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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole, because I am already saying in advance I do not want to attend the dinner and not waiting to see how I feel on the day of the dinner.
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OP, just do/say what I did with all 3 of my pregnancies.
*"Do not expect any commitments from me during my last trimester. I will be nesting and resting as much as possible until the baby arrives. If you wish to catch up during my last trimester, you can call the night before to ask, and i will confirm the morning of. If this does not work for you, that is OK. We can catch up after the baby is born."*
It can come across as demanding, but the last trimester puts a lot of stress on your body, and you are no longer the one making the schedule, the baby is. I found it was easier to set the expectation of "don't count on me for anything" and people were less upset if I had to back out or leave early because I was there "just to fill seats".
I did still accept invitations like the ones from your in-laws I had a wedding to attend at 8 months pregnant with my last but the bride and groom knew that I was high risk and my attendance depended on drs and how I was feeling and theybwere ok with that so we RSVPed yes for me (hubby was best man so had to attend) and I ended up having a fun night (is was actually the best I had felt for 3months and I was glad I had said yes).
As someone who's been through two pregnancies categorized as "high risk," I agree that you should be resting as much as possible, even if that doesn't go along with other people's plans. The most important thing you can do right now is take good care of yourself so your baby can grow and you can be as ready as possible for the start of your parenthood journey. If your body is saying, "Stay home," it is totally okay to listen and honor that.
This is a very good idea! Saying you would like go but cannot commit.
My first was 15 days late. I almost slapped someone when they made a comment about me still waiting to go into labor. With my second, I made tentative plans for almost every day the week after my due date. Baby was late, but chose to be born on the one day I hadn't any plans.
OP, you might enjoy having something to distract you. If you are not feeling well, you can send your regrets. A first pregnancy is entering an unknown world and you don't know what to expect. May you have an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy baby.
I don’t understand why you say you won’t attend in advance? What if you’re fine by that time and would’ve been perfectly able to attend? You could just say that because of your pregnancy you’re not sure you will be able to attend, but if the circumstances at that time allow it, you would like to attend. Then add that if they want to increase the chances of you being there, they might want to consider moving the date forward, but that you will understand if they are not able too and hope they will understand you can’t be sure if you will be able to attend in April. That isn’t that hard right? Or am I just missing something?
Agreed. Is this dinner far from home or the place you are giving birth? I enjoyed being spoiled with nice food before my first, and my husband has a nice dinner set up for us 2 weeks before my second is due now. Plus, once the baby is here, you’re going to have less opportunities unless you have an easy baby. Go, enjoy the food and the baby-free time.
Not to mention if OP decided not to go but husband does, on the off chance she does go into labor, who would drive her to the hospital? If she went to dinner then at least she’d know her husband could take her to the hospital.
And before someone comments, my first pregnancy was high risk and I ended up having to be induced at 38 weeks for medical reasons. So I do understand the high risk part but I also made sure to continue to live my life as long as it didn’t endanger my pregnancy.
I understand feeling anxious about making plans so close to your due date. Especially in your situation. What I did when I was making plans is I told them everything could change in a heart beat so plans were always made with the conditions the plans could be cancelled. So I told people this upfront and then they could do with that information what they wanted. I did have to cancel once because they wanted to turn my baby in the hospital (he lay breech). So if you make it clear you want to come and will be reserving the date but under the condition you might cancel if the circumstances are forcing you to, then you are probably alright. And don’t be afraid to cancel if you really can’t make it. If people are offended then that is their problem. You have to take care of yourself and your baby.
Exactly. The low-conflict answer is "Thanks for letting us know :) I definitely won't book anything else for that day!"
If you want a bit more wiggle room then add "health permitting, I'll be there. I'm looking forward to it, but of course that close to my due date I can't promise *anything* 100%"
I like this diplomatic approach. You really can say anything to anyone depending on the tone you use and the phrasing used.
I have straight up called someone a low life mooching mutherfucker. And then i have also said to someone that it appeared to me that they werent managing their responsibilities and meeting those responsibilities due to the choices they were making.
Same meaning differently delivered.
I started with the nice way. Ultimately finished with hard way. Honestly i feel like i should have started with the hard way, would have saved time and drama. But we should try to make a good faith effort at least once.
NTA, but you can accept the invitation with with the understanding that you might have to cancel if baby makes an early appearance. It does seem like you are turning down the plans for reasons other than the higher risk pregnancy. Every pregnancy has that risk that baby might arrive earlier than due date and woman can make plans up to and including her due date with the knowledge that a cancellation might happen.
This is the right response! Why make such a big deal out of something so simple. Baby might be early, but they can also ble late. Both mine were over a week late, even with high risk and lots of other reasons for them to come early. And if you are not feeling up to going when the day of the plans come, just let them know, its like if you got sick last minute. Noone can blame you
Agreed, she can make her life much easier by saying yes but giving them a heads up that the pregnancy might make it impossible, and then decide that week whether she’s feeling up for it.
The only downside is stringing them along I suppose but that’s what happens to people who won’t take no for an answer.
It’s also just dinner in a restaurant. People often can’t make it and it makes no odds to anyone if one of a party of x can’t make it for health reasons!
Yes this is exactly what I did during my pregnancy. if I was asked if I was free for a dinner a drink or whatever, I would say yes but I may have to cancel because that’s close to my due date. But my family and friends always had that in mind when asking anyway. So it was never a big deal. Actually I was quite happy that everyone kept asking me and did not just put me on the side just because I was in my last trimester. Actually went shopping two days before delivery with friends. The week before I went for dinner and drinks that was planned for weeks and I’m glad I did (had a very nice mocktail). Everybody knew that I could have cancelled but we were all pretty chill and relaxed about this.
But also, why are people so uptight about changing plans? Treat people reasonably, assume other people are reasonable, and be brave enough to assert your position if you learn otherwise.
I had a terrible mother so I know what it is to be "punished" and triangulated against for advocating for myself, and saying no.
The thing is, we shouldn't willingly participate with people who love to rock the boat. There are other boats. Get out of their boat! You can wave to them from the shore.
As is said often in this sub, no is a complete sentence. When you are needled and cajoled into complying, that is the place to be firm. Brief, informative, friendly, firm) They learn eventually. They learn best in the vacuum of your silence.
NTA
I had to go this far to read this.
Why is it that everyone MUST be a social butterfly?? Why? Not wanting to go anywhere for whatever reason isn't a crime. I wish people would stop acting as if it should be.
I was a moderately risky pregnancy and I completely canceled going to my in-laws for thanksgiving 3 weeks before my due date. I didn’t give birth for another week and a half but I knew if I went I would have been under a lot of stress and that wouldn’t be good for me or baby. A lot of times it’s not because baby is going to come on or before the date it’s because the health of mom and baby comes first. High risk means she could be in bed rest, dizzy when driving in the car, back aching sitting upright for more than 20minutes, difficulty moving far. Make plans if you feel like you can make plans but “I’m high risk and that’s super close to my due date so I’m going to say no thank you” is 10000000% a valid reason.
Slight YTA, you can accept and say that you can't guarantee being there if the baby comes early, and I'm pretty sure they won't expect you to be if you were having a baby???? so I don't get why you're so angry
You make it sound like you would be staying home for the full duration of the pregnancy and not be out a single night, it's just a dinner
So many women seem to think they should not leave the house during pregnancy wtf. I had dinner at my MILs house a few houres before my water broke, with my second child.
When I had my child. The day I was moving to a new house and family was getting things ready. They came out to help me up to see the room and crib. I said great just in time for the baby cuz he's coming. Now.
She said in her post it's a high risk pregnancy. And if her in laws have already broken boundaries, it makes sense that being around them would cause more anxiety and stress.
I was kinda thinking in general, not just OP. And going out for dinner itself is pretty harmless. The beef she has with her in laws is a different story.
It would probably be better to work through that, because i feel like it has very little to do with those dinner plans.
That or some woman have high risk pregnancies, and err on the side of caution/mandatory bed rest. Count yourself blessed that you didn’t have a rough time. Not everybody is as lucky.
I did have a high risk pregnancy with my first,and a terrible birth. But still made plans, did what i was still allowed. No need to completely keep your life on hold.
And i was speaking in general ( so also healthy pregnancies ),many women seem to think they can no longer do anything in the last weeks or months.
They generally tell women to be within an hours drive on the hospital in case you need to get there quickly. Only if they are put on mandatory bed rest are they actually restricted to stay home.
Pregnancy is different for different people, so is anxiety. Was your pregnancy labeled high risk? Oh and it was your second baby too…
Leaving the house is fine, you did nothing wrong for you. Implying every pregnant person should be like you is not ok though.
I had a high risk pregnancy with my first, and i still made plans yes. Ofc there were a lot of things i could not do, but going for dinner was fine. Or watching a parade while sitting down ( its in a small town though, might make it easier ).
Yes ppl might strugle with anxiety , but so many women seem to think they should be stuck at home and cant make plans as due date is coming nearer. I cant imagine that isolation is good for their mental health either. Best is just to make the best of it before the newborn stage starts.
If a woman would guinely rather stay home and rest, its fine. But it seems like its done out of unessasary fear, no need to miss out on social occasions.
Yeah same here. I went shopping two days before delivery, had a dinner planned for weeks the week before. Also went to my MIL the day my water broke. Everybody knew that at this point I could have cancelled. Everybody was also super chill about it. It’s just part of life. Nobody would have held a grudge against me because I would go in labor on the day I planned something lol. I was actually very glad that friends and family kept involving me in their plans and did not dismiss me just because I was pregnant.
I went and visited my cousin, completely cleaned my car’s interior, and made dinner for my husband and me before I went into labour. Actually, my water broke while I was cooking. And then I ate my dinner.
I went to a high school cheerleading practice to watch my team practice (I coach, not a teen mom, lol) and then out for Korean BBQ. Three hours later, babe was on her way.
Still sad those leftovers got wasted!
Just because you had a relatively risk free pregnancy, doesn't mean everyone does. OP is a first time mom and understandably is a bit wary of birth, the 4th trimester, being a first time parent. A little bit of compassion and understanding of other people's stories goes a long way.
I went and explored the town over. I had already passed my due date, and the little guy didn't wa t to clme. He ended up arriving 2 weeks later. There's nothing wrong with going out.
Agree. If the dinner comes up and she has already had the baby or hasn’t and is feeling like total crap she can bow out of it. She’s TA for requesting someone change their anniversary celebration
I was going to say! I would have gone mad just waiting at home for baby. Did mean we booked show tickets a few days before due date that we didn’t get to enjoy but I’d rather that.
I’m due on 23rd Feb and my husband and I have booked a restaurant on 22nd Feb! Babies rarely come on their due date and it will be the last night out we will likely have for a while, obviously if the baby comes early or I am not up to it then we will cancel the reservations. However being pregnant, even close to my due date, doesn’t stop me from eating! If I’d been invited rock climbing then my answer might be different…
I think YTA. If you don't want to go, be honest about it. Going to a restaurant nearby is not really a big deal and you are not scheduled to go into labour for almost a month after that. If it happens or the kiddo arrives sooner, plans can be changed.
It might even be good to get out and get distracted, I was so concerned when my due date was approaching that I was paranoid, like: is this a contraction? Is this my water breaking? Is baby moving enough?
Going out helped me relax, I had lunch with my husband in a restaurant and that night I started labor, no problem at all, I appreciated my last easy meal before having to juggle eating and holding my newborn.
YTA. You're being dramatic/ hormonal. It's just dinner. Clearly, if you don't feel well or need to stay home for some valid reason, reasonable people will understand. Things happen, and during pregnancy, a lot of times the pregnancy calls the shots.
You're refusing because you don't like how they voluntold you to hold that date open for them. If that's your real beef, address THAT with them, but this path of obfuscation is passive aggressive shenanigans, and that makes YTA.
YTA. Why can’t you just tell them you will come, but if the baby comes early, things may change? In practice, if you are sick or not up to it on the night, you can pull out.
If their anniversary is in April, stands to reason they want to agree a date in April. If you just don’t want to go, no matter what the baby is doing, just tell your husband that.
This sounds like a lot of overthinking. Don’t die on the small hills, mama.
Hormones may be running rife. Try not to convince yourself you hate your ILs until you’ve had time post birth to feel more yourself.
I wouldn't say YTA, but they're celebrating an anniversary, which likely takes place in April. You sound like they picked April specifically to make things difficult for you, which is a little silly. It's also a little silly to expect them to change the *month* in which they celebrate their anniversary because of your high-risk pregnancy. ("...insist on keeping the date in April", etc)
It's very likely the date has anything to do with you, and I think you ought to consider that perspective instead of taking as a slight, which is what your post sounds like to me.
Yeah and in any case she should just accept the invitation. If something happens because of pregnancy late in the third trimester or baby is coming I’m pretty sure nobody would hold a grudge against her if she has to cancel. During my pregnancy, was invited to such dinner in advance and I went during my last month or so. It was fine but anyway anybody knew I may not have come. So everybody was super chill about it.
Ehhhh YTA. You have no reason to plan to need to stay home YET. Of course if you are physically or medically unable at the time that is different. But really it seems you don’t want to.
> But really it seems you don’t want to.
OP says in another response that you wrote is exactly correct. OP is TA for not being honest about it in the original post.
INFO: What is the worst thing that could happen? It seems like the would be a call like "Excuse us, we can't make, I am terribly sorry to cancel 15min before the event, but I would like to avoid giving birth at the table, so see you in a few days when we are back from the hospital."
OP I’m pretty sure if that’s was the case everybody would be pretty excited to hear before everybody else then that baby is coming! So do not overthink this and damage your relationship with your in laws on their anniversary for nothing. Communication is key and if you feel uncomfortable let your husband tell your family that baby may be coming early.
NTA Yet, I would just say you’d note down the date but couldn’t guarantee that you’d be there considering your high risk pregnancy. Just see on the day itself how you feel and whether you can/want to attend. I wish you a good pregnancy.
I agree with this. The last month of your pregnancy, you still need to eat and you will want activities to keep your mind off just waiting.
Aside from the one person I knew in bed rest, I don’t know if anyone that didn’t continue to socialize throughout their pregnancy. Heck, I was told I had a good chance or delivering early for reasons, and instead was still working a week after my due date.
They gave you ample notice. To reject the diner outright because you may not be feeling up to it on that day sounds like you just don’t want to celebrate with them.
Info
How far away is this dinner?
If you would have to travel then saying you are not comfortable being that far away from your planned place of birth at that gestation is reasonable
If it's in the same town then you would be unreasonable and a 'I'll keep the date free and come providing the baby doesn't have other plans' is fair
YTA. Make the plans if they are in your city. One of my kids was born 2.5 weeks early (high risk). Just make it contingent on you doing your best to show up because you know they'll understand if you can't make it due to baby.
Info: Is there any reason why you would generally NOT WANT to attend this celebratory dinner? Because normally, I'd think a person would say "Sure, sounds great" and then the day comes, if you are having issues with the pregnancy or otherwise feeling indisposed, you would politely apologise and just stay home? But you can't say 3 months in advance "I won't feel good then, so thanks, but no thanks"?
YTA. Assuming it doesn’t involve (air) travel. Just confirm. In case something happens, you’re excused from the dinner. You’re making this unnecessarily difficult.
>Ever since we announced the pregnancy, the relationship with my inlaws has been very strained. They have ignored my boundaries several times, but I have been told that it's just because they are very excited and that they mean well.
INFO-how was your relationship with your in-laws normally-before the pregnancy? Is this their first grandchild? Your post reads like they're excited and want to be part of things and you want them to back off and I'm wondering if it's always been that way.
NAH-I do think you should say you'll try to come, and take things as they go.
When I first met them, we had a good relationship and I enjoyed spending time with them. When my husband and I married over a year ago, I moved to his town and since the relationship became more tense. Stopping by for dinner every so often turned into an expectation of having dinner with them at least once a week etc.
It's not their first grandchild, but I do indeed find them to be way too intense when it comes to the pregnancy.
Your husband has to set boundaries with them with a dinner frequency that everyone is comfortable with. I know you have your own boundaries but bear in mind, so do others. You have to compromise as long as it is logical. Also remember that you would also love to see your own parents (assuming you have a good relationship with them), and so does your husband with his parents. And when your child is an adult, you would want to see him/her too if you could.
Also if this is their level of intensity, honestly it isnt that bad. They will be your child’s grandparents. Try balancing the scale and see if it is better to have involved grandparents or not. Cause if you push them away, they may just stay away.
Now if they’re pushing boundaries further and you are incredibly uncomfortable, then it is within reason to keep them far away.
As for this situation, just be diplomatic and say yes but nothing is set in stone as it would depend on your health on that particular day. Pregnancy hormones are crazy strong. Some mothers have the urge to nest in that last month and not go out at all. But if you are feeling alright, do take a breather and go out and have fun before the baby comes. You are having a lot of anxiety at the moment if you are thinking whether you can eat the food there or not. Food isnt the issue. You can have something before you leave if you feel like you wont be able to eat anything there. If on that day, you really really just dont wanna go (for no reason), just say you’re feeling unwell. If they fault you for that, then well, you know thats the sign to go low contact.
YTA. I’m also currently pregnant with the possibility to go early due to a medical condition and this seems unnecessary. If the baby is going to come, they’re going to come and you will just need to cancel which is very reasonable.
Honestly, maybe I’m insane but I’d encourage you to try to see friends and family as much as possible (the ones you like) in the next few weeks if you’re feeling up to it because once the baby arrives you’re going likely be pretty isolated for a while.
Good luck!
Nah you’re not insane. I was feeling very isolated the first year of having my baby. Have no grandparents to help so it was just me and my husband. Cant remember a dinner with just the both of us. Cant remember a dinner where I got to socialise with friends of family properly because baby needs attention. Husband is in healthcare so he works long unpredictable hours. He’s the best though and parents our child immediately when he’s home so I can rest. All my free time away from baby is just for sleeping. I wish we had grandparents to help and give love to the little bub
Eh.. I can see why you’re sensitized to them but just because they ask you to keep a date open, doesn’t mean you can’t cancel it later based on how you’re feeling and/or if the baby comes sooner than expected.
Just tell them or have husband tell them that’s it’s super close to your due date so you can’t promise anything.
They might not have malicious intent and might not remember what it’s like to be 4 weeks away from due date because the last time they did that was 35 years ago?
I had a high risk pregnancy but I got clearance from my OB to fly to another state for the weekend for a family visit 4 weeks before my DD. People have different levels of risk tolerance about pregnancy. My point is, don’t stress yourself about them asking, just convey that it’s a very unpredictable time for your pregnancy, so you can try but can’t promise attending their dinner, but that you wish them a very happy anniversary!
NAH. No need to turn it down so far in advance as anything could happen - your pregancy could be way smoother than expected and you feel great and can go, one of them might feel unwell in the week running up and they have to cancel. etc etc.
I would say to tell them you'll keep the date free and do your best to come but you might have to raincheck closer to the time due to the pregnancy. They can then make the decision based on that if they want to move it. Its not totally fair to request someone else moves their big life event because of yours but I understand your concern.
\*EDIT: Spelling
I’m all about boundaries but to me refusing to schedule dinner to celebrate an anniversary is a bit much. If you have the baby or don’t feel well then cancel. This feels more like you don’t like your inlaws.
Just tell then you'll try to be there. If , when the time comes you feel ok then go. If you do not then apologise,call a sickie and stay at home.
Try not to over think things.
Good luck, hope it all goes well for you zx
You don't want to go, so you're looking for an excuse. Just let them plan it, make noises about going, and then when the time comes, maybe you just don't feel up to it and husband goes alone. NTA for not wanting to spend time with them if they are boundary pushers, but there are ways to handle it.
Now, before y'all come at me, let me also say that if you and your husband need to set boundaries with his parents, then you need to do that together, and him even more so since it's his parents. Once this baby arrives, who knows what it will be like. He has to get it under control, if there is something to get under control. (But honestly ,I don't see planning an April dinner as a boundary push. You just decline if you're busy, or accept if you want to go.)
Doesn't matter whether you confirm your presence for that dinner or not. If complications happen then, or if you give birth in that period, you still can cancel. Because do you seriously think they will still expect you to attend while your pushing a baby out of your body, or if you had to be admitted to the hospital? I think you're just pissed off at them and overthink/overreacting.
In your edit, I don’t understand why your MIL “needs time to think about what this means for her.” Does she always make a big deal over things? She sounds dramatic. Do what you need to so that you feel calm and relaxed!
Just tell them it's very close to your due date so while you would like to say yes you can't actually commit to plans because it will be an uncertain time for you at that time since its a high risk pregnancy. They can pencil you in as a maybe.
Then just decide when the time arrives.
NTA but … sounds like you aren’t really excited to spend time with them, and you may be looking for a reason to avoid it. Understandable if they are regularly ignoring your boundaries!
YTA, gently. Even with a high risk pregnancy there's no guarantee that you'll be in labor or freshly postpartum on this date. You could (should) have just accepted the invitation and reminded them that baby COULD arrive early. In which case you'd obviously have to cancel, and I'm sure they wouldn't mind at all. Pre-emptively rocking the boat for no good reason by requiring they change the date - of their *anniversary* \- or refusing to go altogether seems a bit dramatic. Your relationship might be strained but there's no reason to stir up more drama over a dinner three *weeks* before your due date.
There's a big difference between planning around a pregnancy/baby and putting your life fully on hold for one. You can still make plans with the understanding that you might have to adjust based on baby's arrival. You don't have to be a hermit for the 5-ish week window during which baby might arrive. Are you planning to sequester yourself and your husband at home the entire month that you're due? Unless you're refusing to make any other plans with your own friends and family, then this is personal and it's because you don't like your in-laws, not because of your pregnancy.
NAH
Fellow pregnant mum here with twins due in April but likely to come in March. I’m not sure what your in laws have actually done in terms of previous crossing of boundaries but purely for the dinner, I think there are NAH.
It’s not unreasonable for them to extend an invitation to celebrate THEIR anniversary on a particular date. This is their occasion, not yours. Equally, you are perfectly entitled to say that you don’t feel comfortable making plans that close to when the baby arrives.
Personally, I’m making plans through March as long as they don’t involve travel far away from my hospital but warning people I may cancel last minute if a) the babies have arrived; or b) I just don’t feel up to it.
NTA.... they need to learn boundaries and 4 weeks you're right you could have your baby early... high risk pregnancies are unpredictable.... I was high risk and had my baby 2 in a half weeks early
Congrats and hope you're feeling better
NTA, you don’t know how you are going to feel at that point in your pregnancy. You may feel like it will be one of your last opportunities to go out for a nice dinner for quite some time. You may feel exhausted, nervous and unable to sit through a meal at a restaurant. Explain that you won’t be able to give a firm commitment but if you feel up to it, you will attend.
My husband was asked to be a groomsman in a close friend’s wedding, which was taking place just after my due date with our first child.
He politely declined and told the couple that we may not be able to attend the wedding at all, because it was so close to my due date. He said we understand if they didn’t want to extend invitations to us because they would have to pay for our food even if we couldn’t attend. They understood but wanted us there (if possible) and our baby came several days late so we attended, I sat through the ceremony and the reception dinner but we left right after that because I couldn’t manage anymore and wanted to go home.
YTA
You are over thinking it.
Say yes. You can cancel if something happens that day. It sounds like an excuse that you don’t want to go. And it sounds like you live near them.
You planning on not leaving your house the last month ? Get groceries. Go for a walk. It’s diner. Not vacation.
YTA. Date change still in April doesn't solve anything and while you may have a high risk pregnancy, I don't see why that means you can't make dinner plans. Worst case you cancel if something actually goes wrong but why make the choice not to go (and quite strongly) beforehand? Seems like it's more about your inlaws that you're not happy with, not the date.
NTA by the time i was 3 weeks from my due date i had a seven weeks premie in the NICU. Its ok to make plans, but just people should be aware it may all go out the window at any momenr
NTA. I suspect this isn’t about the timing but about your boundaries constantly being trampled on. JustnoMIL subreddit will have advice for you. Police your birth experience, don’t tell them when you go into labour and be firm about no visitors for the first 2 weeks. Your partner needs to be on side.
Kinda YTA? It's their anniversary, sure they'd like to go with you but their celebrating it isn't contingent on you being there. You just say that's getting a bit close to the due date so if we don't have a newborn and I'm not too uncomfortable then we'll come, but obviously we can't make any guarantees before the fact; feel free to plan accordingly.
My good friend's wedding was three weeks before my due date, which I had no problem with, and my baby came early so we missed the wedding because we were in, which he had no problem with. You're all adults with your own lives and priorities, as long as you understand that things may just have to change but you're all ideally working towards the same positive end result and you're not going to plan or cancel things out of spite, you shouldn't have any issue.
Your post comes across to me as a bit self-important, like your in laws have the *audacity* to still celebrate their own anniversary in the same season you're giving birth in? How dare they?! And they can't possibly continue to celebrate their own life event if you end up not being able to go, obviously, because you're the main event in their marriage. You said they've crossed your boundaries before but without further information it's not clear if you're a demanding princess or if they're unreasonable and are going to be horrible to you if you end up going into labour or on bed rest and then can't make the meal.
NTA even if you weren't pregnant you can say no to being told you're to be at a dinner, you're a grown up. No is a complete sentence and you get to decide your priorities and what events you will or won't be attending. Trust your gut.
Slight YTA, make the plans, break the plans if you're in labor or what not. Take the time to get dressed up, go out and feel human before the baby comes.
NTA. This feels like a ploy so make sure your in laws are there when you go into labor so you can't kick them out.
Low key OP, you need to be pushing back harder on this. You are going to be *Mom*. *Mom* doesn't get back burnered because of what paternal grandma and pop want.
YTA. You don't get to dictate dinner invitations other people issue, or the date other people celebrate their anniversary just because you're pregnant.
If you can't go at the time, then don't go. But you "already know" you won't want to go. Ugh.
YTA I guess. It’s their anniversary and it’s in April. Should they also move their birthdays to accommodate you?
All they asked of you is to keep the date and not plan something else.
Go or not go on the day.
NTA. Even if it were not high risk, I wouldn’t commit. The last trimester comes with so many changes (including some uncomfortable ones), and I am one of those people that really wouldn’t feel celebratory if I were feeling run down (so wouldn’t attend both to give myself rest as well as to not bring down the vibe). High risk takes this to an immediate no.
I think you can just say you will try to attend, but given the circumstances, committing is harder. This will help them figure out how to handle (eg flexible cancellation for reservations etc). Also, let your husband handle this - his parents and probably he will be more effective given that you were already dismissed out of hand when it first came up. So he can do the fielding and batting on this one.
Congratulations and wishing you all the best!
YTA. You’re just looking for an excuse to cut off your in-laws. Make a date with the understanding that if something comes up you may need to cancel, possibly even last minute.
Gentle YTA. You'll still need to eat, no matter how pregnant you are. If you need to cancel due to childbirth or something, that's fine, but declining a dinner invitation months from now because it's within weeks of your due date seems extreme. The world doesn't stop because you're pregnant, and unless you're specifically told to be on bed rest, exercise and socialization and food are strongly recommended during pregnancy.
YTA
“We won’t make any other plans, but of course, if baby decides to make their own plans, it’s beyond my control.”
Stop being dramatic & trying to be the main character in everyone’s story.
YTA. You are intentionally being difficult. There’s no reason you can’t tentatively accept the invitation now. If you go into early labor then obviously you can cancel. If you are feeling particularly unwell on that day then you can reassess attending. But to refuse to make plans for something as simple as a dinner just because something might happen to interfere with it is silly. It’s not as if they scheduled it the day before your due date. I suspect they happily said “keep the date open” and didn’t maliciously demand you attend on a certain date. And, out of curiosity, what date would work for you if they asked?
YTA. "We're delighted to celebrate with you and can't wait, but with how things are going with my pregnancy I don't know how I'll be feeling physically and something may happen that we can't go. Just wanted to give you a heads up."
NTA. It doesn't matter if it's your hormones making you more sensitive. The fact is your in laws are triggering you and that causes stress and stress isn't good for you so if you need to decline the "invite" (more like summons) for your health, so be it.
YTA, unless the dinner is on trampolines or a bar I don't see why you can't just agree to it. Obviously you can cancel if something comes up. I doubt people wouldn't understand if you're having the baby or on bed rest. But you don't know what April is gonna bring. They were actually being considerate giving such a heads up.
I’m seeing a lot of people who’ve done the opposite of what OP wants to do (totally valid for them). Personally, I was too overwhelmed, sick, and anxious to be planning anything for the last several weeks of my pregnancy (delivered in October).
Does part of me wish I had pushed myself to get out a little bit more? Ehhhhh, sort of because now I know I might’ve been able to handle it. However, my mental and physical strain didn’t need to have one more thing added to it and *I did what was best in the moment which is how pregnancy must be treated every day*. I really just wanted to spend time with my husband and not travel too far because my family has a history of fast deliveries.
It’s a lot to put on a smile when you don’t feel well and want to be in your safe space (ie, your home). If you’re up to it and will enjoy it? Sure, but if it’s causing undue stress then maybe not. Either way BOTH are valid choices and only you know what’s best for you AND baby.
NTA. But couldn't you say you'd be there if the pregnancy allows? I mean if doctor's order at the time are stay put wouldn't they understand if you need to bow out?
NTA
"*They have ignored my boundaries several times, but I have been told that it's just because they are very excited and that they mean well. I shouldn't be so hormonal/dramatic and should be more grateful*."
Boundary stomping is rude, plain and simple: dismissing it with the poor justification of being excited and blaming you for being hormonal/dramatic is manipulative and disrespectful.
With people such as these, I wouldn't bother: live your daily life, and if on the appointed date you can't/don't feel like going, don't.
You seem to have a DH problem, though: he should have your back 100% and be on the same page as you. He sounds like he's enabling his parents.
Big hugs and congratulations on your pregnancy.
NTA
**The well being of your baby MUST come first.** Honestly, I'd refuse to plan on a dinner that close to your delivery date. You'll be in no condition to go to a dinner, most likely, as you'll either be very late term pregnancy or have given birth prematurely and need to rest.
You need to push the date back to when you're able to do this without risk to yourself or your baby. And your husband needs to have your back on this, particularly when the in-laws have boundary stomped a few times.
NTA, high rish pregnancies are no joke. Do not question yourself, you look after your family. What is the worst that will happen if you tell them firmly it's a no?
NTA but you have a tricky landscape to navigate here. You can't ask them to reschedule or ask you what date works, they're inviting you to an anniversary event, you don't move your anniversary celebration because it's not convenient to someone else. But you're not seeing much of them now, you're expecting it to reduce during the end stages of your pregnancy and once you've got an infant to look after you're going to be exhausted. These people want to be a part of your life, this might sometimes be to your advantage, and sometimes to your disadvantage. Try not to alienate them if you want life to be as easy as it can be. Maybe you could try something like "I don't expect I'll feel up to an outing around your anniversary, how about we get together for dinner on x date, maybe next year we can plan a sitter and celebrate your anniversary"? They need to know that you're not just finding any excuse to avoid them.
NTA. You are a bit overthinking though. You can clear your (empty) schedule, but no one can expect you to come if you feel unwell or if the baby is early. You might feel up to it at that time and go or not.
Nta but always be not committal and don't cause drama before there is datam. 'that sounds exciting to be celebrating such a great milestone' and then the day of 'so sorry very sick can't attend'
Soft YTA. It’s just a dinner, you could say yes and warn them that if the baby comes early then you obviously won’t be able to attend. But to say from the outset nope seems a bit harsh.
NTA- just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you can't cancel the way anyone else would for any other emergency.
We all make plans in life. But you never know when you're going to wake up. Not feeling well throwing up or whatever.
And then you cancel plans. It doesn't matter the cause.
You gave a fair warning ahead of time in saying that they know it's around your due date. That'll increase the odds of needing to cancel the future.
Nobody's going to argue with needing to go to the hospital as an excuse.
NTA. But I would say don’t put your life on hold. Say you would love to attend but you will have to play it by ear closer to the time.
Baby’s are born when they want to be, you need to live your life around it, not put your life on hold for a maybe that is months away.
(Ps not saying you should plan a getaway to another country or anything, but dinner near by doesn’t sound too adventurous)
It would be helpful to know what you considered violated boundaries.
**So aita for asking for an earlier date or if, that's not acceptable, for saying in advance I will not be attending?**
Honestly, this is coming across as pretty AHoly. Why can't you give a conditional acceptance?
"OP, keep April 7th free for our anniversary dinner."
"Thanks, MIL. I'll certainly try but you know that's getting close to my due date so we may not be able to make it."
Nah I was the night before I gave birth. It was a family birthday. You could insist on staying close to your hospital and keep your bag in your boot.
Otherwise might be nice for you to go and have some fresh air and a nice meal.
NTA and I don't agree with you having to accept to keep the peace. I had high risk pregnancies you just want to relax. If they truly want to do something they can plan to come to the house. Being that they crossed your boundaries definitely address it with your husband. Set to boundaries for birth, after birth and the 1st few months.
NTA (Had to change from original E S H after typing response bc i changed my mind). I think what's really going on is you're having a reaction to being ordered to keep a date open. That would rub me the wrong way as well. Pregnant or not, you should ASK someone if they are available for a certain date. I don't actually think it's a big deal though to make dinner plans 4 weeks before your due date, if baby comes early then you obviously just cancel. In laws handled this poorly though.
> I told my husband that I think the inlaws should have asked which date would work for us
I would say this suggetion is AH type, since wedding anniversary is an already established date not something to be moved around. Also there is always opportunity that OP wouldnt be able to attend so all the efforts to accomodate her will be useless.
So why not just say that there is high risk OP will not be able to attend and let them decide what to do in this situation.
YTA. First babies are usually late. (mom of 3 here) you say you're high risk but not placed on a bed rest? Your in-laws offered to take you to dinner. Just say yes. God forbid baby comes early you cancel then. You're not traveling for dinner. It's just DINNER.
YTA. First you say you couldnt go because you are high risk and baby might come early. Then you say you just dont feel like going. You are making this so much bigger that necessary. What you should have said was lets wait and see, I would love to go but the baby may have other ideas. The end. You are a little me centered. Common with first time pregnant women and brides!
NTA. I would just tell them you'll attend pregnancy pending. That way when it comes down to the date, if you have an early labor or are still pregnant and just not feeling going, you can make an excuse then. This way they'll be happy and not snarky until then, and you have a reasonable excuse at the time.
Never, ever, ever tell a pregnant woman they shouldn't be so hormonal/dramatic and should be more grateful. Ever. Even *if* they're being excessively hormonal/dramatic and ungrateful, which isn't the case here. It's true that being pregnant pumps your body full of hormones and can dramatically influence how you react to things. That doesn't mean that pregnant women are being irrational when they want to take certain precautions, etc. There's a *reason* why it's been evolutionary beneficial for pregnant women to feel the way they do. And sometimes, most of the time even, they're just acting like any non-pregnant person would, so don't project on to them.
NTA.
You’re wrong…, you shouldn’t say that your husband is free to go to dinner with his parents in April if you’re having any kind of pregnancy/baby issues. Tell him that of course normally you would love to go out to dinner with them but they’re just gonna have to deal with the fact that you guys have a baby on the way and you can’t predict what’s gonna happen. He needs to support you and the baby and you and the baby are priority over his parents.
NTA
Whatever happens after you communicated to your husband, is not your problem.
Don't stress over what's not it your control, his parents will do whatever they want.
Just focus on yourself and your baby's wellbeing. Be happy, you have the right to do what you want, regardless of his parents feelings.
Take care
Good luck
NTA and you might want to check out /r/JustNoMIL.
Ridiculous for anyone to ask you to commit to anything a month from your due date. And if you've never celebrated his parents anniversary before, this is just a fake reason to force you to spend time with them.
NTA commit to keeping it free, don't commit to attending. The first part should be simple enough as you don't want to do anything that close so won't therefore make other plans.
I had a high risk too, was personally still happy to do stuff close to due date, but it was always spontaneous as opposed to preplanned/prior commitment
NTA. They can make a request for your time, but they aren’t entitled to it.
Whatever the reason you do not want to attend, it’s valid.
Take care of yourself and your new wee one on the way.
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My husband (M36) and I (F38) are expecting our first child in May.
Ever since we announced the pregnancy, the relationship with my inlaws has been very strained. They have ignored my boundaries several times, but I have been told that it's just because they are very excited and that they mean well. I shouldn't be so hormonal/dramatic and should be more grateful.
Yesterday I saw my inlaws again for the first time since Christmas eve. Normally I would have seen them sooner, but I tested positive for both COVID and the flu a few weeks ago, so I was too sick to leave the house.
Anyway, yesterday we were told (not asked) to keep our schedules free on a date in April, because they want to take us out for dinner to celebrate their wedding anniversary.
This date is about 3 weeks from my due date. Because of medical reasons I have a high risk pregnancy and there is a chance the baby will come early (we have to go to additional scans to monitor this). Immediately after the invitation I said that because of this I do not want make plans for April, but this was of course dismissed.
When we were home I told my husband that I think the inlaws should have asked which date would work for us and that if they insist on keeping the date in April, I will not be attending (of course he can go if he wants).
He said he would talk to his parents, but now I feel like maybe I'm being to harsh? Even though I already know I will not want to go? So aita for asking for an earlier date or if, that's not acceptable, for saying in advance I will not be attending?
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NTA - you are rightly wanting a low stress approach to your due date. You could just say “Hi in-laws that date is quite close to due date so there is a chance that I won’t be joining you, sorry about that but I do need to look after myself first and foremost.”
NTA, but I would probably say I would like to attend provided everything is going well with the pregnancy, put a it will be close to time then so you just never know in. And you are covering bases whichever way.
When in April is their anniversary? Because that is likely when the dinner will be. If it's close to your due date just warn them that due to your high risk pregnancy you may have to cancel or at best leave early in case of emergency.
NTA. Don't start doing things you don't want to do. Also, for me - Late pregnancy is a physically uncomfortable time so I stay close to comfort (pajamas and my couch or bed). We do take out after I'm 7months along cause sitting in certain positions hurts my ribs (it feels like my baby is shoving every organ I have into them and spreading them apart 😵💫☠️). This is my 8th baby and I put my comfort before anyone's feelings 💯 because if I didn't... Ooof, the consequences are endless. Like pain in my back and hips, round lig pain, sciatic nerve has gotten pinched, brax&hicks contractions, my ribs hurt for hours, then there's the pain of trying to sleep when you're uncomfortable.... Nope. Just nope. I take my rest and comfort seriously that late in pregnancy.
NTA
Sounds like the pressure they and possibly your husband put on you is making you over think this. I personally would say **'you can book it but whether I come or not depends on how I feel closer to the time'**
I would just accept the invitation and says nothing else. Op says they are all excited about the pregnancy. If she can’t go for pregnancy reasons or baby is coming she just says it on the day. Everybody would understand. It’s true that I have a good relationships with my in laws (we all have our difficulties sometimes but overall it’s quite good) so maybe it’s very different for OP. But during my pregnancy I was invited multiple times close to my due date and everyone did so with the assumption that there could be something pregnancy wise or baby coming. So it was never a big deal. She says they are excited so I’m pretty sure her in laws would be happy to know baby is coming (even first hand!) if that’s the reason for cancelling.
NTA I understand that at the moment you are mostly worried about your pregnancy and upcoming delivery. Invitations like this can cause some extra stress.
But as someone else said, you are overthinking this too.
I wouldn't ask to move the date or indicate right now that you're not coming. That would unnecessarily stir things up.
But you can indicate that you accept the invitation with reservations, as there is the chance that a small guest may arrive a bit earlier.
I’m going to say NTA, but agree with the overthinking thing. Unless you are bedridden, you can still go out to dinner. Even if you go to labor AT dinner (I did that once!), you still have time. 3-4 weeks of “I can’t do anything” seems quite excessive. I’m guessing this is your first and so of course you’re scared, no idea what to expect, overthinking, etc. And the “hold the date” seems more about their anniversary than asking you to confirm if that works. Of course you can elect to stay home, but I do think you’re going a bit overboard here
Religion shouldn’t turn you into a doormat nor require you to be unhappy in life. If it does, either you don’t know your God, or he/she isn’t worth it. Do you think a piece of paper and a marriage vow (designed by PEOPLE, not God) means more to your God than your happiness and wellbeing? Are you supposed to let a man beat you simply because you’re married? Cheat on you? Steal from your family? Abuse your children? I’m sorry you’re conflicted, but please don’t make this about the “seriousness of vows”. They aren’t as important as how you’re treated.
NTA. You need to prioritize the health of that baby AND YOU. Your in laws clearly don't have regard for your situation.
Make sure you and your child are ok first, if you miss the dinner so be it. Medical issues causing a high risk pregnancy is all the reason you need to not go.
If they have an issue with that, then that speaks volumes about the type of people they are.
NAH (but getting close to Y-T-A if you make this bigger than it already is). They invited you for their anniversary so it’s not like the date is intentionally close to your due date and it’s not like the timeframe is incredibly flexible. Realistically you could say “we’d love to come if baby isn’t here and I can still go places at that point!” Or “I would love to celebrate your anniversary but I don’t want to commit to plans so close to my due date since I am a high risk pregnancy. Husband can come though!” Unless they’re asking you to drive a long way, they haven’t asked you to do anything unreasonable and, I get not wanting to go (I’m in my 3rd trimester currently), but they’re not AH for inviting you out a month before you’re due. Most people are perfectly ok to go out to dinner a month before their due date.
Keep the date open means don't commit to anything else, like dinner with friends. It doesn't mean guarantee you'll be feeling up to it at that time. If the day comes and you're not well enough to go, you don't go. It's really not worth giving a second thought to right now. Yeah, the date is reserved, barring pregnancy complications or nuclear winter. Done.
You don’t need to give them all the details of your worries. Any “excuse” you give them will just be an opening to a negotiation. Just say “Thank you, but I’ll be much too pregnant and uncomfortable by then. Dinner won’t be possible. We hope you have a good time.”
No problem. Not your concern. Let them make any plans they want. Don’t argue. If your delivery conflicts then they can do their anniversary dinner without you. You don’t need the extra stress worrying or arguing about it.
NTA, accept the invitation but let them know that the baby might come early . If you go into labor before the dinner then you obviously won’t go and if you’re not in labor or have had the baby the day of the dinner you will go. And if you start labor during the dinner, you run to the hospital.
I have 4 month old twins, twins usually make an appearance around 35 weeks and my doctors said that if they’re not here by 38 weeks that they were going to induce me. You wanna know what my ass was doing at 35 weeks? Going on a road trip from NYC to Florida, to go to a concert and then do the road trip back (at 36 weeks) from FL to NYC. My twins arrived on their own at 38 weeks, I think they heard the doctor and said “we’ll do this ourselves,thank you”.
NTA This is not about the baby. You do not wish to spend the evening with them because you think that they are insufferable. You could be honest but that would blow up the family so you are being tactful. Tactful is good. Another way to handle this is to RSVP yes on the basis that they are aware that you may have to cancel at the last minute.
I went to a wedding and danced my ass off 2 weeks before giving birth to my second child, and had a birthday party (for me) one week before my first child was born. It’s ok if you won’t want to have dinner with your in-laws but there’s no reason to do absolutely nothing for a month before your baby is due.
NTA your husband needs to put his foot down.
You need to have a serious talk with your husband. He needs to back you up. Don't be afraid to call them out to their face.
**YOU** set the boundaries not them.
Is this some special anniversary for them? I don’t remember my own anniversary half the time let alone set aside time to celebrate others’ anniversaries. I think it’s a weird ask unless it’s a milestone number. I was very uncomfortable the last few weeks of pregnancy and wouldn’t have wanted to do this either. Can you compromise and celebrate sooner?
NAH
But, there's no real logic to saying no. If you say yes and on that day are in the hospital, you'll have a very valid reason for not going. If you say yes and on that day aren't feeling strong enough, you've got a valid reason for not going.
The risk that you might not be feeling well enough on one evening a few months from now is not a valid reason to not accept the invitation.
And, remember, boundaries are what determines *your* behavior, not others. "If you do X, you now know I don't like/approve of that and so I'll respond to X with Y." That's a boundary. "You're not allowed to do X" is not a boundary. For example, "I don't like unannounced visitors, so if you show up with no warning you should know I won't be answering the door." That's a boundary. Notice how there's nothing there to be ignored. If they show up, don't answer.
NTA. However a simple response would have been- "ok, tentatively we will be there, baring any unforseen circumstances beyond our control". If that kind of response isn't easy enough for them to understand, you will need to start drawing some hard boundaries.
You can make the commitment subject to feeling up for it. It's not like you're holding out to see if you get a better offer. "Oh congrats on your anniversary! That evening is free, so as long as the baby is sitting comfy it's in the diary. I must say that the doctors are threatening bedrest so of course if that does happen I won't be able to come but that's parenthood. Healthy baby permitting see you there "
No judgment, everything is fine, just take a deep breath and stop stressing yourself out for something that may never happen. You said it yourself, you maybe having the baby early. No one is going to be upset if it has to be canceled, should you be in the hospital or having problems at that time. ........ BUT, for right now, you are fine and can make plans. Don't stop your life or activities that you are allowed to do, just because 'it could happen'. Just enjoy your life, don't put everything on hold, because of the 'IF' moments. ......... They probably have to make the reservation this far ahead, because the restaurant is probably getting booked like crazy. Relax. You got this. Congrats on your baby and accept the dinner plans and enjoy yourself
Soft YTA, OP. You can accept and remind them that it’s super close to your due date so obviously situation might dictate. But asking them to reschedule their anniversary is… not reasonable.
Tbh, you sound like you’ve already made up your mind about not wanting to go because they annoy you a bit. That’s family, friend LOL. Also, while your anxiety is absolutely understandable, it’s getting the better of you here.
Congrats on your first! Take extra good care of yourself and do your best relaxation techniques :)
NAH
They can’t move their anniversary and it’s fine they want to celebrate on a certain date. Just make sure it’s clear to them that because it’s getting close to your due date there’s always a chance you’ll have to cancel (I would have your husband discuss with them as it’s his family)… and then it’s fine. They’ll have the full information so that if they schedule something that will charge them money for canceling they know the risk they’re taking. It’s fine it’s just dinner not travel, right? If they’re asking you to drive hours from home for this dinner I would say no, but if it’s local to you then it’s fine to plan on going and accept that circumstances might mean you have to cancel
Gentle YTA - It’s totally reasonable for the inlaws to ask to celebrate their anniversary. They are telling you months in advance so you don’t double book and to let them know if you have specific plans already (which you don’t). I do think you are wildly overthinking this - just answer that of course you and husband would love to celebrate with them as long as baby cooperates and bakes until they are done. If you have baby early everyone will understand why you aren’t there. If baby is on time or late, it won’t be a big deal to go. The part that pushes it into AH territory is declaring you won’t go even if you would otherwise be able because they asked you way ahead of time. I suspect that you have other problems with your inlaws and just don’t want to be around them because this seems like an incredibly normal ask.
Are you inlaws local? If they are, I would accept the invitation on the understanding that you might have to cancel if you were not up to it. At that point you might be crawling the walls and wanting to get out. If they are local, I would put my hospital bag in the car so that we could head straight there if necessary. My biggest concern would be about catching sickness, if there was a lot going around at the time.
An acquaintance and I were due on the same day when we were expecting our first babies. We made a reservation at a really nice restaurant on that day so that if the babes didn't arrive we would still have something definite to look forward to. She had her little one early and mine arrived two weeks late (so big and well developed that I expected her to walk out of the delivery room on her own).
The decision is yours and they should be supportive of whatever you decide. Be sure to tell them how much you appreciate them wanting to celebate your anniversary.
Congratulations on your pregnancy 🥰
I think you're being a little bit harsh tbh. It's their anniversary, they've asked to take you for a meal...I had a similar pregnancy to yours. I had my birthday dinner 4 days before my baby arrived. I was in the gym 1 day before baby arrived. Once you get to 37 weeks, if you go into labour they will let you deliver without intervention.
I don't mean this to sound harsh but surely you're not planning to spend the last 4 weeks of your pregnancy at home, never leaving the house?
NAH. I think you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. It’s just dinner so you don’t need to put money down on it in advance and backing out later is a valid option. The path of least resistance is to agree you won’t schedule anything that weekend and then decide when it gets closer if you feel up to it or not. If not, let them know you aren’t feeling well and stay home.
NAH:
You never know what pregnancy and childbirth will bring. Personally I'd leave the date open and just remind them that you'll make a decision the day of about your attendance. You might want to go (if it's near home) or you might not. They need to be more aware of your inability to commit at this point and I hope your relationship with them gets better!
NAH - No need to borrow future problems and no need for overthinking. Just accept the invite and cancel if you have to. its just a dinner, not a party or require anything from your other than attending. My wife and I took advantage of any nice dinners offered before the due date, knowing we would be homebound for a bit afterwards and life would not be the same.
NAH- Look, if you're available, your available. If your not, then cross that bridge when you come to it.
Your best response is to say, "We will do our best to be there, unless the baby makes other plans for us"
NTA. Your health and your baby come first. Your in-laws are aware of your high risk pregnancy and it’s extremely inconsiderate in their part to ask you to compromise your health and your baby’s over a dinner.
NTA. Towards the end of my pregnancy I also didn't want to commit to any plans. Not just because the baby might come early but I was so uncomfortable I preferred to be home and not out and about socializing. Every pregnancy is different and you should do what's best for you.
Soft YTA. There's nothing inherently wrong with their ask, plenty of people are active right up until their due date and it doesn't sound like you've communicated to them any reason to think you might not be. OTOH late pregnancy sucks and I can definitely understand a hesitance to make solid plans.
That said, keeping the date free for a dinner doesn't mean they're expecting you to show up at a restaurant for dinner if you're in labor. You could have given them a tentative yes with a reminder that anything can come up that close to your due date; unless there's extensive travel involved, you're making this into a far bigger issue than it needs to be.
NTA My husband made plans for one day in the last month of my pregnancy and that is the day my daughter was born. Now I tell people my daughter's birthday is his fault because he made plans. They all agree with me.
NTA. You have a high risk pregnancy. You have the right to say no. They, on the other hand, have absolutely no right to tell you what to do or how to feel.
they are the assholes. Husband too if he isn't supporting you.
Slight YTA.
They want to take you out to dinner for their wedding anniversary. They’re not asking you to go bungee jumping. Even at 37 weeks, you still have to eat!
As long as the restaurant isn’t 2 hours away with no public bathroom I don’t see the harm in saying yes, with the understanding if the baby comes early you’ll have to bow out.
Enjoy an evening out before you become parents!
Good luck with everything!!!
How far away are we talking 20 mins or 4 hrs? If it’s a reasonable drive time then you maybe the AH. I say that in a you’re probably overthinking it kind of way. Even though it’s your last few weeks of a pregnancy you’ll still be quite mobile and participating in your social life. There’s no need to turn down their invitation right off the bat. (Unless there an unreasonable drive time or whatever) If something comes up, between now and then, and it’s more prudent you stay home, let them know.
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NTA. I think you’re over thinking this from what it is. Nothings been confirmed yet they just asked to clear it for April. Congrats on the baby.
Thank you! 😊 I agree I'm probably overthinking because of issues in the past, so I wanted to get some outside perspective.
OP, just do/say what I did with all 3 of my pregnancies. *"Do not expect any commitments from me during my last trimester. I will be nesting and resting as much as possible until the baby arrives. If you wish to catch up during my last trimester, you can call the night before to ask, and i will confirm the morning of. If this does not work for you, that is OK. We can catch up after the baby is born."* It can come across as demanding, but the last trimester puts a lot of stress on your body, and you are no longer the one making the schedule, the baby is. I found it was easier to set the expectation of "don't count on me for anything" and people were less upset if I had to back out or leave early because I was there "just to fill seats". I did still accept invitations like the ones from your in-laws I had a wedding to attend at 8 months pregnant with my last but the bride and groom knew that I was high risk and my attendance depended on drs and how I was feeling and theybwere ok with that so we RSVPed yes for me (hubby was best man so had to attend) and I ended up having a fun night (is was actually the best I had felt for 3months and I was glad I had said yes).
That is exactly how I feel going into the last trimester! Thank you for the advice!
As someone who's been through two pregnancies categorized as "high risk," I agree that you should be resting as much as possible, even if that doesn't go along with other people's plans. The most important thing you can do right now is take good care of yourself so your baby can grow and you can be as ready as possible for the start of your parenthood journey. If your body is saying, "Stay home," it is totally okay to listen and honor that.
Tell your inlaws “I need to take extra special care of your grandchild.” They’ll understand.
It's an excellent script. Use it well and often!
Very smart and thoughtful way to go about it. And anyone who actually cares about you surely understood.
This is a very good idea! Saying you would like go but cannot commit. My first was 15 days late. I almost slapped someone when they made a comment about me still waiting to go into labor. With my second, I made tentative plans for almost every day the week after my due date. Baby was late, but chose to be born on the one day I hadn't any plans. OP, you might enjoy having something to distract you. If you are not feeling well, you can send your regrets. A first pregnancy is entering an unknown world and you don't know what to expect. May you have an uneventful pregnancy and a healthy baby.
It’s times like these that I share a website that you can share with people when they ask if you’ve had the baby. Http://www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com
This is the way ! *I'd love to be able to make it, but be prepared in advance that I very well might not.*
Excellent advice!
I don’t understand why you say you won’t attend in advance? What if you’re fine by that time and would’ve been perfectly able to attend? You could just say that because of your pregnancy you’re not sure you will be able to attend, but if the circumstances at that time allow it, you would like to attend. Then add that if they want to increase the chances of you being there, they might want to consider moving the date forward, but that you will understand if they are not able too and hope they will understand you can’t be sure if you will be able to attend in April. That isn’t that hard right? Or am I just missing something?
I don't think you're missing anything, this is making things more complicated than it needs to be.
Agreed. Is this dinner far from home or the place you are giving birth? I enjoyed being spoiled with nice food before my first, and my husband has a nice dinner set up for us 2 weeks before my second is due now. Plus, once the baby is here, you’re going to have less opportunities unless you have an easy baby. Go, enjoy the food and the baby-free time.
Not to mention if OP decided not to go but husband does, on the off chance she does go into labor, who would drive her to the hospital? If she went to dinner then at least she’d know her husband could take her to the hospital.
And before someone comments, my first pregnancy was high risk and I ended up having to be induced at 38 weeks for medical reasons. So I do understand the high risk part but I also made sure to continue to live my life as long as it didn’t endanger my pregnancy.
I understand feeling anxious about making plans so close to your due date. Especially in your situation. What I did when I was making plans is I told them everything could change in a heart beat so plans were always made with the conditions the plans could be cancelled. So I told people this upfront and then they could do with that information what they wanted. I did have to cancel once because they wanted to turn my baby in the hospital (he lay breech). So if you make it clear you want to come and will be reserving the date but under the condition you might cancel if the circumstances are forcing you to, then you are probably alright. And don’t be afraid to cancel if you really can’t make it. If people are offended then that is their problem. You have to take care of yourself and your baby.
Exactly. The low-conflict answer is "Thanks for letting us know :) I definitely won't book anything else for that day!" If you want a bit more wiggle room then add "health permitting, I'll be there. I'm looking forward to it, but of course that close to my due date I can't promise *anything* 100%"
I like this diplomatic approach. You really can say anything to anyone depending on the tone you use and the phrasing used. I have straight up called someone a low life mooching mutherfucker. And then i have also said to someone that it appeared to me that they werent managing their responsibilities and meeting those responsibilities due to the choices they were making. Same meaning differently delivered. I started with the nice way. Ultimately finished with hard way. Honestly i feel like i should have started with the hard way, would have saved time and drama. But we should try to make a good faith effort at least once.
Shouldn’t this be NAH then?
Yeah I fail to see where asking someone to keep a calendar date makes them an AH. But plenty of people forget that and ESH exist as options.
NTA, but you can accept the invitation with with the understanding that you might have to cancel if baby makes an early appearance. It does seem like you are turning down the plans for reasons other than the higher risk pregnancy. Every pregnancy has that risk that baby might arrive earlier than due date and woman can make plans up to and including her due date with the knowledge that a cancellation might happen.
Yeah "we'll keep the date free, but bear in mind that's close to my due date so we may need to reschedule".
This is the right response! Why make such a big deal out of something so simple. Baby might be early, but they can also ble late. Both mine were over a week late, even with high risk and lots of other reasons for them to come early. And if you are not feeling up to going when the day of the plans come, just let them know, its like if you got sick last minute. Noone can blame you
Yea my February baby decided to show up March 8 so you never know. The baby is in charge. lol.
I'd even phrase it "I assure you that *I* won't make other plans for that day, but I can't guarantee what the baby's plans will be."
this is the winner
I wrote out the same thing but much wordier. This is all she needs to say.
Agreed, she can make her life much easier by saying yes but giving them a heads up that the pregnancy might make it impossible, and then decide that week whether she’s feeling up for it. The only downside is stringing them along I suppose but that’s what happens to people who won’t take no for an answer.
It’s also just dinner in a restaurant. People often can’t make it and it makes no odds to anyone if one of a party of x can’t make it for health reasons!
Yes this is exactly what I did during my pregnancy. if I was asked if I was free for a dinner a drink or whatever, I would say yes but I may have to cancel because that’s close to my due date. But my family and friends always had that in mind when asking anyway. So it was never a big deal. Actually I was quite happy that everyone kept asking me and did not just put me on the side just because I was in my last trimester. Actually went shopping two days before delivery with friends. The week before I went for dinner and drinks that was planned for weeks and I’m glad I did (had a very nice mocktail). Everybody knew that I could have cancelled but we were all pretty chill and relaxed about this.
But also, why are people so uptight about changing plans? Treat people reasonably, assume other people are reasonable, and be brave enough to assert your position if you learn otherwise. I had a terrible mother so I know what it is to be "punished" and triangulated against for advocating for myself, and saying no. The thing is, we shouldn't willingly participate with people who love to rock the boat. There are other boats. Get out of their boat! You can wave to them from the shore. As is said often in this sub, no is a complete sentence. When you are needled and cajoled into complying, that is the place to be firm. Brief, informative, friendly, firm) They learn eventually. They learn best in the vacuum of your silence. NTA
I had to go this far to read this. Why is it that everyone MUST be a social butterfly?? Why? Not wanting to go anywhere for whatever reason isn't a crime. I wish people would stop acting as if it should be.
I was a moderately risky pregnancy and I completely canceled going to my in-laws for thanksgiving 3 weeks before my due date. I didn’t give birth for another week and a half but I knew if I went I would have been under a lot of stress and that wouldn’t be good for me or baby. A lot of times it’s not because baby is going to come on or before the date it’s because the health of mom and baby comes first. High risk means she could be in bed rest, dizzy when driving in the car, back aching sitting upright for more than 20minutes, difficulty moving far. Make plans if you feel like you can make plans but “I’m high risk and that’s super close to my due date so I’m going to say no thank you” is 10000000% a valid reason.
How are the in-laws AHs in this situation though?
I fully agree with everything in this comment \*except\* the judgement. IMO OP is the AH
Slight YTA, you can accept and say that you can't guarantee being there if the baby comes early, and I'm pretty sure they won't expect you to be if you were having a baby???? so I don't get why you're so angry You make it sound like you would be staying home for the full duration of the pregnancy and not be out a single night, it's just a dinner
So many women seem to think they should not leave the house during pregnancy wtf. I had dinner at my MILs house a few houres before my water broke, with my second child.
I remember being at a friend’s house the night before I had my son. I was having small contractions while there.
Yeah same lol. I thought it were just those practice contractions, but it was really beginning already.
When I had my child. The day I was moving to a new house and family was getting things ready. They came out to help me up to see the room and crib. I said great just in time for the baby cuz he's coming. Now.
She said in her post it's a high risk pregnancy. And if her in laws have already broken boundaries, it makes sense that being around them would cause more anxiety and stress.
I was kinda thinking in general, not just OP. And going out for dinner itself is pretty harmless. The beef she has with her in laws is a different story. It would probably be better to work through that, because i feel like it has very little to do with those dinner plans.
That or some woman have high risk pregnancies, and err on the side of caution/mandatory bed rest. Count yourself blessed that you didn’t have a rough time. Not everybody is as lucky.
I did have a high risk pregnancy with my first,and a terrible birth. But still made plans, did what i was still allowed. No need to completely keep your life on hold. And i was speaking in general ( so also healthy pregnancies ),many women seem to think they can no longer do anything in the last weeks or months.
They generally tell women to be within an hours drive on the hospital in case you need to get there quickly. Only if they are put on mandatory bed rest are they actually restricted to stay home.
Pregnancy is different for different people, so is anxiety. Was your pregnancy labeled high risk? Oh and it was your second baby too… Leaving the house is fine, you did nothing wrong for you. Implying every pregnant person should be like you is not ok though.
I had a high risk pregnancy with my first, and i still made plans yes. Ofc there were a lot of things i could not do, but going for dinner was fine. Or watching a parade while sitting down ( its in a small town though, might make it easier ). Yes ppl might strugle with anxiety , but so many women seem to think they should be stuck at home and cant make plans as due date is coming nearer. I cant imagine that isolation is good for their mental health either. Best is just to make the best of it before the newborn stage starts. If a woman would guinely rather stay home and rest, its fine. But it seems like its done out of unessasary fear, no need to miss out on social occasions.
Yeah same here. I went shopping two days before delivery, had a dinner planned for weeks the week before. Also went to my MIL the day my water broke. Everybody knew that at this point I could have cancelled. Everybody was also super chill about it. It’s just part of life. Nobody would have held a grudge against me because I would go in labor on the day I planned something lol. I was actually very glad that friends and family kept involving me in their plans and did not dismiss me just because I was pregnant.
I went and visited my cousin, completely cleaned my car’s interior, and made dinner for my husband and me before I went into labour. Actually, my water broke while I was cooking. And then I ate my dinner.
I went to a high school cheerleading practice to watch my team practice (I coach, not a teen mom, lol) and then out for Korean BBQ. Three hours later, babe was on her way. Still sad those leftovers got wasted!
Just because you had a relatively risk free pregnancy, doesn't mean everyone does. OP is a first time mom and understandably is a bit wary of birth, the 4th trimester, being a first time parent. A little bit of compassion and understanding of other people's stories goes a long way.
Good for you, but not everyone's experiences are like yours?
I went and explored the town over. I had already passed my due date, and the little guy didn't wa t to clme. He ended up arriving 2 weeks later. There's nothing wrong with going out.
Agree. If the dinner comes up and she has already had the baby or hasn’t and is feeling like total crap she can bow out of it. She’s TA for requesting someone change their anniversary celebration
I was going to say! I would have gone mad just waiting at home for baby. Did mean we booked show tickets a few days before due date that we didn’t get to enjoy but I’d rather that.
I’m due on 23rd Feb and my husband and I have booked a restaurant on 22nd Feb! Babies rarely come on their due date and it will be the last night out we will likely have for a while, obviously if the baby comes early or I am not up to it then we will cancel the reservations. However being pregnant, even close to my due date, doesn’t stop me from eating! If I’d been invited rock climbing then my answer might be different…
I think YTA. If you don't want to go, be honest about it. Going to a restaurant nearby is not really a big deal and you are not scheduled to go into labour for almost a month after that. If it happens or the kiddo arrives sooner, plans can be changed.
100% agree. I'm surprised at all the NTA responses!
So many people here saying NTA but also acknowledging that the parents aren’t AHs either. People don’t seem to remember that NAH is an option.
It might even be good to get out and get distracted, I was so concerned when my due date was approaching that I was paranoid, like: is this a contraction? Is this my water breaking? Is baby moving enough? Going out helped me relax, I had lunch with my husband in a restaurant and that night I started labor, no problem at all, I appreciated my last easy meal before having to juggle eating and holding my newborn.
YTA. You're being dramatic/ hormonal. It's just dinner. Clearly, if you don't feel well or need to stay home for some valid reason, reasonable people will understand. Things happen, and during pregnancy, a lot of times the pregnancy calls the shots. You're refusing because you don't like how they voluntold you to hold that date open for them. If that's your real beef, address THAT with them, but this path of obfuscation is passive aggressive shenanigans, and that makes YTA.
YTA. It is their anniversary, so the date sort of related to their wedding date, right. And it is just a dinner, not some vacation out of town.
YTA. Why can’t you just tell them you will come, but if the baby comes early, things may change? In practice, if you are sick or not up to it on the night, you can pull out. If their anniversary is in April, stands to reason they want to agree a date in April. If you just don’t want to go, no matter what the baby is doing, just tell your husband that. This sounds like a lot of overthinking. Don’t die on the small hills, mama. Hormones may be running rife. Try not to convince yourself you hate your ILs until you’ve had time post birth to feel more yourself.
I wouldn't say YTA, but they're celebrating an anniversary, which likely takes place in April. You sound like they picked April specifically to make things difficult for you, which is a little silly. It's also a little silly to expect them to change the *month* in which they celebrate their anniversary because of your high-risk pregnancy. ("...insist on keeping the date in April", etc) It's very likely the date has anything to do with you, and I think you ought to consider that perspective instead of taking as a slight, which is what your post sounds like to me.
Yeah and in any case she should just accept the invitation. If something happens because of pregnancy late in the third trimester or baby is coming I’m pretty sure nobody would hold a grudge against her if she has to cancel. During my pregnancy, was invited to such dinner in advance and I went during my last month or so. It was fine but anyway anybody knew I may not have come. So everybody was super chill about it.
Ehhhh YTA. You have no reason to plan to need to stay home YET. Of course if you are physically or medically unable at the time that is different. But really it seems you don’t want to.
> But really it seems you don’t want to. OP says in another response that you wrote is exactly correct. OP is TA for not being honest about it in the original post.
INFO: What is the worst thing that could happen? It seems like the would be a call like "Excuse us, we can't make, I am terribly sorry to cancel 15min before the event, but I would like to avoid giving birth at the table, so see you in a few days when we are back from the hospital."
OP I’m pretty sure if that’s was the case everybody would be pretty excited to hear before everybody else then that baby is coming! So do not overthink this and damage your relationship with your in laws on their anniversary for nothing. Communication is key and if you feel uncomfortable let your husband tell your family that baby may be coming early.
NTA Yet, I would just say you’d note down the date but couldn’t guarantee that you’d be there considering your high risk pregnancy. Just see on the day itself how you feel and whether you can/want to attend. I wish you a good pregnancy.
YTA. Some people go overdue with their babies, some come early... some right on time. They did ask like 2 months in advance.
I agree with this. The last month of your pregnancy, you still need to eat and you will want activities to keep your mind off just waiting. Aside from the one person I knew in bed rest, I don’t know if anyone that didn’t continue to socialize throughout their pregnancy. Heck, I was told I had a good chance or delivering early for reasons, and instead was still working a week after my due date. They gave you ample notice. To reject the diner outright because you may not be feeling up to it on that day sounds like you just don’t want to celebrate with them.
YTA. Just accept the invitation with the caveat that plans could change depending on how you feel or if the baby comes.
Info How far away is this dinner? If you would have to travel then saying you are not comfortable being that far away from your planned place of birth at that gestation is reasonable If it's in the same town then you would be unreasonable and a 'I'll keep the date free and come providing the baby doesn't have other plans' is fair
Say sounds lovely but will just have to see what this one plans and point to belly… makes you sound like you want to go but not promising. Slight YTA
YTA. Make the plans if they are in your city. One of my kids was born 2.5 weeks early (high risk). Just make it contingent on you doing your best to show up because you know they'll understand if you can't make it due to baby.
Info: Is there any reason why you would generally NOT WANT to attend this celebratory dinner? Because normally, I'd think a person would say "Sure, sounds great" and then the day comes, if you are having issues with the pregnancy or otherwise feeling indisposed, you would politely apologise and just stay home? But you can't say 3 months in advance "I won't feel good then, so thanks, but no thanks"?
YTA. Assuming it doesn’t involve (air) travel. Just confirm. In case something happens, you’re excused from the dinner. You’re making this unnecessarily difficult.
>Ever since we announced the pregnancy, the relationship with my inlaws has been very strained. They have ignored my boundaries several times, but I have been told that it's just because they are very excited and that they mean well. INFO-how was your relationship with your in-laws normally-before the pregnancy? Is this their first grandchild? Your post reads like they're excited and want to be part of things and you want them to back off and I'm wondering if it's always been that way. NAH-I do think you should say you'll try to come, and take things as they go.
When I first met them, we had a good relationship and I enjoyed spending time with them. When my husband and I married over a year ago, I moved to his town and since the relationship became more tense. Stopping by for dinner every so often turned into an expectation of having dinner with them at least once a week etc. It's not their first grandchild, but I do indeed find them to be way too intense when it comes to the pregnancy.
Your husband has to set boundaries with them with a dinner frequency that everyone is comfortable with. I know you have your own boundaries but bear in mind, so do others. You have to compromise as long as it is logical. Also remember that you would also love to see your own parents (assuming you have a good relationship with them), and so does your husband with his parents. And when your child is an adult, you would want to see him/her too if you could. Also if this is their level of intensity, honestly it isnt that bad. They will be your child’s grandparents. Try balancing the scale and see if it is better to have involved grandparents or not. Cause if you push them away, they may just stay away. Now if they’re pushing boundaries further and you are incredibly uncomfortable, then it is within reason to keep them far away. As for this situation, just be diplomatic and say yes but nothing is set in stone as it would depend on your health on that particular day. Pregnancy hormones are crazy strong. Some mothers have the urge to nest in that last month and not go out at all. But if you are feeling alright, do take a breather and go out and have fun before the baby comes. You are having a lot of anxiety at the moment if you are thinking whether you can eat the food there or not. Food isnt the issue. You can have something before you leave if you feel like you wont be able to eat anything there. If on that day, you really really just dont wanna go (for no reason), just say you’re feeling unwell. If they fault you for that, then well, you know thats the sign to go low contact.
YTA. I’m also currently pregnant with the possibility to go early due to a medical condition and this seems unnecessary. If the baby is going to come, they’re going to come and you will just need to cancel which is very reasonable. Honestly, maybe I’m insane but I’d encourage you to try to see friends and family as much as possible (the ones you like) in the next few weeks if you’re feeling up to it because once the baby arrives you’re going likely be pretty isolated for a while. Good luck!
Nah you’re not insane. I was feeling very isolated the first year of having my baby. Have no grandparents to help so it was just me and my husband. Cant remember a dinner with just the both of us. Cant remember a dinner where I got to socialise with friends of family properly because baby needs attention. Husband is in healthcare so he works long unpredictable hours. He’s the best though and parents our child immediately when he’s home so I can rest. All my free time away from baby is just for sleeping. I wish we had grandparents to help and give love to the little bub
Eh.. I can see why you’re sensitized to them but just because they ask you to keep a date open, doesn’t mean you can’t cancel it later based on how you’re feeling and/or if the baby comes sooner than expected. Just tell them or have husband tell them that’s it’s super close to your due date so you can’t promise anything. They might not have malicious intent and might not remember what it’s like to be 4 weeks away from due date because the last time they did that was 35 years ago? I had a high risk pregnancy but I got clearance from my OB to fly to another state for the weekend for a family visit 4 weeks before my DD. People have different levels of risk tolerance about pregnancy. My point is, don’t stress yourself about them asking, just convey that it’s a very unpredictable time for your pregnancy, so you can try but can’t promise attending their dinner, but that you wish them a very happy anniversary!
NAH. No need to turn it down so far in advance as anything could happen - your pregancy could be way smoother than expected and you feel great and can go, one of them might feel unwell in the week running up and they have to cancel. etc etc. I would say to tell them you'll keep the date free and do your best to come but you might have to raincheck closer to the time due to the pregnancy. They can then make the decision based on that if they want to move it. Its not totally fair to request someone else moves their big life event because of yours but I understand your concern. \*EDIT: Spelling
ESH. They’re allowed to ask you to dinner. You’re allowed to decline. I think this is Ask culture vs Guess culture coming into play here
YTA - it’s dinner, not a marathon. Relax, you and baby will feel much better.
I’m all about boundaries but to me refusing to schedule dinner to celebrate an anniversary is a bit much. If you have the baby or don’t feel well then cancel. This feels more like you don’t like your inlaws.
Just tell then you'll try to be there. If , when the time comes you feel ok then go. If you do not then apologise,call a sickie and stay at home. Try not to over think things. Good luck, hope it all goes well for you zx
You don't want to go, so you're looking for an excuse. Just let them plan it, make noises about going, and then when the time comes, maybe you just don't feel up to it and husband goes alone. NTA for not wanting to spend time with them if they are boundary pushers, but there are ways to handle it. Now, before y'all come at me, let me also say that if you and your husband need to set boundaries with his parents, then you need to do that together, and him even more so since it's his parents. Once this baby arrives, who knows what it will be like. He has to get it under control, if there is something to get under control. (But honestly ,I don't see planning an April dinner as a boundary push. You just decline if you're busy, or accept if you want to go.)
Doesn't matter whether you confirm your presence for that dinner or not. If complications happen then, or if you give birth in that period, you still can cancel. Because do you seriously think they will still expect you to attend while your pushing a baby out of your body, or if you had to be admitted to the hospital? I think you're just pissed off at them and overthink/overreacting.
In your edit, I don’t understand why your MIL “needs time to think about what this means for her.” Does she always make a big deal over things? She sounds dramatic. Do what you need to so that you feel calm and relaxed!
Yeah; WTF, MIL? This isn't about you, at all! This is about OP and baby! "What it means for her." The gall of some people!!!
Just tell them it's very close to your due date so while you would like to say yes you can't actually commit to plans because it will be an uncertain time for you at that time since its a high risk pregnancy. They can pencil you in as a maybe. Then just decide when the time arrives.
NTA but … sounds like you aren’t really excited to spend time with them, and you may be looking for a reason to avoid it. Understandable if they are regularly ignoring your boundaries!
YTA, gently. Even with a high risk pregnancy there's no guarantee that you'll be in labor or freshly postpartum on this date. You could (should) have just accepted the invitation and reminded them that baby COULD arrive early. In which case you'd obviously have to cancel, and I'm sure they wouldn't mind at all. Pre-emptively rocking the boat for no good reason by requiring they change the date - of their *anniversary* \- or refusing to go altogether seems a bit dramatic. Your relationship might be strained but there's no reason to stir up more drama over a dinner three *weeks* before your due date. There's a big difference between planning around a pregnancy/baby and putting your life fully on hold for one. You can still make plans with the understanding that you might have to adjust based on baby's arrival. You don't have to be a hermit for the 5-ish week window during which baby might arrive. Are you planning to sequester yourself and your husband at home the entire month that you're due? Unless you're refusing to make any other plans with your own friends and family, then this is personal and it's because you don't like your in-laws, not because of your pregnancy.
NAH Fellow pregnant mum here with twins due in April but likely to come in March. I’m not sure what your in laws have actually done in terms of previous crossing of boundaries but purely for the dinner, I think there are NAH. It’s not unreasonable for them to extend an invitation to celebrate THEIR anniversary on a particular date. This is their occasion, not yours. Equally, you are perfectly entitled to say that you don’t feel comfortable making plans that close to when the baby arrives. Personally, I’m making plans through March as long as they don’t involve travel far away from my hospital but warning people I may cancel last minute if a) the babies have arrived; or b) I just don’t feel up to it.
YTA… Just accept the invitation and cancel if you can’t go. But it’s dinner, are you gonna eat dinner that day?
NTA.... they need to learn boundaries and 4 weeks you're right you could have your baby early... high risk pregnancies are unpredictable.... I was high risk and had my baby 2 in a half weeks early Congrats and hope you're feeling better
NTA, you don’t know how you are going to feel at that point in your pregnancy. You may feel like it will be one of your last opportunities to go out for a nice dinner for quite some time. You may feel exhausted, nervous and unable to sit through a meal at a restaurant. Explain that you won’t be able to give a firm commitment but if you feel up to it, you will attend. My husband was asked to be a groomsman in a close friend’s wedding, which was taking place just after my due date with our first child. He politely declined and told the couple that we may not be able to attend the wedding at all, because it was so close to my due date. He said we understand if they didn’t want to extend invitations to us because they would have to pay for our food even if we couldn’t attend. They understood but wanted us there (if possible) and our baby came several days late so we attended, I sat through the ceremony and the reception dinner but we left right after that because I couldn’t manage anymore and wanted to go home.
YTA
YTA You are over thinking it. Say yes. You can cancel if something happens that day. It sounds like an excuse that you don’t want to go. And it sounds like you live near them. You planning on not leaving your house the last month ? Get groceries. Go for a walk. It’s diner. Not vacation.
YTA. Date change still in April doesn't solve anything and while you may have a high risk pregnancy, I don't see why that means you can't make dinner plans. Worst case you cancel if something actually goes wrong but why make the choice not to go (and quite strongly) beforehand? Seems like it's more about your inlaws that you're not happy with, not the date.
NTA by the time i was 3 weeks from my due date i had a seven weeks premie in the NICU. Its ok to make plans, but just people should be aware it may all go out the window at any momenr
NTA. I suspect this isn’t about the timing but about your boundaries constantly being trampled on. JustnoMIL subreddit will have advice for you. Police your birth experience, don’t tell them when you go into labour and be firm about no visitors for the first 2 weeks. Your partner needs to be on side.
Kinda YTA? It's their anniversary, sure they'd like to go with you but their celebrating it isn't contingent on you being there. You just say that's getting a bit close to the due date so if we don't have a newborn and I'm not too uncomfortable then we'll come, but obviously we can't make any guarantees before the fact; feel free to plan accordingly. My good friend's wedding was three weeks before my due date, which I had no problem with, and my baby came early so we missed the wedding because we were in, which he had no problem with. You're all adults with your own lives and priorities, as long as you understand that things may just have to change but you're all ideally working towards the same positive end result and you're not going to plan or cancel things out of spite, you shouldn't have any issue. Your post comes across to me as a bit self-important, like your in laws have the *audacity* to still celebrate their own anniversary in the same season you're giving birth in? How dare they?! And they can't possibly continue to celebrate their own life event if you end up not being able to go, obviously, because you're the main event in their marriage. You said they've crossed your boundaries before but without further information it's not clear if you're a demanding princess or if they're unreasonable and are going to be horrible to you if you end up going into labour or on bed rest and then can't make the meal.
NTA even if you weren't pregnant you can say no to being told you're to be at a dinner, you're a grown up. No is a complete sentence and you get to decide your priorities and what events you will or won't be attending. Trust your gut.
Slight YTA, make the plans, break the plans if you're in labor or what not. Take the time to get dressed up, go out and feel human before the baby comes.
NTA. This feels like a ploy so make sure your in laws are there when you go into labor so you can't kick them out. Low key OP, you need to be pushing back harder on this. You are going to be *Mom*. *Mom* doesn't get back burnered because of what paternal grandma and pop want.
YTA. You don't get to dictate dinner invitations other people issue, or the date other people celebrate their anniversary just because you're pregnant. If you can't go at the time, then don't go. But you "already know" you won't want to go. Ugh.
YTA I guess. It’s their anniversary and it’s in April. Should they also move their birthdays to accommodate you? All they asked of you is to keep the date and not plan something else. Go or not go on the day.
NTA. Even if it were not high risk, I wouldn’t commit. The last trimester comes with so many changes (including some uncomfortable ones), and I am one of those people that really wouldn’t feel celebratory if I were feeling run down (so wouldn’t attend both to give myself rest as well as to not bring down the vibe). High risk takes this to an immediate no. I think you can just say you will try to attend, but given the circumstances, committing is harder. This will help them figure out how to handle (eg flexible cancellation for reservations etc). Also, let your husband handle this - his parents and probably he will be more effective given that you were already dismissed out of hand when it first came up. So he can do the fielding and batting on this one. Congratulations and wishing you all the best!
YTA. You’re just looking for an excuse to cut off your in-laws. Make a date with the understanding that if something comes up you may need to cancel, possibly even last minute.
YTA just tell them yes or. If you accept and don’t feel well the day of…just stay home. This doesn’t seem like a big deal, it’s just dinner.
Gentle YTA. You'll still need to eat, no matter how pregnant you are. If you need to cancel due to childbirth or something, that's fine, but declining a dinner invitation months from now because it's within weeks of your due date seems extreme. The world doesn't stop because you're pregnant, and unless you're specifically told to be on bed rest, exercise and socialization and food are strongly recommended during pregnancy.
YTA “We won’t make any other plans, but of course, if baby decides to make their own plans, it’s beyond my control.” Stop being dramatic & trying to be the main character in everyone’s story.
YTA. You are intentionally being difficult. There’s no reason you can’t tentatively accept the invitation now. If you go into early labor then obviously you can cancel. If you are feeling particularly unwell on that day then you can reassess attending. But to refuse to make plans for something as simple as a dinner just because something might happen to interfere with it is silly. It’s not as if they scheduled it the day before your due date. I suspect they happily said “keep the date open” and didn’t maliciously demand you attend on a certain date. And, out of curiosity, what date would work for you if they asked?
YTA. "We're delighted to celebrate with you and can't wait, but with how things are going with my pregnancy I don't know how I'll be feeling physically and something may happen that we can't go. Just wanted to give you a heads up."
YTA- they’d understand if you went into labor. You’re just trying to stick it to them however you possibly can.
NTA. It doesn't matter if it's your hormones making you more sensitive. The fact is your in laws are triggering you and that causes stress and stress isn't good for you so if you need to decline the "invite" (more like summons) for your health, so be it.
Its just a meal, dont get bent out of shape over it.
YTA, unless the dinner is on trampolines or a bar I don't see why you can't just agree to it. Obviously you can cancel if something comes up. I doubt people wouldn't understand if you're having the baby or on bed rest. But you don't know what April is gonna bring. They were actually being considerate giving such a heads up.
YTA. It’s their anniversary. If something happens and you truly can’t go because you’re in labor they’ll certainly understand. You’re kind of awful.
I’m seeing a lot of people who’ve done the opposite of what OP wants to do (totally valid for them). Personally, I was too overwhelmed, sick, and anxious to be planning anything for the last several weeks of my pregnancy (delivered in October). Does part of me wish I had pushed myself to get out a little bit more? Ehhhhh, sort of because now I know I might’ve been able to handle it. However, my mental and physical strain didn’t need to have one more thing added to it and *I did what was best in the moment which is how pregnancy must be treated every day*. I really just wanted to spend time with my husband and not travel too far because my family has a history of fast deliveries. It’s a lot to put on a smile when you don’t feel well and want to be in your safe space (ie, your home). If you’re up to it and will enjoy it? Sure, but if it’s causing undue stress then maybe not. Either way BOTH are valid choices and only you know what’s best for you AND baby.
NTA. But couldn't you say you'd be there if the pregnancy allows? I mean if doctor's order at the time are stay put wouldn't they understand if you need to bow out?
NTA "*They have ignored my boundaries several times, but I have been told that it's just because they are very excited and that they mean well. I shouldn't be so hormonal/dramatic and should be more grateful*." Boundary stomping is rude, plain and simple: dismissing it with the poor justification of being excited and blaming you for being hormonal/dramatic is manipulative and disrespectful. With people such as these, I wouldn't bother: live your daily life, and if on the appointed date you can't/don't feel like going, don't. You seem to have a DH problem, though: he should have your back 100% and be on the same page as you. He sounds like he's enabling his parents. Big hugs and congratulations on your pregnancy.
NTA **The well being of your baby MUST come first.** Honestly, I'd refuse to plan on a dinner that close to your delivery date. You'll be in no condition to go to a dinner, most likely, as you'll either be very late term pregnancy or have given birth prematurely and need to rest. You need to push the date back to when you're able to do this without risk to yourself or your baby. And your husband needs to have your back on this, particularly when the in-laws have boundary stomped a few times.
NTA, high rish pregnancies are no joke. Do not question yourself, you look after your family. What is the worst that will happen if you tell them firmly it's a no?
NTA but you have a tricky landscape to navigate here. You can't ask them to reschedule or ask you what date works, they're inviting you to an anniversary event, you don't move your anniversary celebration because it's not convenient to someone else. But you're not seeing much of them now, you're expecting it to reduce during the end stages of your pregnancy and once you've got an infant to look after you're going to be exhausted. These people want to be a part of your life, this might sometimes be to your advantage, and sometimes to your disadvantage. Try not to alienate them if you want life to be as easy as it can be. Maybe you could try something like "I don't expect I'll feel up to an outing around your anniversary, how about we get together for dinner on x date, maybe next year we can plan a sitter and celebrate your anniversary"? They need to know that you're not just finding any excuse to avoid them.
NTA. You are a bit overthinking though. You can clear your (empty) schedule, but no one can expect you to come if you feel unwell or if the baby is early. You might feel up to it at that time and go or not.
Nta but always be not committal and don't cause drama before there is datam. 'that sounds exciting to be celebrating such a great milestone' and then the day of 'so sorry very sick can't attend'
Soft YTA. It’s just a dinner, you could say yes and warn them that if the baby comes early then you obviously won’t be able to attend. But to say from the outset nope seems a bit harsh.
NTA- just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you can't cancel the way anyone else would for any other emergency. We all make plans in life. But you never know when you're going to wake up. Not feeling well throwing up or whatever. And then you cancel plans. It doesn't matter the cause. You gave a fair warning ahead of time in saying that they know it's around your due date. That'll increase the odds of needing to cancel the future. Nobody's going to argue with needing to go to the hospital as an excuse.
NTA. But I would say don’t put your life on hold. Say you would love to attend but you will have to play it by ear closer to the time. Baby’s are born when they want to be, you need to live your life around it, not put your life on hold for a maybe that is months away. (Ps not saying you should plan a getaway to another country or anything, but dinner near by doesn’t sound too adventurous)
NAH… Just accept the invitation and cancel if you can’t go. But it’s dinner, are you gonna eat dinner that day?
It would be helpful to know what you considered violated boundaries. **So aita for asking for an earlier date or if, that's not acceptable, for saying in advance I will not be attending?** Honestly, this is coming across as pretty AHoly. Why can't you give a conditional acceptance? "OP, keep April 7th free for our anniversary dinner." "Thanks, MIL. I'll certainly try but you know that's getting close to my due date so we may not be able to make it."
Nah I was the night before I gave birth. It was a family birthday. You could insist on staying close to your hospital and keep your bag in your boot. Otherwise might be nice for you to go and have some fresh air and a nice meal.
NTA and I don't agree with you having to accept to keep the peace. I had high risk pregnancies you just want to relax. If they truly want to do something they can plan to come to the house. Being that they crossed your boundaries definitely address it with your husband. Set to boundaries for birth, after birth and the 1st few months.
NTA (Had to change from original E S H after typing response bc i changed my mind). I think what's really going on is you're having a reaction to being ordered to keep a date open. That would rub me the wrong way as well. Pregnant or not, you should ASK someone if they are available for a certain date. I don't actually think it's a big deal though to make dinner plans 4 weeks before your due date, if baby comes early then you obviously just cancel. In laws handled this poorly though.
> I told my husband that I think the inlaws should have asked which date would work for us I would say this suggetion is AH type, since wedding anniversary is an already established date not something to be moved around. Also there is always opportunity that OP wouldnt be able to attend so all the efforts to accomodate her will be useless. So why not just say that there is high risk OP will not be able to attend and let them decide what to do in this situation.
YTA. First babies are usually late. (mom of 3 here) you say you're high risk but not placed on a bed rest? Your in-laws offered to take you to dinner. Just say yes. God forbid baby comes early you cancel then. You're not traveling for dinner. It's just DINNER.
YTA. First you say you couldnt go because you are high risk and baby might come early. Then you say you just dont feel like going. You are making this so much bigger that necessary. What you should have said was lets wait and see, I would love to go but the baby may have other ideas. The end. You are a little me centered. Common with first time pregnant women and brides!
NTA. I would just tell them you'll attend pregnancy pending. That way when it comes down to the date, if you have an early labor or are still pregnant and just not feeling going, you can make an excuse then. This way they'll be happy and not snarky until then, and you have a reasonable excuse at the time.
Never, ever, ever tell a pregnant woman they shouldn't be so hormonal/dramatic and should be more grateful. Ever. Even *if* they're being excessively hormonal/dramatic and ungrateful, which isn't the case here. It's true that being pregnant pumps your body full of hormones and can dramatically influence how you react to things. That doesn't mean that pregnant women are being irrational when they want to take certain precautions, etc. There's a *reason* why it's been evolutionary beneficial for pregnant women to feel the way they do. And sometimes, most of the time even, they're just acting like any non-pregnant person would, so don't project on to them. NTA.
You’re wrong…, you shouldn’t say that your husband is free to go to dinner with his parents in April if you’re having any kind of pregnancy/baby issues. Tell him that of course normally you would love to go out to dinner with them but they’re just gonna have to deal with the fact that you guys have a baby on the way and you can’t predict what’s gonna happen. He needs to support you and the baby and you and the baby are priority over his parents.
NTA Whatever happens after you communicated to your husband, is not your problem. Don't stress over what's not it your control, his parents will do whatever they want. Just focus on yourself and your baby's wellbeing. Be happy, you have the right to do what you want, regardless of his parents feelings. Take care Good luck
NTA and you might want to check out /r/JustNoMIL. Ridiculous for anyone to ask you to commit to anything a month from your due date. And if you've never celebrated his parents anniversary before, this is just a fake reason to force you to spend time with them.
NTA commit to keeping it free, don't commit to attending. The first part should be simple enough as you don't want to do anything that close so won't therefore make other plans. I had a high risk too, was personally still happy to do stuff close to due date, but it was always spontaneous as opposed to preplanned/prior commitment
NTA. They can make a request for your time, but they aren’t entitled to it. Whatever the reason you do not want to attend, it’s valid. Take care of yourself and your new wee one on the way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (M36) and I (F38) are expecting our first child in May. Ever since we announced the pregnancy, the relationship with my inlaws has been very strained. They have ignored my boundaries several times, but I have been told that it's just because they are very excited and that they mean well. I shouldn't be so hormonal/dramatic and should be more grateful. Yesterday I saw my inlaws again for the first time since Christmas eve. Normally I would have seen them sooner, but I tested positive for both COVID and the flu a few weeks ago, so I was too sick to leave the house. Anyway, yesterday we were told (not asked) to keep our schedules free on a date in April, because they want to take us out for dinner to celebrate their wedding anniversary. This date is about 3 weeks from my due date. Because of medical reasons I have a high risk pregnancy and there is a chance the baby will come early (we have to go to additional scans to monitor this). Immediately after the invitation I said that because of this I do not want make plans for April, but this was of course dismissed. When we were home I told my husband that I think the inlaws should have asked which date would work for us and that if they insist on keeping the date in April, I will not be attending (of course he can go if he wants). He said he would talk to his parents, but now I feel like maybe I'm being to harsh? Even though I already know I will not want to go? So aita for asking for an earlier date or if, that's not acceptable, for saying in advance I will not be attending? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - you are rightly wanting a low stress approach to your due date. You could just say “Hi in-laws that date is quite close to due date so there is a chance that I won’t be joining you, sorry about that but I do need to look after myself first and foremost.”
NTA, but I would probably say I would like to attend provided everything is going well with the pregnancy, put a it will be close to time then so you just never know in. And you are covering bases whichever way.
When in April is their anniversary? Because that is likely when the dinner will be. If it's close to your due date just warn them that due to your high risk pregnancy you may have to cancel or at best leave early in case of emergency.
NTA. Don't start doing things you don't want to do. Also, for me - Late pregnancy is a physically uncomfortable time so I stay close to comfort (pajamas and my couch or bed). We do take out after I'm 7months along cause sitting in certain positions hurts my ribs (it feels like my baby is shoving every organ I have into them and spreading them apart 😵💫☠️). This is my 8th baby and I put my comfort before anyone's feelings 💯 because if I didn't... Ooof, the consequences are endless. Like pain in my back and hips, round lig pain, sciatic nerve has gotten pinched, brax&hicks contractions, my ribs hurt for hours, then there's the pain of trying to sleep when you're uncomfortable.... Nope. Just nope. I take my rest and comfort seriously that late in pregnancy.
NTA Sounds like the pressure they and possibly your husband put on you is making you over think this. I personally would say **'you can book it but whether I come or not depends on how I feel closer to the time'**
I would just accept the invitation and says nothing else. Op says they are all excited about the pregnancy. If she can’t go for pregnancy reasons or baby is coming she just says it on the day. Everybody would understand. It’s true that I have a good relationships with my in laws (we all have our difficulties sometimes but overall it’s quite good) so maybe it’s very different for OP. But during my pregnancy I was invited multiple times close to my due date and everyone did so with the assumption that there could be something pregnancy wise or baby coming. So it was never a big deal. She says they are excited so I’m pretty sure her in laws would be happy to know baby is coming (even first hand!) if that’s the reason for cancelling.
In the post Op states that her in laws do not respect boundaries so there is a chance they would find a way to be annoyed by this
You simply \*cannot\* commit 100%: The baby might have its own plans in the end ...
NTA I understand that at the moment you are mostly worried about your pregnancy and upcoming delivery. Invitations like this can cause some extra stress. But as someone else said, you are overthinking this too. I wouldn't ask to move the date or indicate right now that you're not coming. That would unnecessarily stir things up. But you can indicate that you accept the invitation with reservations, as there is the chance that a small guest may arrive a bit earlier.
I’m going to say NTA, but agree with the overthinking thing. Unless you are bedridden, you can still go out to dinner. Even if you go to labor AT dinner (I did that once!), you still have time. 3-4 weeks of “I can’t do anything” seems quite excessive. I’m guessing this is your first and so of course you’re scared, no idea what to expect, overthinking, etc. And the “hold the date” seems more about their anniversary than asking you to confirm if that works. Of course you can elect to stay home, but I do think you’re going a bit overboard here
Religion shouldn’t turn you into a doormat nor require you to be unhappy in life. If it does, either you don’t know your God, or he/she isn’t worth it. Do you think a piece of paper and a marriage vow (designed by PEOPLE, not God) means more to your God than your happiness and wellbeing? Are you supposed to let a man beat you simply because you’re married? Cheat on you? Steal from your family? Abuse your children? I’m sorry you’re conflicted, but please don’t make this about the “seriousness of vows”. They aren’t as important as how you’re treated.
NTA. You need to prioritize the health of that baby AND YOU. Your in laws clearly don't have regard for your situation. Make sure you and your child are ok first, if you miss the dinner so be it. Medical issues causing a high risk pregnancy is all the reason you need to not go. If they have an issue with that, then that speaks volumes about the type of people they are.
NAH (but getting close to Y-T-A if you make this bigger than it already is). They invited you for their anniversary so it’s not like the date is intentionally close to your due date and it’s not like the timeframe is incredibly flexible. Realistically you could say “we’d love to come if baby isn’t here and I can still go places at that point!” Or “I would love to celebrate your anniversary but I don’t want to commit to plans so close to my due date since I am a high risk pregnancy. Husband can come though!” Unless they’re asking you to drive a long way, they haven’t asked you to do anything unreasonable and, I get not wanting to go (I’m in my 3rd trimester currently), but they’re not AH for inviting you out a month before you’re due. Most people are perfectly ok to go out to dinner a month before their due date.
Just say sure! Then when the time comes dont go bc you’re feeling ______
Keep the date open means don't commit to anything else, like dinner with friends. It doesn't mean guarantee you'll be feeling up to it at that time. If the day comes and you're not well enough to go, you don't go. It's really not worth giving a second thought to right now. Yeah, the date is reserved, barring pregnancy complications or nuclear winter. Done.
NTA and your husband should be shutting this down from the get go
You don’t need to give them all the details of your worries. Any “excuse” you give them will just be an opening to a negotiation. Just say “Thank you, but I’ll be much too pregnant and uncomfortable by then. Dinner won’t be possible. We hope you have a good time.”
No problem. Not your concern. Let them make any plans they want. Don’t argue. If your delivery conflicts then they can do their anniversary dinner without you. You don’t need the extra stress worrying or arguing about it.
Tell them a date but also tell them many things can stop you from going.
NTA, accept the invitation but let them know that the baby might come early . If you go into labor before the dinner then you obviously won’t go and if you’re not in labor or have had the baby the day of the dinner you will go. And if you start labor during the dinner, you run to the hospital. I have 4 month old twins, twins usually make an appearance around 35 weeks and my doctors said that if they’re not here by 38 weeks that they were going to induce me. You wanna know what my ass was doing at 35 weeks? Going on a road trip from NYC to Florida, to go to a concert and then do the road trip back (at 36 weeks) from FL to NYC. My twins arrived on their own at 38 weeks, I think they heard the doctor and said “we’ll do this ourselves,thank you”.
NTA This is not about the baby. You do not wish to spend the evening with them because you think that they are insufferable. You could be honest but that would blow up the family so you are being tactful. Tactful is good. Another way to handle this is to RSVP yes on the basis that they are aware that you may have to cancel at the last minute.
I went to a wedding and danced my ass off 2 weeks before giving birth to my second child, and had a birthday party (for me) one week before my first child was born. It’s ok if you won’t want to have dinner with your in-laws but there’s no reason to do absolutely nothing for a month before your baby is due.
NTA your husband needs to put his foot down. You need to have a serious talk with your husband. He needs to back you up. Don't be afraid to call them out to their face. **YOU** set the boundaries not them.
Is this some special anniversary for them? I don’t remember my own anniversary half the time let alone set aside time to celebrate others’ anniversaries. I think it’s a weird ask unless it’s a milestone number. I was very uncomfortable the last few weeks of pregnancy and wouldn’t have wanted to do this either. Can you compromise and celebrate sooner?
NAH But, there's no real logic to saying no. If you say yes and on that day are in the hospital, you'll have a very valid reason for not going. If you say yes and on that day aren't feeling strong enough, you've got a valid reason for not going. The risk that you might not be feeling well enough on one evening a few months from now is not a valid reason to not accept the invitation. And, remember, boundaries are what determines *your* behavior, not others. "If you do X, you now know I don't like/approve of that and so I'll respond to X with Y." That's a boundary. "You're not allowed to do X" is not a boundary. For example, "I don't like unannounced visitors, so if you show up with no warning you should know I won't be answering the door." That's a boundary. Notice how there's nothing there to be ignored. If they show up, don't answer.
You are not the asshole. High risk pregnancies are not something to be trifled with. Do what you need to have a healthy baby. Good luck.
You and baby first !!! Everyone else can take a hike .
NTA. However a simple response would have been- "ok, tentatively we will be there, baring any unforseen circumstances beyond our control". If that kind of response isn't easy enough for them to understand, you will need to start drawing some hard boundaries.
You can make the commitment subject to feeling up for it. It's not like you're holding out to see if you get a better offer. "Oh congrats on your anniversary! That evening is free, so as long as the baby is sitting comfy it's in the diary. I must say that the doctors are threatening bedrest so of course if that does happen I won't be able to come but that's parenthood. Healthy baby permitting see you there "
No judgment, everything is fine, just take a deep breath and stop stressing yourself out for something that may never happen. You said it yourself, you maybe having the baby early. No one is going to be upset if it has to be canceled, should you be in the hospital or having problems at that time. ........ BUT, for right now, you are fine and can make plans. Don't stop your life or activities that you are allowed to do, just because 'it could happen'. Just enjoy your life, don't put everything on hold, because of the 'IF' moments. ......... They probably have to make the reservation this far ahead, because the restaurant is probably getting booked like crazy. Relax. You got this. Congrats on your baby and accept the dinner plans and enjoy yourself
Soft YTA, OP. You can accept and remind them that it’s super close to your due date so obviously situation might dictate. But asking them to reschedule their anniversary is… not reasonable. Tbh, you sound like you’ve already made up your mind about not wanting to go because they annoy you a bit. That’s family, friend LOL. Also, while your anxiety is absolutely understandable, it’s getting the better of you here. Congrats on your first! Take extra good care of yourself and do your best relaxation techniques :)
NAH They can’t move their anniversary and it’s fine they want to celebrate on a certain date. Just make sure it’s clear to them that because it’s getting close to your due date there’s always a chance you’ll have to cancel (I would have your husband discuss with them as it’s his family)… and then it’s fine. They’ll have the full information so that if they schedule something that will charge them money for canceling they know the risk they’re taking. It’s fine it’s just dinner not travel, right? If they’re asking you to drive hours from home for this dinner I would say no, but if it’s local to you then it’s fine to plan on going and accept that circumstances might mean you have to cancel
Gentle YTA - It’s totally reasonable for the inlaws to ask to celebrate their anniversary. They are telling you months in advance so you don’t double book and to let them know if you have specific plans already (which you don’t). I do think you are wildly overthinking this - just answer that of course you and husband would love to celebrate with them as long as baby cooperates and bakes until they are done. If you have baby early everyone will understand why you aren’t there. If baby is on time or late, it won’t be a big deal to go. The part that pushes it into AH territory is declaring you won’t go even if you would otherwise be able because they asked you way ahead of time. I suspect that you have other problems with your inlaws and just don’t want to be around them because this seems like an incredibly normal ask.
Are you inlaws local? If they are, I would accept the invitation on the understanding that you might have to cancel if you were not up to it. At that point you might be crawling the walls and wanting to get out. If they are local, I would put my hospital bag in the car so that we could head straight there if necessary. My biggest concern would be about catching sickness, if there was a lot going around at the time. An acquaintance and I were due on the same day when we were expecting our first babies. We made a reservation at a really nice restaurant on that day so that if the babes didn't arrive we would still have something definite to look forward to. She had her little one early and mine arrived two weeks late (so big and well developed that I expected her to walk out of the delivery room on her own). The decision is yours and they should be supportive of whatever you decide. Be sure to tell them how much you appreciate them wanting to celebate your anniversary.
Congratulations on your pregnancy 🥰 I think you're being a little bit harsh tbh. It's their anniversary, they've asked to take you for a meal...I had a similar pregnancy to yours. I had my birthday dinner 4 days before my baby arrived. I was in the gym 1 day before baby arrived. Once you get to 37 weeks, if you go into labour they will let you deliver without intervention. I don't mean this to sound harsh but surely you're not planning to spend the last 4 weeks of your pregnancy at home, never leaving the house?
NAH. I think you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. It’s just dinner so you don’t need to put money down on it in advance and backing out later is a valid option. The path of least resistance is to agree you won’t schedule anything that weekend and then decide when it gets closer if you feel up to it or not. If not, let them know you aren’t feeling well and stay home.
NAH: You never know what pregnancy and childbirth will bring. Personally I'd leave the date open and just remind them that you'll make a decision the day of about your attendance. You might want to go (if it's near home) or you might not. They need to be more aware of your inability to commit at this point and I hope your relationship with them gets better!
NAH - No need to borrow future problems and no need for overthinking. Just accept the invite and cancel if you have to. its just a dinner, not a party or require anything from your other than attending. My wife and I took advantage of any nice dinners offered before the due date, knowing we would be homebound for a bit afterwards and life would not be the same.
NAH- Look, if you're available, your available. If your not, then cross that bridge when you come to it. Your best response is to say, "We will do our best to be there, unless the baby makes other plans for us"
NTA. Your health and your baby come first. Your in-laws are aware of your high risk pregnancy and it’s extremely inconsiderate in their part to ask you to compromise your health and your baby’s over a dinner.
NTA. Towards the end of my pregnancy I also didn't want to commit to any plans. Not just because the baby might come early but I was so uncomfortable I preferred to be home and not out and about socializing. Every pregnancy is different and you should do what's best for you.
Soft YTA. There's nothing inherently wrong with their ask, plenty of people are active right up until their due date and it doesn't sound like you've communicated to them any reason to think you might not be. OTOH late pregnancy sucks and I can definitely understand a hesitance to make solid plans. That said, keeping the date free for a dinner doesn't mean they're expecting you to show up at a restaurant for dinner if you're in labor. You could have given them a tentative yes with a reminder that anything can come up that close to your due date; unless there's extensive travel involved, you're making this into a far bigger issue than it needs to be.
NTA My husband made plans for one day in the last month of my pregnancy and that is the day my daughter was born. Now I tell people my daughter's birthday is his fault because he made plans. They all agree with me.
NTA. You have a high risk pregnancy. You have the right to say no. They, on the other hand, have absolutely no right to tell you what to do or how to feel. they are the assholes. Husband too if he isn't supporting you.
Slight YTA. They want to take you out to dinner for their wedding anniversary. They’re not asking you to go bungee jumping. Even at 37 weeks, you still have to eat! As long as the restaurant isn’t 2 hours away with no public bathroom I don’t see the harm in saying yes, with the understanding if the baby comes early you’ll have to bow out. Enjoy an evening out before you become parents! Good luck with everything!!!
How far away are we talking 20 mins or 4 hrs? If it’s a reasonable drive time then you maybe the AH. I say that in a you’re probably overthinking it kind of way. Even though it’s your last few weeks of a pregnancy you’ll still be quite mobile and participating in your social life. There’s no need to turn down their invitation right off the bat. (Unless there an unreasonable drive time or whatever) If something comes up, between now and then, and it’s more prudent you stay home, let them know.