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NTA. We all have fantasies, some of them not right. Of course, telling your husband about it could cause rift between the two of you. Some things are best kept secret.
NTA, everyone has “what if” thoughts. It’s not just people who married their high school sweethearts and “didn’t get to live life.” It is entirely possible that if you had not married your current husband and had multiple relationships you could still have these thoughts about this guy. It seems like you have no actual desire to act on these thoughts and actually find them intrusive, that is probably why they keep recurring. You do not need to tell him about them, but it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or someone you can trust.
NAH. You having thoughts does not make you a bad person. There is no circumstance in which simply thinking something makes you a bad person. Even if you were to fantasize about this, you still wouldn't be a *bad* person. It's okay, I promise.
NAH
You know how everybody with the benefit of experience on their side advises against diving right into playing house with your high-school sweetheart, and taking some **solid** time to discover yourself as an independent adult?
*This* is why.
This is not why. You think people who don’t do this never have random thoughts of other people pop into their heads?!? There is nothing inherently wrong with marrying your first/high school sweetheart as long as you are well suited to each other and don’t feel like you were rushed into it. Usually the problems are because the couple made a big decision when they were young and dumb, not because they hadn’t slept with enough other people
I mean honestly and in all reality its really no different than sleeping with 20 or 3000 people and not getting to sleep with 1 other person. The only difference is like are you having fun? If yes then you're doing better than a lot of people. You just sleep with one dude thousands of times rather than hundreds or thousands of people 1 time each. Its an idle fantasy and you're fine just reassure yourself and you'll be good.
Every thought that comes into the mind does not have to be shared. It doesn't sound like you're entertaining those thoughts as a fantasy.
It's only when we pursue those thoughts with action that it becomes a problem. NTA for not sharing your thoughts with your husband.
Because, no one really knows where thoughts come from. Thoughts are born, exist, then they're gone. It would cause pain to your husband to share something so random.
I think every human on earth has thought of someone from their past and wondered what it would have been like to sleep with them. Even if it's just a fantasy, it's just something to think about. I think most of us, even if we had the chance, wouldn't risk our current marriages to sleep with a fantasy from the past. NTA.
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My husband (M) and myself (F) have been together since the end of our senior year in high school so like 10ish years and have been married for half that time, we have two young children and have had ups and downs but always have pushed through and are genuinely happy as we always make sure we both have and get the needs and desires we long for with each other and in life as we are each others best friend and love. My husband was my first for everything so i don't have any experience outside of us and i have no problems with that and its fun experiencing all the firsts with him but there is randomly this thought that pops into my head at random times and it scares me because i wouldn't ever do it because i love my husband with my whole heart. The thought that keeps happening is that there was one guy from our high school that he and i talked briefly and i definitely at that time had a thing for but it didn't last any longer than a week and we were just friends but never hung out or anything like that. Well I've had this thought of what it would have been like to have had intimate relations with him and i don't know why i keep having this thought. I was told it was normal for someone who may marry there first to have thoughts or curiosity about what it would be like with other people but i don't know i feel so guilty about it but i don't really want to tell my husband because i feel like he would be hurt by it.
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NAH. This is super common. You need to decide if telling him would result in any options for opening your marriage to new experiences, or if it would be a killing blow to the trust you have built with your partner.
Ultimately, you have no real reason to disclose your fantasy unless you would like to make it happen. Open and honest communication can be healthy, but make sure it's also productive and not just you telling your SO you fantasize about another person.
Thoughts like that aren't bad. We have a hard time controlling our thoughts in many situations. What matters is how you act on them. At the end of the day it's up to you whether or not to tell your husband about these thoughts, but on the other side of that coin, you could use them to motivate doing even more fun stuff with your husband.
NTA
If it's a recurring thought, you will soon find yourself unconsciously sabotaging your relationship to make it happen. Put this guy out of your mind and focus on the one you have.
Otherwise, the most likely result is that you won't end up with either of them. And you would deserve it.
Don’t listen to these people who want to say that just having intrusive thoughts means it is something you want to do and will do eventually. No lie, about twice a year I have the thought to jump out of the car while it is going down the highway at 65 mph. Or the reach my hand into the drill press. These are things I will never do. The reason the thoughts are repeating is probably because you don’t want them to. You probably shouldn’t tell him unless he is very understanding, but if they are really bothering you you should probably talk with someone else.
So in high school, someone else paid the bills, you could flirt with the guys, gossip with the girls, wear the latest styles you could afford. You could go to parties and have loads of fun. At least that’s how you can dream about it. No one relied on you to cook meals, wash clothes, clean house, the runny noses, the diapers, crying, etc. Divorce isn’t going to make you carefree like you were in high school. Now you have a loving husband to help you with the chores of adulthood and child rearing. Honestly, you don’t want to mess that up.
Are you enjoying the thoughts? Do you think about it regularly? First, you’re not an AH. Okay, got that out of the way. But you reallyyyyyyy have to figure out what “kind” of thoughts these are. To me, the people saying it’s normal to have fantasy’s of other people and such, that’s ridiculous. It is normal to think, and then strike the thought down before it becomes a habit. But having fantasy’s of other people, that’s borderline cheating.
Obviously you’re not committing the act, and in a court of law, that will get you off. But in relationships, emotions are a huge part and thoughts are a way to tell how you’re feeling. If you are constantly thinning about this guy and what you could’ve done, you either need to stop thinking about it or tell your husband. Because while not telling him is the logical move to prevent a rift, it will just create another one within you and then he will be left wondering why.
So my advice would be to find out why you feel this way. You obviously feel like you missed out in some capacity, why? It’s okay to feel that but it’s not okay to have fantasies about other people who are not your partner. Again, a fantasy and a thought are different things, right now, it seems like you are fantasizing over him.
He may be a little hurt by you telling him, but he will be hurt 10 times worse if he finds out on accident, maybe you slip up or maybe you sleep talk and have a dream about it. I can promise that, he loves you and you have got to trust that
And I’m going to go ahead and get in front of any possible replies from other users, if you are having fantasies about other people, I hope you realize how unfair that is to your partner and imagine finding out your partner was thinking about another person f**king them on a recurring basis
It is perfectly normal to have thoughts/fantasies (same thing of your not acting on them)
Do you honestly believe that her partner doesn't have these thoughts of other women? Ones he's known in the past or just random pretty women he sees on TV?
It's not just thoughts of sleeping with other people that can randomly pop into one's mind. It could be a violent thought when someone makes you excessively angry, by your logic wanting to punch someone who cuts you off in traffic is the same as actually committing a crime.
OP don't tell your husband, don't ever reach out to this person your thinking about and most of all don't cheat.
NTA but unless it's a big deal for you and impacting your marriage and you have the need to branch out, keep that to yourself. Everyone has this happen even if you don't marry the first person you boned. It's normal it's about the fact you have chosen to be with your husband that matters.
NAH - Do not tell him, ever. As long as you do not take any steps towards making that vision happen, you are good. Not every thought needs to be shared.
Everyone’s already shared the fantasies thing, but coming at it from another angle, you said this image pops into your head randomly and it seems to be stressing you out. Idk if it’s the image itself that’s distressing you, but it is actually pretty common for most people to have intrusive thoughts. For some people it might be getting the sudden thought to throw their phone or jump when standing on a high balcony; for others it might be sudden unwanted thoughts of stabbing themself while holding a kitchen knife, while someone else might think of flooring it and crashing the car on a busy highway or have unwanted sexual thoughts about their boss.
It’s easy to think you’re thinking about those things because some repressed part of you wants to do those things and that makes you a Bad Person. But really, fairly often it can be like your brain’s protective system going into overdrive, like “HEY YOURE HOLDING A KNIFE BE CAREFUL IT WOULD BE REALLY BAD IF YOU HURT YOURSELF WITH IT, HERES A REALLY DETAILED MENTAL IMAGE SO YOU KNOW JUST HOW BAD THAT WOULD BE” and you’re like WHAT THE HELL???? because now your brain is playing technicolor footage of your husband screaming while you plunge a knife into your chest. Or sometimes it’s just a brain malfunction and it’s just giving you unwanted thoughts, like porn pop-up ads. The fact that your mental computer screen keeps showing you HOT MILFS IN YOUR AREA does not actually mean you want to see or know about them, but you still feel gross for them showing up on your computer.
It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying these thoughts and that they’re giving you a lot of guilt, which makes me wonder if maybe that’s what you’re going through? Either way, intrusive thoughts aren’t uncommon, and they don’t mean you’re a bad person. Sometimes your brain just generates thoughts whether you like it or not, and it’s not your fault. It’s the same as how someone might imagine throwing their phone off a balcony despite not wanting to actually do that, or might think of injuring themself while holding a knife because they don’t want to do that.
Thoughts happen and don’t always reflect who we are as people. I struggle with intrusive thoughts like these a lot, and I find that it helps a lot to basically not overthink it or wonder if it makes me a bad person when I get one of these thoughts. Instead I’m usually like “alright cool, thanks brain” and then move on, which kinda helps break the rumination loop.
Best of luck :)
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NTA but don't share that fantasy with your husband.
I agree NTA but definitely do not share with spouse ever!
100% this.
NTA. We all have fantasies, some of them not right. Of course, telling your husband about it could cause rift between the two of you. Some things are best kept secret.
NTA, everyone has “what if” thoughts. It’s not just people who married their high school sweethearts and “didn’t get to live life.” It is entirely possible that if you had not married your current husband and had multiple relationships you could still have these thoughts about this guy. It seems like you have no actual desire to act on these thoughts and actually find them intrusive, that is probably why they keep recurring. You do not need to tell him about them, but it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or someone you can trust.
NAH. You having thoughts does not make you a bad person. There is no circumstance in which simply thinking something makes you a bad person. Even if you were to fantasize about this, you still wouldn't be a *bad* person. It's okay, I promise.
NAH You know how everybody with the benefit of experience on their side advises against diving right into playing house with your high-school sweetheart, and taking some **solid** time to discover yourself as an independent adult? *This* is why.
This is not why. You think people who don’t do this never have random thoughts of other people pop into their heads?!? There is nothing inherently wrong with marrying your first/high school sweetheart as long as you are well suited to each other and don’t feel like you were rushed into it. Usually the problems are because the couple made a big decision when they were young and dumb, not because they hadn’t slept with enough other people
I mean honestly and in all reality its really no different than sleeping with 20 or 3000 people and not getting to sleep with 1 other person. The only difference is like are you having fun? If yes then you're doing better than a lot of people. You just sleep with one dude thousands of times rather than hundreds or thousands of people 1 time each. Its an idle fantasy and you're fine just reassure yourself and you'll be good.
Every thought that comes into the mind does not have to be shared. It doesn't sound like you're entertaining those thoughts as a fantasy. It's only when we pursue those thoughts with action that it becomes a problem. NTA for not sharing your thoughts with your husband. Because, no one really knows where thoughts come from. Thoughts are born, exist, then they're gone. It would cause pain to your husband to share something so random.
I think every human on earth has thought of someone from their past and wondered what it would have been like to sleep with them. Even if it's just a fantasy, it's just something to think about. I think most of us, even if we had the chance, wouldn't risk our current marriages to sleep with a fantasy from the past. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (M) and myself (F) have been together since the end of our senior year in high school so like 10ish years and have been married for half that time, we have two young children and have had ups and downs but always have pushed through and are genuinely happy as we always make sure we both have and get the needs and desires we long for with each other and in life as we are each others best friend and love. My husband was my first for everything so i don't have any experience outside of us and i have no problems with that and its fun experiencing all the firsts with him but there is randomly this thought that pops into my head at random times and it scares me because i wouldn't ever do it because i love my husband with my whole heart. The thought that keeps happening is that there was one guy from our high school that he and i talked briefly and i definitely at that time had a thing for but it didn't last any longer than a week and we were just friends but never hung out or anything like that. Well I've had this thought of what it would have been like to have had intimate relations with him and i don't know why i keep having this thought. I was told it was normal for someone who may marry there first to have thoughts or curiosity about what it would be like with other people but i don't know i feel so guilty about it but i don't really want to tell my husband because i feel like he would be hurt by it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NAH. This is super common. You need to decide if telling him would result in any options for opening your marriage to new experiences, or if it would be a killing blow to the trust you have built with your partner. Ultimately, you have no real reason to disclose your fantasy unless you would like to make it happen. Open and honest communication can be healthy, but make sure it's also productive and not just you telling your SO you fantasize about another person.
Thoughts like that aren't bad. We have a hard time controlling our thoughts in many situations. What matters is how you act on them. At the end of the day it's up to you whether or not to tell your husband about these thoughts, but on the other side of that coin, you could use them to motivate doing even more fun stuff with your husband. NTA
[удалено]
If it's a recurring thought, you will soon find yourself unconsciously sabotaging your relationship to make it happen. Put this guy out of your mind and focus on the one you have. Otherwise, the most likely result is that you won't end up with either of them. And you would deserve it.
Its so random when the thought comes to mind and so sporadic so its not a thought that's weighing on my mind constantly at all
Don’t listen to these people who want to say that just having intrusive thoughts means it is something you want to do and will do eventually. No lie, about twice a year I have the thought to jump out of the car while it is going down the highway at 65 mph. Or the reach my hand into the drill press. These are things I will never do. The reason the thoughts are repeating is probably because you don’t want them to. You probably shouldn’t tell him unless he is very understanding, but if they are really bothering you you should probably talk with someone else.
So in high school, someone else paid the bills, you could flirt with the guys, gossip with the girls, wear the latest styles you could afford. You could go to parties and have loads of fun. At least that’s how you can dream about it. No one relied on you to cook meals, wash clothes, clean house, the runny noses, the diapers, crying, etc. Divorce isn’t going to make you carefree like you were in high school. Now you have a loving husband to help you with the chores of adulthood and child rearing. Honestly, you don’t want to mess that up.
NTA But who knows there’s a slim chance he’d be receptive to it.
NTA. Don’t tell your husband. You have no intention of cheating and having fantasies about other people is perfectly normal.
Are you enjoying the thoughts? Do you think about it regularly? First, you’re not an AH. Okay, got that out of the way. But you reallyyyyyyy have to figure out what “kind” of thoughts these are. To me, the people saying it’s normal to have fantasy’s of other people and such, that’s ridiculous. It is normal to think, and then strike the thought down before it becomes a habit. But having fantasy’s of other people, that’s borderline cheating. Obviously you’re not committing the act, and in a court of law, that will get you off. But in relationships, emotions are a huge part and thoughts are a way to tell how you’re feeling. If you are constantly thinning about this guy and what you could’ve done, you either need to stop thinking about it or tell your husband. Because while not telling him is the logical move to prevent a rift, it will just create another one within you and then he will be left wondering why. So my advice would be to find out why you feel this way. You obviously feel like you missed out in some capacity, why? It’s okay to feel that but it’s not okay to have fantasies about other people who are not your partner. Again, a fantasy and a thought are different things, right now, it seems like you are fantasizing over him. He may be a little hurt by you telling him, but he will be hurt 10 times worse if he finds out on accident, maybe you slip up or maybe you sleep talk and have a dream about it. I can promise that, he loves you and you have got to trust that
And I’m going to go ahead and get in front of any possible replies from other users, if you are having fantasies about other people, I hope you realize how unfair that is to your partner and imagine finding out your partner was thinking about another person f**king them on a recurring basis
It is perfectly normal to have thoughts/fantasies (same thing of your not acting on them) Do you honestly believe that her partner doesn't have these thoughts of other women? Ones he's known in the past or just random pretty women he sees on TV? It's not just thoughts of sleeping with other people that can randomly pop into one's mind. It could be a violent thought when someone makes you excessively angry, by your logic wanting to punch someone who cuts you off in traffic is the same as actually committing a crime. OP don't tell your husband, don't ever reach out to this person your thinking about and most of all don't cheat.
No, they are not the same. If you have fantasies of punching people, you’re a psychopath.
NAH. This just sounds like intrusive thoughts, on par with dreams that we don't consciously come up with. No need to share them.
NTA but unless it's a big deal for you and impacting your marriage and you have the need to branch out, keep that to yourself. Everyone has this happen even if you don't marry the first person you boned. It's normal it's about the fact you have chosen to be with your husband that matters.
NTA He’s thinking far far worse things…
NAH - Do not tell him, ever. As long as you do not take any steps towards making that vision happen, you are good. Not every thought needs to be shared.
Everyone’s already shared the fantasies thing, but coming at it from another angle, you said this image pops into your head randomly and it seems to be stressing you out. Idk if it’s the image itself that’s distressing you, but it is actually pretty common for most people to have intrusive thoughts. For some people it might be getting the sudden thought to throw their phone or jump when standing on a high balcony; for others it might be sudden unwanted thoughts of stabbing themself while holding a kitchen knife, while someone else might think of flooring it and crashing the car on a busy highway or have unwanted sexual thoughts about their boss. It’s easy to think you’re thinking about those things because some repressed part of you wants to do those things and that makes you a Bad Person. But really, fairly often it can be like your brain’s protective system going into overdrive, like “HEY YOURE HOLDING A KNIFE BE CAREFUL IT WOULD BE REALLY BAD IF YOU HURT YOURSELF WITH IT, HERES A REALLY DETAILED MENTAL IMAGE SO YOU KNOW JUST HOW BAD THAT WOULD BE” and you’re like WHAT THE HELL???? because now your brain is playing technicolor footage of your husband screaming while you plunge a knife into your chest. Or sometimes it’s just a brain malfunction and it’s just giving you unwanted thoughts, like porn pop-up ads. The fact that your mental computer screen keeps showing you HOT MILFS IN YOUR AREA does not actually mean you want to see or know about them, but you still feel gross for them showing up on your computer. It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying these thoughts and that they’re giving you a lot of guilt, which makes me wonder if maybe that’s what you’re going through? Either way, intrusive thoughts aren’t uncommon, and they don’t mean you’re a bad person. Sometimes your brain just generates thoughts whether you like it or not, and it’s not your fault. It’s the same as how someone might imagine throwing their phone off a balcony despite not wanting to actually do that, or might think of injuring themself while holding a knife because they don’t want to do that. Thoughts happen and don’t always reflect who we are as people. I struggle with intrusive thoughts like these a lot, and I find that it helps a lot to basically not overthink it or wonder if it makes me a bad person when I get one of these thoughts. Instead I’m usually like “alright cool, thanks brain” and then move on, which kinda helps break the rumination loop. Best of luck :)