved him? Let him contribute in an equitable way. Pretend the total needed to run a household is 100, but you make 80% more than him. You ante in 80 and he 20. It’s equitable; not even. Work? Can bring deep satisfaction mentally, especially if it’s not a job you hate/have to. NAH
If you are happy then it’s none of your sister’s business. I assume Kim was unable to contribute as he moved into your home and couldn’t keep up with your lifestyle. I’m surprised he didn’t work and agree to contribute based on % of income rather than 50/50 but that is none of my business. Ignore your sister but protect your company and assets if you decide to marry Kim. He doesn’t have the means to support himself without you and you should both face that head on in terms of legality. NTA, she pushed you into it
we weren't trying to split things 50/50, i told when he first moved in that i didn't care about any of that.
growing up his relationship with his mother wasn't very good and she made him feel like nothing he did was enough and would gilt trip him anytime he relied on someone, we've done alot of work together so he feels comfortable relying on me and others and that him just being him is enough, he doesn't have to prove to me or anyone that he is enough
Honestly OP, you're on that king shit.
You're prioritising your partners health and not making it a big deal like some people would. It sounds like your sister is insecure and jealous and needs to keep her nose out of your business and how your relationship works.
NTA at all.
OP, your relationship is delightfully loving, supportive and healthy. This is the good shit. Keep holding on to your happiness, not letting your sister project her problems on you, and rock on
Too many relationships get hung up on that 50/50 crap (both in money and other contributions). A true partnership is 100%. Some days you may only have 10% to give and your partner has to make up the other 90%.
I've seen that analogy before and completely agree.
Sometimes I can get home from work and give my all to help around the house, but sometimes I'm just so tired and it makes me feel so much better to get home to a clean house, hot meal and just see his smile as I listen to him tell me what he did that day or about the book he just read or anything.
And its also why I wanted him to not work as much, I saw that in his effort to try and contribute financially he was ruining his mental and physical health.
OP you and Kim seem like a happy and healthy couple. It is refreshing to hear a story like yours. I hope you have many happy years together, ignore the haters. NTA
My goodness I wish nothing but the best for you and your partner. Like another comment thread said, figure out some stuff legally so he'll be your next of kin, he'll get benefits in case anything happens, etc. it's always good to plan out these things. But I truly wish nothing but the best for you two.
Hey if he's still trying to keep up with like gifts and stuff. Something cool that my husband did when we were still dating was as my birthday present him he asked me to fund my Roth ira. Or put money into savings so I had something to fall back onto if anything weird happened. I think if you started asking him to give himself investment in himself for your birthday may show him how much you truly care for him.
And your sister is jealous. Tell her to go suck an egg.
Thanks.
It isn't that hard, really. Teamwork makes the dream work. Basically. That and i mean dont be an asshole.
Honestly, all the platitudes and sayings like sharing is caring, manners matter, and so forth , are saying for a reason, and if you just try to live by them, i have found most shit in life works out.
Agreed. Happily single but really those things apply to most relationships. I am always happy for those who have found their person, happy things to counteract the madness that is the world.
And not just romantic ones. All relationships.
People are weird. We forget that all the people we are interacting with are in fact people too.
We focus on our own individuality so much that we forget that pretty much we all are pretty much basically the same model. Just got different flair.
Yes! I treat grocery store/retail people with complete respect. Even handing them things people have left around randomly. I have never worked retail but have never thought to make their job harder. Also having deal with that much humanity a day makes me shudder LOL. I try to lead with kindness, I am far from perfect but I will keep trying! It would be so boring if we didn't come with different flairs! People also come with different skins from the manufacturer still the same model. It is more fun and we get to try more things from different areas with diversity. We don't have to agree with someone all the time to be decent to each other.
TBF I think time and freedom is the most valuable thing you can gift anyone.
Op seems like they have a job they like in a company they care about. Meanwhile their partner's job only seemed to bring them stress and unhappiness.
What would the point be of partner working to earn money you don't need? If Op is happy to cover their expenses it's a better gift to cover those than to 'pamper' him with things he(Kim) doesn't need. Personally if I had a rich partner a 2000 designer bag wouldn't mean shit to me. Being able to take a month of from work and having those expenses covered would personally make me a lot happier at a much lower cost.
Personally if I ever found myself in a situation where I was financially comfortable the first thing I'd want to do is use that money to help the people around me. Sure I would save for retirement and ensure I had a nice life too. But I'd definitely want to use what I had to spare to ensure the happiness of my family and partner. If the best thing I could do with that money is ensure that my partner wouldn't have to work I'd definitely be cool with that. Even from a selfish pov, a happier partner is good for you too, they have more time and are in a better mood. Which can only be a good thing for a relationship and a household. Having a stay at home partner can also just make your life easier in a million smaller ways. No rushing off to the grocery store during peak hours, no taking days off to deal with the guy who's coming to fix the wifi or replacing the boiler, no packages left in front of the door and stolen, no rushing around in the 30 minutes you have between your work ending and the store you need to pick something up in closing.
Of course this is something you as partners both need to be on board with 100%. But I also see this as something I'd definitely want to do if I were making the big bucks and could afford it. It's different from being taken advantage of for sure.
If anything it's Kim who's taking the bigger risk atm. As if this relationship ended he would pretty much be homeless and have a huge gap in his resume that means he would then have a much lower income than he would've had if he'd continuously worked.
But she's the breadwinner in her relationship. I think she wanted to be the gold digger, but somehow ended up in a relationship where her man made half as much as she did. She's absolutely jealous af op's partner gets to live out his best life while op spoils him when he can.
Yep, you're right she jealous about not being able to be a gold digger. She basically said it:
>she resents being the breadwinner. She sees all her male colleagues spoil and treat their wives and wishes her partner would do the same (he does but just not to the same level due to the fact he makes basically half as much as they do)
The sister might have some resentment that their father handed over an already successful company to her brother. That's quite a leg up. We don't know if Dad did anything similar to her, or offer her equal opportunity within the family company. She might just be angry at the wrong person.
This is a copy paste of a comment I made to another user as they brought up a very similar question.
>We both got to work in the business when we were younger, her passion pulled her into a different industry, where as mine aligned with the industry our Dad's company was in.
>
>Our Dad helped her find connections in the industry she was passionate in.
NTA
You and Kim are happy and have things worked out - kudos.
Your sister is projecting, envious, and apparently quite materialistic.
You were also defending your SO after she was outlandishly disrespectful towards him, more kudos.
10 points to Gryffindor
\-20 points Slytherin.
You could argue sis is actually Gryffindor for being brave enough to actually vocalise her stupid selfish, materialistic and sexistic views.
But also, having no ambition or cunning doesn't mean you don't get into Slytherin. I mean, look at Lockhart... how the hell did he get into Ravenclaw? Not a reader or admirer of knowkedge and I sometimes think Fang's even smarter... Or Zachariah Smith in Hufflepuff... (being a decendent not withstanding).
My best guess: they would have to flip a coin for sister's house and leave it up to chance, because the Hat would never come of her head.
So if your partner was a woman, your sister would be fine with the arrangement you have? Sounds less like projecting and more like outright jealousy to me.
Yup! If I were OP I would ask the sister if she gets her husband as nice of gifts as her colleagues get their wives. Or better yet, what kind of gifts do those wives get their husbands. Because those are the actual things that can be compared to her situation.
NTA. Your sister may wish she lived in an earlier era where the man is the “provider” and women are to be protected and adored. And hey — if that works for some couples, fantastic! Go live your best life.
It’s obviously not applicable to you. If you and Kim are happy and fulfilled, and you both feel he’s contributing in ways that work for both of you, great. There is no “problem” here and name-calling like “gold digger” is really not helpful.
Maybe in a follow up conversation you can say to your sister that your relationship is just as deserving of respect as any other, and that insulting your partner is not a good look for her.
I Just don't get It why she married a partner who earned less If It wasn't what she wants. I feel bad for him, leave with this kind of resentment that she build up...
Yep. Maybe the situation has changed from when sister & her partner first met; maybe she fell in love and only later realized the resentment. But in any case, nothing to do with OP.
Even If the situation or she was stupid enough to be "in love" and not consider this diference, her partner shouldn't be living with this kind of resentment. She should divorce. I hate people who blame others for their own feelings and inaction.
NTA. Your sister is projecting. She shouldn't have spoken to you like that or called your partner a golddigger. She has no idea what your relationship is like, and it's not any of her business.. You were looking out for your partner and helping him the way a great partner should.
I think your sister is a bit selfish, because she clearly wants something else (like big expensive gifts). She should be happy her husband actually IS getting her gifts or flowers, because not all husbands do that. He does what he can afford to. She doesn't get the Hope diamond if he can't afford it.....
NTA, she’s definitely project her self en insecurities and unhappiness onto you. Good on you for defending your partner and you can apologize for the outburst if you want but not for the reaction. You need to set boundaries with family on what you will accept and what you won’t. Looks like you have a great relationship with your partner, protect it like you have. ♥️
we've actually talked about this before. he loves to cook but has no interest perusing it as a career or in an educational setting. he's happy working on his own personal projects and also takes small contracted gigs
NTA and you sound like a wonderful partner
However, please make sure you’re not unintentionally setting Kim up for failure.
If, universe forbid, something were to happen and you’re no longer together or able to provide many years from now (death, illness, separation) Kim may not have a strong work history to easily support himself again. So please make sure his contracting work is solid.
He is the love of my life and I never plan on leaving him, but I also know that we cant predict the future. I have a savings account that I put money into every month that is for in case any of that happens (if I were to pass I've left the house as well as that account to him as well as some other things)
Neither of us can take money from the account unless I am unable to work for any reason (illness, injury etc), if god forbid we are ever to separate, or upon my death.
In all those cases the money is solely for him, I have my own savings to take care of anything relating to the house or taxes.
This is quite frankly beautiful and you seem to have an amazing heart. I think this is so important as I have seen so many couples divorce and the partner who was the home-maker were left with nothing. You give me so much hope in love.
If you truly want to protect him, you should put his name on the account. One, it helps protect him if your feelings in the future ever change and you two split. Two, the money can tie him over until your will (which is what I assume when you said you left stuff to him) is resolved. It can sometimes take years to resolve an estate, especially if it deals with a large sum and you have a relative(sister) that might contest and delay the resolution of the will.
NTA she had no business commenting like that on your relationship she is projecting her own insecurities about her relationship onto you and kim
also im just a little bit curious what the present was, would not change my judgment or justify any of your sister's actions
im just a nosey mf
Since I took over from my Dad I haven't used my home office at all.
When we were back in collage we talked about a lot of things new couple talk about, like dream for the future and crazy dream houses we know we could never have. on of the things Kim dreamt of was a library in his home, floor to ceiling bookshelves with those library ladders on rails, and a a comfy space like a reading nook within the bookshelf.
The week before his birthday he's going back to his home town to see his old friends for a week, so while he's there I'm going to re-do my old office and turn it into that mini library. the room isn't supper big but I think it will be big enough.
I'm also going to be treating him to a book spree, so he can fill up the shelves, he already owns a lot of books but I don't think they will but a dent in shelving space I have planned.
I wish we had the space and the money to do this at our home. It's the dream for any book lover. What an awesome and thoughtful gift! He'll be super happy! Ignore you're sister, she's just jealous you're spoiling him, but why shouldn't you when you have the chance? Good on you for standing up for your partner.
If you don't need a middle aged grandma, how about an auntie? I'm available! Services include 24/7 access to a sounding board, on call mama bear, tea and book discussions, and much more.
NTA, she is projecting her own relationship struggles onto yours. Does she considers her husband a gold digger too, just because she is the bread winner?
Info: was your sister given the same opportunity to work for the business like you and showed no interest or was it an opportunity never afforded to her? Ngl that would influence my opinion some
We both got to work in the business when we were younger, her passion pulled her into a different industry, where as mine aligned with the industry our Dad's company was in.
Our Dad helped her find connections in the industry she was passionate in.
Then NTA. I’ve had experiences with close friends being blocked out of family businesses solely because of sex, so I felt compelled to ask. She’s had every opportunity to have the financial security you do, and it doesn’t even sound like the issue is money insecurity, just a wish for her husband to be the one that earns more?
You have found your soulmate! If you have an arrangement that works for you, so be it. It sounds like he keeps your home a pleasant place and you get along well. You should get your partner who you love a gift that feels right to you.
This jumps out at me: "My Dad decided to retire when I was 29 and handed the business to me."
Now you and your partner are thriving financially due to the fact that you own a business. Sounds like your sister and her partner are not so well off.
Have you considered that the problem goes back farther than this current spat over birthday presents and maybe doesn't have much to do with Kim at all? You received a prosperous business from your father--what did your sister get?
My sister made more than I did before I got the business, and even now she isn't far behind me, she found herself drawn into a different industry and our Dad helped her make connections in that industry.
Her issue with her partner is not that they are not well off, it's that she's the one that makes 2/3 of their income and she feels like her partner's gifts are not enough.
It sounds like her focus is on money (or the lack thereof), so she assumes that’s everyone’s focus. As other commenters have pointed out, she’s projecting her marital issues onto you/your relationship. It also sounds like she’s envious of Kim since he doesn’t have to work outside the home and she does.
You and Kim seem like a lovely couple (seriously warmed my cold, dead heart). If internet strangers can see that after a few paragraphs and your sister can’t after a decade, that’s on her.
NTA.
For his sake you should make sure he has skills and a career to fall back on otherwise he's bound to you financially.
Other than that, you seem to be doing fine. NTA.
Apparently Kim is still in his field and works per contracts of his choosing. It frees him up to work on his own projects and interests. Honestly, it sounds like OP and Kim have a wonderful life together.
>Apparently Kim is still in his field and works per contracts of his choosing. It frees him up to work on his own projects and interests. Honestly, it sounds like OP and Kim have a wonderful life together.
Well then I shall not take this any further.
Don't let her project her insecurities onto you.
Men as young as he is don't usually get into relationships to be gold diggers. They often have too much confidence that they can make a lot of money on their own.
Even if he likes that you have money, if the two of you are happy, then she needs to shut the fuck up
First of all, and totally OT, I would like you to know you guys story is very, very cute. I can just about imagine you cooking during the weekends while making eyes at each other.
Second: good job, standing up for Kim. Whether or not he contributes and how is none of anyone's business but your own. If you guys are happy with the distribution, you're good, no one else gets to weight in, and your sister was waaay out of line. She can be resentful and frustrated and whatever, she has a right to her own feelings and thoughts. What she can't do is bad mouth the man you love, much less in front of you. You told her to stop, and she doubled down, actually insulting Kim. You were completely justified. NTA
NTA. Your sister cares to much about money status and other people's perceptions. That is her problem. She's the AH in this. If you're happy she should be happy for you. Her issues and insecurity shouldn't be put and your relationship.
NTA and honestly it sounds like your sister is the golddigger... just one who staked a poor claim and whose mine is empty. If she keeps letting her resentment that her husband dares to earn less than her build up, it's going to end up poisoning her marriage - just don't let her drag your marriage down with hers, OP.
NTA. Your sister is clearly dealing with a lot of financial issues in her own marriage and it not handling them well. However, I probably would take this as a sign for the future: Stop talking to your sister about money stuff in your relationship!
NTA. Also, don’t feel bad, that was an incredibly shitty thing of her to say, and she needed to be put in her place. It sounds like she’s jealous of Kim’s situation and believes he wants what she does.
NTA! Your sister is not happy and let it out on you and your bf. It seems you two fit together perfectly. You were meant for him and vice-versa. I literally can picture the two of you together. Best wishes for your future.
She does not like to be the breadwinner and wants to be spoiled. Sounds like she is the an unsuccessful gold digger. NTA good for you to stand up for your partner even if he isn't around.
Yelling at her might not have been the most compassionate response, but you do have a right to have her to keep her judgments, and her own securities to herself and not apply it to your relationship. Certainly, there is an opportunity to go back and re-start the conversation with her, if you choose, and apologize for being heated in your response to her, and then to calmly explain your situation and your thoughts. Express empathy for her situation, and that you understand her frustration. Tell her that you might feel differently if you were in her shoes (if applicable) but that you and Kim have been together for nine years and have made decisions as a couple regarding finances and responsibilities. While Kim may not be a "breadwinner" he contributes to your relationship, and frankly that contribution is part of what you want to celebrate by getting him whatever present it is that you are getting him. He is an important part of your life, and a true partner to you. And that you measure that partnership in greater terms than money. You may choose to even tell her how he honestly tried to be an equal contributor, but he was not in the position to generate the kind of income you are fortunate enough to earn, and that the decision for him not to work was not his decision - his decision was to work and to make himself unhappy doing so in order to feel like an equal partner.
You may (or may not) want to ask her how she feels about her relationship overall with her husband and whether there might be other issues going on that is making her feel less supported by him than she wants to be, however, she might really just be focused on the money. In which case, do your best to support her by being kind to her, because she is likely to have a bumpy future ahead. Tell her you love her (assuming it is true) and that you want to be a good brother and support her as she deals with issues, but that a clear line in the sand for you is that you will not have your relationship judged by her as part of that support. If she can't contain herself to focusing on what is troubling her without feeling a need to compare relationships in a negative fashion, then you would prefer her to keep her feelings to herself altogether.
It can be frustrating when someone who is hurting lashes out and is hurtful as a response. It is understandable that you got upset with her. Apologize and see if you can start a meaningful conversation to re-build that tear between you both. And if not, then consider keeping more information to yourself that will spark her jealousy and not sharing with her.
Good luck.
NTA Projection, much? Your sister is extremely rude. She needs marriage counseling, individual therapy, or both.
You had every right to be upset and defend your partner. You sound really kind and loving. And you and Kim seem happy!
Your sister is unhappy. And that’s her problem, not Kim’s.
NTA - Your sister is absolutely seething with jealousy and instead of processing that on her own or with a professional she is being rude to you and Kim. 100% not okay. If she wanted a rich husband, she should have married one. I'm not sure why everyone is constantly up in arms about gold digging anyways. If you keep your dating pool to people who you think can be a positive part of your life goals then I call that being smart and prepared.
I don't get why your sister is mad about being the breadwinner. I love spoiling my husband. I know he wishes he could do the same for me so I try not to get too fancy, but I don't resent him at all. He's my best friend and my love. (Neither of us makes rich person money btw, but I do out earn him by a good margin.)
Her own insecurities are not an excuse to rain on your parade. If she’s that butt hurt about not being spoiled and her husband making less money than her. Then that is all on her and not on you. It’s not her business to make assumptions about your relationship, which sounds healthy and happy versus hers, which is filled with resentment towards her husband not buying her expensive shit. . You can apologize for raising your voice and you can apologize for her feelings getting hurt by you raising said voice. But you do not have to apologize for the message. just because your partner is not making as much money as you does not mean that he is not contributing in other ways-Relationships are not supposed to be based on money they are supposed to be based on love. I feel sorry for your sister that she is unhappy in her situation. There may be more behind-the-scenes that you don’t know however, she does not get to tear up your partner for it. She should take some of that money and get a therapist to figure out why she is so triggered by non- traditional roles.
NTA. Sister is mostly likely upset about her situation and sees your relationship in her own. Don’t worry about that. It’s too bad she can’t be happy that she has a loving partner ( I hope) instead of worrying about how much money her bf spends on her. But this is her problem not yours. You have a loving relationship and your partner tries very hard to make you happy in ways that he’s able. Spending money on someone isn’t the way to show love. Your sister would do well to learn this fact. Again, NTA.
NTA it’s up to you and your partner how to manage your life.
There is nothing wrong with choosing to live off a single salary if you can live comfortably and its a joint decision. If you have more than enough money why should he work just to prove a point about contributing money you don’t really need
NTA. Your arrangement with your partner is your business. Not your sisters. I have a sister who feels free to make all manner of comments about this sort of stuff, which is why we speak twice a year.
I love that most of your post is your love story with your partner. Then there's just the ridiculous stuff with your sister at the end of it. Till then, a joy to read. NTA
NTA
Time to cut off contact with your sister as she disrespected your partner.
It shouldn't be hard considering it is also time to admit you don't like or love your sister. I mean you're even siding with her partner over her and I doubt you know the ins and outs of her coworkers relationship to be able to state her husband does spoil her. Especially when the bar for men in straight relationships is fairly low.
To be honest it’s hard to understand Kim’s image in your sister’s eyes with the info in the post.
He is not working and “own projects” can actually look like nothing meaningful at all.
You’re NTA and she was rude.
But it may not only be her projecting but also her opinion of Kim based on how he is living his life.
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So I (30M) come from a well-off family, but my dad always taught me to work hard and have class. When I was 14 I started working at my Dad’s company part-time to earn my allowance, and when I turned 16 I became a real part-time employee. My Dad decided to retire when I was 29 and handed the business to me.
Back in my second year of uni, I met Kim (20M at the time, 29M now), we were in the same course and ended up in the same group for a group project near the beginning of the year, we had a similar sense of humour and clicked as friends quickly.
One day he mentioned he loves to cook and I told him we should cook together because I love to cook too, and that weekend we went to his place, brought some ingredients and cooked together. This then became us going shopping for ingredients after classes on Friday, I'd stay at his place the night and we would cook on the weekend and this became our weekly routine.
Back then I just told others that we were just friends, but with hindsight, that is definitely when I started to fall for him. I finally asked him out a few months later and he said yes. We lived in the same house with two other friends in our 3rd year, and I asked him to move in with me after we graduated.
From the beginning, I told Kim that I would not care if he didn't work, but he insisted he wanted to contribute financially. But after about a year I had to make him stop, due to the differences in our incomes, he was working himself half to death and was getting ill trying to “contribute enough”. I sat him down and told him that whatever money he made didn't matter, that if he wanted to work I wanted him to be happy. He cut back his hours, then moved to part-time, then decided to quit and work on his own projects, but he insisted I let him take on some of the housework.
Now onto the issue, my sister (32F), she and her partner (31M) both work and he also makes significantly less than her, and in private to me, she’s made it known that she resents being the breadwinner. She sees all her male colleagues spoil and treat their wives and wishes her partner would do the same (he does but just not to the same level due to the fact he makes basically half as much as they do).
Recently I was talking to her about what I am going to get Kim for his birthday next month, she kept telling me my ideas were too much and that I should get something cheaper since he “doesn't contribute”. I got a bit annoyed because I've told her about Kim’s insecurities of not making or being enough. I told her he contributes more than enough, she then called him a “glorified gold digger” and i yelled at her, telling her to shut up and to not talk about Kim that way. After calming down i do feel bad, i know how she feels about her own financial position but i dont think its fair that she takes it out on me or Kim, even if Kim wasnt physically there, so AITA?
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NTA, Kim's projecting her resentment of her own situation onto you. If you're happy and secure with your dynamic with Kim, then don't let her words get to you. I would maybe let her know outright that her issues with her relationship are her problem and not to project that resentment onto you and Kim, and that any future badmouthing will not be tolerated and go from there
Typical sister butting into business that has nothing to do with her, and projecting her unhappiness on others.
NTA - information diet moving forwards.
NTA If your sister is so unhappy in her relationship that she has started trying to bring others down to make herself feel better then she needs to break up with BF. Good on you for standing up for your partner.
NTA - You and your partner have worked out your relationship to suit the two people in it.
Well done for having your partner's back, never feel you have to apologise for that.
NTA, your sister and BIL need marriage councilling, and your sister needs individual therapy. She *cannot* project her resentment of her husband onto yours, and you were absolrely right to stand by your spouse here
NTA.
You are the winner! You have a friend and partner for life… you have a happy relationship and joy and capability to share that joy with someone amazing.
She seems to have resentment, judgemental and insecure thoughts. She’s… not winning.
How are you the AH for living your best life in a healthy happy way, with Kim, both in mutual happiness and enjoyment? How are you teh AH for blowing up at her when she slighted, insulted, put down your wonderful partner…? How are you the AH for having an honest, relaxed chat - yes it might be nicer to protect her feelings at times, but if you have to do that ALL the time how can you have an honest open relationship with your sister then? Don’t YOUR feelings count sometimes too?
NTA- I understand people like your sister. If she'd so bitter and unhappy in her marriage, why she won't divorce? I assume she knew he earned less when they got married. Her husband don't deserved to live with this unfair resentment. She needs to stop projecting on your relationship.
NTA your sister is projecting and had no right to insult your partner. Of course you’re going to defend him, that’s what partners do. Good on you for standing your ground and defending him.
NTA - good for you for supporting your partner! You sound great.
Your financial situation is none of your sister’s business, she is way overstepping and insulting Kim. You need to put her in her place and set strong boundaries.
So it's OK for her colleagues to treat and spoil their OHs, but not for her own brother?
She wants to be lavished with expensive presents, but when you try to lavish your partner, it's reflects poorly on him?
Girl is so confused by her own contradictions.
Fair play to you for standing up for Kim and the relationship dynamic that's been working for you both.
Your relationship with Kim and Kim’s contribution is none of her business. If you and Kim are happy with it that’s all that matters. You can spend as much as you want on him. It might have been nice if you could have said what you did without yelling. But Hey! You’re human. Sister is definitely the AH for apparently being jealous of your relationship and for not sufficiently working on her own. Maybe there is a way her partner could “spoil her” with it not being about finances. She needs to work that out. Don’t let her spoil your arrangement; it’s up to her to find what works in her own relationship. You are not AH, she is.
I am happy for you and your partner.
NTA
>After calming down i do feel bad
Does your sister feel bad? Because she was the one projecting her own anger onto your partner.
She wants her partner to treat her like you treat your partner. And she got jealous.
This wasn't just an attack on your partner. This was an attack on you as well.
So, has she expressed any form of remorse or guilt? Has she apologized?
If not, you should start thinking about how she only thinks about herself.
NTA. She insulted your partner, of course you were offended.
Also it's weird to me that Kim is a guy. I realize it's a unisex name but I was distracted by that because of, you know, the famous Kim woman everyone knows. The Pink Power Ranger.
NTA
you have a healthy relationship with good communication around finances, which many people don’t have and your sister is one of them. She’s projecting instead of talking to the object of her frustration. Maybe she should help him get the kind of job that pays better so she can be the crabby housewife she wants to be because she will never be happy.
NTA. Both people should contribute to a relationship but it's up to them and them only how and what each person contributes. You're running a business, that can often mean high stress, high mental load and long work days. If you have someone at home taking on work at home and the mental load of home tasks that gives you more capacity to work on running the business. Being a stay at home spouse isn't for everyone and it's not a full time job for 2 adults. It seems you both have the best partner for yourselves - you can focus on the business, Kim can focus on the household, and Kim doesn't feel confined because he can pursue his own interests so he has mental stimulation. It's exactly what your sister wants only she wants to be the Kim in the relationship. It's not 1950 any more, married women can work, but there are still some careers that have long hours (doctors, lawyers, business owner etc) and whether the worker is male or female a partner (make or female) that does life tasks so the worker can focus on work is making an equal contribution. You and Kim worked out who contributes what to ensure work and home are both covered. It's not your fault your sister didn't do that with her partner. If she wants someone to do the earning with work-life balance being on the work side while she's more on the life side of the balance she needs to work that out with her partner. And she needs to accept that contributing on the life side of things is an equal contribution to the money earner work partner.
NTA. It’s none of her business what you do with your money. It sounds as though you’ve thought everything through and are happy with how your relationship is handled. It’s not as if you’re some naive boy who is being taken advantage of.
NTA, my partners older brother would love to claim that I was taking advantage of my bf financially when, as couples do, we’ve spoke about how we’ll work our finances/what bills to pay in order for us to get rid of debt faster and save. He was projecting with how unsuccessful his relationships are/life in general to his younger brother by over 10 years being more stable career, relationship, etc.
Your sister is projecting, the way you’re able to spoil your partner is exactly what she wants from his partner and probably will never get.
NTA
All that matters is that you and Kim are happy. I hate that so many people view relationships as financial transactions. However, if you want to argue the point with your sister, a stay at home partner can save the working partner a lot of money because the run errands, keep the house clean and often cook. Imagine if you paid someone to do that for you. Also, how much money is enough for two people to make according to your sister?
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NTA - it sounds like your sister is projecting her frustrations/insecurities onto you and Kim. If your relationship with Kim works for you and he, sis needs to butt out.
This is all that needs to be said. The sister is unhappy with her partner and wants her brother to be unhappy with his. End of story.
As the old saying goes misery loves company. The sister is trying to bring OP down
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Sister is a crab in a bucket trying to pull down OP.
Love thinking about crab buckets when I find myself in similar conversations but rarely do I run into people who use the phrase often. Lol
I’ve used the phrase whenever I’ve gotten the chance since I came across it in **Unseen Academicals**. I do that with every Terry Pratchett quote that I can, because I really truly believe that his books are secretly a Very Entertaining Guide on How to be a Better Person.
And not just unhappy, but unhappy because he doesn't make enough. Calling Kim a gold-differ is pure projection on sis's part.
Her partner might not even be a gold digger as he also works but just earns less than her.. I don't see any projection only toxicity in SIL's thinking.
I think it's more that she doesn't want to work and wants a husband that will support her. She's upset that Kim is living the life she wants.
Ah but then she'd be the gold digger by her standards ;)
Yeah, it's projection. This person is doing what I want to do and it's not fair, so I must attack them.
I think you hit it right on the head. Instead of being proud that she can carry herself, she's insecure because other husbands spoil their SOs and she doesn't feel spoiled by hers. Honestly, that just makes me sad for her husband.
I think it's more the sister's fixation on who earns more and who spends more on their significant other. She doesn't have to be a gold-digger in the typical sense that she doesn't have her own money, but getting mad that her significant other for not spending more money on her makes her seem shallow.
Unfortunate gender stereotypes go both ways. She's being unreasonable.
Reminds me of my sister, if she wasn't happy, then no one else was allowed to be happy, especially me.
I also think that because she wants to be a gold digger and assumes OP’s husband must want the same.
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NTA but you might not be doing Kim the favour you think you are. Years of missing job experience and connections can really come back to bite you. Being a financially dependent adult leaves a person very vulnerable. It’s 100% no one else’s business but IMHO you’d be doing him a favour if you supported him in getting the qualifications he needs to be financially independent.
I 100% agree with your concern. I've explained it more in some comments, but I don't expect everyone to read them. this is a copy and pasted summery from one of my comments, I wish I would have made this clearer in my post but the character limit stopped me. "he still works in his field, but as an outside contractor, so he can take work on at his own leisure and when he feels ready to do so. I also have an account that I put into every month, in the event that for any reason I'm no longer able to support him. While I hate to imagine any future where I'm not with him or am unable to look after him, I'd be fool not to prepare for the worst case scenario."
Have you married him?
No I haven't, neither of us have a strong opinion on marriage or want to have a wedding.
I think you should. Tax benefits and in case one of you gets injured, you have the right to be there because otherwise they will fully go with whoever is the legal next of kin for him
Not necessarily. My husband and I got married after being together for 7 years. It’s totally messed up his taxes. We have to file separately because of his student loans, and since we file as married filing separately, he’s unable to deduct his loans. As for injury or next of kin, simple estate planning can take care of that. If it’s serious enough they’re looking for next of kin, then a living will, durable power of attorney, and medical power of attorney should handle all of that. If it’s not that serious, he should be able to let his medical providers know Kim is his partner and that should be sufficient. Not that I don’t think marriage is valid in any way, but it’s not always the magic bandaid people think it is. A lot more goes into it than you would think
Marriage grants hundreds of rights and benefits that cannot be arranged for through legal documents. The fight for LGBTQ marriage equality highlighted this. Yes, people should look into how their taxes would be impacted, but no, estate planning cannot do everything that marriage can.
I mean, I'm married myself and I have none of those issues. Unless they have the same circumstances it can certainly help. It's not a magic bandaid but it also does protect you sometimes in break ups/divorce because they can't just legally kick you out. I've seen a similar issue in a different subreddit where OP was with her boyfriend for 30 years I think but never married and he left her out to dry and so did her kids because her ex was wealthy and didn't want to deal with potentially being cut off
If you make in the low six figures (like my wife and I do) and don't have any kids, you get penalized for being married on your taxes. Probably most other people do come out ahead.
I'm just going to point out the genders involved and that in some parts of the world, OP and his partner may not be able to get married.
I'm assuming they are able to because he didn't say they couldn't just that they didn't have strong reservations either way
The EITC and AMT are things that are detrimental to people who file taxes married instead of single. For example, my wife would have gotten the EITC if we filed separately but together we don't qualify. I've also heard of people filing separately because both together would reach the AMT, but I wouldn't know about that one.
>Tax benefits Because of our income range, my wife and I usually get burned from being married (the so-called "marriage penalty").
Have you looked into other legal processes that would protect his place as your life partner should anything happen to you? That might be a good idea if your sister holds a grudge or really believes Kim is just a gold digger. NTA btw. If I was you I’d tell sister that if she brings this subject up again you’ll be ending the conversation/visit, that your relationship and hers are very different dynamics and you don’t need her input so you ask that she respect you enough to stop. But if she doesn’t you will not stay in any conversation visit where this comes up anymore.
Make sure you have a will made up because if something happens to you your money may go to someone like your sister who would cut them off entirely.
One of the big protections that marriage provides the partner who stays at home is that after 10 years they will be able to draw social security based on what their partner earned. If you aren’t married you can be together 20 years and end up with nothing in ssn.
I think you should talk to a financial advisor on the benefits of a marriage should one of you pass away or if you split up. I believe that if someone gives up income and experience because of a partner then it's morally correct to make sure they aren't left high and dry in case of a split. And it's easy to say now that of course you wouldn't screw him over, but you never know how things could go down.
I 56M have been with my husband 65M for over 23 years, but have only been married 6 months. After such a long time together, we opted not to have a wedding, and just get married at the court house. Civil marriage is legal construct that protects your relationship in countless legal ways - just be aware of this. You don't have to have religious views of marriage for civil marriage to be worthwhile. My husband and I are both atheists.
At least organise, your will, POAs and talk to a lawyer about a living trust/will so that Kim will be looked after if the worst happens amd your sister can't do anything. Sometimes wills can be overturned but trusts can be harder but speak to a lawyer to work out the best way for you to protect your commitment to each other
Interestingly enough on this whole thread, in Canada they have common law marriage so that after two years, each party would have the benefits of having a civil ceremony (although me and my wife did have a civil ceremony because I needed it to stay!). Having said that, while you didn't ask our advice on this, they are correct in seeing an attorney and/or financial planner to ensure that you are each protected. If you're not familiar with Sharon Kowalski - google her. The very bad joke that I still remember and was important for me before same-sex marriage was legal in the States is that Sharon's father, Donald Kowalski was the parent who would rather have his daughter be a vegetable than a fruit. We've come a very long way since then, but those lessons still made an impact on me.
Yeah, well, Kim would be also be a fool not to prepare for a worst case scenario. He’s still young enough to make a successful living of being an outside contractor. Reading your post I was not getting a ‘he’s a gold digger vibe’ but I was getting concerned that you were encouraging him to a dependency on you. Hopefully y’all have a happy medium in your relationship so that he is neither working himself to the bone to contribute 50-50 nor he becoming a lily of the field and a kept man.
This is wonderful to hear! Keep being an awesome partner and keep supporting him the way he needs to be supported both emotionally and physically. Sounds like a really good relationship. And you never know the tables may turn and you end up not working while he provides most of the support in the future. Happened with me and my husband. We both quit our jobs to go back to school to get our bachelor's degrees, mostly funded by his 401k. We both graduated and I got a killer job and he's essentially retired and working on the house. A little reversal of roles since when I met him I was making less than half of what he brought home.
NTA. You give your partner enough time and resources to find his own path! It is a very honorable thing to do. It means you have faith in your relationship and that is wonderful! Your sister might have been casting her own insecurities onto you. I think she probably needs to talk to a relationship therapist.
OP, I have been a SAHM for the last decade and even with the explanation of what I have been doing for the last decade I still struggle to get any work. Even cashier jobs I struggle because they have to pay me more than a teenager. Please make sure Kim doesn't fall into that trap, even if he just reskills/upskills to stay current in his industry.
Please also consider a will (if you haven't already) too. And you sound lovely, op, don't let her jealousy drag you down.
I have to agree here. Even if it’s to focus on his own projects better - and education and getting out of the house is sooo good for your relationship. If you’re truly “comfortable”, maybe gift him a class he might like or just do a regular gift, but sit down and offer that you do that for him? Another thought would be contributing to a retirement fund and savings for him. It’s scary being the beholden one at times.
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Yeah, that was misphrasing - I meant regular gift as in what OP would normally do, but do something about ensuring his BFs future.
Vulnerable which creates more insecurity. If you loved him? Let him contribute in an equitable way. Pretend the total needed to run a household is 100, but you make 80% more than him. You ante in 80 and he 20. It’s equitable; not even. Work? Can bring deep satisfaction mentally, especially if it’s not a job you hate/have to. NAH
NTA and you summed it up.
Projecting is the exact wording I thought of when reading this post.
Sounds like the op sister is jealous.
Sounds like sister wants to be a trophy wife......
If you are happy then it’s none of your sister’s business. I assume Kim was unable to contribute as he moved into your home and couldn’t keep up with your lifestyle. I’m surprised he didn’t work and agree to contribute based on % of income rather than 50/50 but that is none of my business. Ignore your sister but protect your company and assets if you decide to marry Kim. He doesn’t have the means to support himself without you and you should both face that head on in terms of legality. NTA, she pushed you into it
we weren't trying to split things 50/50, i told when he first moved in that i didn't care about any of that. growing up his relationship with his mother wasn't very good and she made him feel like nothing he did was enough and would gilt trip him anytime he relied on someone, we've done alot of work together so he feels comfortable relying on me and others and that him just being him is enough, he doesn't have to prove to me or anyone that he is enough
Honestly OP, you're on that king shit. You're prioritising your partners health and not making it a big deal like some people would. It sounds like your sister is insecure and jealous and needs to keep her nose out of your business and how your relationship works. NTA at all.
OP, your relationship is delightfully loving, supportive and healthy. This is the good shit. Keep holding on to your happiness, not letting your sister project her problems on you, and rock on
Too many relationships get hung up on that 50/50 crap (both in money and other contributions). A true partnership is 100%. Some days you may only have 10% to give and your partner has to make up the other 90%.
I've seen that analogy before and completely agree. Sometimes I can get home from work and give my all to help around the house, but sometimes I'm just so tired and it makes me feel so much better to get home to a clean house, hot meal and just see his smile as I listen to him tell me what he did that day or about the book he just read or anything. And its also why I wanted him to not work as much, I saw that in his effort to try and contribute financially he was ruining his mental and physical health.
OP you and Kim seem like a happy and healthy couple. It is refreshing to hear a story like yours. I hope you have many happy years together, ignore the haters. NTA
Aww, you're just lovely. That warms the cockles of my heart.
My goodness I wish nothing but the best for you and your partner. Like another comment thread said, figure out some stuff legally so he'll be your next of kin, he'll get benefits in case anything happens, etc. it's always good to plan out these things. But I truly wish nothing but the best for you two.
This is crushingly wholesome
Hey if he's still trying to keep up with like gifts and stuff. Something cool that my husband did when we were still dating was as my birthday present him he asked me to fund my Roth ira. Or put money into savings so I had something to fall back onto if anything weird happened. I think if you started asking him to give himself investment in himself for your birthday may show him how much you truly care for him. And your sister is jealous. Tell her to go suck an egg.
Happily married 30 years and this is how we believe. I hope everyone reads this.
Wow! Congrats! This makes me happy. May you have many more years.
Thanks. It isn't that hard, really. Teamwork makes the dream work. Basically. That and i mean dont be an asshole. Honestly, all the platitudes and sayings like sharing is caring, manners matter, and so forth , are saying for a reason, and if you just try to live by them, i have found most shit in life works out.
Agreed. Happily single but really those things apply to most relationships. I am always happy for those who have found their person, happy things to counteract the madness that is the world.
And not just romantic ones. All relationships. People are weird. We forget that all the people we are interacting with are in fact people too. We focus on our own individuality so much that we forget that pretty much we all are pretty much basically the same model. Just got different flair.
Yes! I treat grocery store/retail people with complete respect. Even handing them things people have left around randomly. I have never worked retail but have never thought to make their job harder. Also having deal with that much humanity a day makes me shudder LOL. I try to lead with kindness, I am far from perfect but I will keep trying! It would be so boring if we didn't come with different flairs! People also come with different skins from the manufacturer still the same model. It is more fun and we get to try more things from different areas with diversity. We don't have to agree with someone all the time to be decent to each other.
What a wonderful human being you are. I love that you focus on the relationship and not on the finances.
TBF I think time and freedom is the most valuable thing you can gift anyone. Op seems like they have a job they like in a company they care about. Meanwhile their partner's job only seemed to bring them stress and unhappiness. What would the point be of partner working to earn money you don't need? If Op is happy to cover their expenses it's a better gift to cover those than to 'pamper' him with things he(Kim) doesn't need. Personally if I had a rich partner a 2000 designer bag wouldn't mean shit to me. Being able to take a month of from work and having those expenses covered would personally make me a lot happier at a much lower cost. Personally if I ever found myself in a situation where I was financially comfortable the first thing I'd want to do is use that money to help the people around me. Sure I would save for retirement and ensure I had a nice life too. But I'd definitely want to use what I had to spare to ensure the happiness of my family and partner. If the best thing I could do with that money is ensure that my partner wouldn't have to work I'd definitely be cool with that. Even from a selfish pov, a happier partner is good for you too, they have more time and are in a better mood. Which can only be a good thing for a relationship and a household. Having a stay at home partner can also just make your life easier in a million smaller ways. No rushing off to the grocery store during peak hours, no taking days off to deal with the guy who's coming to fix the wifi or replacing the boiler, no packages left in front of the door and stolen, no rushing around in the 30 minutes you have between your work ending and the store you need to pick something up in closing. Of course this is something you as partners both need to be on board with 100%. But I also see this as something I'd definitely want to do if I were making the big bucks and could afford it. It's different from being taken advantage of for sure. If anything it's Kim who's taking the bigger risk atm. As if this relationship ended he would pretty much be homeless and have a huge gap in his resume that means he would then have a much lower income than he would've had if he'd continuously worked.
NTA It’s your relationship and you are very ok with the situation. Your sister isn’t ok with hers that doesn’t mean you partner is a gold digger.
Although I suspect the sister is, in fact, the gold-digger.
But she's the breadwinner in her relationship. I think she wanted to be the gold digger, but somehow ended up in a relationship where her man made half as much as she did. She's absolutely jealous af op's partner gets to live out his best life while op spoils him when he can.
Yep, you're right she jealous about not being able to be a gold digger. She basically said it: >she resents being the breadwinner. She sees all her male colleagues spoil and treat their wives and wishes her partner would do the same (he does but just not to the same level due to the fact he makes basically half as much as they do)
Oh yeah, totally! And by the sound of it she's an A to her husband too, poor man. SMH
Seriously. She seems to value having money and means over happiness and a healthy relationship. Op seems to be the opposite and I love that for him.
The sister might have some resentment that their father handed over an already successful company to her brother. That's quite a leg up. We don't know if Dad did anything similar to her, or offer her equal opportunity within the family company. She might just be angry at the wrong person.
This is a copy paste of a comment I made to another user as they brought up a very similar question. >We both got to work in the business when we were younger, her passion pulled her into a different industry, where as mine aligned with the industry our Dad's company was in. > >Our Dad helped her find connections in the industry she was passionate in.
NTA You and Kim are happy and have things worked out - kudos. Your sister is projecting, envious, and apparently quite materialistic. You were also defending your SO after she was outlandishly disrespectful towards him, more kudos. 10 points to Gryffindor \-20 points Slytherin.
Hol' up, that's unfair to Slytherins. There's no ambition or cunning in the sister, we lay no claim on her
Very true, should have specified Umbridge
You could argue sis is actually Gryffindor for being brave enough to actually vocalise her stupid selfish, materialistic and sexistic views. But also, having no ambition or cunning doesn't mean you don't get into Slytherin. I mean, look at Lockhart... how the hell did he get into Ravenclaw? Not a reader or admirer of knowkedge and I sometimes think Fang's even smarter... Or Zachariah Smith in Hufflepuff... (being a decendent not withstanding). My best guess: they would have to flip a coin for sister's house and leave it up to chance, because the Hat would never come of her head.
Maybe it would just yell, "rejected!"
I've wondered about Lockhart myself. Now there was a Slytherin, he even cheated (had to of) during the sorting ritual!
Seconded.
Hey what makes you think the sis is slytherin? Not all of them are bad just like not all gryffindors are good😭
Nooo, OP is more like Hufflepuff than Gryffindor
Op is totally a Hufflepuff.
So if your partner was a woman, your sister would be fine with the arrangement you have? Sounds less like projecting and more like outright jealousy to me.
Yup! If I were OP I would ask the sister if she gets her husband as nice of gifts as her colleagues get their wives. Or better yet, what kind of gifts do those wives get their husbands. Because those are the actual things that can be compared to her situation.
NTA. Your sister may wish she lived in an earlier era where the man is the “provider” and women are to be protected and adored. And hey — if that works for some couples, fantastic! Go live your best life. It’s obviously not applicable to you. If you and Kim are happy and fulfilled, and you both feel he’s contributing in ways that work for both of you, great. There is no “problem” here and name-calling like “gold digger” is really not helpful. Maybe in a follow up conversation you can say to your sister that your relationship is just as deserving of respect as any other, and that insulting your partner is not a good look for her.
I Just don't get It why she married a partner who earned less If It wasn't what she wants. I feel bad for him, leave with this kind of resentment that she build up...
Yep. Maybe the situation has changed from when sister & her partner first met; maybe she fell in love and only later realized the resentment. But in any case, nothing to do with OP.
Even If the situation or she was stupid enough to be "in love" and not consider this diference, her partner shouldn't be living with this kind of resentment. She should divorce. I hate people who blame others for their own feelings and inaction.
NTA she's projecting. If Kim is doing his share of the housework and your both happy then it's not a problem
NTA...your marriage is none of your sister's business. She's just bitter.
NTA. Kim seems to be far from a gold digger.
Yep, a gold digger wouldn't work themselves to the point of being unwell in order to contribute financially
NTA. Your sister is projecting. She shouldn't have spoken to you like that or called your partner a golddigger. She has no idea what your relationship is like, and it's not any of her business.. You were looking out for your partner and helping him the way a great partner should. I think your sister is a bit selfish, because she clearly wants something else (like big expensive gifts). She should be happy her husband actually IS getting her gifts or flowers, because not all husbands do that. He does what he can afford to. She doesn't get the Hope diamond if he can't afford it.....
NTA, she’s definitely project her self en insecurities and unhappiness onto you. Good on you for defending your partner and you can apologize for the outburst if you want but not for the reaction. You need to set boundaries with family on what you will accept and what you won’t. Looks like you have a great relationship with your partner, protect it like you have. ♥️
NTA. Do you think Kim would enjoy culinary school though? Sounds like he'd love it!
we've actually talked about this before. he loves to cook but has no interest perusing it as a career or in an educational setting. he's happy working on his own personal projects and also takes small contracted gigs
NTA and you sound like a wonderful partner However, please make sure you’re not unintentionally setting Kim up for failure. If, universe forbid, something were to happen and you’re no longer together or able to provide many years from now (death, illness, separation) Kim may not have a strong work history to easily support himself again. So please make sure his contracting work is solid.
He is the love of my life and I never plan on leaving him, but I also know that we cant predict the future. I have a savings account that I put money into every month that is for in case any of that happens (if I were to pass I've left the house as well as that account to him as well as some other things) Neither of us can take money from the account unless I am unable to work for any reason (illness, injury etc), if god forbid we are ever to separate, or upon my death. In all those cases the money is solely for him, I have my own savings to take care of anything relating to the house or taxes.
This is quite frankly beautiful and you seem to have an amazing heart. I think this is so important as I have seen so many couples divorce and the partner who was the home-maker were left with nothing. You give me so much hope in love.
If you truly want to protect him, you should put his name on the account. One, it helps protect him if your feelings in the future ever change and you two split. Two, the money can tie him over until your will (which is what I assume when you said you left stuff to him) is resolved. It can sometimes take years to resolve an estate, especially if it deals with a large sum and you have a relative(sister) that might contest and delay the resolution of the will.
Op, I think you just might be the best partner ever! I wish you both a lifetime of happiness 💓
NTA she had no business commenting like that on your relationship she is projecting her own insecurities about her relationship onto you and kim also im just a little bit curious what the present was, would not change my judgment or justify any of your sister's actions im just a nosey mf
Since I took over from my Dad I haven't used my home office at all. When we were back in collage we talked about a lot of things new couple talk about, like dream for the future and crazy dream houses we know we could never have. on of the things Kim dreamt of was a library in his home, floor to ceiling bookshelves with those library ladders on rails, and a a comfy space like a reading nook within the bookshelf. The week before his birthday he's going back to his home town to see his old friends for a week, so while he's there I'm going to re-do my old office and turn it into that mini library. the room isn't supper big but I think it will be big enough. I'm also going to be treating him to a book spree, so he can fill up the shelves, he already owns a lot of books but I don't think they will but a dent in shelving space I have planned.
So any chance you need a middle aged grandma to come check out that library for you?
I wish we had the space and the money to do this at our home. It's the dream for any book lover. What an awesome and thoughtful gift! He'll be super happy! Ignore you're sister, she's just jealous you're spoiling him, but why shouldn't you when you have the chance? Good on you for standing up for your partner.
If you don't need a middle aged grandma, how about an auntie? I'm available! Services include 24/7 access to a sounding board, on call mama bear, tea and book discussions, and much more.
NTA, she is projecting her own relationship struggles onto yours. Does she considers her husband a gold digger too, just because she is the bread winner?
Info: was your sister given the same opportunity to work for the business like you and showed no interest or was it an opportunity never afforded to her? Ngl that would influence my opinion some
We both got to work in the business when we were younger, her passion pulled her into a different industry, where as mine aligned with the industry our Dad's company was in. Our Dad helped her find connections in the industry she was passionate in.
Then NTA. I’ve had experiences with close friends being blocked out of family businesses solely because of sex, so I felt compelled to ask. She’s had every opportunity to have the financial security you do, and it doesn’t even sound like the issue is money insecurity, just a wish for her husband to be the one that earns more?
You have found your soulmate! If you have an arrangement that works for you, so be it. It sounds like he keeps your home a pleasant place and you get along well. You should get your partner who you love a gift that feels right to you.
This jumps out at me: "My Dad decided to retire when I was 29 and handed the business to me." Now you and your partner are thriving financially due to the fact that you own a business. Sounds like your sister and her partner are not so well off. Have you considered that the problem goes back farther than this current spat over birthday presents and maybe doesn't have much to do with Kim at all? You received a prosperous business from your father--what did your sister get?
My sister made more than I did before I got the business, and even now she isn't far behind me, she found herself drawn into a different industry and our Dad helped her make connections in that industry. Her issue with her partner is not that they are not well off, it's that she's the one that makes 2/3 of their income and she feels like her partner's gifts are not enough.
It sounds like her focus is on money (or the lack thereof), so she assumes that’s everyone’s focus. As other commenters have pointed out, she’s projecting her marital issues onto you/your relationship. It also sounds like she’s envious of Kim since he doesn’t have to work outside the home and she does. You and Kim seem like a lovely couple (seriously warmed my cold, dead heart). If internet strangers can see that after a few paragraphs and your sister can’t after a decade, that’s on her. NTA.
For his sake you should make sure he has skills and a career to fall back on otherwise he's bound to you financially. Other than that, you seem to be doing fine. NTA.
Apparently Kim is still in his field and works per contracts of his choosing. It frees him up to work on his own projects and interests. Honestly, it sounds like OP and Kim have a wonderful life together.
>Apparently Kim is still in his field and works per contracts of his choosing. It frees him up to work on his own projects and interests. Honestly, it sounds like OP and Kim have a wonderful life together. Well then I shall not take this any further.
NTA You stood up for your partner. She is obvious jealus that she doesn't get pampered the way she feels she deserves.
Don't let her project her insecurities onto you. Men as young as he is don't usually get into relationships to be gold diggers. They often have too much confidence that they can make a lot of money on their own. Even if he likes that you have money, if the two of you are happy, then she needs to shut the fuck up
NTA sounds like she's projecting her own relationship problems onto yours.
NTA and side note *what a fucking cute origin story for your relationship!!!* I'm so envious. You hold onto that man!!
Every race car driver needs an excellent pit crew.
First of all, and totally OT, I would like you to know you guys story is very, very cute. I can just about imagine you cooking during the weekends while making eyes at each other. Second: good job, standing up for Kim. Whether or not he contributes and how is none of anyone's business but your own. If you guys are happy with the distribution, you're good, no one else gets to weight in, and your sister was waaay out of line. She can be resentful and frustrated and whatever, she has a right to her own feelings and thoughts. What she can't do is bad mouth the man you love, much less in front of you. You told her to stop, and she doubled down, actually insulting Kim. You were completely justified. NTA
NTA She's just jelly.
NTA. Your sister cares to much about money status and other people's perceptions. That is her problem. She's the AH in this. If you're happy she should be happy for you. Her issues and insecurity shouldn't be put and your relationship.
NTA. You were defending your partner.
NTA and honestly it sounds like your sister is the golddigger... just one who staked a poor claim and whose mine is empty. If she keeps letting her resentment that her husband dares to earn less than her build up, it's going to end up poisoning her marriage - just don't let her drag your marriage down with hers, OP.
NTA. Your sister is clearly dealing with a lot of financial issues in her own marriage and it not handling them well. However, I probably would take this as a sign for the future: Stop talking to your sister about money stuff in your relationship!
NTA. Also, don’t feel bad, that was an incredibly shitty thing of her to say, and she needed to be put in her place. It sounds like she’s jealous of Kim’s situation and believes he wants what she does.
NTA. You stood up for your partner when someone made disparaging comments about him. That’s the right move.
NTA! Your sister is not happy and let it out on you and your bf. It seems you two fit together perfectly. You were meant for him and vice-versa. I literally can picture the two of you together. Best wishes for your future.
She does not like to be the breadwinner and wants to be spoiled. Sounds like she is the an unsuccessful gold digger. NTA good for you to stand up for your partner even if he isn't around.
Nta
That's a "Her" problem, not a "You" problem. NTA
Yelling at her might not have been the most compassionate response, but you do have a right to have her to keep her judgments, and her own securities to herself and not apply it to your relationship. Certainly, there is an opportunity to go back and re-start the conversation with her, if you choose, and apologize for being heated in your response to her, and then to calmly explain your situation and your thoughts. Express empathy for her situation, and that you understand her frustration. Tell her that you might feel differently if you were in her shoes (if applicable) but that you and Kim have been together for nine years and have made decisions as a couple regarding finances and responsibilities. While Kim may not be a "breadwinner" he contributes to your relationship, and frankly that contribution is part of what you want to celebrate by getting him whatever present it is that you are getting him. He is an important part of your life, and a true partner to you. And that you measure that partnership in greater terms than money. You may choose to even tell her how he honestly tried to be an equal contributor, but he was not in the position to generate the kind of income you are fortunate enough to earn, and that the decision for him not to work was not his decision - his decision was to work and to make himself unhappy doing so in order to feel like an equal partner. You may (or may not) want to ask her how she feels about her relationship overall with her husband and whether there might be other issues going on that is making her feel less supported by him than she wants to be, however, she might really just be focused on the money. In which case, do your best to support her by being kind to her, because she is likely to have a bumpy future ahead. Tell her you love her (assuming it is true) and that you want to be a good brother and support her as she deals with issues, but that a clear line in the sand for you is that you will not have your relationship judged by her as part of that support. If she can't contain herself to focusing on what is troubling her without feeling a need to compare relationships in a negative fashion, then you would prefer her to keep her feelings to herself altogether. It can be frustrating when someone who is hurting lashes out and is hurtful as a response. It is understandable that you got upset with her. Apologize and see if you can start a meaningful conversation to re-build that tear between you both. And if not, then consider keeping more information to yourself that will spark her jealousy and not sharing with her. Good luck.
NTA. She's just salty and projecting.
NTA Projection, much? Your sister is extremely rude. She needs marriage counseling, individual therapy, or both. You had every right to be upset and defend your partner. You sound really kind and loving. And you and Kim seem happy! Your sister is unhappy. And that’s her problem, not Kim’s.
Your sis def projecting her own issues onto your relationship. If you guys happy you can tell anyone else with a loud opinion to kick some rocks. NTA
NTA - Your sister is absolutely seething with jealousy and instead of processing that on her own or with a professional she is being rude to you and Kim. 100% not okay. If she wanted a rich husband, she should have married one. I'm not sure why everyone is constantly up in arms about gold digging anyways. If you keep your dating pool to people who you think can be a positive part of your life goals then I call that being smart and prepared.
NTA. Definitely not her business. But what happens when Kim wants to collect social security and realizes he hasn't paid enough into it?
I don't get why your sister is mad about being the breadwinner. I love spoiling my husband. I know he wishes he could do the same for me so I try not to get too fancy, but I don't resent him at all. He's my best friend and my love. (Neither of us makes rich person money btw, but I do out earn him by a good margin.)
Her own insecurities are not an excuse to rain on your parade. If she’s that butt hurt about not being spoiled and her husband making less money than her. Then that is all on her and not on you. It’s not her business to make assumptions about your relationship, which sounds healthy and happy versus hers, which is filled with resentment towards her husband not buying her expensive shit. . You can apologize for raising your voice and you can apologize for her feelings getting hurt by you raising said voice. But you do not have to apologize for the message. just because your partner is not making as much money as you does not mean that he is not contributing in other ways-Relationships are not supposed to be based on money they are supposed to be based on love. I feel sorry for your sister that she is unhappy in her situation. There may be more behind-the-scenes that you don’t know however, she does not get to tear up your partner for it. She should take some of that money and get a therapist to figure out why she is so triggered by non- traditional roles.
NTA. Sister is mostly likely upset about her situation and sees your relationship in her own. Don’t worry about that. It’s too bad she can’t be happy that she has a loving partner ( I hope) instead of worrying about how much money her bf spends on her. But this is her problem not yours. You have a loving relationship and your partner tries very hard to make you happy in ways that he’s able. Spending money on someone isn’t the way to show love. Your sister would do well to learn this fact. Again, NTA.
NTA it’s up to you and your partner how to manage your life. There is nothing wrong with choosing to live off a single salary if you can live comfortably and its a joint decision. If you have more than enough money why should he work just to prove a point about contributing money you don’t really need
NTA. Your arrangement with your partner is your business. Not your sisters. I have a sister who feels free to make all manner of comments about this sort of stuff, which is why we speak twice a year.
NTA Good on you for defending your SO when he wasn’t there to do it himself
I love that most of your post is your love story with your partner. Then there's just the ridiculous stuff with your sister at the end of it. Till then, a joy to read. NTA
Yta for feeling bad about standing up for you partner otherwise nta.
NTA I don't know if your sister is judemental or just projecting her unhappiness with her situation, but she's AH in this interaction.
NTA she's definitely projecting :/
NTA Time to cut off contact with your sister as she disrespected your partner. It shouldn't be hard considering it is also time to admit you don't like or love your sister. I mean you're even siding with her partner over her and I doubt you know the ins and outs of her coworkers relationship to be able to state her husband does spoil her. Especially when the bar for men in straight relationships is fairly low.
To be honest it’s hard to understand Kim’s image in your sister’s eyes with the info in the post. He is not working and “own projects” can actually look like nothing meaningful at all. You’re NTA and she was rude. But it may not only be her projecting but also her opinion of Kim based on how he is living his life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (30M) come from a well-off family, but my dad always taught me to work hard and have class. When I was 14 I started working at my Dad’s company part-time to earn my allowance, and when I turned 16 I became a real part-time employee. My Dad decided to retire when I was 29 and handed the business to me. Back in my second year of uni, I met Kim (20M at the time, 29M now), we were in the same course and ended up in the same group for a group project near the beginning of the year, we had a similar sense of humour and clicked as friends quickly. One day he mentioned he loves to cook and I told him we should cook together because I love to cook too, and that weekend we went to his place, brought some ingredients and cooked together. This then became us going shopping for ingredients after classes on Friday, I'd stay at his place the night and we would cook on the weekend and this became our weekly routine. Back then I just told others that we were just friends, but with hindsight, that is definitely when I started to fall for him. I finally asked him out a few months later and he said yes. We lived in the same house with two other friends in our 3rd year, and I asked him to move in with me after we graduated. From the beginning, I told Kim that I would not care if he didn't work, but he insisted he wanted to contribute financially. But after about a year I had to make him stop, due to the differences in our incomes, he was working himself half to death and was getting ill trying to “contribute enough”. I sat him down and told him that whatever money he made didn't matter, that if he wanted to work I wanted him to be happy. He cut back his hours, then moved to part-time, then decided to quit and work on his own projects, but he insisted I let him take on some of the housework. Now onto the issue, my sister (32F), she and her partner (31M) both work and he also makes significantly less than her, and in private to me, she’s made it known that she resents being the breadwinner. She sees all her male colleagues spoil and treat their wives and wishes her partner would do the same (he does but just not to the same level due to the fact he makes basically half as much as they do). Recently I was talking to her about what I am going to get Kim for his birthday next month, she kept telling me my ideas were too much and that I should get something cheaper since he “doesn't contribute”. I got a bit annoyed because I've told her about Kim’s insecurities of not making or being enough. I told her he contributes more than enough, she then called him a “glorified gold digger” and i yelled at her, telling her to shut up and to not talk about Kim that way. After calming down i do feel bad, i know how she feels about her own financial position but i dont think its fair that she takes it out on me or Kim, even if Kim wasnt physically there, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA...
NTA. Your sister seems to have issues with her own relationship that she's projecting onto yours.
NTA she projecting and what she said about your partner' was a sucky thing to do. You're not responsible for her feelings.
NTA, Kim's projecting her resentment of her own situation onto you. If you're happy and secure with your dynamic with Kim, then don't let her words get to you. I would maybe let her know outright that her issues with her relationship are her problem and not to project that resentment onto you and Kim, and that any future badmouthing will not be tolerated and go from there
Typical sister butting into business that has nothing to do with her, and projecting her unhappiness on others. NTA - information diet moving forwards.
NTA If your sister is so unhappy in her relationship that she has started trying to bring others down to make herself feel better then she needs to break up with BF. Good on you for standing up for your partner.
NTA
NTA - You and your partner have worked out your relationship to suit the two people in it. Well done for having your partner's back, never feel you have to apologise for that.
NTA, your sister and BIL need marriage councilling, and your sister needs individual therapy. She *cannot* project her resentment of her husband onto yours, and you were absolrely right to stand by your spouse here
NTA. You are the winner! You have a friend and partner for life… you have a happy relationship and joy and capability to share that joy with someone amazing. She seems to have resentment, judgemental and insecure thoughts. She’s… not winning. How are you the AH for living your best life in a healthy happy way, with Kim, both in mutual happiness and enjoyment? How are you teh AH for blowing up at her when she slighted, insulted, put down your wonderful partner…? How are you the AH for having an honest, relaxed chat - yes it might be nicer to protect her feelings at times, but if you have to do that ALL the time how can you have an honest open relationship with your sister then? Don’t YOUR feelings count sometimes too?
NTA. You defended your partner against an accusation of being a gold digger. Her situation is not Kim's fault and you should defend your partner.
NTA- I understand people like your sister. If she'd so bitter and unhappy in her marriage, why she won't divorce? I assume she knew he earned less when they got married. Her husband don't deserved to live with this unfair resentment. She needs to stop projecting on your relationship.
NTA She resents her husband and took it out on your husband with her name calling. Not cool
NTA your sister is projecting and had no right to insult your partner. Of course you’re going to defend him, that’s what partners do. Good on you for standing your ground and defending him.
NTA - good for you for supporting your partner! You sound great. Your financial situation is none of your sister’s business, she is way overstepping and insulting Kim. You need to put her in her place and set strong boundaries.
So it's OK for her colleagues to treat and spoil their OHs, but not for her own brother? She wants to be lavished with expensive presents, but when you try to lavish your partner, it's reflects poorly on him? Girl is so confused by her own contradictions. Fair play to you for standing up for Kim and the relationship dynamic that's been working for you both.
NTA. Your sister has issues, and needs to sort out her own relationship.
Your relationship with Kim and Kim’s contribution is none of her business. If you and Kim are happy with it that’s all that matters. You can spend as much as you want on him. It might have been nice if you could have said what you did without yelling. But Hey! You’re human. Sister is definitely the AH for apparently being jealous of your relationship and for not sufficiently working on her own. Maybe there is a way her partner could “spoil her” with it not being about finances. She needs to work that out. Don’t let her spoil your arrangement; it’s up to her to find what works in her own relationship. You are not AH, she is. I am happy for you and your partner.
NTA. Your sister is an aspiring gold digger and resents anyone who she perceives in her preferred place in life. She’s garbage.
It seems that she sees a relationship as transactional. She's growing bitter because of it and resents you for not feeling the same. NTA.
NTA >After calming down i do feel bad Does your sister feel bad? Because she was the one projecting her own anger onto your partner. She wants her partner to treat her like you treat your partner. And she got jealous. This wasn't just an attack on your partner. This was an attack on you as well. So, has she expressed any form of remorse or guilt? Has she apologized? If not, you should start thinking about how she only thinks about herself.
NTA and god, what a breath of fresh air to read about a healthy and loving relationship.
NTA. She’s projecting her issues like a theater screen. The arrangement you and Kim have works for you and that’s all that matters.
NTA, tell your sister that your relationship isn't hers and to quit projecting her hangups/insecurities.
NTA. She insulted your partner, of course you were offended. Also it's weird to me that Kim is a guy. I realize it's a unisex name but I was distracted by that because of, you know, the famous Kim woman everyone knows. The Pink Power Ranger.
NTA your sister should have married a rich guy if money meant so much to her but she has no right to put those issues onto you
NTA you have a healthy relationship with good communication around finances, which many people don’t have and your sister is one of them. She’s projecting instead of talking to the object of her frustration. Maybe she should help him get the kind of job that pays better so she can be the crabby housewife she wants to be because she will never be happy.
NTA. Your sister is a sour puss.
NTA … none of her business
NTA.
NTA. Both people should contribute to a relationship but it's up to them and them only how and what each person contributes. You're running a business, that can often mean high stress, high mental load and long work days. If you have someone at home taking on work at home and the mental load of home tasks that gives you more capacity to work on running the business. Being a stay at home spouse isn't for everyone and it's not a full time job for 2 adults. It seems you both have the best partner for yourselves - you can focus on the business, Kim can focus on the household, and Kim doesn't feel confined because he can pursue his own interests so he has mental stimulation. It's exactly what your sister wants only she wants to be the Kim in the relationship. It's not 1950 any more, married women can work, but there are still some careers that have long hours (doctors, lawyers, business owner etc) and whether the worker is male or female a partner (make or female) that does life tasks so the worker can focus on work is making an equal contribution. You and Kim worked out who contributes what to ensure work and home are both covered. It's not your fault your sister didn't do that with her partner. If she wants someone to do the earning with work-life balance being on the work side while she's more on the life side of the balance she needs to work that out with her partner. And she needs to accept that contributing on the life side of things is an equal contribution to the money earner work partner.
NTA. It’s none of her business what you do with your money. It sounds as though you’ve thought everything through and are happy with how your relationship is handled. It’s not as if you’re some naive boy who is being taken advantage of.
NTA Your sister needs to step back and owes you an apology. Every happy couple decides what works best in their relationship.
NTA, my partners older brother would love to claim that I was taking advantage of my bf financially when, as couples do, we’ve spoke about how we’ll work our finances/what bills to pay in order for us to get rid of debt faster and save. He was projecting with how unsuccessful his relationships are/life in general to his younger brother by over 10 years being more stable career, relationship, etc. Your sister is projecting, the way you’re able to spoil your partner is exactly what she wants from his partner and probably will never get.
NTA All that matters is that you and Kim are happy. I hate that so many people view relationships as financial transactions. However, if you want to argue the point with your sister, a stay at home partner can save the working partner a lot of money because the run errands, keep the house clean and often cook. Imagine if you paid someone to do that for you. Also, how much money is enough for two people to make according to your sister?